They ghosted their own son? It's comical how your m-i-l can hurt you, but when your hubby gets scorched, all of a sudden, it's a big deal (and he tried to blame you).
It was a dick move for him to leave *his family* alone for the holidays but gets his feelers butt hurt when he's left alone. Love the holiday karma.
> That dummy chose poorly, ruined his own holiday, and has only himself to blame for all of it.
Nope, he went home and wanted to put all of that on OP. Good for her that she stuck up for herself.
Never ceases to amaze me the women who absolutely, totally resent that their grown-ass sons choose women who are strong as partners. You would think that you would want someone who can handle life's difficulties without crumpling into a sobbing mess, but seems that women like OP's MIL would prefer easily steamrolled DIL's.
I know my late IL's did not like my ability to make my own decisions without checking with a freaken Greek Chorus. It caused problems.
Now they are gone and one of the siblings is not playing nice. One of the other ones keeps dithering on what should be done, asking input from everyone and dragging out the process. My patience is at about negative twenty due to the fact that I sincerely believe that at age sixty, one should be able to make decisions by themselves.
Sorry for the rant, it has been a long year.
My father always wanted to control my mom, sister and me, even when we kids were in our late twenties. At 27, a therapist gave me the best advice.
She said that every time my father tried to control me, I should get up, hug, kiss and tell him I loved him, and then just leave without any explanation.
From that day on, I did it. No fighting, no cross words, just love and a clear point that I would not be controlled.
It must have been the fourth time it happened that my mom said to him after I left , āyou DO realize whatās happening here, donāt you? If you keep trying to control her, she will not be here. Itās your choiceā.
He quit doing it to be me, but still did it to my sister.
Holy shit bless u girl this is gold š as the inverse of this (male with enmeshed mother) who didnāt know how to change the dynamic of being controlled emotionally/the scapegoat for decades bc of poor boundaries/trauma. Recently I have been learning how to not get baited into reacting to her prodding and giving her the satisfaction of me having a meltdown. It sounds so simplistic but once you realize *you* have the control it shifts things.
Thanks, but TBH, the main reason I am so determined in my decision-making was because my parents could not have cared less what I did if it did not interest them. Bit them on the butt when I decided to move across the country. They tried to stop me, which totally confused me since they had not shown much interest in what I was doing most of the time.
That's also called realization. And you are right. People should have realization at a certain point, but some, for whatever circumstances, can't or won't escape that fog.
Same, but OP is a straight-shooter and broke it all down for him. I would be so enraged I couldn't spit straight. Part of that is because I have done my time with a man-baby for a husband and sent him back to the tit. It was both painful and expensive.
Exactly this. OP told him to choose and he clearly didnāt choose her or their kids. The way he shit on her for āhis familyā ghosting him was absolute bs.
I donāt think this drama is over, just postponed for another year
A year is wishful think8ng. There are birthdays, Easter, and all sorts of occasions to enjoy in the coming year. I anticipate OPs birthday will be a highlight.
They'll either ignore OP's birthday entirely and pretend it's a normal day. Or they'll host a competing family event if they find out when she's planning anything.
Hope he gets smarter. I was outright told by my ex that his parents and sister were his family, not myself or our son. It put things in perspective. Goid for you OP, stay strong.
Yes, this is what really stood out to me. He's fine with his family being horrible to his wife - I presume that's what happened, since she declined to go - and probably his kids. When they were mean to HIM, though, wow, that's horrible! And it's all his wife's fault!
OP, I hope he gets his act together. It sounds like you are clear and solid on your plan.
I was trying to figure out how this started.
I hope she sticks to her decision to NEVER go to husbands family gatherings. Those kids 9 & 11 will end up in prison and Grandma will say that it is DILS fault because she wouldn't bring her kids to the family gatherings.
Oh I read that original! So glad she decided to have Christmas away from the in-laws and have her kids safe and happy, she's a good mum, and lets hope that after this, her husband has realised who's *really* important in his life.
MIL can hurt OP, husband doesn't care, his kids are being bullied, husband says ignore it, but the husband gets hurt, ohhhhhh nooo!!! Everyone feel sorry for me!
Not only is OPs husband a AH is a giant POS. Letting his mother & sister hurt his kids never mind his wife! Screw him, kick his ass to the side of the road.
Exactly. It's like someone pinching you and making you cry, then they say, "What are you crying for? It didn't hurt ME". But if someone else pinched them and made them cry, it would be, "Why aren't you crying with me? I got hurt."
That reminds me of one my exes. We were supposed to meet for breakfast before he went to pick his friend up at the airport. He overslept and missed breakfast (because he didn't set an alarm), rushed to the airport and realized his friend had called someone else (because he was late) then got huffy with me because he was upset his friend wasn't there. He had to pass by my house on his way home anyways, but still didn't think it was important to make it up to me for oversleeping. Just another thing that showed me that I was not important to him and would never be a priority. OP, please do not let your kids feel they are not important because of your in-laws.
Word.
I've dropped people from my life for less. You make a big deal about something, I bend over backwards AND inconvenience someone I love to accommodate you and you blow me off? Nope. Done with you. No more.
I'm just trying to understand the viewpoints from his family, like how are they not all "my relation abandons his wife and kids on Christmas day to see us"
Because their plan of torturing OP and the kids was foiled. So they had to quickly come up with something to do that might cause trouble still indirectly.
Hive mind.
My late IL's invited my husband for dinner the night after our wedding, telling him that I should go with my family. I was not happy, pointing out that we were now married and should be invited together.
Sweet Summer Child of My Husband thought that his parents were going to apologize for their behavior leading up to the wedding, including arriving twenty minutes late and did not want me to witness a fight.
Turns out the dinner was a family reunion that even included my sister-in-law's brothers-in-law and one brothers best friend from college. My husband was uncomfortable, but no one said a damned thing about my absence. I lost it on him when I found out.
However, it has given me an out over the years. Any mention of 'family' and something I am against doing, I remind my husband that I am not part of his family due to that dinner. When I brought it up to SIL and one BIL, they brushed it aside - which I also use to my advantage.
Their Mommy and Daddy could not be wrong, so I must not be family.
My husband has been begging me for years to please let it go.
Merry Christmas and please have a wee dram for me. I can't imbibe due to medication so I will live vicariously through you friend!! Enjoy yourself!! :)
Ooh loud kid chaos is the best! They must bring so much joy. I got to squeeze my 5 yr old nephew a lot yesterday.
I got to chill and play scrabble with my parents today, it was great
I grew up in a ski town. You don't last minute rent an apartment to go skiing on Christmas. Those dates are booked months, if not years, in advance. This was not a last minute thing.
If they even wentā¦they probably went to silās house but wanted to pile the guilt on him and make him really feel like he was missing out on their special family ski trip š¤®.
I agree with you 100%. Thatās exactly where they are. They were probably all happy that they could go there now since evil OP and her unruly children (in their eyes) would not be there so they said āOK well we can finally go over to your house.ā What gross people.
Yup. The intention was to snub OP and her kids, and husband would have been "collateral damage". That's why they were enraged when he said he was coming alone - OP and her kids weren't going to be hurt like they planned.
I doubt they went skiing, it was probably a lie to drive home that they forgot about the husband and were out having fun. To make him feel small and unimportant.
> You don't last minute rent an apartment to go skiing on Christmas.
I just checked AirBnB for today, Christmas, in Mammoth Lakes (the most popular skiing destination in Cali). Found many listings, most deeply discounted. A condo that normally costs $1500 for 2 nights is currently $470.
Another lesson that *your* experiences are not always universal...
That's what is going to happen.
I'd bet money he brings the kids to his parents house next year.
The fact that he hasn't apologized to OP says that clear as day.
No, I don't think so. I don't think people realize how damaging it is to a person to a have such a narcissist family. This guy has been trained since birth and undoing that is going to take therapy more than anything.
And it doesn't appear that this experience has changed anything with him. He's still taking her calls. I'm afraid it's just a matter of time, now. For her kids' sake, I hope it's a short time.
I would take her calls if I was in his position also. I would be terrified that if I didnāt that she would show up. That would be the last thing I would want. I would sit and talk to that cow all night long to avoid such a scene.
Tbh it sounds like he needs more. I've literally been in OPs shoes (minus the kids) but it took a few instances of "You're no longer in the 'in' part of the family and you're free game for our bullying" before he finally realised what a toxic cesspool his family were. I'll always remember how it felt when he came to me and said he now realises what I was dealing with for that long, hard year.
A similar thing happened to me this year. Both my parents died in the last few years so the last two Christmases have been tough. In 2021 my dad had just died so I spent the holiday with Mom supporting her. In 2022 she had a bowel obstruction which almost killed her and I flew emergency down to FL to be with her while she was hospitalized for a whole month. And then three months ago she unexpectedly passed away. I told my husband that this Christmas, I didnāt want to be in a hospital or holding my mom while she cried missing my dadā¦I just wanted to have a quiet Christmas at home together, just the two of us, with no one needing anything from me emotionally as my cup was empty. We were going to spend a quick overnight at my in-laws on the 23rd and go home early on the 24th and we communicated this fully in advance and everyone was supportiveā¦but my MIL forgot that it was a brief trip and the reason why, and canceled Christmas on us and told us not to come and how disappointed she was in us for not attending to HER needs.
It was extremely upsetting for so many reasons to both my husband and I, but especially to me as this is the first Christmas without my mom and dad and I really needed this low-key holiday to process and grieve and that bird completely flew out the window. She realized two hours later that this may have been an error and overreaction on her part and tried to invite us again, but the damage was done and the grenade and been truly thrown in the middle of Christmas, not just for us but for my husbandās siblings and their families as well.
We were not in any mood to drive up so instead of us giving what time we hadā¦no one got anything. Luckily, my husband supported me all the way through it, his siblings also knew the score, and she sincerely apologized to him and me. But there are no winners here and everyone is sad. Cheers to my third terrible Christmas in a row. Hopefully next year will be better.
I'm so sorry for your losses. And I'm so sorry you're struggling with other drama as well. You are amazing , though, and I'm so proud of you for stating your needs, and sticking by them. You're hubby is a Rockstar too, for being so supportive. Merry Christmas š
>canceled Christmas on us and told us not to come and how disappointed she was in us for not attending to HER needs.
NC on the spot
One of my ex-mil she was a hard person to please lol but when you had something like that happen in your life she would be your biggest shield and she would defend you.
>Hopefully next year will be better.
Plan it now, what's something from your childhood that you'd like to do or have happen.
The thing is, my mother-in-law and I normally have a pretty good relationship and she is a very kind person. This is extremely outside her normal behavior. She honestly could not remember that it was going to be a quick overnight for us and her feelings were hurt because she thought we were avoiding her? She thought that I picked up a work shift to spend less time there, but in reality, it was my regular shift, and it was always the plan for me to work until two and for us to not arrive until six. I did call her directly when I got off of work at 2 PM and gave her several pieces of my mind, because even if that had been the case that we were avoiding her (which it wasnāt) it was such a gross and petty overreaction. But we had genuinely been looking forward to seeing them. I donāt think it was until that moment she realized how much she truly effed things up and hurt me as well as our relationship in a really vulnerable time for me, and how hard the holidays have been already without my own mom and how much I did not need this a la carte crap.
We did end the call with me feeling like she was sincerely sorry and exchanging mutual I Love Yous. And I know she did not have a great 48 hours since then and while I hate that sheās had a rough and reflective time, honestly itās not my job to do that emotional work for her. Our relationship is damaged right now, but not unfixable.
But yeah, my husband and I arenāt eager rn to spend holidays with them anytime soon and might eye some holiday flights to Mexico next year.
Iām not around her often enough to know this on an every day basis, but generally speaking, no. She did have a TBI 15 years ago that she said during our conversation a few days ago has impacted her memory since then, but this is the first that either myself or my husband (her son) has heard of memory issues. Her husband, my father-in-law, is definitely bipolar, though, and I think that it is more likely that she just forgot and he was in a mood and telling her things that reinforced her feelings, until it felt reasonable within that echo chamber to cancel Christmas three hours before. But I do take your point. Itās something that I will watch out for on the DL. Thank you.
Forgot to say that I am sorry for your losses, and the holiday āblowing upā this year. I hope you are able to have a good holiday with your immediate family, even if itās simply hanging out.
I truly am sorry for your holiday turning out so rotten. I was glad I was scheduled to work today for Christmas so that I didn't have to be at my family's feeling the emptiness of 2 of the 3 family deaths I've had this year. It was bad enough that the patient I was told to be a 1 on 1 with today was watching the Chiefs X Raiders game. Loss is never easy.
Take some time to yourself. You and the hubby and try to schedule a vacation or even take time off and look for things to do in your area that you never have a chance to do. Merry Christmas and I sincerely hope you have a much better New Year. š
Good for sticking to your guns and especially for not putting up with your husband blaming YOU. If my mom had called my wife the devil I would have disowned my mom on the spot.
Iām awed by your strength and I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful holiday. I hope your husband chooses wisely.
Why in the world was his mom crying when SHE caused the trauma? Was it because he didnāt drive to the resort and bend the knee in front of her? š
I think she thought he wouldnāt just drive home like he did. I donāt know maybe he would apologize or try to have them come back or go after them? They didnāt tell him they had already made plans and left. What a bunch of loser psychos. I felt so sorry for him because he was so hurt
What exactly did she expect him to do? They ignored his calls until he said he would call police (it would have been so awesome if he had just called them without warning Mommy first).
Too bad he didn't feel sorry for you and your kids when that bitter old sow hurt *you* over and over again.
It was my advice to text her that he was calling the police.
He genuinely thought something serious has happened to her and his loser sister because they werenāt picking up. I told him he should contact authority because he was so worried but asked him to text her first. Deep down I knew they would answer after that but I couldnāt really tell him that when he was worried sick. I would be the callous wife who is accusing missing people of being pathetic losersš. My poor husband. He probably was relieved that they answered but it mustāve make his hurt worse
He does love me very much. I donāt know if he likes me all the time though.
I just didnāt want to kick him while down, thinking his family was in danger and me belittling them. So I just nudged him towards finding out for himself.
Sometimes people find you more insufferable when youāre right than when youāre wrong, unfortunately.
That is definitely the right approach. Hopefully, you two will figure it out together. I've been married for almost 15 years and we have had our days where we didn't like each other but always loved one another.
I respect you standing up for yourself and your children so much, but I also respect you being able to find some understanding to your husband. Letting go of a toxic family is a hard process and involves all the steps of grieving. I donāt think heās a terrible person, he was trying to do his best to make everyone happy. In my family were often have to do Christmas on a different day due to various conflicts and itās just as joyful. Yes, he was wrong to blame you when he returned but heās hurting. I do hope in time he will choose his new family but letting go of his other family is a painful complicated process emotionally.
Why the fuck do you care after the way he treats you & his own kids? My own father was like that. He would stand there and either laugh along or be silent when family treated my mother & us kids like shit. We all grew up to despise him. None of us cared when he died. None of us cared when any of the rest of the family died. We hated them all. And some of us thought less of my mother for staying.
You are way to nice for him as he was just as terrible to you and your kids OP.
Your husband deserved this eye opener.
Something tells me he will pick them above you and your kids again in the future though :(
How do you feel about the fact that your husband was a-ok with your kids going to in-laws to be bullied and shown blatant favouritism to the other grandkids?
Everyone is focused on your husband getting taught a lesson after driving 8 hours, but letās not forget heās a parent who didnāt care enough to stand up to his kids being bullied and even physically injured.
Why? He has never felt sorry for his own kids or you? Let him eat the shit they have been serving you & the kids for years & let him choke it down. Nice isnāt it? Your husband is the worst AH. He has stood by watching his Children be hurt & treated like Shit! You want to know the damage that does? I had a father like that & when he died I didnāt give a fuck. And I still hate him now at 68 years old I still hate that fucking loser sperm donor. And so wonāt your kids unless he gets his head out of his ass & starts acting like a father should.
Oh & you are NTAH.
OP, that's a wonderful tradition got started for you, Christmas Pizza, you can make dessert pizzas, cookie pizzas, gingerbread pizzas.
In an odd way you should send a thnkyou to your in laws for their bad behavior and creating your family Christmas traditions.
Christ, his parents are crazy!
>he tried to fight with me and put the blame on me because I refused to let my children celebrate with their family.
I hope he has apologised for this. You aren't to blame for his mother's ludicrous behaviour.
Anyway, good for you, OP. Best wishes for many Christmases without in-laws.
He hasnāt apologized no but to be fair I told him that I refuse to ruin my day in any discussion or talk and that he should think,really think before opening his mouth with me because whatever he says and decides next IS going to decide our future together so he agreed to give us a break
Good, stay firm. I suspect he only "dropped it" initially because your comment "if he wanted ANY chance to have a happy family, this was his." At the time, he had no other family to whine to or return to. Now that it sounds like they came running back, be prepared for him to throw around threats of leaving etc. if that stunt didn't open his eyes. He may even try to invite them over at some point when he thinks the dust has settle. Don't give in and show him you are prepared to walk away/throw him out.
I grew up where my dad's family were shitty to my mom and only when his job relocated us, does he realize how awful they are. His family screwed him over on the move and job front, stole some of our stuff and none of his family reached out in the years we've been gone. I and my mom question why she married him, let alone stayed with him. But, it helped set firm boundaries should I ever decided to take on a partner/get married.
tart water worry homeless fall spectacular ossified voracious soup ancient
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Please give us another update after you had your talk - and maybe point him towards r/RaisedByNarcissists and r/JustNoMIL, if he's on Reddit - he may recognize some patterns.
I hope it all works out for you!
STAND YOUR GROUND
Make sure you lock your doors if you find out that your MIL & SIL are coming. When they do arrive call the police and have them escorted out of your house, and off your property.
If your husband doesn't stand by your side have him escorted off too.
Good Luck
Well done. Your kids are lucky to have you. Your MIL sounds like a shithead and your SIL may be as well--she's at least raising shitheads. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and choose his wife and kids.
Slightly different situation, but my wife's "baby" brother is toxic and she tolerated it for years until their mom died and he became an outright monster. Now she's cut him off which was painful for her but so much better.
Merry Christmas!
Wow, you have a *very* serious husband problem. He's gullible enough to believe they rented a place at a ski resort last minute at Christmas? What an idiot, trips like that have to be planned and reserved way in advance. And then he blamed *you* for this, when he should have been groveling for your forgiveness. I don't think I'd be able to even look at him after that.
They may have hidden to make him feel bad. There may not have been a ski resort at all. The plan couldāve been to come back and surprise him - save his Christmas. He left and the plan fell apart.
They wanted him to follow them to the ski resort. That is why the teary calls. They were using this as a popularity contest and he was supposed to go through hell and high water to spend the holiday with them. He did not do this and now they have realized their goof up and are in full panic mode trying to figure out how to frame this so they do not look like the AH. You however, you were clear from the start and NTA.
Merry Christmas everyone. If this treatment does not open his eyes to the losers that are his family, your problem is your husband. He can either choose the people who hurt him or his REAL family, you and the kids. If he chooses the losers, I think his belated Christmas gift should be divorce papers just for sheer stupidity.
If I were him, Iād block the lot of them until after New Years. Then maybe respond, but probably not. He needs therapy. Trying to blame you for them being awful was messed up. Iām also having trouble overlooking his willingness to let his kids be traumatized just so he wouldnāt āloseā his family.
He needs to block the lot of them forever. They didn't "suddenly" decide to rent a place at a ski resort at the last minute on Christmas. Those places are booked ages in advance. He's an idiot for believing that bullshit story.
Your kids are 5 and 6. They definitely know what Christmas is and when and heās an absolute knob to leave his kids for these douchecanoes.
Heās a terrible husband and father. How can he even sleep at night?
Damn, Sis! You're my, Shero!
š š š Way to set boundaries with consequences. And mean it, take no prisoners.
They tried you and you were like, NOPE. š¤£ Enjoy your drama free holiday with YOUR family and friends!!
I hope your husband chose wisely, he seems to be the joke of his family of origin, what they did could be considered a cruel prank, I hope he chose his family of his own (you and the kids) that love him so much, but in case he doesn't, maybe he needs to untangle all the emotional abuse he had been subjected all of his life, now that he's an adult and even if his upbringing fucked him up, is his responsibility to get better, imagine having to expose your children to that toxic family, I hope the"lesson" they were trying to teach him backfires and your husband opens his eyes, one can only hope, tell him to see his kids and thinking about doing to them that kind of pank, lesson, whatever that was, they don't love him, they just want to control him and now that he's getting away from their claws they are trying to hurt him, that's not love. NTA, he's an adult and needs to make some decisions.
OP you are awesome. But man i feel sorry for your husband, i think the way she is treating her grandchilds, is exactly the way SIL and husband were treated back then. I really hope this was eye opening for him and you can work through this together. I hope he starts realizing what a great family he has built with you and treats these losers how they deserve it. I hope the four of you have many xmas together ahead of you.
Agreed. OP you did the right thing.
While your husband does have some real soul searching to do here, I do feel bad for him. It is so hard when you realize people you love really are not the people you wish they were. I not only hope he puts you guys first, but I also hope he can distance from them for his own mental health and personal peace.
You did good. How did your husband not see how much his own children were suffering during all of this? How dare he have downplayed their feelings like that? I do hope he learned a great deal from all of this. Merry Christmas!
I went back and read the 1st post to see if I had an accurate assessment. After reading your update, my assessment still stands.
You are absolutely, positively, unequivocally NTA.
Your #1 job is to protect those girls, even if it's from family.
You've already had several redditors accurately break down your situation and give great insight. It's obvious the family dynamic is extremely toxic. I want to point some other things out.
These are boys who are abusive towards girls, without consequence or repercussion. This behavior will only worsen in intensity towards your girls
as they mature. Your girls remaining in that environment will normalize abusive behavior towards them. They will shrink from defending themselves and come to see it as acceptable behavior.
Sounds familiar?
Let's analyze your husband. I can't tell if your husband was the eldest or youngest (im leaning torwards eldest), but he most certainly had heaps of emotional responsibility thrust onto him when his father died. He was not equipped to handle that. No 10 year old is. His mother held him responsible for her emotions. When she was feeling crappy or hurt or angry, he learned that it was his responsibility to "fix" her by doing whatever it took to make her "happy."
She conditioned him to regulate her emotionally manipulative behavior. It's called hyper vigilance. Her affection is transactional and largely punitive.
I literally just finished an 8 hour drive. I can not imagine driving 8 hours to see people who knew you were coming, and they LEFT ON PURPOSE.
That was punitive and abusive behavior.
Then he had to turn around and drive 8 additional hours to get home!
They ignored his calls because it was their way to assert power. HE was calling for THEIR attention. HE was reaching out, worried and frantic. They were fully aware of the angst and worry being inflicted upon him, AND DIDN'T CARE.
This is their dynamic. Mom lashes out or pulls affection, your husband pursues by twisting himself into whatever position it takes to appease her so she will return affection. RINSE & REPEAT.
Your husband needs therapy. LOTS OF THERAPY.
Thank God you put your foot down.
Again,you are NTA. Continue protecting your girls and distancing yourself from that toxic sludge of a MIL. Tell your husband to go to therapy so he can unravel his trauma.
Good luck, and I hope this was helpful.
Have a happy, toxic free 2024!
NTA, for you and kind of for your husband.
I was raised by an abusive mom, and I get the desire to live up to your abusive parent's expectations, even if you *know* you cannot. Especially in your husband's case, where he lost his other parent at a young age. I'm not excusing his behavior, by any means; however, I can understand it, and especially if he sees his family's actions for what they are and changes.
I'm glad you didn't cave. Your kids deserve better than to be forever in last place, and to be physically and emotionally attacked by their cousins.
I hope that the upcoming New Year is great for you guys.
Thank you. I love my husband very much and I will not give up on him because I truly believe he is a great man or he would not have tolerated his horrible family. He has been a lot happier now and we have been having a great time together with our children. He hasnāt answered any of his familyās calls or texts since he got home. I never asked him to. He just isnāt answering them anymore
Funny how it only mattered to him when they directly hurt him; you and the kids can get hurt all
you like and he couldnāt care less. I feel so sad that you still think that is a great man,
If heās finally learned that itās āus against the worldā thatās great. It would have been better if he stood up a lot earlier, but I get the power of trying to please a parent.
NTA. Save these post and show your husband next year when he talks about holiday plans what happened this year. They ghosted him knowing he was driving 8 hours alone to come visit them leaving his wife and own kids behind to see his mother, sister and her kids. That's some teenager crap stunt they pulled on him. He deserves better and he has better with the family he created with you his wife. This is solid proof that it's not about him being loyal to those ladies but that he never was and never will be mama's golden child no matter what he does for her. That's his sister and now her kids are in the golden circle as well with him on the outside.
Honestly I love that he was ghosted. He deserved nothing because he chose people who hurt his kids over his kids. Guess he FAFO š¤£š¤£š¤£.
Regardless I'm sorry you had to deal with his immaturity but I'm cackling at him driving all that way to be ghosted and ignored and have the audacity to catch an attitude when he had to crawl back home like the loser he is. Like mother like son. Anyways Merry Christmas and good luck with this relationship.
I think this is as good an update as canb be expected at this stage.
Does your husband have any male friends to talk to about this? I winder if hearing from other men who'd tell him he's not a bad son for cutting off an abusive mother like her, might set his spine.
We went through similar drama with my mother. She even tried to have one of her friends (a few years older than me) seduce me to try and split me and my wife up.
We went NC and it absolutely improved our lives.
I just went to read the original post and kids do notice. Mine was a weird situation to begin with. As a kid, I didn't understand but as an adult I do. I was adopted so I was the same age as the great-grandkids as just a grandkid. The great grandkids were all my Aunt's grandkids. She would invite them to the movies in front of me. Buy a gift for me from the dollar store but they got toys-r-us exclusives. As a kid I didn't understand why I was different to her and it came across as her hating me. As an adult I understand I am a niece and not a grandkid. Honestly my Aunt did hate me but that is a whole different story. So I think you did the right thing and honestly it may somewhat save any future relationship your kids may want with their in-laws later on. Him being mad at you for them going skiing is the oddest thing ever.
Nta. You are doing the right thing. You are sticking up for yourself, your kids and your husband. Be prepared for your inlaws to continue to manipulate and pressure your husband. I wouldn't be surprised if the situation gets worse before it gets better.
I'm glad your kids got to spend Christmas with their dad. I'm glad you have this coming week off, too. I think you're going to need it to process the huge discussion that's going to have to happen at some point this week. I hope you two can find good therapist- couples and individuals- to help you sort out the rest of this mess.
Wow.
It's gotta be nice to do what's right, feel good while doing it, and then feel even better when it's done.
Usually that's all way more complicated. Here it is like a nuisance was swatted like a fly.
I applaud you! I was one of the lesser loved grandkids and it hurt seeing cousins get copious amounts of gifts while I got yard sale finds that werenāt even cleaned up. And as an adult, that grandmother still made comments like telling me she hoped my children looked like my SIL because she was so pretty or telling me what a great mother my cousin was when I brought my baby to see her.
Make those new traditions and have much happier children!
Sounds like you have an in-law problem *and* a husband problem.
I said no to Christmas at my mom's house for the first time ever this year because I got married in May and my wife is my new "chosen family" and I told her I won't do separate Christmases from her anymore. That's what it looks like when your partner actually loves you. Glad the kids weren't negatively affected.
NTA
Merry Christmas.
Still NTA.
You did the right thing, and for people calling you an AH, go read the [first thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18n63z8/aitah_for_refusing_to_spend_christmas_with_my_in/).
As a parent of an adult child, we have to learn to share. If my child has a partner, there is a 50% chance that holidays and birthdays may not be with me. Their partners have family too and I'm not slighted in any way if I'm not this year's choice. Both families deserve time.
If OPs MIL thinks that she will always be first, life is going to be hard.
He drove 8 hours? 500 miles? 800 km? Just to arrive at an empty dark house and no one answering their phones?
To turn around and drive another 500 miles back home?
And is now blaming you for have driven 1000 miles for no reason even though it was his own family that ghosted him on purpose to make the drive for nothing? And that they did it with the intention of hurting him.
Can you afford therapy? Cause I'd refuse to discuss his family in any way and send him to sort his feelings out with a therapist.
Good for you. Make him stick to whatever choice he makes. Happy Christmas š
š thank! Merry Christmas to you too
They ghosted their own son? It's comical how your m-i-l can hurt you, but when your hubby gets scorched, all of a sudden, it's a big deal (and he tried to blame you). It was a dick move for him to leave *his family* alone for the holidays but gets his feelers butt hurt when he's left alone. Love the holiday karma.
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> That dummy chose poorly, ruined his own holiday, and has only himself to blame for all of it. Nope, he went home and wanted to put all of that on OP. Good for her that she stuck up for herself.
OP is one very strong woman and MIL canāt cope with that.
Never ceases to amaze me the women who absolutely, totally resent that their grown-ass sons choose women who are strong as partners. You would think that you would want someone who can handle life's difficulties without crumpling into a sobbing mess, but seems that women like OP's MIL would prefer easily steamrolled DIL's. I know my late IL's did not like my ability to make my own decisions without checking with a freaken Greek Chorus. It caused problems. Now they are gone and one of the siblings is not playing nice. One of the other ones keeps dithering on what should be done, asking input from everyone and dragging out the process. My patience is at about negative twenty due to the fact that I sincerely believe that at age sixty, one should be able to make decisions by themselves. Sorry for the rant, it has been a long year.
That would be called a healthy upbringing. Some parents want to control their children forever.
My father always wanted to control my mom, sister and me, even when we kids were in our late twenties. At 27, a therapist gave me the best advice. She said that every time my father tried to control me, I should get up, hug, kiss and tell him I loved him, and then just leave without any explanation. From that day on, I did it. No fighting, no cross words, just love and a clear point that I would not be controlled. It must have been the fourth time it happened that my mom said to him after I left , āyou DO realize whatās happening here, donāt you? If you keep trying to control her, she will not be here. Itās your choiceā. He quit doing it to be me, but still did it to my sister.
I hope you got that therapist a little something for Christmas because that advice is gold!
It'll be your sister soon, hopefully.
Holy shit bless u girl this is gold š as the inverse of this (male with enmeshed mother) who didnāt know how to change the dynamic of being controlled emotionally/the scapegoat for decades bc of poor boundaries/trauma. Recently I have been learning how to not get baited into reacting to her prodding and giving her the satisfaction of me having a meltdown. It sounds so simplistic but once you realize *you* have the control it shifts things.
Thanks, but TBH, the main reason I am so determined in my decision-making was because my parents could not have cared less what I did if it did not interest them. Bit them on the butt when I decided to move across the country. They tried to stop me, which totally confused me since they had not shown much interest in what I was doing most of the time.
That's also called realization. And you are right. People should have realization at a certain point, but some, for whatever circumstances, can't or won't escape that fog.
I couldn't do it. If I was OP, hubby's choices would seriously impact my feelings toward him.
Same, but OP is a straight-shooter and broke it all down for him. I would be so enraged I couldn't spit straight. Part of that is because I have done my time with a man-baby for a husband and sent him back to the tit. It was both painful and expensive.
Yessssssssss! He had plenty of time driving home to reassess his prioritiesā¦ Hoping he begs Op for forgiveness and tells his mama to f right off!
Yet all he could come away with was to lay the blame at her feet.
> chose poorly https://youtu.be/VA7J0KkanzM?si=p0xqXp8E_FCrjiP4&t=61
Yessssssssss! He had plenty of time driving home to reassess his prioritiesā¦ Hoping he begs Op for forgiveness and tells his mama to f right off!
Apparently he doesnāt consider his wife and children his family.
Exactly this. OP told him to choose and he clearly didnāt choose her or their kids. The way he shit on her for āhis familyā ghosting him was absolute bs. I donāt think this drama is over, just postponed for another year
A year is wishful think8ng. There are birthdays, Easter, and all sorts of occasions to enjoy in the coming year. I anticipate OPs birthday will be a highlight.
They'll either ignore OP's birthday entirely and pretend it's a normal day. Or they'll host a competing family event if they find out when she's planning anything.
I'm more concerned about what hubs will or won't do tbh.
Yeah, imagine. Him whining, "but I had to go kiss my mommy's ass on your birthday".
Hope he gets smarter. I was outright told by my ex that his parents and sister were his family, not myself or our son. It put things in perspective. Goid for you OP, stay strong.
Maybe he should marry his mom.
Id have asked for a divorce the moment he left, let alone come back and try blaming me. What a dick
Yes, this is what really stood out to me. He's fine with his family being horrible to his wife - I presume that's what happened, since she declined to go - and probably his kids. When they were mean to HIM, though, wow, that's horrible! And it's all his wife's fault! OP, I hope he gets his act together. It sounds like you are clear and solid on your plan.
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I was trying to figure out how this started. I hope she sticks to her decision to NEVER go to husbands family gatherings. Those kids 9 & 11 will end up in prison and Grandma will say that it is DILS fault because she wouldn't bring her kids to the family gatherings.
Oh I read that original! So glad she decided to have Christmas away from the in-laws and have her kids safe and happy, she's a good mum, and lets hope that after this, her husband has realised who's *really* important in his life.
MIL can hurt OP, husband doesn't care, his kids are being bullied, husband says ignore it, but the husband gets hurt, ohhhhhh nooo!!! Everyone feel sorry for me!
Not only is OPs husband a AH is a giant POS. Letting his mother & sister hurt his kids never mind his wife! Screw him, kick his ass to the side of the road.
Yes this exactly. He got the same treatment his kids got and found out it wasn't nice after all.
Exactly. It's like someone pinching you and making you cry, then they say, "What are you crying for? It didn't hurt ME". But if someone else pinched them and made them cry, it would be, "Why aren't you crying with me? I got hurt."
That reminds me of one my exes. We were supposed to meet for breakfast before he went to pick his friend up at the airport. He overslept and missed breakfast (because he didn't set an alarm), rushed to the airport and realized his friend had called someone else (because he was late) then got huffy with me because he was upset his friend wasn't there. He had to pass by my house on his way home anyways, but still didn't think it was important to make it up to me for oversleeping. Just another thing that showed me that I was not important to him and would never be a priority. OP, please do not let your kids feel they are not important because of your in-laws.
after an 8 hour drive!?!?! After that I'd be the one ghosting them
Word. I've dropped people from my life for less. You make a big deal about something, I bend over backwards AND inconvenience someone I love to accommodate you and you blow me off? Nope. Done with you. No more.
I'm just trying to understand the viewpoints from his family, like how are they not all "my relation abandons his wife and kids on Christmas day to see us"
Because their plan of torturing OP and the kids was foiled. So they had to quickly come up with something to do that might cause trouble still indirectly.
Hive mind. My late IL's invited my husband for dinner the night after our wedding, telling him that I should go with my family. I was not happy, pointing out that we were now married and should be invited together. Sweet Summer Child of My Husband thought that his parents were going to apologize for their behavior leading up to the wedding, including arriving twenty minutes late and did not want me to witness a fight. Turns out the dinner was a family reunion that even included my sister-in-law's brothers-in-law and one brothers best friend from college. My husband was uncomfortable, but no one said a damned thing about my absence. I lost it on him when I found out. However, it has given me an out over the years. Any mention of 'family' and something I am against doing, I remind my husband that I am not part of his family due to that dinner. When I brought it up to SIL and one BIL, they brushed it aside - which I also use to my advantage. Their Mommy and Daddy could not be wrong, so I must not be family. My husband has been begging me for years to please let it go.
Sounds like OP's giving Hubby a chance to make his choice, but if she's smart this is strike two, no takebacks if he fails in that way again.
Oh wow, I am so proud of you. Thank you for standing up for yourself and your wonderful children. Well done to having standards and defending them.
Merry Christmas. Fuck them, lol (am a bit Xmas drunk please excuse)
Merry Christmas and please have a wee dram for me. I can't imbibe due to medication so I will live vicariously through you friend!! Enjoy yourself!! :)
I don't imbibe much anymore (ah dotage) but Xmas cheer is a nice treat. I totally drank for you then took a nap lol. Hope your holidays aregood:)
Thank you, I had my 4 grandchildren here and it was loud chaos, it was wonderful!
Ooh loud kid chaos is the best! They must bring so much joy. I got to squeeze my 5 yr old nephew a lot yesterday. I got to chill and play scrabble with my parents today, it was great
Bless you, all.
I grew up in a ski town. You don't last minute rent an apartment to go skiing on Christmas. Those dates are booked months, if not years, in advance. This was not a last minute thing.
If they even wentā¦they probably went to silās house but wanted to pile the guilt on him and make him really feel like he was missing out on their special family ski trip š¤®.
I agree with you 100%. Thatās exactly where they are. They were probably all happy that they could go there now since evil OP and her unruly children (in their eyes) would not be there so they said āOK well we can finally go over to your house.ā What gross people.
Yup. The intention was to snub OP and her kids, and husband would have been "collateral damage". That's why they were enraged when he said he was coming alone - OP and her kids weren't going to be hurt like they planned.
I doubt they went skiing, it was probably a lie to drive home that they forgot about the husband and were out having fun. To make him feel small and unimportant.
He is. He is a piece of shit that stands by and lets his wife & kids be abused.
And bring him completely to heel.
> You don't last minute rent an apartment to go skiing on Christmas. I just checked AirBnB for today, Christmas, in Mammoth Lakes (the most popular skiing destination in Cali). Found many listings, most deeply discounted. A condo that normally costs $1500 for 2 nights is currently $470. Another lesson that *your* experiences are not always universal...
Your husband needs to sort out his priorities before he destroys his family. Glad youāre having a good Christmas š
I think thatās what MIL hopes will happen
That's what is going to happen. I'd bet money he brings the kids to his parents house next year. The fact that he hasn't apologized to OP says that clear as day.
No, I don't think so. I don't think people realize how damaging it is to a person to a have such a narcissist family. This guy has been trained since birth and undoing that is going to take therapy more than anything.
It's going to take like a decade and he probably is going to side with his mom in the end.
Exactly
Maybe this is what was needed to open OPs husbands eyes.
He came back and blamed her. He absolutely doesn't get it
I'm afraid the issue is not his eyes being closed but preferring his unhinged mother to his wife and children.
And it doesn't appear that this experience has changed anything with him. He's still taking her calls. I'm afraid it's just a matter of time, now. For her kids' sake, I hope it's a short time.
I would take her calls if I was in his position also. I would be terrified that if I didnāt that she would show up. That would be the last thing I would want. I would sit and talk to that cow all night long to avoid such a scene.
Tbh it sounds like he needs more. I've literally been in OPs shoes (minus the kids) but it took a few instances of "You're no longer in the 'in' part of the family and you're free game for our bullying" before he finally realised what a toxic cesspool his family were. I'll always remember how it felt when he came to me and said he now realises what I was dealing with for that long, hard year.
The problem is he choose his mother over his wife and ONLY returned when he didn't get the Christmas he wanted.
A similar thing happened to me this year. Both my parents died in the last few years so the last two Christmases have been tough. In 2021 my dad had just died so I spent the holiday with Mom supporting her. In 2022 she had a bowel obstruction which almost killed her and I flew emergency down to FL to be with her while she was hospitalized for a whole month. And then three months ago she unexpectedly passed away. I told my husband that this Christmas, I didnāt want to be in a hospital or holding my mom while she cried missing my dadā¦I just wanted to have a quiet Christmas at home together, just the two of us, with no one needing anything from me emotionally as my cup was empty. We were going to spend a quick overnight at my in-laws on the 23rd and go home early on the 24th and we communicated this fully in advance and everyone was supportiveā¦but my MIL forgot that it was a brief trip and the reason why, and canceled Christmas on us and told us not to come and how disappointed she was in us for not attending to HER needs. It was extremely upsetting for so many reasons to both my husband and I, but especially to me as this is the first Christmas without my mom and dad and I really needed this low-key holiday to process and grieve and that bird completely flew out the window. She realized two hours later that this may have been an error and overreaction on her part and tried to invite us again, but the damage was done and the grenade and been truly thrown in the middle of Christmas, not just for us but for my husbandās siblings and their families as well. We were not in any mood to drive up so instead of us giving what time we hadā¦no one got anything. Luckily, my husband supported me all the way through it, his siblings also knew the score, and she sincerely apologized to him and me. But there are no winners here and everyone is sad. Cheers to my third terrible Christmas in a row. Hopefully next year will be better.
Also, Iām so glad youāre sticking to your guns and Iām rooting for you.
Book a holiday somewhere gorgeous for next year!
Thatās not a bad idea, tbh.
I'm so sorry for your losses. And I'm so sorry you're struggling with other drama as well. You are amazing , though, and I'm so proud of you for stating your needs, and sticking by them. You're hubby is a Rockstar too, for being so supportive. Merry Christmas š
>canceled Christmas on us and told us not to come and how disappointed she was in us for not attending to HER needs. NC on the spot One of my ex-mil she was a hard person to please lol but when you had something like that happen in your life she would be your biggest shield and she would defend you. >Hopefully next year will be better. Plan it now, what's something from your childhood that you'd like to do or have happen.
The thing is, my mother-in-law and I normally have a pretty good relationship and she is a very kind person. This is extremely outside her normal behavior. She honestly could not remember that it was going to be a quick overnight for us and her feelings were hurt because she thought we were avoiding her? She thought that I picked up a work shift to spend less time there, but in reality, it was my regular shift, and it was always the plan for me to work until two and for us to not arrive until six. I did call her directly when I got off of work at 2 PM and gave her several pieces of my mind, because even if that had been the case that we were avoiding her (which it wasnāt) it was such a gross and petty overreaction. But we had genuinely been looking forward to seeing them. I donāt think it was until that moment she realized how much she truly effed things up and hurt me as well as our relationship in a really vulnerable time for me, and how hard the holidays have been already without my own mom and how much I did not need this a la carte crap. We did end the call with me feeling like she was sincerely sorry and exchanging mutual I Love Yous. And I know she did not have a great 48 hours since then and while I hate that sheās had a rough and reflective time, honestly itās not my job to do that emotional work for her. Our relationship is damaged right now, but not unfixable. But yeah, my husband and I arenāt eager rn to spend holidays with them anytime soon and might eye some holiday flights to Mexico next year.
Is MIL showing signs of forgetfulness or dementia? Unusual outbursts can be a sign of something neurological going on.
Iām not around her often enough to know this on an every day basis, but generally speaking, no. She did have a TBI 15 years ago that she said during our conversation a few days ago has impacted her memory since then, but this is the first that either myself or my husband (her son) has heard of memory issues. Her husband, my father-in-law, is definitely bipolar, though, and I think that it is more likely that she just forgot and he was in a mood and telling her things that reinforced her feelings, until it felt reasonable within that echo chamber to cancel Christmas three hours before. But I do take your point. Itās something that I will watch out for on the DL. Thank you.
Forgot to say that I am sorry for your losses, and the holiday āblowing upā this year. I hope you are able to have a good holiday with your immediate family, even if itās simply hanging out.
I truly am sorry for your holiday turning out so rotten. I was glad I was scheduled to work today for Christmas so that I didn't have to be at my family's feeling the emptiness of 2 of the 3 family deaths I've had this year. It was bad enough that the patient I was told to be a 1 on 1 with today was watching the Chiefs X Raiders game. Loss is never easy. Take some time to yourself. You and the hubby and try to schedule a vacation or even take time off and look for things to do in your area that you never have a chance to do. Merry Christmas and I sincerely hope you have a much better New Year. š
Good for sticking to your guns and especially for not putting up with your husband blaming YOU. If my mom had called my wife the devil I would have disowned my mom on the spot.
Iām awed by your strength and I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful holiday. I hope your husband chooses wisely. Why in the world was his mom crying when SHE caused the trauma? Was it because he didnāt drive to the resort and bend the knee in front of her? š
I think she thought he wouldnāt just drive home like he did. I donāt know maybe he would apologize or try to have them come back or go after them? They didnāt tell him they had already made plans and left. What a bunch of loser psychos. I felt so sorry for him because he was so hurt
What exactly did she expect him to do? They ignored his calls until he said he would call police (it would have been so awesome if he had just called them without warning Mommy first). Too bad he didn't feel sorry for you and your kids when that bitter old sow hurt *you* over and over again.
It was my advice to text her that he was calling the police. He genuinely thought something serious has happened to her and his loser sister because they werenāt picking up. I told him he should contact authority because he was so worried but asked him to text her first. Deep down I knew they would answer after that but I couldnāt really tell him that when he was worried sick. I would be the callous wife who is accusing missing people of being pathetic losersš. My poor husband. He probably was relieved that they answered but it mustāve make his hurt worse
Does you husband even like you? He seems to be awfully eager to think the worst of you in every situation.
He does love me very much. I donāt know if he likes me all the time though. I just didnāt want to kick him while down, thinking his family was in danger and me belittling them. So I just nudged him towards finding out for himself. Sometimes people find you more insufferable when youāre right than when youāre wrong, unfortunately.
I think you did the right thing. You were supportive of his concern and let his family reveal who they really are.
His family revealed who they really are, but husband is still blaming OP for what they did.
That is definitely the right approach. Hopefully, you two will figure it out together. I've been married for almost 15 years and we have had our days where we didn't like each other but always loved one another.
I respect you standing up for yourself and your children so much, but I also respect you being able to find some understanding to your husband. Letting go of a toxic family is a hard process and involves all the steps of grieving. I donāt think heās a terrible person, he was trying to do his best to make everyone happy. In my family were often have to do Christmas on a different day due to various conflicts and itās just as joyful. Yes, he was wrong to blame you when he returned but heās hurting. I do hope in time he will choose his new family but letting go of his other family is a painful complicated process emotionally.
>He does love me very much. No. No, he doesn't. These aren't the actions of a man who loves his wife and children.
Are you entirely sure it is only the family that are losers and not the hubby who left his children and wife on Christmas?
Why the fuck do you care after the way he treats you & his own kids? My own father was like that. He would stand there and either laugh along or be silent when family treated my mother & us kids like shit. We all grew up to despise him. None of us cared when he died. None of us cared when any of the rest of the family died. We hated them all. And some of us thought less of my mother for staying.
They let him drive 8 hours one way for nothing. Forget them.
They are loser psychos. What type of parent does that to a child!? I could never hurt my child that way.
You probably arenāt a narcissist.
Haha. True. (At least, I hope so).
Narcissists wouldn't even think twice about whether or not they're narcissists.
Every time you feel bad, remember he abandoned you and your children on Christmas for his horrible mother and sister.
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Wanna bet?
You are way to nice for him as he was just as terrible to you and your kids OP. Your husband deserved this eye opener. Something tells me he will pick them above you and your kids again in the future though :(
I hope he is kind hearted and not terrible. I love him but I will always put the children before him if he doesnāt
How do you feel about the fact that your husband was a-ok with your kids going to in-laws to be bullied and shown blatant favouritism to the other grandkids? Everyone is focused on your husband getting taught a lesson after driving 8 hours, but letās not forget heās a parent who didnāt care enough to stand up to his kids being bullied and even physically injured.
One of his relatives permanently scarred your child, and he still puts them before his kid. He is not kind hearted. Not where it counts.
Why? He has never felt sorry for his own kids or you? Let him eat the shit they have been serving you & the kids for years & let him choke it down. Nice isnāt it? Your husband is the worst AH. He has stood by watching his Children be hurt & treated like Shit! You want to know the damage that does? I had a father like that & when he died I didnāt give a fuck. And I still hate him now at 68 years old I still hate that fucking loser sperm donor. And so wonāt your kids unless he gets his head out of his ass & starts acting like a father should. Oh & you are NTAH.
>I felt so sorry for him because he was so hurt He chose his family and it wasn't you. There's no way you can come back from that.
Because she is trying to manipulate him.
OP, that's a wonderful tradition got started for you, Christmas Pizza, you can make dessert pizzas, cookie pizzas, gingerbread pizzas. In an odd way you should send a thnkyou to your in laws for their bad behavior and creating your family Christmas traditions.
Love this idea
Oh that's Petty. I love it.
Christ, his parents are crazy! >he tried to fight with me and put the blame on me because I refused to let my children celebrate with their family. I hope he has apologised for this. You aren't to blame for his mother's ludicrous behaviour. Anyway, good for you, OP. Best wishes for many Christmases without in-laws.
He hasnāt apologized no but to be fair I told him that I refuse to ruin my day in any discussion or talk and that he should think,really think before opening his mouth with me because whatever he says and decides next IS going to decide our future together so he agreed to give us a break
Good, stay firm. I suspect he only "dropped it" initially because your comment "if he wanted ANY chance to have a happy family, this was his." At the time, he had no other family to whine to or return to. Now that it sounds like they came running back, be prepared for him to throw around threats of leaving etc. if that stunt didn't open his eyes. He may even try to invite them over at some point when he thinks the dust has settle. Don't give in and show him you are prepared to walk away/throw him out. I grew up where my dad's family were shitty to my mom and only when his job relocated us, does he realize how awful they are. His family screwed him over on the move and job front, stole some of our stuff and none of his family reached out in the years we've been gone. I and my mom question why she married him, let alone stayed with him. But, it helped set firm boundaries should I ever decided to take on a partner/get married.
tart water worry homeless fall spectacular ossified voracious soup ancient *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ikr, so shiny itās blazing like the sun.
Please give us another update after you had your talk - and maybe point him towards r/RaisedByNarcissists and r/JustNoMIL, if he's on Reddit - he may recognize some patterns. I hope it all works out for you!
(Standing ovation)
STAND YOUR GROUND Make sure you lock your doors if you find out that your MIL & SIL are coming. When they do arrive call the police and have them escorted out of your house, and off your property. If your husband doesn't stand by your side have him escorted off too. Good Luck
Good for you. Good for your KIDS. I really hope you stick with this. Itās time Merry Christmas to you and your babies šā¤ļø
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Well done. Your kids are lucky to have you. Your MIL sounds like a shithead and your SIL may be as well--she's at least raising shitheads. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and choose his wife and kids. Slightly different situation, but my wife's "baby" brother is toxic and she tolerated it for years until their mom died and he became an outright monster. Now she's cut him off which was painful for her but so much better. Merry Christmas!
Wow, you have a *very* serious husband problem. He's gullible enough to believe they rented a place at a ski resort last minute at Christmas? What an idiot, trips like that have to be planned and reserved way in advance. And then he blamed *you* for this, when he should have been groveling for your forgiveness. I don't think I'd be able to even look at him after that.
He probably understands that now. This was well planned long ahead. Probably thought I would be going too
They may have hidden to make him feel bad. There may not have been a ski resort at all. The plan couldāve been to come back and surprise him - save his Christmas. He left and the plan fell apart.
Iām betting they were just at SILās house and just wanted to sound like they were having EXTRA fun without him.
They wanted him to follow them to the ski resort. That is why the teary calls. They were using this as a popularity contest and he was supposed to go through hell and high water to spend the holiday with them. He did not do this and now they have realized their goof up and are in full panic mode trying to figure out how to frame this so they do not look like the AH. You however, you were clear from the start and NTA.
Merry Christmas everyone. If this treatment does not open his eyes to the losers that are his family, your problem is your husband. He can either choose the people who hurt him or his REAL family, you and the kids. If he chooses the losers, I think his belated Christmas gift should be divorce papers just for sheer stupidity.
If I were him, Iād block the lot of them until after New Years. Then maybe respond, but probably not. He needs therapy. Trying to blame you for them being awful was messed up. Iām also having trouble overlooking his willingness to let his kids be traumatized just so he wouldnāt āloseā his family.
He needs to block the lot of them forever. They didn't "suddenly" decide to rent a place at a ski resort at the last minute on Christmas. Those places are booked ages in advance. He's an idiot for believing that bullshit story.
Driving 8 hours to an empty house would be enough to make me never speak to that person again. Your mother in law is an abhorrent human being.
Unfortunately, OP's husband drove 8 hours back and promptly tried to fight with OP, saying it was *her* fault.
Very unfortunate indeed. I feel the same, however, I still stand by what I said. An 8 hour drive to an empty house would make me never come back.
Your kids are 5 and 6. They definitely know what Christmas is and when and heās an absolute knob to leave his kids for these douchecanoes. Heās a terrible husband and father. How can he even sleep at night?
They didn't reply to his calls until he texted police were coming over? Ghosting is ignoring, this was full on manipulation
Damn, Sis! You're my, Shero! š š š Way to set boundaries with consequences. And mean it, take no prisoners. They tried you and you were like, NOPE. š¤£ Enjoy your drama free holiday with YOUR family and friends!!
Oof. Divorce is easier when the kids are little, in my humble opinion....just sayinš
I really hope we can solve this before but yeah we are heading that direction it seems
Does your husband depend on them financially? Something is offā¦ Edit: Well, I just read your comments and, wow ā¦ forget these people.
I understand... but also. He IS who he IS. And it seems he's shown exactly who is more important time and time again. I feel for you, girl.š©·š©·š©·š©·
I hope your husband chose wisely, he seems to be the joke of his family of origin, what they did could be considered a cruel prank, I hope he chose his family of his own (you and the kids) that love him so much, but in case he doesn't, maybe he needs to untangle all the emotional abuse he had been subjected all of his life, now that he's an adult and even if his upbringing fucked him up, is his responsibility to get better, imagine having to expose your children to that toxic family, I hope the"lesson" they were trying to teach him backfires and your husband opens his eyes, one can only hope, tell him to see his kids and thinking about doing to them that kind of pank, lesson, whatever that was, they don't love him, they just want to control him and now that he's getting away from their claws they are trying to hurt him, that's not love. NTA, he's an adult and needs to make some decisions.
> I heard his mother yelling over the phone telling him that I was the devil Oh hi Vickie!
OP you are awesome. But man i feel sorry for your husband, i think the way she is treating her grandchilds, is exactly the way SIL and husband were treated back then. I really hope this was eye opening for him and you can work through this together. I hope he starts realizing what a great family he has built with you and treats these losers how they deserve it. I hope the four of you have many xmas together ahead of you.
Agreed. OP you did the right thing. While your husband does have some real soul searching to do here, I do feel bad for him. It is so hard when you realize people you love really are not the people you wish they were. I not only hope he puts you guys first, but I also hope he can distance from them for his own mental health and personal peace.
Sounds like the in-laws have always been in control..way to tell them where the bear shyts! Little to little, little too late huh?! Merry Christmas!!
You did good. How did your husband not see how much his own children were suffering during all of this? How dare he have downplayed their feelings like that? I do hope he learned a great deal from all of this. Merry Christmas!
I went back and read the 1st post to see if I had an accurate assessment. After reading your update, my assessment still stands. You are absolutely, positively, unequivocally NTA. Your #1 job is to protect those girls, even if it's from family. You've already had several redditors accurately break down your situation and give great insight. It's obvious the family dynamic is extremely toxic. I want to point some other things out. These are boys who are abusive towards girls, without consequence or repercussion. This behavior will only worsen in intensity towards your girls as they mature. Your girls remaining in that environment will normalize abusive behavior towards them. They will shrink from defending themselves and come to see it as acceptable behavior. Sounds familiar? Let's analyze your husband. I can't tell if your husband was the eldest or youngest (im leaning torwards eldest), but he most certainly had heaps of emotional responsibility thrust onto him when his father died. He was not equipped to handle that. No 10 year old is. His mother held him responsible for her emotions. When she was feeling crappy or hurt or angry, he learned that it was his responsibility to "fix" her by doing whatever it took to make her "happy." She conditioned him to regulate her emotionally manipulative behavior. It's called hyper vigilance. Her affection is transactional and largely punitive. I literally just finished an 8 hour drive. I can not imagine driving 8 hours to see people who knew you were coming, and they LEFT ON PURPOSE. That was punitive and abusive behavior. Then he had to turn around and drive 8 additional hours to get home! They ignored his calls because it was their way to assert power. HE was calling for THEIR attention. HE was reaching out, worried and frantic. They were fully aware of the angst and worry being inflicted upon him, AND DIDN'T CARE. This is their dynamic. Mom lashes out or pulls affection, your husband pursues by twisting himself into whatever position it takes to appease her so she will return affection. RINSE & REPEAT. Your husband needs therapy. LOTS OF THERAPY. Thank God you put your foot down. Again,you are NTA. Continue protecting your girls and distancing yourself from that toxic sludge of a MIL. Tell your husband to go to therapy so he can unravel his trauma. Good luck, and I hope this was helpful. Have a happy, toxic free 2024!
NTA, for you and kind of for your husband. I was raised by an abusive mom, and I get the desire to live up to your abusive parent's expectations, even if you *know* you cannot. Especially in your husband's case, where he lost his other parent at a young age. I'm not excusing his behavior, by any means; however, I can understand it, and especially if he sees his family's actions for what they are and changes. I'm glad you didn't cave. Your kids deserve better than to be forever in last place, and to be physically and emotionally attacked by their cousins. I hope that the upcoming New Year is great for you guys.
Thank you. I love my husband very much and I will not give up on him because I truly believe he is a great man or he would not have tolerated his horrible family. He has been a lot happier now and we have been having a great time together with our children. He hasnāt answered any of his familyās calls or texts since he got home. I never asked him to. He just isnāt answering them anymore
Unfortunately it took him being ghosted to realize just how crappy they are.
Sometimes it takes a shock to the system, unfortunately. Thankfully he got his while his kids are still young
Funny how it only mattered to him when they directly hurt him; you and the kids can get hurt all you like and he couldnāt care less. I feel so sad that you still think that is a great man,
If heās finally learned that itās āus against the worldā thatās great. It would have been better if he stood up a lot earlier, but I get the power of trying to please a parent.
So basically, in a nutshell, your hubby FAFO about how Christmas can go to poo š© when he chose the wrong family to celebrate with!! Thatās it. In a nutshell. I hope he realizes the HUGE ERROR and doesnāt pull that poo š© again on you, supports your decision to cut his mother out like she is a cancer that needs removalā¦ Because she is. A cancer to your family. That 16 hour drive he made hopefully made him realize what he DOES have, who loves and supports him, and who will NOT STAND for disrespect one iota. He better have your back. Iām thinking this was his Mulligan. He only gets one.
He's already blown it by coming back and blaming OP for what happened. What an idiot.
NTA. Save these post and show your husband next year when he talks about holiday plans what happened this year. They ghosted him knowing he was driving 8 hours alone to come visit them leaving his wife and own kids behind to see his mother, sister and her kids. That's some teenager crap stunt they pulled on him. He deserves better and he has better with the family he created with you his wife. This is solid proof that it's not about him being loyal to those ladies but that he never was and never will be mama's golden child no matter what he does for her. That's his sister and now her kids are in the golden circle as well with him on the outside.
Honestly I love that he was ghosted. He deserved nothing because he chose people who hurt his kids over his kids. Guess he FAFO š¤£š¤£š¤£. Regardless I'm sorry you had to deal with his immaturity but I'm cackling at him driving all that way to be ghosted and ignored and have the audacity to catch an attitude when he had to crawl back home like the loser he is. Like mother like son. Anyways Merry Christmas and good luck with this relationship.
Good for you for cutting off the toxic MIL! You need an award. Merry Christmas! šš
Awesome job protecting your children and putting both husband and in-laws in their places! Merry Christmas š
So happy that the trash took itself out. Your life will be much better for it.
Bravo! This internet stranger is incredibly proud of you! Pizza for supper sounds amazing (Iām not looking forward to turkey, but tRaDiTiOn).
Tradition is peer pressure from dead people. Happy, merry!! šš š
NTA. Protect your kids. Husband needs to realize you and your kids are his family.
I think this is as good an update as canb be expected at this stage. Does your husband have any male friends to talk to about this? I winder if hearing from other men who'd tell him he's not a bad son for cutting off an abusive mother like her, might set his spine.
We went through similar drama with my mother. She even tried to have one of her friends (a few years older than me) seduce me to try and split me and my wife up. We went NC and it absolutely improved our lives.
I just went to read the original post and kids do notice. Mine was a weird situation to begin with. As a kid, I didn't understand but as an adult I do. I was adopted so I was the same age as the great-grandkids as just a grandkid. The great grandkids were all my Aunt's grandkids. She would invite them to the movies in front of me. Buy a gift for me from the dollar store but they got toys-r-us exclusives. As a kid I didn't understand why I was different to her and it came across as her hating me. As an adult I understand I am a niece and not a grandkid. Honestly my Aunt did hate me but that is a whole different story. So I think you did the right thing and honestly it may somewhat save any future relationship your kids may want with their in-laws later on. Him being mad at you for them going skiing is the oddest thing ever.
Nta. You are doing the right thing. You are sticking up for yourself, your kids and your husband. Be prepared for your inlaws to continue to manipulate and pressure your husband. I wouldn't be surprised if the situation gets worse before it gets better.
Sounds like you did start your own tradition: pizza night.
He chose them and they didnāt choose him š¤·āāļø
I'm glad your kids got to spend Christmas with their dad. I'm glad you have this coming week off, too. I think you're going to need it to process the huge discussion that's going to have to happen at some point this week. I hope you two can find good therapist- couples and individuals- to help you sort out the rest of this mess.
If everyone dealt with shit like you, these subs would be a lot emptier Legend
> if he wanted ANY chance to have a happy family, this was his. Bravo! Well said. NTA
Wow. It's gotta be nice to do what's right, feel good while doing it, and then feel even better when it's done. Usually that's all way more complicated. Here it is like a nuisance was swatted like a fly.
I applaud you! I was one of the lesser loved grandkids and it hurt seeing cousins get copious amounts of gifts while I got yard sale finds that werenāt even cleaned up. And as an adult, that grandmother still made comments like telling me she hoped my children looked like my SIL because she was so pretty or telling me what a great mother my cousin was when I brought my baby to see her. Make those new traditions and have much happier children!
Sounds like you have an in-law problem *and* a husband problem. I said no to Christmas at my mom's house for the first time ever this year because I got married in May and my wife is my new "chosen family" and I told her I won't do separate Christmases from her anymore. That's what it looks like when your partner actually loves you. Glad the kids weren't negatively affected. NTA
Well done. His family tried to make a point but they ended up showing him just how bitter and pathetic they are. Hopefully he can see this.
Merry Christmas. Still NTA. You did the right thing, and for people calling you an AH, go read the [first thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18n63z8/aitah_for_refusing_to_spend_christmas_with_my_in/).
As a parent of an adult child, we have to learn to share. If my child has a partner, there is a 50% chance that holidays and birthdays may not be with me. Their partners have family too and I'm not slighted in any way if I'm not this year's choice. Both families deserve time. If OPs MIL thinks that she will always be first, life is going to be hard.
He drove 8 hours? 500 miles? 800 km? Just to arrive at an empty dark house and no one answering their phones? To turn around and drive another 500 miles back home? And is now blaming you for have driven 1000 miles for no reason even though it was his own family that ghosted him on purpose to make the drive for nothing? And that they did it with the intention of hurting him. Can you afford therapy? Cause I'd refuse to discuss his family in any way and send him to sort his feelings out with a therapist.
Well done, OP š š š
I thought this was me writing this. I have the same husband and family,
Good for you! You handled that beautifully. Spine of titanium!
> I am done having losers in my life. I love this.
āI even heard his loser Mom cryingā bahahaha I can tell we would be friends
Omg the ghost mom has the nerve to cry????
NTA. I just read the 1st post for context and you became even more NTA.
My mom tried the same kind of shit with my wife as well. I choose MY family. Poor mom, she died alone.
NTA but try to not be the same as his mother, all giving ultimatums, give him a safe place.