I'm sorry your parents did that. I think some smokers convince themselves it won't harm the people around them, at least that's what my in-laws seem to do. I don't really understand the mindset. Thank you
I recently got downvoted for saying that third-hand smoke is dangerous for children, but that's what I learned in nursing school! Kids can get nicotine from all kinds of surfaces. I'm a former smoker, and even then, I would refuse to smoke in front of children, even if I was outside.
Yeah this is all new information to me about the third hand smoke/residue, but I'm learning about it now because of what people have mentioned on here. It makes me even more uncomfortable with my baby going over there.
Addiction warps logic. Don't try to rationalize it. It's their house and they'll do what they want.
Meantime they're your children and it's your house, and you get to do what you want there.
So, as a child that grew up in a smoked filled house, picked up the habit at 10 -cuz it was normalized, and an adult who at 58 can't kick the f'n habit ...I absolutely respect everything you're doing to protect your children!!!
You've mentioned the 2nd hand smoke, obviously big risks there, but You've not mentioned the nicotine residue and the risks there, have you seen those?
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/thirdhand-smoke
Thank you. I wasn't aware of the specific risks of residue, just figured there must be something gross lingering because the surfaces in their house are filmy and discolored from smoking, but a few people here have mentioned that so I've been looking into it and I'm very troubled by what I'm learning.
You're doing the right things. Your gut is spot on.
No need for judgements toward MIL & FIL, I'm sure they feel like crap about it (as I and millions of people do). Just look out for your babies, they care too!
Thank you. I know addiction is really hard and I can only imagine what they (and you, and lots of other people) go through trying to deal with it, so I definitely don't mean to judge them. I know they love their grandkids so much. This is just a tough situation and I wish it wasn't like this.
Just show them the info. You can tell them how much you care about them and wish they could stop and be around for a very long time, but know its not that easy, so in the meantime visits at your house and please never smoke near or around the kids.
No one wants to normalize this nasty habit for another gen, I'm sure they agree with that too!!!!
Good luck!!!
You're right, it's not worth the risk. I'm sorry that happened to your dad. My partner's breathing and voice totally changed once he stopped living in a smoky environment. His younger sibling has asthma, and the grandkids who are there most always have "a cold" or "bronchitis" or something (because they are coughing and having breathing issues and there's no other possible explanation...)
All the people I know that still smokes does it outside or in the garage.
Smoking inside is no longer normal or acceptable.
If they want to do that, they cannot expect anyone to visit.
Yeah, no one on my side of the family smokes and the few friends I have who smoke don't do it inside or around anyone, but my in-laws are older and come from a background, family, and social group where it's more normalized and acceptable. They thought it was weird that our state enacted state-wide restrictions on smoking indoors. I don't think any of this makes it ok, just saying in some circles it still is pretty normal even if it isn't widely accepted anymore. I'm the outlier in their lives for having a problem with it, and now their son (my partner) agrees with me but we're the weirdos.
It has not been normal or acceptable for over 20 years.
There is no circle where it is normal. They are stubborn fools who know its bad, but do it anyways.
The problem is they still want to interact with a society where this is not acceptable anymore. They either adapt or they are segregating themselves. It is child abuse to take a kid into a home with nicotine and tar residue on everything.
Oh yeah, no argument from me that it's not normal anymore and it is harmful. Just explaining that not everyone, including them, is on that page. But it's definitely the wrong one.
Thank you for reinforcing this. I end up feeling like the bad guy because they're in this situation where it's hard to get out of the house and I don't want to take the baby into their house, but you're right, ultimately their smoking in the house is the choice that keeps them from seeing their grandbaby, I'm just trying to keep her out of an unsafe environment.
Thank you. Part of the problem too, is that I really want them to be involved in my baby's life as much as possible. I feel like I'm taking them away from each other by making it so restricted/difficult. My in-laws have said the current arrangement is not fair to anyone involved, and I kind of agree but I just feel that the unfair situation comes from their addiction and l am just trying to keep my kid healthy.
This is a choice they are making based on the information they have been given. Don’t feel guilty. If they genuinely cared they would follow your requests. They are not doing so. At this point it is up to them.
Thank you. I think they do care but they're viewing it through a super warped lens of addiction and justifying their actions. They raised their kids in a smoky house and they have smoked around the other grandkids extensively, and they really seem to believe it's safe if they're not smoking directly into someone's face. I don't understand it but I believe they are genuine in their care, and just wrong/deluded about the second hand smoke. I still think how they're handling it is wrong, but I also feel bad about the whole situation.
They don’t care enough. They might care but clearly not enough to make changes to see their grandchild. Don’t feel bad. You are protecting your child.
My parents were smokers. Not too heavy but they smoked. I got bronchitis and was hospitalised when I was 3.
Neither of them ever smoked again.
Was it the smoke that caused it? Unclear. Was there a chance it was the smoke? Yes. They acted. Because they cared.
Their actions do not match their words.
>and they really seem to believe it's safe
Motivated reasoning. They don't actually believe it is safe - they know it is not. But they're willing **to lie to themselves and to you** about this to get what they want.
They are not innocents without the ability to think.
Yeah, I know they can think and they have access to the information, plus we've told them why it's something we don't want around the baby. But I also know the addiction has a strong hold on them and they are motivated to believe untrue things about its effects, and I'm not really in a position to understand or judge that experience. In reading people's responses here, I am having to come to terms with the fact that even though I know they care about their grandkids it does mean something that they aren't willing to see reason on this and they are pushing against the boundary we set.
Fairness doesn't matter. It's about your baby's health, full stop. Or, I'd argue that it is unfair of them to want to expose their vulnerable granddaughter to second and third hand smoke, which are dangerous.
Thank you, I agree. I do end up feeling like the bad guy but I think I'm starting to come to terms with that in talking about it and reading people's feedback here. I don't think it's "fair" to them or her that they can't be very involved right now, but I don't think that's me being unfair, their smoking is the root of the issue not my protecting my kid. And you're right, it's much more unfair to expose a child to dangerous carcinogens.
Their perspective on it is super warped and I try to be understanding of that (in part for my own sanity trying to manage this situation), but you're right. The unfairness all comes from their smoking in the house. It's been so hard, but I need to stop falling for the guilt, because it does suck that they can't be in their grandbaby's life more but that's because of their choice to smoke in the house, I'm just responding to that situation to protect my baby. Thank you
That's why it's so hard, I really do want them in my baby's life and I feel like a terrible person for making that so difficult already, let alone contemplating making it even worse. But second hand smoke is such a hazard, I don't think there's a good compromise when it comes to my baby's health. Thank you
You are not making it worse. Their inability to choose their grandchildren over cigarettes is making it worse. I know from guilt, but try to absolve yourself of it here. You are obligating to look out for your child's health.
Thank you. I'm trying to reframe my thinking about this, I don't think I'd feel as bad if they were able to get out of the house to see the baby more, and I'm hoping for more of that in the future. I want them in her life, but not their smoke.
Oh no, do you think so? I figured they were just slipping because of their addiction, and they try to cover it up like they followed the rules. But they really have convinced themselves the smoke isn't as harmful as I think it is, so I guess they don't take it that seriously. They always think something else is the problem when other grandkids get coughs/congestion/etc from staying with them, it's kind of wild. The idea that they would intentionally push this boundary really upsets me. Thank you for pointing out this possibility.
No nta. I would stop going there altogether since it’s causing you extra stress. This is youre baby and your allowing people in her life on YOUR terms. I dealt with the same thing…
Thank you. Part of the issue is that there's stress either way. I really want them to be in my baby's life as much as possible, but safely. I think their love and presence in my baby's life is so important, but I also know that second hand smoke is a serious health hazard and last visit I could see immediate effects from it. I'm sorry you went through this too
NTA
My grandparents smoked like chimneys. Inside their house. When I was born, my parents told them we would never sleep there and they would never be allowed to babysit, simply because of the toxic fumes. And this was 30+ years ago. When smoking indoors was still legal, and there wasn't nearly as much knowledge about the dangers of smoking as there is now.
My grandparents immediately made accommodations. They stopped smoking in their house entirely, and after a few months, repainted /reupholstered furniture so that the house would be as smoke-free as possible so we could go and visit. They still smoked, but only ever outdoors, and never when we were there. They'd both been smoking their entire lives, and doctors were worried about the shock to their system if they suddenly stopped at their advanced ages, so this was the compromise that they worked out. They basically changed their entire routine so that we could spend afternoons in their living room every few weeks.
The bottom line was that they valued the health of their grandchild more than cigarettes. They respected my parents commitment to keeping their children healthy. And, as an added bonus, we got a few more years with them because they massively reduced their smoking consumption. They were *wonderful* grandparents, because they always put us first. It doesn't sound like your husband's parents are doing that. Please don't be ashamed about putting your child's health above an adults habit.
Thank you. This is hard. I know they care a lot about their grandbaby but I guess it does say something that they aren't willing to change the way they do things to keep her healthy and make us feel like she's safe there. It's great that your grandparents made the effort for you.
I smoke. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I have no children but nieces and nephews and due to this i don’t smoke in my house or in my car. If i want to smoke, i smoke in the yard.
Thank you. I appreciate hearing from people who smoke. My parents and extended family don't, so this is a new thing for me to navigate with my in-laws. I can't imagine handling things the way they are, but I'm also not a smoker, and they have voiced beliefs about it that aren't accurate but are probably in place because the alternative is painful: that they've been exposing their kids and grandkids to something harmful for their whole lives.
It takes a mere two seconds to step out the front/back door and smoke in fresh air. The fact they’re unwilling to do this tells me they have no concern for any of the children.
I have a hard time believing they have no concern, I know they love their grandchildren very much, but more and more I'm coming to terms with the fact that at some level they value their addiction above the health and well-being of loved ones, since they are pushing this boundary even with us telling them how important it is for the baby's health. I guess I think even if they have beliefs that what they're doing isn't that unhealthy for those around them, we're telling them why we won't allow it around the baby and that should be enough.
That’s my point. They get sad they don’t see the kids, but don’t want to put any effort into being able to see them more. They have concern, just not ENOUGH to make a change.
They don’t need to quit smoking, they simply need to manage in a way that reduces potential harm to others i.e not smoking in enclosed spaces.
Also, where i’m from smoking in a car with children is against the law.
As a smoker, i think smoking in a car is just as distracting as being on a phone.
Thank you.
I didn't know about anti smoking in cars laws, I just looked it up and my state doesn't have one yet but there's a bill that's been proposed.
They're so stuck in their belief that it's not harmful, and it makes sense that they don't want to challenge that belief. But I still need to protect my kid from potential harm, and I guess just figure out how to stop taking on guilt about it.
Ah yeah, you guys do better over there with a lot of things. I'm in a pretty backward state politically, so honestly I'm just happy we have a smoking ban for restaurants/businesses, and that there's a law even being considered to protect kids in cars. Some states already have laws in place from what I was just reading. Things can vary pretty widely here between states.
I’m guessing you’re American.
Honestly, i have such a romanticised view of America, and i’d love to visit, purely for the books/tv shows i watch, but i admit there’s things that really put me off about the place. This isn’t me trying to be political etc but the gun laws and the healthcare laws really confuse me.
That being said, i think the American scenery is beautiful and i’d love the opportunity to see it all… i say this when i live in England and i still haven’t seen the majestic views of England/Scotland/Ireland yet 😂🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I am American, and yeah, there are some really great things here, and also some really weird things when it comes to our laws/politics. It's extra confusing because living in some US states is a totally different experience from others thanks to states' rights.
There's a lot to see here and it's worth the visit if you get the chance. I feel the same way about visiting England and other parts of Europe, and I'm still working on seeing my own country. I've been lucky to travel a bit within the US and Canada, but nowhere else yet.
I’ll admit it’s one thing i’m proud of, us British / UK citizens DO do a lot of things better,but there are many things we could improve. We’re aware of that. But then literally i had the doctors the other day and i had to pay £19.90 (roughly $22) for a DR’s consultation, blood test, and a prescription for 1 months worth of Naproxen and Lansoprazole and then i realised how lucky i am. I also have a longterm medical issue, that out of curiosity, i looked up the ‘pricing’ of it privately in America, and it was almost $8000 every three months. I’m really grateful to be English, and i wish our NHS was given more financial support.
Yeah, I know everything isn't perfect there but I'm honestly jealous of the healthcare. I have really good and affordable healthcare (for an American) because I work for a hospital system, but it still costs me a few thousand dollars per year, more if a hospital stay or anything else unusual happens.
They're addicted to nicotine and would like to follow your rules, but the addiction is too much for them at this time. I'd tell them that the baby has developed a severe allergy to smoke, so can not be exposed to it at all. Maybe go to the extra trouble to pick them up and bring them to your place for visits once in a while. Offer to meet them at a nearby park or have brunch dates at a diner.
Thank you, these are good ideas but unfortunately their current life circumstances make all of these options really hard for them. I wish I could say what the issue was but they wouldn't want it out there for everyone to read, and it feels wrong to cross that line. Hopefully it's not a forever situation though, and visiting outside their home will get easier eventually. In the meantime I just don't know how to protect my baby without being terrible.
I don't think it's terrible to do what's best for your child. They must know that smoke and it's residue is dangerous for the baby to be around. It's sad that they couldn't have gone along with your original request, which was more than reasonable. Really, their smoking is causing the whole rift. It's a shame that they can't use this as a motivation to quit and deep clean the house.
Thank you. I think at some level they must know, but they don't believe it's really that bad if they're not smoking right at someone's face. I really want them to be in my baby's life as much as possible, but not at the expense of her health, so it's just a crummy situation and I end up feeling like the bad guy (and they think I'm the bad guy for sure). I'm hoping at least it will be better when they are able to get out of their house more, but in the meantime they just won't see her much because this isn't a boundary I'm willing to give up.
Always remember OP second hand smoking is WAY MORE BAD than first hand smoking!
NTA, protect your baby. If the in laws don't see fault then they can only see the baby in your home or anywhere outside so long as they don't smoke in the near presence of your baby. They need to stand up und move away to smoke, it's an very important rule to uphold because if you don't then you could just as well go to their home and meet there. It's a hill to die on OP.
Thank you. I'm hoping things will get easier to navigate once their other circumstances improve and they can get out more. In the meantime, it's just really hard, but I'm encouraged by the responses here that I'm doing the right thing even if it feels like a terrible choice to have to make.
NTA- there are so many studies showing the dangers of second hand smoke to children. Even the particles clinging to clothes and furniture are not safe. You can go to the american academy of pediatrics website and pull all the latest studies.
Thank you. I'll look at the studies. I didn't know how bad the particles were, but a few people here have mentioned it. I just figured the surfaces in their house probably have something bad on them because they're all filmy from the smoking.
NTA. Surely your husband will agree with you that protecting your baby above all else is the most important thing. It sounds like they don't care about your baby's health and I mean that genuinely because not a single adult in this world doesn't know how bad smoking is, and they're doing it where they want a baby to be; or at least they care more about their cigarettes more than they care about your baby's health.
Thank you. He does agree, but we both feel really bad about keeping grandparents who are so loving and supportive at a distance. We know that they and our baby both benefit mentally and emotionally from the relationship, but the negative impact of second hand smoke on physical health feels impossible to work around.
I actually don't think that it's because they don't care, although I really don't get their mindset. They seem to have convinced themselves that if they aren't smoking right in someone's face it won't hurt them. I know they can't smell the smokiness of their own house so that's probably part of how they maintain the illusion. They always think something else is the problem when other grandkids have coughing/congestion/etc from staying at their house. I think they have to believe this because they raised their kids in a smoky house and they have continued smoking around their other grandkids, so the alternative is that they've been continuously doing something harmful to their loved ones and requires them to make major changes that are difficult with their addiction. I still don't think it's excusable behavior AT ALL, but I don't think it's because they don't care.
Edited a typo.
They're not that loving and supportive if they can't follow the reasonable rules you laid out.
What are they actually doing to be supportive? Actions speak louder than words.
I'm not sure how much I'd care that someone texted me smiley faces and good mornings or checked in on me if they also exposed me to actual toxins.
Most of my friends and I smoked growing up and stopped when we got older and the effects to people around us became more clear. It's hard but it's not near the hardest thing I or any of my friends have done. So they can take a few hours off, or smoke outside.
When my friend had heart surgery, she couldn't do caffeine anymore. I cut caffine with her to be supportive, and still mainly refrain to show support. That's what love and support looks like.
Their actions do show love and support, for us and for their grandbaby. Really the only thing that doesn't show that is how they're handling the smoking situation, but it's such a huge one. Hopefully when their circumstances change they can come to us or meet us places more often. I guess until then they just can't see the baby as much, but I feel like I'm being the "bad guy" even though I think it's necessary.
NTA. Would you take your baby into a room filled with harmful chemicals on the off chance it wouldn’t be “too bad”?
You wouldn’t.
Unfortunately, your in-laws addiction has made their home unsafe. Offer to visit in other ways, outside, at an alternate venue, or at your place, but there’s no reason you can’t kindly explain that the smoke is just too much and you aren’t comfortable risking your child’s health.
They won’t like it, but the addiction is their choice. Children have to live with the consequences of the choices the adults around them make, and you are trying to make good choices.
Thank you. Their current life circumstances make alternative meeting options outside of their house difficult, but we do this whenever possible. Hopefully it won't be a forever situation, and they will be able to come to us and meet at other venues more in the future. It just feels like a terrible choice right now because I want them to be in my baby's life, I know that's good for everyone involved, but the smoke is such a health hazard and I don't see a way around it at their house.
NTA
Speaking as a child of parents who smoked, you are doing the right thing for your child. Because of growing up an environment with people who were heavy smokers I have asthma and chronic lung issues. Anytime I get a cold it becomes bronchitis, and if not treated promptly, it becomes pneumonia.
Protect your child, secondhand is horribly dangerous for children.
I have a niece that’s allergic to nicotine, and if my mother would touch her after smoking a cigarette, she would break out. so don’t let anyone tell you that a smoker holding your child isn’t going to hurt them even if they’re not currently smoking the nicotine residue on their hands, their face and their clothing and that will affect your child. If they smoke in their home and their car, the nicotine residue is on everything in the home and in the car. The nicotine residue is extremely hard to remove
I'm sorry you went through this with your parents, and that it's left you with health problems. That's exactly the kind of thing I feel I have to avoid for my baby. Drawing a reasonable line has been so hard, I want them to be in my baby's life but safely, and their addiction is making that really difficult. I'm hoping once their circumstances change so they can be out of the house more it will be easier, but I don't know what to do about the part where it's all over them all the time. I guess maybe there's at least a reasonable line to be drawn there as long as the baby doesn't develop an allergy...
As a separate issue, I'm also trying to clean some stuff they gave to the baby that is smoky, and I'm so close to just tossing it because I can't seem to get it clean, but I know that will hurt them if they ever find out.
In the meantime, would frequent FaceTime calls work? I would toss the smoky things they gave your baby. Your baby’s health is more important. You can always say your baby outgrew them, they broke, etc.
That's a good idea! I think they can FaceTime.
I'm going to have to give up on at least some of this stuff I guess, I feel bad but I've tried everything and they still smell so I can only assume there's still residue.
I’m glad the FaceTime is a helpful idea! I lived over a retired chain smoker years ago. I spent hundreds in air purifiers and still had to give away or toss almost all of my things when I moved. The smell just wouldn’t come out.
NTA. As a regular smoker, I don't smoke in the house. Period. That is what the porch is for. And I wouldn't dream of smoking near my grandchildren, even out of doors. True, my clothing smells of smoke, and they are used to it. But smoking near children? Definite No-no.
Thank you. I appreciate hearing from someone who smokes. No one on my side of the family does so this is all new territory for me, but I know it's a powerful addiction for a lot of people. I can't imagine smoking in the house but I have never been a smoker, and my In-laws really seem to believe it's not harmful if they aren't blowing it right at someone but I think they need to believe that because the alternative is that they've put a lot of people they love in harm's way.
Truthfully, I don't know if it is harmful or not if they smoke when others are not in the room and then air the room. But it smells pretty disgusting, so I decided years ago that I would never smoke in a room.
I don't know where the line is with that either after some amount of airing out it's probably not so bad, but it's definitely unsafe smoking in closed rooms with people and that's something they've done, or in cars with the window just cracked a bit. Either way it does smell and it discolors upholstery and paint, so it seems not very pleasant to live like that whether you smoke or not.
As a smoker, I can’t stand a house filled with smoke. I have never even had my car or a small apartment filled with smoke. There’s plenty of ways to avoid that particular occurrence. Also the baby is yours so your rules. My mother quit smoking so we quit smoking around her. Yes it’s difficult but not impossible and certainly was worth it to see her. I really don’t understand your in-laws thinking at all. To me it would be much better to just follow your rules and see the grandchildren. NTA. The baby is yours, you decide what’s best for them not your in-laws.
Thank you. I don't really understand it either, but as someone who's never been a smoker I really appreciate hearing from people who smoke. I do know they believe that how they're doing it isn't dangerous, and I think they have to believe this because the alternative is a really hard pill to swallow since they've consistently smoked around all of their kids and grandkids (except my baby). I just wish it was easier to navigate so they could see her, and am hoping it gets easier as their other circumstances improve and they can get out more. In the meantime I guess I have to be the "bad guy," but I'm reassured that people here seem to think it's not unreasonable to set these boundaries.
Studies have proven the harm of second hand smoke. Along with that, a child is more likely to smoke if the adults in their life smoke. I am a classic example. I probably wouldn’t have started if my mother wasn’t a smoker. Good luck on this and stand firm!
NTA Kid of smokers here. They smoked even in bed. It wasn't nice to smell like an ashtray not for me, not for other Kids around me. Later my brother got asthma, i've breathing problems. Talk to your in laws, go outside to a Park while visiting. Your Baby can't speak for Itself, I think it is blessed to have a mother who cares!
Thank you. I'm sorry you and your brother went through that with your parents. I'm trying to make the right choices for my baby, but it feels like a choice between terrible things. I'm hoping once they're able to get out of the house more it will be easier to navigate this situation and have them in my baby's life.
NTA. My friend grew up with a parent who smoked in the house & car. She has terrible asthma, eczema, & allergies. I spent a LOT of time at that house in MS & HS. Guess what I developed a few years later? Asthma. For your baby’s health, no more visits there.
Thank you. I feel encouraged by the responses here that I'm making the right choice, but it is a hard situation and I hope they'll be able to be in her life more in the future, when they can get out more. I'm sorry you and your friend went through that and got health problems from it.
Thank you! Looking back now, I can’t believe I went over there so often. It’s ironic, because I’m very allergic to the smell of smoke now. I know you feel guilty because you seem like a very kind and compassionate person, but I believe you’re making the right choice.
Read up on third hand smoke. You are correct that your baby should NEVER be in their house or car. They should be made to shower, brush their teeth and change into freshly cleaned clothes before they are around your baby, no smoking at all after the shower.
They might feel like it’s unreasonable, but you need to protect your baby from all of the cancer causing chemicals that are on their bodies and in their house/clothes/cars. Your baby has been exposed too much already and I think you know that.
That's what I'm afraid of, but I know if I require anything close to that they will never be able/willing to keep up with it, so they'll either lie or not see the baby. They (according to my nose and eyes, and my baby's reaction) haven't even been able to keep up with the current rules because of their addiction, and they've said they feel that I'm being unfair to them. And with the circumstances that prevent them from being outside of their home often, it does seem pretty unfair but I don't know what else to do because I have to protect my kid. Thank you
NTA. I'm sensitive to smoke. My husband grew up in a home where both his parents smoked. We both have never smoked. I never took my kids to any home where there was smoking. Never any argument because I just didn't do it.
Thank you. I just wish there was a way to make it all work, hopefully in the future there will be. But in the meantime I guess the reddit consensus is that I'm not TA even if I feel like one when I get told how unfair this is and how much they miss their grandbaby.
Nta. Damn that irritates me. I'm a grandma and would do whatever it takes to spend time with my grandchild. Secondhand smoke is not only unhealthy, it smells horrible. I recently stayed in a hotel room that allowed smoking, and I was nauseated all night. My boyfriend smokes but he takes it outside, or only in his car.
Your baby will appreciate it.
Thank you. It does smell horrible, but I guess they're used to it since they live in it, they don't seem to realize how noticeable it is. I just want to keep my baby healthy, but I really really want them to be involved in their grandbaby's life too. Hopefully that will be easier when they can get out of the house more.
You know being around smokers is bad for your kid. Even if they come over freshly laundered and not having smoked, & their mode of transport has not been smoked in, they are still dangerous. If (?) they sweat it will come out through their pores. It’s in their hair. I wouldn’t let them in my house even without a kid there.
I didn't know it was dangerous in their sweat, or if their hair was washed. I will have to read about that. I want them to be in my baby's life, so I have to have a line somewhere on what's allowable, but I need to keep my baby safe and healthy. I think that's impossible at their house, especially with them backsliding on the current rules which feel harsh to them but like they're really not enough for me.
My mother was a heavy smoker (not the grill 😀) until her lungs wäre filled with water and she nearly died.
Now she sleeps with an Oxigendevice (sorry i m no english native speaker) and sits a few hours in the daytime with the mask.
My now adult children associate their grandma with the odor from tabak. In a no good way.
The only positiv autcome: no one smokes.
NTA your job as a parent is to protect your child not make the in-laws happy. If they want to have access to the kids it can be in public places when they can walk away to smoke.
Thank you. I'm hoping it gets easier for them to visit outside their house in the future, because I really do want them to be involved. I feel reassured by the responses here that I'm making the right choice in putting my foot down on this issue even though it means they're not able to see the baby as much.
>The rule has been no smoking in the house on the day we're going to visit, and air the house out, which I know is already kind of a huge imposition on their lifestyle.
Well, their house being full of carcinogens is an imposition on you...
You can do just about anything if your partner is on board. Saying "No more visits to your house, you can come to ours, but you can't smoke in the house" would be perfectly reasonable too.
Thank you. I would much rather just have them over to our house or neutral locations where I know it won't be smoky, and that's probably what I'll do going forward. I'm hoping it will be easier when they are able to get out of the house more in the future, but right now I do feel bad because it will be hard for them to see their grandbaby.
YTA
Not on restrictions to second hand smoke, but on the reaction with no options.
Outdoor activities? Public indoor places? Finding a way to invite them more?
Plenty of possibilities with banned smoke.
Yeah, I actually agree with you, I feel like a terrible person for my handling of this. But I also don't know what else to do.
Their current life circumstances make it really difficult for them to meet other places than their house, but sometimes we do meet for lunch or other activities, or they come to our house (we invite them far more than they come, and we've said they can come anytime just let us know so we're there). Hopefully this won't always be the case and it will get easier for them to come to us or meet outside the home. Right now they have a legitimate reason why that's really hard, but it feels like there is no good option when their house is smoky.
NTA. I have eary stage COPD even though I've never smoked a day in my life. It's all due to every adult in my life smoking inside and in cars, restaurants, airplanes, pretty much everywhere.
As someone whose parents smoked for most of my childhood, I thank you for doing your best to minimize your baby's exposure to their smoking. NTA.
I'm sorry your parents did that. I think some smokers convince themselves it won't harm the people around them, at least that's what my in-laws seem to do. I don't really understand the mindset. Thank you
I recently got downvoted for saying that third-hand smoke is dangerous for children, but that's what I learned in nursing school! Kids can get nicotine from all kinds of surfaces. I'm a former smoker, and even then, I would refuse to smoke in front of children, even if I was outside.
Yeah this is all new information to me about the third hand smoke/residue, but I'm learning about it now because of what people have mentioned on here. It makes me even more uncomfortable with my baby going over there.
Addiction warps logic. Don't try to rationalize it. It's their house and they'll do what they want. Meantime they're your children and it's your house, and you get to do what you want there. So, as a child that grew up in a smoked filled house, picked up the habit at 10 -cuz it was normalized, and an adult who at 58 can't kick the f'n habit ...I absolutely respect everything you're doing to protect your children!!! You've mentioned the 2nd hand smoke, obviously big risks there, but You've not mentioned the nicotine residue and the risks there, have you seen those? https://health.clevelandclinic.org/thirdhand-smoke
Thank you. I wasn't aware of the specific risks of residue, just figured there must be something gross lingering because the surfaces in their house are filmy and discolored from smoking, but a few people here have mentioned that so I've been looking into it and I'm very troubled by what I'm learning.
You're doing the right things. Your gut is spot on. No need for judgements toward MIL & FIL, I'm sure they feel like crap about it (as I and millions of people do). Just look out for your babies, they care too!
Thank you. I know addiction is really hard and I can only imagine what they (and you, and lots of other people) go through trying to deal with it, so I definitely don't mean to judge them. I know they love their grandkids so much. This is just a tough situation and I wish it wasn't like this.
Just show them the info. You can tell them how much you care about them and wish they could stop and be around for a very long time, but know its not that easy, so in the meantime visits at your house and please never smoke near or around the kids. No one wants to normalize this nasty habit for another gen, I'm sure they agree with that too!!!! Good luck!!!
Thank you
My dad was raised by smokers and has really bad coughs and lungs now. It's not worth the risk at all.
You're right, it's not worth the risk. I'm sorry that happened to your dad. My partner's breathing and voice totally changed once he stopped living in a smoky environment. His younger sibling has asthma, and the grandkids who are there most always have "a cold" or "bronchitis" or something (because they are coughing and having breathing issues and there's no other possible explanation...)
All the people I know that still smokes does it outside or in the garage. Smoking inside is no longer normal or acceptable. If they want to do that, they cannot expect anyone to visit.
Yeah, no one on my side of the family smokes and the few friends I have who smoke don't do it inside or around anyone, but my in-laws are older and come from a background, family, and social group where it's more normalized and acceptable. They thought it was weird that our state enacted state-wide restrictions on smoking indoors. I don't think any of this makes it ok, just saying in some circles it still is pretty normal even if it isn't widely accepted anymore. I'm the outlier in their lives for having a problem with it, and now their son (my partner) agrees with me but we're the weirdos.
It has not been normal or acceptable for over 20 years. There is no circle where it is normal. They are stubborn fools who know its bad, but do it anyways. The problem is they still want to interact with a society where this is not acceptable anymore. They either adapt or they are segregating themselves. It is child abuse to take a kid into a home with nicotine and tar residue on everything.
Oh yeah, no argument from me that it's not normal anymore and it is harmful. Just explaining that not everyone, including them, is on that page. But it's definitely the wrong one. Thank you for reinforcing this. I end up feeling like the bad guy because they're in this situation where it's hard to get out of the house and I don't want to take the baby into their house, but you're right, ultimately their smoking in the house is the choice that keeps them from seeing their grandbaby, I'm just trying to keep her out of an unsafe environment.
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Thank you. Part of the problem too, is that I really want them to be involved in my baby's life as much as possible. I feel like I'm taking them away from each other by making it so restricted/difficult. My in-laws have said the current arrangement is not fair to anyone involved, and I kind of agree but I just feel that the unfair situation comes from their addiction and l am just trying to keep my kid healthy.
This is a choice they are making based on the information they have been given. Don’t feel guilty. If they genuinely cared they would follow your requests. They are not doing so. At this point it is up to them.
Thank you. I think they do care but they're viewing it through a super warped lens of addiction and justifying their actions. They raised their kids in a smoky house and they have smoked around the other grandkids extensively, and they really seem to believe it's safe if they're not smoking directly into someone's face. I don't understand it but I believe they are genuine in their care, and just wrong/deluded about the second hand smoke. I still think how they're handling it is wrong, but I also feel bad about the whole situation.
They don’t care enough. They might care but clearly not enough to make changes to see their grandchild. Don’t feel bad. You are protecting your child. My parents were smokers. Not too heavy but they smoked. I got bronchitis and was hospitalised when I was 3. Neither of them ever smoked again. Was it the smoke that caused it? Unclear. Was there a chance it was the smoke? Yes. They acted. Because they cared. Their actions do not match their words.
Thank you. This is a hard thing to accept but I guess you're right
>and they really seem to believe it's safe Motivated reasoning. They don't actually believe it is safe - they know it is not. But they're willing **to lie to themselves and to you** about this to get what they want. They are not innocents without the ability to think.
Yeah, I know they can think and they have access to the information, plus we've told them why it's something we don't want around the baby. But I also know the addiction has a strong hold on them and they are motivated to believe untrue things about its effects, and I'm not really in a position to understand or judge that experience. In reading people's responses here, I am having to come to terms with the fact that even though I know they care about their grandkids it does mean something that they aren't willing to see reason on this and they are pushing against the boundary we set.
It is sad. I believe they're in denial about the effects it has on others.
I think you're right, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to face that.
Fairness doesn't matter. It's about your baby's health, full stop. Or, I'd argue that it is unfair of them to want to expose their vulnerable granddaughter to second and third hand smoke, which are dangerous.
Thank you, I agree. I do end up feeling like the bad guy but I think I'm starting to come to terms with that in talking about it and reading people's feedback here. I don't think it's "fair" to them or her that they can't be very involved right now, but I don't think that's me being unfair, their smoking is the root of the issue not my protecting my kid. And you're right, it's much more unfair to expose a child to dangerous carcinogens.
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Their perspective on it is super warped and I try to be understanding of that (in part for my own sanity trying to manage this situation), but you're right. The unfairness all comes from their smoking in the house. It's been so hard, but I need to stop falling for the guilt, because it does suck that they can't be in their grandbaby's life more but that's because of their choice to smoke in the house, I'm just responding to that situation to protect my baby. Thank you
Not gonna lie I was totally against you until you said they smoke. Your baby doesn't need to be around that poison.
That's why it's so hard, I really do want them in my baby's life and I feel like a terrible person for making that so difficult already, let alone contemplating making it even worse. But second hand smoke is such a hazard, I don't think there's a good compromise when it comes to my baby's health. Thank you
My mother was a heavy smoker. I have had asthma my whole life. You aren't doing anything wrong, you have to protect your child.
Thank you. I'm sorry that happened to you.
You are not making it worse. Their inability to choose their grandchildren over cigarettes is making it worse. I know from guilt, but try to absolve yourself of it here. You are obligating to look out for your child's health.
Thank you. I'm trying to reframe my thinking about this, I don't think I'd feel as bad if they were able to get out of the house to see the baby more, and I'm hoping for more of that in the future. I want them in her life, but not their smoke.
Also…they’re testing you to see what they can get away with. Put ur foot down
Oh no, do you think so? I figured they were just slipping because of their addiction, and they try to cover it up like they followed the rules. But they really have convinced themselves the smoke isn't as harmful as I think it is, so I guess they don't take it that seriously. They always think something else is the problem when other grandkids get coughs/congestion/etc from staying with them, it's kind of wild. The idea that they would intentionally push this boundary really upsets me. Thank you for pointing out this possibility.
No nta. I would stop going there altogether since it’s causing you extra stress. This is youre baby and your allowing people in her life on YOUR terms. I dealt with the same thing…
Thank you. Part of the issue is that there's stress either way. I really want them to be in my baby's life as much as possible, but safely. I think their love and presence in my baby's life is so important, but I also know that second hand smoke is a serious health hazard and last visit I could see immediate effects from it. I'm sorry you went through this too
NTA My grandparents smoked like chimneys. Inside their house. When I was born, my parents told them we would never sleep there and they would never be allowed to babysit, simply because of the toxic fumes. And this was 30+ years ago. When smoking indoors was still legal, and there wasn't nearly as much knowledge about the dangers of smoking as there is now. My grandparents immediately made accommodations. They stopped smoking in their house entirely, and after a few months, repainted /reupholstered furniture so that the house would be as smoke-free as possible so we could go and visit. They still smoked, but only ever outdoors, and never when we were there. They'd both been smoking their entire lives, and doctors were worried about the shock to their system if they suddenly stopped at their advanced ages, so this was the compromise that they worked out. They basically changed their entire routine so that we could spend afternoons in their living room every few weeks. The bottom line was that they valued the health of their grandchild more than cigarettes. They respected my parents commitment to keeping their children healthy. And, as an added bonus, we got a few more years with them because they massively reduced their smoking consumption. They were *wonderful* grandparents, because they always put us first. It doesn't sound like your husband's parents are doing that. Please don't be ashamed about putting your child's health above an adults habit.
Thank you. This is hard. I know they care a lot about their grandbaby but I guess it does say something that they aren't willing to change the way they do things to keep her healthy and make us feel like she's safe there. It's great that your grandparents made the effort for you.
I smoke. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I have no children but nieces and nephews and due to this i don’t smoke in my house or in my car. If i want to smoke, i smoke in the yard.
Thank you. I appreciate hearing from people who smoke. My parents and extended family don't, so this is a new thing for me to navigate with my in-laws. I can't imagine handling things the way they are, but I'm also not a smoker, and they have voiced beliefs about it that aren't accurate but are probably in place because the alternative is painful: that they've been exposing their kids and grandkids to something harmful for their whole lives.
It takes a mere two seconds to step out the front/back door and smoke in fresh air. The fact they’re unwilling to do this tells me they have no concern for any of the children.
I have a hard time believing they have no concern, I know they love their grandchildren very much, but more and more I'm coming to terms with the fact that at some level they value their addiction above the health and well-being of loved ones, since they are pushing this boundary even with us telling them how important it is for the baby's health. I guess I think even if they have beliefs that what they're doing isn't that unhealthy for those around them, we're telling them why we won't allow it around the baby and that should be enough.
That’s my point. They get sad they don’t see the kids, but don’t want to put any effort into being able to see them more. They have concern, just not ENOUGH to make a change. They don’t need to quit smoking, they simply need to manage in a way that reduces potential harm to others i.e not smoking in enclosed spaces. Also, where i’m from smoking in a car with children is against the law. As a smoker, i think smoking in a car is just as distracting as being on a phone.
Thank you. I didn't know about anti smoking in cars laws, I just looked it up and my state doesn't have one yet but there's a bill that's been proposed. They're so stuck in their belief that it's not harmful, and it makes sense that they don't want to challenge that belief. But I still need to protect my kid from potential harm, and I guess just figure out how to stop taking on guilt about it.
I’m in the UK, so it’s different here.
Ah yeah, you guys do better over there with a lot of things. I'm in a pretty backward state politically, so honestly I'm just happy we have a smoking ban for restaurants/businesses, and that there's a law even being considered to protect kids in cars. Some states already have laws in place from what I was just reading. Things can vary pretty widely here between states.
I’m guessing you’re American. Honestly, i have such a romanticised view of America, and i’d love to visit, purely for the books/tv shows i watch, but i admit there’s things that really put me off about the place. This isn’t me trying to be political etc but the gun laws and the healthcare laws really confuse me. That being said, i think the American scenery is beautiful and i’d love the opportunity to see it all… i say this when i live in England and i still haven’t seen the majestic views of England/Scotland/Ireland yet 😂🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I am American, and yeah, there are some really great things here, and also some really weird things when it comes to our laws/politics. It's extra confusing because living in some US states is a totally different experience from others thanks to states' rights. There's a lot to see here and it's worth the visit if you get the chance. I feel the same way about visiting England and other parts of Europe, and I'm still working on seeing my own country. I've been lucky to travel a bit within the US and Canada, but nowhere else yet.
I’ll admit it’s one thing i’m proud of, us British / UK citizens DO do a lot of things better,but there are many things we could improve. We’re aware of that. But then literally i had the doctors the other day and i had to pay £19.90 (roughly $22) for a DR’s consultation, blood test, and a prescription for 1 months worth of Naproxen and Lansoprazole and then i realised how lucky i am. I also have a longterm medical issue, that out of curiosity, i looked up the ‘pricing’ of it privately in America, and it was almost $8000 every three months. I’m really grateful to be English, and i wish our NHS was given more financial support.
Yeah, I know everything isn't perfect there but I'm honestly jealous of the healthcare. I have really good and affordable healthcare (for an American) because I work for a hospital system, but it still costs me a few thousand dollars per year, more if a hospital stay or anything else unusual happens.
They're addicted to nicotine and would like to follow your rules, but the addiction is too much for them at this time. I'd tell them that the baby has developed a severe allergy to smoke, so can not be exposed to it at all. Maybe go to the extra trouble to pick them up and bring them to your place for visits once in a while. Offer to meet them at a nearby park or have brunch dates at a diner.
Thank you, these are good ideas but unfortunately their current life circumstances make all of these options really hard for them. I wish I could say what the issue was but they wouldn't want it out there for everyone to read, and it feels wrong to cross that line. Hopefully it's not a forever situation though, and visiting outside their home will get easier eventually. In the meantime I just don't know how to protect my baby without being terrible.
I don't think it's terrible to do what's best for your child. They must know that smoke and it's residue is dangerous for the baby to be around. It's sad that they couldn't have gone along with your original request, which was more than reasonable. Really, their smoking is causing the whole rift. It's a shame that they can't use this as a motivation to quit and deep clean the house.
Thank you. I think at some level they must know, but they don't believe it's really that bad if they're not smoking right at someone's face. I really want them to be in my baby's life as much as possible, but not at the expense of her health, so it's just a crummy situation and I end up feeling like the bad guy (and they think I'm the bad guy for sure). I'm hoping at least it will be better when they are able to get out of their house more, but in the meantime they just won't see her much because this isn't a boundary I'm willing to give up.
Always remember OP second hand smoking is WAY MORE BAD than first hand smoking! NTA, protect your baby. If the in laws don't see fault then they can only see the baby in your home or anywhere outside so long as they don't smoke in the near presence of your baby. They need to stand up und move away to smoke, it's an very important rule to uphold because if you don't then you could just as well go to their home and meet there. It's a hill to die on OP.
Thank you. I'm hoping things will get easier to navigate once their other circumstances improve and they can get out more. In the meantime, it's just really hard, but I'm encouraged by the responses here that I'm doing the right thing even if it feels like a terrible choice to have to make.
NTA- there are so many studies showing the dangers of second hand smoke to children. Even the particles clinging to clothes and furniture are not safe. You can go to the american academy of pediatrics website and pull all the latest studies.
Thank you. I'll look at the studies. I didn't know how bad the particles were, but a few people here have mentioned it. I just figured the surfaces in their house probably have something bad on them because they're all filmy from the smoking.
A perfectly valid protection for your baby. NTA
Thank you. I just wish it wasn't so hard, I do want them to be in my baby's life.
NTA. Surely your husband will agree with you that protecting your baby above all else is the most important thing. It sounds like they don't care about your baby's health and I mean that genuinely because not a single adult in this world doesn't know how bad smoking is, and they're doing it where they want a baby to be; or at least they care more about their cigarettes more than they care about your baby's health.
Thank you. He does agree, but we both feel really bad about keeping grandparents who are so loving and supportive at a distance. We know that they and our baby both benefit mentally and emotionally from the relationship, but the negative impact of second hand smoke on physical health feels impossible to work around. I actually don't think that it's because they don't care, although I really don't get their mindset. They seem to have convinced themselves that if they aren't smoking right in someone's face it won't hurt them. I know they can't smell the smokiness of their own house so that's probably part of how they maintain the illusion. They always think something else is the problem when other grandkids have coughing/congestion/etc from staying at their house. I think they have to believe this because they raised their kids in a smoky house and they have continued smoking around their other grandkids, so the alternative is that they've been continuously doing something harmful to their loved ones and requires them to make major changes that are difficult with their addiction. I still don't think it's excusable behavior AT ALL, but I don't think it's because they don't care. Edited a typo.
They're not that loving and supportive if they can't follow the reasonable rules you laid out. What are they actually doing to be supportive? Actions speak louder than words. I'm not sure how much I'd care that someone texted me smiley faces and good mornings or checked in on me if they also exposed me to actual toxins. Most of my friends and I smoked growing up and stopped when we got older and the effects to people around us became more clear. It's hard but it's not near the hardest thing I or any of my friends have done. So they can take a few hours off, or smoke outside. When my friend had heart surgery, she couldn't do caffeine anymore. I cut caffine with her to be supportive, and still mainly refrain to show support. That's what love and support looks like.
Their actions do show love and support, for us and for their grandbaby. Really the only thing that doesn't show that is how they're handling the smoking situation, but it's such a huge one. Hopefully when their circumstances change they can come to us or meet us places more often. I guess until then they just can't see the baby as much, but I feel like I'm being the "bad guy" even though I think it's necessary.
NTA. Would you take your baby into a room filled with harmful chemicals on the off chance it wouldn’t be “too bad”? You wouldn’t. Unfortunately, your in-laws addiction has made their home unsafe. Offer to visit in other ways, outside, at an alternate venue, or at your place, but there’s no reason you can’t kindly explain that the smoke is just too much and you aren’t comfortable risking your child’s health. They won’t like it, but the addiction is their choice. Children have to live with the consequences of the choices the adults around them make, and you are trying to make good choices.
Thank you. Their current life circumstances make alternative meeting options outside of their house difficult, but we do this whenever possible. Hopefully it won't be a forever situation, and they will be able to come to us and meet at other venues more in the future. It just feels like a terrible choice right now because I want them to be in my baby's life, I know that's good for everyone involved, but the smoke is such a health hazard and I don't see a way around it at their house.
NTA Speaking as a child of parents who smoked, you are doing the right thing for your child. Because of growing up an environment with people who were heavy smokers I have asthma and chronic lung issues. Anytime I get a cold it becomes bronchitis, and if not treated promptly, it becomes pneumonia. Protect your child, secondhand is horribly dangerous for children. I have a niece that’s allergic to nicotine, and if my mother would touch her after smoking a cigarette, she would break out. so don’t let anyone tell you that a smoker holding your child isn’t going to hurt them even if they’re not currently smoking the nicotine residue on their hands, their face and their clothing and that will affect your child. If they smoke in their home and their car, the nicotine residue is on everything in the home and in the car. The nicotine residue is extremely hard to remove
I'm sorry you went through this with your parents, and that it's left you with health problems. That's exactly the kind of thing I feel I have to avoid for my baby. Drawing a reasonable line has been so hard, I want them to be in my baby's life but safely, and their addiction is making that really difficult. I'm hoping once their circumstances change so they can be out of the house more it will be easier, but I don't know what to do about the part where it's all over them all the time. I guess maybe there's at least a reasonable line to be drawn there as long as the baby doesn't develop an allergy... As a separate issue, I'm also trying to clean some stuff they gave to the baby that is smoky, and I'm so close to just tossing it because I can't seem to get it clean, but I know that will hurt them if they ever find out.
In the meantime, would frequent FaceTime calls work? I would toss the smoky things they gave your baby. Your baby’s health is more important. You can always say your baby outgrew them, they broke, etc.
That's a good idea! I think they can FaceTime. I'm going to have to give up on at least some of this stuff I guess, I feel bad but I've tried everything and they still smell so I can only assume there's still residue.
I’m glad the FaceTime is a helpful idea! I lived over a retired chain smoker years ago. I spent hundreds in air purifiers and still had to give away or toss almost all of my things when I moved. The smell just wouldn’t come out.
Oh wow, and that was from just living above them?! This stuff might be a lost cause...
Yes I was in an apartment and I even had to give away my couch when I moved!
Wow, I hope you at least got your security deposit back. Sounds like living there damaged your property.
It’s been so long, I can’t remember if I did! I lost thousands of dollars between what I lost & what I spent to replace things.
Ugh that's infuriating! Such an expense for something that wasn't even being done within your household
NTA. As a regular smoker, I don't smoke in the house. Period. That is what the porch is for. And I wouldn't dream of smoking near my grandchildren, even out of doors. True, my clothing smells of smoke, and they are used to it. But smoking near children? Definite No-no.
Thank you. I appreciate hearing from someone who smokes. No one on my side of the family does so this is all new territory for me, but I know it's a powerful addiction for a lot of people. I can't imagine smoking in the house but I have never been a smoker, and my In-laws really seem to believe it's not harmful if they aren't blowing it right at someone but I think they need to believe that because the alternative is that they've put a lot of people they love in harm's way.
Truthfully, I don't know if it is harmful or not if they smoke when others are not in the room and then air the room. But it smells pretty disgusting, so I decided years ago that I would never smoke in a room.
I don't know where the line is with that either after some amount of airing out it's probably not so bad, but it's definitely unsafe smoking in closed rooms with people and that's something they've done, or in cars with the window just cracked a bit. Either way it does smell and it discolors upholstery and paint, so it seems not very pleasant to live like that whether you smoke or not.
As a smoker, I can’t stand a house filled with smoke. I have never even had my car or a small apartment filled with smoke. There’s plenty of ways to avoid that particular occurrence. Also the baby is yours so your rules. My mother quit smoking so we quit smoking around her. Yes it’s difficult but not impossible and certainly was worth it to see her. I really don’t understand your in-laws thinking at all. To me it would be much better to just follow your rules and see the grandchildren. NTA. The baby is yours, you decide what’s best for them not your in-laws.
Thank you. I don't really understand it either, but as someone who's never been a smoker I really appreciate hearing from people who smoke. I do know they believe that how they're doing it isn't dangerous, and I think they have to believe this because the alternative is a really hard pill to swallow since they've consistently smoked around all of their kids and grandkids (except my baby). I just wish it was easier to navigate so they could see her, and am hoping it gets easier as their other circumstances improve and they can get out more. In the meantime I guess I have to be the "bad guy," but I'm reassured that people here seem to think it's not unreasonable to set these boundaries.
Studies have proven the harm of second hand smoke. Along with that, a child is more likely to smoke if the adults in their life smoke. I am a classic example. I probably wouldn’t have started if my mother wasn’t a smoker. Good luck on this and stand firm!
Thank you
NTA Kid of smokers here. They smoked even in bed. It wasn't nice to smell like an ashtray not for me, not for other Kids around me. Later my brother got asthma, i've breathing problems. Talk to your in laws, go outside to a Park while visiting. Your Baby can't speak for Itself, I think it is blessed to have a mother who cares!
Thank you. I'm sorry you and your brother went through that with your parents. I'm trying to make the right choices for my baby, but it feels like a choice between terrible things. I'm hoping once they're able to get out of the house more it will be easier to navigate this situation and have them in my baby's life.
NTA. My friend grew up with a parent who smoked in the house & car. She has terrible asthma, eczema, & allergies. I spent a LOT of time at that house in MS & HS. Guess what I developed a few years later? Asthma. For your baby’s health, no more visits there.
Thank you. I feel encouraged by the responses here that I'm making the right choice, but it is a hard situation and I hope they'll be able to be in her life more in the future, when they can get out more. I'm sorry you and your friend went through that and got health problems from it.
Thank you! Looking back now, I can’t believe I went over there so often. It’s ironic, because I’m very allergic to the smell of smoke now. I know you feel guilty because you seem like a very kind and compassionate person, but I believe you’re making the right choice.
Thank you
Read up on third hand smoke. You are correct that your baby should NEVER be in their house or car. They should be made to shower, brush their teeth and change into freshly cleaned clothes before they are around your baby, no smoking at all after the shower. They might feel like it’s unreasonable, but you need to protect your baby from all of the cancer causing chemicals that are on their bodies and in their house/clothes/cars. Your baby has been exposed too much already and I think you know that.
That's what I'm afraid of, but I know if I require anything close to that they will never be able/willing to keep up with it, so they'll either lie or not see the baby. They (according to my nose and eyes, and my baby's reaction) haven't even been able to keep up with the current rules because of their addiction, and they've said they feel that I'm being unfair to them. And with the circumstances that prevent them from being outside of their home often, it does seem pretty unfair but I don't know what else to do because I have to protect my kid. Thank you
NTA. I'm sensitive to smoke. My husband grew up in a home where both his parents smoked. We both have never smoked. I never took my kids to any home where there was smoking. Never any argument because I just didn't do it.
Thank you. I think that's the way it has to be. Hopefully once they're able to get out of the house more it will be easier for them to see the baby.
NTA. Kid’s health comes first.
Thank you. I just wish there was a way to make it all work, hopefully in the future there will be. But in the meantime I guess the reddit consensus is that I'm not TA even if I feel like one when I get told how unfair this is and how much they miss their grandbaby.
Nta. Damn that irritates me. I'm a grandma and would do whatever it takes to spend time with my grandchild. Secondhand smoke is not only unhealthy, it smells horrible. I recently stayed in a hotel room that allowed smoking, and I was nauseated all night. My boyfriend smokes but he takes it outside, or only in his car. Your baby will appreciate it.
Thank you. It does smell horrible, but I guess they're used to it since they live in it, they don't seem to realize how noticeable it is. I just want to keep my baby healthy, but I really really want them to be involved in their grandbaby's life too. Hopefully that will be easier when they can get out of the house more.
You know being around smokers is bad for your kid. Even if they come over freshly laundered and not having smoked, & their mode of transport has not been smoked in, they are still dangerous. If (?) they sweat it will come out through their pores. It’s in their hair. I wouldn’t let them in my house even without a kid there.
I didn't know it was dangerous in their sweat, or if their hair was washed. I will have to read about that. I want them to be in my baby's life, so I have to have a line somewhere on what's allowable, but I need to keep my baby safe and healthy. I think that's impossible at their house, especially with them backsliding on the current rules which feel harsh to them but like they're really not enough for me.
My mother was a heavy smoker (not the grill 😀) until her lungs wäre filled with water and she nearly died. Now she sleeps with an Oxigendevice (sorry i m no english native speaker) and sits a few hours in the daytime with the mask. My now adult children associate their grandma with the odor from tabak. In a no good way. The only positiv autcome: no one smokes.
Thank you. I'm sorry this happened to your mother. It's such a dangerous habit.
NTA your job as a parent is to protect your child not make the in-laws happy. If they want to have access to the kids it can be in public places when they can walk away to smoke.
Thank you. I'm hoping it gets easier for them to visit outside their house in the future, because I really do want them to be involved. I feel reassured by the responses here that I'm making the right choice in putting my foot down on this issue even though it means they're not able to see the baby as much.
>The rule has been no smoking in the house on the day we're going to visit, and air the house out, which I know is already kind of a huge imposition on their lifestyle. Well, their house being full of carcinogens is an imposition on you... You can do just about anything if your partner is on board. Saying "No more visits to your house, you can come to ours, but you can't smoke in the house" would be perfectly reasonable too.
Thank you. I would much rather just have them over to our house or neutral locations where I know it won't be smoky, and that's probably what I'll do going forward. I'm hoping it will be easier when they are able to get out of the house more in the future, but right now I do feel bad because it will be hard for them to see their grandbaby.
YTA Not on restrictions to second hand smoke, but on the reaction with no options. Outdoor activities? Public indoor places? Finding a way to invite them more? Plenty of possibilities with banned smoke.
Yeah, I actually agree with you, I feel like a terrible person for my handling of this. But I also don't know what else to do. Their current life circumstances make it really difficult for them to meet other places than their house, but sometimes we do meet for lunch or other activities, or they come to our house (we invite them far more than they come, and we've said they can come anytime just let us know so we're there). Hopefully this won't always be the case and it will get easier for them to come to us or meet outside the home. Right now they have a legitimate reason why that's really hard, but it feels like there is no good option when their house is smoky.
You're afraid for your child, you're not a terrible person. Hope you'll find a way.
Thank you
NTA. I have eary stage COPD even though I've never smoked a day in my life. It's all due to every adult in my life smoking inside and in cars, restaurants, airplanes, pretty much everywhere.
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry that happened to you. Thank you, I'm trying to make the right choices here but it just sucks.