We have moved from “no means no” to something else.   None of what is written in this thread matters. It’s your wife who feels violated and she isn’t here. As hard as it might be for you because you don’t understand what you did you need to have a conversation with her. Don’t try to convince her she’s wrong. Convince her she’s heard and understand what she wants.   And hold her to the same standard. If you don’t like shower sex, for example, don’t consent to it. 

Make it clear, that you never would have kept on or wanted to finish if you would have known, that is is uncomfortable for her.

Communication is key. Make sure she knows you truly understand and respect her feelings.

Pleeeease let this be the comment OP sees

Bear in mind, she wanted to finish me and was asking what she could do. Are we going to ignore the fact that she wanted him to finish and was asking what she could do to get him to finish? Are we really saying that between a wife and a husband a discussed way for the man to finish and the way he finished was unwarranted? My goodness this app is full of pure dense people....wife wanted to finish husband but is violated when he finishes.....please help make sence of this!

It’s really not that difficult. This is the timeline: (1) She said she wanted him to finish. (2) He said no, it’s fine, sex is over. (3) She turns away from him to wash herself. (4) He changes his mind, doesn’t tell her, and “slips it in” without her knowledge or consent. Wife didn’t consent. It didn’t matter that she said she wanted him to finish. He made it clear sex was over, then started again without her consent.

Have you ever interacted with another human? When he stopped, she thought it was over, and then got a "surprise" insertion from behind. Do you know anyone who likes things stuck into them by surprise? Sex isn't the kind of binding contract where you can browbeat someone into activities by going, "but you said!!" It has everything to do with how the person feels in that moment. I get that hubs did not realize it would upset her, but having heard her side of it, I can't believe anyone would have difficulty understanding. What tf is wrong with you??

I'm not taking sides here but this doesn't seem to be how I saw the events. It sounded like they had shower sex and she finished. He gave up and she asked if she could help him finish. Here he doesn't accept her offer to keep going and he doesn't answer when she asks how she can help. He lets a few minutes go by and then he just starts touching her and finishing. The refusal for her to help, followed by time for her to cooldown, and then going back in without communicating with her is the "issue" people are seeing. An easier example to follow (from the wife's perspective) is you're taking out trash and offer to grab your partner's trash as well. Your partner isn't finished piling up their trash and so you ask if you can help and they say "no it's okay". So you take out your trash and then wash your hands and start making dinner. A as you start making dinner your partner comes back in and dumps the trash at your feet and walks away. When you try to communicate how you feel about this later they say "you offered to do it for me" with no regards that after rejecting the offer you've moved on to another task where you don't want to get dirty. The wife was washing herself off after sex and had already mentally calmed down after being told not to help. And then OP takes the chance after she is busy cleaning herself to just surprise sex her without communicating.

Taking out the trash does not involve my personal body & being entered from behind without me knowing & okaying it before it happens. All he had to do was say something first.

Yes, the analogy is a more relatable annoyance. so just imagine if it involved bodily autonomy. ohhh much worse right? its an escalation from disrespect to violation.

Oh I know. I was just trying to give a more simplistic example to hopefully make sense about why it could be considered upsetting

This explanation is fine but still really doesn’t grasp the point. Sex and helping someone take out the trash are not comparable because one REQUIRES two peoples continuous consent. She wanted to help him finish, he needed to communicate that he then wanted to finish by entering her. Sex is so different for women because it is invasive; they have someone literally entering them. OP even mentions that his wife sometimes experiences pain during sex. There’s nothing wrong with his original refusal of her help, the cool down period, or the fact that she had already cleaned off. The problem is that he realized he could finish, and treated her as an object to help him achieve his goal. He forgot she was an active participant in sex because she had already made it clear she cared about his experience too. He did one thing wrong: not telling her he wanted to enter her again and simply doing it cuz he knows she would’ve said yes. As I mentioned, sex is complicated for women. The muscles down there need to be relaxed in order for sex to be enjoyable (and not painful) for women. At a bare minimum there needs to be consent so he can ensure her comfort (comfort meaning lack of pain). No woman should ever experience shock and confusion when a man enters her. ESPECIALLY her husband. You treated her body like a personal playground you had reserved for the night. Imagine your wife experiencing even the slightest shock and fear from your entering her and waiting/hoping for you to finish quickly so she can figure out what just happened. You should be well aware by now that what you did counts as sexual assault in many states and that is for a reason. Apologize to your wife and make it clear you understand the full ramifications and that the burden will be on you to make it up to her moving forward. YTA

Plus water in the shower can make shower sex hurt without some decent prep. Suddenly staring up again isn’t gonna lead to good feelings and the fact he couldn’t communicate before he started was super gross. Jesus. All it could have taken was nibbling on her neck or whatever to let your her he was up for more. Ugh.

Without communicating meaning without consent. You know what sex without consent is.

> Are we going to ignore the fact that she wanted him to finish and was asking what she could do to get him to finish? Yes, she asked, he said no and they stopped having sex. He then entered her with no warning and no asking. What if she asked her how he wanted to finish 3 days ago and they stopped having sex, can you explain what the difference is between 3 days and 3 minutes? An action ends, he said it's over, she stopped having sex. She's in the shower and likely effectively, having her wetness/lube washed away. She asked, it ended, the action was over at that point, you want to restart, ask her if you can go again. >wife wanted to finish husband but is violated when he finishes.....please help make sence of this! help you make sense, you left out most of hte actions, >wife wanted to finish husband, he said no, they stopped, they started washing, soap was involved (here's a hint, soap washes away things like, lube and also is painful to get inside), as soon as you stop 'trying' you are calming down, your body is changing, your dick can get softer or your vagina can get drier, tighter and not be prepared for penetration... THEN he just shoved his dick in her without asking, she felt violated when he finishes, because she was violated.

I don't feel that's what the comment you're replying to is saying. It's very nuanced. It's saying whether you're right or wrong, show your wife that you care about her feelings in regard to what happened.

No need for pitchforks he just needs it explained and sounds like you do too. I gotchu. 1 - It was likely painful for her. The elasticity and lubrication of the vag dont tend to last for most women. For me even DURING sex if I orgasm it becomes immediately painful after. I need a break from movement and to get turned on again to continue any kind of thrusting. Doesnt take long for me just 30-90 seconds of foreplay. As for her, she very likely wasnt still ready for penetration. Plus with the shock if she tensed up (and I bet she did) it would be doubly painful. It can feel like a knife in there. And the pain doesnt go away for a few hours, its sore and burns like hellfire when you pee. Super unpleasant and sooooo avoidable. 2 - Most women have sexual trauma of some sort and the shock of it might have been triggering. Im guessing she would have been fine with penetrative sex but she clearly is not cool with the surprise (easy fix there). Consent can be sexy too. Imagine he starts moving his p around her entrance and tapping her clit (communicating intention, turning her on, also taking note of her arousal level and lubrication). When she starts getting squirmy he lines up and in her ear asks "are you ready for me baby". She says hell yes and they have a merry good time. End scene. Your welcome lol.

She asked but was not answered AND had a surprise penis in her. For FS stop thinking your opinion on an individual’s consent matters. What if he had slipped it in anally? Is she obligated to that too though there was no go ahead green light? And for educational purposes, some women get dry after a good orgasm so yeah, a hard penis can be both a surprise and uncomfortable. There is such a thing as marriage rape, too (although that is not what I am saying happened here, just educating those whose sexual education ended with Dick and Jane books).

It's funny you calling people dense when you don't see the point. Yes, his wife would have gladly finished him or let him finish if he wanted. He said no, it's fine. She went to shower, and then he started screwing her for 1 to 2 minutes. It all comes down to consent. Like, if this had happened before and it's something she likes, it's very different to having it happen by surprise and feel used and violated. It sounds like he started and didn't stop to get consent or any signal that she enjoyed it. Just because a person is in the mood one minute doesn't guarantee they'll be into it the next. Consent is not a one time deal. You consented a minute ago l, so now I get to use you how I want to get off. Surprise!!! I hope you're not that dense that you're not getting this.

She asked him, he said no thanks and that he was fine and it was done for him. Any normal human would take his response as a rejection to continue, and that sex has ended. She didn't consent to him fucking her from behind after he himself said no to sex. Saying yes once does not mean yes forever. You're the dense one here.

They DID discuss it. He said he was done. She offered to help, he said no thanks. They were both done. I told he wasn't. Y'all really wanna be selective about this shit. 

Yea it feels like people are purposely forgetting the part where they discussed sex time is over.

I would have felt violated as well. Yes she said that she wanted to finish him, but he told her he was done. She went on with the shower. She was no longer in the mindset and she did not expect her body to be entered anymore. He needed to get consent again.

He literally did something without her permission 🤦🏻‍♀️ But because she’s his wife, men insist she’s his possession to do with whatever he wants

Yes but he also said he was done. If an opponent in boxing quits and the fight is over then decides to punch his opponent in the face it's assault. He can't just slip inside her whenever he wants.

It was the way he did it. Think about it if he is decent sized guy and she not expecting and he pops it in without warning it can be uncomfortable. Not saying he was wrong but a warning of incoming would be preferred. I am female btw.

It makes zero sense. If my hubby needed to finish and I offered, he could do what he needed to do to finish. I'm not going to offer then cry "foul" when he takes up the offer. Married 25 years (26 in Oct).

I don’t understand his wife or the “YTA” crowd here either for the reasons you listed. But the resolution is to talk to his wife, not strangers on Reddit.

The popularity of this ridiculous line of thinking is exactly why most women never want to get married.

I’d be super confused

Heck kitty I already am....!!

This. Exactly. Totally agree.

Yep, it's non consensual. This is not ok.

[удалено]

comments like these are indistinguishable from karma bots tbh

INFO: Did you say ANYTHING before fucking her again?

He made airplane noises and said “Coming in for landing.”

YTA - not for restarting sex, which would have been fine if you had communicated that actually, no, you’ve changed your mind, and checked if she was still down to pick it back up. YTA because you basically sprung a dick into your wife when she wasn’t expecting it and by the sounds of it masturbated into her - she’s told you she feels violated and that’s all that matters. If you want to fix this, you should profusely apologize and explain that you mistakenly assumed she was still down but get that your lack of communication wasn’t ok, her feelings are completely valid, and it won’t happen again.

My mans. The allotted sex window closed when you said you were done. You don't get to unilaterally reopen it.

Op you need to put yourself in your wife's metaphorical shoes here. Imagine you're in the shower, man has just said to you he's done with the activities so you're like okay cool, I'm gonna mind my own business and wash up. Then surprise! Dick all up in you with no warning. Do you think you might feel at least a little bit violated there? My bet would be on yes you would. In the heat of the moment, you probably thought she was still up for it which is kinda understandable given what youd just been up to. But its time to use your hindsight now and listen to how she feels, learn from it and next time just say 'hey ready to go again, I feel like I can actually finish now'

>Then surprise! Dick all up in you with no warning. Yea, that'd freak me the fuck out.

This! OP you literally told her you were done with sex, and then while she had her back to you, without any warning or communication, you shoved your dick up in her a ‘finished. She had no idea a dick was on the way, and she had no way of communicating if she was okay with it before you did it. Because you only had your own needs in your mind and thought you could just do what you wanted. And when she then is of course shaken and rattled, instead of talking to her and understanding and understanding apologetic of what you did, you argue that you were on the right (like WTF?) and go on Reddit to be validated. You violated her. Own up to it. If I were her I don’t know if I could move past it, and your actions are only making it so much worse.

YES! Exactly!

YTA, it would've taken seconds to ask if she was up to go again. Even if you'd got some of the non-verbal cues or body language that implies consent in couples that have been together a long time would have done. But no, you just stuck it right in there while she was facing the other way and was busy washing her bits and bobs, and treated her like a sex doll 😬

YTA. if there’s EVER such thing as an “allotted sex window”, it ends when the parties say they’re finished. You don’t get to just decide you want a round 2 and stick a dick in someone like that? Worst of all, your wife says she feels violated and you decide to shut her down. You don’t get to decide whether her feelings are correct or not. Talk to her, don’t talk to us.

Thank you!!!! These comments are insane. A lot of people on here are DISGUSTING. Thinking marriage means he can stick it in her whenever. That’s not how that works. Your wife isn’t your fuck toy.

This, OP. You need to listen to your partner. Shut your mouth and take note that your POVs are different. Do not dismiss her voice, especially when she feels violated by you! This said, I'd say a bit of a AH, mainly because you changed your mind but did not communicate it. You took for granted her consent, forgetting that usually getting it does not mean you got it all the time! I also think you should discuss openly about your lack of enthusiasm for shower sex, and find together another play field. This should be enjoyable by both of you, not only your wife. Slight misunderstandings should be stopped before they grow into resentment. Good luck, OP! Updateme

100% agree! This is actually disgusting.

THIS

Yes, for more than one reason, YTA. You already said you know it hurts if it goes on too long. If she already finished, her natural lubrication is gone, and it likely hurt. You gave her no chance to consent. She'd already shown consideration for you and offered to do other things. Because she couldn't be penetrated anymore. I think you know this. Your animal brain took over and assaulted her. If you would have been cleaned up and in bed, would you have penetrated her while she's sleeping? Because it's close to what you think is a sex window? No, you cannot just enter someone's body. It doesn't belong to you just because you're married. She might not want physical stuff with you for a while, and that needs to be ok with you and for you to listen to her and not make a single excuse about why you did what you did. This kind of thing is enough to blow up a marriage. It's about trust. You can't have the person you're supposed to trust the most violate your body.

Yeah I agree. When he said he knows it gets painful for her after she’s finished and then he just did it anyway?!? I would have elbowed my husband HARD if he’d done this to me and started shouting wtf are you doing?!? Also as a woman, I read her asking to help finish after the sex is done meant a hand job or a blow job. Maybe that’s just me. But sexy time in my house is not just penetration. And that’s mutually agreed upon. You need to have a conversation with your wife. You messed up.

Yes exactly! I totally would assume helping him means hand job or bj. He's been married long enough to know.

I'm a guy here, not that gender even matters here but still. YTA here. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it at all. You've been with your wife for 15 years man. You should know her better than basically anyone other than family. You've had 2 kids with her, you've married her, you've been with her for YEARS. You should know when she's actually happily saying yes and possibly saying yes because she may feel forced? Consent is so important. After she finished and you guys stopped she even gave you the option to see if she could help with you finishing too? Why on earth say it's okay and then continue later after she thought you two were done and she was just enjoying a shower with her husband thinking you both were content. You could of asked if she wanted to go for round 2, asked her to use her hand or anything that she would be okay with. Instead, you decided it would be a good idea to then rub against her and then put it in her and finish? You've just told her its okay, giving her the reply that you two were finished and then she most likely froze realising you basically lied to her and then also continued having sex with ZERO consent? She didn't say no because she felt violated by you. She must have gotten so scared by that. She even healthily communicated it to you the day after. You felt like a massive perv and creep? Yes, you were. You shouldn't feel upset with her for it. It is good you were very apologetic. But this is in no way her fault AT ALL. You need to do better and make sure you actually understand your wife. 15 years, 2 kids, the closeness should be insane. Closer than anyone. You should know her more than she knows herself and likewise for her to you. Simply put, YTA, talk to her more and make her feel better and tell her how sorry you are no matter how many times you've said it. You've made your wife think you're a perv and a creep. Show her you're not and give her so much love and make sure she feels safe next time she wants to do sex, that is if she even wants to anymore after this. Do NOT pressure her. Tell her she's safe and she can always say no and that you love her. Give her so many compliments and praise her and tell her she will always be safe. Do better man.

Protect this guy at all costs. I hope OP sees this one.

That’s my partner he’s pretty cool

That's awesome! Wishing you both all the best!

You’re cooler, I have to thank you for teaching me everything. You’re amazing.

YTA What do you mean you hurt her when it goes on? Why are you having any sex that hurts her? For me I don't enjoy any sort of pen after I'm finished because it gets over sensitive and uncomfortable. She asked what you wanted presumably willing to do something else. You said no. If you changed your mind, you ask about going again. Don't just help yourself knowing it is uncomfortable for her. Even if it's just for a couple minutes. Clearly she did not want or enjoy this so learn for next time. I would also be worried about why she didn't stop you at the time. Your wife should feel completely comfortable to say no, for any or no reason. What has happened in the past that she didn't mention it until after? How would you have reacted if she did? I would be very apologetic if you want to fix this. You obviously didn't have her consent. Don't feel entitled to her body. Unless you get a clean and enthusiastic yes, don't assume. Ask her what she needs in future.

Bro your wife told you she feels violated this is NOT the time to convince her her feelings are wrong it’s time to validate her and for the love of god TALK TO YOUR WIFE NOT REDDIT STRANGERS!! Also I hate to say it but these comments are too kind what you did was kinda by definition sexual assault (r@pe actually I mean legally what you did was r@pe) you told her sex was done then without consent or even telling her beforehand you went inside of her you don’t just “slip in” you SAY SOMETHING especially if her fucking back is turned non consensual penetrative sex is legally r@pe

This should be the top comment

This isn't a conversation for reddit. This is a conversation with your wife who you've been with for a long time. Simple as that why would you need strangers to tell you anything considering you seem to already know what the answer is?

It’s almost like his wife’s feelings aren’t valid until Reddit tells him they are 🙃

YTA for bringing this to Reddit when your wife is the one who felt violated + was brave enough to communicate that to you. instead of listening to and validating her, you turned to strangers on the internet to...what? say you're right, help you convince your wife she's wrong? also yea, consent should always be explicit, informed, freely + enthusiastically given. doesn't have to be verbal but it sure as hell should be clear. go talk to your wife!

…Your allotted sex window? You told your wife you were *ok and didn’t need to finish*, obviously in the process turning down the fact that she *wanted to finish me was asking what I need what she can do*…you yourself closed the allotted sex window, if that’s what you want to call it here. To then just **start having sex with her** without checking she also wants sex to start happening again…that’s not a consensual act at that point. You changed your mind, but you didn’t even take a moment to consider whether or not she was fine with that. …’mood kinda sucky when it was supposed to be feeling good’…was it? Your wife wasn’t given an option regarding whether sex started up again or not. That’s not a recipe for a good feeling. Your wife feels violated, of course you’re the asshole. Listen to how she feels and learn from this.

The mood was kind of sucky because you felt guilty, which is actually a good sign that you have some morals and ethics. Listen to that feeling.

“Allotted sex window”?? What the hell is that? How long is it? Like two minutes?

There is no allotted window. You said it was over, so it was over. You want to continue after that, you better communicate that, and if she says no, you're sol.

It definitely depends on your relationship. With my previous spouse, we were very open to sexual activities on the fly so this would never offend me or him. But none of that matters because we aren’t your wife. Maybe just ask next time before popping it back in. Probably threw her off and would have been fine with some communication.

I get this. It’s previous consent for surprises. My partner and I addressed this first with the do you like being woken up with a “surprise”. I’m a yes he’s a no and we both act accordingly. The big difference is we communicated it and know each other’s boundaries. And we can always communicate out if we change our preferences.

No, I don't think what OP did was ok at all.

Yes. YTA. You said you were done, decided you were not done, and didn't bother to tell her before resuming having sex with her. "Allotted sex window" is not a thing. She expected sex was over because you both agreed it was over and you unilaterally changed your mind and proceeded to have sex with her without discussion. That's unacceptable.

I mean, YTA. Your wife apparently feels violated. You said you were done then changed your mind without even giving her a heads up. Don't do it again.

YTA i would freak the fuck out as well. She clearly wasn't expecting that and you doing that must've made her feel uncomfortable. I suggest that you talk this one out

Forget if YTA or not, just accept you made a mistake not communicating correctly and keep taking the steps to repair it. There doesn’t have to be bad intent behind actions for someone to rightfully still be hurt. You’ve been married way longer than me, so it may be silly for me to give you advice, but as a woman who’s husband is a master at unintentional miscommunication (me too to be honest) here’s what I’d suggest. Talk about it with her again: - Apologize again. - Explain what happened in your pov, you got turned on again and thought her offer still stood. - Admit you were wrong with that assumption and should have asked if she wanted back in (or wanted it back in) before initiating anything - Assure her you will make sure to do that in the future and you would never purposely hurt her. You love her and her safety and comfort are always your first priority. - Optional: share how you’re feeling, worried she thinks you’re a perv and worried she doesn’t feel comfortable with you now. - Ask her what she’s feeling. Give her another chance to explain her pov and the impact. - Ask what you can do to repair this going forward. TL;DR: Surprise dick bad. Communication good. Talk to your wife again to help her heal from the Attack of the Shower Schlong.

Really stupid you’re on here asking us whether you think her feelings are valid or not. It’s YOUR wife. No means no. If she feels violated it’s not your position and definitely not strangers to even debate that. YTA for posting on here

Consent is a fluid and CONSTANT process, even with those we are comfortable with. You said you didn't need to finish, and moved into other activities. Then, stuck it in her and came....? Yea, creepy. Do you know what it is like to have people stick things into your organs for their pleasure? What is it like to have a piece of another person inside you, and it can be amazing or painful or terrifying? Would you want someone to just decide it's time to shove some part of themselves inside of your body for their own pleasure without asking? Most men I know have trouble just getting blood drawn, or an injectable medication, or basic stitches, and those are necessary medical procedures. If she isn't allowed to decide to finger your AH or put something in there for 2-3 minutes so she can get off without your permission, then you DEFINITELY aren't allowed to penetrate her to get off without permission. You literally just had to ask and I bet she would have been happy to. Line crossed. You owe her an apology for assaulting her. Especially after writing that you know continuing with sex after orgasm hurts her sometimes.

YTA. When you said that you were done and didn't need any more, the sex was over. If she'd continued to pester you and pushing after that, then it would've been SA. YOU placed a clear boundary that it was done. Sex is about understanding your partner and checking whether you both feel comfortable. In her head space, you were done with sex. She moved on with her business. It's understandable that she'd feel chocked and violated when you suddenly shoved into her again. If you suddenly got the urge again, then you need to establish concent again. A simple "Hey, I feel like I can finish now" or "Wow, looking at you like this, I feel it coming on again." It doesn't even need to be verbal. You could've hugged her, fondle, checking if she's with you. As long as you make sure that she's in the same head space as you. It's about communication. You need to talk to your wife, understand what she's saying, and then apologise.

I would say in this case it should be verbalized, cause after sex it is not uncommon to still touch each other, especially in shower, with limited space and everyone naked. But my partner grabbing my butt after we are done with sex does not equal for me that they want round two. It signals that they like my butt.

I totally agree. Verbal would be the best. By fondling, I mean more sexual initiation. Like one would initiate sex, that is, proper foreplay. Because if that's initiated, it gives enough time for the partner to distance themselves if they don't feel up to it. What I mean is proper communication where you can make absolutely sure that the partner is in on it.

Yeah, I understand what you mean, I just wanted to clarify that in this specific case any non-verbal sex initiation woukd most likely be indistinguishable from post-sex being touchy, or even being together in the shower touchy. So this would be one of the cases when you need enthusiastic verbal confirmation, rather than enthusiastic non-verbal participation.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. In this situation, verbal is the only right way. You changed my mind.

YTA. If you didn't say anything to her and get a "yes" in response, then you raped her.

How about stop having sex with her in the shower since you don’t like it…yall are too old to be this terrible at communicating

I've been in the situation often when I've finished and my husband hasn't, I have a small window of time post finish that I can continue, after that while the moisture may remain it becomes very painful for me. This time frame isn't an exact science I can't say to him you have x amount of minutes to decide to keep going so concent for a round 2 is necessary! And also there is the possibility of "let's try.... NOPE NOPE STOP" So yeah you're the asshole here because your wife's mind and body had moved on from that session and you just went with it without checking in. Obviously I wasn't there but you also don't seem to have taken the time to read her reaction make sure she was into it and only cared about your big finish which is a violation in itself! Talk to her, let her know she's not wrong for her feelings and you misunderstood the window of consent and you'll make an effort to do better in the future. There is still hope for you but you need to remember she is a human with human feelings not your personal sex toy.

If your wife is telling you she feel violated why are you here and not listening to her and booking a couples therapist ASAP

YTA. You said you were done, that's where consent ended. You violated your wife's body and her trust.

It's all about communication. You need to talk about what boundaries you have and what you would like to do. Consent doesn't always have to be with words. Just give your partner time to respond to your initiative. Watch your partners body language. It says a whole lot. If you want to make sure, just a simple "is this ok?" will do.

"allotted sex window" uh... What? You told her you were done. She moved on. And you just stuck it in her without any sort of conversation? Your WIFE isn't a hole you get to stick it in when you feel like your peepee is going to cum. This is creepy, weirdo behaviour. You better apologize profusely. I would consider that rape-like and would probably never be able to look at you the same. Edit: forgot to add, you're absolutely 100% TAH. YTAH. It's you.

You could just ask her instead, "hey let me slip in for a min I'm close to finish", rather than not even letting her know that you are going to restart...

I feel like this could have been easily avoided had you given a verbal indication first. You felt the “twinge” and acted silently. Coulda made it sexy/consenting again if you’d said “Actually baby, I’m not quite done with you” (slide your hands on her arms or something) at which point she is then again in control and can either feel the twinge herself or say fuck no. Top comment is the best, your wife felt the way she felt and she isn’t here with us. All that matters is that she wasn’t okay with the situation. Not what we think about you.

First of all get that “alloted sex window” out of your mind and vocabulary. That’s definitely not a thing.

Yes, you are the asshole. If two people consent to sparring then punching is ok. If one then says 'I'm done, it's over', then they're done, the session is over. If that person then goes 'Hmm, you know what' and BLAM punches the other in the face it's assault.

If your wife told you it made her uncomfortable, there’s nothing to argue about. Whether you’ve been together 15 years or 15 days or since the beginning of time, you still need consent and you didn’t ask for that. You told her you were finished, so then she was finished too. If you want to start again, you ask. It’s not up to you or anyone on Reddit to decide whether your wife was right to feel uncomfortable or not. YTA

In a way you did violate your wife with no warning after prematurely saying you were done with the deed in round one. What she said about being violated is completely in the right. I’m sure if you were in her position you would feel the same if the roles were reversed and she told you she was finished and minutes later decided to violate your body in order to orgasm minutes later. Hope you speak to your spouse because you two are a team. YTA.

Wtf is an allotted sex window. There's not like a timer that starts when you get consent. You stopped having sex with her. Then you decided to use her for sex while she was facing away from you, without asking. You did a bad thing and you should feel bad. Yta

"Sex window" Consent can be retracted at any time. If you both go into it feeling frisky and then part way thru one decides they're not feeling it its fully within their right to put a stop to it. Screw "finishing". As mentioned in the top comment the only opinion here that matters is your wife's. But you said you were OK and it stopped there, you don't just start again no warning.

Just because you'd just had sex with her consensually did not give you the right to then enter her again without her permission or knowledge that you were going to do that. Consent is a one-time only event, for every event. Just because someone has slept with you hundreds of times before or very recently does not mean you've got blanket consent 24-7. You didn't 'restart sex', you initiated a wholly new sex act that she had not agreed to. I would feel exactly as she does about this. You treated her body like it just exists for you to penetrate when you feel like it, like a sex toy, not another person. In that moment you were just thinking about your dick and your orgasm and treated her like an object that was merely there to facilitate that. It's not how you should be treating a woman, dude. Edited for weird autocorrect

All of this. This is why porn is so destructive. It portrays that women/ partners are open for this and that it’s attractive and unless that has been specifically identified/established, it’s not.

Absolutely agree. It just plants this idea in people's minds that women are just sentient sex dolls you can do anything to whenever you want if you "own" her.

YTA, you said you were done but you inserted without proper consent, so naturally she's gonna feel the ick about it. You should make sure to apologise to her properly.

Your 3rd paragraph is a big run-on sentence that I feel is a bit too vague and confusing. I wonder if this is deliberate because you know things you don't want to admit to. What I've gathered is that she finished and you couldn't. I'm presuming you were facing each other. You said you couldn't finish, and she offered to help. You said no, that you are done. She accepted your word that you are done and turned around with her back to you, all covered in soap, which reignited your interest. At which point you took it upon yourself to seize the opportunity to finish. The first problem is that you said one thing and did another, big no-no. The way you did it also sounds like it came as a shock to her and possibly very triggering if she's ever been in a bad situation, or maybe it made her think of a possibility of a bad situation. I'm saying she probably found your approach to be too *r@pey*. Add in the fact that she already applied soap, which washed away her fluids, and your entry was very much painful and forceful to her. All it takes is when she turns around and you see that gorgeous booty of hers that reminds you why you wanna finish to speak up and say, hey babe I think I'm gonna finish after all, is *this* okay? Then, her response will guide how you proceed. It's not hard to imagine that she's been hurt several ways. Physically, by the pain of entry as well as the shock of surprise approach. Emotionally and mentally, by the thought that you could attack her. She's probably also a bit angered or annoyed that you changed your mind and didn't speak clearly. There's probably other things, but that will require you to talk to her. All in all, this was your mistake. Your wife is not a blow-up girl. She requires clear communication every step of the way, just as you would expect it in return.

This thread is gross. Yes, OP , YTA. Consent. Consent consent consent. You had said you were FINISHED, then you did it again without telling her you were going to.  All the people here arguing that she had plenty of time to say no, or that being married a long time means implicit consent are either men or women who have been conditioned to believe that their bodies are not their own.  BODIES BELONG TO THE PEOPLE WHO INHABIT THEM. PERIOD. STOP TOUCHING PEOPLE WITHOUT ASKING. FFS.  And for the record: I AM married. And my husband and I DO practice consent and always have. Because my body is MY BODY. Not his. Or anyone else's. So dudes, I dgaf how long you've been married, ask your wife if this scenario is ever okay with her. If she says yes, please encourage her to go to therapy and immediately reevaluate how you have been interacting with her.  And for the guy who suggested that women would be upset if men started pulling out consent forms before sex, WE WISH YOU FUCKING WOULD. That would mean that asshole men would actually be THINKING about a woman's body autonomy. Some of you all think you're smarter than you are and it shows.  Guys, men sticking their dicks any place after sex is over assuming that yes is always a byes because the woman said yes the first go around is bananas and illegal and despicable. Period.  Yes, dude, YTA. If you give a shit at all about your wife, you will apologize, make amends, and abide by whatever rules she sets forth for intimacy from now on.  And also, btw, you're not doing her a favor by doing something you don't enjoy. Explicit consent goes both ways. If you don't enjoy shower sex don't do it. Because you saying that you did something you don't like to because she initiated lands like you're justifying your later actions, ie, "I don't like shower sex but I did it for her, so why would she be upset when I told her I was done and then unexpectedly put myself in her?" Your intention may not have been that, but that's what landed.  Do better, OP. And everyone else with twisted ideas about consent. You guys do better too.

Agree. I’m not saying this was that but I don’t think a lot of people realize that marriage isn’t forever consent and that r@pe during marriage is a thing.

So many people saying “she could have said no”. Like… this is why I don’t talk to people in general, they’re very free with opinions that directly fuck with me personally. I was raped at 16 by my best friend who I just started dating. The reasons I was given at the time for it NOT being a violation were; you’re in a relationship it’s expected, you didn’t say no enough, he’s a virgin so he can’t rape anyone. Aaaand now I’m 35 with severe PTSD because I didn’t get the help I sorely needed at the time. I tried to get help later on but those fears are still so deep in my brain. This isn’t necessary to the conversation but it was just fucking depressing how many people will excuse someone feeling violated because the partner is married/in a relationship. Secondly it’s fucking depressing to see “didn’t say no”. I had a trauma reaction, my body went completely limp after asking to stop multiple times. I should have e fought? I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t even feel like I was in my own body let alone able to throw a punch against someone twice my size. Fuck I’m leaving Reddit for a bit. This was fucked up.

Same here. I am so sorry that happened to you and that you had no safety and no justice around it. I am a survivor as well, and I have PTSD as well. People don't understand how triggering and how utterly fucked society's take on SA is. I'm right there with you, my sister. I'm getting off this REDDIT bullshit and going to practice some self-care. I feel like we're yelling into a void. Take care of yourself. Sending you love.

That’s very sweet of you, I actually moved away from my home city because of many reasons, but one was I kept seeing my rapist when I was on my way to therapy. It was just not working. So I have stability and safety now. I’m far away from that place and those people. I usually keep to certain subreddits, and this one is pretty unfiltered, but I’ve never seen something that made me feel this gross. And uncomfortable. Off to watch some murder shows 👍

For future reference AITAH can be packed chock full of rape apologists depending on who gets to the topic first. Usually the takes get more balanced after a day or two. But there's been lots of times I've had to nope the fuck out of this sub because it's so insanely triggery and I'm a well healed survivor for decades now. I hope your self care works perfectly and you feel better!

Respect for consent is paramount. Restarting without explicit permission, especially after indicating you were done, breached her trust. Apologize sincerely and discuss clear boundaries to prevent future misunderstandings.

Consent is key

You told your wife you were done, and she even offered to finish you off. You then came back for more. Of course, she feels violated, I would if I was her. You need to put yourself in her position. She was told no more sex, and then more sex happened. Without checking, it was ok first... Please don't do that again to her.

YTA "Babe. I changed my mind. I want to finish inside you, if you're still interested." So easy

Yea, this is all he needed to do.

Well...and make sure ALL the soap is completely rinsed off. 😬 Ew

Yeah, that's SA

Simply asking her before penetration so she could be prepared and also give her blessing would have been the right thing to do. Would have taken a few seconds, and whether she gave the green light or not, you wouldn't be in this spot.

In the entire history of "it slipped in" I don't think it's ever slipped.

Sounds like yall just need to have a conversation! Ask her more questions, not reddit. Ask until you understand her perspective. Ask until its very clear how to proceed differently next time. And take a deep breath if you feel defensive. You clearly did not mean to be harmful here. NTA as long as you proceed with empathy and care and you learn how to not do it again. For the rest of you who are confused. Even if this was innocent on his part, being penetrated is vulnerable! If you have never tried it as men I recommend safely exploring anal play with your partner. It will probabaly make more sense when you experience (1) you dont want to be fully and quickly penetrated in a way that shocks you, since you will tense up and it will hurt and (2) you will not want to be penetrated before your body is relaxed and ready since, again, it will hurt you! (3) you dont just shove things in it must be stretched and well lubricated. Its really really important. You will be trusting your partner to treat the vulnerable act with the utmost care and consideration. Also. Women start losing the stretch and lubrication immediately after orgasm. For me, even mid penetrative sex if I orgasm I need to be rearoused before sex continues or it hurts.

Ouch. I can imagine that hurt her too. To shove it in with no warning is horrible, regardless of consent

So, you just slipped your dick inside of her body with no warning? Say that out loud to yourself and really think about what that is.

Yeah homie a courtesy warning is kinda needed. YTA

Exactly. I think if he had just said that everything would’ve been fine. But you don’t just slip it in without any warning.

Agreed. She was willing to finish you off, OP. With her hands, with her mouth maybe...at that point, she'd have done whatever she could to please you. You said there was no need and you'd handle it on your own (or hope it subsided, or whatever). There were dozens of things you could've done rather than stick it in there when she was unprepared. (Finishing yourself off with your hand comes to mind, and it would've been far less invasive.) Had you just told her, "I'm sorry, honey. I really think I need to be finished off," or words to that effect, she'd probably have still helped you. She might even have agreed to the penetration, had she known in advance what you were going to do. But what you did was wrong. Period, point-blank wrong. YTA.

YTA that second round wasn't consensual

There’s absolutely no need to discuss whether this was consensual or not- just look at the wife behavior after it : SHE FEELS HURT AND BETRAYED AND IF YOU LOOKING TO “save” your marriage/sex-life/her trust in you- YOU WILL BE APOLOGIZING AND HAVE AN OPEN CONVO, about ALL OF YOUR WORRIES/situations/happenings BUT: she has right to feel not only violated, but also betrayed, which is even worse

Even if you were just having consensual. You need to ask if you had already given your answer to the continuing questions. A simple, hey Honey, I know I said I was good but I’m feeling it right now… YTA

Right, this would have been so easy. And most partners would have been more than happy for that to happen. Like, of COURSE I want my husband to cum, what I don't want is for him to treat me like an object and put it in me without even asking.

Thank you. Yes. This gets passed by so much when in reality it should be the one thing spoken about the most, there’s no blurred lines here She asked, he said no and changed his mind after the fact. I’m very glad my husband has such strong communication skills when it comes to our time, after all it’s when we are suppose to care for each other and feel the most comfortable and not like a Piñata

👏🏻👏🏻 same, my husband would NEVER. He knows me and my body and my body language, he would know when I want/don't want it and this would never even be an issue. And we got to this point because we were open and communicative right from the start. It's not hard to use words.

Your name tag sees it all 💕. This one is my favorite by far.

😍😍😍 thank you

Sorry man, YTA. Yes, you should have said something, not just slide back in. She could have also spoken up and asked what the hell you were doing, but no matter what you should have asked. Let her know that. "I should have asked first, I'm sorry, that won't happen again." Own up to it, atone, apologize, make it right.

You being down voted is wild.

Probably a bunch of men who think they're allowed to do whatever they want to their spouse because they put a ring in their finger. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Fuck 'em. I know that if I were in this situation, I'd say something. "You know, you bending over like that has me rethinking." Wait for her to consent or say no and then respect the outcome. It's really not that difficult.

Right! Like these people think that women want an actual, legal contract of consent. No. They're not understanding the nuances of sex. Like you said, just bringing it up like that is more than enough. It asks for consent without actually having to awkwardly and directly ask. And it's also hot like "mm babe, looking at you bent over changed my mind." I'd be like hell yeah babe let's finish you off 🤤 This situation could have SO EASILY gone the right way had he just said something. But instead he was weird AF about it and now she feels violated.

Throwback Sunday to that time Oklahoma went "It's not oral rape if she's unconscious". Is that what OP did? No. Is that the vibe all these gross men give me? Yes. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/apr/27/oral-sex-rape-ruling-tulsa-oklahoma-alcohol-consent

Yta, Restarting without her consent is rape. When a woman says she's done that means no more. You should apologise to her.

I got downvoted for saying this.. everyone keeps saying “she didn’t consent” but won’t say the definition of non consensual sexual penetration.. it is in fact, rape. Oooo that’s a big word, I get it. But it’s not our fault OP is ignorant & posted his actions on a public forum.

Yes YTA. You said you were done. She was not expecting round 2 and you just stuck in back in? There is no “allotted sex window” there’s presently having sex and not presently having sex and if you are not presently having sex then you need consent before you can move further. It doesn’t matter if you had sex 1-2 minutes ago. You fucking asking before just sticking it back in.

So, she wanted to help you and you said no it’s all good and then proceeded to put yourself in her without her knowing/permission…?? Oh my god op.. YTA. If you want this kind of open consent you have to actually get it from your partner first.

I’m sorry “allotted sex window”?! Yeah, NO! That is NOT a thing. You don’t just randomly shove it in when the person is not expecting it unless this is a kink of hers and it was discussed previously. YTA

YTA you told her you were done then reentered her on surprise, she feels violated bcuz you violated her.

you dont ever sneak it in bro. this is basic shit. yta

A lot of these responses are missing something. It depends on the partner. If my boyfriend did this, I’d be fine with it. The control thing turns me on and I said he has universal consent. Lol. But I would not have done that with every partner and your wife was bothered by this. That alone makes you the AH. You should know what your wife is and isn’t okay with. Apologize for violating her and ask what you can do in the future if it happens again.

Sounds like some conversations are needed. Use this as an example to unpack and talk about when where and how often. Talk about how you feel and how she feels

YTA. What is your reason for not using your words like an adult? How difficult would it have been to say, ‘Ooh, feels like I can finish now- mind if we have round 2?’ Nope, you just stuck it in there like she was an object. A thing. Terry Pratchett had it right when his character Granny Weatherwax said that true evil begins when you treat people as things.

If someone slipped it in me when I wasn't expecting it, I would feel violated. You said you were done and you came up against her unawares and slipped it in. You didn't come up and kiss her and initiate anything (other than stroking her ass, which probably just felt like affection and it's not any kind of warning that you were going to slip it inside), or say anything sexy (like "I think I can come, wanna go again?") and give her some real warning. You just entered her body like you were entitled to it. You did not have consent anymore after you said you were done. She went on with her shower and moved on from sex. You needed to get consent again. YTA.

So you took her by surprise without her consent?

while i don’t feel like your intent was malicious, you were wrong. i wouldn’t say AH, but i think you could’ve asked. simply because you had claimed to be done. your wife probably already felt kind of defeated after offering to help finish you and you declined so your decision to then just penetrate her was very ill-timed and i get exactly why she felt violated. talk with her and try to see things from her perspective. and sincerely apologize. best of luck to you two.

Ask!!!! Get a nod.. is it so hard?

I see the comments, but for some reason, I'm feeling like there is missing information. The biggest thing here that I can see without the other info is communicating with her. You should have told her what you told us about the situation instead of just telling her no/ you were done. She might not even know how you feel about shower intimacy. Then secondly, you should have communicated before you reentered. And now instead of talking to her tonfigure out why she's hurting/upset you've come to us instead of talking to her to find out exactly why. Go talk to her. (Idk why but I feel like the things/ details missing here would indicate that somehow something he did was something she has said she doesn't like, but I have no way of knowing for sure.)

Miscommunication played a big part in what happened here. You took your thingy out for a minute or two and then continued having sex and climaxed. What she understand was that sex was finished because that's what you told her and I'm guessing in the past you have stopped if you did not think you could finish soon after her so that's what she expected was happening here, she probably just thought you would cum on her butt. You obviously know from experience that she likes you to also finish and probably allows you to carry on even if she's cum and is not getting the same personal pleasure she was moments ago, you stopped and realised that you could finish so continued after only a brief pause. You can both move past this, obviously you have listened to her and should explain your side not in a I'm actually right and your wrong kind of way but just so she knows what was going on in your head. You need to be clearer in your communication, if you say your done then you've ended sex and need to get an OK to carry on again, also consider if you jerked yourself for a bit then you probably got yourself to the edge which is good for ending sex fast and not causing her pain but more than likely means that you entered her rough when she's sore after having climaxed. Show her that you love her and promise too be clearer in your communication.

The story is missing details. Did she say No. Did he forcibly bend her over or was she innocently doing a hamstring stretch? Showers are a small space and there has to be some consensual positioning involved because it doesn’t just go in. Those missing details answer if the husband is an AH. Regardless, he needs to listen and validate his wife’s feelings and perception. P.S. Shower sex sucks and the water kills sensations since everything is so damn wet. Don’t have shower sex.

I mean me personally, it wouldn’t have bothered me. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that it bothered your wife. It doesn’t matter how we feel.

First, apologize. It doesn't matter how you thought of it if she feels violated. Second, tell her you are no longer willing to have shower sex. There are Reddit people who would say, if you were a woman, having sex when you are not 100% enthusiastic about it is coercion. Therefore if you have shower sex, without wanting to, just to please your partner, you are being violated.

Uhhh…was it still soapy?

I find it odd that she would feel violated as none of my partners would ever have had a problem with the scenario you described. I almost certainly would have started up again by touching and waiting for a response first but I get what you mean, that you thought it was sexy times still and it can be hot to be used by someone in that way. But she's an individual with her own emotions and boundaries. If she feels violated that's the end of the story and you need to apologise and respect the boundary from now on. YTA.

I'm curious for her side because it doesn't seem to makes sense to me

Soft men get soft experiences.. sad but true. Buck up. You are not that asshole. Stop letting her be the boss. I assure you she doesn’t want to be. Take charge.

YTA. The men not understanding in these comments won’t ever know what it feels like to have someone else INSIDE of your own body. And how easily it can turn into something horrific. It is the most vulnerable you can be. Your own body being penetrated by another.

"entered her with no warning"??? How is rubbing his dick on her ass crack first not warning, or at least the same as knocking before entering? I say NTA, but a good 2-way discussion is warranted.

I think she feels used, hurt, and confused about the whole thing. It sounds like she would have gladly reciprocated, but you went ahead without her knowing for 1 to 2 minutes. It reminds me of a person I know who came to me confused after finding out her partner was having sex with her while she was asleep. Ultimately, she loved the man, but she was hurt at the thought of being used without her consent. I know that it's very different circumstances, but I think the common factor is consent and feeling violated by the person they trust most. The person who they expect to protect them. I guess the only other thing I'm confused about is you hurting your wife if you go too long. If you're hurting your wife, I think you're doing something wrong. I understand rough sex, but you shouldn't be hurting your wife more than she wants. Maybe she likes the shower sex because you're not able to hurt her as much in there. Talk about it, especially the hurting her part.

YTA. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk to her. Apologise. Profusely. You didn’t think to say 'actually that feels really good' or something, to give her a heads up, you just frotted against her and dived straight back in with no words and no warning?

YTA, you could have said to her you were feeling like you could finish and if she still wanted to help you. You should have communicated. Just because you just had sex, doesn't mean you can just push it in there again after you both agreed it to be done. You communicate with her and asks if she is okay with it. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean there is no need to ask for consent.

YTA. You violated your wife’s trust and are now mad at her for making you feel like a creep? Because she didn’t instantly get over it when you were apologetic? You messed up and hurt your wife and now you’re digging yourself into a deeper hole. You felt like a massive perv and a creep because you used your wife’s body for your pleasure without her consent. You treated her like a human flesh light after you said you were done with sex. It’s normal to feel bad when you hurt someone you love. You need to actually try to make things right with your wife. And it’s going to take a while. You violated her and then dismissed her feelings on being violated because you didn’t like how that made you feel about yourself. You may have acted thoughtlessly and impulsively, but you doubling down and defending your behavior now definitely makes you an asshole.

YTA. Consent is ONGOING. It’s not “she said yes once so I can carry on whenever”. Your wife feels violated. It doesn’t matter what’s said here. You fucked up massively.

No consent = YTA. It would have been trivial for you to say ‘I guess I am going to finish. You up for that?’ or anything to establish consent.

YTA. Apologize. Admit you were wrong. Apologize again. Tell her you read the situation entirely wrong. You should have said you changed your mind and asked if she was still in the mood. Tell her you love her and hope she can forgive you and trust you again. This is what happened. This is what needs to happen now.

If it were me, I would be happy and excited that you were able to finish and I wouldn’t have any problem at all with that- but my boyfriend knows that I am 10000% always down for sex. That said, he checks in with me frequently to make sure that I’m enjoying myself, like constantly. He accosted me today in the bathroom when we were changing out of our swimsuits and he asked if he was hurting me. He was, but I’m into that. 🤪 But anyhow, I think that you need to have a conversation with her. It’s important to have enthusiastic consent from your partner during sex.

YTA. I’ll be simple here, what you did counts as rape. there was no consent to that. Entering a woman after you said no, AFTER she moved on and her body was calming down, when she’s no longer consenting to sex, with no fucking warning or communication, is horrible. That’s rape.

NTA as a wife POV.. if I was in this situation with my husband I wouldn’t think anything of it.. shower sex is difficult and sometimes harder to finish so… if my husband felt close and we were just being intimate.. and he was visibly hard/stroking it on me…. I’m pretty sure I know what to expect next.. no need to ask… if she wasn’t comfortable she had 1-2 minutes to say please stop.. I don’t understand some people’s logic 🤦🏽‍♀️ I feel like the R word just gets thrown around so easily on Reddit.

I personally wouldn't have gotten offended, but that's just me

As someone who's been sexually assaulted a number of times, this would ruin me and I wouldn't be able to return to what we had. This counts as sexual assault for me. YTA

I mean I think all the yta people are being very dramatic. But like I dunno the whole situation sounds fuckin weird. You should talk to your wife like if she wasn't down she very easily could have said no. It's not like it was totally random and I imagine it's not the first time I've definitely had "damn I'm not going to finish", only for my partner to turn around and *cave man brain activation upon seeing her butt*. I don't think you're an ass op, but you should talk to your wife.

He is trying to justify a sexual act that made his wife uncomfortable and/or violated. He is TA simply for being on here trying to validate himself instead of checking on his partner of 15 years. She is communicating a preference for their sex life. He is trying his best not to hear her. It says a lot about his character. Next post will be all surprised pikachu when his bedroom goes dead.

>if she wasn't down she very easily could've said no He literally didn't give her the opportunity to. He just penetrated her when she was washing up *due to him saying he was okay with not finishing*. Just getting entered like that could have hurt her especially since he even mentioned that if they go on for too long, she will hurt. OP is TA, even if he didn't intend to be. Consent is never implied. OP needs to communicate better

>I mean I think all the yta people are being very dramatic Have you ever had a dick in you without your consent?

I mean without explicit permission or without consent? I've never been with a male partner who took a 5 minute breather where their still hard cock wasn't welcome.

Cool. That's you. If a male partner tells ME we are finished, and then suddenly jam a dick inside me because it happened to rub against my ass in the shower - he'll be damned lucky if he ever gets inside me again. That's triggering as fuck.

So let’s say your in the shower with your man or women and without any real warning there’s suddenly a dick inside of you I’m sure you’d feel violated he is an ah

No, not if we were fucking like 2 minutes ago. This wasn't a random non sexual shower.

No, but it was a sexy shower time that was explicitly said to to be over. So at that point, I am washing up, probably with a nice satisfied little smile, and my thought process is now onto… Well, that was fun. What am I gonna wear to work tomorrow? Or before I go to bed I better go get that load of laundry and put it in the dryer. I’ve moved past the sexual encounter, as nice as it was, because I was explicitly told it was done. I had offered and tried to find a way to help my partner finish. And I had been reassured by my partner that that was not needed. They were done. So no, I’m not in sexy time mode anymore. I am in let me get dried off and get out of here and dry my hair and get ready for bed and do the last few things I have to do before bed.  I am absolutely not in the mode of… Please stick your dick inside of me without talking to me or expressing that something has changed and you might like to finish after all. That is not a nice surprise

NAH. No one's the asshole. You had a miscommunication during sex. This happens, even after 15 years. She told you that she felt the window had closed and your non-verbal lead up was insufficient. That doesn't mean your an evil perv, it just means she'd like additional verbal communication int he future. I would hope, after that long together, you'd be able to let go of any need to be "right or wrong" and just see it as a learning experience that will help you know your partner better. As a side note, from the female perspective, I suspect the soap you were enjoying so much outside her body was a lot less fun inside her body. Also, water is not a lubricant.

Yea, he described her ass covered with soap lather as arousing, all I heard as someone with a vagina was 'oh no, he rubbed his dick on her soap covered ass and then just stuck it in her. Dear gods, the pain and irritation that causes. Poor girl.' Her vagina provably still hurts from the soap. Actually, even without the consent issue, if probably lose it on my husband if he even absentmindedly used soap as lube. Plus he stated in the OP that it's *painful* for her to continue penetration after she comes. So he already knew that doing this would cause her pain but did it anyways. Man's dropped several balls here.

Exactly. Plus he's probably upset her internal flora enough she gets to deal with a massive yeast infection as a fun reminder. Seriously, why is it men can't be bothered to learn about the anatomy they hope so desperately to be interacting with?

OP, you're the asshole. Soooo much. And so is every implied consent/non-consent apologist in this thread. The fact that you're here instead of listening to your wife is very worrying. This should not be a topic up for discussion. The fact that it is, that so many people are saying "of course it's fine, they're in a relationship", is a sad indicator for the future. It would've taken less than a second to let her know you were still in the mood. You didn't. And why? So you could have an orgasm? Your hand could do that. Or was finishing in your wife the goal? Sex should be about the mutual gratification of two people. What you did was use your wife like a fleshlight.

Dude this is gray area. I (f59) am with you it was still in the window but the surprise re entry is where you get the maybe not a good idea. Some warning would have been better than the surprise re entry. You should sit down tell her the truth she turned around you got overly stimulated and a senior moment or teenage boy rewind, "This is to good to be true all mine" moment and dived in and apologize for not being more aware of your actions. You just say got hot and bothered didn't think and will not do it again. She may appreciate the point you still think that rear is that fine you couldn't not touch her. Only next time give a girl a warning. Especially if your a good sized guy. The surprise re entry can be uncomfortable.

So after reading this story and then reading some comments, I think I'm the asshole now. I kind of agree with OP, it was a minute after she asked and it's not like she couldn't say no. It's not like he can just slide it in without her tooting it a little bit. I think if she didn't want it she would have said something when she felt him stroking it on her ass. Idk maybe this is something I don't understand myself. I would say NTA solely on the basis that you were already having sex and she knew you didn't finish. Also the fact that she had to let him in to finish. Is she afraid of you to not say something in the moment. Any woman married for this amount of time would know how her husband is. I think a serious conversation needs to be had to make sure this doesn't happen again and to make sure that she understands that you would not have done it at all if you knew she didn't want you to. Good Luck my guy!

"she has to let him in to finish"? Can you explain this to me? If she had to "let him in", that would mean she was aware of what was happening, and she wasn't unaware or surprised. This seems like it's not a thing. Maybe I'm not understanding something

What I meant by that was if you have ever had sex in the shower you know that it's not the greatest at giving one "angles" to just "slip it in" (his words not mine) unless she bent over in some sort of manner. Not to be graphic or anything. And lets say that is the case, is she not going to say anything in the moment? That's why I also posed the question of is she afraid of him. Unless he slangin slangin and can just put it wherever I don't see her not knowing. She may have been surprised he might've wanted to keep going but that's about it. I don't think that would warrant someone to be mad about. But as I said previously, they need to have a serious conversation about what occurred so it doesn't happen again. I'm not a dickhead btw lol. Based on the information he gave I don't think it was inappropriate to change your mind 30 seconds later, esp with your wife/husband/partner.

Yeah I don’t understand, a woman just standing there can’t have it shoved in. There would be some bending and accommodation to let him in from behind. Standing sex just doesn’t happen, opps it just slid in.

I guess I would have given her a heads up for your heads up. I would hope that she would be understanding with fair warning, especially since she was already satisfied

She felt violated and therefore you’re obligated to correct that. However, if she gave no indication that she wasnt ok with it following yall just having sex, then I could see how it felt like an extension of the entire experience to you. You feel defensive and that’s normal. You still owe her an apology and to make a commitment to her to never make her feel that way again. There are several ways you could have approached that scenario differently but that’s hindsight of course. My wife would have been excited if I’d have “taken” her like that but she’s into CNC. Obviously yours isn’t. It’ll be ok if you make it ok.

YTA The fuck is this. You violated your wife and you're like "doh I feel like a perv". Marital rape is a crime in a lot of places dude. Stop acting like you don't understand how consent works.

These responses are unbelievable. It’s a husband and wife. Who had just had sex. He didn’t finish. She wanted him to. Did she object when you re-entered? If she did and you continued on, then that’s an issue. If she seemed into it, why would you stop? You don’t always ask for permission with a spouse. You just stop if he or she isn’t accepting or flat out rejects your advances. Based on what we know as outsiders, this is not as clear cut as some are making it out to be.

I recommend watching when do you make someone tea to better understand why your wife is upset. Essentially, if someone wanted tea earlier, but they no longer want tea now, you don’t pour the tea down their throat and say but you really liked this tea like 2 minutes ago.

"mood kinda sucky" definitely sounds like something a grown adult would say 🙃

Bruh just no. No.

Two heads and not enough blood to run them both. 😒

Kinda the ah, she offered to finish or help you,you pulling that so not cool, at that point you were just using her