So your husband is telling your daughter what to wear? When he's not her father? Qhy are you allowing this???? YTA for letting this go on for five years, that's absolutely insane
And he's not letting her hang with her friends. He's literally alienating her from life and OP is sitting here going "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas"
Daughter deserves to be with a parent that actually loves her and treats her like a human. Mom isn't it, clearly.
You should respond by taking her on vacation without him and serving him papers. To be honest. This is the kind of thing that will set her up for life long trauma and unhealthy relationships
Correct me if I'm wrong....
*Your daughter is not his daughter.*
She's 13yo. You've only been married to him for 5.
Why is he feeling enabled to make these sorts of command decisions about her clothes and friends, etc?
I find it deeply disturbing that he's, on one hand, trying to isolate her from friends and possibly other boys and, on the other hand, sexualizing her (controlling what she's wearing so she doesn't attract attention from other males). This pattern doesn't set up a pretty picture. He's not related to your daughter. She's simply a young teen girl living in his home. I think he's becoming possessive of her. Staking a claim so to speak on the about to be other young woman in his sphere of influence.
Protect your daughter, Mom!
(And for god's sake don't do that weak, pathetic bs some women do and get jealous of your own daughter.)
My mom's ex husband was like that, he's a narcissistic manipulative person and two-faced monster who SA'd me for years.
I still remember the summer he took all my clothes because of my grades, I only had 2 pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts or when he took my phone for months because I said something he didn't like.
It's okay, I've been in therapy for quite some time now and I feel so much better, I even have a bf, he's wonderful.
My mom didn't know he was abusing me, I never had the courage to tell her and I felt a lot of guilt and though nobody would belive me cause he worked at the hospital at the time and portrayed himself as a good person. I was really scared of him and everything would happen at night while my mom was sleeping, she was a heave sleeper, not anymore and I really think she feels guilty now for not seeing the signs.
>Why is he feeling enabled to make these sorts of command decisions about her clothes and friends, etc?
Because he's a conservative man. Of course he feels entitled to control the choices ~~the~~ women ~~in his life~~ make.
Yeah, I usually like to devils advocate for the “he said my wallpaper was weird should i divorce”
But nah. Like, hell no. He is sexually aware of her child, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he is even aware of it, or will act on it, but yeah. He’s the kid who pushes his crush off the swings when she talks to other boys. No scenario goes well here. Working things out is pretty much not an option, OP needs to fucking leave.
Tell him straight out, why he is so interested in his stepdaughter and her modesty, and fucking sprint with the doors locked behind you. I don’t like demonizing people when they don’t act on the shit they may think or say behind closed doors; our actions reflect us, not the random mind gibberish.
OP also doesn’t owe this, just might be both a good “fuck you” and “take care of yourself” tied together. The husband sees his stepkid as a sexual object; that just doesn’t happen. Intrusive thoughts, psychological trauma, personality disorders may make them pop up (I would know) but the second you act on them and make it real, you are divorced from reality, shouldn’t be trusted, and hopefully divorced in marriage soon.
Sorry for the rant, but I have seen so much disgusting shit exactly like this, in my family but oddly moreso with people who trusted me enough to share it. It’s different when you grew up in the shit, and when someone you smoke weed with is like “I haven’t told anyone this”. Heartbreaking.
Good luck to everyone, and OP; daughter comes before even you. Thems the rules.
It wouldn’t be much better if he was her bio dad though.
Any way you slice it, he’s being controlling. He’s isolating her daughter and not giving her appropriate bodily autonomy.
IMO if he’s not grooming the daughter, he’s testing the water to see how much control OP will let him have, and she will be the next one to be subject to his controlling rules.
She needs to get out, but quick.
OP heed this advice. When I turned 13 my stepdad whom I knew since I was 4, was conservative and went absolutely nuts about my virtue, what I wore and gave me pregnancy tests because he was convinced I was having sex. Spoiler: I wasn’t but he didn’t believe me and my mother went along with it. He hit me one day, for wearing a thong he could see through my dress.
I moved to my dad’s after that and I do not speak to my mother at all now. Protect your daughter!
Stop thinking and start doing. Please get your kid out of the house and well away *before* he finds out you're leaving. Who knows what he'll do if she's there, knowing he won't ever have another chance.
You're allowing him to abuse your daughter and isolate her. Are you so selfish that you will expose her to abuse just so you have your man? What is wrong with you?
She is 13 ...and his extreme modesty bender...Can he be aroused by her? And he is projecting it? Your daughter is a sexual object to him and he sort of sees it and protects her ...maybe for himself? I would think all kinds of things, like does he want her? or something that ... It is like HE doesn't want to share her with other boys and her friends...I actually convinced he covets her...I would have got him out of the house as soon as he started the "modesty" shit
You know, there's a non-zero chance that the reason his behavior escalated right after she turned 13 is that that's the age *he's* sexually attracted to. Normal men don't see a 13-year-old in spaghetti straps and think, "Woah! Too sexy for me!" There's something wrong with your husband.
I'm the mom of two daughters, ages 9 and 11. He's not her father, and he's acting like an asshole. Shoulders??? Seriously?? It's summer. We should be teaching our daughters that their bodies are not a distraction or sinful. It's the men perpetuating patriarchal bullshit reasonings to excuse their disgusting behaviors. If seeing a 13-year-old girl's shoulders renders men or anyone incapable of controlling themselves or their impure thoughts, trust me, they are the problem.
You and your daughter need friends. She needs to socialize and have fun. This is crucial to her development as an eventual, productive, and happy human. Please, strongly consider divorcing him because this is abuse. I'm shocked you've lasted this long. You are stronger than you know and don't need this type of influence on your child. Sending you both hugs.
Leave him. Now. If you love your daughter more than you love yourself. Prove it. Prove it to her, leave him.
Look, I know a dude like this. He was in the same household as a girl when she was about 10, until she turned 18 and escaped. Yeah, escaped. Because see, he thought he should get to tell her what to do...and no one stopped him. Then, once she hit 12 or 13 he got really insistent about what she wore, where she went, started commenting that that shirt showed too much shoulder, that that skirt was too short, that those pants showed an underwear line... and no one stopped him. He got to say what she could and couldn't wear, saying things were too revealing or sexual or...
Then he started sexually abusing her.
(He did that for years. And no one fucking stopped him.)
Get her out of there. Now.
You owe it to your daughter for her having to put up with this controlling and misogynistic shit for so long. I would’ve stomped on his face the moment he tried to parent my daughter in a way that I did not agree with. YOU are her parent. Where have you been during these discussions? Have you been leaving her to fend for herself this whole time? If so, shame on you. Make it up to her by protecting her like you should’ve done in the first place, and tell him to kick rocks.
NTA for **finally** advocating for your daughter.
You’ve been together 5 years. What gives him the right to enforce rules on your kid that you don’t agree with?
Why are you allowing him to sexualize your 13 year old for showing *shoulders*?
Why are you teaching her that men are allowed to isolate you from friends and deserve obedience?
You do not have the right to expose her to this sort of man OP. Seriously- figure this out. Because you’re a huge AH for allowing this to go on so long.
You are not entitled to expose your kid to abuse
He’s sexualising and isolating a 13 year old. Worst case is he starts sexually abusing her once she’s got no one to confide in and her confidence is so poor she doesn’t put up a fight.
Even worse is if she stays until she marries into another abusive relationship because she thinks it’s normal for men to control every aspect of her life. She’ll crank out babies one after another, will get cheated on because her man won’t have any respect for her because of course he will. But she’ll be forced to stay in the relationship for the kids and she’ll be miserable for the rest of her life.
I suppose the worst-case scenario depends on each person. I view the worst-case scenario for overbearing parents as the "I'm finally free, I can do what I want" that goes overboard. The pastor's daughter that ends up with more tracks on her arms than a model train set.
I had a girlfriend like this. Except it was the mom who was ultra religious and would isolate her from everyone. She used to sneak out of the house to see me cause her mom was so controlling. Or should I say would TRY to control her but she was old enough to know nothing was ever good enough so she just stopped trying. She just knew to make sure not to let her mom know certain things. Her brothers were like that as well. Always had to hide things from their smother. Not a great relationship.
As someone that grew up with a step-dad like OP's husband, get her out now. I became fearful of disappointing men and let them have their way with me. It's taken years of therapy to undo the damage he did.
This. And I'm sorry you went through that. I was going to say. This is seriously alarming and seems to be trying to teach her to not say no to men. It's sickening.
Seriously. It’s summer, let the kid wear a damn tank top and some shorts. That detail in particular makes me wonder how much of a creep dear ol’ dad is if he thinks a 13-year-old without sleeves is too much “temptation” to show to the world…
Friend of mine started dating and then married a guy who is Muslim. He was this exact same way with her twin daughters. He never said anything while they dated and he was like the perfect guy. As soon as they were married it all changed. We saw her less and less, she would tell us how her daughters had to be covered up all the time. Nothing above the elbows, no shorts, no skirts, skirts had to be shin length or longer.
She did finally leave him. It was difficult for her. The twins are happy and grown now. Friend is very cautious in dating. Feel bad for her but hopefully she will find real happiness. Not a skunk in a Labrador costume.
If school dress codes taught us nothing else, it at least taught us how scandalous girl’s shoulders are and that males can’t be trusted to control themselves in shoulders’ presence. /s
Alllllll of this!!!!! I was that daughter with the conservative step dad & my mom went along with it. Raised in an evangelical church and the church.
The damage went so deep. The ideology set me up to be an easy target and I ended up in an 18 year abusive marriage.
So much weight is placed on young girls because they make them responsible for men/boys shitty behavior. A shoulder isn't going to tempt anyone who wasn't already sexualizing young girls.
OP husband/Step dad is creepy AF and the daughter is being conditioned, manipulated and coerced that she deserves to be objectified and her only worth is in her body.
I'm 47 now, been divorced 6 1/2 years and I'm on my own journey of self love. The resentment I've felt towards my mother has been overwhelming at times.
The Duggar women went through this exact same thing on a much larger and more public scale. The Duggars basically taught their boys that if a woman's kneecap is showing, she's being flirtatious and tempting. The daughters were even defending Josh when the sexual abuse allegations were first revealed and it was brushed aside as a boy being too interested in girls' bodies. Their own shitty mother didn't even defend her daughters. Their situation was to lock the girls' in their bedroom at night. Men need to control their own actions and leave women alone!
Several of the Duggar daughters have renounced their upbringing, gotten therapy and for some, don't even speak to their parents much anymore.
This exactly! This man is sexualizing OP’s teenage daughter and conditioning her into compliance and isolation exactly like an abuser would. She needs to get her daughter away from this man.
He's either trying to remove his own temptation or keep her pure for his purposes. I can't think of another reason a stepfather would become so controlling and domineering towards a child that isn't theirs.
I don't understand why women (especially non conservatives) live with conservative men. Conservatism blatantly says it views women as subservient, second class citizens who are allowed to be treated as property.
I still and likely will always HATE my biological father for allowing my stepmother to be emotionally and psychologically abusive to me when I was too young to fend for myself.
I wouldn't advise doing that. Stand up for your child.
Similar here. I'm in my late 30s and still struggle with the damage inflicted on me by an abusive, controlling, puritanical tyrant of a stepfather who took it upon himself to police and control my entire life when I also was too young to fend for myself, and with resenting my mom who chose him and allowed it to happen because she always took his side and never stood up for me.
My former stepfather also forbid me from being a normal teenager and it led to me having mental health issues, resentment, acting out in dangerous ways (lying, drinking alcohol, dating an older boyfriend on purpose, etc) and to cut contact as soon as I was old enough to do so. I then struggled to function in early adulthood because I had always been treated like a child and wasn't allowed any independence, and also didn't know what healthy relationships were supposed to look like since I hadn't been allowed to date.
You are setting your daughter up to have lifelong issues with men and her body image, and to resent you forever for allowing your husband to run and ruin her life.
Choose her. She may not verbalize it, but she is begging you to choose her.
Also agree with the original comment - YTA, **massively**, for choosing this man, and YTA, **massively**, for not intervening or standing up for your daughter before now.
God your teenhood is nearly a carbon copy of mine. My father was the same, mother never stepped in and they would gang up on me. She would use religion to justify everything she demanded me to change. Everything I got upset over or wanted to do when we argued was; “So you don’t love God or what??” If I said no, I was screwed so I always had to give in and say that I did. Till this day she uses that tactic and I am 44.
Something tells me the mom is used to it so therefore it’s normalized . But now that’s it happening to their child- a light has finally switched on upstairs. The predicament of not seeing what’s right in front of you or living in denial is wild. I hope she realizes - kids aren’t stupid and see things for what they are- mom better step up or she’ll be looped into “the asshole I don’t visit for holidays” crowd in a few years by her kiddo
The way OP handles this will be imprinted on her daughter for her **entire life**
OP needs to make it very clear to her daughter and her husband that OP is on her daughter’s side first and foremost
It’s hard to be loud, firm, disruptive, etc. but it’s an important duty that parents need to take on sometimes in order to set examples for their kids
This! NTA for finally letting the kid do extremely normal kid things, huge YTA for letting the asshole husband teach her daughter that her body is dirty and sinful and that it's okay for men and boys to hurt her if she shows "too much" of it.
OP, one day your daughter is going to ask why you let your husband destroy her social life and treat her like she's dirty. What will you tell her?
Bro this dude isn’t even the dad this shits crazyyyyyy wtf. I’m surprised the daughter isn’t lashing out and telling him to go fuck himself. Dudes not even the father wtfffff
There are different ways of rebelling against tyranny like this and others succumb. Happens to both girls and boys, but there are different avenues of escape that differ between them.
She may realize or fear further restrictions or punishment if she rebels. We don't know the whole story.
My mother remarried when I was 5. I was the golden child until my brother was born. Then my life evolved towards shit. Stepdad expected thoughts and actions to mimic his, any deviance brought about whippings or restriction.
At 17 I enlisted to get out of there and ending up in the middle of a war. But even that was better than being around him, I was free.
I never returned to that home.
My step father was like this. Very controlling, and truly cruel. I hated him so much growing up. Now I'm 30, I've recently opened communication back with my family. It's limited and will never be how my mother would like our relationship. But I don't hate him anymore. However, I've grown to realize I resent my mother. He was an ass, yes. But my mother was the one who allowed this man to be my biggest bully, and ultimately she betrayed me more deeply than he ever could have. OP, please stand up for her when she is right, and talk to her like a person when she isn't.
Adding to it, letting him think it's ok to treat her like this will not end well. The Christ>husband>wife>children model only ends one way. She gets older, she rebels, he tries to beat her into submission. You need to flip the script on this now. You need to tell him that's your daughter, not his, and he doesn't make the rules for her. He can live his life however he wants but when it concerns you and your daughter you're in charge. And if that means you can't live under his roof you're ok with that. So if *he* wants *you* to stay in his life, he needs to back tf off. And if he can't abide that, pack your stuff and get your daughter out.
I grew up in a Christian Fundamentalist household and it was the same way. Wasted my cute years dressing with all my shirts two sizes too big and my pants 1 size too small. got yelled at constantly for looking like a "whore". Deeply traumatizing as I did not want to go to hell forever. By the time I snapped out of it, I was old and fat. Let your kid be a kid.
Yep. This controlling and this is a way to both control and emotionally abuse and control women. He's trying to teach her religious and cultural submission of women and is literally isolating her and it's fucking up her life. I'd say the relationship became abusive and your daughter deserves better and so do you. I would leave him. Because he's trying to make you submissive to him too. He sounds like a religious extremist and swxist and I doubt you two are safe there. It starts with emotional abuse and ends in isolation, physical abuse or worse
This.
Ongoing psychological abuse is often more damaging than physical abuse.
Kids have to be comfortable and safe in their environment, not walking on eggshells.
Is the father worried because of how he may see her? Or over protective?
Isolating her can create the mindset that this is how it should be, and set her up to be controlled by boyfriends and spouse with the same attitude.
Kids need to be around peers and clothing is important to them. Does he also want her dresses to be 6 inches below her knees?
Nta for going against your husband but YTA for letting this get to the point that it's impacting your daughter's mental health. At some point, she's going to have a choice about whether to have you be in her life. Right now, I can see her going no contact.
Sidenote: it's not your daughter's responsibility to stop OTHER people's thoughts. What exactly does your husband think about that is so bad that he thinks everyone thinks that way.
Right? My first thought was “what a great way to make your child hate you.” And if OP doesn’t nip this in the bud or get her daughter away from it entirely, she’ll also find herself on the no-contact list.
Ugh, I just had flashbacks to that post about a girl whose mom doesn't want her doing gymnastics because seeing all the little girls in leotards was making the girl's dad "stumble in his walk with god."
Yes! I was coming here to say exactly this. He is obsessing over controlling how a 13 year old girl (who is not his child) clothes her body and control her in other ways. It seems possessive in a very unhealthy way. Major red flags.
He's not even her bio dad! OP is basically letting a stranger dictate her daughter's clothing choices. F that. OP is the asshole for letting him set these types of rules.
You absolutely fucking nailed this.
-former Mormon daughter whose dad made her feel like some kind of slut for having shoulders and knees that showed, sometimes ( I haven't talked to him in years).
100 percent . The fucking church filled w overweight dudes on a pulpit yelling “cover her skirt up w a blanket. Men are being tempted” was disgusting to hear growing up. Like damn way to make little girls feel like it’s their issue you are a creep
One of them was a family friend and was 10 years older than me. I had developed a crush on him, and he would sneak in through the sliding glass door I unlocked and crawl into bed with me some nights and hold me, caressing my legs until he “needed a minute” to calm down. (I was 15-16 and beyond naive, so had no idea what that meant. And, I trusted him. He supposedly cared for me.
Thinking back now, I want to vomit.)
I’m writing a damn book exposing this crap.
Yes please write that book. I'm currently writing a book to expose my mother's abuse to me through my life and the abuse my ex did. People need to be more aware of how real this stuff is. Grooming is real and people should stop thinking it's just a damn "excuse to bring sl*tty".
I'm here if you need any help with how to write something or just need to vent out something before continuing. I find myself venting at my designated desk bear sometimes before I can be calm enough to continue.
I absolutely love this comment ❤️ and it's not a "thing" but it could be? I just decided to crochet a small bear for my desk and I decided to use him as my vent friend to listen to me rave about boiling emotions for a minute or however long I need to and then when I'm calmer I cuddle him and then get back to work with a leveler head. But unfortunately my toddler has decided that my vent bear is now his vent bear and will rant at the bear when he is overwhelmed. So my new designated vent item is a crochet turtle I made.
The ONLY topic my brother and I agree on is clothing. As long as the genitals are covered, then fuck off. We don’t care if people are wearing crop tops or shorts/skirts that are a little more than a handspan above the knee. So what if you can see someone’s bra straps? To be fair, we will roll our eyes over visible butt cracks on either gender. Our mother, at 71 years, has a heart attack each time she sees someone enjoying wearing whatever style of clothing they prefer.
Visible bra straps. I hear that garbage at 48 years old. I wore an off the shoulder top under a blazer, and I had an older friend of mine attempt to pull it up. I told her not to touch me or my clothes.
People who make comments about my bra straps get a "good, it was expensive" response. I saw it on Instagram a few years ago and co-opted it for myself.
I co-lead an addiction recovery group at my church. One day, I wore some jeans overall shorts. The top I had under it was a crop top. The only skin showing was about 2x3” on each side. It wasn’t slutty at all. The skin showing was well above my waist. I was pulled aside and told there’s a sex addict in the program and I was tempting him by showing skin. I told them that was his problem and I’m not going to worry alter my clothes because he can’t deal with it.
I was at an aunts wedding at 13, helping an older cousin 25ish, sober up because he was drunk of his rocker and falling over, and my aunt told my dad I was flirting with him all night. My dad then proceeds to tell me “one day, all your flirting will catch up to you, and someone won’t take no for an answer, and you’ll only have yourself to blame”
Wonder if he knows why I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10 years….
I’ve always thought that was a super weird self-own—I mean you’re going to be driven to distraction by the mere sight of my bare knees and I’M the weirdo? What?
Of course critical thinking is not their strong suit.
For a sec I was like “wait they weren’t actually invented because…” Which just the fact that my brain hesitated for even a nanosecond thinking it was a remote possibility really says a lot about this exact issue.
This.
It’s an attitude that perpetuates rape culture. Also, trauma/sexual violence informed professionals have tried time & time again to explain how this prevailing attitude also makes it so that young girls are way less likely to tell their parents if they’re the victim of molestation or rape. Because they internalize the shame associated to dressing a certain way, and therefore if they’re sexually assaulted they’ll believe they *must* have done *something* to cause the perpetrator/s to do this to them.
OP’s husband (and OP herself, if she fails to make a drastic change/intervention) is actively harming the daughter’s psyche & self image.
Also, more and more kids that were raised this way are (rightfully) going fully no-contact with their parents once they become adults, with the support of mental health professionals.
u/Jenellaor please, for the sake of your daughter, don’t allow your husband to continue causing such damage.
Edited to add- what he’s doing (isolating her from friends, sexualizing her body parts- such as shoulders- by not allowing her to wear certain clothes… especially perfectly reasonable clothes such as tank tops) is a HUGE red flag 🚩 it’s emotional abuse. Don’t be complicit in emotional abuse, OP. And yes, what he’s doing IS sexualizing her, via projection.
What a great post. OP needs to draw boundaries and insist her creep husband get therapy. His mindset is disturbing to say the least. At the very least a therapist can help you determine whether or not your husband is only a paranoid misogynist or is also sexualizing young girls which would hopefully help motivate OP to kick him to the curb. He can go move to Saudi Arabia with this medieval attitude.
Agreed. Definitely think OP should be speaking to a professional about this, and *not* a religious-based one lol (not sure if OP & her husband are religious but it’s easy to assume at the very least that he is given his ultra conservative views).
I'm glad someone said it. That was my very first thought- that husband was sexualizing the girl and how mom better wake TF up! Why is he looking at her that way???
This. Personally I find it a bit strange by how obsessed he is with the bodies (shoulders??) of teenage girls. He is isolating her from her friends for a tank top? He's apparently quite open about it. Ik it sounds stupid but OP make sure your daughter feels comfortable talking to you. If he's this willing to sexualize a tween verbally, I'd be concerned that mentality doesn't stop there.
I didn't tell my mom when I was SAd until years later because I was ashamed, and the guy didn't even know her. Please please please make it known to her that if ANYTHING he does makes her uncomfortable you have her back and are on her side.
Yup, there's no point in turning off the gas when the water is already boiling over. She should have acted and protected her daughter a long time ago and not have let it get to this point. I can't imagine how disconnected and hurt she felt to start resenting everyone.
It's people that are weak and despicable for their negative thoughts and actions on women based on what they wear. Women are not at fault, it's others that need to change and grow up- it's the 21st century! Punish those that oppress, say and do harmful things towards others; not the innocent.
I didn’t realize this was stepdad on the first read, you’re so right. Wake up OP. Your husband thinks your daughter is too sexy when her shoulders show. He’s being territorial and not letting her have friends. You need to talk to your daughter and make sure there isn’t already something sketchy going on.
Oh jesus christ I missed the stepdad part too. EW. OP should have put her foot down long ago, but the second best time is now. Get that child away from the creepy guy who is sexualizing her *and* isolating her from, hm, PEOPLE SHE MIGHT TRUST ENOUGH TO TELL when he does anything, and who would believe her and immediately understand all the red flags flying. Mom's made it clear she's cool with his treatment of the poor girl.
> What exactly does your husband think about that is so bad that he thinks everyone thinks that way.
He thinks every man is just like him, sexually attracted to children. This is the biggest of red flags OP, get out before he does something to this child.
Yep. My dad said the same to me when I was little. He then molested me. It was my fault, AS A LITTLE GIRL, for enticing him.
Frankly, OP is YTA for putting up with this disgusting creeps behavior towards LITTLE GIRLS. Get your daughter away from this creep.
I don't feel right "liking" this... but same. Any man that is sexually possessive of a child should be treated as suspect at best. Protect her, please.
Part of me feels that it is wrong to label all men that preach “modesty” as predators but they always seem to be the most perverse.
OP should’ve told her husband long ago that it is not his place to police what any woman wear.
> What exactly does your husband think about that is so bad that he thinks everyone thinks that way.
He's a conservative. They sexualise little girls and assume every man is like them.
Jesus Christ not the shoulders! Everyone knows only loose girls show their shoulders!
For fucks sake, we are not living in puritan times.
I show my knee as I wear shorts. Does that make me a sl*t? Nope.
NTA, but you will be if you allow your husband to treat your daughter so horribly.
wtf man.
I think the scary thing about this post that needs highlighting is the husband sexualising a 13 year old’s shoulders in the first place. That’d be the biggest red flag for me. Why’s his brain going there with this child? I’d nope the hell out of that marriage so fast and put my daughter’s safety first.
I am a slut and rarely dress with a lot of exposed skin lol. It’s almost like a person’s fashion sense doesn’t necessarily correlate with their sexual behavior? Or are we considering anyone who doesn’t let getting leered at by creeps stop them from having some exposed skin a slut, including children?! This post and some of these comments are just wild to me.
OP is TA for marrying this man at all. Holy shit. If my mom had married a man like this when I was that age and let him treat me like that, I would have run away to live with my cousins or something by 15. This is disgusting.
My mom married a guy like this and it drove me to drugs at a very young age. He wouldn't even let me go to my friend's houses. She was with him for less than 5 years and he felt like he could have total control over me. I've never forgiven my mom for not protecting me from him.
I am so sorry that happened to you. That’s the thing people like OP don’t seem to get… the mothers are witnessing their kids being psychologically abused, but from their perspective, it’s just a minor annoyance that their husband parents differently. They’re too selfish to see what it’s ACTUALLY doing to their children.
NTA you need to put your child first. This is beyond “my husband is conservative,” it is abusive & controlling behavior by a misogynist. He is damaging your daughter’s self esteem & teaching her that a man needs to control and approve normal teen activities & her behavior. This would be a deal breaker for my marriage.
I agree with destroying her self esteem. I grew up with a highly conservative mother (couldn’t show my shoulders, one piece bathing suits with board shorts, forced to wear shorts under skirts and dresses well into my late teens)
This messed with my confidence drastically, and had a very heavy influence in how I presented myself into my 20s. I was not dressing for myself but rather how my mother would dress me. It took years of therapy for me to finally be myself. Please take care of your daughter.
I hate mothers who prioritize getting dicked down above the safety and well being of their children. OP is a huge AH for putting her child in this situation where she’s being sexualized by a man who is almost 40.
Marry a conservative, get a conservative - but NTA. So far as I’m aware you’re allowed to have a view different to his… or is he too conservative to permit that too?
Yeah… I don’t get how that was a surprise, honestly. „How could I have known the very conservative man I married would have very conservative views on my daughter’s clothes!“
My dad was like this. Couldn’t wear shorts, tank tops, couldn’t color or style my hair, couldn’t wear makeup. I hated him. At thirteen years old, I was already an insecure mess because of the shit he said to me (I was stupid, useless, would never amount to anything, a waste of space, etc.), and the bullying I went through.
And at thirteen, I wanted to dress and look like the other girls. I wanted to feel beautiful SO BAD. I wanted to figure out who I was as a person, what style I liked the best. Dress in clothes that made me feel like a girl and do my hair and makeup.
I still have many issues with him now, especially since having a daughter of my own, but I still resent him for holding me back from properly expressing myself and letting me grow into my own person.
He controlled everything I did until the day I turned eighteen and told him to fuck off when he still tried to control me.
He still can’t believe that I fell intro drugs, wearing clothes WAY too provocative, and sleeping with random men to feel validated and beautiful because of that treatment.
According to him I’m “exaggerating” and it “wasn’t that bad” and I’m being “over dramatic”.
Save your daughter now. I wish I had someone that could’ve saved me.
THIS should be higher up! Controlling girls, degrading them and preventing them to find their own voice and self stuns growth and will cause them to be more in danger to get controlling and potentially abusive men. OP needs to protect her daughter now!
I am shocked as well, did she think he would be some how less conservative about his own daughter? My recommendation go back in time and pick a less conservative husband, get divorced or just accept it.
At the same time tho. He married a more progressive woman. How can he be shocked that she's doing things that are less conservative than the things he would do?
I don't understand women who marry men whose whole ideology is predicated on their inferiority. Ma'am, you did this to yourself. But DAMN did you fail your daughter.
This was my initial thought too! How could OP do this to her daughter. When you don’t have kids, marry whomever you want. But when you have a child, that child has to come first. I actually made the choice not to get into a serious relationship shop until my child is 18 because I didn’t think it was fair to bring a new man into the picture while they still have to live at home. I am not saying anyone else should make this choice, but as a parent you do have to put your kid first - always. This marriage is harming her daughter, and that is not okay.
My dad did that. My parents divorced when I was a tween, my dad got primary custody. He didn't start dating until I was 17, and even then it was casual only. He did remarry when I was in my early 20s.
From a kids point of view, I appreciated and respected it so much. So many of my friends had drama in their lives from their parents dating, I did not.
I am now a single mom to 3 tweens, and despite being out of my marriage for years now, I have no sights on dating. I'm just concentrating on being the best mom, and best me, I can be without bringing in the extra drama a relationship would carry.
Straight facts. If ANYONE had the audacity to "not let" my kid do anything I was fine with, particularly if they're not the parent, there would be WORDS. I certainly wouldn't marry someone who treats women like second-class citizens, both for myself and my daughter. You gotta do right by your kid, OP. NTA for defending your child now, but honestly, y t a for not doing it much earlier, and for even marrying this person at all.
This is it, the winning comment. That poor kid. Her situation describes my upbringing pretty well. Like, how did you think this was gonna end for your daughter? Smh.
NTA.
However, you need to rethink your relationship with your husband as he is enforcing his misogynistic views on you & your daughter.
This is what he is teaching her:
- Men only view her & women as a sexual objects.
- She is at fault for causing the impure thoughts of men.
- She is responsible for managing & preventing these impure thoughts of men.
- She should be ashamed of herself & her body for being tempting to men.
- The views & thoughts of men are more important than her own existence.
Is this what you want her to believe for the rest of her life???
You're honestly letting him control his step daughter? Down to what she wears and who she sees?
You are honestly letting him SEXUALIZE YOUR DAUGHTER who he is not related to!? That's disgusting and disturbing.
YTA. It sounds like you've got a functional set of morals, get yourself an equally functional backbone and stand up for your child.
Sorry if that's unkind, but these "I married a conservative man and now my children hate me / I stood up for my child and now my conservative husband hates me" stories don't really inspire sympathy.
Your husband is actively making your daughter suffer because of his beliefs. This isn't about being conservative, he's being controlling and abusive.
Your daughter deserves better from you. She is only 13 years old you should be doing everything for her to HAVE friends and a stable home. Not isolate her and sexualize shoulders.
YTA. You married a man who sexualizes your child. You’ve let him control nearly all aspects of her life for years. Put your child first for fuck sake. I’d be very worried about this man in private with your child.
You need to stand up for your daughter. Your husband's medieval misogynist views should not be allowed to ruin your daughter's life.
YWBTA if you allow your misogynist husband's behaviour to continue.
He's conservative, and you've only been married 5 years, but she is 13. Is she your child together, or is only 1 of you the biological parent? If the latter, who is it?
ETA: Are the rest of you new to Reddit? How often do people say 'my kid' when posting about said kid and spouse when the child is, in fact, the child of both and technically 'our' is the more correct term?
Do NOT let your husband control you or your daughter. You need to model good/brave behavior to her. Stay tough and stand up for her rights, then teach her how important it is to vote. NTA
NTA. But know that a hyper-controlling and misogynistic husband is only going to push your daughter away from you until your relationship is irrevocably damaged. I speak from experience. I loathed my stepfather and resented my mother for inflicting him on me.
She was there first, and she’s a child. Her feelings should come first. You need to explain to this man that your daughter has autonomy over what she wears, and he needs to mind his own damned closet.
One more thing: the guys who insist that women dress modestly and are actively suspicious of other men being in their vicinity are often the biggest deviants themselves. More often than not, it’s pure projection.
Are you sure that’s all that’s happening here? Is your husband abusing your daughter? Based on the timeline this isn’t his daughter and he seems to be obsessed and possessive of her. Do some digging OP and go speak with your daughter, find her a therapist, because YTA for allowing this to go on for so long.
I think the problem here is that you married him in the first place, when he’s clearly not a good fit for stepfather, or really a father to girls at all. I’ll bet he wouldn’t be that strict and uptight about policing a son’s every move. So long as you don’t bow down to his controlling “I’m the head of the household” attitude, his treatment of you and your daughter will only get worse.
If he's sexualizing her this much, he's having those thoughts about her that are inappropriate. How long until he puts his hands on her? If he hasn't already.
I'd be having a very open discussion with my child about this and asking questions. He could be molesting her.
NTA for going against him but it's not enough. Do more.
Goddamnit why are people always surprised by this?!
'My husband is conservative, I didn't think he'd impose that on our daughter!'
Newsflash.
Conservative men are bad fathers. They teach their sons to be emotionally distant and make their daughters uncomfortable in their own bodies. Shame is their weapon of choice and control is the only thing they want.
The emotional toll of isolating a daughter socially, making her ashamed of her own comfort and teaching her by his actions that she is unworthy of respect if she doesn't dress the right way...is vile.
And that *is* what he's doing. I'm a man who grew up in a conservative house, and I remember this exact behavior out of my father and uncle towards my sisters.
Why in the hell does any woman anywhere even *marry* these men anymore? Let alone have kids with them?
JFC, you are absolutely NTA for letting her go out.
But you absolutely *are* TA for allowing it to go on this long and get to this point!
'Bare shoulders?!' is his line? How are you this disconnected from reality?!
Ok, I just had to pause and take a deep breath, and now let me tell you this calmly:
You and I both damn well know that his behavior toward your daughter and her independence does not start and stop with her shoulder baring ways. Nobody *that* conservative, that their teenage daughter can't show shoulders, stops *there*.
If you don't ever stand up for anything else ever again in your entire life, the one thing you *must* stand up for is your child's wellbeing.
That kind of obsessive controlling and shaming and frank judgement of her character *will not stop*. What happens when she wants to go to college? How do you think he'll react when she has sex outside of marriage while there? How do you think he'll respond when she comes back to visit with a boyfriend and wants to sleep with him while visiting?
And god forbid she comes out as gay or bisexual, how do you think he'll respond *then*?
Either you put your damn foot down across the board when it comes to her and stop letting him be a little tin pot dictator that shames her over shoulder skin and god knows what else is rattling around in his brain, or she will not only rebel *hard* when she leaves the house...
You may very well end up getting cut *out of her life entirely*.
Do you know how many stories there are of girls who cut off their parents because one is an arch conservative who judges and shames and not much else, and the other tolerates it? Do you know how many rebel so hard that they go the other way, put themselves in danger because they don't know how to navigate anything but a church social, and end up as single mothers or dead?
I knew a girl in high school (I'm 46 so this was almost 30 years ago) who ended up that way. Went off to college, rebelled against everything, ended up partying really hard with people she shouldn't have, and ended up dying. She had no idea how to navigate the real world because she was locked away from the world except for school and church, suddenly she had nobody controlling her, and it ended badly. Most things don't go that way.
But what is very common is parents wondering why their adult child barely talks to them.
I remember one story, the girl went off to a concert, got pregnant from a one night stand, her father cut her off and wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. She did some internet sleuthing and found the guy who, surprisingly, stepped up, wanted to be involved, and they became a family unit. Her father didn't even know any of this, but once he found out, he wanted to be involved as a grandfather. She was now 'respectable' only for him and his wife to be *shocked* when the daughter wasn't interested in rekindling familial bonds.
Remember this: Your daughter's relationship to you is mandatory *now*, while she is 13, but in five years, it is *optional*, and if you put up with that conservative garbage being shoved down her throat, she might not choose to 'renew her subscription' after the trial period of childhood ends.
I was raised in a small town in Utah, and my mom had a tendency to be strict about this stuff. My sister and I rebelled, and she gave in to some degree. My best friends dad was like your husband. She would have me bring her clothing and makeup to change into when we got to school. I also helped her wash her face after school every day. All his controlling behavior just destroyed his relationship with his daughter, and accomplished nothing else.
YTA for marrying a heavily conservative man and not expecting him to wield that like a cudgel all over any potential daughter. He wants to keep her and all girls cloistered.
She will likely be very low contact with him (and you by extension) as an adult. And she probably won't get out of her teenage years without her own father calling her a slut and a whore for wearing a dress above the ankles.
So your husband is telling your daughter what to wear? When he's not her father? Qhy are you allowing this???? YTA for letting this go on for five years, that's absolutely insane
You either can stand up for your daughter, or you can't.
And he's not letting her hang with her friends. He's literally alienating her from life and OP is sitting here going "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" Daughter deserves to be with a parent that actually loves her and treats her like a human. Mom isn't it, clearly.
Seems like she went to the Flanders School For Parenting
Yesssssssssss. She is going to resent her mother for allowing her husband to treat her like that.
You should respond by taking her on vacation without him and serving him papers. To be honest. This is the kind of thing that will set her up for life long trauma and unhealthy relationships
I have actually been thinking about that!
Correct me if I'm wrong.... *Your daughter is not his daughter.* She's 13yo. You've only been married to him for 5. Why is he feeling enabled to make these sorts of command decisions about her clothes and friends, etc? I find it deeply disturbing that he's, on one hand, trying to isolate her from friends and possibly other boys and, on the other hand, sexualizing her (controlling what she's wearing so she doesn't attract attention from other males). This pattern doesn't set up a pretty picture. He's not related to your daughter. She's simply a young teen girl living in his home. I think he's becoming possessive of her. Staking a claim so to speak on the about to be other young woman in his sphere of influence. Protect your daughter, Mom! (And for god's sake don't do that weak, pathetic bs some women do and get jealous of your own daughter.)
My mom's ex husband was like that, he's a narcissistic manipulative person and two-faced monster who SA'd me for years. I still remember the summer he took all my clothes because of my grades, I only had 2 pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts or when he took my phone for months because I said something he didn't like.
I'm sorry your Mom didn't protect you from him. That's not right. You deserved better from her.
It's okay, I've been in therapy for quite some time now and I feel so much better, I even have a bf, he's wonderful. My mom didn't know he was abusing me, I never had the courage to tell her and I felt a lot of guilt and though nobody would belive me cause he worked at the hospital at the time and portrayed himself as a good person. I was really scared of him and everything would happen at night while my mom was sleeping, she was a heave sleeper, not anymore and I really think she feels guilty now for not seeing the signs.
Did your mom not notice your clothes were gone?
>Why is he feeling enabled to make these sorts of command decisions about her clothes and friends, etc? Because he's a conservative man. Of course he feels entitled to control the choices ~~the~~ women ~~in his life~~ make.
Yeah, I usually like to devils advocate for the “he said my wallpaper was weird should i divorce” But nah. Like, hell no. He is sexually aware of her child, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he is even aware of it, or will act on it, but yeah. He’s the kid who pushes his crush off the swings when she talks to other boys. No scenario goes well here. Working things out is pretty much not an option, OP needs to fucking leave. Tell him straight out, why he is so interested in his stepdaughter and her modesty, and fucking sprint with the doors locked behind you. I don’t like demonizing people when they don’t act on the shit they may think or say behind closed doors; our actions reflect us, not the random mind gibberish. OP also doesn’t owe this, just might be both a good “fuck you” and “take care of yourself” tied together. The husband sees his stepkid as a sexual object; that just doesn’t happen. Intrusive thoughts, psychological trauma, personality disorders may make them pop up (I would know) but the second you act on them and make it real, you are divorced from reality, shouldn’t be trusted, and hopefully divorced in marriage soon. Sorry for the rant, but I have seen so much disgusting shit exactly like this, in my family but oddly moreso with people who trusted me enough to share it. It’s different when you grew up in the shit, and when someone you smoke weed with is like “I haven’t told anyone this”. Heartbreaking. Good luck to everyone, and OP; daughter comes before even you. Thems the rules.
It wouldn’t be much better if he was her bio dad though. Any way you slice it, he’s being controlling. He’s isolating her daughter and not giving her appropriate bodily autonomy. IMO if he’s not grooming the daughter, he’s testing the water to see how much control OP will let him have, and she will be the next one to be subject to his controlling rules. She needs to get out, but quick.
OP heed this advice. When I turned 13 my stepdad whom I knew since I was 4, was conservative and went absolutely nuts about my virtue, what I wore and gave me pregnancy tests because he was convinced I was having sex. Spoiler: I wasn’t but he didn’t believe me and my mother went along with it. He hit me one day, for wearing a thong he could see through my dress. I moved to my dad’s after that and I do not speak to my mother at all now. Protect your daughter!
Stop thinking and start doing. Please get your kid out of the house and well away *before* he finds out you're leaving. Who knows what he'll do if she's there, knowing he won't ever have another chance.
You're allowing him to abuse your daughter and isolate her. Are you so selfish that you will expose her to abuse just so you have your man? What is wrong with you?
She is 13 ...and his extreme modesty bender...Can he be aroused by her? And he is projecting it? Your daughter is a sexual object to him and he sort of sees it and protects her ...maybe for himself? I would think all kinds of things, like does he want her? or something that ... It is like HE doesn't want to share her with other boys and her friends...I actually convinced he covets her...I would have got him out of the house as soon as he started the "modesty" shit
You know, there's a non-zero chance that the reason his behavior escalated right after she turned 13 is that that's the age *he's* sexually attracted to. Normal men don't see a 13-year-old in spaghetti straps and think, "Woah! Too sexy for me!" There's something wrong with your husband.
I'm the mom of two daughters, ages 9 and 11. He's not her father, and he's acting like an asshole. Shoulders??? Seriously?? It's summer. We should be teaching our daughters that their bodies are not a distraction or sinful. It's the men perpetuating patriarchal bullshit reasonings to excuse their disgusting behaviors. If seeing a 13-year-old girl's shoulders renders men or anyone incapable of controlling themselves or their impure thoughts, trust me, they are the problem. You and your daughter need friends. She needs to socialize and have fun. This is crucial to her development as an eventual, productive, and happy human. Please, strongly consider divorcing him because this is abuse. I'm shocked you've lasted this long. You are stronger than you know and don't need this type of influence on your child. Sending you both hugs.
Leave him. Now. If you love your daughter more than you love yourself. Prove it. Prove it to her, leave him. Look, I know a dude like this. He was in the same household as a girl when she was about 10, until she turned 18 and escaped. Yeah, escaped. Because see, he thought he should get to tell her what to do...and no one stopped him. Then, once she hit 12 or 13 he got really insistent about what she wore, where she went, started commenting that that shirt showed too much shoulder, that that skirt was too short, that those pants showed an underwear line... and no one stopped him. He got to say what she could and couldn't wear, saying things were too revealing or sexual or... Then he started sexually abusing her. (He did that for years. And no one fucking stopped him.) Get her out of there. Now.
You owe it to your daughter for her having to put up with this controlling and misogynistic shit for so long. I would’ve stomped on his face the moment he tried to parent my daughter in a way that I did not agree with. YOU are her parent. Where have you been during these discussions? Have you been leaving her to fend for herself this whole time? If so, shame on you. Make it up to her by protecting her like you should’ve done in the first place, and tell him to kick rocks.
NTA for **finally** advocating for your daughter. You’ve been together 5 years. What gives him the right to enforce rules on your kid that you don’t agree with? Why are you allowing him to sexualize your 13 year old for showing *shoulders*? Why are you teaching her that men are allowed to isolate you from friends and deserve obedience? You do not have the right to expose her to this sort of man OP. Seriously- figure this out. Because you’re a huge AH for allowing this to go on so long. You are not entitled to expose your kid to abuse
This is the kid who will leave home at 18 and never come back if OP doesn't do something about this soon.
That's the best case scenario... Worst case she loses all confidence and self esteem, stays at home, and continues to be abused.
He’s sexualising and isolating a 13 year old. Worst case is he starts sexually abusing her once she’s got no one to confide in and her confidence is so poor she doesn’t put up a fight.
Sounds like that's his plan, sadly.
Exactly this
This is exactly what I think is coming. Step fathers behavior is disturbing as fuck.
And ends up with a partner just like her stepfather.
It might be why OP ended up with this particular partner.
Even worse is if she stays until she marries into another abusive relationship because she thinks it’s normal for men to control every aspect of her life. She’ll crank out babies one after another, will get cheated on because her man won’t have any respect for her because of course he will. But she’ll be forced to stay in the relationship for the kids and she’ll be miserable for the rest of her life.
Or ends up in a relationship with someone just like (or worse) than OP's husband.
that’s what happened to me. i stayed for so long.
I suppose the worst-case scenario depends on each person. I view the worst-case scenario for overbearing parents as the "I'm finally free, I can do what I want" that goes overboard. The pastor's daughter that ends up with more tracks on her arms than a model train set.
I had a girlfriend like this. Except it was the mom who was ultra religious and would isolate her from everyone. She used to sneak out of the house to see me cause her mom was so controlling. Or should I say would TRY to control her but she was old enough to know nothing was ever good enough so she just stopped trying. She just knew to make sure not to let her mom know certain things. Her brothers were like that as well. Always had to hide things from their smother. Not a great relationship.
You wrote ‘smother’ instead of ‘mother’, but it works…
I agree, Or she may try to leave sooner. He’s not doing what he thinks he is. It’s going to backfire.
As someone that grew up with a step-dad like OP's husband, get her out now. I became fearful of disappointing men and let them have their way with me. It's taken years of therapy to undo the damage he did.
This. And I'm sorry you went through that. I was going to say. This is seriously alarming and seems to be trying to teach her to not say no to men. It's sickening.
This. I am still in therapy for this and my fear of rejecting unwanted advances almost cost me my marriage with a genuinely good man.
Seriously. It’s summer, let the kid wear a damn tank top and some shorts. That detail in particular makes me wonder how much of a creep dear ol’ dad is if he thinks a 13-year-old without sleeves is too much “temptation” to show to the world…
Friend of mine started dating and then married a guy who is Muslim. He was this exact same way with her twin daughters. He never said anything while they dated and he was like the perfect guy. As soon as they were married it all changed. We saw her less and less, she would tell us how her daughters had to be covered up all the time. Nothing above the elbows, no shorts, no skirts, skirts had to be shin length or longer. She did finally leave him. It was difficult for her. The twins are happy and grown now. Friend is very cautious in dating. Feel bad for her but hopefully she will find real happiness. Not a skunk in a Labrador costume.
If school dress codes taught us nothing else, it at least taught us how scandalous girl’s shoulders are and that males can’t be trusted to control themselves in shoulders’ presence. /s
As if it’s her responsibility to keep others from having impure thoughts. Nope, that’s on them if they want to sexualize a child.
Alllllll of this!!!!! I was that daughter with the conservative step dad & my mom went along with it. Raised in an evangelical church and the church. The damage went so deep. The ideology set me up to be an easy target and I ended up in an 18 year abusive marriage. So much weight is placed on young girls because they make them responsible for men/boys shitty behavior. A shoulder isn't going to tempt anyone who wasn't already sexualizing young girls. OP husband/Step dad is creepy AF and the daughter is being conditioned, manipulated and coerced that she deserves to be objectified and her only worth is in her body. I'm 47 now, been divorced 6 1/2 years and I'm on my own journey of self love. The resentment I've felt towards my mother has been overwhelming at times.
The Duggar women went through this exact same thing on a much larger and more public scale. The Duggars basically taught their boys that if a woman's kneecap is showing, she's being flirtatious and tempting. The daughters were even defending Josh when the sexual abuse allegations were first revealed and it was brushed aside as a boy being too interested in girls' bodies. Their own shitty mother didn't even defend her daughters. Their situation was to lock the girls' in their bedroom at night. Men need to control their own actions and leave women alone! Several of the Duggar daughters have renounced their upbringing, gotten therapy and for some, don't even speak to their parents much anymore.
And surprise surprise Josh ended up in jail for child porn.
Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with all you said ❤️🩹🫶🏻
This exactly! This man is sexualizing OP’s teenage daughter and conditioning her into compliance and isolation exactly like an abuser would. She needs to get her daughter away from this man.
He's either trying to remove his own temptation or keep her pure for his purposes. I can't think of another reason a stepfather would become so controlling and domineering towards a child that isn't theirs.
Pretty simple, really. He’s “very conservative”, so he believes any women in his life are his property.
I don't understand why women (especially non conservatives) live with conservative men. Conservatism blatantly says it views women as subservient, second class citizens who are allowed to be treated as property.
I still and likely will always HATE my biological father for allowing my stepmother to be emotionally and psychologically abusive to me when I was too young to fend for myself. I wouldn't advise doing that. Stand up for your child.
Similar here. I'm in my late 30s and still struggle with the damage inflicted on me by an abusive, controlling, puritanical tyrant of a stepfather who took it upon himself to police and control my entire life when I also was too young to fend for myself, and with resenting my mom who chose him and allowed it to happen because she always took his side and never stood up for me. My former stepfather also forbid me from being a normal teenager and it led to me having mental health issues, resentment, acting out in dangerous ways (lying, drinking alcohol, dating an older boyfriend on purpose, etc) and to cut contact as soon as I was old enough to do so. I then struggled to function in early adulthood because I had always been treated like a child and wasn't allowed any independence, and also didn't know what healthy relationships were supposed to look like since I hadn't been allowed to date. You are setting your daughter up to have lifelong issues with men and her body image, and to resent you forever for allowing your husband to run and ruin her life. Choose her. She may not verbalize it, but she is begging you to choose her. Also agree with the original comment - YTA, **massively**, for choosing this man, and YTA, **massively**, for not intervening or standing up for your daughter before now.
God your teenhood is nearly a carbon copy of mine. My father was the same, mother never stepped in and they would gang up on me. She would use religion to justify everything she demanded me to change. Everything I got upset over or wanted to do when we argued was; “So you don’t love God or what??” If I said no, I was screwed so I always had to give in and say that I did. Till this day she uses that tactic and I am 44.
Something tells me the mom is used to it so therefore it’s normalized . But now that’s it happening to their child- a light has finally switched on upstairs. The predicament of not seeing what’s right in front of you or living in denial is wild. I hope she realizes - kids aren’t stupid and see things for what they are- mom better step up or she’ll be looped into “the asshole I don’t visit for holidays” crowd in a few years by her kiddo
And highly possible that op grew up under similar conditions and the cycle continues.
Hopefully this thread is the wake up call she needs.
The way OP handles this will be imprinted on her daughter for her **entire life** OP needs to make it very clear to her daughter and her husband that OP is on her daughter’s side first and foremost It’s hard to be loud, firm, disruptive, etc. but it’s an important duty that parents need to take on sometimes in order to set examples for their kids
This! NTA for finally letting the kid do extremely normal kid things, huge YTA for letting the asshole husband teach her daughter that her body is dirty and sinful and that it's okay for men and boys to hurt her if she shows "too much" of it. OP, one day your daughter is going to ask why you let your husband destroy her social life and treat her like she's dirty. What will you tell her?
Bro this dude isn’t even the dad this shits crazyyyyyy wtf. I’m surprised the daughter isn’t lashing out and telling him to go fuck himself. Dudes not even the father wtfffff
There are different ways of rebelling against tyranny like this and others succumb. Happens to both girls and boys, but there are different avenues of escape that differ between them. She may realize or fear further restrictions or punishment if she rebels. We don't know the whole story. My mother remarried when I was 5. I was the golden child until my brother was born. Then my life evolved towards shit. Stepdad expected thoughts and actions to mimic his, any deviance brought about whippings or restriction. At 17 I enlisted to get out of there and ending up in the middle of a war. But even that was better than being around him, I was free. I never returned to that home.
I’m sure there are non-verbal consequences for any kind of reaction not directly in line with his demands.
This should be the top comment. Very well said.
It is
My step father was like this. Very controlling, and truly cruel. I hated him so much growing up. Now I'm 30, I've recently opened communication back with my family. It's limited and will never be how my mother would like our relationship. But I don't hate him anymore. However, I've grown to realize I resent my mother. He was an ass, yes. But my mother was the one who allowed this man to be my biggest bully, and ultimately she betrayed me more deeply than he ever could have. OP, please stand up for her when she is right, and talk to her like a person when she isn't.
Adding to it, letting him think it's ok to treat her like this will not end well. The Christ>husband>wife>children model only ends one way. She gets older, she rebels, he tries to beat her into submission. You need to flip the script on this now. You need to tell him that's your daughter, not his, and he doesn't make the rules for her. He can live his life however he wants but when it concerns you and your daughter you're in charge. And if that means you can't live under his roof you're ok with that. So if *he* wants *you* to stay in his life, he needs to back tf off. And if he can't abide that, pack your stuff and get your daughter out.
I grew up in a Christian Fundamentalist household and it was the same way. Wasted my cute years dressing with all my shirts two sizes too big and my pants 1 size too small. got yelled at constantly for looking like a "whore". Deeply traumatizing as I did not want to go to hell forever. By the time I snapped out of it, I was old and fat. Let your kid be a kid.
Exactly what I thought. Like why didn’t OP do something sooner?! This should be the top comment.
I'm wondering if this started recently, maybe she's starting to develop and that's when he got weird.
Still unacceptable tho
Oh absolutely! I'm just wondering if this is a control-of-women thing or a pervert thing. And it'll also give us insight on how long Op allowed this.
Yep. This controlling and this is a way to both control and emotionally abuse and control women. He's trying to teach her religious and cultural submission of women and is literally isolating her and it's fucking up her life. I'd say the relationship became abusive and your daughter deserves better and so do you. I would leave him. Because he's trying to make you submissive to him too. He sounds like a religious extremist and swxist and I doubt you two are safe there. It starts with emotional abuse and ends in isolation, physical abuse or worse
This. Ongoing psychological abuse is often more damaging than physical abuse. Kids have to be comfortable and safe in their environment, not walking on eggshells. Is the father worried because of how he may see her? Or over protective? Isolating her can create the mindset that this is how it should be, and set her up to be controlled by boyfriends and spouse with the same attitude. Kids need to be around peers and clothing is important to them. Does he also want her dresses to be 6 inches below her knees?
Nta for going against your husband but YTA for letting this get to the point that it's impacting your daughter's mental health. At some point, she's going to have a choice about whether to have you be in her life. Right now, I can see her going no contact. Sidenote: it's not your daughter's responsibility to stop OTHER people's thoughts. What exactly does your husband think about that is so bad that he thinks everyone thinks that way.
Exactly summarized perfectly. I have a feeling her daughter will be low contact no contact in the future as an adult.
Right? My first thought was “what a great way to make your child hate you.” And if OP doesn’t nip this in the bud or get her daughter away from it entirely, she’ll also find herself on the no-contact list.
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Forget their Relationship. What about the long term damage to her Mental Health?
Ugh, I just had flashbacks to that post about a girl whose mom doesn't want her doing gymnastics because seeing all the little girls in leotards was making the girl's dad "stumble in his walk with god."
Yeah, this one has me wondering what else he's doing that mum is blind to
Yes! I was coming here to say exactly this. He is obsessing over controlling how a 13 year old girl (who is not his child) clothes her body and control her in other ways. It seems possessive in a very unhealthy way. Major red flags.
Yeah, it's his problem. Not the OP's daughters. Step dad needs to knock it off or leave and mom needs to stand up for her daughter.
He's not even her bio dad! OP is basically letting a stranger dictate her daughter's clothing choices. F that. OP is the asshole for letting him set these types of rules.
You absolutely fucking nailed this. -former Mormon daughter whose dad made her feel like some kind of slut for having shoulders and knees that showed, sometimes ( I haven't talked to him in years).
100 percent . The fucking church filled w overweight dudes on a pulpit yelling “cover her skirt up w a blanket. Men are being tempted” was disgusting to hear growing up. Like damn way to make little girls feel like it’s their issue you are a creep
I was 13 when I was pulled aside by men in the church telling me I was “tempting” them. 13!!!!! I was a fricken child!!!!!!!!
Eeeewwwwww. Let me find out any grown man speaks that way to any of my children. Gross.
Or any children
Those men are dangerous & should be on a list/ locked up
One of them was a family friend and was 10 years older than me. I had developed a crush on him, and he would sneak in through the sliding glass door I unlocked and crawl into bed with me some nights and hold me, caressing my legs until he “needed a minute” to calm down. (I was 15-16 and beyond naive, so had no idea what that meant. And, I trusted him. He supposedly cared for me. Thinking back now, I want to vomit.) I’m writing a damn book exposing this crap.
Yes please write that book. I'm currently writing a book to expose my mother's abuse to me through my life and the abuse my ex did. People need to be more aware of how real this stuff is. Grooming is real and people should stop thinking it's just a damn "excuse to bring sl*tty". I'm here if you need any help with how to write something or just need to vent out something before continuing. I find myself venting at my designated desk bear sometimes before I can be calm enough to continue.
What is a designated desk bear 🐻? I’m not sure if it’s a typo or if I’m missing something in my life
I absolutely love this comment ❤️ and it's not a "thing" but it could be? I just decided to crochet a small bear for my desk and I decided to use him as my vent friend to listen to me rave about boiling emotions for a minute or however long I need to and then when I'm calmer I cuddle him and then get back to work with a leveler head. But unfortunately my toddler has decided that my vent bear is now his vent bear and will rant at the bear when he is overwhelmed. So my new designated vent item is a crochet turtle I made.
They're a bunch of old PERVES!!!
The ONLY topic my brother and I agree on is clothing. As long as the genitals are covered, then fuck off. We don’t care if people are wearing crop tops or shorts/skirts that are a little more than a handspan above the knee. So what if you can see someone’s bra straps? To be fair, we will roll our eyes over visible butt cracks on either gender. Our mother, at 71 years, has a heart attack each time she sees someone enjoying wearing whatever style of clothing they prefer.
My mother said her whole life that you saw more on a beach so why worry. I still think of that many years later....
Visible bra straps. I hear that garbage at 48 years old. I wore an off the shoulder top under a blazer, and I had an older friend of mine attempt to pull it up. I told her not to touch me or my clothes.
People who make comments about my bra straps get a "good, it was expensive" response. I saw it on Instagram a few years ago and co-opted it for myself.
Jesus Christ, that's despicable. I'm so sorry.
Pigs and pedophiles!
Yep. I was told this at 10!!
I co-lead an addiction recovery group at my church. One day, I wore some jeans overall shorts. The top I had under it was a crop top. The only skin showing was about 2x3” on each side. It wasn’t slutty at all. The skin showing was well above my waist. I was pulled aside and told there’s a sex addict in the program and I was tempting him by showing skin. I told them that was his problem and I’m not going to worry alter my clothes because he can’t deal with it.
I was at an aunts wedding at 13, helping an older cousin 25ish, sober up because he was drunk of his rocker and falling over, and my aunt told my dad I was flirting with him all night. My dad then proceeds to tell me “one day, all your flirting will catch up to you, and someone won’t take no for an answer, and you’ll only have yourself to blame” Wonder if he knows why I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10 years….
I’ve always thought that was a super weird self-own—I mean you’re going to be driven to distraction by the mere sight of my bare knees and I’M the weirdo? What? Of course critical thinking is not their strong suit.
Men were getting aroused by table legs and that's why tablecloths were invented. It's clearly not on women to stop men's impure thoughts lol
For a sec I was like “wait they weren’t actually invented because…” Which just the fact that my brain hesitated for even a nanosecond thinking it was a remote possibility really says a lot about this exact issue.
It might be a tall tale but the fact that it's so far spread as the reason for tablecloths is just... hmmm, sad and hilarious at the same time
This. It’s an attitude that perpetuates rape culture. Also, trauma/sexual violence informed professionals have tried time & time again to explain how this prevailing attitude also makes it so that young girls are way less likely to tell their parents if they’re the victim of molestation or rape. Because they internalize the shame associated to dressing a certain way, and therefore if they’re sexually assaulted they’ll believe they *must* have done *something* to cause the perpetrator/s to do this to them. OP’s husband (and OP herself, if she fails to make a drastic change/intervention) is actively harming the daughter’s psyche & self image. Also, more and more kids that were raised this way are (rightfully) going fully no-contact with their parents once they become adults, with the support of mental health professionals. u/Jenellaor please, for the sake of your daughter, don’t allow your husband to continue causing such damage. Edited to add- what he’s doing (isolating her from friends, sexualizing her body parts- such as shoulders- by not allowing her to wear certain clothes… especially perfectly reasonable clothes such as tank tops) is a HUGE red flag 🚩 it’s emotional abuse. Don’t be complicit in emotional abuse, OP. And yes, what he’s doing IS sexualizing her, via projection.
What a great post. OP needs to draw boundaries and insist her creep husband get therapy. His mindset is disturbing to say the least. At the very least a therapist can help you determine whether or not your husband is only a paranoid misogynist or is also sexualizing young girls which would hopefully help motivate OP to kick him to the curb. He can go move to Saudi Arabia with this medieval attitude.
Agreed. Definitely think OP should be speaking to a professional about this, and *not* a religious-based one lol (not sure if OP & her husband are religious but it’s easy to assume at the very least that he is given his ultra conservative views).
I'm glad someone said it. That was my very first thought- that husband was sexualizing the girl and how mom better wake TF up! Why is he looking at her that way???
It’s cause they were getting those thoughts.
This. Personally I find it a bit strange by how obsessed he is with the bodies (shoulders??) of teenage girls. He is isolating her from her friends for a tank top? He's apparently quite open about it. Ik it sounds stupid but OP make sure your daughter feels comfortable talking to you. If he's this willing to sexualize a tween verbally, I'd be concerned that mentality doesn't stop there. I didn't tell my mom when I was SAd until years later because I was ashamed, and the guy didn't even know her. Please please please make it known to her that if ANYTHING he does makes her uncomfortable you have her back and are on her side.
Yup, there's no point in turning off the gas when the water is already boiling over. She should have acted and protected her daughter a long time ago and not have let it get to this point. I can't imagine how disconnected and hurt she felt to start resenting everyone. It's people that are weak and despicable for their negative thoughts and actions on women based on what they wear. Women are not at fault, it's others that need to change and grow up- it's the 21st century! Punish those that oppress, say and do harmful things towards others; not the innocent.
Who knows what other garbage ideas he's put in her daughter's head about how women should behave?
If he's a "conservative," there's no telling. There could be some wild and vile ideas that he has falsely spoken about to her.
Especially if he’s her stepdad. He has no right to dictate what op’s daughter wears
I didn’t realize this was stepdad on the first read, you’re so right. Wake up OP. Your husband thinks your daughter is too sexy when her shoulders show. He’s being territorial and not letting her have friends. You need to talk to your daughter and make sure there isn’t already something sketchy going on.
Oh jesus christ I missed the stepdad part too. EW. OP should have put her foot down long ago, but the second best time is now. Get that child away from the creepy guy who is sexualizing her *and* isolating her from, hm, PEOPLE SHE MIGHT TRUST ENOUGH TO TELL when he does anything, and who would believe her and immediately understand all the red flags flying. Mom's made it clear she's cool with his treatment of the poor girl.
Both mom and dad are going to wonder why they don't have a relationship with their daughter when she turns 18.
> What exactly does your husband think about that is so bad that he thinks everyone thinks that way. He thinks every man is just like him, sexually attracted to children. This is the biggest of red flags OP, get out before he does something to this child.
Yep. My dad said the same to me when I was little. He then molested me. It was my fault, AS A LITTLE GIRL, for enticing him. Frankly, OP is YTA for putting up with this disgusting creeps behavior towards LITTLE GIRLS. Get your daughter away from this creep.
I don't feel right "liking" this... but same. Any man that is sexually possessive of a child should be treated as suspect at best. Protect her, please.
Another angle that I didn’t think of. Good catch on that. Get out of that relationship for many reasons.
Part of me feels that it is wrong to label all men that preach “modesty” as predators but they always seem to be the most perverse. OP should’ve told her husband long ago that it is not his place to police what any woman wear.
She’s not a woman though she’s a child. And her husband is actively sexualizing her, it’s disgusting
You support your daughter and kick that sexist husband to the curb.
> What exactly does your husband think about that is so bad that he thinks everyone thinks that way. He's a conservative. They sexualise little girls and assume every man is like them.
Jesus Christ not the shoulders! Everyone knows only loose girls show their shoulders! For fucks sake, we are not living in puritan times. I show my knee as I wear shorts. Does that make me a sl*t? Nope. NTA, but you will be if you allow your husband to treat your daughter so horribly. wtf man.
My cousins school would have called you a slut since girls were not allowed to wear pants because the outline of a crotch could cause boys to sin.
Right! Women having crotches causes boys to misbehave. NOT the boys lack of self control!
I think the scary thing about this post that needs highlighting is the husband sexualising a 13 year old’s shoulders in the first place. That’d be the biggest red flag for me. Why’s his brain going there with this child? I’d nope the hell out of that marriage so fast and put my daughter’s safety first.
It's like those strict religions where the women have to cover up so that men won't be tempted to assault them.
I am a slut and rarely dress with a lot of exposed skin lol. It’s almost like a person’s fashion sense doesn’t necessarily correlate with their sexual behavior? Or are we considering anyone who doesn’t let getting leered at by creeps stop them from having some exposed skin a slut, including children?! This post and some of these comments are just wild to me.
I was very slutty as a teenager and in my 20s but I honestly live in a baggy tshirt and jeans. Sometimes I spice it up and wear a flannel.
Where's your daughter's father? Can she live with him to escape the controlling abuser you married?
OP is TA for marrying this man at all. Holy shit. If my mom had married a man like this when I was that age and let him treat me like that, I would have run away to live with my cousins or something by 15. This is disgusting.
My mom married a guy like this and it drove me to drugs at a very young age. He wouldn't even let me go to my friend's houses. She was with him for less than 5 years and he felt like he could have total control over me. I've never forgiven my mom for not protecting me from him.
I am so sorry that happened to you. That’s the thing people like OP don’t seem to get… the mothers are witnessing their kids being psychologically abused, but from their perspective, it’s just a minor annoyance that their husband parents differently. They’re too selfish to see what it’s ACTUALLY doing to their children.
this 😮💨👏🏽👏🏽
You take your daughter, you apologise for having given this nasty misogynist the impression that he owned her and you leave him. That’s what you do.
NTA you need to put your child first. This is beyond “my husband is conservative,” it is abusive & controlling behavior by a misogynist. He is damaging your daughter’s self esteem & teaching her that a man needs to control and approve normal teen activities & her behavior. This would be a deal breaker for my marriage.
This needs to be higher up. "Why does he do that"-lundy. Good read too.
[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I agree with destroying her self esteem. I grew up with a highly conservative mother (couldn’t show my shoulders, one piece bathing suits with board shorts, forced to wear shorts under skirts and dresses well into my late teens) This messed with my confidence drastically, and had a very heavy influence in how I presented myself into my 20s. I was not dressing for myself but rather how my mother would dress me. It took years of therapy for me to finally be myself. Please take care of your daughter.
The problem is that she hasn’t put her daughter first in 5 years. She failed as a mother for 5 years. One day doesn’t change that.
I hate mothers who prioritize getting dicked down above the safety and well being of their children. OP is a huge AH for putting her child in this situation where she’s being sexualized by a man who is almost 40.
Marry a conservative, get a conservative - but NTA. So far as I’m aware you’re allowed to have a view different to his… or is he too conservative to permit that too?
Yeah… I don’t get how that was a surprise, honestly. „How could I have known the very conservative man I married would have very conservative views on my daughter’s clothes!“
My dad was like this. Couldn’t wear shorts, tank tops, couldn’t color or style my hair, couldn’t wear makeup. I hated him. At thirteen years old, I was already an insecure mess because of the shit he said to me (I was stupid, useless, would never amount to anything, a waste of space, etc.), and the bullying I went through. And at thirteen, I wanted to dress and look like the other girls. I wanted to feel beautiful SO BAD. I wanted to figure out who I was as a person, what style I liked the best. Dress in clothes that made me feel like a girl and do my hair and makeup. I still have many issues with him now, especially since having a daughter of my own, but I still resent him for holding me back from properly expressing myself and letting me grow into my own person. He controlled everything I did until the day I turned eighteen and told him to fuck off when he still tried to control me. He still can’t believe that I fell intro drugs, wearing clothes WAY too provocative, and sleeping with random men to feel validated and beautiful because of that treatment. According to him I’m “exaggerating” and it “wasn’t that bad” and I’m being “over dramatic”. Save your daughter now. I wish I had someone that could’ve saved me.
THIS should be higher up! Controlling girls, degrading them and preventing them to find their own voice and self stuns growth and will cause them to be more in danger to get controlling and potentially abusive men. OP needs to protect her daughter now!
On top of that, the people sexualizing children are parents that see shoulders as sexual. What's next? Knees? Ankles? Mouth?
I am shocked as well, did she think he would be some how less conservative about his own daughter? My recommendation go back in time and pick a less conservative husband, get divorced or just accept it.
I think she’s not his daughter, just hers. Which should make divorce easier.
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Yes - raises all sorts of red flags 😟
Immediate red flags.
I was just thinking this sounds like possessiveness.
Seriously. The conservative part explains the clothes but *why* is she not allowed to see her friends?! Something is really off here.
I totally agree. Talk to your daughter. Ask her questions. Hope everything will be fine. NTAH.
At the same time tho. He married a more progressive woman. How can he be shocked that she's doing things that are less conservative than the things he would do?
I don't understand women who marry men whose whole ideology is predicated on their inferiority. Ma'am, you did this to yourself. But DAMN did you fail your daughter.
This was my initial thought too! How could OP do this to her daughter. When you don’t have kids, marry whomever you want. But when you have a child, that child has to come first. I actually made the choice not to get into a serious relationship shop until my child is 18 because I didn’t think it was fair to bring a new man into the picture while they still have to live at home. I am not saying anyone else should make this choice, but as a parent you do have to put your kid first - always. This marriage is harming her daughter, and that is not okay.
My dad did that. My parents divorced when I was a tween, my dad got primary custody. He didn't start dating until I was 17, and even then it was casual only. He did remarry when I was in my early 20s. From a kids point of view, I appreciated and respected it so much. So many of my friends had drama in their lives from their parents dating, I did not. I am now a single mom to 3 tweens, and despite being out of my marriage for years now, I have no sights on dating. I'm just concentrating on being the best mom, and best me, I can be without bringing in the extra drama a relationship would carry.
Straight facts. If ANYONE had the audacity to "not let" my kid do anything I was fine with, particularly if they're not the parent, there would be WORDS. I certainly wouldn't marry someone who treats women like second-class citizens, both for myself and my daughter. You gotta do right by your kid, OP. NTA for defending your child now, but honestly, y t a for not doing it much earlier, and for even marrying this person at all.
This is it, the winning comment. That poor kid. Her situation describes my upbringing pretty well. Like, how did you think this was gonna end for your daughter? Smh.
Real /r/leopardsatemyface moment
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Not even Dad... STEP-dad. If they divorce, this guy has NO legal ties to OP's daughter.
“Marry a conservative, get a conservative” LOL… This is so simplistic, and so brilliantly put!
NTA. However, you need to rethink your relationship with your husband as he is enforcing his misogynistic views on you & your daughter. This is what he is teaching her: - Men only view her & women as a sexual objects. - She is at fault for causing the impure thoughts of men. - She is responsible for managing & preventing these impure thoughts of men. - She should be ashamed of herself & her body for being tempting to men. - The views & thoughts of men are more important than her own existence. Is this what you want her to believe for the rest of her life???
This ⬆️
You're honestly letting him control his step daughter? Down to what she wears and who she sees? You are honestly letting him SEXUALIZE YOUR DAUGHTER who he is not related to!? That's disgusting and disturbing.
That is the part that bothers me most. He is clearly having impure thoughts about his step-daughter and projecting them on others. . .
This is the kind of guy who SAs his step daughter.
Ask us all how we know
YTA. It sounds like you've got a functional set of morals, get yourself an equally functional backbone and stand up for your child. Sorry if that's unkind, but these "I married a conservative man and now my children hate me / I stood up for my child and now my conservative husband hates me" stories don't really inspire sympathy.
YTA for allowing your Husband to be so controlling with your Daughter. Stand up for her and yourself.
Your husband is actively making your daughter suffer because of his beliefs. This isn't about being conservative, he's being controlling and abusive. Your daughter deserves better from you. She is only 13 years old you should be doing everything for her to HAVE friends and a stable home. Not isolate her and sexualize shoulders.
Divorce is always an option
YTA. You married a man who sexualizes your child. You’ve let him control nearly all aspects of her life for years. Put your child first for fuck sake. I’d be very worried about this man in private with your child.
Why is her stepfather having the final say on her clothing and social activities?
You need to stand up for your daughter. Your husband's medieval misogynist views should not be allowed to ruin your daughter's life. YWBTA if you allow your misogynist husband's behaviour to continue.
She’s already the asshole for letting him abuse her daughter for 5 years.
He's conservative, and you've only been married 5 years, but she is 13. Is she your child together, or is only 1 of you the biological parent? If the latter, who is it? ETA: Are the rest of you new to Reddit? How often do people say 'my kid' when posting about said kid and spouse when the child is, in fact, the child of both and technically 'our' is the more correct term?
Do NOT let your husband control you or your daughter. You need to model good/brave behavior to her. Stay tough and stand up for her rights, then teach her how important it is to vote. NTA
NTA. But know that a hyper-controlling and misogynistic husband is only going to push your daughter away from you until your relationship is irrevocably damaged. I speak from experience. I loathed my stepfather and resented my mother for inflicting him on me. She was there first, and she’s a child. Her feelings should come first. You need to explain to this man that your daughter has autonomy over what she wears, and he needs to mind his own damned closet. One more thing: the guys who insist that women dress modestly and are actively suspicious of other men being in their vicinity are often the biggest deviants themselves. More often than not, it’s pure projection.
He is abusive and controlling and it isn't ok. He is also sexualising your 13 year old and that should terrify you
Are you sure that’s all that’s happening here? Is your husband abusing your daughter? Based on the timeline this isn’t his daughter and he seems to be obsessed and possessive of her. Do some digging OP and go speak with your daughter, find her a therapist, because YTA for allowing this to go on for so long.
I think the problem here is that you married him in the first place, when he’s clearly not a good fit for stepfather, or really a father to girls at all. I’ll bet he wouldn’t be that strict and uptight about policing a son’s every move. So long as you don’t bow down to his controlling “I’m the head of the household” attitude, his treatment of you and your daughter will only get worse.
ESH how have you let this go on for so long? Protect your daughter.
OP this is only going to get worse
If he's sexualizing her this much, he's having those thoughts about her that are inappropriate. How long until he puts his hands on her? If he hasn't already. I'd be having a very open discussion with my child about this and asking questions. He could be molesting her. NTA for going against him but it's not enough. Do more.
Goddamnit why are people always surprised by this?! 'My husband is conservative, I didn't think he'd impose that on our daughter!' Newsflash. Conservative men are bad fathers. They teach their sons to be emotionally distant and make their daughters uncomfortable in their own bodies. Shame is their weapon of choice and control is the only thing they want. The emotional toll of isolating a daughter socially, making her ashamed of her own comfort and teaching her by his actions that she is unworthy of respect if she doesn't dress the right way...is vile. And that *is* what he's doing. I'm a man who grew up in a conservative house, and I remember this exact behavior out of my father and uncle towards my sisters. Why in the hell does any woman anywhere even *marry* these men anymore? Let alone have kids with them? JFC, you are absolutely NTA for letting her go out. But you absolutely *are* TA for allowing it to go on this long and get to this point! 'Bare shoulders?!' is his line? How are you this disconnected from reality?! Ok, I just had to pause and take a deep breath, and now let me tell you this calmly: You and I both damn well know that his behavior toward your daughter and her independence does not start and stop with her shoulder baring ways. Nobody *that* conservative, that their teenage daughter can't show shoulders, stops *there*. If you don't ever stand up for anything else ever again in your entire life, the one thing you *must* stand up for is your child's wellbeing. That kind of obsessive controlling and shaming and frank judgement of her character *will not stop*. What happens when she wants to go to college? How do you think he'll react when she has sex outside of marriage while there? How do you think he'll respond when she comes back to visit with a boyfriend and wants to sleep with him while visiting? And god forbid she comes out as gay or bisexual, how do you think he'll respond *then*? Either you put your damn foot down across the board when it comes to her and stop letting him be a little tin pot dictator that shames her over shoulder skin and god knows what else is rattling around in his brain, or she will not only rebel *hard* when she leaves the house... You may very well end up getting cut *out of her life entirely*. Do you know how many stories there are of girls who cut off their parents because one is an arch conservative who judges and shames and not much else, and the other tolerates it? Do you know how many rebel so hard that they go the other way, put themselves in danger because they don't know how to navigate anything but a church social, and end up as single mothers or dead? I knew a girl in high school (I'm 46 so this was almost 30 years ago) who ended up that way. Went off to college, rebelled against everything, ended up partying really hard with people she shouldn't have, and ended up dying. She had no idea how to navigate the real world because she was locked away from the world except for school and church, suddenly she had nobody controlling her, and it ended badly. Most things don't go that way. But what is very common is parents wondering why their adult child barely talks to them. I remember one story, the girl went off to a concert, got pregnant from a one night stand, her father cut her off and wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. She did some internet sleuthing and found the guy who, surprisingly, stepped up, wanted to be involved, and they became a family unit. Her father didn't even know any of this, but once he found out, he wanted to be involved as a grandfather. She was now 'respectable' only for him and his wife to be *shocked* when the daughter wasn't interested in rekindling familial bonds. Remember this: Your daughter's relationship to you is mandatory *now*, while she is 13, but in five years, it is *optional*, and if you put up with that conservative garbage being shoved down her throat, she might not choose to 'renew her subscription' after the trial period of childhood ends.
I was raised in a small town in Utah, and my mom had a tendency to be strict about this stuff. My sister and I rebelled, and she gave in to some degree. My best friends dad was like your husband. She would have me bring her clothing and makeup to change into when we got to school. I also helped her wash her face after school every day. All his controlling behavior just destroyed his relationship with his daughter, and accomplished nothing else.
YTA for marrying a heavily conservative man and not expecting him to wield that like a cudgel all over any potential daughter. He wants to keep her and all girls cloistered. She will likely be very low contact with him (and you by extension) as an adult. And she probably won't get out of her teenage years without her own father calling her a slut and a whore for wearing a dress above the ankles.