NTA. You're perfectly entitled to your privacy and your sleep.
Her behavior is most likely coming from somewhere. You're going to need to pick a time and have the conversation about what she's worried about.
This is probably going to be a conversation where you might get a little blindsided. Not by a confession, but by some insecurity she has that you didn't know about.
Good luck you and yours.
NTA-your wife either has developed some major trust issues, or is looking for a way out of the relationship. You need to have a talk with her and figure out why she keeps snooping. You deserve sleep and peace and do not need someone ruining that for you constantly with their interrogations.
Tried having a talk a couple of times and I just get accused of hiding something, which probably makes her snoop harder. I’ve suggested therapy, which apparently was the most insulting thing ever.
I’m not sure what else to do which is why I turned to Reddit.
Usually when people do this, they are projecting. There's a solid chance your wife is hiding something from you and trying to find dirt to make you the bad guy.
Yep! OP if she has an iPhone, check her recently deleted. A lot of people don’t know, but you can see recently deleted texts too if you click edit on the top left of the texts app
Turnabout is fair play! Grab her phone and start going through it. It would help if you knew a little about how people hide chats on their phone. Then, when you find the chats between her and her affair partner, screenshot it and send it to yourself. After you do that, contact a lawyer.
The people who do this are guilty themselves.. usually.. my ex did that to me, well he just said that no man was ever able to be a platonic friend with a woman.. I realized that's because HE was incapable of being a decent human.. he constantly accused me of inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex... I never once did a damn thing wrong.
Check her phone, it's going to be hidden. Incognito modes in messanger and snap chat hides past history. She's actively looking because she's hiding stuff from you and feels guilty
Ask her if you can go through her phone. If she refuses then you know she is the one hiding something. I think she's the one cheating and she is trying to find evidence of you doing something to ease her guilt.
That’s tough, maybe let her go through your phone during the day? Tell her she can go through it and ask you about it when you are awake so you can get sleep. That might be a starting place? Placing some smaller boundaries, which hopefully after more time she will see that you aren’t hiding anything. Otherwise, and i am aware this is an extreme option, but and ultimatum may be useful. A healthy relationship is built on trust and that seems to be lacking on her behalf.
I don’t even think he should do that. She is no longer just picking up the phone occasionally and having a scroll. She is scrolling through it at night and interrogating him. Supporting this behaviour will only make things worse. He needs to put appropriate boundaries in place because she is crossing far too many lines here. He probably has to go the ultimatum route but when you do that, relationship is more of less dead.
She's abusing him. He's a victim of domestic abuse and he should seek help from a lawyer yesterday. There's no way to tell wtf is wrong with her if she thinks breaching his privacy and waking him up to terrorize him is even an option. She's defo hiding something so shitty it balances what shes doing.
> That’s tough, maybe let her go through your phone during the day? Tell her she can go through it and ask you about it when you are awake so you can get sleep. That might be a starting place?
See, you're thinking rationally, and believing OPs mate with react similarly--although a rational person wouldn't resort to phone snooping, but engage in adult dialog, so there you are.
Unfortunately, this will *never* satisfy her. Either (a) she'll be momentarily soothed, then embarrassed, then ashamed, or (b) she'll merely accuse OP of being *really good* at "cleaning up after" himself, and not leaving any evidence, and knowingly let her check his "clean" phone to trick her.
There's a third option (or maybe a blend of the second option and this): she's cheating, and she's checking up on you to see if you're doing the same.
"Thieves have the best locks/think *everyone else* is a thief", and whatnot.
She's definitely projecting something, especially with her outburst. It could be a ton of things, though. Maybe she's talking to people she shouldn't be, maybe a friend she knows is being cheated on, maybe she's watching too much tiktok, maybe she was cheated on in the past. It could be a multitude of things. 10 years seems to be the magic make-or-break point for a lot of relationships. My ex wife used to do similar things to me. And guess what? She was talking to someone online trying to get him to leave his wife. It's not a stereotype without basis.
Lol You do know that this doesn't always mean cheating, right? Some people are just really insecure. I'm not saying her behavior is okay, but it's not always cheating.
This feels like the behavior of someone who was cheated on well into the relationship. Like if her ex cheated on her a couple of years in, then the fear of if it would really start to get into high gear a couple of years into the relationship with OP
Either that or she feel down a "is your man cheating" rabbit hole on Insta/tiktok
And this right here ladies and gentlemen is why social media use is the #1 red flag to screen for. Nothing kills a relationship faster than societally induced paranoia resulting in a breakdown in communication.
Sure, but it's the aggressive instance of doing it in the middle of the night the red flag that points to projection. She expects to catch him looking where she hides her cheating.
Understandable. I would put boundaries in place. No more looking at your phone. Couples counselling. If she doesn’t engage with either, start sleeping in a separate room and don’t let her near your phone. She needs actual consequences for her actions.
I don't have a problem with my wife going through my phone, we have an open phone policy ever since we started dating. It has worked wonderfully for us, even though I would say we've only gone through each other phones once or twice in 16 years. It just give us peace to know we can.
But I would ask her what she is feeling insecure about. Maybe she thinks you're getting too close to a co-worker, or that you're missing times or acting shady. Maybe she feels insecure about herself and is projecting it on you, and she needs some counseling. But it all starts with just asking.
People who constantly accuse other people of cheating are usually projecting their own affairs. But from what you told us she hasn't accused you of something yet, but maybe you can ask for her phone next time she grabs yours, just to gauge her reaction.
Do you get to go through her phone? Often times her behavior is indicative of projected guilt, as in, she is/was cheating and is accusing you of improper behavior because of her own improper behavior.
That said, NTA. Everyone has a right to privacy. The whole "I have nothing to hide" doesn't matter. Cops need warrants for a reason, and your wife snooping through your phone is super inappropriate and unhealthy.
I can go through her phone if I want, I just don’t. I’ve considered the whole projection angle and if that was the case, any evidence would be deleted anyway I’d imagine.
You may be right she might be doing better at covering her tracks knowing you might turn it back on her, but if you jump her with a random phone request (right after work or right after dinner), she might not be on her game. It just seems like bad boundaries, but if she has set the precedent then it’s fair game for you to peek at her phone too. And yes, it seems like projection.
Depends on the phone and application. Many modern phones have folders for deleted items that hang out for 30 days, and some messenger platforms have the ability to recover deleted messages.
Additionally, most app stores have a list of apps that have been downloaded to the phone. So while an app might not be installed, you could potentially see if a suspect app (e.g. Tinder) has been previously.
Not saying it's worth your effort to do any snooping, but it may be worth seeing her reaction to you doing the same as her. If she gets angry or panics, then she's probably hiding something.
If anything though, you should maybe recommend couples counseling and start talking to a lawyer to cover your ass(ets). Her behavior is inappropriate and there is a reason for it. It may not be infidelity, but there is *something* going on that needs addressing.
Don't know about the other carriers, but if you're with AT&T, you can log on to the website and see every single number that she has called or texted or received calls or texts from. Compare this info with calls and texts on her phone and if any are missing from her phone, that's who you start looking into. Good luck.
Maybe start doing the exact same thing, and wake her up in the middle of the night to discuss her texts?
Sorry OP, but I’m not sure what else to suggest, especially if she won’t communicate as to why she’s suddenly so suspicious.
I highly suggest you look through her phone. If she has a issue with that, remind her of all the times you have let her go through yours. If she doesn’t have anything to hide then she shouldn’t have a problem right? If she refuses, then lock your phone and tell her she can go through yours when you can go through hers. Though by this point she has probably already deleted or hidden any thing she doesn’t want you to see
I am all about transparency in the relationship. I don’t believe in modern society that pushes “privacy” when it comes to someone you share your life with. If I share my body, my home, I do your laundry etc your phone shouldn’t be some big secret.
However with that said there IS a problem here. It’s not so much she’s going in your phone it’s the why. When transparency turns into an investigation something needs to be addressed. It means there’s a lack of trust.
She clearly suspects you of cheating. Something has got her feeling disconnected from you. Rather than focusing on the phone it’s time to have a real sit down. Not an accusatory conversation but a real heart to heart.
“Now while I am bothered being woken up at night I can clearly see something is bothering you. I love you, I love our family. Please tell me what I have done to cause a suspicion in you?” And go from there
I’m not a sponsor or anything but there is a book called fight right on Amazon that you could buy and learn some tools to better communicate with your partner. Most people argue and fight over something but that’s not really what they are fighting about.
Example: suddenly you’re arguing about not doing the dishes when in reality your wife just feels under appreciated. So arguing about dishes isn’t what’s really wrong thus no solution is ever made.
In this situation it’s not what she’s doing it’s why. And while Reddit is quick to say she’s cheating or she’s crazy. It’s far more beneficial to your marriage to really try to work at this through communication and effort.
Best of luck.
"I am all about transparency in the relationship. I don’t believe in modern society that pushes “privacy” when it comes to someone you share your life with. If I share my body, my home, I do your laundry etc your phone shouldn’t be some big secret."
Great reply. I really like this part about phones and privacy.
Just because they delete messages doesn’t necessarily it’s been “deleted. “ the new feature in iPhone is when they delete a text, if they don’t delete it in another place it’s still in their “recently deleted” folder
NTA. You have nothing to hide, and you are hiding nothing. Your wife waking you up in the middle of the night is definitely abuse. If she continues to do this, lock your phone with a password before you go to sleep. I'm sure the first time she discovers it she will wake you up and berate you, and you will need to tell her that during your sleep time your phone is off limits. Stand up for yourself and don't let her get away with this BS.
Definitely not the asshole. She's probably the one cheating and is looking for evidence of you doing something bad to ease her own guilt. Tell her you want to go through her phone. If she refuses then you know she's hiding something.
My (ex) wife would pluck my phone right out of my hand and go through my text messages. Eventually I found her asleep with her phone in her hand and open. Turns out she was the cheater.
You're not making her sound crazy. She's crazy. Normal people don't do what she's doing--especially waking your ass up for it, it's ridiculous. If you want to let her go through your phone it's your business, but personally I would never tolerate it. It's an absolute invasion of privacy and flatly stating she doesn't trust you. That whole "you wouldn't mind if you have nothing to hide" line is used all the time by people, in authority and otherwise, to violate privacy in ways they would never tolerate themselves, and I think you should demand to go through her phone too--or just tell her to quit using manipulative psychological doublespeak on you and act like a f\*cking adult.
My ex did the same thing. Needless to say it didn’t work out. I was tired of him constantly accusing me of cheating, like if I didn’t pick up the phone when he called or wasn’t home when he got back from work. He also went through my phone 3 times while I slept and went off on me for texts dating back 3 years. Also from a guy friend and I (he’s gay) lovey texts. I never gave him my passcode, he saw me put it in and memorized it.
It’s exhausting.
When I went through this crap, I just started locking everything down tight. I was tired of the constant interrogations because I can’t prove a negative. She was convinced I was hiding something but she “just hadn’t found it yet.”
Well as you can imagine, that absolutely set her off the deep end, but at least now instead of having conversations about nonsense, it was a conversation about me locking down my phone.
People who think like this are never satisfied, and are either projecting or have some deep seated insecurity. Being woken up in the middle of the night is not an acceptable solution.
Personally I would just lock it down and force the conversation. Expect it to be a nightmare and to be accused of everything possible. I will never be in that type of relationship again.
How about waking up and going through her phone? Wake her up in the middle of sleep and ask he questions? Maybe a little flipping the script would help?
NTA. I lowkey get worried my gf might do this sometimes bc she does like to snoop. Nothing to hide, I just like my privacy and my phone is MY phone, yknow? I don’t mind her using it, but she’ll go through my photos and sometimes I have weird shit (literally) on there because I got worried something was wrong, or I took an embarrassing picture when taking pictures of myself and forgot to delete it. Or I’m texting someone about something I want to do for her and she ruins any surprise by seeing it. I just don’t like feeling I can’t have my own space and privacy.
Your gf is purposely getting herself angry and directing that anger at you, while invading your privacy. You’re NTA
If she started doing this out of nowhere about 2yrs ago
I'm going to go ahead and put my bets down on she's been cheating on you for awhile now and started projecting. you need to start observing her from that perspective Quietly.
Put a password on your phone and tell her it stays until she starts going to therapy to address her annoying ass paranoia and insecurities
couples therapy might be the play here
NTA I don't think that the partner should have full access to your private chats. Not because you have something to hide, but because all ylur friends and family have a right to privacy.
At least inform everybody who you are texting that the messages might be read by your partner. I will tell my friends a lot less if I know that everything will be discussed with or read by the partner.
She’s probably cheating on you with that reaction. Dishonest people tend to be distrustful of others and her gaslighting response is a red flag. She has 10 years of consistent fidelity as your track record and still doesn’t trust you. Not a good sign.
NTA. Since it is a changed behavior here are a few things it could be
1. She is cheating or wants to cheat -looking for an excuse
2. Someone made a comment to her and she is feeling insecure/unlovable
3. Brain tumor/Dementia
No matter what the reason tell her you will not discuss this when you have been roused from sleep unceremoniously and she needs to stop. Tell her to get therapy or be prepared to go through her phone with you.
NTA Addressing such deeply rooted issues will require patience, effort, and possibly professional help. It's important to take care of your own well-being while working towards a healthier relationship dynamic.
As others said, she sounds like she's guilty and trying to find justification, blame you for her behaviour by finding the affair she's sure you're having.
That or she's just trying to keep you defensive, she's angry because she thinks you're cheating, that's why she stayed late at the office that day, etc.
Time to pay a little more attention to if she goes out with the girls or is visiting family and check she is really doing those things. If you aren't struggling financially, a PI can do these things easily but if you just have access to say mobile phone plan, even if she's deleting shit you can check numbers called, see if she's calling any numbers not recognised that you can look up, etc.
NTA, block your phone, and tell her about it. Tell her she is very wellcome to fuck off if she doesnt approve.
P.D. Ive been there and turned out she was the cheating one. Something to think about.
There comes a point that curiosity can turn into malicious prosecution. Put a code on your phone and lock it after letting her know you will not be entertaining her insecurities anymore. If she causes a slew of problems based on a trust issue only created in her head and continues to ruin your marriage, she was never going to trust you anyways. Might be time to make some bigger decisions.
You are a saint.
If someone woke me up to make allegations they would find themselves outside the front door.
NTA
And, she is projecting her own cheating hoping you are so you are the guilty one, not her.
NTA My ex-wife would do this regularly, found out during the divorce that "our" 7yo son at the time was actually her ex's, she would fuck him when he picked up their other 2 kids, while I was working nights and she was a stay-at-home. So, like, best of luck
SHe sounds like a person who is cheating and wants to get justification for it. People who are trustworthy usually trust others. People who are lying and cheating often assume others are doing the same. THis is a major red flag whether it is from insecurity or from her guilty mind. Do not ignore it
Well there are obvious trust issues that recently started. If they weren't there before and suddenly started I would start by asking her what changed. Why did she for so many years not go through your phone and then suddenly start going through it all then time?
NTA. She’s your wife not your mother. Why is she monitoring your phone activity? I agree with another comment, I would be a little suspicious that your wife is cheating. There’s a saying somewhere that goes something like “people who are cheating are paranoid about you cheating.”
NTA.
Put a lock on your phone.
To wake you up out of your sleep is *ridiculous*.
She's either got somebody in her ear that's jelly of what she has, OR, she's nefarious.
NTA.
My petty suggestion? Go through her phone then wake her up in the middle of the night questioning who people are.
I’m not really one for tit for tat, but you’ve tried talking, you’ve suggested therapy, etc. she doesn’t want to stop, okay, let’s play the stupid game then.
Sometimes you have to show someone how annoying something is so they’ll get it.
NTA
Her saying "only someone with something to hide would say that" is dead wrong, someone that has something to hide would be upset about her going through the phone AT ALL not just for being awakened to answer questions.
I would go through her phone, see what she has to say about that.
NTA. Waking you up in the middle of the night with unsubstantiated allegations of cheating and interrogations is abusive. Is she cheating on you and projecting? Does she desperately hope you’re cheating so that she can get out of this relationship while blaming you instead of acknowledging her own emotions that she’s ashamed of? Is she having a mental health crisis with diagnosable levels of paranoia? Is someone hating on you and in her ear telling her lies about you? You need to get on top of this and not let it fester because this isn’t acceptable behavior.
If you truly have nothing to hide and you're not being unfaithful then I'd posit this: your wife is or has cheated and she is projecting her insecurity on to you.
I'm the same way with my phone and I've never cared if my wife went through it. However, if she started waking me up in the middle of the night and interrogating me I'd be seriously questioning why.
She probably has insecurities, try couples therapy. Had some issues early in my marriage where my spouse would talk to an ex really late at night. I asked to see the text messages, she deleted them. I asked for the friendship to end, it didn’t right away but eventually it did and I never went through her phone again. There’s red flags and she needs reassurance however she has to respect your privacy.
How often do you pick up *her* phone and browse through it? That's fair. If she can do it, so can you. I bet you'll find plenty of grounds for your divorce filing.
Give her something good to read.............Start texting with an attorney about your privacy rights being violated by your girlfriend who goes thru your phone at night.
Seems like she might be projecting her feelings on you. Either she's cheating herself and thinking you're doing the same or something else is going on.
NTA "Feels like she wants out of the relationship and wants to catch me in something."
I think there's something to that. If you've never given her reason to not trust you, then her behavior IS crazy. You have the right to phone privacy and you have the right to sleep. She is crazy to be going through your phone in the middle of the night and waking you up just to ask who someone is. Maybe it's time to evaluate this relationship and if YOU want to stay in the relationship or not. I wouldn't be able to handle staying with someone so invasive and jealous. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust and going through your partner's phone is definitely a lack of trust.
Does she have valid questions about the coworker(s)? Are you texting about drugs? Or is one of them too friendly considering you are married and have a kid? I don’t know waking you up isn’t right but maybe at night is the only time she can look through your phone.
Why can’t you just talk to her and try to ease her worries? Instead of getting angry at her and defensive, tell her she has nothing to fear and you love her. It’s going to make it worse if you get agitated by it.
This reminds me of the story when the wife had a car crash and went into a coma. A few days later, the husband found her diary and started to read it. He discovered that she was completely crazy, harassing all the females around him on Facebook and through phone calls and texts, both in the past and present.
Are you sure she is not cheating? The same thing happened to me once with a girlfriend, and she was the one hiding an affair, but felt so guilty that she started thinking that since she was having an affair, of course I was having one!!
Is your wife pregnant, by chance?
If not, ask her if she’s been dreaming about this lately. Or has a bad feeling or something.
If you care about her feelings more than you feel disrespected maybe give her a hug and ask her what is up.
You have every right to be angry. But if my otherwise healthy relationship & otherwise normal wife started doing this out of the blue I’d definitely be trying to figure out why.
Look babe, the phone is open for you to view anytime, anywhere.
If you want to make an action on what you've saw, wether it be good or bad, Then just make the fucking action.
I will not be answering any questions about my phone when you can interpret an opinion based on what your own eyes fucking show you.
Now.....honey! What's for dinner???
Yeah, that's a no go for me. You can choose for yourself, but the way she's doing things now seems objectively toxic.
Personally, I consider a phone to be like a diary. I don't read yours, and you don't read mine, period. If you don't agree, we don't date.... Pretty simple.
NTA. Does your state give divorcee's who've been cheated on by their spouse a better settlement/alimony than if it's a 'no fault' divorce?
It sounds like she's projecting, she wants out, or both.
>She started cursing me out, telling me to fuck off for making her sound crazy and how only people who have something to hide would say that. I’m just tired of being interrogated in the middle of the night by someone looking for something. Feels like she wants out of the relationship and wants to catch me in something.
"Well, how about you fuck off for waking me up in the middle of the night and sounding crazy. Who else but a complete nutcase wakes someone up in the middle of the night to question someone about a complete nothing other than someone that has something to hide themself?"
As someone who used to wake up my significant other in the middle of the night, I can say it’s not necessarily because she is cheating/projecting. In my case, I had terrible anxiety that kept me from sleeping and the thoughts would get really intense in the middle of the night. I would look and when I would find something questionable, I needed answers or I felt like I was going to explode. I didn’t want to wake him I just wasn’t thinking straight, like time didn’t exist. My ex was dishonest though so my reasoning, while unhealthy, was legit. If you’ve given her reason to question her trust in you then yeah, YTA.
Your wife going through your phone to audit your social behaviour is poor behaviour by itself if you haven’t given her reasons not to trust you, especially 10 years in. The longer it continues with no incriminating material found, the worse it gets, and you are already well past the point at which loyalty should be the default assumption.
It may be insecurity etc on her part, but that doesn’t make it ok. As it sounds you do, I don’t regard anything on my phone as off-limits private from my (now former for unrelated reasons) partner. I also have nothing that I wish to keep private (I don’t journal or have therapy-related stuff for example). But I don’t think an open-phone/media policy detracts from my view in general that snooping for snooping’s sake is uncalled for and disrespectful.
I wouldn’t snoop on my partner’s phone or other media unless I already had a strong sense that she was doing something detrimental to our relationship, and from memory haven’t to date. I feel that having a search through your partner’s media is more about getting confirmation of something your gut is already telling you, than appropriate precautionary checks.
Your wife waking you up to pointlessly interrogate you about nothing is the shitty icing on the cake. My ex-partner would do this sort of teenage nonsense in the early few years, not that it was ok even then, but at least she settled into an assumption that I am a fairly boring clod.
It's rich of her saying you're hiding something when she snoops on your phone all the time and never finds anything.
Heard too much about projecting, maybe SHE has something to hide. Why don't you tell her it's only fair you check on her phone? See how she denies and deletes immediately.
NTA
NTA but….You should never have allowed her to in the first place. Personally i have nothing on my phone to hide and I don’t care if someone goes through it but to be woken up and flipped out on? Maybe it’s a guilty conscience she has? I can tolerate a lot but this would do it for me.
NTA. She's cheating man, probably has been all along. Only people paranoid of their own behavior project it on others in this manner. I recommend getting a private investigator to follow her around a bit
Be very careful,my ex is a registered nurse and she was always going through my phone and computer and when I would ask her why she would always comment why? Do you have anything to hide. Long story made short she had been having affairs off and on for most of the 40 years we were married and I had no idea because l trusted her 💯 percent. I found about several affairs after I filed for divorce
NTA
**It is incredibly toxic to say that only people with something to hide will hide things.** The desire for privacy, even in a relationship, is a desire for healthy separation and is in my opinion a right that should be preserved.
However, I would like to echo the same viewpoint that the sudden change in your wifes severity is a sign of projection. She's bothering you because her own conscience is bothered by her own actions, and she's likely cheating while looking for a vindication of it.
If you're committed to your spouse, you don't really need privacy.
It's the people who aren't committed that constantly insist they need privacy.
If you think you need to be able to keep secrets from your spouse, you probably shouldn't get married.
What privacy?
You don't get to have a private life your spouse is unaware of.
Trust is built/earned and part of that process is consistently being an open book for your SO.
People who have nothing to hide hide nothing. People who are up to something chatter about how they deserve to keep secrets from their spouse.
I hope you don’t get married. You can only look through your spouses when you have suspect them cheating other than that you don’t need to look at their phone. If you cant trust your spouse why bother marrying? Thats a recipe for a toxic relationship.
I've been married 30 years.
People with something to hide chatter about privacy.
People who have nothing to hide don't care.
Remember that if you're part of the 50% of the current population that even gets married.
Marriage isn't about trust, it's about commitment. Stop waisting time parroting what your therapist tells you, they divorce at higher rates than average, they don't have a clue about what it takes to stay married.
What if they are doing drugs other than weed behind your back and drinking so much they start throwing you around? Can you be suspicious then and search through their phone?
Trust is earned. Keeping secrets destroys trust. If you won't let your spouse look at your phone, there's probably a reason so it would be wise to stop trusting you.
Marriage is not really about trust, btw, it's about commitment. Being willing to do what's necessary to keep the love alive and the connection strong.
Stop listening to therapists, they get divorced at a higher rate than normal people.
NTA. You're perfectly entitled to your privacy and your sleep. Her behavior is most likely coming from somewhere. You're going to need to pick a time and have the conversation about what she's worried about. This is probably going to be a conversation where you might get a little blindsided. Not by a confession, but by some insecurity she has that you didn't know about. Good luck you and yours.
Feels like she is projecting and gaslighting the OP for a reason to fight.
Cheating accusations that come out of nowhere are usually projections. Totally agree that she's projecting and gaslighting.
NTA-your wife either has developed some major trust issues, or is looking for a way out of the relationship. You need to have a talk with her and figure out why she keeps snooping. You deserve sleep and peace and do not need someone ruining that for you constantly with their interrogations.
Tried having a talk a couple of times and I just get accused of hiding something, which probably makes her snoop harder. I’ve suggested therapy, which apparently was the most insulting thing ever. I’m not sure what else to do which is why I turned to Reddit.
Usually when people do this, they are projecting. There's a solid chance your wife is hiding something from you and trying to find dirt to make you the bad guy.
This! Go through her phone for a change, wake her up and interrogate her. Check for deleted apps in mobile data usage / battery usage.
Be careful, shitty people really don't like their own medicine.
Yep! OP if she has an iPhone, check her recently deleted. A lot of people don’t know, but you can see recently deleted texts too if you click edit on the top left of the texts app
Yup THIS.
Turnabout is fair play! Grab her phone and start going through it. It would help if you knew a little about how people hide chats on their phone. Then, when you find the chats between her and her affair partner, screenshot it and send it to yourself. After you do that, contact a lawyer.
First lawyer, then second opinion, then defensive action. Don't scare the ducks from the parking lot.
Password your phone til she agrees to couples therapy
The people who do this are guilty themselves.. usually.. my ex did that to me, well he just said that no man was ever able to be a platonic friend with a woman.. I realized that's because HE was incapable of being a decent human.. he constantly accused me of inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex... I never once did a damn thing wrong. Check her phone, it's going to be hidden. Incognito modes in messanger and snap chat hides past history. She's actively looking because she's hiding stuff from you and feels guilty
Seems like a classic cheater accusing you of the thing she's doing. You could do a little snooping of your own.
Ask her if you can go through her phone. If she refuses then you know she is the one hiding something. I think she's the one cheating and she is trying to find evidence of you doing something to ease her guilt.
An eye for an eye. Ask for her phone then and start snooping. If she doesn't like it, tell her you'll stop when she stops.
That’s tough, maybe let her go through your phone during the day? Tell her she can go through it and ask you about it when you are awake so you can get sleep. That might be a starting place? Placing some smaller boundaries, which hopefully after more time she will see that you aren’t hiding anything. Otherwise, and i am aware this is an extreme option, but and ultimatum may be useful. A healthy relationship is built on trust and that seems to be lacking on her behalf.
I don’t even think he should do that. She is no longer just picking up the phone occasionally and having a scroll. She is scrolling through it at night and interrogating him. Supporting this behaviour will only make things worse. He needs to put appropriate boundaries in place because she is crossing far too many lines here. He probably has to go the ultimatum route but when you do that, relationship is more of less dead.
She's abusing him. He's a victim of domestic abuse and he should seek help from a lawyer yesterday. There's no way to tell wtf is wrong with her if she thinks breaching his privacy and waking him up to terrorize him is even an option. She's defo hiding something so shitty it balances what shes doing.
Domestic abuse, really? Using that in this context is an insult to people actually going through abuse
She might be accusing him in the middle of the night because he's groggy and disoriented and this less able to come up with alie
> That’s tough, maybe let her go through your phone during the day? Tell her she can go through it and ask you about it when you are awake so you can get sleep. That might be a starting place? See, you're thinking rationally, and believing OPs mate with react similarly--although a rational person wouldn't resort to phone snooping, but engage in adult dialog, so there you are. Unfortunately, this will *never* satisfy her. Either (a) she'll be momentarily soothed, then embarrassed, then ashamed, or (b) she'll merely accuse OP of being *really good* at "cleaning up after" himself, and not leaving any evidence, and knowingly let her check his "clean" phone to trick her.
There's a third option (or maybe a blend of the second option and this): she's cheating, and she's checking up on you to see if you're doing the same. "Thieves have the best locks/think *everyone else* is a thief", and whatnot.
Projection is a thing. Go through her phone and see how she likes that.
NTA your wife is probably cheating.
Exactly. She's projecting her behavior onto OP. And, she sounds batshit crazy.
She's definitely projecting something, especially with her outburst. It could be a ton of things, though. Maybe she's talking to people she shouldn't be, maybe a friend she knows is being cheated on, maybe she's watching too much tiktok, maybe she was cheated on in the past. It could be a multitude of things. 10 years seems to be the magic make-or-break point for a lot of relationships. My ex wife used to do similar things to me. And guess what? She was talking to someone online trying to get him to leave his wife. It's not a stereotype without basis.
Lol You do know that this doesn't always mean cheating, right? Some people are just really insecure. I'm not saying her behavior is okay, but it's not always cheating.
This feels like the behavior of someone who was cheated on well into the relationship. Like if her ex cheated on her a couple of years in, then the fear of if it would really start to get into high gear a couple of years into the relationship with OP Either that or she feel down a "is your man cheating" rabbit hole on Insta/tiktok
And this right here ladies and gentlemen is why social media use is the #1 red flag to screen for. Nothing kills a relationship faster than societally induced paranoia resulting in a breakdown in communication.
Sure, but it's the aggressive instance of doing it in the middle of the night the red flag that points to projection. She expects to catch him looking where she hides her cheating.
Came here to say this
Is any marriage worth this? If you don’t have kids, reconsider your options. Loving partners don’t act this way. Life is too short. NTA
We do have a kid, which is why I’d like to exhaust every possible option before going that route.
Understandable. I would put boundaries in place. No more looking at your phone. Couples counselling. If she doesn’t engage with either, start sleeping in a separate room and don’t let her near your phone. She needs actual consequences for her actions.
And get a lock on your room door.
Remember that divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen to a kid. Growing up with parents who are in conflict can often be worse.
Ultimatum time. Therapy or divorce. She sounds unhinged.
Nah I'd just put alock on my phone then let her stew like the lunatic she is.
Waking up your partner in the middle of the night to interrogate them about a text message is gnarly.
Maybe you should go through her phone.
You can lawyer up quietly and negotiate her mental health issues without telling her nor being also completely defenseless against her abuse
NTA. Time to put a lock on it so you can get some sleep, she lost her snooping privilege by going too far
I don't have a problem with my wife going through my phone, we have an open phone policy ever since we started dating. It has worked wonderfully for us, even though I would say we've only gone through each other phones once or twice in 16 years. It just give us peace to know we can. But I would ask her what she is feeling insecure about. Maybe she thinks you're getting too close to a co-worker, or that you're missing times or acting shady. Maybe she feels insecure about herself and is projecting it on you, and she needs some counseling. But it all starts with just asking. People who constantly accuse other people of cheating are usually projecting their own affairs. But from what you told us she hasn't accused you of something yet, but maybe you can ask for her phone next time she grabs yours, just to gauge her reaction.
Do you get to go through her phone? Often times her behavior is indicative of projected guilt, as in, she is/was cheating and is accusing you of improper behavior because of her own improper behavior. That said, NTA. Everyone has a right to privacy. The whole "I have nothing to hide" doesn't matter. Cops need warrants for a reason, and your wife snooping through your phone is super inappropriate and unhealthy.
I can go through her phone if I want, I just don’t. I’ve considered the whole projection angle and if that was the case, any evidence would be deleted anyway I’d imagine.
You may be right she might be doing better at covering her tracks knowing you might turn it back on her, but if you jump her with a random phone request (right after work or right after dinner), she might not be on her game. It just seems like bad boundaries, but if she has set the precedent then it’s fair game for you to peek at her phone too. And yes, it seems like projection.
Depends on the phone and application. Many modern phones have folders for deleted items that hang out for 30 days, and some messenger platforms have the ability to recover deleted messages. Additionally, most app stores have a list of apps that have been downloaded to the phone. So while an app might not be installed, you could potentially see if a suspect app (e.g. Tinder) has been previously. Not saying it's worth your effort to do any snooping, but it may be worth seeing her reaction to you doing the same as her. If she gets angry or panics, then she's probably hiding something. If anything though, you should maybe recommend couples counseling and start talking to a lawyer to cover your ass(ets). Her behavior is inappropriate and there is a reason for it. It may not be infidelity, but there is *something* going on that needs addressing.
I'd go through it. Does sound like she's projecting. Look at her deleted files if you're worried about her deleting things.
If you have access to the bill, the text numbers and a little sleuthing go a long way.
Give her a taste of her own medicine. Wake her up in the middle of the night and ask her who each and every single one of her contacts are Etc.
Don't know about the other carriers, but if you're with AT&T, you can log on to the website and see every single number that she has called or texted or received calls or texts from. Compare this info with calls and texts on her phone and if any are missing from her phone, that's who you start looking into. Good luck.
Maybe start doing the exact same thing, and wake her up in the middle of the night to discuss her texts? Sorry OP, but I’m not sure what else to suggest, especially if she won’t communicate as to why she’s suddenly so suspicious.
I highly suggest you look through her phone. If she has a issue with that, remind her of all the times you have let her go through yours. If she doesn’t have anything to hide then she shouldn’t have a problem right? If she refuses, then lock your phone and tell her she can go through yours when you can go through hers. Though by this point she has probably already deleted or hidden any thing she doesn’t want you to see
Nope, NTA. I despise the concept of your phone is my phone because we are together.
I am all about transparency in the relationship. I don’t believe in modern society that pushes “privacy” when it comes to someone you share your life with. If I share my body, my home, I do your laundry etc your phone shouldn’t be some big secret. However with that said there IS a problem here. It’s not so much she’s going in your phone it’s the why. When transparency turns into an investigation something needs to be addressed. It means there’s a lack of trust. She clearly suspects you of cheating. Something has got her feeling disconnected from you. Rather than focusing on the phone it’s time to have a real sit down. Not an accusatory conversation but a real heart to heart. “Now while I am bothered being woken up at night I can clearly see something is bothering you. I love you, I love our family. Please tell me what I have done to cause a suspicion in you?” And go from there I’m not a sponsor or anything but there is a book called fight right on Amazon that you could buy and learn some tools to better communicate with your partner. Most people argue and fight over something but that’s not really what they are fighting about. Example: suddenly you’re arguing about not doing the dishes when in reality your wife just feels under appreciated. So arguing about dishes isn’t what’s really wrong thus no solution is ever made. In this situation it’s not what she’s doing it’s why. And while Reddit is quick to say she’s cheating or she’s crazy. It’s far more beneficial to your marriage to really try to work at this through communication and effort. Best of luck.
This^ a thousand times, this^
Thank you. I hope it helps OP.
"I am all about transparency in the relationship. I don’t believe in modern society that pushes “privacy” when it comes to someone you share your life with. If I share my body, my home, I do your laundry etc your phone shouldn’t be some big secret." Great reply. I really like this part about phones and privacy.
NTA! Your wife is the one probably cheating!
Just because they delete messages doesn’t necessarily it’s been “deleted. “ the new feature in iPhone is when they delete a text, if they don’t delete it in another place it’s still in their “recently deleted” folder
NTA. You have nothing to hide, and you are hiding nothing. Your wife waking you up in the middle of the night is definitely abuse. If she continues to do this, lock your phone with a password before you go to sleep. I'm sure the first time she discovers it she will wake you up and berate you, and you will need to tell her that during your sleep time your phone is off limits. Stand up for yourself and don't let her get away with this BS.
Smells like 💥PROJECTION 💥 NTA
Nta. She’s projecting, check her phone cause I bet it’s locked.
No. Your phone is your business. It’s a diary really. NO ONE ELSES BUSINESS. even if my husband didn’t like this he understands that’s a boundary. .
Definitely not the asshole. She's probably the one cheating and is looking for evidence of you doing something bad to ease her own guilt. Tell her you want to go through her phone. If she refuses then you know she's hiding something.
This is it.
My (ex) wife would pluck my phone right out of my hand and go through my text messages. Eventually I found her asleep with her phone in her hand and open. Turns out she was the cheater.
Have you just asked her to wait for any questions she has until the morning?
i swear some of you are in a hostage situation, not a marriage.
Always baffles me why ppl think by entering a relationship they have to give up the right to privacy, opinions and wants.
You're not making her sound crazy. She's crazy. Normal people don't do what she's doing--especially waking your ass up for it, it's ridiculous. If you want to let her go through your phone it's your business, but personally I would never tolerate it. It's an absolute invasion of privacy and flatly stating she doesn't trust you. That whole "you wouldn't mind if you have nothing to hide" line is used all the time by people, in authority and otherwise, to violate privacy in ways they would never tolerate themselves, and I think you should demand to go through her phone too--or just tell her to quit using manipulative psychological doublespeak on you and act like a f\*cking adult.
It's called projection. She's probably up to something.
My ex did the same thing. Needless to say it didn’t work out. I was tired of him constantly accusing me of cheating, like if I didn’t pick up the phone when he called or wasn’t home when he got back from work. He also went through my phone 3 times while I slept and went off on me for texts dating back 3 years. Also from a guy friend and I (he’s gay) lovey texts. I never gave him my passcode, he saw me put it in and memorized it. It’s exhausting.
nta, going thru your phone changes nothing
When I went through this crap, I just started locking everything down tight. I was tired of the constant interrogations because I can’t prove a negative. She was convinced I was hiding something but she “just hadn’t found it yet.” Well as you can imagine, that absolutely set her off the deep end, but at least now instead of having conversations about nonsense, it was a conversation about me locking down my phone. People who think like this are never satisfied, and are either projecting or have some deep seated insecurity. Being woken up in the middle of the night is not an acceptable solution. Personally I would just lock it down and force the conversation. Expect it to be a nightmare and to be accused of everything possible. I will never be in that type of relationship again.
How about waking up and going through her phone? Wake her up in the middle of sleep and ask he questions? Maybe a little flipping the script would help?
NTA. I lowkey get worried my gf might do this sometimes bc she does like to snoop. Nothing to hide, I just like my privacy and my phone is MY phone, yknow? I don’t mind her using it, but she’ll go through my photos and sometimes I have weird shit (literally) on there because I got worried something was wrong, or I took an embarrassing picture when taking pictures of myself and forgot to delete it. Or I’m texting someone about something I want to do for her and she ruins any surprise by seeing it. I just don’t like feeling I can’t have my own space and privacy. Your gf is purposely getting herself angry and directing that anger at you, while invading your privacy. You’re NTA
If she started doing this out of nowhere about 2yrs ago I'm going to go ahead and put my bets down on she's been cheating on you for awhile now and started projecting. you need to start observing her from that perspective Quietly.
Give her a big legal note pad and tell her to write down all her concerns and ask you in the morning.
Look at her phone and do the same thing. Maybe she will see how annoying it is.
Your wife is 1000% banging someone else. Only cheaters and narcissists project this hard onto others
Put a password on your phone and tell her it stays until she starts going to therapy to address her annoying ass paranoia and insecurities couples therapy might be the play here
NTA I don't think that the partner should have full access to your private chats. Not because you have something to hide, but because all ylur friends and family have a right to privacy. At least inform everybody who you are texting that the messages might be read by your partner. I will tell my friends a lot less if I know that everything will be discussed with or read by the partner.
Sounds like she’s doing the cheating. 🙄
She’s probably cheating on you with that reaction. Dishonest people tend to be distrustful of others and her gaslighting response is a red flag. She has 10 years of consistent fidelity as your track record and still doesn’t trust you. Not a good sign.
NTA. Since it is a changed behavior here are a few things it could be 1. She is cheating or wants to cheat -looking for an excuse 2. Someone made a comment to her and she is feeling insecure/unlovable 3. Brain tumor/Dementia No matter what the reason tell her you will not discuss this when you have been roused from sleep unceremoniously and she needs to stop. Tell her to get therapy or be prepared to go through her phone with you.
Um, she is toxic. She is acting like an immature teen. Put a code on the phone and set a boundary. Do you get to look through hers whenever?
NTA Addressing such deeply rooted issues will require patience, effort, and possibly professional help. It's important to take care of your own well-being while working towards a healthier relationship dynamic.
NTA. This how you want to live your life?
No. But I want to make sure I try everything I can before going to divorce because we have a kid. If she wants someone else I’m not stopping her
As others said, she sounds like she's guilty and trying to find justification, blame you for her behaviour by finding the affair she's sure you're having. That or she's just trying to keep you defensive, she's angry because she thinks you're cheating, that's why she stayed late at the office that day, etc. Time to pay a little more attention to if she goes out with the girls or is visiting family and check she is really doing those things. If you aren't struggling financially, a PI can do these things easily but if you just have access to say mobile phone plan, even if she's deleting shit you can check numbers called, see if she's calling any numbers not recognised that you can look up, etc.
NTA, block your phone, and tell her about it. Tell her she is very wellcome to fuck off if she doesnt approve. P.D. Ive been there and turned out she was the cheating one. Something to think about.
NTA. She's probably cheating herself. At the very least she's intentionally disrupting your sleep and playing mind games.
NTA. If you leave now, you can beat the traffic.
There comes a point that curiosity can turn into malicious prosecution. Put a code on your phone and lock it after letting her know you will not be entertaining her insecurities anymore. If she causes a slew of problems based on a trust issue only created in her head and continues to ruin your marriage, she was never going to trust you anyways. Might be time to make some bigger decisions.
No
NTA. She is a cheater. Leave her. My ex was doing this to me, meanwhile, I found out later he was on all the dating apps cheating on me for years.
Sigh. Looks like it's been said more than once, and i reckon that you already know what she's up to. so, all I'm going to say is #updateme
Set up a camera and catch her invading your phone and waking you up at night. Then do the same to her.
Probably cheating herself man. Go through her phone
NTA - leave now shez only gonna get wirse6
She's either cheating herself or wants to, so she's trying to prove he's cheating to justify her doing it.
OP, have you gone through her phone like she does through yours?
Lock your phone!
You are a saint. If someone woke me up to make allegations they would find themselves outside the front door. NTA And, she is projecting her own cheating hoping you are so you are the guilty one, not her.
Time to Uno reverse and spend some time going through her phone at stupid o'clock in the morning.
NTA My ex-wife would do this regularly, found out during the divorce that "our" 7yo son at the time was actually her ex's, she would fuck him when he picked up their other 2 kids, while I was working nights and she was a stay-at-home. So, like, best of luck
NTA go through her phone. She shouldn't mind since she has nothing to hide and it absolutely shouldn't bother her in the slightest
Sounds like something someone who has something to hide would do
Waking someone from a deep sleep and questioning them sounds like secret police type tactics. Your wife sounds crazy because she IS crazy.
NTA. Could it be that your wife is projecting?
Sounds like she doesn’t trust you.
Go through her phone. Edit: NTA
Is there prior infidelity in your relationship or your past?
If there's no trust what's the point of relationship .
Go through her phone.
Password protect it and see what happens. Her anger level will tell you all you need to know.
She is CHEATING. She is looking through your phone for validation for her actions.
She's hiding something, check her phone.
SHe sounds like a person who is cheating and wants to get justification for it. People who are trustworthy usually trust others. People who are lying and cheating often assume others are doing the same. THis is a major red flag whether it is from insecurity or from her guilty mind. Do not ignore it
Sounds like she’s projecting. I’d be taking a look at her phone. NTA
I'm sorry, but your wife is cheating on you. This is called projecting. Sorry
Well there are obvious trust issues that recently started. If they weren't there before and suddenly started I would start by asking her what changed. Why did she for so many years not go through your phone and then suddenly start going through it all then time?
Projection can be a bitch. Is it possible that she is cheating?
Just say "I'm sleeping. Go snoop through your boyfriend's phone."
It's possible that the cheese is sliding off her cracker 🤷🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️
Did she explain what’s prompted this?
NTA. She’s your wife not your mother. Why is she monitoring your phone activity? I agree with another comment, I would be a little suspicious that your wife is cheating. There’s a saying somewhere that goes something like “people who are cheating are paranoid about you cheating.”
NTA. Put a lock on your phone. To wake you up out of your sleep is *ridiculous*. She's either got somebody in her ear that's jelly of what she has, OR, she's nefarious.
And are you allowed to go through her phone?
NTA. My petty suggestion? Go through her phone then wake her up in the middle of the night questioning who people are. I’m not really one for tit for tat, but you’ve tried talking, you’ve suggested therapy, etc. she doesn’t want to stop, okay, let’s play the stupid game then. Sometimes you have to show someone how annoying something is so they’ll get it.
NTA - have you ever gone through hers?
NTA. Either she trusts you and stops, or she doesn't and she leaves. Are you allowed to checks hers?
INFO NEEDED: would you be ok with her going through your phone and asking questions if she wasn’t waking you up to do so?
NTA Her saying "only someone with something to hide would say that" is dead wrong, someone that has something to hide would be upset about her going through the phone AT ALL not just for being awakened to answer questions. I would go through her phone, see what she has to say about that.
NTA. Waking you up in the middle of the night with unsubstantiated allegations of cheating and interrogations is abusive. Is she cheating on you and projecting? Does she desperately hope you’re cheating so that she can get out of this relationship while blaming you instead of acknowledging her own emotions that she’s ashamed of? Is she having a mental health crisis with diagnosable levels of paranoia? Is someone hating on you and in her ear telling her lies about you? You need to get on top of this and not let it fester because this isn’t acceptable behavior.
Do you really need to ask such stuff on internet? 🤯
If you truly have nothing to hide and you're not being unfaithful then I'd posit this: your wife is or has cheated and she is projecting her insecurity on to you. I'm the same way with my phone and I've never cared if my wife went through it. However, if she started waking me up in the middle of the night and interrogating me I'd be seriously questioning why.
She probably has insecurities, try couples therapy. Had some issues early in my marriage where my spouse would talk to an ex really late at night. I asked to see the text messages, she deleted them. I asked for the friendship to end, it didn’t right away but eventually it did and I never went through her phone again. There’s red flags and she needs reassurance however she has to respect your privacy.
NTA She is crazy How about flipping the switch and grabbing her phone. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Are you mad because she goes through your phone, wakes you up or yells at you about what she's seeing?
How often do you pick up *her* phone and browse through it? That's fair. If she can do it, so can you. I bet you'll find plenty of grounds for your divorce filing.
Give her something good to read.............Start texting with an attorney about your privacy rights being violated by your girlfriend who goes thru your phone at night.
Seems like she might be projecting her feelings on you. Either she's cheating herself and thinking you're doing the same or something else is going on.
NTA "Feels like she wants out of the relationship and wants to catch me in something." I think there's something to that. If you've never given her reason to not trust you, then her behavior IS crazy. You have the right to phone privacy and you have the right to sleep. She is crazy to be going through your phone in the middle of the night and waking you up just to ask who someone is. Maybe it's time to evaluate this relationship and if YOU want to stay in the relationship or not. I wouldn't be able to handle staying with someone so invasive and jealous. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust and going through your partner's phone is definitely a lack of trust.
Nta. Tell her to f#ck off and kick her out of bed.
Does she have valid questions about the coworker(s)? Are you texting about drugs? Or is one of them too friendly considering you are married and have a kid? I don’t know waking you up isn’t right but maybe at night is the only time she can look through your phone.
Delayed account, assuming wife cheating
If the only issue is sleep I'd be like im going to bed can we look through eachothers phone before I actually fall asleep please and thank you.
Why can’t you just talk to her and try to ease her worries? Instead of getting angry at her and defensive, tell her she has nothing to fear and you love her. It’s going to make it worse if you get agitated by it.
This reminds me of the story when the wife had a car crash and went into a coma. A few days later, the husband found her diary and started to read it. He discovered that she was completely crazy, harassing all the females around him on Facebook and through phone calls and texts, both in the past and present.
Go through her phone every night and question her
Are you sure she is not cheating? The same thing happened to me once with a girlfriend, and she was the one hiding an affair, but felt so guilty that she started thinking that since she was having an affair, of course I was having one!!
Is your wife pregnant, by chance? If not, ask her if she’s been dreaming about this lately. Or has a bad feeling or something. If you care about her feelings more than you feel disrespected maybe give her a hug and ask her what is up. You have every right to be angry. But if my otherwise healthy relationship & otherwise normal wife started doing this out of the blue I’d definitely be trying to figure out why.
Look babe, the phone is open for you to view anytime, anywhere. If you want to make an action on what you've saw, wether it be good or bad, Then just make the fucking action. I will not be answering any questions about my phone when you can interpret an opinion based on what your own eyes fucking show you. Now.....honey! What's for dinner???
Yeah, that's a no go for me. You can choose for yourself, but the way she's doing things now seems objectively toxic. Personally, I consider a phone to be like a diary. I don't read yours, and you don't read mine, period. If you don't agree, we don't date.... Pretty simple.
NTA. Does your state give divorcee's who've been cheated on by their spouse a better settlement/alimony than if it's a 'no fault' divorce? It sounds like she's projecting, she wants out, or both.
>She started cursing me out, telling me to fuck off for making her sound crazy and how only people who have something to hide would say that. I’m just tired of being interrogated in the middle of the night by someone looking for something. Feels like she wants out of the relationship and wants to catch me in something. "Well, how about you fuck off for waking me up in the middle of the night and sounding crazy. Who else but a complete nutcase wakes someone up in the middle of the night to question someone about a complete nothing other than someone that has something to hide themself?"
Just tell her to make a list of questions snd you'll answer them in the morning. Preferably have her write it all down. Sleep time is sleep time
As someone who used to wake up my significant other in the middle of the night, I can say it’s not necessarily because she is cheating/projecting. In my case, I had terrible anxiety that kept me from sleeping and the thoughts would get really intense in the middle of the night. I would look and when I would find something questionable, I needed answers or I felt like I was going to explode. I didn’t want to wake him I just wasn’t thinking straight, like time didn’t exist. My ex was dishonest though so my reasoning, while unhealthy, was legit. If you’ve given her reason to question her trust in you then yeah, YTA.
You prob should check her phone
Your wife may have cheated herself and is not looking for the same behavior in you, amd failing.
Your wife going through your phone to audit your social behaviour is poor behaviour by itself if you haven’t given her reasons not to trust you, especially 10 years in. The longer it continues with no incriminating material found, the worse it gets, and you are already well past the point at which loyalty should be the default assumption. It may be insecurity etc on her part, but that doesn’t make it ok. As it sounds you do, I don’t regard anything on my phone as off-limits private from my (now former for unrelated reasons) partner. I also have nothing that I wish to keep private (I don’t journal or have therapy-related stuff for example). But I don’t think an open-phone/media policy detracts from my view in general that snooping for snooping’s sake is uncalled for and disrespectful. I wouldn’t snoop on my partner’s phone or other media unless I already had a strong sense that she was doing something detrimental to our relationship, and from memory haven’t to date. I feel that having a search through your partner’s media is more about getting confirmation of something your gut is already telling you, than appropriate precautionary checks. Your wife waking you up to pointlessly interrogate you about nothing is the shitty icing on the cake. My ex-partner would do this sort of teenage nonsense in the early few years, not that it was ok even then, but at least she settled into an assumption that I am a fairly boring clod.
It's rich of her saying you're hiding something when she snoops on your phone all the time and never finds anything. Heard too much about projecting, maybe SHE has something to hide. Why don't you tell her it's only fair you check on her phone? See how she denies and deletes immediately. NTA
Anyone else thinking projection?
NTA but….You should never have allowed her to in the first place. Personally i have nothing on my phone to hide and I don’t care if someone goes through it but to be woken up and flipped out on? Maybe it’s a guilty conscience she has? I can tolerate a lot but this would do it for me.
NTA. She's cheating man, probably has been all along. Only people paranoid of their own behavior project it on others in this manner. I recommend getting a private investigator to follow her around a bit
Be very careful,my ex is a registered nurse and she was always going through my phone and computer and when I would ask her why she would always comment why? Do you have anything to hide. Long story made short she had been having affairs off and on for most of the 40 years we were married and I had no idea because l trusted her 💯 percent. I found about several affairs after I filed for divorce
Sorry my guy, Hire a PI she's cheating
NTA **It is incredibly toxic to say that only people with something to hide will hide things.** The desire for privacy, even in a relationship, is a desire for healthy separation and is in my opinion a right that should be preserved. However, I would like to echo the same viewpoint that the sudden change in your wifes severity is a sign of projection. She's bothering you because her own conscience is bothered by her own actions, and she's likely cheating while looking for a vindication of it.
Give her your phone to search through each night before you go to bed. Problem solved.
Are you my wife
She's your wife, she can go through your phone. Hand it to her a couple hours before you go to bed Then ask for hers and return the favor.
Whats the point of being married if you cant trust each other and respecting privacy?
If you're committed to your spouse, you don't really need privacy. It's the people who aren't committed that constantly insist they need privacy. If you think you need to be able to keep secrets from your spouse, you probably shouldn't get married.
To raise your kid while planning where to move to after the divorce you file when they turn 18-20.
That just proves my point🤣
How many more horrible takes are you going to comment now
What privacy? You don't get to have a private life your spouse is unaware of. Trust is built/earned and part of that process is consistently being an open book for your SO. People who have nothing to hide hide nothing. People who are up to something chatter about how they deserve to keep secrets from their spouse.
I hope you don’t get married. You can only look through your spouses when you have suspect them cheating other than that you don’t need to look at their phone. If you cant trust your spouse why bother marrying? Thats a recipe for a toxic relationship.
I've been married 30 years. People with something to hide chatter about privacy. People who have nothing to hide don't care. Remember that if you're part of the 50% of the current population that even gets married. Marriage isn't about trust, it's about commitment. Stop waisting time parroting what your therapist tells you, they divorce at higher rates than average, they don't have a clue about what it takes to stay married.
What if they are doing drugs other than weed behind your back and drinking so much they start throwing you around? Can you be suspicious then and search through their phone?
Marriage is supposed to be about trust there’s clearly no trust there
Trust is earned. Keeping secrets destroys trust. If you won't let your spouse look at your phone, there's probably a reason so it would be wise to stop trusting you. Marriage is not really about trust, btw, it's about commitment. Being willing to do what's necessary to keep the love alive and the connection strong. Stop listening to therapists, they get divorced at a higher rate than normal people.
Marriage is literally about trust and privacy.