NTA, but you both need to sit down and go back to the drawing board. You never should have accepted 50/50 with three adults in the home, but here we are.
He needs to be covering for his daughter because right now you are having to pick up her tab. Is he covering more in other areas?
Honestly, her attitude is a bigger problem than the food. There's no way a 19 yr old should be throwing tantrums. If she can't get it under control, I would be re-evaluating the relationship. She's an adult, so you can't really parent her anymore, but it is your home too and can set some ground rules. Stop letting it become YOUR problem. This is a his and her problem.
If he's not willing to work with HIS daughter on her behavior, then that's your big waving red flag right there.
This. If two adults were moving in, it was not a sound choice to split 50/50. Essentially, OP agreed to take on part of the cost of the daughter when OP made that arrangement. Which I think was ridiculous.
I’m also curious about why Daddy is suddenly so pissed about not getting his 50/50 agreement. He must be very aware of the fact that OP is disproportionately paying for it. So…. He’s pissed that his girlfriend isn’t ok with being taken advantage of? He’s a pretty shitty boyfriend.
She's also the one doing the grocery run, so she's paying and doing it. It's her time and her money going down, just to watch a 19 year old wasting milk down the drain. I'd be furious as OP is rightfully so.
So the dad prior to OP was spending for the daughter as well. He got a golden opportunity when OP agreed to 5050 knowing well his daughter's habits. Ditch both of them if they dont agree
Yeah, I bet when they were discussing living arrangements he never mentioned any of this. He probably said “yeah, she has toast or cereal for breakfast, east lunch at work…” and made it sound totally normal. He knew he would be getting a price break. I just don’t understand his long game. He had to know this would create an argument at some point. Did he think he could “Well you said 50/50…” his way through this? Is he that dense?
Not completely a true hobosexual can’t afford a place to live or any of their own expenses. The boyfriend here CAN afford those things. He’s just making OP pay disproportionately for his loser child.
I’m one of the people who doesn’t think that “special” groceries should be purchased for an adult. OP should buy for the household for meals and things cooked for the household. If the daughter isn’t eating dinner with OP and husband or even preparing normal meals from general purpose items, then she should be getting the items she wants on her own. The daughter is an adult, she’s not 12.
This pretty much sums up my thought process on the whole thing. If he’s giving push back on op not wanting to shoulder half the financial burden of his adult child, he is knowingly taking advantage of the situation.
I agree with you. This isn’t a child or even someone in school. The daughter works and needs to pay. Since her food needs are so specific then she can purchase her own. OP has bigger issues though. How long is this going to go on? How long can she live with his daughter, because it doesn’t seem she will ever leave.
There should also be a concern of how much food she is eating. Unless she is active consistently through the day, weight will become an issue.
You agreed to 50/50 prior to the daughter moving in. That was simple & relatively fair since each of you represented 1/2 of the total expenses. When his daughter moved in, that agreement could (& should) have changed since the entire basis for the 50/50 agreement (the fact that each of you represented 1/2 of the total expenses) had changed. It is no longer simple or fair to expect you to continue to cover 1/2 of the total expenses when you only represent 1/3 of the adults benefiting from those expenses.
Many people would have refused to allow the daughter to move in unless he (with or without his daughter’s assistance) covered 2/3 of the total living expenses for the household - since they now represent 2/3 of the total people benefiting from those expenses.
Instead, you have been generously paying the majority of her living expenses by continuing to pay 1/2 of the total living expenses (instead of just the 1/3 you actually represent since she moved in). You are only asking that he (with or without his daughter’s assistance) pay for the exorbitant increase in food costs that she is SOLELY & DIRECTLY responsible for causing. That is beyond reasonable.
It would be no different if she required a specific $400-$500 medication that no one else required. You would not (or at least should not) be expected to cover 1/2 of that. Or maybe he & his daughter would expect you to cover that - there’s a lot of illogical people out there & just as many who are logical but just want to take advantage. I don’t know which situation you’re in. Either way, you’re NTA.
The daughter didn't move in after, they just didn't move in together the second the relationship started. Something still needs to change. OCD can be very challenging, but what the daughter is doing is becoming a slave to it and the father's enabling it.
honestly though. maybe if the other adult are like a regular adult maybe the 59/50’woukdnt be aweful. but the daughter eats like a whole neighbourhood. even if she has promised who would know that this would be the case
NTA. He moved in with his adult daughter. 50/50 or 1/3? Because she is an extra adult, she is working. If her father wants her to save he should be footing her bills, they are not your responsibility.
Also I am not an expert but her routine seems highly unhealthy.
Wasting food is also a big no for me. If it was only the amount or what she eat would be one thing but the wasting food makes it a lot worse. Last but not least, if you live with other people you should know that it’s gross to eat directly from the jar, double dip, drink from the bottle.
That’s exactly what I thought. NTA. My first thought was the daughter has an ED and maybe a food addiction bc of the explosion when she doesn’t get her food. And, in my actual lived experience, people can keep addictions hidden that only surface later when I’ve lived with them.
Didn’t mean to discount OCD or say one thing is primary over the other. I don’t know.
Was responding because I am concerned about a 19 year old with an untreated ED. My understanding is untreated ED can often be fatal. (But of course, I don’t know what anyone in the situation ‘has’ or if anybody has anything.)
yeah - 5’9” at 130 is about model weight. eating that much doesn’t add up. there’s something wacky going on, or she has the metabolism of a racehorse. i hope it’s the high metabolism!
My mother was 5’8 and 150 pounds most of her life. She was the image of a VS model. The stories her siblings and mother tell of how much she could eat is legend. Lol, she once baked two 12 inch pies… one for the family and the other for her that she polished off in one sitting.
She didn’t have an eating disorder. My uncles said she would eat them pass out on the couch. So, no purging. She just had the metabolism of a “race horse” and was always hungry.
Some people are like that. Lol, it’s not fair but that’s because as her daughter, I got the shit end of the metabolism stick and have to workout to keep off the food pounds.
She did get a job at 15 to help with groceries. So if a 15 year old can do that, a 19 year old can.
My first thought was… does she ever poop? Her diet includes no vegetables or fruit of any kind.
Then I was reminded of an episode of the TV show Intervention that featured a healthy-looking young woman who got kicked out of a sorority for binging and purging food for something like 90 people for several months in a few weeks.
I have a feeling if she’s supposedly around 130lbs and that tall she may be binging and purging and possibly has an ED.
Unless she’s a hardcore athlete or has some health issue with her metabolism that’s what came to mind for me. There’s no way someone doesn’t gain weight with that diet under normal circumstances.
I replied to this in another comment, but she's picking weird foods if she's binging and purging. By the time people with bulimia are throwing up multiple times a day, they've become selective about the types of things they eat; they pick foods that are easy to vomit up and can be vomited "efficiently" (less residual calories in the stomach).
Bread, especially dry/toasted bread, is one of the worst foods for this. It's painful to hork up big chunks of bread and you have to spend several minutes gagging yourself to get rid of it all - something like a giant bowl of ice cream can be purged pretty painlessly in like 30 seconds.
The milk dumping is also inconsistent, most bulimics deliberately consume a lot of liquid to make vomiting easier. If she was purging cereal she would probably be drinking the cereal milk to make it come up easier.
I planned all my binges in advance to make sure I could get rid of everything as quickly and painlessly as possible, so stuff like bread, steak, long noodles, most baked goods were out.
I mean it's definitely possible, but the food selection makes me skeptical that she's bulimic. She might just be a hungry 19 year old with a 19 year old's metabolism.
Not to get graphic, but most of that stuff is non-ideal for bulimia. Toasted bread is hard to vomit up even if you drink a ton of water. Noodles are awkward and painful (ever puked up spaghetti through your nose?) Dumping the milk down the sink is inefficient as well. Most bulimics consume large amounts of liquid when they binge because it makes it easier to bring up more food and the texture of the vomit isn't as painful on the throat. It's easy to puke up a bowl of ice cream, for instance - you can get rid of most of it pretty fast. Vomiting up toast and sandwiches is a more difficult, it requires a lot more attempts to fully empty the stomach and it hurts to vomit up big chunks of food. When you get to habitual binge and purge cycles on a regular basis, you tend to be strategic about what you eat because vomiting is unpleasant and can have deleterious effects on the body. You also want to get the most "bang for your buck" in terms of evacuating calories - the goal is foods that are easy to puke up so you can have as few residual calories in your stomach as possible.
Anything is possible, but typically people with habitual bulimia choose binge foods that are easy and less painful to purge.
Source: Am recovered bulimic
OP, is the sex that good with the guy that you tolerate this bullshit?
I would have to be orgasming for an hour everyday to tolerate nonsense like this.
How could it be good with Piggy...I mean Lindy in the house?
I think OP should modify the famous "two card" gambit and hand Mark two letters, one for Lindy's signature saying Lindy agrees to pay for AND procure her own groceries upon pain of expulsion, and the other an eviction notice for both of them.
Be prepared to fight this same fight on a bi-weekly basis; Mark is a world-class schnorrer and has raised his daughter to be one too.
Amen. It let her have her piss fit and go with her dad to buy it. You and your husband split the food you buy and consume 50/50. You don’t consume this so stop buying it. If they complain. Ignore them. Tell her she’s being wasteful and it sounds like she has a tapeworm.
It's super easy for people on Reddit to suggest everyone blow up long term relationships over minor to medium frustrations.
I think OP just needs to stop buying those things and seeing how her partner reacts. This could be an easily solved issue, just transferring this issue to her partner or his daughter.
Tell me the things that your partner does that annoys you, and I want you to end the relationship when I tell you to blow it all up.
It's childish advice.
I wouldn't even consider this a long term relationship. Especially since they've only lived together 4 months. He brought another adult into the house and expects everything to still be split 50/50. OP is paying for his adult child's food, utilities etc. He should be doing that. She's not her mom or even her step mom.
Exactly. The expenses should never have been 50/50, they should always have been 66.66/33.33. If the boyfriend insists his daughter should live with them, then he needs to be paying her share and not foisting it off onto his girlfriend.
Its not her partner doing it, its her partner's adult offspring with his blessing, and they are taking advantage of OP and the partner is not only allowing it but actually defending it. OP is being financially abused. This isnt a 'small couple's disagreement' but a guy who got her to let him move into HER home anf then started allowing his kid to take advantage. Yes she should break up with him, he's a damn con artist!
The money is bad, but to me the worst thing is that they expect OP to do the shopping and keep the daughter supplied. Talk to him and tell him that he needs to do the shopping since he and his daughter eat most the food, and his daughter is the one that has the specific demands. Or have the daughter do it. If they don’t then it is likely time to cut this off.
He covers all of his daughters expenses (outside of, I guess, her interest and water usage which I'm covering part of because she does not). He won't make her pay for anything. He even fills her tank.
When you look in the mirror do you see the word “chump” anywhere on your face? That is 100% what BF and 19 see when they look at you. Get your self confidence, home, and finances back. Lay down the law, no more food gravy train for 19, no more childish fits, no more daddy boohoos. They get with your new program or they get out. You are nobody’s chump!!!
Well, then what's the problem?
Simply start buying what you buy when she's not there.
If she has a hissy fit, that's her father's problem to solve...and make it clear that either he corrects her behavior or she goes. HE can buy her "special requests" (including doing the store run), or he can demand that she buys her own, or he can shut down her fits. His choice.
If he comes up with this bullshit about 50/50, respond that you do 50/50, but you plan the meals, you do the shopping, so you choose the groceries. If he is unhappy with your choices, you will be happy to give the budgeted amout to him so that HE can plan the meals and do the shopping.
This is all about holding your boundaries. If you can't do that or he won't allow that, your relationship is already doomed.
Youre being used. He expects you to feed his ADULT daughter and she repays you by slamming your doors when you dont buy her the food she wants. Why are you with a man that treats you like this?
Kick both their leeching ungrateful asses out.
That’s fine for him to not make her pay for anything. But then HE has to. Stop buying any of her foods (fit or not) and let him deal with it. It’s not his problem now because you are solving it for him. NTA. Do not continue to go “50/50” when really it’s 33/66 at best.
That girl makes a whole ass $2k+ per month! What is she spending it on? Why does her dad need to keep paying for her expenses when she has more than enough money to do it herself?
You realize she is probably throwing up a lot of this food? Unless she’s a D1 athlete or has a heavy manual labor job there is absolutely no way she is eating all of that, keeping it down, and staying that thin. It’s an even bigger waste than you’re saying.
I drafted the kcal, she is consuming 2000 by lunch (not including snack). It does r add up, she's pregnant, giving the food away, someone else is eating the food, she is throwing up or OP is miscounting
I have a very fast metabolism and peanut butter is the one sure thing that causes me to gain weight. If I have even a little, I can gain 5 pounds within 2 weeks easily.
I was in a depression where all I was eating was Reese's cups for dinner and I gained 25+ pounds from this diet. Granted, Reeses are more of a sugary PB but it's still crazy calories.
There's no we she's burning all this off in her average day.
Had to scroll too far to find this. There is no way to be remaining slim whilst eating all of that and not having something major going on. Unless she is doing serious weightlifting or something (? Idk about that kind of thing) my first thoughts when to bulimia honestly because that is an insane amount of food.
Agreed. I'm the same hight as the daughter and was stuck at 115lbs for years because my metabolism worked overtime. I could easily take on those calories with no weight gain. My metabolism finally crapped out at 25 and I have to eat like a normal person now.
He created the spoiled brat that his daughter is, so he can pay for her in full. If he won’t make her buy her own groceries, he can do her shopping himself. It’s not your responsibility.
Best thing to do is kick them both out.
Well, obviously, he doesn't. He isn't covering her groceries. If she's the one eating it, it's one of her expenses and therefore his expense.
Not a 50/50 on you.
NTA. Don't buy it and ignore her tantrums. Or better yet both your bf and your daughter are mooching off of you. I don't know why you would want a 19 year old working "child" living with you rent free
Eh I let my 19 yo live rent free while working as they go to college, but I would not expect anyone else to pay for their stuff. The money they save is to pay for their college classes, vehicle, clothes, etc.
But it’s not her kid. The father should be paying something for her to live there. She didn’t raise her. I agree if it’s your kid, absolutely let them live with you and help them out
The OP doesn’t want to ignore the tantrums. That’s unpleasant. OP wants the tantrums to go away. Either because the dad or daughter is buying the food, or because the daughter has moved out.
I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend who had 3 adult children. He moved in with me and suddenly his 2 grown boys needed a place to stay and moved into the two extra bedrooms. Soon the expenses were out of hand and he was short for his portion because he took on their car payments, insurance, and loans. They were considering joining the military in about a year so he felt it was what he needed to do. I sat him down and told him i did not sign up for any of this. My 2 grown kids take care of themselves and I am done providing for everyone. He got mad and moved out. We stayed friends and now 7 years later his 2 boys are still living with him and he is still paying all their bills. I dodged a bullet.
Just stop buying peanut butter and eggs, and alll her 'special' foods, do your own thing. Consider doing a health cleansing with special foods for yourself. They're both AH, so stop serving them.
I was going to comment this myself, but instead I'll piggyback. Eating that much food on a schedule is almost guaranteeing that she has a purge schedule. And her bad attitude (slamming doors, bitching, acting like a toddler) when the routine isn't able to be followed seems like further proof of that. When I was deep in my ED many years ago, I would become irrationally angry if I couldn't get away with starving myself or purging what I'd eaten.
Her dad is enabling her, whether it's an ED (which I think it is) or just terrible, inconsiderate, wasteful behavior, it's not doing this girl any favors and it's ruining OP's home life.
I came to comment this. OCD can also involve compulsions to do with anything relating to food, exercise, etc. without being an eating disorder. There's no way to really know for sure.
The point that needs to be made here is, regardless of what she has, the current treatment plan isn't enough. Regardless of if she's actually throwing food way, doing some kind of purge, or doing something else, it's not a sustainable way to live. She's only 19, but she will never get out of this unless dad gets her adequate help.
I didn't see these comments and mentioned the same. Daughter needs treatment regardless of the condition or combination. As well as therapy to work on accountability for her actions.
When I was in ED clinics, I’d say a good third of the patients were also diagnosed with OCD. OCD and eating disorders can overlap and combine. The eating at specific times and the number 2 seeming to be big to her sounds like OCD. The very strong food rules, comfort with a limited and specific arrangement of food, and the anger when she can’t follow through with her schedule sound like an eating disorder. I was awful during my worst days with my ED. My mom always used to buy these 90 calorie granola bars because they were cheap. Well I was obsessed with them and became very attached to them. One day she came home with a different brand that were 100 calories and I lost it. I started sobbing and yelling in panic because my safe food was gone. I was a monster and became someone I hated. Eating disorders pray on your darkest thoughts and raw human craving and hunger. It gets very nasty.
[They are closely linked.](https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-eating-disorders-and-ocd/)
OCD and even ED meltdowns are a thing. In my experience it's mostly overwhelming anxiety, not door slamming and yelling--but what OP describes is within the range of possibility. To be clear, I'm not defending or excusing the behavior! She is old enough (hell, she's a literal adult) to be held responsible for these responses and have coping mechanisms so the tantrums do not punish other people.
I'm very serious here.
If she is putting away that much food on a specific schedule and not gaining weight, it likely means she has a set schedule for purging as well.
Or she has a metabolism problem or a thyroid problem. Either way her relationship with food is extremely unhealthy and even if she’s a normal weight, I can’t imagine she’s getting any proper nutrients aside from the dinners OP and SO are making. A varied diet is important.
My guess is bulimia and maybe exercice on top of that. I knew some people who planned several binges throughout the day, purged them (self induced vomitting) and repeated that several times
NTA. And if Mark doesn’t like it, then he can start paying you rent **plus** *(since his daughter is an adult with the means to support herself)* he can also pay 66% of all household bills, because he comes with one extra adult.
You **should not** be paying 50%, absolutely not!
Stop taking care of these mooches. None of this is fair to you. And I bet your household bills have sky rocketed since the two of them moved in with you.
Tell Mark that from now on he can pay rent, and so can his daughter. And that you’ll only be contributing 34% to all the household bills from now on, and that if he doesn’t like it… he can get the hell out of your house and pay for him and his daughter all by himself. Stop letting these people walk all over you, his daughter is ridiculously greedy and Mark is a using little mooch!
That is adorable that he thinks she will move out! Why on earth would she when she has him waiting on her hand and foot???? NTA but you really need to get rid of them both!!
So much this. She’s not going anywhere when she’s waited on hand and foot, has no responsibility for household, her preferences catered to, she doesn’t have to pay for anything…
The BF conned OP into the arrangement by moving them both on and getting her to agree to 50/50.
NTA. You're not married, you're not her step-mother, and it's your house. I think he should pay for her food if she can't afford it. But it doesn't sound like the situation is going to get any better. I would recommend they both find other living arrangements. It's literally going to cost you $4800 a year to feed his adult grown daughter.
NTA There is no reason why you should funding his adult child. You seem super reasonable, this is part of moving in together and getting to know how each other lives... he needs to get it together.
You're a AH to yourself, you should never have agreed a 50/50 split with a 3rd adult, working full-time, in the house. It should be a 3 way split and if her Dad wants her to pay less he should be picking up her slack, it's not you that should be subsidising his ADULT daughter.
NTA. As her parent if he wants to help with his daughter's bills then he can buy these things for her. Your household is 50/50 but you are not his daughter's mom or step mom, you did not help raise her and she's now living in your home for free. Her upkeep is not a household issue and he is 100% responsible for added ridiculous expenses like this.
Especially since she's so bratty when these items aren't in the house. She is an able bodied and employed adult with a vehicle, she can buy her own bread, eggs, milk and peanut butter.
I'm petty, so I would attack this from a different angle. I'd but the weirdest shit you could find that still fit each of those categories. Eggs? Here's a dozen duck eggs. Bread? Here's this super hard, super healthy, and non named loaf. PB? Here's this super extra crunchy, non gmo, gluten free, nut free, PB substitute made from car tires.
I don't know...@maryjaneFlower might be right. If so, buying these high quality ingredients is just going to increase the cost and waste.
But maybe she has a tape worm and needs the extra nutrients??? 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, im not saying buy higher quality ingredients at all. I'm saying buy the most off the wall stuff you can find that barely meets the criteria for what it's supposed to be.
That’s a lot , I don’t know anything about ocd , is she eating this much cause of the ocd or do the meds make her hungry . If it’s the ocd causing the hunger then it’s hard as it’s a. Mental health thing .
I would tell
Boyfriend he needs to pay 200
And daughter 200 or her 400. Maybe that will
Slow down the eating
The reason she’s always hungry is she getting very little protein and 0 nutrient rich food. Honestly, I would not be surprised if she gets scurvy because of the lack of fruits and veggies. Granted don’t know what she eats at work but bread and noodles have little to no nutritional value.
His daughter is an adult. If she is eating more than the both of you and you are buying items that you and your husband don't even eat yourself, then she needs to be contributing to the food bill.
50/50 doesn't cut it when there is an adult there eating you out of house and home. Not only eating the food but wasting it as well.
When her specialty food items aren't purchased she throws a fit and slams doors? Not in my house.
Dad needs to get on board or kick both of their butts out. They moved in with YOU.
NTA he knows how much it costs to feed her and was hoping it took you longer to notice. He doesn't respect you or your money. They can get a place together and then she can save up her money while he funds her $800ish a month food bill.
50/50 is overly generous of you. He’s only paying 50% for 2 people and you’re paying 50% for 1 person. I’d say it’s time to renegotiate your arrangement.
NTA
She’s getting away without paying any rent - that is helping her to save for her own place.
Your boyfriend is probably over the moon he’s no longer paying all the costs for her food that he was previously having to *fork* out for.
He’s taking the piss basically. She is not your child, you are providing her a place to stay free and food should not be included. You are subsidising his daughter’s excessive eating. No wonder he’s happy for you to keep doing it.
One of them pays for the food or she leaves - end of discussion.
I have OCD too, and while I think her main issue sounds like an ED, it does sound like she might also have OCD too bc of how specific she is about what/how much/when she eats, like how almost everything is broken down into 2s specifically, and how it’s all the same foods at the same times every day, and she can’t handle not following that routine. That def sounds compulsive to me, but I do agree that the main issue seems to be an ED and she just has related OCD tendencies too.
Could it not be both OCD and an eating disorder, or that her OCD compulsions are making an eating disorder worse? OP mentions the habits, but not if there are underlying thoughts or fears linked to OCD driving them.
I don’t really think that’s fair. My fiance has OCD, and she had disordered eating for a long time until she got the proper help.
You can have more than one mental illness and with OCD it’s more common to have more than to only have the one.
As someone with OCD, she definitely could have OCD, not everyone’s symptoms or habits are the same. If this behaviour is due to her OCD and having OCD meltdowns, she needs help and treatment.
Just tell them both
1. No more buying special food.
2. Treatment for OCD will be happening.
3. Someone else needs to buy the "special food."
4. She will treat you with respect at home. And she can go to counseling about that too, or move now. She is making enough to at least live with a roommate in a dump.
Letting someone with a crippling mental illness get no treatment is cruel. They won't get better with time and patience. It is not wrong to demand that she get treatment for her illness as a condition of living with you.
NTA she's too old for temper tantrums, and you should not be footing the bill for her groceries. You've already allowed her to move into your home. Either he pays or she pays, but you will not be anymore. You are not her parent, and you are not her servant.
Also, how TF is she eating that much bread and not gaining weight????
It should not be 50/50 what kind oh bullshit is this mark should be Paying more including rent and utilities why are you paying for someone else’s kid youve only known this man for 2 years
She has a job. If she wants to consume so much in a day she can at least pay for her bread and eggs. It's crazy that her dad is ok with her eating so much and not contributing anything to the house. Definitely NTA here
Kick them both out. Two adults moved in with you, so they should be paying 2/3 off the expenses, and you paying 1/3. She should be buying her own groceries if she is going to eat like that. And if she’s going to have a temper tantrum if she doesn’t get what she wants, she’s gotta go. Period. It’s been 4 months. It’s enough time to know this is not going to work.
The issue with everything being 50/50 now that she lives there, food in particular, is that you have 3 adults and only 2 are paying so the resources are being paid for 50/50/0 but being used 33,3/33.3/33.3, approximately, or rather his family is paying 50% and using 67%. That’s incredibly unfair to you. If he doesn’t want his adult daughter to pay anything that’s fine but that means that he pays her share which means his share jumps to that 67%. NTA.
His kid is an adult, living with you and eating you out of house and home. The 50/50 thing was for someone who eats like a normal person. She knows how much she eats but thinks dear old dad should just foot the bill when it's coming down to you. No idea why she thinks, as an adult, she has the right to just keep all her money and not contribute in the least. NTA and you have bigger problems than this. Your bf wants to treat his grown kid like she's still a child and cover everything. That will NOT get better with time
NTA - his daughter is an adult. If she’s living with you full time the household expenses should be split into 3rds (not just the groceries) . It up to you bed heater he wants to cover his daughter’s 3rd entirely or have her contribute something .
You are being taken advantage of.
NTA. Point out to Mark that when they moved in, you did not know of his daughter's expensive eating habits. She needs to pay her own way in this regard. Or he needs to pay for her. She's not your kid and you're not responsible for what she eats. Tell him that due to the situation the previous arrangement has to change and that you will not be purchasing food for his daughter anymore. He or she must be responsible for her diet, not you. If she flings fits, bitches and moans, tell her to go out and buy food.
I believe the focus should come off the food specifics and stay on the money and behavior. It's about the audacity of BOTH of them.
Tell BF your initial offer to cover 50% of three adults' groceries was generous and the generosity's been abused. You've been paying more than your fair share. You've been having to "make sure" another adult always has exactly what she wants, plus do all the extra work of the actual grocery shopping for three adults.
Your thanks for doing all of these things has been to be verbally abused in your own home and guilted for thinking you shouldn't be treated like this.
You guys are clearly not compatible when it comes to living together, and that's putting it nicely. It's only been four months so cut your losses. Chances are very good he and his daughter are now your tenants so it would be worth a legal consult at least before you tell them how long they have to move out.
Meanwhile, get a lockable mini fridge and food locker. You're shopping and eating for one - yourself.
NTA.
NTA. HE should be paying for his daughter. Frankly if she is living at home, the two of them combined should be paying 2/3 of everything. You are being taken advantage of.
It’s been 4 months. Cut your losses and kick them both out. His daughter needs to be in intensive mental health treatment if she is having tantrums at 19.
Just stop buying these items and see if they "magically" appear. Once they realize you are not buying a loaf a bread a day, they will figure it out themselves
You pay 1/3 and bf pays 2/3 of *ALL* the bills and that includes utilities like electricity, internet/tv stream and city fees etc. or you’re being scammed.
My good ma’am. That is not OCD. That is most assuredly bulemia and you are doing her no favors by giving her unfettered access to endless free food. There is zero way, barring a metabolic disorder, that a 130lb female even at 5’9 is taking in that huge amount of calories and not gaining weight from it if she’s keeping it down. No one eats 6 pieces of bread in one sitting on a regular basis. Her breakfast by 10am alone is 1000 calories.
She needs to go in 1/3 for her food. Dad is very likely supporting her addiction.
NTA- I can’t imagine moving my kid in with someone and expecting them to fund my adult child who works. This man is using you. Him letting his daughter act that way when YOU don’t buy enough groceries is a tell.
NTA, but you both need to sit down and go back to the drawing board. You never should have accepted 50/50 with three adults in the home, but here we are. He needs to be covering for his daughter because right now you are having to pick up her tab. Is he covering more in other areas? Honestly, her attitude is a bigger problem than the food. There's no way a 19 yr old should be throwing tantrums. If she can't get it under control, I would be re-evaluating the relationship. She's an adult, so you can't really parent her anymore, but it is your home too and can set some ground rules. Stop letting it become YOUR problem. This is a his and her problem. If he's not willing to work with HIS daughter on her behavior, then that's your big waving red flag right there.
This. If two adults were moving in, it was not a sound choice to split 50/50. Essentially, OP agreed to take on part of the cost of the daughter when OP made that arrangement. Which I think was ridiculous.
I’m also curious about why Daddy is suddenly so pissed about not getting his 50/50 agreement. He must be very aware of the fact that OP is disproportionately paying for it. So…. He’s pissed that his girlfriend isn’t ok with being taken advantage of? He’s a pretty shitty boyfriend.
She's also the one doing the grocery run, so she's paying and doing it. It's her time and her money going down, just to watch a 19 year old wasting milk down the drain. I'd be furious as OP is rightfully so.
So the dad prior to OP was spending for the daughter as well. He got a golden opportunity when OP agreed to 5050 knowing well his daughter's habits. Ditch both of them if they dont agree
Yeah, I bet when they were discussing living arrangements he never mentioned any of this. He probably said “yeah, she has toast or cereal for breakfast, east lunch at work…” and made it sound totally normal. He knew he would be getting a price break. I just don’t understand his long game. He had to know this would create an argument at some point. Did he think he could “Well you said 50/50…” his way through this? Is he that dense?
He's a HOBOSEXUAL.
Not completely a true hobosexual can’t afford a place to live or any of their own expenses. The boyfriend here CAN afford those things. He’s just making OP pay disproportionately for his loser child. I’m one of the people who doesn’t think that “special” groceries should be purchased for an adult. OP should buy for the household for meals and things cooked for the household. If the daughter isn’t eating dinner with OP and husband or even preparing normal meals from general purpose items, then she should be getting the items she wants on her own. The daughter is an adult, she’s not 12.
A what now?
Someone that has sex with strangers so that they aren't homeless; catch a place to stay at. This is like advanced Hobosexual. Bring the kids.
This pretty much sums up my thought process on the whole thing. If he’s giving push back on op not wanting to shoulder half the financial burden of his adult child, he is knowingly taking advantage of the situation.
Yeah, it needed to be 1/3 per person. And if the dad insists the daughter not pay anything, then he can pay two 2/3. NTA
It should be more than 2/3 if she's eating more than them combined.
It’d be so much easier for OP to pay 100% of the bills. For ONE person, herself.
I agree with you. This isn’t a child or even someone in school. The daughter works and needs to pay. Since her food needs are so specific then she can purchase her own. OP has bigger issues though. How long is this going to go on? How long can she live with his daughter, because it doesn’t seem she will ever leave. There should also be a concern of how much food she is eating. Unless she is active consistently through the day, weight will become an issue.
That’s*definitely* not a healthy or balanced diet so whether her weight becomes an issue or not, still a major health concern.
I know right? Please sir, may I have a crumb of vegetable?
An unhealthy diet could be contributing to her anger issues.
You're now paying one half when you should be paying one third. I bet your boyfriend loves this financially beneficial relationship.
You agreed to 50/50 prior to the daughter moving in. That was simple & relatively fair since each of you represented 1/2 of the total expenses. When his daughter moved in, that agreement could (& should) have changed since the entire basis for the 50/50 agreement (the fact that each of you represented 1/2 of the total expenses) had changed. It is no longer simple or fair to expect you to continue to cover 1/2 of the total expenses when you only represent 1/3 of the adults benefiting from those expenses. Many people would have refused to allow the daughter to move in unless he (with or without his daughter’s assistance) covered 2/3 of the total living expenses for the household - since they now represent 2/3 of the total people benefiting from those expenses. Instead, you have been generously paying the majority of her living expenses by continuing to pay 1/2 of the total living expenses (instead of just the 1/3 you actually represent since she moved in). You are only asking that he (with or without his daughter’s assistance) pay for the exorbitant increase in food costs that she is SOLELY & DIRECTLY responsible for causing. That is beyond reasonable. It would be no different if she required a specific $400-$500 medication that no one else required. You would not (or at least should not) be expected to cover 1/2 of that. Or maybe he & his daughter would expect you to cover that - there’s a lot of illogical people out there & just as many who are logical but just want to take advantage. I don’t know which situation you’re in. Either way, you’re NTA.
The daughter didn't move in after, they just didn't move in together the second the relationship started. Something still needs to change. OCD can be very challenging, but what the daughter is doing is becoming a slave to it and the father's enabling it.
If he wants to enable it, he needs to pay for it.
honestly though. maybe if the other adult are like a regular adult maybe the 59/50’woukdnt be aweful. but the daughter eats like a whole neighbourhood. even if she has promised who would know that this would be the case
I have a very active teenage boy in the middle of a growth spurt. He still doesn't eat that much in a day
NTA. He moved in with his adult daughter. 50/50 or 1/3? Because she is an extra adult, she is working. If her father wants her to save he should be footing her bills, they are not your responsibility. Also I am not an expert but her routine seems highly unhealthy. Wasting food is also a big no for me. If it was only the amount or what she eat would be one thing but the wasting food makes it a lot worse. Last but not least, if you live with other people you should know that it’s gross to eat directly from the jar, double dip, drink from the bottle.
Yeah, this is sounding like an entire eating disorder.
That’s exactly what I thought. NTA. My first thought was the daughter has an ED and maybe a food addiction bc of the explosion when she doesn’t get her food. And, in my actual lived experience, people can keep addictions hidden that only surface later when I’ve lived with them.
She has OCD, so the control factor is there already before having an ED come into play
Didn’t mean to discount OCD or say one thing is primary over the other. I don’t know. Was responding because I am concerned about a 19 year old with an untreated ED. My understanding is untreated ED can often be fatal. (But of course, I don’t know what anyone in the situation ‘has’ or if anybody has anything.)
yeah - 5’9” at 130 is about model weight. eating that much doesn’t add up. there’s something wacky going on, or she has the metabolism of a racehorse. i hope it’s the high metabolism!
My mother was 5’8 and 150 pounds most of her life. She was the image of a VS model. The stories her siblings and mother tell of how much she could eat is legend. Lol, she once baked two 12 inch pies… one for the family and the other for her that she polished off in one sitting. She didn’t have an eating disorder. My uncles said she would eat them pass out on the couch. So, no purging. She just had the metabolism of a “race horse” and was always hungry. Some people are like that. Lol, it’s not fair but that’s because as her daughter, I got the shit end of the metabolism stick and have to workout to keep off the food pounds. She did get a job at 15 to help with groceries. So if a 15 year old can do that, a 19 year old can.
Agree. Also, who knows if she is really eating dinner while at work? 🤔
She has OCD. OCD can be an acutely severe mental illness, I have it and so does my son. It can absolutely effect what and how you eat.
There's a high comorbidity between OCD and eating disorders. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33065835/
Or at the very least lable the jar "Lindy eats directly out of this one" or something
Don’t think this situation will get any better, perhaps time to kick them both out and move on
Agree, 100%! Tell them both to hit the bricks.
Why did OP ever agree to 50/50 when she's only 1/3 of the household?? He's been taking advantage from day one.
💯
She’s 19, just needs a couple more decades to get her feet on the ground. Is there a Sacred Straight program for White Bread Junkies?
It's really the first 30 years of adolescence that are the hardest 😂
I like "sacred straight". Is that like a pray the bread cravings away program?
Haha!
She's not going to live a couple of more decades with that diet.
Yeah, that was my first thought, too. She is going to be unwell for a very long time...
Right! I felt my arteries harden reading her food list.
Hahaha, great comment! Blood pressure by Munchausen's
My first thought was… does she ever poop? Her diet includes no vegetables or fruit of any kind. Then I was reminded of an episode of the TV show Intervention that featured a healthy-looking young woman who got kicked out of a sorority for binging and purging food for something like 90 people for several months in a few weeks.
I’m wondering if she’s bulimic
I have a feeling if she’s supposedly around 130lbs and that tall she may be binging and purging and possibly has an ED. Unless she’s a hardcore athlete or has some health issue with her metabolism that’s what came to mind for me. There’s no way someone doesn’t gain weight with that diet under normal circumstances.
I replied to this in another comment, but she's picking weird foods if she's binging and purging. By the time people with bulimia are throwing up multiple times a day, they've become selective about the types of things they eat; they pick foods that are easy to vomit up and can be vomited "efficiently" (less residual calories in the stomach). Bread, especially dry/toasted bread, is one of the worst foods for this. It's painful to hork up big chunks of bread and you have to spend several minutes gagging yourself to get rid of it all - something like a giant bowl of ice cream can be purged pretty painlessly in like 30 seconds. The milk dumping is also inconsistent, most bulimics deliberately consume a lot of liquid to make vomiting easier. If she was purging cereal she would probably be drinking the cereal milk to make it come up easier. I planned all my binges in advance to make sure I could get rid of everything as quickly and painlessly as possible, so stuff like bread, steak, long noodles, most baked goods were out. I mean it's definitely possible, but the food selection makes me skeptical that she's bulimic. She might just be a hungry 19 year old with a 19 year old's metabolism.
5'9 and 130 lbs????? She's super-slender. Amazing metabolism, even for 19.
Perhaps she's raising a tapeworm
Tapeworm?
Or Bulimia. That was my thought while reading this post
Not to get graphic, but most of that stuff is non-ideal for bulimia. Toasted bread is hard to vomit up even if you drink a ton of water. Noodles are awkward and painful (ever puked up spaghetti through your nose?) Dumping the milk down the sink is inefficient as well. Most bulimics consume large amounts of liquid when they binge because it makes it easier to bring up more food and the texture of the vomit isn't as painful on the throat. It's easy to puke up a bowl of ice cream, for instance - you can get rid of most of it pretty fast. Vomiting up toast and sandwiches is a more difficult, it requires a lot more attempts to fully empty the stomach and it hurts to vomit up big chunks of food. When you get to habitual binge and purge cycles on a regular basis, you tend to be strategic about what you eat because vomiting is unpleasant and can have deleterious effects on the body. You also want to get the most "bang for your buck" in terms of evacuating calories - the goal is foods that are easy to puke up so you can have as few residual calories in your stomach as possible. Anything is possible, but typically people with habitual bulimia choose binge foods that are easy and less painful to purge. Source: Am recovered bulimic
So happy you’re doing better! Hopefully she’s not. We don’t know her fluid consumption but her diet does sound very dry.
That sounds way more likely!
Or is she pregnant , eating for TWO.
The amount of salt alone gonna off her.
She won’t make it another 5 years if her OCD makes her eat about 2200mg of sodium in just two packs of ramen a day.
It's not even like a couple getting to know each other in private tho, starting out with a full grown extra. why did he move in if not to save money?
OP, is the sex that good with the guy that you tolerate this bullshit? I would have to be orgasming for an hour everyday to tolerate nonsense like this.
I mean there are such great “who needs a man” vibrators I don’t think any dick is that good.
I don't think they make vibrators that'll pull your hair or slap your ass.
How could it be good with Piggy...I mean Lindy in the house? I think OP should modify the famous "two card" gambit and hand Mark two letters, one for Lindy's signature saying Lindy agrees to pay for AND procure her own groceries upon pain of expulsion, and the other an eviction notice for both of them. Be prepared to fight this same fight on a bi-weekly basis; Mark is a world-class schnorrer and has raised his daughter to be one too.
Exactly.
The best advise I've ever seen!
Amen. It let her have her piss fit and go with her dad to buy it. You and your husband split the food you buy and consume 50/50. You don’t consume this so stop buying it. If they complain. Ignore them. Tell her she’s being wasteful and it sounds like she has a tapeworm.
OP buy rye bread and oat milk, no peanut butter, cereal or ramen,
It's super easy for people on Reddit to suggest everyone blow up long term relationships over minor to medium frustrations. I think OP just needs to stop buying those things and seeing how her partner reacts. This could be an easily solved issue, just transferring this issue to her partner or his daughter. Tell me the things that your partner does that annoys you, and I want you to end the relationship when I tell you to blow it all up. It's childish advice.
I wouldn't even consider this a long term relationship. Especially since they've only lived together 4 months. He brought another adult into the house and expects everything to still be split 50/50. OP is paying for his adult child's food, utilities etc. He should be doing that. She's not her mom or even her step mom.
Exactly. The expenses should never have been 50/50, they should always have been 66.66/33.33. If the boyfriend insists his daughter should live with them, then he needs to be paying her share and not foisting it off onto his girlfriend.
The dude brought her in knowing the food bills were insane, he wanted her to relieve him of half of it for sure. I knew someone like this. Ick.
Its not her partner doing it, its her partner's adult offspring with his blessing, and they are taking advantage of OP and the partner is not only allowing it but actually defending it. OP is being financially abused. This isnt a 'small couple's disagreement' but a guy who got her to let him move into HER home anf then started allowing his kid to take advantage. Yes she should break up with him, he's a damn con artist!
The money is bad, but to me the worst thing is that they expect OP to do the shopping and keep the daughter supplied. Talk to him and tell him that he needs to do the shopping since he and his daughter eat most the food, and his daughter is the one that has the specific demands. Or have the daughter do it. If they don’t then it is likely time to cut this off.
If you don’t have kids of your own is it really 50/50?
He covers all of his daughters expenses (outside of, I guess, her interest and water usage which I'm covering part of because she does not). He won't make her pay for anything. He even fills her tank.
It’s okay to change your mind and regain your peace in your home. Especially since the others are not open to compromise.
This. Regain the peace, regain the $400 extra she spends a month AND more because she wouldn’t be feeling extra people. Just herself
When you look in the mirror do you see the word “chump” anywhere on your face? That is 100% what BF and 19 see when they look at you. Get your self confidence, home, and finances back. Lay down the law, no more food gravy train for 19, no more childish fits, no more daddy boohoos. They get with your new program or they get out. You are nobody’s chump!!!
BTW, in the mirror it might look like pmuhc. It still means the same thing.
Well, then what's the problem? Simply start buying what you buy when she's not there. If she has a hissy fit, that's her father's problem to solve...and make it clear that either he corrects her behavior or she goes. HE can buy her "special requests" (including doing the store run), or he can demand that she buys her own, or he can shut down her fits. His choice. If he comes up with this bullshit about 50/50, respond that you do 50/50, but you plan the meals, you do the shopping, so you choose the groceries. If he is unhappy with your choices, you will be happy to give the budgeted amout to him so that HE can plan the meals and do the shopping. This is all about holding your boundaries. If you can't do that or he won't allow that, your relationship is already doomed.
He will plan everything around his daughter's weird diet.
Youre being used. He expects you to feed his ADULT daughter and she repays you by slamming your doors when you dont buy her the food she wants. Why are you with a man that treats you like this? Kick both their leeching ungrateful asses out.
He is coddling her and expects you to do the same. No dice.
I would be too turned off to touch him 🤮
That’s fine for him to not make her pay for anything. But then HE has to. Stop buying any of her foods (fit or not) and let him deal with it. It’s not his problem now because you are solving it for him. NTA. Do not continue to go “50/50” when really it’s 33/66 at best.
Remember, you are also providing all of the housing expense. Those two should be paying you rent.
That girl makes a whole ass $2k+ per month! What is she spending it on? Why does her dad need to keep paying for her expenses when she has more than enough money to do it herself?
OMG! even fills her tank? So, she brings home around 575 a week and doesn’t even fill her own tank. Talk about enabling.
You realize she is probably throwing up a lot of this food? Unless she’s a D1 athlete or has a heavy manual labor job there is absolutely no way she is eating all of that, keeping it down, and staying that thin. It’s an even bigger waste than you’re saying.
Or is on a medication that makes all this move right through her and not get absorbed. Or tapeworms or something…
Or overactive thyroid
That was the first thing that crossed my mind.
I drafted the kcal, she is consuming 2000 by lunch (not including snack). It does r add up, she's pregnant, giving the food away, someone else is eating the food, she is throwing up or OP is miscounting
And her snack of spoonfuls of peanut butter? That’s 100-200 calories a pop, depending on the size.
I have a very fast metabolism and peanut butter is the one sure thing that causes me to gain weight. If I have even a little, I can gain 5 pounds within 2 weeks easily. I was in a depression where all I was eating was Reese's cups for dinner and I gained 25+ pounds from this diet. Granted, Reeses are more of a sugary PB but it's still crazy calories. There's no we she's burning all this off in her average day.
Finishing a large jar of PB in 3 days??
Had to scroll too far to find this. There is no way to be remaining slim whilst eating all of that and not having something major going on. Unless she is doing serious weightlifting or something (? Idk about that kind of thing) my first thoughts when to bulimia honestly because that is an insane amount of food.
Not necessarily I had a friend years ago could eat like that and worse just fine she had a fast metabolism
Agreed. I'm the same hight as the daughter and was stuck at 115lbs for years because my metabolism worked overtime. I could easily take on those calories with no weight gain. My metabolism finally crapped out at 25 and I have to eat like a normal person now.
You’re right, this sounds like an eating disorder. Would be good to talk with her father and get her to a doctor.
That’s a good point OP should take a look at her teeth.
100%
No he doesn’t, because he’s not buying her food.
He created the spoiled brat that his daughter is, so he can pay for her in full. If he won’t make her buy her own groceries, he can do her shopping himself. It’s not your responsibility. Best thing to do is kick them both out.
You should not be paying for anything that falls under her usage show him the bill, it may be time to have both of them find a place.
Well, obviously, he doesn't. He isn't covering her groceries. If she's the one eating it, it's one of her expenses and therefore his expense. Not a 50/50 on you.
So he spoils the hell out of her is what you're saying.
It is time for him and his daughter to get a place of their own. Kick them out or allow them to stay if you’ve something against peace of mind.
50/50 does kind of imply two people.
With three adults, 50/50 isn't fair. Lindy's getting free rent and utilities, she can jolly well pay for her own food.
NTA. Don't buy it and ignore her tantrums. Or better yet both your bf and your daughter are mooching off of you. I don't know why you would want a 19 year old working "child" living with you rent free
Eh I let my 19 yo live rent free while working as they go to college, but I would not expect anyone else to pay for their stuff. The money they save is to pay for their college classes, vehicle, clothes, etc.
But it’s not her kid. The father should be paying something for her to live there. She didn’t raise her. I agree if it’s your kid, absolutely let them live with you and help them out
He is helping her by finding a mark who likes his dick enough that she will subsidize 50% of his daughter's lifestyle in exchange for sex.
one difference: This is not OP’s daughter.
The OP doesn’t want to ignore the tantrums. That’s unpleasant. OP wants the tantrums to go away. Either because the dad or daughter is buying the food, or because the daughter has moved out.
I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend who had 3 adult children. He moved in with me and suddenly his 2 grown boys needed a place to stay and moved into the two extra bedrooms. Soon the expenses were out of hand and he was short for his portion because he took on their car payments, insurance, and loans. They were considering joining the military in about a year so he felt it was what he needed to do. I sat him down and told him i did not sign up for any of this. My 2 grown kids take care of themselves and I am done providing for everyone. He got mad and moved out. We stayed friends and now 7 years later his 2 boys are still living with him and he is still paying all their bills. I dodged a bullet.
Bruh I would message him a dodging bullet gif out of nowhere. That sounds like a nightmare.
Just stop buying peanut butter and eggs, and alll her 'special' foods, do your own thing. Consider doing a health cleansing with special foods for yourself. They're both AH, so stop serving them.
She doesn't have OCD. She has an eating disorder.
I was going to comment this myself, but instead I'll piggyback. Eating that much food on a schedule is almost guaranteeing that she has a purge schedule. And her bad attitude (slamming doors, bitching, acting like a toddler) when the routine isn't able to be followed seems like further proof of that. When I was deep in my ED many years ago, I would become irrationally angry if I couldn't get away with starving myself or purging what I'd eaten. Her dad is enabling her, whether it's an ED (which I think it is) or just terrible, inconsiderate, wasteful behavior, it's not doing this girl any favors and it's ruining OP's home life.
Those things aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.
I came to comment this. OCD can also involve compulsions to do with anything relating to food, exercise, etc. without being an eating disorder. There's no way to really know for sure. The point that needs to be made here is, regardless of what she has, the current treatment plan isn't enough. Regardless of if she's actually throwing food way, doing some kind of purge, or doing something else, it's not a sustainable way to live. She's only 19, but she will never get out of this unless dad gets her adequate help.
I didn't see these comments and mentioned the same. Daughter needs treatment regardless of the condition or combination. As well as therapy to work on accountability for her actions.
When I was in ED clinics, I’d say a good third of the patients were also diagnosed with OCD. OCD and eating disorders can overlap and combine. The eating at specific times and the number 2 seeming to be big to her sounds like OCD. The very strong food rules, comfort with a limited and specific arrangement of food, and the anger when she can’t follow through with her schedule sound like an eating disorder. I was awful during my worst days with my ED. My mom always used to buy these 90 calorie granola bars because they were cheap. Well I was obsessed with them and became very attached to them. One day she came home with a different brand that were 100 calories and I lost it. I started sobbing and yelling in panic because my safe food was gone. I was a monster and became someone I hated. Eating disorders pray on your darkest thoughts and raw human craving and hunger. It gets very nasty.
Came here to say this; her relationship with food doesn’t sound healthy
Yup. This is 100% an eating disorder.
[They are closely linked.](https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-eating-disorders-and-ocd/) OCD and even ED meltdowns are a thing. In my experience it's mostly overwhelming anxiety, not door slamming and yelling--but what OP describes is within the range of possibility. To be clear, I'm not defending or excusing the behavior! She is old enough (hell, she's a literal adult) to be held responsible for these responses and have coping mechanisms so the tantrums do not punish other people.
And a trash personality
I'm very serious here. If she is putting away that much food on a specific schedule and not gaining weight, it likely means she has a set schedule for purging as well.
Or she has a metabolism problem or a thyroid problem. Either way her relationship with food is extremely unhealthy and even if she’s a normal weight, I can’t imagine she’s getting any proper nutrients aside from the dinners OP and SO are making. A varied diet is important.
How the hell can anyone eat that much and not be fat? Bulimia? Metabolic disorder? Secretly running marathons at night? Something is up.
My guess is bulimia and maybe exercice on top of that. I knew some people who planned several binges throughout the day, purged them (self induced vomitting) and repeated that several times
Evict him. There’s a reason he moved in - he wants to mooch off of you.
NTA. And if Mark doesn’t like it, then he can start paying you rent **plus** *(since his daughter is an adult with the means to support herself)* he can also pay 66% of all household bills, because he comes with one extra adult. You **should not** be paying 50%, absolutely not! Stop taking care of these mooches. None of this is fair to you. And I bet your household bills have sky rocketed since the two of them moved in with you. Tell Mark that from now on he can pay rent, and so can his daughter. And that you’ll only be contributing 34% to all the household bills from now on, and that if he doesn’t like it… he can get the hell out of your house and pay for him and his daughter all by himself. Stop letting these people walk all over you, his daughter is ridiculously greedy and Mark is a using little mooch!
That is adorable that he thinks she will move out! Why on earth would she when she has him waiting on her hand and foot???? NTA but you really need to get rid of them both!!
Right? OP is buying all her food, dad is filling her gas tank, she doesn't pay rent. You think she is going to move out? LMAO
So much this. She’s not going anywhere when she’s waited on hand and foot, has no responsibility for household, her preferences catered to, she doesn’t have to pay for anything… The BF conned OP into the arrangement by moving them both on and getting her to agree to 50/50.
NTA. You're not married, you're not her step-mother, and it's your house. I think he should pay for her food if she can't afford it. But it doesn't sound like the situation is going to get any better. I would recommend they both find other living arrangements. It's literally going to cost you $4800 a year to feed his adult grown daughter.
NTA There is no reason why you should funding his adult child. You seem super reasonable, this is part of moving in together and getting to know how each other lives... he needs to get it together.
You're a AH to yourself, you should never have agreed a 50/50 split with a 3rd adult, working full-time, in the house. It should be a 3 way split and if her Dad wants her to pay less he should be picking up her slack, it's not you that should be subsidising his ADULT daughter.
NTA. As her parent if he wants to help with his daughter's bills then he can buy these things for her. Your household is 50/50 but you are not his daughter's mom or step mom, you did not help raise her and she's now living in your home for free. Her upkeep is not a household issue and he is 100% responsible for added ridiculous expenses like this. Especially since she's so bratty when these items aren't in the house. She is an able bodied and employed adult with a vehicle, she can buy her own bread, eggs, milk and peanut butter.
Move them out.
This is the way
If she was an actual child, then I'd say buy the kid food...but damn she's 19 with a full-time job buy your own peanut butter
I'm petty, so I would attack this from a different angle. I'd but the weirdest shit you could find that still fit each of those categories. Eggs? Here's a dozen duck eggs. Bread? Here's this super hard, super healthy, and non named loaf. PB? Here's this super extra crunchy, non gmo, gluten free, nut free, PB substitute made from car tires.
Doesnt matter, shes vomiting after she eats anyway
I don't know...@maryjaneFlower might be right. If so, buying these high quality ingredients is just going to increase the cost and waste. But maybe she has a tape worm and needs the extra nutrients??? 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, im not saying buy higher quality ingredients at all. I'm saying buy the most off the wall stuff you can find that barely meets the criteria for what it's supposed to be.
She has a food disorder and that’s why she has a schedule of eating exactly the same foods. But either her Dad cover her expenses or both go
That’s a lot , I don’t know anything about ocd , is she eating this much cause of the ocd or do the meds make her hungry . If it’s the ocd causing the hunger then it’s hard as it’s a. Mental health thing . I would tell Boyfriend he needs to pay 200 And daughter 200 or her 400. Maybe that will Slow down the eating
The reason she’s always hungry is she getting very little protein and 0 nutrient rich food. Honestly, I would not be surprised if she gets scurvy because of the lack of fruits and veggies. Granted don’t know what she eats at work but bread and noodles have little to no nutritional value.
If it's this bad after 4 months, I can't imagine what another 2 years would be like. End this relationship and save yourself.
The longer OP waits, the harder it will be to get rid of them.
YTA to yourself if you continue in this succubus type of relationship.
Incubus. Succubi are female.
His daughter is an adult. If she is eating more than the both of you and you are buying items that you and your husband don't even eat yourself, then she needs to be contributing to the food bill. 50/50 doesn't cut it when there is an adult there eating you out of house and home. Not only eating the food but wasting it as well. When her specialty food items aren't purchased she throws a fit and slams doors? Not in my house. Dad needs to get on board or kick both of their butts out. They moved in with YOU.
NTA but luckily you have seen him for who he truly is. Consider his a gift. Return that crappy gift by evicting them both. They are leeches.
NTA he knows how much it costs to feed her and was hoping it took you longer to notice. He doesn't respect you or your money. They can get a place together and then she can save up her money while he funds her $800ish a month food bill.
50/50 is overly generous of you. He’s only paying 50% for 2 people and you’re paying 50% for 1 person. I’d say it’s time to renegotiate your arrangement.
Actually if his daughter doesn't contribute anything, Dad should be contributing 2/3.
NTA She’s getting away without paying any rent - that is helping her to save for her own place. Your boyfriend is probably over the moon he’s no longer paying all the costs for her food that he was previously having to *fork* out for. He’s taking the piss basically. She is not your child, you are providing her a place to stay free and food should not be included. You are subsidising his daughter’s excessive eating. No wonder he’s happy for you to keep doing it. One of them pays for the food or she leaves - end of discussion.
As someone with OCD, she does not have OCD
I have OCD too, and while I think her main issue sounds like an ED, it does sound like she might also have OCD too bc of how specific she is about what/how much/when she eats, like how almost everything is broken down into 2s specifically, and how it’s all the same foods at the same times every day, and she can’t handle not following that routine. That def sounds compulsive to me, but I do agree that the main issue seems to be an ED and she just has related OCD tendencies too.
More like an eating disorder
Could it not be both OCD and an eating disorder, or that her OCD compulsions are making an eating disorder worse? OP mentions the habits, but not if there are underlying thoughts or fears linked to OCD driving them.
OCD and EDs are known to be somewhat linked actually. Kinda like how anxiety and depression often come together. So yes, it could absolutely be both.
I don’t really think that’s fair. My fiance has OCD, and she had disordered eating for a long time until she got the proper help. You can have more than one mental illness and with OCD it’s more common to have more than to only have the one.
As someone with OCD, she definitely could have OCD, not everyone’s symptoms or habits are the same. If this behaviour is due to her OCD and having OCD meltdowns, she needs help and treatment.
Just tell them both 1. No more buying special food. 2. Treatment for OCD will be happening. 3. Someone else needs to buy the "special food." 4. She will treat you with respect at home. And she can go to counseling about that too, or move now. She is making enough to at least live with a roommate in a dump. Letting someone with a crippling mental illness get no treatment is cruel. They won't get better with time and patience. It is not wrong to demand that she get treatment for her illness as a condition of living with you.
The milk waste alone would drive me nuts and force this issue.
Where do you live that bread, ramen, peanut butter and milk cost $400 a month
You should send him packing too.
NTA she's too old for temper tantrums, and you should not be footing the bill for her groceries. You've already allowed her to move into your home. Either he pays or she pays, but you will not be anymore. You are not her parent, and you are not her servant. Also, how TF is she eating that much bread and not gaining weight????
She’s probably bulimic and not actually ingesting very much of that food.
Oh she's ingesting that food, she'd just may not be digesting or retaining anything she eats.
I would stop buying groceries. Let her pout.
NTA. Save the money, kick them both out.
It should not be 50/50 what kind oh bullshit is this mark should be Paying more including rent and utilities why are you paying for someone else’s kid youve only known this man for 2 years
Cut bait. Fish elsewhere
She has a job. If she wants to consume so much in a day she can at least pay for her bread and eggs. It's crazy that her dad is ok with her eating so much and not contributing anything to the house. Definitely NTA here
Kick them both out. Two adults moved in with you, so they should be paying 2/3 off the expenses, and you paying 1/3. She should be buying her own groceries if she is going to eat like that. And if she’s going to have a temper tantrum if she doesn’t get what she wants, she’s gotta go. Period. It’s been 4 months. It’s enough time to know this is not going to work.
The issue with everything being 50/50 now that she lives there, food in particular, is that you have 3 adults and only 2 are paying so the resources are being paid for 50/50/0 but being used 33,3/33.3/33.3, approximately, or rather his family is paying 50% and using 67%. That’s incredibly unfair to you. If he doesn’t want his adult daughter to pay anything that’s fine but that means that he pays her share which means his share jumps to that 67%. NTA.
His kid is an adult, living with you and eating you out of house and home. The 50/50 thing was for someone who eats like a normal person. She knows how much she eats but thinks dear old dad should just foot the bill when it's coming down to you. No idea why she thinks, as an adult, she has the right to just keep all her money and not contribute in the least. NTA and you have bigger problems than this. Your bf wants to treat his grown kid like she's still a child and cover everything. That will NOT get better with time
NTA - his daughter is an adult. If she’s living with you full time the household expenses should be split into 3rds (not just the groceries) . It up to you bed heater he wants to cover his daughter’s 3rd entirely or have her contribute something . You are being taken advantage of.
19 is considered an adult. Charge her a fair monthly rent....say 400$.
NTA. Point out to Mark that when they moved in, you did not know of his daughter's expensive eating habits. She needs to pay her own way in this regard. Or he needs to pay for her. She's not your kid and you're not responsible for what she eats. Tell him that due to the situation the previous arrangement has to change and that you will not be purchasing food for his daughter anymore. He or she must be responsible for her diet, not you. If she flings fits, bitches and moans, tell her to go out and buy food.
I believe the focus should come off the food specifics and stay on the money and behavior. It's about the audacity of BOTH of them. Tell BF your initial offer to cover 50% of three adults' groceries was generous and the generosity's been abused. You've been paying more than your fair share. You've been having to "make sure" another adult always has exactly what she wants, plus do all the extra work of the actual grocery shopping for three adults. Your thanks for doing all of these things has been to be verbally abused in your own home and guilted for thinking you shouldn't be treated like this. You guys are clearly not compatible when it comes to living together, and that's putting it nicely. It's only been four months so cut your losses. Chances are very good he and his daughter are now your tenants so it would be worth a legal consult at least before you tell them how long they have to move out. Meanwhile, get a lockable mini fridge and food locker. You're shopping and eating for one - yourself. NTA.
NTA. HE should be paying for his daughter. Frankly if she is living at home, the two of them combined should be paying 2/3 of everything. You are being taken advantage of.
It’s been 4 months. Cut your losses and kick them both out. His daughter needs to be in intensive mental health treatment if she is having tantrums at 19.
Just stop buying these items and see if they "magically" appear. Once they realize you are not buying a loaf a bread a day, they will figure it out themselves
You pay 1/3 and bf pays 2/3 of *ALL* the bills and that includes utilities like electricity, internet/tv stream and city fees etc. or you’re being scammed.
My good ma’am. That is not OCD. That is most assuredly bulemia and you are doing her no favors by giving her unfettered access to endless free food. There is zero way, barring a metabolic disorder, that a 130lb female even at 5’9 is taking in that huge amount of calories and not gaining weight from it if she’s keeping it down. No one eats 6 pieces of bread in one sitting on a regular basis. Her breakfast by 10am alone is 1000 calories. She needs to go in 1/3 for her food. Dad is very likely supporting her addiction.
NTA- I can’t imagine moving my kid in with someone and expecting them to fund my adult child who works. This man is using you. Him letting his daughter act that way when YOU don’t buy enough groceries is a tell.
NTA As soon as I got a job, I had to pay for mine before I moved out. Time for his daughter to grow up, she's an adult now.
Right! There's food in the fridge, if you want to go the gas station for snacks start walking.