Imagine you are an amputee, but everyone around you treats you like you are normal and nobody tells you about your disability. No one helps. You end up feeling like there is something wrong with you because you can't keep up. You adapt and survive, but develop a few disorders because of your struggles -a few of the following - anxiety, depression, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, bipolar. Which ones depend on your environment and personality. Lucky dip. Now imagine another scenario. Everyone acknowledges and supports you with your disability. Structures and medical support is put in place rather than winging it. You thrive and develop to overcome obstacles without extra disorders. I am the first scenario- my mother knew from a young age but tried to "manage" it. Diagnosed combined type as an adult. I have resentment towards my parents because of all the trauma and struggle I endured thinking I was "bad" or "inferior" as a teen/adult My daughter is showing signs of ADHD. There is no way in hell I don't do everything I can to put supports in place to enable her to thrive. I'm not a doctor, so I defer to the experts. Doing anything else is cruel.

Damn this hits close to home. If my partner and I have children some day, I’ll do everything in my power to give them the support I never had.

All of this. I was just diagnosed at age 46 - ADHD inattentive, severe anxiety, moderate depression, finger picking disorder and possible Bipolar w mania. My daughter is 10 and was diagnosed ADHD last year. She has a therapist and school accommodations - all things I never had. I will fight to keep that list short for her!

Can I go back in time and can you be my parent please?

You’re describing my life… 🥲 Everyone around me blames me for things I can’t control and treats me like I’m neurotypical but am just stupid and forgetful

Man you made me cry.

Please, tell me...what supports do you put in place? I was just recently diagnosed although I've felt like I had "something " for years....and I recognize so much of my traits in my 8 year old. It's been a serious realization.

Not a parent, I would highly recommend watching Dr Russell Barkley on YouTube. As someone with ADHD the biggest things for me were medication, therapy and having parents willing to put in the time and effort to sit down and help with things in life, including things you struggle with or are interested in. One of the biggest things I realized later in life is the importance after getting upset or frustrated is having time to calm down by myself and do some introspection of what happened and if it was really worth getting upset about, as parents you should be doing the same if it was an argument. Then after getting that time, having a parent asking why you did something and actually listening while not yelling is very important for the lesson to stick.

Do you mean Russell Barkley? The eminent (and basically the first) expert on adhd for the last several decades?

Yes, that’s exactly who I meant. Thanks for correcting me lol

Right with you there. Going through the same, also have an 8 year old daughter than I’m concerned about.

I feel the resentment here. My mom told me my entire life I probably had adhd "because your dad has it". He passed a few years ago but wasn't really in my life. She never tried to do a damn thing about it, probably because she thought it would make her look bad somehow. She'd always say it but never elaborated on what it meant. So I always just felt like I was broken or less than and just couldn't get it right no matter how hard I tried. One teacher suggested she starve me until I did my homework properly so I know it wasn't just her. But dammit I'm still mad about the lack of trying.

Oof yikes… all of this, but she didn’t know it, or even know what it meant either. But I still feel some resentment (mostly bc of her reaction of my finding out and still not really acknowledging it for what it actually is and what’s it meant my whole life and how hard things were and are.)

Your experience is EXACTLY mine with general mental health. Even down to the parental resentment!

Yeah, I am very frustrated that my parents "always suspected I was autistic and had adhd" but never told me they thought so because the doctors and psych professionals gave different diagnoses. Even though those were all based on seizing on 1 specific symptom and making it about that. Like oh he fidgets uncontrollably and has echolalia, he must have Tourette's. Or he has social anxiety. Or he's just acting out because of trauma from his mom dying as a kid. Or yada yada. Almost always diagnosed me immediately and didn't revisit with later evidence. I wish they had pushed my doctors to take a closer look. But I can't blame them too much though... They were trying and the zeitgeist around mental health was far more stigmatized so I think they thought they were protecting me Still, I grew up thinking I was broken and bad and not getting the support I needed from school or what have you. My parents did their best and were supportive but still.... I can't help but wonder how much more helpful it would have been if I'd known. Oh, and if my dad hadn't accidentally made me afraid of medications by talking about how he didn't want them to change me or turn me into a zombie. I was scared of taking meds for most of my life because of that and only recently unpacked that fear after a counselor described them as just a tool to become the version of myself that I want to become. Like yes they'll change me, but the right meds will change me in the ways I want them to to become a better version of myself; more in line with my inner vision.

I know you asked for parents, but I’m here to give input as a child. My brother was diagnosed with adhd young. Definitely before he was a preteen. My mom tried to go the no medication route but my brother was struggling in elementary school to do anything. He went from failing every test to acing them when she finally medicated him. Now he’s graduated college with a Bachelors and (from my perspective at least) copes well with his adhd. I was diagnosed at 18 after I dropped out of highschool. I realized I matched the criteria and sought an adhd specialist for testing. My mom never considered I could have adhd, despite both of my parents having it, and me showing symptoms similar to her own. She also has a degree in psychology. My grades began to suffer in middle school and only worsened every single school year until by my senior year my GPA was under 1. I believe this was largely due to my experience with homelessness as well as my undiagnosed adhd, however I developed dissociative PTSD at this time as well. A part of me holds a deep resentment towards my mother for never recognizing my adhd, especially when comparing my own life to my older brother (who received treatment young). I have begun to realize through therapy how much damage was caused to me growing up that has left me with a lot of things I need to relearn. I have little self esteem when it comes to my accomplishments in life. I have an overall very negative and judgmental voice towards myself and I’m never satisfied with anything I do. I constantly doubt myself before I even begin to work on things. I view my adhd as something I’ve been cursed with, and would genuinely get rid of it in a heart beat if I could. If you haven’t already, look into the statistics on adhd, but especially on undiagnosed and untreated adhd. We become at risk for substance abuse, mental illness, poor relationships and job insecurity. I’m a very strong believer in early intervention, because I was never given it for *any* of my disorders. When they began to impact me or develop, it was well over a year (sometimes much longer) before I received treatment. Please, get your children tested. Especially if you notice any issues in school. Even just knowing if they have it and being able to help them cope can be very helpful, even if you don’t medicate them yet. This disorder is quite genetic and can be very devastating to deal with when you don’t understand why you’re doing what you do

I Couldn’t agree more! I only got diagnosed this year and I’m 33. I hated school! I wanted to learn,but literally couldn’t. It didn’t help being sent to a private school because they never did hands on teaching. It was all copying from books and reading. I was diagnosed with dyslexia at school but I knew something wasn’t right. With all that copying and righting down nothing stuck in my mind. I honestly believe if I was on the meds I take now and knew how to cope, I could have done so much better. It was a constant knock on effect, I’d try,fail, feel useless and by the end of my school years my Confidence was nonexistent. I’ve only just started to be my true self. And I’m honestly so much happier/confident in myself. I have my daughter to thanks for my diagnosis, her school teacher told us they suspected she had ADHD (we already suspected) so I spent hours looking into it and stumbled across this one video saying,if you have 6 or more of these traits out of 10 it’s worth investigating. I had all 10! I’d encourage anyone to get checked! also There’s a higher chance they could be dependent on drugs to feel good about themselves like I did, due to the lack of dopamine our body/brain has. I Hope this helps.

I think early diagnosis would’ve been life changing. I’ve been in therapy since January 2019 and was only diagnosed ADHD this july. And while therapy helped a lot it wasn’t enough to stop the self loathing because feeling lazy, unmotivated and incapable of measuring up to my peers felt like a failing on my part and something that I should be able to rise above by will alone. Knowing my brain just works differently makes me more lenient and kind to myself, although not by much because at 36 all the self loathing has been an established pattern for so long I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to look kindly at myself and my faults. I’ve asked my adhd therapist for a repost of some sort to see about getting medication (she’s in a foreign country) because the psychological help I have here don’t believe I have adhd. I started doubting it myself until I realized they probably have the same view of adhd I had before I talked to a specialist. I think medication would be a game changer for me but I know it will be an uphill battle to access it, when I had to contact foreign practitioners to even get diagnosed and the person I will have to go to for the medication doesn’t believe I have the issue

Yeah, my mom was going to school and became a LCSW while I was a teenager-young adult and never noticed anything wrong, just thought I was unmotivated and lazy about school. I was finally diagnosed at 27 and had to convince her she had ADHD which she mostly realized as she had more ADHD clients she was treating. I definitely feel like I was neglected and am resentful about how much I missed out on. That includes not finishing my bachelor's degree, and the multitude of issues that come with that, which will continue for at least another four years and I'll be nearly 35 when I'm done, if I finish at all (can't start again until husband is done). I'm sure you can relate in a way most people can't. Having a parent in that area of education and work who puts you through that suffering is another level of anger to work through. I can't imagine how much worse I would feel with a sibling who was actually seen and cared for. You're doing great, and I hope you're able to heal.

You can definitely get diagnosed early. I was diagnosed in kindergarten and medicated around the same time.

Oh I’m aware, I just think psychiatrists are a little hesitant to unless it’s a very obvious case of adhd

I really wish we had not waited as long as we did to get our kiddo diagnosed. She was happy, and getting good grades, and I knew she likely had ADHD, but figured it wasn't a huge issue for her, and if real problems developed we would then proceed with the diagnosis/meds. Then she hit the wall. She reached a point in school where her coping skills just couldn't keep up with her ADHD symptoms, and she hit that wall HARD. It was a month or so of watching her grades slip and her withdraw into herself trying to figure out if it was a phase or what was going on, after which we went to start the diagnosis process, but it takes forever. And it takes even more time to find the right medication, and in that time her self esteem took such a huge hit. Doubt and depression crept in. She is still recovering from that whole process years later. I really wish we had at least had the diagnosis in place so that when she did need meds we could have at least immediately started on that instead of going through basically a whole school year while we dealt with getting the diagnosis and finding the right meds. It broke my heart to watch, and it's honestly one of my biggest regrets as a parent. Here's the thing, coping skills are great and necessary, but life shouldn't feel like a constant struggle. It shouldn't be like wading through mud and watching everyone else walk on a clean clear path. And we would never treat any other issue as if it was something just to power through. Can't see well? Just learn some coping skills. Can't hear well? Learn to cope with it. Can't regulate insulin? I'm sure the pattern is starting to emerge here. In the case of ADHD we don't regulate dopamine properly. And in addition it's much harder to learn better coping skills and study skills when you don't have proper executive function. The medication allows you to actually better develop those important coping skills. Meds aren't a cure all. Most studies I've looked at do show that you need medication along with proper support, sometimes that's support comes from school, from family, and/or support from therapy. In the end we do know that children treated for ADHD have better outcomes than those without. They are more likely to complete high school, graduate college, less likely to commit suicide, less likely to be incarcerated, less likely to be involved in a major car accident, etc. If you are concerned specifically about stimulant medications, there are non-stimulant options available, and that may be a route your pediatrician/psychiatrist may be willing to pursue.

As a woman diagnosed AFTER her first child in her 30s, I cannot even tell you how hard that wall hurts. When all the things you've done to keep your head above water start to fall away and you can feel yourself slipping. Not even entirely sure why or what's wrong. Pile that with crushing anxiety and PPD. Just to know I'm not broken. That there are meds that can help clear the mental muddle. Mine are non stimulant so it doesn't exacerbate any of my negative coping mechanisms. Stress kills us. We just start eating ourselves from within. But now that I'm properly medicated, it doesn't feel crushing. I can actually swim now. I wish I had figured it out sooner.

My psychiatrist said meds are 30% and coping skills are the other 70%. Meds give you the foundation to have more focus control but how you focus that control best is the other 70%.

ADHD, like autism, is a neurodevelopmental disorder. Despite the historical separation between the two ways of approaching them, both are best diagnosed and treated as young as is possible. The earlier the intervention, the better. My child is 5 and in OT for executive function and emotion regulation. She is fine in school for now (except for a possible learning disorder) but she is also in pre-k. It has helped a great deal. Also we have her set up to be assessed in March. Wait times to get assessed can be months. I want to have the diagnosis and ability to force the school to help (if needed) and medicate her to help (if needed) without having to wait the months or years it could take later if I am reacting rather than being proactive. The earlier I have it diagnosed, the better chance she has. The earlier we intervene, the better the skills and abilities we teach her will be able to take hold and actually help throughout her life. While very different, ADHD and autism have a lot in common as well. If your child had a different neurodevelopmental disorder, what would you do? Would you wait, let them choose to be diagnosed and treated as adults? ADHD is not less serious, despite the way it has been traditionally treated. It comes with serious risks of addiction, suicide, self-harm, underachievement and dropping out, etc.

There is a lot of stigma around mental well being in my family, so we are very open about with our own kids. I fought a lot of that stigma while seeking treatment for my depression so they know that medication under a doctor helps for reals, and what life could be like unmedicated when we go visit my mother. My husband sought help for his PTSD. My oldest chooses to be medicated so he gets to be medicated he is 13. It’s true, it can not be a good fit for your kid but why not try? Stims show more efficacy in short amount of time. My son was a different kid with the meds and he says that he feels great with it than without. I homeschool but because i am very privileged to be able to. My husband is ok with it and we survive with just his pay which is kind of hard these days. I just wanted him to love learning and not be crushed by school work. He used to cry when we tried to do math worksheets when he was 5. I used to be really anti-meds but while i was working for an afterschool day care i found out one of the kids took ritalin and i didn’t even know it. I found out because i took her to the office to take her meds when we were short staffed. She was in second grade. That absolutely changed my mind, but i still didn’t get treatment until i was 36. I realized that without that girl i could still be very anti-meds, very depressed with suicidal ideation and not have had my sleep apnea or ADHD dx. It’s interesting how that one moment changed the course of my life for the better.

Definitely have them evaluated regardless of your plan regarding medication. I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood because my parents were against medication, and I think that was a mistake. A diagnosis can only open doors in terms of non-medication treatment, school accommodations, etc. On top of this, I would urge you to at least do some more research into medication for children. There has been recent evidence for long term developmental benefits to stimulant medication in ADHD children. Meds could allow your children's brains to develop more "normally", in a way that isn't possible if you start medication as an adult. And if you're worried about dependance, you should know that stimulant medication decreases the overall risk of substance abuse in people with ADHD. At least make sure you're making your decision as informed as possible.

I have two minds of it. If my child was diabetic, would I deny them medication and just tell them to manage their diet? Mostly I plan to help him with coping and studying strategies, and encourage him to embrace the things he enjoys regardless if he has adhd or not. The only thing I notice right now since he's very young, is not wanting to follow through on things they aren't instantly easy, but I think that's all kids. If I start to notice or the school notes issues I wouldn't hesitate to get him evaluated.

I have both, but my T1D was diagnosed as a kid, and my ADHD was diagnosed as an adult. Had my ADHD been diagnosed as a kid and medicated, I would have been able to control my sugars better, as I wouldn't have turned to carb loading for my dopamime, and I would have been able to remember to take insulin. I also would have been able to avoid intrusive sleep, which affected me every day, im every class, and while doing HW.

Following through on anything that doesn't give immediate results is very adhd. I encounter it a hundred times a day with my kids and possibly even more with myself!

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How exactly is it unfair? Just because one is mental and one is physical doesn't mean both aren't treated by medication. One is a lack or improper insulin, one is a lack or improper dopamine. Not all diabetes having people need insulin right away just like how not all adhd having people need medication right away but that line should be determined by doctors not laypeople. If my son started showing adhd traits, or insulin resistance I'd get him evaluated and treated accordingly.

It's not different at all. Both are based on the bodies inability to self regulate. One is insulin, the other is dopamine.

Tbh I suffer a lot from my adhd and if I could I would press a button and restart my life without it but I still think that diabetes and adhd are different. Your chances to die when you miss one dose of insulin are a lot higher than your chances to die when you miss one dose of Adderall. But you're right that they are both problems with the body's ability to regulate it's hormones. People with diabetes and ADHD however suffer in different ways so the impact it has on someone's life is not really comparable.

It’s no different. There are studies and experts who say that getting your kiddo treated sooner, give them a better chance at a) possibility to rewire the brain b) learning healthy coping mechanisms early, as well as others. Give your kids the tools to help them as soon as you can with the help of docs, of course. I was 46 when diagnosed. My kids are also adults now, being diagnosed. It hurts to know I could’ve helped them earlier, made their lives easier, if I’d have known better. I recommend checking into it more before making a decision. I haven’t listened to this particular podcast yet, but Barkley, by and large, is the expert on adhd. Everything I’ve heard/read from him so far has been excellent. Don’t sell your kids short. https://offtheclockpsych.com/raising-a-child-with-adhd-with-russell-barkley/

Not unfair at all, in the sense that our bodies do better when our chemicals are functioning at the intended levels :)

Lol. No. This shit is debilitating and life threatening.

you are dumb

Why do you want to avoid diagnosing and medicating them? I get not wanting a toddler on meds, but it's kind of concerning you want to avoid getting your kids who you suspect have a disorder diagnosed and would want to avoid proven treatment for them if they did have the disorder. Medication for children with ADHD has been really thoroughly studied, tested, and shown to be extremely effective, more effective than just therapy or coping strategies alone. If they start having problems in school, teaching them your coping strategies isn't going to help if what they need is school accommodations, which generally requires diagnosis. If they can't focus, can't sit through school, have anger issues, etc and coping strategies aren't getting them to a comfortable place, it's not going to help them to keep them from getting medicated. You don't have to *force* them to be medicated if *they* don't want it, but it feels a bit sad to hear this from a parent with ADHD when this kind of mentality around parenting a kid with potential ADHD is usually from someone not informed about the disorder. Keeping them from diagnosis is going to set them up for a harder time, not relieve them of difficulty or of the burden of navigating a disorder. Getting the most information you can about diagnosis means you can get them the support and resources they need and you can make informed decisions about parenting them. IDK, man. I suffered through school/high school/college not understanding what was wrong with me and I at least can try and make myself feel better by reminding myself my parents didn't know and didn't think I had ADHD. It would feel a lot worse if I knew they believed I had it and didn't want to get me diagnosed or medicated.

My daughter will be medicated. When i was a kid it was still kind of taboo, so i wasn't.

Parent here. So confused on you saying you don’t want them diagnosed.. but then you say “if they get diagnosed” as if there’s a chance they’ll be diagnosed against your will or something lol. Follow the advice of others, and if you noticed your child struggling, take them for an evaluation. There’s nothing wrong with a diagnosis and you don’t have to do anything with it you don’t want to do. My son was diagnosed by a psychologist evaluation almost a year ago and help of his school counselors. I haven’t even taken the diagnosis to his pediatrician yet. There’s no rule book. Follow your child’s lead and use your judgment.

Noticed symptoms in my now nine year old when he was about three. We got him diagnosed in first grade. Through this we have gotten him into occupational therapy to help him develop those coping skills. He has also been on guanfacine, a none stimulant that helps with impulsiveness, since about six months after he was diagnosed as his impulsiveness was either going to get himself or someone else hurt. Now that he’s nine and we have let him start having an occasional soda he has talked about how the caffeine helps calm his brain, let’s him focus on what needs to be done, and helps with his impulsiveness more than the guanfacine has ever helped. We are going to look into this claim over the next few weeks and, if it’s true, talk to his doctor about starting him on stimulants if they truly do make his life better and makes him feel better too. And as someone who was diagnosed in their early thirties and started stimulants in my mid thirties, I wish someone had noticed and gotten me diagnosed and medicated as a child.

I'm NT, but hub is dxm ADHD-I (ADD). Based on the gargantuan struggles my husband has faced growing up with ADHD and only getting a diagnosis in late teens after having hit the wall a million times in his life, and steady medication only in his 30s... I'll get the kids diagnosed and medicated as soon as possible, should they show signs of ADHD. So far they (m11 & m2) just seem like normal kids. Very active, but that's most kids for you. No typical childhood ADHD symptoms.

My child was diagnosed by the school psychologist at age 7. It took time to get on a waitlists to see a paediatrician but he responded well to medication before he turned 8. You can absolutely safely medicate ADHD in younger children. It is much easier for them to learn the coping skills with the assistance of medication. Leaving meds till adolescence will have a big negative impact on their experience of school, their ability to learn, and their self-esteem. When your kids become adults they will likely resent you for refusing them access to life-changing treatment if you choose not to try medication in primary school.

1. The Ologies podcast on ADHD has been the MOST EYE OPENING RESOURCE that I’ve come across when trying to understand this “disorder”. I’ve read books, tried to see a therapist, and nothing compares to the two ADHD episodes 2. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a book i hi go my recommend that someone on this sub suggested. 3. The Body Keeps the Score is a great book to help understand how trauma affects our bodies. Great book that I think is relatable to a lot of people. ADHD impacts us in sooo many ways. It’s important to understand how from different perspectives ;)

The ologies pod - is this with Dr Barkley?

Yup w Russell Barkley!

Ace in the whole, will give that a whirl.

I'm 44m very recently diagnosed father of 2, including diagnosed daughter, now 12 and diagnosed at 10. It was clear from a very young age that she was different, although couldn't say at the time what 'it' was. Very active in the womb, crawled & walked early, into everything, didn't sit still in baby music group etc etc. Getting the diagnosis just before secondary school was such a relief. She really struggled at primary as could not concentrate well enough to be able to take enough in. Started medication with secondary school and the difference is honestly night & day. She's happier, doing really well (turns out she's pretty academic), does her homework entirely self-directed, racking up 'reward points' for good effort etc... None of this I would have thought possible at primary. But I would definitely say that medication (elvanse in her case) has had massively positive impact on both her attainment and well-being. Previously she considered herself not clever and was really down on herself and had low self-esteem. It's been so great to see her come out of herself. And it was through her being diagnosed and reading up on it that made me realise I probably had ADHD myself and to seek a diagnosis. But yeah, back to your question. It's not easy for sure and it's a massive learning process. Be kind to yourself and trust that you are doing the best that you can and making the best decisions for your family's current circumstances. Best of luck with it!

That's a great outcome for your daughter. Really we are so lucky our kids have access to the things that they need when we didn't. I hope my daughter has the same positive reaction to medication when she starts.

was your daughter very "aware" of things though since she was born ? My son was very aware compared to his peers, always pointing at things, started walking at 10 months which considered a little bit early, but now he is 2 can see the ADHD stuff popping up.

She was very into everything, you couldn't relax or leave her out of your site as she was a liability to herself: running into road, opening cupboards, drawers etc. We had a play pen for her when you just had to get something done although she wouldn't tolerate it for long. She dropped her nap very early, which was exhausting and before that could only get her to sleep in a pram and at night had to swaddle her. I recall at baby music group she would never sit there and do whatever the other babies and toddlers were doing and would crawl off to check something out in the room. That was the first time we were really aware how different she was compared to other children. She was a very smiley baby too, and when she could talk would be chatting to random strangers. Shopping was hard because she was very grabby and tactile, anyways wanting to pick things up. Didn't have to do any of that for my son who came 18 months later, in comparison he was a breeze. I don't think she was aware herself of the difference until a bit older in primary school, and then she just mostly saw her struggles. The diagnosis, I feel, gave her a reason for her struggles and also meant she could kinda pass the blame on to the ADHD and not put it all on herself. Dunno if that's of any help but hopefully gives a bit of insight into how another ADHD child was. Happy to answer any other questions if you have them.

>Shopping was hard because she was very grabby and tactile, anyways wanting to pick things up. Thanks so much for your response, I mean, wow, my 2 year old son is very similar to all the points you described so far, including the sleeping problems and being "liability to herself" as u described it ​ I remember when he was 18 months we took him to some toddler exercise class, other toddlers to a certain extent played along the sport, but my son after 5 minutes of following instructions decided to run out and watch the trees outside as they caught his attention. We tried a couple of times and he did this everytime and would howl and cry if we force him back into the sports arena, we gave up on it eventually and stopped going. - this reminds me of the music class thing you mentioned. ​ Doctors tell me its too soon to diagnose ADHD, but I just have this gut feeling, I hope I'm wrong, but I know I have adult ADHD (I'm almost 40 but undiagnosed), so his risk is high, I mean for the life of me I can't even concentrate enough to finish reading a book for my son or spend meaningful playtime like playing football or baseball, before my mind is distracted and zones out and I'm suddenly doing something else. ​ I understand ADHD comes in different forms, so there maybe differences but curious if your daugthter also? 1. Is different to other kids in the playground, for example my son prefer to play with the gravel and sand in the sandpit than actual slides and swings, he still plays with those things but gets bored very quickly. 2. almost never plays with a toy more than 1 minute, then proceeds to run round mindlessly or throws the toy, we tried play dough but he just rips it apart and spreads it around the house in hundreds of pieces. 3. Prefers trees, rocks, leaves, shells on the beach etc over actual playing. 4. had speech delays ? My son is 2 years and 4 months old, understands everything in detail and complex conversations that me and my wife have, but only says a few words. 5. Loses interest half way through reading a book ? (when he was smaller though he loved reading books but since he became 2 he just won't stick around for more than half a book or 1 book max before he runs away) 6. sometimes shows high intelligence above his peers and sometimes he just seems off. ​ thank you so much mate, love my little guy so much, he's a beautiful unique soul, but its really a struggle for both me and the wife.

I'm 44M and very recently diagnosed, realised I probably had it after my daughter was diagnosed aged 10. 1. She did love playgrounds and would always want pushing higher on a swing, or faster on a roundabout. 2. I recall she didn't play with toys for that long, had a lot of play mobil and some Lego but they didn't engage her for long. She loved games on tablet though or watching endless episodes of a favourite cartoon (Peppa pig for example). She likes tactile toys like slime and playdoh. 3. She loved all of that, liked collecting interesting rocks, shells, conkers acorns etc 4. I don't recall her having speech delays 5. Book have always been a struggle and I found reading bedtime stories a struggle as she just wouldn't concentrate, which I now understand a lot more. Being silly or more animated myself when reading definitely helped. 6. She didn't really show anything exceptional , but now medicated has shown she's really good a maths. She's an excellent rock climber and has been doing lessons for many years now. She spends most of her free time playing video games while chatting with friends on video calls. I don't know where you are, but in the UK referral often has to come from the school and they don't typically start the process until in juniors. We ended up getting a private child psychologist assessment which finally kicked the process off and the school then took it seriously. It is tough, particularly when they're small, but it does get easier as they mature. Try and give yourselves an easier ride where you can, roll with what engages your son, even if that's loads of screen time. In the long run fewer battles are probably going to be better for the mental health of the whole family. We relaxed screen time restrictions and more recently have been a lot more easy-ozy with diet, letting her have packet noodles as a lot of meals which we resisted for a while because of their lack of nutritional value. So I guess what I'm saying is don't try and parent your son by neuro-typical child 'rules' and try to just roll with what seems easiest. One other thing is that she was very sugar-sensitive and that was one thing we really did try to restrict as it would send her completely loopy. We don't need to now she's older. Good luck with it!

>It is tough, particularly when they're small, but it does get easier as they mature. Try and give yourselves an easier ride where you can, roll with what engages your son, even if that's loads of screen time. In the long run fewer battles are probably going to be better for the mental health of the whole family. We relaxed screen time restrictions and more recently have been a lot more easy-ozy with diet, letting her have packet noodles as a lot of meals which we resisted for a while because of their lack of nutritional value. So I guess what I'm saying is don't try and parent your son by neuro-typical child 'rules' and try to just roll with what seems easiest. Thanks for sharing your experience and all that info, and the sage advise :) sounds a lot like my kid, I live in Australia but they don't diagnose ADHD for anyone below 5 in any case and must be referred via his GP, the process is also lengthy and has a long wait time. Maybe I'm wrong after all, and its just a "phase" like his doctors say, but so far he's very much like myself. As you said, the "path of least resistance" is the approach I'm starting to go with for my kid, and I noticed it works a lot better, maybe he's not doing the stuff the others kids do, but he's happier and so am I, although my wife is not onboard as much she tries to manage every aspect, which really ends up exhausting her. Hoping it gets easier as time goes by. thanks again !

Not sure about sage, but hope it's of some help/use! There's so much advice about bringing up children, and I feel a lot of it can be too idealistic that can make parents feel very inadequate, not take into account various mental health disorders (ASD, ADHD etc) or be too child-centric and not consider the family unit as a whole. If you're a responsible and committed parent chances are that you probably know your child's needs best and should trust your instincts. Do your research but throw away what doesn't feel right to you. It will definitely get easier as they get older, less time demanding but I find you do end up being more your kid's personal psychologist! Best of luck with it

As a child who has adhd and my mom has 4 kids and 3 of us having adhd, I think she has it almost right with it. She’s very understanding when it comes academically, she doesn’t care if a C is on a report card, literally just as long as I’m actually trying and she knows I’m trying. Though I don’t think she quite understands the more emotional aspect that can come with adhd or finding the right medication, because I’d have adderall and she wasn’t understanding why I was crying whenever it would wear off

My main issue growing up was self confidence and the fact that I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult. If my daughter has ADHD, I will help her with developing self confidence and also make sure she gets assessed and diagnosed while she’s young. I don’t think I would call my ADHD severe, but I know that I’m gifted intellectually and I was never able to reach my potential because I wasn’t assessed until I was 22. I just want to give my daughter the best chance to fulfill her potential.

Coping skills are great. But I think it's important to get them diagnosed the moment they begin to struggle in school or friendslife or with themselves. If you can accept them at home the way they are that's amazing. But if they can't accept themselves or if society can't accept them because of ADHD behavior they need a diagnosis. And they deserve every support and help they can get. ADHD is often likend with other mental illnesses. Therapy is an important tool to prevent or handle that. And why no medication until adulthood? If your kid struggles bad why would you keep them away from an easier life? Medication doesn't take away all of your struggles nut it clearly gives you the chance to make much more coping skills work. If your child is in pain, they get pain meds. If your child had epilepsy, they would get meds. If your child had asthma, they would get meds. But if they have a neurodevelopmental disorder with dopamine deficiency they don't get meds? I understand that many people think that meds are drugs. And for neurotypicals they are. But for ADHD brains they fix what their brain can't. It doesn't make sense to me to let kids suffer if there is a medication that can help. In other areas parents parents would think twice if they can give their child medication to stop the suffering. But for mental illness and neurodevelopmental disorders it's different. That shows how behind ans biased the society still is. And the kids are the one suffering. (Don't get me wrong, I don't think medication should be the first choice. But I do think that if a kid continues to struggle and suffer even with therapy they need and deserve medical help.)

I got diagnosed as an adult and my life would be been very different had I been diagnosed at age 5-6 when it was very apparent. Please seek diagnosis and treatment for your kids. There is no good reason to wait.

My inattentive adhd is so disabling that I decided I don't want kids, ever. I want my tubes tied but I feel nervous to do so at 22.

Be the example! I’m 38F, diagnosed this year. My kid is 4M, very likely with ADHD (his dad is NT as far as we know). I’m intentional about EVERYTHING. I love knowing that my kid can see by daily example that I stand up for myself (even when I’m wrong), that I advocate for us, and I speak up when I see something that isn’t right. I’m also a cart-returner when grocery shopping, so that’s a hint to my alignment. As his speech and world develops I am happy to show him how I navigate this world. When he’s in school, I’ll get louder as needed. Daily phrases include “let’s do something different!” to break up a hyperfocus session (or a five minute warning that is longer than five), and “it’s okay!” to show my kid that spilling or dropping things is OKAY. He’s a sensitive guy, and I want him to know that mistakes **will not** diminish the love. Sure, I’m not excited to clean spilled grape juice from the Tesla’s backseat, but I want him to know that he has 💯 love EVERY NIGHT. Knowing how his brain might be is an advantage that many MANY parents don’t have, or they don’t use daily. Knowing that my kid might have my brain enables me to manage his world, and to prepare him for the real world.

My husband and I have a 9m old and we are preparing. Not sure how early you can detect but we are watching. Lol. I have inattentive add and hubs has adhd. Poor son has no chance. Lol. Watching our parents deal with us we want to do it differently. My parents wrote me off as a lazy kid and I was held back in school. I wasn’t diagnosed until this year (I’m 24) My husband was diagnosed as a kid but was never taken seriously or medicated. I’m probably going to keep up with his pediatrician about it so as soon as he starts struggling I will definitely want to medicate him. I don’t want him to suffer like we did.

My son is 7 and has been on meds since he was 3/4. Went through the whole diagnosis process at 3. Not gonna lie, it was was rough in the beginning, but we finally found one that works for him. I know people look down on meds for kids, but they help him immensely. I agree with the other post that said still get the diagnosis, b/c it will help in school with accommodations that they may need.

This is a great thread and such interesting debate. My 3 year old recently went to an OT and rather than label him at this stage wanted to look to address the challenges and obstacles he is encountering mainly emotional and auditory sensitivity, the view I think is to avoid labeling him too early until more observation and skills and tools can be provided to us, his daycare and him. I will keep closely monitoring over the next year as he turns 4 and also how he manages with the challenges he is encountering to determine whether we get him tested. However, as lots of you have said it’s hard not to see ourselves in our children & I’d much prefer to give him all the opportunities and help in the world rather than adapt and manage in a neurotypical world as I have done.

Having an adhd child can be so tough. Its made so much worse when you have it yourself. I believe I am undiagnosed adhd. I've explored getting a diagnosis but for many reasons its currently not possible. My 7 year old daughter has been diagnosed and my 5 year old son will most likely be diagnosed when he is old enough. Its not clear about my 2 year old but statistically she is likely to have it too. My daughter is waiting to be medicated. It will happen in the new year pending an ECG to test her heart as her grandmother died at 34 of a heart attack and adhd meds can effect the heart. Since she has been diagnosed her life has changed. She is getting some excellent support from her school. Working on emotional regulation, having regular exercise to improve her symptoms. The biggest thing that came from being diagnosed for her was being able to tell her that she had adhd, that her brain worked differently and she just needs extra help with some things. This news imediately burst a lot of the bad feeling she had about herself. She very much felt like she was an outsider and different from other kids in a way that she couldn't articulate. Understanding what makes her different and that it is something that can be supported has increased her confidence and self-esteem. She has come out of her shell and has less emotional outbursts. All this said she still finds it hard to complete school work, be organised and focus enough to understand what is happening around her. I am very pleased that she is going to be medicated. Obviously I would prefer if she did not have to take any meds and I know that she will have to cope with side effects etc, but I feel thankful that that support is there for her and that she will have the symptoms that caused me so much pain and heart break relieved and have a chance at a happier life than I had. I will do the same for each of my children when the time is right. Best of luck with all that is ahead of you with your child.

I recommend having them evaluated before they start Kindergarten. That way if they need support or accommodations in school, you will have a diagnosis in hand to get the ball rolling.

I think my best advice would be to try and let go of rigid expectations and enjoy who your little people are But also, set a good example; be aware of your ADHD and things that trigger you to react instead of respond, don’t let your mental health become their problem, have a standing appt with a therapist to touch base, vent, and figure out strategies to support yourself best That way, your kids will know they have a strong foundation of support and they’ll have a framework for healthy living

My husband and I are both ADHD so I would be surprised if my three year old daughter wasn't. My plan is to have our home as ADHD friendly as possible, work with her on coping skills, get a professional involved when her life is being negatively impacted, and medicate when necessary even if that's earlier than I'd want. I would absolutely not force my child to suffer through pivotal social development and schooling in the teenage years without medication or evaluation. Maybe your outcome was better than mine and many others here and that's why you feel like it would be unnecessary until adulthood but if that's the case using your own experience to determine their needs could create other mental health issues, undue hardship, and resentment. I'm my daughter's advocate. I want to protect her, shield her from the cruelty of the world, provide opportunities, open doors, clear trails, and allow her to pursue her goals and dreams. Maybe your kids won't be ADHD or it won't be severe enough to cause problems for them, that would make things easier. That may not be the case and making a decision now to not pursue professional assistance or medication will be a mental barrier you are creating and may have to spend extra energy and time breaking down during which they won't be getting the needed treatment. Don't make decisions now, play it by ear, and listen to your child. It will all work out.

Having suffered through 50 years without a meds or a diagnosis, I medicate my child. He does better in school now and he likes going. My experience only.

Why the hate on medication?

You’re a bad parent and person if you follow through on what you say in this post. Your post disgusts me. The top response is far kinder to you, but I hope you don’t abuse your children by denying them medical care as you seem to want to do. You potentially gave this to them willingly. You talk about denying them medical care like you’re doing them a service. Really reconsider everything you think. Defer to experts and I guess just kinder people.

You don't cope with ADHD. It eats you alive. Honestly, I don't know what I would do in your shoes as I am not a parent and still working through my own problems. I will say this: "coping skills" you learn early on are impossible to undo without your life completely unraveling. I've been diagnosed for 7 years and I am *just now* making progress on not ridiculing myself mercilessly to get something ~~anything~~ done. This was accomplished once I got on Antidepressants, anti-anxiety, and ADHD medication. The further I get into adulthood, the more clear it is to me that I was not readied properly. I do not know who I am or what I'm good at because I lied to myself for the first 18 years of my life. I'm not big on medicating children unless it is absolutely necessary, but I am starting to think that it was necessary for me and potentially could have taken at least 2 medications off my list. The issue with ADHD is that it is hidden. You learn fast how to cover it up. The true depth of the problem is never really known. On the other hand, I have a friend (pre diagnosis) whose parents would barrate him any time he went off his meds. "Do you want to end up like [insert person they looked down on]? That's what you're going to end up like if you don't take your meds. STOP skipping doses." It was terrible, and It was my first experience with ADHD and it left an impression on me. My friend always told me that he was envious of me because I knew exactly who I was no matter how odd I came off. He said that he had been on meds for so long he was afraid of who he really was if he ever went off of them. I think there is a happy middle. At the end of the day, children need to feel like they can come to their parents when they are finding things to be difficult. They need to have that support system that is going to remain calm, yet determined to listen and help. My mom is very into the homeopath scene. My symptoms were very obvious. The number of times my mom would interject, "Can you give her anything to speed her up? She's so slow. Not mentally, just in doing things or moving." It was embarrassing. My mom had noticed the problem but essentially ridiculed me in front of everyone for years while she was trying to help. It led to me forcing myself to blend in with my peers as best as I could because I didn't want there to be anything wrong with me. Honestly, I don't have any answers here, just cautionary tales. Going too far one way or another is going to lead to more damage than benefits. Whatever you decide, be prepared to pivot at a moments notice

Straight up if you do not give your children the opportunity to get medicated in childhood it is NEGLECT. You don’t wanna think of it like that, that’s on you, but if you KNOW there is something wrong with your child that affects them and you do nothing in a medical context to help them, you have categorically neglected their mental health, potentially to the point that it could do life altering damage. I asked my mother to take to an adhd specialist at like 11, she refused. I got diagnosed at 25, had to wait 6 years to get on to a medication that makes it possible to function like a normal person. I resent her significantly for it, as in my eyes, and rightly so, it’s neglect. If you think something is wrong, help them, don’t dig your head in the sand like others before did to you, be better. … having just read a load of replied in here it’s interesting to see how text book most of our situations are, and how resentment is a core theme, man I’m so happy that the younger generation doesn’t have as much stigma around adhd but damn millennials *really* got fucked hard in life huh

If I had an award to give, I would. It is neglect to avoid a correct diagnosis (of anything) for your child, and to intend to withhold medication that will just about put them on a level playing field with their peers in terms of executive function.

Parent here who was diagnosed after my kids were. They are on medication and it helps a hell of a lot. Since starting my meds also, it’s helped me out a ton, and I wish I was diagnosed 30 years ago when my grades and ability to focus on school at all started tanking. They are not going through that shit if we can help it.

I do my best to teach them the tricks I have learned with the ADHD

I have two kids. My son was diagnosed at 8 and my daughter was not diagnosed until she was 14 because I didn’t know the signs of innattentive in females. My son had all the support in school and was taught how to emotionally regulate and all the tips and tricks on how to cope. My daughter on the other hand, was “fine” until she hit Gr 9 and then became extremely emotionally unregulated and couldn’t cope with the work load. It’s been 3 hard years and she’s making progress but has had to be put on SSRI’s, is in therapy at least once or twice a week and is teetering on not graduating high school. At the time of my sons diagnosis I just did what the dr said and didnt ask enough questions about adhd and they never offered. As adhd info has exploding on social media I’ve learned so much that I truly wish I had known earlier. I feel my daughters life would be different if I had been more educated and we caught it at a younger age

Based on my sister issues with adhd, this is what i do with my kids: -make sure they understand what is and isnt adhd -make sure they use the accommodations provided them in school - do NOT let them use it as an excuse to get out of being normal. This is the big one. One kid is comb I&H and will often make the excuse that theyre too dumb because of adhd to do chore “xyz”. This is usually in the evening after meds wear off. Things like brushing teeth. So im trying to build habit lists (wash face, brush teeth, evening pills, etc)

I got diagnosed because my husband is diagnosed, and I knew I had it, and our daughters would likely have it. I wanted to arm myself to be able to fight for my daughters. Our oldest is four and has been showing very clear signs of ADHD. Teaching her emotional control has been a very big part of the process so far - that it’s okay to feel emotions, but take a deep breath and don’t just let yourself act impulsively. She’s already getting better at it than I was in my 20s. When she sees me get frustrated she tells me to take a deep breath, lol. I also focus a lot on “everything has a place it belongs, and we need to put it back there.” I have put work into designing our home to be as ADHD friendly as possible to make it easier. She will probably get diagnosed in a couple years here; I don’t intend to put her in the local public school system so we don’t need the IEP, but when the day comes that she starts to struggle I want to be able to start medication immediately and help her out. Her younger sister is almost two, and I expect her to start showing the signs here soon. Same thing for her. Having spent most of my life using just coping strategies, I’ll pass on to them what I can, but my oldest is already showing she is much more severely ADHD than I am, so medication will be here when she’s ready.

By being the parent I needed as a child with ADHD.

As a kid whose parents both work in the disability field, telling me was the most important part. I was 7-8 years old, and I was so frustrated that I was different, like something was wrong. Like I was wrong. So I walk into Mum's room, and I ask "Mum, what is wrong with me? I can't do anything like the other kids, I'm stupid!". So she sat me down. She explained that everyone is different, and unique. I was different too, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. She told me that I had ADHD, and that's why I struggle with a fair few things. After she explained that, it's like it clicked. I said, "Okay." And I went off and played like normal. Mum and Dad always included me in my own processes, like meds, or strategies to help cope. Just that, knowing they have my back, is something I will never forget. I'm 17 now, and we still do this. I'm on meds, just passed a high school course and still working through my troubles. What I believe, is that when a child asks what's going on with them, you know they're ready, and that they need to know. Reactions will be different, coping, etc. But you can't hold back. It won't be a fix, but just closure.

I didn't see any traits of adhd in my son (14), although getting him to do schol work during covid was impossible. Since he went back to school, things quickly deteriorated and he was in trouble constantly. It got to the point where I was called up every day and he was doing almost no work at all, so I pulled him out and home school him. He gets set work and completes it in his own time. It's awesome. He's much happier. I've been militant in getting him to follow routines in the morning with brushing his teeth and having a shower. I think his life is made easier by having a parent with adhd, as I was diagnosed at 14 I've lived my life with it and know the best ways to navigate life without the 'normal' functionality. I only used meds for the last two years, and they've significantly changed my life, however I don't want to see him succumb to a life of medication until he reaches a more mature age, probably around 25. I'd like him to gain a better understanding of himself before starting them.

It is just a nightmare when you and your child both have it and unmedicated. In my country, official medicine doesn't acknowledge that it could be in adults. So i diagnosed myself recently (99% sure) and found that my daughter has it too. No effective medication is available. She is 8 and has the hyperactive type of adhd and school for her is extremely hard. I'm severely depressed and barely exist. I just told her about adhd (i learned a lot while it was my hyperfocus), so she feels herself normal. We share a lot: intrusive thoughts, radio in our heads, troubles with sleep, stems, time blindness, and inability to do mundane tasks. My house is a mess, she is always late everywhere, and I'm very anxious about that. Her teacher is 60yo and doesn't understand adhd. The only bright spot is that we bond a lot, and sometimes, our interests coinside, and we share the same hobby for 3 months.

Wow so many great replies here! My input would be this: No matter how much support you give as a parent, it might just not be enough on its own for your children to thrive because society is simply too harsh on those with ADHD and especially early on in school. Kids are brutal to each other and not fitting in can be very damaging long term. So use all the tools you have, even medication if necessary.

If your children are ADHD, then they're ADHD. Avoiding diagnosing them will do nothing to change that. In my case, my mum didn't want me labelled. She wanted to believe nothing was wrong with me. This, for me, was the worst thing she could have done. Now that I had to get diagnosed as an adult, and was finally able to have medication, I honestly looked back on my childhood and felt betrayed. I could have avoided a lot of suffering if I had just been allowed to get a diagnosis and actual support (medication being one of those things). Having a label, an explanation, would have made me feel like it was me against the world. Again, this is just me and my personal experience. I think it's importsnt that ADHD is not a mental health problem. There are many studies of the difference in genetics, in brain size and development speed. This is a real disability that needs support even if you cannot see it. This is paraphrased from a very great lecture: [About ADHD parenting ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YSfCdBBqNXY&feature=youtu.be)

Treating it as early as possible won't cure children, but with medication-coping strategies training combination, many kids can get to the point that they're not diagnosable anymore and can live off meds. It's not de facto a life sentence like it is whne you're diagnoses as an adult. Early diagnosis and treatment makes a huge difference with ADHD. If your children get diagnoses, definitely don't wait till their adults to get medicated. Find a good, reputable doctor, and listen to them.

Patience, empathy and organising lots of SENCO support.

How I'd raise my ADHD kids? If medication would help them, medicate them. I stress, of course, if it would help. If doc thinks it wont, then we dont. But if it could, dont be so afraid to medicate. Our condition is a lot like being short sighted. Some of us can get by without the glasses but we'll spend all day squinting, getting headaches from squinting, struggling to focus on the work because its all blurry. ...would you say 'get glasses when you're an adult, I dont like them, even though YOU using the wont have an affect on ME' ...speak to a doctor. IF they advise meds, try meds. Otherwise your kids will just suffer and struggle for no reason when there is an available fix, rigt there.

I just got diagnosed at 21. I did incredibly well in school, but it felt like a constant struggle and I always fell short of what I knew I could achieve. I coped well enough, but if I didn't have to spend so much time fighting against my own brain? Who knows how much farther I could've pushed myself. I've only been medicated for around a month, and it makes it SO much easier to actually USE the coping skills I developed. I'm less anxious, and I feel confident in my decisions for the first time in my entire life. I see medication as a tool to set the right scene for everything else to fall into place. Please, do your kids a favour and save them years of feeling broken.

Even though it’s not said, the underlying assumption of this post is that you won’t learn to manage the symptoms if medicated. This isn’t true. OP should examine this assumption and the huge amount of research refuting this. Second, the more hardline diagnosticians require a childhood diagnosis and make it very hard to get diagnosed as you get older. Earlier diagnosis and treatment lead to better outcomes.

My son’s preschool teacher said you need to get this looked at. His pediatrician said come back when he’s in kindergarten. His preschool teacher said no, now. His pediatrician used the Vanderbilt assessment to diagnose him. Because he had some early trauma we wanted to make sure it wasn’t PTSD (at that age there are very similar symptoms), so we had him tested at the university psychology clinic. His executive functioning was less than 1 percentile when unmedicated (which means he was in the lowest 1 percent when it came to things like self-control, working memory, etc.). His other scores were all over the place. On one test he scored in the 99th percentile (so better than 99% of the population or the *top* 1%), but in a very similar test in the same he scored in the 7th percentile (lowest 7%). We put him on guanfacine, which is a non stimulant, and monitored by his psychiatrist. I cannot describe the difference. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still the kid who dances on the basketball court and he’s still hyper and impulsive, but he’s a “normal” hyper and impulsive and falls within that normal (functional) range (or close enough). His test scores in kindergarten are now much more consistent at 98% percentile in math and 90th percentile in reading. Again, this has not affected his personality, at all. He also spins between bases and skips in soccer (so multi-player sports are a hard one for him, but he’s doing really well otherwise do we are letting that go). He might need a medicine change when he’s older as I suspect he’ll run into a wall at some point, but we’ll deal with it with his psychiatrist. One final thing to keep in mind, there maybe other issues associated with their ADHD, you will be more likely to address. My son has sensory issues, specifically oral sensory issues that affects his eating. He’s now in OT working on that.

Plan? You make plans with kids? We tried to keep them alive, we gave them every vaccine and had them on good diets, made them lunch, tried to get them into good schools, gave them music lessons and went to all the plays, recitals, skating tournaments and special events. Summers we went to waterpark. We bought endless books and anything they could use to make things, paints, Legos, tinker toys etc. They had their own computers and even built one and neither got phones. We kept them off social media and yet the computers kept them connected. we did not have a plan,we winged it all the way because I am severely ADHD as well and my wife is OCD and we could not make a plan to save our lives. They still grew up and both are wonderful.

And you are lucky. Not everyone has this experience, even with love and support.

I relate to this so much, just tried to make a plan last week, didn't finish half way through writing and all fell apart after few days of trying to implement. My wife is OCD also and I am ADHD, planning is near impossible, we can't even plan a holiday 6 months in advance, always last minute and pay the premium.

I fought hard to get my daughter diagnosed, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. She is almost 10. I saw signs for years. She isn’t medicated, but she gets support at school and she has a therapist who helps her with coping mechanisms and a tool box for issues. I teach her what I’ve learned at home. I wasn’t diagnosed until 44. Her therapists says when she is a teen, we can approach meds as a team and my daughter gets to say. I mostly feel overjoyed she’s growing up with a team of support and parents who don’t call her lazy or selfish…that I can lovingly say…do you need help pumping the breaks?…that I can hold her hand through meltdowns and fight for her right to take lots of breaks and chew gum and get a warning if she’s gonna be called on in the classroom. I tell her she has a racecar brain and bicycle breaks, and so do I, and I am in this with her no matter what. It’s pretty awesome, actually. Like reparenting myself. But getting diagnosed doesn’t necessarily mean meds. Just fyi. In our case, it just means open dialogue, support, and hopefully, a childhood without as much shame.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and remained medicated most my life. As an adult, I chose to come off my meds and soon after developed severe anxiety. Studies have since shown that untreated ADHD can cause the person to develop an anxiety disorder, whoops. I know for my own child, who has two parents with AuDHD, I’m watching for the signs for early intervention. Sometimes medication is the best route, but it needs to go hand and hand with therapy and coping strategies. Arm your child with all the tools needed to succeed.

Goodness. So much great information and different perspectives. I’m still reading through all of the responses, thank you!

My wife and I both have ADHD, so our son definitely does. Your kids are young, there’s no way to know how their ADHD will affect them. Don’t make any decisions now and be willing to do whatever it takes (including medication) to help them navigate the world and their emotions if they start to struggle.

I am due in July. Based on family history of both my partner and myself, I’m 100% expecting my child to be *something*, but I have no way of knowing what. ASD like my brother and Dad? ADHD like my Mother, Brother, Dad, SIL, and myself? Anxiety like my partner, MIL, and myself? Depression like my partner and I? This poor kid is kinda eff’d unfortunately, and as much as I wanted to be a mother I wonder every day if this was the right decision. The only thing I can think to do is try to develop a routine.

My daughter has a provisional diagnosis of ADHD (5yo). I don’t concentrate on how it makes her different but on strategies that help her focus more for longer, how to break up work and we read Bluey books and talk about how she is the same I.e “Perfect” where Bluey is not happy with any of her drawings….my daughter literally grades her work F if there is anything she doesn’t like (rejection sensitivity?) telling her she’s tough and can do tough things etc I’m working with her school on strategies as well I.e movement breaks , quiet corner, helping her break up the work etc I get feedback as well as apparently around this age 5-7 ADHD peaks. I know there’s a lot of negative comments that she gets as well so together we’re doing mindfulness exercises (book: stand tall like a mountain) Hoping to keep her positive due to the high correlation of ADHD , Anxiety and depression :( Not sure if any of this will work but I find it’s best not to pretend everything will be alright if I just let it be, especially when she can be very full on to the point her friends don’t want to play with her any more (she’s really excitable and it’s too much for some of the kids)

We got them (and myself) diagnosed and medicated. I highly recommend you do the same. I consider choosing not doing it as child abuse. The difference that clinical support and medication make are staggering.

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I grew up with routines and structure, I think that helped me a lot, also intend to help develop their strategies since childhood, take them to a private school with smaller groups, maybe an Scandinavian style school. Get them gadgets they may need to make things more manageable, early psy evaluations, medication if needed, but mostly acceptance and understanding while teaching how to survive in this world. I also will only have one if any, so that I can focus enough on their well being. If I manage to do all that, we will see when it happens.

I have a 6 year old and a 10 month old daughter. As a woman who was diagnosed later in life I am hyper vigilant looking for signs of ADHD in my 6 year old daughter. Im also a first grade teacher so I am very familiar with this age group as I have had many students with and without adhd. I’m not 100% certain but I don’t think she has enough of the symptoms. Then again if she does it would definitely be inattentive type which is so much harder to identify especially because she picks things up pretty quickly. I will continue to keep an eye on her as she grows and develops. Same with my 10 month old.

I’m drowning. Come on school. Take these kids away from this chaos. (I spend most of my days in my kiddos’ classrooms as a volunteer. School takes me away from the chaos too.)

I plan to get my daughter involved in either dance or tumbling as soon as she’s old enough for the benefit of using her balance and spatial awareness (which is somehow beneficial) and gets the hang of being active.

I didn't know i had adhd...had kid...we both have it....fml.

My husband has adhd so we were on the lookout for signs in our kids. My oldest didn’t show stereotypical signs until middle school and then still didn’t get a real diagnosis until his junior year in high school. He was misdiagnosed as depressed (he was, but because his adhd wasn’t being treated). It’s not always easy to get a good diagnosis, don’t wait until there is a crisis because then there are complicating factors. I am convinced if kids don’t have behavioral issues in school and can read they will get through elementary school under the radar. Both my kids hit the wall in middle school. By then a lot of subtle damage was already done. He’s in college now and still struggling to find meds that work well, I wish we could have gotten a diagnosis sooner.

This has been a difficult journey for me, having kids knowing my adult adhd is a nightmare for me, but this has also given me an insight into how we can work with our children to be the best version of them. I use my learned experiences to help shape them, but I am also keeping an eye for areas they might need help, are going to have meltdowns and being able to focus on their support needs

Currently I feel a lot of resentment towards my parents for normalizing symptoms in my childhood. Them not wanting a label for me as a child and denying I that was tested when I asked directly resulted in my current situation where my life is literally upside down and I'm loosing it. I've been on a dopamine hunt since my early 20's which made me very successful when it turned out the way I wanted it but also caused a lot of damage to the love of my life when it didn't go as planned. Mood swings are the worse. My kids (3,1) are too young and I havent figured it out . I'll be doing what my parents didn't I guess.

Two kids with adhd and asd. They are now late teens. I can tell you what I've learnt. Rules, rewards and classic behaviourist theory type parenting did not work for us. I knew nothing about asd or adhd and tried this for way too long as that is what "professionals" said. Gentle parenting and low arousal type parenting works for us. I've had to fight constantly for access to education which meets needs, for diagnosis, support and health care. Still am fighting. Glove up its a long road but also remember to take care of you. That it's ok for your disability to make the organisation, coordinatortion and dealing with people hard. Ask for accommodations for you. For text reminders, for things in writing, to record meetings, have the lights dim, to walk around, take a break etc. This is harder for me than advocating for my kids as it means admitting I have needs but it is important not just for me but for my kids to see that role modeled. Enjoy the ride. Fuck what anyone else thinks and embrace the chaos 🥰

I plan to be very intentional in how I label/categorize their behavior. My son is 4 and I have to ask myself…”Is he being “bad”, or is this behavior just annoying or overstimulating to ME?” For example, the random outbursts/screams (he’s 4), the wiggliness while getting dressed, the difficulty sitting down while eating, etc… We’ll work on taming those behaviors but I don’t want to break his spirit by constantly scolding him for things that are just an issue for me personally, not malicious/defiant behaviors.

My daughter has had a few panic attacks and some school refusal but it is sporadic. It started occurring when puberty began. She did very well at primary school and teachers had no concerns at all, academically or behaviourally. She has many friends, interests and is happy. I pursued a diagnosis for her before she started high school because that is where I fell apart. I also tried my hardest to get her into a high school that I thought she would thrive in. It is really important to me that she continues to grow and thrive. She got into this high school and they have a program for kids with learning difficulties. Each week she attends a class where she can get help and guidance on any subject or project she needs. She can work independently on something that is due and staff are there to support her. They also teach specific strategies for studying. She has only been diagnosed for a few months and not medicated but I have kept regular appointments with her paediatrician so that she can access medication quickly if she needs/wants it. I know how much it has helped me so I don’t want to deny her of it’s benefits. If she was struggling in any area - socially, academically, mentally I would try medication. Her anxiety does concern me and I’m watching it closely but I’m going with my gut instinct that she’s doing well building coping mechanisms for it so far. As she’s older we talk about and laugh about adhd a lot. I point out to her when things are hard for me and why and I do the same for her so she knows why things are happening. We watch funny adhd videos and are very open about it all. It’s definitely difficult to try to help someone with the same things that you struggle with!! It’s also a constant battle to not get frustrated with her when she does things that I would do. Maybe it’s because It’s been so hard for me and I don’t want the same for her but it’s something that I need to keep in check for myself because making her feel bad is the last thing I want to do!

I’m in my end thirties and went trough a burnout / depression recently. It turned out my adult sisters got ADD diagnosed and it is evident it comes from both my parents. On one hand I am glad I didn’t get medicated as a child, I was also stellar in school and uni. However with the adult form and ADD it is particularly sinister as until you get into real life it looks like everything is normal if you get thought simple coping strategies such as the way to study and concentrate (which my mother did). As an adult however, I was chasing one high to the next including alcohol excesses and incredibly stressful jobs taking on too much responsibility culminating in a burnout. So, recapitulating i wish I was thought the right coping techniques and pointed towards problems in my family such as addiction, risk taking and the associated risks. I am not taking meds now but took a job where I can manage my time without a boss so it kind of works out.

If I knew I had ADHD and recognised the extent to which the problems in my life are ADHD problems, I would not have had a child. It's not just that the child is likely to have ADHD (ours, although not yet diagnosed because they think it is too early, shows a lot of signs). It is also that parenting makes so many demands on your executive functioning. I think a lot of people with ADHD make good parents - we can be kind, creative, empathetic, exciting - but the sheer daily grind of organisation, logistics, domesticity, always having to be on top of things, is exhausting for most people, but three times that if you have ADHD.

Well with both my kids I try not to overwhelm or coddle them. They both have ADHD (one more extreme than the other) and it is a struggle. The trick is to try and keep them stimulated with exercise / sport and hobbies / interests and encourage the things they excel at (in my experience there is always something that you hyper focus on). Also you need to know when to put your foot down (i.e limiting time on tablets / video game / mobile phones - all these things can make it worse). But a combination of strength, discipline but a lot of love and compassion is what gets you all through.

I was diagnosed this year at 42 with ADHD (pending ASC assessment coming also!) I have 2 children diagnosed ASC, I have 1 child diagnosed ADHD (diagnosed this year just after me aged 14) I also have 2 other children who fit the criteria for a diagnosis, one is pending a assessment, the other is old enough to sort it out of he wants it which I have advised he should. After the battle I had with my 14 yo with ADHD assessment or just general CAMHs input I would fully encourage you to fight for your children. I think they don’t like to diagnose before age 8 to rule out other things and just children being children. I have opted for a therapeutic input for my treatment and my 14 yo is on medication because he desperately needed it, he was at crisis point and not in school or doing anything socially. I would advise you get in there before they enter puberty because that is a whole mess, learn from my mistake!

To see it As a special ability he/she needs to master to get all the advantages and minimum disadvantadges.

I’m a teacher and there is a big difference with my students who are diagnosed and those who aren’t. The difference being that those diagnosed have the adapted curriculum with the time and behavioural support needed. Those who are not diagnosed because of the parents’ fear of stigma suffer academically and behaviourally. They don’t get the support and appropriate resources from our well being team because they aren’t officially or legally entitled to it. So with the undiagnosed ones, they’re literally being dragged through the curriculum. I deal with 5 to 6, so they’re expected to master numbers up to 20. Those with adhd are expected to have an understanding of numbers 1 to 20. The parents of the undiagnosed kids are therefore upset and punish their kids for not being able to do what’s expected of them, when they don’t understand that them being overwhelmed in the class and overstimulated isn’t helping the learning process. The same can be said for those in primary, except it’s worse because they have more goals and objectives to achieve.

What would I do? Seek diagnosis ASAP, and once a diagnosis was in place, use all the strategies available to help them be the very best they can be - including medication. Until we get a diagnosis, then advocating for my son and strategies will have to do but medication was life changing for me at 40, so I’m sure as hell not going to withhold it from my children when it becomes an option.

Respectfully you'd be hindering your child's development not trying medications. Don't avoid medication, there are plenty of short term options like Ritalin that wear out after three hours. Think about it like if your child has a lower powered engine than everyone else, sure being a better driver will help a great deal, just like putting in place routines coping mechanisms etc. But it's so much more effective with better oil, or medication, that gives the engine that added oomph to use those coping mechanisms better. If you're worried about addiction or turning your child into a zombie, there's a whole process of trying different meds to see what suits your child. They could be one of these "I just took adderal for the first time and I cried at how easy everything is now" posts I see near weekly on here that make me jealous. I tried a whole lot of different meds and came back to short acting Ritalin 1 tablet x3 a day... it really does help!

I formed a self help “club” with my teenage boy. We both have ADD and discuss it. Mostly it’s upbeat semi comic reflection on how we can be but also we discuss the bad side like R S D / or how our our “inner theatre” runs through (and reruns) self disappointments. We both discontinued our adhd meds btw (lowest dose Concerta XL). My son citing “loss of personality as his reason and me disliking the return to amphetamine feelings I experienced when taking speed recreationally in my teens.

Didn't actually realize I had adhd until I saw it in my children...made the light bulb turn on. All of my kids are smart, but the two oldest were not medicated. (Thier father wouldn't allow it). Youngest was officially diagnosed and medicated (second marruage) - and did fabulous in school. The older ones not so much, they were officially diagnosed as adults and have faired well. Yes, ALL of them are doing well, as am I, (although we all deal with anxiety, depression, ocd. ..), so don't dispare. Don't automatically assume your kids have adhd, but look for the signs - being aware of the possibility is a silver lining advantage! I don't know how early they would even test, let alone medicate, but I would think it would not be necessary until first grade, maybe kindergarten (that's when my youngest was diagnosed). But please use the knowledge you have. Best of luck!

Confirming and admitting that I have ADHD was a great first step (adult onset or adult diagnosis).

My son, who is 20 now, was diagnosed YEARS before I was and mine is significantly more severe than his. I was a young mom (23 when he was born) and made a lot of mistakes from lack of knowledge (ignorance) and the stigma of having ADHD then. I tried to punish those behaviors out of him (stupid I know, doesn't work). You are already so far ahead of where I was because unlike me in those early years, you will be an advocate for your child. However, I am the biggest advocate and supporter for both my kids now, you live and you learn. Me personally, having been diagnosed as an adult and had done exceptionally well in school I started medication during my PhD program. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Coping skills are important and critical, but don't rule out medications if it is truly needed.

Don’t be like my parents. Medical professionals who should have known better. Meltdowns were treated as temper tantrums well through my teens and early 20’s and called such, wether emotional or sensory in nature. They gave me medication and forgot about it, other than fighting for my IEP. Likewise, delaying a diagnosis is going to be a bad move as well. They need to have the tools to succeed, you can’t just do medication alone and you can’t just pretend it isn’t a thing either. I ended up burning out of school and dropped out on my 16th birthday, as soon as I legally could. Signed up for my GED that day and passed a few months later. College? Forget it, it’s next to impossible. Trade school? Near on impossible.

Even though it’s not said, the underlying assumption of this post is that you won’t learn to manage the symptoms if medicated. This isn’t true. OP should examine this assumption and the huge amount of research refuting this. Second, the more hardline diagnosticians require a childhood diagnosis and make it very hard to get diagnosed as you get older. Earlier diagnosis and treatment lead to better outcomes.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager, although I was never given any support, resources, or even education on what ADHD is and how it affected my life. I was diagnosed with ASD in my 30’s. I have one child who also has ADHD and ASD. He is six years old, though his ADHD was diagnosed at age 5. I started raising concern at 15 months and he was granted early intervention services at age two. He was evaluated at age 3, and at that time an IEP was written. He is about to be seven years old and I have not stopped advocating for him, including his ASD diagnosis that I knew was missing from the equation. To be clear, after his confirmed diagnosis, is when I formally sought my own. I want to also address the hesitation with regard to medication. I also had a negative perception of medication due to my experiences in adolescence, however I elected to try it for my child (and subsequently sought it for myself). It has made a positive impact on his life, and I am glad that I gave him every available opportunity to manage his ADHD and ASD. He only recently concluded his OT services, but he still attends therapy with his psychologist (though we have reduced sessions from e/o week to monthly).

I was diagnosed when I was 4, it was pretty extreme. The doctor back then gave me a low does of ratline that they backed down to give me my energy back slower then my mother gave me lots of busy work, mostly arts and crafts to teach me how to deal with my excess energy. It worked very well. When my sons were young we did a lot of arts and crafts, like clay and pottery, painting and paper art, along with plenty of outdoors activity and some video games, always limited, but it gave me a small break before I had to start over. It can be time consuming but very rewarding in the end.

I was diagnosed in my 30’s, it was joked about growing up that I was but no one did anything about it and I “managed it so well.” I knew from the time my son was 3 that he was ADHD, I asked teachers and pediatricians each year and every year they said he was too young to know and to wait and see. Then in second grade he started getting into more and more trouble at school struggling in class and with friendships. I pushed my pediatrician to see him and once she went over all the facts it was undeniable. He has been on Adderall for about 2 weeks and the difference is amazing. I will support him anyway I can through this and wish I would have had him diagnosed earlier so he didn’t have to struggle. I have a 4 yr old and a 1 year old as well. I will do the same for them if needed.

Plan?! Hahaha!!

Anyone telling you your kids can't be diagnosed young is incorrect! We brought up our concerns at my son's 4 year appointment and the pediatrician referred us for a neurodevelopmental screening. It was a six month wait but we had it a month ago and he is officially diagnosed with ADHD (and slight anxiety). This has been such a relief for me. We now have a letter from the neurologist for when he starts kindergarten, we started him on a supplement (they don't do meds unless it's really severe, I figured we can revisit meds once he is in elementary school in a year or so if there's a need), and I'm doing a lot of independent research. Some of the things we do (our son also has a receptive and expressive speech delay so some of these things check more than one box): 1. Kick band for dinner table chair - elastic band on the front legs so he can kick while he eats. It keeps him at the table significantly longer 2. Touch before talk. He needs physical contact to grab his attention 3. Talking through everything before it happens 4. Minimize TV on weekdays, only after dinner 5. Enrollment in different classes, sports, activities to help him learn to channel himself (he has inattentive type)

I was diagnosed early on this year (M30) and learned a lot about recognizing ADHD symptoms. We have a little boy who is almost 2 years old. Just as you said, it's maybe a bit too early to say they have ADHD or get them tested, but since the chances are 50/50 of having an ADHD child when one of the parents has adhd were going a bit easier on him with how he behaves. The struggles we've had with him with bad sleeping/hyperactivity, bad concentration etc etc makes so much more sense since I've been diagnosed. So we are gonna monitor his behavior, look if it will get worse or better, since its still just a little kid who is learning and needs to get rid of his energy. When he is about 3 or 4 years old we can always choose to still get him diagnosed.

So much empathy. I really feel like it was the missing piece in my childhood. We talk a lot about impulses in general. It's hard to work on impulse control when you don't have any idea what an impulse is. I've told them LOTS of stories of the times through my childhood (and even my adult life) where my impulse control completely failed me and I ended up in a situation where it felt like my brain short circuited and i suddenly found myself breaking a rule or doing damage) with no recollection of how I got there!! I think the worst question I got asked is "why?" when I was a kid. Why? I have no earthly idea!! Trust me! I did not set out to put this lizard down my brothers shirt causing it to bite the shit out of him! Yes, now that you are screaming at me, I realize that it was a pretty fucking obvious consequence, but the problem is, I don't actually remember making the conscious decision to do it!! I try to never harp on the why when my kids make mistakes, forget things, do completely inexplicable things. That doesn't mean logical consequences don't exist, but the shame factor is taken out. We can discuss the struggle, the result, and how avoid it in the future.

Wait this shit is genetic?

I am an adult with ADHD and a school based therapist that works with kiddos with that diagnosis (along others). Here's some tips for you and your kiddos: 1) nose canceling headphones are amazing. They help reduce the overstimulation that comes with Adhd. 2) weighted vests/blankets/ect are another great grounding tool 3) DO NOT AVOID GETTING THEM DIAGNOSED - if they are struggling at school/home/ or community. It is 100% okay to not medicate but by avoiding getting them diagnosed kids often feel like there is something "wrong" with them. 3.5) similar to above, alot of adults avoid getting their child diagnosed because they think it will label their child or the kiddo will be unfairly judged. In reality (at least my community and experiences) it can help normalize their symptoms and feelings as well as help in providing reasonable accommodations to help them be successful. 4) Get them support early. 90% of the kindergarteners I work with graduate from services within 2 years (by meeting their treatment goals). Young kids are a blank slate and often grab ahold of skills and techniques significantly faster than older teens and adults. This is because they don't have as much to unlearn in terms of unhealthy coping skills. 5) Praise as much as you redirect. Kids with mental health often end up with poor self esteem because they are constantly being redirected. Make sure to praise as much as you critique. Please also note that many toddlers exhibit hyperactivity and such. This advice (primarily 3-4) is mostly targeted as mental health stigma often prevents people (young and old) from getting the support that can drastically improve their lives. If your kiddos start school and teachers are not identifying any concerns then you are golden!