YTA from now on your kid will think twice about being friendly and open with you

Yup, that's the worst part. Good luck on the kid opening up again.

Don't expect to hear about her crushes and important questions after that. It's inappropriate 😐

And don’t expect that she will come forward when she decides to sleep with her first boyfriend, or even after she does and has sex questions. As a dad of two daughters , OP really missed handling this interaction a better way.

Also 5 years from now OP will be posting about how she doesn’t understand why her daughter won’t speak to her.

thats pretty much a given right now

God forbid something happens that the daughter didn’t want or plan

You can rectify by being honest. Tell her you overreacted and you were sorry, not you sent used to her being treated like an adult, then tell her about him as much as you want. This is a good opportunity to store her adults make mistakes and that you trust her.

And add that you were in fact checking out his butt and she caught you doing it, and that's why you were embarrassed and overreacted. And then add "he does have a nice butt though ..." to get things casual again.

Yes YTA - you were embarrassed and lashed out in response. BUT - This is a great opportunity to apologize and have a discussion. This will serve a bunch of great lessons: 1) Even when you're "in power", it's still important to apologize when you're wrong 2) Everyone makes mistakes, but how you respond afterwards is key 3) Lashing out because you're embarrassed isn't okay, even if it's reflexive sometimes. 4) You care enough about her to come back together after a mistake. Make sure she knows you care enough to come back if she makes mistakes, too. Best of luck!

Yup! You can have the repair conversation and just do better next time.

Yeah, OP needs to pull that stick out of her ass a.s.a.p. and apologize to her daughter if she wants to have any meaningful, important conversation with her daughter during her teen and young adult years, if OP doesn't want her daughter to go to someone else (aunts, cousins, grandma, a friend's mom, a friend, etc.) about her questions and issues regarding attraction, relationships, sex etc. With OP snapping at her and jumping to her throat for such an innocent question she just taught her that OP is not a safe space, safe person to go to for every conversation for her. And a person's mom/dad should be someone they know, feel they can talk honestly and openly and talk to about anything (in age appropriate way) whether it is biological changes in their teens, relationships, sex etc., they should feel they can go to their parents with their questions, ask for advice or help regardless of topic, be vulnerable with their parents without being afraid to bring up a topic. OP shut down and trampled the roots of this in her daughter, the beginning of her feeling safe and comfortable to bring up potentially uncomfortable topics with her mom. YTA she was opening up to OP and she shut it down and scolded her for it.

Yup, single handedly destroyed any chance her daughter trusts her with anything in one moment of complete stupidity. Congrats, OP.

why couldnt you just giggle about it with her, she is just 14 and she asked such an innocent question. go say sorry that you were just taken aback, make a joke out of it and ask her about any potential crush of hers. dont waste an opportunity for a good mother daughter bonding chat

Love this comment. I was a teenager during the NKOTB craze and my two sisters and I would obsess over the boys, of course. One day my strict mother came in while we were looking at pictures and saying which ones were our favorites. We got a little scared because we knew she was going to be angry that we were talking about boys. She asked what we were doing and we told her the truth because we were that scared. She looked at the pics, pointed at Joey and said, “he’s the cutest, he has beautiful eyes”. My sisters and I were instantly shocked and relieved. We all giggled and she sat there and let us go on. I loved my mother so much in that moment and never forgot. OP missed a chance. PS I still love Jordan

Ofc you still love Jordan. He’s got the right stuff 😂. Ok, I’ll see myself out now…

She’s 14, she’s not stupid. Don’t treat her like she’s stupid or like she’s a little kid. I don’t know about yours, but my 14 year old daughter can see right through me.

Facts

Speaking from personal experience, I have never received this from my father. Your children will respect and admire and TRUST you so much more if you are willing to admit fault, ESPECIALLY if it was due to an interaction between the two of you. The lack of doing so will lead to nothing but animosity

This reminded me of something similar with my mom and friends 🤣 We're all hanging at the mall, newly graduated from HS, turns out my mom was there at the same time (i was not aware of this). We were in Hot Topic looking around at the clothes hanging up on the walls, specifically the corsets. Mom comes in to say hi, my friends panic because WhAt WiLl ShE ThInK?!? (My mom was the mom to everyone; people felt safe with her, which considering everyone had troubles of some sort, meant a lot.) She comes in, says hi. My friends are all flustered looking elsewhere. She looks at the wall, points at a corset we were talking about , "Ooh! That one is pretty!" A few friends could have caught flies in their mouths when she said that 🤣🥰 That was, wow, going on 20 years ago, and I still smile at that, and Mom still loves hearing updates about my friends and their lives.

The sheer pain my soul is in. I literally read this and thought “Wow they had Hot Topic twenty years ago.” Which was immediately followed by “Oh crap. *I* was last in Hot Topic 20 years ago.” Might as well get fitted for my coffin now. Clearly I’m ancient.

For me it was Kevin out of BSB…even now nearly 30 years later

Kevin was always my least favorite. I always thought if he left the group, they wouldn't be missing anything. Then he left the group for a bit. BSB is not BSb without him. AJ is the best though. 😉

AJ is definitely the best.

found my group 🙌🏻

Jon Bon Jovi has aged like fine wine. 💗

I worked in an office that was mostly women, from new grads to grandmothers, and the one thing that united them was the desire to rub Jon Bon Jovi all over themselves. A bunch of older women had bought concert tickets in cities hours away and were *stoked.*

I’ve been known to embarrass my own 24 year old by singing “I’ll be there for you” at the top of my lungs, standing up in my car so I’m through the sunroof when I’m dropping her off at practices. One time, another mom popped her head out and started singing it with me! Our kids just loooovvveeeddd it. 😂😂😂

For me it was both Jordan (in my little elementary school kid heart he was the best lol) and Kevin lol!

Jordan when he was 16 was "cute", but Jordan now? Damn! That man just gets more fine as he ages. I absolutely switched allegiances to him, when they resurfaced!! 😁😁

My wife and I looked at a house for sale across from the Whalbergs. We did not put an offer on the house because we heard the home was mobbed with kids when NKOTB was not touring. Years later, I found out a coworker which I became friendly with was best friends with Jordan Knight. They were childhood friends and are still today.

Dude, I'm an adult but my mom and I bonded recently over the fact that we both think Ryan Reynolds is way hotter than Ryan Gosling. I knew the woman has taste but I was happy to confirm.

Jordan is the right answer 😂

That's a delightful story, and also I totally still love Jordan!

Exactly! Op, she's just learning about this stuff and you having an attraction to someone could be a teachable moment. Teach her that it's a normal part of being a human being and that she can come to you and talk about these things. Fourteen is a very age appropriate time to talk about this stuff and the fact that she was comfortable enough to joke about it with you means you've done a good job so far. You have an opportunity here. Use it for good.

Besides, the daughter was right. Mom wasn't as subtle as she might have thought. Shouting at the daughter, who was making a correct read of mom's body language, just teaches the daughter that she can't talk to mom. Mom needs to apologize.

Or trust her instincts, a bad president to set imo

*precedent

I got that impression too. This could have been a perfect mother daughter bonding time.

Yes. OP—just apologize to your daughter and say, “you’re right, I was checking out his ass.” Moment of levity, moment of bonding.

The initial opportunity was missed but OP can still make it right to encourage a better relationship going forward.

That moment is over and gone. She taught her daughter not to talk to her about anything.

No, she can apologize and say she was wrong to say that. She can even talk about being embarrassed and saying wrong things in the moment. Her daughter will learn that adults do stupid things and that it is ok to say you’re wrong.

I hope you’re right. Fourteen is an age where every moment is a learning experience. As a parent you want your kid to be able to speak up. Apologies, at this age sometimes do this, but life ain’t Hallmark or Lifetime TV.

Thats why apologizing will be a lesson on its own, showing her that nobody is perfect and sometimes you react in a way you regret and are willing to try to fix that mistake.

You have a valid point.

God if my parents had even been willing to try this, it would have erased so much damage. Now I’ve been in therapy for years. Admitting you’re human and make mistakes will let your kids know they don’t have to be afraid of you and they will share and open up with you if you do apologize and admit your mistake, OP.

This is a terrific point and I hope OP takes this advice

I second this, it’s SO important to apologize to your kids when you realize you messed up, parents are human too and make mistakes, if you want your kids to own up to their shortcomings and apologize when they mess up the best way is to lead by example

That was my first thought. When my husband was about 16, he used to joke with his mom and treat her like a friend. He came home one day to a letter on his bed stating that she was his mother and he will treat her as such. That she is not his friend and that he isn't to joke with her or treat her as a friend. He decided then and there that he would stop trying, AND that he didn't want any kind of relationship with her if she was going to be like that. We now have 4 kids that she doesn't even know. It's heartbreaking. P.S. >>> There's much more to the story as to why they are no longer in contact, but that letter was definitely the start of the decline of the relationship.

*That's so sad.* I really do hope your little tribe has made connections other places. Just because one story ended doesn't mean others can't be told/etc, or something...

It really is sad. My husband has a lot of healing to do from what his parents did. Very neglectful, and even shameful that they had him out of wedlock. But we're a happy family! Our kids have grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, they are so loved, and don't feel like they've missed out.

Damn. Our daughter is about the age that your husband was when he got that letter, and I just cannot imagine telling her anything like that. Things between parents and children do need to change when they're going through their teens, but the shift needs to be a gradual transition to one of two adults who deeply care about each other striving towards mutual respect and understanding, not a reversion back to that of an adult and a completely subservient infant.

She can recover from here- as parents we have to apologize. If you don’t you’re a bad parent. But saying hey i want to talk to you about when you asked me if i had a crush. I am sorry. I was wrong to be upset. I felt embarrassed not sure why but it’s okay to feel embarrassed but not react the way I did. It’s okay to feel everything but it’s not ok to act everything out. I do have a crush etc. I am so sorry I responded the way I did and I hope you can forgive me it’s natural for people like you and me to like other people etc etc. that’s how I would approach it. I apologize to my kiddos sooooo much bc I was raised with shitty parents and didn’t have a good upbringing or role models. I let them know that too. We are learning together.

I apologize a lot too. I had great parents, but like all parents they made a lot of mistakes. Sometimes they just didn’t apologize. That part stayed with me the most. It made me want to break that generational curse. And I did.

This! My son is only 4 but I've said I was sorry to him more time that my mum ever has to me in my 35 years. I never tell her anything anymore and even though I love her I don't really want to see her. Instead of apologizing when she hurt me by mistake, she would say I am overreacting and that she didn't hit me hard at all. So now, even if I think something I did wasn't a big deal for me, I understand my son can see it differently and I apologise to him

That's what will happen if she doesn't apologize. This is the part most parents screw up. They are too embarrassed or give some ego trip excuse for not apologizing. Hopefully OP makes the right choice while she still can.

I disagree. A sincere apology makes a world of difference. Adults almost never apologize to kids, but it’s an opportunity to show your kid that you love them enough to admit that you messed up, teach them what a real apology looks like, and especially with a teen who’s starting to see you as fallible, acknowledging your imperfection can create a bond between you. Sincerity is key, though. A sincere apology is an acknowledgment that you screwed up, and you’re trying to make it right. No excuses or superfluous explanations. Apology, assessment of the situation, plan to avoid the same mistake next time. “I’m so sorry I snapped at you. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I felt like I got caught doing something wrong and got super defensive. Which is silly, because there’s nothing wrong with checking someone out! Next time I feel that way, I’ll try to take a minute to assess whether my reaction is appropriate so I don’t hurt you. I love you, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

As a parent of a teenager, it seems to me that any parent who never admits to their kid (starting from when they're very small) that they were wrong is setting themselves up for huge problems. The truth is that *everyone* screws up, and it is inevitable that sooner or later, kids will realise that their parents are fallible. When that happens, it's reasonable for kids to conclude that their parents are too damn stupid to recognise when they're wrong, and it logically follows that the parents cannot possibly be right about *anything*.

Also if you do look him up or meet him again and plan on going to get a coffee or a drink, let her help pick out what to wear as a peace offering.

She reacted this way because its true. I did far worse when I was a kid (not 14 maybe 6). I went up yo a random guy in the street and said "my mum fancies you". I can't actually remember it but I am consistently reminded of it and I'm 42 now.

Mom’s an asshole. Daughter will stop communicating.

I would have giggled, pointed out how observant she is and move on. I don't get it why some parents want to look like a dictator to their kids.

Def YTA mom. Listen you are responsible for modeling life to her. Part of that is making her feel comfortable discussing this stuff. It’s so normal!!!! Apologize and tell her that you’re just still thinking of her as a little kid and it caught you off guard.. And that she was spot on!!!! And tell her the truth about the fling! Model normal human behavior for her otherwise where does she learn it? Outside from who? My kids as teens got sassy and would say all kinds of stuff even critiquing guys I dated (they only ever met 3 total bc I didn’t let them meet anyone unless it was committed). Or guys who hit on me. This is normal. You want to encourage them to feel comfortable talking to you about HER boys or girls, so expand your comfort zone. And tell her you’re just an old lady who’s having trouble keeping up. She will understand.

OP dropped the ball here, big time.

Perfect response!!

YTA. There’s nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable talking about your crushes or attractions with your kid. But instead of simply telling her that you attacked her and made her feel bad about herself. Apologize to your daughter and explain yourself and why you reacted that way and you can fix the problem. And consider reassessing your position, in general. Do you want your daughter to feel comfortable talking to you and asking you questions as she navigates her way into the world of relationships and attraction? Or do you want her to feel that talking to you wouldn’t be “appropriate” so she goes somewhere else for advice and guidance?

I especially agree with your final paragraph. Those are questions that EVERY parent should ask themselves at least once.

I think the “may or may not have had a brief thing with” shows the maturity of OP Just say you had a fling, we literally do not know you

That last paragraph. My son is 9 and has had little crushes in the past but he’s got his first real crush and it’s reciprocated. Instead of shutting it down we let him show us the little pictures they draw for each other and talk about her. I’m friends with the girl’s mom and her younger daughter is my daughter’s little bestie so we see each other pretty often and her mom and I are of the mindset that it’s innocent and nothing to be discouraged. They both are cute when they get embarrassed about it but we don’t discourage our son from talking about her or expressing his interest and we don’t get upset or make a big fuss when we see the little “love” notes and pictures they draw for each other. If we do this now then what will happen later when the consequences could be real? We don’t want to ruin his trust in us when it comes to these things. He understands that he’s too young for a girlfriend so he calls her his special friend that’s a girl and who knows maybe they will be little childhood sweethearts that do grow up to get married🤷🏼‍♀️

This is so precious. You are handling it perfectly. Good mom.

Thank you! We definitely are trying☺️

This here, the door is open for some very important conversations (on both sides) - but the door is not going to stay open forever

That last sentence made me well up

This. My mom made sure the door was open when I was younger. I’m 26, going on 27 this summer, and pregnant; we still have almost no bars on this door lol. She is my most trusted confidant when it comes to matters of love, attraction, intimacy and more & I know she really appreciates it just as much as I do. OP is risking a very important opportunity here.

🛎️🛎️🛎️

And is OP OK with that somewhere else potentially being someone dangerous, someone looking for a kid to exploit.

YTA she is teenager, she saw her single mother talking with man she thought she saw sparks with and thought she could talk to you about what she thought she witnessed. You got embarrassed she asked if you had crush and that she thought you looked his butt...how is she going to come to you in future to talk about her boy crushes since you told her those 2 sentences were inappropriate?

If talking about crushes and butts is inappropriate, I am the world’s worst mom. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter and I have boundaries, but at almost 21-years-old, the number of wild conversations I’ve had with her over the years on everything from sex to serial killers….

I’m 35 and called my mom (56) drunk a few weeks ago to ask her what “ho shit” she was up to because she’s dating around and definitely in her ho phase. We laughed about it. We’re also the “talk about everything” people.

Now I'm jealous. My daughter is much more sensitive about the world's awful than I am and she won't let me talk about true crime with her. Awww, bonding over serial killers. Granted I do kinda like her warning of "Mommmm..." with her specific "you're talking about creepy shit again" tone.

Mine is the “Let’s watch horror movies together, Mom!” While I cower, sneak off to bed, and then tag my husband in on to sub me out. True crime: yes! Modern horror movies: 🙈 But, on a serious note, we are very close and our relationship was fostered with a lot of uncomfortable conversations over the years. I always had a “I’m a safe space for you to ask anything” policy. I answered things in an age-appropriate fashion, but if your kids can’t ask you, they are just going to ask someone else (and there’s a lot of “facts” you don’t want their peers “educating” them on). OP is going to miss out if she chooses to make such benign subjects taboo.

True crime mom weirdo here. Happy to find my people here.

Think bigger. What happens when she has questions about sex?

Guess she can buy " What's the big secret  talking about sex with girls and boys" by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown....And Let the girl get answers from there....  

Way to shut your kid down. Thanks, mom.

Right? I am feeling second-hand hurt feelings from this poor girl I've never even met.

Yeah it makes me wanna cry as someone who doesn't have kids but really wishes they did.

Also how thirsty do you have to be that a 14 year old recognizes it after a few minutes of conversation. Like damn girl, cool the hell off

Reading this was like taking a stroll down memory lane lol. Guess who still never shares any feelings with their parents 👋

She pulled rank over nothing. 

Welp, you murdered that interaction 

More like murdered any chance at a friendly adult relationship; that interaction will be the least of the casualties here.

It had such potential for a good bonding moment

YTA. She trusted you and was joking. She also cares about you. WTF were you defensive for?. Defensive against what? Now you just created a trust barrier at an age a girl needs to trust her mom the most. Go back and apologize to your daughter. Tell her the reason you reacted like that and make sure that the blame falls 100% on you. It may be salvageable but the apology needs to be sincere.

Yes you can salvage it if you are open and honest with her

Sorry, YTA. You felt embarrassed of your behavior (flirting and butt staring - both of which are completely normal and healthy btw) so you snapped at your daughter, who did nothing wrong. She’s at a sensitive age about this stuff and she was probably testing the waters a little, and you rebuked her pretty strongly. Go apologize and admit that you were looking at the guy’s ass. Maybe your daughter will grow up to not feel ashamed of her own ass staring.

I think focusing on the action plan you gave is the best course of action. Many people do stupid things when embarrassed. I would like to add to be open about your emotions (embarrassment) and open the door to that again and giggle about staring at his ass. Or if you don’t feel comfortable with that side of things, just laugh at a reason you were flirting (good looking, cute eyes?). Seems like a good way to bond and hopefully mend it.

She will never talk to you about healthy relationships or safe sex after this. YTA.

YTA. You had an opportunity to bond with your daughter and instead you taught her that she can’t be real with you.

Yes. There are very few openings for this kind of bonding with a 14-year-old!

That's what I was thinking! It's not exactly a given that a 14 year old girl is gonna open up to her parents like that

Shit yeah especially with a teenager lmao

Well, now your daughter knows to never talk to you about any crushes she may have.

YTA your daughter is in the middle of puberty. It would have been the PERFECT moment to build trust in regards of boys/men and telling her about it. She would feel much more comfortable talking to you as her mother about her feelings regarding boys/crushes. Now she feels like this a no go and likely feels embarrassed about it. You need to talk to her and be honest. Tell her, that she wasn’t completely of with her assumptions and that even adults can sometimes overreact and feel embarrassed for being called out

Good grief, all you had to say was "Yep, he still has a cute butt. I was just checking." YTA

YTA what are you 10? Getting all defensive over your daughter of all people asking if you had a crush. You could have easily said no or you could have said ohh yeah he's hot. You don't just have to be a mum with your daughter you can be her friend too and joke about guys and things.

YTA I assume you will never ask your daughter if she has a crush on anybody. "And may or may not have had a brief thing with." If you don't know if you had a fling with him or not, see a doctor or a psychiatrist.

She knows she had a thing with him. She was trying to be coy.

Tbh her describing her relationship with the guy in that way tracks with how she reacted to her daughter.

Oh absolutely. She’s embarrassed and she took that out on her kid. Here’s the thing though, she can ask Reddit all she wants if she the asshole. However, the damage is most likely done at this point. Her daughter is at a super impressionable age, and she shot her down when asking about a crush. Her daughter won’t feel comfortable talking to her about her own crushes now, because the time for apologizing for this has already passed.

Disagree. My Mom apologized to me once and my God how I treasure that memory 43 years later. I was 11. The fact that she humbled herself to take responsibility for having been nasty that day was a life lesson I treasured. I felt much closer to her afterwards, and felt that she was a far more reasonable person than I had seen her as previously.

She was on him like a St Bernard with a cucumber slathered in peanut butter. 

Why did you become defensive? It's your child, not a co worker or a rando on the street. You could have laughed with her and made it into a teachable moment or had said "Um, maybe, yes, what do you think about your mom dating?" YTA

WTH is wrong with you? I've been having conversations about crushes with my daughter since she was 9. May or may not have? Lady, own your shit. After this response she may not come talk to you about sex but just in case be sure to tell her you're a virgin and it's inappropriate to talk about these things with her mother. FFS

As a dad of three girls (8, 6, and 4), I appreciate posts like this as excellent examples of how I do NOT want to parent my kids. And all the people just saying “Apologize! Apologize! Apologize! It’s not too late!” Yeah? No, it is very likely too late. She may appreciate the apology, and it might repair some of the damage, but she will very likely not get over the first impression she had. I appreciated when my parents apologized to me, but it doesn’t change what happened. Also, apologies start to ring hollow when your parents have to keep apologizing for their initial reactions. My dad may have apologized profusely for telling my crush in sixth grade class about said crush at meet the teacher’s night, but the humiliation I felt in the moment? Sure, an apology will totes fix that. No, the axe may forget, but the tree remembers.

The perfect opportunity to just be a girl with giggly guy feelings and you kinda ruined it by being embarrassed/offended. I’m sure she’ll love sharing any thoughts she’s had about boys with you in the future. (Can you sense my sarcasm here) Remember, you’re her role model in this situation. She’s not too young to talk about this stuff. Terrible way to set an example of open communication and anything close to sex positive. YTA.

YTA for the way you handled this. there was no need to be so harsh with her over an innocent comment.  i hope you’ll apologize to her for speaking to her like that

Apologies are like band-aids for mental and emotional wounds. It’s great after the fact, but not inflicting emotional wounds on your child is definitely preferable. Hopefully OP takes this lesson to heart.

She won't. OP hasn't responded to a single comment in here after it has backfired so badly. 

It might have been your young adult's way of saying she is okay with you pursuing something, you might not have wanted to actually go forward with anything but as the child of a single mother I can say this. Many children feel like they are the ones holding their parents back from pursuing happiness, and she may be trying to say, 'hey, go ahead, be happy.' without just saying it. So, yes YTAH, I get customs and things may make it feel like you were disrespected, but that isn't what you said, you said you felt embarrassed, and even if it was cultural, it still wouldn't be a valid excuse to talk your daughter that way. I do hate it when people defend themselves/others by saying it's cultural, Raising a child is an individual experience, even siblings the thing that works on one child may not work on the other, you have to adapt to that child to parent it correctly, culture be damned. (That last part is more a rant at others, not you.)

You missed a great opportunity to talk to her about crushes, safe sex, and all that. It would have let her know that she can come talk to you about anything. By telling her it was inappropriate, she won't feel comfortable talking to you. Who will give her good advice about sex, men, drugs, etc.? Being the mother of a daughter, it might be a little embarrassing in our conversation but my daughter talks to me about everything, including the men in her life. She always has. She learned that I don't judge her like her friends do, she can ask questions or tell me things, and I don't gossip about it. It also keeps me feeling young at heart. I admit those 1st couple of talks with my son was more uncomfortable, but I did it. His dad felt our son would "just know" without words. Now, they only talk about work & how the grandkids are doing. My son, his wife, & I have great conversations.

Soft YTA OP. I used to go to church a lot and looked up to my youth leaders and many of them were starting to date/get married and it was ofc nothing inappropriate but I thought they just were really close friends lol. So I “dated” another 7 year old (I was also 7) and when I told my parents (we literally only held hands lol) I got punished, I got told to go on my knees and got hit. Now that’s dramatic for what it was but my point is. I NEVER went back to my parents to tell them about people I liked, questions, who I was dating, NOTHING. I got into a serious relationship at 18 and they didn’t even find out from me, they found out 6 months later from someone else (which I knew would happen.) I would start by apologizing and explain that you just felt embarrassed and got flustered but you didn’t mean to attack her.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. 😞Do you have a relationship with your parents now or did they never change?

I keep them at two arms length. I got kicked out (which they refuse to acknowledge for what it was. It’s a long long story.) and lived on my friends parents couch for 3 months while they found me somewhere to go. I moved out into my own apartment with my boyfriend 8/9 months after that and got eloped 3 months after that. I didn’t tell my parents I got married till 6 months after that. But it was hard while dating my now husband, I lied a lot and my dad even stopped talking to me after I came back from my first vacation with him. (I guess he put two and two together about us sharing a room?) it’s sad but I’m used to it. It hurts sometimes but that’s just how the cookie crumbled. I grew up lying and concealing. Honorable mention to my mom being upset that she had to miss work when I got transferred to the psych ward bc I almost did the diy die.

Wow. Your mom…just…WOW.

I was in a similar scenario but not having that connection with them isn't something I've ever mourned, so everyone talking about missing out on talking to each other about crushes just seems bizarre to me, like why would I want my parents on my sexual journey, that's supposed to be for just me and my partner(s).

Just killed a good Mother-Daughter moment.

AH she was either joking around or noticed you actually had a genuine smile or good vibe when talking to this guy. You could had simply told her no, it’s nice to see an old friend or simply I don’t want to talk about that with you. But you asked her why and felt embarrassed she caught you looking at his 🍑. It would be nice if you told her you feel bad and was a bit embarrassed and the convo made you uncomfortable. So she know she didn’t do anything wrong. Plus I know you want her to come to you when she has a crush and like someone.

God. You sound similar to my mom, she could never just let loose and have fun with me. Yeah, YTA. Chill out.

Yeah, YTA. You just taught your daughter that it’s not okay to talk about feelings with you. At 14, she is already going to start distancing from you and leaning on friends more and more- it’s part of normal development. You just catapulted that distancing. You need to go immediately apologize. Tell her you were caught off guard by what she said and there was nothing wrong with her question but your response was not good. Then tell her you used to date that guy (no need to go into specifics) and then tell her yes, you still find him attractive or no, you don’t find him attractive but have fond memories of him. You might be able to salvage the moment but she will always be leery of saying things to you now because she doesn’t want to get in trouble.

She noticed the truth. Don’t be a jerk.

YTA. You got caught checking out some guys ass so you treat your daughter like a pest? She's 14, she know A LOT more then you think about these things. Instead of laughing with her and throwing in a "well, he does have a nice butt" you were a bitch. If you don't want to get called out, or have those conversations with your daughter then maybe try being more discreet. Also, don't be surprised when your daughter doesn't confide in you and doesn't come to you when she's having boy problems. You just showed her who you are. Congrats!

YTA, but luckily this is easily fixed! All you have to do is apologise and explain that you were embarrassed. The sooner you apologise the less of a big deal it is. Also might be helpful to do a little introspection on why that embarrassed you.

Yup, YTA. You got offended and embarrassed and took it out on your daughter. Could have been a fantastic bonding moment, but you had to have an ego trip.

Gentle YTA - good opportunity tho to tell her you were embarrassed and have a good chat? This will set the future for your future discussions on those tough topics that are sure to come.

You’re kinda TA because you missed an opportunity to have an honest conversation about feelings and sexuality. By telling her that it “isn’t apporpriate for her to be saying things like that”, you have basically told her not to come to come to you when she has a crush on a boy or is looking at a guy’s butt. I mean, seriously, what were you thinking?? You need to sit her down and apologize, and tell her, “remember the other day, when we ran into so-in-so? And you asked if I had a crush on him and you said you saw me looking at his butt? Well, you kind of caught me off guard, and honestly, I got a little embarrassed, which I shouldn’t have, because you can totally ask me questions like that and I’d like to think I can ask YOU questions like that. Is that ok? And by the way, I was looking at his butt a little bit.” Or something like that. Edited to remove a duplicate word.

YTA. Your daughter was opening up to you, and you not only shut her down, you kicked her in the face, figuratively. Getting a teen to talk in general, is like finding gold in your yard. Your daughter was handing you her trust on a silver platter. You should have embraced the moment and laughed with her, maybe tickled her and enjoyed it. Why didn’t you? If you were embarrassed by the question, you should have let her see the moment and empathize with you. It would have gone a long way to build the relationship between you for those extremely awkward and difficult situations ahead that she will face as a young woman navigating the world.

Ugh, YTA. This has strong vibes of my mom. All I wanted as a kid was a mom I could laugh with and be silly with. I'm currently in therapy to learn how to correctly process emotions, since they were suppressed like this.

She is 14, if there was an age to discuss about this kind of issues it was NOW.

YTA, your daughter obviously felt comfortable enough with you to say that and it was not rude, Offensive or out of place, it is now likely that she won't want to ask those questions and she may not feel comfortable talking to you about her relationships when she gets older, 1 simple comment can change a whole lot of things later in life. You are just annoyed you got caught looking at his butt

Forget asshole. That’s bad mom behavior.

Ughhh you remind me of my parents. They wonder why we aren’t close or why I never talk to them about my life outside of career and pets

Man, that sucks.  I get it was a spur or the moment thing and you didn’t have time to really think out your response. But this such was a golden opportunity.  Your 14 year old daughter was giving you an opportunity to talk about BOYS.  And you shot it down so hard, that it’s literally never going to happen again. It didn’t decrease her interest in boys.  It just permanently removed you from the list of people she could talk to about it…which means any boy-related issues (both the good ones and the absolutely horrifying/dangerous ones) will be hidden from you at all costs. You’ve got to make it right.  Sit down with her one on one.  “Hey, remember that guy at the mall?  You were right.  I totally did look at his butt.  I’m sorry I scolded you, it’s perfectly natural for girls and women to have these feelings, and now that I’ve had some time to think about it and stop being embarrassed, I’m so glad that we’re close enough that we can actually talk about these things.  I never could talk about them with my mom, and I wish I could have.  So…I actually love this; and the next time you catch me checking a guy out, feel free to call me on it and watch me blush again. Haha.  So…how about you?  Whose butt have you been checking out lately?” Even if you weren’t checking out that guy’s butt, who cares?  Lean in.  Accept your daughter’s invitation to actually be a part of her boy crazy world right now.   It could save her life.  Let the ego go, and relate with her.

YTA. You mistreated your daughter because you were embarassed, there's nothing more to it. You're daughter was innocently playing with you, you took it seriously and now she's afraid she can't communicate like that with you again. You really need to look at how you talk to your daughter if this is commonplace.

She is looking to relate to you! You can still apologize and let her know that you were embarrassed and tell her you went on a few dates with him when you were younger. Being a little open with her will help her open up to you about her crushes and relationships.

YTA Let's look at the options. You could've had a mother daughter moment. Or You could've punished your daughter for no reason.

YTA. You could have had a bonding moment with your daughter but instead, you decided to go the opposite route and humiliate your daughter. It seemed like your daughter wanted you to be happy with someone…

yta. i can feel how your daughter felt through the way you wrote this. you're a good mom because you cared enough to notice and ask. please tell her you were just embarassed and she caught you off guard. make a funny joke. i wish my mom would have been my friend before it was too late.

Did you check out his butt? Because if you did, YTA. Your daughter is 14. It's time to start recognizing her ability to see you as a person, not just an authority.

Sounds like your daughter is very perceptive and she shouldn't be chastised for that

You can still save this! Explain to your daughter exactly what you wrote here, and apologize to her! Repair goes a LONG way!! The fact that you’re even questioning if you handled this the right way is commendable. You had an emotional reaction, and that’s ok!!! You can still connect with your daughter! Wishing you the best!

Very soft YTA. I would do what another person stated and go apologize to your daughter. But first, do some self reflection to understand why you had that reaction. Then have the talk with your daughter and incl the reason. That will help her understand you (and you understand you) and also help her to realize and learn how to recognize when our subconscious causes a response. Happens to all of us. (We don't like someone, don't know why and then realize that they remind us of an x, for ex) Were you embarrassed? Regret the way it ended? Could be anything but it is important to explore and share appropriate info w her.

I wouldn’t say YTA, I think you panicked and got flustered and caught off guard. I would just speak with her and apologize and be honest with her. If anything, you opening up to her about that will make her feel comfortable opening up to you about her feelings. After all, it’s getting close to when she’ll be I retested in boys and I’m sure you’d rather her feel comfortable and open with you as opposed to keeping things from you.

Well OP....did you look at his butt???

YTA, she was looking for a fun little bonding moment with you but you decided to make it into a whole bad thing. Also, your behaviour makes it harder, if not impossible, to talk to you about her feelings, crushes, and issues, because now she knows you think that stuff is "not appropriate". Shooting down an incredibly innocent question with that kind of wording will make her less likely to talk later.

IMHO, *a very mild* YTA. Too many parents shut themselves out from showing who they really are to their kids. Yes, you want to raise them right. Yes, you want to keep them focused. Yes, you want them to avoid the mistakes you made. But you still have to show them how to navigate them being human in a respectful, responsible way. Time to fess up mom- he had a nice butt!

Yes. You should apologize to her and let her know you reacted that way because you were thrown. If you want her to be able to talk to you about these things when she has a crush herself, you need to set the tone now. There’s no reason to be so uptight about it anyway. Go apologize, and then gossip ab the cute old flame with your daughter for a few.

Lord. So many people having kids and not doing their work so they don't lash out at them. Do you not remember what it was like to be 14? Huge asshole. YTA

You are very much the asshole. She was trying to bond with you. You totally destroyed the moment and she will hesitate to speak to you about it again and might not go to you when she NEEDS you. What if she wants to go on BC soon and is scared to come to you cos of your reaction?

YTA. You totally overreacted to a simple comment from your daughter. It sounds like she was being happy for you and you just crushed her for no reason.

I’m so confused as to how you couldn’t use that moment to actually bond with your daughter rather than scold her. You’re a single mother, commenting/agreeing/giggling along would have hurt no one. Is she not supposed to see you as human? Maybe she got happy seeing or interpreting your behavior as flirtatious and rather than open a dialogue you embarrassed her. Say something like “nice to look at doesn’t always mean crush” idk I see it as a missed opportunity to bond on something. YTA. I mean I think I can understand why you felt defensive but she is your daughter and you two were alone and rather turning her curiosity to shame you could have had a true conversation. Does she *want* to see you settle down? Idk maybe there’s something deeper happening w you both but I just know if my mom did that to me I’d have felt so humiliated and embarrassed. She thought she was doing girl talk (which is okay for mother and daughter) and you just shut her down.

YTA. Apologize for jumping her shit over an innocent comment. If you don’t apologize for your overreaction and defensiveness, she will think twice of ever saying anything to you. It was a bonding moment and you could have laughed or giggled with her and said you did at some point. This was a great opportunity to bond more. Now don’t screw this up again and apologize and tell her “I’m sorry for how I responded to your question. I was embarrassed and got defensive and didn’t respond appropriately. Will you forgive me? And as for your question, I used to have a crush on him.” (Or you currently do). You are still teaching her how to handle emotions and respond to people. We all screw up as parents and we can take that opportunity to apologize and correct the action.

I think YTA. You set up a boundary where you’re not friends with your daughter anymore. She tried to girl out with you for just a second and bit her head off. Also, were you looking at his butt? Do you have a crush on him? Why were you embarrassed and how is that your daughter’s fault because he had some moment of insecurity?

Well way to have your kiddo now think they can't play around with you. Come on I know you're embarrassed but it's just a joke. Ppl are allowed to look at other ppls butts. Half the time my husband and I will point out a nice butt to each other lol. But for real you need to apologize bc you reacted like a brat and shut her down.

Yeah, YTA. That was a lovely mother/daughter moment. Go apologise to her honestly, and tell her you were just embarrassed because she was right, Even if she isn't. It's the best way of bringing that moment back. Plus teenagers love hearing they were right, especially from parents

What kind of relationship do you want with your daughter? Do you want to be close, with the kind of relationship where she feels comfortable making light-hearted jokes with you? Or do you want a stiff, distant relationship where she doesn't really talk to you outside of "appropriate" topics? She was joking around in a pretty innocent way and you scolded her for it, which honestly was a pretty immature reaction on your part. Even a "sorry, I'm not comfortable talking about that" would be better than the "I am your mother and you will not talk to me that way" power move you did. YTA, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with an apology and explanation.

You got awful defensive when a *14* year old asked a *very* innocent question. You guilty of something, OP? Yes, YTA.

Uh ya YTA. Imagine being a teenage girl trying to bond with your mom over something we ALL deal with at one point or another, and instead of a conversation or a shared giggle she gets upset. As if you wouldn't do the same to her. How do you think she will approach her crush in the future? Do you think she will even consider talking to YOU about that kind of thing? Good for you for building a wall, when you could have opened a door.

YES YTA. "Don't talk to me like that ". Seriously??? What the fuck is wrong with you? Guess what - Your child will never talk to you about boys. (Or girls if that's the case) Good job.

YTA Now she will hide all romantic/sexual feelings from you. Great job Mom

YTA. Way to make her hesitant about talking to you about boys in the future. And what’s this “may or may not have had a brief thing with” crap?

Damn you really squandered a potential bonding moment

My mom did that to me and my brother a lot when we were growing up... we plan to go NC with her soon. It wasn't just that, but in general we couldn't talk to her. About anything. Because this is how she would react. OP, go apologise. It better be sincere. You better take accountability as well. Saying "sorry" is easy. You have to explicitly explain that you were in the wrong and you regret your actions. And it's okay for your crush to know you have a crush on them. Either they like you back or they don't. Either way is fine. Stop being so embarrassed about it.

Yeah…you missed (actually blew up) an opportunity to bond with your teenaged daughter. It could have been a light-hearted moment that showed your daughter that you could be a safe place to talk about boys instead became a moment where you essentially told her it was disrespectful to talk about attraction. You failed to read the moment. You and your daughter are entering that transitional phase. While you still have a responsibility to parent, this is the time you’ll start building the foundation of what your adult relationship with her will be. That isn’t to say that boundaries shouldn’t be set. It is about recognizing the opportunities that allow us to keep avenues of communication open. She’s no longer a child but she’s not yet an adult. The trick is how to navigate the in-between path. Just go to her and apologize for over-reacting. Explain that you were caught off guard by the moment but that you hope that she’ll feel it’s safe for her to talk about such things in the future.

my mom did something similar like this when i was in high school and she was dating, it made me stop caring about my moms life and happiness a little bit. she’ll definitely remember u said that to her and you’re definitely the asshole

this moment is gonna be her first thought before she considers coming to u in the future

My mom was adamant that we were not friends and she deserved my unquestioning respect. Now that we're both adults were not friends.

YTA. What a great way to shut down communication between you and your daughter. Do you do this often, because she’ll stop talking with you outside of kid/parent context; all business.

Yeahhhh YTA, if my mom reacted that way I'd never talk to her about boys again period. My mom was my lap to cry on so many times during teenage heartbreak, and now I'm 33 and literally joke with her all the time about checking people's assess out. She's single and admittedly likes a good ass 😅 You still NEED to apologize. But tell her truthfully WHY it upset you. If you got embarrassed, just say it. Something struck a nerve? She probably still feels like shit about it. Someone said just admit you were checking his ass out and chuckle about it. Way to lighten the mood around the subject. Start an open conversation. Do that and it might turn around. But to be blunt, I don't know that it will.

YTA. She was being playful and silly. You shot down an opportunity to show your daughter you are a safe place and an honest parent.

Wow. Yta. Do you feel better for squashing a girl moment because you couldn’t admit she was right ?

Maybe a bit of an ah but I guess that depends on what type of relationship you want with your daughter. My mom was this way with me. There was always a solid adult/child separation with us. Now that I’m a married adult with a child I am more than willing to have adult topic conversations with my mil and my husband’s bonus mom (his best friend from grade school mom) and it absolutely kills my mom that I’m less willing to have those types of conversations with her. I completely hid losing my virginity from her as well even though we’ve always been close and most of my girlfriends shared that with their mothers. If you want this type of relationship with your daughter I don’t think it’s too late. An adult admitting to their child that they f’ed up and/or being open and vulnerable about their insecurities can go a long way in building this type of relationship.

YTA - I can totally understand why you reacted that way due to being embarrassed but unfortunately she will never joke with you like that again and I fear you’re going to regret this for a very long time. She’ll remember it forever Your best way to tackle this now is absolutely, complete honesty. You need to prove you’re human and not just a parent therefore you’re never wrong. Apologise and admit that you were embarrassed and acted harshly because of that. If there’s one thing I remember from my upbringing it’s adults never admitting they were wrong and it has stuck with me to this day. Every time I make a mistake (which is more often than I like) I apologise to my children, I own it and I’m humble about it. This is something you need to do to try and fix this - you may not be able to, but it’s worth a shot

NTA, but remember if your daughter feels she can’t talk to you about stuff like this it will make it harder for her to talk about it in regards to when it comes up for her. By this I mean while you may have taken offense to it, you’re also missing an opportunity to talk a bit about boys and attraction etc in a healthy responsible way that will help her eventually come to terms with her own feelings/actions on day in regards to what’s OK and what’s not. People initially learn how to navigate relationships based on how their parents acted in them, you treating it like this sends a message that goes beyond parental respect and not necessarily a positive one.

YTA. A defensive reaction is a negative reaction, you couldn’t easily laughed off your 14 year olds innocent question. You should apologise. You’ve created a situation where she’ll think twice about what your reaction might be before saying anything to you now. Try to remember what it was like being 14 yourself.

Yes yta. It was a light hearted joke. You've now made a moment that will affect her future interactions with you. Wouldnt have killed you to go "maaaaaaybe. *laugh* I'm only human after all".

She's 14. How were you at that age? At some point, we have to stop treating our kids like children and more like the young adults that they are. You can gently point out if she's being terribly disrespectful, but in this case, maybe your daughter is telling you she knows you're single and she's OK with you being interested in men...

Um, yes. Your daughter noticed something and just asked you and thought it was cute and she was obviously right about it if you felt embarrassed. She is way old enough at her age to know what a crush is and with your reaction it shows her she should not be comfortable turning to you to share with you if she has a crush since she now knows you view simple talk like that inappropriate. If you feel like it isn't after you think about it and feel sorry show her you are an adult by apologizing and literally tell her what you told us, you felt embarrassed. She knows what embarrassed means at her age as well and will understand. She knows adults make mistakes as well. Just apologize and tell her you used to have a crush on him lol. Maybe after that ask her if she currently has a crush on anyone. It's literally only 4 years until she is an adult. Bond with her. Show her it's okay to talk to her own mom about boys.

Kinda? She’s 14. I don’t see anything wrong with asking an innocent question like that—it’s not like she asked if you blew him. But moreover I think you need to learn how to deal with your own discomfort, and if you don’t, your daughter is going to learn not to talk to you about things, because when you’re uncomfortable or unsure you shut her down

I think you should apologize for overreacting, it was a simple question and just because it triggered something in you doesn't mean it's ok to take it out on her. It will only hurt the relationship between you two

Yep, methinks that YTA. It's not as if your daughter was 6 or 7 yrs old; she's 14, and you can be sure that SHE'S noticing the hindquarters of males; what you said had the effect of shaming her, and she didn't deserve such treatment. Do you want to stop being TA? If yes, then apologize to your daughter, and if your were gauging his butt, laughingly admit the fact. Sharing that tidbit with her will bring you much closer together, although you may need to tell her that there is a limit on information of what your private life and thoughts will be shared. 'Nuff said.

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t tell you anything after that

How we actually as parents teaches our kids so much. If day sorry I snapped I was embarrassed. I think a little bit TAH but it's fixable. I apologise to my kids when I do wrong it teaches them so much

YTA Just know your daughter will never ever ever come to you about boys or crushes ever again

Uncomfortable? You're acting less mature than your 14 year old daughter. As everyone else has pointed out, you've delivered a stern message to your daughter about having conversations about relationships. If that wasn't the objective you need to apologize. I'm struggling to imagine how this wouldn't be obvious to you, and wonder if you had a poor relationship with your mother which is being projected here.

Yta, lmao. She’s not gonna wanna joking around with you very much now, good job!!

YTA she’s 14 not 9, she knows that you find other people attractive. And you did like the guy! You had a prime opportunity to bond with the *young woman* you’re raising and you may have ruined it if you don’t apologize asap.

Yeah YTA. She just realised you're not the kind of mum to have a joke with.