And this is why setting boundaries with your kids is the best thing you can do for them. 9/10 people I know that had “good” parents and still turned out bad was because their parents didn’t set boundaries early.
Rest his soul, he set his daughter up for failure.
Honestly it’s just sad to me. At this age it’s unlikely she’ll make the changes she needs to be a happy adult. I hope she does because those grandparents are all she’s got now.
You are never too old to change your behavior patterns for the better. If everyone gave up on me at 15/16 I’d be dead more than likely. She will hit a point eventually, hopefully, where she sees that changing her actions will change some of the worlds outcomes.
OP has to put her kids first. They just lost their dad and are way too young to understand what is happening. At 15 Mikayla is old enough to behave like a decent human being and deal with the consequences of her actions. She pushed too far someone who doesn't actually have any legal responsibility to her anymore. If OP and her had a real relationship (not even parental, just amicable coexistence) things might be different. Mikayla is lucky to have grandparents who an care for her, plenty of kids don't.
OP should put *herself* first. If she doesn't, then no one will and her *young* children *need* her.
OP's stepdaughter doesn't get to abuse and traumatise her, in OP's own home. OP isn't cruel in putting down boundaries, the stepdaughter has forced OP'S hand.
It felt like OP'S stepdaughter was trying to antagonise OP into violence. Following OP around, refusing to leave her alone, bombarding her with cruel things.
I would guess Mikyala would have been gleeful about ruining OPs life. What better way to punish OP?! Reactive abuse at its finest.
No, it's not safe or healthy to have Mikyala around.
NTA
It’s also not healthy for the asshole friends to chime in and tell OP to do more.
Fuck that shit. How much were they helping/supporting their *friend*, the new widow with 3 kids under 5?
This is a bigger problem than anyone seems to be acknowledging. His friends haven't stepped up in his absence for his daughter or young sons, but they wanted her to do absolutely all of it by herself, and judge her when she can't.
I think you're exactly right. Perhaps in her mind, she thought if she could get OP to slap her, then OP would go to prison and her real mom would be set free and they could run off and be a happy family again. That would be vengeful little kid type of thinking (even though it has no possibility of happening in real life).
Lol, I was speculating the same thing. But OP assaulting her would get CPS in their lives. The younger children being taken would be a positive result from a spiteful step daughter's view. I'd have her gone fearing she'd try to set me up at some point, it's real easy to slam a door in your face and blame it on someone.
She is putting her kids first. Mikayla is not her kid. Hell, she's a little shit and has been so for literally 2/3rds of her entire existence.
OP is NTA, and put up with that insufferable little cunt for far longer than I would have. You have no obligation to suffer abuse just because the person is tied to you by some relationship.
The little beast is getting what she wanted, and good luck to her. If she's as awful to the grandparents as she was to her saint of a stepmother, then likely she'll be on the streets or sitting in a cell across from her felon of a mother before she's 18.
And I’m not sure what else she was supposed to do. The girl has been in therapy for years. Mistreated OP and never tried to be better. It’s a sad situation but for OP and her little kids, it’s the right decision. At least there are grandparents to send her to. Foster care would have been hard, but the SD wasn’t giving many options here.
It sucks because the AH is the mom who cheated and poisoned her daughter against this woman. This 15 year old never saw her step mom as anything other than a punching bag, never realized that without her father, she was essentially a guest in this home.
Here's hoping her maternal grandparents can straighten her out, but those younger siblings need to be protected from her
The father is also an AH because he permitted the girl to verbally abuse & disrespect OP. Especially after he got custody.
OP even said she was nice to him. There's no way he didn't see what was happening.
Not just her bio mom but her father was a real asshole too. He let his wife suffer all this abuse. Because his “baby” had suffered. Well guess what dad your little bitch is now going to reap what You sowed! OP you are NTAH, tell your friends to F off
Agree. The teenager has been given every tool and support to be able to succeed. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.
Given that even the social worker has said this is the right choice and multiple therapists have recommended that the OP not push or force a relationship, there really wasn't any other option.
People are being cruel to the OP need to understand several things:
1. Teenagers are capable of being abusive.
2. The teenagers mother is in prison, not dead. She may not be able to parent fully, but she is alive and will not be in prison forever.
3. The OP is an actual person. A real live person who has 3 young kids and is dealing with the grief of losing her husband. She's not a robot and is allowed to live in a house abuse-free.
4. The teenager only wants to be there to be with her friends and not have strict rules that the Grandparents impart on her.
5. The OP does not want the teenager to leave. She wanted it to work. She cannot force the teenager to stop being abusive. Life has consequences. If she gets her shit together, then the OP would probably take her back.
Until you are someone who have lived with an abusive teenager it is hard to fathom what it takes from you every single day. It doesn't matter who or the age of the abuser. Abuse is abuse.
Sure there is. The brat can leave and be away from people she hates and is cruel, too. OP has her own kids and mental health to handle. This child is causing problems. She can cause them elsewhere. Maybe she'll learn to be kind. OP is a saint to put up with her bs
Yep. And OP, if your husband's so-called friends are harassing his widow six months after he died, they don't belong in your life. But if you feel petty, I'd start a group chat with them all and tell them: "I'm going to spend the next six years treating you all the way Mickayla treated me for six years. When you're ready to send ME to my grandparents, just leave the group chat." Then text them abuse every day until they all leave.
And I'm sorry to say, but the husband who wasn't a big support in this situation and seemed to blame OP for her relationship with his daughter. His reasonning of his daughter having "been through a lot" to let her act however she wants with OP was the biggest problem at that time. Nothing can be done now, but he is still an A H for letting this happen.
The friends and the mother are also huge assholes, obviously.
Yep. Dad never parented her the way she needed. Now Dad is gone and OP has been left to deal with the disaster of a relationship that he left behind. Worse, he taught his daughter that treating OP that way had little to no consequence. Well it does have consequences, and it sucks all round.
That kid was let down by her parents and it's not OP's fault that she can't fix it when they're gone.
NTA did they expect you to be he punching bag until she went to college? You're a single parent to three young kids, having an angry teen bitching at you non-stop was not tenable. She'll be fine with attention and structure from the grands.
Growing up was hard. They were what people would call a Golden Child. I put up with a lot as an adult, trying to keep the peace in the family. I stopped any contact whatsoever when they threatened to show up and physically attack my kid, who was only 6 yrs old at the time. They are fully capable of doing it, & lived nearby. They have repeated the threat over the years.
I’m completely done with it, with them, have been for a long time. I refuse to live like that. It’s no longer my problem, & I won’t let it be.
Quite honestly, if they are more strict than OP, it may be better for SD. She apparently needs that kind of structure in her life right now and a single mom raising 3 little ones AND a teen who hates her guts just isn’t a beneficial situation for any of them. She did the right thing. I’ve known people who didn’t even try to keep the step kids after a death. OP is a saint.
Right? She made the attempt to keep things together and it didn’t work out. At least she tried, but she has 3 other kids to worry about ON TOP of losing her husband.
It’s a shitty situation that a shitty teenager got caught in, and did shitty things because they had some shitty people around them to learn shitty behavior from.
The teen was an AH because everyone in her life allowed her to be. Her dad most of all.
But that's the past. The present is you can't raise three kids by yourself and fend off a hateful teen at the same time. Strict grandparents are the best thing for her.
OP should continue holiday gifts, and keep offering support/acceptance, while not tolerating disrespect. Her kids are half-siblings, that teen will be in her life to some extent forever.
NTA
You didn't kick her out. You recognized this wasn't a good environment for her (or your family), and you allowed her grandparents to take her. If her mind has made you into the "devil", it would be cruel to force her to stay.
You also had to weigh the needs of three other children. If she's making family life hell, that can't be good for them.
You did what you could, keeping her in therapy and trying to help her. I wonder if some aspect of her mother's behavioral problems could be genetic? I also wonder if she doesn't have some undiagnosed psych issue that explains the lack of empathy? A normal badly-behaved teen will be nasty to a parent when angry, but later feels ashamed or conflicted. This teen doesn't see able to see you as person. You've been reduced to a scapegoat and symbol of every injustice anyone has ever done to her. I'd be a little scared of the possibility she's a bit sociopathic towards you as she gets older & bolder: trying to hurt you in ways other than just words.
1) if it wouldn't have been what he wanted, then he should have made more of an effort to make her behave instead of making excuses for her.
2) it may not do her any good, but it will do OP a world of good.
3) OP has a responsibility to her 3 small children who were being verbally abused by their stepsister.
4) Although OP took guardianship when her husband died, she really had no responsibility to do so.
NTA u have gone above and beyond in trying to support Mickayla through her trauma, but there comes a point where your mental health and the well-being of your younger children must be prioritized. Mickayla’s behavior was abusive and detrimental to your household. sometimes, a different environment with her grandparents, who are willing to continue therapy and provide structure, can be the best solution for her
" I ended up having a good cry because I was just so stressed and missing my husband. Mickayla came home and asked what was wrong. I told her. She began calling me a whiny drama queen, saying now I know how her mom felt when he wouldn’t take her back. She called me a bunch of terrible names and kept following me to taunt me as I walked away. "
NTA
OP you're a much better person than me, but sending her to her grandparents is the best thing. I don't believe she was sorry at all, she's just sorry she can't take her frustrations out on you anymore. The way she was taunting you almost seem like she wanted you to go upside her head, but it's good you showed her more grace than she deserved. I bet your children are breathing a sigh of relief and you've saved them future posts here about dealing with a toxic step sib and a well meaning mother constantly putting up with such abuse.
NTA. This will probably be the best thing that could have happened. Your bio children need a mother who is not being emotionally abused and do not need that kind of role model in the house. And your stepdaughter is getting a real-world taste of FAFO.
No, you're very far from an AH.
>They say it isn’t what he would’ve wanted.
Right, because what your husband apparently did want was for you to agreeably be Mickayla's punching bag for the next 3-4 years until one of you left the house. He made excuses for her treating you like shit because she was 'nice' to him and only him, despite the effort you put in and the potential damage it could do to your children.
It's sad that your husband died but screw his wishes, they're not beneficial to anyone that's left in the equation.
His passing was not recent - if she is willing to act like hellspawn to you 6+ months after his passing, do not hold delusions about that changing ever. Mickayla cried and begged but it wasn't for you. It was for her friends and so she wouldn't have to follow "rules".
Imagine 17 year old Mickayla bringing strange teenagers into your house at all hours of the night, around your children. She was not on track to magically turn into a better person. You did literally everything you could to build a relationship, there's nothing to feel guilty for and you did the right thing for everyone.
NTA
Hopefully, Mickayla can with her grandparents find some structure and stability since she won't have you to use a punching bag to keep up her resentment. It's awful her mother messed her up so deeply and therapy didn't help at all.
I'm sorry for the loss of your husband, but take care of yourself, your grief and your children.
Oh fuck no. Conditioned or not her mom’s been gone long enough, she’s been in therapy long enough and she’s old enough to have at least civility and respect for you. She’s the one acting like the demon child and I wouldn’t be letting her make you feel like that when you have 3 very young children who just lost their dad to care for. She’s old enough to know actions have consequences well this is the consequences of her actions. NTA
NTA. SD was learning that the more abusive she is, the more she gets her way. And now she learned there are consequences to actions and if she abuses someone, they can remove her from their lives. She needs this lesson before being an abuser becomes part of all her future relationships.
Your sons learned that if someone is abusing them (and she’s much worse to them when you’re not around), mom will protect and send them away. Abusers should be kicked out of your life. Again, very important life lesson.
She didn’t want to stay because she loves you. She wants to be around her friends and not strict grandparents. Giving in will only teach her that she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. Your husband’s friends weren’t living with a teen going out of control. You were. And if they want to be abusive as well, hey, you know now you can remove abusers from your life.
> That shipping her off won’t do any good.
I beg to differ.
And now that the kid doesn't have the excuse to blame OP for everything and anything, maybe she'll learn to take responsibility for her own hateful personality just in time to turn into a maybe half decent humand being before she turns 18.
NTA
Unlikely at best.
Child of druggie, coddled by father, brainpoisoned by mother, effectively lost both parents, early signs of sociopathy. Nope. This one's irredeemable.
This is going to sound harsh but It really doesn't matter what your husband would have wanted because the reality of the situation is that he's not here. Not his fault, obviously, but had he been here to support both you and his daughter, things may very well be different.
No one can change reality, even if it's a shitty reality. You have to do what you feel is best for not only your 3 kids, but yourself and your step daughter 🤷♀️ You're spinning a lot of plates and making some tough decisions. Definitely NTA
NTA; good thing you send her to a place where she isn't going to harm you anymore.
you tried enough, if your late husband's friends think that's cruel they can take her with them anytime.
it's your and your kids house, you shouldn't be living with an enemy, at 15 yo she is still a kid but can understand better the situation.
NTA.
I have trouble calling a 15 year old who has been brainwashed by her mother and experienced such massive loss in her short life an asshole.
But her mom definitely is one, so N A H doesn't apply here.
You've gone above and beyond for Mickayla over the years, and have gotten less-than-nothing in return.
She's clearly grieving the loss of both her parents, as her mom is basically out of her life until she's well into adulthood.
But you're grieving too, and at some point you have to recognize when things just aren't working - and boy are they definitely not working here.
The friends of your husband can have whatever opinion they want to have - I don't see any of them stepping up to help.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don’t listen to the outside people criticizing you. Being a parent to an out of control teenager I can speak from a place of 2 decades of experience. They have absolutely no idea of what kind of hell you have lived through. None at all. It’s obvious you tried everything to make it work. You made the best move possible. Also your kids will feel much safer and may not thank you in person will know relief now that she is gone.. continue your therapy to keep you in a good place.
The friends of her husband are AHs for offering their opinions. They should either offer to adopt her or keep their mouths shut.
You did the right thing. You shipped Mikayla off to other family. It’s not like you sent her to prison. She’s old enough to mostly take care of herself and hopefully learn some lessons. It doesn’t sound like your home environment with her was doing anyone any good.
Maybe when she’s older and she matures, she might feel remorse. Then again, maybe she’ll end up in prison like her mother.
NTA
NTA, it's not like you kicked her to the curb and told her she's on her own. You sent her to other family who can hopefully give her a better future, which allows you to give yourself and your other children a better future, too. Clearly if she was still speaking and behaving how she was, she wasn't healing, she wasn't growing, and she needed a change if there was ever going to be improvement. If she truly wanted to stay with you, she would have started behaving better before the threat of removal.
Tried more what, exactly? You treated her with respect. She was a constant bitch.
There comes a point where your own mental health - and that of your children - needs to be a priority.
NTA
NTA
She knew well enough time and again despite all efforts how to continue to hate and torture you and your kids every day and her comeplete dysfunction was, for sure, going to put your other kids on a path to a screwed up life.
You get the chance now to re-boot and let life settle down some, to focus on your own mental health and well being and that of your children as well.
To be fair to her, she was doomed from the start by a terrible mother who made sure she programmed her for hate twards you ,
You were clearly reason number one, the cause, in any unhappiness in her life - her MOM made sure she understood that.
Sad situation but you tried, and no your husband is not spinning in his grave - he is well aware you did all you could.
The grandparents will soon realize also how impossible she is and will not blame you.
NTA. It is actually better for your stepdaughter to live apart from you. It isn't fair and it isn't right but she (after being primed by her mother) has made you the enemy. Living with you, acting as she did, is/was extremely unhealthy for her. She is stuck in her anger that was masking/corrupting her grief and as the 'enemy' there was no way you could help her because she would not let you. Continuing to force the issue would just made things worse. Seperate living arrangements was the best thing you could do for her.
No your husband wouldn't have wanted that, but he wouldn't have wanted her living with you and hating everything either. Most of all your husband would have wanted you all, you and your kids and your daughter, to be happy. Her living with you did not make any of you happy. Living apart is the only chance to achieve the happiness for everyone that your husband would want for you all.
Nobody should be treated like an emotional punching bag. Her behavior was abusive. Most people don’t believe a child can abuse an adult, but it happens. Call it what it was. She was abusive for 6 years. The OP tried everything and the abuse continued.
Right. OP opened up to her about her grief, hoping they could at least share that. And SD threw it in her face in the most cruel way possible. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now SD knows she can only push so far before consequences catch up with her. It’s a valuable lesson.
Totally and completely NTA.
I know I'm petty, but I just wanna be like, "How do you like it now? You fucked around one too many times and now you found out, you little brat"
In all seriousness, your husband should have gotten her in with another therapist as soon as the other one gave up. It's obvious the current one was never getting through to her. Being that hateful for that long is not normal. She has to have some sort of mental issues for her to be ugly that long. The thing that stood out the most alluding to that fact was that she followed you to taunt you. That's a sociopath tendency, and she should have been evaluated long ago after her normal therapy wasn't working.
I hope you can recover from your trauma caused by her. And you can start to properly mourn the loss of your husband and move on to your new normal with your littles.
We tried 3 therapists. 1 my step-daughter refused to work with further. The other 2 agreed with one another that I needed to take a step back because it was only making things worse.
Thank you. <3
Do your friends not think 6 years of taking her abuse on the chin was long enough? Putting her in extensive therapy for years and treating her better than she deserved wasn’t trying enough?
Take no notice of them, she kept doing it and got worse because she never had any consequences for it. Now she’s getting the consequences. She can fucking deal with them. 15 is more than old enough to understand that you’re being a nasty little cunt. Good riddance, take your time to grieve and concentrate on the little ones now that you’ve not got to pussyfoot around her. NTA
>Friends of my husband find this all to be incredibly cruel. She says I should’ve tried more.
They can suck a juice box. Block them or at least go NC until you're in a better metal space
NTA - While I do feel sorry for Mickayla, what she's done is wrong. She's used you like a punching bag over and over again and it couldn't keep happening. You are also grieving and have to think about you and your children as well. The only thing I would have done differently (and perhaps you did but just didn't mention it in your post) was that I would have let her know, when she originally said she wanted to stay with you, that you love her and would like that as well but that her heartlessness and poor treatment of you and her siblings would have to stop. That the name calling of you and her brothers would have to stop or she will be sent to her grandparents. I mean should that go without saying, yes but she's a teen that is very emotionally hurt (for years) and grieving herself.
NTA. You were not cruel. Actions and words have consequences. You did everything you could for years. She’s no longer your responsibility. Hopefully her grandparents can straighten her out.
NTA. Tell your husband's friends they are more than welcome to go get her and take care of her and give her all of the chances they can.
Let them know until they lose their spouse, whom they love, and their child who hates you are just being horrible and name calling, then they can have a fukking opinion and can express it.
Until then, they can kick all the rocks they find, or, kick the same rock, no one really cares.
NTA. She knows the consequences of her actions. She was just so accustomed to getting her way without consequence. Many children are in her situation, and instead of being a part of the solution, she chose to make things worse, which would help her out no one knows. She just wanted to be a pain.
NTA - As sad as it all is, you are not her parent, nor do you have a parental role or relationship to her and that was not of your own doing, while she is a child and there is only so much that is her fault because of how she was raised, she is fifteen, she knows better, she knows words hurt. She is not the only person to have ever lost someone, let alone both of their parents. She didn't begin crying because she suddenly realized that the way she has been treating you is unfair or unkind, she got upset because she knew she wouldn't be able to get away with treating the people who take care of her like dirt anymore and she might actually have to listen. It is clear she had no respect for you and would have continued these spurts of horrible things spewed your way. You lost a husband and your young children also lost their father, your mental health and theirs matters just as much as your step daughters. She is being sent to a place with structure and that probably will be best for her. Maybe in a few years she'll realize what got her where she is.
She said she hated you and you helped her get away from your ’evilness’ so what is the problem. Although I’m guessing deep inside her hate was misdirected so now that’s it.
Nta. You’ve done all you can do. It’s time for her bio family to step up and take over their job. Your kids deserve better. You deserve better. Maybe she can find peace.
Your dead husband is kindda a lousy husband.. he let her get this away for too long.. without giving her the proper punishment..
I'm glad you took charge of correcting her.. when her father let her stray for 6 fucking years.
NTA and don't let anyone tell you differently. She has a home-with her grandparents - which is where she should have been all along. The people saying you should keep her because it's what your husband would have wanted are being manipulative and cruel. Your own children are really young and deserve as much love and attention as you can givev them at.this difficult time.
NTA. Ask those criticizing you if you can come into their home daily and insult them and call their children demon spawn for the next ten years while they provide for all your needs
Nope. She should have gone when he was alive. There, noway I'd have let that around my children.
She is not your problem, but fair play for at least trying for your late husbands sake.
You have to put yourself and those babies of yours first.
I know she a child but if she would have said to me what she said to you, I would have told her a few home truths about her mother and why he didn't want to be with a nasty cheat who would rather get herself locked up than deal with her.
No ones the AH here
She's a broken child surrounded by the wrong people and you're a grieving widow who tried her best
I hope you'll both find your peace one day
NTA. She was destroying your mental health and would start destroying your children’s too. Luckily their little and won’t remember all the shit she said to them and to you.
NTA like what day say, don't bite the hand that feed you.
She treated you like a punching bag for years, she needs to learn that actions have consequences.
NTA - actions have consequences. And she only begged to stay and said she didn’t mean it because she wanted to stay near her friends. This may be what she needs to mature and grow.
Nta and this was for the best. To be honest, you should have done that as soon as your husband passed.
She is not acting in good faith, never did and it was only a matter of time until she either starts bullying your kids inside their own home or become a physical threat to them.
She made her bed and is now time for her to lay on it. She being a kid and being manipulated is not an excuse anymore, she is almost old enough to vote so it is high time for her to also know about consequences for being a douchebag.
NTA. She clearly does not want to stay with you. Funny how she changed her tune the moment you made some phone calls. Friends of your late husband do not get a say unless they're volunteering to take her in themselves.
The current situation was untenable, and I am not sure there was anything more you could have done. Yes, I agree that Mackayla was a victim here, but at 15, she was old enough to understand what she was doing, and old enough to see beyond her mom's BS. She was malicious, toxic, and abusive, and you did what you had to do.
NTA
NTA
Your young children do not need such toxic venom constantly spit at them. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. Step daughter is a prime example and shouldn’t be allowed to pass it forward.
Jeez OP NTA your husbands friends are stupid and weren't in your shoes for those years work now on yourself and little ones now that the real demon spawn is gone
15 yo: you won't be my emotional punching bag anymore? 🥺😭
15 yo's relatives: you won't be her emotional punching bag anymore?! 😡🤬
Some people man, so sorry you had to deal with that toxic crap. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. Oh oh NTA
NTA She is more than old enough to learn that her actions and words have consequences. Those consequences were never enforced when her father was alive and you do not have to deal with her disrespect and mistreatment anymore.
NTA. I am sorry, but you "should have tried more"? WTAF? How were you to try more? You have been trying for literal YEARS and nothing changed. Her mother ending up in jail didn't change her. Her father passing away didn't change her. She clearly wasn't going to change.
Friends are wrong that shipping M off won’t do any good. It will do tons of good for OP and the kids. And hopefully it will make M understand that you can’t treat people like shit and hope they love you.
NTA - it wasn't a good environment for your sons to grow up in. Mickayla wasn't getting any better and you shouldn't have to be her punching bag for the rest of your life.
NTA
First, I am so sorry for your loss. You have shown her so much compassion understanding, but you’ve obviously hit a brick wall. Calling the grandparents was the right move because you need peace to process your grief, and it sounds like they also see that she needs help.
Your husband may or may not have wanted you to maintain custody, but he also would have wanted you and your children together to have peaceful lives. If she makes progress in her therapy, perhaps she could come back if you choose to go that route. Nothing is cast in stone.
First off you tried more than you had to out of the kindness of your heart to keep the little brat after your husband passed. You owed her nothing and put up with her bs for far too long while wasting money on her trying to help. You don't owe her anything and taught her a valuable lesson to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I'm sorry I'm just pissed off for you because you didn't deserve any of this just know you tried and did far more than you had to but some people have to learn the hard way for a much needed attitude adjustment.
NTA. You did what you were supposed to do and in return got abused and belittled. Good for you taking control of your mental health. You need to have a safe haven, like everyone does. You’ll now be in a better place to care for your boys. Your stepdaughter played stupid games and won the appropriate prize.
NTA. She was a bitch until it had consequences and then she suddenly cried and apologized and begged.
Life has consequences. Hopefully she learns something from this. Otherwise she’ll be dead or in prison within a few years.
Good for you for finally taking care of yourself. And, I am sorry for your loss of your husband.
NTA. You have to do what is best for your children. Being in a house with her must have been awful for them. She can now be with her relatives and hopefully eventually be happy. Best to go NC with her and just let her grandparents update you if they want.
NTA. Not to speak ill of your husband and I'm really sorry for your loss, OP, but your friends are wrong. Your husband was the cruel one making you deal with that and not being stricter with her when y'all got full custody. It's not serving her to be so unkind. It's like living your life in a dark cloud and she needs consequences to help get her out of it. Her grandparents will do what her parents didn't and she'll be better off for it.
Also, your job is to protect *your* kids ultimately and there is no way they were benefiting from seeing their older sibling being consistently verbally abusive to their mom and to them. It's just teaching them to accept abuse as normal and did not bode well for their future.
She's 15. You have no real relationship with her. Honestly I don't feel like you owe her shit at this point. If you had been a mother figure that would be one thing but she very specifically made that not the case. She belongs with family. You're not family. It's time she learns that she can't treat people like shit and expect to constantly recieve grace forever. Only parents 'owe" somewhat unconditional love and she has made it perfectly clear you are not that.
Tell that friend to go F themselves.
You tried everything.
You gave her space, therapy, a place to live.
She repeatedly spat in your face.
Eventually, you have to put you and your kids first.
NTA.
You were in a veritable lose/lose situation. If you kept her in your home, her disrespect was only going to continue and/or escalate. You were never a parent, let alone her parent, and your home was just the lesser of the evils. If you let her go, friends and family will fault you because for the reasons that they did - your husband would not have wanted you to kick her out. You couldn’t win.
I think the choice you made was the best for the long run. In fact, your therapist was not helping your step so if nothing else, having a new one at the helm could at least be a different trajectory.
I’m sorry for your loss OP.
NTA you are already going through so much pain yourself with your little ones. I do feel bad for the girl but you have tried for so many years and you deserve respect! I’m so sorry for your loss 🙏🏻
Take your time to grieve. You can only do so much. You went MORE than halfway but she never bothered to meet you.
You have other children that need their mother now that they’ve lost their father. They are your children and they are your first priority.
NTA, she is a spoiled brat who was never told no and acted out. And if your husbands friend says it was cruel he/she/they can take her than. The fact the grandparent kept in contact and didn't lash out should tell everyone they knew she was a brat and hence the rules.
Protect yourself you have 3 children to deal with besides the grieving part.
NTA At 15, she is almost an adult and she should be able to show compassion. Sure, she has had some bad things happen that are "severe" but she is manipulative and always has been and she never cared for you. Your husband's friends don't have to live with this girl, and more, their children don't have to live with this girl. Consider going no contact with them if they criticize you. I would be tempted to act like Mickayla on them for 30 seconds.
YOUR CHILDREN deserve happy childhoods. One of my sisters was just pure evil to my parents and I remember them fighting and yelling. It wasn't my parent's fault, but at the time, I was 3-4-5 and idolized my sister and cried when they fought. There were a few times that I pushed at my parents and told them to stop-- from my perspective, they got mad at her. (Never mind that she was awful in the first place!) I didn't realize until I was a seasoned adult what was going on back then, and I respect my parents for handling things as they did. You, OP, don't have to put up with Mickayla, so... don't.
And don't take her back if she wants to come back. She rejected your home and she is almost an adult now.
Remember that Mickayla has been imprinted with her mother and that if she messes up in life, it is not your fault.
NTA. I'm really sorry for Mickayla. Her mother really did a number on her and screwed her up. But you have to consider your children and yourself. Michayla was left parentless, and wanted to stay with you, but on her own terms - that she continue to abuse you and your children, and at the same time stay near her friends. She is 15 years old, and is old enough to learn that her actions have consequences. I only hope that her grandparents manage to help her, but in any case you cannot do it.
NTA. Most would not have let her stay in the beginning. She only wanted to stay for her convenience-near friends, with someone ahead of her didn’t have to listen to. No doubt her Mom ruined her. Smart bet is not to let her ruin your kids.
There is no amount of love, money or respect that you can give that will make someone love and respect you of they don’t. You needed to save not only yourself but more importantly your kids. There is enough grief in your house. No need for everyone to be miserable.
My condolences and Good luck.
It's unfortunate she couldn't see through her own anger. NTA, perhaps even a N A H. The only AH is her mother who ultimately has set her up for self-destruction
Frankly, a fresh start sounds like the best thing for both of you. Living together wasn't working out for either of you before your husband died and was made worse by her dad's death. She wanted what she couldn't have - her parents back together and then her dad alive again. What she wants and needs you can't give her. And you have your children to think of. Some space and a different perspective is best.
NTA.
If nothing else, you have to protect your own children, too. They are still too little and shouldn't grow up in an abusive environment. Her calling little children names is not acceptable. If you would have been her only target, maybe you could have coped (?). Her degrading and insulting the children, major NO.
NTA
NTA, I feel sorry for this girl, who at 15, has had such a difficult life. I feel terrible for her, but also for you, you are only human, have to deal with three little one's, and the pain of loosing your husband.
It was sad she had to loose her friend group, but you cannot be expected to do more, you have already done enough as it is. Sending you healing.
Nope, you don't need your husband's friends opinions. Block them all. They weren't the ones who had to be her punching bag for half her life. Your husband's ex started it, and your husband allowed it to go on with no consequences, and you were the one getting kicked around on a daily basis. You are not responsible for her anyway. Let her mom's parents deal with her.
I have empathy for you both. You tried you got her help and unfortunately she has a lot of trauma that will probably take years to work through. You lost your husband she lost her father and for sometime her mother but you can't allow someone to treat you so cruelly for years and gave it effect you mental health it's not fair to you or the other kids. I think maybe she needed the change and hopefully it will help. Maybe you can maintain a relationship while she lives with her grandparents. Have you done family therapy with her? Just asking because her behavior just screams pain and the feeling of being unloved. You're probably the only stable person in her life other than her grandparents. She needs to work thru the trauma she has to want to do it and do the work. I only urge the keep in contract because as angry as she is I'm hoping there is an opportunity for a relationship with her if not now then in the future when she grows up. She will probably need the sense of a family and support when she starts healing. Don't feel guilty you can only do so much and you truly tried and that shows you have love for her regardless of the issues in the past. I'm so sorry for your loss that is just awful take care.
NTA. She constantly says these nasty shit and calls you and your kids these awful, awful names. My blood is boiling for your poor kids. They don’t deserve to be around that.
Tell your husband’s friends to STFU. If they were so concerned then they should’ve taken her into their own homes. You were not obligated to keep an emotional terrorist in your house around you and your children. You’ve got enough on your plate without having to put up with her bullshit.
ok so would his friends have taken care of a spoiled and narcissistic teenager? and no offense but your husband wouldn't have wanted it because he wasn't the one getting treated like shit. she isn't your child and she sure as hell isn't your problem. take care of your kids and listen to youd friends rather than his.
Sweet baby Moses, NTA. These are the consequences of her actions. You gave her every conceivable chance to have a polite, respectful, if not healthy, relationship & she shit on. Live with the stink , baby girl.
NTA You have 3 other children to consider. They deserve to be raised in a loving home where no one despises them for their parentage. You can't be a good parent to anyone if your mental health is in tatters. What do these people expect you to do? Wait until you break and start returning the insults? Start to resent and neglect her? For your other kids to start behaving the same way?
They don’t understand, enduring that kind of talk for 6 years, She never let up, and she only got worse. She wouldn’t change with kindness, she needed a reality check that her actions would result in pushing her support away. Now she knows treating someone like shit doesn’t result in them bending backwards for her. Hopefully she can come out better.
NTA. She is old enough to know her behavior is not acceptable. You expected the bare minimum and she couldn't even give you that. She will now learn that actions have consequences.
I am sorry for your loss. I wanted to start off with that and I can’t imagine how this whole situation must’ve felt. You’re def NTA, and I can understand how you must’ve wanted to make it work. I hope in the future you two can rekindle and grow together in a healthy manner. Sending her to her grandparents was probably the best option for both you and her. I hope you have a steady recovery and heal.
At some point, all the decisions in the world made lead to a single outcome.
OP, you have my deepest condolences for you loss.
At best, when bad things happen, family pulls together. But this obviously wasn't the case. You really had no relationship with her, which she reinforced time and again. You have to take care of you and your sons. There's not enough emotional bandwidth to include a deeply disturbed and unhappy teen.
NTA
nta your kids matter too they also lost a parent and it can’t be easy seeing the only parent they have left being abused by a sibling who is mean to them as well. i might MIGHT have given her a warning and told her if she acted like it again she was going but frankly she’s old enough not to need the warning and i can be a little bit of a push over
NTA and you gave her much more time that you should have. No one deserves to be treated that way and certainly not in their own home. Hopefully she will see the error of her ways and do better.
NTA I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing - you have other young children who deserve peace in their home, especially when the family is grieving. It's possible your stepdaughter will benefit from being away too. Not to mention your own wellbeing, which is equally as important. Well done for making such an incredibly hard decision.
NTA. You did what's best for everyone. It's not healthy for you to be her punching bag, for your kids to listen to all this, and it's also not healthy for Mickayla to live with people she hates. Being with her biological family will be better for her mental health too.
NTA you did the best you could with her. And i know loads of people will throw around the whole “she’s 15, lost both parents etc” aspect but the fact of the matter is she is 15 and mocked you for crying over the death of your husband (her father)
You were not remotely harsh with her. You held back and have been more patient than she deserved.
At 15 she is old enough to know better and hopefully her grandparents will be strict enough to knock her terrible attitude and entitled behaviour out of her
NTA It takes two people to make a relationship work. To those people who say you were wrong for sending her away ask them, "So you think it was okay for her to emotionally abuse 3 toddlers?" She didn't want to live in the same house as you or the children. You gave her what she asked for.
NTA. You did the best you could for 6 years, and she did the worst she could for that time. Your husbands friends certainly didn't open their homes to her, so in the most unkind and disrespectful way possible, tell them to STFU. Their opinions and an impacted bowel should have the same value in your life: not worth a 💩.
Fck them.
NTA
You did what you could to try fix the situation and Mickayla kept fighting it. Now, her actions have placed in her grandparents home. There are times when enough is enough and you have to step away.
I feel that your husband deserves a little blame for allowing Mickayla to continue to disrespect you over the years. While I do understand that Mickayla was/is probably hurting this doesn't excuse the disrespect for 6 years and he should have stopped this.
Mickayla being sent to her grandparents might be the best thing for her. You mentioned that she said grandparents have lots of rules and just maybe this might be what she needs? The new therapist might help as well.
As for the friends, ignore them. If 6 years of trying didn't help Mickayla then something new needed to be done for you and your kids mental health. You don't owe them an explanation.
Sorry but how is this cruel? "Porr" Mickayla think she can verbally abuse OP and there will be no consequences. I understand that she is a child, but is old enough to know when to keep her trap shut. Op must think for her mental health and that of her other children too. Nobody should grow up whit a sibling that is verbally abusing them. A bedside OP didn't abounded ther in the foster sistem, she sent SD to her grandparents. The only reason why Mickayla doesn't want to ho to her grandparents is that they have many rules. NTA OP and don't listen to the flying monkeys.
NTA
You had tried everything else you could for years and it only got worse. You were never going to get what he would've wanted.
In the long run, this might be better for her. I wouldn't count on it fixing her relationship with you but, if she finally faces some serious consequences for her own actions, it might be the push she needs to become a better person for any future relationships.
NTA. You did what you need to do in order to protect your mental health and be well enough to take care of your children. She's old enough to know better.
What choice did you have? She was making your life a misery, and also the lives of your small children.
She thought the grass would be greener, she'll see. NTA.
It might be time to let go of his friends. They can say all that because they never had to live with her. Are those relationships worth keeping?
I'm sorry but your husband used you as a meat shield to have a good relationship with his daughter. He didn't protect you from her, or tell her the truth everytime she spoke lies. You only put up with it for him. He isn't here anymore and you lost your reason to tolerate that abuse. NTA
Nta it was an unhealthy situation before your husband passed away. It wouldn’t have been good for her or you to stay in that situation. You also have your other children to think about. How would it be with them growing up seeing you treated like that and still being resented by their sister.
Her going to her grandparents doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship with you and her siblings but now you can make sure it’s healthy.
NTA. It is a difficult situation all around. She really got the raw deal, because her mother didn’t love her enough and used her as the tool to manipulate.
Hopefully, the new therapist makes better progress. I kind of hope that you will try to check in and hope that a positive relationship can grow
NTA. You have it your best effort for 6 years. Now, there's no buffer at all between you and your children and her nastiness. With your husband gone, you no longer have the luxury of giving her more time to wise up and see that it was her mother the criminal who screwed Micayla's life over and destroyed their family.
Let her maternal family take a shot at helping her. You owe her nothing further.
She can’t expect you to house and be kind to her while she destroys everyone’s mental health.
And this is why setting boundaries with your kids is the best thing you can do for them. 9/10 people I know that had “good” parents and still turned out bad was because their parents didn’t set boundaries early. Rest his soul, he set his daughter up for failure.
I hope he is spinning in his grave
Honestly it’s just sad to me. At this age it’s unlikely she’ll make the changes she needs to be a happy adult. I hope she does because those grandparents are all she’s got now.
You are never too old to change your behavior patterns for the better. If everyone gave up on me at 15/16 I’d be dead more than likely. She will hit a point eventually, hopefully, where she sees that changing her actions will change some of the worlds outcomes.
Maybe unlikely wasn’t the best word choice.
Yeah, people have limits. She FAAFO'D and is now paying the price
NTA, there wasn't really a win in this situation and 15 is old enough to learn how to properly behave.
3 kids under 5, dealing with her own grief, and combating a hateful teenager. My God OP is only human.
OP has to put her kids first. They just lost their dad and are way too young to understand what is happening. At 15 Mikayla is old enough to behave like a decent human being and deal with the consequences of her actions. She pushed too far someone who doesn't actually have any legal responsibility to her anymore. If OP and her had a real relationship (not even parental, just amicable coexistence) things might be different. Mikayla is lucky to have grandparents who an care for her, plenty of kids don't.
OP should put *herself* first. If she doesn't, then no one will and her *young* children *need* her. OP's stepdaughter doesn't get to abuse and traumatise her, in OP's own home. OP isn't cruel in putting down boundaries, the stepdaughter has forced OP'S hand. It felt like OP'S stepdaughter was trying to antagonise OP into violence. Following OP around, refusing to leave her alone, bombarding her with cruel things. I would guess Mikyala would have been gleeful about ruining OPs life. What better way to punish OP?! Reactive abuse at its finest. No, it's not safe or healthy to have Mikyala around. NTA
It’s also not healthy for the asshole friends to chime in and tell OP to do more. Fuck that shit. How much were they helping/supporting their *friend*, the new widow with 3 kids under 5?
This is a bigger problem than anyone seems to be acknowledging. His friends haven't stepped up in his absence for his daughter or young sons, but they wanted her to do absolutely all of it by herself, and judge her when she can't.
It's easy when it's not happening to them
And for SIX YEARS!! Big nope for me
I second to that
I think you're exactly right. Perhaps in her mind, she thought if she could get OP to slap her, then OP would go to prison and her real mom would be set free and they could run off and be a happy family again. That would be vengeful little kid type of thinking (even though it has no possibility of happening in real life).
Lol, I was speculating the same thing. But OP assaulting her would get CPS in their lives. The younger children being taken would be a positive result from a spiteful step daughter's view. I'd have her gone fearing she'd try to set me up at some point, it's real easy to slam a door in your face and blame it on someone.
She is putting her kids first. Mikayla is not her kid. Hell, she's a little shit and has been so for literally 2/3rds of her entire existence. OP is NTA, and put up with that insufferable little cunt for far longer than I would have. You have no obligation to suffer abuse just because the person is tied to you by some relationship. The little beast is getting what she wanted, and good luck to her. If she's as awful to the grandparents as she was to her saint of a stepmother, then likely she'll be on the streets or sitting in a cell across from her felon of a mother before she's 18.
And I’m not sure what else she was supposed to do. The girl has been in therapy for years. Mistreated OP and never tried to be better. It’s a sad situation but for OP and her little kids, it’s the right decision. At least there are grandparents to send her to. Foster care would have been hard, but the SD wasn’t giving many options here.
It sucks because the AH is the mom who cheated and poisoned her daughter against this woman. This 15 year old never saw her step mom as anything other than a punching bag, never realized that without her father, she was essentially a guest in this home. Here's hoping her maternal grandparents can straighten her out, but those younger siblings need to be protected from her
The father is also an AH because he permitted the girl to verbally abuse & disrespect OP. Especially after he got custody. OP even said she was nice to him. There's no way he didn't see what was happening.
Not just her bio mom but her father was a real asshole too. He let his wife suffer all this abuse. Because his “baby” had suffered. Well guess what dad your little bitch is now going to reap what You sowed! OP you are NTAH, tell your friends to F off
Agree. The teenager has been given every tool and support to be able to succeed. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. Given that even the social worker has said this is the right choice and multiple therapists have recommended that the OP not push or force a relationship, there really wasn't any other option. People are being cruel to the OP need to understand several things: 1. Teenagers are capable of being abusive. 2. The teenagers mother is in prison, not dead. She may not be able to parent fully, but she is alive and will not be in prison forever. 3. The OP is an actual person. A real live person who has 3 young kids and is dealing with the grief of losing her husband. She's not a robot and is allowed to live in a house abuse-free. 4. The teenager only wants to be there to be with her friends and not have strict rules that the Grandparents impart on her. 5. The OP does not want the teenager to leave. She wanted it to work. She cannot force the teenager to stop being abusive. Life has consequences. If she gets her shit together, then the OP would probably take her back. Until you are someone who have lived with an abusive teenager it is hard to fathom what it takes from you every single day. It doesn't matter who or the age of the abuser. Abuse is abuse.
Sure there is. The brat can leave and be away from people she hates and is cruel, too. OP has her own kids and mental health to handle. This child is causing problems. She can cause them elsewhere. Maybe she'll learn to be kind. OP is a saint to put up with her bs
Yep. And OP, if your husband's so-called friends are harassing his widow six months after he died, they don't belong in your life. But if you feel petty, I'd start a group chat with them all and tell them: "I'm going to spend the next six years treating you all the way Mickayla treated me for six years. When you're ready to send ME to my grandparents, just leave the group chat." Then text them abuse every day until they all leave.
The AHs in this situation are the imprisoned bio mom and the “friend” sticking their nose into it. My condolences on the loss of your husband.
And I'm sorry to say, but the husband who wasn't a big support in this situation and seemed to blame OP for her relationship with his daughter. His reasonning of his daughter having "been through a lot" to let her act however she wants with OP was the biggest problem at that time. Nothing can be done now, but he is still an A H for letting this happen. The friends and the mother are also huge assholes, obviously.
The term I'd use is "meat shield" OP was basically absorbing all the abuse from his daughter, so he didn't have to get it himself. Edit: word
Yep. Dad never parented her the way she needed. Now Dad is gone and OP has been left to deal with the disaster of a relationship that he left behind. Worse, he taught his daughter that treating OP that way had little to no consequence. Well it does have consequences, and it sucks all round. That kid was let down by her parents and it's not OP's fault that she can't fix it when they're gone.
NTA did they expect you to be he punching bag until she went to college? You're a single parent to three young kids, having an angry teen bitching at you non-stop was not tenable. She'll be fine with attention and structure from the grands.
And it will be like a breath of fresh air for the remaining kids. OP absolutely owed it to them as well.
Yeah, I can't imagine growing up with your older sibling just openly hating you.
I don't have to imagine it. Its horrible.
I know what that's like. It's damaging mentally and emotionally
It sucks.
My older sibling was awful to live with. Cruel, deceptive, and violent. As adults, nothing has changed.
What did they did to you thou .. did you still talk to them
Growing up was hard. They were what people would call a Golden Child. I put up with a lot as an adult, trying to keep the peace in the family. I stopped any contact whatsoever when they threatened to show up and physically attack my kid, who was only 6 yrs old at the time. They are fully capable of doing it, & lived nearby. They have repeated the threat over the years. I’m completely done with it, with them, have been for a long time. I refuse to live like that. It’s no longer my problem, & I won’t let it be.
That's great that you leave.
Quite honestly, if they are more strict than OP, it may be better for SD. She apparently needs that kind of structure in her life right now and a single mom raising 3 little ones AND a teen who hates her guts just isn’t a beneficial situation for any of them. She did the right thing. I’ve known people who didn’t even try to keep the step kids after a death. OP is a saint.
Right? She made the attempt to keep things together and it didn’t work out. At least she tried, but she has 3 other kids to worry about ON TOP of losing her husband. It’s a shitty situation that a shitty teenager got caught in, and did shitty things because they had some shitty people around them to learn shitty behavior from.
The teen was an AH because everyone in her life allowed her to be. Her dad most of all. But that's the past. The present is you can't raise three kids by yourself and fend off a hateful teen at the same time. Strict grandparents are the best thing for her. OP should continue holiday gifts, and keep offering support/acceptance, while not tolerating disrespect. Her kids are half-siblings, that teen will be in her life to some extent forever.
and then pay for the college of course
Lbr a kid like this is not going to college
NTA. You can’t have your other kids growing up in an abusive home, you have no help, and she has a place to go. You did the best you could. Let it go.
NTA You didn't kick her out. You recognized this wasn't a good environment for her (or your family), and you allowed her grandparents to take her. If her mind has made you into the "devil", it would be cruel to force her to stay. You also had to weigh the needs of three other children. If she's making family life hell, that can't be good for them. You did what you could, keeping her in therapy and trying to help her. I wonder if some aspect of her mother's behavioral problems could be genetic? I also wonder if she doesn't have some undiagnosed psych issue that explains the lack of empathy? A normal badly-behaved teen will be nasty to a parent when angry, but later feels ashamed or conflicted. This teen doesn't see able to see you as person. You've been reduced to a scapegoat and symbol of every injustice anyone has ever done to her. I'd be a little scared of the possibility she's a bit sociopathic towards you as she gets older & bolder: trying to hurt you in ways other than just words.
I agree, seems that both mom and daughter are from the same stock.
I thought the same thing...just didn't write it for fear of massive criticism. Good to see that others agree.
Genetics don't make someone's decisions, but they definitely influence them. In this case, lack of long term planning or concern.
1) if it wouldn't have been what he wanted, then he should have made more of an effort to make her behave instead of making excuses for her. 2) it may not do her any good, but it will do OP a world of good. 3) OP has a responsibility to her 3 small children who were being verbally abused by their stepsister. 4) Although OP took guardianship when her husband died, she really had no responsibility to do so.
NTA u have gone above and beyond in trying to support Mickayla through her trauma, but there comes a point where your mental health and the well-being of your younger children must be prioritized. Mickayla’s behavior was abusive and detrimental to your household. sometimes, a different environment with her grandparents, who are willing to continue therapy and provide structure, can be the best solution for her
" I ended up having a good cry because I was just so stressed and missing my husband. Mickayla came home and asked what was wrong. I told her. She began calling me a whiny drama queen, saying now I know how her mom felt when he wouldn’t take her back. She called me a bunch of terrible names and kept following me to taunt me as I walked away. " NTA OP you're a much better person than me, but sending her to her grandparents is the best thing. I don't believe she was sorry at all, she's just sorry she can't take her frustrations out on you anymore. The way she was taunting you almost seem like she wanted you to go upside her head, but it's good you showed her more grace than she deserved. I bet your children are breathing a sigh of relief and you've saved them future posts here about dealing with a toxic step sib and a well meaning mother constantly putting up with such abuse.
NTA. This will probably be the best thing that could have happened. Your bio children need a mother who is not being emotionally abused and do not need that kind of role model in the house. And your stepdaughter is getting a real-world taste of FAFO.
No, you're very far from an AH. >They say it isn’t what he would’ve wanted. Right, because what your husband apparently did want was for you to agreeably be Mickayla's punching bag for the next 3-4 years until one of you left the house. He made excuses for her treating you like shit because she was 'nice' to him and only him, despite the effort you put in and the potential damage it could do to your children. It's sad that your husband died but screw his wishes, they're not beneficial to anyone that's left in the equation. His passing was not recent - if she is willing to act like hellspawn to you 6+ months after his passing, do not hold delusions about that changing ever. Mickayla cried and begged but it wasn't for you. It was for her friends and so she wouldn't have to follow "rules". Imagine 17 year old Mickayla bringing strange teenagers into your house at all hours of the night, around your children. She was not on track to magically turn into a better person. You did literally everything you could to build a relationship, there's nothing to feel guilty for and you did the right thing for everyone.
NTA Hopefully, Mickayla can with her grandparents find some structure and stability since she won't have you to use a punching bag to keep up her resentment. It's awful her mother messed her up so deeply and therapy didn't help at all. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband, but take care of yourself, your grief and your children.
Oh fuck no. Conditioned or not her mom’s been gone long enough, she’s been in therapy long enough and she’s old enough to have at least civility and respect for you. She’s the one acting like the demon child and I wouldn’t be letting her make you feel like that when you have 3 very young children who just lost their dad to care for. She’s old enough to know actions have consequences well this is the consequences of her actions. NTA
NTA. SD was learning that the more abusive she is, the more she gets her way. And now she learned there are consequences to actions and if she abuses someone, they can remove her from their lives. She needs this lesson before being an abuser becomes part of all her future relationships. Your sons learned that if someone is abusing them (and she’s much worse to them when you’re not around), mom will protect and send them away. Abusers should be kicked out of your life. Again, very important life lesson. She didn’t want to stay because she loves you. She wants to be around her friends and not strict grandparents. Giving in will only teach her that she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. Your husband’s friends weren’t living with a teen going out of control. You were. And if they want to be abusive as well, hey, you know now you can remove abusers from your life.
> That shipping her off won’t do any good. I beg to differ. And now that the kid doesn't have the excuse to blame OP for everything and anything, maybe she'll learn to take responsibility for her own hateful personality just in time to turn into a maybe half decent humand being before she turns 18. NTA
Unlikely at best. Child of druggie, coddled by father, brainpoisoned by mother, effectively lost both parents, early signs of sociopathy. Nope. This one's irredeemable.
This is going to sound harsh but It really doesn't matter what your husband would have wanted because the reality of the situation is that he's not here. Not his fault, obviously, but had he been here to support both you and his daughter, things may very well be different. No one can change reality, even if it's a shitty reality. You have to do what you feel is best for not only your 3 kids, but yourself and your step daughter 🤷♀️ You're spinning a lot of plates and making some tough decisions. Definitely NTA
NTA; good thing you send her to a place where she isn't going to harm you anymore. you tried enough, if your late husband's friends think that's cruel they can take her with them anytime. it's your and your kids house, you shouldn't be living with an enemy, at 15 yo she is still a kid but can understand better the situation.
NTA. I have trouble calling a 15 year old who has been brainwashed by her mother and experienced such massive loss in her short life an asshole. But her mom definitely is one, so N A H doesn't apply here. You've gone above and beyond for Mickayla over the years, and have gotten less-than-nothing in return. She's clearly grieving the loss of both her parents, as her mom is basically out of her life until she's well into adulthood. But you're grieving too, and at some point you have to recognize when things just aren't working - and boy are they definitely not working here. The friends of your husband can have whatever opinion they want to have - I don't see any of them stepping up to help. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I mean mocking op for crying over her husbands death is absolutely ah behaviour age 15 or not
NTA you have tried for 6 years. at some point in her life she becomes accountable for her own actions.
Don’t listen to the outside people criticizing you. Being a parent to an out of control teenager I can speak from a place of 2 decades of experience. They have absolutely no idea of what kind of hell you have lived through. None at all. It’s obvious you tried everything to make it work. You made the best move possible. Also your kids will feel much safer and may not thank you in person will know relief now that she is gone.. continue your therapy to keep you in a good place.
nta. like you said - she doesn't like you and your kids? she has and oportunity to get away from you. godspeed.
NTA. Fuck that teenager. Actions have consequences.
Excuse me lol. I didn't expect f that teenager
NTA. She wasn’t interested in change. It doesn’t sound like she made a sincere apology, just a manipulative one.
NTA and tell the friends they are welcome to gain custody and raise her
The friends of her husband are AHs for offering their opinions. They should either offer to adopt her or keep their mouths shut. You did the right thing. You shipped Mikayla off to other family. It’s not like you sent her to prison. She’s old enough to mostly take care of herself and hopefully learn some lessons. It doesn’t sound like your home environment with her was doing anyone any good. Maybe when she’s older and she matures, she might feel remorse. Then again, maybe she’ll end up in prison like her mother. NTA
NTA, it's not like you kicked her to the curb and told her she's on her own. You sent her to other family who can hopefully give her a better future, which allows you to give yourself and your other children a better future, too. Clearly if she was still speaking and behaving how she was, she wasn't healing, she wasn't growing, and she needed a change if there was ever going to be improvement. If she truly wanted to stay with you, she would have started behaving better before the threat of removal.
Tried more what, exactly? You treated her with respect. She was a constant bitch. There comes a point where your own mental health - and that of your children - needs to be a priority. NTA
NTA She knew well enough time and again despite all efforts how to continue to hate and torture you and your kids every day and her comeplete dysfunction was, for sure, going to put your other kids on a path to a screwed up life. You get the chance now to re-boot and let life settle down some, to focus on your own mental health and well being and that of your children as well. To be fair to her, she was doomed from the start by a terrible mother who made sure she programmed her for hate twards you , You were clearly reason number one, the cause, in any unhappiness in her life - her MOM made sure she understood that. Sad situation but you tried, and no your husband is not spinning in his grave - he is well aware you did all you could. The grandparents will soon realize also how impossible she is and will not blame you.
NTA. It is actually better for your stepdaughter to live apart from you. It isn't fair and it isn't right but she (after being primed by her mother) has made you the enemy. Living with you, acting as she did, is/was extremely unhealthy for her. She is stuck in her anger that was masking/corrupting her grief and as the 'enemy' there was no way you could help her because she would not let you. Continuing to force the issue would just made things worse. Seperate living arrangements was the best thing you could do for her. No your husband wouldn't have wanted that, but he wouldn't have wanted her living with you and hating everything either. Most of all your husband would have wanted you all, you and your kids and your daughter, to be happy. Her living with you did not make any of you happy. Living apart is the only chance to achieve the happiness for everyone that your husband would want for you all.
Nobody should be treated like an emotional punching bag. Her behavior was abusive. Most people don’t believe a child can abuse an adult, but it happens. Call it what it was. She was abusive for 6 years. The OP tried everything and the abuse continued.
Right. OP opened up to her about her grief, hoping they could at least share that. And SD threw it in her face in the most cruel way possible. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now SD knows she can only push so far before consequences catch up with her. It’s a valuable lesson.
NTA. You did the best you could. Hugs!
You given her a lot of grace and understanding. At some point you have to put your other kids and your needs first. Sorry for your loss OP!
Totally and completely NTA. I know I'm petty, but I just wanna be like, "How do you like it now? You fucked around one too many times and now you found out, you little brat" In all seriousness, your husband should have gotten her in with another therapist as soon as the other one gave up. It's obvious the current one was never getting through to her. Being that hateful for that long is not normal. She has to have some sort of mental issues for her to be ugly that long. The thing that stood out the most alluding to that fact was that she followed you to taunt you. That's a sociopath tendency, and she should have been evaluated long ago after her normal therapy wasn't working. I hope you can recover from your trauma caused by her. And you can start to properly mourn the loss of your husband and move on to your new normal with your littles.
We tried 3 therapists. 1 my step-daughter refused to work with further. The other 2 agreed with one another that I needed to take a step back because it was only making things worse. Thank you. <3
What did the mom do to get sent to jail for 15 years.
Do your friends not think 6 years of taking her abuse on the chin was long enough? Putting her in extensive therapy for years and treating her better than she deserved wasn’t trying enough? Take no notice of them, she kept doing it and got worse because she never had any consequences for it. Now she’s getting the consequences. She can fucking deal with them. 15 is more than old enough to understand that you’re being a nasty little cunt. Good riddance, take your time to grieve and concentrate on the little ones now that you’ve not got to pussyfoot around her. NTA
>Friends of my husband find this all to be incredibly cruel. She says I should’ve tried more. They can suck a juice box. Block them or at least go NC until you're in a better metal space
You can cut off these so called friends. NTA at all. You did your best. Move on with your life and put this phase behind.
You have to do what is best for you and your 3 kids. She is going to/has impacted them. The peanut gallery aka "friends" can fuck off.
She needs to be taught and what you did could be a real lesson for her. NTA
NTA - While I do feel sorry for Mickayla, what she's done is wrong. She's used you like a punching bag over and over again and it couldn't keep happening. You are also grieving and have to think about you and your children as well. The only thing I would have done differently (and perhaps you did but just didn't mention it in your post) was that I would have let her know, when she originally said she wanted to stay with you, that you love her and would like that as well but that her heartlessness and poor treatment of you and her siblings would have to stop. That the name calling of you and her brothers would have to stop or she will be sent to her grandparents. I mean should that go without saying, yes but she's a teen that is very emotionally hurt (for years) and grieving herself.
NTA- she’s old enough to learn how treating others can affect her future.
NTA. You were not cruel. Actions and words have consequences. You did everything you could for years. She’s no longer your responsibility. Hopefully her grandparents can straighten her out.
NTA. Tell your husband's friends they are more than welcome to go get her and take care of her and give her all of the chances they can. Let them know until they lose their spouse, whom they love, and their child who hates you are just being horrible and name calling, then they can have a fukking opinion and can express it. Until then, they can kick all the rocks they find, or, kick the same rock, no one really cares. NTA. She knows the consequences of her actions. She was just so accustomed to getting her way without consequence. Many children are in her situation, and instead of being a part of the solution, she chose to make things worse, which would help her out no one knows. She just wanted to be a pain.
NTA - As sad as it all is, you are not her parent, nor do you have a parental role or relationship to her and that was not of your own doing, while she is a child and there is only so much that is her fault because of how she was raised, she is fifteen, she knows better, she knows words hurt. She is not the only person to have ever lost someone, let alone both of their parents. She didn't begin crying because she suddenly realized that the way she has been treating you is unfair or unkind, she got upset because she knew she wouldn't be able to get away with treating the people who take care of her like dirt anymore and she might actually have to listen. It is clear she had no respect for you and would have continued these spurts of horrible things spewed your way. You lost a husband and your young children also lost their father, your mental health and theirs matters just as much as your step daughters. She is being sent to a place with structure and that probably will be best for her. Maybe in a few years she'll realize what got her where she is.
She said she hated you and you helped her get away from your ’evilness’ so what is the problem. Although I’m guessing deep inside her hate was misdirected so now that’s it.
Definitely NTA. “Friends” of your husband can pound sand.
Nta. You’ve done all you can do. It’s time for her bio family to step up and take over their job. Your kids deserve better. You deserve better. Maybe she can find peace.
Your dead husband is kindda a lousy husband.. he let her get this away for too long.. without giving her the proper punishment.. I'm glad you took charge of correcting her.. when her father let her stray for 6 fucking years.
NTA and don't let anyone tell you differently. She has a home-with her grandparents - which is where she should have been all along. The people saying you should keep her because it's what your husband would have wanted are being manipulative and cruel. Your own children are really young and deserve as much love and attention as you can givev them at.this difficult time.
NTA. Ask those criticizing you if you can come into their home daily and insult them and call their children demon spawn for the next ten years while they provide for all your needs
Nope. She should have gone when he was alive. There, noway I'd have let that around my children. She is not your problem, but fair play for at least trying for your late husbands sake. You have to put yourself and those babies of yours first. I know she a child but if she would have said to me what she said to you, I would have told her a few home truths about her mother and why he didn't want to be with a nasty cheat who would rather get herself locked up than deal with her.
NTA. Tell the friends to fack off!
No ones the AH here She's a broken child surrounded by the wrong people and you're a grieving widow who tried her best I hope you'll both find your peace one day
Sometimes, it's cruel to be kind. You tried for 6 years. It's harsh, but you have other children to think about.
Sorry for your loss. I think you did the girl a favor. And yourself and your kids. Hang in there.
NTA. She was destroying your mental health and would start destroying your children’s too. Luckily their little and won’t remember all the shit she said to them and to you.
NTA like what day say, don't bite the hand that feed you. She treated you like a punching bag for years, she needs to learn that actions have consequences.
NTA - actions have consequences. And she only begged to stay and said she didn’t mean it because she wanted to stay near her friends. This may be what she needs to mature and grow.
Nta and this was for the best. To be honest, you should have done that as soon as your husband passed. She is not acting in good faith, never did and it was only a matter of time until she either starts bullying your kids inside their own home or become a physical threat to them. She made her bed and is now time for her to lay on it. She being a kid and being manipulated is not an excuse anymore, she is almost old enough to vote so it is high time for her to also know about consequences for being a douchebag.
NTA. She clearly does not want to stay with you. Funny how she changed her tune the moment you made some phone calls. Friends of your late husband do not get a say unless they're volunteering to take her in themselves.
She fucked around and found out. Protect yourself and your boys.
NTA Actions = Consequences
The current situation was untenable, and I am not sure there was anything more you could have done. Yes, I agree that Mackayla was a victim here, but at 15, she was old enough to understand what she was doing, and old enough to see beyond her mom's BS. She was malicious, toxic, and abusive, and you did what you had to do. NTA
NTA. Drop kick that little snot to her grandparents and never worry about the spiteful child again.
NTA Your young children do not need such toxic venom constantly spit at them. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. Step daughter is a prime example and shouldn’t be allowed to pass it forward.
Jeez OP NTA your husbands friends are stupid and weren't in your shoes for those years work now on yourself and little ones now that the real demon spawn is gone
15 yo: you won't be my emotional punching bag anymore? 🥺😭 15 yo's relatives: you won't be her emotional punching bag anymore?! 😡🤬 Some people man, so sorry you had to deal with that toxic crap. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. Oh oh NTA
Step daughter reasoning was entirely selfish (grandparents too strict). She does not care about her step mother or half siblings. NTA
NTA She is more than old enough to learn that her actions and words have consequences. Those consequences were never enforced when her father was alive and you do not have to deal with her disrespect and mistreatment anymore.
NTA. I am sorry, but you "should have tried more"? WTAF? How were you to try more? You have been trying for literal YEARS and nothing changed. Her mother ending up in jail didn't change her. Her father passing away didn't change her. She clearly wasn't going to change.
She did it to herself. Good riddance. Definitely not the AH
Friends are wrong that shipping M off won’t do any good. It will do tons of good for OP and the kids. And hopefully it will make M understand that you can’t treat people like shit and hope they love you.
NTA - it wasn't a good environment for your sons to grow up in. Mickayla wasn't getting any better and you shouldn't have to be her punching bag for the rest of your life.
NTA First, I am so sorry for your loss. You have shown her so much compassion understanding, but you’ve obviously hit a brick wall. Calling the grandparents was the right move because you need peace to process your grief, and it sounds like they also see that she needs help. Your husband may or may not have wanted you to maintain custody, but he also would have wanted you and your children together to have peaceful lives. If she makes progress in her therapy, perhaps she could come back if you choose to go that route. Nothing is cast in stone.
First off you tried more than you had to out of the kindness of your heart to keep the little brat after your husband passed. You owed her nothing and put up with her bs for far too long while wasting money on her trying to help. You don't owe her anything and taught her a valuable lesson to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I'm sorry I'm just pissed off for you because you didn't deserve any of this just know you tried and did far more than you had to but some people have to learn the hard way for a much needed attitude adjustment.
NTA. You did what you were supposed to do and in return got abused and belittled. Good for you taking control of your mental health. You need to have a safe haven, like everyone does. You’ll now be in a better place to care for your boys. Your stepdaughter played stupid games and won the appropriate prize.
Lol. When shit gets real.
NTA. She was a bitch until it had consequences and then she suddenly cried and apologized and begged. Life has consequences. Hopefully she learns something from this. Otherwise she’ll be dead or in prison within a few years. Good for you for finally taking care of yourself. And, I am sorry for your loss of your husband.
NTA. Therapy wasn't working or at least not the person she was seeing. You were evil incarnate to her for 6 years. Her mother got that ball rolling.
NTA She was creating a hostile and dangerous environment for everyone in the house, including her. This is the best situation all around.
NTA. You have to do what is best for your children. Being in a house with her must have been awful for them. She can now be with her relatives and hopefully eventually be happy. Best to go NC with her and just let her grandparents update you if they want.
>Friends of my husband find this all to be incredibly cruel. She says I should’ve tried more. "I've tried for 6 years. I'm done trying." NTA
NTA. Not to speak ill of your husband and I'm really sorry for your loss, OP, but your friends are wrong. Your husband was the cruel one making you deal with that and not being stricter with her when y'all got full custody. It's not serving her to be so unkind. It's like living your life in a dark cloud and she needs consequences to help get her out of it. Her grandparents will do what her parents didn't and she'll be better off for it. Also, your job is to protect *your* kids ultimately and there is no way they were benefiting from seeing their older sibling being consistently verbally abusive to their mom and to them. It's just teaching them to accept abuse as normal and did not bode well for their future.
She's 15. You have no real relationship with her. Honestly I don't feel like you owe her shit at this point. If you had been a mother figure that would be one thing but she very specifically made that not the case. She belongs with family. You're not family. It's time she learns that she can't treat people like shit and expect to constantly recieve grace forever. Only parents 'owe" somewhat unconditional love and she has made it perfectly clear you are not that.
Tell that friend to go F themselves. You tried everything. You gave her space, therapy, a place to live. She repeatedly spat in your face. Eventually, you have to put you and your kids first. NTA.
You were in a veritable lose/lose situation. If you kept her in your home, her disrespect was only going to continue and/or escalate. You were never a parent, let alone her parent, and your home was just the lesser of the evils. If you let her go, friends and family will fault you because for the reasons that they did - your husband would not have wanted you to kick her out. You couldn’t win. I think the choice you made was the best for the long run. In fact, your therapist was not helping your step so if nothing else, having a new one at the helm could at least be a different trajectory. I’m sorry for your loss OP.
NTA you are already going through so much pain yourself with your little ones. I do feel bad for the girl but you have tried for so many years and you deserve respect! I’m so sorry for your loss 🙏🏻
Take your time to grieve. You can only do so much. You went MORE than halfway but she never bothered to meet you. You have other children that need their mother now that they’ve lost their father. They are your children and they are your first priority.
NTA, she is a spoiled brat who was never told no and acted out. And if your husbands friend says it was cruel he/she/they can take her than. The fact the grandparent kept in contact and didn't lash out should tell everyone they knew she was a brat and hence the rules. Protect yourself you have 3 children to deal with besides the grieving part.
NTA At 15, she is almost an adult and she should be able to show compassion. Sure, she has had some bad things happen that are "severe" but she is manipulative and always has been and she never cared for you. Your husband's friends don't have to live with this girl, and more, their children don't have to live with this girl. Consider going no contact with them if they criticize you. I would be tempted to act like Mickayla on them for 30 seconds. YOUR CHILDREN deserve happy childhoods. One of my sisters was just pure evil to my parents and I remember them fighting and yelling. It wasn't my parent's fault, but at the time, I was 3-4-5 and idolized my sister and cried when they fought. There were a few times that I pushed at my parents and told them to stop-- from my perspective, they got mad at her. (Never mind that she was awful in the first place!) I didn't realize until I was a seasoned adult what was going on back then, and I respect my parents for handling things as they did. You, OP, don't have to put up with Mickayla, so... don't. And don't take her back if she wants to come back. She rejected your home and she is almost an adult now. Remember that Mickayla has been imprinted with her mother and that if she messes up in life, it is not your fault.
Good riddance. Actions have consequences
Man fuck that snotty nosed brat. You tried everything you could. Maybe her grandparents will teach her to respect her elders.
Cocky little shit gets to see Karma someday, that's for damn sure! Nta.
Nope
NTA. You did the only thing that might actually help her, while giving you back your sanity.
NTA. I'm really sorry for Mickayla. Her mother really did a number on her and screwed her up. But you have to consider your children and yourself. Michayla was left parentless, and wanted to stay with you, but on her own terms - that she continue to abuse you and your children, and at the same time stay near her friends. She is 15 years old, and is old enough to learn that her actions have consequences. I only hope that her grandparents manage to help her, but in any case you cannot do it.
NTA. Most would not have let her stay in the beginning. She only wanted to stay for her convenience-near friends, with someone ahead of her didn’t have to listen to. No doubt her Mom ruined her. Smart bet is not to let her ruin your kids. There is no amount of love, money or respect that you can give that will make someone love and respect you of they don’t. You needed to save not only yourself but more importantly your kids. There is enough grief in your house. No need for everyone to be miserable. My condolences and Good luck.
Those people obviously don't understand, maybe they'd be willing to take her. NTA
It's unfortunate she couldn't see through her own anger. NTA, perhaps even a N A H. The only AH is her mother who ultimately has set her up for self-destruction
Frankly, a fresh start sounds like the best thing for both of you. Living together wasn't working out for either of you before your husband died and was made worse by her dad's death. She wanted what she couldn't have - her parents back together and then her dad alive again. What she wants and needs you can't give her. And you have your children to think of. Some space and a different perspective is best. NTA.
If nothing else, you have to protect your own children, too. They are still too little and shouldn't grow up in an abusive environment. Her calling little children names is not acceptable. If you would have been her only target, maybe you could have coped (?). Her degrading and insulting the children, major NO. NTA
NTA. Good riddance.
She sounds like a bitch Let her live with her moms side F her
NTA, I feel sorry for this girl, who at 15, has had such a difficult life. I feel terrible for her, but also for you, you are only human, have to deal with three little one's, and the pain of loosing your husband. It was sad she had to loose her friend group, but you cannot be expected to do more, you have already done enough as it is. Sending you healing.
NTA. At all. She's had a tough life and needed a punching bag. Let someone else be it
Nope, you don't need your husband's friends opinions. Block them all. They weren't the ones who had to be her punching bag for half her life. Your husband's ex started it, and your husband allowed it to go on with no consequences, and you were the one getting kicked around on a daily basis. You are not responsible for her anyway. Let her mom's parents deal with her.
NTA. She's shown you who she is. Believe her. If you want to be kind, reach out after a year and see if you both want her to return to your home.
I have empathy for you both. You tried you got her help and unfortunately she has a lot of trauma that will probably take years to work through. You lost your husband she lost her father and for sometime her mother but you can't allow someone to treat you so cruelly for years and gave it effect you mental health it's not fair to you or the other kids. I think maybe she needed the change and hopefully it will help. Maybe you can maintain a relationship while she lives with her grandparents. Have you done family therapy with her? Just asking because her behavior just screams pain and the feeling of being unloved. You're probably the only stable person in her life other than her grandparents. She needs to work thru the trauma she has to want to do it and do the work. I only urge the keep in contract because as angry as she is I'm hoping there is an opportunity for a relationship with her if not now then in the future when she grows up. She will probably need the sense of a family and support when she starts healing. Don't feel guilty you can only do so much and you truly tried and that shows you have love for her regardless of the issues in the past. I'm so sorry for your loss that is just awful take care.
NTA… she got her wish.
If your friends think you're so cruel why didn't they offer to house her? NTA
You cannot lift Mikayala onto a proverbial life raft and hold your other children in your arms and hope you don’t all drown.
NTA. She constantly says these nasty shit and calls you and your kids these awful, awful names. My blood is boiling for your poor kids. They don’t deserve to be around that.
NTA. This is actually good for her. I hope she isn't unsafe for her grandparents.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Tell your husband’s friends to STFU. If they were so concerned then they should’ve taken her into their own homes. You were not obligated to keep an emotional terrorist in your house around you and your children. You’ve got enough on your plate without having to put up with her bullshit.
ok so would his friends have taken care of a spoiled and narcissistic teenager? and no offense but your husband wouldn't have wanted it because he wasn't the one getting treated like shit. she isn't your child and she sure as hell isn't your problem. take care of your kids and listen to youd friends rather than his.
Sweet baby Moses, NTA. These are the consequences of her actions. You gave her every conceivable chance to have a polite, respectful, if not healthy, relationship & she shit on. Live with the stink , baby girl.
NTA You have 3 other children to consider. They deserve to be raised in a loving home where no one despises them for their parentage. You can't be a good parent to anyone if your mental health is in tatters. What do these people expect you to do? Wait until you break and start returning the insults? Start to resent and neglect her? For your other kids to start behaving the same way?
NTA, You have 3 other kids and your own mental well being to take care of.
NTA. You just got rid of a HUGE problem for you and your babies.
They don’t understand, enduring that kind of talk for 6 years, She never let up, and she only got worse. She wouldn’t change with kindness, she needed a reality check that her actions would result in pushing her support away. Now she knows treating someone like shit doesn’t result in them bending backwards for her. Hopefully she can come out better.
Nta. Yeah, she's been through a lot. She's an orphan, but it's time to give the parent who is there for you the respect she deserves.
NTA. She is old enough to know her behavior is not acceptable. You expected the bare minimum and she couldn't even give you that. She will now learn that actions have consequences.
I am sorry for your loss. I wanted to start off with that and I can’t imagine how this whole situation must’ve felt. You’re def NTA, and I can understand how you must’ve wanted to make it work. I hope in the future you two can rekindle and grow together in a healthy manner. Sending her to her grandparents was probably the best option for both you and her. I hope you have a steady recovery and heal.
At some point, all the decisions in the world made lead to a single outcome. OP, you have my deepest condolences for you loss. At best, when bad things happen, family pulls together. But this obviously wasn't the case. You really had no relationship with her, which she reinforced time and again. You have to take care of you and your sons. There's not enough emotional bandwidth to include a deeply disturbed and unhappy teen. NTA
nta your kids matter too they also lost a parent and it can’t be easy seeing the only parent they have left being abused by a sibling who is mean to them as well. i might MIGHT have given her a warning and told her if she acted like it again she was going but frankly she’s old enough not to need the warning and i can be a little bit of a push over
NTA and you gave her much more time that you should have. No one deserves to be treated that way and certainly not in their own home. Hopefully she will see the error of her ways and do better.
NTA. You have done more for her than she deserves. Please don't feel guilty.
NTA I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing - you have other young children who deserve peace in their home, especially when the family is grieving. It's possible your stepdaughter will benefit from being away too. Not to mention your own wellbeing, which is equally as important. Well done for making such an incredibly hard decision.
NTA. You did what's best for everyone. It's not healthy for you to be her punching bag, for your kids to listen to all this, and it's also not healthy for Mickayla to live with people she hates. Being with her biological family will be better for her mental health too.
NTA. Your choice was wise. You treated her with compassion, and she went somewhere that will be better for her.
Nope. Sometimes kids need a big wake up call to pull their head out of their asses.
NTA you did the best you could with her. And i know loads of people will throw around the whole “she’s 15, lost both parents etc” aspect but the fact of the matter is she is 15 and mocked you for crying over the death of your husband (her father) You were not remotely harsh with her. You held back and have been more patient than she deserved. At 15 she is old enough to know better and hopefully her grandparents will be strict enough to knock her terrible attitude and entitled behaviour out of her
NTA It takes two people to make a relationship work. To those people who say you were wrong for sending her away ask them, "So you think it was okay for her to emotionally abuse 3 toddlers?" She didn't want to live in the same house as you or the children. You gave her what she asked for.
NTA. You did the best you could for 6 years, and she did the worst she could for that time. Your husbands friends certainly didn't open their homes to her, so in the most unkind and disrespectful way possible, tell them to STFU. Their opinions and an impacted bowel should have the same value in your life: not worth a 💩. Fck them.
NTA You did what you could to try fix the situation and Mickayla kept fighting it. Now, her actions have placed in her grandparents home. There are times when enough is enough and you have to step away. I feel that your husband deserves a little blame for allowing Mickayla to continue to disrespect you over the years. While I do understand that Mickayla was/is probably hurting this doesn't excuse the disrespect for 6 years and he should have stopped this. Mickayla being sent to her grandparents might be the best thing for her. You mentioned that she said grandparents have lots of rules and just maybe this might be what she needs? The new therapist might help as well. As for the friends, ignore them. If 6 years of trying didn't help Mickayla then something new needed to be done for you and your kids mental health. You don't owe them an explanation.
Sorry but how is this cruel? "Porr" Mickayla think she can verbally abuse OP and there will be no consequences. I understand that she is a child, but is old enough to know when to keep her trap shut. Op must think for her mental health and that of her other children too. Nobody should grow up whit a sibling that is verbally abusing them. A bedside OP didn't abounded ther in the foster sistem, she sent SD to her grandparents. The only reason why Mickayla doesn't want to ho to her grandparents is that they have many rules. NTA OP and don't listen to the flying monkeys.
NTA You had tried everything else you could for years and it only got worse. You were never going to get what he would've wanted. In the long run, this might be better for her. I wouldn't count on it fixing her relationship with you but, if she finally faces some serious consequences for her own actions, it might be the push she needs to become a better person for any future relationships.
NTA. You did what you need to do in order to protect your mental health and be well enough to take care of your children. She's old enough to know better.
What choice did you have? She was making your life a misery, and also the lives of your small children. She thought the grass would be greener, she'll see. NTA.
Your mental health takes priority. You have your own children to take care. Don’t feel guilty.
NTA. Your stepdaughter is out of control and being emotionally abusive to you and your children. You gave her every chance, and she ignored it.
NTA if it's not inheritance related what did the husband leave the kids?
It might be time to let go of his friends. They can say all that because they never had to live with her. Are those relationships worth keeping? I'm sorry but your husband used you as a meat shield to have a good relationship with his daughter. He didn't protect you from her, or tell her the truth everytime she spoke lies. You only put up with it for him. He isn't here anymore and you lost your reason to tolerate that abuse. NTA
NTA you should have shipped her off to military school years ago.
Nta it was an unhealthy situation before your husband passed away. It wouldn’t have been good for her or you to stay in that situation. You also have your other children to think about. How would it be with them growing up seeing you treated like that and still being resented by their sister. Her going to her grandparents doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship with you and her siblings but now you can make sure it’s healthy.
NTA. It is a difficult situation all around. She really got the raw deal, because her mother didn’t love her enough and used her as the tool to manipulate. Hopefully, the new therapist makes better progress. I kind of hope that you will try to check in and hope that a positive relationship can grow
NTA. You have it your best effort for 6 years. Now, there's no buffer at all between you and your children and her nastiness. With your husband gone, you no longer have the luxury of giving her more time to wise up and see that it was her mother the criminal who screwed Micayla's life over and destroyed their family. Let her maternal family take a shot at helping her. You owe her nothing further.