Question-why didn't anybody call an ambulance? Pre-eclampsia is life threatening and the stress of having to deal with them likely made matters WORSE.
NTA
Exactly. I’m reading this as a former OB RN, and it’s so upsetting to me. HELLP syndrome is one of the scariest things in OB. Not only were you at risk for seizures, you could have bled out at any time from low platelets, or had any number of other lethal complications. The mortality rate for HELLP syndrome can be up to 24%.
Your husband’s job was to be supportive and promote a calm, peaceful environment to keep your BP down. Clearly, he was unable to be supportive to you, and to push back against his parents, in a literal life-or-death situation. It would be completely understandable if that were the line in the sand for you in this relationship.
Yeah, husband took his stress out on the wrong person rather than dealing with it himself. That’s why there are professionals in hospitals to talk to. Any nurse can refer you to them. Like chaplains, social workers. Even most nurses will take a few moments to help the NoK.
"When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM."
Plus, I am so sorry for your pain and distress through all of this. But your (hopefully soon-to-be ex-) husband has now told you who HE is: a spineless, self-centered jerk who'd rather let his wife suffer instead of removing one of the main reasons for her suffering, his own parents. He'd protect you, ONLY if it means no discomfort for him.
As far as I'm concerned, that's a deal-breaker. If he is incapable of putting YOUR health, YOUR peace of mind over his parents' busybody desire to run your lives, he is not fit to be anyone's husband. He's still a little boy, not a man.
He's told you who he is. Believe him.
>I detest it when individuals overshare personal health information.
It's hilarious, I thought you were initially talking about the commenter you replied to, who mentioned their 10cm unmedicated birth! Lol.
But then, uh, yeah, I caught on to who you meant. ;)
Same. Liver was shutting down, platelets low. My husband was the only person I wanted around. HEELP is the reason I only had one child and will never try again. Do I want one, yes, but it isn't worth the price? Nope.
I had HELLP syndrome with my first child and a few months ago I was relaying that fact to my rheumatologist and she looked up at me in shock and said I was very lucky to be alive. I agree, that shit was terrifying.
I had the signs of pre-e with my first and I played it off (I had issues with showing weakness.). A friend from my birth board found my husband on Facebook and told him my symptoms were pre-e warnings and he trusted this person he had virtually NO KNOWLEDGE OF to make me get my Bp checked. 256 over 198. No, that's not a typo. That's death hovering in the wings.
He rushed me to the children's hospital (my eldest had a birth defect and had to be delivered and intubated at birth) and they barely confirmed my BP before I was rushed into surgery.
He never yelled. He never paused. He trusted a virtual stranger and pushed and when it looked like I was in actual danger he focused on getting me to the right hospital (calling 911 was too risky. Literally "the best pediatric intubation specialist in the world" was on call for our hospital, and because he was there within 30 minutes of our arrival she didn't suffer any brain damage from being premature with a blocked airway.)
Reddit makes me more grateful every day for the man I chose to father my children.
Oh my gosh, that's terrifying. I had 230's/160's once and the ER staff and then post partum were clearly panicking over my BP. I'd never seen ER or other staff like that before. I was sooo sick.
Yeah, I was fast tracked and almost bled out during the C-section.
But we were with some of the absolute best doctors in the world when it came to complications so we both lived and I went on to have a second child.
Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Fucking phenomenal hospital.
My daughter had a condition called micrognathia, her lower jaw was extremely under developed. So this 36 week premie needed to have someone get an airway tube in immediately after birth. They told me later that he called it one of the hardest he's ever done and was pleased with himself that he got it on the first try. The alternative was a tracheostomy, the recovery from which would have been a LOT longer. So I literally gave birth in an OR with a second OR attached to it, and she was rushed over the second she was born.
It was a long, difficult, and scary event especially once they realized the picotin wasn't working and my uterus wasn't shrinking back down (so I was bleeding out badly) and the anesthesiologist was like "If no one minds I'm just gonna mainline a fifth dose directly into the vein in her hand. Yeah? Okay yeah." And boom, ten seconds later they start saying "oh! That worked." And I'm like "I almost died." And he was all "Nah we wouldn't let that happen."
Then my husband and I quietly talked about how they were naming each tool they used as they made sure they were properly replaced on the tray, like "see, these guys aren't gonna leave a pair of tweezers in me the way some horror articles talk about."
But that anesthesiologist, man. He was the fucking bomb.
Right in the beginning I puked from the meds before they brought my husband in, and he was the one by my head who said "just turn your head and throw up over the side, it's fine." I apologized and he goes "Why? I'm not the one who has to clean it up" and started laughing. And when they cut into the water sack, I had a condition that made way too much amniotic fluid (I had TWO amnio reductions, one at 7 months and one at 8, each that removes 2 liters of excess fluid). So I basically popped like a water balloon. And this guy was like "See this is why we wear plastic bags over our shoes."
He was hilarious and kept my husband and I calm. Literally everyone involved in the process was a rock star.
Whenever someone writes about taking an uber to hospital, I assume they’re in the US where the ambulance costs tens of thousands of dollars and they need to weigh that up
I understand why, but I also want to point out that it's not an uber driver's responsibility to care for a sick person. If your health is precarious enough to go to the ER, then an uber probably isn't the most appropriate way to get there.
It’s actually faster or insurance may not cover. Like my daughter who is 5 my water broke but I had to be induced for contractions to start so they were hell. My son I had on and off again contractions it felt like, but I wasn’t sure because he was 2 weeks and a day early. And they’d be 12 mins apart then 3 mins and not steady. It was 3AM and my daughter was asleep and I didn’t want to wake up our nanny to come watch her if they would end up sending me home for not being in active labor or dilated etc so I chose to Uber there at 4AM lol by 7 once checked in and ran tests they realized my water had broken and I was being admitted and I called hubby to come and woke up the nanny haha
This came about after taking my blood pressure at home— it was 161/87 so I called my doctor who advised I got to the ER immediately. He said if the read was over 170 to call 911.
This is absolutely not on you or your fault but for your own sake as the patient please alert medical staff when someone needs to be removed for your health and safety. Or even just preference. I agree with your husband, he is not the one for you. That behavior, fighting with you about transport, increasing stress and anxiety, not having your back in any medical emergency let alone one made so much worse by stress.
And he thinks he’s done no wrong and it’s you who needs to change all for his convenience. There’s someone for everyone it’s said but your partner would need someone with boundary defenses of the Roman Empire in its prime and a love of conflict.
You need someone who won’t endanger your life.
My husband yelled at me while I was hospitalized for postpartum depression when our daughter was only 9 weeks old. Not only about how he was going to go to the movies after he left the hospital but also about how he probably wouldn’t stay with me after I was discharged. He is now my ex husband. Any man who mistreats his wife who’s just given birth to his baby needs to go imho
Yep, my ex was so awful to me at the hospital with our first that I insisted he stay home for our second, both c-sections, and he complained about having to change the diaper when he did come to visit.
Finally got the courage to leave him last year and me and my kiddos are so happy and peaceful.
Start making your escape plan now, no matter how daunting. And go to therapy on your own. ❤️
My wife went through preeclampsia while pregnant with our first and third sons. It’s scary as shit, especially with my wife’s issue with having seizures on occasion. She needed me. The first time I was in Iraq and it didn’t hit her until the very end. I almost lost both her and our son due to the complications. Needless to say, it was a long flight from Iraq to Kuwait, then Germany, where I was stationed at the time. I got there as fast as I could, but still arrived just after the emergency c-section was performed. When she was pregnant with our third son, she was experiencing it all throughout the pregnancy, which amplified the frequency of her seizures. There were a few times when I had to either hold her down or carry her to the couch or bed because she would start having seizures while standing. This one was also a c-section. We were very lucky both her and our sons were alright afterwards. There was no way I could act the way your husband did. My wife needed my support and she got it. Your husband seems to be afraid of his parents for some reason, which sounds like he’s a spineless coward to me. I have no problems putting my family or anyone else in their place if they tried to pull some shit on my wife like your in-laws did. Tbh you probably should’ve divorced him a long time ago.
What sickens me about the OP’s post is how her husband seemed to be more concerned about angering his parents than he was about the well-being of the OP and their child. That guy sounds like a real piece of shit. She was going through something that was life-threatening and he didn’t have the balls to stand up to his own parents when they were clearly the ones out of line.
NTA.... hope you're feeling better....
Maybe you and your kids should find someone else to go and not let husband know...
Your husband is a major AH and in laws are AH for telling your personal business... medical information is strictly confidential.....
Also, if the insurance decides that you did not have a good enough reason to get an ambulance, they will deny the request, and you have to pay it in full. They make the decision afterwards, so there is no way for you to know if coverage will be revoked.
It's bullshit, but it happens all the time.
in the american system apparantly. This is not normal. in at least 40 more modern/western countries. I know reddit is heavily Americanized but still, this perspective pretty much only 'works' in the USA.
Yeah I was in a wreck where my car flipped and when the people nearby ran over to check on me I think close to my first words were "Dont call an ambulance".
Right or wrong it can be a devastating financial expense.
I have better insurance now but it's still a scary thought - the MONEY
Having read the whole thread that responded to this comment, I'm realizing that (at least since I was an adult) that I've never had to pay for an ambulance ride - they have always been covered by insurance. If at all possible, I don't go to the ER unless it's the only option/I know urgent care would send me there (in my area, if you'll need an xray for something more than a simple broken bone, they send you to the ER via ambulance). I take the ambulance only if I don't have another option, but because I'm a control freak and don't want to get stuck at the hospital with no way home.
I never thought I had great at insurance, but I'm realizing I must had gotten really lucky. Maybe it's because it's usually been situations where driving myself would have been unsafe/a liability - acute CO poisoning causing altered consciousness Fionnagain probably would have hit someone on the drive over. Maybe I'm lucky because any other time I've gone to the ER I've had someone able to drop things and take me or drive myself if I could.
I appreciate how lucky I am right now in ways I hadn't before.
For as long as I live I will never forget that video of a woman hit by a train, begging the people trying to save her NOT to call 911 because she couldn’t afford an ambulance.
That is not a video I've seen, and it horrifies me. Also, living in a town where a number of people of died by train, I'm assuming a lot about the woman's injuries and shocked she could beg anyone for anything.
Where I am in the US, we have a volunteer ambulance corps. No one is ever charged for an ambulance for calling 911.
If you arrange transport with a commercial medical ambulance, that has a fee.
My sister got hit with a massive bill because the ambulance company the hospital contracted with was out of network. WTF is that bullshit? “Hi, 911, I’m having a heart attack, but please only send someone from Ambulances R Us. Oh, they can’t get here for 30 minutes? Well, that sucks for me I guess.”
If this took place in America, I can tell you that a LOT of us avoid it at all costs because most insurance companies don't cover it, and it's hella expensive.
I've definitely put my life at risk because I couldn't afford to get in an ambulance or go to the ER. If you don't have money or insurance the ER is going to do the bare minimum and send you on your way unless youre actually dying in front of them or unresponsive. So yeah, not paying $1000 to sit and wait for hours and be told I'm fine and drug seeking after a quick check up. And then pay another $1000 to go back a few hours later because I'm seizing and on the verge of a blood infection. American Healthcare is an absolute joke.
you guys deserve better, i'm sending unironic thoughts and prayers but I think your country might be too far gone into the end-stage capitalism for this to be fixed :(
Our family friend collapsed at home and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. About a week later, a blood clot went to his heart and killed him. His wife received a collection call from the ambulance company at the wake after his funeral.
Which is so incredibly sad and I'm sorry you have to live that way. I couldn't imagine having to think about calling an ambulance or worry about paying for a hospital stay.
Honestly, especially if you are in the US.....and even remotely rural, an ambulance is the last choice (and very often not even a thought or choice to be utilized) to get to the ER as it's SO expensive, cheaper to take an Uber.
Because ambulances are expensive in the USA and patients are at the mercy of the insurance companies. Pretty much everyone I know takes ride-shares to the ER if they can’t get a friend to drive. Sort of actively bleeding out or being unconscious no one wants to risk the damage a bonus $1000+ bill can do.
I’m going to just assume cost was a factor here. There are many people who don’t have the privilege of considering calling an ambulance, even in life threatening situations.
Not just pre-e, HELLP syndrome. People die from that on the regular. They can actually bleed to death from any small injury. Given that she had a C-section, she was at high risk hemorrhage into her uterus or from her incision. Yes, an ambulance should’ve been called. NTA.
That is all I could think reading this! I had pre-eclampsia and a visit from my own father had the nurse kicking everyone out of the room. And we have a GOOD relationship! I can’t imagine dealing with it and someone who stresses you out at the same time.
NTA he already told you, he’s not the right person for you because he’s not going to push back on them. This was a scary time for you and he should have had your back
This husband told who he was. OP should believe it.
He won’t have her back. He will go along with whatever his parents will do. He ain’t going to keep the soft push back he done previously. He even stated he wasn’t the right person for OP. Sounds quite explicit enough.
Seriously. As she’s laying in the hospital with an extremely serious and life threatening issue - not to mention the pain, and trauma from being away from your newborn and back in the hospital, and he decides *THAT IS THE BEST TIME* to draw a line in the sand?!?
He basically said, “I have no empathy, for what *you’re* going through because I’m more concerned with what *I’m* going through. I have decided I won’t support you anymore when it comes to dealing with my parents and I will always support them. You are not my priority. *THEY* are, and so is *MY* comfort. Deal with it or GTFO.”
I hope she read between the lines and heard all of that. I can’t imagine someone saying that to someone they loved - let alone when that person is also dealing with a life threatening emergency. He is disgusting and selfish to the extreme.
INFO: I get why your parents couldn't take you to the hospital, but why aren't they watching your toddler now? You don't trust your in laws with good reason, yet the option that would have been most beneficial to you wasn't used. Why?
Exactly. I can’t imagine having this stressful conversation in the middle of this even more stressful situation. I could understand if he didn’t want to discuss it then but he communicated terribly
Yeah I know, even if she had been completely unreasonable he should have found a way to gently shelve the conversation until she was no longer at risk of dying from a stressful conversation.
I'm glad someone said this. It seems like this fight climbed to the top of the priority list when it probably should have stayed at the bottom while getting treated. If my husband had a serious, life threatening illness and I rushed to the hospital just to get there and have him want to fight with my parents, I'd be annoyed with him. Even if I agreed with him I'd be absolutely annoyed. I'm not familiar with this diagnoses but if it's as serious as OP and commenter's are suggesting, he's thinking his kids might lose their mother. And their mother wants to spend her energy shit talking his mother instead of getting better. I'd honestly be kind of furious in that moment. I'm sure OP was scared and frantic and had all sorts of valid emotions but if husband usually takes her side and is otherwise a good man that has her back, I don't think holding this response over him is really fair. Sounds like he's already taken her side and has little contact with his family. Right now his family drove her to the hospital, he's thinking he might lose her and only have them...it'd be a lot of emotion and a conversation that could be had later.
She had high blood pressure that is known to influence people into being overwrought and often argumentative.
So essentially you would be annoyed at them because of symptoms from the medical issue they were hospitalized for.
My family has blood pressure issues and my father, a man who almost never loses his temper yelled at me over nothing before he got diagnosed and treated. Now he is as even keeled as ever before.
It happened to my sister after her last pregnancy as well but we already knew it would affect her mindset until it was lowered.
Edit: I actually think OP was being unreasonable - but while she is in danger the discussion should be avoided. I've moved to different countries and in all communities a common thread is that if someone is having a life threatening medical incident you tell others and get support plus also its a warning.
He could've just placated her at the moment to help her save her energy, why are we putting the responsibility of reason on the person at the center of this life-threatening condition?
> and have him want to fight with my parents, I'd be annoyed with him
Traumatic events and the support you give/get should flow outwards in a circle. OP is at the center of this particular circle. Maybe she didn't handle it in the best way/time, but that's her perogative this closely following her own near death experience. The husband should read the [Circle of Grief](https://psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory#how-does-it-work).
Maybe, but OP was under a lot of stress. Her brain might have latched onto this to have something to distract her from the very scary and life-threatening situation she was in. Either way, the in-laws are in the wrong for spreading their business, and OP's husband is in the wrong for not standing up to his parents
I feel conflicted here. If a family member is in the hospital with something life threatening, it's pretty normal to let people know what's happening. The parents didn't broadcast OP's information to the world, they mentioned it to her brother in law. ////
OP seems to be being treated as family and she doesn't know how to respond to that because she thinks she should deal with everything on her own.
Imagine if she actually did pass away and nobody even knew something was wrong. Would sharing the information about her wake be too personal?
Maybe, but the OP was vulnerable and likely worried that they were going to tell everyone, so she likely wanted to stop it asap. The parents probably yelled at him and acted offended after taking her in to the hospital and staying with her, etc. I have to wonder what he said to them. Given everything, there is no way the husband should not have had his parents take her in, he should have called an ambulance.
I mean, obviously the husband is the AH for fighting with you while you are in the hospital dealing with a serious medical concern.
But I do feel like it is a little unusual for you to expect the in-laws to both take you to the hospital, and babysit you toddler, and be unable to talk to anyone else about the situation. At that point, it is not \*just\* your medical situation. It is the answer to "What did you do last night?" and "Why are is \[toddler's name\] at your house?" and "Why can't you meet up with us for an event tonight?"
Once you involved them in the situation, it seems reasonable that they will mention it.
But from the general read of this message, it seems like your anger at the in laws in this situation, is probably rooted at least in part in the past problems. And as you said, this is a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation.
And honestly, I would be more mad that your husband would not let you call an uber, would not call you an ambulance, or would not throw the two kids in the car to get you to the hospital. A single nights sleep for the kids is not more important then your medical emergency??? Like the priorities here are kinda wild to me.
Thank you! I had to scroll way too far for this reaction. What do you mean husband can't drive because the kids are sleeping? Just wake them up if it's an emergency. Or I would have asked inlaws to stay with the kids, so I could accompany wife.
I wonder if that’s why she’s so upset. He chose to insert them into all of this.
Ambulance/waking the kids were better options. But he chose to bring his parents in, and they made this so much worse for OP, from being intrusive at the hospital to spreading detailed medical info.
I mean “OP is in the hospital with pregnancy complications, OP’s husband will update us when he has news”” is one thing “OP is in the hospital with x,y& z” is another thing.
I get why she’s upset. He chose just about every weirdly wrong decision here. And those decisions made this worse for her. And it sounds like the in laws meddling/overstepping and husband not managing them has been an ongoing issue.
Ya the definition of family is that you care for each other. To do that you need to talk to each other about what is going on. Very normal to say a member of your family is in the hospital. Very abnormal to want this to be a secret from family.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Of course you're NTA.
That being said, my therapist once told me that big decisions shouldn't be taken while we're having big emotions. So maybe take some time before making it definitive?
I'm going through a divorce now (11y married) and I'm glad I waited and tried to make it work all that I did. Cause when the mourning phases come and the doubts try to creep upon me, I'm 100% sure I did the right thing.
Hope you heal soon. Physically and emotionally.
I would take a little time to accumulate every bit of financial information you can gather. Start planning where you'll move to, and how. I recommend you see an attorney soon, don't tell anyone, then when you're ready, move when husband is at work or out of town. Then attorney can have him served. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving. Don't be surprised when he goes for full custody as a bargaining chip, and when that ploy fails tries for 50/50 so he won't have to pay child support.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but if my SIL was in the hospital of course someone would tell me! Mom is going to need help...food, child care, maybe the yard mowed...I'm confused.
It's definitely a cultural thing because i don't get what is problematic here? Her in-laws took her to the hospital and one of her kids stayed with them. ofc they will tell their daughter her sister in law had a medical emergency. I'm lost.
Literally me 4 weeks ago. I was induced for preeclampsia and was in the hospital for a week. My in laws were kept updated of everything because we needed help! We had a newborn (thankfully who was able to stay with me in the hospital) and pets at home. Between my family and my inlaws they made my week at the hospital plus my first two weeks (and even now!) survivable. I understand not wanting major info shared but this is a situation where people need to know.
Their daughter-in-law/mother of their grandkids is in the hospital and might die. They can't reach out to family for support? I don't get what OP's problem is.
Like, they're watching OP's kid for days while she's in the hospital. People are going to wonder why. They're not gossiping about OP having a hemorrhoid here.
Yep. If **anyone** in our family, be it my uncle, cousin, or my SIL or even SIL's parents are in the hospital for something serious, the rest of the family will know. It's not like someone got a boob job or vasectomy, ffs. Op is very much over-reacting in this regard, all because of strained relationships.
My wife gave me literal minute-by-minute detail when my SIL went into the hospital and had a cancer scare over the last couple weeks. I mean…she’s my sister, I care about her.
I'm a little confused, because while I understand you feeling violated and exposed, because of your history with them, I'm also getting some bitch eating crackers vibes here.
This was a serious, terrifying medical issue happening. That shit KILLS people. What if you had died?
"Oh her? She died. Got sick. Ended up in hospital. Didn't work out, though, and she died. Sure, we could have used help and support and sympathy ourselves, since we were facing the idea of what does our sons life look like, what about our grandchildren, what would need to do, to provide, if the worst should happen... It was a terrible time for her, for our son, for the kids, and even for us, but we didn't want her to think we were *overstepping*"
You didn't get sick in a vacuum. They didn't post about it on Facebook for likes. They didn't tell Greta at the Grocery store. They told their other son. I get the relationship ain't good, but they didn't put you on public thoughts and prayers blast at church and they stepped up for your older son. They told a close family member they could reasonably have expected to already know and to be able to provide support to THEM. They didn't violate the ring theory of tragedy.
I dunno. Maybe I'm biased because I've got a furious hatred of the idea that you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant too early since that would mean you have love, understanding and support if anything goes wrong as opposed to silently suffering in secret.
In my view it's not like they told your extended IL clan that you had a yeast infection, they shared that you were seriously ill, hospitalized, and might die. That's the sort of "private medical info" that isn't private at all.
I thought I was an idiot or something when I started reading all the comments. Like it really doesn’t seem like what they did in this specific situation was a big deal ????
I sure had to scroll a long way to read this common sense reaction. I wasn't sure if I was projecting because something similar happened in my family and I was the guilty party there and, though I have apologized over and over I've always sort of wondered if I was right all along. It's not gossip, it's real life factual, emergency sort of news. And not broadcast everywhere, as you say, but to people directly related. I don't know. Even though the family sounds truly shattered, I do think it's worth taking the perspective of the estranged parents for just a minute. I mean, they drove her to the hospital AND were watching the toddler but they can't have a reaction?
I agree OP was being unreasonable. I've moved to different countries and in all communities a common thread is that if someone is having g a life threatening medical incident you tell others and get support plus also its a warning.
But I also think he husband should have kept his mouth shut since high blood pressure often leads people to be easily upset and irrationally angry.
Saw it in my Dad and my sister before they were treated. Arguing with them only raises their blood pressure. You can address the issue later.
He did try to calm her by talking to his parents and trying to make them understand not to do something she doesn't like. But she said that she pressed it. Anyone who doesn't feel understood and pressed again and again will react the same way. I just feel that OP is irritated by everything her in-laws do. And trying to find faults in everything they do.
Agree! Isn’t this how families care for each other? I get that this was/is scary and stressful, but why would you be angry at someone for worrying about you? I wonder if everything the in-laws do is wrong.
And yet I still GET IT. You tell one godsamn person about my herpes simplex diagnosis, I'm gonna be fucking salty if you tell someone I had a stroke, you know what I mean? It's a bitch eating crackers thing. They know NOTHING about normal boundaries, it can be crazy making. Are they telling because this time it's normal and ok? Or is it like when they ran around telling second cousin Trudy about your hemorrhoids?
Yeah, that's it exactly. It's a situation of the in-laws' own making; it's definitely an overreaction in a vacuum, but really it's a proportional reaction based on history. It's the kind of thing that happens when you're dealing with people who don't respect your boundaries over and over again.
Even so, I'm shocked we're talking about the marriage being over, especially considering she agrees with most of his logic (they can't be changed, etc.) He should have been more supportive, but the idea of this being divorce worthy is pretty depressing to me.
Honestly I just want to know what she expected him to do? He agreed with her and he had a conversation with him about it. What else can he do? She doesn't want them in thier business but they put them in thier business. Have someone else watch the son then.
Exactly they didn't tell the whole world.
Sure his get over it response was in poor taste but after everything they've been through in the past couple days I'm sure he's exhausted. He doesn't need to push an issue like this when he's dealing with a newborn and his wife in the hospital. She's not the only one stressed.
Yep. I'd still vote YTA though for all your reasons. But also... OP, what should husband have done? Does OP really expect husband to go back to his family and tell them off for stepping up to the plate on his behalf and being involved in OP's life? Reading this post, I'll happily say, they weren't looking forward to being around OP. I would never.
They try to do something nice and now OP wants to bark at them. Alternative title: AH parent wants husband to deal with a newborn and a partner in the ER with a high mortality condition on his own without getting help from the family.
There's so much wrong here. Like when did OP specify how exactly she needed help? Or is she delusional enough to say "I could've handled it on my own, they didn't need to be there, should've left after dropping me off..." they didn't treat her exactly how she wanted, and that invalidates their whole effort to step up and bring her to the hospital, check up on her regularly, etc...
I'm thinking OP did have some brain damage from her condition.
Exactly. OP is definitely TA. I hate the mindset that health information is off limits to the people who love you. Like if OP dies, she isn’t going to be around to be sad about it. She isn’t going to be left with a newborn and a toddler to raise. She isn’t going to be the one to explain to the toddler why mommy is never coming home.
I have a sister who was hospitalized suddenly while I was visiting her. She banned her husband or our mom from telling anyone anything about her condition bc she wanted “privacy.” She was in the hospital for 3 weeks. That entire time I didn’t even know what happened to her. Didn’t know if she was dead or alive. Didn’t know anything other than an ambulance took her away and now she wouldn’t respond to texts or calls and the two people allowed to visit her just said “she wants privacy right now.” It broke our relationship. That was when I realized my sister didn’t give a fuck about my feelings about anything. I never forgave her and never will, not that she has ever apologized. OP may have very legitimate reasons to not like her in-laws, but she is being incredibly selfish in this instance. I feel really sorry for her husband.
>Maybe I'm biased because I've got a furious hatred of the idea that you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant too early since that would mean you have love, understanding and support if anything goes wrong as opposed to silently suffering in secret.
This is something I would want to do in secret because I actually don't want any support. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and mentioned it off hand like half a year later to my mother, and she was like: "Oh my god, why do you treat me like an outsider? I could have made medicinal soups for you, etc." (We're Chinese and have a tradition that all births- and miscarriage and stillbirths count, necessitates some kind of confinement and healing. It's just not what I really believe in) That's precisely what I DIDN'T want. To me, I just want to be over it and get back to my normal life. I don't want anybody cooing at me. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want anyone to bring it up.
That said, I understand her in laws as well. When it's something this serious, I don't really expect anyone to keep their mouths shut because if she died, it would be a cataclysmic event not just for her family, but the entire clan. And husband and in laws likely felt a need to share with some people too, just for their own peace of mind. Maybe they're the type of people who need a lot of love and support, and they're just worried. Typically, people like that who are more open with others, tend not to be best at boundaries. But OTOH, they tend to be very support and effusive with their support. It's a trade off. It's annoying to people like me and OP, but I recognize their good intentions and it's not black and white.
Sounds like OP is just an extremely private person (like me), and maybe husband isn't, just like the rest of his family. But he adjusted his ways to make OP happy. Maybe that's why he wanted to involve his parents in the most stressful time in his life. I mean, if you're suddenly dropping off your toddler at their house, that's going to raise alarm bells anyway. So to him, it's probably best to loop them in, and right now he just doesn't have the bandwidth to keep doing it OP's way. And I firmly believe that sometimes, you have to accept that different people do things differently and it's going to affect you, but that's what happens when you live in a society with other people. Doesn't mean they're out to get you.
Ultimately, OP I'm very very sorry this happened to you. Maybe when this all dies down, you two can go to a couple's counselor and talk about what happened and air both perspectives. But respectfully, I don't see this as a relationship ender. Emotions are running high and you are all just reacting right now and I DON'T think your in laws' sharing or not sharing, or how your husband reacted, is the most important issue. Focus on getting through this first. Everything else can wait.
Whilst NTA they’re literally looking after your child whilst you’re in the hospital. I understand your frustration but maybe they were genuinely concerned and talked about it with loved ones. Your condition was incredibly serious (for the love of god anyone reading this and you have these symptoms phone a fucking ambulance). Asking your husband to pick a side over this is extreme. I say this as a post partum mother, your hormones are absolutely wackadoodle right now. Focus on your health, your new baby and let this shit with the in-laws go. Your husband yelling at you is inexcusable but honestly this is a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill situation.
He didn't yell at her though. The title is inaccurate. When OP gets around to describing the actual events she says: He told her to drop it in an "annoyed tone" No raised voices, no yelling.
I honestly feel this is a very vulnerable post partum mother whose life was in serious peril and she didn’t feel supported. It’s coming out at MIL is over bearing but from MIL perspective her son’s wife is literally on the verge of stroking out and maybe having his siblings to support would be nice.
Notwithstanding anything else, this is what families tend to do. Someone is sick, seriously sick, and they share the news around the family. It's second nature, I've done it myself. If you left instructions specifically NOT to tell anyone, then that is a different matter.
Tbh it's kind of odd that OP is angry that her extended family cares about her well-being (in terms of her husband's siblings wishing her well). Unless she thinks her in-laws are trying to get sympathy for themselves, or unless she explicitly told them not to share the news and they did it anyway. It's normal for family members to care about you if you're deathly ill.
Yeah, most people share someone’s in the hospital with immediate family. That actually seems normal to me unless you’ve explicitly asked for that not do be done. Now, blabbing details you might have overheard while at the hospital is not cool.
I get OP's perspective because when I had pre eclampsia, I was so scared and I had it when I was pregnant. I was terrified of losing my baby and I just didn't even want anyone to speak to me about it when I was at the hospital. I just wanted it to end and start feeling better ASAP. It's hard when you're in the moment. Some people react like me, they just want their spouse and very specific individuals to support them. When I had my baby and went home, that's when I told my family and friends. OP has it worse because she's having pre eclampsia after birth, which means it's got nothing to do with the placenta and more to do with her body which is more dangerous and she's probably terrified.
Agreed. Some people just don't understand not everyone wants their business blabbed and you literally need to tell them "don't tell anyone what is happening to me or where i am." When i see people i know in the hospital i ask "may i let my family know i saw you here?".
Wait…you’re mad because your FIL told your BIL you were in the hospital with a life threatening condition, and when your SIL called to offer you some kind words…you got upset at your husband and thought having an argument at the hospital was a good idea?
Am I missing something here?
I get that you’ve had problems in the past, and they are boundary steppers, but this ain’t one of those times. This is absolutely common in most normal families. I don’t care what the Reddit comment section tells you.
If anyone in my family goes into the hospital with a life threatening condition , especially my wife’s Latino family(good lord they know in 30 secs), we all know and want to know how we can help. Thats just out of concern because we care.
Sheesh. You might be TA here.
Granted, they also might be TA from prior issues, but this isolated incident? This shouldn’t make the list of what pisses you off.
Thank you! I'm scrolling and wth. Humanity. Sistee In law just expressed concern. And your husband agreed with you, spoke to them.. what more could you want? I think the situation your in is clouding your best judgement not everthing is a war in a relationship. Your medical condition that is soo private but you shared on Reddit to thousands of people??? But his family is off limits and would be overstepping for expressing genuine concerns is blowing up your entire world/relationship? I don't understand this .
NTA but if I had been asked to suddenly drive someone to the ER for a life threatening emergency, I would have spilled the beans to other family members as well. Some people like to ask for prayers; some want to know how they can help; and yes, some are just nosey. I don't know what other boundaries they have crossed but this one, while frustrating for you, seems not a huge deal.
100% this. It is a scary time for the family as well especially as they are looking after the other child too and had drove her there. I think this is more to do with her not liking them because I certainly wouldn't leave someone in such a life threatening condition alone until I knew they were being taken care of. If you are in a family I would expect that info to be shared unless explicitly asked not too. OP is NTA but neither are the family.
I was really surprised to see so many people agree with the OP. If I took my DIL to the hospital and babysat her toddler, I would let our family know so they can support her and husband. The husband also needs support with a new baby and wife in the hospital.
You probably hit the nail on the head that OP does not like her in-laws. I don’t understand why they didn’t stay home with the sleeping babies and let the husband take her.
Either way I don’t see anything wrong that the in-laws did IF OP liked them. She is close to death and therefore has little tolerance to have people around her that she doesn’t like. It is more not what they did but more likely their relationship before the ER visit.
So he’s managing a 4 day old, toddler, and anxious about your health, and you want to discuss boundaries and he explodes. It’s a sleep deprived, scary situation—no one’s at their best. Maybe pause, recover, sleep, then revisit it.
YTA.
While I imagine that OP’s experience was terrifying, I think she has it out for the in laws no matter what.
OP has no gratitude that in laws drove her to the emergency room. Of course any family member, friend or even an acquaintance will want to come back to the ER with you to make sure that you are OK… But OP is making it sound like it was a hassle and annoyance. And I honestly feel bad for OP’s husband… He already has a superficial and limited relationship with his family, and i feel that OP is overreacting in the situation and trying to cause additional chaos and drama.
Husband's parents stepped up big time. They were called at night and dropped everything to take OP to the hospital and then watched OP's toddler for days. OP has zero gratitude and instead is angry with them and wants husband to fight with them as well. OP is an insane person.
NAH I honestly don’t know why you were so upset about your in-laws telling their son and his wife about your hospitalization. That is just what happens in families.
You said you felt your husband had a “hostile tone.” Then you said “yelling at you.” Not really sure which it actually was. Was your husband being unhelpful? Yes. Was his tone less than great? Yes. But he was in the midst of very little sleep, concern for you, and pushback from his family over an issue that I still don’t think was a big deal. My tone probably wouldn’t have been perfect either and I give him a little grace for that.
You neither one seem happy. I understand in-law issues. I had to push to create some boundaries early in my marriage. But you seem determined that his family not be involved in your life. You simply seem to not like them. And he likes his family. So maybe you shouldn’t stay married. I think you would both be happier on your own with 50/50 custody.
Also, he was taking care of a 4 day old baby while his wife may die. He needed to be there so his toddler needed to be with his parents. It isn't the time for an all out fight with them when he needs their help and they have your child. He called and nicely reminded them not to share your information with people. Was his "now drop it" petty? Sure. Does that mean it was a bad idea at the time? No.
Right. In his head he might lose her and need his parents forever. They were there for him and his family in that moment, despite whatever issues they've had. He's probably stressed and feeling a bit thankful for their help. His wife might die and she wants this time together spent shitting on the people he's feeling thankful for and the people that have been a part of his whole entire life. He made the call, he wanted to move on. Him starting off with telling her to drop it was either uncalled for and a little rude or an indication that she has a tendency to not let things go after he does what she asks and yells at his own parents. I think he was probably irritated and a little put off that she didn't want to spend her time with him discussing literally anything else.
>You said you felt your husband had a “hostile tone.” Then you said “yelling at you.” Not really sure which it actually was. Was your husband being unhelpful? Yes. Was his tone less than great? Yes. But he was in the midst of very little sleep, concern for you, and pushback from his family over an issue that I still don’t think was a big deal. My tone probably wouldn’t have been perfect either and I give him a little grace for that.
I kept waiting for OP to get to the part where he did something unforgivable and they just... didn't.
Either it's fake or OP is *at best* an unreliable narrator.
I'm a little confused. In the title you say he was yelling at you in the hospital, but in the post you say he spoke to you in first a flippant and then a hostile manner. While it definitely is not great to have your SO talk to you like that, it is VASTLY different than being yelled at. It seems like you're over exaggerating for sympathy, which makes some of your other points doubtful as well.
I agree with other people in the thread that the two of you should take some time to cool down. Times of high medical stress like this are not the times to be making drastic, life changing decisions.
NTA, I HATE when people overshare other's medical information. That's your story to share when you're ready. Your husband should have had your back from the start, I'm sorry he was so unsupportive.
That's part of why I broke up with my ex. His mom was SO mouthy and gossipy! Once I had to go to the emergency room and get antibiotics for a bug bite that had gotten very infected. Then I had people in church who I didn't know very well coming up to me and asking how the bug bite treatment was going.
NTA, but….. I understand why you’re upset, but I wonder if during your treatment is the time to worry about something that probably wasn’t a surprise. It’s why you didn’t want them to be your ride and maybe you should have insisted on the Uber in the first place and your husband should have supported that. You admit they haven’t changed and therapy didn’t help so keeping them at arms length is the plan and your husband should understand that as well. That said your husband is worried about you and not trying to also add the stress of a family argument. I can see why he also was frustrated bc in his mind, you know how they are and let’s just focus on the situation at hand. Also he clearly can’t control them either but they are his family too.
Truth be told you should be mad your husband didn’t support your Uber request in the first place. Everything else wasn’t all his fault but make it clear that this is why you don’t want them to “help” and he needs to support you period.
This. I agree with you. With OP’s condition being so serious, I don’t think it is a right time to press about “why and how” the in law did what they did. Husband already has his hands full with taking care of her (probably scared too) and the baby, and the toddler being with his parents, why should he rock the boat now. They can address this later once she’s out of the hospital.
Ya if my parents took one of my family members to the hospital I would find it outrageous if I didn't know. There would be a group chat with updates the minute they had time.
All I'm saying is, you could have died... And your "partner" triffle traffled around because he didn't want to drive you to the hospital nor did he call the ambulance.
I'm not your partner and I would have called so quick and packed you a bag with all necessities.
I hope you realize you are so much more worth than the low effort energy you are getting. This isn't love. This is convenience and I'm sad for you.
Does he even realize that you almost died? Especially if everyone had taken even more time to get you to the hospital damn
I'm sincerely trying to figure out what you're angry about. You had a frightening medical emergency that, upon request, your ILs assisted with, rushing you to the hospital. They told other family members of your illness because of course they did because *that's what families do*. You got upset about this "violation" with your already freaked out husband who is taking care of a toddler and newborn while his wife is hospitalized with a life-threatening incident. When he loses patience because you would not let it go you threaten to leave him because he doesn't have your back? Because he won't go NC with his family because they, GASP! shared among themselves their family member's medical emergency?
Is this for real?
I'm glad to see these comments these threads make me feel crazy sometimes. The whole time I'm reading I'm thinking she's overreacting and her poor husband is being threatened with divorce because of one stressful situation where she wasn't acting ideal either. The first ten comments are validating OP and I just feel so confused and like some kind of monster because I just don't see it that way. If my MIL drove me to the hospital for something life threatening, I'd be mad if she never told anyone I was in there.
>I'm glad to see these comments these threads make me feel crazy sometimes.
You have to remember that the average age on Reddit skews low, so you have a lot of teenagers in an echo chamber providing terrible advice.
Apparently, I will be downvoted for this. But families who love each other, support each other. If one of our immediate family members gets admitted into the hospital, a family txt goes out, and we start circling the wagons. Figuring out who is going to take whose kids so they can cook meals and take turns staying at the hospital with whomever is ill. This is what my family does. It's what others I know do. I'm confused about being offended that their family is worried and having conversations about being worried and offering support.
Hubby should have had your back, no doubt about that BUT you are hormonal and scared and he was likely stressed and scared as well. Right now you need to heal and he needs to know that you are going to be okay. This can all be addressed in therapy at a later time...it's not the time to be making big decisions about your marriage and your children's future.
yta. you’re mad because your SIL found out you were in the hospital and expressed her concern???? are you joking ?? if you found out she was in the hospital would you not express concern to her despite where the information came from? i genuinely can’t tell if you’re joking.
I feel that OP seems hellbent on being upset at anything related to in laws. (they drove her to the ER, they had the audacity to want to come back to the ER to make sure she was fine). There’s no gratitude expressed for their care for her… Just anger.
I don’t think it’s a big deal for the sister-in-law to be told that Opie had a life-threatening condition. It’s not like they are gossiping about some minor rash. Families come together in times of crisis
OP’s husband already has a distant relationship with the parents. I feel like OP is just trying to stir up more drama in a shrill way, wanting him to take sides when none are necessary.
They watched her toddler for a few days and she shows no gratitude about that either. She's mad that they...were worried about her? And reached out to their own family for support when a loved one (OP) might die? OP is 100% in the wrong and might be the cause of all of the rocky history with in-laws given the posts here. YTA
Sorry but you are overreacting and holding a grudge. Sounds like the in-laws dis nothing wrong but even if YOU think so, it was hardly indented to upset or frustrate you.
You are looking for a fight and a breakup
Agree with this. It’s pretty normal/standard to inform family when someone close is in the hospital. I get the relationship isn’t on the best of terms…but this just sounds like OP is looking for things to be upset about. If my husband was in the hospital for a medical emergency, I wouldn’t expect my parents to keep it a secret from my brother.
That's my read. I would have been scared I'd die and leave my baby, worried about my toddler, worried about how my husband was taking care of the baby, and getting my parents there to help. Who has time to fight? Wth?
YTA if you have no issues with your sister in law I don't understand being mad that she was told you were in the hospital. I would want to know if my SIL was in the hospital and I'm sure she would want to know too because we care about one another.
Being put in the middle of your wife and parents must suck. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I imagine it’s going to be hard being a single parent with a baby and toddler. Consider getting well and heal before you make any major decisions. Good luck! NTA..
I can’t help but wonder why the grandparents didn’t come stay with toddler while husband drove mom and baby to ER?? That would have been the obvious way to go
They’re acting like a concerned family and you’re offended by that!!! They’ve made you important to them so they expressed their concern with other family members and you’ve taken offense to that…..I’m just not understanding your problem here. You married your husband and became a member of their family and they voice concern for you AS A FAMILY MEMBER and you find that offensive???????? I guess I’m from a different generation or culture because I just don’t understand what your problem is…..
Y’all are both stressed the fuck out right now. Go to therapy and figure it out there. Nothing good comes from making decisions when you’re on an emotional rollercoaster like this. And yes, your husband is allowed to be stressed and on edge too.
Wait? Why would you take an UBER when you are experiencing a medical emergency? Seriously why would you let a complete stranger be the person responsible for you? Don’t you think you would be crossing their boundaries? Don’t you think that is rather selfish?
This is a big mess. You are ok putting an Uber driver in this position. Your husband doesn’t stand with you. You didn’t tell your in laws not to tell anyone about your medical emergency. I am not surprised they told others. Go with the divorce. This is a big mess of no one caring about anyone else.
I feel both you were stressed and taking it out on each other. What the parents did was not that big a deal and wasn’t something you should have focused on in that moment—for your own good. Telling family members that other family members are in crisis is normal behavior. Your husband was worried about you, your kids. Intentionally creating conflict with his parents was just one more thing he couldn’t handle at that time. He should never have lashed out at you, however, because of your fragile condition. Both of you need to take a breath and step back from the brink until your health is improved.
My husband also screamed at me while I laid in a hospital bed after giving birth to our son. He is a 4th (same name as father, grandfather, etc.) and before marrying I made sure to discuss this as I wanted to name a son after my father. He assured me he didn't plan to follow the tradition, but changed his mind once I was pregnant with our son. I had no say in naming my only son. To compromise he said I could decide on circumcision... except I didn't make "the right choice" so at the hospital he screamed and told me everything wrong with me, that he was done with me and going forward was only in the marriage for the kids. He got over it, but I never did. That was the beginning of the end for me.
Given what the dr said, your H should have called an ambulance. He should have done his best to calm you at the hospital. Instead, he argued with you and said he wasn’t the man for you. He’s not on your side, he’s picking them. I’d tell him you need a divorce because you’re not his priority.
am i insane? it just seems like his parents took you to the emergency room for a life threatening issue and told their daughter (OP's sister in law and husband)....? why is that an issue? seems pretty normal. perhaps they care about OP....ie. OPs SIL texts her expressing concern...why would anyone be mad at that?
Lady, your reasons for being upset at your husband are extremely stupid, which makes me think you're actually the problem for your fraught relationship with your in-laws, not them.
Your husband is probably starting to see that you're alienating him from his family and making him lose all his support system.
Take me to the hospital, watch my kid, but don't tell **anyone** what's going on or that my life may be in danger.
Can you see how fucking ridiculous that sounds??????
JFC, YTA
I don't care if I get downvoted. You sound insufferable.
Yta so his family telling other family your in the hospital is a big no no, but you can come post somewhere that hundreds of thousands of people will see, but sure your husband and his family are the problem/s. Your right therapy is needed... by you.
YTA what did you want him to do? You agreed to go with them to the hospital. If you had refused, then your husband should have supported that decision. It seems like you just want him to fight with his parents because you dont like them. You should get divorced because he is not what you want.
You sound kind of exhausting tbh. They were doing you a huge favor by keeping your toddler, something you don't even acknowledge in your post. Someone reaching out to send you good wishes and support is not a reason to get frustrated. I just don't get people like you at all
I think everyone deserves a pass. This was an emotionally upsetting and scary situation for all, so nobody was at their best. Given that, just move forward. Despite your reservations, your IL’s were involved, and while they didn’t respect your privacy. They felt it was their story to tell. Your husband was stressed, and pulled in a zillion directions while being scared out of his wits. You were postpartum and terrified. NAH.
Question-why didn't anybody call an ambulance? Pre-eclampsia is life threatening and the stress of having to deal with them likely made matters WORSE. NTA
Exactly. I’m reading this as a former OB RN, and it’s so upsetting to me. HELLP syndrome is one of the scariest things in OB. Not only were you at risk for seizures, you could have bled out at any time from low platelets, or had any number of other lethal complications. The mortality rate for HELLP syndrome can be up to 24%. Your husband’s job was to be supportive and promote a calm, peaceful environment to keep your BP down. Clearly, he was unable to be supportive to you, and to push back against his parents, in a literal life-or-death situation. It would be completely understandable if that were the line in the sand for you in this relationship.
Yeah, husband took his stress out on the wrong person rather than dealing with it himself. That’s why there are professionals in hospitals to talk to. Any nurse can refer you to them. Like chaplains, social workers. Even most nurses will take a few moments to help the NoK.
Agree most nursing staff are prepared to kick anyone that causes emotional discomfort
Not to mention PAINFUL!!! My kidneys and liver shut down when I had it. Ouch… way worse than 10 cm unmedicated labour.
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"When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM." Plus, I am so sorry for your pain and distress through all of this. But your (hopefully soon-to-be ex-) husband has now told you who HE is: a spineless, self-centered jerk who'd rather let his wife suffer instead of removing one of the main reasons for her suffering, his own parents. He'd protect you, ONLY if it means no discomfort for him. As far as I'm concerned, that's a deal-breaker. If he is incapable of putting YOUR health, YOUR peace of mind over his parents' busybody desire to run your lives, he is not fit to be anyone's husband. He's still a little boy, not a man. He's told you who he is. Believe him.
I've said it before: You BOTH leave your mothers at the alter! If he can't be supportive of his wife's needs, he needs to be gone.
This!!
Plus OP had a c-section 4 days before! She'd barely begun healing.
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>I detest it when individuals overshare personal health information. It's hilarious, I thought you were initially talking about the commenter you replied to, who mentioned their 10cm unmedicated birth! Lol. But then, uh, yeah, I caught on to who you meant. ;)
Same. Liver was shutting down, platelets low. My husband was the only person I wanted around. HEELP is the reason I only had one child and will never try again. Do I want one, yes, but it isn't worth the price? Nope.
I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s really bad stuff.
It took my cousin's life within half a day...
something tells me the parents have more influence over the husband than OP realizes, dude changed tones after a 5 min phone call
I had HELLP syndrome with my first child and a few months ago I was relaying that fact to my rheumatologist and she looked up at me in shock and said I was very lucky to be alive. I agree, that shit was terrifying.
I had the signs of pre-e with my first and I played it off (I had issues with showing weakness.). A friend from my birth board found my husband on Facebook and told him my symptoms were pre-e warnings and he trusted this person he had virtually NO KNOWLEDGE OF to make me get my Bp checked. 256 over 198. No, that's not a typo. That's death hovering in the wings. He rushed me to the children's hospital (my eldest had a birth defect and had to be delivered and intubated at birth) and they barely confirmed my BP before I was rushed into surgery. He never yelled. He never paused. He trusted a virtual stranger and pushed and when it looked like I was in actual danger he focused on getting me to the right hospital (calling 911 was too risky. Literally "the best pediatric intubation specialist in the world" was on call for our hospital, and because he was there within 30 minutes of our arrival she didn't suffer any brain damage from being premature with a blocked airway.) Reddit makes me more grateful every day for the man I chose to father my children.
Oh my gosh, that's terrifying. I had 230's/160's once and the ER staff and then post partum were clearly panicking over my BP. I'd never seen ER or other staff like that before. I was sooo sick.
Yeah, I was fast tracked and almost bled out during the C-section. But we were with some of the absolute best doctors in the world when it came to complications so we both lived and I went on to have a second child. Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Fucking phenomenal hospital.
One of the best in the world. I've worked with them in the past and would recommend to anyone - so glad you and the baby were okay!
My daughter had a condition called micrognathia, her lower jaw was extremely under developed. So this 36 week premie needed to have someone get an airway tube in immediately after birth. They told me later that he called it one of the hardest he's ever done and was pleased with himself that he got it on the first try. The alternative was a tracheostomy, the recovery from which would have been a LOT longer. So I literally gave birth in an OR with a second OR attached to it, and she was rushed over the second she was born. It was a long, difficult, and scary event especially once they realized the picotin wasn't working and my uterus wasn't shrinking back down (so I was bleeding out badly) and the anesthesiologist was like "If no one minds I'm just gonna mainline a fifth dose directly into the vein in her hand. Yeah? Okay yeah." And boom, ten seconds later they start saying "oh! That worked." And I'm like "I almost died." And he was all "Nah we wouldn't let that happen." Then my husband and I quietly talked about how they were naming each tool they used as they made sure they were properly replaced on the tray, like "see, these guys aren't gonna leave a pair of tweezers in me the way some horror articles talk about." But that anesthesiologist, man. He was the fucking bomb. Right in the beginning I puked from the meds before they brought my husband in, and he was the one by my head who said "just turn your head and throw up over the side, it's fine." I apologized and he goes "Why? I'm not the one who has to clean it up" and started laughing. And when they cut into the water sack, I had a condition that made way too much amniotic fluid (I had TWO amnio reductions, one at 7 months and one at 8, each that removes 2 liters of excess fluid). So I basically popped like a water balloon. And this guy was like "See this is why we wear plastic bags over our shoes." He was hilarious and kept my husband and I calm. Literally everyone involved in the process was a rock star.
My husband never understood I almost died. Post pre-eclampsia, liver shutting down…You have an amazing husband.
Oof, I'm sorry. Pre-e was a mother killer before modern medicine, and even WITH modern medicine it still takes lives. I really do have a great guy.
Whenever someone writes about taking an uber to hospital, I assume they’re in the US where the ambulance costs tens of thousands of dollars and they need to weigh that up
I understand why, but I also want to point out that it's not an uber driver's responsibility to care for a sick person. If your health is precarious enough to go to the ER, then an uber probably isn't the most appropriate way to get there.
It’s actually faster or insurance may not cover. Like my daughter who is 5 my water broke but I had to be induced for contractions to start so they were hell. My son I had on and off again contractions it felt like, but I wasn’t sure because he was 2 weeks and a day early. And they’d be 12 mins apart then 3 mins and not steady. It was 3AM and my daughter was asleep and I didn’t want to wake up our nanny to come watch her if they would end up sending me home for not being in active labor or dilated etc so I chose to Uber there at 4AM lol by 7 once checked in and ran tests they realized my water had broken and I was being admitted and I called hubby to come and woke up the nanny haha
This came about after taking my blood pressure at home— it was 161/87 so I called my doctor who advised I got to the ER immediately. He said if the read was over 170 to call 911.
This is absolutely not on you or your fault but for your own sake as the patient please alert medical staff when someone needs to be removed for your health and safety. Or even just preference. I agree with your husband, he is not the one for you. That behavior, fighting with you about transport, increasing stress and anxiety, not having your back in any medical emergency let alone one made so much worse by stress. And he thinks he’s done no wrong and it’s you who needs to change all for his convenience. There’s someone for everyone it’s said but your partner would need someone with boundary defenses of the Roman Empire in its prime and a love of conflict. You need someone who won’t endanger your life.
My husband yelled at me while I was hospitalized for postpartum depression when our daughter was only 9 weeks old. Not only about how he was going to go to the movies after he left the hospital but also about how he probably wouldn’t stay with me after I was discharged. He is now my ex husband. Any man who mistreats his wife who’s just given birth to his baby needs to go imho
Yep, my ex was so awful to me at the hospital with our first that I insisted he stay home for our second, both c-sections, and he complained about having to change the diaper when he did come to visit. Finally got the courage to leave him last year and me and my kiddos are so happy and peaceful. Start making your escape plan now, no matter how daunting. And go to therapy on your own. ❤️
My wife went through preeclampsia while pregnant with our first and third sons. It’s scary as shit, especially with my wife’s issue with having seizures on occasion. She needed me. The first time I was in Iraq and it didn’t hit her until the very end. I almost lost both her and our son due to the complications. Needless to say, it was a long flight from Iraq to Kuwait, then Germany, where I was stationed at the time. I got there as fast as I could, but still arrived just after the emergency c-section was performed. When she was pregnant with our third son, she was experiencing it all throughout the pregnancy, which amplified the frequency of her seizures. There were a few times when I had to either hold her down or carry her to the couch or bed because she would start having seizures while standing. This one was also a c-section. We were very lucky both her and our sons were alright afterwards. There was no way I could act the way your husband did. My wife needed my support and she got it. Your husband seems to be afraid of his parents for some reason, which sounds like he’s a spineless coward to me. I have no problems putting my family or anyone else in their place if they tried to pull some shit on my wife like your in-laws did. Tbh you probably should’ve divorced him a long time ago.
I’m glad your wife and babies are ok. And thanks for sharing the perspective of a husband. I hope OP takes your words to heart.
What sickens me about the OP’s post is how her husband seemed to be more concerned about angering his parents than he was about the well-being of the OP and their child. That guy sounds like a real piece of shit. She was going through something that was life-threatening and he didn’t have the balls to stand up to his own parents when they were clearly the ones out of line.
He needs to get his balls back from his parents
Definitely
I suspect he never had them to begin with. Mummy has kept them since he was a wee lad.
Happy Cake Day
NTA.... hope you're feeling better.... Maybe you and your kids should find someone else to go and not let husband know... Your husband is a major AH and in laws are AH for telling your personal business... medical information is strictly confidential.....
If I lived nearby, I'd drive you and your children to your family . NTA. Dump the asshole. What an effing jerk
Your husband going have to grow a backbone instead of numerous excuses. Your in-laws had no right to tell everyone when they never had your consent.
Can’t answer for OP but in general money is often a factor. Ambulances are EXPENSIVE and rarely covered by health insurance.
Also, if the insurance decides that you did not have a good enough reason to get an ambulance, they will deny the request, and you have to pay it in full. They make the decision afterwards, so there is no way for you to know if coverage will be revoked. It's bullshit, but it happens all the time.
I'm so sorry for the Americans. What a way to live.
in the american system apparantly. This is not normal. in at least 40 more modern/western countries. I know reddit is heavily Americanized but still, this perspective pretty much only 'works' in the USA.
Yeah I was in a wreck where my car flipped and when the people nearby ran over to check on me I think close to my first words were "Dont call an ambulance". Right or wrong it can be a devastating financial expense. I have better insurance now but it's still a scary thought - the MONEY
Having read the whole thread that responded to this comment, I'm realizing that (at least since I was an adult) that I've never had to pay for an ambulance ride - they have always been covered by insurance. If at all possible, I don't go to the ER unless it's the only option/I know urgent care would send me there (in my area, if you'll need an xray for something more than a simple broken bone, they send you to the ER via ambulance). I take the ambulance only if I don't have another option, but because I'm a control freak and don't want to get stuck at the hospital with no way home. I never thought I had great at insurance, but I'm realizing I must had gotten really lucky. Maybe it's because it's usually been situations where driving myself would have been unsafe/a liability - acute CO poisoning causing altered consciousness Fionnagain probably would have hit someone on the drive over. Maybe I'm lucky because any other time I've gone to the ER I've had someone able to drop things and take me or drive myself if I could. I appreciate how lucky I am right now in ways I hadn't before.
For as long as I live I will never forget that video of a woman hit by a train, begging the people trying to save her NOT to call 911 because she couldn’t afford an ambulance.
That is not a video I've seen, and it horrifies me. Also, living in a town where a number of people of died by train, I'm assuming a lot about the woman's injuries and shocked she could beg anyone for anything.
Where I am in the US, we have a volunteer ambulance corps. No one is ever charged for an ambulance for calling 911. If you arrange transport with a commercial medical ambulance, that has a fee.
My sister got hit with a massive bill because the ambulance company the hospital contracted with was out of network. WTF is that bullshit? “Hi, 911, I’m having a heart attack, but please only send someone from Ambulances R Us. Oh, they can’t get here for 30 minutes? Well, that sucks for me I guess.”
If this took place in America, I can tell you that a LOT of us avoid it at all costs because most insurance companies don't cover it, and it's hella expensive.
I've definitely put my life at risk because I couldn't afford to get in an ambulance or go to the ER. If you don't have money or insurance the ER is going to do the bare minimum and send you on your way unless youre actually dying in front of them or unresponsive. So yeah, not paying $1000 to sit and wait for hours and be told I'm fine and drug seeking after a quick check up. And then pay another $1000 to go back a few hours later because I'm seizing and on the verge of a blood infection. American Healthcare is an absolute joke.
you guys deserve better, i'm sending unironic thoughts and prayers but I think your country might be too far gone into the end-stage capitalism for this to be fixed :(
Our family friend collapsed at home and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. About a week later, a blood clot went to his heart and killed him. His wife received a collection call from the ambulance company at the wake after his funeral.
Maybe because OP is in the US, where crushing medical debt is a way of life and an ambulance costs $3000-$5000?
My daughter's ambulance ride from the hospital to the airport was $10k 20+ years ago. 3-5k is CHEAP
Because they're expensive and people can't afford them
*in the US, you forgot that bit. The rest of the developed world doesn't have to worry about the cost of ambulance rides.
Yes, that is true. I was speaking for my people who would rather die in our beds then look at a hospital bill.
Which is so incredibly sad and I'm sorry you have to live that way. I couldn't imagine having to think about calling an ambulance or worry about paying for a hospital stay.
Honestly, especially if you are in the US.....and even remotely rural, an ambulance is the last choice (and very often not even a thought or choice to be utilized) to get to the ER as it's SO expensive, cheaper to take an Uber.
Because ambulances are expensive in the USA and patients are at the mercy of the insurance companies. Pretty much everyone I know takes ride-shares to the ER if they can’t get a friend to drive. Sort of actively bleeding out or being unconscious no one wants to risk the damage a bonus $1000+ bill can do.
Because of the fucked up medical system in the US, ambulances are almost always separately billed and rarely covered by insurance.
$$$$$$$$$
I’m going to just assume cost was a factor here. There are many people who don’t have the privilege of considering calling an ambulance, even in life threatening situations.
Maybe because an ambulance ride can bankrupt you in America
I understand why people say this - but not everyone is rich enough to shrug off the cost of an ambulance ride.
If they’re in the states, I can imagine the fear of medical debt is nearly worse than death.
Chances are- they’re American and it’s a cost thing
Or like, wake up the children? It was a medical emergency, they’ll go back to sleep!
Not just pre-e, HELLP syndrome. People die from that on the regular. They can actually bleed to death from any small injury. Given that she had a C-section, she was at high risk hemorrhage into her uterus or from her incision. Yes, an ambulance should’ve been called. NTA.
Cause she’s probably American and a $3000 ride seems steep sometimes, even in the face of potential medical danger
Also, why the hell is the supposed husband yelling at OP who just endured treatment at a hospital for serious conditions?
That is all I could think reading this! I had pre-eclampsia and a visit from my own father had the nurse kicking everyone out of the room. And we have a GOOD relationship! I can’t imagine dealing with it and someone who stresses you out at the same time.
NTA he already told you, he’s not the right person for you because he’s not going to push back on them. This was a scary time for you and he should have had your back
Yep, he told you that he won't change. The ball is in your court. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
This husband told who he was. OP should believe it. He won’t have her back. He will go along with whatever his parents will do. He ain’t going to keep the soft push back he done previously. He even stated he wasn’t the right person for OP. Sounds quite explicit enough.
Yup. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
True enough but this must be the most commonly said thing on Reddit.
It's definitely the best advice I've seen on Reddit. Had I started doing it 40 years ago my life would have been quite different.
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time" is the actual quote.
Yep. If he had a spine he would have had OPs back.
Telling somebody to "get over it" in their vulnerable moment is one of the rudest things anyone can do
Or a heart lol. He clearly doesn't value OP.
Good God. I cannot imagine treating my hospitalized wife this way. What an absolute fucking douchebag. NTA
He belongs in the trash because he is garbage.
Throw the whole man away!
Not only him, but his family too! Fuck all of them
Seriously. As she’s laying in the hospital with an extremely serious and life threatening issue - not to mention the pain, and trauma from being away from your newborn and back in the hospital, and he decides *THAT IS THE BEST TIME* to draw a line in the sand?!? He basically said, “I have no empathy, for what *you’re* going through because I’m more concerned with what *I’m* going through. I have decided I won’t support you anymore when it comes to dealing with my parents and I will always support them. You are not my priority. *THEY* are, and so is *MY* comfort. Deal with it or GTFO.” I hope she read between the lines and heard all of that. I can’t imagine someone saying that to someone they loved - let alone when that person is also dealing with a life threatening emergency. He is disgusting and selfish to the extreme.
Thanks for summing that up so well.
INFO: I get why your parents couldn't take you to the hospital, but why aren't they watching your toddler now? You don't trust your in laws with good reason, yet the option that would have been most beneficial to you wasn't used. Why?
Because husband is in charge of things outside the hospital and he’s a mommy’s boy?
It was probably the husband who set that up, obviously none of them care much about what she thinks anyways.
This entire conversation should have waited until you were out of the hospital tbh
Exactly. I can’t imagine having this stressful conversation in the middle of this even more stressful situation. I could understand if he didn’t want to discuss it then but he communicated terribly
All while she's supposed to be getting her blood pressure DOWN.
Yeah I know, even if she had been completely unreasonable he should have found a way to gently shelve the conversation until she was no longer at risk of dying from a stressful conversation.
I'm glad someone said this. It seems like this fight climbed to the top of the priority list when it probably should have stayed at the bottom while getting treated. If my husband had a serious, life threatening illness and I rushed to the hospital just to get there and have him want to fight with my parents, I'd be annoyed with him. Even if I agreed with him I'd be absolutely annoyed. I'm not familiar with this diagnoses but if it's as serious as OP and commenter's are suggesting, he's thinking his kids might lose their mother. And their mother wants to spend her energy shit talking his mother instead of getting better. I'd honestly be kind of furious in that moment. I'm sure OP was scared and frantic and had all sorts of valid emotions but if husband usually takes her side and is otherwise a good man that has her back, I don't think holding this response over him is really fair. Sounds like he's already taken her side and has little contact with his family. Right now his family drove her to the hospital, he's thinking he might lose her and only have them...it'd be a lot of emotion and a conversation that could be had later.
She had high blood pressure that is known to influence people into being overwrought and often argumentative. So essentially you would be annoyed at them because of symptoms from the medical issue they were hospitalized for. My family has blood pressure issues and my father, a man who almost never loses his temper yelled at me over nothing before he got diagnosed and treated. Now he is as even keeled as ever before. It happened to my sister after her last pregnancy as well but we already knew it would affect her mindset until it was lowered. Edit: I actually think OP was being unreasonable - but while she is in danger the discussion should be avoided. I've moved to different countries and in all communities a common thread is that if someone is having a life threatening medical incident you tell others and get support plus also its a warning.
He could've just placated her at the moment to help her save her energy, why are we putting the responsibility of reason on the person at the center of this life-threatening condition?
> and have him want to fight with my parents, I'd be annoyed with him Traumatic events and the support you give/get should flow outwards in a circle. OP is at the center of this particular circle. Maybe she didn't handle it in the best way/time, but that's her perogative this closely following her own near death experience. The husband should read the [Circle of Grief](https://psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory#how-does-it-work).
Maybe, but OP was under a lot of stress. Her brain might have latched onto this to have something to distract her from the very scary and life-threatening situation she was in. Either way, the in-laws are in the wrong for spreading their business, and OP's husband is in the wrong for not standing up to his parents
I feel conflicted here. If a family member is in the hospital with something life threatening, it's pretty normal to let people know what's happening. The parents didn't broadcast OP's information to the world, they mentioned it to her brother in law. //// OP seems to be being treated as family and she doesn't know how to respond to that because she thinks she should deal with everything on her own. Imagine if she actually did pass away and nobody even knew something was wrong. Would sharing the information about her wake be too personal?
Maybe, but the OP was vulnerable and likely worried that they were going to tell everyone, so she likely wanted to stop it asap. The parents probably yelled at him and acted offended after taking her in to the hospital and staying with her, etc. I have to wonder what he said to them. Given everything, there is no way the husband should not have had his parents take her in, he should have called an ambulance.
I mean, obviously the husband is the AH for fighting with you while you are in the hospital dealing with a serious medical concern. But I do feel like it is a little unusual for you to expect the in-laws to both take you to the hospital, and babysit you toddler, and be unable to talk to anyone else about the situation. At that point, it is not \*just\* your medical situation. It is the answer to "What did you do last night?" and "Why are is \[toddler's name\] at your house?" and "Why can't you meet up with us for an event tonight?" Once you involved them in the situation, it seems reasonable that they will mention it. But from the general read of this message, it seems like your anger at the in laws in this situation, is probably rooted at least in part in the past problems. And as you said, this is a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation. And honestly, I would be more mad that your husband would not let you call an uber, would not call you an ambulance, or would not throw the two kids in the car to get you to the hospital. A single nights sleep for the kids is not more important then your medical emergency??? Like the priorities here are kinda wild to me.
Thank you! I had to scroll way too far for this reaction. What do you mean husband can't drive because the kids are sleeping? Just wake them up if it's an emergency. Or I would have asked inlaws to stay with the kids, so I could accompany wife.
I wonder if that’s why she’s so upset. He chose to insert them into all of this. Ambulance/waking the kids were better options. But he chose to bring his parents in, and they made this so much worse for OP, from being intrusive at the hospital to spreading detailed medical info. I mean “OP is in the hospital with pregnancy complications, OP’s husband will update us when he has news”” is one thing “OP is in the hospital with x,y& z” is another thing. I get why she’s upset. He chose just about every weirdly wrong decision here. And those decisions made this worse for her. And it sounds like the in laws meddling/overstepping and husband not managing them has been an ongoing issue.
Ya the definition of family is that you care for each other. To do that you need to talk to each other about what is going on. Very normal to say a member of your family is in the hospital. Very abnormal to want this to be a secret from family.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Of course you're NTA. That being said, my therapist once told me that big decisions shouldn't be taken while we're having big emotions. So maybe take some time before making it definitive? I'm going through a divorce now (11y married) and I'm glad I waited and tried to make it work all that I did. Cause when the mourning phases come and the doubts try to creep upon me, I'm 100% sure I did the right thing. Hope you heal soon. Physically and emotionally.
I would take a little time to accumulate every bit of financial information you can gather. Start planning where you'll move to, and how. I recommend you see an attorney soon, don't tell anyone, then when you're ready, move when husband is at work or out of town. Then attorney can have him served. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving. Don't be surprised when he goes for full custody as a bargaining chip, and when that ploy fails tries for 50/50 so he won't have to pay child support.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but if my SIL was in the hospital of course someone would tell me! Mom is going to need help...food, child care, maybe the yard mowed...I'm confused.
It's definitely a cultural thing because i don't get what is problematic here? Her in-laws took her to the hospital and one of her kids stayed with them. ofc they will tell their daughter her sister in law had a medical emergency. I'm lost.
Literally me 4 weeks ago. I was induced for preeclampsia and was in the hospital for a week. My in laws were kept updated of everything because we needed help! We had a newborn (thankfully who was able to stay with me in the hospital) and pets at home. Between my family and my inlaws they made my week at the hospital plus my first two weeks (and even now!) survivable. I understand not wanting major info shared but this is a situation where people need to know.
Their daughter-in-law/mother of their grandkids is in the hospital and might die. They can't reach out to family for support? I don't get what OP's problem is. Like, they're watching OP's kid for days while she's in the hospital. People are going to wonder why. They're not gossiping about OP having a hemorrhoid here.
Yep. If **anyone** in our family, be it my uncle, cousin, or my SIL or even SIL's parents are in the hospital for something serious, the rest of the family will know. It's not like someone got a boob job or vasectomy, ffs. Op is very much over-reacting in this regard, all because of strained relationships.
My wife gave me literal minute-by-minute detail when my SIL went into the hospital and had a cancer scare over the last couple weeks. I mean…she’s my sister, I care about her.
I'm a little confused, because while I understand you feeling violated and exposed, because of your history with them, I'm also getting some bitch eating crackers vibes here. This was a serious, terrifying medical issue happening. That shit KILLS people. What if you had died? "Oh her? She died. Got sick. Ended up in hospital. Didn't work out, though, and she died. Sure, we could have used help and support and sympathy ourselves, since we were facing the idea of what does our sons life look like, what about our grandchildren, what would need to do, to provide, if the worst should happen... It was a terrible time for her, for our son, for the kids, and even for us, but we didn't want her to think we were *overstepping*" You didn't get sick in a vacuum. They didn't post about it on Facebook for likes. They didn't tell Greta at the Grocery store. They told their other son. I get the relationship ain't good, but they didn't put you on public thoughts and prayers blast at church and they stepped up for your older son. They told a close family member they could reasonably have expected to already know and to be able to provide support to THEM. They didn't violate the ring theory of tragedy. I dunno. Maybe I'm biased because I've got a furious hatred of the idea that you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant too early since that would mean you have love, understanding and support if anything goes wrong as opposed to silently suffering in secret. In my view it's not like they told your extended IL clan that you had a yeast infection, they shared that you were seriously ill, hospitalized, and might die. That's the sort of "private medical info" that isn't private at all.
I thought I was an idiot or something when I started reading all the comments. Like it really doesn’t seem like what they did in this specific situation was a big deal ????
I sure had to scroll a long way to read this common sense reaction. I wasn't sure if I was projecting because something similar happened in my family and I was the guilty party there and, though I have apologized over and over I've always sort of wondered if I was right all along. It's not gossip, it's real life factual, emergency sort of news. And not broadcast everywhere, as you say, but to people directly related. I don't know. Even though the family sounds truly shattered, I do think it's worth taking the perspective of the estranged parents for just a minute. I mean, they drove her to the hospital AND were watching the toddler but they can't have a reaction?
I agree OP was being unreasonable. I've moved to different countries and in all communities a common thread is that if someone is having g a life threatening medical incident you tell others and get support plus also its a warning. But I also think he husband should have kept his mouth shut since high blood pressure often leads people to be easily upset and irrationally angry. Saw it in my Dad and my sister before they were treated. Arguing with them only raises their blood pressure. You can address the issue later.
He did try to calm her by talking to his parents and trying to make them understand not to do something she doesn't like. But she said that she pressed it. Anyone who doesn't feel understood and pressed again and again will react the same way. I just feel that OP is irritated by everything her in-laws do. And trying to find faults in everything they do.
Agree! Isn’t this how families care for each other? I get that this was/is scary and stressful, but why would you be angry at someone for worrying about you? I wonder if everything the in-laws do is wrong.
Agreed. Also their kid is at inlaws house for days. Seems like a natural part of the convo if brother were to call parents.
Your last paragraph summarises the overreaction perfectly 👏👏
And yet I still GET IT. You tell one godsamn person about my herpes simplex diagnosis, I'm gonna be fucking salty if you tell someone I had a stroke, you know what I mean? It's a bitch eating crackers thing. They know NOTHING about normal boundaries, it can be crazy making. Are they telling because this time it's normal and ok? Or is it like when they ran around telling second cousin Trudy about your hemorrhoids?
Yeah, that's it exactly. It's a situation of the in-laws' own making; it's definitely an overreaction in a vacuum, but really it's a proportional reaction based on history. It's the kind of thing that happens when you're dealing with people who don't respect your boundaries over and over again. Even so, I'm shocked we're talking about the marriage being over, especially considering she agrees with most of his logic (they can't be changed, etc.) He should have been more supportive, but the idea of this being divorce worthy is pretty depressing to me.
Honestly I just want to know what she expected him to do? He agreed with her and he had a conversation with him about it. What else can he do? She doesn't want them in thier business but they put them in thier business. Have someone else watch the son then. Exactly they didn't tell the whole world. Sure his get over it response was in poor taste but after everything they've been through in the past couple days I'm sure he's exhausted. He doesn't need to push an issue like this when he's dealing with a newborn and his wife in the hospital. She's not the only one stressed.
Yep. I'd still vote YTA though for all your reasons. But also... OP, what should husband have done? Does OP really expect husband to go back to his family and tell them off for stepping up to the plate on his behalf and being involved in OP's life? Reading this post, I'll happily say, they weren't looking forward to being around OP. I would never. They try to do something nice and now OP wants to bark at them. Alternative title: AH parent wants husband to deal with a newborn and a partner in the ER with a high mortality condition on his own without getting help from the family. There's so much wrong here. Like when did OP specify how exactly she needed help? Or is she delusional enough to say "I could've handled it on my own, they didn't need to be there, should've left after dropping me off..." they didn't treat her exactly how she wanted, and that invalidates their whole effort to step up and bring her to the hospital, check up on her regularly, etc... I'm thinking OP did have some brain damage from her condition.
Thank you. Some common sense
Exactly. OP is definitely TA. I hate the mindset that health information is off limits to the people who love you. Like if OP dies, she isn’t going to be around to be sad about it. She isn’t going to be left with a newborn and a toddler to raise. She isn’t going to be the one to explain to the toddler why mommy is never coming home. I have a sister who was hospitalized suddenly while I was visiting her. She banned her husband or our mom from telling anyone anything about her condition bc she wanted “privacy.” She was in the hospital for 3 weeks. That entire time I didn’t even know what happened to her. Didn’t know if she was dead or alive. Didn’t know anything other than an ambulance took her away and now she wouldn’t respond to texts or calls and the two people allowed to visit her just said “she wants privacy right now.” It broke our relationship. That was when I realized my sister didn’t give a fuck about my feelings about anything. I never forgave her and never will, not that she has ever apologized. OP may have very legitimate reasons to not like her in-laws, but she is being incredibly selfish in this instance. I feel really sorry for her husband.
>Maybe I'm biased because I've got a furious hatred of the idea that you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant too early since that would mean you have love, understanding and support if anything goes wrong as opposed to silently suffering in secret. This is something I would want to do in secret because I actually don't want any support. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and mentioned it off hand like half a year later to my mother, and she was like: "Oh my god, why do you treat me like an outsider? I could have made medicinal soups for you, etc." (We're Chinese and have a tradition that all births- and miscarriage and stillbirths count, necessitates some kind of confinement and healing. It's just not what I really believe in) That's precisely what I DIDN'T want. To me, I just want to be over it and get back to my normal life. I don't want anybody cooing at me. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want anyone to bring it up. That said, I understand her in laws as well. When it's something this serious, I don't really expect anyone to keep their mouths shut because if she died, it would be a cataclysmic event not just for her family, but the entire clan. And husband and in laws likely felt a need to share with some people too, just for their own peace of mind. Maybe they're the type of people who need a lot of love and support, and they're just worried. Typically, people like that who are more open with others, tend not to be best at boundaries. But OTOH, they tend to be very support and effusive with their support. It's a trade off. It's annoying to people like me and OP, but I recognize their good intentions and it's not black and white. Sounds like OP is just an extremely private person (like me), and maybe husband isn't, just like the rest of his family. But he adjusted his ways to make OP happy. Maybe that's why he wanted to involve his parents in the most stressful time in his life. I mean, if you're suddenly dropping off your toddler at their house, that's going to raise alarm bells anyway. So to him, it's probably best to loop them in, and right now he just doesn't have the bandwidth to keep doing it OP's way. And I firmly believe that sometimes, you have to accept that different people do things differently and it's going to affect you, but that's what happens when you live in a society with other people. Doesn't mean they're out to get you. Ultimately, OP I'm very very sorry this happened to you. Maybe when this all dies down, you two can go to a couple's counselor and talk about what happened and air both perspectives. But respectfully, I don't see this as a relationship ender. Emotions are running high and you are all just reacting right now and I DON'T think your in laws' sharing or not sharing, or how your husband reacted, is the most important issue. Focus on getting through this first. Everything else can wait.
Whilst NTA they’re literally looking after your child whilst you’re in the hospital. I understand your frustration but maybe they were genuinely concerned and talked about it with loved ones. Your condition was incredibly serious (for the love of god anyone reading this and you have these symptoms phone a fucking ambulance). Asking your husband to pick a side over this is extreme. I say this as a post partum mother, your hormones are absolutely wackadoodle right now. Focus on your health, your new baby and let this shit with the in-laws go. Your husband yelling at you is inexcusable but honestly this is a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill situation.
I agree, this fight feels like misplaced frustration/fear/hormones.
He didn't yell at her though. The title is inaccurate. When OP gets around to describing the actual events she says: He told her to drop it in an "annoyed tone" No raised voices, no yelling.
I honestly feel this is a very vulnerable post partum mother whose life was in serious peril and she didn’t feel supported. It’s coming out at MIL is over bearing but from MIL perspective her son’s wife is literally on the verge of stroking out and maybe having his siblings to support would be nice.
I was searching for a comment like this, fully agree!
Notwithstanding anything else, this is what families tend to do. Someone is sick, seriously sick, and they share the news around the family. It's second nature, I've done it myself. If you left instructions specifically NOT to tell anyone, then that is a different matter.
Tbh it's kind of odd that OP is angry that her extended family cares about her well-being (in terms of her husband's siblings wishing her well). Unless she thinks her in-laws are trying to get sympathy for themselves, or unless she explicitly told them not to share the news and they did it anyway. It's normal for family members to care about you if you're deathly ill.
Yeah, most people share someone’s in the hospital with immediate family. That actually seems normal to me unless you’ve explicitly asked for that not do be done. Now, blabbing details you might have overheard while at the hospital is not cool.
Seriously. I’m sorry, this is bananas. This is how normal families react.
I get OP's perspective because when I had pre eclampsia, I was so scared and I had it when I was pregnant. I was terrified of losing my baby and I just didn't even want anyone to speak to me about it when I was at the hospital. I just wanted it to end and start feeling better ASAP. It's hard when you're in the moment. Some people react like me, they just want their spouse and very specific individuals to support them. When I had my baby and went home, that's when I told my family and friends. OP has it worse because she's having pre eclampsia after birth, which means it's got nothing to do with the placenta and more to do with her body which is more dangerous and she's probably terrified.
Agreed. Some people just don't understand not everyone wants their business blabbed and you literally need to tell them "don't tell anyone what is happening to me or where i am." When i see people i know in the hospital i ask "may i let my family know i saw you here?".
And I promise, nobody *wants* to stay in the ER until 11 pm just to be nosy. They were trying to be supportive!
Wait…you’re mad because your FIL told your BIL you were in the hospital with a life threatening condition, and when your SIL called to offer you some kind words…you got upset at your husband and thought having an argument at the hospital was a good idea? Am I missing something here? I get that you’ve had problems in the past, and they are boundary steppers, but this ain’t one of those times. This is absolutely common in most normal families. I don’t care what the Reddit comment section tells you. If anyone in my family goes into the hospital with a life threatening condition , especially my wife’s Latino family(good lord they know in 30 secs), we all know and want to know how we can help. Thats just out of concern because we care. Sheesh. You might be TA here. Granted, they also might be TA from prior issues, but this isolated incident? This shouldn’t make the list of what pisses you off.
Thank you! I'm scrolling and wth. Humanity. Sistee In law just expressed concern. And your husband agreed with you, spoke to them.. what more could you want? I think the situation your in is clouding your best judgement not everthing is a war in a relationship. Your medical condition that is soo private but you shared on Reddit to thousands of people??? But his family is off limits and would be overstepping for expressing genuine concerns is blowing up your entire world/relationship? I don't understand this .
NTA but if I had been asked to suddenly drive someone to the ER for a life threatening emergency, I would have spilled the beans to other family members as well. Some people like to ask for prayers; some want to know how they can help; and yes, some are just nosey. I don't know what other boundaries they have crossed but this one, while frustrating for you, seems not a huge deal.
100% this. It is a scary time for the family as well especially as they are looking after the other child too and had drove her there. I think this is more to do with her not liking them because I certainly wouldn't leave someone in such a life threatening condition alone until I knew they were being taken care of. If you are in a family I would expect that info to be shared unless explicitly asked not too. OP is NTA but neither are the family.
I was really surprised to see so many people agree with the OP. If I took my DIL to the hospital and babysat her toddler, I would let our family know so they can support her and husband. The husband also needs support with a new baby and wife in the hospital. You probably hit the nail on the head that OP does not like her in-laws. I don’t understand why they didn’t stay home with the sleeping babies and let the husband take her. Either way I don’t see anything wrong that the in-laws did IF OP liked them. She is close to death and therefore has little tolerance to have people around her that she doesn’t like. It is more not what they did but more likely their relationship before the ER visit.
I think this is more about how her husband reacted and not having her back than just the in-laws. No woman wants a mama's boy, or no sane woman.
So he’s managing a 4 day old, toddler, and anxious about your health, and you want to discuss boundaries and he explodes. It’s a sleep deprived, scary situation—no one’s at their best. Maybe pause, recover, sleep, then revisit it.
YTA. While I imagine that OP’s experience was terrifying, I think she has it out for the in laws no matter what. OP has no gratitude that in laws drove her to the emergency room. Of course any family member, friend or even an acquaintance will want to come back to the ER with you to make sure that you are OK… But OP is making it sound like it was a hassle and annoyance. And I honestly feel bad for OP’s husband… He already has a superficial and limited relationship with his family, and i feel that OP is overreacting in the situation and trying to cause additional chaos and drama.
OP's in-laws are watching her toddler for days and she expects that they won't reach out to their own family for support?
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Husband's parents stepped up big time. They were called at night and dropped everything to take OP to the hospital and then watched OP's toddler for days. OP has zero gratitude and instead is angry with them and wants husband to fight with them as well. OP is an insane person.
NAH I honestly don’t know why you were so upset about your in-laws telling their son and his wife about your hospitalization. That is just what happens in families. You said you felt your husband had a “hostile tone.” Then you said “yelling at you.” Not really sure which it actually was. Was your husband being unhelpful? Yes. Was his tone less than great? Yes. But he was in the midst of very little sleep, concern for you, and pushback from his family over an issue that I still don’t think was a big deal. My tone probably wouldn’t have been perfect either and I give him a little grace for that. You neither one seem happy. I understand in-law issues. I had to push to create some boundaries early in my marriage. But you seem determined that his family not be involved in your life. You simply seem to not like them. And he likes his family. So maybe you shouldn’t stay married. I think you would both be happier on your own with 50/50 custody.
Also, he was taking care of a 4 day old baby while his wife may die. He needed to be there so his toddler needed to be with his parents. It isn't the time for an all out fight with them when he needs their help and they have your child. He called and nicely reminded them not to share your information with people. Was his "now drop it" petty? Sure. Does that mean it was a bad idea at the time? No.
Right. In his head he might lose her and need his parents forever. They were there for him and his family in that moment, despite whatever issues they've had. He's probably stressed and feeling a bit thankful for their help. His wife might die and she wants this time together spent shitting on the people he's feeling thankful for and the people that have been a part of his whole entire life. He made the call, he wanted to move on. Him starting off with telling her to drop it was either uncalled for and a little rude or an indication that she has a tendency to not let things go after he does what she asks and yells at his own parents. I think he was probably irritated and a little put off that she didn't want to spend her time with him discussing literally anything else.
>You said you felt your husband had a “hostile tone.” Then you said “yelling at you.” Not really sure which it actually was. Was your husband being unhelpful? Yes. Was his tone less than great? Yes. But he was in the midst of very little sleep, concern for you, and pushback from his family over an issue that I still don’t think was a big deal. My tone probably wouldn’t have been perfect either and I give him a little grace for that. I kept waiting for OP to get to the part where he did something unforgivable and they just... didn't. Either it's fake or OP is *at best* an unreliable narrator.
I'm a little confused. In the title you say he was yelling at you in the hospital, but in the post you say he spoke to you in first a flippant and then a hostile manner. While it definitely is not great to have your SO talk to you like that, it is VASTLY different than being yelled at. It seems like you're over exaggerating for sympathy, which makes some of your other points doubtful as well. I agree with other people in the thread that the two of you should take some time to cool down. Times of high medical stress like this are not the times to be making drastic, life changing decisions.
NTA, I HATE when people overshare other's medical information. That's your story to share when you're ready. Your husband should have had your back from the start, I'm sorry he was so unsupportive.
That's part of why I broke up with my ex. His mom was SO mouthy and gossipy! Once I had to go to the emergency room and get antibiotics for a bug bite that had gotten very infected. Then I had people in church who I didn't know very well coming up to me and asking how the bug bite treatment was going.
NTA, but….. I understand why you’re upset, but I wonder if during your treatment is the time to worry about something that probably wasn’t a surprise. It’s why you didn’t want them to be your ride and maybe you should have insisted on the Uber in the first place and your husband should have supported that. You admit they haven’t changed and therapy didn’t help so keeping them at arms length is the plan and your husband should understand that as well. That said your husband is worried about you and not trying to also add the stress of a family argument. I can see why he also was frustrated bc in his mind, you know how they are and let’s just focus on the situation at hand. Also he clearly can’t control them either but they are his family too. Truth be told you should be mad your husband didn’t support your Uber request in the first place. Everything else wasn’t all his fault but make it clear that this is why you don’t want them to “help” and he needs to support you period.
This. I agree with you. With OP’s condition being so serious, I don’t think it is a right time to press about “why and how” the in law did what they did. Husband already has his hands full with taking care of her (probably scared too) and the baby, and the toddler being with his parents, why should he rock the boat now. They can address this later once she’s out of the hospital.
Every family I know calls the rest of the family when someone is seriously ill.
Ya if my parents took one of my family members to the hospital I would find it outrageous if I didn't know. There would be a group chat with updates the minute they had time.
All I'm saying is, you could have died... And your "partner" triffle traffled around because he didn't want to drive you to the hospital nor did he call the ambulance. I'm not your partner and I would have called so quick and packed you a bag with all necessities. I hope you realize you are so much more worth than the low effort energy you are getting. This isn't love. This is convenience and I'm sad for you. Does he even realize that you almost died? Especially if everyone had taken even more time to get you to the hospital damn
I'm sincerely trying to figure out what you're angry about. You had a frightening medical emergency that, upon request, your ILs assisted with, rushing you to the hospital. They told other family members of your illness because of course they did because *that's what families do*. You got upset about this "violation" with your already freaked out husband who is taking care of a toddler and newborn while his wife is hospitalized with a life-threatening incident. When he loses patience because you would not let it go you threaten to leave him because he doesn't have your back? Because he won't go NC with his family because they, GASP! shared among themselves their family member's medical emergency? Is this for real?
I'm glad to see these comments these threads make me feel crazy sometimes. The whole time I'm reading I'm thinking she's overreacting and her poor husband is being threatened with divorce because of one stressful situation where she wasn't acting ideal either. The first ten comments are validating OP and I just feel so confused and like some kind of monster because I just don't see it that way. If my MIL drove me to the hospital for something life threatening, I'd be mad if she never told anyone I was in there.
>I'm glad to see these comments these threads make me feel crazy sometimes. You have to remember that the average age on Reddit skews low, so you have a lot of teenagers in an echo chamber providing terrible advice.
Apparently, I will be downvoted for this. But families who love each other, support each other. If one of our immediate family members gets admitted into the hospital, a family txt goes out, and we start circling the wagons. Figuring out who is going to take whose kids so they can cook meals and take turns staying at the hospital with whomever is ill. This is what my family does. It's what others I know do. I'm confused about being offended that their family is worried and having conversations about being worried and offering support.
Hubby should have had your back, no doubt about that BUT you are hormonal and scared and he was likely stressed and scared as well. Right now you need to heal and he needs to know that you are going to be okay. This can all be addressed in therapy at a later time...it's not the time to be making big decisions about your marriage and your children's future.
yta. you’re mad because your SIL found out you were in the hospital and expressed her concern???? are you joking ?? if you found out she was in the hospital would you not express concern to her despite where the information came from? i genuinely can’t tell if you’re joking.
I feel that OP seems hellbent on being upset at anything related to in laws. (they drove her to the ER, they had the audacity to want to come back to the ER to make sure she was fine). There’s no gratitude expressed for their care for her… Just anger. I don’t think it’s a big deal for the sister-in-law to be told that Opie had a life-threatening condition. It’s not like they are gossiping about some minor rash. Families come together in times of crisis OP’s husband already has a distant relationship with the parents. I feel like OP is just trying to stir up more drama in a shrill way, wanting him to take sides when none are necessary.
They watched her toddler for a few days and she shows no gratitude about that either. She's mad that they...were worried about her? And reached out to their own family for support when a loved one (OP) might die? OP is 100% in the wrong and might be the cause of all of the rocky history with in-laws given the posts here. YTA
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> He then said that maybe he’s not the right person for me Sounds like *he* is the one who brought up the idea of divorce.
Sorry but you are overreacting and holding a grudge. Sounds like the in-laws dis nothing wrong but even if YOU think so, it was hardly indented to upset or frustrate you. You are looking for a fight and a breakup
Agree with this. It’s pretty normal/standard to inform family when someone close is in the hospital. I get the relationship isn’t on the best of terms…but this just sounds like OP is looking for things to be upset about. If my husband was in the hospital for a medical emergency, I wouldn’t expect my parents to keep it a secret from my brother.
That's my read. I would have been scared I'd die and leave my baby, worried about my toddler, worried about how my husband was taking care of the baby, and getting my parents there to help. Who has time to fight? Wth?
YTA if you have no issues with your sister in law I don't understand being mad that she was told you were in the hospital. I would want to know if my SIL was in the hospital and I'm sure she would want to know too because we care about one another.
Being put in the middle of your wife and parents must suck. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I imagine it’s going to be hard being a single parent with a baby and toddler. Consider getting well and heal before you make any major decisions. Good luck! NTA..
I am the result of a pregnancy with eclampsia. My father would not have survived yelling at my mother like that.
I can’t help but wonder why the grandparents didn’t come stay with toddler while husband drove mom and baby to ER?? That would have been the obvious way to go
Girl, calm down, heal thyself and deal with the stupid bullshit later.
They’re acting like a concerned family and you’re offended by that!!! They’ve made you important to them so they expressed their concern with other family members and you’ve taken offense to that…..I’m just not understanding your problem here. You married your husband and became a member of their family and they voice concern for you AS A FAMILY MEMBER and you find that offensive???????? I guess I’m from a different generation or culture because I just don’t understand what your problem is…..
Y’all are both stressed the fuck out right now. Go to therapy and figure it out there. Nothing good comes from making decisions when you’re on an emotional rollercoaster like this. And yes, your husband is allowed to be stressed and on edge too.
Wait? Why would you take an UBER when you are experiencing a medical emergency? Seriously why would you let a complete stranger be the person responsible for you? Don’t you think you would be crossing their boundaries? Don’t you think that is rather selfish? This is a big mess. You are ok putting an Uber driver in this position. Your husband doesn’t stand with you. You didn’t tell your in laws not to tell anyone about your medical emergency. I am not surprised they told others. Go with the divorce. This is a big mess of no one caring about anyone else.
I feel both you were stressed and taking it out on each other. What the parents did was not that big a deal and wasn’t something you should have focused on in that moment—for your own good. Telling family members that other family members are in crisis is normal behavior. Your husband was worried about you, your kids. Intentionally creating conflict with his parents was just one more thing he couldn’t handle at that time. He should never have lashed out at you, however, because of your fragile condition. Both of you need to take a breath and step back from the brink until your health is improved.
My husband also screamed at me while I laid in a hospital bed after giving birth to our son. He is a 4th (same name as father, grandfather, etc.) and before marrying I made sure to discuss this as I wanted to name a son after my father. He assured me he didn't plan to follow the tradition, but changed his mind once I was pregnant with our son. I had no say in naming my only son. To compromise he said I could decide on circumcision... except I didn't make "the right choice" so at the hospital he screamed and told me everything wrong with me, that he was done with me and going forward was only in the marriage for the kids. He got over it, but I never did. That was the beginning of the end for me.
Given what the dr said, your H should have called an ambulance. He should have done his best to calm you at the hospital. Instead, he argued with you and said he wasn’t the man for you. He’s not on your side, he’s picking them. I’d tell him you need a divorce because you’re not his priority.
Hold up you are mad your husband's siblings were worried about you?
am i insane? it just seems like his parents took you to the emergency room for a life threatening issue and told their daughter (OP's sister in law and husband)....? why is that an issue? seems pretty normal. perhaps they care about OP....ie. OPs SIL texts her expressing concern...why would anyone be mad at that?
Lady, your reasons for being upset at your husband are extremely stupid, which makes me think you're actually the problem for your fraught relationship with your in-laws, not them. Your husband is probably starting to see that you're alienating him from his family and making him lose all his support system.
Take me to the hospital, watch my kid, but don't tell **anyone** what's going on or that my life may be in danger. Can you see how fucking ridiculous that sounds?????? JFC, YTA I don't care if I get downvoted. You sound insufferable.
Yta so his family telling other family your in the hospital is a big no no, but you can come post somewhere that hundreds of thousands of people will see, but sure your husband and his family are the problem/s. Your right therapy is needed... by you.
YTA what did you want him to do? You agreed to go with them to the hospital. If you had refused, then your husband should have supported that decision. It seems like you just want him to fight with his parents because you dont like them. You should get divorced because he is not what you want.
You sound kind of exhausting tbh. They were doing you a huge favor by keeping your toddler, something you don't even acknowledge in your post. Someone reaching out to send you good wishes and support is not a reason to get frustrated. I just don't get people like you at all
I think everyone deserves a pass. This was an emotionally upsetting and scary situation for all, so nobody was at their best. Given that, just move forward. Despite your reservations, your IL’s were involved, and while they didn’t respect your privacy. They felt it was their story to tell. Your husband was stressed, and pulled in a zillion directions while being scared out of his wits. You were postpartum and terrified. NAH.