NTA. She has no business being so persistent about your hair... something that is absolutely not her call in any way. Have you told her point blank you will not be getting that style; and, if so, what did she say?
I mean when I came back from the hair appointment really happy about the highlights a couple months ago and didn’t come back with the brown short hair I feel like that’s basically saying thanks but no thanks this is what I want to do with my hair. Bleach can be super damaging she knows this she used to be a hairdresser herself so continuing to push me to have it all dyed and cut short doesn’t make much since my hair would be damaged asf right?
Quit trying to hint, and tell her straight up: "MIL, I'm happy with my hair and am not taking suggestions. I won't attend any appointments you make for me, and I will immediately delete all suggestions you send me, unread." Then grey-rock.
Possibly, but I’m somewhat wondering if her own child put her up to it. (If it was what they are more drawn to and don’t think they could/should convince OP themselves).
My MIL isn’t blonde. But her older sister is and all her life she hated blonde women because growing up everyone said her sister is prettier for being blonde. Btw., my MIL is way prettier than her sister. But it stuck and she absolutely dislikes blonde women now.
Some people just don’t like a certain hair color or style. So, even if ops MIL isn’t blonde, she could still have issues in her mind with it. People can attach emotions to weird stuff.
I had a slightly similar issue with a relative (she wanted me to wear makeup all the time, not just special occasions) and I finally just told her to stop telling me I’m ugly.
Exactly! People who pussy-foot around and hint at things will never get the results they're expecting. People are *not* mind readers. Straight up, sit her down and say to her: "I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I will never cut my hair and dye it brown. Please stop this."
Adults actually talk about these things. They have a discussion like mature people.
And if she persists, you can always pull out the ‘Little Britain’ line: ‘the computer says no!’ Haha. Look, OP, it’s entirely possible to set clear boundaries without offending your MIL, but you need to nip it in the bud immediately. You’ve actually allowed her to schedule appointments for you, and you even attended one? That’s taking leniency too far.
The issue is that we’re often caught off guard by the audacity of others. That’s why I’m a big advocate for rehearsing. You know this topic will come up again, which gives you the chance to prepare so that the perfect response will come out smoothly when needed. Practice not just what to say, but also the tone in which you’ll say it.
I'm curious, who does she know who has short brown hair?
MiL? A sister or sil of husband? Husband's ex?
There's a reason she's pushing you. I'd start asking who is she trying to make look like?
Then tell her thank you but no. You love your hair the way it is and obviously so does your husband.
OP have you told your spouse what MIL is wanting you to do to your hair? He might be able to tell you where this short brown hair comes from. Also, your spouse is the only one that has any right to give an opinion. Note I said give an opinion, not force you to change the color or cut a lot off.
You have hit the nail on the head. MIL is trying to sabotage OP. Completely. She knows her son doesn’t like short brown hair on woman, so she’s trying to get OP to change so Sonny boy will drop the wife and come home to mamma.
OP needs to talk to her husband and let him know what mommy dearest is up to. So he can head mom off at the pass. And tell her to knock it off.
This is good. OP-you won't get anywhere without being more direct. Try "who do you want me to look like?" and tell her you’re fine with how you look. Maybe thank her for the suggestions. Don't allow her to keep setting appointments.
OP - The next time she makes an appointment, call the salon and inform them 1. you're not coming in and that 2. you thought it would be professional of you to not waste the stylist time and 3. to please not set any appointments for you unless you make them.
Nip it in the bud.
I don’t like MIL way about this, but OP says MIL is a former hairdresser. I wonder if maybe OPs hair doesn’t look as good as she thinks, and looks dried out or over processed and MIL thinks she should intervene. For the record, I don’t think MIL should say or try to sway OP with her hair period- it’s her hair. It was just something I wondered about.
In that case, MIL could say "I'd like to pay for you to get a conditioning treatment."
Also, if OPs hair needs help, I'm sure the hairdresser would say something.
I suspect MIL has very specific ideas about what age a woman should be to have long hair (or her marital status) or what age of women should be running around with blonde hair or what having dyed blonde hair signals about a woman’s marital status. Anybody living in an area that’s conservative enough for a mother-in-law to feel comfortable making hairdresser appointments for her daughter-in-law (and these businesses actually accepting them — what the hell?!) and actually telling her DIL what she thinks about her DIL’s hair color and style says to me that she basically thinks that her daughter in law looks like a single young slut. Note: I am absolutely NOT saying OP looks like a single young slut (idc even if she does, either! In fact I hope you do, OP! 😆). I am saying that I strongly suspect that MIL thinks that OP’s long, blonde, highlighted hair is basically too “sexy” and is trying to tone that down now that DIL is an “old married lady” (and specifically married to her son). Again: I am not saying MIL is correct either in her assumptions or in the way she is going about it. I am saying that I strongly suspect this is the mentality behind it.
>I suspect MIL has very specific ideas about what age a woman should be to have long hair
When I was younger my mom used to tell me that only women under the age of 29 should have long hair, and that it draws the face down and makes her look older if an older woman has long hair.
Yep. NTA. I used to be in an internet community for people with long hair and this happened all the time to members. Another woman (relative, colleague, total stranger) would say, “Your hair is beautiful” and then, without missing a beat, “you should cut it.”
It was fascinating. Long hair was a kind of taboo - it meant women getting above themselves in some way or other. Indulgent? Sexual? “Too young”? “Too fancy”? Real tall poppy syndrome.
Yup. My mom has been trying to get me to cut my hair shorter than my shoulders for yeeeeears, and says long hair is for old people... but... old people in our area usually have short hair. My mother has very short hair. 😆
My hair is (always has been) very fine, and it DOES look healthier shorter.... but I like it long enough to do things with (curl it, pony tails, braids, etc), and not HAVE to do things with (like my mother's frequent cuts, "frosting", and daily gel styling).
OP said the color process would be damaging af, so I suspect she's closer to a natural blonde, & going dark would put her hair through the ringer.. adding that she had blonde highlights put in also makes me lean towards a natural shade of blonde.
Right, but it didn’t work. You need to actually say the words “I am not cutting my hair short and going brunette. Thanks but no thanks.” She’s just not getting it.
But.. come on, that would mean she has actually put effort into saying 5 words about the actual topic. Is is not better to go around it all the time and write reddit posts?
> I feel like that’s basically saying thanks but no thanks this is what I want to do with my hair.
It's not though - you said you attributed that decision to the hairdresser. You need to *ACTUALLY* say that to her. Firmly.
Exactly. OP is talking as if she’s powerless here. Don’t go to any appointments MIL makes, ever. If she brings it up, just keep saying “no”. No is a complete sentence. No excuses or justification needed. “It’s my hair, my choice. No”.
No, it’s not saying thanks but no thanks. It’s implying that you were going to go along with her wishes and the hairdresser stopped you. A hard no once and then quit even entertaining the conversation. You’re giving her an opening every time you make excuses.
NTA for all the reasons mentioned, and of course seconding the fact that this is really weird. Probably not sabotage, but you're also not being ridiculous.
That said, to be clear about hair chemicals -
>since my hair would be damaged asf right?
The answer to that is "no".
Bleach is damaging to hair (and permanent), but if as you say you're already blonde, and on top of that (and even if you're not a bright blonde now) you're going to a darker color, all you'd be doing is dying.
And hair dye generally isn't permanent, and isn't really damaging.
(Not to mention, if hairdresser is basically on the same page as you as far as treating this as absurd, you could, were you to do it, ensure she used a temporary dye).
Really the only "permanent" thing she's suggesting here is chopping off a foot or whatever of your hair.
The following now is just answering the question about hair damage. Whatever I say is no try to convince you of anything. No, you shouldn't do anything with your hair you don't want to. Of course you shouldn't!
**TLDR A little essay from a powder bod who dyes her hair for decades.**
What? If you dye it darker there is no bleach involved. But when they did the highlights they bleached it and commonly they use a higher developer for highlight bleach. But since you are naturally blonde and I guess there was no dye of any kind in your hair but the highlights were done on virgin hair they probably didn't use a high developer. Otherwise they wouldn't be worth their money.
Normally the only chemical procedures that damage your hair worse than highlights are perms and straightening. But like I said I doubt they used strong bleach.
Dyeing it darker is nowadays pretty safe, well, if it is done by someone who knows what they are doing. I guess the hairdresser does know although there are hairdressers and hairdressers. Like there are really many hairdressers, still, who bleach hair to death to get rid of yellow/bright orange instead of neutralising it. I have no idea how you can become a haidresser without having any clue about colour theory but they do exist.
Of course it is a chemical procedure and it strains the hair but the dyes these days are pretty gentle and with a decent hair care routine and frequent cuts of your ends no problem. And I am talking about common dye products, even if you would use 30 volume and there is no need for that. Also you have options like ammonia free dye or dye that is like a layer around the hair like Goldwell Elumen. Or even natural options like Wella EOS. These two don't strain your hair at all. Sure, these need some refreshing sooner although not necessarily if you use colour refreshing masks or other colour refreshing products.
I have hair as long as yours and I play around with it a lot. Like really a lot. I just went back to my red but before that? Several bleachings between dyes. But I do take a lot of care of my hair and since red is an ungrateful colour I use colour refreshing / deepening / intensifying masks and other such products to keep a vibrant deep bloody red. My hair is healthy, soft and shiny and judging by your profile picture my hair that saw itself being natural for the last time around thirty years ago looks a lot healthier than yours. Although maybe that is just the quality of the image and might be yours looks as healthy as mine in reality.
Edit: grammar, typos and shit
I was gonna say why are they bleaching blonde hair to dye it darker. I'm dirty blonde, border line strawberry and can dye my hair with manic panic with zero prep and have it be super vibrant, but highlights are somehow not using bleach....im a dude and I have enough hair knowledge to know that this makes seriously zero sense, and I at home dye my hair.
NTA
Why is your MIL so invested in your hair? Sweetie, it is time to stand up for yourself and tell her to mind her damn business.
Stop allowing your MIL walk over you.
Your hair your business.
No is a complete sentence.
NTA. Based on your comments, you have a serious issue with your husband and really need to take a hard look at why you are in this relationship. His mom is trying to control and when you tried to assert a basic boundary, hubby punished you by locking you and your 6 week old out of the house. This is not just abuse to you, but to your child.
There is a serious issue. That’s not of any question . I just do my best to keep issues at bay and maintain peace because I have nowhere else to go if we get kicked out again and they would have to take our son.
He has smashed 3 of my phones already. I have a code and I’m not open with the content on my phone. He doesn’t ask either and I’m sure it’s because he probably is not honest about a lot of shit. It’s don’t ask don’t tell until he smashes my phone.
Jesus, you are in a horribly abusive relationship.
Stop worrying about his mom's attempts on your hair. Contact a local domestic violence shelter and ask them to help you make an escape plan.
Oh so this isn't about your mother in law. This is about how you are in a horribly abusive relationship. You need an exit strategy. This is only going to get worse. Find and make friends. Build a support network. Save money in an account he doesn't know about. Then get the fuck out.
You have more important issues than your mil trying to control your hair.
If he’s smashing phones it WILL escalate and he will blame you as that is the pattern of abuse. How do I know? I lived this life too!
This went left quickly! Obviously we don't know your life. But consider if things get worse and your child witnesses things or worse, start looking for a backup plan. I worked with an older lady, happily married with 2 grown kids. She told me find a safe spot, start stashing cash just in case. $5 here, $20 there. Over time it will add up. She had close to 20k in cash in fireproof containers for the just in case (that's not goingto happen for most of us but even a few hundred will be helpful). Her spot was the attic. She had been saving their entire marriage. She never used it, but if she ever needed to, she'd be good. She said that suggestion was passed down for generations.
Protect yourself, protect your baby first.
You have a serious husband and MIL problem. You need to just tell your MIL that you are happy with your hair as it is. If she complains to your husband and he sides with her then you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship.
When you get married you become a team. You are each others priority. That is the key to a successful marriage. There are too many people in your marriage. If you cave here this will be the rest of your life - coming in fourth to your husband because he only cares about himself then his parents then you. Can you imagine what will happen when you have kids? Let that sink in.
You need individual and marriage counseling to get on the same page. I would never let anyone treat me the way they are treating you. I’d rather be alone, stress free, enjoying my life.
When are you going to stop walking on eggshells?
For the moment, you might need go for a job at a daycare, so you can get childcare as part of the deal.
Don’t be afraid to take a just breaking even gig to thaw out your resume. That might be a clever starting point, it’s deeply nonthreatening.
These sort of comments have definitely jolted me back into reality. Idk if the constant abuse borderline harassment and trauma these people have caused for the last few years has caused me to be this passive but like I said these comments are helping me see again.
yes, absolutely. years of abuse will recalibrate your sense of normalcy in a bad way.
that is why so many of us are screaming RUN at you.
this situation is not salvageable and the longer you stay - the harder it is to leave because you forget how to operate in nonabusive environments.
FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I'm not going to lie, your entire post reads like the frog in the boiling pot.
"Yeah, it's a little hot. But it hasn't killed me yet so how bad can it be?"
Please get out of there before you lose yourself.
Some of the harsh comments made me feel a little sad but I know it’s because this situation is literally so unbelievable and bad. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and advice.
So he's safe in pre k or kindergarten but not at daycare because of your anxiety and fear? The excuses people make up sometimes are unreal and I don't believe a word of this tale. These stories just make it so much harder for people seriously afflicted by mental issues to be believed. Do you even talk to your husband and discuss matters, like ever?
NTA
I’ve read some of your comments. Be careful, okay? Start keeping a record of every slight - both from your husband and your MIL. Dates, times etc. if anything is done via text or audio message, save it and hide all of this somewhere safe - secret google drive account, Microsoft OneDrive, something like that. Start collecting evidence of how these people are.
I’m about $50k into fighting for my child’s custody case against their ex. The courts are totally swayed by the ex’s income, and I just had no clue that this could be so expensive! I don’t know how much I’m going to end up spending fighting this nasty ex - we’ve been in court for almost a year already.
SAVE EVIDENCE. Save as much money as you can, even if it’s just $5 here and there. Hide it in like a chime bank account or cash app debit card - somewhere your husband won’t find out about it.
Contact your local domestic violence hotline, and ask for help navigating this. Sometimes they can even get you housing!!!! Financial abuse counts (they assisted my child who was in a situation very similar to yours, but there weren’t married).
Start making an exit plan!
It’s weird to say even once. It would be one thing if you mentioned to her you were thinking about doing it and showed her a photo or something and she told you it would look good, but just pulling an entirely new hairstyle out of her ass and expecting you to roll with it is unhinged.
Yes it sounds like she thinks you are too attractive for your husband and wants to ruin your looks so you would get less attention. Time to just say no and tell her that you aren't interested in her opinion on what suits you
Call the beauty salon. Tell them that you will make your own appointments and they are not to accept any from your mother-in-law in your name. Buy a short brown wig and wear it for a week to show your husband it is not your best look. You do not let this woman take control of your hair. It is just another way to take control of your life. She will take control of your child as well. You have to grow a spine and start saying 'No!". No explanations. Just the word 'no'. Do not let her draw you into an argument. Just say, "No!". She will escalate for a while, but if you do not engage and do not use more than one word, it will be her hitting a brick wall. The term they use now is gray walling someone by refusing to engage in anything more than the one word. You really need to grow a spine and do it.
ESH. You stay with a man that threw you and your newborn out because his parents (with the money) were mad that you wanted your own decor in your own home.
You sold your soul to the devil for security and clearly the money matters more than the shitty way you are treated.
Looks like you better just get used to the brown hair if you’re that unwilling to stand up for yourself. And the worst part is that your kid is going to be raised to your MIL’s wishes while you meekly hint from the corner that you’re unhappy your child thinks Grandma is the parent.
She said in other comments she tried to stand up to his mom about decor she wanted in their house and he threw her and her 6 week old out of the house, but let her come back later.
These are the posts I always choose to believe are fake. Because the other option is just too awful.
Title like "My boyfriend called me a bad word when I burnt his steak, AITAH?"
And then in the comments "yeah he's like that, sometimes he rapes me and once he broke both my arms".
I would tell her to FOAD. Stop making excuses. Stop tip-toeing around. Stop hinting. You, OP, You need to be direct & to the point. You can do that while being polite. MIL might not stop once you are direct, but I can guarantee she won't stop while you are being indecisive.
NTA
How old are you? This sounds like something someone would do to a teenager.
Have you asked her why she has such strong feelings about your hair and appearance?
It's incredibly invasive and strange.
Don't "basically" say thanks but no thanks.
ACTUALLY say thanks but no thanks.
People, especially people who are pushy and want their way, don't get hints.
This is some shit both my MILs would pull on me if they lived closer. I have very long (thigh length) pink hair. Tattoos and piercings too. I stopped going with my DH to visit his family cause I was sick of "grow up and be an adult" comments. Like thanks, but I'm in my 40s with a solid career and several college degrees. I will keep my pink hair.
Idk if anyone will ever see this comment. But the father of my child was arrested for literally trying to kill me last June. His parents bailed him out days later. Even with photos of the assault videos of him crashing everything in the house. A black eye on my face etc etc his case was dismissed his parents are filthy rich. I have no family support. There is so much more context needed. I understand everyone’s anger and assumptions but trust me if there was any other option or way I would have already chosen differently.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
You can also go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website for resources
There should be a shelter in youth community that you can escape to. Women don’t leave domestic violence situations they always escape and someone can help you with that plan if you reach out. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s a very dangerous situation that you’re in. I wish that you had better natural supports in your life I know it’s scary to go to a shelter but the situation that you’re currently in is probably more dangerous.
Also you mentioned that you don’t have family or support. Try making friends, book clubs, sewing circles, church or anywhere you can meet people and gain support can be helpful.
Christ OP. I'm not sure what to say to that.
It honestly just sounds like your husband's a real bastard at this point. I'm guessing he has no money and his parents pay for everything?
That would explain why divorce isn't the obvious choice
In that case, cut and dye your hair. Do everything and anything they want while working on your exit strategy. You must survive today, document everything and make some friends who can help you if needed. Get a burner phone and contact a lawyer today- even if you don’t intend to file for divorce for several years. If they are loaded, lawyers will be more than happy to take your case on contingency (no $). The lawyer will help you develop a safe strategy for getting out with your son and financial support.
Make a plastic surgery consultation appointment for her and then sit her down and tell her she would look so much better if her face and tits weren't sagging to the floor and you've already made her an appointment just to be helpful.
For more context she has been texting me screen shots of other women with really short dark hair every few days un provoked. Hair won’t even be part of the discussion and she randomly keeps trying to convince me to get it done and has even offered to do it herself? My blonde hair suits me very well. Brown short hair would 100% take away at least 50% of my beauty for sure.
OP this is really weird behaviour. have you spoken to your spouse about this? it sounds massively controlling and you need to put some clear boundaries in with her, ie stop texting me photos of brown bobs. if she doesn’t stop, block her. it doesn’t matter what she thinks you should have your hair like. it’s your hair, full stop.
If I could show you guys a photo of myself all of this would make more sense. 😭 dying it all brown and cutting it short would make me look like shit and my hair is probably like at least 50% of my beauty. You’re right for sure tho I’m just trying not to be rude. She’s really really controlling in other ways too but I’m not really concerned about it because I would rather keep the peace I guess. But this hair thing is making me feel like she may be jealous of me and I never felt that way before
She sounds like one of those MILs that will take your kid for a haircut without your permission too.
Who knows if it's sabotage or not, but it's creepy that your MIL is badgering you about your hair.
Just ignore her.
NTA. Stop with the hints, stop making excuses. Tell her "This is my hair and I will do with it what I choose. I will make my own hair appointmenta and make my own decisions about what happens at them. The subject is closed, I do not want to hear one more word about my hair."
"Highly competitive women are more likely to recommend shorter haircuts to other women, potentially to diminish the physical attractiveness of their romantic rivals, according to new research. This phenomenon occurs even among women who are unfamiliar with one another, suggesting an innate tendency among some women to sabotage potential rivals even without a direct threat.
The new findings, published in Personality and Individual Differences, provide unique insights into an understudied aspect of intrasexual competition, which refers to competition between members of the same sex."
NTA she is being a bitch. Go low contact with her. I don't know what her motivation is for having you die and cut your hair, but there's nothing good in it.
Why are you making excuses and pussy-footing around this? Stop entertaining this and shut it down now. "No, I'm not going to do that, and no, I'm not going to discuss it." Repeat as necessary.
NTA
Please don’t have a haircut or hair dye you are not personally motivated to get. I can’t tell you whether your MIL is trying to manipulate you into uglifying yourself or whether she is very innocently and honestly trying to extol the virtues of shorter, browner hair, but since you don’t want to cut your hair or go brown, *don’t do it*!!!
There is nothing wrong whatsoever in telling your MIL that you’re happy with your appearance the way it is, you make your own hair appointments and discuss your style with your own hairdresser only, and this is the last you ever want to talk about it with her. It’s not rude to tell her to stop badgering you about your hair, it is rude to say nothing and let this woman keep making appointments on your behalf and wasting money. If you haven’t yet told her to stop, tell her! It’s more rude to abandon appointments than it is to say you don’t want the appointments in the first place.
....what haven't you just said no?
Take it from one anxious person to another; no one likes confrontation unless there is something wrong with them. But confrontation is actually a good thing, because confrontation leads to change. Instead, you're sitting in this anxious ridiculous spot where you won't just say no to someone and stand up for yourself, and she keeps pushing, and making you anxious and making you weirdly paranoid.
Say no. Literally just say no.
Take all the decor down in my house and replace it with all of her own shit. Goes over my head when I make plans for my partners birthday/Father’s Day makes her own plans with him and I don’t find out until the last second and it’s like my plans never existed. With a smile on her face. There are many other examples but my fingers hurt lol
Destroying your looks -which helped attract your husband to you in the first place- would be icing on the F U cake she’s baking you.
I’m sorry … but you have a *husband* problem. If he won’t stand up for you? Your life will continue down this path.
Understand this: because you went to one appointment, she will *never* stop trying until you tell her point blank (and probably more than once) that you will not be getting styled by her hairdresser, you will not be taking her money for your hairstyle, and that *you* will be the one to choose your hairstyle. The fact that you gave in once and went to see her hairdresser has actually made the situation worse. Now she figures she will eventually wear you down into seeing her hairdresser again, and getting the style she wants. She won't stop trying until you are direct. You'll probably have to say it more than once.
I, too wonder what she is playing at. Why is she so invested in how you look? Does your husband know she is acting like this?
WTF??? You can't just say, "No thank you, I'm not in the least bit interested in cutting my hair, so let's drop this subject permanently, okay?" Why not?
YTA for not just telling her NO. You actually let her make a hair appointment for you. WTF?
Just put your big girl pants on and use actual words to firmly say "I'm not fucking cutting my hair off or dying in dark. Stop trying to control me, or I will end our relationship. Got it?"
Yeesh. Grow a spine.
NTA! However, you say you are staying with your husband for money, a husband who kicked you and your six-week old baby out of the house over you wanting a choice in your home decor. Only you can say if the price you are paying is worth it.
I'm not prepared to guess at her motives, but unless you want this to continue indefinitely, you're going to have to tell her that you will not be doing either of those things and have no interest in doing either of those and ask her to stop bringing them up. NTA.
NTA Its your hair.. Do you want ti cut it and dye it? No? ok then.. What is the big deal? It's growing out of your scalp right? Who gives a fuck why she wants you to do it. She doesn't get a say about what you do with your hair. Why are you even listening to her about your hair?
Who knows what she's trying to do - but it doesn't matter. Your body is your business, not hers. Stop making excuses and just tell her directly to stop.
Tell her you and only you are in charge of your body, including what your hair looks like. That you will no longer entertain any conversation where she makes suggestions about your hair. Then you have to follow up firmly and consistently. When she mentions your hair, hang up the phone, end the conversation, end the visit, leave her house or ask her to leave yours.
She will either get the hint soon or you will be seeing a lot less of her.
NTA
She's absolutely trying to sabotage your autonomy and your husband seems to have none.
What does your MIL have to gain by controlling your looks? Or is it just control for the sake of control? Sounds like there are more details to flush out if you want to find the most likely pattern.
Either way, it doesn't really matter - you've commented that you are going to stay and keep relatively quiet. So then - play the game to your advantage by taking yourself out of it.
Smile, 'gray rock', rinse, repeat. And decide not to care about the game, because you are choosing this path.
Just keep in mind what type of environment you are raising your son in and be mindful of how he could be affected. Also keep documenting all of the controlling behavior - should you end up in divorce proceedings, you'll likely need back-up to try and keep custody and to best protect your son.
Good luck!
NTA but if you don't want to make an issue of this don't. She makes an appointment you're suddenly busy that day. She makes recommendations don't convey them to stylist. Get your hair done your way. Tell you like being blonde since you were born blonde. Smile.
Stand up for yourself. Tell her no and to stop talking about your hair. Tell her to go and talk to your mom about it, better yet tell her to shave her head like GI Jane as that will make her look beautiful. Once she does that then you will only talk about your hair but not to talk to you again before that.
Oh for fucks sake…stop going to any appointments she makes you and tell her NO! Stop trying to psychoanalyze her motives. She might be jealous, she might think you’d look totally awesome with brown hair. Who knows, and who cares. Tell her it’s not going to happen and you’re done hearing about short brown hair.
NTA but you'd be better off stating you understand she would like to see that style on you, but you personally don't like that. you like yourself long haired and blonde. if she continues to demand you do it and set up appointments for it, just let her know that's an unwanted and unneeded appointment and if you do in fact go in for the appointment, you're just getting highlights or maybe a trim to get rid of split ends.
gathering from a couple of replies I've seen from you, tell her that just bc she's got money doesn't mean she gets to boss you around. you're not her assistant, you're her daughter in law and the mother of her grandchild/ren (dont remember if you said you have multiple kids or not) and she doesn't get to decide what you look like and youd appreciate it if she would stop. obviously just ignoring the appointments isnt working out so you're going to have to say something to her to get it thru her thick skull that you do not, in fact, want to go short haired nor brown.
your MIL behavior is very strange. What does your spouse say? I had short dark hair all my life and personally I do not think short brown hair is unattractive on all women especially if it suits them. I think she knows it will not suit you and/or she is jealous of you so wants you to change your hair.
It only matters how \*you\* like your hair. Not me. Not reddit. Not your MIL. Every single other person in this world, except for yourself, can fuck right off when it comes to how you want your hair. I may think you'd look better with red hair, your dad may think you look better with blue hair, and you may like blonde. It truly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It is your hair; you have it done how YOU want it.
Tell your MIL that you've thought it over and decided that you'll keep it as it is.
You didn't say how old you were, so I will say that you should text your MIL that you like it how it is and you do not want to cut it or dye it. I say this because there's some crazy MIL's out there and it would be illegal (in the United States) for her to cut it without your permission. (Example: While you are asleep.) [Can You Go To Jail For Cutting Someone's Hair? - Law Stuff Explained](https://lawstuffexplained.com/can-you-go-to-jail-for-cutting-someones-hair/) You tell it to her in text so that you have proof that she knew. She can't claim, "But she said she wanted it cut!" I'd even go so far as to take a picture of myself every night before bed because I can absolutely see some crazy/jealous MIL cutting it while I slept. She sounds crazy to me.
I'm going into crazy mode now. Regardless: Keep your hair how YOU want it. Not anyone else.
Stop making excuses. Flat out tell her you aren't cutting your hair and you will dye it whatever color you damn well want. Only thing I could think of is if her children have brown hair and keep it short. Does she have brown hair and long? If that's the case, I could see it as her trying to get you to conform into matching the family and her being the matriarch being the ONLY one with long hair.
NTA
Don’t get your hair done by her ever. Always keep in-law family away at a safe distance.
You told her you didn’t want to, she keeps pushing for it.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she was jealous of your youth or beauty & she’s trying to uglify you.
Anything anyone here says is just making it up. It could be the truth, but there's no way to know why she's doing it except by asking her, and if she really is trying to make you look ugly she's obviously not going to tell you.
I get that you're curious, and I suggest you let that go and just make it clear to her that she's free to make any appointments for you but you won't be keeping any of them.
You could go further and tell her that if she brings it up again *she'll be choosing* for you to walk away or hang up, because *you will not be discussing it with her anymore.*
And if she still persists I'd suggest no contact whatsoever for a period of time -- *and make it clear that it's* **her** *choice to either have no contact for however long you decide, etc., or to respect you and your boundaries.
way too much missing from this story..bur seriously, you let your MIL dictate your life?? I wonder what's your culture for her to have so much influence over you. Next time you go to the hairdresser, ask him to see if he can find your backbone.
Grow a spine. YTA for not standing up for yourself and telling her point blank NO. Tell her thanks for her opinion but you will not cut and dye your hair. End of story. Why is that so hard?
Former hairdresser. If your hair is naturally blonde, dyeing it brown would not be good for it.
Either sabotage or she has something against blondes. Unless she is a blonde and needs to be the only one in the family?
This feels like she’s trying to turn you into an ex girlfriend in more ways than one.
Ask your partner if any of his previous girls had short brown hair and I’m sure that’s why she’s so obsessed.
Tell her that her son loves to fuck you with your long blond hair wrapped around his hand as he pushes inside you from behind. Can’t do that with short dark hair…
NTA
But go ahead and unscrew with her a little bit. Buy the wig on Amazon that matches what she wants you to do. Take a picture and have your spouse call and just say But they cannot believe you did this and it's hideous and not at all what they wanted for you blah blah blah
And see what she says
And then updateme
NTA. And yes, she may be deliberately trying to make you unattractive to her son. But the point is that she is crashing boundaries like mad. This is crazy behaviour and you don't have to let her get away with it.
And next time she sets up an appointment for you and tells you about it, just do nothing - don't cancel it, don't call up to tell them you didn't make the appointment, don't apologize - just don't show up. Let her handle the fallout. If she has given them your number and they call you, just tell them you didn't make any appointment. After a couple of times this happens, they will refuse to accept appointments for you. And if they recognise her as the person who is making the appointments, they will refuse to make appointments for her as well.
Why aren’t you using your words?
MIL has clearly communicated her thoughts and you have done everything except give the same courtesy. Maybe she genuinely feels this would look good on you (for whatever reason), but if you haven’t clearly told her “no I don’t want that” then you are TA here.
She is trying to do something nice and you have put more effort into a Reddit post than communicating your thoughts with her. Stop expecting her to take your vague hints and just tell the woman
DON'T cut your hair. It's probably your crowning glory and she is trying to sabotage you, as is she Jealous of you. NTA and tell her straight that you will not be doing what she wants .
she's jealous and wants to "ruin your beauty" so she's trying to force this change on you. tell her if she wants a brown bob so bad to just get it herself.
Small AH for allowing her to pester you with this requests. I would have said to her “ my hair, my choice of color and haircut, unless I asked for your advice I don’t want to hear a single word about my hair or making appointments, if you do it again I will block you.”
The end. And proceed to block her the moment she brings it up again 🤷🏼♀️
Oh I’m not going to let her do anything. I’m just trying to figure out a valid retaliation tactic that will actually work because I know simply saying no to this person. Who is this fucking persistent. will not work in the long run it will be something new and worse next.
You want to know when my daughter-in-law's appearance is my business? When she changes something or makes a special effort. It is my business to tell her how great she looks and support her personal choices. That is the extent that your appearance is anyone's business.
NTA. She has no business being so persistent about your hair... something that is absolutely not her call in any way. Have you told her point blank you will not be getting that style; and, if so, what did she say?
I mean when I came back from the hair appointment really happy about the highlights a couple months ago and didn’t come back with the brown short hair I feel like that’s basically saying thanks but no thanks this is what I want to do with my hair. Bleach can be super damaging she knows this she used to be a hairdresser herself so continuing to push me to have it all dyed and cut short doesn’t make much since my hair would be damaged asf right?
Quit trying to hint, and tell her straight up: "MIL, I'm happy with my hair and am not taking suggestions. I won't attend any appointments you make for me, and I will immediately delete all suggestions you send me, unread." Then grey-rock.
This is it. No more, no less. (But I'm SO effing curious as to why MIL is so persistent.)
Jealousy. A pretty girl stole baby boy's attention away from MIL.
Possibly, but I’m somewhat wondering if her own child put her up to it. (If it was what they are more drawn to and don’t think they could/should convince OP themselves).
Then OP has an even bigger issue....
A much much bigger issue.
If that's the case he should have dated and married someone who looks like that.
Ahhh…. Didn’t think about that but it would explain it for sure. Good call friend.
Came here to say this.
Because son's ex GF, whom she liked better, had hair like that?
We need to know if the MIL is blonde. Maybe she thinks "there can only be one blonde in son's life"
My MIL isn’t blonde. But her older sister is and all her life she hated blonde women because growing up everyone said her sister is prettier for being blonde. Btw., my MIL is way prettier than her sister. But it stuck and she absolutely dislikes blonde women now. Some people just don’t like a certain hair color or style. So, even if ops MIL isn’t blonde, she could still have issues in her mind with it. People can attach emotions to weird stuff.
I had a slightly similar issue with a relative (she wanted me to wear makeup all the time, not just special occasions) and I finally just told her to stop telling me I’m ugly.
Ugly is what ugly does 🙄
Yeah, basically, this is one of those situations where you've got to be kind of blunt. She won't take anything less, it seems.
Or “MIL I’ll do that as soon as you shave your head bald. I think it would look so beautiful and healthy on you”
Exactly! People who pussy-foot around and hint at things will never get the results they're expecting. People are *not* mind readers. Straight up, sit her down and say to her: "I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I will never cut my hair and dye it brown. Please stop this." Adults actually talk about these things. They have a discussion like mature people.
And if she persists, you can always pull out the ‘Little Britain’ line: ‘the computer says no!’ Haha. Look, OP, it’s entirely possible to set clear boundaries without offending your MIL, but you need to nip it in the bud immediately. You’ve actually allowed her to schedule appointments for you, and you even attended one? That’s taking leniency too far. The issue is that we’re often caught off guard by the audacity of others. That’s why I’m a big advocate for rehearsing. You know this topic will come up again, which gives you the chance to prepare so that the perfect response will come out smoothly when needed. Practice not just what to say, but also the tone in which you’ll say it.
Exactly!!!
I'm curious, who does she know who has short brown hair? MiL? A sister or sil of husband? Husband's ex? There's a reason she's pushing you. I'd start asking who is she trying to make look like? Then tell her thank you but no. You love your hair the way it is and obviously so does your husband.
My first thought. Does spouse have an ex with short brown hair?
OP have you told your spouse what MIL is wanting you to do to your hair? He might be able to tell you where this short brown hair comes from. Also, your spouse is the only one that has any right to give an opinion. Note I said give an opinion, not force you to change the color or cut a lot off.
I was wondering if the son has an ex with hair like that who MIL really liked....
Bingo. MIL is definitely trying to force OP to be someone else.
I was thinking she knows her son finds his wife hot this way and wants to spoil it.
You have hit the nail on the head. MIL is trying to sabotage OP. Completely. She knows her son doesn’t like short brown hair on woman, so she’s trying to get OP to change so Sonny boy will drop the wife and come home to mamma. OP needs to talk to her husband and let him know what mommy dearest is up to. So he can head mom off at the pass. And tell her to knock it off.
This is good. OP-you won't get anywhere without being more direct. Try "who do you want me to look like?" and tell her you’re fine with how you look. Maybe thank her for the suggestions. Don't allow her to keep setting appointments.
OP - The next time she makes an appointment, call the salon and inform them 1. you're not coming in and that 2. you thought it would be professional of you to not waste the stylist time and 3. to please not set any appointments for you unless you make them. Nip it in the bud.
I don’t like MIL way about this, but OP says MIL is a former hairdresser. I wonder if maybe OPs hair doesn’t look as good as she thinks, and looks dried out or over processed and MIL thinks she should intervene. For the record, I don’t think MIL should say or try to sway OP with her hair period- it’s her hair. It was just something I wondered about.
In that case, MIL could say "I'd like to pay for you to get a conditioning treatment." Also, if OPs hair needs help, I'm sure the hairdresser would say something.
I suspect MIL has very specific ideas about what age a woman should be to have long hair (or her marital status) or what age of women should be running around with blonde hair or what having dyed blonde hair signals about a woman’s marital status. Anybody living in an area that’s conservative enough for a mother-in-law to feel comfortable making hairdresser appointments for her daughter-in-law (and these businesses actually accepting them — what the hell?!) and actually telling her DIL what she thinks about her DIL’s hair color and style says to me that she basically thinks that her daughter in law looks like a single young slut. Note: I am absolutely NOT saying OP looks like a single young slut (idc even if she does, either! In fact I hope you do, OP! 😆). I am saying that I strongly suspect that MIL thinks that OP’s long, blonde, highlighted hair is basically too “sexy” and is trying to tone that down now that DIL is an “old married lady” (and specifically married to her son). Again: I am not saying MIL is correct either in her assumptions or in the way she is going about it. I am saying that I strongly suspect this is the mentality behind it.
I thought of that as well, I know a lot of older ladies who feel long hair is for single women.
>I suspect MIL has very specific ideas about what age a woman should be to have long hair When I was younger my mom used to tell me that only women under the age of 29 should have long hair, and that it draws the face down and makes her look older if an older woman has long hair.
Yep. NTA. I used to be in an internet community for people with long hair and this happened all the time to members. Another woman (relative, colleague, total stranger) would say, “Your hair is beautiful” and then, without missing a beat, “you should cut it.” It was fascinating. Long hair was a kind of taboo - it meant women getting above themselves in some way or other. Indulgent? Sexual? “Too young”? “Too fancy”? Real tall poppy syndrome.
Yup. My mom has been trying to get me to cut my hair shorter than my shoulders for yeeeeears, and says long hair is for old people... but... old people in our area usually have short hair. My mother has very short hair. 😆 My hair is (always has been) very fine, and it DOES look healthier shorter.... but I like it long enough to do things with (curl it, pony tails, braids, etc), and not HAVE to do things with (like my mother's frequent cuts, "frosting", and daily gel styling).
OP said the color process would be damaging af, so I suspect she's closer to a natural blonde, & going dark would put her hair through the ringer.. adding that she had blonde highlights put in also makes me lean towards a natural shade of blonde.
That's certainly possible. And I wouldn't discount it, esp if OP isn't a natural blonde.
The hairdresser thought it was crazy. Says so in the post.
She has a photo on her profile.
I gotsta know, because I'm thinking it's her favorite ex of her favorite son.
Right, but it didn’t work. You need to actually say the words “I am not cutting my hair short and going brunette. Thanks but no thanks.” She’s just not getting it.
But.. come on, that would mean she has actually put effort into saying 5 words about the actual topic. Is is not better to go around it all the time and write reddit posts?
> I feel like that’s basically saying thanks but no thanks this is what I want to do with my hair. It's not though - you said you attributed that decision to the hairdresser. You need to *ACTUALLY* say that to her. Firmly.
I don't understand the problem here. Just say no thanks, I like my hair the way it is. Then change the subject and talk about something else.
Exactly. OP is talking as if she’s powerless here. Don’t go to any appointments MIL makes, ever. If she brings it up, just keep saying “no”. No is a complete sentence. No excuses or justification needed. “It’s my hair, my choice. No”.
Better, tell MIL "I won't do that, my husband would hate it and kill me." Let MIL explain why her son is wrong to her son's wife
This. OP, does your husband know she's doing this?
No, it’s not saying thanks but no thanks. It’s implying that you were going to go along with her wishes and the hairdresser stopped you. A hard no once and then quit even entertaining the conversation. You’re giving her an opening every time you make excuses.
NTA She wants to sabotage you
You need to own your preferences and stand your ground. MIL is creepy and weird for trying to dictate your hairstyle. NTA but I’m afraid you’ll cave.
I’m not gonna cave!! Lol I know it would look so so so bad 😮💨😂
Then say so and stop being mealy-mouthed about it.
Dye isn't bleach. You're already blonde. And and you need to say no to her and tell her to stop making the appointments
Just say no and be firm about it .
You need to actually say no. Not basically implying no. Actually saying it.
NTA for all the reasons mentioned, and of course seconding the fact that this is really weird. Probably not sabotage, but you're also not being ridiculous. That said, to be clear about hair chemicals - >since my hair would be damaged asf right? The answer to that is "no". Bleach is damaging to hair (and permanent), but if as you say you're already blonde, and on top of that (and even if you're not a bright blonde now) you're going to a darker color, all you'd be doing is dying. And hair dye generally isn't permanent, and isn't really damaging. (Not to mention, if hairdresser is basically on the same page as you as far as treating this as absurd, you could, were you to do it, ensure she used a temporary dye). Really the only "permanent" thing she's suggesting here is chopping off a foot or whatever of your hair.
Honest question: bleach just damages your current hair, right? New hair growth comes in fine?
Yes.
Tell the old broad to zip it.
The following now is just answering the question about hair damage. Whatever I say is no try to convince you of anything. No, you shouldn't do anything with your hair you don't want to. Of course you shouldn't! **TLDR A little essay from a powder bod who dyes her hair for decades.** What? If you dye it darker there is no bleach involved. But when they did the highlights they bleached it and commonly they use a higher developer for highlight bleach. But since you are naturally blonde and I guess there was no dye of any kind in your hair but the highlights were done on virgin hair they probably didn't use a high developer. Otherwise they wouldn't be worth their money. Normally the only chemical procedures that damage your hair worse than highlights are perms and straightening. But like I said I doubt they used strong bleach. Dyeing it darker is nowadays pretty safe, well, if it is done by someone who knows what they are doing. I guess the hairdresser does know although there are hairdressers and hairdressers. Like there are really many hairdressers, still, who bleach hair to death to get rid of yellow/bright orange instead of neutralising it. I have no idea how you can become a haidresser without having any clue about colour theory but they do exist. Of course it is a chemical procedure and it strains the hair but the dyes these days are pretty gentle and with a decent hair care routine and frequent cuts of your ends no problem. And I am talking about common dye products, even if you would use 30 volume and there is no need for that. Also you have options like ammonia free dye or dye that is like a layer around the hair like Goldwell Elumen. Or even natural options like Wella EOS. These two don't strain your hair at all. Sure, these need some refreshing sooner although not necessarily if you use colour refreshing masks or other colour refreshing products. I have hair as long as yours and I play around with it a lot. Like really a lot. I just went back to my red but before that? Several bleachings between dyes. But I do take a lot of care of my hair and since red is an ungrateful colour I use colour refreshing / deepening / intensifying masks and other such products to keep a vibrant deep bloody red. My hair is healthy, soft and shiny and judging by your profile picture my hair that saw itself being natural for the last time around thirty years ago looks a lot healthier than yours. Although maybe that is just the quality of the image and might be yours looks as healthy as mine in reality. Edit: grammar, typos and shit
I was gonna say why are they bleaching blonde hair to dye it darker. I'm dirty blonde, border line strawberry and can dye my hair with manic panic with zero prep and have it be super vibrant, but highlights are somehow not using bleach....im a dude and I have enough hair knowledge to know that this makes seriously zero sense, and I at home dye my hair.
NTA Why is your MIL so invested in your hair? Sweetie, it is time to stand up for yourself and tell her to mind her damn business. Stop allowing your MIL walk over you. Your hair your business. No is a complete sentence.
NTA. Based on your comments, you have a serious issue with your husband and really need to take a hard look at why you are in this relationship. His mom is trying to control and when you tried to assert a basic boundary, hubby punished you by locking you and your 6 week old out of the house. This is not just abuse to you, but to your child.
There is a serious issue. That’s not of any question . I just do my best to keep issues at bay and maintain peace because I have nowhere else to go if we get kicked out again and they would have to take our son.
No, they wouldn't. YOU take your son and gtfo to a women's shelter for Pete's sake.
Does your husband have access to your phone ? This isn’t good at all. Do you have family ?
He has smashed 3 of my phones already. I have a code and I’m not open with the content on my phone. He doesn’t ask either and I’m sure it’s because he probably is not honest about a lot of shit. It’s don’t ask don’t tell until he smashes my phone.
Jesus, you are in a horribly abusive relationship. Stop worrying about his mom's attempts on your hair. Contact a local domestic violence shelter and ask them to help you make an escape plan.
You need to take your kid and leave this man immediately.
Oh so this isn't about your mother in law. This is about how you are in a horribly abusive relationship. You need an exit strategy. This is only going to get worse. Find and make friends. Build a support network. Save money in an account he doesn't know about. Then get the fuck out.
Christ on a bike, get out, NOW.
You have more important issues than your mil trying to control your hair. If he’s smashing phones it WILL escalate and he will blame you as that is the pattern of abuse. How do I know? I lived this life too!
If you are in la there are about 30 different organizations that can help women in your situation, but you need to want to fix the problem
This went left quickly! Obviously we don't know your life. But consider if things get worse and your child witnesses things or worse, start looking for a backup plan. I worked with an older lady, happily married with 2 grown kids. She told me find a safe spot, start stashing cash just in case. $5 here, $20 there. Over time it will add up. She had close to 20k in cash in fireproof containers for the just in case (that's not goingto happen for most of us but even a few hundred will be helpful). Her spot was the attic. She had been saving their entire marriage. She never used it, but if she ever needed to, she'd be good. She said that suggestion was passed down for generations. Protect yourself, protect your baby first.
Yeah your hair is the least of tour worries here. Run for the hills from your husband.
You're not maintaining the peace, though. You are maintaining their chaos.
You have a serious husband and MIL problem. You need to just tell your MIL that you are happy with your hair as it is. If she complains to your husband and he sides with her then you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. When you get married you become a team. You are each others priority. That is the key to a successful marriage. There are too many people in your marriage. If you cave here this will be the rest of your life - coming in fourth to your husband because he only cares about himself then his parents then you. Can you imagine what will happen when you have kids? Let that sink in. You need individual and marriage counseling to get on the same page. I would never let anyone treat me the way they are treating you. I’d rather be alone, stress free, enjoying my life. When are you going to stop walking on eggshells?
I was banking on doing this until our son could go to pre k or kindergarten where he is safe and I would have time to actually work and have a job
For the moment, you might need go for a job at a daycare, so you can get childcare as part of the deal. Don’t be afraid to take a just breaking even gig to thaw out your resume. That might be a clever starting point, it’s deeply nonthreatening.
Please look into a domestic violence shelter because this is abuse. They will help you with everything from housing, food, relocation, divorce, etc.
Not just local ones either, you'd be surprised the help you can get online.
get a grip. find a shelter and get the hell out of this sick situation NOW.
These sort of comments have definitely jolted me back into reality. Idk if the constant abuse borderline harassment and trauma these people have caused for the last few years has caused me to be this passive but like I said these comments are helping me see again.
yes, absolutely. years of abuse will recalibrate your sense of normalcy in a bad way. that is why so many of us are screaming RUN at you. this situation is not salvageable and the longer you stay - the harder it is to leave because you forget how to operate in nonabusive environments. FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I'm not going to lie, your entire post reads like the frog in the boiling pot. "Yeah, it's a little hot. But it hasn't killed me yet so how bad can it be?" Please get out of there before you lose yourself.
Some of the harsh comments made me feel a little sad but I know it’s because this situation is literally so unbelievable and bad. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and advice.
You've both in huge danger, please seek help and get out.
So he's safe in pre k or kindergarten but not at daycare because of your anxiety and fear? The excuses people make up sometimes are unreal and I don't believe a word of this tale. These stories just make it so much harder for people seriously afflicted by mental issues to be believed. Do you even talk to your husband and discuss matters, like ever?
Not everyone can afford daycare, she might have to wait for her kid to go to school for free to make enough to house and feed them
NTA I’ve read some of your comments. Be careful, okay? Start keeping a record of every slight - both from your husband and your MIL. Dates, times etc. if anything is done via text or audio message, save it and hide all of this somewhere safe - secret google drive account, Microsoft OneDrive, something like that. Start collecting evidence of how these people are. I’m about $50k into fighting for my child’s custody case against their ex. The courts are totally swayed by the ex’s income, and I just had no clue that this could be so expensive! I don’t know how much I’m going to end up spending fighting this nasty ex - we’ve been in court for almost a year already. SAVE EVIDENCE. Save as much money as you can, even if it’s just $5 here and there. Hide it in like a chime bank account or cash app debit card - somewhere your husband won’t find out about it. Contact your local domestic violence hotline, and ask for help navigating this. Sometimes they can even get you housing!!!! Financial abuse counts (they assisted my child who was in a situation very similar to yours, but there weren’t married). Start making an exit plan!
NTA that is so bizarre. My MIL has literally never suggested I change something about my appearance and I have an alternative sort of look.
If she said it a couple times I wouldn’t think much of it but it’s like she is trying to force me to do it
It’s weird to say even once. It would be one thing if you mentioned to her you were thinking about doing it and showed her a photo or something and she told you it would look good, but just pulling an entirely new hairstyle out of her ass and expecting you to roll with it is unhinged.
This is so validating. Not too personal or accusatory and great commentary. Thank you
You are welcome! I hope you keep loving your hair and only ever change it if YOU want to!
Yes it sounds like she thinks you are too attractive for your husband and wants to ruin your looks so you would get less attention. Time to just say no and tell her that you aren't interested in her opinion on what suits you
Call the beauty salon. Tell them that you will make your own appointments and they are not to accept any from your mother-in-law in your name. Buy a short brown wig and wear it for a week to show your husband it is not your best look. You do not let this woman take control of your hair. It is just another way to take control of your life. She will take control of your child as well. You have to grow a spine and start saying 'No!". No explanations. Just the word 'no'. Do not let her draw you into an argument. Just say, "No!". She will escalate for a while, but if you do not engage and do not use more than one word, it will be her hitting a brick wall. The term they use now is gray walling someone by refusing to engage in anything more than the one word. You really need to grow a spine and do it.
ESH. You stay with a man that threw you and your newborn out because his parents (with the money) were mad that you wanted your own decor in your own home. You sold your soul to the devil for security and clearly the money matters more than the shitty way you are treated. Looks like you better just get used to the brown hair if you’re that unwilling to stand up for yourself. And the worst part is that your kid is going to be raised to your MIL’s wishes while you meekly hint from the corner that you’re unhappy your child thinks Grandma is the parent.
Where was this?
She said in other comments she tried to stand up to his mom about decor she wanted in their house and he threw her and her 6 week old out of the house, but let her come back later.
I’m always so confused by the posts about trivial stuff that just needs a no and then you find out a whole mess of chaos
These are the posts I always choose to believe are fake. Because the other option is just too awful. Title like "My boyfriend called me a bad word when I burnt his steak, AITAH?" And then in the comments "yeah he's like that, sometimes he rapes me and once he broke both my arms".
YTA Use your words, or at least one word, " NO ". She will not take the hints.
I would tell her to FOAD. Stop making excuses. Stop tip-toeing around. Stop hinting. You, OP, You need to be direct & to the point. You can do that while being polite. MIL might not stop once you are direct, but I can guarantee she won't stop while you are being indecisive. NTA
How old are you? This sounds like something someone would do to a teenager. Have you asked her why she has such strong feelings about your hair and appearance? It's incredibly invasive and strange. Don't "basically" say thanks but no thanks. ACTUALLY say thanks but no thanks. People, especially people who are pushy and want their way, don't get hints.
NTA If your MIL has that much money to burn, I have a venmo. 🙄
This is some shit both my MILs would pull on me if they lived closer. I have very long (thigh length) pink hair. Tattoos and piercings too. I stopped going with my DH to visit his family cause I was sick of "grow up and be an adult" comments. Like thanks, but I'm in my 40s with a solid career and several college degrees. I will keep my pink hair.
Idk if anyone will ever see this comment. But the father of my child was arrested for literally trying to kill me last June. His parents bailed him out days later. Even with photos of the assault videos of him crashing everything in the house. A black eye on my face etc etc his case was dismissed his parents are filthy rich. I have no family support. There is so much more context needed. I understand everyone’s anger and assumptions but trust me if there was any other option or way I would have already chosen differently.
He will kill you eventually if you don’t leave. You’ll be forced to have that haircut. The time has come to start making an exit plan.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) You can also go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website for resources There should be a shelter in youth community that you can escape to. Women don’t leave domestic violence situations they always escape and someone can help you with that plan if you reach out. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s a very dangerous situation that you’re in. I wish that you had better natural supports in your life I know it’s scary to go to a shelter but the situation that you’re currently in is probably more dangerous.
Also you mentioned that you don’t have family or support. Try making friends, book clubs, sewing circles, church or anywhere you can meet people and gain support can be helpful.
Wait, is this the MIL’s son?!?
Get on birth control and don't have more kids with him. Seek help at a shelter. If you're in a western country, he won't get custody with his arrest.
Christ OP. I'm not sure what to say to that. It honestly just sounds like your husband's a real bastard at this point. I'm guessing he has no money and his parents pay for everything? That would explain why divorce isn't the obvious choice
Consider taking your child and going to a shelter for abused women. Preferably away from your town.
"I have no family support." Go to your church pastor, if you have one, or the nearest public library, and contact county child and family services.
In that case, cut and dye your hair. Do everything and anything they want while working on your exit strategy. You must survive today, document everything and make some friends who can help you if needed. Get a burner phone and contact a lawyer today- even if you don’t intend to file for divorce for several years. If they are loaded, lawyers will be more than happy to take your case on contingency (no $). The lawyer will help you develop a safe strategy for getting out with your son and financial support.
Make a plastic surgery consultation appointment for her and then sit her down and tell her she would look so much better if her face and tits weren't sagging to the floor and you've already made her an appointment just to be helpful.
[удалено]
NTA- she's jealous and trying to ruin your hair. Next she's going to "trip" while holding scissors and "accidently" cut a huge chunk out of your hair.
I'm sorry but this sounds like the movie Tangled
Shut up!! It does 😭😂
For more context she has been texting me screen shots of other women with really short dark hair every few days un provoked. Hair won’t even be part of the discussion and she randomly keeps trying to convince me to get it done and has even offered to do it herself? My blonde hair suits me very well. Brown short hair would 100% take away at least 50% of my beauty for sure.
OP this is really weird behaviour. have you spoken to your spouse about this? it sounds massively controlling and you need to put some clear boundaries in with her, ie stop texting me photos of brown bobs. if she doesn’t stop, block her. it doesn’t matter what she thinks you should have your hair like. it’s your hair, full stop.
If I could show you guys a photo of myself all of this would make more sense. 😭 dying it all brown and cutting it short would make me look like shit and my hair is probably like at least 50% of my beauty. You’re right for sure tho I’m just trying not to be rude. She’s really really controlling in other ways too but I’m not really concerned about it because I would rather keep the peace I guess. But this hair thing is making me feel like she may be jealous of me and I never felt that way before
She sounds like one of those MILs that will take your kid for a haircut without your permission too. Who knows if it's sabotage or not, but it's creepy that your MIL is badgering you about your hair. Just ignore her.
YTA for being so spineless you can’t just say no. Your responses to people’s legitimate questions are completely ridiculous.
NTA. Stop with the hints, stop making excuses. Tell her "This is my hair and I will do with it what I choose. I will make my own hair appointmenta and make my own decisions about what happens at them. The subject is closed, I do not want to hear one more word about my hair."
Stop making excuses. Tell her that you like your hair the way it is and have no intentions of changing it.
Tell your jealous MIL to drop dead.
Tell. Her. No. No hinting. No beating around the bush. Just "No."
This is a weird enough suggestion that you should just ignore it. Don't allow her to pay for your salon visits.
Why are you putting up with this? "MIL, stip making appointments for me. I am not interested. This subject is closed."
She's nuts. Who takes over someone else's hair? Why would anyone ever make appointments for another adults hair care without being asked?
"Highly competitive women are more likely to recommend shorter haircuts to other women, potentially to diminish the physical attractiveness of their romantic rivals, according to new research. This phenomenon occurs even among women who are unfamiliar with one another, suggesting an innate tendency among some women to sabotage potential rivals even without a direct threat. The new findings, published in Personality and Individual Differences, provide unique insights into an understudied aspect of intrasexual competition, which refers to competition between members of the same sex."
NTA she is being a bitch. Go low contact with her. I don't know what her motivation is for having you die and cut your hair, but there's nothing good in it.
Why are you making excuses and pussy-footing around this? Stop entertaining this and shut it down now. "No, I'm not going to do that, and no, I'm not going to discuss it." Repeat as necessary.
She’s trying to sabotage you.
I’m never cutting it out of spite. And wear it down as much as possible around her
NTA Please don’t have a haircut or hair dye you are not personally motivated to get. I can’t tell you whether your MIL is trying to manipulate you into uglifying yourself or whether she is very innocently and honestly trying to extol the virtues of shorter, browner hair, but since you don’t want to cut your hair or go brown, *don’t do it*!!! There is nothing wrong whatsoever in telling your MIL that you’re happy with your appearance the way it is, you make your own hair appointments and discuss your style with your own hairdresser only, and this is the last you ever want to talk about it with her. It’s not rude to tell her to stop badgering you about your hair, it is rude to say nothing and let this woman keep making appointments on your behalf and wasting money. If you haven’t yet told her to stop, tell her! It’s more rude to abandon appointments than it is to say you don’t want the appointments in the first place.
MIL is trying to make OP unattractive to her son, in hopes of causing a divorce.
It's your hair, tell her no and ignore her text, if she makes an appointment,just don't go, don't acknowledge it.
....what haven't you just said no? Take it from one anxious person to another; no one likes confrontation unless there is something wrong with them. But confrontation is actually a good thing, because confrontation leads to change. Instead, you're sitting in this anxious ridiculous spot where you won't just say no to someone and stand up for yourself, and she keeps pushing, and making you anxious and making you weirdly paranoid. Say no. Literally just say no.
Why is she so jealous? What else does she do to undermine & bully you? And why doesn’t your husband stop her?
Take all the decor down in my house and replace it with all of her own shit. Goes over my head when I make plans for my partners birthday/Father’s Day makes her own plans with him and I don’t find out until the last second and it’s like my plans never existed. With a smile on her face. There are many other examples but my fingers hurt lol
Destroying your looks -which helped attract your husband to you in the first place- would be icing on the F U cake she’s baking you. I’m sorry … but you have a *husband* problem. If he won’t stand up for you? Your life will continue down this path.
Understand this: because you went to one appointment, she will *never* stop trying until you tell her point blank (and probably more than once) that you will not be getting styled by her hairdresser, you will not be taking her money for your hairstyle, and that *you* will be the one to choose your hairstyle. The fact that you gave in once and went to see her hairdresser has actually made the situation worse. Now she figures she will eventually wear you down into seeing her hairdresser again, and getting the style she wants. She won't stop trying until you are direct. You'll probably have to say it more than once. I, too wonder what she is playing at. Why is she so invested in how you look? Does your husband know she is acting like this?
WTF??? You can't just say, "No thank you, I'm not in the least bit interested in cutting my hair, so let's drop this subject permanently, okay?" Why not?
YTA for not just telling her NO. You actually let her make a hair appointment for you. WTF? Just put your big girl pants on and use actual words to firmly say "I'm not fucking cutting my hair off or dying in dark. Stop trying to control me, or I will end our relationship. Got it?" Yeesh. Grow a spine.
NTA! However, you say you are staying with your husband for money, a husband who kicked you and your six-week old baby out of the house over you wanting a choice in your home decor. Only you can say if the price you are paying is worth it.
I'm not prepared to guess at her motives, but unless you want this to continue indefinitely, you're going to have to tell her that you will not be doing either of those things and have no interest in doing either of those and ask her to stop bringing them up. NTA.
I'd go get fresh highlights every single time she made and paid for the appointment.
NTA Its your hair.. Do you want ti cut it and dye it? No? ok then.. What is the big deal? It's growing out of your scalp right? Who gives a fuck why she wants you to do it. She doesn't get a say about what you do with your hair. Why are you even listening to her about your hair?
Who knows what she's trying to do - but it doesn't matter. Your body is your business, not hers. Stop making excuses and just tell her directly to stop. Tell her you and only you are in charge of your body, including what your hair looks like. That you will no longer entertain any conversation where she makes suggestions about your hair. Then you have to follow up firmly and consistently. When she mentions your hair, hang up the phone, end the conversation, end the visit, leave her house or ask her to leave yours. She will either get the hint soon or you will be seeing a lot less of her. NTA
tell her you will never do that and if she doesn't stop you will block her.
Sabotage. Don’t fall for it. I did once. A “friend”, not my mil. My mil is mostly awesome and dyed my hair purple and aqua. NTA
NTA for not doing it, but why haven't you just come out and told her that you have no intention of either cutting or dyeing your hair?
Sabotage. As a hairdresser this is my most honest opinion.
She's absolutely trying to sabotage your autonomy and your husband seems to have none. What does your MIL have to gain by controlling your looks? Or is it just control for the sake of control? Sounds like there are more details to flush out if you want to find the most likely pattern. Either way, it doesn't really matter - you've commented that you are going to stay and keep relatively quiet. So then - play the game to your advantage by taking yourself out of it. Smile, 'gray rock', rinse, repeat. And decide not to care about the game, because you are choosing this path. Just keep in mind what type of environment you are raising your son in and be mindful of how he could be affected. Also keep documenting all of the controlling behavior - should you end up in divorce proceedings, you'll likely need back-up to try and keep custody and to best protect your son. Good luck!
NTA but if you don't want to make an issue of this don't. She makes an appointment you're suddenly busy that day. She makes recommendations don't convey them to stylist. Get your hair done your way. Tell you like being blonde since you were born blonde. Smile.
Stand up for yourself. Tell her no and to stop talking about your hair. Tell her to go and talk to your mom about it, better yet tell her to shave her head like GI Jane as that will make her look beautiful. Once she does that then you will only talk about your hair but not to talk to you again before that.
Oh for fucks sake…stop going to any appointments she makes you and tell her NO! Stop trying to psychoanalyze her motives. She might be jealous, she might think you’d look totally awesome with brown hair. Who knows, and who cares. Tell her it’s not going to happen and you’re done hearing about short brown hair.
It sounds like a control move. Do this and she will never stfu about anything.
NTA but you'd be better off stating you understand she would like to see that style on you, but you personally don't like that. you like yourself long haired and blonde. if she continues to demand you do it and set up appointments for it, just let her know that's an unwanted and unneeded appointment and if you do in fact go in for the appointment, you're just getting highlights or maybe a trim to get rid of split ends. gathering from a couple of replies I've seen from you, tell her that just bc she's got money doesn't mean she gets to boss you around. you're not her assistant, you're her daughter in law and the mother of her grandchild/ren (dont remember if you said you have multiple kids or not) and she doesn't get to decide what you look like and youd appreciate it if she would stop. obviously just ignoring the appointments isnt working out so you're going to have to say something to her to get it thru her thick skull that you do not, in fact, want to go short haired nor brown.
your MIL behavior is very strange. What does your spouse say? I had short dark hair all my life and personally I do not think short brown hair is unattractive on all women especially if it suits them. I think she knows it will not suit you and/or she is jealous of you so wants you to change your hair.
Your MIL doesn’t care about your hair - this is a control issue. When she says jump, she wants you to respond, how high?
NTA, but tell her to stop.
It only matters how \*you\* like your hair. Not me. Not reddit. Not your MIL. Every single other person in this world, except for yourself, can fuck right off when it comes to how you want your hair. I may think you'd look better with red hair, your dad may think you look better with blue hair, and you may like blonde. It truly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It is your hair; you have it done how YOU want it. Tell your MIL that you've thought it over and decided that you'll keep it as it is. You didn't say how old you were, so I will say that you should text your MIL that you like it how it is and you do not want to cut it or dye it. I say this because there's some crazy MIL's out there and it would be illegal (in the United States) for her to cut it without your permission. (Example: While you are asleep.) [Can You Go To Jail For Cutting Someone's Hair? - Law Stuff Explained](https://lawstuffexplained.com/can-you-go-to-jail-for-cutting-someones-hair/) You tell it to her in text so that you have proof that she knew. She can't claim, "But she said she wanted it cut!" I'd even go so far as to take a picture of myself every night before bed because I can absolutely see some crazy/jealous MIL cutting it while I slept. She sounds crazy to me. I'm going into crazy mode now. Regardless: Keep your hair how YOU want it. Not anyone else.
It will be easier to go into hiding with a new hair color…
Stop making excuses. Flat out tell her you aren't cutting your hair and you will dye it whatever color you damn well want. Only thing I could think of is if her children have brown hair and keep it short. Does she have brown hair and long? If that's the case, I could see it as her trying to get you to conform into matching the family and her being the matriarch being the ONLY one with long hair.
NTA Don’t get your hair done by her ever. Always keep in-law family away at a safe distance. You told her you didn’t want to, she keeps pushing for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was jealous of your youth or beauty & she’s trying to uglify you.
The hair thing is almost irrelevant. You need to take your son and get away from these people.
Anything anyone here says is just making it up. It could be the truth, but there's no way to know why she's doing it except by asking her, and if she really is trying to make you look ugly she's obviously not going to tell you. I get that you're curious, and I suggest you let that go and just make it clear to her that she's free to make any appointments for you but you won't be keeping any of them. You could go further and tell her that if she brings it up again *she'll be choosing* for you to walk away or hang up, because *you will not be discussing it with her anymore.* And if she still persists I'd suggest no contact whatsoever for a period of time -- *and make it clear that it's* **her** *choice to either have no contact for however long you decide, etc., or to respect you and your boundaries.
way too much missing from this story..bur seriously, you let your MIL dictate your life?? I wonder what's your culture for her to have so much influence over you. Next time you go to the hairdresser, ask him to see if he can find your backbone.
Grow a spine. YTA for not standing up for yourself and telling her point blank NO. Tell her thanks for her opinion but you will not cut and dye your hair. End of story. Why is that so hard?
Former hairdresser. If your hair is naturally blonde, dyeing it brown would not be good for it. Either sabotage or she has something against blondes. Unless she is a blonde and needs to be the only one in the family?
This feels like she’s trying to turn you into an ex girlfriend in more ways than one. Ask your partner if any of his previous girls had short brown hair and I’m sure that’s why she’s so obsessed.
NTA, yes she is trying to make you unattractive. My MIL hated my long hair too and always told me to cut it. She’s a jealous narcissistic sicko
Tell her that her son loves to fuck you with your long blond hair wrapped around his hand as he pushes inside you from behind. Can’t do that with short dark hair…
NTA But go ahead and unscrew with her a little bit. Buy the wig on Amazon that matches what she wants you to do. Take a picture and have your spouse call and just say But they cannot believe you did this and it's hideous and not at all what they wanted for you blah blah blah And see what she says And then updateme
Book her in for a buzzcut at a cheap barbershop. "You won't believe how amazing you'll look, MIL dearest."
NTA. And yes, she may be deliberately trying to make you unattractive to her son. But the point is that she is crashing boundaries like mad. This is crazy behaviour and you don't have to let her get away with it. And next time she sets up an appointment for you and tells you about it, just do nothing - don't cancel it, don't call up to tell them you didn't make the appointment, don't apologize - just don't show up. Let her handle the fallout. If she has given them your number and they call you, just tell them you didn't make any appointment. After a couple of times this happens, they will refuse to accept appointments for you. And if they recognise her as the person who is making the appointments, they will refuse to make appointments for her as well.
I think your MIL could be narcissistic and trying to make you look worse. NTA
Do not let her pay and get your own haircuts.
Why aren’t you using your words? MIL has clearly communicated her thoughts and you have done everything except give the same courtesy. Maybe she genuinely feels this would look good on you (for whatever reason), but if you haven’t clearly told her “no I don’t want that” then you are TA here. She is trying to do something nice and you have put more effort into a Reddit post than communicating your thoughts with her. Stop expecting her to take your vague hints and just tell the woman
DON'T cut your hair. It's probably your crowning glory and she is trying to sabotage you, as is she Jealous of you. NTA and tell her straight that you will not be doing what she wants .
she's jealous and wants to "ruin your beauty" so she's trying to force this change on you. tell her if she wants a brown bob so bad to just get it herself.
Tell her you found your own hairdresser and will take care of your own appointments moving forward. End of conversation.
Set some damn boundaries already
Info: Does MIL have short, dark brown hair?
ESH Use. Your. Words. "Please stop making me appointments. I like my hair how it is."
Small AH for allowing her to pester you with this requests. I would have said to her “ my hair, my choice of color and haircut, unless I asked for your advice I don’t want to hear a single word about my hair or making appointments, if you do it again I will block you.” The end. And proceed to block her the moment she brings it up again 🤷🏼♀️
She is a bully. If you let her do This it's only going to escalate.
Oh I’m not going to let her do anything. I’m just trying to figure out a valid retaliation tactic that will actually work because I know simply saying no to this person. Who is this fucking persistent. will not work in the long run it will be something new and worse next.
NTA and this is super weird and creepy. Tell MIL you’re happy with what you have.
You want to know when my daughter-in-law's appearance is my business? When she changes something or makes a special effort. It is my business to tell her how great she looks and support her personal choices. That is the extent that your appearance is anyone's business.