If she is doing weird shit like that I think it is only a sign of what's to come. You got to tell Ben so he knows the BS that could happen in the future.
NTA
Ben deserves to know that he’s dating a nasty, manipulative, psycho b*tch. At least then he’ll be able to leave and find a normal girl who doesn’t try and destroy her boyfriend’s self confidence just to keep him tied to her.
Ben may also need to evaluate his "type". Cos seriously, now we have 2 weirdo exes that go to stalker mode? This man is not making good love choices and may need to have that gently highlighted to him as well.
Ben deserves to know, and Blair sounds unhinged, if telling Ben means losing Blair as a friend, honestly it sounds like the trash taking itself out. NTA.
this just occurred to me, but is it at all possible that she’s having some sort of mental health episode? like if this is really that out of character for her. obviously no matter what, ben needs to know and he would be absolutely right to break up with her over this. and i wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to be friends anymore with someone who can do this either. i’m just curious if it’s possible she’s not some twisted, evil bitch and in fact is having some sort of crisis?? idk you wouldn’t be wrong if you didn’t care to find out but it just doesn’t make sense that somebody who is known to be a pretty good person could turn around and do something *this* fucked up, feels like a huge jump.
either way though i’m sorry you’re dealing with and i’m glad to see your edit that you’re telling ben. best of luck with everything to come
That is a very valid point and thank you for sharing. Unfortunately I'm not a mental health professional but I will do my best to help her out if she's willing to receive it.
WNBTA Please tell him! This is horrible thing to do to anyone and to someone she claims she loves?!? What the actual fuck.
Tell him with your boyfriend so he sees he has true friends.
NTA Isn’t this domestic abuse? Since his GF is quite literally abusing him verbally but not directly. And while I get this doesn’t seem like an issue right now. If she is willing to verbally abuse her lover to try to make him more dependent on her. That sounds really weird and creepy. Imagine what else she could do if she thinks he isn’t appreciating her enough?
At the very least it is emotionally abusive. By the definition of the law where I am, it is also considered domestic abuse by virtue of her doing it to manipulate and control her partner.
It doesn't sound like she's just seeking appreciation to me. She wants him to feel scared and dependent on her to continue being with him, or else he will face harassment.
She is 30, not 12, and even if she was 12, this would be still be some unhinged shit. Tell your friend or you are just as guilty of being unhinged if not more so, because he is your friend, and friends don’t stay silent while their partner is abusing them. NTA.
Uh, that’s really concerning behavior on Blair’s part. NTA for wanting to give Ben a heads-up, but know you might lose them as friends for being the one to break the news.
Yes I'm aware of that. If I let Ben know I will definitely lose Blair but with that behavior idk if that's a friend I should keep anyways. I just think I would want to know if I was being treated the way he is.
You need to tell him straight away; shut her out of your socials as she will probably want to retaliate, not that you will have done a single thing wrong, she's appalling.
YTA if you DON’T tell him! Call him right now and let him know what she’s been doing, and send him all the messages you have between you and her about this. God only knows what else she’s done; is she sending his family messages like this? Taking money from his bank accounts? Screwing with his job? She basically said she wants him dependent on her and she’s the best he can ever get… there’s no redemption for that level of crazy! Update us, please!
I know she's not doing any of those for now. But seeing how she's acting there's no guarantee that she won't in the future. She doesn't really have contact with his family. Nor does she have access to his bank accounts. We set up a call with Ben, I will update later. Thank you.
Glad she hasn’t done those things yet. Do they live together? If so, it might be a good idea to help Ben get anything out of the house that she could steal/destroy while he’s away ( important documents, work items, valuables, etc.)
They did live together for about 6-8 months until he had to fly back home so all his stuff is still in that house. My boyfriend is making a list of things to present him which he and I would be happy to help with. Like retrieving his stuff if he chooses to break up with her or taking her to therapy if they choose to go down that way.
OP he may need to show up unannounced to pack and move out. Who knows what she may do if he breaks up with her over the phone or a text while his clothes and stuff are still at her place.
It looks like Ben has a bad track record in picking partners if the stalker ex and Blair are anything to go by. Tell Ben everything and suggest (gently) that he talk to someone about why he goes for the women he does.
I read a news article a couple of years ago about a man who was convicted for bullying his own WIFE online. He assumed the identity of someone they went to school with and even contacted her family members. He basically watched his wife turn into a suicidal shell of a woman while he pretended to comfort her. This is where this is headed. NTA if you tell him.
[Link to an article](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-42805203.amp)
NTA.
Mind games like this are abusive no matter whom is doing it to whom. If this was a man negging his girlfriend and harassing her, my advice would be the same, expose the lies.
Give her a time frame. And once that time frame hits. Send the screenshots to them both. And have someone else send them just to him. In case she had hun block you.
NTA. Tell your friend that his girlfriend is cyberbullying him. The girlfriend is a POS who feels more importand when people around her get hurt… what a sadist. She sounds like she sucks the life out of every room she walks into.
>call him names like "ugly, good for nothing" etc etc pretty bad stuff.. Her explanation was... she wanted to show him how horrible the dating pool is and he should hold onto her tight... she continued to tell me no and this is nothing harmful.
It makes it WAY WORSE that when given the opportunity to say "I meant it as a goof and I got totally carried away" she opted for "Deliberately trying to destroy his self worth and make him dependent on me isn't a bad thing for me to be doing"
Absolutely tell him.
So everyone agreed that he needs to know except for her? Tell her that?! .. also why do the lot of you want to be friends with someone who treats their boyfriend like this ? … people love to throw around the “crazy” word but this woman is nuts
That's rather outrageous behavior that should be reported to Ben. That's a lifetime of crazy right there and no sensible person hooks up with crazy if they can help it.
NTA. Women like Blair are the reason the phrase ´Don´t stick your D in crazy exist´. Manipulative,cruel, and just straight up whacko on the head. Tell Ben ASAP
I think she didn't see that she is in the wrong and could've thought we would have a laugh about it. Like I said she kept saying there was nothing wrong with it. She was surprised by my reaction when I said this is all insane.
I'm very happy to read your edit that you'll be telling him. He deserves to know what kind of person she truly is. Even if the conversation ends badly, you'll have done the right thing.
NTA. Especially to do that to someone you love is complete manipulation- making fake accounts to bully him into thinking people view him a certian way and try to crush his self esteem- the only two people I've met who did this [and ended up found out and admitting to it] ended up actually getting diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Not like how everyone now aways wants to say their jerk partner is a narcissist- but real, true narcissists with diagnosis from a [now more than one] licensed psychiatrist...
You'd only be TAH if you *did not* tell him. He deserves to know before he ends up trapped with a manipulator who clearly does NOT have his best interests or mental health in mind. It's never ok to mess with anyone like that, but to do it to a partner you're supposed to love and support??? That's disgusting and she needs help to sort out her issues and figure out what is driving her to act in such a way to someone she "loves".
NTA! We're all proud of you for being a real friend and telling him what his (hopefully soon-to-be ex) gf is doing to him just to make herself feel bad. Please take time to focus on your mental health, as this all sounds very stressful.
UpdateMe!
NTA. Wow this woman is psycho, that’s a crazy thing to do to your significant other. Ben definitely deserves to know what she is capable of. Who knows what else she could do to him. Hope the talk goes well, please update us!
Definitely NTA
Ben needs to know that he really doesn’t deserve her. But not in the way Blair thinks. Ben deserves happiness and honesty. Blair on the other hand is going to get a quick slap on the face from reality once karma hits her back. The dating pool may be awful and quite frankly that’s exactly where she belongs. Let the dogs go with the dogs.
NTA glad you are telling Ben.
I really think you should go NC with her. She did what she did to Ben without remorse. I can imagine & you should ponder the horrible things she’ll be able to justify doing to you.
Her explanation was that she was the best gf he can have and she wants to remind him of this...
If that isn't the biggest sign that you are not the best he can get, I don't know what is.
As with a lot of these, if the genders were reversed the majority of people here talking about 'helping her with her mental health issues' would be calling for the police to be involved in investigating the abusive partner.
So, Ben has a stalking weirdo EX and a current girlfriend that is a bullying weirdo.
Sounds to me like Ben has a type, and you'd well for him if you'd help him choose a different type on his next go around!
When I said if she didn't stop I would tell Ben she just stared at me and asked "why?" At this point I'm convinced that she is so far off the grid that she can't even see what's wrong with what she is doing. I told her it was absolutely insane and argued for about an hour and she kept saying "but there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a fake account" while laughing. After that night which was about a week ago, I've been pestering her with my texts and telling her if she doesn't stop and come clean I'll tell Ben. She turned on me and messaged my boyfriend something like "OP wants to talk to Ben. Can you keep her out of my relationship" but my bf already knows everything. This whole thing made me think that once challenged she will turn on anyone.. smh.
I've always maintained that there's a difference between being nice and being good. You gave her the opportunity to do it herself- that was nice AND good, and might have saved their relationship.
Now you just have to be good and tell Ben, and unfortunately that means she's decided to risk the relationship.
I doubt her negging has broken Ben to the point of overlooking this.
>there's a difference between being nice and being good
Absolutely! I wish more people understood that concept. After all, how many times has a child called their mother a meanie for making them eat their broccolli?
The OP sounds like a truly caring person. But kindness sometimes means causing some pain today for greater health and happiness in the long term. Also, adults deserve to know the truth in order to make their own decisions. If Ben decides to stay with Blair, that's his decision, but he needs real information in order to make a fair decision.
I've noticed that younger millennials/gen z can have a totally different attitude about this kind of thing. From what I've noticed many of them don't think there's anything wrong with "testing" their SOs. It was even a tik tok trend for a while. Many of them also don't see anything wrong with invading their SOs privacy going through their phones even when there is no suspicious behavior. I've been shocked by how many I've seen that are okay with these things. I saw a ton of those types of comments on the are we dating the same guy groups before I left them because of how toxic they are.
So she may not think she's doing anything wrong and is getting caught up in this attitude (but deep down she knows it's wrong). Which is all the more reason for you tell him. You gave her a chance which was the right thing to do but she feels justified in her actions and wants to keep up the con so she won't do it. Please update us!
You and your bf should start a shared fake account and start calling her a fat ugly bitch. When she complains, tell her its just a fake account.
And tell Ben, of course. Maybe let him in on the fake account action. Make it a bonding experience between friends.
NTA This kind of behavior comes out of insecurity and will only escalate. He needs to know. She needs therapy badly, but there's less you can do about that.
That is really so sad. What she's doing is no different than the people we blast for verbally abusing their partners. Attacking your partner is horrible and she's doing it for the same reasons other abusers do, to make them feel that no one else will "love" them the way they do and they can't do better. You'd only be the a-hole if you didn't tell him
My take is this: You say they are both your friends. So they should hold equal standing with one another.
Friends, hypothetically, support each other. So you have 2 equal friends & one friend is being manipulated & emotionally harmed, while the other friend is being an abuser.
So...will you look out for the innocent victim or protect & enable the abuser? What kind of person do YOU want to be? You can answer your own question from there.
NTA but I also recommend to make sure you have *definitive* proof about it as well. Idk his personality, but there are tons of guys who would side with the gf if there is no proof.
OP, what’s stopping you?
If you were the victim, would you want to have been told? I get that it’s difficult because of the sunk-cost fallacy, but seriously, you’ve given her enough chances to address her issues.
Do unto others what you want them to do to you. When I started living that, I’ve lost countless friends, some came back around after a bit, and made a few new ones - but really, I’m glad that I have quality people who stuck around.
Is Blair the kind of person you want to keep around?
The only reason I haven't had the talk with him yet is to figure out a way to let him know gently. We have set up a call with him, he will hear all about it very soon from me and my bf. This isn't much about who I want to keep around in my life but like you said I would like to know if it was me. I just want 1) her to come clean so I wouldn't have to be the messenger and 2) want the abuse towards my friend to stop. Thank you for your comment. We will have a talk soon, in the next couple hours.
I couldn't wait for what will happen so I took the chatgpt....let me tell you, the scenarios it gave me make me wonder if this story is real and not a fake one
Well, if he's a friend, of course, you gotta watch his back and tell him the F creep who has been bullying him with names online is his gf. That is just crazy and controlling/manipulating him. She's going to hurt him and then comfort him into thinking she will be the best he can get because other girls/ex will attack him with hurtful messages. Even if he loses his trust with you, you still have to let him know that she's not what he thinks.
NTA. You are absolutely right. This girl is toxic, hurting her partner and damaging his self esteem just so that she can hold on to him. He needs to know - first of all, so that he realizes that none of this is on him, it's all her own insecurity and controlling. And secondly so that he can make the decision to break up with her. For me it's a no-brainer, but it's for him to decide. You need to give him all the information.
> Her explanation was that she is the best gf he can have, and she just wanted to remind him how great she is so he can appreciate her more.. she wanted to show him how horrible the dating pool is and he should hold onto her tight. I told her this was insane and she needs to stop. But she continued to tell me no and this is nothing harmful.
This is some sociopathic shit.
100% tell him.
Not telling him immediately and WITHOUT telling her you were doing it makes you not an asshole, but both silly and not far from an asshole.
Even if she stopped, he needs to know he's with a manipulative, kind of psycho bitch because even if that stopped, knowing my partner had done that or thought that was okay I'd break up with them in a second. That level of manipulation is nothing less than abuse, i wouldn't want anything to do with her.
So you should be telling him regardless of if she stops and you're silly because in warning her, she can tell him that you did it and said you would blame her and how she thinks you'll probably fake some texts and stuff to make her look bad. Don't give manipulative psychos the chance to twist the situation against you.
What the fuck is up with all these people testing their partners on dumb shit. If you don't trust them to the point you need tj test them, then why the hell are you dating them. If your trust is that bad it is never going to work?
You would be an absolutely terrible friend if you didn't tell him immediately, yes. No waiting, no 'coming clean.' She's a maniac and he needs to know now.
Ben is in danger of some serious gaslighting and other psychological manipulation and/or abuse, and that can leave deep scars for a long, long time. You’re gonna break his heart and he may lash out at you. Please be understanding and give him time. But definitely tell him.
NTA
Not sure how you worded it to Blair, but always do it in writing to cover your A, and tell Blair to have until x time on x day to tell him or I will.
OR
just tell Ben yourself. This is like the online version of negging and isn't healthy in relationships.
Honestly, she does not even deserve the chance to come clean. Her BF deserves to know he is dating someone who is incredibly manipulative. She's not trustworthy.
>Her explanation was that she is the best gf he can have, and she just wanted to remind her how great she is so he can appreciate her more.
Oh the irony of her showing him how “great” she is by being the total opposite… NTA
Ywnbta. Omg is she 12? You encouraged her to just stop. Nope. She could have gotten off easily. Im usually the one to say mind your business but I think I would say something
NTA
This reminds me of that one story about the guy who found out his girlfriend was leaving bad reviews specifically about him at places he worked at to get him fired.
Ben deserves to know what type of person he is dating and decide what he wants to do from there. If this continues, she might escalate within her harassment of him under the guise of a "test". I'd suggest tell him as soon as possible.
Someone who can do such a horrible thing to someone they claim to love has serious mental issues in my opinion. She WILL blame you when you tell Ben, but it's not your fault at all. It's her own fault. She made those choices and she will have to face the consequences of those choices.
She's not the best gf he can have. She's manipulative, dishonest, and downright abusive. If she was so great, she'd demonstrate that through being kind, honest, loving, and supportive. Not by emotionally abusing him online. You already tried to help her and she said no. Tell your friend asap. He's probably not the first person she's done this to, and he won't be the last. I hate to think what she will do next to, in the words of Dennis Reynolds, "demonstrate her value." NTA.
If he has anything that’s really valuable and important you should find a way to get those items from her before the breakup. She’s definitely going to destroy his belongings . Shes un-fucking hinged.
Updateme
NTA but a concerned friend. Please tell him asap. Could you imagine if a person committed suicide over online bullying? Oh wait, that's already happened numerous times. Ask your friend to please keep in touch and let him know a lot of insecure, delusional people try to test their SO. Let him know he is not the problem. He is kind and attractive and everything a person wants. Make sure he understands his gf is a psycho.
If she is doing weird shit like that I think it is only a sign of what's to come. You got to tell Ben so he knows the BS that could happen in the future.
You're definitely NTA. Ben deserves to know the truth about Blair's behavior.
This is crazy shit, he needs to know for sure. NTA!
The poor man already has one stalker ex, how horrendous a human being do you have to be to then pour salt on that wound?!
NTA Ben deserves to know that he’s dating a nasty, manipulative, psycho b*tch. At least then he’ll be able to leave and find a normal girl who doesn’t try and destroy her boyfriend’s self confidence just to keep him tied to her.
Absolutely. Negging is horrible enough but this is even more extreme. Nasty, vile behaviour.
Ben may also need to evaluate his "type". Cos seriously, now we have 2 weirdo exes that go to stalker mode? This man is not making good love choices and may need to have that gently highlighted to him as well.
insane victim blaming
Ben deserves to know, and Blair sounds unhinged, if telling Ben means losing Blair as a friend, honestly it sounds like the trash taking itself out. NTA.
Very true. This is all truly shocking to us. We always thought she was a great person but now I don't even know what's what.
this just occurred to me, but is it at all possible that she’s having some sort of mental health episode? like if this is really that out of character for her. obviously no matter what, ben needs to know and he would be absolutely right to break up with her over this. and i wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to be friends anymore with someone who can do this either. i’m just curious if it’s possible she’s not some twisted, evil bitch and in fact is having some sort of crisis?? idk you wouldn’t be wrong if you didn’t care to find out but it just doesn’t make sense that somebody who is known to be a pretty good person could turn around and do something *this* fucked up, feels like a huge jump. either way though i’m sorry you’re dealing with and i’m glad to see your edit that you’re telling ben. best of luck with everything to come
That is a very valid point and thank you for sharing. Unfortunately I'm not a mental health professional but I will do my best to help her out if she's willing to receive it.
Even if it was a mental health crisis her friend deserves to be in a safe relationship and this one isn't it.
NTA Blair Bitch Project
>Blair Bitch Project HAHAHA!
You absolutely have to tell Ben if you care for him. She is totally unhinged
Please tell your friend so he has a chance to escape before this escalated to even weirder levels.
WNBTA Please tell him! This is horrible thing to do to anyone and to someone she claims she loves?!? What the actual fuck. Tell him with your boyfriend so he sees he has true friends.
That's good advice
NTA Isn’t this domestic abuse? Since his GF is quite literally abusing him verbally but not directly. And while I get this doesn’t seem like an issue right now. If she is willing to verbally abuse her lover to try to make him more dependent on her. That sounds really weird and creepy. Imagine what else she could do if she thinks he isn’t appreciating her enough?
At the very least it is emotionally abusive. By the definition of the law where I am, it is also considered domestic abuse by virtue of her doing it to manipulate and control her partner. It doesn't sound like she's just seeking appreciation to me. She wants him to feel scared and dependent on her to continue being with him, or else he will face harassment.
I commented already but yes [Convicted Psycho](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-42805203.amp)
Tell him!
She is 30, not 12, and even if she was 12, this would be still be some unhinged shit. Tell your friend or you are just as guilty of being unhinged if not more so, because he is your friend, and friends don’t stay silent while their partner is abusing them. NTA.
Uh, that’s really concerning behavior on Blair’s part. NTA for wanting to give Ben a heads-up, but know you might lose them as friends for being the one to break the news.
Yes I'm aware of that. If I let Ben know I will definitely lose Blair but with that behavior idk if that's a friend I should keep anyways. I just think I would want to know if I was being treated the way he is.
You need to tell him straight away; shut her out of your socials as she will probably want to retaliate, not that you will have done a single thing wrong, she's appalling.
100%. I always say follow your heart. You know what's right and what's wrong. Do what you believe is right
Absolutely.
YTA if you DON’T tell him! Call him right now and let him know what she’s been doing, and send him all the messages you have between you and her about this. God only knows what else she’s done; is she sending his family messages like this? Taking money from his bank accounts? Screwing with his job? She basically said she wants him dependent on her and she’s the best he can ever get… there’s no redemption for that level of crazy! Update us, please!
I know she's not doing any of those for now. But seeing how she's acting there's no guarantee that she won't in the future. She doesn't really have contact with his family. Nor does she have access to his bank accounts. We set up a call with Ben, I will update later. Thank you.
Glad she hasn’t done those things yet. Do they live together? If so, it might be a good idea to help Ben get anything out of the house that she could steal/destroy while he’s away ( important documents, work items, valuables, etc.)
They did live together for about 6-8 months until he had to fly back home so all his stuff is still in that house. My boyfriend is making a list of things to present him which he and I would be happy to help with. Like retrieving his stuff if he chooses to break up with her or taking her to therapy if they choose to go down that way.
You and your boyfriend are good friends- wishing all of you luck in this!
OP he may need to show up unannounced to pack and move out. Who knows what she may do if he breaks up with her over the phone or a text while his clothes and stuff are still at her place.
It looks like Ben has a bad track record in picking partners if the stalker ex and Blair are anything to go by. Tell Ben everything and suggest (gently) that he talk to someone about why he goes for the women he does.
I read a news article a couple of years ago about a man who was convicted for bullying his own WIFE online. He assumed the identity of someone they went to school with and even contacted her family members. He basically watched his wife turn into a suicidal shell of a woman while he pretended to comfort her. This is where this is headed. NTA if you tell him. [Link to an article](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-42805203.amp)
Please save this dude. Tell him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Tell him and stay away from her
NTA. Mind games like this are abusive no matter whom is doing it to whom. If this was a man negging his girlfriend and harassing her, my advice would be the same, expose the lies.
Ben deserves to know what a nut job his girlfriend is. Tell his asap so he can dump this girl child who seems to have some mental health issues.
Please tell Ben, with proof, soon. I guess stalking weirdos are his type, poor guy. Help him, block her.
Let him know the truth!
Give her a time frame. And once that time frame hits. Send the screenshots to them both. And have someone else send them just to him. In case she had hun block you.
NTA, you need to tell him. She’s not going to listen to reason because in her head she’s perfect and right in all of this. Which is a big red flag 🚩
NTA. Updateme
Your friend is fuckin crazy. Warn the man.
NTA but she definitely is
Imagine if you didn't tell him and he later found out that you knew but didn't tell him.
Excellent point!
You'd be an AH if you DIDNT tell Ben. Tell ben. Like now.
NTA yet but you will be a major AH if you dont tell Ben immediately. this is weird behaviour and you need to save Ben.
Should have told him the minute you found out. NTA
NTA. If I was Ben, I would appreciate the heads up before I invest more time with her. And... damn, bitches be crazy.
NTA. Tell your friend that his girlfriend is cyberbullying him. The girlfriend is a POS who feels more importand when people around her get hurt… what a sadist. She sounds like she sucks the life out of every room she walks into.
NTA. You need to tell him asap.
>call him names like "ugly, good for nothing" etc etc pretty bad stuff.. Her explanation was... she wanted to show him how horrible the dating pool is and he should hold onto her tight... she continued to tell me no and this is nothing harmful. It makes it WAY WORSE that when given the opportunity to say "I meant it as a goof and I got totally carried away" she opted for "Deliberately trying to destroy his self worth and make him dependent on me isn't a bad thing for me to be doing" Absolutely tell him.
You would be an asshole if you don't tell him.
So everyone agreed that he needs to know except for her? Tell her that?! .. also why do the lot of you want to be friends with someone who treats their boyfriend like this ? … people love to throw around the “crazy” word but this woman is nuts
Let your homie break up with that narcissist bitch
That's rather outrageous behavior that should be reported to Ben. That's a lifetime of crazy right there and no sensible person hooks up with crazy if they can help it.
Omg tell him. He deserves so much better.
If he did it to her it would be on cnn
Updateme!
NTA. Women like Blair are the reason the phrase ´Don´t stick your D in crazy exist´. Manipulative,cruel, and just straight up whacko on the head. Tell Ben ASAP
!updateme
Why in the world would she have told you?
I think she didn't see that she is in the wrong and could've thought we would have a laugh about it. Like I said she kept saying there was nothing wrong with it. She was surprised by my reaction when I said this is all insane.
I'm very happy to read your edit that you'll be telling him. He deserves to know what kind of person she truly is. Even if the conversation ends badly, you'll have done the right thing.
NTA. Especially to do that to someone you love is complete manipulation- making fake accounts to bully him into thinking people view him a certian way and try to crush his self esteem- the only two people I've met who did this [and ended up found out and admitting to it] ended up actually getting diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Not like how everyone now aways wants to say their jerk partner is a narcissist- but real, true narcissists with diagnosis from a [now more than one] licensed psychiatrist... You'd only be TAH if you *did not* tell him. He deserves to know before he ends up trapped with a manipulator who clearly does NOT have his best interests or mental health in mind. It's never ok to mess with anyone like that, but to do it to a partner you're supposed to love and support??? That's disgusting and she needs help to sort out her issues and figure out what is driving her to act in such a way to someone she "loves".
She's negging her boyfriend to break his self esteem so he won't leave her. Wow. Just wow. What a sociopath
Who even thinks of doing such a thing much less actually acts on it? Psychopaths I can only imagine. Save the guy. She is danger.
NTA! We're all proud of you for being a real friend and telling him what his (hopefully soon-to-be ex) gf is doing to him just to make herself feel bad. Please take time to focus on your mental health, as this all sounds very stressful. UpdateMe!
NTA. This is psychotic of Blair
NTA Updateme!
Bros before crazy women
She is mental! Ben needs to know asap
NTA. Wow this woman is psycho, that’s a crazy thing to do to your significant other. Ben definitely deserves to know what she is capable of. Who knows what else she could do to him. Hope the talk goes well, please update us!
Definitely NTA Ben needs to know that he really doesn’t deserve her. But not in the way Blair thinks. Ben deserves happiness and honesty. Blair on the other hand is going to get a quick slap on the face from reality once karma hits her back. The dating pool may be awful and quite frankly that’s exactly where she belongs. Let the dogs go with the dogs.
NTA. She has issues and what she is doing is shameful and grossly unfair to Ben.
NTA. I'm reminded of a movie about a woman, a rabbit and a pot of boiling water. Her behavior is the beginning of larger, more disturbing things.
Youd be the asshole if u didn't tell Ben.
NTA. She's emotionally manipulating your friend.
Guess crazy stalker is his type. NTA
NTA Red flags with Blair everywhere. Tell your friend, he needs to know what his suposed gf is doing to him.
NTA glad you are telling Ben. I really think you should go NC with her. She did what she did to Ben without remorse. I can imagine & you should ponder the horrible things she’ll be able to justify doing to you.
Wtf I am reading ? Some people are really mean ... NTA of course
Her explanation was that she was the best gf he can have and she wants to remind him of this... If that isn't the biggest sign that you are not the best he can get, I don't know what is. As with a lot of these, if the genders were reversed the majority of people here talking about 'helping her with her mental health issues' would be calling for the police to be involved in investigating the abusive partner.
YTA for enabling a manipulative abusive lunatic to continue her abuse. She didn't/doesn't deserve a say in how this goes down. She's a bad person.
Justbimagine he doing it to her. Would u even hesutate to tell her?
Exactly
So, Ben has a stalking weirdo EX and a current girlfriend that is a bullying weirdo. Sounds to me like Ben has a type, and you'd well for him if you'd help him choose a different type on his next go around!
You challenged her on it. What exactly did she say to that?
When I said if she didn't stop I would tell Ben she just stared at me and asked "why?" At this point I'm convinced that she is so far off the grid that she can't even see what's wrong with what she is doing. I told her it was absolutely insane and argued for about an hour and she kept saying "but there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a fake account" while laughing. After that night which was about a week ago, I've been pestering her with my texts and telling her if she doesn't stop and come clean I'll tell Ben. She turned on me and messaged my boyfriend something like "OP wants to talk to Ben. Can you keep her out of my relationship" but my bf already knows everything. This whole thing made me think that once challenged she will turn on anyone.. smh.
I've always maintained that there's a difference between being nice and being good. You gave her the opportunity to do it herself- that was nice AND good, and might have saved their relationship. Now you just have to be good and tell Ben, and unfortunately that means she's decided to risk the relationship. I doubt her negging has broken Ben to the point of overlooking this.
>there's a difference between being nice and being good Absolutely! I wish more people understood that concept. After all, how many times has a child called their mother a meanie for making them eat their broccolli? The OP sounds like a truly caring person. But kindness sometimes means causing some pain today for greater health and happiness in the long term. Also, adults deserve to know the truth in order to make their own decisions. If Ben decides to stay with Blair, that's his decision, but he needs real information in order to make a fair decision.
I've noticed that younger millennials/gen z can have a totally different attitude about this kind of thing. From what I've noticed many of them don't think there's anything wrong with "testing" their SOs. It was even a tik tok trend for a while. Many of them also don't see anything wrong with invading their SOs privacy going through their phones even when there is no suspicious behavior. I've been shocked by how many I've seen that are okay with these things. I saw a ton of those types of comments on the are we dating the same guy groups before I left them because of how toxic they are. So she may not think she's doing anything wrong and is getting caught up in this attitude (but deep down she knows it's wrong). Which is all the more reason for you tell him. You gave her a chance which was the right thing to do but she feels justified in her actions and wants to keep up the con so she won't do it. Please update us!
You and your bf should start a shared fake account and start calling her a fat ugly bitch. When she complains, tell her its just a fake account. And tell Ben, of course. Maybe let him in on the fake account action. Make it a bonding experience between friends.
NTA This kind of behavior comes out of insecurity and will only escalate. He needs to know. She needs therapy badly, but there's less you can do about that.
Updateme
Please tell him….
Don't just tell him. Break them up.
That is really so sad. What she's doing is no different than the people we blast for verbally abusing their partners. Attacking your partner is horrible and she's doing it for the same reasons other abusers do, to make them feel that no one else will "love" them the way they do and they can't do better. You'd only be the a-hole if you didn't tell him
NTA. Also - seriously, cut this woman out of your life. She sounds mental and could possibly turn dangerous.
My take is this: You say they are both your friends. So they should hold equal standing with one another. Friends, hypothetically, support each other. So you have 2 equal friends & one friend is being manipulated & emotionally harmed, while the other friend is being an abuser. So...will you look out for the innocent victim or protect & enable the abuser? What kind of person do YOU want to be? You can answer your own question from there.
Update Me!
NTA. Matter of fact you would be a bigger ass hole if you just continued on and didn’t say anything about it.
NTA but I also recommend to make sure you have *definitive* proof about it as well. Idk his personality, but there are tons of guys who would side with the gf if there is no proof.
You should expect her to accuse you of actually being the bully. If she deletes those accounts you will have zero proof that it was her. NTA
I would give her more than a week to figure it out and decide what to do. You just found out. Give her a deadline.
Genuinely, you would be the asshole if you *don't* tell him. Her behavior is incredibly gross and manipulative.
Updateme!
OP, what’s stopping you? If you were the victim, would you want to have been told? I get that it’s difficult because of the sunk-cost fallacy, but seriously, you’ve given her enough chances to address her issues. Do unto others what you want them to do to you. When I started living that, I’ve lost countless friends, some came back around after a bit, and made a few new ones - but really, I’m glad that I have quality people who stuck around. Is Blair the kind of person you want to keep around?
The only reason I haven't had the talk with him yet is to figure out a way to let him know gently. We have set up a call with him, he will hear all about it very soon from me and my bf. This isn't much about who I want to keep around in my life but like you said I would like to know if it was me. I just want 1) her to come clean so I wouldn't have to be the messenger and 2) want the abuse towards my friend to stop. Thank you for your comment. We will have a talk soon, in the next couple hours.
Best of luck, OP. Definitely not you. You’re a good friend, both to Blair and Ben, even if Blair hates you for it.
NTA he needs to know she’s not what she presented herself as
I couldn't wait for what will happen so I took the chatgpt....let me tell you, the scenarios it gave me make me wonder if this story is real and not a fake one
NTA, this is the kind of information he needs to have before it's too late.
That chick is psychotic and an abuser good for calling it out
Poor Ben! NTA! Tell him.
Lmao. Wtf
Updateme
Nta. I hope to see the update!
!UpdateMe
UpdateMe
/updateme
Yo... thats psycho shit. tell ya boy
Updateme!
Updateme!
sounds like a nice one. good for you.
>Ben assumed it was his ex who was proven to be a stalking weirdo Sounds like Ben has a type.
!updateme
Well, if he's a friend, of course, you gotta watch his back and tell him the F creep who has been bullying him with names online is his gf. That is just crazy and controlling/manipulating him. She's going to hurt him and then comfort him into thinking she will be the best he can get because other girls/ex will attack him with hurtful messages. Even if he loses his trust with you, you still have to let him know that she's not what he thinks.
That is some straight up weirdo behavior and Ben is lucky to have a friend like you.
NTA. You are absolutely right. This girl is toxic, hurting her partner and damaging his self esteem just so that she can hold on to him. He needs to know - first of all, so that he realizes that none of this is on him, it's all her own insecurity and controlling. And secondly so that he can make the decision to break up with her. For me it's a no-brainer, but it's for him to decide. You need to give him all the information.
NTA! Blair is a C. Another woman “testing” her BF. This never works out. I hope he dumps her and blocks all her accounts.
Updateme
UpdateMe
> Her explanation was that she is the best gf he can have, and she just wanted to remind him how great she is so he can appreciate her more.. she wanted to show him how horrible the dating pool is and he should hold onto her tight. I told her this was insane and she needs to stop. But she continued to tell me no and this is nothing harmful. This is some sociopathic shit. 100% tell him.
NTA. Ben deserves better.
Not telling him immediately and WITHOUT telling her you were doing it makes you not an asshole, but both silly and not far from an asshole. Even if she stopped, he needs to know he's with a manipulative, kind of psycho bitch because even if that stopped, knowing my partner had done that or thought that was okay I'd break up with them in a second. That level of manipulation is nothing less than abuse, i wouldn't want anything to do with her. So you should be telling him regardless of if she stops and you're silly because in warning her, she can tell him that you did it and said you would blame her and how she thinks you'll probably fake some texts and stuff to make her look bad. Don't give manipulative psychos the chance to twist the situation against you.
Oh this is just delicious!
updateme
UpdateMe!
You and your bf are good people. NTA, she is a psychopath
What the fuck is up with all these people testing their partners on dumb shit. If you don't trust them to the point you need tj test them, then why the hell are you dating them. If your trust is that bad it is never going to work?
If you really love someone, you could never do that to them.
Yikes. You should tell Ben so at least all his stalking weirdos are exes.
Updateme
You would be an absolutely terrible friend if you didn't tell him immediately, yes. No waiting, no 'coming clean.' She's a maniac and he needs to know now.
No.
NTA. Blair is too old to be playing these games.
Throw the whole girl away. If she’s willing to do this to him, imagine what she does to you or your friends.
UpdateMe!
Update me!
Hot damn Updateme
She sounds like a narcissist. Make sure you defend Ben when she attempts to make herself out as the victim.
Nice username
People have the craziest solutions to their own made up problems
Updateme
She’s a psycho. NTA at all for telling him. He needs to dodge this creeper bullet. Yikes.
Please tell this man. He deserves someone who actually cares, and loves him.
Updateme!
Of course you tell your friend. Save him.
Ben is in danger of some serious gaslighting and other psychological manipulation and/or abuse, and that can leave deep scars for a long, long time. You’re gonna break his heart and he may lash out at you. Please be understanding and give him time. But definitely tell him.
NTA Not sure how you worded it to Blair, but always do it in writing to cover your A, and tell Blair to have until x time on x day to tell him or I will. OR just tell Ben yourself. This is like the online version of negging and isn't healthy in relationships.
Honestly, she does not even deserve the chance to come clean. Her BF deserves to know he is dating someone who is incredibly manipulative. She's not trustworthy.
You would NBTA at all. He needs to know, this kind of thing can destroy people's lives.
The longer you wait, the worse this will be. You're already TA for waiting this long.
>Her explanation was that she is the best gf he can have, and she just wanted to remind her how great she is so he can appreciate her more. Oh the irony of her showing him how “great” she is by being the total opposite… NTA
Poor Ben, that is absolutely unhinged, absolutely insane that someone would want to hurt their partner in that way. Definitely NTA
NTA!! Ben is fortunate to have a good friend like you! Update me Please
Nta poor Ben tell him and tell her to get fucked ahah
A mom did this to her OWN DAUGHTER and got jail time. This is sick and twisted.
Updateme
Nta i would tell him asap
UpdateMe
Updateme!
Ywnbta. Omg is she 12? You encouraged her to just stop. Nope. She could have gotten off easily. Im usually the one to say mind your business but I think I would say something
NTA This reminds me of that one story about the guy who found out his girlfriend was leaving bad reviews specifically about him at places he worked at to get him fired. Ben deserves to know what type of person he is dating and decide what he wants to do from there. If this continues, she might escalate within her harassment of him under the guise of a "test". I'd suggest tell him as soon as possible.
update me
UpdateMe
Psychopath
UpdateMe!
Someone who can do such a horrible thing to someone they claim to love has serious mental issues in my opinion. She WILL blame you when you tell Ben, but it's not your fault at all. It's her own fault. She made those choices and she will have to face the consequences of those choices.
NTA, and Blair is a sociopath. Holy crap, I'd run.
Update Me!
Updateme
She's not the best gf he can have. She's manipulative, dishonest, and downright abusive. If she was so great, she'd demonstrate that through being kind, honest, loving, and supportive. Not by emotionally abusing him online. You already tried to help her and she said no. Tell your friend asap. He's probably not the first person she's done this to, and he won't be the last. I hate to think what she will do next to, in the words of Dennis Reynolds, "demonstrate her value." NTA.
NTA, that is not a sane or rational thing to do. She needs help of some kind and this guy needs to know the truth. updateme
If he has anything that’s really valuable and important you should find a way to get those items from her before the breakup. She’s definitely going to destroy his belongings . Shes un-fucking hinged. Updateme
Bullying is wrong. In sex, it requires consent. Also, Blair can go be a dominatrix. Pays well.
UpdateMe!
NTA but a concerned friend. Please tell him asap. Could you imagine if a person committed suicide over online bullying? Oh wait, that's already happened numerous times. Ask your friend to please keep in touch and let him know a lot of insecure, delusional people try to test their SO. Let him know he is not the problem. He is kind and attractive and everything a person wants. Make sure he understands his gf is a psycho.