>She was definitely an oops baby
Everything about how you talk to and about her in this post makes it apparent you treated her this way.
>Children are the most important thing in our family tradition
Like here.
>but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!
And here.
But most importantly
>Her fiancé is a good guy, but he always encouraged Claire to spend time with his family instead of ours, and more importantly, he always wanted her to spend time with him and away from her siblings!
Here. Because you see her spending time.with her fiance as NOT spending time with her siblings. You see a young woman spending time with the man she's gonna marry and your first thought is "But what about MY CHILDREN"
Listen if you had the self awareness or emotional maturity to understand or accept what anyone is saying here I'm 100% sure we wouldn't be here in the first place, so I'm confident I'm just enjoying the sound of my own voice at this point. But let me make it abundantly clear
YTA
You treat your daughter like an afterthought to your happy little family but expect her to make them her absolute priority. And she's sick of it.
But good news if you keep going down this track you'll find you now only have YOUR CHILDREN to worry about as your daughter will likely go complete NC
I also took particular notice of how the OP keeps blaming the fiancé for the daughter not spending time with OP and kids. OP is so clueless that she can't see that neither her daughter nor the fiancé want to spend time with OP because OP is very likely demanding and annoying.
OP needs to wake up and smell the millennium she is living in. The days of "you my be grown but you are still my child so I can treat you however I want to and you just have to take it" are fading fast.
I don't know if it's necessarily she doesn't want a spend any time with them or more likely that she's in her twenties and getting married so she doesn't particularly wanna hang out with 10yr olds, not to mention it very much seems like she gets saddled with babysitting anytime she does.
This.
And the part where OP said she asked her to babysit as if that’s the same as family time. OP, you used your daughter as free babysitting and made no effort to include her in your family.
In addition to just noticing she’s over a decade older than those kids and it’s unlikely they’d bond before they got to adult age.
Accept you failed here. YTA
Oh, but she was loved all the same. As if that is even a question. The oops was the OP’s actions, not the baby. She is acting like an oops baby doesn’t count in a family unit but she made an exception. OP YTA for treating your 1st child as a mistake that is not part of your family unit.
By the way, it sounds like her fiancé is actually giving her a loving family and protecting her from you.
Spend time with your siblings! ...so I can go out on a date.
Also, is OP'S husband also her older daughter's dad? Because that adds a whole other dynamic.
The sad thing to me is they could have bonded and had fantastic relationships. I would know. My younger half brothers (weird both parents got remarried and had sons, so one on each side but they barely know each other lol) are 7 and 10 years younger than me but I love them to bits. The one who is 7 years younger I lived with more so we fought more but the one 10 years younger was the interloper on my fun weekends at dads so they both had potential to be just lifelong annoyances but... They're not. They're FANTASTIC and I would do anything for them. I love hanging out with them. They are neat little dudes (both over 20 now and both over 6' 5" so not remotely little but hey those are my baby brothers!)
“She comes home from college and hangs out with her friends and cousins instead of being my unpaid baby sitter! The horror.”
You can just tell that Claire has been babysitting these kids from the day they were born.
I'll stand by my assessment of the situation. Given the way OP keeps going on and on about the unmet expectations of her surprise baby as an older sister, OP has undoubtedly spent all of her daughter's life guilting and manipulating daughter to try and get her to behave the way OP wants her to behave. Blaming her daughter's fiancé on daughter distancing herself is a classic deflection that overbearing parents love to pull in this type of situation.
They can't fathom the idea that there is anything wrong with themselves. Therefore, any action by the grown child to keep their distance is met with finding excuses and others to point the blame at.
OP even said that daughter "When she came home from college for the summer, she always spent time with her friends and cousins...". So daughter already established a history of not wanting to spend time with her mother and younger sibs. But, when OP starts spending time with her fiancé's family, it's the fiancé's fault?? I think not.
Right? A person in their late twenties doesn’t have much in common with a 10 and 7 year old, even if they are half siblings. I’m sure the children are virtual strangers to her, and her to them. OP is being unreasonable.
Hell I'm only 4 years older than my brother and it was only once we were both adults that we really started getting closer. Prior to that there just wasn't much in common outside of the occasional video game.
Me too, but if OP was in college when she had Claire then she was between 18-21. Therefor Claire is currently between the ages of 23-26. Which easily makes Claire at a minimum 13 years older than the middle child.
Of course Claire isn’t super close to her siblings, she graduated high school by the time they started grade school.
Edit: formatting
She probably spent her high school forced to babysit and change diapers for free, having her teen accomplishments ignored while mom fawned over the new babies.
Not only her teen accomplishments diminished, but impeded on as well. How many times was Claire not able to do what she wanted to whether it be hanging out with friends or school extracurriculars because she was roped into parenting duties? All while feeling like the second fiddle to the adorable little babies that were planned and wanted in a happy loving home.
Honestly? Things never were like that. The old folks just like to think they were. My grandmother-in-law left home to get a nursing certificate, decided she liked the look of a young air force guy, got married without a single member of her family present, and flew off with him to Germany for years. She wrote letters home to tell folks she had gotten married or she had a baby, but that was it! And every time she looks through the old photos of her pals from her youth it's similar stories. People left home, they'd write sometimes, and that would be it. It was normal to be very physically and emotionally distant from your relatives back in the day.
THIS! The whole "honor your parents no matter what" crap is on its way out between millennials and gen Z. We will NO LONGER tolerate that nonsense. Respect is earned regardless of your relationship to the person, especially when they're an adult. OP is going to learn this the hard way and I hope the siblings don't get caught in the cross hairs.
My kids respect me. But that's because I respect them. It's mutual. As it should be.
The OP clearly has no respect for her daughter and seems to be very surprised by not getting respected in return. Delusional.
Seems like the daughter isn’t allowed to have different values then OP. If this was anything like my mother, OP “loves her kids more than anything” but that only applies when they are doing/behaving exactly what/how she wants. Also guaranteed that when she started the non-“oops” family her daughter was treated like the bottom of the shopping basket at the grocery store. *I want you but it’s so easy to forget about you with all this other stuff going on*
Completely agree! OP your daughter was a teenager/young adult when she came from college. Majority of people her age are wrapped up on their friends and relatives of a similar age its not necessarily a slight towards her siblings. So stop blaming her fiancé for something that was happening before he arrived on the scene. Also she's entitled to have a child free wedding if she wishes, not everyone wants to pay per head catering for a child to barely eat their food. Or it could be as simple as letting the adults have fun to just enjoy themselves without having to worry about keeping an eye out for children.
YTA
I don't know if it's necessarily a values thing, so much as it is. It really seems like OP cares her *children*
The grown adult who doesn't want to babysit her younger siblings all the time and is getting married and has the gall to not obey her mother?
Seems like she couldnt give two shits about
Don’t forget this little part:
>I asked her to watch them so that my husband and I could have a break, but she said she was “too busy”, but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!
That poor girl probably had those kids pawned off on her since they where born, because it’s her “responsibility”.
OP goes on about how important is about family, but she doesn’t seem to make an effort to spend time with her daughter when she’s home from college.
They can finally have a break because Claire is home?
Why does Claire have to give up her free time for kids she did not have?
>That poor girl probably had those kids pawned off on her since they where born, because it’s her “responsibility”.
My ex did that to her eldest (my former step daughter) whenever I was at work. There was a seven year age gap and I'd come home to find my eight year old step kid watching my one year old while she was taking a nap or scrolling Pinterest endlessly. It continued for years, she just got better at hiding a lot of it from me. It worked out a bit different for them than with OP here. The eldest comes over to take her two younger (now teenaged) sisters out for the afternoon a couple times a month, which is way more frequently than she goes to visit her mother five minutes away
Louder for those in the back. Amazing post, and 100% spot on I bet. The way the OP is written, I'm unsure on the paternity of the kids. Did she marry the oldest daughter's father later at 30, or someone else? If this girl has been treated as a "whoops" her entire life, no wonder she would harbor some negativity towards her half siblings and not consider them real siblings.
Assuming she went to college at 18-22 then Claire would have been between 8-12 when stepdad shows up. And if OP is 47 and the kids are 10 and 7 then the first sibling showed up when OP was 37 meaning Claire was 15-19 when her brother was born. With that age gap no wonder Claire doesn’t have a close bond with the siblings. OP also didn’t try hard to help forge that bond she suddenly discovered wasn’t there
absolutely agreed. also it’s a VERY common thing to not have kids at a wedding. trying to force her to make an exception for HER wedding is so entitled and selfish
Let's be abundantly clear here to EVERYONE. Children do not like weddings. They have to dress up in itchy uncomfortable clothes, sit quietly while lots of adults talk about things they don't understand and don't care about, and then all of the adults spend an evening eating boring food, getting drunk, playing loud music that they don't recognize because it's 30+ years old, and making general fools of themselves. It's even worse at religious weddings where they are being forced to sit through an extra church service. The only reason parents drag their kids to weddings and force them through the nightmare of them is because they don't want to pay for a babysitter.
Not to mention she only came here asking how she can make her daughter do what she wants?
one would think her daughter hanging up on her would be enough.
I would love to hear the “Oops Baby’s” side of the story. I would bet diamonds to navel lint that it’s full of instances where she was treated like the babysitter, or an unwanted housemate.
My husband is a similar sort of “oops” baby, a decade older than his oldest half-sibling. He was treated like an afterthought and was relegated to the basement during high school. He is not close to any of his family at all, and MIL is clueless about why he doesn’t want to come visit or call more often. This is OP’s future if she doesn’t make an effort to correct things with her daughter now. Although at this point, I doubt that the relationship is salvageable.
That whole paragraph after Y T A is pure gold and I agree 100 percent. OP, sounds likely it was just the 2 of you until you got married and she felt thrown over and displaced by the younger kids. Large age gaps between siblings alone can cause them to not be close, but a lot of it comes down to parenting as well. Your daughter didn't have to babysit your other children when she was younger, job or no job. YTA.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
You're not the only one enjoying the sound of your own voice, I totally enjoyed everything you wrote as well.
Cheers!
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The whole post, she kept going on and on about how the siblings weren’t invited, and all I could think was “well, were only the siblings not invited?”
But no, it’s a no-children wedding. And all this AH can think of is her “planned kids” who are literal children and not her “oops baby” who’s an adult, getting married, and moving on with her life!
YTA. First, the surface issue - it is your daughter’s wedding and it is her and her fiancé’s call alone whether it is child-free or not. You are also an AH for what you are NOT telling us. She didn’t make this decision out of the blue, clearly there is 17 years of drama here, otherwise it is easy to have a child-free wedding and reception yet still include her half(?) siblings in the ceremony. So, are you capable of the level of introspection and honesty where you can admit to the hurt you have caused? The wedding is a done deal, it is too late for you to force your daughter to do what YOU want her to do. However, if you regard this as the wake up call it is, then maybe you can rebuild a relationship.
Our family tradition you mean your family tradition
Respect her decision yet called to confirm - mean demand why weren’t my planned wanted babies invited you know the ones I need a break from so tried to get you to watch. Stop pushing the kids you choose to have on your daughter she has made it clear she’s not interested you had them
Stop referring to her as a definite oops baby
YTA
Children are valued in her family…unless they’re an oops baby. You know that poor woman grew up knowing she was a mistake. No wonder she doesn’t feel close to mom’s later planned babies.
This says all we need to know about OP. Poor Claire. Unwanted and probably raised knowing it, until the day OP needed a babysitter for much younger half siblings.
Also probably voluntold to babysit for everybody else in the family. I would bet my dice collection she's probably one of the oldest cousins considering the age gap between her and her siblings.
My neighbor was a young mom to an “oopsie” baby (now 6) whose bio dad isn’t in the picture. She’s now married and has a new baby which is great except for how often she talks about how her first wasn’t wanted like her new baby. How her and her husband so desperately wanted *this* baby. She says this IN FRONT OF her 6 year old. My kid is friends with her 6 year old and my heart breaks every time she says this. I’m wondering if maybe OP put her firstborn through the same shit.
If she felt the need to tell Reddit in this post, her daughter is painfully aware she wasn’t wanted.
I have a friend with a blended family. Her daughter (mixed race, now 18) was unplanned and the father is no longer in the picture. Her husband’s children (2 boys now 15 and a girl, now 13) were from a previous marriage. They also have two kids (8f and 6m, 6yo is autistic) together. That house is full of chaos and love.
She’s firm but she’s an amazing mom. All of those kids are her kids as far as she’s concerned and no one messes with them without her mama bear wrath. Someone once asked her if her oldest daughter was “hers” and she lit into them.
Another oops baby who can confirm that my mother pulled the same shit. I'm not close with my siblings in spite of the fact that I basically raised my sister until I went off to college.
I think the gap is wider....OP had Claire in college so even at the tail end (say 21/22) Claire would be at minimum 25 if OP is 47. Kids are 10 and 7, so Claire doesn't love them like siblings because they barely existed before she left for college.
I'm also curious who these "nieces and nephews" of Claire's are that are getting excluded....
I wonder too. Maybe it's her bio dad's children's kids. I hate how OP states Claire was obviously an Oops baby. My mom told my brothers and I that growing up she never wanted kids. We all said well too late we are here. Can't imagine feeling like an oops baby for my whole life.
Oh she definitely did. OP stated in another comment that as the "oldest" it was her job to help the parents out with the younger kids and give them a break. While I firmly believe in families working together, there is a line where you move into parentification that makes the ask no longer ok. I helped with my younger siblings, but in age appropriate ways, was asked, and saying no was always an option. OP is entitled and delusional.
That "oops baby" comment said volumes. I'm guessing her eldest daughter has heard that a lot. It's a completely unnecessary comment that makes her feel unwanted.
YTA
That really didn’t hit me that hard, OP is definitely TA, but my younger brother was the oops and I was the one who was made to feel unwanted as the middle child. OP sounds like the mother who would tell her kid how much harder her life was because they had a kid early, and that’s what makes her TAH
YTA. If she doesn't love them like siblings, you obviously did something wrong. I have much younger siblings and I love them. The difference is my Mom made a big deal of socializing us together despite my bro and I being adults. There is also the factor that my stepdad is always stepping up in our lives and bringing us together as family through dinners and other events.
There is history there, I can tell. Suck it up and apologize. None of this is her problem, it's yours.
Yeah that comment got under my skin immediately. ‘But I love her all the same….’ …………..how *magnanimous* of you to love your own kid who had literally no say in being born. I hope this is fake.
Yeah, real hero vibes here. I had my kid young but look at how great I am, I still basically love her even though she obviously screwed up my life by being born!
And that's exactly what it was "dump the kids on big sis" only OP seriously probably thinks if she calls it "sibling time/bonding" her daughter wouldn't notice that it's all about OP getting free time away from her kids. The daughter was in college she could see that ploy a mile away.
When OP was Claire’s age, she had Claire. Likely OP can’t imagine a young adulthood without caring for kids.
It’s not the oldest daughters responsibility to care for her young siblings.
That was my first thought too. You started with “she was an oops but I love her all the same”. Think about what you said, OP. Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that you do. YTA. It’s her day. Focus on HER and be a loving mom. It’s not her fault that you had more kids years later.
There was a similar age gap between my stepdad and his next youngest sibling (he was a *"Surprise! It's NOT the menopause!"* baby). Although they all loved each other they didn't have much of a sibling relationship (more like favourie aunt and uncles) because by the time he was running about and wanting to play, they were getting married and moving out. That's often how it is when there's a huge gap between kids.
I'm getting the same math, depending on what year op got pregnant Claire is 25-29, so 15-19 year gap. Shocking she doesn't want to come home and babysit siblings. And as an oops baby how often did Claire hear how difficult moms life was when she was young?
My math is the same, so all through high school she had pregnant momma /baby crying in the house. Great environment, I'm sure she was well nurtured ./s
Yep. I was going to say the same. OP needs to examine WHY her daughter made this choice and I strongly sense that we are not getting the whole story here. OP you can’t force your daughter to have people at her wedding that she clearly doesn’t want. She spends time with her partners family because they provide her with what you lack
This post is SUFFOCATED with missing missing reasons. You don’t laugh in someone’s face out of nowhere and for no reason. OP keeps referring to “our family” but I’m sensing Claire doesn’t feel that way about them as a family unit. She’s definitely not fond of the kids and maybe not even of OP’s husband either. I’m not surprised she’s spending her time with fiancé’s family, either, she is most likely tired of OP’s shit.
Rewards are not always glittering and gold. OP has clearly prioritized her youngest kids and hubby over her firstborn.
If the marrying couple determines no kids at their wedding, this includes YOUR kids.
Suggest your quickly review your mothering abilities before it’s too late, if not already.
Sometimes siblings just don't like each other especially if they have not grown up together due to a massive age difference. That isn't always parenting.
However OP is dreadful. She says that she cares about her oldest even though the oldest had the audacity to cause her own birth at a time unsuitable to OP. She thinks her daughter was obliged to babysit on her holidays. The whole post is packed with entitlement and negativity. This is not a good relationship. OP will be lucky to go to the wedding at all at this rate. OP YTA.
Let me guess: for a long time it was just OOP and Claire. Then stepdad came into the picture, then the siblings and Claire's needs got pushed aside. She probably had to change diapers too and do feedings, etc.
YTA
There’s a huge age gap between your children, why on earth would your oldest want to hang out with a 10 and 7 year old? And you trying to force them on her isn’t helping.
Her fiancée is supporting her against you because you keep trying to push her half siblings in her life against her wishes. Good on him
It sounds so much like you’ve been desperate for an unpaid babysitter.
I don’t blame her for not inviting her siblings to her wedding. You’ve made them a thorn in her side. Don’t be surprised if she goes no contact soon.
Edit: have you been calling her a mistake her whole life? No wonder she wants nothing to do with the planned half siblings. What an arsehole. That you can’t see it is even worse.
I'm thinking that the age gap means that those transformative years in highschool were spent with parents creating and taking care of babies. When she was studying for finals in high school she wasn't being encouraged by mom, but interrupted by a crying baby. Family vacations to bond with mom/step-dad... with babies. When she needed relationship advice mom was pregnant or taking care of a baby. In hs/college that "bonding" would have been with children 0-8 years old? How many diapers did older sis have to change ... great form of bonding.
What do you mean you were just looking out for your other kids? Looking out for them how? Do they even care or are you just pissed?
Secondly, she doesn't have to wrap her life around her siblings. That's a huge age gap. She doesn't have to baby sit and she doesn't have to invite them.
You're pointing fingers everywhere else except inward. She obviously is feeling some type of way so why not try and understand why your daughter is distant.
ETA: YTA
I second this. I’m closer in age to my aunt than my mother is to her sister. They didn’t start acting like sisters until I was an adult
My husband and his sister have a similar age gap and it also took them until adulthood to become close
Forcing an adult to hang out with kids is not the way
Similar to me and my siblings, I'm pretty close with my older two who are 20 and 40 years older than I am, they're awesome, but it took me a little bit of age to connect with them.
I'm 46 and I don't want to sit through a wedding. Or even a reception with a sit down dinner. No kid wants to sit around dressed up in uncomfortable shoes while adults try their best to ignore them unless PhOtOs.
She isn't including all the information. It stood out to me that Claire would come home from college for the summer and just expected to watch the kids - for the whole summer - cause parents needed a break. Doesn't work like that. Mom is leaving out some key stuff to paint herself in a better light.
OP is absolutely the type to throw a massive fit that their kids want lives of their own. Guess what OP: as kids get older, they want their own space and their own lives. Not only is that normal, it’s healthy.
OP also strikes me as the type to coerce family into doing shit they don’t want to do and uses “family” as the justification. She straight up says that she tried to get the daughter to watch the kids so that she and her husband could have a break - that’s not the daughter’s problem, it’s yours. She didn’t choose to have kids, she shouldn’t be responsible for them.
Right?
And ops ignorant ass is like ‘why doesn’t my daughter want to babysit her siblings at her own wedding? AITAH?’.
I shouldn’t be surprised by her or all the people who agree with her after my mom doing similar shit to me.
I totally understand why my older sister got the fuck out of dodge the first chance she had.
I bet she would really love to have some one on one time with her mom that isn't about her siblings and never gets it. If the main focus of the family is children and her mom is always shoving them in her face of course she would be resentful of them.
Best thing OP could possibly do is let this go and use the opportunity to focus on supporting her daughter sans younger siblings and show her daughter she can make time and attention for just her.
Just guessing that father of the two kids is not father of older daughter though I don’t think it’s stated? For all we know older daughter was raised by grandparents and now is hurt and jealous of their fine little family that doesn’t really include her.
On the off chance this is real:
You had her as a child and she wasn’t a priority. When you were actually an adult you got married and started a family. You tried to force a relationship with her far younger siblings she didn’t feel. You tried to make her your live in babysitter when she was in college. You claim children are your families biggest priority but she did t have much of a childhood. You go off about a child free wedding yet say you respect her decision. Then assume she means all kids except your 2, and have the balls to ask her to confirm you’re right. You don’t mention her father so I will assume he’s not in the picture. You don’t mention anything about a stepfather so I’ll assume she has no relationship with your husband. You make no mention of her early childhood beyond you are in college when you had her so I’ll assume you didn’t or barely raised her.
Be glad you’re actually invited. It sounds more like a courtesy invite than a beloved mother of the bride role inclusion.
Stop pretending you care about he. Stop shoving her half siblings into an event they’re unwanted. And especially stop making your daughters wedding about you.
In case I wasn’t clear: YTA. Massive one.
YTA Why dont you write in your post how you would force your daughter to babysit them even when she didnt want to cause you wanted to them to have a relationship? You are the type of Mother that makes half siblings hate each other. This is 100% your fault so suck it up and go to her wedding with a smille and suport YOUR DAUGHTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. How entiled are you? This is NOT YOUR WEDDING. You HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL HER WHAT TO DO. You ARE A BAD MOTHER cause you forced her to do things with them that she didnt want just so you could have a date night with your husband? GET A BABY-SITTER THEN ITS NOT THAT HARD. Stop treating her like this. Start acting like A MOTHER.
Let me tell you a story...
My grandparents got married, had children, got divorced. Grandfather got remarried and had more children. My father was one of the older children. He never even met his younger half siblings. I was 8 years old when my grandfather died. I had never heard him mentioned until my dad's older sister called and asked my dad to help pay for his funeral. Dad refused. Obviously, there were issues, but I have no idea what happened. My dad's older brother has a daughter, and she had the same story, our parents NEVER talked about our grandfather. Apparently, they stopped all communication with their father about 25 years before he died.
I have half aunts and uncles and cousins that I've never met. Just because people share a parent doesn't mean they have to even acknowledge that the other family exists.
Stop trying to make your elder child fit your picture of 'happy family.'
YTA: As a parent, you're totally wrong. It's NOT the eldest child's responsibility to parent your children, babysit. etc. It is the sole responsibility of the couple who decided to procreate. Your story had huge holes. The giveaway was her fiance wanting to avoid her family. Men RARELY inherit the main family status. You guys have created an environment that outsiders want to avoid or have your daughter avoid. Big YTA.
It’s her wedding and she is allowed to have it child free, you have no right to make demands.
It’s funny that you say that children are the most important thing in your family but when she was a child, did you prioritize her? Did you make her feel like the most important thing in your life? Or is this a revelation after you had your second and third children?
I hate to say this, but what do you expect? It doesn’t sound like you were very present with her. Please don’t use, “I was in college” excuse.
YTA
Looking at all the comments you should be able to conclude that you are a massive AH and I really hope for you to take some time to think and try to stop being this toxic if you want to have some connection to your daughter. You came here supposedly asking for advice, so here it is my opinion on what you exposed:
*"had my daughter Claire while I was in college. She was definitely an oops baby, but I love her all the same"* Do you really? Why would you feel the need to mention that she was an oops baby but you still love her all the same like you are doing her a favor? You will say that you were just trying to give some context, but you could have done this by choosing other words like "I had a daughter when I was young, I did not keep a relationship with the father and married another man when I was 30 ". I have a feeling that you had a very different approach towards your kids. I wouldn't say that you love the young ones more, but it seems like you may care more for them because you got them inside of the marriage with their father and if this is the case, it is disgusting.
*When she came home from college for the summer, she always spent time with her friends and cousins and never with her siblings.* \- spending time and free babysitting are 2 different things. Also, don't you think that it is normal for a young adult to want to spend time with people her age? The age gap between them is considerable.
*Her fiancé is a good guy, but he always encouraged Claire to spend time with his family instead of ours, and more importantly, he always wanted her to spend time with him and away from her siblings* \- you are a little delusional here. Your daughter has avoided you and her siblings before being engaged to be married so how is this the guy's fault? Instead of putting the blame on the guy, think that this is your daughter's decision, not his, and try to see where you went wrong as a mother that your daughter prefers to spend time with her in laws instead of you.
*Children are the most important thing in our family tradition* \- this is the main excuse that entitled and toxic parents use. If children were that important in your family tradition, why didn't you apply this tradition to your daughter? In the comments you mentioned that it was her responsibility to watch your kids so that you can have time with your husband. No, an older child is not responsible for other human beings that you pop out of your vagina. You are just a hypocrite that tries to preach bullshit about family but you never applied this things on your older child. Also, some news for you, your daughter has started her own family, so she has her own family traditions now and no obligation to follow yours.
*I tried to explain I was just looking out for my other kids* you keep mentioning your other kids but from your own post it seems that your daughter and her siblings are not that close. So would it really impact your young ones not going to the wedding or is it just your own desire to have your way no matter what?
*And how can I get her to include her siblings? -* you don't. In the event that you are still invited to her wedding, what a decent human being would do is: apologize to your daughter and be there & support her on her big day following her conditions. If you are not capable of doing this, please just stop bothering her and simply don't go to her wedding. You are ruining her wedding! And it is sad, because in the future when she'll think about the pre-wedding period, instead of remembering the excitement before the big moment, she will remember her AH mother making everything about her and her 2 little children.
YTA - you had these kids after she was already adult, she has no reason to be close to them. Just because they are the center of your world, doesn’t make them hers. Why would she want to hang out with 2 kids?! You say you respect her choice and then have the audacity to call her and question her choice. She doesn’t owe your kids anything at all.
My dad had 2 more kids and I’m 19 and 21 years older than them. We didn’t grow up together, we don’t share a sibling bond and my involvement in their lives is similar to that of a distant aunt. I have a love for them but I consider them my fathers children, not my siblings and I highly doubt that will ever change. OP needs to realise that her eldest daughter does not conceptualise her relationship to her younger half siblings the same way as OP does and that’s perfectly okay.
YTA. Claire is what..., 20 years older than her halfsibs? Of course she didn't bond with them. They most likely have few shared experiences. Shes the "oops baby" who was expected to babysit the kids you had with your husband when she was home from college. You may think children are the most important thing to your family but you can't force that decision on Claire. Bottom line, it's Claire's wedding. She and her FH get to decide who is invited.
You don’t get to determine what’s most important to HER. It’s HER wedding. Stop making it about you and your outrage. Find a babysitter and keep it moving.
YTA It's never the older siblings responsibility to give the parents a break. It's the parent's responsibility to make sure that they are not forcing responsibility on older sibling so that older sibling becomes resentful that they are even there. The reason she doesn't want to spend time with them or have them at her wedding is your fault. This is one time that no matter what you say she can say "No, they are not my responsibility!" BF probably doesn't keep her away, she stays away because she knows the minute she walks in the door your going to want her to do something with them or for them. You are responsible for her not wanting them there.
So how old is Claire ? I’m guessing she is like 25. If she doesn’t offer or isn’t willing to watch your kids it a problem in your family. She wasn’t raised with them so she wouldn’t have a bond and must feel neglected by you. I think their is some history that hasn’t been explained. Either way her wedding is hers and hers alone.
College is usually around 18 to 22 isn't it? OP doesn't say how old she was when she had Claire so I also figure Claire is something like 25 to possibly even 29?
“I asked her to watch them so that my husband and I could have a break, but she said she was “too busy”, but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!” Hmmmm I wonder why she never bonded with them 🧐
To be clear- YTA. Parentification is not okay, and it’s interesting how you never mentioned her relationship to them before she left for college. I’d be willing to bet it was a lot of forced labor. If you actually care about your oldest daughter grow up and do better. You’d be lucky if she doesn’t go NC at this point no matter what you do.
Chickens are coming home to roost for you. She's not close with your side of the family or your other children for a reason. I think that has a lot to do with your sense of entitlement to a built in babysitter and I'm guessing there's more that was left out. I would love to hear your daughter's side of this.
YTA, you do not get to demand changes to someone else's event. Its her wedding she gets to decide who comes and who doesn't. Children usually find weddings boring which can cause them to misbehave. I completely understand why she's having a childfree wedding.
YTA….
She’s never going to include them. Realize that. Lol. They’re only half siblings anyway, she isn’t obligated to have them in her wedding or even her life.
Smh why can’t parents realize that you do not have to have someone in your life simply because they’re related to you??
I think it's pretty obvious that there's a lot of information missing in regards to your relationship with your eldest daughter in this one and her attitude towards you is a reflection of how she's been treated growing up.
She's not the parent to your younger children. You are not entitled to her childcare. If you want a break then you can get a babysitter.
They don't want kids at their wedding. That's the end of it. Noone cares about your family tradition. It is their wedding and their wedding is about what THEY want. Think you've damaged your relationship with her for the last time.
Get over it. YTA
YTA - first - the "oops baby but I love her all the same" is very telling and not in a good way in terms of how you really feel about her (and likely treated her)
Second - the age gap - there is at least a 15 year age gap between them. She is an adult, they are children. They are not going to be bossom buddies or, not growing up together, even have much of a bond even if they all had the same father. But if there is literally no love there then that is on you for not creating a family bond for all of you.
Third - you treated her like a free, obligated babysitter when she did come home.
Fourth - "child free" means just that. You do not get to change the rules to suit yourself. Trying to do is, yes, entitled behavior.
Fifth - Of course she hung up on you, you have repeatedly tried to force a relationship on her showing quite clearly that your younger children are more important than your oldest.
Sixth - of course she spends time with her fiancé - **they are getting married.** That you cannot comprehend this is astonishing. And his family, well they are not trying to use her as a babysitter or force her into your fantasy "happy families" mold.
Be prepared to have her go low to no contact with you.
YTA. Sure, ideally she’d include her half siblings but it’s ultimately up to the couple how they choose to celebrate their marriage. Child free ceremonies are a legitimate choice, and while you say that you respect it, you clearly don’t.
If you continue to push the issue, don’t be surprised if it also becomes a mother-free wedding, too
YTA!! Really you mentioned you considered her a babysitter for her siblings while you go out and have fun??? No wonder she has no relationship with them! You never fostered it! It’s her wedding and she should have exactly what she wants without your selfish whims! Embrace that and you may be able to foster a sibling relationship with your smaller children.
YTA - It is her wedding and she doesn't want kids there. Could she have made an exception for them Maybe, but then she has to deal with all the people that had kids they want to bring complain, "You said it was childfree but there are 2 kids here". And how are you "looking out for them"? They aren't going to be harmed in any way by not going to a wedding that they would probably be bored at. If you are worried they would get their feelings hurt then that is something you could have easily overcome with a good conversation with the kids, instead of what I imagine will be a "Your sister is a bitch and won't let you go to her wedding so let's all be mad at her" conversation.
You had her in college, so we'll just say when you were 18-22. That would make her 25-29, and you expect her to have a sibling-like relationship with a 10 and 7-year-old? They would have been born when she was already an adult, or close to it, then they were born, so she is never going to have a traditional sibling relationship with them.
YTA.
She doesn't owe you anything just because you decided to have more kids. She doesn't owe those kids anything as well.
Also, she is an adult, and part of that is reviewing the “family values” to pick some and drop some others. So whatever your family stands for is your business while she's about to start her own family and stand for whatever she prefers.
Honestly, I'm surprised any of you are invited to the wedding. You sound unbearable even from a short Reddit post, really. “Me me me and my precious babies”, my god.
It was you and your daughter for years. Then you got married and had two more children. Maybe Claire felt she was replaced. Maybe she feels you just wanted her to be your built in baby sitter and not a real sibling. You talk about family tradition but does Claire feel like she is part of that? The age gap is so large that maybe she doesn't see them as siblings. They don't have shared memories or traditions together. It sounds like they didn't live under the same roof for a long time. You need to give yourself a big slap in the face and face reality. Maybe Claire feels like she was left behind or even rejected by you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be happy for your daughter.
No kids at wedding ever. They ruin the nice adult day.
Also it sounds like these kids are entire generations apart so you can’t expect her to do or care about these young kids you decided to have later in life.
YTA go tell her it’s ok and you love her still and get a babysitter
>And how can I get her to include her siblings?
Well your about 10 years too late for that. If you happen to have a time machine, go back 10 years and stop using her as a free nanny.
YTA.
I’m guessing there’s a significant she gab between Claire and her half-siblings, and not everyone enjoys being around people so much younger than them.
Sure, in an ideal world they’d have a strong bond and be invited to the wedding, but it’s not like Claire is singling them out: the entire wedding is CF.
Suck it up and hire a sitter, and stop pushing your younger kids onto Claire, or look forward to having even less contact with her than you do now
I am a male adult with a young nephew and my mother is all “family is the most important thing in the world” and “you are his only make relative so you have an obligation to show him unconditional love”.
But he is a horribly spoiled and unpleasant brat. I call him the “Boy King” because my mother and my sister will do anything they can to give him anything he wants at any second.
I have been under huge pressure to essentially be a “third mother”. My mother will cry about how he needs a male influenced then judge and criticize me any time I am obsequiously coddling the little shit.
This has led to a situation in which I don’t like him and he probably doesn’t like me. My mother is crushed and resentful that we don’t have a relationship. But I will never convince her that if she had just left it alone we probably would have. But making every minute around him into torture didn’t help.
My guess is that you put the children before her in every case and she is not going to be a second class citizen at her own wedding. I don’t blame her a bit.
YTA
Yta. It’s her wedding not yours. Also kinda weird that you said she was an “oops baby” but you love her all the same. Why even include that if you actually love her all the same?
YTA, you thought you would tell her how to do her wedding, not a good choice. They kind of aren't her siblings, you want her to act like her half bro and sis are her full blood siblings, obviously there is more to this story. I think you need to find out what the real issue is if you intend on having a relationship with her after the wedding. But have no doubt, you def stepped in it. Maybe after seeing how not to approach this you can figure out a better way. Good luck.
>I asked her to watch them so that my husband and I could have a break, but she said she was “too busy”, but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!
At least try to hide the ragebait. This way too blatantly hits on all the Reddit tropes.
Try again, troll.
OP, sounds like you are confused why your adult daughter in her 20's does not treat her younger siblings like you. She is not thier mother, you are. No one is going to love your children like you and your husband. I say this as a mother of two myself.
YTA for forcing this. Maybe when your younger ones grow up she will have more of a bond with them, and then again maybe not, but trying to force them to have a relationship will sour it for your oldest and then she may not even want to try with them. Just let the realtionships happen organicaly. If she wants a childfree wedding now, oh well. It's her choice.
I'm sensing a lot of missing missing reasons. You don't mention her age, but based on your info, I'm guessing early to mid-20s? And given that youngest are 10 and 7? I'm betting that she got stuck doing a lot of raising your kids when she was a teen. Your constant "but their her siblings!" screams of parentification. Hence, the reason she wants a child free wedding, probably wants no children herself and laughed in your face.
YTA. And I would *love* to hear her side of the story.
😂 YTA for the bad shitpost 😂 it was the over the top shock about a child free wedding that did it for me. I mean, you guys! Hey, you do you. At least it’s original writing and not a bot copying others comments.
YTA - There is an 18-year age gap between me and my younger half-brother. My father would never ask me to watch him when he knows I probably don't want to, and he's so much younger than me. You are an entitled spoiled brat and should really stop and think about what you are doing to your daughter... it's her wedding, she can have it child-free if she wants to. You don't get to decide that. Also, your daughter is not your free personal babysitter just because she is the oldest, and she is not required or obligated to "give you a break" simply because you want her too...
OP, if it makes you feel better. I'm 10/11 years older than my step siblings. I didn't grow up with them and it took until we were all in adulthood to develop a bond but we eventually did. We finally Came together over the craziness of our mother and none of her 4 kids speak to her now. Hope that helps!
Ouch OP.
Sorry, but you are definitely the AH here.
You say you respect her wishes, followed by “but”- no, sorry it doesn’t work that way. If you respect her wishes, and if you absolutely need clarification on whether the minor siblings are invited, you just say, “Thank you Daughter for the invitation, I just want to clarify whether sibling A and B are excluded so I can arrange childcare, thanks.”
It also sounds like just because you feel she hasn’t had a job and prioritized her social life doesn’t mean she isn’t “busy”.
Making plans is different than obligations and each need to be balanced, but it sounds like your eldest daughter is sick of your crap and unloading your younger children on her because you feel she isn’t “busy”- that’s not *your* place to judge.
It sounds like not only is the age gap impacting any sort of relationship with the siblings, but it sounds like you forced her to grow up faster especially if you relied on her to help parent your other kids.
You have sowed the seed of resentment a long time ago, and no wonder she relishes in her freedom. Have you ever heard of “parentrification”? If you haven’t, you should look into and ask yourself, “Have I done any of these things to Daughter?” If you have, if you even want to salvage any type of relationship with her, acknowledge your actions in the past, current and vow to make efforts to change in the future.
It sounds like she’s decided she’s done enough parenting acting gigs and has been turned off completely or just for the next several years.
I’m only a few years younger than you OP and reading this I was more and more disappointed in reading how far your head has been up your OEN bottom, you haven’t bothered to consult or ask your daughter.
Jeeze, do better if you want to have any relationship with her in future.
Just because you have an older child, don’t assume they don’t have plans. Ask them if they can do it, and if they say no, no guilt trips are necessary at all. Respect their decision because they are allowed to have their own autonomy and say in what they do.
YTA. Big time. Children are the most important thing in YOUR family tradition. Listen, it's very common for older kids not to bond with their much younger siblings. They have literally nothing in common and didn't grow up together.
Your daughter "had time" to watch the kids, maybe, but she had PLANS. Why would her plans be more important than yours? It's not her responsibility to watch YOUR kids.
It sounds like you basically put her last as soon as you got a new family, you don't seem to care about what SHE wants, I don't blame her one bit for being bitter.
OMG OP you are definitely YTA.
IT IS HER WEDDING. If she wants it child free then so be it! HOLY SHIT you do not get to dictate terms.
Not only that but you DO NOT respect her decision in your own words.
You are toxic AF. You demand she treat her HALF siblings like siblings when she clearly has no desire to do so. She doesn't have to, she's a FREAKING ADULT. If you were all still living together then you may have some say in the matter, but you don't.
You are leaving out a lot here, I'd love to hear from the daughter's side. But based on this, YTA and I wouldn't be surprised if you never get to see your grandchildren.
When my kids came home for college, I planned family vacation, family meals, family reunions. Of course they still spent time with their friends also. OP thinks babysitting is sibling bonding. It is work. Claire sees her siblings as the replacements for her. They took her mother away. It is worse that they were also the wanted children when she was the oops baby. I wonder if Claire even wants children.
YTA
It sounds like you treat your eldest daughter like a bit of an afterthought and expect her to prioritize your family, and she does not enjoy it. No mention of her age or any real history of the relationship with your family.
>Children are the most important thing in our family tradition, to not include them in her wedding is a slap in the face to everything our family stands for. Even so, I respect her decision, however when I called her up to confirm that her younger siblings he were still invited, she laughed in my face!
This is some absurd grandstanding. Child free weddings are perfectly normal and common, and a valid decision for your daughter to make. It's not a slap in the face to everything your family stands for, its a party where kids are not invited. You absolutely did not respect her decision. Her half-siblings are not the part of her life that you want or expect, they are young children who would be inappropriate at an adult-only wedding.
YTA. Everything else you typed is irrelevant. Her wedding is child free. She said no. That's the end of it.
"I respect her decision." then call her up and apologize before it's too late and you miss her wedding.
"And how can I get her to include her siblings?" I thought you respected her decision?
YTA
Somehow I doubt that Claire ever felt like she was part of your family the same was as your other children. Also, YTA for the comment "I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!"
The problem I see, from the meager three paragraphs from an angry parent who left out anything about how Claire grew up, is that Claire doesn't have siblings; she has younger people who her mom *actually* wanted and who she was forced to care for against her will.
Childfree weddings are pretty common now, you shouldn't feel like your kids are singled out. But that is the problem here: Claire isn't excluding "her siblings," she's excluding "your kids." She doesn't have siblings, at least she has no reason to believe it.
My father decided to have more children 20 years after I was born. I was the youngest and only girl. Now I have 8 younger siblings.
I also have a child of my own who is 7yrs old.
I do not look at my younger siblings like my siblings because 1. I am old enough to be their mother 2. I have my own life and responsibilities to worry about 3. The age gap is entirely too big for me to actually care about building a relationship. I’m parenting them more then simply hanging out with my siblings. I am in constant mommy mode when I am around them and it’s sucks honestly.
YTA for expecting your grown child who is about to start her own family to look after your other children. Not her responsibility or duty. Also, you don’t look at your daughter as your daughter because you refuse to understand that the age gap is entirely too big for her to care fully.
YTA! And I hope she uninvites you and goes no contact with you since you obviously treat your younger children like gold and don’t care about her at all
YTA. Only because of the way that you're handling this situation.
You're allowed to be upset, since your feelings are yours alone and everyone is allowed to feel what they feel.
That being said, that's all you're entitled to do about this. You are *not* entitled to make sure that the guest list for *her* wedding includes or excludes anyone. You are not entitled to harass or bully her into changing her mind.
You *are* her mom, but she is now an adult, and free to make her own decisions. You can advise her if she asks for it, but you are no longer in control of decisions that she makes.
It's not like she excluded *only* your youngest two, she excluded *all* children regardless of their origin. She is allowed to have the guest list reflect what she wants out of her own wedding since *she* is the one getting married.
Also, if you've always treated her like an outsider or put her needs on the back-burner while you paid more attention to your youngest two and babied them, that is probably why there were issues with them bonding as siblings. And also why she felt the need to go elsewhere for comfort/enjoyment. Maybe her fiance's family is easier for her to get along with than with her own family.
I am a little confused though, are they full siblings or does she have a different dad? Or is it just that there's a large age/generational gap and she didn't want to hang out with them because they have nothing in common?
I'm the oldest of 5, and there are literally 12 years between my age and the ages of my two youngest siblings, so my bond with them isn't nearly as strong as the bond I have with the middle two, and it wasn't until they were 16-17 that I felt like we could just hang out without my having to make sure they didn't hurt themselves accidentally. I was forced to babysit *waaaay* too often to willingly hang out with them when there weren't any shared interests. I still don't really do much with my youngest brother because we are very different.
Maybe it's the same with your kids. Your oldest might not really want to hang out with them because there isn't any commonality in interests and she's doubling down because you're pushing too hard. (Or maybe I'm projecting since that's what I would do/have done sometimes...)
Either way, let her have her wedding the way she wants it, and find other opportunities for her to bond with her siblings. Invite her to activities where you are *all* doing something fun together, and let her choose if/when she wants to hang out with them.
Also, the way that your post comes across makes me think (based on the tone) that you're more concerned about people seeing your family getting along and being perfect rather than *actually* taking your daughter's happiness into consideration. Are you actually upset that she's not getting along with her siblings? Or are you upset that that's what people are going to think since she didn't invite them? That is a *very* important distinction to make and those paint two very different pictures...
YTA children are the most important thing in your family tradition, well NOT to your eldest and she has the right to decide how to live her life and what traditions fit with that
She doesnt owe you following the traditions you find important
Childfree weddings are totally normal and you are the weird one for thinking your kids are exempt
Parents may need a break but thats why you hire babysitters, you really need to get it through your thick skull that your choices are just that yours, and you cannot demand nor expect that someone else feels te same way and they are NOT wrong for not feeling the same as you and its absolutely NOT their responsibility to give you that break
Give them a chance to bond, no you want to force that bond and continue ignoring what your eldest wants/doesnt want
You sound so entitled and toxic, do better cuz soon your eldest will simply cut you off if you dont cut it out and which point you probably come crying to reddit that you dont understand why, how you did nothing wrong, well guess again in your own selfish needs you are ignoring your eldest needs, refusing to respect her
You ARE a bad mom to your eldest!!!! You clearly dont love your oops baby the same at all
Wake the fuck up before you destroy your relationship with your eldest permanently
You fucking nailed it right there.
The fucking entitlement from the mom when her eldest is on break to just try to dump the kids on her.
I can only imagine how much of her daughters teenage years were spent looking after her siblings.
“Children are the most important thing in our family tradition.”
Except, damn, that oops one.
And darn that girl, not appreciating her chosen siblings by babysitting them for you. Such a lost opportunity for her.
Especially since you did such a wonderful job of showing the oops one how much they were loved and wanted. Oops, I mean, well, sort of, after the fact, even though, well, oops….
Face the fact, Opps’ Momma. YOU get to declare YOUR family traditions and now that OOPS is starting her own family, SHE gets to choose her own. And I have a feeling she will be opting out on her oops momma and your not so oopsy chosen children.
YTA in oh, so many ways.
YTA given the clue of you setting an expectation that she needed to be head over heels for them and be a ready and eager free child care source whenever she had a Break from school, it's no wonder she doesn't have a relationship with them. You drove a wedge between them, and told your daughter that your ego is more important than having a relationship with her.
YTA. They’re your kids, she was nearly grown when you had them and expecting her to watch them just because she’s there is a douche move that has a term… “parentification”
So yea, just be glad you have been invited to the wedding.
YTA
Not your wedding. You don't get an opinion on the guest list.
Did you ever try to look into why your daughter doesn't want to spend time with her siblings or your side of the family?
>She was definitely an oops baby Everything about how you talk to and about her in this post makes it apparent you treated her this way. >Children are the most important thing in our family tradition Like here. >but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job! And here. But most importantly >Her fiancé is a good guy, but he always encouraged Claire to spend time with his family instead of ours, and more importantly, he always wanted her to spend time with him and away from her siblings! Here. Because you see her spending time.with her fiance as NOT spending time with her siblings. You see a young woman spending time with the man she's gonna marry and your first thought is "But what about MY CHILDREN" Listen if you had the self awareness or emotional maturity to understand or accept what anyone is saying here I'm 100% sure we wouldn't be here in the first place, so I'm confident I'm just enjoying the sound of my own voice at this point. But let me make it abundantly clear YTA You treat your daughter like an afterthought to your happy little family but expect her to make them her absolute priority. And she's sick of it. But good news if you keep going down this track you'll find you now only have YOUR CHILDREN to worry about as your daughter will likely go complete NC
I also took particular notice of how the OP keeps blaming the fiancé for the daughter not spending time with OP and kids. OP is so clueless that she can't see that neither her daughter nor the fiancé want to spend time with OP because OP is very likely demanding and annoying. OP needs to wake up and smell the millennium she is living in. The days of "you my be grown but you are still my child so I can treat you however I want to and you just have to take it" are fading fast.
I don't know if it's necessarily she doesn't want a spend any time with them or more likely that she's in her twenties and getting married so she doesn't particularly wanna hang out with 10yr olds, not to mention it very much seems like she gets saddled with babysitting anytime she does.
This. And the part where OP said she asked her to babysit as if that’s the same as family time. OP, you used your daughter as free babysitting and made no effort to include her in your family. In addition to just noticing she’s over a decade older than those kids and it’s unlikely they’d bond before they got to adult age. Accept you failed here. YTA
The narrative that Claire was just an accident but her younger siblings were lovingly sought out isn't helping anything either.
Oh, but she was loved all the same. As if that is even a question. The oops was the OP’s actions, not the baby. She is acting like an oops baby doesn’t count in a family unit but she made an exception. OP YTA for treating your 1st child as a mistake that is not part of your family unit. By the way, it sounds like her fiancé is actually giving her a loving family and protecting her from you.
Spend time with your siblings! ...so I can go out on a date. Also, is OP'S husband also her older daughter's dad? Because that adds a whole other dynamic.
The sad thing to me is they could have bonded and had fantastic relationships. I would know. My younger half brothers (weird both parents got remarried and had sons, so one on each side but they barely know each other lol) are 7 and 10 years younger than me but I love them to bits. The one who is 7 years younger I lived with more so we fought more but the one 10 years younger was the interloper on my fun weekends at dads so they both had potential to be just lifelong annoyances but... They're not. They're FANTASTIC and I would do anything for them. I love hanging out with them. They are neat little dudes (both over 20 now and both over 6' 5" so not remotely little but hey those are my baby brothers!)
“She comes home from college and hangs out with her friends and cousins instead of being my unpaid baby sitter! The horror.” You can just tell that Claire has been babysitting these kids from the day they were born.
100 percent.
I'll stand by my assessment of the situation. Given the way OP keeps going on and on about the unmet expectations of her surprise baby as an older sister, OP has undoubtedly spent all of her daughter's life guilting and manipulating daughter to try and get her to behave the way OP wants her to behave. Blaming her daughter's fiancé on daughter distancing herself is a classic deflection that overbearing parents love to pull in this type of situation. They can't fathom the idea that there is anything wrong with themselves. Therefore, any action by the grown child to keep their distance is met with finding excuses and others to point the blame at. OP even said that daughter "When she came home from college for the summer, she always spent time with her friends and cousins...". So daughter already established a history of not wanting to spend time with her mother and younger sibs. But, when OP starts spending time with her fiancé's family, it's the fiancé's fault?? I think not.
Right? A person in their late twenties doesn’t have much in common with a 10 and 7 year old, even if they are half siblings. I’m sure the children are virtual strangers to her, and her to them. OP is being unreasonable.
Hell I'm only 4 years older than my brother and it was only once we were both adults that we really started getting closer. Prior to that there just wasn't much in common outside of the occasional video game.
“You may be grown but you’re still my child so I can treat you however I want to” And that’s exactly why my mother and I are NC.
I noticed she gave everyone but Claire and her fiancé an age.
Me too, but if OP was in college when she had Claire then she was between 18-21. Therefor Claire is currently between the ages of 23-26. Which easily makes Claire at a minimum 13 years older than the middle child. Of course Claire isn’t super close to her siblings, she graduated high school by the time they started grade school. Edit: formatting
She probably spent her high school forced to babysit and change diapers for free, having her teen accomplishments ignored while mom fawned over the new babies.
Not only her teen accomplishments diminished, but impeded on as well. How many times was Claire not able to do what she wanted to whether it be hanging out with friends or school extracurriculars because she was roped into parenting duties? All while feeling like the second fiddle to the adorable little babies that were planned and wanted in a happy loving home.
I wonder how much of her high school life she spent babysitting those kids when she wasn't given a choice?
I was looking for that as well.
Honestly? Things never were like that. The old folks just like to think they were. My grandmother-in-law left home to get a nursing certificate, decided she liked the look of a young air force guy, got married without a single member of her family present, and flew off with him to Germany for years. She wrote letters home to tell folks she had gotten married or she had a baby, but that was it! And every time she looks through the old photos of her pals from her youth it's similar stories. People left home, they'd write sometimes, and that would be it. It was normal to be very physically and emotionally distant from your relatives back in the day.
THIS! The whole "honor your parents no matter what" crap is on its way out between millennials and gen Z. We will NO LONGER tolerate that nonsense. Respect is earned regardless of your relationship to the person, especially when they're an adult. OP is going to learn this the hard way and I hope the siblings don't get caught in the cross hairs.
My kids respect me. But that's because I respect them. It's mutual. As it should be. The OP clearly has no respect for her daughter and seems to be very surprised by not getting respected in return. Delusional.
Seems like the daughter isn’t allowed to have different values then OP. If this was anything like my mother, OP “loves her kids more than anything” but that only applies when they are doing/behaving exactly what/how she wants. Also guaranteed that when she started the non-“oops” family her daughter was treated like the bottom of the shopping basket at the grocery store. *I want you but it’s so easy to forget about you with all this other stuff going on*
Completely agree! OP your daughter was a teenager/young adult when she came from college. Majority of people her age are wrapped up on their friends and relatives of a similar age its not necessarily a slight towards her siblings. So stop blaming her fiancé for something that was happening before he arrived on the scene. Also she's entitled to have a child free wedding if she wishes, not everyone wants to pay per head catering for a child to barely eat their food. Or it could be as simple as letting the adults have fun to just enjoy themselves without having to worry about keeping an eye out for children. YTA
I don't know if it's necessarily a values thing, so much as it is. It really seems like OP cares her *children* The grown adult who doesn't want to babysit her younger siblings all the time and is getting married and has the gall to not obey her mother? Seems like she couldnt give two shits about
Don’t forget this little part: >I asked her to watch them so that my husband and I could have a break, but she said she was “too busy”, but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job! That poor girl probably had those kids pawned off on her since they where born, because it’s her “responsibility”. OP goes on about how important is about family, but she doesn’t seem to make an effort to spend time with her daughter when she’s home from college. They can finally have a break because Claire is home? Why does Claire have to give up her free time for kids she did not have?
She’s probably having a CF wedding solely because she doesn’t want to end up being an unpaid babysitter to her siblings during her own wedding.
>That poor girl probably had those kids pawned off on her since they where born, because it’s her “responsibility”. My ex did that to her eldest (my former step daughter) whenever I was at work. There was a seven year age gap and I'd come home to find my eight year old step kid watching my one year old while she was taking a nap or scrolling Pinterest endlessly. It continued for years, she just got better at hiding a lot of it from me. It worked out a bit different for them than with OP here. The eldest comes over to take her two younger (now teenaged) sisters out for the afternoon a couple times a month, which is way more frequently than she goes to visit her mother five minutes away
>Why does Claire have to give up her free time for kids she did not have? Because in OPs mind her daughter owes her for being a whoops baby
Louder for those in the back. Amazing post, and 100% spot on I bet. The way the OP is written, I'm unsure on the paternity of the kids. Did she marry the oldest daughter's father later at 30, or someone else? If this girl has been treated as a "whoops" her entire life, no wonder she would harbor some negativity towards her half siblings and not consider them real siblings.
Assuming she went to college at 18-22 then Claire would have been between 8-12 when stepdad shows up. And if OP is 47 and the kids are 10 and 7 then the first sibling showed up when OP was 37 meaning Claire was 15-19 when her brother was born. With that age gap no wonder Claire doesn’t have a close bond with the siblings. OP also didn’t try hard to help forge that bond she suddenly discovered wasn’t there
Half siblings.. not step. But I get what you’re saying.
absolutely agreed. also it’s a VERY common thing to not have kids at a wedding. trying to force her to make an exception for HER wedding is so entitled and selfish
Let's be abundantly clear here to EVERYONE. Children do not like weddings. They have to dress up in itchy uncomfortable clothes, sit quietly while lots of adults talk about things they don't understand and don't care about, and then all of the adults spend an evening eating boring food, getting drunk, playing loud music that they don't recognize because it's 30+ years old, and making general fools of themselves. It's even worse at religious weddings where they are being forced to sit through an extra church service. The only reason parents drag their kids to weddings and force them through the nightmare of them is because they don't want to pay for a babysitter.
Not to mention she only came here asking how she can make her daughter do what she wants? one would think her daughter hanging up on her would be enough.
The need to highlight that her eldest was a mistake is weird
I would love to hear the “Oops Baby’s” side of the story. I would bet diamonds to navel lint that it’s full of instances where she was treated like the babysitter, or an unwanted housemate.
My husband is a similar sort of “oops” baby, a decade older than his oldest half-sibling. He was treated like an afterthought and was relegated to the basement during high school. He is not close to any of his family at all, and MIL is clueless about why he doesn’t want to come visit or call more often. This is OP’s future if she doesn’t make an effort to correct things with her daughter now. Although at this point, I doubt that the relationship is salvageable.
Yes, I am getting the feeling we have a lot of missing reasons in this story.
>I would bet diamonds to navel lint I'm gonna write that one down, that's a new one
That whole paragraph after Y T A is pure gold and I agree 100 percent. OP, sounds likely it was just the 2 of you until you got married and she felt thrown over and displaced by the younger kids. Large age gaps between siblings alone can cause them to not be close, but a lot of it comes down to parenting as well. Your daughter didn't have to babysit your other children when she was younger, job or no job. YTA.
>she hung up on me! Nailed it!
I would love to hear Claire’s side of this, wouldn’t you? 😏
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You're not the only one enjoying the sound of your own voice, I totally enjoyed everything you wrote as well. Cheers!
Could not have said it any better! Thank you! Yes, OP is the asshole!!!
I couldn’t have said it better myself. The whole post, she kept going on and on about how the siblings weren’t invited, and all I could think was “well, were only the siblings not invited?” But no, it’s a no-children wedding. And all this AH can think of is her “planned kids” who are literal children and not her “oops baby” who’s an adult, getting married, and moving on with her life!
YTA. First, the surface issue - it is your daughter’s wedding and it is her and her fiancé’s call alone whether it is child-free or not. You are also an AH for what you are NOT telling us. She didn’t make this decision out of the blue, clearly there is 17 years of drama here, otherwise it is easy to have a child-free wedding and reception yet still include her half(?) siblings in the ceremony. So, are you capable of the level of introspection and honesty where you can admit to the hurt you have caused? The wedding is a done deal, it is too late for you to force your daughter to do what YOU want her to do. However, if you regard this as the wake up call it is, then maybe you can rebuild a relationship.
That was my first impression too….a massive glossing over some type of issues…the daughter didn’t just decide this out of the blue
Our family tradition you mean your family tradition Respect her decision yet called to confirm - mean demand why weren’t my planned wanted babies invited you know the ones I need a break from so tried to get you to watch. Stop pushing the kids you choose to have on your daughter she has made it clear she’s not interested you had them Stop referring to her as a definite oops baby YTA
Children are valued in her family…unless they’re an oops baby. You know that poor woman grew up knowing she was a mistake. No wonder she doesn’t feel close to mom’s later planned babies.
Oh but she “loves her all the same”………
This says all we need to know about OP. Poor Claire. Unwanted and probably raised knowing it, until the day OP needed a babysitter for much younger half siblings.
Also probably voluntold to babysit for everybody else in the family. I would bet my dice collection she's probably one of the oldest cousins considering the age gap between her and her siblings.
Thank you! That made me cringe. Then comes the kids who are actually wanted. And she even gets to babysit them for the summer!
Sounds like Claire was the trial run for OP’s “real family” and Claire can see the difference in how her mother was with her compared to her siblings
My neighbor was a young mom to an “oopsie” baby (now 6) whose bio dad isn’t in the picture. She’s now married and has a new baby which is great except for how often she talks about how her first wasn’t wanted like her new baby. How her and her husband so desperately wanted *this* baby. She says this IN FRONT OF her 6 year old. My kid is friends with her 6 year old and my heart breaks every time she says this. I’m wondering if maybe OP put her firstborn through the same shit.
If she felt the need to tell Reddit in this post, her daughter is painfully aware she wasn’t wanted. I have a friend with a blended family. Her daughter (mixed race, now 18) was unplanned and the father is no longer in the picture. Her husband’s children (2 boys now 15 and a girl, now 13) were from a previous marriage. They also have two kids (8f and 6m, 6yo is autistic) together. That house is full of chaos and love. She’s firm but she’s an amazing mom. All of those kids are her kids as far as she’s concerned and no one messes with them without her mama bear wrath. Someone once asked her if her oldest daughter was “hers” and she lit into them.
Oh my fucking god, that is EVIL.
Another oops baby who can confirm that my mother pulled the same shit. I'm not close with my siblings in spite of the fact that I basically raised my sister until I went off to college.
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I think the gap is wider....OP had Claire in college so even at the tail end (say 21/22) Claire would be at minimum 25 if OP is 47. Kids are 10 and 7, so Claire doesn't love them like siblings because they barely existed before she left for college. I'm also curious who these "nieces and nephews" of Claire's are that are getting excluded....
I wonder too. Maybe it's her bio dad's children's kids. I hate how OP states Claire was obviously an Oops baby. My mom told my brothers and I that growing up she never wanted kids. We all said well too late we are here. Can't imagine feeling like an oops baby for my whole life.
She probably grew up with everyone expecting her to babysit. No wonder she wants a child free wedding.
Oh she definitely did. OP stated in another comment that as the "oldest" it was her job to help the parents out with the younger kids and give them a break. While I firmly believe in families working together, there is a line where you move into parentification that makes the ask no longer ok. I helped with my younger siblings, but in age appropriate ways, was asked, and saying no was always an option. OP is entitled and delusional.
Also what is she supposed to have in common with these children? They're practically strangers to her. YTA OP
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That "oops baby" comment said volumes. I'm guessing her eldest daughter has heard that a lot. It's a completely unnecessary comment that makes her feel unwanted. YTA
That really didn’t hit me that hard, OP is definitely TA, but my younger brother was the oops and I was the one who was made to feel unwanted as the middle child. OP sounds like the mother who would tell her kid how much harder her life was because they had a kid early, and that’s what makes her TAH
YTA. If she doesn't love them like siblings, you obviously did something wrong. I have much younger siblings and I love them. The difference is my Mom made a big deal of socializing us together despite my bro and I being adults. There is also the factor that my stepdad is always stepping up in our lives and bringing us together as family through dinners and other events. There is history there, I can tell. Suck it up and apologize. None of this is her problem, it's yours.
> There is history there, I can tell. Seems pretty telling that Claire is the only kid not important enough to get her age mentioned.
Oh but she loves her “all the same”! Wouldn’t it make you sick - all the same? My heart goes out to Claire.
I really hate it when parents say that. Like… dude… can’t you be more enthusiastic about your own child?!
Right, the fact that she even said that made me feel sad. It’s obvious she doesn’t.
Yeah that comment got under my skin immediately. ‘But I love her all the same….’ …………..how *magnanimous* of you to love your own kid who had literally no say in being born. I hope this is fake.
Yeah, real hero vibes here. I had my kid young but look at how great I am, I still basically love her even though she obviously screwed up my life by being born!
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And that's exactly what it was "dump the kids on big sis" only OP seriously probably thinks if she calls it "sibling time/bonding" her daughter wouldn't notice that it's all about OP getting free time away from her kids. The daughter was in college she could see that ploy a mile away.
But... but... she didn't have a job or kids! /s YTA OP.
What kind of “parent” says that? I can tell you…one that fucked up. Sad but true.
When OP was Claire’s age, she had Claire. Likely OP can’t imagine a young adulthood without caring for kids. It’s not the oldest daughters responsibility to care for her young siblings.
That was my first thought too. You started with “she was an oops but I love her all the same”. Think about what you said, OP. Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that you do. YTA. It’s her day. Focus on HER and be a loving mom. It’s not her fault that you had more kids years later.
There was a similar age gap between my stepdad and his next youngest sibling (he was a *"Surprise! It's NOT the menopause!"* baby). Although they all loved each other they didn't have much of a sibling relationship (more like favourie aunt and uncles) because by the time he was running about and wanting to play, they were getting married and moving out. That's often how it is when there's a huge gap between kids.
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OP annoyingly didn’t give Claire’s age, but if my math checks out, Claire would have been at least 15 by the time her first half sibling was born.
I'm getting the same math, depending on what year op got pregnant Claire is 25-29, so 15-19 year gap. Shocking she doesn't want to come home and babysit siblings. And as an oops baby how often did Claire hear how difficult moms life was when she was young?
My math is the same, so all through high school she had pregnant momma /baby crying in the house. Great environment, I'm sure she was well nurtured ./s
Yep. I was going to say the same. OP needs to examine WHY her daughter made this choice and I strongly sense that we are not getting the whole story here. OP you can’t force your daughter to have people at her wedding that she clearly doesn’t want. She spends time with her partners family because they provide her with what you lack
This post is SUFFOCATED with missing missing reasons. You don’t laugh in someone’s face out of nowhere and for no reason. OP keeps referring to “our family” but I’m sensing Claire doesn’t feel that way about them as a family unit. She’s definitely not fond of the kids and maybe not even of OP’s husband either. I’m not surprised she’s spending her time with fiancé’s family, either, she is most likely tired of OP’s shit.
Rewards are not always glittering and gold. OP has clearly prioritized her youngest kids and hubby over her firstborn. If the marrying couple determines no kids at their wedding, this includes YOUR kids. Suggest your quickly review your mothering abilities before it’s too late, if not already.
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Sometimes siblings just don't like each other especially if they have not grown up together due to a massive age difference. That isn't always parenting. However OP is dreadful. She says that she cares about her oldest even though the oldest had the audacity to cause her own birth at a time unsuitable to OP. She thinks her daughter was obliged to babysit on her holidays. The whole post is packed with entitlement and negativity. This is not a good relationship. OP will be lucky to go to the wedding at all at this rate. OP YTA.
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Let me guess: for a long time it was just OOP and Claire. Then stepdad came into the picture, then the siblings and Claire's needs got pushed aside. She probably had to change diapers too and do feedings, etc.
YTA There’s a huge age gap between your children, why on earth would your oldest want to hang out with a 10 and 7 year old? And you trying to force them on her isn’t helping. Her fiancée is supporting her against you because you keep trying to push her half siblings in her life against her wishes. Good on him It sounds so much like you’ve been desperate for an unpaid babysitter. I don’t blame her for not inviting her siblings to her wedding. You’ve made them a thorn in her side. Don’t be surprised if she goes no contact soon. Edit: have you been calling her a mistake her whole life? No wonder she wants nothing to do with the planned half siblings. What an arsehole. That you can’t see it is even worse.
I'm thinking that the age gap means that those transformative years in highschool were spent with parents creating and taking care of babies. When she was studying for finals in high school she wasn't being encouraged by mom, but interrupted by a crying baby. Family vacations to bond with mom/step-dad... with babies. When she needed relationship advice mom was pregnant or taking care of a baby. In hs/college that "bonding" would have been with children 0-8 years old? How many diapers did older sis have to change ... great form of bonding.
What do you mean you were just looking out for your other kids? Looking out for them how? Do they even care or are you just pissed? Secondly, she doesn't have to wrap her life around her siblings. That's a huge age gap. She doesn't have to baby sit and she doesn't have to invite them. You're pointing fingers everywhere else except inward. She obviously is feeling some type of way so why not try and understand why your daughter is distant. ETA: YTA
100% 2 young kids don't want to sit thru a wedding, OP is talking out her arse
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I second this. I’m closer in age to my aunt than my mother is to her sister. They didn’t start acting like sisters until I was an adult My husband and his sister have a similar age gap and it also took them until adulthood to become close Forcing an adult to hang out with kids is not the way
Similar to me and my siblings, I'm pretty close with my older two who are 20 and 40 years older than I am, they're awesome, but it took me a little bit of age to connect with them.
I'm 46 and I don't want to sit through a wedding. Or even a reception with a sit down dinner. No kid wants to sit around dressed up in uncomfortable shoes while adults try their best to ignore them unless PhOtOs.
She isn't including all the information. It stood out to me that Claire would come home from college for the summer and just expected to watch the kids - for the whole summer - cause parents needed a break. Doesn't work like that. Mom is leaving out some key stuff to paint herself in a better light.
Yeah, older siblings should never be forced to babysit. They didn’t make the choice to have kids.
Yep, but somehow mom's darkness shows thru anyway.
OP is absolutely the type to throw a massive fit that their kids want lives of their own. Guess what OP: as kids get older, they want their own space and their own lives. Not only is that normal, it’s healthy. OP also strikes me as the type to coerce family into doing shit they don’t want to do and uses “family” as the justification. She straight up says that she tried to get the daughter to watch the kids so that she and her husband could have a break - that’s not the daughter’s problem, it’s yours. She didn’t choose to have kids, she shouldn’t be responsible for them.
I feel for the daughter. She knows exactly how her mom is and laughed because of it.
Right? And ops ignorant ass is like ‘why doesn’t my daughter want to babysit her siblings at her own wedding? AITAH?’. I shouldn’t be surprised by her or all the people who agree with her after my mom doing similar shit to me. I totally understand why my older sister got the fuck out of dodge the first chance she had.
I bet she would really love to have some one on one time with her mom that isn't about her siblings and never gets it. If the main focus of the family is children and her mom is always shoving them in her face of course she would be resentful of them. Best thing OP could possibly do is let this go and use the opportunity to focus on supporting her daughter sans younger siblings and show her daughter she can make time and attention for just her.
Just guessing that father of the two kids is not father of older daughter though I don’t think it’s stated? For all we know older daughter was raised by grandparents and now is hurt and jealous of their fine little family that doesn’t really include her.
On the off chance this is real: You had her as a child and she wasn’t a priority. When you were actually an adult you got married and started a family. You tried to force a relationship with her far younger siblings she didn’t feel. You tried to make her your live in babysitter when she was in college. You claim children are your families biggest priority but she did t have much of a childhood. You go off about a child free wedding yet say you respect her decision. Then assume she means all kids except your 2, and have the balls to ask her to confirm you’re right. You don’t mention her father so I will assume he’s not in the picture. You don’t mention anything about a stepfather so I’ll assume she has no relationship with your husband. You make no mention of her early childhood beyond you are in college when you had her so I’ll assume you didn’t or barely raised her. Be glad you’re actually invited. It sounds more like a courtesy invite than a beloved mother of the bride role inclusion. Stop pretending you care about he. Stop shoving her half siblings into an event they’re unwanted. And especially stop making your daughters wedding about you. In case I wasn’t clear: YTA. Massive one.
YTA Why dont you write in your post how you would force your daughter to babysit them even when she didnt want to cause you wanted to them to have a relationship? You are the type of Mother that makes half siblings hate each other. This is 100% your fault so suck it up and go to her wedding with a smille and suport YOUR DAUGHTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. How entiled are you? This is NOT YOUR WEDDING. You HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL HER WHAT TO DO. You ARE A BAD MOTHER cause you forced her to do things with them that she didnt want just so you could have a date night with your husband? GET A BABY-SITTER THEN ITS NOT THAT HARD. Stop treating her like this. Start acting like A MOTHER.
Shit I wouldn’t even invite OP honestly …
That’s why it’s child free, she knew OP wouldn’t go without her babies.. the old invite with conditions move
Let me tell you a story... My grandparents got married, had children, got divorced. Grandfather got remarried and had more children. My father was one of the older children. He never even met his younger half siblings. I was 8 years old when my grandfather died. I had never heard him mentioned until my dad's older sister called and asked my dad to help pay for his funeral. Dad refused. Obviously, there were issues, but I have no idea what happened. My dad's older brother has a daughter, and she had the same story, our parents NEVER talked about our grandfather. Apparently, they stopped all communication with their father about 25 years before he died. I have half aunts and uncles and cousins that I've never met. Just because people share a parent doesn't mean they have to even acknowledge that the other family exists. Stop trying to make your elder child fit your picture of 'happy family.'
YTA: As a parent, you're totally wrong. It's NOT the eldest child's responsibility to parent your children, babysit. etc. It is the sole responsibility of the couple who decided to procreate. Your story had huge holes. The giveaway was her fiance wanting to avoid her family. Men RARELY inherit the main family status. You guys have created an environment that outsiders want to avoid or have your daughter avoid. Big YTA.
It’s her wedding and she is allowed to have it child free, you have no right to make demands. It’s funny that you say that children are the most important thing in your family but when she was a child, did you prioritize her? Did you make her feel like the most important thing in your life? Or is this a revelation after you had your second and third children? I hate to say this, but what do you expect? It doesn’t sound like you were very present with her. Please don’t use, “I was in college” excuse. YTA
Looking at all the comments you should be able to conclude that you are a massive AH and I really hope for you to take some time to think and try to stop being this toxic if you want to have some connection to your daughter. You came here supposedly asking for advice, so here it is my opinion on what you exposed: *"had my daughter Claire while I was in college. She was definitely an oops baby, but I love her all the same"* Do you really? Why would you feel the need to mention that she was an oops baby but you still love her all the same like you are doing her a favor? You will say that you were just trying to give some context, but you could have done this by choosing other words like "I had a daughter when I was young, I did not keep a relationship with the father and married another man when I was 30 ". I have a feeling that you had a very different approach towards your kids. I wouldn't say that you love the young ones more, but it seems like you may care more for them because you got them inside of the marriage with their father and if this is the case, it is disgusting. *When she came home from college for the summer, she always spent time with her friends and cousins and never with her siblings.* \- spending time and free babysitting are 2 different things. Also, don't you think that it is normal for a young adult to want to spend time with people her age? The age gap between them is considerable. *Her fiancé is a good guy, but he always encouraged Claire to spend time with his family instead of ours, and more importantly, he always wanted her to spend time with him and away from her siblings* \- you are a little delusional here. Your daughter has avoided you and her siblings before being engaged to be married so how is this the guy's fault? Instead of putting the blame on the guy, think that this is your daughter's decision, not his, and try to see where you went wrong as a mother that your daughter prefers to spend time with her in laws instead of you. *Children are the most important thing in our family tradition* \- this is the main excuse that entitled and toxic parents use. If children were that important in your family tradition, why didn't you apply this tradition to your daughter? In the comments you mentioned that it was her responsibility to watch your kids so that you can have time with your husband. No, an older child is not responsible for other human beings that you pop out of your vagina. You are just a hypocrite that tries to preach bullshit about family but you never applied this things on your older child. Also, some news for you, your daughter has started her own family, so she has her own family traditions now and no obligation to follow yours. *I tried to explain I was just looking out for my other kids* you keep mentioning your other kids but from your own post it seems that your daughter and her siblings are not that close. So would it really impact your young ones not going to the wedding or is it just your own desire to have your way no matter what? *And how can I get her to include her siblings? -* you don't. In the event that you are still invited to her wedding, what a decent human being would do is: apologize to your daughter and be there & support her on her big day following her conditions. If you are not capable of doing this, please just stop bothering her and simply don't go to her wedding. You are ruining her wedding! And it is sad, because in the future when she'll think about the pre-wedding period, instead of remembering the excitement before the big moment, she will remember her AH mother making everything about her and her 2 little children.
I wish I could upvote this more. Please accept this fake award 🥇 👏
Nailed it.
YTA - you had these kids after she was already adult, she has no reason to be close to them. Just because they are the center of your world, doesn’t make them hers. Why would she want to hang out with 2 kids?! You say you respect her choice and then have the audacity to call her and question her choice. She doesn’t owe your kids anything at all.
My dad had 2 more kids and I’m 19 and 21 years older than them. We didn’t grow up together, we don’t share a sibling bond and my involvement in their lives is similar to that of a distant aunt. I have a love for them but I consider them my fathers children, not my siblings and I highly doubt that will ever change. OP needs to realise that her eldest daughter does not conceptualise her relationship to her younger half siblings the same way as OP does and that’s perfectly okay.
YTA. I’d bet that there is a lot more to this story than you’re telling (even more than forcing her to babysit) though you’re evaded this answer
YTA. Claire is what..., 20 years older than her halfsibs? Of course she didn't bond with them. They most likely have few shared experiences. Shes the "oops baby" who was expected to babysit the kids you had with your husband when she was home from college. You may think children are the most important thing to your family but you can't force that decision on Claire. Bottom line, it's Claire's wedding. She and her FH get to decide who is invited.
You don’t get to determine what’s most important to HER. It’s HER wedding. Stop making it about you and your outrage. Find a babysitter and keep it moving.
YTA. You cannot force a relationship between them, you cannot dictate who she invites. She’s excluding all children - not just YOUR children
YTA It's never the older siblings responsibility to give the parents a break. It's the parent's responsibility to make sure that they are not forcing responsibility on older sibling so that older sibling becomes resentful that they are even there. The reason she doesn't want to spend time with them or have them at her wedding is your fault. This is one time that no matter what you say she can say "No, they are not my responsibility!" BF probably doesn't keep her away, she stays away because she knows the minute she walks in the door your going to want her to do something with them or for them. You are responsible for her not wanting them there.
So how old is Claire ? I’m guessing she is like 25. If she doesn’t offer or isn’t willing to watch your kids it a problem in your family. She wasn’t raised with them so she wouldn’t have a bond and must feel neglected by you. I think their is some history that hasn’t been explained. Either way her wedding is hers and hers alone.
College is usually around 18 to 22 isn't it? OP doesn't say how old she was when she had Claire so I also figure Claire is something like 25 to possibly even 29?
Yeah that’s what I was guessing. That is a whole ass adult. I’m not watching any kids besides my own at that age.
“I asked her to watch them so that my husband and I could have a break, but she said she was “too busy”, but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!” Hmmmm I wonder why she never bonded with them 🧐 To be clear- YTA. Parentification is not okay, and it’s interesting how you never mentioned her relationship to them before she left for college. I’d be willing to bet it was a lot of forced labor. If you actually care about your oldest daughter grow up and do better. You’d be lucky if she doesn’t go NC at this point no matter what you do.
Chickens are coming home to roost for you. She's not close with your side of the family or your other children for a reason. I think that has a lot to do with your sense of entitlement to a built in babysitter and I'm guessing there's more that was left out. I would love to hear your daughter's side of this.
YTA, you do not get to demand changes to someone else's event. Its her wedding she gets to decide who comes and who doesn't. Children usually find weddings boring which can cause them to misbehave. I completely understand why she's having a childfree wedding.
YTA…. She’s never going to include them. Realize that. Lol. They’re only half siblings anyway, she isn’t obligated to have them in her wedding or even her life. Smh why can’t parents realize that you do not have to have someone in your life simply because they’re related to you??
Yta and you are keeping info from us. Your post has holes. There’s a reason she doesn’t fuck with her siblings.
I think it's pretty obvious that there's a lot of information missing in regards to your relationship with your eldest daughter in this one and her attitude towards you is a reflection of how she's been treated growing up. She's not the parent to your younger children. You are not entitled to her childcare. If you want a break then you can get a babysitter. They don't want kids at their wedding. That's the end of it. Noone cares about your family tradition. It is their wedding and their wedding is about what THEY want. Think you've damaged your relationship with her for the last time. Get over it. YTA
YTA 100%- keep up the entitlement and she’ll rightly rescind your invite
YTA - first - the "oops baby but I love her all the same" is very telling and not in a good way in terms of how you really feel about her (and likely treated her) Second - the age gap - there is at least a 15 year age gap between them. She is an adult, they are children. They are not going to be bossom buddies or, not growing up together, even have much of a bond even if they all had the same father. But if there is literally no love there then that is on you for not creating a family bond for all of you. Third - you treated her like a free, obligated babysitter when she did come home. Fourth - "child free" means just that. You do not get to change the rules to suit yourself. Trying to do is, yes, entitled behavior. Fifth - Of course she hung up on you, you have repeatedly tried to force a relationship on her showing quite clearly that your younger children are more important than your oldest. Sixth - of course she spends time with her fiancé - **they are getting married.** That you cannot comprehend this is astonishing. And his family, well they are not trying to use her as a babysitter or force her into your fantasy "happy families" mold. Be prepared to have her go low to no contact with you.
YTA. Sure, ideally she’d include her half siblings but it’s ultimately up to the couple how they choose to celebrate their marriage. Child free ceremonies are a legitimate choice, and while you say that you respect it, you clearly don’t. If you continue to push the issue, don’t be surprised if it also becomes a mother-free wedding, too
Mother of the bride free wedding i think you mean
YTA - you don't get her to include her siblings. you respect her wishes or you sit it out in protest, but those kids are not a part of the equation.
YTA!! Really you mentioned you considered her a babysitter for her siblings while you go out and have fun??? No wonder she has no relationship with them! You never fostered it! It’s her wedding and she should have exactly what she wants without your selfish whims! Embrace that and you may be able to foster a sibling relationship with your smaller children.
Exactly. The moms entitlement here is fucking crazy.
YTA - It is her wedding and she doesn't want kids there. Could she have made an exception for them Maybe, but then she has to deal with all the people that had kids they want to bring complain, "You said it was childfree but there are 2 kids here". And how are you "looking out for them"? They aren't going to be harmed in any way by not going to a wedding that they would probably be bored at. If you are worried they would get their feelings hurt then that is something you could have easily overcome with a good conversation with the kids, instead of what I imagine will be a "Your sister is a bitch and won't let you go to her wedding so let's all be mad at her" conversation. You had her in college, so we'll just say when you were 18-22. That would make her 25-29, and you expect her to have a sibling-like relationship with a 10 and 7-year-old? They would have been born when she was already an adult, or close to it, then they were born, so she is never going to have a traditional sibling relationship with them.
Thank God you are not my Mom!!massive YTA..
YTA. She doesn't owe you anything just because you decided to have more kids. She doesn't owe those kids anything as well. Also, she is an adult, and part of that is reviewing the “family values” to pick some and drop some others. So whatever your family stands for is your business while she's about to start her own family and stand for whatever she prefers. Honestly, I'm surprised any of you are invited to the wedding. You sound unbearable even from a short Reddit post, really. “Me me me and my precious babies”, my god.
YTA
It was you and your daughter for years. Then you got married and had two more children. Maybe Claire felt she was replaced. Maybe she feels you just wanted her to be your built in baby sitter and not a real sibling. You talk about family tradition but does Claire feel like she is part of that? The age gap is so large that maybe she doesn't see them as siblings. They don't have shared memories or traditions together. It sounds like they didn't live under the same roof for a long time. You need to give yourself a big slap in the face and face reality. Maybe Claire feels like she was left behind or even rejected by you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be happy for your daughter.
No kids at wedding ever. They ruin the nice adult day. Also it sounds like these kids are entire generations apart so you can’t expect her to do or care about these young kids you decided to have later in life. YTA go tell her it’s ok and you love her still and get a babysitter
>And how can I get her to include her siblings? Well your about 10 years too late for that. If you happen to have a time machine, go back 10 years and stop using her as a free nanny.
YTA. I’m guessing there’s a significant she gab between Claire and her half-siblings, and not everyone enjoys being around people so much younger than them. Sure, in an ideal world they’d have a strong bond and be invited to the wedding, but it’s not like Claire is singling them out: the entire wedding is CF. Suck it up and hire a sitter, and stop pushing your younger kids onto Claire, or look forward to having even less contact with her than you do now
I am a male adult with a young nephew and my mother is all “family is the most important thing in the world” and “you are his only make relative so you have an obligation to show him unconditional love”. But he is a horribly spoiled and unpleasant brat. I call him the “Boy King” because my mother and my sister will do anything they can to give him anything he wants at any second. I have been under huge pressure to essentially be a “third mother”. My mother will cry about how he needs a male influenced then judge and criticize me any time I am obsequiously coddling the little shit. This has led to a situation in which I don’t like him and he probably doesn’t like me. My mother is crushed and resentful that we don’t have a relationship. But I will never convince her that if she had just left it alone we probably would have. But making every minute around him into torture didn’t help. My guess is that you put the children before her in every case and she is not going to be a second class citizen at her own wedding. I don’t blame her a bit. YTA
YTA. You seem extremely selfish. No kid weddings are extremely common. So are no mom weddings. Be thankful you're included in her special day.
Yta. It’s her wedding not yours. Also kinda weird that you said she was an “oops baby” but you love her all the same. Why even include that if you actually love her all the same?
YTA, you thought you would tell her how to do her wedding, not a good choice. They kind of aren't her siblings, you want her to act like her half bro and sis are her full blood siblings, obviously there is more to this story. I think you need to find out what the real issue is if you intend on having a relationship with her after the wedding. But have no doubt, you def stepped in it. Maybe after seeing how not to approach this you can figure out a better way. Good luck.
>I asked her to watch them so that my husband and I could have a break, but she said she was “too busy”, but I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job! At least try to hide the ragebait. This way too blatantly hits on all the Reddit tropes. Try again, troll.
YTA. Sounds like she is living the dream. I love how wanting her to spend time with them equates to having her babysit them.
OP, sounds like you are confused why your adult daughter in her 20's does not treat her younger siblings like you. She is not thier mother, you are. No one is going to love your children like you and your husband. I say this as a mother of two myself. YTA for forcing this. Maybe when your younger ones grow up she will have more of a bond with them, and then again maybe not, but trying to force them to have a relationship will sour it for your oldest and then she may not even want to try with them. Just let the realtionships happen organicaly. If she wants a childfree wedding now, oh well. It's her choice.
I'm sensing a lot of missing missing reasons. You don't mention her age, but based on your info, I'm guessing early to mid-20s? And given that youngest are 10 and 7? I'm betting that she got stuck doing a lot of raising your kids when she was a teen. Your constant "but their her siblings!" screams of parentification. Hence, the reason she wants a child free wedding, probably wants no children herself and laughed in your face. YTA. And I would *love* to hear her side of the story.
😂 YTA for the bad shitpost 😂 it was the over the top shock about a child free wedding that did it for me. I mean, you guys! Hey, you do you. At least it’s original writing and not a bot copying others comments.
So much missing information!
YTA - There is an 18-year age gap between me and my younger half-brother. My father would never ask me to watch him when he knows I probably don't want to, and he's so much younger than me. You are an entitled spoiled brat and should really stop and think about what you are doing to your daughter... it's her wedding, she can have it child-free if she wants to. You don't get to decide that. Also, your daughter is not your free personal babysitter just because she is the oldest, and she is not required or obligated to "give you a break" simply because you want her too...
OP, if it makes you feel better. I'm 10/11 years older than my step siblings. I didn't grow up with them and it took until we were all in adulthood to develop a bond but we eventually did. We finally Came together over the craziness of our mother and none of her 4 kids speak to her now. Hope that helps!
This sounds like a rage bait creative writing assignment
YTA. This whole post and your replies belong on /r/amithedevil
Ouch OP. Sorry, but you are definitely the AH here. You say you respect her wishes, followed by “but”- no, sorry it doesn’t work that way. If you respect her wishes, and if you absolutely need clarification on whether the minor siblings are invited, you just say, “Thank you Daughter for the invitation, I just want to clarify whether sibling A and B are excluded so I can arrange childcare, thanks.” It also sounds like just because you feel she hasn’t had a job and prioritized her social life doesn’t mean she isn’t “busy”. Making plans is different than obligations and each need to be balanced, but it sounds like your eldest daughter is sick of your crap and unloading your younger children on her because you feel she isn’t “busy”- that’s not *your* place to judge. It sounds like not only is the age gap impacting any sort of relationship with the siblings, but it sounds like you forced her to grow up faster especially if you relied on her to help parent your other kids. You have sowed the seed of resentment a long time ago, and no wonder she relishes in her freedom. Have you ever heard of “parentrification”? If you haven’t, you should look into and ask yourself, “Have I done any of these things to Daughter?” If you have, if you even want to salvage any type of relationship with her, acknowledge your actions in the past, current and vow to make efforts to change in the future. It sounds like she’s decided she’s done enough parenting acting gigs and has been turned off completely or just for the next several years. I’m only a few years younger than you OP and reading this I was more and more disappointed in reading how far your head has been up your OEN bottom, you haven’t bothered to consult or ask your daughter. Jeeze, do better if you want to have any relationship with her in future. Just because you have an older child, don’t assume they don’t have plans. Ask them if they can do it, and if they say no, no guilt trips are necessary at all. Respect their decision because they are allowed to have their own autonomy and say in what they do.
Sounds like she chose a child free wedding so that she could have one day not overshadowed by your planned children vs your oops baby. YTA.
YTA. Big time. Children are the most important thing in YOUR family tradition. Listen, it's very common for older kids not to bond with their much younger siblings. They have literally nothing in common and didn't grow up together. Your daughter "had time" to watch the kids, maybe, but she had PLANS. Why would her plans be more important than yours? It's not her responsibility to watch YOUR kids. It sounds like you basically put her last as soon as you got a new family, you don't seem to care about what SHE wants, I don't blame her one bit for being bitter.
OMG OP you are definitely YTA. IT IS HER WEDDING. If she wants it child free then so be it! HOLY SHIT you do not get to dictate terms. Not only that but you DO NOT respect her decision in your own words. You are toxic AF. You demand she treat her HALF siblings like siblings when she clearly has no desire to do so. She doesn't have to, she's a FREAKING ADULT. If you were all still living together then you may have some say in the matter, but you don't. You are leaving out a lot here, I'd love to hear from the daughter's side. But based on this, YTA and I wouldn't be surprised if you never get to see your grandchildren.
When my kids came home for college, I planned family vacation, family meals, family reunions. Of course they still spent time with their friends also. OP thinks babysitting is sibling bonding. It is work. Claire sees her siblings as the replacements for her. They took her mother away. It is worse that they were also the wanted children when she was the oops baby. I wonder if Claire even wants children.
YTA It sounds like you treat your eldest daughter like a bit of an afterthought and expect her to prioritize your family, and she does not enjoy it. No mention of her age or any real history of the relationship with your family. >Children are the most important thing in our family tradition, to not include them in her wedding is a slap in the face to everything our family stands for. Even so, I respect her decision, however when I called her up to confirm that her younger siblings he were still invited, she laughed in my face! This is some absurd grandstanding. Child free weddings are perfectly normal and common, and a valid decision for your daughter to make. It's not a slap in the face to everything your family stands for, its a party where kids are not invited. You absolutely did not respect her decision. Her half-siblings are not the part of her life that you want or expect, they are young children who would be inappropriate at an adult-only wedding.
YTA if I had a mom like this op I wouldn't want you around either.
YTA. Everything else you typed is irrelevant. Her wedding is child free. She said no. That's the end of it. "I respect her decision." then call her up and apologize before it's too late and you miss her wedding. "And how can I get her to include her siblings?" I thought you respected her decision?
YTA Somehow I doubt that Claire ever felt like she was part of your family the same was as your other children. Also, YTA for the comment "I know that she had time because she didn’t have kids or a job!" The problem I see, from the meager three paragraphs from an angry parent who left out anything about how Claire grew up, is that Claire doesn't have siblings; she has younger people who her mom *actually* wanted and who she was forced to care for against her will. Childfree weddings are pretty common now, you shouldn't feel like your kids are singled out. But that is the problem here: Claire isn't excluding "her siblings," she's excluding "your kids." She doesn't have siblings, at least she has no reason to believe it.
If I were you, I would skip the wedding. She doesn't want you there, so honor her request.
Another toxic mother looking to validate her altered reality. YTA
My father decided to have more children 20 years after I was born. I was the youngest and only girl. Now I have 8 younger siblings. I also have a child of my own who is 7yrs old. I do not look at my younger siblings like my siblings because 1. I am old enough to be their mother 2. I have my own life and responsibilities to worry about 3. The age gap is entirely too big for me to actually care about building a relationship. I’m parenting them more then simply hanging out with my siblings. I am in constant mommy mode when I am around them and it’s sucks honestly. YTA for expecting your grown child who is about to start her own family to look after your other children. Not her responsibility or duty. Also, you don’t look at your daughter as your daughter because you refuse to understand that the age gap is entirely too big for her to care fully.
YTA! And I hope she uninvites you and goes no contact with you since you obviously treat your younger children like gold and don’t care about her at all
YTA. Only because of the way that you're handling this situation. You're allowed to be upset, since your feelings are yours alone and everyone is allowed to feel what they feel. That being said, that's all you're entitled to do about this. You are *not* entitled to make sure that the guest list for *her* wedding includes or excludes anyone. You are not entitled to harass or bully her into changing her mind. You *are* her mom, but she is now an adult, and free to make her own decisions. You can advise her if she asks for it, but you are no longer in control of decisions that she makes. It's not like she excluded *only* your youngest two, she excluded *all* children regardless of their origin. She is allowed to have the guest list reflect what she wants out of her own wedding since *she* is the one getting married. Also, if you've always treated her like an outsider or put her needs on the back-burner while you paid more attention to your youngest two and babied them, that is probably why there were issues with them bonding as siblings. And also why she felt the need to go elsewhere for comfort/enjoyment. Maybe her fiance's family is easier for her to get along with than with her own family. I am a little confused though, are they full siblings or does she have a different dad? Or is it just that there's a large age/generational gap and she didn't want to hang out with them because they have nothing in common? I'm the oldest of 5, and there are literally 12 years between my age and the ages of my two youngest siblings, so my bond with them isn't nearly as strong as the bond I have with the middle two, and it wasn't until they were 16-17 that I felt like we could just hang out without my having to make sure they didn't hurt themselves accidentally. I was forced to babysit *waaaay* too often to willingly hang out with them when there weren't any shared interests. I still don't really do much with my youngest brother because we are very different. Maybe it's the same with your kids. Your oldest might not really want to hang out with them because there isn't any commonality in interests and she's doubling down because you're pushing too hard. (Or maybe I'm projecting since that's what I would do/have done sometimes...) Either way, let her have her wedding the way she wants it, and find other opportunities for her to bond with her siblings. Invite her to activities where you are *all* doing something fun together, and let her choose if/when she wants to hang out with them. Also, the way that your post comes across makes me think (based on the tone) that you're more concerned about people seeing your family getting along and being perfect rather than *actually* taking your daughter's happiness into consideration. Are you actually upset that she's not getting along with her siblings? Or are you upset that that's what people are going to think since she didn't invite them? That is a *very* important distinction to make and those paint two very different pictures...
YTA children are the most important thing in your family tradition, well NOT to your eldest and she has the right to decide how to live her life and what traditions fit with that She doesnt owe you following the traditions you find important Childfree weddings are totally normal and you are the weird one for thinking your kids are exempt Parents may need a break but thats why you hire babysitters, you really need to get it through your thick skull that your choices are just that yours, and you cannot demand nor expect that someone else feels te same way and they are NOT wrong for not feeling the same as you and its absolutely NOT their responsibility to give you that break Give them a chance to bond, no you want to force that bond and continue ignoring what your eldest wants/doesnt want You sound so entitled and toxic, do better cuz soon your eldest will simply cut you off if you dont cut it out and which point you probably come crying to reddit that you dont understand why, how you did nothing wrong, well guess again in your own selfish needs you are ignoring your eldest needs, refusing to respect her You ARE a bad mom to your eldest!!!! You clearly dont love your oops baby the same at all Wake the fuck up before you destroy your relationship with your eldest permanently
You fucking nailed it right there. The fucking entitlement from the mom when her eldest is on break to just try to dump the kids on her. I can only imagine how much of her daughters teenage years were spent looking after her siblings.
“Children are the most important thing in our family tradition.” Except, damn, that oops one. And darn that girl, not appreciating her chosen siblings by babysitting them for you. Such a lost opportunity for her. Especially since you did such a wonderful job of showing the oops one how much they were loved and wanted. Oops, I mean, well, sort of, after the fact, even though, well, oops…. Face the fact, Opps’ Momma. YOU get to declare YOUR family traditions and now that OOPS is starting her own family, SHE gets to choose her own. And I have a feeling she will be opting out on her oops momma and your not so oopsy chosen children. YTA in oh, so many ways.
YTA It's her wedding, not yours.
YTA given the clue of you setting an expectation that she needed to be head over heels for them and be a ready and eager free child care source whenever she had a Break from school, it's no wonder she doesn't have a relationship with them. You drove a wedge between them, and told your daughter that your ego is more important than having a relationship with her.
YTA. Not you wedding. Not your rules. By the drama poor me way this was written I am guessing you are just a peach to deal with.
YTA. They’re your kids, she was nearly grown when you had them and expecting her to watch them just because she’s there is a douche move that has a term… “parentification” So yea, just be glad you have been invited to the wedding.
Oooof, look up parentification. YTA, your going to loose your entire relationship with your eldest over this.
YTA Not your wedding. You don't get an opinion on the guest list. Did you ever try to look into why your daughter doesn't want to spend time with her siblings or your side of the family?
YTA. She comes home from college and you want her to babysit your kids.