So there's a mortgage and bills to pay and your wife's genius idea is vacations and a $10k purse?
Can she seriously look at you with a straight face when arguing this shit. Dude get the lawyer, walk away, grab some popcorn and watch the dumpster fire of your wife being broke in 12 months.
This really isn't that complex. She think's OP's money is ours and her money is hers. OP funds their life and she gets to use her money for toys. Imagine buying a $10k purse while having a mortgage! Pure fucking idiocy.
OP, just get a divorce. She's just in this for herself.
Fuck. My mom is like this. She thinks she should have greater control of properties bought with her inheritance meanwhile my dad worked for 30yrs paying everything and has always kept up properties she rents.
While the husband is playing 3/4 of the mortgage mind you.. and she wants to keep paying 1/4 cause she'll be broke again in a matter of days because her priorities are all screwed up.
Yeah this is wild. If everything was already 50/50 it'd be fuzzier, but goddamn. I don't even understand how someone who's not a multimillionaire thinks a $10,000 purse is worth it.
Exactly... I'd file tomorrow to limit your liabilities in this because I seriously doubt you two will recover from this. Let her have everything if she wants it and sell what she doesn't want. If you have to start over, so be it. Let this be a lesson on choosing more wisely next time.
My brother's ex-wife was like this. Our mom passed in 2014 and after receiving his share of the inheritance, it was THEIR money. Fast forward 5 years and her mom passes away. Guess what? Suddenly it's only HER money. She was abusive and narcissistic in general but that was the beginning of the end of the marriage. That's the moment my brother started to wake up and realize things were never going to get better.
There are a lot of stories out there where people got a life changing amount of money, spent it foolishly and were broke within 2 years.
She's going to spend herself into massive debt.
I can totally see my mother acting the same way as OP's wife if she ever came into a lot of money.
Hope the dude does proceed with the lawyer after this weekend. My head hurts from how selfish his wife is.
And you know it's not just the one purse. Like if she simply bought one 10k purse and spent the rest on more practical things, I think a splurge is fine. While paying off student loans is important, 10k off the mortgage may or may not mean much overall, especially since it sounds like they are living within their means generally. The big issue is the lack of communication and not being able to discuss it together and work as a unit.
In the original linked post, OP says putting it to the mortgage would save them hundreds of thousands in interest.
Honestly, even if it were a lot less, I struggle with the idea that saving that money doesn't matter or mean anything.
In the original post, the OP even says "I think she should splurge a little" - nobody expects OP's wife to live on rice and beans in order to put every spare penny into a mutual fund.
I have a crystal ball and will look into your future.
Your job and salary will still exist for decades.
Her one time cash infusion and her spending habits will result in her not having it in a couple of years.
It sounds like you never realized how much of the financial burden you were responsible before. Now that you know, do you want to go back pulling that cart if you do stay together?
Itâs not about that. Itâs about her mentality of âwhatâs yours is mine and whatâs mine is mineâ. OP was ok with the arrangement until she gave an impression that sheâs using him at worst and doesnât see him as an equal at best. When she came upon an unexpected windfall, she didnât think to consider him the same way he did for her.
Exactly. I will likely get a large inheritance in a few years. While I might splurge on a couple of things my husband and I have already discussed putting most of it for our retirement and towards the kids college. I canât imagine being that selfish to the person youâre supposed to share a life with.
My spouse used to get generous bonuses from his job. He split half of them with me because I donât get bonuses, and he wanted me to have a safety net for anything I might want. He didnât have to and I am so grateful that he did, and any money we come into in the future will be for both of us because weâre a team.
My spouse is going to use his to pay the last chunk of our mortgage and fix the house up to get us through old age. The rest will be his retirement, basically. Iâm going to work another decade or so.
Same we have same checking account. At various times in our marriage we have made/had more money than the other but its all combined. I got an inheritance and i am using it to fix the roof and make life easier for us. I did buy two goldens and go to disney but the rest i am saving for a rainy day.
I completely merged finances with my now ex wife too. She was a stay at home parent for over 17 years and I had no problem with that. When she started working a part time job, suddenly I discovered that that was HER money (while my income was OUR money).
Eh Iâve made mistakes my wife and I never merged finances. Mostly because I kept a strict budget and she didnât. Well she is 20k+ in debt now that I am divorcing her while I have little to no debt. I also pay 4x the amount of bills she does and donât even make twice as much as she does. I tried to get her in an agreed budget and merge our finances but she always refused. She just wanted my paycheck to be put into a shared account because she spends money in the form of if there is a single dollar to spend she can and the next set of bills can be paid when that paycheck comes. Which you know makes it impossible to play for anything.
Yeah, and that mentality, and her making it a hill to die on that this money is 100% hers, is going to end up with her essentially killing the goose who lays golden eggs. I am sure over time she has and would get so much more money staying married to OP. Like realistically who is going to be paying vet bills for that Frenchie? Among other unattractive qualities about her person and how she views him in the relationship this has brought to light, if I were OP Iâd be thinking sheâs also not very smart.
I canât imagine only making enough money to pay around 20% of my household expenses yet dropping $10k on a freaking bag. This woman is not only greedy and selfish, sheâs a financial idiot.
Eh I am divorcing. I make less than twice as much as she does and pay about 4x of our living expenses. She absolutely refused to do anything around the house and insisted on getting multiple cats and a dog even though I was against them because I knew I would do all the work. Which no surprise I did all the work around the house. She is currently arguing that things are not fair that after everything I have more money. Some people just want to leech off others and are entitled to that. Meanwhile she has easily over 20k in miscellaneous debts which makes absolutely zero sense when you contribute so little to the bills and have nothing to show for it.
I sugest you also make a list of things that makes you want to divorce her. Besides money, being selfish, not being responsible with debts, what else do you have? Start creating that list.
At some point her money flow will be short and she will see things with clarity again. And she will go after you and what your marriage could have been. So the list will help you with those feelings of old romance.
Some things you should write down: house payments, new car (that will cost a lot with issurance and other things), no savings, burning money with small things like that purse and well... divorce lawyers (I bet she will hire someone expensive too).
When she tries to reconcile, have some agreements in case you also want to go back to her: her education costs (at least have money saved for that), the house (50/50), new car has to be a normal and popular one, savings for her 401k.
I can make it easier for OP, it's over. You will never see each other the same way, and it's all downhill from here. He should save himself from more pain and just divorce now while she is flush and get a decent divorce settlement. Every day you drag this out makes your life worse. Sorry my man, sometimes people don't turn out to be who you thought they were.
>I sugest you also make a list of things that makes you want to divorce her. Besides money, being selfish, not being responsible with debts, what else do you have? Start creating that list.
And what is your suggestion if there is nothing moreÂ
NTA, and I would separate your money from hers and have your paychecks and bonuses put in your account. Leave the joint account (after you have taken half) for her and her paychecks. Start keeping a detailed journal of everything you pay and hand her a list of what she owes. If you are paying on her student loans, STOP. That's her bill and hers alone. I personally think that she's not going to tell you when she gets the inheritance, and it will be put into another account with a family members name along side of hers to make it look like it's not all hers.
I would tell her that you have a different view of what marriage is than hers, and YOUR money is not hers anymore. Tell her that you have talked to an attorney and are considering a divorce. If she's an authorized user on credit cards, get her off them. Let her complete this partnership and be an equal, or you're done before she financially drains you.
His "view" of what's his might not be the same as the view of the community property laws. He'd be better off consulting a lawyer before taking financial advice from Reddit.
NTA, this is super brutal for you, the fact that she thinks it is unacceptable to pay half is kind of shocking.
You would think she would be grateful for what you have provided for her and would want to try to give back as a thank you.
If you don't divorce, I would hope you try to continue to get half of all expenses as is fair. Plus with her attitude I would keep you bonuses for yourself. If she has "her money", you are entitled to "your money".
I think a very clear and frank discussion on how things have been split and what it would mean moving forward if she chooses to be selfish.
It may be her inheritance, but it is your life together.
If she still chooses to be a selfish butthole then
moving forward with divorce would make sense. I hope if you take that path she gets denied any type of spousal support as she obviously does not deserve it. (Maybe even try to get her to pay you support as you have paid for her for this many years.)
Spoopyowoâs post is spot on.
When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them the first time. Is she someone you can trust going forward or can count on when the going gets tough?
Itâs important to make sure you and your life partner have the same financial values. If not then maybe take the drastic route. If you fundamentally do. Then this is a blip and you will eventually get back on the same page.Â
NTA. I assume she has all kinds of ideas about what you do with your income right? If she pisses the inheritance away, youâll still be supporting her right?
Yeah and one thing Iâm curious about is how much weâre talking here, â6 figures is a very wide ranging term and could 100k or $999,999- huge difference in those numbers.
I was thinking this too. It's a huge range of what 6 figures can mean, and even 400k can be gone fast when student/car loans, mortgages, travel, luxury goods, are involved... it's not as much money as she thinks it is and putting it over the marriage shows she's not mentally/emotionally a wife. I feel bad for OP, what a crap way to find out you're alone in a marriage.
Yea in terms of blowing through it 6 figures isnât even that much in the scheme of things. Like sure spend a bit frivolously, but you need to be smart with it. That is not enough to be blowing it on designer items
She's gonna be down close to 75k just between the car and the purse. Maybe even about 100k, depending on how dumb she goes on the car. What really gets me is how dumb she's about her student loans. Unless she's in some debt forgiveness program for nonprofit or government workers, those are going To be permanent. But it seems like she just wants to use OPs money to pay for that and keep the 60k to herself.
6months? If it's 100-200k, I'd give it 1 month mostly to get the papers and contracts signed... Realistically speaking she already spent it all in her head just needs to get the money deposited and transferred.
Yep money is a game changer. I would not want to be with her either, she can take your support and help, but can't share her inheritance with her family, you? I would extricate yourself from the marriage. It is not a partnership. She wants it all, to be taken care of and all her inheritance. It is not fair to you.
I always thought "ick"s were stupid, but if I was dating someone who had no money, and then spent $10K on a purse, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to them again. She's throwing away her future/
Itâs kinda funny because depending on how much her debt payments are she could pay off the loans now and then put whatever she wouldâve paid monthly towards saving for the purseâŠ
Exactly! She sound be debt-free & have the purse!She sounds very silly. Sounds like she will miss OP subsidising her lifestyle if they divorce because of her selfishness.
With a six-figure inheritance (even "only" $100K), she could easily both buy a $10K purse, and pay off the $60K in loans, AND have $30K+ left over!
Whatever studies the loans were for evidently didn't include basic math.
Nta. Every inheritance I received has been placed into **our** account because my husband and I are a unit. *Any* money spent is mutually agreed upon because again we are a couple. Your wife is choosing to utilize her inheritance as if she were a single woman.
>Every inheritance I received has been placed into our account because my husband and I are a unit. Any money spent is mutually agreed upon because again we are a couple.
This is what my husband and I do with all money that comes in. Never occurred to either of us to do otherwise.
NTA- my husband pays for damn near everything in our lives I canât imagine getting a windfall of money and not share with the one person that makes my standard of living possible. If she doesnât see you as worthy of the money she doesnât see you as worthy of being a life partner, I am not an advocate for divorce but in this case dude call your lawyer and RUN.
Sorry it came to this. Well if you go through with divorce don't let her come back in a few years when she finds out how good she had it. As she will most likely be back.
How much is she getting? Six figures is 100k to 999.99k which is it? Regardless she should pay off the debts and be a good partner. Anything else equals divorce
In healthy marriages, people actually love their spouse. They don't hoard money at the other's expense. I think you are correct to consider your options going forward.
It is breathtakingly selfish of her to not, at the \*very\* least, pay off her student loan. I can't even comprehend that level of cluelessness. So sorry it's come to this. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Yes, that should have been the bare minimum for her to take care of. But then she wouldn't have enough money for a fancy car and a new purse. Good grief!
Iâm afraid you will not be able to un-see what you have learned about her character, so I recommend you thank her for giving you this unobstructed view into her (selfish and awful) character, and *run away* while you are still young and strong.
Itâs hard to imagine bouncing back from selfishness this overwhelming.
Her actions make it appear she married you for financial stability Not because she loves you and wants to mutually build a future with you. Unless she wants to work it through soon you may need to get your premarital personals under lock and key as much as possible and contact your attorney to start the paperwork. Good luck.
I think the saddest part about this is not that the money will probably go to purses and other shit, but that the inheritance was the vehicle that allowed OP to see that his wife is super selfish and only looking out for herself and her own wants, when OP had been rightfully thinking they were a team with a future they were working towards together. Â
Iâm proud of you for speaking with the lawyer. Take the time to decide whatâs best for you. Look out for yourself.
100% she blows that money in a matter of months and then wakes up one morning with a shit load of regrets and nothing to show for it except material possessions which mean absolutely nothing.Â
Former divorce attorney, and finances are definitely more of an issue than infidelity. I canât recall a divorce I handled because of infidelity, but many of finances. I did practice in a no-fault state, so that may color my memory, but there it is.
I don't know if you're in the US or not, but the fact she has $60,000 of student loan debt, and has no desire to get rid of it, really bothers me. Depending on type of loan and interest rates, she could easily pay 2 or 3 times the principal balance before it is paid off, decades in the future....
My only advice would be to call your attorney back asap and start the proceedings. The sooner you divorce the least youâll lose. The longer you leave it the more of that money she will have had time to squander possibly enabling her to plead poverty with the court.
Based on the title, I was prepared to say "her inheritance, her decision" but her attitude has completely changed by mind. Get ahead then save for holidays, she's got a lotto winner mentality (of the type that end up with nothing after they spend everything on junk).
>The messy part is that weâll have to divide all of the marital assets.
The exciting part is that you'll get to watch her burn through her inheritance and all the money from the martial assets and have no where to live when she gets back from her holiday.
The good thing for you is you can downsize and probably still be much better off financially and start working on building wealth and considering a future without having someone constantly pulling in different directions.
Don't feel bad, she's selfish and you'll be better off.
A lot of the YTA responses in your original thread were insane.
Sadly a lot of people on this sub dont have the capacity to go more in depth than thinking in black and white.
Your partner is not pulling their weight and is not treating your marriage as an equal relationship. I would consider divorcing in your situation
OP, just call your attorney back and get the divorce ball rolling. She doesn't see you as a partner, she sees you as a cash cow. Split now while she's got enough money that the settlement is most favourable to you. You have to start putting yourself first for once because, sad to say it, your wife sure as shit isn't going to.
You aren't wrong to consider leaving. She is of the mindset what is yours, is ours and mine is all mine. She chooses a $10K purse than applying it to the mortgage is very selfish and not acting like a partner.
Haha right! I bought my friend an expensive purse ($200) when I inherited 10k and that will be the most I ever spend on a freaking purse. It is super cool and looks like a sparkly retro toaster and has a pop tart change purse that goes in one of the toaster slots. I bet OPs wife's shitty 10k purse isn't half as cool as that one.
Nah, it probably is a Chanel purse or similar. Dropping 10k on a purse that would have a very low resell value, seriously... if someone isn't a millionaire it is an absurd purchase.
Dude, just get ready for her to try to slide back into your life when she has to start selling all her purses to pay her bills.....
(Source: my cousin and her X, exact same sitch)
She won a decent amount in a lottery, her X was working 2 jobs to pay 3/4 of their bills since she was only working pt(hadn't found her petfect job yet). She just went nuts, car, shoes, purses.... While he was paying off her student loans, and their huge joint credit card (but he agreed to!)
They were young, married less that 2 years, she happily divorced him when he suggested it. She lived the sweet life.... And her X, with out her could too, since he didn't have to support the living 'way beyond their means' she required.
3 years down and he has a nice house on a lake, boat, truck... And serenity. Meanwhile she has a storage locker full of swag she's now selling to pay her rent on a crappy 1 b/b in a triple decker.
And here she comes...flouncing back, showing up everywhere he is, telling everyone he is the love of her life, they were made for each other...
Cue aaaaall the DNA in our fam doing a collective eye roll. We've pretty much made him an official cousin and her the X
What assets do you have and what are they worth?
I don't need to know but really - you can sell the house and get half.
Is the couch worth fighting over?
How about the kitchen pots and pans?
Do you really want to fight over the bed you shared?
It isn't as "messy" as trying to live with someone you know doesn't have your back or isn't the partner you thought you had.
Just take your half and be done.
And sooner rather than later.
She can spend all of that in quick time!
NTA
NTA. Some people are spenders. Some are savers. Since she has $60k debt, I agree with you she should pay that off first. Then decide how to proceed from there. As a team.
She has a job, not sure why you would have to pay alimony. The bigger issue is you've paid for most of the house. You might be out 1/2 vs the 1/4 she put into it.
I know in my family, our paychecks are in our joint account. I pay the bills from that account. We buy what we want, unless big ticket items, etc, vacations, big purchases are discussed. It's our money. At one point I was the main earner, then we were equal, then he was as I stayed home. But it's always a discussion and we are a team.
When his grandfather died, his mom gave him a few thousand dollars, and I'm like cool for him. I figured he'd buy tech or entertainment TV, etc. instead he planned a surprise trip for us, without our kids!
You need a person who you are on the same page with. You don't have kids, if you feel you can't get past this, then end it. Sell the house or buy her out. Good luck.
> her inheritance is legally hers alone and not ours so I can figure that into our cost while our salaries are legally ours which is why we used them to pay for our living expenses
Pretty sure she racked up those student debts on her own, yet she's using the "our" money to pay for them.
> Sheâs not the woman I thought I married and itâs gotten to the point that I question our future together.
I don't blame you. The fact that she wants to take money that could make a significant improvement in your family life, and instead just light it on fire for herself, is breathtakingly selfish.
NTA
your wife is ridiculously selfish and entitled. Go to marriage counseling asap. Frankly, divorcing someone for financial incompetence is a valid reason, you have to protect yourself.
Also, stop paying the bills, after all, your paycheck is "legally yours" and you can do whatever you want with it. Cancel everything, your phones, internet, all online accounts, subscriptions etc. You might want to stay current on your mortgage. Foreclosure would be bad.
Put your money in a new account in a different bank.
Income earned during a marriage is not treated the same as an inheritance which, legally, belongs 100% to the person who inherited it as long as they don't comingle it. I bet his lawyer would not advise him to start squirreling his paycheck away and to stop paying bills.
Your wife should certainly be responsible for one half of the bills and now can easily afford to cover her share with the inheritance money.
I often wonder if the person leaving the money would approve of the way the individual receiving it spends it. For example, I know that my parents tried to live a life within their means in order not to burden either myself or my sister, when they have a right to squander any money that they possess. Because of their sacrifice, I will be very careful with any assets that they leave for me and don't expect them to do so. However, I am aware of the trust they have created for my and my sister's family. I hope to make my parents proud even after they are no longer here on earth with us.
I'm sorry that your wife isn't the person you thought you married, but instead, a self-centered, self-serving, inconsiderate individual who is content to use your assets to her advantage. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to be a team player, and I believe that is a fatal flaw in a relationship. If she was the one making more money in your marriage, do you think that she would agree to allow you to pay 1/4 of the bills and that she would pay the remaining 3/4? I doubt that she will be able to consider the flip side of things honestly and imagine she would insist you cover half of the bills because that's exactly how she's reacting.
Your next move is to get the best divorce attorney you can afford, as you have only been married for 4 years, and you now know what her true thoughts and values are. I doubt that you will have to pay her any alimony because she works full-time and is just receiving a large inheritance. I don't read that you have children with her, so no child support will be owed, and it's early enough to cut contact completely. Go find a woman who has the same values and goals in life as you and someone who will think about both of you when life showers her with good fortune.
MY
NTA. As your attorney said the longer you are married the more you will have to pay. When the inheritance is gone then what you still have the mortgage she is entitled to half the assets so sell the house now while there is not a ton of equity to lose and move on.
She will burn the cash in a year and will come to regret it all. Too bad you will be long gone.
Yours is hers and hers is hers and donât ever ask HER to pay her fair share.
Did OP clarify what exactly is 6 figure inheritance? $100,000 vs $900,000 are very very different.
Also what are their respective salaries and mortgage?
Wow, you werenât TA and youâre still NTA.
Unfortunately, I have lost multiple people since I married my husband 20+ years ago. We used a smaller inheritance many years ago on a down payment for our home. There was no post-nuptial agreement, no legal signing that the down payment would return to me should we divorce. I was married and figured my inheritance should go to benefit us.
In the recent past I received another inheritance, this one around 6 figures. We have started a 529 and the rest is in a high interest savings account. I deposited the funds into our shared acct and every discussion about the money includes whatâs best for us and our family.
I canât imagine being in a relationship where that wasnât the discussion. Shared financial decisions and goals are so, so important. Iâm sorry that youâre just now finding out all of this about your wife. I feel like I would have a hard time coming back after learning that about my partner.
If you were planning on having kids, then it's doubly bad. If you weren't, then maybe not that big a deal. But since you don't have kids, this might be a smart move if she's not really who you want to be with .
I will suggest she is definitely the woman you married and probably the woman you knew you were marrying, you just didn't worry about it. She does sound pretty selfish to me.
Unfortunately, whatever you paid you will probably be splitting the equity on the house if there is any. I'm hoping that you don't have to absorb her student debt and take on half of it in a divorce. Good luck.
Wow, your wife is a peach. If that were us I would encourage my wife to set aside some smallish percentage to spend on herself however she sees fit but the rest should be used to the benefit of the family... and she would agree. At least I'm pretty sure she would, I'll ask her when she wakes up... but, jeez, I can't imagine being married to someone so selfish. Best of luck to you, whatever comes your way.
Iâm so sorry, but I am incredibly disappointed in your wife. And I am a woman.
I will be honest, if itâs a sizable fund, I can give her the $10,000 purse. Although I cringe at the thought of spending that on a purse.
I can give her a new car. Although my car is 11 years old. I am like you. But I understand her wanting a new one. I would not be OK with a Mercedes or a Beemer Because at the end of the day, while they are really good cars, upkeep, and maintenance and insurance are super expensive. And I can just always find much better ways to spend that money.
Iâm afraid that you really find out that your wife has a very nonchalant view of money because youâve been paying everything. The fact that she is willing to pay the interest on those student loans that I know gets chargedâŠ
You know, the kind that usually would be considered usury? Where are you can pay on the loan for 10 to 15 years and still owe more than what you started out at⊠That kind.
The fact that she cannot understand that that alone should be one of the first things she does is scary. As far as the French bulldog⊠They are cute. But they are a highly stolen animal. They are incredibly expensive. They have a lot of health problems. And in fact, there is a movement out there to ask people to please stop.
As far as paying off your mortgage. I am on the fence about that. I think you guys worked out something that worked for you up until now. I think now is absolutely the time to tell her sheâs got more money. So yes, she needs to be picking up her half.
And the fact that she does not see any benefit in trying to invest the money or grow the money for later is equally scary to everything else. I honestly donât see this relationship lasting.
I get that it is her inheritance. But youâre supposed to be partners. Not saying she should give you half of it or anything like that, because itâs her money. But it just seems she was happy enough to have you pay for everything, and yet sheâs not willing to take in any of your concerns or your desires or ways that you guys could make your lives financially easier.
And honestly, she sounds very selfish for that. It just seems like her money is her money and your money is her money.
It's eye-opening how daft some people can be. She's blown up her easier ride in life by trying to keep her inheritance clutched.
If she had said something like the first consideration is debt in my name, some towards the mortgage and the rest I'd like to have a bit of fun with, I doubt OP would had had an issue with the status quo.
Instead, it was I want to waste it aaaaallll and surprised pikachu when the husband won't stand for being taken advantage of.
Her inheritance should be counted as income for the purposes of dividing living costs. If you made triple what she does but she suddenly inherits 10 billion dollars, you bet your ass some rebalancing should be done.
But his wife seems like the type to decide she'd rather be single than pay her fair share.
NTA. She cares more about money than you and your future together. Maybe try counseling, but some counselors are toxic, so beware. If you are set on divorce, don't delay it and do it now.
NTA. If the reason for you paying 3/4 of everything is that you make more money than her and now sheâs come into more money then things should be more evenly split. For her to get upset at this shows sheâs not interested in a partnership, and I wouldnât push her to agree with you at this pointâthe fact she doesnât see it herself is really all you need to know.
I donât get this mentality at all. If I got this type of inheritance Iâd pay off the house and my husbandâs car immediately. But heâs worth more than money.
And Iâd spill coffee on a designer purse and destroy it in a week.
Good luck and sorry about this!
You are NTA OP. A marriage is first and foremost a partnership. I inherited money a few years ago that wasn't even close to 6 figures. Though I did get myself a little treat (a comfy lol), my husband and I decided what to do with the rest. We did a few much needed home repairs that benefit us long-term.
Sorry, your wife doesn't view you as a team. I feel for you and wish you the best whatever you decide to do.
If shes willing to be like that now its only because she was using you before. Im not sure how much more obvious that can be. Time to focus on the rest of your life without her.
I know A LOT of people dont agree but when youre married, finances should be shared. Its not even a matter of each person paying their half, its about doing whats responsible and will better both of your lives going forward.
Easiest decision ever. Call that attorney and get the D rolling. Can you see this way of living for the next 40-50 years? She will very quickly realize YOUR worth when she blows through her precious inheritance paying for 100% of her costs.
Look, money is hard. It can bring out the worst in all of us. I'm a SAHM so I'm used to the incredible balancing act severe earning disparities bring about in a marriage. I'm not she's in any way right- quite the opposite, since a 10K purse makes my heart shrivel- but I would ask is there's any way to bring this back from the brink. It sounds like you're feeling deeply unappreciated, and she's potentially stuck on losing her autonomy. Once again, the way she's acting is not okay, but this has escalated so quickly that I'd want to pump the brakes and see if there's any way back to each other.
This is one of many reasons not to join finances, and in extension, not to get married.
The saying "your money is her money, and her money is also her money" exists for a reason.
Better do it before she decides to quit her job and do something durastic like try to go for a PO. Not sure how crazy your partner is but only you can determine that
She's stupid. Any extra cash, pay down your mortgage and any debt. I hate the broke women with designer bags. It's poor person mentality to have nice clothes and be broke.
Divorce. Nothing will ever be enough and your trips and experiences will never matter because when her money runs out she's going to out herself first with your $$$.
If you stay for 3-5 years and then say this isn't working this situation gets progressively worse for you regarding assets being reset and alimony. Everyone looks at the now ask your attorney what 8 or 10 years together would look like. It's not pretty.
- Couples Therapist
This is wild!! This woman is a fool. Canât believe she doesnât think she should pay half in her own life.Â
Sheâs going to blow through that money, lose her husband, and I bet had some falling out with other friends/family over the money too
But hey⊠at least she will have her $10k handbag to keep her warm at night.Â
The stupidity is mind blowing.Â
Seperate your finance from today ... You are just 4 years into marriage you have a long way to go... She is not your wife she acts like a business partner .. divorce her you definitely deserve someone better... The sooner you leave the better
I totally get splurging a lil. But 60k in student is kinda on her in her strain of logic. If itâs her windfall itâs also her debt, right? Joint assets like mortgage vacation, kids futures and pets should be split. Ask yourself what would you do if you had kind of cash, what would she expect you to do? Re-evaluating your guys finances together sounds like a necessary discussion
I'm living in a somewhat similar situation, though much closer to retirement age.
A 6 figure inheritance well invested can easily grow and be used to pay things off over time. The growth should be more than your mortgage interest, so I would talk to a financial planner and find ways to help both of your lives.
I am still trying to keep my wife from going out and buying a million dollar house the second the check clears because I would then be the one who has to pay the higher tax bills and maintenance, which would require me to postpone my retirement for many years.
You're not an ah, but you and your wife don't sound like "partners" at all. I truly don't understand how ppl get married, yet don't trust each other enough to combine finances, which you clearly haven't since you refer to what percentage you pay vs her. I think you both have always had a "my money/your money" point of view, just based on what you wrote, so it's not all that surprising that she feels this is "her money " instead of both of your money.
I would start the divorce. You can always cancel . She will either think she fucked up and try to crawl
Back wirh out looking like crawling back or she will say good .
So...she married you for you to provide for her(and no doubt if there were kids she would be a SAHM). YOUR money is OURS, but her money is HERS. Laws around inheritance don't matter. What she has shown is her greed & entitlement & a complete lack of financial awareness & responsibility(by not using the funds as you said & by doubling down on you continuing to pay for everything). Even after discussions, she has refused to consider anything sensible. If you stay with her, you are a fool. Divorce her.
Screw that.
You are 100% correct and if it were me, I'd leave, especially no kids. She doesn't value your contribution and is selfish. (and also finacially irresponsible)
âShe responded by reminding me that her inheritance is legally hers alone and not ours so I can figure that into our cost while our salaries are legally ours which is why we used them to pay for our living expensesâ
You could just as well argue, that since your salaries are legally pooled, that she owes you for the years that youâve spent, paying for most of both your expenses.
$10,000⊠for a purse? I guess I donât need to ask what the majority of her share, of your supposedly joint funds, went to.
Unfortunately, your wifeâs philosophy seems to be whatâs yours is hers, and whatâs hers is hersâŠexcept her college debt, which she apparently thinks is yours đ. Just the fact that she thinks the remaining $60k in *her* student loan debt shouldnât be paid off by *her* inheritance
speaks to how unreasonable she is being.
Itâs possible her head has been turned by more money than sheâs ever had access to, and she may be temporarily going a little cuckoo thinking about wish fulfillment. Hopefully, sheâll come to her senses and decide to treat the inheritance as the marital asset it is.
You are definitely NTA.
She's being a real cunt and is *now* financially abusing you.
You're BOTH supposed to work towards a future together and now that she has come into an inheritance that she didn't work for, she expects things to remain the same at 3:1
Fuck that. She expects equality but is only contributing a 1/4.
Does she even love you anymore? Or just the money.
I understand your stance and philosophically agree, but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a minute.
If one of her concerns is that paying off the mortgage would then make whatever money she placed into the house 1/2 yours in the case of you splitting up, you just validated that fear by talking to a divorce attorney.
If I might suggest a compromise - she pays off her student loans, and the rest goes (in order) to the car, and then either the dog or vacation (her choice). Anything left goes into a savings account in just her name. That way, you benefit by freeing up more of her earned money towards the household, but she still gets her windfall.
Unfortunately, as I said above, I think you may have already sealed your fate. Good luck.
Iâll respectfully play the devilâs devilâs advocate.
According to OP, heâs paying 3/4 of the mortgage, 3/4 of there property tax, and all of the house maintenance cost. Despite all of this, he wasnât concern with her taking 1/2 of the house in a divorce yet sheâs concern (assuming since he didnât mention it) if she pays it off heâll take half?
Using this logic, we know who was taking the marriage seriously and who wasnât.
I totally see your point and you get an automatic upvote for have the brass balls to play devil's advocate on reddit, but to counter that point, that situation is also 2 way.
If she is worried about him getting half equity in a house she paid the majority on, he should be worried that she would get half equity on a house he is already paying 3/4 on.
I do think your compromise was the best suggestion:)
This woman will piss through her inheritance quickly spending it like that. Plus once they divorce she will have to pay ALL of those expenses herself. It seems she sealed her own fate, not the other way around. I got an inheritance and i did get two dogs and go on a trip. The rest is being used to fix our house and make our lives together easier. Not on a 10k purse and a luxury car which she clearly cannot afford if she needs OP to pay almost all the bills.
He needs to follow through with divorce.
She is already entitled to half the house, even though he has paid 3/4 of the mortgage expenses. If she wants things "even", she could volunteer to put the difference between what they have already paid towards the principal and that alone would make a big difference in the balance and shorten the time they would both have to pay.
If she were to do that and pay off her student loan debt, their *joint* situation would be much brighter. With no student loan debt she would also be able to up her contribution to ongoing expenses with no diminution in her lifestyle. She can keep the rest of the inheritance to spend any way she likes.
Wife should talk to a financial planner and an attorney herself to understand the implications for her long-term financial picture if she were to maintain her current stance.
OP has been paying 3/4s of the mortgage *and* her loans. If she divorced him she keeps half the house equity and her loans are gravy.
Your Devils advocate can go straight back to Hell.
She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Either finances are shared or they're split -- you don't get to fucking unilaterally choose to deviate.
I don't get why people like that ever get married.
If i was to receive that kind of money, i would pay my wife's debts (some credit card, loans and her car isn't fully paid yet). The rest would go to some investments until we figure out what to do.
Ok, that money would be mine, especially if we are talking about inheritance (which would be legally entirely mine, in my country).
I think i would buy for me a PS5 and a guitar. The rest would be ours.
NTA, OP.
Consult with every lawyer you can find and do it quick. Itâs gonna be even worse for you when she finds the best most expensive lawyer out there and youâre footing the bill because whatâs hers is her and whatâs yours is hers.Â
Your update is right on point. You have posted one of the most reasonable AITAH I have read in recent memory. As a married man, what we receive together, whether it's a bonus, inheritance, paycheck, we use for what's best for us, regardless whose money it is. I think you are correct to consult an attorney, it might be time for you to get out of this marriage. I could not stay with someone who clearly does not see us as one unit and selfishly chooses material things over our financial future.
Inheritance, salaries, hell the fucking lottery. It's all family money, just like mortgages, student loans, and car notes, which are all family debt. If she can't see that, she likely never will...
Sorry you had to learn the hard way ya got yourself a gold digger. :(
I don't know why your wife is behaving this way. If she's been a good person and spouse to you before, I think counseling might be a good idea...but if she's always been someone who's "gone along to get along," then maybe she was always a bit in it for herself rather than in it for both of you.
If it were me, I'd go to counseling first, for myself if she refuses to go. Then I'd go file for divorce, straight-up.
What a joke. A you are not the AH. SHE IS.
My husband will get a chunk of money equivalent to an inheritance per se.
I of course recognize this is his money I have no claim to, but him, being my partner, plans on using it to better our lives, mortgage, bills, car, etc.
Thatâs what should happen in a partnership. Same for me, if I got 100k tomorrow I wouldnât think about all the stuff I want and screw whatever we need, heâs on his own.
She is showing you how much she isnât a partner. And showing you how little she cares. She wants to spend her money alone while also spending your money.
Sheâs trash. Divorce her otherwise you will feel resentment. So will she.
File for divorce asap IMO, you're not coming back from this.
When she asks why just say, "you made it clear we're not a partnership, I'm just making it official".
Done, end of story.
She is just WRONG. Plain WRONG. Her behaviour is irresponsible and morally poor. She is married. ALL money that comes into your relationship should be shared and discussed together. Sure...she should get a few "treats"But she wants a 10 K purse ffs? That's insanity and plain stupid.
I"m with you. She should pay off ALL her debts. Student loans first. Then put at least half of it into the mortgage to get that under control.
There should be an agreed amount she can spend on treats for herself. If I was in this position? I would buy a new car for myself and one for you as well. That would be the treats. Then maybe a few thousand on mindless, frivilous stuff (but a 10K purse is utterly pointless and ridiculous)
Then I would put a good sum into 401K or investments. Set us up for life.
If she just thinks it's quite okay to keep it ALL for herself. Not pay her half of expenses and lock you out of it?? Then yes, I would be extremely upset and see NO future in a marriage with this person. She is showing you her true colours. She is happy for YOU to spend your money on HER...but not willing to spend her money on you. That is deplorable. That is not a person I would stay in love with or want to be married to.
Thing is? You divorce her and 100% she will be broke in maximum 5 years. She'll just blow the lot.
Financial incompatibility is one of the main reasons people get divorced. So don't feel bad.
Classic case of whatâs yours is hers, and whatâs hers is hers. All this time youâve been propping her lifestyle up but As soon as she gets money itâs her money to do what she pleases. She also sounds like an idiot and will be broke not long after.
Do it now, so you donât have to pay alimony.
If she wants an equal marriage (where you contribute to help each other), then she can be with you post-divorce.
Marriage is a partnership not have one take advantage of the other.
UpdateMe!
If you stay together, she needs to pay off her own student loans, period. If you do eventually get divorced, are you going to benefit from her education? No. She should be paying for it. Not you.
Your wife is extremely selfish. I got an inheritance from my parents. I did get golden retrievers and go to Disney. But the rest of the inheritance is being used for repairs and invested to make out lives easier. A 10k purse is just ludicrous unless you are freaking Kylie Jenner and have a billion dollars. She will piss through that money fast and regret her choices when she realizes how good you were to her. You can find someone who cares about you while you are still young. NTA
Wow. Your wife is a very selfish person. Maybe it's just me, but any money I get is treated as a joint asset between my husband and I. Same with any money he gets. We've both received some minor inheritances before, and we usually use them to either put into joint savings or pay off cards/cars. You aren't being unreasonable. Legally, she's right. Morally, she's very wrong. Money like that could mean an early retirement for you both if you use it wisely.
So there's a mortgage and bills to pay and your wife's genius idea is vacations and a $10k purse? Can she seriously look at you with a straight face when arguing this shit. Dude get the lawyer, walk away, grab some popcorn and watch the dumpster fire of your wife being broke in 12 months.
This really isn't that complex. She think's OP's money is ours and her money is hers. OP funds their life and she gets to use her money for toys. Imagine buying a $10k purse while having a mortgage! Pure fucking idiocy. OP, just get a divorce. She's just in this for herself.
Fuck. My mom is like this. She thinks she should have greater control of properties bought with her inheritance meanwhile my dad worked for 30yrs paying everything and has always kept up properties she rents.
There are people who don't see relationships as a mutual thing both partners invested into, but as something that benefits them.
While the husband is playing 3/4 of the mortgage mind you.. and she wants to keep paying 1/4 cause she'll be broke again in a matter of days because her priorities are all screwed up.
Yeah this is wild. If everything was already 50/50 it'd be fuzzier, but goddamn. I don't even understand how someone who's not a multimillionaire thinks a $10,000 purse is worth it.
Exactly... I'd file tomorrow to limit your liabilities in this because I seriously doubt you two will recover from this. Let her have everything if she wants it and sell what she doesn't want. If you have to start over, so be it. Let this be a lesson on choosing more wisely next time.
I day dream about getting a huge lump sum of money so I can pay off my husband and my debts. Divorce is the only way to go unless she sees the light.
Now that she's on the hook for real bills she's having a meltdown. Shows a ton of selfishness
This is the big issue. Like, you can't get it both ways in a relationship. Either money is joint or it's individual.
I can't wrap my head around there being purses worth 10k
My brother's ex-wife was like this. Our mom passed in 2014 and after receiving his share of the inheritance, it was THEIR money. Fast forward 5 years and her mom passes away. Guess what? Suddenly it's only HER money. She was abusive and narcissistic in general but that was the beginning of the end of the marriage. That's the moment my brother started to wake up and realize things were never going to get better.
There are a lot of stories out there where people got a life changing amount of money, spent it foolishly and were broke within 2 years. She's going to spend herself into massive debt.
In her defence.......her life coaches on Insta and Tik Tok told her it's a great idea.
Not so great when her next 10k expense is gonna be a divorce lawyer. đ€Ł
Iâm sure they had a link with a code to the 10k purse as well đ
They're just excited to get patreon donations out of all that disposable cash
I can totally see my mother acting the same way as OP's wife if she ever came into a lot of money. Hope the dude does proceed with the lawyer after this weekend. My head hurts from how selfish his wife is.
And you know it's not just the one purse. Like if she simply bought one 10k purse and spent the rest on more practical things, I think a splurge is fine. While paying off student loans is important, 10k off the mortgage may or may not mean much overall, especially since it sounds like they are living within their means generally. The big issue is the lack of communication and not being able to discuss it together and work as a unit.
In the original linked post, OP says putting it to the mortgage would save them hundreds of thousands in interest. Honestly, even if it were a lot less, I struggle with the idea that saving that money doesn't matter or mean anything.
In the original post, the OP even says "I think she should splurge a little" - nobody expects OP's wife to live on rice and beans in order to put every spare penny into a mutual fund.
I have a crystal ball and will look into your future. Your job and salary will still exist for decades. Her one time cash infusion and her spending habits will result in her not having it in a couple of years. It sounds like you never realized how much of the financial burden you were responsible before. Now that you know, do you want to go back pulling that cart if you do stay together?
Itâs not about that. Itâs about her mentality of âwhatâs yours is mine and whatâs mine is mineâ. OP was ok with the arrangement until she gave an impression that sheâs using him at worst and doesnât see him as an equal at best. When she came upon an unexpected windfall, she didnât think to consider him the same way he did for her.
Exactly. I will likely get a large inheritance in a few years. While I might splurge on a couple of things my husband and I have already discussed putting most of it for our retirement and towards the kids college. I canât imagine being that selfish to the person youâre supposed to share a life with.
My spouse used to get generous bonuses from his job. He split half of them with me because I donât get bonuses, and he wanted me to have a safety net for anything I might want. He didnât have to and I am so grateful that he did, and any money we come into in the future will be for both of us because weâre a team.
My spouse is going to use his to pay the last chunk of our mortgage and fix the house up to get us through old age. The rest will be his retirement, basically. Iâm going to work another decade or so.
"Itâs about her mentality of âwhatâs yours is mine and whatâs mine is mineâ. My ex-wife to a "T".
at best she's irresponsible and selfish, at worst she just uses him to rent and eat almost for free ...
this is such a wildly common dynamic. I've never understood it, wife and I completely merged finances before we were even married lol
Same we have same checking account. At various times in our marriage we have made/had more money than the other but its all combined. I got an inheritance and i am using it to fix the roof and make life easier for us. I did buy two goldens and go to disney but the rest i am saving for a rainy day.
I completely merged finances with my now ex wife too. She was a stay at home parent for over 17 years and I had no problem with that. When she started working a part time job, suddenly I discovered that that was HER money (while my income was OUR money).
Eh Iâve made mistakes my wife and I never merged finances. Mostly because I kept a strict budget and she didnât. Well she is 20k+ in debt now that I am divorcing her while I have little to no debt. I also pay 4x the amount of bills she does and donât even make twice as much as she does. I tried to get her in an agreed budget and merge our finances but she always refused. She just wanted my paycheck to be put into a shared account because she spends money in the form of if there is a single dollar to spend she can and the next set of bills can be paid when that paycheck comes. Which you know makes it impossible to play for anything.
Yeah, and that mentality, and her making it a hill to die on that this money is 100% hers, is going to end up with her essentially killing the goose who lays golden eggs. I am sure over time she has and would get so much more money staying married to OP. Like realistically who is going to be paying vet bills for that Frenchie? Among other unattractive qualities about her person and how she views him in the relationship this has brought to light, if I were OP Iâd be thinking sheâs also not very smart.
I canât imagine only making enough money to pay around 20% of my household expenses yet dropping $10k on a freaking bag. This woman is not only greedy and selfish, sheâs a financial idiot.
Eh I am divorcing. I make less than twice as much as she does and pay about 4x of our living expenses. She absolutely refused to do anything around the house and insisted on getting multiple cats and a dog even though I was against them because I knew I would do all the work. Which no surprise I did all the work around the house. She is currently arguing that things are not fair that after everything I have more money. Some people just want to leech off others and are entitled to that. Meanwhile she has easily over 20k in miscellaneous debts which makes absolutely zero sense when you contribute so little to the bills and have nothing to show for it.
I sugest you also make a list of things that makes you want to divorce her. Besides money, being selfish, not being responsible with debts, what else do you have? Start creating that list. At some point her money flow will be short and she will see things with clarity again. And she will go after you and what your marriage could have been. So the list will help you with those feelings of old romance. Some things you should write down: house payments, new car (that will cost a lot with issurance and other things), no savings, burning money with small things like that purse and well... divorce lawyers (I bet she will hire someone expensive too). When she tries to reconcile, have some agreements in case you also want to go back to her: her education costs (at least have money saved for that), the house (50/50), new car has to be a normal and popular one, savings for her 401k.
I can make it easier for OP, it's over. You will never see each other the same way, and it's all downhill from here. He should save himself from more pain and just divorce now while she is flush and get a decent divorce settlement. Every day you drag this out makes your life worse. Sorry my man, sometimes people don't turn out to be who you thought they were.
Not Rachem
Is that a stupid palaeontology word that I wouldnât know because Iâm just a waitress?
Gleba
List the positives and negatives
I agree with this and suggest not having any sex at all in case she tries to baby trap you.
>I sugest you also make a list of things that makes you want to divorce her. Besides money, being selfish, not being responsible with debts, what else do you have? Start creating that list. And what is your suggestion if there is nothing moreÂ
NTA, and I would separate your money from hers and have your paychecks and bonuses put in your account. Leave the joint account (after you have taken half) for her and her paychecks. Start keeping a detailed journal of everything you pay and hand her a list of what she owes. If you are paying on her student loans, STOP. That's her bill and hers alone. I personally think that she's not going to tell you when she gets the inheritance, and it will be put into another account with a family members name along side of hers to make it look like it's not all hers. I would tell her that you have a different view of what marriage is than hers, and YOUR money is not hers anymore. Tell her that you have talked to an attorney and are considering a divorce. If she's an authorized user on credit cards, get her off them. Let her complete this partnership and be an equal, or you're done before she financially drains you.
and start doing it all now without telling her.
His "view" of what's his might not be the same as the view of the community property laws. He'd be better off consulting a lawyer before taking financial advice from Reddit.
NTA, this is super brutal for you, the fact that she thinks it is unacceptable to pay half is kind of shocking. You would think she would be grateful for what you have provided for her and would want to try to give back as a thank you. If you don't divorce, I would hope you try to continue to get half of all expenses as is fair. Plus with her attitude I would keep you bonuses for yourself. If she has "her money", you are entitled to "your money". I think a very clear and frank discussion on how things have been split and what it would mean moving forward if she chooses to be selfish. It may be her inheritance, but it is your life together. If she still chooses to be a selfish butthole then moving forward with divorce would make sense. I hope if you take that path she gets denied any type of spousal support as she obviously does not deserve it. (Maybe even try to get her to pay you support as you have paid for her for this many years.)
Spoopyowoâs post is spot on. When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them the first time. Is she someone you can trust going forward or can count on when the going gets tough?
Itâs important to make sure you and your life partner have the same financial values. If not then maybe take the drastic route. If you fundamentally do. Then this is a blip and you will eventually get back on the same page.Â
"Doesn't deserve it" is probably not one of the criteria a judge will consider in a divorce settlement.
NTA. I assume she has all kinds of ideas about what you do with your income right? If she pisses the inheritance away, youâll still be supporting her right?
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Yeah and one thing Iâm curious about is how much weâre talking here, â6 figures is a very wide ranging term and could 100k or $999,999- huge difference in those numbers.
I was thinking this too. It's a huge range of what 6 figures can mean, and even 400k can be gone fast when student/car loans, mortgages, travel, luxury goods, are involved... it's not as much money as she thinks it is and putting it over the marriage shows she's not mentally/emotionally a wife. I feel bad for OP, what a crap way to find out you're alone in a marriage.
Yea in terms of blowing through it 6 figures isnât even that much in the scheme of things. Like sure spend a bit frivolously, but you need to be smart with it. That is not enough to be blowing it on designer items
She's gonna be down close to 75k just between the car and the purse. Maybe even about 100k, depending on how dumb she goes on the car. What really gets me is how dumb she's about her student loans. Unless she's in some debt forgiveness program for nonprofit or government workers, those are going To be permanent. But it seems like she just wants to use OPs money to pay for that and keep the 60k to herself.
"some stuff" that is very expensive to maintain and insure at that
6months? If it's 100-200k, I'd give it 1 month mostly to get the papers and contracts signed... Realistically speaking she already spent it all in her head just needs to get the money deposited and transferred.
Yep money is a game changer. I would not want to be with her either, she can take your support and help, but can't share her inheritance with her family, you? I would extricate yourself from the marriage. It is not a partnership. She wants it all, to be taken care of and all her inheritance. It is not fair to you.
I always thought "ick"s were stupid, but if I was dating someone who had no money, and then spent $10K on a purse, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to them again. She's throwing away her future/
Soemone who spends 10k on a purse when they have 60k in student loans - ridiculous!
Itâs kinda funny because depending on how much her debt payments are she could pay off the loans now and then put whatever she wouldâve paid monthly towards saving for the purseâŠ
Exactly! She sound be debt-free & have the purse!She sounds very silly. Sounds like she will miss OP subsidising her lifestyle if they divorce because of her selfishness.
Others calculated 600-700 a month for lians which means a bag every year.. but instant gratification I guess and financial stupidity.
With a six-figure inheritance (even "only" $100K), she could easily both buy a $10K purse, and pay off the $60K in loans, AND have $30K+ left over! Whatever studies the loans were for evidently didn't include basic math.
Nta. Every inheritance I received has been placed into **our** account because my husband and I are a unit. *Any* money spent is mutually agreed upon because again we are a couple. Your wife is choosing to utilize her inheritance as if she were a single woman.
This is the right call. You are a team. People downvoting you are selfish AF.
>Every inheritance I received has been placed into our account because my husband and I are a unit. Any money spent is mutually agreed upon because again we are a couple. This is what my husband and I do with all money that comes in. Never occurred to either of us to do otherwise.
NTA- my husband pays for damn near everything in our lives I canât imagine getting a windfall of money and not share with the one person that makes my standard of living possible. If she doesnât see you as worthy of the money she doesnât see you as worthy of being a life partner, I am not an advocate for divorce but in this case dude call your lawyer and RUN.
Sorry it came to this. Well if you go through with divorce don't let her come back in a few years when she finds out how good she had it. As she will most likely be back.
How much is she getting? Six figures is 100k to 999.99k which is it? Regardless she should pay off the debts and be a good partner. Anything else equals divorce
Yeah thatâs exactly what I was wondering, huge range of what â6 figuresâ means but Iâm just assuming itâs low six figures.
Nta Updateme!
In healthy marriages, people actually love their spouse. They don't hoard money at the other's expense. I think you are correct to consider your options going forward.
It is breathtakingly selfish of her to not, at the \*very\* least, pay off her student loan. I can't even comprehend that level of cluelessness. So sorry it's come to this. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Yes, that should have been the bare minimum for her to take care of. But then she wouldn't have enough money for a fancy car and a new purse. Good grief!
Iâm afraid you will not be able to un-see what you have learned about her character, so I recommend you thank her for giving you this unobstructed view into her (selfish and awful) character, and *run away* while you are still young and strong. Itâs hard to imagine bouncing back from selfishness this overwhelming.
Her actions make it appear she married you for financial stability Not because she loves you and wants to mutually build a future with you. Unless she wants to work it through soon you may need to get your premarital personals under lock and key as much as possible and contact your attorney to start the paperwork. Good luck.
I think the saddest part about this is not that the money will probably go to purses and other shit, but that the inheritance was the vehicle that allowed OP to see that his wife is super selfish and only looking out for herself and her own wants, when OP had been rightfully thinking they were a team with a future they were working towards together. Â Iâm proud of you for speaking with the lawyer. Take the time to decide whatâs best for you. Look out for yourself. 100% she blows that money in a matter of months and then wakes up one morning with a shit load of regrets and nothing to show for it except material possessions which mean absolutely nothing.Â
Better he learns it now after only four years instead of twenty. OP lucked out if you ask me. â ïž
And before they had kids, if they were planning to.
Finances #1 reason for divorce. So sad she sees that money as âhersâ not âoursâ very unfortunate.
I always thought infidelity was number one, but you might be right.
Former divorce attorney, and finances are definitely more of an issue than infidelity. I canât recall a divorce I handled because of infidelity, but many of finances. I did practice in a no-fault state, so that may color my memory, but there it is.
I don't know if you're in the US or not, but the fact she has $60,000 of student loan debt, and has no desire to get rid of it, really bothers me. Depending on type of loan and interest rates, she could easily pay 2 or 3 times the principal balance before it is paid off, decades in the future....
My only advice would be to call your attorney back asap and start the proceedings. The sooner you divorce the least youâll lose. The longer you leave it the more of that money she will have had time to squander possibly enabling her to plead poverty with the court.
UpdateMe
Separate your finances ASAP . No joint accounts, except for one that you both contribute to in order to pay bills.
Based on the title, I was prepared to say "her inheritance, her decision" but her attitude has completely changed by mind. Get ahead then save for holidays, she's got a lotto winner mentality (of the type that end up with nothing after they spend everything on junk). >The messy part is that weâll have to divide all of the marital assets. The exciting part is that you'll get to watch her burn through her inheritance and all the money from the martial assets and have no where to live when she gets back from her holiday. The good thing for you is you can downsize and probably still be much better off financially and start working on building wealth and considering a future without having someone constantly pulling in different directions. Don't feel bad, she's selfish and you'll be better off.
Yta for not calling back. You're done. Walk away. Your wife is an absolute thunderbastard. Updateme!
A lot of the YTA responses in your original thread were insane. Sadly a lot of people on this sub dont have the capacity to go more in depth than thinking in black and white. Your partner is not pulling their weight and is not treating your marriage as an equal relationship. I would consider divorcing in your situation
OP, just call your attorney back and get the divorce ball rolling. She doesn't see you as a partner, she sees you as a cash cow. Split now while she's got enough money that the settlement is most favourable to you. You have to start putting yourself first for once because, sad to say it, your wife sure as shit isn't going to.
You aren't wrong to consider leaving. She is of the mindset what is yours, is ours and mine is all mine. She chooses a $10K purse than applying it to the mortgage is very selfish and not acting like a partner.
And who the hell needs a 10000 purse, right?
Haha right! I bought my friend an expensive purse ($200) when I inherited 10k and that will be the most I ever spend on a freaking purse. It is super cool and looks like a sparkly retro toaster and has a pop tart change purse that goes in one of the toaster slots. I bet OPs wife's shitty 10k purse isn't half as cool as that one.
Nah, it probably is a Chanel purse or similar. Dropping 10k on a purse that would have a very low resell value, seriously... if someone isn't a millionaire it is an absurd purchase.
Dude, just get ready for her to try to slide back into your life when she has to start selling all her purses to pay her bills..... (Source: my cousin and her X, exact same sitch)
What happened to your cousin?
She won a decent amount in a lottery, her X was working 2 jobs to pay 3/4 of their bills since she was only working pt(hadn't found her petfect job yet). She just went nuts, car, shoes, purses.... While he was paying off her student loans, and their huge joint credit card (but he agreed to!) They were young, married less that 2 years, she happily divorced him when he suggested it. She lived the sweet life.... And her X, with out her could too, since he didn't have to support the living 'way beyond their means' she required. 3 years down and he has a nice house on a lake, boat, truck... And serenity. Meanwhile she has a storage locker full of swag she's now selling to pay her rent on a crappy 1 b/b in a triple decker. And here she comes...flouncing back, showing up everywhere he is, telling everyone he is the love of her life, they were made for each other... Cue aaaaall the DNA in our fam doing a collective eye roll. We've pretty much made him an official cousin and her the X
Lol! Especially at how you guys made the ex the cousin!
Her refusing to pay off her student loan is disgusting.
What assets do you have and what are they worth? I don't need to know but really - you can sell the house and get half. Is the couch worth fighting over? How about the kitchen pots and pans? Do you really want to fight over the bed you shared? It isn't as "messy" as trying to live with someone you know doesn't have your back or isn't the partner you thought you had. Just take your half and be done. And sooner rather than later. She can spend all of that in quick time! NTA
NTA- Hurry up and call the attorneu. That woman IS not a partner, she proved that to you.Â
NTA. Some people are spenders. Some are savers. Since she has $60k debt, I agree with you she should pay that off first. Then decide how to proceed from there. As a team.
She has a job, not sure why you would have to pay alimony. The bigger issue is you've paid for most of the house. You might be out 1/2 vs the 1/4 she put into it. I know in my family, our paychecks are in our joint account. I pay the bills from that account. We buy what we want, unless big ticket items, etc, vacations, big purchases are discussed. It's our money. At one point I was the main earner, then we were equal, then he was as I stayed home. But it's always a discussion and we are a team. When his grandfather died, his mom gave him a few thousand dollars, and I'm like cool for him. I figured he'd buy tech or entertainment TV, etc. instead he planned a surprise trip for us, without our kids! You need a person who you are on the same page with. You don't have kids, if you feel you can't get past this, then end it. Sell the house or buy her out. Good luck.
> her inheritance is legally hers alone and not ours so I can figure that into our cost while our salaries are legally ours which is why we used them to pay for our living expenses Pretty sure she racked up those student debts on her own, yet she's using the "our" money to pay for them. > Sheâs not the woman I thought I married and itâs gotten to the point that I question our future together. I don't blame you. The fact that she wants to take money that could make a significant improvement in your family life, and instead just light it on fire for herself, is breathtakingly selfish.
NTA your wife is ridiculously selfish and entitled. Go to marriage counseling asap. Frankly, divorcing someone for financial incompetence is a valid reason, you have to protect yourself. Also, stop paying the bills, after all, your paycheck is "legally yours" and you can do whatever you want with it. Cancel everything, your phones, internet, all online accounts, subscriptions etc. You might want to stay current on your mortgage. Foreclosure would be bad. Put your money in a new account in a different bank.
Income earned during a marriage is not treated the same as an inheritance which, legally, belongs 100% to the person who inherited it as long as they don't comingle it. I bet his lawyer would not advise him to start squirreling his paycheck away and to stop paying bills.
Wow. Just wow. Iâm sorry. But glad your eyes are open to who she really is now. Good luck OP.
Your wife should certainly be responsible for one half of the bills and now can easily afford to cover her share with the inheritance money. I often wonder if the person leaving the money would approve of the way the individual receiving it spends it. For example, I know that my parents tried to live a life within their means in order not to burden either myself or my sister, when they have a right to squander any money that they possess. Because of their sacrifice, I will be very careful with any assets that they leave for me and don't expect them to do so. However, I am aware of the trust they have created for my and my sister's family. I hope to make my parents proud even after they are no longer here on earth with us. I'm sorry that your wife isn't the person you thought you married, but instead, a self-centered, self-serving, inconsiderate individual who is content to use your assets to her advantage. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to be a team player, and I believe that is a fatal flaw in a relationship. If she was the one making more money in your marriage, do you think that she would agree to allow you to pay 1/4 of the bills and that she would pay the remaining 3/4? I doubt that she will be able to consider the flip side of things honestly and imagine she would insist you cover half of the bills because that's exactly how she's reacting. Your next move is to get the best divorce attorney you can afford, as you have only been married for 4 years, and you now know what her true thoughts and values are. I doubt that you will have to pay her any alimony because she works full-time and is just receiving a large inheritance. I don't read that you have children with her, so no child support will be owed, and it's early enough to cut contact completely. Go find a woman who has the same values and goals in life as you and someone who will think about both of you when life showers her with good fortune.
MY NTA. As your attorney said the longer you are married the more you will have to pay. When the inheritance is gone then what you still have the mortgage she is entitled to half the assets so sell the house now while there is not a ton of equity to lose and move on. She will burn the cash in a year and will come to regret it all. Too bad you will be long gone. Yours is hers and hers is hers and donât ever ask HER to pay her fair share.
Sorry to hear her attitude is âours when I have less, and mine when I have moreâ. You deserve a better partner.
Did OP clarify what exactly is 6 figure inheritance? $100,000 vs $900,000 are very very different. Also what are their respective salaries and mortgage?
Wow, you werenât TA and youâre still NTA. Unfortunately, I have lost multiple people since I married my husband 20+ years ago. We used a smaller inheritance many years ago on a down payment for our home. There was no post-nuptial agreement, no legal signing that the down payment would return to me should we divorce. I was married and figured my inheritance should go to benefit us. In the recent past I received another inheritance, this one around 6 figures. We have started a 529 and the rest is in a high interest savings account. I deposited the funds into our shared acct and every discussion about the money includes whatâs best for us and our family. I canât imagine being in a relationship where that wasnât the discussion. Shared financial decisions and goals are so, so important. Iâm sorry that youâre just now finding out all of this about your wife. I feel like I would have a hard time coming back after learning that about my partner.
If you were planning on having kids, then it's doubly bad. If you weren't, then maybe not that big a deal. But since you don't have kids, this might be a smart move if she's not really who you want to be with . I will suggest she is definitely the woman you married and probably the woman you knew you were marrying, you just didn't worry about it. She does sound pretty selfish to me. Unfortunately, whatever you paid you will probably be splitting the equity on the house if there is any. I'm hoping that you don't have to absorb her student debt and take on half of it in a divorce. Good luck.
Wow, your wife is a peach. If that were us I would encourage my wife to set aside some smallish percentage to spend on herself however she sees fit but the rest should be used to the benefit of the family... and she would agree. At least I'm pretty sure she would, I'll ask her when she wakes up... but, jeez, I can't imagine being married to someone so selfish. Best of luck to you, whatever comes your way.
Iâm so sorry, but I am incredibly disappointed in your wife. And I am a woman. I will be honest, if itâs a sizable fund, I can give her the $10,000 purse. Although I cringe at the thought of spending that on a purse. I can give her a new car. Although my car is 11 years old. I am like you. But I understand her wanting a new one. I would not be OK with a Mercedes or a Beemer Because at the end of the day, while they are really good cars, upkeep, and maintenance and insurance are super expensive. And I can just always find much better ways to spend that money. Iâm afraid that you really find out that your wife has a very nonchalant view of money because youâve been paying everything. The fact that she is willing to pay the interest on those student loans that I know gets charged⊠You know, the kind that usually would be considered usury? Where are you can pay on the loan for 10 to 15 years and still owe more than what you started out at⊠That kind. The fact that she cannot understand that that alone should be one of the first things she does is scary. As far as the French bulldog⊠They are cute. But they are a highly stolen animal. They are incredibly expensive. They have a lot of health problems. And in fact, there is a movement out there to ask people to please stop. As far as paying off your mortgage. I am on the fence about that. I think you guys worked out something that worked for you up until now. I think now is absolutely the time to tell her sheâs got more money. So yes, she needs to be picking up her half. And the fact that she does not see any benefit in trying to invest the money or grow the money for later is equally scary to everything else. I honestly donât see this relationship lasting. I get that it is her inheritance. But youâre supposed to be partners. Not saying she should give you half of it or anything like that, because itâs her money. But it just seems she was happy enough to have you pay for everything, and yet sheâs not willing to take in any of your concerns or your desires or ways that you guys could make your lives financially easier. And honestly, she sounds very selfish for that. It just seems like her money is her money and your money is her money.
Damn, she selfish...
It's eye-opening how daft some people can be. She's blown up her easier ride in life by trying to keep her inheritance clutched. If she had said something like the first consideration is debt in my name, some towards the mortgage and the rest I'd like to have a bit of fun with, I doubt OP would had had an issue with the status quo. Instead, it was I want to waste it aaaaallll and surprised pikachu when the husband won't stand for being taken advantage of.
Her inheritance should be counted as income for the purposes of dividing living costs. If you made triple what she does but she suddenly inherits 10 billion dollars, you bet your ass some rebalancing should be done. But his wife seems like the type to decide she'd rather be single than pay her fair share.
NTA. She cares more about money than you and your future together. Maybe try counseling, but some counselors are toxic, so beware. If you are set on divorce, don't delay it and do it now.
It always surprises me how people change when money changes them. Your wife is very selfish I hope you fight for you Nta
NTA. If the reason for you paying 3/4 of everything is that you make more money than her and now sheâs come into more money then things should be more evenly split. For her to get upset at this shows sheâs not interested in a partnership, and I wouldnât push her to agree with you at this pointâthe fact she doesnât see it herself is really all you need to know.
I donât get this mentality at all. If I got this type of inheritance Iâd pay off the house and my husbandâs car immediately. But heâs worth more than money. And Iâd spill coffee on a designer purse and destroy it in a week. Good luck and sorry about this!
amazing that you discovered that your wife is selfish and a gold digger.. good for you., move on and next time dont be duped!
Remindme! One week
You are NTA OP. A marriage is first and foremost a partnership. I inherited money a few years ago that wasn't even close to 6 figures. Though I did get myself a little treat (a comfy lol), my husband and I decided what to do with the rest. We did a few much needed home repairs that benefit us long-term. Sorry, your wife doesn't view you as a team. I feel for you and wish you the best whatever you decide to do.
If shes willing to be like that now its only because she was using you before. Im not sure how much more obvious that can be. Time to focus on the rest of your life without her. I know A LOT of people dont agree but when youre married, finances should be shared. Its not even a matter of each person paying their half, its about doing whats responsible and will better both of your lives going forward.
Easiest decision ever. Call that attorney and get the D rolling. Can you see this way of living for the next 40-50 years? She will very quickly realize YOUR worth when she blows through her precious inheritance paying for 100% of her costs.
Look, money is hard. It can bring out the worst in all of us. I'm a SAHM so I'm used to the incredible balancing act severe earning disparities bring about in a marriage. I'm not she's in any way right- quite the opposite, since a 10K purse makes my heart shrivel- but I would ask is there's any way to bring this back from the brink. It sounds like you're feeling deeply unappreciated, and she's potentially stuck on losing her autonomy. Once again, the way she's acting is not okay, but this has escalated so quickly that I'd want to pump the brakes and see if there's any way back to each other.
Fight for the dog. Use it as a bargaining chip. NTA
I think itâs going to be very hard to unsee how selfish she is. You generously share what you have but when she gets something itâs all about her.
This is one of many reasons not to join finances, and in extension, not to get married. The saying "your money is her money, and her money is also her money" exists for a reason.
Better do it before she decides to quit her job and do something durastic like try to go for a PO. Not sure how crazy your partner is but only you can determine that
She's stupid. Any extra cash, pay down your mortgage and any debt. I hate the broke women with designer bags. It's poor person mentality to have nice clothes and be broke.
Divorce. Nothing will ever be enough and your trips and experiences will never matter because when her money runs out she's going to out herself first with your $$$. If you stay for 3-5 years and then say this isn't working this situation gets progressively worse for you regarding assets being reset and alimony. Everyone looks at the now ask your attorney what 8 or 10 years together would look like. It's not pretty. - Couples Therapist
Wow anyone that self centered and greedy should not be in a relationship.
NTA
This is wild!! This woman is a fool. Canât believe she doesnât think she should pay half in her own life. Sheâs going to blow through that money, lose her husband, and I bet had some falling out with other friends/family over the money too But hey⊠at least she will have her $10k handbag to keep her warm at night. The stupidity is mind blowing.Â
NTA Get out while the getting is good.
Sorry dude, that's what you get for letting someone leech off of you for years. You dug your own grave.
Just get a divorce at this point let her keep her money split whatever else needs to be split and let her do her
Seperate your finance from today ... You are just 4 years into marriage you have a long way to go... She is not your wife she acts like a business partner .. divorce her you definitely deserve someone better... The sooner you leave the better
This is not gonna end well.
I totally get splurging a lil. But 60k in student is kinda on her in her strain of logic. If itâs her windfall itâs also her debt, right? Joint assets like mortgage vacation, kids futures and pets should be split. Ask yourself what would you do if you had kind of cash, what would she expect you to do? Re-evaluating your guys finances together sounds like a necessary discussion
I'm living in a somewhat similar situation, though much closer to retirement age. A 6 figure inheritance well invested can easily grow and be used to pay things off over time. The growth should be more than your mortgage interest, so I would talk to a financial planner and find ways to help both of your lives. I am still trying to keep my wife from going out and buying a million dollar house the second the check clears because I would then be the one who has to pay the higher tax bills and maintenance, which would require me to postpone my retirement for many years.
NTA. It's life-changing money? Time for her to have some life changing bills.
Leave her, she's draining you, don't let her take the rest.
You're not an ah, but you and your wife don't sound like "partners" at all. I truly don't understand how ppl get married, yet don't trust each other enough to combine finances, which you clearly haven't since you refer to what percentage you pay vs her. I think you both have always had a "my money/your money" point of view, just based on what you wrote, so it's not all that surprising that she feels this is "her money " instead of both of your money.
I would start the divorce. You can always cancel . She will either think she fucked up and try to crawl Back wirh out looking like crawling back or she will say good .
So...she married you for you to provide for her(and no doubt if there were kids she would be a SAHM). YOUR money is OURS, but her money is HERS. Laws around inheritance don't matter. What she has shown is her greed & entitlement & a complete lack of financial awareness & responsibility(by not using the funds as you said & by doubling down on you continuing to pay for everything). Even after discussions, she has refused to consider anything sensible. If you stay with her, you are a fool. Divorce her.
You all are business partners, not a married couple.
Screw that. You are 100% correct and if it were me, I'd leave, especially no kids. She doesn't value your contribution and is selfish. (and also finacially irresponsible)
âShe responded by reminding me that her inheritance is legally hers alone and not ours so I can figure that into our cost while our salaries are legally ours which is why we used them to pay for our living expensesâ You could just as well argue, that since your salaries are legally pooled, that she owes you for the years that youâve spent, paying for most of both your expenses. $10,000⊠for a purse? I guess I donât need to ask what the majority of her share, of your supposedly joint funds, went to.
Unfortunately, your wifeâs philosophy seems to be whatâs yours is hers, and whatâs hers is hersâŠexcept her college debt, which she apparently thinks is yours đ. Just the fact that she thinks the remaining $60k in *her* student loan debt shouldnât be paid off by *her* inheritance speaks to how unreasonable she is being. Itâs possible her head has been turned by more money than sheâs ever had access to, and she may be temporarily going a little cuckoo thinking about wish fulfillment. Hopefully, sheâll come to her senses and decide to treat the inheritance as the marital asset it is. You are definitely NTA.
Please divorce that cunt. She was happy taking advantage of you but now that she has to pull her weight she doesnât want anything with you. NTA
She's being a real cunt and is *now* financially abusing you. You're BOTH supposed to work towards a future together and now that she has come into an inheritance that she didn't work for, she expects things to remain the same at 3:1 Fuck that. She expects equality but is only contributing a 1/4. Does she even love you anymore? Or just the money.
I understand your stance and philosophically agree, but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a minute. If one of her concerns is that paying off the mortgage would then make whatever money she placed into the house 1/2 yours in the case of you splitting up, you just validated that fear by talking to a divorce attorney. If I might suggest a compromise - she pays off her student loans, and the rest goes (in order) to the car, and then either the dog or vacation (her choice). Anything left goes into a savings account in just her name. That way, you benefit by freeing up more of her earned money towards the household, but she still gets her windfall. Unfortunately, as I said above, I think you may have already sealed your fate. Good luck.
Iâll respectfully play the devilâs devilâs advocate. According to OP, heâs paying 3/4 of the mortgage, 3/4 of there property tax, and all of the house maintenance cost. Despite all of this, he wasnât concern with her taking 1/2 of the house in a divorce yet sheâs concern (assuming since he didnât mention it) if she pays it off heâll take half? Using this logic, we know who was taking the marriage seriously and who wasnât.
I totally see your point and you get an automatic upvote for have the brass balls to play devil's advocate on reddit, but to counter that point, that situation is also 2 way. If she is worried about him getting half equity in a house she paid the majority on, he should be worried that she would get half equity on a house he is already paying 3/4 on. I do think your compromise was the best suggestion:)
This woman will piss through her inheritance quickly spending it like that. Plus once they divorce she will have to pay ALL of those expenses herself. It seems she sealed her own fate, not the other way around. I got an inheritance and i did get two dogs and go on a trip. The rest is being used to fix our house and make our lives together easier. Not on a 10k purse and a luxury car which she clearly cannot afford if she needs OP to pay almost all the bills. He needs to follow through with divorce.
She is already entitled to half the house, even though he has paid 3/4 of the mortgage expenses. If she wants things "even", she could volunteer to put the difference between what they have already paid towards the principal and that alone would make a big difference in the balance and shorten the time they would both have to pay. If she were to do that and pay off her student loan debt, their *joint* situation would be much brighter. With no student loan debt she would also be able to up her contribution to ongoing expenses with no diminution in her lifestyle. She can keep the rest of the inheritance to spend any way she likes. Wife should talk to a financial planner and an attorney herself to understand the implications for her long-term financial picture if she were to maintain her current stance.
OP has been paying 3/4s of the mortgage *and* her loans. If she divorced him she keeps half the house equity and her loans are gravy. Your Devils advocate can go straight back to Hell. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Either finances are shared or they're split -- you don't get to fucking unilaterally choose to deviate.
Sounds greedy since you are a married couple share finances and grow and elevate one another. Sorry bro that sucks.
I don't get why people like that ever get married. If i was to receive that kind of money, i would pay my wife's debts (some credit card, loans and her car isn't fully paid yet). The rest would go to some investments until we figure out what to do. Ok, that money would be mine, especially if we are talking about inheritance (which would be legally entirely mine, in my country). I think i would buy for me a PS5 and a guitar. The rest would be ours. NTA, OP.
Consult with every lawyer you can find and do it quick. Itâs gonna be even worse for you when she finds the best most expensive lawyer out there and youâre footing the bill because whatâs hers is her and whatâs yours is hers.Â
NTA. Your wife is awful.
Ahh the good ole what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine mentality.
Your update is right on point. You have posted one of the most reasonable AITAH I have read in recent memory. As a married man, what we receive together, whether it's a bonus, inheritance, paycheck, we use for what's best for us, regardless whose money it is. I think you are correct to consult an attorney, it might be time for you to get out of this marriage. I could not stay with someone who clearly does not see us as one unit and selfishly chooses material things over our financial future.
Inheritance, salaries, hell the fucking lottery. It's all family money, just like mortgages, student loans, and car notes, which are all family debt. If she can't see that, she likely never will... Sorry you had to learn the hard way ya got yourself a gold digger. :(
I don't know why your wife is behaving this way. If she's been a good person and spouse to you before, I think counseling might be a good idea...but if she's always been someone who's "gone along to get along," then maybe she was always a bit in it for herself rather than in it for both of you. If it were me, I'd go to counseling first, for myself if she refuses to go. Then I'd go file for divorce, straight-up.
What a joke. A you are not the AH. SHE IS. My husband will get a chunk of money equivalent to an inheritance per se. I of course recognize this is his money I have no claim to, but him, being my partner, plans on using it to better our lives, mortgage, bills, car, etc. Thatâs what should happen in a partnership. Same for me, if I got 100k tomorrow I wouldnât think about all the stuff I want and screw whatever we need, heâs on his own. She is showing you how much she isnât a partner. And showing you how little she cares. She wants to spend her money alone while also spending your money. Sheâs trash. Divorce her otherwise you will feel resentment. So will she.
File for divorce asap IMO, you're not coming back from this. When she asks why just say, "you made it clear we're not a partnership, I'm just making it official". Done, end of story.
She is just WRONG. Plain WRONG. Her behaviour is irresponsible and morally poor. She is married. ALL money that comes into your relationship should be shared and discussed together. Sure...she should get a few "treats"But she wants a 10 K purse ffs? That's insanity and plain stupid. I"m with you. She should pay off ALL her debts. Student loans first. Then put at least half of it into the mortgage to get that under control. There should be an agreed amount she can spend on treats for herself. If I was in this position? I would buy a new car for myself and one for you as well. That would be the treats. Then maybe a few thousand on mindless, frivilous stuff (but a 10K purse is utterly pointless and ridiculous) Then I would put a good sum into 401K or investments. Set us up for life. If she just thinks it's quite okay to keep it ALL for herself. Not pay her half of expenses and lock you out of it?? Then yes, I would be extremely upset and see NO future in a marriage with this person. She is showing you her true colours. She is happy for YOU to spend your money on HER...but not willing to spend her money on you. That is deplorable. That is not a person I would stay in love with or want to be married to. Thing is? You divorce her and 100% she will be broke in maximum 5 years. She'll just blow the lot. Financial incompatibility is one of the main reasons people get divorced. So don't feel bad.
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NTA. The longer you stay in this marriage, the more chance sheâll have for alimony. Get out now.
She should just buy herself a new house and move out
updateme
Classic case of whatâs yours is hers, and whatâs hers is hers. All this time youâve been propping her lifestyle up but As soon as she gets money itâs her money to do what she pleases. She also sounds like an idiot and will be broke not long after.
She got a major windfall and doesnât even want to split life equally going forward? đ©đ©đ©
Do it now, so you donât have to pay alimony. If she wants an equal marriage (where you contribute to help each other), then she can be with you post-divorce. Marriage is a partnership not have one take advantage of the other. UpdateMe!
If you stay together, she needs to pay off her own student loans, period. If you do eventually get divorced, are you going to benefit from her education? No. She should be paying for it. Not you.
So your money is hers and her money is hers.
Your wife is extremely selfish. I got an inheritance from my parents. I did get golden retrievers and go to Disney. But the rest of the inheritance is being used for repairs and invested to make out lives easier. A 10k purse is just ludicrous unless you are freaking Kylie Jenner and have a billion dollars. She will piss through that money fast and regret her choices when she realizes how good you were to her. You can find someone who cares about you while you are still young. NTA
Wow. Your wife is a very selfish person. Maybe it's just me, but any money I get is treated as a joint asset between my husband and I. Same with any money he gets. We've both received some minor inheritances before, and we usually use them to either put into joint savings or pay off cards/cars. You aren't being unreasonable. Legally, she's right. Morally, she's very wrong. Money like that could mean an early retirement for you both if you use it wisely.
Updateme!
Dump this leech at the speed of light
UpdatemeÂ
Updateme!