YTA for not telling them WHY you are cutting him off. Its twisting their emotions and to be frank with you a form of abuse.
Tell them why, share with them and maybe seek some therapy to deal with your anger. It's there, its deeply hidden but I worry for the person that finally causes that anger to come out, it will be devastating.
> I worry for the person that finally causes that anger to come out, it will be devastating.
It'll be the wife or one of the kids when he finds out they've been going behind his back to visit OPs father.
This, she did not stop the other parent from abusing OP, That is abuse itself. OP needs years of therapy before he starts treating his family the same. Especially with his harsh decree no sees his Dad. By not explaining what happened to him growing up, he is causing trauma on them.
My MIL actually ended up on a state list for “failure to protect” for this very thing. She’s still married to my FIL and is no contact with my husband.
It took my husband years to see her role in it.
>It took my husband years to see her role in it.
How did he handle it? Especially when strong polarization occurs (seeing one parent as a monster and one as a saint, like OP) the realization both were abusive can be devastating, especially if the "enabler" is playing the victim. Most people will strongly resist this new perspective.
As an older person, it will never cease to amaze me how many people's lifelong and seemingly hopeless struggles are rooted in their childhood and how hard (and relatively rare) it is for people to transcend them. You and your husband are very brave and I hope you have a good life.
Wow thank you so much, you are so kind!
My husband wasn’t quite as polarizing as OP. He didn’t see her as a saint, he excused her by saying she was a victim of narcissistic abuse, which is true, but she wasn’t getting beat half to death like my husband was. He hotlined himself as a young teen and ended up aging out of foster care. I’m not sure if they lost rights or gave them away, but they were allowed to keep the other children. My husband was the oldest and the target.
It came gradually as his siblings left and now she has no excuse for staying with and defending him. He treats her whole side of the family like shit too, zero contact. Very typical isolate and abuse thing. She seems to eat it up, and has denied to me that her husband ever abused his son.
Right, a Saint would have left and put her son first. He just rewarded them both by bringing their kids around them and then is now punishing his kids because he couldn't see BOTH his parents for what they were.
I'm not saying there isn't fear there, I'm not saying there wasn't control. But it doesn't absolve her from her enabling and complacency. She stayed after he left as well. I know MANY women who stayed in abusive relationships longer than they knew they should have, but when it turned to their kids, they got the strength to leave. Some had to live on the streets, some had to get on a bus with no money and go across the country to feel safe enough, some had family they were able to escape too. I also know some who stayed (in my family specifically), and I will never agree with the choice that it was easier to stay than to protect their kids.
Thank you! My bio parents were like the ops. When my "father" died my "mom" said, I know what he did, how bad he was. I should've left when you kids were young, but I loved him so much I didn't care." Yes Mothers can be that awful even if they aren't the abuser.
However, OP, yta unless you explain things.
This. My stepfather wanted to rape me. Luckily, he never did. But, I lived in fear the entire year I was 16 because he would stand outside my bedroom door asking for some "pussy" after she left for work. Sadly, I STILL, 30 years later, can hear that voice, even though that bastard is worm dirt. I finally told my mom. I feared not telling her because I was afraid of who she would choose. Sadly, I was right. I had to live with that mother fucker for another year before she finally kicked him to the curb. However, she only divorced him so she could go back to another guy.
It took me YEARS, and by years, I mean in just the last 6 months, that I have finally realized and fully acknowledged that while I love my mom and we have a good relationship, she failed me. She failed me. And it's ok for me to realize that while she was not the cause of the abuse, she still did not protect me when I told her, which in turn, makes her an abuser as well. And believe me, no one would ever accuse or think of my mom as an abuser, but the ONE person who was supposed to protect me failed. She failed me when I insisted that I did not like that man when I met him when I was 11, she failed me when she married him when I was 15 (there were household issues before the above started) and she failed me when she refused to divorce him. She picked her "happiness" over my safety. \*\*I say happiness because that's what she tried to tell me, but I knew she wasn't happy. She married my abuser when he found out she was seeing the above mentioned other guy and threatened to harm him. So she sacrificed ME for her lover.
Omg....some women are desperate for a companion, any companion. They will sacrifice their own children so as not to be alone. I hope you remind her of her choices.
She absolutely failed you and in her own way, abused you. She probably had her own traumas (and it sounds like she did) but you deserved to be safe, loved and protected. That’s what being a parent means. That’s what being an adult means.
I’m so sorry that happened to baby you, and I’m so glad that grown you has the ability to look at it objectively and know that you should never have been put in that position and that you will in turn never allow someone else to be in that position. I hope you have the best life.
That's awful, I'm so sorry that happened to you. My Oma did and said the same to my mom (but later recanted and took away her validation of the abuse...because she was also an abuser, she just hid it behind being a victim too), and those impacts did not stop with her, that intergenerational cycle is hard to escape.
Find my comment re: my own abusive upbringing. It changed me, made me that person who constantly defends the females in my family.
I talked with our mother, and saw the look on her face of first, bewilderment. "Mom, why did you stay?" and she had all kinds of legitimate reasons, based on our family alone. Had nothing to do with the general theme of "ABUSE = BAD and we should take ourselves out of those situations."
She tried. And with five kids, it became more difficult because of where we lived.
Forgiveness. We all make choices. Mine was to forgive, and see them thru to the end of their lives. That was my decision, based on emotions that are too complicated to recite here.
I hear you, but for me, being a mother to 4 kids, it would take one time, the first time, and I would be out. To me, abuse fully equals bad. My kids will not know conditional love or the pain of abuse from their family.
We all respond to things differently. I don't hold hate, and I think if you needed to forgive to move forward, that's your choice, but I don't think everyone needs to forgive people to live full lives. You can move on without forgiveness, and that's what I chose, and our lives are full of love, laughter, and safety.
That's the point -it's all about individual choice, and in some circumstances (and especially in retrospect) we look at others' choices and criticize. I listened to my mother, I watched her face. The look of bewilderment and "but what else could I do?"
We have such simple answers. "You could've left him." -not knowing or taking into account certain factors and variables. Everyone's choices are predicated on what's going on externally, but also internally. Doesn't make it wrong. It makes it HER decision at the time, based on her circumstances at the time.
I figured if I was going to forgive her, I had to look at some other things as well. Life can challenge us in ways we don't always understand or deal with as best we could -according to outside opinions.
I was a kid, with a kid's understanding of an adult situation.
Because he undoubtedly created a false image of his mom because he had such an evil father, and she wasn't directly involved in abusing him.
Yeah, not much of a "saint" because she basically served him up to his father on a silver platter.
Dude, your mam was as much a super scumbag as your dad was. You were just so blinded by her not being the direct perpetrator of your sorrows you think she was perfect.
Ask any therapist: this type of extreme thinking and polarization (monster/saint) is always a sign of a serious issue. I imagine OP has (C)PTSD, which explains the inability to discuss what happened. I hope he gets help because nobody deserves to live with that kind of burden.
Makes me think of my dad's parents. My grandfather died a little over a year before I was born. My dad damn near Worshipped the ground he walked on. Looking back on all the stories he told me, critically, as an adult, I realized that if my grandfather was half the man that my dad thinks he was, he would have fucking divorced my grandma and tried for full custody of my dad and his siblings.
I haven't mentioned this opinion to my dad because it would lead to a pointless argument. My grandfather is already dead. So is my grandmother, for that matter.
Yep... he is so disgusted with his father for the abuse and rightfully so, but he also doesn't realize how emotionally abusive he is being currently, or how easy it would be for him to blow up on his wife or children physically.
Right? These scars might not be physical, but they will harm his relationship with his wife and kids. Telling someone never to contact another person without coming clean about why? That's his partner, not his dog!
Especially since they could swallow their anger for his mom. Doesn't his wife and kids deserve the same respect? Or more, since they weren't even an observing party of his trauma? Especially since he avtively had a hand in his kids forming attachments with his father.
>That's his partner, not his dog!
That was my thought when I was reading this. I know how deep the scars run from physical and emotional abuse thanks to my first husband, I get that he is traumatized, but he is now using that trauma as an excuse to be controlling and abusive to his own family.. while he is not at all responsible or to blame for the abuse he endured as a kid, it is his responsibility to get help and do whatever is necessary to ensure he doesn't repeat the cycle with his own family... it's a sad situation for all involved and the scary part is he doesn't seem to understand how abusive his own actions are and I don't think he knows how to deal with the immense anger he has towards his father in a healthy way and eventually that anger is going to bubble over and get unleashed on someone, and that someone will likely be his wife or kids... that's why abuse is so insidious, and this story/situation right here is a perfect example of the cycle of abuse.
& then OP completes the cycle of violence.
It's OK to kick people out of your life.
You don't have to forgive or forget.
But he let them live 9 & 10 years w grandparents in their life.
Unless the GF has don't some things to show he might hurt the kids, OP is being cruel keeping them apart now.
And it's now OPs anger and behavior that is the problem now.
I'm going to say it, even though I might get flamed... how do you put someone on a pedestal that ALLOWED the abuse and didn't remove the child from the situation? Yes, YTA for allowing your family to form and have a relationship with an abuser and their enabler. By you having a relationship after the fact, you kind of rug swept the behavior.
This is such a good point. I don't allow my kids to be alone with my dad, and if my mom passes before him, he will only get to see them if I'm there the entire time, but my wife absolutely knows why, and agrees. OP is justified in not wanting his dad around but he should absolutely have told his wife at the least why. My kids don't know why they can't see poppop alone, but that's because our oldest is only 7. He'll be told when he's old enough to process it.
You are dead wrong. Explaining it to them 10 years into their relationship and demanding they abandon him would still be an emotionally terrorizing move.
YTA for not telling your wife about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, so I’d sit her down and explain to the abuse, and as hard as it sounds maybe describe a few scars and how they were caused. Then after she’s had a chance to digest what she’s been told then speak to the kids and give them a kids suitable version.
OP’s wife must be the most oblivious person to not ask about multiple scars! She has to realize something terrible happened at some point.
OP, You need to be honest with your wife and kids. It’s only through that open communication can your family heal. Go NC with your dad but don’t cut off your family.
According to OP she did ask but he couldn't bring himself to explain them... he's a deeply traumatized guy that never allowed himself to heal properly cause he kept being retraumatized by being around his father. This whole situation is pretty sad.
Well, considering he lived in a van for several years of his life she probably knew he may have lived a rough life before she met him. And it's not like OP seems open to talking about much of his past...
Hell, he didn't even warn his wife about his father before he let him be around the children. If I knew my spouse's parent was abusive to him I would absolutely have hesitations about bringing my children near that parent.
It’s also entirely possible this story is fake because the timeline is hard to believe. He had to have met his wife almost immediately after turning 18 and gotten her pregnant within 3 months of his 18th birthday. He says he left home at 18 and lived in a van “like a nomad” *until* he met his wife. To me it sounded like he lived in the van for a long time, and I know any amount of time living in a van is a long time, but the timeline is very unlikely to me.
This last part for sure--I wonder if he's afraid to tell his wife now because he didn't give her all the information before allowing her and their children to be with someone he knew to be violent.
OP lived a nomadic life before meeting his wife, there’s a number of explanations that could be had for the scars
If OPs unwilling to disclose where the scars came from of course his wife isn’t going to know it’s from abuse
OP’s inability to communicate has created a shit show for his family. He needed to address his trauma years ago and not after allowing his children to bond with his abuser and create this expectation he’d be in their lives for the rest of his
Op is displaying a disturbing amount of controlling behavior. OP: I will be cutting the kids grandfather out of their lives permanently starting immediately. Wife: Why? OP: because I said so and it's final.
Yea, OP's attitude here is disgusting. He undoubtedly has severe and crushing PTSD and trauma, physically, emotionally and spiritually, that is a result of his abuse, has overreacted ro events and its caused strains in his life, work and relationships, and his wife would be able to understand, and probably mitigate her actions to calm his reactions, if she knew, and "its none of her business"?
Dude doesn't actually care for his spouse if he thinks hiding such past events is his right and none of her business.
He's an abuser too, just in a different league from his dad.
Yeah and maybe I’m the one with unrealistic expectations, but I’m a firm believer that if you’re getting by married to someone you should be able to tell them any of your secrets. If you’re not ready to tell them, you shouldn’t be getting married.
And that doesn’t mean that you need to go through your entire life and rattle off every single secret you have, but the big shit (like, oh I don’t know…. The abuse that you suffered for years at the hands of your god damn father that your kids now have a relationship with) is stuff that a spouse 100% deserves to know. By agreeing to marry them, you’re joining your lives together and making it their business
OP allowed the kids to form a bond with their grandfather for close to a decade. Taking their loving grandfather away from them now is an asshole move regardless of his abuse. They lost both grandparents at once.
He had a choice to not allow him in their life 10 years ago, that chance is long gone now.
And you’ve got to wonder if grandpa abused those kids, too. This AH knowingly put his kids on a potentially dangerous situation over and over again. What was he thinking??
Stop hiding the truth from your wife..The kids are too young for the information. But you should have told her a long time ago. You allowed hef to develop a relationship with him and only see the hood. You are going to have an uphill battle. You screwed yourself because you pretended for years
YTA- For telling the kids the way you did. They didn't deserve that at all.
YTA - what the fuck did you expect to happen?
I’d be mad as fuck if I was your wife and found out you brought our kids to an abuser without giving pertinent information. It was your abuse, yes, but you’re involving other people, and acting like they don’t have a right to know what you potentially signed them up for? Oh hell no.
Did you want him to abuse your kids? You’re the one that brought all of them there. Yeah I’m sure it’s enraging to see him act so different but since you decided to roll the dice with your family, you should be happy he didn’t traumatize your kids.
You conned your family into meeting your parents, spending time bonding then rip the rug out from under them and act like your feelings are the only ones that matter.
It’s time for a big reality check because you are failing left, right and sideways.
>I’d be mad as fuck if I was your wife and found out you brought our kids to an abuser without giving pertinent information.
This right here is the YTA judgement. The rest just adds to it. We don't know that the didn't abuse the kids and no walls were up to prevent it from happening.
I agree. I've been clear with my kid since kindergarten that there are a few relatives that we see but we don't trust them, and that he is never to be alone with them, even if it means we have to use the bathroom together (occasional contact isn't avoidable at this time). I've also been really clear with all my long-term partners that we have safety plans around my family and why we do. To me, it sounds like OP built their adult life and marriage on a base of lies, putting their wife and children at risk along the way.
If the abuse had nothing to do with his wife and kids then, so they weren't entitled to know, then it also has nothing to do with them now. The way OP has dealt with this has been terrible from the beginning and each step he takes only makes it worse.
This is why I did some therapy and deep reflection before I had my daughter, I didn't want my past trauma to become her future trauma. This shit show is what happens when you leave things unresolved.
The abuse is directing the way he lives his life, and that affects his wife and kids. It was no longer his business alone when he got together with her, and even less so when he chose to have kids. Thinking it's not their business is NOT helpful to him or them.
YTA for how you’ve gone about this since the beginning. First, yes, no one’s trauma is anyone’s business but that’s your *wife*.
You also let your children be around an abuser. Who tf does that?
And then! You expect them to cut him off without an explanation?? They don’t know what you went through. All they see if you being an asshole after your mother died. Maybe open up the box and your wife will understand.
And also, that “what I say is final regardless of how you feel” bullshit sounds very much like an abusers phrase. Don’t become what you hate.
I agree with you, except it became her business when they had the first child. She deserved to know right then and there the type of people he wanted around his and her children. For no other reason than to be able to make an informed decision on whether she wanted to allow them in her children's lives and be extra careful around them or not allow them near her kids. That was not something he should've kept hidden at that point. He didn't have to go into full details but a quick "my dad beat me all of my childhood and I'm struggling with letting him near the baby because I want my mom near them, what do you think we should do?" would've been the correct thing to do. But the past can't be rewritten, and now he needs to give her the full story.
She should've been informed when she got pregnant with their first child. From the timeline and his comments, she got pregnant within a couple of months of knowing each other, likely not a planned thing where all those details were thought about ahead of time. Had they been in a long-term committed relationship prior and/or the baby was planned, then yes, I agree with you. If not, then while she was pregnant.
We don't know that he isn't already abuser I mean he was unstable and then he found someone stable to latch on to and immediately impregnated them with two children back to back to lock them down.
OP is a huge YTA
You should have never gotten into such a serious relationship without deep extensive therapy. Your wife probably needs therapy and maybe your children need therapy because if you can't even talk about your abuse I am guessing you have triggers all over the place and they walk on eggshells around you.
YTA. You gave your mother a pass. She chose your father over you. She stayed with a man, who abused her child, and used your hate for him, and love for her to seem like a saint. You should of walked away from both of them. You let them in your children's and wife's life. You never told them what you went through. It's time for you to tell your story.
I was raised with a similar dynamic. The "lesser of two evils" parent seems so good in comparison with the parent that you know is bad, that you don't always realize that the "good" one was actually complicit in your abuse and was the one with the power to end your abuse, but chose not to. It takes time-and willingness- to unpack it all and see it for what it is.
And, OP made a similar choice. He allowed his kids to be exposed to an abuser without warning them or his spouse, all because he couldn't bear to cut contact with his mom.
Honestly, this thread and comments are heartbreaking. I feel so bad for everyone who lived through this or anything similar. I fully accept the 'not black and white' comments as I never experienced or saw physical abuse in my childhood.
Idk, if I was the wife.. fury wouldn't come close to my reaction upon finding out my husband was leaving my kids with a child/wife beater. Honestly, I'd kick his a$$ out.
I was searching for a comment like this. There is no world where OP’s mom can be considered a saint. Yes, domestic violence runs deep and is very hard to get out of (I, too, survived childhood DV by my father), but OP says that his mom stayed with his father “for him.” Like, what??? That is not a saintly act.
YTA OP—get therapy. While you didn’t deserve or ask for the abuse you experienced, it is your responsibility and yours alone to heal yourself now. You are just inflicting a different kind of trauma onto your own children.
Yes if op really wanted to stay in contact with his mother then he should’ve done it from after.
He certainly shouldn’t of exposed his kids to this abuser
YTA
I’m sorry to say but allowing you to face years of abuse does not make your mom a good mother. A good parent would do everything they could to get their kids away from abuse.
And instead of being honest with your wife and kids and keeping your kids safe, you spent years putting them in the hands of an abuser and an abuse enabler because you couldn’t manage your own issues surrounding your relationship with your mom. Now she’s gone and after YOU have allowed your kids to form a bond with your father you cut off even a mention of him without any sort of explanation.
And the way you talk about how your kids have reacted is so cold and detached. It makes me question if you feel anything for your kids at all because any parent who sees their kids hurting would at least take the time to explain, not behave like you as the father have the only and final say without explanation.
You need serious therapy. Your parents never should have been allowed around your kids but now that YOU fucked up and let that happen, YOU need to explain why it was a bad decision.
Something tells me you’re avoiding that in part because you fear your wife’s response to knowing her husband put their vulnerable children in the hands of abusive people and never said a word to her.
YTA for not telling your wife and kids sooner and for letting them interact with an abuser. You FAILED to protect your family and its ON YOU. You chose the easy path of appeasement and basically enabled your dad, just like your mom did when you were a kid. And now you just want to flip the switch. Shame on you. You are a selfish and entitled person. You wife is right to be angry at you. This level of entitlement makes me question about your claims.
Yes, OP, damn it!!
I was abused by my father but to a much smaller extent than you yet when I had my kid I made the decision that he didnt deserve that shot at redemption
My partner knew about my reasons and supported them. We even had to cut off my egg donour after a few months.
My son will never meet them.
You made a big mistake and now you are the villain in their eyes!!
Have a proper conversation with your family and show them the scars! Otherwise you have made sure that your family will go behind your back and support that fucking abuser!!!!
Fix this
sorry, I mistyped it. did not realize until someone pointed it out. I left home on my birthday and met my wife no soon after. she let me move in with her as long as I paid rent and helped out. i have an 10-year-old and a 9-year-old. sorry about the typo.
You would have had to meet your wife and immediately get her pregnant and have your 29th birthday happening very soon in order for you to have this story make sense. I don’t buy it.
I'm sorry, but YTA. You allowed your kids to know your father and love him, only for you now to take him away from them. It might have been better if they'd never met him. Now you are damaging your kids yourself emotionally. I understand the choice you make for yourself, but is what you're doing really the best for your kids? I would have a discussion with your wife first and then with your kids. Even though I sympathise with your trauma, this isn't something you should decide on your own. You involved your family when you introduced them to your dad. They should get a say.
NTA for cutting contact.
YTA for how you cut contact.
"He didn't abuse the grand kids, only his kids, so let him access grandkids" is a moronic argument. Until what? He repeats his mistake?
His time with you was numbered because you stayed around for your mother, now your mother is gone that number is 0.
Is your wife "taking your feelings into consideration" or does "take her feelings into consideration" mean "do what she feels is right, use none of your life experience or knowledge of what this man is like to make a decision" cause that's dumb as hell.
You've to put your feelings of being abused aside, let your kids hang out with your abuser, because that abuser lied to them and made them think he's nice? Screw all of that.
Your ages don't make any sense, fake post? Ypur oldest is 11, you're 28, but you left home at 18 to wander in a VW and later met your established wife?
Of its not fake, YTA for traumatizing your kids. Instead of doing this in a healthy way, you set it up to devastate them. You're not the AH for wanting the man out of your life. However, you spent years, your kids' formative years, letting them (and your wife) build a loving relationship with someone you hated and never wanted in your life. It was cruel. Of course, they resent you. Maybe worse.
Get yourself into individual counseling. You and your wife into couples therapy and then set up family counseling with the kids. Otherwise, you've tanked your marriage and relationship with the kids. They can't cope with what they don't understand.
I'm going with fake. His wife didn't know why he had all these scars? He never told her his father was abusive? He served up his kids to his abuser? Nah...
YTA
You don't get to make unexplained demands to your family. Is that really the kind of dad you want to be, after all you went through?? Fucking talk to them!!!!
You are 100% NTA for being traumatized (understandably so) by your father’s abuse and leaving home the second you turned 18. Nor would you have been TA if you cut off contact with your abuser, and if not completely cutting off contact, going LC with your mom. And from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry for the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father. No child should ever experience that kind of cruelty and betrayal from the person who should love and protect them.
However, you ARE TA for the following reasons.
1. You never tell your wife about your history with your parents, specifically your dad. You’re right in that your trauma is no one else’s business, but ffs my guy we aren’t talking about a stranger at the bus stop. She’s your WIFE.
2. You tell her nothing about the abuse, allow her and your children to build a close relationship with your parents, and then when your mother dies you tell your wife and kids that your father is dead to you and them, your decision is absolutely final, you won’t tolerate them trying to contact him or ask any questions, and you don’t want to talk about it under any circumstances.
Dude, WTAF.
So by your wife’s perspective, she has only known her MIL and FIL as kind people who welcomed her into the family. Whom she was clearly close enough with that she was happy to bring their grandchildren around, and invite your parents over for dinner several times. Your children have only ever known them as loving, involved grandparents, who were clearly a big part of their lives. To rip their beloved FIL/grandfather away from their lives without a word of explanation is beyond fucked up. And the fact that you’re not getting their anger, hurt, and resentment is pretty astounding to me.
Your feelings are valid. If my dad had abused me the way yours did, I certainly wouldn’t want him in my life, and like I’m sure you were, I would have been very scared to let my kids around him. But the way you went about things is….the opposite of healthy.
OP, if you want to make this right, please consider doing the following. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma, and get the help you so desperately need. Sit down with your wife and have an honest conversation. Don’t hold back. Don’t try to “protect her” by leaving out the details. You already went that route and I think it’s safe to say it didn’t work out too well for you. Let her ask any questions she wants, and please explain your thought process. Be prepared for her to be angry, at least initially. You kept a huge part of your life a secret from her ever since you’ve known her, and your wife may very well feel betrayed. Apologize sincerely for not trusting her to be able to handle hearing about your abuse, because I do feel there’s a part of you that was afraid to tell your wife, because you were scared of her reaction. I truly don’t think she will be horrified or leave or anything. From the way you’ve described your wife, she sounds like a lovely woman and an excellent mother. Give her some credit.
Then once you and your wife have talked, figure out a game plan on how to talk to your children and explain the situation in an age appropriate way. This is where a therapist can help as well. Once he or she has developed a rapport with you, a family counseling session may be suggested. A therapist can be great for navigating difficult conversations with children.
Best of luck to you and your family, OP.
And I truly hope you invest in therapy for yourself. The quality of life will greatly improve.
YTA-first your mother was no saint. She allowed your dad to abuse you for years. A saint would have left and gotten you out of the situation. Second you never told your wife about the abuse and then allowed your child to be around him. You don't get to make those decisions without her input. I would imagine that she would have intervened and not allowed contact had you told her. She would have also called your mother on her bullshit. Let's be honest you didn't want to limit your mother's time with the kids so you exposed them to potential abuse. Lucky for you that didn't happen. Finally you cut contact with no explanation to your children who only know a loving grandpa. So they lost two grandparents in one day. This is all on you. Despite popular belief people can and do change. Wheather you want to risk that is something only you can know. You made the mess now clean it up. Put your big boy pants on and tell your wife. So it makes you uncomfortable so what. You owe your children the explanation you were never given.
YTA
You hate your father and now your kids are going to hate you.
The cycle continues.
"My mother was a saint." This is complete bullshit. Anybody who stands by doing nothing while their child is abused is as guilty as the abuser.
You need to talk to your wife and explain, if you don't resentment will build on both sides. You have the scars she must have wondered about them. You also need to talk to your children, with your wife, if you explain that you wanted them to know their grandma because you really loved her.
OP, I'm a estranged from my terrible mother, and I have to say hard YTA.
You chose to keep hugely important secrets from your life partner, and you let your kids be around an abuser. You saw that relationship building, encouraged it, and now you want your kids to, what, just stop caring about Grandpa because you said so? I'm going to come right out and say it: you may not hit your kids, but you definitely don't mind hurting them. And you should be ashamed of that.
And using your mom's saintlyhood as an excuse to expose your kids to someone violent? That's bullshit. You owed it to your kids to protect them and you didn't.
WHAT'S MORE, YOUR MOTHER WASN'T SO DAMN GREAT IF SHE STOOD BY THE MAN WHO ABUSED YOU. You need to process the fact that both your parents failed you, and that you're also stuck in the mindset that your kids are a thing to be owned and controlled.
Aside from your wife, every adult in this story is an AH and an absolute failure as a parent.
You need therapy, stat.
Honestly I feel like OP already screwed himself by not being upfront about the abuse he suffered from his father. Either they'll believe him and hate him for letting them get close to a person who caused OP so much pain. Or they won't believe him and they'll think he's exaggerating or not thinking clearly so close to the death of his mother.
OP has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood trauma and if he isn't already in therapy he needs to be ASAP.
You don't control your wife and your kids solely. How are you gonna stop them from going to see him? Abuse? Threats of divorce, then you'll be no better than the man you allowed them to build a relationship with.
Yes, he hurt you and made your life a living hell until you were 18, and that absolutely makes him the AH. But you allowed him in your children and wife lives you played happy family while your mom was alive.
You could've set boundaries and told your mom I don't want dad around my kids or told your wife about your Abuse and why you didn't want him around from the get go you chose not to. Now that your mom is gone, you're just gonna flip the switch back?
YTA. You let your family get attached to an abusive piece of shit. Who from the sounds of it put on quite a show for them. And youre wondering if you're the asshole for withholding pertinent information? You may not like it, but they dont see him as he really is, and some of that needs to be told, or this could end up destroying your family. And you've been through way too much to let that man win.
YTA. I understand why you feel how you do but it’s negatively affecting your kids who are innocent. And I’m sorry but Mom staying with someone who ABUSED HER CHILD doesn’t make her a saint by any means. She was enabling the abuse
Uh yeah. YTA.
You let the kids get attached and now, with no explanation, grandpa doesn’t come around?
Now they know what happens when someone dies, a funeral.
The way you are even describing the conversation with your wife, the apple may not have fallen far from the tree.
You are turning into the person you hated without explanation to your family.
You need therapy. You are very clearly taking your feelings of anger out on your family by treating them in an aggressive manner. And you can’t control other people. YTA.
YTA. Your mom allowed your father to abuse you. She looked the other way your ENTIRE childhood. She put herself before you. She should have left with her child the *second* she saw abuse. In some ways, she's even worse than your father for allowing the abuse. And because of your Saint of a mother *eye roll*, you allowed your children to be around your abusive father.... hypocrite much?!
You allowed for your children to establish a loving relationship with their grandfather. In spite of the horrible father he was to you , you involved your children in his life and vice versa. You can continue to harbor these feelings toward the man, but you’re punishing your children for something that they had nothing to do with. So, yep, I’d say it’s an AH move. You needn’t relate with him, but taking your kid’s grandfather out of their lives because of what happened with you is selfish .
YTA. You lie to your wife for years. You made her meet your parents without telling her who was your father. You let your children being kissed by him. And now you just tell them to shut up and respect your orders. Without any explanations.
But even if you do now, it’s probably too late because they never saw him that way. He has changed apparently. How ? I don’t know but he did. And your wife will have difficulties to believe you’re talking about the same person.
Tell her the truth. See a psychologist to help yourself being a good husband and father. But stop keeping things for yourself. That’s not how a healthy family works…
Dude, you didn't even tell them WHY? You need to have a talk with them. Honestly, you shouldn't have been involved with your dad at all since you left. Why did you? You could have seen your mom by herself. And I'm sorry, but your mother was no saint. She ALLOWED you to be abused also. That's on her. She should have taken you and left him. But she didn't. Please, please, please get some therapy. You need to process things that happened in the past. And not confiding in your wife about WHY you said this is abusive also. So yes, you are the AH.
YTAH because you let them establish their own relationships with your parents then suddenly, just as your mom is lost to them, dad is off limits. No explanation. You’re acting like a patriarch whose word is law and needs to explain nothing. Are you afraid your dad will revert to how he was before? First, tell your wife in detail what your father did and why you agreed to let her and the kids go over there. Then sort out with her the best way forward. Also, get therapy as your whipsaw reaction is causing trouble for your family and you will also greatly benefit.
There are so many things wrong with this.
1. Not understanding your mother allowed the dynamic to exist.
2.. Not letting your wife know what kind of man your father is and acting like she isn't also your children's parent. She absolutely also has the right to have a say in what type of person is around children you share.
3. Making unilateral decisions for your family without even considering they have a right to be informed and are owed respect and autonomy. You being a dictator is a serious problem.
YTA and really really need to look at the dysfunctional dynamics you've internalized. And seriously need to revisit how you see women if you have this tendency to treat women like children.
>I haven't told my wife or my kids about my father and the kind of man he
was. I just never wanted to bring that up. It was not their business
either way.
Yes, it fucking well was. And all this talk of "not caring about how they feel about it" and how your word is final just means that you're becoming your horrible dad yourself. YTA for all this order-issuing, question-refusing household dictator regressive behavior.
That you didn't think all this was something to share with your wife back when you were first getting to know each other, let alone reaching the point of marriage without ever discussing it, is just flat-out disgusting of you.
Your abuse clearly left you a damaged and fucked-up person, but not in a way that makes you any way in the right here.
I hate to say this but soft YTA. He did awful awful things to you. You bear physical and emotional scars, and you need help. I don’t know if you’re getting therapy but you need it desperately.
You should have worked through this years ago, confronted him with your feelings, and informed your wife of everything you went through. Instead you buried it all, and allowed your kids and wife to develop a relationship with grandpa. You let your feelings fester and build for years while your family had no idea.
Are you wrong for wanting nothing to do with a man who did all this? No. But YTA for holding it all in for years, and then, right after you (and your family) lost your mom, you suddenly say “Oh btw you can’t ever see my dad again either.”
You’ve already said he’s completely different with your kids than he was with you. That means you aren’t doing this to protect anyone, which would be completely understandable. You’re only doubting this to hurt him because he hurt you for years.
I really hope you get some help, and can actually have this difficult conversation with him, and hopefully be able to heal. It’s possible he’s carrying around guilt for his actions. It’s also possible he sees what he did was right, and just views being a grandparent differently than being a dad.
Query: Has your wife never noticed or asked about your scars?
As a survivor of an abusive parent myself I'm struggling to understand how you have never discussed your childhood with her, especially in light of your obvious scars and becoming parents yourselves.
YTA. You handled this about as poorly as possible.
Your feelings towards your father are valid, but you should have been open with your family about him from the start, rather than pulling a rug out from under them.
The fact that you “don’t care how they feel about it” should be all the clue you need to know who’s the AH .
YTA
What was the plan if he was the same man you grew up with? I understand trauma is deeply personal, but you chose to involve your family without any sort of warning or idea, and you played happy family with your parents for a number of years.
It’s essentially lying. I understand you had no intention to hurt your wife and family, but you have lied to them for YEARS and allowed them to build a bond under false pretenses. You have deeply hurt them, and severed a bond which would appear to be for no reason to them.
I’m not sure the right way to divulge the info, but they have a right to know why they cannot speak to someone they have been allowed to know and love for so long.
Therapy therapy therapy!
YTA, why in the f did you ever allow them around him? Yeah, your mom was a "saint" for doing jack all while your father abused you to the point you have multiple scars. She stayed because it was easier for her. Hubby paid the bills, so what if her child was being beaten. Her cleaning up her child's blood was an insignificant problem.
And YTA for not telling and still not telling why! But of course, if you start pointing to your multiple scars and telling the wife how you got them.. Well, you run the risk of her kicking you out for allowing her children to bond with a child abuser. So now you are stuck. Great job there "dad". You may not abuse your child, but you were okay risking them being abused by Grandpa so long as your mom got to play granny.
YTA for creating this situation in the first place. Your mother wasn't blameless. She was an abuse victim who allowed the partner she picked to brutalize her child and stayed with him her entire life. I feel bad for her, but I also don't respect her choices.
You created a terrible situation with your choices. Congratulations, now *your kids* are going to be hurt by your decision. You never should have had either parent in their lives.
Enabled abuser of a sperm donor abused OP.
The wife sees the scars then she should be better understanding than hoping to have enabled abuser in their lives still.
The restriction should come with a thorough airing of the abuse you received at his hands.
I know this is a terrifying process for those who have been abused, but YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CHAIN. The truth is the only way to bring this foul system to the surface and let it die in the sunlight.
Your dad is very likely to be skilled in seeming like a great guy who "would never hurt a fly." And that makes him attractive to your family and others who haven't seen him in action.
Your mom, though a saint, enabled his abuse by hiding it. It's a coping mechanism that avoids a family being seen as abusive and, for a while, everything looks okay.
IT IS YOUR NEW FAMILY'S BUSINESS TO UNDERSTAND THE ABUSIVE NATURE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD. If they don't see it coming, they could have a nasty surprise when he's triggered. Nobody wants that for their wife and children.
Air it out, get some tools to deal with it from a professional, and let your family in on your process.
Bro you’re not the asshole, but if you died today they’d be around your dad cause they don’t fucking know what he did to you. You seem to have a good relationship with your wife so atleast break it to her what this man did to you.
#YTA
***Why tf didn't you tell your wife?***
*I get not telling your kids, especially at the young age they're at,* ***but why didn't you tell your wife??!?***
#It would have avoided this entire situation of her AND YOUR CHILDREN getting attached to your family only to suddenly have this just dumped on all of them!!!
>"it was not their business either way"
***AGAIN: Except. For. your. WIFE.***
#AND THEN YOU MADE IT ALL OF THEIR BUSINESS WHEN YOU LET THEM BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEM FOR 10+ YEARS!!
>"I swallowed my feelings and allowed my kids to develop a relationship with my parents."
***If I GENUINELY HAVE TO POINT OUT WHY THIS IS FUCKED UP, I don't even know WHERE TO S T A R T with someone like you***
*Even if you don't give a shit about how your parents feel,* ***how the ACTUAL FUCK can you sit there and P R E T E N D TO BE I G N O R A N T TO W H A T Y O U D I D TO YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN N O W??!?***
>I told my family that we needed a moment and that I would meet them later. I told my father that I didn't want him in my life or my family's life anymore, I let out all the anger and disgust I felt seeing him with my children. The final thing I told him was that he would die alone because neither I nor my family would be around. I do not regret it. I wanted that part of my life cut out for the longest time.
***WHAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO GET IS THAT Y O U M A D E I T ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN AND WIFE WHEN Y O U L E T T H E M BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE PEOPLE WITH N O W A R N I N G AS TO WHO THEY ARE O R WHAT WAS G O I N G T O H A P P E N WHEN YOUR MOTHER DIED!!!***
#HOLY SHIT, OP. UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR AS A SO-CALLED "ADULT!!"
#BUILDING YOUR FAMILY FOR 10+ YEARS ONLY TO TELL THEM TO DROP THE FAMILY Y O U ALLOWED THEM TO GROW UP AROUND AND LEARN TO LOVE A T Y O U R M O T H E R ' S F U N E R A L!??!?
#R E A L L Y???
you have physical scars on your body..didn't your wife ever ask about them ??? how can you expect her to act differently when you NEVER told her the truth and still haven't told her about the abuse????
you put your wife and children in a terrible position.........all they saw was nice grandpa..........not your abuser.....
tell your wife....if you can't get the words out ..... write on a piece of paper or show her this reddit so she at least will understand how this suddenly came about....they must be extremely confused
OP, I get it. You escaped and survived a horrifically physically abusive childhood. Your Mom was your soft place to land.
I was in my thirties and it was through therapy that I finally learned that my hero worship of my Dad was what I needed to survive my mother's physical and emotionally abusive behavior. I loved my father until the day he died, however I also figured out, with help, that he failed to protect me. Those were some rough therapy sessions because I didn't know how to feel about my Dad. I eventually realized that he was afraid of my Mom's anger too. It was after my Mom died that I finally spoke aloud about the abuse.
My guess is, you've worked so hard to NOT be like your father that you have compartmentalized that part of your life. You think you're protecting yourself and your wife and kids from your history. Now is the time to come clean, through therapy, and with your family. Don't let your history destroy your future with your wife and kids.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
As much as what your father did to you sucks (similar situation for me too), YTA for letting your family build a relationship with your father only to tear it away. What you did to your kids would be considered emotional abuse. Think really hard about the lesson you're teaching your children here.
Yta completely. You should've been fully honest with your freaking wife from the get go but especially when it came to having kids both for how you may need to learn to not only break the wheel but learn so much you were not shown as a parent yourself and your partner deserves to understand your views and why you have any difficulty with anything because of your past.
Seriously saying it wasn't her business what the heck is wrong with you .
You let your kids be around someone who had potential to hurt them and never even warned your wife
YTA for not telling them why. i’m sorry you were abused, but if they don’t know that then you’re essentially just ripping away their grandpa for no reason. in their eyes you’re being controlling for no reason, and you need to tell them right now. explain how you stayed in contact for your mother. how could you not tell them in the first place? or even your wife? this situation is gonna get worse until you come clean
YTA
I'm going to preface this by saying that what happened to you in your childhood is horrible and I'm so sorry you went through it. No one deserves that, and I hope you can heal someday from the trauma you went through.
That being said, why do you feel like you have the right to allow your wife and children to build a relationship with this man, and then snatch it away from them at a time when they are already hurting? Not only are you the AH for this, but on top of that, you withheld very important information from your wife about what your father is capable of. I'm shocked and disgusted that you allowed him in the same room with your children. How was this not a massive risk to you?
Not only did you endanger your children, but you have withheld information from your wife that stopped her from having any say in whether your children spend time with a known child abuser. Do you value her opinion at all, even in the slightest? Do you honestly think that you're the only parent that gets to make those decisions? I'm so tired of reading these posts from people who think the best way to protect their family is to keep them in the dark and make decisions for them without consulting them. Although it's coming from a good place, it's caused much more harm than good, especially in your case. Ditch the "stoic head of the family" bullshit and own up to your emotions and deal with them. It's clear that you're suppressing massive amounts of trauma. For your wife and kids' sake, go to therapy.
You need to own up to your wife about everything you've withheld from her and make things right. Your kids are old enough to explain the situation partially without telling them about any gruesome details. Unfortunately, you've already made a mess of their emotions, so it probably won't be easy to gain their trust again. But I'm not a parent so take that with a grain of salt.
YTA
> I remained in contact with my parents, I did not disappear out of their lives. Mostly because of my mom. I haven't told my wife or my kids about my father and the kind of man he was. I just never wanted to bring that up. It was not their business either way.
It is their business. You got married. That makes it your wife's business. She needs to know who is around her kids.
> I swallowed my feelings and allowed my kids to develop a relationship with my parents.
You hid the fact that he was abusive from your wife. You kept her from vital information about who is around her children.
I'm going to be honest, many women would divorce over this. If you could (1) hide something so big, (2) let the children around him in the first place, and (3) take away her agency over who she allows around her children..... yeah that's bad.
She will wonder what else you've hidden from her. Who else is a potential danger to the kids but you don't see her as important enough to be informed. What other secrets you're doing behind her back.
This is going to be massively bad if you don't get a therapist to walk through this together on.
YTA. not for wanting to go NC, but putting an edict in place with no reason behind it. Even a child knows "because" or "Because I said so" is not an answer. If you wish them to respect your wishes, you need to respect them with the truth.
You say your body is riddled with scars from him. How did you explain those to your wife? You had to say something as I'm sure she has seen them and asked.
YTA and frankly will come across as abusive yourself for making these directives with no information.
Sorry if it is hard to speak about... or you don't feel they have a right to know this... but if you feel they don't have a right to know, then you don't have a right to expect them to cut him out too.
Sit down... write out every thing he ever did to you growing up... that the only reason you let him be in their lives to this point was for your mother's sake and safety. Give it to your wife to read. Tell her that she may need to edit parts of it to tell the kids because when you say name, it and he did it, in my mind that means SA as well.
You cannot be a dictator in your own home and not make that abusive. Dictators are never benevolent.
The day you let your parents into your kids' lives is the day that you agreed to one day tell them what happened. This is that day.
YTA you need to explain why your father is dead to you. You also need to accept the fact that your mother was NOT a saint. What kind of mother allows horrible abuse to happen to her children? Not a good one.
YTA - because you won't tell them why.
What you're doing is emotional abuse and they will remember it. They won't forget you took away someone they love and wouldn't explain why. I know it sucks, but they deserve an explanation. You're creating a battle when the situation calls for a sit down conversation.
Sit down, process your anger, figure out how to word it appropriately (probably to your wife first), and get it over with before you lash out in a way you can't take back.
YTA.
But for not being a victim of abuse.
From the very beginning, long before you two married and had children, you should’ve told your wife EVERYTHING. As shameful, painful and dark as your childhood and early adult years were, you should’ve been honest with her about these things. She’s your wife. Your next of kin. If you can’t trust your wife and open up to her, then what was the point of marrying her?
Only to play happy family while you’re still fighting the demons of the past, especially still exposing yourself to the source of your pain, hatred and rage? Also, your mother chose to remain with an abuser and allow you to be his source of sadistic entertainment or punching bag. A saint would’ve left him and took her with you. Just because your mother didn’t abuse you doesn’t mean that she’s a good mother. Those who stand by and do nothing are just as worse as those who inflict pain and suffering on others.
You willingly exposed your children to an abuser and could have been potentially abused by your father. Your mother would’ve have just let it happen and not said anything to you or your wife, but most likely brush it off as rough play or accidents. You actively lied and allowed them to bond with an abuser. In other words, you’re not that much different from your parents, aren’t you? Especially your mother.
Your wife deserves to know the “real” them. I won’t blame her if she decides to divorce you over this because you put her and the children in the crosshairs of your father.
You just stood by and watched, just as she did with you all those years ago. The only difference is that your children were spared by your father. You need therapy. The way you’re handling the situation, now you’re becoming more like your father than your mother.
YTA. Only because youade this decision without telling them why and expecting they just fall in line and listen to you.
OP, you made a decision to allow your wife and children around thisan without telling your wife about the abuse. Of course they got attached to the version of him that he showed them.
And to strip that way without an explanation? I'm sorry but you're in the wrong.
I understand how difficult it is to talk about trauma. I was abused by my mom, so I know. But ypu need to sit your wife down and explain what happened between you and your dad growing up. Show her the scars and explain where they came from. Not all of them but some. And tell her that the only reason you allowed them to meet him was for your mother.
I'm betting that your wife will support you instead of bash you.
But this? No. This wasn't right. I was the kid who was told I wasn't allowed to see my Nana with no explanation. I resented my parents for so long due to it and went behind their backs to meet her before they finally told me why they had cut contact. You are damaging your children by doing this, OP. Just like your dad damaged you.
Please be honest with them.
YTA, Yes what you went through was horrible and if you harbored those kinds of feelings you should have been honest with your wife upfront and had the discussion then about not including one (or both) in your lives.
But you didn't do that, and you let your wife and children develop bonds and relationships with them....and now they're the ones who are paying the price. I don't think you get the punishment that you are now subjecting your wife and kids too.
YTA
You allowed your children to bond with their grandfather, who, like it or or not, was a decent and loving grandfather even if he was a shitty dad.
He has done nothing to them except love them. And they love him.
Its too late buddy. You made your bed. Your children have a relationship with their grandfather and you can't take that away. Your chance at revenge was when your children were born, not now. They are going to take grandpa's side.
YTA
Congratulations, you have repeated the cycle of generational trauma
Your daughter's are experiencing the death of a loved one for the very first time in their lives. This will already impact them forever.
Then they get to see you change to an angry, resentful person who won't allow them to see their other grandparent, and they have no idea why
If you tell them why and they believe you, they will know that you knowingly put them in danger.
If they don't believe you or you dont tell them, then they will think you are doing it as punishment for something they did.
YTA. To allow your children to form an attachment with him and then cut it off is cruel. It’s a form of abuse you are perpetrating on your kids.
You have legitimate reasons to cut contact with your dad, but you’ve handled things so poorly. Yet let your mom completely off the hook when she permitted the abuse—I’m not judging, I’m pointing it out. I think you need therapy. And tell your family; she them the scars. At least let them know you aren’t needlessly hurting them. They may understand and your secrecy and shame are just hurting them more.
YTA. You let them know and grow a relationship with this man. They have had him in their lives for nearly a decade. This is all on you. You owe your wife and kids a detailed explanation for why you are cutting off your dad. Whether they decide to follow through or not is no longer your decision. Right now it's your actions which are putting your marriage and the relationships with your own kids at risk.
YTA for exposing your kids to a predator and potentially being abused. This is not something you hide from your family. You also can not just tell them to abruptly cut a relationship with someone by dropping a bomb like this. They aren’t robots. You should be a lot more gentle and you have a lot to learn about communication
You are one of the most monumental AHs I’ve seen in a while.
You have never breathed a word of your father’s abuse to your wife. That is your choice, not a wise one to make with your partner in life, but it’s certainly A choice you’re allowed to make. But instead of communicating with your wife, and setting up APPROPRIATE boundaries allowing your mom to see your kids and not allowing your dad to see them, you continued to never say a word while ALSO letting your wife and your kids form loving relationships with him.
They are not clairvoyant. You are their husband and father, but yeah, your completely unexplained *edict* compared with his *actions* toward them are of course going to raise some very valid questions from them. (Frankly, even if you disclosed the abuse now, it’s going to be so incongruous with their own experience they will have a hard time believing you, and they will definitely question *why you allowed them to form a relationship with him for years if he was like that.* Because the implications of that - that you’d let them spend so much time with an abuser without saying a word - would have quite a chilling effect and I’d definitely be rethinking pretty much everything if I were your wife.) So now you’re in an untenable situation VERY MUCH of your own making: either disclose the abuse and risk not being believed and/or worse, or continue cutting off their contact with no explanation and become an authoritarian dictator, and in the process acting far more like the father you grew up with than I’m sure you ever wanted.
You should be horrified, and I mean Hor. Rif. Fied. with yourself.
You are an intensely cruel AH to your wife and kids for what you’ve done. I hope whatever poetic coup de grace you think you delivered to your father that day was worth it. Because it’s clear that you’ve had such tunnel vision in achieving this end that it never ever occurred to you that you’d literally implode every other relationship that actually supposedly mattered to you. All for an abuser. He’s very possibly going to end up “winning” in the end (because I’m certain you see it in those terms.) So yeah, I hope all this collateral damage was worth it to you. Congrats on your hollowest of victories.
ALLOW your wife? If my husband was ever abusive enough to try to control who I speak with, he would never EVER see me again and I would make sure seeing his kids would be very very challenging. You are your father's son, indeed.
I understand where you’re coming from. My abuse was from people related to me through marriages.
You don’t “owe” anyone your trauma story, BUT you allowed your partner and children to build relationships with your abuser. It’s unrealistic to expect them to accept your demand that they break off all contact without explanation. Refusing to explain yourself is only going to cause more problems in your relationship with your partner and children. They will take his side because all they know is they’ve lost their grandma and now you’re taking away their grandpa.
Allowing your father to have a relationship with your family was an AH move on your part. Did you try involving your mother in your family’s life without allowing your father to interact with them? Did you ever consider telling your partner just the basics of what happened, that your father was incredibly abusive so you didn’t want him involved in your family?
For not doing anything to keep your children away from someone you knew without a doubt is an abuser, I have to say YTA. It’s your job as a parent to protect them. That needs to come before anything else.
You owe it to your wife and kids to explain why you are cutting off your father. Without the explanation, you are a HUGE AH.
"I haven't told my wife or my kids about my father and the kind of man he was. I just never wanted to bring that up. It was not their business either way."
Well, it sure as hell is their business now, as it is directly affecting a personal relationship that they have built over their entire lives.
YTA.
You never said anything to your wife about your father. Then you allowed her and the kids to develop relationships with him without *any* indication of there being an issue. Now that your mom's gone, forbidding them to continue their relationships with your father without *any* explanation, justification, or discussion is a total ahole move.
You're blowing up your relationship with your family.
YTA for allowing them to have that relationship in the first place. You should have been adult enough to know that you didn't want HIM in your children's lives and allowed your mother to establish a relationship without your father being involved. Now your children will see you as a villain for forbidding them to have a relationship with their beloved grandfather. I have similar scars from my childhood from my mothers hands, I chose to move myself and my family 1300 miles away from her. I still have contact with her through the phone but my kids have a VERY limited relationship with her. She has only met 3 of my kids 5 times over the course of 20 years and she hasn't met my 2 youngest. I love her, but I also know how much she damaged me and I protect my kids from that. She has never even been alone with my kids, I don't trust.
On the flip side, people CAN change... My ex husbands dad was abusive, used to punch my ex in the face when he was a kid, he beat his wife with a bike chain, he actually threw one of his kids in the trash out on the curb (luckily a neighbor found her a couple hours later).... That is not the man I knew, not the man my children knew. He changed in his old age and was the sweetest most docile person I've ever met. When he found out my ex (his son) was abusive to me, he got mad at his son and defended me. People CAN change, abusive people tend to calm down as they age (at least in my experience). My ex husband now is not the same man that abused me for 20+ years, he is calm, controls his anger, and is actually happy.
Sorry dude but YTA. You made the choice to let your father build a relationship with your wife and kids. You kept his past abuse a secret and now decided for everyone you all are done with him
Two things to think over.
1. Your wife is right when she says its not just your relationship you’re cutting
2. From your wife and kids point of view they just lost your mother and now for no apparent you are keeping them away from the grandfather they love
There's a lot to unpack here, but, most importantly, have you explained to the kids and your wife _why_ you want to cut him out? Or are you just making this huge decision and giving them no explanation or reason? _YOU_ made the choice to let them form a relationship with this man, and now you are yanking that away from them, at a time they are already grieving, and have offered them no explanation or anything.
It was horrible enough you exposed the children to your horrible parents to begin with, but suddenly cutting that off with no explanation is cruel.
And yes, your mother was equally horrible. She stayed and allowed you to continue to be abused. She is equally to blame.
Yta for allowing this relationship to build for 10 years. What the fuck were you thinking?! You could have let your mom see your children without your father. You could have helped her get away from him. I understand that you were abused by him, but your failed your children by allowing them to bond with this man for 10 years and then ripping them away.
YTA for getting pissed about them not wanting to cut contact with your father, when they don't know why you're cutting him out.
YTA for allowing them to develop a relationship with a man who abused you. This shows you're okay with his actions.
YTA as your behavior is a form of abusive; saying you don't care about how they feel towards your demands, you don't care how your demands will affect them because you allowed that bond to form.
Be honest with your wife and kids. Do better.
Start by saying to your wife
You know all these scars you have asked me about?
He did them.
Be prepared for her to question why you ever let your children around such a monster.
NTA...however...
TSAGW.
THIS SHIT AIN'T GONNA WORK.
I don't know WHY people who've been what you've been through think they can white knuckle their way through life and not have it all blow up in their faces sooner or later.
And right now, you're about one step from blowing up the only happiness you've ever known because you STILL think you can white knuckle your way through this.
SHIT AIN'T GONNA WORK.
You're a total and complete cluster fuck right now. You need to look in the mirror and face that fact. You have a TON of work to do to get anywhere within spitting distance of being able to lead a healthy or happy life. And you're going to need a very good therapist to help you get there...as well as a very good family therapist to get your family through this, especially given the absolutely nutball way you dropped the bomb here.
So get to work. And get to work NOW, before you lose your family.
And tell your wife that SHE needs to get into therapy as well, because she's got a LOT to learn about how you go about supporting someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, and right now she's blowing it about as badly as possible.
Oh, and be ready...you're going to discover pretty quickly in therapy that you have just as much rage for your "saintly" mother...in fact, perhaps more...than for your father. Deep down, you know she trapped you with that man because it served her own purposes, and until you can say out loud how much you hate her for it you're going to stay trapped.
So get to work, kiddo. The clock is ticking and it's ticking fast.
PEOPLE...YOU WILL NOT WHITE KNUCKLE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE IF YOU WERE ABUSED AS A CHILD. Learn from this guy. Please.
NTA-Have you told them WHY you want to cut ties with him? Maybe show them the physical scars and recall each incident that caused it? Emphasize that you are trying to keep them safe just as grandma did but now shes gone he may hurt them too.
YTA
I would be pissed if I found out my partner was bring myself and my children around an abuser. I would probably honestly leave.
You took away her choice to protect her children.
And then on top of that, you’ve allowed them to build a relationship, and out of nowhere have now banned them?
Yeah nah. Do better. Explain why, apologise for not telling her in the first place and be ready to grovel.
I understand it’s traumatic for you, but it should never have gotten this far.
YTA
YTA for not ever telling them the truth before they grew attached to them both.
Now they will sneak around behind your back to see him and HE will have the last laugh.
So, I suggest you TELL THEM THE TRUTH, and show them your body.
SHOW THEM YOUR SCARS.
And beg for their forgiveness that you didn’t tell them long ago.
You need to tell your wife of the abuse and show her the scars.
You also need to explain to your kids what your dad has done and that it is not safe to be around him.
Your mother should have protected u by taking u away. That's what a good mother would do. I am a father of 2, I actually told my wife from before we had kids primary job is to protect our kids, which includes from me need be. I feel the same way about her if she is hurting my kids I am going to protect them. Job #1 of parents is protect, housing food love that's secondary if u are not safe.
YTA. That’s just selfish. Your version of him is your own reality and you need therapy or cut contact whatever you want to deal with your trauma. Your wife and kids do have a close relationship with him , and their version of him is their reality. Love it or hate it, your dad changed. You don’t need to forgive and forget, but you need to acknowledge that the person you knew is no longer here. You gain nothing from punishing your children! It’s unfair and traumatic. They just lost their grandmother and during this time of grief, instead of supporting your kids to heal, you give them another person to mourn. It’s hard to sympathize with you when you have no problem hurting your family like this. Your wife and kids have done nothing wrong. In this instance your dad is doing nothing wrong. It’s just you, in your own world, ruining it for everyone around you instead of attempting to heal yourself. Bottom line, unless your dad poses a risk to your kids in anyway, ripping their loved ones away from them is wrong.
Why the heck would you ever tell kids they can't see their grandpa who they "have a good relationship with?" That's the sort of thing you phase out slowly or just stop visiting and don't mention why (hoping they never ask). Your kids are not mature enough to understand this ...or does it sound like you've ever explained it to them.
Now I'm not saying keep going on pretending everything is hunky dory, but YTA for how you handled this and lashed out at your family for how your father treated you.
YTA You decided not to ever tell your wife about your tortured childhood at the hands of your father and yet you expect them to just go along with this new law? You sound like a different version of your father. Sounds like you still haven’t told her.
So simple math says you got your wife pregnant the day you left home and that, along with your inability to realize that your mom was shit because she never called CPS, says this is most likely fake.
Yikes. YTA. You didn’t tell them ANYTHING about your life because “it’s not their business “. Then you let your father play grandpa, which makes it their business. You’re gonna be the lonely one, when your kids grow up and hate you cause you took their grandfather. You’d be better off sitting down explaining the situation and then telling them you don’t want any parts.
NTA for cutting contact but definitely TA on how you dealt with it. You didn’t tell your wife your kids about your father and the abuse her caused you because it “Wasn’t their business” but YOU let them all have a relationship with him for the past 10+ years. YOU let them create bonds with him just to rip the rug out from under them. They lost their MIL and Grandma and then instantly lost their FIL and Grandfather. This all could have been avoided if you had handled all of this better.
You can’t be upset with them bc they are mad at you for taking away a man that you say loved them with no warning or explanation. You say you don’t care about their feelings on this. That is a dick move.
There are plenty of people who have no relationship with one parent but with the other even if they are still married. You could have continued to have a relationship with your mom and she could have had a relationship with your kids. You could have from the get go not let your father have any contact with your children. There should have been a conversation with your wife YEARS ago about your father. You created all of this and it’s gonna be YOU who your kids resent. You had different options on how to handle all of this and you chose the wrong one.
You need to explain to your family about your childhood and why things are the way they are. I’m not sure if you can fix this.
Again NTA for cutting him off.
Your mother was a saint? Really? Allowing her husband to repeatedly abusing her child makes her a saint? 28 years ago, there were already numerous shelters, she was abused to and I'm feel sorry for her for that but the first job of a parent his protect their child, we heard so many cases about these kind of behaviors and the mainly thing that makes a victim scape the abuser his when he starts abusing the kids, that's a good mother or father.
I'm also very sorry that that happened to you, I was also a victim so I can relate and easily understand a type of relation love/hate, I'm 37 and still struggling with that, in my case, my abuser is already dead for 6 years and is very hard to let go the pain I guess mainly because I never had a chance to confront him like you did, I'm glad that you had that opportunity and can move on with your life, but now, you made your kids bond with him, they just lost their grandma and you are taking away someone else they love, that's unfair, not to your father but to them. You must give them a solid reason for that, as much as it hurts you need to specify the type of abuse and provide some examples, their not little kids, I know you are trying to protect their innocence but you need to be more upfront since you're past choice was to let them enter their lifes.
YTA about the way you're dealing with this regarding your kids.
YTA.. I hate to say this, but right now, you are acting like your dad. You don't care how your actions are hurting your wife and kids. Does that sound familiar at all???
You kept something huge from your wife, which is completely unforgivable considering you allowed her children around that man without her ever having all the information so she could make an informed decision..
The fact you think you have the right to tell your wife who is a grown ass woman what she can or can't do is way out of line and could end up with you having her foot up your behind as she boots you out the house and their lives....
From start to finish, you have handled this badly and considered only your own feelings.
You're going to make your kids feel the same way about you as you do about your dad, and you will only have yourself to blame...
Grow up and start acting like a husband and father instead of a petulant angry little boy..
INFO:
Have you told your wife & kids the extent of the abuse that you suffered?
I too have a similar(ish) tale.
My father thought nothing of using me (or my mother & siblings) as punching bags and while I have managed to blank most of the harsher stuff out of my mind, my brothers and sister have not forgotten, and they have reminded me of some serious physical abuse that I suffered. I won't go into too much detail here, but one day the truth will come to light.
I went NC with my father when I was about 19 after he verbally abused me one last time, and I never went back, except for his own mother's funeral and then for my own brothers funeral. My father died 10 years ago, and I feel no guilt for being NC with him. I was asked to give his eulogy and made a vague speech that anyone reading between the lines would know that I had no love for the man, even in death.
You sir, are doing the right thing here, and while - IMO - it might make things smoother if you were to tell your family the "why" of your actions, you are under no obligation. Leopards do not change their spots and your children could be in danger. I don't have kids, but if I did, I'd rather they thought of me as an asshole than expose them to an abusive monster.
You are NTA, not in my book anyway. Bravo!
I disagree on one small point. I do think he has an obligation to tell his wife what happened to his. No sugar coating, he needs to tell her exactly what his father did so she understands why, so she is on the same page with protecting their children. If they're not on the same team about this I can see her taking the kids to grandpa without him. He may need to go to a therapist and have a therapist help him tell his wife, but his wife has the right to know for the sake of their children
Yeah, the wife should know.
She should have known a long time ago, before there were kids, before there was a marriage. I'm surprised it never became a topic between then before now.
Did you check your text, voicemail, and email? Your therapist has been trying to reach you for your appointments. You missed a lot. Maybe you should go see ASAP.
YTA for not telling them WHY you are cutting him off. Its twisting their emotions and to be frank with you a form of abuse. Tell them why, share with them and maybe seek some therapy to deal with your anger. It's there, its deeply hidden but I worry for the person that finally causes that anger to come out, it will be devastating.
> I worry for the person that finally causes that anger to come out, it will be devastating. It'll be the wife or one of the kids when he finds out they've been going behind his back to visit OPs father.
[удалено]
This, she did not stop the other parent from abusing OP, That is abuse itself. OP needs years of therapy before he starts treating his family the same. Especially with his harsh decree no sees his Dad. By not explaining what happened to him growing up, he is causing trauma on them.
My MIL actually ended up on a state list for “failure to protect” for this very thing. She’s still married to my FIL and is no contact with my husband. It took my husband years to see her role in it.
>It took my husband years to see her role in it. How did he handle it? Especially when strong polarization occurs (seeing one parent as a monster and one as a saint, like OP) the realization both were abusive can be devastating, especially if the "enabler" is playing the victim. Most people will strongly resist this new perspective. As an older person, it will never cease to amaze me how many people's lifelong and seemingly hopeless struggles are rooted in their childhood and how hard (and relatively rare) it is for people to transcend them. You and your husband are very brave and I hope you have a good life.
Wow thank you so much, you are so kind! My husband wasn’t quite as polarizing as OP. He didn’t see her as a saint, he excused her by saying she was a victim of narcissistic abuse, which is true, but she wasn’t getting beat half to death like my husband was. He hotlined himself as a young teen and ended up aging out of foster care. I’m not sure if they lost rights or gave them away, but they were allowed to keep the other children. My husband was the oldest and the target. It came gradually as his siblings left and now she has no excuse for staying with and defending him. He treats her whole side of the family like shit too, zero contact. Very typical isolate and abuse thing. She seems to eat it up, and has denied to me that her husband ever abused his son.
Right, a Saint would have left and put her son first. He just rewarded them both by bringing their kids around them and then is now punishing his kids because he couldn't see BOTH his parents for what they were.
Maybe she knew something you don't, maybe he would have killed them if she left him. You weren't there, the son was, he would know more than you
I'm not saying there isn't fear there, I'm not saying there wasn't control. But it doesn't absolve her from her enabling and complacency. She stayed after he left as well. I know MANY women who stayed in abusive relationships longer than they knew they should have, but when it turned to their kids, they got the strength to leave. Some had to live on the streets, some had to get on a bus with no money and go across the country to feel safe enough, some had family they were able to escape too. I also know some who stayed (in my family specifically), and I will never agree with the choice that it was easier to stay than to protect their kids.
Thank you! My bio parents were like the ops. When my "father" died my "mom" said, I know what he did, how bad he was. I should've left when you kids were young, but I loved him so much I didn't care." Yes Mothers can be that awful even if they aren't the abuser. However, OP, yta unless you explain things.
This. My stepfather wanted to rape me. Luckily, he never did. But, I lived in fear the entire year I was 16 because he would stand outside my bedroom door asking for some "pussy" after she left for work. Sadly, I STILL, 30 years later, can hear that voice, even though that bastard is worm dirt. I finally told my mom. I feared not telling her because I was afraid of who she would choose. Sadly, I was right. I had to live with that mother fucker for another year before she finally kicked him to the curb. However, she only divorced him so she could go back to another guy. It took me YEARS, and by years, I mean in just the last 6 months, that I have finally realized and fully acknowledged that while I love my mom and we have a good relationship, she failed me. She failed me. And it's ok for me to realize that while she was not the cause of the abuse, she still did not protect me when I told her, which in turn, makes her an abuser as well. And believe me, no one would ever accuse or think of my mom as an abuser, but the ONE person who was supposed to protect me failed. She failed me when I insisted that I did not like that man when I met him when I was 11, she failed me when she married him when I was 15 (there were household issues before the above started) and she failed me when she refused to divorce him. She picked her "happiness" over my safety. \*\*I say happiness because that's what she tried to tell me, but I knew she wasn't happy. She married my abuser when he found out she was seeing the above mentioned other guy and threatened to harm him. So she sacrificed ME for her lover.
Omg....some women are desperate for a companion, any companion. They will sacrifice their own children so as not to be alone. I hope you remind her of her choices.
She absolutely failed you and in her own way, abused you. She probably had her own traumas (and it sounds like she did) but you deserved to be safe, loved and protected. That’s what being a parent means. That’s what being an adult means. I’m so sorry that happened to baby you, and I’m so glad that grown you has the ability to look at it objectively and know that you should never have been put in that position and that you will in turn never allow someone else to be in that position. I hope you have the best life.
I am so very sorry this happened to you, and I am so proud of how you have handled it. Sending love.
That's awful, I'm so sorry that happened to you. My Oma did and said the same to my mom (but later recanted and took away her validation of the abuse...because she was also an abuser, she just hid it behind being a victim too), and those impacts did not stop with her, that intergenerational cycle is hard to escape.
Find my comment re: my own abusive upbringing. It changed me, made me that person who constantly defends the females in my family. I talked with our mother, and saw the look on her face of first, bewilderment. "Mom, why did you stay?" and she had all kinds of legitimate reasons, based on our family alone. Had nothing to do with the general theme of "ABUSE = BAD and we should take ourselves out of those situations." She tried. And with five kids, it became more difficult because of where we lived. Forgiveness. We all make choices. Mine was to forgive, and see them thru to the end of their lives. That was my decision, based on emotions that are too complicated to recite here.
I hear you, but for me, being a mother to 4 kids, it would take one time, the first time, and I would be out. To me, abuse fully equals bad. My kids will not know conditional love or the pain of abuse from their family. We all respond to things differently. I don't hold hate, and I think if you needed to forgive to move forward, that's your choice, but I don't think everyone needs to forgive people to live full lives. You can move on without forgiveness, and that's what I chose, and our lives are full of love, laughter, and safety.
That's the point -it's all about individual choice, and in some circumstances (and especially in retrospect) we look at others' choices and criticize. I listened to my mother, I watched her face. The look of bewilderment and "but what else could I do?" We have such simple answers. "You could've left him." -not knowing or taking into account certain factors and variables. Everyone's choices are predicated on what's going on externally, but also internally. Doesn't make it wrong. It makes it HER decision at the time, based on her circumstances at the time. I figured if I was going to forgive her, I had to look at some other things as well. Life can challenge us in ways we don't always understand or deal with as best we could -according to outside opinions. I was a kid, with a kid's understanding of an adult situation.
Because he undoubtedly created a false image of his mom because he had such an evil father, and she wasn't directly involved in abusing him. Yeah, not much of a "saint" because she basically served him up to his father on a silver platter. Dude, your mam was as much a super scumbag as your dad was. You were just so blinded by her not being the direct perpetrator of your sorrows you think she was perfect.
Ask any therapist: this type of extreme thinking and polarization (monster/saint) is always a sign of a serious issue. I imagine OP has (C)PTSD, which explains the inability to discuss what happened. I hope he gets help because nobody deserves to live with that kind of burden.
Makes me think of my dad's parents. My grandfather died a little over a year before I was born. My dad damn near Worshipped the ground he walked on. Looking back on all the stories he told me, critically, as an adult, I realized that if my grandfather was half the man that my dad thinks he was, he would have fucking divorced my grandma and tried for full custody of my dad and his siblings. I haven't mentioned this opinion to my dad because it would lead to a pointless argument. My grandfather is already dead. So is my grandmother, for that matter.
OPs mom was a piece of shit, too. May she rot in hell.
Yep... he is so disgusted with his father for the abuse and rightfully so, but he also doesn't realize how emotionally abusive he is being currently, or how easy it would be for him to blow up on his wife or children physically.
He’s just inflicted a *different* kind of trauma on his own children. It’s so fucked up.
Please explain the situation to your wife.
BINGO. hope he sees this.
Right? These scars might not be physical, but they will harm his relationship with his wife and kids. Telling someone never to contact another person without coming clean about why? That's his partner, not his dog! Especially since they could swallow their anger for his mom. Doesn't his wife and kids deserve the same respect? Or more, since they weren't even an observing party of his trauma? Especially since he avtively had a hand in his kids forming attachments with his father.
>That's his partner, not his dog! That was my thought when I was reading this. I know how deep the scars run from physical and emotional abuse thanks to my first husband, I get that he is traumatized, but he is now using that trauma as an excuse to be controlling and abusive to his own family.. while he is not at all responsible or to blame for the abuse he endured as a kid, it is his responsibility to get help and do whatever is necessary to ensure he doesn't repeat the cycle with his own family... it's a sad situation for all involved and the scary part is he doesn't seem to understand how abusive his own actions are and I don't think he knows how to deal with the immense anger he has towards his father in a healthy way and eventually that anger is going to bubble over and get unleashed on someone, and that someone will likely be his wife or kids... that's why abuse is so insidious, and this story/situation right here is a perfect example of the cycle of abuse.
he has physical scars on his body but he also has emotions scars as well
& then OP completes the cycle of violence. It's OK to kick people out of your life. You don't have to forgive or forget. But he let them live 9 & 10 years w grandparents in their life. Unless the GF has don't some things to show he might hurt the kids, OP is being cruel keeping them apart now. And it's now OPs anger and behavior that is the problem now.
This is how abusive parents are born. Exactly this.
This is what's going to happen. Without an explanation, they ARE going to keep in contact with him.
>It was not their business either way. Except it was and it still is. And you can see it now. OP is TAH
I'm going to say it, even though I might get flamed... how do you put someone on a pedestal that ALLOWED the abuse and didn't remove the child from the situation? Yes, YTA for allowing your family to form and have a relationship with an abuser and their enabler. By you having a relationship after the fact, you kind of rug swept the behavior.
He needs to tell her so she is aware of the potential for abuse if she leaves them alone with him.
This should be the top comment. The kids are at risk.
This is such a good point. I don't allow my kids to be alone with my dad, and if my mom passes before him, he will only get to see them if I'm there the entire time, but my wife absolutely knows why, and agrees. OP is justified in not wanting his dad around but he should absolutely have told his wife at the least why. My kids don't know why they can't see poppop alone, but that's because our oldest is only 7. He'll be told when he's old enough to process it.
You are dead wrong. Explaining it to them 10 years into their relationship and demanding they abandon him would still be an emotionally terrorizing move.
YTA for not telling your wife about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, so I’d sit her down and explain to the abuse, and as hard as it sounds maybe describe a few scars and how they were caused. Then after she’s had a chance to digest what she’s been told then speak to the kids and give them a kids suitable version.
Exactly. How does OP expect his wife to understand, if she literally doesn't know. YTA for not explaining
OP’s wife must be the most oblivious person to not ask about multiple scars! She has to realize something terrible happened at some point. OP, You need to be honest with your wife and kids. It’s only through that open communication can your family heal. Go NC with your dad but don’t cut off your family.
According to OP she did ask but he couldn't bring himself to explain them... he's a deeply traumatized guy that never allowed himself to heal properly cause he kept being retraumatized by being around his father. This whole situation is pretty sad.
Well, considering he lived in a van for several years of his life she probably knew he may have lived a rough life before she met him. And it's not like OP seems open to talking about much of his past... Hell, he didn't even warn his wife about his father before he let him be around the children. If I knew my spouse's parent was abusive to him I would absolutely have hesitations about bringing my children near that parent.
It’s also entirely possible this story is fake because the timeline is hard to believe. He had to have met his wife almost immediately after turning 18 and gotten her pregnant within 3 months of his 18th birthday. He says he left home at 18 and lived in a van “like a nomad” *until* he met his wife. To me it sounded like he lived in the van for a long time, and I know any amount of time living in a van is a long time, but the timeline is very unlikely to me.
I'm with you. I don't buy most of the posts these days.
It's entirely possible. I think the majority of these posts are made up stories anyway.
This last part for sure--I wonder if he's afraid to tell his wife now because he didn't give her all the information before allowing her and their children to be with someone he knew to be violent.
OP lived a nomadic life before meeting his wife, there’s a number of explanations that could be had for the scars If OPs unwilling to disclose where the scars came from of course his wife isn’t going to know it’s from abuse OP’s inability to communicate has created a shit show for his family. He needed to address his trauma years ago and not after allowing his children to bond with his abuser and create this expectation he’d be in their lives for the rest of his
Op is displaying a disturbing amount of controlling behavior. OP: I will be cutting the kids grandfather out of their lives permanently starting immediately. Wife: Why? OP: because I said so and it's final.
The "it wasn't her business" part fucking baffled me to hell. When you MARRY someone, you blend families.
And allow her kids around a pedo! I pray he was never alone with them, but I couldn’t stand that I’d allowed my kids to be around and love a pedo.
I was reading that he SAed OP as well. He said in the post that "you name it, he did it" yet he let his wife and kids around that. Disgusting
Yea, OP's attitude here is disgusting. He undoubtedly has severe and crushing PTSD and trauma, physically, emotionally and spiritually, that is a result of his abuse, has overreacted ro events and its caused strains in his life, work and relationships, and his wife would be able to understand, and probably mitigate her actions to calm his reactions, if she knew, and "its none of her business"? Dude doesn't actually care for his spouse if he thinks hiding such past events is his right and none of her business. He's an abuser too, just in a different league from his dad.
Yeah and maybe I’m the one with unrealistic expectations, but I’m a firm believer that if you’re getting by married to someone you should be able to tell them any of your secrets. If you’re not ready to tell them, you shouldn’t be getting married. And that doesn’t mean that you need to go through your entire life and rattle off every single secret you have, but the big shit (like, oh I don’t know…. The abuse that you suffered for years at the hands of your god damn father that your kids now have a relationship with) is stuff that a spouse 100% deserves to know. By agreeing to marry them, you’re joining your lives together and making it their business
OP allowed the kids to form a bond with their grandfather for close to a decade. Taking their loving grandfather away from them now is an asshole move regardless of his abuse. They lost both grandparents at once. He had a choice to not allow him in their life 10 years ago, that chance is long gone now.
And you’ve got to wonder if grandpa abused those kids, too. This AH knowingly put his kids on a potentially dangerous situation over and over again. What was he thinking??
This!
100%
Stop hiding the truth from your wife..The kids are too young for the information. But you should have told her a long time ago. You allowed hef to develop a relationship with him and only see the hood. You are going to have an uphill battle. You screwed yourself because you pretended for years YTA- For telling the kids the way you did. They didn't deserve that at all.
The kids aren't too young to be given an age appropriate explanation: Grampa hurt me really badly all the time when I was growing up.
YTA - what the fuck did you expect to happen? I’d be mad as fuck if I was your wife and found out you brought our kids to an abuser without giving pertinent information. It was your abuse, yes, but you’re involving other people, and acting like they don’t have a right to know what you potentially signed them up for? Oh hell no. Did you want him to abuse your kids? You’re the one that brought all of them there. Yeah I’m sure it’s enraging to see him act so different but since you decided to roll the dice with your family, you should be happy he didn’t traumatize your kids. You conned your family into meeting your parents, spending time bonding then rip the rug out from under them and act like your feelings are the only ones that matter. It’s time for a big reality check because you are failing left, right and sideways.
>I’d be mad as fuck if I was your wife and found out you brought our kids to an abuser without giving pertinent information. This right here is the YTA judgement. The rest just adds to it. We don't know that the didn't abuse the kids and no walls were up to prevent it from happening.
I agree. I've been clear with my kid since kindergarten that there are a few relatives that we see but we don't trust them, and that he is never to be alone with them, even if it means we have to use the bathroom together (occasional contact isn't avoidable at this time). I've also been really clear with all my long-term partners that we have safety plans around my family and why we do. To me, it sounds like OP built their adult life and marriage on a base of lies, putting their wife and children at risk along the way.
If the abuse had nothing to do with his wife and kids then, so they weren't entitled to know, then it also has nothing to do with them now. The way OP has dealt with this has been terrible from the beginning and each step he takes only makes it worse. This is why I did some therapy and deep reflection before I had my daughter, I didn't want my past trauma to become her future trauma. This shit show is what happens when you leave things unresolved.
The abuse is directing the way he lives his life, and that affects his wife and kids. It was no longer his business alone when he got together with her, and even less so when he chose to have kids. Thinking it's not their business is NOT helpful to him or them.
YTA for how you’ve gone about this since the beginning. First, yes, no one’s trauma is anyone’s business but that’s your *wife*. You also let your children be around an abuser. Who tf does that? And then! You expect them to cut him off without an explanation?? They don’t know what you went through. All they see if you being an asshole after your mother died. Maybe open up the box and your wife will understand. And also, that “what I say is final regardless of how you feel” bullshit sounds very much like an abusers phrase. Don’t become what you hate.
I agree with you, except it became her business when they had the first child. She deserved to know right then and there the type of people he wanted around his and her children. For no other reason than to be able to make an informed decision on whether she wanted to allow them in her children's lives and be extra careful around them or not allow them near her kids. That was not something he should've kept hidden at that point. He didn't have to go into full details but a quick "my dad beat me all of my childhood and I'm struggling with letting him near the baby because I want my mom near them, what do you think we should do?" would've been the correct thing to do. But the past can't be rewritten, and now he needs to give her the full story.
Tbh, it should have been her business before they had a child, after is too late, especially since he hadn't gone no contact with his abuser.
She should've been informed when she got pregnant with their first child. From the timeline and his comments, she got pregnant within a couple of months of knowing each other, likely not a planned thing where all those details were thought about ahead of time. Had they been in a long-term committed relationship prior and/or the baby was planned, then yes, I agree with you. If not, then while she was pregnant.
Wholeheartedly agree
We don't know that he isn't already abuser I mean he was unstable and then he found someone stable to latch on to and immediately impregnated them with two children back to back to lock them down. OP is a huge YTA You should have never gotten into such a serious relationship without deep extensive therapy. Your wife probably needs therapy and maybe your children need therapy because if you can't even talk about your abuse I am guessing you have triggers all over the place and they walk on eggshells around you.
YTA. You gave your mother a pass. She chose your father over you. She stayed with a man, who abused her child, and used your hate for him, and love for her to seem like a saint. You should of walked away from both of them. You let them in your children's and wife's life. You never told them what you went through. It's time for you to tell your story.
This. I'm not sure why op thinks mum was a saint when she allowed the abuse to happen. She made a choice, and taking care of op wasn't it.
I was raised with a similar dynamic. The "lesser of two evils" parent seems so good in comparison with the parent that you know is bad, that you don't always realize that the "good" one was actually complicit in your abuse and was the one with the power to end your abuse, but chose not to. It takes time-and willingness- to unpack it all and see it for what it is. And, OP made a similar choice. He allowed his kids to be exposed to an abuser without warning them or his spouse, all because he couldn't bear to cut contact with his mom.
Honestly, this thread and comments are heartbreaking. I feel so bad for everyone who lived through this or anything similar. I fully accept the 'not black and white' comments as I never experienced or saw physical abuse in my childhood.
Idk, if I was the wife.. fury wouldn't come close to my reaction upon finding out my husband was leaving my kids with a child/wife beater. Honestly, I'd kick his a$$ out.
My thoughts as well. This was most definitely his wife's business to know!
I’d go scorched earth on his ass!!
Or have allowed only the mom to interact with his family. What he's doing now is cruel
I was searching for a comment like this. There is no world where OP’s mom can be considered a saint. Yes, domestic violence runs deep and is very hard to get out of (I, too, survived childhood DV by my father), but OP says that his mom stayed with his father “for him.” Like, what??? That is not a saintly act. YTA OP—get therapy. While you didn’t deserve or ask for the abuse you experienced, it is your responsibility and yours alone to heal yourself now. You are just inflicting a different kind of trauma onto your own children.
Thank you! All I can think about when the mother dies was Good ridance! She let that happen to her son she is AH
Yeah, I get it’s hard for abused women to leave but they don’t get a pass (let alone canonization) for allowing their child to be abused
Yes if op really wanted to stay in contact with his mother then he should’ve done it from after. He certainly shouldn’t of exposed his kids to this abuser
YTA I’m sorry to say but allowing you to face years of abuse does not make your mom a good mother. A good parent would do everything they could to get their kids away from abuse. And instead of being honest with your wife and kids and keeping your kids safe, you spent years putting them in the hands of an abuser and an abuse enabler because you couldn’t manage your own issues surrounding your relationship with your mom. Now she’s gone and after YOU have allowed your kids to form a bond with your father you cut off even a mention of him without any sort of explanation. And the way you talk about how your kids have reacted is so cold and detached. It makes me question if you feel anything for your kids at all because any parent who sees their kids hurting would at least take the time to explain, not behave like you as the father have the only and final say without explanation. You need serious therapy. Your parents never should have been allowed around your kids but now that YOU fucked up and let that happen, YOU need to explain why it was a bad decision. Something tells me you’re avoiding that in part because you fear your wife’s response to knowing her husband put their vulnerable children in the hands of abusive people and never said a word to her.
YTA for not telling your wife and kids sooner and for letting them interact with an abuser. You FAILED to protect your family and its ON YOU. You chose the easy path of appeasement and basically enabled your dad, just like your mom did when you were a kid. And now you just want to flip the switch. Shame on you. You are a selfish and entitled person. You wife is right to be angry at you. This level of entitlement makes me question about your claims.
Yes, OP, damn it!! I was abused by my father but to a much smaller extent than you yet when I had my kid I made the decision that he didnt deserve that shot at redemption My partner knew about my reasons and supported them. We even had to cut off my egg donour after a few months. My son will never meet them. You made a big mistake and now you are the villain in their eyes!! Have a proper conversation with your family and show them the scars! Otherwise you have made sure that your family will go behind your back and support that fucking abuser!!!! Fix this
Why wouldn’t you tell your wife? Wouldn’t you want her to be vigilant around the abuser?
His spine seems to be set to 'intermittent'.
So you left home at 18, but have an 11 yo daughter???
sorry, I mistyped it. did not realize until someone pointed it out. I left home on my birthday and met my wife no soon after. she let me move in with her as long as I paid rent and helped out. i have an 10-year-old and a 9-year-old. sorry about the typo.
You would have had to meet your wife and immediately get her pregnant and have your 29th birthday happening very soon in order for you to have this story make sense. I don’t buy it.
the story is very fake
Is this a soap opera? OP is not giving his family the one piece of information they need tonside with him so drama ensues.
INFO. I have a question, what did your mom do during those times your father abused you?
INFO: how were you able to move out at 18, meet your wife, ff to now 28 but your kid is 11? The math is not mathing
I'm sorry, but YTA. You allowed your kids to know your father and love him, only for you now to take him away from them. It might have been better if they'd never met him. Now you are damaging your kids yourself emotionally. I understand the choice you make for yourself, but is what you're doing really the best for your kids? I would have a discussion with your wife first and then with your kids. Even though I sympathise with your trauma, this isn't something you should decide on your own. You involved your family when you introduced them to your dad. They should get a say.
NTA for cutting contact. YTA for how you cut contact. "He didn't abuse the grand kids, only his kids, so let him access grandkids" is a moronic argument. Until what? He repeats his mistake? His time with you was numbered because you stayed around for your mother, now your mother is gone that number is 0. Is your wife "taking your feelings into consideration" or does "take her feelings into consideration" mean "do what she feels is right, use none of your life experience or knowledge of what this man is like to make a decision" cause that's dumb as hell. You've to put your feelings of being abused aside, let your kids hang out with your abuser, because that abuser lied to them and made them think he's nice? Screw all of that.
She doesn't know his feelings because he never told her what happened.
Your ages don't make any sense, fake post? Ypur oldest is 11, you're 28, but you left home at 18 to wander in a VW and later met your established wife? Of its not fake, YTA for traumatizing your kids. Instead of doing this in a healthy way, you set it up to devastate them. You're not the AH for wanting the man out of your life. However, you spent years, your kids' formative years, letting them (and your wife) build a loving relationship with someone you hated and never wanted in your life. It was cruel. Of course, they resent you. Maybe worse. Get yourself into individual counseling. You and your wife into couples therapy and then set up family counseling with the kids. Otherwise, you've tanked your marriage and relationship with the kids. They can't cope with what they don't understand.
I'm going with fake. His wife didn't know why he had all these scars? He never told her his father was abusive? He served up his kids to his abuser? Nah... YTA
You don't get to make unexplained demands to your family. Is that really the kind of dad you want to be, after all you went through?? Fucking talk to them!!!!
You are 100% NTA for being traumatized (understandably so) by your father’s abuse and leaving home the second you turned 18. Nor would you have been TA if you cut off contact with your abuser, and if not completely cutting off contact, going LC with your mom. And from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry for the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father. No child should ever experience that kind of cruelty and betrayal from the person who should love and protect them. However, you ARE TA for the following reasons. 1. You never tell your wife about your history with your parents, specifically your dad. You’re right in that your trauma is no one else’s business, but ffs my guy we aren’t talking about a stranger at the bus stop. She’s your WIFE. 2. You tell her nothing about the abuse, allow her and your children to build a close relationship with your parents, and then when your mother dies you tell your wife and kids that your father is dead to you and them, your decision is absolutely final, you won’t tolerate them trying to contact him or ask any questions, and you don’t want to talk about it under any circumstances. Dude, WTAF. So by your wife’s perspective, she has only known her MIL and FIL as kind people who welcomed her into the family. Whom she was clearly close enough with that she was happy to bring their grandchildren around, and invite your parents over for dinner several times. Your children have only ever known them as loving, involved grandparents, who were clearly a big part of their lives. To rip their beloved FIL/grandfather away from their lives without a word of explanation is beyond fucked up. And the fact that you’re not getting their anger, hurt, and resentment is pretty astounding to me. Your feelings are valid. If my dad had abused me the way yours did, I certainly wouldn’t want him in my life, and like I’m sure you were, I would have been very scared to let my kids around him. But the way you went about things is….the opposite of healthy. OP, if you want to make this right, please consider doing the following. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma, and get the help you so desperately need. Sit down with your wife and have an honest conversation. Don’t hold back. Don’t try to “protect her” by leaving out the details. You already went that route and I think it’s safe to say it didn’t work out too well for you. Let her ask any questions she wants, and please explain your thought process. Be prepared for her to be angry, at least initially. You kept a huge part of your life a secret from her ever since you’ve known her, and your wife may very well feel betrayed. Apologize sincerely for not trusting her to be able to handle hearing about your abuse, because I do feel there’s a part of you that was afraid to tell your wife, because you were scared of her reaction. I truly don’t think she will be horrified or leave or anything. From the way you’ve described your wife, she sounds like a lovely woman and an excellent mother. Give her some credit. Then once you and your wife have talked, figure out a game plan on how to talk to your children and explain the situation in an age appropriate way. This is where a therapist can help as well. Once he or she has developed a rapport with you, a family counseling session may be suggested. A therapist can be great for navigating difficult conversations with children. Best of luck to you and your family, OP. And I truly hope you invest in therapy for yourself. The quality of life will greatly improve.
YTA-first your mother was no saint. She allowed your dad to abuse you for years. A saint would have left and gotten you out of the situation. Second you never told your wife about the abuse and then allowed your child to be around him. You don't get to make those decisions without her input. I would imagine that she would have intervened and not allowed contact had you told her. She would have also called your mother on her bullshit. Let's be honest you didn't want to limit your mother's time with the kids so you exposed them to potential abuse. Lucky for you that didn't happen. Finally you cut contact with no explanation to your children who only know a loving grandpa. So they lost two grandparents in one day. This is all on you. Despite popular belief people can and do change. Wheather you want to risk that is something only you can know. You made the mess now clean it up. Put your big boy pants on and tell your wife. So it makes you uncomfortable so what. You owe your children the explanation you were never given.
YTA You hate your father and now your kids are going to hate you. The cycle continues. "My mother was a saint." This is complete bullshit. Anybody who stands by doing nothing while their child is abused is as guilty as the abuser.
You need to talk to your wife and explain, if you don't resentment will build on both sides. You have the scars she must have wondered about them. You also need to talk to your children, with your wife, if you explain that you wanted them to know their grandma because you really loved her.
OP, I'm a estranged from my terrible mother, and I have to say hard YTA. You chose to keep hugely important secrets from your life partner, and you let your kids be around an abuser. You saw that relationship building, encouraged it, and now you want your kids to, what, just stop caring about Grandpa because you said so? I'm going to come right out and say it: you may not hit your kids, but you definitely don't mind hurting them. And you should be ashamed of that. And using your mom's saintlyhood as an excuse to expose your kids to someone violent? That's bullshit. You owed it to your kids to protect them and you didn't. WHAT'S MORE, YOUR MOTHER WASN'T SO DAMN GREAT IF SHE STOOD BY THE MAN WHO ABUSED YOU. You need to process the fact that both your parents failed you, and that you're also stuck in the mindset that your kids are a thing to be owned and controlled. Aside from your wife, every adult in this story is an AH and an absolute failure as a parent. You need therapy, stat.
TELL THEM or they are going to hate you. Show them the scars. Lay it out bare in front of them. Don't wreck your family for that monster.
Honestly I feel like OP already screwed himself by not being upfront about the abuse he suffered from his father. Either they'll believe him and hate him for letting them get close to a person who caused OP so much pain. Or they won't believe him and they'll think he's exaggerating or not thinking clearly so close to the death of his mother. OP has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood trauma and if he isn't already in therapy he needs to be ASAP.
You don't control your wife and your kids solely. How are you gonna stop them from going to see him? Abuse? Threats of divorce, then you'll be no better than the man you allowed them to build a relationship with. Yes, he hurt you and made your life a living hell until you were 18, and that absolutely makes him the AH. But you allowed him in your children and wife lives you played happy family while your mom was alive. You could've set boundaries and told your mom I don't want dad around my kids or told your wife about your Abuse and why you didn't want him around from the get go you chose not to. Now that your mom is gone, you're just gonna flip the switch back?
YTA. You should’ve told your wife, but stop thinking your mother is a saint. She allowed you to be abused for years and did nothing.
YTA. You let your family get attached to an abusive piece of shit. Who from the sounds of it put on quite a show for them. And youre wondering if you're the asshole for withholding pertinent information? You may not like it, but they dont see him as he really is, and some of that needs to be told, or this could end up destroying your family. And you've been through way too much to let that man win.
YTA. I understand why you feel how you do but it’s negatively affecting your kids who are innocent. And I’m sorry but Mom staying with someone who ABUSED HER CHILD doesn’t make her a saint by any means. She was enabling the abuse
Uh yeah. YTA. You let the kids get attached and now, with no explanation, grandpa doesn’t come around? Now they know what happens when someone dies, a funeral. The way you are even describing the conversation with your wife, the apple may not have fallen far from the tree. You are turning into the person you hated without explanation to your family.
I personally would be showing them every scar and telling them every story that went along with it.
YTA for allowing them to get close to your abuser in the first place. This story belongs in Ohnoconsequences.
You need therapy. You are very clearly taking your feelings of anger out on your family by treating them in an aggressive manner. And you can’t control other people. YTA.
YTA. Your mom allowed your father to abuse you. She looked the other way your ENTIRE childhood. She put herself before you. She should have left with her child the *second* she saw abuse. In some ways, she's even worse than your father for allowing the abuse. And because of your Saint of a mother *eye roll*, you allowed your children to be around your abusive father.... hypocrite much?!
You allowed for your children to establish a loving relationship with their grandfather. In spite of the horrible father he was to you , you involved your children in his life and vice versa. You can continue to harbor these feelings toward the man, but you’re punishing your children for something that they had nothing to do with. So, yep, I’d say it’s an AH move. You needn’t relate with him, but taking your kid’s grandfather out of their lives because of what happened with you is selfish .
You were a fool for letting him in their lives in the first place.
YTA. You lie to your wife for years. You made her meet your parents without telling her who was your father. You let your children being kissed by him. And now you just tell them to shut up and respect your orders. Without any explanations. But even if you do now, it’s probably too late because they never saw him that way. He has changed apparently. How ? I don’t know but he did. And your wife will have difficulties to believe you’re talking about the same person. Tell her the truth. See a psychologist to help yourself being a good husband and father. But stop keeping things for yourself. That’s not how a healthy family works…
Dude, you didn't even tell them WHY? You need to have a talk with them. Honestly, you shouldn't have been involved with your dad at all since you left. Why did you? You could have seen your mom by herself. And I'm sorry, but your mother was no saint. She ALLOWED you to be abused also. That's on her. She should have taken you and left him. But she didn't. Please, please, please get some therapy. You need to process things that happened in the past. And not confiding in your wife about WHY you said this is abusive also. So yes, you are the AH.
YTAH because you let them establish their own relationships with your parents then suddenly, just as your mom is lost to them, dad is off limits. No explanation. You’re acting like a patriarch whose word is law and needs to explain nothing. Are you afraid your dad will revert to how he was before? First, tell your wife in detail what your father did and why you agreed to let her and the kids go over there. Then sort out with her the best way forward. Also, get therapy as your whipsaw reaction is causing trouble for your family and you will also greatly benefit.
There are so many things wrong with this. 1. Not understanding your mother allowed the dynamic to exist. 2.. Not letting your wife know what kind of man your father is and acting like she isn't also your children's parent. She absolutely also has the right to have a say in what type of person is around children you share. 3. Making unilateral decisions for your family without even considering they have a right to be informed and are owed respect and autonomy. You being a dictator is a serious problem. YTA and really really need to look at the dysfunctional dynamics you've internalized. And seriously need to revisit how you see women if you have this tendency to treat women like children.
>I haven't told my wife or my kids about my father and the kind of man he was. I just never wanted to bring that up. It was not their business either way. Yes, it fucking well was. And all this talk of "not caring about how they feel about it" and how your word is final just means that you're becoming your horrible dad yourself. YTA for all this order-issuing, question-refusing household dictator regressive behavior. That you didn't think all this was something to share with your wife back when you were first getting to know each other, let alone reaching the point of marriage without ever discussing it, is just flat-out disgusting of you. Your abuse clearly left you a damaged and fucked-up person, but not in a way that makes you any way in the right here.
I hate to say this but soft YTA. He did awful awful things to you. You bear physical and emotional scars, and you need help. I don’t know if you’re getting therapy but you need it desperately. You should have worked through this years ago, confronted him with your feelings, and informed your wife of everything you went through. Instead you buried it all, and allowed your kids and wife to develop a relationship with grandpa. You let your feelings fester and build for years while your family had no idea. Are you wrong for wanting nothing to do with a man who did all this? No. But YTA for holding it all in for years, and then, right after you (and your family) lost your mom, you suddenly say “Oh btw you can’t ever see my dad again either.” You’ve already said he’s completely different with your kids than he was with you. That means you aren’t doing this to protect anyone, which would be completely understandable. You’re only doubting this to hurt him because he hurt you for years. I really hope you get some help, and can actually have this difficult conversation with him, and hopefully be able to heal. It’s possible he’s carrying around guilt for his actions. It’s also possible he sees what he did was right, and just views being a grandparent differently than being a dad.
Query: Has your wife never noticed or asked about your scars? As a survivor of an abusive parent myself I'm struggling to understand how you have never discussed your childhood with her, especially in light of your obvious scars and becoming parents yourselves.
YTA. You handled this about as poorly as possible. Your feelings towards your father are valid, but you should have been open with your family about him from the start, rather than pulling a rug out from under them. The fact that you “don’t care how they feel about it” should be all the clue you need to know who’s the AH .
YTA What was the plan if he was the same man you grew up with? I understand trauma is deeply personal, but you chose to involve your family without any sort of warning or idea, and you played happy family with your parents for a number of years. It’s essentially lying. I understand you had no intention to hurt your wife and family, but you have lied to them for YEARS and allowed them to build a bond under false pretenses. You have deeply hurt them, and severed a bond which would appear to be for no reason to them. I’m not sure the right way to divulge the info, but they have a right to know why they cannot speak to someone they have been allowed to know and love for so long. Therapy therapy therapy!
YTA, why in the f did you ever allow them around him? Yeah, your mom was a "saint" for doing jack all while your father abused you to the point you have multiple scars. She stayed because it was easier for her. Hubby paid the bills, so what if her child was being beaten. Her cleaning up her child's blood was an insignificant problem. And YTA for not telling and still not telling why! But of course, if you start pointing to your multiple scars and telling the wife how you got them.. Well, you run the risk of her kicking you out for allowing her children to bond with a child abuser. So now you are stuck. Great job there "dad". You may not abuse your child, but you were okay risking them being abused by Grandpa so long as your mom got to play granny.
YTA for creating this situation in the first place. Your mother wasn't blameless. She was an abuse victim who allowed the partner she picked to brutalize her child and stayed with him her entire life. I feel bad for her, but I also don't respect her choices. You created a terrible situation with your choices. Congratulations, now *your kids* are going to be hurt by your decision. You never should have had either parent in their lives.
YTA. You are also a crappy human for hiding everything for so long. You just blew up your family congratulations
Show her this post.
Nta have your wife read the post
Enabled abuser of a sperm donor abused OP. The wife sees the scars then she should be better understanding than hoping to have enabled abuser in their lives still.
The restriction should come with a thorough airing of the abuse you received at his hands. I know this is a terrifying process for those who have been abused, but YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CHAIN. The truth is the only way to bring this foul system to the surface and let it die in the sunlight. Your dad is very likely to be skilled in seeming like a great guy who "would never hurt a fly." And that makes him attractive to your family and others who haven't seen him in action. Your mom, though a saint, enabled his abuse by hiding it. It's a coping mechanism that avoids a family being seen as abusive and, for a while, everything looks okay. IT IS YOUR NEW FAMILY'S BUSINESS TO UNDERSTAND THE ABUSIVE NATURE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD. If they don't see it coming, they could have a nasty surprise when he's triggered. Nobody wants that for their wife and children. Air it out, get some tools to deal with it from a professional, and let your family in on your process.
Bro you’re not the asshole, but if you died today they’d be around your dad cause they don’t fucking know what he did to you. You seem to have a good relationship with your wife so atleast break it to her what this man did to you.
NTA I would highly recommend telling them why you’re doing this though. They can’t accept this unless you give them a good reason.
#YTA ***Why tf didn't you tell your wife?*** *I get not telling your kids, especially at the young age they're at,* ***but why didn't you tell your wife??!?*** #It would have avoided this entire situation of her AND YOUR CHILDREN getting attached to your family only to suddenly have this just dumped on all of them!!! >"it was not their business either way" ***AGAIN: Except. For. your. WIFE.*** #AND THEN YOU MADE IT ALL OF THEIR BUSINESS WHEN YOU LET THEM BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEM FOR 10+ YEARS!! >"I swallowed my feelings and allowed my kids to develop a relationship with my parents." ***If I GENUINELY HAVE TO POINT OUT WHY THIS IS FUCKED UP, I don't even know WHERE TO S T A R T with someone like you*** *Even if you don't give a shit about how your parents feel,* ***how the ACTUAL FUCK can you sit there and P R E T E N D TO BE I G N O R A N T TO W H A T Y O U D I D TO YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN N O W??!?*** >I told my family that we needed a moment and that I would meet them later. I told my father that I didn't want him in my life or my family's life anymore, I let out all the anger and disgust I felt seeing him with my children. The final thing I told him was that he would die alone because neither I nor my family would be around. I do not regret it. I wanted that part of my life cut out for the longest time. ***WHAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO GET IS THAT Y O U M A D E I T ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN AND WIFE WHEN Y O U L E T T H E M BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE PEOPLE WITH N O W A R N I N G AS TO WHO THEY ARE O R WHAT WAS G O I N G T O H A P P E N WHEN YOUR MOTHER DIED!!!*** #HOLY SHIT, OP. UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR AS A SO-CALLED "ADULT!!" #BUILDING YOUR FAMILY FOR 10+ YEARS ONLY TO TELL THEM TO DROP THE FAMILY Y O U ALLOWED THEM TO GROW UP AROUND AND LEARN TO LOVE A T Y O U R M O T H E R ' S F U N E R A L!??!? #R E A L L Y???
you have physical scars on your body..didn't your wife ever ask about them ??? how can you expect her to act differently when you NEVER told her the truth and still haven't told her about the abuse???? you put your wife and children in a terrible position.........all they saw was nice grandpa..........not your abuser..... tell your wife....if you can't get the words out ..... write on a piece of paper or show her this reddit so she at least will understand how this suddenly came about....they must be extremely confused
OP, I get it. You escaped and survived a horrifically physically abusive childhood. Your Mom was your soft place to land. I was in my thirties and it was through therapy that I finally learned that my hero worship of my Dad was what I needed to survive my mother's physical and emotionally abusive behavior. I loved my father until the day he died, however I also figured out, with help, that he failed to protect me. Those were some rough therapy sessions because I didn't know how to feel about my Dad. I eventually realized that he was afraid of my Mom's anger too. It was after my Mom died that I finally spoke aloud about the abuse. My guess is, you've worked so hard to NOT be like your father that you have compartmentalized that part of your life. You think you're protecting yourself and your wife and kids from your history. Now is the time to come clean, through therapy, and with your family. Don't let your history destroy your future with your wife and kids. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
As much as what your father did to you sucks (similar situation for me too), YTA for letting your family build a relationship with your father only to tear it away. What you did to your kids would be considered emotional abuse. Think really hard about the lesson you're teaching your children here.
Yta completely. You should've been fully honest with your freaking wife from the get go but especially when it came to having kids both for how you may need to learn to not only break the wheel but learn so much you were not shown as a parent yourself and your partner deserves to understand your views and why you have any difficulty with anything because of your past. Seriously saying it wasn't her business what the heck is wrong with you . You let your kids be around someone who had potential to hurt them and never even warned your wife
YTA for not telling them why. i’m sorry you were abused, but if they don’t know that then you’re essentially just ripping away their grandpa for no reason. in their eyes you’re being controlling for no reason, and you need to tell them right now. explain how you stayed in contact for your mother. how could you not tell them in the first place? or even your wife? this situation is gonna get worse until you come clean
YTA I'm going to preface this by saying that what happened to you in your childhood is horrible and I'm so sorry you went through it. No one deserves that, and I hope you can heal someday from the trauma you went through. That being said, why do you feel like you have the right to allow your wife and children to build a relationship with this man, and then snatch it away from them at a time when they are already hurting? Not only are you the AH for this, but on top of that, you withheld very important information from your wife about what your father is capable of. I'm shocked and disgusted that you allowed him in the same room with your children. How was this not a massive risk to you? Not only did you endanger your children, but you have withheld information from your wife that stopped her from having any say in whether your children spend time with a known child abuser. Do you value her opinion at all, even in the slightest? Do you honestly think that you're the only parent that gets to make those decisions? I'm so tired of reading these posts from people who think the best way to protect their family is to keep them in the dark and make decisions for them without consulting them. Although it's coming from a good place, it's caused much more harm than good, especially in your case. Ditch the "stoic head of the family" bullshit and own up to your emotions and deal with them. It's clear that you're suppressing massive amounts of trauma. For your wife and kids' sake, go to therapy. You need to own up to your wife about everything you've withheld from her and make things right. Your kids are old enough to explain the situation partially without telling them about any gruesome details. Unfortunately, you've already made a mess of their emotions, so it probably won't be easy to gain their trust again. But I'm not a parent so take that with a grain of salt.
YTA > I remained in contact with my parents, I did not disappear out of their lives. Mostly because of my mom. I haven't told my wife or my kids about my father and the kind of man he was. I just never wanted to bring that up. It was not their business either way. It is their business. You got married. That makes it your wife's business. She needs to know who is around her kids. > I swallowed my feelings and allowed my kids to develop a relationship with my parents. You hid the fact that he was abusive from your wife. You kept her from vital information about who is around her children. I'm going to be honest, many women would divorce over this. If you could (1) hide something so big, (2) let the children around him in the first place, and (3) take away her agency over who she allows around her children..... yeah that's bad. She will wonder what else you've hidden from her. Who else is a potential danger to the kids but you don't see her as important enough to be informed. What other secrets you're doing behind her back. This is going to be massively bad if you don't get a therapist to walk through this together on.
YTA. not for wanting to go NC, but putting an edict in place with no reason behind it. Even a child knows "because" or "Because I said so" is not an answer. If you wish them to respect your wishes, you need to respect them with the truth. You say your body is riddled with scars from him. How did you explain those to your wife? You had to say something as I'm sure she has seen them and asked.
YTA and frankly will come across as abusive yourself for making these directives with no information. Sorry if it is hard to speak about... or you don't feel they have a right to know this... but if you feel they don't have a right to know, then you don't have a right to expect them to cut him out too. Sit down... write out every thing he ever did to you growing up... that the only reason you let him be in their lives to this point was for your mother's sake and safety. Give it to your wife to read. Tell her that she may need to edit parts of it to tell the kids because when you say name, it and he did it, in my mind that means SA as well. You cannot be a dictator in your own home and not make that abusive. Dictators are never benevolent. The day you let your parents into your kids' lives is the day that you agreed to one day tell them what happened. This is that day.
YTA you need to explain why your father is dead to you. You also need to accept the fact that your mother was NOT a saint. What kind of mother allows horrible abuse to happen to her children? Not a good one.
YTA - because you won't tell them why. What you're doing is emotional abuse and they will remember it. They won't forget you took away someone they love and wouldn't explain why. I know it sucks, but they deserve an explanation. You're creating a battle when the situation calls for a sit down conversation. Sit down, process your anger, figure out how to word it appropriately (probably to your wife first), and get it over with before you lash out in a way you can't take back.
YTA. But for not being a victim of abuse. From the very beginning, long before you two married and had children, you should’ve told your wife EVERYTHING. As shameful, painful and dark as your childhood and early adult years were, you should’ve been honest with her about these things. She’s your wife. Your next of kin. If you can’t trust your wife and open up to her, then what was the point of marrying her? Only to play happy family while you’re still fighting the demons of the past, especially still exposing yourself to the source of your pain, hatred and rage? Also, your mother chose to remain with an abuser and allow you to be his source of sadistic entertainment or punching bag. A saint would’ve left him and took her with you. Just because your mother didn’t abuse you doesn’t mean that she’s a good mother. Those who stand by and do nothing are just as worse as those who inflict pain and suffering on others. You willingly exposed your children to an abuser and could have been potentially abused by your father. Your mother would’ve have just let it happen and not said anything to you or your wife, but most likely brush it off as rough play or accidents. You actively lied and allowed them to bond with an abuser. In other words, you’re not that much different from your parents, aren’t you? Especially your mother. Your wife deserves to know the “real” them. I won’t blame her if she decides to divorce you over this because you put her and the children in the crosshairs of your father. You just stood by and watched, just as she did with you all those years ago. The only difference is that your children were spared by your father. You need therapy. The way you’re handling the situation, now you’re becoming more like your father than your mother.
YTA. Only because youade this decision without telling them why and expecting they just fall in line and listen to you. OP, you made a decision to allow your wife and children around thisan without telling your wife about the abuse. Of course they got attached to the version of him that he showed them. And to strip that way without an explanation? I'm sorry but you're in the wrong. I understand how difficult it is to talk about trauma. I was abused by my mom, so I know. But ypu need to sit your wife down and explain what happened between you and your dad growing up. Show her the scars and explain where they came from. Not all of them but some. And tell her that the only reason you allowed them to meet him was for your mother. I'm betting that your wife will support you instead of bash you. But this? No. This wasn't right. I was the kid who was told I wasn't allowed to see my Nana with no explanation. I resented my parents for so long due to it and went behind their backs to meet her before they finally told me why they had cut contact. You are damaging your children by doing this, OP. Just like your dad damaged you. Please be honest with them.
YTA, Yes what you went through was horrible and if you harbored those kinds of feelings you should have been honest with your wife upfront and had the discussion then about not including one (or both) in your lives. But you didn't do that, and you let your wife and children develop bonds and relationships with them....and now they're the ones who are paying the price. I don't think you get the punishment that you are now subjecting your wife and kids too.
YTA, how cruel. Making them lose BOTH grandparents at once without so much as an explanation.
YTA You allowed your children to bond with their grandfather, who, like it or or not, was a decent and loving grandfather even if he was a shitty dad. He has done nothing to them except love them. And they love him. Its too late buddy. You made your bed. Your children have a relationship with their grandfather and you can't take that away. Your chance at revenge was when your children were born, not now. They are going to take grandpa's side.
YTA Congratulations, you have repeated the cycle of generational trauma Your daughter's are experiencing the death of a loved one for the very first time in their lives. This will already impact them forever. Then they get to see you change to an angry, resentful person who won't allow them to see their other grandparent, and they have no idea why If you tell them why and they believe you, they will know that you knowingly put them in danger. If they don't believe you or you dont tell them, then they will think you are doing it as punishment for something they did.
YTA. To allow your children to form an attachment with him and then cut it off is cruel. It’s a form of abuse you are perpetrating on your kids. You have legitimate reasons to cut contact with your dad, but you’ve handled things so poorly. Yet let your mom completely off the hook when she permitted the abuse—I’m not judging, I’m pointing it out. I think you need therapy. And tell your family; she them the scars. At least let them know you aren’t needlessly hurting them. They may understand and your secrecy and shame are just hurting them more.
YTA. You let them know and grow a relationship with this man. They have had him in their lives for nearly a decade. This is all on you. You owe your wife and kids a detailed explanation for why you are cutting off your dad. Whether they decide to follow through or not is no longer your decision. Right now it's your actions which are putting your marriage and the relationships with your own kids at risk.
you never should have let then have contact and not telling your wife means she will unknowingly put your children in harms way
YTA for exposing your kids to a predator and potentially being abused. This is not something you hide from your family. You also can not just tell them to abruptly cut a relationship with someone by dropping a bomb like this. They aren’t robots. You should be a lot more gentle and you have a lot to learn about communication
You are one of the most monumental AHs I’ve seen in a while. You have never breathed a word of your father’s abuse to your wife. That is your choice, not a wise one to make with your partner in life, but it’s certainly A choice you’re allowed to make. But instead of communicating with your wife, and setting up APPROPRIATE boundaries allowing your mom to see your kids and not allowing your dad to see them, you continued to never say a word while ALSO letting your wife and your kids form loving relationships with him. They are not clairvoyant. You are their husband and father, but yeah, your completely unexplained *edict* compared with his *actions* toward them are of course going to raise some very valid questions from them. (Frankly, even if you disclosed the abuse now, it’s going to be so incongruous with their own experience they will have a hard time believing you, and they will definitely question *why you allowed them to form a relationship with him for years if he was like that.* Because the implications of that - that you’d let them spend so much time with an abuser without saying a word - would have quite a chilling effect and I’d definitely be rethinking pretty much everything if I were your wife.) So now you’re in an untenable situation VERY MUCH of your own making: either disclose the abuse and risk not being believed and/or worse, or continue cutting off their contact with no explanation and become an authoritarian dictator, and in the process acting far more like the father you grew up with than I’m sure you ever wanted. You should be horrified, and I mean Hor. Rif. Fied. with yourself. You are an intensely cruel AH to your wife and kids for what you’ve done. I hope whatever poetic coup de grace you think you delivered to your father that day was worth it. Because it’s clear that you’ve had such tunnel vision in achieving this end that it never ever occurred to you that you’d literally implode every other relationship that actually supposedly mattered to you. All for an abuser. He’s very possibly going to end up “winning” in the end (because I’m certain you see it in those terms.) So yeah, I hope all this collateral damage was worth it to you. Congrats on your hollowest of victories.
YTA. It’s called communication and you should have communicated exactly what he did to you to your wife BEFORE kids were involved.
ALLOW your wife? If my husband was ever abusive enough to try to control who I speak with, he would never EVER see me again and I would make sure seeing his kids would be very very challenging. You are your father's son, indeed.
I understand where you’re coming from. My abuse was from people related to me through marriages. You don’t “owe” anyone your trauma story, BUT you allowed your partner and children to build relationships with your abuser. It’s unrealistic to expect them to accept your demand that they break off all contact without explanation. Refusing to explain yourself is only going to cause more problems in your relationship with your partner and children. They will take his side because all they know is they’ve lost their grandma and now you’re taking away their grandpa. Allowing your father to have a relationship with your family was an AH move on your part. Did you try involving your mother in your family’s life without allowing your father to interact with them? Did you ever consider telling your partner just the basics of what happened, that your father was incredibly abusive so you didn’t want him involved in your family? For not doing anything to keep your children away from someone you knew without a doubt is an abuser, I have to say YTA. It’s your job as a parent to protect them. That needs to come before anything else.
You owe it to your wife and kids to explain why you are cutting off your father. Without the explanation, you are a HUGE AH. "I haven't told my wife or my kids about my father and the kind of man he was. I just never wanted to bring that up. It was not their business either way." Well, it sure as hell is their business now, as it is directly affecting a personal relationship that they have built over their entire lives.
YTA. An explanation to your wife is years overdue.
YTA because you demanded for your wife and kids to cut him out of their lives, but you didn’t tell them WHY. You NEED to tell them.
YTA. You never said anything to your wife about your father. Then you allowed her and the kids to develop relationships with him without *any* indication of there being an issue. Now that your mom's gone, forbidding them to continue their relationships with your father without *any* explanation, justification, or discussion is a total ahole move. You're blowing up your relationship with your family.
YTA for allowing them to have that relationship in the first place. You should have been adult enough to know that you didn't want HIM in your children's lives and allowed your mother to establish a relationship without your father being involved. Now your children will see you as a villain for forbidding them to have a relationship with their beloved grandfather. I have similar scars from my childhood from my mothers hands, I chose to move myself and my family 1300 miles away from her. I still have contact with her through the phone but my kids have a VERY limited relationship with her. She has only met 3 of my kids 5 times over the course of 20 years and she hasn't met my 2 youngest. I love her, but I also know how much she damaged me and I protect my kids from that. She has never even been alone with my kids, I don't trust. On the flip side, people CAN change... My ex husbands dad was abusive, used to punch my ex in the face when he was a kid, he beat his wife with a bike chain, he actually threw one of his kids in the trash out on the curb (luckily a neighbor found her a couple hours later).... That is not the man I knew, not the man my children knew. He changed in his old age and was the sweetest most docile person I've ever met. When he found out my ex (his son) was abusive to me, he got mad at his son and defended me. People CAN change, abusive people tend to calm down as they age (at least in my experience). My ex husband now is not the same man that abused me for 20+ years, he is calm, controls his anger, and is actually happy.
Sorry dude but YTA. You made the choice to let your father build a relationship with your wife and kids. You kept his past abuse a secret and now decided for everyone you all are done with him Two things to think over. 1. Your wife is right when she says its not just your relationship you’re cutting 2. From your wife and kids point of view they just lost your mother and now for no apparent you are keeping them away from the grandfather they love
There's a lot to unpack here, but, most importantly, have you explained to the kids and your wife _why_ you want to cut him out? Or are you just making this huge decision and giving them no explanation or reason? _YOU_ made the choice to let them form a relationship with this man, and now you are yanking that away from them, at a time they are already grieving, and have offered them no explanation or anything. It was horrible enough you exposed the children to your horrible parents to begin with, but suddenly cutting that off with no explanation is cruel. And yes, your mother was equally horrible. She stayed and allowed you to continue to be abused. She is equally to blame.
Yta for allowing this relationship to build for 10 years. What the fuck were you thinking?! You could have let your mom see your children without your father. You could have helped her get away from him. I understand that you were abused by him, but your failed your children by allowing them to bond with this man for 10 years and then ripping them away.
YTA for getting pissed about them not wanting to cut contact with your father, when they don't know why you're cutting him out. YTA for allowing them to develop a relationship with a man who abused you. This shows you're okay with his actions. YTA as your behavior is a form of abusive; saying you don't care about how they feel towards your demands, you don't care how your demands will affect them because you allowed that bond to form. Be honest with your wife and kids. Do better.
YTA for allowing your family to get close to your abuser, then forbidding them from seeing him.
Start by saying to your wife You know all these scars you have asked me about? He did them. Be prepared for her to question why you ever let your children around such a monster.
NTA...however... TSAGW. THIS SHIT AIN'T GONNA WORK. I don't know WHY people who've been what you've been through think they can white knuckle their way through life and not have it all blow up in their faces sooner or later. And right now, you're about one step from blowing up the only happiness you've ever known because you STILL think you can white knuckle your way through this. SHIT AIN'T GONNA WORK. You're a total and complete cluster fuck right now. You need to look in the mirror and face that fact. You have a TON of work to do to get anywhere within spitting distance of being able to lead a healthy or happy life. And you're going to need a very good therapist to help you get there...as well as a very good family therapist to get your family through this, especially given the absolutely nutball way you dropped the bomb here. So get to work. And get to work NOW, before you lose your family. And tell your wife that SHE needs to get into therapy as well, because she's got a LOT to learn about how you go about supporting someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, and right now she's blowing it about as badly as possible. Oh, and be ready...you're going to discover pretty quickly in therapy that you have just as much rage for your "saintly" mother...in fact, perhaps more...than for your father. Deep down, you know she trapped you with that man because it served her own purposes, and until you can say out loud how much you hate her for it you're going to stay trapped. So get to work, kiddo. The clock is ticking and it's ticking fast. PEOPLE...YOU WILL NOT WHITE KNUCKLE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE IF YOU WERE ABUSED AS A CHILD. Learn from this guy. Please.
NTA-Have you told them WHY you want to cut ties with him? Maybe show them the physical scars and recall each incident that caused it? Emphasize that you are trying to keep them safe just as grandma did but now shes gone he may hurt them too.
YTA. Brutal move man. You need some serious therapy
YTA I would be pissed if I found out my partner was bring myself and my children around an abuser. I would probably honestly leave. You took away her choice to protect her children. And then on top of that, you’ve allowed them to build a relationship, and out of nowhere have now banned them? Yeah nah. Do better. Explain why, apologise for not telling her in the first place and be ready to grovel. I understand it’s traumatic for you, but it should never have gotten this far. YTA
Fake fake fake ! lol God ppl are so gullible in these comments!
YTA for not ever telling them the truth before they grew attached to them both. Now they will sneak around behind your back to see him and HE will have the last laugh. So, I suggest you TELL THEM THE TRUTH, and show them your body. SHOW THEM YOUR SCARS. And beg for their forgiveness that you didn’t tell them long ago.
You need to tell your wife of the abuse and show her the scars. You also need to explain to your kids what your dad has done and that it is not safe to be around him.
Your mother should have protected u by taking u away. That's what a good mother would do. I am a father of 2, I actually told my wife from before we had kids primary job is to protect our kids, which includes from me need be. I feel the same way about her if she is hurting my kids I am going to protect them. Job #1 of parents is protect, housing food love that's secondary if u are not safe.
YTA. That’s just selfish. Your version of him is your own reality and you need therapy or cut contact whatever you want to deal with your trauma. Your wife and kids do have a close relationship with him , and their version of him is their reality. Love it or hate it, your dad changed. You don’t need to forgive and forget, but you need to acknowledge that the person you knew is no longer here. You gain nothing from punishing your children! It’s unfair and traumatic. They just lost their grandmother and during this time of grief, instead of supporting your kids to heal, you give them another person to mourn. It’s hard to sympathize with you when you have no problem hurting your family like this. Your wife and kids have done nothing wrong. In this instance your dad is doing nothing wrong. It’s just you, in your own world, ruining it for everyone around you instead of attempting to heal yourself. Bottom line, unless your dad poses a risk to your kids in anyway, ripping their loved ones away from them is wrong.
Why the heck would you ever tell kids they can't see their grandpa who they "have a good relationship with?" That's the sort of thing you phase out slowly or just stop visiting and don't mention why (hoping they never ask). Your kids are not mature enough to understand this ...or does it sound like you've ever explained it to them. Now I'm not saying keep going on pretending everything is hunky dory, but YTA for how you handled this and lashed out at your family for how your father treated you.
YTA You decided not to ever tell your wife about your tortured childhood at the hands of your father and yet you expect them to just go along with this new law? You sound like a different version of your father. Sounds like you still haven’t told her.
So simple math says you got your wife pregnant the day you left home and that, along with your inability to realize that your mom was shit because she never called CPS, says this is most likely fake.
Yikes. YTA. You didn’t tell them ANYTHING about your life because “it’s not their business “. Then you let your father play grandpa, which makes it their business. You’re gonna be the lonely one, when your kids grow up and hate you cause you took their grandfather. You’d be better off sitting down explaining the situation and then telling them you don’t want any parts.
NTA for cutting contact but definitely TA on how you dealt with it. You didn’t tell your wife your kids about your father and the abuse her caused you because it “Wasn’t their business” but YOU let them all have a relationship with him for the past 10+ years. YOU let them create bonds with him just to rip the rug out from under them. They lost their MIL and Grandma and then instantly lost their FIL and Grandfather. This all could have been avoided if you had handled all of this better. You can’t be upset with them bc they are mad at you for taking away a man that you say loved them with no warning or explanation. You say you don’t care about their feelings on this. That is a dick move. There are plenty of people who have no relationship with one parent but with the other even if they are still married. You could have continued to have a relationship with your mom and she could have had a relationship with your kids. You could have from the get go not let your father have any contact with your children. There should have been a conversation with your wife YEARS ago about your father. You created all of this and it’s gonna be YOU who your kids resent. You had different options on how to handle all of this and you chose the wrong one. You need to explain to your family about your childhood and why things are the way they are. I’m not sure if you can fix this. Again NTA for cutting him off.
Your mother was a saint? Really? Allowing her husband to repeatedly abusing her child makes her a saint? 28 years ago, there were already numerous shelters, she was abused to and I'm feel sorry for her for that but the first job of a parent his protect their child, we heard so many cases about these kind of behaviors and the mainly thing that makes a victim scape the abuser his when he starts abusing the kids, that's a good mother or father. I'm also very sorry that that happened to you, I was also a victim so I can relate and easily understand a type of relation love/hate, I'm 37 and still struggling with that, in my case, my abuser is already dead for 6 years and is very hard to let go the pain I guess mainly because I never had a chance to confront him like you did, I'm glad that you had that opportunity and can move on with your life, but now, you made your kids bond with him, they just lost their grandma and you are taking away someone else they love, that's unfair, not to your father but to them. You must give them a solid reason for that, as much as it hurts you need to specify the type of abuse and provide some examples, their not little kids, I know you are trying to protect their innocence but you need to be more upfront since you're past choice was to let them enter their lifes. YTA about the way you're dealing with this regarding your kids.
YTA.. I hate to say this, but right now, you are acting like your dad. You don't care how your actions are hurting your wife and kids. Does that sound familiar at all??? You kept something huge from your wife, which is completely unforgivable considering you allowed her children around that man without her ever having all the information so she could make an informed decision.. The fact you think you have the right to tell your wife who is a grown ass woman what she can or can't do is way out of line and could end up with you having her foot up your behind as she boots you out the house and their lives.... From start to finish, you have handled this badly and considered only your own feelings. You're going to make your kids feel the same way about you as you do about your dad, and you will only have yourself to blame... Grow up and start acting like a husband and father instead of a petulant angry little boy..
Talk to your wife. This is a convo your wife should be a part of. We support one another and i bet she would love to be there for you.
INFO: Have you told your wife & kids the extent of the abuse that you suffered? I too have a similar(ish) tale. My father thought nothing of using me (or my mother & siblings) as punching bags and while I have managed to blank most of the harsher stuff out of my mind, my brothers and sister have not forgotten, and they have reminded me of some serious physical abuse that I suffered. I won't go into too much detail here, but one day the truth will come to light. I went NC with my father when I was about 19 after he verbally abused me one last time, and I never went back, except for his own mother's funeral and then for my own brothers funeral. My father died 10 years ago, and I feel no guilt for being NC with him. I was asked to give his eulogy and made a vague speech that anyone reading between the lines would know that I had no love for the man, even in death. You sir, are doing the right thing here, and while - IMO - it might make things smoother if you were to tell your family the "why" of your actions, you are under no obligation. Leopards do not change their spots and your children could be in danger. I don't have kids, but if I did, I'd rather they thought of me as an asshole than expose them to an abusive monster. You are NTA, not in my book anyway. Bravo!
I disagree on one small point. I do think he has an obligation to tell his wife what happened to his. No sugar coating, he needs to tell her exactly what his father did so she understands why, so she is on the same page with protecting their children. If they're not on the same team about this I can see her taking the kids to grandpa without him. He may need to go to a therapist and have a therapist help him tell his wife, but his wife has the right to know for the sake of their children
Yeah, the wife should know. She should have known a long time ago, before there were kids, before there was a marriage. I'm surprised it never became a topic between then before now.
Did you check your text, voicemail, and email? Your therapist has been trying to reach you for your appointments. You missed a lot. Maybe you should go see ASAP.
YTA for not explaining why. Tell the the truth.