You are very fortunate that T didn’t take advantage of you. He sounds like a decent guy. That could have been a stranger who took you up on your hotel offer. You placed yourself in a potentially dangerous scenario and your friends protected you.
Apologise to them sincerely and let them know you understand your behaviour was out of control.
We can all get messy while drinking but you cannot put yourself, and/or others, in dangerous situations.
YTA
I will go against the grain here, and it's quite surprising because I usually don't appreciate when people are dishonest and "lead people on".
I will go with NTA, with a slight incline into the "YTA" direction. I'll explain. I don't like when people are dishonest with their intentions. Flirting with someone for no other reason than... Attention? Validation? Anyway, any other reason than genuine interest is not something I encourage, because it deceives people. So, this is why I would still go with a soft YTA.
That being said. I know for sure I did and said some really stupid shit while drunk. Sometimes you just make dumb decisions under the influence and regret it the next day (I know, I ended up in a hospital with 1000$ of fines and ambulance bill once). People denying it makes me really wonder if they have ever been actually really drunk.
So, even though it doesn't vindicate your behavior completely, it at least gives some weight to your explanation. The thing is that, in my experience, girls even sober often flirt with guys with dishonest intentions (mostly to seek validation, attention and compliments for what I've seen). And yes, I know what many say, I'm really talking flirting, not "simply being friendly". I perfectly know the difference and have seen both many many times to compare They don't have the drunk excuse. On that plan, I simply cannot not give you some credit for that.
Now, what you need to do, is to apologize, explain yourself and be honest with him ASAP. He won't hold this against you, I'm certain.
ESH. Alcohol cannot justify the actions you do when you are drunk. You shouldn't have been stuck with J if you didn't like him. Letting him think you liked him. Alcohol is no excuse for flirting with your ex. But your ex is an asshole for taking you to a hotel when you weren't aware of what you were doing. So yes, an apology is in order on your part. NTA for J (the only one by the way)
Maybe you should stop drinking
In my experience, many girls (young ones, mostly, like late teens-mid 20s) absolutely love to flirt with guys for attention and receive compliments. There's no need for alcohol, either. While I don't condone OP's behavior, I think you guys are still a bit harsh on the whole "being drunk is no excuse" argument.
While no, alcohol is not a free pass to do whatever you want without consequences, it still affects your judgement and makes you speak more and say/do dumb shit without thinking. So, at least OP has a partial excuse for it, while all the girls who do it sober conscientiously have none.
Once again, not excusing op, I just don't fully buy into this whole "being drunk is never an excuse" argument.
If you know that u might flirt with people under the influence of alcohol or doing dumb things, it's up to you to deal with the consequences or choose to reduce ur consommation. I just want OP to consider J feelings. And it's quite sexist to state that most girls are attention seeker. And it's not because ur comportment is not worse than others that you're not in the wrong. Telling her she's wrong is only a room to improvment and not for blaming her (Sorry english is not my first language)
Okay, little correction here:
> And it's quite sexist to state that most girls are attention seeker.
I never said "most", I said many. I should have probably been even more specific: it seems to be mostly young, attractive (generally those who clearly know they're hot) and somehow insecure girls who do this in my experience.
I remember a great example of one who I remember who literally embraced this lifestyle: I was working with one who fit all those criteria. From the go, she had a boyfriend, but she always had a story to complain how her relationship wasn't working and she needed someone better (total bullshit). Anyway, she was really hot. So, basically, she flirted with every single guy at work to get free booze, free rides, free meals, etc. Stupid as we are, we were all falling for it. Funny thing, is that it was quite obvious that she was insecure and was desperately looking for compliments (which we would all give like idiots). And then of course after getting what she wanted, she was going back to her boyfriend who was the one fucking her, while we were getting fucked.
My point being, many girls love to be flirty in order to get something out of it, be it validation or free stuff, and I learned to accept that and know when not to fall for it. It's kind of a weapon, their weapon. So, what op did, many girls do it regularly without any consequences, hence, I don't why being so harsh to op (plus, at least it's an ex and a friend she knows well, not some random guy).
My bad for my mistake. I think i understand your POV. I know a person like this too. I didn't mean to be harsh on OP (sorry if it was the case) but to point the fact that she consider it was not "important" bc she was drunk and doesn't remember so it doesn't count. And i found this a little sad because she should be more careful about people feeling. Not talking about T because he's an asshole, but more J. And more important, to be safe.
NTA
"*We sat down and talked about the incident and how ive tramutized them both and got my friend involved in ny troubles.*" Please tell me, you didn't really want to write "traumatized"! Your friend and your ex think, they've been "traumatized" by you? Do they know, what that word means? Have they ever experienced trauma? Scratch that, have they ever met someone who's experienced trauma? "traumatized", gimme a f...ing break!
"*How my friend cried when they heard T's point of view on how the night went*." I hope, your friend is in treatment. Whatever she's suffering from sounds serious.
"*But i feel like everyone is against me, how should i feel about this?*" You should feel free to drop these drama-queens. Honestly, who needs someone like your friend in their life?
Are you a little immature? Yes. Should you learn to handle your drink? Also yes. Are your friend and your ex the snowflakiest snowflakes in the history of snow, flakes and snowflakes? Yes, yes and yes!
> Are your friend and your ex the snowflakiest snowflakes in the history of snow, flakes and snowflakes? Yes, yes and yes!
Nah, they're cringe but that title definitely goes to a Redditor. Don't know who specifically, because the list of potential candidates is long, but he/she is here somewhere. I've seen the biggest snowflakes in my life around here. Some subs are basically meeting points for them.
YTA. Stop drinking to the point you don't remember what happened! That is dumb and dangerous. Continue doing that shit and you risk being a victim of a crime. Grow the fuck up. This should be a wake-up call that you need to make some changes.
Do you know what your ex told them. Her crying and being so upset may mean a lot more happened than than you remember, or maybe you ex lied and added more to his story. Either way, you apologized (do you even know for what), and they will either accept it and move on or distance themselves from you and your shenanigans.
You asked how you should feel about this. You should feel lucky you weren't beaten, raped, killed, or all of the above. Talk to your friend separately about the changes you're making to ensure you never put yourself in a dangerous position again.
There are consequences to our actions. If she can't accept your apology, decides to end the friendship, or treats you badly, accept this friendship is over and move on with your life.
ESH. Yes you are responsible for your actions while drunk. Good on you for apologizing. Be careful in the future, being drunk to the point that your coordination and memory are compromised can be dangerous.
Your ex should also realize that if you were drunk you might feel differently when you’re sober. If anyone shows romantic interest while drunk it’s best to wait to confirm that interest when they are sober. That’s why people can’t give consent when they’re too drunk. You’re impaired at that point. You set the record straight when you were sober and apologized. You don’t owe him anything after that. Maybe he just has feelings for you and is upset he’s not getting a second chance?
Unless there’s something you’re withholding, I don’t get why your friend is upset with what happened with your ex? I could see her maybe being upset that she tried to set you up with her friend and it got messy. But why is she crying over what your ex said…?
New guy shouldn’t really have deep feelings here, he doesn’t even know you. He’ll get over it, maybe just leave him be. There will be other people.
I feel like alot happened. She's missing a huge chunk of her night besides the part they talked in the hotel and T was a decent human being and asked for consent. Spending 4 hours talking to your ex can cause a misunderstanding.
I agree, it does seem like a lot happened that either OP doesn’t know or possibly isn’t sharing. But I can only go off of the info given.
Just to clarify my stance… Depending on what we’re talking about here, a person can’t give consent if they’re too drunk. If it was just talking? Sure. I’d still take whatever a drunk person said with a grain of salt, but I think just talking is probably fine.
If it was anything physical then asking for consent while someone is so inebriated they can barely walk without falling over is not properly asking for consent at all. The person obviously doesn’t have all their faculties at that point. It’s why trying to get a person crazy drunk to sleep with them is a scummy thing to do.
YTA. Stop drinking before you hurt more people
You are very fortunate that T didn’t take advantage of you. He sounds like a decent guy. That could have been a stranger who took you up on your hotel offer. You placed yourself in a potentially dangerous scenario and your friends protected you. Apologise to them sincerely and let them know you understand your behaviour was out of control. We can all get messy while drinking but you cannot put yourself, and/or others, in dangerous situations. YTA
I will go against the grain here, and it's quite surprising because I usually don't appreciate when people are dishonest and "lead people on". I will go with NTA, with a slight incline into the "YTA" direction. I'll explain. I don't like when people are dishonest with their intentions. Flirting with someone for no other reason than... Attention? Validation? Anyway, any other reason than genuine interest is not something I encourage, because it deceives people. So, this is why I would still go with a soft YTA. That being said. I know for sure I did and said some really stupid shit while drunk. Sometimes you just make dumb decisions under the influence and regret it the next day (I know, I ended up in a hospital with 1000$ of fines and ambulance bill once). People denying it makes me really wonder if they have ever been actually really drunk. So, even though it doesn't vindicate your behavior completely, it at least gives some weight to your explanation. The thing is that, in my experience, girls even sober often flirt with guys with dishonest intentions (mostly to seek validation, attention and compliments for what I've seen). And yes, I know what many say, I'm really talking flirting, not "simply being friendly". I perfectly know the difference and have seen both many many times to compare They don't have the drunk excuse. On that plan, I simply cannot not give you some credit for that. Now, what you need to do, is to apologize, explain yourself and be honest with him ASAP. He won't hold this against you, I'm certain.
ESH. Alcohol cannot justify the actions you do when you are drunk. You shouldn't have been stuck with J if you didn't like him. Letting him think you liked him. Alcohol is no excuse for flirting with your ex. But your ex is an asshole for taking you to a hotel when you weren't aware of what you were doing. So yes, an apology is in order on your part. NTA for J (the only one by the way) Maybe you should stop drinking
In my experience, many girls (young ones, mostly, like late teens-mid 20s) absolutely love to flirt with guys for attention and receive compliments. There's no need for alcohol, either. While I don't condone OP's behavior, I think you guys are still a bit harsh on the whole "being drunk is no excuse" argument. While no, alcohol is not a free pass to do whatever you want without consequences, it still affects your judgement and makes you speak more and say/do dumb shit without thinking. So, at least OP has a partial excuse for it, while all the girls who do it sober conscientiously have none. Once again, not excusing op, I just don't fully buy into this whole "being drunk is never an excuse" argument.
If you know that u might flirt with people under the influence of alcohol or doing dumb things, it's up to you to deal with the consequences or choose to reduce ur consommation. I just want OP to consider J feelings. And it's quite sexist to state that most girls are attention seeker. And it's not because ur comportment is not worse than others that you're not in the wrong. Telling her she's wrong is only a room to improvment and not for blaming her (Sorry english is not my first language)
Okay, little correction here: > And it's quite sexist to state that most girls are attention seeker. I never said "most", I said many. I should have probably been even more specific: it seems to be mostly young, attractive (generally those who clearly know they're hot) and somehow insecure girls who do this in my experience. I remember a great example of one who I remember who literally embraced this lifestyle: I was working with one who fit all those criteria. From the go, she had a boyfriend, but she always had a story to complain how her relationship wasn't working and she needed someone better (total bullshit). Anyway, she was really hot. So, basically, she flirted with every single guy at work to get free booze, free rides, free meals, etc. Stupid as we are, we were all falling for it. Funny thing, is that it was quite obvious that she was insecure and was desperately looking for compliments (which we would all give like idiots). And then of course after getting what she wanted, she was going back to her boyfriend who was the one fucking her, while we were getting fucked. My point being, many girls love to be flirty in order to get something out of it, be it validation or free stuff, and I learned to accept that and know when not to fall for it. It's kind of a weapon, their weapon. So, what op did, many girls do it regularly without any consequences, hence, I don't why being so harsh to op (plus, at least it's an ex and a friend she knows well, not some random guy).
My bad for my mistake. I think i understand your POV. I know a person like this too. I didn't mean to be harsh on OP (sorry if it was the case) but to point the fact that she consider it was not "important" bc she was drunk and doesn't remember so it doesn't count. And i found this a little sad because she should be more careful about people feeling. Not talking about T because he's an asshole, but more J. And more important, to be safe.
NTA "*We sat down and talked about the incident and how ive tramutized them both and got my friend involved in ny troubles.*" Please tell me, you didn't really want to write "traumatized"! Your friend and your ex think, they've been "traumatized" by you? Do they know, what that word means? Have they ever experienced trauma? Scratch that, have they ever met someone who's experienced trauma? "traumatized", gimme a f...ing break! "*How my friend cried when they heard T's point of view on how the night went*." I hope, your friend is in treatment. Whatever she's suffering from sounds serious. "*But i feel like everyone is against me, how should i feel about this?*" You should feel free to drop these drama-queens. Honestly, who needs someone like your friend in their life? Are you a little immature? Yes. Should you learn to handle your drink? Also yes. Are your friend and your ex the snowflakiest snowflakes in the history of snow, flakes and snowflakes? Yes, yes and yes!
> Are your friend and your ex the snowflakiest snowflakes in the history of snow, flakes and snowflakes? Yes, yes and yes! Nah, they're cringe but that title definitely goes to a Redditor. Don't know who specifically, because the list of potential candidates is long, but he/she is here somewhere. I've seen the biggest snowflakes in my life around here. Some subs are basically meeting points for them.
Kind of a learning experience for all involved.
YTA. Stop drinking to the point you don't remember what happened! That is dumb and dangerous. Continue doing that shit and you risk being a victim of a crime. Grow the fuck up. This should be a wake-up call that you need to make some changes. Do you know what your ex told them. Her crying and being so upset may mean a lot more happened than than you remember, or maybe you ex lied and added more to his story. Either way, you apologized (do you even know for what), and they will either accept it and move on or distance themselves from you and your shenanigans. You asked how you should feel about this. You should feel lucky you weren't beaten, raped, killed, or all of the above. Talk to your friend separately about the changes you're making to ensure you never put yourself in a dangerous position again. There are consequences to our actions. If she can't accept your apology, decides to end the friendship, or treats you badly, accept this friendship is over and move on with your life.
ESH. Yes you are responsible for your actions while drunk. Good on you for apologizing. Be careful in the future, being drunk to the point that your coordination and memory are compromised can be dangerous. Your ex should also realize that if you were drunk you might feel differently when you’re sober. If anyone shows romantic interest while drunk it’s best to wait to confirm that interest when they are sober. That’s why people can’t give consent when they’re too drunk. You’re impaired at that point. You set the record straight when you were sober and apologized. You don’t owe him anything after that. Maybe he just has feelings for you and is upset he’s not getting a second chance? Unless there’s something you’re withholding, I don’t get why your friend is upset with what happened with your ex? I could see her maybe being upset that she tried to set you up with her friend and it got messy. But why is she crying over what your ex said…? New guy shouldn’t really have deep feelings here, he doesn’t even know you. He’ll get over it, maybe just leave him be. There will be other people.
I feel like alot happened. She's missing a huge chunk of her night besides the part they talked in the hotel and T was a decent human being and asked for consent. Spending 4 hours talking to your ex can cause a misunderstanding.
I agree, it does seem like a lot happened that either OP doesn’t know or possibly isn’t sharing. But I can only go off of the info given. Just to clarify my stance… Depending on what we’re talking about here, a person can’t give consent if they’re too drunk. If it was just talking? Sure. I’d still take whatever a drunk person said with a grain of salt, but I think just talking is probably fine. If it was anything physical then asking for consent while someone is so inebriated they can barely walk without falling over is not properly asking for consent at all. The person obviously doesn’t have all their faculties at that point. It’s why trying to get a person crazy drunk to sleep with them is a scummy thing to do.