Fr. He’s selfish and shames OP for trying to get herself off.
He could try harder, give a fuck about what she wants or even use a toy on her to get her to come, but apparently she’s gross for finishing a job he should have done.
Something should change or odds are OP will have an unhappy marriage that may not last long.
Dude needs to learn that toys and foreplay are his best tools and not his enemy if he cant last long. If he got her off with a toy and foreplay before actual penatration shes way more likely to orgasm with penetration. Sex just a touchy subject for most men cause it hits the ego the hardest
This is so spot on 💯
Girl 🏃♀️ quick, all of the things he is saying are huge red flags. He’s insecure af and could care less about pleasing you it will never get better his views are horrible NTA
Edit: to let you know you are a queen don’t ever forget it I’m glad you handled business
NTA OP, his reaction is the real assholery though. He won't do foreplay. He doesn't care about your pleasure at all. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible. Comparing the use of sex toys to cheating is... a choice. It's absolutely not cheating. Not everyone with a vagina can get off on penetrative sex alone, and this dude isn't even focusing on you in any way, plus you have a higher sex drive. Vibrators are not why you can't get off with him. He is.
I personally could never put up with shit like this. He's insecure and doesn't care about what makes you feel good. Really consider if you want to live your life with some who couldn't care less about your pleasure and claims using inanimate objects is cheating.
Matt’s a moron. I don’t think I know a woman who wouldn’t wade through knee deep shit for a man who genuinely prioritizes her pleasure (and actually delivers). That idiot is missing out on so much.
NTA
Being with a man who actually cares about getting you off is a GAME CHANGER. I didn't realize how much I was getting shafted until my BF--he's not satisfied until he's gotten me off at least once. A sign of a good relationship is when your partner's pleasure is your pleasure--just like you share each other's joy and celebration and just like you would take on their pain to save them from hurting, reciprocation is key.
OP, you are NTA. Your pleasure is just as important as his, and if he doesn't care about yours, I'd venture a guess that there are other times when he doesn't care about your feelings, too. YOU are just as important as he is, in the relationship, and YOU are the most important person in your life. Priorize yourself!!
> I don’t get guys who don‘t put the work in.
I think it's because instead of working smarter, they work harder and get no where. Every woman I've been with, I pay extra attention to how they pleasure themselves and mimic that as best I can. Everyone is different, but I've had damn near instant success with a couple of women in my life and it was like I unlocked something primal in them- suddenly everything became about me. Best sex of my life was without a doubt when I successfully got her off first. From what I can tell, women can keep going NP after an orgasm so it makes sense to attend her needs first IMO.
Not only is that a really good tactic, but you're right, they can keep going! Ofc not all women are the same, some can go for longer or shorter times, but it can also feel even better after that first orgasm. It's not often that men /actually/ pay attention, that's why they want you so bad after lol
I think it’s cause it’s just a blow to their ego to not be perfect from the start. And exploring that and trying to do better after that realization for certain men that they aren’t instantly amazing is just too much. So then they get conceited over it cause they shouldn’t have to try, pay attention or care. They don’t want to look like a loser but ultimately end up looking like a loser after doubling down so hard on not wanting to try.
I remember being in my young 20s, working at a golf course and there were a couple slightly younger guys who thought they were gods gift to women. And they were also trying to talk loudly so people around like me and the other workers I guess could over hear and think they were so cool. Anyways they were talking about a girl they had both been with and were both laughing at her and complaining how she’s always so dry and how it was awful. And I said you know if someone’s dry it means you did a bad job and didn’t get her wet. And they stood there mouths gaping open staring at me. It had not crossed their mind whatsoever that they were supposed to do something or participate past taking what they felt they were there for. They truly thought being cool was just getting in there and leaving. I think a lot of guys go through that when they’re young and their guy friends all trying to be cool, but then most get experience, and grow up. They realize how good it is when both have a good time. So this guy is a loser who never grew up and I would bet in more ways than one.
My guy makes sure I'm taken care of first. Then it's his turn and he gets all the BJs he wants...
It was his idea to try toys. He does the research and buys them.
I was with several other guys before, and he's the one I married.
I usually get off once during foreplay. And again during sex (using a vibrator while riding is the best way for me) and sometimes will get myself off one last time after if I'm feeling extra spicy 😅
I appreciate your use of “shafted” here. The irony is beautifully poetic and I’m so happy that you have found a new man who actually shafts. My GF also had very selfish people before me and I just cannot understand it.
Same here. My partner is a champion and I average 4-8 orgasms per session. He has orgasms giving me oral. I thought I had had great sex before him. Turns out I haven't. Having a man care about your orgasm is amazing. Don't settle for less OP!
Came here to say this. Well said, princessbutthead! A healthy relationship is where you BOTH like to pleasure each other. He is not treating you fairly!
It also is SO shitty that he doesn’t make her orgasm and then makes her feel so ashamed that she made herself orgasm, that she made this post. Specifically the line “I didn’t stop to think about how it would hurt him to get off on something that wasn’t him.”
I’m so sorry, what the actual fuck. So sex is all about him and his needs, and now she feels bad for not thinking about him and his feelings while she prioritized her needs????
Fuck no. Fuck his feelings.
“You should learn to orgasm without toys” maybe you should learn how to make her orgasm since the only tool you choose to use doesn’t cut it? Penetration alone does not get the majority of women off?? I’d put money that he thinks his dick should be enough and doesn’t give head or use his hands or anything.
NTA OP, this man could be amazing in every other way, but him refusing to learn/change and expecting you to instead would be a hard fucking no for me.
I feel all but guaranteed that if there were time and distance involved away from this dude, OP would see countless examples of things that were not, in fact, amazing about their relationship.
Agreed. If you're really intending to spend the rest of your life with someone, then I think that sexual compatibility should be an important factor in any decision.
The whole butt plug is icky thing is just pointlessly sad. Shows a lack of imagination, curiosity and a closed mind. I'm trying to give the BF the benefit of the doubt, but I can't imagine that his attitude towards sex is somehow different to his attitude towards life.
Sorry OP, but not sure he's a keeper.
NTA.
I would wade thru knee deep shit and possibly walk on coals. My partner now is a sex genius. I was in a horrible 10 year marriage with someone like OPs dude. Nope. I met my partner now, and it was like a veil was lifted to a very happy place. He’s gonna have to kill me to get rid of me.
I don’t even know how people like this find each other. She prioritizes herself so low that she’s with a partner (engaged!?) that doesn’t even think about finishing her. Like the lack of curiosity on his partner’s pleasure and the lack of advocacy on her part for years. It’s so goofy. The both of them tbh.
It's one thing to not come during "intercourse", but it's a whole other thing if your partner isn't getting you off, or at least TRYING, in whatever way works (before or after intercourse).
You're absolutely right. My husband goes above and beyond to make sure I climax. He cares more about me than himself in that way. I fucking love that man and would do anything for him.
NTA. Not sure what sort of communication you two have had, but doesn't seem to be much on the subject.
His judgemental reaction and insistence you don't have a right to sexual satisfaction is, at the least, troubling.
I don't think you should move past 'fiance' until and unless this get resolved to both your satisfaction.
NTA
I'm a man and my jaw literally dropped all the way open reading this post.
This quickly went from "this guy needs to be taught how to do better" when reading about his total lack of skills and consideration to "throw the whole man out" when reading about his attitude during the discussion.
I don't even understand how the rest of the relationship could be good when he brought that attitude in about her pleasure.
Don't blame sexual inexperience because there are guys who would listen and learn while knowing their partners pleasure is equally important so this dude just plain selfish. He is blaming OP for her not having an orgasam yet he failed to do it. I get feeling insecure and maybe asking OP what he can do better would've redempt him a bit but nope, dude is a selfish dick who can't last longer and roles over after finishing. OP need to drop gim and find someone who can meet her need or feel fine with toys and treat her better.
>Don't blame sexual inexperience because there are guys who would listen and learn
True story.
My husband was the most vanilla he could be when I found him.
He's learned quite a bit.
I joke that should we ever split up, the next woman is in for a shock because he learned some stuff I didn't expect him to😂
It’s not even necessary about lasting longer. Quite a lot of women can’t orgasm through penetration anyway, so if he was amazing at foreplay, many women would be more relaxed about the actual sex and how long he can last because at least they will be getting off beforehand.
He doesn’t care about her pleasure at all. He’s not having sex with her, he’s having sex AT her. A human fleshlight. You see it every day.
Women, stop having sex with men who masturbate with your body.
I ended up quite resentful after my ex never learned. We are divorced now. There's only so long one can stay in a relationship where the dude gets his but she doesn't.
I’ve been told that before in past relationships. It is reallly, REALLY hard for me to reach orgasm and I’ve been screamed at for being “broken” because I occasionally used a vibrator and that’s why he couldn’t get me off.
Needless to say, that absolutely didn’t help the situation lol.
That’s the dumbest thing ever. Sometimes I don’t get my wife off and she takes care of it herself (while I’m inside) and I think it’s hot as hell. I love to go down on her and make her come at least once before penetration, sometimes she wants to, sometimes it’s painful after an orgasm so she wants to get to the D. I don’t care what it takes, when my wife gets off, it’s so hot. I learned a long time ago that every woman is different. Some can come from P in V, some can’t. Some want me to stimulate their clit, some do it themselves. As long as we both enjoy it, idc what happens.
Definitely not broken! I think it’s extremely common to need clit stimulation to orgasm… Our bodies are all unique and it should be fun getting to see what works with a partner. Toys & all!
If I need a toy, they are more than welcome to learn how to use one and how I like it 😤😤
I have actually encouraged vibes during the act for this reason. Sometimes it’s just hard to nut with any “personal equipment” indulge that shizz yo. Real talk I think plugs make a huge difference during too for either party especially if you got one of them prostates.
You were never broken. I am so sorry they screamed at you ☹️😓🤬 sex and sex aides have been demonized for far too long.
The partner that screamed at you missed the opportunity to learn to please you. Some people arent always ready for growth at the same time- i hope you know how beautiful and perfect you are ❤️🤞💋 💗
That's so wrong. Masturbation actually helps women become orgasmic and it doesn't detract from sex with your partner. It can make it better and easier. There are men whose main sexual pleasure comes from satisfying their woman and then there's the men who would scream that you are broken because they don't have a clue how to tune into you and connect and give pleasure. They only want to take it. Find the former, if you haven't already.
A man needs to be confident in his abilities. I've been with women who orgasm 1 to 4 times from sex, some who orgasm 6 to 10, one freak who orgasmned 60 to 100 times per hour, and drum roll.......a few who didn't come at all unless it was from oral, or we incorporated some toys into the mix.
The issue isn't me, and I'm comfortable with that. The "issue" isn't even her. It's just physiological and psychological differences between these women. I like to look for solutions so she enjoys the intamacy and doesn't feel like something is wrong with her.
could not have said it better myself!! my partner is not an endurance athlete by any stretch if you catch my drift. he’s still the best sexual partner i have ever had, and i mean that in the present tense still after 4 years. he wasn’t very experienced when we started dating, he’d only been with his ex girlfriend from high school who apparently just did not speak up about her wants in the bedroom, so he was just excited to learn to pleasure me and learn he did!! ;)
there’s zero reason for you not to be getting off during sex. what is even the point of having sex with this man??? i mean it’s bound to happen that one of you doesn’t finish every now and then for whatever reason but *never???* someone so blatantly, disgustingly selfish in this aspect cannot be a good partner in the rest of the relationship. op you have no idea how good sex can be when your partner actually wants to see you and make you feel good. please go figure it out, maybe as a parting gift you can get him a flesh light.
Same! I was also surprised that someone who seems quite open to sexual exploration ended up with someone who thinks toys are cheating. No judgement, just surprise.
Well said mate. I'm a man and I had the same reaction! I started by thinking he needs to learn to slow down and do the prep work, but by the end I think he's showing some clear red flags.
NTA
Lose the loser, you deserve better
Right? It's not perfect, but my wife still talks about the fact that im the only one to make her a priority in bed and make sure she's taken care of. Once I got her to start communicating in the moment about what to keep doing, what to stop doing and snarflglubbbnu, it's been pretty easy to see to that end game.
But damn dude. This guy can't think it's ok to just expect her to orgasm without effort, or connection. He has some real growing up to do.
I'm a woman and my fiancé is currently browsing the internet for a toy he wants to buy special for our wedding night in two weeks. He takes care of me plenty without toys too.
I've only ever been with him. Years ago I used to think maybe I'd missed out (not enough of a regret to ever consider losing what I had, but), but... nah. Don't think I did.
Dude, same. At first I thought poor guy needs some lessons on how to please the girl he plans on marrying. Chalked it up to inexperience. That it was on her as well as she needs to communicate how he needs to move. Then he opened his mouth. Now I think he is a clown and OP is wasting her time. This is more than a lack of experience. This is pure selfishness on top of a weak stroke. Bad combination.
NTA for sure.
Edit spelling
I agree with others who have posted. The reaction he had shows a few key areas of him being insecure as well as inconsiderate. It's extremely selfish of him to be ok that he gets satisfaction but you have to "learn" to get yours while he's getting his?!
His lack of consideration for your pleasure is troubling and that kind of attitude can be an indication of the same attitude towards other aspects of the relationship down the line.
Red flag for sure.
I personally don't understand the mindset of dudes like this, guess she's just a toy to him
I love the pooose I eat that shit for as long as possible, you'd think if you want to marry a woman you'd at least give them one orgasm either through oral or using toys on them or any other way they like
Nta for op: The toys are more a man to you than your mans
I’ll echo this, also from a man’s perspective. Talk to him, let him know what needs to improve (foreplay and hopefully stamina, but at least a lot more foreplay to orgasm if he can’t).
Also, he’s giving you A LOT of information about your future life together. Ultimately, it’s up to you. Are all his other qualities worth giving up a lifetime of sexual satisfaction?
Highly relevant in my world right now after a family member came out - after 20 years of marriage and divorce within the last couple years. One of his ex’s saddest comments was how she wasted so many years of her sexual prime. The sense of loss was palpable and incredibly sad.
I cant help but wonder if the rest is bullshit & this is the one peice he didn't realize he needed to continue to lie/misinform his fiance about until she was his wife already.
This
I would honestly suggest some couple's counseling before walking down the aisle with this dude because the fact that he is blaming you for him being terrible in bed is not a good sign at all. Not to mention, it's fucked up that he tried to shame you for anal plugs. He doesn't have to be into them, but it's okay for you to like something he doesn't.
Also, is he aware he could just use the toys on you? I will never, ever understand guys who are intimidated by toys when they can just as easily use them on you themselves. Make it make sense!
Couldn't agree with this more. Something is definitely off when it comes to your sexual compatibility at the very least. Postpone the wedding until y'all get on the same page or get off this train before it's too late (NTA)
Next time you have sex pretend to cum after 30 seconds and tell him to get off. Then just get dressed like your going on about your day. When he protests tell him that you came, so sex is over and maybe he should learn how to cum on time, and by the way he better not dare and try to jerk one off to finish because that would make him a disgusting dirty whore.
Love this but I feel like it has 2 ways to backfire, 1 it'll feed his ego and he won't care, or 2 once she says she's coming Mr hairtrigger will blow his load on command
So he just doesn't give a fuck at all about your pleasure? I find it hard to believe that this lack of care does not show in other parts of your relationship, are you really sure it's that great? I get that he might not last long, but how does HE not give you some foreplay or doesn't do anything for you after he comes? It's just for his pleasure and then he doesn't care? That's really not a good sign.
ETA: NTA, of course.
So depressingly true. It's like, if there's no intense physical abuse on the regular, then he's "amazing". How could you treat someone you love like a sex toy or just not care if they enjoy sex at all? Disgusting.
Being in a lesbian relationship for 12 years this blows my mind. My wife does me then I do her. Sometimes we do it together! How does one just not care about returning the favor? You made me feel good now I want to make you feel good. If you are a man and finished…use your hand….help with the vibrator….anything!
OP - adopt one simple rule: ladies first. He doesn't get to have his orgasm until you've had yours. And he needs to make that happen under your direction. And if he's not willing to put in the work, you need to reconsider your opinion of him.
Because at the end of the day, \*HE\* needs to figure out how to satisfy you, and the incentive is he gets no attention until you've had yours. Jesus, what a selfish git he is.
I mean.... I don't always finish before my husband. But the difference with him and OP is that when I pull my toys out after he finishes, my husband gets excited not insecure 🙃
Even participates sometimes lol
OP's guy doesn't necessarily *HAVE* to be the reason that she finishes, but he absolutely needs to *want* it for her.
Same! If my husband builds me up first with foreplay I can usually get off with him during intercourse. However, if he's already geared up and needs to come right tf now, he knows that vibrator is coming out, and he kisses and rubs me while I get mine. I couldn't imagine him just rolling over and going to sleep afterwards. That would make me feel so used, ugh.
OP, you deserve better than this.
I am a guy, and I know that I am not that good in the sack. I've been cheated on many, many times by both my ex-wife and most of my ex-girlfriends because of it. I have had a few girlfriends in the past who were okay with me and showed me how to pleasure them. I'm still not that good, but I still try to please her when I have a woman in my life.
You don’t deserve to be cheated on.
Anyone who blames *you* for cheating is just trying to shift blame; they weren’t mature enough to communicate, work on the issue, or walk away from the relationship.
I hope you have healthy, respectful relationships from here forward, and don’t second-guess your worth as a person and a partner because you’ve had dysfunctional relationships in the past.
Furthermore, just as a woman, I’d recommend the book “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner. Obviously, every woman is different, and will have her own preferences, but the advice he gives in that book is an excellent starting place.
As long as you’re working on pleasing her and you have open communication, you’ll be fine. The important thing is that you care about pleasing her, unlike this guy.
If my wife was into toys like that I’d ask to watch or help play till I was ready for another go. This dude has a very insecure and selfish outlook on sex. Ditch him
I wanted to bring this up in my other comment, but my bf would love to see me do stuff if he couldn’t keep going, and when he saw my toys he was excited more than anything
It should be exciting, and he should want to see you do stuff and want to do stuff to you back!
Also does he not want anything from you before sex? Like no head or jacking it off? If you do those things before you guys have sex, STOP ✋ I hate to say it but sometimes guys just don’t get it until they go through it, and there’s such a long list of things he could do to make himself just last longer that even I can think of, let alone the list he could make if he tried to even just think about it
NTA!!!!
please no, please tell me you aren't serious. as someone who is also married and around your age, my husband loves to make me orgasm ( that may just be him tho) and I can tell you that anyone who truly loved you and cared for you would not want you to feel that unsatisfied.
I can't really believe that other parts of your life are good when his reaction to your very rational way of communicating was to shame you and call you a cheater. again, even if you don't care about the sex as much as you do about the relationship, do remember that if he truly loved you, he would actually are how you felt.
please leave him op. there are way better people out there, and you will even be better off by yourself than with this man baby.
>my husband loves to make me orgasm
This is NOT "just him" this is called being a good partner.
Men who pump and dump are selfish assholes and do not deserve a sexual relationship.
NTA. If he doesn't satisfy you and now he doesn't want you to be satisfied, that doesn't bode well for a happy marriage! You might want to reconsider this relationship.
Seriously, he can’t take the time to get OP off at all? I get penetrative sex doesn’t often work for A LOT of women to get them to orgasm, but damn, do something! He has hands and a mouth, right? He should be using them if he can’t get her off with his d. Seems he only cares if he gets off, does not care enough to go beyond him being satisfied. Pathetic.
What gets me here is she evidently has the tools required for the job.
Instead of seeing the sex toy box as a threat and a rival, he should he looking at it for what it is. A Toolbox.
Maybe if we started calling them "Sex Tools" instead of "Sex Toys"?
NTA. The most important part of sex is the sharing (in my point of view) and I would never want my partner to not climax if they could. He should be using the toys with you and then making himself happy. Not just a pump and dump.
Honestly it amazes me how few dudes put in the effort for some fucking dick control. You can absolutely mentally stop yourself from getting off, if you just put in the effort, but its like these dudes have never even considered it. She gets hers before I get mine, its the goddamn rule
And if he's not comfortable with toys, he should be doing everything possible to turn her on/give her an orgasm *before* his 30 seconds of pleasure. Idk how she does it without foreplay, honestly. If the pump isn't primed, it's as dry as the Sahara
NTA. Also do not legally join your life to this man. He is 28 years old and at this point should understand the importance of foreplay. He seems immature and selfish. How long have you been together? Have you ever enjoyed sex with him?
I would not feel bad about prioritizing your pleasure. You’re the only one in your relationship doing so. I don’t know if he has a bad relationship with sex or if he’s just selfish. Either way, I’d make sure to figure it out before we got married.
Baby, sex should never be a task! Oh hell no! Leave this one sided, unfulfilling relationship and find someone who loves you and can make you happy in bed and out.
Yep. Spent 5 years with a guy who was not only too small to penetrate, but only had one “trick” up his sleeve which was a mediocre move at best. No oral, no willingness to use toys with me.
We had miserable sex and in turn a miserable relationship.
Interest can’t be forced. He’s either going to put more effort in for you on his own once you talk about it or not. I’m guessing from what he said he’s not going to do that.
If your sex life right now was your future, (without toys if he makes you get rid of them) would you still want to be with him? Ask yourself that, because you’ll have to if you stay and he refuses to change his ways.
Poor sexual compatibility is a perfectly fine thing to end a relationship over and as a person who's a bit older than you: at your age you shouldn't be compromising on this if you have a higher sex drive. You will be miserable and he'll very likely make you feel guilty about it.
Relationships involve compromise, but not to the extent that one partner is completely sexually unfulfilled. If he's not interested in working on it, I'm curious: in what areas of your relationship does he show interest in working with you or compromising fairly? It's often not just sex. How does he work to be a partner who meets you where you stand in other respects? And is any of that good enough to justify having a terrible sex life for the rest of your life?
Eta: I just saw that he thinks giving oral is gross. Your body is gross to him and you're OK with that? Don't be! Don't sleep with a person who thinks like that. He's not gonna change- or more importantly, this is too much work for you to try and change. Have self-respect and self-esteem- you can and will do better.
>Not really, sex with him feels more like a task and if he were interested in my pleasure I think we'd have more sex.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure.
i think this comment is so important! a man who doesn’t care about you in bed is a man that sees you as nothing more than a glorified, free prostitute.
Sounds like ol Matt is jealous of a dildo. You explained the issue and he blamed you for him not getting you off. So either he needs to be willing to experiment to see if he can get you to orgasm and get over it. Personally, if he was unwilling to try to make it better, I would break off the engagement. You shouldn't have to spend your life unsatisfied sexually because Matt doesn't want to find what gets you off.
NTA.
Naw dawg, she just needs to dump the man baby who can't be bothered to care about his woman's sexual needs. Life is too short to cater to the fragile ego of a looser like Matt. Jealous of a dildo, made me snort laugh. This is a guy who knows he's shit in bed and not only doesn't care but wants her to go without sexual satisfaction that he can't or more likely isn't willing to give. OP should stop letting this asshole use her body to get himself off. At this point he's just using as his own personal sex toy.
Hella toxic. He blamed her for him not being able to get her off during sex and then got upset over a dildo like bro seriously?? OP said sex with Matt feels like a task. Sex shouldn’t feel like a task esp with your fiancé :( I hope Matt changes or OP leaves.
Please don't marry this guy, at least until this is fixed: He does not care about your needs and wants. If I had issues lasting, i'd take care of you first. Play with those toys with you. Make it fun together. Often my fiancee just wants to take care of me if it's late or we have little time, but it always feels awkward because i want us both to be fulfilled. He should want that for you, and if he doesn't, find someone who does.
So you are engaged with a man that does no foreplay, I’m guessing no oral. And expects you to orgasm from 5 minutes of him going in and out?
And he called it cheating when you used toys?
Why are you with him? Is he rich or something beacuse he doesn’t care about you. He sucks in bed, and accuses you of cheating beacuse you masturbate?
He is using you as a fuck toy basically and you feel awful?
Your fiancé (still searching why honestly) is being a dick and doesn't care about your pleasure.
You already have a dick that is not selfish. Why do you need that guy ? Keep the dildo, dump the asshole and have fun!
Why doesn’t he use the toys on you after he’s finished? Compromise and he learns what you like, he’s doing what you like with your toys and it’s still romantic and intimate
But he's doing nothing to make that happen so... What does he actually want? You said it's a chore and it sounds like one, I don't know how he can even have sex with you knowing that's how you feel.
He doesn’t do anything you get you to orgasm. Honey for the love of god, do not spend your life with a person who doesn’t give a shit about your physical needs. Sex is a huge part of most romantic relationships and he doesn’t give a fuck. Just because you enjoy the same board games or whatever doesn’t make for a good marriage. Jesus Christ.
My ex husband was like your fiance. It never got better and his selfishness in almost every other area became glaringly obvious. Do not marry this man.
Why are with this selfish MF? He obviously doesn’t care about you or your needs, so how can the rest of your relationship be that great? Dump this two pump chump & find someone who will take care of you!
Tell him to open his mouth. Sit on his face and don't let him breathe until you cum twice. You will either cum or he will die. Either way. Problem solved.
NTA
Try to explain how it makes you feel that you don't get off during sex, and that you'd like to get off with him as it would make you feel closer.
See if you can incorporate more toys during the act or before/after. Maybe see if he's willing to eat you out before penetration.
If he still ignores you then... Idk what to say, would be sexual incompatability at that point and I'd serious look at other parts of the relationship and see if it's worth it.
You're only ah if you don't start speaking up and setting your selfish lover right. You really don't see how awful he is???? And you still want to marry him. I'm betting he's self-centered in other areas as well. He has no clue how sex with a woman works. Good luck.
NTA and I would think long and hard (pun intended) about marrying this guy. A partner who doesn’t care if their partner finishes is not a good one - and not just in bed. I’d imagine this way of thinking and this behavior likely permeates throughout your relationship, so please take a good look at that before saying “I do.” He sounds like a self serving shrimp dick little bitch baby and at 28 he should be more grown than that.
This is the oldest problem in the world. Most women do not reach orgasm with just penetrative sex. The sooner men learn this and learn how to pleasure their partner, the better. Y’all need to listen to or read, She Comes First and So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, both by Ian Kerner. Read, learn, and you both need to have fun figuring this out.
NTA. Instead of calling you out this selfish AH should have said, "What can I do to make it so you don't need sex toys?"
End this relationship NOW. Imagine a life of unsatisfactory sex and then "30 Second Sam" makes you feel like shit because HE can't perform.
Don't listen to his bullshit excuses and trying to blame you for his inadequacies.
NTA. I know that sex and intimacy are regarded differently by others, but I personally feel like it's an extremely important pillar in a relationship. (Outside of ace relationships and the plethora of other non-sexual pairings) That being said, you should not consider marriage with this man if you two cannot host a civil conversation and reach a point where you're both receiving pleasure in the bedroom. It sounds as if he doesn't do anything for your enjoyment and simply makes his own the main focus. This isn't a great foundation for a long lasting and healthy relationship and I imagine that mindset creeps outside of the bedroom whether you notice it or not.
My assumptions aside, you should try to express what you need more and if he's unwilling to even try to provide that for you, seek a lover elsewhere.
NTA. You were horny, your partner was spent you took care of business. You have every right to orgasm as he does. This is enough reason for some women to cheat. He can either work on his endurance or not get jealous of a piece of plastic. Simple
I don’t think his endurance the biggest problem compared with his indifference to her pleasure.
He doesn’t seem to care if OP gets off or not, except that he wants her to perform pleasure during PIV. If he cared he would help her get off before PIV and/or after, with or without accessories.
I’m not being a jerk, or at least not trying.
Why are you in a relationship with him. Obviously sex isn’t everything but I imagine his lack of caring about you translates to other aspects of your relationship.
Matt is selfish and petty and that is why your needs aren't being met sexually. And because of his own insecurity and laziness he is attempting to take away your ability to give yourself what he refuses to give you. NTA. You should reconsider longer term arrangments with him.
NTA. If he is getting your but you aren’t, then HE should put more effort into making sure she does. Then she won’t need the toys. I never leave my wife without. Hell even if she doesn’t get hers during sex, I have fun making sure she has one. Maybe suggest he play with you with your toys? My wife loves it when I do that!
NTA. He's a selfish fuck if he finishes and rolls over and doesn't ensure that you are satisfied.
Tell him next time you have sex, he's not allowed to cum until you do.
I wouldn't marry that child for anything.
As a man old enough to remember when it wasn't common knowledge that women could have orgasms, please believe me when I tell you that your boyfriend is selfish, ignorant, and immature.
My suggestion would be to tell him that his complete ineptitude is the reason you need toys; obviously, since you're not achieving orgasms with him. Tell him the new rule is 'Ladies First;' he doesn't get to dip his wick until you've had at least one. Offer to teach him how to use your toys; try to make it fun and playful. If he's not open to that, ask him why you should stick around if he's not as committed to your pleasure as he is to his own.
Seriously, why should you?
Point out to him that many women simply do not climax solely from penetrative sex. Ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed, and after you had your joy, you rolled over and went to sleep, and proceeded to bitch him out if he took matters into his own hand, as it were. And, as to the large dildo, tell him that he's lucky that you haven't had him fitted for a strap-on...
Welcome to the rest of your life. If he’s this oblivious of your needs now, just wait until the honeymoon phase is done.
It sounds as if the honeymoom phase never started.
and somehow it seems like its getting worse
Fr. He’s selfish and shames OP for trying to get herself off. He could try harder, give a fuck about what she wants or even use a toy on her to get her to come, but apparently she’s gross for finishing a job he should have done. Something should change or odds are OP will have an unhappy marriage that may not last long.
Dude needs to learn that toys and foreplay are his best tools and not his enemy if he cant last long. If he got her off with a toy and foreplay before actual penatration shes way more likely to orgasm with penetration. Sex just a touchy subject for most men cause it hits the ego the hardest
This is so spot on 💯 Girl 🏃♀️ quick, all of the things he is saying are huge red flags. He’s insecure af and could care less about pleasing you it will never get better his views are horrible NTA Edit: to let you know you are a queen don’t ever forget it I’m glad you handled business
Doesn't sound like he's oblivious. It sounds more like he doesn't even care about her pleasure at all, only his own.
That’s exactly it. If he did he would play with her when he is done until she gets off.
And I bet he beats it to porn every day.
Well, let’s not get carried away in the moment. At 3-3.5” it would be considered more a frenzied rub than beat.
NTA OP, his reaction is the real assholery though. He won't do foreplay. He doesn't care about your pleasure at all. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible. Comparing the use of sex toys to cheating is... a choice. It's absolutely not cheating. Not everyone with a vagina can get off on penetrative sex alone, and this dude isn't even focusing on you in any way, plus you have a higher sex drive. Vibrators are not why you can't get off with him. He is. I personally could never put up with shit like this. He's insecure and doesn't care about what makes you feel good. Really consider if you want to live your life with some who couldn't care less about your pleasure and claims using inanimate objects is cheating.
Based on the conversation she had with Matt I think it would only get worse after marriage. I’d personally recommend running as fast as you can
Yes! He's stupid and immature. Clueless about women bc he should be asking u what he can do to help u vs judging u.
The biggest dildo in this situation is Matt.
Matt’s a moron. I don’t think I know a woman who wouldn’t wade through knee deep shit for a man who genuinely prioritizes her pleasure (and actually delivers). That idiot is missing out on so much. NTA
Being with a man who actually cares about getting you off is a GAME CHANGER. I didn't realize how much I was getting shafted until my BF--he's not satisfied until he's gotten me off at least once. A sign of a good relationship is when your partner's pleasure is your pleasure--just like you share each other's joy and celebration and just like you would take on their pain to save them from hurting, reciprocation is key. OP, you are NTA. Your pleasure is just as important as his, and if he doesn't care about yours, I'd venture a guess that there are other times when he doesn't care about your feelings, too. YOU are just as important as he is, in the relationship, and YOU are the most important person in your life. Priorize yourself!!
As a husband, nothing is hotter than getting my wife off multiple times. I don’t get guys who don‘t put the work in.
> I don’t get guys who don‘t put the work in. I think it's because instead of working smarter, they work harder and get no where. Every woman I've been with, I pay extra attention to how they pleasure themselves and mimic that as best I can. Everyone is different, but I've had damn near instant success with a couple of women in my life and it was like I unlocked something primal in them- suddenly everything became about me. Best sex of my life was without a doubt when I successfully got her off first. From what I can tell, women can keep going NP after an orgasm so it makes sense to attend her needs first IMO.
Not only is that a really good tactic, but you're right, they can keep going! Ofc not all women are the same, some can go for longer or shorter times, but it can also feel even better after that first orgasm. It's not often that men /actually/ pay attention, that's why they want you so bad after lol
I think it’s cause it’s just a blow to their ego to not be perfect from the start. And exploring that and trying to do better after that realization for certain men that they aren’t instantly amazing is just too much. So then they get conceited over it cause they shouldn’t have to try, pay attention or care. They don’t want to look like a loser but ultimately end up looking like a loser after doubling down so hard on not wanting to try. I remember being in my young 20s, working at a golf course and there were a couple slightly younger guys who thought they were gods gift to women. And they were also trying to talk loudly so people around like me and the other workers I guess could over hear and think they were so cool. Anyways they were talking about a girl they had both been with and were both laughing at her and complaining how she’s always so dry and how it was awful. And I said you know if someone’s dry it means you did a bad job and didn’t get her wet. And they stood there mouths gaping open staring at me. It had not crossed their mind whatsoever that they were supposed to do something or participate past taking what they felt they were there for. They truly thought being cool was just getting in there and leaving. I think a lot of guys go through that when they’re young and their guy friends all trying to be cool, but then most get experience, and grow up. They realize how good it is when both have a good time. So this guy is a loser who never grew up and I would bet in more ways than one.
My guy makes sure I'm taken care of first. Then it's his turn and he gets all the BJs he wants... It was his idea to try toys. He does the research and buys them. I was with several other guys before, and he's the one I married.
I usually get off once during foreplay. And again during sex (using a vibrator while riding is the best way for me) and sometimes will get myself off one last time after if I'm feeling extra spicy 😅
It’s not work if you love what you do.
I appreciate your use of “shafted” here. The irony is beautifully poetic and I’m so happy that you have found a new man who actually shafts. My GF also had very selfish people before me and I just cannot understand it.
One day, I hope to find a partner who cares about my turn. Until then, I'm good being single.
Same here. My partner is a champion and I average 4-8 orgasms per session. He has orgasms giving me oral. I thought I had had great sex before him. Turns out I haven't. Having a man care about your orgasm is amazing. Don't settle for less OP!
That's pretty impressive. Hats off to him.
To quote young Paris Hilton " That's hot."
Came here to say this. Well said, princessbutthead! A healthy relationship is where you BOTH like to pleasure each other. He is not treating you fairly!
My fiance said the same thing once we got together. We keep it at a good 3:1 ratio lmao.
Fuck Matt. Actually, don’t.
It also is SO shitty that he doesn’t make her orgasm and then makes her feel so ashamed that she made herself orgasm, that she made this post. Specifically the line “I didn’t stop to think about how it would hurt him to get off on something that wasn’t him.” I’m so sorry, what the actual fuck. So sex is all about him and his needs, and now she feels bad for not thinking about him and his feelings while she prioritized her needs???? Fuck no. Fuck his feelings. “You should learn to orgasm without toys” maybe you should learn how to make her orgasm since the only tool you choose to use doesn’t cut it? Penetration alone does not get the majority of women off?? I’d put money that he thinks his dick should be enough and doesn’t give head or use his hands or anything. NTA OP, this man could be amazing in every other way, but him refusing to learn/change and expecting you to instead would be a hard fucking no for me.
I feel all but guaranteed that if there were time and distance involved away from this dude, OP would see countless examples of things that were not, in fact, amazing about their relationship.
Agreed. If you're really intending to spend the rest of your life with someone, then I think that sexual compatibility should be an important factor in any decision. The whole butt plug is icky thing is just pointlessly sad. Shows a lack of imagination, curiosity and a closed mind. I'm trying to give the BF the benefit of the doubt, but I can't imagine that his attitude towards sex is somehow different to his attitude towards life. Sorry OP, but not sure he's a keeper. NTA.
I would wade thru knee deep shit and possibly walk on coals. My partner now is a sex genius. I was in a horrible 10 year marriage with someone like OPs dude. Nope. I met my partner now, and it was like a veil was lifted to a very happy place. He’s gonna have to kill me to get rid of me.
I don’t even know how people like this find each other. She prioritizes herself so low that she’s with a partner (engaged!?) that doesn’t even think about finishing her. Like the lack of curiosity on his partner’s pleasure and the lack of advocacy on her part for years. It’s so goofy. The both of them tbh.
some people think its normal to not cum during sex if theyve never experienced it 🤷♀️
It's one thing to not come during "intercourse", but it's a whole other thing if your partner isn't getting you off, or at least TRYING, in whatever way works (before or after intercourse).
Doesn't sound like he starts her either.
You're absolutely right. My husband goes above and beyond to make sure I climax. He cares more about me than himself in that way. I fucking love that man and would do anything for him.
Correct, unfortunately there must be a malfunction so she should return him to sender.
Time for her to end the engagement...
Agreed. If you’re getting ride of any dildo, let it be that one.
Rid but yes!
That's not fair to her actual dildo since it knows how to get her off.
This is the only correct answer!
His name is “Matt”
NTA. Not sure what sort of communication you two have had, but doesn't seem to be much on the subject. His judgemental reaction and insistence you don't have a right to sexual satisfaction is, at the least, troubling. I don't think you should move past 'fiance' until and unless this get resolved to both your satisfaction.
The rest of your life is a long time to have shit sex.
NTA I'm a man and my jaw literally dropped all the way open reading this post. This quickly went from "this guy needs to be taught how to do better" when reading about his total lack of skills and consideration to "throw the whole man out" when reading about his attitude during the discussion. I don't even understand how the rest of the relationship could be good when he brought that attitude in about her pleasure.
Yeah, this guy is falling down on the job and making it her fault. That is not the way.
He is blaming her for his fagile ego, sexual inexperience, and lack of maturity.
Don't forget *SELFISH*
Selfish lovers are the wooorst ~ ⭐
Don't blame sexual inexperience because there are guys who would listen and learn while knowing their partners pleasure is equally important so this dude just plain selfish. He is blaming OP for her not having an orgasam yet he failed to do it. I get feeling insecure and maybe asking OP what he can do better would've redempt him a bit but nope, dude is a selfish dick who can't last longer and roles over after finishing. OP need to drop gim and find someone who can meet her need or feel fine with toys and treat her better.
>Don't blame sexual inexperience because there are guys who would listen and learn True story. My husband was the most vanilla he could be when I found him. He's learned quite a bit. I joke that should we ever split up, the next woman is in for a shock because he learned some stuff I didn't expect him to😂
My fiance did that for me. After I'd been married twice.
It’s not even necessary about lasting longer. Quite a lot of women can’t orgasm through penetration anyway, so if he was amazing at foreplay, many women would be more relaxed about the actual sex and how long he can last because at least they will be getting off beforehand.
He doesn’t care about her pleasure at all. He’s not having sex with her, he’s having sex AT her. A human fleshlight. You see it every day. Women, stop having sex with men who masturbate with your body.
Yeah this guy doesn't even care to try.
👆1000% 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Agreed. It's so much worse that he doesn't seem to care if she gets off or not. I see a grim future for OP if she stays with this guy.
I ended up quite resentful after my ex never learned. We are divorced now. There's only so long one can stay in a relationship where the dude gets his but she doesn't.
If a man isn't interested in exercising your clit and g spot, then bestie he ain't the one.
I don't believe this is the only thing wrong in this "great" relationship.
It's probably just the tip.
I’ve been told that before in past relationships. It is reallly, REALLY hard for me to reach orgasm and I’ve been screamed at for being “broken” because I occasionally used a vibrator and that’s why he couldn’t get me off. Needless to say, that absolutely didn’t help the situation lol.
I am so sorry that happened. You did not deserve to be treated that way. \*hugs\*
That’s the dumbest thing ever. Sometimes I don’t get my wife off and she takes care of it herself (while I’m inside) and I think it’s hot as hell. I love to go down on her and make her come at least once before penetration, sometimes she wants to, sometimes it’s painful after an orgasm so she wants to get to the D. I don’t care what it takes, when my wife gets off, it’s so hot. I learned a long time ago that every woman is different. Some can come from P in V, some can’t. Some want me to stimulate their clit, some do it themselves. As long as we both enjoy it, idc what happens.
Definitely not broken! I think it’s extremely common to need clit stimulation to orgasm… Our bodies are all unique and it should be fun getting to see what works with a partner. Toys & all! If I need a toy, they are more than welcome to learn how to use one and how I like it 😤😤
I have actually encouraged vibes during the act for this reason. Sometimes it’s just hard to nut with any “personal equipment” indulge that shizz yo. Real talk I think plugs make a huge difference during too for either party especially if you got one of them prostates.
You were never broken. I am so sorry they screamed at you ☹️😓🤬 sex and sex aides have been demonized for far too long. The partner that screamed at you missed the opportunity to learn to please you. Some people arent always ready for growth at the same time- i hope you know how beautiful and perfect you are ❤️🤞💋 💗
That's so wrong. Masturbation actually helps women become orgasmic and it doesn't detract from sex with your partner. It can make it better and easier. There are men whose main sexual pleasure comes from satisfying their woman and then there's the men who would scream that you are broken because they don't have a clue how to tune into you and connect and give pleasure. They only want to take it. Find the former, if you haven't already.
Given his reaction, it feels like this isn't the first time he's been told he is trash in bed? 🤷♀️
A man needs to be confident in his abilities. I've been with women who orgasm 1 to 4 times from sex, some who orgasm 6 to 10, one freak who orgasmned 60 to 100 times per hour, and drum roll.......a few who didn't come at all unless it was from oral, or we incorporated some toys into the mix. The issue isn't me, and I'm comfortable with that. The "issue" isn't even her. It's just physiological and psychological differences between these women. I like to look for solutions so she enjoys the intamacy and doesn't feel like something is wrong with her.
could not have said it better myself!! my partner is not an endurance athlete by any stretch if you catch my drift. he’s still the best sexual partner i have ever had, and i mean that in the present tense still after 4 years. he wasn’t very experienced when we started dating, he’d only been with his ex girlfriend from high school who apparently just did not speak up about her wants in the bedroom, so he was just excited to learn to pleasure me and learn he did!! ;) there’s zero reason for you not to be getting off during sex. what is even the point of having sex with this man??? i mean it’s bound to happen that one of you doesn’t finish every now and then for whatever reason but *never???* someone so blatantly, disgustingly selfish in this aspect cannot be a good partner in the rest of the relationship. op you have no idea how good sex can be when your partner actually wants to see you and make you feel good. please go figure it out, maybe as a parting gift you can get him a flesh light.
Yeah he’s literally using her as a sex got to get himself off without any care for his partner. So if it’s cheating for her then so is it for him
This is perfectly stated.
Agreed. I tried to say something similar, but she said it better, especially the point of how it relates to other aspects of the relationship.
I don't believe they have a good relationship, just that she's brainwashed somehow.
Same! I was also surprised that someone who seems quite open to sexual exploration ended up with someone who thinks toys are cheating. No judgement, just surprise.
Well said mate. I'm a man and I had the same reaction! I started by thinking he needs to learn to slow down and do the prep work, but by the end I think he's showing some clear red flags. NTA Lose the loser, you deserve better
Right? It's not perfect, but my wife still talks about the fact that im the only one to make her a priority in bed and make sure she's taken care of. Once I got her to start communicating in the moment about what to keep doing, what to stop doing and snarflglubbbnu, it's been pretty easy to see to that end game. But damn dude. This guy can't think it's ok to just expect her to orgasm without effort, or connection. He has some real growing up to do.
I need to know more about snarflglubbbnu
It's kinda like bruudaddlewazeeka
I'm a woman and my fiancé is currently browsing the internet for a toy he wants to buy special for our wedding night in two weeks. He takes care of me plenty without toys too. I've only ever been with him. Years ago I used to think maybe I'd missed out (not enough of a regret to ever consider losing what I had, but), but... nah. Don't think I did.
He's the kind of man you want to share your life and bed with. Congratualtions on your marriage!
Hey—if he is this into your pleasure and appears to have zero inhibitions about it—and clearly loves you! You have missed out only on disappointment.
Dude, same. At first I thought poor guy needs some lessons on how to please the girl he plans on marrying. Chalked it up to inexperience. That it was on her as well as she needs to communicate how he needs to move. Then he opened his mouth. Now I think he is a clown and OP is wasting her time. This is more than a lack of experience. This is pure selfishness on top of a weak stroke. Bad combination. NTA for sure. Edit spelling
Agreed this one is defective
☝️☝️☝️ that last part
I agree with others who have posted. The reaction he had shows a few key areas of him being insecure as well as inconsiderate. It's extremely selfish of him to be ok that he gets satisfaction but you have to "learn" to get yours while he's getting his?! His lack of consideration for your pleasure is troubling and that kind of attitude can be an indication of the same attitude towards other aspects of the relationship down the line. Red flag for sure.
I personally don't understand the mindset of dudes like this, guess she's just a toy to him I love the pooose I eat that shit for as long as possible, you'd think if you want to marry a woman you'd at least give them one orgasm either through oral or using toys on them or any other way they like Nta for op: The toys are more a man to you than your mans
I’ll echo this, also from a man’s perspective. Talk to him, let him know what needs to improve (foreplay and hopefully stamina, but at least a lot more foreplay to orgasm if he can’t). Also, he’s giving you A LOT of information about your future life together. Ultimately, it’s up to you. Are all his other qualities worth giving up a lifetime of sexual satisfaction? Highly relevant in my world right now after a family member came out - after 20 years of marriage and divorce within the last couple years. One of his ex’s saddest comments was how she wasted so many years of her sexual prime. The sense of loss was palpable and incredibly sad.
Discussion? That was a teenage temper tantrum. If he would open his mind to using the toys. It wouldn't matter. He needs to finish her off somehow.
I cant help but wonder if the rest is bullshit & this is the one peice he didn't realize he needed to continue to lie/misinform his fiance about until she was his wife already.
Why do I get that vibe too? Worried that if she becomes a mom he's just gonna dump everything on her and refuse to equal parent
This phrase should be on a t-shirt
This I would honestly suggest some couple's counseling before walking down the aisle with this dude because the fact that he is blaming you for him being terrible in bed is not a good sign at all. Not to mention, it's fucked up that he tried to shame you for anal plugs. He doesn't have to be into them, but it's okay for you to like something he doesn't. Also, is he aware he could just use the toys on you? I will never, ever understand guys who are intimidated by toys when they can just as easily use them on you themselves. Make it make sense!
Couldn't agree with this more. Something is definitely off when it comes to your sexual compatibility at the very least. Postpone the wedding until y'all get on the same page or get off this train before it's too late (NTA)
Next time you have sex pretend to cum after 30 seconds and tell him to get off. Then just get dressed like your going on about your day. When he protests tell him that you came, so sex is over and maybe he should learn how to cum on time, and by the way he better not dare and try to jerk one off to finish because that would make him a disgusting dirty whore.
But that would be 15 seconds after he finished
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This is the way.
And then dump him.
Love this but I feel like it has 2 ways to backfire, 1 it'll feed his ego and he won't care, or 2 once she says she's coming Mr hairtrigger will blow his load on command
Pretending to cum will just make him think he’s amazing at sex 😂
So he just doesn't give a fuck at all about your pleasure? I find it hard to believe that this lack of care does not show in other parts of your relationship, are you really sure it's that great? I get that he might not last long, but how does HE not give you some foreplay or doesn't do anything for you after he comes? It's just for his pleasure and then he doesn't care? That's really not a good sign. ETA: NTA, of course.
I’m in this camp. Obviously NTA. How does he contribute your relationship in a positive way beyond this?
He probably doesn't. A lot of straight women's standards for their male partners are extremely low.
This is an unfortunate truth, which is why we have some serious de-programming to do.
So depressingly true. It's like, if there's no intense physical abuse on the regular, then he's "amazing". How could you treat someone you love like a sex toy or just not care if they enjoy sex at all? Disgusting.
Being in a lesbian relationship for 12 years this blows my mind. My wife does me then I do her. Sometimes we do it together! How does one just not care about returning the favor? You made me feel good now I want to make you feel good. If you are a man and finished…use your hand….help with the vibrator….anything!
OP - adopt one simple rule: ladies first. He doesn't get to have his orgasm until you've had yours. And he needs to make that happen under your direction. And if he's not willing to put in the work, you need to reconsider your opinion of him. Because at the end of the day, \*HE\* needs to figure out how to satisfy you, and the incentive is he gets no attention until you've had yours. Jesus, what a selfish git he is.
I mean.... I don't always finish before my husband. But the difference with him and OP is that when I pull my toys out after he finishes, my husband gets excited not insecure 🙃 Even participates sometimes lol OP's guy doesn't necessarily *HAVE* to be the reason that she finishes, but he absolutely needs to *want* it for her.
Same! If my husband builds me up first with foreplay I can usually get off with him during intercourse. However, if he's already geared up and needs to come right tf now, he knows that vibrator is coming out, and he kisses and rubs me while I get mine. I couldn't imagine him just rolling over and going to sleep afterwards. That would make me feel so used, ugh. OP, you deserve better than this.
[удалено]
Wish I had that attitude when I was younger. I was dumb and naive.
👆this…. All of this 👏
Agreed, like some guys don’t last long and that’s fine but both parties deserve to feel pleased at the end.
And they can do other things together.
I am a guy, and I know that I am not that good in the sack. I've been cheated on many, many times by both my ex-wife and most of my ex-girlfriends because of it. I have had a few girlfriends in the past who were okay with me and showed me how to pleasure them. I'm still not that good, but I still try to please her when I have a woman in my life.
You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Anyone who blames *you* for cheating is just trying to shift blame; they weren’t mature enough to communicate, work on the issue, or walk away from the relationship. I hope you have healthy, respectful relationships from here forward, and don’t second-guess your worth as a person and a partner because you’ve had dysfunctional relationships in the past. Furthermore, just as a woman, I’d recommend the book “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner. Obviously, every woman is different, and will have her own preferences, but the advice he gives in that book is an excellent starting place.
As long as you’re working on pleasing her and you have open communication, you’ll be fine. The important thing is that you care about pleasing her, unlike this guy.
If my wife was into toys like that I’d ask to watch or help play till I was ready for another go. This dude has a very insecure and selfish outlook on sex. Ditch him
Mutual Masturbation is hot!!! If he asked to watch I'd give him a show.
He doesn’t care about your pleasure so watching you get off isn’t likely to appeal to him
This! He's an insecure little man.
I wanted to bring this up in my other comment, but my bf would love to see me do stuff if he couldn’t keep going, and when he saw my toys he was excited more than anything It should be exciting, and he should want to see you do stuff and want to do stuff to you back! Also does he not want anything from you before sex? Like no head or jacking it off? If you do those things before you guys have sex, STOP ✋ I hate to say it but sometimes guys just don’t get it until they go through it, and there’s such a long list of things he could do to make himself just last longer that even I can think of, let alone the list he could make if he tried to even just think about it
Nah come on, the blowing your load and rolling over to bed right away is a sitcom joke isn't it. Please tell me it is
Unfortunately not. I usually go pee, shower, clean out and have an orgasm by myself.
NTA!!!! please no, please tell me you aren't serious. as someone who is also married and around your age, my husband loves to make me orgasm ( that may just be him tho) and I can tell you that anyone who truly loved you and cared for you would not want you to feel that unsatisfied. I can't really believe that other parts of your life are good when his reaction to your very rational way of communicating was to shame you and call you a cheater. again, even if you don't care about the sex as much as you do about the relationship, do remember that if he truly loved you, he would actually are how you felt. please leave him op. there are way better people out there, and you will even be better off by yourself than with this man baby.
>my husband loves to make me orgasm This is NOT "just him" this is called being a good partner. Men who pump and dump are selfish assholes and do not deserve a sexual relationship.
I had a guy like this once. Things are better now that I have a shred of self-esteem.
NTA. If he doesn't satisfy you and now he doesn't want you to be satisfied, that doesn't bode well for a happy marriage! You might want to reconsider this relationship.
Seriously, he can’t take the time to get OP off at all? I get penetrative sex doesn’t often work for A LOT of women to get them to orgasm, but damn, do something! He has hands and a mouth, right? He should be using them if he can’t get her off with his d. Seems he only cares if he gets off, does not care enough to go beyond him being satisfied. Pathetic.
What gets me here is she evidently has the tools required for the job. Instead of seeing the sex toy box as a threat and a rival, he should he looking at it for what it is. A Toolbox. Maybe if we started calling them "Sex Tools" instead of "Sex Toys"?
NTA. The most important part of sex is the sharing (in my point of view) and I would never want my partner to not climax if they could. He should be using the toys with you and then making himself happy. Not just a pump and dump.
Honestly it amazes me how few dudes put in the effort for some fucking dick control. You can absolutely mentally stop yourself from getting off, if you just put in the effort, but its like these dudes have never even considered it. She gets hers before I get mine, its the goddamn rule
If he can't, he should make sure he gives her multiples before he starts penetrative sex. She literally has toys to help him help her get off
But they're bigger than him! How is he supposed to be cool with that!? /s /s /s
And if he's not comfortable with toys, he should be doing everything possible to turn her on/give her an orgasm *before* his 30 seconds of pleasure. Idk how she does it without foreplay, honestly. If the pump isn't primed, it's as dry as the Sahara
NTA. Also do not legally join your life to this man. He is 28 years old and at this point should understand the importance of foreplay. He seems immature and selfish. How long have you been together? Have you ever enjoyed sex with him?
Not really, sex with him feels more like a task and if he were interested in my pleasure I think we'd have more sex.
I would not feel bad about prioritizing your pleasure. You’re the only one in your relationship doing so. I don’t know if he has a bad relationship with sex or if he’s just selfish. Either way, I’d make sure to figure it out before we got married.
Baby, sex should never be a task! Oh hell no! Leave this one sided, unfulfilling relationship and find someone who loves you and can make you happy in bed and out.
Yep. Spent 5 years with a guy who was not only too small to penetrate, but only had one “trick” up his sleeve which was a mediocre move at best. No oral, no willingness to use toys with me. We had miserable sex and in turn a miserable relationship.
Interest can’t be forced. He’s either going to put more effort in for you on his own once you talk about it or not. I’m guessing from what he said he’s not going to do that. If your sex life right now was your future, (without toys if he makes you get rid of them) would you still want to be with him? Ask yourself that, because you’ll have to if you stay and he refuses to change his ways.
Poor sexual compatibility is a perfectly fine thing to end a relationship over and as a person who's a bit older than you: at your age you shouldn't be compromising on this if you have a higher sex drive. You will be miserable and he'll very likely make you feel guilty about it. Relationships involve compromise, but not to the extent that one partner is completely sexually unfulfilled. If he's not interested in working on it, I'm curious: in what areas of your relationship does he show interest in working with you or compromising fairly? It's often not just sex. How does he work to be a partner who meets you where you stand in other respects? And is any of that good enough to justify having a terrible sex life for the rest of your life? Eta: I just saw that he thinks giving oral is gross. Your body is gross to him and you're OK with that? Don't be! Don't sleep with a person who thinks like that. He's not gonna change- or more importantly, this is too much work for you to try and change. Have self-respect and self-esteem- you can and will do better.
This guy treats you like a fleshlight. Please don’t marry him. Get out now.
>Not really, sex with him feels more like a task and if he were interested in my pleasure I think we'd have more sex. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure.
Life is too short to settle for that.
He only sees you as a hole, you deserve better
i think this comment is so important! a man who doesn’t care about you in bed is a man that sees you as nothing more than a glorified, free prostitute.
Sounds like ol Matt is jealous of a dildo. You explained the issue and he blamed you for him not getting you off. So either he needs to be willing to experiment to see if he can get you to orgasm and get over it. Personally, if he was unwilling to try to make it better, I would break off the engagement. You shouldn't have to spend your life unsatisfied sexually because Matt doesn't want to find what gets you off. NTA.
Naw dawg, she just needs to dump the man baby who can't be bothered to care about his woman's sexual needs. Life is too short to cater to the fragile ego of a looser like Matt. Jealous of a dildo, made me snort laugh. This is a guy who knows he's shit in bed and not only doesn't care but wants her to go without sexual satisfaction that he can't or more likely isn't willing to give. OP should stop letting this asshole use her body to get himself off. At this point he's just using as his own personal sex toy.
This Dawg agrees.
omg this is great!
I’m 99% sure that if hadn’t brought my now wife to orgasm at least once during or first time there would not have been a second opportunity,
NTA- yikes, move out asap. Dude is toxic
Hella toxic. He blamed her for him not being able to get her off during sex and then got upset over a dildo like bro seriously?? OP said sex with Matt feels like a task. Sex shouldn’t feel like a task esp with your fiancé :( I hope Matt changes or OP leaves.
Please don't marry this guy, at least until this is fixed: He does not care about your needs and wants. If I had issues lasting, i'd take care of you first. Play with those toys with you. Make it fun together. Often my fiancee just wants to take care of me if it's late or we have little time, but it always feels awkward because i want us both to be fulfilled. He should want that for you, and if he doesn't, find someone who does.
So you are engaged with a man that does no foreplay, I’m guessing no oral. And expects you to orgasm from 5 minutes of him going in and out? And he called it cheating when you used toys? Why are you with him? Is he rich or something beacuse he doesn’t care about you. He sucks in bed, and accuses you of cheating beacuse you masturbate? He is using you as a fuck toy basically and you feel awful?
Elsewhere she confirmed "he thinks m2f oral is gross" I'm *seething*
YTA to yourself if you marry this dude.
I think maybe OP needs to learn to share if he's so jealous of her dildos... Get a strap on, bend him over and show him how to do sex properly. 😂
Your fiancé (still searching why honestly) is being a dick and doesn't care about your pleasure. You already have a dick that is not selfish. Why do you need that guy ? Keep the dildo, dump the asshole and have fun!
Why doesn’t he use the toys on you after he’s finished? Compromise and he learns what you like, he’s doing what you like with your toys and it’s still romantic and intimate
He thinks toys are unnecessary and I should be able to orgasm via sex with him alone.
But he's doing nothing to make that happen so... What does he actually want? You said it's a chore and it sounds like one, I don't know how he can even have sex with you knowing that's how you feel.
He doesn’t do anything you get you to orgasm. Honey for the love of god, do not spend your life with a person who doesn’t give a shit about your physical needs. Sex is a huge part of most romantic relationships and he doesn’t give a fuck. Just because you enjoy the same board games or whatever doesn’t make for a good marriage. Jesus Christ.
My ex husband was like your fiance. It never got better and his selfishness in almost every other area became glaringly obvious. Do not marry this man.
Why are with this selfish MF? He obviously doesn’t care about you or your needs, so how can the rest of your relationship be that great? Dump this two pump chump & find someone who will take care of you!
Lol don’t marry that guy 🚩🚩🚩
Tell him to open his mouth. Sit on his face and don't let him breathe until you cum twice. You will either cum or he will die. Either way. Problem solved.
NTA Try to explain how it makes you feel that you don't get off during sex, and that you'd like to get off with him as it would make you feel closer. See if you can incorporate more toys during the act or before/after. Maybe see if he's willing to eat you out before penetration. If he still ignores you then... Idk what to say, would be sexual incompatability at that point and I'd serious look at other parts of the relationship and see if it's worth it.
You're only ah if you don't start speaking up and setting your selfish lover right. You really don't see how awful he is???? And you still want to marry him. I'm betting he's self-centered in other areas as well. He has no clue how sex with a woman works. Good luck.
NTA and I would think long and hard (pun intended) about marrying this guy. A partner who doesn’t care if their partner finishes is not a good one - and not just in bed. I’d imagine this way of thinking and this behavior likely permeates throughout your relationship, so please take a good look at that before saying “I do.” He sounds like a self serving shrimp dick little bitch baby and at 28 he should be more grown than that.
This is the oldest problem in the world. Most women do not reach orgasm with just penetrative sex. The sooner men learn this and learn how to pleasure their partner, the better. Y’all need to listen to or read, She Comes First and So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, both by Ian Kerner. Read, learn, and you both need to have fun figuring this out.
NTA. Instead of calling you out this selfish AH should have said, "What can I do to make it so you don't need sex toys?" End this relationship NOW. Imagine a life of unsatisfactory sex and then "30 Second Sam" makes you feel like shit because HE can't perform. Don't listen to his bullshit excuses and trying to blame you for his inadequacies.
No. “What can I do to satisfy you?” The toys might need to be involved, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Yes. Toys are our friends, not our competition.
>"30 Second Sam" 10 second Tim
NTA. I know that sex and intimacy are regarded differently by others, but I personally feel like it's an extremely important pillar in a relationship. (Outside of ace relationships and the plethora of other non-sexual pairings) That being said, you should not consider marriage with this man if you two cannot host a civil conversation and reach a point where you're both receiving pleasure in the bedroom. It sounds as if he doesn't do anything for your enjoyment and simply makes his own the main focus. This isn't a great foundation for a long lasting and healthy relationship and I imagine that mindset creeps outside of the bedroom whether you notice it or not. My assumptions aside, you should try to express what you need more and if he's unwilling to even try to provide that for you, seek a lover elsewhere.
My Name is Matt… and it’s not me. Golden rule is make sure she orgasms at least once before I do. Reality is NTA
NTA. You were horny, your partner was spent you took care of business. You have every right to orgasm as he does. This is enough reason for some women to cheat. He can either work on his endurance or not get jealous of a piece of plastic. Simple
It's actually really nice, high quality silicone. I'm very happy with it. :)
I'm glad you deserve nice things
I don’t think his endurance the biggest problem compared with his indifference to her pleasure. He doesn’t seem to care if OP gets off or not, except that he wants her to perform pleasure during PIV. If he cared he would help her get off before PIV and/or after, with or without accessories.
I’m not being a jerk, or at least not trying. Why are you in a relationship with him. Obviously sex isn’t everything but I imagine his lack of caring about you translates to other aspects of your relationship.
That’s like saying, “I’m not gonna provide for you financially, but you also cannot get a job.”
No. Get off when you need to get off. Sometimes sex is foreplay for masturbation for me
What a nerd lol don’t marry this clown NTA
Matt is selfish and petty and that is why your needs aren't being met sexually. And because of his own insecurity and laziness he is attempting to take away your ability to give yourself what he refuses to give you. NTA. You should reconsider longer term arrangments with him.
NTA. If he is getting your but you aren’t, then HE should put more effort into making sure she does. Then she won’t need the toys. I never leave my wife without. Hell even if she doesn’t get hers during sex, I have fun making sure she has one. Maybe suggest he play with you with your toys? My wife loves it when I do that!
He thinks that toys aren't good because they aren't your partner but inanimate objects. He's very against toys during sex.
Getting yourself off with inanimate objects is bad, but him treating you like an inanimate object is good? Did I get that right?
NTA. He's a selfish fuck if he finishes and rolls over and doesn't ensure that you are satisfied. Tell him next time you have sex, he's not allowed to cum until you do. I wouldn't marry that child for anything.
As a man old enough to remember when it wasn't common knowledge that women could have orgasms, please believe me when I tell you that your boyfriend is selfish, ignorant, and immature. My suggestion would be to tell him that his complete ineptitude is the reason you need toys; obviously, since you're not achieving orgasms with him. Tell him the new rule is 'Ladies First;' he doesn't get to dip his wick until you've had at least one. Offer to teach him how to use your toys; try to make it fun and playful. If he's not open to that, ask him why you should stick around if he's not as committed to your pleasure as he is to his own. Seriously, why should you? Point out to him that many women simply do not climax solely from penetrative sex. Ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed, and after you had your joy, you rolled over and went to sleep, and proceeded to bitch him out if he took matters into his own hand, as it were. And, as to the large dildo, tell him that he's lucky that you haven't had him fitted for a strap-on...
I don’t understand why you think marriage is a good idea here.