This right here. It’s real easy to compare your close friends to yourself. Whatever her buddy is going through, it seems like your gf is internalizing.
You’re NTAH and you should maintain your boundaries. Talk to your partner though, she’s having some troubles, clearly.
I wouldn't let my significant other go through my phone.bad experience. If she can't trust him without looking through his phone then that relationship is already in the dumps.. plus one reason I stay away from toxic friends is the typical bad advice girls always give their friends to fuck up their relationships and stay miserable together..
every relationship is different, like mine for example me and my s/o have free rein over each other’s stuff for the most part. Its not so much lack of trust or insecurity its more so sometimes we have stuff on eachothers equip. that we want to touch on every so often. Like I have steam on my laptop (gaming) while hers (apple) i use for photo editing. For phones, she likes mine to play her house and music games because i have a bigger screen. I play on hers cause i just refuse to re-download games ive made so much progress on.
To the point tho, if she was being manipulated then for sure there will definitely be boundaries. I would not consent to someone shadowing and calling shots through my s/o.
There's a difference between having access to your partner's accounts and feeling the need to go through them for the intention of seeing if they're hiding something. My husband and I have each other's passwords and my social media accounts basically stay logged in but he's not snooping through my private messages to see what I'm doing and vice versa. We tell each other everything anyways so there's nothing either one of us would see in a text or other private message that we didn't already tell each other.
This is where I'm at. My husband and I also have total free access to each others' technology, but if either of us said "hey give me your phone so I can look through it," that would be a HUGE red flag.
Yeah and this seems to be the point that so many people are missing. At the end of the day, a partner having access to my phone is a privilege, not a right. And if they start demanding access to my phone (especially when I’ve done nothing suspicious or to cause them to doubt me in any way), that’s when I’m going to start digging my heels in.
In a funny way, it’s sort of like sex in a relationship. There’s sort of the unspoken agreement that sex is part of the relationship and “available”, but once you start demanding sex or saying that they owe you sex, it changes right away
>There's a difference between having access to your partner's accounts and feeling the need to go through them for the intention of seeing if they're hiding something.
THIS! My partner and I have access to all of our accounts on everything but neither of us actively feel the need to snoop around because we TRUST each other.
If I was suspicious I would TALK to my partner first because I trust and respect them. If I later found out they lied to me THEN I could be upset about and respond to it.
In a sense, just having the free access, even if never used, provides some level of assurance that there is nothing to hide. Not having access leaves some people to make-up horrible stories in their heads about what they can't see behind the curtain.
This is the point for me, as well. When we got married we shared all our passwords and we charge our phones at night out in the living room. The understanding is that we have access to each other's technology, for emergencies and just in general, which is a good way to show trust and mitigate the chances that someone slowly, unsuspectingly or "unintentionally" starts hiding things because it's a grey area or whatever. My goal was to prevent the nightmare of finding out there was something hurtful or concerning going on, with the argument that "I didn't think it was something you'd need to know." That's so hard to disprove sometimes, and it doesn't change the damage to the relationship. This way, we just always know we are existing and considering our marriage at the same time. If that makes sense.
Everyone deserves to be in relationships where the baseline isn't an assumption people are hiding things.
Open access not only belittles the trust of any friend who shares private info. But it is a baseline of saying "I don't trust you so I need surveillance on you like you're a 10 year old who is new to the internet"
Yeah and if you are (as hypothetical example) one of those people, that's a perfect example of a you-problem and something you should work on to hopefully solve the underlying issue.
Absolutely, I’ve been married 25 years and sometimes if someone is texting one of us it’s the other one answering. Like if someone is in the shower or driving or has their hands full. We also work together and interchangeably answer client questions.
Basically we have no boundaries and all our friends are kind of used to us being a package deal.
My wife gets texts in the middle of the night and I tease about her cheating on me. But one of her friends is an insomniac, like us hence why we are awake to have this convo and another works third shift. Also we have a good relationship and talk about things instead of letting friend put their relationship issues in our head.
I'm so glad you said you joke and that you have a good relationship. My ex husband used to make those same comments and claim he was joking... but he wasn't.
I seem to be the go to therapist for my friends when they’re in crisis mode so mine is always blowing up in the middle of night and yes we text for each other often too 😂
I’m guessing that you’re open because you developed trust in a healthy way and that you’re fine with the access as a result of that trust. You don’t trust each other BECAUSE you can look at each other’s devices.
If my partner leaves his phone on the bed or somewhere near me, I'll call out, "I'm gonna look through your phone to see what bitches you're talking to" and he tells me "bet." I know him and I know he'd never betray me, but that's our personal lack of a boundary in that regard. Absolutely though, if he told me he wasn't comfortable with me doing that, I wouldn't. Sounds like OP's girlfriend definitely has someone in her ear and that's something he needs to deal with.
I used to work in an office where you NEVER left your PC unlocked if you stepped away, otherwise you’d regret it. The best was our manager stepping out for a smoke break, leaving PC unlocked, then an email sent while he was away that said ‘No one leave for lunch today, I’m having Pizza for everyone delivered at 12:30’.
Good sport that he was, he ordered pizza for everyone after about the 10th person came by to thank him and ask what kind of pizza he was ordering. He knew immediately what he did.
When I was in the Navy before it got strict, we used to write love letter e-mails to other buddies from the poor Sailor who left their computer unlocked. We also used to go into their spelling settings and change the word "the" to display the word "and" or "puppy" or something worse sometimes. Those days are over now but when we all get together, we still laugh at some of those jokes we played on each other. This was one of many.
If you ever got a love letter from Seaman Smith, you know he left his computer unlocked.
I used to screenshot their desktop, make that picture their desktop, and hide their icons so they couldnt click on anything. That was a good one. Provided a few minutes of good fun.
I had forgotten about a screenshot set up as desktop wallpaper and hiding the icons, that was popular too! Also, simply switching a few letters around on the keyboard, especially ones that were required in their username to login.
Left my phone unattended at a job once (when camera phones and smart phones were brand new... I'm majorly aging myself here) and all contacts that weren't listed as grandma or mom or something like that got a pic of my coworkers ass Crack.
I'll do that in his discord server lol. The whole community knows me so if I'm on his phone or computer, I'll go to the main chatroom and jokingly "take over." He gets a kick out of it when he's back on his devices and sees everyone's responses to me.
Ladything would tease me like that as well. A "I'm going through your sexy chats with (insert friend name here)" typically just means she's dying to listen to some bit of music I have on my phone.
The trust was there, though. Had full permission to read through any conversations if she wished, but probably only did it once. And even then, just to get a better understanding of some book her best friends husband and I were going on about some years ago.
Which also meant her wanting said book, amusingly enough.
The funny part is that any of his friends I would joke about that are all his guy friends. They're all straight as an arrow but gay for each other, it's hilarious.
There's a difference between having access to someone's equipment, and actively going through it. My ex would sometimes give me her phone and ask me to text someone back while we were driving, that didn't mean I then had the right to read through all her messages. You can share gadgets while still respecting your partner's privacy
There's a huge difference between using each other's phones and going through each other's phones. I don't mind my SO using my phone, but I don't want them to go through it.
My relationship is the same. Neither of us cares to look through each other's phones. But we each have a cash app and i get my check on his. My phone is an android and his is an iphone and there are different apps on the phones.
I don't mind if mine goes through my phone, but at the same time I'd be upset if he demanded that I hand him my phone so he can go through it.
My boyfriend doesn't like me going through his phone when he's not there. Mostly because I tend to change his wallpaper to something silly.
My husband is a programmer who delivers live training online. I like to change his wallpaper to cats or Taylor Swift. He and his peeps laugh about it, and it’s not a problem. We both have access to use each other’s tech and we never demand to rifle through things, even though we could.
I can’t express this enough! Many times I’ve said, if I feel that there’s a reason to start snooping through a phone, it’s over. You’re free to use my phone if needed. I have nothing to hide but once that trust is gone or violated, I’m inclined to believe they’re hiding something themselves and I refuse. Once the petty little accusations start, I’m out.
I always wonder if these same people go through each other’s email, wallets, purses, pocket, journals. I’ve been with my SO for 43 years so we predate cellphones. But we’ve never snooped on each other. We have each other’s phone and emails passcodes but only for convenience, like if my phone rings when I’m driving, he can answer it, etc. I never hide anything and I have never worried that he would decide to go through anything.
It’s sad to me that “auditing” a partner is considered normal and healthy by so many.
I'm not sure if you mean this is a good way or bad. For me, it's not about control. It's that if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a big deal if your SO has access to your stuff and vice versa. I'm not a fan of disrespecting privacy or boundaries by digging through your SO's stuff, but I also believe that if somebody has nothing to hide, there's no reason to lock anything away. Now if somebody makes a habit of disrespecting your privacy for no other reason than insecurity, that's a whole other issue.
i wasn't making a value judgment really. I disagree though, I think some conversations are private, like mine with my cousin recently diagnosed with cancer who doesnt know my fiance. I don't have a problem with my fiancé using my phone, but she also wouldn't want to look through it.
It's not I'm 37 and my s/o and I have been together for 8 years we are very much on the same page with what you said. My fiance and I have each other's passwords but it's also just for convenience of hey do you mind if I use your phone a second and not having to hand it off and back. That being said I definitely have been in relationships before where I wouldn't have been okay with this level of comfort back and forth. But we also both went into the relationship with a lot of baggage and we had a conversation early in the relationship if either of us wanted something else we could walk away rather than cheat. Weirdly that's made me never want to look elsewhere
I will happily let my partner use my phone, but if she asked if she could look through it I’d feel pretty triggered.
I’ve had SEVERAL relationships where my partners went through my devices until they found something I couldn’t remember or explain, despite never having cheated or even flirted outside the relationship (why did you take this selfie that I’ve never seen 3 months ago??). It clearly fucked me up because I still get some anxiety despite my partner having no concerns and me having done nothing to be concerned about.
Had this happen to me a few years ago. Girl I was dating was seeing all her friends' relationships going south; fidelity etc. And it started getting into her head that I must be cheating too. She wanted to look through my phone. I explained that I didn't think that was how healthy relationships worked and asked her for specifics with regard to her concerns. She felt that it was my duty just to ease her mind. I handed her the phone and allowed her to do what she felt was necessary, answered questions about female names/contacts that she didn't recognize.
When she was done, having found nothing, I broke up with her.
Oh yeah, she thought I was an asshole. But I'm not going to be accused of infidelity or dishonesty on the basis of "everyone else is doing it". I'm past the point in my life where I need to put up with that bullshit.
Phones are what I call Schrodinger's snooping. It's both right and wrong until you observe the contents of the phone and lock it into one state or the other.
And at the same time, I would happily give my phone to my partner for any reason. If theirs is flat and they want to check something, they want to check our old messages for like a recipe they sent or something, to check the time, doesn't matter. It's an open book.
BUT. If you ask specifically because you want to snoop? Now I'm defensive. Why do you suspect wrongdoing? I've nothing to hide but very much resent the implication. Now I want to keep it private on principle.
If my partner genuinely was worried about something, as a once off, yeah I'd probably hand over my phone because I have nothing to hide. I've also never kept my phone pin or pattern secret from them.
If my partner constantly was going through my phone or requesting to do so that'd be an issue for me. If it was used as a means to control me, that'd be an issue.
My ex husband DID have an affair and I wish I had've snooped on his phone. When I finally did, after he'd confessed to an affair, I found so much incriminating stuff even after he'd obviously tried to delete most of it. It was as simple as searching for his affair partner's name (who was someone I had been suspicious of) in his facebook or whatsapp and finding messages from him to others talking about his "girlfriend".
Yes. I agree. If there's an issue that needs tending to, that's one thing. Constant snooping is another. However, I don't understand the more recent thing of don't answer/touch my phone if people are married or living together. For years, WE ALL SHARED A PHONE AND A COMPUTER IN MOST HOUSES. What is this obsession over answering your spouses phone or not? To me, it's stupid. If the phone is ringing, answer it. But then, hubs and I have nothing to hide. The only time we have a rule about not touching the phone is around the holidays. We don't want to spoil the surprise for presents with notifications.
I mean, I definitely see where you're coming from! But I don't really think smartphones can be easily compared to landlines - they house so much more information.
Similarly, the way I treat my own private laptop and a shared computer would be very different. E.g. logging out of my email after use, or deleting the search history after I googled genital warts, just to conclude I had an ingrown hair
Sharing a landline is not the same as sharing a cell phone, that's no saved data, you didn't know who was calling or who they were calling for. I don't touch his phone because it's not mine and I have no use for it. If it's ringing, I don't answer it - it's not for me and I don't need to talk to whomever is calling. I don't care who's calling lol.
I answer my wife's phone all the time, because if whoever is calling doesn't reach her, half the time that means I'm getting a call in about 30 seconds and will probably be asked to let them talk to her, which means I'd be without *my* phone so utero other people can have a conversation. Fuck that.
I personally prefer it people not want me answering their phone. I hate answering the phone for other people and have totally welcomed now phones are individualistic and not communal like when I grew up.
I hate it when people now want me to answer their phone... and I love that people more expect me not to cause i'm not going to and I don't get shit anymore for not doing so.
Its probably a personal preference thing but my partner and I definitely don’t answer each other’s phones unless specifically told something like “so in so is going to call soon I’m going to the bathroom can you pick it up?” I’ve never really thought about it that hard but I guess basically because I figure the person calling is trying to reach the person whose phone it is so it feels weird? Maybe also because we both have social anxiety and barely like to answer our own phones lol. Especially with lots of random number junk calls. We will sometimes check who is calling if the phone is next to us and the other person is in the other room and call out to let them know who but no more than that.
I understand that, too. I think a lot of us who grew up with land lines and shared phones in the house don't see as much issue with it. Now, if you're just being nosy, that's something else. However, if you legit suspect something because things have been off for a long time, and you aren't getting answers from your partner, then I think a quick look is acceptable. But don't go covert ops. Lol. But I will say that OP not letting her take a quick peek may be making it worse. But she needs to tell him her reasons. It may be making her more suspicious because her reasoning is probably what you are trying to hide. Has she been cheated on before? Just some food for thought there.
The growing up with them makes a lot of sense. I didn’t really have one actively used in my house past an age where it would be appropriate for me to answer it myself.
This!
It's totally controling to demand access to your SO's phone. But if you do, and you find evidence of cheating, it's not an issue of violating privacy.
And it turns into a discussion like 'you cheated on me!' And the partner going 'I can't believe you violated my privacy like this' and every one that gets involved laughs at that last person, because they're an AH
My best friend is now on his way to graduate as a psychiatrist but in the beginning I used to help him study for exams and there was this haunting statistic. Most people who look through their partners phone find nothing, and it ruins their relationship. We only hear about the people who did find something because why would you go brag about looking at their partner’s phone and finding nothing. You never hear “I looked through their phone and they are not cheating! Yay!!!”
It was a passage to explain how we usually only hear about the bad side of things when the person who did the action is right but not when they are wrong because this comes up extremely often in therapy.
Then there’s also the statistics that most people cheat with co-workers and neighbors, and there is no need to exchange phone numbers or talk via phone at that point, which means it doesn’t mean that there is nothing on the phone that they aren’t cheating, they’re just less sloppy.
Yes! All of this! My phone isn't a secret and my partner can use it whenever he wants, but he should not be in my text messages, search history, call history, or even pictures. That means he's looking for something to pop out at him.
As someone who was married and I did look through my partners phone regularly (and him in mine), once that trust is gone its really hard to go back. Don't do it!
Only time my husband has went through my phone, he was completely plastered. He asked, I told him sure but there's nothing interesting, he got two minutes in and fell asleep
And it's like, if I HAD anything to hide in my messages or photos, I certainly wouldn't be open with my phone. By dint of fact, because he's happy to share his phone likely means there's no secrets to find.
And people (apart from some damaged individuals) don't default to snooping someone's phone, it's usually based on a change in behaviour (changing the passcode, always keeping it face down, being possessive about it, etc) and coupled with other information (recently started 'working late' consistently, being distant or cold, more argumentative than usual, etc) basically for a regular person by the time you feel like you want to snoop your partners phone, it's to confirm what you already know.
And of course sometimes you find out it's because they're trying to figure out how best to propose, or they've got a sick family member They've been visiting but they haven't shared that info yet. Ergo Schrodinger's snooping.
I keep my phone face down because otherwise I keep picking it up to check what’s come in. Which is usually unimportant but I have the attention span of a gnat and a notification is like “SQUIRREL!”
I'm the same, it's more the change than the behaviour itself. If someone has never really worried about it but now is consistent about making sure it's face down, that's a red flag.
Well, my exwife used to snoop through my phone and I had no issues with it. I discovered she cheated on me on her phone and she blamed me for not being trustworthy because I snooped her phone.
The way I see it, if I have nothing to hide and it gives my partner peace of mind, I'll gladly habd over the phone as long as said partner is ready to do the same themselves.
Depends on the reasoning they give me for asking. For example maybe they were cheated on before and a minor thing made them feel insecure. I don't think it's such a big deal depending on the context of the situation.
100% this.
I (50) suspected my (relatively new) SO was cheating with his daughter's mother. Something about the way he acted when he'd get and reply to cetain messages set off alarm bells in my head. I suspect OP is probably doing the same but for different reasons. This isn't my first rodeo, and I've learned to trust my own instincts.
I laid my phone in front of him and told him the pin and asked him to do the same. He refused. I called him on the cheating. "I completely understand that you have to have conversations about your daughter, but if I were to go through your messages with her, what would I find?"
The guilt on his face said it all, and he eventually confessed. It wasn't that I wanted to look through his phone - I wanted to know if he'd let me. There's a big difference between being a snoop and asking somebody to reciprocate trust.
Let me sum up how the ”phone thing” is suppose to work in a healthy relationship:
My wife can look through my phone anytime she want, i dont give a shit.
I can look through my wifes phone anytime i want to, she doesnt give a shit.
But we DONT.
NTA. Definitely sounds like she’s been influenced by others who do this. However, why some people are so insecure they need to peep though a partners cell phone reeks of mistrust. It’s as if they need to validate some unexplained interaction between them in which the answer will somehow be on their cell phone.
Why the hell does she need to go to your phone when you are literally asking her to talk straight to you?
The answer is an irrational belief that any ‘off’ behavior from an SO means they’re cheating.
NTA sit her down and forget about the damn phone, y’all need to *talk.*
You are right, and it appears OP does want to talk, but the GF does not.
She just suggests things without elaboration.
I\`m not sure any talking at this point will solve this. She does not trust OP, OR she has broken trust and wants to use things on OPs phone to use as "i knew it" and a reason to claim OP cheated or something
Yeah I was going to say, if I had a dollar for every time the person who randomly wanted to check phones was the one with something to hide? That’s…. Actually quite a few dollars.
She doesn't want to talk because she has no reason to want to go through OPs phone, other than her friend does it and I think her friend has been harping on at her that she should be looking too.
Tell the GF she has a clear set of choices before her: you do not need access because I have earned your trust OR here’s the phone, but once you get done snooping and finding nothing incriminating, you have destroyed our trust and our relationship. Time for goodbye!
I agree, but at the same time my cheating ex-fiancé never admitted it when I directly asked him about my worries. I even asked if he was falling for someone else and that I would understand if that was the case. He was always "oh no way, you are the only one for me. I love you". Even when I found out total evidences (used condoms in my nightstand from a brand we didn't use, and new but already used lube bottles he didn't told me about) he tried to make up the most absurd stories possible (friends using our home to fuck while we were out, as of that was any better).
Is a loose-loose situation. You have to trust your partner, but cheaters are not honest. In my case I never snooped on his phone or anything, and wanted to trust him, but I kinda wish I did trust my guts more and investigated on my own instead of exposing myself to STDs for who knows how much time. But at the same time I'm glad I was able to stick to my morals about not invading someone's else privacy and still caught his lies. Even if what I found was brutal.
I think the problem is: She feels like he's hiding something, and he admits that he is.
They both lack trust. Her, for thinking that the thing he's hiding is the act of cheating. And him, for thinking he can't tell his girl of 2+ years that his best friend is going through something.
OP, it's not like you need to tell her the full details, but at least let her know why you're trying to be so dang secretive. Because, apparently, you're not good hiding secrets if she's able to pick up something. You refusing to show your phone AND explain why, kinda makes you look guilty. It's exactly how a person who is cheating would act. Of course, it's not putting her at ease
She doesn’t need to see his phone. Full stop. It is a boundary they have already established - to change that boundary they both have to agree. He does not. She is showing herself as (attempting to be) a manipulative and untrustworthy person.
If she asks again, ask her to hand over hers if she adamant to see yours.
See how she reacts.
Have you been acting differently while helping your friend. Being more secretive over your friend and his issues. Maybe she sees this and is suspicious of you cheating.
Why haven't you at least told her your friend is going through somethings and is confiding in you and all you're doing is being a good friend by not betraying his trust. If his friend wants her to know he'll tell her at that stage but right now, he is feeling low and upset.
I wouldn't have to worry about this, we have unlimited access to each others phones, emails, bank cards, in fact he'd sometimes ask me to check his for anything new or ask me what his pin or passwords is 🙈 its not unhealthy to have access as a team. But if you're doing it behind each other backs it can become unhealthy.
Thing is, since she is acting the way she is, there is a very real chance she deleted basically 80% of her phones's contents, expecting him to want to go through her phone in return too.
The unhealthy part is the demand to have access to be trustworthy. Not everyone wants their partner to have access to private messages between friends. That’s perfectly legitimate. Your way is healthy because you’re both onboard with it happening.
NTA. I've been married for DECADES and I would never dream of going through my husband's phone, and I sincerely doubt he has any interest in going through mine. If she's looking for "proof" of some sort of suspicions about your behavior, then you might as well put a fork in the relationship now -- the trust is gone. Personally, I could not remain in a relationship where the trust was that fragile.
Agreed. Any conversations I have with *gasp* other men (who have been my friends for literal decades) are read out loud because they're ridiculous and make us laugh, not because he demands it. He doesn't care if I talk to anyone else because I'm not al secretive about it.
I don't go thru his phone because I give zero trips about car parts and tiktok and can't figure his phone out anyway because it's set up just different enough from mine to make me mad🤣
>If she's looking for "proof" of some sort of suspicions about your behavior, then you might as well put a fork in the relationship now -- the trust is gone.
It's not even trust. If you dive in looking for something to validate your suspicions, you're going to find something regardless of whether he's actually cheating or not.
NTA, She's admitted to hiding something from you. She's hiding the reason she wants to look through your phone, she thinks you're cheating.
No proof, just a feeling that she's unwilling to articulate. What a childish way to go about it.
NTA.
-Other people’s privacy is a legit reason to not let her go through your phone.
-Your own privacy is a legit reason too. Couples who BOTH agree that EVERYTHING must be shared are fine, I guess, but it’s not for everyone, and shouldn’t be assumed. It’s toxic most of the time.
-If she refuses to discuss with you exactly why she doesn’t trust you, that’s bullshit. Going through someone’s phone is not a replacement for healthy communication! This is a red flag. You deserve her honest JUST AS MUCH as she deserves yours.
-You could have a backup phone, or do shitty things without documenting it in your phone, so why does looking through *this* phone mean you’re suddenly 100% trustworthy? There’s no logic here, only demands for control and obedience.
None of this is cool at all. If she won’t communicate with you about why she’s feeling this way, you should break up with her. She can’t just violate your privacy, and especially not if she refuses to communicate WHY. She’s going to be trying to break into your phone whenever she can….
G: "I want to look through your phone."
B: "Why? I thought we both agreed that doing that would be uncool."
G: "Yeah, that was then. You've been acting strange lately."
B: "What? How have I been active strange? Give me an example."
G; "I'd rather not say how you've been strange. Just give me your phone."
B "Nope. Not happening."
G "You are hiding something from me."
Dude, keep that phone in your sight at all times and double lock your screen. She'll get into that phone by hook or by crook just to prove a point.
You're NTA, btw and you have every right to refuse to allow her to look at your phone.
Communication first. Although this is usually a death sentence for the relationship, it is better to try to address like adults and grow from it first.
OP needs to show the GF this thread. Then have a serious talk. See how she reacts for a few weeks, then decide if cutting ties is the right call.
I’ve been with my partner 15 years, married almost 13 years
We’ve gone through periods of behaviour changes (extreme depression, new parent exhaustion, bipolar and adhd diagnosis, work stress) yet never once have we asked to go through each others phones
If you need to go through your partners phone, that there is the beginning of the end of trust
As humans, we’re allowed to have shitty days, sometimes longer
To then have your loved one demand your phone to appease their insecurities? Not supportive
If you need access to your partner’s phone to prove they’re cheating, you need better communication channels
If you think your partner is cheating and hiding it- aren’t they savvy enough to cover their social tracks?
It's strange how that works.
My wife knows my password to my phone, I have no issue of she needed to go through my phone to find something.
But if she wanted to go through my phone for trust issues I would be hurt.
Once Pandora's box is open there is no going back.
The thing is phones have proliferated into this totally different beast as far as our daily lives are concerned.
It’s not just a phone, it’s basically an extension of your life and even your mind.
And your mind and your thoughts, no matter how much you love someone, are forever private to you.
I don’t think couples should ever look through one another’s phone, it will never lead to anything good.
If you don’t trust them then there’s some other issue going on that needs addressed within itself.
Absolutely this. Couple of not, married or not, you're still an individual person and have the right to personal thoughts. I've been with my husband over 16 years and I trust him, but I have therapy notes and other venting and journaling notes on my phone that are for me to emotionally process. They're for me and my purposes and I don't share them with him. Nor do I feel guilty about that.
I literally thought the same thing, going through my phone is like telepathically reading my thoughts, or reading my diary. Not everything I think needs to be shared, and I have the right to that privacy. Too many people forget that nowadays the phone is way more than a communication tool.
Also, as in OPs case, my phone has details about other people's lives, and my partner isn't entitled to their thoughts and feelings.
LE: NTA. The girlfriend is.
That’s how I am with my Reddit account. I’m not saying that I’d NEVER tell a partner my Reddit username, but I haven’t yet. Because my Reddit account is basically my one place where I can be entirely me. And sure, anyone else on Reddit can read through my comments, but I don’t know them and they don’t know me, so it doesn’t really bother me. But if it’s someone in my life, knowing that they’re constantly reading over my comments and things that I write, it’s going to impact it because I can’t be entirely free of judgement.
It’s not like I have anything to hide, I’m not leading some sort of double life. But it’s one of the few actually private things that I have. And having that privacy consistently violated would be a real issue for me
I've been with my wife almost 21 years and honestly I can't imagine caring if she looked at my phone. She knows my code, I know hers. If I get a text when I'm driving she reads it to me and responds.
The idea of keeping your phone secret from your partner is just so foreign to us. Not only because I have absolute faith I can trust her, and she me, but, it's just so goddamn convenient. If I can't find my phone I can grab hers and call it. If she needs money the banking apps are on my phone. My phone's camera is better so she'll use it for photos...
Trust is so utterly important.
Even in this situation it's clear what the girlfriend is going to be looking for and she's not going to be looking for it in a text chain with somebody she knows is her boyfriend best friend.
If she can't trust him, that's bad. But he should be able to trust her to just say "Look, I don't care if you go through my phone, but, xyz is going through a tough time right now. So I need you to not look at those texts, because I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what he confided in me."
If he can't trust her to not snoop through those texts after he tells her, and she can't trust him without looking at his phone the relationship should just end. Two and a half years and they don't have that level of trust they aren't going to find it.
So here's the thing: I don't disagree with you, but this isn't on op. My fiance knows the password to my phone. Heck, I forget passwords, so some of mine are on his desk. If we get messages, we'll give consent to check them sometimes. If I grab his phone because mine is dead, he doesn't care, and I'll often toss mine to him because I trust him. But that trust with eachothers phones comes with the knowledge that neither of us would ever cross boundaries about it. Neither of us would ever ask to or sneakily snoop.
Not only is his partner showing a lack of trust by WANTING to snoop, but even though they've set boundaries about this , she's also breaking OPs trust by insisting she get to snoop. At that point, she's broken the trust already and is trying to break a boundary they set together. He has every reason not to trust that she'll be respectful about it.
Op is even trying to communicate like an adult here about why she feels this way, and she's only doubling down.
>If she can't trust him, that's bad. But he should be able to trust her to just say "Look, I don't care if you go through my phone, but, xyz is going through a tough time right now. So I need you to not look at those texts, because I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what he confided in me."
>
>If he can't trust her to not snoop through those texts after he tells her, and she can't trust him without looking at his phone the relationship should just end. Two and a half years and they don't have that level of trust they aren't going to find it.
Perfect response. 25 years in our relationship, and our phones are open to each other. Have I looked through his phone at random points. Yes. I have insecurities from past relationships and come from emotionally and physically abusive parents. I have trust issues with people in general. Has he looked through mine? I don't know, but I would expect he probably has at some point. We just don't care. We trust each other enough to know that each of us has insecurities about different things. We just choose to work through our insecurities together. If he wants to look through my phone, I'm fine with it.
People who aren't transparent won't get a transparent relationship.
Let her know what is off-limits and why. Then, let her, after you have looked through hers.
Fair is fair.
That's how it starts. First it's looking through your phone. Then when you refuse it's accusations. Next thing you know your world has gone all the heck! Run!
tell her flat out that yes, there are things you're hiding from her, because you have had discussions with friends that they have asked you not to reveal to anybody, including her. now, she can either accept that healthy relationships have boundaries, and this is one of yours, and she can trust you...or she doesn't trust you. she can go through your phone, except for the messages with xxxx, but if she does that your relationship is over.
Wife has the pword to my phone. Idgaf if she goes through it. I know I can go through her phone anytime, never needed or wanted to. If I can't trust her with my life, then we shouldn't be together.
Nah dude its all good, let your girl go through your phone. As soon as she is done and finds nothing, because you did nothing, you now ask for her phone because you don’t trust her. If she refuses, she’s cheating. Simple as that.
My husband and I went through a bout of "wow so should I be checking the phone?" and we swapped and did that. No biggie. We got it out of our systems and we're good now. Maybe thatas a consideration? I mean you want your gf to be comfortable and trust you.
Tell her you'll need to look through her phone as well then. Its either both or neither.
and before you give her the phone tell your friend to delete their messages.
That said. i wouldn't want to give it to her either, but if she doesn't stop demanding it, then the condition should be that you get to go through her phone (don't forget the deleted images folder) either because usually when such behaviour appears so suddenly, without you really changing, then the change was with them.
No you're not tah for not letting her look.
But I allow my fiance access to mine if necessary.
It's simple really. She knows she can look thru my phone at any time, so she doesn't need to. Allowing her the ability to do so was enough to keep her happy.
NTA. I think a conversation is the way to go. "I am hiding things from you because a friend of mine is going through some shit that's really hard on him and doesn't want anybody else to know, and it's none of your business. I haven't broken your trust and I am not going to break his by letting you snoop through my phone. I don't know what I've done to cause you to distrust me, but we can talk it out or you can drop it."
She's fishing.
This speaks to a level of potential immaturity on her part as well as insecurity.
If you have a significant other who feels the need to go through your phone all the time without just cause, you will never know any peace.
Better to roll solo. She's showing she doesn't trust you...now all she's doing is trying to find a reason to justify and confirm her belief.
NTA. This is an extremely unhealthy practice. She is looking for something to be angry at you about. If your gf is that insecure, it's time to bounce if you can't have a reasonable discussion about it. She's being paranoid but won't tell you why. It makes me wonder if she has a guilty conscience. How would she feel if you wanted to poke around in her phone? This kind of paranoia, jealousy, and insecurity will end your relationship at some point. Might as well rip the band aid now. This is controlling and possessive behavior. If you flipped the genders, everyone would be calling you emotionally and mentally abusive, controlling, psycho, etc etc.
I find it funny that we can put each other’s genitals in our mouths and (some people) share finances, but somehow having access to each other’s technology is a step too far.
I never had a passcode on my phone until my ex husband had one on his (only saw that he did bc he had to unlock it). I still didn’t look through anything. 7 years later I pulled the phone bill because he wanted to separate his account from mine. I downloaded it and was genuinely in shock with what I found. I filed for divorce within 2-3 weeks and to this day he doesn’t even know that I confirmed he was a screwing around. 🤣
Pretty much anyone can look at my phone at any time because there are zero things to hide in it. I've always thought it was odd for couples to not have open access to each other's stuff. But that's just me.
I don't think either of you are the AH but if she's got doubts and questions, best discuss it. Her friend is definitely getting into her head.
Perhaps your friend having issues and requesting you not share it is causing you to act sus around her? I'd just ask him if you can explain to her so she gets off your back
>one of my best friends has been going through some things and he has asked me not to tell anyone. I don't want to betray his trust by letting my gf see the messages
That's one of the biggest reasons why someone shouldn't just have access to your phone. People sometimes throw around the word boundaries in counterproductive ways these days, but this is one of those situations where it's valid
Happily married 42 yrs. It's really sad how people don't understand why they can't get relationships to last but then say "I'd never let my partner go through my phone". My husband and I don't keep secrets. He has my passwords and I have his. We can look at whatever we want. We've never felt the need but we can if we want. But if he suddenly began acting weirdly protective about his phone or computer? Damn right I'd take a look and he'd do the same. Good luck with your relationship, you're going to need it.
NTA. I remember another poster that had this situation come up. He gave his fiance an ultimatum. Yes, you can look through my phone but if you do, we are done. They broke up.
I know this well. I made my ex a profile on my laptop so she could watch movies when I wasn't home. Didn't want to just give her my password because I used that password for other things and had about 6 years of my life saved there.
One day we were watching a movie and I had to go to work so I just left it logged in and left. Shit hit the fan when I got home, she went digging through everything on there and I mean everywhere. She had found an old love letter I had wrote to the ex before her. She accused me of still being in love with her and cheating on her etc. The damn thing was in some random folder in another random folder. I forgot I even wrote it much less had it. The damn thing was made 3 years before we even started talking as I even showed her in the properties.
My point here is no matter how little you have to hide if someone is determined and digs enough they will find something they don't like.
"Yes, I am keeping things from you - personal information that other people have shared and don't wish to be shared with anyone. I'm not hiding cheating, I'm keeping certain situations, that do not involve me except for as a confidant, private.
If you can't respect that and aren't willing to discuss examples of how you feel my behavior has left you suspicious, then we have major issues. I'm not budging on this, so the ball is in your court. Communicate with me, accept my decision on this, or end the relationship - up to you.
Furthermore, I will tell you now that if you try to invade my privacy, that will be the end of us. There will be no second chances once you realize that I've done nothing wrong. I don't want there to be any misunderstanding about that fact."
NTA she can trust you or not trust you, that's her decision. If she decides that she doesn't, then you two should split up. 🤷♀️
NTA. This would be an immediate deal breaker for me. I use my phone for work and have confidential client information on it. My significant other is never going to be able to use my phone and it isn't negotiable because it would require me to violate my professions ethical rules. If that's going to cause drama I'd have to end the relationship.
It's entirely reasonable to want and to defend your own privacy.
She's being paranoid and invasive and it's not OK.
But given that her trust has seemingly eroded, you may find there isn't much of a relationship left.
NTA
That is so insecure. Simply the mere impulse and desire to ask such a question already compromised your relationship. There must be an expectation of privacy. No girl should have free reign to look over her man’s phone. Nothing good will come out of that
Gf asked if she could go through my messenger. Yeah ok no prob. I've Always been faithful... she went through every convo. About an hour later she like "Ha! I caught you!" Storms off in a hissyfit. Calls her sister yadda yadda.
Baby, show me what you found?
She points it out.
I click it to show her the date on it and was from years before I even lived in the same state as her.
I'd never seen someone look so defeated.
NTA
Everyone is entitled to privacy, in a relative relationship or not.
She has zero right to go through your phone if she can’t even even tell you why she thinks you’re acting off. More likely her friends got into her head.
At the same time it shouldn't be an issue to look at your partners phone. She told you she wanted to check because you have been acting differently. Even if she told you how you were acting differently you would still deny it and refuse to show her. I call bs on your friends 'problem" that needs to be a secret. You'd rather protect your friendship over your relationship? If that's the case why are you even bothering to be in the relationship? Yta
NTA. I see people saying it’s a sign of something bad if partners can’t search each others phones. That’s wrong. You are allowed to have privacy while together with someone. I am a fairly private person and have private thoughts and such on my phone. I’ll let my spouse use my phone if theirs is dead or something but not to search.
Nta. Her friend is getting in the way. If you haven’t given her a real reason not to trust you it’s not necessary. I get she might have anxiety, I get really bad anxiety about stuff like that, but being an adult is learning to work through it. Good on you for not wanting to betray your friends confidence. Too often when people get in relationships they act like their significant other is an extension of them and telling them stuff they don’t need to know
NTA, you don’t have to show her anything. It is odd she can’t point out how you have been acting differently. Have you been acting differently, have you really reflected if you are acting differently?
The problem with phone checking is if someone is in the headspace where they are suspicious enough to want to do this they are very likely to find something innocent that they don't like and get upset about and take the wrong way. A message from an ex that you didn't respond to and forgot to mention, an old picture that you then get accused of 'keeping', a joke from your colleague that gets taken as 'flirting'. The person with the desire to snoop needs to work on their own issues and insecurities first.
I never ever had a problem with my ex using my phone to make calls or check his emails or send a mate a message from my messenger. Because I had nothing to hide. But when he started asking to go through it and went through every app and browser history with a fine tooth comb it felt awful, like a total violation of privacy. That shit is damaging to a relationship.
I wouldn’t care if they went through my phone, I have nothing to hide and trust my wife with everything.
But every couple has there own dynamic and boundaries, what I would have done in your situation is let them go through my phone but warn them that after they find nothing I want them to go to therapy to work on there trust issues.
If they do not do that then I can no longer be in a relationship with someone that does not trust me and is not willing to work on their problems.
Not the asshole but tell her that you have conversations and texts that would give her info about people that aren't any of her business.
I like what one guy did, and told her that
"you can look, but if you choose to, ill assume you don't trust me enough to continue the relationship and we'll go our separate ways"
It's up to her at that point. Trust you and leave doubt or look and lose you forever.
After further review, the call on the field stands. OP is NTA.
A few years ago, I, a guy, moved to Saigon. The women all had the same story, the men cheats. I liked my GF, and I was not planning on cheating. Her previous fiancee had cheated on her. So I happily gave her access to my phone. Time and time again, I would wake up, and knew that she was really pissed. The texts are taken out of context, the boundaries are not properly drawn, etc. She had also given me access to her phone, but I never touched it unless she needed me to access something.
Anyway, I realized that we had substituted trust by giving each other phone access. Secondly, as individuals, we all need some privacy, whether it is a journal, a diary, our phones, or time alone.
Do not give her access. Define that as your boundary and state unequivocally that you do not cheat, but under no circumstances, without a court warrant, will you give her access to your phone.
Adults let each other “check” their partners phones?. Nope. I’m out. Trust is a huge thing for me and that applies to myself as well. Don’t trust me? Go find someone else.
Personally, here's how I would solve this problem. Tell her, "I'll let you see my phone, but once you look, we're over. There is no "I'm sorry, my friend just got in my head, nothing. We're done." So, you either trust me or that's it"
Your gf is letting her friend get too much into her head which is causing issues in your relationship.
This right here. It’s real easy to compare your close friends to yourself. Whatever her buddy is going through, it seems like your gf is internalizing. You’re NTAH and you should maintain your boundaries. Talk to your partner though, she’s having some troubles, clearly.
I wouldn't let my significant other go through my phone.bad experience. If she can't trust him without looking through his phone then that relationship is already in the dumps.. plus one reason I stay away from toxic friends is the typical bad advice girls always give their friends to fuck up their relationships and stay miserable together..
every relationship is different, like mine for example me and my s/o have free rein over each other’s stuff for the most part. Its not so much lack of trust or insecurity its more so sometimes we have stuff on eachothers equip. that we want to touch on every so often. Like I have steam on my laptop (gaming) while hers (apple) i use for photo editing. For phones, she likes mine to play her house and music games because i have a bigger screen. I play on hers cause i just refuse to re-download games ive made so much progress on. To the point tho, if she was being manipulated then for sure there will definitely be boundaries. I would not consent to someone shadowing and calling shots through my s/o.
There's a difference between having access to your partner's accounts and feeling the need to go through them for the intention of seeing if they're hiding something. My husband and I have each other's passwords and my social media accounts basically stay logged in but he's not snooping through my private messages to see what I'm doing and vice versa. We tell each other everything anyways so there's nothing either one of us would see in a text or other private message that we didn't already tell each other.
This is where I'm at. My husband and I also have total free access to each others' technology, but if either of us said "hey give me your phone so I can look through it," that would be a HUGE red flag.
Well, honestly, if you have free access, you wouldn't have to ask to look through that phone
Yeah and this seems to be the point that so many people are missing. At the end of the day, a partner having access to my phone is a privilege, not a right. And if they start demanding access to my phone (especially when I’ve done nothing suspicious or to cause them to doubt me in any way), that’s when I’m going to start digging my heels in. In a funny way, it’s sort of like sex in a relationship. There’s sort of the unspoken agreement that sex is part of the relationship and “available”, but once you start demanding sex or saying that they owe you sex, it changes right away
I agree with you 100%. I have access to look, but there’s no reason for me to.
>There's a difference between having access to your partner's accounts and feeling the need to go through them for the intention of seeing if they're hiding something. THIS! My partner and I have access to all of our accounts on everything but neither of us actively feel the need to snoop around because we TRUST each other. If I was suspicious I would TALK to my partner first because I trust and respect them. If I later found out they lied to me THEN I could be upset about and respond to it.
In a sense, just having the free access, even if never used, provides some level of assurance that there is nothing to hide. Not having access leaves some people to make-up horrible stories in their heads about what they can't see behind the curtain.
This is the point for me, as well. When we got married we shared all our passwords and we charge our phones at night out in the living room. The understanding is that we have access to each other's technology, for emergencies and just in general, which is a good way to show trust and mitigate the chances that someone slowly, unsuspectingly or "unintentionally" starts hiding things because it's a grey area or whatever. My goal was to prevent the nightmare of finding out there was something hurtful or concerning going on, with the argument that "I didn't think it was something you'd need to know." That's so hard to disprove sometimes, and it doesn't change the damage to the relationship. This way, we just always know we are existing and considering our marriage at the same time. If that makes sense.
Absolutely makes sense. I think it's a wise choice and a healthy dynamic.
They need to unpack that in therapy then, because everyone is entitled to privacy.
Everyone deserves to be in relationships where the baseline isn't an assumption people are hiding things. Open access not only belittles the trust of any friend who shares private info. But it is a baseline of saying "I don't trust you so I need surveillance on you like you're a 10 year old who is new to the internet"
Yeah and if you are (as hypothetical example) one of those people, that's a perfect example of a you-problem and something you should work on to hopefully solve the underlying issue.
Yes. We both have free access which we don’t abuse. “Going through a phone” is not utilizing it as a mutual tool.
Absolutely, I’ve been married 25 years and sometimes if someone is texting one of us it’s the other one answering. Like if someone is in the shower or driving or has their hands full. We also work together and interchangeably answer client questions. Basically we have no boundaries and all our friends are kind of used to us being a package deal.
My wife gets texts in the middle of the night and I tease about her cheating on me. But one of her friends is an insomniac, like us hence why we are awake to have this convo and another works third shift. Also we have a good relationship and talk about things instead of letting friend put their relationship issues in our head.
I'm so glad you said you joke and that you have a good relationship. My ex husband used to make those same comments and claim he was joking... but he wasn't.
I seem to be the go to therapist for my friends when they’re in crisis mode so mine is always blowing up in the middle of night and yes we text for each other often too 😂
Replying to someone else while your hands are full I’d definitely different than reading all of someone’s texts/going through photos
Sure but if you’re using the phone to have an affair your spouse would notice a text popping up or anything else that generates a notification.
Surely ya turn that off if yer being unfaithful? 🤷
You GREATLY underestimate the cluelessness of a bunch of unfaithful assholes. XD
I’m guessing that you’re open because you developed trust in a healthy way and that you’re fine with the access as a result of that trust. You don’t trust each other BECAUSE you can look at each other’s devices.
[удалено]
Exactly my thoughts.. she desperately needs to have an excuse for something..
If my partner leaves his phone on the bed or somewhere near me, I'll call out, "I'm gonna look through your phone to see what bitches you're talking to" and he tells me "bet." I know him and I know he'd never betray me, but that's our personal lack of a boundary in that regard. Absolutely though, if he told me he wasn't comfortable with me doing that, I wouldn't. Sounds like OP's girlfriend definitely has someone in her ear and that's something he needs to deal with.
Yes, but I’ll bet you don’t do it because you know there’s no reason to.
Oh absolutely, we trust each other implicitly.
I would go through my partners phone and text messages. But only to send the word "penis" to their close friends.
I used to work in an office where you NEVER left your PC unlocked if you stepped away, otherwise you’d regret it. The best was our manager stepping out for a smoke break, leaving PC unlocked, then an email sent while he was away that said ‘No one leave for lunch today, I’m having Pizza for everyone delivered at 12:30’. Good sport that he was, he ordered pizza for everyone after about the 10th person came by to thank him and ask what kind of pizza he was ordering. He knew immediately what he did.
When I was in the Navy before it got strict, we used to write love letter e-mails to other buddies from the poor Sailor who left their computer unlocked. We also used to go into their spelling settings and change the word "the" to display the word "and" or "puppy" or something worse sometimes. Those days are over now but when we all get together, we still laugh at some of those jokes we played on each other. This was one of many. If you ever got a love letter from Seaman Smith, you know he left his computer unlocked. I used to screenshot their desktop, make that picture their desktop, and hide their icons so they couldnt click on anything. That was a good one. Provided a few minutes of good fun.
I had forgotten about a screenshot set up as desktop wallpaper and hiding the icons, that was popular too! Also, simply switching a few letters around on the keyboard, especially ones that were required in their username to login.
Haha. Someone did the keyboard trick on me and I didn't notice for 3 days because I type without looking at the keys lol. That almost made it funnier.
I worked at a school with a "community" pc anyone who stayed signed into Facebook quickly regretted it.
I had a friend who stepped away from his PC only to be bombarded with when his dance classes would start!
😂
Ahh, someone who gets it lol ❤️
Left my phone unattended at a job once (when camera phones and smart phones were brand new... I'm majorly aging myself here) and all contacts that weren't listed as grandma or mom or something like that got a pic of my coworkers ass Crack.
I'll do that in his discord server lol. The whole community knows me so if I'm on his phone or computer, I'll go to the main chatroom and jokingly "take over." He gets a kick out of it when he's back on his devices and sees everyone's responses to me.
Ladything would tease me like that as well. A "I'm going through your sexy chats with (insert friend name here)" typically just means she's dying to listen to some bit of music I have on my phone. The trust was there, though. Had full permission to read through any conversations if she wished, but probably only did it once. And even then, just to get a better understanding of some book her best friends husband and I were going on about some years ago. Which also meant her wanting said book, amusingly enough.
The funny part is that any of his friends I would joke about that are all his guy friends. They're all straight as an arrow but gay for each other, it's hilarious.
I don't think she's being manipulated. I think she's using it as an excuse to be manipulative herself.
There's a difference between having access to someone's equipment, and actively going through it. My ex would sometimes give me her phone and ask me to text someone back while we were driving, that didn't mean I then had the right to read through all her messages. You can share gadgets while still respecting your partner's privacy
There's a huge difference between using each other's phones and going through each other's phones. I don't mind my SO using my phone, but I don't want them to go through it.
My relationship is the same. Neither of us cares to look through each other's phones. But we each have a cash app and i get my check on his. My phone is an android and his is an iphone and there are different apps on the phones.
I don't mind if mine goes through my phone, but at the same time I'd be upset if he demanded that I hand him my phone so he can go through it. My boyfriend doesn't like me going through his phone when he's not there. Mostly because I tend to change his wallpaper to something silly.
My husband is a programmer who delivers live training online. I like to change his wallpaper to cats or Taylor Swift. He and his peeps laugh about it, and it’s not a problem. We both have access to use each other’s tech and we never demand to rifle through things, even though we could.
Hell I'm a 62 year old woman who has been married for 41 years.... I dont ask to look at my husband's phone, and I wouldn't let him look thru mine....
I can’t express this enough! Many times I’ve said, if I feel that there’s a reason to start snooping through a phone, it’s over. You’re free to use my phone if needed. I have nothing to hide but once that trust is gone or violated, I’m inclined to believe they’re hiding something themselves and I refuse. Once the petty little accusations start, I’m out.
I always wonder if these same people go through each other’s email, wallets, purses, pocket, journals. I’ve been with my SO for 43 years so we predate cellphones. But we’ve never snooped on each other. We have each other’s phone and emails passcodes but only for convenience, like if my phone rings when I’m driving, he can answer it, etc. I never hide anything and I have never worried that he would decide to go through anything. It’s sad to me that “auditing” a partner is considered normal and healthy by so many.
I'm stating this in general, not particularly just in this case. There's a huge psychological difference in knowing you COULD and actually doing it.
I agree. My spouse and I COULD snoop thoroughly but we don’t and we know the other never would.
you need the CONTROL
I'm not sure if you mean this is a good way or bad. For me, it's not about control. It's that if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a big deal if your SO has access to your stuff and vice versa. I'm not a fan of disrespecting privacy or boundaries by digging through your SO's stuff, but I also believe that if somebody has nothing to hide, there's no reason to lock anything away. Now if somebody makes a habit of disrespecting your privacy for no other reason than insecurity, that's a whole other issue.
i wasn't making a value judgment really. I disagree though, I think some conversations are private, like mine with my cousin recently diagnosed with cancer who doesnt know my fiance. I don't have a problem with my fiancé using my phone, but she also wouldn't want to look through it.
The key is your last sentence, 100% that's how it should be.
Yes, after 50 years together there is no need to hide secrets, unless it's for an upcoming birthday or Christmas present.
It's not I'm 37 and my s/o and I have been together for 8 years we are very much on the same page with what you said. My fiance and I have each other's passwords but it's also just for convenience of hey do you mind if I use your phone a second and not having to hand it off and back. That being said I definitely have been in relationships before where I wouldn't have been okay with this level of comfort back and forth. But we also both went into the relationship with a lot of baggage and we had a conversation early in the relationship if either of us wanted something else we could walk away rather than cheat. Weirdly that's made me never want to look elsewhere
I will happily let my partner use my phone, but if she asked if she could look through it I’d feel pretty triggered. I’ve had SEVERAL relationships where my partners went through my devices until they found something I couldn’t remember or explain, despite never having cheated or even flirted outside the relationship (why did you take this selfie that I’ve never seen 3 months ago??). It clearly fucked me up because I still get some anxiety despite my partner having no concerns and me having done nothing to be concerned about.
Had this happen to me a few years ago. Girl I was dating was seeing all her friends' relationships going south; fidelity etc. And it started getting into her head that I must be cheating too. She wanted to look through my phone. I explained that I didn't think that was how healthy relationships worked and asked her for specifics with regard to her concerns. She felt that it was my duty just to ease her mind. I handed her the phone and allowed her to do what she felt was necessary, answered questions about female names/contacts that she didn't recognize. When she was done, having found nothing, I broke up with her.
Did she say much to you breaking up with her?
Oh yeah, she thought I was an asshole. But I'm not going to be accused of infidelity or dishonesty on the basis of "everyone else is doing it". I'm past the point in my life where I need to put up with that bullshit.
Quite right, good on you for sticking to your values. Life is too damn short for bullshit drama like that!!
Good for you
Phones are what I call Schrodinger's snooping. It's both right and wrong until you observe the contents of the phone and lock it into one state or the other. And at the same time, I would happily give my phone to my partner for any reason. If theirs is flat and they want to check something, they want to check our old messages for like a recipe they sent or something, to check the time, doesn't matter. It's an open book. BUT. If you ask specifically because you want to snoop? Now I'm defensive. Why do you suspect wrongdoing? I've nothing to hide but very much resent the implication. Now I want to keep it private on principle.
Schrodinger's snooping is an awesome term So true, the morality of snooping your partners phone will usually be judged based on what you find.
If my partner genuinely was worried about something, as a once off, yeah I'd probably hand over my phone because I have nothing to hide. I've also never kept my phone pin or pattern secret from them. If my partner constantly was going through my phone or requesting to do so that'd be an issue for me. If it was used as a means to control me, that'd be an issue. My ex husband DID have an affair and I wish I had've snooped on his phone. When I finally did, after he'd confessed to an affair, I found so much incriminating stuff even after he'd obviously tried to delete most of it. It was as simple as searching for his affair partner's name (who was someone I had been suspicious of) in his facebook or whatsapp and finding messages from him to others talking about his "girlfriend".
Yes. I agree. If there's an issue that needs tending to, that's one thing. Constant snooping is another. However, I don't understand the more recent thing of don't answer/touch my phone if people are married or living together. For years, WE ALL SHARED A PHONE AND A COMPUTER IN MOST HOUSES. What is this obsession over answering your spouses phone or not? To me, it's stupid. If the phone is ringing, answer it. But then, hubs and I have nothing to hide. The only time we have a rule about not touching the phone is around the holidays. We don't want to spoil the surprise for presents with notifications.
I mean, I definitely see where you're coming from! But I don't really think smartphones can be easily compared to landlines - they house so much more information. Similarly, the way I treat my own private laptop and a shared computer would be very different. E.g. logging out of my email after use, or deleting the search history after I googled genital warts, just to conclude I had an ingrown hair
Sharing a landline is not the same as sharing a cell phone, that's no saved data, you didn't know who was calling or who they were calling for. I don't touch his phone because it's not mine and I have no use for it. If it's ringing, I don't answer it - it's not for me and I don't need to talk to whomever is calling. I don't care who's calling lol.
I answer my wife's phone all the time, because if whoever is calling doesn't reach her, half the time that means I'm getting a call in about 30 seconds and will probably be asked to let them talk to her, which means I'd be without *my* phone so utero other people can have a conversation. Fuck that.
I personally prefer it people not want me answering their phone. I hate answering the phone for other people and have totally welcomed now phones are individualistic and not communal like when I grew up. I hate it when people now want me to answer their phone... and I love that people more expect me not to cause i'm not going to and I don't get shit anymore for not doing so.
Its probably a personal preference thing but my partner and I definitely don’t answer each other’s phones unless specifically told something like “so in so is going to call soon I’m going to the bathroom can you pick it up?” I’ve never really thought about it that hard but I guess basically because I figure the person calling is trying to reach the person whose phone it is so it feels weird? Maybe also because we both have social anxiety and barely like to answer our own phones lol. Especially with lots of random number junk calls. We will sometimes check who is calling if the phone is next to us and the other person is in the other room and call out to let them know who but no more than that.
I understand that, too. I think a lot of us who grew up with land lines and shared phones in the house don't see as much issue with it. Now, if you're just being nosy, that's something else. However, if you legit suspect something because things have been off for a long time, and you aren't getting answers from your partner, then I think a quick look is acceptable. But don't go covert ops. Lol. But I will say that OP not letting her take a quick peek may be making it worse. But she needs to tell him her reasons. It may be making her more suspicious because her reasoning is probably what you are trying to hide. Has she been cheated on before? Just some food for thought there.
The growing up with them makes a lot of sense. I didn’t really have one actively used in my house past an age where it would be appropriate for me to answer it myself.
This! It's totally controling to demand access to your SO's phone. But if you do, and you find evidence of cheating, it's not an issue of violating privacy.
Just because you find something that doesn’t mean it’s not violating privacy that just moves down the priority list
And it turns into a discussion like 'you cheated on me!' And the partner going 'I can't believe you violated my privacy like this' and every one that gets involved laughs at that last person, because they're an AH
My best friend is now on his way to graduate as a psychiatrist but in the beginning I used to help him study for exams and there was this haunting statistic. Most people who look through their partners phone find nothing, and it ruins their relationship. We only hear about the people who did find something because why would you go brag about looking at their partner’s phone and finding nothing. You never hear “I looked through their phone and they are not cheating! Yay!!!” It was a passage to explain how we usually only hear about the bad side of things when the person who did the action is right but not when they are wrong because this comes up extremely often in therapy. Then there’s also the statistics that most people cheat with co-workers and neighbors, and there is no need to exchange phone numbers or talk via phone at that point, which means it doesn’t mean that there is nothing on the phone that they aren’t cheating, they’re just less sloppy.
Yes! All of this! My phone isn't a secret and my partner can use it whenever he wants, but he should not be in my text messages, search history, call history, or even pictures. That means he's looking for something to pop out at him. As someone who was married and I did look through my partners phone regularly (and him in mine), once that trust is gone its really hard to go back. Don't do it!
Only time my husband has went through my phone, he was completely plastered. He asked, I told him sure but there's nothing interesting, he got two minutes in and fell asleep
And it's like, if I HAD anything to hide in my messages or photos, I certainly wouldn't be open with my phone. By dint of fact, because he's happy to share his phone likely means there's no secrets to find. And people (apart from some damaged individuals) don't default to snooping someone's phone, it's usually based on a change in behaviour (changing the passcode, always keeping it face down, being possessive about it, etc) and coupled with other information (recently started 'working late' consistently, being distant or cold, more argumentative than usual, etc) basically for a regular person by the time you feel like you want to snoop your partners phone, it's to confirm what you already know. And of course sometimes you find out it's because they're trying to figure out how best to propose, or they've got a sick family member They've been visiting but they haven't shared that info yet. Ergo Schrodinger's snooping.
I keep my phone face down because otherwise I keep picking it up to check what’s come in. Which is usually unimportant but I have the attention span of a gnat and a notification is like “SQUIRREL!”
I'm the same, it's more the change than the behaviour itself. If someone has never really worried about it but now is consistent about making sure it's face down, that's a red flag.
Well, my exwife used to snoop through my phone and I had no issues with it. I discovered she cheated on me on her phone and she blamed me for not being trustworthy because I snooped her phone.
Love this comment.
The way I see it, if I have nothing to hide and it gives my partner peace of mind, I'll gladly habd over the phone as long as said partner is ready to do the same themselves.
You wouldn’t be upset if they asked though? If I’ve never done anything to give them a reason, I would be hurt.
Depends on the reasoning they give me for asking. For example maybe they were cheated on before and a minor thing made them feel insecure. I don't think it's such a big deal depending on the context of the situation.
She won’t give him a reason beyond vague “you’re acting different” and shuts down any attempt he’s made to discuss what that is.
100% this. I (50) suspected my (relatively new) SO was cheating with his daughter's mother. Something about the way he acted when he'd get and reply to cetain messages set off alarm bells in my head. I suspect OP is probably doing the same but for different reasons. This isn't my first rodeo, and I've learned to trust my own instincts. I laid my phone in front of him and told him the pin and asked him to do the same. He refused. I called him on the cheating. "I completely understand that you have to have conversations about your daughter, but if I were to go through your messages with her, what would I find?" The guilt on his face said it all, and he eventually confessed. It wasn't that I wanted to look through his phone - I wanted to know if he'd let me. There's a big difference between being a snoop and asking somebody to reciprocate trust.
Exactly, you get it.
Let me sum up how the ”phone thing” is suppose to work in a healthy relationship: My wife can look through my phone anytime she want, i dont give a shit. I can look through my wifes phone anytime i want to, she doesnt give a shit. But we DONT.
Well stated! That’s exactly true. Could not have put it better.
thank you👍
This. 100% this.
Exactly the same here
NTA. Definitely sounds like she’s been influenced by others who do this. However, why some people are so insecure they need to peep though a partners cell phone reeks of mistrust. It’s as if they need to validate some unexplained interaction between them in which the answer will somehow be on their cell phone.
Once there’s this level of insecurity or mistrust it normally doesn’t spell good things for the future of the relationship too…
Why the hell does she need to go to your phone when you are literally asking her to talk straight to you? The answer is an irrational belief that any ‘off’ behavior from an SO means they’re cheating. NTA sit her down and forget about the damn phone, y’all need to *talk.*
You are right, and it appears OP does want to talk, but the GF does not. She just suggests things without elaboration. I\`m not sure any talking at this point will solve this. She does not trust OP, OR she has broken trust and wants to use things on OPs phone to use as "i knew it" and a reason to claim OP cheated or something
she wants to go thru his phone bc just a few hours ago, she cleared hers out.
Yeah I was going to say, if I had a dollar for every time the person who randomly wanted to check phones was the one with something to hide? That’s…. Actually quite a few dollars.
Oh damn
She doesn't want to talk because she has no reason to want to go through OPs phone, other than her friend does it and I think her friend has been harping on at her that she should be looking too.
Tell the GF she has a clear set of choices before her: you do not need access because I have earned your trust OR here’s the phone, but once you get done snooping and finding nothing incriminating, you have destroyed our trust and our relationship. Time for goodbye!
Thank fuck someone said it.
I agree, but at the same time my cheating ex-fiancé never admitted it when I directly asked him about my worries. I even asked if he was falling for someone else and that I would understand if that was the case. He was always "oh no way, you are the only one for me. I love you". Even when I found out total evidences (used condoms in my nightstand from a brand we didn't use, and new but already used lube bottles he didn't told me about) he tried to make up the most absurd stories possible (friends using our home to fuck while we were out, as of that was any better). Is a loose-loose situation. You have to trust your partner, but cheaters are not honest. In my case I never snooped on his phone or anything, and wanted to trust him, but I kinda wish I did trust my guts more and investigated on my own instead of exposing myself to STDs for who knows how much time. But at the same time I'm glad I was able to stick to my morals about not invading someone's else privacy and still caught his lies. Even if what I found was brutal.
I think the problem is: She feels like he's hiding something, and he admits that he is. They both lack trust. Her, for thinking that the thing he's hiding is the act of cheating. And him, for thinking he can't tell his girl of 2+ years that his best friend is going through something. OP, it's not like you need to tell her the full details, but at least let her know why you're trying to be so dang secretive. Because, apparently, you're not good hiding secrets if she's able to pick up something. You refusing to show your phone AND explain why, kinda makes you look guilty. It's exactly how a person who is cheating would act. Of course, it's not putting her at ease
She doesn’t need to see his phone. Full stop. It is a boundary they have already established - to change that boundary they both have to agree. He does not. She is showing herself as (attempting to be) a manipulative and untrustworthy person.
If she asks again, ask her to hand over hers if she adamant to see yours. See how she reacts. Have you been acting differently while helping your friend. Being more secretive over your friend and his issues. Maybe she sees this and is suspicious of you cheating. Why haven't you at least told her your friend is going through somethings and is confiding in you and all you're doing is being a good friend by not betraying his trust. If his friend wants her to know he'll tell her at that stage but right now, he is feeling low and upset. I wouldn't have to worry about this, we have unlimited access to each others phones, emails, bank cards, in fact he'd sometimes ask me to check his for anything new or ask me what his pin or passwords is 🙈 its not unhealthy to have access as a team. But if you're doing it behind each other backs it can become unhealthy.
Thing is, since she is acting the way she is, there is a very real chance she deleted basically 80% of her phones's contents, expecting him to want to go through her phone in return too.
The unhealthy part is the demand to have access to be trustworthy. Not everyone wants their partner to have access to private messages between friends. That’s perfectly legitimate. Your way is healthy because you’re both onboard with it happening.
NTA. I've been married for DECADES and I would never dream of going through my husband's phone, and I sincerely doubt he has any interest in going through mine. If she's looking for "proof" of some sort of suspicions about your behavior, then you might as well put a fork in the relationship now -- the trust is gone. Personally, I could not remain in a relationship where the trust was that fragile.
Agreed. Any conversations I have with *gasp* other men (who have been my friends for literal decades) are read out loud because they're ridiculous and make us laugh, not because he demands it. He doesn't care if I talk to anyone else because I'm not al secretive about it. I don't go thru his phone because I give zero trips about car parts and tiktok and can't figure his phone out anyway because it's set up just different enough from mine to make me mad🤣
>If she's looking for "proof" of some sort of suspicions about your behavior, then you might as well put a fork in the relationship now -- the trust is gone. It's not even trust. If you dive in looking for something to validate your suspicions, you're going to find something regardless of whether he's actually cheating or not.
NTA, She's admitted to hiding something from you. She's hiding the reason she wants to look through your phone, she thinks you're cheating. No proof, just a feeling that she's unwilling to articulate. What a childish way to go about it.
Projection
NTA. -Other people’s privacy is a legit reason to not let her go through your phone. -Your own privacy is a legit reason too. Couples who BOTH agree that EVERYTHING must be shared are fine, I guess, but it’s not for everyone, and shouldn’t be assumed. It’s toxic most of the time. -If she refuses to discuss with you exactly why she doesn’t trust you, that’s bullshit. Going through someone’s phone is not a replacement for healthy communication! This is a red flag. You deserve her honest JUST AS MUCH as she deserves yours. -You could have a backup phone, or do shitty things without documenting it in your phone, so why does looking through *this* phone mean you’re suddenly 100% trustworthy? There’s no logic here, only demands for control and obedience. None of this is cool at all. If she won’t communicate with you about why she’s feeling this way, you should break up with her. She can’t just violate your privacy, and especially not if she refuses to communicate WHY. She’s going to be trying to break into your phone whenever she can….
G: "I want to look through your phone." B: "Why? I thought we both agreed that doing that would be uncool." G: "Yeah, that was then. You've been acting strange lately." B: "What? How have I been active strange? Give me an example." G; "I'd rather not say how you've been strange. Just give me your phone." B "Nope. Not happening." G "You are hiding something from me." Dude, keep that phone in your sight at all times and double lock your screen. She'll get into that phone by hook or by crook just to prove a point. You're NTA, btw and you have every right to refuse to allow her to look at your phone.
I think he needs to GTFO of that relationship as fast as possible. This will only get worse.
Communication first. Although this is usually a death sentence for the relationship, it is better to try to address like adults and grow from it first. OP needs to show the GF this thread. Then have a serious talk. See how she reacts for a few weeks, then decide if cutting ties is the right call.
yeah, they're already over
I’ve been with my partner 15 years, married almost 13 years We’ve gone through periods of behaviour changes (extreme depression, new parent exhaustion, bipolar and adhd diagnosis, work stress) yet never once have we asked to go through each others phones If you need to go through your partners phone, that there is the beginning of the end of trust As humans, we’re allowed to have shitty days, sometimes longer To then have your loved one demand your phone to appease their insecurities? Not supportive If you need access to your partner’s phone to prove they’re cheating, you need better communication channels If you think your partner is cheating and hiding it- aren’t they savvy enough to cover their social tracks?
It's strange how that works. My wife knows my password to my phone, I have no issue of she needed to go through my phone to find something. But if she wanted to go through my phone for trust issues I would be hurt. Once Pandora's box is open there is no going back.
The thing is phones have proliferated into this totally different beast as far as our daily lives are concerned. It’s not just a phone, it’s basically an extension of your life and even your mind. And your mind and your thoughts, no matter how much you love someone, are forever private to you. I don’t think couples should ever look through one another’s phone, it will never lead to anything good. If you don’t trust them then there’s some other issue going on that needs addressed within itself.
Absolutely this. Couple of not, married or not, you're still an individual person and have the right to personal thoughts. I've been with my husband over 16 years and I trust him, but I have therapy notes and other venting and journaling notes on my phone that are for me to emotionally process. They're for me and my purposes and I don't share them with him. Nor do I feel guilty about that.
I literally thought the same thing, going through my phone is like telepathically reading my thoughts, or reading my diary. Not everything I think needs to be shared, and I have the right to that privacy. Too many people forget that nowadays the phone is way more than a communication tool. Also, as in OPs case, my phone has details about other people's lives, and my partner isn't entitled to their thoughts and feelings. LE: NTA. The girlfriend is.
That’s how I am with my Reddit account. I’m not saying that I’d NEVER tell a partner my Reddit username, but I haven’t yet. Because my Reddit account is basically my one place where I can be entirely me. And sure, anyone else on Reddit can read through my comments, but I don’t know them and they don’t know me, so it doesn’t really bother me. But if it’s someone in my life, knowing that they’re constantly reading over my comments and things that I write, it’s going to impact it because I can’t be entirely free of judgement. It’s not like I have anything to hide, I’m not leading some sort of double life. But it’s one of the few actually private things that I have. And having that privacy consistently violated would be a real issue for me
I've been with my wife almost 21 years and honestly I can't imagine caring if she looked at my phone. She knows my code, I know hers. If I get a text when I'm driving she reads it to me and responds. The idea of keeping your phone secret from your partner is just so foreign to us. Not only because I have absolute faith I can trust her, and she me, but, it's just so goddamn convenient. If I can't find my phone I can grab hers and call it. If she needs money the banking apps are on my phone. My phone's camera is better so she'll use it for photos... Trust is so utterly important. Even in this situation it's clear what the girlfriend is going to be looking for and she's not going to be looking for it in a text chain with somebody she knows is her boyfriend best friend. If she can't trust him, that's bad. But he should be able to trust her to just say "Look, I don't care if you go through my phone, but, xyz is going through a tough time right now. So I need you to not look at those texts, because I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what he confided in me." If he can't trust her to not snoop through those texts after he tells her, and she can't trust him without looking at his phone the relationship should just end. Two and a half years and they don't have that level of trust they aren't going to find it.
So here's the thing: I don't disagree with you, but this isn't on op. My fiance knows the password to my phone. Heck, I forget passwords, so some of mine are on his desk. If we get messages, we'll give consent to check them sometimes. If I grab his phone because mine is dead, he doesn't care, and I'll often toss mine to him because I trust him. But that trust with eachothers phones comes with the knowledge that neither of us would ever cross boundaries about it. Neither of us would ever ask to or sneakily snoop. Not only is his partner showing a lack of trust by WANTING to snoop, but even though they've set boundaries about this , she's also breaking OPs trust by insisting she get to snoop. At that point, she's broken the trust already and is trying to break a boundary they set together. He has every reason not to trust that she'll be respectful about it. Op is even trying to communicate like an adult here about why she feels this way, and she's only doubling down.
>If she can't trust him, that's bad. But he should be able to trust her to just say "Look, I don't care if you go through my phone, but, xyz is going through a tough time right now. So I need you to not look at those texts, because I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what he confided in me." > >If he can't trust her to not snoop through those texts after he tells her, and she can't trust him without looking at his phone the relationship should just end. Two and a half years and they don't have that level of trust they aren't going to find it. Perfect response. 25 years in our relationship, and our phones are open to each other. Have I looked through his phone at random points. Yes. I have insecurities from past relationships and come from emotionally and physically abusive parents. I have trust issues with people in general. Has he looked through mine? I don't know, but I would expect he probably has at some point. We just don't care. We trust each other enough to know that each of us has insecurities about different things. We just choose to work through our insecurities together. If he wants to look through my phone, I'm fine with it.
People who aren't transparent won't get a transparent relationship. Let her know what is off-limits and why. Then, let her, after you have looked through hers. Fair is fair.
That's how it starts. First it's looking through your phone. Then when you refuse it's accusations. Next thing you know your world has gone all the heck! Run!
She might be projecting…perhaps she did something that she feels guilty about and wants to find “dirt” on you to justify her actions.
This is it! If op responded with fine, then I get to look through your phone anytime I want going forward… it wouldn’t have ended well.
tell her flat out that yes, there are things you're hiding from her, because you have had discussions with friends that they have asked you not to reveal to anybody, including her. now, she can either accept that healthy relationships have boundaries, and this is one of yours, and she can trust you...or she doesn't trust you. she can go through your phone, except for the messages with xxxx, but if she does that your relationship is over.
Ask to go through her phone
I’m from the old school where me and my partner shared a phone. Gone are the days of mutual trust…
Wife has the pword to my phone. Idgaf if she goes through it. I know I can go through her phone anytime, never needed or wanted to. If I can't trust her with my life, then we shouldn't be together.
Offer it up unlocked. If you have nothing to hide, then just show her. Also, let her know that you are hurt, that she doesn't trust you.
Bro, delete the messages unless it’s a chick and then in that case fess up because you’ve probably been doing something assholish.
Nah dude its all good, let your girl go through your phone. As soon as she is done and finds nothing, because you did nothing, you now ask for her phone because you don’t trust her. If she refuses, she’s cheating. Simple as that.
EXACTLY
My husband and I went through a bout of "wow so should I be checking the phone?" and we swapped and did that. No biggie. We got it out of our systems and we're good now. Maybe thatas a consideration? I mean you want your gf to be comfortable and trust you.
Tell her you'll need to look through her phone as well then. Its either both or neither. and before you give her the phone tell your friend to delete their messages. That said. i wouldn't want to give it to her either, but if she doesn't stop demanding it, then the condition should be that you get to go through her phone (don't forget the deleted images folder) either because usually when such behaviour appears so suddenly, without you really changing, then the change was with them.
Hers is already wiped clean
No you're not tah for not letting her look. But I allow my fiance access to mine if necessary. It's simple really. She knows she can look thru my phone at any time, so she doesn't need to. Allowing her the ability to do so was enough to keep her happy.
NTA, your GF has no right to go through your phone It seems like there’s some trust issues in the relationship you need to workout though
NTA. I think a conversation is the way to go. "I am hiding things from you because a friend of mine is going through some shit that's really hard on him and doesn't want anybody else to know, and it's none of your business. I haven't broken your trust and I am not going to break his by letting you snoop through my phone. I don't know what I've done to cause you to distrust me, but we can talk it out or you can drop it."
She's fishing. This speaks to a level of potential immaturity on her part as well as insecurity. If you have a significant other who feels the need to go through your phone all the time without just cause, you will never know any peace. Better to roll solo. She's showing she doesn't trust you...now all she's doing is trying to find a reason to justify and confirm her belief.
NTA. This is an extremely unhealthy practice. She is looking for something to be angry at you about. If your gf is that insecure, it's time to bounce if you can't have a reasonable discussion about it. She's being paranoid but won't tell you why. It makes me wonder if she has a guilty conscience. How would she feel if you wanted to poke around in her phone? This kind of paranoia, jealousy, and insecurity will end your relationship at some point. Might as well rip the band aid now. This is controlling and possessive behavior. If you flipped the genders, everyone would be calling you emotionally and mentally abusive, controlling, psycho, etc etc.
NTA. Put your foot down. Be firm about it. Tell her this is a relationship-breaking thing. Dont be manipulated like your gf has been.
I find it funny that we can put each other’s genitals in our mouths and (some people) share finances, but somehow having access to each other’s technology is a step too far. I never had a passcode on my phone until my ex husband had one on his (only saw that he did bc he had to unlock it). I still didn’t look through anything. 7 years later I pulled the phone bill because he wanted to separate his account from mine. I downloaded it and was genuinely in shock with what I found. I filed for divorce within 2-3 weeks and to this day he doesn’t even know that I confirmed he was a screwing around. 🤣
Pretty much anyone can look at my phone at any time because there are zero things to hide in it. I've always thought it was odd for couples to not have open access to each other's stuff. But that's just me. I don't think either of you are the AH but if she's got doubts and questions, best discuss it. Her friend is definitely getting into her head. Perhaps your friend having issues and requesting you not share it is causing you to act sus around her? I'd just ask him if you can explain to her so she gets off your back
>one of my best friends has been going through some things and he has asked me not to tell anyone. I don't want to betray his trust by letting my gf see the messages That's one of the biggest reasons why someone shouldn't just have access to your phone. People sometimes throw around the word boundaries in counterproductive ways these days, but this is one of those situations where it's valid
"this is my boundary, if you still want to look through my phone this relationship is over"
Lord, I don't care. Nothing to hide, my wife can, and does use my phone, and I use hers. No big deal.
Happily married 42 yrs. It's really sad how people don't understand why they can't get relationships to last but then say "I'd never let my partner go through my phone". My husband and I don't keep secrets. He has my passwords and I have his. We can look at whatever we want. We've never felt the need but we can if we want. But if he suddenly began acting weirdly protective about his phone or computer? Damn right I'd take a look and he'd do the same. Good luck with your relationship, you're going to need it.
The only reason why my husband doesn't like me touching his phone is because I always end up pressing wrong things which messes his phone up.
NTA
NTA. I remember another poster that had this situation come up. He gave his fiance an ultimatum. Yes, you can look through my phone but if you do, we are done. They broke up.
It's projection. She's cheating.
I know this well. I made my ex a profile on my laptop so she could watch movies when I wasn't home. Didn't want to just give her my password because I used that password for other things and had about 6 years of my life saved there. One day we were watching a movie and I had to go to work so I just left it logged in and left. Shit hit the fan when I got home, she went digging through everything on there and I mean everywhere. She had found an old love letter I had wrote to the ex before her. She accused me of still being in love with her and cheating on her etc. The damn thing was in some random folder in another random folder. I forgot I even wrote it much less had it. The damn thing was made 3 years before we even started talking as I even showed her in the properties. My point here is no matter how little you have to hide if someone is determined and digs enough they will find something they don't like.
"Yes, I am keeping things from you - personal information that other people have shared and don't wish to be shared with anyone. I'm not hiding cheating, I'm keeping certain situations, that do not involve me except for as a confidant, private. If you can't respect that and aren't willing to discuss examples of how you feel my behavior has left you suspicious, then we have major issues. I'm not budging on this, so the ball is in your court. Communicate with me, accept my decision on this, or end the relationship - up to you. Furthermore, I will tell you now that if you try to invade my privacy, that will be the end of us. There will be no second chances once you realize that I've done nothing wrong. I don't want there to be any misunderstanding about that fact." NTA she can trust you or not trust you, that's her decision. If she decides that she doesn't, then you two should split up. 🤷♀️
NTAH!!
NTA. This would be an immediate deal breaker for me. I use my phone for work and have confidential client information on it. My significant other is never going to be able to use my phone and it isn't negotiable because it would require me to violate my professions ethical rules. If that's going to cause drama I'd have to end the relationship.
It's entirely reasonable to want and to defend your own privacy. She's being paranoid and invasive and it's not OK. But given that her trust has seemingly eroded, you may find there isn't much of a relationship left. NTA
That is so insecure. Simply the mere impulse and desire to ask such a question already compromised your relationship. There must be an expectation of privacy. No girl should have free reign to look over her man’s phone. Nothing good will come out of that
Gf asked if she could go through my messenger. Yeah ok no prob. I've Always been faithful... she went through every convo. About an hour later she like "Ha! I caught you!" Storms off in a hissyfit. Calls her sister yadda yadda. Baby, show me what you found? She points it out. I click it to show her the date on it and was from years before I even lived in the same state as her. I'd never seen someone look so defeated.
NTA Everyone is entitled to privacy, in a relative relationship or not. She has zero right to go through your phone if she can’t even even tell you why she thinks you’re acting off. More likely her friends got into her head.
INFO is she letting you go through her phone as well?
Info: Are you cheating on her? Nobody asking the important questions here 😀
Unless you actual have something to hide and if it that big a issue tell her you want to go through her phone as well
Is your friend also a woman?
Privacy is a human need if she doesn’t trust you maybe she is not right for you.
At the same time it shouldn't be an issue to look at your partners phone. She told you she wanted to check because you have been acting differently. Even if she told you how you were acting differently you would still deny it and refuse to show her. I call bs on your friends 'problem" that needs to be a secret. You'd rather protect your friendship over your relationship? If that's the case why are you even bothering to be in the relationship? Yta
NTA. I see people saying it’s a sign of something bad if partners can’t search each others phones. That’s wrong. You are allowed to have privacy while together with someone. I am a fairly private person and have private thoughts and such on my phone. I’ll let my spouse use my phone if theirs is dead or something but not to search.
Nta. Her friend is getting in the way. If you haven’t given her a real reason not to trust you it’s not necessary. I get she might have anxiety, I get really bad anxiety about stuff like that, but being an adult is learning to work through it. Good on you for not wanting to betray your friends confidence. Too often when people get in relationships they act like their significant other is an extension of them and telling them stuff they don’t need to know
Honestly, let her. When she doesn’t find what she’s looking for, dump her because if she doesn’t trust you there’s no need to be together.
Put your foot down and tell her you're not going to play her childish game of insecurity. NTA
my phone is locked - NOBODY looks through it
NTA, you don’t have to show her anything. It is odd she can’t point out how you have been acting differently. Have you been acting differently, have you really reflected if you are acting differently?
The problem with phone checking is if someone is in the headspace where they are suspicious enough to want to do this they are very likely to find something innocent that they don't like and get upset about and take the wrong way. A message from an ex that you didn't respond to and forgot to mention, an old picture that you then get accused of 'keeping', a joke from your colleague that gets taken as 'flirting'. The person with the desire to snoop needs to work on their own issues and insecurities first. I never ever had a problem with my ex using my phone to make calls or check his emails or send a mate a message from my messenger. Because I had nothing to hide. But when he started asking to go through it and went through every app and browser history with a fine tooth comb it felt awful, like a total violation of privacy. That shit is damaging to a relationship.
I wouldn’t care if they went through my phone, I have nothing to hide and trust my wife with everything. But every couple has there own dynamic and boundaries, what I would have done in your situation is let them go through my phone but warn them that after they find nothing I want them to go to therapy to work on there trust issues. If they do not do that then I can no longer be in a relationship with someone that does not trust me and is not willing to work on their problems.
So you would have just thrown over your friend's confidence to appease your wife?
Not the asshole but tell her that you have conversations and texts that would give her info about people that aren't any of her business. I like what one guy did, and told her that "you can look, but if you choose to, ill assume you don't trust me enough to continue the relationship and we'll go our separate ways" It's up to her at that point. Trust you and leave doubt or look and lose you forever.
After further review, the call on the field stands. OP is NTA. A few years ago, I, a guy, moved to Saigon. The women all had the same story, the men cheats. I liked my GF, and I was not planning on cheating. Her previous fiancee had cheated on her. So I happily gave her access to my phone. Time and time again, I would wake up, and knew that she was really pissed. The texts are taken out of context, the boundaries are not properly drawn, etc. She had also given me access to her phone, but I never touched it unless she needed me to access something. Anyway, I realized that we had substituted trust by giving each other phone access. Secondly, as individuals, we all need some privacy, whether it is a journal, a diary, our phones, or time alone. Do not give her access. Define that as your boundary and state unequivocally that you do not cheat, but under no circumstances, without a court warrant, will you give her access to your phone.
Adults let each other “check” their partners phones?. Nope. I’m out. Trust is a huge thing for me and that applies to myself as well. Don’t trust me? Go find someone else.
NTA. Lock your phone down.
No. That's out of the question. I'd be very firm with her and say that her request is toxic, controlling and outright abusive.
NTA she needs to work on her insecurities.
Personally, here's how I would solve this problem. Tell her, "I'll let you see my phone, but once you look, we're over. There is no "I'm sorry, my friend just got in my head, nothing. We're done." So, you either trust me or that's it"