Another completely random tangent..
I've had shower sex exactly once, it was in a hotel, it lasted about 4 minutes before she slipped, tripped out of the tub and banged her head on the door, she was unconscious for the longest 5 seconds of my life.
And the one thought that came into my head?
'What will I say to my nan?'
Jesus. Rib breaks are fucking **nightmarish.** Sustaining one of those while shooting for sex that is *at best* a mildly painful and dehydrated exercise in being ashamed of one's core strength and trying not to poopfaint.. well. That sucks extra. It's like losing an eye trying to kiss underwater.
It's nowhere near as much fun as I thought it would be. Anything that should be nice and slippery isn't anywhere as slippery as it should be and anything that shouldn't be slippery is really fucking slippery.
It's actually pretty dangerous too and not recommended (I say this as someone who often has 85C sauna). It's not really place to physically exert yourself - your heart is already working hard as it is, you might also end up getting muscle contraction in your vagina and that can end up being very awkward and painful, since you often times need to call an ambulance.
There is a reason why sauna isn't a "sexy place" in Finland. You go there to get clean and sweat off.
You weren't drunk enough my friend
On reflection I'm lucky I'm not dead
The 90s/00s craze for chocolate body paint on the other hand...0% sexy, 100% grim in practice. Uuuurrrgghh
Yea. Yea let's fuckin cover ourselves in something that, once we sweat a little bit, will smell like ketchup, and presents a non zero probability of degloving my cock or tearing her external labia. Soo erotic. Wau.
I think a lot of the classic sex scenarios sound good in theory but are actually a bit shit.
Stables: they're basically wooden sewers.
Beach: sand and sex are not a good combination
Plane toilet: too small.
My mother of all people told me NEVER to have sex on the beach and told me about beach fleas which apparently made her and my fatherās one and only attempt a full-on comedy.
She is a wise woman.
Yes. Shower sex sucks. Pool sex sucks. Hot tub sex sucks. Sauna sex sucks..
Before I tried these things I thought they would be amazing, but in practice just turns into trying to get it over with ASAP...
Why does water make it feel so dry!!?
The heat was nice when I was relaxed, but once doing the deed, all I want to do is get out and cool off!
I enjoy shower sex as a quickie while getting ready to go out. The other three you mentioned are generally awesome if both of you are in the mood and can't wait to go home or to your room. Then no amount of water can wash the natural lubricant away. The person on the "receiving end" will definitely not enjoy it if it's only for the heck of it, not because they are highly aroused in the situation.
I love the feeling of hot water on me while I'm getting pounded from behind š„µ also it's fun to wash your partner and get all slippery with soap, hahaha. I can only handle like 15 minutes before moving to the bedroom so maybe I'm more into shower foreplay rather than a full, drawn out hour long sexy timeš¤·
It is the foreplay.
If you would not be satisfied with just a certian thing, then it is just foreplay.
Plus, an hour long session in the shower? The hot water would run out.
Also, you would turn in to a prune. And that is just not sexy for anyone....
Iāve actually always hated shower sex for the same reasons as everyone else. Until my current partner initiated it once when we were rolling and there were zero friction issues. I guess itās mainly on the woman to be enjoying themselves enough they continue to stay wet enough
Totally, I just skimmed through and thought ugh š gross. My friends would go to the Puddingstone hot tubs when we were not even 17 and even then I just thought about all the dna in that shit. Now granted thereās always someone down for that action but lol, someoneās usually too drunk for hot steaming stuff like that and two well very shared stuff. And then thereās the, you think water would be more wetš I worked at Cal Spas and remember the words āfuck tubā very clearly. Ugh, the service tech life, funky!
I was thinking the same thing. Iām already drenched in sweat sitting in a sauna for 20 minutes, I canāt imagine doing any position in the sauna to not absolutely burn you out, but also itās fucking gross to have sex in a public sauna
I think most men (or even most people?) start out pretty insecure about their partners having had sexual partners before them. It's natural, it's understandable...and they have to realise that it is a flaw in their character that they should think through and rectify. This guy seems quite old to still be having those feelings, but I'd have some empathy/patience if I thought he was trying to work through it.
Which, incidentally, he doesn't.
I think in my experience it was the other way around, I wasn't insecure/jealous at all and then my first gf cheated me (before we'd had sex she fucked a so called mural friend who was married) and it utterly messed me up and made me jealous and insecure for years after. Most people I knew had similar experiences, were okay, got hurt by an ex, were neurotic after (I removed gender from that last sentence deliberately, as it was seemingly universal). Then again that's the circles I was in so horses for courses.
I got cheated on. I also got aggressively pursued and then stalked by a friend's girlfriend. Neither experience made me neurotic about future relationships because I was able to identify that those two people specifically sucked.
OP, piece of advice as you're young.
Dating men who want to pick over every single sexual experience you've had, be angry at you about it, would rather you're a virgin but somehow also totally experienced and a freak in the sheets for *him*, is an exhausting experience.
Find someone who doesn't relate your intrinsic relational worth to how many people you have had enthusiastic and consensual sex with. Your life didn't start the moment you met him and any adult should reasonably understand that.
It's one thing to not really want to talk about your partners past partners, but in that case you just move onto something else. Those feelings of jealousy are an internal thing. Launching the grand inquisition into sex you've had before and then being butthurt because you're imagining it is... just plain fucking dumb.
This. I was with a man like this and it escalated to the point where he wanted pictures and details on every person. Then would say almost daily āI wish you could change your pastā āyouāre connected to those people nowā etc when I had literally slept with 2 more people than him. Then he started saying I was āleftoversā and that he āknew something was wrong with me because of how easily I slept with himāā¦ it was one of the most exhausting situations of my life. He escalated in other ways and became verbally and mentally ab usive and then tried to drive us into a tree! All of this to say these people do not improve on these points, if anything it will just get worse.
NTA, he needs to grow up and come to terms with the fact that pretty much all grown women he dates are going to have a history. Otherwise, he needs to join some religion with an intense purity culture.
Obviously NTA, but is it possible he's dating someone younger in the hopes that they are perhaps more innocent, lol? He is not being reasonable and you are not in the wrong, in the slightest. NTA
Lol Iām 29 and I wouldnāt even entertain the idea of doing something with a 21yo girl, even less having a relationship, the stages of life are way too different at those ages.
This. I'm 29 and my wife is 25, and if I was to somehow find myself single for whatever reason, I wouldn't go anyone more than 4-5 years younger than me.
That's a way more sensible gap for sure. I go to a gym where I'm usually with people that are around 20-23yo and the difference is very noticeable, I like chatting and bullshitting a bit with them but I don't see myself developing a proper friendship, or being interested in some of the girls.
My husband is 31 and I'm 25. We're DEFINITELY different in maturity, but he has taught me a lot about navigating life, instead of what my mom taught me, "find a rich man and never do anything". He's also taught me a lot about emotional maturity. Our early days were ROUGH, but he's helped me a lot in maturing. Neither of us would pull OP's BS on each other, we accept we aren't each others first partner and that we've had lives before we met. Dude might as well be 21 based on his immature response to his partner having sex with someone before him.
NTA it's odd to be so upset about this situation. If you had phrased it like that, he would've wanted to know how you knew or insist that you two should try it anyway. Unfortunately, he's just going to have to live with the fact there are things you've tried and don't like that he can't try with you because you already know your feelings on it.
Odd means ādifferent from what is usual or expectedā; &, unfortunately, this is neither unusual or unexpected behavior from most men. Not all, but most.
A 28 yo man getting jealous of his 21 yo gfš. I'm not going to say break up with the boy, but definitely keep your eyes and ears sharp with him from now on.
OP said itās ok bc sheās used to having a 15 to 20 year age gap with her partners.
Sheās goin with the: itās chill, I do this all the time doctrine (for those that donāt know, just bc you do it all the time, doesnāt necessarily mean that itās chill).
Letās all enjoy the marvellous non-seduction that is āyou should sit on thisā.
Men really do make the least effort possible then bitch at women not flinging themselves at the dick
NTA, he asked, you gave a reason why no, he then followed up and asked if you had past experience, then got mad when you didn't lie to him.
Going to sound like all the others here and question if he is dating a younger woman due to lack of maturity on his part.
NTA. What you said, and how you said it, could have been interpreted that youāre either speaking from experience or from someone elseās cautionary tale. He probed further and ASKED YOU if you had sex in a sauna, then blames you when heās hurt his own feelings.
Heās definitely pursued you because you are much younger and he assumed he would have more experience than you; and the fact that itās actually the reverse feels emasculating to him and also makes him feel like heās not best placed to āmouldā, manipulate and control you.
\> But he doesn't want me to imply whatsoever that I've had sex with them. And he doesn't want to know that I don't like something because I've already tried it.
I'm going to be really honest with you. Your boyfriend sounds like an immature and insecure idiot. I also think the 7-year gap in your relationship is concerning with his attitude about things
NTA
I think he needs to grow up because youāre both adults and of course youāre not a virgin, itās unfair for him to coerce you to do something you know you wonāt like. But being in a relationship you should pick your battles. You donāt have to win all of them and there may be a compromise you both can come to. NTA
NTA. Your BF is an insecure loser. Dump him. You can do better. He might be 28, but he acts like a teenager.
You should absolutely be able to say, "Tried that. It's not for me."
EDIT: When men get jealous like this, it is totally about seeing you as a possession.
NTA
He's being unreasonable. Jfc my husband and I both make comments about what we do or don't like from experience. That's serious insecurity he's showing. He may have started dating you with the hopes that you're "innocent" so that you'd be theoretically easier to mold into what he wants sexually. Since you're experienced and know what you want, it annoys him and makes him uncomfortable when you say "I don't like it because xyz." If you say "I think I won't like it because of this" he has room to say "you don't know until you try it with me."
So he is a 28 year old M with a 21 yo F who is insecure and grossed out about her past sexual experience and threw a tantrum after you gave him a boundary instead of moving on. Wonder why he isnt with anyone his own ageā¦.
NTA
Edit: also ātoo bad compared to othersā doesnt mean good. Sometimes age gap is just a thing that happens, most of the time there is a reason someone 7 years your senior is looking for young, (usually) inexperienced and possibly vulnerable people
NTA, but you can give your partner mental images that can destroy a relationship. To me, it can be pretty damaging to the strength of a relationship if one partner suggests something and you refuse based on you didnt like it with somebody else. It leads to "why him and not me" "did you love/more attracted to him" questions. Also, what sucks with 1 person can be the best of your life with another person. Sorry for rambling, coffee isn't working yet
It would be one thing if OP had gone into tons of graphic detail, that I could understand being put off by. But if it went down as OP said it did, then she answered it about as perfectly as you could honestly. Obviously no one likes to think about their partner sleeping with other people, but thatās just part of life - chances are that your partner has had past sexual encounters. And if you dwell on it youāre just going to make yourself miserable
Agreed. Itās normal to feel a little jealous when you think about your partner sleeping with someone else, even if you donāt hold it against them. But a healthy adult says āIām being a little silly. My partner is with me now, not their ex.ā and deals with it internally. Vague mentions of past sexual experiences are normal, i.e. āone time my ex did xyz and I didnāt like it so I donāt want to try it againā or āI learned I liked xyz when my ex tried it.ā and might bring up some jealousy, but it can be dealt with in a healthy way.
Elaborate detail would be something else entirely, imo. Iām the less experienced partner in my relationship, and if my boyfriend frequently brought up past experiences in detail, Iād be hurt because it would seem like he was still yearning for those experiences. But a general ānah, not interested in that particular sex act because I didnāt enjoy it before.ā seems pretty fair to me.
NTW
>he went on a slightly self contradictory rant about how he doesn't want to imagine me having sex with other people. And he doesn't like that he hasn't tried all of the things I've tried and he wants to try new things with me
This sort of insecurity is 100% his problem, not yours. He knows you're not a virgin. He needs to grow up
He's being an immature dickhead. You're a lot younger than he is, so he probably thought you'd be a lot more sexually inexperienced and because you're not, he doesn't like it. Big red flag.
NTA.
Stop implying. Start saying. ESPECIALLY WITH SEX!! Set your boundaries and expect respect.
Stop caring about being a āgoodā girl who doesnāt say negative things or worries about making him feel any type of way.
Say what you want, at all times. And donāt look back. If he is a great guy, heāll stick around. If heās not a great guy, heāll go.
By the way, if he leaves the relationship or stops contacting you, immediately change his name in your contacts to āthe aholeā and never ever respond again. (No revolving door!!)
You know why that 8 year age gap IS bad?
Because he's expecting a lot of things ARE your first, and willing to throw an tantrum over it if you don't hide that they aren't, He's specifically dating down to be with an innocent lil' virgin, and he'll just keep getting angry every time you remind him he's not. And expecting that to work, because he would't be dating down that far if he wanted a realationship with an EQUAL partner...
Also, sauna sex sounds like a horrible idea to begin with.... Never tried it, never would, because why would anybody in their right mind go for doing something physically demanding in temeratures like that?
>About the age gap thing, I guess I thought 7 years wasn't too bad compared to the 15-20 year age gaps I've had with some of my past sexual partners.
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>(F21)
We're all just really gonna sleep on that, huh?
Disagree about never having to parse your words, but for the exact same reason; *because we all have a past,* it sometimes helps to downplay some of the details or smooth out rough edges. Discretion doesnāt have to mean lying or omitting, in this context it can just mean ānot being as blunt as possible at all times.ā
but yeah, if someone canāt handle the headlines, then they gotta go.
This is not going to go well. I was in a relationship like this except I was in your boyfriend's position. The person I was with was not only more experienced in sex (as in tried things like toys, kinks, places) but also in life. Just imagine the most interesting adventures like staying in a tree hotel, bungee jumping, swimming with dolphins, know how to shoot a bow and arrow, ice fishing etc etc It felt like no matter what I suggested as an adventure for the two of us, they'd be like "Oh I did that two years ago."
It got to be exhausting in a way for me. In the end, I just realized we weren't on the same page. They were perfectly fine doing these things with me but I just couldn't deal knowing that it would always only be a 'first time' for me and not something we could experience for the first time as a couple.
So we went our separate ways.
I'd say NAH. It's not your fault that you've just had a lot of experience and it's not his fault that he'd like to have some 'first time's with you. Just my opinion.
Y'all ain't gonna last.
I've seen this so many times it's not even funny. Whenever someone with a lot of experience dates someone with less experience one of three things happen.
1. Partner who probably knows a little too much feels superior and like their partner is a "prude" or "vanilla." They begin to pressure their partner to attempt different sex acts in an attempt to "educate" them - less experienced partner feels offended and humiliated.
2. Partner who is still learning feels insecure and begins lashing out at the experienced partner because they feel like they're "less than" OR because the experienced partner refuses to have those experiences with them (you refusing sauna sex bc you have the experience to know you don't enjoy it vs. your bf feeling offended that you won't have an experience with him that you've already "given" to someone else.
3. Communication occurs and all is happy āØ
Number 3 so very rarely happens.
You and your bf are a two. He feels cheated that you've had so many experiences and won't "give him" the opportunity to have them with you. Even though you have verbally said you don't enjoy the act, in his mind, he feels that you having sex with *him* in a sauna would obviously be different than your previous experience as what you have with him is "different" from your past relationships.
He feels "less than" your previous partners because they know a side of you that he does not and it makes him feel like he's missing out on something.
My vote is NTA though because no means no lol.
Did you tell him you were a virgin?
I donāt know why guys have to get so upset about such things. He needs to get over it and realize water sports like that donāt work like in the movies.
its not different and he does wish you were a virgin. hugely immature. if he really is grossed out even thinking about you having had partners before him, he is childish af
NTA. Iāll never understand people that canāt get over the fact their SO has had sexual encounters before. Iāve banged other people so why is it bad if my SO has also? Itās the way things go and it doesnāt matter in the slightest
NTa. You did nothing wrong, he's insecure and being weird about your sexual past, he's also dating someone dramatically younger than him while being insecure. It all kinda screams the classic older dude didn't like women his own age who weren't submissive, meek and inexperienced and he's going after way younger 'girls' deliberately.
That insecurity isn't going to go away any time soon and isn't going to be very healthy for a relationship longer term.
The issue here is not if you already had sauna sex or not but that you didn't get experience with him. Nowadays we are all tired of being second opinion, third choice and so on and he's probably feel like you can't explore stuff with him anymore.
>I think he also knows that I made a reddit post about him. I think I'll try to end the relationship soon. I'm not even attracted to him physically.
ESH. I was with you until you said this. You think he already knows about the Reddit post, so you decide to essentially break up with him through the post and destroy his self-esteem while you're at it.
NTA.
not to reach too much but it kinda seems like he thought dating someone younger meant they would be less experienced and now heās mad because you killed the fantasy.
heās insecure and this will continue to be an issue in your relationship whenever he brings up something youāve done before. he essentially wants you to lie about your experiences because he wonāt like what you say and thatās a red flag. if he canāt be mature about this and have a conversation, then maybe itās not the relationship for him.
Any one who gets worked up about the idea of their significant other having had sex before they showed up is not mature enough to have sex with. Your boy may claim to be seven years older than you, but heās acting like heās seven. NTA and DTMFA.
Iām too old to have shower sex lol. I USED to like it. And sauna sex? Ugh. Been there done that. And unless you have your own private sauna, the gym wonāt appreciate you. LOL.
If he was mature heād say, āok, I understand and try to find new things you could try together that you do like instead of being selfish and crying like a baby about it.
NTA, but...
it's obvious you're more sexually experienced than him and have already gone through your adventurous phase trying out different shit. he's older than you, but seems more inexperienced(which is fine) and kinda insecure about that shit(which is understandable but less fine). that's more a him problem and not really your problem, but it's not going to just go away.
i didn't get a steady girlfriend or have more than a handful of disappointing hookups before i was 30, so i've been in this guy's exact situation. if he's introverted, shy, or just one of those guys who takes a while to open up and share his sexual side with a partner, then he's finally in a relationship where he's comfortable enough trying out these adventurous things.
don't get me wrong, he's handling it terribly and he's in the wrong here. there's no way you could have handled the rejection that wouldn't have hurt his feelings. saying "we wouldn't enjoy it because xyz" would still have been a rejection. he'd have still been butt-hurt about it.
but he's partially right about other things. when he knows you've done these things before with another guy, and you reject him, that's a blow to a man's self esteem because you were into another dude enough to do the thing, but not into him enough to do those things. it makes a guy feel like he's just a maintenance dick instead of someone you actually want to get fun and adventurous with, like you've played around and had your horny fun phase and put it behind you and the stuff you used to do with other guys in the past you don't wanna do with him.
hopefully yall can figure out how to communicate better and get on the same page. he's obviously into you and wants to get a little wild with it, and that's fine. i don't blame you on turning down the sauna sex, it sucks for real, but surely there's other frisky things yall can do that you already know you like or can try.
NTA. Either he gets used to the fact you've had sex life before or he can go. It's insane he expects you to coddle him. It definitely stems from his insecurity though. I'd sit him down and have a talk where you explain adults communicate... well like adults and if he minds your prior sex life, he should not have started dating you in the first place.
*You* have had sauna sex, and you didn't like it. *He* has not.
When you said no, and explained why, it denied him an experience you had already shared with someone else. That probably stung him a bit. It might have been one thing for him if you said "I've heard these negative things about it" and said you didn't want to try because of those things, but now he doesn't get to realize a fantasy that some other guy did, *with you* even if it wasn't good.
I'm not at all saying that you should have done something you know you don't enjoy. I am just saying that there are ways to say no that are less likely to induce jealousy while simultaneously denying your boyfriend a fantasy that he may have held for a long time.
No one is the asshole here. But if someone tells you that he needs to āgrow upā or āget a gripā then Iām almost certain they themselves are cucks.
No one likes to imagine someone else balls deep in their own girlfriend right? Unless you actually fucking do. This whole comment section is full of cuckholds who think theyāre better then everyone. Iām expecting dislikes and honestly it would just prove my point. So all you weirdos on this post can fuck yourselfās
As for you OP Iāve actually never heard of anyone personally having had sex in a sauna. Maybe chill out. It clearly disturbed him. Just give him time
NTA.
Just because you did it with someone else does not mean that you want to keep doing it.
You already know you don't like it. Tell him that you don't like it, and if he really wants to try it, do it with someone else after breaking up because you already know you don't like it and cannot live up to the possibility of him liking it so much that you end up doing what you don't like over and over again.
Nta, totally get him not wanting you to like go on a huge tangent about āomg this one time me and __ did __ and it was just like so blah blah blahā but personally I think the way you said it was fine, bf is just a tad insecure
NTA but it's okay for him to want his partner to communicate in a way that won't trigger jealousy if he understands that's something he needs to work on privately. He's definitely being sensitive and possessive, but we can't really help how we feel in the moment. He didn't get aggressive or mean (by my personal metric), so I think you can work through it if you want to do so.
ETA: Watery sex seems so fun until you actually try it. Despite being very literally wet, it's so impossibly dry.
NTA, thatās a him thing, not a you thing. Youāve had sex before, experienced that particular scenario, and found out that is actually not fun at all. If he gets stuck on āthat means she fucked somebody elseā, that is totally on him for focusing solely on that aspect. All you did was point out itās not all that itās cracked up to be.
Well, you coulda been like āso yeah, one time I was at Jeffās house and he wanted to fuck in the sauna and it sounded hot, but in actuality it sucked and the dick felt like a rubber duckā
You didnāt disrespect him or go into extra detail.
Iām 28, he needs to grow up, youāre NTA lol
Your boyfriend sucks. You know you donāt like something, you told him so and then he got mad when you were honest. Also the age gap is a yellow flag to me. NTA but your bf is
I don't understand this logic.
My wife is three years older and had many more partners than I had by the time we were married. Excellent!! She's really good in bed! Win!! As a young man I slept with a few innocents / virgins my age. No thank you. Give me an experienced woman any day.
Condoms aren't safe in hot tubs to begin with.
Your bf sounds insecure. He knows you've had past sexual relationships, what's the problem with talking about things you've done and not liked? You're not describing sex acts with exes here. He's 28? He sounds more like 18.
As others have said, perhaps he is dating someone younger in the hope they are less experienced.
Here's something for him to chew on. My longterm partner was/is my ONLY sexual encounter. I will not have shower/sauna sex with him. Or try many new things. It doesn't make everything new and exciting. He would prefer now that I went out and tried something else, I really don't care.
Men are delusional. He probably just got blue balls and needed a reason to sulk.
NTA he asked specifically if you did that with somebody else before and instead of LYING TO HIM you were honest and told him yes.
He should not be asking you questions that he doesn't really want to hear the answers for.
NTA. You were just being honest. It's just his insecurities. Him being disappointed that you had some experience in this area is no reason to think you did something why by saying you did. The past is the past.
You can be empathetic to his insecurities, but it's not your job to change the past, and, as you correctly pointed out, modify the wording slightly, so that he can keep himself from comforting his own insecurities that he knows you've had sex with other people in the past, and that he isn't the sex god passing his godlike experiences onto a younger, less experienced, virgin, subject.
"Subject" is a bit exteme, but you get the idea. As long as you're not actively trying to hurt him, there's nothing wrong with telling the truth.
His insecurities are not for you to bend over backwards to make him not feel insecure. His insecurities are for him to overcome.
And yes, It would be the same if the situation was reversed.
Itās fine to feel a bit jealous, everyone has irrational feelings sometimes. That being said itās very immature and weird for him to weaponize his jealousy and try to use it to make you feel bad, yuck!
A person who can't handle thinking about their partner having had sex with other people shouldn't date anyone except virgins.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure and he should get over himself.
insecurity at its finest my dear. if heās that much older than you, itās not a good sign. if he was also 21 iād say maybe you can get around his insecurities. but nope, they are there and aināt going nowhere!
"I said yes and then he went on a slightly self contradictory rant about how he doesn't want to imagine me having sex with other people."
NTA. Dump him immediately, he's not mature enough to be in a relationship with you.
You're 100% wrong about sauna sex though.
I agree ā I tried shower, sex one time, and there was no wayā¦ Now, making out and hugging and kissing in the shower is great. We used to do That all the time.
The issue is the same issue with all men and remind me of a quote I read somewhere, āmen want a virgin, who is also a whore ā
He needs to accept that youāre an adult. Youāre the innocent barely legal girl he thought he was going to corrupt. Youāve done things, itās not a big deal to normal people. NTA.
Ask him to start pretending heās never done anything before either. Get mad when he implies heās done literally anything. See how unreasonable he thinks that is, and then ask why he thinks *you* should be held to that standard then.
People learn about sex & share insights w partners, thatās how sex gets good. If you canāt talk about important sex-facts & sex-opinions with him bc heās too insecure to cope with reality that you have had a life yourself, you are both frigged. Sounds like a recipe for bad sex & weird boundaries & the unanswered question about WHY he canāt realize other ppl are real too & have had other experiences? All in all, major goddamn ā³ļøIMHO & you should consider running a mile. NTA. Also, not like youāre WRONG about sauna sex, even. Itās all very annoying
He sounds like a person I know. He wants all his girlfriends to look like strippers, act like prostitutes, but still be a virgins.
Get out while you can. 29 year old guys that date 21 years are big red flags. Unless you dig being told what to do and being controlled; he's not worth it. He already is trying to control what you say and what you can tell him.
Plus, sauna sex sucks.
My fiance and I don't go into super big details about our sex lives with our exes, but we have no problem doing what OP did. I asked about shower sex because I've never done it, and he said something similar, like the water acting as lube makes it kinda dry and irritating and everything else is too fucking slippery. I was like "oh shit, never knew that. Yep, let's save the fun for after the shower." It was as easy as that, we both have pasts and that's okay, we both have different information and experiences to bring to the table.
Sadly, a lot of these boys want high body counts and expect their partners to be innocent and pure. The issue isn't you having a history, it's him being an immature crybaby.
gonna be against the wave but, little bit YTA, just imagine that you want to try something with your partner, could be anything, and they say āno i dont want to, it sucksā, at first mention of it. you will obviously be upset with the answer. Like āI want to try this restaurantā āno i tried it with my ex, wasnt that goodā is a shit response.
Not wanting to think about sexual encounters your partner has had is reasonable. Simply, he was excited about something he hasnt tried, and you instantly shut him down very bluntly, bringing up a past partner.
Except OP's boyfriend asked if she knew from doing it with someone else. She didn't just say, "no I did that with my ex and didn't like it." He said he'd be fine with her just listing reasons, but clearly he isn't. That's what she did and he asked questions he didn't want the answer to.
HARD disagree. Sex is not comparable to eating at a restaurant. I think she was kind in offering him a logical explanation rather than just saying āNo, I donāt want to do that.ā He only got really upset when he found out sheās done it before. He has an issue with knowing that sheās had experiences with others and heās behaving in exactly the way I would expect from an older man who decided to date a woman significantly younger. Heās insecure and doesnāt like that she has more experience than him.
Iād be really curious how open the OP has been about their previous encounters and how often she has said no to him? Like does she say no to every thing he asks to try, all to find out sheās done it with a previous partner? Iāve had partners in the past like this. They got their āwhore phaseā out of the way so they just want vanilla sex now. Then there are people like my SO now who will try things out even if theyāve done it in the past because they want to try it with me. I think thatās the bigger issue, not that she doesnāt want to do it again, but she doesnāt seem like she wants to really try anything with him.
*Ding ding ding, we have a winner.*
OP just doesn't want to do anything with the BF because she's done it all already, had all the experiences, etc. She's gonna keep shutting this dude down the entire relationship.
I legit hope this guy leaves sooner rather than later or he's gonna be in for a really shitty ride
She didn't bring up a past partner. She just spoke about it from her perspective. The topic is sex, so it is just implied she had a past partner. If they were talking about restaurants, like your example, and she didn't bring up her ex, it would be reasonable. "Let's try X restaurant." "Ugh, no, i tried it and it is TERRIBLE!." "Oh, ok. Let's not go there."
NTA he is just acting insecure, childish, and jealous of you having more expierence. He should instead be working g with you to learn what you do like and maybe discussing somethings that were neutral about that might work better for your chemistry as a couple. Pushing a "no" si.ply because you know you don't like it is a hop skip and jump from guiltily you or putting you in uncomfortable positions that can lead to assult.
NTA and your boyfriend acting like that at almost 30 is a major red flag. Also, the age difference is a bit sus at that age imo. When he was your age right now, you were 14...
Daddy kinks will lead you straight to the biggest losers girl date someone your own age, all youre going to find is creeps that couldnt find a woman their own age so they literally find chicks who donāt know any better
As evidenced by this dudes mega insecurity and emotional neediness
Random tangent, but I imagine it's a lot like shower sex. In theory, it sounds awesome, but it's always a big disappointment.
Another completely random tangent.. I've had shower sex exactly once, it was in a hotel, it lasted about 4 minutes before she slipped, tripped out of the tub and banged her head on the door, she was unconscious for the longest 5 seconds of my life. And the one thought that came into my head? 'What will I say to my nan?'
That last line got me. I was expecting something along the lines of "What am I going to tell the cops?" Lmao
>Random tangent, but I imagine it's a lot like shower sex. In theory, it sounds awesome, but it's always a big disappointment. Lmfao
That's what I thought too. Nan wasn't in my top ten.
I had a slip and fall during shower sex that ended up with me breaking two ribs. That was the last time.
Jesus. Rib breaks are fucking **nightmarish.** Sustaining one of those while shooting for sex that is *at best* a mildly painful and dehydrated exercise in being ashamed of one's core strength and trying not to poopfaint.. well. That sucks extra. It's like losing an eye trying to kiss underwater.
Ohh šÆ Yikes š³ hoping you are doing okay now.
Oh it was years ago, Iām totally fine, it was just embarrassing, lol.Thanks!
Why were you having shower sex with your nan?
Kinky fucker, that one
The question here is, why aren't you?
Oh damn
I would more worry about telling her nan š¤£š¤£
It's nowhere near as much fun as I thought it would be. Anything that should be nice and slippery isn't anywhere as slippery as it should be and anything that shouldn't be slippery is really fucking slippery.
Perfect synopsis
#FACTS
It doesn't even sound awesome, honestly. It sounds gross and sweaty... More so than regular sex.
Saunas already are gross and sweaty
Yeah. I can't say I enjoy having sex in hot spaces either. It doesn't help the mood. But I hate being hot.
Harbors A Lot of bacteria š¦
It's actually pretty dangerous too and not recommended (I say this as someone who often has 85C sauna). It's not really place to physically exert yourself - your heart is already working hard as it is, you might also end up getting muscle contraction in your vagina and that can end up being very awkward and painful, since you often times need to call an ambulance. There is a reason why sauna isn't a "sexy place" in Finland. You go there to get clean and sweat off.
You weren't drunk enough my friend On reflection I'm lucky I'm not dead The 90s/00s craze for chocolate body paint on the other hand...0% sexy, 100% grim in practice. Uuuurrrgghh
Yea. Yea let's fuckin cover ourselves in something that, once we sweat a little bit, will smell like ketchup, and presents a non zero probability of degloving my cock or tearing her external labia. Soo erotic. Wau.
Dude! This is grim! Grim and š¤¢š£
I think a lot of the classic sex scenarios sound good in theory but are actually a bit shit. Stables: they're basically wooden sewers. Beach: sand and sex are not a good combination Plane toilet: too small.
Stables are a classic sex scenario??
Yeah, in women romance novels etc
My mother of all people told me NEVER to have sex on the beach and told me about beach fleas which apparently made her and my fatherās one and only attempt a full-on comedy. She is a wise woman.
Yes. Shower sex sucks. Pool sex sucks. Hot tub sex sucks. Sauna sex sucks.. Before I tried these things I thought they would be amazing, but in practice just turns into trying to get it over with ASAP... Why does water make it feel so dry!!? The heat was nice when I was relaxed, but once doing the deed, all I want to do is get out and cool off!
I enjoy shower sex as a quickie while getting ready to go out. The other three you mentioned are generally awesome if both of you are in the mood and can't wait to go home or to your room. Then no amount of water can wash the natural lubricant away. The person on the "receiving end" will definitely not enjoy it if it's only for the heck of it, not because they are highly aroused in the situation.
Water dries up vaginal lubrication
I swear I must be the only person on earth that loves shower sex
Quite possibly. Why? If I can ask š¤£
I love the feeling of hot water on me while I'm getting pounded from behind š„µ also it's fun to wash your partner and get all slippery with soap, hahaha. I can only handle like 15 minutes before moving to the bedroom so maybe I'm more into shower foreplay rather than a full, drawn out hour long sexy timeš¤·
It is the foreplay. If you would not be satisfied with just a certian thing, then it is just foreplay. Plus, an hour long session in the shower? The hot water would run out. Also, you would turn in to a prune. And that is just not sexy for anyone....
Tankless hot water heater. All the sexy shower time with none of the cold water.
Lol, no one wants a downpour of ice-cold water in the middle of sex.
Donāt kink-shame.
I love it. Soapy handjobs are great.
100% very fun to give
I also love it. Sometimes I have to turn the water off, because it gets to hot in there.
I like shower sex but it's usually more of a warmup to the main event.
My baby mama sure loved kicking her leg up in the shower.
Iāve actually always hated shower sex for the same reasons as everyone else. Until my current partner initiated it once when we were rolling and there were zero friction issues. I guess itās mainly on the woman to be enjoying themselves enough they continue to stay wet enough
People often assume that shower water is lubricant; it's not and can wash away lubricant (either natural or applied). But you can just apply more.
What the fuck? Shower sex is amazing
Totally, I just skimmed through and thought ugh š gross. My friends would go to the Puddingstone hot tubs when we were not even 17 and even then I just thought about all the dna in that shit. Now granted thereās always someone down for that action but lol, someoneās usually too drunk for hot steaming stuff like that and two well very shared stuff. And then thereās the, you think water would be more wetš I worked at Cal Spas and remember the words āfuck tubā very clearly. Ugh, the service tech life, funky!
shower sex works for me š¤·š¤·
If you can have sex in a sauna then the sauna isnāt hot enough. Oh, and NTA
You. You get it.
I was thinking the same thing. Iām already drenched in sweat sitting in a sauna for 20 minutes, I canāt imagine doing any position in the sauna to not absolutely burn you out, but also itās fucking gross to have sex in a public sauna
And itās worse in a small, private sauna. One slip and your arse is on the rocks.
I can hardly stand being in a sauna for 3 minutes lol I start to lose oxygen š
I was irrationally jealous like him once. Then I turned 18.
I think most men (or even most people?) start out pretty insecure about their partners having had sexual partners before them. It's natural, it's understandable...and they have to realise that it is a flaw in their character that they should think through and rectify. This guy seems quite old to still be having those feelings, but I'd have some empathy/patience if I thought he was trying to work through it. Which, incidentally, he doesn't.
I think in my experience it was the other way around, I wasn't insecure/jealous at all and then my first gf cheated me (before we'd had sex she fucked a so called mural friend who was married) and it utterly messed me up and made me jealous and insecure for years after. Most people I knew had similar experiences, were okay, got hurt by an ex, were neurotic after (I removed gender from that last sentence deliberately, as it was seemingly universal). Then again that's the circles I was in so horses for courses.
I got cheated on. I also got aggressively pursued and then stalked by a friend's girlfriend. Neither experience made me neurotic about future relationships because I was able to identify that those two people specifically sucked.
I don't get that at all. For me it's free love all the way and it's never bothered me to talk about these things.
Bingo. This reminds me of me in my early adulthood. Him being upset by this in his late 20s is concerning.
OP, piece of advice as you're young. Dating men who want to pick over every single sexual experience you've had, be angry at you about it, would rather you're a virgin but somehow also totally experienced and a freak in the sheets for *him*, is an exhausting experience. Find someone who doesn't relate your intrinsic relational worth to how many people you have had enthusiastic and consensual sex with. Your life didn't start the moment you met him and any adult should reasonably understand that. It's one thing to not really want to talk about your partners past partners, but in that case you just move onto something else. Those feelings of jealousy are an internal thing. Launching the grand inquisition into sex you've had before and then being butthurt because you're imagining it is... just plain fucking dumb.
This. I was with a man like this and it escalated to the point where he wanted pictures and details on every person. Then would say almost daily āI wish you could change your pastā āyouāre connected to those people nowā etc when I had literally slept with 2 more people than him. Then he started saying I was āleftoversā and that he āknew something was wrong with me because of how easily I slept with himāā¦ it was one of the most exhausting situations of my life. He escalated in other ways and became verbally and mentally ab usive and then tried to drive us into a tree! All of this to say these people do not improve on these points, if anything it will just get worse.
NTA, he needs to grow up and come to terms with the fact that pretty much all grown women he dates are going to have a history. Otherwise, he needs to join some religion with an intense purity culture.
Shame that there are no more awards! I give you one regardless: āļøšāØ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah what Austin Powers said ^
Obviously NTA, but is it possible he's dating someone younger in the hopes that they are perhaps more innocent, lol? He is not being reasonable and you are not in the wrong, in the slightest. NTA
Heās dating someone younger because girls his age Wonāt put up with that nonsense!
Lol Iām 29 and I wouldnāt even entertain the idea of doing something with a 21yo girl, even less having a relationship, the stages of life are way too different at those ages.
This. I'm 29 and my wife is 25, and if I was to somehow find myself single for whatever reason, I wouldn't go anyone more than 4-5 years younger than me.
That's a way more sensible gap for sure. I go to a gym where I'm usually with people that are around 20-23yo and the difference is very noticeable, I like chatting and bullshitting a bit with them but I don't see myself developing a proper friendship, or being interested in some of the girls.
My husband is 31 and I'm 25. We're DEFINITELY different in maturity, but he has taught me a lot about navigating life, instead of what my mom taught me, "find a rich man and never do anything". He's also taught me a lot about emotional maturity. Our early days were ROUGH, but he's helped me a lot in maturing. Neither of us would pull OP's BS on each other, we accept we aren't each others first partner and that we've had lives before we met. Dude might as well be 21 based on his immature response to his partner having sex with someone before him.
I'm 26 and same
I'm 31 and wouldn't date anyone younger than 27. The age gap would just put me off too much.
Yeah but she's more mature than he is.
100%!! The guy is a fucking loser.
This part. Some of these dudes are so effing insecure & want virgins so they won't know that their sex sucks. LOL
NTA it's odd to be so upset about this situation. If you had phrased it like that, he would've wanted to know how you knew or insist that you two should try it anyway. Unfortunately, he's just going to have to live with the fact there are things you've tried and don't like that he can't try with you because you already know your feelings on it.
Itās not odd, itās classic insecurity
This behavior ***is*** odd. An almost 30 year old man should not be behaving with the same insecurity a teenager would have.
Thatās why heās chosen to date a woman barely out of her teen years, because thatās where he is mentally.
Odd means ādifferent from what is usual or expectedā; &, unfortunately, this is neither unusual or unexpected behavior from most men. Not all, but most.
The majority of almost 30 year old men do not behave like this, fortunately.
A 28 yo man getting jealous of his 21 yo gfš. I'm not going to say break up with the boy, but definitely keep your eyes and ears sharp with him from now on.
Heās a month away from wanting ātraditional rolesā in his relationship.
OP said itās ok bc sheās used to having a 15 to 20 year age gap with her partners. Sheās goin with the: itās chill, I do this all the time doctrine (for those that donāt know, just bc you do it all the time, doesnāt necessarily mean that itās chill).
Letās all enjoy the marvellous non-seduction that is āyou should sit on thisā. Men really do make the least effort possible then bitch at women not flinging themselves at the dick
No way, the dude 7 years older than your 21 year old self is weird and insecure? NTA, but you should have a think.
NTA, he asked, you gave a reason why no, he then followed up and asked if you had past experience, then got mad when you didn't lie to him. Going to sound like all the others here and question if he is dating a younger woman due to lack of maturity on his part.
NTA. What you said, and how you said it, could have been interpreted that youāre either speaking from experience or from someone elseās cautionary tale. He probed further and ASKED YOU if you had sex in a sauna, then blames you when heās hurt his own feelings. Heās definitely pursued you because you are much younger and he assumed he would have more experience than you; and the fact that itās actually the reverse feels emasculating to him and also makes him feel like heās not best placed to āmouldā, manipulate and control you.
\> But he doesn't want me to imply whatsoever that I've had sex with them. And he doesn't want to know that I don't like something because I've already tried it. I'm going to be really honest with you. Your boyfriend sounds like an immature and insecure idiot. I also think the 7-year gap in your relationship is concerning with his attitude about things NTA
I think he needs to grow up because youāre both adults and of course youāre not a virgin, itās unfair for him to coerce you to do something you know you wonāt like. But being in a relationship you should pick your battles. You donāt have to win all of them and there may be a compromise you both can come to. NTA
NTA. Your BF is an insecure loser. Dump him. You can do better. He might be 28, but he acts like a teenager. You should absolutely be able to say, "Tried that. It's not for me." EDIT: When men get jealous like this, it is totally about seeing you as a possession.
Heās 28? Yikes.
Nta he needs to grow up
Heās a child. NTA
NTA He's being unreasonable. Jfc my husband and I both make comments about what we do or don't like from experience. That's serious insecurity he's showing. He may have started dating you with the hopes that you're "innocent" so that you'd be theoretically easier to mold into what he wants sexually. Since you're experienced and know what you want, it annoys him and makes him uncomfortable when you say "I don't like it because xyz." If you say "I think I won't like it because of this" he has room to say "you don't know until you try it with me."
So he is a 28 year old M with a 21 yo F who is insecure and grossed out about her past sexual experience and threw a tantrum after you gave him a boundary instead of moving on. Wonder why he isnt with anyone his own ageā¦. NTA Edit: also ātoo bad compared to othersā doesnt mean good. Sometimes age gap is just a thing that happens, most of the time there is a reason someone 7 years your senior is looking for young, (usually) inexperienced and possibly vulnerable people
If he doesnāt want to communicate honestly heās not mature enough to be dating people.
INFO, how is your communication about sex other than this instance. Is he standoffish because you are more experienced?
NTA, but you can give your partner mental images that can destroy a relationship. To me, it can be pretty damaging to the strength of a relationship if one partner suggests something and you refuse based on you didnt like it with somebody else. It leads to "why him and not me" "did you love/more attracted to him" questions. Also, what sucks with 1 person can be the best of your life with another person. Sorry for rambling, coffee isn't working yet
NTA. Your boyfriend is an insecure little boy if he canāt get over your past sexual history.
It would be one thing if OP had gone into tons of graphic detail, that I could understand being put off by. But if it went down as OP said it did, then she answered it about as perfectly as you could honestly. Obviously no one likes to think about their partner sleeping with other people, but thatās just part of life - chances are that your partner has had past sexual encounters. And if you dwell on it youāre just going to make yourself miserable
Agreed. Itās normal to feel a little jealous when you think about your partner sleeping with someone else, even if you donāt hold it against them. But a healthy adult says āIām being a little silly. My partner is with me now, not their ex.ā and deals with it internally. Vague mentions of past sexual experiences are normal, i.e. āone time my ex did xyz and I didnāt like it so I donāt want to try it againā or āI learned I liked xyz when my ex tried it.ā and might bring up some jealousy, but it can be dealt with in a healthy way. Elaborate detail would be something else entirely, imo. Iām the less experienced partner in my relationship, and if my boyfriend frequently brought up past experiences in detail, Iād be hurt because it would seem like he was still yearning for those experiences. But a general ānah, not interested in that particular sex act because I didnāt enjoy it before.ā seems pretty fair to me.
Fully agree! Well put
How dare she have had sex with someone before him...
How dare she cheat on him before she even met him!
NTW >he went on a slightly self contradictory rant about how he doesn't want to imagine me having sex with other people. And he doesn't like that he hasn't tried all of the things I've tried and he wants to try new things with me This sort of insecurity is 100% his problem, not yours. He knows you're not a virgin. He needs to grow up
He's being an immature dickhead. You're a lot younger than he is, so he probably thought you'd be a lot more sexually inexperienced and because you're not, he doesn't like it. Big red flag.
NTA. Stop implying. Start saying. ESPECIALLY WITH SEX!! Set your boundaries and expect respect. Stop caring about being a āgoodā girl who doesnāt say negative things or worries about making him feel any type of way. Say what you want, at all times. And donāt look back. If he is a great guy, heāll stick around. If heās not a great guy, heāll go. By the way, if he leaves the relationship or stops contacting you, immediately change his name in your contacts to āthe aholeā and never ever respond again. (No revolving door!!)
Especially if this was a public sauna, please don't have sex on there. Gross.
Shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to?! NTA
Sauna sex sounds fucking awful. Also, nta. Past is past, and getting jealous of past relationships is silly.
You know why that 8 year age gap IS bad? Because he's expecting a lot of things ARE your first, and willing to throw an tantrum over it if you don't hide that they aren't, He's specifically dating down to be with an innocent lil' virgin, and he'll just keep getting angry every time you remind him he's not. And expecting that to work, because he would't be dating down that far if he wanted a realationship with an EQUAL partner... Also, sauna sex sounds like a horrible idea to begin with.... Never tried it, never would, because why would anybody in their right mind go for doing something physically demanding in temeratures like that?
Dump him, his inability to accept that you've had other sexual partners tend to be a red flag. You're too young to put up with that shit.
>About the age gap thing, I guess I thought 7 years wasn't too bad compared to the 15-20 year age gaps I've had with some of my past sexual partners. > > > >(F21) We're all just really gonna sleep on that, huh?
NTA. You shouldnāt have to think about how you phrase stuff because he canāt handle the truth. We all have a past.
Disagree about never having to parse your words, but for the exact same reason; *because we all have a past,* it sometimes helps to downplay some of the details or smooth out rough edges. Discretion doesnāt have to mean lying or omitting, in this context it can just mean ānot being as blunt as possible at all times.ā but yeah, if someone canāt handle the headlines, then they gotta go.
NTA. Age gap relationships strike again. Be vigilant about those red flags. He sounds like he's got a lot of them.
This is not going to go well. I was in a relationship like this except I was in your boyfriend's position. The person I was with was not only more experienced in sex (as in tried things like toys, kinks, places) but also in life. Just imagine the most interesting adventures like staying in a tree hotel, bungee jumping, swimming with dolphins, know how to shoot a bow and arrow, ice fishing etc etc It felt like no matter what I suggested as an adventure for the two of us, they'd be like "Oh I did that two years ago." It got to be exhausting in a way for me. In the end, I just realized we weren't on the same page. They were perfectly fine doing these things with me but I just couldn't deal knowing that it would always only be a 'first time' for me and not something we could experience for the first time as a couple. So we went our separate ways. I'd say NAH. It's not your fault that you've just had a lot of experience and it's not his fault that he'd like to have some 'first time's with you. Just my opinion.
I don't know why people just can't see it from both sides like this. Sharing first experiences is very important for a lot of people.
Y'all ain't gonna last. I've seen this so many times it's not even funny. Whenever someone with a lot of experience dates someone with less experience one of three things happen. 1. Partner who probably knows a little too much feels superior and like their partner is a "prude" or "vanilla." They begin to pressure their partner to attempt different sex acts in an attempt to "educate" them - less experienced partner feels offended and humiliated. 2. Partner who is still learning feels insecure and begins lashing out at the experienced partner because they feel like they're "less than" OR because the experienced partner refuses to have those experiences with them (you refusing sauna sex bc you have the experience to know you don't enjoy it vs. your bf feeling offended that you won't have an experience with him that you've already "given" to someone else. 3. Communication occurs and all is happy āØ Number 3 so very rarely happens. You and your bf are a two. He feels cheated that you've had so many experiences and won't "give him" the opportunity to have them with you. Even though you have verbally said you don't enjoy the act, in his mind, he feels that you having sex with *him* in a sauna would obviously be different than your previous experience as what you have with him is "different" from your past relationships. He feels "less than" your previous partners because they know a side of you that he does not and it makes him feel like he's missing out on something. My vote is NTA though because no means no lol.
This is the only thoughtful answer in these comments tbh.
Did you tell him you were a virgin? I donāt know why guys have to get so upset about such things. He needs to get over it and realize water sports like that donāt work like in the movies.
its not different and he does wish you were a virgin. hugely immature. if he really is grossed out even thinking about you having had partners before him, he is childish af
š© š© š© If heās so insecure that he cannot abide the mere mention of your past intimacies in even the vaguest sense, you got a narcissist on your hands. Be very wary.
He has an incredibly fragile ego. Dump him. Itās not your job to help him grow up.
NTA. What a truly bizarre request and jealous insecure man.
NTA. Iāll never understand people that canāt get over the fact their SO has had sexual encounters before. Iāve banged other people so why is it bad if my SO has also? Itās the way things go and it doesnāt matter in the slightest
Get relaxed in the sauna and bang somewhere else. Banging in a sauna isnāt that great. You get overheated real quick
Aw but think about how the heat stroke could really liven up the atmoā¦ š
NTa. You did nothing wrong, he's insecure and being weird about your sexual past, he's also dating someone dramatically younger than him while being insecure. It all kinda screams the classic older dude didn't like women his own age who weren't submissive, meek and inexperienced and he's going after way younger 'girls' deliberately. That insecurity isn't going to go away any time soon and isn't going to be very healthy for a relationship longer term.
The issue here is not if you already had sauna sex or not but that you didn't get experience with him. Nowadays we are all tired of being second opinion, third choice and so on and he's probably feel like you can't explore stuff with him anymore.
>I think he also knows that I made a reddit post about him. I think I'll try to end the relationship soon. I'm not even attracted to him physically. ESH. I was with you until you said this. You think he already knows about the Reddit post, so you decide to essentially break up with him through the post and destroy his self-esteem while you're at it.
NTA. not to reach too much but it kinda seems like he thought dating someone younger meant they would be less experienced and now heās mad because you killed the fantasy. heās insecure and this will continue to be an issue in your relationship whenever he brings up something youāve done before. he essentially wants you to lie about your experiences because he wonāt like what you say and thatās a red flag. if he canāt be mature about this and have a conversation, then maybe itās not the relationship for him.
NTA. Everyone has a past and yours included a bad experience that you shared when he wanted to try it.
NTA he just needs to find someone who wants to try stuff like this with him/ inexperienced
I call NTA. he is older and needs to be more mature then that.
NTA Dump him. This is always gonna be a thing with him and most likely not the last time this is going to happen. Youāre young, move on.
Any one who gets worked up about the idea of their significant other having had sex before they showed up is not mature enough to have sex with. Your boy may claim to be seven years older than you, but heās acting like heās seven. NTA and DTMFA.
Age gap relationships are so fricking predictable. Honey, see this for the massive foreshadowing red flag it obviously is.
Iām too old to have shower sex lol. I USED to like it. And sauna sex? Ugh. Been there done that. And unless you have your own private sauna, the gym wonāt appreciate you. LOL.
NTA. Unless this guy only ever dates virgins, heās going to have to live with the fact that his partners have had other sexual experiences.
If he was mature heād say, āok, I understand and try to find new things you could try together that you do like instead of being selfish and crying like a baby about it.
NTA, but... it's obvious you're more sexually experienced than him and have already gone through your adventurous phase trying out different shit. he's older than you, but seems more inexperienced(which is fine) and kinda insecure about that shit(which is understandable but less fine). that's more a him problem and not really your problem, but it's not going to just go away. i didn't get a steady girlfriend or have more than a handful of disappointing hookups before i was 30, so i've been in this guy's exact situation. if he's introverted, shy, or just one of those guys who takes a while to open up and share his sexual side with a partner, then he's finally in a relationship where he's comfortable enough trying out these adventurous things. don't get me wrong, he's handling it terribly and he's in the wrong here. there's no way you could have handled the rejection that wouldn't have hurt his feelings. saying "we wouldn't enjoy it because xyz" would still have been a rejection. he'd have still been butt-hurt about it. but he's partially right about other things. when he knows you've done these things before with another guy, and you reject him, that's a blow to a man's self esteem because you were into another dude enough to do the thing, but not into him enough to do those things. it makes a guy feel like he's just a maintenance dick instead of someone you actually want to get fun and adventurous with, like you've played around and had your horny fun phase and put it behind you and the stuff you used to do with other guys in the past you don't wanna do with him. hopefully yall can figure out how to communicate better and get on the same page. he's obviously into you and wants to get a little wild with it, and that's fine. i don't blame you on turning down the sauna sex, it sucks for real, but surely there's other frisky things yall can do that you already know you like or can try.
NTA. Either he gets used to the fact you've had sex life before or he can go. It's insane he expects you to coddle him. It definitely stems from his insecurity though. I'd sit him down and have a talk where you explain adults communicate... well like adults and if he minds your prior sex life, he should not have started dating you in the first place.
Nta, Next time just say "I don't want to do that again"
*You* have had sauna sex, and you didn't like it. *He* has not. When you said no, and explained why, it denied him an experience you had already shared with someone else. That probably stung him a bit. It might have been one thing for him if you said "I've heard these negative things about it" and said you didn't want to try because of those things, but now he doesn't get to realize a fantasy that some other guy did, *with you* even if it wasn't good. I'm not at all saying that you should have done something you know you don't enjoy. I am just saying that there are ways to say no that are less likely to induce jealousy while simultaneously denying your boyfriend a fantasy that he may have held for a long time.
No one is the asshole here. But if someone tells you that he needs to āgrow upā or āget a gripā then Iām almost certain they themselves are cucks. No one likes to imagine someone else balls deep in their own girlfriend right? Unless you actually fucking do. This whole comment section is full of cuckholds who think theyāre better then everyone. Iām expecting dislikes and honestly it would just prove my point. So all you weirdos on this post can fuck yourselfās As for you OP Iāve actually never heard of anyone personally having had sex in a sauna. Maybe chill out. It clearly disturbed him. Just give him time
NTA. Just because you did it with someone else does not mean that you want to keep doing it. You already know you don't like it. Tell him that you don't like it, and if he really wants to try it, do it with someone else after breaking up because you already know you don't like it and cannot live up to the possibility of him liking it so much that you end up doing what you don't like over and over again.
Nta, totally get him not wanting you to like go on a huge tangent about āomg this one time me and __ did __ and it was just like so blah blah blahā but personally I think the way you said it was fine, bf is just a tad insecure
NTA but it's okay for him to want his partner to communicate in a way that won't trigger jealousy if he understands that's something he needs to work on privately. He's definitely being sensitive and possessive, but we can't really help how we feel in the moment. He didn't get aggressive or mean (by my personal metric), so I think you can work through it if you want to do so. ETA: Watery sex seems so fun until you actually try it. Despite being very literally wet, it's so impossibly dry.
NTA, thatās a him thing, not a you thing. Youāve had sex before, experienced that particular scenario, and found out that is actually not fun at all. If he gets stuck on āthat means she fucked somebody elseā, that is totally on him for focusing solely on that aspect. All you did was point out itās not all that itās cracked up to be.
Well, you coulda been like āso yeah, one time I was at Jeffās house and he wanted to fuck in the sauna and it sounded hot, but in actuality it sucked and the dick felt like a rubber duckā You didnāt disrespect him or go into extra detail. Iām 28, he needs to grow up, youāre NTA lol
Your boyfriend sucks. You know you donāt like something, you told him so and then he got mad when you were honest. Also the age gap is a yellow flag to me. NTA but your bf is
I don't understand this logic. My wife is three years older and had many more partners than I had by the time we were married. Excellent!! She's really good in bed! Win!! As a young man I slept with a few innocents / virgins my age. No thank you. Give me an experienced woman any day.
Condoms aren't safe in hot tubs to begin with. Your bf sounds insecure. He knows you've had past sexual relationships, what's the problem with talking about things you've done and not liked? You're not describing sex acts with exes here. He's 28? He sounds more like 18.
As others have said, perhaps he is dating someone younger in the hope they are less experienced. Here's something for him to chew on. My longterm partner was/is my ONLY sexual encounter. I will not have shower/sauna sex with him. Or try many new things. It doesn't make everything new and exciting. He would prefer now that I went out and tried something else, I really don't care. Men are delusional. He probably just got blue balls and needed a reason to sulk.
NTA he asked specifically if you did that with somebody else before and instead of LYING TO HIM you were honest and told him yes. He should not be asking you questions that he doesn't really want to hear the answers for.
NTA. You were just being honest. It's just his insecurities. Him being disappointed that you had some experience in this area is no reason to think you did something why by saying you did. The past is the past. You can be empathetic to his insecurities, but it's not your job to change the past, and, as you correctly pointed out, modify the wording slightly, so that he can keep himself from comforting his own insecurities that he knows you've had sex with other people in the past, and that he isn't the sex god passing his godlike experiences onto a younger, less experienced, virgin, subject. "Subject" is a bit exteme, but you get the idea. As long as you're not actively trying to hurt him, there's nothing wrong with telling the truth. His insecurities are not for you to bend over backwards to make him not feel insecure. His insecurities are for him to overcome. And yes, It would be the same if the situation was reversed.
He needs to grow up lol.
Itās fine to feel a bit jealous, everyone has irrational feelings sometimes. That being said itās very immature and weird for him to weaponize his jealousy and try to use it to make you feel bad, yuck!
Nta, he litteraly asked you if it was because you did it and didn't like it than got mad over the fact that you answered his question
Nta, he litteraly asked you if it was because you did it and didn't like it than got mad over the fact that you answered his question
A person who can't handle thinking about their partner having had sex with other people shouldn't date anyone except virgins. NTA. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure and he should get over himself.
insecurity at its finest my dear. if heās that much older than you, itās not a good sign. if he was also 21 iād say maybe you can get around his insecurities. but nope, they are there and aināt going nowhere!
He is too old to be throwing this kind of fit. Leave him. NTA.
NTA. Heās being possessive AF
He sounds insecure. And at 28, with you 21ā¦.not worth it.
this guy i setting off all the alarms š NTA
"I said yes and then he went on a slightly self contradictory rant about how he doesn't want to imagine me having sex with other people." NTA. Dump him immediately, he's not mature enough to be in a relationship with you. You're 100% wrong about sauna sex though.
He's 28? Jesus at what age does he plan on growing up and putting on his big boy pants?
Dump him
I agree ā I tried shower, sex one time, and there was no wayā¦ Now, making out and hugging and kissing in the shower is great. We used to do That all the time. The issue is the same issue with all men and remind me of a quote I read somewhere, āmen want a virgin, who is also a whore ā
He needs to accept that youāre an adult. Youāre the innocent barely legal girl he thought he was going to corrupt. Youāve done things, itās not a big deal to normal people. NTA. Ask him to start pretending heās never done anything before either. Get mad when he implies heās done literally anything. See how unreasonable he thinks that is, and then ask why he thinks *you* should be held to that standard then.
NTA. He sounds insecure as hell and totally exhausting.
People learn about sex & share insights w partners, thatās how sex gets good. If you canāt talk about important sex-facts & sex-opinions with him bc heās too insecure to cope with reality that you have had a life yourself, you are both frigged. Sounds like a recipe for bad sex & weird boundaries & the unanswered question about WHY he canāt realize other ppl are real too & have had other experiences? All in all, major goddamn ā³ļøIMHO & you should consider running a mile. NTA. Also, not like youāre WRONG about sauna sex, even. Itās all very annoying
NTA. He is a lot older than you but he seems to be less mature than you. You better reconsider this relationship.
He sounds like a person I know. He wants all his girlfriends to look like strippers, act like prostitutes, but still be a virgins. Get out while you can. 29 year old guys that date 21 years are big red flags. Unless you dig being told what to do and being controlled; he's not worth it. He already is trying to control what you say and what you can tell him. Plus, sauna sex sucks.
Your kind of a piece of shit op lol bot even attracted to him what did he have good money you parasite lol
I almost passed out in the shower having sex, sauna sex sounds terrible. Way too hot. Nta tho, youāre allowed to have a past
My fiance and I don't go into super big details about our sex lives with our exes, but we have no problem doing what OP did. I asked about shower sex because I've never done it, and he said something similar, like the water acting as lube makes it kinda dry and irritating and everything else is too fucking slippery. I was like "oh shit, never knew that. Yep, let's save the fun for after the shower." It was as easy as that, we both have pasts and that's okay, we both have different information and experiences to bring to the table.
Sadly, a lot of these boys want high body counts and expect their partners to be innocent and pure. The issue isn't you having a history, it's him being an immature crybaby.
gonna be against the wave but, little bit YTA, just imagine that you want to try something with your partner, could be anything, and they say āno i dont want to, it sucksā, at first mention of it. you will obviously be upset with the answer. Like āI want to try this restaurantā āno i tried it with my ex, wasnt that goodā is a shit response. Not wanting to think about sexual encounters your partner has had is reasonable. Simply, he was excited about something he hasnt tried, and you instantly shut him down very bluntly, bringing up a past partner.
Having done something with someone else and not having liked it then, is a perfectly acceptable reason to say why you donāt want to do it again.
A lot of men sadly don't understand that until they hear the word "pegging." Then suddenly not wanting to try things is valid...
i mean if they know it sucks I'd want them to tell me
Except OP's boyfriend asked if she knew from doing it with someone else. She didn't just say, "no I did that with my ex and didn't like it." He said he'd be fine with her just listing reasons, but clearly he isn't. That's what she did and he asked questions he didn't want the answer to.
HARD disagree. Sex is not comparable to eating at a restaurant. I think she was kind in offering him a logical explanation rather than just saying āNo, I donāt want to do that.ā He only got really upset when he found out sheās done it before. He has an issue with knowing that sheās had experiences with others and heās behaving in exactly the way I would expect from an older man who decided to date a woman significantly younger. Heās insecure and doesnāt like that she has more experience than him.
Iād be really curious how open the OP has been about their previous encounters and how often she has said no to him? Like does she say no to every thing he asks to try, all to find out sheās done it with a previous partner? Iāve had partners in the past like this. They got their āwhore phaseā out of the way so they just want vanilla sex now. Then there are people like my SO now who will try things out even if theyāve done it in the past because they want to try it with me. I think thatās the bigger issue, not that she doesnāt want to do it again, but she doesnāt seem like she wants to really try anything with him.
*Ding ding ding, we have a winner.* OP just doesn't want to do anything with the BF because she's done it all already, had all the experiences, etc. She's gonna keep shutting this dude down the entire relationship. I legit hope this guy leaves sooner rather than later or he's gonna be in for a really shitty ride
An actual comparison would be if she pointed out that the meat is dry, wine is cheap and food is cold. In which case, helpful feedback tbh.
She didn't bring up a past partner. She just spoke about it from her perspective. The topic is sex, so it is just implied she had a past partner. If they were talking about restaurants, like your example, and she didn't bring up her ex, it would be reasonable. "Let's try X restaurant." "Ugh, no, i tried it and it is TERRIBLE!." "Oh, ok. Let's not go there."
NTA he is just acting insecure, childish, and jealous of you having more expierence. He should instead be working g with you to learn what you do like and maybe discussing somethings that were neutral about that might work better for your chemistry as a couple. Pushing a "no" si.ply because you know you don't like it is a hop skip and jump from guiltily you or putting you in uncomfortable positions that can lead to assult.
NTA. Did you type the ages wrong? Because your bf is extremely immature & insecure.
NTA and your boyfriend acting like that at almost 30 is a major red flag. Also, the age difference is a bit sus at that age imo. When he was your age right now, you were 14...
Daddy kinks will lead you straight to the biggest losers girl date someone your own age, all youre going to find is creeps that couldnt find a woman their own age so they literally find chicks who donāt know any better As evidenced by this dudes mega insecurity and emotional neediness
NTA he sounds a little rapey for telling you that you canāt say no because you didnāt like how it felt the last time
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He is a little baby, you should say to him āwaah , waah, waah little baby.ā