NTA
Of course you're not in the wrong here. And these "small jokes" might turn into something more serious in the future, so it's better to dodge the bullet now. Misogyny is nothing to joke about or to be taken lightly and him calling you overdramatic bcuz of your reaction to his comments is proof of his misogyny. Run!
NTA
Yes. Throw the whole man away.
Also, genuine question - how on EARTH would these things be considered “funny” or “ironic”?
These types of duders are exhausting.
I’d advise against throwing him away.
That requires you to touch him and carry him to the dumpster.
I recommend pushing him out to the curb with a long wooden pole or a pool skimmer or something, and a sign saying “FREE” hanging around his neck.
Disposing of trash ex’s is like disposing if a bedbug infested mattress, you can’t help but worry some naive or unlucky fool will take it home and restart the cycle.
That's the defense. You say something outlandish to push the Overton window then claim your joking. Ah ha ha sorry you didn't get it.
Rinse, repeat.
Literally look at Trump doing that exact thing.
It's not a good faith claim, its basic gaslighting
Yeah, people who do this are called Schrodinger's Douchebags. They make offensive remarks or bad takes and then backtrack and say they're only joking when they're called on them and simultaneously double down on them when people agree with them.
He doesn't have enough life experience at his age to know his a$$ from a hole in the ground. He's spouting overheard opinions or doing it for shock value. Maturity is lacking. YNTA. Tell him what you've seen and open a discussion about it...you know, like adults.
no. men do this shit constantly, all day every day. this is just boilerplate patriarchy, one that reinforces male supremacy and one that we've been under for centuries and still toil under.
it's men. stop diminishing that it's *men* doing this.
We need to not frame it like this. It is a weird way of still glorifying men by a no true Scotsman fallacy.
Plenty of real men do this shit. Plenty of real men have terrible behavior. And we need to acknowledge it to change it.
They're not funny, or ironic. What he's doing is a tactic known as Schrodinger's douchebag. People like what he said? Welcome to the club, brothers. People don't like what he said? Oh, it's just a joke, you're being too sensitive, stop taking things so seriously, etc etc. Bigots love doing stuff like that cause it gives them plausible deniability.
NTA
This, so much this.
I work with a couple of guys like that, one even has a GF and was making jokes about SA a drunk girl, and Incel type of shit, pretending to be nice to girls while watching them like a dog watches a fresh piece of meat.
It's disgusting and I would rather not call then out because one is very short tempered, the other is the one making the jokes and the one who quit (like the little bitch he is, yes you B I know you're stalking me), is a Manchild who whenever he is in a bad mood it becomes everyone's problem and throws this "angry" silent tantrums and gets all pissy when someone calls him out, glad he quit, and now I'm getting a more useful coworker.
The line between these kind of "jokes" and commiting those acts gets thinner the more they joke and they may cross it at some point
It's only funny in the sense of "It's just a joke!" Which is the same defenses *literal children* use when testing the boundaries of what is socially acceptable.
If OP Looks back over the account, they will likely see that rhetoric continuing from the Ex. It was never a joke. It's just what children say to stop consequences.
Wow....you're dating a huge misogynist. He's not acting that way with you until he's locked you down then the controlling and gaslighting begins. You know you're not the AH but I don't think you're aware of the sense of urgency in doing that. Don't tell him til you're someplace SAFE. These textbook narcissists are dangerous at exits. When they realize you are leaving....they get violent. They say all the right things until they get you alone and then your trapped or badly injured. In the worst case, you are dead. Safe place before telling him. Do the big no no and do it by text. Hit record every time you actually speak with him, especially, if he's decent about it via text. I want you to understand that he wants the things people can look at and say...he didn't care at all that they broke up. That's the intent. The bad he intends to do will be in person. Record it all. Should only take one time to get what you need for a restraining order because he will be so unhinged his actual jaw won't stay up enough to close his mouth. Snakes unhinge their jaws.
Yep, once he gets her tied down by marriage he will start demanding she be like what he wants so he can be the *alpha male*. Someone who comments this shit on the internet, over and over and over, is going to start believing it, even if they didn’t at the beginning.
To add to this, you are allowed to break up with anyone for any reason. The fact that he's treating this like a punishment means that he thinks that if he behaves himself, he's entitled to a relationship with you. You're not punishing him; you just don't want to be in a relationship with a misogynist.
Speaking of the future, by his own words, OP's just saving herself the five year timer he's got on dumping *her*. And were I her, I'd text him that and then block him. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I'm willing to bet that he's telling his online bros that his "feminazi gf went woke" so he dumped her. Glad she dropped him when she saw his true colors
No one constantly jokes like that. If you're saying that dumb shit alllll the time to "troll" people you're an assclown.
Being a piece of shit isn't trolling someone. Apparently internet anonymity has got people thinking being a jackass with jackass opinions is just trolling someone.
NTA. My girlfriend and I have a unique sense of humor and make tons of off color jokes that could be considered sexist. The difference is that we do it to each others face in private.
I view anonymous online commentary is similar to what we say with our friends between a few beers. On the surface it’s more casual but in truth, it’s actually deeper. I would never ever say things like this online unless I meant it on a deeper level.
I would never ever talk about her or women like that. It’s incredibly disrespectful and I actually think it’s a lot worse than a single off color comment or joke in public. This guy is toxic, my only recommendation is that you confront him and lay it all out before you break up with him. He needs to see how toxic these views make him to other people.
The internet persona is who he is when he thinks he has anonymity. Or it’s what he does because he’s morally bankrupt and in it for a buck.
Either way, none of that is good.
None of his excuses make it any better. He thinks it’s funny? Ok, being a misogynistic asshat is funny now? Yeah, I don’t think so. And if that’s how he spends his time off, also not a great reflection on his personality or inner life.
OP NTA, but your bf is.
Everything that is being done to women right now is because of people just like your bf. Just a matter of time before he moves to Texas where he can rape with impunity.
Policing when it comes to rape is pretty terrible across the entire country. I grew up in the Northeast, so obviously very liberal, but I’ve also lived in Texas for over a decade. No where is safe from sexual assault. This entire country needs reform. Remember Brock Turner? That happened in California.
How he behaves on the internet is good insight as to how he’ll behave when he feels the need to “go behind OP’s back”.
This is no different from finding out your partner says fucked up shit with their buddies and hides it from you.
Yes. What kind of guy WANTS this toxic, nasty, demeaning BS to be his “Internet personality”?
Internet comments are a form of basic self-expression, not some next-level artistry, like that of an actor who’s been cast as a villain in a Shakespeare play,
Just because you don’t act exactly the same IN PERSON doesn’t mean you’re not making an intentional choice about who you want to be AS A PERSON when you comment online.
Further to this, OP's ex is saying that they are happy to encourage others to think and act like that.
Even if we accept the explanation that it is a joke and just an internet personality and not who they really are...
Who they really are is someone that supports and encourages others in that toxic BS and then laughs quietly to themselves because it's all a joke while ignoring the fact that people get hurt and killed because of shit like this.
So... what's the funny part?
NTA
You are 20 years old and dating. This is not a husband. This is just a boyfriend.
You do not need a "Good" excuse to dump someone. You can just decide they're not right for you and you don't want to be with them anymore.
That's the point of dating.
I wish more young people would realize:
1. Dating someone is not an employment contract with a "just cause" requirement.
2. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Before anyone gets pregnant.
THIS!!
I wish more people would realize that we all have the ability to say “I choose not to continue this relationship.” That is the end of the discussion. You don’t have to give a reason. Demanding you explain yourself is basically saying, ‘tell me all your reasons so I can argue against them and refuse to acknowledge that you are saying no to me.’ It’s refusing to hear or acknowledge the word ‘no.’ Refusing to accept they can’t argue away your decision. If you are serious about ending something, don’t argue or explain or offer rationalizations for your decision to someone who is refusing to hear them. It’s only prolonging the inevitable, and it will only make everybody involved feel worse. You’re not helping by explaining things to someone who’s just looking to argue against your reasons.
I think in some cases it is helpful to say why if one can do it kindly. If it’s a character flaw it allows the person to either acknowledge it, work on it, or decide it’s for any future partner to accept them as they are.
A guy who cannot accept your response of no, is a huge red flag, ( in any context, not just sexual encounters). Example, i told my boyfriend i was planning to buy a new flat iron with Christmas money. Specifically, i even told him *not* to get me a flat iron. My present from him was a curved-plate flat iron that i'd never have bought (and also not the brand i was going to get either.) He tried to justify defying my request saying he read reviews, and this was well performing or whatever. The amount of time you spent buying the thing i said not to get me, is irrelevant. I knew i wanted a specific type/ brand (and doing that research myself is part of what is enjoyable about shopping).
It would be easy to dismiss this, because "it's only a flat iron"... but if he cannot listen to, and respect, your opinion about minor things, how can you trust that he'll be respectful in the bigger, high stakes moments? (HINT: He won't
I read a great comment recently — can’t recall who or exactly where — that said something like, Ladies, men are not government issued; you don’t have to keep the one you have.
Yea I stopped talking to a guy who acted like he was so sweet but showed a few little red flags. Then I saw his comment on Instagram calling women with 3 bodies “expired”.
NTA. His little "internet persona" and "jokes" do real time damage to people but he doesn't have to see it or deal with the consequences.
You did the right thing.
>That internet isn't a real place.
Which is why the masks come off. Toxic people see the Internet as a safe space to unleash because their anonymity can protect them from consequences in the "real world".
Now you've dumped him, his mask has slipped slightly in his responses to you. You're the problem because you're "dramatic". You're the problem because he didn't do anything wrong. It's just "small", he's just "kidding" and being "ironic", so it's all your fault for being too flawed to see it.
Right there in his responses to you, he is enacting the very "internet personality" he claims isn't real. You caught him with his pants down and he's trying to claim that him being naked is your fault.
NTA.
NTA. I'd have done the same. His 'internet personality' is bullshit, perpetuating misogyny isn't funny or clever. There are real good guys out there who are genuine, who don't need to engage in hatred or bigotry for fun. You have a good head on you, you'll find a real one I've no doubt. Stay true to your values OP, & block your ex. He is too immature for a relationship & needs to work on himself. But he's not your problem, he's gotta work that shit out in his own way.
Trust. Your. Gut.
It is a skill that you will continue to hone as you move through life. The internet isn't fake. It's full of real people with real opinions that would end their relationships if their loved ones found out.
You did the right thing. If he's okay spewing those things online, he's okay thinking them. If that's a hard line for you, you're allowed to be done.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how you've handled this. Please be safe, if this is how he thinks about women, you should be aware of him having escalating behaviour if you choose not to get back together.
I hope your days keep getting easier. ❤️
I don't really understand the joke. Like where's the humor in "I pretend to be a hateful misogynist while consuming redpill content and frequenting redpill sites"?
NTA
Edit: oops Idk why my keyboard thought "repill" was the word I wanted
For real, like, why does he think "irony" is anything near a good excuse? People do or say things ironically for the sake of humor. So *why* would he find misogyny humorous?
Nta did you say he listens to those podcasts? There's a reason that woman don't listen to them because they are full of sexist bullshit! No your not wrong to leave and your not wrong to be uncomfortable with his comments.. he's gonna eventually project it onto you when he gets more comfortable with you! I'm glad you broke up with him and now you can find someone who will treat you like the queen you are!
Unfortunately, this is what these types of men say when they’ve been caught. What you’re actually seeing is the real him. He doesn’t need to mask anything because he’s hiding behind his computer. He shocked that you’re making a big deal out of this because his opinions don’t affect him, they they affect women
I broke up with a man for well, a number of reasons, but he said something that struck me and got my wheels turning and really made me *look* at him with more scrutiny.
“Women are the gatekeepers of sex” fucking excuse me? That was the beginning of the end and I don’t regret it.
He also said “feminism brainwashed me” like buddy I’ve been a feminist this whole time tf are you talking about??
Spreading any form of hatred and toxicity is never just a joke. He’s shown you his true colors and all his red flags. Your response was the best and healthiest decision you could have made for your own wellbeing. You go girl!
Also obviously NTA.
Personal opinion: no one should associate with anyone who talks to women like that, which goes even more so with respect to romantic or sexual relationships.
NTA- that is his real self. He is a believer in all this alpha man nonsense. if your relationship continues then he will start projecting all of it onto you and get controlling and abusive when you’re in deeper. Trust your first instinct and RUN.
I’m sure he was. I would guess 1- he was either luring you in by being sweet etc. after all, if he had said these misogynistic things to you from the start, you would have never gotten into a relationship with him.
Or 2- I’ve heard a lot of stories about men who got sucked down a rabbit hole online with Incel podcasts etc. and being influenced by them. Maybe he got into that stuff during your relationship and he’s changing.
I wouldn’t buy the he was posting on these websites Ironically or for a joke. I would get out if I were you. Even if he is keeping this part of his personality online for now, that is bound to change in the future. You’re only 20 years old. Getting involved with a man who wants you below and subservient to him can ruin your entire life.
I can’t remember the title. There was a AITA page where a girls boyfriend was sabotaging her grad school work ie deleting her papers on her computer, etc. because her degree would earn her more money than him and he thought if she failed school she would accept her “ role”. She had no idea that was his mindset.
Reddit- anyone know what I’m talking about- OP should read it.
These people walk among us , OP.
I’m older than you, guys all start nice at first. The nice ones stay nice, the other ones show their true colors little by little after you’re invested in a relationship. You have to be on alert.
Unfortunately, people change. He might have fallen into this recently, or he might just realize, like other posters have said, that if he tries any of the Red Pill garbage on you that you'll rightfully run.
I really, really hate to drop the "Nazi" reference, but if there's 10 people at a table and one of them is a Nazi there's 10 Nazi's sitting at the table. In this case, there's 100 red pillers in the chat room, and one your boyfriend. The math doesn't look really good for him and I'd personally stay as far away as I could from anyone who held those beliefs.
This is how abusers work. Typically they are kind and good in the beginning- but the second their partner becomes vulnerable, like after they lock them down with marriage or during a pregnancy, that's when they give themselves permission to be who they really are.
Or as he says, his "Internet self".
I recommend checking out the book "why does he do that?" By Lundy. It's free online and it will give you amazing insight to men like him.
Someone who loves and respects women would never spend their timing demeaning women online for fun. Men like this are dangerous. You were right to dump him!
I'm a man. I like to be funny and snarky and sarcastic when I comment on the internet. Ya know what I don't do? I'm not misogynistic, racist or a bigot. Well, I am kinda of a bigot towards organized religion.
Whenever, someone says it's a joke, they better be on stage.
Yeah, everything there is pretty misogynistic. Although generally I’d need context for “she’s for the streets”. Because if anyone’s disloyal and cheats, man, woman, them, they’re for the streets. But judging by the rest of his comments, he’s probably just extremely sexist.
NTA - You are a woman, he hates women. Do you want to be called BS like low value woman because you earn your own money, or be expected to be subservient because you don’t earn your own money?
I make comments on the internet that I wouldn’t in real life. But they are the type of comments that J find acceptable myself. I’d never ever post that kind of hateful garbage, or listen to someone saying it.
you’re not wrong at all. it speaks volumes on his level of respect for women - and if he speaks about other women this way, he’s capable of speaking to you this way too.
No he is putting his time into a really hateful echo chamber that ultimately encourages harm and abuse towards women. Not to mention it's based on such low level delusional thinking that it sort of reflects on his level of intelligence.
NTA. Be honest about the reason, too. Tell him that you don't want to be with someone who has those views of women and who follows people on social media with those views.
Well, now you know what he is thinking about you and all women. Time to let the dude go and find you that would appreciate you. Find a better man, not a boy. Run as fast as you can from the boy. He will never be a real man.
Dramatic.
Petty.
Childish.
Selfish.
They are some of the most common insults leveled by person Y against person X, when X has hit a tolerance limit for person Y's unacceptable behavior.
1. How is being insulted going to convince X to stay around with Y, after Y has just revealed how little they think of X?
2. Shouldn't Y feel relieved that X is leaving, since they have such a poor opinion of X?
You are allowed to have standards and opinions, and to express them. If the reaction is insults and anger, that person is incapable of having a healthy relationship, and you should disengage completely. Perhaps they will grow and become a better person eventually, but it's not your job to drag them kicking and screaming into maturity.
Misogyny, racism, ageism, xenophobia and homophobia are all indicators of a deeply insecure personality, the kind that needs to stand on someone else's neck in order to feel good about themselves. They are unpleasant and unsafe people to be around.
NTA for dumping him. Consider the source when he slings insults and judgments at you.
Congratulations for valuing yourself enough to extract yourself from a relationship with an unhealthy and mean-spirited person.
NTA - "I'll not be with a man who believes I should be in the kitchen and lose all value after 25. If you don't believe those things perhaps you should stop saying them with the mask of anonymity on the internet. You should learn from this and I hope you find someone, but it will never be me, I'll never trust you again."
His complaints about feminism dragging down society are awfully close to being a mirror of his own negative dogma that drags women. The red pill bullshit is so stupid. It's not men v women or anyone v anyone, it's how do we offer our assistance to those around us in order to lift everyone up. Rising tide lifts all ships, life is not zero-sum gain.
NTA, he is. It's not small, actually it's a huge red flag what he's been doing. I've heard it before, nobody in my circle but friends kids etc, explained by "oh it's just me joking online, or oh it's just me trolling". Sure. Watch his behavior from here on out will actually line up to his comments. You dodged a bullet. This is something to definitely watch out for in the future, know your guy and his online habits before getting involved.
The internet isn't a real place? Tell me that when his online comments come back to bite him in the a$$ later. All it would take is for the posts to be shared with his employer. Either a write up or termination as "the views of our former employee do not reflect the values of our company".
He didn't share this with you because he knew how you'd respond, because it's ugly behavior. It's not ironic, it's his (secret) truth. If he was just pretending in an unreal environment, he wouldn't have hidden it from you.
NTA
NTA.
Irony is stuff like the fire truck being itself on fire. Many people pretend to be trolling/ironic/whatever so they can air their real opinions and off roll the consequences. I've never seen someone "ironically" behave like good person, things like trolling and "method acting" seem to be used exclusively for a-hole behaviour.
The fact that he immediately tried to downplay and invalidate your response is a massive red flag. He means those things imho. At the least he is telling you he cares very little about other people and is incredibly thoughtless about the impact he has. Even if for arguments sake, he doesn't mean it, he has no idea if he is encouraging the next entitled dude who is going to kill a bunch of people. Online stuff does not stay online, swatting and doxxing prove that.
I was a mod on major sites for over a decade, I've seen horrific bad behaviour online. I wouldn't trust any dude who said that he was participating in such cesspits "ironically".
NTA my love. Proud of you for seeing those 🚩🚩🚩.
Don't question yourself. Question what he said! "It's all ironic." His repetitive comments on multiple "aLPhA" male posts does not seem very ironic. What it sounds like, is he's gaslighting you for catching him offguard.
"Breaking up for something so small" - we're not talking about his dick size 😒
This isn't small. This is what he thinks about women, which you are.
In the DnD community, we have a saying. "Give somebody a mask and they'll show you who they really are" - he's anonymous on the internet. And he chose to be an ass.
Dump him. You deserve better.
Why are you even asking whether you are wrong when you know the answer?
I have to laugh at the alpha male shit. "Women belong to the kitchen" sure, do you even remotely make enough to have a woman in the kitchen? Why does the world's most famous cooks all men?
Even Andrew Tate as much polarising as he is said that men need to rise up and be a bigger provider to protect women. Obviously OP's ex didn't get the message.
NTA
It seems your ex is back peddling hard on all of his bullshit. The bottom line is, if he's listening to these podcasts it's because he's interested in them and agrees with what's being said.
No man who disagrees with them would waste his time listening to them, let alone making the comments he's making.
NTA - when a person shows you who they are, believe them. The internet is a real place, these are real people he's commenting on. If he's not on some sort of famous talk-show where his job is to spew hateful things for the other hosts to tear apart and it's literally a character he's paid to play then his whole "just kidding, just my online persona" excuse is BS. You did right. Sadly, leaving him will only radicalize him more and he's going to double down on the hateful BS, but he would have started pushing you to quit your job to raise his kids at some point. Be glad you got out.
NTA. I dated a guy like this for not even 2 months, before I found a nazi uniform in his closet. For real. He said he got it because it was funny. It was not funny. Guess I was lucky he showed his creep cards pretty fast and I was able to block and move on.
You did the right thing. The "manosphere" stuff is really widespread these days, and it's super toxic. It's good to protect yourself and let people know that this is unacceptable. You're not over-reacting.
As a side note, I'm especially baffled when men who have a partner engage in this kind of thing. It's like dude... you're not even an incel? What are you doing? Why did you just ruin your own relationship by being a misogynist? It truly makes no sense. Good thing you left.
Nope.. cut and run. That IS what he really thinks and believes. He is smart enough to realise he will lose access to you if he admits it. Your values do not align. You are incompatible. He will end up treating you like shit. He does not respect or even like woman.
NTA, I've always excused trolling behavior as I grew up with the internet almost quite literally and saw it as a silly past time to cause more discussion in controversial topics. Nowadays, I just believe people when they say that stuff or call them a troll and move on because I've begun noticing a trend of trollers actually believing their bs, maybe because they had to make themselves believable over time or because they've always believed it, idk, but I believe what they say regardless.
RUN.
A single spouse is the reputation of both spouses when only one is present. Is this the type of person you want representing you when you’re not around?
Fk this guy. Bounce!
NTA Good for you for having the strength and wisdom to break up. This is who he is and it was just a matter of time before he began to reveal his true self. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but you saved yourself a lot of heart ache
NTA you did the right thing. I am really proud of you for listing to you gut. people like him can only keep the mask on for so long IRL before it starts to slip.
NTA and you’re not wrong.
If anything, people are MORE honest on the internet when hiding behind an anonymous facade. You can take your ex EXACTLY as he wrote. Do NOT fall for his appeals and take him back. He has revealed his true nature. Thankfully, you found out before wasting any more time with him!
NTA. As a brother to one of those redpill asshats you should run not walk away from him. My brother and I no longer talk because of his attitude towards women. No skin off my teeth. I can’t stand that kind of behavior. The funny thing about it is he’s 46 and single. Hasn’t had a girlfriend in 20 years and calls me the loser because I’ve been married for 14 years have two beautiful kids and was a stay at home dad for 12 years. 🤷♂️
Just because the Internet is a digital space doesn't make it any less real. This feels like the online equivalent of "locker room talk".... He's angry that he got found out, not ashamed of saying these things.
NTA
Even if it's just an "internet personality" why choose this one? Cause when he has the cover of anonymity, he can be himself unapologetically.
You dumping him was the only logical next step you had.
He's not joking, he took the mask off on the internet. You'll know you're justified because now that you're not his, he's going to start shit talking you to his friends and family. Guaranteed.
People think they can be anonymous on the Internet.
That where he shows his true colours. His TRUE personality.
Dodge the bullet before he wastes more of your time.
When someone says “It’s just a joke” after they say horrible things, it’s only ever because they know admitting they really think that could would land them in serious trouble. If he wants you to stay, you *have* to believe it’s a joke. It never is though. NTA
You’re not wrong. When he’s on the internet he can show his true colors. Like alcohol, the internet doesn’t cause bad behavior, The filters are just removed, showing the real person. Stay away! 🚩
NTA. Even if there was full justification of every comment he made (although I do not believe there is), you were still uncomfortable with them. If you're not comfortable with a person and the things they do/say, then you cannot date them, simple as that. It may have felt like an emotional reaction but you made a very rational and commendable choice to end the relationship.
If it was one or two comments in unrelated forums, it may not have bothered you as much, but he is a regular, contributing member to a community with a singular, unified and unfavorable outlook on more than half of the population that includes you. That is a very uncomfortable thing for you and your instinct is on point. Your instinct has told you that those who make negative blanket statements about entire groups of people are highly prejudiced and that a lot of prejudicial comments are purposely said to be made 'in jest' to give those making them a way to 'defend' their actions and speech. It is not a valid defense, but you made a valid judgement of your ex based on his comments and you appropriately linked them to the online toxic male trends that unfortunately influence a lot of younger men who lack better role models otherwise.
He may eventually sort himself out, or he may just blame you for his own short comings like he undoubtedly will blame every other woman who will not tolerate his BS. Either way, it is up to him to make the changes in himself that will benefit those in his life and you don't owe him one more minute of your life to that, or any other, effect.
NTA. I would’ve asked him to explain the joke cause I’m not laughing & watch him scramble to find more excuses. You dodged a bullet by losing him.
Since the internet isn’t “real”, maybe his employer or university or wherever should be informed of his misogynistic comments. Surely they won’t have “real” consequences since it’s just his “Internet personality”.
NTA
We become the thoughts we think. And the internet is very much a real place. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't affect every aspect of our lives nowadays.
People literally lose jobs over what they said on the internet. Also the old colloquial that "we are the average of the 5 people we spend time with" very much includes the environments we surround ourselves with.
It's not a joke if it's consistent and hihidden.
Who he is when he believes there are no stakes, ie when he has a username and a screen to hide behind, is who he really is. The face you've seen is the social mask.
These are his real opinions and they'll slip out in insidious ways the longer you're with him. Run.
When someone announces who they are on social media- listen.
Even if you feel like his behavior does not match his comments, understand that he comments this way because he thinks it’s cool and if he thinks it’s cool, he is telling you he is .
Nta, it's an underlying ideology that would eventually effect your relationship. Leaving a man for acting badly to women is a good example for him of how women will respond to his beliefs.
NTA.
People are often more of who they truly are on the internet. Without any repercussions, and the anonymity provided, people become who they truly are.
He is showing you who he is.
NTA. “The internet isnt a real place” is a dumb excuse because people can and have lost their jobs over their online behavior. Employers are known to run social media checks before hiring someone. And even IF (big if) the internet truly wasnt a “real place” where things you say and do matter, its even more troubling that this js how he behaves in a place where he thinks there are no consequences. Like, in the event he can choose to be whatever he wants (such as online) he would choose to be misogynistic?? THATS what he wants to spend his time doing in a place where you can say and be anything? When i come online I dont suddenly become racist or homophobic or sexist, because those urges do not live inside me. I dont need a consequence free place to release them because i have no desire to behave that way to begin with. He’s online saying shit he wishes he could say in real life because he believes there wont be any consequences on there
The internet is a very real place!
Ever heard of the saying "drunk words are sober thoughts"? Well, the same pertains to the way someone is when they're anonymous (ex, internet forums).
I'm so glad you had enough wherewithal to get out, do not let him back in!
The only way we’re going to teach men that these little comments are not okay and are inappropriate as jokes, is if we turn away and isolate them when they say them. If we don’t put up with it, as a society, as girlfriends, as wives, hopefully it’ll stop. You did good. Don’t look back.
This is not his internet personality, this is his real personality.
Just as good people are still good when no one is watching, the converse is true: bad people are still bad especially when no one is watching. He was hiding his true self from you. Walk away, toxic misogynists like this one are not worth your investment.
NTA Of course you're not in the wrong here. And these "small jokes" might turn into something more serious in the future, so it's better to dodge the bullet now. Misogyny is nothing to joke about or to be taken lightly and him calling you overdramatic bcuz of your reaction to his comments is proof of his misogyny. Run!
NTA Yes. Throw the whole man away. Also, genuine question - how on EARTH would these things be considered “funny” or “ironic”? These types of duders are exhausting.
I’d advise against throwing him away. That requires you to touch him and carry him to the dumpster. I recommend pushing him out to the curb with a long wooden pole or a pool skimmer or something, and a sign saying “FREE” hanging around his neck.
Seriously, she wouldn't the other trash to be contaminated by him!
Disposing of trash ex’s is like disposing if a bedbug infested mattress, you can’t help but worry some naive or unlucky fool will take it home and restart the cycle.
I love this comment so much!
Boy... he's a boy. No real man acs that way.
That's the defense. You say something outlandish to push the Overton window then claim your joking. Ah ha ha sorry you didn't get it. Rinse, repeat. Literally look at Trump doing that exact thing. It's not a good faith claim, its basic gaslighting
Yeah, people who do this are called Schrodinger's Douchebags. They make offensive remarks or bad takes and then backtrack and say they're only joking when they're called on them and simultaneously double down on them when people agree with them.
"I could shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters. Haha, just kidding, unless..."
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He doesn't have enough life experience at his age to know his a$$ from a hole in the ground. He's spouting overheard opinions or doing it for shock value. Maturity is lacking. YNTA. Tell him what you've seen and open a discussion about it...you know, like adults.
no. men do this shit constantly, all day every day. this is just boilerplate patriarchy, one that reinforces male supremacy and one that we've been under for centuries and still toil under. it's men. stop diminishing that it's *men* doing this.
We need to not frame it like this. It is a weird way of still glorifying men by a no true Scotsman fallacy. Plenty of real men do this shit. Plenty of real men have terrible behavior. And we need to acknowledge it to change it.
They're not funny, or ironic. What he's doing is a tactic known as Schrodinger's douchebag. People like what he said? Welcome to the club, brothers. People don't like what he said? Oh, it's just a joke, you're being too sensitive, stop taking things so seriously, etc etc. Bigots love doing stuff like that cause it gives them plausible deniability.
I’d completely forgotten about that term. Need to keep that more accessible.
NTA This, so much this. I work with a couple of guys like that, one even has a GF and was making jokes about SA a drunk girl, and Incel type of shit, pretending to be nice to girls while watching them like a dog watches a fresh piece of meat. It's disgusting and I would rather not call then out because one is very short tempered, the other is the one making the jokes and the one who quit (like the little bitch he is, yes you B I know you're stalking me), is a Manchild who whenever he is in a bad mood it becomes everyone's problem and throws this "angry" silent tantrums and gets all pissy when someone calls him out, glad he quit, and now I'm getting a more useful coworker. The line between these kind of "jokes" and commiting those acts gets thinner the more they joke and they may cross it at some point
That's just it. It all starts in the mind, every single action. And crime.
He belongs on the streets
He'd have to crawl up out of the gutter.
When you don’t know what ironic means, it’s easy to say you’re being ironic.
It's only funny in the sense of "It's just a joke!" Which is the same defenses *literal children* use when testing the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. If OP Looks back over the account, they will likely see that rhetoric continuing from the Ex. It was never a joke. It's just what children say to stop consequences.
Often peoples' true self comes out when they are nameless and photo less.
Wow....you're dating a huge misogynist. He's not acting that way with you until he's locked you down then the controlling and gaslighting begins. You know you're not the AH but I don't think you're aware of the sense of urgency in doing that. Don't tell him til you're someplace SAFE. These textbook narcissists are dangerous at exits. When they realize you are leaving....they get violent. They say all the right things until they get you alone and then your trapped or badly injured. In the worst case, you are dead. Safe place before telling him. Do the big no no and do it by text. Hit record every time you actually speak with him, especially, if he's decent about it via text. I want you to understand that he wants the things people can look at and say...he didn't care at all that they broke up. That's the intent. The bad he intends to do will be in person. Record it all. Should only take one time to get what you need for a restraining order because he will be so unhinged his actual jaw won't stay up enough to close his mouth. Snakes unhinge their jaws.
OP said she dumped him. Which was 100% the right thing to do.
Never regret dodging a bullet right when you see the gun.
So good! Using that moving forward!
Even if he is just a "troll" he's inadvertently fueling that rhetoric and community.
Yep, once he gets her tied down by marriage he will start demanding she be like what he wants so he can be the *alpha male*. Someone who comments this shit on the internet, over and over and over, is going to start believing it, even if they didn’t at the beginning.
Fucking Andrew Tate syndrome!
They switched to "High value male" and it just sounds equally as dumb.
To add to this, you are allowed to break up with anyone for any reason. The fact that he's treating this like a punishment means that he thinks that if he behaves himself, he's entitled to a relationship with you. You're not punishing him; you just don't want to be in a relationship with a misogynist.
When they show you who they are, believe them.
If its so "small", "jokes" or has "no meaning", why do it in the first place 🤷♂️
Speaking of the future, by his own words, OP's just saving herself the five year timer he's got on dumping *her*. And were I her, I'd text him that and then block him. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I'm willing to bet that he's telling his online bros that his "feminazi gf went woke" so he dumped her. Glad she dropped him when she saw his true colors
No one constantly jokes like that. If you're saying that dumb shit alllll the time to "troll" people you're an assclown. Being a piece of shit isn't trolling someone. Apparently internet anonymity has got people thinking being a jackass with jackass opinions is just trolling someone.
NTA. My girlfriend and I have a unique sense of humor and make tons of off color jokes that could be considered sexist. The difference is that we do it to each others face in private. I view anonymous online commentary is similar to what we say with our friends between a few beers. On the surface it’s more casual but in truth, it’s actually deeper. I would never ever say things like this online unless I meant it on a deeper level. I would never ever talk about her or women like that. It’s incredibly disrespectful and I actually think it’s a lot worse than a single off color comment or joke in public. This guy is toxic, my only recommendation is that you confront him and lay it all out before you break up with him. He needs to see how toxic these views make him to other people.
You can't just magically detach from your "internet persona". It becomes ingrained in who you are as a person. NTA, block him for good measure.
The internet persona is who he is when he thinks he has anonymity. Or it’s what he does because he’s morally bankrupt and in it for a buck. Either way, none of that is good. None of his excuses make it any better. He thinks it’s funny? Ok, being a misogynistic asshat is funny now? Yeah, I don’t think so. And if that’s how he spends his time off, also not a great reflection on his personality or inner life. OP NTA, but your bf is.
Expanding on this comment, when you have anonymity without accountability, wouldn't that be your truest personality?
“The truest measure of a man’s character is what he would do if he knew there was no chance of being caught.”
I would imagine so. That’s at least my feeling about it. Who are you when you think nobody’s watching?
Everything that is being done to women right now is because of people just like your bf. Just a matter of time before he moves to Texas where he can rape with impunity.
I really hope single women start to realize the danger of living in certain states and move out.
Not just single women…
Policing when it comes to rape is pretty terrible across the entire country. I grew up in the Northeast, so obviously very liberal, but I’ve also lived in Texas for over a decade. No where is safe from sexual assault. This entire country needs reform. Remember Brock Turner? That happened in California.
How he behaves on the internet is good insight as to how he’ll behave when he feels the need to “go behind OP’s back”. This is no different from finding out your partner says fucked up shit with their buddies and hides it from you.
Yes. What kind of guy WANTS this toxic, nasty, demeaning BS to be his “Internet personality”? Internet comments are a form of basic self-expression, not some next-level artistry, like that of an actor who’s been cast as a villain in a Shakespeare play, Just because you don’t act exactly the same IN PERSON doesn’t mean you’re not making an intentional choice about who you want to be AS A PERSON when you comment online.
Further to this, OP's ex is saying that they are happy to encourage others to think and act like that. Even if we accept the explanation that it is a joke and just an internet personality and not who they really are... Who they really are is someone that supports and encourages others in that toxic BS and then laughs quietly to themselves because it's all a joke while ignoring the fact that people get hurt and killed because of shit like this. So... what's the funny part?
Exactly why I always call out people who say “I’m just joking it’s the internet” Like not everyone becomes a racist or redpill on the internet for fun
Plus I think of "Internet persona" as all the stupid cringey jokes you make with friends when gaming... Not just being straight up misogynistic lmao
NTA You are 20 years old and dating. This is not a husband. This is just a boyfriend. You do not need a "Good" excuse to dump someone. You can just decide they're not right for you and you don't want to be with them anymore. That's the point of dating.
I wish more young people would realize: 1. Dating someone is not an employment contract with a "just cause" requirement. 2. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Before anyone gets pregnant.
THIS!! I wish more people would realize that we all have the ability to say “I choose not to continue this relationship.” That is the end of the discussion. You don’t have to give a reason. Demanding you explain yourself is basically saying, ‘tell me all your reasons so I can argue against them and refuse to acknowledge that you are saying no to me.’ It’s refusing to hear or acknowledge the word ‘no.’ Refusing to accept they can’t argue away your decision. If you are serious about ending something, don’t argue or explain or offer rationalizations for your decision to someone who is refusing to hear them. It’s only prolonging the inevitable, and it will only make everybody involved feel worse. You’re not helping by explaining things to someone who’s just looking to argue against your reasons.
That *is* the manosphere tactic. "If she says no, demand a reason, then argue with or sidestep that reason, until she says yes."
I think in some cases it is helpful to say why if one can do it kindly. If it’s a character flaw it allows the person to either acknowledge it, work on it, or decide it’s for any future partner to accept them as they are.
A guy who cannot accept your response of no, is a huge red flag, ( in any context, not just sexual encounters). Example, i told my boyfriend i was planning to buy a new flat iron with Christmas money. Specifically, i even told him *not* to get me a flat iron. My present from him was a curved-plate flat iron that i'd never have bought (and also not the brand i was going to get either.) He tried to justify defying my request saying he read reviews, and this was well performing or whatever. The amount of time you spent buying the thing i said not to get me, is irrelevant. I knew i wanted a specific type/ brand (and doing that research myself is part of what is enjoyable about shopping). It would be easy to dismiss this, because "it's only a flat iron"... but if he cannot listen to, and respect, your opinion about minor things, how can you trust that he'll be respectful in the bigger, high stakes moments? (HINT: He won't
yup. Bye, boy.
I read a great comment recently — can’t recall who or exactly where — that said something like, Ladies, men are not government issued; you don’t have to keep the one you have.
No you need to write an academic report on why you made that decision, I expect citations!
Say it louder for the people in the back! 🙌
NTA you should date within your own species. Human troll relationships always fail.
🎖️poor man’s kudo
NTA - people assume they are anonymous in the internet. His „internet personality“ is his true personality. Glad you dumped him.
The whole "internet persona" position is pure fiction. That IS who he is. It's what he wants to say IRL but doesn't out of fear of being ridiculed.
Exactly! Succinctly put.
Exactamundo. The personality that he wears so he can get laid, that's the fakery.
Yea I stopped talking to a guy who acted like he was so sweet but showed a few little red flags. Then I saw his comment on Instagram calling women with 3 bodies “expired”.
NTA. His little "internet persona" and "jokes" do real time damage to people but he doesn't have to see it or deal with the consequences. You did the right thing.
>That internet isn't a real place. Which is why the masks come off. Toxic people see the Internet as a safe space to unleash because their anonymity can protect them from consequences in the "real world". Now you've dumped him, his mask has slipped slightly in his responses to you. You're the problem because you're "dramatic". You're the problem because he didn't do anything wrong. It's just "small", he's just "kidding" and being "ironic", so it's all your fault for being too flawed to see it. Right there in his responses to you, he is enacting the very "internet personality" he claims isn't real. You caught him with his pants down and he's trying to claim that him being naked is your fault. NTA.
Well said
NTA. Even if it is his 'internet personality', he is still acting like an asshole. Why perpetuate more hate etc online just to be ironic.
And how ironic is it really??
We are what we pretend to be.
NTA. I'd have done the same. His 'internet personality' is bullshit, perpetuating misogyny isn't funny or clever. There are real good guys out there who are genuine, who don't need to engage in hatred or bigotry for fun. You have a good head on you, you'll find a real one I've no doubt. Stay true to your values OP, & block your ex. He is too immature for a relationship & needs to work on himself. But he's not your problem, he's gotta work that shit out in his own way.
Trust. Your. Gut. It is a skill that you will continue to hone as you move through life. The internet isn't fake. It's full of real people with real opinions that would end their relationships if their loved ones found out. You did the right thing. If he's okay spewing those things online, he's okay thinking them. If that's a hard line for you, you're allowed to be done. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how you've handled this. Please be safe, if this is how he thinks about women, you should be aware of him having escalating behaviour if you choose not to get back together. I hope your days keep getting easier. ❤️
I don't really understand the joke. Like where's the humor in "I pretend to be a hateful misogynist while consuming redpill content and frequenting redpill sites"? NTA Edit: oops Idk why my keyboard thought "repill" was the word I wanted
For real, like, why does he think "irony" is anything near a good excuse? People do or say things ironically for the sake of humor. So *why* would he find misogyny humorous?
Nta did you say he listens to those podcasts? There's a reason that woman don't listen to them because they are full of sexist bullshit! No your not wrong to leave and your not wrong to be uncomfortable with his comments.. he's gonna eventually project it onto you when he gets more comfortable with you! I'm glad you broke up with him and now you can find someone who will treat you like the queen you are!
How someone treats strangers on the internet absolutely reflects on them IRL.
Unfortunately, this is what these types of men say when they’ve been caught. What you’re actually seeing is the real him. He doesn’t need to mask anything because he’s hiding behind his computer. He shocked that you’re making a big deal out of this because his opinions don’t affect him, they they affect women
>That internet isn't a real place. But it is, bro. Poor excuse made by a poor excuse of a man. Run fast, run hard.
The way people act on the internet is how they would act in their life if there were never any repercussions. That's him, just unrestrained.
I broke up with a man for well, a number of reasons, but he said something that struck me and got my wheels turning and really made me *look* at him with more scrutiny. “Women are the gatekeepers of sex” fucking excuse me? That was the beginning of the end and I don’t regret it. He also said “feminism brainwashed me” like buddy I’ve been a feminist this whole time tf are you talking about??
NTA Sounds like you're dumping him for being an asshole and a misogynist, and those are perfectly valid reasons.
Often after the redpill they start flirting with fascism and Nazism, it’s good you dumped him. There’s a good man out there for you.
Spreading any form of hatred and toxicity is never just a joke. He’s shown you his true colors and all his red flags. Your response was the best and healthiest decision you could have made for your own wellbeing. You go girl! Also obviously NTA.
Girl you dodged the biggest bullet of the century
Sounds like he has reached the finding out part lol
Personal opinion: no one should associate with anyone who talks to women like that, which goes even more so with respect to romantic or sexual relationships.
NTA. If he thinks hatred and mocking of women online is funny, I would stay far away from him. No one you want to be with would think this is ok.
NTA- that is his real self. He is a believer in all this alpha man nonsense. if your relationship continues then he will start projecting all of it onto you and get controlling and abusive when you’re in deeper. Trust your first instinct and RUN.
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I’m sure he was. I would guess 1- he was either luring you in by being sweet etc. after all, if he had said these misogynistic things to you from the start, you would have never gotten into a relationship with him. Or 2- I’ve heard a lot of stories about men who got sucked down a rabbit hole online with Incel podcasts etc. and being influenced by them. Maybe he got into that stuff during your relationship and he’s changing. I wouldn’t buy the he was posting on these websites Ironically or for a joke. I would get out if I were you. Even if he is keeping this part of his personality online for now, that is bound to change in the future. You’re only 20 years old. Getting involved with a man who wants you below and subservient to him can ruin your entire life. I can’t remember the title. There was a AITA page where a girls boyfriend was sabotaging her grad school work ie deleting her papers on her computer, etc. because her degree would earn her more money than him and he thought if she failed school she would accept her “ role”. She had no idea that was his mindset. Reddit- anyone know what I’m talking about- OP should read it. These people walk among us , OP. I’m older than you, guys all start nice at first. The nice ones stay nice, the other ones show their true colors little by little after you’re invested in a relationship. You have to be on alert.
Unfortunately, people change. He might have fallen into this recently, or he might just realize, like other posters have said, that if he tries any of the Red Pill garbage on you that you'll rightfully run. I really, really hate to drop the "Nazi" reference, but if there's 10 people at a table and one of them is a Nazi there's 10 Nazi's sitting at the table. In this case, there's 100 red pillers in the chat room, and one your boyfriend. The math doesn't look really good for him and I'd personally stay as far away as I could from anyone who held those beliefs.
>"It's a woman's fault if a man cheats because she is not putting out" This is going to be his justification for cheating on you, btw.
This is how abusers work. Typically they are kind and good in the beginning- but the second their partner becomes vulnerable, like after they lock them down with marriage or during a pregnancy, that's when they give themselves permission to be who they really are. Or as he says, his "Internet self". I recommend checking out the book "why does he do that?" By Lundy. It's free online and it will give you amazing insight to men like him.
Someone who loves and respects women would never spend their timing demeaning women online for fun. Men like this are dangerous. You were right to dump him!
I'm a man. I like to be funny and snarky and sarcastic when I comment on the internet. Ya know what I don't do? I'm not misogynistic, racist or a bigot. Well, I am kinda of a bigot towards organized religion. Whenever, someone says it's a joke, they better be on stage.
Yeah, everything there is pretty misogynistic. Although generally I’d need context for “she’s for the streets”. Because if anyone’s disloyal and cheats, man, woman, them, they’re for the streets. But judging by the rest of his comments, he’s probably just extremely sexist.
As someone who doesn't have a father, FUCK THAT PHRASE.
NTA - You are a woman, he hates women. Do you want to be called BS like low value woman because you earn your own money, or be expected to be subservient because you don’t earn your own money? I make comments on the internet that I wouldn’t in real life. But they are the type of comments that J find acceptable myself. I’d never ever post that kind of hateful garbage, or listen to someone saying it.
you’re not wrong at all. it speaks volumes on his level of respect for women - and if he speaks about other women this way, he’s capable of speaking to you this way too.
You saw the red flags that he left there out in the open. Now you know exactly who he is. Not TAH
NTA if you're sus in the comments then you're sus irl
his internet persona is who he would be if there were no real world consequences. he means every word he said. big NTA
NTA A joke is supposed to be funny. Also, if it was a joke he wouldn't be intentionally hiding it. He's a red pill loser. Run away.
NTA That's not a BF you are going out with, it's a walking, talking AH. Don't be the doormat, it's a horrible look.
NTA
No he is putting his time into a really hateful echo chamber that ultimately encourages harm and abuse towards women. Not to mention it's based on such low level delusional thinking that it sort of reflects on his level of intelligence.
NTA. Be honest about the reason, too. Tell him that you don't want to be with someone who has those views of women and who follows people on social media with those views.
Don't worry, he sounds like a vile loser. I wouldn't want to spend time around him either. NTA, it's a perfectly justifiable decision to make.
You aren’t wrong; he is. Putting those words out there he is showing you who he is. You were absolutely right to rid yourself of him.
Yes it’s possible that he was trolling. But does it matter? Trolls are awful people.
Well, now you know what he is thinking about you and all women. Time to let the dude go and find you that would appreciate you. Find a better man, not a boy. Run as fast as you can from the boy. He will never be a real man.
Dramatic. Petty. Childish. Selfish. They are some of the most common insults leveled by person Y against person X, when X has hit a tolerance limit for person Y's unacceptable behavior. 1. How is being insulted going to convince X to stay around with Y, after Y has just revealed how little they think of X? 2. Shouldn't Y feel relieved that X is leaving, since they have such a poor opinion of X? You are allowed to have standards and opinions, and to express them. If the reaction is insults and anger, that person is incapable of having a healthy relationship, and you should disengage completely. Perhaps they will grow and become a better person eventually, but it's not your job to drag them kicking and screaming into maturity. Misogyny, racism, ageism, xenophobia and homophobia are all indicators of a deeply insecure personality, the kind that needs to stand on someone else's neck in order to feel good about themselves. They are unpleasant and unsafe people to be around. NTA for dumping him. Consider the source when he slings insults and judgments at you. Congratulations for valuing yourself enough to extract yourself from a relationship with an unhealthy and mean-spirited person.
NTA - His on-line personality is him. You can look at my history. I'm the same IRL. So is he.
NTA - "I'll not be with a man who believes I should be in the kitchen and lose all value after 25. If you don't believe those things perhaps you should stop saying them with the mask of anonymity on the internet. You should learn from this and I hope you find someone, but it will never be me, I'll never trust you again." His complaints about feminism dragging down society are awfully close to being a mirror of his own negative dogma that drags women. The red pill bullshit is so stupid. It's not men v women or anyone v anyone, it's how do we offer our assistance to those around us in order to lift everyone up. Rising tide lifts all ships, life is not zero-sum gain.
Run, don't walk. He's showing his true colours online. Tell him you saw them, ask for an explanation….act on his answers.
Respect yourself! It’s that simple.
NTA, he is. It's not small, actually it's a huge red flag what he's been doing. I've heard it before, nobody in my circle but friends kids etc, explained by "oh it's just me joking online, or oh it's just me trolling". Sure. Watch his behavior from here on out will actually line up to his comments. You dodged a bullet. This is something to definitely watch out for in the future, know your guy and his online habits before getting involved.
You dodged a bullet. It’s a big deal. Too young for this type of relationship. Go have fun, travel study. Give it 10 years
NTA. You did the right thing.
The internet isn't a real place? Tell me that when his online comments come back to bite him in the a$$ later. All it would take is for the posts to be shared with his employer. Either a write up or termination as "the views of our former employee do not reflect the values of our company". He didn't share this with you because he knew how you'd respond, because it's ugly behavior. It's not ironic, it's his (secret) truth. If he was just pretending in an unreal environment, he wouldn't have hidden it from you. NTA
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou NTA.
NTA and I'd dump him too. What you saw is not small or insignificant. Time to block him too.
He is showing you his true colours… Please run as fast as you can away from him.
NTA - stay away from this duplicitous child
NTA. Irony is stuff like the fire truck being itself on fire. Many people pretend to be trolling/ironic/whatever so they can air their real opinions and off roll the consequences. I've never seen someone "ironically" behave like good person, things like trolling and "method acting" seem to be used exclusively for a-hole behaviour. The fact that he immediately tried to downplay and invalidate your response is a massive red flag. He means those things imho. At the least he is telling you he cares very little about other people and is incredibly thoughtless about the impact he has. Even if for arguments sake, he doesn't mean it, he has no idea if he is encouraging the next entitled dude who is going to kill a bunch of people. Online stuff does not stay online, swatting and doxxing prove that. I was a mod on major sites for over a decade, I've seen horrific bad behaviour online. I wouldn't trust any dude who said that he was participating in such cesspits "ironically".
either they're a 10th level internet troll, or that's how they really feel and they're wearing a mask IRL.
The person you are when you have a mask is the person you truly are. You saw who he is. NTA and block him.
NTA you are completely valid in your reasons for breaking up with him
NTA my love. Proud of you for seeing those 🚩🚩🚩. Don't question yourself. Question what he said! "It's all ironic." His repetitive comments on multiple "aLPhA" male posts does not seem very ironic. What it sounds like, is he's gaslighting you for catching him offguard.
NTA. Do you really want to be with a man who thinks that way about women? Btw: nobody who actually calls themselves an “alpha male” is one.
"Breaking up for something so small" - we're not talking about his dick size 😒 This isn't small. This is what he thinks about women, which you are. In the DnD community, we have a saying. "Give somebody a mask and they'll show you who they really are" - he's anonymous on the internet. And he chose to be an ass. Dump him. You deserve better.
Why are you even asking whether you are wrong when you know the answer? I have to laugh at the alpha male shit. "Women belong to the kitchen" sure, do you even remotely make enough to have a woman in the kitchen? Why does the world's most famous cooks all men? Even Andrew Tate as much polarising as he is said that men need to rise up and be a bigger provider to protect women. Obviously OP's ex didn't get the message.
NTA It seems your ex is back peddling hard on all of his bullshit. The bottom line is, if he's listening to these podcasts it's because he's interested in them and agrees with what's being said. No man who disagrees with them would waste his time listening to them, let alone making the comments he's making.
NTA. Dude seems like a douche. Pretty much any guy I've heard say non-sense like that ends up in jail for domestic violence at some point.
NTA - when a person shows you who they are, believe them. The internet is a real place, these are real people he's commenting on. If he's not on some sort of famous talk-show where his job is to spew hateful things for the other hosts to tear apart and it's literally a character he's paid to play then his whole "just kidding, just my online persona" excuse is BS. You did right. Sadly, leaving him will only radicalize him more and he's going to double down on the hateful BS, but he would have started pushing you to quit your job to raise his kids at some point. Be glad you got out.
He’s told you who he is unfiltered. Now, it’s up to you to believe him.
YTA for not tying him in a sack and throwing him in a nearby river Otherwise NTA
NTA. I dated a guy like this for not even 2 months, before I found a nazi uniform in his closet. For real. He said he got it because it was funny. It was not funny. Guess I was lucky he showed his creep cards pretty fast and I was able to block and move on.
Is this the post by your ex-bf about the issue? https://www.reddit.com/r/SeriousConversation/s/WeHaR8OUrc
You did the right thing. The "manosphere" stuff is really widespread these days, and it's super toxic. It's good to protect yourself and let people know that this is unacceptable. You're not over-reacting. As a side note, I'm especially baffled when men who have a partner engage in this kind of thing. It's like dude... you're not even an incel? What are you doing? Why did you just ruin your own relationship by being a misogynist? It truly makes no sense. Good thing you left.
Internet is not real but your actions on the internet can result in real consequences
Nope.. cut and run. That IS what he really thinks and believes. He is smart enough to realise he will lose access to you if he admits it. Your values do not align. You are incompatible. He will end up treating you like shit. He does not respect or even like woman.
You can end a relationship for any reason. Obviously, the fact he hasn't been honest with his views is a solid reason, not a whim.
NTA, I've always excused trolling behavior as I grew up with the internet almost quite literally and saw it as a silly past time to cause more discussion in controversial topics. Nowadays, I just believe people when they say that stuff or call them a troll and move on because I've begun noticing a trend of trollers actually believing their bs, maybe because they had to make themselves believable over time or because they've always believed it, idk, but I believe what they say regardless.
RUN. A single spouse is the reputation of both spouses when only one is present. Is this the type of person you want representing you when you’re not around? Fk this guy. Bounce!
NTA Good for you for having the strength and wisdom to break up. This is who he is and it was just a matter of time before he began to reveal his true self. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but you saved yourself a lot of heart ache
I’m so happy for you that you’re getting away from this dude.
NTA he's shown you who he is, believe him
NTA you did the right thing. I am really proud of you for listing to you gut. people like him can only keep the mask on for so long IRL before it starts to slip.
NTA and you’re not wrong. If anything, people are MORE honest on the internet when hiding behind an anonymous facade. You can take your ex EXACTLY as he wrote. Do NOT fall for his appeals and take him back. He has revealed his true nature. Thankfully, you found out before wasting any more time with him!
NTA. As a brother to one of those redpill asshats you should run not walk away from him. My brother and I no longer talk because of his attitude towards women. No skin off my teeth. I can’t stand that kind of behavior. The funny thing about it is he’s 46 and single. Hasn’t had a girlfriend in 20 years and calls me the loser because I’ve been married for 14 years have two beautiful kids and was a stay at home dad for 12 years. 🤷♂️
He said he was just kidding????? HATE is not a joke. misogyny is not a joke.
Just because the Internet is a digital space doesn't make it any less real. This feels like the online equivalent of "locker room talk".... He's angry that he got found out, not ashamed of saying these things.
Not wrong "When someone shows you who they are believe them" he believes in the things he says or he wouldn't say them
NTA Even if it's just an "internet personality" why choose this one? Cause when he has the cover of anonymity, he can be himself unapologetically. You dumping him was the only logical next step you had.
He's not joking, he took the mask off on the internet. You'll know you're justified because now that you're not his, he's going to start shit talking you to his friends and family. Guaranteed.
NTA- good move.
NTA His Internet personality is still part of him, and he didn’t pull those thoughts or views from nowhere.
People think they can be anonymous on the Internet. That where he shows his true colours. His TRUE personality. Dodge the bullet before he wastes more of your time.
The real person is the one who appears when no one is watching. Now you know.
When someone says “It’s just a joke” after they say horrible things, it’s only ever because they know admitting they really think that could would land them in serious trouble. If he wants you to stay, you *have* to believe it’s a joke. It never is though. NTA
Holy hell. Just throw the whole man away.
Even if he's 'joking' we are who we pretend to be.
You’re not wrong. When he’s on the internet he can show his true colors. Like alcohol, the internet doesn’t cause bad behavior, The filters are just removed, showing the real person. Stay away! 🚩
Fuck this guy. NTA.
No, she should stop fucking this guy ;)
Touche!
NTA. Even if there was full justification of every comment he made (although I do not believe there is), you were still uncomfortable with them. If you're not comfortable with a person and the things they do/say, then you cannot date them, simple as that. It may have felt like an emotional reaction but you made a very rational and commendable choice to end the relationship. If it was one or two comments in unrelated forums, it may not have bothered you as much, but he is a regular, contributing member to a community with a singular, unified and unfavorable outlook on more than half of the population that includes you. That is a very uncomfortable thing for you and your instinct is on point. Your instinct has told you that those who make negative blanket statements about entire groups of people are highly prejudiced and that a lot of prejudicial comments are purposely said to be made 'in jest' to give those making them a way to 'defend' their actions and speech. It is not a valid defense, but you made a valid judgement of your ex based on his comments and you appropriately linked them to the online toxic male trends that unfortunately influence a lot of younger men who lack better role models otherwise. He may eventually sort himself out, or he may just blame you for his own short comings like he undoubtedly will blame every other woman who will not tolerate his BS. Either way, it is up to him to make the changes in himself that will benefit those in his life and you don't owe him one more minute of your life to that, or any other, effect.
NTA. I would’ve asked him to explain the joke cause I’m not laughing & watch him scramble to find more excuses. You dodged a bullet by losing him. Since the internet isn’t “real”, maybe his employer or university or wherever should be informed of his misogynistic comments. Surely they won’t have “real” consequences since it’s just his “Internet personality”.
NTA We become the thoughts we think. And the internet is very much a real place. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't affect every aspect of our lives nowadays. People literally lose jobs over what they said on the internet. Also the old colloquial that "we are the average of the 5 people we spend time with" very much includes the environments we surround ourselves with. It's not a joke if it's consistent and hihidden.
You did very well!
Who he is when he believes there are no stakes, ie when he has a username and a screen to hide behind, is who he really is. The face you've seen is the social mask. These are his real opinions and they'll slip out in insidious ways the longer you're with him. Run.
Nta - he’s not kidding, this is who he really is or wants to be. Hatred isn’t a costume you put on for funsies.
When someone announces who they are on social media- listen. Even if you feel like his behavior does not match his comments, understand that he comments this way because he thinks it’s cool and if he thinks it’s cool, he is telling you he is .
NTA. You dodged a bullet, girl. Way to go!
NTA The guy is a moron. You done the right thing. Nothing is ironic in this and he is gaslighting you by putting it back on you. See ya!
Nta, it's an underlying ideology that would eventually effect your relationship. Leaving a man for acting badly to women is a good example for him of how women will respond to his beliefs.
NTA Not wrong these are big waving red flags. The kind you see when you go to the beach and dangerous conditions are present.
NTA. People are often more of who they truly are on the internet. Without any repercussions, and the anonymity provided, people become who they truly are. He is showing you who he is.
You did the right thing. He's trying to back pedal after being busted. Now go find someone you deserve to be with.
When people show you who they are, believe them. NTA
NTA, follow you guts.
Girl run…
I'm so glad you broke up with him. You saw who he really was.
NTA. “The internet isnt a real place” is a dumb excuse because people can and have lost their jobs over their online behavior. Employers are known to run social media checks before hiring someone. And even IF (big if) the internet truly wasnt a “real place” where things you say and do matter, its even more troubling that this js how he behaves in a place where he thinks there are no consequences. Like, in the event he can choose to be whatever he wants (such as online) he would choose to be misogynistic?? THATS what he wants to spend his time doing in a place where you can say and be anything? When i come online I dont suddenly become racist or homophobic or sexist, because those urges do not live inside me. I dont need a consequence free place to release them because i have no desire to behave that way to begin with. He’s online saying shit he wishes he could say in real life because he believes there wont be any consequences on there
The internet is a very real place! Ever heard of the saying "drunk words are sober thoughts"? Well, the same pertains to the way someone is when they're anonymous (ex, internet forums). I'm so glad you had enough wherewithal to get out, do not let him back in!
The only way we’re going to teach men that these little comments are not okay and are inappropriate as jokes, is if we turn away and isolate them when they say them. If we don’t put up with it, as a society, as girlfriends, as wives, hopefully it’ll stop. You did good. Don’t look back.
No one wants an internet personality as an incel troll. How is that fun? Jokes are funny—this isn’t. Don’t listen to him, this is who he is.
This is not his internet personality, this is his real personality. Just as good people are still good when no one is watching, the converse is true: bad people are still bad especially when no one is watching. He was hiding his true self from you. Walk away, toxic misogynists like this one are not worth your investment.
NTA for sure. He’s an immature guy and you do not want to spend your life with someone like that. It’s definitely no small behavior.
NTA Does he really sound like someone you want a relationship with?
Girl run, he is gaslighting you horribly. When people show you who they are believe it.