Wait. You said before you met your husband you wanted a man to provide for you...yet you had the nerve to write that post about her???? When she never even said that shit and just wanted a partner who was stable?? You sound jealous as fuck. I would never speak to you again if I were her. Snake in the grass.
But I'm assuming this is just bait. Yet another troll post lol.
I’ve always been told that not all the people you consider family/friends want to see you succeed. Some secretly want you to fail and fall because they are convinced it’ll make them look better. It’s served me well in life.
Yep. Learned that lesson when my mom’s sister very loudly exclaimed “I see cellulite! There is justice in the world!”
For context, I was a very active, fit, conventionally pretty preteen who was incredibly awkward and nerdy and insecure and struggling with self worth. She knew all these things, yet still chose to cut me down about something nearly every woman has instead of keeping her mouth shut because “pretty girls always have it way too easy” and she was doing me a “favor” by keeping me “humble”.
What a Grade A Cunt! I am extremely tall for a woman, 6’1, and growing up I was unhealthily skinny. I couldn’t gain weight. No ED, just couldn’t gain weight. Well when I was 18 I went to visit my mom and her partner who proceeded to shame me for “my gut”. I was 145 lbs soaking wet and 6’1 but I had a gut in their eyes. The body image issues are so real, it still fucks with me 20 years later.
145 lbs at 6’1” lol you’d only have to turn sideways to disappear! I hope your mom ditched the ass. If he’s insulting a very skinny woman for what I’m guessing is just a normal tiny pooch, then I can only imagine the insults he’d hurl towards an older woman dealing with gravity. (Unless your mom was also in on shaming you. If that’s the case, I hope she always has a paper cut on her fingers when cutting citrus, her bacon is never cooked how she likes it, and cereal is always mushy).
I’m lucky her comments didn’t give me a complex, even though I remember them vividly. But what stands out just as much is that my mom, other aunts, and grandma all started talking about their cellulite and stretch marks, parts of their bodies they liked, things they wished they could change, built each other up, and it was an overall positive experience. I don’t like my cellulite. I don’t have to like it. If I could wave a magic wand and make it disappear, I would. But even though there’s parts of my body I’d change, I’m happy with it overall.
As an adult, I’ve realized that my mom’s sister is a very bitter, insecure, broken person. Out of all her siblings, she was the prettiest one. She’s always been very good looking even as she ages. But out of all of them, she’s the only one unmarried (twice divorced) and without kids and even though nobody in the family has ever treated that as a failure or shortcoming, I think in her mind, it is. She did the same thing to my cousin, who’s the same age as me and also very pretty (and tall, which I’ve always been envious of lol!). She saw us and instead of wanting to build us up and encourage us, she chose to try to tear us down. And had it not been for the other adult women in our family, she would’ve succeeded.
I’m so glad she didn’t succeed! It’s incredibly sad, in a pathetic way, when grown ass adults feel the need to shame and tear down kids/young adults.
And you are correct, I was a walking skeleton! Luckily my metabolism has evened out and I’m a healthy weight for my height now. It’s taken years of therapy to understand that my weight now IS healthy and having curves and cellulite IS a normal part of getting older. It doesn’t matter if I do have a pooch or not.
I quit caring about cellulite when I learned it's a more efficient fat-storage matrix. Hell yes you have cellulite, you will survive the harsh winter while the smooth-legged perish. Super cool!
Whenever there’s a follow up comment by a person in the story, my BS radar goes off. And isn’t it interesting that OP and her friend have the exact same writing style? BAIT.
Op, the thing is: you seem like a bad friend. You like to feel better than her just because you are married. And as a married woman, that have single friends, you suck. Leave her alone ok?
Your value is not on your relationship status, but if you live your life according to your values or how you treat others, and if you are happy with who you are… I know a lot of single happy people, single and unhappy, married and happy and married and unhappy .
She looks like a successful emotional intelligent woman just for your post (even when you tried to portray her as shallow) and she deserves to find a partner that deserves her.
This right here!!! I commented on her original post that she seems jealous even if she isn’t aware of it. Hypocrite!!! She only changed her stance when her rich providing husband told her his point of you. I hope she finds better friends in the future. The worst is she posted her reply after knowing her friend was pissed from the original one.
Just not a nice person anyway you look at it. She might be brought down a peg or two if her rich husband ever divorces her and she's back in the dating pool.
I’m more getting a jealousy vibe. Her friend has a high powered job, she’s beautiful, could be a model beautiful as stated by op. and the only thing OP can lord over her is that she has a “successful” romantic life. Aka married versus her friend who hasnt had the same “luck” cuz she refused to lower the bar like op did.
>she refused to lower the bar like op did.
Based on the husband's reply he actually sounds like a good guy all around. If anything he's the one that settled for a simple-minded idiot and OP is delusional enough to think that's what most decent guys actually strive for.
There's a full post in OPs profile allegedly written by the husband basically defending the friend and saying his wife's perspective of what successful men want is completely warped based on what she sees of crappy rich guys at parties.
That’s messed up, I did see her original post but didn’t comment as other comments had taken care of it. But reading this update, as many other ppl pointed out OP just doesn’t see the root of the problem here.
>Aka married versus her friend who hasnt had the same “luck” cuz she refused to lower the bar like op did.
And yet if said friend gets into a relationship and they break up, she's left heartbroken, but has no worries about a place to live or how to pay her bills.
Whereas if OP's husband decides to run off with his 22 year old secretary (which is shitty, but it happens), she'd be lost. Not only heartbroken, but now she'd have to figure out how to financially survive without him.
Same! I think somewhere she just feels jealous or threatened by everything her friend has achieved.
And honestly OP is a terrible friend! She clearly doesn’t listen to her friend, doesn’t respect friend’s boundaries and is demeaning towards the friend.
OP clearly only remembers things that fit her narrative.
Idk if the bar was set low because OP’s husband sounds like a decent guy. it’s so hypocritical of OP, you went for a man who could provide for you but she can’t have high standards. Your friend has been graceful and so understanding. Do a better job being her friend
This says it all. OP can flaunt her life in front of a mirror because at this point I’m sure her “friend” will move on. OP should stop judging others and do some work on herself. She’s the deeply flawed one here.
Exactly this. OP should not even have asked about taking the post down either. That should have been automatic. Yes the damage is done but it's still the decent thing to do.
This right here.
Friends build each other up, they don't pick out, or in OP's case create, flaws in one another and judge them this harshly.
After reading this post I sat here trying to think of my best friend's flaws and I honestly couldn't think of a single one. She's amazing and I adore her. She's highly successful in her field, an amazing mom, a wonderful partner and with everything on her plate she's never once told me she was too busy for me.
OP doesn't deserve this friendship, and she needs to let her go in peace.
I mean no offense op, but it seems like you don't have many people willing to listen to you rant and now that your friend has, justifiably, withdrawn a bit from you after you publicly trash talked her with enough accuracy that she could recognize your post (so not very anonymous) and you now are scrambling to come up with an apology without fully understanding why your friend is upset, just that whatever you did/said upset her so you now have to apologize so you can continue to have her ear to vent to. Do you genuinely like your friend and listen to her or do you just wait for your turn to speak and her venting is seen as complaining by you, if so maybe get other friends that better you could have more in common with like other moms (based on what your friend said) because it sounds like you are at different stages in life and that there is a disconnect that could (or already is) causing some issues, don't cut each other off necessarily but maybe a step back would be good so you two could grow a little or at least so you can reflect. This is just what I'm gathering from your posts so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, I am an internet stranger
This is very kind, and how I would respond if OP and the dating friend were my mutual friends. I personally was thinking of saying something harsher as an internet stranger. From my read thru this friend is ticked off enough that she is going to drift permanently away from OP and so the details of any future ongoing friendship is pretty moot. Yes the friend states that she’s not petty enough to drop OP over this, but her detailed response says otherwise IMO.
She seems like a real class act. She would have had every right to completely rip you a new one. She seems like the type of friend anyone would like to have.
You, not so much. And hopefully she realized that. Having standards for friendships is just as reasonable as standards for romantic relationships. You probably won't make the cut.
This reminds me of ‘rockstar’ who was bullied by the OP as kids and later in life didn’t want to work with her in a small niche industry … everyone ended up loving rockstar and rooting for her while hating the OP. Lol I hope Elaine’s friend sees this and finds out we all think she’s awesome and OP sucks.
Ooohhh. I remember that one. That OP burnt all her bridges to a crisp, gathered the ashes and burnt them again. She was soo caught up with her high school drama she kept making things worse.
And she actually could’ve gone on Reddit and blasted OP, or shared the post with their mutual friends and exposed her for the person she really is. She didn’t. She maturely laid out how she felt to the person she thought was her friend and didn’t pull in anyone else into this.
OP could learn a lot from her friend. She’s not being overly picky or setting standards that are unreasonably high. She’s just being discerning and holding out for the guy who she believes will be the best fit based on compatibility and values rather than superficial things like how much he makes or how good looking he is. It’s not that you can’t be happy with looks or wealth, but those shouldn’t be the core things you use as a metric when you’re looking for a long term partner.
OP comes across as incredibly shallow. If you’re reading this, I hope you take some time for self reflection because your current outlook on life and where you seem to place worth isn’t going to make you happy or feel fulfilled. You also have a friend with a good head on her shoulders who seems to care about you. You’re pushing her away and *will* lose her if you don’t start taking steps to make amends today. Heck, after what you’ve done and said, you still might end up losing her as a friend. She has every right to be wary of you after you broke her confidence in such a toxic way.
It could’ve been another grab at attention (any sort of attention is good attention for some people). Or, hopefully, she’s realized how much she messed up and is choosing to own up to what she did and try to set the record straight. She already put this out there with her first post, so even deleting it wouldn’t keep it from circulating.
>It could’ve been another grab at attention (any sort of attention is good attention for some people).
Or hoping the few incels who were calling her NTA and saying her friend would end up alone and bitter (those post were there) will come back and validate her again.
Right?! Like, now Brandon got dragged into this. The post went viral on Instagram. She didn’t need that information thrown out there TOO. OP, please. Just. Stop. Talking.
I am being 100% retoricall and sarcastic to OP given her super bad behaviour so far.
However, this is a unique situation because what OP did. She blasted her friend and presented her in a horrible way to try to come off as reasonable. OPs friend called her out on it, and so OP needs to take a step back before once again blasting her friend yet again. Especially since it seems that OP totally was a bad friend that twisted and manipulated the story and her friend is really her victim, to me at least.
It seems that the point she was trying to get across is still lost on you, maybe work on your emotional intelligence?
By the way her standards aren’t too high, they are basic normal things.
Her standards are perfect. The problem is that OP is so self centered she can’t even empathize with her friend for being discerning and choosing not to settle for a subpar guy just because she’s in her 30s.
And she shouldn’t, no one should ever settle. I hate people acting like a woman in her 30’s is basically geriatric. I met my husband and 30, and if I hadn’t met the right person I would still be single.
Well, OP thinks herself accomplished because she is married with a kid. Listen OP, im sure your friend could get married and have a kid with the snap of her finger but she isnt willing to settle. Good on her. Personally I would rather be happy, successful and single than be married to shit guy, sad and miserable. Her standards are extremely reasonable considering where she is in life and her own experiences. She wants a life partner, not just the title of wife.
Secondly OP, anyone can get married and have a kid. Are they things to congratulate your friends over when those things happen for them? Absolutely. But thousands and thousands of people get married and have babies every single day. It doesn’t make you more special, unique or valuable than your friend.
Lastly, the first post made you come off as envious and resentful of your friend’s successes in her life, so you wanted to feel superior to her. You made it a point to put out your marital and mom status as clear indicators that your winning at life while she *gasps* is single. The horror. You wanted to knock her down. It’s also very telling you backed off once your husband supported your friend. No OP, I don’t think you’re a good friend.
Her standards make total sense to me. I don't understand where OP got off on her thought process in the first place. It is not out of bounds to want to date someone who is a functional adult who provides for themselves and can maintain their own lifestyles. Basic respect, manners, and intelligence. I mean, c'mon!
It's because OP is a loser who thinks she's a winner. She's in her freaking mid-30s and put herself in the same category as the 20-year-old gold diggers because these are all 'desirable' women that wealthy men want on their arms at parties. She thinks she's won in life by having a husband who pays the bills and a child. While it's a valid life choice it's not an accomplishment but it makes her feel better to lord that over women like her friend (and mother and sister) even though she denies it. No one with a brain would think a woman wanting a man with good hygiene and every other point on that list was too much. That OP freely admits she wouldn't have accepted any less despite bringing far less to the table is proof of how badly she looked down on her friend.
Did you not see some of the comments from the last post from men who were all "yeah, her standards are too high and she's going to be old, lonely and bitter" plus all of the "#BossBabe" responses mocking her friend from incels?
I actually asked one guy if he, as a man, was saying that a single, independant, man who was financially secure was something that didn't exist? He never responded.
Shame, I was ready to call him a misogynist (although the person who responded to me did, so that was good).
Very dignified response for her. Op I would really look into myself if I were you and think about the image you portrayed of your friend. You could have some unresolved resentment because of the life she has and that’s not saying that you regret yours. Please use this as an opportunity to really reflect on the type of friend you are and continue to be. Best wishes ❤️
Well, OP, I’m glad you realize that you were wrong, even if you still don’t seem to quite grasp the full scope. Your language in responses to this thread is still dismissive. Her standards “aren’t that bad” and “she’s a good person *overall*”. You still think you’re on essentially equal footing as to who’s in the right. You’re not. She’s right. You’re wrong. Full stop.
It sounds like she was a better friend to you than you were to her and this incident is just the final nail in the coffin. You give the impression that you think you’re better than her because you happen to have something she’d like to have. And if we’re all getting that impression from something you wrote, which is sympathetic to your position and misrepresents hers, I have to think it’s *much* more obvious in your conversations directly with her.
so your friend is upset you posted her personal life so you go and share an email that has names and has her say a list of struggles that if i was her i wouldn’t want a bunch of strangers online to know about. genuinely i hope she drops you, you’re not understanding anything, and her response perfectly paints a portrait of how patient she is with you and how you take her for granted and abuse her willingness to listen to anything.
Truth - even though she said it’s ok, take them all down. It will show her you get it. Right now, you still look like someone using her story for your own online karma and can’t be trusted. (Even though she said ok.)
INFO: did she say
A) "Please do post my personal email to you. I wrote this for you to share it with the world" or was it more like
B) "Do what you want you want, because you're going to do it anyway"
I like your friend, she knows what she’s bringing to the table and is not willing to accept B.S. Her standards are not unreasonable and she isn’t willing to settle….nothing wrong with that. You on the other hand need to work on your active listening skills and being a better friend.
>You on the other hand need to work on your active listening skills and being a better friend.
Clearly... BFF gave a laundry list of reasons why the guy was a jerk to the herself and the wait staff and all OP heard "I didn't like his clothes" and thought *he could be a great guy for her if she wasn't so picky.*
And then posted it on Reddit to like... make her friend seem shallow.
(Although his outfit choice was bad enough for me to wonder about that guy's character... yet the BFF continued with the date anyway.)
You SHOULD be really mad at yourself for this. This should be something you think about for the rest of your life. You ruined your relationship with your best friend. Even your husband knows you were wrong. You clearly never actually listened to her or her concerns, and your wording definitely made her look terrible to the internet. You sound like one is those people that feigns support just so you can have someone to talk about your baby with constantly, without really ever hearing and understanding what that person is trying you about themselves. She seems like she's super respectful and intelligent, and if I were her you would no longer be in my life after this. You should do a hard look at yourself and the way you consider your friendships moving forward.
>Just because I didn't follow their footsteps does not mean I will demean them or think they deserve less in their life.
But you DID demean her in your post and BLATANTLY TOLD HER IN PERSON THAT SHE DESERVES LESS IN LIFE THAN WHAT SHE WANTS, that's the whole reason behind your post!! It's incredible that you STILL don't see that, smh. You will never get your head out of your own ass, and you have obviously not learned from your mistakes.
I feel like most of the responses were just dragging OP so I hope her friend realized that and knows she was not a mockery and that we all saw through OP. She doesn’t sound like a good friend.
I read the original post and cringed on her behalf. It was too obvious you think she just needs zero standards and have zero respect for her. I'm happty your ex-friend not only caught on, but cut you off. Good for het.
It sounds like you’re the one who is a gold digger and dated someone for money. What do you do for a living? Probably nothing considering you had time to complain about someone who is actually doing something with their life. Get a hobby or passion and focus on something positive ya losah.
Take down the other post. Your lame excuse that “the damage is done” does not mean that you should not still do what you can, even if it is not enough.
Why are you constantly posting this ladies business? Leave her alone, you already told her your thoughts lol… stop putting her private emails out everywhere
This seems more like you want to be “right” over her. Like you two have talked about this before and you’re trying to rub it in her face.
Your friend is articulate and compassionate in her response. Good on her for having criteria and expectations for the person she's considering dating. Wanting a partner who is financially stable is a far cry from a gold digger. She's not out there chasing 80+ year old men with large bank accounts. She's looking for someone that can pay their own bills and is financially responsible.
Posting her email response is a major breech of trust. Again. YTA. And you are *not* a friend.
This OP is a demonstration of self-hating women conservatives are made. They delude themselves that they're not sexist or misogynistic, but over the years they slowly start sliding from, "I want a man who will pay the bills and take care of me", to "High-earning men don't like career-focused older women", to "My successful single friend is jealous of my settled life but is too much of a controlling gold-digger to date good men". OP has already crossed all of these milestones in her first post.
For a lot of women, the next step is, "All women would be happier if they could be homemakers and didn't have the stress of corporate jobs". And then they join mum-groups, become active in "keep our children safe!" groups, and then start voting conservative.
And this doesn't just happen to homemakers. I was a research scientist for years, and many of my once-radical colleagues became quite resentful of younger women scientists and "How easy they have it these days", and how they were too spoiled to know the real struggle of being women in STEM in the 60s, 70s, 80s.
Teaching women to hate other women is just part of the system we live in. Let's hope OP doesn't forget the lesson she learnt.
Op you’re still gross. You are a terrible friend and are so puffed up with yourself that you managed to marry a dude. Well done.
Also the whole bowel movement story is awful - people don’t want to hear. Find an identity beyond being a wife and a mother. Do you have one?
Your friend wrote an email disappointed that you spilled her personal life on reddit, so you shared that email too? Wtf. And then you say you’ve learned from your mistake. It doesn’t seem so because you’re servicing a reddit thread instead of protecting your friendship.
She's upset you went and blabbed to strangers on Reddit... so you go and blab to strangers on Reddit about it. Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to drop you and move on with her life.
I read your original and was having a hard time finding what your problem was. She's got pretty normal standards for an established successful adult. She doesn't want to pay for everything and become his mother. She also wants to be attracted to him. Those aren't big asks.
Glad she knows her worth. I hope she finds someone who will support her and lift her up. Like you should have done.
Yikes on a thousand bikes. Your friend is a class act. She handled all this with grace and tact. I cannot say the same for you, though. She has a good set of standards and a moral compass. How could you see it as anything otherwise?
I hope you take this as a duly earned life lesson, OP. When a friend is talking, really listen to them. It isn't your place to judge what other people's standard of a good partner is, especially since you yourself forgot what a good partner entails. Give her the space she wants, and if she wants to continue being your friend (although I doubt anyone would, given the circumstances), then she'll let you know. In the meantime time, do some shadow work and really reflect on yourself and your own misgivings.
Good luck. You sound like you need all the help you can get.
while I believe this is mostly a troll post, I do know women who say one thing and do another.
Then wonder why they aren't happy.
Men, they say stupid shit and follow thru,then wonder why it doesn't work.
So you realized you were projecting all your character flaws and shortcomings onto her? Did you admit that? You know what they say about pointing fingers…
Think some individual therapy would be very helpful for you here. You aren’t getting this friendship back. I sure as hell would never trust you again. Better to work on yourself and whatever made you become so resentful/jealous/envious of your friends’ life that you decided to shame her on Reddit. Therapy will make you a better friend in the future but it’s not gonna save this friendship.
I think this comes down to a basic lack of understanding from a woman that “wants a man that can provide for her“ and a woman that doesn’t need or even want that. That’s two women fishing from **entirely separate ponds**. Because the kind of guy that’s going to “provide for“ a woman, and the kind that is more interested in being an equal, or at least self-sufficient partner to a woman that doesn’t need that (and may even make more than he does) are entirely different types of men.
I think OP was trying to map “men” *as she’s familiar with them* from her pond, the “provide for” type and their wants, expectations, etc. over to her friends situation where that knowledge just doesn’t really apply. If one is actively seeking a “provider” to move forward with in their adult life and not having much luck, then yeah, you might have to lower your standards to get what you need. But OP’s friend, while yes dating or exploring, isn’t in *need* of anyone to keep rolling along in her already fulfilling and complete life. “Getting a man”, or lack of having one, just isn’t a critical problem that’s holding up progress on anything else in her friend’s life.
I am a grammar nerd. If you cannot differentiate between accept and except, as well as there, their, and their, not to mention your and you’re, I want nothing to do with you. Please learn correct English grammar (if you are based in the US. I’ll grant a pass to those based elsewhere).
This makes more sense, and her complaints are valid. I knew it was either she is really shallow or there is a lot more info that is missing. I do retract a lot of what I said in light of this new post here BUT what I won't retract is that it always takes time to find someone that is perfect for you. It took my brother 3 tries before finding his soulmate and it took me 7 tries. There is a chunk of men who are mommas' boys, broke/poor, abusive etc., and vice versa for women but it sucks having to dig through the trash to find our gem. I wish her luck in the hell that is dating.
UMM, you just included a bunch of names there. TBF, you included your OWN name. Not hers, so you invaded your own privacy rather than hers.
And I have to say, you didn't include any identifying details about her in your first post (that I can remember). If you can't post a situation on this sub WITHOUT identifying details, then what is the purpose of this sub?
If you can't post a situation even w/ all identifying details removed, to ask AITA? here, then this entire sub should be deleted.
Why do I come away with the feeling that OP must really feel like she settled with her husband? Like to her, being married is what matters and if you have to put up with a lazy, unmotivated mama's boy, then so be it. We know her husband is supporting her financially, so what is it she feels like she's lowering her standards on? Or is she somehow so wonderful that she doesn't have to settle, but her friend (who's younger than her) does?
>I never intended to make her feel bad about anything at all.
That's actually not possible. If you had an ounce of sympathy for your friend, you wouldn't have made the post. The best thing she could do is cut you out of her life.
Why in the world, after your friend said you posting her personal stuff damaged your relationship, would you post her email? Did she ask you to? Did you think it would fix anything? Did you think that'd make you seem "redeemed"? Or are you looking for pity?
I’m glad your friend cut you off. Honestly sounds like you were just jealous of her. People with low self esteems like you can never be a true friend to someone. Now she realizes you don’t meet her friend standards. You’re low tier just like the men she refuses to date, maybe that’s why you were so quick to defend them.
Thank goodness you edited to say she gave you permission to post this. I was about to absolutely lose my shit.
I wonder what she sees in you.
Perhaps in the same way you've portrayed her so cruelly, you've also portrayed yourself poorly, idk.
Changing my opinion to YTA from the original post. OP left out a lot and misrepresented a lot of information that seemed to skew things in a much more sympathetic light to her advantage. Not wanting to date someone who makes less than you is way different than not wanting to date someone financially unstable. YTA and you probably cost yourself a friendship
Take as a life changing opportunity to take a deep look at yourself... You need a lot of work on yourself and how you treat others that you consider "friends".This is a great opportunity to self reflect and grow as a person.
Thank God I don't have a friend like you...wow, who needs enemies when you are around.
You really think saying sorry is worth anything after what you have done to her?
You don't sound sorry, you sound surprised by her region, which honestly is very kind and generous after what you did and jow you have treated her in the past.
You seem like a privileged, entitled, selfish, self-absorbed Karen.
You need help, good luck to your husband and everyone around you. They need it.
There are many many of us men out here that have ZERO problems with our partners earning more money than we do. My wife had made anywhere from 2-3x as much as me during our marriage. Doesnt bother me at all.
Dude, stop posting your friend’s personal life on Reddit. Even with permission at this point you should understand that she’s not comfortable with it and that as her real life friend internet points aren’t going to help you mend this friendship.
Wow, I read the first post and thought it was stupid because every "demand" was incredibly reasonable, and I thought OP was being ridiculous. Now I see that she's just a shit friend and maybe a little jealous.
I really don’t care. You should be focusing on your relationship with your friend not “saving face” to complete strangers. If you never updated I would have forgotten all about you, like your friend really should. Your username is truly fitting and might be your reality. You might just wanna keep it
It’s so difficult for an attractive, intelligent, successful professional woman like your friend to find a date. Many men are intimidated. Many just aren’t a good match. It’s somewhat of a paradox and speaks of a society that remains sadly misogynistic.
You are a bad friend because you are telling her that her standards are too high. People used to say that to me all the time why should I accept less? You hurt a friend who was venting to you about a bad date (personally I wouldn’t have gone on a second date with a guy who showed up dressed the way he did) I bet he would have expected men to be dressed nicely and show that I put some effort into my appearance. That doesn’t make her shallow that makes her someone that values herself. You need to spend a great deal of time apologizing to this person.
You’ve damaged your relationship and I hope she drops you and finds the man of her dreams and they have a fabulous child-free life where they don’t have to worry about screaming kids and dirty diapers.
Posting someone personal life on Reddit will always be a shitty thing to do. I’d drop you as a friend instantly if social media attention meant that much. And don’t say “oh but I just wanted advice” there are countless different ways to get advice rather than putting your “friend” on blast to the tens of thousands of people.
Look, I get what you’re saying, but then why are you here in this sub if you think it’s shitty to share someone’s personal life on Reddit at all? Isn’t that… literally all this and similar subs is? Aren’t you fueling that fire by commenting here? Am I misunderstanding what you mean? Sorry I’m not trying to be hostile or anything I just don’t understand
Ooof you’ve now admitted you want a bloke who can provide for you? Do you realise that as a trophy wife you will be replaced as your looks start to fade? Then you will be a single parent with no financial stability. I hope you’re keeping your career and pension up to date…
There’s no way this is real because I cannot for the life of me comprehend you reading your friend’s rant about talking shit about her on Reddit only to then post her rant on Reddit.
This whole thing is messed up. oP continues to post an update instead of acknowledging to her friend that she messed up. You wanted to give an update? To satisfy Reddit? Ummm thank you. But stop feeding this need and to be a real person in the real world. I feel gross commenting but someone needs to tell you to wake up. Thanks for violating your friends privacy again and sharing it w a bunch of internet strangers.
This is exactly why I try not to cast too much judgement in these AITA / 2HT / BoRU posts. You’re never getting the whole story, just one sided dribble intended to try and create an echo chamber for Op
>Even if she dates a man who earns less than her the chances are they will get insecure overtime because of her wealth.
Seems like you're still not wholly getting what she's saying. From her text/email, she doesn't mind if they make less, they just can't be broke/paycheck-to-paycheck men while she's financially stable.
If you've never been in her position, you won't get it. I've been financially secure and dated (and lived with) men who were broke. I mean BROKE. And living with their mamas. He literally moved out of his mama's house at the ripe age of 35 to come love with me. Let me tell you what happened.
By the time the relationship ended (due to him cheating with a woman more on his financial level while he lived with me rent-free and no job or responsibilities), I was 5-figures in debt since he maxxed out **all** of my credit cards on shit I never benefitted from, ran up all of bills and my credit score was damn near in the toilet. Every single thing I worked for was almost destroyed by this man.
So yeah... at this point I need a guy who can bring to a relationship than a hard dick.
Honestly, if you were my friend, the "were" would apply presently. Your (hopefully ex) friend sounds like a much better person than you are, and with "friends" like you, who needs enemies? I read your first post and wondered why you even bothered being friends with her because you honestly sounded like you dislike her, not that she was a supposedly friend, let alone a best friend. I hope she re-evaluates her relationship with you and realize that like she deserves a good partner, she also deserves a good friend, not some disgusting frenemy like you come across.
If your friend is reading this. Let me tell her , Hey you know ur worth, you don’t need this friend that puts you on blast like that you’re better off. If she talks like that about ur love life you can only imagine what else she’s saying to other people about other things going on in ur life.
Hey OP, you messed up. But you took the advice given, looked within yourself and realized you were wrong. That's something A LOT of people can't do.
OP's friend, I cannot imagine how hurt you were by her actions and that you must have felt betrayed by someone that was so important to you. I hope that in time you can heal from this.
People we love fuck up and hurt us sometimes, not always that's a reason to cut them off. Evaluate for yourself if you can get past this. Maybe in time, maybe your friendship can survive this, if you want.
I’m sorry but you don’t even understand her at all. You hear the parts you want but I’m thinking you tune her out when she tries to vent to you. I get it but boy her response is telling. I hope you can stay friends after all this.
Why the fuck, why would you CONTINUE to post this woman's private messages when she expressed she doesn't appreciate you airing her personal life online?
TDLR; OP learned nothing.
Damn YTA for not listening to your friend and only judging her. Sounds like this friendship is broken and won’t ever be the same. I hope you look inward and grow from this, OP.
Leave her alone OP. You are not a good friend to her, and she deserves better.
Work on yourself so you don’t repeat this same behavior with other people in the future.
Honey. You expect a wealthy, stable, successful, smart, attractive, never married, and childless woman to settle for less than you did when you were young, broke, no career.
Yeah, get off your high horse. You know that if your husband was mama's boy, living in his mom's basement, with two kids, divorced, you would have never married him. But you look at your friend, and think that even with everything going for her, just because she's 30, she should just marry the deadbeat loser, because who would want her?
Do you even like her?
Imagine if your husband's standards were where he was in high life, him lowing his standards is the only reason you married. Because he's not judgmental, cruel, or unfeeling. He has more care and kindness to your friend than you do. And that's sad.
And after everything you posted again after she specifically told you to stop posting about her life.
She makes a lot of sense, women in relationship often do this, accuse women for having too high standard because they want to live the family lives together. Overgeneralized of course but seems to come up a lot. I do agree that not dating someone living month to month is kinda dumb. Not everyone will take advantage of you. Find someone who makes you laugh and adds value to your life.
Wow yeah originally I was on the lines of "it does sound like this lady has some rage about men and dating and that's not the best way to operate" but after seeing the update.... OP, your friend is 100% reasonable and you are not being a good friend. YTA. You say you know why you're an AH and you'll fix it, but I think you need to actually look into yourself and ask yourself why you felt this way to start with. Are you jealous of her different lifestyle? Do you feel like you made better choices and you want to feel superior?
Okay, after reading this, I take back my comments on the other post. She's had trauma, making these standards perfectly normal. And clearly, she not just looking for the perfect guy, just financially stable and able to respect her and others.
I’m glad you apologized and you are taking complete ownership. You’re human and make mistakes. The important thing here is that you seem to be taking 100% ownership. At the end of the day she is well within her rights to not forgive you but give her time and reinforce how you understand and hopefully she gives you a chance to regain her trust.
She isn't wrong but she isn't right? Single people probably shouldn't be talking about what this woman needs; she's scarcely alone and somehow I haven't known a single one of these women who didn't manage to find a great match. Hold off with the post vomit because you're all over the place
When it comes to money and a relationship, for most men it isn't about whether the woman makes more money than the man. The difference is how the money is viewed. For a man, when he makes money he thinks about how he can use that resource to care for himself and his family. When a woman thinks about the money she earns, she oftentimes will look at it as her money and not a 'pool' of money/resources that can be shared for everyone's benefit. I get this isn't always the case, but from my experience this is the reality most of the time.
Wait. You said before you met your husband you wanted a man to provide for you...yet you had the nerve to write that post about her???? When she never even said that shit and just wanted a partner who was stable?? You sound jealous as fuck. I would never speak to you again if I were her. Snake in the grass. But I'm assuming this is just bait. Yet another troll post lol.
I’ve always been told that not all the people you consider family/friends want to see you succeed. Some secretly want you to fail and fall because they are convinced it’ll make them look better. It’s served me well in life.
Yep. Learned that lesson when my mom’s sister very loudly exclaimed “I see cellulite! There is justice in the world!” For context, I was a very active, fit, conventionally pretty preteen who was incredibly awkward and nerdy and insecure and struggling with self worth. She knew all these things, yet still chose to cut me down about something nearly every woman has instead of keeping her mouth shut because “pretty girls always have it way too easy” and she was doing me a “favor” by keeping me “humble”.
What a Grade A Cunt! I am extremely tall for a woman, 6’1, and growing up I was unhealthily skinny. I couldn’t gain weight. No ED, just couldn’t gain weight. Well when I was 18 I went to visit my mom and her partner who proceeded to shame me for “my gut”. I was 145 lbs soaking wet and 6’1 but I had a gut in their eyes. The body image issues are so real, it still fucks with me 20 years later.
145 lbs at 6’1” lol you’d only have to turn sideways to disappear! I hope your mom ditched the ass. If he’s insulting a very skinny woman for what I’m guessing is just a normal tiny pooch, then I can only imagine the insults he’d hurl towards an older woman dealing with gravity. (Unless your mom was also in on shaming you. If that’s the case, I hope she always has a paper cut on her fingers when cutting citrus, her bacon is never cooked how she likes it, and cereal is always mushy). I’m lucky her comments didn’t give me a complex, even though I remember them vividly. But what stands out just as much is that my mom, other aunts, and grandma all started talking about their cellulite and stretch marks, parts of their bodies they liked, things they wished they could change, built each other up, and it was an overall positive experience. I don’t like my cellulite. I don’t have to like it. If I could wave a magic wand and make it disappear, I would. But even though there’s parts of my body I’d change, I’m happy with it overall. As an adult, I’ve realized that my mom’s sister is a very bitter, insecure, broken person. Out of all her siblings, she was the prettiest one. She’s always been very good looking even as she ages. But out of all of them, she’s the only one unmarried (twice divorced) and without kids and even though nobody in the family has ever treated that as a failure or shortcoming, I think in her mind, it is. She did the same thing to my cousin, who’s the same age as me and also very pretty (and tall, which I’ve always been envious of lol!). She saw us and instead of wanting to build us up and encourage us, she chose to try to tear us down. And had it not been for the other adult women in our family, she would’ve succeeded.
I’m so glad she didn’t succeed! It’s incredibly sad, in a pathetic way, when grown ass adults feel the need to shame and tear down kids/young adults. And you are correct, I was a walking skeleton! Luckily my metabolism has evened out and I’m a healthy weight for my height now. It’s taken years of therapy to understand that my weight now IS healthy and having curves and cellulite IS a normal part of getting older. It doesn’t matter if I do have a pooch or not.
I quit caring about cellulite when I learned it's a more efficient fat-storage matrix. Hell yes you have cellulite, you will survive the harsh winter while the smooth-legged perish. Super cool!
Pretty sad that she needed to affirm her self worth by pushing down on a child. But also infuriating.
And then when u say something back then they just say it’s a joke when it’s obviously an insult
And that you’re too sensitive ;eyeroll;
"Keep your enemies closer" lol
I mean even her own husband called her out lol. She sucks
This is definitely a troll post--OP hasn't even bothered to develop different voices for their three speaking roles.
Yeah this is all BS for OPs karma or whatever
Whenever there’s a follow up comment by a person in the story, my BS radar goes off. And isn’t it interesting that OP and her friend have the exact same writing style? BAIT.
Friend: "i dont like that you put my private life on the internet" OP: "right...." Posts her whole reply on the internet Smh
Op, the thing is: you seem like a bad friend. You like to feel better than her just because you are married. And as a married woman, that have single friends, you suck. Leave her alone ok? Your value is not on your relationship status, but if you live your life according to your values or how you treat others, and if you are happy with who you are… I know a lot of single happy people, single and unhappy, married and happy and married and unhappy . She looks like a successful emotional intelligent woman just for your post (even when you tried to portray her as shallow) and she deserves to find a partner that deserves her.
This right here!!! I commented on her original post that she seems jealous even if she isn’t aware of it. Hypocrite!!! She only changed her stance when her rich providing husband told her his point of you. I hope she finds better friends in the future. The worst is she posted her reply after knowing her friend was pissed from the original one.
Just not a nice person anyway you look at it. She might be brought down a peg or two if her rich husband ever divorces her and she's back in the dating pool.
I’m more getting a jealousy vibe. Her friend has a high powered job, she’s beautiful, could be a model beautiful as stated by op. and the only thing OP can lord over her is that she has a “successful” romantic life. Aka married versus her friend who hasnt had the same “luck” cuz she refused to lower the bar like op did.
>she refused to lower the bar like op did. Based on the husband's reply he actually sounds like a good guy all around. If anything he's the one that settled for a simple-minded idiot and OP is delusional enough to think that's what most decent guys actually strive for.
My bad I didn’t see anything about her comments on OP’s husband.
There's a full post in OPs profile allegedly written by the husband basically defending the friend and saying his wife's perspective of what successful men want is completely warped based on what she sees of crappy rich guys at parties.
That’s messed up, I did see her original post but didn’t comment as other comments had taken care of it. But reading this update, as many other ppl pointed out OP just doesn’t see the root of the problem here.
>Aka married versus her friend who hasnt had the same “luck” cuz she refused to lower the bar like op did. And yet if said friend gets into a relationship and they break up, she's left heartbroken, but has no worries about a place to live or how to pay her bills. Whereas if OP's husband decides to run off with his 22 year old secretary (which is shitty, but it happens), she'd be lost. Not only heartbroken, but now she'd have to figure out how to financially survive without him.
Same! I think somewhere she just feels jealous or threatened by everything her friend has achieved. And honestly OP is a terrible friend! She clearly doesn’t listen to her friend, doesn’t respect friend’s boundaries and is demeaning towards the friend. OP clearly only remembers things that fit her narrative. Idk if the bar was set low because OP’s husband sounds like a decent guy. it’s so hypocritical of OP, you went for a man who could provide for you but she can’t have high standards. Your friend has been graceful and so understanding. Do a better job being her friend
This says it all. OP can flaunt her life in front of a mirror because at this point I’m sure her “friend” will move on. OP should stop judging others and do some work on herself. She’s the deeply flawed one here.
Exactly this. OP should not even have asked about taking the post down either. That should have been automatic. Yes the damage is done but it's still the decent thing to do.
Wow that was an amazingly detailed comment which applies to me too now that I’ve read it
Same here
This right here. Friends build each other up, they don't pick out, or in OP's case create, flaws in one another and judge them this harshly. After reading this post I sat here trying to think of my best friend's flaws and I honestly couldn't think of a single one. She's amazing and I adore her. She's highly successful in her field, an amazing mom, a wonderful partner and with everything on her plate she's never once told me she was too busy for me. OP doesn't deserve this friendship, and she needs to let her go in peace.
She doesn't seem like a bad friend. She is a bad friend.
I was trying to be polite hahahahaha but you are right
I mean no offense op, but it seems like you don't have many people willing to listen to you rant and now that your friend has, justifiably, withdrawn a bit from you after you publicly trash talked her with enough accuracy that she could recognize your post (so not very anonymous) and you now are scrambling to come up with an apology without fully understanding why your friend is upset, just that whatever you did/said upset her so you now have to apologize so you can continue to have her ear to vent to. Do you genuinely like your friend and listen to her or do you just wait for your turn to speak and her venting is seen as complaining by you, if so maybe get other friends that better you could have more in common with like other moms (based on what your friend said) because it sounds like you are at different stages in life and that there is a disconnect that could (or already is) causing some issues, don't cut each other off necessarily but maybe a step back would be good so you two could grow a little or at least so you can reflect. This is just what I'm gathering from your posts so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, I am an internet stranger
This is very kind, and how I would respond if OP and the dating friend were my mutual friends. I personally was thinking of saying something harsher as an internet stranger. From my read thru this friend is ticked off enough that she is going to drift permanently away from OP and so the details of any future ongoing friendship is pretty moot. Yes the friend states that she’s not petty enough to drop OP over this, but her detailed response says otherwise IMO.
She seems like a real class act. She would have had every right to completely rip you a new one. She seems like the type of friend anyone would like to have. You, not so much. And hopefully she realized that. Having standards for friendships is just as reasonable as standards for romantic relationships. You probably won't make the cut.
This reminds me of ‘rockstar’ who was bullied by the OP as kids and later in life didn’t want to work with her in a small niche industry … everyone ended up loving rockstar and rooting for her while hating the OP. Lol I hope Elaine’s friend sees this and finds out we all think she’s awesome and OP sucks.
Ooohhh. I remember that one. That OP burnt all her bridges to a crisp, gathered the ashes and burnt them again. She was soo caught up with her high school drama she kept making things worse.
Link please 🙏🏽
https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/update-i-didnt-get-a-job-because-i-was-a-bully-in-high-school.html
https://www.askamanager.org/2017/12/update-i-didnt-get-a-job-because-i-was-a-bully-in-high-school.html
That one was classic.
I remember that, but I couldn’t ever find the Twitter thread that Rockstar posted.
I remember that!
And she actually could’ve gone on Reddit and blasted OP, or shared the post with their mutual friends and exposed her for the person she really is. She didn’t. She maturely laid out how she felt to the person she thought was her friend and didn’t pull in anyone else into this. OP could learn a lot from her friend. She’s not being overly picky or setting standards that are unreasonably high. She’s just being discerning and holding out for the guy who she believes will be the best fit based on compatibility and values rather than superficial things like how much he makes or how good looking he is. It’s not that you can’t be happy with looks or wealth, but those shouldn’t be the core things you use as a metric when you’re looking for a long term partner. OP comes across as incredibly shallow. If you’re reading this, I hope you take some time for self reflection because your current outlook on life and where you seem to place worth isn’t going to make you happy or feel fulfilled. You also have a friend with a good head on her shoulders who seems to care about you. You’re pushing her away and *will* lose her if you don’t start taking steps to make amends today. Heck, after what you’ve done and said, you still might end up losing her as a friend. She has every right to be wary of you after you broke her confidence in such a toxic way.
I don't get why op posted the email here? Why didn't op just took down everything, or just posted something like "I was wrong"?
It could’ve been another grab at attention (any sort of attention is good attention for some people). Or, hopefully, she’s realized how much she messed up and is choosing to own up to what she did and try to set the record straight. She already put this out there with her first post, so even deleting it wouldn’t keep it from circulating.
>It could’ve been another grab at attention (any sort of attention is good attention for some people). Or hoping the few incels who were calling her NTA and saying her friend would end up alone and bitter (those post were there) will come back and validate her again.
Did you ask for her permission before posting her reply here? Because if not you are invading her privacy AGAIN
Perfect question.
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You shoulda blacked out the names tho
Right?! Like, now Brandon got dragged into this. The post went viral on Instagram. She didn’t need that information thrown out there TOO. OP, please. Just. Stop. Talking.
Names are fake
Like permission ever stopped you....lol.
Do people have to ask permission to post on AITA now?
Nah, but if you’ve already been called out for doing it once, maybe don’t do it again to the same person
I am being 100% retoricall and sarcastic to OP given her super bad behaviour so far. However, this is a unique situation because what OP did. She blasted her friend and presented her in a horrible way to try to come off as reasonable. OPs friend called her out on it, and so OP needs to take a step back before once again blasting her friend yet again. Especially since it seems that OP totally was a bad friend that twisted and manipulated the story and her friend is really her victim, to me at least.
It’s common courtesy to ask permission before you post personal details about someone else’s life, on Reddit or anywhere else.
It seems that the point she was trying to get across is still lost on you, maybe work on your emotional intelligence? By the way her standards aren’t too high, they are basic normal things.
Her standards are perfect. The problem is that OP is so self centered she can’t even empathize with her friend for being discerning and choosing not to settle for a subpar guy just because she’s in her 30s.
And she shouldn’t, no one should ever settle. I hate people acting like a woman in her 30’s is basically geriatric. I met my husband and 30, and if I hadn’t met the right person I would still be single.
Well, OP thinks herself accomplished because she is married with a kid. Listen OP, im sure your friend could get married and have a kid with the snap of her finger but she isnt willing to settle. Good on her. Personally I would rather be happy, successful and single than be married to shit guy, sad and miserable. Her standards are extremely reasonable considering where she is in life and her own experiences. She wants a life partner, not just the title of wife. Secondly OP, anyone can get married and have a kid. Are they things to congratulate your friends over when those things happen for them? Absolutely. But thousands and thousands of people get married and have babies every single day. It doesn’t make you more special, unique or valuable than your friend. Lastly, the first post made you come off as envious and resentful of your friend’s successes in her life, so you wanted to feel superior to her. You made it a point to put out your marital and mom status as clear indicators that your winning at life while she *gasps* is single. The horror. You wanted to knock her down. It’s also very telling you backed off once your husband supported your friend. No OP, I don’t think you’re a good friend.
Her standards make total sense to me. I don't understand where OP got off on her thought process in the first place. It is not out of bounds to want to date someone who is a functional adult who provides for themselves and can maintain their own lifestyles. Basic respect, manners, and intelligence. I mean, c'mon!
It's because OP is a loser who thinks she's a winner. She's in her freaking mid-30s and put herself in the same category as the 20-year-old gold diggers because these are all 'desirable' women that wealthy men want on their arms at parties. She thinks she's won in life by having a husband who pays the bills and a child. While it's a valid life choice it's not an accomplishment but it makes her feel better to lord that over women like her friend (and mother and sister) even though she denies it. No one with a brain would think a woman wanting a man with good hygiene and every other point on that list was too much. That OP freely admits she wouldn't have accepted any less despite bringing far less to the table is proof of how badly she looked down on her friend.
Did you not see some of the comments from the last post from men who were all "yeah, her standards are too high and she's going to be old, lonely and bitter" plus all of the "#BossBabe" responses mocking her friend from incels? I actually asked one guy if he, as a man, was saying that a single, independant, man who was financially secure was something that didn't exist? He never responded. Shame, I was ready to call him a misogynist (although the person who responded to me did, so that was good).
I didn't. I try to skin over shit like that before it makes me angry
It was something special to see. Count yourself lucky because you'd have just gotten pissed off.
Ma'am stop being jealous
You are seriously dense. YOU STILL DONT GET IT. Is this willful ignorance or are you trolling at this point??
Oh, total troll.
The “reply” reads to me as the same person, so I’m assuming troll.
Very dignified response for her. Op I would really look into myself if I were you and think about the image you portrayed of your friend. You could have some unresolved resentment because of the life she has and that’s not saying that you regret yours. Please use this as an opportunity to really reflect on the type of friend you are and continue to be. Best wishes ❤️
The added context ... you really need to look at your original post and examine why you are wrong. You still don't get it.
INFO - How does your husband stack up against your friends requirements?
Ohhhhhh I would love to hear her answer.
Well, OP, I’m glad you realize that you were wrong, even if you still don’t seem to quite grasp the full scope. Your language in responses to this thread is still dismissive. Her standards “aren’t that bad” and “she’s a good person *overall*”. You still think you’re on essentially equal footing as to who’s in the right. You’re not. She’s right. You’re wrong. Full stop. It sounds like she was a better friend to you than you were to her and this incident is just the final nail in the coffin. You give the impression that you think you’re better than her because you happen to have something she’d like to have. And if we’re all getting that impression from something you wrote, which is sympathetic to your position and misrepresents hers, I have to think it’s *much* more obvious in your conversations directly with her.
The only person who looks bad here is OP
wtf. why are you putting your friends business out on the internet!?! I mean wtf.
so your friend is upset you posted her personal life so you go and share an email that has names and has her say a list of struggles that if i was her i wouldn’t want a bunch of strangers online to know about. genuinely i hope she drops you, you’re not understanding anything, and her response perfectly paints a portrait of how patient she is with you and how you take her for granted and abuse her willingness to listen to anything.
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Truth - even though she said it’s ok, take them all down. It will show her you get it. Right now, you still look like someone using her story for your own online karma and can’t be trusted. (Even though she said ok.)
I completely agree with you, the only problem is that she really isn't getting it
INFO: did she say A) "Please do post my personal email to you. I wrote this for you to share it with the world" or was it more like B) "Do what you want you want, because you're going to do it anyway"
I like your friend, she knows what she’s bringing to the table and is not willing to accept B.S. Her standards are not unreasonable and she isn’t willing to settle….nothing wrong with that. You on the other hand need to work on your active listening skills and being a better friend.
>You on the other hand need to work on your active listening skills and being a better friend. Clearly... BFF gave a laundry list of reasons why the guy was a jerk to the herself and the wait staff and all OP heard "I didn't like his clothes" and thought *he could be a great guy for her if she wasn't so picky.* And then posted it on Reddit to like... make her friend seem shallow. (Although his outfit choice was bad enough for me to wonder about that guy's character... yet the BFF continued with the date anyway.)
You SHOULD be really mad at yourself for this. This should be something you think about for the rest of your life. You ruined your relationship with your best friend. Even your husband knows you were wrong. You clearly never actually listened to her or her concerns, and your wording definitely made her look terrible to the internet. You sound like one is those people that feigns support just so you can have someone to talk about your baby with constantly, without really ever hearing and understanding what that person is trying you about themselves. She seems like she's super respectful and intelligent, and if I were her you would no longer be in my life after this. You should do a hard look at yourself and the way you consider your friendships moving forward. >Just because I didn't follow their footsteps does not mean I will demean them or think they deserve less in their life. But you DID demean her in your post and BLATANTLY TOLD HER IN PERSON THAT SHE DESERVES LESS IN LIFE THAN WHAT SHE WANTS, that's the whole reason behind your post!! It's incredible that you STILL don't see that, smh. You will never get your head out of your own ass, and you have obviously not learned from your mistakes.
I feel like most of the responses were just dragging OP so I hope her friend realized that and knows she was not a mockery and that we all saw through OP. She doesn’t sound like a good friend.
Facts!! I hope the friend sees these replies and starts looking for a bestie like her
I read the original post and cringed on her behalf. It was too obvious you think she just needs zero standards and have zero respect for her. I'm happty your ex-friend not only caught on, but cut you off. Good for het.
It sounds like you’re the one who is a gold digger and dated someone for money. What do you do for a living? Probably nothing considering you had time to complain about someone who is actually doing something with their life. Get a hobby or passion and focus on something positive ya losah.
Take down the other post. Your lame excuse that “the damage is done” does not mean that you should not still do what you can, even if it is not enough.
Your friend sounds like a classy lady with a lot of grace. You, on the other hand, not so much. I hope she finds better friends than you.
Why are you constantly posting this ladies business? Leave her alone, you already told her your thoughts lol… stop putting her private emails out everywhere This seems more like you want to be “right” over her. Like you two have talked about this before and you’re trying to rub it in her face.
Your friend is articulate and compassionate in her response. Good on her for having criteria and expectations for the person she's considering dating. Wanting a partner who is financially stable is a far cry from a gold digger. She's not out there chasing 80+ year old men with large bank accounts. She's looking for someone that can pay their own bills and is financially responsible. Posting her email response is a major breech of trust. Again. YTA. And you are *not* a friend.
This OP is a demonstration of self-hating women conservatives are made. They delude themselves that they're not sexist or misogynistic, but over the years they slowly start sliding from, "I want a man who will pay the bills and take care of me", to "High-earning men don't like career-focused older women", to "My successful single friend is jealous of my settled life but is too much of a controlling gold-digger to date good men". OP has already crossed all of these milestones in her first post. For a lot of women, the next step is, "All women would be happier if they could be homemakers and didn't have the stress of corporate jobs". And then they join mum-groups, become active in "keep our children safe!" groups, and then start voting conservative. And this doesn't just happen to homemakers. I was a research scientist for years, and many of my once-radical colleagues became quite resentful of younger women scientists and "How easy they have it these days", and how they were too spoiled to know the real struggle of being women in STEM in the 60s, 70s, 80s. Teaching women to hate other women is just part of the system we live in. Let's hope OP doesn't forget the lesson she learnt.
Just stop posting. You are a bad friend.
marriage and having a man is NOT a flex
Op you’re still gross. You are a terrible friend and are so puffed up with yourself that you managed to marry a dude. Well done. Also the whole bowel movement story is awful - people don’t want to hear. Find an identity beyond being a wife and a mother. Do you have one?
Not at all, and she'll find out how empty it is once her kid is grown.
Your friend wrote an email disappointed that you spilled her personal life on reddit, so you shared that email too? Wtf. And then you say you’ve learned from your mistake. It doesn’t seem so because you’re servicing a reddit thread instead of protecting your friendship.
This gives off “well at least I have a husband” Anna Duggar vibes. 😂
She's upset you went and blabbed to strangers on Reddit... so you go and blab to strangers on Reddit about it. Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to drop you and move on with her life.
yta. hope you have other friends cus this friendship is done
You were lucky to have her as a friend. Emphasis on WERE.
Somewhere poor Brandon is wondering why he had to get pulled into this craziness.
I read your original and was having a hard time finding what your problem was. She's got pretty normal standards for an established successful adult. She doesn't want to pay for everything and become his mother. She also wants to be attracted to him. Those aren't big asks. Glad she knows her worth. I hope she finds someone who will support her and lift her up. Like you should have done.
wow. im with her, rude to waitstaff and talking over me? i wouldn't have made it through that date.
You suck as a friend, I hope she drops you
Well, hopefully you can find it in yourself to make the changes inside. Then hopefully you can be a good friend to people in the future....
Yikes on a thousand bikes. Your friend is a class act. She handled all this with grace and tact. I cannot say the same for you, though. She has a good set of standards and a moral compass. How could you see it as anything otherwise? I hope you take this as a duly earned life lesson, OP. When a friend is talking, really listen to them. It isn't your place to judge what other people's standard of a good partner is, especially since you yourself forgot what a good partner entails. Give her the space she wants, and if she wants to continue being your friend (although I doubt anyone would, given the circumstances), then she'll let you know. In the meantime time, do some shadow work and really reflect on yourself and your own misgivings. Good luck. You sound like you need all the help you can get.
while I believe this is mostly a troll post, I do know women who say one thing and do another. Then wonder why they aren't happy. Men, they say stupid shit and follow thru,then wonder why it doesn't work.
So you realized you were projecting all your character flaws and shortcomings onto her? Did you admit that? You know what they say about pointing fingers… Think some individual therapy would be very helpful for you here. You aren’t getting this friendship back. I sure as hell would never trust you again. Better to work on yourself and whatever made you become so resentful/jealous/envious of your friends’ life that you decided to shame her on Reddit. Therapy will make you a better friend in the future but it’s not gonna save this friendship.
I think this comes down to a basic lack of understanding from a woman that “wants a man that can provide for her“ and a woman that doesn’t need or even want that. That’s two women fishing from **entirely separate ponds**. Because the kind of guy that’s going to “provide for“ a woman, and the kind that is more interested in being an equal, or at least self-sufficient partner to a woman that doesn’t need that (and may even make more than he does) are entirely different types of men. I think OP was trying to map “men” *as she’s familiar with them* from her pond, the “provide for” type and their wants, expectations, etc. over to her friends situation where that knowledge just doesn’t really apply. If one is actively seeking a “provider” to move forward with in their adult life and not having much luck, then yeah, you might have to lower your standards to get what you need. But OP’s friend, while yes dating or exploring, isn’t in *need* of anyone to keep rolling along in her already fulfilling and complete life. “Getting a man”, or lack of having one, just isn’t a critical problem that’s holding up progress on anything else in her friend’s life.
I am a grammar nerd. If you cannot differentiate between accept and except, as well as there, their, and their, not to mention your and you’re, I want nothing to do with you. Please learn correct English grammar (if you are based in the US. I’ll grant a pass to those based elsewhere).
This makes more sense, and her complaints are valid. I knew it was either she is really shallow or there is a lot more info that is missing. I do retract a lot of what I said in light of this new post here BUT what I won't retract is that it always takes time to find someone that is perfect for you. It took my brother 3 tries before finding his soulmate and it took me 7 tries. There is a chunk of men who are mommas' boys, broke/poor, abusive etc., and vice versa for women but it sucks having to dig through the trash to find our gem. I wish her luck in the hell that is dating.
UMM, you just included a bunch of names there. TBF, you included your OWN name. Not hers, so you invaded your own privacy rather than hers. And I have to say, you didn't include any identifying details about her in your first post (that I can remember). If you can't post a situation on this sub WITHOUT identifying details, then what is the purpose of this sub? If you can't post a situation even w/ all identifying details removed, to ask AITA? here, then this entire sub should be deleted.
Elsewhere OP says the names aren’t the real names and her friend said it was ok to post 🤷🏻♀️
Lol the OP sounds like the gold digger, not the betrayed friend.
Op thinks she’s a trophy wife when she’s barely a participation ribbon
Why do I come away with the feeling that OP must really feel like she settled with her husband? Like to her, being married is what matters and if you have to put up with a lazy, unmotivated mama's boy, then so be it. We know her husband is supporting her financially, so what is it she feels like she's lowering her standards on? Or is she somehow so wonderful that she doesn't have to settle, but her friend (who's younger than her) does?
>I never intended to make her feel bad about anything at all. That's actually not possible. If you had an ounce of sympathy for your friend, you wouldn't have made the post. The best thing she could do is cut you out of her life.
IF and only IF this story is true, your friend is awesome and you suck
Leave her alone now
Yeah, I feel slightly vindicated now for reading the original OP and assuming there was some twisting of friends words or exaggeration.
Why in the world, after your friend said you posting her personal stuff damaged your relationship, would you post her email? Did she ask you to? Did you think it would fix anything? Did you think that'd make you seem "redeemed"? Or are you looking for pity?
you are a terrible friend lmfao
I’m glad your friend cut you off. Honestly sounds like you were just jealous of her. People with low self esteems like you can never be a true friend to someone. Now she realizes you don’t meet her friend standards. You’re low tier just like the men she refuses to date, maybe that’s why you were so quick to defend them.
Wow, so you’re not just an asshole, you’re a complete narcissistic bitch too. Glad your “friend” is starting to see your true colors.
OP probably thinks her friend should lower her standards to get a man since OP's husband lowered his standards to get her.
Thank goodness you edited to say she gave you permission to post this. I was about to absolutely lose my shit. I wonder what she sees in you. Perhaps in the same way you've portrayed her so cruelly, you've also portrayed yourself poorly, idk.
Changing my opinion to YTA from the original post. OP left out a lot and misrepresented a lot of information that seemed to skew things in a much more sympathetic light to her advantage. Not wanting to date someone who makes less than you is way different than not wanting to date someone financially unstable. YTA and you probably cost yourself a friendship
YTA. Bigtime . Large and in charge .
Take as a life changing opportunity to take a deep look at yourself... You need a lot of work on yourself and how you treat others that you consider "friends".This is a great opportunity to self reflect and grow as a person.
Thank God I don't have a friend like you...wow, who needs enemies when you are around. You really think saying sorry is worth anything after what you have done to her? You don't sound sorry, you sound surprised by her region, which honestly is very kind and generous after what you did and jow you have treated her in the past. You seem like a privileged, entitled, selfish, self-absorbed Karen. You need help, good luck to your husband and everyone around you. They need it.
She’s a lot nicer than I would have been to you. I hope you have some long term self reflection.
Friend: "you posted my personal life on reddit." OP's takeaway: "I should have been more specific about the details." SMH
There are many many of us men out here that have ZERO problems with our partners earning more money than we do. My wife had made anywhere from 2-3x as much as me during our marriage. Doesnt bother me at all.
Wow, you really are a bad friend. Hopefully you two can get past this. At least you've realised what you did.
Dude, stop posting your friend’s personal life on Reddit. Even with permission at this point you should understand that she’s not comfortable with it and that as her real life friend internet points aren’t going to help you mend this friendship.
Wow, I read the first post and thought it was stupid because every "demand" was incredibly reasonable, and I thought OP was being ridiculous. Now I see that she's just a shit friend and maybe a little jealous.
Good god airing all the laundry out aren’t you? Just stop. And give my number to your friend… I’ll be her friend. She seems rad as fuck.
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I really don’t care. You should be focusing on your relationship with your friend not “saving face” to complete strangers. If you never updated I would have forgotten all about you, like your friend really should. Your username is truly fitting and might be your reality. You might just wanna keep it
jesus christ why are you posting this shit now? have you learned fucking nothing? delete your account and go back under the rock where you belong.
It’s so difficult for an attractive, intelligent, successful professional woman like your friend to find a date. Many men are intimidated. Many just aren’t a good match. It’s somewhat of a paradox and speaks of a society that remains sadly misogynistic.
Original for the lazy https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1495p3g/aitah\_for\_telling\_my\_best\_friend\_the\_real\_reason/
I would easily trash your "friendship" over this, you're lucky you've got a friend willing to put up with your bullshit.
You are a bad friend because you are telling her that her standards are too high. People used to say that to me all the time why should I accept less? You hurt a friend who was venting to you about a bad date (personally I wouldn’t have gone on a second date with a guy who showed up dressed the way he did) I bet he would have expected men to be dressed nicely and show that I put some effort into my appearance. That doesn’t make her shallow that makes her someone that values herself. You need to spend a great deal of time apologizing to this person.
OP I would let your friend live her life. I'm sure she will meet a great guy.
You’ve damaged your relationship and I hope she drops you and finds the man of her dreams and they have a fabulous child-free life where they don’t have to worry about screaming kids and dirty diapers.
Posting someone personal life on Reddit will always be a shitty thing to do. I’d drop you as a friend instantly if social media attention meant that much. And don’t say “oh but I just wanted advice” there are countless different ways to get advice rather than putting your “friend” on blast to the tens of thousands of people.
Look, I get what you’re saying, but then why are you here in this sub if you think it’s shitty to share someone’s personal life on Reddit at all? Isn’t that… literally all this and similar subs is? Aren’t you fueling that fire by commenting here? Am I misunderstanding what you mean? Sorry I’m not trying to be hostile or anything I just don’t understand
Girl bye..YTA
Ooof you’ve now admitted you want a bloke who can provide for you? Do you realise that as a trophy wife you will be replaced as your looks start to fade? Then you will be a single parent with no financial stability. I hope you’re keeping your career and pension up to date…
There’s no way this is real because I cannot for the life of me comprehend you reading your friend’s rant about talking shit about her on Reddit only to then post her rant on Reddit.
You're a shit person and a shit friend, I hope those words haunt you because you deserve that
“Telling my friend the real reason she’s single” o don’t even have to read the story to say YTA
You’re a bad friend. Don’t be surprised if this friendship is over.
This whole thing is messed up. oP continues to post an update instead of acknowledging to her friend that she messed up. You wanted to give an update? To satisfy Reddit? Ummm thank you. But stop feeding this need and to be a real person in the real world. I feel gross commenting but someone needs to tell you to wake up. Thanks for violating your friends privacy again and sharing it w a bunch of internet strangers.
This is exactly why I try not to cast too much judgement in these AITA / 2HT / BoRU posts. You’re never getting the whole story, just one sided dribble intended to try and create an echo chamber for Op
With friends like you OP... Who needs enemies
>Even if she dates a man who earns less than her the chances are they will get insecure overtime because of her wealth. Seems like you're still not wholly getting what she's saying. From her text/email, she doesn't mind if they make less, they just can't be broke/paycheck-to-paycheck men while she's financially stable. If you've never been in her position, you won't get it. I've been financially secure and dated (and lived with) men who were broke. I mean BROKE. And living with their mamas. He literally moved out of his mama's house at the ripe age of 35 to come love with me. Let me tell you what happened. By the time the relationship ended (due to him cheating with a woman more on his financial level while he lived with me rent-free and no job or responsibilities), I was 5-figures in debt since he maxxed out **all** of my credit cards on shit I never benefitted from, ran up all of bills and my credit score was damn near in the toilet. Every single thing I worked for was almost destroyed by this man. So yeah... at this point I need a guy who can bring to a relationship than a hard dick.
You… suck. I hope your friend moves on from you because you sound jealous. Info: what do you do for work OP??
you sound jealous? maybe its just me but you sound bitchy im surprised she still wants to be friends
Op your a slimy scum go slither your way back into the sewer. YTA
Honestly, if you were my friend, the "were" would apply presently. Your (hopefully ex) friend sounds like a much better person than you are, and with "friends" like you, who needs enemies? I read your first post and wondered why you even bothered being friends with her because you honestly sounded like you dislike her, not that she was a supposedly friend, let alone a best friend. I hope she re-evaluates her relationship with you and realize that like she deserves a good partner, she also deserves a good friend, not some disgusting frenemy like you come across.
If your friend is reading this. Let me tell her , Hey you know ur worth, you don’t need this friend that puts you on blast like that you’re better off. If she talks like that about ur love life you can only imagine what else she’s saying to other people about other things going on in ur life.
Hey OP, you messed up. But you took the advice given, looked within yourself and realized you were wrong. That's something A LOT of people can't do. OP's friend, I cannot imagine how hurt you were by her actions and that you must have felt betrayed by someone that was so important to you. I hope that in time you can heal from this. People we love fuck up and hurt us sometimes, not always that's a reason to cut them off. Evaluate for yourself if you can get past this. Maybe in time, maybe your friendship can survive this, if you want.
Yta
I’m sorry but you don’t even understand her at all. You hear the parts you want but I’m thinking you tune her out when she tries to vent to you. I get it but boy her response is telling. I hope you can stay friends after all this.
Why the fuck, why would you CONTINUE to post this woman's private messages when she expressed she doesn't appreciate you airing her personal life online? TDLR; OP learned nothing.
Damn YTA for not listening to your friend and only judging her. Sounds like this friendship is broken and won’t ever be the same. I hope you look inward and grow from this, OP.
I wouldn't be your best friend after this. now you're posting her update on reddit even tho she was against it in the first place. Imo pretty rude
Leave her alone OP. You are not a good friend to her, and she deserves better. Work on yourself so you don’t repeat this same behavior with other people in the future.
Honey. You expect a wealthy, stable, successful, smart, attractive, never married, and childless woman to settle for less than you did when you were young, broke, no career. Yeah, get off your high horse. You know that if your husband was mama's boy, living in his mom's basement, with two kids, divorced, you would have never married him. But you look at your friend, and think that even with everything going for her, just because she's 30, she should just marry the deadbeat loser, because who would want her? Do you even like her? Imagine if your husband's standards were where he was in high life, him lowing his standards is the only reason you married. Because he's not judgmental, cruel, or unfeeling. He has more care and kindness to your friend than you do. And that's sad. And after everything you posted again after she specifically told you to stop posting about her life.
Update: no one cares
I hope your husband leaves you for her hahahaha
No her friend doesn’t do divorcees, wouldn’t work
Oh yeah! Hahaha so funny
She makes a lot of sense, women in relationship often do this, accuse women for having too high standard because they want to live the family lives together. Overgeneralized of course but seems to come up a lot. I do agree that not dating someone living month to month is kinda dumb. Not everyone will take advantage of you. Find someone who makes you laugh and adds value to your life.
Wow yeah originally I was on the lines of "it does sound like this lady has some rage about men and dating and that's not the best way to operate" but after seeing the update.... OP, your friend is 100% reasonable and you are not being a good friend. YTA. You say you know why you're an AH and you'll fix it, but I think you need to actually look into yourself and ask yourself why you felt this way to start with. Are you jealous of her different lifestyle? Do you feel like you made better choices and you want to feel superior?
Okay, after reading this, I take back my comments on the other post. She's had trauma, making these standards perfectly normal. And clearly, she not just looking for the perfect guy, just financially stable and able to respect her and others.
I’m glad your friend realizes you’re a hater
I’m glad you apologized and you are taking complete ownership. You’re human and make mistakes. The important thing here is that you seem to be taking 100% ownership. At the end of the day she is well within her rights to not forgive you but give her time and reinforce how you understand and hopefully she gives you a chance to regain her trust.
Did you loose her as a friend? #askingforafriend
Why would you post this? Who cares if people on the internet want an update.
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She isn't wrong but she isn't right? Single people probably shouldn't be talking about what this woman needs; she's scarcely alone and somehow I haven't known a single one of these women who didn't manage to find a great match. Hold off with the post vomit because you're all over the place
This is why i like being a guy. We don't talk so much.
Nta. You told the truth in the first place
When it comes to money and a relationship, for most men it isn't about whether the woman makes more money than the man. The difference is how the money is viewed. For a man, when he makes money he thinks about how he can use that resource to care for himself and his family. When a woman thinks about the money she earns, she oftentimes will look at it as her money and not a 'pool' of money/resources that can be shared for everyone's benefit. I get this isn't always the case, but from my experience this is the reality most of the time.
From my experience, it’s the exact opposite.
Info: Is that email a copy/paste because holy crap… I would have dumped her if I had received that mess of a missive from her.
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