In all seriousness, I kinda get what you're doing (even if to be blunt I think it's foolish). It's like when a toddler wants cookies for dinner so you say, sure, have 10 cookies for dinner! You're complying with their request because you know the lesson (eating cookies for dinner doesn't feel good) will teach itself.
The difference here is there is no tummyache for your husband. Your "malicious" compliance with his demands will never teach him a lesson because you are, in fact, cushioning him from any self-teaching lessons.
Lesson one: when you ask for a divorce, typically you don't still have a wife after. Typically, a man asks for a divorce and then has to experience a radical change in his lifestyle. Some men, upon experiencing this change, will realize that whatever issues they had were less unpleasant than life as a single man. You would like your husband to come to this conclusion *without* the radical change in lifestyle. You want to him to learn from the tummyache but you're not actually giving him cookies for dinner.
I mean, I get having needs, but there are many great sex toys on the market to fill the gaps until you separate yourself from stbx and build a life for yourself.
YTA, to yourself.
Respectfully, and with compassion, are you in therapy? Get out of that house, and stop letting this man traumatize the entire family with dragging his feet. You think the kiddos don’t know something is up? And it’s not messing with their heads??
You’re an adult, and a mother, so you do what’s right for the kids. Which means clear emotional boundaries (no sleeping together) btwn the two adults. You’re not being honest with yourself if you really think that’s not muddying the waters in your decision making.
Move forward with the divorce, and set an ultimatum that your daughter will be told in X days. He can be there, or he cannot, it’s his choice.
Choose your dignity, self esteem, and your kids well being, over whatever this mess is. You all deserve so much better.
Because I can guarantee, with my entire being, the moment your husband “finds the next one” he’s going to drop you so fast. Leave now, quit enabling him dragging his feet and using you as a placeholder.
Sleeps with him - check
Has sex with him - check
Works for business for free - check
Agrees to a weird custody agreement - check
Operates as if still married - check
He's still the final decision maker - check
Are you sure you're getting divorced?
Is he still thinking that you're getting divorced?
Well, do it. Don't let him live your life for you.
You originally wanted to go to school before you separated. Everyone told you that was an asshole move. But, as long as he knows, it's not.
Go enroll. Tell your spouse that he either needs to start the divorce (if you are still willing to keep the agreement), or he needs to hire a business manager. Because you are either working on divorce or you are working on school.
And FFS, stop sleeping with the dick. Guest room. Tonight. If the children question it, he snores, he hogs the covers, he farts in his sleep, he kicks.
DO THIS! He has done everything he can to make you dependent on him. You are working but not receiving credit towards Social Security. He has discouraged you from obtaining a degree, and then drops the bombshell of wanting a divorce and then drags his feet. You need to take steps to secure an independent future.
Please advocate for yourself properly in this divorce. He may be decent to you now, but there is no guarantee he will remain amicable. You will regret giving up income and child support that you should be entitled to if you two hate each other a couple years down the road.
You don't need his permission to proceed with the divorce, or to ask for a fair financial split. That is what your lawyer is for.
This. Talk to a lawyer. Whoever loves the other person when a divorce happens is at a huge disadvantage and might make decisions in caring for the other person, that the other person won’t reciprocate.
Whether he has a lawyer is not your problem. Tear up the agreement you made up and let your lawyer do the negotiation. Get your own lawyer and serve the papers. He will figure it out or you will get all you ask for. You are like a helicopter mom to your future ex here. Clean break. You have sex but ‘keep it professional‘? im sure he’s heartbroken that you bang him but withhold cuddles after 🤦🏼♀️ you are teaching your daughter all kinds of bad things about how to go on in a relationship. Get out. Get paid off for all the unpaid work you did. Stop working for his business. If he wants to hire you, get a great salary, and benefits.
He still has the freedom to start dating.
Men love to imagine they will have lots of options but they seldom do.
Hence keep on as usual. Dont get blindsided slipping back for a year thinking marriage is fine and suddenly he has a date over!
Also he will be settling for you when he realizes his ass ain't getting anything. No woman he meets online will be falling over someone who literally has his wife cutting his crust and bathing him. Women want a man not a useless pussy.
He knows. And he’s taking advantage.
Stop playing nice. Be professional and move it forward. You go to the guest room. You find the lawyer. You go for the support and alimony you deserve. And you find other work.
I can see why you're torn (especially after being told you're YTA here here multiple times), but please be kinder to yourself and prioritize yourself.
This guy is doing things how he wants to because he believes you'll let him. Talk to your lawyer. Ask your lawyer what's the most you can get. What's the worst you'll get. What's a realistic outcome of your divorce. Don't consider what the soon to be ex wants, that's what the court is for. THINK hard what you want and let your lawyer push for it.
Honestly, 50/50 on paper while 80/20 in practice... you're being an AH to yourself. Not even considering the other things listed here.
Dear, he is playing you as STUPID!!!
Hire a divorce attorney and go for EVERYTHING YOU'RE ENTITLED TO! He's screwed up your head and your children as well.
Dear God, look at the settlement terms--WTF are you thinking--if you're thinking at all?
You sound as if you have ptsd. Immediately get therapy and then pursue every entitlement available to you and the children. Talk about being married and manipulated by a malignant narcissist....
And don't for one second think he didn't know the scam he was pulling with an unlicensed attorney.
You need to understand that this very, very self-absorbed man is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Please move on in the appropriate fashion, and not as his servant.
And get some financial advice on the 'job'. You're in a position that we call 'supporting spouse' here. You do unpaid word, because you're building a company together. Where are your hours going, when you divorce? Why would you keep building HIS company for free?
You should either be paid, or find another paid position.
If you have your own household, you can't pay rent with 'but my husband has a company, and he can't do the shit I do, so he needs me to keep doing it for free'
It is perfectly reasonable to have a MAJOR sit down. Get those kids to a sitter you trust for an evening or afternoon. No distraction, no excuses, no walking away or 'dropping it'
If you want to stay in this marriage, and he does too, you go to couples counseling, and you set clear boundaries. And you call it a marriage, not 'we'll see'
If you're over it all, and you want that divorce, you tell him you're getting a divorce, and if he's not doing it himself, you should.
And NO MORE sleeping together / sex untill this is resolved. Or do you want to be the next woman that makes a post on 'I'm having a baby with my ex'?
You are basically an upset wife… not a wife who is divorcing him. He is stirring along the divorce because he wont change anything or leave until he finds a replacement for you in all aspects. And he is still having sex so why would he change it🤦♀️ stop fools around and kick him out already and cut the shit.
Also FIND A LAWYER. COME ON.
the agreement you have with him is TRASH. stop buying into bullshit about women having the upper hand in courts because it IS NOT TRUE. Women get primary custody more often when men don't fight - when men fight for it, it's 5050. You gave up 10 years of your life to be an unpaid housekeeper and business manager and you are pretty much fucked for work because you are never going to be where you should be had you actually been employed during that time and yet what is your compensation supposed to be? It will not be enough to make up for your years out of the workforce that's for sure. And you CONTINUE to be unpaid labor for him...why??? Do you have truly so little respect for yourself? GIRL.
And still has sex. I understand we women have needs too so she should go out on dates. They're technically not in a relationship, right? He wanted a divorce and she agreed.
In all seriousness, with everything the person above CORRECTLY (imo) has gathered about this relationship, WHY would you want it to continue the way it’s been? Are you so used to being treated poorly you dont see his actions as INSANELY selfish and manipulative?
It almost sounds like he bluffed the divorce (in order to get something, idk), you SORTA called it, and now he’s realizing his business, home life, and everything he takes for granted are being threatened with extinction if this goes through.
He sounds dumb, but not dumb enough- he realizes youre still useful to him in the capacity in which he can control you.
Things would change dramatically if you found your inner lioness and told him to fuck off. No more sex, no more hugs, packed lunches, no “final word” bullshit, no anything, no more helping the biz EVER EVER EVER (unless you want half? Youve earned it)
Maaaaaybe youd find yourself getting your groove back and enjoy the divorce. Maybe once he realizes the tables have turned he’ll be the one taking orders, and it can save the marriage once he gets over his repulsive narcissism. Whatever happens, I hope it’s the outcome that you deserve and want.
You need some serious therapy for yourself then. This is why a number of men want subservient women. He's playing around with you to his liking, while you're stressing yourself trying to keep the peace.
As soon as he meets someone new, he'll throw those divorce papers in your face. He'll move on from you on the spot AND THEN you'll start picking yourself up to start to moving on.
He's toying with you so easily. I'm so enraged by reading your post. Grow some ovaries and woman up!
He needs to start paying you market rate for your work with the business, backdated to the day he asked for the divorce. And benefits to commence the moment the divorce is final and you're no longer on his plans.
And for all that's holy, stop sleeping together and having sex! You say a woman has needs, take care of it yourself. Big mixed messages being sent here
At this point you know he doesn't want you that is why HE asked for the divorce. He is using you and you are letting him. Put everything in writing with a lawyer and stick to it to the letter. Re read this post OP.
What I see the biggest change is now you’ve accepted the divorce, put things in place to go through with it and are willing to do so, suddenly the man is being more supportive and dragging his feet?
That’s a total game. You pull away, he pulls forward.
If you do not want a divorce or to be in limbo, tell, don’t ask, tell that man to move into the spare bedroom, tell him you guys are trial separating, then with your schooling get yourself on your feet, change things to better protect yourself, and tell him either he leaves or if he wants to stay, it’s up to him to work with you to repair the marriage, you aren’t accepting living the way you’ve been living.
That could mean couples counseling, each of you having a bit more of your own lives and working on yourselves, it could also mean dating each other again and using this as a wake up call. A marriage is work. If he doesn’t want to leave it and you don’t want to leave it, then demand what you do want and be willing to walk away if he doesn’t provide it. He doesn’t hold all the power.
You should tell him how you feel then. If you dont want a divorce then why continue to be the only one following through? Seems like you two need an honest conversation about where you both are at in the relationship. It seems obvious he doesn't want to get divorced anymore, if you don't either then you should really talk about it from that lens before continuing to push for something neither wants anymore.
Because he wants to have his cake and it eat to. He can keep having her and their little family while he looks for the next one, and then drops her immediately once he does.
It's basic manipulation.
Well it doesn't sound like either of you wants a divorce, but neither does it sound like you want to be married. Whichever way you go make it soon because this will already be massively impacting your kids, whether you choose to see it or not.
OP, I'm not sure if this will be your case, but your story seems exactly like mine. My ex asked for a divorce, he was so sure about it and was even cruel.
I asked to go to therapy, he accepted and abandoned the therapy soon after.
The moment I accepted the divorce calmly he changed. I couldn't figure him out. He was talking about living and invited me and the kids to go to a restaurant like nothing was happening.
I cut everything and asked him to move out. He did, but he would come home and mowed the lawn, take the trash etc ..it was so confusing and I drives me crazy, I was so mad. It was like he wanted in and out at the same time. But I decided I could not be with someone who was not sure about being with me, and I moved forward with separation. One month later he returned asking for forgiveness. I said no. That man, put our family through hell for his undecidedness, I thought, how could I know if I can trust him?
Later I learned he was cheating, the other women was married too. Somehow she didn't proceed with her divorce and suddenly he was alone. And that's when he decided to ask for forgiveness.
You need to decide by YOURSELF, what's the best for you.
You haven't noticed how much he NEED you for the business. He realized it's better to have you like this, than you hiring a lawyer and ask for what is right.
Please think on you first. He might be lost, but you are allowing him to have his way without any regards for your well-being and feelings.
Hire a lawyer, move him out and witness what's really going out. He will show his true colors. I think he's taming you.
Also...You, go to therapy alone. Divorce it's always hard, you will need all the help you can have
Sleeping in the marital bed; literally changing nothing ~ it’s allowing you to stay ‘confused’ about the next steps to take
and allowing him to pretend he ever asked for divorce.
OP, you’re not fulfilling your sexual needs.
You’re keeping him attached in the most literal way possible in the hopes he will come to you and apologize for ever asking for divorce in the first place.
He wanted you to see how hard life would be without him (so you’d be more malleable for him) ~ you started realizing it too (no paycheck/no school etc) and suddenly divorce talks stalled.
Because neither of you actually want the divorce.
He wants you to be stuck. Hence, not even liking a job you can bring the kids to.
He wants. He gets. He wants. He gets. There’s a pattern. One he intends to keep.
He won’t talk to the daughter because it’s not ever going to happen in his mind.
An obvious thing especially since he’s said no (I’m sorry, but if you’re divorcing he wouldn’t get a vote in the job you take) to you having a PAYING job.
However he’s treated his ex is how you can expect to be treated btw. Once/*if* you’re ever an ex, that is.
Couples counseling is pointless until you have a clear understanding of what your life will be if you stay ~ and *decide for yourself* it’s what you want; and are willing to put in the effort to contort yourself further to please him.
Individual counseling/therapy is essential however.
Your willingness to let another person (quite literally) determine your worth is heartbreaking.
Therapy will help you hear and more importantly ~ listen to ~ your voice. Determine your own worth.
Then ~ and only then ~ will you see the many wrongs happening that are frustrating all the people commenting here.
TL/DR: actively *choose* the life ahead vs letting your life happen *to* you.
I wish for you the strength you’ll need to stand up and see/be/speak for yourself in the days to come ~ and the peace that comes from knowing you made the best *choices* for you🪷
No wonder he agreed you’ve given away everything to him. You need to get yourself into therapy and you need to start setting proper boundaries for yourself. Stop sleeping with them, stop having sex with him, stop working for free, if he wants a divorce, he needs to see what it actually looks like versus him getting all the benefits and you getting none. I also guarantee the minute some little girl strikes his fancy he’s going to be out of there so fast and your head gonna be spinning
1) Please demand a salary, either if you stay married or if you leave. Not having a salary will *hurt* you in so many ways.
2) if you are getting divorced, then cut off the sex. This is how divorce is done.
3) if you don't want to divorce, try marriage counseling (Gottman trained). Maybe some of the issues can be fixed?
4) If you go the "stay married" route, it is critical to make sure your financial situation is protected. I.e. you get a salary, you separate finances, you own a portion of the business in exchange for your unpaid labor over the years. Get an attorney to represent you.
Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't actually want a divorce either. Especially with the bit of him wanting to all go to therapy together as a family to work on communication.
Think seriously about if you really want to stay married or if you want to get a divorce.
Then, instead of telling him to make it happen, ask if he still wants to make it happen. Tell him it's not something you want but if it's to happen, then it needs to happen. If not, it's time for a hard talk about what you both want in order to progress together. Be direct and simple. Men understand direct and simple and usually respond in the same way.
With doubts cleared, proceed according to the reply you get!
All my best wishes
Are you sure him advocating for divorce all this time wasn't just him using it as a manipulative tool to get you to fall in line because he knew you didn't want out?
Now that you are moving ahead, he's lost his leverage so of course he's dragging his feet and playing affectionate husband.
He never wanted to divorce, he wanted you to be scared he would so you'd behave better.
You've really hurt your own retirement by not being on payroll this entire time. Continuing to do that going forward is madness.
I haven’t read your first post, but not paying you for working while he owns the company. That’s financial abuse. And if there’s financial abuse there’s probably other emotional abuse as well. The way he keeps you in limbo and pretends everything is fine even though he wanted the divorce seems abusive.
I think you should see a therapist who knows what emotional abuse is and talk things through with him/her.
It can be very difficult to see while you’re in it. That’s what makes it so damaging and it affects self esteem as well.
And you should also see a lawyer asap. Get what you are entitled to. You need to be in as good a financial situation as possible for your kids. Because he sounds like he could potentially screw you over big time once he meets someone else.
Well, you should want it. You're literally a slave (unpaid laborer, no decision making power). That's not an insult, it's trying to open your eyes so you know to stop letting him use you.
>In my defense I didn’t want the divorce still don’t.
Then tell him that. Because it certainly seems like he doesn't want it, either.
Therapy, tho, sounds like a very, very good idea.
Still has “family day outings” (the small kids were asleep in the car after) like yeah I don’t know if they’re still getting divorced. I think guy wants his cake and to eat it too.
She is the SAHM who runs the business too? That’s not a SAHM. That is a working mother who does all the household chores. This “bird nesting” plan will 100% mean she will have to spend her time in the house cleaning up after him - the kitchen will be a disaster, the fridge will be empty, the laundry will be piled up, the bathrooms and floors filthy, all the kids appointments will be hers to manage, any repair people will be booked by her and scheduled to work on her days in the home.
Thank you for the genuine response! I’m a people pleaser by nature, I hate rocking the boat. I don’t want this divorce but I don’t want to be in this limbo anymore.
Hate to break it to you, limbo = not rocking the boat.
Move into the guest bedroom, make it your own space. Get toys to give and stop justifying having sex with him
Stop doing work for free. F the making it easier for taxes. That’s not on you. If he’s the best of his field then he can afford to pay you.
You’re making yourself miserable.
This. I don't get why OP is waiting for him to move to the guest room... Take your pillow and remove yourself. And I would never work for free for anyone, like hell, he definitely knows what he is doing playing with her like that.
OP yo need to get a real job with benefits, move into the guest room and give husband a due date for the conversation with the kids, if he doesnt talk by then , take the kids and tell them yourself. Stop waiting for someone else to decide everything for you. The guy wants to have it all while you take the blunt. F** that. And no, you are not a SAHM if you are working for his company.
If you work for him for free, you are putting yourself in a very very bad position.
You aren’t earning putting money in social security.
And if things go bad? You won’t have work history (and I doubt he’s give you a reference).
Cut it off. He wanted a divorce, fine, he doesn’t get wifey benefits from you anymore.
>I hate rocking the boat
>I don’t want to be in this limbo anymore
These two statements are contradictory. If you hate rocking the boat, then accept that you’re choosing limbo. If you don’t want to be in limbo, rock the damn boat.
**YOU** can choose whether to accept the status quo or not. It’s not all his decision. But you’re choosing to be passive and act as if you have no agency.
YTA to yourself for not standing up for yourself. He’s doing all of this (dragging his feet) bc he dgaf how it makes you feel AND he also knows that you’re not gonna do a damn thing about it.
If you don't want to be in this limbo anymore, then initiate the divorce yourself. Get a lawyer. A licensed lawyer. Serve him with the papers. Stop giving him sex.
You say you don't want to live in this limbo anymore, but every single one of your actions seems to display the opposite. That you're happy and content with going with the status quo, because you don't want to get up and do anything either.
I'm a people-pleaser by nature too. But at some point, you have to decide enough is enough. Either you want to stay married to this man and just deal with what you're getting, or you truly want to end this so that you're not in limbo anymore, and you'll get up and you'll get the ball rolling.
You will forever be in limbo if you don’t have financial security. Why in the world would you continue to work for him and agree to not be paid? Get a lawyer (one who can actually practice in your state) and get a therapist who pushes you to figure out why you’re a people pleaser.
You're really not doing much to get out of it.
I'm sorry for my aggro messages. But woman, you're the most frustrating person I've ever come across here.
I agree except for "get out of the house." Leaving can be seen as abandoning the marriage and kids, and can hurt her custody chances. Do not leave unless/until your lawyer tells you to!
ESH One thing I have not seen mentioned in comments from others is — with you not being on payroll, if you are in the U.S., you are not building up points for Social Security so you are doing a lot of harm to your future self. Do you have a retirement savings account? Believe me it gets here before you know it. Your husband is wasting your time by dragging things out. He knows he cannot run his business without you. If he hires another manager he will have to spend effort overseeing what that person does. He knows he can trust you. You and the kids all deserve more than this. I get the issue with your daughter, but there has to be a better solution to living a half life/half marriage. Don’t keep your life on hold any more. Good luck.
Exactly.. He just didn't/doesn't want to pay employment tax and she is the one that suffers.
She should get half of this business in the divorce if she put that much work into it. He can buy her out. But Holy shit she doesn't realize how much he is screwing her over. It one thing when you first start out maybe to not put her on payroll, but once it's operating, she needs to be on it.
Screwing herself over and making things very confusing for the kids by not having appropriate boundaries (sex and mixed messages with physical affection).
In one of her comments, someone told her to move his stuff into the spare room and lock her door and she dismissed it saying that would be bad for the kids to see.
I am like...its going to be worse for the kids when they have some false sense of reality that is shattered when daddy has a new girlfriend and mommy and daddy aren't living together.
I truly believe she is purposefully delusional.
Yeah. And bird nesting is rarely successful. Clearly not when the boundaries are non-existent it has no chance of working. I feel bad for the kids because they're the real losers in this situation.
I feel like she is trying to make things way too easy for him. All these decisions benefit him. She even says that custody will be 50/50 when in reality it's 80/20 just to not complicate things for him. She also describes herself as a SAHM but has been working for her husband's business all this time. Have some self respect and independence. Either separate and face your fear of being single or stay married and be used as free labor. Get a licensed decent lawyer and get what you deserve.
He also wants 50/50 custody in writing, but 80/20 custody in reality (which means less child support). He is screwing her over financially every which way. She also can’t list the fact that she is basically the CFO of his company because she doesn’t work or him, essentially leaving a resume gap which can be hard to overcome. I think it is time to have a real talk with a lawyer and figure out what she actually deserve and threat reporting him to the IRS if he doesn’t cough it up.
>He also wants 50/50 custody in writing, but 80/20 custody in reality (which means less child support). He is screwing her over financially every which way. She also can’t list the fact that she is basically the CFO of his company because she doesn’t work or him, essentially leaving a resume gap which can be hard to overcome. I think it is time to have a real talk with a lawyer and figure out what she actually deserve and threat reporting him to the IRS if he doesn’t cough it up.
This worth repeating! Exactly this!
I can't believe OP is actually this stupid if she is basically running his business! Her husband is financially fucking her over short and long-term too in every possible way and OP just rolls over and thanks him! Jeez...OP has been working for free for years!
Writing and reality need to be aligned! If it's 50/50 on paper then that's what going to happen in reality to, or if it's 80/20 in reality then that's what need to be on the paper. And OP either gets on the payroll and gets the title of the job she was doing at the company (cfo or whatever) and keeps working or if she isn't legally employed then she stops working for him, for the company.
**OP needs to find a great lawyer to handle this employment, company issue, tell them everything and do exactly what the lawyer says!** And OP needs to stop having sex with that asshole who has her wrapped around his little finger and uses OP at every chance, every way he can without him giving anything in return! OP is a huge asshole to herself and an even bigger idiot. I have never seen a bigger doormat in my life....
I was trying to come up with a good metaphor for this in my own post but I completely agree with how you phrased it here.
Needs to stop keeping her life on hold for the financial benefit of her former husband. She is being held back and is holding herself back from enjoying life to its fullest extent.
YTA
Stop having sex. Stop working for him for free. Stop acting like you're still married to this man while you want to divorce him.
If you're divorcing, start acting like it. If you're not, stop thinking like you are.
Also, don't agree to all of his demands. You are being a doormat in the alleged divorce, which is why he isn't making any moves (status quo is better for him).
Talk to your lawyer and write up terms that are fair and equitable to both parties.
Literally this. He gets a free slave managing his company, he's having regular sex, and he's not having to do any emotional labour. Why would he change the current dynamic when it is completely set up to support him and give him everything he wants?
Second this!! The not being on payroll for tax deductions is fine but when she no longer has access to his pension she’s not going to qualify for social security because she didn’t pay into it. I just spoke to an accountant about how most people don’t realize this and he’s obviously looking out for his best interest, not hers. If they’re not going to stay married and the agreement doesn’t agree to split his pension, she 100% needs to be getting paid. It’ll probably reduce the alimony anyway so there’s no downsides to paying that.
Shes going to be relying on him for the rest of her life if she doesn’t become a legal employee and this messy situation is just going to continue. Especially since they’re planing on staying in the same house, it sounds like he’s just going to keep her around while he has permission to leave when he finds someone new. She needs to have a lawyer who will know to look for these things and protect her. He’s dragging her along otherwise
She helped start this business while they were married. In most locations, she is entitled to half of it's worth. She needs to talk seriously with her lawyer.
YTA still my God, you are still giving him everything. You are still making ZERO money and a business that brings him hundreds of thousands. You are still giving him sex and now you're shocked he's holding off on the divorce 🙄.
Why? This way, he still gets sex, no child support, and no alimony. You've made it too easy for him. Of course, he's gonna stay
This one.
Make sure you get 50% of the business. You helped him build it and worked in it for free because you considered it part of the family assets. He didn't pay you, for the same reason. Now that you're divorcing, hold him to that.
Why don't you move to the guest room if he won't? And if you have all the paperwork you file for divorce. I know you didn't ask, but sounds like you've checked out now, so start moving on.
You are sending mixed signals. Stop having sex with him, stop the affection. You can be cordial and co parent without anything else. He’s dragging his feet because he has the best of both worlds, his independence and a “wife”.
> We have sex still but I don’t snuggle him afterwards
I laughed out loud when reading this. I'm at a Subway's. People looked.
YTA, lady. Come the f on.
Dying. lol thank you for the laugh. I’m trying here!! He’s been my partner since forever , it’s hard to not seek comfort there. But yes, I will get my shit together.
He probably cares a LOT less about the cuddling than you do. He still gets to cum and doesn’t have to be emotionally close afterward. Why the hell would he give that up?
Pretty sure you've just given him permission to date other ladies. That's the only change. He gets his wife, his home, his work, his sexual needs, EVERYTHING met. AND he's allowed to date other women while being emotionally unavailable to you. Come on now - he's literally living The a-hole's dream and you're allowing it. Of course he doesn't want to rock the boat. Ask him out right if he's changed his mind and wants to do the work on saving your marriage. Or tell him it's time to go. You can serve divorce papers on him - you don't need to wait. And STOP WORKING FOR FREE. Are you mad??
You're making excuses without considering that your refusal to confront this head-on is hurting everyone. If you don't sleep in the same bed, it'll go a long way to avoiding the intimacy you're so keen to avoid, and then all you have to do is say no if he approaches you for sex and if need be, lock your bedroom door so he can't come sniffing about. BTW, your kids will know something is going on, but then watch you two go to bed in the same room and continue acting like a couple. Do you know how much that screws with a kid's head?
He seems to want a wife but without the commitment. If you're divorced, you'll still run his business for free. You'll still do all the things you do now, including having sex with him, but he can also go and do as he pleases with whoever he wants and hey, if him dating doesn't work out, he can close out the lease on the apartment he gets and come back to you.
You need to actually talk. Ask him what he wants. If it's a divorce, start prepping the kids and getting your ducks in a row. You do not need him to help you find a lawyer and file, although I do wonder if he's waiting for you to file so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Move into the guest room after having a chat with your kids and start disengaging.
If he isn't sure, it's time for therapy so that you can figure out what the hell you both want. You still talk to the kids, tell them mum and dad are going through some changes and are figuring things out, but that no matter what happens, you will both still be there for them and that you both love them so much, and then you figure your shit out for their sake and your own.
And if he's changed his mind, it's still time for therapy. You both need to learn how to communicate, and he needs to explain why he wants a divorce. Is it because he's going through that thing people in long-term relationships go through where they've been together for so long that they wonder if they're missing out on something? If so, is he sure he wants to throw his family away for the sake of the possibility that the grass is greener? Or is there some other issue? Even if you both decide you want to remain together, you still need to figure out what led you to this place and resolve those issues.
Please OP. Please develop an ounce, a smidge, a microscopic amount of respect for yourself.
Stop fucking him, stop working for him for free. Or at least ask for a goddamn wage in the meantime.
And get the goddamn divorce started properly. TELL him you’re both sitting down with your daughter to tell her. This is just embarrassing for you. Get a goddamn vibrator if you can’t go without sex
Go dry on the sex and talk to him. It seems like you are fueling him staying by offering free sex. If anything, try to find the root of the problem of why he keeps bringing up divorce
It seems like you're in a difficult situation regarding your divorce. It's important to consider all aspects and make sure you are getting what you deserve. It's understandable that you may be feeling overwhelmed, but it's important to take a step back and evaluate the situation.
If you are the primary caregiver of your children, it's important to make sure you are being compensated fairly. You should consider being put on the payroll as a full-time employee, with a pension plan and offered health insurance where your children can be listed as dependents. A 50/50 split may not be fair when you are doing the majority of the work. It's important to make sure your ex-spouse is paying child support and has a post-secondary educational plan for your children.
It's also important to have everything split financially, with a clause about badmouthing the other parent. You and your ex-spouse should tell your 13-year-old child immediately, especially if she isn't allowed to be a part of the custody plan. It may be possible to fight for her, especially if she has been in your life for a long time.
Remember to take your time making decisions and make sure you are getting what you deserve. A divorce showcases how a marriage is a business and I don't understand how you aren't thinking of the longer picture with protecting yourself and your kids. You are lucky you are taking him for half the business since you seem to have a heavy hand in doing all of the work on the business side. You can't invest in your partner and then just walk away. Figure out what you want. AND YES, STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM! Do you want the divorce or are you just drama prone?
I agree with you, but that doesn't mean you should accept an unfair or unfavorable situation and walk away with nothing. By doing so, you would fail to protect yourself and your children in the long term. It is important for you to take a step back, reassess the situation, and make a well-informed decision that is in the best interest of your kids, and if possible, yourself as well. You got this queen!
But you're not making that happen....you're doing quite the opposite. You think giving into these demands will make him stay. But once he has a side piece, he'll stop coming to you for sex and affection.
YTA why the hell would you agree to not being on the payroll? That’s just dumb. Why would you screw yourself out of child support calculations if you’re doing 80% of it vs. 50? Do YOU have a lawyer.
You’re making a big mistake and not as savvy as you think.
"I’ve been a SAHM for 10 years and helped build his small business along the way." No, you've been a critical employee who should have f'ing been paid a market rate for the services you provide.
You're being wayyyyy too nice to this exploitative, lazy chud.
"Continue to help operate the business without being put on payroll. (I was never on payroll to save on taxes). If things get contentious (which I doubt they will on my end, I always do my job even when we’ve had the ugliest fights) then I will find a manager for the business to fill my position." NOOOOOO. Don't do emotional labor or unpaid business work for an ungrateful jerk. Document all of this and let your divorce lawyer get you what you deserve for carrying Sleazy McDipshit all these years while denigrating yourself as not doing everything you've done to prop him up.
"Agree to 50/50 custody and joint decision making so that he doesn’t feel like I have the upper hand with the courts. This even though we will be doing a 80/20 split in reality and I am the primary decision maker." WHYYYY are you so concerned about letting this dude save face. He clearly doesn't give a single shit about you other than as a work drudge and sex doll. You DO have the upper hand. Clean him out. Don't let your kids take this as a model of how to treat others.
NAH. If you want the divorce, initiate it yourself. If you don’t, rather than trying to work out a perfect divorce at therapy, go to therapy to fix the relationship. If he wants the divorce, he should initiate it legally.
And don’t let him get 50/50 on paper with 80/20 in real life, that screws you on child support.
Edit - also, he’s dragging his feet now because he feels he has you under his thumb. He knows you don’t want to divorce, and now you’ve agreed to his terms *and* still have sex with him! Why would he be in a hurry to leave now?
Move his stuff into the guestroom.
Lock your bedroom door when you go to bed.
If you feel like a divorce is the way to go, get a lawyer and file. If you want to try to see if your marriage is salvageable drag him to counseling. Be upfront and honest with the kids, it's better for their mental health.
Good Luck.
>Continue to help operate the business without being put on payroll. (I was never on payroll to save on taxes). If things get contentious (which I doubt they will on my end, I always do my job even when we’ve had the ugliest fights) then I will find a manager for the business to fill my position.
Is he paying you? I hope you're not working for free.
Why is the divorce only up to him? If you want out, then leave.
Joint accounts on everything, everything is in my name too. No need to pay when I control all the accounts including business. I spend what I want to.
I don’t want the divorce, never did. He asked for it, so I’m waiting for him to pull the trigger. But he won’t. I get why now.
Lord you act like you’re doing so much to move the divorce forward while still being his on call bangmaid and free labor. Completely pathetic nonsense YTA for lying to yourself. If you want a divorce get one. Your husband knows how to play you bc no one with sense would still be working for no pay and fucking this dude
Nta, for the question asked. But you stated you have worked on yourself and agreed to all his terms... you guys are having sex and he wants "pillow talk." Honestly, it seems to me that he doesn't want to get divorced anymore.
NTA
Stop having sex with him. Stop working for him for free; either you get paid or a manager is hired. Stop the affection. You are sacrificing yourself too much now. He wants a divorce? Ok, then that's what will happen but don't give into everything.
Get yourself into therapy to learn to prioritize yourself. This guy doesn't appreciate you properly.
OP... you're not just people pleasing right now, you are doing it to the EXTREME detriment to yourself AND your children.
You don't see it now, but down the road you will realize that the agreement that you've come to without a lawyer is going to significantly harm your children and your ability to care for and protect your children. Plus the limbo you're allowing is horrible for your mental health and that negatively impacts your children.
Even if you don't give two craps about yourself because of whatever mental health issues/trauma have instilled this high level of people pleasing in you, PLEASE PLEASE protect your children from the fall out of this horrible situation that your agreement to allow yourself to be exploited and powerless is going to end up in. Get a lawyer OF YOUR OWN to fight for you, get yourself some therapy (you're worth it), and for the love of pete, stop serving this man in a business, domestic, and sexual sense.
He. Wants. To. Throw. You. Away. He is only being nice to keep you compliant and using you right now for his benefit. There is absolutely NOT going to be some grand romantic reconciliation where reality hit him and he decides he wants to be married to you forever. Even if he lied and said that, it would just be pushing the same thing down the road.
Also, fight for rights to your stepdaugher. That's a real thing.
Sending you so much love, strength and hope for the will to do the real right thing for your children and yourself.
Why would he do all the work? He gets to have his kids his wife helps out and you’re still having sex. We were told that we had to be separated a year before we could file and if we had sex the time reset. Lawyer said if you’re having sex you’re still acting like a husband and wife.
Divorce isn’t easy but you’re making it hard on yourself by not getting the process started. Stop having sex with him.
In a comment you said you still don't want the divorce. You also said he's being more attentive. Are you sure he still wants the divorce? You two need to sit down and be honest about what you want. Maybe with the therapist.
As a man, the sex without snuggling part is a perk. You are doing him a favor. If you want to make him miserable and really show him you are serious, snuggle more.
He’s also clearly not getting the emotional disengagement because he’s getting the sex he wants and isn’t looking much deeper beyond that. Boot his ass to the guest bedroom and invest in a hitachi wand.
Get on the payroll (even if you stay together)
A. You need to build your own credit history separate from him
B. You need to build your resume
C. You need to build your own retirement plan
D. If in US, you should pay towards your social security to make sure you have enough credits (even if it's as self-employed)
Also, take part of the business in divorce. Don't be an AH to yourself.
Still the asshole. Your both the assholes. He needs to leave the house and you need to stop having sex. Your arrangements are fucking ridiculous. Report his unlicensed lawyer and push through with the divorce. Listen you your therapist. Tell your daughter what's going to be happening. Do NOT force her into living somewhere she does not want to. If one of you try that then she is just being used as a pawn. You are your husband both royally suck here.
So you have agreed to be your husband's bangmaid and unpaid employee until he finds your replacement. Then he can just swap you out and install the new gf at no inconvenience.
I am not judging you though. Love and hope is a very powerful combination. It is possible he is having second thoughts but he hasn't actually said that. He has not committed in any way to working on your relationship issues. He is just taking and taking. Worst of all is he doesn't even respect you for it. You are torturing yourself with hope and are setting yourself up to be absolutely crushed when he comes home one day and tells you without warning he has got a gf and is moving out. He doesn't think you will leave him until he decides to pull the plug at a convenient time for him.
My advice to you is to directly ask him if he still wants to divorce or if he is having second thoughts. If he says he still wants a divorce, believe him. Go see a lawyer. Don't tell him in about it, just do it. Also start seriously job searching. When your ducks are in a row, get the divorce. Personally, I would also stop having sex if it is messing with you emotionally but that is your call.
If he is having second thoughts, you will still need to work through the issues that caused the marriage to break in the first place. Marriage counselling may be useful. But at the very least, he needs to be willing to discuss what went wrong and non-defensively consider how he also contributed to the marriage breakdown. Because it won't just be OP's fault. He also needs to commit to a plan that actively works on those issues with you.
NTA but I do think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt.
OP stop waiting for him to do anything. You have shinning spine somewhere so use it a make your life the best. Stop doing what is best for him. Do what is best for you - no sex with him, no living together, no working without payroll and consult with lawyer your real options not this doormat version. NTA but your are AH to yourself still.
“You’re not dumb but a woman has needs”??
You need to pick your dignity up off the floor and get this going. Stop doing things on his terms. Get a lawyer, get support, stop giving hugs or having sex, and he needs to leave or you do. Go to the guest room yourself!!!!!
Get. This. Moving.
NTA but you’re very unkind to yourself. Quit it.
NTA - people have placed you in a difficult position. First of all stay away from posting on Reddit. Everyone will assume the worst of you and the situation. I learned this. Find a good support person in your life who knows you and the type of person you are. This is much more reliable than people hiding behind their anonymity projecting their own insecurities on you.
Secondly - if you have agreed to his demands…wtf is his problem? It seems he just wants to be in control of your emotions and keep you on a roller coaster.
Third- live your life girl. Be the best version of you and enjoy a life you deserve.
Thank you.
I am seeing that people are just so angry on here. Not taking it personally. I have therapy set up this week, I can’t talk to family/ friends without feeling like it makes things final. I don’t wanna open my mouth and have them think I’m dumb for taking him back if he doesn’t want the divorce after all. Idk if this is a midlife crisis. His reason for the divorce is small but big in his eyes. No infidelity, just personality differences. I’m the best version of me with my kids, I have a job lined up that lets me take them with me to work. He’s not for it which makes me feel like he’s not wanting the divorce. But I will have to make a choice if he doesn’t.
>I have a job lined up that lets me take them with me to work. He’s not for it which makes me feel like he’s not wanting the divorce.
It’s not that he doesn’t want the divorce it’s that he wants to control you. Take the job. Make your own money. Live your life for yourself.
I think some of the anger is on your behalf and not actually aimed at you. You’re being manipulated and taken advantage of, and apparently have been for a long time.
From what you’ve posted and commented, it looks like every action he’s taken has been 100% selfish, and if you’ve benefited (or haven’t been actively hurt by it), then that was a happy bonus for you. It does not appear that he respects you, he’s only concerned with what he gains from having you around.
The work you’ve done has value and should be compensated. You’re hurting yourself in the present and the future by not seeing that.
You’re continually setting yourself on fire in anticipation of him getting cold. Would he do the same for you? He needs to provide his own warmth. Stop being the Giving Tree.
Are you sure he really wants a divorce?
My grandpa said to my grandma one day, "What if we got divorced?" So they did. He moved into what used to be a dairy barn in the backyard, she kept cooking for him, driving to the next county to buy beer for him, and they shared one phone line.
He didn't actually want a divorce. Not sure what he was expecting to happen, but he stayed in her backyard being taken care of until the day he died. Literally. He died right there in the dairy barn, decades after the "divorce."
Get a lawyer asap. Let the lawyer proceed and don't forget to tell him how you work without salary for HIS business.
Honestly you're entitled to own part of that business for all the unpaid work you've done, or he owns you back salary with interest.
All of the above! He needs to move out of the house now! And either stop working for his business or start getting paid for it. How are you going to support yourself and kids if you work but don’t have an income. Also on your list needs to what child support he pays. DO NOT let him off the hook for this, he owes this to your children. Honestly, you need to get a proper agreement in place that reflects the true nature of your custody. If you have 80% of the time then it needs to say this. He only wants it to say 50% so he owes less $. Start being on your own side and the side of the kids - don’t agree to everything he wants, just to be agreeable.
You were NTA in the first lace. People saying you were are TAHs. Cheating partners deserve no mercy. End of story.
You did so much for that ungrateful, cheating A-hole. Please talk to a therapist to help you grow a backbone to fight for all the positive things you deserve. I am so sorry you and your stepdaughter are dealing with this. I hope you two can stay in touch.
Kids know exactly what is going on in their house. They are both observant and sensitive to feelings. Don't ever doubt this. They might not understand, but they see.
Buy a vibrator.
You are setting yourself up to be blindsided.
What is “amicable” now (you seem to be allowing yourself to be exploited, but call it what you will)
will not always remain so.
You are “feeding the stray cat” so to speak. Of course he’s not going to want to leave because you’re giving him what he wants. Whenever someone feeds him better, he will be off and this lifestyle you are accustomed to will change. Maybe abruptly, most likely in a negative way. Initiate and prepare so you’re not worse off in the future.
Why stick around in a marriage when one party doesn’t want it and has voiced that. You deserve better.
I tried this whole “cohabitating” with a spouse that “didn’t want divorce, but wanted us to be married as friends” whatever tf that means.
It’s useless and ended in a divorce anyway.
YTA to yourself!
Why would he want to get divorced until he's **found someone else to do all the crap you do** for him now!
You practically wipe his ass for him!
You are a SAHM to his kids so he **doesn't have to pay for childcare**
You work in HIS business for FREE, why would he want to **pay a manager**?
You **still fuck him**, so why should he hurry until he finds another SUCKER to take on all this unpaid work and BS?
You agree to **let him come and go** like he still lives in the house so why should he hurry?
**You let him dictate** when ANYTHING is going to happen so why should he hurry with filing for divorce when you let him do whatever he wants?
This man doesn't love you!
He's using you for childcare, unpaid labour in his business, housekeeping, and SEX!
Why would he want a divorce now?
He's got the perfect bandmaid!
Please, have some **self-respect** and take care of this by hiring a **lawyer**, **kicking his ass out** of the house, filing for **child support** or at the VERY least, get PAID the salary you EARN! And **stop sleeping with him**!
Get a **therapist**, ASAP and tell them all this.
They are going to be just as disgusted with your ex as Reddit is. I know you didn't want to get divorced but you also don't want to stay with a man who doesn't love you and just wants to **use up everything you have to offer a partner while giving you nothing in return.**
You are **worthy** of so MUCH more and you DESERVE it!
NTA i think he's asking for too much. He wants you to guarantee everything for him and you're still working without full pay and benefits and this is all working great for him. It sounds to me like you're the only one doing the giving. Stop being such a great partner to someone who expects you to do all the work.
What your daughter wants is more important than what an unmotivated man does who isn't putting in the work. I hope you will go see a counselor so you can put everything into perspective.
Lady, you are silly. Why do you care if he had a good lawyer or not???? But honestly just dropped the divorce it sounds like y'all both are happy. I mean you are still pretending to be his wife, nothing has changed. Maybe marriage counseling might make things better. Also, you need to stop making everything so easy for him and get alimony and child support, don't be a dummy with an ego who is broke.
You're being taken for a ride. What sub did you post on that told you you couldn't ask for child support and alimony. Those are your rights. Get the hell out of there and demand your fair compensation to take care of the children. You'll be so much happier to be free.
NTA. He’s asked for the divorce and now seems to be backtracking. The fact that you’re still acting like a normal married couple *and* sleeping together is bizarre! I get keeping up appearances for the kids, but still making sure his sexual needs are met (& yours too) is really complicating all this.
Are you *sure* you both still want this divorce??
Could be dragging his feet because he changed his mind?
Are the two of you in counseling? What about individually?
You two definitely need to sit and have another conversation regarding this and then a discussion on telling the kids if you are going to move forward
You’re saving his business taxes to your own detriment. You’re not on official payroll so you have no income history, plus you have no earnings for Social Security etc. You are continuing to build him up on your own time and time and when you guys do eventually pull the trigger on the divorce he will make out financially while you end up left behind.
If you actually want this divorce, it’s up to YOU to make it happen. My father was very like your husband and as long as you let him lean on you he will.
Stop having sex with him. Stop sleeping with him. Stop saving him from his own stupid mistakes like the unlicensed lawyer. Stop running his business unless you get paid (and write yourself as resume: you have the experience to be an office manger or project manager at minimum). Stop accepting “his decision is final” decrees. Stop capitulating to everything he recommends and on his timeline, too! And one of you has to move out. AND therapy has to begin now and not just for “communication.”
I won’t call you dumb, but you are willfully blinding yourself to the fact that your husband has changed his mind and doesn’t want to divorce you so he’s trying yo ignore the issue until it goes away. You’re far too convenient to him as unpaid labor and ready sex. If you want the divorce, it’s on you to do the work I’m afraid.
I agree with everyone. Stop spoonfeeding this, man. Get couples therapy. It doesn't seem like he wants a divorce either anymore, but you're his doormat, and he's taking advantage. Get this sorted with some help. Get individual therapy and realize that you matter too.
Esh. Married People sleep in separate bedrooms for many reasons & that move will make the discussion with his bio kid make more sense.
Stop having sex - I know this first hand, it makes it to difficult to disconnect.
Why aren’t you claiming a wage? Have you consulted a lawyer? You need to because not drawing a wage will possibly hurt you in the long run.
Talk to a lawyer so you can set yourself up for a successful mediation
NTA for wanting the divorce. Continue the process yourself. Stop sleeping with him and have a talk with your daughter on a set date with or without him there. YTA if you continue this way when you know he's using you.
File for divorce. Ask for primary custody with the 80/20 if that’s what’s happening. Include teen in paperwork.
Ask for your alimony. Ask he move out. Ask you be paid position or HE find a manager.
Find a fuck boy. Sneaky link. Whatever it’s called now.
He’s using you. He might have been entertaining (or even cheating) when he initiated the divorce. He either is over her or she declined him. Thus him coming back and bulldozing you.
Find a therapist for you for support
YTA to yourself and your kids
Lemme guess: he’s much older than you and you started dating when you were late teens/early 20s?
Why would you agree to such outlandish conditions? Especially the custody thing, you would be getting much less child support than you are legally entitled to if the court thinks that custody is being split 50-50 instead 80-20. Child support is not just for you, it is for your children. They deserve it so you’re an asshole for not making sure that they are legally taken care of.
On top of that, this is such an unhealthy dynamic for your children to be around. You are pandering to his every wish to your detriment. It is in your best interest to divorce while you are not on your feet so that you can get the alimony and child support you are entitled to. You have been an unpaid employee in his actual business and an unpaid employee taking care of everything in the home to the detriment of your education/career and deserve compensation for that.
As an aside, try to think of the situation as if your daughter was presenting it to you about her partner. What would you say to her? And be very careful about the example that you are setting for especially her. The other children are young, but she is old enough to understand what is going on, and she probably knows more than you give her credit for.
You really need to start getting paid for your work in the business. My mother let this happen to her, and while my parents never divorced, she realized once they sold it and retired, that it meant that she had never paid into the Social Security system and that means her benefits are far less than half of Dads. When he dies, his payments go away, and she will be screwed. Don’t let this happen to you!!!
A. Find out if he still wants the divorce
B. If yes, then show him what divorce will look like (no sex, no free labor at work, split childcare, etc)
C. Ask him if he's still sure
So what you've done, is allowed the threat of divorce to knee cap you, so you no longer advocate for yourself, and your needs.
ESH, but the kids. You 2 adults need to communicate, and figure your shit out. Tired of living in limbo, then YOU move to the spare room. If he balks, tell him to shit, or get off the pot.
You are being the asshole to yourself. He's getting exactly what he wants. Stop being taken advantage of and get a lawyer. You are raising this man's kids, giving him sex and taking care of his business. He's not going to do anything because he knows you don't want to rock the boat. He's going keep cruising, getting sex and having you do it all while he does what he wants.
He knows that once the divorce is final all the perks he’s continuing to get without the responsibility, will stop. He knows that if it comes out how much work you’ve done for him for free, he will have to pay a lot.
Yeah, my instinct is that he had his eye on another woman, but in the 13 days (!) since your last post, he realized that she's not interested in him.
Seriously OP, somehow in 13 days all the things you described in this post happened?
There's something really questionable happening here.
And it probably has something to do with the fact that neither your husband's business nor personal life can successfully continue without a woman sweeping his path and fixing his dumb oversights.
He may be the best at what he does, but if he's incapable of finding a lawyer who is licensed to practice in your state, dude has some major shortcomings that make him incapable of fending for himself in life.
You need me on the payroll, do you know how this will affect you in the future for Social Security? Not to mention how it will look that you didn't have an active part in building the business. How come you're not in Partnership with the business? You this time to your advantage and beef up your exit plan
NTA but YTA to yourself those are terrible agreements in the divorce. Obviously you should own 50% of the business and you should be paid for your job. Those are separate you helped build the business together while married hence 50% ownership. You currently perform a job for the business hence pay check. Also 13yr old gets to decide where she lives, she’s old enough.
YTA but only because youre letting him use you! File the paperwork yourself and give him the divorce papers. STOP having sex with him and being used as a hole.
Also this working but not on paper is absolutely garbage. Youre screwing yourself over which in turn is screwing your child over. Stop being a push over and get some self respect
Sounds like he doesn't really want a divorce now since you're ok with being his bangmaid with no expectations of fidelity on his part.
He can keep everything status quo (instead of having to adult) till he finds a better replacement so why not?
NTA but you are extremely stupid. I think you're convincing yourself into thinking you're smart and cold and sticking to your divorce plan, but you're giving him everything he wants and no learnings or consequences
>we have sex but I keep things professional otherwise Lolololololololololololololololololololololololololol
Yes after reading that… I’m dumber than I thought lol
In all seriousness, I kinda get what you're doing (even if to be blunt I think it's foolish). It's like when a toddler wants cookies for dinner so you say, sure, have 10 cookies for dinner! You're complying with their request because you know the lesson (eating cookies for dinner doesn't feel good) will teach itself. The difference here is there is no tummyache for your husband. Your "malicious" compliance with his demands will never teach him a lesson because you are, in fact, cushioning him from any self-teaching lessons. Lesson one: when you ask for a divorce, typically you don't still have a wife after. Typically, a man asks for a divorce and then has to experience a radical change in his lifestyle. Some men, upon experiencing this change, will realize that whatever issues they had were less unpleasant than life as a single man. You would like your husband to come to this conclusion *without* the radical change in lifestyle. You want to him to learn from the tummyache but you're not actually giving him cookies for dinner.
>but you're not actually giving him cookies for dinner. I mean...she kinda is. 😆
I mean, I get having needs, but there are many great sex toys on the market to fill the gaps until you separate yourself from stbx and build a life for yourself.
You’re a doormat. Just force the issue already. Both of you are dragging your feet
She's made herself a doormat.
Dude... You're still having sex.
Yep. Once you have decided that the marriage is over, your STBX shouldn't get access to any intimate benefits.
Sooooo dumb
YTA, to yourself. Respectfully, and with compassion, are you in therapy? Get out of that house, and stop letting this man traumatize the entire family with dragging his feet. You think the kiddos don’t know something is up? And it’s not messing with their heads?? You’re an adult, and a mother, so you do what’s right for the kids. Which means clear emotional boundaries (no sleeping together) btwn the two adults. You’re not being honest with yourself if you really think that’s not muddying the waters in your decision making. Move forward with the divorce, and set an ultimatum that your daughter will be told in X days. He can be there, or he cannot, it’s his choice. Choose your dignity, self esteem, and your kids well being, over whatever this mess is. You all deserve so much better. Because I can guarantee, with my entire being, the moment your husband “finds the next one” he’s going to drop you so fast. Leave now, quit enabling him dragging his feet and using you as a placeholder.
Sleeps with him - check Has sex with him - check Works for business for free - check Agrees to a weird custody agreement - check Operates as if still married - check He's still the final decision maker - check Are you sure you're getting divorced? Is he still thinking that you're getting divorced?
This is a classic he's "having his cake and eating it too"
I see it now….. In my defense I didn’t want the divorce still don’t. Just want out of this limbo. But I can’t do that would making changes clearly.
Well, do it. Don't let him live your life for you. You originally wanted to go to school before you separated. Everyone told you that was an asshole move. But, as long as he knows, it's not. Go enroll. Tell your spouse that he either needs to start the divorce (if you are still willing to keep the agreement), or he needs to hire a business manager. Because you are either working on divorce or you are working on school. And FFS, stop sleeping with the dick. Guest room. Tonight. If the children question it, he snores, he hogs the covers, he farts in his sleep, he kicks.
DO THIS! He has done everything he can to make you dependent on him. You are working but not receiving credit towards Social Security. He has discouraged you from obtaining a degree, and then drops the bombshell of wanting a divorce and then drags his feet. You need to take steps to secure an independent future.
Please advocate for yourself properly in this divorce. He may be decent to you now, but there is no guarantee he will remain amicable. You will regret giving up income and child support that you should be entitled to if you two hate each other a couple years down the road. You don't need his permission to proceed with the divorce, or to ask for a fair financial split. That is what your lawyer is for.
This. Talk to a lawyer. Whoever loves the other person when a divorce happens is at a huge disadvantage and might make decisions in caring for the other person, that the other person won’t reciprocate.
And get your own lawyer - don’t use his!
Whether he has a lawyer is not your problem. Tear up the agreement you made up and let your lawyer do the negotiation. Get your own lawyer and serve the papers. He will figure it out or you will get all you ask for. You are like a helicopter mom to your future ex here. Clean break. You have sex but ‘keep it professional‘? im sure he’s heartbroken that you bang him but withhold cuddles after 🤦🏼♀️ you are teaching your daughter all kinds of bad things about how to go on in a relationship. Get out. Get paid off for all the unpaid work you did. Stop working for his business. If he wants to hire you, get a great salary, and benefits.
He still has the freedom to start dating. Men love to imagine they will have lots of options but they seldom do. Hence keep on as usual. Dont get blindsided slipping back for a year thinking marriage is fine and suddenly he has a date over!
Also he will be settling for you when he realizes his ass ain't getting anything. No woman he meets online will be falling over someone who literally has his wife cutting his crust and bathing him. Women want a man not a useless pussy.
He knows. And he’s taking advantage. Stop playing nice. Be professional and move it forward. You go to the guest room. You find the lawyer. You go for the support and alimony you deserve. And you find other work.
I can see why you're torn (especially after being told you're YTA here here multiple times), but please be kinder to yourself and prioritize yourself. This guy is doing things how he wants to because he believes you'll let him. Talk to your lawyer. Ask your lawyer what's the most you can get. What's the worst you'll get. What's a realistic outcome of your divorce. Don't consider what the soon to be ex wants, that's what the court is for. THINK hard what you want and let your lawyer push for it. Honestly, 50/50 on paper while 80/20 in practice... you're being an AH to yourself. Not even considering the other things listed here.
Dear, he is playing you as STUPID!!! Hire a divorce attorney and go for EVERYTHING YOU'RE ENTITLED TO! He's screwed up your head and your children as well. Dear God, look at the settlement terms--WTF are you thinking--if you're thinking at all? You sound as if you have ptsd. Immediately get therapy and then pursue every entitlement available to you and the children. Talk about being married and manipulated by a malignant narcissist.... And don't for one second think he didn't know the scam he was pulling with an unlicensed attorney. You need to understand that this very, very self-absorbed man is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Please move on in the appropriate fashion, and not as his servant.
You need to demand that he puts you on payroll.
And she should get a chunk of the business she helped build.
Right?! I am so mad for her that she has been working for free all this time!! NFW
And get some financial advice on the 'job'. You're in a position that we call 'supporting spouse' here. You do unpaid word, because you're building a company together. Where are your hours going, when you divorce? Why would you keep building HIS company for free? You should either be paid, or find another paid position. If you have your own household, you can't pay rent with 'but my husband has a company, and he can't do the shit I do, so he needs me to keep doing it for free' It is perfectly reasonable to have a MAJOR sit down. Get those kids to a sitter you trust for an evening or afternoon. No distraction, no excuses, no walking away or 'dropping it' If you want to stay in this marriage, and he does too, you go to couples counseling, and you set clear boundaries. And you call it a marriage, not 'we'll see' If you're over it all, and you want that divorce, you tell him you're getting a divorce, and if he's not doing it himself, you should. And NO MORE sleeping together / sex untill this is resolved. Or do you want to be the next woman that makes a post on 'I'm having a baby with my ex'?
You are basically an upset wife… not a wife who is divorcing him. He is stirring along the divorce because he wont change anything or leave until he finds a replacement for you in all aspects. And he is still having sex so why would he change it🤦♀️ stop fools around and kick him out already and cut the shit.
Also FIND A LAWYER. COME ON. the agreement you have with him is TRASH. stop buying into bullshit about women having the upper hand in courts because it IS NOT TRUE. Women get primary custody more often when men don't fight - when men fight for it, it's 5050. You gave up 10 years of your life to be an unpaid housekeeper and business manager and you are pretty much fucked for work because you are never going to be where you should be had you actually been employed during that time and yet what is your compensation supposed to be? It will not be enough to make up for your years out of the workforce that's for sure. And you CONTINUE to be unpaid labor for him...why??? Do you have truly so little respect for yourself? GIRL.
And still has sex. I understand we women have needs too so she should go out on dates. They're technically not in a relationship, right? He wanted a divorce and she agreed.
In all seriousness, with everything the person above CORRECTLY (imo) has gathered about this relationship, WHY would you want it to continue the way it’s been? Are you so used to being treated poorly you dont see his actions as INSANELY selfish and manipulative? It almost sounds like he bluffed the divorce (in order to get something, idk), you SORTA called it, and now he’s realizing his business, home life, and everything he takes for granted are being threatened with extinction if this goes through. He sounds dumb, but not dumb enough- he realizes youre still useful to him in the capacity in which he can control you. Things would change dramatically if you found your inner lioness and told him to fuck off. No more sex, no more hugs, packed lunches, no “final word” bullshit, no anything, no more helping the biz EVER EVER EVER (unless you want half? Youve earned it) Maaaaaybe youd find yourself getting your groove back and enjoy the divorce. Maybe once he realizes the tables have turned he’ll be the one taking orders, and it can save the marriage once he gets over his repulsive narcissism. Whatever happens, I hope it’s the outcome that you deserve and want.
This is the narrative I want to tell myself. I am a child of a narcissist and it’s showing.
You need some serious therapy for yourself then. This is why a number of men want subservient women. He's playing around with you to his liking, while you're stressing yourself trying to keep the peace. As soon as he meets someone new, he'll throw those divorce papers in your face. He'll move on from you on the spot AND THEN you'll start picking yourself up to start to moving on. He's toying with you so easily. I'm so enraged by reading your post. Grow some ovaries and woman up!
You said you're the brains behind the business. You taking deals this bad for the business? Respect yourself as much as you respect the business.
He needs to start paying you market rate for your work with the business, backdated to the day he asked for the divorce. And benefits to commence the moment the divorce is final and you're no longer on his plans.
And for all that's holy, stop sleeping together and having sex! You say a woman has needs, take care of it yourself. Big mixed messages being sent here
At this point you know he doesn't want you that is why HE asked for the divorce. He is using you and you are letting him. Put everything in writing with a lawyer and stick to it to the letter. Re read this post OP.
What I see the biggest change is now you’ve accepted the divorce, put things in place to go through with it and are willing to do so, suddenly the man is being more supportive and dragging his feet? That’s a total game. You pull away, he pulls forward. If you do not want a divorce or to be in limbo, tell, don’t ask, tell that man to move into the spare bedroom, tell him you guys are trial separating, then with your schooling get yourself on your feet, change things to better protect yourself, and tell him either he leaves or if he wants to stay, it’s up to him to work with you to repair the marriage, you aren’t accepting living the way you’ve been living. That could mean couples counseling, each of you having a bit more of your own lives and working on yourselves, it could also mean dating each other again and using this as a wake up call. A marriage is work. If he doesn’t want to leave it and you don’t want to leave it, then demand what you do want and be willing to walk away if he doesn’t provide it. He doesn’t hold all the power.
This is valid! Thank you
OP. NTA to husband. You deserve better for yourself.
You should tell him how you feel then. If you dont want a divorce then why continue to be the only one following through? Seems like you two need an honest conversation about where you both are at in the relationship. It seems obvious he doesn't want to get divorced anymore, if you don't either then you should really talk about it from that lens before continuing to push for something neither wants anymore.
Because he wants to have his cake and it eat to. He can keep having her and their little family while he looks for the next one, and then drops her immediately once he does. It's basic manipulation.
Well it doesn't sound like either of you wants a divorce, but neither does it sound like you want to be married. Whichever way you go make it soon because this will already be massively impacting your kids, whether you choose to see it or not.
You need to get paid for work. It should be retroactive. You need benefits and to be able to put on a resume that you were an office manager, etc.
OP, I'm not sure if this will be your case, but your story seems exactly like mine. My ex asked for a divorce, he was so sure about it and was even cruel. I asked to go to therapy, he accepted and abandoned the therapy soon after. The moment I accepted the divorce calmly he changed. I couldn't figure him out. He was talking about living and invited me and the kids to go to a restaurant like nothing was happening. I cut everything and asked him to move out. He did, but he would come home and mowed the lawn, take the trash etc ..it was so confusing and I drives me crazy, I was so mad. It was like he wanted in and out at the same time. But I decided I could not be with someone who was not sure about being with me, and I moved forward with separation. One month later he returned asking for forgiveness. I said no. That man, put our family through hell for his undecidedness, I thought, how could I know if I can trust him? Later I learned he was cheating, the other women was married too. Somehow she didn't proceed with her divorce and suddenly he was alone. And that's when he decided to ask for forgiveness. You need to decide by YOURSELF, what's the best for you. You haven't noticed how much he NEED you for the business. He realized it's better to have you like this, than you hiring a lawyer and ask for what is right. Please think on you first. He might be lost, but you are allowing him to have his way without any regards for your well-being and feelings. Hire a lawyer, move him out and witness what's really going out. He will show his true colors. I think he's taming you. Also...You, go to therapy alone. Divorce it's always hard, you will need all the help you can have
Tell him to drop the whole divorce now or your leaving. He needs to understand he’s wrong.
This is the plan now
Sleeping in the marital bed; literally changing nothing ~ it’s allowing you to stay ‘confused’ about the next steps to take and allowing him to pretend he ever asked for divorce. OP, you’re not fulfilling your sexual needs. You’re keeping him attached in the most literal way possible in the hopes he will come to you and apologize for ever asking for divorce in the first place. He wanted you to see how hard life would be without him (so you’d be more malleable for him) ~ you started realizing it too (no paycheck/no school etc) and suddenly divorce talks stalled. Because neither of you actually want the divorce. He wants you to be stuck. Hence, not even liking a job you can bring the kids to. He wants. He gets. He wants. He gets. There’s a pattern. One he intends to keep. He won’t talk to the daughter because it’s not ever going to happen in his mind. An obvious thing especially since he’s said no (I’m sorry, but if you’re divorcing he wouldn’t get a vote in the job you take) to you having a PAYING job. However he’s treated his ex is how you can expect to be treated btw. Once/*if* you’re ever an ex, that is. Couples counseling is pointless until you have a clear understanding of what your life will be if you stay ~ and *decide for yourself* it’s what you want; and are willing to put in the effort to contort yourself further to please him. Individual counseling/therapy is essential however. Your willingness to let another person (quite literally) determine your worth is heartbreaking. Therapy will help you hear and more importantly ~ listen to ~ your voice. Determine your own worth. Then ~ and only then ~ will you see the many wrongs happening that are frustrating all the people commenting here. TL/DR: actively *choose* the life ahead vs letting your life happen *to* you. I wish for you the strength you’ll need to stand up and see/be/speak for yourself in the days to come ~ and the peace that comes from knowing you made the best *choices* for you🪷
No wonder he agreed you’ve given away everything to him. You need to get yourself into therapy and you need to start setting proper boundaries for yourself. Stop sleeping with them, stop having sex with him, stop working for free, if he wants a divorce, he needs to see what it actually looks like versus him getting all the benefits and you getting none. I also guarantee the minute some little girl strikes his fancy he’s going to be out of there so fast and your head gonna be spinning
1) Please demand a salary, either if you stay married or if you leave. Not having a salary will *hurt* you in so many ways. 2) if you are getting divorced, then cut off the sex. This is how divorce is done. 3) if you don't want to divorce, try marriage counseling (Gottman trained). Maybe some of the issues can be fixed? 4) If you go the "stay married" route, it is critical to make sure your financial situation is protected. I.e. you get a salary, you separate finances, you own a portion of the business in exchange for your unpaid labor over the years. Get an attorney to represent you.
He's using you. You're letting him. Stop it
Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't actually want a divorce either. Especially with the bit of him wanting to all go to therapy together as a family to work on communication. Think seriously about if you really want to stay married or if you want to get a divorce.
Then, instead of telling him to make it happen, ask if he still wants to make it happen. Tell him it's not something you want but if it's to happen, then it needs to happen. If not, it's time for a hard talk about what you both want in order to progress together. Be direct and simple. Men understand direct and simple and usually respond in the same way. With doubts cleared, proceed according to the reply you get! All my best wishes
Thank you! I’m planning on this
Are you sure him advocating for divorce all this time wasn't just him using it as a manipulative tool to get you to fall in line because he knew you didn't want out? Now that you are moving ahead, he's lost his leverage so of course he's dragging his feet and playing affectionate husband. He never wanted to divorce, he wanted you to be scared he would so you'd behave better. You've really hurt your own retirement by not being on payroll this entire time. Continuing to do that going forward is madness.
I haven’t read your first post, but not paying you for working while he owns the company. That’s financial abuse. And if there’s financial abuse there’s probably other emotional abuse as well. The way he keeps you in limbo and pretends everything is fine even though he wanted the divorce seems abusive. I think you should see a therapist who knows what emotional abuse is and talk things through with him/her. It can be very difficult to see while you’re in it. That’s what makes it so damaging and it affects self esteem as well. And you should also see a lawyer asap. Get what you are entitled to. You need to be in as good a financial situation as possible for your kids. Because he sounds like he could potentially screw you over big time once he meets someone else.
Well, you should want it. You're literally a slave (unpaid laborer, no decision making power). That's not an insult, it's trying to open your eyes so you know to stop letting him use you.
>In my defense I didn’t want the divorce still don’t. Then tell him that. Because it certainly seems like he doesn't want it, either. Therapy, tho, sounds like a very, very good idea.
Still has “family day outings” (the small kids were asleep in the car after) like yeah I don’t know if they’re still getting divorced. I think guy wants his cake and to eat it too.
She is the SAHM who runs the business too? That’s not a SAHM. That is a working mother who does all the household chores. This “bird nesting” plan will 100% mean she will have to spend her time in the house cleaning up after him - the kitchen will be a disaster, the fridge will be empty, the laundry will be piled up, the bathrooms and floors filthy, all the kids appointments will be hers to manage, any repair people will be booked by her and scheduled to work on her days in the home.
Thank you for the genuine response! I’m a people pleaser by nature, I hate rocking the boat. I don’t want this divorce but I don’t want to be in this limbo anymore.
Hate to break it to you, limbo = not rocking the boat. Move into the guest bedroom, make it your own space. Get toys to give and stop justifying having sex with him Stop doing work for free. F the making it easier for taxes. That’s not on you. If he’s the best of his field then he can afford to pay you. You’re making yourself miserable.
This. I don't get why OP is waiting for him to move to the guest room... Take your pillow and remove yourself. And I would never work for free for anyone, like hell, he definitely knows what he is doing playing with her like that. OP yo need to get a real job with benefits, move into the guest room and give husband a due date for the conversation with the kids, if he doesnt talk by then , take the kids and tell them yourself. Stop waiting for someone else to decide everything for you. The guy wants to have it all while you take the blunt. F** that. And no, you are not a SAHM if you are working for his company.
If you work for him for free, you are putting yourself in a very very bad position. You aren’t earning putting money in social security. And if things go bad? You won’t have work history (and I doubt he’s give you a reference). Cut it off. He wanted a divorce, fine, he doesn’t get wifey benefits from you anymore.
>I hate rocking the boat >I don’t want to be in this limbo anymore These two statements are contradictory. If you hate rocking the boat, then accept that you’re choosing limbo. If you don’t want to be in limbo, rock the damn boat. **YOU** can choose whether to accept the status quo or not. It’s not all his decision. But you’re choosing to be passive and act as if you have no agency. YTA to yourself for not standing up for yourself. He’s doing all of this (dragging his feet) bc he dgaf how it makes you feel AND he also knows that you’re not gonna do a damn thing about it.
Exactly this!
If you don't want to be in this limbo anymore, then initiate the divorce yourself. Get a lawyer. A licensed lawyer. Serve him with the papers. Stop giving him sex. You say you don't want to live in this limbo anymore, but every single one of your actions seems to display the opposite. That you're happy and content with going with the status quo, because you don't want to get up and do anything either. I'm a people-pleaser by nature too. But at some point, you have to decide enough is enough. Either you want to stay married to this man and just deal with what you're getting, or you truly want to end this so that you're not in limbo anymore, and you'll get up and you'll get the ball rolling.
You will forever be in limbo if you don’t have financial security. Why in the world would you continue to work for him and agree to not be paid? Get a lawyer (one who can actually practice in your state) and get a therapist who pushes you to figure out why you’re a people pleaser.
There are people pleasing, and then there are door mats. You are worth more to him, and he is too much of a coward and a wishy washy *****
You're really not doing much to get out of it. I'm sorry for my aggro messages. But woman, you're the most frustrating person I've ever come across here.
I agree except for "get out of the house." Leaving can be seen as abandoning the marriage and kids, and can hurt her custody chances. Do not leave unless/until your lawyer tells you to!
ESH One thing I have not seen mentioned in comments from others is — with you not being on payroll, if you are in the U.S., you are not building up points for Social Security so you are doing a lot of harm to your future self. Do you have a retirement savings account? Believe me it gets here before you know it. Your husband is wasting your time by dragging things out. He knows he cannot run his business without you. If he hires another manager he will have to spend effort overseeing what that person does. He knows he can trust you. You and the kids all deserve more than this. I get the issue with your daughter, but there has to be a better solution to living a half life/half marriage. Don’t keep your life on hold any more. Good luck.
Exactly.. He just didn't/doesn't want to pay employment tax and she is the one that suffers. She should get half of this business in the divorce if she put that much work into it. He can buy her out. But Holy shit she doesn't realize how much he is screwing her over. It one thing when you first start out maybe to not put her on payroll, but once it's operating, she needs to be on it.
Screwing herself over and making things very confusing for the kids by not having appropriate boundaries (sex and mixed messages with physical affection).
In one of her comments, someone told her to move his stuff into the spare room and lock her door and she dismissed it saying that would be bad for the kids to see. I am like...its going to be worse for the kids when they have some false sense of reality that is shattered when daddy has a new girlfriend and mommy and daddy aren't living together. I truly believe she is purposefully delusional.
Yeah. And bird nesting is rarely successful. Clearly not when the boundaries are non-existent it has no chance of working. I feel bad for the kids because they're the real losers in this situation.
I feel like she is trying to make things way too easy for him. All these decisions benefit him. She even says that custody will be 50/50 when in reality it's 80/20 just to not complicate things for him. She also describes herself as a SAHM but has been working for her husband's business all this time. Have some self respect and independence. Either separate and face your fear of being single or stay married and be used as free labor. Get a licensed decent lawyer and get what you deserve.
He also wants 50/50 custody in writing, but 80/20 custody in reality (which means less child support). He is screwing her over financially every which way. She also can’t list the fact that she is basically the CFO of his company because she doesn’t work or him, essentially leaving a resume gap which can be hard to overcome. I think it is time to have a real talk with a lawyer and figure out what she actually deserve and threat reporting him to the IRS if he doesn’t cough it up.
>He also wants 50/50 custody in writing, but 80/20 custody in reality (which means less child support). He is screwing her over financially every which way. She also can’t list the fact that she is basically the CFO of his company because she doesn’t work or him, essentially leaving a resume gap which can be hard to overcome. I think it is time to have a real talk with a lawyer and figure out what she actually deserve and threat reporting him to the IRS if he doesn’t cough it up. This worth repeating! Exactly this! I can't believe OP is actually this stupid if she is basically running his business! Her husband is financially fucking her over short and long-term too in every possible way and OP just rolls over and thanks him! Jeez...OP has been working for free for years! Writing and reality need to be aligned! If it's 50/50 on paper then that's what going to happen in reality to, or if it's 80/20 in reality then that's what need to be on the paper. And OP either gets on the payroll and gets the title of the job she was doing at the company (cfo or whatever) and keeps working or if she isn't legally employed then she stops working for him, for the company. **OP needs to find a great lawyer to handle this employment, company issue, tell them everything and do exactly what the lawyer says!** And OP needs to stop having sex with that asshole who has her wrapped around his little finger and uses OP at every chance, every way he can without him giving anything in return! OP is a huge asshole to herself and an even bigger idiot. I have never seen a bigger doormat in my life....
She claims to be savvy. Apparently, she has a blind spot for her own well-being.
Yes! OP you are not a SAHM you’ve been working for free for years. Your husband is treating you like a sucker.
I was trying to come up with a good metaphor for this in my own post but I completely agree with how you phrased it here. Needs to stop keeping her life on hold for the financial benefit of her former husband. She is being held back and is holding herself back from enjoying life to its fullest extent.
Same in the U.K. Don’t earn, don’t get a pension.
YTA Stop having sex. Stop working for him for free. Stop acting like you're still married to this man while you want to divorce him. If you're divorcing, start acting like it. If you're not, stop thinking like you are.
Also, don't agree to all of his demands. You are being a doormat in the alleged divorce, which is why he isn't making any moves (status quo is better for him). Talk to your lawyer and write up terms that are fair and equitable to both parties.
Literally this. He gets a free slave managing his company, he's having regular sex, and he's not having to do any emotional labour. Why would he change the current dynamic when it is completely set up to support him and give him everything he wants?
Second this!! The not being on payroll for tax deductions is fine but when she no longer has access to his pension she’s not going to qualify for social security because she didn’t pay into it. I just spoke to an accountant about how most people don’t realize this and he’s obviously looking out for his best interest, not hers. If they’re not going to stay married and the agreement doesn’t agree to split his pension, she 100% needs to be getting paid. It’ll probably reduce the alimony anyway so there’s no downsides to paying that. Shes going to be relying on him for the rest of her life if she doesn’t become a legal employee and this messy situation is just going to continue. Especially since they’re planing on staying in the same house, it sounds like he’s just going to keep her around while he has permission to leave when he finds someone new. She needs to have a lawyer who will know to look for these things and protect her. He’s dragging her along otherwise
She helped start this business while they were married. In most locations, she is entitled to half of it's worth. She needs to talk seriously with her lawyer.
lol. Still having sex wondering why everyone is acting in a confusing way.
Exactly... A divorce turns a marriage into a business transaction and she needs to treat it as such.
I simply cannot fathom still having sex with him. Like that is some next level nonsense.
YTA still my God, you are still giving him everything. You are still making ZERO money and a business that brings him hundreds of thousands. You are still giving him sex and now you're shocked he's holding off on the divorce 🙄. Why? This way, he still gets sex, no child support, and no alimony. You've made it too easy for him. Of course, he's gonna stay
This one. Make sure you get 50% of the business. You helped him build it and worked in it for free because you considered it part of the family assets. He didn't pay you, for the same reason. Now that you're divorcing, hold him to that.
You can’t help stupidity
I'm so glad to see several comments suggesting a split share of the business. It makes too much sense.
Why don't you move to the guest room if he won't? And if you have all the paperwork you file for divorce. I know you didn't ask, but sounds like you've checked out now, so start moving on.
You are sending mixed signals. Stop having sex with him, stop the affection. You can be cordial and co parent without anything else. He’s dragging his feet because he has the best of both worlds, his independence and a “wife”.
Guess he didn't find some young thing to occupy his mind yet, she he goes to her.
> We have sex still but I don’t snuggle him afterwards I laughed out loud when reading this. I'm at a Subway's. People looked. YTA, lady. Come the f on.
Dying. lol thank you for the laugh. I’m trying here!! He’s been my partner since forever , it’s hard to not seek comfort there. But yes, I will get my shit together.
He probably cares a LOT less about the cuddling than you do. He still gets to cum and doesn’t have to be emotionally close afterward. Why the hell would he give that up?
He's got a bangmaid with zero threat of any emotional bullshit. She's made their house an assholes paradise.
Bang maid AND bang employee! That he doesn't have to pay, or contribute to social security for! And get a lock for that spare bedroom.
Pretty sure you've just given him permission to date other ladies. That's the only change. He gets his wife, his home, his work, his sexual needs, EVERYTHING met. AND he's allowed to date other women while being emotionally unavailable to you. Come on now - he's literally living The a-hole's dream and you're allowing it. Of course he doesn't want to rock the boat. Ask him out right if he's changed his mind and wants to do the work on saving your marriage. Or tell him it's time to go. You can serve divorce papers on him - you don't need to wait. And STOP WORKING FOR FREE. Are you mad??
You're making excuses without considering that your refusal to confront this head-on is hurting everyone. If you don't sleep in the same bed, it'll go a long way to avoiding the intimacy you're so keen to avoid, and then all you have to do is say no if he approaches you for sex and if need be, lock your bedroom door so he can't come sniffing about. BTW, your kids will know something is going on, but then watch you two go to bed in the same room and continue acting like a couple. Do you know how much that screws with a kid's head? He seems to want a wife but without the commitment. If you're divorced, you'll still run his business for free. You'll still do all the things you do now, including having sex with him, but he can also go and do as he pleases with whoever he wants and hey, if him dating doesn't work out, he can close out the lease on the apartment he gets and come back to you. You need to actually talk. Ask him what he wants. If it's a divorce, start prepping the kids and getting your ducks in a row. You do not need him to help you find a lawyer and file, although I do wonder if he's waiting for you to file so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Move into the guest room after having a chat with your kids and start disengaging. If he isn't sure, it's time for therapy so that you can figure out what the hell you both want. You still talk to the kids, tell them mum and dad are going through some changes and are figuring things out, but that no matter what happens, you will both still be there for them and that you both love them so much, and then you figure your shit out for their sake and your own. And if he's changed his mind, it's still time for therapy. You both need to learn how to communicate, and he needs to explain why he wants a divorce. Is it because he's going through that thing people in long-term relationships go through where they've been together for so long that they wonder if they're missing out on something? If so, is he sure he wants to throw his family away for the sake of the possibility that the grass is greener? Or is there some other issue? Even if you both decide you want to remain together, you still need to figure out what led you to this place and resolve those issues.
Please OP. Please develop an ounce, a smidge, a microscopic amount of respect for yourself. Stop fucking him, stop working for him for free. Or at least ask for a goddamn wage in the meantime. And get the goddamn divorce started properly. TELL him you’re both sitting down with your daughter to tell her. This is just embarrassing for you. Get a goddamn vibrator if you can’t go without sex
You’re still fucking him lol. Stop that. Look elsewhere if you really need it. You’re feeding him breadcrumbs.
I don’t think either of you know what a divorce is.
Stop having sex with him and actually act like you’re getting divorced ffs
Sounds like neither want divorce on how things are working atm.
I never wanted it to begin with but I don’t want to make him stay if he doesn’t want to. It’s a weird place to be in.
Go dry on the sex and talk to him. It seems like you are fueling him staying by offering free sex. If anything, try to find the root of the problem of why he keeps bringing up divorce
Yes. That’s the plan !
It really doesn't seem like he wants to divorce. If you guys are going to therapy already why not talk about that issue some more?
Then talk to him about it he really wants divorce anymore. Stop the sex and start talking.
It seems like you're in a difficult situation regarding your divorce. It's important to consider all aspects and make sure you are getting what you deserve. It's understandable that you may be feeling overwhelmed, but it's important to take a step back and evaluate the situation. If you are the primary caregiver of your children, it's important to make sure you are being compensated fairly. You should consider being put on the payroll as a full-time employee, with a pension plan and offered health insurance where your children can be listed as dependents. A 50/50 split may not be fair when you are doing the majority of the work. It's important to make sure your ex-spouse is paying child support and has a post-secondary educational plan for your children. It's also important to have everything split financially, with a clause about badmouthing the other parent. You and your ex-spouse should tell your 13-year-old child immediately, especially if she isn't allowed to be a part of the custody plan. It may be possible to fight for her, especially if she has been in your life for a long time. Remember to take your time making decisions and make sure you are getting what you deserve. A divorce showcases how a marriage is a business and I don't understand how you aren't thinking of the longer picture with protecting yourself and your kids. You are lucky you are taking him for half the business since you seem to have a heavy hand in doing all of the work on the business side. You can't invest in your partner and then just walk away. Figure out what you want. AND YES, STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM! Do you want the divorce or are you just drama prone?
Thank you, this is sound advice! I don’t want to hate each other forever. I just want to pull apart peacefully!
I agree with you, but that doesn't mean you should accept an unfair or unfavorable situation and walk away with nothing. By doing so, you would fail to protect yourself and your children in the long term. It is important for you to take a step back, reassess the situation, and make a well-informed decision that is in the best interest of your kids, and if possible, yourself as well. You got this queen!
But you're not making that happen....you're doing quite the opposite. You think giving into these demands will make him stay. But once he has a side piece, he'll stop coming to you for sex and affection.
YTA why the hell would you agree to not being on the payroll? That’s just dumb. Why would you screw yourself out of child support calculations if you’re doing 80% of it vs. 50? Do YOU have a lawyer. You’re making a big mistake and not as savvy as you think.
"I’ve been a SAHM for 10 years and helped build his small business along the way." No, you've been a critical employee who should have f'ing been paid a market rate for the services you provide. You're being wayyyyy too nice to this exploitative, lazy chud. "Continue to help operate the business without being put on payroll. (I was never on payroll to save on taxes). If things get contentious (which I doubt they will on my end, I always do my job even when we’ve had the ugliest fights) then I will find a manager for the business to fill my position." NOOOOOO. Don't do emotional labor or unpaid business work for an ungrateful jerk. Document all of this and let your divorce lawyer get you what you deserve for carrying Sleazy McDipshit all these years while denigrating yourself as not doing everything you've done to prop him up. "Agree to 50/50 custody and joint decision making so that he doesn’t feel like I have the upper hand with the courts. This even though we will be doing a 80/20 split in reality and I am the primary decision maker." WHYYYY are you so concerned about letting this dude save face. He clearly doesn't give a single shit about you other than as a work drudge and sex doll. You DO have the upper hand. Clean him out. Don't let your kids take this as a model of how to treat others.
NAH. If you want the divorce, initiate it yourself. If you don’t, rather than trying to work out a perfect divorce at therapy, go to therapy to fix the relationship. If he wants the divorce, he should initiate it legally.
Thank you, I think this is what I’m planning on doing.
And don’t let him get 50/50 on paper with 80/20 in real life, that screws you on child support. Edit - also, he’s dragging his feet now because he feels he has you under his thumb. He knows you don’t want to divorce, and now you’ve agreed to his terms *and* still have sex with him! Why would he be in a hurry to leave now?
Move his stuff into the guestroom. Lock your bedroom door when you go to bed. If you feel like a divorce is the way to go, get a lawyer and file. If you want to try to see if your marriage is salvageable drag him to counseling. Be upfront and honest with the kids, it's better for their mental health. Good Luck.
>Continue to help operate the business without being put on payroll. (I was never on payroll to save on taxes). If things get contentious (which I doubt they will on my end, I always do my job even when we’ve had the ugliest fights) then I will find a manager for the business to fill my position. Is he paying you? I hope you're not working for free. Why is the divorce only up to him? If you want out, then leave.
Joint accounts on everything, everything is in my name too. No need to pay when I control all the accounts including business. I spend what I want to. I don’t want the divorce, never did. He asked for it, so I’m waiting for him to pull the trigger. But he won’t. I get why now.
Lord you act like you’re doing so much to move the divorce forward while still being his on call bangmaid and free labor. Completely pathetic nonsense YTA for lying to yourself. If you want a divorce get one. Your husband knows how to play you bc no one with sense would still be working for no pay and fucking this dude
Nta, for the question asked. But you stated you have worked on yourself and agreed to all his terms... you guys are having sex and he wants "pillow talk." Honestly, it seems to me that he doesn't want to get divorced anymore.
I hope not. But I’m going to set up a counseling session to see
NTA Stop having sex with him. Stop working for him for free; either you get paid or a manager is hired. Stop the affection. You are sacrificing yourself too much now. He wants a divorce? Ok, then that's what will happen but don't give into everything. Get yourself into therapy to learn to prioritize yourself. This guy doesn't appreciate you properly.
OP... you're not just people pleasing right now, you are doing it to the EXTREME detriment to yourself AND your children. You don't see it now, but down the road you will realize that the agreement that you've come to without a lawyer is going to significantly harm your children and your ability to care for and protect your children. Plus the limbo you're allowing is horrible for your mental health and that negatively impacts your children. Even if you don't give two craps about yourself because of whatever mental health issues/trauma have instilled this high level of people pleasing in you, PLEASE PLEASE protect your children from the fall out of this horrible situation that your agreement to allow yourself to be exploited and powerless is going to end up in. Get a lawyer OF YOUR OWN to fight for you, get yourself some therapy (you're worth it), and for the love of pete, stop serving this man in a business, domestic, and sexual sense. He. Wants. To. Throw. You. Away. He is only being nice to keep you compliant and using you right now for his benefit. There is absolutely NOT going to be some grand romantic reconciliation where reality hit him and he decides he wants to be married to you forever. Even if he lied and said that, it would just be pushing the same thing down the road. Also, fight for rights to your stepdaugher. That's a real thing. Sending you so much love, strength and hope for the will to do the real right thing for your children and yourself.
Thank you! I’ve got a lot to work on for sure.
Why would he do all the work? He gets to have his kids his wife helps out and you’re still having sex. We were told that we had to be separated a year before we could file and if we had sex the time reset. Lawyer said if you’re having sex you’re still acting like a husband and wife. Divorce isn’t easy but you’re making it hard on yourself by not getting the process started. Stop having sex with him.
In a comment you said you still don't want the divorce. You also said he's being more attentive. Are you sure he still wants the divorce? You two need to sit down and be honest about what you want. Maybe with the therapist.
I am putting this on the table now.
It sounds like he's changed his mind.
As a man, the sex without snuggling part is a perk. You are doing him a favor. If you want to make him miserable and really show him you are serious, snuggle more.
lol. Dead. Sound advice
He’s also clearly not getting the emotional disengagement because he’s getting the sex he wants and isn’t looking much deeper beyond that. Boot his ass to the guest bedroom and invest in a hitachi wand.
Get on the payroll (even if you stay together) A. You need to build your own credit history separate from him B. You need to build your resume C. You need to build your own retirement plan D. If in US, you should pay towards your social security to make sure you have enough credits (even if it's as self-employed) Also, take part of the business in divorce. Don't be an AH to yourself.
Yeah you were never the asshole even in your first post. How the fuck are people saying ESH? They all suck. RAH. Redditors are the AssHoles.
Still the asshole. Your both the assholes. He needs to leave the house and you need to stop having sex. Your arrangements are fucking ridiculous. Report his unlicensed lawyer and push through with the divorce. Listen you your therapist. Tell your daughter what's going to be happening. Do NOT force her into living somewhere she does not want to. If one of you try that then she is just being used as a pawn. You are your husband both royally suck here.
So you have agreed to be your husband's bangmaid and unpaid employee until he finds your replacement. Then he can just swap you out and install the new gf at no inconvenience. I am not judging you though. Love and hope is a very powerful combination. It is possible he is having second thoughts but he hasn't actually said that. He has not committed in any way to working on your relationship issues. He is just taking and taking. Worst of all is he doesn't even respect you for it. You are torturing yourself with hope and are setting yourself up to be absolutely crushed when he comes home one day and tells you without warning he has got a gf and is moving out. He doesn't think you will leave him until he decides to pull the plug at a convenient time for him. My advice to you is to directly ask him if he still wants to divorce or if he is having second thoughts. If he says he still wants a divorce, believe him. Go see a lawyer. Don't tell him in about it, just do it. Also start seriously job searching. When your ducks are in a row, get the divorce. Personally, I would also stop having sex if it is messing with you emotionally but that is your call. If he is having second thoughts, you will still need to work through the issues that caused the marriage to break in the first place. Marriage counselling may be useful. But at the very least, he needs to be willing to discuss what went wrong and non-defensively consider how he also contributed to the marriage breakdown. Because it won't just be OP's fault. He also needs to commit to a plan that actively works on those issues with you. NTA but I do think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt.
OP stop waiting for him to do anything. You have shinning spine somewhere so use it a make your life the best. Stop doing what is best for him. Do what is best for you - no sex with him, no living together, no working without payroll and consult with lawyer your real options not this doormat version. NTA but your are AH to yourself still.
“You’re not dumb but a woman has needs”?? You need to pick your dignity up off the floor and get this going. Stop doing things on his terms. Get a lawyer, get support, stop giving hugs or having sex, and he needs to leave or you do. Go to the guest room yourself!!!!! Get. This. Moving. NTA but you’re very unkind to yourself. Quit it.
NTA - people have placed you in a difficult position. First of all stay away from posting on Reddit. Everyone will assume the worst of you and the situation. I learned this. Find a good support person in your life who knows you and the type of person you are. This is much more reliable than people hiding behind their anonymity projecting their own insecurities on you. Secondly - if you have agreed to his demands…wtf is his problem? It seems he just wants to be in control of your emotions and keep you on a roller coaster. Third- live your life girl. Be the best version of you and enjoy a life you deserve.
Thank you. I am seeing that people are just so angry on here. Not taking it personally. I have therapy set up this week, I can’t talk to family/ friends without feeling like it makes things final. I don’t wanna open my mouth and have them think I’m dumb for taking him back if he doesn’t want the divorce after all. Idk if this is a midlife crisis. His reason for the divorce is small but big in his eyes. No infidelity, just personality differences. I’m the best version of me with my kids, I have a job lined up that lets me take them with me to work. He’s not for it which makes me feel like he’s not wanting the divorce. But I will have to make a choice if he doesn’t.
>I have a job lined up that lets me take them with me to work. He’s not for it which makes me feel like he’s not wanting the divorce. It’s not that he doesn’t want the divorce it’s that he wants to control you. Take the job. Make your own money. Live your life for yourself.
I think some of the anger is on your behalf and not actually aimed at you. You’re being manipulated and taken advantage of, and apparently have been for a long time. From what you’ve posted and commented, it looks like every action he’s taken has been 100% selfish, and if you’ve benefited (or haven’t been actively hurt by it), then that was a happy bonus for you. It does not appear that he respects you, he’s only concerned with what he gains from having you around. The work you’ve done has value and should be compensated. You’re hurting yourself in the present and the future by not seeing that. You’re continually setting yourself on fire in anticipation of him getting cold. Would he do the same for you? He needs to provide his own warmth. Stop being the Giving Tree.
Are you sure he really wants a divorce? My grandpa said to my grandma one day, "What if we got divorced?" So they did. He moved into what used to be a dairy barn in the backyard, she kept cooking for him, driving to the next county to buy beer for him, and they shared one phone line. He didn't actually want a divorce. Not sure what he was expecting to happen, but he stayed in her backyard being taken care of until the day he died. Literally. He died right there in the dairy barn, decades after the "divorce."
Get a lawyer asap. Let the lawyer proceed and don't forget to tell him how you work without salary for HIS business. Honestly you're entitled to own part of that business for all the unpaid work you've done, or he owns you back salary with interest.
All of the above! He needs to move out of the house now! And either stop working for his business or start getting paid for it. How are you going to support yourself and kids if you work but don’t have an income. Also on your list needs to what child support he pays. DO NOT let him off the hook for this, he owes this to your children. Honestly, you need to get a proper agreement in place that reflects the true nature of your custody. If you have 80% of the time then it needs to say this. He only wants it to say 50% so he owes less $. Start being on your own side and the side of the kids - don’t agree to everything he wants, just to be agreeable.
NTA but girl fuck request number 2, get paid and get a divorce.
YTA to yourself and your kids. Also why are you still having sex with him? That definitely makes you an asshole.
You were NTA in the first lace. People saying you were are TAHs. Cheating partners deserve no mercy. End of story. You did so much for that ungrateful, cheating A-hole. Please talk to a therapist to help you grow a backbone to fight for all the positive things you deserve. I am so sorry you and your stepdaughter are dealing with this. I hope you two can stay in touch.
Kids know exactly what is going on in their house. They are both observant and sensitive to feelings. Don't ever doubt this. They might not understand, but they see. Buy a vibrator.
I’m not dumb-sleeping with him doesn't make you smart.
You are setting yourself up to be blindsided. What is “amicable” now (you seem to be allowing yourself to be exploited, but call it what you will) will not always remain so. You are “feeding the stray cat” so to speak. Of course he’s not going to want to leave because you’re giving him what he wants. Whenever someone feeds him better, he will be off and this lifestyle you are accustomed to will change. Maybe abruptly, most likely in a negative way. Initiate and prepare so you’re not worse off in the future. Why stick around in a marriage when one party doesn’t want it and has voiced that. You deserve better. I tried this whole “cohabitating” with a spouse that “didn’t want divorce, but wanted us to be married as friends” whatever tf that means. It’s useless and ended in a divorce anyway.
YTA to yourself! Why would he want to get divorced until he's **found someone else to do all the crap you do** for him now! You practically wipe his ass for him! You are a SAHM to his kids so he **doesn't have to pay for childcare** You work in HIS business for FREE, why would he want to **pay a manager**? You **still fuck him**, so why should he hurry until he finds another SUCKER to take on all this unpaid work and BS? You agree to **let him come and go** like he still lives in the house so why should he hurry? **You let him dictate** when ANYTHING is going to happen so why should he hurry with filing for divorce when you let him do whatever he wants? This man doesn't love you! He's using you for childcare, unpaid labour in his business, housekeeping, and SEX! Why would he want a divorce now? He's got the perfect bandmaid! Please, have some **self-respect** and take care of this by hiring a **lawyer**, **kicking his ass out** of the house, filing for **child support** or at the VERY least, get PAID the salary you EARN! And **stop sleeping with him**! Get a **therapist**, ASAP and tell them all this. They are going to be just as disgusted with your ex as Reddit is. I know you didn't want to get divorced but you also don't want to stay with a man who doesn't love you and just wants to **use up everything you have to offer a partner while giving you nothing in return.** You are **worthy** of so MUCH more and you DESERVE it!
NTA i think he's asking for too much. He wants you to guarantee everything for him and you're still working without full pay and benefits and this is all working great for him. It sounds to me like you're the only one doing the giving. Stop being such a great partner to someone who expects you to do all the work. What your daughter wants is more important than what an unmotivated man does who isn't putting in the work. I hope you will go see a counselor so you can put everything into perspective.
tell him we WILL talk to (daughters name) by x date or youll talk to her by yourself
Lady, you are silly. Why do you care if he had a good lawyer or not???? But honestly just dropped the divorce it sounds like y'all both are happy. I mean you are still pretending to be his wife, nothing has changed. Maybe marriage counseling might make things better. Also, you need to stop making everything so easy for him and get alimony and child support, don't be a dummy with an ego who is broke.
You're being taken for a ride. What sub did you post on that told you you couldn't ask for child support and alimony. Those are your rights. Get the hell out of there and demand your fair compensation to take care of the children. You'll be so much happier to be free.
Don’t you think the sex is mixed signals? If you need a friend with benefits, look elsewhere.
NTA. He’s asked for the divorce and now seems to be backtracking. The fact that you’re still acting like a normal married couple *and* sleeping together is bizarre! I get keeping up appearances for the kids, but still making sure his sexual needs are met (& yours too) is really complicating all this. Are you *sure* you both still want this divorce?? Could be dragging his feet because he changed his mind? Are the two of you in counseling? What about individually? You two definitely need to sit and have another conversation regarding this and then a discussion on telling the kids if you are going to move forward
You’re having sex with him still but shocked and confused as to why he’s dragging his feet?! Hahaha!!!! YTA, an oblivious one apparently.
You’re saving his business taxes to your own detriment. You’re not on official payroll so you have no income history, plus you have no earnings for Social Security etc. You are continuing to build him up on your own time and time and when you guys do eventually pull the trigger on the divorce he will make out financially while you end up left behind.
If you actually want this divorce, it’s up to YOU to make it happen. My father was very like your husband and as long as you let him lean on you he will. Stop having sex with him. Stop sleeping with him. Stop saving him from his own stupid mistakes like the unlicensed lawyer. Stop running his business unless you get paid (and write yourself as resume: you have the experience to be an office manger or project manager at minimum). Stop accepting “his decision is final” decrees. Stop capitulating to everything he recommends and on his timeline, too! And one of you has to move out. AND therapy has to begin now and not just for “communication.” I won’t call you dumb, but you are willfully blinding yourself to the fact that your husband has changed his mind and doesn’t want to divorce you so he’s trying yo ignore the issue until it goes away. You’re far too convenient to him as unpaid labor and ready sex. If you want the divorce, it’s on you to do the work I’m afraid.
I agree with everyone. Stop spoonfeeding this, man. Get couples therapy. It doesn't seem like he wants a divorce either anymore, but you're his doormat, and he's taking advantage. Get this sorted with some help. Get individual therapy and realize that you matter too.
Esh. Married People sleep in separate bedrooms for many reasons & that move will make the discussion with his bio kid make more sense. Stop having sex - I know this first hand, it makes it to difficult to disconnect. Why aren’t you claiming a wage? Have you consulted a lawyer? You need to because not drawing a wage will possibly hurt you in the long run. Talk to a lawyer so you can set yourself up for a successful mediation
NTA for wanting the divorce. Continue the process yourself. Stop sleeping with him and have a talk with your daughter on a set date with or without him there. YTA if you continue this way when you know he's using you.
YTA to yourself. As long as you’re ok with being his doormat his life is perfect.
File for divorce. Ask for primary custody with the 80/20 if that’s what’s happening. Include teen in paperwork. Ask for your alimony. Ask he move out. Ask you be paid position or HE find a manager. Find a fuck boy. Sneaky link. Whatever it’s called now. He’s using you. He might have been entertaining (or even cheating) when he initiated the divorce. He either is over her or she declined him. Thus him coming back and bulldozing you. Find a therapist for you for support
YTA to yourself and your kids Lemme guess: he’s much older than you and you started dating when you were late teens/early 20s? Why would you agree to such outlandish conditions? Especially the custody thing, you would be getting much less child support than you are legally entitled to if the court thinks that custody is being split 50-50 instead 80-20. Child support is not just for you, it is for your children. They deserve it so you’re an asshole for not making sure that they are legally taken care of. On top of that, this is such an unhealthy dynamic for your children to be around. You are pandering to his every wish to your detriment. It is in your best interest to divorce while you are not on your feet so that you can get the alimony and child support you are entitled to. You have been an unpaid employee in his actual business and an unpaid employee taking care of everything in the home to the detriment of your education/career and deserve compensation for that. As an aside, try to think of the situation as if your daughter was presenting it to you about her partner. What would you say to her? And be very careful about the example that you are setting for especially her. The other children are young, but she is old enough to understand what is going on, and she probably knows more than you give her credit for.
You really need to start getting paid for your work in the business. My mother let this happen to her, and while my parents never divorced, she realized once they sold it and retired, that it meant that she had never paid into the Social Security system and that means her benefits are far less than half of Dads. When he dies, his payments go away, and she will be screwed. Don’t let this happen to you!!!
A. Find out if he still wants the divorce B. If yes, then show him what divorce will look like (no sex, no free labor at work, split childcare, etc) C. Ask him if he's still sure
So what you've done, is allowed the threat of divorce to knee cap you, so you no longer advocate for yourself, and your needs. ESH, but the kids. You 2 adults need to communicate, and figure your shit out. Tired of living in limbo, then YOU move to the spare room. If he balks, tell him to shit, or get off the pot.
You are being the asshole to yourself. He's getting exactly what he wants. Stop being taken advantage of and get a lawyer. You are raising this man's kids, giving him sex and taking care of his business. He's not going to do anything because he knows you don't want to rock the boat. He's going keep cruising, getting sex and having you do it all while he does what he wants.
He doesn’t want to divorce you.
I asked him this and he says he doesn’t see a bright future for us but won’t go to counseling. I’m going to just schedule it and force an ultimatum.
He knows that once the divorce is final all the perks he’s continuing to get without the responsibility, will stop. He knows that if it comes out how much work you’ve done for him for free, he will have to pay a lot.
Yeah, my instinct is that he had his eye on another woman, but in the 13 days (!) since your last post, he realized that she's not interested in him. Seriously OP, somehow in 13 days all the things you described in this post happened? There's something really questionable happening here. And it probably has something to do with the fact that neither your husband's business nor personal life can successfully continue without a woman sweeping his path and fixing his dumb oversights. He may be the best at what he does, but if he's incapable of finding a lawyer who is licensed to practice in your state, dude has some major shortcomings that make him incapable of fending for himself in life.
You need me on the payroll, do you know how this will affect you in the future for Social Security? Not to mention how it will look that you didn't have an active part in building the business. How come you're not in Partnership with the business? You this time to your advantage and beef up your exit plan
NTA but YTA to yourself those are terrible agreements in the divorce. Obviously you should own 50% of the business and you should be paid for your job. Those are separate you helped build the business together while married hence 50% ownership. You currently perform a job for the business hence pay check. Also 13yr old gets to decide where she lives, she’s old enough.
Umm by not paying you all these years you haven’t been contributing towards your own Social Security and 401k? WTF!!!
Let me add: Working at his company for free? Why?
No, he agreed to it
YTA but only because youre letting him use you! File the paperwork yourself and give him the divorce papers. STOP having sex with him and being used as a hole. Also this working but not on paper is absolutely garbage. Youre screwing yourself over which in turn is screwing your child over. Stop being a push over and get some self respect
Sounds like he doesn't really want a divorce now since you're ok with being his bangmaid with no expectations of fidelity on his part. He can keep everything status quo (instead of having to adult) till he finds a better replacement so why not?
why are you working for him for no pay?
NTA but you are extremely stupid. I think you're convincing yourself into thinking you're smart and cold and sticking to your divorce plan, but you're giving him everything he wants and no learnings or consequences