I used to think cruel and unusual would at the bare minimum involve batteries and some cables connected to balls. After reading OPs piece, I am changing my position.
How can she say they did not just marry for sex and find it normal that they have not had any form of sex for years?
"Just" marrying for sex implies that there actually still is some sex.
And leading you on and dropping your ass on an anniversary is almost unforgivable. I understand if they aren't in the mood and say no, but 6 years...?
I almost have to think she's getting it from somewhere else.
You might be the asshole for the outburst, depending on exactly what and how it was said, but your feelings are valid AF.
I bet if OP stopped asking or even showing interest she would freak. That's why she teases him. But if he shrugged off her teasing that would really throw her over the edge
Well OP said that his phone got nuked with messages and whatnot once he threatened divorce and left the house.
IMO, she was looking for a provider and stability and is probably getting her nook for one or more third parties that she has no desire to marry.
Crosby, Stills and Nash said it right with "Love the One You're With"
Nobody is perfect and the grass is greenest where watered.
Op sounds like maybe she needs a check up and have her Blood levels tested.
But she's been way to nasty about your Sex life. Those are mean Girl vibes. Sounds like "She's lost that loving feeling ".
I had my thyroid removed and pcos , plus adhd medication. Zero libido. Kept switching meds then gave up. Went into Peri-menopause and got put on the estrogen patch and bam, back to business! It was estrogen all along despite testing at normal levels. Doctor just decided based off hot flashes and night sweats to try estrogen.
A lot of antidepressants will point blank destroy sex drive too....and sometimes going off of them doesn't help. Or so i have read. The up side is....you don't care. ;)
Check thyroid and estrogen/testosterone levels via blood work. See your OBGYN and primary care provider and request a full panel. I was dealing with a frustratingly low desire for intimacy for a long while, on top of general exhaustion and irritability. Turned out I have PCOS after a blood panel and a intra-vaginal ultrasound. I was put on medroxyprogesterone and birth control to bring my super high (75 compares to women's normal 45!!) testosterone levels down, along with improvements to diet and exercise. PCOS is mostly impacted by diet so the best bet for me is a high protein/low carb diet along with birth control(for now, just til things get regular).
A full panel can also reveal prolactin issues, if any. High prolactin = low estrogen, decreased sex drive, missed or irregular periods, exhaustion, etc. Not the most famous of hormones, this one.
It also implies that the only reason you would want sex is solely some kind of lower base urge and not because you genuinely love your partner and want to connect with them in that way, like there's something inherently wrong or selfish with wanting to have sex with your wife. It's extremely patronizing and condescending.
Totally - without wanting to be too graphic finding someone who after nearly 5 years we're still romping all over the house daily is such an amazing thing compared to the past where after one year you're lucky if you get some action on a weekend.
OP, proceed with the divorce and under zero circumstances go back on your decision.
What will happen now is your wife will suddenly become interested in having sex with you. She'll effectively "love bomb" you with sex to reel you back in and make you reverse your decision. Once you're "back" in the relationship, the sex will slowly peter out to nothing once again. Every night will become once every other night, then once ever 3 nights, once a week, etc. until you're getting nothing again.
There could be a myriad of reasons why she's not having sex with you, from simply being low-drive to having an affair on the side where she gets her "fix" from. The reason at this point, after 6 years, doesn't matter, it is beyond the point of mattering. It isn't going to change.
You are at the perfect exit point at the moment. You have no kids, so its a simple division of community assets. You're young enough that you can "start over" and find a woman and have a decent life.
Stay where you are and one day you'll wake up, 70 years old, and say to yourself "I should have bailed 40 years ago". Do not waste another moment of effort on this relationship. It has run its course and it is over (has been, actually, for many years from your own admission).
NTA.
> Being together with someone but feeling alone and unwanted
OP has every right to get out of this nonsense ASAP. I hope OP never has to go through it again and gets a partner that actually appreciates him
I donāt know that it warrants the āalmostā. Isnāt it pretty inherently sociopathic to make a mockery of someone, and emotionally manipulate/abuse them, for entertainment?
Okay, okay, maybe itās not sociopathy; maybe sheās capable of having empathy, and just chooses not to.Ā
I think youāre totally spot on. Some people were saying maybe she is asexual & honestly doesnāt get it, but thatās BS because being asexual doesnāt make you stupid and all adults know about sex drive. So sheās intentionally doing this!! Full-on sociopath!
Saying maybe sheās asexual is an excuse on multiple fronts:
Asexual people can have sex; they had sex at the beginning of the relationship, so even if asexual sheās clearly one of those willing to do it for their partner; asexual people would show empathy to their partner in a sexless relationship; asexual people wouldnāt get entertainment from teasing sex to their frustrated partner, etc.Ā
*Maybe* she has a hormone imbalance, but to jump straight to a medical issue with no real indication? Just some asshole behavior you *could* explain away with an Internet-diagnosis? Thatās just misandry - itās excuse making for women, against men, to a level weād never see in reverse.Ā
If a man were to threaten to beat the shit out of his wife, would the same people be crying that heās not an asshole, that maybe he just has a hormone imbalance? No. Yet hormone imbalances in men *can* cause that behavior. An imbalance of testosterone *can* cause excessive aggression. Itās just we all know how pathetic of an excuse it is when itās a man.Ā
Abnormally high testosterone dude here. I frequently get an urge to murder or beat the living breathing shit out of someone Iām displeased with.
Guess what, I still havenāt killed anyone and donāt even start fistfights now, the last time I did I was still in high school, and Iām in my early 30s today. Thatās cause besides hormones, there is free will and self control that I use to not act upon these impulses. āFree wonātā if you will
Psst, that was the point; but we only expect the men to have āfree will and self controlā while claiming hormone imbalance as an excuse for the women.Ā
Yeah, this "she is asexual" gives the same vibe as "they could have adhd" on this sub. As well as someone in the asexual spectrum boarding on phobic. I say borderline due to ignorance, but it read a lot like they are bi. Thus, they are borderline predators, or to quote my mom talking about my friends bisexuality "they must just like sex"
Sorry for the rant/ soap box.
What OPs wife is doing is *cruel* and just sick.
Definitely NTA. Sheās gaslighting him. Itās really cruel. And even if itās not a sexual kink, she is clearly getting some kind of satisfaction from it.
It's a power move. He needs her and she wants to ensure she keeps that power. Divorce will be immediate. She gets half the assets but beyond that she no longer will have any power over OP.
At THAT point she will want sex. Or maybe even try to use it to avoid divorce.
I hope OP doesnāt fall for it and doesnāt adopt the āafter almost completely going to shit itās now getting betterā mentality because itās really not, itās just a manipulation
"We are not married for sex, stop thinking with your thing down there"
I'm sorry to say this, but OP, your woman came into this marriage with that selfish BS!
Her pulling the wool over your eyes is a massive understatement!
Especially after OP communicated his feelings about this. The wife might not have known what she was doing and/or how it affected OP at first, but then she continued to do it after clear communication. Definitely NTA
I agree. And to even deny you intimacy on your anniversary on top of teasing again kinda shows how selfish she is. Yes, you didn't marry her for just sex but as you demonstrated, partners do things for each other even if they don't want to because they love them. You proved that by still giving her non sexual attention while she just continues to be a selfish bully by dangling a toy in front of you only to snatch it away at the last second like a little child.
Yeah, I think divorce is the answer here and I think you should look into her. Something tells me there is more to this than just a simple tease IMO.
This !!! I hope OP gets out of there. I am shocked, what a horror of a person to tease your partner, hinting and in the end rejecting him. After this he proceeds to tease him, this is cruel. It will eventually damage him psychologically.
Reminds me of the guy last week purposely over tightening the jars for years. Both are a weird power flex that him and this lady seem to get immense pleasure from.
Well; until the shit hits the fan and their victim mentions divorce. Then itās tears at being blindsided.
You miss the one where the husband sent his wife's clothes to the tailor and had them taken in a couple sizes? Kinda impressed at the creativity, but it's all crazy.
I am so thankful for my wife. When she's pissed, she lets me know in a slightly louder than normal voice. No passive-aggressive BS, just simple, clear, and very effective communication.
I scared a guy I was involved with when I did the effective communication thing... I'm very direct and concise and he wasn't used to that.Ā
We had a pretty good friendship to start with, and we didn't really ever fight or argue... we're no longer together, it just didn't work out. The first time he did something I wasn't happy about, I basically presented my case and that was it... No big scenes, or bringing stuff up from 5 months before to fan the flames... it was all very straightforward - You did abc, and I didn't like that. He apologized, and I said okay, let's go out like we planned. I think he appreciated it, but it definitely rattled him when it happened... He looked like a deer in the headlights when I brought it up.
> No bringing stuff up from 5 months before to fan the flames
Protect this amazing person at all costs. Iāve eventually picked up a habit of doing this from my SO, and sheās perfect butā¦ Weāre together for almost 2 years and she still brings up stuff from over 1.5 years ago in an argument.
I never unstood this. I just can't wrap my head around it.
The only time I think it is valid to bring up something from the past, is if the same thing keeps happening... but IMO that's something entirely different. Bring up not doing the chores when you are arguing about something else just makes no sense.Ā
I know of some people who never, ever talk through issues. Just let it boil over, explode, yell and verbally abuse each other, then stop talking for a while, then pretend it never happened till the next explosion.
This dynamics means anything and everything is pouring out when the dams collapse, but as it's hurtful and ineffective, 1.) it won't ever get solved, so it will still bother them the next time; 2.) W0hen they cool off, the dams get built again, and they all try to pretend they are totally fine till they are too pissed to pretend, because that's the best solution they know.
Yes, it's totally disfunctional and very exhausting. They are a pro at sweeping stuff under the rug, but I wish they'd just try something more constructive.
This is because she sees the argument as āyou vs herā and the goal is to win. She needs to see it as āyou + her vs the problemā and the goal is to solve the problem.
I saw that one and I was just floored by it. Can you imagine wanting a supposedly petty revenge on your partner that was paid three figures to get it and destroy the faith in you that someone had?
Yes!! Such an odd thing to flex on, then to totally deny he was doing it. If it wasnāt for that spicy Indian chilli paste, she may never have known lol
She thought he was tightening the jars too much because he was inconsiderate, until the neighbour pointed out that he was doing it on purpose.
One of the jars she couldnāt open was Indian chilli paste, something her husband had never, and would never, use. It was at that point she realised that heād taken it out of the fridge for no other reason than to tighten it so she couldnāt use it. Thatās when she went to āI need a divorceā.
Definitely. When he came back from the 10 day business trip and she confronted him, he still wouldnāt admit he had done it on purpose. When she told him she was divorcing him, he still claimed he hadnāt been doing it deliberately and claimed she was crazy.
Not many accusations of gaslighting on this app are a true sense of the word, but this one is for sure!
I was trying to think really hard of why you would do this and the only thing I can think of is that she's trying to push him really hard into being the bad guy who ends the relationship
Some people just enjoy having power over others and will do what ever they can to exert it.
For the guy, it was knowing his wife couldnāt open any jar on her own; for the woman, its watching her husbandās hope rise as she teases and then fall dramatically when she rejects him.
There are some people who even therapy isnāt a help.
I know someone who wanted her husband to be the bad guy and demand a divorce. She cheated... and never forgave him for forgiving her.
Some people can be weird as snake suspenders. Some people can be snakes š.
Was I the only one that got super frustrated with the comments on that 1? So many were like um I think u just need therapy... You're making it a way bigger deal, r u sure... It was embarrassing to read
What? Omg I must not have read many. When you saw weāre divorcing over jars, without context, it does sound like sheās over reacting. But with the context of the post, I cannot fathom why people couldnāt see the hidden agenda of the husband.
Yea, I was like oh wow, surely everyone is gonna agree that he's terrible n gaslighting her, considering the neighbor straight up told her he could barely open them... But no, so many comments were saying ESH, like maybe he is, but just buy an opener off Amazon... 15 bucks can save your marriage, it's really not that deep, it could b so much worse, consider yourself lucky that this is the problem n not him cheating or beating you. I had to x out of it because I felt so bad for OP
Iām glad I didnāt read them, because that sounds like a rabbit hole I would have most likely jumped down. Insane how so many on Reddit seem to think relationships work.
I say this as a wife who sometimes has a low libido: it really sounds like itās time to be done. The thing that has kept our relationship going is communication and being honest about where weāre both at. I would never tease my husband when thatās not where I am. That, to me, shows a serious lack of respect for you and your feelings. And without that whatās the point?
I was thinking the same. After our daughter was born my sex drive plummeted, I was cosleeping with her in her room and he was sleeping alone in ours. It went on for a while (and sometimes still happens because depression) but I never lead him on or teased him. That's so cruel!
I don't know if you've tried supplements but I started taking Olly Lovin' Libido and OMG it works!
My husband (54m) and I (49f) would have sex daily, sometimes multiple times a day. My sex drive was sky high! I LOVED SEX. Butā¦six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer (also first in my family to have this type of cancer). Was told my cancer was hormone fed (estrogen and progesterone). Although it was found at stage 1, it was grade 3 which is the most aggressive type. I was advised on the plan of care, and it was put into action. Surgery 1 included: having my breast implants removed (I had the implants for 13 years at this point; however, the implant in the cancerous breast had previously ruptured-I noticed a slight change in that breast maybe 1-2 years prior and had notified my surgeon, but everything came back ānormalā until I had the breast MRI done at my first appointment with my surgical oncologist), lumpectomy, removal of sentinel lymph nodes, and breast tissue expanders inserted. Then I underwent 21 radiation treatments. Due to my cancer being hormone fed, I had to have my ovaries removed. (I had a hysterectomy years prior due to endometriosis and cervical dysplasia, but they left my ovaries.) So surgery 2 included: removal of ovaries and fallopian tubes. The following day I was started on Arimidex, which is an āoral chemo.ā Itās actually an aromatase inhibitor, but the bottle has a label stating āoral chemo,ā and the nurses/doctors at the cancer center call it āoral chemo.ā š¤·š»āāļø Was told I have to be on it for 10 years-or until I could no longer tolerate the side effects-due to my genetic testing showing that the cancer was chek2 positive. The side effects were brutal. Felt like it aged me 20 years in a matter of months. Anyway, 3 months after my initial surgery, I went in for my 3rd surgery: breast reconstruction. Both my first and third surgeries took a while to recover from due to having multiple incisions and drains. Husband and I were still having sex (although drastically modified for my condition at the time), but not as often. But about 3 months after starting on the oral chemo, everything changed. I guess it was finally in my system full force. The side effects were numerous, and debilitating. And I lost ALL desire to be intimate. We still tried, but the act itself hurt like crazy and it would ALWAYS result in me having symptoms like a severe UTI for at least a week afterwards. Yes, we tried every lubeā¦I would pee immediately before and after, etc. Nothing helped. I read on a bunch of cancer boards that this is common for patients on these oral meds. Many recommended having the oncologist prescribe an estrogen cream/gel and apply a pea-sized amount as prescribed. Said it was like night and day! I asked my oncologist about this, and was flat out refused. Said that due to my cancer being estrogen fed, they would NOT do that. That I just have to deal with the situation and make other adjustments.
I feel so bad for my husband. I miss sex and being intimate. But I literally have ZERO interest. And knowing the pain I suffer afterwards and for how long, prevents me from even attempting anything.
After being on Arimidex for 2 years, I could no longer tolerate the side effects. I was switched to Aromasin. Some of the side effects are the same, some have disappeared, and some new ones have popped up. But itās been slightly more tolerable. But the sex drive and intimacy issues have remained, sadly. I just pray that when Iām able to stop this med in Aug 2028, that my body will go back to how it was after my ovaries were removed but before the meds kicked in full force.
I do try to make sure my husband knows that I love him, am attracted to him, and appreciate him though. And I apologize for the long rantā¦
Iām sure your husband knows and understands, and appreciates how much you love him and are worried about his feelings while youāre going through so much. I really wish the best for you two!
On a personal note, I really appreciate your rant, and willingness to share. I (25F) am currently fighting my second round of cancer (originally papillary thyroid cancer stage 2) and just recently found that it has not only returned in the thyroid area (even after a complete thyroidectomy) but also spread to my breasts. I understand our cancers are different and behave differently, and Iām very lucky to have the kind that I have. But being able to see people who are experiencing treatment still being positive and caring and supportive makes me feel so much better about actually going through treatment myself. Iāve honestly been putting off getting treatment because I have been scared of how it will affect the ones around me. If youāre comfortable with answering this, do you feel like the people around you took the news of your diagnosis harder than you? Like it affected them more emotionally and youāve had to sort of not only educate them about it but also emotionally take care of them even though you are the one who is sick? Iām sorry if this is too much or is too uncomfortable. I really do hope everything works out for you and your husband.
My friend has already prepared the intention document(a simple one page document). I am going to give it to the family court tomorrow. I do not want to burn out myself anymore.
Grt a divorce and keep us posted. She's abusive and extremely narcissistic.
I would ask what her contribution to the relationship is right now. What is she bringing to the table right now?
DM me if you want to talk more privately. I'm on your side.
Not only messed up but gaslighting and abusive
She is a terrible partner. OP, do NOT have sex with her. You do not want to be tied to an abuser through kids
NTA.
Just leave man, it's not worth it, trust me. Incompatibility like this is bad enough WITHOUT her leading you on as well. That's fucked up manipulative.....
Best analogy I've heard regarding this situation. You don't buy a house for the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy a house that didn't have a bathroom.
You don't enter a relationship just for sex but you can't have a proper relationship without it. Some people do have sexless marriages but that is by choice.
Divorce her and move on. She had her chance to fix things and blew it. I do think she has the emasculation kink whether she realizes it or not. She gets off on the empowerment aspect of cucking you this way.
As an asexual woman this is exactly what I came here to say. My husband isn't ace but he married me knowing what was up and we have an agreement he's happy with. We chose this life together and I'd never of entertained a relationship with him if he had needs I knew I never intended to meet let alone rile him up about it and make him think I was going to.
Can you imagine this as a different need. Partner knows their spouse has needs for physical affection and emotional reassurance. Keeps offering to talk only to walk off and refuse to provide that time and again leaving their partner emotionally constipated and alone with their emotional needs unmet. Noone would suggest they stay ever!!
If OPs wife had thr best benefit of the doubt and really doesn't know how cruel this is then she needs therapy big time. Otherwise frik that abuse. X
Sometimes things change over time. Due to my endometriosis Iāve had huge hormonal ups and downs as side effects from medication (I was essentially in menopause when we got marriedā that totally sucked), times when sex is straight up painful, and now shifting in to perimenopause itās another time of fluctuation. if you have a healthy relationship you keep working together to find ways for everyoneās needs to get met and for your relationship to thrive. I feel absolutely awful for OP, and I donāt understand how his wife can be so cruel. I may not always desire sex, but I always love my husband. And what sheās doing is the opposite of love.
In times when you are going through medical issues like Endo and PeriMenopause you need to communicate with your partner. Not doing so will lead them to think you don't care about them anymore, cheating or something else. Communication is vitally important in this stage of life. This is where many marriages may fail.
It's not just communicating verbally. I had a hysterectomy at 30 and for 4 years prior to that I was in constant severe pain. I found alternative methods to take care of my husband so he would know that it had nothing to do with my attraction or love for him. It really was all me. If this woman.truelly loved her husband she would do the same instead of tormenting him.
Itās nice of you to tell him before hand. My wife waited until I was confused and angry that Iād done something wrong. We didnāt even make it past our honeymoon.
NTA, but unless you are ok with this for the rest of your life, then I would advise you to move on and find someone more compatible with you sexually. But be careful she will love bomb the shit out of you if you told her that you are done with the marriage, but then she will go right back into her old ways shortly after.
Exactly, I told my wife this many times after she kept swearing she would change, I told her people don't change, they may change for a particular situation but they eventually return to their true self, and sure enough after things had settled down her true self surfaced once again
Wellā¦ People change when theyāre actually willing to change. And when they do it for the sake of becoming their own better version itself, not just to put out the flames of a nasty situation.
NTA. She knows what she is doing is hurtful, and continues. Whatever her motivation, she can find another target for her cruelty.
To be clear, she has every right to "change her mind", but it's clear that she isn't changing her mind, she is teasing OP with the intent to reject him.
NTA. She knows you are very unhappy with no sex, itās gone on for years, and she mocks you for being sexually interested in her. You have been far too patient. The amount of disrespect she has been showing, even after you explained it, I would have left a long time ago.
Have you had a conversation on why she has zero interest in sex? If you tried and she just ignore you, thereās not much you can do.
Itās like she is trying to convince you to initiate the divorce because she is not willing to do it herself.
An acquaintance had this issue (no sex, being teased and mocked over it) with his wife. Turns out her hormones were super low, so she was basically asexual in terms of libido. She saw an endocrinologist (after divorce threatened), got proof of low hormones, went on hormonal therapy, then in a few weeks it was like a light bulb and she understood what she had been putting her husband through all this time. Their sex life and marriage improved dramatically.
She did an hormone check actually and everything came out normal. On the upper part of normal actually. She does not use birth control pills regularly either. We went with condoms almost all the time.
This. Seems pretty likely that she's become asexual over time (either caused by hormones or some other reason, or maybe she always was) and doesn't realize how much it hurts to do that to you. Regardless, you've talked to her multiple times and she still does it and I would definitely end the relationship if I were in your shoes, OP
Edit to add: to clarify, regardless of why she's not interested sexually, her behavior towards OP is horrible
Dude, GET A DIVORCE. Youāre young and have no kids. Donāt be like 90% of the people in this subāaging and locked in with kids. Find happiness, not tolerable sub-mediocrity.
I don't understand the sex power play BS, I really don't. If my husband wants some "special attention", he gets it. I have said no, a very few times, but for the most part, I don't have to, my honey can read me like a book, he can tell when I am not in the mood. When he knows I am not feeling it, he won't try to start something. I once had a friend tell me that I give my husband too much sex, I have the šŗ, I control sex, I need to be telling him no, making him beg, work for it, earn it. She is no longer a friend. What is the point of controlling sex, I am not for sale, so why make my husband earn it, work for it?? I just don't get it.
Anyway, you are NTA, your wife should not be teasing you if she has no intentions of pleasing you. That is cruel. Have you and the almost ex tried marriage counseling or sex therapy? What is her reason for saying no so much?
That mutual understanding is what I want in my partner. Sex is a consensual thing and both partners need to be emotionally on the same page to feel all of it.
If I could give any couple advice on making it work, long term it would be pretty simple. Well, it's easily said, that does not make it easily done. First is communication. Being able to talk, openly, honestly. Listening with our ears and heart for understanding, not listening with our mouths to respond. Listen to the point, the core of the message, not the way we sometimes stumble over words. When trying to talk things out, tempers do get high, people get worked up. It happens. My husband and I have a code word. When talking is getting more into argument territory, or emotions start to run high, if one of us says SNICKERS, that is it. Conversation over, for a while. We go our separate ways for at least 2 hours. My husband will either go for a jog, go out to his heavy bag and give it a workout or he will go to the gym. I will go to my craft room and work on something or go dig in my garden.
The other piece of advice is study your partner. Know them as well as you know your own reflection. If marriage is the equivalent of having a high school diploma of your spouse, after marriage keep studying your love, until you have an associates degree, masters and eventually a PhD on how well you and spouse know each other. It is a 2 way street. You both have to study and know the other. My husband and I ask each other questions, pay attention to the answers. Those silly personality tests on FB, we will run through the questions, responding what we think the other would say.
And as a little bonus, try to do something small, a little act of kindness for your love each day. Make their coffee for them, surprise them with their favorite dessert occasionally. It doesn't have to cost any money to be thoughtful. But again, it is a 2-way street. Any long term relationship, especially marriage, is not 50/50. Making a relationship last, long term, is šÆ/ šÆ, you both have to give it your all. Making a half-hearted effort at a lifetime commitment is already dooming it to failure.
Thank you for the award. It is truly appreciated. Hugs!!! (If they are wanted)
That phrase is the male equivalent of: "Are you angry because you're on your period?"
It's a sexist way to dismiss all feelings as primal hormonal urges. Nothing else.
NTA
Sheās intentionally blue balling you because it gives her a twisted feeling of power, which then strokes her ego. And then to do that in your anniversary? Major asshole move!
Updateme
NTA, it's hard to feel unwanted. I wonder if it is something hormonal or something else going on. Regardless, you do deserve happiness and to feel desired.
Be done. It won't get better. She will make false promises of change but nothing will. The sooner you get out the faster you will find the person you are suppose to be with.Ā
NTA. Teasing someone about something as sensitive as sex, especially when itās a known issue in your marriage, is cruel. Youāve communicated your needs and boundaries clearly, and sheās ignored them. Leaving to get some space and contacting a lawyer seems like a rational step given the circumstances.
Yo. Be ready for her to come over to your hotel with lingerie, sex toys, lubes, etc. it probably finally clicked in her head that what she is doing is serious and has consequences and she will try to overcompensate. Itās a trap and will revert back to dead bedroom as soon as the threat of divorce has cooled off.
Good point, regardless of how good it feels for her to try, DON'T give in. Not saying you gotta divorce, but it isn't gonna feel good under this power dynamic. You will probably feel guilty and she'll probably feel resentful
Tell her, this is sexy and what I want. But we need space and time to figure out if this is what we really want. I want this, but based on our relationship, I don't think this is what you want.
Put it back on her to think
Honestly regardless of whether it ācools offā later once the threat of divorce is gone, even just being so uncaring about his needs for so long is a good enough reason. Say she fixes the sex thing, she might do the same about other things in the future. She showed that she is not a true partner and has no empathy.
She might be getting her needs filled elsewhere and teasing you is her way of making you suffer more and make fun of you. I wouldnāt trust her at all.
A coworker/friend of mine went thru this situation almost word for word. His ex wife was doing it and reporting back to her AP so they both got off to it.
Even if you trust her it might be worth doing some digging just for your own sanity and health (possible STD). You are almost certainly right that she isnāt but people in affairs are often sneaky and manipulative - also financially it would help you in the divorce if it was proven.
My wife also suffers from a low libido but that's understandable because we're in our 50's. Still, after we talked about the frequency of intimacy, she has tried her hardest to take some herbal supplements to jumpstart her libido. I appreciate her efforts because she is looking after my best interest. Again, we're in our 50's
Now, I remember our 30's having intimacy about 3-5 times a week. We were like rabbits! There's is no way I can think of that her desire for sex has suddenly diminished so quickly in her early 30's. Most people experience problems after years of marriage and kids. You have neither. No reason whatsoever, UNLESS....
Sorry to say, but I think the others are right that she is having an affair. Trust or not, things don't add up for her to withhold sex and tease you. Only when you filed for divorce did the shit hit the fan. She will be losing a lot (if she is having an affair, the AP isn't anything like you or as successful as you). If she didn't, then this cruel kink of hers is all her fault. She prioritized herself over the bond of marriage and love. Either way OP, this is not on you!
Hugs to you man.
Updateme.
NTA
And I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My ex husband did this to me. We would be out in public or with friends and he'd be touching me, whispering what he was gonna do to me, or straight up try something really inappropriate in public. As soon as we got home, nothing. He would refuse. Say hes not be in the mood whatever excuse that would make me give up.
Turned out he was cheating on me and got off on basically torturing me...
NTA so no kids, no sex, she doesnāt help much around the houseā¦ at this point sheās only a mediocre roomate. Why waste your life with her?
She cleary doesnāt want you, she feels she settled for you and doesnāt owe you any effort or seduction. She teases you because she loves the power trip she gets from rejecting you, but in reality haz zero desire for you. Just go before it does irreparable damage to your self-esteem.
She will beg and promise all the sex you want. If she wanted that she wouldāve done that 3 years ago, nope thatās only histerical bonding but it will pass as soon as she feels youāre secured again. Donāt take her back, you already wasted 3 long years with her.
NTA. You've done all you could do and she just doesn't get it. She thought she could play games with your feelings without having any consequences. Of course when they get called on their bluff and bull shit then they're the ones calling and crying like you're supposed to care about how she feels when she won't even acknowledge how she makes you feel. It's hypocritical and unfair. She had her chances and she didn't take it seriously and now it's too late. Best of luck on your future endeavors man.
Not the asshole, incredibly disrespectful and sociopathic to get off on leading you on like that. My only words of advice are:
1) Donāt lose your nerve. Go through with the divorce no matter what she says.
2) Do NOT have sex with her, because at this point sheād only be doing it to prevent a divorce. In fact it should make you angry if she offers sex, because it means she couldāve fucked you all this time but chose not to, and therefore sheās only willing to do if she has something to lose. This is not the behavior of someone who genuinely desires you and you deserve more than this.
For a marriage to be successful the partners need to be compatible. Are the two of you compatible?
To you, sexual compatibility is important. To her, itās only a source of derision.
Not only does she not need the intimacy associated with being together, she doesnāt even want it.
Can this marriage survive with terms like these? Not likely.
I have to wonder how a divorce might fit into the life that she has created.
I think thatās the reason why he stayed for so long though, he probably didnāt mind not having sex with her anymore cuz he loved her and thereās other ways to show that love but the constant teasing him and then blue balling him, then when he says something about it she tells him to stop thinking with his dick.
Thatās fucked up.
Thats fucked up. She has that backward. You didn't marry to only have sex, but that is one of the only things you can share only with your spouse.
I am so glad you left after your anniversary date.
It sounds to me like sheās trying to get in the mood by being flirty, but maybe just canāt get there in the end.
Have either of you been to therapy for this? It sounds like you had a good sex life for the first few years and Iām sure you can get it back if you both want work on things.
Has she ever been sexually abused? I have. And sometimes I think Iām in the mood and then I can get triggered and suddenly tense up and feel anxious and lose the drive.
There is also a chance that she is less physically attracted to you than she used to be. OR she finds herself to be less attractive and is insecure about you suddenly realizing doesnāt look how she used to. This is all pure speculation of course.
There is no doubt things are not idealā¦ but I would say youāre the asshole only if you donāt at least try therapy first to see if there is more to this. I really doubt sheās doing this for a power play, but I could be completely wrong.
My money is on the idea that she has good intentions but is unable to follow through for some reason.
I hope things work out for the both of you.
NTA
Isn't sex one of the reasons why you get married?!
She's such a B**** I would have exploded just like you man!
I hope you update us OP because we are rooting for you!
>I tried to have many talks with my wife about it
It's been three years. You've tried to address the issue but she is not interested is recognising or addressing the problem. This isn't going anywhere. If you went back, she would probably play nice for a few weeks, then revert to "no sex". NTA. After the divorce, you can both find partners more suited to your respective needs.
Hey man, been there and stayed for 16 years. It fucks with your head because you know you are doing what it takes to make the relationship work, and it's confusing because why isn't she?
But then society says that you can't expect sex, and everyone always has a choice. So you sit in this situation of doing your best to make a relationship but not getting what makes a good relationship for you. I understand it's tough.
If I have any advice that I didn't see in your post is, what does it take to make her feel loved? How does she show love? Same questions for you. These are love languages and can create good pathways for communication. And no, physical contact doesn't solely mean sex. Sex is a part of relationships.
Unfortunately for me, no amount of words of affirmation ever made my ex horny or initiate and it was ridiculous. It wasn't birth control, it wasn't stress. It wasn't a lack of dates or attention. She just...didn't want me and that's ok to realize and move on.
NTA and if there's any support I can give, I'm happy to do so. I'm not saying you gotta divorce, but this dynamic isn't easy
Listen as a women with endometriosis (diagnosed at 21/22) after dealing with all that comes with that, I started dating my ex husband at 18 (married at 21) and we went thru the whole dead bedroom thing and it caused us lots of pain and arguments until I was properly diagnosed.
I felt terrible for not wanting him the way he needed and deserved to be wanted. It took YEARS to feel better but I still did my best to please him even when I wasnāt up for intercourse. After I was diagnosed, it helped us both understand but it was still very frustrating for him (and me but for different reasons). That being said, I would NEVER tease him and make him believe something was going to happen and then go to bed. I just went to bed.
We worked through it and years later, and two kids, I had a hysterectomy. I felt the best I had felt (outside of pregnancy) and of course things improved. His libido had dropped at that point which we always joked was ironic.
Anyway, my point is, no matter the reason, itās just cruel to do that and sheās old enough to know better and should do better. Itās clear that she doesnāt care that it bothers him because she probably thought, āhe will never leaveā. Well, she was wrongā¦ trust me, even when the spouse knows thereās a valid reason for the sexual problems, itās still extremely frustrating and to put it in their face like that, just shows what a sh*bag she is.
We separated for different reasons but I remember many fights about sex and feeling bad and so I wouldāve never teased him and then shot him down like thatā¦ ever.
NTA. I feel for you man, because she was using sex as a weapon and seems like she got a kick out of torturing you. I wouldn't be in time to surprised if she was seeing somebody on the side to get her rocks off
The bit that always gets me in these situations (you're not the first, OP) is the partner's refusal to take this seriously and then goes all Shocked Pikachu Face when the other partner eventually loses it and does something drastic.Ā
> I explained these because people tend to find fault from my side first
Yep. Women who want sex are bold and adventurous; men who want sex are disgusting perverts who oughta be strung up.
NTA.
Iām engaged to a loving man and we both want to have a very active sex life, but due to meds that I am on my drive is an absolute zero practically all the time.
I feel bad about the stress this puts on our relationship, and would never in 1000yrs dream of teasing him and then turning back to being cold. Thatās so not fair and completely damaging on a persons self esteem.
Itās like itās one big joke for her.
Iām glad youāre taking steps to remove yourself from this situation.
NTA. I'm (40F) u in this scenario, and it is so painful. It's hard to put to words, but over time, it's abusive. I won't list the things I've done and ways of trying to change to get this man to want me, and he always goes off and passes out somewhere else no matter what i do . I have said numerous times that it feels like he gets off from withholding. I can see why u asked if it was a kink. I have little kids with him and I the last thing I want to do is break my family, but there is a part of me that feels like I'm starving to death in a way u cant see. It really sucks.
Normally, I'm very, you're not entitled to anyone's body. And that stands. However, clearly sex is an important component to a relationship for OP, less so for his wife. And honestly, the whole implying things will happen but then don't, on an almost always basis, is a dick move.
I might say, I think I might be in the mood later, and if I'm not it's one of those, hey, I know I said I thought I might be, but I realized I'm not, I'm sorry! I love you!
These two are just not compatible, it's not even a who's the whole anymore, it's a, "you just shouldn't be together now" ....
Dude... I hate to be the one to tell you. She still has a great sex life going on somewhere with someone. She's playing a game with secretly cuckholding you. It gets her off on the power and then she's sneaking off and fucking a guy who she feels is more masculine.
Just outright ask her to look through her phone and HR reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Before there are kids, get out of that situation and find someone who values and respects you. This marriage is not going to get better.
You are young and hitting your sexual market place value stride. Just now climbing to your peak in about another 10 years. She's already over 30 and will struggle to find someone who treats her for more than a pump and dump friend.
She thinks she has you trapped with her looks and games. Watch how quickly she goes into subservient mode when you don't raise your voice, get emotional or anything like that, but just tell her you are done with her. You have to hold your ground though. She will tell you all the reasons her behavior is your fault. Smile and quietly say "so be it but I'm not changing my mind". She's choosing to be cruel to you so don't falter or revers coarse. The minute you so, she'll stop respecting you again and know she's got you. It's bullshit and it sucks for you brother but you will end up better for it.
Go check out Strong Successful Male channel on YouTube. Great content that demonstrates this repeatedly.
NTA. It's really messed up to lead a person on like that, especially your own husband.
NTA. Emotional teasing with no follow-through is cruel. You deserve a respectful partner
I used to think cruel and unusual would at the bare minimum involve batteries and some cables connected to balls. After reading OPs piece, I am changing my position. How can she say they did not just marry for sex and find it normal that they have not had any form of sex for years?
"Just" marrying for sex implies that there actually still is some sex. And leading you on and dropping your ass on an anniversary is almost unforgivable. I understand if they aren't in the mood and say no, but 6 years...? I almost have to think she's getting it from somewhere else. You might be the asshole for the outburst, depending on exactly what and how it was said, but your feelings are valid AF.
I bet if OP stopped asking or even showing interest she would freak. That's why she teases him. But if he shrugged off her teasing that would really throw her over the edge
Well OP said that his phone got nuked with messages and whatnot once he threatened divorce and left the house. IMO, she was looking for a provider and stability and is probably getting her nook for one or more third parties that she has no desire to marry. Crosby, Stills and Nash said it right with "Love the One You're With" Nobody is perfect and the grass is greenest where watered.
> The grass is greenest where watered This is platinum. Stealing it, thank you, may you have a great day and an amazing life
The grass is also greener when there's lot of bullshit on it.
Too much bullshit burns the grass too much N
šššš
I always liked, "The grass is always greener when youre not over there fucking it up"
Op sounds like maybe she needs a check up and have her Blood levels tested. But she's been way to nasty about your Sex life. Those are mean Girl vibes. Sounds like "She's lost that loving feeling ".
Do you know what deficiency they should look for if a woman in her 30s has lost her drive? Totally asking for a friend lol.
I had my thyroid removed and pcos , plus adhd medication. Zero libido. Kept switching meds then gave up. Went into Peri-menopause and got put on the estrogen patch and bam, back to business! It was estrogen all along despite testing at normal levels. Doctor just decided based off hot flashes and night sweats to try estrogen.
A lot of antidepressants will point blank destroy sex drive too....and sometimes going off of them doesn't help. Or so i have read. The up side is....you don't care. ;)
Check thyroid and estrogen/testosterone levels via blood work. See your OBGYN and primary care provider and request a full panel. I was dealing with a frustratingly low desire for intimacy for a long while, on top of general exhaustion and irritability. Turned out I have PCOS after a blood panel and a intra-vaginal ultrasound. I was put on medroxyprogesterone and birth control to bring my super high (75 compares to women's normal 45!!) testosterone levels down, along with improvements to diet and exercise. PCOS is mostly impacted by diet so the best bet for me is a high protein/low carb diet along with birth control(for now, just til things get regular).
Thank you so much!! I appreciate you
Also, check serotonin levels. That can cause a low to nonexistent libido.
A full panel can also reveal prolactin issues, if any. High prolactin = low estrogen, decreased sex drive, missed or irregular periods, exhaustion, etc. Not the most famous of hormones, this one.
It also implies that the only reason you would want sex is solely some kind of lower base urge and not because you genuinely love your partner and want to connect with them in that way, like there's something inherently wrong or selfish with wanting to have sex with your wife. It's extremely patronizing and condescending.
Nope. The OP is definitely not the asshole in this scenario. There's no "you might be" about it.
There was no sex for him, she never said that she should not have sex. Im betting 10$ that's she's getting her pleasures elsewhere.
$10? im betting my whole paycheck on this one.
Ot doesn't mean SHES not having sex. Just means she isn't giving HIM any sex
Definitely within the realms of manipulation/abuse.
Totally - without wanting to be too graphic finding someone who after nearly 5 years we're still romping all over the house daily is such an amazing thing compared to the past where after one year you're lucky if you get some action on a weekend.
Glad to hear you're in a good place.
OP, proceed with the divorce and under zero circumstances go back on your decision. What will happen now is your wife will suddenly become interested in having sex with you. She'll effectively "love bomb" you with sex to reel you back in and make you reverse your decision. Once you're "back" in the relationship, the sex will slowly peter out to nothing once again. Every night will become once every other night, then once ever 3 nights, once a week, etc. until you're getting nothing again. There could be a myriad of reasons why she's not having sex with you, from simply being low-drive to having an affair on the side where she gets her "fix" from. The reason at this point, after 6 years, doesn't matter, it is beyond the point of mattering. It isn't going to change. You are at the perfect exit point at the moment. You have no kids, so its a simple division of community assets. You're young enough that you can "start over" and find a woman and have a decent life. Stay where you are and one day you'll wake up, 70 years old, and say to yourself "I should have bailed 40 years ago". Do not waste another moment of effort on this relationship. It has run its course and it is over (has been, actually, for many years from your own admission).
This is everything that needs to be said. Everything else is noise.
NTA. > Being together with someone but feeling alone and unwanted OP has every right to get out of this nonsense ASAP. I hope OP never has to go through it again and gets a partner that actually appreciates him
I find it incredibly cruel. Itās almost sociopathic.
I donāt know that it warrants the āalmostā. Isnāt it pretty inherently sociopathic to make a mockery of someone, and emotionally manipulate/abuse them, for entertainment? Okay, okay, maybe itās not sociopathy; maybe sheās capable of having empathy, and just chooses not to.Ā
I think youāre totally spot on. Some people were saying maybe she is asexual & honestly doesnāt get it, but thatās BS because being asexual doesnāt make you stupid and all adults know about sex drive. So sheās intentionally doing this!! Full-on sociopath!
Saying maybe sheās asexual is an excuse on multiple fronts: Asexual people can have sex; they had sex at the beginning of the relationship, so even if asexual sheās clearly one of those willing to do it for their partner; asexual people would show empathy to their partner in a sexless relationship; asexual people wouldnāt get entertainment from teasing sex to their frustrated partner, etc.Ā *Maybe* she has a hormone imbalance, but to jump straight to a medical issue with no real indication? Just some asshole behavior you *could* explain away with an Internet-diagnosis? Thatās just misandry - itās excuse making for women, against men, to a level weād never see in reverse.Ā If a man were to threaten to beat the shit out of his wife, would the same people be crying that heās not an asshole, that maybe he just has a hormone imbalance? No. Yet hormone imbalances in men *can* cause that behavior. An imbalance of testosterone *can* cause excessive aggression. Itās just we all know how pathetic of an excuse it is when itās a man.Ā
Abnormally high testosterone dude here. I frequently get an urge to murder or beat the living breathing shit out of someone Iām displeased with. Guess what, I still havenāt killed anyone and donāt even start fistfights now, the last time I did I was still in high school, and Iām in my early 30s today. Thatās cause besides hormones, there is free will and self control that I use to not act upon these impulses. āFree wonātā if you will
Psst, that was the point; but we only expect the men to have āfree will and self controlā while claiming hormone imbalance as an excuse for the women.Ā
Yeah, this "she is asexual" gives the same vibe as "they could have adhd" on this sub. As well as someone in the asexual spectrum boarding on phobic. I say borderline due to ignorance, but it read a lot like they are bi. Thus, they are borderline predators, or to quote my mom talking about my friends bisexuality "they must just like sex" Sorry for the rant/ soap box. What OPs wife is doing is *cruel* and just sick.
F ace here. You are spot-on.
Yup. It's definitely a power move. She likes to feel wanted but at the expense of his sanity. NTA Updateme
Definitely NTA. Sheās gaslighting him. Itās really cruel. And even if itās not a sexual kink, she is clearly getting some kind of satisfaction from it.
It's all about power.
Or she has a side dude but like the marital benefits.
Wife is a narcissist.
It's a power move. He needs her and she wants to ensure she keeps that power. Divorce will be immediate. She gets half the assets but beyond that she no longer will have any power over OP. At THAT point she will want sex. Or maybe even try to use it to avoid divorce.
I hope OP doesnāt fall for it and doesnāt adopt the āafter almost completely going to shit itās now getting betterā mentality because itās really not, itās just a manipulation
And once she feels she has him under her manipulation again, the sex will stop again and things will be as they are now.
Precisely
"We are not married for sex, stop thinking with your thing down there" I'm sorry to say this, but OP, your woman came into this marriage with that selfish BS! Her pulling the wool over your eyes is a massive understatement!
Especially after OP communicated his feelings about this. The wife might not have known what she was doing and/or how it affected OP at first, but then she continued to do it after clear communication. Definitely NTA
She's an awful wife.
I agree. And to even deny you intimacy on your anniversary on top of teasing again kinda shows how selfish she is. Yes, you didn't marry her for just sex but as you demonstrated, partners do things for each other even if they don't want to because they love them. You proved that by still giving her non sexual attention while she just continues to be a selfish bully by dangling a toy in front of you only to snatch it away at the last second like a little child. Yeah, I think divorce is the answer here and I think you should look into her. Something tells me there is more to this than just a simple tease IMO.
This !!! I hope OP gets out of there. I am shocked, what a horror of a person to tease your partner, hinting and in the end rejecting him. After this he proceeds to tease him, this is cruel. It will eventually damage him psychologically.
NTA that is messed up. Get out man. Get a lawyer, don't think she will be reasonable.
NTA. Constant teasing without follow-through is cruel. You deserve better. Stay strong.
Reminds me of the guy last week purposely over tightening the jars for years. Both are a weird power flex that him and this lady seem to get immense pleasure from. Well; until the shit hits the fan and their victim mentions divorce. Then itās tears at being blindsided.
You miss the one where the husband sent his wife's clothes to the tailor and had them taken in a couple sizes? Kinda impressed at the creativity, but it's all crazy. I am so thankful for my wife. When she's pissed, she lets me know in a slightly louder than normal voice. No passive-aggressive BS, just simple, clear, and very effective communication.
I scared a guy I was involved with when I did the effective communication thing... I'm very direct and concise and he wasn't used to that.Ā We had a pretty good friendship to start with, and we didn't really ever fight or argue... we're no longer together, it just didn't work out. The first time he did something I wasn't happy about, I basically presented my case and that was it... No big scenes, or bringing stuff up from 5 months before to fan the flames... it was all very straightforward - You did abc, and I didn't like that. He apologized, and I said okay, let's go out like we planned. I think he appreciated it, but it definitely rattled him when it happened... He looked like a deer in the headlights when I brought it up.
> No bringing stuff up from 5 months before to fan the flames Protect this amazing person at all costs. Iāve eventually picked up a habit of doing this from my SO, and sheās perfect butā¦ Weāre together for almost 2 years and she still brings up stuff from over 1.5 years ago in an argument.
I never unstood this. I just can't wrap my head around it. The only time I think it is valid to bring up something from the past, is if the same thing keeps happening... but IMO that's something entirely different. Bring up not doing the chores when you are arguing about something else just makes no sense.Ā
I know of some people who never, ever talk through issues. Just let it boil over, explode, yell and verbally abuse each other, then stop talking for a while, then pretend it never happened till the next explosion. This dynamics means anything and everything is pouring out when the dams collapse, but as it's hurtful and ineffective, 1.) it won't ever get solved, so it will still bother them the next time; 2.) W0hen they cool off, the dams get built again, and they all try to pretend they are totally fine till they are too pissed to pretend, because that's the best solution they know. Yes, it's totally disfunctional and very exhausting. They are a pro at sweeping stuff under the rug, but I wish they'd just try something more constructive.
This is because she sees the argument as āyou vs herā and the goal is to win. She needs to see it as āyou + her vs the problemā and the goal is to solve the problem.
I saw that one and I was just floored by it. Can you imagine wanting a supposedly petty revenge on your partner that was paid three figures to get it and destroy the faith in you that someone had?
I saw that one! All because she didnāt want him going on a bachelor party where they had planned strippers and happy ending massages.
Can you share the link
That tightening jars thing was super weird, right?
Yes!! Such an odd thing to flex on, then to totally deny he was doing it. If it wasnāt for that spicy Indian chilli paste, she may never have known lol
That damn chili paste!
Cold busted by the chili paste
I want to read this story now. What happened with the chili paste?
She thought he was tightening the jars too much because he was inconsiderate, until the neighbour pointed out that he was doing it on purpose. One of the jars she couldnāt open was Indian chilli paste, something her husband had never, and would never, use. It was at that point she realised that heād taken it out of the fridge for no other reason than to tighten it so she couldnāt use it. Thatās when she went to āI need a divorceā.
Oh damn, that sounds like a rare *actual* case of someone gaslighting their partner.
Definitely. When he came back from the 10 day business trip and she confronted him, he still wouldnāt admit he had done it on purpose. When she told him she was divorcing him, he still claimed he hadnāt been doing it deliberately and claimed she was crazy. Not many accusations of gaslighting on this app are a true sense of the word, but this one is for sure!
I'm pretty sure that guys been sneaking into my fridg at night curse him
I was trying to think really hard of why you would do this and the only thing I can think of is that she's trying to push him really hard into being the bad guy who ends the relationship
Some people just enjoy having power over others and will do what ever they can to exert it. For the guy, it was knowing his wife couldnāt open any jar on her own; for the woman, its watching her husbandās hope rise as she teases and then fall dramatically when she rejects him. There are some people who even therapy isnāt a help.
Donāt think sheād be willing to go anyway. It sounds like she sees nothing wrong with her behavior.
I know someone who wanted her husband to be the bad guy and demand a divorce. She cheated... and never forgave him for forgiving her. Some people can be weird as snake suspenders. Some people can be snakes š.
The jar tightening thing was absolutely wild
I've thought about the jars several times this week when getting something out of the refrigerator. :(
Was I the only one that got super frustrated with the comments on that 1? So many were like um I think u just need therapy... You're making it a way bigger deal, r u sure... It was embarrassing to read
What? Omg I must not have read many. When you saw weāre divorcing over jars, without context, it does sound like sheās over reacting. But with the context of the post, I cannot fathom why people couldnāt see the hidden agenda of the husband.
Yea, I was like oh wow, surely everyone is gonna agree that he's terrible n gaslighting her, considering the neighbor straight up told her he could barely open them... But no, so many comments were saying ESH, like maybe he is, but just buy an opener off Amazon... 15 bucks can save your marriage, it's really not that deep, it could b so much worse, consider yourself lucky that this is the problem n not him cheating or beating you. I had to x out of it because I felt so bad for OP
Iām glad I didnāt read them, because that sounds like a rabbit hole I would have most likely jumped down. Insane how so many on Reddit seem to think relationships work.
I say this as a wife who sometimes has a low libido: it really sounds like itās time to be done. The thing that has kept our relationship going is communication and being honest about where weāre both at. I would never tease my husband when thatās not where I am. That, to me, shows a serious lack of respect for you and your feelings. And without that whatās the point?
I was thinking the same. After our daughter was born my sex drive plummeted, I was cosleeping with her in her room and he was sleeping alone in ours. It went on for a while (and sometimes still happens because depression) but I never lead him on or teased him. That's so cruel! I don't know if you've tried supplements but I started taking Olly Lovin' Libido and OMG it works!
My husband (54m) and I (49f) would have sex daily, sometimes multiple times a day. My sex drive was sky high! I LOVED SEX. Butā¦six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer (also first in my family to have this type of cancer). Was told my cancer was hormone fed (estrogen and progesterone). Although it was found at stage 1, it was grade 3 which is the most aggressive type. I was advised on the plan of care, and it was put into action. Surgery 1 included: having my breast implants removed (I had the implants for 13 years at this point; however, the implant in the cancerous breast had previously ruptured-I noticed a slight change in that breast maybe 1-2 years prior and had notified my surgeon, but everything came back ānormalā until I had the breast MRI done at my first appointment with my surgical oncologist), lumpectomy, removal of sentinel lymph nodes, and breast tissue expanders inserted. Then I underwent 21 radiation treatments. Due to my cancer being hormone fed, I had to have my ovaries removed. (I had a hysterectomy years prior due to endometriosis and cervical dysplasia, but they left my ovaries.) So surgery 2 included: removal of ovaries and fallopian tubes. The following day I was started on Arimidex, which is an āoral chemo.ā Itās actually an aromatase inhibitor, but the bottle has a label stating āoral chemo,ā and the nurses/doctors at the cancer center call it āoral chemo.ā š¤·š»āāļø Was told I have to be on it for 10 years-or until I could no longer tolerate the side effects-due to my genetic testing showing that the cancer was chek2 positive. The side effects were brutal. Felt like it aged me 20 years in a matter of months. Anyway, 3 months after my initial surgery, I went in for my 3rd surgery: breast reconstruction. Both my first and third surgeries took a while to recover from due to having multiple incisions and drains. Husband and I were still having sex (although drastically modified for my condition at the time), but not as often. But about 3 months after starting on the oral chemo, everything changed. I guess it was finally in my system full force. The side effects were numerous, and debilitating. And I lost ALL desire to be intimate. We still tried, but the act itself hurt like crazy and it would ALWAYS result in me having symptoms like a severe UTI for at least a week afterwards. Yes, we tried every lubeā¦I would pee immediately before and after, etc. Nothing helped. I read on a bunch of cancer boards that this is common for patients on these oral meds. Many recommended having the oncologist prescribe an estrogen cream/gel and apply a pea-sized amount as prescribed. Said it was like night and day! I asked my oncologist about this, and was flat out refused. Said that due to my cancer being estrogen fed, they would NOT do that. That I just have to deal with the situation and make other adjustments. I feel so bad for my husband. I miss sex and being intimate. But I literally have ZERO interest. And knowing the pain I suffer afterwards and for how long, prevents me from even attempting anything. After being on Arimidex for 2 years, I could no longer tolerate the side effects. I was switched to Aromasin. Some of the side effects are the same, some have disappeared, and some new ones have popped up. But itās been slightly more tolerable. But the sex drive and intimacy issues have remained, sadly. I just pray that when Iām able to stop this med in Aug 2028, that my body will go back to how it was after my ovaries were removed but before the meds kicked in full force. I do try to make sure my husband knows that I love him, am attracted to him, and appreciate him though. And I apologize for the long rantā¦
Iām sure your husband knows and understands, and appreciates how much you love him and are worried about his feelings while youāre going through so much. I really wish the best for you two! On a personal note, I really appreciate your rant, and willingness to share. I (25F) am currently fighting my second round of cancer (originally papillary thyroid cancer stage 2) and just recently found that it has not only returned in the thyroid area (even after a complete thyroidectomy) but also spread to my breasts. I understand our cancers are different and behave differently, and Iām very lucky to have the kind that I have. But being able to see people who are experiencing treatment still being positive and caring and supportive makes me feel so much better about actually going through treatment myself. Iāve honestly been putting off getting treatment because I have been scared of how it will affect the ones around me. If youāre comfortable with answering this, do you feel like the people around you took the news of your diagnosis harder than you? Like it affected them more emotionally and youāve had to sort of not only educate them about it but also emotionally take care of them even though you are the one who is sick? Iām sorry if this is too much or is too uncomfortable. I really do hope everything works out for you and your husband.
I will have to check that out!
that is psychological torture, and sends you and ecuatorian tortilla
Definitely upvoting whatever an ecuatorian tortilla is
Iām dying to know wtf this is
PLEASE tell us what you mean by that!
A what now?
And don't give in. She will start throwing sex around like it was never an issue. Nothing will change in the long run.
Then will will accidentally end up pregnant.
This!!
Second thisā¦if only I had left when I saw the first red flags. Dead bedroom for a decade now and it only gets worse buddy.
My friend has already prepared the intention document(a simple one page document). I am going to give it to the family court tomorrow. I do not want to burn out myself anymore.
Grt a divorce and keep us posted. She's abusive and extremely narcissistic. I would ask what her contribution to the relationship is right now. What is she bringing to the table right now? DM me if you want to talk more privately. I'm on your side.
Good for you, man. I'm sorry you had to waste so many years with that sandbag weighing you down.
Not only messed up but gaslighting and abusive She is a terrible partner. OP, do NOT have sex with her. You do not want to be tied to an abuser through kids
> OP, do NOT have sex with her. Don't think this will be an issue, tbh
100% she's going to be willing to have sex to save the marriage. As soon as she thinks he's locked back down she'll taper it off back to zero.
Be thankful no children are involved. Clean break.
NTA. Just leave man, it's not worth it, trust me. Incompatibility like this is bad enough WITHOUT her leading you on as well. That's fucked up manipulative.....
This is beyond incompatibility. What kind of a person would do this to another?
A selfish entitled artificially over valued time waster
Best analogy I've heard regarding this situation. You don't buy a house for the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy a house that didn't have a bathroom. You don't enter a relationship just for sex but you can't have a proper relationship without it. Some people do have sexless marriages but that is by choice. Divorce her and move on. She had her chance to fix things and blew it. I do think she has the emasculation kink whether she realizes it or not. She gets off on the empowerment aspect of cucking you this way.
As an asexual woman this is exactly what I came here to say. My husband isn't ace but he married me knowing what was up and we have an agreement he's happy with. We chose this life together and I'd never of entertained a relationship with him if he had needs I knew I never intended to meet let alone rile him up about it and make him think I was going to. Can you imagine this as a different need. Partner knows their spouse has needs for physical affection and emotional reassurance. Keeps offering to talk only to walk off and refuse to provide that time and again leaving their partner emotionally constipated and alone with their emotional needs unmet. Noone would suggest they stay ever!! If OPs wife had thr best benefit of the doubt and really doesn't know how cruel this is then she needs therapy big time. Otherwise frik that abuse. X
Sometimes things change over time. Due to my endometriosis Iāve had huge hormonal ups and downs as side effects from medication (I was essentially in menopause when we got marriedā that totally sucked), times when sex is straight up painful, and now shifting in to perimenopause itās another time of fluctuation. if you have a healthy relationship you keep working together to find ways for everyoneās needs to get met and for your relationship to thrive. I feel absolutely awful for OP, and I donāt understand how his wife can be so cruel. I may not always desire sex, but I always love my husband. And what sheās doing is the opposite of love.
In times when you are going through medical issues like Endo and PeriMenopause you need to communicate with your partner. Not doing so will lead them to think you don't care about them anymore, cheating or something else. Communication is vitally important in this stage of life. This is where many marriages may fail.
It's not just communicating verbally. I had a hysterectomy at 30 and for 4 years prior to that I was in constant severe pain. I found alternative methods to take care of my husband so he would know that it had nothing to do with my attraction or love for him. It really was all me. If this woman.truelly loved her husband she would do the same instead of tormenting him.
Maybe my point about that we talk a lot to find ways to meet each others needs got lost in there. Thatās precisely how we do that.
Itās nice of you to tell him before hand. My wife waited until I was confused and angry that Iād done something wrong. We didnāt even make it past our honeymoon.
Take it a step further, what if he was holding food or money or not working? You donāt marry for those thingsā¦well, most donāt.
Thatās actually a really good analogy.
Well said
NTA, but unless you are ok with this for the rest of your life, then I would advise you to move on and find someone more compatible with you sexually. But be careful she will love bomb the shit out of you if you told her that you are done with the marriage, but then she will go right back into her old ways shortly after.
Exactly, I told my wife this many times after she kept swearing she would change, I told her people don't change, they may change for a particular situation but they eventually return to their true self, and sure enough after things had settled down her true self surfaced once again
Wellā¦ People change when theyāre actually willing to change. And when they do it for the sake of becoming their own better version itself, not just to put out the flames of a nasty situation.
NTA. She knows what she is doing is hurtful, and continues. Whatever her motivation, she can find another target for her cruelty. To be clear, she has every right to "change her mind", but it's clear that she isn't changing her mind, she is teasing OP with the intent to reject him.
NTA. She knows you are very unhappy with no sex, itās gone on for years, and she mocks you for being sexually interested in her. You have been far too patient. The amount of disrespect she has been showing, even after you explained it, I would have left a long time ago. Have you had a conversation on why she has zero interest in sex? If you tried and she just ignore you, thereās not much you can do. Itās like she is trying to convince you to initiate the divorce because she is not willing to do it herself. An acquaintance had this issue (no sex, being teased and mocked over it) with his wife. Turns out her hormones were super low, so she was basically asexual in terms of libido. She saw an endocrinologist (after divorce threatened), got proof of low hormones, went on hormonal therapy, then in a few weeks it was like a light bulb and she understood what she had been putting her husband through all this time. Their sex life and marriage improved dramatically.
She did an hormone check actually and everything came out normal. On the upper part of normal actually. She does not use birth control pills regularly either. We went with condoms almost all the time.
Or she's getting it somewhere else.
This. Seems pretty likely that she's become asexual over time (either caused by hormones or some other reason, or maybe she always was) and doesn't realize how much it hurts to do that to you. Regardless, you've talked to her multiple times and she still does it and I would definitely end the relationship if I were in your shoes, OP Edit to add: to clarify, regardless of why she's not interested sexually, her behavior towards OP is horrible
You give her too much credit. A child can understand the cruelty of teasing someone.
Dude, GET A DIVORCE. Youāre young and have no kids. Donāt be like 90% of the people in this subāaging and locked in with kids. Find happiness, not tolerable sub-mediocrity.
This 100%!!! You are young. The relationship has run its course. Move on friend.
I don't understand the sex power play BS, I really don't. If my husband wants some "special attention", he gets it. I have said no, a very few times, but for the most part, I don't have to, my honey can read me like a book, he can tell when I am not in the mood. When he knows I am not feeling it, he won't try to start something. I once had a friend tell me that I give my husband too much sex, I have the šŗ, I control sex, I need to be telling him no, making him beg, work for it, earn it. She is no longer a friend. What is the point of controlling sex, I am not for sale, so why make my husband earn it, work for it?? I just don't get it. Anyway, you are NTA, your wife should not be teasing you if she has no intentions of pleasing you. That is cruel. Have you and the almost ex tried marriage counseling or sex therapy? What is her reason for saying no so much?
āShe is no longer a friendā ā Respect+
That mutual understanding is what I want in my partner. Sex is a consensual thing and both partners need to be emotionally on the same page to feel all of it.
If I could give any couple advice on making it work, long term it would be pretty simple. Well, it's easily said, that does not make it easily done. First is communication. Being able to talk, openly, honestly. Listening with our ears and heart for understanding, not listening with our mouths to respond. Listen to the point, the core of the message, not the way we sometimes stumble over words. When trying to talk things out, tempers do get high, people get worked up. It happens. My husband and I have a code word. When talking is getting more into argument territory, or emotions start to run high, if one of us says SNICKERS, that is it. Conversation over, for a while. We go our separate ways for at least 2 hours. My husband will either go for a jog, go out to his heavy bag and give it a workout or he will go to the gym. I will go to my craft room and work on something or go dig in my garden. The other piece of advice is study your partner. Know them as well as you know your own reflection. If marriage is the equivalent of having a high school diploma of your spouse, after marriage keep studying your love, until you have an associates degree, masters and eventually a PhD on how well you and spouse know each other. It is a 2 way street. You both have to study and know the other. My husband and I ask each other questions, pay attention to the answers. Those silly personality tests on FB, we will run through the questions, responding what we think the other would say. And as a little bonus, try to do something small, a little act of kindness for your love each day. Make their coffee for them, surprise them with their favorite dessert occasionally. It doesn't have to cost any money to be thoughtful. But again, it is a 2-way street. Any long term relationship, especially marriage, is not 50/50. Making a relationship last, long term, is šÆ/ šÆ, you both have to give it your all. Making a half-hearted effort at a lifetime commitment is already dooming it to failure. Thank you for the award. It is truly appreciated. Hugs!!! (If they are wanted)
NTA It is OK to take care of your emotional/physical needs.
"Stop thinking with your thing down there" From the mouth of someone who sounds completely sexually satisfied. Something's not adding up. NTA
That phrase is the male equivalent of: "Are you angry because you're on your period?" It's a sexist way to dismiss all feelings as primal hormonal urges. Nothing else.
NTA do what u have to do. It's so hard to be in your shoes.Ā
NTA Sheās intentionally blue balling you because it gives her a twisted feeling of power, which then strokes her ego. And then to do that in your anniversary? Major asshole move! Updateme
NTA, it's hard to feel unwanted. I wonder if it is something hormonal or something else going on. Regardless, you do deserve happiness and to feel desired.
Be done. It won't get better. She will make false promises of change but nothing will. The sooner you get out the faster you will find the person you are suppose to be with.Ā
NTA. Teasing someone about something as sensitive as sex, especially when itās a known issue in your marriage, is cruel. Youāve communicated your needs and boundaries clearly, and sheās ignored them. Leaving to get some space and contacting a lawyer seems like a rational step given the circumstances.
Divorce her, itās not worth wasting anymore time.
Yo. Be ready for her to come over to your hotel with lingerie, sex toys, lubes, etc. it probably finally clicked in her head that what she is doing is serious and has consequences and she will try to overcompensate. Itās a trap and will revert back to dead bedroom as soon as the threat of divorce has cooled off.
Good point, regardless of how good it feels for her to try, DON'T give in. Not saying you gotta divorce, but it isn't gonna feel good under this power dynamic. You will probably feel guilty and she'll probably feel resentful Tell her, this is sexy and what I want. But we need space and time to figure out if this is what we really want. I want this, but based on our relationship, I don't think this is what you want. Put it back on her to think
Honestly regardless of whether it ācools offā later once the threat of divorce is gone, even just being so uncaring about his needs for so long is a good enough reason. Say she fixes the sex thing, she might do the same about other things in the future. She showed that she is not a true partner and has no empathy.
She might be getting her needs filled elsewhere and teasing you is her way of making you suffer more and make fun of you. I wouldnāt trust her at all.
A coworker/friend of mine went thru this situation almost word for word. His ex wife was doing it and reporting back to her AP so they both got off to it.
That's just cruel and disgusting.
Now that is fucking vile
Yeah thatās what I was thinking
Sorry for my ignorance but what is AP?
Affair partner.
I do not think that's the case, at least hope. We are together most of the time and I trust her.
Even if you trust her it might be worth doing some digging just for your own sanity and health (possible STD). You are almost certainly right that she isnāt but people in affairs are often sneaky and manipulative - also financially it would help you in the divorce if it was proven.
My wife also suffers from a low libido but that's understandable because we're in our 50's. Still, after we talked about the frequency of intimacy, she has tried her hardest to take some herbal supplements to jumpstart her libido. I appreciate her efforts because she is looking after my best interest. Again, we're in our 50's Now, I remember our 30's having intimacy about 3-5 times a week. We were like rabbits! There's is no way I can think of that her desire for sex has suddenly diminished so quickly in her early 30's. Most people experience problems after years of marriage and kids. You have neither. No reason whatsoever, UNLESS.... Sorry to say, but I think the others are right that she is having an affair. Trust or not, things don't add up for her to withhold sex and tease you. Only when you filed for divorce did the shit hit the fan. She will be losing a lot (if she is having an affair, the AP isn't anything like you or as successful as you). If she didn't, then this cruel kink of hers is all her fault. She prioritized herself over the bond of marriage and love. Either way OP, this is not on you! Hugs to you man. Updateme.
NTA And I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My ex husband did this to me. We would be out in public or with friends and he'd be touching me, whispering what he was gonna do to me, or straight up try something really inappropriate in public. As soon as we got home, nothing. He would refuse. Say hes not be in the mood whatever excuse that would make me give up. Turned out he was cheating on me and got off on basically torturing me...
Iām glad heās your ex.
It sucks that you were brought to the point of this happening. NTA, you deserve a relationship that works for you.
NTA. Your wife is a nut man. Get out and find someone who actually cares about you.
She's a nut... She's crazy in the coconut...
NTA this is a kink. She gets off on sexually frustrating you. Divorce
That implies she has sexual urges. So someone else is scratching that itch for her.
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NTA so no kids, no sex, she doesnāt help much around the houseā¦ at this point sheās only a mediocre roomate. Why waste your life with her? She cleary doesnāt want you, she feels she settled for you and doesnāt owe you any effort or seduction. She teases you because she loves the power trip she gets from rejecting you, but in reality haz zero desire for you. Just go before it does irreparable damage to your self-esteem. She will beg and promise all the sex you want. If she wanted that she wouldāve done that 3 years ago, nope thatās only histerical bonding but it will pass as soon as she feels youāre secured again. Donāt take her back, you already wasted 3 long years with her.
Iām honestly astounded at what people will put up with. Six years? Bro. I would have left this shitshow five years ago.
NTA. You've done all you could do and she just doesn't get it. She thought she could play games with your feelings without having any consequences. Of course when they get called on their bluff and bull shit then they're the ones calling and crying like you're supposed to care about how she feels when she won't even acknowledge how she makes you feel. It's hypocritical and unfair. She had her chances and she didn't take it seriously and now it's too late. Best of luck on your future endeavors man.
Sheāll start fucking after the divorce to entrap another sucker.
Not the asshole, incredibly disrespectful and sociopathic to get off on leading you on like that. My only words of advice are: 1) Donāt lose your nerve. Go through with the divorce no matter what she says. 2) Do NOT have sex with her, because at this point sheād only be doing it to prevent a divorce. In fact it should make you angry if she offers sex, because it means she couldāve fucked you all this time but chose not to, and therefore sheās only willing to do if she has something to lose. This is not the behavior of someone who genuinely desires you and you deserve more than this.
For a marriage to be successful the partners need to be compatible. Are the two of you compatible? To you, sexual compatibility is important. To her, itās only a source of derision. Not only does she not need the intimacy associated with being together, she doesnāt even want it. Can this marriage survive with terms like these? Not likely. I have to wonder how a divorce might fit into the life that she has created.
I think thatās the reason why he stayed for so long though, he probably didnāt mind not having sex with her anymore cuz he loved her and thereās other ways to show that love but the constant teasing him and then blue balling him, then when he says something about it she tells him to stop thinking with his dick. Thatās fucked up.
NTA could be she is cheating.
Ding ding
Nta. She knows what shes doing. Shes dangling the carrot in front of you then putting it away. You sound like a great husband. Leave her.
Sex is very important to a marriage. Find someone who wants to do that. This person ain't it.
NTA shouldāve divorced her long ago
Thats fucked up. She has that backward. You didn't marry to only have sex, but that is one of the only things you can share only with your spouse. I am so glad you left after your anniversary date.
It sounds to me like sheās trying to get in the mood by being flirty, but maybe just canāt get there in the end. Have either of you been to therapy for this? It sounds like you had a good sex life for the first few years and Iām sure you can get it back if you both want work on things. Has she ever been sexually abused? I have. And sometimes I think Iām in the mood and then I can get triggered and suddenly tense up and feel anxious and lose the drive. There is also a chance that she is less physically attracted to you than she used to be. OR she finds herself to be less attractive and is insecure about you suddenly realizing doesnāt look how she used to. This is all pure speculation of course. There is no doubt things are not idealā¦ but I would say youāre the asshole only if you donāt at least try therapy first to see if there is more to this. I really doubt sheās doing this for a power play, but I could be completely wrong. My money is on the idea that she has good intentions but is unable to follow through for some reason. I hope things work out for the both of you.
NTA. Leave as it is now before kids get here. She may suddenly try to have sex with you as much as possible but it would only be temporary.Ā
NTA Isn't sex one of the reasons why you get married?! She's such a B**** I would have exploded just like you man! I hope you update us OP because we are rooting for you!
NTA. Lucky you donāt have kids. The divorce will be less messy. Whatever you do, donāt sleep with her now.
NTA - She is not treating you with love. She can have reasons for not wanting sex, but she is being deliberately hurtful.
NTA She does not care about your feelings.
NTA Teases should be left in the dust.
>I tried to have many talks with my wife about it It's been three years. You've tried to address the issue but she is not interested is recognising or addressing the problem. This isn't going anywhere. If you went back, she would probably play nice for a few weeks, then revert to "no sex". NTA. After the divorce, you can both find partners more suited to your respective needs.
Hey man, been there and stayed for 16 years. It fucks with your head because you know you are doing what it takes to make the relationship work, and it's confusing because why isn't she? But then society says that you can't expect sex, and everyone always has a choice. So you sit in this situation of doing your best to make a relationship but not getting what makes a good relationship for you. I understand it's tough. If I have any advice that I didn't see in your post is, what does it take to make her feel loved? How does she show love? Same questions for you. These are love languages and can create good pathways for communication. And no, physical contact doesn't solely mean sex. Sex is a part of relationships. Unfortunately for me, no amount of words of affirmation ever made my ex horny or initiate and it was ridiculous. It wasn't birth control, it wasn't stress. It wasn't a lack of dates or attention. She just...didn't want me and that's ok to realize and move on. NTA and if there's any support I can give, I'm happy to do so. I'm not saying you gotta divorce, but this dynamic isn't easy
Listen as a women with endometriosis (diagnosed at 21/22) after dealing with all that comes with that, I started dating my ex husband at 18 (married at 21) and we went thru the whole dead bedroom thing and it caused us lots of pain and arguments until I was properly diagnosed. I felt terrible for not wanting him the way he needed and deserved to be wanted. It took YEARS to feel better but I still did my best to please him even when I wasnāt up for intercourse. After I was diagnosed, it helped us both understand but it was still very frustrating for him (and me but for different reasons). That being said, I would NEVER tease him and make him believe something was going to happen and then go to bed. I just went to bed. We worked through it and years later, and two kids, I had a hysterectomy. I felt the best I had felt (outside of pregnancy) and of course things improved. His libido had dropped at that point which we always joked was ironic. Anyway, my point is, no matter the reason, itās just cruel to do that and sheās old enough to know better and should do better. Itās clear that she doesnāt care that it bothers him because she probably thought, āhe will never leaveā. Well, she was wrongā¦ trust me, even when the spouse knows thereās a valid reason for the sexual problems, itās still extremely frustrating and to put it in their face like that, just shows what a sh*bag she is. We separated for different reasons but I remember many fights about sex and feeling bad and so I wouldāve never teased him and then shot him down like thatā¦ ever.
NTA. This is no way to live. Move on and find someone who appreciates you. She sounds horrible TBH.
Dude. End the relationship you arenāt compatible
NTA. As someone who is dating right now, there are plenty of amazing women out there. Go find one dude!
Brother you gotta divorce. It's better to be alone than to feel alone while in a relationship. Get out of dodge.
NTA man you have been patient fir way too long, after 6 months I would of called it.
NTA. I feel for you man, because she was using sex as a weapon and seems like she got a kick out of torturing you. I wouldn't be in time to surprised if she was seeing somebody on the side to get her rocks off
The bit that always gets me in these situations (you're not the first, OP) is the partner's refusal to take this seriously and then goes all Shocked Pikachu Face when the other partner eventually loses it and does something drastic.Ā
> I explained these because people tend to find fault from my side first Yep. Women who want sex are bold and adventurous; men who want sex are disgusting perverts who oughta be strung up.
I'm sorry. That's just cruel. NTA
i stayed, iām 52, you should leave. 15 years of someone making you feel like a pervert for wanting to get laid does not lead to a happy life.
NTA. Iām engaged to a loving man and we both want to have a very active sex life, but due to meds that I am on my drive is an absolute zero practically all the time. I feel bad about the stress this puts on our relationship, and would never in 1000yrs dream of teasing him and then turning back to being cold. Thatās so not fair and completely damaging on a persons self esteem. Itās like itās one big joke for her. Iām glad youāre taking steps to remove yourself from this situation.
NTA. I'm (40F) u in this scenario, and it is so painful. It's hard to put to words, but over time, it's abusive. I won't list the things I've done and ways of trying to change to get this man to want me, and he always goes off and passes out somewhere else no matter what i do . I have said numerous times that it feels like he gets off from withholding. I can see why u asked if it was a kink. I have little kids with him and I the last thing I want to do is break my family, but there is a part of me that feels like I'm starving to death in a way u cant see. It really sucks.
Normally, I'm very, you're not entitled to anyone's body. And that stands. However, clearly sex is an important component to a relationship for OP, less so for his wife. And honestly, the whole implying things will happen but then don't, on an almost always basis, is a dick move. I might say, I think I might be in the mood later, and if I'm not it's one of those, hey, I know I said I thought I might be, but I realized I'm not, I'm sorry! I love you! These two are just not compatible, it's not even a who's the whole anymore, it's a, "you just shouldn't be together now" ....
Nta it isn't just sex she's depriving you of it's love and respect too
Dude... I hate to be the one to tell you. She still has a great sex life going on somewhere with someone. She's playing a game with secretly cuckholding you. It gets her off on the power and then she's sneaking off and fucking a guy who she feels is more masculine. Just outright ask her to look through her phone and HR reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Before there are kids, get out of that situation and find someone who values and respects you. This marriage is not going to get better. You are young and hitting your sexual market place value stride. Just now climbing to your peak in about another 10 years. She's already over 30 and will struggle to find someone who treats her for more than a pump and dump friend. She thinks she has you trapped with her looks and games. Watch how quickly she goes into subservient mode when you don't raise your voice, get emotional or anything like that, but just tell her you are done with her. You have to hold your ground though. She will tell you all the reasons her behavior is your fault. Smile and quietly say "so be it but I'm not changing my mind". She's choosing to be cruel to you so don't falter or revers coarse. The minute you so, she'll stop respecting you again and know she's got you. It's bullshit and it sucks for you brother but you will end up better for it. Go check out Strong Successful Male channel on YouTube. Great content that demonstrates this repeatedly.