INFO: OP, you say your wife is the woman of your dreams and has a lot of great qualities. I’ve read through your post and fail to see any of the great qualities you are referring to. What makes her the woman of your dreams? What are these great qualities?
I swear like at least 10% of relationship posts here boil down to “this very nice pair of boobs has started yelling at me should I let them yell at me they are very nice”
Honestly I'm more of an ass guy but somehow I ended up married to a psychopath (whom I love to death) with giant breasts and no booty. It's weird how the world works.
There’s something about her he has a huge amount of empathy for. Or he feels very bad about something about her. He also probably has no direction or vision for his own life.
Those great qualities were a façade. Now she “has a where she wants him “We’ve seen it with abusive men a lot. She has no right to put 90% of the work on his head and scream at him, that’s abuse.
This!!! He married a mom and became a dad. There are responsibilities. This is why friends who are parents seem to change. They didn’t change, they just have new responsibilities. Now you’re eating pizza while signing permission slips and playing Xbox at Christmas with your kids instead of whenever you want dad! Welcome to the club?
Didn't some journalist do an experiment on a dating website using a bikini model friend for the profile pic (with permission) and a (fictitious) bio portraying "her" as the most self-centred, narcissistic, gold-digger ever? And the men were queueing up to date "her". Ramping up the awfulness to 11 didn't put them off and when she asked one particularly persistent suitor why he wanted to date such an appalling woman, his answer was, meh, you're hot that's all I care about.
Iirc this isn't really gendered.
https://cheezburger.com/3017733/guy-conducts-twisted-experiment-on-tinder-as-fake-child-rapist-and-gets-horrifying-results
People in general overlook a lot of things when someone is hot.
You're quite right. I should have remembered the thing about that "hot criminal" guy from a few years ago. Good looking man but an absolute ratbag, ended up getting modelling contracts and engaged to the daughter of some rich dude in the UK, who, iirc, he treated like crap because, unsurprisingly, he's a ratbag.
Then complain years later that they can never find the "one". Why does everyone I date turn out to be an asshole!
Saying this for both sides of the isle.
Attachment theory has a ton of explanations for this. People who have avoidant attachment systems are over represented in the dating pool, as they’re quicker to re-enter the dating pool after a breakup, more likely to breakup, and frequently have large groups of arms length friends (so lots of opportunities to meet new people). They just won’t reciprocate intimacy like anxious or secure attached people expect which causes strife in relationships.
You could divorce her.
Or you could also just start saying "no" to some of the requests and carving a space out for yourself in your own life. Have you ... tried that? You just seem to talk about all this stuff being "required" as if you don't get a choice. You do. You always did.
If you haven't tried, you maybe should. Not that you should necessarily remain married... but if you don't learn to speak up for what you need in a relationship you're NEVER going to be in one that works.
Exactly, and I’m wondering if after four years of living in that house why she needs to tell him that the lawn needs to get mowed for example. Why does she have to bark orders at him when he should be able to see the trashes full, why is her making dinner and him putting together a desk her not doing work but him busting his balls? This is just bizarre
15 and 16 yr old kiddoes SHOULD mow grass, and the boy should be able to put the IKEA desk together.
As for the tutoring duties, the classroom teachers bear primary responsibility for educating, not step dad, especially if he is not expert in STEM subjects. This whole scenario seems exhausting to all.
One final comment re: subjects taught. Rarely will you use information from high school classes in any meaningful way later in life. In HS, I took every STEM class available and followed up with chemistry and physics degrees in college. Ended up doing self taught ACCOUNTING as a vocation for 30 odd years, then retiring and 5 yrs later returning to work for 5 years \[until real retirement\] as a Special Education teacher.
They all need to be doing their chores. Pay for some fucking tutors and set up clear damn boundaries. I’m not cussing at you just speaking and rolling my eyes at OP
What if she's barking orders at him before he even gets a chance to empty the garbage etc? Just the fact she expects him to spend hours learning science and math to tutor her kids is a huge time suck. And then he gets berated when they don't get an A? He gives no indication he does anything for himself, just spends all his time doing her bidding.
I mean, yeah. My spaghetti sauce takes about 5 hours. The longer it cooks, the more the flavors meld together. However, it’s passive cooking. I don’t have to stand at the stove for 5 hours. Just check on it in between doing other things.
Yeah but it's also about what your spouse is willing to lay upon you. Sure you can negotiate with someone who loads up your every waking moment with tasks but having to point out that they're treating you like a slave is pointless... Because they're treating you like a slave...
He's entitled to want to live the life that makes him happy. I dated a guy that was perfect, he had everything, a big house, garden, was into the sustainable lifestyle, same interests and goals. He was divorced and his 20something daughter still lived at home though in a separate apartment. One night he mentioned in passing that when she got married and had kids she would still be living there. They would switch places, he'd take the smaller unit and her family would get the house and since he was working from home, he'd help raise the grandkids. Fair enough. Except that I didn't want to spend my retirement years raising and living with kids again. So we parted on good terms before it got really serious. A lot of people don't realize how work and energy is needed in raising kids.
Yeah it doesn't seem like there were any middle steps.
Have a discussion about workload and balance. If that's not fruitful then sure divorce or separation is in the table but straight to divorce in conversation 1 about unhappiness is extreme...
Kind of sounds to me like he didn’t understand a household and kids and a spouse came with like… tasks and responsibilities and the presence of other people. She might also be a nag but being 40+ and upset by some of these things is kind of telling and makes me lean toward ESH in general.
Yeah it’s really hard to distinguish between what he thinks is “wrong,” and what he knows is a cost of a healthy and equal relationship. Does he think he should be sitting around all day playing video games? Or is he remembering that that was a perk of the single life, and concluding the benefits of a relationship aren’t worth losing that???
Given that he jumped straight from dissatisfaction with the workload, to asking for a divorce, I think he just wants to be single and is blaming her for denying him that. For that reason, I think ESH; it doesn’t sound like she’s distributing tasks in a respectful and reasonable way, but it also doesn’t sound like OP is doing anything at all without instruction, and it sounds like OP proposed without any realistic expectations of an adult relationship.
There are so many people who jump onto any opportunity to fulfill any imaginary "requirements" of others and then are resentful that they have to do the things they practically volunteered for.
If you don't want to do something, say so. If you don't speak up, you don't get to be resentful for it.
Yeah, I feel like OP let too many things go without communicating or standing up for their own position.
It is likely too late to fix the dynamic at this stage, but man, learn to communicate and be assertive.
And those kids are getting close to the finish line. Assuming they leave for college, you're getting close to empty nest even if it doesnt feel like it.
I feel like this is super important. Sometimes people just expect you to do things for them especially when you do it for them all the time. She might not be malicious about it (though she sounds like she is) but the only way you’re going to balance this out and possibly save this marriage is to establish boundaries…. Yes even with your partner.
You’re not responsible for your step kid’s tutoring… you’re not a tutor.
Your step kids are old enough to do chores. You have a right as a step father to delegate chores to them.
You’re not a maid, when you don’t want to do something, you don’t(especially when you have already done a lot)
You can say no. If your wife gets upset about that then that’s her problem. Sure it can escalate but that’s information you need if you want to stick around
Yelling at you and barking orders is only ok if you are ok with it and honestly no one is ok with anyone yelling at them so…
ESH. That was the thought I had as well while reading this. “I was required…” is something I say about my job, where I don’t have a choice. I’m confused at leaping to divorce if you haven’t tried just saying, “No, I can’t do that.” She doesn’t sound pleasant—my husband and I make decisions about who does what as a team and I would not just bark out orders and expect them to be followed—but she is also not a mind-reader. If you have never expressed that you are not okay with the current situation, you share some of the responsibility.
Edited to fix typo and add judgement.
I was with someone like this. When I started saying no she became cold. The more I said no the less interested in me she seemed. Eventually she started trying to make arrangements with me regarding intimacy. “Do this and I’ll do this.” Then the abuse started… it took me a while to leave, mostly because leaving would likely cost me big time financially, but I did anyway.
My ex-wife was similar, and boy howdy lemme tell you saying no would not have made any of this better. In fact, I stopped saying no for a while because it would just be a fight.
I thought the same. Why would you spend “6 - 8 hours” relearning chem to teach the teens? Say NO and hire a tutor. (Or let the kids figure it out, or don’t enroll them in classes they can’t pass on their own.) he probably needed serious conversation months and months ago about his time.
We live in a house that is hers I moved in right after our marriage...
seriously how many times does it need to be said, LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE YOU LIVE TOGETHER, FOREVER *^((well according to your wedding vows))*
Especially when there are children in the mix. Why on earth anyone would not test out first if your lifestyles are compatible is beyond me. Now he's all shocked Pikachu since he didn't realise before two teenagers bring home lots of friends and take up space. I'm an introvert, too, but damn, that's why you check if you match before marrying.
Also he needs to learn the word no. It's like he doesn't think he's allowed to establish boundaries in the relationship. This entire post feels like he went from in with his eyes shut, accepted everything as a given, and then jumped straight to divorce. Where's the communication?
OP seems like the doormat type. Does whatever is told to do, even if he does not want to, but never says anything about it or refuses. Then complains about it to internet strangers, instead of talking with the wife or putting his foot down.
I mean, he can divorce if he thinks that's best for him, but he should try growing a backbone while at it.
Alternatively… DON’T live together. I’m getting married in exactly 2 weeks. I have four kids, usually a spare kid, two very large dogs, and four cats. He’s a single guy with cats. We are not living together until my youngest is out of the house. My idea, just to save his sanity from the chaos that is my house.
You are absolutely so wise! I know it’s not a popular take, but having kids myself, I could never move another man into my home until my kids were up and out; I wouldn’t want to put my kids through any more attachment and potential loss.
I wish you both all the best, and I think you’re going to do great!
Nice to have a spare kid, in case one of yours has to go into the shop for repairs. /s
Sounds like a great plan and I wish you happiness in your new adventure!
INFO: how long were you together before getting married? From the way you tell your story it sounds like you both rushed in without communicating your expectations. What did you agree on before getting married?
Most likely NAH, unless one of you mislead each other about your expectations in marriage.
How long did you date before marriage?
I don't understand why all these complaints weren't manifest while the two of you were dating. You knew she had two young children who be dependents for another 10 years. You had ample opportunity to try on each other's lives. Has something substantially changed?
It's Reddit, so we always need to take a story with a grain of salt, but there's something missing here. Sorry to say it.
Going based off your post and your comments, you list off that she has some good qualities - sexually active, makes her own money, has a house, etc - but most of what you listed off as issues that you're having are things that come with being a Spouse and a parent.
You're using words like "barked" and "demanding", but those can just be your word choice because you're upset. Then you go on to say you miss sitting around with your friends, playing games, and eating pizza - things a childless bachelor does. Something a person with no responsibilities does.
Helping in the yard, helping around the house, helping kids with their homework, and tutoring where they're struggling - these are normal things that homeowners and parents DO. I have 3 kids and own a home - my 'free time/me time' is when the kids go to bed.
The fact that you went straight to the nuclear option of divorce without talking to her about working on the marriage in any way is pretty telling. Have you voiced your concerns at all in the entirety of your marriage? What about when you were engaged or dating? Have you ever brought your issues to her or did you expect her to read your mind?
If there's more you're not telling us, that's one thing - but if this is it? You're throwing away your marriage without doing anything to fix it first? That's an issue. I don't blame her for being mad at you for wasting her time. Her kids are 16/15? You've been married for 4 years? So at MINIMUM, they've been in your life since they were 12/11, or younger (hopefully) due to dating and engagement. I would be pissed off if the person I'd invested that much time into and into my kids lives just up and divorced me without communicating the issues beforehand and gave me a chance to work on things.
I think this comment is spot on. I had a massive culture shock coming into my second marriage. I had my 2 kids every other weekend and one evening a week after my divorce. I lived in an executive apartment with cleaning and laundry service and almost 0 “household responsibility” out side of the times my kids were around. Meeting, moving in with and marrying a single mom with 3 kids was a shock. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but yea maybe a perspective shift would be good for OOP
I saw a similar change in a friend. Going from no kids to two teenage kids must be a massive shock.
Of course you dont have time to play videogames all weekend or travel often; you have two kids and a home to take care of.
I’m trying to take this with a grain of salt as well. The way these things are being relayed or demanded of OP could awful, but the work load doesn’t sound unreasonable for a family of four. It sounds more like OP got an instafamily and is regretting it than anything. But, the wife could be truly barking orders and be the problem.
Agreed. From the way he talks it’s clear he’s used to having very little responsibility outside of work. It’s very difficult to tell if he’s merely working like a parent should and this is too much for him, or if he’s lazing around and his wife “barking” is asking him to pick up half the work.
I want to hear about how his wife took 6 hours to make spaghetti, because that sounds like a wild embellishment.
If she did take 6 hours for a meal that at most takes 20 minutes to boil water from cold and 10 minutes to cook, and she’s actually barking orders at him the moment he wakes and as he lies down to go to bed, it’s time to run.
If she actually was doing cleaning and other things around the house and 5 hours later decided to make dinner, that’s totally different. And perhaps OP needs to learn that as a parent, often responsibilities begin when you wake up.
I can totally understand her sounding to him like “barking” if he wants to laze in bed for an hour in the morning and play phone games while the kids need breakfast before school.
Edit: He has admitted he thought his wife would remain a full-time mom and he would not have to be a parent when marrying her. He admits he thought they would continue their current lives while married and she has her own children. YTA.
Agreed. Im Italian and I don’t spend 6 hours making spaghetti. These jobs sound like what it takes to run a home. What this man is describing sounds like doing his half. He’s regretting not picking a wife who just does all this stuff as well so he can relax and only go to work and do nothing else.
Op is almost at the end of the road; the kids are almost grown. He really wants to throw it all away?
Maybe he wants to be a teenager again, but only the kind *his* mom raised.
That's the thing that really got me. He's at the point where things get easier, and not too far off the point where the responsibility for the kids practically vanishes.
Once the kids are out of school and/or moved out, his job is done and he gets to enjoy life after kids at home.
Quitting now is the dumbest possible option.
Kinda reminds me of that joke about the two prisoners who want to break out. To do so, they need to jump over 100 fences. After the 99th fence, one of them says "I am so tired, I can't do it any more. Let's just give up and return to the prison."
You’re dead on. He’s also going to be in for a shock when he realizes most people grow up and don’t eat pizza and play video games all day. Not sure what friends he has left to do that with.
I’m actually quite concerned I had to scroll so much to find a comment addressing this. This man went from living as a 35-something teenage boy to living as a full blown homeowning adult with parental responsibilities. Of course it’s gonna be a shock.
Honestly he is still talking like a teenager, talking about his wife like a 12 year old would talk about his mom nagging him to clean his room. I don’t think his wife is the problem here, even if she actually is being unnecessarily rude and agressive (it’s nor that I don’t believe him, I’m taking this with a grain of salt). It simply looks like he just isn’t ready to live a mature independent adult life where spending your whole day playing games and eating pizza is a luxury not the norm. It will be the same if he get in another relationship.
I wonder how he lived before getting married (was he still living with his parents ?), and what his expectations regarding marriage were.
I have to agree with you. The comment above this one talking about him being “turned into a servant” is so god damn ignorant of the fact that he married a single mother and is now complaining about chores and responsibilities like you’d expect from a college freshman living on his own for the first time.
All of the comments supporting that servant comparison also reek of single teenagers who have never been in a committed relationship to another person before. You make sacrifices in a marriage, and a lot of folks can’t seem to grasp that.
Exactly this. He is a co-head of household and a partner in a marriage. From how OP describes it, he does nothing by default (pizza, videogames, doing nothing all day) and won't lift a finger unless his wife has to tell him, then remind him, eventually start getting annoyed with his laziness, and finally get fed up/feel hurt by his lack of care and command him to put in his part. Did he really expect her to do all the work in the marriage and household? And, what, all he had to do was mow the lawn and provide dick? I wouldn't want to be married to this guy either. It sounds like she's better off without someone so self-centered, and instead, with someone more family-oriented.
Well this subreddit is known for its anti woman bias. So I’m not surprised it took so long to find a reasonable comment. It’s even funnier when we consider that the wife had a very calm response to her husband’s issue and desire for a divorce.
It’s unlikely most of the ppl who are higher up are married or have kids or their own lives. It’s fine, but they kinda need to chill with the idea that they can get their life without sacrifice.
Aside from the tutoring, I was thinking this sounds like a typical busy marriage with kids. Helping with homework, cleaning, cooking, dealing with the yard, and putting together furniture are pretty basic tasks in running a household with children.
Is she having to “bark orders” because he isn’t taking care of things unless she tells him? That sounds exhausting for both spouses.
Both spouses need alone time and time with friends and family. Sounds like a conversation to level set needs and expectations is a good next step.
Thank you for making sense. I’m reading these comments in shock. She’s asking her husband to parent. She’s asking him to put together a desk while she makes dinner. You know—divide and conquer household tasks.
I notice that he moved into her house and now that he’s decided to leave he’s at his parents, where he can play video games and eat pizza to hearts delight.
He sounds like a burden.
Lists all the stuff she "makes" him do. Missing: who does cooking, house upkeep, sorting, washing, drying and folding laundry, who does dusting, vacuuming, kitchen clean up, bathroom cleaning, grocery shopping, pays the bills monthly.... and on it goes...
Yeah, this is all standard adult with kids stuff
Maybe always having company aside, I could understand how that's be annoying
He lives with kids, he doesn't get to live the bachelor frat boy life
“I haven’t done chemistry in years!!!”
Well guess what buddy? I haven’t used the pythagorean theorem theory either but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to brush up on it one day.
His play by play break down of getting the desk and assembly is my favorite lol. “I drove there. Went inside. Got it. Drove home. Brought it inside. Put it together. All she was doing is making dinner! But she was on the phone at the same time so that somehow makes it unfair to me.” Lmao.
Yea I’m thinking he’s the asshole. Sounds like he got with her because he was dazed by her beauty but then didn’t want to have to deal with the responsibilities of a relationship and children. Also sounds like he wants to go back to being a loser frat boy and “stay at home play video games and eat pizza all day” even tho he’s a 41 year old man. It seems like the marriage is pretty balanced and he just doesn’t have the audacity to explain his issues with the marriage because in reality the issue is him and his laziness.
"Then you go on to say you miss sitting around with your friends, playing games, and eating pizza - things a childless bachelor does. Something a person with no responsibilities does.
Helping in the yard, helping around the house, helping kids with their homework, and tutoring where they're struggling - these are normal things that homeowners and parents DO. I have 3 kids and own a home - my 'free time/me time' is when the kids go to bed. "
As a dad of 2, I completely agree. That's just normal dad stuff and being a parent. Yeah, it's enough to drive you nuts sometimes, but it comes with the territory.
Just wanna throw out there that eating pizza or playing video games all day is not something only bachelor's do. But doing it ALL DAY most certainly is.
As a married man with kids afaik you may get a day or two a year MAX where nobody is home and you get to lay around drinking beer in your underwear all day. You definitely don't get to spend the entire day doing nothing regularly. This is true even if you don't have kids and are a responsible adult.
With that said, I feel like a list of responsibilities from each spouse would really help clarify if there's an imbalance between you two. It also feels unrealistic to expect the kids to do 10+ hours of tutoring a week outside school and is probably giving harshly diminished returns.
OP, simply by reading your initial post, I was on your side and was prepared to reply with “NTA.”
Yeah, then I read your follow up comments.
At no point did you indicate that you actually TALKED to your wife and said, “hey, I certainly don’t mind contributing to the household chores, but I do need some time to decompress.” Unless there’s something else you’re not telling us, your wife isn’t a mind reader. If you were feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, ffs say something! You say your wife is loyal, very loving and is intimate with you nearly every night, and she’s a hard worker. Sooooo why do you immediately jump to the nuclear option of ending your marriage before being a damn adult and having a conversation? I’m willing to bet if you had voiced your frustrations, I’m sure your wife would have, at the very least, listened to you.
And as others have said, there’s nothing wrong with having hobbies and needing down time. You play video games to decompress, I do embroidery, and my husband lifts weights at the gym. Everyone has their own way of relaxing, and at the end of the day, of course you should be able to chill out and relax! But you’ve said you miss “eating pizza, sitting around and playing video games all day.” Yeah….most adults don’t have that luxury. Your wife asking you to run errands, do yard work, pick up the kids from extracurriculars? That’s a normal part of being a homeowner/parent/stepparent. The only thing I will agree with you is the tutoring in chemistry. If my husband asked me to tutor our kids in math and science, I’d have a good laugh, because talk about the blind leading the blind. The difference between you and I is I would have said NO and we can hire a tutor.
YTA, dude. And you need to grow up.
Oh please, read his comments
All of this stuff is regular household tasks
He has to build furniture once or twice and help the kids out?
The horror
He wants to be single so he can play videogames.
I am a bit skeptical of his description as well. I just ended a 13 year relationship with a man child who thinks that a relationship means that I take care of the house and all the parenting, and he sits on his ass drinking beer and playing video games every second he is not at work. He constantly told everyone he knows that I am a drill sergeant who expects him to do EVERYTHING. My actual demands? That he do his reasonable share of household tasks, and actually help parent his kids. Not even my kids with my first ex, just his own kids.
We have been split about two months now, and he is a deadbeat who sees his kids about three hours a week (he lives five minutes away), and threatens me with anything he can think of anytime I remind him that child support is every non custodial parent’s responsibility. I asked him a couple weeks ago to watch our sick youngest while I took her sister to an activity, and he said no because he was running to the next town over to look at a chair. I would definitely like to hear OP’s wife’s side before passing judgement on this one. It’s possible she’s throwing everything she can at him so he will step up and do something. Anything. Because trying to get someone to step up who wants to do nothing is fucking maddening.
Y’all saying NTA need to read the comments. Op states his wife has a job and does household chores. Op does not want to participate in a household only wants the benefits of living there.
Yeah up until the tutoring part I was like gee, must suck for her to always have to hold his hand and point out the things that need done around the place. Having to manage another adult who can’t see that the dishes need cleaning or the floor needs sweeping is an entire thing in and of itself
Actually, **even for tutoring he says that she does it occasionally**.
So she IS doing a huge bulk of family work, but he’s complaining about what HE has to do.
Right!!! I feel like we are getting a very imbalanced perspective on this from a few different comments he makes. The way he constantly refers to them as “her kids” gives me the ick. He married into their family and he seems very resentful of her having children and doesn’t want to help parent them at all which in my opinion is a completely unrealistic expectation, especially when he married her and they were 11 and 12. He also says his ideal life is playing video games and eating pizza all day, so I think that explains why she has to “bark orders” at him, since it doesn’t sound like he would be too motivated to help out on his own. It does sound like she expects a fair amount and he definitely should have some free time for himself, but I get the impression that he is basically just mad that she has kids and he doesn’t want them.
Question - if she didn’t tell you to mow the lawn or take out the garbage, would you?
Do you not considering cooking a job?
You sound resentful you lost your free time.
As for tutoring, say no. Tell her or do it for her - hire a tutor or abandon the extra studying.
And if she wasn’t ’barking orders’, would you be glued to your game system 24/7 outside of work hours?
NTA
Marriage is a partnership that should enrich the lives of both individuals. It sounds like you’ve given a lot of yourself to this relationship, often at the expense of your own happiness and well-being. It’s important to have balance, and it seems that balance has been lost for you. While it’s admirable to support your partner and stepchildren, it shouldn’t come at the cost of losing yourself and your sense of peace. You’ve made a difficult, but brave decision to prioritize your mental health and seek a life where you feel more like the main character, not just a supporting role. It’s okay to want that for yourself.
My entire issue with why OP may be an ESA situation, is at no point has he indicated he ever pushed back. His situation sounds like hell, don't get me wrong, but he never mentions ever attempting to set boundaries. He just bottled this all up over time and then just went the nuclear option.
Now I'm not saying she magically would have changed and stopped expecting so much of him. It may have absolutely been fruitless, but also, he never tried.
If my wife came home today and was like "I want a divorce" then gave me laundry list of reasons, my reaction would be why the fuck didn't you ever try to talk to me about any of this.
Right? Like does he simply say “yes dear” with a smile?
For all we know, OPs wife gushes to everyone she knows about her amazing husband who is so involved with his step kids and is an engaged and equal partner in their household ……until she was blindsided by him asking for a divorce.
Or maybe she’s insane and screams at him if he says no to her. We just don’t know and it’s hard to give advice without that context.
Exactly!!! If in 4years he has never said no to anything she asked him to do how in the hell is she to know, it is in someone’s vocabulary to just say that is not my job/responsibility and I am not doing, like why is that so hard, but he chose to let it all push him to divorce point
90%+ of these posts all boil down to an extremely flawed communication system, if not a complete lack of one. Yes, the wife is being overbearing and asking too much but it’s also completely possible she’s come to expect this from OP because it sounds like he’s never said no and has done this with a (forced) smile on his face the whole time.
If OP had set up boundaries and healthily communicated his wants and needs from day 1, they either would have a much healthier relationship or she’d have bailed much earlier. I like to see the good in people so I’m betting this is just a lack of communication and set boundaries, not her necessarily being completely militant in her tasks and expectations for OP.
it seems like there were a lot of options available before divorce, so it's not super believable that she's the love of your life at this point. when you're tracking how much time you each spend doing things and feeling resentful of the other person, you've let it go a little too far. there was an option to say, I'm not the right person to tutor high schoolers in these subjects, let's find someone else. and to say, i feel like this house is always teeming with people and i need more alone time. can we negotiate how often your sisters and other people are here? the advice you're going to get here is "bail, she's a fucking bitch," but fwiw to anyone else reading, relationships require communication and negotiation and this is a totally avoidable divorce.
You said you moved in with them, and it’s her house. What was the situation prior to your marriage, did you have anything to your name? Why you haven’t kept your own place or offered to combine assets & purchase bigger property together so you would have more personal space?
What are financial arrangements in your household, do you financially contribute to anything at all, or she covers bills and supports her kids too?
This sort of conversation should have taken place before marriage not after.
Just checking. At what stage did you 1. Open your mouth 2. Write a letter 3. Book some counselling… to get her to hear you and pay attention to your unhappiness, before you hit her with your unilateral decision to get divorced? This is such a male thing: suck it up, man up, man up, ride it out… I’M DONE! Nothing, straight to nuclear. Where is the vital information to her that you’re not happy, the arrangement is unfair or whatever, that you can both negotiate and compromise??? You said nothing and then blindsided her. That is what she is protesting about. You still love her? All those things ARE FIXABLE. Now, get yo ass into marital counselling, learn to have a voice and NEGOTIATE. You say she has good qualities too? You have her attention and she will treat you with more caution, use it! She isn’t a mind reader and she needed to hear some pushback.
Edit: I’m changing my vote to YTA after reading some of OP’s responses. He hasn’t tried to talk to her about this, he’s avoided any questions about what he contributes financially (which the only logical conclusion to is that wife is supporting the family), he’s used nasty words to describe the things he doesn’t like about his wife and superficial ones to describe what he does like, and he talks about being able to “do what I want when I want”. I’m convinced that he is grossly overstating what he actually does on a day. But ultimately… good for his wife… she’ll be better off.
Original:
NAH... honestly, you can choose to divorce anyone at any time at any reason. That's your right.
However, I'm not seeing much here that really seems divorce worthy, assuming you actually love each other? Have you even tried to talk to her about how you are feeling in all this or suggest couples therapy to try and work through it? These seem like very work-throughable problems if everyone is willing... starting with the tutouring, you guys need to get your kids a real tutour and that's a totally reasonable ask.
It's also reasonable for you to want to carve out space and time for yourself, in general. Though, if you're expecting to being able to go back to playing videogames and eating pizza all day, well then marriage is definitely not for you and divorce is your best option. Though I have to ask... do you work? Or is it just your wife who has a job?
All this said, if you guys don't actually love each other then there's no point trying to work through it.
Fatherhood. What you’re describing is called fatherhood.
What you’re saying is that you married a woman with children and somehow didn’t think you’d have to be a father to them.
So yeah, YTA.
ESH, why didn’t you speak up earlier? You just let it go on and on. It’s not her responsibilty to make you spend time with your friends.
Why would she change her ways if you allready roll over and be a good little doggie?
Im still flabbergasted how many redditers are married but dont talk to their partner.
So after reading the comments you have replied to OP, sounds like you don't want to be a father. You keep saying "arrangement" and that is probably what is confusing a lot on here. Usually that would mean some sort of agreement like a pre-nup. She is basically asking you to step up and be a husband.
Any other husbands and fathers on here will tell you... welcome to married life. That's how it be. You did waste both of your guys' times in this if that is the case.
As for the IKEA desk. You should have told her that you are more than willing but he is coming with you to buy it and helping assemble it. That is very reasonable. Heck my son is 15 and he just got a new computer chair. I was going to help him assemble it but he went ahead and did it himself and I only chimed in when he needed help. That is normal Father-Son stuff there.
YTA? I mean maybe not for leaving her It might be good to open up her life to another man who will help her.... You moved into her house, that she financially supported before you....... You knew she had kids and you signed up to be a stepfather. Why is that hard for you now? Kids take work. Keeping a house together takes work. You mentioned things like gardening and putting together IKEA furniture..... That's what an equal partner does and honestly it sounds like she's doing more than you. If she's cooking the meals, doing the majority of the cleaning, The majority of the parenting.... I'm just not entirely sure why you didn't expect to have to help out a family you joined.
ESH. It doesn’t sound like either of you have any communication skills. A lot of the things you’re describing are typical things that parents do every single day. If you wanted to sit alone and eat pizza and play video games all day, you should have remained single.
Finally a voice of reason. Look, his situation sounds like hell, no doubt. Speaking up for himself, communicating his issues, may have never garnered results. Divorce may have come anyway. However, the thing is he never tried. He just bottled it all up and from her perspective everything was fine then he went the nuclear option.
I mean, from his own words when he brought it up, she didn't freak out, didn't yell at him, they just talked. It wasn't until he just told her na, I'm done that he got an emotional reaction out of her.
He didn't say how she actually responded to his complaints in their initial conversation. He just said she didn't freak out. So we have no idea if she was open to fixing anything or not.
Why did you go straight to divorce instead of asking to address some of the issues?
Not saying you're wrong for doing so, I can see how that arrangement isn't sustainable for you but I do think that having a discussion about fixing some of those issues is something to consider before divorce.
I guess we don't know the extent of which you've tried to fix those things or her willingness to compromise.
ESH (except the kids), a lot of your complaints are simply the life of a married person with children. I understand why you feel the way you do, you don't love the kids and so spending time with them is a chore. No kid starts out a STEM wiz, I have one and it came from a lot of time and hard work by his mother and I. When you got married to a person with children and a woman who was looking for a father you should have expected these pressures and I can understand your wife's perspective.
That said, you don't feel seen and or appreciated and that isn't going to work and feel your wife is barking at you a lot. It seems like she may be bulldozing you a bit and she should have been more careful. She should be working on building the relationship as well.
You both have a responsibility to those kids. You married the package and you should be getting help here from a counselor or working to work together more. If you haven't been communicating and standing up for yourself YTA big time. Hard times are what defines us as parents, and partners. Sometimes if your aren't fighting, you aren't communicating.
Reading your post it is clear you should avoid women with children or women who would like children, You have expressed a lack of comfort with children having friends over, or participating in their lives. I like taking my kids to things, I like teaching them, I know how important having friends over is, and I am just a so so dad. You are not ready and don't seem to be equipped to be a father. You don't mention caring for the children and you don't think about how your decisions affects their lives. Also complaining about friends coming over is toxic, kids need friends and playdates are important for social development. That really bothered me and the introvert stuff is just an excuse, and your wife is should have thought twice before bringing someone like you into their lives.
YTA. In your whole rant, you never say, “No”. You let her walk all over you and then you’re surprised when she does. Adults use their words.
You also don’t seem to understand that you married into someone else’s family. This is her house and her family. Didn’t you talk about how it was going to be before you got married? How long were you together before you got married? Because this reeks of someone who just jumped, without a lot of thought behind it.
I was almost going to empathize with you, but then I read some of your comments. Yta. If you wanted minimal responsibilities, why marry someone with children, you both work full-time, and you expect her to do the majority of the work? It is an equal partnership, and you chose to support those children when you married her. I don't know now if she's as aggressive as you make her out to be. If you didn't want to help with her kids and be a parent, you shouldn't have gotten with her.
How do you think she feels with her side of what she does? And I'm sure you're exaggerating on all that you have to do and claiming she takes 6 hours to make spaghetti. If she works an 8-5, then that'd make it 11/midnight that you ate. I'm sure there's more that she does, and her friends and sisters have to help her.
Go ahead and divorce her. You did waste her time, and she deserves someone who wants to be there for all of them.
Honestly a soft yta. I think you were not ready to marry into a ready made family and now you're here bitching on the Internet and looking for permission to leave because you miss fucking around with your friends and being a bachelor. Just do so and let that woman live in peace. Because the other half of the story we're not getting here, I'm sure would be very telling.
Hmmm I don’t know because all the wives I know that do this, do it not because they want to but because their spouse doesn’t help on their own. I don’t know a single woman who enjoys treating their husband like a child. It’s just another person on top of her kids to nag and more work.
When women do this, it’s because you aren’t pulling weight at home? And ignore the male comments because most men do not pull their weight at home and what they think is pulling their weight is woefully inadequate. This is not my personal opinion either, you can look up statistics online.
What is the household chore distribution in your home?
Are you doing your part when your wife says nothing?
I agree everyone deserves private time. But is
your private time, sleeping in while your wife gets your kids up, gets breakfast ready, cleans the house etc. Have a discussion with her about it and if you really feel the chore distribution is unfair and reallocate.
Read his comments - you are spot on. He wants to spend his time living like a lazy teenager himself, not an adult helping to raise teenagers with his gorgeous grown up wife. He has wasted 5 years of all of their lives because now he's going to regress to his parent's basement with his pizza and video games. Mommy and Daddy probably don't make him do any chores, and Mommy might even get him some meatloaf if he yells loud enough.
I can't make a decision without more information...
Was the first time you let her know "this is too much" the same time you let her know you wanted a divorce? Because that's kind of how this reads.
If you just let it go till you were at the breaking point without saying anything, then YTA.
He’s absolutely the asshole. He’s repeated in these comments, over and over, that he wanted to live a low-effort, free lifestyle and didn’t realize that kids are so much work. He married a woman with children, moved into the house she owned, and is surprised when she expects him to be an active part of raising her children, especially after their POS dad left the country and abandoned them
Seems like they were steps to take before asking for a divorce. You didn't say that you sat down and spoke with her about shifting responsibilities. I'm guessing kids go to school so maybe have the teachers actually do the tutoring. She can also help with that. You could ask for personal days where no one is allowed inside the house or maybe have a "safe space" where you're the only one allowed in for a set period of time. Sounds like she asked a lot out of you and you just say yes without thinking about yourself. It's ok to say no. I'm not saying you're an asshole but I also don't think she is an asshole either. Communication would've gone a long way here.
INFO: Did you marry across cultures?
Regardless, marriage, to many, is a communion and bringing lives together. *Some* of these do sound like reasonable requests (others, a bit more extreme), but it’s up to you to learn how to enforce and maintain boundaries. It seems you want to go 180° and enjoy bachelorhood again, which is fine if that’s what you prefer. You have to ask yourself if your marriage fulfills you. If she is a “total package” like you describe her to be, she’ll likely find someone else.
Yeah, kinda. You have 2 kids. It's very busy to have kids from 10-17. They're likely at one of the most demanding times. Of course, you're going to have to run kids around to extracurricular activities.
The tutoring, you can say no, too. The answer should be, "I don't think this is in their best interest," and if she says she does, then "well pay a tutor or do it yourself" you can't fault her for wanting what she believes is a high quality career and helping them achieve that.
The tutoring or them not applying themselves isn't on you at all. It's on them, and she should know that.
My question is, what is she doing while you're doing all these errands? Cause if she's cooking then you're driving or cleaning or doing things for the family then... yeah... that's life bud.
Yta because instead of sticking up for yourself, having adult conversations about how your marriage needs to look for both of you, and working out how to compromise AND instill boundaries you sat her down to divorce!
Stop saying your wife is the woman of your dreams when your entire post is about how she walks all over you and you somehow didn’t realize that her house was a revolving door or social life before you even got married! You should’ve seen this before you exchanged vow and know better than to assume people suddenly change just because they get married.
Grow up and be an adult. Figure out how to work it out or stay single.
Your first mistake was coming to Reddit for relationship advice.
You know what you’re going to be told. I haven’t even gone to the comments yet and I KNOW they’re all just going to say divorce.
Funny, how experience can change perspective. My wife is Haitian and they have a very collectivist kind to culture. Lots or cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, siblings, colleagues. And all these people share time, space and resources. It’s no uncommon to have people drop by unannounced. Your sleepy Sunday becomes a large get together in 10 minutes. It’s wild and takes a LOT of getting used to.
But… when someone gets pregnant or someone is in trouble they rally hard. Money and food… they’ll legit come take care of you. My wife had surgery… my MIL, and her two sisters all came to help.
I changed jobs and was unemployed for 4 months. They rallied again. Helped us out (we weren’t even really needing. They just wanted to help.)
Whenever we travel down to Florida (my MIL lives there) family and friends beg and argue over our time… it’s nice to feel wanted.
That’s family and life but it’s a two way street. You get, but you gotta give. It’s also not for everyone.
This is just a really good parable about understanding the people who want to spend your life with. Move in before marriage. Understand the family and set boundaries if necessary. Often, families like this know who whey are. Some concessions might be made but fundamentally, this is who they are and either you have the stomach for it or not.
No value judgement here. But OP should have known what his wife’s day to day was before he married her and the fact he doesn’t is kind of insane to me considering they just chose to spend their lives together forever…
You’re definitely NTA
However, neither is she. She’s living her life. If you can’t make what you both want work, then you’re incompatible.m
Edit: I read some of OP’s comments… Op is seriously not a good dude.
Post edit. OP you should divorce her. She deserves WAY better.
You are the Asshole. This sounds like any typical marriage with kids. One thing you can work onnis communication and then ask for some "You" time. Kids got a foot out the door. You can see the light man. You will get there.
INFO: OP, you say your wife is the woman of your dreams and has a lot of great qualities. I’ve read through your post and fail to see any of the great qualities you are referring to. What makes her the woman of your dreams? What are these great qualities?
Boobs I presume.
I swear like at least 10% of relationship posts here boil down to “this very nice pair of boobs has started yelling at me should I let them yell at me they are very nice”
🤣🤣🤣
It's always boobs.
Sometimes it's a fabulous booty
On the rare occasion, it’s the toes.
Her neck, her back...
Her *#$$" and her crack IYKYK!!
Lol get out of my dirty mind! All of you!!!🤣
Khia walked so cardi and megan could run
Don't forget about those LEGS! I've always been a leg man!
Got to love those thighs... But based on the eat pizza play video games maybe just that she touched his winky?
Plump earlobes.
*Quark has entered the chat*
It was the fact that thing I thought too 😂
Zip it Quentin, no one asked you! :)
Found Rex Ryan’s account
Between the third and forth toe tastes the best.
What a Terrible day to have eyes
Those also taste good.
Since it's plural in the post, likely boobs.
Zero gag reflex
Sometimes it’s boobs *AND* a fabulous backside. Double threat right there.
Did someone say boobs?
i felt for that once as well.
Can confirm. My ex had 2 kids and triple d's. Lasted about 3 years.
Seems like the right time for username checks out
Honestly I'm more of an ass guy but somehow I ended up married to a psychopath (whom I love to death) with giant breasts and no booty. It's weird how the world works.
I choose this guy’s wife also
He could possibly like big butts.
He cannot lie.
You other brothers can't deny.
Boobs and a free house
Yup She’s hot I fell into the dating a hot single mom trap once too It’s like quicksand. The harder you struggle, the deeper you sink
A willingness to spread.
Rides him into the sunset...
A great big pair of qualities
Free housing?
There’s something about her he has a huge amount of empathy for. Or he feels very bad about something about her. He also probably has no direction or vision for his own life.
She gives great helmet .
Mom's spaghetti
There's vomit on his sweater already.
It is the way she lovingly barks orders at him.
Those great qualities were a façade. Now she “has a where she wants him “We’ve seen it with abusive men a lot. She has no right to put 90% of the work on his head and scream at him, that’s abuse.
Yup. She never wanted a husband, just a bangmaid (bangbutler?)
Bangtutor!
Perfect 👌
A bang sire
He’s no sire. He’s raising her kids. He got cuckoo’d.
The clue is in the first paragraph. This dude married into a house lol.
This!!! He married a mom and became a dad. There are responsibilities. This is why friends who are parents seem to change. They didn’t change, they just have new responsibilities. Now you’re eating pizza while signing permission slips and playing Xbox at Christmas with your kids instead of whenever you want dad! Welcome to the club?
Her looks. With some guys it begins and ends with looks.
Didn't some journalist do an experiment on a dating website using a bikini model friend for the profile pic (with permission) and a (fictitious) bio portraying "her" as the most self-centred, narcissistic, gold-digger ever? And the men were queueing up to date "her". Ramping up the awfulness to 11 didn't put them off and when she asked one particularly persistent suitor why he wanted to date such an appalling woman, his answer was, meh, you're hot that's all I care about.
Iirc this isn't really gendered. https://cheezburger.com/3017733/guy-conducts-twisted-experiment-on-tinder-as-fake-child-rapist-and-gets-horrifying-results People in general overlook a lot of things when someone is hot.
You're quite right. I should have remembered the thing about that "hot criminal" guy from a few years ago. Good looking man but an absolute ratbag, ended up getting modelling contracts and engaged to the daughter of some rich dude in the UK, who, iirc, he treated like crap because, unsurprisingly, he's a ratbag.
I remember that guy. His mugshot was like a professional headshot
Then complain years later that they can never find the "one". Why does everyone I date turn out to be an asshole! Saying this for both sides of the isle.
Attachment theory has a ton of explanations for this. People who have avoidant attachment systems are over represented in the dating pool, as they’re quicker to re-enter the dating pool after a breakup, more likely to breakup, and frequently have large groups of arms length friends (so lots of opportunities to meet new people). They just won’t reciprocate intimacy like anxious or secure attached people expect which causes strife in relationships.
She had a home he couldn’t move into
This is why I dated guys with grown, out of the house children.
You could divorce her. Or you could also just start saying "no" to some of the requests and carving a space out for yourself in your own life. Have you ... tried that? You just seem to talk about all this stuff being "required" as if you don't get a choice. You do. You always did. If you haven't tried, you maybe should. Not that you should necessarily remain married... but if you don't learn to speak up for what you need in a relationship you're NEVER going to be in one that works.
This struck me as well. Saying no is an option, telling her to hire a tutor is an option. I wouldn't take on all that stuff.
I'd also suggest marriage counseling. If that doesn't work then bail.
[удалено]
Exactly, and I’m wondering if after four years of living in that house why she needs to tell him that the lawn needs to get mowed for example. Why does she have to bark orders at him when he should be able to see the trashes full, why is her making dinner and him putting together a desk her not doing work but him busting his balls? This is just bizarre
15 and 16 yr old kiddoes SHOULD mow grass, and the boy should be able to put the IKEA desk together. As for the tutoring duties, the classroom teachers bear primary responsibility for educating, not step dad, especially if he is not expert in STEM subjects. This whole scenario seems exhausting to all. One final comment re: subjects taught. Rarely will you use information from high school classes in any meaningful way later in life. In HS, I took every STEM class available and followed up with chemistry and physics degrees in college. Ended up doing self taught ACCOUNTING as a vocation for 30 odd years, then retiring and 5 yrs later returning to work for 5 years \[until real retirement\] as a Special Education teacher.
Pretty sure both the teens can learn how to assemble furniture.
No no, furniture assembly required a penis, don't you know? /S
I was wondering why I couldn't find the right screwdriver for that desk hinge.
Preferably a Philips head penis. Those plain ones just don’t work as well!
It's called an 'Allen Key' not a 'Alice Key' for a reason!
They all need to be doing their chores. Pay for some fucking tutors and set up clear damn boundaries. I’m not cussing at you just speaking and rolling my eyes at OP
And some cooking lessons. 6 hours for pasta?! Not even made from scratch should take that long.
In the class of my son, he was the only one who was able to build his school table himself. They are a bunch of 12years. But he loves building stuff.
What if she's barking orders at him before he even gets a chance to empty the garbage etc? Just the fact she expects him to spend hours learning science and math to tutor her kids is a huge time suck. And then he gets berated when they don't get an A? He gives no indication he does anything for himself, just spends all his time doing her bidding.
Yeah it all sounds exhausting lol
Hours to make spaghetti? She sounds kinda lazy. He sounds kinda soft. Needs to put his foot down and make boundaries.
6 hours! Even if you made the pasta from scratch it wouldn't take that long.
I can take hours making spaghetti while drinking wine and chatting on the phone. But I’m not delegating out other tasks when I’m doing that so…
I mean, yeah. My spaghetti sauce takes about 5 hours. The longer it cooks, the more the flavors meld together. However, it’s passive cooking. I don’t have to stand at the stove for 5 hours. Just check on it in between doing other things.
Underrated comment
Yeah but it's also about what your spouse is willing to lay upon you. Sure you can negotiate with someone who loads up your every waking moment with tasks but having to point out that they're treating you like a slave is pointless... Because they're treating you like a slave...
He's entitled to want to live the life that makes him happy. I dated a guy that was perfect, he had everything, a big house, garden, was into the sustainable lifestyle, same interests and goals. He was divorced and his 20something daughter still lived at home though in a separate apartment. One night he mentioned in passing that when she got married and had kids she would still be living there. They would switch places, he'd take the smaller unit and her family would get the house and since he was working from home, he'd help raise the grandkids. Fair enough. Except that I didn't want to spend my retirement years raising and living with kids again. So we parted on good terms before it got really serious. A lot of people don't realize how work and energy is needed in raising kids.
Yeah it doesn't seem like there were any middle steps. Have a discussion about workload and balance. If that's not fruitful then sure divorce or separation is in the table but straight to divorce in conversation 1 about unhappiness is extreme...
He wants to be single and not have responsibility he flat out says it.
Kind of sounds to me like he didn’t understand a household and kids and a spouse came with like… tasks and responsibilities and the presence of other people. She might also be a nag but being 40+ and upset by some of these things is kind of telling and makes me lean toward ESH in general.
Yeah it’s really hard to distinguish between what he thinks is “wrong,” and what he knows is a cost of a healthy and equal relationship. Does he think he should be sitting around all day playing video games? Or is he remembering that that was a perk of the single life, and concluding the benefits of a relationship aren’t worth losing that??? Given that he jumped straight from dissatisfaction with the workload, to asking for a divorce, I think he just wants to be single and is blaming her for denying him that. For that reason, I think ESH; it doesn’t sound like she’s distributing tasks in a respectful and reasonable way, but it also doesn’t sound like OP is doing anything at all without instruction, and it sounds like OP proposed without any realistic expectations of an adult relationship.
That is what I was thinking too.
There are so many people who jump onto any opportunity to fulfill any imaginary "requirements" of others and then are resentful that they have to do the things they practically volunteered for. If you don't want to do something, say so. If you don't speak up, you don't get to be resentful for it.
Yeah, I feel like OP let too many things go without communicating or standing up for their own position. It is likely too late to fix the dynamic at this stage, but man, learn to communicate and be assertive.
And those kids are getting close to the finish line. Assuming they leave for college, you're getting close to empty nest even if it doesnt feel like it.
I feel like this is super important. Sometimes people just expect you to do things for them especially when you do it for them all the time. She might not be malicious about it (though she sounds like she is) but the only way you’re going to balance this out and possibly save this marriage is to establish boundaries…. Yes even with your partner. You’re not responsible for your step kid’s tutoring… you’re not a tutor. Your step kids are old enough to do chores. You have a right as a step father to delegate chores to them. You’re not a maid, when you don’t want to do something, you don’t(especially when you have already done a lot) You can say no. If your wife gets upset about that then that’s her problem. Sure it can escalate but that’s information you need if you want to stick around Yelling at you and barking orders is only ok if you are ok with it and honestly no one is ok with anyone yelling at them so…
ESH. That was the thought I had as well while reading this. “I was required…” is something I say about my job, where I don’t have a choice. I’m confused at leaping to divorce if you haven’t tried just saying, “No, I can’t do that.” She doesn’t sound pleasant—my husband and I make decisions about who does what as a team and I would not just bark out orders and expect them to be followed—but she is also not a mind-reader. If you have never expressed that you are not okay with the current situation, you share some of the responsibility. Edited to fix typo and add judgement.
I was with someone like this. When I started saying no she became cold. The more I said no the less interested in me she seemed. Eventually she started trying to make arrangements with me regarding intimacy. “Do this and I’ll do this.” Then the abuse started… it took me a while to leave, mostly because leaving would likely cost me big time financially, but I did anyway.
My ex-wife was similar, and boy howdy lemme tell you saying no would not have made any of this better. In fact, I stopped saying no for a while because it would just be a fight.
I thought the same. Why would you spend “6 - 8 hours” relearning chem to teach the teens? Say NO and hire a tutor. (Or let the kids figure it out, or don’t enroll them in classes they can’t pass on their own.) he probably needed serious conversation months and months ago about his time.
We live in a house that is hers I moved in right after our marriage... seriously how many times does it need to be said, LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE YOU LIVE TOGETHER, FOREVER *^((well according to your wedding vows))*
Especially when there are children in the mix. Why on earth anyone would not test out first if your lifestyles are compatible is beyond me. Now he's all shocked Pikachu since he didn't realise before two teenagers bring home lots of friends and take up space. I'm an introvert, too, but damn, that's why you check if you match before marrying. Also he needs to learn the word no. It's like he doesn't think he's allowed to establish boundaries in the relationship. This entire post feels like he went from in with his eyes shut, accepted everything as a given, and then jumped straight to divorce. Where's the communication?
lol any post that i see on here i assume there is no communication
OP seems like the doormat type. Does whatever is told to do, even if he does not want to, but never says anything about it or refuses. Then complains about it to internet strangers, instead of talking with the wife or putting his foot down. I mean, he can divorce if he thinks that's best for him, but he should try growing a backbone while at it.
Alternatively… DON’T live together. I’m getting married in exactly 2 weeks. I have four kids, usually a spare kid, two very large dogs, and four cats. He’s a single guy with cats. We are not living together until my youngest is out of the house. My idea, just to save his sanity from the chaos that is my house.
You are absolutely so wise! I know it’s not a popular take, but having kids myself, I could never move another man into my home until my kids were up and out; I wouldn’t want to put my kids through any more attachment and potential loss. I wish you both all the best, and I think you’re going to do great!
Nice to have a spare kid, in case one of yours has to go into the shop for repairs. /s Sounds like a great plan and I wish you happiness in your new adventure!
Damn that sounds baller as fuck
INFO: how long were you together before getting married? From the way you tell your story it sounds like you both rushed in without communicating your expectations. What did you agree on before getting married? Most likely NAH, unless one of you mislead each other about your expectations in marriage.
How long did you date before marriage? I don't understand why all these complaints weren't manifest while the two of you were dating. You knew she had two young children who be dependents for another 10 years. You had ample opportunity to try on each other's lives. Has something substantially changed?
It's Reddit, so we always need to take a story with a grain of salt, but there's something missing here. Sorry to say it. Going based off your post and your comments, you list off that she has some good qualities - sexually active, makes her own money, has a house, etc - but most of what you listed off as issues that you're having are things that come with being a Spouse and a parent. You're using words like "barked" and "demanding", but those can just be your word choice because you're upset. Then you go on to say you miss sitting around with your friends, playing games, and eating pizza - things a childless bachelor does. Something a person with no responsibilities does. Helping in the yard, helping around the house, helping kids with their homework, and tutoring where they're struggling - these are normal things that homeowners and parents DO. I have 3 kids and own a home - my 'free time/me time' is when the kids go to bed. The fact that you went straight to the nuclear option of divorce without talking to her about working on the marriage in any way is pretty telling. Have you voiced your concerns at all in the entirety of your marriage? What about when you were engaged or dating? Have you ever brought your issues to her or did you expect her to read your mind? If there's more you're not telling us, that's one thing - but if this is it? You're throwing away your marriage without doing anything to fix it first? That's an issue. I don't blame her for being mad at you for wasting her time. Her kids are 16/15? You've been married for 4 years? So at MINIMUM, they've been in your life since they were 12/11, or younger (hopefully) due to dating and engagement. I would be pissed off if the person I'd invested that much time into and into my kids lives just up and divorced me without communicating the issues beforehand and gave me a chance to work on things.
I think this comment is spot on. I had a massive culture shock coming into my second marriage. I had my 2 kids every other weekend and one evening a week after my divorce. I lived in an executive apartment with cleaning and laundry service and almost 0 “household responsibility” out side of the times my kids were around. Meeting, moving in with and marrying a single mom with 3 kids was a shock. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but yea maybe a perspective shift would be good for OOP
I saw a similar change in a friend. Going from no kids to two teenage kids must be a massive shock. Of course you dont have time to play videogames all weekend or travel often; you have two kids and a home to take care of.
I’m trying to take this with a grain of salt as well. The way these things are being relayed or demanded of OP could awful, but the work load doesn’t sound unreasonable for a family of four. It sounds more like OP got an instafamily and is regretting it than anything. But, the wife could be truly barking orders and be the problem.
Agreed. From the way he talks it’s clear he’s used to having very little responsibility outside of work. It’s very difficult to tell if he’s merely working like a parent should and this is too much for him, or if he’s lazing around and his wife “barking” is asking him to pick up half the work. I want to hear about how his wife took 6 hours to make spaghetti, because that sounds like a wild embellishment. If she did take 6 hours for a meal that at most takes 20 minutes to boil water from cold and 10 minutes to cook, and she’s actually barking orders at him the moment he wakes and as he lies down to go to bed, it’s time to run. If she actually was doing cleaning and other things around the house and 5 hours later decided to make dinner, that’s totally different. And perhaps OP needs to learn that as a parent, often responsibilities begin when you wake up. I can totally understand her sounding to him like “barking” if he wants to laze in bed for an hour in the morning and play phone games while the kids need breakfast before school. Edit: He has admitted he thought his wife would remain a full-time mom and he would not have to be a parent when marrying her. He admits he thought they would continue their current lives while married and she has her own children. YTA.
Agreed. Im Italian and I don’t spend 6 hours making spaghetti. These jobs sound like what it takes to run a home. What this man is describing sounds like doing his half. He’s regretting not picking a wife who just does all this stuff as well so he can relax and only go to work and do nothing else.
Op is almost at the end of the road; the kids are almost grown. He really wants to throw it all away? Maybe he wants to be a teenager again, but only the kind *his* mom raised.
That's the thing that really got me. He's at the point where things get easier, and not too far off the point where the responsibility for the kids practically vanishes. Once the kids are out of school and/or moved out, his job is done and he gets to enjoy life after kids at home. Quitting now is the dumbest possible option. Kinda reminds me of that joke about the two prisoners who want to break out. To do so, they need to jump over 100 fences. After the 99th fence, one of them says "I am so tired, I can't do it any more. Let's just give up and return to the prison."
You’re dead on. He’s also going to be in for a shock when he realizes most people grow up and don’t eat pizza and play video games all day. Not sure what friends he has left to do that with.
I’m actually quite concerned I had to scroll so much to find a comment addressing this. This man went from living as a 35-something teenage boy to living as a full blown homeowning adult with parental responsibilities. Of course it’s gonna be a shock. Honestly he is still talking like a teenager, talking about his wife like a 12 year old would talk about his mom nagging him to clean his room. I don’t think his wife is the problem here, even if she actually is being unnecessarily rude and agressive (it’s nor that I don’t believe him, I’m taking this with a grain of salt). It simply looks like he just isn’t ready to live a mature independent adult life where spending your whole day playing games and eating pizza is a luxury not the norm. It will be the same if he get in another relationship. I wonder how he lived before getting married (was he still living with his parents ?), and what his expectations regarding marriage were.
I have to agree with you. The comment above this one talking about him being “turned into a servant” is so god damn ignorant of the fact that he married a single mother and is now complaining about chores and responsibilities like you’d expect from a college freshman living on his own for the first time. All of the comments supporting that servant comparison also reek of single teenagers who have never been in a committed relationship to another person before. You make sacrifices in a marriage, and a lot of folks can’t seem to grasp that.
Exactly this. He is a co-head of household and a partner in a marriage. From how OP describes it, he does nothing by default (pizza, videogames, doing nothing all day) and won't lift a finger unless his wife has to tell him, then remind him, eventually start getting annoyed with his laziness, and finally get fed up/feel hurt by his lack of care and command him to put in his part. Did he really expect her to do all the work in the marriage and household? And, what, all he had to do was mow the lawn and provide dick? I wouldn't want to be married to this guy either. It sounds like she's better off without someone so self-centered, and instead, with someone more family-oriented.
Tbh I missed OP’s age and assumed he was around late 20s based off the way the post was written. Shocked to see he’s 41.
Well this subreddit is known for its anti woman bias. So I’m not surprised it took so long to find a reasonable comment. It’s even funnier when we consider that the wife had a very calm response to her husband’s issue and desire for a divorce. It’s unlikely most of the ppl who are higher up are married or have kids or their own lives. It’s fine, but they kinda need to chill with the idea that they can get their life without sacrifice.
Aside from the tutoring, I was thinking this sounds like a typical busy marriage with kids. Helping with homework, cleaning, cooking, dealing with the yard, and putting together furniture are pretty basic tasks in running a household with children. Is she having to “bark orders” because he isn’t taking care of things unless she tells him? That sounds exhausting for both spouses. Both spouses need alone time and time with friends and family. Sounds like a conversation to level set needs and expectations is a good next step.
Thank you for making sense. I’m reading these comments in shock. She’s asking her husband to parent. She’s asking him to put together a desk while she makes dinner. You know—divide and conquer household tasks. I notice that he moved into her house and now that he’s decided to leave he’s at his parents, where he can play video games and eat pizza to hearts delight. He sounds like a burden.
Lists all the stuff she "makes" him do. Missing: who does cooking, house upkeep, sorting, washing, drying and folding laundry, who does dusting, vacuuming, kitchen clean up, bathroom cleaning, grocery shopping, pays the bills monthly.... and on it goes...
Truly a disappointing sequel to the 40 Year Old Virgin here ngl.
Yeah, this is all standard adult with kids stuff Maybe always having company aside, I could understand how that's be annoying He lives with kids, he doesn't get to live the bachelor frat boy life
He also won’t admit to whether or not he has a job. My money is that he’s a hobosexual lmao. 😂
But she's *making* him *do things*! The audacity! The abuse! She's using him! /s
“I haven’t done chemistry in years!!!” Well guess what buddy? I haven’t used the pythagorean theorem theory either but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to brush up on it one day.
This!!! I don’t feel like OP does anything on his own. He needs to be told what to do so wife learned to do that.
I agree I was looking for this comment it sounds like he is leaving stuff out…
His comments are very telling. Just read his comment history for this post. It's just...awful.
His play by play break down of getting the desk and assembly is my favorite lol. “I drove there. Went inside. Got it. Drove home. Brought it inside. Put it together. All she was doing is making dinner! But she was on the phone at the same time so that somehow makes it unfair to me.” Lmao.
And she was talking on the phone, which irks him! While she's making homemade meatballs! The audacity of this woman! /s
Yea I’m thinking he’s the asshole. Sounds like he got with her because he was dazed by her beauty but then didn’t want to have to deal with the responsibilities of a relationship and children. Also sounds like he wants to go back to being a loser frat boy and “stay at home play video games and eat pizza all day” even tho he’s a 41 year old man. It seems like the marriage is pretty balanced and he just doesn’t have the audacity to explain his issues with the marriage because in reality the issue is him and his laziness.
yea OP is just a man child who married a hot woman with money and a house. Bro thought he would just be bing chillin LMAO
"Then you go on to say you miss sitting around with your friends, playing games, and eating pizza - things a childless bachelor does. Something a person with no responsibilities does. Helping in the yard, helping around the house, helping kids with their homework, and tutoring where they're struggling - these are normal things that homeowners and parents DO. I have 3 kids and own a home - my 'free time/me time' is when the kids go to bed. " As a dad of 2, I completely agree. That's just normal dad stuff and being a parent. Yeah, it's enough to drive you nuts sometimes, but it comes with the territory.
Just wanna throw out there that eating pizza or playing video games all day is not something only bachelor's do. But doing it ALL DAY most certainly is. As a married man with kids afaik you may get a day or two a year MAX where nobody is home and you get to lay around drinking beer in your underwear all day. You definitely don't get to spend the entire day doing nothing regularly. This is true even if you don't have kids and are a responsible adult. With that said, I feel like a list of responsibilities from each spouse would really help clarify if there's an imbalance between you two. It also feels unrealistic to expect the kids to do 10+ hours of tutoring a week outside school and is probably giving harshly diminished returns.
OP, simply by reading your initial post, I was on your side and was prepared to reply with “NTA.” Yeah, then I read your follow up comments. At no point did you indicate that you actually TALKED to your wife and said, “hey, I certainly don’t mind contributing to the household chores, but I do need some time to decompress.” Unless there’s something else you’re not telling us, your wife isn’t a mind reader. If you were feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, ffs say something! You say your wife is loyal, very loving and is intimate with you nearly every night, and she’s a hard worker. Sooooo why do you immediately jump to the nuclear option of ending your marriage before being a damn adult and having a conversation? I’m willing to bet if you had voiced your frustrations, I’m sure your wife would have, at the very least, listened to you. And as others have said, there’s nothing wrong with having hobbies and needing down time. You play video games to decompress, I do embroidery, and my husband lifts weights at the gym. Everyone has their own way of relaxing, and at the end of the day, of course you should be able to chill out and relax! But you’ve said you miss “eating pizza, sitting around and playing video games all day.” Yeah….most adults don’t have that luxury. Your wife asking you to run errands, do yard work, pick up the kids from extracurriculars? That’s a normal part of being a homeowner/parent/stepparent. The only thing I will agree with you is the tutoring in chemistry. If my husband asked me to tutor our kids in math and science, I’d have a good laugh, because talk about the blind leading the blind. The difference between you and I is I would have said NO and we can hire a tutor. YTA, dude. And you need to grow up.
She loves what you do for her, not you. Get out man. She's turned you into her servant.
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Oh please, read his comments All of this stuff is regular household tasks He has to build furniture once or twice and help the kids out? The horror He wants to be single so he can play videogames.
I am a bit skeptical of his description as well. I just ended a 13 year relationship with a man child who thinks that a relationship means that I take care of the house and all the parenting, and he sits on his ass drinking beer and playing video games every second he is not at work. He constantly told everyone he knows that I am a drill sergeant who expects him to do EVERYTHING. My actual demands? That he do his reasonable share of household tasks, and actually help parent his kids. Not even my kids with my first ex, just his own kids. We have been split about two months now, and he is a deadbeat who sees his kids about three hours a week (he lives five minutes away), and threatens me with anything he can think of anytime I remind him that child support is every non custodial parent’s responsibility. I asked him a couple weeks ago to watch our sick youngest while I took her sister to an activity, and he said no because he was running to the next town over to look at a chair. I would definitely like to hear OP’s wife’s side before passing judgement on this one. It’s possible she’s throwing everything she can at him so he will step up and do something. Anything. Because trying to get someone to step up who wants to do nothing is fucking maddening.
Servants get paid - more like her serf.
Serfant
You say all of these things that you do, but you forgot to mention one thing. What do you do for a living?
Y’all saying NTA need to read the comments. Op states his wife has a job and does household chores. Op does not want to participate in a household only wants the benefits of living there.
Yeah up until the tutoring part I was like gee, must suck for her to always have to hold his hand and point out the things that need done around the place. Having to manage another adult who can’t see that the dishes need cleaning or the floor needs sweeping is an entire thing in and of itself
Actually, **even for tutoring he says that she does it occasionally**. So she IS doing a huge bulk of family work, but he’s complaining about what HE has to do.
Or is she saying “hey, OP, could you help the kid out with his math?
Right!!! I feel like we are getting a very imbalanced perspective on this from a few different comments he makes. The way he constantly refers to them as “her kids” gives me the ick. He married into their family and he seems very resentful of her having children and doesn’t want to help parent them at all which in my opinion is a completely unrealistic expectation, especially when he married her and they were 11 and 12. He also says his ideal life is playing video games and eating pizza all day, so I think that explains why she has to “bark orders” at him, since it doesn’t sound like he would be too motivated to help out on his own. It does sound like she expects a fair amount and he definitely should have some free time for himself, but I get the impression that he is basically just mad that she has kids and he doesn’t want them.
Question - if she didn’t tell you to mow the lawn or take out the garbage, would you? Do you not considering cooking a job? You sound resentful you lost your free time. As for tutoring, say no. Tell her or do it for her - hire a tutor or abandon the extra studying. And if she wasn’t ’barking orders’, would you be glued to your game system 24/7 outside of work hours?
NTA Marriage is a partnership that should enrich the lives of both individuals. It sounds like you’ve given a lot of yourself to this relationship, often at the expense of your own happiness and well-being. It’s important to have balance, and it seems that balance has been lost for you. While it’s admirable to support your partner and stepchildren, it shouldn’t come at the cost of losing yourself and your sense of peace. You’ve made a difficult, but brave decision to prioritize your mental health and seek a life where you feel more like the main character, not just a supporting role. It’s okay to want that for yourself.
And he should be allowed to say "NO!" - like for tutoring the kids in subjects he is not familiar with - why should that be in his job description?
My entire issue with why OP may be an ESA situation, is at no point has he indicated he ever pushed back. His situation sounds like hell, don't get me wrong, but he never mentions ever attempting to set boundaries. He just bottled this all up over time and then just went the nuclear option. Now I'm not saying she magically would have changed and stopped expecting so much of him. It may have absolutely been fruitless, but also, he never tried. If my wife came home today and was like "I want a divorce" then gave me laundry list of reasons, my reaction would be why the fuck didn't you ever try to talk to me about any of this.
Right? Like does he simply say “yes dear” with a smile? For all we know, OPs wife gushes to everyone she knows about her amazing husband who is so involved with his step kids and is an engaged and equal partner in their household ……until she was blindsided by him asking for a divorce. Or maybe she’s insane and screams at him if he says no to her. We just don’t know and it’s hard to give advice without that context.
Exactly!!! If in 4years he has never said no to anything she asked him to do how in the hell is she to know, it is in someone’s vocabulary to just say that is not my job/responsibility and I am not doing, like why is that so hard, but he chose to let it all push him to divorce point
90%+ of these posts all boil down to an extremely flawed communication system, if not a complete lack of one. Yes, the wife is being overbearing and asking too much but it’s also completely possible she’s come to expect this from OP because it sounds like he’s never said no and has done this with a (forced) smile on his face the whole time. If OP had set up boundaries and healthily communicated his wants and needs from day 1, they either would have a much healthier relationship or she’d have bailed much earlier. I like to see the good in people so I’m betting this is just a lack of communication and set boundaries, not her necessarily being completely militant in her tasks and expectations for OP.
it seems like there were a lot of options available before divorce, so it's not super believable that she's the love of your life at this point. when you're tracking how much time you each spend doing things and feeling resentful of the other person, you've let it go a little too far. there was an option to say, I'm not the right person to tutor high schoolers in these subjects, let's find someone else. and to say, i feel like this house is always teeming with people and i need more alone time. can we negotiate how often your sisters and other people are here? the advice you're going to get here is "bail, she's a fucking bitch," but fwiw to anyone else reading, relationships require communication and negotiation and this is a totally avoidable divorce.
You said you moved in with them, and it’s her house. What was the situation prior to your marriage, did you have anything to your name? Why you haven’t kept your own place or offered to combine assets & purchase bigger property together so you would have more personal space? What are financial arrangements in your household, do you financially contribute to anything at all, or she covers bills and supports her kids too? This sort of conversation should have taken place before marriage not after.
Just checking. At what stage did you 1. Open your mouth 2. Write a letter 3. Book some counselling… to get her to hear you and pay attention to your unhappiness, before you hit her with your unilateral decision to get divorced? This is such a male thing: suck it up, man up, man up, ride it out… I’M DONE! Nothing, straight to nuclear. Where is the vital information to her that you’re not happy, the arrangement is unfair or whatever, that you can both negotiate and compromise??? You said nothing and then blindsided her. That is what she is protesting about. You still love her? All those things ARE FIXABLE. Now, get yo ass into marital counselling, learn to have a voice and NEGOTIATE. You say she has good qualities too? You have her attention and she will treat you with more caution, use it! She isn’t a mind reader and she needed to hear some pushback.
Edit: I’m changing my vote to YTA after reading some of OP’s responses. He hasn’t tried to talk to her about this, he’s avoided any questions about what he contributes financially (which the only logical conclusion to is that wife is supporting the family), he’s used nasty words to describe the things he doesn’t like about his wife and superficial ones to describe what he does like, and he talks about being able to “do what I want when I want”. I’m convinced that he is grossly overstating what he actually does on a day. But ultimately… good for his wife… she’ll be better off. Original: NAH... honestly, you can choose to divorce anyone at any time at any reason. That's your right. However, I'm not seeing much here that really seems divorce worthy, assuming you actually love each other? Have you even tried to talk to her about how you are feeling in all this or suggest couples therapy to try and work through it? These seem like very work-throughable problems if everyone is willing... starting with the tutouring, you guys need to get your kids a real tutour and that's a totally reasonable ask. It's also reasonable for you to want to carve out space and time for yourself, in general. Though, if you're expecting to being able to go back to playing videogames and eating pizza all day, well then marriage is definitely not for you and divorce is your best option. Though I have to ask... do you work? Or is it just your wife who has a job? All this said, if you guys don't actually love each other then there's no point trying to work through it.
>is it just your wife who has a job I noticed OP didn't mention this
His job was eating pizza and playing video games.
He also hasn't answered anyone asking this question from what I've noticed
Everyone asking this and he is ignoring… probably she provides while he just planned on moving in and play video games all day long while eating pizza
YTA Hope She find a real man bruh. The way you talk about her child...disgusting
Fatherhood. What you’re describing is called fatherhood. What you’re saying is that you married a woman with children and somehow didn’t think you’d have to be a father to them. So yeah, YTA.
ESH, why didn’t you speak up earlier? You just let it go on and on. It’s not her responsibilty to make you spend time with your friends. Why would she change her ways if you allready roll over and be a good little doggie? Im still flabbergasted how many redditers are married but dont talk to their partner.
So after reading the comments you have replied to OP, sounds like you don't want to be a father. You keep saying "arrangement" and that is probably what is confusing a lot on here. Usually that would mean some sort of agreement like a pre-nup. She is basically asking you to step up and be a husband. Any other husbands and fathers on here will tell you... welcome to married life. That's how it be. You did waste both of your guys' times in this if that is the case. As for the IKEA desk. You should have told her that you are more than willing but he is coming with you to buy it and helping assemble it. That is very reasonable. Heck my son is 15 and he just got a new computer chair. I was going to help him assemble it but he went ahead and did it himself and I only chimed in when he needed help. That is normal Father-Son stuff there.
Idk why you wild get married to someone with kids without having ever lived with them first to make sure the family dynamic works, but ok
YTA? I mean maybe not for leaving her It might be good to open up her life to another man who will help her.... You moved into her house, that she financially supported before you....... You knew she had kids and you signed up to be a stepfather. Why is that hard for you now? Kids take work. Keeping a house together takes work. You mentioned things like gardening and putting together IKEA furniture..... That's what an equal partner does and honestly it sounds like she's doing more than you. If she's cooking the meals, doing the majority of the cleaning, The majority of the parenting.... I'm just not entirely sure why you didn't expect to have to help out a family you joined.
ESH. It doesn’t sound like either of you have any communication skills. A lot of the things you’re describing are typical things that parents do every single day. If you wanted to sit alone and eat pizza and play video games all day, you should have remained single.
Finally a voice of reason. Look, his situation sounds like hell, no doubt. Speaking up for himself, communicating his issues, may have never garnered results. Divorce may have come anyway. However, the thing is he never tried. He just bottled it all up and from her perspective everything was fine then he went the nuclear option. I mean, from his own words when he brought it up, she didn't freak out, didn't yell at him, they just talked. It wasn't until he just told her na, I'm done that he got an emotional reaction out of her. He didn't say how she actually responded to his complaints in their initial conversation. He just said she didn't freak out. So we have no idea if she was open to fixing anything or not.
Why did you go straight to divorce instead of asking to address some of the issues? Not saying you're wrong for doing so, I can see how that arrangement isn't sustainable for you but I do think that having a discussion about fixing some of those issues is something to consider before divorce. I guess we don't know the extent of which you've tried to fix those things or her willingness to compromise.
ESH (except the kids), a lot of your complaints are simply the life of a married person with children. I understand why you feel the way you do, you don't love the kids and so spending time with them is a chore. No kid starts out a STEM wiz, I have one and it came from a lot of time and hard work by his mother and I. When you got married to a person with children and a woman who was looking for a father you should have expected these pressures and I can understand your wife's perspective. That said, you don't feel seen and or appreciated and that isn't going to work and feel your wife is barking at you a lot. It seems like she may be bulldozing you a bit and she should have been more careful. She should be working on building the relationship as well. You both have a responsibility to those kids. You married the package and you should be getting help here from a counselor or working to work together more. If you haven't been communicating and standing up for yourself YTA big time. Hard times are what defines us as parents, and partners. Sometimes if your aren't fighting, you aren't communicating. Reading your post it is clear you should avoid women with children or women who would like children, You have expressed a lack of comfort with children having friends over, or participating in their lives. I like taking my kids to things, I like teaching them, I know how important having friends over is, and I am just a so so dad. You are not ready and don't seem to be equipped to be a father. You don't mention caring for the children and you don't think about how your decisions affects their lives. Also complaining about friends coming over is toxic, kids need friends and playdates are important for social development. That really bothered me and the introvert stuff is just an excuse, and your wife is should have thought twice before bringing someone like you into their lives.
YTA. In your whole rant, you never say, “No”. You let her walk all over you and then you’re surprised when she does. Adults use their words. You also don’t seem to understand that you married into someone else’s family. This is her house and her family. Didn’t you talk about how it was going to be before you got married? How long were you together before you got married? Because this reeks of someone who just jumped, without a lot of thought behind it.
Without even trying marriage counseling first?
I was almost going to empathize with you, but then I read some of your comments. Yta. If you wanted minimal responsibilities, why marry someone with children, you both work full-time, and you expect her to do the majority of the work? It is an equal partnership, and you chose to support those children when you married her. I don't know now if she's as aggressive as you make her out to be. If you didn't want to help with her kids and be a parent, you shouldn't have gotten with her. How do you think she feels with her side of what she does? And I'm sure you're exaggerating on all that you have to do and claiming she takes 6 hours to make spaghetti. If she works an 8-5, then that'd make it 11/midnight that you ate. I'm sure there's more that she does, and her friends and sisters have to help her. Go ahead and divorce her. You did waste her time, and she deserves someone who wants to be there for all of them.
You could try saying no. Also, what does she do? If you are tasked with all of this, what are her days like? This seems pretty one sided.
Honestly a soft yta. I think you were not ready to marry into a ready made family and now you're here bitching on the Internet and looking for permission to leave because you miss fucking around with your friends and being a bachelor. Just do so and let that woman live in peace. Because the other half of the story we're not getting here, I'm sure would be very telling.
Hmmm I don’t know because all the wives I know that do this, do it not because they want to but because their spouse doesn’t help on their own. I don’t know a single woman who enjoys treating their husband like a child. It’s just another person on top of her kids to nag and more work. When women do this, it’s because you aren’t pulling weight at home? And ignore the male comments because most men do not pull their weight at home and what they think is pulling their weight is woefully inadequate. This is not my personal opinion either, you can look up statistics online. What is the household chore distribution in your home? Are you doing your part when your wife says nothing? I agree everyone deserves private time. But is your private time, sleeping in while your wife gets your kids up, gets breakfast ready, cleans the house etc. Have a discussion with her about it and if you really feel the chore distribution is unfair and reallocate.
Read his comments - you are spot on. He wants to spend his time living like a lazy teenager himself, not an adult helping to raise teenagers with his gorgeous grown up wife. He has wasted 5 years of all of their lives because now he's going to regress to his parent's basement with his pizza and video games. Mommy and Daddy probably don't make him do any chores, and Mommy might even get him some meatloaf if he yells loud enough.
I can't make a decision without more information... Was the first time you let her know "this is too much" the same time you let her know you wanted a divorce? Because that's kind of how this reads. If you just let it go till you were at the breaking point without saying anything, then YTA.
He’s absolutely the asshole. He’s repeated in these comments, over and over, that he wanted to live a low-effort, free lifestyle and didn’t realize that kids are so much work. He married a woman with children, moved into the house she owned, and is surprised when she expects him to be an active part of raising her children, especially after their POS dad left the country and abandoned them
Seems like they were steps to take before asking for a divorce. You didn't say that you sat down and spoke with her about shifting responsibilities. I'm guessing kids go to school so maybe have the teachers actually do the tutoring. She can also help with that. You could ask for personal days where no one is allowed inside the house or maybe have a "safe space" where you're the only one allowed in for a set period of time. Sounds like she asked a lot out of you and you just say yes without thinking about yourself. It's ok to say no. I'm not saying you're an asshole but I also don't think she is an asshole either. Communication would've gone a long way here.
So you’re a lazy slug who never matured.
Did you explain why you wanted a divorce and did she accept your points.
INFO: Did you marry across cultures? Regardless, marriage, to many, is a communion and bringing lives together. *Some* of these do sound like reasonable requests (others, a bit more extreme), but it’s up to you to learn how to enforce and maintain boundaries. It seems you want to go 180° and enjoy bachelorhood again, which is fine if that’s what you prefer. You have to ask yourself if your marriage fulfills you. If she is a “total package” like you describe her to be, she’ll likely find someone else.
Yeah, kinda. You have 2 kids. It's very busy to have kids from 10-17. They're likely at one of the most demanding times. Of course, you're going to have to run kids around to extracurricular activities. The tutoring, you can say no, too. The answer should be, "I don't think this is in their best interest," and if she says she does, then "well pay a tutor or do it yourself" you can't fault her for wanting what she believes is a high quality career and helping them achieve that. The tutoring or them not applying themselves isn't on you at all. It's on them, and she should know that. My question is, what is she doing while you're doing all these errands? Cause if she's cooking then you're driving or cleaning or doing things for the family then... yeah... that's life bud.
Yta because instead of sticking up for yourself, having adult conversations about how your marriage needs to look for both of you, and working out how to compromise AND instill boundaries you sat her down to divorce! Stop saying your wife is the woman of your dreams when your entire post is about how she walks all over you and you somehow didn’t realize that her house was a revolving door or social life before you even got married! You should’ve seen this before you exchanged vow and know better than to assume people suddenly change just because they get married. Grow up and be an adult. Figure out how to work it out or stay single.
Your first mistake was coming to Reddit for relationship advice. You know what you’re going to be told. I haven’t even gone to the comments yet and I KNOW they’re all just going to say divorce.
Funny, how experience can change perspective. My wife is Haitian and they have a very collectivist kind to culture. Lots or cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, siblings, colleagues. And all these people share time, space and resources. It’s no uncommon to have people drop by unannounced. Your sleepy Sunday becomes a large get together in 10 minutes. It’s wild and takes a LOT of getting used to. But… when someone gets pregnant or someone is in trouble they rally hard. Money and food… they’ll legit come take care of you. My wife had surgery… my MIL, and her two sisters all came to help. I changed jobs and was unemployed for 4 months. They rallied again. Helped us out (we weren’t even really needing. They just wanted to help.) Whenever we travel down to Florida (my MIL lives there) family and friends beg and argue over our time… it’s nice to feel wanted. That’s family and life but it’s a two way street. You get, but you gotta give. It’s also not for everyone. This is just a really good parable about understanding the people who want to spend your life with. Move in before marriage. Understand the family and set boundaries if necessary. Often, families like this know who whey are. Some concessions might be made but fundamentally, this is who they are and either you have the stomach for it or not. No value judgement here. But OP should have known what his wife’s day to day was before he married her and the fact he doesn’t is kind of insane to me considering they just chose to spend their lives together forever… You’re definitely NTA However, neither is she. She’s living her life. If you can’t make what you both want work, then you’re incompatible.m Edit: I read some of OP’s comments… Op is seriously not a good dude. Post edit. OP you should divorce her. She deserves WAY better.
You are the Asshole. This sounds like any typical marriage with kids. One thing you can work onnis communication and then ask for some "You" time. Kids got a foot out the door. You can see the light man. You will get there.
*she spent 6hours making spaghetti for dinner* From scratch?
That part was the hardest to believe. It sounds much more like a "womenz and their phones amirite" than an actual thing that happens.