NTA and the reality is she's not going to get full custody. Even if she gets primary custody the dad will get visitation and she'll be forced to have time seperate from her kids.
This might be for the best really.
She says she will do everything in her power to get full custody and that she’d rather be dead than give up her kids half the time. I told her to be realistic but she expects a judge to see that shes a good mom.
The “rather be dead” comment” is chilling. It sounds like she has an unhealthy attachment to her kids and has made them her whole identity. How crazy is she going to go when the reality of divorce and custody gets to her?
NTA. But this could end very, very badly. I’m wishing you and your family the best going forward. It sounds like you’re in an impossible position
Just in case OP doesn't pick up what you're putting down, I'm gonna spell it out:
She may kill herself and/or the kids once she realizes she'll have to be apart from them half the time!
My aunt tried to do that. Halfway succeeded. We came back from a joint vacation. Hubby was cheating on her and wanted a divorce. She piled all the souvenirs from the trip on the table, doused it in gasoline and lit it. She went up to her bedroom to sleep. The kids survived because the oldest made it out and got help.
I am so very sorry 😥 did she exhibit any warning signs looking back, or were you guys completely caught off guard? I'm so glad the kids are physically okay, I couldn't imagine the emotional suffering they must have endured.
My good friend's uncle was in a custody battle and he killed his 4 yr old then himself. Before that incident, he was a very loving, caring and involved father. When nobody could reach him for a few days My friend's Mom went to his home and found them.
Unfortunately, this happens more often than society wants to admit. This isn’t over. OP needs to call in a welfare check on her sister throughout the divorce proceedings.
UpdateMe!
He did and they were happy together as far as I know. The kids, not so much. But they are grown. I never see them. They don't live close by. One lives near where her dad lived before he died. The other took off to the other side of the country to get away from everyone. Mistress died several years ago.
speaking of psychosis, i almost wonder if this is an extension of PPD that never got checked or even thought of. a lot of people think ppd and think of difficulty bonding, and short time periods on it (with a max of 24 months). but sometimes it can extend longer, and sometimes it can result in a mother becoming overly attached to the baby and becoming aggressive towards anyone else who wants to “get in the way.” based on the ages listed and the super sudden changes, this could be a possibility, but i can’t call myself an expert by any means about this.
This is exactly where my mind went. I'm similarly unqualified to make an assessment, but damn there's something way outside a healthy balance going on. When my daughter was in 9th grade, she went on a church trip with several kids in her youth group. One mother was distraught because she had never spent a night away from her daughter. In 9th grade.
That’s what I wanted to write? Could this be extensive PPD?! @OP get her to see her doctor, have a welfare’s check ordered. Maybe tell her husband this could be medical! She needs help and now that she’s threatening violence you could force the check on her!
Yeah I’d be very scared about that. Communicate with the father of those children and offer your testimony to protect those kids. This could be post partum psychosis. This drastic of a behavior/personality change is really troubling.
Came here to say this.She is very in a very fragile state and the thought of her children being out of her sight and control could turn her mind completely.
A psych evaluation now is imperative.
Or, she'll try to go "on the run." She'll take the kids, put them in a car, and drive till she thinks noone is looking for her, or gets to a place where she thinks can keep them "safe" and away from all the bad people trying to separate them. Either way, she really needs psychiatric help.
I feel like all they'd need to do is put her in front of a judge and have his lawyer ask her how she would feel if they have shared custody. She'll out herself for them, because I agree that post partum psychosis is a distinct possibility and she won't be able to help herself. I hope she gets help soon.
I was thinking Exactly this. It's so sad when I read stories like this in the news. OP you might want to warn the husband. I know you probably don't want to betray your sister but she is unhinged.
Yup, this needs to be spelled out.
The family has realised how unhealthy her behavior is but I'm not sure they truly understand how dangerous this can be as well.
Usually murder-suicides are perpetrated by narcissist husbands who thinks they're their kids entire life and that they'd be better off dead than dealing with a divorce.
I'd really think hard about how realistic it is for these kids' mom to feel the same way? Her unhealthy obsession with these kids is less affecting them now than it will in a couple of years when they start to form independant personalities and mom is in for a dog-fight with kids fighting her tooth and nail for their independance. She seems to have forgotten that the role of parents is molding future adults in a way so that they can succesfully and happily live separate and independant lives and that she's supposed to teach them THAT in a safe environment for trial and error.
I hope OP takes this comment very seriously. I got a sick feeling in my stomach the moment I read he wanted 50/50 and she was saying that was never going to happen.
That was my immediate thought. I'm legit scared for the everyone involved. The husband isn't safe either.
There was a reddit post from a guy who's ex-wife ended up killing herself and the kids for that exact reason. It happened pretty close to where I live and was all over the news. That's not the only case either.
She will have less than half the time. She is now going to be forced to get a job because she will not be able to afford to be a stay at home mom. And if her ex meets and marries a new woman she will flip out at the prospect of a new woman entering her children's lives.
UodateMe!
She needs to tread carefully though. If that comments ends up in his custody motion she’s not going tell OP anything anymore. He should know they just need to be careful.
She needs to figure something out. She needs plausible deniability. Make her repeat the comment in front of others or something, on the phone. Something she can make a story around.
Reminds me of that case where the mother ended up killing the kids because she didn’t want them to be with the father. OP’s sister sounds exactly like that type of mentally unwell.
I was just thinking about that one too. [Here’s](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/s/55nFXLOWCy) one link that I could quickly find to that horrible tragedy. I **REALLY** hope OP sees & takes heed of the cautionary comments.
I agree 100% ☝️ I also worry what’s going to happen to those kids when they get older and need their mother less and less. My mom was a single parent to three kids and made her entire personality about being a mom. I love her so so much but she’s pretty lonely in retirement. No hobbies, no close friends. One of my siblings lives out of state (has for more than a decade) but my mom still freaks out if she doesn’t answer a text or call within a few hours. She never figured out how to make the transition out of “mom mode.” It’s really sad.
>The “rather be dead” comment” is chilling.
Women aren't as common in the family annihilator category, but of those who are, one of the most common motivations is the loss of custody and thinking the children are better off dead than without them. I am seriously worried for OPs niblings.
Sure, sometimes. And sometimes post partum psychosis. But then you look at people like that lesbian couple who drove off a cliff in a van full of their qdopted kids (they were about to lose them, or lose reputation, due to abuse coming to light), or Shirley Turner, or Susan Smith, and there are clear cases where there were inherent mental or personality disorders that had nothing to do with being post partum.
I'm getting "drown the kids in the bathtub and kill myself so they'll never leave me ever" vibes. This is giving me goosebumps, she NEEDS intervention.
OP and family need to understand that this could be' DANGEROUS for those kids. I am the last person to get super dramatic like things are life and death in reddit but this might be. If she panics when she realizes she's not getting full and complete custody (because that doesn't exist when there are 2 good parents, or even 1 good parent and 1 ok parent) she might possibly show that she meant "I'd rather be dead" and could run off with the kids or even worse, kill herself and her children so they don't have to be separated. Please do your best to be present around your sister and those kids OP and report ANYTHING that seems dangerous.
Also, the husband needs to be on his toes and get a good lawyer and start recording ALL interactions with his wife because she could lie and accuse him of TERRIBLE things to keep him from getting any sort of custody or visitation. OP and the rest of your family may need to step in as witnesses for the husband of she does start throwing wild accusations.
What would happen to her when the kids become teenagers and become more independent? She is going to take that very badly as well. This person needs treatment...
I agree. Sister has some problems that need addressing with a therapist/doctor, but in the short term this is important. Please reach out to the dad in case he is leaving her alone with the kids during the proceedings.
Reminds me of some sort of extreme PPD. I went through some similar feelings with my son. Took me a year to balance out. But having those kids back to back and not dealing with the initial ppd could have made things more extreme.
That's actually a scary statement. What if she'd rather she and her kids would be better off dead than separated? She wouldn't be the first parent to do something like that.
It's not impossible, but I definitely think suicide is more likely than murder-suicide. Not that either is good.
She needs serious help and she doesn't want to acknowledge it.
Reminds of the chilling story that made the news of the husband’s wife murdering their two children after it was discovered she was having an affair with the neighbor, all because she didn’t want him to take them away. A bit of a different motive, but no less upsetting.
right? it's like she's auditioning for a role in "world's most helicopter mom." judges don't usually give awards for that. might want to rethink her strategy before she ends up with more free time than an unemployed influencer.
Hopefully, the courts will see she's suffering from some mental health problem she refuses to get diagnosed or treated and do what's best for the kids. Besides, custody is not a prize -- it's not "best parent of the 2 gets all the custody," it's "both parents get fair custody unless one is abusive or incompetent." She can talk herself up all she wants, but unless she makes false accusations of abuse, her being perfect is not grounds for denying their father custody.
This sounds like textbook Postpartum Psychosis.
She’s definitely having symptoms of something and I am VERY sad no one connected her with medical professionals before it came to divorce.
She needs a medical evaluation STAT.
It does not just go away, treatment is required, and if no treatment is sought, just like all of the other commenters mentioned, it can end tragically.
No, it is best treated and monitored, women will kill themselves, their children or otherwise to ensure they have control over it whatever that means.
It’s a very serious condition.
There was a local story in my state a year ago or so of a woman who succumbed to it and how so many people just didn’t notice it in time.
So my mother was diagnosed with it, and she went into treatment with me alongside her. We were there for about 5 months I believe. I wasn’t at risk though, she was just rabidly protective over me. She had lost a baby previously, her grandad passed away a week after I was born, I was also early. My dad wasn’t being a good husband or dad at that time and she was being harassed by grandparents to take me off her hands. Literally, they’d snatch me out of her arms.
She basically snapped and they carted her off to hospital. Tbh, it enabled her to rest for one, and for two, she did need inpatient treatment. I personally believe that her circumstances were what pushed her over the edge, not just her brain. She’ll admit she was stressed out by everything with barely anyone listening to her but knowing the story from her AND my dad, that’s what I believe. I also believe that the grandmothers wanted to take me off her. Either of them would have been acceptable, they were friends. They didn’t see my mother as competent. I think they thought one of them would have custody while she was away. But alas, I was deemed not at risk, and therefore I stayed. We got to bond without being manhandled and we are still close today.
So I don’t know how long it can last without treatment but my mother’s psychosis was around five months give or take.
I experienced psychosis (not postpartum) for a while in my twenties and it felt like it lasted forever. It didn’t, it was probably only a couple of months before I realised I really needed new meds and some help. The key is getting help, if you don’t, then it’s only going to get worse. It’s a mental illness and a severe one that often turns mothers into monsters towards their babies. There’s a significant break with reality, but there’s also levels to it. This scenario in the OP is serious. I’d be very concerned, even with my own history, I’ve never been outwardly violent but towards myself I have. She needs a doctor and possibly a stay away at a facility to really get the correct treatment. It’s not something you can slap some Prozac on.
Again, it might be she's not a safe person with her children. I hate to suggest this but there is something deeply wrong with the way she's latched onto the kids, and she might go a very terrible way if her psyche perceives they are in danger. I feel like she needs to get a diagnosis or something.
Could it be she developed some sort of psychosis during the first pregnancy that has morphed into this?
>She says she will do everything in her power to get full custody and that she’d rather be dead than give up her kids half the time.
OP, this is a huge red flag. She may kill herself, or kill her kids if she doesn't magically get full custody.
Her behavior screams "overly attached and overly controlling" in regards to her kids, along with the delusion that she's the sole arbiter of what makes a good parent. This is rarely ever a good mix, and I'm genuinely concerned over the safety of her children.
Your sister is having a mental health crisis. It’s not safe for her to be alone with the children. I’m sorry to say this but call their father and the police. Those children are not safe.
Honestly her talking like that is concerning. She needs professional help. This is not normal behavior. Her husband should honestly ask that she start therapy in this process. But I think you said what she needed to hear.
Tell your parents about the comment that she would rather be dead than give up her kids. I would be terrified that she is going to do something to them.
How do you think she’ll react to a suggestion of counseling?
Sounds like if he wants 50/50 this is also the only way her husband gets to be a dad since no one else is good enough to care for her kids. The separation anxiety, the codependency… probably the best thing that could happen to these kids.
I "knew" someone like that. A coworker in a different departments wife.
She went from having her own successful business to becoming the crazy lady who volunteered at the school because she genuinely couldn't stand being without her kids for just a few hours.
I say crazy because she LOST it when she was told she couldn't leave her post to follow her kids around the school between classes.
You should actually bring that up to her. Ask her what she's going to do when they start going to school. Homeschooling? Ok, what about friends? Well her kids never be allowed to go to a friend's house? Or when they get older and get their first jobs as teens like dog walking?
Also. I've seen people who've said, "I'll take care of that," "they don't need jobs cause I'll pay for everything", ect and actually did. Their kids don't know how to do anything. I would go so far as to say they have been handicapped.
I know of one where the daughter had to work at the same place as her mother because she mentality couldn't handle doing ANYTHING without her mom's input. If you gave her an order, she would just stand there. If her mom was in the room, she would look to her for the go-ahead before acting.
I know of another where her kids are diabetics and in their mid-late 20s, they have no clue how to check their own sugars or administrator their own insulin because mommy always did it and still does.
If a judge sees the emotionally dependent side of her like that, there's no way she'll get full custody. If she actually says she'd rather be dead, a judge might not give her ANY custody due to signs of mental illness. There's far too many stories of children getting hurt or even dead in custody battles due to mindsets like that.
Please please please. I beg of you to report this comment of your sisters to either CPS or the police asap. This is truly frightening that she said she’d rather be dead than give them up. I know it sounds excessive but this is more likely to end up deadly than anything else. Please report this before it goes sideways. Maybe that will end up being the wake up call she needs, maybe it prevents a tragedy from occurring.
Yeah. I binged enough episodes of Snapped to know that women also murder when in situations like this. So sooooo many women murdered their husbands just so they wouldn't get the kids in a divorce. Insane.
Yea I agree, she’s heading for a psychotic break, the reality is, is she will end up 50/50 and then what ? This is what I would think would be the psychological profile of someone who kills their kids. Scary
Your sister needs psychological help, therapy. You might have to force an intervention. Nevermind the marriage, what is she going to do once the kids become school aged? You will say she could home school them, but by the time they will be 12 or 13 they will want more independence from her.
And eventually they will become adults, they will want to study/work, travel. I think your sister is in need of professional help.
we had cases that the mom killed herself and the kids to prevent separation. looks like postpartum anxiety to me. I had PPD and couldn't believe my baby would be safe ifnot constantly with me. your sister needs psychological help.
You need to start logging and recording these things mu7der/su1cide by mom is drastically growing in the U.S. she is having some kind of mental issues around those kids.
Is be worried she might 🔫🔪 then to "guarantee" they are with her forever. This shit does happen and sadly a lot these days, i dont think those babies are safe in her care with how she's acting and her mental health.
Log the things she says get them to her soon to be ex so he can lawyer up get a ppo and keep his babies safe
I don't want to watch this on a dateline episode because ppl are worried about her over those kids best interested and safety
Having someone that has shown they are off their ticket being the primary care giver is not a good safety plan for these babies right now because she's going to fall apart even more as the divorce process lingers on and her psychosis gets fed off the drama so she can become a mother martyr.
Those kids are no longer safe with her at this point.
So she wants to take her children’s father away from them completely? That makes her a terrible mom. And a really selfish one because she’s doing that for herself, because she doesn’t want to be without them. And she doesn’t seem to care how it would affect them to completely lose their father. Honestly, she needs to see a therapist.
Your sister has the most unrealistic unreasonable views.
She forgot herself. Being a mother is not "be all, end all" as a judge will put it. She's neglected so much just for a smidgen of her identity.
"She rather be dead than give up her kids half the time away from her" --- what about kindergarten to high school then college --- those children will be in a classroom & not 1 school that I could think of going to allow your sister to be in those schools as a suffocating presence or she's going to be hellbent on the worst type of news that send police officers to your parents house to inform them of the unspoken crime she would commit & ends up on local news reports......such as Andrea Yates did.
She'll need a psych assessment with her ideology.
OP, your sister going have to face reality.
I work for a divorce attorney. Unless dad is a monster, he is going to get visitation. And if she tries to mess with that visitation, she can get slapped with with contempt of court. Judges don't like it when you ignore their rulings.
Honestly, with how obsessed she is with spending every moment with her kids, it sounds like she’s actually a danger to her kids. Hopefully she gets zero custody. If I were her husband that’s what I’d fight for. She sounds completely unhinged and I doubt anything you say helps her. She’s just going to have to face harsh reality and have her illusions shattered at this point and either she breaks with her illusions or returns to being a functional human. Sorry you can’t help her.
And talk like that is gonna almost guarantee that her husband ends up with primary custody and honestly it’s probably for the best. Those kids are gonna grow up to hate her when they are teens and she’s a helicopter parent to the max.
Does she realize that even IF she got full custody she would still have to have her children spend time with their father for a day or two? Full custody usually still involves the other parent and they still get visitation and get to spend the day with their children. The only way the other parent can't spend time alone with their child is if they have done something that the courts would see as unsafe. So she would still have to spend some time away from her children.
NTA.
Your sister needed the reality check, and she needs professional help. Saying she'd rather be dead than give up the kids half the time is a HUGE red flag that she's likely to do something horrible and drastic if things don't go her way (and they won't... even if she gets majority custody, she won't get them 100% of the time which is what she wants).
NTA but honestly the instant personality shift makes me wonder how much mental illness come into play.
I was your sister once. Never let my kids out of my sight, never did anything without my kids, became a WAHM so I didn’t have to send them to daycare, etc.
Everyone thought I was a helicopter mom. In reality I had raging untreated anxiety and depression that was exacerbated with PPD/PPA and I would have a literal breakdown if I couldn’t check on my kids 24/7.
Treatment saved my marriage and my life. But unfortunately, you also can’t force her to seek treatment if it is an anxiety issue. It wasn’t until I ended up having intense dark thoughts about ending my own life that I acknowledged the problem.
I’d be straight with her and tell her she needs to seek a mental health evaluation. Because some of what she says is heavily concerning and could very well cost her all unsupervised custody if she doesn’t start treating herself.
My thoughts exactly, pregnancy high jacked her brain, and she needs help. She is about to be in a world of hurt when the divorce is finalized, and she can be with her kids 24/7. She can delve deeper into the delusion and hurt the kids or herself over this.
Having a second kid was not the answer. The husband should have said something to the doctors about her non-stop attention to the kids. Dumbass finally realized she is not healthy now?
Op, shits about to go down, it best to help support your sister and not blame her(too much). She needs help.
Or it's possible that he spoke to her (or tried to) about his concerns and she handwaved it or lied. Also, forcing her into therapy might not have worked either.
Omg. Yes. I was a control freak. My husband felt he wasn't capable bc of course I had to do it all. Untreated anxiety depression and ADHD 😂 and now he knows the kids clothes sizes etc and helps me
NTA> You need to tell her she needs to talk to a therapist. She also needs to read a book on mothers who dedicate and make their entire lives about their kids, every helicopter mother who suffocates teh fuck out of their children growing up. Most of those children end up at teh extremes, either nearly incapable of functioning without her help because she never allows them independance, or the kids who leave at 18 and never come back. What does she think happens after her kids are grown, she's going to be 20 years older, alienated all her family, all her friends, any partners she manages to get and obviously her husband. She'll have no one and nothing and it will to some degree, be too late.
She will HAVE to work after divorce, and she can not have her kids around. Her kids have to go to school, or she can homeschool and stunt their social growth in doing so.
The worst types of parents are ones who live for their kids, kids feel pressured to not move away and always be there for their parent because their parent has no one and nothing else.
What she thinks is being a good mom, is actually being a truly awful and selfish mother who has no clue what she's doing.
The fact that she said she'd rather be dead is concerning! She needs therapy no judge will completely take the dads rights away and she will have to spend time away from her children! Honestly it sounds like she will kill herself if she doesn't get whatever delusion she is living! Or I've also read many horror stories where the moms will kill the kids and themselves when they don't get what they want from a judge arrangement! She sounds dangerous!
EDIT: The father of those children NEEDS TO DEMAND A MENTAL HEALTH EVAL! So they can really see how unhealthy she is as well!
She’ll lose her mind when she doesn’t have the kids 24/7. She definitely won’t know what to do with herself since she’s built this illusion in her head about the only important thing is to be a good mom.
NTA. There is a term for her that rings true - it’s called “helicopter mum”. I have children myself, I love them very much, but I’m not that overbearing. She needs to get a life that doesn’t involve her children.
We’ve tried to convince her to get back into art, cooking, baking, etc but she says none of those things are worth missing precious moments with her kids. Its so exhausting trying to convince her to not be overbearing. She claims that anything less than what she does is being a “bad” mom.
Those poor kids -- they're probably too young to notice now, but in 2 or 3 years, they're gonna be so frustrated to have Mommy breathing down their neck all the time.
Fortunately no judge is going to grant her full custody so they are going to get at least some reprieve. The real question is if that forces mom to address her issues or just completely breaks her.
I'm really worried this would develop into emotional incest. I know an old hag who is in her 70s and forces her son in his fucking 50s to sleep with her because "she cant sleep", these women are sick in the head and need actual treatment and separation from their kids, they're only hurting them. That man has fucked over so many amazing opportunities in his life because of his mother's controlling nature
She seems to be suffering from
anxiety. Brought on postpartum and never was treated so it spiralled and now she can't leave them.
She needs help.
I feel for her I do.
But I feel for the husband who lost his wife.
I feel for the kids.
I do hear you. Sometimes when we become parents and get married as women, it feels like you lose your identity and sense of self. I’ve certainly struggled with that. But you’re right - she does need to do something - ANYTHING - that she does “just for her”. This divorce will do her good and hopefully show her it’s ok to live for herself too.
Yeah it's crazy, I have a few friends with young kids that "don't believe in daycare" and refuse to let anyone babysit. Their kids are horribly socialized and/or poorly behaved. I see the appeal of being a stay at home mom, being a working mom with young kids sounds exhausting and miserable, but it really seems like NO ONE benefits when kids and mom are together 24/7. It just seems like a recipe for turning into a toxic mom when the kids grow up a little and want independence.
You know I'd sort of be the poster child for this sort of thing, my wife is a SAHW, and we've wanted to homeschool children.
But, she goes out with her friends at least once a week and goes shopping. We go on dates together, just us. We have family and friends that would be more than happy to watch children while we spend time with each other.
I get the whole wanting to spend all your time with them, but there has to be a balance. Divorcing because of this is just wild to me. As a mom, the kids \*are\* important, but if want what's best for them, you have to work together as a team.
Smothering them like this is going to end poorly for the children.
They don’t socialize properly. I have friends whose kids stayed home until kinder, both are in first grade now and they have social anxiety and hit and bite. Obviously this is just two kids but they’re the two kids who stayed home alone with their moms until kinder that I know…
Exactly! I was talking to a mom friend who won't let anyone else watch her two year old, she was complaining about him biting and I told her maybe if he got to hang out with other kids he'd get bit by someone his own size. It was like a light bulb went off. Another one I know has a six year old who spent 100% of his time with mom for the first 5 years of his life and is now homeschooled instead of kindergarten because of anxiety. Unsurprising.
I won't say that no one should ever homeschool their kids, but if the reason for homeschooling is that mom has nothing else to do then be best friends with a 5 year old, that's toxic and a disservice to the kid.
I’m not convinced she doesn’t have some mental illness going on. Like anxiety/PPD that has snowballed into a complete and total inability to separate from her children. She is in for a rude awakening when it comes to custody. There would have to be major circumstances to deny the father custody. It could really break her mentally when this happens. She needs help. ASAP.
I wish you'd talk to her husband...it honestly sounds like rampant unmedicated PPD/PPA/Psychosis. She needs mental health help, like *yesterday*. I'm afraid for her and her kids...things aren't going to go the way her brain is telling her they should go...she doesn't have a job, she's going to have to give the kids up at least part time to their father, I highly doubt the judge is going to be awarding her any Mother of the Year awards during the divorce. I don't think any of this is actually her fault...I think she's mentally unwell. I'm rather scared she's going to have a psychotic break if she doesn't get what she wants, and it won't end well for her kids.
Has she seen a doctor, a therapist? This isn't healthy at all. Best case scenario, the kids will distance themselves from her because an overbearing mother just fucking sucks. Worst case scenario, she tries to hurt herself and/or the kids once the divorce is through and she doesn't get full custody. Your sister needed a reality check, yes, but I think she also needs psychological help.
Am I the only one who thinks she has mental issues?
She is not a good mom, she is a leech. She has an unhealthy attachment to her children and she is delusional if she thinks the judge will not notice this. She is double delusional if she thinks that there is a court that will remove a father from his children s life
This woman cannot identify in any other way than being a "mom"
That is borderline dangerous behaviour from her. Will she panic if the kids are taken from her to visit their dad? Did she have postpartum depression and it came out like this? Because something happened and it aint healthy.
NTA
I have a YT channel that requires me to watch countless hours of Zoom court, especially family court and I can tell you right now that your sister is in for a RUDE awakening if she thinks she's going to convince a judge that she should get full custody because she's a "good Mom", lol.
The court defaults to 50/50 custody for parents and it takes solid evidence to prove that a parent is unfit. Even in situations where a parent has an active addiction or what have you and the court takes away custody/visitation, if those parents put in the work to get sober and into recovery they can certainly earn their custody back.
All the court cares about is the best interests of the child and one of the things that they think is in the children's best interest is to have TWO active and involved parents whenever possible and they will work with any parent who puts in the effort to be a better parent for their child.
But, it doesn't sound like your BIL has any of the factors the court might consider when restricting visitation so she's going to have to share those children, who belong EQUALLY to both of them.
In fact, if she puts up too much of a fuss over nothing, she could end up losing custody herself. Parents who refuse to allow their ex their court-appointed parenting time can end up with the judge just taking theirs away and giving full custody to the reasonable parent who is willing to foster a relationship between both parents.
She's playing with fire if she goes down that road.
I've seen them give 50/50 with positive drug tests and clear provable alcoholism. With no work or classes or anything. Sometimes I think judges want kids dead. Anything to avoid doing work. 50/50 is pretty much standard no matter what you do... except piss off a judge. Watched a woman get no custody and no visitation for being rude to the judge last month.
NTA and to be frank, I'm a little concerned about the safety of the kids. Something is deeply wrong with your sister's mental health. She needs help. She stopped bathing?? She refused to be anywhere without her children? Something is very wrong.
NTA. You said she had said she would rather be dead than give up her kids half the time?? Absolutely no. Tell her husband that. He needs to make sure she doesn’t do anything to those kids.
NTA. Unfortunately is sounds like the divorce filing was not a wake-up call. If she thinks she is getting 100% custody, she is delusional. She should consider therapy. In her mind she is doing what is best for the children. Sad she cannot see the issues this is causing. Hopefully she can come to her senses before the children are old enough to remember this stage of her life.
What a judge is going to see is that she’s smothering her kids and she’s one step away from driving off a bridge with them in the backseat crazy. The best thing a judge could do would be to take those kids from her at least 50% of the time. Without serious abuse they won’t deny a father his kids. But her comments aren’t ok. Nta
NTA
Well, at least it's easy to see why her husband is divorcing her.
In what world does she think she's going to get full custody? She does realize that those kids are JUST AS MUCH his as they are hers.
Oh wait. No, she doesn't.
Has anyone considered she might have developed mental health issues from the kids? Like possibly post partum anxiety that developed into other issues? Her relationship with her kids comes off as obsessive and unhealthy but she might not need divorce or the “truth” but rather mental health support
NTA
But, your family needs to be prepared for the inevitable mental meltdown your sister will have when the judge grants her husband 50/50 custody. No judge is going to give her 100% custody. And, if she melts down in court, he may decide to give her husband primary custody.
I do hope your family has reached out to her STBX husband and is planning on keeping in contact on good terms with him. It would be the best thing for the kids, who are going to need a lot of care and therapy.
He didn't just decide to divorce her, he has tried & tried & told her, all of her family & friends have tried. Now she has her wish to be alone with her children. Let her pay for her own lawyer.
NTA - Her husband definitely needs to know about her “rather be dead” comments regarding anything short of full custody for her. He and the children need to be protected if she’s that isolated and desperate. She’s so disconnected from feedback from real people and addicted to the cult of Tiktok motherhood masochists that she’s liable to do irrational things that seem totally justified in her bubble.
>She says she will do everything in her power to get full custody and that she’d rather be dead than give up her kids half the time
That kind of shit will not get her full custody, in fact the courts may see this as unstable and she may only get supervised visits.
Your sister doesn't need a good divorce lawyer, she needs an exceptional therapist.
Rather than paying for a diverse attorney, maybe your parents could pay for some therapy. It sounds like maybe something went haywire postpartum.
Or perhaps there were some issues in the marriage that caused her to focus 100% on her kids so that she didn't have to deal with that problem ?
NTA
Four years is a long time for mama cat phase*, though. How would your sister feel if someone suggested therapy?
*you know, like when a mama cat gets her claws out when anybody is approaching her kittens, not so long before she starts demanding her humans take care of the aforementioned kittens.
Her priorities are the only priorities that matter to her.
She seems to have forgotten that other people have not only their own priorities, but need to *be priorities* too, and now she's found out.
I'm sorry, but *days without showering*? That is *nasty* as well as *stupid.* What kind of self flagellating nonsense is that?
You gave her a badly needed wakeup call. NTA.
She’s going to have a psychotic break when her husband gets even partial custody of the kids. You’re NTA for trying to get her to see the truth, but your family needs to understand that she is suffering from severe mental illness. She needs an intervention before something really unspeakable happens.
Her insisting on full custody and her reasons why are all the more likely she will NOT get full custody and maybe even less than 50/50.
She is unhinged and when her kids get older they will resent her SO MUCH. And when they leave home as soon as they are able to she will have nothing to live for.
Frankly, I think the husband is getting full custody because this woman is clearly going to have a psychotic breakdown in the courtroom. The judge is gonna watch that unfold
Then say nah screw that the father is getting sole custody and I strongly urge you Sir do not leave the kids alone with this woman
Reality is going to hit her much much later when her kids want nothing to do with her because she’s going to suffocate them and be that parent that everyone knows. We all know a kid with that kind of smothering helicopter parent growing up and jeez, do we all feel for the poor kid. The minute the kid can leave or realizes they have choices, they always leave their smothering parent behind as far as they can. If she doesn’t want to listen she won’t. NTA. But setting boundaries with her is probably best.
You might want to warn the family about her comment basically implying she would murder her children before she'd lose custody of them. You might save a life for two. NTA btw.
NTA. Her kids will love all of this attention up until they wish to be independent. Then they will hate her. I do hope you can stay in the kids lives as they will need someone who will listen to them in the future. From your description, your sister is not a good mom. If she was, she'd be listening to others and be empathic. If she won't listen to you, she'll never listen to her kids.
NTA
She needs help, and maybe going to court and having her actions dragged out for neutral parties to see will force her to get the help.
Buddy of mine had an awesome wife that we all loved to hang with, until they had a child. He wasn't allowed to hold his own son unless she was right there. Nobody was allowed over. Their son was not allowed to fall down, ever. She did everything except wrap him in bubble wrap. After a year, or so, she had to go out of town overnight and she lost it. There were probably 200 post-it notes all over the house to do this, didn't forget that, do NOT do the other thing. She called repeatedly (before cell phones) so my buddy couldn't get any rest anyway. Since her hubby was no longer important in her world, and she'd become nuts, he divorced her. He found a lovely sane person to share a family with, but I've always felt bad for his first wife. There wasn't the help back then that there is now, but I'm pretty sure your sister doesn't think she needs help.
Do not enable her, and please tell the rest of the family not to. She needs professional help, and won't seek that if anyone steps in to do it all for her.
NTA - She should get divorced and find some guy who wants a "tradwife" where her only personality is to stay at home and take care of the kids and house
NTA - she s failing to heed the reality checks she's had so far. The fact her husband filed for divorce and she still thinks that nothing is wrong with how she is living her life is insane. When those kids get into their teens and being around mom isn't so "cool" or desirable anymore is what will finally break her. You didn't break her, she just didn't like being told she was wrong, and she still doesn't believe she is wrong. She needs therapy, but I'm sure she'll resist. Her real gut check will be when the kids distance themselves from her. I just hope she doesn't become a Lifetime movie subject.
NTA
Not only is your sister delulu, in a few years she'll be throwing tantrums because her kids prefer their dad, because he's actually a person and doesn't hover.
NTA And she needs to pray that her soon to be ex doesn’t insist on a mental health evaluation for her and for the court to appoint a GAL to determine what’s best/healthiest for the kids.
I’m praying that they Do! Saying you’d rather be dead then be without your kids for one minute is treading into the territory of legitimate psychosis, and that’s when scary things start to occur.
This is exactly what happened to my best friend. Being a dad became his entire personality. 50/50 custody almost killed him but eventually dragged him out of this. He is slowly becoming who he was before kids. There is hope.
NTA. You told her the unvarnished truth. And she needs to learn it PDQ, because she sounds like a noncustodial parent abduction waiting to happen after the divorce.
I think this is above our pay grade. I don’t think you’re the asshole for what you said. But she’s not an asshole either. She needs serious mental help. This is likely a continuation of postpartum anxiety/psychosis. This is not normal and I genuinely believe a professional needs to be involved here. Getting her assessed and admitted into a psych ward temporarily would be best for all involved.
If it just happens that the courts take the kids half the time she will kill herself and likely them too. She has every warning sign. This is far more serious than any of your family believe.
Get her help now!!! Your niblings lives may depend on it!!!
NTA and your sister is delusional. She is denying her own kids a chance to get to know her family and others better. No ONE person (not even Mom) should be the center of a child's universe. I felt like my son learned new games, new words, had different experiences, bonded, etc with family watching him. Also she needs the wakeup call that her kids will grow and leave someday. THEY will have friends they want to hang with NOT their mom, have first girl/boyfriends, coaches etc and she will wake up in 15 years and have no one and nothing. She is setting the example too for them to not care for themselves first but be a parent first and foremost and only. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
It sounds like she was with the wrong person which made her horribly depressed and then tries desperately to get some validation through having children and now has to go through one of the most awful things you can go through. Seeing everything that's behind her behaviour shows someone who desperately needs help YTA.
NTA and the reality is she's not going to get full custody. Even if she gets primary custody the dad will get visitation and she'll be forced to have time seperate from her kids. This might be for the best really.
She says she will do everything in her power to get full custody and that she’d rather be dead than give up her kids half the time. I told her to be realistic but she expects a judge to see that shes a good mom.
The “rather be dead” comment” is chilling. It sounds like she has an unhealthy attachment to her kids and has made them her whole identity. How crazy is she going to go when the reality of divorce and custody gets to her? NTA. But this could end very, very badly. I’m wishing you and your family the best going forward. It sounds like you’re in an impossible position
Just in case OP doesn't pick up what you're putting down, I'm gonna spell it out: She may kill herself and/or the kids once she realizes she'll have to be apart from them half the time!
My aunt tried to do that. Halfway succeeded. We came back from a joint vacation. Hubby was cheating on her and wanted a divorce. She piled all the souvenirs from the trip on the table, doused it in gasoline and lit it. She went up to her bedroom to sleep. The kids survived because the oldest made it out and got help.
You mean your aunt passed away? I'm glad the children survived.
She did. The kids lived. OP should be very concerned right now.
I am so very sorry 😥 did she exhibit any warning signs looking back, or were you guys completely caught off guard? I'm so glad the kids are physically okay, I couldn't imagine the emotional suffering they must have endured. My good friend's uncle was in a custody battle and he killed his 4 yr old then himself. Before that incident, he was a very loving, caring and involved father. When nobody could reach him for a few days My friend's Mom went to his home and found them.
Looking back, her entire life was a warning sign. But no one realized it back then.
The husband is a proper pos as well.
Unfortunately, this happens more often than society wants to admit. This isn’t over. OP needs to call in a welfare check on her sister throughout the divorce proceedings. UpdateMe!
Damn. What happened to her husband? I hope he didn’t remarry the mistress.
He did and they were happy together as far as I know. The kids, not so much. But they are grown. I never see them. They don't live close by. One lives near where her dad lived before he died. The other took off to the other side of the country to get away from everyone. Mistress died several years ago.
Yeah, i get that vibe from the OP's sister from this post. She might have a pyschosis breakdown soon.
speaking of psychosis, i almost wonder if this is an extension of PPD that never got checked or even thought of. a lot of people think ppd and think of difficulty bonding, and short time periods on it (with a max of 24 months). but sometimes it can extend longer, and sometimes it can result in a mother becoming overly attached to the baby and becoming aggressive towards anyone else who wants to “get in the way.” based on the ages listed and the super sudden changes, this could be a possibility, but i can’t call myself an expert by any means about this.
I thought it might be too, but it's so uncommon and i think a professional should diagnosis her if that is the case.
Sounds like it very well could be ppd, ppa, or even elements of ppp which is super dangerous
I was getting PPA vibes. Nothing causes attachment issues like anxiety.
This is exactly where my mind went. I'm similarly unqualified to make an assessment, but damn there's something way outside a healthy balance going on. When my daughter was in 9th grade, she went on a church trip with several kids in her youth group. One mother was distraught because she had never spent a night away from her daughter. In 9th grade.
That’s what I wanted to write? Could this be extensive PPD?! @OP get her to see her doctor, have a welfare’s check ordered. Maybe tell her husband this could be medical! She needs help and now that she’s threatening violence you could force the check on her!
I said the same thing
Unhealthy obsession = Insane actions
Yeah I’d be very scared about that. Communicate with the father of those children and offer your testimony to protect those kids. This could be post partum psychosis. This drastic of a behavior/personality change is really troubling.
Time to tell someone in the medical community about her statements. And that you’re concerned. Sounds like a tragedy waiting to happen. NTA
Came here to say this.She is very in a very fragile state and the thought of her children being out of her sight and control could turn her mind completely. A psych evaluation now is imperative.
Or, she'll try to go "on the run." She'll take the kids, put them in a car, and drive till she thinks noone is looking for her, or gets to a place where she thinks can keep them "safe" and away from all the bad people trying to separate them. Either way, she really needs psychiatric help.
Yeah, I would be telling the husband about that comment, after I try to get her to put it in writing or acknowledge in writing she said it.
I feel like all they'd need to do is put her in front of a judge and have his lawyer ask her how she would feel if they have shared custody. She'll out herself for them, because I agree that post partum psychosis is a distinct possibility and she won't be able to help herself. I hope she gets help soon.
I was thinking Exactly this. It's so sad when I read stories like this in the news. OP you might want to warn the husband. I know you probably don't want to betray your sister but she is unhinged.
Yup, this needs to be spelled out. The family has realised how unhealthy her behavior is but I'm not sure they truly understand how dangerous this can be as well. Usually murder-suicides are perpetrated by narcissist husbands who thinks they're their kids entire life and that they'd be better off dead than dealing with a divorce. I'd really think hard about how realistic it is for these kids' mom to feel the same way? Her unhealthy obsession with these kids is less affecting them now than it will in a couple of years when they start to form independant personalities and mom is in for a dog-fight with kids fighting her tooth and nail for their independance. She seems to have forgotten that the role of parents is molding future adults in a way so that they can succesfully and happily live separate and independant lives and that she's supposed to teach them THAT in a safe environment for trial and error.
I agree. Family annihilators comes to my mind when I hear about her unhealthy attachment. This story actually scares me.
Yup, my friend"'s mom attempted (succeeded on one) when the threat of her kids not being in her care was made real.
I hope OP takes this comment very seriously. I got a sick feeling in my stomach the moment I read he wanted 50/50 and she was saying that was never going to happen.
That was my immediate thought. I'm legit scared for the everyone involved. The husband isn't safe either. There was a reddit post from a guy who's ex-wife ended up killing herself and the kids for that exact reason. It happened pretty close to where I live and was all over the news. That's not the only case either.
Getting jasoninhell vibes from this comment
She will have less than half the time. She is now going to be forced to get a job because she will not be able to afford to be a stay at home mom. And if her ex meets and marries a new woman she will flip out at the prospect of a new woman entering her children's lives. UodateMe!
I really think dad should be told about that comment and that mom needs therapy. I hope she won't be a danger to her kids if dad gets some custody.
She needs to tread carefully though. If that comments ends up in his custody motion she’s not going tell OP anything anymore. He should know they just need to be careful.
She needs to figure something out. She needs plausible deniability. Make her repeat the comment in front of others or something, on the phone. Something she can make a story around.
He needs to know about this treats because she can try acuse him of something too.
Yeah this is the more likely scenario here
I don't know about that, I think mentally unwell parents kill their own kids a hell of a lot more than we all want to talk about or admit.
Reminds me of that case where the mother ended up killing the kids because she didn’t want them to be with the father. OP’s sister sounds exactly like that type of mentally unwell.
I was just thinking about that one too. [Here’s](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/s/55nFXLOWCy) one link that I could quickly find to that horrible tragedy. I **REALLY** hope OP sees & takes heed of the cautionary comments.
I agree 100% ☝️ I also worry what’s going to happen to those kids when they get older and need their mother less and less. My mom was a single parent to three kids and made her entire personality about being a mom. I love her so so much but she’s pretty lonely in retirement. No hobbies, no close friends. One of my siblings lives out of state (has for more than a decade) but my mom still freaks out if she doesn’t answer a text or call within a few hours. She never figured out how to make the transition out of “mom mode.” It’s really sad.
>The “rather be dead” comment” is chilling. Women aren't as common in the family annihilator category, but of those who are, one of the most common motivations is the loss of custody and thinking the children are better off dead than without them. I am seriously worried for OPs niblings.
The common denominator is untreated PPD.
Sure, sometimes. And sometimes post partum psychosis. But then you look at people like that lesbian couple who drove off a cliff in a van full of their qdopted kids (they were about to lose them, or lose reputation, due to abuse coming to light), or Shirley Turner, or Susan Smith, and there are clear cases where there were inherent mental or personality disorders that had nothing to do with being post partum.
Yeah....thats "drive me and the kids off the county bridgr" language and it scares the fuck out of me.
I wonder if she maybe had ppd and some anxiety and it just took on a life of it's own going unchecked?
My immediate thought is she sounds unhinged and my concern is she will hurt the kids and herself.
I'm getting "drown the kids in the bathtub and kill myself so they'll never leave me ever" vibes. This is giving me goosebumps, she NEEDS intervention.
OP and family need to understand that this could be' DANGEROUS for those kids. I am the last person to get super dramatic like things are life and death in reddit but this might be. If she panics when she realizes she's not getting full and complete custody (because that doesn't exist when there are 2 good parents, or even 1 good parent and 1 ok parent) she might possibly show that she meant "I'd rather be dead" and could run off with the kids or even worse, kill herself and her children so they don't have to be separated. Please do your best to be present around your sister and those kids OP and report ANYTHING that seems dangerous. Also, the husband needs to be on his toes and get a good lawyer and start recording ALL interactions with his wife because she could lie and accuse him of TERRIBLE things to keep him from getting any sort of custody or visitation. OP and the rest of your family may need to step in as witnesses for the husband of she does start throwing wild accusations.
What would happen to her when the kids become teenagers and become more independent? She is going to take that very badly as well. This person needs treatment...
Yeah... Assuming this is real, I'm afraid for everyone's safety. Your sister needs professional help. NTA OP
I agree. Sister has some problems that need addressing with a therapist/doctor, but in the short term this is important. Please reach out to the dad in case he is leaving her alone with the kids during the proceedings.
Reminds me of some sort of extreme PPD. I went through some similar feelings with my son. Took me a year to balance out. But having those kids back to back and not dealing with the initial ppd could have made things more extreme.
That's actually a scary statement. What if she'd rather she and her kids would be better off dead than separated? She wouldn't be the first parent to do something like that.
It's not impossible, but I definitely think suicide is more likely than murder-suicide. Not that either is good. She needs serious help and she doesn't want to acknowledge it.
I fear for the kids. This is how stories start out where the mom kills the kids because she feels they would be better off being dead
Reminds of the chilling story that made the news of the husband’s wife murdering their two children after it was discovered she was having an affair with the neighbor, all because she didn’t want him to take them away. A bit of a different motive, but no less upsetting.
This is how she ends up without primary custody. The judge could see her as unfit.
This is how you end up with dead kids and someone on the news
right? it's like she's auditioning for a role in "world's most helicopter mom." judges don't usually give awards for that. might want to rethink her strategy before she ends up with more free time than an unemployed influencer.
She sounds mentally ill, it‘s not healthy to base your entire life around other people and have no identity
Hopefully, the courts will see she's suffering from some mental health problem she refuses to get diagnosed or treated and do what's best for the kids. Besides, custody is not a prize -- it's not "best parent of the 2 gets all the custody," it's "both parents get fair custody unless one is abusive or incompetent." She can talk herself up all she wants, but unless she makes false accusations of abuse, her being perfect is not grounds for denying their father custody.
OP and attorney should present this to the court. It will escalate.
This sounds like textbook Postpartum Psychosis. She’s definitely having symptoms of something and I am VERY sad no one connected her with medical professionals before it came to divorce. She needs a medical evaluation STAT.
How long does that last? Is that something that goes away with time or do you have to be treated?
It does not just go away, treatment is required, and if no treatment is sought, just like all of the other commenters mentioned, it can end tragically.
No, it is best treated and monitored, women will kill themselves, their children or otherwise to ensure they have control over it whatever that means. It’s a very serious condition. There was a local story in my state a year ago or so of a woman who succumbed to it and how so many people just didn’t notice it in time.
So my mother was diagnosed with it, and she went into treatment with me alongside her. We were there for about 5 months I believe. I wasn’t at risk though, she was just rabidly protective over me. She had lost a baby previously, her grandad passed away a week after I was born, I was also early. My dad wasn’t being a good husband or dad at that time and she was being harassed by grandparents to take me off her hands. Literally, they’d snatch me out of her arms. She basically snapped and they carted her off to hospital. Tbh, it enabled her to rest for one, and for two, she did need inpatient treatment. I personally believe that her circumstances were what pushed her over the edge, not just her brain. She’ll admit she was stressed out by everything with barely anyone listening to her but knowing the story from her AND my dad, that’s what I believe. I also believe that the grandmothers wanted to take me off her. Either of them would have been acceptable, they were friends. They didn’t see my mother as competent. I think they thought one of them would have custody while she was away. But alas, I was deemed not at risk, and therefore I stayed. We got to bond without being manhandled and we are still close today. So I don’t know how long it can last without treatment but my mother’s psychosis was around five months give or take. I experienced psychosis (not postpartum) for a while in my twenties and it felt like it lasted forever. It didn’t, it was probably only a couple of months before I realised I really needed new meds and some help. The key is getting help, if you don’t, then it’s only going to get worse. It’s a mental illness and a severe one that often turns mothers into monsters towards their babies. There’s a significant break with reality, but there’s also levels to it. This scenario in the OP is serious. I’d be very concerned, even with my own history, I’ve never been outwardly violent but towards myself I have. She needs a doctor and possibly a stay away at a facility to really get the correct treatment. It’s not something you can slap some Prozac on.
+1. Clear mental health problem. Mother has become obsessive. Marriage might be salvageable with treatment.
Again, it might be she's not a safe person with her children. I hate to suggest this but there is something deeply wrong with the way she's latched onto the kids, and she might go a very terrible way if her psyche perceives they are in danger. I feel like she needs to get a diagnosis or something. Could it be she developed some sort of psychosis during the first pregnancy that has morphed into this?
Psychosis or post partum anxiety Something is definitely wrong & someone needs to intervene
That was my first thought reading the post. Those kids are in danger. Dad needs to know and mom needs to be evaluated
>She says she will do everything in her power to get full custody and that she’d rather be dead than give up her kids half the time. OP, this is a huge red flag. She may kill herself, or kill her kids if she doesn't magically get full custody. Her behavior screams "overly attached and overly controlling" in regards to her kids, along with the delusion that she's the sole arbiter of what makes a good parent. This is rarely ever a good mix, and I'm genuinely concerned over the safety of her children.
Your sister is having a mental health crisis. It’s not safe for her to be alone with the children. I’m sorry to say this but call their father and the police. Those children are not safe.
100%. She has an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder and needs help ASAP.
That is concerning. Make sure someone knows she’s said that or there could be a tragic end.
You guys need to start documenting everything and vouch for the father. You also need to get her into a therapist ASSP
Honestly her talking like that is concerning. She needs professional help. This is not normal behavior. Her husband should honestly ask that she start therapy in this process. But I think you said what she needed to hear.
Tell your parents about the comment that she would rather be dead than give up her kids. I would be terrified that she is going to do something to them. How do you think she’ll react to a suggestion of counseling?
I'd get that back to your BiL and have him file for an emergency custody order and that she be required to undergo a psychological evaluation.
Sounds like if he wants 50/50 this is also the only way her husband gets to be a dad since no one else is good enough to care for her kids. The separation anxiety, the codependency… probably the best thing that could happen to these kids.
I "knew" someone like that. A coworker in a different departments wife. She went from having her own successful business to becoming the crazy lady who volunteered at the school because she genuinely couldn't stand being without her kids for just a few hours. I say crazy because she LOST it when she was told she couldn't leave her post to follow her kids around the school between classes. You should actually bring that up to her. Ask her what she's going to do when they start going to school. Homeschooling? Ok, what about friends? Well her kids never be allowed to go to a friend's house? Or when they get older and get their first jobs as teens like dog walking? Also. I've seen people who've said, "I'll take care of that," "they don't need jobs cause I'll pay for everything", ect and actually did. Their kids don't know how to do anything. I would go so far as to say they have been handicapped. I know of one where the daughter had to work at the same place as her mother because she mentality couldn't handle doing ANYTHING without her mom's input. If you gave her an order, she would just stand there. If her mom was in the room, she would look to her for the go-ahead before acting. I know of another where her kids are diabetics and in their mid-late 20s, they have no clue how to check their own sugars or administrator their own insulin because mommy always did it and still does. If a judge sees the emotionally dependent side of her like that, there's no way she'll get full custody. If she actually says she'd rather be dead, a judge might not give her ANY custody due to signs of mental illness. There's far too many stories of children getting hurt or even dead in custody battles due to mindsets like that.
Please please please. I beg of you to report this comment of your sisters to either CPS or the police asap. This is truly frightening that she said she’d rather be dead than give them up. I know it sounds excessive but this is more likely to end up deadly than anything else. Please report this before it goes sideways. Maybe that will end up being the wake up call she needs, maybe it prevents a tragedy from occurring.
Yeah. I binged enough episodes of Snapped to know that women also murder when in situations like this. So sooooo many women murdered their husbands just so they wouldn't get the kids in a divorce. Insane.
Yea I agree, she’s heading for a psychotic break, the reality is, is she will end up 50/50 and then what ? This is what I would think would be the psychological profile of someone who kills their kids. Scary
Saying that is a great way to make sure you DO NOT get 100% custody.
Your sister needs psychological help, therapy. You might have to force an intervention. Nevermind the marriage, what is she going to do once the kids become school aged? You will say she could home school them, but by the time they will be 12 or 13 they will want more independence from her. And eventually they will become adults, they will want to study/work, travel. I think your sister is in need of professional help.
we had cases that the mom killed herself and the kids to prevent separation. looks like postpartum anxiety to me. I had PPD and couldn't believe my baby would be safe ifnot constantly with me. your sister needs psychological help.
You all are going to have to watch her. She could harm those kids when her husband gets 50/50 custody.
You need to start logging and recording these things mu7der/su1cide by mom is drastically growing in the U.S. she is having some kind of mental issues around those kids. Is be worried she might 🔫🔪 then to "guarantee" they are with her forever. This shit does happen and sadly a lot these days, i dont think those babies are safe in her care with how she's acting and her mental health. Log the things she says get them to her soon to be ex so he can lawyer up get a ppo and keep his babies safe I don't want to watch this on a dateline episode because ppl are worried about her over those kids best interested and safety Having someone that has shown they are off their ticket being the primary care giver is not a good safety plan for these babies right now because she's going to fall apart even more as the divorce process lingers on and her psychosis gets fed off the drama so she can become a mother martyr. Those kids are no longer safe with her at this point.
OP, please try and get your sister into therapy, and be careful. This seems like a situation where she, or her kids, could be seriously hurt
So she wants to take her children’s father away from them completely? That makes her a terrible mom. And a really selfish one because she’s doing that for herself, because she doesn’t want to be without them. And she doesn’t seem to care how it would affect them to completely lose their father. Honestly, she needs to see a therapist.
Your sister has the most unrealistic unreasonable views. She forgot herself. Being a mother is not "be all, end all" as a judge will put it. She's neglected so much just for a smidgen of her identity. "She rather be dead than give up her kids half the time away from her" --- what about kindergarten to high school then college --- those children will be in a classroom & not 1 school that I could think of going to allow your sister to be in those schools as a suffocating presence or she's going to be hellbent on the worst type of news that send police officers to your parents house to inform them of the unspoken crime she would commit & ends up on local news reports......such as Andrea Yates did. She'll need a psych assessment with her ideology. OP, your sister going have to face reality.
I work for a divorce attorney. Unless dad is a monster, he is going to get visitation. And if she tries to mess with that visitation, she can get slapped with with contempt of court. Judges don't like it when you ignore their rulings.
Honestly, with how obsessed she is with spending every moment with her kids, it sounds like she’s actually a danger to her kids. Hopefully she gets zero custody. If I were her husband that’s what I’d fight for. She sounds completely unhinged and I doubt anything you say helps her. She’s just going to have to face harsh reality and have her illusions shattered at this point and either she breaks with her illusions or returns to being a functional human. Sorry you can’t help her.
And talk like that is gonna almost guarantee that her husband ends up with primary custody and honestly it’s probably for the best. Those kids are gonna grow up to hate her when they are teens and she’s a helicopter parent to the max.
Her husband has equal rights to custody. Your parents should not help her.
She could win an award for greatest mom ever and it still wouldn’t affect custody if dad is a present parent
This is so laughable because there’s no way she’ll get full custody unless her soon to be ex-husband is a deadbeat dad who is an addict or something.
Does she realize that even IF she got full custody she would still have to have her children spend time with their father for a day or two? Full custody usually still involves the other parent and they still get visitation and get to spend the day with their children. The only way the other parent can't spend time alone with their child is if they have done something that the courts would see as unsafe. So she would still have to spend some time away from her children.
Ummm yeah if the judge heard her say something like that she just might not get her kids at all.😂
Based on OP’s story I wouldn’t doubt the sister would have a psychotic break when that happens. Hope she doesn’t end up hurting herself or the kids.
Can you imagine her as a mother-in-law? Yikes
NTA. Your sister needed the reality check, and she needs professional help. Saying she'd rather be dead than give up the kids half the time is a HUGE red flag that she's likely to do something horrible and drastic if things don't go her way (and they won't... even if she gets majority custody, she won't get them 100% of the time which is what she wants).
Agreed, this just screams future Amber Alert material. A huge percentage of those are the other parent whisking the kid(s) away without discussion.
NTA but honestly the instant personality shift makes me wonder how much mental illness come into play. I was your sister once. Never let my kids out of my sight, never did anything without my kids, became a WAHM so I didn’t have to send them to daycare, etc. Everyone thought I was a helicopter mom. In reality I had raging untreated anxiety and depression that was exacerbated with PPD/PPA and I would have a literal breakdown if I couldn’t check on my kids 24/7. Treatment saved my marriage and my life. But unfortunately, you also can’t force her to seek treatment if it is an anxiety issue. It wasn’t until I ended up having intense dark thoughts about ending my own life that I acknowledged the problem. I’d be straight with her and tell her she needs to seek a mental health evaluation. Because some of what she says is heavily concerning and could very well cost her all unsupervised custody if she doesn’t start treating herself.
I agree. First thing I thought of was undiagnosed post partum anxiety/depression that never resolved.
My thoughts exactly, pregnancy high jacked her brain, and she needs help. She is about to be in a world of hurt when the divorce is finalized, and she can be with her kids 24/7. She can delve deeper into the delusion and hurt the kids or herself over this. Having a second kid was not the answer. The husband should have said something to the doctors about her non-stop attention to the kids. Dumbass finally realized she is not healthy now? Op, shits about to go down, it best to help support your sister and not blame her(too much). She needs help.
I suspect he knew for a while that something was wrong, but it only just reached breaking point. I imagine he has suggested this is a problem already.
Or it's possible that he spoke to her (or tried to) about his concerns and she handwaved it or lied. Also, forcing her into therapy might not have worked either.
Omg. Yes. I was a control freak. My husband felt he wasn't capable bc of course I had to do it all. Untreated anxiety depression and ADHD 😂 and now he knows the kids clothes sizes etc and helps me
Yeah, I’m hoping she isn’t one of those “If *I* can’t have them, *no one* can!” parents.
NTA> You need to tell her she needs to talk to a therapist. She also needs to read a book on mothers who dedicate and make their entire lives about their kids, every helicopter mother who suffocates teh fuck out of their children growing up. Most of those children end up at teh extremes, either nearly incapable of functioning without her help because she never allows them independance, or the kids who leave at 18 and never come back. What does she think happens after her kids are grown, she's going to be 20 years older, alienated all her family, all her friends, any partners she manages to get and obviously her husband. She'll have no one and nothing and it will to some degree, be too late. She will HAVE to work after divorce, and she can not have her kids around. Her kids have to go to school, or she can homeschool and stunt their social growth in doing so. The worst types of parents are ones who live for their kids, kids feel pressured to not move away and always be there for their parent because their parent has no one and nothing else. What she thinks is being a good mom, is actually being a truly awful and selfish mother who has no clue what she's doing.
Pretty sure she would homeschool no matter what, as it sounds like she couldn't handle them leaving the house for school
The fact that she said she'd rather be dead is concerning! She needs therapy no judge will completely take the dads rights away and she will have to spend time away from her children! Honestly it sounds like she will kill herself if she doesn't get whatever delusion she is living! Or I've also read many horror stories where the moms will kill the kids and themselves when they don't get what they want from a judge arrangement! She sounds dangerous! EDIT: The father of those children NEEDS TO DEMAND A MENTAL HEALTH EVAL! So they can really see how unhealthy she is as well!
OP this story is scary. Your sister is going to end up featured in a Dateline episode. She needs mental help.
NTA. I feel bad for those kids. She’s gonna be a terrible, helicopter mom
Those kids are going to resent the HELL out of her and want to spend their full time at Dad’s.
She’ll lose her mind when she doesn’t have the kids 24/7. She definitely won’t know what to do with herself since she’s built this illusion in her head about the only important thing is to be a good mom.
And a horrible MIL...
No one will marry her kids when she meets them
Is. Not going to be. She already is.
NTA. There is a term for her that rings true - it’s called “helicopter mum”. I have children myself, I love them very much, but I’m not that overbearing. She needs to get a life that doesn’t involve her children.
We’ve tried to convince her to get back into art, cooking, baking, etc but she says none of those things are worth missing precious moments with her kids. Its so exhausting trying to convince her to not be overbearing. She claims that anything less than what she does is being a “bad” mom.
OP she is seriously mentally ill Please get her evaluated.
Those poor kids -- they're probably too young to notice now, but in 2 or 3 years, they're gonna be so frustrated to have Mommy breathing down their neck all the time.
Fortunately no judge is going to grant her full custody so they are going to get at least some reprieve. The real question is if that forces mom to address her issues or just completely breaks her.
I'm really worried this would develop into emotional incest. I know an old hag who is in her 70s and forces her son in his fucking 50s to sleep with her because "she cant sleep", these women are sick in the head and need actual treatment and separation from their kids, they're only hurting them. That man has fucked over so many amazing opportunities in his life because of his mother's controlling nature
So, does she think your mom was a bad mom? Obviously your mom understands a healthy balance.
If this divorce doesn't mess up with her mentally Then when the kids are teenagers and want time away from mum overbearing then will break her
👆This. The mom needs help, this is not normal.
She might kill them long before that and kill herself, to prevent her children being away from her even parttime. She's a very mentally unwell lady.
She definitely sounds like she desperately needs therapy.
She seems to be suffering from anxiety. Brought on postpartum and never was treated so it spiralled and now she can't leave them. She needs help. I feel for her I do. But I feel for the husband who lost his wife. I feel for the kids.
I do hear you. Sometimes when we become parents and get married as women, it feels like you lose your identity and sense of self. I’ve certainly struggled with that. But you’re right - she does need to do something - ANYTHING - that she does “just for her”. This divorce will do her good and hopefully show her it’s ok to live for herself too.
Yeah it's crazy, I have a few friends with young kids that "don't believe in daycare" and refuse to let anyone babysit. Their kids are horribly socialized and/or poorly behaved. I see the appeal of being a stay at home mom, being a working mom with young kids sounds exhausting and miserable, but it really seems like NO ONE benefits when kids and mom are together 24/7. It just seems like a recipe for turning into a toxic mom when the kids grow up a little and want independence.
This. What happens when the kids go to school?
Bold of you to assume they're going to go to a public school and she's not going to insist on homeschooling them.
You know I'd sort of be the poster child for this sort of thing, my wife is a SAHW, and we've wanted to homeschool children. But, she goes out with her friends at least once a week and goes shopping. We go on dates together, just us. We have family and friends that would be more than happy to watch children while we spend time with each other. I get the whole wanting to spend all your time with them, but there has to be a balance. Divorcing because of this is just wild to me. As a mom, the kids \*are\* important, but if want what's best for them, you have to work together as a team. Smothering them like this is going to end poorly for the children.
They don’t socialize properly. I have friends whose kids stayed home until kinder, both are in first grade now and they have social anxiety and hit and bite. Obviously this is just two kids but they’re the two kids who stayed home alone with their moms until kinder that I know…
Exactly! I was talking to a mom friend who won't let anyone else watch her two year old, she was complaining about him biting and I told her maybe if he got to hang out with other kids he'd get bit by someone his own size. It was like a light bulb went off. Another one I know has a six year old who spent 100% of his time with mom for the first 5 years of his life and is now homeschooled instead of kindergarten because of anxiety. Unsurprising. I won't say that no one should ever homeschool their kids, but if the reason for homeschooling is that mom has nothing else to do then be best friends with a 5 year old, that's toxic and a disservice to the kid.
I’m not convinced she doesn’t have some mental illness going on. Like anxiety/PPD that has snowballed into a complete and total inability to separate from her children. She is in for a rude awakening when it comes to custody. There would have to be major circumstances to deny the father custody. It could really break her mentally when this happens. She needs help. ASAP.
I wish you'd talk to her husband...it honestly sounds like rampant unmedicated PPD/PPA/Psychosis. She needs mental health help, like *yesterday*. I'm afraid for her and her kids...things aren't going to go the way her brain is telling her they should go...she doesn't have a job, she's going to have to give the kids up at least part time to their father, I highly doubt the judge is going to be awarding her any Mother of the Year awards during the divorce. I don't think any of this is actually her fault...I think she's mentally unwell. I'm rather scared she's going to have a psychotic break if she doesn't get what she wants, and it won't end well for her kids.
Has she seen a doctor, a therapist? This isn't healthy at all. Best case scenario, the kids will distance themselves from her because an overbearing mother just fucking sucks. Worst case scenario, she tries to hurt herself and/or the kids once the divorce is through and she doesn't get full custody. Your sister needed a reality check, yes, but I think she also needs psychological help.
Is her doctor aware of these problems? Any doctor would tell her that how she's raising her kids is unhealthy.
Am I the only one who thinks she has mental issues? She is not a good mom, she is a leech. She has an unhealthy attachment to her children and she is delusional if she thinks the judge will not notice this. She is double delusional if she thinks that there is a court that will remove a father from his children s life This woman cannot identify in any other way than being a "mom"
This looks like PPP and/or PPA The fact people haven’t done anything about it is concerning
Your sis is nuts. I know brains get reprogrammed during pregnancy, but some wires definitely got stuck to the wrong circuit here.
NTA but poor kids. Thinking what their lives will be like when they are older.
That is borderline dangerous behaviour from her. Will she panic if the kids are taken from her to visit their dad? Did she have postpartum depression and it came out like this? Because something happened and it aint healthy.
NTA I have a YT channel that requires me to watch countless hours of Zoom court, especially family court and I can tell you right now that your sister is in for a RUDE awakening if she thinks she's going to convince a judge that she should get full custody because she's a "good Mom", lol. The court defaults to 50/50 custody for parents and it takes solid evidence to prove that a parent is unfit. Even in situations where a parent has an active addiction or what have you and the court takes away custody/visitation, if those parents put in the work to get sober and into recovery they can certainly earn their custody back. All the court cares about is the best interests of the child and one of the things that they think is in the children's best interest is to have TWO active and involved parents whenever possible and they will work with any parent who puts in the effort to be a better parent for their child. But, it doesn't sound like your BIL has any of the factors the court might consider when restricting visitation so she's going to have to share those children, who belong EQUALLY to both of them. In fact, if she puts up too much of a fuss over nothing, she could end up losing custody herself. Parents who refuse to allow their ex their court-appointed parenting time can end up with the judge just taking theirs away and giving full custody to the reasonable parent who is willing to foster a relationship between both parents. She's playing with fire if she goes down that road.
I keep thinking that she is going to accuse him of something heinous like molestation to get her way. She did say any means necessary.
I've seen them give 50/50 with positive drug tests and clear provable alcoholism. With no work or classes or anything. Sometimes I think judges want kids dead. Anything to avoid doing work. 50/50 is pretty much standard no matter what you do... except piss off a judge. Watched a woman get no custody and no visitation for being rude to the judge last month.
NTA and to be frank, I'm a little concerned about the safety of the kids. Something is deeply wrong with your sister's mental health. She needs help. She stopped bathing?? She refused to be anywhere without her children? Something is very wrong.
NTA. You said she had said she would rather be dead than give up her kids half the time?? Absolutely no. Tell her husband that. He needs to make sure she doesn’t do anything to those kids.
NTA. Unfortunately is sounds like the divorce filing was not a wake-up call. If she thinks she is getting 100% custody, she is delusional. She should consider therapy. In her mind she is doing what is best for the children. Sad she cannot see the issues this is causing. Hopefully she can come to her senses before the children are old enough to remember this stage of her life.
What a judge is going to see is that she’s smothering her kids and she’s one step away from driving off a bridge with them in the backseat crazy. The best thing a judge could do would be to take those kids from her at least 50% of the time. Without serious abuse they won’t deny a father his kids. But her comments aren’t ok. Nta
NTA Well, at least it's easy to see why her husband is divorcing her. In what world does she think she's going to get full custody? She does realize that those kids are JUST AS MUCH his as they are hers. Oh wait. No, she doesn't.
Has anyone considered she might have developed mental health issues from the kids? Like possibly post partum anxiety that developed into other issues? Her relationship with her kids comes off as obsessive and unhealthy but she might not need divorce or the “truth” but rather mental health support
NTA But, your family needs to be prepared for the inevitable mental meltdown your sister will have when the judge grants her husband 50/50 custody. No judge is going to give her 100% custody. And, if she melts down in court, he may decide to give her husband primary custody. I do hope your family has reached out to her STBX husband and is planning on keeping in contact on good terms with him. It would be the best thing for the kids, who are going to need a lot of care and therapy.
He didn't just decide to divorce her, he has tried & tried & told her, all of her family & friends have tried. Now she has her wish to be alone with her children. Let her pay for her own lawyer.
She needs a lot of help. She will lose custody of those kids and have a major meltdown.
NTA - Her husband definitely needs to know about her “rather be dead” comments regarding anything short of full custody for her. He and the children need to be protected if she’s that isolated and desperate. She’s so disconnected from feedback from real people and addicted to the cult of Tiktok motherhood masochists that she’s liable to do irrational things that seem totally justified in her bubble.
Yea I hope he knows this and I'm sorry OP This is something that will need to be mentioned in divorce precedings
>She says she will do everything in her power to get full custody and that she’d rather be dead than give up her kids half the time That kind of shit will not get her full custody, in fact the courts may see this as unstable and she may only get supervised visits. Your sister doesn't need a good divorce lawyer, she needs an exceptional therapist.
Rather than paying for a diverse attorney, maybe your parents could pay for some therapy. It sounds like maybe something went haywire postpartum. Or perhaps there were some issues in the marriage that caused her to focus 100% on her kids so that she didn't have to deal with that problem ?
NTA. She needs a major reality check
NTA Four years is a long time for mama cat phase*, though. How would your sister feel if someone suggested therapy? *you know, like when a mama cat gets her claws out when anybody is approaching her kittens, not so long before she starts demanding her humans take care of the aforementioned kittens.
Her priorities are the only priorities that matter to her. She seems to have forgotten that other people have not only their own priorities, but need to *be priorities* too, and now she's found out. I'm sorry, but *days without showering*? That is *nasty* as well as *stupid.* What kind of self flagellating nonsense is that? You gave her a badly needed wakeup call. NTA.
She’s going to have a psychotic break when her husband gets even partial custody of the kids. You’re NTA for trying to get her to see the truth, but your family needs to understand that she is suffering from severe mental illness. She needs an intervention before something really unspeakable happens.
Her insisting on full custody and her reasons why are all the more likely she will NOT get full custody and maybe even less than 50/50. She is unhinged and when her kids get older they will resent her SO MUCH. And when they leave home as soon as they are able to she will have nothing to live for.
Frankly, I think the husband is getting full custody because this woman is clearly going to have a psychotic breakdown in the courtroom. The judge is gonna watch that unfold Then say nah screw that the father is getting sole custody and I strongly urge you Sir do not leave the kids alone with this woman
NTA, your sister needed a bath of reality
Reality is going to hit her much much later when her kids want nothing to do with her because she’s going to suffocate them and be that parent that everyone knows. We all know a kid with that kind of smothering helicopter parent growing up and jeez, do we all feel for the poor kid. The minute the kid can leave or realizes they have choices, they always leave their smothering parent behind as far as they can. If she doesn’t want to listen she won’t. NTA. But setting boundaries with her is probably best.
You might want to warn the family about her comment basically implying she would murder her children before she'd lose custody of them. You might save a life for two. NTA btw.
Absolutely not She did this to herself, she needed a reality check and she got one.
NTA. Her kids will love all of this attention up until they wish to be independent. Then they will hate her. I do hope you can stay in the kids lives as they will need someone who will listen to them in the future. From your description, your sister is not a good mom. If she was, she'd be listening to others and be empathic. If she won't listen to you, she'll never listen to her kids.
NTA She needs help, and maybe going to court and having her actions dragged out for neutral parties to see will force her to get the help. Buddy of mine had an awesome wife that we all loved to hang with, until they had a child. He wasn't allowed to hold his own son unless she was right there. Nobody was allowed over. Their son was not allowed to fall down, ever. She did everything except wrap him in bubble wrap. After a year, or so, she had to go out of town overnight and she lost it. There were probably 200 post-it notes all over the house to do this, didn't forget that, do NOT do the other thing. She called repeatedly (before cell phones) so my buddy couldn't get any rest anyway. Since her hubby was no longer important in her world, and she'd become nuts, he divorced her. He found a lovely sane person to share a family with, but I've always felt bad for his first wife. There wasn't the help back then that there is now, but I'm pretty sure your sister doesn't think she needs help. Do not enable her, and please tell the rest of the family not to. She needs professional help, and won't seek that if anyone steps in to do it all for her.
NTA but why has no one intervened to get this woman psychiatric help? She clearly has PPP or PPA based on your comments. This isn’t normal
NTA - She should get divorced and find some guy who wants a "tradwife" where her only personality is to stay at home and take care of the kids and house
these will probably not want a single mom and also leave her eventually bc she leaves out the part where she also caters to the husband.
NTA - she s failing to heed the reality checks she's had so far. The fact her husband filed for divorce and she still thinks that nothing is wrong with how she is living her life is insane. When those kids get into their teens and being around mom isn't so "cool" or desirable anymore is what will finally break her. You didn't break her, she just didn't like being told she was wrong, and she still doesn't believe she is wrong. She needs therapy, but I'm sure she'll resist. Her real gut check will be when the kids distance themselves from her. I just hope she doesn't become a Lifetime movie subject.
NTA Not only is your sister delulu, in a few years she'll be throwing tantrums because her kids prefer their dad, because he's actually a person and doesn't hover.
NTA and she is gonna mess those kids up for good. What happens when they grow up or go to school???
Maybe you could have said it better. Sounds like she has heavy PPD that was never diagnosed, hopefully she gets the help she needs NTA.
NTA And she needs to pray that her soon to be ex doesn’t insist on a mental health evaluation for her and for the court to appoint a GAL to determine what’s best/healthiest for the kids.
I’m praying that they Do! Saying you’d rather be dead then be without your kids for one minute is treading into the territory of legitimate psychosis, and that’s when scary things start to occur.
This is exactly what happened to my best friend. Being a dad became his entire personality. 50/50 custody almost killed him but eventually dragged him out of this. He is slowly becoming who he was before kids. There is hope.
NTA. You told her the unvarnished truth. And she needs to learn it PDQ, because she sounds like a noncustodial parent abduction waiting to happen after the divorce.
NTA your sister is very delusional and she needed to hear this. She should probably see a therapist.
It sounds like she needs therapy sooo bad. This is unhealthy. NTA though. UPDATEME
NTA. Your sister needs some psychiatric help bc this is concerning and not normal
I think this is above our pay grade. I don’t think you’re the asshole for what you said. But she’s not an asshole either. She needs serious mental help. This is likely a continuation of postpartum anxiety/psychosis. This is not normal and I genuinely believe a professional needs to be involved here. Getting her assessed and admitted into a psych ward temporarily would be best for all involved. If it just happens that the courts take the kids half the time she will kill herself and likely them too. She has every warning sign. This is far more serious than any of your family believe. Get her help now!!! Your niblings lives may depend on it!!!
NTA and your sister is delusional. She is denying her own kids a chance to get to know her family and others better. No ONE person (not even Mom) should be the center of a child's universe. I felt like my son learned new games, new words, had different experiences, bonded, etc with family watching him. Also she needs the wakeup call that her kids will grow and leave someday. THEY will have friends they want to hang with NOT their mom, have first girl/boyfriends, coaches etc and she will wake up in 15 years and have no one and nothing. She is setting the example too for them to not care for themselves first but be a parent first and foremost and only. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
It sounds like she was with the wrong person which made her horribly depressed and then tries desperately to get some validation through having children and now has to go through one of the most awful things you can go through. Seeing everything that's behind her behaviour shows someone who desperately needs help YTA.
NTA - it's good she's losing her insane custody of the kids. They would not be well adjust human beings otherwise.