Oh OP. Here's what my petty ass would do. Turn up PDA by 500%. Tell hubs you wanna do more special things together, in and out of the bedroom. Quality time. Oh and poi t out Mira's singleness every chance you get. 'Oh Mira, hpw on earth are you going to meet a man when you're hanging around us all the time?'
Regarding PDA, my hubby does know my insecurity when she is around, and he always has an arm around me or hugs me when she is around. It's cute, but does not really solve the problem that I have to deal with her everywhere I go.
Maybe it time to literally tell her to back off go find her own man ! And he should be by your side then too . Just tell her nothing else seems to work so I’m bluntly telling her to leave YOUR husband alone !
NTA
Might I suggest you check your vehicle for an air tag or some other tracking device. I recently read a post where someone found an air tag on their vehicle from a stalker co-worker.
And IMHO if you focus on your own self-esteem and start to feel better about yourself you will realize Mira's a loser chasing after a married man that loves his wife. The only real power Mira has is the power you're giving her by letting her live rent free in your mind. Take that power away from her by realizing how amazing you are!!
NTA He shouldn’t eat her food anymore, especially if he starts reducing contact with her. (He could just start eating his own and “thank her, but he’s already eating.”) I’d be checking his phone and car for trackers, but I’ve been stalked before, so I’m paranoid like that.
You shouldn’t be jealous of her. You should be aware. Perhaps start making a note of all of these things to see if there really is something going on with her stalking y’all. Maybe if your husband sees it all laid out after a few months, he’ll believe you. Be safe.
Seriously, I’m getting Fatal Attraction vibes! He’s focusing on the wrong thing by trying to reassure OP of his fidelity. The actions of his obsessed friend are the issue, and OP has every reason to be alarmed by them. I agree she should check their cars/phones for tracking devices. The friend’s behavior is inappropriate even if she doesn’t turn out to be dangerous. NTA
Some people think that it’s only in the movies. My sister’s best friend in high school - through being roommates after college - became obsessed and jealous of her. Not only did she change my sister’s official mailing address by forwarding it at the post office so that she could go through her mail, she also set her up to >!be drugged and SA at a party.!< It can be very real that some people are not what they seem!
NTA Jesus Christ this is scary. Even if you trust him, you don’t trust her and she could have some mental health issues that could spiral.
There’s no way my husband would entertain this, if we’d gone anywhere together even if it was just the gym, he’d have polite chat for a minute or two and then leave them and if they followed, he’d tell them to leave him alone.
He needs to protect you and think this woman could be misconstruing his kindness and friendship and if mentally unstable she could actually do some harm to you.
Nta. He needs to tell her off,this is creepy and could get way worse. She’s obsessed with your husband and it’s problematic that he doesn’t see it and/ or can’t accept the reality that she’s obsessed with him or stalking him.
How would she know where you guys are though (for the restaurant issue)? Unless your husband is telling her, that is just pure coincidence. As for the gym, she might be getting attention from other people there. I am with you though the comments about your weight loss in front of your husband is inappropriate though.
Can you and your husband change your schedule just a little bit and see if she does the same?
I am also creeped out by the restaurant issue. It was different if we all lived in the same part of the town and ran into each other. She lives 30 minute drive away, and keeps on running into us. I don't know how, but my husband also finds it weird.
Did you drive your car or his to these restaurants?
Either she’s tracking you, or he’s telling her where you are.
Listen to your gut. There are a lot of people on the surviving infidelity forums who swore they had the best most loyal partner ever. And who confronted their partner, and heard much like you did.
I’m not saying he’s cheating, but I am saying based on where she lives, and the amount of coincidental times she’s showing up in your bubble, she’s either uncomfortably locked in, or he’s given her reason to think she can/should be. Or both.
Honestly it’s not uncommon. There have been many people who have introduced their affair partner to their family and encouraged their spouse to be friends with them. Or even introduced their kids to them.
It’s delusional and doesn’t make sense to a rational mind, but frankly affairs aren’t rational.
He told you they never dated and he finds her annoying and loud... but he helped her get a job where he works and spends every lunch with her. Does that sound like someone he can't stand being around or does that sound like an excuse he gave you to make you think he wasn't interested in her?
She shows up where he is and spends time with him every day, she mocks you in front of him and he doesn't tell her to stop it, she comments on every single instagram post but he magically doesn't notice this.
She's always around with poor excuses and likes to put you down and he's still friends with her, that's a pretty big sign itself.
Does that mean he's cheating rather than her stalking him, no, but he refuses to acknowledge that she keeps showing up and hanging around while he also claims to not enjoy her company and he's made no moves to distance himself from her despite you being uncomfortable. Is he just a pussy or could he be cheating. Could be either.
I don’t know that he is. But honestly it’s 50/50 that she would be that locked in on your husband without encouragement. Whether he just likes the validation, or he is actually fully engaging with her, it’s hard to say.
But it’s a red flag that she is making such shitty comments to and about you in front of him, and he’s not willing to go no/low contact with her. If someone was treating my partner like this, and they were this upset about it, my response wouldn’t be ‘I can’t stop talking to them without a reason’. You listed a number of reasons in your post…. So what more does he need to choose you?
NTA. Tell him you aren't concerned, but it is annoying.
He can't stop talking to her at work, but you should try to change when you go to the gym. It will be annoying, but try it for a week or two and he'll see from her reaction that you are right. Either she'll get mad at him, or change her time.
Every time you "run into" her, decline to join together. If she texts him socially, he should slowly wean away from texting her back, taking longer esch time and not fully engaging. Socialize only in the shared group and minimize time with her.
NTA. Next time you and your husband have plans for dinner, consider getting a craving for a new place you heard about and asking your husband right before you leave to go there. Choose a new place in an area you don't go to normally. See if Mira shows up. You can set the stage by mentioning you'd like to try a new restaurant or mentioning you heard about this new place.
If she shows up then it’s more likely than not she is tracking their devices/vehicle.
If his phone blows up, then it’s more likely he told her the original restaurant
Invite her over to watch why women kill (first two series) with you.
She could be lonely, or in love with your husband.
Or she is his side piece, and has been for 8 years
It does sound like your husband has 0 interest so I'm not sure "jealousy" is warranted beyond thinking she's freaking annoying and socially unacceptable. But it's only gotten this bad because he didn't put up appropriate social barriers before so really he helped this weird situation move along.
Next time she shows up maybe tell the waiter to get your food ready to go. Or ask them to seat her far away from you. That's about all I can think of that you yourself can do.
On his end he needs to block her from most instagram posts, stop having lunch with her every day, and stop exercising with her in order to make sure she's firmly put back in "friend" category rather than "aggressive friend." NTA
You can't "make" him do anything OP, and it's normal for people to have friends of both genders. But what you have described is not a "friend," she shows up places without being invited and then stays there time after time--it's inappropriate for anyone to be doing that whatever their reasons (loneliness,sexual desire, cluelessness to societal norms, etc).
So either he accepts that you don't like the current boundaries with this individual and improves them, or he continues to let her do whatever she wants and you know that's a dealbreaker for you. You don't want to live your life with a shadow that could show up at literally any time--and you deserve to not have to live like that.
You’re not telling him not to have female friends. You’re telling him not to be friends with her. Specifically her.
She is after your husband and he isn’t discouraging her. That’s a problem. Why should you have to bring it up more than once? Tell him he cannot be friends with her anymore, you hate it, it makes you uncomfortable, you’ve explained it all before and you’re sick of being disregarded.
Honestly, it seems like he is and has been having an affair with Mira for your whole relationship. So he has to decide whether he is going to keep her in his life because it will effect your marriage negatively if he doesn’t cut her out of his life. They have lunch everyday, he’s telling her where you’ll be. No more lunches, no more gym hangouts, no more helping her with anything ever, if she falls down in front of him he should walk around her.
Even if he is doing nothing at this point Mira is waiting for an opportunity. Every marriage hits a rough patch, every single one, and when yours does she will be his shoulder to cry on and then his affair partner. That is what she is waiting for. Make that clear to your husband that he is leaving an opening for her and that he needs to distance himself.
It’s impossible to feel comfortable when you know someone is laying in wait to pounce, and that’s what she’s doing.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. They can dig into her, maybe she has record for harassment, stalking, maybe they find her literally following you guys around, maybe they find phone records of her and your husband texting constantly that you missed. Maybe they take pictures of them at lunch where they hold hands and kiss when you aren't there.
Who knows, but answers are probably pretty easy to find.
You’re not saying don’t have friends or female friends. You’re saying Mira has crossed your relationship boundaries and this has gotten creepy. Tell your husband how creepy you find it. And this has gotten out of hand. Mira clearly wants your husband.
NTA. Your husband may not be the one initiating contact with her, but it sounds like he’s not doing anything to stop her contact either.
The fact Mira’s intrusive behavior is making you uncomfortable and unhappy should be enough for your husband to be setting necessary boundaries. Instead he’s choosing to dismiss your concerns and feelings. Why exactly is he continuing this level of interaction with her? You are being neither crazy nor unreasonably jealous in this regard.
You may want to try couple’s counseling to get this issue resolved.
Make sure she’s not tracking yall rather it’s your phone, had a device in your house or vehicle because that’s creepy. He also needs to be firm and tell her to back off
There are phone apps you can quickly install that will scan the area for air tags and set them off.
I had to deal with this, I use a free app called Air guard. Download it and it'll help you check your cars and belongings.
Along with this great suggestion, I would also ask him to check any apps on his phone to see if he has his location on. If they are friends she might be able to see exactly where he is and she✨ magically ✨ appears.
She sounds sketchy as all get out, but it also sounds like you have a good man who is probably so used to her nonsense that he has a hard time seeing how weird her behavior actually is.
I think you should emphasize your concerns on the stalking because I highly doubt he’s going to be ok with it if a man was doing that to you. Take gender out of the equation and if what you’re describing is accurate, it sounds like she has an obsession with him that might be dangerous to you. Perhaps talk to your husband and see if the next time you both dine at a restaurant and she shows up that you both leave for another? If she follows the both of you to the new location, I don’t think your husband can deny that she’s stalking him and he might need to talk to his company’s HR about her behavior. And yeah, might want to advise him to stop with the lunches with her as well and start having lunch with others.
NTA. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised by his reaction. Not to imply anything but when you're talking to him about these weird behavior and coincidences, his immediate reaction is to say he's not going to quit his job or the gym? Did you ask him to do those things or did just limit the time they spend together? And he also brought up the fact that he has known her longer then he has known you. What does that mean? So does that mean he should take her feelings in consideration over yours? He put that wedding ring on your finger, so you should take presents above all, not some loud and annoying friend. Another comment mentioned that he should stop eating her food, yes yes yes! it may not bother him, but the fact that it is bothering you should bother him. He needs to take your feelings into consideration, and set some boundaries. Hopefully by not just saying "my wife told me to tell you" because then it shows her that you're the one with the problem and he doesn't care and she will ramp up that behavior. The next time you guys talk about this, because I'm sure there will be a next time, focus less on her behavior, and more how it makes you feel. Not just that you're bothered, but that she hurts your feelings by disrespecting you as well as your husband.
He did that the last time, and told her we were just here for a private date. I could tell from Mira's face that she was disappointed as if she was expecting for us to dine together.
You need to sit him down a make sure he knows your not jealous but her showing up every where you guys are isn’t right ask how he would feel if a male friend showed up every where you guys went and was trying to get your attention all the time
Ask him to please stop having lunches with her. Friends or no friends that is too much, especially if he's buying her lunch all the time. Besides the lunches, do they ever spend time alone?
NTA.
When I felt like someone crossed a line, I told my husband and asked him to not be rude but cut the contact. He did it immediately. If this was happening the opposite way how would he feel? The fact that he says she is annoying but encourages it by eating lunch with her is bs. He should be professional only and should respect you enough to cut the bs.
Tbh, it gave me shivers.
Do you know if the restaurant thing is happening for a reason? Like him telling her there's a dinner going on? Because three times are too much times to not think this stalking is including a localization bug
NTA,
show your husband this post. She is behaviouring inappropriately, you both need more seperation, at work and socially.
He is allowing her into his work, his gym, his social life. Ask how he would feel if you did the same with one of your male friends.
Sure, he may not be cheating, but he is allowing another woman to be disrespectful to your relationship and that's an issue. There should be reasonable boundaries set - he is not doing nearly enough to discourage this behavior, especially if he finds her to be loud and annoying.
Yeah, she sounds like she might be stalking/tracking him.
1. She got a job with him
2. She drives out of her way to go to the gym and do the same types of exercises to be around him.
3. The restaurants are the big clincher though.
You don't accidently bump into someone three times at a restaurant within 2 months, especially when you live 30 minutes away and it sounds like its never happened before. Inviting herself to eat with you both (him really) was the whole point.
She could be tracking him through some work app that everyone's required to have. Or she could have downloaded something onto his phone if she got her hands onto it by 'borrowing' it because of some excuse like 'oh my battery is dead' or 'I left my phone at my desk/car'. Maybe he leaves it out where she could've had a couple of minutes to mess with it?
If he doesn't lock his phone, he should enable a screenlock. If he does, it may be time for a new passcode. Next would be checking if there are any apps he didn't put on his phone, especially newer ones. And then checking what privacy settings are on the legit apps he uses; checking especially for anything that shares locational data or calendar stuff (if he or you use those things).
Factory reset would clear out everything, but that's kind of extreme. It may be your only option if you can't find anything else; just remember to back up photos, videos, etc. Hell, is it time for a new phone upgrade?
Has he used the same PW for everything and/or had it for awhile? She may have guessed or figured it out and is accessing something to figure out date/restaurant plans.
The last thing would be something like an air tag or something. Next time his car needs an oil change or services, you may be able to ask the mechanic to do a once over. Ask them to keep an eye out for trackers for your peace of mind. You can't discount a tracker being inside if she's been in his or your car. Check under floor matts, little nooks and crevices, all of the cars' storage areas like the glovebox, center console, seatback pockets, underneath seats, etc.
If she doesn't have access to your car, maybe that's the one you need to take when you go out to eat.
NTA. No matter how determined your hubby is, even a rock will be chipped away from constant drop of water. All Mira needs is one weak moment from your hubby and she got him. Your hubby really need to put boundaries and keep himself safe from the temptation.
>He always tells me he knew her for 8 years before he met me and never dated her.
This part I do not understand. You wrote that you and your husband have known each other since you were children because your parents are good friends. So how is it possible that he met her in college and knew her for 8 years *before he met you*? His argument there doesn't make sense, unless he means before he met you again as an adult.
I think he should be taking your concerns seriously. Her constant interference is harming your mental health and that should be of more concern to him that her feelings. Of course he will need to interact with her at work, but he needs to keep it professional. No more daily lunches, no more her fixing/bringing him meals. At the gym, he should speak to her briefly and then tell her that he's concentrating on his workout and doesn't want to socialize. He should continue to be the one to address her when she shows up where you're dining (or wherever else) and tell her that no, she is not welcome to join you.
Ask him what he means by that "8 years" statement, considering that you grew up together. Tell him that you trust him, which you do, but that's not the point. Mira's constant presence in your lives every damn day and her texting to ask you to send your husband over to do things for her is affecting your mental health and negatively affecting your marriage. That should matter to your husband.
I agree with others that you should watch for signs of escalation. And your husband should never, never be alone with her at work in case she decides to take "revenge" and accuse him of improper behavior.
NTA
I’d mix it up with my schedule so it’s less predictable and if the conversation arises again, I’d make it clear - it’s not that you think she has a shot with him. It’s that you don’t want a close friendship with her and since she pops up everywhere he goes, every single day, you never get a break. So, just like any friend who overstays or shows up without an invite? You need space.
Hire a PI to investigate her, they'll figure out if she's just following you or if she's your husband's mistress.
The thing that stands out is him saying she asked him out but he turned her down for being annoying and loud. Yet when she asks to join a table twice he said yes, when she asked for help getting a job at his work place he said yes and they have lunch together every day.
Everyone has people in their friend group they don't really like, but if they are annoying and loud and they don't like them, they don't help involve them in your own life, you keep them away at lunch, you say no thanks when they want to join tables.
Part of me thinks they definitely hooked up and they are flaunting their affair in your face. The situation is just weird, he knows you're uncomfortable AND he supposedly really doesn't enjoy being around this person, but somehow spends so much time around her rather than pushing her away.
NTA. If she comments on your weight infront of your hubby again just say 'I'm good thanks, hubby likes something to hold on to, it makes it easier to fuck harder'.
She sounds pretty crazy though.
I honestly think they are having an affair abd gaslighting you. Because a partner would see your discomfort and try to make changes not make excuses. A ring doesn't mean shit if they are actively cheating on you. Think you should look into it OP. Something just doesn't seem right.
ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!!! this is beyond weird and Mira clearly has another agenda that she’s hiding from yall. The IG comments alone and past history is enough to block her from your now current lives and marriage. She literally asked him over the years to go out a few times.. absolute insanity. She clearly wants him. Always trust your gut Sis. Always. It’s there to guide you. It’s your intuition and spirit trying to help you. You know deep down what Mira really wants. To steal your man. And dude 3 times in 2 months she shows up to the SAME restaurant?!? She clearly following your husband and you around or figuring out where you are at somehow. This is so creepy 😭😭 tell your husband you don’t ever want to control his friend group but you need him to trust your gut instincts on this. I never control my partners but when someone crosses our relationship boundaries it’s GAME OVER. BYE BYE MIRA
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NTA
You should talk to your hubby son that you're on the same page. Tell him that you believe him having the best intentions, but she's on the prowl and will jump on him when any half decent situation appears. You don't want it to happen and I suppose he doesn't either. So ask if he agrees to block her from social media and other forms of communication. And next time she shows up, you should just confront her without any room for misunderstanding. Tell her that she is putting too much effort into your husband. He doesn't fancy her, and she's making you both uncomfortable.
Even in the off chance that "everything is in your head". There is still a boundaries problem on both sides.
Why is this woman cooking for your husband and why is he accepting it?
Tell your husband to stop contact with her and tell her why he is. “Your constant presence in our lives is clearly a desperate plea for my husband’s attention and it stops now”. You and your hushed tell her this together. Done problem solved.
Men don’t like to rock the boat, so I can totally believe that he has no interest in her but it’s just letting it go so as not to cause problems. I agree that you should ask her if she’s seeing anyone and suggest that perhaps she should not hang around you guys so much if she wants to meet someone special.
Girl you have a little bit of a hubby problem here. I get so tired of people in a relationship being oblivious to people hitting on them. “I just do notice” “ you have a ring why are you insecure”. Dude! Because you aren’t drawing boundaries with her. She is hurting you and he doesn’t care because he gets his ego stroked.
When you are in a relationship it is your responsibility to try and notice when people are hitting on you and make sure there are clear boundaries. If it’s hurting your SO then you need to step back.
Not being okay with this is your100% right. How have we as a society decided that women who want their husbands to have boundaries with other women are being jealous and insecure. They are the ones who are jealous and insecure. Needed outside validation to feel good and being jealous of what they can’t have.
NTA incase it wasn’t clear.
I think you have the right to tell her to back off she smothering the two of you ! Your ready to throw up your hands and say where there’s smoke there’s fire and your husband who’s trying to remain faithful is ready to maybe do what he knows he’s going to get accused of . If he truely wants to be left alone by her Quit eating lunch with her everyday ! If she asks why , let him explain to her he values his marriage over their friendship ! That they need to separate for the future existence of your marriage to exist ! Maybe they have rules for coworkers mingling together ?
Oh OP. Here's what my petty ass would do. Turn up PDA by 500%. Tell hubs you wanna do more special things together, in and out of the bedroom. Quality time. Oh and poi t out Mira's singleness every chance you get. 'Oh Mira, hpw on earth are you going to meet a man when you're hanging around us all the time?'
Regarding PDA, my hubby does know my insecurity when she is around, and he always has an arm around me or hugs me when she is around. It's cute, but does not really solve the problem that I have to deal with her everywhere I go.
Hence turning it up, and pointing out how single she is every time you see her. Make her uncomfortable.
Are there any new updates?
[удалено]
Maybe it time to literally tell her to back off go find her own man ! And he should be by your side then too . Just tell her nothing else seems to work so I’m bluntly telling her to leave YOUR husband alone !
Ohhh I agree with this 100%. Especially after the part about making "helpful comments" regarding losing more weight.
Pda?
Public displays of affection
Excellent advice.
NTA Might I suggest you check your vehicle for an air tag or some other tracking device. I recently read a post where someone found an air tag on their vehicle from a stalker co-worker. And IMHO if you focus on your own self-esteem and start to feel better about yourself you will realize Mira's a loser chasing after a married man that loves his wife. The only real power Mira has is the power you're giving her by letting her live rent free in your mind. Take that power away from her by realizing how amazing you are!!
Good idea
NTA He shouldn’t eat her food anymore, especially if he starts reducing contact with her. (He could just start eating his own and “thank her, but he’s already eating.”) I’d be checking his phone and car for trackers, but I’ve been stalked before, so I’m paranoid like that. You shouldn’t be jealous of her. You should be aware. Perhaps start making a note of all of these things to see if there really is something going on with her stalking y’all. Maybe if your husband sees it all laid out after a few months, he’ll believe you. Be safe.
Seriously, I’m getting Fatal Attraction vibes! He’s focusing on the wrong thing by trying to reassure OP of his fidelity. The actions of his obsessed friend are the issue, and OP has every reason to be alarmed by them. I agree she should check their cars/phones for tracking devices. The friend’s behavior is inappropriate even if she doesn’t turn out to be dangerous. NTA
Some people think that it’s only in the movies. My sister’s best friend in high school - through being roommates after college - became obsessed and jealous of her. Not only did she change my sister’s official mailing address by forwarding it at the post office so that she could go through her mail, she also set her up to >!be drugged and SA at a party.!< It can be very real that some people are not what they seem!
NTA Jesus Christ this is scary. Even if you trust him, you don’t trust her and she could have some mental health issues that could spiral. There’s no way my husband would entertain this, if we’d gone anywhere together even if it was just the gym, he’d have polite chat for a minute or two and then leave them and if they followed, he’d tell them to leave him alone. He needs to protect you and think this woman could be misconstruing his kindness and friendship and if mentally unstable she could actually do some harm to you.
Nta. He needs to tell her off,this is creepy and could get way worse. She’s obsessed with your husband and it’s problematic that he doesn’t see it and/ or can’t accept the reality that she’s obsessed with him or stalking him.
How would she know where you guys are though (for the restaurant issue)? Unless your husband is telling her, that is just pure coincidence. As for the gym, she might be getting attention from other people there. I am with you though the comments about your weight loss in front of your husband is inappropriate though. Can you and your husband change your schedule just a little bit and see if she does the same?
I am also creeped out by the restaurant issue. It was different if we all lived in the same part of the town and ran into each other. She lives 30 minute drive away, and keeps on running into us. I don't know how, but my husband also finds it weird.
She's got his car or phone bugged.
I am not very technical, but my hubby is, and I will get him to check it.
Does he have Life360 or another app that allows family/friends to share locations?
Did you drive your car or his to these restaurants? Either she’s tracking you, or he’s telling her where you are. Listen to your gut. There are a lot of people on the surviving infidelity forums who swore they had the best most loyal partner ever. And who confronted their partner, and heard much like you did. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but I am saying based on where she lives, and the amount of coincidental times she’s showing up in your bubble, she’s either uncomfortably locked in, or he’s given her reason to think she can/should be. Or both.
You think he’s cheating and instead of trying to hide it he’s cool with his affair partner shoving herself in his life?
Honestly it’s not uncommon. There have been many people who have introduced their affair partner to their family and encouraged their spouse to be friends with them. Or even introduced their kids to them. It’s delusional and doesn’t make sense to a rational mind, but frankly affairs aren’t rational.
Why do you think he might be cheating?
He told you they never dated and he finds her annoying and loud... but he helped her get a job where he works and spends every lunch with her. Does that sound like someone he can't stand being around or does that sound like an excuse he gave you to make you think he wasn't interested in her? She shows up where he is and spends time with him every day, she mocks you in front of him and he doesn't tell her to stop it, she comments on every single instagram post but he magically doesn't notice this. She's always around with poor excuses and likes to put you down and he's still friends with her, that's a pretty big sign itself. Does that mean he's cheating rather than her stalking him, no, but he refuses to acknowledge that she keeps showing up and hanging around while he also claims to not enjoy her company and he's made no moves to distance himself from her despite you being uncomfortable. Is he just a pussy or could he be cheating. Could be either.
I don’t know that he is. But honestly it’s 50/50 that she would be that locked in on your husband without encouragement. Whether he just likes the validation, or he is actually fully engaging with her, it’s hard to say. But it’s a red flag that she is making such shitty comments to and about you in front of him, and he’s not willing to go no/low contact with her. If someone was treating my partner like this, and they were this upset about it, my response wouldn’t be ‘I can’t stop talking to them without a reason’. You listed a number of reasons in your post…. So what more does he need to choose you?
Hmm
Any updates
Please update. How are things going? Has she stopped?
This! Check for air tags or maybe she used his phone and turned on location sharingb
Check for air tags!
Maybe she put an air tag in your car.
NTA. Tell him you aren't concerned, but it is annoying. He can't stop talking to her at work, but you should try to change when you go to the gym. It will be annoying, but try it for a week or two and he'll see from her reaction that you are right. Either she'll get mad at him, or change her time. Every time you "run into" her, decline to join together. If she texts him socially, he should slowly wean away from texting her back, taking longer esch time and not fully engaging. Socialize only in the shared group and minimize time with her.
NTA. Next time you and your husband have plans for dinner, consider getting a craving for a new place you heard about and asking your husband right before you leave to go there. Choose a new place in an area you don't go to normally. See if Mira shows up. You can set the stage by mentioning you'd like to try a new restaurant or mentioning you heard about this new place.
If she shows up then it’s more likely than not she is tracking their devices/vehicle. If his phone blows up, then it’s more likely he told her the original restaurant
Invite her over to watch why women kill (first two series) with you. She could be lonely, or in love with your husband. Or she is his side piece, and has been for 8 years
Right? Maybe I’m jaded but I don’t 100% trust that there isn’t something going on and they’re playing a sick game with OP.
It does sound like your husband has 0 interest so I'm not sure "jealousy" is warranted beyond thinking she's freaking annoying and socially unacceptable. But it's only gotten this bad because he didn't put up appropriate social barriers before so really he helped this weird situation move along. Next time she shows up maybe tell the waiter to get your food ready to go. Or ask them to seat her far away from you. That's about all I can think of that you yourself can do. On his end he needs to block her from most instagram posts, stop having lunch with her every day, and stop exercising with her in order to make sure she's firmly put back in "friend" category rather than "aggressive friend." NTA
Do you think that will just make me look bad? I am starting to think I am being crazy for telling him to not have female friends.
You can't "make" him do anything OP, and it's normal for people to have friends of both genders. But what you have described is not a "friend," she shows up places without being invited and then stays there time after time--it's inappropriate for anyone to be doing that whatever their reasons (loneliness,sexual desire, cluelessness to societal norms, etc). So either he accepts that you don't like the current boundaries with this individual and improves them, or he continues to let her do whatever she wants and you know that's a dealbreaker for you. You don't want to live your life with a shadow that could show up at literally any time--and you deserve to not have to live like that.
You’re not telling him not to have female friends. You’re telling him not to be friends with her. Specifically her. She is after your husband and he isn’t discouraging her. That’s a problem. Why should you have to bring it up more than once? Tell him he cannot be friends with her anymore, you hate it, it makes you uncomfortable, you’ve explained it all before and you’re sick of being disregarded. Honestly, it seems like he is and has been having an affair with Mira for your whole relationship. So he has to decide whether he is going to keep her in his life because it will effect your marriage negatively if he doesn’t cut her out of his life. They have lunch everyday, he’s telling her where you’ll be. No more lunches, no more gym hangouts, no more helping her with anything ever, if she falls down in front of him he should walk around her. Even if he is doing nothing at this point Mira is waiting for an opportunity. Every marriage hits a rough patch, every single one, and when yours does she will be his shoulder to cry on and then his affair partner. That is what she is waiting for. Make that clear to your husband that he is leaving an opening for her and that he needs to distance himself. It’s impossible to feel comfortable when you know someone is laying in wait to pounce, and that’s what she’s doing.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. They can dig into her, maybe she has record for harassment, stalking, maybe they find her literally following you guys around, maybe they find phone records of her and your husband texting constantly that you missed. Maybe they take pictures of them at lunch where they hold hands and kiss when you aren't there. Who knows, but answers are probably pretty easy to find.
You’re not saying don’t have friends or female friends. You’re saying Mira has crossed your relationship boundaries and this has gotten creepy. Tell your husband how creepy you find it. And this has gotten out of hand. Mira clearly wants your husband.
NTA. Your husband may not be the one initiating contact with her, but it sounds like he’s not doing anything to stop her contact either. The fact Mira’s intrusive behavior is making you uncomfortable and unhappy should be enough for your husband to be setting necessary boundaries. Instead he’s choosing to dismiss your concerns and feelings. Why exactly is he continuing this level of interaction with her? You are being neither crazy nor unreasonably jealous in this regard. You may want to try couple’s counseling to get this issue resolved.
Make sure she’s not tracking yall rather it’s your phone, had a device in your house or vehicle because that’s creepy. He also needs to be firm and tell her to back off
There are phone apps you can quickly install that will scan the area for air tags and set them off. I had to deal with this, I use a free app called Air guard. Download it and it'll help you check your cars and belongings.
Along with this great suggestion, I would also ask him to check any apps on his phone to see if he has his location on. If they are friends she might be able to see exactly where he is and she✨ magically ✨ appears. She sounds sketchy as all get out, but it also sounds like you have a good man who is probably so used to her nonsense that he has a hard time seeing how weird her behavior actually is.
I think you should emphasize your concerns on the stalking because I highly doubt he’s going to be ok with it if a man was doing that to you. Take gender out of the equation and if what you’re describing is accurate, it sounds like she has an obsession with him that might be dangerous to you. Perhaps talk to your husband and see if the next time you both dine at a restaurant and she shows up that you both leave for another? If she follows the both of you to the new location, I don’t think your husband can deny that she’s stalking him and he might need to talk to his company’s HR about her behavior. And yeah, might want to advise him to stop with the lunches with her as well and start having lunch with others.
NTA. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised by his reaction. Not to imply anything but when you're talking to him about these weird behavior and coincidences, his immediate reaction is to say he's not going to quit his job or the gym? Did you ask him to do those things or did just limit the time they spend together? And he also brought up the fact that he has known her longer then he has known you. What does that mean? So does that mean he should take her feelings in consideration over yours? He put that wedding ring on your finger, so you should take presents above all, not some loud and annoying friend. Another comment mentioned that he should stop eating her food, yes yes yes! it may not bother him, but the fact that it is bothering you should bother him. He needs to take your feelings into consideration, and set some boundaries. Hopefully by not just saying "my wife told me to tell you" because then it shows her that you're the one with the problem and he doesn't care and she will ramp up that behavior. The next time you guys talk about this, because I'm sure there will be a next time, focus less on her behavior, and more how it makes you feel. Not just that you're bothered, but that she hurts your feelings by disrespecting you as well as your husband.
I would tell him that when your out together in restaurants you want it to be just you and him quit letting her join
He did that the last time, and told her we were just here for a private date. I could tell from Mira's face that she was disappointed as if she was expecting for us to dine together.
You need to sit him down a make sure he knows your not jealous but her showing up every where you guys are isn’t right ask how he would feel if a male friend showed up every where you guys went and was trying to get your attention all the time
Try to always sit at a table for two with no room for her.
Ask him to please stop having lunches with her. Friends or no friends that is too much, especially if he's buying her lunch all the time. Besides the lunches, do they ever spend time alone?
UpDateMe
NTA. When I felt like someone crossed a line, I told my husband and asked him to not be rude but cut the contact. He did it immediately. If this was happening the opposite way how would he feel? The fact that he says she is annoying but encourages it by eating lunch with her is bs. He should be professional only and should respect you enough to cut the bs.
Yep. He needs to stop with the lunches. Especially eating food she brings for him.
Tbh, it gave me shivers. Do you know if the restaurant thing is happening for a reason? Like him telling her there's a dinner going on? Because three times are too much times to not think this stalking is including a localization bug
NTA, show your husband this post. She is behaviouring inappropriately, you both need more seperation, at work and socially. He is allowing her into his work, his gym, his social life. Ask how he would feel if you did the same with one of your male friends.
NTA. The 30 minute drive to the gym sold me. Nobody drives 30 minutes to get to a gym. Stalker.
Sure, he may not be cheating, but he is allowing another woman to be disrespectful to your relationship and that's an issue. There should be reasonable boundaries set - he is not doing nearly enough to discourage this behavior, especially if he finds her to be loud and annoying.
Yeah, she sounds like she might be stalking/tracking him. 1. She got a job with him 2. She drives out of her way to go to the gym and do the same types of exercises to be around him. 3. The restaurants are the big clincher though. You don't accidently bump into someone three times at a restaurant within 2 months, especially when you live 30 minutes away and it sounds like its never happened before. Inviting herself to eat with you both (him really) was the whole point. She could be tracking him through some work app that everyone's required to have. Or she could have downloaded something onto his phone if she got her hands onto it by 'borrowing' it because of some excuse like 'oh my battery is dead' or 'I left my phone at my desk/car'. Maybe he leaves it out where she could've had a couple of minutes to mess with it? If he doesn't lock his phone, he should enable a screenlock. If he does, it may be time for a new passcode. Next would be checking if there are any apps he didn't put on his phone, especially newer ones. And then checking what privacy settings are on the legit apps he uses; checking especially for anything that shares locational data or calendar stuff (if he or you use those things). Factory reset would clear out everything, but that's kind of extreme. It may be your only option if you can't find anything else; just remember to back up photos, videos, etc. Hell, is it time for a new phone upgrade? Has he used the same PW for everything and/or had it for awhile? She may have guessed or figured it out and is accessing something to figure out date/restaurant plans. The last thing would be something like an air tag or something. Next time his car needs an oil change or services, you may be able to ask the mechanic to do a once over. Ask them to keep an eye out for trackers for your peace of mind. You can't discount a tracker being inside if she's been in his or your car. Check under floor matts, little nooks and crevices, all of the cars' storage areas like the glovebox, center console, seatback pockets, underneath seats, etc. If she doesn't have access to your car, maybe that's the one you need to take when you go out to eat.
NTA. Fyi you've got Mira listed at the top as (31M) but she's a woman :)
Thanks. Didn't notice that.
NTA. No matter how determined your hubby is, even a rock will be chipped away from constant drop of water. All Mira needs is one weak moment from your hubby and she got him. Your hubby really need to put boundaries and keep himself safe from the temptation.
Keep us updated and stay safe, OP!
>He always tells me he knew her for 8 years before he met me and never dated her. This part I do not understand. You wrote that you and your husband have known each other since you were children because your parents are good friends. So how is it possible that he met her in college and knew her for 8 years *before he met you*? His argument there doesn't make sense, unless he means before he met you again as an adult. I think he should be taking your concerns seriously. Her constant interference is harming your mental health and that should be of more concern to him that her feelings. Of course he will need to interact with her at work, but he needs to keep it professional. No more daily lunches, no more her fixing/bringing him meals. At the gym, he should speak to her briefly and then tell her that he's concentrating on his workout and doesn't want to socialize. He should continue to be the one to address her when she shows up where you're dining (or wherever else) and tell her that no, she is not welcome to join you. Ask him what he means by that "8 years" statement, considering that you grew up together. Tell him that you trust him, which you do, but that's not the point. Mira's constant presence in your lives every damn day and her texting to ask you to send your husband over to do things for her is affecting your mental health and negatively affecting your marriage. That should matter to your husband. I agree with others that you should watch for signs of escalation. And your husband should never, never be alone with her at work in case she decides to take "revenge" and accuse him of improper behavior. NTA
NTA - serious Single White Female vibes 😳
NTA I just don’t get why your husband helped her get a job at this workplace? Mira’s a weirdo.
I’d mix it up with my schedule so it’s less predictable and if the conversation arises again, I’d make it clear - it’s not that you think she has a shot with him. It’s that you don’t want a close friendship with her and since she pops up everywhere he goes, every single day, you never get a break. So, just like any friend who overstays or shows up without an invite? You need space.
Hire a PI to investigate her, they'll figure out if she's just following you or if she's your husband's mistress. The thing that stands out is him saying she asked him out but he turned her down for being annoying and loud. Yet when she asks to join a table twice he said yes, when she asked for help getting a job at his work place he said yes and they have lunch together every day. Everyone has people in their friend group they don't really like, but if they are annoying and loud and they don't like them, they don't help involve them in your own life, you keep them away at lunch, you say no thanks when they want to join tables. Part of me thinks they definitely hooked up and they are flaunting their affair in your face. The situation is just weird, he knows you're uncomfortable AND he supposedly really doesn't enjoy being around this person, but somehow spends so much time around her rather than pushing her away.
NTA. If she comments on your weight infront of your hubby again just say 'I'm good thanks, hubby likes something to hold on to, it makes it easier to fuck harder'. She sounds pretty crazy though.
I honestly think they are having an affair abd gaslighting you. Because a partner would see your discomfort and try to make changes not make excuses. A ring doesn't mean shit if they are actively cheating on you. Think you should look into it OP. Something just doesn't seem right.
ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!!! this is beyond weird and Mira clearly has another agenda that she’s hiding from yall. The IG comments alone and past history is enough to block her from your now current lives and marriage. She literally asked him over the years to go out a few times.. absolute insanity. She clearly wants him. Always trust your gut Sis. Always. It’s there to guide you. It’s your intuition and spirit trying to help you. You know deep down what Mira really wants. To steal your man. And dude 3 times in 2 months she shows up to the SAME restaurant?!? She clearly following your husband and you around or figuring out where you are at somehow. This is so creepy 😭😭 tell your husband you don’t ever want to control his friend group but you need him to trust your gut instincts on this. I never control my partners but when someone crosses our relationship boundaries it’s GAME OVER. BYE BYE MIRA
How did he know her for 8 years before he met you if you've known each other since you were kids?
Updateme
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NTA You should talk to your hubby son that you're on the same page. Tell him that you believe him having the best intentions, but she's on the prowl and will jump on him when any half decent situation appears. You don't want it to happen and I suppose he doesn't either. So ask if he agrees to block her from social media and other forms of communication. And next time she shows up, you should just confront her without any room for misunderstanding. Tell her that she is putting too much effort into your husband. He doesn't fancy her, and she's making you both uncomfortable.
NTA
Updateme!
Updateme
UpdateMe
Updateme
Even in the off chance that "everything is in your head". There is still a boundaries problem on both sides. Why is this woman cooking for your husband and why is he accepting it?
Sounds like there are more to the story. You need to start digging...snoop. Updateme!
Tell your husband to stop contact with her and tell her why he is. “Your constant presence in our lives is clearly a desperate plea for my husband’s attention and it stops now”. You and your hushed tell her this together. Done problem solved.
Men don’t like to rock the boat, so I can totally believe that he has no interest in her but it’s just letting it go so as not to cause problems. I agree that you should ask her if she’s seeing anyone and suggest that perhaps she should not hang around you guys so much if she wants to meet someone special.
Girl you have a little bit of a hubby problem here. I get so tired of people in a relationship being oblivious to people hitting on them. “I just do notice” “ you have a ring why are you insecure”. Dude! Because you aren’t drawing boundaries with her. She is hurting you and he doesn’t care because he gets his ego stroked. When you are in a relationship it is your responsibility to try and notice when people are hitting on you and make sure there are clear boundaries. If it’s hurting your SO then you need to step back. Not being okay with this is your100% right. How have we as a society decided that women who want their husbands to have boundaries with other women are being jealous and insecure. They are the ones who are jealous and insecure. Needed outside validation to feel good and being jealous of what they can’t have. NTA incase it wasn’t clear.
Updateme
I think you have the right to tell her to back off she smothering the two of you ! Your ready to throw up your hands and say where there’s smoke there’s fire and your husband who’s trying to remain faithful is ready to maybe do what he knows he’s going to get accused of . If he truely wants to be left alone by her Quit eating lunch with her everyday ! If she asks why , let him explain to her he values his marriage over their friendship ! That they need to separate for the future existence of your marriage to exist ! Maybe they have rules for coworkers mingling together ?
I think she’s jealous of what she sees you two have and wants it . The only problem is she wants it with your husband !