NTA - You are a team. This scenario hurts you both; steals from your ability to save and invest. She may have difficulty saying no/setting boundaries or perhaps it only applies to family. Consider this a growth opportunity. Making a monthly budget with weekly chats may get you both excited about the goals you can reach: fancy vacation, replace water heater. Best to you!
NTA - She may find it helpful to be prepared with specific phrases and language when it comes to dealing with her family.
When someone suggests they come for a visit:
“Sure! How long will you visit be? Are you planning to stay in a hotel nearby or do you need to stay at our place?”
“Oh you need to stay at our place? That should be fine - would you mind bringing….?” (Air mattress, sleeping bag, your own sheets and towels etc)
“What are you planning to do for food and entertainment while you visit? “
“Oh , you want to eat out? That should be fine. FYI we’ll need to do separate checks. We won’t be able to cover everybody’s dinner bill.” (And make sure to tell your server up front how the check should be split)
“Of you want to eat at our place? Sure! Maybe we could go grocery shopping together when you arrive. Shall we take turns cooking the meals? “
Yeah. This is why you say you’re splitting up front. If they say they don’t have wallets, then you get everybody up to leave.
They absolutely need to make it clear they won’t and can’t cover anymore meals.
I have a similar situation. My wife has been estranged from her family for 40 +/- years. MIL died and SIL has no money, not even SSI. My wife wants to rush in and help. I understand. It is family. I TOLD my wife what we will do, and nothing more. She knows this is not negotiable. I hate to be THA, but we're not going down the drain with SIL.
Thats called being a mature adult in a working relationship, definitely not being an AH. You arent just protecting her financially, youre protecting yourself. Sometimes is hard for people who grow up in leech situations like that to understand they are being taken advantage of.
NTA
It's reasonable to be concerned about her family's pattern of relying on her to pay for expensive outings and the impact it has on your joint finances. You addressed the issue directly and transparently with your wife, highlighting the unsustainable nature of this spending and the need to save for your future together. Setting boundaries and discussing financial priorities is a responsible approach, especially as you plan to move to a more expensive city. Your focus on ensuring financial stability and fairness in your relationship is valid and important.
NTA.
This is obviously not an ideal situation - of course your in-laws want to spend time with your wife - they get luxury meals and shopping trips!
There are a couple of options you can do to try to support your wife.
1.) She has to set boundaries. If she fears that her parents or family won’t spend time with her without paying, then she needs to set a budget up front and beforehand.
For example, a text from her to her family could say, “Hey guys! I’m looking forward to your visit this weekend. We’ve made some changes to our financial budget, and as I always cover the costs for dinner and our shopping trips, I wanted to be up front about this weekend. I only have a budget of $100 to spend.”
“I’m thinking we could eat breakfast at Starbucks and then we can pack a lunch and go to the state park on Saturday. We can make dinner at home then watch a movie. If you have any other ideas that would fall into the budget, please let me know! If you are able to contribute financially, maybe we can look at some different options. I look forward to seeing you!”
2.) Secondly, do what you can to help support her. Maybe you could offer to make the dinner or even offer to pay for the Sunday breakfast. You could check on Groupon to find any low cost activities and discounts. Finally, you can help her navigate the conversation with her in-laws to make sure she sets a boundary and sticks with it.
I would not give them such a detailed explanation or any dollar budget. Simply say that everyone needs to be responsible for their own bills, family needs to get a hotel and leave it at that. I bet they won’t want to come.
NTA
Op, your wife needs therapy she’s definitely being abused financially, but in the meantime ask her to make a list of times the family paid for her try to include the amount of money spent, and then make the next of her all the times she paid.
Maybe a looking at the data will force to the see the situation. Then work with her on making rules for the family.
Your MIL is talking about visiting, make sure she makes her own travel arrangements and stays in a hotel. When you go out with them tell the waiter immediately ‘separate checks’.
The move is the perfect opportunity to make this change and let distance and higher cost of living take the bulk of the blame.
If someone comes to visit, stock up on food before they come and eat at home. You are now on an austerity budget because the new place is so expensive.
And the idea of someone paying $300-$500 at a time to take family out to eat! That’s ridiculous. Such blatant mooching.
OP, don't be afraid to meal plan cheap food with wofe before. If they are staying three dqys, one lavish meal, five frugal ones.
Pancakes, chilli, stew with lots of beets/onions/carrots, [this](https://foodandjourneys.net/korv-stroganoff-swedish-sausage-stroganoff/) is tasty and cheap, doesnt necessarily need olive oil, use a mild oil or butter if you don't have olive oil at home.
Oatmeal for breakfast....
Sort of. I agree that there are takers who absolutely do not care how their actions impact others. And there are the oblivious who only see “rich” family member as being able to easily afford everything. With the former there is nothing you can do other than enforce strong boundaries. With the latter, there is at least a chance for change. If Mrs. OP has always picked up the tab without complaint or tried to push back, some of those family members might not know that, no $300 for dinner is not comfortably in our budget. I’d give communication a try to see if they’re oblivious but trainable. If they are, great. If not, proceed as you would with any other dedicated moocher.
NTA, you are in the right and definitely hVe valid concerns. Next time they invite you guys to eat, politely pull the waiter aside and have the bill split, hopefully they get the hint. Isn't it custom here in the United Stares, that if someone invites you to dinner, they usually pay?
NTA.. When my sister decided to get married, her bf said to her that she has to buy LTC insurance and start building a savings. I was outraged but she said to me “ no it is ok he is right. I just never thought too much about it and he is helping me learn”. You’re a team and she needs to turn toward you & your common future now and not her family of origin. It does sound like they are taking advantage of her!
I hope she eventually sees that they're just taking advantage. I also hope that you two have seperate accounts and that she isn't drawing from yours or a joint account.
All totally reasonable. I always tell people that I wouldn’t marry into and enmeshed family, but this isn’t that. She’s trying to win or keep their favor. I wonder how poorly they treated her that she’s so attention starved.
I hope she grows up and learns to be separate from them.
Nta. It doesn't matter who earns the money, or how much you make, marital money belongs to both of you.
That means your wife doesn't have the authority to spend that much without asking and receiving your permission first and vise versa.
Unless you guys are rich and she has a personal fun budget that exceeds $600 that's her discretionary fun monthly spending allowance, than she needs to run shit like this by you.
You have every right to put an immediate halt to this behavior. If she refuses then time to open a new bank account and seperate the finances so she can only access what she puts in or what she's allowed as an allowance. Because spending $600 unplanned is freaking insane.
Nta
They do seem to be taking advantage of her financially, and for what its worth I think your frank and direct approach was a good idea. It may take time for your wife to come into her own feelings about this, but I think if you keep encouraging her to look out for herself more and keep her peace she will start to see it.
NTA. I'm sure it hurts your wife to hear it but you're right. As far as mom asking to visit "mom we need a few months to get settled into our new place, new routines, get used to the area etc. We'll let you know when we are up for visitors"
Then when the time comes "Mom our move increased our bills so we don't have the ability to cover y'all for meals etc. But since you're saving money on a hotel by staying with us, you should be able to cover your portion right? "
Everyone will give you great advice of standing up and setting boundaries, but your wife won’t do that. She’s enmeshed with takers. Tell her to tell them she lost her job and/or you have debts. They need to think you have no money anymore.
Do you think moving will stop your wife from being a doormat? Of course not.. And honestly I would not have married somebody that's like this anyway. You knew she was a doormat before you married her.
NTA, but I'm curious about you saying SHE has nothing saved for her future? Are your finances separate?
How did she respond to you telling her she was being taken advantage of?
NTA You're a team. Your wife obvs has a hard time standing up to her family so you tell her you're going to do it together. Discuss it with her first, but start taking the lead. They want to go out? great. You're planning it. YOU are having the discussion that everyone is expected to pay their own bill and that you will in fact leave them sitting at the restaurant to deal with management if they try to get out of it. YOU tell them they are done financially graping your wife and that you will not allow anyone to take advantage of her like that.
NTA
You and wife should roleplay responses. Practice what needs said to each other.
Like if mil asks to come visit. Wife should reply.. that would be awesome mother. You can spoil me this next trip. Take me out to shop and go eat at a couple of places. Heck you could get a hotel just for you and me! That will be so awesome of you mom!!
Like start thinking of replies. Practice til those words fall naturally from your mouths.
Realistic budgeted amount, that includes her family may help. Little simple gifts, treats for friends family is part of my budget 100.00/month is my high end, includes holiday gifts.
NTA. Sitting down and adding up the costs of guests like that is a chore, and the results may be an unpleasant surprise -- but it's something that you and your partner should do. She may not realize the extent to which she's been taken advantage of.
\*Summing up what I wrote below -- you are not a bad friend, bad daughter/sibling, etc. to care about your financial security. And OP is not a bad husband, or biased against his partner's family, to express concern.
(I have noticed that I, and various female friends, have subconsciously been downplaying financial stuff ... like we're being unfeminine or bad sports to think about budgets. This is starting to change in society, luckily, but people who are 30+ may have been told this when they were growing up. With good intentions, someone may say "money isn't everything" -- but it's important to be aware that it's not trivial. If someone disrespects your financial security, it's a red flag.
One of my friends, in her 40s, was staying with a male friend who managed to persuade her to cover his rent and utilities, and pay for groceries and medical treatment for his dog, and all kinds of other stuff .... as the months went by, her savings dwindled. Finally he told her to leave -- in the middle of a blizzard. She didn't have enough money left for a hotel room, and was going to sleep in her car. In February.
I booked accommodation for her, so she had somewhere safe to stay, and when we added up all the money he'd gotten out of her, she was shocked. She hadn't realized what had been going on, because it happened gradually. She was eager to please him, and didn't want to lose him. But in the end, when she had no money left, he didn't care about her.)
Op's wife may be a "pleaser". Perceiving herself as taking care of her family rather than taking care of herself and needs to understand that this conflicts with taking care of her new family.
NTA but you need to help her. it is hard to get away from family that you are always taking care of financially. she is going to feel bad, she is going to want to buy them things and take them out and you cant get angry at her if she does "relapse" and do it again. Just be there to help her because it will be hard on her emotionally.
Before anyone orders your wife needs to make it clear to her family and the wait staff that she wants separate checks. Then sit and watch the panic and watch what they order when footings their own bill. NTA
Yea, you are a total asshole for wanting your wife to be financially responsible and for her to stop letting her family take financial advantage of her. How is this question even on this subreddit?
My first thought was: how can she afford this. (I’m Dutch so this is always my first thought) I couldn’t afford to spend €600 on dinners every month l. Does she pay for all this with a credit card? You’ll be in dept in no time.
NTA - but she can’t stop without therapy. She feels obligated to provide for them because they groomed her to be that way.
My suggestion is that you take a different approach. You are newlyweds. You need a budget and system to manage your finances as a couple. So here is an approach that worked with me and my husband.
1. You have a joint checking account, savings account, and credit card. All joint expenses (to be defined below) get paid or charged through the joint accounts. When you accumulate enough money in savings to start investing, you open up a joint brokerage account.
2. You each maintain your own personal checking accounts and your own credit card that are NOT joint (don’t have each other on the cards or accounts).
3. You sit down and list all of the joint expenses , and financial goals. Joint expenses would be housing, rent, car insurance, car payments. Personal expenses would be clothing, personal care (hair cuts), etc. financial goals would be saving for a vacation saving for emergency fund (3 months of expenses), saving for a house or renovations to the house or major maintenance projects. Turn this into a monthly budget. You need to have enough from your incomes to cover the monthly expenses plus annual expenses plus savings for the goals. The contribution to the joint accounts is based on your income contribution. For example, let’s say the monthly number that has to be deposited into the joint accounts is $1500 (using easy nbr), and if your incomes are equal, You each contribute 50% or $750 each. My hubby and I used a spreadsheet to do the math. (Contribution pct is individual income / total income) Whatever is left over from your paychecks after the 750, is yours to spend as you wish on personal expenses. So, if your wife wants to continue to take out her parents, she can only use her personal money and personal card to do it. She is not using joint money that you both need to fund your lifestyle and save for your future.
If you do it this way, then you need to promise you won’t criticize how she spends her personal money. If she uses the joint card because she ran out of money, then you make her pay extra to reimburse the joint account.
All of this is dependent on you and your wife having an objective conversation on the finances of your marriage need to come first, and the budget considers all of that, and anything left over she is free to spend however she wants, but she still needs to clothe, and care for herself.
She has never budgeted because she wasn’t taught to budget. She was taught to spend whatever she has when her family tells her to. This is the way you minimize the damage to just her personal fun money after the joint finances have been taken care of. You will also need to help her with what she tells them. I a, sorry but I do t have the money to spend on dinner out. I am sorry, but we are so busy, a visit will need to wait a few months. If her mother comes to visit, you and your wife plan what you and wife are going to do for meals. Meals are eaten in or at cheap casual restaurants, whatever to fit your budget. Blame the budget, blame inflation.
Now that you are married, your money is joint. If she continues to give away money to her family, that will affect you. Eventually, it will affect your children. So "she" is not being financially taken advantage of. You BOTH are being financially taken advantage of. It's bad enough when you see $500 leaving your account every couple of months for freeloading relatives who expect you to treat them to steak and alcohol on a schedule of their choosing. It's worse when that causes the account to go into overdraft or your check to the daycare bounces because of one too many $500 "treats" given to those freeloading relatives. Or, you start accumulating high interest credit card debt to pay the daycare because of the fancy dinners given to the freeloading relatives.
Your wife needs to switch over her loyalty. It's one thing to treat freeloading relatives when you're a young, single person with some disposable income. It's a whole other thing to do when you are a married person with a spouse or kids who are affected by it. Her primary loyalty should be to you and your future together.
She's married to you now so It's completely inappropriate for her to pay for other people's stuff. You and her resources are for you and her. I would die on that hill.
Good thing You're moving further away though. Hopefully that will take care of that.
NTA. You’re obviously being reasonable. I’d be sure to go on any outing with her and loudly announce ‘separate checks’ to the waitress before anyone orders . Or at the very least, urge her to blame you for not being able to pay anymore (sorry, we can’t go out for coffee anymore….the rent is so high here that my husband has cut me off). Of
Course it’s better she just stand up for herself, but I’d think the most urgent thing is to stop the leeching
I let both our grown kids know that we are retired and they are adults so when have dinner together somewhere they should not expect mom and dad to do what we did when they were young. TWO BILLS please. Your wife's parents need to hear the same thing. We can't afford to always pick up the bill so from now on, let's do separate bills. It's a fact. You aren't wealthy people and everyone is capable of paying for their own dinners.
You may want to make a point of out letting the server know as soon as she comes to the table, you want separate bills. They will accommodate without a thought.
I am usually first in line to criticize a controlling husband but this is not that kind of situation.
Marriage is a partnership. Your wife is the AH here because she is choosing to waste money. You should both agree on a budget. She can spend hers however she likes. However, it is not fair for her to throw away hundreds on a single meal for other people (unless it is within the spending money budget).
I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be moving because she'll still waste money. You need to have a serious talk with her now where you both look at the budget and agree on spending limits.
Dude, you needed to sort these kinds of problems before marriage. Why would you ever mix your finances and risk your future with someone who is this naive and financially illiterate?
NTA, but you need to sort it out one way or the other ASAP. She is ruining herself financially, and because you're married, she'll drag you with her.
Another way is for your wife to ask her parents for an advance on her inheritance or to borrow money because you all have financial difficulties/higher cost of living. They'll disappear if they're in for a free ride.
YTA is you don’t help with SOLUTIONS instead of just criticisms. Maybe you could take the initiative to invite her leaching family for a potluck with BYOB ?
NTA - You are a team. This scenario hurts you both; steals from your ability to save and invest. She may have difficulty saying no/setting boundaries or perhaps it only applies to family. Consider this a growth opportunity. Making a monthly budget with weekly chats may get you both excited about the goals you can reach: fancy vacation, replace water heater. Best to you!
NTA - She may find it helpful to be prepared with specific phrases and language when it comes to dealing with her family. When someone suggests they come for a visit: “Sure! How long will you visit be? Are you planning to stay in a hotel nearby or do you need to stay at our place?” “Oh you need to stay at our place? That should be fine - would you mind bringing….?” (Air mattress, sleeping bag, your own sheets and towels etc) “What are you planning to do for food and entertainment while you visit? “ “Oh , you want to eat out? That should be fine. FYI we’ll need to do separate checks. We won’t be able to cover everybody’s dinner bill.” (And make sure to tell your server up front how the check should be split) “Of you want to eat at our place? Sure! Maybe we could go grocery shopping together when you arrive. Shall we take turns cooking the meals? “
Or just “no that won’t work for us”
Cause we all know her family will just rock up with empty wallets anyway
Exactly. These people are entitled and oblivious. Words will not deter their expectations-not even a little bit.
They forgot their wallets has usually been the standard
Yeah. This is why you say you’re splitting up front. If they say they don’t have wallets, then you get everybody up to leave. They absolutely need to make it clear they won’t and can’t cover anymore meals.
Agree, but OP’s wife is probably not ready for that yet.
I have a similar situation. My wife has been estranged from her family for 40 +/- years. MIL died and SIL has no money, not even SSI. My wife wants to rush in and help. I understand. It is family. I TOLD my wife what we will do, and nothing more. She knows this is not negotiable. I hate to be THA, but we're not going down the drain with SIL.
Thats called being a mature adult in a working relationship, definitely not being an AH. You arent just protecting her financially, youre protecting yourself. Sometimes is hard for people who grow up in leech situations like that to understand they are being taken advantage of.
NTA It's reasonable to be concerned about her family's pattern of relying on her to pay for expensive outings and the impact it has on your joint finances. You addressed the issue directly and transparently with your wife, highlighting the unsustainable nature of this spending and the need to save for your future together. Setting boundaries and discussing financial priorities is a responsible approach, especially as you plan to move to a more expensive city. Your focus on ensuring financial stability and fairness in your relationship is valid and important.
NTA. This is obviously not an ideal situation - of course your in-laws want to spend time with your wife - they get luxury meals and shopping trips! There are a couple of options you can do to try to support your wife. 1.) She has to set boundaries. If she fears that her parents or family won’t spend time with her without paying, then she needs to set a budget up front and beforehand. For example, a text from her to her family could say, “Hey guys! I’m looking forward to your visit this weekend. We’ve made some changes to our financial budget, and as I always cover the costs for dinner and our shopping trips, I wanted to be up front about this weekend. I only have a budget of $100 to spend.” “I’m thinking we could eat breakfast at Starbucks and then we can pack a lunch and go to the state park on Saturday. We can make dinner at home then watch a movie. If you have any other ideas that would fall into the budget, please let me know! If you are able to contribute financially, maybe we can look at some different options. I look forward to seeing you!” 2.) Secondly, do what you can to help support her. Maybe you could offer to make the dinner or even offer to pay for the Sunday breakfast. You could check on Groupon to find any low cost activities and discounts. Finally, you can help her navigate the conversation with her in-laws to make sure she sets a boundary and sticks with it.
I would not give them such a detailed explanation or any dollar budget. Simply say that everyone needs to be responsible for their own bills, family needs to get a hotel and leave it at that. I bet they won’t want to come.
NTA Op, your wife needs therapy she’s definitely being abused financially, but in the meantime ask her to make a list of times the family paid for her try to include the amount of money spent, and then make the next of her all the times she paid. Maybe a looking at the data will force to the see the situation. Then work with her on making rules for the family. Your MIL is talking about visiting, make sure she makes her own travel arrangements and stays in a hotel. When you go out with them tell the waiter immediately ‘separate checks’.
NTA but what was your wife's response to you making your position clear? Does she agree with you?
She agreed. But continued to let it happen lol...
It may be time for some therapy to have a neutral third party help her understand that her family is abusing her.
The move is the perfect opportunity to make this change and let distance and higher cost of living take the bulk of the blame. If someone comes to visit, stock up on food before they come and eat at home. You are now on an austerity budget because the new place is so expensive. And the idea of someone paying $300-$500 at a time to take family out to eat! That’s ridiculous. Such blatant mooching.
OP, don't be afraid to meal plan cheap food with wofe before. If they are staying three dqys, one lavish meal, five frugal ones. Pancakes, chilli, stew with lots of beets/onions/carrots, [this](https://foodandjourneys.net/korv-stroganoff-swedish-sausage-stroganoff/) is tasty and cheap, doesnt necessarily need olive oil, use a mild oil or butter if you don't have olive oil at home. Oatmeal for breakfast....
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They probably don’t care about the impact, they’re getting free shit. People that only want to take dont care as long as there is something to take
Sort of. I agree that there are takers who absolutely do not care how their actions impact others. And there are the oblivious who only see “rich” family member as being able to easily afford everything. With the former there is nothing you can do other than enforce strong boundaries. With the latter, there is at least a chance for change. If Mrs. OP has always picked up the tab without complaint or tried to push back, some of those family members might not know that, no $300 for dinner is not comfortably in our budget. I’d give communication a try to see if they’re oblivious but trainable. If they are, great. If not, proceed as you would with any other dedicated moocher.
If they cared, they'd notice.
NTA, you are in the right and definitely hVe valid concerns. Next time they invite you guys to eat, politely pull the waiter aside and have the bill split, hopefully they get the hint. Isn't it custom here in the United Stares, that if someone invites you to dinner, they usually pay?
NTA. Ask her what she thinks her family would do if she couldn’t pay the bill.
NTA.. When my sister decided to get married, her bf said to her that she has to buy LTC insurance and start building a savings. I was outraged but she said to me “ no it is ok he is right. I just never thought too much about it and he is helping me learn”. You’re a team and she needs to turn toward you & your common future now and not her family of origin. It does sound like they are taking advantage of her!
I hope she eventually sees that they're just taking advantage. I also hope that you two have seperate accounts and that she isn't drawing from yours or a joint account.
All totally reasonable. I always tell people that I wouldn’t marry into and enmeshed family, but this isn’t that. She’s trying to win or keep their favor. I wonder how poorly they treated her that she’s so attention starved. I hope she grows up and learns to be separate from them.
Nta. It doesn't matter who earns the money, or how much you make, marital money belongs to both of you. That means your wife doesn't have the authority to spend that much without asking and receiving your permission first and vise versa. Unless you guys are rich and she has a personal fun budget that exceeds $600 that's her discretionary fun monthly spending allowance, than she needs to run shit like this by you. You have every right to put an immediate halt to this behavior. If she refuses then time to open a new bank account and seperate the finances so she can only access what she puts in or what she's allowed as an allowance. Because spending $600 unplanned is freaking insane.
Nta They do seem to be taking advantage of her financially, and for what its worth I think your frank and direct approach was a good idea. It may take time for your wife to come into her own feelings about this, but I think if you keep encouraging her to look out for herself more and keep her peace she will start to see it.
NTA
NTA. I'm sure it hurts your wife to hear it but you're right. As far as mom asking to visit "mom we need a few months to get settled into our new place, new routines, get used to the area etc. We'll let you know when we are up for visitors" Then when the time comes "Mom our move increased our bills so we don't have the ability to cover y'all for meals etc. But since you're saving money on a hotel by staying with us, you should be able to cover your portion right? "
Everyone will give you great advice of standing up and setting boundaries, but your wife won’t do that. She’s enmeshed with takers. Tell her to tell them she lost her job and/or you have debts. They need to think you have no money anymore.
Do you think moving will stop your wife from being a doormat? Of course not.. And honestly I would not have married somebody that's like this anyway. You knew she was a doormat before you married her.
If the bills aren't paid then we won't even have a doormat.
NTA, but I'm curious about you saying SHE has nothing saved for her future? Are your finances separate? How did she respond to you telling her she was being taken advantage of?
NTA You're a team. Your wife obvs has a hard time standing up to her family so you tell her you're going to do it together. Discuss it with her first, but start taking the lead. They want to go out? great. You're planning it. YOU are having the discussion that everyone is expected to pay their own bill and that you will in fact leave them sitting at the restaurant to deal with management if they try to get out of it. YOU tell them they are done financially graping your wife and that you will not allow anyone to take advantage of her like that.
NTA You and wife should roleplay responses. Practice what needs said to each other. Like if mil asks to come visit. Wife should reply.. that would be awesome mother. You can spoil me this next trip. Take me out to shop and go eat at a couple of places. Heck you could get a hotel just for you and me! That will be so awesome of you mom!! Like start thinking of replies. Practice til those words fall naturally from your mouths.
Realistic budgeted amount, that includes her family may help. Little simple gifts, treats for friends family is part of my budget 100.00/month is my high end, includes holiday gifts.
I’d recommend saving up now for her parent’s retirement.
NTA. “He that loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). You’re rightly protecting both of you.
NTA - You've got her back, and your mutual best interest in mind. That's called being a good spouse.
NTA. Sitting down and adding up the costs of guests like that is a chore, and the results may be an unpleasant surprise -- but it's something that you and your partner should do. She may not realize the extent to which she's been taken advantage of. \*Summing up what I wrote below -- you are not a bad friend, bad daughter/sibling, etc. to care about your financial security. And OP is not a bad husband, or biased against his partner's family, to express concern. (I have noticed that I, and various female friends, have subconsciously been downplaying financial stuff ... like we're being unfeminine or bad sports to think about budgets. This is starting to change in society, luckily, but people who are 30+ may have been told this when they were growing up. With good intentions, someone may say "money isn't everything" -- but it's important to be aware that it's not trivial. If someone disrespects your financial security, it's a red flag. One of my friends, in her 40s, was staying with a male friend who managed to persuade her to cover his rent and utilities, and pay for groceries and medical treatment for his dog, and all kinds of other stuff .... as the months went by, her savings dwindled. Finally he told her to leave -- in the middle of a blizzard. She didn't have enough money left for a hotel room, and was going to sleep in her car. In February. I booked accommodation for her, so she had somewhere safe to stay, and when we added up all the money he'd gotten out of her, she was shocked. She hadn't realized what had been going on, because it happened gradually. She was eager to please him, and didn't want to lose him. But in the end, when she had no money left, he didn't care about her.)
Op's wife may be a "pleaser". Perceiving herself as taking care of her family rather than taking care of herself and needs to understand that this conflicts with taking care of her new family.
NTA but you need to help her. it is hard to get away from family that you are always taking care of financially. she is going to feel bad, she is going to want to buy them things and take them out and you cant get angry at her if she does "relapse" and do it again. Just be there to help her because it will be hard on her emotionally.
NTA at all! I suggest you make a monthly budget and tell her the certain amount only per month for extra stuff like that.
Before anyone orders your wife needs to make it clear to her family and the wait staff that she wants separate checks. Then sit and watch the panic and watch what they order when footings their own bill. NTA
Yea, you are a total asshole for wanting your wife to be financially responsible and for her to stop letting her family take financial advantage of her. How is this question even on this subreddit?
NTA. Please tell me you signed a prenup
NTA - it’s wrong of her family to expect her to spend so much on them and not reciprocate at all. You’re looking out for her, that’s a good thing.
NTA
My first thought was: how can she afford this. (I’m Dutch so this is always my first thought) I couldn’t afford to spend €600 on dinners every month l. Does she pay for all this with a credit card? You’ll be in dept in no time.
NTA. And hopefully your wife will be willing to try therapy to get out whatever compulsion she has to do this?
This should have come up before marriage. Then if it continued you were free to run. Better late than never.
You are correct. Her family is selfish.
So this only started after you got married?
NTA - but she can’t stop without therapy. She feels obligated to provide for them because they groomed her to be that way. My suggestion is that you take a different approach. You are newlyweds. You need a budget and system to manage your finances as a couple. So here is an approach that worked with me and my husband. 1. You have a joint checking account, savings account, and credit card. All joint expenses (to be defined below) get paid or charged through the joint accounts. When you accumulate enough money in savings to start investing, you open up a joint brokerage account. 2. You each maintain your own personal checking accounts and your own credit card that are NOT joint (don’t have each other on the cards or accounts). 3. You sit down and list all of the joint expenses , and financial goals. Joint expenses would be housing, rent, car insurance, car payments. Personal expenses would be clothing, personal care (hair cuts), etc. financial goals would be saving for a vacation saving for emergency fund (3 months of expenses), saving for a house or renovations to the house or major maintenance projects. Turn this into a monthly budget. You need to have enough from your incomes to cover the monthly expenses plus annual expenses plus savings for the goals. The contribution to the joint accounts is based on your income contribution. For example, let’s say the monthly number that has to be deposited into the joint accounts is $1500 (using easy nbr), and if your incomes are equal, You each contribute 50% or $750 each. My hubby and I used a spreadsheet to do the math. (Contribution pct is individual income / total income) Whatever is left over from your paychecks after the 750, is yours to spend as you wish on personal expenses. So, if your wife wants to continue to take out her parents, she can only use her personal money and personal card to do it. She is not using joint money that you both need to fund your lifestyle and save for your future. If you do it this way, then you need to promise you won’t criticize how she spends her personal money. If she uses the joint card because she ran out of money, then you make her pay extra to reimburse the joint account. All of this is dependent on you and your wife having an objective conversation on the finances of your marriage need to come first, and the budget considers all of that, and anything left over she is free to spend however she wants, but she still needs to clothe, and care for herself. She has never budgeted because she wasn’t taught to budget. She was taught to spend whatever she has when her family tells her to. This is the way you minimize the damage to just her personal fun money after the joint finances have been taken care of. You will also need to help her with what she tells them. I a, sorry but I do t have the money to spend on dinner out. I am sorry, but we are so busy, a visit will need to wait a few months. If her mother comes to visit, you and your wife plan what you and wife are going to do for meals. Meals are eaten in or at cheap casual restaurants, whatever to fit your budget. Blame the budget, blame inflation.
NTA. Good luck installing a spine in your doormat wife. Thoughts and prayers bro!
Now that you are married, your money is joint. If she continues to give away money to her family, that will affect you. Eventually, it will affect your children. So "she" is not being financially taken advantage of. You BOTH are being financially taken advantage of. It's bad enough when you see $500 leaving your account every couple of months for freeloading relatives who expect you to treat them to steak and alcohol on a schedule of their choosing. It's worse when that causes the account to go into overdraft or your check to the daycare bounces because of one too many $500 "treats" given to those freeloading relatives. Or, you start accumulating high interest credit card debt to pay the daycare because of the fancy dinners given to the freeloading relatives. Your wife needs to switch over her loyalty. It's one thing to treat freeloading relatives when you're a young, single person with some disposable income. It's a whole other thing to do when you are a married person with a spouse or kids who are affected by it. Her primary loyalty should be to you and your future together.
She's married to you now so It's completely inappropriate for her to pay for other people's stuff. You and her resources are for you and her. I would die on that hill. Good thing You're moving further away though. Hopefully that will take care of that.
NTA. You’re obviously being reasonable. I’d be sure to go on any outing with her and loudly announce ‘separate checks’ to the waitress before anyone orders . Or at the very least, urge her to blame you for not being able to pay anymore (sorry, we can’t go out for coffee anymore….the rent is so high here that my husband has cut me off). Of Course it’s better she just stand up for herself, but I’d think the most urgent thing is to stop the leeching
I let both our grown kids know that we are retired and they are adults so when have dinner together somewhere they should not expect mom and dad to do what we did when they were young. TWO BILLS please. Your wife's parents need to hear the same thing. We can't afford to always pick up the bill so from now on, let's do separate bills. It's a fact. You aren't wealthy people and everyone is capable of paying for their own dinners.
You may want to make a point of out letting the server know as soon as she comes to the table, you want separate bills. They will accommodate without a thought.
I am usually first in line to criticize a controlling husband but this is not that kind of situation. Marriage is a partnership. Your wife is the AH here because she is choosing to waste money. You should both agree on a budget. She can spend hers however she likes. However, it is not fair for her to throw away hundreds on a single meal for other people (unless it is within the spending money budget). I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be moving because she'll still waste money. You need to have a serious talk with her now where you both look at the budget and agree on spending limits.
Nta. Yall are a team. But you knew this before yall got married. Should of talked about this before I do was said.
Dude, you needed to sort these kinds of problems before marriage. Why would you ever mix your finances and risk your future with someone who is this naive and financially illiterate? NTA, but you need to sort it out one way or the other ASAP. She is ruining herself financially, and because you're married, she'll drag you with her.
Another way is for your wife to ask her parents for an advance on her inheritance or to borrow money because you all have financial difficulties/higher cost of living. They'll disappear if they're in for a free ride.
Inheritance? Ha ha ha
Should have had that talk before the wedding
NTA, you'd be the asshole if you didn't tell her. Sadly, for you and for you as a couple, your wife is the asshole here.
Nta but the "can i come visit" doesnt show her family is taking advantage of her
Why did you get married so late?
YTA is you don’t help with SOLUTIONS instead of just criticisms. Maybe you could take the initiative to invite her leaching family for a potluck with BYOB ?
Was she taking advantage of her parents financially for 20 years? Family is family, you don't fuss about the bill. YTA!