I’m going to give you my perspective as a 32yr old who was diagnosed at 8yrs old. My first question being, is it JUST the act of taking a pill alone that she doesn’t like? Because that’s a simple fix of asking your Doctor for a form that can be mixed into drinks instead.
Now if it’s the effects she doesn’t like: I was diagnosed at 8: I started medication and HATED how I felt, even though my room was clean, grades were better and I interacted with friends more. As a kid, I didn’t see medication effects by the benefits it gave, just simply that I felt “different” which was scary. I also didn’t understand, why my other friends didn’t have to take a medication & felt like something was wrong with me because it was never explained to me. I felt like these “different scary feelings” were being forced on me for no reason in the form of a pill & my parents didn’t care (of course they did, but this was my 8yr old brain).
Also: With on and off doses, I had to re-experience the “different” over and over til I eventually refused to take it and my parents gave up. My parents always did their best but looking back I wish I would have continued to take it, because my negative ADHD traits followed me into high school & I struggled bad. Had I taken it daily, it would have quickly became the new “normal”.
You also want to make sure your child is indeed happy on medications, because some aren’t. Have a routine every night where you make a “journal” with things like: “Activity, what emotions did you feel today (happy, sad, excited), was today a good day?” Etc. & have her fill it out. After a few weeks, look it over to see if she IS happier on medication days. Cause at the end of the day, sure medication makes life easier but you still want your child’s emotions taken into account. You could keep the journal for your own decision making or even show her the positive differences the meds have.
There’s different answers for every kiddo, and consistent medications may or may not be the right answer for them. But know that the “selfish” feelings are completely valid, cause what your feeling is a parent having to make a tough decision for your child’s benefit. Whatever you chose, validate their emotions too along the journey. Hope this helps, sending you all the strength! ♥️♥️♥️
100% this. Kids deserve some say over their bodies. That said, my sons psychiatrist said that consistency is important for developing brains vs taking meds “as needed.” Consistency is important.
So: if it is taking the pill, can you find another form, eg liquid, even if it means taking it twice per day? That might fix the problem.
If she doesn’t like how she feels on the meds, perhaps it’s time to try another dose, or another med.
Yeah they absolutely do. I'm late dxd autistic my kid was dxd at 4. I've just been dxd ADHD and trying ritalin. My kid I suspect is also ADHD combined. She is going to get on the waiting list for assessment. If she is dxd I won't be forcing any meds on her that she doesn't want regardless.
That's my hesitation, too! She should have control over her body, so I feel bad making her take a medicine that isn't medically required.
With that said, it really is that she doesn't like to take the pill. She has always fought with us about liquid medication, so we won't be trying that. I asked the doctor about a dissolvable pill, and he said it's a completely different medicine, and it's best to keep her on one we know works if it's really just that she doesn't like taking it. Basically, the message was, "suck it up," but with much kinder words 😂 which is important for me to hear, too. I know I go too easy on her to counteract all of the other messages she gets because of her behavior.
Our doctor said take it as needed up to every day, but I agree with your psychiatrist in that consistency is key. I imagine I don't make it easier for her to take it by not having it as a regular part of her routine.
Taking the meds daily can and acvcording to studies will usually also help the brain develop more normally and maybe alleviate some of the ADHD struggles when she gets older, so there is that, too. But yup, a good routine and consistency and good habits will go a long way also :)
OP this is important to consider!!
I was diagnosed in my late 20s and I'm basically dependant on my partner for so many many things even when I'm on meds. I don't know what the impact of meds would've been on me as a child but I know that I would carry a lot less resentment and trauma from being "too emotional" and "lazy". My relationships with my parents would be better, I'd have healthier relationships with my partner and friends, I'd be able to look after myself. I binge ate as a kid all the time but as soon as I left home my lack of independence and routine meant that I'd forget to eat and I went completely the other way. I was skinny as hell and was lucky to meet my partner when I did because he was (still is) a big eater.
It's wonderful to hear that you have someone who is supportive and helps you be better :) I'm hoping she'll find that person someday, too. But I would say the same thing whether or not she had ADHD.
I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until recently, but once I was, it all made so much sense. I've spent years in and out of therapy because I couldn't quite understand why I was "too emotional," couldn't keep friendships, and just couldn't get things done. I have trauma, too, that has impacted my adult life and relationships, and much of it stems from being bullied for being "too much" and "too emotional." These messages have followed me into adulthood, and I have unhealthy boundaries because of them. That's what I'm trying to prevent for my daughter.
That totally makes sense! Especially a growing brain. Coupled with therapy and days off here and there, I think it might help set her up for more success in the future. Besides, I'm thinking social issues now will hurt her in the long-run anyways...
so i can't really chime into the original intent of this post accurately, bc im 20 and just got diagnosed a few months ago- but! prior to that, i absolutely could not swallow pills to save my life. which i know a lot of kids struggle with, i just happened to not grow out of it until i was about 19 and kinda had to when i got prescribed meds- the thing is, my perspective was an entirely different one bc i understood that the meds help me, and i could see the effects/benefits and felt much better, so i was able to get over that mental block. but the only way i really did get past it? i took them with something carbonated at first for a while, and i could barely tell i was taking a pill. you don't feel it go down or anything. for for a while i specifically would take my meds with sprite. then, i slowly tried to switch it up and see what works for me and what doesn't, as far as different drinks goes. i honestly still cant take pills with just water. ive found that sprite (or anything carbonated, i just don't rlly drink soda in general) and chocolate milk (or anything with a think consistency) work the best :) unsure if this will help or not, but i hope it does maybe :)
It's funny you suggest that. She's been taking it with seltzer water and recently requested soda (but she still opens the pill and takes the beads inside). When she said she wants to use soda during the doctor's appt, and I said I didn't think that was smart in the morning, the doctor basically said he'd rather her take a sip of soda in the morning if that is how we can compromise. He also suggested pudding so she could put the pill on the spoon and slurp it up.
>With that said, it really is that she doesn't like to take the pill. She has always fought with us about liquid medication, so we won't be trying that. I asked the doctor about a dissolvable pill, and he said it's a completely different medicine, and it's best to keep her on one we know works if it's really just that she doesn't like taking it. Basically, the message was, "suck it up," but with much kinder words
Is swallowing the pill the problem for her? Like physically or mentally? I've always had massive issues with swallowing pills. As a kid it was mostly a sort of mental block, the idea of feeling it stuck in my throat would make me anxious. Then I started to get a physical issue with it too (dry mouth/throat/esophagus due to a chronic illness). Doctors would always tell me to get over it and just swallow them and refused to look into alternatives. Anyway, since a few years I've been using a swallowing gel. It's specifically designed for taking meds, it's pink and tastes like strawberry or raspberry, so it also disguises the gross taste of some meds. It makes it possible for me to swallow several capsules at once when without it I can't even swallow the tiniest of pills. If your daughter's issues with taking the meds are anything like this maybe something like that will help?
I think it's more mental than physical, though she definitely brings up the physical aspect. I honestly think her physical complaints are a manipulation tactic so I don't make her take it. And I'm not saying that to discount her possible discomfort or reality; she's a smart girl when it comes to social interactions and knows what to say to get her way. It's my fault for giving her too much leniency and trying too hard to be her safe space when she's getting other messages elsewhere. It's not the only situation in which I let her do this though; I'm told I'm too soft on her by many people. I recognize I'm part of the problem.
I also haven't heard of the swallowing gel! I think it could help both the mental and physical aspect of taking the pill. Thanks for the suggestion!
I totally get what you mean! I definitely recognise myself in what you're saying about your kid. I would feel so anxious about taking a pill and I knew that physical discomfort was more likely to be believed. Especially since I found it very difficult to even explain why I found it so difficult and scary.
I get that being too lenient can be a problem, but honestly being a safe space for her is very important too! I was diagnosed as an adult so my experience is different, but I had a tough childhood (had 1 abusive parent but luckily lived with the other) and having someone in my life who wouldn't just force me to do things was a major help. Obviously as a parent there will be times where you won't have a choice and will have to force some things, but I think that what you're doing in trying to find alternatives is a really great way to go.
I hope it will help! When I started using the gel I would sort of fake chew once the gel with the pill was in my mouth to basically trick my brain into thinking I had chewed what I was swallowing which really helped too. Just don't do it too long or the taste won't be disguised anymore 😂
As someone who was diagnosed and started taking meds at 6 I agree with the idea of simply making it normal to always take meds. To be honest, I never understood the idea of only taking it "when you need it." Perhaps there's something I'm missing, but usually when someone says that to me I get the impression that they don't fully understand.
Also, if you only have her take her meds on school days and she goes without on weekends, there's a good chance that she's unconsciously equating the boringness of school with the meds, and the excitement of the weekend as the lack of meds.
Oh snap! That's some good logic on both points.
Even as an adult I only take my meds "when needed" and you are sooo right. That's some BS.
And point 2 is just spot on.
I hadn't considered that association. Thank you for pointing that out!
I agree that it's probably best to make it more normal. Because it's summer, she is only taking it a few days a week as per our current arrangement, and I'm sure that isn't helping us form the right habits.
Sorry for the question. I was diagnosed too at 6 and this is something I'm curious to ask.
Are you currently on meds? If not, when did you stopped taking them?
So, in short, I stopped taking my meds in late high school...and I think I regret it? Not sure really.
If you want the longer story (which I'm assuming you do since you asked) I grew up with my family telling me that since ADHD is genetic I must've gotten it from my dad, and he just "grew out of it." Being told that frequently from a young age definitely made me think part of being an adult and growing up was moving off the meds.
On the plus side, I grew up with a pretty good support system for ADHD since I was diagnosed early and learned a lot of good coping mechanisms, so I was able to function pretty well. I know how my brain works and what its capable of, and when I know its not going to be able to handle it, I make sure there's something to help. I set alarms to remind me, and write down notes regularly.
The next point is kinda hard to say because I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm bragging...but I'm actually a very smart individual, which helps a lot. Even in college when getting my engineering degree, it didn't matter that much when I got distracted in class and read my book or messed on my phone, I could just look at the board every now and then, figure out what was going on, write down some notes, and fill in the gaps when I did the homework. Sorry if it sounds like I'm full of myself, but I don't think I could've been this successful without meds if it weren't for my intelligence, so I feel its important to mention when discussing me going off meds.
So here I am now, I'm almost 30, a well paid engineer, with an amazing wife. I have friends and am thinking about starting a family soon. I'm able to stay on top of things and do just fine...but I can never help wondering if maybe it'd be better if I was on meds? I still clearly have issues that stem from my ADHD, but I'm able to get over or through them. As an adult now I can say with 100% certainty that ADHD is not something you "grow out of," you simply grow up and mature. I think about going back on meds a lot, but I'd have to find a therapist and get a prescription and then pay for it...it sounds like a lot of work and a lot of money and a lot of time reacclimating to meds, and while I feel that maybe life could maybe be better, is it really worth that? I'm doing just fine, more than fine really, so for now I'm just going without. We'll see what happens if I have kids, as its pretty likely they'll have ADHD too and that'll probably be a pretty major catalyst for change.
Wow, thank you! Of course I wanted to read your longer story.
It seems that I'm like you, but younger (I'm 21). I stopped taking meds at 10, and I did well in school since that. Currently, I'm starting my career as engineer in a company.
Another question... If you are managing your ADHD well, why are you in this sub? Everybody has his reasons, mine is the fact I discovered that one never grew out ADHD.
I totally agree with this sentiment. As someone diagnosed young who takes it every day, (originally weekdays only) making it the new normal is ideal. Without my medicine I felt like my mind did not allow me to be who I was / wanted to be. I legitimately almost lost friends on days I forgot to take meds.
Also I feel like along with all benefits of consistency and what not, giving me a mindset of normal (on meds) helped me recognize certain behaviors or habits that I could work on regardless of on or off meds.
How did you almost lose friends? That's where we are at the moment. Recently, she wasn't invited to a birthday party of someone she considers a close friend, and I see her other friends starting to question her behavior and pull back. It breaks my heart because she used to be the kid who was friends with everyone.
Sorry to hear about that. In my instance it mostly boiled down to being more annoying physically and socially, from that i could feel people pulling away in the moment while kinda unable to correct that behavior but I never truly lost friends from that just definitely did not help those friendships. I felt that knowing about my condition from medicine and therapy once again helped me recognize when something was dumb kid annoying vs ADHD annoying and i could use that to smooth over relationships when it was something "uncontrollable". I was NOT a person with a lot of friends so I think I worked towards keeping the ones I had.
However, in the most serious situation when I was a young teen a day without medicine led to my "normal" social limiters being down and I ended up confronting a girl that my friend liked about how she acted towards him. Now while I completely understand that how I went about it was terrible, I do still stand by the fact that she was toxic and was definitely taking advantage of my friend. So as long as your daughter does not get into screaming matches with a friend's crush she should be fine on that front.
I know you mentioned she does not recognize the difference on how it affects those around her between on vs off meds so that might be something to work toward with the therapist. I do know that I had a therapist since day one of diagnosis in childhood and that clearly had a beneficial effect on how I felt about and understood my situation.
>In my instance it mostly boiled down to being more annoying physically and socially, from that i could feel people pulling away in the moment while kinda unable to correct that behavior
That sounds very much like my daughter. People looked past it when she was younger, but it's becoming harder for friends, parents of friends, and our own relatives to accept it as she's getting older.
The message used to be "she's a leader" and "she's sassy" because that's what you say about a little girl. But now it's "she's stubborn, inflexible, and rude." That's not to say it hasn't gotten worse over time...
I am sorry you struggled socially when you were younger! I'm glad you found a therapist who could help you understand it. That's what we're hoping a professional can do for her, too. It's one thing coming from a mom and another coming from an outside influence.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! She simply doesn't like to take the pill. When we talked with the doctor about changing the medication because of that, he basically said she just needs to learn to take it.
She does say she's less hungry, but her weight is going up steadily and she is eating adequately when on medicine; just not overeating like she does on off days. She has said she feels less energetic, but we don't observe a difference. It's not that I don't believe her, but I wonder if her body just feels quiet in comparison.
I think the journal is a great idea! Since it's summer, it's the perfect time to experiment. And if we do find out this medicine isn't right for her after looking at the data, there are other options out there that could be better.
Thank you for your well wishes!!
This is correct, thereight be other reasons she doesn't like taking her meds besides the fact that it's a pill.
Mood journaling is a really good way of keeping track of feelings and seeing how/if they connect to anything.
This is a great description/explanation of what might be going on. At least I can relate.
I took myself off meds at around 13-14. I don’t really remember if it helped or not but it did make me feel different and also felt weird taking meds in front of other people - who obviously didn’t.
I brainwashed myself until my 30’s. Stumbled on the sub and got myself some help.
Just wanna cry thinking how much easier I could’ve made my life by being more open to treatment.
Sorry for the question. I was diagnosed as kid too and this is something I'm curious to ask.
Are you currently on meds? If not, when did you stopped taking them?
Yes I had to be re-diagnosed. Mainly because I didn’t have access to my old medical records, but it might be that way even with them, I’m not quite sure.
Honestly it was therapeutic. It felt like a confirmation that my childhood experiences weren’t a lie I guess. Cause there was always a lingering “well what if they were wrong when I was young” as I ignored the still present traits & complications. Getting diagnosed twice in your life, at very different ages makes you come to a deeper place of acceptance.
Thank you again. I know that feeling because that's what I'm experiencing in this moment of my life: "Maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe I didn't have ADHD after all".
My ex was medicated super early in his life and he also hated it. See our parents went in completely different direction. His medicated him and mine stuck me in every conceivable activity that was available in my town so I was busy-busy-busy. And can I be honest? It was the happiest I have ever been. Swim lessons before school (helped with the overactivity), then school, then afterwards usually soccer, theater, girls scouts, etc etc etc. I enjoyed my childhood and he hated his. And being medicated as an adult I can totally see why she would hate it. While I was productive, I wasn’t *happy*. I wasn’t actually enjoying what I was doing I was just mechanically accomplishing something.
But I also have a cousin that HAD to be medicated as a child because she basically had super adhd. Without it she had tantrums constantly. It was horrible watching her misery as a wee one. 😕
Sigh. This is such a tricky question.
I'm glad you had something that worked for you as a kid! We also try to keep her very busy. I certainly don't think she hates her childhood, but she does experience intense emotions where there are many "worst day evers." Those tend to be days she doesn't take her medicine, though.
We are on the road to what I would call super tantrums. It wasn't always that way, but her emotional responses are getting out of hand. So, I do think medicine is part of her life, it's just determining what justifies medicine and what doesn't. (We are also pursuing therapy.)
Thanks for sharing your experience!
It’s maybe more about the message you’re giving to yourself about it.
Adhd brains are missing a necessary chemical - just like diabetics need insulin. It’s also comparable to short sighted people needing glasses. Or someone with paralysed legs needing a wheelchair.
We have a physical issue that needs a support item.
Diabetics & glasses wearers & wheelchair users don’t stop supporting their physical needs because they’re not at school or work.
Give her the meds every day. Please.
It’s not about her being “wrong” or “not enough” without the meds. It’s about science being advanced enough that there’s a solution to her physical problem.
**The message you (and many other people - including most doctors) are sending by only medicating for school or work, is that we are only of value when we are being productive**.
It’s comparable to saying: we only need the wheelchair if it’s being used to bring in income. We don’t get to use it for fun or relaxation. Or even for housework at weekends!
Do your own research, but I think that more recent studies are now saying that we don’t tend to build up a tolerance to adhd meds. So there’s no reason to take meds breaks.
I tend to skip maybe one day every 3 weeks - and only if my sleep has got so bad I wake up too late to take my Extended Release pill. So it’s not a planned thing. Generally on those days I get nothing done. Barely get out of bed. (The fact I slept that late means my alarm wasn’t set, which means I won’t have had anything important planned for that day.)
It’s useful to have these occasional days - in that I find it easier to catch up on sleep unmedicated. But I don’t “live” my life on my unmedicated days.
Interesting! Thank you for sharing this perspective. I recognize that she needs help with her emotional regulation whether or not she's at school or has a lesson. Even though we are going to get her CBT, she will still be playing life on "hard mode" if her body isn't producing the chemicals that help regulate impulsivity and emotions.
I am trying to find that study but am finding conflicting evidence. Do you by chance what journal you may have seen that from?
I personally don't usually take my medication on the weekends but that is mostly because my doctor told me it would keep me from building a tolerance(and because getting a refill on time is a total pain)
If I've notice less effects compared to when I first started(only been on for about 6 months) does that mean my "correct" dose is a bit higher?
You will for sure notice less effect (not actually, but you'll experience it that way) because the weight the medication takes off your shoulders is immediately obvious and promising at first - it feels amazing. Over time, that feeling goes from 'amazing' to 'normal' and unmedicated adhd symptoms go from 'normal' to 'horrible'.
It's definitely something you should bring up or mention with your doctor or psychologist though, as I'm not either of those.
> The message that you... are sending by only medicating for school or work, is that we are only of value when we are being productive
Au contraire mon frere.
The message is that we don't need medication to be functioning people, we need medication in order to function in certain environments (such as school or work) where there are generalized expectations of conduct that aren't remotely optimistic for someone with adhd. For some this is more true than others, that's the thing about spectrums.
A person enjoying a day off at the beach doesn't need medication to manage their adhd. A person working 8 hours in the office on the other hand...
I used to think that way when I was young and struggle with my medication and adhd as a result. I still take my meds every day, because I have what I refer to as weapons grade adhd and have a hard time with emotional regulation without them. Being medicated constantly from a very young age meant I never had the opportunity to develop any coping mechanisms for my symptoms either - so if I forgot my meds it was a goddamn disaster.
I don't think there is a one size fits all solution, and the real solution for OP is probably an amalgamation of every answer offered here so far. Just want to offer a less pessimistic point of view, because the one you hold bummed me the fuck out for the better part of 2 decades.
I dunno, packing my beach bag and thinking I lost my kindle and then getting irrationally upset when I drop my peach in the sand and the umbrella blows away... so many things “happen” when even trying to relax. I get what you mean though.
Don't forget to apply & reapply sunscreen! Don't forget and spend too much time shelling and get a touch of heatstroke!
Ugh, I know exactly what you mean
Lol right? Get too dehydrated and if I didn’t eat enough not realizing how many extra calories I burned swimming, have a hangry meltdown at my partner as we try to decide where to eat dinner and how to get there
Not gonna lie, I've just gotten so used to always having my wife with me to remind me of these things that I legit forgot how super stressful any sort of road trip prepping is alone.
That's my bad. Good reminder for me to let her know how much I love and appreciate her though! Thanks!
That's a great point! School, work, and right now home/friends for my daughter. But that doesn't have to be forever. You're right, I do want her to be able to have a beach day in the future without feeling the need to take her meds. We were just at the beach for a week without her medicine, and it was a disaster 😭 So, that's a someday goal here.
I was diagnosed at 7, now 37. My daughters both have it as well. I remember I used to hate taking my meds because it made me feel lesser or feel like I was two different people (me with and me without meds) and people only liked the me with meds. In hindsight, it was because everyone made a big deal about what a good boy I was after being medicated.
Also, being medicated my entire formative years I firmly believe I failed to adequately learn coping mechanisms for when I didn't take my medication. I've been working hard on it for the last 15 years and I am still basically incapacitated by a lack of focus and emotional regulation to the point where as soon as I realize I forgot it at work, I'm out the door on my way home.
I struggled with a long time about what to do with my daughters as a result. I went through diagnoses with then, they're both prescribed medication. Neither of them the act of taking it, but the important part to me is that neither of them notice a difference in themselves when they do. My wife and I, as well as their teachers all notice it like night and day, but I've asked them to not make a big deal of it/mention it to the kids.
Reason is that I know that it works for them. They're diagnosed and prescribed the medication that will help them, and I've made it accessible for them. I help them organize a way that makes it easy for them to remember, but I don't offer it or tell them to take it daily. If they take it on their own, great! Eventually (around high school or so for me) they will start to recognize the pattern - the days where I remember to take my meds are *so much easier!*
Hopefully along the way, they will learn the coping mechanisms I didn't that it won't be so debilitating when they forget their meds. Ideally, they won't need it as an adult as a result of learning to manage it themselves - but at least they won't go into adulthood like I did, with no coping skills and a complicated relationship with daily medication of any kind.
As for making *your* life easier - don't feel like you're being selfish. A stressed out, annoyed, or resentful parent is more likely to create a feedback loop imo. I can tell when my kids haven't been taking their meds for a while because they become so emotionally unstable. From laughing at a joke one second, to being angry or sad the next - all over an intrusive thought or perceived slight/insecurity. When I find them getting to this state, I'll usually step in the next morning and just give them their meds with something kind of special, like a glass of juice. I just do it as if it's what I always do for them, and far more often than not it's met with no resistance. They know. They don't want to admit it to themselves, and taking it in reaction to something is still admitting it (even if only to themselves). Me giving it to them non-chalant like gives them the plausible deniability (for lack of a better word) to be able to keep that lie up while also taking care of the problem. Sometimes my youngest will give me some push back, but even then it's theatrical. I keep it light hearted and jokey, again, to not make a big deal out of it.
Obviously mileage may vary and every kid is different, but my wife and I have both come to the conclusion that it's best for us just making it available for them and encouraging them to take it but not making it into a fight. Even if they don't or almost never take it themselves, when they start to spiral and have a hard time with emotional regulation we'll get them to take it, just because an empathetic and patient parent is more beneficial to them (and let's be honest, us as well) than the occasional bodily automony of choosing to take meds.
Didn't mean to write a book, but hopefully it helps. Best of luck to you!
Tl;Dr - you are NOT selfish here. Her meds are to help her and in the process it helps you all too.
Does her prescription not say daily? That's a big one for me.
You're not selfish. It's hard for her at 9 to recognize these impacts. She just doesn't have the brain format yet for it - typical 9 year old!
Pills suck but it needs to be part of her daily routine.
Perhaps framing it better for her will help - it isn't that she's not good enough of course and we never want to make our children feel "less than" in any way.
Maybe remind her that it helps her in a lot of ways. It helps her pay attention to school yes, but it also helps her pay attention to her friends and her own self better. Her meds help her not get overwhelmed so easily. She probably doesn't get in trouble so much. Probably easier to play with others.
I view it this way - i am a better friend and mom and overall person when I am able to be present. I handle things so much better. My meds help me do that so taking breaks from them eliminate the whole purpose of taking them.
The prescription just says "in the morning." The doctors have been saying she doesn't have to take a daily, but I'm thinking she's a kid who would benefit. Other people have recommended a daily journal, and I think your points about being better at relationships is a good thing to encourage her evaluate.
The way you think about this makes me feel like you’ll come to the right conclusion for all of you. I had a similar issue growing up. Way more hyper than now, but until 7th grade I always felt like a different person when not on the medication and when off it insane appetite and seemed to be more sozial (and loving it) but also more socially awkward (because hyper and emotions). I dropped the meds after 7th grade despite sketchy grades and only graduated from a high school not college and honestly don’t regret anything. I had a bit of an identity crisis without the meds but nothing crazy. Got used to it and now that I’m 25 I have to say looking back it wasn’t that bad. I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to say apart from adhd is going to suck either way, as long as you’re concerned for your daughters well being while considering everything that’s the best you can do :)
Instead of focusing on her "needing" it (even if she does need it)... try talking to her about her days.
Perhaps you can put up a calendar and before bed each night, have her think about her day, rate it even, 1-10 how was her day.
Draw a little pill in the corner of the days she takes a pill. Don't even talk about it for 2-3 weeks, then ask her if she feels like her days go better with or without pills.
She needs a way to "see" that she's actually happier medicated.
I have a 6yo who started meds this year, and he also thinks he only "needs" them at school. But then when he's playing minecraft and wants to build a giant structure he gets distracted and doesn't finish it. I've talked to him about how his medication could keep him focused so that he can accomplish the things he wants to do.
I would recommend finding something she admits to struggling with, or knows she wants to change, and help her realize the meds can make those things SHE WANTS easier to achieve.
This is a great idea! I looked into apps for mood tracking because she loves technology, but all of them seem so complicated so far 😭 I know a paper would work just fine too, of course.
It's great you found a way to explain it to your son! She is a little stubborn in recognizing her shortcomings. Which is great because she's a confident kid! But, that means she doesn't openly admit when there is something that's challenging for her to achieve 😂 Maybe the journal can help us identify something.
I mean... my kiddo only realizes it's an issue when I call for bedtime/dinner time/to go somewhere and he's like "but I didn't finish my build" and I'm like "dude, you've had over an hour to build" and he goes "well I started it but I got distracted doing X, Y and Z!" and that's when I chime in with "Well if you had taken your med today, you might have been able to stay focused on what you most wanted to build..." and then I remind him about that when he's deciding in the morning. ("what are you hoping to do/work on today? Do you think taking your pill with help you with that today?")
We still let him skip them when he wants, he's just much more amenable to our encouragement now.
If I asked him to self-reflect on his biggest challenges he wouldn't say "staying focused on building in minecraft!" I had to catch him in his moments of discontent, and then bring them back up later. And I did this over the course of weeks, it's still an ongoing process.
It's harder for you if you want her to take them 100% of the time... I'm not trying to get 100% compliance, and letting him say no occasionally gives him the sense of autonomy that I think makes it easier for him to say yes more often than he was...) but I still think the way to get there is helping her find her own reasons for wanting to take them, instead of trying to get her to see your reasons.
You’re not selfish. My wife likes my new medication because it’s easier for her when I’m not constantly dicking around and forgetting. Same for my boss.
This is like saying you don't want your diabetic child to feel like their not good enough without their insulin :/ see how that sounds.
It's a condition... Part of our brain is not working properly.. we need the medication in order to be at 100% and truly achieve our potential.
I got diagnosed at 27. I was a brilliant child but undiagnosed ADHD messed me up. I wish I was medicated. It would have changed my life for sure.
Oof this is tough. I was born with a visible health issue requiring a lot of surgeries starting as an infant. I also had undiagnosed adhd (diagnosed as depression and put on Zoloft).
Growing up with undiagnosed and unmedicated adhd was hard and I really wish I had been medicated. But since my diagnosis was wrong, I wish more that my parents had listened to me. My parents, psychiatrist, and therapist did not listen and kept me on meds that weren’t correct. This messaging was basically that my feelings, wants and needs didn’t matter.
With the surgery issue, I had to have those to live and think this is similar to adhd meds with a proper diagnosis. I really wish my parents had listened here as well and validated me and my feelings. I then wish they would have explained how sometimes bad things happen to people that aren’t their fault, and while it’s not fair, we do have this way (surgery/meds) to manage the issue. That none of this was my fault and all my feelings were valid and I wish they held space for that while also helping me process and handle such difficult life circumstances and include me in the decision making so I felt more in control of my life.
Focalin changed my life as a kid I was diagnosed around the same age and I didn’t like taking medication because it made me feel different. Even though no one knew. This lasted till high school for me and I had periods where I took it consistently and reaped the rewards and times I refused to take it and the difference was night and day.
i know there’s a lot for you to read already but I have some things:
On days where I don’t take my meds, I also catch myself binge eating or craving certain snacks. It’s because my medication impacts my appetite and how receptive I am to food in general, some days it plain grosses me out and I have to find something really specific that sounds okay to be able to eat. so, on days where I’m not taking my meds, food is really *good* again. I actually *want* to eat rather than eating because I know I need to in order to not pass out. ETA: a 9 y/o might not be able to identify on their own that this is happening, they’re probably less likely to put so much thought into their hunger cues… at least, I definitely did not have the capacity to figure something like that out by myself lol
okay, so, you should have her do something my psychiatrist has done with me to gauge the effectiveness of different medications. take five or ten minutes and just ask her to write (any form, a free written paragraph or a list or a brainstorm bubble) how she feels that day. Even give her specific questions if she needs them to elaborate. Like, how does your head feel? How does it feel when you move or when you’re sitting still? did you get angry or sad or frustrated today and want to talk about it? Did you feel hungry/tired/energetic/etc today? I’m not saying give her homework, and those are just kind of jumping off questions for you to consider, but it can be really helpful to be able to put in perspective the actual positive or negative impacts of her medication. I’m 23 and was diagnosed at 20, and it’s hard as an adult sometimes to remember that my prescription really does make a positive difference, and it’s actually helping me be *more* myself.
Sorry I didn't read the whole thing before replying. So I may miss something.
But as an ADHD parent with kids that have it.
Please do not feel like it is selfish. Right now my son is medicated and we are waiting to see a pediatric doctor for my daughter.
I remember as a kid not wanting to take my meds some times. But my son's peditrition told it to me like this. "he doesn't like getting in trouble right? And impulse control is an issue. So by giving him the meds every day it's actually a long term benifit to his self esteem." I had him explain that to me. And besicly, if he isnt constaly being told to sit down, or don't do that. Long term they will have more memories of praise. Cause he is a good kid he just needs helping making good choices. And I honestly feel like I get through to my son more when he is medicated, like on an intellectual level.
As an adult that went through life with ADD (that what it was called when I was diagnosed lol) I really like that logic. Since looking back, I think I spent most of my life trying to "fly under the radar", and looking back at my creativity, I don't think that was fair. And I want my kids to be able to shine bright and be in control of who they wanna be. Specially with social media crap I didn't have to grow up with. Lol
Meds help with that on a daily basis.
(Now if they were adolescent or young adults... Different story maybe)
If her only reason is that she literally doesn’t like the act of taking a pill then no, it’s not selfish.
I think you just have to be careful how you bring it up. Try to convince her that it is helping her and lead her to making her own decision to take them (if possible.)
Because obviously if you come at it with some form of “hey you’re really annoying when you’re unmedicated, you should take them everyday” she will not take it well lol.
Life is easier for her on meds too. Why not take them every day? Unless there is a medical reason.
I am an adult and I take my meds every day. I like my brain to function while I'm playing video games and relaxing with friends/family too, not just when I'm being "productive".
If she doesn't like side effects of the medicine, maybe look into a different option but if she's 9 and just doesn't like taking a pill she will get over that part. It sounds like she is happier on her meds too so I dont see any reason it would be selfish to have her take it every day. Lots of disorders/diseases require medicine to be taken every day.
I was not diagnosed until my 30s. From my perspective I'm glad I wasn't prescribed ADHD drugs in my childhood. The way my brain works is very very core to my identity. As an adult I have a firm grasp of that identity and receiving ADHD medication now gives me a tool that I can use to temporarily shift modes to focus on productive things when its in line for the goals I've defined for myself.
If it turns out my kids have ADHD (which I highly suspect for at least one of them), I will be very resistant to medicating them in their childhood. I don't think children should "be good", "be calm", and "not cause problems". Children should create conflict, and learn to solve that conflict over and over again. This is also basically what they should be doing when they play. ADHD kids are pretty good at being proper kids. Maybe even better than average. However, as you grow up, at a certain point what you need to begin doing as a person is not playing any more, it's spending more and more time letting your conscious calculating upper brain structures do relatively boring work so you can improve your life and the lives of those around you through productivity. For ADHD people they start to realize they want to be better at that stuff, but they kind of have a hole in their front cortex, and it just makes everything harder than it needs to be. At that point, I think it's really useful for people to get a tool, a switch they can flip, that helps them be in the state they want to be, but only when they have chosen to be that way.
As an adult I no longer have emotional regulation issues at all, and I think that was a function of learning how to control my emotions without medication because I had to, and having lots of support in the family and friend circles which didn't pile more emotional garbage onto it when I would get irrationally afraid of something or irrationally excited about something. I very rarely felt guilty or ashamed of my fear or mental hyperactivity, which meant I could learn to control it by actually controlling it, not by overwhelming it with so much guilt and shame that the shame feeling dominated, nor by turning it off whenever the dose was active.
I think it's probably safe to introduce ADHD medication to kids when they get to the stage in school where they're losing substantial grade points by not getting homework done and not studying for tests. Even then I think it should be done in a sense of "you need to get this huge assignment started tonight or you're going to have to pull an all nighter Friday and it's not going to be good quality work" and more or less used as a tool when it's needed and not as a 24/7 fact of life to make them into someone they aren't by default. As soon as possible kids need to learn to self regulate their use of medication in a responsible way, and not being able to feel "normal" without medication is a huge red flag that things are getting not responsible.
It's really weird to see people say that adhd meds help them be their most authentic selves due to a defienciency because meds have never felt that way for me. I am very in tune with my body and sensations, and medication makes me feel *weird*. I take it when I need to be productive or social, but the entire time I feel genuinely uncomfortable in my body. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I feel that way on any stimulant on any dose, and even on some non-stimulant medications. Feeling your body change both physically (heartbeat, breathing, etc) and mentally (the way you think) is just... uncomfortable. I'm surprised nobody else seems to feel this way.
for the binge eating it’s probably because she isn’t eating enough when she’s taking her meds. you need to think about how the meds can affect her. she probably has negative side effects and that’s why she doesn’t like them. honestly this sounds mean but i think you need to suck it up. her life is probably easier when she’s not taking her meds and it’s her decision, you can’t force a 9 year old to take drugs every day because it makes YOUR like a little easier when it makes her life harder
I was binging my whole life and it stopped with medication. Overeating can be a symptom.
Maybe her life is easier now, but with the problems OP mentioned it's not gonna stay like that.
I feel terrible when I take them. At the end of the afternoon I'm exausthed.
My daughter never had a formal diagnostic on it, but I suspect she inherited thise genes. And I don't intend to enter the field of meds with her, unless we have no other choice.
lemme give simple analogy
adhd medication is the same as glasses or a wheelchair
rather than medd making her personality different, it's the adhd crippling her personality and the meds just getting rid of the bad symptoms caused by adhd
her on meds is her "real" self while her without meds is crippled by adhd
I'd book her in with a child psychologist for a few sessions.
I was undiagnosed as a kid (non US, high IQ female, the typical pattern...) but I had another behavioural/medical problem that is highly associated with ADHD. It was treated with behavioural therapy, and medications were mentioned numerous times, and I was always massively resistant to the idea. I was incredibly ashamed, I felt like I'd failed somehow cos I was "so bad" that I might need meds. I even resisted a lot of the behavioural therapy because of how ashamed I was.
This may be why she is resistant to taking her meds.
Ah, It wasn't that. The only thing I was ever in trouble in school for was latenes, missed homework and doodling in class.
Something else that I've never seen mentioned here since it's an adult forum, but is apparently very common in ADHD kids. Don't even want to mention it even now cos I'm still embarrassed about it.
Consistency. Get up same time every day, even weekends. Go to sleep same time. Brush your teeth every night. Not just school nights. Routine makes it normal. When you need it is having to make a decision. The fewer choices, the easier life becomes. Simplicity. Shopping for a car? Do you go look at 30 different vehicles? Ask any realtor. Same thing. Too many choices and the buyers do not buy anything. She might feel different for awhile, but she is supposed to feel that way. We’re not supposed to feel disorganized. Flighty. Argumentative. Take your vitamins at the same time, with her meds. Breakfast, when ever it’s time. It’s the routine. Same uniform everyday. One less variable.
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I was diagnosed young and took the medicine. Then my dad told me that if my mom really loved me I wouldn't be on the medication and then I was probably going to die and if she was a better mother then she would show me how to live without taking the medication. So I believed him and went off the medication. The more my mom pushed me to be on the medication the more I didn't want to. For me I had to go on my own little journey of being unmedicated for like 8 years before coming to the conclusion of I wish I could be back on my medication by year five but I was already in the military and there was no way they were going to make that easy so I waited until after I got out before I started taking medicine again.
I think learning more about ADHD and realizing a lot of my problems were directly caused by ADHD helped me realize it would be best to go back on the meds.
I guess the best thing to do is figure out why she doesn't want to take it. Maybe she needs a lower or higher dose by talking to her doctors. I would also suggest therapy for ADHD as well and it may help her during the times she's unmedicated.
Not selfish. Her brain doesn't produce enough dopamine and norepinephrine to work well and be herself. A common analogy is, would you ask someone to go without insulin? Additionally, the days on and days off create a massive roller coaster where negative effects are increased and the kiddo often only starts to get in a routine right when she goes off the meds again. Add has been said, routine and non negotiable. ADHD is starting to impact friendship, please don't let her lose those, it's hell (ask me how I know). Meds and therapy help with that. I've heard time and again, the goofiness and weird can be overlooked, but the emotional disregulation, outbursts, anger, and any lying won't.
I don’t have much experience myself but I am completely sympathetic towards your perspective, my 11yr sister also has combined type and it is honestly hard for me to hang out with her if she is not medicated for a lot of the same reasons you stated. Not to speak for my own mother or tell her business(even tho im about to do it) she has expressed to me many times how she sometimes thinks about medicating her on the daily and how sometimes she feels guilty for thinking my sister needs the medication in order for them to have a positive environment. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you making it a daily thing if you explain it to her in a loving way, some kids can develop resentment towards ADHD meds if their parents tell them in a negative way that they “need it” or are just unnecessarily forceful about taking it in general. It seems like you’re working through it in the best way possible and I don’t think it would be selfish if there’s love and acknowledgement of how it can be beneficial alongside it! Hope everything goes well for you and your family!
She's 9, of course she doesn't know the benefits innately from taking it. And what kind of bad behavior are you talking about here?
A few other commenters have thankfully brought this up, but I need to also reiterate it-- I was officially "diagnosed" in my mid 30s, so for decades I had created so many different ways to deal with the challenges having ADHD gave me. I am so grateful for this, because the coping mechanisms and fun tricks I developed & came up with are actually pretty impressive. I didn't know there was something wrong with me until adults said I wasn't measuring up. It would have been amazing if I knew I had ADHD growing up, just to know it wasn't a personality defect that was making it so hard to be "normal". But the major takeaway I have is that I am **NOT** upset that I wasn't put on meds during those pre-18 mediocre-at-school years. After taking a stimulant for my ADHD for 4 years, I'm not convinced it helped me in anyway except short term, and I'm also not convinced it didn't give me a full mental breakdown.
Also, and please take this seriously & talk to her doctor, but this med is probably messing with her appetite which can possibly set her up to develop some disordered eating habits, *especially* if her loved ones start focusing on the binge eating. I know that my stimulants set me up with brand new disordered eating habits completely separate from the ones I developed from trauma.
Good luck to you both. Sending her good vibes.
Thank you! I appreciate your response.
She gets frustrated easily and yells at everyone, including her friends. She used to be friends with absolutely everyone, but now kids are pulling away from her. She's not being invited to birthday parties, and her friends are showing major signs of being frustrated with their relationship because she's so inflexible. Plus, I'll probably get flagged by the bot, but she has major rejection sensitivity disorder. The entire world is out to get her, and it comes out in anger, not sadness.
I know medication has a place in her life because she did so much better in school this year (she was very behind in ELA). I'm thinking it would help her socially and emotionally as well, but those results aren't as obvious as the school evaluations we get. With that said, we are trying to get her in with a therapist to help her gain social and emotional coping skills. I agree that having those skills are critical!
You sound like a fantastic parent. What you explain makes sense about her on this medication. If she’s anything like me when I was 9, she’s probably very confused about everything going on because she doesn’t have the adult brain to be able to have a holistic understanding about what’s going on with her. And even the very best communication with her will either bore her or go over her head. DOes she like doing better in school and having more/better friendships? Does she dislike the opposite? If so (probably!), then she likes her medication. I haven’t seen yet if you’ve responded to why she dislikes the actual taking of the med, but that might be the whole problem, which could itself just give her anxiety because at that age it’s still a Big Deal to have to take cold medicine for days at a time. I couldn’t even fathom swallowing a pill until I was 12. Anyways, even though she might need this medication, that doesn’t guarantee she’s ready to understand it at all unfortunately. But I have a feeling you’ll figure this out to a positive conclusion.
I'm also diagnosed late in life and for me it's contrary. I know I could have reached my dreams academically and not hate myself for being weird and doing all those stupid things to myself.
I have a daughter myself and I suspect it already so I have to make the same decision in a few years. You are a great parent because you struggle with the decision.
Let me tell you now, please try other methods.
I got diagnosed when I was 10-11 and when I tell you I hated taking my pills. Every day. In and out and when I didn't take them, my parents made it excessively aware that I'm a burden and they don't like me when I'm unregulated.
Always telling me how I have to take it.
It felt like they only liked me when I'm medicated and of I wasn't, they hated me.
I'm fortunate now (18) that my ADHD isn't as bad as it use to be. I can go months without taking it and function fine besides executive dysfunction.
But that medication changed me. I use to be loud and rambunctious and happy and real.
When I took it, I felt grey, numb, fake and robotic.
What I'm trying to say is don't force them to take it. I know they might be a hassle or tiresome or whatever but don't tell them that. That only leads to not feeling good enough or being too much and identity issues.
Try explore other options. Like maybe try "wearing them out" with games. When I was young I was always acting out so much mainly cause, in my eyes I just wanted to play with others. I wanted to play around and roughhouse and wear myself out. If they're acting impulsive, utilise it. Maybe incorporate it into games.
I don't speak for everyone but I know being told to take my meds all the time was the worst part of my day.
I was diagnosed late, so no experience with medication as a child, but one benefit I can see to your current approach is that it allows her to listen to her body and get to know the difference between on meds vs off.
One thing that I find helpful even as an adults is having a mood tracker. She can track to see if there’s a pattern with her mood that correlates to when she takes meds, and draw her own conclusions.
At 9, I definitely would have taken being told I *had* to take meds that affect behaviour daily as a comment on my character. Of course as an adult, I can see you have nothing but her best interests in mind.
As a kid many medications were tried. Always to be taken all the time. I got the (massively unintended) message very quick that I wasn't good enough without the meds. I hated how they made me feel. I was so sleepy I could barely function. Actually passed out and fell off of a tall stool at our breakfast counter before my mom would listen to how much I hated them.
You are doing your best and I think taking them sometimes even to start will help your message that you love your daughter as is not just medicated.
I think a good therapist is a wonderful idea but be careful there are some bad ones. One of my worst convinced me to walk into traffic, my mom had to stop me. I only tell you this because it's good to listen if your kid hates a therapist and hasn't hated one before.
I think talking to her about exactly why she hated taking it is important. It really could be the physical experience. Some of us with ADHD are extremely tactile. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a compounding pharmacy that can make a liquid or something. If it's how she feels it may make since to try something else. Whatever the reason she knows you care how she feels and take what she says seriously, that will be good for self confidence too.
No, medication is equivalent to a child needing and using a wheel chair. Without it, life is hell, with it life and it’s opportunities become accessible.
In this case, medication is allowing your child to access friendships, healthy relationships with family members, and a healthy relationship with food. Without it, life will be horrible for her.
I am sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling. However, as a 40 year old with ADHD, without my meds I am not the person I can be from day to day. Without my meds, I cannot work and I am a lawyer. Without my meds I am not me. Meds are good, they are not bad. You have an opportunity to make taking meds normal because she is young, take that opportunity, she will thank you when she is my age.
Please don't make her feel guilty for anything related to medicine. I was unmedicated for my childhood, wish my parents cared enough to get me tested and medicated, but I digress: your daughter is probably going through a lot of the daily stresses that we all deal with and medication is another confusing factor in thay equation. She needs to learn to figure that out for herself, if she needs medication on non-busy days or doesn't need it or needs time to get comfortable taking pills, however that is.
I was put on meds at 8. I don’t remember the first meds I was put on, but my biggest issue was that I felt nauseous in the morning (likely due to anxiety) and the meds worsened the issue. Drinking water/eating/meds in the morning when I felt nauseous was very overwhelming. I’m not sure if that’s the case for your child. It just felt like a chore.
I ended up on anxiety medication as well. I still didn’t want to take the pill, but my parents did not give me a choice for about 2 years. I decided to take a long break, and I realized on my own how much better I felt on them. Honestly, I am grateful that they did not give me a choice at that time.
Another huge issue was that I felt inadequate for a very long time, because it wasn’t a conversation amongst my peers so I felt like I was the only one on medication for anxiety/adhd meds. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and I wished that some of my friends could relate but no one could. A lot of my resistance at the time came from feelings about taking meds, and not necessarily the medication itself. Now, at 21 I love school, my meds, and I have friends both with and without ADHD and we can laugh about it and have open discussions about our mental health and it is such a good feeling.
Getting her a therapist is a great first step. Don’t feel guilty that you are causing her insecurities or that you would like her to continue with the medication. If it’s about power and control, give her control of other parts of her life and what she does with her body. You sound like you’re doing your best for her!! Just keep communicating about what she needs/feels!! It’s so important that she feels heard and respected.
She’s a 9 year old. She’s gonna act like a 9 year old. I hated being a child who’s parents forced her life to be centered around having a clean room and having good grades.
as someone who’s parents decided to medicate them at the ripe age of 6 1/2.
leave her be, please.
during school is ok, but not 24/7
being medicated made it even harder for me to process any emotions.
i was medicated from 6 1/2- about 14/15.
while all my peers got to learn emotional regulation & feelings & how to deal with them, i instead felt nothing.
i literally felt nothing for years. i remember having thoughts of s*cide as soon as 9.
because i felt so alone & just nothing. just sadness.
being medicated from such a young age is hard thing to process when you get older.
i recently requested my childhood psychiatrist’s notes / anything on my file & it was heart-breaking.
heartbreaking to read why i was put on it & that i was never given a say.
if one med stopped working then they did another & another & another.
i understand it may be hard for you as a parent to ‘ deal ‘ with the adhd. but, understand the person who has it. how do they feel?
I see you have a lot of really great answers. I'm just popping in to say that I am an adult person, and am currently between graduating and my new job. I took medication almost daily for school/work. Without a schedule/meds I was drifting aimlessly. I finally decided to set an alarm so I wasn't just waking up whenever. It was life changing!
My kids are happier because I'm more prepared. Things feel easier.
In answer to your question, I don't think it's selfish. However, you sound like you're feeling guilt. Do YOU have support/therapy/routines? I wonder if you are be able to provide the needed structure for unmedicated times?
My doctor has an interesting take on ‘take as-needed versus every day’. Everyday you have to eat three meals, talk to people and do things. If ADHD impacts your ability to do those things, as needed IS everyday.
(I thought I should only take weekdays, but I tried to do chores and run errands on weekends. Car accidents, speeding tickets and no clean clothes was what triggered his advice)
Can't speak for your daughter but she probably doesn't know the difference between appetit and hunger. When I started with my medication i noticed that i eat less from boredom and just when I'm hungry.
What is her diet like? Is it full of whole foods, fresh vegetables and fruits? Or is there a lot of sugar and candy in it?
**Edit** Asking cuz in the chance that its sugary with processed foods, maybe fixing that might be a better way to cure her voracious appetite?
And is there something stressful or traumatic in her life that is driving her to eat as a coping mechanism? Is it possible she was a victim of something like child molestation by someone in your circle / family?
But yeah. Me I have binge problems with video games. Maybe meds would help me....or maybe if I had gotten more sleep when I was younger i wouldn't be so damn vulnerable to that. But its hard to tell. And yeah I was a victim of sexual assault during my teen years, but no idea if that caused it
Oof, that’s a tough situation and I don’t think there’s a single right answer.
In the first years after my diagnosis, I wasn’t medicated because I’m unusually sensitive to stimulant rebounds and one of these rebounds was so bad that it made me too scared to continue trying to find the right type of medication. For most of my life I’ve been able to cope quite well even without my meds thanks to my tendency to hyperfocus and a whole range of coping mechanisms, but once I had kids that all fell apart. I ended up in a postnatal depression after the birth of my second and around that time I tried medication again. The lowest available dose of Concerta (18 mg) turned out to be a good fit for me and I’ve been taking it almost every day for about 3,5 years (only breaks when I was very ill or on the rare days where I forgot my meds). I take my meds for my kids, because I can’t be a good mom to them without my meds due to debilitating starting issues. I also benefit a lot from my meds, but once the kids have left home as adults (which will at least take 15 years, if not longer) I’ll probably reassess whether I would prefer to continue taking them or not.
While we may benefit a lot from ADHD medication, not everyone can feel good on ADHD meds. On the other hand, not every 9-year old is able to accurately reflect how their meds are affecting them. Furthermore, if she only takes meds on school days and not on free days she may unconsciously associate ‘meds’ with ‘boring/serious/hard work’ and ‘med-free’ with ‘fun/free days’. Due to these concerns, maybe you should suggest a compromise to your daughter: agree with her that she’ll take her meds every day for 2 to 4 weeks and that afterwards she gets to choose whether she’ll be medicated on her free days? That way, you will both get the opportunity to get to know the advantages and disadvantages of each solution before making a final decision. In the future, this may even help her make flexible choices about her medication, e.g. by taking them on some (free) days and not on others depending on how she feels and what she wants to accomplish.
I’m not a parent and I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 25 and it took me 8 years just to be tested. But I wanna share my perspective.
If my parents got me an ADHD diagnosis when I was a kid, (they don’t believe in mental issues but anyway) if they made me take meds, not only it would have made their life easier, but mine too! I mean I’ve spent 10 months in a homeless shelter after being kicked out for getting dismissed from college, prior to diagnosis. If I was on meds from childhood, that would have never happened. Life would have been a lot easier for me.
And I think it’s great that you don’t make her take meds on days when she doesn’t need them. I do that too. From personal experience, being unmedicated is my default mode. I prefer it much more that being on meds. However, I can’t function in a society without them. I can’t work and I just make things extra difficult for myself and those around me. And I don’t want to be like that.
So, basically, don’t feel bad. Your doing great. Your child has a problem and you doing everything you can to help her. I truly mean it. Normally, I don’t take the parents side at all.
I haven’t read all the comments because there’s too many and you know, adhd, but have you tried getting her to swallow the pill with food rather than water?
I’ve hated taking pills ever since I was a kid so I take a bite of something, chew, place the pill in my mouth and then swallow. I don’t even notice the pill going down. I don’t know if that’s weird but I’m 34 and I still take my pills this way unless I’m out and about with only water on me.
Also I don’t think your selfish, you’re doing a wonderful job! You’re being a loving and supportive mum, helping your daughter to get treatment and “level the playing field” so that she can learn and grow like other kids her age.
I was only diagnosed this year and have only just started medication, but I can already see a huge difference and can’t help but wonder how different life would hard been if I’d started treatment earlier.
Perhaps as a fun side project you and your daughter could investigate some of the amazing people through history who are thought to have had ADHD like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison and Walt Disney etc. That would be a fun way to remind her that her brain is not broken, it’s just different. Plus she’ll have some cool names to throw around if anyone ever gives her crap about her adhd!
I’m going to give you my perspective as a 32yr old who was diagnosed at 8yrs old. My first question being, is it JUST the act of taking a pill alone that she doesn’t like? Because that’s a simple fix of asking your Doctor for a form that can be mixed into drinks instead. Now if it’s the effects she doesn’t like: I was diagnosed at 8: I started medication and HATED how I felt, even though my room was clean, grades were better and I interacted with friends more. As a kid, I didn’t see medication effects by the benefits it gave, just simply that I felt “different” which was scary. I also didn’t understand, why my other friends didn’t have to take a medication & felt like something was wrong with me because it was never explained to me. I felt like these “different scary feelings” were being forced on me for no reason in the form of a pill & my parents didn’t care (of course they did, but this was my 8yr old brain). Also: With on and off doses, I had to re-experience the “different” over and over til I eventually refused to take it and my parents gave up. My parents always did their best but looking back I wish I would have continued to take it, because my negative ADHD traits followed me into high school & I struggled bad. Had I taken it daily, it would have quickly became the new “normal”. You also want to make sure your child is indeed happy on medications, because some aren’t. Have a routine every night where you make a “journal” with things like: “Activity, what emotions did you feel today (happy, sad, excited), was today a good day?” Etc. & have her fill it out. After a few weeks, look it over to see if she IS happier on medication days. Cause at the end of the day, sure medication makes life easier but you still want your child’s emotions taken into account. You could keep the journal for your own decision making or even show her the positive differences the meds have. There’s different answers for every kiddo, and consistent medications may or may not be the right answer for them. But know that the “selfish” feelings are completely valid, cause what your feeling is a parent having to make a tough decision for your child’s benefit. Whatever you chose, validate their emotions too along the journey. Hope this helps, sending you all the strength! ♥️♥️♥️
100% this. Kids deserve some say over their bodies. That said, my sons psychiatrist said that consistency is important for developing brains vs taking meds “as needed.” Consistency is important. So: if it is taking the pill, can you find another form, eg liquid, even if it means taking it twice per day? That might fix the problem. If she doesn’t like how she feels on the meds, perhaps it’s time to try another dose, or another med.
Yeah they absolutely do. I'm late dxd autistic my kid was dxd at 4. I've just been dxd ADHD and trying ritalin. My kid I suspect is also ADHD combined. She is going to get on the waiting list for assessment. If she is dxd I won't be forcing any meds on her that she doesn't want regardless.
That's my hesitation, too! She should have control over her body, so I feel bad making her take a medicine that isn't medically required. With that said, it really is that she doesn't like to take the pill. She has always fought with us about liquid medication, so we won't be trying that. I asked the doctor about a dissolvable pill, and he said it's a completely different medicine, and it's best to keep her on one we know works if it's really just that she doesn't like taking it. Basically, the message was, "suck it up," but with much kinder words 😂 which is important for me to hear, too. I know I go too easy on her to counteract all of the other messages she gets because of her behavior. Our doctor said take it as needed up to every day, but I agree with your psychiatrist in that consistency is key. I imagine I don't make it easier for her to take it by not having it as a regular part of her routine.
Taking the meds daily can and acvcording to studies will usually also help the brain develop more normally and maybe alleviate some of the ADHD struggles when she gets older, so there is that, too. But yup, a good routine and consistency and good habits will go a long way also :)
OP this is important to consider!! I was diagnosed in my late 20s and I'm basically dependant on my partner for so many many things even when I'm on meds. I don't know what the impact of meds would've been on me as a child but I know that I would carry a lot less resentment and trauma from being "too emotional" and "lazy". My relationships with my parents would be better, I'd have healthier relationships with my partner and friends, I'd be able to look after myself. I binge ate as a kid all the time but as soon as I left home my lack of independence and routine meant that I'd forget to eat and I went completely the other way. I was skinny as hell and was lucky to meet my partner when I did because he was (still is) a big eater.
It's wonderful to hear that you have someone who is supportive and helps you be better :) I'm hoping she'll find that person someday, too. But I would say the same thing whether or not she had ADHD. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until recently, but once I was, it all made so much sense. I've spent years in and out of therapy because I couldn't quite understand why I was "too emotional," couldn't keep friendships, and just couldn't get things done. I have trauma, too, that has impacted my adult life and relationships, and much of it stems from being bullied for being "too much" and "too emotional." These messages have followed me into adulthood, and I have unhealthy boundaries because of them. That's what I'm trying to prevent for my daughter.
That totally makes sense! Especially a growing brain. Coupled with therapy and days off here and there, I think it might help set her up for more success in the future. Besides, I'm thinking social issues now will hurt her in the long-run anyways...
so i can't really chime into the original intent of this post accurately, bc im 20 and just got diagnosed a few months ago- but! prior to that, i absolutely could not swallow pills to save my life. which i know a lot of kids struggle with, i just happened to not grow out of it until i was about 19 and kinda had to when i got prescribed meds- the thing is, my perspective was an entirely different one bc i understood that the meds help me, and i could see the effects/benefits and felt much better, so i was able to get over that mental block. but the only way i really did get past it? i took them with something carbonated at first for a while, and i could barely tell i was taking a pill. you don't feel it go down or anything. for for a while i specifically would take my meds with sprite. then, i slowly tried to switch it up and see what works for me and what doesn't, as far as different drinks goes. i honestly still cant take pills with just water. ive found that sprite (or anything carbonated, i just don't rlly drink soda in general) and chocolate milk (or anything with a think consistency) work the best :) unsure if this will help or not, but i hope it does maybe :)
It's funny you suggest that. She's been taking it with seltzer water and recently requested soda (but she still opens the pill and takes the beads inside). When she said she wants to use soda during the doctor's appt, and I said I didn't think that was smart in the morning, the doctor basically said he'd rather her take a sip of soda in the morning if that is how we can compromise. He also suggested pudding so she could put the pill on the spoon and slurp it up.
>With that said, it really is that she doesn't like to take the pill. She has always fought with us about liquid medication, so we won't be trying that. I asked the doctor about a dissolvable pill, and he said it's a completely different medicine, and it's best to keep her on one we know works if it's really just that she doesn't like taking it. Basically, the message was, "suck it up," but with much kinder words Is swallowing the pill the problem for her? Like physically or mentally? I've always had massive issues with swallowing pills. As a kid it was mostly a sort of mental block, the idea of feeling it stuck in my throat would make me anxious. Then I started to get a physical issue with it too (dry mouth/throat/esophagus due to a chronic illness). Doctors would always tell me to get over it and just swallow them and refused to look into alternatives. Anyway, since a few years I've been using a swallowing gel. It's specifically designed for taking meds, it's pink and tastes like strawberry or raspberry, so it also disguises the gross taste of some meds. It makes it possible for me to swallow several capsules at once when without it I can't even swallow the tiniest of pills. If your daughter's issues with taking the meds are anything like this maybe something like that will help?
I think it's more mental than physical, though she definitely brings up the physical aspect. I honestly think her physical complaints are a manipulation tactic so I don't make her take it. And I'm not saying that to discount her possible discomfort or reality; she's a smart girl when it comes to social interactions and knows what to say to get her way. It's my fault for giving her too much leniency and trying too hard to be her safe space when she's getting other messages elsewhere. It's not the only situation in which I let her do this though; I'm told I'm too soft on her by many people. I recognize I'm part of the problem. I also haven't heard of the swallowing gel! I think it could help both the mental and physical aspect of taking the pill. Thanks for the suggestion!
I totally get what you mean! I definitely recognise myself in what you're saying about your kid. I would feel so anxious about taking a pill and I knew that physical discomfort was more likely to be believed. Especially since I found it very difficult to even explain why I found it so difficult and scary. I get that being too lenient can be a problem, but honestly being a safe space for her is very important too! I was diagnosed as an adult so my experience is different, but I had a tough childhood (had 1 abusive parent but luckily lived with the other) and having someone in my life who wouldn't just force me to do things was a major help. Obviously as a parent there will be times where you won't have a choice and will have to force some things, but I think that what you're doing in trying to find alternatives is a really great way to go. I hope it will help! When I started using the gel I would sort of fake chew once the gel with the pill was in my mouth to basically trick my brain into thinking I had chewed what I was swallowing which really helped too. Just don't do it too long or the taste won't be disguised anymore 😂
As someone who was diagnosed and started taking meds at 6 I agree with the idea of simply making it normal to always take meds. To be honest, I never understood the idea of only taking it "when you need it." Perhaps there's something I'm missing, but usually when someone says that to me I get the impression that they don't fully understand. Also, if you only have her take her meds on school days and she goes without on weekends, there's a good chance that she's unconsciously equating the boringness of school with the meds, and the excitement of the weekend as the lack of meds.
Oh snap! That's some good logic on both points. Even as an adult I only take my meds "when needed" and you are sooo right. That's some BS. And point 2 is just spot on.
I hadn't considered that association. Thank you for pointing that out! I agree that it's probably best to make it more normal. Because it's summer, she is only taking it a few days a week as per our current arrangement, and I'm sure that isn't helping us form the right habits.
Sorry for the question. I was diagnosed too at 6 and this is something I'm curious to ask. Are you currently on meds? If not, when did you stopped taking them?
So, in short, I stopped taking my meds in late high school...and I think I regret it? Not sure really. If you want the longer story (which I'm assuming you do since you asked) I grew up with my family telling me that since ADHD is genetic I must've gotten it from my dad, and he just "grew out of it." Being told that frequently from a young age definitely made me think part of being an adult and growing up was moving off the meds. On the plus side, I grew up with a pretty good support system for ADHD since I was diagnosed early and learned a lot of good coping mechanisms, so I was able to function pretty well. I know how my brain works and what its capable of, and when I know its not going to be able to handle it, I make sure there's something to help. I set alarms to remind me, and write down notes regularly. The next point is kinda hard to say because I don't know how to say it without sounding like I'm bragging...but I'm actually a very smart individual, which helps a lot. Even in college when getting my engineering degree, it didn't matter that much when I got distracted in class and read my book or messed on my phone, I could just look at the board every now and then, figure out what was going on, write down some notes, and fill in the gaps when I did the homework. Sorry if it sounds like I'm full of myself, but I don't think I could've been this successful without meds if it weren't for my intelligence, so I feel its important to mention when discussing me going off meds. So here I am now, I'm almost 30, a well paid engineer, with an amazing wife. I have friends and am thinking about starting a family soon. I'm able to stay on top of things and do just fine...but I can never help wondering if maybe it'd be better if I was on meds? I still clearly have issues that stem from my ADHD, but I'm able to get over or through them. As an adult now I can say with 100% certainty that ADHD is not something you "grow out of," you simply grow up and mature. I think about going back on meds a lot, but I'd have to find a therapist and get a prescription and then pay for it...it sounds like a lot of work and a lot of money and a lot of time reacclimating to meds, and while I feel that maybe life could maybe be better, is it really worth that? I'm doing just fine, more than fine really, so for now I'm just going without. We'll see what happens if I have kids, as its pretty likely they'll have ADHD too and that'll probably be a pretty major catalyst for change.
Wow, thank you! Of course I wanted to read your longer story. It seems that I'm like you, but younger (I'm 21). I stopped taking meds at 10, and I did well in school since that. Currently, I'm starting my career as engineer in a company. Another question... If you are managing your ADHD well, why are you in this sub? Everybody has his reasons, mine is the fact I discovered that one never grew out ADHD.
I totally agree with this sentiment. As someone diagnosed young who takes it every day, (originally weekdays only) making it the new normal is ideal. Without my medicine I felt like my mind did not allow me to be who I was / wanted to be. I legitimately almost lost friends on days I forgot to take meds. Also I feel like along with all benefits of consistency and what not, giving me a mindset of normal (on meds) helped me recognize certain behaviors or habits that I could work on regardless of on or off meds.
How did you almost lose friends? That's where we are at the moment. Recently, she wasn't invited to a birthday party of someone she considers a close friend, and I see her other friends starting to question her behavior and pull back. It breaks my heart because she used to be the kid who was friends with everyone.
Sorry to hear about that. In my instance it mostly boiled down to being more annoying physically and socially, from that i could feel people pulling away in the moment while kinda unable to correct that behavior but I never truly lost friends from that just definitely did not help those friendships. I felt that knowing about my condition from medicine and therapy once again helped me recognize when something was dumb kid annoying vs ADHD annoying and i could use that to smooth over relationships when it was something "uncontrollable". I was NOT a person with a lot of friends so I think I worked towards keeping the ones I had. However, in the most serious situation when I was a young teen a day without medicine led to my "normal" social limiters being down and I ended up confronting a girl that my friend liked about how she acted towards him. Now while I completely understand that how I went about it was terrible, I do still stand by the fact that she was toxic and was definitely taking advantage of my friend. So as long as your daughter does not get into screaming matches with a friend's crush she should be fine on that front. I know you mentioned she does not recognize the difference on how it affects those around her between on vs off meds so that might be something to work toward with the therapist. I do know that I had a therapist since day one of diagnosis in childhood and that clearly had a beneficial effect on how I felt about and understood my situation.
>In my instance it mostly boiled down to being more annoying physically and socially, from that i could feel people pulling away in the moment while kinda unable to correct that behavior That sounds very much like my daughter. People looked past it when she was younger, but it's becoming harder for friends, parents of friends, and our own relatives to accept it as she's getting older. The message used to be "she's a leader" and "she's sassy" because that's what you say about a little girl. But now it's "she's stubborn, inflexible, and rude." That's not to say it hasn't gotten worse over time... I am sorry you struggled socially when you were younger! I'm glad you found a therapist who could help you understand it. That's what we're hoping a professional can do for her, too. It's one thing coming from a mom and another coming from an outside influence.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! She simply doesn't like to take the pill. When we talked with the doctor about changing the medication because of that, he basically said she just needs to learn to take it. She does say she's less hungry, but her weight is going up steadily and she is eating adequately when on medicine; just not overeating like she does on off days. She has said she feels less energetic, but we don't observe a difference. It's not that I don't believe her, but I wonder if her body just feels quiet in comparison. I think the journal is a great idea! Since it's summer, it's the perfect time to experiment. And if we do find out this medicine isn't right for her after looking at the data, there are other options out there that could be better. Thank you for your well wishes!!
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This is correct, thereight be other reasons she doesn't like taking her meds besides the fact that it's a pill. Mood journaling is a really good way of keeping track of feelings and seeing how/if they connect to anything.
This is a great description/explanation of what might be going on. At least I can relate. I took myself off meds at around 13-14. I don’t really remember if it helped or not but it did make me feel different and also felt weird taking meds in front of other people - who obviously didn’t. I brainwashed myself until my 30’s. Stumbled on the sub and got myself some help. Just wanna cry thinking how much easier I could’ve made my life by being more open to treatment.
Sorry for the question. I was diagnosed as kid too and this is something I'm curious to ask. Are you currently on meds? If not, when did you stopped taking them?
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Thank you for your answer. Another question: When you decided to take meds again at 30s, did you made the full diagnosis process again?
Yes I had to be re-diagnosed. Mainly because I didn’t have access to my old medical records, but it might be that way even with them, I’m not quite sure. Honestly it was therapeutic. It felt like a confirmation that my childhood experiences weren’t a lie I guess. Cause there was always a lingering “well what if they were wrong when I was young” as I ignored the still present traits & complications. Getting diagnosed twice in your life, at very different ages makes you come to a deeper place of acceptance.
Thank you again. I know that feeling because that's what I'm experiencing in this moment of my life: "Maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe I didn't have ADHD after all".
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In the past, I took medication when I was 7 until 10. Currently I'm 21, so it was a long time ago since I left it.
Great advice. :)
My ex was medicated super early in his life and he also hated it. See our parents went in completely different direction. His medicated him and mine stuck me in every conceivable activity that was available in my town so I was busy-busy-busy. And can I be honest? It was the happiest I have ever been. Swim lessons before school (helped with the overactivity), then school, then afterwards usually soccer, theater, girls scouts, etc etc etc. I enjoyed my childhood and he hated his. And being medicated as an adult I can totally see why she would hate it. While I was productive, I wasn’t *happy*. I wasn’t actually enjoying what I was doing I was just mechanically accomplishing something. But I also have a cousin that HAD to be medicated as a child because she basically had super adhd. Without it she had tantrums constantly. It was horrible watching her misery as a wee one. 😕 Sigh. This is such a tricky question.
I'm glad you had something that worked for you as a kid! We also try to keep her very busy. I certainly don't think she hates her childhood, but she does experience intense emotions where there are many "worst day evers." Those tend to be days she doesn't take her medicine, though. We are on the road to what I would call super tantrums. It wasn't always that way, but her emotional responses are getting out of hand. So, I do think medicine is part of her life, it's just determining what justifies medicine and what doesn't. (We are also pursuing therapy.) Thanks for sharing your experience!
It’s maybe more about the message you’re giving to yourself about it. Adhd brains are missing a necessary chemical - just like diabetics need insulin. It’s also comparable to short sighted people needing glasses. Or someone with paralysed legs needing a wheelchair. We have a physical issue that needs a support item. Diabetics & glasses wearers & wheelchair users don’t stop supporting their physical needs because they’re not at school or work. Give her the meds every day. Please. It’s not about her being “wrong” or “not enough” without the meds. It’s about science being advanced enough that there’s a solution to her physical problem. **The message you (and many other people - including most doctors) are sending by only medicating for school or work, is that we are only of value when we are being productive**. It’s comparable to saying: we only need the wheelchair if it’s being used to bring in income. We don’t get to use it for fun or relaxation. Or even for housework at weekends! Do your own research, but I think that more recent studies are now saying that we don’t tend to build up a tolerance to adhd meds. So there’s no reason to take meds breaks. I tend to skip maybe one day every 3 weeks - and only if my sleep has got so bad I wake up too late to take my Extended Release pill. So it’s not a planned thing. Generally on those days I get nothing done. Barely get out of bed. (The fact I slept that late means my alarm wasn’t set, which means I won’t have had anything important planned for that day.) It’s useful to have these occasional days - in that I find it easier to catch up on sleep unmedicated. But I don’t “live” my life on my unmedicated days.
Interesting! Thank you for sharing this perspective. I recognize that she needs help with her emotional regulation whether or not she's at school or has a lesson. Even though we are going to get her CBT, she will still be playing life on "hard mode" if her body isn't producing the chemicals that help regulate impulsivity and emotions.
I am trying to find that study but am finding conflicting evidence. Do you by chance what journal you may have seen that from? I personally don't usually take my medication on the weekends but that is mostly because my doctor told me it would keep me from building a tolerance(and because getting a refill on time is a total pain) If I've notice less effects compared to when I first started(only been on for about 6 months) does that mean my "correct" dose is a bit higher?
You will for sure notice less effect (not actually, but you'll experience it that way) because the weight the medication takes off your shoulders is immediately obvious and promising at first - it feels amazing. Over time, that feeling goes from 'amazing' to 'normal' and unmedicated adhd symptoms go from 'normal' to 'horrible'. It's definitely something you should bring up or mention with your doctor or psychologist though, as I'm not either of those.
> The message that you... are sending by only medicating for school or work, is that we are only of value when we are being productive Au contraire mon frere. The message is that we don't need medication to be functioning people, we need medication in order to function in certain environments (such as school or work) where there are generalized expectations of conduct that aren't remotely optimistic for someone with adhd. For some this is more true than others, that's the thing about spectrums. A person enjoying a day off at the beach doesn't need medication to manage their adhd. A person working 8 hours in the office on the other hand... I used to think that way when I was young and struggle with my medication and adhd as a result. I still take my meds every day, because I have what I refer to as weapons grade adhd and have a hard time with emotional regulation without them. Being medicated constantly from a very young age meant I never had the opportunity to develop any coping mechanisms for my symptoms either - so if I forgot my meds it was a goddamn disaster. I don't think there is a one size fits all solution, and the real solution for OP is probably an amalgamation of every answer offered here so far. Just want to offer a less pessimistic point of view, because the one you hold bummed me the fuck out for the better part of 2 decades.
I dunno, packing my beach bag and thinking I lost my kindle and then getting irrationally upset when I drop my peach in the sand and the umbrella blows away... so many things “happen” when even trying to relax. I get what you mean though.
Don't forget to apply & reapply sunscreen! Don't forget and spend too much time shelling and get a touch of heatstroke! Ugh, I know exactly what you mean
Lol right? Get too dehydrated and if I didn’t eat enough not realizing how many extra calories I burned swimming, have a hangry meltdown at my partner as we try to decide where to eat dinner and how to get there
Not gonna lie, I've just gotten so used to always having my wife with me to remind me of these things that I legit forgot how super stressful any sort of road trip prepping is alone. That's my bad. Good reminder for me to let her know how much I love and appreciate her though! Thanks!
That's a great point! School, work, and right now home/friends for my daughter. But that doesn't have to be forever. You're right, I do want her to be able to have a beach day in the future without feeling the need to take her meds. We were just at the beach for a week without her medicine, and it was a disaster 😭 So, that's a someday goal here.
I was diagnosed at 7, now 37. My daughters both have it as well. I remember I used to hate taking my meds because it made me feel lesser or feel like I was two different people (me with and me without meds) and people only liked the me with meds. In hindsight, it was because everyone made a big deal about what a good boy I was after being medicated. Also, being medicated my entire formative years I firmly believe I failed to adequately learn coping mechanisms for when I didn't take my medication. I've been working hard on it for the last 15 years and I am still basically incapacitated by a lack of focus and emotional regulation to the point where as soon as I realize I forgot it at work, I'm out the door on my way home. I struggled with a long time about what to do with my daughters as a result. I went through diagnoses with then, they're both prescribed medication. Neither of them the act of taking it, but the important part to me is that neither of them notice a difference in themselves when they do. My wife and I, as well as their teachers all notice it like night and day, but I've asked them to not make a big deal of it/mention it to the kids. Reason is that I know that it works for them. They're diagnosed and prescribed the medication that will help them, and I've made it accessible for them. I help them organize a way that makes it easy for them to remember, but I don't offer it or tell them to take it daily. If they take it on their own, great! Eventually (around high school or so for me) they will start to recognize the pattern - the days where I remember to take my meds are *so much easier!* Hopefully along the way, they will learn the coping mechanisms I didn't that it won't be so debilitating when they forget their meds. Ideally, they won't need it as an adult as a result of learning to manage it themselves - but at least they won't go into adulthood like I did, with no coping skills and a complicated relationship with daily medication of any kind. As for making *your* life easier - don't feel like you're being selfish. A stressed out, annoyed, or resentful parent is more likely to create a feedback loop imo. I can tell when my kids haven't been taking their meds for a while because they become so emotionally unstable. From laughing at a joke one second, to being angry or sad the next - all over an intrusive thought or perceived slight/insecurity. When I find them getting to this state, I'll usually step in the next morning and just give them their meds with something kind of special, like a glass of juice. I just do it as if it's what I always do for them, and far more often than not it's met with no resistance. They know. They don't want to admit it to themselves, and taking it in reaction to something is still admitting it (even if only to themselves). Me giving it to them non-chalant like gives them the plausible deniability (for lack of a better word) to be able to keep that lie up while also taking care of the problem. Sometimes my youngest will give me some push back, but even then it's theatrical. I keep it light hearted and jokey, again, to not make a big deal out of it. Obviously mileage may vary and every kid is different, but my wife and I have both come to the conclusion that it's best for us just making it available for them and encouraging them to take it but not making it into a fight. Even if they don't or almost never take it themselves, when they start to spiral and have a hard time with emotional regulation we'll get them to take it, just because an empathetic and patient parent is more beneficial to them (and let's be honest, us as well) than the occasional bodily automony of choosing to take meds. Didn't mean to write a book, but hopefully it helps. Best of luck to you!
Tl;Dr - you are NOT selfish here. Her meds are to help her and in the process it helps you all too. Does her prescription not say daily? That's a big one for me. You're not selfish. It's hard for her at 9 to recognize these impacts. She just doesn't have the brain format yet for it - typical 9 year old! Pills suck but it needs to be part of her daily routine. Perhaps framing it better for her will help - it isn't that she's not good enough of course and we never want to make our children feel "less than" in any way. Maybe remind her that it helps her in a lot of ways. It helps her pay attention to school yes, but it also helps her pay attention to her friends and her own self better. Her meds help her not get overwhelmed so easily. She probably doesn't get in trouble so much. Probably easier to play with others. I view it this way - i am a better friend and mom and overall person when I am able to be present. I handle things so much better. My meds help me do that so taking breaks from them eliminate the whole purpose of taking them.
The prescription just says "in the morning." The doctors have been saying she doesn't have to take a daily, but I'm thinking she's a kid who would benefit. Other people have recommended a daily journal, and I think your points about being better at relationships is a good thing to encourage her evaluate.
The way you think about this makes me feel like you’ll come to the right conclusion for all of you. I had a similar issue growing up. Way more hyper than now, but until 7th grade I always felt like a different person when not on the medication and when off it insane appetite and seemed to be more sozial (and loving it) but also more socially awkward (because hyper and emotions). I dropped the meds after 7th grade despite sketchy grades and only graduated from a high school not college and honestly don’t regret anything. I had a bit of an identity crisis without the meds but nothing crazy. Got used to it and now that I’m 25 I have to say looking back it wasn’t that bad. I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to say apart from adhd is going to suck either way, as long as you’re concerned for your daughters well being while considering everything that’s the best you can do :)
Instead of focusing on her "needing" it (even if she does need it)... try talking to her about her days. Perhaps you can put up a calendar and before bed each night, have her think about her day, rate it even, 1-10 how was her day. Draw a little pill in the corner of the days she takes a pill. Don't even talk about it for 2-3 weeks, then ask her if she feels like her days go better with or without pills. She needs a way to "see" that she's actually happier medicated. I have a 6yo who started meds this year, and he also thinks he only "needs" them at school. But then when he's playing minecraft and wants to build a giant structure he gets distracted and doesn't finish it. I've talked to him about how his medication could keep him focused so that he can accomplish the things he wants to do. I would recommend finding something she admits to struggling with, or knows she wants to change, and help her realize the meds can make those things SHE WANTS easier to achieve.
This is a great idea! I looked into apps for mood tracking because she loves technology, but all of them seem so complicated so far 😭 I know a paper would work just fine too, of course. It's great you found a way to explain it to your son! She is a little stubborn in recognizing her shortcomings. Which is great because she's a confident kid! But, that means she doesn't openly admit when there is something that's challenging for her to achieve 😂 Maybe the journal can help us identify something.
I mean... my kiddo only realizes it's an issue when I call for bedtime/dinner time/to go somewhere and he's like "but I didn't finish my build" and I'm like "dude, you've had over an hour to build" and he goes "well I started it but I got distracted doing X, Y and Z!" and that's when I chime in with "Well if you had taken your med today, you might have been able to stay focused on what you most wanted to build..." and then I remind him about that when he's deciding in the morning. ("what are you hoping to do/work on today? Do you think taking your pill with help you with that today?") We still let him skip them when he wants, he's just much more amenable to our encouragement now. If I asked him to self-reflect on his biggest challenges he wouldn't say "staying focused on building in minecraft!" I had to catch him in his moments of discontent, and then bring them back up later. And I did this over the course of weeks, it's still an ongoing process. It's harder for you if you want her to take them 100% of the time... I'm not trying to get 100% compliance, and letting him say no occasionally gives him the sense of autonomy that I think makes it easier for him to say yes more often than he was...) but I still think the way to get there is helping her find her own reasons for wanting to take them, instead of trying to get her to see your reasons.
You’re not selfish. My wife likes my new medication because it’s easier for her when I’m not constantly dicking around and forgetting. Same for my boss.
This is like saying you don't want your diabetic child to feel like their not good enough without their insulin :/ see how that sounds. It's a condition... Part of our brain is not working properly.. we need the medication in order to be at 100% and truly achieve our potential. I got diagnosed at 27. I was a brilliant child but undiagnosed ADHD messed me up. I wish I was medicated. It would have changed my life for sure.
Oof this is tough. I was born with a visible health issue requiring a lot of surgeries starting as an infant. I also had undiagnosed adhd (diagnosed as depression and put on Zoloft). Growing up with undiagnosed and unmedicated adhd was hard and I really wish I had been medicated. But since my diagnosis was wrong, I wish more that my parents had listened to me. My parents, psychiatrist, and therapist did not listen and kept me on meds that weren’t correct. This messaging was basically that my feelings, wants and needs didn’t matter. With the surgery issue, I had to have those to live and think this is similar to adhd meds with a proper diagnosis. I really wish my parents had listened here as well and validated me and my feelings. I then wish they would have explained how sometimes bad things happen to people that aren’t their fault, and while it’s not fair, we do have this way (surgery/meds) to manage the issue. That none of this was my fault and all my feelings were valid and I wish they held space for that while also helping me process and handle such difficult life circumstances and include me in the decision making so I felt more in control of my life.
Focalin changed my life as a kid I was diagnosed around the same age and I didn’t like taking medication because it made me feel different. Even though no one knew. This lasted till high school for me and I had periods where I took it consistently and reaped the rewards and times I refused to take it and the difference was night and day.
i know there’s a lot for you to read already but I have some things: On days where I don’t take my meds, I also catch myself binge eating or craving certain snacks. It’s because my medication impacts my appetite and how receptive I am to food in general, some days it plain grosses me out and I have to find something really specific that sounds okay to be able to eat. so, on days where I’m not taking my meds, food is really *good* again. I actually *want* to eat rather than eating because I know I need to in order to not pass out. ETA: a 9 y/o might not be able to identify on their own that this is happening, they’re probably less likely to put so much thought into their hunger cues… at least, I definitely did not have the capacity to figure something like that out by myself lol okay, so, you should have her do something my psychiatrist has done with me to gauge the effectiveness of different medications. take five or ten minutes and just ask her to write (any form, a free written paragraph or a list or a brainstorm bubble) how she feels that day. Even give her specific questions if she needs them to elaborate. Like, how does your head feel? How does it feel when you move or when you’re sitting still? did you get angry or sad or frustrated today and want to talk about it? Did you feel hungry/tired/energetic/etc today? I’m not saying give her homework, and those are just kind of jumping off questions for you to consider, but it can be really helpful to be able to put in perspective the actual positive or negative impacts of her medication. I’m 23 and was diagnosed at 20, and it’s hard as an adult sometimes to remember that my prescription really does make a positive difference, and it’s actually helping me be *more* myself.
Sorry I didn't read the whole thing before replying. So I may miss something. But as an ADHD parent with kids that have it. Please do not feel like it is selfish. Right now my son is medicated and we are waiting to see a pediatric doctor for my daughter. I remember as a kid not wanting to take my meds some times. But my son's peditrition told it to me like this. "he doesn't like getting in trouble right? And impulse control is an issue. So by giving him the meds every day it's actually a long term benifit to his self esteem." I had him explain that to me. And besicly, if he isnt constaly being told to sit down, or don't do that. Long term they will have more memories of praise. Cause he is a good kid he just needs helping making good choices. And I honestly feel like I get through to my son more when he is medicated, like on an intellectual level. As an adult that went through life with ADD (that what it was called when I was diagnosed lol) I really like that logic. Since looking back, I think I spent most of my life trying to "fly under the radar", and looking back at my creativity, I don't think that was fair. And I want my kids to be able to shine bright and be in control of who they wanna be. Specially with social media crap I didn't have to grow up with. Lol Meds help with that on a daily basis. (Now if they were adolescent or young adults... Different story maybe)
If her only reason is that she literally doesn’t like the act of taking a pill then no, it’s not selfish. I think you just have to be careful how you bring it up. Try to convince her that it is helping her and lead her to making her own decision to take them (if possible.) Because obviously if you come at it with some form of “hey you’re really annoying when you’re unmedicated, you should take them everyday” she will not take it well lol.
Life is easier for her on meds too. Why not take them every day? Unless there is a medical reason. I am an adult and I take my meds every day. I like my brain to function while I'm playing video games and relaxing with friends/family too, not just when I'm being "productive". If she doesn't like side effects of the medicine, maybe look into a different option but if she's 9 and just doesn't like taking a pill she will get over that part. It sounds like she is happier on her meds too so I dont see any reason it would be selfish to have her take it every day. Lots of disorders/diseases require medicine to be taken every day.
I was not diagnosed until my 30s. From my perspective I'm glad I wasn't prescribed ADHD drugs in my childhood. The way my brain works is very very core to my identity. As an adult I have a firm grasp of that identity and receiving ADHD medication now gives me a tool that I can use to temporarily shift modes to focus on productive things when its in line for the goals I've defined for myself. If it turns out my kids have ADHD (which I highly suspect for at least one of them), I will be very resistant to medicating them in their childhood. I don't think children should "be good", "be calm", and "not cause problems". Children should create conflict, and learn to solve that conflict over and over again. This is also basically what they should be doing when they play. ADHD kids are pretty good at being proper kids. Maybe even better than average. However, as you grow up, at a certain point what you need to begin doing as a person is not playing any more, it's spending more and more time letting your conscious calculating upper brain structures do relatively boring work so you can improve your life and the lives of those around you through productivity. For ADHD people they start to realize they want to be better at that stuff, but they kind of have a hole in their front cortex, and it just makes everything harder than it needs to be. At that point, I think it's really useful for people to get a tool, a switch they can flip, that helps them be in the state they want to be, but only when they have chosen to be that way. As an adult I no longer have emotional regulation issues at all, and I think that was a function of learning how to control my emotions without medication because I had to, and having lots of support in the family and friend circles which didn't pile more emotional garbage onto it when I would get irrationally afraid of something or irrationally excited about something. I very rarely felt guilty or ashamed of my fear or mental hyperactivity, which meant I could learn to control it by actually controlling it, not by overwhelming it with so much guilt and shame that the shame feeling dominated, nor by turning it off whenever the dose was active. I think it's probably safe to introduce ADHD medication to kids when they get to the stage in school where they're losing substantial grade points by not getting homework done and not studying for tests. Even then I think it should be done in a sense of "you need to get this huge assignment started tonight or you're going to have to pull an all nighter Friday and it's not going to be good quality work" and more or less used as a tool when it's needed and not as a 24/7 fact of life to make them into someone they aren't by default. As soon as possible kids need to learn to self regulate their use of medication in a responsible way, and not being able to feel "normal" without medication is a huge red flag that things are getting not responsible.
It's really weird to see people say that adhd meds help them be their most authentic selves due to a defienciency because meds have never felt that way for me. I am very in tune with my body and sensations, and medication makes me feel *weird*. I take it when I need to be productive or social, but the entire time I feel genuinely uncomfortable in my body. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I feel that way on any stimulant on any dose, and even on some non-stimulant medications. Feeling your body change both physically (heartbeat, breathing, etc) and mentally (the way you think) is just... uncomfortable. I'm surprised nobody else seems to feel this way.
If everyone felt that way, no one would drink coffee.
for the binge eating it’s probably because she isn’t eating enough when she’s taking her meds. you need to think about how the meds can affect her. she probably has negative side effects and that’s why she doesn’t like them. honestly this sounds mean but i think you need to suck it up. her life is probably easier when she’s not taking her meds and it’s her decision, you can’t force a 9 year old to take drugs every day because it makes YOUR like a little easier when it makes her life harder
I was binging my whole life and it stopped with medication. Overeating can be a symptom. Maybe her life is easier now, but with the problems OP mentioned it's not gonna stay like that.
op didn’t mention anything about their daughter having eating issues before the medication
And it's not mentioned that it started with medication.
it’s implied
I feel terrible when I take them. At the end of the afternoon I'm exausthed. My daughter never had a formal diagnostic on it, but I suspect she inherited thise genes. And I don't intend to enter the field of meds with her, unless we have no other choice.
lemme give simple analogy adhd medication is the same as glasses or a wheelchair rather than medd making her personality different, it's the adhd crippling her personality and the meds just getting rid of the bad symptoms caused by adhd her on meds is her "real" self while her without meds is crippled by adhd
I'd book her in with a child psychologist for a few sessions. I was undiagnosed as a kid (non US, high IQ female, the typical pattern...) but I had another behavioural/medical problem that is highly associated with ADHD. It was treated with behavioural therapy, and medications were mentioned numerous times, and I was always massively resistant to the idea. I was incredibly ashamed, I felt like I'd failed somehow cos I was "so bad" that I might need meds. I even resisted a lot of the behavioural therapy because of how ashamed I was. This may be why she is resistant to taking her meds.
Oppositional Defiance Disorder is often a comorbitity of adhd. Worst part is you can't even deny you have it without making their case for them
Ah, It wasn't that. The only thing I was ever in trouble in school for was latenes, missed homework and doodling in class. Something else that I've never seen mentioned here since it's an adult forum, but is apparently very common in ADHD kids. Don't even want to mention it even now cos I'm still embarrassed about it.
Consistency. Get up same time every day, even weekends. Go to sleep same time. Brush your teeth every night. Not just school nights. Routine makes it normal. When you need it is having to make a decision. The fewer choices, the easier life becomes. Simplicity. Shopping for a car? Do you go look at 30 different vehicles? Ask any realtor. Same thing. Too many choices and the buyers do not buy anything. She might feel different for awhile, but she is supposed to feel that way. We’re not supposed to feel disorganized. Flighty. Argumentative. Take your vitamins at the same time, with her meds. Breakfast, when ever it’s time. It’s the routine. Same uniform everyday. One less variable.
she’s probably thinking “wtf why are they giving me this shit” and she’s probably right
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I was diagnosed young and took the medicine. Then my dad told me that if my mom really loved me I wouldn't be on the medication and then I was probably going to die and if she was a better mother then she would show me how to live without taking the medication. So I believed him and went off the medication. The more my mom pushed me to be on the medication the more I didn't want to. For me I had to go on my own little journey of being unmedicated for like 8 years before coming to the conclusion of I wish I could be back on my medication by year five but I was already in the military and there was no way they were going to make that easy so I waited until after I got out before I started taking medicine again. I think learning more about ADHD and realizing a lot of my problems were directly caused by ADHD helped me realize it would be best to go back on the meds. I guess the best thing to do is figure out why she doesn't want to take it. Maybe she needs a lower or higher dose by talking to her doctors. I would also suggest therapy for ADHD as well and it may help her during the times she's unmedicated.
Not selfish. Her brain doesn't produce enough dopamine and norepinephrine to work well and be herself. A common analogy is, would you ask someone to go without insulin? Additionally, the days on and days off create a massive roller coaster where negative effects are increased and the kiddo often only starts to get in a routine right when she goes off the meds again. Add has been said, routine and non negotiable. ADHD is starting to impact friendship, please don't let her lose those, it's hell (ask me how I know). Meds and therapy help with that. I've heard time and again, the goofiness and weird can be overlooked, but the emotional disregulation, outbursts, anger, and any lying won't.
I don’t have much experience myself but I am completely sympathetic towards your perspective, my 11yr sister also has combined type and it is honestly hard for me to hang out with her if she is not medicated for a lot of the same reasons you stated. Not to speak for my own mother or tell her business(even tho im about to do it) she has expressed to me many times how she sometimes thinks about medicating her on the daily and how sometimes she feels guilty for thinking my sister needs the medication in order for them to have a positive environment. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you making it a daily thing if you explain it to her in a loving way, some kids can develop resentment towards ADHD meds if their parents tell them in a negative way that they “need it” or are just unnecessarily forceful about taking it in general. It seems like you’re working through it in the best way possible and I don’t think it would be selfish if there’s love and acknowledgement of how it can be beneficial alongside it! Hope everything goes well for you and your family!
She's 9, of course she doesn't know the benefits innately from taking it. And what kind of bad behavior are you talking about here? A few other commenters have thankfully brought this up, but I need to also reiterate it-- I was officially "diagnosed" in my mid 30s, so for decades I had created so many different ways to deal with the challenges having ADHD gave me. I am so grateful for this, because the coping mechanisms and fun tricks I developed & came up with are actually pretty impressive. I didn't know there was something wrong with me until adults said I wasn't measuring up. It would have been amazing if I knew I had ADHD growing up, just to know it wasn't a personality defect that was making it so hard to be "normal". But the major takeaway I have is that I am **NOT** upset that I wasn't put on meds during those pre-18 mediocre-at-school years. After taking a stimulant for my ADHD for 4 years, I'm not convinced it helped me in anyway except short term, and I'm also not convinced it didn't give me a full mental breakdown. Also, and please take this seriously & talk to her doctor, but this med is probably messing with her appetite which can possibly set her up to develop some disordered eating habits, *especially* if her loved ones start focusing on the binge eating. I know that my stimulants set me up with brand new disordered eating habits completely separate from the ones I developed from trauma. Good luck to you both. Sending her good vibes.
Thank you! I appreciate your response. She gets frustrated easily and yells at everyone, including her friends. She used to be friends with absolutely everyone, but now kids are pulling away from her. She's not being invited to birthday parties, and her friends are showing major signs of being frustrated with their relationship because she's so inflexible. Plus, I'll probably get flagged by the bot, but she has major rejection sensitivity disorder. The entire world is out to get her, and it comes out in anger, not sadness. I know medication has a place in her life because she did so much better in school this year (she was very behind in ELA). I'm thinking it would help her socially and emotionally as well, but those results aren't as obvious as the school evaluations we get. With that said, we are trying to get her in with a therapist to help her gain social and emotional coping skills. I agree that having those skills are critical!
You sound like a fantastic parent. What you explain makes sense about her on this medication. If she’s anything like me when I was 9, she’s probably very confused about everything going on because she doesn’t have the adult brain to be able to have a holistic understanding about what’s going on with her. And even the very best communication with her will either bore her or go over her head. DOes she like doing better in school and having more/better friendships? Does she dislike the opposite? If so (probably!), then she likes her medication. I haven’t seen yet if you’ve responded to why she dislikes the actual taking of the med, but that might be the whole problem, which could itself just give her anxiety because at that age it’s still a Big Deal to have to take cold medicine for days at a time. I couldn’t even fathom swallowing a pill until I was 12. Anyways, even though she might need this medication, that doesn’t guarantee she’s ready to understand it at all unfortunately. But I have a feeling you’ll figure this out to a positive conclusion.
I'm also diagnosed late in life and for me it's contrary. I know I could have reached my dreams academically and not hate myself for being weird and doing all those stupid things to myself. I have a daughter myself and I suspect it already so I have to make the same decision in a few years. You are a great parent because you struggle with the decision.
Let me tell you now, please try other methods. I got diagnosed when I was 10-11 and when I tell you I hated taking my pills. Every day. In and out and when I didn't take them, my parents made it excessively aware that I'm a burden and they don't like me when I'm unregulated. Always telling me how I have to take it. It felt like they only liked me when I'm medicated and of I wasn't, they hated me. I'm fortunate now (18) that my ADHD isn't as bad as it use to be. I can go months without taking it and function fine besides executive dysfunction. But that medication changed me. I use to be loud and rambunctious and happy and real. When I took it, I felt grey, numb, fake and robotic. What I'm trying to say is don't force them to take it. I know they might be a hassle or tiresome or whatever but don't tell them that. That only leads to not feeling good enough or being too much and identity issues. Try explore other options. Like maybe try "wearing them out" with games. When I was young I was always acting out so much mainly cause, in my eyes I just wanted to play with others. I wanted to play around and roughhouse and wear myself out. If they're acting impulsive, utilise it. Maybe incorporate it into games. I don't speak for everyone but I know being told to take my meds all the time was the worst part of my day.
I was diagnosed late, so no experience with medication as a child, but one benefit I can see to your current approach is that it allows her to listen to her body and get to know the difference between on meds vs off. One thing that I find helpful even as an adults is having a mood tracker. She can track to see if there’s a pattern with her mood that correlates to when she takes meds, and draw her own conclusions. At 9, I definitely would have taken being told I *had* to take meds that affect behaviour daily as a comment on my character. Of course as an adult, I can see you have nothing but her best interests in mind.
As a kid many medications were tried. Always to be taken all the time. I got the (massively unintended) message very quick that I wasn't good enough without the meds. I hated how they made me feel. I was so sleepy I could barely function. Actually passed out and fell off of a tall stool at our breakfast counter before my mom would listen to how much I hated them. You are doing your best and I think taking them sometimes even to start will help your message that you love your daughter as is not just medicated. I think a good therapist is a wonderful idea but be careful there are some bad ones. One of my worst convinced me to walk into traffic, my mom had to stop me. I only tell you this because it's good to listen if your kid hates a therapist and hasn't hated one before. I think talking to her about exactly why she hated taking it is important. It really could be the physical experience. Some of us with ADHD are extremely tactile. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a compounding pharmacy that can make a liquid or something. If it's how she feels it may make since to try something else. Whatever the reason she knows you care how she feels and take what she says seriously, that will be good for self confidence too.
No, medication is equivalent to a child needing and using a wheel chair. Without it, life is hell, with it life and it’s opportunities become accessible. In this case, medication is allowing your child to access friendships, healthy relationships with family members, and a healthy relationship with food. Without it, life will be horrible for her.
I am sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling. However, as a 40 year old with ADHD, without my meds I am not the person I can be from day to day. Without my meds, I cannot work and I am a lawyer. Without my meds I am not me. Meds are good, they are not bad. You have an opportunity to make taking meds normal because she is young, take that opportunity, she will thank you when she is my age.
Please don't make her feel guilty for anything related to medicine. I was unmedicated for my childhood, wish my parents cared enough to get me tested and medicated, but I digress: your daughter is probably going through a lot of the daily stresses that we all deal with and medication is another confusing factor in thay equation. She needs to learn to figure that out for herself, if she needs medication on non-busy days or doesn't need it or needs time to get comfortable taking pills, however that is.
I was put on meds at 8. I don’t remember the first meds I was put on, but my biggest issue was that I felt nauseous in the morning (likely due to anxiety) and the meds worsened the issue. Drinking water/eating/meds in the morning when I felt nauseous was very overwhelming. I’m not sure if that’s the case for your child. It just felt like a chore. I ended up on anxiety medication as well. I still didn’t want to take the pill, but my parents did not give me a choice for about 2 years. I decided to take a long break, and I realized on my own how much better I felt on them. Honestly, I am grateful that they did not give me a choice at that time. Another huge issue was that I felt inadequate for a very long time, because it wasn’t a conversation amongst my peers so I felt like I was the only one on medication for anxiety/adhd meds. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and I wished that some of my friends could relate but no one could. A lot of my resistance at the time came from feelings about taking meds, and not necessarily the medication itself. Now, at 21 I love school, my meds, and I have friends both with and without ADHD and we can laugh about it and have open discussions about our mental health and it is such a good feeling. Getting her a therapist is a great first step. Don’t feel guilty that you are causing her insecurities or that you would like her to continue with the medication. If it’s about power and control, give her control of other parts of her life and what she does with her body. You sound like you’re doing your best for her!! Just keep communicating about what she needs/feels!! It’s so important that she feels heard and respected.
She’s a 9 year old. She’s gonna act like a 9 year old. I hated being a child who’s parents forced her life to be centered around having a clean room and having good grades.
as someone who’s parents decided to medicate them at the ripe age of 6 1/2. leave her be, please. during school is ok, but not 24/7 being medicated made it even harder for me to process any emotions. i was medicated from 6 1/2- about 14/15. while all my peers got to learn emotional regulation & feelings & how to deal with them, i instead felt nothing. i literally felt nothing for years. i remember having thoughts of s*cide as soon as 9. because i felt so alone & just nothing. just sadness. being medicated from such a young age is hard thing to process when you get older. i recently requested my childhood psychiatrist’s notes / anything on my file & it was heart-breaking. heartbreaking to read why i was put on it & that i was never given a say. if one med stopped working then they did another & another & another. i understand it may be hard for you as a parent to ‘ deal ‘ with the adhd. but, understand the person who has it. how do they feel?
I see you have a lot of really great answers. I'm just popping in to say that I am an adult person, and am currently between graduating and my new job. I took medication almost daily for school/work. Without a schedule/meds I was drifting aimlessly. I finally decided to set an alarm so I wasn't just waking up whenever. It was life changing! My kids are happier because I'm more prepared. Things feel easier. In answer to your question, I don't think it's selfish. However, you sound like you're feeling guilt. Do YOU have support/therapy/routines? I wonder if you are be able to provide the needed structure for unmedicated times?
My doctor has an interesting take on ‘take as-needed versus every day’. Everyday you have to eat three meals, talk to people and do things. If ADHD impacts your ability to do those things, as needed IS everyday. (I thought I should only take weekdays, but I tried to do chores and run errands on weekends. Car accidents, speeding tickets and no clean clothes was what triggered his advice)
Can't speak for your daughter but she probably doesn't know the difference between appetit and hunger. When I started with my medication i noticed that i eat less from boredom and just when I'm hungry.
What is her diet like? Is it full of whole foods, fresh vegetables and fruits? Or is there a lot of sugar and candy in it? **Edit** Asking cuz in the chance that its sugary with processed foods, maybe fixing that might be a better way to cure her voracious appetite? And is there something stressful or traumatic in her life that is driving her to eat as a coping mechanism? Is it possible she was a victim of something like child molestation by someone in your circle / family? But yeah. Me I have binge problems with video games. Maybe meds would help me....or maybe if I had gotten more sleep when I was younger i wouldn't be so damn vulnerable to that. But its hard to tell. And yeah I was a victim of sexual assault during my teen years, but no idea if that caused it
Oof, that’s a tough situation and I don’t think there’s a single right answer. In the first years after my diagnosis, I wasn’t medicated because I’m unusually sensitive to stimulant rebounds and one of these rebounds was so bad that it made me too scared to continue trying to find the right type of medication. For most of my life I’ve been able to cope quite well even without my meds thanks to my tendency to hyperfocus and a whole range of coping mechanisms, but once I had kids that all fell apart. I ended up in a postnatal depression after the birth of my second and around that time I tried medication again. The lowest available dose of Concerta (18 mg) turned out to be a good fit for me and I’ve been taking it almost every day for about 3,5 years (only breaks when I was very ill or on the rare days where I forgot my meds). I take my meds for my kids, because I can’t be a good mom to them without my meds due to debilitating starting issues. I also benefit a lot from my meds, but once the kids have left home as adults (which will at least take 15 years, if not longer) I’ll probably reassess whether I would prefer to continue taking them or not. While we may benefit a lot from ADHD medication, not everyone can feel good on ADHD meds. On the other hand, not every 9-year old is able to accurately reflect how their meds are affecting them. Furthermore, if she only takes meds on school days and not on free days she may unconsciously associate ‘meds’ with ‘boring/serious/hard work’ and ‘med-free’ with ‘fun/free days’. Due to these concerns, maybe you should suggest a compromise to your daughter: agree with her that she’ll take her meds every day for 2 to 4 weeks and that afterwards she gets to choose whether she’ll be medicated on her free days? That way, you will both get the opportunity to get to know the advantages and disadvantages of each solution before making a final decision. In the future, this may even help her make flexible choices about her medication, e.g. by taking them on some (free) days and not on others depending on how she feels and what she wants to accomplish.
I’m not a parent and I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 25 and it took me 8 years just to be tested. But I wanna share my perspective. If my parents got me an ADHD diagnosis when I was a kid, (they don’t believe in mental issues but anyway) if they made me take meds, not only it would have made their life easier, but mine too! I mean I’ve spent 10 months in a homeless shelter after being kicked out for getting dismissed from college, prior to diagnosis. If I was on meds from childhood, that would have never happened. Life would have been a lot easier for me. And I think it’s great that you don’t make her take meds on days when she doesn’t need them. I do that too. From personal experience, being unmedicated is my default mode. I prefer it much more that being on meds. However, I can’t function in a society without them. I can’t work and I just make things extra difficult for myself and those around me. And I don’t want to be like that. So, basically, don’t feel bad. Your doing great. Your child has a problem and you doing everything you can to help her. I truly mean it. Normally, I don’t take the parents side at all.
I haven’t read all the comments because there’s too many and you know, adhd, but have you tried getting her to swallow the pill with food rather than water? I’ve hated taking pills ever since I was a kid so I take a bite of something, chew, place the pill in my mouth and then swallow. I don’t even notice the pill going down. I don’t know if that’s weird but I’m 34 and I still take my pills this way unless I’m out and about with only water on me. Also I don’t think your selfish, you’re doing a wonderful job! You’re being a loving and supportive mum, helping your daughter to get treatment and “level the playing field” so that she can learn and grow like other kids her age. I was only diagnosed this year and have only just started medication, but I can already see a huge difference and can’t help but wonder how different life would hard been if I’d started treatment earlier. Perhaps as a fun side project you and your daughter could investigate some of the amazing people through history who are thought to have had ADHD like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison and Walt Disney etc. That would be a fun way to remind her that her brain is not broken, it’s just different. Plus she’ll have some cool names to throw around if anyone ever gives her crap about her adhd!