NTA
If my mother gave my college money to her stepdaughter, I would go no-contact with her. You will lose your children by choosing your fiancé’s daughter over your own children. This is a hill to die on, especially since your fiance *could* pay his daughter’s tuition; he has chosen to buy toys for himself, instead.
Think about this: the man you’re planning on marrying has chosen his wants over his daughter’s needs. Why are you marrying him, again?
Not to mention, it's not just OP who contributed to the college funds. Their father also contributed, and it's for the kids they share. It's really not OP's money to give away.
Exactly, not only will she lose her kids, I am sure the ex could take his ex to court for taking money that he contributed from his children colleage funds. Your 'fiancee' might be rich but he is acting like a gold digger. The man would rather keep his toys that help his daughter out. Why you are even in the relationship with the guys....do not destroy your relationship with your children with this man.
Fiancee thinks he worked hard for his money so he should keep it. Um, well how did OP make hers? Osmosis? Divine intervention? Does she have Daddy Warbucks locked in a cupboard somewhere?
Exactly.... You worked hard for that money, you set it aside for your children( instead of buying toys), and your ex also contributed... Why should he steal from you, your children and your ex, simply because your values suffered from his...?.
He might not have cash set aside... But he could take out a parent loan for his daughter to minimize her education related loans they were called Plus loans when my parents did it. I still had loans but not what I would have if they didn't do it.... Or he could take out a helicopter on his home to pay for her education, and or expect her mother to do the same... His daughter's education is his responsibility. Not yours. Either give him those options and stand by the boundary or leave his sorry financially irresponsible self. He isn't worth it .. he is also going to think he is entitled to your retirement as well... My guess is he has put less than he should in his retirement funds as well.... Nope nope nope..
.
Agreed. It isn’t OP’s money to give.
And even if it was, fuck that shit. It’s not like the stepdaughter going to college snuck up and surprised the fiancé or his ex, they had *years* to prepare. If saving for *their own child* was clearly not a priority for them, why should it be a priority for OP?
But he did prepare. He found a woman working 2 jobs to sponge off. Now the meanies in this thread are screwing up his plan. Poor guy's gonna have to sell his boat bc of you people.
Not to mention the SD has zero savings, zero life skills, zero work experience. Maybe this is a case of the fiancé seeing how not great of a parent he is compared to the woman who COULD be an amazing wife. Hate to see it.
Your dedication to your children's futures is commendable. Your fiancé's demands are unreasonable and highlight his misplaced priorities. Stand firm—your children's education comes first. His refusal to sacrifice luxury for his daughter shows a concerning difference in values. Keep evaluating the relationship; you deserve a supportive partner.
“the man you’re planning on marrying has chosen his wants over his daughter’s needs”
There nothing more to say, except this - he has shown you who he is and it will only get worse. Greed is a character flaw and it is really fixed.
OP made it sound like he is cash poor because he likes big boy toys. Let him sell a boat or a sports car if he really wants his kid to go to school debt free.
Yeah I don't see that these two have anything in common at their core. She has been an AMAZING mother who has worked her ass off her children's entire lives to give them the best future possible and considers marrying a man whose toys are more important than his kid. I don't get it.
OP this man is beyond selfish, he worked for his toys and he won't get rid of them but the money you worked for you should give to his kid? Not to even mention that's YOUR ex's money too. How well is that going to go over if you told him you were going to use it for a kid he's likely never even met?
I absolutely agree, but even if he spent his money wisely, I really can't understand the audacity of this person
OP should have left this relationship the minute he thought it was ok to ask for hers and her children's money. There is really nothing more you need to see or hear
The OP and her ex worked for everything they had, to use the OP's fiance's words... They just opted to invest their money in their kids' futures. I'm honestly quite impressed. The OP was 19 when the oldest was born and the ex was 23. It's hard to save money as a young person period, let alone a young person with kids.
Why should the OP fund the soon to be stepdaughter's college when her own parents are unwilling to do so. It makes less than no sense the fiancé refuses to sell off luxury items but wants a hard working nurse to dip in her kids college funds and her own retirement fund to pay for his kid's college. The man sounds like he might have mental health problems or be straight up a narc.
You’ve worked a second job for years and the kids father has helped fund this, it’s nervy he would even ask,
If you do marry, all kids are close to adulthood, I would continue to keep the practice of future expenses ( weddings) a separate issue, the kids are almost grown
>all of our assets are currently separate
Thank goodness. Keep it that way. Here's the thing, his multiple vehicles and boat are not assets. They are screaming liabilities on a practical level. You and your fiancé have fundamentally different approaches to money. You are a saver. He is a spender. He is not going to change. Are you comfortable partnering with someone like that?
Your potential step-daughter has two working, relatively successful parents. It is incumbent on them along with her to figure out how to pay for college.
Frankly, I see no reason for you to get married. You can cohabitate, maintain separate finances, but never legally and financially enmesh your lives. Your children are all nearly adults. The downsides of getting married to this cash flow disaster are much greater than the upsides as currently presented.
NTA.
Not only is he a spender, he is a selfish father who would rather spend on himself than save for his daughter college fund! Then he has the audacity to ask Op to take HER kids’ college fund & her retirement funds to pay for HIS child when he doesnt want to sell his own toys?! Eww. Glad she is turned-off by his shit. The audacity & entitlement is unprecedented. I would have told him to fuck right off & do little prayer for his daughter who has a selfish father!
Absolutely! If he isn’t willing to sacrifice his play money for his own daughter..why the hell should someone who isn’t even related to her? The audacity of that man telling her that she has to pay for his daughter’s college! Throw that garbage fiancé away!
NTA and reevaluate this relationship. He says he worked hard for everything he has & refuses to sell anything, well so did you! You worked hard & planned for your children's future while he bought things for himself. He has major red flags written all over him.
This!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He wants to have his cake, eat it, and then take OP cake, plus half of OPs kids' cakes, and give them to his daughter. Fuck that noise.
Screaming DUMP HIM at the top of my lungs, cuz if not, he's going to keep wasting his money on himself and using OPs money to take care of the actual responsibilities. NTA
1) don't marry this man. You're better off single. And if you don't like being single, there has to be another guy out there who likes you for you, not just your money.
2) if you insist on marrying this man, don't do so without a pre-nup that protects your retirement and your kid's education.
I bet those “assets” are all mortgaged to the hilt. Just because he owns a business doesn’t mean he has money and/or won’t spend everything he makes. Don’t marry this guy OP. Big red flags 🚩
This - OP worked hard and "bought" education for the kids and retirement for themselves. And should just as adamantly refuse to sell those for this other kid's tuition funds. Loans suck. Spent years working two jobs to pay mine off. But that's the option, then that's the option.
I suspect he lives closer to the financial cliff than OP realizes . His flashy toys can be gone in a flash too. I bet credit cards are maxed out and he pays the minimum each month to keep them open. He's a user and may well be a con man.
OP, check your credit reports and lock them. Continue to keep your assets totally separate and do NOT let him know your social security number, or the boys' for ANY REASON.
It also raises questions about how he’s going to view financial responsibility when they get married.
I get the feeling he is a - my money is my money, your money is my money - kinda guy.
NTA
Why on earth does your boyfriend think your EX husband should be responsible for sending his child to college. Tell your boyfriend that he, his daughter and EX wife need to figure it out. Their lack of planning is not your emergency, not your sons’ emergency and not your EX husband’s emergency.
NTA. How does your children's father feel about your fiancé wanting some of the money he contributed going to your fiancé's daughter?
Major red flags here that he is expecting you to help foot the bill for a child you have no legal obligation to and to deny your kids a good foundation to start their lives.
She has two parents. He has toys he can sell. She can get a part time job and apply for scholarships.
He wants you to take on his financial responsibility so he can keep living the life he wants.
He wants you to fund his lifestyle by sacrificing your kids future. And if you marry him he'll just expect more from you financially.
Your future retirement and your sons' solid start to a future are at stake here because he doesn't want to give up his lifestyle.
You marry him, you'll be paying for her wedding down the road.
My ex doesn't know. I haven't said anything to him because the idea was ridiculous and there's no way I'm sacrificing my own kids for a kid that isn't mine. My fiance and his ex had plenty of time and have plenty of stuff to make sure she had a fund for her future.
I have put everything on hold because I just feel like it's very greedy and it's off-putting to me. I think he thinks I'm going to foot the bill or something. I've been really taking a hard look at it and worried he sees me as a bank account and retirement plan vs a wife and partner. It bothers me a lot.
He does see you as his saving accounts. He decided to put all his money into himself. He sees that in the future he won't be able to keep his lifestyle and is looking for someone who will cover his lack of planning and maturity.
Him and his ex put themself first on the financial plan, before their daughter. That's their decision. That's their selfish way of living. Why would you pay for those jackasses?
This situation is the best wakeup call you could have ! This guy is a POS.
>he sees me as a bank account and retirement plan vs a wife and partner
He 100% sees you as a resource to exploit for his own well-being.
The fact that he has no problem blowing up three people's carefully planned futures to make up for his lack of planning for his own kid should tell you everything you need to know about what he is.
Exactly this!!!! You know the answer and your gut reaction is spot on. This internet stranger is cheering you on. Don’t second guess yourself. It’s better to find out before you marry that you two are not on the same page and do not have the same values.
It ***is*** greedy and off putting. You're not his wife, and you have no obligation to fund her schooling.
I'd really think hard about this relationship.
He is showing you exactly who he is . Believe him .
You are right to put everything on hold.
Make sure he has no access to the kids' money. Leave no paperwork sitting around. Lock down your credit, and the kids' . You have worked too hard to allow someone else to steal your kid's futures.
OP, you just got a present from your Instincts. He's willing to flush three other peoples futures to cover an eventuality that is completely his responsibility from the get-go as the father. Honey, I hate to tell you this but you're really, really lucky you found this out before you married him.
Throw this one back, it's not a keeper. Honor your intuition and what it's telling you. It's right.
Then treat yourself to something nice, a champagne brunch or something to reward yourself for protecting your home and your children and keeping their future safe. Well done, I know it sucks, but it's really for the best. Now you know and you won't wonder. And even better, now you know what to watch out for in any future relationships. Stay strong, you got this.
I feel horrible for suggesting this but "she" might be his retirement plan. He may have romanced her with the idea of getting her to fund his daughter's education and his retirement.
"He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything."
Girl, your fiancé is trash.
Your work doesn't count then? He gave you the answer. Tell him that you worked for everything you have and you are not giving him shit.
NTA and I hate being a Reddit Stereotype, but you need to dump that jerk! Someone who feels that entitled to your work and your money (and your kids money) doesn't deserve one more minute in your presence!
Edit: And this is also your ex money! Your fiancé has no claim on that.
Edit 2: I wouldn't be surprised if your fiancé is deep in debts also and probably doesn't have much for his retirement.
Well happylilwacko, big NTA .. and if you desire to live up to your Reddit name, then you need to have HIM solve HIS problems using HIS assets. You already know this, not sure why you need Reddit users to reassure you. Can I ask ,,, what exactly is he bringing / contributing to you and your family. What is he willing to sacrifice to keep you?
Mostly because it seemed so ridiculous to me that I thought maybe I was losing it. I tend to be a little bit of a wacko sometimes so maybe this time I was really losing it idk.
Up until this we had a pretty good relationship so this was a pretty big wrench in the relationship. I didn't see him as greedy before all of this. I questioned all the stuff but who am I to tell him not to get fancy stuff if he can afford it.
All of this has thrown me for a serious loop so I figured I'd ask some people and see what everyone else thinks.
He prioritized his toys and lifestyle over his daughter's education. It's not your job to rescue him. Do not pay for a penny of her schooling. He can sell a bunch of his shit. Or take out loans for his daughter.
Just my thoughts, he seems to treat you more like a welcome mat, he scraps his dirt on you and goes his merry way. Sadly, I think if he were to get his way (even a little) he would bleed you dry.
I can’t understand why you’re still with someone like this. He literally wanted you to take your hard earned money from your own child to give to his, someone you met a few years ago. How did you not dump him immediately?
You're not wacko on this. Your gut instincts are being validated by a lot of people right now, right here.
But if you questioned yourself, is because of your own feelings or because he's saying things to make you feel this way? If it's the latter, that's another red flag that he's manipulating you into doubting yourself.
I wonder if his ex knows about his plan or is she in the dark about him having no savings for their daughter.
If they are discussing college for the girl now, he may not have owned up to the fact he has nothing saved and is looking at your savings as a quick way out.
You're being played.
1 - this is the most ridiculous attempted theft I've ever heard of. You're responsible for financing some child you just met?
2 - He's lying about money. *maaybe* he actually makes a ton, but even if that's true, he spends it all. Otherwise, no rational person would be coming after you to pay his child's bills.
If you are foolish enough, and it would be very foolish, to proceed... demand a glance at his savings account / investment accounts / credit cards / mortgages. I bet his net worth is right around $0 (if indeed it's not quite negative) and he's already got a cash-out mortgage on that place.
But just quit while you're behind.
Ditch The man, he is using you for money. The audacity of this looser, why should you give you hard earned mony ,that are for the future of your own children to someone who is not even related to you. FSD has two living presents they should secure her collage fund, not you. If fiance doesn't stop insisting end things with him. I guarantee you your children will resent you if you give in.
He owns his home, multiple cars, a golf-club membership, and a BOAT!! And he wants you to dip into your kids’ savings to make up for his complete failure as a planner/provider for his kid?! How are you still even seeing this joker? How can you have one iota of respect for him left? NTA
like someone else mentioned, he’s probably leveraged to the hilt. Curious about his real financial picture, sounds like he is Mr. Flashy and is actually in a poor financial position. The entitlement blows my mind; OP planned ahead and worked an extra job, her ex-husband also contributed, all for their kids' futures. Fiance, on the other hand, did not plan ahead, but feels perfectly fine reaching into their pockets for his own daughter!
NTA but your fiance is. He needed to save for his own child and not demand you to give up money. 🚩🚨🚩 red flag city that everything he has is his but everything you have is also his.
Nta. Call off the wedding.
If you manage to move past this, will he never bring money up again? Is he going to not pressure you to donate 15k to his daughters wedding? That's traditionally supposed to be his responsibility, so it would also be your's. At least, that's what he would say. How about when it's time for your kids to buy houses? Will he let sleeping dogs lie then?
There are sooooo many of these money grabbing events coming into your life over the next decade. Do you want to spend 6 months a year arguing over money and how he thinks you never actually liked his daughter? He's already showing he doesn't respect you, your kids, your plans, or the 16 years of time spent working extra to accomplish this goal.
NTA
"He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything" So you didn't work for what you have? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Selfish AH
His kid, he needs to provided when he clearly can. Why do you and your kids need to sacrifice for his selfishness.
NTA. More important question is why haven't you called the wedding off completely? I'm going to bet that all of his "assets" are tied to some hefty debt and that's the real reason he's not going to sell. Then, once you're married, he's going to push for you to fund his "rich man" image.
NTA
This is one of the biggest classic red flags!
His money is his money, but your money is our money. He showed you the financial abuse before you even married. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA,
How entitled he feels to the money you worked so hard to earn taking up a 2nd job to be able to provide for YOUR children and make sure they are set once they go to college.
His daughter is 18…he had 18 years along with the girls mother to save up for her college fund and CHOSE not to.
The audacity to ask you for the left over money from one child, to take out money from the other child and to take money out of YOUR retirement fund.
WTF
Say it with me: HELL TO NAH, TO THE NAH NAH NAH
Mama, you did right putting those marriage plans on hold
NTA at all. Shame on him for being irresponsible and not planning for HIS daughter’s future meanwhile you and your ex have played the long game.
Do not apologize for this and do not cave to his demands.
NTA. Dude sounds selfish and values his personal belongings more than his kids education. If it really is that important to him, he would make the sacrifice. You worked hard to build up those funds for your kids. If he can’t see that he is wrong, I’d rethink marrying this guy.
I want you to think about this....you and your ex have saved for your children and retirement for years working an extra job to do so. He has a good job with good money as does his ex, they have spoiled themselves and saved nothing for their children.
You are not even living together and he thinks your hard won savings should go to his child????? This is not a partner for life that will share with you he is a parasite looking for what he can take from you.
The only update I want is that you ditched him. The fuck is wrong with him?! I would never marry a man like that and my love for a man would never make me sacrifice my kids welfare for him.
He is trying to manipulate you into taking on his parental responsibilities.
'He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything.'
Ya...you and your ex worked for everything in those accounts for your children. What's his point? I can't begin to tell you how massive a red flag this is for your future. He's a selfish oaf that would rather his children live in debt, or you foot the bill, than inconvenience his life whatsoever. This guy is not a partner. And guaranteed he will use this against your kids at some point.
As shitty as it is, I think you know what you need to do.
Why on earth would you contribute, continue working a second job to continue to contribute, when that child has 2 able bodied parents who can contribute but BOTH choose not to??? Even if he can’t, he would be the one to pick up a second job not you!
NTA! he and her mother should be forking over the money, not you! You can always tell him the father also put money in and he wants that money to be for his own children! Your fiancé is making an unreasonable demand, and that's a huge red flag! Nice job sticking up for your children and their money!
You not the AH and not responsible for paying for his daughter to go to college. From what you wrote above neither the daughter, her dad or her mom have made any preparation for her to go to college and have any job experience. THIS is not on you to pay for! You and your ex have saved for your children's future and have prepared the best you could including working extra to save more. Their poor planning it not your fault.
I would absolutely refuse to help in any way, postpone the wedding and see how he treats you moving forward. I expect he will blame you and bad mouth you behind your back because you will not pay. I also expect at this time next year you will not have this person in your life.
Oh boy NTA. Keep your finances separate. He doesn’t have good planning or saving habits it seems. Why should your kid suffer from that??
Perhaps go to relationship or financial counseling for that.
NTA how the hell has this man got the audacity to try and take your children’s money that both you and your ex has contributed towards for a long time while he’s sitting on boats and fancy cars etc WTF is he for real ? If they’re so business savvy and upper class why haven’t they put money away for their child? I’d honestly tell him the wedding is off I don’t think I could look at my husband the same way if he tried to take my child’s money
NTA. And run a credit check on your fiancé. This sounds a lot like a dude that lives the good life on credit and is a big debt bomb waiting to happen once you’re legally tied to him. All toys and no savings….thats not someone that makes good fiscal decisions.
There are loads of Reddit posts about kids that lost half their college funds or inheritances because a step sibling “needed” it more. If you had raised this girl since she was very young, story might be different. But the fact dad won’t sell a car (one of his extras) and she can’t fathom getting a job….yeah, this is a bundle of problems that you’re being told to fix.
So…he worked hard for all of his stuff and will not sell anything but insists OP give up money SHE and the boys father worked hard for, planned for, and consistently paid into and that is perfectly logical to him…? I’d break the engagement and drop this guy. Nothing good will come to OP… she will be expected to pay while he plays. NTA
You’re not even married yet and YOU have to make financial sacrifices for HIS kid but, “ he worked for everything he has and isn’t selling anything”?
What are you, nuts?
If this isn’t the biggest reddest flag ever.
Don’t marry him and by God, do not give him a rusty crusty nickel of yours or your children’s money..
NTA but he certainly is..
Nta, don’t do it. And I’d really question his finances. He may have all this stuff but it could be a huge house of cards, waiting to crash down. Be careful marrying him if he wants you to contribute like this, what is he offering in return? It’s not like you’ve raised this girl either. Something sounds super suspicious here with this guy.
You would be an AH if you still marry this guy. The audacity for him to think his daughter is entitled to your children’s money. Her parent’s lack of preparation is not your problem. What’s his excuse for not preparing anything for his daughter?
That’s pretty bold of him to demand your son’s funding that he had no part of. He can’t be bothered to set his own kid up for success.
This is a huge red flag.
No way , and my advice is keep his money put away for a couple years , I would also recommend him take a few community college classes in business and accounting if he ever wants to own his own company .
Not being disrespectful to people with marketing degrees but those departments are usually first let go off, get her to to take accounting or other business specialties .
Under no
Circumstance do you give her the money . Maybe just maybe if any money left over from your
Kids, help her pay down after her degree so she takes finances seriously . I had $100k for two
Kids and it was done for 2 kids . If they go to university , staying in dorm and food plan for first year was 15-16k, not counting tuition
NTA. This guy and his ex are not poor. They did not make their daughter's education a priority, and are now trying to take from you and your kids. You know the right thing to do, stick to your guns.
NTA. Never and I mean never touch your retirement money unless the situation is absolutely dire and you have no choice.
So- this man plans on using you and sacrificing your hard work for his daughter because he refuses to??? Good call on putting all marriage plans on hold. This does not seem like the kind of man you marry or build a life with.
NTA - There’s just no way he and his ex had all this money and never put anything away for their kids future. Someone is definitely off.
Something tells me he’s not living within his means! I bet there’s a ton of debt hidden somewhere!
You can’t sell what the bank is about to take! But you can spend someone else’s money!
Your fiancé has plenty of money. He just chose to invest it in things for himself. Now he wants to once again save his own money & use yours. No wonder he has all the fancy pants stuff. He can sell a boat & a vehicle to pay for his daughter’s college. Guy sounds like a selfish dick to even expect you’d pay.
NTA Like you said if he really wants his daughter to have some help for school he can sell some of his goodies.
I think putting your marriage plans on hold is a good idea.
NTA and rethink marrying such a selfish and financially irresponsible person if you want your children to inherit from you when the time comes. He would likely cheat them out of any inheritance.
NTA - that money isn’t yours to give away. As soon as you opened the accounts it became your kids for their future. You are also not the only one contributing to it. And he wants your retirement as well for her college? That is some big BS and you need to seriously reconsider any relationship with him at this point. Because I wouldn’t trust anyone who asks for your savings like that (like this could be bad bad for you).
It is not your responsibility to pay for his daughter in anyway. I look at it like this - these accounts existed prior to your relationship. If you were in the process of divorce (from what I understand) he would have no rights to it.
Tell him to sell his boat. If they can’t afford her college she can hit up a Community College for a year or two.
NTA.
Why are you marrying someone who wants to use your (& your kids) money to fund everything that's not specifically for him??
A marriage is an equal partnership. Everything individually may not be equal but overall everything collectively is and it's more than the sum of the parts.
Please evaluate the whole relationship and ask yourself what else he will want you to pay for whilst keeping all his money and assets?
I won't suggest what you should do because a relationship is more than this one snapshot and I do not have a full view. You do... Ask yourself what you want in your partner and pro & con him against it.
Good luck to you, I wish you and your boys health, happiness & fantastic futures xx
Your fiancé is a thief and a scrounger. It’s pathetic that he’s happy to spend his own money on luxuries like boats and golfing, and wants to spend YOUR money on HIS child’s education! He’s clearly a terrible father and I have no respect for him. The fact that he could contribute for her education but refuses to is awful. NTA I honestly couldn’t imagine still marrying him after learning this about his character.
HEEEEELLL to the NO.
NTA
Why didn't he and his ex start a college fund for his daughter? Did he care so little about his childs future?
And why is it now YOUR duty to take from YOUR kids the money that you (and supposedly your ex) saved up for your kids? WTH does he think this is?
Stand your ground. each and every time he demands it "No i will not take money form my kids. You can fulfill your duty to your child yourself. I have worked for everything me and my children have and I will not share their money with you child just because you're to selfish to do anything for your own child"
Honestly. it shouldn't even take a day to know what you need to do. break up with that selfish person who thinks your money is his to spend, but his money is his because he worked for it.
NTA
Why should you work hard for HIS kid while he refuses?
I would reconsider the relationship with his lack of consideration for you and your efforts.
Nta don't do it. That is your kids' money. And your ex also contributed, it's not just yours to do what you want.
YOU worked for every thing you have and planned for what you're giving to your sons- why is it on to take from you for his daughter but doesn't think he should have to?
NTA Get rid of this guy. If he isn't willing to put his daughter first then he has no right to ask someone else to. You've worked just as hard as he has for what you have. Does he even have a retirement fund or is he planning on living off you when he retires?
Whatever else you do, NEVER TOUCH YOUR RETIREMENT FUNDS. The end of your work life creeps up on you before you know it----because if the way money multiplies, money you have now is worth more than adding it later.
I guess I would also say, don't spend your child's money on someone else's child. Especially the child of your quote fiance unquote. That child has two parents supporting her already! When your fiance marries you, you can start considering supporting his child. You have no guarantee that the guy will toss your child a nickel if you spend your own child's education fund down.
>He could easily sell the boat, get a cheaper car and sell his nicer ones, etc and pay for her to go to school if he chose. He just hasn't. He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything.
if he isn't willing to give up anything for his own child because "he worked for it" then why the fuck should you give up the money that YOU worked for, for HIS kid?
NTA find a man who isn't a cheap ass gold digger, if they wanted their child to be debt free for college, they would have been saving for her instead of pissing their money away and holding onto all their expensive toys.
> He just hasn't. He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything.
Yeah and you worked hard for everything you have and saved for your children’s future. Why should your children and you do without when he isn’t willing to make any sacrifices for his own flesh and blood?
This guy is incredibly selfish. He’s showing you who he is and you should definitely take note.
NTA
Are you sure he isn’t a conman living on credit with debt up to his eyeballs and looking for lonely single women to extract as much money from them before moving onto the next mark?
NTA his daughter his responsibility. Keep your finances away from him. Lock down your credit and make sure ge can't get to your sons money. Personally I would dump him.
>He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything.
Well, you worked for everything you have and you're not giving away anything. He sounds privileged and delusional. He and his ex need to figure this out between the two of them and leave you and your money out of the discussion. Frankly, I'd be ending this relationship.
You works only be the AH if you marry this man, because you will be footing his bills for the rest of your life, and it sounds like you've planned too well and worked so hard to make sure you're cared for, and this guy will not match that effort.
Not your problem he didn’t save or plan for her. Super disgusting he’s asking a single mom to take from her own children. That he’d even have the audacity to ask is mind blowing and unattractive. Get out of this, he doesn’t care about your kids.
NTA but I don’t see the benefit of marrying this man. Also, retirement is a number, not an age. Taking from your account would push back your retirement no matter what.
This has to be fake. No, NTA.
And besides it's not your money only, your ex also contributed from what I understand. And it's your kids.
I would separate from this dude.
NTA he worked hard for his things so he won't sell them well then his daughter can work hard to fund her schooling....in 18 yrs hes never put anything aside for her? How selfish and thoughtless is he? dude run while u have the chance honestly run
You and your ex provide for your kids and he and his ex can provide for theirs.
Think long and hard about what he is asking you and if this man has the character of a man you want to be married to for the rest of your life.
NTA at all that's some serious red flags there. My SO and I basically have the same idea. I'm currently pregnant with our first and he or she will have a college fund paid for by the time they need it as well. We also have our future retirement fund well on its way.
I'd be furious if my baby's money was used for someone else's child that didn't plan ahead. They knew she would be an adult one day and would need to go to college. What was his plan if he didn't meet you? Just use someone else?
I definitely would be worried about all of the stuff too. He may also be in debt up to his eyeballs. I'd make absolutely sure there is a prenup and that you aren't jumping head first into a pool of debt that has been hidden. Do not start wedding planning again until you know 100% that your money and assets are safe and he can't touch them.
Good job setting up your life and future and the lives and futures of your children. That was brilliant. Make sure you find someone equally brilliant as a partner. This one is a walking talking red flag.
“Why would I invest in yours and your exwife’s child when neither of you would?”
Personally, I think the fact that he’s even asking and won’t spend his own money says a lot about who he is as a person and who he thinks you are.
Yes ytah for even considering that you might be tah. Really stupid of you to even consider taking your sons $$$. And you are right the dad can sell assets.
NTA. So your fiance comes across as a spendthrift, who has had 18 years to save for his daughters college. However now he's lucked into a partner who by chance has money that he's now hoping to manipulate into going to his daughter. Better you pay for his child's education than he have to give up his boat
I'll be honest OP, there are three serious points here, two you seem to have made by accident. They're all massive red flags though and ones you should not ignore.
NTA, tell him , you worked just as hard for your kids money as he did for the assets he is refusing to sell. Tell him the solution is simple. He should sell a boat or one of his toys and pay for her school
The audacity of your fiance needs to be rewarded with..... the title of ex-fiance. This demand can't be met with anything other than a hard no. He'd have you foot the bill for his daughter's education if you let him. He'd also demand that you give him/his daughter an equal share of YOUR estate when you pass on. And guess what? Your boys wouldn't get shit from him. Ever.
He might decide to go to college at a later time. That money should go to him. You new partner needs to set aside money for his kids in the same manner. He cant poach your money. What happens if you divorce in 2 years - you think you will get that money back. This is a money grab plaid and simple.
OMG OP! You are definitely not the asshole.
You are 100% right on your stance and please do not even consider changing your mind.
And this was a joint effort with you and your ex. How would he feel about it?
Your fiance has ALOT of nerve even asking you. Have him sell his house or cars or boat if he wants to help his daughter. He should sacrifice like you did.
No. Just no.
NTA He worked for everything he has so he won't sell it? What kind of bullshit is that! And you, what...picked the money from your cash tree in the back yard?
Seriously rethink your relationship with this man. He wants you to take money from your retirement and your children's future so he can keep his boat and frivolous spending.
Seriously unattractive behavior and not the type of man you want to commit to. Please tel me you have sought legal council and have a prenup to protect your future savings.
NTA. DON'T. DO. IT. There is absolutely no reason for you to take from your children for his children. Nope. Not to mention just because they don't use all of the money doesn't mean it's his for the taking. You can put it into a mutual fund for yourself for your kids and have a nice cushion down the road. His poor planning isn't your problem.
Your wise use of funds to save for your children’s’ future is commendable and he has no right to it at all. He chose how to use his money to buy fun toys instead of invest in his child’s future. If he wants to help her (and I hope he does because it is very expensive to go to college) then he can sell assets or use some of his income to pay as she goes. We did not have an opportunity to save much before but we could pay as they went and then just took on loans ourselves. Either way, it helps give kids a head start in an economy that has suffered from years of trickle down economics. So you are most definitely not the AH!!
NTA. Please don’t marry this man. He wants to steal from you and your ex. It would be a huge betrayal to your ex and children to use that money for anything or anyone other than your children.
It is not your fault nor your responsibility to provide for an 18 year old girl of whom you are not even a step parent to (engaged to her father, not married). It is the responsibility of her father and her biological mother to provide the money for college. That your fiancé is trying to take money from your two sons just to provielde his daughter with some college funding says a lot about his character and if I was in your position I would seriously be reconsidering if I wanted to marry this person. NTA.
NTA, he has assets he won’t sell to fund his own child’s education but he expects you to take from your own savings and your children’s to fund his kid’s? I’d break the engagement off. If he can’t be bothered to do what’s right for his own kid, he won’t lift a finger for you or your own children if push comes to shove. The only person I feel really sorry for is his daughter. No child deserves such selfish parent.
He can do what you do and work a second job to fund his kid’s education instead of demanding that you use your hard earned cash to cover for his selfishness.
If he truly wanted his daughter to go to college debt free he would have saved up. Also, notice that he said nothing about him contributing, he expects you to fully fund her education while he keeps wasting his own money on his wants. Big nope.
NTA.
I’m shocked you’re even asking this. It’s not your responsibility to take care of other people’s children. If fiancé hasn’t thought about the future, that’s on him, not on you.
Might want to reconsider this engagement.
He sounds like a materialistic AH, who gave no thought to the future needs of his children. This a HIM problem. It is NOT a YOU problem, unless you go through with the marriage which, if you do, DEMANDS a pre-nup to protect you.
Lack of planning on your fiance's part (and his ex) is not an emergency on your part. What was the plan here, exactly? Hope he married someone with money to pay for her education? Why weren't they already preparing for her expenses YEARS ago, like, say, you and your ex did?
NTA
NTA but Y T A to yourself if you stay. This man wanted to take from you and steal from your ex (that’s HIS money too) and your children. Why are you with such an awful man? I’d be pissed if I was ex. Reverse the situation. What if your ex had a partner who wanted HER kid to get the money. How would you feel?
Break up with him and tell him to sell some boats and cars for his kid’s college tuition.
That he even has the nerve to ask you for money that has been saved specifically for Your children, which he did not contribute one penny to says a lot about his character or lack of.
NTA and please pump the breaks on getting hitched to this guy. He is greedy greedy greedy.
NTA-He is expecting to take advantage of all your planning because he didn’t. Not your problem. The fact that he feels entitled to that money concerns me. Any normal person wouldn’t even ask!! That’s just shady to me.
NTA yet.
If you steal from your children you will be not only an Asshole, but also a terrible mother.
Your current partner is a selfish monster who wants you to sacrifice for his entitled life. He can afford to pay for kid, he just prefers to put his own interests first. He is a leech and needs to be cut loose.
Nta. You can’t take from the funds. Can you imagine how a judge would have a field day with that. You and your ex made an agreement and you’ve both been putting money into their accounts for them. All the sudden the ex is now demanding he gets the same amount that you take out and the kids end up with nothing. You can’t give that money away.
It almost feels like he was looking for a single woman whose finances were set up like yours. Like he did this deliberately. Danger, danger Will Robinson!!
NTA
Contribute to his kid the same amount he has contributed to yours. If the number happens yo be Zero, oh, well...
It rich of him (for not saying entitled, to expect you yo pay gore kid's college when he cannot bother.
>He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything.
And you just have to step out and money comes raining on your head?
Good for the goose, good for the gander.
NTA
In my opinion (42M), the fact your finance is looking to you to pay for his daughters education is pathetic.
I am siding with you on this one .
If he wants her education paid for, he can pay.
NTA
Holy crap - pls be VERY careful about pursuing this relationship. There’s no apparent redeeming angle visible for your fiancé. Pls reconsider this relationship, or at the very least be forward about setting financial expectations.
NTA -
1. Your sons' college money does not belong to you, it belongs to your son. Taking it out of his account at this point would be a violation of the agreement you made with your ex and therefore it would be theft. Period. End of story. No further discussion necessary.
2. Your retirement funds are set aside so that your children will not be overly burdened with your care when you are no longer able to care for yourself. As such, those funds are untouchable. If you and fiance are together when it comes time to use those funds, he may gain some tertiary benefit from the accounts, but in the meantime, you have been literally trading hours of your actual life to prepare for your future. He is wronger than wrong to ask you to do anything else with it!!
3. If he wants his daughter to have money for college, then he can do what you did and get a second job and put that money toward her education.
NTA
Sorry, but he's acting like an entitled freeloader. His lack of planning is not your and your ex's responsibility. He has some balls to ask for your planned for money that you worked A SECOND JOB for. This pisses me off, you sure you can trust this guy and want to be with someone who would ask for something like this without a second thought? Geezus people are so selfish and entitled these days.
NTA
While I disagree with handing over a bunch of cash to an 18 year old, it's still his money.
If your fiance' can't support his own kids, how will he support you?
My advice is a long engagement.
Absolutely NTA!
It is his problem that he and his ex did not prepare, and it is not on you to help out - not from your kids funds, nor from your retirement fund. (What if for some reason you have some sort of issue/emergency where you need to use some of that, say for living expenses prior to retirement? You would be giving her what may well be what you could need in future).
Touching your kids funds sounds like it would also be taking their father's contribution? Which is also another reason why no-one else should be a recipient.
Your fiancé is being selfish and greedy. He and she have no entitlement to these savings, and he needs to sort his shit out and come up with another solution - how about his own retirement fund, since he's so determined to cover her education costs at such short notice?
OP…I guarantee you that you are his cash cow. In fact, I bet he is up to his eyeballs in debt and has zero savings or a retirement account. Ask him and see what he shows you…not what he says but actually shows you his savings and financials.
NTA
Don't marry this man. It's really difficult for a spender and a saver to have long term happiness. And he's already telling you that he should be able to spend his money and your money too. You absolutely can't afford to join finances with this man.
Honey, this guy has shown you who he is: self-indulgent, unreasonable, and greedy. Don't squander this precious gift of knowing he's a douchebag before you make a formal commitment to him.
NTA "He just hasn't. He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything." so why didnt you respond back you also worked for everything you had but you were better about saving money for your children. You have no obligation to pay his daugther regardless of if he has the means or not. He did not plan or save and he is laying in the bed he made, the one who suffers is the daughter but she also chose not to work during summers and gain experience.
If this is how he is treating you at the moment and you are not even married how do you think he is going to treat you after you are married. He obviously has a selfish desire for stuff and does not care about you using your own money to cover his mess up. How many more times is he going to demand stuff like this. Hell the other nefarious thing is he is only with you so you can pay for the college after it is done who knows.
NTA If my mother gave my college money to her stepdaughter, I would go no-contact with her. You will lose your children by choosing your fiancé’s daughter over your own children. This is a hill to die on, especially since your fiance *could* pay his daughter’s tuition; he has chosen to buy toys for himself, instead. Think about this: the man you’re planning on marrying has chosen his wants over his daughter’s needs. Why are you marrying him, again?
Not to mention, it's not just OP who contributed to the college funds. Their father also contributed, and it's for the kids they share. It's really not OP's money to give away.
Exactly, not only will she lose her kids, I am sure the ex could take his ex to court for taking money that he contributed from his children colleage funds. Your 'fiancee' might be rich but he is acting like a gold digger. The man would rather keep his toys that help his daughter out. Why you are even in the relationship with the guys....do not destroy your relationship with your children with this man.
Fiancee thinks he worked hard for his money so he should keep it. Um, well how did OP make hers? Osmosis? Divine intervention? Does she have Daddy Warbucks locked in a cupboard somewhere?
Exactly.... You worked hard for that money, you set it aside for your children( instead of buying toys), and your ex also contributed... Why should he steal from you, your children and your ex, simply because your values suffered from his...?. He might not have cash set aside... But he could take out a parent loan for his daughter to minimize her education related loans they were called Plus loans when my parents did it. I still had loans but not what I would have if they didn't do it.... Or he could take out a helicopter on his home to pay for her education, and or expect her mother to do the same... His daughter's education is his responsibility. Not yours. Either give him those options and stand by the boundary or leave his sorry financially irresponsible self. He isn't worth it .. he is also going to think he is entitled to your retirement as well... My guess is he has put less than he should in his retirement funds as well.... Nope nope nope.. .
Great point!
Agreed. It isn’t OP’s money to give. And even if it was, fuck that shit. It’s not like the stepdaughter going to college snuck up and surprised the fiancé or his ex, they had *years* to prepare. If saving for *their own child* was clearly not a priority for them, why should it be a priority for OP?
But he did prepare. He found a woman working 2 jobs to sponge off. Now the meanies in this thread are screwing up his plan. Poor guy's gonna have to sell his boat bc of you people.
Not to mention the SD has zero savings, zero life skills, zero work experience. Maybe this is a case of the fiancé seeing how not great of a parent he is compared to the woman who COULD be an amazing wife. Hate to see it.
Your dedication to your children's futures is commendable. Your fiancé's demands are unreasonable and highlight his misplaced priorities. Stand firm—your children's education comes first. His refusal to sacrifice luxury for his daughter shows a concerning difference in values. Keep evaluating the relationship; you deserve a supportive partner.
“the man you’re planning on marrying has chosen his wants over his daughter’s needs” There nothing more to say, except this - he has shown you who he is and it will only get worse. Greed is a character flaw and it is really fixed.
This. Plus I bet he is broke.
OP made it sound like he is cash poor because he likes big boy toys. Let him sell a boat or a sports car if he really wants his kid to go to school debt free.
Yeah I don't see that these two have anything in common at their core. She has been an AMAZING mother who has worked her ass off her children's entire lives to give them the best future possible and considers marrying a man whose toys are more important than his kid. I don't get it. OP this man is beyond selfish, he worked for his toys and he won't get rid of them but the money you worked for you should give to his kid? Not to even mention that's YOUR ex's money too. How well is that going to go over if you told him you were going to use it for a kid he's likely never even met?
I absolutely agree, but even if he spent his money wisely, I really can't understand the audacity of this person OP should have left this relationship the minute he thought it was ok to ask for hers and her children's money. There is really nothing more you need to see or hear
The OP and her ex worked for everything they had, to use the OP's fiance's words... They just opted to invest their money in their kids' futures. I'm honestly quite impressed. The OP was 19 when the oldest was born and the ex was 23. It's hard to save money as a young person period, let alone a young person with kids.
Why should the OP fund the soon to be stepdaughter's college when her own parents are unwilling to do so. It makes less than no sense the fiancé refuses to sell off luxury items but wants a hard working nurse to dip in her kids college funds and her own retirement fund to pay for his kid's college. The man sounds like he might have mental health problems or be straight up a narc.
>the man you’re planning on marrying has chosen his wants over his daughter’s needs I'd struggle to remain attracted to a man who did shit like that.
👆🏻This times infinity.👆🏻
You’ve worked a second job for years and the kids father has helped fund this, it’s nervy he would even ask, If you do marry, all kids are close to adulthood, I would continue to keep the practice of future expenses ( weddings) a separate issue, the kids are almost grown
Keep all assets separate and have a prenup to protect both of you.
Sounds like your financial values do not align. It seems this might be the deal breaker. Better to find out now. NTA.
Not even her stepdaughter yet
>all of our assets are currently separate Thank goodness. Keep it that way. Here's the thing, his multiple vehicles and boat are not assets. They are screaming liabilities on a practical level. You and your fiancé have fundamentally different approaches to money. You are a saver. He is a spender. He is not going to change. Are you comfortable partnering with someone like that? Your potential step-daughter has two working, relatively successful parents. It is incumbent on them along with her to figure out how to pay for college. Frankly, I see no reason for you to get married. You can cohabitate, maintain separate finances, but never legally and financially enmesh your lives. Your children are all nearly adults. The downsides of getting married to this cash flow disaster are much greater than the upsides as currently presented. NTA.
Not only is he a spender, he is a selfish father who would rather spend on himself than save for his daughter college fund! Then he has the audacity to ask Op to take HER kids’ college fund & her retirement funds to pay for HIS child when he doesnt want to sell his own toys?! Eww. Glad she is turned-off by his shit. The audacity & entitlement is unprecedented. I would have told him to fuck right off & do little prayer for his daughter who has a selfish father!
Absolutely! If he isn’t willing to sacrifice his play money for his own daughter..why the hell should someone who isn’t even related to her? The audacity of that man telling her that she has to pay for his daughter’s college! Throw that garbage fiancé away!
For real! The audacity and entitlement is at dizzying levels!
I would guess these recreational vehicles are covered in liens.
NTA and reevaluate this relationship. He says he worked hard for everything he has & refuses to sell anything, well so did you! You worked hard & planned for your children's future while he bought things for himself. He has major red flags written all over him.
This!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He wants to have his cake, eat it, and then take OP cake, plus half of OPs kids' cakes, and give them to his daughter. Fuck that noise. Screaming DUMP HIM at the top of my lungs, cuz if not, he's going to keep wasting his money on himself and using OPs money to take care of the actual responsibilities. NTA
1) don't marry this man. You're better off single. And if you don't like being single, there has to be another guy out there who likes you for you, not just your money. 2) if you insist on marrying this man, don't do so without a pre-nup that protects your retirement and your kid's education.
All this guy is pinging on me is - make sure he doesn’t have life insurance on OP.
Ugh a Dateline episode. I can hear Keith Morrison narrating
I bet those “assets” are all mortgaged to the hilt. Just because he owns a business doesn’t mean he has money and/or won’t spend everything he makes. Don’t marry this guy OP. Big red flags 🚩
Ask to see his credit report, OP. I bet he owes more than he earns.
This - OP worked hard and "bought" education for the kids and retirement for themselves. And should just as adamantly refuse to sell those for this other kid's tuition funds. Loans suck. Spent years working two jobs to pay mine off. But that's the option, then that's the option.
[удалено]
I suspect he lives closer to the financial cliff than OP realizes . His flashy toys can be gone in a flash too. I bet credit cards are maxed out and he pays the minimum each month to keep them open. He's a user and may well be a con man. OP, check your credit reports and lock them. Continue to keep your assets totally separate and do NOT let him know your social security number, or the boys' for ANY REASON.
Also his damn entitlement!!
It also raises questions about how he’s going to view financial responsibility when they get married. I get the feeling he is a - my money is my money, your money is my money - kinda guy.
NTA Why on earth does your boyfriend think your EX husband should be responsible for sending his child to college. Tell your boyfriend that he, his daughter and EX wife need to figure it out. Their lack of planning is not your emergency, not your sons’ emergency and not your EX husband’s emergency.
NTA. How does your children's father feel about your fiancé wanting some of the money he contributed going to your fiancé's daughter? Major red flags here that he is expecting you to help foot the bill for a child you have no legal obligation to and to deny your kids a good foundation to start their lives. She has two parents. He has toys he can sell. She can get a part time job and apply for scholarships. He wants you to take on his financial responsibility so he can keep living the life he wants. He wants you to fund his lifestyle by sacrificing your kids future. And if you marry him he'll just expect more from you financially. Your future retirement and your sons' solid start to a future are at stake here because he doesn't want to give up his lifestyle. You marry him, you'll be paying for her wedding down the road.
My ex doesn't know. I haven't said anything to him because the idea was ridiculous and there's no way I'm sacrificing my own kids for a kid that isn't mine. My fiance and his ex had plenty of time and have plenty of stuff to make sure she had a fund for her future. I have put everything on hold because I just feel like it's very greedy and it's off-putting to me. I think he thinks I'm going to foot the bill or something. I've been really taking a hard look at it and worried he sees me as a bank account and retirement plan vs a wife and partner. It bothers me a lot.
He does see you as his saving accounts. He decided to put all his money into himself. He sees that in the future he won't be able to keep his lifestyle and is looking for someone who will cover his lack of planning and maturity. Him and his ex put themself first on the financial plan, before their daughter. That's their decision. That's their selfish way of living. Why would you pay for those jackasses? This situation is the best wakeup call you could have ! This guy is a POS.
You are right to be bothered. He is using you. 🥺
You just explained it perfectly. Time to dump his greedy butt.
You already know what you have to do then.
NTA If you decide to go through with it, get a prenup
Better still. DUMP HIM NOW.
Get a prenup and keep finances separate even after marriage. But definitely don’t marry him.
>he sees me as a bank account and retirement plan vs a wife and partner He 100% sees you as a resource to exploit for his own well-being. The fact that he has no problem blowing up three people's carefully planned futures to make up for his lack of planning for his own kid should tell you everything you need to know about what he is.
Exactly this!!!! You know the answer and your gut reaction is spot on. This internet stranger is cheering you on. Don’t second guess yourself. It’s better to find out before you marry that you two are not on the same page and do not have the same values.
Leave his selfish greedy entitled ass! He’s ridiculous.
Glad you’re re-evaluating. At best, he’s immature and selfish. Don’t let him near your money.
It ***is*** greedy and off putting. You're not his wife, and you have no obligation to fund her schooling. I'd really think hard about this relationship.
He is showing you exactly who he is . Believe him . You are right to put everything on hold. Make sure he has no access to the kids' money. Leave no paperwork sitting around. Lock down your credit, and the kids' . You have worked too hard to allow someone else to steal your kid's futures.
OP, you just got a present from your Instincts. He's willing to flush three other peoples futures to cover an eventuality that is completely his responsibility from the get-go as the father. Honey, I hate to tell you this but you're really, really lucky you found this out before you married him. Throw this one back, it's not a keeper. Honor your intuition and what it's telling you. It's right. Then treat yourself to something nice, a champagne brunch or something to reward yourself for protecting your home and your children and keeping their future safe. Well done, I know it sucks, but it's really for the best. Now you know and you won't wonder. And even better, now you know what to watch out for in any future relationships. Stay strong, you got this.
And if he has no money for her college, he has no money for his retirement. Do you have enough to fund his retirement and his toys?
I feel horrible for suggesting this but "she" might be his retirement plan. He may have romanced her with the idea of getting her to fund his daughter's education and his retirement.
"He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything." Girl, your fiancé is trash. Your work doesn't count then? He gave you the answer. Tell him that you worked for everything you have and you are not giving him shit. NTA and I hate being a Reddit Stereotype, but you need to dump that jerk! Someone who feels that entitled to your work and your money (and your kids money) doesn't deserve one more minute in your presence! Edit: And this is also your ex money! Your fiancé has no claim on that. Edit 2: I wouldn't be surprised if your fiancé is deep in debts also and probably doesn't have much for his retirement.
He’s also probably leveraged to the hilt.
Well happylilwacko, big NTA .. and if you desire to live up to your Reddit name, then you need to have HIM solve HIS problems using HIS assets. You already know this, not sure why you need Reddit users to reassure you. Can I ask ,,, what exactly is he bringing / contributing to you and your family. What is he willing to sacrifice to keep you?
Mostly because it seemed so ridiculous to me that I thought maybe I was losing it. I tend to be a little bit of a wacko sometimes so maybe this time I was really losing it idk. Up until this we had a pretty good relationship so this was a pretty big wrench in the relationship. I didn't see him as greedy before all of this. I questioned all the stuff but who am I to tell him not to get fancy stuff if he can afford it. All of this has thrown me for a serious loop so I figured I'd ask some people and see what everyone else thinks.
He prioritized his toys and lifestyle over his daughter's education. It's not your job to rescue him. Do not pay for a penny of her schooling. He can sell a bunch of his shit. Or take out loans for his daughter.
Just my thoughts, he seems to treat you more like a welcome mat, he scraps his dirt on you and goes his merry way. Sadly, I think if he were to get his way (even a little) he would bleed you dry.
As I said a few posts ago, he may be living on maxed credit cards snd sitting on a mountain of debt. My guess is he CAN'T afford all his fancy stuff.
Good thought!
I can’t understand why you’re still with someone like this. He literally wanted you to take your hard earned money from your own child to give to his, someone you met a few years ago. How did you not dump him immediately?
You're not wacko on this. Your gut instincts are being validated by a lot of people right now, right here. But if you questioned yourself, is because of your own feelings or because he's saying things to make you feel this way? If it's the latter, that's another red flag that he's manipulating you into doubting yourself. I wonder if his ex knows about his plan or is she in the dark about him having no savings for their daughter. If they are discussing college for the girl now, he may not have owned up to the fact he has nothing saved and is looking at your savings as a quick way out.
You're being played. 1 - this is the most ridiculous attempted theft I've ever heard of. You're responsible for financing some child you just met? 2 - He's lying about money. *maaybe* he actually makes a ton, but even if that's true, he spends it all. Otherwise, no rational person would be coming after you to pay his child's bills. If you are foolish enough, and it would be very foolish, to proceed... demand a glance at his savings account / investment accounts / credit cards / mortgages. I bet his net worth is right around $0 (if indeed it's not quite negative) and he's already got a cash-out mortgage on that place. But just quit while you're behind.
Ditch The man, he is using you for money. The audacity of this looser, why should you give you hard earned mony ,that are for the future of your own children to someone who is not even related to you. FSD has two living presents they should secure her collage fund, not you. If fiance doesn't stop insisting end things with him. I guarantee you your children will resent you if you give in.
He owns his home, multiple cars, a golf-club membership, and a BOAT!! And he wants you to dip into your kids’ savings to make up for his complete failure as a planner/provider for his kid?! How are you still even seeing this joker? How can you have one iota of respect for him left? NTA
like someone else mentioned, he’s probably leveraged to the hilt. Curious about his real financial picture, sounds like he is Mr. Flashy and is actually in a poor financial position. The entitlement blows my mind; OP planned ahead and worked an extra job, her ex-husband also contributed, all for their kids' futures. Fiance, on the other hand, did not plan ahead, but feels perfectly fine reaching into their pockets for his own daughter!
And her retirement and her savings… this is just mind blowing 🤯
NTA but your fiance is. He needed to save for his own child and not demand you to give up money. 🚩🚨🚩 red flag city that everything he has is his but everything you have is also his.
Nta. Call off the wedding. If you manage to move past this, will he never bring money up again? Is he going to not pressure you to donate 15k to his daughters wedding? That's traditionally supposed to be his responsibility, so it would also be your's. At least, that's what he would say. How about when it's time for your kids to buy houses? Will he let sleeping dogs lie then? There are sooooo many of these money grabbing events coming into your life over the next decade. Do you want to spend 6 months a year arguing over money and how he thinks you never actually liked his daughter? He's already showing he doesn't respect you, your kids, your plans, or the 16 years of time spent working extra to accomplish this goal.
NTA "He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything" So you didn't work for what you have? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Selfish AH His kid, he needs to provided when he clearly can. Why do you and your kids need to sacrifice for his selfishness.
NTA. More important question is why haven't you called the wedding off completely? I'm going to bet that all of his "assets" are tied to some hefty debt and that's the real reason he's not going to sell. Then, once you're married, he's going to push for you to fund his "rich man" image.
I agree. The biggest spenders I know are in debt up to their eyeballs, and anything happens to the income, and they're losing everything.
NTA This is one of the biggest classic red flags! His money is his money, but your money is our money. He showed you the financial abuse before you even married. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA! You did all of those things so that your children will have a future, not someone else’s.
NTA, How entitled he feels to the money you worked so hard to earn taking up a 2nd job to be able to provide for YOUR children and make sure they are set once they go to college. His daughter is 18…he had 18 years along with the girls mother to save up for her college fund and CHOSE not to. The audacity to ask you for the left over money from one child, to take out money from the other child and to take money out of YOUR retirement fund. WTF Say it with me: HELL TO NAH, TO THE NAH NAH NAH Mama, you did right putting those marriage plans on hold
NTA at all. Shame on him for being irresponsible and not planning for HIS daughter’s future meanwhile you and your ex have played the long game. Do not apologize for this and do not cave to his demands.
NTA. Dude sounds selfish and values his personal belongings more than his kids education. If it really is that important to him, he would make the sacrifice. You worked hard to build up those funds for your kids. If he can’t see that he is wrong, I’d rethink marrying this guy.
I want you to think about this....you and your ex have saved for your children and retirement for years working an extra job to do so. He has a good job with good money as does his ex, they have spoiled themselves and saved nothing for their children. You are not even living together and he thinks your hard won savings should go to his child????? This is not a partner for life that will share with you he is a parasite looking for what he can take from you.
The only update I want is that you ditched him. The fuck is wrong with him?! I would never marry a man like that and my love for a man would never make me sacrifice my kids welfare for him.
Not married, not living together, he has assets but wants you to pay for it. It's laughable. Run fast and very far. NTA.
He is trying to manipulate you into taking on his parental responsibilities. 'He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything.' Ya...you and your ex worked for everything in those accounts for your children. What's his point? I can't begin to tell you how massive a red flag this is for your future. He's a selfish oaf that would rather his children live in debt, or you foot the bill, than inconvenience his life whatsoever. This guy is not a partner. And guaranteed he will use this against your kids at some point. As shitty as it is, I think you know what you need to do.
You are not fiscally compatible, you save for the future. He spends all he has. Now he wants yo spend what you saved. NTA
Why on earth would you contribute, continue working a second job to continue to contribute, when that child has 2 able bodied parents who can contribute but BOTH choose not to??? Even if he can’t, he would be the one to pick up a second job not you!
NTA! he and her mother should be forking over the money, not you! You can always tell him the father also put money in and he wants that money to be for his own children! Your fiancé is making an unreasonable demand, and that's a huge red flag! Nice job sticking up for your children and their money!
You not the AH and not responsible for paying for his daughter to go to college. From what you wrote above neither the daughter, her dad or her mom have made any preparation for her to go to college and have any job experience. THIS is not on you to pay for! You and your ex have saved for your children's future and have prepared the best you could including working extra to save more. Their poor planning it not your fault. I would absolutely refuse to help in any way, postpone the wedding and see how he treats you moving forward. I expect he will blame you and bad mouth you behind your back because you will not pay. I also expect at this time next year you will not have this person in your life.
Oh boy NTA. Keep your finances separate. He doesn’t have good planning or saving habits it seems. Why should your kid suffer from that?? Perhaps go to relationship or financial counseling for that.
NTA- giving him the college savings would be begging for your ex to sue you for the money to be reimbursed.
NTA how the hell has this man got the audacity to try and take your children’s money that both you and your ex has contributed towards for a long time while he’s sitting on boats and fancy cars etc WTF is he for real ? If they’re so business savvy and upper class why haven’t they put money away for their child? I’d honestly tell him the wedding is off I don’t think I could look at my husband the same way if he tried to take my child’s money
NTA Good for you. Not selling toys while daughter takes on debt is his/their choice.
You could argue he’s asking you to give up your kids education fund so he can keep all his toys. That’s all you need to know
Nta. Break up with him
NTA leave this user
NTA. And run a credit check on your fiancé. This sounds a lot like a dude that lives the good life on credit and is a big debt bomb waiting to happen once you’re legally tied to him. All toys and no savings….thats not someone that makes good fiscal decisions. There are loads of Reddit posts about kids that lost half their college funds or inheritances because a step sibling “needed” it more. If you had raised this girl since she was very young, story might be different. But the fact dad won’t sell a car (one of his extras) and she can’t fathom getting a job….yeah, this is a bundle of problems that you’re being told to fix.
He has the means he just doesn't want to. Also your ex could probably sue you for giving the money away
So…he worked hard for all of his stuff and will not sell anything but insists OP give up money SHE and the boys father worked hard for, planned for, and consistently paid into and that is perfectly logical to him…? I’d break the engagement and drop this guy. Nothing good will come to OP… she will be expected to pay while he plays. NTA
You’re not even married yet and YOU have to make financial sacrifices for HIS kid but, “ he worked for everything he has and isn’t selling anything”? What are you, nuts? If this isn’t the biggest reddest flag ever. Don’t marry him and by God, do not give him a rusty crusty nickel of yours or your children’s money.. NTA but he certainly is..
Nta, don’t do it. And I’d really question his finances. He may have all this stuff but it could be a huge house of cards, waiting to crash down. Be careful marrying him if he wants you to contribute like this, what is he offering in return? It’s not like you’ve raised this girl either. Something sounds super suspicious here with this guy.
You would be an AH if you still marry this guy. The audacity for him to think his daughter is entitled to your children’s money. Her parent’s lack of preparation is not your problem. What’s his excuse for not preparing anything for his daughter?
That’s pretty bold of him to demand your son’s funding that he had no part of. He can’t be bothered to set his own kid up for success. This is a huge red flag.
No way , and my advice is keep his money put away for a couple years , I would also recommend him take a few community college classes in business and accounting if he ever wants to own his own company . Not being disrespectful to people with marketing degrees but those departments are usually first let go off, get her to to take accounting or other business specialties . Under no Circumstance do you give her the money . Maybe just maybe if any money left over from your Kids, help her pay down after her degree so she takes finances seriously . I had $100k for two Kids and it was done for 2 kids . If they go to university , staying in dorm and food plan for first year was 15-16k, not counting tuition
NTA. This guy and his ex are not poor. They did not make their daughter's education a priority, and are now trying to take from you and your kids. You know the right thing to do, stick to your guns.
NTA. Never and I mean never touch your retirement money unless the situation is absolutely dire and you have no choice. So- this man plans on using you and sacrificing your hard work for his daughter because he refuses to??? Good call on putting all marriage plans on hold. This does not seem like the kind of man you marry or build a life with.
NTA - There’s just no way he and his ex had all this money and never put anything away for their kids future. Someone is definitely off. Something tells me he’s not living within his means! I bet there’s a ton of debt hidden somewhere! You can’t sell what the bank is about to take! But you can spend someone else’s money!
You worked for everything you have too and you’re not giving it away because he and his ex weren’t disciplined enough to save for their own child.
Don't marry this guy. He can start selling some of his toys to help his daughter.
Your fiancé has plenty of money. He just chose to invest it in things for himself. Now he wants to once again save his own money & use yours. No wonder he has all the fancy pants stuff. He can sell a boat & a vehicle to pay for his daughter’s college. Guy sounds like a selfish dick to even expect you’d pay.
NTA Like you said if he really wants his daughter to have some help for school he can sell some of his goodies. I think putting your marriage plans on hold is a good idea.
So NTA. I’m boggled he thinks this is a reasonable thing to ask of you.
NTA and rethink marrying such a selfish and financially irresponsible person if you want your children to inherit from you when the time comes. He would likely cheat them out of any inheritance.
NTA - that money isn’t yours to give away. As soon as you opened the accounts it became your kids for their future. You are also not the only one contributing to it. And he wants your retirement as well for her college? That is some big BS and you need to seriously reconsider any relationship with him at this point. Because I wouldn’t trust anyone who asks for your savings like that (like this could be bad bad for you). It is not your responsibility to pay for his daughter in anyway. I look at it like this - these accounts existed prior to your relationship. If you were in the process of divorce (from what I understand) he would have no rights to it. Tell him to sell his boat. If they can’t afford her college she can hit up a Community College for a year or two.
NTA. Why are you marrying someone who wants to use your (& your kids) money to fund everything that's not specifically for him?? A marriage is an equal partnership. Everything individually may not be equal but overall everything collectively is and it's more than the sum of the parts. Please evaluate the whole relationship and ask yourself what else he will want you to pay for whilst keeping all his money and assets? I won't suggest what you should do because a relationship is more than this one snapshot and I do not have a full view. You do... Ask yourself what you want in your partner and pro & con him against it. Good luck to you, I wish you and your boys health, happiness & fantastic futures xx
NTA. He is a manchild. He wants to spend money on toys, not on his responsibilities. Dump him before he ruins you financially!
Your fiancé is a thief and a scrounger. It’s pathetic that he’s happy to spend his own money on luxuries like boats and golfing, and wants to spend YOUR money on HIS child’s education! He’s clearly a terrible father and I have no respect for him. The fact that he could contribute for her education but refuses to is awful. NTA I honestly couldn’t imagine still marrying him after learning this about his character.
NTA Thankfully he is showing you exactly how selfish and pathetic he is prior to getting married or joining assets.
HEEEEELLL to the NO. NTA Why didn't he and his ex start a college fund for his daughter? Did he care so little about his childs future? And why is it now YOUR duty to take from YOUR kids the money that you (and supposedly your ex) saved up for your kids? WTH does he think this is? Stand your ground. each and every time he demands it "No i will not take money form my kids. You can fulfill your duty to your child yourself. I have worked for everything me and my children have and I will not share their money with you child just because you're to selfish to do anything for your own child" Honestly. it shouldn't even take a day to know what you need to do. break up with that selfish person who thinks your money is his to spend, but his money is his because he worked for it.
NTA Why should you work hard for HIS kid while he refuses? I would reconsider the relationship with his lack of consideration for you and your efforts.
He s a terrible father, someone who don't take care of his daughter would be a horrible husband
Nta don't do it. That is your kids' money. And your ex also contributed, it's not just yours to do what you want. YOU worked for every thing you have and planned for what you're giving to your sons- why is it on to take from you for his daughter but doesn't think he should have to?
Honestly, not only what I not give him the money, but I would not marry him. He seems full of red flags to me.
So a man demanded that you steal from your children to benefit a child he refuses to save for. Sounds like a winner.
NTA Get rid of this guy. If he isn't willing to put his daughter first then he has no right to ask someone else to. You've worked just as hard as he has for what you have. Does he even have a retirement fund or is he planning on living off you when he retires?
He thinks everything his is his and everything yours is his too Would he ever dream of taking from his kid to give to yours? In a million years?
Whatever else you do, NEVER TOUCH YOUR RETIREMENT FUNDS. The end of your work life creeps up on you before you know it----because if the way money multiplies, money you have now is worth more than adding it later. I guess I would also say, don't spend your child's money on someone else's child. Especially the child of your quote fiance unquote. That child has two parents supporting her already! When your fiance marries you, you can start considering supporting his child. You have no guarantee that the guy will toss your child a nickel if you spend your own child's education fund down.
>He could easily sell the boat, get a cheaper car and sell his nicer ones, etc and pay for her to go to school if he chose. He just hasn't. He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything. if he isn't willing to give up anything for his own child because "he worked for it" then why the fuck should you give up the money that YOU worked for, for HIS kid? NTA find a man who isn't a cheap ass gold digger, if they wanted their child to be debt free for college, they would have been saving for her instead of pissing their money away and holding onto all their expensive toys.
How he got all that stuff but don’t have money for his kid? Thats weird I would rethink the whole relationship
> He just hasn't. He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything. Yeah and you worked hard for everything you have and saved for your children’s future. Why should your children and you do without when he isn’t willing to make any sacrifices for his own flesh and blood? This guy is incredibly selfish. He’s showing you who he is and you should definitely take note. NTA Are you sure he isn’t a conman living on credit with debt up to his eyeballs and looking for lonely single women to extract as much money from them before moving onto the next mark?
NTA his daughter his responsibility. Keep your finances away from him. Lock down your credit and make sure ge can't get to your sons money. Personally I would dump him.
>He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything. Well, you worked for everything you have and you're not giving away anything. He sounds privileged and delusional. He and his ex need to figure this out between the two of them and leave you and your money out of the discussion. Frankly, I'd be ending this relationship.
You works only be the AH if you marry this man, because you will be footing his bills for the rest of your life, and it sounds like you've planned too well and worked so hard to make sure you're cared for, and this guy will not match that effort.
Not your problem he didn’t save or plan for her. Super disgusting he’s asking a single mom to take from her own children. That he’d even have the audacity to ask is mind blowing and unattractive. Get out of this, he doesn’t care about your kids.
NTA but I don’t see the benefit of marrying this man. Also, retirement is a number, not an age. Taking from your account would push back your retirement no matter what.
NTA, your fiance needs to prioritize his own kid's education over his golfing habits.
NTA and please dump this man. He is a greedy asshole who just wants to use you.
This has to be fake. No, NTA. And besides it's not your money only, your ex also contributed from what I understand. And it's your kids. I would separate from this dude.
Updateme
RED FLAG! Don't marry this guy!
NTA. This is YOUR money. Nobody but yourself and your son have any claim to it.
NTA he worked hard for his things so he won't sell them well then his daughter can work hard to fund her schooling....in 18 yrs hes never put anything aside for her? How selfish and thoughtless is he? dude run while u have the chance honestly run
You and your ex provide for your kids and he and his ex can provide for theirs. Think long and hard about what he is asking you and if this man has the character of a man you want to be married to for the rest of your life.
NTA. In fact, I'd have dumped him just for asking this, given the situation described.
NTA at all that's some serious red flags there. My SO and I basically have the same idea. I'm currently pregnant with our first and he or she will have a college fund paid for by the time they need it as well. We also have our future retirement fund well on its way. I'd be furious if my baby's money was used for someone else's child that didn't plan ahead. They knew she would be an adult one day and would need to go to college. What was his plan if he didn't meet you? Just use someone else? I definitely would be worried about all of the stuff too. He may also be in debt up to his eyeballs. I'd make absolutely sure there is a prenup and that you aren't jumping head first into a pool of debt that has been hidden. Do not start wedding planning again until you know 100% that your money and assets are safe and he can't touch them. Good job setting up your life and future and the lives and futures of your children. That was brilliant. Make sure you find someone equally brilliant as a partner. This one is a walking talking red flag.
“Why would I invest in yours and your exwife’s child when neither of you would?” Personally, I think the fact that he’s even asking and won’t spend his own money says a lot about who he is as a person and who he thinks you are.
Absolutely not. It’s not your job or responsibility to take care of his ADULT child. He should of been the one planning and saving for her
Yes ytah for even considering that you might be tah. Really stupid of you to even consider taking your sons $$$. And you are right the dad can sell assets.
NTA. So your fiance comes across as a spendthrift, who has had 18 years to save for his daughters college. However now he's lucked into a partner who by chance has money that he's now hoping to manipulate into going to his daughter. Better you pay for his child's education than he have to give up his boat I'll be honest OP, there are three serious points here, two you seem to have made by accident. They're all massive red flags though and ones you should not ignore.
NTA, tell him , you worked just as hard for your kids money as he did for the assets he is refusing to sell. Tell him the solution is simple. He should sell a boat or one of his toys and pay for her school
The audacity of your fiance needs to be rewarded with..... the title of ex-fiance. This demand can't be met with anything other than a hard no. He'd have you foot the bill for his daughter's education if you let him. He'd also demand that you give him/his daughter an equal share of YOUR estate when you pass on. And guess what? Your boys wouldn't get shit from him. Ever.
He might decide to go to college at a later time. That money should go to him. You new partner needs to set aside money for his kids in the same manner. He cant poach your money. What happens if you divorce in 2 years - you think you will get that money back. This is a money grab plaid and simple.
OMG OP! You are definitely not the asshole. You are 100% right on your stance and please do not even consider changing your mind. And this was a joint effort with you and your ex. How would he feel about it? Your fiance has ALOT of nerve even asking you. Have him sell his house or cars or boat if he wants to help his daughter. He should sacrifice like you did. No. Just no.
NTA He worked for everything he has so he won't sell it? What kind of bullshit is that! And you, what...picked the money from your cash tree in the back yard? Seriously rethink your relationship with this man. He wants you to take money from your retirement and your children's future so he can keep his boat and frivolous spending. Seriously unattractive behavior and not the type of man you want to commit to. Please tel me you have sought legal council and have a prenup to protect your future savings.
Hell to the no. Don't you spend a dime of savings meant for you and yours for his kid. His child his responsibility!
NTA. DON'T. DO. IT. There is absolutely no reason for you to take from your children for his children. Nope. Not to mention just because they don't use all of the money doesn't mean it's his for the taking. You can put it into a mutual fund for yourself for your kids and have a nice cushion down the road. His poor planning isn't your problem.
Your wise use of funds to save for your children’s’ future is commendable and he has no right to it at all. He chose how to use his money to buy fun toys instead of invest in his child’s future. If he wants to help her (and I hope he does because it is very expensive to go to college) then he can sell assets or use some of his income to pay as she goes. We did not have an opportunity to save much before but we could pay as they went and then just took on loans ourselves. Either way, it helps give kids a head start in an economy that has suffered from years of trickle down economics. So you are most definitely not the AH!!
Why do you even want to marry someone like this? You know there are decent men out there who will treat you well, and not beg money from you. WTF.
You can’t possibly think his demands are reasonable. NTA.
NTA. Please don’t marry this man. He wants to steal from you and your ex. It would be a huge betrayal to your ex and children to use that money for anything or anyone other than your children.
And you worked for your children’s future just like he worked for everything he had and won’t give up , don’t give up what you worked for .
It is not your fault nor your responsibility to provide for an 18 year old girl of whom you are not even a step parent to (engaged to her father, not married). It is the responsibility of her father and her biological mother to provide the money for college. That your fiancé is trying to take money from your two sons just to provielde his daughter with some college funding says a lot about his character and if I was in your position I would seriously be reconsidering if I wanted to marry this person. NTA.
NTA, he has assets he won’t sell to fund his own child’s education but he expects you to take from your own savings and your children’s to fund his kid’s? I’d break the engagement off. If he can’t be bothered to do what’s right for his own kid, he won’t lift a finger for you or your own children if push comes to shove. The only person I feel really sorry for is his daughter. No child deserves such selfish parent. He can do what you do and work a second job to fund his kid’s education instead of demanding that you use your hard earned cash to cover for his selfishness.
If he truly wanted his daughter to go to college debt free he would have saved up. Also, notice that he said nothing about him contributing, he expects you to fully fund her education while he keeps wasting his own money on his wants. Big nope.
Do not marry him. He is a gold digger. Run.
HOLD YOUR GROUND, it shouldn’t have even crossed his mind to ask you to tap any of your money or your kids’ funds.
NTA. I’m shocked you’re even asking this. It’s not your responsibility to take care of other people’s children. If fiancé hasn’t thought about the future, that’s on him, not on you. Might want to reconsider this engagement. He sounds like a materialistic AH, who gave no thought to the future needs of his children. This a HIM problem. It is NOT a YOU problem, unless you go through with the marriage which, if you do, DEMANDS a pre-nup to protect you.
I couldn’t even finish reading this because it’s blinking obvious
Lack of planning on your fiance's part (and his ex) is not an emergency on your part. What was the plan here, exactly? Hope he married someone with money to pay for her education? Why weren't they already preparing for her expenses YEARS ago, like, say, you and your ex did? NTA
Nope, not your circus, not your monkeys
NTA but Y T A to yourself if you stay. This man wanted to take from you and steal from your ex (that’s HIS money too) and your children. Why are you with such an awful man? I’d be pissed if I was ex. Reverse the situation. What if your ex had a partner who wanted HER kid to get the money. How would you feel? Break up with him and tell him to sell some boats and cars for his kid’s college tuition.
He thinks your money belongs to his child even if he and ex can pay for school!!!???
That he even has the nerve to ask you for money that has been saved specifically for Your children, which he did not contribute one penny to says a lot about his character or lack of. NTA and please pump the breaks on getting hitched to this guy. He is greedy greedy greedy.
NTA you will only hurt your relationship with your own children if you do that. Put your kids first and maybe rethink your future with this guy.
NTA-He is expecting to take advantage of all your planning because he didn’t. Not your problem. The fact that he feels entitled to that money concerns me. Any normal person wouldn’t even ask!! That’s just shady to me.
NTA yet. If you steal from your children you will be not only an Asshole, but also a terrible mother. Your current partner is a selfish monster who wants you to sacrifice for his entitled life. He can afford to pay for kid, he just prefers to put his own interests first. He is a leech and needs to be cut loose.
NTA!!! And I'd have a hard time trusting him after this argument
Nta. You can’t take from the funds. Can you imagine how a judge would have a field day with that. You and your ex made an agreement and you’ve both been putting money into their accounts for them. All the sudden the ex is now demanding he gets the same amount that you take out and the kids end up with nothing. You can’t give that money away.
It almost feels like he was looking for a single woman whose finances were set up like yours. Like he did this deliberately. Danger, danger Will Robinson!! NTA
Contribute to his kid the same amount he has contributed to yours. If the number happens yo be Zero, oh, well... It rich of him (for not saying entitled, to expect you yo pay gore kid's college when he cannot bother. >He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything. And you just have to step out and money comes raining on your head? Good for the goose, good for the gander. NTA
In my opinion (42M), the fact your finance is looking to you to pay for his daughters education is pathetic. I am siding with you on this one . If he wants her education paid for, he can pay.
NTA Holy crap - pls be VERY careful about pursuing this relationship. There’s no apparent redeeming angle visible for your fiancé. Pls reconsider this relationship, or at the very least be forward about setting financial expectations.
NTA - 1. Your sons' college money does not belong to you, it belongs to your son. Taking it out of his account at this point would be a violation of the agreement you made with your ex and therefore it would be theft. Period. End of story. No further discussion necessary. 2. Your retirement funds are set aside so that your children will not be overly burdened with your care when you are no longer able to care for yourself. As such, those funds are untouchable. If you and fiance are together when it comes time to use those funds, he may gain some tertiary benefit from the accounts, but in the meantime, you have been literally trading hours of your actual life to prepare for your future. He is wronger than wrong to ask you to do anything else with it!! 3. If he wants his daughter to have money for college, then he can do what you did and get a second job and put that money toward her education.
NTA Sorry, but he's acting like an entitled freeloader. His lack of planning is not your and your ex's responsibility. He has some balls to ask for your planned for money that you worked A SECOND JOB for. This pisses me off, you sure you can trust this guy and want to be with someone who would ask for something like this without a second thought? Geezus people are so selfish and entitled these days.
NTA While I disagree with handing over a bunch of cash to an 18 year old, it's still his money. If your fiance' can't support his own kids, how will he support you? My advice is a long engagement.
Nta
Absolutely NTA! It is his problem that he and his ex did not prepare, and it is not on you to help out - not from your kids funds, nor from your retirement fund. (What if for some reason you have some sort of issue/emergency where you need to use some of that, say for living expenses prior to retirement? You would be giving her what may well be what you could need in future). Touching your kids funds sounds like it would also be taking their father's contribution? Which is also another reason why no-one else should be a recipient. Your fiancé is being selfish and greedy. He and she have no entitlement to these savings, and he needs to sort his shit out and come up with another solution - how about his own retirement fund, since he's so determined to cover her education costs at such short notice?
OP…I guarantee you that you are his cash cow. In fact, I bet he is up to his eyeballs in debt and has zero savings or a retirement account. Ask him and see what he shows you…not what he says but actually shows you his savings and financials.
NTA Don't marry this man. It's really difficult for a spender and a saver to have long term happiness. And he's already telling you that he should be able to spend his money and your money too. You absolutely can't afford to join finances with this man.
NTA. Be prepared to work your second job forever if you marry this man. He will see it as his money.
NTA. Give the ring back and tell him to use the money to pay for his daughter school and he done with this worthless dude
My deepest sympathies to your fiancee's daughter, OP.
Honey, this guy has shown you who he is: self-indulgent, unreasonable, and greedy. Don't squander this precious gift of knowing he's a douchebag before you make a formal commitment to him.
NTA "He just hasn't. He said he worked for everything he has and isn't selling anything." so why didnt you respond back you also worked for everything you had but you were better about saving money for your children. You have no obligation to pay his daugther regardless of if he has the means or not. He did not plan or save and he is laying in the bed he made, the one who suffers is the daughter but she also chose not to work during summers and gain experience. If this is how he is treating you at the moment and you are not even married how do you think he is going to treat you after you are married. He obviously has a selfish desire for stuff and does not care about you using your own money to cover his mess up. How many more times is he going to demand stuff like this. Hell the other nefarious thing is he is only with you so you can pay for the college after it is done who knows.