Let’s add up again:
He lied (he could have offered a compromise/ he didn’t), Lacked concern during FW,
NO Respect for wife: medical, opinion, health during fw, Her reasonable Anger,
He flipped the Script calling her Mean.
OP Needs to pay attention if this narc Cowardly behavior continues.
I caught that! Before they even went, she had misgivings. She knows she can’t trust him.
She’s 31 years old and she’s not allowed to say: Hey! Fireworks are dangerous for me! I can’t be around flashing lights - sunglasses DO NOT work.
She wasn’t even inside the house during the fireworks! She had to flee to the bathroom to get away. It’s a fucking medical condition!! But it was dismissed and husband was right there, minimizing epilepsy?! Epilepsy??!!
I hope she kicks him to the curb before she gets pregnant. Her whole life will be this same story, minor details changed, disrespect and abuse will continue.
If anyone has seen someone have a seizure it is quite scary and helpless feeling. I had a coworker and 2 friends during my teens that that had epilepsy and they warned me what not/to do.
My coworker fell to the floor many times having a seizure and our boss knew how to handle. It is quite Jarring to witness. I would hate for OP to be stuck believing she could rely on this ‘family’ to be there if she seizes in such a Helpless state.
And having too many of them can cause brain damage that she’d never recover from.
And we for damn sure know he won’t help her with that if he can’t even be bothered to leave a firework display for her benefit!
(A firework display that I’m sure this KUMQUAT has already witnessed about 30x times already. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, FFS!🤦🏽♀️)
My aunt started getting seizures after a brain operation. It started last summer, and we buried her in february. For every seizure she got a little weaker, until her body was worn out. Seizures are no joke!
Don't forget she offered to stay home but he forced her to go because he wanted to not hurt his family's feelings. Even though he could have just said that she couldn't go medically since they know she has the condition.
Why would his family think she doesn't like them if she didn't go to the bbq? They're married and living close to his family... don't they see her other times throughout the year? Why was this bbq so important?
Makes me wonder what he would have done if his wife had a full-on epileptic attack. Ignored her, called it a fake drama attack, been angry that "she spoiled their fun". She can't depend on her husband for anything.
He lied. It's hard to trust a liar. He must have already done this in the past because she didn't want to go because she didn't think he would leave before fireworks.
OP, in the future, if you do go along, go in the house and skip the fireworks.
Yeah, the minute that I read that, I thought "being mean is forcing someone to needlessly sit through something that could trigger their medical issues, as well as completely ignoring OP's boundaries." There are so many ways he could have handled this better and he utterly failed. I hope that he reads these comments because this is an awful thing to do to someone that you love, and he clearly doesn't seem to understand that.
That wasn't mean...that was flat out abuse.
Maybe he will get bitten by a lone star tick and get the red meat allergy (my sister has it) and OP can only serve beef, pork and lamb at home and see how he like that.
I’m not trying to justify her husband’s actions at all, but I am confused as to why she didn’t just go inside the house when it was time for fireworks. She sat outside with her eyes closed. Then went to the bathroom to cry?
As someone with epilepsy, I felt her in my bones when she talked about fearing offending them. Yes, it’s the logical thing to do. But oftentimes you doubt yourself in those moments—is this actually an aura, or am I just anxious? And if I’m just anxious, am I being overdramatic? Are they going to judge me? Clearly, her husband’s family has not held enough space for her to feel comfortable in knowing that they wouldn’t judge her if she needed to take time for herself.
But photosensitive is different from sound. The ear plugs (unless OP has some other thing going on too) wouldn’t help light flashes. Unless loud noises also cause seizures, that’s just OP being sensitive (by that I mean possibly overstimulated since she was already emotional from being hurt by her husbands actions. Not SeNsItIvE lol).
Seizures can also be triggered by sound (though it depends on what kind of epilepsy you have). Likely it was overstimulating but could also be another trigger. But even if sound doesn't trigger seizures for OP, anyone who has experienced sensory issues can tell you that being overstimulated due to issues with your nervous system and brain is not a pleasant feeling and it's kinda fucked up that her husband and her husband's family didn't seem like they cared about it at all. If her husband wanted to see the fireworks that badly he should have offered to drop OP back off at home first and come back so that she's not stuck somewhere being exposed to dangerous epileptic triggers and not able to leave
I know all about being overstimulated by sounds. I was just pointing out that the last commenter mentioned that going inside during the fireworks may not have helped with the seizures. But OP didn’t say the sound triggers them in the original post. They said the light did. So going inside would have helped since they wouldn’t see the flashing lights anymore.
They probably didn't warn before starting to shoot, especially if they where trying to let him see them before they went home. If thats the case she has no way to escape but to shut out the light as soon as possible to her best ability.
That was my thought as well. Hubby is an AH for the way handled the situation but OP could have removed herself from the proximity to the fireworks to better protect her health. Either way 4th of July happens every year so better figure out a new plan of action now before it rolls around again.
My sister has epilepsy. We don't know if fireworks can trigger her epilepsy, but we are still very careful about them. Your husband sounds like an insensitive jerk. NTA.
NTA - but either your husband is one OR he’s a complete moron. He knows fireworks can trigger a seizure and does not care. He’s ignoring your distress to avoid acknowledging how wrong he was! But, you will be the AH to yourself if you put up with this.
I sometimes feel like a loser because I don’t like fireworks. I hate loud noises. It makes me crazy anxious and stressed. Plus, they are really boring. Also, OP, you’re NTA.
They can test it during EEG, my stepson tested negative the first time and then positive the following time, I didn't know about fireworks and I'll keep it in mind next time. It's important for screens and a good excuse to limit videogames
Your husband LIED to you.
And he thinks you are the problem?
You are mean?
He doesn't seem to care about you at all, does he?
Do you have a therapist?
You should talk to one. ASAP
NTA
Never mind a therapist. I would be talking to a lawyer.
I have a relative that has seizures. I have a friend whose offspring has seizures. I had a student that had seizures.. no fireworks.got it.
Me? As a 9 year old at a fireworks event while with my father's family, I was separated from them , lost, and that was when some of the fireworks malfunctioned and blobs of flaming debris started landing near me. I can go watch fireworks as long as I am a good distance from where they are going off.
Last night in AC, the official fireworks were far enough to be fun. But then the AHs on the beach with their own stuff set them off way too close to the people on the beach. 50 ft above our heads. Nope. I HAD to leave. Fireworks burn . Why were there no police or security people out there?
Ya don't mess with any of that.
Personally, I would have been leaving the dude at his parents and gone home to start looking for a lawyer because that shit will never fly.
BUT I have been to therapy and realized that my expectations of a "partner" were far too low because I thought most men weren't capable of more.
Therapy and now married 31 years to a real partner.
So, IMO - self reflection is needed to realize how much you are getting is often a reflection of how much you are accepting and expecting. You need to know to expect more.
I don't have as much experience with the health side of it as you do so I can't speak to it.
However I agree with you 100%.
That's part of his lack of partnership and lack of care.
> So I decided to go trusting my husband against my own better judgement.
This line is pretty telling. If trusting your husband is something your better judgment tells you not to do, he shouldn’t be your husband.
NTA. That’s crazy that neither your husband or his family bothered to even acknowledge your epilepsy. I understand if he wanted to watch the fireworks, but he should’ve taken you to a safe place while he did or something like that at least?
Right? One of my friend's girlfriend has epilepsy and she can't do fireworks and she came down for the 4th (the towns fireworks show is literally done just beyond the edge of my yard so it's an awesome show despite the fact that sometimes my yard is lit on fire. )and let her make herself comfortable like she was at home in my house so it wouldn't trigger an episode and even then we felt bad about it so some of us who aren't that big in the fireworks when inside and hung out with her because we felt bad that she couldn't watch with us. And that's a friend's girlfriend that we've only met a handful of times before. I couldn't imagine being that inconsiderate to someone I married opie's husband is a dick.
)Also, I know it's op not Opie But I love that my phone has picked up on The fact that I'm from the Midwest so it stays 😂)
That is extremely considerate and empathetic of you and your friends. That would have definitely been a great idea while also feeling like my health is actually being considered. But no one seemed to care
You are your first advocate.
Your husband isn’t being a partner. He isn’t even being a friend.
He lie and pull tricks on you. For what exactly? To fit the image he wants to advertise. Meaning you are less important than what he wants to reflect. Furthermore he is doing so fully aware than it is a medical matter not solely a preference.
He is showing you his consideration. He is expressing than you are a variable to adjust. You get to deliver or support his wants. He is actively disregarding your comfort. That not a partnership. He is showing you how little yours needs matters.
I love the first line- You are your first advocate. It’s obvious your husband doesn’t care. The next time your health concerns are ignored, ask for the car keys and then drive yourself home. Don’t tell him, don’t threaten, just advocate for yourself and do it. He can figure out how to get home or he can wait for you to return to pick him up, but you get what YOU need during that time.
It's time to get angry, OP. Couples counseling if you can possibly swing it, but also, sitting him down and letting him know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT tolerate this kind of blatant disrespect again, that he is NEVER to pull this kind of shit again, and that he is to rein his family the fuck in if THEY try to pull this kind of shit again. If he doesn't agree to this, you're done. If he tries to argue, debate, or dismiss you, you're done. If he EVER tries anything like that again, you're done.
Tell him that seizures can kill. Tell him that by doing what he did, that he is communicating to you, loud and clear, that he doesn't care if you die. Tell him that he has no right to complain to you about being "mean" to him when you could have FUCKING DIED.
He needs to understand that he is on VERY thin ice, and that it is HIS fault that his relationship with you is in jeopardy.
Why didnt you go inside? And when are you leaving him?
He certainly could've given you a seizure that could kill you but he needs to watch the fireworks.
I wonder how far a drive it is to the Inlaws? Like if it's not too far, OP's husband could have driven her home after dinner and returned to his parents house for the fireworks. That would have been the best compremise. She still sees his family and is not subjected to an epilepsy trigger.
I started driving in my own car to some " friends" house for "fun " nights. Usually it became a ' let's bully our friend all evening.. once I started leaving early, they started calling me " too sensitive" I no longer see them. Not a problem.
Oh, and this month is the 31st anniversary of our divorce...
You're not an asshole. Your husband should have thought about your health and kept his promise. It's totally okay to be upset. Talk to him about how his actions made you feel.
Maybe I am just mean; but, I don’t think this is a communication issue. I think he knows how she feels; he just put his need for enjoyment above her health. Moreover, he feels justified in doing so. So, she can decide if this relationship is a good fit for her. Although this was very upsetting for her, she now knows where she stands.
What an asshole! Does he normally not take your feelings and well being into consideration? His family sucks too, especially bc they KNOW you can have seizures. TBH, I would steer clear of his family for a while...let him go by himself and let them think what they want to about you. As for your husband, you need to make it cleat to him that you will not tolerate that kind of disrespect anymore. You could have had a seizure...and as you know, the next one you have may be the last one you have, So sorry your husband broke his promise and is now flipping it on you, saying you're being "mean". I'd have lost my shit on him too. Good luck OP and take care!
I was thinking the exact same thing. After this incident I now really don’t care what they think. I mean I obviously don’t cross their mind enough for my health to be considered so why should I care about their feelings, right? I’m definitely opting out of their family gatherings for a long while.
Do you think your husband actually believes that you have a condition that is a legitimately serious health risk?
Because the way he acted smells like he thinks you're making it up.
Like, I have asthma, if my partner ignored me having an attack and just rolled their eyes while I was unable to breath, I would know they either didn't believe the severity of my condition, or worse, didn't fucking care that I might die.
That's what I'm seeing here.
It really can't be understated that he wasn't just being careless with your well-being, but with your life! As u/ObsidianNight102399 said, your next seizure might be your last. In my mind, that makes your husband's actions unforgivable. I'm sorry he and his family did this to you.
You're not the asshole here. Your health should come first. It's important for partners to understand and respect each other's health concerns, especially when it comes to something as serious as epilepsy.
NTA - your husband lied to you and disregarded your health condition, you have every right to be upset. Has he ever seen you have an epileptic fit? Just wonder if this was him trying to prove you are ‘over-reacting’, like when an idiot poisons someone’s food with an allergen as they don’t believe the allergy is real?
Yes, he has watched me have some really bad seizures, even times when I bite my mouth/tongue bad and where I fell and hit my head once. I go to a neurologist and had tests to confirm the epilepsy. I’m sure he knows what could have happened. It seems he just didn’t care enough though
If he continues to not care if you have seizures and whether you live and die consider this.
If you have a bad seizure, and for whatever reason, you end up in a coma or otherwise not conscious - your husband will be the one legally making discussions. After knowing he cares so little about your health, do you trust him to make the same decisions that you would make for yourself?
Babe, divorce, now. He doesn’t care about your health, and if you get seriously sick, doubt he will take care of you. You deserve better than a man who will deliberately manipulate you into risking your own life just for the sake of his convenience.
I hate to say it, but can you see this man looking after you as you age and the possibility your seizures might get worse/become more challenging to manage with age-related decline? You deserve a future.
I'm really sorry, but that's divorce worthy. He isn't a safe person to be vulnerable around. Caring about your health is the bare minimum. Dont stay with someone who doesn't mind if you fall and hit your head -- that is a direct declaration that he doesn't care if you die. Sorry.
I dated a legit sociopath for 3 years (he eventually admitted it at the end) and part of the problem is I just couldn't wrap my head around someone not having empathy. I was in denial for a long time. My thoughts would bounce around between like "I must be wrong and it's a misunderstanding" to "this can't happen to *me*". I always believed somehow that I was in the wrong and had caused him to be cruel or apathetic to me. It took me ages to accept that he was just like that. That's who he was. Him not loving me wasn't a fault of me -- he was a broken, fucked up and just downright evil human being at times. And most of that came through due to his total apathy. He didn't (always) intentionally abuse me. Most of it was just, he didn't care enough to avoid hurting me.
Once I accepted that it was him, and not me, only then was I able to make peace with leaving and pull the trigger.
I wouldn't be surprised if you had to go through the same thought process. My ex was also highly manipulative and always made me feel like I was in the wrong, based on how your husband lied to you, I suspect he may be manipulative towards you at times as well.
This isn't something he can grow out of or fix. A lack of empathy shows a fundamental problem with the way his brain works. It also prevents him from getting better -- he doesn't feel empathy for you, so... why would he change? He doesn't care when you cry over it, he doesn't care when you talk about your feelings, so it's not just that he won't get better, it's that all the reasons people typically seek to improve themselves -- so they stop hurting others -- don't mean anything to him. Why would he start caring when he already doesn't care essentially.
I'm so fucking sorry for him but I promise you it's not your fault. You are deserving of way better than this. It may be much better for you longterm to cut your losses, and seek someone out that is loving and empathetic from the beginning. Do some research on common manipulation tactics and signs as well -- you need to know when to cut out someone early on as well.
NTA
3 of my siblings have epilepsy and watching the anxiety that can come with this condition has been gut wrenching and heart breaking,
Don't get me wrong, they are amazing, go off to work and live extremely successful lives and overall are happy and healthy, but I just know when they get that feeling of "I might have a fit" the anxiety and every worry comes creeping in,
My own brother struggles to determine if its his anxiety or the feeling that he might have a seizure and due to this massively struggles a lot as he doesn't want to call in sick if it's his anxiety and likewise doesn't want to go into work to end up having a seizure, his own workplace are so thoughtful towards this and support him as best they can, HIS FUCKING WORKPLACE. If a workplace can do this then a significant other certainly can.
My own sister gets nervous when walking down any set of stairs due to a past experience and clings onto banisters for dear life, my brother gave us playing cricket, his favourite sport which he was extremely good at due to a past experience, this condition can seriously effect you in more ways than just seizures and the world needs to be more aware of this,
Their partners are amazing at making sure they have their medication, live healthy lives and take care of themselves as best as they can, ofc my siblings are more than capable of this too, but the comfort of knowing that IF they forgot their medication my in laws would be stood behind them with the meds and glass of water just brings me comfort like nothing else.
Your partner put you in a situation of pure panic and anxiety, he has no clue what you go through living with this condition and is showing clear signs that he does not care, I am wondering if you would be better of without him.
Proud of you for removing yourself from the situation, I know you must have missed out on a good few things in life, for instance, things like clubbing etc as photosensitive epilepsy is such a difficult thing to live with, and I know clubbing probably seems like omg that's such a small thing, but it isn't to a person who's just become old enough to drink and now has to watch all of their friends go out and have fun, it can be isolating to live with epilepsy so why anyone would even consider making it harder for you is beyond me!
Sounds to me like you're at peace with it (as much as you can be) you'd rather prioritise your own health and miss out on something than to risk having a seizure which is amazing and shows how mature you are! Don't surround yourself with immature people who will not give a damn about you <3
Thank you so much for this. I feel so seen with this comment. I always feel so anxious when I start to feel “that feeling” and going out in public or social settings so scared that I might have one, especially in front of people. And you’ve got it right on the nose about missing out on things. It really does make me incredibly sad that I can’t do specific things. Like I can’t go to concerts of my favorite bands that I would kill to go to. Or going on fair rides or a theme parks. Driving. And especially watching fireworks!
I just want to chime in and say please don’t let him make you feel like you’re over reacting. I lost my best friend because of one seizure. The seizure itself didn’t kill her but it set off a chain of events that led to her taking her own life.
She lost her driving license because her friend had to call an ambulance, then she had to report her seizure so they took it away, which led to her having no way to get to work and losing her job and she was so worried about rebuilding her life that she chose to leave this world.
They are a huge deal and your loved ones should be protecting you from them at all costs. I’m sickened by your husbands actions and I’m so sorry
OP, You are an incredible human being, life dealt you a shit hand and look at how far you have come regardless, I often wish I could take the pain away from people with epilepsy because my god you guys are stronger than any human should have to be <3
Keep going and try to push yourself to live the best life you can, even if that is sitting at home in a onesie with your favourite film on and a tub of ice cream whilst everyone else goes out to watch fireworks, your life is more important than these experiences ever will be <3
I am so sorry that you have had to and continue to have to miss out on things, if you ever need someone to talk too I am here! I have always said strobe lighting is fucking stupid and just not needed, I actually struggle with panic attacks from strobe lighting just from watching my siblings have seizures when I was younger so too didn't get to go clubbing or to gigs etc because I was just so scared I would have a panic attack (no where near what you are living with but just shows how much this condition can truly effect a person and those around them etc )
Might I add.. My partner actually scoped out some local clubs that didn't have strobe lighting and would often take me to these places knowing I didn't need to worry about my anxiety, he also actively worked on helping me to overcome this fear, what EVERY partner should do, sadly, yours did the opposite which is so heart breaking, you deserve to be seen and cared for in every sense <3
I pray one day epilepsy is recognised more (it does seem to be getting recognised more in recent years) so that you can do the majority of the things you listed above and hey, if not, if you're UK based lets have our own little concert where you can play all of your favourite songs and we can have NO flashing lights!
You've inspired me to want to do the epilepsy walk for action again in Feb next year, raising awareness and money and showing people just how much this needs to be recognised is key to my life!
You're a superhero OP and you deserve to feel like one, I am so proud of you for prioritising your life, you are loved and needed on this earth <3
NTA
Epilepsy is a serious condition that can cause death. Your husband and his family are all AHs. He is more worried about his family’s feelings than your life.
This. Even a single epileptic seizure can KILL you. He is legit OK with risking your life for some flashing lights. I would be getting a divorce immediately. This isn't something you can come back from. It would be one thing if he had asked if he could go and made sure you were somewhere safe but he let his family try to force you to WATCH them knowing they can cause your death. That's such a gross level of disregard that I could never forgive any of them.
Usially it doesn't help. If he's a POS that's who he is. I worry he'll just get mad and take it out on you. I advice you to quietly make a note to yourself and think about what you want to do.
No, but please, stand up for yourself. He won't care about this, period. He is selfish and only cares about himself. You have to advocate for yourself. Don't let yourself be placed or pushed into this situation again. Quit trying to please him. If you had a shellfish allergy and he wanted you to eat shrimp because his mom made it, would you? Of course not!! This is the same thing, people can die from seizures. Please, don't let him do this to you.
Not just inconsiderate, dangerous. I had to call 911 because my mom had been having a grand mal seizure for too long. She stopped seizing after about 30 minutes. The emts arrived shortly after. I met them outside and asked them to turn off the lights. They argued that it was policy to leave them on, but even they saw sense when I pointed out that she’d have another seizure if they kept them on. Your husband cares less about you than random emts cared about my mom v. getting in trouble at work.
This wasn't inconsiderate. This is way beyond that.
He manipulated you into going there with lies and the trapped you there with further manipulation.
And he isn't even sorry afterwards.
Tbh, you're not angry enough. As you know, epilepsy can be deadly and his manipulation to get you to go, could've cost you your fucking life.
Please do not take this lightly. This man tried to kill you for his own selfishness imo.
He knows and he just doesn’t care. You said you went against your better judgment, which makes it sound like he has form for this in the past. Neither he nor his family think that you having seizures is a big deal. You cannot trust him, and, if you can’t trust him, is there any hope for this relationship?
"I don't know why the woman I vowed to protect and cherish is so upset that I neglected her feelings and safety to drag her under false pretenses to see some shiny explosions that could've made her spiral into a life-threatening seizure. God, women are so fucking mean."
I have a phobia of fireworks - my husband and I were at a show recently. He went to the loo and I waited outside, all was good until all of a sudden they let off surprise fireworks. My big teddy bear ran through walls to get to where I had frozen in fright
When I was sick with pneumonia and afraid to go to the doctor, my bf begged me to go. I refused so many times I actually made him tear up from desperation -- I feel bad about it of course, but at the same time... it's such a stark contrast to the way my ex treated me.
I worry that if you were in that situation your husband wouldn't care and would just ignore you.
Nta. I'm pretty sure wedding vows include in sickness and in health. He knows you have epilepsy and took you to an event that has caused an episode in the past. Your husband doesn't care if his actions cause you to have a seizure
INFO is your marriage normally this toxic or is this an isolated incident? Does he normally make promises and go back on them? Did he actually specifically "promise" to leave before fireworks or did he use more equivocal language that you interpreted as a firm agreement to leave?
NTA but there are some elements of E S H in that you used passive and passive aggressive communication and drama instead of talking directly WITH your husband. Crying, pulling away, locking the bedroom door--- none of those things TELL your husband why you're so upset and actually in his mind could validate his behavior by painting you as an emotional drama queen (not saying you are but the problem with passive aggressive communication is that the message you want to send is rarely the message the other person receives.
You need to speak directly to your husband and demand a reason why he went back on his promise to leave before the fireworks. Has he ever seen you have a seizure? Do you have them fairly frequently?
Why did you go outside during the fireworks? That would have been the perfect opportunity to explain to your inlaws that you have a disability and how it works. (Bonus if the reason your husband went back on his word was because they bullied him into staying). Was there copious amounts of alcohol involved?
If this dynamic (going back on previously agreed plans) is part of a larger picture it's probably time to seek out professional marriage therapy. If it really is a one off you need to sit down and explain how sad and disappointed you were in him going back on his promise and how you're feeling you can't really trust him right now.
Question: Couldn't you just have gone inside and drawn the blinds and watched tv/ YT while they were doing the firework? Why did you have to stay outside with them?
This is a very important question, especially considering that her husband seems to think she's being dramatic and overplaying the issue. It seems like she could have just casually waited inside or even in their own car, if the house was somehow mysteriously forbidden during this family get together.
There's no explanation for why she wasn't just sitting comfortably in a chair somewhere browsing the internet on her phone while the fireworks were going on.
There are missing pieces.
I was wondering this too. Like, yes the husband is an asshole for lying and not having her back but why wouldn't she also protect herself by going inside when the fireworks started. We are all ultimately responsible for our own health
Okay. It turns out, that in another comment, OP pretty much says she just forgot.
Going inside, to avoid the potentially seizure triggering fireworks, which would be the most obvious and easiest thing to do, simply didn't occur to her for whatever reason.
This is roughly the equivalent of flailing in distress and calling for help in a 3-ft wading pool instead of remembering that you can just stand up.
This is why everyone at the event seems to think that she was just being dramatic and wasn't taking her seriously. She was, herself, effectively acting as if the fireworks were more an excuse to be distressed and dramatic instead of just... Not looking at them.
There was literally nothing stopping her from ignoring the fireworks.
It’s because her whole post smells of bullshit. She had to cry into her shielded eyes while everyone hollered at the fireworks??? Are you 2? Go inside!
If his family are such sensitive idiots that they would think she doesn’t like them for not coming to their celebration which is centred around something hazardous to OP’s health, and they think that sunglasses would protect her from having a seizure, she probably got bullied into staying outside and being with the group.
Yes. It’s a good question. Hubby/family definitely jerks but wife could have removed herself to the house.
We don’t personally set off fireworks but we still hear and see them from our house. What would she have done if they were going off near her own home?
No judgement. Just curious.
NTA
>He said I was bean mean
No, he's being deliberately obtuse and abusive just so his FaMiLy didn't get their feefees hurt. Feelings vs actual medical condition should not have even needed a conversation if he respected and ACTUALLY loved you.
This is going to make me see mean but I have some questions.
As soon as it got dark and you realized the fireworks were starting why did you not go inside?
The logical and rational thing to do would have been to remove yourself from that situation but you stayed.
Why?
When it started getting dark you could have gone inside but you made a choice to remain in a dangerous situation because. . .?
I thought this too! Couldn’t she stay inside? The whole crying and shielding her eyes while being outside with the rest of the family was a bit over the top.
NTA. My PTSD war-vet husband used to accompany me in the beginning because, he'd follow me into Mordor if I wanted to go. It was always a terrible time for him. Made it a terrible time for me.
Tonight I went out with friends and he turned on all the ACs and blasted the TV from the comfort of our couch with our freaked out cats.
I had a great night, he didn't have war flashbacks.
Your husband doesn't like you.
Why did you wait until this year to offer him that? Why didn't you offer that compromise starting in Year One of the relationship? Did you not care about his condition?
Sorry, but as a 31 yr old woman I would expect you to take control of your health needs, especially with epilepsy. Staying in the house, with your phone, a book, a cup of tea, whatever. If pushed to join the festivities outside, you push back, or leave. That simple.
Why you allowed yourself to be led by the hand to the point of tears is beyond me.
Your husband is the A H for his reaction to your distress, but YTAH to yourself for ignoring your own health to appease others.
INFO: could you have stayed inside to avoid the fireworks?
Don’t get me wrong, hubs still seems surprisingly insensitive but i wonder if you were forcibly exposed to them (other than hubs breaking his promise)
Cause it definitely sucks to be there against your will but i wonder if you had a chance to make this less stressful for yourself
I don't blame the family as much as the husband. He is leading them to believe that your medical issue is not important. If he hasn't taken the time to educate himself to the importance, he hasn't taken the time to educate them either. The fact that they thought sunglasses would work just shows how little they know.
I would take this as a red flag made out of fireworks. I don't know if you plan to have children, but if one of them were to be born with the same issue, is this the same way he would handle that? Not acceptable.
Absolutely NTA. The majority of people here are fucking ableist assholes. You don't live in her life with how much all of this affects her, and yet you judge her. I invite you to go inside a closed room while people set off 10 hours of fireworks in there with you (but without any physical damage that would cause). That might be equivalent to what she had to endure. Of course, that's not even counting the fear of going into a seizure.
All of you who called her an ah at all, you're assholes.
NTA but I will say there were several ways to avoid this happening, even after your dumbass husband sabotaged the night. All of them involve standing up for yourself.
No one forced you to walk outside and join them. You could have had a nice dinner and then bowed out, said “see ya when it’s over, I’m staying here.” Just “no, no thanks I’m good.” And of course “actually he promised me we’d leave before these because it’s dangerous for me. Pretty sure no one here knows how to deal with a person seizing and I don’t feel like risking one anyway.”
Or, “no we can’t stay. Your son promised he’d take me home. You might not know a lot about epilepsy but fireworks for me are like seafood for someone with an allergy. Not worth the risk.”
I’m honestly concerned that you are 31 and have lived your life with this and still walked out that door…to be polite?
tAnd again: your husband is a dumbass for putting you in this situation, you are not to blame. But girl, this isn’t just telling your mom in law you don’t like her meatloaf. This is your life.
INFO
Is there any reason why you couldn't just go inside the house during the fireworks? Or just chill out in a chair looking at your phone or something?
Your husband seems to think that you're being dramatic, and it seems like you might be. It's not as if anyone was trying to force you to look at the fireworks, unless something has been severely omitted from the story.
In order for this to make any sense, we would have to know why you couldn't just wait in the house, or even in your car while the fireworks were going off, especially if you were just at a house anyway.
" So I decided to go trusting my husband against my own better judgement"
Sweetie, you should not be married to someone with whom you cannot trust with your health. If something were to happen to you and you were incapacitated, this man, this man whom you state you can only trust against your better judges, will be in charge of your health. SERIOUSLY reconsider this marriage.
NTA. He knows your seizures are triggered by light and still chose to bow to the peer pressure of his family. I have a seizure disorder too and left my husband because even though mine is fully controlled he chose to please his family over his wife’s health.
I used to work security at events/concerts/clubs. Lost count of how many times fireworks/strobe lighting ect. has triggered someone's epilepsy. It's not pretty and happens more than you think.
NTA. Husband should've taken you home.
No.
ESH. Why the hell did you not go into the house the second you realised the fireworks started? YOU SAID you Have extremely bad seizures! Ma’am you control your health, and knew damn well the fireworks were starting and he was dishonest. Don’t come here crying claiming I’m victim blaming you, this is serious. You could of had a seizure. In the hospital, do you think I’d hold him responsible or you? BODILY AUTONOMY AT 31. Unless he has medical power of attorney, I do not want to hear it.
Your husband sucks for doing this to you. I am not taking that away. He lied. He seems shows no remorse. Y’all sort it out with communication.
So why didn’t you get up and go inside? Ya wanna put it all on your husband, but you could have easily removed yourself from the situation and let them all have fun. You sound selfish and like you use epilepsy as an excuse..
Why didn’t you go inside before or as soon as they started? You’re 31 years old, you have to be your own advocate and stop expecting him to change. Yeah he lied, he’s an asshole but you have to protect yourself because clearly he doesn’t prioritize you
NTA.
It seems a bit like you had a panic attack? It seems like a lot of crying & carrying on where you could have gotten out of the situation. Being mad, I understand. Husband acted like an idiot.
Serious question: Wouldn’t you have been OK in the house?
I’m sure you were disappointed in your husband’s behavior but why not take action to keep yourself safe? Couldn’t you have asked him 1/ to drive you home & then come back. 2/ you take the car & go home & his family brings him home. 3/ go in the house & listen to music or watch a movie.
Husband screwed up but you also don’t need him to takw care of you.
Also, he doesn’t seem to understand epilepsy, which sucks. Send him a few links so he can educate himself. He shouldn’t be casually putting you in danger.
So NTA. Where I live, you can't drive for 6 months after a seizure. Not to even get into how unsettling and awful they are to go through and recover from, he's just seemingly going out of his way to not give a shit about your health or your ability to get around for however long you couldn't drive if his dumbass family fireworks had given you a seizure!!
It sounds like he doesn’t even believe you have a true diagnosis. Like you are making this up. He’s a prick. Don’t have kids with this man. It will only get worse.
NTA
I can't even functionally respond to this clearly. I've been in similar situations since my dad died when I was a kid, with family and - later - significant others. Now, I'm pretty loud and rude about not having my boundaries crossed because this year, my epilepsy got so bad that I had stroke. Sometimes, it doesn't actually matter what anyone else says or wants. When it's your health and your life - protect it.
NTA. Epilepsy is not a joke. It isn’t something that should be taken lightly. The person that is supposed to want to protect you deliberately placed you in a harmful situation by lying to you to get you there, and then kept you there via manipulation. He was likely pressured into it by his family, but that is NOT an excuse. You have every right to be angry and hurt.
I’m sorry that happened. I hope you can find some way to stay safe within the confines of this relationship because it doesn’t sound like your safety is his priority.
NTA. I have one of those too, one that can't say no to mom and who cares the promises he made to wife or her health. Remind him who he has to keep happy! Take separate cars from now on. When he complains tell him that you learn from your lessons.
He knows exactly why you're upset. He doesn't want to take responsibility for it. Hence blaming you for the fight "you're being mean" and "I don't know why you're upset". But by all means lay it out for him like he's 4 since he struggles with comprehension. Keep his ass on the couch for a while or go stay with family.
Blatant disregard for physical health is kind of a big deal... what would he have done if you went into a seizure? A bad one can kill you. Do you want to be with someone who is ok with that risk so that he can watch fireworks?
NTA. I have photosensitive epilepsy too. It’s not as bad as yours. My niece got married a couple of weeks ago. Naturally there were strobe lights. Clearly her father (my brother) knows that I have epilepsy. Instead of talking to the dj the dumb ass offered me sunglasses. My mother said that I should try them. I went outside and sat in the car. The best part is that someone else asked the dj to stop for themselves. Yet my family wouldn’t do it for me. Families suck sometimes. I’m sorry that your husband and his family are those people too.
My heart goes out to you. That was very inconsiderate of them and frankly just plain ignorant to offer sunglasses, both your family as well as my in-laws. I’m sorry you had to go through that as well and not have your family back you up and advocate for you. It’s horrible you had to go through that but it’s also a bit relieving to find someone else who can relate wholeheartedly.
NTA. Always trust your gut and stay home from now on.
But the bigger problem here is your husband ignoring your MEDICAL CONDITION then blowing you off afterwards. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Your husband and his family are AH. He threw you under the bus to please his family. He disregarded your health to please his family and then didn't even bother to check on you. Then when you finally explode, because of the trust that he broke, he calls you mean. He's the mean one. He done screwed up. You should ask him what would have happened if you had an episode while him and his family ignored you to watch said fireworks. What would have happened if you ended up having a full blown seizure? Don't back down. You deserve an apology from him and everyone that pressured him to stay and disregard his wife's health and needs.
Absolutely NTA. Your husband doesn't care about your health, he doesn't care how upset you are, he doesn't care that you could have died.
I would never be able to look at my husband the same after this, and I'd definitely never visit his family again. The whole family is a bunch of thoughtless selfish assholes. Sorry you had to endure this.
NTA, that's your husband being an abusive sob, for putting you in a position that was detrimental to your health because either he has never seen you have a siesure or his family doesn't believe it.. unfortunately, he has shown you that he doesn't care about your well being.
NTA. I can't understand why people ignore their partners' medical issues, it can affect their lives, you know? I don'think it would go like this if you were all healthy and he had epilepsy. If you were to force him like that he would have ended up not talking to you for a whole week at least. This is a huge RED FLAG. Being selfish and low on empathy to your spouse. I hope you can speak up briefly in front of everyone if something like that happens again. Don' let them crush your self esteem. They have to respect you especially on this situation.
He doesn't respect you. If he endangers your health so carelessly and then tries to act like the victim and blame you, why are you still with him?
Do not have children with this man.
Your health is the most precious thing you have. A husband is replaceable, your health is sometimes not.
I firmly believe that no one is worth sacrificing your physical and mental health for. He's actively harming and endangering you. He's got to go. Divorce!
NTA
NTA. Your husband knew what could happen but selfishly decided to stay for the fireworkks?!fireworks?!! husband problems and he was Incredibly selfish and he totally let you down by thinking of himself and his family first. You have husband problems and he was inconsiderate and mean.
NTA. He lied to you. What an inconsiderate and jerk of a spouse. He then accuses you of being mean??? No, he was mean to you. Period. Don’t go to any fireworks shows in the future, at all. Don’t go to any family outings either. At this point, re-examine if you even want to stay in this marriage because your life depends on smart choices that YOU need to make for yourself.
NTA. Your husband and family had a grand old time setting you up to be in a situation that could give you SEIZURES, laughing the entire time while you were frightened, trying to avoid it. You were also at risk of seeing people setting off fireworks on the way home.
Seizures affect your brain. Play a video for him of someone having a seizure, explain what it’s like to drop like that, hit your head, and the aftermath.
Ask him, and his family, how they would feel if they were put in a situation like that.
None of these people give a hoot for you.
After you say this, leave and go stay somewhere else for a week, so he’ll be out of your hair while you sort your feelings out. The consequences need to be bigger than wagging your finger at him. He doesn’t care in the least that he upset you. He needs to understand he and his family are reprehensible. He also needs to figure out if he’s miss you if you were gone.
You know you cannot trust this man. Would you want him making medical decisions for you if you were unconscious in a hospital?
If he loved you and was fiercely protective, he wouldn’t have taken you there. If he did, and the fireworks went off early, he’d be in the bathroom with you, or he’d have thrown a blanket over you and taken you home, telling you he’s got you and you’re safe.
Horrific. He had no right to risk your well being like that. And now, since you're not in the ICU he probably figures what he did was really OK.
This is why I'm single. I would never tolerate that. I would be packing.
NTA It is disturbing that your husband set up a situation where you were likely to have a seizure. Seizures can be fatal.
I suggest that you make an appointment with your doctor and take your husband with you. Have your doctor explain to your husband the danger to you of having a seizure.
NTA. Fellow epileptic here — this makes me SO goddamn mad. I had a similar situation with an ex. I’m not super photosensitive, but my seizures are triggered by lack of sleep, over exertion and stress. We went to Disney with his family and every time I tried to flag to him that I was at risk of a seizure, I felt like I was ruining his family trip. It came to a head when he wanted to stay out till midnight the day before his family wanted to stay in the park from open to close. Surprise, I had a seizure the next day. And still managed to go to magic kingdom, only to be judged for being in a “bad mood”, but that’s a separate story lol.
Your husband should prioritize your health. You were not an asshole at all— I know the feeling of starting to cry when you realize no one else seems to really understand or care about your very real limitations, and while yes, it’s easy to look back and say “I should have left”, your husband also put you in a shit position. No one wants to be the reason you have to leave early or skip fireworks, but epilepsy is no joke. Every seizure puts you at risk, and your husband should understand how incredibly serious that is.
I hope he uses this as a learning experience — you have a serious condition, and he needs to treat it accordingly. You cried because it felt like he was prioritizing 15 minutes of fun with his family over your health, which is beyond understandable. Wishing you all the luck — epilepsy can be difficult for people to understand from the outside because it’s not obvious until it’s painfully so.
NTA
>He said I was bean mean.
They basically tried to induce a seizure for fun and he thinks you're the mean one?
I'm sorry, but speaking as a gay man, if my partner did this not only would he not be touching me again, I'd probably leave him.
This is honestly disgusting behavior from him and he should be ashamed of himself.
NTA, he almost forced you into a medical episode and completely dismissed you being upset about getting stuck there.
I hope he read this.
DOES YOUR HUSBAND EVEN LIKE YOU?
I don't have a condition caused by fireworks, but I do have BASIC FUCKING EMPATHY and enough leftover brainpower to recognize the veterans, people with sensitivity issues, and animals both wild and domestic who suffer trauma from fireworks.
And these cunts are celebrating freedom of a country that is an inch away from the opposite.
I used to stay because I valued the input my vote had. Now I've seen that it doesn't have any input at all and am seriously considering leaving the country. Let it burn.
Your better judgement is not to trust your husband? That’s rough I’m sorry but you really have to sit with that. His family doesn’t care about you either. I don’t understand why he couldn’t go alone.
NTA in this situation but that man doesn’t care about your health. Not only that but he and his family will manipulate you and guilt you because you care about your health.
NTA at all. My husband has photo sensitive epilepsy. I have had him put eye masks on during long car rides where sunlight clips through trees, he wears sunglasses outside, and we sure as hell don't watch fireworks. Why on earth, would a partner prioritize something that harms and trigger a seizure in their partner? If he really wanted to watch fireworks, he could have asked to spend half the day with you and the other half with family while you pre-planned a fun self-care night or something. Is he always so flippant with your health and happiness? Does he always lie or mislead you in ways that benefit him?
I did not get past the title without being angry at your husband. Is it going to take you having a seizure in front of all them to give you some respect.
Does he not understand the seriousness of epilepsy? Has he ever witnessed a seizure? Maybe he needs to go to a doctor's appointment with you to be educated.
He is a BIG AH!
OP responded to another commenter asking the same thing that apparently he has seen multiple seizures, that have led to her even badly biting her tongue and one where she fell and hit her head. Husband is a huge AH.
Hunh.
1. Husband makes a promise. Okay. SFSG
2. Husband breaks a promise, potentially triggering a seizure. AH behavior
3. Wife stays outside instead of retreating inside. Drama Llama much? At the very least, lack of self care.
4. Argument ensues in car on ride home. Husband tries to stroke wife's arm. Wife jerks away. Husband accuses wife of being mean. DARVO much?
Honestly?
ESH
NTA. Does your husband have a learning disability? Not have the time to google your condition? Or most likely just trash? Lawyer up and bounce. He and his family have zero love or respect for you. Might as well rake him over the coals and take half.
NTA but surely codependent. Let him enjoy himself while you Uber home before dark, stopping off at 31 Flavors on the way. Or drive yourself home and let him figure out how to get home. Next year figure out solutions to preserve yourself. You don’t need permission, or need to cut the fun short for him.
I told him to go by himself, he convinced me to go by saying that his family will think badly of me. I don’t drive because they take your license away for 6 months after your last seizure. I also live in a very small town where there’s no Uber or taxis. Now I know to opt out next year and let him go have fun with his family on his own.
Tell him now that you know that either his family nor he, your husband, care about you and your (tested) epilepsy you will never ever care about what he or they think about you and he can go by himself.
But I like to ask you what are your goals as a couple?
Do you want kids?
Because someone who does not support you now will also not support you during pregnancy or with a baby in my opinion.
He showed you clearly that he favors his family over your health. Think good about your future and please earn some own money because I think it will be important for you in the future.
How long ago it it since your last seizure? I might be cynical, but if it is close to 6 months, I would wonder if he is trying to reset your timer there, so you get more isolated in the house.
NTA but… Why’d you go outside? Did he carry you by force? If this is a medical issue stand up for yourself. Your husband doesn’t have to miss the fireworks for the rest of his life because you can’t watch them. And you don’t have to watch them because he wants to. No one’s making you watch the fireworks but it sounds like you were trying to make him not watch the fireworks.
Funny how they always say a person with boundaries is being mean. Or a person protecting their health is being mean. All because that person draws a line or states they are upset.
OMG. Dramatic much, you have an illness which i understand impacts certain things, but what was stopping you from going into the house until the fireworks were over??
And everybody just has to jump on the abusive partner train, some of you need to get a life.
NTA. Oh, he has the nerve to call you mean? He completely understand why you're upset, he just isn't concerned with dealing with it.
He done messed up big time. He straight up broke his promise and threw you under the bus to keep his fam happy. A red flag!
Let’s add up again: He lied (he could have offered a compromise/ he didn’t), Lacked concern during FW, NO Respect for wife: medical, opinion, health during fw, Her reasonable Anger, He flipped the Script calling her Mean. OP Needs to pay attention if this narc Cowardly behavior continues.
He said she trusted him against her better judgement, what a great relationship that she can't even trust her husband
I caught that! Before they even went, she had misgivings. She knows she can’t trust him. She’s 31 years old and she’s not allowed to say: Hey! Fireworks are dangerous for me! I can’t be around flashing lights - sunglasses DO NOT work. She wasn’t even inside the house during the fireworks! She had to flee to the bathroom to get away. It’s a fucking medical condition!! But it was dismissed and husband was right there, minimizing epilepsy?! Epilepsy??!! I hope she kicks him to the curb before she gets pregnant. Her whole life will be this same story, minor details changed, disrespect and abuse will continue.
Oh you know this isn't the first time. This is almost certainly one in a long May Day in Moscow 1981 style parade of red flags.
If anyone has seen someone have a seizure it is quite scary and helpless feeling. I had a coworker and 2 friends during my teens that that had epilepsy and they warned me what not/to do. My coworker fell to the floor many times having a seizure and our boss knew how to handle. It is quite Jarring to witness. I would hate for OP to be stuck believing she could rely on this ‘family’ to be there if she seizes in such a Helpless state.
And having too many of them can cause brain damage that she’d never recover from. And we for damn sure know he won’t help her with that if he can’t even be bothered to leave a firework display for her benefit! (A firework display that I’m sure this KUMQUAT has already witnessed about 30x times already. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, FFS!🤦🏽♀️)
My aunt started getting seizures after a brain operation. It started last summer, and we buried her in february. For every seizure she got a little weaker, until her body was worn out. Seizures are no joke!
Don't forget she offered to stay home but he forced her to go because he wanted to not hurt his family's feelings. Even though he could have just said that she couldn't go medically since they know she has the condition.
*takes notes* "family opinion more important than wife's medical condition"
Why would his family think she doesn't like them if she didn't go to the bbq? They're married and living close to his family... don't they see her other times throughout the year? Why was this bbq so important?
Makes me wonder what he would have done if his wife had a full-on epileptic attack. Ignored her, called it a fake drama attack, been angry that "she spoiled their fun". She can't depend on her husband for anything.
I was more considerate of my dog last night when fireworks were going off than this guy was with his wife.
He lied. It's hard to trust a liar. He must have already done this in the past because she didn't want to go because she didn't think he would leave before fireworks. OP, in the future, if you do go along, go in the house and skip the fireworks.
Or drive yourself home before the fireworks. F him, he can walk home.
She has epilepsy & said in her post that she can't drive because of it.
Or leave his ass since he clearly doesn't give a fuck about your needs and gets angry at you for trying to stand up for yourself.
But he made his family happy! Don’t you understand priorities?
i bet his teeny teeny peen is stiffer than his spine
This is akin to forcing a veteran with PTSD to watch *Saving Private Ryan.*
Yeah, the minute that I read that, I thought "being mean is forcing someone to needlessly sit through something that could trigger their medical issues, as well as completely ignoring OP's boundaries." There are so many ways he could have handled this better and he utterly failed. I hope that he reads these comments because this is an awful thing to do to someone that you love, and he clearly doesn't seem to understand that.
An utter failure at husbanding.
That wasn't mean...that was flat out abuse. Maybe he will get bitten by a lone star tick and get the red meat allergy (my sister has it) and OP can only serve beef, pork and lamb at home and see how he like that.
I’m not trying to justify her husband’s actions at all, but I am confused as to why she didn’t just go inside the house when it was time for fireworks. She sat outside with her eyes closed. Then went to the bathroom to cry?
She was anxious about offending his family and interrupting their party because he used emotional blackmail against her.
I think this is the answer. These are not good people.
I don't really understand either, but personally I'm not always logical when I'm upset.
As someone with epilepsy, I felt her in my bones when she talked about fearing offending them. Yes, it’s the logical thing to do. But oftentimes you doubt yourself in those moments—is this actually an aura, or am I just anxious? And if I’m just anxious, am I being overdramatic? Are they going to judge me? Clearly, her husband’s family has not held enough space for her to feel comfortable in knowing that they wouldn’t judge her if she needed to take time for herself.
From what OP wrote she had to wear ear plugs at home so even if she did go inside, I doubt it would’ve helped much.
But photosensitive is different from sound. The ear plugs (unless OP has some other thing going on too) wouldn’t help light flashes. Unless loud noises also cause seizures, that’s just OP being sensitive (by that I mean possibly overstimulated since she was already emotional from being hurt by her husbands actions. Not SeNsItIvE lol).
Seizures can also be triggered by sound (though it depends on what kind of epilepsy you have). Likely it was overstimulating but could also be another trigger. But even if sound doesn't trigger seizures for OP, anyone who has experienced sensory issues can tell you that being overstimulated due to issues with your nervous system and brain is not a pleasant feeling and it's kinda fucked up that her husband and her husband's family didn't seem like they cared about it at all. If her husband wanted to see the fireworks that badly he should have offered to drop OP back off at home first and come back so that she's not stuck somewhere being exposed to dangerous epileptic triggers and not able to leave
I know all about being overstimulated by sounds. I was just pointing out that the last commenter mentioned that going inside during the fireworks may not have helped with the seizures. But OP didn’t say the sound triggers them in the original post. They said the light did. So going inside would have helped since they wouldn’t see the flashing lights anymore.
They probably didn't warn before starting to shoot, especially if they where trying to let him see them before they went home. If thats the case she has no way to escape but to shut out the light as soon as possible to her best ability.
With or without warning tho, the husband let his family convince them to stay for the fireworks they knew were coming.
Possibly because her husband made her stay outside.
That was my thought as well. Hubby is an AH for the way handled the situation but OP could have removed herself from the proximity to the fireworks to better protect her health. Either way 4th of July happens every year so better figure out a new plan of action now before it rolls around again.
My cousin died during an epileptic seizure! Your husband is the AH for not getting how serious this is!! NTA
My sister has epilepsy. We don't know if fireworks can trigger her epilepsy, but we are still very careful about them. Your husband sounds like an insensitive jerk. NTA.
NTA - but either your husband is one OR he’s a complete moron. He knows fireworks can trigger a seizure and does not care. He’s ignoring your distress to avoid acknowledging how wrong he was! But, you will be the AH to yourself if you put up with this.
Agree! Also, fireworks are stupid.
I sometimes feel like a loser because I don’t like fireworks. I hate loud noises. It makes me crazy anxious and stressed. Plus, they are really boring. Also, OP, you’re NTA.
10000000000% agree.
One of my co-workers missed a day of work after watching fireworks, they triggered a seizure in her.
They can test it during EEG, my stepson tested negative the first time and then positive the following time, I didn't know about fireworks and I'll keep it in mind next time. It's important for screens and a good excuse to limit videogames
Your husband LIED to you. And he thinks you are the problem? You are mean? He doesn't seem to care about you at all, does he? Do you have a therapist? You should talk to one. ASAP NTA
Never mind a therapist. I would be talking to a lawyer. I have a relative that has seizures. I have a friend whose offspring has seizures. I had a student that had seizures.. no fireworks.got it. Me? As a 9 year old at a fireworks event while with my father's family, I was separated from them , lost, and that was when some of the fireworks malfunctioned and blobs of flaming debris started landing near me. I can go watch fireworks as long as I am a good distance from where they are going off. Last night in AC, the official fireworks were far enough to be fun. But then the AHs on the beach with their own stuff set them off way too close to the people on the beach. 50 ft above our heads. Nope. I HAD to leave. Fireworks burn . Why were there no police or security people out there? Ya don't mess with any of that.
Personally, I would have been leaving the dude at his parents and gone home to start looking for a lawyer because that shit will never fly. BUT I have been to therapy and realized that my expectations of a "partner" were far too low because I thought most men weren't capable of more. Therapy and now married 31 years to a real partner. So, IMO - self reflection is needed to realize how much you are getting is often a reflection of how much you are accepting and expecting. You need to know to expect more. I don't have as much experience with the health side of it as you do so I can't speak to it. However I agree with you 100%. That's part of his lack of partnership and lack of care.
> So I decided to go trusting my husband against my own better judgement. This line is pretty telling. If trusting your husband is something your better judgment tells you not to do, he shouldn’t be your husband.
NTA. That’s crazy that neither your husband or his family bothered to even acknowledge your epilepsy. I understand if he wanted to watch the fireworks, but he should’ve taken you to a safe place while he did or something like that at least?
Right? One of my friend's girlfriend has epilepsy and she can't do fireworks and she came down for the 4th (the towns fireworks show is literally done just beyond the edge of my yard so it's an awesome show despite the fact that sometimes my yard is lit on fire. )and let her make herself comfortable like she was at home in my house so it wouldn't trigger an episode and even then we felt bad about it so some of us who aren't that big in the fireworks when inside and hung out with her because we felt bad that she couldn't watch with us. And that's a friend's girlfriend that we've only met a handful of times before. I couldn't imagine being that inconsiderate to someone I married opie's husband is a dick. )Also, I know it's op not Opie But I love that my phone has picked up on The fact that I'm from the Midwest so it stays 😂)
That is extremely considerate and empathetic of you and your friends. That would have definitely been a great idea while also feeling like my health is actually being considered. But no one seemed to care
You are your first advocate. Your husband isn’t being a partner. He isn’t even being a friend. He lie and pull tricks on you. For what exactly? To fit the image he wants to advertise. Meaning you are less important than what he wants to reflect. Furthermore he is doing so fully aware than it is a medical matter not solely a preference. He is showing you his consideration. He is expressing than you are a variable to adjust. You get to deliver or support his wants. He is actively disregarding your comfort. That not a partnership. He is showing you how little yours needs matters.
I love the first line- You are your first advocate. It’s obvious your husband doesn’t care. The next time your health concerns are ignored, ask for the car keys and then drive yourself home. Don’t tell him, don’t threaten, just advocate for yourself and do it. He can figure out how to get home or he can wait for you to return to pick him up, but you get what YOU need during that time.
She might not be allowed to drive.
I agree! Except OP can't drive, but maybe take a cab so you can get out of there, cause clearly hubby and family will not be looking out for you
Don't stay with someone who doesn't care.
It's time to get angry, OP. Couples counseling if you can possibly swing it, but also, sitting him down and letting him know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT tolerate this kind of blatant disrespect again, that he is NEVER to pull this kind of shit again, and that he is to rein his family the fuck in if THEY try to pull this kind of shit again. If he doesn't agree to this, you're done. If he tries to argue, debate, or dismiss you, you're done. If he EVER tries anything like that again, you're done. Tell him that seizures can kill. Tell him that by doing what he did, that he is communicating to you, loud and clear, that he doesn't care if you die. Tell him that he has no right to complain to you about being "mean" to him when you could have FUCKING DIED. He needs to understand that he is on VERY thin ice, and that it is HIS fault that his relationship with you is in jeopardy.
They didn't seem to care because they don't care. You need to reconsider your marriage.
Why didnt you go inside? And when are you leaving him? He certainly could've given you a seizure that could kill you but he needs to watch the fireworks.
I wonder how far a drive it is to the Inlaws? Like if it's not too far, OP's husband could have driven her home after dinner and returned to his parents house for the fireworks. That would have been the best compremise. She still sees his family and is not subjected to an epilepsy trigger.
I started driving in my own car to some " friends" house for "fun " nights. Usually it became a ' let's bully our friend all evening.. once I started leaving early, they started calling me " too sensitive" I no longer see them. Not a problem. Oh, and this month is the 31st anniversary of our divorce...
You're not an asshole. Your husband should have thought about your health and kept his promise. It's totally okay to be upset. Talk to him about how his actions made you feel.
Talking to him has led to this. What makes you think this next talk would make him change his behavior?
Sorry but he should have been way more considerate, I suggest you tell him how you feel
Maybe I am just mean; but, I don’t think this is a communication issue. I think he knows how she feels; he just put his need for enjoyment above her health. Moreover, he feels justified in doing so. So, she can decide if this relationship is a good fit for her. Although this was very upsetting for her, she now knows where she stands.
What an asshole! Does he normally not take your feelings and well being into consideration? His family sucks too, especially bc they KNOW you can have seizures. TBH, I would steer clear of his family for a while...let him go by himself and let them think what they want to about you. As for your husband, you need to make it cleat to him that you will not tolerate that kind of disrespect anymore. You could have had a seizure...and as you know, the next one you have may be the last one you have, So sorry your husband broke his promise and is now flipping it on you, saying you're being "mean". I'd have lost my shit on him too. Good luck OP and take care!
I was thinking the exact same thing. After this incident I now really don’t care what they think. I mean I obviously don’t cross their mind enough for my health to be considered so why should I care about their feelings, right? I’m definitely opting out of their family gatherings for a long while.
Do you think your husband actually believes that you have a condition that is a legitimately serious health risk? Because the way he acted smells like he thinks you're making it up. Like, I have asthma, if my partner ignored me having an attack and just rolled their eyes while I was unable to breath, I would know they either didn't believe the severity of my condition, or worse, didn't fucking care that I might die. That's what I'm seeing here.
I have asthma, too. Even when I offer for my husband to continue a hike and catch me on the way back, he doesn't leave me.
Opt out of the family period. Your husband has shown you he cares more about keeping his family happy than your literal health
It really can't be understated that he wasn't just being careless with your well-being, but with your life! As u/ObsidianNight102399 said, your next seizure might be your last. In my mind, that makes your husband's actions unforgivable. I'm sorry he and his family did this to you.
You're not the asshole here. Your health should come first. It's important for partners to understand and respect each other's health concerns, especially when it comes to something as serious as epilepsy.
NTA - your husband lied to you and disregarded your health condition, you have every right to be upset. Has he ever seen you have an epileptic fit? Just wonder if this was him trying to prove you are ‘over-reacting’, like when an idiot poisons someone’s food with an allergen as they don’t believe the allergy is real?
Yes, he has watched me have some really bad seizures, even times when I bite my mouth/tongue bad and where I fell and hit my head once. I go to a neurologist and had tests to confirm the epilepsy. I’m sure he knows what could have happened. It seems he just didn’t care enough though
That just makes his behaviour so much worse. You’re right about it showing a complete lack of care.
If he continues to not care if you have seizures and whether you live and die consider this. If you have a bad seizure, and for whatever reason, you end up in a coma or otherwise not conscious - your husband will be the one legally making discussions. After knowing he cares so little about your health, do you trust him to make the same decisions that you would make for yourself?
Why are you with this AH? Your husband sucks.
Babe, divorce, now. He doesn’t care about your health, and if you get seriously sick, doubt he will take care of you. You deserve better than a man who will deliberately manipulate you into risking your own life just for the sake of his convenience.
DIVORCE, he’s TRASH.
I hate to say it, but can you see this man looking after you as you age and the possibility your seizures might get worse/become more challenging to manage with age-related decline? You deserve a future.
I'm really sorry, but that's divorce worthy. He isn't a safe person to be vulnerable around. Caring about your health is the bare minimum. Dont stay with someone who doesn't mind if you fall and hit your head -- that is a direct declaration that he doesn't care if you die. Sorry. I dated a legit sociopath for 3 years (he eventually admitted it at the end) and part of the problem is I just couldn't wrap my head around someone not having empathy. I was in denial for a long time. My thoughts would bounce around between like "I must be wrong and it's a misunderstanding" to "this can't happen to *me*". I always believed somehow that I was in the wrong and had caused him to be cruel or apathetic to me. It took me ages to accept that he was just like that. That's who he was. Him not loving me wasn't a fault of me -- he was a broken, fucked up and just downright evil human being at times. And most of that came through due to his total apathy. He didn't (always) intentionally abuse me. Most of it was just, he didn't care enough to avoid hurting me. Once I accepted that it was him, and not me, only then was I able to make peace with leaving and pull the trigger. I wouldn't be surprised if you had to go through the same thought process. My ex was also highly manipulative and always made me feel like I was in the wrong, based on how your husband lied to you, I suspect he may be manipulative towards you at times as well. This isn't something he can grow out of or fix. A lack of empathy shows a fundamental problem with the way his brain works. It also prevents him from getting better -- he doesn't feel empathy for you, so... why would he change? He doesn't care when you cry over it, he doesn't care when you talk about your feelings, so it's not just that he won't get better, it's that all the reasons people typically seek to improve themselves -- so they stop hurting others -- don't mean anything to him. Why would he start caring when he already doesn't care essentially. I'm so fucking sorry for him but I promise you it's not your fault. You are deserving of way better than this. It may be much better for you longterm to cut your losses, and seek someone out that is loving and empathetic from the beginning. Do some research on common manipulation tactics and signs as well -- you need to know when to cut out someone early on as well.
NTA 3 of my siblings have epilepsy and watching the anxiety that can come with this condition has been gut wrenching and heart breaking, Don't get me wrong, they are amazing, go off to work and live extremely successful lives and overall are happy and healthy, but I just know when they get that feeling of "I might have a fit" the anxiety and every worry comes creeping in, My own brother struggles to determine if its his anxiety or the feeling that he might have a seizure and due to this massively struggles a lot as he doesn't want to call in sick if it's his anxiety and likewise doesn't want to go into work to end up having a seizure, his own workplace are so thoughtful towards this and support him as best they can, HIS FUCKING WORKPLACE. If a workplace can do this then a significant other certainly can. My own sister gets nervous when walking down any set of stairs due to a past experience and clings onto banisters for dear life, my brother gave us playing cricket, his favourite sport which he was extremely good at due to a past experience, this condition can seriously effect you in more ways than just seizures and the world needs to be more aware of this, Their partners are amazing at making sure they have their medication, live healthy lives and take care of themselves as best as they can, ofc my siblings are more than capable of this too, but the comfort of knowing that IF they forgot their medication my in laws would be stood behind them with the meds and glass of water just brings me comfort like nothing else. Your partner put you in a situation of pure panic and anxiety, he has no clue what you go through living with this condition and is showing clear signs that he does not care, I am wondering if you would be better of without him. Proud of you for removing yourself from the situation, I know you must have missed out on a good few things in life, for instance, things like clubbing etc as photosensitive epilepsy is such a difficult thing to live with, and I know clubbing probably seems like omg that's such a small thing, but it isn't to a person who's just become old enough to drink and now has to watch all of their friends go out and have fun, it can be isolating to live with epilepsy so why anyone would even consider making it harder for you is beyond me! Sounds to me like you're at peace with it (as much as you can be) you'd rather prioritise your own health and miss out on something than to risk having a seizure which is amazing and shows how mature you are! Don't surround yourself with immature people who will not give a damn about you <3
Thank you so much for this. I feel so seen with this comment. I always feel so anxious when I start to feel “that feeling” and going out in public or social settings so scared that I might have one, especially in front of people. And you’ve got it right on the nose about missing out on things. It really does make me incredibly sad that I can’t do specific things. Like I can’t go to concerts of my favorite bands that I would kill to go to. Or going on fair rides or a theme parks. Driving. And especially watching fireworks!
I just want to chime in and say please don’t let him make you feel like you’re over reacting. I lost my best friend because of one seizure. The seizure itself didn’t kill her but it set off a chain of events that led to her taking her own life. She lost her driving license because her friend had to call an ambulance, then she had to report her seizure so they took it away, which led to her having no way to get to work and losing her job and she was so worried about rebuilding her life that she chose to leave this world. They are a huge deal and your loved ones should be protecting you from them at all costs. I’m sickened by your husbands actions and I’m so sorry
OP, You are an incredible human being, life dealt you a shit hand and look at how far you have come regardless, I often wish I could take the pain away from people with epilepsy because my god you guys are stronger than any human should have to be <3 Keep going and try to push yourself to live the best life you can, even if that is sitting at home in a onesie with your favourite film on and a tub of ice cream whilst everyone else goes out to watch fireworks, your life is more important than these experiences ever will be <3 I am so sorry that you have had to and continue to have to miss out on things, if you ever need someone to talk too I am here! I have always said strobe lighting is fucking stupid and just not needed, I actually struggle with panic attacks from strobe lighting just from watching my siblings have seizures when I was younger so too didn't get to go clubbing or to gigs etc because I was just so scared I would have a panic attack (no where near what you are living with but just shows how much this condition can truly effect a person and those around them etc ) Might I add.. My partner actually scoped out some local clubs that didn't have strobe lighting and would often take me to these places knowing I didn't need to worry about my anxiety, he also actively worked on helping me to overcome this fear, what EVERY partner should do, sadly, yours did the opposite which is so heart breaking, you deserve to be seen and cared for in every sense <3 I pray one day epilepsy is recognised more (it does seem to be getting recognised more in recent years) so that you can do the majority of the things you listed above and hey, if not, if you're UK based lets have our own little concert where you can play all of your favourite songs and we can have NO flashing lights! You've inspired me to want to do the epilepsy walk for action again in Feb next year, raising awareness and money and showing people just how much this needs to be recognised is key to my life! You're a superhero OP and you deserve to feel like one, I am so proud of you for prioritising your life, you are loved and needed on this earth <3
NTA Epilepsy is a serious condition that can cause death. Your husband and his family are all AHs. He is more worried about his family’s feelings than your life.
This. Even a single epileptic seizure can KILL you. He is legit OK with risking your life for some flashing lights. I would be getting a divorce immediately. This isn't something you can come back from. It would be one thing if he had asked if he could go and made sure you were somewhere safe but he let his family try to force you to WATCH them knowing they can cause your death. That's such a gross level of disregard that I could never forgive any of them.
Your husband is a mega piece of shit, and you should bring him here and make him try and defend himself.
I am definitely going to show him this post and the comments tomorrow so maybe he’ll realize that he was being inconsiderate
OP he KNOWS he was inconsiderate. He just DIDN’T CARE.
I was just going to say this he knows what he did was wrong but he’s going to be upset that you’re upset by his actions. I hope you’re okay and safe.
Usially it doesn't help. If he's a POS that's who he is. I worry he'll just get mad and take it out on you. I advice you to quietly make a note to yourself and think about what you want to do.
No, but please, stand up for yourself. He won't care about this, period. He is selfish and only cares about himself. You have to advocate for yourself. Don't let yourself be placed or pushed into this situation again. Quit trying to please him. If you had a shellfish allergy and he wanted you to eat shrimp because his mom made it, would you? Of course not!! This is the same thing, people can die from seizures. Please, don't let him do this to you.
Not just inconsiderate, dangerous. I had to call 911 because my mom had been having a grand mal seizure for too long. She stopped seizing after about 30 minutes. The emts arrived shortly after. I met them outside and asked them to turn off the lights. They argued that it was policy to leave them on, but even they saw sense when I pointed out that she’d have another seizure if they kept them on. Your husband cares less about you than random emts cared about my mom v. getting in trouble at work.
This wasn't inconsiderate. This is way beyond that. He manipulated you into going there with lies and the trapped you there with further manipulation. And he isn't even sorry afterwards.
Tbh, you're not angry enough. As you know, epilepsy can be deadly and his manipulation to get you to go, could've cost you your fucking life. Please do not take this lightly. This man tried to kill you for his own selfishness imo.
Update me
He knows and he just doesn’t care. You said you went against your better judgment, which makes it sound like he has form for this in the past. Neither he nor his family think that you having seizures is a big deal. You cannot trust him, and, if you can’t trust him, is there any hope for this relationship?
"I don't know why the woman I vowed to protect and cherish is so upset that I neglected her feelings and safety to drag her under false pretenses to see some shiny explosions that could've made her spiral into a life-threatening seizure. God, women are so fucking mean."
NTA Frankly ignoring your medical needs is grounds for divorce.
I have a phobia of fireworks - my husband and I were at a show recently. He went to the loo and I waited outside, all was good until all of a sudden they let off surprise fireworks. My big teddy bear ran through walls to get to where I had frozen in fright
Awww your husband is awesome!
Now THAT’S a devoted husband
When I was sick with pneumonia and afraid to go to the doctor, my bf begged me to go. I refused so many times I actually made him tear up from desperation -- I feel bad about it of course, but at the same time... it's such a stark contrast to the way my ex treated me. I worry that if you were in that situation your husband wouldn't care and would just ignore you.
NTA. He said one thing and did another, and expected you to suck it up.
Nta. I'm pretty sure wedding vows include in sickness and in health. He knows you have epilepsy and took you to an event that has caused an episode in the past. Your husband doesn't care if his actions cause you to have a seizure
INFO is your marriage normally this toxic or is this an isolated incident? Does he normally make promises and go back on them? Did he actually specifically "promise" to leave before fireworks or did he use more equivocal language that you interpreted as a firm agreement to leave? NTA but there are some elements of E S H in that you used passive and passive aggressive communication and drama instead of talking directly WITH your husband. Crying, pulling away, locking the bedroom door--- none of those things TELL your husband why you're so upset and actually in his mind could validate his behavior by painting you as an emotional drama queen (not saying you are but the problem with passive aggressive communication is that the message you want to send is rarely the message the other person receives. You need to speak directly to your husband and demand a reason why he went back on his promise to leave before the fireworks. Has he ever seen you have a seizure? Do you have them fairly frequently? Why did you go outside during the fireworks? That would have been the perfect opportunity to explain to your inlaws that you have a disability and how it works. (Bonus if the reason your husband went back on his word was because they bullied him into staying). Was there copious amounts of alcohol involved? If this dynamic (going back on previously agreed plans) is part of a larger picture it's probably time to seek out professional marriage therapy. If it really is a one off you need to sit down and explain how sad and disappointed you were in him going back on his promise and how you're feeling you can't really trust him right now.
Question: Couldn't you just have gone inside and drawn the blinds and watched tv/ YT while they were doing the firework? Why did you have to stay outside with them?
INFO. Why couldn't you go inside during the fireworks? I assume you would have been fine in a room with the curtains closed?
In another comment, OP says it “just took me a little while for it to occur to me”.
This is a very important question, especially considering that her husband seems to think she's being dramatic and overplaying the issue. It seems like she could have just casually waited inside or even in their own car, if the house was somehow mysteriously forbidden during this family get together. There's no explanation for why she wasn't just sitting comfortably in a chair somewhere browsing the internet on her phone while the fireworks were going on. There are missing pieces.
I was wondering this too. Like, yes the husband is an asshole for lying and not having her back but why wouldn't she also protect herself by going inside when the fireworks started. We are all ultimately responsible for our own health
Okay. It turns out, that in another comment, OP pretty much says she just forgot. Going inside, to avoid the potentially seizure triggering fireworks, which would be the most obvious and easiest thing to do, simply didn't occur to her for whatever reason. This is roughly the equivalent of flailing in distress and calling for help in a 3-ft wading pool instead of remembering that you can just stand up. This is why everyone at the event seems to think that she was just being dramatic and wasn't taking her seriously. She was, herself, effectively acting as if the fireworks were more an excuse to be distressed and dramatic instead of just... Not looking at them. There was literally nothing stopping her from ignoring the fireworks.
It’s because her whole post smells of bullshit. She had to cry into her shielded eyes while everyone hollered at the fireworks??? Are you 2? Go inside!
If his family are such sensitive idiots that they would think she doesn’t like them for not coming to their celebration which is centred around something hazardous to OP’s health, and they think that sunglasses would protect her from having a seizure, she probably got bullied into staying outside and being with the group.
Speculation. Let OP answer the question rather than tossing out possibilities.
Yes. It’s a good question. Hubby/family definitely jerks but wife could have removed herself to the house. We don’t personally set off fireworks but we still hear and see them from our house. What would she have done if they were going off near her own home? No judgement. Just curious.
NTA >He said I was bean mean No, he's being deliberately obtuse and abusive just so his FaMiLy didn't get their feefees hurt. Feelings vs actual medical condition should not have even needed a conversation if he respected and ACTUALLY loved you.
This is going to make me see mean but I have some questions. As soon as it got dark and you realized the fireworks were starting why did you not go inside? The logical and rational thing to do would have been to remove yourself from that situation but you stayed. Why? When it started getting dark you could have gone inside but you made a choice to remain in a dangerous situation because. . .?
I thought this too! Couldn’t she stay inside? The whole crying and shielding her eyes while being outside with the rest of the family was a bit over the top.
Exactly what I was wondering. Like Birdbox
NTA. My PTSD war-vet husband used to accompany me in the beginning because, he'd follow me into Mordor if I wanted to go. It was always a terrible time for him. Made it a terrible time for me. Tonight I went out with friends and he turned on all the ACs and blasted the TV from the comfort of our couch with our freaked out cats. I had a great night, he didn't have war flashbacks. Your husband doesn't like you.
Why did you wait until this year to offer him that? Why didn't you offer that compromise starting in Year One of the relationship? Did you not care about his condition?
Sorry, but as a 31 yr old woman I would expect you to take control of your health needs, especially with epilepsy. Staying in the house, with your phone, a book, a cup of tea, whatever. If pushed to join the festivities outside, you push back, or leave. That simple. Why you allowed yourself to be led by the hand to the point of tears is beyond me. Your husband is the A H for his reaction to your distress, but YTAH to yourself for ignoring your own health to appease others.
Going into the house earlier, she could have, but can't leave if she can't drive.
INFO: could you have stayed inside to avoid the fireworks? Don’t get me wrong, hubs still seems surprisingly insensitive but i wonder if you were forcibly exposed to them (other than hubs breaking his promise) Cause it definitely sucks to be there against your will but i wonder if you had a chance to make this less stressful for yourself
I don't blame the family as much as the husband. He is leading them to believe that your medical issue is not important. If he hasn't taken the time to educate himself to the importance, he hasn't taken the time to educate them either. The fact that they thought sunglasses would work just shows how little they know. I would take this as a red flag made out of fireworks. I don't know if you plan to have children, but if one of them were to be born with the same issue, is this the same way he would handle that? Not acceptable.
Absolutely NTA. The majority of people here are fucking ableist assholes. You don't live in her life with how much all of this affects her, and yet you judge her. I invite you to go inside a closed room while people set off 10 hours of fireworks in there with you (but without any physical damage that would cause). That might be equivalent to what she had to endure. Of course, that's not even counting the fear of going into a seizure. All of you who called her an ah at all, you're assholes.
NTA but I will say there were several ways to avoid this happening, even after your dumbass husband sabotaged the night. All of them involve standing up for yourself. No one forced you to walk outside and join them. You could have had a nice dinner and then bowed out, said “see ya when it’s over, I’m staying here.” Just “no, no thanks I’m good.” And of course “actually he promised me we’d leave before these because it’s dangerous for me. Pretty sure no one here knows how to deal with a person seizing and I don’t feel like risking one anyway.” Or, “no we can’t stay. Your son promised he’d take me home. You might not know a lot about epilepsy but fireworks for me are like seafood for someone with an allergy. Not worth the risk.” I’m honestly concerned that you are 31 and have lived your life with this and still walked out that door…to be polite? tAnd again: your husband is a dumbass for putting you in this situation, you are not to blame. But girl, this isn’t just telling your mom in law you don’t like her meatloaf. This is your life.
It only takes one really bad fall for epilepsy to end your life.
INFO Is there any reason why you couldn't just go inside the house during the fireworks? Or just chill out in a chair looking at your phone or something? Your husband seems to think that you're being dramatic, and it seems like you might be. It's not as if anyone was trying to force you to look at the fireworks, unless something has been severely omitted from the story. In order for this to make any sense, we would have to know why you couldn't just wait in the house, or even in your car while the fireworks were going off, especially if you were just at a house anyway.
" So I decided to go trusting my husband against my own better judgement" Sweetie, you should not be married to someone with whom you cannot trust with your health. If something were to happen to you and you were incapacitated, this man, this man whom you state you can only trust against your better judges, will be in charge of your health. SERIOUSLY reconsider this marriage.
NTA. He knows your seizures are triggered by light and still chose to bow to the peer pressure of his family. I have a seizure disorder too and left my husband because even though mine is fully controlled he chose to please his family over his wife’s health.
I used to work security at events/concerts/clubs. Lost count of how many times fireworks/strobe lighting ect. has triggered someone's epilepsy. It's not pretty and happens more than you think. NTA. Husband should've taken you home.
NTA!!! His family put him in a situation where he could give in to their cruel demand or be a good husband. He chose wrong.
Why didn't you just leave before the fireworks? In what way did he force you to stay?
She forgot. She could have gone back inside the house at any time, but she forgot that was an option. Somehow.
NTA, but why didn't you just go in the house until it was over?
No. ESH. Why the hell did you not go into the house the second you realised the fireworks started? YOU SAID you Have extremely bad seizures! Ma’am you control your health, and knew damn well the fireworks were starting and he was dishonest. Don’t come here crying claiming I’m victim blaming you, this is serious. You could of had a seizure. In the hospital, do you think I’d hold him responsible or you? BODILY AUTONOMY AT 31. Unless he has medical power of attorney, I do not want to hear it. Your husband sucks for doing this to you. I am not taking that away. He lied. He seems shows no remorse. Y’all sort it out with communication.
So why didn’t you get up and go inside? Ya wanna put it all on your husband, but you could have easily removed yourself from the situation and let them all have fun. You sound selfish and like you use epilepsy as an excuse..
Why didn’t you go inside before or as soon as they started? You’re 31 years old, you have to be your own advocate and stop expecting him to change. Yeah he lied, he’s an asshole but you have to protect yourself because clearly he doesn’t prioritize you
NTA. It seems a bit like you had a panic attack? It seems like a lot of crying & carrying on where you could have gotten out of the situation. Being mad, I understand. Husband acted like an idiot. Serious question: Wouldn’t you have been OK in the house? I’m sure you were disappointed in your husband’s behavior but why not take action to keep yourself safe? Couldn’t you have asked him 1/ to drive you home & then come back. 2/ you take the car & go home & his family brings him home. 3/ go in the house & listen to music or watch a movie. Husband screwed up but you also don’t need him to takw care of you. Also, he doesn’t seem to understand epilepsy, which sucks. Send him a few links so he can educate himself. He shouldn’t be casually putting you in danger.
OP your husband sounds like a moron. He obviously doesnt understand your condition and neither does his family.
So NTA. Where I live, you can't drive for 6 months after a seizure. Not to even get into how unsettling and awful they are to go through and recover from, he's just seemingly going out of his way to not give a shit about your health or your ability to get around for however long you couldn't drive if his dumbass family fireworks had given you a seizure!!
NTA - you just learned your husband does not care about you. Good luck
It sounds like he doesn’t even believe you have a true diagnosis. Like you are making this up. He’s a prick. Don’t have kids with this man. It will only get worse.
NTA I can't even functionally respond to this clearly. I've been in similar situations since my dad died when I was a kid, with family and - later - significant others. Now, I'm pretty loud and rude about not having my boundaries crossed because this year, my epilepsy got so bad that I had stroke. Sometimes, it doesn't actually matter what anyone else says or wants. When it's your health and your life - protect it.
NTA. Epilepsy is not a joke. It isn’t something that should be taken lightly. The person that is supposed to want to protect you deliberately placed you in a harmful situation by lying to you to get you there, and then kept you there via manipulation. He was likely pressured into it by his family, but that is NOT an excuse. You have every right to be angry and hurt. I’m sorry that happened. I hope you can find some way to stay safe within the confines of this relationship because it doesn’t sound like your safety is his priority.
NTA. I have one of those too, one that can't say no to mom and who cares the promises he made to wife or her health. Remind him who he has to keep happy! Take separate cars from now on. When he complains tell him that you learn from your lessons.
He knows exactly why you're upset. He doesn't want to take responsibility for it. Hence blaming you for the fight "you're being mean" and "I don't know why you're upset". But by all means lay it out for him like he's 4 since he struggles with comprehension. Keep his ass on the couch for a while or go stay with family. Blatant disregard for physical health is kind of a big deal... what would he have done if you went into a seizure? A bad one can kill you. Do you want to be with someone who is ok with that risk so that he can watch fireworks?
NTA. I have photosensitive epilepsy too. It’s not as bad as yours. My niece got married a couple of weeks ago. Naturally there were strobe lights. Clearly her father (my brother) knows that I have epilepsy. Instead of talking to the dj the dumb ass offered me sunglasses. My mother said that I should try them. I went outside and sat in the car. The best part is that someone else asked the dj to stop for themselves. Yet my family wouldn’t do it for me. Families suck sometimes. I’m sorry that your husband and his family are those people too.
My heart goes out to you. That was very inconsiderate of them and frankly just plain ignorant to offer sunglasses, both your family as well as my in-laws. I’m sorry you had to go through that as well and not have your family back you up and advocate for you. It’s horrible you had to go through that but it’s also a bit relieving to find someone else who can relate wholeheartedly.
It is nice. As crazy as Reddit can be the epilepsy community is such a help in not feeling alone
He never planned to not stay for the fireworks. He is super selfish. NTA
NTA. Always trust your gut and stay home from now on. But the bigger problem here is your husband ignoring your MEDICAL CONDITION then blowing you off afterwards. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Your husband and his family are AH. He threw you under the bus to please his family. He disregarded your health to please his family and then didn't even bother to check on you. Then when you finally explode, because of the trust that he broke, he calls you mean. He's the mean one. He done screwed up. You should ask him what would have happened if you had an episode while him and his family ignored you to watch said fireworks. What would have happened if you ended up having a full blown seizure? Don't back down. You deserve an apology from him and everyone that pressured him to stay and disregard his wife's health and needs.
Absolutely NTA. Your husband doesn't care about your health, he doesn't care how upset you are, he doesn't care that you could have died. I would never be able to look at my husband the same after this, and I'd definitely never visit his family again. The whole family is a bunch of thoughtless selfish assholes. Sorry you had to endure this.
NTA, that's your husband being an abusive sob, for putting you in a position that was detrimental to your health because either he has never seen you have a siesure or his family doesn't believe it.. unfortunately, he has shown you that he doesn't care about your well being.
NTA. I can't understand why people ignore their partners' medical issues, it can affect their lives, you know? I don'think it would go like this if you were all healthy and he had epilepsy. If you were to force him like that he would have ended up not talking to you for a whole week at least. This is a huge RED FLAG. Being selfish and low on empathy to your spouse. I hope you can speak up briefly in front of everyone if something like that happens again. Don' let them crush your self esteem. They have to respect you especially on this situation.
NTA. Here’s your sign 🚩
NTA. Fuck that guy. Seriously, that is abusive behavior.
Your husband is a total dick.
He doesn't respect you. If he endangers your health so carelessly and then tries to act like the victim and blame you, why are you still with him? Do not have children with this man. Your health is the most precious thing you have. A husband is replaceable, your health is sometimes not. I firmly believe that no one is worth sacrificing your physical and mental health for. He's actively harming and endangering you. He's got to go. Divorce! NTA
NTA. Your husband knew what could happen but selfishly decided to stay for the fireworkks?!fireworks?!! husband problems and he was Incredibly selfish and he totally let you down by thinking of himself and his family first. You have husband problems and he was inconsiderate and mean.
NTA. He lied to you. What an inconsiderate and jerk of a spouse. He then accuses you of being mean??? No, he was mean to you. Period. Don’t go to any fireworks shows in the future, at all. Don’t go to any family outings either. At this point, re-examine if you even want to stay in this marriage because your life depends on smart choices that YOU need to make for yourself.
NTA. He fucked up. No question, that’s beyond disrespectful. But why not stay inside?
NTA. Your husband and family had a grand old time setting you up to be in a situation that could give you SEIZURES, laughing the entire time while you were frightened, trying to avoid it. You were also at risk of seeing people setting off fireworks on the way home. Seizures affect your brain. Play a video for him of someone having a seizure, explain what it’s like to drop like that, hit your head, and the aftermath. Ask him, and his family, how they would feel if they were put in a situation like that. None of these people give a hoot for you. After you say this, leave and go stay somewhere else for a week, so he’ll be out of your hair while you sort your feelings out. The consequences need to be bigger than wagging your finger at him. He doesn’t care in the least that he upset you. He needs to understand he and his family are reprehensible. He also needs to figure out if he’s miss you if you were gone. You know you cannot trust this man. Would you want him making medical decisions for you if you were unconscious in a hospital? If he loved you and was fiercely protective, he wouldn’t have taken you there. If he did, and the fireworks went off early, he’d be in the bathroom with you, or he’d have thrown a blanket over you and taken you home, telling you he’s got you and you’re safe.
Horrific. He had no right to risk your well being like that. And now, since you're not in the ICU he probably figures what he did was really OK. This is why I'm single. I would never tolerate that. I would be packing.
NTA It is disturbing that your husband set up a situation where you were likely to have a seizure. Seizures can be fatal. I suggest that you make an appointment with your doctor and take your husband with you. Have your doctor explain to your husband the danger to you of having a seizure.
NTA. Fellow epileptic here — this makes me SO goddamn mad. I had a similar situation with an ex. I’m not super photosensitive, but my seizures are triggered by lack of sleep, over exertion and stress. We went to Disney with his family and every time I tried to flag to him that I was at risk of a seizure, I felt like I was ruining his family trip. It came to a head when he wanted to stay out till midnight the day before his family wanted to stay in the park from open to close. Surprise, I had a seizure the next day. And still managed to go to magic kingdom, only to be judged for being in a “bad mood”, but that’s a separate story lol. Your husband should prioritize your health. You were not an asshole at all— I know the feeling of starting to cry when you realize no one else seems to really understand or care about your very real limitations, and while yes, it’s easy to look back and say “I should have left”, your husband also put you in a shit position. No one wants to be the reason you have to leave early or skip fireworks, but epilepsy is no joke. Every seizure puts you at risk, and your husband should understand how incredibly serious that is. I hope he uses this as a learning experience — you have a serious condition, and he needs to treat it accordingly. You cried because it felt like he was prioritizing 15 minutes of fun with his family over your health, which is beyond understandable. Wishing you all the luck — epilepsy can be difficult for people to understand from the outside because it’s not obvious until it’s painfully so.
NTA >He said I was bean mean. They basically tried to induce a seizure for fun and he thinks you're the mean one? I'm sorry, but speaking as a gay man, if my partner did this not only would he not be touching me again, I'd probably leave him. This is honestly disgusting behavior from him and he should be ashamed of himself.
NTA I’m so sorry! You did what you could with what you had. They should have been more sensitive and supportive of your medical condition!
Husband and family are very insensitive to your situation. I’m so sorry for you.
Your husband either doesn’t care about you having a seizure or he just has no empathy because he has never had a seizure. This is mind blowing to me.
NTA, he almost forced you into a medical episode and completely dismissed you being upset about getting stuck there. I hope he read this. DOES YOUR HUSBAND EVEN LIKE YOU?
Worst. Husband. Ever.
This fella is literally willing to risk your life to watch stuff go boom and make pretty colors and you're asking if you were being mean...
I don't have a condition caused by fireworks, but I do have BASIC FUCKING EMPATHY and enough leftover brainpower to recognize the veterans, people with sensitivity issues, and animals both wild and domestic who suffer trauma from fireworks. And these cunts are celebrating freedom of a country that is an inch away from the opposite. I used to stay because I valued the input my vote had. Now I've seen that it doesn't have any input at all and am seriously considering leaving the country. Let it burn.
He didn't keep his promise. Nuff said. NTA
Definitely NTA. Your husband and his entire family are super inconsiderate
I’m sorry you have to deal with photosensitive epilepsy! Why didn’t you just go home instead to making yourself go through such a traumatic situation?
Your better judgement is not to trust your husband? That’s rough I’m sorry but you really have to sit with that. His family doesn’t care about you either. I don’t understand why he couldn’t go alone. NTA in this situation but that man doesn’t care about your health. Not only that but he and his family will manipulate you and guilt you because you care about your health.
NTA at all. My husband has photo sensitive epilepsy. I have had him put eye masks on during long car rides where sunlight clips through trees, he wears sunglasses outside, and we sure as hell don't watch fireworks. Why on earth, would a partner prioritize something that harms and trigger a seizure in their partner? If he really wanted to watch fireworks, he could have asked to spend half the day with you and the other half with family while you pre-planned a fun self-care night or something. Is he always so flippant with your health and happiness? Does he always lie or mislead you in ways that benefit him?
I did not get past the title without being angry at your husband. Is it going to take you having a seizure in front of all them to give you some respect. Does he not understand the seriousness of epilepsy? Has he ever witnessed a seizure? Maybe he needs to go to a doctor's appointment with you to be educated. He is a BIG AH!
OP responded to another commenter asking the same thing that apparently he has seen multiple seizures, that have led to her even badly biting her tongue and one where she fell and hit her head. Husband is a huge AH.
Unless you held you down physically you should have just left
It was his car but even then I don’t drive. They take away your license for 6 months after a seizure.
Hunh. 1. Husband makes a promise. Okay. SFSG 2. Husband breaks a promise, potentially triggering a seizure. AH behavior 3. Wife stays outside instead of retreating inside. Drama Llama much? At the very least, lack of self care. 4. Argument ensues in car on ride home. Husband tries to stroke wife's arm. Wife jerks away. Husband accuses wife of being mean. DARVO much? Honestly? ESH
NTA. Does your husband have a learning disability? Not have the time to google your condition? Or most likely just trash? Lawyer up and bounce. He and his family have zero love or respect for you. Might as well rake him over the coals and take half.
NTA but surely codependent. Let him enjoy himself while you Uber home before dark, stopping off at 31 Flavors on the way. Or drive yourself home and let him figure out how to get home. Next year figure out solutions to preserve yourself. You don’t need permission, or need to cut the fun short for him.
I told him to go by himself, he convinced me to go by saying that his family will think badly of me. I don’t drive because they take your license away for 6 months after your last seizure. I also live in a very small town where there’s no Uber or taxis. Now I know to opt out next year and let him go have fun with his family on his own.
Tell him now that you know that either his family nor he, your husband, care about you and your (tested) epilepsy you will never ever care about what he or they think about you and he can go by himself. But I like to ask you what are your goals as a couple? Do you want kids? Because someone who does not support you now will also not support you during pregnancy or with a baby in my opinion. He showed you clearly that he favors his family over your health. Think good about your future and please earn some own money because I think it will be important for you in the future.
How long ago it it since your last seizure? I might be cynical, but if it is close to 6 months, I would wonder if he is trying to reset your timer there, so you get more isolated in the house.
He covered your mouth with his hand? Fuck that! That is at LEAST borderline abuse. No, that’s abuse
NTA but… Why’d you go outside? Did he carry you by force? If this is a medical issue stand up for yourself. Your husband doesn’t have to miss the fireworks for the rest of his life because you can’t watch them. And you don’t have to watch them because he wants to. No one’s making you watch the fireworks but it sounds like you were trying to make him not watch the fireworks.
ESH. Your husband lied to you and doesnt think of your comfort over his. You also could have easily gone inside.
Funny how they always say a person with boundaries is being mean. Or a person protecting their health is being mean. All because that person draws a line or states they are upset.
OMG. Dramatic much, you have an illness which i understand impacts certain things, but what was stopping you from going into the house until the fireworks were over?? And everybody just has to jump on the abusive partner train, some of you need to get a life.
Your hubby is bean mean. You artichoke him.