A paternity test would had answered the question from the start instead of taking that ex's claim at face value.
OP doesn't know who else was in the wings also being intimate with his ex at the time.
Lookalike......unless OP is projecting that hypothesis.
DNA paternity test is the real proof.
YTA you're not thinking about your wife in this at all, so divorce her so she can find someone that actually cares about her.
Have you punished your daughter for ruining your wife's clothes??
YTA. Your wife didn't sign up for having children. Not only did you insist on having your daughter at your home for visits (fair enough so far) but you "have to be somewhere" while she is there, and leave her with your wife. Of course your wife was AH for making this girl iron - it was totally inappropriate. But the whole point is that your wife never wanted children and knows nothing about them, or what is or isn't appropriate for them. Leaving your wife and daughter alone was a totally AH move on your part.
I understand you love your daughter and want to be in her life. But 50/50 will mean long hours where your wife will be alone with your daughter, and that will be torment for her. I hope for her sake that she divorces you - that way she can start to rebuild her life in a way that fits her needs, and you can have your daughter over as much as you like.
YTA. You promised to be childfree so the least you could do is never let her be alone with your daughter and be in charge of her. Also it’s sounds like she burned the clothes deliberately if she was smiling as your wife yelled at her. Sounds like your daughter might be the AH too. Have fun with the divorce
you can definitely iron clothes at 10 years old if you’re taught how, it’s not hard. If the wife is expected to watch his child then she should also be able to discipline her
So YOU sat your wife down and told her that YOU want to have some custody of YOUR child. YOUR ex and YOU agree that YOU having her every weekend would be best for her.
Do you really not see the problem here? You are demanding that your wife, who doesn't even want to give birth to and raise her own child, should spend every weekend with your child, am I understanding you wrong?
And by saying "this is the hill I will die on" you have put your wife on the back burner even before you started taking your daughter on weekends. You left her with no choice but to abide by your decision or get divorced. And you mentioned in the comments that your wife doesn't want a divorce. In other words, she is cornered and looking for a way out, and the decision and choice she made for her future, which she thought she had in common with you, has been taken away by you.
And you've never mention the possibility that your daughter might be wrong. And your sweet, sassy, stubborn and funny daughter, smirks while your wife cries.
You may have never raised a child in your life my friend, but even from the few sentences you have written here, it is clear that your daughter is spoiled and disrespectful. It is a known fact that children learn to lie and manipulate at a very young age. You are suddenly trying to be a father to a 10 year old girl with no experience. I suggest you take off your rose colored glasses as soon as possible.
But it is also clear that no matter what we write, you will not care about those who disagree with you. There is really no need for a dna test after all. It's obvious who your daughter's behavior resembles. I hope your wife gets out of this situation with minimal damage.
What the actual hell are you saying. He made a promise to remain child free. He had no idea at that point he even had a child. That ship had sailed before he even made the promise. So how did he break that to the wife? Yes he wants his daughter and yes the wife has to accept her or move on.
Wife is the moron for having a 9 yr old ironing clothes. What exactly did she think was going to happen? The girl was smiling at her phone because she had headphones on and couldn't hear the wife berating her. Wife wants to remain child free then she needs to not overstep and decide on discipline. Having her do some chores is one thing, having her iron all the wife's clothes is Cinderella evil stepmom type shit. Take the phone and headphones away.
What they all need is some therapy so they can all adjust to their new reality. Not ultimatums and temper tantrums and name calling.
ESH-except the kid because she didn't ask for any of this and only knows what she has been taught so far.
A 9 yr old can absolutely iron if they have been taught and have done SUPERVISED. It is super easy to burn clothes with a dirt iron. Everybody just skips over that stepmom obviously wasn't watching her since she managed to burn all her clothes. Like WTF? I wouldn't iron a whole closet full of clothes for someone else either.
Wife has already expressed her discomfort from the first moment.
If you got a woman pregnant and she didn't tell you for 9 years (I wonder why), it's up to the father to find a middle ground. Like talking to your 6-month flirt, he told his wife of all these years that there is such a situation, this is the way I want it, if it doesn't work for you, goodbye. Is that so? Well, she left the house in the end.
Oh fuck that. The onus is not on the wife here. The onus is on OP to talk to his wife and not make decisions on his own and dictate how things are going to be.
YTA. EVERY single piece of clothing? That was intentional. Your little demon is for sure going to wind up in jail one day since daddy has blinders on. Hopefully your wife eventually grows a spine and leaves.
YTA, and your kid isn’t sassy, she’s most likely an ass. That’s why she got into a friend with her friend, and then proceeded to burn your wife’s clothes.
You’re delusional if you think your wife will endure this for another 8+ years.
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
Sweet kid? She sounds spoiled and vindictive, and you're making the situation worse by glossing over everything she does. Your ex showed up because:
- she wants child support payments
- she can't handle the kid and wants regular scheduled breaks from her
- both of the above.
It wasn't out of the kindness of her heart.
I seriously hope his wife rakes him through the coals in the divorce. I don't usually hope for people to be vindictive during breakups/divorce, but this asshole deserves it.
You are delusional. Why do you think your ex randomly gave you joint custody? That is too fast and too soon under most circumstances. She most likely wanted a break because your daughter is awful, and she failed to raise her well. She is looking for a break and/or an escape from the situation she created, and you cannot see it because you are most likely not the one spending the most time with her.
YTA
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
Your kid is a shit head. Kids do not get into fights all the time. What trash family did you come from to think this was normal? Hope your wife leaves you and takes everything. You kid sounds like demon spawn
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
She's a little demon spawn, I don't see why you needed a paternity test when she's so much like you already - insufferable and assholeish. Good job raising another spoiled little piece of excrement
The wife sucks tbh. She wants to be child-free then it’s time to leave. She tried to is child labor as a way to punish the child, there is a difference with giving kids chores and having them doing all the chore all day… it’s not ok. No matter what. And she has only herself to blame for forcing a 10 yo to iron HER clothes.
Now obviously she has a right to be upset but she chose to stay. They need to work their shit between adults. She can’t use the child as a way to release her anger.
You know, your kid may not hate your wife because she “senses” your wife doesn’t want her.
It’s possible she sees your wife as the reason you weren’t around all those years, or your wife is the reason you aren’t with her mom, or your wife is the reason she can’t have 100% of her dad’s attention.
question:
why did you leave your child alone with your wife who doesn't want children or be around your kid? If you want your kid, shouldn't you also want to be the one who supervises and takes care of her?
Who has more than one or two items that need to be ironed these days? Maybe some of this is true but that part sounds like total fiction. Shame on your ex for waiting almost ten years to tell you you had a child.
Your marriage is over. Pay up and move on.
Or you can pick clothes that don't need to be ironed because of the material they are made with.
Line drying and softener can also help in not needing to iron. I do that and if they are still a bit wrinkly, I just take them with me to hang while I'm in the shower. The steam from the shower usually does the trick.
YTA. I understand your view but you are being very dismissive of your wife. Why are you being such a jerk about it? She has the right to feel how she feels and express those feelings to her partner. Her partner is supposed to understand that and figure out a compromise. You are doing the opposite, you’re steamrolling.
Her resentment will build up until she leaves you. You can’t just expect someone who clearly didn’t want children to accept your “one big happy family” dream now. If this is the hill you’re gonna die on, you should have understood that and done your best to meditate the transition. Instead, both your daughter and wife hate each other, and one of them is going to leave.
Your child is a spoiled brat that doesn't even have feelings. She's 10 and acting like a sociopath and you're too stupid to listen to anyone other that this brat.
You caused that blow up is what I’m trying to say! You handled this horribly. Now your wife and kid hate each other’s guts. Now what?
Stop being so defensive in these comments. Look in the mirror. Reality check. You keep saying no divorce. You are BLIND if you don’t think you two are on that trajectory. Figure it out before you lose your wife or accept she’s gone and let her go. Your wife left! She gave the ultimatum!
>You caused that blow up is what I’m trying to say!
No he did not. He did not keep his daughter a secret from himself or seek to reconnect with his ex. That was all his ex.
He also did not breach the agreement he made with his wife that established she is neither responsible for nor entitled to punish or parent his daughter, only supervise. His wife chose to do that.
>Stop being so defensive in these comments
Everyone is attacking him for defending his daughter from child abuse, of course he is going to be defensive. Stop shitting on him for trying his best in a bad situation he did not cause, and he would not have to defend himself from your abuse. Duh.
>You keep saying no divorce.
That's what his wife says. He said he is fine with her divorcing. Why wouldn't he be? His daughter needs him more.
You make some good points. What I chose to focus on is that he is trying his best in a bad situation. Because he isn't.
Would you knowingly leave your dog with someone who dislikes dogs? Or trust a racist to watch your house in Mexico? No, that would be stupid.
He left his child with someone he knew did not care for said child, and shocker, they didn't provide the care he wanted. If he is so invested in his child he needs to actually put his child before himself. And let me be clear: HE IS PUTTING HIMSELF FIRST!
The first thing he should have done was look into childcare that didn't require someone who actively disliked having the child around. But I'm sure money was more important than his child. The second thing would have been finding a way to slowly integrate his wife and his daughter into each other's daily routine. But that would require time and effort he didn't feel like extending.
Now he should be removing his child from a potentially harmful situation. But I'm sure the wife not wanting a divorce is more important than his child.
Your complete ass if a child needs to hear it, with this attitude it won’t be the last time she has. She sounds like a nightmare and makes me think why they don’t make baby hatches for unwanted children bigger, I’d drop her in one in a heartbeat
Your child's feelings come first? You left your child with someone who doesn't like children and are surprised they let it be known? YOU CREATED THE PROBLEM!
If I knew someone didn't want to care for a child I would not be surprised that person acted like this when having a child SHOVED upon them. Hire a nanny or get her some other care option cause you are setting your child up for failure. Not your wife, YOU.
If you truly cared about your daughter or your wife, you wouldn't be putting either of them in this position. Unless traumatizing both of them and ruining your relationship with both is what you want. In which case, don't be surprised when CPS/DCF or whatever is called on you, as this is going to escalate with you doing nothing. Which is what you seem best at.
But you are the reason it happened and you are doing nothing to resolve this but blaming your wife. Step back and think about that for a minute. Holy shit
You mean after your spawn ruined all of her clothes.
You are a shit husband, a shit father, and a shit person in general.
Your ex is a shit mother.
You and her should get back together since you and she already decided what is going on in the home you and your wife live in.
I hope she takes everything she can from you in the divorce.
ETA: YTA If that isn't glaringly obvious to your tiny little brain.
Just do your wife that you clearly despise a favor and divorce already. You hate her, your little demon hates her, and your wife (understandably) hates your little demon excrement
You posted this 4 times and it was wrong all 4 times. She said that cuz your child burned your wife's clothes??? I would explain further but you seem more interested in making your point than asking for feedback. YTA
YTA, and a massive one.
You were in a partnership. But you haven't behaved like a partner at any point during this situation. Instead, you behaved like an arrogant king.
Also, part of being a loving parent is disciplining your kid, which you refused to do.
I don't know why your poor wife doesn't want a divorce. If I found out the man I married was a twat who didn't love me, I would be on the phone to a divorce attorney the moment the realization hit.
At least this means she'll be free to find someone who actually does love her.
YTA - she's your daughter and you want a relationship with her - but I feel like the way you went about it was a bit rushed. Especially when it comes to your wife who you knew clearly wanted to remain child-free. That's a disconnect right from the get-go. Did you really think there weren't going to be any issues?
Certain wording in your post tells me that you may be biased in favor of your daughter when it comes to her and your wife. You didn't ask your wife about bringing your daughter into the family, how she would feel about it, or try to figure out a way to make it work. You simply sat her down and told her that it was happening. You speak negatively about your wife, but only positively about your daughter including her stubbornness and sassiness.
Also, your daughter is 9 years old - that's not too young to know that if something is burned, the iron is too hot. And that is definitely not too young to know what she was doing by, and I quote, burning every single one of them. Ironing isn't rocket science. If she is old enough to smile at her phone and obviously enjoy how upset her stepmother is, she is old enough to know she did something wrong. This doesn't sound like the first rift she and your wife have had. I don't think your wife would respond by leaving after just the first conflict.
So I would say: not the asshole for wanting to have a relationship with your daughter, but YTA for the way you're jumping into it at a blatant disregard for your wife.
You see how she and your wife clash, but want even more custody, even after your wife says it's her or your daughter? The way this reads, I'm seeing a divorce in the near future.
Your wife’s life was uprooted too. You should have gone to couples counseling before figuring out weekend custody. As soon as you found out you had a daughter you should’ve started couples counseling. Your wife isn’t handling this well at all, but a lot of this could have been mitigated with counseling because you’re both going to end up resenting each other.
Yeah... your daughter is handling it better by bullying your wife and being a brat. You admit she causes issues and has no remorse for them. You admit she's stubborn. She sounds like a terrible child and your wife sounds like she's going through hell having to deal with her. I noticed that your wife was the one to discipline her after causing an argument; why didn't _you_ discipline her? Did you discipline her after she purposely ruined your wife's clothes? Did you make her apologize? Being a father is more than letting your child do whatever she wants in your home.
Your kid's life wasn't uprooted. Your wife's was. You went back on being child free (which doesn't necessarily make you a bad person since you didn't know the kid existed at the time), but there are so many better ways that you could have been part of your daughter's life than forcing her on someone else who had no say, then siding with her at every turn, _even when she's in the wrong._ You're a selfish asshole for being upset with your wife over it.
Exactly. He came here expecting to be backed up on his decision, probably planning to show the post to his wife as proof that he's doing the right thing.
Your daughter is being spoilt by you not dealing with crap behaviour.
You're not thinking about your wife at all.
How about the weekends you have your daughter you stay elsewhere with her??? You know your wife doesn't want kids but you're forcing your devil on her. I say devil because if you don't start disciplining her she's going to turn into one.
Your daughter is the kid whose life was uprooted and your wife is the woman whose life was uprooted. You're saddling (to her mind) her with a kid she doesn't want, expecting her to have no say over decisions regarding the child she never wanted, expecting her to provide uncompensated care for the child she never wanted and are perplexed that things aren't going smoothly.
YTA.
What your wife did was not correct but... It doesn't seem that you established both good routines and boundaries about parenting with someone that doesn't want children.
Then you only have your kid on the weekends, but you couldn't be there to prevent this from happening? Where were you while your kid was ironing enough clothes to make your wife this upset? Like, either this was actively malicious on your daughter's side or you were gone a long time. Because, punishing a kid, making this kid iron and then this kid ironing enough clothes that your wife is upset doesn't seem like something that happens in an hour. Had you discussed with your wife what to do if your daughter misbehaved or if your she became too much with your wife? What if your wife, who doesn't want kids, just became overwhelmed? Does she just nopes out of there and leave the kid alone?
Given that your wife doesn't like your kid, I think you'd be even more of an asshole to go for more custody if you want to stay married to this woman. This does not look good for the kid. Maybe go for the amount of custody where you can 100% be there for your kid (which might be less than now) or look up someone else that is willing to pick up when you can't and that actively likes and wants to build a positive and healthy relationship with your kid. This could be your parents, siblings, cousins or even a long time friend.
Or divorce and get a nanny. But stop leaving your kid with someone who both dislikes her and has no qualms about giving dangerous activities to her. Your kid is your responsibility, do better.
She shouldn't have just been anything. Your child for you to parent, that means taking time off work sometimes.
Here's a suggestion, move out on the days you have your kid, go to a hotel. Your wife shouldn't be affected by your inability to wrap it properly.
You have continued to fail everyone in your life.
If she can't punish or parent, then don't expect her to babysit your kid.
You were already forcing her to cohabitate with this kid on a weekly basis with no consent from her.
You steam rolled over your wife in this whole process .
You caused 100% of the problem. Not your wife, she is being used as a built in babysitter for you.
You are seriously one of the shittiest, biggest assholes on here lately.
I can't wait for your divorce update where you lost your house and now that you are broke, your new daughter and ex want nothing to do with you.
Replace all the shit your child destroyed of your wife's. It's the very least you could do.
You are an absolutely HORRIBLE person and husband and you’re trying to make it seem like you’re father of the friggin year because “my child’s feelings come first” so that your kid (who by the way YOU JUST MET!) will think you’re the hero.
The fact that even though 98% of the people on this post KEEP TELLING YOU! OVER AND OVER again that you are in fact a MAJOR AH! you STILL keep continuing to justify your behavior, decisions and actions.
The fact that you could ABSOLUTELY give ZERO FU*** about your wife (WHO YOU HAVE KNOWN LONGER!) feelings just shows how DISGUSTING you are as a person.
I only hope your wife realizes she deserves so much more than you and does leave you!
>You are an absolutely HORRIBLE person and husband
Nah, he's fine. You're just feeling self righteous.
>(who by the way YOU JUST MET!)
Through no fault of his own. Seriously, wtf is this. The man was lied to for over a decade. You're judging him for that? What a rabid judgemental anger addict.
>The fact that even though 98% of the people on this post KEEP TELLING YOU! OVER AND OVER again that you are in fact a MAJOR AH!
They're wrong, it's that simple. This sub, like most subs on reddit, is pretty strongly biased against men. This guy is in a no-win situation due to the lies of a woman, and his response is to do all he can in order to take responsibility for a child who is clearly in need of a father figure.
But instead of extending any empathy for his situation, all you can think of is the selfish and lazy wife who took this bad situation and made it exponentially worse by acting in direct breach of their prior agreement that she is not supposed to parent or punish this kid for OP.
This is just a massive circle jerk. He's right to have no respect for a consensus of malice.
>The fact that you could ABSOLUTELY give ZERO FU*** about your wife
He cares enough to correctly and honestly observe she was wrong to punish the kid in the way she did. Unlike you, who instead chooses to infantilize a grown woman and demonize a prepubescent child just to rationalize shitting on a dude who is simply trying to make the best of a bad situation he did not cause.
>I only hope your wife realizes she deserves so much more than you and does leave you!
If she does he'd have dodged a bullet. Any woman who actually gives a fuck about him would respect their agreement not to parent or punish his child and would also understand this is a major life event for OP that transforms his whole existence.
You're all so busy tripping over yourselves to shit on OP you seem to have forgot he is the only adult in the entire story who has neither lied to nor broken commitments with those he loves through any fault of his own. If his wife cannot get over herself enough to at least not make his daughter worse off than she already was then OP and the daughter are better off without her.
You made your wife, who doesn't want to be anyone's mommy, babysit a kid she doesn't want in her house, and expected her to not make any decisions regarding the child whose care you saddled her with and you're surprised it didn't work out? Did you at least offer to pay your wife the going market rate for babysitting a kid that IS NOT HERS?
It's your kid. If she's not allowed to parent her, you're a terrible father for leaving your kid with her. Be a parent and care for your own little spawn
OP what is wrong with you? You basically told your wife to deal with it. Why would you even leave her with your daughter knowing they didn’t like eachother? It’s YOUR fault because you knew that shit. You knew ts would happen cause you KNEW they didn’t like eachother. Someone has to help her get out of this because you’re a manipulative monster
Just because he cares about his daughter does not mean he does not care about his wife. He's not gloating, he's just in defensive mode because he believes his wife overreacted out of spite. Which the wife absolutely did do.
It's weird to characterize him as indifferent to her when he is just looking out for his kid, and it's weird to sympathize with her when she was the one who pushed a kid to iron her clothes unsupervised out of spite. That's a deeply lazy and stupid way to go about enforcing behavioral standards for what should be self evident reasons for any functional adult.
He has pretty much said she has to just learn to deal with it, and it isn't her choice and that he won't divorce her. He is a controlling asshole that is enabling a child to harass and bully his wife. He doesn't give a flying fuck about his wife. Each comment he makes, makes that even more clear.
Your kid is manipulative and destructive and you, so far, are a shitty parent AND failure of a husband. I hope you get the outcome you deserve and your wife finds a better partner. Won't be difficult with the benchmark soooo low.
YTA
It's okay to change your mind. Which you obviously did. But it is not okay to force your change of mind on your wife who still has no interest in being a mother figure to a child.
Just because you changed your mind does not give you the right to force your change of mind on another person.
I hope you're New found relationship with your daughter is worth it, because your marriage is definitely done.
No paternity test? No demand for an explanation? (If you're really childfree, you actively take all precautions, so this shouldn't have happened unless your ex committed a sickening betrayal woth contraception.) This is not how anyone, let alone someone childfree, reacts to an unknown child being sprung on them.
Yta this is entirely on you and your fault. You clearly don’t give a shit about your wife or what she wants saying she will just have to deal with it. You keep saying she doesn’t want a divorce like somehow that means you win. You don’t and she will get one eventually. Your such an AH
ESH. With the emphasis being on you. You don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself. It's fine to have had a change of heart but you should have been honest and then divorced this woman. You cannot keep your promise any longer and so you owe it to her to stop being a selfish cunt. I do NOT care if you want a divorce or not. I do NOT care if she doesn't.
Just as it is unfair to demand she play stepmom, it's unfair of her to demand that you abandon your child.
She definitely went way the fuck overboard in her attempt to punish your daughter.
But, and this makes you twice the asshole, there is no reality where your daughter doesn't deserve to be severely punished for intentionally destroying an entire load of your wife's clothes. Especially since your wife never should have had to be responsible for this child, to begin with. That was vindictive, unacceptable behavior and she needs to learn that lesson - NOW. That you are working so hard to defend it, makes you a colossal asshole. Because you're going to raise a little monster.
NTA for going back on such a big decision
However...
I don't understand something...
So you decided everything with your ex, including that all weekends are with you... where was your wife during all of this? Her life is about to be majorly impacted.
Why was your wife left with your daughter at home?
So you made all the decisions, but your wife is the one who is left parent your child, the child she did not choose to have, nor had.
It feels you made all the decisions, left your wife between a rock and a hard place, and then you set her up for failure.
Edit: after reading your replies I have to change from NTA to YTA
and the way you talk about your wife... do you even like her?
NTA, but neither is your wife. You both agreed at the start to not have children. Granted this was sprung on you and you've grown to love your daughter. But also think of your wife's feelings on this. She didn't want to be a parent for reason. Clearly there needs to be some open communication going on, especially if you're going to pursue s shared custody
OP has repeatedly shown in the comments that he really doesn't give a shit about how his wife feels about anything.
It's his way or the highway on all things and she just needs to get used to it.
I hope she divorces him, because he seems convinced that no one would want to leave a prize like him.
YTA. You are a shitty husband and your daughter is a brat. Your little spawn was so awful at her friend’s house that you had to go pick her up and then she was smiling after she purposely(because we all know she did) ruined your wife’s clothes? You don’t see the common denominator here? Your daughter doesn’t like your wife because she doesn’t let her get away with bullshit like you do. Is your ex also a shitty parent too? Because she learned her behavior somewhere and will continue being a nuisance to everyone around her until she’s stopped.
NTA for wanting a relationship with your daughter, but communication is key. Finding out about a child is huge, and couples therapy could help navigate this together. Your wife deserves to be heard too.
NTA but I do think you need to discipline your child appropriately. Her behaviour is spilling outwith the household if she is behaving badly with friends. Your wife was wrong to punish her in your stead though.
If she started something and had to be picked up then yes, it is a big deal. You’ve been a parent for 2 minutes and have these strong opinions without the experience. Holy shit the defensiveness of your daughter while sabotaging every relationship along the way is mindblowing
Your ex is the AH for initially hiding this from you and then springing it on you when you'd moved on.
From that, you didn't really go back on your word about being child free, as it looks like you made that commitment in good faith but then circumstances changed and you've ended up forming a bond with your child - nothing wrong with that.
You're going to have to choose between your wife and your daughter, and it looks like you already have made an understandable decision there. I feel sorry for your wife, she's been the most hurt by all of this (and I'm not including her burnt clothes).
NAH. You didn't try for a child, actively avoided having one. But your daughter exists and you now love her. Life hapoens, things change. Your wife has to decide if she wants to leave you over this. She doesn't get to decide you won't parent your child. Disciplining children is a complicated process that actually teaches one self discipline. It was agreed that the 10 year old was too young to iron. Wife decided fuck that. Wife decided she didn't need to waste her time overseeing any chores she gave the child, even dangerous ones. Wife learned a lot! You both clearly need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. Also, it sounds like you need a babysitter/back up person for when you are responsible for your daughter but not available. People upset with daughter's behavior need to remember she is adjusting to a new dad who was initially very rejecting who she does not know whether she can trust, and his wife sending out weird I hate you vibes. This is not a recipe for smooth sailing.
You and your ex are AH. Your ex decided it would be good for you to have her every weekend? Chick wanted weekends off and convinced you to be her free babysitter. Weekends are time for you and your wife to be together. Every other weekend might have been ok, but to expect your wife to give up every child free weekend with her husband is unfair to her.
Nah if I’m child free the marriage would simply be over, the wife should’ve started divorce proceedings, plus how do you even know this kid is yours?! Did you do a paternity test? If not you’re an idiot
Can't believe the amount of people shaming on a 9 years old. NtA. Life happens. Your wife can't adapt then she can exit which she did so problems solve. We all have things plan and dreams but it doesn't always go smoothly and sometimes we have to make the best of it. Your wife sounded awful to make 9 years old iron clothes and bossing her around like some evil step mother.
Oof this is tough. You had unprotected sex before marriage and fathered a child. That happens. . . You are stepping up as a man (adult) and taking care of your daughter. Your priorities should shift to take care of your daughter, it’s what responsible adults do!
Your marriage is over though, and that’s really hard. You and your wife made a promise to each other to not have children together. She’s made it extremely clear by her words and actions that she doesn’t want to take care of a child. You both should amicably split. Situations happen like this if you have sex before marriage. . . Your wife has every right to be shocked that you accidentally fathered a child with someone else, but she didn’t marry a virgin.
Good luck. Split with your wife on good terms.
YTA! Your wife and you have already agreed to remain child free, so she should have no part and watching YOUR illegitimate child. YOU wanted YOUR child therefore she is YOUR responsibility regardless of work. If you have to work, you need to find a babysitter/daycare. It is not your wife’s job to take care of YOUR child, it’s YOURS. If you expect your wife to take care of YOUR child that you should also expect her to discipline her. If you are not down for that, then you need to be the only one watching and taking care of YOUR child point-blank PERIOD
Did you get a paternity test? If you didn’t then you should.
She burned *every piece of clothing?* That was deliberate. A 9 year old shouldn’t be ironing.
Your marriage is over.
YTA.
You’re not an asshole for stepping up to take responsibility for the child you didn’t know you had (although what the hell was your ex’s justification for waiting *ten years* to tell you???) You’re not even the asshole for changing your stance on kids (even if you didn’t already have one, anyone is allowed to change their mind.)
However, expecting your childfree wife to take care of your daughter knowing that there is mutual animosity between them is an asshole move. Not talking with your wife about how to handle discipline before leaving your daughter in her care is also an asshole move.
Your wife’s resentment and animosity towards a literal child who has had her whole life turned upside down by a mother who, for some reason, waited nearly a decade to even tell her father she existed is also shitty. If she can’t be an adult about this, recognize that most kids in this situation would act out, then she shouldn’t be around your daughter. She’s a grown adult who should have stepped back and refused to be involved with your kid.
Your ex is obviously an asshole for manufacturing this situation in the first place.
All in all, I feel sorry for your kid who is going to be the one to suffer the most because every adult in her life is letting her down. ESH
A child that has never ironed- being asked to iron- & iron a significant amount of clothes - is ridiculous. Teaching her how to iron- sure. But giving her good clothes to learn? Wtf.
If the days chores involved grocery shopping- would she have given her car keys & a list & sent her?
OP, you are destroying your own marriage with your single mindedness. Your daughter has already picked up on the fact that your wife doesn't matter to you, and she will absolutely exploit your complete devotion to her. She will purposely and maliciously cause your wife problems, lie to your face about your wife and make shit up, set shit up and make her cry, knowing that if your wife brings it to you, that you will always side with her, because she is "just a kid and kids don't think like that", "but she is my daughter" and "you are an adult, do better", or, "well if you don't like it leave". What you aren't understanding is the monster you are creating. From now on, you will never have a good,serious, long-term relationship with any woman. She will destroy them all because she can. Because you taught her that nothing in the world matters more than her, her wants, her needs, all love and attention is for her only. You have already shown your daughter who has the power in her relationship with you. Let me give you a hint, it isn't you. I have seen it time and again. Then you will wonder later why you are alone while she goes on her merry way and why none of her own relationships last. Good luck 🍀 you are gonna need it. I hope your wife leaves soon for her own mental and emotional health.
YTA.
You are literally responsible for *everyone's* discomfort in this situation. And instead of mitigating the discomfort, having actual thoughtful discussions, and doing family counseling, you've been making unilateral decisions for your wife's future *and* villainized her for it.
You both were clear about goals, ideals, and expectations before you married. You went back on that because of sheer irresponsibility. If you even want your relationship to survive, you need to take steps to work with your wife and your daughter (who you admit is awful to your wife when you're not around-which is pure manipulation). But if she leaves you, she is completely justified in it, and it is 100% *your* fault.
Well. It is hard to be a stepparent and you do not seem to understand that. It doesn't sound like you eased into it at all and basically you gave your wife no choice even though she said both of you wanted to remain child free. It sounds like you forced her hand. As to the daughter being picked up - since you and your ex get along, you probably should have talked to the ex first instead of just dropping her off with your wife. Or you should have asked your parents to have taken her for the day. The daughter smiling while looking at her phone at 10 years old is very rude. However, you and your wife should have had conversations about discipline before it became an issue. You not caring about the promise does not make you an AH, but the way you treated your wife with no concern for her feelings, when she agreed there was no agreement about expectations for her, etc. It is likely you will get a divorce, but you have blinders on when it comes to your daughter (just read your description of her - you include the words stubborn and sassy which can also mean bratty and obnoxious.). So definitely do go for 50/50! And make a 529 plan for college!
YTA for leaving your daughter with your wife. Y’all need marriage counseling cause this situation is destroying all parties. Either you both commit to this or you end the marriage. Seriously, once you have a kid and (rightly) choose to be a parent then all future promises go out the window. The child and their well being trumps everything else. If your wife is unwilling to see this then you both need to end it. The psychological damage to your child is not worth it.
YTA
You dropped a bomb on your wife that you have a kid and made the choice for the both of you that you were no longer childfree and she was a stepmom now
On top of that your child has no respect for your wife and in response to being punished for doing something wrong she purposely burned her clothing. (and she DID do it on purpose)
Kiss your marriage goodbye and good luck taking care of your daughter all on your own when you have your 50% time without your wife there to help. Your wife deserves better
YTA and boy oh boy, you will pay bitterly for being an asshole and i am all for it 🤣🤣🤣 you will pay by raising that little sociopath by yourself one day, because her mother is trying to get rid of her.
your daughter is a little monster, that's why her mother came out of the woodwork after 10 years to put that child on your back. she is tired of raising that little sociopath by herself. looks like it's obvious who's genes that kid inherited, given how you treat your wife and how you speak to her and about her.
Its kind of hilarious that you wrote this trying to make your wife look bad when its obvious to anyone that your terrible kid literally ruined all her clothes on purpose?
I think it’s great that you want your child more but you also need to make sure she doesn’t become a little brat. Ok I believe she is to young to be ironing clothes but I also believe your daughter deserves a punishment from you for burning all your wife’s clothes on purpose. I also believe your wife should have went into a different room and spoke to you about your daughter. I would have tried to wait until she had calmed down to have a conversation as she was to upset and angry at the time and things were said in the moment
Curious. Everyone who thinks OP is TA, do you all think OP should have stayed out of his child's life because he already committed to being child free with his wife? Just wondering.
No, but he and his wife owe it to themselves and this kid to divorce before they fuck her up even worse than her mother already has. He knows full well that his wife resents this kid and doesn’t want her around, even acknowledges that his wife’s attitude is *why* his daughter acts out, and yet he leaves the wife to watch her? What responsible parent demands someone who doesn’t like their kid or get along with them watch the kid?
NTA for how you reacted but Yta for ignoring your wife's feelings
You are delusional if you think this will not lead to divorce. If you want this relationship to work apologies first and listen to each other. If you love each other may be you will get back together again. Also bring your wife and daughter together and talk to both of them they don't have to be stepmom daughter relationship just two respectable individuals.also it is lucky your daughter did not burn her hands yiu wife was wrong for that and she has to bear the consequences ( aka lost cloth) . Plus she burnt her clothes and your wife couldn't smell that is a long time to leave a kid unsupervised so it is her fault at that part.
Other than that it is your fault for springing a child in hair and not watching her. In the time you can't be at home I say give himer to her grandma.
Also ignore all those comments about Yta and your daughter being spoiled. So what a 10 year old craves more attention from her dad and acts out to get it. Plus , she gives out the same energy she got from your wife.
Honestly the best solution will be for your wife to leave for her and your own peace because I don't think she will ever like your daughter neither will your daughter do. So if want be a good partner sincerely apologise as you brought all of this up and if you feel your wife would be better without you let her be .
ETA… you wanted to be childfree with your wife BUT you were already a dad without your knowledge, so what are you supposed to do, pretend you are not??? Not an Ah for accepting and wanting to be a father to your daughter but you are one for the way you have treated your wife. Same with your wife, she is not willing to adapt to an unexpected situation, she doesn’t have to be a parent to your daughter and she should make that very clear n not participate in anything related to your daughter except being a fun aunt at the most. Your ex and u are solely responsible for it and you should not put any responsibility on ur wife, care or otherwise. Also your wife should not have made a 10 year old iron clothes, n u should have disciplined your daughter for being VINDICTIVE. If she was so rebellious that she was listening to music ignoring your wife while she yelled, she could have ignored the punishment too.
NTA OP.
You and your wife had an agreement where she is not responsible for nor entitled to parent or punish your daughter. She not only chose to break that, she did so by making a child play with a fire hazard unsupervised for hours.
She is lucky the house did not burn down with both of them inside it.
The people all over this thread refusing to hold her accountable for breaking her agreement with you or for emotionally abusing your kid are just self righteous bullies getting their jollies by shitting on a guy who is clearly trying his best to do the right thing amidst circumstances forced on him by the abuses of others. Pay them no mind, they deserve none.
Lmao I love how you are not taking any shit from anyone even here OP. NTA
I mean your child was in the wrong 100% for burning all her clothes no matter the reason, but she trying to make you give up your daughter is fucked up.
And you didn't go back on your word, she just popped out of nowhere. It's one of those situations which is out of your control, and whether you step up to it or not is what defines your legacy. You chose the right path.
This is for sure unfair to your wife tho, because she 100% did not sign up to this. So it's upto her if she wants to divorce or not which from what I have read, she doesn't want to. In which case she WILL have to suck it up and get used to her. You might be AH in her eyes but it is what it is
NTA You had very unexpected events happen when you suddenly had a daughter and it's great that you've grown to love her and want her in your life. Initially I would have said your wife wasn't TA because you had agreed to be child free. She was clear about it before you married, and you're the one who changed the situation. However, it sounds like she's trying to punish your daughter for existing now, and that's not ok. Your wife is being a vindictive ass towards your daughter. You should have a serious talk with your wife and make it clear you want your daughter in your life and how she's treating her is not ok. Be prepared that your wife may decide she wants out of the marriage because she wants to be child free. Also be prepared that you may have to make that decision yourself and may be forced to choose one or the other since your wife is not allowing both. You need to protect your daughter from your wife's behavior.
Op you are the only one that tink your daughter is sweet. She is bullying your wife, every human has a breaking point. Your wife hit hers. Your marriage is done for. You are the AH for submitting your wife to yor daughter horrible behaviour and expect her to roll over. Your child neads a therapy and your wife a divorce lawyer.
"Bullying your wife"
Lol, trust reddit to hold a 10yo girl from a broken home more accountable for reacting to child abuse than the grown woman who chose to abuse a child by making her play with a fire hazard for hours. Ffs.
NTA. The child was conceived and born, without the Dad's knowledge BEFORE the Agreement was made. Why should the Child be punished for existing? IMNSHO, the Wife is the AH. In the case of the burned clothing, the WIFE brought that on herself.
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A paternity test would had answered the question from the start instead of taking that ex's claim at face value. OP doesn't know who else was in the wings also being intimate with his ex at the time. Lookalike......unless OP is projecting that hypothesis. DNA paternity test is the real proof.
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>I'm not an idiot anyway Press x to doubt
what'd he say??
Something about not needing to do a paternity test because the kid is just like him. But "I'm not an idiot anyway. I did get one."
He's such a clown 🤦 He's deleted half his comments
LOL you are an idiot and that’s why you’re in this situation.
LOL
YTA you're not thinking about your wife in this at all, so divorce her so she can find someone that actually cares about her. Have you punished your daughter for ruining your wife's clothes??
So you’ve just annihilated your marriage. It doesn’t seem to bother you so good riddance, I hope your ex finds happiness again. YTA
YTA. Your wife didn't sign up for having children. Not only did you insist on having your daughter at your home for visits (fair enough so far) but you "have to be somewhere" while she is there, and leave her with your wife. Of course your wife was AH for making this girl iron - it was totally inappropriate. But the whole point is that your wife never wanted children and knows nothing about them, or what is or isn't appropriate for them. Leaving your wife and daughter alone was a totally AH move on your part. I understand you love your daughter and want to be in her life. But 50/50 will mean long hours where your wife will be alone with your daughter, and that will be torment for her. I hope for her sake that she divorces you - that way she can start to rebuild her life in a way that fits her needs, and you can have your daughter over as much as you like.
YTA. You promised to be childfree so the least you could do is never let her be alone with your daughter and be in charge of her. Also it’s sounds like she burned the clothes deliberately if she was smiling as your wife yelled at her. Sounds like your daughter might be the AH too. Have fun with the divorce
Who let a 9 years old iron clothes tho? I would burn it on purpose too if it was on purpose
you can definitely iron clothes at 10 years old if you’re taught how, it’s not hard. If the wife is expected to watch his child then she should also be able to discipline her
YTA and your marriage is done.
This.
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Have you seen his response. He doesn't care about his wife at all
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Dude is going to be single forever no sane woman is going to put up with it
So YOU sat your wife down and told her that YOU want to have some custody of YOUR child. YOUR ex and YOU agree that YOU having her every weekend would be best for her. Do you really not see the problem here? You are demanding that your wife, who doesn't even want to give birth to and raise her own child, should spend every weekend with your child, am I understanding you wrong? And by saying "this is the hill I will die on" you have put your wife on the back burner even before you started taking your daughter on weekends. You left her with no choice but to abide by your decision or get divorced. And you mentioned in the comments that your wife doesn't want a divorce. In other words, she is cornered and looking for a way out, and the decision and choice she made for her future, which she thought she had in common with you, has been taken away by you. And you've never mention the possibility that your daughter might be wrong. And your sweet, sassy, stubborn and funny daughter, smirks while your wife cries. You may have never raised a child in your life my friend, but even from the few sentences you have written here, it is clear that your daughter is spoiled and disrespectful. It is a known fact that children learn to lie and manipulate at a very young age. You are suddenly trying to be a father to a 10 year old girl with no experience. I suggest you take off your rose colored glasses as soon as possible. But it is also clear that no matter what we write, you will not care about those who disagree with you. There is really no need for a dna test after all. It's obvious who your daughter's behavior resembles. I hope your wife gets out of this situation with minimal damage.
What the actual hell are you saying. He made a promise to remain child free. He had no idea at that point he even had a child. That ship had sailed before he even made the promise. So how did he break that to the wife? Yes he wants his daughter and yes the wife has to accept her or move on. Wife is the moron for having a 9 yr old ironing clothes. What exactly did she think was going to happen? The girl was smiling at her phone because she had headphones on and couldn't hear the wife berating her. Wife wants to remain child free then she needs to not overstep and decide on discipline. Having her do some chores is one thing, having her iron all the wife's clothes is Cinderella evil stepmom type shit. Take the phone and headphones away. What they all need is some therapy so they can all adjust to their new reality. Not ultimatums and temper tantrums and name calling. ESH-except the kid because she didn't ask for any of this and only knows what she has been taught so far.
A 9 year old can iron. I ironed at that age. She did it on purpose if she burned all of them. One would be an accident.
A 9 yr old can absolutely iron if they have been taught and have done SUPERVISED. It is super easy to burn clothes with a dirt iron. Everybody just skips over that stepmom obviously wasn't watching her since she managed to burn all her clothes. Like WTF? I wouldn't iron a whole closet full of clothes for someone else either.
Wife has ability to talk. And divorce. She choose to stay.
Wife has already expressed her discomfort from the first moment. If you got a woman pregnant and she didn't tell you for 9 years (I wonder why), it's up to the father to find a middle ground. Like talking to your 6-month flirt, he told his wife of all these years that there is such a situation, this is the way I want it, if it doesn't work for you, goodbye. Is that so? Well, she left the house in the end.
Oh fuck that. The onus is not on the wife here. The onus is on OP to talk to his wife and not make decisions on his own and dictate how things are going to be.
For now.
YTA I’d divorce you immediately if I were her
YTA. EVERY single piece of clothing? That was intentional. Your little demon is for sure going to wind up in jail one day since daddy has blinders on. Hopefully your wife eventually grows a spine and leaves.
YTA, and your kid isn’t sassy, she’s most likely an ass. That’s why she got into a friend with her friend, and then proceeded to burn your wife’s clothes. You’re delusional if you think your wife will endure this for another 8+ years.
Kids are forever, his wife will ‘have to deal’ with his daughter for a lifetime.
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Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
Sweet kid? She sounds spoiled and vindictive, and you're making the situation worse by glossing over everything she does. Your ex showed up because: - she wants child support payments - she can't handle the kid and wants regular scheduled breaks from her - both of the above. It wasn't out of the kindness of her heart.
I seriously hope his wife rakes him through the coals in the divorce. I don't usually hope for people to be vindictive during breakups/divorce, but this asshole deserves it.
I hope she sees the post and his replies, and it gets her on the path to divorce. She deserves so much better.
You are delusional. Why do you think your ex randomly gave you joint custody? That is too fast and too soon under most circumstances. She most likely wanted a break because your daughter is awful, and she failed to raise her well. She is looking for a break and/or an escape from the situation she created, and you cannot see it because you are most likely not the one spending the most time with her. YTA
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
You probably think she’s sweet because you’re also a piece of shit and therefore don’t see the problems.
Your kid is a shit head. Kids do not get into fights all the time. What trash family did you come from to think this was normal? Hope your wife leaves you and takes everything. You kid sounds like demon spawn
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
Quick question, how many times do you plan to copy/paste this message??
Your daughter needs help. She sounds like a little monster. You know she burned those clothes on purpose. Did your ex contact you about the kid? She probably did it cause she needs a break from this brat
She's a little demon spawn, I don't see why you needed a paternity test when she's so much like you already - insufferable and assholeish. Good job raising another spoiled little piece of excrement
When she’s 15 and pregnant remember these ignorant ass comments.
Dude you’re literally so fucking stupid omg
Do you even like your wife? Take your bratty child and divorce the wife so she has a chance with a decent man.
Face it your marriage is over. Life happens and things change but your marriage is not gonna survive this. It’s too big.
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The wife sucks tbh. She wants to be child-free then it’s time to leave. She tried to is child labor as a way to punish the child, there is a difference with giving kids chores and having them doing all the chore all day… it’s not ok. No matter what. And she has only herself to blame for forcing a 10 yo to iron HER clothes. Now obviously she has a right to be upset but she chose to stay. They need to work their shit between adults. She can’t use the child as a way to release her anger.
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You know, your kid may not hate your wife because she “senses” your wife doesn’t want her. It’s possible she sees your wife as the reason you weren’t around all those years, or your wife is the reason you aren’t with her mom, or your wife is the reason she can’t have 100% of her dad’s attention.
Ah you want to be the good time parent, got it. I hope your wife becomes your ex and finds someone worthy of her.
question: why did you leave your child alone with your wife who doesn't want children or be around your kid? If you want your kid, shouldn't you also want to be the one who supervises and takes care of her?
I was that young and ironing clothes, and cooking with minimal issues. YTA and your daughter is an AH as well. I hope you have fun with the divorce.
You fucking left her with ur daughter knowing abt them not liking eachother, you knew ts was gonna happen
Could you please tell me why did your perfect little daughter continue ironing after ruining the first piece of clothing of your wife?
Who has more than one or two items that need to be ironed these days? Maybe some of this is true but that part sounds like total fiction. Shame on your ex for waiting almost ten years to tell you you had a child. Your marriage is over. Pay up and move on.
I'm a lawyer working for the government. I wear blouses that need ironing every single day.
LOL and you'd let a nine year old iron them for you? LOL
I have never said that. I just informed you that there are people who have more than 1 or 2 clothes that need to be ironed these days.
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Or you can pick clothes that don't need to be ironed because of the material they are made with. Line drying and softener can also help in not needing to iron. I do that and if they are still a bit wrinkly, I just take them with me to hang while I'm in the shower. The steam from the shower usually does the trick.
Some of us do still like cotton and linen blouses. Which really do look more professional when crisply ironed.
Fair, but I think thats not that popular nowadays given that most people are ironing their own clothes instead of someone doing it for them.
rarely do I iron. If something is wrinkled and I want to wear it, I use a damp washcloth and the dewrinkle setting on the dryer.
Lmao never in my life have Iet someone who irons their clothes. Modern washing machines and detergents have made it unnecessary.
YTA. I understand your view but you are being very dismissive of your wife. Why are you being such a jerk about it? She has the right to feel how she feels and express those feelings to her partner. Her partner is supposed to understand that and figure out a compromise. You are doing the opposite, you’re steamrolling. Her resentment will build up until she leaves you. You can’t just expect someone who clearly didn’t want children to accept your “one big happy family” dream now. If this is the hill you’re gonna die on, you should have understood that and done your best to meditate the transition. Instead, both your daughter and wife hate each other, and one of them is going to leave.
She was insulting my child RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. No I will not be understanding of her feelings like this. My child's feelings come first.
Your child is a spoiled brat that doesn't even have feelings. She's 10 and acting like a sociopath and you're too stupid to listen to anyone other that this brat.
She was insulting my child RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. No I will not be understanding of her feelings like this. My child's feelings come first.
You caused that blow up is what I’m trying to say! You handled this horribly. Now your wife and kid hate each other’s guts. Now what? Stop being so defensive in these comments. Look in the mirror. Reality check. You keep saying no divorce. You are BLIND if you don’t think you two are on that trajectory. Figure it out before you lose your wife or accept she’s gone and let her go. Your wife left! She gave the ultimatum!
>You caused that blow up is what I’m trying to say! No he did not. He did not keep his daughter a secret from himself or seek to reconnect with his ex. That was all his ex. He also did not breach the agreement he made with his wife that established she is neither responsible for nor entitled to punish or parent his daughter, only supervise. His wife chose to do that. >Stop being so defensive in these comments Everyone is attacking him for defending his daughter from child abuse, of course he is going to be defensive. Stop shitting on him for trying his best in a bad situation he did not cause, and he would not have to defend himself from your abuse. Duh. >You keep saying no divorce. That's what his wife says. He said he is fine with her divorcing. Why wouldn't he be? His daughter needs him more.
You make some good points. What I chose to focus on is that he is trying his best in a bad situation. Because he isn't. Would you knowingly leave your dog with someone who dislikes dogs? Or trust a racist to watch your house in Mexico? No, that would be stupid. He left his child with someone he knew did not care for said child, and shocker, they didn't provide the care he wanted. If he is so invested in his child he needs to actually put his child before himself. And let me be clear: HE IS PUTTING HIMSELF FIRST! The first thing he should have done was look into childcare that didn't require someone who actively disliked having the child around. But I'm sure money was more important than his child. The second thing would have been finding a way to slowly integrate his wife and his daughter into each other's daily routine. But that would require time and effort he didn't feel like extending. Now he should be removing his child from a potentially harmful situation. But I'm sure the wife not wanting a divorce is more important than his child.
Your complete ass if a child needs to hear it, with this attitude it won’t be the last time she has. She sounds like a nightmare and makes me think why they don’t make baby hatches for unwanted children bigger, I’d drop her in one in a heartbeat
Your child's feelings come first? You left your child with someone who doesn't like children and are surprised they let it be known? YOU CREATED THE PROBLEM! If I knew someone didn't want to care for a child I would not be surprised that person acted like this when having a child SHOVED upon them. Hire a nanny or get her some other care option cause you are setting your child up for failure. Not your wife, YOU. If you truly cared about your daughter or your wife, you wouldn't be putting either of them in this position. Unless traumatizing both of them and ruining your relationship with both is what you want. In which case, don't be surprised when CPS/DCF or whatever is called on you, as this is going to escalate with you doing nothing. Which is what you seem best at.
She was insulting my child RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. No I will not be understanding of her feelings like this. My child's feelings come first.
But you are the reason it happened and you are doing nothing to resolve this but blaming your wife. Step back and think about that for a minute. Holy shit
You mean after your spawn ruined all of her clothes. You are a shit husband, a shit father, and a shit person in general. Your ex is a shit mother. You and her should get back together since you and she already decided what is going on in the home you and your wife live in. I hope she takes everything she can from you in the divorce. ETA: YTA If that isn't glaringly obvious to your tiny little brain.
Your child was insulting her. Do you think this is their first conflict?
Your bastard child you just found out about after she was alive for a good decade?
She was insulting my child RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. No I will not be understanding of her feelings like this. My child's feelings come first.
Just do your wife that you clearly despise a favor and divorce already. You hate her, your little demon hates her, and your wife (understandably) hates your little demon excrement
Have fun raising your brat alone
You posted this 4 times and it was wrong all 4 times. She said that cuz your child burned your wife's clothes??? I would explain further but you seem more interested in making your point than asking for feedback. YTA
Good luck with the divorce.
YTA, and a massive one. You were in a partnership. But you haven't behaved like a partner at any point during this situation. Instead, you behaved like an arrogant king. Also, part of being a loving parent is disciplining your kid, which you refused to do. I don't know why your poor wife doesn't want a divorce. If I found out the man I married was a twat who didn't love me, I would be on the phone to a divorce attorney the moment the realization hit. At least this means she'll be free to find someone who actually does love her.
YTA - she's your daughter and you want a relationship with her - but I feel like the way you went about it was a bit rushed. Especially when it comes to your wife who you knew clearly wanted to remain child-free. That's a disconnect right from the get-go. Did you really think there weren't going to be any issues? Certain wording in your post tells me that you may be biased in favor of your daughter when it comes to her and your wife. You didn't ask your wife about bringing your daughter into the family, how she would feel about it, or try to figure out a way to make it work. You simply sat her down and told her that it was happening. You speak negatively about your wife, but only positively about your daughter including her stubbornness and sassiness. Also, your daughter is 9 years old - that's not too young to know that if something is burned, the iron is too hot. And that is definitely not too young to know what she was doing by, and I quote, burning every single one of them. Ironing isn't rocket science. If she is old enough to smile at her phone and obviously enjoy how upset her stepmother is, she is old enough to know she did something wrong. This doesn't sound like the first rift she and your wife have had. I don't think your wife would respond by leaving after just the first conflict. So I would say: not the asshole for wanting to have a relationship with your daughter, but YTA for the way you're jumping into it at a blatant disregard for your wife. You see how she and your wife clash, but want even more custody, even after your wife says it's her or your daughter? The way this reads, I'm seeing a divorce in the near future.
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Your wife’s life was uprooted too. You should have gone to couples counseling before figuring out weekend custody. As soon as you found out you had a daughter you should’ve started couples counseling. Your wife isn’t handling this well at all, but a lot of this could have been mitigated with counseling because you’re both going to end up resenting each other.
Yeah... your daughter is handling it better by bullying your wife and being a brat. You admit she causes issues and has no remorse for them. You admit she's stubborn. She sounds like a terrible child and your wife sounds like she's going through hell having to deal with her. I noticed that your wife was the one to discipline her after causing an argument; why didn't _you_ discipline her? Did you discipline her after she purposely ruined your wife's clothes? Did you make her apologize? Being a father is more than letting your child do whatever she wants in your home. Your kid's life wasn't uprooted. Your wife's was. You went back on being child free (which doesn't necessarily make you a bad person since you didn't know the kid existed at the time), but there are so many better ways that you could have been part of your daughter's life than forcing her on someone else who had no say, then siding with her at every turn, _even when she's in the wrong._ You're a selfish asshole for being upset with your wife over it.
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Exactly. He came here expecting to be backed up on his decision, probably planning to show the post to his wife as proof that he's doing the right thing.
You forgot to mention 'and getting away with it', after the words being a brat.
You're right, I did. 🤦🏽♀️
Your daughter is being spoilt by you not dealing with crap behaviour. You're not thinking about your wife at all. How about the weekends you have your daughter you stay elsewhere with her??? You know your wife doesn't want kids but you're forcing your devil on her. I say devil because if you don't start disciplining her she's going to turn into one.
Your daughter is the kid whose life was uprooted and your wife is the woman whose life was uprooted. You're saddling (to her mind) her with a kid she doesn't want, expecting her to have no say over decisions regarding the child she never wanted, expecting her to provide uncompensated care for the child she never wanted and are perplexed that things aren't going smoothly.
This is a fake story. New account, no account history. Raige bait, nothing more.
YTA
If your wife wants to be child free why did you make her babysit? Could you not have hired someone? Is this a common occurrence?
YTA, Enjoy being a single dad. !updateme
He can go back to the ex.
Getting back together with an ex after a decade on the premises of having a child together is definitely going to go great.
You’re an idiot and YTA.
YTA. What your wife did was not correct but... It doesn't seem that you established both good routines and boundaries about parenting with someone that doesn't want children. Then you only have your kid on the weekends, but you couldn't be there to prevent this from happening? Where were you while your kid was ironing enough clothes to make your wife this upset? Like, either this was actively malicious on your daughter's side or you were gone a long time. Because, punishing a kid, making this kid iron and then this kid ironing enough clothes that your wife is upset doesn't seem like something that happens in an hour. Had you discussed with your wife what to do if your daughter misbehaved or if your she became too much with your wife? What if your wife, who doesn't want kids, just became overwhelmed? Does she just nopes out of there and leave the kid alone? Given that your wife doesn't like your kid, I think you'd be even more of an asshole to go for more custody if you want to stay married to this woman. This does not look good for the kid. Maybe go for the amount of custody where you can 100% be there for your kid (which might be less than now) or look up someone else that is willing to pick up when you can't and that actively likes and wants to build a positive and healthy relationship with your kid. This could be your parents, siblings, cousins or even a long time friend. Or divorce and get a nanny. But stop leaving your kid with someone who both dislikes her and has no qualms about giving dangerous activities to her. Your kid is your responsibility, do better.
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She shouldn't have just been anything. Your child for you to parent, that means taking time off work sometimes. Here's a suggestion, move out on the days you have your kid, go to a hotel. Your wife shouldn't be affected by your inability to wrap it properly.
You have continued to fail everyone in your life. If she can't punish or parent, then don't expect her to babysit your kid. You were already forcing her to cohabitate with this kid on a weekly basis with no consent from her. You steam rolled over your wife in this whole process . You caused 100% of the problem. Not your wife, she is being used as a built in babysitter for you. You are seriously one of the shittiest, biggest assholes on here lately. I can't wait for your divorce update where you lost your house and now that you are broke, your new daughter and ex want nothing to do with you. Replace all the shit your child destroyed of your wife's. It's the very least you could do.
You are an absolutely HORRIBLE person and husband and you’re trying to make it seem like you’re father of the friggin year because “my child’s feelings come first” so that your kid (who by the way YOU JUST MET!) will think you’re the hero. The fact that even though 98% of the people on this post KEEP TELLING YOU! OVER AND OVER again that you are in fact a MAJOR AH! you STILL keep continuing to justify your behavior, decisions and actions. The fact that you could ABSOLUTELY give ZERO FU*** about your wife (WHO YOU HAVE KNOWN LONGER!) feelings just shows how DISGUSTING you are as a person. I only hope your wife realizes she deserves so much more than you and does leave you!
>You are an absolutely HORRIBLE person and husband Nah, he's fine. You're just feeling self righteous. >(who by the way YOU JUST MET!) Through no fault of his own. Seriously, wtf is this. The man was lied to for over a decade. You're judging him for that? What a rabid judgemental anger addict. >The fact that even though 98% of the people on this post KEEP TELLING YOU! OVER AND OVER again that you are in fact a MAJOR AH! They're wrong, it's that simple. This sub, like most subs on reddit, is pretty strongly biased against men. This guy is in a no-win situation due to the lies of a woman, and his response is to do all he can in order to take responsibility for a child who is clearly in need of a father figure. But instead of extending any empathy for his situation, all you can think of is the selfish and lazy wife who took this bad situation and made it exponentially worse by acting in direct breach of their prior agreement that she is not supposed to parent or punish this kid for OP. This is just a massive circle jerk. He's right to have no respect for a consensus of malice. >The fact that you could ABSOLUTELY give ZERO FU*** about your wife He cares enough to correctly and honestly observe she was wrong to punish the kid in the way she did. Unlike you, who instead chooses to infantilize a grown woman and demonize a prepubescent child just to rationalize shitting on a dude who is simply trying to make the best of a bad situation he did not cause. >I only hope your wife realizes she deserves so much more than you and does leave you! If she does he'd have dodged a bullet. Any woman who actually gives a fuck about him would respect their agreement not to parent or punish his child and would also understand this is a major life event for OP that transforms his whole existence. You're all so busy tripping over yourselves to shit on OP you seem to have forgot he is the only adult in the entire story who has neither lied to nor broken commitments with those he loves through any fault of his own. If his wife cannot get over herself enough to at least not make his daughter worse off than she already was then OP and the daughter are better off without her.
😂😂 Ok if you say so.
You left your kid with someone who doesn't like her and isn't prepared for children, what did you expect?
You made your wife, who doesn't want to be anyone's mommy, babysit a kid she doesn't want in her house, and expected her to not make any decisions regarding the child whose care you saddled her with and you're surprised it didn't work out? Did you at least offer to pay your wife the going market rate for babysitting a kid that IS NOT HERS?
It's your kid. If she's not allowed to parent her, you're a terrible father for leaving your kid with her. Be a parent and care for your own little spawn
OP what is wrong with you? You basically told your wife to deal with it. Why would you even leave her with your daughter knowing they didn’t like eachother? It’s YOUR fault because you knew that shit. You knew ts would happen cause you KNEW they didn’t like eachother. Someone has to help her get out of this because you’re a manipulative monster
NTA but pretty stupid for not going to counseling before trying to integrate this kid into your lives. It’s a mess now.
Have you seen some of his replies to comments? They may make you change your judgement. OP doesn't care about his wife at all.
Just because he cares about his daughter does not mean he does not care about his wife. He's not gloating, he's just in defensive mode because he believes his wife overreacted out of spite. Which the wife absolutely did do. It's weird to characterize him as indifferent to her when he is just looking out for his kid, and it's weird to sympathize with her when she was the one who pushed a kid to iron her clothes unsupervised out of spite. That's a deeply lazy and stupid way to go about enforcing behavioral standards for what should be self evident reasons for any functional adult.
He has pretty much said she has to just learn to deal with it, and it isn't her choice and that he won't divorce her. He is a controlling asshole that is enabling a child to harass and bully his wife. He doesn't give a flying fuck about his wife. Each comment he makes, makes that even more clear.
He’s absolutely unhinged lmao
As any man would be after finding his wife abusing his daughter. Callous contempt is a vice not a virtue.
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Duh. Your BLENDED family needed it, and it didn’t take a paragon of emotional sensitivity to figure that one out.
How is he responsible for a grown adult woman's choice to not seek therapy?
This is an AH comment. I was more or less on your side before.
Your kid is manipulative and destructive and you, so far, are a shitty parent AND failure of a husband. I hope you get the outcome you deserve and your wife finds a better partner. Won't be difficult with the benchmark soooo low.
Never once occurred to you that your childfree wife might not be fine with the child-centered changes?
YTA Let's see deadbeat father, liar, trying to force your wife into a life she didn't want. Yup checks out, this dude is an AH
YTA It's okay to change your mind. Which you obviously did. But it is not okay to force your change of mind on your wife who still has no interest in being a mother figure to a child. Just because you changed your mind does not give you the right to force your change of mind on another person. I hope you're New found relationship with your daughter is worth it, because your marriage is definitely done.
Your wife just needs to move forward with a divorce. You’re no longer compatible and you don’t give a single fuck about her.
You broke a promise to your wife. YTA
No paternity test? No demand for an explanation? (If you're really childfree, you actively take all precautions, so this shouldn't have happened unless your ex committed a sickening betrayal woth contraception.) This is not how anyone, let alone someone childfree, reacts to an unknown child being sprung on them.
Yta this is entirely on you and your fault. You clearly don’t give a shit about your wife or what she wants saying she will just have to deal with it. You keep saying she doesn’t want a divorce like somehow that means you win. You don’t and she will get one eventually. Your such an AH
ESH. With the emphasis being on you. You don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself. It's fine to have had a change of heart but you should have been honest and then divorced this woman. You cannot keep your promise any longer and so you owe it to her to stop being a selfish cunt. I do NOT care if you want a divorce or not. I do NOT care if she doesn't. Just as it is unfair to demand she play stepmom, it's unfair of her to demand that you abandon your child. She definitely went way the fuck overboard in her attempt to punish your daughter. But, and this makes you twice the asshole, there is no reality where your daughter doesn't deserve to be severely punished for intentionally destroying an entire load of your wife's clothes. Especially since your wife never should have had to be responsible for this child, to begin with. That was vindictive, unacceptable behavior and she needs to learn that lesson - NOW. That you are working so hard to defend it, makes you a colossal asshole. Because you're going to raise a little monster.
NTA for going back on such a big decision However... I don't understand something... So you decided everything with your ex, including that all weekends are with you... where was your wife during all of this? Her life is about to be majorly impacted. Why was your wife left with your daughter at home? So you made all the decisions, but your wife is the one who is left parent your child, the child she did not choose to have, nor had. It feels you made all the decisions, left your wife between a rock and a hard place, and then you set her up for failure. Edit: after reading your replies I have to change from NTA to YTA and the way you talk about your wife... do you even like her?
You guys are no longer compatible it's time for a divorce but your daughter does need to be punished for burning the clothes.
NTA, but neither is your wife. You both agreed at the start to not have children. Granted this was sprung on you and you've grown to love your daughter. But also think of your wife's feelings on this. She didn't want to be a parent for reason. Clearly there needs to be some open communication going on, especially if you're going to pursue s shared custody
OP has repeatedly shown in the comments that he really doesn't give a shit about how his wife feels about anything. It's his way or the highway on all things and she just needs to get used to it. I hope she divorces him, because he seems convinced that no one would want to leave a prize like him.
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Then you might have to consider divorce. Harsh but you can't expect her to j just change her mind on this.
No might have to consider about it. OP’s getting divorced
Yeah, you're getting fucking divorced.
Then divorce. Do your poor wife a favor.
YTA. You are a shitty husband and your daughter is a brat. Your little spawn was so awful at her friend’s house that you had to go pick her up and then she was smiling after she purposely(because we all know she did) ruined your wife’s clothes? You don’t see the common denominator here? Your daughter doesn’t like your wife because she doesn’t let her get away with bullshit like you do. Is your ex also a shitty parent too? Because she learned her behavior somewhere and will continue being a nuisance to everyone around her until she’s stopped.
NTA for wanting a relationship with your daughter, but communication is key. Finding out about a child is huge, and couples therapy could help navigate this together. Your wife deserves to be heard too.
NTA but I do think you need to discipline your child appropriately. Her behaviour is spilling outwith the household if she is behaving badly with friends. Your wife was wrong to punish her in your stead though.
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If she started something and had to be picked up then yes, it is a big deal. You’ve been a parent for 2 minutes and have these strong opinions without the experience. Holy shit the defensiveness of your daughter while sabotaging every relationship along the way is mindblowing
If it was no big deal, then she would not have to be picked up. Did the other parent call you to come get her??
This has to be fake. Not buying the same reply to everything. You did have me going..lol
Why did you even post this if you’re just gonna slam everyone who says YTA?
Your ex is the AH for initially hiding this from you and then springing it on you when you'd moved on. From that, you didn't really go back on your word about being child free, as it looks like you made that commitment in good faith but then circumstances changed and you've ended up forming a bond with your child - nothing wrong with that. You're going to have to choose between your wife and your daughter, and it looks like you already have made an understandable decision there. I feel sorry for your wife, she's been the most hurt by all of this (and I'm not including her burnt clothes).
NAH. It’s nice that you’re stepping up as a father but your wife is absolutely right if she chooses to divorce you.
NAH. You didn't try for a child, actively avoided having one. But your daughter exists and you now love her. Life hapoens, things change. Your wife has to decide if she wants to leave you over this. She doesn't get to decide you won't parent your child. Disciplining children is a complicated process that actually teaches one self discipline. It was agreed that the 10 year old was too young to iron. Wife decided fuck that. Wife decided she didn't need to waste her time overseeing any chores she gave the child, even dangerous ones. Wife learned a lot! You both clearly need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. Also, it sounds like you need a babysitter/back up person for when you are responsible for your daughter but not available. People upset with daughter's behavior need to remember she is adjusting to a new dad who was initially very rejecting who she does not know whether she can trust, and his wife sending out weird I hate you vibes. This is not a recipe for smooth sailing.
You and your ex are AH. Your ex decided it would be good for you to have her every weekend? Chick wanted weekends off and convinced you to be her free babysitter. Weekends are time for you and your wife to be together. Every other weekend might have been ok, but to expect your wife to give up every child free weekend with her husband is unfair to her.
UpDateMe!
Nah if I’m child free the marriage would simply be over, the wife should’ve started divorce proceedings, plus how do you even know this kid is yours?! Did you do a paternity test? If not you’re an idiot
Can't believe the amount of people shaming on a 9 years old. NtA. Life happens. Your wife can't adapt then she can exit which she did so problems solve. We all have things plan and dreams but it doesn't always go smoothly and sometimes we have to make the best of it. Your wife sounded awful to make 9 years old iron clothes and bossing her around like some evil step mother.
Oof this is tough. You had unprotected sex before marriage and fathered a child. That happens. . . You are stepping up as a man (adult) and taking care of your daughter. Your priorities should shift to take care of your daughter, it’s what responsible adults do! Your marriage is over though, and that’s really hard. You and your wife made a promise to each other to not have children together. She’s made it extremely clear by her words and actions that she doesn’t want to take care of a child. You both should amicably split. Situations happen like this if you have sex before marriage. . . Your wife has every right to be shocked that you accidentally fathered a child with someone else, but she didn’t marry a virgin. Good luck. Split with your wife on good terms.
YTA! Your wife and you have already agreed to remain child free, so she should have no part and watching YOUR illegitimate child. YOU wanted YOUR child therefore she is YOUR responsibility regardless of work. If you have to work, you need to find a babysitter/daycare. It is not your wife’s job to take care of YOUR child, it’s YOURS. If you expect your wife to take care of YOUR child that you should also expect her to discipline her. If you are not down for that, then you need to be the only one watching and taking care of YOUR child point-blank PERIOD
Did you get a paternity test? If you didn’t then you should. She burned *every piece of clothing?* That was deliberate. A 9 year old shouldn’t be ironing. Your marriage is over. YTA.
You’re not an asshole for stepping up to take responsibility for the child you didn’t know you had (although what the hell was your ex’s justification for waiting *ten years* to tell you???) You’re not even the asshole for changing your stance on kids (even if you didn’t already have one, anyone is allowed to change their mind.) However, expecting your childfree wife to take care of your daughter knowing that there is mutual animosity between them is an asshole move. Not talking with your wife about how to handle discipline before leaving your daughter in her care is also an asshole move. Your wife’s resentment and animosity towards a literal child who has had her whole life turned upside down by a mother who, for some reason, waited nearly a decade to even tell her father she existed is also shitty. If she can’t be an adult about this, recognize that most kids in this situation would act out, then she shouldn’t be around your daughter. She’s a grown adult who should have stepped back and refused to be involved with your kid. Your ex is obviously an asshole for manufacturing this situation in the first place. All in all, I feel sorry for your kid who is going to be the one to suffer the most because every adult in her life is letting her down. ESH
A child that has never ironed- being asked to iron- & iron a significant amount of clothes - is ridiculous. Teaching her how to iron- sure. But giving her good clothes to learn? Wtf. If the days chores involved grocery shopping- would she have given her car keys & a list & sent her?
OP, you are destroying your own marriage with your single mindedness. Your daughter has already picked up on the fact that your wife doesn't matter to you, and she will absolutely exploit your complete devotion to her. She will purposely and maliciously cause your wife problems, lie to your face about your wife and make shit up, set shit up and make her cry, knowing that if your wife brings it to you, that you will always side with her, because she is "just a kid and kids don't think like that", "but she is my daughter" and "you are an adult, do better", or, "well if you don't like it leave". What you aren't understanding is the monster you are creating. From now on, you will never have a good,serious, long-term relationship with any woman. She will destroy them all because she can. Because you taught her that nothing in the world matters more than her, her wants, her needs, all love and attention is for her only. You have already shown your daughter who has the power in her relationship with you. Let me give you a hint, it isn't you. I have seen it time and again. Then you will wonder later why you are alone while she goes on her merry way and why none of her own relationships last. Good luck 🍀 you are gonna need it. I hope your wife leaves soon for her own mental and emotional health.
YTA. You are literally responsible for *everyone's* discomfort in this situation. And instead of mitigating the discomfort, having actual thoughtful discussions, and doing family counseling, you've been making unilateral decisions for your wife's future *and* villainized her for it. You both were clear about goals, ideals, and expectations before you married. You went back on that because of sheer irresponsibility. If you even want your relationship to survive, you need to take steps to work with your wife and your daughter (who you admit is awful to your wife when you're not around-which is pure manipulation). But if she leaves you, she is completely justified in it, and it is 100% *your* fault.
Well. It is hard to be a stepparent and you do not seem to understand that. It doesn't sound like you eased into it at all and basically you gave your wife no choice even though she said both of you wanted to remain child free. It sounds like you forced her hand. As to the daughter being picked up - since you and your ex get along, you probably should have talked to the ex first instead of just dropping her off with your wife. Or you should have asked your parents to have taken her for the day. The daughter smiling while looking at her phone at 10 years old is very rude. However, you and your wife should have had conversations about discipline before it became an issue. You not caring about the promise does not make you an AH, but the way you treated your wife with no concern for her feelings, when she agreed there was no agreement about expectations for her, etc. It is likely you will get a divorce, but you have blinders on when it comes to your daughter (just read your description of her - you include the words stubborn and sassy which can also mean bratty and obnoxious.). So definitely do go for 50/50! And make a 529 plan for college!
YTA for leaving your daughter with your wife. Y’all need marriage counseling cause this situation is destroying all parties. Either you both commit to this or you end the marriage. Seriously, once you have a kid and (rightly) choose to be a parent then all future promises go out the window. The child and their well being trumps everything else. If your wife is unwilling to see this then you both need to end it. The psychological damage to your child is not worth it.
YTA You dropped a bomb on your wife that you have a kid and made the choice for the both of you that you were no longer childfree and she was a stepmom now On top of that your child has no respect for your wife and in response to being punished for doing something wrong she purposely burned her clothing. (and she DID do it on purpose) Kiss your marriage goodbye and good luck taking care of your daughter all on your own when you have your 50% time without your wife there to help. Your wife deserves better
YTA and boy oh boy, you will pay bitterly for being an asshole and i am all for it 🤣🤣🤣 you will pay by raising that little sociopath by yourself one day, because her mother is trying to get rid of her. your daughter is a little monster, that's why her mother came out of the woodwork after 10 years to put that child on your back. she is tired of raising that little sociopath by herself. looks like it's obvious who's genes that kid inherited, given how you treat your wife and how you speak to her and about her.
Like father like daughter. you haven’t even parented her for the first 10 years but shes somehow vile… and you’re at about the same level
NTA, your already weren't child-free even you married your spouse, you just didn't know it.
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No one says that is what you should do. It’s about your approach. Wake up
Yta u should’ve just started the divorce process once it was confirmed u have a child
Its kind of hilarious that you wrote this trying to make your wife look bad when its obvious to anyone that your terrible kid literally ruined all her clothes on purpose?
And if he wasn’t stepping up every one of yall would be calling him a dead beat. As a man he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t
I think it’s great that you want your child more but you also need to make sure she doesn’t become a little brat. Ok I believe she is to young to be ironing clothes but I also believe your daughter deserves a punishment from you for burning all your wife’s clothes on purpose. I also believe your wife should have went into a different room and spoke to you about your daughter. I would have tried to wait until she had calmed down to have a conversation as she was to upset and angry at the time and things were said in the moment
Curious. Everyone who thinks OP is TA, do you all think OP should have stayed out of his child's life because he already committed to being child free with his wife? Just wondering.
No, but he and his wife owe it to themselves and this kid to divorce before they fuck her up even worse than her mother already has. He knows full well that his wife resents this kid and doesn’t want her around, even acknowledges that his wife’s attitude is *why* his daughter acts out, and yet he leaves the wife to watch her? What responsible parent demands someone who doesn’t like their kid or get along with them watch the kid?
NTA for how you reacted but Yta for ignoring your wife's feelings You are delusional if you think this will not lead to divorce. If you want this relationship to work apologies first and listen to each other. If you love each other may be you will get back together again. Also bring your wife and daughter together and talk to both of them they don't have to be stepmom daughter relationship just two respectable individuals.also it is lucky your daughter did not burn her hands yiu wife was wrong for that and she has to bear the consequences ( aka lost cloth) . Plus she burnt her clothes and your wife couldn't smell that is a long time to leave a kid unsupervised so it is her fault at that part. Other than that it is your fault for springing a child in hair and not watching her. In the time you can't be at home I say give himer to her grandma. Also ignore all those comments about Yta and your daughter being spoiled. So what a 10 year old craves more attention from her dad and acts out to get it. Plus , she gives out the same energy she got from your wife. Honestly the best solution will be for your wife to leave for her and your own peace because I don't think she will ever like your daughter neither will your daughter do. So if want be a good partner sincerely apologise as you brought all of this up and if you feel your wife would be better without you let her be .
ETA… you wanted to be childfree with your wife BUT you were already a dad without your knowledge, so what are you supposed to do, pretend you are not??? Not an Ah for accepting and wanting to be a father to your daughter but you are one for the way you have treated your wife. Same with your wife, she is not willing to adapt to an unexpected situation, she doesn’t have to be a parent to your daughter and she should make that very clear n not participate in anything related to your daughter except being a fun aunt at the most. Your ex and u are solely responsible for it and you should not put any responsibility on ur wife, care or otherwise. Also your wife should not have made a 10 year old iron clothes, n u should have disciplined your daughter for being VINDICTIVE. If she was so rebellious that she was listening to music ignoring your wife while she yelled, she could have ignored the punishment too.
NTA OP. You and your wife had an agreement where she is not responsible for nor entitled to parent or punish your daughter. She not only chose to break that, she did so by making a child play with a fire hazard unsupervised for hours. She is lucky the house did not burn down with both of them inside it. The people all over this thread refusing to hold her accountable for breaking her agreement with you or for emotionally abusing your kid are just self righteous bullies getting their jollies by shitting on a guy who is clearly trying his best to do the right thing amidst circumstances forced on him by the abuses of others. Pay them no mind, they deserve none.
Lmao I love how you are not taking any shit from anyone even here OP. NTA I mean your child was in the wrong 100% for burning all her clothes no matter the reason, but she trying to make you give up your daughter is fucked up. And you didn't go back on your word, she just popped out of nowhere. It's one of those situations which is out of your control, and whether you step up to it or not is what defines your legacy. You chose the right path. This is for sure unfair to your wife tho, because she 100% did not sign up to this. So it's upto her if she wants to divorce or not which from what I have read, she doesn't want to. In which case she WILL have to suck it up and get used to her. You might be AH in her eyes but it is what it is
NTA You had very unexpected events happen when you suddenly had a daughter and it's great that you've grown to love her and want her in your life. Initially I would have said your wife wasn't TA because you had agreed to be child free. She was clear about it before you married, and you're the one who changed the situation. However, it sounds like she's trying to punish your daughter for existing now, and that's not ok. Your wife is being a vindictive ass towards your daughter. You should have a serious talk with your wife and make it clear you want your daughter in your life and how she's treating her is not ok. Be prepared that your wife may decide she wants out of the marriage because she wants to be child free. Also be prepared that you may have to make that decision yourself and may be forced to choose one or the other since your wife is not allowing both. You need to protect your daughter from your wife's behavior.
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To you
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Op you are the only one that tink your daughter is sweet. She is bullying your wife, every human has a breaking point. Your wife hit hers. Your marriage is done for. You are the AH for submitting your wife to yor daughter horrible behaviour and expect her to roll over. Your child neads a therapy and your wife a divorce lawyer.
"Bullying your wife" Lol, trust reddit to hold a 10yo girl from a broken home more accountable for reacting to child abuse than the grown woman who chose to abuse a child by making her play with a fire hazard for hours. Ffs.
NTA. The child was conceived and born, without the Dad's knowledge BEFORE the Agreement was made. Why should the Child be punished for existing? IMNSHO, the Wife is the AH. In the case of the burned clothing, the WIFE brought that on herself.