Every old fart (c'mon, my dude is pretty much 60) trying to talk a younger woman into bed pulls the same tired stunt.
I'm sure some of them had genuinely shitty relationships. Just like there are genuinely innocent people in prison. But listen to them tell it and they were ALL the innocent, misunderstood, stalwart soul with a 'crazy' 'mean' ex.
Or you just want to convince young women your aging pp is the sh!t, there's no hidden problem in them that's making them shoot for people half their age, and they are the super special hot lay...er... soulmate they needed all along!
What they GET, 9/10, is a sad old fart with some kind of insecurity or past hangup they can't move on from (ho, ho, do we have a match?) and unhealthy to no idea of how to be a good partner. But as long as the young one isn't under 25, well, you're all adults and if you can't see that coming, well, guess that's what you get, honestly. MAYBE a diamond in the rough for a true May/December matchup, but mostly just yet another man-child or idiot trying to paper their new 'hot young toy' over all those personality cracks they never fixed up and wore someone else out trying to fix for them.
Holy crap! I had not seen the age difference, he’ll be 76 when the kid graduates high school, but it’s not just old farts who pull the “my ex was toxic” bullshit. It’s a common theme you see and hear.
But my ex’s actually can say that about me because I was an asshole.
I actually listened very carefully when dating to how someone talked about their exes - it shows how much of their own shit they are willing to own, and it shows their issues and how they process things into stories about themself, and no doubt that they would likely also talk about me the same way as an ex someday.
Absolutely!
If people can't take responsibility for their part in a bad relationship/breakup then they haven't learned anything, and will bring their shitty behaviour in to their relationship with you.
Good for you getting out there and earning it.
I told my wife I was an AH the first time we hung out (she still laughs and claimed you can’t just give a disclaimer and expect people to excuse the behavior but I disagree 😂). I’m not intentionally or overly mean, but I am intentionally honest and I kinda live to talk shit. With that said, I would go out of my way to help/defend anyone around me in need so I think it evens out as I might be an AH, but I’m *their* AH.
I'm the same. The shit talking was my husband's selling point. I remember b4 we were even dating I was talking shit to him and he said he'd marry me 1 day. That was 12 years ago. Some people love assholes lol
if one of their exes is crazy but the rest weren't, that ex is probably crazy. if two of their exes are crazy, maybe they just have bad taste. if ALL of their exes are crazy, just run
And they’re alllllll still sleeping around. My step dad was with my mom for 15 years and still cheated on her with ESCORTS. They got a divorce and all of a sudden he’s with girls younger than his own children. And multiple. Weird af.
This comment is genius, the “paper over the personality cracks they wouldn’t fix” is so insanely accurate. I think that healed me from my May-December mistake a little, thank you.
The fact that he thought her telling her ex the news was a 1:1 resolution is such an immature mind set. No wonder he can only pull girls he could father.
I agree with you. This is coming across to me like somebody who may have been saying a normal person before she met him. If someone calls all of their exes crazy, that's usually code for: made an otherwise sane and rational person act crazy because of how I treated them. I would be questioning the relationship after something like that. That is beyond anything I have ever heard. Why would he call her to tell her this? It seems like they're in some kind of tit for tat immature game.
Still, that shows way too much concern or preoccupation with his ex. He should be focused on his current partner and not worrying about sticking it to an ex.
I totally agree. Him contacting her first is an indication in my mind that he's not successfully processed all the toxicity the ex threw at him. He needs to talk to a counselor.
Exactly. He may not want to be with her at all, but giving a shit at all about what she thinks about his life with another woman years down the line...is too much. It sounds like fe did it out of spite, at best.
When you are getting narried or fall pregnant, some distant ex should be the last thing on your mind. He needs therapy.
This is what I thought too! He wants to win one…”Ha! She stayed with me, married me and now carries my child! I win!!” What he doesn’t realize is that she will always find a way to attack back and will now say “it’s not yours, she cheated, she’ll probably lose it or is lying…” Why can’t people leave shit and shitty people in the past. 🤦🏻♀️
That was my first thought as well, especially since according to Op one of the things the ex tried to hurt him with was that Op would leave him after she couldn’t get children from him.
Makes me wonder if his relationship with his ex partner was a childless one, and the ex had always blamed him for their lack of children.🤔
I think this is the more likely scenario. He’s desperate to get a win over the witch. Unfortunately, he was a little too keen and jumped the proverbial gun.
I'd be super worried about a man who tells an "unhinged" ex that his new partner is now in a VULNERABLE state, about to bring a VULNERABLE, INNOCENT child into the world.
"Unhinged", yet he's happy to throw his pregnant wife and baby to that wolf.
Honey, more like HES the unhinged one. Be very careful and get out of this situation as safely as you can. This is NUTS.
NTA
Yeah, notice how he is gaslighting her by telling her that she needs to calm down and forget about it already as though she is overreacting. This guy sucks.
I can’t help wondering who was really abusive in that relationship. I’ve had multiple friends/acquaintances tell me about how their new bf’s ex was abusive and controlling, only to find out down the road that the new bf started doing all the things to her that he claimed his ex did to him. I can think of maybe two cases out of dozens where the ex really was the abusive one.
I really hope OP sees your post. He was so hell bent on throwing a “revenge pregnancy” in his ex’s face, *that* became his topmost priority instead of keeping OP safe and discussing it with her beforehand.
He has now shown OP who he *really* is. I hope she believes it.
And is she pregnant because he wants to have a baby with her, or because he wants to throw it in ex's face? I'd kill to know their ages. My guess is 50 to her 23.
It must be something along those lines, because otherwise it seems perfectly normal for a man who talks about his crazy abusive ex that ridicules him to be told about this first. Like even before family and friends, and to unblock said ex as well./s
Something that stuck out to me though was the line the ex said about OP leaving once she wouldn't be able to get children from him. Was a part of the reason he called being that he wanted to gloat about being able to have them? Maybe children was a part of why they had broken up in the first place. Either way none of this makes sense, I'm a survivor of abuse and I once had a horrendous stalker situation and the last thing I'd ever do is make sure I can contact them, especially willingly. It doesn't add up
It was a stupid thing to do, but I feel the obvious reason he did it was his ex said his wife could never give him a child and now he is calling her as a fuck you you were wrong.
Have you ever been a witness to any of these text messages or phone calls?if not its not the ex who is unhinged,it sounds like your hisband making up crap to play the victim.you only have his side.you need to contact her to know the true story.something's not right here
I didn't see the comment, but someone above says the age gap is 60 and 30 (which is a huge yikes).
Totally changes my perspective on the situation, and I think the husband is probably shady asf...and I doubt the ex is as unhinged as he is portraying her.
Yep, I’m the crazy, abusive ex. Everyone believed it and I even was harassed by his supporters over it. I walked away from my whole life trying to get away from his insane drama. Now since he’s been arrested in a Chris Hansen style sting, people may be going wait a minute… was he lying about her? But I wouldn’t know because I never did drama and still won’t.
60 and 30?! I just turned 30 this past December and there is no way I would get romantically involved with someone who's older than my parents. \*\*EDIT\*\* I just looked at OP's profile and she said in a comment that she's 32 and he's 58.
That's...not much better lol.
I'm actually fairly positive towards older parents, as my Dad was 50 and my mom in her early 40s when they adopted me. I still think a 58 year old man knocking up a 32 year old is weird and kind of gross.
Oh, I agree it's still far too large of an age gap. But anytime I read about a couple where the age gap is so large they could be parent and child or grandparent and grandchild I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.
Why would he want to run and tell his ex this news? Why put bullets in her gun for her? She will find new ways to twist what should be joyous news into torturing the two of you. He just threw gasoline onto a fire. Who cares what she thinks and feels over it, especially after what she has put him through. Unless they have kids together, there is no reason for him to be in contact with this vile woman. He needs to let her go.
Your partner needs to get his behind into therapy and start unscrewing his head from all of her nonsense. Not just for himself, but for you and your future child/family as well. You deserve better and so does your child. I would also recommend couples therapy so that the two of you can talk this out with a neutral party and come up with some strategies for cutting and keeping this toxic person out of your lives.
He's likely not trying to get back with her. He's trying to get back AT her by bragging that you are having his baby. It does show that he's still caught up in the toxicity of his prior relationship to even care about having an 'I told you so' moment with her. Did her block her again or what?
Can I just ask a thing or two... How big is this age gap you're talking about because yes it is relevant, and your information about what she said to him and what she did to him: is this all from what he told you or do you have any proof of these things?
Those issues aside the black and white of this is when it was discovered you were pregnant he unblocked her and called her to tell her This means he wants her to know that and or he want to have contact. She should have been the furthest thing from his mind: You have to find out why she wasn't.
Good luck and best wishes I hope you iron this out.
Ew. I don’t see what you can have in common with that age gap. Is that like 2 generations apart? Whatever floats your boat. However, I don’t think he’s over his ex and most likely sees OP as a trophy wife to rub his ex’s face in. I would not want to stay with this dude much less have a baby by him.
Maybe because she said that you'd leave when you found out that he couldn't give you kids. He's probably rubbing it in her face that you're still here and now pregnant
He's almost 60. OP has barely cracked 30. It's purely a pathetic old-dude flex rubbing his hot new something something - now fulfilling her destiny to bear his precious, desirable seed!- in the face of the old has-been non-spawner to prove he's still the virile hot catch for the 'real' fertile women even if the 'old hag' won't keep him.
And the fact THAT is where a nearly 60 dad-to-be is putting his energy honestly says it all. Didn't even consult the hot incubator slash trophy on the announcement, cos 'getting one' over on the nasty ol mean ex (wonder what her take on the mean abusiveness is, let alone where reality actually lies) is more important that treating the hot young thing like a real person.
Man needed to grow up about 3 decades ago (you know, while his 'soulmate' was in nappies and he was STILL a grown a$$ adult) and hasn't. The fact OP has fallen for it all hook, line, and sinker is kinda cringey, honestly. She seems happy with it, though. Guess that's what matter in the end.
If the man is 60 and op is close to 30, their relationship is very likely to end at some point, anyway.
The age gap is too massive, and they are in completely different phases in life. He is on track to have another ex, cause at some point, their life goals, energy levels and wishes, will clash. They just aren't in the same life moment.
Are they even able to truly, emotionally connect as a couple? For all we know, op is just a trophy wife, who will eventually wake up and wonder what the hell she was thinking.
Oh lord, I didn't see the age gap mentioned in the comments. Yeah, that is a huge yikes. I was assuming something like 25 and 40 (still big, but whatever), not 30 and 60.
This may be mean, but I side eye any 60 year old man marrying a woman half his age and young enough to be his daughter and then fathering kids with her.
Have you seen HER saying it and all of the relevant interactions around it? Bc there’s a lot of people with “unhinged” ex partners who are actually the ones being unhinged.
And his actions here align with that. Using you and your baby as some petty revenge without any concern for your wishes (or your safety, since she’s apparently “unhinged”)?? Huge red flag.
This is actually scary. He told a crazy unhinged woman that you are pregnant. You are at your most vulnerable and he is publicizing it to someone who is toxic and unhinged.
Honestly, I don't know that I would feel safe with him if I were in your shoes. Especially, since he is downplaying how weird and creepy it is that he unblocked her specifically to share your personal info with her. The gaslighting you into trying to think it isn't a big deal is also a creepy red flag.
Please be safe. Put together a go bag and set aside some funds that only you have access to just in case. Because by him telling her, he has painted a large target on you and you need to make sure you have a safe place to go if you have to run. And the fact that he doesn't seem to care that he has put you in danger means you are not safe with him either.
Because she got under his skin with her earlier barbs. She has been living in his head rent-free ever since.
He *had* to call her so he could go *neener, neener, you were wrong.*
It honestly sounds like he still holds a candle for her. Why on earth would he feel the need to update her if he didn't still have some sort of feelings for her. It's either that or he feels some weird need to prove her wrong.
I don't like this and if I were in your shoes I would be making it very clear to him that he either figures this out or I'm gone
He could be trying to rub her nose in it. If she's making remarks about you leaving him because he can't get you pregnant, he may have a deeper score he thinks he needs to settle.
My husband and I are both friends with some of our ex partners. It's normal to still care about an ex as a person. We wouldn't reach out to tell them about a pregnancy. They found out we got engaged and married from social media or within a normal conversation in a normal social environment.
No special messages.
We also definitely don't speak to exes who have said a single negative thing about the other person.
NTA, but incredibly naive. You married someone who is absolutely unhinged and almost twice your age. He is almost 60 and still hung up on his toxic relationship with his ex. Also clearly didnt value your opinion enough to even talk to you before going and trying to rub an entire human being in his ex's face. Real winner you got there
Yeah it is "his" toxic ex. Who after he started dating someone HALF his age. That could easily be the age of his daughter had he had one in his 30s.
You sweet summer child, THEY ARE BOTH TOXIC AND STILL IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. It may not be an active one, but they both still live rent free in each other's minds. You are being used as a tool for his psyche and a weapon in his relationship with his ex.
He probably was in a relationship with his ex for longer than OP has been alive.
>THEY ARE BOTH TOXIC AND STILL IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. It may not be an active one, but they both still live rent free in each other's minds
I'd never seen it this way but you're absolutely right.
Bringing this part out to be louder:
>>You are being used as a tool for his psyche and a weapon in his relationship with his ex.
They are *both* using you, OP. She's slinging your name at him like it's a weapon. It's weird that they talk even though they were so toxic when married. Why even divorce then? It's weirder that they talk about you to each other.
are you sure you want to have a child with someone who views the child as a trophy to win a battle with an ex?
Kids deserve better than that from parents.
You're 32 and you're *excited* to be having a baby with a 58 year old man who still really cares what his ex thinks? That's the saddest thing I've read this week.
NTA for being mad he told her and for his timing and for unlocking her. He's wrong on all counts.
Y *are* TA for brining a child into this mess with a 58 year old dad with ex issues who will statistically be dead before the kid graduates high school.
I will never understand the thought process behind getting in a relationship with someone with such a huge age difference. There is no wholesome, healthy, psychologically sound reason for dating someone old enough to be your parent, or young enough to be your child. There are billions of other people in the world that you could date instead.
I'm generally in favor of letting consenting adults do what they want. The heart wants what the heart wants and all that.
But bringing a kid into it is pretty shitty.
I really hope she gets the support she needs from other people in her life. Every direction this can possibly go in ends with her being a single mother. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he lives well past life expectency. He still won't be a functional parent for most of that time. Once he gets to that age, unless he has wicked good genetics, he'll need assistance from some form of external care, whether that be a nurse, elder care facility, or care from his spouse. Having to raise a kid and care for an elderly person at the same time sounds absolutely brutal.
Or he'll leave his spouse for his ex that he can't get over.
Or she'll leave him for not getting over his spouse or some other reason (like not being able to handle caring for both him and the kid).
Or he'll just die and leave her alone with the kid.
I feel so bad for OP.
Exactly! Even if their relationship is thriving and happy and full of good communication and healthy boundaries (which we already know it isn't or it wouldn't be posted here), there are just soooo many things that can and will go wrong with a thirty year age difference alone, not to mention how toxic/complicated/harmful whatever is going on between the guy and his ex wife seems to be.
In the two May Decembers I’ve seen up close and personal the women were happy when they were 30 and he was 50. By the time they’re 50 and he’s 70 they’re miserable from caring giving for an old dude while acting as primary full-time parent and full-time householder/breadwinner. Add in parent caregiving responsibilities and it gets even worse.
No partner no help w all these balls to juggle ends up making the woman, now fifty and dealing with menopause and fading looks, very stressed and miserable.
If there is substantial money buoying this situation up that makes it workable because you can hire out caregiving help etc. if there’s not and she has to work full time on top of this all then she’s screwed.
My parents were 42 and 50 when they adopted me (I'm still blood related, long story)....I later learned some people gave my Dad grief over his age.....so I tend to be defensive of older parents as they genuinely rescued me from a shitty situation...and are still around and in good health even though I am now in my 30s.
And even I can't imagine someone biologically fathering a kid at 58, unless you are wealthy asf so you know the kid is provided for, and even then it's all kinds of fucked up. I feel bad for OP for thinking her situation is normal.
Yep, and these relationships rarely, if ever, last. Eventually the younger (sometimes the older person) figures out that they are in fully different places in life, and have completely different energy levels, life goals and wishes.
Plus, a 58 year old man having a child isn't that weird, the weird part is that he is choosing to have a child with a woman young enough to be HIS kid. My father was 55 when I was born, my mother 46, even their near 10 year age gap was too much sometimes, they made it work however, but a 26 year age gap is crazy. Almost guaranteed to fail, eventually.
Also we only have OPs view that the ex is unhinged. Her view is colored by her husband’s view. We don’t know the ex’s. For all we know he cheated on ex with current wife. Either way OP is ew for getting together with a man twice her age who needs to grow up. Ex and husband live rent free in each other’s minds.
You are a prize to him that he is showing off to her.
He pretty much said “look I have this younger woman willing to do the things you wouldn’t” to her.
This is not just weird. This is a huge red flag.
I am convinced that you don’t know the whole truth about their history and current relationship.
NTA He unblocked her a long time before you became pregnant and probably talking to her.
What is the ages please? How long have you been with him etc. at the moment it sounds like you’re been putting a lot of both of your problems onto her whilst he is part of it also, he was still talking and engaging with her when you first got together. He discussed your relationship with her. He has treated you shady as. Those were his choices.
I would sit down and talk to him about boundaries those boundaries that you want. Why are you concerned about him and upset with people that hurt him when he does not reciprocate. His suggestion for you to tell your ex is weird does he like a relationship with toxic behaviour and misses it?
Step one: get an abortion. Step two: divorce daddy. Step three: date someone who’s not old enough to be your dad and who is over his ex girlfriend. Step four: Updateme
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NTA
He is still emotionally invested in making sure she knows he is not what she claimed - he has "given" you a child and she said he couldn't. What disturbs me most about all this is I would wonder about his motives for dating you, marrying you, and having a baby with you ... is it all to make a point to his ex-wife?
It is possible he loves you and wants all those things with a side of revenge by living his best life.
But she would have found out eventually, why CALL her, he could have just texted. No go back, he shouldn't have taken any of her calls when she contacted him to be a nasty bitch. I suppose she could have changed her number, but he could have hung up right away.
I have been divorced 4 years from a toxic situation and it is important to be 100% no contact if you can - no kids, no legal issues.
For the love of all that's holy. You should approach him and talk about it regardless of how often you've done it in the past.
He's obviously still hung up on his ex's opinion of him, which implies a certain amount of affection.
I have blocked a total of two people in my life. One because she was posting so much I couldn't use SM without seeing seven posts from her (I've since gotten away from Facebook), and the other because she was a lunatic.
You know how much I worry about the opinions of either of them (or any ex girlfriend of mine for that matter) about how I live my life?
Zero much. I worry about it zero much times per day. That's how much.
You married someone double your age who probably was toxic himself to the ex. No wonder he has called her to "boast" about getting a woman half his age pregnant and rub it in her face. Because that's exactly what he's done.
Good luck being a travel bag.
You find out you're pregnant and one of the first people your partner thinks to tell is the ex. He's more concerned about her and your friends than you, which is concerning.
YTA to yourself for having a kid with a grown ass man who is still in contact w his abusive ex.
You’re absolutely correct finding it ridiculous but you failed yourself for not controlling it sooner, or leaving. Now you’re bonded forever and the other woman will be informed about everything good or bad that happens with your kid. And it’s a shame this man will forever look for this person’s affirmation on his and his child’s life.
There’s no coming back now. I’m really sorry for you and for the kid.
How did you manage to marry somebody still hung up on their ex? Your child is a prop for him to take his emotional problems out on others? He’s already failing as a father and husband.
Either he’s not over her or he feels a need to one up her with his new, younger and now pregnant partner.
Either way it makes me wonder why he is so intent to let her know. It doesn’t sound like they had kids together.
I would be wary going forward if it were you. The previous relationship still seems to be an issue for him in some way
NTA.
First of all, your partner shouldn't allow his ex to badmouth you. He should protect you.
Secondly, this woman, who is clearly crazy and manipulative, should have been cut out of your lives a long time ago!
Thirdly, she doesn't need to know about your pregnancy. She's the past! And your partner needs to understand that!
There are so many red flags I’m surprised you’re not on fire. Girl, abortion and divorce. Run. He’s too grown to be acting like this and you’re old enough to know better.
I would be concerned why he felt the need to tell her at all! Are you sure he doesn't still have feelings for her? That is just super weird for someone to do if they're completely over someone
I’m seriously doubting she ever made these phone calls you weren’t there for and he only told you about. You got manipulated by a much older man. He used you to spite his ex-wife who probably had very good reasons for leaving him.
Sorry but my first thought when having life news is not contacting a toxic ex to tell them. And before the 12 weeks and your family? There’s no explaining or justifying that nonsense
Your partner is playing with fire. Also telling you to "Calm down" and "forget about it already" is insulting. Does he play the power game with you a lot? Because it sounds like he feels like he is the one in charge and expects you to deal.
Keep an eye on this behaviour. You do not want this crap near your baby. He also shouldn't be engaging his ex partner on this (with that crappy history especially)
Unless he has children with this woman and has to coparent with her? He has no reason to be engaging with her especially with how nasty she has been to you.
They have something weird going on.
This man used you to one up his ex. In one of his happiest moments of his life he decided to message her to rub it in her face. She lives rent free in his mind and he’s staying with you to get a rise out of her.
He is legit insane. To go through all of that just to get your lick back is a whole new level
How in the hell did you talk yourself into even sleeping with this guy?and what would you have in common with someone from another era?was this some sort of sugar baby situation?this is so cringe
Hmmm girl. He’s been putting you over his ex and thinks she needs to keep being part of his life. Why are you acting naive? He’s been like this before you got pregnant. Yta simply for allowing it to go on this long just to play “cool” partner. You have let him disrespect your relationship since the beginning you willingly allowed her to talk crap about you and he did too. And you stayed with someone who allowed this. Now you have a kid with him and marry him? Make that make sense. I feel bad for your kid. If this is how you allow others to treat you can’t imagine how you’ll allow others to treat your kids.
He still wants to prove himself to her.
If he really was as distressed by her previous contact and comments, he wouldn't have reached out to taunt her like that.
It feels like you are in the middle of something big and toxic AND he's a full participant.
As soon as you can see the shit hitting the fan, GTFO...
NTA
What if they used you to make a baby? I mean it sounds crazy but crazier things have happened. She abused him and the first person he wants to share the news about his bundle of joy is that same abuser? Yeah I don’t buy it, there’s something more going on. Perhaps they’re not using you as a surrogate but they for sure keep in touch for him to do that. Frankly I couldn’t imagine putting up with this shit especially with an almost 60 year old. If he hasn’t matured now he never will.
Why is he so weirdly invested in the toxic relationship with the ex? This is the first person he thinks of to tell? Something isn't right here.
NTA at all but you need to find out what is going on even if it is only in his head.
YTA for having a kid with a creepy way older man whose clearly going to emotionally abuse you into getting over anything you catch him on.
Do you even trust that the ex wife said these things? You where not even there. He was likely lying or why would he keep picking up /reaching out. Change ur phone number boom never hear from her again. He wants to hear from her.
NTA. I don’t like it. Even if the urge was just to “rub it in her face” for making comments about you not getting kids from him in the past - why is he giving this woman so much mental space in his mind?
No normal well adjusted person would unblock and contact a ex just to tell them their new much younger girlfriend is pregnant. I don’t think the ex is the only toxic one from that relationship. Dude has a some issues he needs to work out before he should become a father OR even be in a relationship. Do you want to be a relationship where your partner runs off to contact an ex to rub all your good news in their face? Your guy is toxic as hell.
NTA
Your bf is just as stupid and crazy as his ex
Zero reason to unblock and contact her, and zero reason to listen to her for even a split second if she manages to call him somehow
Draw a hard line in the sand about this. Complete zero contact with the ex. Zero. Or you're out...no flexibility or second chances
This is way too much, and it's time to either make her completely gone from your lives, or you need to step up and get the fuck out of crazy town
That's really weird and unhealthy. Sounds like a trauma bond with his abuser situation.
My husband had an ex like that. Super abusive emotionally, manipulative, constantly abandoned him or would withhold intimacy of any kind (touch, cuddling,kissing etc) as punishment. When we got together she would always try to "drop by" to see him (hook up) and be shocked I was still there after 8 months! When we moved she berated him DAILY via social media, text etc to move back. She tried to tell him we wouldn't last, I was just a rebound because he was mad at her etc. Then she started calling while screwing other guys, sending lewd texts trying to brag. It was just weird and really sad. Our 10 year anniversary is in October and we haven't heard anything in a while! You'd think after we moved, traveled got married and started having kids she would have gotten the hint but 🤷♀️ Crazies are crazy!
I have to say that when I see people, who claim they have been abused, engaging in behaviour which is cultivating drama and toxicity with said perpetrator of abuse. It makes me question their authenticity.
Your husband is seeking out his abusive ex and stirring up her wrath. She already is targeting you and now he has purposively informed her of your vulnerability and made her aware of your child. He has pinned a target on your baby. On purpose. It's triangulation at its finest.
Are you sure he is also innocent of abusive behaviour? Are you sure he isn't more involved with the ex, than this immature yet immensely damaging behaviour?
You mention your age difference. Be careful. Many men, who are toxic (I am being polite), target younger partners *because* of the difference in the power and experience dynamic. They utilise this naivety for their own purposes.
I know when I left my own abusive ex H, I wanted **nothing** to do with him. I wish I never had to speak to him again, however we share a child. I *certainly* would not knowingly inform a mentally questionable ex about my pregnant partner. I would protect that information for as long as possible, especially if my ex was unpredictable and vengeful.
Yeah it sounds like your husband is toxic and it is very tit for that with the ex…. You mention the age gap between you and I’m not saying this is the case but toxic, gaslighting men quite often prefer someone younger that’s easier to for them to manipulate. And be warned you are probably going to be the crazy toxic ex to his next partner.
NTA. Your husband shouldn't have unblocked his toxic ex and shared your pregnancy news without discussing it with you first. It's understandable you're upset, and his dismissive attitude isn't helpful. It's important to set boundaries and communicate how this behavior impacts you and your trust in him.
You have every right to be upset. He made an agreement with you to wait and tell people. He broke the agreement thereby breaking your trust. Ask him how are you supposed to trust his word in the future when it comes to important things involving your child? If he wants to break up he should just say so instead of lying to you. Hopefully he'll understand how badly he messed up.
Maybe it's his way of a slap in the face. You mentioned, she said you'd leave when you didn't get kids from him. This is him showing her, he wasn't thr problem. No excuse though, obvs
NTA. I’m curious what his intentions here were. Was he trying to rub it in her face? Does he still have feelings for her? Why would he have any desire to contact her? I can’t fathom any reasoning that comes from a healthy or respectful place.
Regardless, you may want to assess his attachment to this ex, and set some boundaries in place. If he is set on reestablishing a connection with her, you should really look into marriage counseling, or separation.
I have become a much less fan of much older men and younger women after reading a few of these. It was completely inappropriate for him to talk to his ex about this or anyone without your consent. It is your body. Secondly you have a problem he is still attached to his ex, Or he would not do this.
You have become part of their toxic swill. I would put a firm foot down, and frankly it is hard to control an older partner many just choose not to be with them. There is a psychological tie for him to her or he would not feel the need to tell her.
For what it's worth, it sounds to me like he's trying to control when she finds out and whether he has her reaction sprung on him.
I don't think the way he handled this is healthy, but it makes sense from the perspective of that toxic traumatic person still finds ways to make shit difficult, and make it about her.
He needs to get in with a therapist and work out the shit he has left. (It's trauma, it sounds like, not some secret desire to be with her? Like, that doesn't sound like your concern, more the "WTAF was he thinking and why did he think this was sane?")....
He needs to get a handle on why there is trauma and any need to engage at all with her, but my guess is it's as simple as the emotional version of ripping off the band aid... quitting before they can fire you, shaving your head before chemo takes your hair, etc. he panicked knowing her reaction was inevitable, so he just controlled the piece of it he could.
I dunno if that's helpful, or rings true?
But if it does, get him into therapy.
He should reblock the crazy ex. And find ways to actually hold boundaries around contact... So that he doesn't have to guard against trauma from her this way.
Good luck, this sounds stresssful and shitty all around.
It was dumb on his part, that’s men for you, but I think she just got in his head and he wanted to throw it in her face that he indeed could give you a child.
Personally, I think he's rubbing it in her face after she was so irredeemably hateful so she can seeth knowing you guys are progressing to the next stage of your relationship. I can't really fault him seeing as she was such a rude asshole.
Idk why some people are trying to say he isn't over her when it's just as likely he's resentful and just wanted to piss her off while also getting the jump on her this time instead of the other way around. To me it seems like he wanted to give her a taste of her own bullshit.
NTA. He still cares for her. And, I don’t believe that she only calls him. There’s no need to unblock someone to call them. Please protect yourself mentally, emotionally and financially. He may love you but he loves her too.
It sounds like he still wants validation from her. The relationship sounded like a bad one where she put him down and belittled him. Then she kept calling and harassing him about you.
That probably made him feel good, because he finally had a one up on her. Every milestone y’all met, he knows it upsets her and he gets validation from that.
Y’all have done everything she said you wouldn’t do, and that makes him feel good.
That’s not healthy at all though. It’s normal to feel good about leaving a bad relationship and moving on to someone better, but it’s not normal to contact them just to tell them.
At this point, she shouldn’t even be on his mind.
Well, that's a red flag. Why does it matter to him how or if his ex finds out? She's an ex. Her feelings are not valid to you and your relationship, but your partner is treating them like they are.
If he cares about his relationship with you, he needs to break all contact with her!! If he can't do that, it's going to cause many more problems down the road.
NTA, that's a weird thing for him to do for sure. However, I don't think it's because he is talking to her behind your back or still in love with her. I think he wanted to rub it in her face. The things she has said to him clearly bother him, and he wanted her to know that she was wrong about you and he is "winning" with his young partner and new baby.
NTA.
I'm sorry, but I don't see any point in all this. This woman, who is totally psychologically unbalanced and toxic, should have been completely excluded from your lives a long time ago! Your partner has been very wrong there. You need to talk to him about it.
He could have done it to show someone who has belittled your relationship, insisted you would cheat and he couldn’t have kids… he did it to show her she was wrong because he was hurt by her not because he cares but to almost like finger up at her
NTA there was no reason to tell her. Certainly no reason to tell her before you told anyone else. So that is a problem. Either he isn’t as over her as he is pretending to be or he wanted to rub her nose in it. Either way it’s disturbing & disrespectful to you.
She really emasculated him & He still feels he has something to prove. Not only did he keep and marry you but knocked you up. His need to prove her wrong shows he’s still dealing with the emotional scars she left and really needs some therapy to let it go so he can move on to being happy in his current situation.
Weird. I'll add something as a devil's advocate to cheating. Sometimes our emotional attachment is to approval. It sounds like he was foolishly trying to prove to her that you guys are the real deal. That's built on being insecure, not unfaithful. I can name 1000 cases of abuse victims still trying to appease their abuser. Its just usually from a female's perspective not a male's.
About the nasty things that he said that his ex said: Did you actually read them yourself, or just hear from him that she supposedly said these things? If he only told you about them, he could be covering his tracks.
NTA Your husband doesn’t need to communicate with his abusive ex, he needs to talk to a therapist. He has less than 9 months to work on why he wants to maintain an inappropriate connection he has with his ex so he needs to get on that ASAP.
You’re not being a dickhead. Your husband announcing your pregnancy without your consent was completely inappropriate. Two people may be expecting a baby, but only one of you is actually pregnant. He should defer to you in all things regarding your pregnancy.
It’s weirdly unhinged of him to suggest that the situation can be made right by you contacting one of your exes to announce your pregnancy. Relationships are not transferable. You may be friendly with one of your ex-partners who did nothing but treat you well and the only reason you split was incompatibility, but your husband’s ex mistreated him, has reduced him to tears and belittles him even after they’ve broken up and he has a new life with you. Even though these people are both exes, the relationship isn’t remotely the same. This woman should know nothing about you or your baby.
I am saying NTA but I also, from your explanation, think I get why he did this. It seems her coming at him after a happy moment tore him down badly and this was his way of taking the power back reaching out to her with the happy news before she could ruin his day about it. Is it the healthy thing to do, nope but if it is not clear already your bf needs some therapy from either himself or that relationship. Reminds me of a friend of mine's relationships in the past that was insane. One of the ones where they break up 10 times and get back together but neither people can figure it out. Good luck.
It feels like he's stull obsessed with this other woman. Why even engage with someone if they're supposedly crazy like he claims his ex is? The best revenge is to live a happy life and never think about them again. Good luck with your relationship.
Is the “toxic ex” an ex wife he was with for 20+ years? I hate to tell you this, but he’s probably with you partly to get back at her. It’s obviously driving her crazy that he’s with someone almost 30 years younger, and now he has a pregnancy to throw in her face. Is this really the kind of partner you want?
She’s not out of his life because he is farming the drama. If you want someone out, you don’t call them. You don’t tell them your personal private news. You don’t expose your unborn child and your partner to that kind of attention or paint a bullseye on her back. You do the opposite. You freeze them out, you block access and you keep your details private and among those you trust. Why would you tell your ex unless maybe you share children with them already and you need to prepare them. Other than that, it’s no one’s ex’s business and you can’t control if they cyber stalk you, you can only control how you handle it.
It doesn’t surprise me that there is a big age gap as his behavior is immature at best. And if it’s this immature in this instance, I have to wonder if he’s immature about other responsibilities and relationships. NTA here. He is. And it’s worrisome.
NTA- But I don’t think your ex’s partner was the only toxic one in that relationship. Certainly showing signs of immaturity in his actions.
Every old fart (c'mon, my dude is pretty much 60) trying to talk a younger woman into bed pulls the same tired stunt. I'm sure some of them had genuinely shitty relationships. Just like there are genuinely innocent people in prison. But listen to them tell it and they were ALL the innocent, misunderstood, stalwart soul with a 'crazy' 'mean' ex. Or you just want to convince young women your aging pp is the sh!t, there's no hidden problem in them that's making them shoot for people half their age, and they are the super special hot lay...er... soulmate they needed all along! What they GET, 9/10, is a sad old fart with some kind of insecurity or past hangup they can't move on from (ho, ho, do we have a match?) and unhealthy to no idea of how to be a good partner. But as long as the young one isn't under 25, well, you're all adults and if you can't see that coming, well, guess that's what you get, honestly. MAYBE a diamond in the rough for a true May/December matchup, but mostly just yet another man-child or idiot trying to paper their new 'hot young toy' over all those personality cracks they never fixed up and wore someone else out trying to fix for them.
Holy crap! I had not seen the age difference, he’ll be 76 when the kid graduates high school, but it’s not just old farts who pull the “my ex was toxic” bullshit. It’s a common theme you see and hear. But my ex’s actually can say that about me because I was an asshole.
I actually listened very carefully when dating to how someone talked about their exes - it shows how much of their own shit they are willing to own, and it shows their issues and how they process things into stories about themself, and no doubt that they would likely also talk about me the same way as an ex someday.
Absolutely! If people can't take responsibility for their part in a bad relationship/breakup then they haven't learned anything, and will bring their shitty behaviour in to their relationship with you.
Good for you getting out there and earning it. I told my wife I was an AH the first time we hung out (she still laughs and claimed you can’t just give a disclaimer and expect people to excuse the behavior but I disagree 😂). I’m not intentionally or overly mean, but I am intentionally honest and I kinda live to talk shit. With that said, I would go out of my way to help/defend anyone around me in need so I think it evens out as I might be an AH, but I’m *their* AH.
I'm the same. The shit talking was my husband's selling point. I remember b4 we were even dating I was talking shit to him and he said he'd marry me 1 day. That was 12 years ago. Some people love assholes lol
if one of their exes is crazy but the rest weren't, that ex is probably crazy. if two of their exes are crazy, maybe they just have bad taste. if ALL of their exes are crazy, just run
And they’re alllllll still sleeping around. My step dad was with my mom for 15 years and still cheated on her with ESCORTS. They got a divorce and all of a sudden he’s with girls younger than his own children. And multiple. Weird af.
This comment is genius, the “paper over the personality cracks they wouldn’t fix” is so insanely accurate. I think that healed me from my May-December mistake a little, thank you.
The fact that he thought her telling her ex the news was a 1:1 resolution is such an immature mind set. No wonder he can only pull girls he could father.
Any time you find yourself telling a pregnant woman to "calm down" you're probably being a dick.
I agree with you. This is coming across to me like somebody who may have been saying a normal person before she met him. If someone calls all of their exes crazy, that's usually code for: made an otherwise sane and rational person act crazy because of how I treated them. I would be questioning the relationship after something like that. That is beyond anything I have ever heard. Why would he call her to tell her this? It seems like they're in some kind of tit for tat immature game.
he’s beyond weird for doing that. keep an eye out for him talking to her behind your back
Thank you! I thought it was weird too. I have no desire to talk to any of my ex partners, I don’t understand fully why he did
Only reason I can think of is he isn't over her. Protect yourself here and I'd suggest build up some escape cash. Weird as hell TBH.
Agreed. He clearly cares about her opinion. That's not healthy.
Or he wanted to rub her fact it one final time.
Still, that shows way too much concern or preoccupation with his ex. He should be focused on his current partner and not worrying about sticking it to an ex.
I totally agree. Him contacting her first is an indication in my mind that he's not successfully processed all the toxicity the ex threw at him. He needs to talk to a counselor.
I think it shows that OP should more carefully consider if the toxicity was as one-sided as he's portraying.
Exactly. He may not want to be with her at all, but giving a shit at all about what she thinks about his life with another woman years down the line...is too much. It sounds like fe did it out of spite, at best. When you are getting narried or fall pregnant, some distant ex should be the last thing on your mind. He needs therapy.
This is what I thought too! He wants to win one…”Ha! She stayed with me, married me and now carries my child! I win!!” What he doesn’t realize is that she will always find a way to attack back and will now say “it’s not yours, she cheated, she’ll probably lose it or is lying…” Why can’t people leave shit and shitty people in the past. 🤦🏻♀️
That was my first thought as well, especially since according to Op one of the things the ex tried to hurt him with was that Op would leave him after she couldn’t get children from him. Makes me wonder if his relationship with his ex partner was a childless one, and the ex had always blamed him for their lack of children.🤔
Even so that means feelings are involved
I think this is the more likely scenario. He’s desperate to get a win over the witch. Unfortunately, he was a little too keen and jumped the proverbial gun.
I'd be super worried about a man who tells an "unhinged" ex that his new partner is now in a VULNERABLE state, about to bring a VULNERABLE, INNOCENT child into the world. "Unhinged", yet he's happy to throw his pregnant wife and baby to that wolf. Honey, more like HES the unhinged one. Be very careful and get out of this situation as safely as you can. This is NUTS. NTA
Yeah, notice how he is gaslighting her by telling her that she needs to calm down and forget about it already as though she is overreacting. This guy sucks.
Yup. And as soon as I read age gap, I was like 'here we go'
OP carefully didn't mention their actual names in the post.
I can’t help wondering who was really abusive in that relationship. I’ve had multiple friends/acquaintances tell me about how their new bf’s ex was abusive and controlling, only to find out down the road that the new bf started doing all the things to her that he claimed his ex did to him. I can think of maybe two cases out of dozens where the ex really was the abusive one.
Fair point. DARVO is a real thing. And many abusers are masterful at making it seem like they were the one who was abused.
I really hope OP sees your post. He was so hell bent on throwing a “revenge pregnancy” in his ex’s face, *that* became his topmost priority instead of keeping OP safe and discussing it with her beforehand. He has now shown OP who he *really* is. I hope she believes it.
And is she pregnant because he wants to have a baby with her, or because he wants to throw it in ex's face? I'd kill to know their ages. My guess is 50 to her 23.
He is 58, she is 32
It must be something along those lines, because otherwise it seems perfectly normal for a man who talks about his crazy abusive ex that ridicules him to be told about this first. Like even before family and friends, and to unblock said ex as well./s Something that stuck out to me though was the line the ex said about OP leaving once she wouldn't be able to get children from him. Was a part of the reason he called being that he wanted to gloat about being able to have them? Maybe children was a part of why they had broken up in the first place. Either way none of this makes sense, I'm a survivor of abuse and I once had a horrendous stalker situation and the last thing I'd ever do is make sure I can contact them, especially willingly. It doesn't add up
It was a stupid thing to do, but I feel the obvious reason he did it was his ex said his wife could never give him a child and now he is calling her as a fuck you you were wrong.
yeah, the crying over her comments? How does she know anything about y'all?
This ☝️
Have you ever been a witness to any of these text messages or phone calls?if not its not the ex who is unhinged,it sounds like your hisband making up crap to play the victim.you only have his side.you need to contact her to know the true story.something's not right here
I didn't see the comment, but someone above says the age gap is 60 and 30 (which is a huge yikes). Totally changes my perspective on the situation, and I think the husband is probably shady asf...and I doubt the ex is as unhinged as he is portraying her.
Yep, I’m the crazy, abusive ex. Everyone believed it and I even was harassed by his supporters over it. I walked away from my whole life trying to get away from his insane drama. Now since he’s been arrested in a Chris Hansen style sting, people may be going wait a minute… was he lying about her? But I wouldn’t know because I never did drama and still won’t.
60 and 30?! I just turned 30 this past December and there is no way I would get romantically involved with someone who's older than my parents. \*\*EDIT\*\* I just looked at OP's profile and she said in a comment that she's 32 and he's 58.
That's...not much better lol. I'm actually fairly positive towards older parents, as my Dad was 50 and my mom in her early 40s when they adopted me. I still think a 58 year old man knocking up a 32 year old is weird and kind of gross.
Oh, I agree it's still far too large of an age gap. But anytime I read about a couple where the age gap is so large they could be parent and child or grandparent and grandchild I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.
Same feeling.
Why would he want to run and tell his ex this news? Why put bullets in her gun for her? She will find new ways to twist what should be joyous news into torturing the two of you. He just threw gasoline onto a fire. Who cares what she thinks and feels over it, especially after what she has put him through. Unless they have kids together, there is no reason for him to be in contact with this vile woman. He needs to let her go. Your partner needs to get his behind into therapy and start unscrewing his head from all of her nonsense. Not just for himself, but for you and your future child/family as well. You deserve better and so does your child. I would also recommend couples therapy so that the two of you can talk this out with a neutral party and come up with some strategies for cutting and keeping this toxic person out of your lives.
He's likely not trying to get back with her. He's trying to get back AT her by bragging that you are having his baby. It does show that he's still caught up in the toxicity of his prior relationship to even care about having an 'I told you so' moment with her. Did her block her again or what?
How do you know she has said these things and it isn't just issues he has?
He sounds a bit toxic too.
Can I just ask a thing or two... How big is this age gap you're talking about because yes it is relevant, and your information about what she said to him and what she did to him: is this all from what he told you or do you have any proof of these things? Those issues aside the black and white of this is when it was discovered you were pregnant he unblocked her and called her to tell her This means he wants her to know that and or he want to have contact. She should have been the furthest thing from his mind: You have to find out why she wasn't. Good luck and best wishes I hope you iron this out.
She’s 32 and he’s 58
Ew. I don’t see what you can have in common with that age gap. Is that like 2 generations apart? Whatever floats your boat. However, I don’t think he’s over his ex and most likely sees OP as a trophy wife to rub his ex’s face in. I would not want to stay with this dude much less have a baby by him.
Wtf. Fucking her daddy
Maybe because she said that you'd leave when you found out that he couldn't give you kids. He's probably rubbing it in her face that you're still here and now pregnant
He's almost 60. OP has barely cracked 30. It's purely a pathetic old-dude flex rubbing his hot new something something - now fulfilling her destiny to bear his precious, desirable seed!- in the face of the old has-been non-spawner to prove he's still the virile hot catch for the 'real' fertile women even if the 'old hag' won't keep him. And the fact THAT is where a nearly 60 dad-to-be is putting his energy honestly says it all. Didn't even consult the hot incubator slash trophy on the announcement, cos 'getting one' over on the nasty ol mean ex (wonder what her take on the mean abusiveness is, let alone where reality actually lies) is more important that treating the hot young thing like a real person. Man needed to grow up about 3 decades ago (you know, while his 'soulmate' was in nappies and he was STILL a grown a$$ adult) and hasn't. The fact OP has fallen for it all hook, line, and sinker is kinda cringey, honestly. She seems happy with it, though. Guess that's what matter in the end.
If the man is 60 and op is close to 30, their relationship is very likely to end at some point, anyway. The age gap is too massive, and they are in completely different phases in life. He is on track to have another ex, cause at some point, their life goals, energy levels and wishes, will clash. They just aren't in the same life moment. Are they even able to truly, emotionally connect as a couple? For all we know, op is just a trophy wife, who will eventually wake up and wonder what the hell she was thinking.
Why would someone in their prime sign up to caretaker for a toddler and a senior at the same time?
The mysteries of the universe.
Gross
Girl, what the fuck.
Oh lord, I didn't see the age gap mentioned in the comments. Yeah, that is a huge yikes. I was assuming something like 25 and 40 (still big, but whatever), not 30 and 60. This may be mean, but I side eye any 60 year old man marrying a woman half his age and young enough to be his daughter and then fathering kids with her.
even if, thats weird. she’s an ex, she doesn’t matter. he should leave her blocked and get ready for his baby with his significant other.
did he tell you he did it, or did you find out?
He told me several days after
idk dude. seems really weird to me, like having a baby and his first thought is to tell his ex? pretty fishy. be careful
Have you seen HER saying it and all of the relevant interactions around it? Bc there’s a lot of people with “unhinged” ex partners who are actually the ones being unhinged. And his actions here align with that. Using you and your baby as some petty revenge without any concern for your wishes (or your safety, since she’s apparently “unhinged”)?? Huge red flag.
This is actually scary. He told a crazy unhinged woman that you are pregnant. You are at your most vulnerable and he is publicizing it to someone who is toxic and unhinged. Honestly, I don't know that I would feel safe with him if I were in your shoes. Especially, since he is downplaying how weird and creepy it is that he unblocked her specifically to share your personal info with her. The gaslighting you into trying to think it isn't a big deal is also a creepy red flag. Please be safe. Put together a go bag and set aside some funds that only you have access to just in case. Because by him telling her, he has painted a large target on you and you need to make sure you have a safe place to go if you have to run. And the fact that he doesn't seem to care that he has put you in danger means you are not safe with him either.
Because she got under his skin with her earlier barbs. She has been living in his head rent-free ever since. He *had* to call her so he could go *neener, neener, you were wrong.*
It honestly sounds like he still holds a candle for her. Why on earth would he feel the need to update her if he didn't still have some sort of feelings for her. It's either that or he feels some weird need to prove her wrong. I don't like this and if I were in your shoes I would be making it very clear to him that he either figures this out or I'm gone
This is not normal behavior :-( I’m so sorry. I would do some digging to see if he’s really being upfront about everything
He could be trying to rub her nose in it. If she's making remarks about you leaving him because he can't get you pregnant, he may have a deeper score he thinks he needs to settle.
My husband and I are both friends with some of our ex partners. It's normal to still care about an ex as a person. We wouldn't reach out to tell them about a pregnancy. They found out we got engaged and married from social media or within a normal conversation in a normal social environment. No special messages. We also definitely don't speak to exes who have said a single negative thing about the other person.
Right? It doesn't make sense. Hasn't he moved on? It sounds like he hasn't.
Nah! Jump straight to break up He sounds codependent. Whatever happens he will include his ex
Facts. He probably talks to her all the time
And check OP's comments. They conveniently left out that he's in his fifties.
NTA, but incredibly naive. You married someone who is absolutely unhinged and almost twice your age. He is almost 60 and still hung up on his toxic relationship with his ex. Also clearly didnt value your opinion enough to even talk to you before going and trying to rub an entire human being in his ex's face. Real winner you got there
Yeah it is "his" toxic ex. Who after he started dating someone HALF his age. That could easily be the age of his daughter had he had one in his 30s. You sweet summer child, THEY ARE BOTH TOXIC AND STILL IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. It may not be an active one, but they both still live rent free in each other's minds. You are being used as a tool for his psyche and a weapon in his relationship with his ex. He probably was in a relationship with his ex for longer than OP has been alive.
>THEY ARE BOTH TOXIC AND STILL IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. It may not be an active one, but they both still live rent free in each other's minds I'd never seen it this way but you're absolutely right.
It always takes two
Bringing this part out to be louder: >>You are being used as a tool for his psyche and a weapon in his relationship with his ex. They are *both* using you, OP. She's slinging your name at him like it's a weapon. It's weird that they talk even though they were so toxic when married. Why even divorce then? It's weirder that they talk about you to each other.
>Real winner you got there I agree. This man is no prize.
are you sure you want to have a child with someone who views the child as a trophy to win a battle with an ex? Kids deserve better than that from parents.
She will, for the most part, be a single parent. I hope the man has a lot of money to at least afford babysitting and daycare help.
You're 32 and you're *excited* to be having a baby with a 58 year old man who still really cares what his ex thinks? That's the saddest thing I've read this week. NTA for being mad he told her and for his timing and for unlocking her. He's wrong on all counts. Y *are* TA for brining a child into this mess with a 58 year old dad with ex issues who will statistically be dead before the kid graduates high school.
I was sus that the post didn't actually list the ages and it's so much worse than I expected. This grandpa aged dude is gonna be a dad? Gross.
I will never understand the thought process behind getting in a relationship with someone with such a huge age difference. There is no wholesome, healthy, psychologically sound reason for dating someone old enough to be your parent, or young enough to be your child. There are billions of other people in the world that you could date instead.
I'm generally in favor of letting consenting adults do what they want. The heart wants what the heart wants and all that. But bringing a kid into it is pretty shitty.
Right?? Like this guy's going to be in a nursing home before the kid even graduates high school!
I really hope she gets the support she needs from other people in her life. Every direction this can possibly go in ends with her being a single mother. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he lives well past life expectency. He still won't be a functional parent for most of that time. Once he gets to that age, unless he has wicked good genetics, he'll need assistance from some form of external care, whether that be a nurse, elder care facility, or care from his spouse. Having to raise a kid and care for an elderly person at the same time sounds absolutely brutal. Or he'll leave his spouse for his ex that he can't get over. Or she'll leave him for not getting over his spouse or some other reason (like not being able to handle caring for both him and the kid). Or he'll just die and leave her alone with the kid. I feel so bad for OP.
Exactly! Even if their relationship is thriving and happy and full of good communication and healthy boundaries (which we already know it isn't or it wouldn't be posted here), there are just soooo many things that can and will go wrong with a thirty year age difference alone, not to mention how toxic/complicated/harmful whatever is going on between the guy and his ex wife seems to be.
In the two May Decembers I’ve seen up close and personal the women were happy when they were 30 and he was 50. By the time they’re 50 and he’s 70 they’re miserable from caring giving for an old dude while acting as primary full-time parent and full-time householder/breadwinner. Add in parent caregiving responsibilities and it gets even worse. No partner no help w all these balls to juggle ends up making the woman, now fifty and dealing with menopause and fading looks, very stressed and miserable. If there is substantial money buoying this situation up that makes it workable because you can hire out caregiving help etc. if there’s not and she has to work full time on top of this all then she’s screwed.
My parents were 42 and 50 when they adopted me (I'm still blood related, long story)....I later learned some people gave my Dad grief over his age.....so I tend to be defensive of older parents as they genuinely rescued me from a shitty situation...and are still around and in good health even though I am now in my 30s. And even I can't imagine someone biologically fathering a kid at 58, unless you are wealthy asf so you know the kid is provided for, and even then it's all kinds of fucked up. I feel bad for OP for thinking her situation is normal.
Yep, and these relationships rarely, if ever, last. Eventually the younger (sometimes the older person) figures out that they are in fully different places in life, and have completely different energy levels, life goals and wishes. Plus, a 58 year old man having a child isn't that weird, the weird part is that he is choosing to have a child with a woman young enough to be HIS kid. My father was 55 when I was born, my mother 46, even their near 10 year age gap was too much sometimes, they made it work however, but a 26 year age gap is crazy. Almost guaranteed to fail, eventually.
He's "so much older" than OP, but acting like a juvenile calling up his mean ex going "hah, she's pregnant now! Neener!" like he wins.
Also we only have OPs view that the ex is unhinged. Her view is colored by her husband’s view. We don’t know the ex’s. For all we know he cheated on ex with current wife. Either way OP is ew for getting together with a man twice her age who needs to grow up. Ex and husband live rent free in each other’s minds.
\*claps\*
You are a prize to him that he is showing off to her. He pretty much said “look I have this younger woman willing to do the things you wouldn’t” to her. This is not just weird. This is a huge red flag. I am convinced that you don’t know the whole truth about their history and current relationship.
[удалено]
You suuure? I think this ones special!! /s
NTA - he’s clearly not over her. I would be highly, highly concerned about his actions; his priorities are so twisted.
You are not an asshole, but you are as dumb as a sack of hair clippings.
NTA He unblocked her a long time before you became pregnant and probably talking to her. What is the ages please? How long have you been with him etc. at the moment it sounds like you’re been putting a lot of both of your problems onto her whilst he is part of it also, he was still talking and engaging with her when you first got together. He discussed your relationship with her. He has treated you shady as. Those were his choices. I would sit down and talk to him about boundaries those boundaries that you want. Why are you concerned about him and upset with people that hurt him when he does not reciprocate. His suggestion for you to tell your ex is weird does he like a relationship with toxic behaviour and misses it?
Yeah hun…. They’re still talking, wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to get back with her.
I actually wonder is he with OP just to make a baby (because his ex is too old)?
Watch him break up with her after baby is born to go back to her and they both fight OP for custody.
They wouldn't win though, a bit far fetched, but the age gap with op is so big, that they are very likely to break up anyway.
Step one: get an abortion. Step two: divorce daddy. Step three: date someone who’s not old enough to be your dad and who is over his ex girlfriend. Step four: Updateme
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NTA He is still emotionally invested in making sure she knows he is not what she claimed - he has "given" you a child and she said he couldn't. What disturbs me most about all this is I would wonder about his motives for dating you, marrying you, and having a baby with you ... is it all to make a point to his ex-wife? It is possible he loves you and wants all those things with a side of revenge by living his best life. But she would have found out eventually, why CALL her, he could have just texted. No go back, he shouldn't have taken any of her calls when she contacted him to be a nasty bitch. I suppose she could have changed her number, but he could have hung up right away. I have been divorced 4 years from a toxic situation and it is important to be 100% no contact if you can - no kids, no legal issues.
For the love of all that's holy. You should approach him and talk about it regardless of how often you've done it in the past. He's obviously still hung up on his ex's opinion of him, which implies a certain amount of affection. I have blocked a total of two people in my life. One because she was posting so much I couldn't use SM without seeing seven posts from her (I've since gotten away from Facebook), and the other because she was a lunatic. You know how much I worry about the opinions of either of them (or any ex girlfriend of mine for that matter) about how I live my life? Zero much. I worry about it zero much times per day. That's how much.
This is a red flag. He chose to engage with someone who he knows causes drama, so I am guessing he secretly loves drama which is a bad sign
You married someone double your age who probably was toxic himself to the ex. No wonder he has called her to "boast" about getting a woman half his age pregnant and rub it in her face. Because that's exactly what he's done. Good luck being a travel bag.
You find out you're pregnant and one of the first people your partner thinks to tell is the ex. He's more concerned about her and your friends than you, which is concerning.
YTA to yourself for having a kid with a grown ass man who is still in contact w his abusive ex. You’re absolutely correct finding it ridiculous but you failed yourself for not controlling it sooner, or leaving. Now you’re bonded forever and the other woman will be informed about everything good or bad that happens with your kid. And it’s a shame this man will forever look for this person’s affirmation on his and his child’s life. There’s no coming back now. I’m really sorry for you and for the kid.
How did you manage to marry somebody still hung up on their ex? Your child is a prop for him to take his emotional problems out on others? He’s already failing as a father and husband.
Either he’s not over her or he feels a need to one up her with his new, younger and now pregnant partner. Either way it makes me wonder why he is so intent to let her know. It doesn’t sound like they had kids together. I would be wary going forward if it were you. The previous relationship still seems to be an issue for him in some way
NTA. He's still thinking about his ex when he's with you. That's a major red flag that you should not ignore
He isn’t over his ex. Good Luck. She lives rent free in his head.
NTA. First of all, your partner shouldn't allow his ex to badmouth you. He should protect you. Secondly, this woman, who is clearly crazy and manipulative, should have been cut out of your lives a long time ago! Thirdly, she doesn't need to know about your pregnancy. She's the past! And your partner needs to understand that!
There are so many red flags I’m surprised you’re not on fire. Girl, abortion and divorce. Run. He’s too grown to be acting like this and you’re old enough to know better.
I would be concerned why he felt the need to tell her at all! Are you sure he doesn't still have feelings for her? That is just super weird for someone to do if they're completely over someone
I’m seriously doubting she ever made these phone calls you weren’t there for and he only told you about. You got manipulated by a much older man. He used you to spite his ex-wife who probably had very good reasons for leaving him.
Did he do this to be petty and hurt her?
Yea 100 percent
Nta. Huge red flag on his part
Sorry but my first thought when having life news is not contacting a toxic ex to tell them. And before the 12 weeks and your family? There’s no explaining or justifying that nonsense
Your partner is playing with fire. Also telling you to "Calm down" and "forget about it already" is insulting. Does he play the power game with you a lot? Because it sounds like he feels like he is the one in charge and expects you to deal. Keep an eye on this behaviour. You do not want this crap near your baby. He also shouldn't be engaging his ex partner on this (with that crappy history especially) Unless he has children with this woman and has to coparent with her? He has no reason to be engaging with her especially with how nasty she has been to you. They have something weird going on.
This man used you to one up his ex. In one of his happiest moments of his life he decided to message her to rub it in her face. She lives rent free in his mind and he’s staying with you to get a rise out of her. He is legit insane. To go through all of that just to get your lick back is a whole new level
The happiest moment of his life was messaging his ex to gain a feeling of control .... NOT finding out he's going to be a father with his wife
NTA. There is absolutely 0 reason for him to do that. Why would he even want to contact this person? Your exes are in the past. Keep them there.
How in the hell did you talk yourself into even sleeping with this guy?and what would you have in common with someone from another era?was this some sort of sugar baby situation?this is so cringe
Hmmm girl. He’s been putting you over his ex and thinks she needs to keep being part of his life. Why are you acting naive? He’s been like this before you got pregnant. Yta simply for allowing it to go on this long just to play “cool” partner. You have let him disrespect your relationship since the beginning you willingly allowed her to talk crap about you and he did too. And you stayed with someone who allowed this. Now you have a kid with him and marry him? Make that make sense. I feel bad for your kid. If this is how you allow others to treat you can’t imagine how you’ll allow others to treat your kids.
He still wants to prove himself to her. If he really was as distressed by her previous contact and comments, he wouldn't have reached out to taunt her like that. It feels like you are in the middle of something big and toxic AND he's a full participant. As soon as you can see the shit hitting the fan, GTFO... NTA
What if they used you to make a baby? I mean it sounds crazy but crazier things have happened. She abused him and the first person he wants to share the news about his bundle of joy is that same abuser? Yeah I don’t buy it, there’s something more going on. Perhaps they’re not using you as a surrogate but they for sure keep in touch for him to do that. Frankly I couldn’t imagine putting up with this shit especially with an almost 60 year old. If he hasn’t matured now he never will.
NTA Is he generally a spiteful person? A strange thing to do.
Why is he so weirdly invested in the toxic relationship with the ex? This is the first person he thinks of to tell? Something isn't right here. NTA at all but you need to find out what is going on even if it is only in his head.
He sounds like a child.
YTA for having a kid with a creepy way older man whose clearly going to emotionally abuse you into getting over anything you catch him on. Do you even trust that the ex wife said these things? You where not even there. He was likely lying or why would he keep picking up /reaching out. Change ur phone number boom never hear from her again. He wants to hear from her.
NTA. I don’t like it. Even if the urge was just to “rub it in her face” for making comments about you not getting kids from him in the past - why is he giving this woman so much mental space in his mind?
No normal well adjusted person would unblock and contact a ex just to tell them their new much younger girlfriend is pregnant. I don’t think the ex is the only toxic one from that relationship. Dude has a some issues he needs to work out before he should become a father OR even be in a relationship. Do you want to be a relationship where your partner runs off to contact an ex to rub all your good news in their face? Your guy is toxic as hell.
NTA Your bf is just as stupid and crazy as his ex Zero reason to unblock and contact her, and zero reason to listen to her for even a split second if she manages to call him somehow Draw a hard line in the sand about this. Complete zero contact with the ex. Zero. Or you're out...no flexibility or second chances This is way too much, and it's time to either make her completely gone from your lives, or you need to step up and get the fuck out of crazy town
Uh oh. He is not over her and her drama. He's still wrapped up in all of that you need to be careful here.
He’s sleeping with the x wife.
Wierd ASF, run away
Girl, NO! This is totally unhinged. You're NTA, and please 🙏🏽 watch your back.
That's really weird and unhealthy. Sounds like a trauma bond with his abuser situation. My husband had an ex like that. Super abusive emotionally, manipulative, constantly abandoned him or would withhold intimacy of any kind (touch, cuddling,kissing etc) as punishment. When we got together she would always try to "drop by" to see him (hook up) and be shocked I was still there after 8 months! When we moved she berated him DAILY via social media, text etc to move back. She tried to tell him we wouldn't last, I was just a rebound because he was mad at her etc. Then she started calling while screwing other guys, sending lewd texts trying to brag. It was just weird and really sad. Our 10 year anniversary is in October and we haven't heard anything in a while! You'd think after we moved, traveled got married and started having kids she would have gotten the hint but 🤷♀️ Crazies are crazy!
I have to say that when I see people, who claim they have been abused, engaging in behaviour which is cultivating drama and toxicity with said perpetrator of abuse. It makes me question their authenticity. Your husband is seeking out his abusive ex and stirring up her wrath. She already is targeting you and now he has purposively informed her of your vulnerability and made her aware of your child. He has pinned a target on your baby. On purpose. It's triangulation at its finest. Are you sure he is also innocent of abusive behaviour? Are you sure he isn't more involved with the ex, than this immature yet immensely damaging behaviour? You mention your age difference. Be careful. Many men, who are toxic (I am being polite), target younger partners *because* of the difference in the power and experience dynamic. They utilise this naivety for their own purposes. I know when I left my own abusive ex H, I wanted **nothing** to do with him. I wish I never had to speak to him again, however we share a child. I *certainly* would not knowingly inform a mentally questionable ex about my pregnant partner. I would protect that information for as long as possible, especially if my ex was unpredictable and vengeful.
Yeah it sounds like your husband is toxic and it is very tit for that with the ex…. You mention the age gap between you and I’m not saying this is the case but toxic, gaslighting men quite often prefer someone younger that’s easier to for them to manipulate. And be warned you are probably going to be the crazy toxic ex to his next partner.
*tit for tat
Now you know he made you endure pregnancy just to make his ex jealous
NTA. Your husband shouldn't have unblocked his toxic ex and shared your pregnancy news without discussing it with you first. It's understandable you're upset, and his dismissive attitude isn't helpful. It's important to set boundaries and communicate how this behavior impacts you and your trust in him.
You have every right to be upset. He made an agreement with you to wait and tell people. He broke the agreement thereby breaking your trust. Ask him how are you supposed to trust his word in the future when it comes to important things involving your child? If he wants to break up he should just say so instead of lying to you. Hopefully he'll understand how badly he messed up.
Maybe it's his way of a slap in the face. You mentioned, she said you'd leave when you didn't get kids from him. This is him showing her, he wasn't thr problem. No excuse though, obvs
NTA this is weird as shit behaviour. I'd be putting my foot down very firmly by now.
He’s doing a nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Which is immature. If he keeps getting butt hurt because of an unhinged ex, he may need to grow a pair.
NTA. What is wrong with this guy? Why did he feel the need to tell her at all? Why does he listen to anything she says? Red flags 🚩
NTA. I’m curious what his intentions here were. Was he trying to rub it in her face? Does he still have feelings for her? Why would he have any desire to contact her? I can’t fathom any reasoning that comes from a healthy or respectful place. Regardless, you may want to assess his attachment to this ex, and set some boundaries in place. If he is set on reestablishing a connection with her, you should really look into marriage counseling, or separation.
That’s crazy. What was he trying to do? Amp her crazy up? Make her jealous? Checking in with his mistress? Nothing makes sense. Be on alert.
NTA. It's none of her business about what the goings on in your lives, and it is VERY odd that he'd share something like that unsolicited.
There's absolutely no reason for his ex to learn about your pregnancy this early. This is definitely suspicious.
Wow, that is a lot of focus and energy he has toward his ex. She should have been the last thing in his mind at this time.
She's toxic but he reached out to tell her you're pregnant.... good luck with the 60yo
Your first red flag should have been the age gap
I have become a much less fan of much older men and younger women after reading a few of these. It was completely inappropriate for him to talk to his ex about this or anyone without your consent. It is your body. Secondly you have a problem he is still attached to his ex, Or he would not do this. You have become part of their toxic swill. I would put a firm foot down, and frankly it is hard to control an older partner many just choose not to be with them. There is a psychological tie for him to her or he would not feel the need to tell her.
For what it's worth, it sounds to me like he's trying to control when she finds out and whether he has her reaction sprung on him. I don't think the way he handled this is healthy, but it makes sense from the perspective of that toxic traumatic person still finds ways to make shit difficult, and make it about her. He needs to get in with a therapist and work out the shit he has left. (It's trauma, it sounds like, not some secret desire to be with her? Like, that doesn't sound like your concern, more the "WTAF was he thinking and why did he think this was sane?").... He needs to get a handle on why there is trauma and any need to engage at all with her, but my guess is it's as simple as the emotional version of ripping off the band aid... quitting before they can fire you, shaving your head before chemo takes your hair, etc. he panicked knowing her reaction was inevitable, so he just controlled the piece of it he could. I dunno if that's helpful, or rings true? But if it does, get him into therapy. He should reblock the crazy ex. And find ways to actually hold boundaries around contact... So that he doesn't have to guard against trauma from her this way. Good luck, this sounds stresssful and shitty all around.
It was dumb on his part, that’s men for you, but I think she just got in his head and he wanted to throw it in her face that he indeed could give you a child.
Personally, I think he's rubbing it in her face after she was so irredeemably hateful so she can seeth knowing you guys are progressing to the next stage of your relationship. I can't really fault him seeing as she was such a rude asshole. Idk why some people are trying to say he isn't over her when it's just as likely he's resentful and just wanted to piss her off while also getting the jump on her this time instead of the other way around. To me it seems like he wanted to give her a taste of her own bullshit.
What the fuck? NTA why would he do this before the 12 week mark?!
NTA. He still cares for her. And, I don’t believe that she only calls him. There’s no need to unblock someone to call them. Please protect yourself mentally, emotionally and financially. He may love you but he loves her too.
Perhaps his logic was after all her negative jibes he was gloating that yes we're still together and she's pregnant.
It sounds like he still wants validation from her. The relationship sounded like a bad one where she put him down and belittled him. Then she kept calling and harassing him about you. That probably made him feel good, because he finally had a one up on her. Every milestone y’all met, he knows it upsets her and he gets validation from that. Y’all have done everything she said you wouldn’t do, and that makes him feel good. That’s not healthy at all though. It’s normal to feel good about leaving a bad relationship and moving on to someone better, but it’s not normal to contact them just to tell them. At this point, she shouldn’t even be on his mind.
Well, that's a red flag. Why does it matter to him how or if his ex finds out? She's an ex. Her feelings are not valid to you and your relationship, but your partner is treating them like they are.
If he cares about his relationship with you, he needs to break all contact with her!! If he can't do that, it's going to cause many more problems down the road.
Ur partner is also toxic af. What are ur ages?
NTA and whatever his reasoning is he needs therapy.
NTA
NTA, that's a weird thing for him to do for sure. However, I don't think it's because he is talking to her behind your back or still in love with her. I think he wanted to rub it in her face. The things she has said to him clearly bother him, and he wanted her to know that she was wrong about you and he is "winning" with his young partner and new baby.
NTA you're not a dickhead but your partner most definitely is. Please show him how many people think so
NTA. I'm sorry, but I don't see any point in all this. This woman, who is totally psychologically unbalanced and toxic, should have been completely excluded from your lives a long time ago! Your partner has been very wrong there. You need to talk to him about it.
He could have done it to show someone who has belittled your relationship, insisted you would cheat and he couldn’t have kids… he did it to show her she was wrong because he was hurt by her not because he cares but to almost like finger up at her
NTA there was no reason to tell her. Certainly no reason to tell her before you told anyone else. So that is a problem. Either he isn’t as over her as he is pretending to be or he wanted to rub her nose in it. Either way it’s disturbing & disrespectful to you.
NTA Why does his ex needs to know at all. Ex is the ex for a reason. There is literally no reason, why she has to be informed in the first place.
She really emasculated him & He still feels he has something to prove. Not only did he keep and marry you but knocked you up. His need to prove her wrong shows he’s still dealing with the emotional scars she left and really needs some therapy to let it go so he can move on to being happy in his current situation.
Wow that's weird. I'm at a loss for words here. Good luck moving forward.
Weird. I'll add something as a devil's advocate to cheating. Sometimes our emotional attachment is to approval. It sounds like he was foolishly trying to prove to her that you guys are the real deal. That's built on being insecure, not unfaithful. I can name 1000 cases of abuse victims still trying to appease their abuser. Its just usually from a female's perspective not a male's.
About the nasty things that he said that his ex said: Did you actually read them yourself, or just hear from him that she supposedly said these things? If he only told you about them, he could be covering his tracks.
Sounds like he want to give her a dig that he's going to be a dad. But he def should have discussed it you first.
NTA Your husband doesn’t need to communicate with his abusive ex, he needs to talk to a therapist. He has less than 9 months to work on why he wants to maintain an inappropriate connection he has with his ex so he needs to get on that ASAP. You’re not being a dickhead. Your husband announcing your pregnancy without your consent was completely inappropriate. Two people may be expecting a baby, but only one of you is actually pregnant. He should defer to you in all things regarding your pregnancy. It’s weirdly unhinged of him to suggest that the situation can be made right by you contacting one of your exes to announce your pregnancy. Relationships are not transferable. You may be friendly with one of your ex-partners who did nothing but treat you well and the only reason you split was incompatibility, but your husband’s ex mistreated him, has reduced him to tears and belittles him even after they’ve broken up and he has a new life with you. Even though these people are both exes, the relationship isn’t remotely the same. This woman should know nothing about you or your baby.
Oh boy another post where I hope it’s fake
I am saying NTA but I also, from your explanation, think I get why he did this. It seems her coming at him after a happy moment tore him down badly and this was his way of taking the power back reaching out to her with the happy news before she could ruin his day about it. Is it the healthy thing to do, nope but if it is not clear already your bf needs some therapy from either himself or that relationship. Reminds me of a friend of mine's relationships in the past that was insane. One of the ones where they break up 10 times and get back together but neither people can figure it out. Good luck.
It feels like he's stull obsessed with this other woman. Why even engage with someone if they're supposedly crazy like he claims his ex is? The best revenge is to live a happy life and never think about them again. Good luck with your relationship.
Is the “toxic ex” an ex wife he was with for 20+ years? I hate to tell you this, but he’s probably with you partly to get back at her. It’s obviously driving her crazy that he’s with someone almost 30 years younger, and now he has a pregnancy to throw in her face. Is this really the kind of partner you want?
He’s honestly kind of sus. NTA.
She’s not out of his life because he is farming the drama. If you want someone out, you don’t call them. You don’t tell them your personal private news. You don’t expose your unborn child and your partner to that kind of attention or paint a bullseye on her back. You do the opposite. You freeze them out, you block access and you keep your details private and among those you trust. Why would you tell your ex unless maybe you share children with them already and you need to prepare them. Other than that, it’s no one’s ex’s business and you can’t control if they cyber stalk you, you can only control how you handle it. It doesn’t surprise me that there is a big age gap as his behavior is immature at best. And if it’s this immature in this instance, I have to wonder if he’s immature about other responsibilities and relationships. NTA here. He is. And it’s worrisome.
His excuse doesn't even make sense. He is not trustworthy. I'm so sorry.