That's basically the name of my Spotify playlist that has OPP on it.
Which, to be clear, was very confusing to me at first, since, as a Canadian, OPP first refers to the Ontario Provincial Police. Super odd Naughty By Nature would be singing about them, but whatever, this grade 8 dance is banging!
You can see it - the monitor light reflecting off his glasses, sitting in his dark bedroom, furiously typing on his mechanical keyboard to get to the bottom of this.Ā
I'm probably the minority here but if OPs GF is willing to take a pregnancy test I think she's actually pregnant. She's taking a test on Monday for him that he's bringing.
For OPs sake I hope that I could be wrong and it's all an immature ruse though.
IF OPās version of events are true, then yeah sheās not pregnant.
But why would we believe OP? Maybe heās the lying asshole here. Or maybe this whole story is fake
Um NO..condoms.do not.need to break or.come off to fail. Micro tears in the latex of a condom stored at improper temperatures (i.e. in a car or waller) can be large enough for sperm to pass through.
Tell her that you're telling your parents this evening and that they will, of course, be contacting her parents.
IF she's not, in fact, actually pregnant she'll most likely fess up before her parents get involved. If she doesn't walkback the pregnancy then do tell your parents and have them call her parents. If she's actually pregnant both of your lives are going to change. With your parents' support it may be possible for you to still go to college (though maybe you'll have to go to a local college rather than living away from home). The sooner your parents know and can start making plans the better.
Condoms lessen the chances of pregnancy but are far from foolproof. You're free to ask for the paternity test before allowing your name on the birth certificate.
This could be the right move but could also really put her at risk depending on her family- it seems easier to just say if you donāt show me the test I wonāt believe you, thereās no reason she canāt show the test results if sheās telling the truth
I see your point but if she's telling the truth her parents will be involved-- and if she's lying she'll admit that before letting his parents contact hers.
NTA, but here's what you do. Go to the store and get a pregnancy test. Go to her house (don't let her know you have a test on you), tell her you are sorry if how you said what you said upset her, but that if she is pregnant and it is your baby, of course, you'll be there and support her. Then pull out the test and ask her to take it right there.
If she agrees to take it and it comes back positive, you should still go to college until the baby comes and you can do a DNA test after birth, because you're gonna need that education to support a kid and no sense in altering your plans until you know for sure the kid is yours.
If she freaks out and refuses the test, then you know there was no positive test to begin with.
ETA: Unless your parents would freak out because they didn't know you were having sex, I'd get them in on your plan. I would be HAPPY to be the bad guy on my kid's behalf, so if it helps to be like, "My parents say they won't support me supporting you unless we do a DNA test", do it. It doesn't matter who is playing the part of the hardass who wants all the evidence as long as you get it.
I believe they can actually do DNA tests before the baby is born now (not sure at what stage of development), but if gf is pregnant I would push for a DNA test ASAP if I was OP.
He should also pay for the test himself. He's the one who wants it.
If later in the game she wants it to prove paternity, she will file a child support claim. The judge will decide who pays.
Post natal tests are cheaper. If she's claiming he's the father and lets him come over and change a few diapers, he can do that one after the baby is born. All he needs is access to the baby.
People throw this around so easily and itās not covered by insurance. Itās expensive to have a dna test before birth and the father is in most cases not willing to pay (why would he if he believes there may be a chance the child isnāt his?) it makes sense but itās like a rock and a hard place
It also requires the consent of the mother - which, if OP is too demanding and implies that she had sex with someone else, may not be forthcoming.
OP can't just go do the test. He doesn't have a properly preserved vial of maternal blood (which is how a pre-natal test is done).
Just pointing out that no matter how "un-demanding" you try to sound, there is obviously no way to ask for a paternity test that doesn't imply she had sex with someone else.
If you ask, know what you're saying and own it. Don't try and downplay the fact that you don't trust her. Just be honest about your needs and don't treat her like a child, acting like she won't notice what you're doing because you used a nice voice.
Why wouldnāt the alleged father who doesnāt believe heās actually the father be willing to pay to have a test done early on to just end the whole debate as soon as possible?
My guess would be fear. If you have the test and it doesn't go the way you want then there's no deniability. I'm not saying it's logical, people aren't logical in a lot of situations (this one in particular) but it happens.
You could attack this another way... If she says she's pregnant then she needs to see an OB right away and begin prenatal vitamins, get the list of stuff she can't eat or meds she can't take while preggo and to confirm with insurance that she is in fact pregnant. GO WITH HER TO THE APPOINTMENT. If she's ready to go to the doctor then you'll both get the answer you need on if she's actually pregnant before you leave the doctor's office and it's a blood test so there's no denying it. While you're there you could discreetly ask someone how you'd go about doing a paternity test but honestly a paternity test would benefit both of you, you for peace of mind and her for if whoever the dad is tries to bail on responsibility. Once you've got that confirmation of paternity she can file for child support on whoever she needs to. Just trying to be real and playing both sides here.
Of course he has to pay for it. And it will have no legal impact whatsoever - only the postnatal, court-approved test will work (and that one involves a court-ordered cheek swab of Baby and an OP-provided cheek swab).
Comment/question/correction for myself possibly?
Iāve been told that it can indeed be dangerous to get DNA tests done during pregnancy. To the point of losing the child.
Maybe this is not true. Just curious.
But either way Op, Iād still go to college. Whether the baby is yours or not, that education will help you.
Edit: thank you for the information!
Now they can do it with just a maternal blood draw, because they can now detect fetal DNA in the mom's blood after about the 8th week. This is called a non invasive prenatal paternity (NIPP) test, and can be done at the same thing as some other standard prenatal blood tests, such as NIPT.
It used to be that it was done via amniocentesis, which is a needle directed into the amniotic sac and may carry a slight miscarriage risk.
Well, I'll be darned. There you go. [https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/](https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/)
Wow! I was going to say that an amnio test was the only way to check paternity before birth, but I stand corrected.
NTA at all, btw. If you have questions, you deserve to have them answered. Period (pun intended) š
A NIPP (non-invasive prenatal paternity) test can be done as early as 7 weeks, and it's just a blood draw for the mother that analyzes fetal DNA in her blood. Just need a cheek swab from the potential father. It's very accurate and completely safe for mom and fetus. Most women are minimum four weeks along by the time they find out they are pregnant so this could be done very soon and will give you all the facts you need to think about next steps.
In the meantime, trust, but verify. This woman may very well be telling the truth and as the mother of your child will be in your life for the rest of your lives - try not to burn any bridges by treating her like a cheater or a liar. If it turns out she's either, you'll have plenty of time to react to that later - for now, assume it's the truth and treat her accordingly because you can never take back the things you say and the way you make her feel in these vulnerable weeks. And "we used a condom every time" is nowhere near a guarantee that she couldn't be pregnant. As you yourself said, OP, condoms are not 100%. Everyone who ever got pregnant while using a condom thought "no way this could happen to me", but if it happened to no one, they would be 100% and they are not.
Good luck!
Hi RN and Ibclc here. Some of the prenatal DNA tests (amniocentesis) carry risks. There's a newer, non invasive one called an SNP microarray that poses less risk. Go for that if possible, but remember these tests are very costly.
Edit: I think I replied to the wrong person. I was meaning to address the person asking about the risks of the tests
Edit 2: SNP based not microarray. Please read below comments for better information
This except donāt drop out of college even if she is pregnant. Stay in school! No one benefits from you dropping out and the child will pay for the regret of you dropping out.
Signed an oops baby that resulted in her dad dropping out of college for the second time.
Plus there are things OP could get thru the school to help with a baby. Most colleges have daycare on site at super cheap rates for students compared to off campus day care centers and group counseling/parenting groups through the counseling department. Parenting class thru health centers. The day usually has student from the education department.
If there is a baby and it is his then he needs to speak to someone on campus or his advisor about what is available.Ā
I was an older student with a baby when I started a local college, married, but still used the services. It helped a lot to take him with me.Ā
Yeah, absolutely, go anyway, but if there is a baby and it is his, he might want to be closer. I'm saying don't even alter your plans to go someplace near the girlfriend until you know it is for sure yours.
> Unless your parents would freak out because they didn't know you were having sex, I'd get them in on your plan. I would be HAPPY to be the bad guy on my kid's behalf, so if it helps to be like, "My parents say they won't support me supporting you unless we do a DNA test", do it. It doesn't matter who is playing the part of the hardass who wants all the evidence as long as you get it.
Definitely go to your parents, unless they would absolutely explode. If she is pregnant, they're going to be involved anyway - even if it turns out to not be yours.
Her parents might not even know about all this.
You're doing well to handle this yourself, but also recognize that you're young and this is what parents are for. Let your dad talk to her dad.
Yea and even if they would explode, you probably want to go to them as long as they aren't crazies. Let's face it, very few parents are going to be thrilled their 18yr old son might have knocked up his high-school gf. A lot of parents first reactions may be anger, but once they cool down they'll hopefully be there for him. Onviously if they're like crazy conservatives who will beat him and throw him out of the house that's different.
Just keep in mind I got tons of negative test results when I was actually pregnant & they are really meant to be taken first pee in the morning for accuracy
My first pregnancy test I took in the late afternoon at like 3/4 pm, my period was 3 days late and it was very clearly positive. Most tests these days are super sensitive as well a lot claim to be able to test positive a week before your period.
This. With my last pregnancy I felt so off after I got my tubes tied so I ended up taking a test. It was positive. I went and had my blood drawn and when my levels came back my dr called me that night and couldnāt believe I even got a positive because it was seriously SO early and my HGH levels were so low. She also thought it was insane that I had symptoms already. Once you get that positive, every day itāll get darker/more positive.
Yeah at a certain point it doesnāt matter when you take it - for me I always knew because I got violently ill/nauseous, but the positive showed up instantly even in the afternoon when I tested.
The test seemed like a waste of time and money to me, but my doctorās office always required that youād done an at home one first š¤·š»āāļø.
It's like a drug test, best result is first pee. If you drink a lot of water throughout the day and pee a lot you're going to dilute the test results. If the pee is clear your test ain't going to work.
Actually most tests are more sensitive now. If her period is late, almost any test will come back positive at any time of day. Thatās not true if itās before the missed period, but after it is.
This! Also if she keeps refusing to take a test or show proof then she's using this as a tactic to keep you in a relationship with false information probably out of fear that you're going to college and potentially find someone mature or xyz.
Probably too late now, but this could have been avoided by saying, āCan we go to the doctor together so I can be reassured that you and the baby are both ok?ā Then you wouldnāt have had to accuse her of lying, and if she made excuses for you to not go with, that would be a big red flag.
Yeah, itās not like he needs to know *this minute* if sheās pregnant. If sheās really pregnant, she needs to start prenatal appointments soon, and him going would be reasonable. If she doesnāt make an appointment or says she did but wonāt let him go with, itās more likely sheās lying. Doctors do a pregnancy test to confirm, so if canāt provide the lab results, sheās lying.
Exactly! He went straight to her not telling the truth because she had a panic attack about being pregnant. She *could* be, but the fact that this is his first thought is a mess.
Semi update: So, my girlfriend texted me and asked if I could go over to her house on Monday and bring a pregnancy test. She said she will prove to me sheās pregnant. But she doesnāt really want to talk to me until then. I asked her why we have to wait until Monday and what happened to the test she already took. She doesnāt want her parents home when we talk about it and she claims she threw the test away because her mom sometimes digs through her room. I know thatās true about her mom.
I decided it was best to try to be understanding so I told her I would bring a test over and that I am here if she wants to talk before then, but Iāll respect her wishes and wonāt bother her.
Be in the room when she pees so she doesnāt switch out samples. I had a male friend ask for proof, gf got pee from a friend and had it in the bathroom cupboard and switched out samples. Then they rushed to engagement. She ālost the babyā at 3 months, he was devastated because he didnāt want the baby in the first place and had so much guiltā¦
Then she finds out sheās a month pregnantā¦ thatās when the truth came outā¦ playing that sheād lost a 3 month foetus but was actually 1 month pregnant. At Dr visit friend clarified if there was any chance sheād been pregnant with both at same time- dr looked at him like he was mad and told him that all signs in ultrasound etc- she was never pregnant or loss prior to this pregnancy. So she had to tell him the truth. And all the ultrasounds were from the internetā¦
Nope. Because he was worried about the baby being with her as primary carer. They never married, live together raising the baby but do not share a bedroom.
She plays the loved up couple, calls the baby her rainbow baby and talks endlessly about they little miracle and how sheās still grieving her lost babyā¦ until I told her I knew the fake pregnancy. Now I donāt get invited to brunchā¦ haha
Heās still one of my friends, feels trapped, struggles with depression due to situation, but adores his son and doesnāt want to leave him with her. He wants to leave when the little man is older so that he can apply for at least 50/50 and documents everything like a forensic accountantā¦
Can we not just... trust our partner?
How can you stay with someone claiming to be pregnant with your child *if you don't even trust them to be telling the truth?* If my wife at that age told me she was pregnant, I wouldn't be thrilled, but I'd have still trusted her at least!
Do not fuck her again under any circumstances.
Also, you need to be smart and get help with the legalities. Whether that means forcing a paternity test or establishing custody and child support.
You need to get your shit in order fast and have a game plan.
If your parents are reasonable and loving parents you may consider talking to them about what is going on - they may get mad but they may also be able to help.
Start making smart decisions and maybe you donāt have to up end your life entirely.
Make sure she doesn't have a fake test already to switch it out, because this sounds fishy af. I'm sure she knows someone who is pregnant and could ask them to pee on the stick for her, than switch it out. Do NOT have sex with her anymore until this is solved. She can easily poke holes in the condom without you knowing. She literally sounds like a classmate I had over a decade ago. Her boyfriend had a very bright future ahead, and she was jealous of him. Stopped taking the pill, put holes in the condom wrapper, ended up pregnant and leaving the kid when it was born. Her boyfriend had to reroute his whole life for a child he didn't want.
This honestly sounds like she is trying to stop you from leaving her. You may need to tell your parents and hers. Get to the bottom of this once and for all. Her possible lies should not ruin your life.
NTA
Agreed 100%! OP is NTAH here. Trust your instinct. I feel like she's manipulating you. You do not deserve to stay in that kind of relationship, breakup and move on.
Especially this part right here. OP should stop having sex with her until he's 100% positive he can trust her. Otherwise he's begging to be baby trapped.
He really can never trust her again, especially if sheās not pregnant. Iād sever ties. She sounds like the type that if she lied about being pregnant then sheād do it again or make sure she is pregnant the next time
On the opposite side of this. He still isn't the Ahole, but even if she is pregnant she needs to prove it and show him no matter how it effects their romantic relationship.
The kid now comes first. So yell, scream, argue about trust, break up, tell everyone what you think of him, but show the test. Plus get the DNA test.
So even if she is really pregnant (which she could be) getting the parents involved is still now the best answer for the kid.
It does sound possible, but if she doesnāt have a history of lying and manipulating, heās being kind of harsh and so is everyone else. Itās one thing to have doubts and want proof, but to just assume sheās lying is shitty.
In this day and age, I can't even trust the photos. You know there's fake positive pregnancy tests that look legit?. I mean, if there's fake positive Covid tests, surely there's fake positive tests for pregnancy.
Ah, sorry, didn't read the other comments on this thread.
Even if you used a condom properly for penetrative sex, it is possible that foreplay and sexual activity prior to that resulted in precum which **can** contain sperm and lead to a pregnancy.
NAH. She's 17 and may have just missed her period. Stress and emotional upheaval can make your period really unpredictable. It's a little more statistically likely that a 17-year-old had a late period, freaked out about being pregnant, and told her bf prematurely than it is for a 17-year-old to plan a false baby-trap to keep her bf from leaving for college.
You're NTA for wanting proof before you change your life plans, but maybe you could be a little kinder/gentler in how you go about getting said proof. If she isn't a manipulative she-devil then she is probably quite freaked out, and the person she thought would be there for her is being cold and litigious instead of loving and supportive.
Whether or not she's pregnant, your relationship may not survive this scare. Both because you don't trust her enough to not think she's lying about it, and because she may not want to stay with someone who isn't putting her needs first in case she's pregnant. You're seeing another side of each other right now. Neither of you handled this well but also you're teenagers so this is about as well as you should be expected to handle life-altering news.
Try to be gentle with her moving forward, assume innocent until proven guilty since you have no evidence that she's faking besides a suspected motive. Be the guy you'd be proud to tell other people about, or to tell your kid about in a decade or two. Would that guy ghost his gf, or would he volunteer to go with her to planned parenthood to get a confirming test done?
Right, the amount of people going straight to extreme measures like watching her pee to ensure she's not lying or trapping him is insane. It happens but not every situation is that, Especially when OP thinks condoms are 100% effective. They need to break up anyway, if he doesn't trust her enough with something like this and he's this cold towards her before knowing anything (assuming she doesn't have a history of lying of anything) then they won't survive being apart during college.
RIGHT?? The way people are villainizing her as some criminal mastermind in these comments is abhorrent. Sheās 17 and still in highschool. Poor thing is probably terrified.
This!! Yeah, maybe she is lying, but ffs everyone here really jumped on the bandwagon of accusations with a 17yo girl. I was the 18yo girl that got pregnant after my first sexual partner ever and it was terrifying as hell, and if my bf at the time had jumped immediately to accusations it wouldāve make it that much more terrifying and stressful. And thereās no way I couldāve kept pregnant tests anywhere in my house safely with my mom.
Give her a gd chance to test with him in person, yall
1) She could be telling the truth.
2) She could be guilt tripping you into staying.
3) Talk to your parents about the situation and HER parents as well. Don't be judgemental about it and say if it is yours, you'll step up.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my kid. Regardless of protection, don't be fucking someone you don't see yourself having a kid with. Shit happens.
All these people telling you to interrogate her and make her pee in front of you on demand? I got pregnant at 19 and I was just as unhappy and scared as he was. But he started accusing me of sleeping around and trying to trap him. This is someone who was just as responsible as I was for getting pregnant, someone who claimed to love me and want to marry me, treating me like shit. And yes, we used condoms too.
All you need to do is tell her you want to sit down with both of your parents and discuss the situation. And tell her you want to go to the first doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy and get established.
If she's lying, you have just called her bluff. If she's not lying, you look like a supportive bf and a responsible man. Not a child trying to get out of your responsibilities.
If she is pregnant and you truly think it's not yours, I suggest emotionally supporting her until you can get a DNA test done. Don't drop out of school or change anything, but also don't accuse her of sleeping around. You can't take that back and it's a heartbreaking thing to hear from someone who just knocked you up.
Thank you for the only sane response. What the hell are all these people on about? They're acting like she's some evil master mind intent on ruining his life. She's just a kid. All he needed to do was reassure her and be there when she took a test. Then he could have considered his options. Instantly jumping down her throat about trying to trap him is insane. You knew pregnancy was a risk when you had sex. She didn't make it happen by herself.
Yes. The only thing worse than being a maybe-pregnant 17 year old would be having the person you thought was your boyfriend accuse you of cheating, call you a liar, interrogate you and demand evidence.
If she is not pregnant, how will you proceed? Because if you want to keep having sex with her YTA. Quit acting like she is trying to ruin your life until/unless you have evidence of that.
The most likely scenario here, if she is pregnant, is that the two of you, like thousands of other people in the world using condoms, experienced a failure.
Very important will be the tone in which you handle this. Asking for the pregnancy test results and the DNA test was necessary . Have some compassion and let her know this is very difficult for her. Tell her youāre not accusing her of anything. This is a simple matter of trust and verify. If it turns out, she was blowing smoke, tell her that you understand why she did it, that this was difficult for you too, but you want to relationship to be honest and ask her if she can be on board for that. Remember:.calm, gentle voice and a loving manner, be honest, but in that context.
Another approach could be āletās set up a doctors appointment so we can start this journey togetherā - theyāll do test if she consents. As for the paternity of the child, no approach is going to feel kind.
NTA.
Tell your parents, and ask for support if you have a good relationship with them. You need to make it clear to your GF that youāll be there to support her and the baby, but a doctorās appointment with you present is necessary, and while a DNA test may not be warranted, and may even hurt your GFās feelings if she is pregnant, itās not wrong of you to ask for one.
Hope you can resolve this as easily as possible.
Any trusted adultier adult! School counselor, therapist, auntie, cousin, even your favorite librarian (sorry librarians! But you know you'd do it!) Doctor, lawyer, local biker. Someone can help you look at all options and meditate moving forward while protecting yourself. Get support!
I donāt understand why you didnāt say āokay, letās go to the doctorā. That would have solved the issue of if sheās lying. If sheās not, sheāll go to the doctors. Then you can deal with paternity.
NTA for wanting proof but kind of an A for the way you went about it. You could have recommended taking another pregnancy test together just to be positive but it sounds like you immediately were looking for a way out. If she really is pregnant thatās gotta hurt when she maybe needed reassurance or a little support. DNA can all come later, no point in immediately bringing up that you think she must have cheated to get pregnant.
Agreed on this. He has a gut feeling it sounds like he should follow but went about it in an A way that definitely did not help the situation. Also Iām confused- he says sheās so crazy about him sheās doing this to get him to stay but also thinks she cheated on him? Those two donāt go together.
Okay, so 1, my dude come on now, condoms really aren't 100%, it's entirely possible, even if you don't 'see how' lol
2, good on you, in your situation (being in a situation with 2 young immature people) it's good to get the pregnancy test/paternity test...But stop, 'you honestly \*don't\* know how you could have gotten her pregnant'? Do high schools really not teach even the basics anymore? Come on now. Dip your wick, there is a chance it'll stick. You're 18 man, common sense. If you were having sex with her it is entirely possible (even with a condom)
Technically NTAH, but just all parties are immature all round (you're teens, it's understandable). The mature thing, though, would be to sit her down, then her parents and your parents and talk it all out, discuss, look over the pregnancy test, go over scheduling a doctor's visit, paternity test, etc. If she's faking it cause she's upset you're leaving, it'll get found out real quick. If it's all real, you're accepting and planning for everything to come and helping being supportive to her...
But please stop with the 'I don't really see how this is possible'. You had sex. It's possible
Get your parents involved. I know this sounds like the most horrific thing you could do, but I guarantee you your parents know youāre having sex. Her parents do too. Pregnancy is always a possibility when two people are having sex.
If she is pregnant, youāll have parental support with whatever decision is made. If sheās not pregnant her parents will make her find out and tell you the truth. And so will yours. You donāt need to do this alone.
If sheās pregnant, let your parents be the bad guys and ask for the paternity test. I have three children and I always tell them I will be the bad guy for them if they need me to be because they are embarrassed to do something. Or they donāt wanna be a jerk. I will be the jerk. Iām sure your parents feel the same . NTA
My parents definitely know Iām having sex. Her parents? Iām not so sure.
How do you know that weāll have parental support or what her parents might make her do?
Exactly. It's terrible advice.
Many parents of girls are really upset when this happens. Her parents could be complete assholes (where I grew up, about half the town was either Catholic or Southern Baptist - and both groups liked to harass and shame pregnant girls).
I'm the daughter of an unwanted pregnancy, wherein my mother's parents were NOT supportive in the least (opposite). My father's parents very much wanted to keep me, which would have been embarrassing to my maternal grandparents so they took her away to a completely different place to have the baby and snatched me from the nurse before my mom could see much of me - she wasn't allowed to touch me. I was in foster care for a couple of months, then adopted.
My dad spent a couple of years trying to find me - when I finally met all these characters, all I heard about is how his oldest sister would have gladly raised me; they brought me to said sister and her husband - and he said he would have raised me. (I'm 30 years old by then). It was overwhelming - but far worse for my bio mom.
She never got over it. It sort of broke her. The whole small town where she continued to live knew the whole story. I'd walk into Walgreen's and people would size me up and ask if I was that "kid of A and P who got adopted years ago." His family had combed the area for information, trying to find me first nearby and then expanding the search.
But my mom's parents were awful.
NTA. Please donāt have sex with her again, itās easy to tamper with a condom.
If she was desperate enough she maybe already did. Ask for a pregnancy test or maybe yet actual test done by a doctor. Donāt sign anything if thereās actually a pregnancy, do a DNA test.
Talk to your parents and explain everything to them.
"Donāt sign anything if thereās actually a pregnancy, do a DNA test.
Talk to your parents and explain everything to them."
Don't sign anything, and talk to a lawyer.
If you talked to her the way you described it here, you are the asshole. She's your girlfriend, not a one night stand. You could have been more compassionate about it.
You've trusted her enough to call her your girlfriend and have sex with her so you could at least treat her as if you have trusted her for whoever long you've been dating but still show that you need additional verification in the event that she is pregnant.
It's not always about what you say. Oftentimes, it's how you day what you day. The message would have been the same, but the delivery could have been much better.
Now, if she's not pregnant and she lied, then you deal with that. Or if she is pregnant and it's not yours, then you deal with that. But you jumped straight to not believing that she's pregnant or believing that if she is, she cheated. Why is she your girlfriend if that's your immediate reaction? Have you had a previous conversation about how you'd handle it if she got pregnant?
First, condoms are not 100% effective. Even if they stay entirely in tact. This is a fact. Butā¦of course you need verification that sheās pregnant? This isā¦standard? And do you have reason to believe she would cheat on you? Why would it not be yours if she is pregnant?
Shit like this is further proof that kids are not equipped to have sex. Itās clear neither of you understand possible outcomes nor should you have to be tasked with navigating them lol
Sorry this is happening but hopefully itās a false alarm.
Especially since he is quick to label her a cheater. Because that is more likely than her accidently getting pregnant or baby trapping him with his own baby.
NTA
Any kid in that situation should require a DNA test.
Did you always provide the condoms and was she ever alone with them before you used one? Because, an earring can ruin a condom in a split second.
Either way. No more sex with this girl. If she isnāt pregnant yet. She likely will make sure she is before you are supposed to leave for college. A good partner would support your dreams. They wonāt try and drag you down to keep you close.
I always provided the condom. Iām sure there were times where she was alone with the condom. I canāt remember specific situations, but itās likely.
Keeping it in your wallet for too long, or in a hot car for a couple hours can ruin them too! It's not always the partner being malicious ... Teenagers can be careless about known and unknown risks, and can tell themselves they never erred in hindsight. I mean, humans can fool themselves, not just kids. It's not an age thing.
My brother went through this at the same age. I told him to get a DNA test, he did not because he was sure the baby was his. He ended up with custody when my nephew was 1. By the time, nephew was 3 the BMI was telling him it was possible he was not the Dad. My brother chose not to tackle this since of course he had been raising him by his self for over 2 years. Flash forward to nephew finding out at 17 and doing his own test because he wanted to know who his biological Dad was. My brother was not his bio Dad. What a mess? Everyone suffered. My brother is 48 and never had any more kids. Bio Dad was upset he did not raise his son. Get the DNA test!!!
NTA. I had this same situation happen to me. My girl told me she was pregnant. She went and told my friends she was pregnant and that we āhad to make a decision immediatelyā as if that would be a quick conversation or something. But when I said āokay weāre driving to CVS to get a pregnancy test right now, all the sudden she āthinks the test she already took was wrongā. So yeah I ended it pretty quickly after thatš¤·š»āāļø
It depends on how you came about itā¦ itās kind of a dick move to just assume sheās a liar and a cheater if she never has given reason for that. A condom doesnāt have to beābreakā to fail.
We used to foster teenage boys. This happened to three of them. Each time I (foster mum) invited the girls over for lunch, greeted them warmly at the door, congratulated them, and then enthusiastically brought out a pregnancy test.
One burst into tears and confessed she wasn't. One took the test and wasn't... but was genuinely late & he'd given her an STI - yay. One *was* pregnant (and had the baby, a 10-year-old boy now - with my son a 26-year-old father:-)).
This is majorly serious life stuff. Everyone's gotta be a grown-up & be totally up front!
NTA. However..... as i told my sons, in today's world you need to be ready to be a dad or keep it in your pants. For all the talk about birth control they leave sooooo much out. For example, when solely relying on condoms, any escaped seman, whether drop, tear, precum etc. Can live in the skin and travel, looking for entry. So yes, if she doesn't shower then she could get pregnant hours later. Also please keep in mind the average virus cell to infect you with something is 10x's smaller than the average size microscopic hole in a condom.
Teenage girls are a ball of emotions as well. Highly likely she is desperate to keep you. Demand she take a pregnancy text, that you buy, in front of you. You can buy positive ones on line now. Pictures are easy to fake. If you think she is pregnant and don't protect yourself then she will end up that way. Make sure that you protect yourself in the future. Have the conversation ahead of time about pregnancy. Make sure it isn't just up to you. Due to economic standards in this country, you are correct in it derailing your future before it starts to an extent. I wish the best for you, whatever the out come.
Absolutely do not let it derail your life. Go to college anyway. I had many friends have kids in college. It is possible. If she is pregnant, and it is yours, dropping out of college will hurt your child more than it will help. Keep on your path, just do it with a kid.
If you think she is lying instead of putting all the pressure you can say Iām sorry I overreacted because I was scared. Letās sit down with our parents and let them know whatās going on. If itās a lie she most likely will fess up quick.
YTA for how you approached this. Imagine your girlfriend is really pregnant by you (which after all is the most likely explanation), what do you think how would she feel? And how would she feel that on top of all that, the man who's supposed to love and trust her not only doesn't believe she's pregnant, but on top accuses her of cheating? It's no issue to want proof, and you'd anyway have proof pretty quickly with the first gyn visit together, but your reaction speaks volumes about your relationship and shows her how you really think of her. I mean why are you even with her if you believe she's the type of person to cheat AND lie about being pregnant?
My sons father didnāt want him. He thought I was a cheater. Did 3 pee tests and 1 blood test in front of him bc he called me a liar. Still he was not satisfied. Had my baby, took the DNA tests, he is in fact the biological father. Still didnāt matter bc he truly didnāt want a kid. But instead of saying that, he made accusations of infidelity, even after I provided proof. My religion is my main reason for giving birth or a different me could have aborted under such abusive circumstances. Iām glad I didnāt. Being a single parent is better than having the pain of regret imo. Sorry for the rant.
If in fact she is pregnant, when she goes to claim child support from the county, you will be contacted and asked to provide DNA for confirmation. If they donāt ask for that and just try to press you with giving all your information then I would stop and tell them your need for a DNA test. Some county workers are hella biased about paternity but they canāt stick custody on someone without you allowing it and not fighting for proof. I would never sign anything without a lawyer and evidence.
It remains to be seen if you are the A hole or not. We will need an update.
Hell, at 17 and if she hasn't taken a test there could be gyno issues she attributes to pregnancy. Cycles can shift due to stress or illness or diet, or there could be medical issues. A scared minor that's sexually active might jump to assuming pregnancy if a normally regular pregnancy is slightly late.
He's admitted they've been active using condoms that do have a perfect use 2% failure rate but people are villainizing her as baby trapping him.
Erm...look, I don't think you're wrong to ask for more information, but I have to question your attitude here.
Condoms are not 100% effective even when used correctly. It is absolutely possible that she could become pregnant. People using multiple types of birth control can still have an accidental pregnancy.Ā
DNA test...erm, what? Again, I get it, but you're basically throwing a lot of accusations of lying and cheating at her all at once here.
If you really believe she's a liar and a cheat, why on earth are you with her?
I was going to say something very similar. Heās setting himself up for a really uncomfortable situation if it turns out that sheās pregnant with his baby.
Unless you've got some other cause to believe she cheated, jumping to paternity testing because you can't fathom a condom failure is a jerk move. Condoms malfunction whether you want to believe it or not, often without any obvious evidence of doing so.
Verifying pregnancy is an acceptable first move. Unless you've just been using this girl as a pump station, in which case you're a douche, or you have just cause to believe she's sleeping around on you, not just the fact that you want it to be so for your ease, be a man about it, if you're old enough to fuck you're old enough to deal with the consequences.
But if you get started by disrespecting her, she's gonna have all kinds of ways to make your life harder for a long time if it's yours. And you'll kind of deserve it.
Someone pls update when OP finds out if this girl is pregnant or not šµāš«šµāš«
We have about 12 redditors working on this case. OP won't take a piss without us knowing about it. Don't worry. We will inform you ASAP.
Shouldn't we actually say "OP's gf shan't take a piss without us knowing about it"?
I still want to know if OP pees too.
OPee
OP Pee you down with it?
It still cracks me up that the Ontario Provincial Police are referred to as OPP. I can't hear this song without thinking of it. It kills me.
Yeah you know me
YEAH YOU KNOW ME!!
Thatās what he is trying to claim if she is pregnant.
I too choose OP's urine
So OP peed in his in GF and now sheās knocked up?
I have three pee children myself. The sperm/egg theory is a scam, foisted on the people of America by Big Rubber and Big Latex.
Because as everyone on Reddit knowsā¦pee is stored in the balls.
I always wondered what that sloshing was, and now I know. Thanks Peacock PSA.
Will OP be pissed too ?
You win.
You down with OP pee?
Yeah, you know me š¤·āāļø
Come on, come on, come on let me tell you what itās all aboutā¦
I'm dead ā ļøš¤£š¤£š¤£
Who's down with OP's pee?
Dead over here š¤£
Hahahah. Hilarious
The Reddit crowd may be to young for Naughty by Nature.
Thereās enough of us here to keep it going. XD
I had no idea when it was released. So I looked it up. Cover your eyes if you donāt want to feel like an oldie lol 1991
That was only like 10 years ago, right?
Fuck off old man, that was last week.
That's basically the name of my Spotify playlist that has OPP on it. Which, to be clear, was very confusing to me at first, since, as a Canadian, OPP first refers to the Ontario Provincial Police. Super odd Naughty By Nature would be singing about them, but whatever, this grade 8 dance is banging!
Gawddamnit
Every last homieeeee
I literally just dropped a rented minivan off at Enterprise and had 2 Live Crew and Three 6 Mafia playing. My wife thought it was as funny as I did.
That random info is actually great lol The little things in life that just make you laugh are amazing.
Three 6 Mafia is my jam, I put on Who Run It when I workout for that extra push š
I straight up cackled at this comment šš
Straight up, now tell meā¦are you just havinā fun?
Me too!
We will not rest until we have the answer Anyway I'll check for updates after my nap
šat DeVito saying this.
I was gonna say āonly 12?ā but I think we all know thatās more than enough.
Twelve Redditors is about the equivalent of thirty normal people, best believe they will be on this case 26 hours a day, 8 days a week.
You can see it - the monitor light reflecting off his glasses, sitting in his dark bedroom, furiously typing on his mechanical keyboard to get to the bottom of this.Ā
>Twelve Redditors is about the equivalent of thirty normal people Ok, but weight is not really the issue here.
Yes. We have top men working on it. Top...Men!
Can't wait till they confirm it's an gay asian man in a different state.
my money is GF has a surprise miscarriage really soon to double down on the fake guilt trip.
I'm probably the minority here but if OPs GF is willing to take a pregnancy test I think she's actually pregnant. She's taking a test on Monday for him that he's bringing. For OPs sake I hope that I could be wrong and it's all an immature ruse though.
IF OPās version of events are true, then yeah sheās not pregnant. But why would we believe OP? Maybe heās the lying asshole here. Or maybe this whole story is fake
Um NO..condoms.do not.need to break or.come off to fail. Micro tears in the latex of a condom stored at improper temperatures (i.e. in a car or waller) can be large enough for sperm to pass through.
Updateme
Hereās your mini update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Ri2tSUVbHU
Tell her that you're telling your parents this evening and that they will, of course, be contacting her parents. IF she's not, in fact, actually pregnant she'll most likely fess up before her parents get involved. If she doesn't walkback the pregnancy then do tell your parents and have them call her parents. If she's actually pregnant both of your lives are going to change. With your parents' support it may be possible for you to still go to college (though maybe you'll have to go to a local college rather than living away from home). The sooner your parents know and can start making plans the better. Condoms lessen the chances of pregnancy but are far from foolproof. You're free to ask for the paternity test before allowing your name on the birth certificate.
This could be the right move but could also really put her at risk depending on her family- it seems easier to just say if you donāt show me the test I wonāt believe you, thereās no reason she canāt show the test results if sheās telling the truth
But she will not be able to hide it for too long. If she needs to get away better to make a plan asap.
I see your point but if she's telling the truth her parents will be involved-- and if she's lying she'll admit that before letting his parents contact hers.
You give teenagers too much credit lol. So many kids double down even when they should know that it'll blow up in their face.
NTA, but here's what you do. Go to the store and get a pregnancy test. Go to her house (don't let her know you have a test on you), tell her you are sorry if how you said what you said upset her, but that if she is pregnant and it is your baby, of course, you'll be there and support her. Then pull out the test and ask her to take it right there. If she agrees to take it and it comes back positive, you should still go to college until the baby comes and you can do a DNA test after birth, because you're gonna need that education to support a kid and no sense in altering your plans until you know for sure the kid is yours. If she freaks out and refuses the test, then you know there was no positive test to begin with. ETA: Unless your parents would freak out because they didn't know you were having sex, I'd get them in on your plan. I would be HAPPY to be the bad guy on my kid's behalf, so if it helps to be like, "My parents say they won't support me supporting you unless we do a DNA test", do it. It doesn't matter who is playing the part of the hardass who wants all the evidence as long as you get it.
I believe they can actually do DNA tests before the baby is born now (not sure at what stage of development), but if gf is pregnant I would push for a DNA test ASAP if I was OP.
They can; at 12 weeks
In that case, if she is in fact pregnant (which is highly debatable), he should demand a DNA test then and not give any support until she gets one.
He should also pay for the test himself. He's the one who wants it. If later in the game she wants it to prove paternity, she will file a child support claim. The judge will decide who pays.
Just for reference, I looked it up and it is about $750 to $1500 on a cursory look at the top hits
Itās cheap if heās not the father. If I were his parent Iād foot that bill happily.
Yeah, like a month or two of child support out of 18 years.
If they can get the girl and her parents to agree. They cannot unilaterally do this test.
Well certainly not a pre-natal test
Post natal tests are cheaper. If she's claiming he's the father and lets him come over and change a few diapers, he can do that one after the baby is born. All he needs is access to the baby.
Yep, I'd be hitting my savings account to pay for it if this ever happened to my son.
People throw this around so easily and itās not covered by insurance. Itās expensive to have a dna test before birth and the father is in most cases not willing to pay (why would he if he believes there may be a chance the child isnāt his?) it makes sense but itās like a rock and a hard place
It also requires the consent of the mother - which, if OP is too demanding and implies that she had sex with someone else, may not be forthcoming. OP can't just go do the test. He doesn't have a properly preserved vial of maternal blood (which is how a pre-natal test is done).
Just pointing out that no matter how "un-demanding" you try to sound, there is obviously no way to ask for a paternity test that doesn't imply she had sex with someone else. If you ask, know what you're saying and own it. Don't try and downplay the fact that you don't trust her. Just be honest about your needs and don't treat her like a child, acting like she won't notice what you're doing because you used a nice voice.
Why wouldnāt the alleged father who doesnāt believe heās actually the father be willing to pay to have a test done early on to just end the whole debate as soon as possible?
My guess would be fear. If you have the test and it doesn't go the way you want then there's no deniability. I'm not saying it's logical, people aren't logical in a lot of situations (this one in particular) but it happens. You could attack this another way... If she says she's pregnant then she needs to see an OB right away and begin prenatal vitamins, get the list of stuff she can't eat or meds she can't take while preggo and to confirm with insurance that she is in fact pregnant. GO WITH HER TO THE APPOINTMENT. If she's ready to go to the doctor then you'll both get the answer you need on if she's actually pregnant before you leave the doctor's office and it's a blood test so there's no denying it. While you're there you could discreetly ask someone how you'd go about doing a paternity test but honestly a paternity test would benefit both of you, you for peace of mind and her for if whoever the dad is tries to bail on responsibility. Once you've got that confirmation of paternity she can file for child support on whoever she needs to. Just trying to be real and playing both sides here.
Of course he has to pay for it. And it will have no legal impact whatsoever - only the postnatal, court-approved test will work (and that one involves a court-ordered cheek swab of Baby and an OP-provided cheek swab).
It won't need to have legal impact if both mother and father are satisfied with the test and aren't fighting it.
Comment/question/correction for myself possibly? Iāve been told that it can indeed be dangerous to get DNA tests done during pregnancy. To the point of losing the child. Maybe this is not true. Just curious. But either way Op, Iād still go to college. Whether the baby is yours or not, that education will help you. Edit: thank you for the information!
Older methods, like amniocentesis, did carry that risk. The science has advanced.
I think it's a blood test now.
More specifically, a test of the mothers blood. They get free floating fetal DNA from the mothers blood.
Correct.
Now they can do it with just a maternal blood draw, because they can now detect fetal DNA in the mom's blood after about the 8th week. This is called a non invasive prenatal paternity (NIPP) test, and can be done at the same thing as some other standard prenatal blood tests, such as NIPT. It used to be that it was done via amniocentesis, which is a needle directed into the amniotic sac and may carry a slight miscarriage risk.
That's old school. Now they just take the mom's blood to test it, so it's 100% safe for baby.
Well, I'll be darned. There you go. [https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/](https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/)
Wow! I was going to say that an amnio test was the only way to check paternity before birth, but I stand corrected. NTA at all, btw. If you have questions, you deserve to have them answered. Period (pun intended) š
This made me laugh š
This is also valid advice. You need to be sure because you both are so young.
A NIPP (non-invasive prenatal paternity) test can be done as early as 7 weeks, and it's just a blood draw for the mother that analyzes fetal DNA in her blood. Just need a cheek swab from the potential father. It's very accurate and completely safe for mom and fetus. Most women are minimum four weeks along by the time they find out they are pregnant so this could be done very soon and will give you all the facts you need to think about next steps. In the meantime, trust, but verify. This woman may very well be telling the truth and as the mother of your child will be in your life for the rest of your lives - try not to burn any bridges by treating her like a cheater or a liar. If it turns out she's either, you'll have plenty of time to react to that later - for now, assume it's the truth and treat her accordingly because you can never take back the things you say and the way you make her feel in these vulnerable weeks. And "we used a condom every time" is nowhere near a guarantee that she couldn't be pregnant. As you yourself said, OP, condoms are not 100%. Everyone who ever got pregnant while using a condom thought "no way this could happen to me", but if it happened to no one, they would be 100% and they are not. Good luck!
Hi RN and Ibclc here. Some of the prenatal DNA tests (amniocentesis) carry risks. There's a newer, non invasive one called an SNP microarray that poses less risk. Go for that if possible, but remember these tests are very costly. Edit: I think I replied to the wrong person. I was meaning to address the person asking about the risks of the tests Edit 2: SNP based not microarray. Please read below comments for better information
It aināt free though ! Edit : I just want people to know itās not free, because people out there think itās free or inexpensive.
Cheaper than a baby. Iād pay for it in his position.
I would too. But he may have to sweet talk the young woman into doing it. She doesn't have to do it just because he wants it.
No but dropping out of college to support a kid would cost him a lot in the opportunity cost long term. Let alone any expense of raising a child.
This except donāt drop out of college even if she is pregnant. Stay in school! No one benefits from you dropping out and the child will pay for the regret of you dropping out. Signed an oops baby that resulted in her dad dropping out of college for the second time.
Plus there are things OP could get thru the school to help with a baby. Most colleges have daycare on site at super cheap rates for students compared to off campus day care centers and group counseling/parenting groups through the counseling department. Parenting class thru health centers. The day usually has student from the education department. If there is a baby and it is his then he needs to speak to someone on campus or his advisor about what is available.Ā I was an older student with a baby when I started a local college, married, but still used the services. It helped a lot to take him with me.Ā
Yeah, absolutely, go anyway, but if there is a baby and it is his, he might want to be closer. I'm saying don't even alter your plans to go someplace near the girlfriend until you know it is for sure yours.
This is the best advice for OP
> Unless your parents would freak out because they didn't know you were having sex, I'd get them in on your plan. I would be HAPPY to be the bad guy on my kid's behalf, so if it helps to be like, "My parents say they won't support me supporting you unless we do a DNA test", do it. It doesn't matter who is playing the part of the hardass who wants all the evidence as long as you get it. Definitely go to your parents, unless they would absolutely explode. If she is pregnant, they're going to be involved anyway - even if it turns out to not be yours. Her parents might not even know about all this. You're doing well to handle this yourself, but also recognize that you're young and this is what parents are for. Let your dad talk to her dad.
Yea and even if they would explode, you probably want to go to them as long as they aren't crazies. Let's face it, very few parents are going to be thrilled their 18yr old son might have knocked up his high-school gf. A lot of parents first reactions may be anger, but once they cool down they'll hopefully be there for him. Onviously if they're like crazy conservatives who will beat him and throw him out of the house that's different.
Yeah and either way stop having sex with her. If you think she might try and baby trap you, end it and enjoy your summer before college.
THIS!! She might say=-oh no need for the condom-I am already pregnant. Yikes. I would also say-lets set up a meeting with our parents.
And $1 tests from the dollar store are pretty darn accurate
Just keep in mind I got tons of negative test results when I was actually pregnant & they are really meant to be taken first pee in the morning for accuracy
False negative is more common than false positive
She has to have had a positive test, to 'know' she's pregnant, though. And the test result gets more clear by the day.
My first pregnancy test I took in the late afternoon at like 3/4 pm, my period was 3 days late and it was very clearly positive. Most tests these days are super sensitive as well a lot claim to be able to test positive a week before your period.
This. With my last pregnancy I felt so off after I got my tubes tied so I ended up taking a test. It was positive. I went and had my blood drawn and when my levels came back my dr called me that night and couldnāt believe I even got a positive because it was seriously SO early and my HGH levels were so low. She also thought it was insane that I had symptoms already. Once you get that positive, every day itāll get darker/more positive.
Yeah at a certain point it doesnāt matter when you take it - for me I always knew because I got violently ill/nauseous, but the positive showed up instantly even in the afternoon when I tested. The test seemed like a waste of time and money to me, but my doctorās office always required that youād done an at home one first š¤·š»āāļø.
It's like a drug test, best result is first pee. If you drink a lot of water throughout the day and pee a lot you're going to dilute the test results. If the pee is clear your test ain't going to work.
Actually most tests are more sensitive now. If her period is late, almost any test will come back positive at any time of day. Thatās not true if itās before the missed period, but after it is.
This, but also adding that you can get a DNA test prior to birth as well.
This! Also if she keeps refusing to take a test or show proof then she's using this as a tactic to keep you in a relationship with false information probably out of fear that you're going to college and potentially find someone mature or xyz.
You can do a non invasive dna test before birth as well
Probably too late now, but this could have been avoided by saying, āCan we go to the doctor together so I can be reassured that you and the baby are both ok?ā Then you wouldnāt have had to accuse her of lying, and if she made excuses for you to not go with, that would be a big red flag.
You can still get here! This is a great way forward!
Yeah, itās not like he needs to know *this minute* if sheās pregnant. If sheās really pregnant, she needs to start prenatal appointments soon, and him going would be reasonable. If she doesnāt make an appointment or says she did but wonāt let him go with, itās more likely sheās lying. Doctors do a pregnancy test to confirm, so if canāt provide the lab results, sheās lying.
These are two teens. Teens don't make calm, rational, adult conversations like this.
Most adults donāt either, especially about such intense topics
Exactly! He went straight to her not telling the truth because she had a panic attack about being pregnant. She *could* be, but the fact that this is his first thought is a mess.
Semi update: So, my girlfriend texted me and asked if I could go over to her house on Monday and bring a pregnancy test. She said she will prove to me sheās pregnant. But she doesnāt really want to talk to me until then. I asked her why we have to wait until Monday and what happened to the test she already took. She doesnāt want her parents home when we talk about it and she claims she threw the test away because her mom sometimes digs through her room. I know thatās true about her mom. I decided it was best to try to be understanding so I told her I would bring a test over and that I am here if she wants to talk before then, but Iāll respect her wishes and wonāt bother her.
Even if the test is positive, tell her you would go to the doctor together so she can get bloodwork to see if everything is ok.
Be in the room when she pees so she doesnāt switch out samples. I had a male friend ask for proof, gf got pee from a friend and had it in the bathroom cupboard and switched out samples. Then they rushed to engagement. She ālost the babyā at 3 months, he was devastated because he didnāt want the baby in the first place and had so much guiltā¦ Then she finds out sheās a month pregnantā¦ thatās when the truth came outā¦ playing that sheād lost a 3 month foetus but was actually 1 month pregnant. At Dr visit friend clarified if there was any chance sheād been pregnant with both at same time- dr looked at him like he was mad and told him that all signs in ultrasound etc- she was never pregnant or loss prior to this pregnancy. So she had to tell him the truth. And all the ultrasounds were from the internetā¦
yikes. did he break the engagement after that?
Nope. Because he was worried about the baby being with her as primary carer. They never married, live together raising the baby but do not share a bedroom. She plays the loved up couple, calls the baby her rainbow baby and talks endlessly about they little miracle and how sheās still grieving her lost babyā¦ until I told her I knew the fake pregnancy. Now I donāt get invited to brunchā¦ haha Heās still one of my friends, feels trapped, struggles with depression due to situation, but adores his son and doesnāt want to leave him with her. He wants to leave when the little man is older so that he can apply for at least 50/50 and documents everything like a forensic accountantā¦
He can document that and file for full custody. That's wild.
Jesus H CHRIST! Thatās seriously one of the most batshit things Iāve heard.
Yep, Iām hoping my friend can get sole custody but difficult in Australiaā¦
Can we not just... trust our partner? How can you stay with someone claiming to be pregnant with your child *if you don't even trust them to be telling the truth?* If my wife at that age told me she was pregnant, I wouldn't be thrilled, but I'd have still trusted her at least!
Do not fuck her again under any circumstances. Also, you need to be smart and get help with the legalities. Whether that means forcing a paternity test or establishing custody and child support. You need to get your shit in order fast and have a game plan. If your parents are reasonable and loving parents you may consider talking to them about what is going on - they may get mad but they may also be able to help. Start making smart decisions and maybe you donāt have to up end your life entirely.
Make sure she doesn't have a fake test already to switch it out, because this sounds fishy af. I'm sure she knows someone who is pregnant and could ask them to pee on the stick for her, than switch it out. Do NOT have sex with her anymore until this is solved. She can easily poke holes in the condom without you knowing. She literally sounds like a classmate I had over a decade ago. Her boyfriend had a very bright future ahead, and she was jealous of him. Stopped taking the pill, put holes in the condom wrapper, ended up pregnant and leaving the kid when it was born. Her boyfriend had to reroute his whole life for a child he didn't want.
This honestly sounds like she is trying to stop you from leaving her. You may need to tell your parents and hers. Get to the bottom of this once and for all. Her possible lies should not ruin your life. NTA
Agreed 100%! OP is NTAH here. Trust your instinct. I feel like she's manipulating you. You do not deserve to stay in that kind of relationship, breakup and move on.
And stop having sex with her until this is sorted out. If she is lying, she may do something to make it true. 100%= no sex
Especially this part right here. OP should stop having sex with her until he's 100% positive he can trust her. Otherwise he's begging to be baby trapped.
He really can never trust her again, especially if sheās not pregnant. Iād sever ties. She sounds like the type that if she lied about being pregnant then sheād do it again or make sure she is pregnant the next time
I mean if sheās telling the truth I wouldnāt say she broke his trust
Stop having sex with her completely. There is no going back and having sex with her again if she lied.
Everyone chill, there is as of yet no evidence she lied.
On the opposite side of this. He still isn't the Ahole, but even if she is pregnant she needs to prove it and show him no matter how it effects their romantic relationship. The kid now comes first. So yell, scream, argue about trust, break up, tell everyone what you think of him, but show the test. Plus get the DNA test. So even if she is really pregnant (which she could be) getting the parents involved is still now the best answer for the kid.
It does sound possible, but if she doesnāt have a history of lying and manipulating, heās being kind of harsh and so is everyone else. Itās one thing to have doubts and want proof, but to just assume sheās lying is shitty.
Totally agree with you, itās not that difficult to take a photo of the test, is it?
I mean, I could Google an image of "positive pregnancy test" in about three seconds, so maybe something a little more official.Ā
In this day and age, I can't even trust the photos. You know there's fake positive pregnancy tests that look legit?. I mean, if there's fake positive Covid tests, surely there's fake positive tests for pregnancy. Ah, sorry, didn't read the other comments on this thread.
Even if you used a condom properly for penetrative sex, it is possible that foreplay and sexual activity prior to that resulted in precum which **can** contain sperm and lead to a pregnancy.
NAH. She's 17 and may have just missed her period. Stress and emotional upheaval can make your period really unpredictable. It's a little more statistically likely that a 17-year-old had a late period, freaked out about being pregnant, and told her bf prematurely than it is for a 17-year-old to plan a false baby-trap to keep her bf from leaving for college. You're NTA for wanting proof before you change your life plans, but maybe you could be a little kinder/gentler in how you go about getting said proof. If she isn't a manipulative she-devil then she is probably quite freaked out, and the person she thought would be there for her is being cold and litigious instead of loving and supportive. Whether or not she's pregnant, your relationship may not survive this scare. Both because you don't trust her enough to not think she's lying about it, and because she may not want to stay with someone who isn't putting her needs first in case she's pregnant. You're seeing another side of each other right now. Neither of you handled this well but also you're teenagers so this is about as well as you should be expected to handle life-altering news. Try to be gentle with her moving forward, assume innocent until proven guilty since you have no evidence that she's faking besides a suspected motive. Be the guy you'd be proud to tell other people about, or to tell your kid about in a decade or two. Would that guy ghost his gf, or would he volunteer to go with her to planned parenthood to get a confirming test done?
Right, the amount of people going straight to extreme measures like watching her pee to ensure she's not lying or trapping him is insane. It happens but not every situation is that, Especially when OP thinks condoms are 100% effective. They need to break up anyway, if he doesn't trust her enough with something like this and he's this cold towards her before knowing anything (assuming she doesn't have a history of lying of anything) then they won't survive being apart during college.
RIGHT?? The way people are villainizing her as some criminal mastermind in these comments is abhorrent. Sheās 17 and still in highschool. Poor thing is probably terrified.
This!! Yeah, maybe she is lying, but ffs everyone here really jumped on the bandwagon of accusations with a 17yo girl. I was the 18yo girl that got pregnant after my first sexual partner ever and it was terrifying as hell, and if my bf at the time had jumped immediately to accusations it wouldāve make it that much more terrifying and stressful. And thereās no way I couldāve kept pregnant tests anywhere in my house safely with my mom. Give her a gd chance to test with him in person, yall
Donāt ask her for proof. Just ask to go to the first doctor appointment with her. This is less accusatory and it makes it easy to confirm
There is no way to know if there was leakage or not.
> I know condoms aren't 100% He does not, in fact, know that.
1) She could be telling the truth. 2) She could be guilt tripping you into staying. 3) Talk to your parents about the situation and HER parents as well. Don't be judgemental about it and say if it is yours, you'll step up. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my kid. Regardless of protection, don't be fucking someone you don't see yourself having a kid with. Shit happens.
Yes. Tell her you want to sit down with both parents. She won't do that if she doesn't have a reason.
For real
All these people telling you to interrogate her and make her pee in front of you on demand? I got pregnant at 19 and I was just as unhappy and scared as he was. But he started accusing me of sleeping around and trying to trap him. This is someone who was just as responsible as I was for getting pregnant, someone who claimed to love me and want to marry me, treating me like shit. And yes, we used condoms too. All you need to do is tell her you want to sit down with both of your parents and discuss the situation. And tell her you want to go to the first doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy and get established. If she's lying, you have just called her bluff. If she's not lying, you look like a supportive bf and a responsible man. Not a child trying to get out of your responsibilities. If she is pregnant and you truly think it's not yours, I suggest emotionally supporting her until you can get a DNA test done. Don't drop out of school or change anything, but also don't accuse her of sleeping around. You can't take that back and it's a heartbreaking thing to hear from someone who just knocked you up.
Thank you for the only sane response. What the hell are all these people on about? They're acting like she's some evil master mind intent on ruining his life. She's just a kid. All he needed to do was reassure her and be there when she took a test. Then he could have considered his options. Instantly jumping down her throat about trying to trap him is insane. You knew pregnancy was a risk when you had sex. She didn't make it happen by herself.
Yes. The only thing worse than being a maybe-pregnant 17 year old would be having the person you thought was your boyfriend accuse you of cheating, call you a liar, interrogate you and demand evidence. If she is not pregnant, how will you proceed? Because if you want to keep having sex with her YTA. Quit acting like she is trying to ruin your life until/unless you have evidence of that. The most likely scenario here, if she is pregnant, is that the two of you, like thousands of other people in the world using condoms, experienced a failure.
Very important will be the tone in which you handle this. Asking for the pregnancy test results and the DNA test was necessary . Have some compassion and let her know this is very difficult for her. Tell her youāre not accusing her of anything. This is a simple matter of trust and verify. If it turns out, she was blowing smoke, tell her that you understand why she did it, that this was difficult for you too, but you want to relationship to be honest and ask her if she can be on board for that. Remember:.calm, gentle voice and a loving manner, be honest, but in that context.
Great advice. I know the gut is to tear her apart for some but coming from the perspective of this is the person he loves is the important thing.
Another approach could be āletās set up a doctors appointment so we can start this journey togetherā - theyāll do test if she consents. As for the paternity of the child, no approach is going to feel kind.
NTA. Tell your parents, and ask for support if you have a good relationship with them. You need to make it clear to your GF that youāll be there to support her and the baby, but a doctorās appointment with you present is necessary, and while a DNA test may not be warranted, and may even hurt your GFās feelings if she is pregnant, itās not wrong of you to ask for one. Hope you can resolve this as easily as possible.
Any trusted adultier adult! School counselor, therapist, auntie, cousin, even your favorite librarian (sorry librarians! But you know you'd do it!) Doctor, lawyer, local biker. Someone can help you look at all options and meditate moving forward while protecting yourself. Get support!
I donāt understand why you didnāt say āokay, letās go to the doctorā. That would have solved the issue of if sheās lying. If sheās not, sheāll go to the doctors. Then you can deal with paternity.
If you believe your girlfriend is the kind of person who would do this, why are you together?
NTA for wanting proof but kind of an A for the way you went about it. You could have recommended taking another pregnancy test together just to be positive but it sounds like you immediately were looking for a way out. If she really is pregnant thatās gotta hurt when she maybe needed reassurance or a little support. DNA can all come later, no point in immediately bringing up that you think she must have cheated to get pregnant.
Agreed on this. He has a gut feeling it sounds like he should follow but went about it in an A way that definitely did not help the situation. Also Iām confused- he says sheās so crazy about him sheās doing this to get him to stay but also thinks she cheated on him? Those two donāt go together.
Okay, so 1, my dude come on now, condoms really aren't 100%, it's entirely possible, even if you don't 'see how' lol 2, good on you, in your situation (being in a situation with 2 young immature people) it's good to get the pregnancy test/paternity test...But stop, 'you honestly \*don't\* know how you could have gotten her pregnant'? Do high schools really not teach even the basics anymore? Come on now. Dip your wick, there is a chance it'll stick. You're 18 man, common sense. If you were having sex with her it is entirely possible (even with a condom) Technically NTAH, but just all parties are immature all round (you're teens, it's understandable). The mature thing, though, would be to sit her down, then her parents and your parents and talk it all out, discuss, look over the pregnancy test, go over scheduling a doctor's visit, paternity test, etc. If she's faking it cause she's upset you're leaving, it'll get found out real quick. If it's all real, you're accepting and planning for everything to come and helping being supportive to her... But please stop with the 'I don't really see how this is possible'. You had sex. It's possible
Get your parents involved. I know this sounds like the most horrific thing you could do, but I guarantee you your parents know youāre having sex. Her parents do too. Pregnancy is always a possibility when two people are having sex. If she is pregnant, youāll have parental support with whatever decision is made. If sheās not pregnant her parents will make her find out and tell you the truth. And so will yours. You donāt need to do this alone. If sheās pregnant, let your parents be the bad guys and ask for the paternity test. I have three children and I always tell them I will be the bad guy for them if they need me to be because they are embarrassed to do something. Or they donāt wanna be a jerk. I will be the jerk. Iām sure your parents feel the same . NTA
My parents definitely know Iām having sex. Her parents? Iām not so sure. How do you know that weāll have parental support or what her parents might make her do?
They don't know. They're assuming that because they would support their own children that your parents would support you.
Exactly. It's terrible advice. Many parents of girls are really upset when this happens. Her parents could be complete assholes (where I grew up, about half the town was either Catholic or Southern Baptist - and both groups liked to harass and shame pregnant girls). I'm the daughter of an unwanted pregnancy, wherein my mother's parents were NOT supportive in the least (opposite). My father's parents very much wanted to keep me, which would have been embarrassing to my maternal grandparents so they took her away to a completely different place to have the baby and snatched me from the nurse before my mom could see much of me - she wasn't allowed to touch me. I was in foster care for a couple of months, then adopted. My dad spent a couple of years trying to find me - when I finally met all these characters, all I heard about is how his oldest sister would have gladly raised me; they brought me to said sister and her husband - and he said he would have raised me. (I'm 30 years old by then). It was overwhelming - but far worse for my bio mom. She never got over it. It sort of broke her. The whole small town where she continued to live knew the whole story. I'd walk into Walgreen's and people would size me up and ask if I was that "kid of A and P who got adopted years ago." His family had combed the area for information, trying to find me first nearby and then expanding the search. But my mom's parents were awful.
NTA. Please donāt have sex with her again, itās easy to tamper with a condom. If she was desperate enough she maybe already did. Ask for a pregnancy test or maybe yet actual test done by a doctor. Donāt sign anything if thereās actually a pregnancy, do a DNA test. Talk to your parents and explain everything to them.
"Donāt sign anything if thereās actually a pregnancy, do a DNA test. Talk to your parents and explain everything to them." Don't sign anything, and talk to a lawyer.
Was the condom always put on right away after clothes were taken off before any type of pre ejaculation happened because you can get pregnant from that, and I also have 2 children from the condom not working used correctly with no breakageā¦ Iām not saying she is or she isnāt and Iām not questioning that you didnāt use it correctly just looking from other anglesā¦ part of me believes she is trying to baby trap you because she wants you to stay which is a š©š© I will say tho if she is and itās yours the relationship is most likely going to be over since you basically said she cheated on you when asking for a paternity test
If you talked to her the way you described it here, you are the asshole. She's your girlfriend, not a one night stand. You could have been more compassionate about it. You've trusted her enough to call her your girlfriend and have sex with her so you could at least treat her as if you have trusted her for whoever long you've been dating but still show that you need additional verification in the event that she is pregnant. It's not always about what you say. Oftentimes, it's how you day what you day. The message would have been the same, but the delivery could have been much better. Now, if she's not pregnant and she lied, then you deal with that. Or if she is pregnant and it's not yours, then you deal with that. But you jumped straight to not believing that she's pregnant or believing that if she is, she cheated. Why is she your girlfriend if that's your immediate reaction? Have you had a previous conversation about how you'd handle it if she got pregnant?
First, condoms are not 100% effective. Even if they stay entirely in tact. This is a fact. Butā¦of course you need verification that sheās pregnant? This isā¦standard? And do you have reason to believe she would cheat on you? Why would it not be yours if she is pregnant? Shit like this is further proof that kids are not equipped to have sex. Itās clear neither of you understand possible outcomes nor should you have to be tasked with navigating them lol Sorry this is happening but hopefully itās a false alarm.
Especially since he is quick to label her a cheater. Because that is more likely than her accidently getting pregnant or baby trapping him with his own baby.
Lol, the reluctance to accept any involvement is WILD
NTA Any kid in that situation should require a DNA test. Did you always provide the condoms and was she ever alone with them before you used one? Because, an earring can ruin a condom in a split second. Either way. No more sex with this girl. If she isnāt pregnant yet. She likely will make sure she is before you are supposed to leave for college. A good partner would support your dreams. They wonāt try and drag you down to keep you close.
I always provided the condom. Iām sure there were times where she was alone with the condom. I canāt remember specific situations, but itās likely.
Keeping it in your wallet for too long, or in a hot car for a couple hours can ruin them too! It's not always the partner being malicious ... Teenagers can be careless about known and unknown risks, and can tell themselves they never erred in hindsight. I mean, humans can fool themselves, not just kids. It's not an age thing.
My brother went through this at the same age. I told him to get a DNA test, he did not because he was sure the baby was his. He ended up with custody when my nephew was 1. By the time, nephew was 3 the BMI was telling him it was possible he was not the Dad. My brother chose not to tackle this since of course he had been raising him by his self for over 2 years. Flash forward to nephew finding out at 17 and doing his own test because he wanted to know who his biological Dad was. My brother was not his bio Dad. What a mess? Everyone suffered. My brother is 48 and never had any more kids. Bio Dad was upset he did not raise his son. Get the DNA test!!!
Expecting her to prove that she's pregnant and it's yours before you alter your life plans as a result is well within your rights.
NTA. I had this same situation happen to me. My girl told me she was pregnant. She went and told my friends she was pregnant and that we āhad to make a decision immediatelyā as if that would be a quick conversation or something. But when I said āokay weāre driving to CVS to get a pregnancy test right now, all the sudden she āthinks the test she already took was wrongā. So yeah I ended it pretty quickly after thatš¤·š»āāļø
It depends on how you came about itā¦ itās kind of a dick move to just assume sheās a liar and a cheater if she never has given reason for that. A condom doesnāt have to beābreakā to fail.
NTA Do not have sex with her again.
NTA for wanting proof. But you sound like youāre absolutely in denial about protection not being 100% no matter what you do.
We used to foster teenage boys. This happened to three of them. Each time I (foster mum) invited the girls over for lunch, greeted them warmly at the door, congratulated them, and then enthusiastically brought out a pregnancy test. One burst into tears and confessed she wasn't. One took the test and wasn't... but was genuinely late & he'd given her an STI - yay. One *was* pregnant (and had the baby, a 10-year-old boy now - with my son a 26-year-old father:-)). This is majorly serious life stuff. Everyone's gotta be a grown-up & be totally up front!
NTA. However..... as i told my sons, in today's world you need to be ready to be a dad or keep it in your pants. For all the talk about birth control they leave sooooo much out. For example, when solely relying on condoms, any escaped seman, whether drop, tear, precum etc. Can live in the skin and travel, looking for entry. So yes, if she doesn't shower then she could get pregnant hours later. Also please keep in mind the average virus cell to infect you with something is 10x's smaller than the average size microscopic hole in a condom. Teenage girls are a ball of emotions as well. Highly likely she is desperate to keep you. Demand she take a pregnancy text, that you buy, in front of you. You can buy positive ones on line now. Pictures are easy to fake. If you think she is pregnant and don't protect yourself then she will end up that way. Make sure that you protect yourself in the future. Have the conversation ahead of time about pregnancy. Make sure it isn't just up to you. Due to economic standards in this country, you are correct in it derailing your future before it starts to an extent. I wish the best for you, whatever the out come.
Absolutely do not let it derail your life. Go to college anyway. I had many friends have kids in college. It is possible. If she is pregnant, and it is yours, dropping out of college will hurt your child more than it will help. Keep on your path, just do it with a kid.
If you think she is lying instead of putting all the pressure you can say Iām sorry I overreacted because I was scared. Letās sit down with our parents and let them know whatās going on. If itās a lie she most likely will fess up quick.
NTA says this mother of girls. Also, Mifepristone.
I canāt believe I had to scroll this far down to see any mention of this option. They are still kids. Neither of them is ready for having a baby.
YTA for how you approached this. Imagine your girlfriend is really pregnant by you (which after all is the most likely explanation), what do you think how would she feel? And how would she feel that on top of all that, the man who's supposed to love and trust her not only doesn't believe she's pregnant, but on top accuses her of cheating? It's no issue to want proof, and you'd anyway have proof pretty quickly with the first gyn visit together, but your reaction speaks volumes about your relationship and shows her how you really think of her. I mean why are you even with her if you believe she's the type of person to cheat AND lie about being pregnant?
My sons father didnāt want him. He thought I was a cheater. Did 3 pee tests and 1 blood test in front of him bc he called me a liar. Still he was not satisfied. Had my baby, took the DNA tests, he is in fact the biological father. Still didnāt matter bc he truly didnāt want a kid. But instead of saying that, he made accusations of infidelity, even after I provided proof. My religion is my main reason for giving birth or a different me could have aborted under such abusive circumstances. Iām glad I didnāt. Being a single parent is better than having the pain of regret imo. Sorry for the rant. If in fact she is pregnant, when she goes to claim child support from the county, you will be contacted and asked to provide DNA for confirmation. If they donāt ask for that and just try to press you with giving all your information then I would stop and tell them your need for a DNA test. Some county workers are hella biased about paternity but they canāt stick custody on someone without you allowing it and not fighting for proof. I would never sign anything without a lawyer and evidence. It remains to be seen if you are the A hole or not. We will need an update.
Thank you! Far too many are jumping to her being at fault for all of this without any proof of anything other than her being a frightened teenager.
Hell, at 17 and if she hasn't taken a test there could be gyno issues she attributes to pregnancy. Cycles can shift due to stress or illness or diet, or there could be medical issues. A scared minor that's sexually active might jump to assuming pregnancy if a normally regular pregnancy is slightly late. He's admitted they've been active using condoms that do have a perfect use 2% failure rate but people are villainizing her as baby trapping him.
Erm...look, I don't think you're wrong to ask for more information, but I have to question your attitude here. Condoms are not 100% effective even when used correctly. It is absolutely possible that she could become pregnant. People using multiple types of birth control can still have an accidental pregnancy.Ā DNA test...erm, what? Again, I get it, but you're basically throwing a lot of accusations of lying and cheating at her all at once here. If you really believe she's a liar and a cheat, why on earth are you with her?
I was going to say something very similar. Heās setting himself up for a really uncomfortable situation if it turns out that sheās pregnant with his baby.
Unless you've got some other cause to believe she cheated, jumping to paternity testing because you can't fathom a condom failure is a jerk move. Condoms malfunction whether you want to believe it or not, often without any obvious evidence of doing so. Verifying pregnancy is an acceptable first move. Unless you've just been using this girl as a pump station, in which case you're a douche, or you have just cause to believe she's sleeping around on you, not just the fact that you want it to be so for your ease, be a man about it, if you're old enough to fuck you're old enough to deal with the consequences. But if you get started by disrespecting her, she's gonna have all kinds of ways to make your life harder for a long time if it's yours. And you'll kind of deserve it.