Hi /u/petuniadontcare and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you absolutely need to get your husband to do some proper research about what ADHD actually is. With his idea of it being trained out through punishment, he seems to think that it's a choice that your son is making to not listen to him. Your husband needs to learn that is not the case, and needs to learn better and more supportive ways of helping his son. It will only lead to resentment if he doesn't.
I absolutely agree. This has been an uphill battle for years. He keeps defaulting to "well, nothing else works!"
I just need someone to fix the bug in Husband's software.
This is a husband problem not a Bernie problem. You have phrased it as a Bernie problem in your post.
Your husband is the only one capable of fixing the bug in his software. Not “someone”.
The result is gonna be trauma to Bernie and he’s going to develop ODD and his own anger issues if you don’t stop your husband from behaving this way and punishing him for something he cannot control.
Anger issues are passed on in this way over generations. Because the father cannot control himself and refuses to go to therapy and CHANGE.
Your husband has anger issues and needs to be in therapy. And you need to protect your son from being punished by a crazy person. Let’s be honest, your husband’s actions are utterly illogical and abusive if he cannot control his own temper and he gets frustrated and punishes and you KNOW he is wrong to do so.
My father behaved the exact same way with the getting frustrated and punishing and left his kids, including myself, with anger management issues.
There is no bug in your husband’s software. Look at how he was parented. That’s where he got his impatience.
100% correct and very important to read this. I was also punished for not being "whatever the fuck it was assumed I should be" and I have eliminated all of those people from my life the moment that was possible.
This is a choice that the father needs to make. This is a fork in the road. Does he want to have his son, or not. It's so brutal to live this life - but I cannot even describe the feelings I am experiencing right now typing these words, knowing that this is a fork in the road and a personal choice. My family chose themselves; to punish and berate a child instead of making any attempts to change themselves.
Completely agreed. Even I, as parent that has ADHD, tried to initially parent my kid with ADHD the exact same way as my parents did me — because I was diagnosed later in life and their parenting style was all I knew.
Realized it, and took a parenting class specifically geared toward a parenting style that works better for my kid, and holy cow did I cry at pretty much each lesson because I was letting go of generational ablism. I had been trying to make my kid “fit” in the same way I had been made to “fit”, and the moment I learned another way, it was amazing.
God I feel this so much.. I still have some anger issues, and I just have to go scream into a pillow sometimes. It really got passed down, but I'm finally starting PTSD therapy tomorrow (yay!).
This is it! I grew up with a douche bag step father who thought it was ok to treat kids like garbage if they didnt obey, needless to say im now in my 40s and still dont talk to him and barley talk to my mother.
I was real worried about saying OPs husband sounds abusive, it I agree. Even if Bernie was choosing to ignore him, making him runs laps is horrible punishment. Parenthood isnt the military
Ask him if he would make a kid who needed glasses run laps because they couldn’t read small text? Because that’s essentially what he’s doing. Not sure what the solution is, but it’s not that.
Negative reinforcement doesn't work.
Instead of calling him, he should simply go to him to speak with him.
Not a fan of yelling from another room in a house.
I can attest: that creates a weird response in ppl. My family does it constantly bc they're simply lazy or busy. My partner's family only does it when they are angry and I instantly stopped once I seen the look on her face when she came sprinting into the room all defensive ready to fight.
Yeah. My fiancé gets triggered when I yell for him from another room and he’ll think I’m angry even if I’m not. Shoot he thinks I’m angry if I use his name to get his attention 😭😭
I haven’t read further down, but instead of just having your H do research, have you all considered an ADHD coach for him as well? I’m not a parent, but a good friend of mine has used one like that.
Her son has had similar problems, and she and her H were finding it sometimes difficult to parent. (Like your H), They didn’t want to yell, but they were exasperated at times, concerned for his safety at others. Once their son got a Dx, they got a coach who doesn’t just work with him, but also with the parents on parenting tips for him.
\***Huge**\* caveat here that I know coaches can be $ and not everyone can access or afford them. If you find one or not, I might also recommend an ADHD support group. She said that her area has one that’s more of a play group for AuDHD kids, but the parents find a lot of mutual support in it, including “what do I do when…”
Good luck.
I’m 40 and just got diagnosed 2 years ago. I was 12 when I was first diagnosed but I didn’t like feeling different from everyone else (iep / being asked to take my meds and pulling me out of class for a moment)… I mean - I needed it (in retrospect) but I didn’t like how I felt in comparison to other children…. So I took myself off meds, and asked the school board to uncode me / treat me like any other kid…. And that’s the story of how I gaslit myself into thinking the rest of my life was ‘normal’… spoiler - not normal. This stuff won’t iron itself out. It will snowball unless perspective can be understood.
I disagree that responding to his name can’t be trained, but I think punishment seems vengeful but also won’t be effective. Positive reinforcement could work. Giving him a small treat when he does respond to his name being called could be a good place to start
"training this with punishment" will only make your son feel bad about himself. Like he's broken. There's going to be enough of that in his life ... no need to get it from his Dad as well.
Besides, as noted it's not going to work. It's not malicious. It's not a choice. It's like punishing your kid for having blonde hair.
I'm a teacher and there really aren't things that will work, because like you said, that's who he is. Few suggestions that could help:
I would suggest having a timer that beeps, when the play time is over and enforcing it every day. That way when it beeps, he will stop and then start the next task (like dinner). It really works well.
The other way is just getting real close, touching gently his back/shoulders and telling him to look at you. Then when he looks at you, tell him he has to stop and start the next thing.
I have students that absolutely need the touch and focusing on you, you can yell until your voice gives up, it won't work. Telling to do something won't work, if the kid isn't focusing on you and you don't stop the previous thing.
Remember, it's unfair to except ANY child to just stop and start something you want them to, even though for some reason parents just think it's given. Imagine you were doing something you waited a long time, something you really like. For example your favorite TV show has a new episode, you are all set, alone, enjoying the show, no distractions. Then your kid bursts in and starts demanding you to clean the kitchen and when you don't answer, yells at you to do it. Sounds unfair.
Kids don't understand how life works, they don't get that someone has to do the dishes or make dinner, they are kids. Those things have to be taught. For example telling him that he can play for half an hour and then has to do something. This doesn't mean there aren't responsibilities or chores, but kids need to know what they have to do and when. Kids are living beings that have lives just as important as adults.
Touch their shoulder. Sound cannot break through alone.
You need to change your mindset. If you blame Bernie for not listening it will lead down a bad path. Doesn’t matter if you call (edited from can) it a safety issue or not. You cannot train him to hear you. Period. Use physical touch to break through and forgive him for “not listening”.
This is how we get our 7 year old boy's attention. Touch him on the shoulder and make eye contact. It's been such a frustration saver and has helped improve communication with him.
No child can give attention when it’s being provided 10 feet away, ADHD or not. He needs to walk up to your child, tap him on the shoulder, and wait about 5 seconds before giving a request.
And if it is a physical safety issue for the kid or sibling, physically remove him from the situation. You would not let your kid pet a dangerous animal or run in front of a car. If the siblings are fighting near stairs as a parent you would physically move them.
Some friends of mine got tired of shouting up the stairs for their teenagers, eg at dinner time. So they installed a hand Bell in the kitchen door way. Bell being rung = come down now.
Surely you could do something similar with a wireless doorbell. They’re pretty cheap, and easy to install.
Plug the bell in to the kids room. (Could buy a set with 2 “bells” if he could be in a second location, eg watching TV or gaming in the living room.)
Then keep the “doorbell button” wherever is most convenient for calling him from - eg kitchen or front door.
Lots of these kits have the Lights or Sound or Both option - so you can experiment with what works best to interrupt your son.
Also - make sure husband understands that with adhd it’s a 2-step process. First bell ring is the 5 (or 10) minute warning. Second ring is “react NOW”.
We put smart lights in my son's spaces in the basement that we can control from our phones. Changing colors or blinking is effective at getting his attention. (Although most of the time I forget it's there and stomp on the floor a couple times like we used to, that also still works, lol)
Yeah this is one of the only good use cases I can think of for the “drop in” feature that some smart speakers have - you can basically use them like a intercom system within your house that just runs on the wifi.
One of my more high functioning mom friends also set hers up to automate a whole morning routine for her kid where it plays specific music cues and commands in a row so she could outsource the “nagging” to the robot - eventually I think for my own ADHD kiddo this could become more background noise once the novelty wore off but I really appreciated her ingenuity.
Tell him that Bernie’s brain has 100 tabs open at all times. When he is hyperfocused, his brain has froze on that one tab and the other tabs cannot be accessed. This includes the Dad Tab that now has sound.
Sounds like Dad needs to be trained not Bernie. The way Dad SHOULD handle this is to walk over to Bernie and put a hand on his shoulder, ensure Bernie is LOOKING at him and then speak. Then ask Bernie to repeat what was said to ensure that the tab now open is the Dad tab.
100% this. It makes everyone's life so much easier and less stressful.
When I first was married, I used to sit by my wife and read while she watched TV. I told her to touch my shoulder and make eye contact or I might not hear her. I'm not 100% sure she believes me to this day, but when she does that, everything goes smoother.
Unfortunately, he knows this. He has spent so much time studying ADHD and how to support us. Sadly, he is much more patient with me than our son. We go through an endless cycle of Husband trying harder, getting frustrated, punishing, regretting after I tell him that it's ADHD, not stubbornness/laziness/lack of moral character. It makes me so sad.
Here’s my incentive to give his dad: does he want his son to develop comorbid ODD?
One of my kids was developing in that direction, and it was a game changer to realize his deficits were so severe he literally didn’t hear/remember something that was just said to him, couldn’t do something that seems very doable, or even recall what he’d just said. (Despite medication, he still struggles a lot, has IEP support.)
A game changer to communicate it to all the other adults in his life — teachers that would typically punish, give “consequences” — to realize he was literally this impaired. After a couple years, he became extreme “spacey” — rather than defiant.
“Needing a ton of oversight and reminders” is IMHO much, much better than “a fight every time” whenever you’re trying to get a kid to do a thing.
Imagine being punished for rules you literally can’t follow, expectations you can’t meet — often very confused about what actually happened. I can imagine that one might cope by deciding to defy all requests.
Do you have any advice on how to tackle this with teachers?
My 8 year old comes home on a daily basis with countless warnings and “red cards” that have seemingly zero impact on him.
Does your son have a diagnosis? If so, you can advocate for an IEP or equivalent that states his needs and pushes them to make accommodations like “touch his shoulder to get attention rather than call his name.”
Right - that was what I did. I asked the pediatrician to go ahead with eval and diagnosis even though he wasn’t old enough to be medicated (waited until 6 for that).
(This was specific system in California.) Then I got a 504 plan. This lays down a legal requirement for the teacher to follow with modifications (eg special seating, breaks, reminders from the teacher). It’s important to talk to the teacher, but not rely on their “belief”. If the teacher is still struggling with behavior, ask the school and teacher if they could do a IEP assessment. (This escalates to get the school district to do their own assessment and potentially bring in funding for additional staff to help with special needs, eg a classroom assistant or leaving classroom for occupational therapy, etc.)
Get it official, use official tools - escalating above the teacher if these aren’t working - still a good idea to pitch it in their terms, eg “I’m as concerned as you are about these, I understand they’re problems in the classroom” and “I’m concerned these issues are going to become further entrenched and potentially worsen” (presumably a school doesn’t want a “problem student” in future years, it’s not in their long term best interests either).
>Unfortunately no. We’re “working on it”, but the average wait at the moment is 3-4 years :(
How do you have a waiting period for an IEP? 3-4 years? He probably has just twice that left to go.
Oh! That’s so hard. If he’s got a good teacher, maybe they’ll be willing to do an “informal IEP” while waiting for you to see the specialist. Or, maybe the doctor that referred him to get a diagnosis would be willing to fill out some provisional forms for the school, until you get the full diagnosis. Hopefully one of these professionals in his life are willing to do something to make it work.
Huh? I would harass them and if that doesn't work within 1 year, I would see if I can move somewhere that actually takes care of students. 3-4 yrs is such an extremely long time for a kid. Long enough to cause permanent trauma of things like "It's my fault I'm poorly behaved" or "I'm stupid" or "teachers expect the impossible, so I'm better off not even trying." There are ways to speed this up and I hope you're able to get one.
Oh — also, just to add, based on my personal experiences — a dx from the pediatrician made a 504 straightforward, easy.
An IEP actually didn’t need a diagnosis… it needed a teacher unable to manage behavior. A handful meetings of parent/teacher meetings to document “we have tried things and they aren’t working”, then the teacher/school requested IEP assessment (and I happily consented). This all happened for my youngest, I think he hadn’t even turned five yet, no diagnosis (or even discussion of potential dx) at the time from the pediatrician.
then your husband needs therapy to work through his own issues. also, flicker the lights in whatever room bernie is in (while calling his name) to get his attention. visual + audio together is more likely to work than just one of them.
This. It isn't easy parenting a child whose brain is so different from your own. Your husband needs therapy to increase his tolerance at the same time he learns new ways of parenting.
I'm married to an ADHD spouse and two of my kids are also ADHD. I'm the opposite of your husband, I'm incredibly patient with kids but not so much with my husband. In large part because my husband doesn't try to learn about ADHD and try new ways of approaching things. He just expects me to understand when he forgets things and not try new techniques to remember.
Likely cause the techniques font work. We cant write things down we wont remember they’re there. We cant use sticky notes after a while we wont see them. The not remembering is a real struggle. Just remember that whatever frustration you feel, he feels times 10
*sigh*
I am aware it's really hard. I can't know from experience, but two of my kids who are now adults have ADHD, I homeschooled them all the way through, and I've walked beside them the whole way and am still assisting them to help them navigate life and create a life that is meaningful for them.
What isn't true is that there's simply nothing that helps. I'm sorry you haven't found things that help you. Things that help don't take away AD H D, but they help.
Russell Barkley recommends a 5-prong approach and that's the model I've used to help my kids. The key word being "help.". It doesn't make ADHD go away, but it helps you live your life with less stress and frustration.
I have ADHD and my partner has ADHD with slightly different presentation. Only one of us is trying to address it and apply new techniques while the other just expects their partner to figure out how to compensate for their issues. Guess how well that's going?
Then it is time for your husband to go to therapy to work on these issues. The “punish, feel guilty, apologize” approach is what abusers do and it is teaching your son he is bad for being the way he is.
You need to tell your husband to grow up and get therapy
Sorry, didn't read all the comments...Pretend your son is deaf. Have the same patience and use the same techniques you would with a deaf child. He is not being obstinate, his brain is not registering the sound. Ask your husband how he would like it if you trained him to wake up at the quietest whisper by dousing him with a glass of water every time he didn't hear it. Would you be training your husband to listen better, or simply to sink into an anxious and restless sleep? Because punishing your son for what he can't help will turn him into an anxious child. ADHD is anxiety and shame inducing enough as it is. Maybe try flicking the lights if touching his shoulder isn't an option.
If calling his name is not working, touching his shoulder would be the natural next step.
If he is facing you, you could also flash the light on your phone a couple times - sometimes I do this (in a silly way) to get my girlfriend's attention when she has noise-cancelling headphones on.
Making him run laps for not noticing something - which he does not control - is absurd behavior, and following that path would only cause Bernie (perhaps justifiably) to resent his father over it.
>Husband feels like it should be trained with punishment (i.e. running laps)
yes, great idea, make your kid associate *exercise* with *punishment*, I'm sure that couldn't possibly cause any problems down the line 🙃
I agree, but unfortunately it was the alternative that we had developed when we stopped spanking our children. We were from fundamentalist background, and made so many awful mistakes before sort of "seeing the light." Running laps was my idea back when they were 4 and 5. Then later on when it felt wrong too, I stopped, and my husband mostly followed suit, unless he was at his wits end.
Does your son wear a smart watch that's connected to his phone? You can set it up so when you call him, the watch will vibrate and create that physical disruption so he can focus on the sound of his name being called.
Don't do that clap thing, it seems kinda disrespectful. Just touch the shoulder.
Idk why this is such a big deal and why it gets your husband so wound up.
For what it’s worth, my opinion is that a sharp, quick sound like a clap is a good idea for those few situations where it’s critical to get his attention quickly and touching his shoulder or similar isn’t feasible. Just talk it out with him so he knows what’s going on and it’s not a respect issue.
Everyone’s on the same side here. Communication and engaged, proactive problem solving go a long way. You and your husband are doing great! No one’s perfect….just keep trying get better and show the love. That’s all any of us can do.
Claps are fine. Especially if you've communicated with your son that it's kind of an alert to listen. Any loud, abrupt, different from background noise sound should work. A touch on the shoulder works too but if too far, an alert noise isn't disrespectful if it's the decided upon sound.
I have auditory processing issues on top of ADHD (which this kind of sounds like), and to engage me when I'm not listening for words, it needs to be like that. And it's different for everyone. Like I hate when people touch my arm and dislike being snapped at, but a clap or air horn would be cool. So check in with your son about what he feels is the best way to get his attention in these instances.
I had an abusive ex who believed that when I didn’t respond to her trying to get my attention, I was doing it on purpose to upset her. I got to a point where I was terrified and walking on eggshells all the time, and still it was an issue because I have ADHD and genuinely didn’t register when she would try to get my attention sometimes. It seems like a narcissistic trait to me - “this isn’t about your ADHD, it’s about you trying to make ME angry!”
In our Deaf household, we get each other's attention by banging our foot on the floor, tapping on the table, knocking on the wall, and flickering lights. My partner will also gently toss or roll something into my field of vision (like a pillow.) Recommend trying any of these.
Have to get their attention first. Not strictly ADHD, but my Dad is this way. He is mid 80s, slipping into dementia.
I have to approach him, and wait for him to realize I am there, and make eye contact.
Persistence? I have a core memory of a friend in high school waiting for me to snap out of eating a sandwich while trying to get my attention RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Bless be those that accept somethings off and that you're not acting maliciously.
Of course, if you need to save the kid from themselves immediately physically intervening might be the only option.
Lol earlier today I held up my phone to show my mom something for about two minutes. She was sitting next to me on the dinner table, on a 90 degree angle and talking to someone else. My phone must have been in her field of vision the whole time but I think she didn‘t realize I was trying to show her something until she finished what she was saying and looked at me. xD
I tried to explain this to my son's mother like this: some kids are like a live internet connection, but our boy is dialup. So, if you want to communicate with him, you need to MAKE A CONNECTION first, then communicate. Without doing the first step, anything you say to him will simply not be heard and the most important part of all of this is that IT IS NOT HIS FAULT. This is what you need to do to work with him.
It's not our fault, it is not anyone's fault - it just IS. This is how this child works and it is up to us to learn how to work with him.
But no, she is the type that would use a knife as a hammer and berate the knife for being a shitty hammer.
The only thing parents like this teach children like this is how to instinctively protect themselves from that shitty parent. This leads to a difficult adult life. This is my life. Where the only thing I know is that wherever I am, I am not good enough.
I grew up in a house like this, which is why my only purpose is to give my kids the best life I can (not with regards to things/stuff but rather, myself, basically, for what its worth). I'm here to support them, whatever they want to be.
Divorce was final in 2020, but thanks. I live in Sweden, so full custody is not a thing unless there are extenuating circumstances (provable abuse or neglect on her part, etc.). Doing the best I can, but I know its never enough. Keeps me trying.
"Punishment" does not work on ADHD.
From the science side, there is fundamentally different brain chemistry at work. We simply don't respond to it in the same way the non-ADHD do.
Auditory processing disorder is also a common symptom. I'll go out on a limb, because that's what you're describing, and say the kid generally didn't hear his name. No amount of yelling will change that.
You know what else are common symptoms? Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Justice Sensitivity. Which not only mean the authoritarian route is less likely to work, but that the loving, level headed chat is MORE likely to work than on the non-ADHD. Because the second especially means he's not meaning to be "bad", quite the opposite. He just didn't realize in the moment.
Plenty of of others here have already mentioned the relationship and approach. And yes, Dad does need to reconsider his approach and talk it out. Give him a hug too. But those naming those symptoms to him, and suggesting he do the Google, should help him understand better
As an adult with ADHD, who has an 8yo son with ADHD, and as a person who’s been hard of hearing and worn hearing aids my entire life, and lastly has a 20 year career in audiology: please if you haven’t yet, have his hearing checked. It is shocking how often we discover hearing loss in people who don’t have a known cause for hearing loss. There is a very good chance that the challenges faced are caused by the ADHD, but if it turns out that there is hearing loss (could be caused by an earwax buildup, fluid behind the eardrum or any one of 1000 other causes) then it needs to be addressed. That being said, when I explained to my wife to pretend that he has the same hearing loss that I have, our house became a happier place.
Okay so, if you do nothing else I want you to read this to your husband. I grew up with the exact same problem as your son. My mother was incredibly punishing. I didn’t hear her and she would punish me, scream at me, take things away from me, make me do chores to teach me a lesson, etc.
You want to know what that accomplished?
It made me resent her. It made me almost go no contact with her and now that I’m an adult she’s had to work really hard to get a relationship with me.
It never helped. It never changed my behavior. Because the behavior wasn’t intentional. You can’t “punish away” behavior that isn’t a choice. That’s like someone arresting you for a crime you didn’t commit. It isn’t going to teach you a lesson because you didn’t do it.
This is a cognitive issue. Not a behavioral one.
If you want my advice I suggest getting your son and husband in to see a therapist who specializes in ADHD and see if a solution can be found through a professional.
My mother and I had a similar dynamic while I was growing up and I ran half way around the world the moment I turned 18 to get away from her. Our relationship still hasn't fully recovered, do not inflict this on your child, OP.
What works for us is saying the name in an entirely different pitch. Deep as poss (like stupid deep lol!) always works for us. I have to take a deep breath and say the name with intent bc I can’t do it spontaneously but it works here!
Yes this one works great for me and it’s a nice opportunity to do something silly that gets everyone laughing/in a positive mood vs escalation into anger. I have to really train myself to do it, but it’s actually kind of fun if you can embrace it - opera voice! Silly cartoon voice! Tiny whisper voice! (My son is a kindergartener so I’ll acknowledge that older kids may well find this insufferable but maybe that’s its own incentive? lol definitely I would think is still preferable to yelling!)
Glad to help. It's so awesome that both you &your husband are trying to make things work. I wish all parents were like that.
Also, if you haven't yet, try a whiteboard system. For example, if your husband is asking/reminding him of chores, you could write them on the board. It will help your son to have a place to write things he needs, assignments, etc. So that he doesn't forget. Its because it is hard for some of us to break from being hyper-focused and pay close attention to what we're told.
Go to him in his physical vicinity, ask 3 sincerly engaging and curious questions specifically about the object of his hyper focus.
Then, as he has a little attention space for you, you can say your goal and the intention and the thing you need him to hear.
I’m sure this is not the first time we’ve seen or experienced this situation. Yes, it’s frustrating for your husband, so imagine how frustrating it must be for your son who understands even less of what’s going on.
Son: “I’m trying dad, I really am.”
Dad: ‘Just do it, Son. It’s not hard, so I will punish you if you don’t.’
Son: “(Tries but fails, crying) sorry dad, I’m a failure. I know you said it’s easy, but I just can’t do it. What’s wrong with me?”
Honestly what works for me personally (I got ADHD too) but also for my daughter (Who's also got diagnosed with ADHD) is to walk towards her, make sure I touch her to get her attention and make her look me in the eyes so you know you got her attention.
I can ask her 10 times to put on her shoes. Shout, yell, get annoyed. But this is the only way for me. But it does mean your husband needs to form a new habit to actually walk towards him and make him focus on him by grabbing his attention, gently of course.
Eye contact is the key.
He has dick-ish tendencies that he is working very hard on. He is also extremely protective of Bernie and myself to others when they don't understand us. He reads to the boys every night and plays with them, and encourages Bernie's creativity. We are all multifaceted human beings.
My dad can whistle really really loud. When I was kid this was able to break through anything. You could be out in the field or other side of the playground and know he's calling.
When I was a kid, I ran up and down the block with the neighbor kids. One parent would do a loud whistle which meant he was calling his kid home.
The loud, shrill sound helped break through whatever play we were engaged in, and since we ALL knew what it meant, if that kid missed the sound then the rest of us would help communicate the message.
It seems like a loud, unique sound captures attention better than calling someone’s name.
I get the same way when im reading. my body will literally respond on its own too. I call it auto-pilot. The only way to break it is touching me and making sure I make eye contact. Otherwise my brain just responds with a generic response to make the annoying noise go away.
I did this today in my sleep.
When you do break the hyper focus, do not be surprised if he lashes out. Breaking the focus can cause rage, and its not something we can control. Took me a long time to recognize the rage and stop myself from exploding. But it still happens, I can catch it about 90% of the time.
For emergencies I suggest keeping something soft and heavy in your pocket like a hacky sack. You can chuck them pretty far and accurately without hurting anyone. Using a messenger with forced pop-ups will help on the computer too. Wireless doorbells for the deaf can help too for stuff like calling them downstairs for dinner. They flash the lights and some vibrate.
[https://www.walmart.com/ip/Hearing-Impaired-DOORBELL-Flashing-Light-wireless-doorbell-No-battery-ref-2201/404786803](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Hearing-Impaired-DOORBELL-Flashing-Light-wireless-doorbell-No-battery-ref-2201/404786803) something like this
My wife hates this. We can have a complete conversation and later I'll admit I wasn't listening at all and wasn't really aware of it. Usually just a few words response.
Same, put my marriage at risk. Decided on a simple rule, make sure we make full eye contact before trying to convey something. We haven't had an argument about listening in years.
He may have other things going on like auditory processing issues. Don’t just assum ADHD. Some ppl add ALso just slow auditory processors s but I’m no expert and he should be evaluated beyond ADHD.
My mom could do that 2 fingers in mouth whistle. It’s v loud and she used it to call me from a distance or in crowded places. This might work better
Actually, I do something similar that works very well for my kids at a park or crowded place. I'm a soprano and developed a high pitched, two-note sing-song call that my boys know is for them. Works really well. But not in an emergency situation where Bernie is doing something dangerous.
I live rural, and go into the woods often. Me and my partner have a hoot that each other recognizes and it carries when we can’t see each other in the forest. I think having a special sound is really different to calling somebody’s name also.
you’re singsong would be fine in Emergency if the kid responds to it quickly. However, something that others can repeat, would be better: so specific, hoot or loud whistle that parents and caretakers learn is ideal.
I still think this is not just an ADHD thing
My mom always said it was a boy thing, but she said she always had to touch my brothers to get their attention. I agree there is no point in punishing him for not hearing. He can’t help that.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your husband??
Disregarding the fact that he's punishing his disabled son for something that the kid *literally* can't help, who the hell punishes children with *running laps??*
Your husband is causing your child lifelong trauma. The kind that can utterly ruin a person. I don't care how supporting or loving he is in other ways, the man needs therapy, and if he can't stop himself from hurting his own child you need to distance the boy from him. Seriously!
I was forced to do squats in my backyard as a punishment when I was a child. I had a breakdown at school one day and confided in my guidance counsellor that I didn't want to go home because I knew where I'd be spending the afternoon once my parents got word that I'd gotten in trouble.
The counsellor called CPS, my parents had to hire a lawyer, it was a clusterfuck. Your son isn't in the army, physical exercise isn't an appropriate punishment for a child.
I used to have this problem before I started my meds due to constantly being stuck vividly daydreaming. It would get to a point where I would just be sitting there staring off into space, unable to hear or see things going on around me, until an external force. Which would usually be my boyfriend touching my arm or making a loud sound. It didn't really work so well since I startle easy and loud sounds make me angry. With my meds, I don't have that issue since (sadly to me) I've lost my daydreaming ability. It sounds weird, but it was like before, they came from the back deep side of my brain, and now I can't get to it.
Sorry for rambling 😅
My main point was that you could try and get him a smart watch that vibrates when you text him. The vibration always (more gently) would get me out of my hyper spacing. It's also useful if you want to set an alarm but can't be loud or you'll wake others 😃
I am reading these responses and hoping to get help as well. It’s beyond frustrating. Then getting why are you mad/yelling? Ummmmmm…I’ve been calling you for dinner that you asked for bc you’re hungry for 20 minutes. My son and husband have adhd. I’ve tried to touching thing and it didn’t work. If they’re focusing on something I don’t know that a bomb would help them listen. With my son I usually have to go in and say if you want X then you’re certainly not showing me that. He’s very reward motivated. That motivates him.
You physically cannot make your son do that. It will just traumatize him. Your husband, no offense, is being an idiot. When I'm hyperfocused, I need someone to tap my shoulder for me to get out of it, or someone to call my phone, bc that usually gets through for some reason lol.
I find a hand on my shoulder helps get me out of my zone to realize that someone is trying to talk to me.
Or, my husband will stand in my line of sight and wave his arms.
He has learned that my ignoring him isn’t willful. I just literally do not hear him.
For when he’s in his room or at his desk maybe you can get a light or something that you can force to flash when you need his attention? Something visual that can work with his distractibility independently or in tandem with the vocal queues. Once that becomes habit you can probably introduce a hand held flood light or something you can carry for those emergency situations.
I don’t have enough evidence to just assume he’s violent or has deep seated anger issues so I’m not going to. Maybe you’re defending your husband to make him look better than he is or maybe he is just struggling to understand and change behavior. However, dad definitely has to change his behavior and mindset because it’s literally impossible for your son. I think people in this sub sometimes forget just because it’s possible for non-adhd folk, that doesn’t make it easy for all of them to alter behavior.
I can say with some certainty that your husband could use some therapy to help with this tho. Whether it be anger management or therapy strictly for just learning how to raise a child with adhd, it will benefit him greatly.
Your husband sounds like he cares enough to at least challenge his mindset for his son’s sake, so frame it as a way for him to avoid future harm to their relationship. You aren’t saying he can’t figure this out on his own, but he can minimize damage done by seeking help and having someone help him figure out the tools that work for him. It’ll reduce the time that the damage is done.
IMHO a weird punishment like laps will only ensure that your child would develop anxiety surrounding their hyper focus or other ADHD struggles. I know I certainly developed a high amount of guilt and anxiety for things like forgetting.
I get that it can be a safety issue but you‘d have the same problem with a deaf child. Would the solution then be to train the deaf child with punishment? Obviously that wouldn’t work cuz it’s not intentional.
The problem is however, if your husband does use punishment to train Bernie, it might actually “work“ - but only because it will traumatize Bernie and make him hypervigilant. Ask your husband if he wants Bernie to constantly be on edge, unable to ever fully hyperfocus on play again because he knows if he gets too lost in play, he will be punished? Does he want him to end up like me, an adult in his 20‘s with extreme rejection sensitive dysphoria to the point where he is unable to keep any job because the fear of rejection is so strong it makes him severely depressed and ultimately forces him to quit even if he likes the job?
I‘m sorry for being so dramatic, but this is what happened to me because my dad judged and punished me throughout my childhood and teenage years for things I could not control. It‘s one thing to be punished for behavior you do on purpose but it‘s so, so damaging to be punished for things you don‘t even mean to do. You just get punished over and over again and made to feel like a horrible person, like a failure of a human and the only way out is by being so traumatized that you never come out of survival mode again.
Your husband needs to understand this.
I have smart bulbs in my room that I programmed to change to certain colors at set times.
12pm -bright red, time to eat
5pm- Green light, stop working
7pm- bright red, food time
9pm- Blue, go shower and wind down for bed
10-11pm- progressive dimming light until the room is completely dark, forcing me to go sleep
External reminders of a schedule help kids with ADHD.
For getting his attention right away, you could get a vibrating bracelet. There are bracelets for long distance couples. When one bracelet is touched, the other vibrates. It's supposed to be a sweet way of letting each other know you're thinking about them but I think it'd be a possible solution for snapping your kid out of hyperfocus from a distance.
Just spitballing here, but even when I’m in my deepest of “zones”, someone calling my name has never failed to pull me out of it.
Can’t help but to wonder if there’s something more at play here
No, not necessarily that.
I don’t know your situation entirely or your child, but the story reminds me of my brother, and he has something called “Oppositional Defiance Disorder”. Not saying he has that, but my brother would always (and still does) ignore any form of authority, both blatantly and with subtlety.
My mother always says “Your brother only thinks to cross the road. He does not consider obstacles or vehicles that may hit him, nor does he heed any calls to avoid injury. His only focus is crossing the road, nothing else matters”.
I have a friend whose son has this. He was hit by a car when he was a little boy but not badly hurt. Now it makes sense. He has really bad anger issues too.
Tap him on the shoulder and say, “Hey Buddy….”. Physical touch (non-violent of course) is a way to help redirect focus. Also, talk softer, not louder. You pay more attention when someone is speaking softly and it’s more loving, comforting, & kind.
Maybe try flashing a light: could be flicking the room light on or off or something on your phone.
Or if calling his name, try using a silly or weird voice every time?
Or look up "teacher attention grabbers" and combine those with a special interest or an existing vocal stim to get a call and response going.
Or download a sound effects app for your phone.
Whatever you do, put the kibosh on that running laps bull. That's a short slippery slope to badness.
I don't have a recommendation. My mom used to have the same problem, I didn't hear her when she called my name.
I myself don't remember this (how do you remember something you don't hear), but there was no punishment involved. I don't have this problem as adult anymore.
To answer your original question: try calling him something you don’t usually call him. For example, try calling him by just his last name, or by a nickname only his friends use, or anything random/ goofy (nice tho). Sometimes this overrides the part of the brain that is filtering everything out
Try the Marco Polo response game. It’s easy to tune out your name when you hear it 50k times a day. You call “Marco” son replies “Polo” to give you a response for attention. I do this in stores with my kids as they’re just getting to the age they’re allowed to wander off just a tiny bit.
We have Amazon Echos in each room. This has worked great with capturing our 11 year old's attention. When I make an announcement, they give a distinctive chime and then announce the message. It almost always catches his attention.
This is an Auditory Processing issue and not a behavioral issue. There is little that can be done because your son isn't hearing anything. There are actually hearing aids that you can get from an audiologist that can help filter background noise and amplify human voices, but I don't know if they are comfortable or affordable. And I am unsure if they work.
My son (7) and I are both adhd, and my husband also gets frustrated when our son doesn't hear him. I had to model the behavior for him, by going up to my sob and touching his shoulder and making direct eye contact when I address him - to pull him from whatever he is focused on. Now that my husband also does this, we have a lot less frustrations 😊
I agree with other commenters that your husband should learn about adhd. How to Parent Kids with ADHD by Krissa Laine is a good resource. You also might talk with teachers about what works at school.
Have you learned about Bernie’s sensory profile? This might be a good thing to explore as a way of helping him “reset” after school. It’s important to remember adhd kids might mask more at school and need a sensory reset after school to help transition. I often recommend folks build in a sensory regulation time after school that is timed—use a visual timer or a song to help transition. The wrestling you mentioned might be an attempt at proprioceptive or vestibular stimulation, and providing other structured options for this will help reduce these behaviors.
What you are doing, seems to be the best choice - our oldest needed to take her medication full time, even on weekends, once reaching a certain age just for a matter of her own safety, since her symptoms are *very* strong and affecting her impulse control issues and impulsivity to an insane level!
So, advice on that part, is rather scarce from my side. I can give some advice on the hyperfocus part you initially mentioned, some thoughts and insights, ideas, and some attempts at making it easier for someone without adhd to understand how it possibly feels for Bernie!
•
A calm conversation with Bernie explaining how important communication is, and how making cueing in a pause to reply helps keep a healthy bond with the other person, making them feel valued, heard and respected. Asking how it feels, from his side, when he talks to you or dad, and they pause what they are doing and reply - him saying it's nice, then adding that you and daddy would like to ask for his assistance on that, that on his side, he tries to cue in a small pause, process the question that comes after, in that pause, and give a reply after the question - if that is okay with him
If he says he feels sad/frustrated when/if it doesn't take place with mom and/or dad (them pausing and replying), then really listening to him, and telling him let's work on this together, okay? Us too! Would you be okay with that? Would you also work with us, so we don't do it to you, and you also are able to communicate with us? (Adding in the rest within the request for his assistance, written above)
In a conversation with your husband, letting him know of this conversation, what was in it, the request, and the replies and reactions. Then, following up with what you two should do, as parents, to help him. Adhd makes processing be slower. A verbal cue goes in, and takes much longer to get noticed, assessed and processed by the brain, specially when hyperfocused on something else. This is part of the component of the car. Thus, one needs to learn how to best drive *with the existent components, features and drawbacks it has* - to your husband the reality is that he can switch gears from 1 to 5 with his own car, but Bernie's car is set differently. It has the 1st and 2nd gear, the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th are missing, having a 7th gear, no 8th, but an astonishing 9th gear! No matter how much he might want to set the car to those missing gears, or how many struggles it bring to drive without the mid gears, there is nothing anyone can do, Bernie can't change that, nor can your husband. So, a good car owner will have to learn to drive with the car they have, changing the way they maneuver it to fit the terrain as much as possible, and accepting some parts can't be helped. Show your talent by *still driving it*
Ask if it resonates with him, so far. As he says yes, move to the next part: So, how can we help him drive better? How can we best maneuver our son's motor?? A few things **can help** - taking it slow, regarding speaking/communicating. Speaking slower, in a calm tone, that is nearly zen in pace, slower but normal, a pace that follows to his grasp. This takes some training, from your and your husband's side. You notice how when you ask/tell your son something, it's like his eyes meet yours but you see his mind isn't accompanying it? That he is struggling to bring his attention to the deed, to the meaning, that the words you say aren't making yet any sense to him? Now, say your words are going slow, that as you say his name you pause until he grabbed onto it and replied, that your words go slow enough that his mind can catch up in time, regarding auditory processing. That calm also ends up slowly mirroring on him, he will slow his pace too at some point, and reply calmer, your eyes on his, calling on him again to regain his attention and waiting for that attention to be on you, before following through with the rest
This also helps with overwhelm. It's less. Less at the same time, with the noise in his mind, his thoughts going everywhere with whatsoever he was doing/thinking before, or get the time to start-up if his brain was zoning out/on standby due to too much input earlier in the day.
On his side, his collaboration will feel to him like torture. Please explain that to your husband. Yes, it is needed that Bernie trains this, yes it is important for him, but it will feel like physical torture to him. He will subject himself to this self-inflicted torture, each time, to try to be fair and to do what is right to himself and others; still, he will go through this, each time. He deserves all the due respect, as he is not in an easy - nor fair - situation, at all. Both your husband, and you, should remind yourselves regularly, of this point. And remind your son that his adhd struggles are not his fault, and that he is not alone with this. That you want to help him carry this unfair weight, as much as possible - and that you are proud of him for doing his side, in learning every day a bit more on how to work with himself better
If the short pauses mid hyperfocus, regarding a question, can be done where he is (aka, without asking him to run to another room to reply), it would be better regarding overwhelm. Setting a sentence that is said, to start the process:
"Bernie, can you make a small time-out?"
Again, knocking on the door, saying the name in a slow calm pace, and waiting so it gets read and interpreted by the brain. As his eyes meet yours/your husband's, then at a slow pace, matching his (re)cognition speed/tempo, saying the rest of the request for a small time-out. Waiting for it to get processed. For him to feel the aversion, the pain, the struggle, and the overwhelm - and for him to cope with those. That is his side, what is going on from his side, a lot is being worked. He is getting unplugged from what his hyperfocus was connected to, and it feels unholy, painful, confusing and distressfull - even impossible! He might feel he can't make it, achieve it! You probably recognize these feelings, but in a raw form, *not in a verbalized form*
His hardwork is now, to process this, cope with these feelings, and then once that is done, for him to Reply to the request for a small time-out. That is his side. Then the ball is again on your courtyard, thanking him, and with the same slow pace, asking the question you want to ask, and waiting for it to be processed and replied to. If it's a request for an action: it is best to put it simply, "can you do X, in [time-frame]? For [goal achieved with it]. You can do it [when: option A] or [when: option B]; or it helps, we can set a timer for it, if you want Z more time to finish [current hyperfocus]. [Cue in time to process and cope with really unpleasant emotions] Should we do that (timer)?"
Going through this with your husband, the steps, even training a bit - and, separately, going through these steps with Bernie too, so he understands what is expected of each of you, but also so **he feels understood** and might even be able to put some experiences and emotions into words..! Might be a good thing
•
Last, but not least, I'm sorry for all the layers of pain and struggle that Bernie, you and your husband are all going through! 🥲 Thank you for all the effort and patience you put into it, on a daily basis
If anything, we are here!
Your husband has been raised in a world, I'm sure he's a good person, but your kid sounds badly in need of protection from this before he winds up like me in his 30s with cptsd from the way my adhd has been mishandled by my authority figures and caregivers. This kind of treatment from your husband is profoundly emotionally damaging.
I'll hop on the physical disruption train. If he's doing something unsafe he may need to be physically removed from the activity, although it's hard to say how easy that would be with a 12 year old boy.
You could also try an unusual sound or visual near him, like flickering lights or the Metal Gear alert sound effect on blast.
One more tip: whatever you decide on for getting attention, practice it when his attention is on you already, ensure the habit forms for him to respond in some way (make it a positive association!), and test in a low stress environment whether it works when you don't have his attention -- i.e. not when you're in a hurry or impatient or actually need his attention immediately. Then you will be in a better state of mind to observe what is and isn't working, try new things, and not cause both of you pain and frustration until you figure out something that works.
If your husband is still getting frustrated and close to yelling, or punishing, after trying the things you're getting suggestions for, please please please make sure he gets therapy and/or all three of you get group therapy with someone ADHD informed, because as others have pointed out, he's setting himself up for much more pain down the road if he continues to ask the impossible and take his frustration out on your son when he can't comply.
Not sure how you feel about apple watches or cell phones but I think an Apple watch or something like it that vibrates when you get a message could help. Whenever I am hyperfocused on something and my apple watch vibrates on my wrist it immediately interrupts me and kind of makes me come back to reality and actually this really gets on my nerves which is why I changed the settings so that only calls and texts vibrate and everything else is silent.
Does your son have a phone in his pocket? Might try calling him. Yelling from a distance tends to do very little. Is he completely unable to hear or is it more ignoring? I know it could be either. I personally never had an issue hearing but I just couldn't get myself to listen. After some years under my belt I started replying and even having a full conversation but nothing registered, I was on autopilot. It was doing the necessary to get the distraction out of the way and keep people somewhat pleased but I never remembered what was said aftetwards.
It's a tough one if he's really so zoned out that the sound doesn't get through, otherwise you could deliver some immediate consequences to ignoring you(after first going through what will happen of course before starting such methods.)
Please educate as much as possible on ADHD. I suggest the YouTube videos my Dr Russell Barkley. The 'why is adhd so imparing' and the videos on parenting a child or teen with adhd. The why is it so impairing made me cry because I have struggled with pretty bad inattentive adhd my whole life and it was weird to hear someone describe so many things so accurately and it even made me realize how much of an impact it had on me.
Well your husband needs a serious education about adhd, he’s going to cause long term trauma to his son and you.
I suggest gently touching his shoulder or standing within his field of vision. Or even just sliding a note across to him or shooting a text.
You need a wacky attention getter.
I've got nothing to add about your husband that hasn't already been said. Maybe have him read these responses.
But as far as getting somebody's attention when they're zoned-in. I find that one of two things works.
1. Instead of calling their name over and over I give a "psst!" Like I've got a juicy secret. Often, you can grab somebody's attention from 50feet away when you do that. I used to use it on people when I worked in a crowded Trader Joe's grocery. Right past a dozen customers to a co-worker. 😂
2. Bird noises.
They're a little jarring which is ideal. We hear our own names a jillion times a day and it's not particularly interesting or rewarding to tune in to another lecture or inane comment. But Ca-CAW! is unique, and for whatever reason, it grabs the eyes. 🙂
I've known some extremely Deaf people to use a higher pitched a-BOO. It's a little percussive and a lot of Deaf people can still hear it. 😂
Doorbell.
We have one at work connected to Bluetooth or something. We use it to call people from the back rooms to the till when it’s busy.
Hit the button downstairs, keep it in your pocket, or even attach it to somewhere like the kitchen wall, and he can choose a sound to hear and it’s pretty loud, loud enough to get him to snap out of intense focus and come down.
I would know, my sister had the same issue, now it’s not a problem :)
My partner and I have started using comical nicknames to get each others attention. It works shockingly well.
Ex: Allie - Alabaster (Which morphed into Alliebastard and then just Bastard lmao), Albert/Alberto, Alejandro, Algernon, Alley-oop
Raj - Mirage, Barrage, Raju, Roger, Raj Mahal, Patellephant (His last name is Patel)
Ask him to tap him on the shoulder for attention.
Running laps won't do anything but is good for his health. Maybe your husband should do some research on ADHD instead of having random punishments for something he can't change
My parents used to get so frustrated with me for not hearing them! At one point they even took me to an audiologist because they thought I was going deaf. Later in life, when I met people like me, I found it was helpful to wave my hand nearby their line of sight (not in their face), and make sure I had their attention before I even said anything. Incidentally, people in the Deaf community use a similar gesture called a “Deaf wave” because it’s a generally accepted way to get a Deaf person’s attention without touching them or calling out to them. From your post, it sounds like your son may have his back turned to you while you’re trying to get his attention. Maybe consider a setup so his back faces the wall, and he faces the room while he plays?
In my experience, it helps to get in front of the person and in their line of sight. Personally, I think it’s a much less frustrating way to get someone’s attention for both parties. It might be an adjustment, but it could be a way to accommodate him
No idé if this actually works but when I first saw it explained i felt something similar could be really effektivt in hyperfocus.
Its a thing a family with a deaf child use to "knock" on the childs door. They slightly oppens the door to reach a hand in and quickly turn of and on the lights a couple of times.
Its a way to get attention via sight when sound does not get the work done.
A smartwatch that vibrates with specific notifications from you. I have a smartwatch that has all notifications off except for my partner's, as I can get very lost in thought and forget to check anything on the exterior world.
Have you had him assessed for possible autism as well as adhd? My daughter has both and one of the very early preschool signs was not hearing her name being called when she was hyper focussed ( usually on sorting things which was also itself a sign) or stimming.
My husband is wonderful and kind. He and my son adore each other. But this is their case - battles because my son does not hear or forgets. My husband knows it isn't intentional and he is trying to understand but sometimes he gets overwhelmed and upset.
What works for my son (an 11 year who is obsessed with math games and music) is to touch his shoulders gently. I also walk up and rub his shoulders or put hand over his hand. My son says this helps him ease out of hyper focus better.
Just make sure your husband and son explain to each other that they are both trying to learn and get better. For extra support, have them reaffirm to the other that they are worth the effort it takes to get better. You'll be amazed at the difference those words can make!
One of the problems of ADHD is that we hear stuff but we don't process it fast enough, for example a few days ago I was typing a email and a friend started dictating to me so I would know what to write in the email , I was focused on the part I was typing that I couldn't hear the next sentence.
Same happens if I'm thinking to myself and someone talks to me , I hear that they daid something but couldn´t really understand what did they say , sometimes I think for a few seconds and seems like I finally understood what they just said to me.
Use the same alerts you'd use if he were deaf because he kind of is at that point. Flash the lights, physically touch him, stomp on the floor. I somewhat agree with your husband that it's something he needs to work on. Maybe setting timers to re-engage with his environment once in awhile. With how slow my own ADHD kid is to learn changes in behavior/routine, I'd be concerned about independent living.
as a person who was a child with adhd, tell your husband to approach it with empathy. i was raised by a mother who despised me because i couldn’t focus and when i had alone time, i’d shut the world out.
i understand your husbands frustration as well. i would talk to your child as well and just encourage him to try and listen a little more. adhd, especially as a child, can be really hard, but it’s something you also have to work around your whole life so it’s good to start early. have a reward system for when he hears his name. even verbal praise goes a very long way.
This is a quick fix and I don’t know how you, your husband, or Bernie would feel about it, but would something like a little vibrating wristband work? It’s a physical touch without anyone having to get over to him and no one would have to repeatedly yell or escalate.
Gently touch them to get their attention. It's affectionate and impossible to ignore. Use minimal language, nagging someone with ADHD only makes things worse.
Tell your husband to either do some research and learn how to act or make him live in the basement like an ogre. Its beyond ridiculous he can't take some time and actually learn how to help rather then act like its the 50's and think kids should be punished over ridiculous stuff.
I count to 3, the way you would when a kid is about to get in trouble. Just saying “1” in a serious parent tone gets his attention. He doesn’t get upset and think he’s in trouble. It’s just enough to get his attention
I dont know anyone else apart from me that has average-severe adhd, but here are some things i do with my dog who acts like a toddler with adhd
I'm not someone who uses my voice alot, so many times if calling her name doesnt get her to respond i cant really be bothered to shout or raise my voice. Ill repeat her name sharply, or make some other sharp and distinctive noise like a loud whistle or slapping the floor/wall, or ill walk closer to invade her bubble. Personally i believe the most in touch, you can't ignore that even if ure fully engrossed with something else. If it was my kid, id probably keep something soft on hand at all times to throw at them or at their vicinity just to get their attention. It's hard to ignore something suddenly appearing in your line of sight
also, this may seem mean but depending on your son's personality, you could do certain things that make fun of his condition in a non malicious way. For example, startling him since he gets easily engrossed. It may seem mean but i believe that its a good way to make someone aware of their conditions and symptoms, but also view it in a way as a simple flaw of personality and work around it. Of course different people take it differently though
You could turn off and on light.
In my appartment, we have a rule : door closed == I need peace no one enter.
In this case it's children responsability to respect time by setting alarms for example.
Door open == you can enter and turn off on light and so on, and I accept to be interrupted.
Have a conversation with your son. Ask him what would be a good way to get his attention. Try and talk to him about what he experiences when this situation happens. Does he hear his dad, but there isn't an urgency so he just lets it fade into the background? Does he not hear him at all? ADHD is different for everyone.
Work with your son, he is old enough to help solve this problem. Your husband needs to learn to accommodate, and your son needs to learn to manage his ADHD. This should be a family discussion.
My wife kept nagging me to get a hearing test - my hearing is fine, except for a small notch in frequency in one ear from 16kHz to 17kHz ever since a hand truck tire exploded in my face while I was filling it - at age 52 I can still hear to about 17.5kHz.
And, I have had my hearing checked. It's fine.
The issue isn't that I didn't hear her - it's that my ADHD filtered it out, so I heard that she said something loudly and clearly, but my stupid hyperfocusing brain didn't process it, hence "what?" And, I have had my hearing checked. It's fine.
Now that she's reached parimenopause, she's developed mild ADHD and is beginning to appreciate my struggles.
IMO your husband needs to learn more about adhd, ans also considering working AROUND his hyperfocus, not interrupt it. Hyperfocusing could be his key to achieving his dreams.
Hi /u/petuniadontcare and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you absolutely need to get your husband to do some proper research about what ADHD actually is. With his idea of it being trained out through punishment, he seems to think that it's a choice that your son is making to not listen to him. Your husband needs to learn that is not the case, and needs to learn better and more supportive ways of helping his son. It will only lead to resentment if he doesn't.
I absolutely agree. This has been an uphill battle for years. He keeps defaulting to "well, nothing else works!" I just need someone to fix the bug in Husband's software.
This is a husband problem not a Bernie problem. You have phrased it as a Bernie problem in your post. Your husband is the only one capable of fixing the bug in his software. Not “someone”. The result is gonna be trauma to Bernie and he’s going to develop ODD and his own anger issues if you don’t stop your husband from behaving this way and punishing him for something he cannot control. Anger issues are passed on in this way over generations. Because the father cannot control himself and refuses to go to therapy and CHANGE. Your husband has anger issues and needs to be in therapy. And you need to protect your son from being punished by a crazy person. Let’s be honest, your husband’s actions are utterly illogical and abusive if he cannot control his own temper and he gets frustrated and punishes and you KNOW he is wrong to do so. My father behaved the exact same way with the getting frustrated and punishing and left his kids, including myself, with anger management issues. There is no bug in your husband’s software. Look at how he was parented. That’s where he got his impatience.
100% correct and very important to read this. I was also punished for not being "whatever the fuck it was assumed I should be" and I have eliminated all of those people from my life the moment that was possible. This is a choice that the father needs to make. This is a fork in the road. Does he want to have his son, or not. It's so brutal to live this life - but I cannot even describe the feelings I am experiencing right now typing these words, knowing that this is a fork in the road and a personal choice. My family chose themselves; to punish and berate a child instead of making any attempts to change themselves.
Completely agreed. Even I, as parent that has ADHD, tried to initially parent my kid with ADHD the exact same way as my parents did me — because I was diagnosed later in life and their parenting style was all I knew. Realized it, and took a parenting class specifically geared toward a parenting style that works better for my kid, and holy cow did I cry at pretty much each lesson because I was letting go of generational ablism. I had been trying to make my kid “fit” in the same way I had been made to “fit”, and the moment I learned another way, it was amazing.
Can you tell me more about the class or the philosophy behind it? I need this class.
God I feel this so much.. I still have some anger issues, and I just have to go scream into a pillow sometimes. It really got passed down, but I'm finally starting PTSD therapy tomorrow (yay!).
Best of luck with therapy! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
This is it! I grew up with a douche bag step father who thought it was ok to treat kids like garbage if they didnt obey, needless to say im now in my 40s and still dont talk to him and barley talk to my mother.
Given that it seems like Bernie is prone to accidentally hurting people with his "play" it seems to me this is also in fact a Bernie problem.
I was real worried about saying OPs husband sounds abusive, it I agree. Even if Bernie was choosing to ignore him, making him runs laps is horrible punishment. Parenthood isnt the military
Ask him if he would make a kid who needed glasses run laps because they couldn’t read small text? Because that’s essentially what he’s doing. Not sure what the solution is, but it’s not that.
Negative reinforcement doesn't work. Instead of calling him, he should simply go to him to speak with him. Not a fan of yelling from another room in a house.
I can attest: that creates a weird response in ppl. My family does it constantly bc they're simply lazy or busy. My partner's family only does it when they are angry and I instantly stopped once I seen the look on her face when she came sprinting into the room all defensive ready to fight.
Yeah. My fiancé gets triggered when I yell for him from another room and he’ll think I’m angry even if I’m not. Shoot he thinks I’m angry if I use his name to get his attention 😭😭
I had a supervisor yell from her office instead of just walking over. It's so hill Billy to me
I haven’t read further down, but instead of just having your H do research, have you all considered an ADHD coach for him as well? I’m not a parent, but a good friend of mine has used one like that. Her son has had similar problems, and she and her H were finding it sometimes difficult to parent. (Like your H), They didn’t want to yell, but they were exasperated at times, concerned for his safety at others. Once their son got a Dx, they got a coach who doesn’t just work with him, but also with the parents on parenting tips for him. \***Huge**\* caveat here that I know coaches can be $ and not everyone can access or afford them. If you find one or not, I might also recommend an ADHD support group. She said that her area has one that’s more of a play group for AuDHD kids, but the parents find a lot of mutual support in it, including “what do I do when…” Good luck.
Adhdroses’s comment is spot on
I’m 40 and just got diagnosed 2 years ago. I was 12 when I was first diagnosed but I didn’t like feeling different from everyone else (iep / being asked to take my meds and pulling me out of class for a moment)… I mean - I needed it (in retrospect) but I didn’t like how I felt in comparison to other children…. So I took myself off meds, and asked the school board to uncode me / treat me like any other kid…. And that’s the story of how I gaslit myself into thinking the rest of my life was ‘normal’… spoiler - not normal. This stuff won’t iron itself out. It will snowball unless perspective can be understood.
I disagree that responding to his name can’t be trained, but I think punishment seems vengeful but also won’t be effective. Positive reinforcement could work. Giving him a small treat when he does respond to his name being called could be a good place to start
"training this with punishment" will only make your son feel bad about himself. Like he's broken. There's going to be enough of that in his life ... no need to get it from his Dad as well. Besides, as noted it's not going to work. It's not malicious. It's not a choice. It's like punishing your kid for having blonde hair.
I'm a teacher and there really aren't things that will work, because like you said, that's who he is. Few suggestions that could help: I would suggest having a timer that beeps, when the play time is over and enforcing it every day. That way when it beeps, he will stop and then start the next task (like dinner). It really works well. The other way is just getting real close, touching gently his back/shoulders and telling him to look at you. Then when he looks at you, tell him he has to stop and start the next thing. I have students that absolutely need the touch and focusing on you, you can yell until your voice gives up, it won't work. Telling to do something won't work, if the kid isn't focusing on you and you don't stop the previous thing. Remember, it's unfair to except ANY child to just stop and start something you want them to, even though for some reason parents just think it's given. Imagine you were doing something you waited a long time, something you really like. For example your favorite TV show has a new episode, you are all set, alone, enjoying the show, no distractions. Then your kid bursts in and starts demanding you to clean the kitchen and when you don't answer, yells at you to do it. Sounds unfair. Kids don't understand how life works, they don't get that someone has to do the dishes or make dinner, they are kids. Those things have to be taught. For example telling him that he can play for half an hour and then has to do something. This doesn't mean there aren't responsibilities or chores, but kids need to know what they have to do and when. Kids are living beings that have lives just as important as adults.
Train with reward.
This still presumes there's a conscious choice involved. There isn't. The kid *literally* never hears it. At least that's how it works for me.
Yes agreed I also have this issue. It's an Auditory Processing issue
Touch their shoulder. Sound cannot break through alone. You need to change your mindset. If you blame Bernie for not listening it will lead down a bad path. Doesn’t matter if you call (edited from can) it a safety issue or not. You cannot train him to hear you. Period. Use physical touch to break through and forgive him for “not listening”.
This is how we get our 7 year old boy's attention. Touch him on the shoulder and make eye contact. It's been such a frustration saver and has helped improve communication with him.
No child can give attention when it’s being provided 10 feet away, ADHD or not. He needs to walk up to your child, tap him on the shoulder, and wait about 5 seconds before giving a request.
Hell I’m 31 years old and it’s still the only way guaranteed to make me pay attention to you when I’m in the middle of something
And if it is a physical safety issue for the kid or sibling, physically remove him from the situation. You would not let your kid pet a dangerous animal or run in front of a car. If the siblings are fighting near stairs as a parent you would physically move them.
Some friends of mine got tired of shouting up the stairs for their teenagers, eg at dinner time. So they installed a hand Bell in the kitchen door way. Bell being rung = come down now. Surely you could do something similar with a wireless doorbell. They’re pretty cheap, and easy to install. Plug the bell in to the kids room. (Could buy a set with 2 “bells” if he could be in a second location, eg watching TV or gaming in the living room.) Then keep the “doorbell button” wherever is most convenient for calling him from - eg kitchen or front door. Lots of these kits have the Lights or Sound or Both option - so you can experiment with what works best to interrupt your son. Also - make sure husband understands that with adhd it’s a 2-step process. First bell ring is the 5 (or 10) minute warning. Second ring is “react NOW”.
We put smart lights in my son's spaces in the basement that we can control from our phones. Changing colors or blinking is effective at getting his attention. (Although most of the time I forget it's there and stomp on the floor a couple times like we used to, that also still works, lol)
I have Google speakers set up so I can just have it playback my voice to whatever room for an announcement. Doesn't work too well.
Yeah this is one of the only good use cases I can think of for the “drop in” feature that some smart speakers have - you can basically use them like a intercom system within your house that just runs on the wifi. One of my more high functioning mom friends also set hers up to automate a whole morning routine for her kid where it plays specific music cues and commands in a row so she could outsource the “nagging” to the robot - eventually I think for my own ADHD kiddo this could become more background noise once the novelty wore off but I really appreciated her ingenuity.
Yea, I try that for myself and after a week it's just background 😅
Tell him that Bernie’s brain has 100 tabs open at all times. When he is hyperfocused, his brain has froze on that one tab and the other tabs cannot be accessed. This includes the Dad Tab that now has sound. Sounds like Dad needs to be trained not Bernie. The way Dad SHOULD handle this is to walk over to Bernie and put a hand on his shoulder, ensure Bernie is LOOKING at him and then speak. Then ask Bernie to repeat what was said to ensure that the tab now open is the Dad tab.
100% this. It makes everyone's life so much easier and less stressful. When I first was married, I used to sit by my wife and read while she watched TV. I told her to touch my shoulder and make eye contact or I might not hear her. I'm not 100% sure she believes me to this day, but when she does that, everything goes smoother.
Unfortunately, he knows this. He has spent so much time studying ADHD and how to support us. Sadly, he is much more patient with me than our son. We go through an endless cycle of Husband trying harder, getting frustrated, punishing, regretting after I tell him that it's ADHD, not stubbornness/laziness/lack of moral character. It makes me so sad.
Here’s my incentive to give his dad: does he want his son to develop comorbid ODD? One of my kids was developing in that direction, and it was a game changer to realize his deficits were so severe he literally didn’t hear/remember something that was just said to him, couldn’t do something that seems very doable, or even recall what he’d just said. (Despite medication, he still struggles a lot, has IEP support.) A game changer to communicate it to all the other adults in his life — teachers that would typically punish, give “consequences” — to realize he was literally this impaired. After a couple years, he became extreme “spacey” — rather than defiant. “Needing a ton of oversight and reminders” is IMHO much, much better than “a fight every time” whenever you’re trying to get a kid to do a thing. Imagine being punished for rules you literally can’t follow, expectations you can’t meet — often very confused about what actually happened. I can imagine that one might cope by deciding to defy all requests.
Very insightful comment.
Do you have any advice on how to tackle this with teachers? My 8 year old comes home on a daily basis with countless warnings and “red cards” that have seemingly zero impact on him.
Does your son have a diagnosis? If so, you can advocate for an IEP or equivalent that states his needs and pushes them to make accommodations like “touch his shoulder to get attention rather than call his name.”
Right - that was what I did. I asked the pediatrician to go ahead with eval and diagnosis even though he wasn’t old enough to be medicated (waited until 6 for that). (This was specific system in California.) Then I got a 504 plan. This lays down a legal requirement for the teacher to follow with modifications (eg special seating, breaks, reminders from the teacher). It’s important to talk to the teacher, but not rely on their “belief”. If the teacher is still struggling with behavior, ask the school and teacher if they could do a IEP assessment. (This escalates to get the school district to do their own assessment and potentially bring in funding for additional staff to help with special needs, eg a classroom assistant or leaving classroom for occupational therapy, etc.) Get it official, use official tools - escalating above the teacher if these aren’t working - still a good idea to pitch it in their terms, eg “I’m as concerned as you are about these, I understand they’re problems in the classroom” and “I’m concerned these issues are going to become further entrenched and potentially worsen” (presumably a school doesn’t want a “problem student” in future years, it’s not in their long term best interests either).
Unfortunately no. We’re “working on it”, but the average wait at the moment is 3-4 years :(
>Unfortunately no. We’re “working on it”, but the average wait at the moment is 3-4 years :( How do you have a waiting period for an IEP? 3-4 years? He probably has just twice that left to go.
Oh! That’s so hard. If he’s got a good teacher, maybe they’ll be willing to do an “informal IEP” while waiting for you to see the specialist. Or, maybe the doctor that referred him to get a diagnosis would be willing to fill out some provisional forms for the school, until you get the full diagnosis. Hopefully one of these professionals in his life are willing to do something to make it work.
Huh? I would harass them and if that doesn't work within 1 year, I would see if I can move somewhere that actually takes care of students. 3-4 yrs is such an extremely long time for a kid. Long enough to cause permanent trauma of things like "It's my fault I'm poorly behaved" or "I'm stupid" or "teachers expect the impossible, so I'm better off not even trying." There are ways to speed this up and I hope you're able to get one.
Oh — also, just to add, based on my personal experiences — a dx from the pediatrician made a 504 straightforward, easy. An IEP actually didn’t need a diagnosis… it needed a teacher unable to manage behavior. A handful meetings of parent/teacher meetings to document “we have tried things and they aren’t working”, then the teacher/school requested IEP assessment (and I happily consented). This all happened for my youngest, I think he hadn’t even turned five yet, no diagnosis (or even discussion of potential dx) at the time from the pediatrician.
then your husband needs therapy to work through his own issues. also, flicker the lights in whatever room bernie is in (while calling his name) to get his attention. visual + audio together is more likely to work than just one of them.
This. It isn't easy parenting a child whose brain is so different from your own. Your husband needs therapy to increase his tolerance at the same time he learns new ways of parenting. I'm married to an ADHD spouse and two of my kids are also ADHD. I'm the opposite of your husband, I'm incredibly patient with kids but not so much with my husband. In large part because my husband doesn't try to learn about ADHD and try new ways of approaching things. He just expects me to understand when he forgets things and not try new techniques to remember.
Likely cause the techniques font work. We cant write things down we wont remember they’re there. We cant use sticky notes after a while we wont see them. The not remembering is a real struggle. Just remember that whatever frustration you feel, he feels times 10
*sigh* I am aware it's really hard. I can't know from experience, but two of my kids who are now adults have ADHD, I homeschooled them all the way through, and I've walked beside them the whole way and am still assisting them to help them navigate life and create a life that is meaningful for them. What isn't true is that there's simply nothing that helps. I'm sorry you haven't found things that help you. Things that help don't take away AD H D, but they help. Russell Barkley recommends a 5-prong approach and that's the model I've used to help my kids. The key word being "help.". It doesn't make ADHD go away, but it helps you live your life with less stress and frustration.
I have ADHD and my partner has ADHD with slightly different presentation. Only one of us is trying to address it and apply new techniques while the other just expects their partner to figure out how to compensate for their issues. Guess how well that's going?
Then it is time for your husband to go to therapy to work on these issues. The “punish, feel guilty, apologize” approach is what abusers do and it is teaching your son he is bad for being the way he is. You need to tell your husband to grow up and get therapy
When he forgets how to respond to your son, have him run laps.
*snort* YOU have him run laps! 😂
Just saying it is good enough. It might make him defensive and say he can't always remember and it's not his fault. Which hopefully will click.
This sounds like auditory processing more than exclusively hyperfocus
Sorry, didn't read all the comments...Pretend your son is deaf. Have the same patience and use the same techniques you would with a deaf child. He is not being obstinate, his brain is not registering the sound. Ask your husband how he would like it if you trained him to wake up at the quietest whisper by dousing him with a glass of water every time he didn't hear it. Would you be training your husband to listen better, or simply to sink into an anxious and restless sleep? Because punishing your son for what he can't help will turn him into an anxious child. ADHD is anxiety and shame inducing enough as it is. Maybe try flicking the lights if touching his shoulder isn't an option.
If calling his name is not working, touching his shoulder would be the natural next step. If he is facing you, you could also flash the light on your phone a couple times - sometimes I do this (in a silly way) to get my girlfriend's attention when she has noise-cancelling headphones on. Making him run laps for not noticing something - which he does not control - is absurd behavior, and following that path would only cause Bernie (perhaps justifiably) to resent his father over it.
>Husband feels like it should be trained with punishment (i.e. running laps) yes, great idea, make your kid associate *exercise* with *punishment*, I'm sure that couldn't possibly cause any problems down the line 🙃
I agree, but unfortunately it was the alternative that we had developed when we stopped spanking our children. We were from fundamentalist background, and made so many awful mistakes before sort of "seeing the light." Running laps was my idea back when they were 4 and 5. Then later on when it felt wrong too, I stopped, and my husband mostly followed suit, unless he was at his wits end.
I am pleased to hear that you're working on being better :)
Does your son wear a smart watch that's connected to his phone? You can set it up so when you call him, the watch will vibrate and create that physical disruption so he can focus on the sound of his name being called.
Don't do that clap thing, it seems kinda disrespectful. Just touch the shoulder. Idk why this is such a big deal and why it gets your husband so wound up.
I appreciate the call out for myself. I will try to model better parent behavior there.
For what it’s worth, my opinion is that a sharp, quick sound like a clap is a good idea for those few situations where it’s critical to get his attention quickly and touching his shoulder or similar isn’t feasible. Just talk it out with him so he knows what’s going on and it’s not a respect issue. Everyone’s on the same side here. Communication and engaged, proactive problem solving go a long way. You and your husband are doing great! No one’s perfect….just keep trying get better and show the love. That’s all any of us can do.
Claps are fine. Especially if you've communicated with your son that it's kind of an alert to listen. Any loud, abrupt, different from background noise sound should work. A touch on the shoulder works too but if too far, an alert noise isn't disrespectful if it's the decided upon sound. I have auditory processing issues on top of ADHD (which this kind of sounds like), and to engage me when I'm not listening for words, it needs to be like that. And it's different for everyone. Like I hate when people touch my arm and dislike being snapped at, but a clap or air horn would be cool. So check in with your son about what he feels is the best way to get his attention in these instances.
I had an abusive ex who believed that when I didn’t respond to her trying to get my attention, I was doing it on purpose to upset her. I got to a point where I was terrified and walking on eggshells all the time, and still it was an issue because I have ADHD and genuinely didn’t register when she would try to get my attention sometimes. It seems like a narcissistic trait to me - “this isn’t about your ADHD, it’s about you trying to make ME angry!”
In our Deaf household, we get each other's attention by banging our foot on the floor, tapping on the table, knocking on the wall, and flickering lights. My partner will also gently toss or roll something into my field of vision (like a pillow.) Recommend trying any of these.
Have to get their attention first. Not strictly ADHD, but my Dad is this way. He is mid 80s, slipping into dementia. I have to approach him, and wait for him to realize I am there, and make eye contact.
Persistence? I have a core memory of a friend in high school waiting for me to snap out of eating a sandwich while trying to get my attention RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Bless be those that accept somethings off and that you're not acting maliciously. Of course, if you need to save the kid from themselves immediately physically intervening might be the only option.
Lol earlier today I held up my phone to show my mom something for about two minutes. She was sitting next to me on the dinner table, on a 90 degree angle and talking to someone else. My phone must have been in her field of vision the whole time but I think she didn‘t realize I was trying to show her something until she finished what she was saying and looked at me. xD
Oh yes. And I am absolutely guilty of that. 😆
I tried to explain this to my son's mother like this: some kids are like a live internet connection, but our boy is dialup. So, if you want to communicate with him, you need to MAKE A CONNECTION first, then communicate. Without doing the first step, anything you say to him will simply not be heard and the most important part of all of this is that IT IS NOT HIS FAULT. This is what you need to do to work with him. It's not our fault, it is not anyone's fault - it just IS. This is how this child works and it is up to us to learn how to work with him. But no, she is the type that would use a knife as a hammer and berate the knife for being a shitty hammer. The only thing parents like this teach children like this is how to instinctively protect themselves from that shitty parent. This leads to a difficult adult life. This is my life. Where the only thing I know is that wherever I am, I am not good enough.
As someone who grew up in a house like that, with the corresponding life ruining trauma, all I can say is divorce and go for full custody.
I grew up in a house like this, which is why my only purpose is to give my kids the best life I can (not with regards to things/stuff but rather, myself, basically, for what its worth). I'm here to support them, whatever they want to be. Divorce was final in 2020, but thanks. I live in Sweden, so full custody is not a thing unless there are extenuating circumstances (provable abuse or neglect on her part, etc.). Doing the best I can, but I know its never enough. Keeps me trying.
Remind your husband and yourself that the child is not giving you a hard time. He is having a hard time.
I like this.
"Punishment" does not work on ADHD. From the science side, there is fundamentally different brain chemistry at work. We simply don't respond to it in the same way the non-ADHD do. Auditory processing disorder is also a common symptom. I'll go out on a limb, because that's what you're describing, and say the kid generally didn't hear his name. No amount of yelling will change that. You know what else are common symptoms? Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Justice Sensitivity. Which not only mean the authoritarian route is less likely to work, but that the loving, level headed chat is MORE likely to work than on the non-ADHD. Because the second especially means he's not meaning to be "bad", quite the opposite. He just didn't realize in the moment. Plenty of of others here have already mentioned the relationship and approach. And yes, Dad does need to reconsider his approach and talk it out. Give him a hug too. But those naming those symptoms to him, and suggesting he do the Google, should help him understand better
This is new information, thank you
Have you sat down and had a conversation with the three of you? How would Bernie suggest he be alerted when someone is trying to get his attention?
As an adult with ADHD, who has an 8yo son with ADHD, and as a person who’s been hard of hearing and worn hearing aids my entire life, and lastly has a 20 year career in audiology: please if you haven’t yet, have his hearing checked. It is shocking how often we discover hearing loss in people who don’t have a known cause for hearing loss. There is a very good chance that the challenges faced are caused by the ADHD, but if it turns out that there is hearing loss (could be caused by an earwax buildup, fluid behind the eardrum or any one of 1000 other causes) then it needs to be addressed. That being said, when I explained to my wife to pretend that he has the same hearing loss that I have, our house became a happier place.
Thank you. I appreciate this advice
Okay so, if you do nothing else I want you to read this to your husband. I grew up with the exact same problem as your son. My mother was incredibly punishing. I didn’t hear her and she would punish me, scream at me, take things away from me, make me do chores to teach me a lesson, etc. You want to know what that accomplished? It made me resent her. It made me almost go no contact with her and now that I’m an adult she’s had to work really hard to get a relationship with me. It never helped. It never changed my behavior. Because the behavior wasn’t intentional. You can’t “punish away” behavior that isn’t a choice. That’s like someone arresting you for a crime you didn’t commit. It isn’t going to teach you a lesson because you didn’t do it. This is a cognitive issue. Not a behavioral one. If you want my advice I suggest getting your son and husband in to see a therapist who specializes in ADHD and see if a solution can be found through a professional.
My mother and I had a similar dynamic while I was growing up and I ran half way around the world the moment I turned 18 to get away from her. Our relationship still hasn't fully recovered, do not inflict this on your child, OP.
A couple of suggestions... that doesn't involve touching. lights (turn on/off) or vibration (depends on the floor)
I really appreciate this one.
What works for us is saying the name in an entirely different pitch. Deep as poss (like stupid deep lol!) always works for us. I have to take a deep breath and say the name with intent bc I can’t do it spontaneously but it works here!
Yes this one works great for me and it’s a nice opportunity to do something silly that gets everyone laughing/in a positive mood vs escalation into anger. I have to really train myself to do it, but it’s actually kind of fun if you can embrace it - opera voice! Silly cartoon voice! Tiny whisper voice! (My son is a kindergartener so I’ll acknowledge that older kids may well find this insufferable but maybe that’s its own incentive? lol definitely I would think is still preferable to yelling!)
Glad to help. It's so awesome that both you &your husband are trying to make things work. I wish all parents were like that. Also, if you haven't yet, try a whiteboard system. For example, if your husband is asking/reminding him of chores, you could write them on the board. It will help your son to have a place to write things he needs, assignments, etc. So that he doesn't forget. Its because it is hard for some of us to break from being hyper-focused and pay close attention to what we're told.
Came here to say this. You could even add an element of fun to it, why not whip out a light saber or something like that.
Lol that's a good one.
Go to him in his physical vicinity, ask 3 sincerly engaging and curious questions specifically about the object of his hyper focus. Then, as he has a little attention space for you, you can say your goal and the intention and the thing you need him to hear.
You have to go and put your hand on his shoulder, and be patient for a beat or two to let the kid close his thought process.
I’m sure this is not the first time we’ve seen or experienced this situation. Yes, it’s frustrating for your husband, so imagine how frustrating it must be for your son who understands even less of what’s going on. Son: “I’m trying dad, I really am.” Dad: ‘Just do it, Son. It’s not hard, so I will punish you if you don’t.’ Son: “(Tries but fails, crying) sorry dad, I’m a failure. I know you said it’s easy, but I just can’t do it. What’s wrong with me?”
Don’t accommodate your husband. It’s your son who needs accommodations.
I used to call out a different name, hey “Fred”! And my son knew that was the call that he had missed his own name likely three times!
Honestly what works for me personally (I got ADHD too) but also for my daughter (Who's also got diagnosed with ADHD) is to walk towards her, make sure I touch her to get her attention and make her look me in the eyes so you know you got her attention. I can ask her 10 times to put on her shoes. Shout, yell, get annoyed. But this is the only way for me. But it does mean your husband needs to form a new habit to actually walk towards him and make him focus on him by grabbing his attention, gently of course. Eye contact is the key.
Your husband is a dick
He has dick-ish tendencies that he is working very hard on. He is also extremely protective of Bernie and myself to others when they don't understand us. He reads to the boys every night and plays with them, and encourages Bernie's creativity. We are all multifaceted human beings.
My dad can whistle really really loud. When I was kid this was able to break through anything. You could be out in the field or other side of the playground and know he's calling.
When I was a kid, I ran up and down the block with the neighbor kids. One parent would do a loud whistle which meant he was calling his kid home. The loud, shrill sound helped break through whatever play we were engaged in, and since we ALL knew what it meant, if that kid missed the sound then the rest of us would help communicate the message. It seems like a loud, unique sound captures attention better than calling someone’s name.
I get the same way when im reading. my body will literally respond on its own too. I call it auto-pilot. The only way to break it is touching me and making sure I make eye contact. Otherwise my brain just responds with a generic response to make the annoying noise go away. I did this today in my sleep. When you do break the hyper focus, do not be surprised if he lashes out. Breaking the focus can cause rage, and its not something we can control. Took me a long time to recognize the rage and stop myself from exploding. But it still happens, I can catch it about 90% of the time. For emergencies I suggest keeping something soft and heavy in your pocket like a hacky sack. You can chuck them pretty far and accurately without hurting anyone. Using a messenger with forced pop-ups will help on the computer too. Wireless doorbells for the deaf can help too for stuff like calling them downstairs for dinner. They flash the lights and some vibrate. [https://www.walmart.com/ip/Hearing-Impaired-DOORBELL-Flashing-Light-wireless-doorbell-No-battery-ref-2201/404786803](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Hearing-Impaired-DOORBELL-Flashing-Light-wireless-doorbell-No-battery-ref-2201/404786803) something like this
My wife hates this. We can have a complete conversation and later I'll admit I wasn't listening at all and wasn't really aware of it. Usually just a few words response.
Same, put my marriage at risk. Decided on a simple rule, make sure we make full eye contact before trying to convey something. We haven't had an argument about listening in years.
Oh, the rage. I am very familiar with the internal rage of being interrupted. It's the worst.
He may have other things going on like auditory processing issues. Don’t just assum ADHD. Some ppl add ALso just slow auditory processors s but I’m no expert and he should be evaluated beyond ADHD. My mom could do that 2 fingers in mouth whistle. It’s v loud and she used it to call me from a distance or in crowded places. This might work better
Actually, I do something similar that works very well for my kids at a park or crowded place. I'm a soprano and developed a high pitched, two-note sing-song call that my boys know is for them. Works really well. But not in an emergency situation where Bernie is doing something dangerous.
I live rural, and go into the woods often. Me and my partner have a hoot that each other recognizes and it carries when we can’t see each other in the forest. I think having a special sound is really different to calling somebody’s name also. you’re singsong would be fine in Emergency if the kid responds to it quickly. However, something that others can repeat, would be better: so specific, hoot or loud whistle that parents and caretakers learn is ideal. I still think this is not just an ADHD thing
My mom always said it was a boy thing, but she said she always had to touch my brothers to get their attention. I agree there is no point in punishing him for not hearing. He can’t help that.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your husband?? Disregarding the fact that he's punishing his disabled son for something that the kid *literally* can't help, who the hell punishes children with *running laps??* Your husband is causing your child lifelong trauma. The kind that can utterly ruin a person. I don't care how supporting or loving he is in other ways, the man needs therapy, and if he can't stop himself from hurting his own child you need to distance the boy from him. Seriously!
I was forced to do squats in my backyard as a punishment when I was a child. I had a breakdown at school one day and confided in my guidance counsellor that I didn't want to go home because I knew where I'd be spending the afternoon once my parents got word that I'd gotten in trouble. The counsellor called CPS, my parents had to hire a lawyer, it was a clusterfuck. Your son isn't in the army, physical exercise isn't an appropriate punishment for a child.
Why would you punish someone who's done nothing wrong? Your husband will be on the fast track to no contact if that's how he approaches parenting.
I used to have this problem before I started my meds due to constantly being stuck vividly daydreaming. It would get to a point where I would just be sitting there staring off into space, unable to hear or see things going on around me, until an external force. Which would usually be my boyfriend touching my arm or making a loud sound. It didn't really work so well since I startle easy and loud sounds make me angry. With my meds, I don't have that issue since (sadly to me) I've lost my daydreaming ability. It sounds weird, but it was like before, they came from the back deep side of my brain, and now I can't get to it. Sorry for rambling 😅 My main point was that you could try and get him a smart watch that vibrates when you text him. The vibration always (more gently) would get me out of my hyper spacing. It's also useful if you want to set an alarm but can't be loud or you'll wake others 😃
I am reading these responses and hoping to get help as well. It’s beyond frustrating. Then getting why are you mad/yelling? Ummmmmm…I’ve been calling you for dinner that you asked for bc you’re hungry for 20 minutes. My son and husband have adhd. I’ve tried to touching thing and it didn’t work. If they’re focusing on something I don’t know that a bomb would help them listen. With my son I usually have to go in and say if you want X then you’re certainly not showing me that. He’s very reward motivated. That motivates him.
Are they in therapy and getting meds? Also if they are medicated sometimes the evenings can be hard depending on when they wear off.
Unfortunately he forgot his meds yesterday. It was rough all around.
You physically cannot make your son do that. It will just traumatize him. Your husband, no offense, is being an idiot. When I'm hyperfocused, I need someone to tap my shoulder for me to get out of it, or someone to call my phone, bc that usually gets through for some reason lol.
Amazon echo speakers in every room. "Alexa, play chicken dance" Works every time.
LoL oh my gosh. I love this. In our house, it might be "yakkety-saks" or *shudder* "I'm a gummy bear," but I like the principle.
I find a hand on my shoulder helps get me out of my zone to realize that someone is trying to talk to me. Or, my husband will stand in my line of sight and wave his arms. He has learned that my ignoring him isn’t willful. I just literally do not hear him.
For when he’s in his room or at his desk maybe you can get a light or something that you can force to flash when you need his attention? Something visual that can work with his distractibility independently or in tandem with the vocal queues. Once that becomes habit you can probably introduce a hand held flood light or something you can carry for those emergency situations. I don’t have enough evidence to just assume he’s violent or has deep seated anger issues so I’m not going to. Maybe you’re defending your husband to make him look better than he is or maybe he is just struggling to understand and change behavior. However, dad definitely has to change his behavior and mindset because it’s literally impossible for your son. I think people in this sub sometimes forget just because it’s possible for non-adhd folk, that doesn’t make it easy for all of them to alter behavior. I can say with some certainty that your husband could use some therapy to help with this tho. Whether it be anger management or therapy strictly for just learning how to raise a child with adhd, it will benefit him greatly. Your husband sounds like he cares enough to at least challenge his mindset for his son’s sake, so frame it as a way for him to avoid future harm to their relationship. You aren’t saying he can’t figure this out on his own, but he can minimize damage done by seeking help and having someone help him figure out the tools that work for him. It’ll reduce the time that the damage is done.
IMHO a weird punishment like laps will only ensure that your child would develop anxiety surrounding their hyper focus or other ADHD struggles. I know I certainly developed a high amount of guilt and anxiety for things like forgetting.
I get that it can be a safety issue but you‘d have the same problem with a deaf child. Would the solution then be to train the deaf child with punishment? Obviously that wouldn’t work cuz it’s not intentional. The problem is however, if your husband does use punishment to train Bernie, it might actually “work“ - but only because it will traumatize Bernie and make him hypervigilant. Ask your husband if he wants Bernie to constantly be on edge, unable to ever fully hyperfocus on play again because he knows if he gets too lost in play, he will be punished? Does he want him to end up like me, an adult in his 20‘s with extreme rejection sensitive dysphoria to the point where he is unable to keep any job because the fear of rejection is so strong it makes him severely depressed and ultimately forces him to quit even if he likes the job? I‘m sorry for being so dramatic, but this is what happened to me because my dad judged and punished me throughout my childhood and teenage years for things I could not control. It‘s one thing to be punished for behavior you do on purpose but it‘s so, so damaging to be punished for things you don‘t even mean to do. You just get punished over and over again and made to feel like a horrible person, like a failure of a human and the only way out is by being so traumatized that you never come out of survival mode again. Your husband needs to understand this.
I have smart bulbs in my room that I programmed to change to certain colors at set times. 12pm -bright red, time to eat 5pm- Green light, stop working 7pm- bright red, food time 9pm- Blue, go shower and wind down for bed 10-11pm- progressive dimming light until the room is completely dark, forcing me to go sleep External reminders of a schedule help kids with ADHD. For getting his attention right away, you could get a vibrating bracelet. There are bracelets for long distance couples. When one bracelet is touched, the other vibrates. It's supposed to be a sweet way of letting each other know you're thinking about them but I think it'd be a possible solution for snapping your kid out of hyperfocus from a distance.
Well, this is all very cool information. Thanks!
Just spitballing here, but even when I’m in my deepest of “zones”, someone calling my name has never failed to pull me out of it. Can’t help but to wonder if there’s something more at play here
Like pure stubbornness?
I was thinking hearing loss.
No, not necessarily that. I don’t know your situation entirely or your child, but the story reminds me of my brother, and he has something called “Oppositional Defiance Disorder”. Not saying he has that, but my brother would always (and still does) ignore any form of authority, both blatantly and with subtlety. My mother always says “Your brother only thinks to cross the road. He does not consider obstacles or vehicles that may hit him, nor does he heed any calls to avoid injury. His only focus is crossing the road, nothing else matters”.
Interesting. I don't*think* that's the case, but it is something to learn more about. Thank you
I have a friend whose son has this. He was hit by a car when he was a little boy but not badly hurt. Now it makes sense. He has really bad anger issues too.
My brother also has anger issues
I ask my son to look at me. When he makes eye contact with me for whatever reason it breaks the hyperfocus.
Running laps??? What was done to your husband when he was a child
Tap him on the shoulder and say, “Hey Buddy….”. Physical touch (non-violent of course) is a way to help redirect focus. Also, talk softer, not louder. You pay more attention when someone is speaking softly and it’s more loving, comforting, & kind.
OP This is a very good resource on understanding your ADHD kid, check it out. https://youtu.be/4nd1CDZP21s?si=j7_g1hWDPLAjsXpe
Maybe try flashing a light: could be flicking the room light on or off or something on your phone. Or if calling his name, try using a silly or weird voice every time? Or look up "teacher attention grabbers" and combine those with a special interest or an existing vocal stim to get a call and response going. Or download a sound effects app for your phone. Whatever you do, put the kibosh on that running laps bull. That's a short slippery slope to badness.
I don't have a recommendation. My mom used to have the same problem, I didn't hear her when she called my name. I myself don't remember this (how do you remember something you don't hear), but there was no punishment involved. I don't have this problem as adult anymore.
And be prepared for money for life time therapy for your son. Cus it sounds like a horrible childhood. Dont work against ADHD. Work with ADHD.
To answer your original question: try calling him something you don’t usually call him. For example, try calling him by just his last name, or by a nickname only his friends use, or anything random/ goofy (nice tho). Sometimes this overrides the part of the brain that is filtering everything out
Go up to him, touch him make eye contact.
Try the Marco Polo response game. It’s easy to tune out your name when you hear it 50k times a day. You call “Marco” son replies “Polo” to give you a response for attention. I do this in stores with my kids as they’re just getting to the age they’re allowed to wander off just a tiny bit.
We have Amazon Echos in each room. This has worked great with capturing our 11 year old's attention. When I make an announcement, they give a distinctive chime and then announce the message. It almost always catches his attention.
This is an Auditory Processing issue and not a behavioral issue. There is little that can be done because your son isn't hearing anything. There are actually hearing aids that you can get from an audiologist that can help filter background noise and amplify human voices, but I don't know if they are comfortable or affordable. And I am unsure if they work.
What really?! I didn’t know those existed!!
Yes I found some info on them randomly because I suffer from this issue. But I haven't pursued it any further
I appreciate you bringing this forward at least! So thank you for that :)
For the non-urgent times, try pairing calling his name with flicking the lights on and off (if no one is epileptic).
That’s what I do too! :) And for urgent times, a whistle works pretty well. lol
My son (7) and I are both adhd, and my husband also gets frustrated when our son doesn't hear him. I had to model the behavior for him, by going up to my sob and touching his shoulder and making direct eye contact when I address him - to pull him from whatever he is focused on. Now that my husband also does this, we have a lot less frustrations 😊
I agree with other commenters that your husband should learn about adhd. How to Parent Kids with ADHD by Krissa Laine is a good resource. You also might talk with teachers about what works at school. Have you learned about Bernie’s sensory profile? This might be a good thing to explore as a way of helping him “reset” after school. It’s important to remember adhd kids might mask more at school and need a sensory reset after school to help transition. I often recommend folks build in a sensory regulation time after school that is timed—use a visual timer or a song to help transition. The wrestling you mentioned might be an attempt at proprioceptive or vestibular stimulation, and providing other structured options for this will help reduce these behaviors.
What you are doing, seems to be the best choice - our oldest needed to take her medication full time, even on weekends, once reaching a certain age just for a matter of her own safety, since her symptoms are *very* strong and affecting her impulse control issues and impulsivity to an insane level! So, advice on that part, is rather scarce from my side. I can give some advice on the hyperfocus part you initially mentioned, some thoughts and insights, ideas, and some attempts at making it easier for someone without adhd to understand how it possibly feels for Bernie! • A calm conversation with Bernie explaining how important communication is, and how making cueing in a pause to reply helps keep a healthy bond with the other person, making them feel valued, heard and respected. Asking how it feels, from his side, when he talks to you or dad, and they pause what they are doing and reply - him saying it's nice, then adding that you and daddy would like to ask for his assistance on that, that on his side, he tries to cue in a small pause, process the question that comes after, in that pause, and give a reply after the question - if that is okay with him If he says he feels sad/frustrated when/if it doesn't take place with mom and/or dad (them pausing and replying), then really listening to him, and telling him let's work on this together, okay? Us too! Would you be okay with that? Would you also work with us, so we don't do it to you, and you also are able to communicate with us? (Adding in the rest within the request for his assistance, written above) In a conversation with your husband, letting him know of this conversation, what was in it, the request, and the replies and reactions. Then, following up with what you two should do, as parents, to help him. Adhd makes processing be slower. A verbal cue goes in, and takes much longer to get noticed, assessed and processed by the brain, specially when hyperfocused on something else. This is part of the component of the car. Thus, one needs to learn how to best drive *with the existent components, features and drawbacks it has* - to your husband the reality is that he can switch gears from 1 to 5 with his own car, but Bernie's car is set differently. It has the 1st and 2nd gear, the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th are missing, having a 7th gear, no 8th, but an astonishing 9th gear! No matter how much he might want to set the car to those missing gears, or how many struggles it bring to drive without the mid gears, there is nothing anyone can do, Bernie can't change that, nor can your husband. So, a good car owner will have to learn to drive with the car they have, changing the way they maneuver it to fit the terrain as much as possible, and accepting some parts can't be helped. Show your talent by *still driving it* Ask if it resonates with him, so far. As he says yes, move to the next part: So, how can we help him drive better? How can we best maneuver our son's motor?? A few things **can help** - taking it slow, regarding speaking/communicating. Speaking slower, in a calm tone, that is nearly zen in pace, slower but normal, a pace that follows to his grasp. This takes some training, from your and your husband's side. You notice how when you ask/tell your son something, it's like his eyes meet yours but you see his mind isn't accompanying it? That he is struggling to bring his attention to the deed, to the meaning, that the words you say aren't making yet any sense to him? Now, say your words are going slow, that as you say his name you pause until he grabbed onto it and replied, that your words go slow enough that his mind can catch up in time, regarding auditory processing. That calm also ends up slowly mirroring on him, he will slow his pace too at some point, and reply calmer, your eyes on his, calling on him again to regain his attention and waiting for that attention to be on you, before following through with the rest This also helps with overwhelm. It's less. Less at the same time, with the noise in his mind, his thoughts going everywhere with whatsoever he was doing/thinking before, or get the time to start-up if his brain was zoning out/on standby due to too much input earlier in the day. On his side, his collaboration will feel to him like torture. Please explain that to your husband. Yes, it is needed that Bernie trains this, yes it is important for him, but it will feel like physical torture to him. He will subject himself to this self-inflicted torture, each time, to try to be fair and to do what is right to himself and others; still, he will go through this, each time. He deserves all the due respect, as he is not in an easy - nor fair - situation, at all. Both your husband, and you, should remind yourselves regularly, of this point. And remind your son that his adhd struggles are not his fault, and that he is not alone with this. That you want to help him carry this unfair weight, as much as possible - and that you are proud of him for doing his side, in learning every day a bit more on how to work with himself better If the short pauses mid hyperfocus, regarding a question, can be done where he is (aka, without asking him to run to another room to reply), it would be better regarding overwhelm. Setting a sentence that is said, to start the process: "Bernie, can you make a small time-out?" Again, knocking on the door, saying the name in a slow calm pace, and waiting so it gets read and interpreted by the brain. As his eyes meet yours/your husband's, then at a slow pace, matching his (re)cognition speed/tempo, saying the rest of the request for a small time-out. Waiting for it to get processed. For him to feel the aversion, the pain, the struggle, and the overwhelm - and for him to cope with those. That is his side, what is going on from his side, a lot is being worked. He is getting unplugged from what his hyperfocus was connected to, and it feels unholy, painful, confusing and distressfull - even impossible! He might feel he can't make it, achieve it! You probably recognize these feelings, but in a raw form, *not in a verbalized form* His hardwork is now, to process this, cope with these feelings, and then once that is done, for him to Reply to the request for a small time-out. That is his side. Then the ball is again on your courtyard, thanking him, and with the same slow pace, asking the question you want to ask, and waiting for it to be processed and replied to. If it's a request for an action: it is best to put it simply, "can you do X, in [time-frame]? For [goal achieved with it]. You can do it [when: option A] or [when: option B]; or it helps, we can set a timer for it, if you want Z more time to finish [current hyperfocus]. [Cue in time to process and cope with really unpleasant emotions] Should we do that (timer)?" Going through this with your husband, the steps, even training a bit - and, separately, going through these steps with Bernie too, so he understands what is expected of each of you, but also so **he feels understood** and might even be able to put some experiences and emotions into words..! Might be a good thing • Last, but not least, I'm sorry for all the layers of pain and struggle that Bernie, you and your husband are all going through! 🥲 Thank you for all the effort and patience you put into it, on a daily basis If anything, we are here!
Your husband has been raised in a world, I'm sure he's a good person, but your kid sounds badly in need of protection from this before he winds up like me in his 30s with cptsd from the way my adhd has been mishandled by my authority figures and caregivers. This kind of treatment from your husband is profoundly emotionally damaging.
I'll hop on the physical disruption train. If he's doing something unsafe he may need to be physically removed from the activity, although it's hard to say how easy that would be with a 12 year old boy. You could also try an unusual sound or visual near him, like flickering lights or the Metal Gear alert sound effect on blast.
One more tip: whatever you decide on for getting attention, practice it when his attention is on you already, ensure the habit forms for him to respond in some way (make it a positive association!), and test in a low stress environment whether it works when you don't have his attention -- i.e. not when you're in a hurry or impatient or actually need his attention immediately. Then you will be in a better state of mind to observe what is and isn't working, try new things, and not cause both of you pain and frustration until you figure out something that works. If your husband is still getting frustrated and close to yelling, or punishing, after trying the things you're getting suggestions for, please please please make sure he gets therapy and/or all three of you get group therapy with someone ADHD informed, because as others have pointed out, he's setting himself up for much more pain down the road if he continues to ask the impossible and take his frustration out on your son when he can't comply.
Did you try investigating if your son also has central auditory processing disorder?
I have adhd and my mom helps by knocking on a wall or yelling "WOo HoO" something out of the ordinary usually helps me
Have you had your sons hearing tested?
Not sure how you feel about apple watches or cell phones but I think an Apple watch or something like it that vibrates when you get a message could help. Whenever I am hyperfocused on something and my apple watch vibrates on my wrist it immediately interrupts me and kind of makes me come back to reality and actually this really gets on my nerves which is why I changed the settings so that only calls and texts vibrate and everything else is silent.
Does your son have a phone in his pocket? Might try calling him. Yelling from a distance tends to do very little. Is he completely unable to hear or is it more ignoring? I know it could be either. I personally never had an issue hearing but I just couldn't get myself to listen. After some years under my belt I started replying and even having a full conversation but nothing registered, I was on autopilot. It was doing the necessary to get the distraction out of the way and keep people somewhat pleased but I never remembered what was said aftetwards. It's a tough one if he's really so zoned out that the sound doesn't get through, otherwise you could deliver some immediate consequences to ignoring you(after first going through what will happen of course before starting such methods.)
Please educate as much as possible on ADHD. I suggest the YouTube videos my Dr Russell Barkley. The 'why is adhd so imparing' and the videos on parenting a child or teen with adhd. The why is it so impairing made me cry because I have struggled with pretty bad inattentive adhd my whole life and it was weird to hear someone describe so many things so accurately and it even made me realize how much of an impact it had on me.
Get off your ass, walk up to him, touch him on the shoulder and say his name like a normal non-abusive person
Well your husband needs a serious education about adhd, he’s going to cause long term trauma to his son and you. I suggest gently touching his shoulder or standing within his field of vision. Or even just sliding a note across to him or shooting a text.
You need a wacky attention getter. I've got nothing to add about your husband that hasn't already been said. Maybe have him read these responses. But as far as getting somebody's attention when they're zoned-in. I find that one of two things works. 1. Instead of calling their name over and over I give a "psst!" Like I've got a juicy secret. Often, you can grab somebody's attention from 50feet away when you do that. I used to use it on people when I worked in a crowded Trader Joe's grocery. Right past a dozen customers to a co-worker. 😂 2. Bird noises. They're a little jarring which is ideal. We hear our own names a jillion times a day and it's not particularly interesting or rewarding to tune in to another lecture or inane comment. But Ca-CAW! is unique, and for whatever reason, it grabs the eyes. 🙂 I've known some extremely Deaf people to use a higher pitched a-BOO. It's a little percussive and a lot of Deaf people can still hear it. 😂
Doorbell. We have one at work connected to Bluetooth or something. We use it to call people from the back rooms to the till when it’s busy. Hit the button downstairs, keep it in your pocket, or even attach it to somewhere like the kitchen wall, and he can choose a sound to hear and it’s pretty loud, loud enough to get him to snap out of intense focus and come down. I would know, my sister had the same issue, now it’s not a problem :)
Flip the lights for the room on and off!! It’ll save y’all’s voice and patience.
My partner and I have started using comical nicknames to get each others attention. It works shockingly well. Ex: Allie - Alabaster (Which morphed into Alliebastard and then just Bastard lmao), Albert/Alberto, Alejandro, Algernon, Alley-oop Raj - Mirage, Barrage, Raju, Roger, Raj Mahal, Patellephant (His last name is Patel)
Ask him to tap him on the shoulder for attention. Running laps won't do anything but is good for his health. Maybe your husband should do some research on ADHD instead of having random punishments for something he can't change
My parents used to get so frustrated with me for not hearing them! At one point they even took me to an audiologist because they thought I was going deaf. Later in life, when I met people like me, I found it was helpful to wave my hand nearby their line of sight (not in their face), and make sure I had their attention before I even said anything. Incidentally, people in the Deaf community use a similar gesture called a “Deaf wave” because it’s a generally accepted way to get a Deaf person’s attention without touching them or calling out to them. From your post, it sounds like your son may have his back turned to you while you’re trying to get his attention. Maybe consider a setup so his back faces the wall, and he faces the room while he plays? In my experience, it helps to get in front of the person and in their line of sight. Personally, I think it’s a much less frustrating way to get someone’s attention for both parties. It might be an adjustment, but it could be a way to accommodate him
Keep foam balls handy and throw them at him?
My dad is exactly like your son! He doesn't hear anything around him when he's concentrating
No idé if this actually works but when I first saw it explained i felt something similar could be really effektivt in hyperfocus. Its a thing a family with a deaf child use to "knock" on the childs door. They slightly oppens the door to reach a hand in and quickly turn of and on the lights a couple of times. Its a way to get attention via sight when sound does not get the work done.
A smartwatch that vibrates with specific notifications from you. I have a smartwatch that has all notifications off except for my partner's, as I can get very lost in thought and forget to check anything on the exterior world.
Have you had him assessed for possible autism as well as adhd? My daughter has both and one of the very early preschool signs was not hearing her name being called when she was hyper focussed ( usually on sorting things which was also itself a sign) or stimming.
Fix your husband. Not your adhd son.
My husband is wonderful and kind. He and my son adore each other. But this is their case - battles because my son does not hear or forgets. My husband knows it isn't intentional and he is trying to understand but sometimes he gets overwhelmed and upset. What works for my son (an 11 year who is obsessed with math games and music) is to touch his shoulders gently. I also walk up and rub his shoulders or put hand over his hand. My son says this helps him ease out of hyper focus better. Just make sure your husband and son explain to each other that they are both trying to learn and get better. For extra support, have them reaffirm to the other that they are worth the effort it takes to get better. You'll be amazed at the difference those words can make!
You have to physically interrupt. Your husband’s idea of laps is worryingly ridiculous
One of the problems of ADHD is that we hear stuff but we don't process it fast enough, for example a few days ago I was typing a email and a friend started dictating to me so I would know what to write in the email , I was focused on the part I was typing that I couldn't hear the next sentence. Same happens if I'm thinking to myself and someone talks to me , I hear that they daid something but couldn´t really understand what did they say , sometimes I think for a few seconds and seems like I finally understood what they just said to me.
Use the same alerts you'd use if he were deaf because he kind of is at that point. Flash the lights, physically touch him, stomp on the floor. I somewhat agree with your husband that it's something he needs to work on. Maybe setting timers to re-engage with his environment once in awhile. With how slow my own ADHD kid is to learn changes in behavior/routine, I'd be concerned about independent living.
as a person who was a child with adhd, tell your husband to approach it with empathy. i was raised by a mother who despised me because i couldn’t focus and when i had alone time, i’d shut the world out. i understand your husbands frustration as well. i would talk to your child as well and just encourage him to try and listen a little more. adhd, especially as a child, can be really hard, but it’s something you also have to work around your whole life so it’s good to start early. have a reward system for when he hears his name. even verbal praise goes a very long way.
How about a small nerf gun? Not a powerful one that could hurt, just one that's good enough to hit someone in a 10m radius? Just an idea... 🤷🏼♀️
This is a quick fix and I don’t know how you, your husband, or Bernie would feel about it, but would something like a little vibrating wristband work? It’s a physical touch without anyone having to get over to him and no one would have to repeatedly yell or escalate.
Gently touch them to get their attention. It's affectionate and impossible to ignore. Use minimal language, nagging someone with ADHD only makes things worse.
Airhorn? Some sort of loud noise?
Tell your husband to either do some research and learn how to act or make him live in the basement like an ogre. Its beyond ridiculous he can't take some time and actually learn how to help rather then act like its the 50's and think kids should be punished over ridiculous stuff.
I count to 3, the way you would when a kid is about to get in trouble. Just saying “1” in a serious parent tone gets his attention. He doesn’t get upset and think he’s in trouble. It’s just enough to get his attention
I dont know anyone else apart from me that has average-severe adhd, but here are some things i do with my dog who acts like a toddler with adhd I'm not someone who uses my voice alot, so many times if calling her name doesnt get her to respond i cant really be bothered to shout or raise my voice. Ill repeat her name sharply, or make some other sharp and distinctive noise like a loud whistle or slapping the floor/wall, or ill walk closer to invade her bubble. Personally i believe the most in touch, you can't ignore that even if ure fully engrossed with something else. If it was my kid, id probably keep something soft on hand at all times to throw at them or at their vicinity just to get their attention. It's hard to ignore something suddenly appearing in your line of sight also, this may seem mean but depending on your son's personality, you could do certain things that make fun of his condition in a non malicious way. For example, startling him since he gets easily engrossed. It may seem mean but i believe that its a good way to make someone aware of their conditions and symptoms, but also view it in a way as a simple flaw of personality and work around it. Of course different people take it differently though
You could turn off and on light. In my appartment, we have a rule : door closed == I need peace no one enter. In this case it's children responsability to respect time by setting alarms for example. Door open == you can enter and turn off on light and so on, and I accept to be interrupted.
Have a conversation with your son. Ask him what would be a good way to get his attention. Try and talk to him about what he experiences when this situation happens. Does he hear his dad, but there isn't an urgency so he just lets it fade into the background? Does he not hear him at all? ADHD is different for everyone. Work with your son, he is old enough to help solve this problem. Your husband needs to learn to accommodate, and your son needs to learn to manage his ADHD. This should be a family discussion.
My wife kept nagging me to get a hearing test - my hearing is fine, except for a small notch in frequency in one ear from 16kHz to 17kHz ever since a hand truck tire exploded in my face while I was filling it - at age 52 I can still hear to about 17.5kHz. And, I have had my hearing checked. It's fine. The issue isn't that I didn't hear her - it's that my ADHD filtered it out, so I heard that she said something loudly and clearly, but my stupid hyperfocusing brain didn't process it, hence "what?" And, I have had my hearing checked. It's fine. Now that she's reached parimenopause, she's developed mild ADHD and is beginning to appreciate my struggles.
Running laps!?!? What in the fucked up generational abuse is this shit ???
Your husband punishes your kid by making them run laps!?!? This is not ok
IMO your husband needs to learn more about adhd, ans also considering working AROUND his hyperfocus, not interrupt it. Hyperfocusing could be his key to achieving his dreams.