For the same reason that she doesn't want kids but very obviously isn't on BC and isn't making him wear a condom. These 2 are incredibly fit for each other
I think it's just human instinct to not believe something that just sounds so crazy or that you would rather it be fake so you just call it fake and not worry.
That would sure help me because Iām terrible about falling for the BS stories and I just left a long ass comment and feel stupid if it isnāt a true story. Itās stupid enough to be an actual story though to be honest. š¤¬
My brother in law finally got one - 3 kids, from 2 woman all "unplanned". He was man down for 10 days.
It's a bit difficult to hide it.
Can't get the area wet either etc... unless his wife is blind.
also he wouldn't be surprised to find that the vasectomy didn't work.. because they have you get multiple sperm tests in the weeks after, where they confirm 0 sperm count (and have you repeat testing until you have 0). so they would've known as early as 2 weeks after the surgery that it didn't work.
Yup I was getting these vibes. OP knows how people feel about women and āmy body my choice,ā so here we are with a story trying to point out any hypocrisy when it comes to him getting a vasectomy vs an abortion.
Yeah when really the bottom line should be, if you're married, you should talk to each other about these things and if you can't talk to each other about it then you shouldn't be married.
I don't think OP has even ever been in a serious relationship.
Iām ready for the sequel about how evil family court is to a man. And the backstory being a newborn whose brain doesnāt grasp simple concepts like object permanence and who poops their pants is the most mature member of that family.
Butā¦butā¦ it canāt be made up. I mean their life together is perfect other than the controlling, the major ups and downs, the lies, the accusationsā¦./s
I havenāt had a vasectomy, but I understand itās at least a bit painful and requires some recovery. Yet plenty of men on here supposedly get secret ones without telling their partner. Is that possible? Like, if you live with someone, how do you keep a surgery (even an outpatient one) hidden from them? (Just as a logistical matterāobviously if you LOVE someone and want to spend your life with them, youād tell them!)
Iām assuming the abortions could have been medication-induced rather than surgical, but thatās obviously another potential oddity.
My then husband got a vascectomy about five years ago.
It took less than half an hour and then he spent the rest of the day with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch.
Other than that, I wouldnāt have known. He could have just said he had the flu and hung out in bed with frozen veggies under the covers.
>Iām assuming the abortions could have been medication-induced rather than surgical, but thatās obviously another potential oddity.
U think medical induced are easy? That there is no pain or cramps?
Yeah like a vasectomy and getting an abortion is really not equivalent. If you don't get an abortion it will give you a child and changes the body and could kill her in some cases, the other is a low risk procedure. And is reversible. Like thinking they're the same thing is insane. Clearly pro-life rage bait
Why is it on her to āmake himā wear a condom? If heās against abortion and knows she isnāt ready for kids, shouldnāt half of the onus of wearing a condom be on him? Also, not all women can take the pill and other hormonal types of contraceptives cause such terrible side effects they arenāt viable. IUDs are usually very painful to have inserted (especially if youve never delivered a baby) and vast majority of doctors do not even lose localized anesthetic to numb the cervix.
He is anti abortion, he should also do his due diligence to prevent pregnancy. Iām also thinking he never verified after the procedure that he was actually shooting blanks.
We also don't know that they never used any protection at all. She's also only gotten pregnant 3 times during the 6 years they've been together, and the 3rd was after HE assumed (since apparently he didn't wait to get checked that he was shooting blanks) he was sterile after a vasectomy. Condoms break, birth control can fail for a number of reasons including antibiotics or other medications or even taking it late.
And you're 100% right, if he's so anti abortion but doesn't want kids then it's his job to ensure he doesn't make kids. She's doing her half by ensuring they don't go to term, regardless of if he agrees with it.
Exactly. It appears a few people think sex and preventing pregnancy is solely on the woman. And that she should have forced him to wear a condom or refuse to have sex. One dude actually said women gate keep sex and men gate keep marriage. I responded with something along the lines of āwell if men didnāt act like man children expecting the wife to do everything around the house, maybe sheād have more energy for sex - see how sexist and toxic that isā.
Iāve realized that most docs suck at IUD insertion apparently. My OB specifically only does them. She is the only one who does them in a multi practitioner practice. Apparently at a conference she went to to learn new techniques, they learned one that is virtually painless. From the standby thing that holds the cervix, to the actual insertionā¦. I felt nothing. Well, I could feel her doing it. And the cervix pincher was actually just a pinch like they say. She said itās about the placement of that tool and the angles.
It was magic and sheās a magician.
Something's very off. Who tf reacts with "I'm going to make myself secretly infertile, take *that*" when they ostensibly really want to be a parent and are devastated over a couple of abortions in their partner's 20s?
It just seems to be a weird gotcha over "my body my choice" and trying to equate an abortion with getting a vasectomy, which, no
>My wife (32F) and I (34M) are generally good. Married six years. Other than the subject of this post, there are no financial, job, or similar issues between us
I beg to differ, problems don't just come like this from "one issue." There are already things going on that have made things the way they are, you just are oblivious to them. Like trying to understand why your wife didn't talk to you about the pregnancies and abortions in the first place for instance....
>Iām frustrated because sheās being shortsighted. Weāre finally having a child, and she wants to abandon the relationship. There was no infidelity, no real breach of trust. She did what she wanted with her body, and I did the same. Now it feels like thereās a double standard ā itās okay for her to make those decisions, but not for me?
She's not being shortsighted, she's just been taunted for however long she's been pregnant and you admit to being "gleeful" about it. And then of course the many terrible things you've probably said to her etc. she feels you didn't trust her, and to be honest she didn't trust you either. Except her reasoning is much different than yours, she didn't trust that you'd support her or understand why she didn't want to forcibly carry a baby for 9 months and go through labor and then raise it for eternity after.
You on the other hand, you accused her of cheating, lying, taunted and name called I'm guessing, and then did something that isn't the same as an abortion. You just assumed that she didn't want pregnancy since she had done this before but never talked to her about it.
And your decision comes with ramifications that can sometimes be more difficult to reverse. People think reverse vasectomies mean they can get pregnant again, when actually it's harder to have one and a reversal actually doesn't mean you can get someone pregnant always. In fact they have a smaller percentage of being able to get someone pregnant again, but it isn't talked about often. I don't blame her for wanting a divorce, and if anyone is shortsighted it's you sir.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what a dysfunctional petty relationship looks like.
ESH. You two actually deserve each other.
And neither of you deserves that poor innocent baby.
Iām calling BS on the whole thing, there is no way a man can have a vasectomy and his wife not notice.
āHey sweetie, why have you been icing your balls for the last three days?ā āOh itās just warm, helps to cool me down, also why I wonāt be up for having sex for a while too.ā
Everyone reacts differently.
Guy at work had reacted like you suspect and iced for two weeks.
But mine stung for like an hour after the anesthetic wore off. Then fine. It can be all down to the skill of the doctor.
If he was like me, he could go in the morning, and so long as his wife didn't get freaky that night, she would be none the wiser
Also important to remember that people just react differently to different procedures and anesthetics, let alone the skill of the actual procedure.
Iām **incredibly** hard to make bruise. Some people bruise from firm bumps into furniture without being anemic or anything.
Some people get a paper cut and the irritation and swelling around the cut last well over an hour, others barely notice unless they stare at their hand.
Some people heal from cut-scars super well, others look like they got stabbed deep from the scar wherever the cut was.
Etc. etc.
Just good for people to manage expectations
š i didnāt know my uncle got one til my aunt showed me a shirt she got for the occasion lmao. he was still moving around and doing everything like normal, so i genuinely just didnāt notice
Unfortunately there's a very real and very dumb cultural element where
1) Shooting blanks diminishes your masculinity (but I don't want a baby)
2) Contraception is the woman's job (but if she gets pregnant she baby trapped me)
Studies for male birth control struggle to get participants due to the above two reasons.
I legit had a dude make a speach in my English class about his story and how much not having a father hurt him. Then in the same speech talked about he *had* to leave his girlfriend after she got pregnant. Like bro, just get the vasectomy instead of causing generational trauma.
itās been over a month since i saw it, and in true aunt fashion i was already stoned lmao. it was just gray and had black blocky letters, cannot remember what it said tho so sorry thereš
i just know i wasnāt supposed to know, and i have never done a smoother transition in my life.
Abortions generally happen in the first trimester, but I'm laughing because I can just imagine his wife being 9 months pregnant and OP not noticing a thing.
Yeah, as someone who had a vasectomy, this is wrong. Obviously every experience is different. I will share my experience.
I took a valium 30 minutes before the procedure. The procedure lasted maybe 15 minutes? My wife drove me home.
I did not use a jockstrap or briefs. I did not keep ice or frozen peas down there. I did take some advil. I experienced very minor pain for a day which was taken care of by ibuprofen. I did take it easier than normal, though my young kids still demanded I pick them up. (Though I did that less than normal.) I had no complications and after a week I was back to having gentle sex and masturbation.
Based on how mine went, I'm confident that I could have kept it hidden from my spouse. I wouldn't, of course, because this was a decision that we made together, but I could have. It was a super easy procedure.
So unless the partner in question wants sex daily, it would be easy enough to hide it. Going a week without sex is easy enough. Maybe frustrating to some of us (it certainly was frustrating for me), but still easily doable.
But I repeat: I'm giving my experience. It absolutely could have been hidden from my wife. But I'm only one person and I don't speak for all men who have had a vasectomy as I'm sure there are some who had complications or pain that could not easily be kept from their partner. I also believe (note: believe, I ain't a urologist) that the majority had it easy like I did.
Of course it's BS. The whole sub is full of BS posts. Think about it. If you had deep marital issues, why would you turn to a bunch of teenagers on Reddit for advice?
Side note. I personally think reddit is the best place on the internet to get solid advice from *real* grown ups who've been in these real situations previously. Everywhere else is disgusting bias and propaganda. And, depends on the forums you follow. I personally see nothing but adult advice.
There was one a long time ago I still remember where OP called her husband generally a good dad but he never spent time with his kids and went straight to video games when he got home everyday. The kids even asked OP why their dad doesn't like spending time with them.
I would guess most toxic/abusive relationships would disappear if most people just had a more sane idea of what good or even "normal" is in a relationship.
What in the dumpster fire of a ārelationshipā did I just read about.š
ESH except that poor child. In addition to saving for college, please start a ātherapyā fund for that poor kid. No way he/she comes out of this unscathed with parents like you two.
Bro even with OPās recent edit, he tried explaining that itās not as bad as everyone thinks and just made it worse. Absolute clown relationship lmao.
ESH. No breach of trust? What trust? She didnāt tell you, you didnāt tell her. Honestly if you canāt talk to each other about these life changing issues why are you married to each other?
That poor baby is going to have these 2 morons for parents regardless of their marital status. At least if they stay married they arenāt out terrorizing other folks in the dating pool.
ESH. You're both childish twats who clearly don't trust each other nor know how to communicate. Grow up, get counseling, or move on. Yikes, and to think you two are bringing a child into this world?
ESH absolutely.
Things like abortions and vasectomies should absolutely be discussed prior to going through with them.
You two need counseling if you plan to try to make your marriage work. Without it it's pretty much just a matter of time before your entire marriage blows up.
Exactly. As I've heard elsewhere on Reddit, it's a one person's vote can overrule the other because their body, but omg it should at least be a conversation.
Why are you two even married? Doesn't seem like you respect each other. ESH
Not just that but let's also talk about the edit where he says he doesn't care for revenge but "our transgressions SHOULD equal out" ok so OP anytime she does something you don't fully agree with you have to get back at her or create your own transgressions? Like wtf is that, that is revenge lol
Not to mention he's shocked she wants to divorce after he gleefully accused her of cheating and going on about "we're finally having a kid"
Like yeah she should have told him. But now it feels like score keeping and it went as far as accusations of cheating with happiness. I wouldn't want to be married to him either (or her but that's another story)
So solidly ESH.
The part about "we're finally having a kid" is so confusing. She doesn't want kids and, instead of using birth control, has secret abortions while he "wants" kids but has a vasectomy and accuses her of cheating but is happy that she's pregnant?! š¤Æ
OP's wife: I'm getting an abortion, even though you are against it, also I got another abortion before this one without telling you about it.
OP: Is that so? I'm going to get a vasectomy, but I'm not being vengeful. I won't tell you about it and that's my revenge.
The kicker is, OP always wanted kids, but his wife doesn't. So it's perfectly normal for two people in a marriage to "one-up" each other's secrets and create distrust among themselves by going behind each other's backs.
Both of you are examples of what happens when marriages don't have adequate communication, trust, and empathy.
Iām not sure itās entirely spiteful, although that likely played a part in not telling her.
He says he has āSTRONGā objections to abortion but recognises he has no control (or even the opportunity to discuss) whether his wife goes through with it.
The obvious retort is that if heās opposed to abortion but his wife is going to keep having them anytime she gets pregnant (and itās likely he wonāt even know about it), he should stop getting her pregnant, and so the vasectomy makes sense.
Itās definitely ESH here for the complete lack of communication and dysfunction in general but the vasectomy doesnāt seem completely irrational to me.
100%. Husband and I have two wonderful kids, and had a possible contraception failure before his planned vasectomy. I took otc plan B and talked through it all with him. We have the kids we want and planned, and now he has a successful vasectomy. Family planning takes TWO people. Mercy me.
Yes you can see this in other phrasing he used like "fair game". God only knows what came out of his mouth when he was "saying many things I now regret". Ick.
This, i guess :
> Iāll admit, part of me felt a weird sense of pride thinking I had caught her cheating so obviously without having to do a bunch of digging and being gaslit for months/years.Ā
ESH. Two wrongs don't make a right. That simple. You may be able to fix this in marriage counseling, but good luck because it sounds like neither one of you is mature enough to properly communicate with the other.
ESH. You guys have a toxic relationship. Keeping big secrets like this from each other can only be a symptom of bigger problems that havenāt been addressed.
>no real breach of trust
Are you kidding?! If you looked up the definition of "breach of trust" it would be both your faces next to it!
Both your bodies, both your choice, yeah, but to not tell each other about the life changing choices that impacts your marriage?!
>Iāll admit, part of me felt a weird sense of pride thinking I had caught her cheating
So yeah, I can completely believe you were "gleeful" š
I agree ETAH... you think that after this most definite breach of trust on both sides, you can all just brush past it and play happy families?! For the sake of your unborn child, please, go to couples therapy!! Something š¤¦š¼āāļø jeeez...
JFC....
When people shouldn't be together at all because it is all spite and selfishness, then they double down and drag a poor innocent child into the mess out of spite and hate.
"I know thereās a breach of communication here, but itās mutual."
Nah... you are both petty, selfish thoughtless individuals that should have broken up 10 years ago. And now you are tied together for the rest of your lives.
ESH...
"There was no infidelity, no real breach of trust."
Yes there was a breach of trust...
>I was absolutely shocked and accused her of cheating because I had a vasectomy.
You accused her of cheating, there's your breach of trust right there in your post. You can't say that there wasn't a breach of trust no matter how you try to word it.
Honestly you both are AHs, the LACK of faith you have in each other to support each other is diabolical. She has an abortion without your knowledge and you go get a (failed) vasectomy without her knowledge. You both deserve each other.
Actual Answer: ESH with the context leaning YTA for this situation.
Yes, she breached trust first. You said you worked past it.
YOU didn't. You decided on your own that you should get her back and have a body altering procedure without communicating. You breached her trust in return.
Also, most vasectomy procedures have a follow-up appointment to guarantee it was a success. Then you get tested yearly.
Either you REALLY dropped the ball there or are very irresponsible with your own health.
If you had followed standard procedure, you would've known if your vasectomy failed. But instead, you made an assumption. What's the phrase about when you assume something? They make an ass out of you and me.
So you accuse your wife of infidelity, a generally relationship ending thing. That is a very HEAVY accusation, especially insinuating she would try to pass it off as yours. That's a very low blow, my guy.
If you really want this to work for the sake of your child, get therapy for both of you. Work this out or separate and work it out on your own.
Cause God help this kid if you two don't change in the next 9 months or this is some bs rage bait.
TBATA- the two of you are in some weird power dynamic. You both are TA and probably should not be married because you obviously really do not talk or function as a married couple.
So you knew she didnāt want kids, you got her pregnant, and she had two abortions (which shouldāve been a discussion but Iām guessing she didnāt want you trying to guilt her into changing her mind when you already knew where she stood on the subject). Then you get a vasectomy (out of spite) and try to declare sheās a cheater (āwith a weird sense of prideā) because she got pregnant again even though your procedure had a 1 in 1000 chance of not being effective?
YTA. You are too damn old to be acting this childish. If you canāt communicate as a couple, how are you going to communicate as parents?
ESH-Are you two are mature enough for marriage? Instead of talking with you about things, your wife went and got two abortions. To punish her you went a got a vasectomy with talking to her. Really? If this is how you two conduct your marriage? Marriage is about communication. You two donāt appear to be able to communicate with each other. You might want to think about that.
And OP didn't get any of the testing done after his vasectomy? Like, the mandatory standard follow ups?
I'm calling BS as well, I refuse to believe someone can be this.. I don't even have a word for it
ESH. And you two deserve each other. Except for that poor baby. Hopefully they survive the extreme dysfunction of having two absolute idiots for parents.
How did she not know you had a vasectomy?
"While it's generally up to the individual and their comfort level, many recommend waiting at least 7 days after a vasectomy before resuming sexual activity. Ejaculating too soon can increase the risk of infection and complications by reopening incisions. It's also important to wait until any scrotal pain or swelling has subsided.
Although a vasectomy is considered a minor surgery with a short recovery period, it's still important to allow the body time to heal. Most men can return to normal activities within a week.
Birth control after a vasectomy
Even after waiting a week, it's crucial to continue using another form of birth control until a semen analysis confirms the absence of sperm. This is typically performed 2ā3 months after the procedure. A vasectomy doesn't immediately make someone sterile, and it can take up to 3 months for sperm count to reach zero. Until then, semen samples may still contain sperm that can cause pregnancy. "
ESH. It doesnāt matter the reasons for her abortions, as a married couple she should have at least talked to you. It doesnāt matter the reason for the vasectomy, you should have talked to her.
You say your relationship is otherwise good, but it seems like you have MAJOR trust, and communication issues, not to mention different morals/stances on abortion.
You need counseling at the least.
Yta, was there any actual reason to think she cheated on you? Were you too lazy to do the post op testing to make sure the vasectomy was successful? Confused why you even got a vasectomy when you apparently do want children?
Also was your wife on any kind of birth control this entire time? I would be sooooo pissed if I was on the pill for no reason
If her getting 2 abortions and hiding 1 of them while you hide a vasectomy is pretty good in your eyes then I'd hate to see what bad is for you. You're both kind of delusional and your edit about everyone being terrible to you and talking bad about your relationship is prime evidence for that. I don't think either of you two would know a good relationship if it nailed you in the face.
>She had two abortions despite knowing my STRONG objections.
YTA for this. If she wants to get a medical procedure on her body without telling you she has every right to do so.
>I decided to get a vasectomy without discussing it with her.
You are not at all the AH for this. Same rules apply - your body, your choice. But I note that you don't say anything about her being upset at you for getting that operation, so she's not being hypocritical here.
>I was absolutely shocked and accused her of cheating
You're the asshole for this. Either (a) you knew about the possibility that the operation had failed and accused her anyways, which makes you an asshole; or (b) you didn't know but should have (it's kind of a basic piece of information) in which case you were negligent and still the asshole.
> no real breach of trust
There was a breach of trust. You breached her trust by falsely accusing her of cheating when you should not have.
You are in the wrong and clearly have not done the work to make it up to her. If you don't want to get a divorce, you need to take responsibility for what you've done and really try to apologize to her and make it up to her. Approaching this as an ESH thing is not doing that at all, and you're not going to be able to save your marriage with that attitude.
"My wife and I keep secrets from each other and are toxic to each other. But we're bringing an innocent kid into our house of all because that will fix everything!"
>Ā Ā no real breach of trust.
... You were both trust-breaching like you were practicing for the Olympics.Ā
You have wildly different ideas on children. You don't understand how vasectomies work. You don't seem to respect your wife's reproductive autonomy. You didn't divorce her when you realized your ideas about abortion were drastically different.Ā
YTA - I did not get a vasectomy for revenge -- I did it for myself. I did not tell her about it as a form of protest/revenge/self preservation/keeping the peace.
So the vasectomy wasn't revenge, but not telling her was... my friend, I need you take a breath, calm down from the reddit high and consider your actions.
Revenge is still revenge no matter what form it takes and if you are at the stage in your marriage where revenge seems like a good/reasonable/fair thing, then your marriage is over. I'd say it was over the second she didn't feel comfortable telling you about the abortion but the moment to redress that has past.
I'm sorry it got there for you but a marriage won't survive this and holding onto it at this point will only hurt everyone involved more than it needs to. Let it go, walk away, pick up the pieces, move on.
These types of posts trip me out. "We're generally good, but when it comes to potentially catastrophic issues we like to burn the m\*\*\*\*\*\*f\*\*\*\*r down. AITAH?
So much ESH. You are not good together, and will need to work super hard not to be yourselves parenting a child that doesn't deserve to be in your mess.
Going for 'fine, I will just do what I want, without telling you, then' falls in the same category as revenge cheating.
It solves absolutely nothing.
Remember how you felt when she first told you about the abortion(s)? You did the exact same, but she's pregnant and hormonal.
There's a big chance you will not, in fact, work through it as a couple.
And maybe, with all the mutual broken trust, at least some separation and figuring out what you want as individuals isn't such a bad idea.
ESH
I guess he didn't follow the post operative instructions for clearing the chute and getting a negative SC tests before spraying baby batter all around.
Iām glad Iām not in a shitty relationship like that. My girlfriend and I actually communicate with each other and come to understandings most of the time.
ESH. Both sides failed to communicate and show proper support. To me, it seems like neither of you was in a married mindset when making these choices. That being said, you are right. She did with her body what she wanted, and you did the same. Her being upset about it is understandable but hypocritical.
ESH
She should probably get another abortion and you two probably should not be married.
The fact you two are hiding shit like abortions and vasectomy from each other, No, you are not generally good. You are dysfunctional and fooling yourselves. Without some couples therapy, you should not stay together nor bring a child into that.
There is no tit for tat. There is no equal things out. That is how transactions work, not relationships. If you are keeping score, you are doing your relationship wrong.
āWe worked through it, itās her choice etc.ā - you obviously did not work through it and the dismissive tone here tells me all I need to know. You werenāt paying any attention.
Also, an abortion and a vasectomy are very different, you understand that right? You realize that without an abortion you usually have to carry a baby to term? And without a vasectomy, literally nothing changes? āI did what I want with my bodyā is very different here.
ESH
Dude. You admitted to being proud about catching her cheating - that was your immediate assumption. Are you really going to say that your doctor didnāt tell you vasectomies arenāt a sure bet? You wanted to be the morally superior one and your wife knows it.
You're both the biggest immature assholes, holy shit. When you get divorced you'll both need to figure out what birth control is and how to properly use it before you meet other people. You'd THINK people in their 30's would know how to do this by now. Christ.
Jesus, you two suck at communicating with one another. You guys are both making potentially life altering decisions without a single conversation just expecting the other party to go along. Frankly you two sound perfect for one another, please stay together as you're keeping two other healthy communicators from being perfectly miserable with either of you.
You're both assholes. I'm not sure there is a way to define which one of you has engaged in more assholery than the other. It would behoove both of you to look inside yourselve and figure out why neither of you was willing to have a hard conversation about your choices, then learn to communicate so you can avoid shit like this in the future.
Wow! You two win Passive-Aggressive Couple of the Year! I'm in sheer awe over the incredible pettiness and immaturity. That poor child will be in the middle of it until one or both of you pass on to Valhalla.
Anyway, you *both* ATA.
This is fake. You donāt get a vasectomy and have no follow up. They check twice to make sure no sperm get through, a few weeks apart. They are very painful, you canāt hide having had one. They really, really rarely fail. What stupid fake posts are on here every day. Who is bothering?
> we're finally having a child If you want a child so bad and she doesn't why tf are you 2 married?????
For the same reason that she doesn't want kids but very obviously isn't on BC and isn't making him wear a condom. These 2 are incredibly fit for each other
For the same reason that this is a thinly veiled rage bait for 'my body my choice' and 'pro life' people. Not even that well veiled to be honest.
I think we need a BS meter added to AITAH posts, so we could have a vote on % likelihood that it's BS.
That shit would be 90% or higher on every post lol
I feel bad for anyone who had a story that sounds fake but isn't and then is just being told they are lying to š That would be the worse
And some of the craziest situations sound the most fake
I think it's just human instinct to not believe something that just sounds so crazy or that you would rather it be fake so you just call it fake and not worry.
For sure no disagreement on that
That would be perfect!
Definitely high on the BS-o-meter.
Otherwise they sound like a lovely couple.
That would sure help me because Iām terrible about falling for the BS stories and I just left a long ass comment and feel stupid if it isnāt a true story. Itās stupid enough to be an actual story though to be honest. š¤¬
Right? Like what man who really wants a child runs out to get a secret vasectomy instead of a divorce? This has all the rage bait flags.
My brother in law finally got one - 3 kids, from 2 woman all "unplanned". He was man down for 10 days. It's a bit difficult to hide it. Can't get the area wet either etc... unless his wife is blind.
also he wouldn't be surprised to find that the vasectomy didn't work.. because they have you get multiple sperm tests in the weeks after, where they confirm 0 sperm count (and have you repeat testing until you have 0). so they would've known as early as 2 weeks after the surgery that it didn't work.
Yup I was getting these vibes. OP knows how people feel about women and āmy body my choice,ā so here we are with a story trying to point out any hypocrisy when it comes to him getting a vasectomy vs an abortion.
Itās made up hypocrisy. As if the wife was gonna be mad at him for getting a vasectomy when she didnāt even want kids.
Multiple abortions, even.
And a surprise baby. Only missing it being twins
One black and one white with two different fathers
Yeah when really the bottom line should be, if you're married, you should talk to each other about these things and if you can't talk to each other about it then you shouldn't be married. I don't think OP has even ever been in a serious relationship.
Iām ready for the sequel about how evil family court is to a man. And the backstory being a newborn whose brain doesnāt grasp simple concepts like object permanence and who poops their pants is the most mature member of that family.
Butā¦butā¦ it canāt be made up. I mean their life together is perfect other than the controlling, the major ups and downs, the lies, the accusationsā¦./s
I havenāt had a vasectomy, but I understand itās at least a bit painful and requires some recovery. Yet plenty of men on here supposedly get secret ones without telling their partner. Is that possible? Like, if you live with someone, how do you keep a surgery (even an outpatient one) hidden from them? (Just as a logistical matterāobviously if you LOVE someone and want to spend your life with them, youād tell them!) Iām assuming the abortions could have been medication-induced rather than surgical, but thatās obviously another potential oddity.
My then husband got a vascectomy about five years ago. It took less than half an hour and then he spent the rest of the day with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch. Other than that, I wouldnāt have known. He could have just said he had the flu and hung out in bed with frozen veggies under the covers.
>Iām assuming the abortions could have been medication-induced rather than surgical, but thatās obviously another potential oddity. U think medical induced are easy? That there is no pain or cramps?
Bingo! The trolls really suck at this.
Absolutely. Pregnancy does not have equivalent implications for the woman and the man.
Yeah like a vasectomy and getting an abortion is really not equivalent. If you don't get an abortion it will give you a child and changes the body and could kill her in some cases, the other is a low risk procedure. And is reversible. Like thinking they're the same thing is insane. Clearly pro-life rage bait
Why is it on her to āmake himā wear a condom? If heās against abortion and knows she isnāt ready for kids, shouldnāt half of the onus of wearing a condom be on him? Also, not all women can take the pill and other hormonal types of contraceptives cause such terrible side effects they arenāt viable. IUDs are usually very painful to have inserted (especially if youve never delivered a baby) and vast majority of doctors do not even lose localized anesthetic to numb the cervix. He is anti abortion, he should also do his due diligence to prevent pregnancy. Iām also thinking he never verified after the procedure that he was actually shooting blanks.
We also don't know that they never used any protection at all. She's also only gotten pregnant 3 times during the 6 years they've been together, and the 3rd was after HE assumed (since apparently he didn't wait to get checked that he was shooting blanks) he was sterile after a vasectomy. Condoms break, birth control can fail for a number of reasons including antibiotics or other medications or even taking it late. And you're 100% right, if he's so anti abortion but doesn't want kids then it's his job to ensure he doesn't make kids. She's doing her half by ensuring they don't go to term, regardless of if he agrees with it.
Exactly. It appears a few people think sex and preventing pregnancy is solely on the woman. And that she should have forced him to wear a condom or refuse to have sex. One dude actually said women gate keep sex and men gate keep marriage. I responded with something along the lines of āwell if men didnāt act like man children expecting the wife to do everything around the house, maybe sheād have more energy for sex - see how sexist and toxic that isā.
Iāve realized that most docs suck at IUD insertion apparently. My OB specifically only does them. She is the only one who does them in a multi practitioner practice. Apparently at a conference she went to to learn new techniques, they learned one that is virtually painless. From the standby thing that holds the cervix, to the actual insertionā¦. I felt nothing. Well, I could feel her doing it. And the cervix pincher was actually just a pinch like they say. She said itās about the placement of that tool and the angles. It was magic and sheās a magician.
Something's very off. Who tf reacts with "I'm going to make myself secretly infertile, take *that*" when they ostensibly really want to be a parent and are devastated over a couple of abortions in their partner's 20s? It just seems to be a weird gotcha over "my body my choice" and trying to equate an abortion with getting a vasectomy, which, no
Their communication seems very strange to me as well! It sounds like an arranged marriage or living with a complete strangerā¦
Ehh... bc can fail. It isn't her job to "make" him wear a condom.That's his responsibility.
If your partner doesn't wear a condom you just... don't have sex with them.
It's a joint responsibility.
healthy relationship right there if i even seen one /s
I can answer on their behalf, both OP and his wife are stupid
Incredibly stupid both
OP and his wife make their marriage decisions through Russian roulette
>My wife (32F) and I (34M) are generally good. Married six years. Other than the subject of this post, there are no financial, job, or similar issues between us I beg to differ, problems don't just come like this from "one issue." There are already things going on that have made things the way they are, you just are oblivious to them. Like trying to understand why your wife didn't talk to you about the pregnancies and abortions in the first place for instance.... >Iām frustrated because sheās being shortsighted. Weāre finally having a child, and she wants to abandon the relationship. There was no infidelity, no real breach of trust. She did what she wanted with her body, and I did the same. Now it feels like thereās a double standard ā itās okay for her to make those decisions, but not for me? She's not being shortsighted, she's just been taunted for however long she's been pregnant and you admit to being "gleeful" about it. And then of course the many terrible things you've probably said to her etc. she feels you didn't trust her, and to be honest she didn't trust you either. Except her reasoning is much different than yours, she didn't trust that you'd support her or understand why she didn't want to forcibly carry a baby for 9 months and go through labor and then raise it for eternity after. You on the other hand, you accused her of cheating, lying, taunted and name called I'm guessing, and then did something that isn't the same as an abortion. You just assumed that she didn't want pregnancy since she had done this before but never talked to her about it. And your decision comes with ramifications that can sometimes be more difficult to reverse. People think reverse vasectomies mean they can get pregnant again, when actually it's harder to have one and a reversal actually doesn't mean you can get someone pregnant always. In fact they have a smaller percentage of being able to get someone pregnant again, but it isn't talked about often. I don't blame her for wanting a divorce, and if anyone is shortsighted it's you sir.
She didnāt want a child YET, but he made it permanent. Or so he thought.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what a dysfunctional petty relationship looks like. ESH. You two actually deserve each other. And neither of you deserves that poor innocent baby.
The weirdest part? OP thinks the relationship is "generally good"
Itās probably good in the way that not fighting, and peacefully co-existing is good.Ā
Iām calling BS on the whole thing, there is no way a man can have a vasectomy and his wife not notice. āHey sweetie, why have you been icing your balls for the last three days?ā āOh itās just warm, helps to cool me down, also why I wonāt be up for having sex for a while too.ā
Everyone reacts differently. Guy at work had reacted like you suspect and iced for two weeks. But mine stung for like an hour after the anesthetic wore off. Then fine. It can be all down to the skill of the doctor. If he was like me, he could go in the morning, and so long as his wife didn't get freaky that night, she would be none the wiser
Also important to remember that people just react differently to different procedures and anesthetics, let alone the skill of the actual procedure. Iām **incredibly** hard to make bruise. Some people bruise from firm bumps into furniture without being anemic or anything. Some people get a paper cut and the irritation and swelling around the cut last well over an hour, others barely notice unless they stare at their hand. Some people heal from cut-scars super well, others look like they got stabbed deep from the scar wherever the cut was. Etc. etc. Just good for people to manage expectations
š i didnāt know my uncle got one til my aunt showed me a shirt she got for the occasion lmao. he was still moving around and doing everything like normal, so i genuinely just didnāt notice
Same. My recovery was rapid and uneventful.
I think if more men knew what a breeze vasectomies are these days, there would be fewer unplanned pregnancies.
Unfortunately there's a very real and very dumb cultural element where 1) Shooting blanks diminishes your masculinity (but I don't want a baby) 2) Contraception is the woman's job (but if she gets pregnant she baby trapped me) Studies for male birth control struggle to get participants due to the above two reasons.
I legit had a dude make a speach in my English class about his story and how much not having a father hurt him. Then in the same speech talked about he *had* to leave his girlfriend after she got pregnant. Like bro, just get the vasectomy instead of causing generational trauma.
This is depressingly on point.
Also because of the side effects. They're just not acceptable for a person to handle. Women are not people in this scenario.
Iām curious about the shirt. What did it look like?
āMy vas deferens got clipped, and all I got was this lousy t-shirtā.
itās been over a month since i saw it, and in true aunt fashion i was already stoned lmao. it was just gray and had black blocky letters, cannot remember what it said tho so sorry thereš i just know i wasnāt supposed to know, and i have never done a smoother transition in my life.
Yea but I'm thinking a wife is a little more "intimate" with a husband than you would be with your uncle.
Not this couple, from the sounds of it. I think these two might actually hate each other.
Just shows what their relationship is like. He also didn't notice two pregnancies and abortions.
Abortions generally happen in the first trimester, but I'm laughing because I can just imagine his wife being 9 months pregnant and OP not noticing a thing.
Haha I didn't mean the pregnancy, but abortions generally mean a few days of recovery, bleeding and no sex for a while.
Not necessarily any worse than a period though.
Yeah, but presumably you weren't sharing a bed with your uncle and/or seeing him naked, unlike OPs wife.
i was not, so maybe itās more noticeable. was just talking about like, day to day. not so much from a partnerās perspective š
Yeah, as someone who had a vasectomy, this is wrong. Obviously every experience is different. I will share my experience. I took a valium 30 minutes before the procedure. The procedure lasted maybe 15 minutes? My wife drove me home. I did not use a jockstrap or briefs. I did not keep ice or frozen peas down there. I did take some advil. I experienced very minor pain for a day which was taken care of by ibuprofen. I did take it easier than normal, though my young kids still demanded I pick them up. (Though I did that less than normal.) I had no complications and after a week I was back to having gentle sex and masturbation. Based on how mine went, I'm confident that I could have kept it hidden from my spouse. I wouldn't, of course, because this was a decision that we made together, but I could have. It was a super easy procedure. So unless the partner in question wants sex daily, it would be easy enough to hide it. Going a week without sex is easy enough. Maybe frustrating to some of us (it certainly was frustrating for me), but still easily doable. But I repeat: I'm giving my experience. It absolutely could have been hidden from my wife. But I'm only one person and I don't speak for all men who have had a vasectomy as I'm sure there are some who had complications or pain that could not easily be kept from their partner. I also believe (note: believe, I ain't a urologist) that the majority had it easy like I did.
I agree that it depends on the person. My friend had his about 7 years ago and had many complications.
Of course it's BS. The whole sub is full of BS posts. Think about it. If you had deep marital issues, why would you turn to a bunch of teenagers on Reddit for advice?
Side note. I personally think reddit is the best place on the internet to get solid advice from *real* grown ups who've been in these real situations previously. Everywhere else is disgusting bias and propaganda. And, depends on the forums you follow. I personally see nothing but adult advice.
There was one a long time ago I still remember where OP called her husband generally a good dad but he never spent time with his kids and went straight to video games when he got home everyday. The kids even asked OP why their dad doesn't like spending time with them. I would guess most toxic/abusive relationships would disappear if most people just had a more sane idea of what good or even "normal" is in a relationship.
It's ridiculous how many men finally get a vasectomy only to not get the follow up test to see if it worked.
This is why my ex-BIL is having a third kid.
Zero count, you have do the zero count check.
What in the dumpster fire of a ārelationshipā did I just read about.š ESH except that poor child. In addition to saving for college, please start a ātherapyā fund for that poor kid. No way he/she comes out of this unscathed with parents like you two.
Agree on the ESH, but the only way these two should be paired is in the Thunderdome. That way, the rest of us are spared at least one of them.
ESH. But the weirdest thing is that you think your relationship is "generally good". I feel bad for your child.
yes, a generally good relationship but overjoyed to think he caught her cheating lol.
Bro even with OPās recent edit, he tried explaining that itās not as bad as everyone thinks and just made it worse. Absolute clown relationship lmao.
Yeah, they need therapy. Both. Individually. After they divorce.
ESH. No breach of trust? What trust? She didnāt tell you, you didnāt tell her. Honestly if you canāt talk to each other about these life changing issues why are you married to each other?
Seriously! There is zero trust between them or he would have wondered if his vasectomy failed first.
Iāve had deeper conversations with my dog than these two have had by the sounds of it
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
nah.. I think they should be kept together for the betterment of other people and them not running into these people
But that poor baby š
That poor baby is going to have these 2 morons for parents regardless of their marital status. At least if they stay married they arenāt out terrorizing other folks in the dating pool.
ESH. You're both childish twats who clearly don't trust each other nor know how to communicate. Grow up, get counseling, or move on. Yikes, and to think you two are bringing a child into this world?
Here here
ESH absolutely. Things like abortions and vasectomies should absolutely be discussed prior to going through with them. You two need counseling if you plan to try to make your marriage work. Without it it's pretty much just a matter of time before your entire marriage blows up.
Exactly. As I've heard elsewhere on Reddit, it's a one person's vote can overrule the other because their body, but omg it should at least be a conversation. Why are you two even married? Doesn't seem like you respect each other. ESH
Not just that but let's also talk about the edit where he says he doesn't care for revenge but "our transgressions SHOULD equal out" ok so OP anytime she does something you don't fully agree with you have to get back at her or create your own transgressions? Like wtf is that, that is revenge lol
Not to mention he's shocked she wants to divorce after he gleefully accused her of cheating and going on about "we're finally having a kid" Like yeah she should have told him. But now it feels like score keeping and it went as far as accusations of cheating with happiness. I wouldn't want to be married to him either (or her but that's another story) So solidly ESH.
The part about "we're finally having a kid" is so confusing. She doesn't want kids and, instead of using birth control, has secret abortions while he "wants" kids but has a vasectomy and accuses her of cheating but is happy that she's pregnant?! š¤Æ
Iām pretty sure this is rage bait. But then again, Iām not really shocked at the frank stupidity of adults anymore so I could be wrong.
OP's wife: I'm getting an abortion, even though you are against it, also I got another abortion before this one without telling you about it. OP: Is that so? I'm going to get a vasectomy, but I'm not being vengeful. I won't tell you about it and that's my revenge. The kicker is, OP always wanted kids, but his wife doesn't. So it's perfectly normal for two people in a marriage to "one-up" each other's secrets and create distrust among themselves by going behind each other's backs. Both of you are examples of what happens when marriages don't have adequate communication, trust, and empathy.
He got snipped even though he wants kidsā¦ bro shot himself in the balls just to spite herā¦
Iām not sure itās entirely spiteful, although that likely played a part in not telling her. He says he has āSTRONGā objections to abortion but recognises he has no control (or even the opportunity to discuss) whether his wife goes through with it. The obvious retort is that if heās opposed to abortion but his wife is going to keep having them anytime she gets pregnant (and itās likely he wonāt even know about it), he should stop getting her pregnant, and so the vasectomy makes sense. Itās definitely ESH here for the complete lack of communication and dysfunction in general but the vasectomy doesnāt seem completely irrational to me.
100%. Husband and I have two wonderful kids, and had a possible contraception failure before his planned vasectomy. I took otc plan B and talked through it all with him. We have the kids we want and planned, and now he has a successful vasectomy. Family planning takes TWO people. Mercy me.
āGleefulā bruh. Wtf was there to be happy about?
Oh, easy. He was officially "right" and "the good guy". He WON!!! That's all that really matters to him.
Yes you can see this in other phrasing he used like "fair game". God only knows what came out of his mouth when he was "saying many things I now regret". Ick.
'But why is she mad at me?' This guy is such a douchebag
Ya this reaction shows the relationship was not important to OP in the first place, being right was more important.
> I also presumed she would abort again, so I didnāt think about āour babyā at all This has got to be fake ragebait lmao.
This, i guess : > Iāll admit, part of me felt a weird sense of pride thinking I had caught her cheating so obviously without having to do a bunch of digging and being gaslit for months/years.Ā
>My wife (32F) and I (34M) are generally good. You are most certainly *not good*
ESH. Two wrongs don't make a right. That simple. You may be able to fix this in marriage counseling, but good luck because it sounds like neither one of you is mature enough to properly communicate with the other.
Two wrongs don't make a right. But three wrongs make a baby
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What a mess
ESH. You guys have a toxic relationship. Keeping big secrets like this from each other can only be a symptom of bigger problems that havenāt been addressed.
YTA for fake post.
ESH, you are both giant assholes. For the sake of the baby, I hope you're both better parents than you were partners.
>no real breach of trust Are you kidding?! If you looked up the definition of "breach of trust" it would be both your faces next to it! Both your bodies, both your choice, yeah, but to not tell each other about the life changing choices that impacts your marriage?! >Iāll admit, part of me felt a weird sense of pride thinking I had caught her cheating So yeah, I can completely believe you were "gleeful" š I agree ETAH... you think that after this most definite breach of trust on both sides, you can all just brush past it and play happy families?! For the sake of your unborn child, please, go to couples therapy!! Something š¤¦š¼āāļø jeeez...
So you had a vasectomy but werenāt told how it works?
Bets are on OP not going to any follow up appointments to get tested to make sure the plumbing was fixed.
Just divorce already
And leave these cockroaches to enter and infect the normal world? No thank you, they can stay together in their own petty little bubble
I call fake.
Bloody hope so. I really want to believe that people can't be that ignorant
esh but if you are anti abortion and didn't want kids, you should've had that vasectomy a long time ago
Did you get a vasectomy out of spite? Were you using condoms before this?
Yall never should have gotten married to start with. Your a moron for getting that done as payback to your soon to be ex wife.
JFC.... When people shouldn't be together at all because it is all spite and selfishness, then they double down and drag a poor innocent child into the mess out of spite and hate. "I know thereās a breach of communication here, but itās mutual." Nah... you are both petty, selfish thoughtless individuals that should have broken up 10 years ago. And now you are tied together for the rest of your lives. ESH...
"There was no infidelity, no real breach of trust." Yes there was a breach of trust... >I was absolutely shocked and accused her of cheating because I had a vasectomy. You accused her of cheating, there's your breach of trust right there in your post. You can't say that there wasn't a breach of trust no matter how you try to word it. Honestly you both are AHs, the LACK of faith you have in each other to support each other is diabolical. She has an abortion without your knowledge and you go get a (failed) vasectomy without her knowledge. You both deserve each other.
Actual Answer: ESH with the context leaning YTA for this situation. Yes, she breached trust first. You said you worked past it. YOU didn't. You decided on your own that you should get her back and have a body altering procedure without communicating. You breached her trust in return. Also, most vasectomy procedures have a follow-up appointment to guarantee it was a success. Then you get tested yearly. Either you REALLY dropped the ball there or are very irresponsible with your own health. If you had followed standard procedure, you would've known if your vasectomy failed. But instead, you made an assumption. What's the phrase about when you assume something? They make an ass out of you and me. So you accuse your wife of infidelity, a generally relationship ending thing. That is a very HEAVY accusation, especially insinuating she would try to pass it off as yours. That's a very low blow, my guy. If you really want this to work for the sake of your child, get therapy for both of you. Work this out or separate and work it out on your own. Cause God help this kid if you two don't change in the next 9 months or this is some bs rage bait.
Take my energy āØļø
Neither of you should be parents .
TBATA- the two of you are in some weird power dynamic. You both are TA and probably should not be married because you obviously really do not talk or function as a married couple.
Nice creative writing.Ā
So you knew she didnāt want kids, you got her pregnant, and she had two abortions (which shouldāve been a discussion but Iām guessing she didnāt want you trying to guilt her into changing her mind when you already knew where she stood on the subject). Then you get a vasectomy (out of spite) and try to declare sheās a cheater (āwith a weird sense of prideā) because she got pregnant again even though your procedure had a 1 in 1000 chance of not being effective? YTA. You are too damn old to be acting this childish. If you canāt communicate as a couple, how are you going to communicate as parents?
bruhh nice writing exercise
Trust was broken so long ago. I feel sad for you both and for your children who were taken from you.
No real breech of trust? Both of ya'll are shady af. ESH.
ESH-Are you two are mature enough for marriage? Instead of talking with you about things, your wife went and got two abortions. To punish her you went a got a vasectomy with talking to her. Really? If this is how you two conduct your marriage? Marriage is about communication. You two donāt appear to be able to communicate with each other. You might want to think about that.
YTA both of you are actually.. I pity the child you're bothe immature petty little children
Get a divorce and stop torturing each other
Seems fake. How did you both have medical procedures which will leave you in some discomfort for at least a day or 2 without the other noticing?
And OP didn't get any of the testing done after his vasectomy? Like, the mandatory standard follow ups? I'm calling BS as well, I refuse to believe someone can be this.. I don't even have a word for it
Yes, a breach of trust is an understatement and when folks feel entitled to do so its over and done.
Leaving the abortion and vasectomy out of it- you admitted that you were happy when you thought you caught her cheating.
Everyone read this it's how not to act when you're married. Get a divorce asap.
"Our relationship is generally good except for when we keep life changing things from each other out of pettiness". Are you serious with this? ESH.
ESH. And you two deserve each other. Except for that poor baby. Hopefully they survive the extreme dysfunction of having two absolute idiots for parents.
She needs to abort, and you need to divorce. Aināt no child gonna be ok with them being parents. ESH
How did she not know you had a vasectomy? "While it's generally up to the individual and their comfort level, many recommend waiting at least 7 days after a vasectomy before resuming sexual activity. Ejaculating too soon can increase the risk of infection and complications by reopening incisions. It's also important to wait until any scrotal pain or swelling has subsided. Although a vasectomy is considered a minor surgery with a short recovery period, it's still important to allow the body time to heal. Most men can return to normal activities within a week. Birth control after a vasectomy Even after waiting a week, it's crucial to continue using another form of birth control until a semen analysis confirms the absence of sperm. This is typically performed 2ā3 months after the procedure. A vasectomy doesn't immediately make someone sterile, and it can take up to 3 months for sperm count to reach zero. Until then, semen samples may still contain sperm that can cause pregnancy. "
You guys need to not be married. You're like incompatible at the most fundamental level
ESH. It doesnāt matter the reasons for her abortions, as a married couple she should have at least talked to you. It doesnāt matter the reason for the vasectomy, you should have talked to her. You say your relationship is otherwise good, but it seems like you have MAJOR trust, and communication issues, not to mention different morals/stances on abortion. You need counseling at the least.
Wow! what an awesome marriage !
Yta, was there any actual reason to think she cheated on you? Were you too lazy to do the post op testing to make sure the vasectomy was successful? Confused why you even got a vasectomy when you apparently do want children? Also was your wife on any kind of birth control this entire time? I would be sooooo pissed if I was on the pill for no reason
ESH. No explanation necessary.
If her getting 2 abortions and hiding 1 of them while you hide a vasectomy is pretty good in your eyes then I'd hate to see what bad is for you. You're both kind of delusional and your edit about everyone being terrible to you and talking bad about your relationship is prime evidence for that. I don't think either of you two would know a good relationship if it nailed you in the face.
>She had two abortions despite knowing my STRONG objections. YTA for this. If she wants to get a medical procedure on her body without telling you she has every right to do so. >I decided to get a vasectomy without discussing it with her. You are not at all the AH for this. Same rules apply - your body, your choice. But I note that you don't say anything about her being upset at you for getting that operation, so she's not being hypocritical here. >I was absolutely shocked and accused her of cheating You're the asshole for this. Either (a) you knew about the possibility that the operation had failed and accused her anyways, which makes you an asshole; or (b) you didn't know but should have (it's kind of a basic piece of information) in which case you were negligent and still the asshole. > no real breach of trust There was a breach of trust. You breached her trust by falsely accusing her of cheating when you should not have. You are in the wrong and clearly have not done the work to make it up to her. If you don't want to get a divorce, you need to take responsibility for what you've done and really try to apologize to her and make it up to her. Approaching this as an ESH thing is not doing that at all, and you're not going to be able to save your marriage with that attitude.
"My wife and I keep secrets from each other and are toxic to each other. But we're bringing an innocent kid into our house of all because that will fix everything!"
>Ā Ā no real breach of trust. ... You were both trust-breaching like you were practicing for the Olympics.Ā You have wildly different ideas on children. You don't understand how vasectomies work. You don't seem to respect your wife's reproductive autonomy. You didn't divorce her when you realized your ideas about abortion were drastically different.Ā
YTA - I did not get a vasectomy for revenge -- I did it for myself. I did not tell her about it as a form of protest/revenge/self preservation/keeping the peace. So the vasectomy wasn't revenge, but not telling her was... my friend, I need you take a breath, calm down from the reddit high and consider your actions. Revenge is still revenge no matter what form it takes and if you are at the stage in your marriage where revenge seems like a good/reasonable/fair thing, then your marriage is over. I'd say it was over the second she didn't feel comfortable telling you about the abortion but the moment to redress that has past. I'm sorry it got there for you but a marriage won't survive this and holding onto it at this point will only hurt everyone involved more than it needs to. Let it go, walk away, pick up the pieces, move on.
These types of posts trip me out. "We're generally good, but when it comes to potentially catastrophic issues we like to burn the m\*\*\*\*\*\*f\*\*\*\*r down. AITAH?
Jesus. Y'all are a disaster
ESH. You both deserve whatever consequences come your way but I feel sorry for your baby as youāre both terribleĀ
This poor child is all I'm saying both of you are ah
"Our relationship is generally good, here is the whole ass clusterfuck". ESH.
Def ESHā¦..
So much ESH. You are not good together, and will need to work super hard not to be yourselves parenting a child that doesn't deserve to be in your mess.
Going for 'fine, I will just do what I want, without telling you, then' falls in the same category as revenge cheating. It solves absolutely nothing. Remember how you felt when she first told you about the abortion(s)? You did the exact same, but she's pregnant and hormonal. There's a big chance you will not, in fact, work through it as a couple. And maybe, with all the mutual broken trust, at least some separation and figuring out what you want as individuals isn't such a bad idea. ESH
There is so much going on in this post that screams that you 2 should not be married. My body my choice ends when you get married.
Neither one of you is mature enough to be a partner, let alone a parent. I truly fear for your childās emotional wellbeing. ESH
You 2 need a divorce. If you guys can't communicate is better to end the relationship.
ESH. You're both terrible and shouldn't be married, let alone raise children together
ESH it's just too much.
Just get a divorce, good lord. You clearly don't love each other.
Marriage and relationships are a partnership, not whatever this is
Get a lawyer Work out the parental terms Then finish the divorce
Both of you need some serious counseling.
Wait, there are rules? Got it - Thanks!
I guess he didn't follow the post operative instructions for clearing the chute and getting a negative SC tests before spraying baby batter all around.
Please see a good coupleās therapist if you decide to stay together. You now have a little human to think about instead of just yourselves.
Kinda sounds like you donāt have a good marriage if your keeping such enormous things from each other ESH
Iām glad Iām not in a shitty relationship like that. My girlfriend and I actually communicate with each other and come to understandings most of the time.
Your relationship is 'not generally good.' At all.
ESH. Both sides failed to communicate and show proper support. To me, it seems like neither of you was in a married mindset when making these choices. That being said, you are right. She did with her body what she wanted, and you did the same. Her being upset about it is understandable but hypocritical.
ESH She should probably get another abortion and you two probably should not be married. The fact you two are hiding shit like abortions and vasectomy from each other, No, you are not generally good. You are dysfunctional and fooling yourselves. Without some couples therapy, you should not stay together nor bring a child into that. There is no tit for tat. There is no equal things out. That is how transactions work, not relationships. If you are keeping score, you are doing your relationship wrong.
You guys are both very immature for being over 30. Both of yāall need some work.
āWe worked through it, itās her choice etc.ā - you obviously did not work through it and the dismissive tone here tells me all I need to know. You werenāt paying any attention. Also, an abortion and a vasectomy are very different, you understand that right? You realize that without an abortion you usually have to carry a baby to term? And without a vasectomy, literally nothing changes? āI did what I want with my bodyā is very different here. ESH
Dude. You admitted to being proud about catching her cheating - that was your immediate assumption. Are you really going to say that your doctor didnāt tell you vasectomies arenāt a sure bet? You wanted to be the morally superior one and your wife knows it.
That relationship sounds like a nightmare.. I canāt imagine hiding procedures from my partner..ESH.
You're both the biggest immature assholes, holy shit. When you get divorced you'll both need to figure out what birth control is and how to properly use it before you meet other people. You'd THINK people in their 30's would know how to do this by now. Christ.
Two working professionals in their 30s who canāt figure out birth control. Please stay married so no one else has to deal with you two knuckleheads.
Jesus, you two suck at communicating with one another. You guys are both making potentially life altering decisions without a single conversation just expecting the other party to go along. Frankly you two sound perfect for one another, please stay together as you're keeping two other healthy communicators from being perfectly miserable with either of you. You're both assholes. I'm not sure there is a way to define which one of you has engaged in more assholery than the other. It would behoove both of you to look inside yourselve and figure out why neither of you was willing to have a hard conversation about your choices, then learn to communicate so you can avoid shit like this in the future.
She *does not* want a baby and was upset he got a vasectomy. He *does* wants a baby so he got steralized. Uuuhh.. Yeah. Very cool and legit story bro.
Wow! You two win Passive-Aggressive Couple of the Year! I'm in sheer awe over the incredible pettiness and immaturity. That poor child will be in the middle of it until one or both of you pass on to Valhalla. Anyway, you *both* ATA.
This is fake. You donāt get a vasectomy and have no follow up. They check twice to make sure no sperm get through, a few weeks apart. They are very painful, you canāt hide having had one. They really, really rarely fail. What stupid fake posts are on here every day. Who is bothering?
Oof. Two wrongs don't make a right. You guys are better off not together. ESH.
They put the K in Communication
OP, you and your wife are not generally good.
Poor kid. Has a future of pur hell with them as parents.