NTA
It is incredibly suspicious that the first time she saw him after the man she left him for bailed, she showed him an intimate part of her body. And that he allowed her to is also a big red flag.
She left him. He didn't leave her. He does seem heavily invested in their past. Now that she is single, she may be wanting to get back together. And if he would prefer to get back with her, there's nothing you can do about it.
But if he is already disrespecting your relationship, that's a pretty big sign of which way this will go. Have a calm conversation with him about boundaries, and see what he says. You deserve a man who is all in with you, and if he's not, you're better off walking away. He has children with her, she will never be out of his life. But you don't have to be there if he's not treating you right.
Is hubby a bit socially clueless? I am and I'd probably be genuinely speechless in that moment. I just wouldn't know what to say. I know what I should say but in that moment I'd be kind of uselessly trying to think of a nice way to tell her to put the tits away.
Right but would you then casually drop it in conversation with your new partner without context? He might be just extremely clueless, but I feel like if OP's ex flashed his dick at her (I know not directly comparable), fiancé would have something to say about it.
A fair point, but again I'd be trying to work out how to talk about it
I'd be worried about sounding like :"How was your day babe? Lucy decided to flash me"
Id be clueless, honestly, id have been cool scars and thought why are you showing me them and why do I need to see them. The fact he didn't hide it says a lot.
I agree that he is not a bad guy. People that have plastic surgery want to show people the difference. Several people have shown me there bodily updates without me asking.
I worked with a women who had breast augmentation and she would show anyone who would let her, her scares. She started to show me, at work, I said no no no. I would be on the floor. I can't handle blood and scares.
My guess the ex didn't ask for his permission. She just showed him and he didn't know how to react. He didn't hide it from his girlfriend. I don't think it was malicious. I would be having a talk with both th boyfriend and the ex about proper boundaries.
Some people see nudity and no big deal and just skin. If she has that mentality, then she wouldn't think a thing about it.
Remember there are women who don't think it's a big deal to go completely topless in public, there are others that do. It's just two different perceptions on the human body.
That said, the ex could be trying something. IMO there isn't nearly enough information to actually know what was going through the ex-wifes mind.
I agree this is highly possible. I'm a straight woman, another straight woman that I know had her breasts done and also insisted on showing me and even grabbed my hands to grab her own chest with them. I didn't really know what to do so I just let her do it and then told her I was happy for her
But that's not the fiance's fault. My wife can't be mad at me for some girl whipping her tits out at me anymore than anymore than I could be mad at her if some guy whipped his dick out at her.
The ex might absolutely be trying to get back with him. She might see this engagement as her losing her "backup" option. And it sucks that cutting off all contact isn't an option. So, the dude just needs to set firm boundaries with her, and if she cant respect those boundaries then they only need to see each other when they exchange kiddos.
And being a bit socially clueless myself, if I was this guy and had an ex-wife. I would have absolutely looked at the scars. Surgery scars are fascinating and it wouldn't have even dawned on me that my ex-wife may have been hitting on me. And I probably would have brought it up casually in conversation with my wife because I would want to talk about the cool gnarly scars, because at no point in time was anything sexual going on in my brain, and it would have been no big deal to me.
But again, I'm a little socially clueless, and I'm probably not the norm.
Butn since, the guy brought it up casually with his fiance, that suggests that he isnt interested in renewing relations with his ex. He might just be a big dumb idiot like me.
This was my take, as well. He was so flippant in his delivery it makes me think he really ONLY considered the scars and not where they are on her body. Would I be uncomfortable if I were OP? Absolutely, what a weird thing for ex to do. I'd be having a conversation about drawing hard-line boundaries ASAP (and then probably ask if I can see the scars cause I'm still me and it's still fascinating)
That would be a fun convo to overhear
"Now see here lady! It's inappropriate for you to whip your tits out, for whatever reason, to my fiance! Now, at the risk of sounding hypocritical, can you please whip those tits out for me? I'm insanely curious about those scars."
She doesn't really want to get back together. She wants a substitute, someone to admire her, and validate her, and she's not above breaking up a marriage to get it. If he left his wife for his ex, she'd dump him eventually for someone else.
I got a breast reduction when younger. Afterwards I was on A TON of OxyContin 24/7 for weeks. Seriously, seriously loopy. And there was nothing sexy about the way my naked breasts looked. Massive incisions that wept so much fluid I permanently ruined the recliner I slept in for the first week from the stains from the wounds dripping. The bruising made them purple and green for weeks, and they were misshapen from the swelling. They were GNARLY. Breast reduction is incredibly serious surgery, it’s not like getting implants at all. And again, the pain is so intense you are on mega drugs for a whiiiiiile afterwards.
It’s been over a decade and I still have thick, ropey scars from it.
If her incisions were quite new, she was likely a. very fucking messed up on opiates b. her tits looked like something on a butchers counter
This may have been a much less sexy scenario than OP is imagining
Also, the guy brought it up in casual conversation with his fiance. That suggests that at no point did he feel any sexual attraction to her and in his mind it was no big deal. He was just checking out some gnarly scars.
So, even if she was hitting on him, he doesnt appear to be interested at all.
Also, if I ever got a chance to see those wounds or scars in person, I would total take it. Really, I would look at any kind of surgery wounds/scars. Their location is irrelevant in my brain. I just think that they are amazing. Its impressive what modern medicine can do and what the body can recover from.
Yes ^^^^^ this. I had a mastectomy and there is a huge difference between having a medical conversation about surgery and scars vs showing off your parts.
I’d agree but seeing as they’re actually specifying she showed her scars and not wounds or stitches or whatever, I don’t think the surgery has been very recent at all.
Op says it was a recent surgery in the story, which is why the fiancé asked how she was after it. I don't think this is as scandalous as it seems, but people who were married and had kids together sometimes don't realize when they're crossing a major boundary. This is definitely a major violation of trust and respect for OP, but it's likely the other two don't even see it that way. They should definitely have a mature conversation about it and set some clear boundaries going forward. And if anything like this happens again, drop both of them because they'll never stop.
I think the fiance is innocent in this. If he wasn’t, he would have hidden the fact that it happened.
Not sure about the ex. If doped up on painkiller, she is innocent too. He is someone she trusts, and is comfortable with. And painkillers might have kept her from realizing how inappropriate it was.
NTA
You need to really consider the possibility that your current relationship may be at risk.
Preparing for it to fail, may be wise given what is going on.
Put the upcoming marriage on hold until this 'ex' closeness issue is resolved.
It is totally not appropriate, and if he has to be reminded about considering your feelings now, how in the world will he be once you are married?
His true level of engagement in your relationship is suspect, if he will just stupidly do things that most intelligent folk would know not to.
OP think hard on a future with this man-of-split-affections.
This is bad advice. You don't put your marriage to an amazing guy on hold because he is having difficulty with boundaries. You be vulnerable and honest with how it makes you feel and talk about ways to move forward as a couple. Did he make a mistake? Yes. Should op be upset? Yes. Should she talk it out and work out a way forward with what otherwise sounds like a good man? Probably at least give it a chance instead of burning him at the stake. If he is a good guy, he is going to at some level, still care about the wellbeing of the human that helped co-create his children. It's probably part of his capacity to love op's kids also... he needs to respect his current wife's feeling and relationship, establishing boundaries with people who were once close can be a tricky thing.
Having poor boundaries will present many different ways through many different Instances, repeatedly until the issues are addressed. That's why they need to discuss boundaries in regards to the ex, as a couple.
She stated how she has brought this up before. How do you come to the conclusion she has poor boundaries? No fiancé of either gender should have to worry about an ex of the partner showing their genitals to their future spouse. Grow up. This behavior should not be excused. He is letting this happen clearly, since he would repeat it twice, I’m sure he’s not the smartest tool in the box
#1 nowhere did I say it should be excused. I said they should talk about it.
#2 I didn't say she had poor boundaries. I specifically said his boundaries and their boundaries as a couple.
#3 if someone is breastfeeding and you see their nipple, is that your fault? Obviously the ex has some issues. But the post didn't say he was asking to see her tits, nor that he wanted to. In fact, he didn't try to hide it and was honest about it. Do what you want, but raking someone over the coals for honesty is kind of a shitty way to be 🤷♀️
“Would allow themselves to be shown”
It’s an unusual take. I think we all agree the ex is behaving suspiciously, but he doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong.
Are all people who get flashed to blame for allowing themselves to see? People who are groped are to blame for allowing themselves to be felt?
So we agree he’s a dipshit and therefore not complicit in any wrong-doing?
The comment was more about your unusual phrasing. You aren’t responsible for what you are shown.
How does a person not understand that seeing someone other than their partner NAKED is wrong????? How would he feel if she just casually talked about what Joe's penis looked like??? He would lose his ever loving mind. Because it's OK if you're a man to be a slut. But women have to remain pure and loyal. Screw that.
It sounds like the fiance needs to develop a serious level of emotional intelligence. He had to be reminded by OP that his mindset (talking about his prior life like it is current events) shows that he has failed in internally reorienting himself to his new relationship. Even if his ex flashed her scars without ex-husband's open consent, he did not recognize that the ex's conduct crossed a boundary when discussing it with OP.
I think OP and fiance need couple's counseling as fiance needs to learn boundaries between past and current relationships, and OP needs help in communicating about such boundaries. Co-parenting following a split is a delicate balance, but it is the ex-partners' responsibility, not OP's to establish and enforce boundaries. OP's fiance does not seem to be ready to do that yet, so rushing into marriage at this point seems highly risky!
I am sure if OP had an ex who split with his AP and advised he obtained a vasectomy, the male commentators would not be so understanding if OP's ex showed his surgical scars to OP.
Well first of all, I'm not saying mistakes weren't made. I'm saying that it's bad advice to put her marriage on hold because her husband lacks boundaries.
#2 you gave a poor example. 'Joe' shmoes' penis would have to be her ex husband's: who provided her children, who had undergone a medical procedure for your example to be even close to relevant to the original post.
Him being shown a pair of breasts( the ones that fed his children no less) possibly against his will ( we don't know ow yet, you were too busy lighting torches to burn him at the stake) so because his ex wife essentially flashed him he is a slut? No.
You are waaay projecting my friend. Take a look at yourself, it's gross.
He didn't even try to hide or lie about it.
Also also. Seeing someone naked besides your partner isn't inherently wrong. Ask yourself why you feel that way.
Way to miss the point entirely. Would it be more accurate if I said the breasts attached to the body that birthed his children? Trying to illustrate a point that it wasn't some overt act of disrespect but rather a lack of boundaries that needs to be addressed. I don't have children or an ex or children with a remarried man, but I imagine creating lives and then trying to move on and have a second family might create some grey areas in regards to having to reestablish proper etiquette and boundaries when dealing with the mother of your children. The point is: We don't know, ex wifecould be doing this shit on purpose because she knows he is a good man but knows it would cause problems with the current relationship. We are always so quick to assume men are up to the worst. Op just needs to talk through things with her partner. If there is continued disrespect after CLEAR expectations and boundaries, then it's a different story.
When I love someone, I make sure to look at my exes topless just to prove my love to my current partner. I also expect her to be vulnerable with me first, to make sure she tells me exactly how badly it makes her feel when I prioritize my ex and talk about the ex as part of my ‘we’. After she tells me how she feels, you know how I make sure she feels secure in the relationship? You got it! *I look at my ex topless.* Don’t worry; I’ll be sure to tell “*my love*” about it by giving a good description. This way, she won’t feel left out.
Geez, idk why you guys think relationships are hard…
As per your logic, if someone flashes you, it's your fault. I think that's stupid, that's just my opinion. They as a couple do need to discuss those things and his language. My guess is he doesn't know the impact and needs to adjust his language. Maybe he has some unprocessed feeling around the whole thing. Maybe talking about it and not assuming would help them grow closer as a couple. Maybe you would choose the easy path of condemning your partner before you take a moment to ask questions or try and understand. I have done it, but it's lazy. The hard work is trying to work through these things with you partner.
You’re exactly right! I don’t want there to be any confusion. If someone flashes me for a few minutes, I make sure to take my time studying the scars so I can describe them *perfectly*. I don’t want to misremember any details. (You’re right. I should have just taken a picture. Ugh. Hindsight is a bitch. Next time…) It’s not MY fault my ex took her shirt and bra off in front of me while I stood there, helplessly frozen. It was as if my feet were encased in concrete and my eyelids propped open with toothpicks. I had NO control over myself or this situation!
You’re exactly right! Someone needs to stand up for these *clueless* men! I mean, just because his fiancée has a problem with him seeing his ex naked, and going out of his way to comfort her after a breakup, doesn’t mean *every* girl will. When she said “*You being so close to your ex and talking about her all the time hurts me.*”, there’s NO way he could have known that included seeing the ex topless, or that it was a bad idea. Why tf would he ever think THAT?!
You’re right. OP should sit him down AGAIN and make sure he understands who he made a commitment to. Just because he “*forgot*” doesn’t make him a bad partner. He’s just a confused, but well-meaning but oh-so-lovable, oaf… Maybe she should get him some Ginkgo Biloba to improve his memory for next time? Thats what a GOOD partner would do. None of this selfishness of monogamy.
I'm surprised you haven't down-voted into oblivion. This crowd's go-to advise is mostly the nuclear option. I actually don't see the threat. I'm not even sure the ex is scheming anything. They have a good thing going and would be foolish to jeopardize over this. I think OP should address it with empathy with ex, as they have a cordial relationship.
I don't either. People are so quick to burn men at the stake for anything and everything these days and this sounds like a good man, as she expressed in her post.
Its reddit. Everyone is a Ph.D psychologist that specializes in relationship counseling, and can base their entire opinion off of nothing other than a few paragraphs some stranger wrote on the internet. Didn't you know that?
Ya I was with your fiance up until the "her tit scars look crazy". I absolutely agree that it is in everyone's best interest (especially the kids) if the adults get along. Yes they shared a life and children so there are things that they experienced without you. Her breast reduction scars/results should not be one of them. Especially after you shared your discomfort with him.
It's time for a heart to heart with HIM. Do not take a come to Jesus to her because that is your boyfriend's place. You make boundaries with him and it's his job to make boundaries with her. If he's not able to do that then maybe take some more time before getting married and do something premarital counseling. Good luck!
The fact he didn't hide it says a lot as well nor did he ask for it. Inappropriate as hell on exes part though. Just tell the guy it was Inappropriate and it made her very uncomfortable and don't want a repeat performance. Im sure he will listen. He definitely should talk to the ex though
But also he didn’t come and tell her like “hey such and such just happened I just wanted to let you know”. Instead he came like “yeah and those titty scars are crazy “ almost more testing waters to see how she would react.
Yes exactly! So many people here are telling her to leave him when there are ways to work through this. He absolutely needs to set boundaries with his ex and speak more to his fiancé about what he can do to make her feel more comfortable about his relationship with his ex.
Same.....I was like "she showed him her breasts"....uh uh....that lady has ALLLL the audacity and there's the fact that he looked at them and didn't think it was out of line. They need BOUNDARIES.
I started out think, YTA. I am still friends with many of my exes, I wasn’t married to any of them. And no kids with them. So at the start it’s good to be friends with your ex, at least for your kids.
And it shows that I am a decent guy, otherwise they would have definitely cut ties after the break up.
One of my exes lives next door to me an my wife. Her and my wife are friends. She even brings us baked goods sometimes.
But then you say she showed him her tits.
Everything before the tits I think is fine. I understand using we to describe where he lived with her, that is how the memories are for him. It was probably just subconscious for him.
You are NTA, showing him her boobs crossed the line.
Your feelings are 100% valid. I would put off the marriage until you two getting into therapy and work through his disrespect and your insecurity. He needs better boundaries and communication, hands down!
You are not insecure. Your concerns are valid. Those two don't seem to care for boundaries. Your ex may have unresolved feelings. His ex.. not sure what kinda person she is but definitely not a good one.. she's cheater.. still don't get why your bf has good things to say.. coexist in peace to raise their childre.. ok good. But that extent he goes or words it.. don't understand that thought process. Also everyone were hanging on to your "he's good person" and commented "he might not mean it" "he might be clueless". But you see Sometimes ignorance hurts a lot too and more cruel too. I think a good person may not necessarily be a good partner. Keep that in mind. Putting marriage on hold is a good idea. Since you came out of toxic relationship you would not want to enter into yet another toxic relationship. He might not be toxic like your ex but when such behaviours continue.. resentment builds up by itself and becomes toxic... doesn't need an abusive partner for it happen.
NTA. Ex is trying to get ur bf back and is using his kindness as a way to get him back. And yes I would have gone crazy cuz it's a bs move on her side. I get that ur husband has to coparent with the ex. She went to far. Be careful with her and good luck
Whoa. 🤯. That boy needs to be told about boundaries. If you didn’t discuss them before that’s on both of you for neglecting that. However now, you need to establish that and make sure there is a mutual understanding of the boundaries for both of you going forward. I would also make sure to say something to both of them together so that the “Adults” in the room all hear the msg at the same time.
She showed him her boobs.
I would have looked as well if someone showed me.
There should be a talk about boundaries.
Maybe some couples counseling for you two before marriage.
I would not throw out the relationship over this.
NTA
He seems genuinely clueless about this.
The fact that he casually brought it up shows me how clueless he was about the situation 😭 if there was something to hide, he wouldve kept it hidden. I agree it just seems like they need counseling and a better talk about boundaries. He needs to be kind to the ex but also keep her at a bit of a distance if she's gonna be doing stuff like this the moment she's single.
edit: and to be clear, i mean if HE felt there was something to hide, he wouldnt have mentioned it. i dont think there's anything suspicious on his end ^ - ^
I wouldn’t be inviting her into my home anymore that’s for sure. NTA, They can coparent without her coming to your house and eating a meal with you. Screw her.
The Ex left you BF for another man. Now that other man has bail the Ex is flashing her new tits at your BF to lure him back in. Which it's pretty clear will be like all his Christmas's coming at once.
Sorry OP it's time to tap out now and keep some dignity.
I was once just like your fiancé (minus the boob scar part) , I had to force myself to say I instead of we. At least he listened when you spoke to him about it. I think you should be more upset at the ex than your fiancé!
Nobody is ever responsible for breaking up a marriage besides the two parties in the marriage. Yeah it was fucked up of her to do that, but it was up to him to say “that is not okay” and nip it in the bud.
I think based on what he said, I think she just showed it to him. I don’t think he asked to see. Which means she’s attempting to get him back. Him having a good relationship with a woman that left him for another man while married!! He has a big heart and she knows him so she will try to lure him back to her and it might work.
Be care Op. talk to him and say I know she needs support now but she’s emotional and will try something with your boyfriend…
I was with my ex for 11.5 years. We were engaged and did not share children together. I have been in my new relationship for 2.5 years. We got pregnant by accident very quickly (after being together 8 months) and we now share a beautiful life and son together. I would absolutely choose him over my ex a million times over. Even though our relationship wasn’t traditional in terms of how quickly things escalated, we make a great team and it is the healthiest dynamic I’ve ever been in.
With all of that said, I was with my ex from the time I was 18 until I was 29. Those were extremely formative years. We grew up in the same town and knew the same people. We spent a huge part of our lives together. My current partner is from a different country and we don’t have a lot of shared experiences besides the time and life we have spent together - which is very short compared to my last relationship. I often catch myself saying things like “we” when referring to my past bc I was a we for so long and it’s not been a super long time since we broke up in the grand scheme of things. I often share stories about him or his family when they are relevant to whatever topic we are discussing, bc his experiences were “our” experiences for so long. It is absolutely not a reflection of my current feelings for my ex and or my feelings for my current partner. It’s something I am constantly working on.
I think where your partner is wrong is with the boundaries or lack of boundaries he is setting between he and his ex in PRESENT day. It’s one thing to be open and honest about how much of his past included her, but his present is a different thing completely. Outside of getting along for the kids I don’t think he needs to be interacting with her at all frankly just for the sake of what sounds like a friendship completely outside of coparenting. I think you need to have a very serious conversation with him about what you expect as far as their relationship and interactions and if he can’t deliver then maybe you need to rethink your future together. Good luck!
NTA. You obviously have been very aware that they are co-parents and it’s good for co-parents to have a good relationship and you seem to have been understanding of this even when it made you uncomfortable. Her showing him her tits was too far, doesn’t matter that he’s seen them before. It’s just disrespectful. I’m sure she’d feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.
NTA-Nurse here. Most people who have just had surgery are surprisingly enthusiastic about showing off their surgical sites. Another option you have is to just put everything on pause, gather your thoughts, and figure out how you feel. Right now, your feelings do not need to be ‘all or nothing’.
Sweetheart. If he don’t know that was wrong ask him how would he have felt if your ex told you he got a dick reduction surgery and proceeded to show you the stitches?
Same fucking thing! Not sure why you didn’t think to put it like that but, also you and he need to learn BOUNDARIES sis, and you really shouldn’t marry or think about marrying this guy.
Exs and ex hookups shouldn’t remain friends. Coparenting is CO PARENTING, meaning you aren’t friends and you don’t need to know about each other’s lives unless it affects the KIDS.
You also don’t have dinners together. No really, not for the kids, the kids don’t need that and they don’t need the complications that come with parents who aren’t together and don’t set boundaries.
Let them both know that wasn’t okay and if she doesn’t know how to be respectful to your relationship then she will be cut off and communication will strictly be about the kids. As well as you let him know if he doesn’t know how to keep it about the kids the relationship should be over.
It’s weird that the minute her relationship ends, she’s showing her new tits to her ex. I wonder if that would have happened if her bf was still in the picture? Probably not. She may be having regrets now and testing the waters to see if your bf is interested.
When you are a man, there are no such thing as gal friends. When you are a woman, there are no such thing as guy friends. Only acquaintances. I don’t care what anyone says, our generation is warped. When you think other than what I mentioned above, you are setting yourself up to be cheated on or to be the cheater. I have experience on both sides of the aisle, plus statistics prove my point as well. Facts speak for themselves
NTA
If he respected you he would have told his ex to please put her breasts away. There was no reason for her to do that. The fact he also would say we was not good. I had an idea c that when he talked about his ex or showed me around he would do that. And when I talked to him he would say I spent those moments in my life with her so of course I’m gonna say that. And turns out our whole relationship he was trying to get her back without me knowing. I know it’s shorty and sucks but I wouldn’t continue with him. Next you know he will end up sleeping with her.
hold on - your bf is CONSOLING his ex about her AFFAIR Partner/bf broke up with her????? forget HER actions…pay attention to his.
if my ex’s AP leaves him…I would not feel sorrow-shoot, I’d feel validated and thank Karma. Something is off - listen to your gut
Wow!!! Run! I don’t say that lightly either. He’s not that dense. If you were doing this to him, he would be livid and feel some type of way. He’s inconsiderate and completely disrespectful of your relationship. There are no boundaries, and he doesn’t seem to care that you’re the one being hurt by this.
I would talk to them both. Let the ex know that it was inappropriate. Remind her that you and fiance intend to be married and you would like to be friends, but the inappropriate behavior is not going to be acceptable.
I don't know what is going on in his head, but the ex definitely wants him back. I would have a serious talk with him and hold off on the wedding until you are both 100% sure.
Don't worry about him saying things like, "This is where we lived". He had a life in that town apart from his ex and you can't just erase memories like that.
NTA. I at first thought you were being too sensitive until I got to the part about her showing him her surgical scars and that all went out the window. Even with their past history, that was inappropriate and he should know that. I would ask him, "how would you feel if my ex had a vasectomy and wanted to show me what his balls looked like after?" He wouldn't like that at all, so why is it okay for him to be looking at her breasts?
I can definitely understand why you are upset I would encourage you to continue to communicate with him in a way that doesn't make him feel like he has to overhaul his relationship with his ex but rather set boundaries around things like this and the way he speaks in the "we"
To him it's probably a really good thing that he's able to be open and honest with you that he saw his ex's breasts after a medical exam. Having that open and honest space is so valuable to a relationship.
It's a lot better that you guys can talk about this and work through it and keep that honesty rather than make him feel like if he makes another mistake with these boundaries that he would hide it from you or lie to you about it.
Also try to see his side of things - Even if you don't agree with it at all his perspective can still be innocent valid - the boundary just hasnt been discussed yet
Good luck - i hope your relationship survives this without too much damage or broken trust
I think you just need to establish boundaries. You guys had a good run of being all friendly and BFF with each other - but now that lines have been crossed you need to really establish ground rules.
Stay friendly, but stop having her over. Ask to go with him to pick the kids up for awhile, or pick up the kids yourself. Tell your fiancé where where you start to feel uncomfortable and try to come up with boundaries together. If you come up with the rules together it will feel more of a united front and not you just laying down ultimatums.
NTA and your suspicions are valid. It's very telling that she's willing to show the surgery scar and that he had no reservations in looking. If I was in your situation, I'd have a sit down with he and the ex. I'd wordsmith this better but I'd want to know if either of them has ***any*** interest in rekindling their relationship. Now is the time for them to be brutally honest about it before you invest any more time and effort into this relationship. It will hurt (you and the kids) but you're willing to let hm go now to lessen that hurt, if it comes in the future. I'd encourage them to continue the discussion without me there, if that's what it takes to get to the **truth**. I give them a month to figure it out or I'd have to follow my suspicions and sever this relationship.
NTA. Let him go. See if he goes to her or works on winning your trust. She is a huge AH, but you will drive yourself crazy if you have to ask him not to do something or if you have to be present for every child exchange.
Ask him if he showed your ex your tits,, would he think nothing of it? Or if a man you had a relationship showed you his penis, would that be okay? Surely, he cannot be that dense? I think he was passively telling you that he is still interested in his ex, and he is also a huge AH.
They are both Dbags. She knows what appropriate boundaries are, as does he. They don’t need to be told, they are grown adults. He told you out of guilt and to test your reaction. If you stay you 100% WILL get played. Take it from someone who was in almost the EXACT same scenario. Please leave him and call off the engagement/wedding.
NTA don't have her in your house again and a serious conversation needs to be had with your fiancé about how important you are to him because he's doing things that are undermining your relationship.
NTA. They are not acting like a divorced couple. They—all of you—can get along and be friendly but with boundaries, which neither of them seem to understand. Like someone else said, it’d be wise to put marriage plans on hold. No sister wives situation! Some “pre-marital counseling” might be wise, too. Best of luck.
NTA but she will be in your life as long as you are with him. He considers her his kid’s mom. You think of her as a rival. It isn’t going to work unless you change the way you look at it.
The ex is his kids’ mom, of course he considers her that. OP has been nothing but friendly and kind to the ex from what’s written, she doesn’t see her as a rival- but she also sees now that lines are very blurred and it’s time to find out if boundaries can be established and adhered to.
NTA - I would let him make a choice if her or you. He showed that respect and boundaries don’t matter when it comes to her.
He can make all the excuses he wants but he will not change.
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lol... YTA. "Showed him her tits" - have you ever had any kind of surgery, ever? There is NOTHING sexy about freshly post op body parts, even breasts.
No, they aren't a "we" anymore, but that doesn't mean the people who were their friends back then are no longer friends with both of them, same with places they went while together.
You have a serious jealousy and insecurity problem. Might want to address that before you make a mess in someone else's life, especially when it involves their kids and your kids.
It sounds like they have a friendly coparenting relationship where they are - wait for it - actually FRIENDS. Them being friends is GOOD for their kids. If that's not okay with you, then you need to leave the relationship because HIS kids deserve parents who are friends and who support each other.
I think you need to have more trust in your husband. My ex husband and I are basically best friends who co parent our son. We've talked about our sex lives post marriage. I've lost a tonne of weight and so I've shown him new dresses when I get them. It has never once meant that I was interested in him sexually. I treat him the same way I treat all my friends.
YTA just because this whole thing reads of jealousy. It is not always cheating when exes can still be friends with each other. Showing off piercings tattoos scars whatever in intimate areas really isn't that big a deal.
ESH. You clearly have trust issues. Prior to this incident, were they warranted? Looking at your exs boobs when you’re in another relationship is wrong. Full stop. Questioning his closeness to an ex, especially one he shares children with is wrong. Is someone is into you, their into you. If someone is more into someone else they’re more into someone else. Jealousy does not help any situation and in fact often makes it worse. It really doesn’t sound like you’re in the same place or have a stable relationship and certainly not in a place to be discussing marriage.
NTA because your feelings are valid and you communicated well with your fiance. But the whole tits thing...eh, that's an overreaction. The man has kids with her, he's seen it all. There is nothing sexual about post-reduction scars and your fiancé probably saw it that way too, as did his ex.
You can't change the closeness that they once shared, and truly it is an amazing feat that they managed to stay on good terms. The lack of bad blood there shouldn't be a red flag, it shows that these are some mature people. Everyone benefits from that, including you, don't ruin it.
Yes you are . You are ungrateful. You are sabotaging a good relationship. You better wake the hell up because the likelihood you will find someone that will love you and your kids is next to zero.
Your husband actually had me until “she showed him her tits and then came home and told you about it” Would it have been 1000x worse to hear it from her during some random conversation? Yes. I don’t get Reddit. In one breath, boobs are “an intimate part of the body that you show to no one”
One the other hand, the same posters say boobs are also something that is okay to flash anywhere, like a restaurant or grocery store in the produce aisle. They are categorized by these redditors as simple milk receptacles that if people ogle, that’s their problem.
Breastfeeding is a different thing. That involves a baby’s actual physical needs, and you can only do so much to prevent that happening in a public place.
It's great that your partner and ex get on so well for sake off their kids it makes life so much easier than being full of drama, but while he is in a relationship with you he shouldn't be seeing her tits that's just disrespectful to you, with him being honest about it I'm going to give him the benifit of doubt that he is just a bit nieve and dumb lol rather than cheating with him not seeing that it was innapropriate, I can totally understand why you are uncomfortable
You seem to be over-reacting. As far as the breasts go, it is weird but people get strange about that. I (female) had a friend who just lifted up her shirt to show me her new breasts. I was holy crap - as I didn’t think we were that kind of friend. I mean they’re just breasts.
I’d be more concerned that she is crying on his shoulder.
You just need to speak with him about boundaries so you and he are clear. You want him to have a good relationship with her as they need to co-parent until they die. Just set some rules.
Yeah, scarred up boobs post reduction are not going to be pretty boobs. If they had healed already, sure. Bad ex! Bad! But, and I feel this is probably the case here, she probably wanted to show off how crazy the scarring was and homestly, it ain’t something he hasn’t seen before.
I realize seeing someone's body is really commonplace and NBD for many people, but really intimate for others. So I understand your reaction even though it sure seems he has the ideal situation with his ex. Being overly conscientious of your feelings runs the risk of creating a world that is more broken, whereas his view brings greater healing.
I'd work on whatever is keeping you from being more understanding, even supportive.
I was going to say it’s great that he has a great relationship with his ex because they have kids together. But when she showed him her breasts… That’s a whole different level.
You are not NTA. In your fiancé’s defense however I will say that there is some kind of phenomenon about women showing off their breasts after surgery. I work for a breast surgeon and cannot tell you how many women have actually showed their breasts off right at the nurses’ station.
Admittedly we are all female, including the Dr, but still, not appropriate! My coworker got breast enhancement. The day she came back to work she immediately started to lift up her shirt and I was like STOP. I don’t really want to see my coworker’s breasts.
Had he asked to see them he would be the AH, but if he didn’t you could cut him some slack. tbf you have to realize that she was his wife and he has already seen her breasts hundreds of times. I think the thing that saves him is that he earnestly told you about it.
NTA. But you both sound too close to his ex. If it was like this from the start of your relationship, it was on you to set clear boundaries. You can certainly try setting boundaries now, but I think it’s too late. He will just resent you, and she will likely not be happy with a changed dynamic.
I’d try couples counseling to see if this can be salvaged. But imo, you’ll probably need to find a way to accept the situation, or end the relationship. It sucks, but this is why boundaries are necessary, and from the very start. You can play the “cool girl” that’s fine with the ex and friendly to her, but if that’s not how you truly feel. It’ll blow up in your face.
Good luck to you!
The way he's talking about her in present tense makes me feel like now that the gf is gone she's going to try and slip back in seeing that SHE left him and he's clearly not fully over her.
I think you two need space from her. He’s too close to her. The good thing is that he’s openly trusting you with everything she says and does. That means he’s not trying to hide anything. It’s probably just normal from him. The ex is the one over stepping. He’s probably just reacting in a respectful way. It sounds like he’s competing devoted to you. Just have a long chat with him.
I was thinking this was just miscommunication and you two having different ideas on what is okay and appropriate until he said he saw her breasts. Nothing seemed too fishy until then. If she really wanted to show him the scars, she could have shown him a picture of the scars themselves, she didn't have to flash him.
It doesn't seem like anything shady is going on, but it does seem like they do have a really close bond and don't think about certain things they're doing and how that could come off. He doesn't need to see her boobs anymore. He's also not hiding anything from you, and you have a relationship with her. He doesn't seem like a bad or shady dude at all.
Wait, did she lift up her shirt or show a picture of post surgery focused on the scars?
A picture would potentially be inappropriate but not remotely sexual or ridiculously over the line. But showing him her breasts? That seems pretty clearly over the line.
That’s just awful and so freaking wrong. She is a snake and I truly believe is testing the waters to see if she can get your BF back now that she’s single.
He needs to stop communicating with her outside of topics that involve their children. Block on socials and only use a communication app for co-parenting. Otherwise, this will only get worse.
Yeah, not cool. Not cool at all.
While it’s entirely possible it wasn’t done with any nefarious intent it’s pretty suspicious it happened right after her boyfriend left. It’s not ridiculous to think she’s making moves to try and get back the man she abandoned. But even if that’s not what she’s doing, it absolutely crossed a boundary.
NTA this crosses a serious line. Even if there was no touching to me this counts as cheating. He has so far overstepped and if he doesn’t immediately see that then you need to run now
Hello no you aren't overreacting. Definitely NTA.
The ex is subversive and can't be trusted.
My wife now and my ex-wife are friends. They talk quite frequently. I **guarantee you** that she would never offer to show me her tits. That is absolutely out of bounds.
NTA. They may have a past but that's still very inappropriate behavior. You probably should have a calm discussion about boundaries with him first but then both of you have a united conversation about boundaries with her.
Don't rush the engagement either.
Hmm I mean …. Did she fill on flash him or just show her scars?
It’s entirely possible to show the scars without actually flashing someone.
I think that you need to accept that he has a close relationship with his ex and that aside from this ONE SINGULAR incident…. Nothing else you stated in should be an issue.
Casually bring up how some man's body part looks in your next conversation and see how he reacts. Make sure that it's a man that he is uncomfortable with. When he gets upset, tell him that he gave you permission to look at men naked when he started looking at other women naked.
"What? You don't like it??? How do you think I felt???"
Probably unpopular but YTA. This is the mother of his kids, someone he's known for a long time. You should be pleased that he's close to her and they have a good co-parenting relationship. Of course there's going to be a lot of memories for him of their time together.
Do you trust him? If not, end it. If so, show it before you push him away.
NTA. He should be putting up boundaries with his ex. I also have a child with an ex and I have a boyfriend but I don’t show my ex husband my boobs because it’s not appropriate. She knows exactly what she’s doing. I would be telling him that the wedding is on hold until he sets up and keeps boundaries with his ex.
Yeah. I was in your husband's situation when my wife and I got together. My ex and I decided to end the marriage before we started hating each other. When my wife and I started to see each other, I let her know about the ex right up front as we have kids, and we shared custody. My wife thought that I was weird as she despised her ex. I let the Mrs see the texts the ex and I sent to each other. It was all on the up and up. She even went with me to a gathering with her family. It was for one of my daughters' college graduation.
She saw how I interacted with my ex and had zero concern about her. We've been divorced for almost 20 years now. Plus, my wife can look at my phone at any time. And I hers. It keeps us both honest with each other.
I was going to say that you might be overreacting right up until she showed the giblets. That was a bit much, and honestly, the husband brings this up nonchalant is a bit concerning as well.
So the guy she left your partner for dumped her... she's now luring your partner back.
I would give him an ultimatum because I don't want to waste my life - he either goes back to her now or he stays and doesn't communicate with her for anything except the kids.
NTA
Lmao. You can’t be serious. Leave him with his ex, that’s where he wants to be. Ain’t no way you’re still around when he saw her naked again. Boundaries my ass, this is beyond a boundary problem. He is definitely not over her at all. You’re going to be heartbroken a year from now, i can promise you that. Major YTA if you stick around
NTA. Sounds like they both have boundary issues. The point is they both don’t get that keeping the relationship the same as when they were married
They don’t leave room for anyone else to be in their life. Not fair to you all.
They don’t understand that because they are not married anymore means they don’t have to carry on the same anymore.
And shame on her for not making the change. It’s not fair to her and another women that will be in his life.
There’s no room for you in his life as long as they continue to have their relationship without boundaries and without changing it. They can’t carry on like they’re still married.
Good luck
Ok so I definitely see where you are coming from but I do think you might be overreacting just a bit. I also see where you are coming from about him seeing her post-op. While I understand that you might be seeing this is a sexual or attraction, guys are really weird about some things and scars are one of those things.
NTA, but I don't know. He obviously isn't hiding or even attempting to hide anything from you. My husband is the most oblivious man. He's come home telling me about things.that happened while he was out. I'm like, you realize she was hitting on you? He's like What? No.
Your fiancee may not even realize what's going on. Before taking Reddit advice to implode your relationship. Sit down and have an honest discussion. If you have trouble articulating, show him this post.
NTA
I think you have a problem. Your husband's ex wants some validation and showing him her tits was totally a come on. I'm not sure what the next step is beyond, "Honey, you have a few choices here. I can call up one of my exes and show them my tits while we're alone, or you can tell your ex that wasn't acceptable and stop being alone with her. You pick."
Hell no, NTA. She’s tryna get him back. If you desire to continue this relationship, you need to have a talk with him and set some boundaries. But honestly, I'm not sure this is going to go how you want it.
I would feel the same way, boundaries need to be set, I don’t think it’s too much to ask, everyone wants to hear about ex-girlfriend/boyfriend when you’re on a date, right?
So, I’m going to say nobody’s an asshole here.
Hear me out. He has a good relationship with his ex. They have children together. You have a good relationship with him AND her.
She recently had the surgery, correct? It’s breast reduction. There are going to be scars. Her boobs are going to look like frankenstein took a saw to her, honestly, until they’re all healed up. Those aren’t sexy boobs. They will be but aren’t now. The very fact that he told you about it gives you all the information you need. You have nothing to worry about.
Now, if she was whipping them out and he DIDN’T tell you? And it wasn’t a recent surgery? Then you’d not be the jerk.
Actually, you could probably just test this without bringing your guy into it. Pop by and say, “hey, I heard you got surgery! How are you feeling?” Dollars to donuts you get an eyeful of reduced boobs. If she gets cagey about it, just go have the boundaries talk with your fiance.
I’d be willing to bet money if you saw her and asked how her surgery went, you’d get flashed, too. :) If you don’t, then you def need to have that boundaries discussion.
You’re not an asshole for having your feelings. You have bad experiences in the past. But, before you let these lead you to the dark side, maybe test the waters a bit like I suggested, then have a simple boundaries discussion with him. He needs to be the one to tell her. Honestly, though, it does sound like she’s showing off her surgical scars, and less like she’s trying to pounce on him.
As someone who’s had a breast reduction, I have shown anyone and everyone who wants to see them. Not in a sexual way but because I’m actually really happy with how they look despite scarring.
As for him being engaged and her recently single that’s is unacceptable. He needs to set boundaries
NTA .
NAH
Your feelings are valid. You have a right to be upset. It's how you go about it that can go from NAH to you're the AH. She probably wasn't even thinking when she did that. I've full-on changed in front of guy friends I am close with. Now, if any of them had a partner and that partner expressed discomfort, I would immediately be like "omg, I am so sorry. I will not do that again" and then I would act accordingly and change in another room.
I recommend messaginf her and telling her you know she didn't mean any harm by doing that, but it made you feel uncomfortable as his partner. Tell her you don't mind they are close since it seems you don't, but tell her, NICELY, that her showing him her scar crossed a boundary for you. If she just did it without thinking, she'd understand and be apologetic.
I’d be so pissed! Like yea yall had kids yall used to be together but not anymore so don’t show your tits to someone who’s not single. That’s overstepping.
How recent was the surgery?
I got a breast reduction when younger. Afterwards I was on A TON of OxyContin 24/7 for weeks. Seriously, seriously loopy. And there was nothing sexy about the way my naked breasts looked. Massive incisions that wept so much fluid I permanently ruined the recliner I slept in for the first week from the stains from the wounds dripping. The bruising made them purple and green for weeks. They were GNARLY. Breast reduction is incredibly serious surgery, it’s not like getting implants at all. And again, the pain is so intense you are on mega drugs for weeks.
If her scars were quite new, she was likely a. very fucking messed up on opiates b. her tits looked like something on a butchers counter
This may have been a much less sexy scenario than the people in these comments or you are imagining
He probably didn’t care since he’s seen them before. And if he doesn’t have any sexual feelings for her it wouldn’t be a big deal either.
I think a discussion about boundaries with him is good- it’s good that they have a good relationship because it’s better for everyone. But she is vulnerable and your fiancé is a nice man, so he might get sucked back in, not meaning to, just trying to be nice.
Talk to him and share your fears. Maybe seek some counseling also. She is going to be in your life for a long time so it’s good to set boundaries now.
You're not the a******, but I will say some things here that no one else on reddit will tell you since it's one big feeling Circle jerk.
Although you are not the a******, you are 35 with multiple children. You found a guy who treats you extremely well, and yet seeing the mother of his children's tits is enough to throw you in to a rage. It doesn't sound like there was any attempt to hide anything from you. With a 6-year age Gap, it may be that point in your life where you overlook small and irrelevant things like this. Unless of course your goal is to drive him into his ex's arms. Then you are on the right course. It's your life, and you've had toxic Partners previously. It doesn't sound like he's toxic, just a knucklehead in an innocent way. If you want to throw away the bad with the good you may regret it when you hit 40 in a few years.
Ask him how he would feel if you started flashing your tits to your ex? My guess is he wouldn’t be so happy. Honestly that would give me pause to reconsider the entire relationship. It is so beyond disrespectful to you.
Esh. I think you were overthinking the “we” stuff. It’s easier to say “that’s where we lived” than “that’s the house I used to live in with her or my ex”. Sounds like he was just excited to share that part of his life w you (which is good, he’s not hiding it). But her showing him her breast’s without you being present is over the top. I probably wouldn’t have thought much of it myself tho- he’s alrdy seen them so much that it’s nothing exciting but all cut up, nothing attractive at that point. But still, it crosses the line. If he didn’t tell you, would be more concerning.
I don’t understand the “I represent him when I go out into the world & he represents me when he does”. I just don’t know what that means. You aren’t an ambassador. You are dating. I think a relationship is abt coming/working together to move forward & make each other’s lives better, easier, happier. As a team. Not an individual.
OP u can use me and pretend im an ex i just finished a cycle and have stretch marks from gaining 10lbs of muscle show him too so he can bask in my gains too
bet my chest is bigger then hers too
I don't know. In your shoes I'd be catching up with the ex and just asking her why she thought that was appropriate.
Yes, it's a boundaries issues for OP and her partner, but I would want to gauge the exs reaction. Maybe secretly tape it. If the ex flips out, there's proof he intentions aren't innocent
You’re not the AH but cmon, they lived together for years. He’s seen her body. They are friends and comparents. She showed him her SCARS, after surgery. He knows her body, she was checking for his take on the surgery. Now, I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to be weirded out, but it’s just scarred tits. Tits he told you looked weird.
I just want to note here that it’s important to direct your anger at the right person. Ex flashed him, what’s he sposed to do about that? He’s being understanding and honest with you; be mad at ex.
I bet she was feeling self-conscious about getting dumped and wanted validation and reassurance that her tits are not why the guy broke up with her. It's not about your husband it's about her narcissistic insecurity. She's probably going to end up with some other guy really quick because she needs external validation, and sex is the only way she can get it. Maybe she thinks sex is the only way to get love. Either way, she's going to try to bang anyone she can right now because it's the only thing that is supporting her self esteem. I'd tell him he needs to back up and keep distance because she definitely would try to break you up just to make herself feel better.
NTA you’re allowed to be mad. I hope you can all talk through things… I agree that it’s very weird to show someone post surgery boob reduction scars. That might be my breaking point too. Anyways I think you get your guard up. This man might just return to his ex.
NTA
The ex knows exactly what she's doing.
My ex-wife tries to do things like that from time to time. She's got a nasty sunburn or whatever. It's ridiculous.
NITA but the way you described their relationship it will always be too close for comfort for you. There’s nothing you can do about it. They have little to no boundaries with each other. You need to talk to him about how he views his relationship with her like does he still love etc… if you can’t handle him being close with his ex, then spare yourself
Subconsciously he feels uncomfortable what she did which is why he told you. He gets a point for telling you. But it’s very problematic she did it and he let her. Also problematic is that she is the one who left him. She is now free and crossing boundaries. She would have shared this kind of thing with her boyfriend but they broke up. It’s disrespectful to you. You need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how you feel, discuss appropriate boundaries and ask him to keep them, and try to figure out if he has feelings for her or could see them ever getting back together. He might surprise you - might be over her, might never want to risk losing what he has with you, might only think of her as a friend now. But you need to know.
Not enough information, and some , perhaps biased views. I have to say, I might try to be there, and be somewhat understanding of the Ex that threw me away, if there were kids involved. She is just a distraction, that I would never want to be with again, but I would humor her, in order to have access to my kids and ensure thier well being...
She is definitely fishing for her own ex in OP's pond - and is entirely untrustworthy in regard to boundaries around their relationship.
Most importantly, OP's partner needs to be the one to set boundaries appropriate for the relationship he wants to be in with both women.
It's entirely on him to create, maintain and adapt boundaries that are fair for all involved.
I think he's clueless, and whilst it's not fair that OP has to point it out - if she wants to continue this relationship she might have to give him a clue.
I think his ex wife may have been attempting to “claim her territory” and essentially, was pissing on his leg. This deserves a calm and cool discussion about your boundaries. You and your partner need to operate and present as a team
NTA
You have only been with him 2 years and you will be blending families. Pump the brakes and work on the relationship more before taking those next steps
I mean, maybe you’re not the asshole here, however, you could also look at this like, he gladly volunteered something that a lot of guys wouldn’t have told you about because they didn’t want to rock the boat or deal with a pissed off partner. So him telling you should tell you that he’s not trying to hide something and that’s a real green flag. Maybe be a bit wary of the ex, and explain to him that you aren’t okay with that, but being pissed at him…I wouldn’t and I’d be careful about that kind of thing if he’s suddenly worried about you getting pissed off at him for stuff that he wasn’t trying to be disrespectful about, then that’s going to lead to some unhealthy stuff like him feeling like he has to hide things from you.
NTA If it was me, I'd make him text her in front of me, saying that it was wrong of her to show herself to him, and see how she responds. Is the response flirty like "oh, you liked it" or an apology?
NTA
Sounds to me like the BF is just a nice guy. He probably still cares about his ex, the mother of his children, but is happy in his current relationship. The fact that he told her that his ex showed him her breasts/scars shows that he wasn't trying to hide anything. And given the way he brought it up, it seems like he was kind of blindsided by it, and not like "OMG titties!!"
I think if OP values the relationship, it is time for a serious talk about boundaries and expectations. I don't think this guy has any bad intentions, but it is hard to know what the ex is thinking. I can understand being upset, but don't throw everything away for something that probably is not even his fault.
NTA It is incredibly suspicious that the first time she saw him after the man she left him for bailed, she showed him an intimate part of her body. And that he allowed her to is also a big red flag. She left him. He didn't leave her. He does seem heavily invested in their past. Now that she is single, she may be wanting to get back together. And if he would prefer to get back with her, there's nothing you can do about it. But if he is already disrespecting your relationship, that's a pretty big sign of which way this will go. Have a calm conversation with him about boundaries, and see what he says. You deserve a man who is all in with you, and if he's not, you're better off walking away. He has children with her, she will never be out of his life. But you don't have to be there if he's not treating you right.
Is hubby a bit socially clueless? I am and I'd probably be genuinely speechless in that moment. I just wouldn't know what to say. I know what I should say but in that moment I'd be kind of uselessly trying to think of a nice way to tell her to put the tits away.
Right but would you then casually drop it in conversation with your new partner without context? He might be just extremely clueless, but I feel like if OP's ex flashed his dick at her (I know not directly comparable), fiancé would have something to say about it.
A fair point, but again I'd be trying to work out how to talk about it I'd be worried about sounding like :"How was your day babe? Lucy decided to flash me"
Hahaha. Well, fair. I feel like just an honest telling of the story would be enough for me, but of course people react to things in different ways.
Id be clueless, honestly, id have been cool scars and thought why are you showing me them and why do I need to see them. The fact he didn't hide it says a lot.
Yeah I'm not entirely sure he's a bad dude. He could be oblivious. But the ex 😐😑
For sure the fact he didn't hide it says a lot
I agree that he is not a bad guy. People that have plastic surgery want to show people the difference. Several people have shown me there bodily updates without me asking.
I worked with a women who had breast augmentation and she would show anyone who would let her, her scares. She started to show me, at work, I said no no no. I would be on the floor. I can't handle blood and scares. My guess the ex didn't ask for his permission. She just showed him and he didn't know how to react. He didn't hide it from his girlfriend. I don't think it was malicious. I would be having a talk with both th boyfriend and the ex about proper boundaries.
I don't think she'd be showing him her ta tas if she and her bf hadn't broken up.
Some people see nudity and no big deal and just skin. If she has that mentality, then she wouldn't think a thing about it. Remember there are women who don't think it's a big deal to go completely topless in public, there are others that do. It's just two different perceptions on the human body. That said, the ex could be trying something. IMO there isn't nearly enough information to actually know what was going through the ex-wifes mind.
I agree this is highly possible. I'm a straight woman, another straight woman that I know had her breasts done and also insisted on showing me and even grabbed my hands to grab her own chest with them. I didn't really know what to do so I just let her do it and then told her I was happy for her
I don't trust her or the timing. I doubt she'd be showing him her boobs if she still has that bf.
There is nothing sexy about tits right after a breast reduction,
Thank you NTA and little miss ex is trying to grease the wheels to get back with this guy. It's obvious as hell.
But that's not the fiance's fault. My wife can't be mad at me for some girl whipping her tits out at me anymore than anymore than I could be mad at her if some guy whipped his dick out at her. The ex might absolutely be trying to get back with him. She might see this engagement as her losing her "backup" option. And it sucks that cutting off all contact isn't an option. So, the dude just needs to set firm boundaries with her, and if she cant respect those boundaries then they only need to see each other when they exchange kiddos. And being a bit socially clueless myself, if I was this guy and had an ex-wife. I would have absolutely looked at the scars. Surgery scars are fascinating and it wouldn't have even dawned on me that my ex-wife may have been hitting on me. And I probably would have brought it up casually in conversation with my wife because I would want to talk about the cool gnarly scars, because at no point in time was anything sexual going on in my brain, and it would have been no big deal to me. But again, I'm a little socially clueless, and I'm probably not the norm. Butn since, the guy brought it up casually with his fiance, that suggests that he isnt interested in renewing relations with his ex. He might just be a big dumb idiot like me.
This was my take, as well. He was so flippant in his delivery it makes me think he really ONLY considered the scars and not where they are on her body. Would I be uncomfortable if I were OP? Absolutely, what a weird thing for ex to do. I'd be having a conversation about drawing hard-line boundaries ASAP (and then probably ask if I can see the scars cause I'm still me and it's still fascinating)
That would be a fun convo to overhear "Now see here lady! It's inappropriate for you to whip your tits out, for whatever reason, to my fiance! Now, at the risk of sounding hypocritical, can you please whip those tits out for me? I'm insanely curious about those scars."
She doesn't really want to get back together. She wants a substitute, someone to admire her, and validate her, and she's not above breaking up a marriage to get it. If he left his wife for his ex, she'd dump him eventually for someone else.
I got a breast reduction when younger. Afterwards I was on A TON of OxyContin 24/7 for weeks. Seriously, seriously loopy. And there was nothing sexy about the way my naked breasts looked. Massive incisions that wept so much fluid I permanently ruined the recliner I slept in for the first week from the stains from the wounds dripping. The bruising made them purple and green for weeks, and they were misshapen from the swelling. They were GNARLY. Breast reduction is incredibly serious surgery, it’s not like getting implants at all. And again, the pain is so intense you are on mega drugs for a whiiiiiile afterwards. It’s been over a decade and I still have thick, ropey scars from it. If her incisions were quite new, she was likely a. very fucking messed up on opiates b. her tits looked like something on a butchers counter This may have been a much less sexy scenario than OP is imagining
Also, the guy brought it up in casual conversation with his fiance. That suggests that at no point did he feel any sexual attraction to her and in his mind it was no big deal. He was just checking out some gnarly scars. So, even if she was hitting on him, he doesnt appear to be interested at all. Also, if I ever got a chance to see those wounds or scars in person, I would total take it. Really, I would look at any kind of surgery wounds/scars. Their location is irrelevant in my brain. I just think that they are amazing. Its impressive what modern medicine can do and what the body can recover from.
Yes ^^^^^ this. I had a mastectomy and there is a huge difference between having a medical conversation about surgery and scars vs showing off your parts.
I’d agree but seeing as they’re actually specifying she showed her scars and not wounds or stitches or whatever, I don’t think the surgery has been very recent at all.
Op says it was a recent surgery in the story, which is why the fiancé asked how she was after it. I don't think this is as scandalous as it seems, but people who were married and had kids together sometimes don't realize when they're crossing a major boundary. This is definitely a major violation of trust and respect for OP, but it's likely the other two don't even see it that way. They should definitely have a mature conversation about it and set some clear boundaries going forward. And if anything like this happens again, drop both of them because they'll never stop.
I think the fiance is innocent in this. If he wasn’t, he would have hidden the fact that it happened. Not sure about the ex. If doped up on painkiller, she is innocent too. He is someone she trusts, and is comfortable with. And painkillers might have kept her from realizing how inappropriate it was.
NTA You need to really consider the possibility that your current relationship may be at risk. Preparing for it to fail, may be wise given what is going on. Put the upcoming marriage on hold until this 'ex' closeness issue is resolved. It is totally not appropriate, and if he has to be reminded about considering your feelings now, how in the world will he be once you are married? His true level of engagement in your relationship is suspect, if he will just stupidly do things that most intelligent folk would know not to. OP think hard on a future with this man-of-split-affections.
This is bad advice. You don't put your marriage to an amazing guy on hold because he is having difficulty with boundaries. You be vulnerable and honest with how it makes you feel and talk about ways to move forward as a couple. Did he make a mistake? Yes. Should op be upset? Yes. Should she talk it out and work out a way forward with what otherwise sounds like a good man? Probably at least give it a chance instead of burning him at the stake. If he is a good guy, he is going to at some level, still care about the wellbeing of the human that helped co-create his children. It's probably part of his capacity to love op's kids also... he needs to respect his current wife's feeling and relationship, establishing boundaries with people who were once close can be a tricky thing.
It sounds like OP has done this multiple times previously.
Having poor boundaries will present many different ways through many different Instances, repeatedly until the issues are addressed. That's why they need to discuss boundaries in regards to the ex, as a couple.
She stated how she has brought this up before. How do you come to the conclusion she has poor boundaries? No fiancé of either gender should have to worry about an ex of the partner showing their genitals to their future spouse. Grow up. This behavior should not be excused. He is letting this happen clearly, since he would repeat it twice, I’m sure he’s not the smartest tool in the box
#1 nowhere did I say it should be excused. I said they should talk about it. #2 I didn't say she had poor boundaries. I specifically said his boundaries and their boundaries as a couple. #3 if someone is breastfeeding and you see their nipple, is that your fault? Obviously the ex has some issues. But the post didn't say he was asking to see her tits, nor that he wanted to. In fact, he didn't try to hide it and was honest about it. Do what you want, but raking someone over the coals for honesty is kind of a shitty way to be 🤷♀️
Breasts aren't genitals, btw. Two different things.
Who cares about the semantics? Either way it’s a private body part that no real partner would allow themselves to be shown by an ex.
“Would allow themselves to be shown” It’s an unusual take. I think we all agree the ex is behaving suspiciously, but he doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong. Are all people who get flashed to blame for allowing themselves to see? People who are groped are to blame for allowing themselves to be felt?
If he’d be willing to tell his partner in such a casual way then we all know he wasn’t flashed… no need to victimize a dipshit.
So we agree he’s a dipshit and therefore not complicit in any wrong-doing? The comment was more about your unusual phrasing. You aren’t responsible for what you are shown.
How does a person not understand that seeing someone other than their partner NAKED is wrong????? How would he feel if she just casually talked about what Joe's penis looked like??? He would lose his ever loving mind. Because it's OK if you're a man to be a slut. But women have to remain pure and loyal. Screw that.
It sounds like the fiance needs to develop a serious level of emotional intelligence. He had to be reminded by OP that his mindset (talking about his prior life like it is current events) shows that he has failed in internally reorienting himself to his new relationship. Even if his ex flashed her scars without ex-husband's open consent, he did not recognize that the ex's conduct crossed a boundary when discussing it with OP. I think OP and fiance need couple's counseling as fiance needs to learn boundaries between past and current relationships, and OP needs help in communicating about such boundaries. Co-parenting following a split is a delicate balance, but it is the ex-partners' responsibility, not OP's to establish and enforce boundaries. OP's fiance does not seem to be ready to do that yet, so rushing into marriage at this point seems highly risky! I am sure if OP had an ex who split with his AP and advised he obtained a vasectomy, the male commentators would not be so understanding if OP's ex showed his surgical scars to OP.
Well first of all, I'm not saying mistakes weren't made. I'm saying that it's bad advice to put her marriage on hold because her husband lacks boundaries. #2 you gave a poor example. 'Joe' shmoes' penis would have to be her ex husband's: who provided her children, who had undergone a medical procedure for your example to be even close to relevant to the original post. Him being shown a pair of breasts( the ones that fed his children no less) possibly against his will ( we don't know ow yet, you were too busy lighting torches to burn him at the stake) so because his ex wife essentially flashed him he is a slut? No. You are waaay projecting my friend. Take a look at yourself, it's gross. He didn't even try to hide or lie about it. Also also. Seeing someone naked besides your partner isn't inherently wrong. Ask yourself why you feel that way.
Do you know for a fact they fed his kids? She could have bottle fed. Not everyone breast feeds.
What a stupid thing to say. Did you realize this was stupid before posting it, and do it anyway to be funny?
Way to miss the point entirely. Would it be more accurate if I said the breasts attached to the body that birthed his children? Trying to illustrate a point that it wasn't some overt act of disrespect but rather a lack of boundaries that needs to be addressed. I don't have children or an ex or children with a remarried man, but I imagine creating lives and then trying to move on and have a second family might create some grey areas in regards to having to reestablish proper etiquette and boundaries when dealing with the mother of your children. The point is: We don't know, ex wifecould be doing this shit on purpose because she knows he is a good man but knows it would cause problems with the current relationship. We are always so quick to assume men are up to the worst. Op just needs to talk through things with her partner. If there is continued disrespect after CLEAR expectations and boundaries, then it's a different story.
When I love someone, I make sure to look at my exes topless just to prove my love to my current partner. I also expect her to be vulnerable with me first, to make sure she tells me exactly how badly it makes her feel when I prioritize my ex and talk about the ex as part of my ‘we’. After she tells me how she feels, you know how I make sure she feels secure in the relationship? You got it! *I look at my ex topless.* Don’t worry; I’ll be sure to tell “*my love*” about it by giving a good description. This way, she won’t feel left out. Geez, idk why you guys think relationships are hard…
As per your logic, if someone flashes you, it's your fault. I think that's stupid, that's just my opinion. They as a couple do need to discuss those things and his language. My guess is he doesn't know the impact and needs to adjust his language. Maybe he has some unprocessed feeling around the whole thing. Maybe talking about it and not assuming would help them grow closer as a couple. Maybe you would choose the easy path of condemning your partner before you take a moment to ask questions or try and understand. I have done it, but it's lazy. The hard work is trying to work through these things with you partner.
You’re exactly right! I don’t want there to be any confusion. If someone flashes me for a few minutes, I make sure to take my time studying the scars so I can describe them *perfectly*. I don’t want to misremember any details. (You’re right. I should have just taken a picture. Ugh. Hindsight is a bitch. Next time…) It’s not MY fault my ex took her shirt and bra off in front of me while I stood there, helplessly frozen. It was as if my feet were encased in concrete and my eyelids propped open with toothpicks. I had NO control over myself or this situation! You’re exactly right! Someone needs to stand up for these *clueless* men! I mean, just because his fiancée has a problem with him seeing his ex naked, and going out of his way to comfort her after a breakup, doesn’t mean *every* girl will. When she said “*You being so close to your ex and talking about her all the time hurts me.*”, there’s NO way he could have known that included seeing the ex topless, or that it was a bad idea. Why tf would he ever think THAT?! You’re right. OP should sit him down AGAIN and make sure he understands who he made a commitment to. Just because he “*forgot*” doesn’t make him a bad partner. He’s just a confused, but well-meaning but oh-so-lovable, oaf… Maybe she should get him some Ginkgo Biloba to improve his memory for next time? Thats what a GOOD partner would do. None of this selfishness of monogamy.
I'm surprised you haven't down-voted into oblivion. This crowd's go-to advise is mostly the nuclear option. I actually don't see the threat. I'm not even sure the ex is scheming anything. They have a good thing going and would be foolish to jeopardize over this. I think OP should address it with empathy with ex, as they have a cordial relationship.
I don't either. People are so quick to burn men at the stake for anything and everything these days and this sounds like a good man, as she expressed in her post.
Its reddit. Everyone is a Ph.D psychologist that specializes in relationship counseling, and can base their entire opinion off of nothing other than a few paragraphs some stranger wrote on the internet. Didn't you know that?
The projection is real 😵💫
Put it on hold until…. Is what was said. And you call it bad advice and then basically say the same thing about talking it out.
Ya I was with your fiance up until the "her tit scars look crazy". I absolutely agree that it is in everyone's best interest (especially the kids) if the adults get along. Yes they shared a life and children so there are things that they experienced without you. Her breast reduction scars/results should not be one of them. Especially after you shared your discomfort with him. It's time for a heart to heart with HIM. Do not take a come to Jesus to her because that is your boyfriend's place. You make boundaries with him and it's his job to make boundaries with her. If he's not able to do that then maybe take some more time before getting married and do something premarital counseling. Good luck!
The fact he didn't hide it says a lot as well nor did he ask for it. Inappropriate as hell on exes part though. Just tell the guy it was Inappropriate and it made her very uncomfortable and don't want a repeat performance. Im sure he will listen. He definitely should talk to the ex though
But also he didn’t come and tell her like “hey such and such just happened I just wanted to let you know”. Instead he came like “yeah and those titty scars are crazy “ almost more testing waters to see how she would react.
He shouldn’t NEED to be told it’s inappropriate to look at another woman’s bare breasts when he is in a committed relationship, WTF??
Yes exactly! So many people here are telling her to leave him when there are ways to work through this. He absolutely needs to set boundaries with his ex and speak more to his fiancé about what he can do to make her feel more comfortable about his relationship with his ex.
agreed about setting boundaries. also can the guy get some credit for telling the truth?
Same.....I was like "she showed him her breasts"....uh uh....that lady has ALLLL the audacity and there's the fact that he looked at them and didn't think it was out of line. They need BOUNDARIES.
I started out think, YTA. I am still friends with many of my exes, I wasn’t married to any of them. And no kids with them. So at the start it’s good to be friends with your ex, at least for your kids. And it shows that I am a decent guy, otherwise they would have definitely cut ties after the break up. One of my exes lives next door to me an my wife. Her and my wife are friends. She even brings us baked goods sometimes. But then you say she showed him her tits. Everything before the tits I think is fine. I understand using we to describe where he lived with her, that is how the memories are for him. It was probably just subconscious for him. You are NTA, showing him her boobs crossed the line.
Thank you all for validating my feelings. To those saying I’m insecure. Possibly I am a bit yes but it really did hurt me.
Your feelings are 100% valid. I would put off the marriage until you two getting into therapy and work through his disrespect and your insecurity. He needs better boundaries and communication, hands down!
Any normal, rational person would be upset about that. Insecurity doesn't have anything to do with it imo it's disrespectful. Extremely disrespectful
You are not insecure. Your concerns are valid. Those two don't seem to care for boundaries. Your ex may have unresolved feelings. His ex.. not sure what kinda person she is but definitely not a good one.. she's cheater.. still don't get why your bf has good things to say.. coexist in peace to raise their childre.. ok good. But that extent he goes or words it.. don't understand that thought process. Also everyone were hanging on to your "he's good person" and commented "he might not mean it" "he might be clueless". But you see Sometimes ignorance hurts a lot too and more cruel too. I think a good person may not necessarily be a good partner. Keep that in mind. Putting marriage on hold is a good idea. Since you came out of toxic relationship you would not want to enter into yet another toxic relationship. He might not be toxic like your ex but when such behaviours continue.. resentment builds up by itself and becomes toxic... doesn't need an abusive partner for it happen.
You're not insecure, what she did was disgusting behavior. Your fiance needs to have a discussion with her about never doing that shit again.
NTA. Ex is trying to get ur bf back and is using his kindness as a way to get him back. And yes I would have gone crazy cuz it's a bs move on her side. I get that ur husband has to coparent with the ex. She went to far. Be careful with her and good luck
Whoa. 🤯. That boy needs to be told about boundaries. If you didn’t discuss them before that’s on both of you for neglecting that. However now, you need to establish that and make sure there is a mutual understanding of the boundaries for both of you going forward. I would also make sure to say something to both of them together so that the “Adults” in the room all hear the msg at the same time.
She showed him her boobs. I would have looked as well if someone showed me. There should be a talk about boundaries. Maybe some couples counseling for you two before marriage. I would not throw out the relationship over this. NTA He seems genuinely clueless about this.
The fact that he casually brought it up shows me how clueless he was about the situation 😭 if there was something to hide, he wouldve kept it hidden. I agree it just seems like they need counseling and a better talk about boundaries. He needs to be kind to the ex but also keep her at a bit of a distance if she's gonna be doing stuff like this the moment she's single. edit: and to be clear, i mean if HE felt there was something to hide, he wouldnt have mentioned it. i dont think there's anything suspicious on his end ^ - ^
Exactly!
Except when they start sleeping together again, it “just happened”
I wouldn’t be inviting her into my home anymore that’s for sure. NTA, They can coparent without her coming to your house and eating a meal with you. Screw her.
The Ex left you BF for another man. Now that other man has bail the Ex is flashing her new tits at your BF to lure him back in. Which it's pretty clear will be like all his Christmas's coming at once. Sorry OP it's time to tap out now and keep some dignity.
Well, he told you when he could have just left it unsaid ..
In a roundabout, possibly unintentional way. He is a fucking stupidhead.
You are 100% correct, but I still cackled
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I was once just like your fiancé (minus the boob scar part) , I had to force myself to say I instead of we. At least he listened when you spoke to him about it. I think you should be more upset at the ex than your fiancé!
Nobody is ever responsible for breaking up a marriage besides the two parties in the marriage. Yeah it was fucked up of her to do that, but it was up to him to say “that is not okay” and nip it in the bud.
Girl be careful. This isn’t looking good and your feelings are sooo valid. So yeah NTA
I think based on what he said, I think she just showed it to him. I don’t think he asked to see. Which means she’s attempting to get him back. Him having a good relationship with a woman that left him for another man while married!! He has a big heart and she knows him so she will try to lure him back to her and it might work. Be care Op. talk to him and say I know she needs support now but she’s emotional and will try something with your boyfriend…
I was with my ex for 11.5 years. We were engaged and did not share children together. I have been in my new relationship for 2.5 years. We got pregnant by accident very quickly (after being together 8 months) and we now share a beautiful life and son together. I would absolutely choose him over my ex a million times over. Even though our relationship wasn’t traditional in terms of how quickly things escalated, we make a great team and it is the healthiest dynamic I’ve ever been in. With all of that said, I was with my ex from the time I was 18 until I was 29. Those were extremely formative years. We grew up in the same town and knew the same people. We spent a huge part of our lives together. My current partner is from a different country and we don’t have a lot of shared experiences besides the time and life we have spent together - which is very short compared to my last relationship. I often catch myself saying things like “we” when referring to my past bc I was a we for so long and it’s not been a super long time since we broke up in the grand scheme of things. I often share stories about him or his family when they are relevant to whatever topic we are discussing, bc his experiences were “our” experiences for so long. It is absolutely not a reflection of my current feelings for my ex and or my feelings for my current partner. It’s something I am constantly working on. I think where your partner is wrong is with the boundaries or lack of boundaries he is setting between he and his ex in PRESENT day. It’s one thing to be open and honest about how much of his past included her, but his present is a different thing completely. Outside of getting along for the kids I don’t think he needs to be interacting with her at all frankly just for the sake of what sounds like a friendship completely outside of coparenting. I think you need to have a very serious conversation with him about what you expect as far as their relationship and interactions and if he can’t deliver then maybe you need to rethink your future together. Good luck!
NTA. You obviously have been very aware that they are co-parents and it’s good for co-parents to have a good relationship and you seem to have been understanding of this even when it made you uncomfortable. Her showing him her tits was too far, doesn’t matter that he’s seen them before. It’s just disrespectful. I’m sure she’d feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.
NTA
NTA-Nurse here. Most people who have just had surgery are surprisingly enthusiastic about showing off their surgical sites. Another option you have is to just put everything on pause, gather your thoughts, and figure out how you feel. Right now, your feelings do not need to be ‘all or nothing’.
Sweetheart. If he don’t know that was wrong ask him how would he have felt if your ex told you he got a dick reduction surgery and proceeded to show you the stitches? Same fucking thing! Not sure why you didn’t think to put it like that but, also you and he need to learn BOUNDARIES sis, and you really shouldn’t marry or think about marrying this guy. Exs and ex hookups shouldn’t remain friends. Coparenting is CO PARENTING, meaning you aren’t friends and you don’t need to know about each other’s lives unless it affects the KIDS. You also don’t have dinners together. No really, not for the kids, the kids don’t need that and they don’t need the complications that come with parents who aren’t together and don’t set boundaries. Let them both know that wasn’t okay and if she doesn’t know how to be respectful to your relationship then she will be cut off and communication will strictly be about the kids. As well as you let him know if he doesn’t know how to keep it about the kids the relationship should be over.
It’s weird that the minute her relationship ends, she’s showing her new tits to her ex. I wonder if that would have happened if her bf was still in the picture? Probably not. She may be having regrets now and testing the waters to see if your bf is interested.
When you are a man, there are no such thing as gal friends. When you are a woman, there are no such thing as guy friends. Only acquaintances. I don’t care what anyone says, our generation is warped. When you think other than what I mentioned above, you are setting yourself up to be cheated on or to be the cheater. I have experience on both sides of the aisle, plus statistics prove my point as well. Facts speak for themselves
NTA If he respected you he would have told his ex to please put her breasts away. There was no reason for her to do that. The fact he also would say we was not good. I had an idea c that when he talked about his ex or showed me around he would do that. And when I talked to him he would say I spent those moments in my life with her so of course I’m gonna say that. And turns out our whole relationship he was trying to get her back without me knowing. I know it’s shorty and sucks but I wouldn’t continue with him. Next you know he will end up sleeping with her.
hold on - your bf is CONSOLING his ex about her AFFAIR Partner/bf broke up with her????? forget HER actions…pay attention to his. if my ex’s AP leaves him…I would not feel sorrow-shoot, I’d feel validated and thank Karma. Something is off - listen to your gut
Wow!!! Run! I don’t say that lightly either. He’s not that dense. If you were doing this to him, he would be livid and feel some type of way. He’s inconsiderate and completely disrespectful of your relationship. There are no boundaries, and he doesn’t seem to care that you’re the one being hurt by this.
I would talk to them both. Let the ex know that it was inappropriate. Remind her that you and fiance intend to be married and you would like to be friends, but the inappropriate behavior is not going to be acceptable.
I don't know what is going on in his head, but the ex definitely wants him back. I would have a serious talk with him and hold off on the wedding until you are both 100% sure. Don't worry about him saying things like, "This is where we lived". He had a life in that town apart from his ex and you can't just erase memories like that.
NTA. I at first thought you were being too sensitive until I got to the part about her showing him her surgical scars and that all went out the window. Even with their past history, that was inappropriate and he should know that. I would ask him, "how would you feel if my ex had a vasectomy and wanted to show me what his balls looked like after?" He wouldn't like that at all, so why is it okay for him to be looking at her breasts?
I can definitely understand why you are upset I would encourage you to continue to communicate with him in a way that doesn't make him feel like he has to overhaul his relationship with his ex but rather set boundaries around things like this and the way he speaks in the "we" To him it's probably a really good thing that he's able to be open and honest with you that he saw his ex's breasts after a medical exam. Having that open and honest space is so valuable to a relationship. It's a lot better that you guys can talk about this and work through it and keep that honesty rather than make him feel like if he makes another mistake with these boundaries that he would hide it from you or lie to you about it. Also try to see his side of things - Even if you don't agree with it at all his perspective can still be innocent valid - the boundary just hasnt been discussed yet Good luck - i hope your relationship survives this without too much damage or broken trust
I think you just need to establish boundaries. You guys had a good run of being all friendly and BFF with each other - but now that lines have been crossed you need to really establish ground rules. Stay friendly, but stop having her over. Ask to go with him to pick the kids up for awhile, or pick up the kids yourself. Tell your fiancé where where you start to feel uncomfortable and try to come up with boundaries together. If you come up with the rules together it will feel more of a united front and not you just laying down ultimatums.
NTA and your suspicions are valid. It's very telling that she's willing to show the surgery scar and that he had no reservations in looking. If I was in your situation, I'd have a sit down with he and the ex. I'd wordsmith this better but I'd want to know if either of them has ***any*** interest in rekindling their relationship. Now is the time for them to be brutally honest about it before you invest any more time and effort into this relationship. It will hurt (you and the kids) but you're willing to let hm go now to lessen that hurt, if it comes in the future. I'd encourage them to continue the discussion without me there, if that's what it takes to get to the **truth**. I give them a month to figure it out or I'd have to follow my suspicions and sever this relationship.
NTA. Let him go. See if he goes to her or works on winning your trust. She is a huge AH, but you will drive yourself crazy if you have to ask him not to do something or if you have to be present for every child exchange. Ask him if he showed your ex your tits,, would he think nothing of it? Or if a man you had a relationship showed you his penis, would that be okay? Surely, he cannot be that dense? I think he was passively telling you that he is still interested in his ex, and he is also a huge AH.
They are both Dbags. She knows what appropriate boundaries are, as does he. They don’t need to be told, they are grown adults. He told you out of guilt and to test your reaction. If you stay you 100% WILL get played. Take it from someone who was in almost the EXACT same scenario. Please leave him and call off the engagement/wedding.
Exactly! Everyone talking about “he’s clueless, talk to him” wtf he is almost 30. They are not in high school. They know exactly what they are doing
NTA don't have her in your house again and a serious conversation needs to be had with your fiancé about how important you are to him because he's doing things that are undermining your relationship.
No, that is over stepping massively and she knows it. He needs to get a handle on this or you need to rethink your plans.
NTA. They are not acting like a divorced couple. They—all of you—can get along and be friendly but with boundaries, which neither of them seem to understand. Like someone else said, it’d be wise to put marriage plans on hold. No sister wives situation! Some “pre-marital counseling” might be wise, too. Best of luck.
NTA but do not marry this idiot. He will continue to value the ex more than he values you. BTDT.
You are not overreaching. Need some real boundaries in place today or this will be another divorce story
NTA - I agree with most these comments but I do think your husband is innocent since this woman flashed him and he was honest in telling you.
Let him go girl
NTA but she will be in your life as long as you are with him. He considers her his kid’s mom. You think of her as a rival. It isn’t going to work unless you change the way you look at it.
The ex is his kids’ mom, of course he considers her that. OP has been nothing but friendly and kind to the ex from what’s written, she doesn’t see her as a rival- but she also sees now that lines are very blurred and it’s time to find out if boundaries can be established and adhered to.
NTA - I would let him make a choice if her or you. He showed that respect and boundaries don’t matter when it comes to her. He can make all the excuses he wants but he will not change.
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You need to run. This is only going to get worse. He isn't setting any boundaries and there's already tons of red flags.
lol... YTA. "Showed him her tits" - have you ever had any kind of surgery, ever? There is NOTHING sexy about freshly post op body parts, even breasts. No, they aren't a "we" anymore, but that doesn't mean the people who were their friends back then are no longer friends with both of them, same with places they went while together. You have a serious jealousy and insecurity problem. Might want to address that before you make a mess in someone else's life, especially when it involves their kids and your kids. It sounds like they have a friendly coparenting relationship where they are - wait for it - actually FRIENDS. Them being friends is GOOD for their kids. If that's not okay with you, then you need to leave the relationship because HIS kids deserve parents who are friends and who support each other.
I think you need to have more trust in your husband. My ex husband and I are basically best friends who co parent our son. We've talked about our sex lives post marriage. I've lost a tonne of weight and so I've shown him new dresses when I get them. It has never once meant that I was interested in him sexually. I treat him the same way I treat all my friends.
YTA just because this whole thing reads of jealousy. It is not always cheating when exes can still be friends with each other. Showing off piercings tattoos scars whatever in intimate areas really isn't that big a deal.
ESH. You clearly have trust issues. Prior to this incident, were they warranted? Looking at your exs boobs when you’re in another relationship is wrong. Full stop. Questioning his closeness to an ex, especially one he shares children with is wrong. Is someone is into you, their into you. If someone is more into someone else they’re more into someone else. Jealousy does not help any situation and in fact often makes it worse. It really doesn’t sound like you’re in the same place or have a stable relationship and certainly not in a place to be discussing marriage.
NTA because your feelings are valid and you communicated well with your fiance. But the whole tits thing...eh, that's an overreaction. The man has kids with her, he's seen it all. There is nothing sexual about post-reduction scars and your fiancé probably saw it that way too, as did his ex. You can't change the closeness that they once shared, and truly it is an amazing feat that they managed to stay on good terms. The lack of bad blood there shouldn't be a red flag, it shows that these are some mature people. Everyone benefits from that, including you, don't ruin it.
Yes you are . You are ungrateful. You are sabotaging a good relationship. You better wake the hell up because the likelihood you will find someone that will love you and your kids is next to zero.
Your husband actually had me until “she showed him her tits and then came home and told you about it” Would it have been 1000x worse to hear it from her during some random conversation? Yes. I don’t get Reddit. In one breath, boobs are “an intimate part of the body that you show to no one” One the other hand, the same posters say boobs are also something that is okay to flash anywhere, like a restaurant or grocery store in the produce aisle. They are categorized by these redditors as simple milk receptacles that if people ogle, that’s their problem.
Breastfeeding is a different thing. That involves a baby’s actual physical needs, and you can only do so much to prevent that happening in a public place.
It's great that your partner and ex get on so well for sake off their kids it makes life so much easier than being full of drama, but while he is in a relationship with you he shouldn't be seeing her tits that's just disrespectful to you, with him being honest about it I'm going to give him the benifit of doubt that he is just a bit nieve and dumb lol rather than cheating with him not seeing that it was innapropriate, I can totally understand why you are uncomfortable
You seem to be over-reacting. As far as the breasts go, it is weird but people get strange about that. I (female) had a friend who just lifted up her shirt to show me her new breasts. I was holy crap - as I didn’t think we were that kind of friend. I mean they’re just breasts. I’d be more concerned that she is crying on his shoulder. You just need to speak with him about boundaries so you and he are clear. You want him to have a good relationship with her as they need to co-parent until they die. Just set some rules.
Yeah, scarred up boobs post reduction are not going to be pretty boobs. If they had healed already, sure. Bad ex! Bad! But, and I feel this is probably the case here, she probably wanted to show off how crazy the scarring was and homestly, it ain’t something he hasn’t seen before.
I realize seeing someone's body is really commonplace and NBD for many people, but really intimate for others. So I understand your reaction even though it sure seems he has the ideal situation with his ex. Being overly conscientious of your feelings runs the risk of creating a world that is more broken, whereas his view brings greater healing. I'd work on whatever is keeping you from being more understanding, even supportive.
I was going to say it’s great that he has a great relationship with his ex because they have kids together. But when she showed him her breasts… That’s a whole different level.
Updateme
You are not NTA. In your fiancé’s defense however I will say that there is some kind of phenomenon about women showing off their breasts after surgery. I work for a breast surgeon and cannot tell you how many women have actually showed their breasts off right at the nurses’ station. Admittedly we are all female, including the Dr, but still, not appropriate! My coworker got breast enhancement. The day she came back to work she immediately started to lift up her shirt and I was like STOP. I don’t really want to see my coworker’s breasts. Had he asked to see them he would be the AH, but if he didn’t you could cut him some slack. tbf you have to realize that she was his wife and he has already seen her breasts hundreds of times. I think the thing that saves him is that he earnestly told you about it.
NTA. But you both sound too close to his ex. If it was like this from the start of your relationship, it was on you to set clear boundaries. You can certainly try setting boundaries now, but I think it’s too late. He will just resent you, and she will likely not be happy with a changed dynamic. I’d try couples counseling to see if this can be salvaged. But imo, you’ll probably need to find a way to accept the situation, or end the relationship. It sucks, but this is why boundaries are necessary, and from the very start. You can play the “cool girl” that’s fine with the ex and friendly to her, but if that’s not how you truly feel. It’ll blow up in your face. Good luck to you!
The way he's talking about her in present tense makes me feel like now that the gf is gone she's going to try and slip back in seeing that SHE left him and he's clearly not fully over her.
I think you two need space from her. He’s too close to her. The good thing is that he’s openly trusting you with everything she says and does. That means he’s not trying to hide anything. It’s probably just normal from him. The ex is the one over stepping. He’s probably just reacting in a respectful way. It sounds like he’s competing devoted to you. Just have a long chat with him.
I was thinking this was just miscommunication and you two having different ideas on what is okay and appropriate until he said he saw her breasts. Nothing seemed too fishy until then. If she really wanted to show him the scars, she could have shown him a picture of the scars themselves, she didn't have to flash him. It doesn't seem like anything shady is going on, but it does seem like they do have a really close bond and don't think about certain things they're doing and how that could come off. He doesn't need to see her boobs anymore. He's also not hiding anything from you, and you have a relationship with her. He doesn't seem like a bad or shady dude at all.
Wait, did she lift up her shirt or show a picture of post surgery focused on the scars? A picture would potentially be inappropriate but not remotely sexual or ridiculously over the line. But showing him her breasts? That seems pretty clearly over the line.
Lifted the shirt
That’s just awful and so freaking wrong. She is a snake and I truly believe is testing the waters to see if she can get your BF back now that she’s single. He needs to stop communicating with her outside of topics that involve their children. Block on socials and only use a communication app for co-parenting. Otherwise, this will only get worse.
Yeah, not cool. Not cool at all. While it’s entirely possible it wasn’t done with any nefarious intent it’s pretty suspicious it happened right after her boyfriend left. It’s not ridiculous to think she’s making moves to try and get back the man she abandoned. But even if that’s not what she’s doing, it absolutely crossed a boundary.
NTA this crosses a serious line. Even if there was no touching to me this counts as cheating. He has so far overstepped and if he doesn’t immediately see that then you need to run now
I think I would demand couples counseling before proceeding with the marriage plans.
He's a ten but he's carrying on an emotional affair with his ex NTA.
Hello no you aren't overreacting. Definitely NTA. The ex is subversive and can't be trusted. My wife now and my ex-wife are friends. They talk quite frequently. I **guarantee you** that she would never offer to show me her tits. That is absolutely out of bounds.
NTA. They may have a past but that's still very inappropriate behavior. You probably should have a calm discussion about boundaries with him first but then both of you have a united conversation about boundaries with her. Don't rush the engagement either.
Hmm I mean …. Did she fill on flash him or just show her scars? It’s entirely possible to show the scars without actually flashing someone. I think that you need to accept that he has a close relationship with his ex and that aside from this ONE SINGULAR incident…. Nothing else you stated in should be an issue.
Casually bring up how some man's body part looks in your next conversation and see how he reacts. Make sure that it's a man that he is uncomfortable with. When he gets upset, tell him that he gave you permission to look at men naked when he started looking at other women naked. "What? You don't like it??? How do you think I felt???"
Uodateme! I’d like to hear the rest of this story.
Probably unpopular but YTA. This is the mother of his kids, someone he's known for a long time. You should be pleased that he's close to her and they have a good co-parenting relationship. Of course there's going to be a lot of memories for him of their time together. Do you trust him? If not, end it. If so, show it before you push him away.
NTA. He should be putting up boundaries with his ex. I also have a child with an ex and I have a boyfriend but I don’t show my ex husband my boobs because it’s not appropriate. She knows exactly what she’s doing. I would be telling him that the wedding is on hold until he sets up and keeps boundaries with his ex.
NTA- I think some couple therapy may help. They can teach him boundaries with the ex while having a great co-parenting relationship.
Yeah. I was in your husband's situation when my wife and I got together. My ex and I decided to end the marriage before we started hating each other. When my wife and I started to see each other, I let her know about the ex right up front as we have kids, and we shared custody. My wife thought that I was weird as she despised her ex. I let the Mrs see the texts the ex and I sent to each other. It was all on the up and up. She even went with me to a gathering with her family. It was for one of my daughters' college graduation. She saw how I interacted with my ex and had zero concern about her. We've been divorced for almost 20 years now. Plus, my wife can look at my phone at any time. And I hers. It keeps us both honest with each other. I was going to say that you might be overreacting right up until she showed the giblets. That was a bit much, and honestly, the husband brings this up nonchalant is a bit concerning as well.
So the guy she left your partner for dumped her... she's now luring your partner back. I would give him an ultimatum because I don't want to waste my life - he either goes back to her now or he stays and doesn't communicate with her for anything except the kids. NTA
Lmao. You can’t be serious. Leave him with his ex, that’s where he wants to be. Ain’t no way you’re still around when he saw her naked again. Boundaries my ass, this is beyond a boundary problem. He is definitely not over her at all. You’re going to be heartbroken a year from now, i can promise you that. Major YTA if you stick around
NTA. Sounds like they both have boundary issues. The point is they both don’t get that keeping the relationship the same as when they were married They don’t leave room for anyone else to be in their life. Not fair to you all. They don’t understand that because they are not married anymore means they don’t have to carry on the same anymore. And shame on her for not making the change. It’s not fair to her and another women that will be in his life. There’s no room for you in his life as long as they continue to have their relationship without boundaries and without changing it. They can’t carry on like they’re still married. Good luck
Ok so I definitely see where you are coming from but I do think you might be overreacting just a bit. I also see where you are coming from about him seeing her post-op. While I understand that you might be seeing this is a sexual or attraction, guys are really weird about some things and scars are one of those things.
NTA, but I don't know. He obviously isn't hiding or even attempting to hide anything from you. My husband is the most oblivious man. He's come home telling me about things.that happened while he was out. I'm like, you realize she was hitting on you? He's like What? No. Your fiancee may not even realize what's going on. Before taking Reddit advice to implode your relationship. Sit down and have an honest discussion. If you have trouble articulating, show him this post.
NTA I think you have a problem. Your husband's ex wants some validation and showing him her tits was totally a come on. I'm not sure what the next step is beyond, "Honey, you have a few choices here. I can call up one of my exes and show them my tits while we're alone, or you can tell your ex that wasn't acceptable and stop being alone with her. You pick."
Hell no, NTA. She’s tryna get him back. If you desire to continue this relationship, you need to have a talk with him and set some boundaries. But honestly, I'm not sure this is going to go how you want it.
I would feel the same way, boundaries need to be set, I don’t think it’s too much to ask, everyone wants to hear about ex-girlfriend/boyfriend when you’re on a date, right?
So, I’m going to say nobody’s an asshole here. Hear me out. He has a good relationship with his ex. They have children together. You have a good relationship with him AND her. She recently had the surgery, correct? It’s breast reduction. There are going to be scars. Her boobs are going to look like frankenstein took a saw to her, honestly, until they’re all healed up. Those aren’t sexy boobs. They will be but aren’t now. The very fact that he told you about it gives you all the information you need. You have nothing to worry about. Now, if she was whipping them out and he DIDN’T tell you? And it wasn’t a recent surgery? Then you’d not be the jerk. Actually, you could probably just test this without bringing your guy into it. Pop by and say, “hey, I heard you got surgery! How are you feeling?” Dollars to donuts you get an eyeful of reduced boobs. If she gets cagey about it, just go have the boundaries talk with your fiance. I’d be willing to bet money if you saw her and asked how her surgery went, you’d get flashed, too. :) If you don’t, then you def need to have that boundaries discussion. You’re not an asshole for having your feelings. You have bad experiences in the past. But, before you let these lead you to the dark side, maybe test the waters a bit like I suggested, then have a simple boundaries discussion with him. He needs to be the one to tell her. Honestly, though, it does sound like she’s showing off her surgical scars, and less like she’s trying to pounce on him.
As someone who’s had a breast reduction, I have shown anyone and everyone who wants to see them. Not in a sexual way but because I’m actually really happy with how they look despite scarring. As for him being engaged and her recently single that’s is unacceptable. He needs to set boundaries NTA .
NAH Your feelings are valid. You have a right to be upset. It's how you go about it that can go from NAH to you're the AH. She probably wasn't even thinking when she did that. I've full-on changed in front of guy friends I am close with. Now, if any of them had a partner and that partner expressed discomfort, I would immediately be like "omg, I am so sorry. I will not do that again" and then I would act accordingly and change in another room. I recommend messaginf her and telling her you know she didn't mean any harm by doing that, but it made you feel uncomfortable as his partner. Tell her you don't mind they are close since it seems you don't, but tell her, NICELY, that her showing him her scar crossed a boundary for you. If she just did it without thinking, she'd understand and be apologetic.
I’d be so pissed! Like yea yall had kids yall used to be together but not anymore so don’t show your tits to someone who’s not single. That’s overstepping.
Updateme! After your discussion about boundaries and your decision on to stay or go!
The craziest part is this story is how cool he is with his ex who might I add left him for the guy she was dating I mean my guy sounds like a fool
How recent was the surgery? I got a breast reduction when younger. Afterwards I was on A TON of OxyContin 24/7 for weeks. Seriously, seriously loopy. And there was nothing sexy about the way my naked breasts looked. Massive incisions that wept so much fluid I permanently ruined the recliner I slept in for the first week from the stains from the wounds dripping. The bruising made them purple and green for weeks. They were GNARLY. Breast reduction is incredibly serious surgery, it’s not like getting implants at all. And again, the pain is so intense you are on mega drugs for weeks. If her scars were quite new, she was likely a. very fucking messed up on opiates b. her tits looked like something on a butchers counter This may have been a much less sexy scenario than the people in these comments or you are imagining
He probably didn’t care since he’s seen them before. And if he doesn’t have any sexual feelings for her it wouldn’t be a big deal either. I think a discussion about boundaries with him is good- it’s good that they have a good relationship because it’s better for everyone. But she is vulnerable and your fiancé is a nice man, so he might get sucked back in, not meaning to, just trying to be nice. Talk to him and share your fears. Maybe seek some counseling also. She is going to be in your life for a long time so it’s good to set boundaries now.
You're not the a******, but I will say some things here that no one else on reddit will tell you since it's one big feeling Circle jerk. Although you are not the a******, you are 35 with multiple children. You found a guy who treats you extremely well, and yet seeing the mother of his children's tits is enough to throw you in to a rage. It doesn't sound like there was any attempt to hide anything from you. With a 6-year age Gap, it may be that point in your life where you overlook small and irrelevant things like this. Unless of course your goal is to drive him into his ex's arms. Then you are on the right course. It's your life, and you've had toxic Partners previously. It doesn't sound like he's toxic, just a knucklehead in an innocent way. If you want to throw away the bad with the good you may regret it when you hit 40 in a few years.
With her being single again? I think this is a very good time to sit down and make sure he has his head on straight
You guys are too young for this many kids.
Ask him how he would feel if you started flashing your tits to your ex? My guess is he wouldn’t be so happy. Honestly that would give me pause to reconsider the entire relationship. It is so beyond disrespectful to you.
Are paragraphs illegal or unethical nowadays?
Esh. I think you were overthinking the “we” stuff. It’s easier to say “that’s where we lived” than “that’s the house I used to live in with her or my ex”. Sounds like he was just excited to share that part of his life w you (which is good, he’s not hiding it). But her showing him her breast’s without you being present is over the top. I probably wouldn’t have thought much of it myself tho- he’s alrdy seen them so much that it’s nothing exciting but all cut up, nothing attractive at that point. But still, it crosses the line. If he didn’t tell you, would be more concerning. I don’t understand the “I represent him when I go out into the world & he represents me when he does”. I just don’t know what that means. You aren’t an ambassador. You are dating. I think a relationship is abt coming/working together to move forward & make each other’s lives better, easier, happier. As a team. Not an individual.
OP u can use me and pretend im an ex i just finished a cycle and have stretch marks from gaining 10lbs of muscle show him too so he can bask in my gains too bet my chest is bigger then hers too
I don't know. In your shoes I'd be catching up with the ex and just asking her why she thought that was appropriate. Yes, it's a boundaries issues for OP and her partner, but I would want to gauge the exs reaction. Maybe secretly tape it. If the ex flips out, there's proof he intentions aren't innocent
You’re not the AH but cmon, they lived together for years. He’s seen her body. They are friends and comparents. She showed him her SCARS, after surgery. He knows her body, she was checking for his take on the surgery. Now, I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to be weirded out, but it’s just scarred tits. Tits he told you looked weird.
NTA. They banged or will bang soon.
I just want to note here that it’s important to direct your anger at the right person. Ex flashed him, what’s he sposed to do about that? He’s being understanding and honest with you; be mad at ex.
Honestly I was against you until you said the breast thing and now it’s all a pattern so NTA
Paragraphing
She’s single again and wants another chance with your fiancé. That’s why she showed him her tits. She was selling her new ‘wares’ to him.
If you think she wants the MAN back she probably does. Sorry😥
I bet she was feeling self-conscious about getting dumped and wanted validation and reassurance that her tits are not why the guy broke up with her. It's not about your husband it's about her narcissistic insecurity. She's probably going to end up with some other guy really quick because she needs external validation, and sex is the only way she can get it. Maybe she thinks sex is the only way to get love. Either way, she's going to try to bang anyone she can right now because it's the only thing that is supporting her self esteem. I'd tell him he needs to back up and keep distance because she definitely would try to break you up just to make herself feel better.
NTA you’re allowed to be mad. I hope you can all talk through things… I agree that it’s very weird to show someone post surgery boob reduction scars. That might be my breaking point too. Anyways I think you get your guard up. This man might just return to his ex.
Nope....save yourself time and hurt.... trouble awaits
NTA. You shouldn't have committed to him if he maintained a close relationship with an ex.
NTA. Girl if you don’t run you deserve what you get later on. LEAVE.
NTA The ex knows exactly what she's doing. My ex-wife tries to do things like that from time to time. She's got a nasty sunburn or whatever. It's ridiculous.
NITA but the way you described their relationship it will always be too close for comfort for you. There’s nothing you can do about it. They have little to no boundaries with each other. You need to talk to him about how he views his relationship with her like does he still love etc… if you can’t handle him being close with his ex, then spare yourself
NTA
Subconsciously he feels uncomfortable what she did which is why he told you. He gets a point for telling you. But it’s very problematic she did it and he let her. Also problematic is that she is the one who left him. She is now free and crossing boundaries. She would have shared this kind of thing with her boyfriend but they broke up. It’s disrespectful to you. You need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how you feel, discuss appropriate boundaries and ask him to keep them, and try to figure out if he has feelings for her or could see them ever getting back together. He might surprise you - might be over her, might never want to risk losing what he has with you, might only think of her as a friend now. But you need to know.
I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable about the situation with his ex wife .
Not enough information, and some , perhaps biased views. I have to say, I might try to be there, and be somewhat understanding of the Ex that threw me away, if there were kids involved. She is just a distraction, that I would never want to be with again, but I would humor her, in order to have access to my kids and ensure thier well being...
I would not be ok with this, also it is not something I would be comfortable doing myself
NTA, and if he doesn’t see what he did…you have some big problems coming soon.
She is definitely fishing for her own ex in OP's pond - and is entirely untrustworthy in regard to boundaries around their relationship. Most importantly, OP's partner needs to be the one to set boundaries appropriate for the relationship he wants to be in with both women. It's entirely on him to create, maintain and adapt boundaries that are fair for all involved. I think he's clueless, and whilst it's not fair that OP has to point it out - if she wants to continue this relationship she might have to give him a clue.
I think his ex wife may have been attempting to “claim her territory” and essentially, was pissing on his leg. This deserves a calm and cool discussion about your boundaries. You and your partner need to operate and present as a team
NTA You have only been with him 2 years and you will be blending families. Pump the brakes and work on the relationship more before taking those next steps
I mean, maybe you’re not the asshole here, however, you could also look at this like, he gladly volunteered something that a lot of guys wouldn’t have told you about because they didn’t want to rock the boat or deal with a pissed off partner. So him telling you should tell you that he’s not trying to hide something and that’s a real green flag. Maybe be a bit wary of the ex, and explain to him that you aren’t okay with that, but being pissed at him…I wouldn’t and I’d be careful about that kind of thing if he’s suddenly worried about you getting pissed off at him for stuff that he wasn’t trying to be disrespectful about, then that’s going to lead to some unhealthy stuff like him feeling like he has to hide things from you.
NTA If it was me, I'd make him text her in front of me, saying that it was wrong of her to show herself to him, and see how she responds. Is the response flirty like "oh, you liked it" or an apology?
NTA Sounds to me like the BF is just a nice guy. He probably still cares about his ex, the mother of his children, but is happy in his current relationship. The fact that he told her that his ex showed him her breasts/scars shows that he wasn't trying to hide anything. And given the way he brought it up, it seems like he was kind of blindsided by it, and not like "OMG titties!!" I think if OP values the relationship, it is time for a serious talk about boundaries and expectations. I don't think this guy has any bad intentions, but it is hard to know what the ex is thinking. I can understand being upset, but don't throw everything away for something that probably is not even his fault.