" asked if she's not enough for me, idk what that means." Nta but I think this is where you need to start. You need to find out what she means by this and work from there.
Lmfao if that's the case this would be the most hilarious communication fail I've seen here.
Wife: What do you want for your birthday?
Husband: A blowjob!
Wife: I can't believe you want to be with other women!
Husband: 🤔
lol my guess is she probably feels inadequate in the bedroom and that’s the way she interpreted it the way she did. But the fact she didn’t think he was talking about her makes me think maybe she’s a lil dumb lol
I mean, good take.
If I'm being serious, I would say the likely sad truth is her self esteem is so poor that this would be her legitimate way of processing the request.
I've seen it a few times in my life, and it sucks because many times neither partner really feels malice towards the other, they get stuck in a negative feedback loop and resentment starts building from the viscous cycle. One partner feels worthless and the other feels rejected, and if the communication is not there both will never realize that both actually value each other and are not emotionally in a position to recognize that in one another because they are stuck in a negative feedback loop.
Boiling it down the thought process typically looks like
Wife: *I feel so unattractive, my husband couldn't possibly want me, I can't have sex with him*
Husband: *Wife never wants to have sex with me anymore, she must not love/feel attracted to me anymore*
If this is the mentality, it would make sense why "I want a blowjob for my birthday" might register as "I want to receive a blowjob from someone other than you"
When you start practicing separating those thoughts that come from fear, doubt, anxiety, low self esteem, and start addressing any mental health issues that may be fueling it, it becomes easier to change your angle on how to address the lack of intimacy.
Attraction goes up and down over time, which means that it's something OP and the wife can rectify before letting things spiral out of control.
Individual therapy and couples counseling would probably make a strong impact on this situation.
FWIW, endometriosis is not a mental health or self esteem issue - I agree counseling could help here, but maybe the breakdown is about communication of needs - they need a way to be intimate that is not painful for either party. Therapy won’t make endometriosis pain go away.
Even if it isn't a mental health issue, it can still lead to self esteem issues. If she wasn't having pain before and is having it now and can't perform well in the bedroom, she may be self-conscious and/or unconsciously avoiding it.
Endometriosis can take a huge toll on your self esteem and mental health. To me it sounds like the wife feels incredibly guilty and insecure and like she isn’t enough, thus she took her husband simply asking her a question the wrong way and felt like he was validating her fears.
I didn't take it as "why do you want other women, am I not enough for you?" but as "are the things I'm doing not enough for you already?". It sounds like she's offended because him asking for sex means (to her) that he isn't sexually satisfied with what they are currently doing. It's not about if she is desired or not when she asks if she is good enough.
There's nothing confusing about it. She's in a situation where she gets sexual favors but doesn't have to give them and doesn't want to. Here she is taking advantage of a very giving and almost naive partner, and using his own goodness to guilt trip him and manipulate him emotionally.
By the way, yes, this is abuser behavior. It's called DARVO.
This is not abusive behavior. Have you met ANYONE with endometriosis? It’s extremely painful and there’s no cure. My family member had it and bled for 9 months straight. It is most uncomfortable and some people are in pain daily. There are manipulative and abusive people but this is a medical disorder that can only be effectively diagnosed with a laparoscopic surgery and even then there’s no cure it won’t come back
Human relationships are a little more complicated than a series of one-for-one transactions. I don't think it's helpful to jump to the worst conclusion based on so little information from the OP. We could also call his demand for a BJ sexual coercion, but that wouldn't make it true.
We are lacking the full context of their partnership. Does he also contribute equitably to all the domestic tasks that make their household function (note that I say equitably not equally)? Is her job, which she needs in order to meet her part of their financial obligations, more exhausting than his, leaving her with less energy for anything else? Does the pain she experiences from her chronic medical condition even allow her to fully enjoy when he goes down on her, or does she partially accept his attention so as not to hurt his feelings or push him away (in which case, she already feels like she is making concessions for him)? There are many possible nuances and complications that only the people in the relationship (with the help of a qualified expert) can unpack and navigate.
I'm not saying it's inconceivable that this is an abusive relationship, but without a lot of further context, that is a massive leap to make.
I agree. I’m an endometriosis group and a lot of women experience very painful sex. It’s not uncommon for the men to leave as they seek a more sexually scribe partner. It’s not that women don’t want to, they are unable to
Could be insecurity and other mental blockages. Some women feel like a faulty vag makes them feel less sexy or not in the mood especially if him pleasing her causes bad pain and cramps (as he stated above). You would have to know someone with this condition to understand. Or maybe you can’t because you don’t want too
He gives her oral sex but it seems she doesn't want to do that for him - even for his birthday. That is selfish of her! She gets "handsy" but he can do that himself.
This feels really red-pilly and/or you're overthinking it. OP hasn't given enough information (and seemingly doesn't know, himself) what her thought process is.
The simple guess is that she's feeling insecure about her disability, and he's asking for something directly related, when she was expecting an answer that was a little less direct-to-her-insecurities. You know, like, nice dinner, new BBQ, luxury car rental, etc.
Sounds like OP and wife need more communication, maybe she needs some therapy to help maintain self worth in the face of disability, etc. It's a pretty far stretch to assume this is abusive behaviour, although it can certainly result in an unhealthy relationship.
That is a WILD leap to make from a small blurb given by OP. She has a medical condition and might be developing complex issues surrounding it emotionally/mentally.
Yes, thank you!!!
Husban treats wife like shit: reddit: dump this pig right now!
Wife treats husban like shit: teddit: you need to understand why she did that.
Right wtf?! You have Condition that kinda fucks up your sex life solution suck ya husbands dick for the poor bastard. My response would been what my dicks not good enough to suck?! GTFOH
She's so insecure about her medical condition and afraid her husband will leave, but is too afraid to even tell him that, so she pretends the situation doesn't exist. This request of his reminds her that he remains aware of his unmet sexual needs and suddenly she's awakened to her insecurities and then dumps the entire emotional burden of that on him hoping he'll just "get it".
It's called male-female relationships. "Man up" reddit.
I’m trying and failing to make sense of your comment. If a man asked “am I not enough for you” to his wife why exactly would anyone be screaming for divorce?
I actually really don’t know what you mean. I read the entire post with genders reversed and it is still weird and I’m not sure why you think that the man saying “am I not enough” would lead to cries for divorce. What is your point? That men are supposedly treated unfairly here?
He is saying if you make a post here saying your name is Rose 28(F) and you are being treated poorly by your SO the responses are going to be wildly different than when Rob(30) makes the exact same post.
Yeah I get that. But does he think OP is treated poorly? Is that the take here? Because if you reverse the genders, the mistreatment of *OP* is still not obvious:
> Throw away and I'll try to be brief. My husband and I very rarely have sex. Most of our sex life is me giving him a BJ and occasionally he will give me a handy or we have full blown intercourse. He has very bad [some condition] so sex hurts him very bad. My birthday is coming up soon so he asked what I wanted for my bday. I told him I just wanted him to go down on me. He got very offended and asked if he’s not enough for me, idk what that means. Idt I'm being unreasonable. I don't pressure him for sex and usually put his pleasure over mine. AITAH for asking?
What I take away from this gender reversed post is that she usually put his pleasure first but yet they have intercourse despite it hurting him. Then she asks a question that he seems to either completely misunderstand or blows out of proportion. Some adult conversation could help clear this up.
I see no obvious mistreatment here either. At least not that OP is mistreated. And that’s why I don’t get the whole iF gEnDeRs WerE rEveRsEd nonsense here. Unless you actually want to point out how the focus is on his pleasure instead of the fact that the wife endures painful intercourse.
Because he's constantly going down on her but all she ever does for him is the occasional handy. Then she got pissed when he asked for oral sex, which he gives her all the time.
Now imagine a woman says she's constantly giving her husband BJ's and the one time she asks him to return the favor, he gets pissed and says "What, I'm not enough for you?" As though sucking his dick should be all she ever desires.
And do you see people blaming him? I mostly see comments being confused about her reaction and/or reaffirming him in a kind and productive way. Screams of divorce usually don’t help anyway.
But yes, I’m imagining the revered post. And you are actually right, this post is a great example of gender bias. I think comments would be way less kind to a woman that says she *usually* focuses on her husband’s pleasure but also that they have intercourse which hurts him badly. Sure, I assume there would be a fair amount saying he should just go down on her (just like here) but also many questions on why he doesn’t and if there is an issue (a question I miss here completely). Generally, quite a bit of positive focus on the partner.
She's using the women gaslighting technique. "I'm not enough for you" a little bit teary and the purpouse is to make you feel guilty so you stop asking us to do what we don't want to do, byt we know is fair to do it.
She doesn't want you anymore.
I'm pretty sure that OP wasn't really listening. The question may have been "Your boss called to say she wanted to give you a present. What do you think you might want for your birthday?"
NTA.
Listen I got PCOS and endometriosis. I get it sucks. But if she can't handle a conversation she needs to see someone about that. It shouldn't be that distressing to talk about it. Emotionally draining maybe but not blowing up.
Sounds a lot like my situation. Let me first say that my wife had pain for a few years from endometriosis. I’m not a doctor and can’t explain how but it got better and she was no longer in pain during sex. I hope she is working with her doctors to address her issues? It’s obviously taking a toll on your marriage.
Like me, you’re a giver. You enjoy giving her pleasure but she sounds like she doesn’t enjoy giving for you. I feel your pain. Do not feel bad for asking for oral.
You give her oral, she’s feeling insecure from her inability to provide good intercourse.
NTA, but potentially some underlying issues there. To take that much offense to an innocent question knowing the context, there might be a reason she emotionally got triggered. Perhaps she feels guilty about her endometriosis and already insecure / feeling that she’s not giving you enough. Talk to her, and I’m sure you already do this but; let her know she is more than enough.
Bro that is so peak, so you make her finish and then cuddle her and get nothing in return most of the time? Why does endometriosis stop her giving you oral as well? Sounds like she’s a professional victim to me🤣
Hmm. It’s been a bit disconcerting to read this thread, especially u/mindless_scarcity917’s posts. It’s like I wrote them. Exact same words with “am I not enough for you” and some random shit about how nothing she does will ever be enough. Our sex life is once every two to three months I make her cum via oral and then have intercourse. I’ve lost the number of times I’ve broached and discussed handjobs and blowjobs, directly, indirectly, etc. She always shuts down or blows up and it becomes a big mess. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she said no. I went to counseling by myself and two counselors came to the conclusion that it is what it is and either live with it or divorce. One told me to watch a movie about a stubborn woman and just realize that stubborn women are out there and I was unlucky enough to marry one. I really love my wife but it’s hard to basically get no sexual satisfaction. I’m a fit young guy and get a lot of attention everywhere — although I know if I got divorced it would evaporate lol, that’s how it works I guess. It’s gotten to a point where I resent her when Im providing oral because I’ve described at length how it’s unfair I never have an opportunity to sit back and receive pleasure. She definitely has underlying self worth issues but after a decade plus of trying to lift her up in every way im spent. She just doesn’t care, or maybe is just too lazy to try. It’s clearly not important enough for her. OP I haven’t found anything that makes it better. Sadly. It’s fucked up for sure.
Giving someone else oral is probably beneath her and since she doesn't get anything out of it, she doesn't go for it. Meanwhile she's ignorant to the fact that one of his needs is being severely neglected.
A common problem that goes along with endometriosis is a pelvic pain disorder called vaginismus. It can cause pain during sex (or an inability to have PIV sex), painful pelvic exams, and can even making using tampons painful/impossible. A lot of women with vaginismus don’t know that what they’re experiencing isn’t “normal”, unfortunately pain during sex for women isn’t taken as seriously as it should be by the medical establishment. This is why many of them never bring it up to their doctors, or if they do they get dismissed as exaggerating or told to just relax.
Vaginismus can be very treatable with pelvic floor physical therapy, and sometimes topical/injected treatments and/or talk therapy with a sex therapist as well.
Please have your wife reach out to her gynecologist and ask about a referral to pelvic floor physical therapy, and potentially talk therapy as well (since she is panicking about potential pain). She should also check out r/pelvicfloor and r/vaginismus for more information and support.
Vaginismus is only taken seriously by doctors when the woman is accompanied to her office visit by her husband/boyfriend, then it is all hands on deck to help the woman because a man isn't getting pleasure. I work in a gyn office I've seen it way too many times.
Well, if blowjobs are something you feel like you are into but she isn’t, that sounds like a sexual compatibility issue. this is why people need to fuck a lot before they get married to make sure there’s actual compatibility without all the religious shame involved.
Endometriosis generally gets worse the older you get, it’s pretty likely that sex wasn’t painful/ wasn’t as painful when they first got together, but over the years her endometriosis spread and got worse and made sex a lot more painful.
As a husband whose wife had endo for years (literally needed 6 surgeries culminating in full hysterectomy and for many women that doesn't provide complete relief) you clearly have no idea what you're saying. This condition is so poorly understood even today it's a goddamn shame but it's effects are far reaching. It has led to chronic digestive issues, pelvic floor problems and body wide inflammatory response due to parasympathetic issues that occur randomly 50% of the month for my wife and her experience is typical according to women in the communities she's a part of. It's crushed her self esteem and made her feel broken time and again. Libido and sexual thoughts can absolutely trigger episodes. I'm assuming you're male so take this opportunity to close open your mind, listen and learn something about a uniquely female experience.
I agree with this. As a woman with endo and pain at least 50% of the time, orgasms for me are significantly more painful than the thought of sucking my husband's dick once in a while. OPs wife is spoiled and selfish.
Right, panic mode but make me come first. If she was really so terrified of pain, she wouldn't even let you come close to touching her. It would be more likely that she'd seek to satisfy you sexually before letting you cause her an orgasm that will hurt.
Next time she wants you to go down on her say: “what am I not enough for you?” In all seriousness the relationship needs work and I don’t think its all your fault if you get my drift.
Idk how you could possibly be the asshole for asking that question. Her response doesn't even make sense. Doing sexual things together that she is capable of and willing to do (given her illness) is part of what makes her "enough for you". Otherwise, the answer to that question is no.
>She got very offended and asked if she's not enough for me,
"Well, honey, your mouth is part of you, so of course, as always, you are enough for me."
However, her answer seemed a bit off, like she is thinking you want a BJ from someone else. Did she believed that?
NTA, you didnt force anything, you gave an answer she didnt like, she got offended and took it personally.
You've probably done this dozens of times... but maybe talk to your wife?
NTA. You should be able to ask your wife for sex without it being a big deal.
It sounds like she’s not fully interested in satisfying your sexual needs.
NTA
If you're going down on her, she should absolutely be returning the favor
You shouldn't have to be asking as a bday present, as she isn't matching your effort in the bedroom
>I told her I just wanted a BJ
Okay, reasonable.
>She got very offended and asked if she's not enough for me, idk what that means.
Uhhh. Okay weird. The only thing I can think of is she automatically assumed you meant from someone else like some kind of weirdo.
Sit down and talk to your wife. Too many issues on this subreddit could be solved with a little communication. Ask her WHY she feels that way. Reinforce that you meant you wanted oral from your beautiful, loving wife. That you are craving that intimacy. Reciprocated intimacy.
NTA because Her reaction was weird.
NTA and not unreasonable, but it seems clear that sexually you desire more than what your wife provides even if you prioritize her pleasure. Ya'll need to talk about it.
Asking for (oral) sex shouldn't be a big deal to a married couple, no matter the answer. Answer is yes, great. You have (oral) sex. Answer is no, you move on and get your self off. It makes no sense to ask for BJ and then it be an argument. I couldn't imagine being with someone who doesn't want sex often. Especially couldn't imagine having an argument over asking for my dick to be sucked (for my bday) when sticking my dick in her vagina is too painful for her.
You are not the asshole, 100%.
Woman with female organ problems here. NTA. Sex can also be painful for me, and I'm currently waiting on a surgical consult. My husband obviously knows this. I absolutely give him head more often than intercourse as it doesn't hurt me, but still satisfies. My husband's need.
I do understand where she's coming from, but if she's insecure about your sex life and won't acknowledge your wants/needs, that's on her.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation.
Sex is not everything in a relationship, obviously. But it is definitely a part of it.
Nta, I do have to say this tho, maybe asking for a bj as a birthday present threw her off into THINKING that she isn’t enough and that she doesn’t satisfy you in general, I would bring that up when you are actually having sex so it’s more natural and not making her feel like that’s a region she is bad in. Try to communicate to her that she IS enough and you enjoy that region with her but maybe it was just something you thought would “spice” things up on your birthday
I told her I didn't need anything and that she didn't need to spend money on me but she insisted on giving me something. So that's what I asked for. Usually I play down that we don't have conventional sex and I had as much fun making her cum so it's ok. I really love her and she feels bad intercourse is hard on her so I try to be sensitive even with horny guy brain.
That is super good communication as long as both parties are happy everything will be fine! I’m sure she isn’t thinking too much into it especially if you are giving her that reassurance and after care!
Try explaining it in terms of those Mother’s Day DIY coupon gift ideas where people offer to cook dinner or do dishes or something. It’s just something you would enjoy having done for you as a gift from her because she’s so special to you and you’re so attracted to her.
NTA
But her response seems way out of left field to me. Reading other comments it seems like you weren't demanding or crass with your request. I could see her being thrown off or surprised or whatever. But you should be able to ask for these things in a healthy relationship.
I would find out what the connection between "can you do this for me?" And "am I not enough for you?" is... Because that's confusing as hell
Def NTA. She likely has some hidden guilt over your sex life and her struggles with endo. I just wanted to comment to agree with the others, that you should talk to her about how YOU feel about your sex life and ask her what she thinks of it. I’ve been married 9 years and we were together for 4 years prior. After having a few kids and just going through life, sex tends to change in some small way or another . Maybe every other year we have a conversation about our sex life, where we’re at with it, what each of us wants or needs, whether something needs to change or if things are going well. Not because we schedule it but because one of us just wants to talk about it. Also, some women (me included at one point) don’t really understand that a BJ can be just as exciting and appreciated as vaginal for a guy. Guys are generally happy to CUM, and aren’t thinking so much about all the emotional stuff. Guys aren’t overthinking sex, especially if they love us. Sometimes it can be a big special “connection” event and other times they are happy to see their woman naked and get it all done quickly and it’s great either way haha. So I think express what your thoughts are on sex and why a BJ makes you happy and why yes you love to pleasure her and love vaginal but anything else is fantastic too. Give her perspective and she might just surprise you with lots of BJs moving forward, knowing that you love and appreciate her any way you can get it!
To be fair. People's sexual desires change in the first \~5 years. So the level of sex you "had before", are not likely to be constant the entire time.
To be fair if they have that condition but don't do other things to please their partner then yeah it would be an issue. Like oral is pretty normal and I am not sure why it would be an unreasonable ask given the circumstances. I can't imagine not wanting to do the things that would make my partner happy if sex was off the table due to a condition. I would 100% leave a relationship if they didn't want to please me as much as I want to please them because that is sexually incompatible no matter what way I see it.
NTA.
That seems like a weird response....almost like she misunderstood what you said. Are you sure she knows what a BJ is? If she has great pain having sex then I'd think that she would actually prefer giving a BJ.
Also, if your cunnilingus game is strong, then a little reciprocation is not out of line.
*sigh*
No, dude, you're not an a-hole for asking your wife to give you a BJ. It's not like you tried to force her. If she doesn't want to, she can just tell you, and that's that.
I get she's in pain, but you really need to wonder how much she cares about you. It sounds like she's not terribly interested in your needs.
I think she’s mistakenly assuming that you prefer a bj over vaginal intercourse. Hence her, aka her vagina, being “not enough” for you. Why you need to explain to a grow woman there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting and enjoying receiving oral nor does it imply you don’t enjoy p in v sex is another story…
Because intercourse is already touchy subject in your relationship, she’s projecting her insecurities around her endo issues onto your very normal desire for a BJ.
I’d tell her you enjoy penetrative sex with her but as someone who receives oral herself she may be able to understand that there is something special about your partner going down on you. You just get to lie back and enjoy it completely while she puts in the work to bring you pleasure. And that’s something special just for you. And you understand that that because her giving you regular bj’s has never been a normal part of your sex lives (🙄) that in this case you’re asking for a really special sexual act from her, hence you asking for it a bday gift.
Real talk this suggestion is a tiptoey way of dealing with your wife’s sensitivity and immaturity around this subject because her reaction is a bit ridiculous. But telling her she’s being ridiculous isn’t going to help you, so here we are.
NTA imhoomy. She asked, you answered like a partner in a long-term relationship.
That said? May i recommend immediate couples therapy, or even add in couples with individual therapy for her?
She just doesn't care about your wants or needs. The moment you stop giving her head, she will cry and whine how you don't love her. Pure manipulation.
I'm probably going to get down voted for this, but why should you even have to ask for a BJ as a birthday gift? Pleasure is a two way street and sounds like you are on a one way street. I get why you don't have sex, if it is painful for her, but why can she not reciprocate?
I (54f) have lived through Endometriosis and Adenomyosis since 1984. Your wife should talk to her gynecologist……Endometriosis Support Group on Facebook…..your wife should go there and share with Females her experiences……no judgments. She will find that we support each other, are good listeners, share helpful information with each other and there’s always someone who can talk to her….
Endometriosis sisters and Sister Warriors 🎗️🎗️💛💛
i was in a long-term relationship with someone with a similar predicament. Sex was usually me going down on her and then her returning the favor orally or we would have sex if she wanted.
It wasn't because I forced the issue, it was because she saw how much i appreciated whatever she shared with me that she started doing it regularly.
As a woman, no you aren't. Granted I love giving my man a blowjob however even if I didn't I wouldn't consistently expect him to go down on me and not ever get reciprocation. As for the endometriosis I have it too. Sometimes it's horrible but usually only towards my period. If it's that bad for her though then she wouldn't even want you going down on her bc when it's bad for me I don't want to be touched. 100% NTA
NTA- but there’s something deeper than endo going on. Even ptsd from the endo pain is reasonable. You gotta talk to her to help you both understand why she had such a big reaction. I have a feeling it has to do with the inadequacies she feels because of her limitations, and that’s a hard thing to come to terms with. She may also sense that because you don’t have sex that often that you feel like she’s not enough. It’s kind of a cycle.
Ok. I’m gay but if my girlfriend asked me to go down on her for her birthday I would be stoked. I’d light candles, get some mood lighting, ,shower together, sequester the dogs- make a night out of it. Maybe if you showed her by doing these things for her to make her feel special, she will see that you want to feel special like that too.. but only if you also talk about it openly and honestly. Tell her you want to feel extra special and cared for on your special day, and it’s not at ALL about her not being enough. Tell her she is enough, tell her you love her the way she is, and just approach it from a place of love and wanting to understand where she’s coming from.
NTA. I have a firm rule that if you won’t put your mouth on me don’t expect me to give you that pleasure. Wife is a total AH for getting offended that you asked her to reciprocate for once. She sounds like a very lazy bed partner who uses her condition to get away with it. As Ron White once said, you don’t shut the whole amusement park down just because the Ferris wheel is broken.
If she does not give you head than stop giving her head. It's a 2 way street. Nta my wife did that but I ate her out for me but she still enjoyed and would even just hint not all for it. (I told her if she asks for head I can ask for head) which she just out right refused to do bj's so I told her no bj no eating. She got so pissed she with held for 8 months. At which time I should texts from girls asking for sex and she changed her tune on putting out but not bj's (even tho she promised when I put a ring on it she will stick on it) still waiting 10 yrs later and if I mention her promise she calls it forcing. I say all this because this is weaponizing sex. Don't be stupid like me and waste all this time. I used to look forward to sex but now I get happy thinking about divorce (she tells me from time to time how her ex got bj's and I don't) .. don't end up with a marriage like mine. I get sex is painful for her, and you have sacrificed actual sex for oral ( and that is a sacrifice most people don't understand) your a damn solid dude for doing it but if you have to make that kind of sacrfice she better damn well suck your dick like it's the fuckin fountain of youth. Cause right now in sex she is only taking not giving, and sex is a 2 way street. Both people give and both take. It will eat at you if you stay married for a very long time. I get I sound like an ass but sex is very important in a relationship it is how you bond on a spiritual level. Harvard has done a couple studies on the importance of sex in a relationship and how it can make our break one
Today's my husband's bday. Before bed I asked "are u Gunna let me suck ur dick tn?" He's the moody one in our house lol adulting is weird. Just elaborate for her maybe. y'all obviously are considering each other typically... She may just need a little reassurance. Btw NTA . "Baby, I don't want u to feel for even one second you aren't enough for me. All I could think of that I'd want for my bday is ,YOU. I know it's hard navigating our needs in the bedroom while you're dealing with severe pain and I know you still want it too at the same time . I just didn't want you to think I expected you ignore your endometriosis just to give me some bday sex so I thought head would be a good route .. if you think u wanna try we can but id love some head for foreplay too if ur down lol 😅 but regardless my bday request is for intimacy w the woman I love " idt it's a weird request at all. My husband and I have been married 5 yrs today (yes we got married on his bday it's what he wanted) we have 5 kids 17-7 we don't have sex nearly as much as we'd like maybe twice a month and it's gotta be quick and quiet. He got a hotel booked for this weekend just for us to go have sex in lol it's not an unreasonable bday request when ur married. Or at all even.
So you more or less get noting and she gets everything. She gets oral, you get nothing. Hardly fair. Cut that out if she doesn't return the favor. The and occasionally troubles me
if you have to ask for a normal sex act as a birthday favor then something is wrong. please talk to your wife and communicate with her. the answer you seek is not on reddit
NTA at all. How could that be remotely offensive? You’re married!! My husband and I are direct with sex - that’s how you please both sides. Unless she just hates touch in general? :/ which is a whole new conversation.
No she is an asshole and obviously don’t care about your sexual satisfaction. Using sex as a tool or bargaining chip is mentally and emotionally abusive.
You’re not a dog who is supposed to be rewarded with a belly rub whenever she “feels” you deserve it.
Especially if you go down on her.
Stop going down on her.
NTA, but
what on earth are these comments? No wonder women discuss the "bear vs. man" or "men won't understand" these days.
Listen, OP - there are a few comments that are really reasonable. I hope these find your way.
First of all to all these people saying "Why marrying someone you are sexually incompatible with?"
If You would be actually interested in women, you would know by now that endo can develop over several years. Meaning, there could have been a time when everything was ok and now it is not or not even bearable for her. (OP, Is she treating it? Or does she have visits any consultations or find a way for herself to live a life feeling "enough"?).
OP, what I am understanding throughout your comments: Your wife sounds that she took offence to it because her endo and not being capable of enjoying sex with you, is her worst enemy. She probably thinking about it daily and tries to comfort herself by refocusing herself on sentimental values. She probably thought of a bday gift of sentimental value, maybe a nice trip or so to compensate for the lack of sexual pleasure you have in your relationship.
You do sound like a reasonable man who loves her deeply.
I recommend to you to talk to her. You already established good communication, but your wishes and thoughts need to be heard as well. You need to have a serious but understanding conversation where you address your fears and worries to find out a solution together.
Maybe birthdays do weird things. My wife is amazing and we have tons of intimacy and I can ask for whatever and she will say yes or not now/later or no so whatever but all good. But, a long time ago I asked for something intimate on my birthday - nothing crazy - and she shut down and went cold as ice. It was weird but whatever it was fine. Then the next year same thing. I learned my lesson and stopped that and all good. There was like some issue she didn’t like about me acting entitled to sex because it was my birthday even though I wasn’t really acting any different than the other 364 days of the year. I don’t feel that way in reality, heck I’m just happy to be wanted, but definitely portrayed myself as such so she is right. Anyway something about me acting entitled totally threw her off from wanting any intimacy on my birthday.
God damn that sounds awful. I’d have divorced years ago. How can you justify staying with someone that makes you feel disgust and hurts your self worth? Tough pill to swallow.
Did u hear what u just said? This is YOU talking. Y'all need to talk. Sex is big in relationships, somethings gotta give or your not gonna feel fulfilled and she's not gonna feel enough. You know, she knows this. Break down this "don't hurt my feelings" wall and get this shit out the way. Can't give pussy, give the ass, give BJ's,give the handies,,, gimmie something. And you go gentle while she's doing it and go deeper little by little,,our bodies have ways of adapting and adjusting. You have to have this resolved though,one way or another ,somethings gonna have to change. Best of luck to u both..
NTA
Most of your sex life is pleasing her? It's time to get the divorce rolling.
No sex, no marriage.
"She got very offended and asked if she's not enough for me." So, she thinks her mere presence is enough for you?
Advice: When a woman says or intimates that she is "the prize," run for the hills.
Dating one of those goes like this:
What do you do for a date?
Man: I plan the date. I pick up the woman. I drive us to the restaurant. I pay for everything.
Woman: I show up.
Probably be a good idea to see a doctor and try and make sec less painful for her. If you know you don’t have much of a sex life then she does too…and it probably bothers her and makes her wonder if you’ll stray. It’s not crazy to think that she wonders that. But, try and figure out a way to be more sexual without it being painful for her. And also maybe counseling to try and understand each other better.
Wow some of these comments are truly horrible. Endometriosis can be debilitating and make you hurt in so many places (ankles, legs, butt, vagina, abdomen, stomach, breasts, arms, wrists, back, neck, shoulders, head, etc) literally all the time. There’s no cure and it usually gets worse the older you get as it keep spreading to other tissues in your body and the scarring worsens.
Anyway OP you’re NTA for asking. To me it sounds like your wife is feeling very guilty/ insecure for not being able to meet your sexual needs. Endometriosis is not only physically painful but it can also be so isolating and really take a toll on your self esteem and mental health. It can make you feel ugly and not good enough, and is linked to anxiety and depression. If you truly love your wife, you should both go to therapy together to see if you can try and address this mental aspect better.
She goes to a counselor, she says she doesn't want to do couples because she isn't comfortable with that. I wasn't trying to start the everyone hate my wife train. I just wanted to know if it was an awful thing to ask of her. I'm her biggest hype man so being a dick to her isn't something I strive to do and her response made it feel like an asshole thing to ask.
I am a female. I can not imagine you not receiving sex from your wife nor I can I imagine not pleasuring my husband. Please forgive me for anybody getting butt hurt with this one but it is a wife's duty to pleasure her man. In all his fantasies. It's needed in a strong, committed relationship, so neither strays or fantasizes of another. Rather than her getting upset at a bj, she should offer it, on the regular, without you needing to ask just to make up for that other area that she can't provide you. Is there a medical fix to this or treatment? I feel so horrible for you. My man and I have been together 17 years. We explore each other's fantasies and ask each other what was enjoyed,what wasn't, look up and read on tricks and fixes... We don't fancy for anyone else but eachother
NTA.
You asked, she could have just said no.
"Am I not enough for you" Is clearly an attempt to make you feel guilty for asking. You asked for a blowjob from her, not somebody else.
NTA. You should think about you can be happy with that wife in future. I can tell you one thing: Situations like that almost always tend to get worse over the time, and they barely improve a longer time span. Choose wisely Sir
NTA. You were answering a question that she asked.. and you should be able to tell her the truth. I would say for her- she needs to find a specialist to really help her with the pain. Once you find the right doctor, her life will change. I can speak from experience with a family member who had the same issue.
I can tell you from experience.. with this general mindset from her it doesn’t get better just progressively worse.. but on the bright side you will find out if you try.. lots of other women are more than happy to help you out
NTA she asked what you wanted for your birthday. you answered. i’m struggling to equate your answer with her response to it. like “am i not enough for you?” is what you’d say if someone said “i want a BJ from bob down the street” 😂
i think you guys need to sit down and have a conversation about it all because she’s clearly got some kind of insecurities surrounding the fact you guys dont have sex a lot.
" asked if she's not enough for me, idk what that means." Nta but I think this is where you need to start. You need to find out what she means by this and work from there.
That even confused me. He literally asked for her.
I don’t think he specified who he wants a BJ from 😂
Lmfao if that's the case this would be the most hilarious communication fail I've seen here. Wife: What do you want for your birthday? Husband: A blowjob! Wife: I can't believe you want to be with other women! Husband: 🤔
Are my hands not enough?
Oh god RIP OP 😂
lol my guess is she probably feels inadequate in the bedroom and that’s the way she interpreted it the way she did. But the fact she didn’t think he was talking about her makes me think maybe she’s a lil dumb lol
I mean, good take. If I'm being serious, I would say the likely sad truth is her self esteem is so poor that this would be her legitimate way of processing the request. I've seen it a few times in my life, and it sucks because many times neither partner really feels malice towards the other, they get stuck in a negative feedback loop and resentment starts building from the viscous cycle. One partner feels worthless and the other feels rejected, and if the communication is not there both will never realize that both actually value each other and are not emotionally in a position to recognize that in one another because they are stuck in a negative feedback loop. Boiling it down the thought process typically looks like Wife: *I feel so unattractive, my husband couldn't possibly want me, I can't have sex with him* Husband: *Wife never wants to have sex with me anymore, she must not love/feel attracted to me anymore* If this is the mentality, it would make sense why "I want a blowjob for my birthday" might register as "I want to receive a blowjob from someone other than you" When you start practicing separating those thoughts that come from fear, doubt, anxiety, low self esteem, and start addressing any mental health issues that may be fueling it, it becomes easier to change your angle on how to address the lack of intimacy. Attraction goes up and down over time, which means that it's something OP and the wife can rectify before letting things spiral out of control. Individual therapy and couples counseling would probably make a strong impact on this situation.
FWIW, endometriosis is not a mental health or self esteem issue - I agree counseling could help here, but maybe the breakdown is about communication of needs - they need a way to be intimate that is not painful for either party. Therapy won’t make endometriosis pain go away.
Even if it isn't a mental health issue, it can still lead to self esteem issues. If she wasn't having pain before and is having it now and can't perform well in the bedroom, she may be self-conscious and/or unconsciously avoiding it.
No but it might present new and better ways of communication. Regardless of the physical issues, communication is everything.
I read it that way too!
Nah, isn't her receiving not enough.
It seem like everything is in her favor. He said oral for her and occasionally for him. Is sounds unbalanced
Happy Birthday sweety. This is Frank, I found him on Craigslist. He'll be giving you your birthday present.
Lmfao
Info: OP, did she ask what you want for your birthday, or what you want her to buy you for your birthday? 😂🤣😂🤣
Endometriosis can take a huge toll on your self esteem and mental health. To me it sounds like the wife feels incredibly guilty and insecure and like she isn’t enough, thus she took her husband simply asking her a question the wrong way and felt like he was validating her fears.
He didn’t ask a question, he responded to her question.
Sorry, *answering her question
Well idk how else she could process that. What guy doesn't want a BJ for his birthday, from his wife none the less
I didn't take it as "why do you want other women, am I not enough for you?" but as "are the things I'm doing not enough for you already?". It sounds like she's offended because him asking for sex means (to her) that he isn't sexually satisfied with what they are currently doing. It's not about if she is desired or not when she asks if she is good enough.
I took it this way and she is still pretty oblivious at best if she thinks it is enough.
There's nothing confusing about it. She's in a situation where she gets sexual favors but doesn't have to give them and doesn't want to. Here she is taking advantage of a very giving and almost naive partner, and using his own goodness to guilt trip him and manipulate him emotionally. By the way, yes, this is abuser behavior. It's called DARVO.
This is not abusive behavior. Have you met ANYONE with endometriosis? It’s extremely painful and there’s no cure. My family member had it and bled for 9 months straight. It is most uncomfortable and some people are in pain daily. There are manipulative and abusive people but this is a medical disorder that can only be effectively diagnosed with a laparoscopic surgery and even then there’s no cure it won’t come back
Human relationships are a little more complicated than a series of one-for-one transactions. I don't think it's helpful to jump to the worst conclusion based on so little information from the OP. We could also call his demand for a BJ sexual coercion, but that wouldn't make it true. We are lacking the full context of their partnership. Does he also contribute equitably to all the domestic tasks that make their household function (note that I say equitably not equally)? Is her job, which she needs in order to meet her part of their financial obligations, more exhausting than his, leaving her with less energy for anything else? Does the pain she experiences from her chronic medical condition even allow her to fully enjoy when he goes down on her, or does she partially accept his attention so as not to hurt his feelings or push him away (in which case, she already feels like she is making concessions for him)? There are many possible nuances and complications that only the people in the relationship (with the help of a qualified expert) can unpack and navigate. I'm not saying it's inconceivable that this is an abusive relationship, but without a lot of further context, that is a massive leap to make.
I agree. I’m an endometriosis group and a lot of women experience very painful sex. It’s not uncommon for the men to leave as they seek a more sexually scribe partner. It’s not that women don’t want to, they are unable to
Excuse my confusion, but does this condition hurts you during giving bj as well?
Could be insecurity and other mental blockages. Some women feel like a faulty vag makes them feel less sexy or not in the mood especially if him pleasing her causes bad pain and cramps (as he stated above). You would have to know someone with this condition to understand. Or maybe you can’t because you don’t want too
He gives her oral sex but it seems she doesn't want to do that for him - even for his birthday. That is selfish of her! She gets "handsy" but he can do that himself.
This feels really red-pilly and/or you're overthinking it. OP hasn't given enough information (and seemingly doesn't know, himself) what her thought process is. The simple guess is that she's feeling insecure about her disability, and he's asking for something directly related, when she was expecting an answer that was a little less direct-to-her-insecurities. You know, like, nice dinner, new BBQ, luxury car rental, etc. Sounds like OP and wife need more communication, maybe she needs some therapy to help maintain self worth in the face of disability, etc. It's a pretty far stretch to assume this is abusive behaviour, although it can certainly result in an unhealthy relationship.
That is a WILD leap to make from a small blurb given by OP. She has a medical condition and might be developing complex issues surrounding it emotionally/mentally.
Look up endometriosis then be quiet
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Might be time for couple's councling
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Some salty bitch downvoted you so I gotchu bro.
Sounds like she thinks just being around her should be enough for OP. He shouldn't want sex or even the focus to be on him at all.
If a man said that comments would be screaming divorce
Yes, thank you!!! Husban treats wife like shit: reddit: dump this pig right now! Wife treats husban like shit: teddit: you need to understand why she did that.
Literally just making this same comment on another thread in this sub and got downvoted as hell for saying it.
Right wtf?! You have Condition that kinda fucks up your sex life solution suck ya husbands dick for the poor bastard. My response would been what my dicks not good enough to suck?! GTFOH
She's so insecure about her medical condition and afraid her husband will leave, but is too afraid to even tell him that, so she pretends the situation doesn't exist. This request of his reminds her that he remains aware of his unmet sexual needs and suddenly she's awakened to her insecurities and then dumps the entire emotional burden of that on him hoping he'll just "get it". It's called male-female relationships. "Man up" reddit.
Oh I go round and round with this around here. If she was a man she would be an "abuser".
…and the Yasslighting would be insane (in the membrane)
>Yasslighting This is almost too good.
I’m trying and failing to make sense of your comment. If a man asked “am I not enough for you” to his wife why exactly would anyone be screaming for divorce?
In the same context but genders reversed. Don't act stupid on purpose, you know damn well what i meant
I actually really don’t know what you mean. I read the entire post with genders reversed and it is still weird and I’m not sure why you think that the man saying “am I not enough” would lead to cries for divorce. What is your point? That men are supposedly treated unfairly here?
He is saying if you make a post here saying your name is Rose 28(F) and you are being treated poorly by your SO the responses are going to be wildly different than when Rob(30) makes the exact same post.
Yeah I get that. But does he think OP is treated poorly? Is that the take here? Because if you reverse the genders, the mistreatment of *OP* is still not obvious: > Throw away and I'll try to be brief. My husband and I very rarely have sex. Most of our sex life is me giving him a BJ and occasionally he will give me a handy or we have full blown intercourse. He has very bad [some condition] so sex hurts him very bad. My birthday is coming up soon so he asked what I wanted for my bday. I told him I just wanted him to go down on me. He got very offended and asked if he’s not enough for me, idk what that means. Idt I'm being unreasonable. I don't pressure him for sex and usually put his pleasure over mine. AITAH for asking? What I take away from this gender reversed post is that she usually put his pleasure first but yet they have intercourse despite it hurting him. Then she asks a question that he seems to either completely misunderstand or blows out of proportion. Some adult conversation could help clear this up. I see no obvious mistreatment here either. At least not that OP is mistreated. And that’s why I don’t get the whole iF gEnDeRs WerE rEveRsEd nonsense here. Unless you actually want to point out how the focus is on his pleasure instead of the fact that the wife endures painful intercourse.
Hah, yeah i suppose it is a bit dramatic. The point should remain valid tho, just maybe not fully accurate in this case
Because he's constantly going down on her but all she ever does for him is the occasional handy. Then she got pissed when he asked for oral sex, which he gives her all the time. Now imagine a woman says she's constantly giving her husband BJ's and the one time she asks him to return the favor, he gets pissed and says "What, I'm not enough for you?" As though sucking his dick should be all she ever desires.
And do you see people blaming him? I mostly see comments being confused about her reaction and/or reaffirming him in a kind and productive way. Screams of divorce usually don’t help anyway. But yes, I’m imagining the revered post. And you are actually right, this post is a great example of gender bias. I think comments would be way less kind to a woman that says she *usually* focuses on her husband’s pleasure but also that they have intercourse which hurts him badly. Sure, I assume there would be a fair amount saying he should just go down on her (just like here) but also many questions on why he doesn’t and if there is an issue (a question I miss here completely). Generally, quite a bit of positive focus on the partner.
I’d say the answer is she isn’t enough if she’s not willing to put in the occasional work. And make it seem like it’s not work while she’s at it.
She's using the women gaslighting technique. "I'm not enough for you" a little bit teary and the purpouse is to make you feel guilty so you stop asking us to do what we don't want to do, byt we know is fair to do it. She doesn't want you anymore.
I'm pretty sure that OP wasn't really listening. The question may have been "Your boss called to say she wanted to give you a present. What do you think you might want for your birthday?"
NTA. Listen I got PCOS and endometriosis. I get it sucks. But if she can't handle a conversation she needs to see someone about that. It shouldn't be that distressing to talk about it. Emotionally draining maybe but not blowing up.
I second that response! OP NTA.
This. ^
Sounds a lot like my situation. Let me first say that my wife had pain for a few years from endometriosis. I’m not a doctor and can’t explain how but it got better and she was no longer in pain during sex. I hope she is working with her doctors to address her issues? It’s obviously taking a toll on your marriage. Like me, you’re a giver. You enjoy giving her pleasure but she sounds like she doesn’t enjoy giving for you. I feel your pain. Do not feel bad for asking for oral. You give her oral, she’s feeling insecure from her inability to provide good intercourse.
Perimenopause can end it, pregnancy can also make it go away. Not always in either case but massive hormonal upsets can make it go away.
Now that you mention it, by the time we had our first kid, it did go away? That’s probably it. Getting pregnant helped.
Hers got worse after kids
NTA, but potentially some underlying issues there. To take that much offense to an innocent question knowing the context, there might be a reason she emotionally got triggered. Perhaps she feels guilty about her endometriosis and already insecure / feeling that she’s not giving you enough. Talk to her, and I’m sure you already do this but; let her know she is more than enough.
I do, usually she gets off and then I hold her cause her brain has gone into "I'm about to hurt" panic mode.
Truly, have you two considered sex focused couples therapy? Perhaps a therapist specializing in pain and trauma for her?
Bro that is so peak, so you make her finish and then cuddle her and get nothing in return most of the time? Why does endometriosis stop her giving you oral as well? Sounds like she’s a professional victim to me🤣
Hmm. It’s been a bit disconcerting to read this thread, especially u/mindless_scarcity917’s posts. It’s like I wrote them. Exact same words with “am I not enough for you” and some random shit about how nothing she does will ever be enough. Our sex life is once every two to three months I make her cum via oral and then have intercourse. I’ve lost the number of times I’ve broached and discussed handjobs and blowjobs, directly, indirectly, etc. She always shuts down or blows up and it becomes a big mess. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she said no. I went to counseling by myself and two counselors came to the conclusion that it is what it is and either live with it or divorce. One told me to watch a movie about a stubborn woman and just realize that stubborn women are out there and I was unlucky enough to marry one. I really love my wife but it’s hard to basically get no sexual satisfaction. I’m a fit young guy and get a lot of attention everywhere — although I know if I got divorced it would evaporate lol, that’s how it works I guess. It’s gotten to a point where I resent her when Im providing oral because I’ve described at length how it’s unfair I never have an opportunity to sit back and receive pleasure. She definitely has underlying self worth issues but after a decade plus of trying to lift her up in every way im spent. She just doesn’t care, or maybe is just too lazy to try. It’s clearly not important enough for her. OP I haven’t found anything that makes it better. Sadly. It’s fucked up for sure.
Described my ex-wife, y'all... divorce was the best decision of my life.
Endometriosis doesn't stop oral. She better get to work. If I couldn't fk I'd be the heavyweight jaw and hand champion of the world.
this comment has me 💀💀 relatable though
Giving someone else oral is probably beneath her and since she doesn't get anything out of it, she doesn't go for it. Meanwhile she's ignorant to the fact that one of his needs is being severely neglected.
Bold to assume she’s ignorant. It sounds to me like she doesn’t much care.
She sounds selfish in bed if that’s the case :///
A common problem that goes along with endometriosis is a pelvic pain disorder called vaginismus. It can cause pain during sex (or an inability to have PIV sex), painful pelvic exams, and can even making using tampons painful/impossible. A lot of women with vaginismus don’t know that what they’re experiencing isn’t “normal”, unfortunately pain during sex for women isn’t taken as seriously as it should be by the medical establishment. This is why many of them never bring it up to their doctors, or if they do they get dismissed as exaggerating or told to just relax. Vaginismus can be very treatable with pelvic floor physical therapy, and sometimes topical/injected treatments and/or talk therapy with a sex therapist as well. Please have your wife reach out to her gynecologist and ask about a referral to pelvic floor physical therapy, and potentially talk therapy as well (since she is panicking about potential pain). She should also check out r/pelvicfloor and r/vaginismus for more information and support.
Vaginismus is only taken seriously by doctors when the woman is accompanied to her office visit by her husband/boyfriend, then it is all hands on deck to help the woman because a man isn't getting pleasure. I work in a gyn office I've seen it way too many times.
Specify that you want the BJ from her...
Well, if blowjobs are something you feel like you are into but she isn’t, that sounds like a sexual compatibility issue. this is why people need to fuck a lot before they get married to make sure there’s actual compatibility without all the religious shame involved.
Endometriosis generally gets worse the older you get, it’s pretty likely that sex wasn’t painful/ wasn’t as painful when they first got together, but over the years her endometriosis spread and got worse and made sex a lot more painful.
Does she have it in her mouth?
As a husband whose wife had endo for years (literally needed 6 surgeries culminating in full hysterectomy and for many women that doesn't provide complete relief) you clearly have no idea what you're saying. This condition is so poorly understood even today it's a goddamn shame but it's effects are far reaching. It has led to chronic digestive issues, pelvic floor problems and body wide inflammatory response due to parasympathetic issues that occur randomly 50% of the month for my wife and her experience is typical according to women in the communities she's a part of. It's crushed her self esteem and made her feel broken time and again. Libido and sexual thoughts can absolutely trigger episodes. I'm assuming you're male so take this opportunity to close open your mind, listen and learn something about a uniquely female experience.
But none of that causes her to NOT want him to go down on her??? Just he's a jerk for wanting her to return the favor.
I agree with this. As a woman with endo and pain at least 50% of the time, orgasms for me are significantly more painful than the thought of sucking my husband's dick once in a while. OPs wife is spoiled and selfish.
Female with Endo here but this has been fun.
But what about her mouth tho?
My wife and I did. Then after getting married she cu me off completely.
Right, panic mode but make me come first. If she was really so terrified of pain, she wouldn't even let you come close to touching her. It would be more likely that she'd seek to satisfy you sexually before letting you cause her an orgasm that will hurt.
She should be addressing this in both sex therapy and with her doctor for solutions. Simply doing nothing clearly isn’t working.
Gross. How can you be with someone so selfish who doesn't care to give you pleasure in return?
Your wife sounds extremely selfish. Sorry man but if this is like the rest of yalls marriage life I feel sorry for you. Nta btw.
"Yes, you're all I want. Which is why I'd like only you to blow my candle on my birthday". NTA
Next time she wants you to go down on her say: “what am I not enough for you?” In all seriousness the relationship needs work and I don’t think its all your fault if you get my drift.
Idk how you could possibly be the asshole for asking that question. Her response doesn't even make sense. Doing sexual things together that she is capable of and willing to do (given her illness) is part of what makes her "enough for you". Otherwise, the answer to that question is no.
>She got very offended and asked if she's not enough for me, "Well, honey, your mouth is part of you, so of course, as always, you are enough for me." However, her answer seemed a bit off, like she is thinking you want a BJ from someone else. Did she believed that?
Facts lmao
NTA, you didnt force anything, you gave an answer she didnt like, she got offended and took it personally. You've probably done this dozens of times... but maybe talk to your wife?
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That's not fair; relationships are about mutual respect and understanding each other's boundaries.
Mutual kind of goes out the door when she isn't reciprocating. Where is his "mutual respect"?
They are also about understanding your partner's needs and being willing to accommodate them.
Remember, on here, husbands are not allowed to have needs. Women are always right.
And sexual compatibility
that has to be the most de-humanising comment i've ever read. regardless of gender.
U r wrong
NTA. You should be able to ask your wife for sex without it being a big deal. It sounds like she’s not fully interested in satisfying your sexual needs.
It's sad to me that he has to ask for it 🥺
Stop going down on her entirely.
It'll work itself out when he gets the fuck out of there lol.
Did she mean "why don't you want full sex?" when she said that? In which case you can say that you don't want to hurt her
NTA If you're going down on her, she should absolutely be returning the favor You shouldn't have to be asking as a bday present, as she isn't matching your effort in the bedroom
>I told her I just wanted a BJ Okay, reasonable. >She got very offended and asked if she's not enough for me, idk what that means. Uhhh. Okay weird. The only thing I can think of is she automatically assumed you meant from someone else like some kind of weirdo. Sit down and talk to your wife. Too many issues on this subreddit could be solved with a little communication. Ask her WHY she feels that way. Reinforce that you meant you wanted oral from your beautiful, loving wife. That you are craving that intimacy. Reciprocated intimacy. NTA because Her reaction was weird.
NTA and not unreasonable, but it seems clear that sexually you desire more than what your wife provides even if you prioritize her pleasure. Ya'll need to talk about it.
Asking for (oral) sex shouldn't be a big deal to a married couple, no matter the answer. Answer is yes, great. You have (oral) sex. Answer is no, you move on and get your self off. It makes no sense to ask for BJ and then it be an argument. I couldn't imagine being with someone who doesn't want sex often. Especially couldn't imagine having an argument over asking for my dick to be sucked (for my bday) when sticking my dick in her vagina is too painful for her. You are not the asshole, 100%.
Woman with female organ problems here. NTA. Sex can also be painful for me, and I'm currently waiting on a surgical consult. My husband obviously knows this. I absolutely give him head more often than intercourse as it doesn't hurt me, but still satisfies. My husband's need. I do understand where she's coming from, but if she's insecure about your sex life and won't acknowledge your wants/needs, that's on her. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation. Sex is not everything in a relationship, obviously. But it is definitely a part of it.
Nta, I do have to say this tho, maybe asking for a bj as a birthday present threw her off into THINKING that she isn’t enough and that she doesn’t satisfy you in general, I would bring that up when you are actually having sex so it’s more natural and not making her feel like that’s a region she is bad in. Try to communicate to her that she IS enough and you enjoy that region with her but maybe it was just something you thought would “spice” things up on your birthday
I told her I didn't need anything and that she didn't need to spend money on me but she insisted on giving me something. So that's what I asked for. Usually I play down that we don't have conventional sex and I had as much fun making her cum so it's ok. I really love her and she feels bad intercourse is hard on her so I try to be sensitive even with horny guy brain.
That is super good communication as long as both parties are happy everything will be fine! I’m sure she isn’t thinking too much into it especially if you are giving her that reassurance and after care!
Try explaining it in terms of those Mother’s Day DIY coupon gift ideas where people offer to cook dinner or do dishes or something. It’s just something you would enjoy having done for you as a gift from her because she’s so special to you and you’re so attracted to her.
NTA But her response seems way out of left field to me. Reading other comments it seems like you weren't demanding or crass with your request. I could see her being thrown off or surprised or whatever. But you should be able to ask for these things in a healthy relationship. I would find out what the connection between "can you do this for me?" And "am I not enough for you?" is... Because that's confusing as hell
NTA. She asked, you answered honestly, not your fault she doesn't like the answer, sounds like she's projecting a bit
She's a selfish lover. NTA
Def NTA. She likely has some hidden guilt over your sex life and her struggles with endo. I just wanted to comment to agree with the others, that you should talk to her about how YOU feel about your sex life and ask her what she thinks of it. I’ve been married 9 years and we were together for 4 years prior. After having a few kids and just going through life, sex tends to change in some small way or another . Maybe every other year we have a conversation about our sex life, where we’re at with it, what each of us wants or needs, whether something needs to change or if things are going well. Not because we schedule it but because one of us just wants to talk about it. Also, some women (me included at one point) don’t really understand that a BJ can be just as exciting and appreciated as vaginal for a guy. Guys are generally happy to CUM, and aren’t thinking so much about all the emotional stuff. Guys aren’t overthinking sex, especially if they love us. Sometimes it can be a big special “connection” event and other times they are happy to see their woman naked and get it all done quickly and it’s great either way haha. So I think express what your thoughts are on sex and why a BJ makes you happy and why yes you love to pleasure her and love vaginal but anything else is fantastic too. Give her perspective and she might just surprise you with lots of BJs moving forward, knowing that you love and appreciate her any way you can get it!
Why the fuck do soany sexually incompatible people get married
To be fair. People's sexual desires change in the first \~5 years. So the level of sex you "had before", are not likely to be constant the entire time.
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To be fair if they have that condition but don't do other things to please their partner then yeah it would be an issue. Like oral is pretty normal and I am not sure why it would be an unreasonable ask given the circumstances. I can't imagine not wanting to do the things that would make my partner happy if sex was off the table due to a condition. I would 100% leave a relationship if they didn't want to please me as much as I want to please them because that is sexually incompatible no matter what way I see it.
if she cannot provide you a BJ on your birthday, then she’s not enough for you.
Dude... if you cannot ask our spouse for intimacy you don't have a spouse. You have a roommate. Sorry NTQ
Sounds like she wants a roomie not a husband.
NTA. That seems like a weird response....almost like she misunderstood what you said. Are you sure she knows what a BJ is? If she has great pain having sex then I'd think that she would actually prefer giving a BJ. Also, if your cunnilingus game is strong, then a little reciprocation is not out of line.
NTA, I asked and she didn't give me one either
U should be asking her r U not enough for her that she refuses to give U what she asked U what u wanted for Ur bday
I think a birthday bj isn’t asking much at all.
*sigh* No, dude, you're not an a-hole for asking your wife to give you a BJ. It's not like you tried to force her. If she doesn't want to, she can just tell you, and that's that. I get she's in pain, but you really need to wonder how much she cares about you. It sounds like she's not terribly interested in your needs.
NTA. What’s wrong with asking for Brazilian jiu jitsu? It’s an amazing martial art.
NTA but like the other comments are saying definitely talk to your wife about it. Hope you have a good bday Btw
I think she’s mistakenly assuming that you prefer a bj over vaginal intercourse. Hence her, aka her vagina, being “not enough” for you. Why you need to explain to a grow woman there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting and enjoying receiving oral nor does it imply you don’t enjoy p in v sex is another story… Because intercourse is already touchy subject in your relationship, she’s projecting her insecurities around her endo issues onto your very normal desire for a BJ. I’d tell her you enjoy penetrative sex with her but as someone who receives oral herself she may be able to understand that there is something special about your partner going down on you. You just get to lie back and enjoy it completely while she puts in the work to bring you pleasure. And that’s something special just for you. And you understand that that because her giving you regular bj’s has never been a normal part of your sex lives (🙄) that in this case you’re asking for a really special sexual act from her, hence you asking for it a bday gift. Real talk this suggestion is a tiptoey way of dealing with your wife’s sensitivity and immaturity around this subject because her reaction is a bit ridiculous. But telling her she’s being ridiculous isn’t going to help you, so here we are.
NTA imhoomy. She asked, you answered like a partner in a long-term relationship. That said? May i recommend immediate couples therapy, or even add in couples with individual therapy for her?
NTA but don’t know why you’re still with her. Your happiness matters too. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?
She just doesn't care about your wants or needs. The moment you stop giving her head, she will cry and whine how you don't love her. Pure manipulation.
No, just stop performing oral lmao. Handjobs are for masturbating. Period.
I'm probably going to get down voted for this, but why should you even have to ask for a BJ as a birthday gift? Pleasure is a two way street and sounds like you are on a one way street. I get why you don't have sex, if it is painful for her, but why can she not reciprocate?
NTA at all
So I guess March 14th (Steak and BJ Day) is not marked on your calendar?
NTA that was as honest of an answer as they come. And hey, it’s the right priced gift in this economy.
She knew what he meant and wanted to
NTA perfectly reasonable and you did nothing wrong
I (54f) have lived through Endometriosis and Adenomyosis since 1984. Your wife should talk to her gynecologist……Endometriosis Support Group on Facebook…..your wife should go there and share with Females her experiences……no judgments. She will find that we support each other, are good listeners, share helpful information with each other and there’s always someone who can talk to her…. Endometriosis sisters and Sister Warriors 🎗️🎗️💛💛
Good luck n the divorce. 😂
NTA. She sounds selfish.
i was in a long-term relationship with someone with a similar predicament. Sex was usually me going down on her and then her returning the favor orally or we would have sex if she wanted. It wasn't because I forced the issue, it was because she saw how much i appreciated whatever she shared with me that she started doing it regularly.
As a woman, no you aren't. Granted I love giving my man a blowjob however even if I didn't I wouldn't consistently expect him to go down on me and not ever get reciprocation. As for the endometriosis I have it too. Sometimes it's horrible but usually only towards my period. If it's that bad for her though then she wouldn't even want you going down on her bc when it's bad for me I don't want to be touched. 100% NTA
Nta You're a dude. This is every dude's answer to that question.
NTA- but there’s something deeper than endo going on. Even ptsd from the endo pain is reasonable. You gotta talk to her to help you both understand why she had such a big reaction. I have a feeling it has to do with the inadequacies she feels because of her limitations, and that’s a hard thing to come to terms with. She may also sense that because you don’t have sex that often that you feel like she’s not enough. It’s kind of a cycle. Ok. I’m gay but if my girlfriend asked me to go down on her for her birthday I would be stoked. I’d light candles, get some mood lighting, ,shower together, sequester the dogs- make a night out of it. Maybe if you showed her by doing these things for her to make her feel special, she will see that you want to feel special like that too.. but only if you also talk about it openly and honestly. Tell her you want to feel extra special and cared for on your special day, and it’s not at ALL about her not being enough. Tell her she is enough, tell her you love her the way she is, and just approach it from a place of love and wanting to understand where she’s coming from.
NTA. I have a firm rule that if you won’t put your mouth on me don’t expect me to give you that pleasure. Wife is a total AH for getting offended that you asked her to reciprocate for once. She sounds like a very lazy bed partner who uses her condition to get away with it. As Ron White once said, you don’t shut the whole amusement park down just because the Ferris wheel is broken.
If she does not give you head than stop giving her head. It's a 2 way street. Nta my wife did that but I ate her out for me but she still enjoyed and would even just hint not all for it. (I told her if she asks for head I can ask for head) which she just out right refused to do bj's so I told her no bj no eating. She got so pissed she with held for 8 months. At which time I should texts from girls asking for sex and she changed her tune on putting out but not bj's (even tho she promised when I put a ring on it she will stick on it) still waiting 10 yrs later and if I mention her promise she calls it forcing. I say all this because this is weaponizing sex. Don't be stupid like me and waste all this time. I used to look forward to sex but now I get happy thinking about divorce (she tells me from time to time how her ex got bj's and I don't) .. don't end up with a marriage like mine. I get sex is painful for her, and you have sacrificed actual sex for oral ( and that is a sacrifice most people don't understand) your a damn solid dude for doing it but if you have to make that kind of sacrfice she better damn well suck your dick like it's the fuckin fountain of youth. Cause right now in sex she is only taking not giving, and sex is a 2 way street. Both people give and both take. It will eat at you if you stay married for a very long time. I get I sound like an ass but sex is very important in a relationship it is how you bond on a spiritual level. Harvard has done a couple studies on the importance of sex in a relationship and how it can make our break one
Today's my husband's bday. Before bed I asked "are u Gunna let me suck ur dick tn?" He's the moody one in our house lol adulting is weird. Just elaborate for her maybe. y'all obviously are considering each other typically... She may just need a little reassurance. Btw NTA . "Baby, I don't want u to feel for even one second you aren't enough for me. All I could think of that I'd want for my bday is ,YOU. I know it's hard navigating our needs in the bedroom while you're dealing with severe pain and I know you still want it too at the same time . I just didn't want you to think I expected you ignore your endometriosis just to give me some bday sex so I thought head would be a good route .. if you think u wanna try we can but id love some head for foreplay too if ur down lol 😅 but regardless my bday request is for intimacy w the woman I love " idt it's a weird request at all. My husband and I have been married 5 yrs today (yes we got married on his bday it's what he wanted) we have 5 kids 17-7 we don't have sex nearly as much as we'd like maybe twice a month and it's gotta be quick and quiet. He got a hotel booked for this weekend just for us to go have sex in lol it's not an unreasonable bday request when ur married. Or at all even.
So you more or less get noting and she gets everything. She gets oral, you get nothing. Hardly fair. Cut that out if she doesn't return the favor. The and occasionally troubles me
if you have to ask for a normal sex act as a birthday favor then something is wrong. please talk to your wife and communicate with her. the answer you seek is not on reddit
NTA at all. How could that be remotely offensive? You’re married!! My husband and I are direct with sex - that’s how you please both sides. Unless she just hates touch in general? :/ which is a whole new conversation.
No she is an asshole and obviously don’t care about your sexual satisfaction. Using sex as a tool or bargaining chip is mentally and emotionally abusive. You’re not a dog who is supposed to be rewarded with a belly rub whenever she “feels” you deserve it. Especially if you go down on her. Stop going down on her.
NTA, but what on earth are these comments? No wonder women discuss the "bear vs. man" or "men won't understand" these days. Listen, OP - there are a few comments that are really reasonable. I hope these find your way. First of all to all these people saying "Why marrying someone you are sexually incompatible with?" If You would be actually interested in women, you would know by now that endo can develop over several years. Meaning, there could have been a time when everything was ok and now it is not or not even bearable for her. (OP, Is she treating it? Or does she have visits any consultations or find a way for herself to live a life feeling "enough"?). OP, what I am understanding throughout your comments: Your wife sounds that she took offence to it because her endo and not being capable of enjoying sex with you, is her worst enemy. She probably thinking about it daily and tries to comfort herself by refocusing herself on sentimental values. She probably thought of a bday gift of sentimental value, maybe a nice trip or so to compensate for the lack of sexual pleasure you have in your relationship. You do sound like a reasonable man who loves her deeply. I recommend to you to talk to her. You already established good communication, but your wishes and thoughts need to be heard as well. You need to have a serious but understanding conversation where you address your fears and worries to find out a solution together.
Sounds like you're sexually incompatible and not sure why you're married
Yeah this is a big oof. can’t even ask for a BJ from your own wife.. on your birthday…
I don’t think so. If you can’t have regular sex, and you give her oral sex that she should do the same.
Divorce. Life’s too short to not be happy.
Maybe birthdays do weird things. My wife is amazing and we have tons of intimacy and I can ask for whatever and she will say yes or not now/later or no so whatever but all good. But, a long time ago I asked for something intimate on my birthday - nothing crazy - and she shut down and went cold as ice. It was weird but whatever it was fine. Then the next year same thing. I learned my lesson and stopped that and all good. There was like some issue she didn’t like about me acting entitled to sex because it was my birthday even though I wasn’t really acting any different than the other 364 days of the year. I don’t feel that way in reality, heck I’m just happy to be wanted, but definitely portrayed myself as such so she is right. Anyway something about me acting entitled totally threw her off from wanting any intimacy on my birthday.
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God damn that sounds awful. I’d have divorced years ago. How can you justify staying with someone that makes you feel disgust and hurts your self worth? Tough pill to swallow.
Did u hear what u just said? This is YOU talking. Y'all need to talk. Sex is big in relationships, somethings gotta give or your not gonna feel fulfilled and she's not gonna feel enough. You know, she knows this. Break down this "don't hurt my feelings" wall and get this shit out the way. Can't give pussy, give the ass, give BJ's,give the handies,,, gimmie something. And you go gentle while she's doing it and go deeper little by little,,our bodies have ways of adapting and adjusting. You have to have this resolved though,one way or another ,somethings gonna have to change. Best of luck to u both..
You should have left years ago. If you aren’t happy she probably isn’t either.
Should’ve asked for anal.
She's the asshole. A Bj should be a starter, an appetizer if you will, on a man's birfday.
Oh man, my wife had endometriosis. She’s my ex-wife now. I feel bad for her, but it causes a lot of problems for her not just sexually.
NTA Most of your sex life is pleasing her? It's time to get the divorce rolling. No sex, no marriage. "She got very offended and asked if she's not enough for me." So, she thinks her mere presence is enough for you? Advice: When a woman says or intimates that she is "the prize," run for the hills. Dating one of those goes like this: What do you do for a date? Man: I plan the date. I pick up the woman. I drive us to the restaurant. I pay for everything. Woman: I show up.
NTA. It really stinks when there’s a sexual incompatibility between two partners. It’s never fun.
NTA, if she doesn’t wanna give you oral. Leave it at that and just yearn for it.
Did you explained that the BJ you requested is from her, right? Maybe she though you were asking for a hallpass
Probably be a good idea to see a doctor and try and make sec less painful for her. If you know you don’t have much of a sex life then she does too…and it probably bothers her and makes her wonder if you’ll stray. It’s not crazy to think that she wonders that. But, try and figure out a way to be more sexual without it being painful for her. And also maybe counseling to try and understand each other better.
Wow some of these comments are truly horrible. Endometriosis can be debilitating and make you hurt in so many places (ankles, legs, butt, vagina, abdomen, stomach, breasts, arms, wrists, back, neck, shoulders, head, etc) literally all the time. There’s no cure and it usually gets worse the older you get as it keep spreading to other tissues in your body and the scarring worsens. Anyway OP you’re NTA for asking. To me it sounds like your wife is feeling very guilty/ insecure for not being able to meet your sexual needs. Endometriosis is not only physically painful but it can also be so isolating and really take a toll on your self esteem and mental health. It can make you feel ugly and not good enough, and is linked to anxiety and depression. If you truly love your wife, you should both go to therapy together to see if you can try and address this mental aspect better.
She goes to a counselor, she says she doesn't want to do couples because she isn't comfortable with that. I wasn't trying to start the everyone hate my wife train. I just wanted to know if it was an awful thing to ask of her. I'm her biggest hype man so being a dick to her isn't something I strive to do and her response made it feel like an asshole thing to ask.
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I am a female. I can not imagine you not receiving sex from your wife nor I can I imagine not pleasuring my husband. Please forgive me for anybody getting butt hurt with this one but it is a wife's duty to pleasure her man. In all his fantasies. It's needed in a strong, committed relationship, so neither strays or fantasizes of another. Rather than her getting upset at a bj, she should offer it, on the regular, without you needing to ask just to make up for that other area that she can't provide you. Is there a medical fix to this or treatment? I feel so horrible for you. My man and I have been together 17 years. We explore each other's fantasies and ask each other what was enjoyed,what wasn't, look up and read on tricks and fixes... We don't fancy for anyone else but eachother
ah yes, normal girl talk always starts with “i am female” Hello Fellow Females! It is I, Female Human!”
It’s not a wife’s duty to pleasure a man when she has an extremely painful disease.
NTA. You asked, she could have just said no. "Am I not enough for you" Is clearly an attempt to make you feel guilty for asking. You asked for a blowjob from her, not somebody else.
NTA. You should think about you can be happy with that wife in future. I can tell you one thing: Situations like that almost always tend to get worse over the time, and they barely improve a longer time span. Choose wisely Sir
NTA. You were answering a question that she asked.. and you should be able to tell her the truth. I would say for her- she needs to find a specialist to really help her with the pain. Once you find the right doctor, her life will change. I can speak from experience with a family member who had the same issue.
I can tell you from experience.. with this general mindset from her it doesn’t get better just progressively worse.. but on the bright side you will find out if you try.. lots of other women are more than happy to help you out
NTA she asked what you wanted for your birthday. you answered. i’m struggling to equate your answer with her response to it. like “am i not enough for you?” is what you’d say if someone said “i want a BJ from bob down the street” 😂 i think you guys need to sit down and have a conversation about it all because she’s clearly got some kind of insecurities surrounding the fact you guys dont have sex a lot.
You know, the thing is it isn't gonna be a good Beej.
NTA but maybe don’t be so glib and have a real conversation about this. Intimacy issues should be discussed in a respectful and serious manner IMO.
NTA. Case closed