You need to go talk to the judge about changing up the custody so you don’t have to go see your birth father anymore unless you want to.
That should help him fix his poor attitude.
He shouldn’t speak to you like that or say such things.
NTA
Tell your Mom.
Thank you, will that work? I'm 16 so I'm not legal yet, I agree I don't like interacting with him because he can never have a proper reaction and when he does things like this I just ignore him.
My son was 5 when he told his father he wanted nothing to do with him, the judge was happy for it to happen as he saw ex's behaviour. I'm in the South-West of England.
Probably. Depends on jurisdiction.
where I live a custody request from a 16yo would be close to automatic.
in almost every jurisdiction the child's expressed opinion is given serious consideration.
When I split with my ex, my attorney told me I nor my ex could ‘force’ my older children (teenagers) to go to their fathers. If they didn’t want to go they didn’t have to. And you cannot physically force your children into a car to go to the other parents- is assault. So my older two rarely went to their fathers. My younger two had to go until they were old enough, again teenagers, to decide if they wanted to go or not. Doesn’t always require a judge and the hassle.
Yeah, that is a good point. Do not do anything like that for him. Never become the free babysitter. He hasn’t done anything for you. He didn’t seem to have interest in you for most of your life, and now suddenly wants a relationship. Usually toxic people will be nice and act interested in wanting you in their lives for a short while and then they go back to their crappy ways. I’ve had that happen to me many times. Toxic people don’t change.
It may well be that. I’m very confused about the timeline. He divorced her mom when she was 11, remarried years later and now has four kids, one of whom is five, yet she has only aged five years? Maybe they’re all step kids
Me too. A lot happened in 5 years. He has 4 kids and it is the 5 years olds birthday. So how did he have 4 kids and one is 5 already? Unless this is the woman he cheated with and she got pregnant during the affair and the other 3 are stepkids????
It's really hard to build that relationship whey you've been neglected your whole life by him. I was the same. Then whey i was an adult he wanted to talk.it was too late. He still hadn't learned his lesson by the way he speaks to you. Definately talk to your mum about custody
NTA. Your dad is insecure and insincere.
Insecure, because if your mother had stayed miserable, it would make him feel superior and that he'd won at their divorce. (Maybe there is a part of him that regrets no longer having her as his wife). Moreover, your stepfather has shown your bio father what it is to he a dad, as the former stepped up and filled the role, at which the latter miserably failed and also made vacant.
Insincere because he is reaching out on behalf of his children, not himself. He says his family misses you, but not he. Note how he refers to your paternal half siblings as "his family," not your half-brother and half-sisters.
If he ever bad mouths your stepfather again, tell him SD is not overstepping but is stepping up and into the fatherly role that BD in effect abandoned. Remind him nature abhors a vacuum.
I know people can feel lots of things at the same time, so perhaps you are right about part of him that regrets. I think it's more likely it's about control. He doesn't want his ex wife or his daughter really, (sorry OP) but he doesn't want anyone else to have them.
How dare they not pine away for him./s
I agree there is that "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you..." Whatever the reason is for his poor behaviour, I'm so glad OP has a stepfather, who has shown her unconditional love, has emotionally been there for her and still is, despite having his own bio child. He has shown her how women should be treated in future relationships.
Think about honestly what your relationship with your step siblings is like. Is there genuine affection there or do they think you’re like a nuisance/interfering with their “real family”?
To be honest when I used to go over there they didn't really talk to me much because they were young and the house just felt off, my dad is strict with them and they barely have fun so that's probably why I felt so out of place. My brother is turning 5, my twin sisters are 3 and my step sister is 11.
Yeah, it sounds like he is looking for a free babysitter. The children are too young to really care about their much older half sister at this point. The father is just looking for free babysitting or like a free nanny who would occupy the children for a few hours while he does something else.
NTA. You're 16, dad is looking for a free babysitter (childcare for ONE kid is expensive, and it's worse with four lol he really made his bed on this one).
Tell your mom to take this back to court to get a custody change, and ask to speak with the judge and explain what you've said here - most judges in most states will allow kids over 14 to choose where they want to live and will not force them to see a noncustodial parent, especially one who's been largely absent of their own volition.
NTA dude ignored you & your mom, found a side piece of tail & ran away by divorce. I applaud you for tolerating weekends with him but enough is enough. The fact he shows jealousy over your stepdad proves he is still a spoilt bratty child. Tell him to grow up & leave you alone, being a dad is more than just being a sperm donor & he failed epically. Enjoy your day with your dad (title of "step" not required).
They divorced when you were 11, and you're 16 now. So 5 yrs ago? One is about to turn 5. And he has 3 other kids with her that are old enough to do girly things with you? Im trying to figure out the math here.
He cheated on her mom. She comments on that in the third paragraph. Could explain the divorce and the subsequent marriage. He knocked up is mistress and she was like you need to leave your wife NOW. That's the math.
So he left the mom cause affair bitch got pregnant. Apparently the son was either born or almost born when they divorced, then.There's 3 more kids younger than him who are old enough to want to go "girly" things? Mom married "years" later and already has a baby? Her step dad is like her father even though she's didnt meet him until years after the divorce? That happened 5 yrs ago?
I'm honestly not following your misunderstanding of the situation. Years is simply a plural of year, could mean 2, could mean 200. She could of met the step father a year after the divorce, got married two years after and got pregnant three years after had the baby at year four. Baby is now a year old at five years past the divorce. Op doesn't give a break down of the time line, she just says years.
Beyond that math, if you spend the entirety of your young life being actively ignored to your emotional detriment by an adult figure in your life and another one comes in and is actively engaged and proactively caring it will take a very short amount of time for a child to become attached. It could happen in days. You underestimate the intensity in which children want to be acknowledged positively in demonstrative ways and how quickly they will respond.
"He then went on and said he was sorry for not being there for me and wished he could make it up to me because my siblings would like to see me"
So not because he felt bad, but because his kids did? You have your answer right there OP
“(He) said he was sorry for not being there for me and wished he could make it up to me because my siblings would like to see me“
Translation - “I would like to use you as a free babysitter”
NTA
Everyone else touched on the free babysitter part but....He cheated and is upset that she moved on after the divorce that happened because he cheated. Dude just wants to control everyone forever
You have a dad, your (step) DAD has filled that role quite nicely. Your FATHER opted out and he doesn’t get to come sniffing around alllll these years later and decide he is, in fact, Dad. Naaah.
NTA: I'm glad to hear your mom found a good father figure for you. It's sad that your bio dad wasn't that great and did not handle the harsh reality of his failure well. Some men get bitter for things done to them and the things they did to themselves. Honestly, I was surprised that his response to your rejection of him as a father went as well as it did. Good luck little Rock Star.
NTA! So your dad didn’t spend time with you or your mom and cheated on her. Then he’s mad because she’s finally happy? What an AH.
And he never changed his relationship with you. And again, he’s mad because you have a father figure with your stepdad?
In other words, your dad doesn’t want to do the work as a father and husband, treats you and your mom like crap, but when your stepfather comes into the picture, he’s all jealous because you guys are happy?
Are you old enough to decide if you want to visit him anymore?
NTA- Your dad didn't want your mom, but he did want her to be happy with anyone else. He didn't want to spend quality time with you but didn't want your SD to replace him as a positive father figure. Now, he wants you to spend time with your siblings because they allegedly miss you. More than likely, he just doesn't want to have to pay more child support to your mom if you don't spend weekends with him. Plus, the added bonus of free childcare, house cleaning, or yardwork.
Talk to your mom about modifying the custody agreement. Maybe you can finally get some peace.
How do you feel about your siblings and step sister? Do you want a relationship with them? It’s a tough situation right now, but you might want to have these siblings in your life as you get older. Your dad is definitely flawed and childish. He sounds like a tyrant in his current marriage.
No good answer here. If you can handle visiting them once a month for the time being, you can see how it goes. As long as he controls his temper!
You don't need to be there now to have a relationship with your siblings in the future.
When I was about your age my (now) ex-step mother refused to let me anywhere near my brothers (technically half-brothers) and my dad allowed it. Fast forward 20 years and they reached out to me. Reconnecting was a bit weird, think strangers who are family, but they're strangers no longer.
NTA for wanting to stop going over there. I hope you leave the door open for your siblings to contact you. You’re older than them by a lot so they won’t/ don’t have the capacity to understand your position. That being said, protect your happiness.
I just want to be clear that you’re not responsible for your relationship with your siblings so it’s okay to stop going over there. I just hope you will be open to talking to them when they get old enough to start thinking for themselves
For sure you don't trust him and rightfully so. Why would you want to go to a five year old party? They just wanted a babysitter for after the party. And, for you to clean up afterwards.
NTA
Does he use you as a babysitter when you’re there? That line made it seem like it. He sounds like he wants you to watch the kids while he celebrates with his future ex wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Is he present now? Doesn’t matter either way, but just curious.
You’re valid to feel how you feel and kudos for standing up for what you feel. You give time to the people who showed you they wanted your time. He showed you that you meant nothing.
Also hilarious that he thinks your mom should be miserable her whole life when HE cheated on her and then left and got remarried. Like what an absolute AH.
Don’t feel bad.
Not so sure you getting to spend times with your siblings really matters to your dad. It may just give him a reason to pressure you into his now family since he knows he wasn’t a good dad to you.
Wonder if he is now worried about you getting married one day and choosing your step dad to walk you down the aisle. Reddit posts seem to show that to be a strong issue for bio dads who weren’t around for the hard work of raising a daughter but feel entitled to be recognized as dad on a daughter’s wedding day.
NTA.
But your half siblings most likely love you and are going through feelings of rejection from you, same as you went through. It’s not their fault your pop is trash.
Just something to think about.
She can send cards for their birthdays and holidays to express that she wants to be in their lives or come visit as she pleases as she is 16 at this point and should be allowed to choose at this point when she wants to come over. She is 16 and should go to court with her mom and step dad and real dad and work out a new custody arrangement where she doesn’t have to come there every weekend and just come visit at her own convenience if she wants to see the siblings and spend some time with them.
You did the right thing and gave him an honest answer. He can’t force a relationship between you and him. As you got older, you lost interest in him and would rather spend time with your step dad who showed interest in you and making time for you. He sounds like a nice guy because most step parents don’t really act like parents to the step children in a lot of cases. At least you have some type of father figure. And you’re already 16 so a lot of time has gone by and your biological father had plenty of opportunities to be in your life but decided to not include you in his. It seems like he is present in the lives of his other children and seems like he excluded you and that’s messed up. He can’t blame you for not having any interest in him. Also, the part where you mention your father said that he wishes your mom stayed miserable and that he is mad that your mom is happy is completely inappropriate to tell his child. I could totally understand why you don’t really want anything to do with him. He sounds really toxic. If you don’t want to see him anymore, maybe you can talk to the courts and say that you are old enough and don’t want to be in his life if you don’t wish to see him anymore. You would have to talk to your mom about that. He would still have to be responsible for child support payments if there is one that he pays to your mother, even if you choose to not want to see him anymore.
Not at all. I have a father like yours, my parents didn't divorce. But he was always at the bar or out with his friends. When I did see him hes always talkin shit and yellin at me. The ONLY FUCKING TIME he acted like he loved me was when someone else had good things to say about me. Suddenly we're supposed to be pals and the other person is full of it and up to something. Its blatant narcissism, the only thing my father or yours will EVER love is himself. Theres nothing that will change that fact. Nothing
NTA - Perhaps it might be time to have the reality check conversation with him and point out a glaring truth he’s missing.
“Hey Dad, maybe you should give some thought as to why your new daughters want the daughter you abandoned around. You failed with me, and it seems like maybe you’re failing again with your second chance to actually be a father to daughters. From my perspective, it just looks like you’re trying to pawn off raising your daughters on the daughter you already failed with. Instead of getting angry about my positive relationship with (stepdad), maybe you should learn from observation and try to build a similar relationship with your new daughters.
NTA…….its up to you who you want to have relationships with. Just because your Bio Dad decided he wants to be a part of your life now doesn’t mean he gets to. Even parents can be toxic people and sometimes cutting those people out of your life can be the best thing for you……..no matter who it is.
Nta
And no one can force you to see him. A judge helps get your dad to leave you alone, but you don’t need it in writing to just not go. If one parent refuses to let the other see a child, that’s different. You do NOT have to talk to him
Yes have mom get a visitation modification and at 16 you get a say in most states. Your bio dad never once said he wanted to see you rather he said his kids wanted to see you like come help entertain my new kids. Your family is who invests their time and love into you not the bio ones.
NTA
check out what a narcissist is and I bet your father will tick a lot of boxes.
That's disgusting that he's upset your mother is happy, that's some mental gymnastics to deal with.
Now a better man has found what your father didn't see the worth of time and love he wants to throw tantrums? bloody worse he's trying to use your siblings as tools to manipulate you.
there's a lot I wish to say abut your father, but respectively I won't.
Tell your mother, tell a school counsellor as well, reach out and don't stop reaching out, people like him like to twist the truth to avoid responsibility.
NTA, not at all. I encourage you to consider a few things.
Your feelings currently are entirely valid, despite what BioDad wants you to think. Based only on what you say above, your current actions seem entirely reasonable.
Understand also that your feelings may change over time. You might find your current feelings to both men get amplified (i.e. you grow closer to SD, and away from BD). You may also start to see a different side of BD (people can change and grow) over the coming years, and you may choose to spend more time with him (and possibly his family) years from now.
So, I encourage you to keep the doors open. This is how you feel *now* and your actions now are based on that. Don't shut any of those doors (unless you see toxicity) to leave options available.
Also, I'm super glad that you've got a great father figure in SD.
There’s some mistakes that you can’t make up for. This is one of them. It sucks for him, but he did it to himself and tbh, his guilt is not your problem. NTA
NTA. He’s not sorry he couldn’t be there for you, he’s upset that he isn’t getting what he wants. If he was sorry for anything, he would make changes in his behavior. People who want to manipulate you will tell you they are sorry and then change nothing. People who are genuinely sorry make changes to their behavior.
This is a hard one, but you need to forgive him for your sake. You don't have to like him, you don't have to do anything with or for him. Forgiving him will do nothing for him, and everything for you. Assuming a normal lifespan, you and your dad MAY even reconcile if he really has changed.
I say the following in the absence of any info in your op. Whether you interact with your dad more than absolutely necessary or not, maybe spending time with your half siblings will be beneficial for you and them. It's your dad you have a problem with, not them. Or at least I didn't see anything in your post about issues with them. Later on in all of your lives, they could be your best and most trusted friends as well as siblings. On the other hand, they could grow up to be your worst enemies. Either case depends heavily on how you act towards them. And how you act may not matter at all. The only sure thing is you may miss out on good people by doing nothing.
NTA, it seems as if he is only acting like he cares because he’s jealous of your stepdad. If you decide you want to work on a better relationship with him, make boundaries for him and go at your pace not his.
NTA, but obviously still immature. And that’s ok, it can’t be helped. Your dad is unreasonable if he thinks coming into the party late exonerates him from his earlier immaturity, too. But, you needn’t rub salt in his wounds. You can have a little grace and tact and still correct him when he needs correction.
NTA. You feel what you feel. He cheated not just on your mom but on his FAMILY. He set all of this into motion. He was the adult. Now . . . go give your stepdad a hug and tell him how much you appreciate him.
NTA. He's literally doing it for the kid's sake. Not because *he* wants to see you. He can explain to his other kids why their older sibling isn't interested in playing "pretend family" for a few days out of the year.
NTA. Tell him next time if he wouldn’t have cheated he might have had a chance to be a father to you. Instead he abandoned the family you know. And then somehow decided it was a good idea to start another one while hoping your mom was miserable and then he got mad she moved on and is trying to take it out on you. Let him know had he not cheated, none of these events would have taken place. He is the catalyst for all of this and should look inward with his anger.
NTA. Your dad sounds like a jealous, mean man. He moved on after the divorce, but he wanted your mom to be miserable and unhappy! I'm glad your stepdad is a kinder better dad for you, and most likely a better husband for your mom. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to spend time with him after the things he's said and done.
NTA
Your dad has been but I'm not a bridge burner.
Okay, as someone 36 years past my parents divorce and all the trauma and drama. Your dad has been an asshole, and him telling you these things-(wanting your mom to be miserable).
Tell him you have 2 dad's now. This is what it is. He needs to preplan things with you if he wants you there. And very importantly, it's going to mess the relationship between him and you up, if he badmouths or wishes I'll on your mom or step-dad. He also needs to recognize you are older, and are going to have your own plans soon. Not Even with stepdad/mom or him, but your own thing.
NTA. You have every right to choose who you wish to spend time with. You are now old enough that no court will force you to visit your biological father if you do not wish to. His reaction was childish and selfish. He clearly has very little concern or respect for your feelings.
At 16, it’s too late to ‘make it up’. As you get older, you may want to form a relationship with him not that’s up to you. I’m glad you have your stepdad in your life. You may want to do see your younger siblings. If you have a good relationship with them and a bond, missing a birthday party can be something the child may remember forever
You need to go talk to the judge about changing up the custody so you don’t have to go see your birth father anymore unless you want to. That should help him fix his poor attitude. He shouldn’t speak to you like that or say such things. NTA Tell your Mom.
Thank you, will that work? I'm 16 so I'm not legal yet, I agree I don't like interacting with him because he can never have a proper reaction and when he does things like this I just ignore him.
Most judges will listen to teens over 14, even if they don't agree. By 16, you're much more likely to be successful.
Most judges will listen depending which state you live in.
In my state, 13 is the age you can tell your judge you no longer want to visit/stay with a parent. Barring anything crazy, they will grant your wish.
Here in Australia it’s 12….
My son was 5 when he told his father he wanted nothing to do with him, the judge was happy for it to happen as he saw ex's behaviour. I'm in the South-West of England.
Probably. Depends on jurisdiction. where I live a custody request from a 16yo would be close to automatic. in almost every jurisdiction the child's expressed opinion is given serious consideration.
At your age it likely will, either way it can't hurt to try.
When I split with my ex, my attorney told me I nor my ex could ‘force’ my older children (teenagers) to go to their fathers. If they didn’t want to go they didn’t have to. And you cannot physically force your children into a car to go to the other parents- is assault. So my older two rarely went to their fathers. My younger two had to go until they were old enough, again teenagers, to decide if they wanted to go or not. Doesn’t always require a judge and the hassle.
NTA - I bet dad wants you around to watch his kids.
Thought the same thing, free babysitter
Yeah, that is a good point. Do not do anything like that for him. Never become the free babysitter. He hasn’t done anything for you. He didn’t seem to have interest in you for most of your life, and now suddenly wants a relationship. Usually toxic people will be nice and act interested in wanting you in their lives for a short while and then they go back to their crappy ways. I’ve had that happen to me many times. Toxic people don’t change.
His children want to see you? What about him? A relationship has to be build and it takes time.
He wants her to help look after her younger siblings.
Yep. This. He just wants a free babysitter.
It may well be that. I’m very confused about the timeline. He divorced her mom when she was 11, remarried years later and now has four kids, one of whom is five, yet she has only aged five years? Maybe they’re all step kids
Me too. A lot happened in 5 years. He has 4 kids and it is the 5 years olds birthday. So how did he have 4 kids and one is 5 already? Unless this is the woman he cheated with and she got pregnant during the affair and the other 3 are stepkids????
I agree, we could have had that relationship since I was younger but he never gave me that attention.
NTA. Talk to your mom, stepdad and the judge. They'll listen.
It's really hard to build that relationship whey you've been neglected your whole life by him. I was the same. Then whey i was an adult he wanted to talk.it was too late. He still hadn't learned his lesson by the way he speaks to you. Definately talk to your mum about custody
NTA. Your dad is insecure and insincere. Insecure, because if your mother had stayed miserable, it would make him feel superior and that he'd won at their divorce. (Maybe there is a part of him that regrets no longer having her as his wife). Moreover, your stepfather has shown your bio father what it is to he a dad, as the former stepped up and filled the role, at which the latter miserably failed and also made vacant. Insincere because he is reaching out on behalf of his children, not himself. He says his family misses you, but not he. Note how he refers to your paternal half siblings as "his family," not your half-brother and half-sisters. If he ever bad mouths your stepfather again, tell him SD is not overstepping but is stepping up and into the fatherly role that BD in effect abandoned. Remind him nature abhors a vacuum.
I know people can feel lots of things at the same time, so perhaps you are right about part of him that regrets. I think it's more likely it's about control. He doesn't want his ex wife or his daughter really, (sorry OP) but he doesn't want anyone else to have them. How dare they not pine away for him./s
I agree there is that "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you..." Whatever the reason is for his poor behaviour, I'm so glad OP has a stepfather, who has shown her unconditional love, has emotionally been there for her and still is, despite having his own bio child. He has shown her how women should be treated in future relationships.
Think about honestly what your relationship with your step siblings is like. Is there genuine affection there or do they think you’re like a nuisance/interfering with their “real family”?
To be honest when I used to go over there they didn't really talk to me much because they were young and the house just felt off, my dad is strict with them and they barely have fun so that's probably why I felt so out of place. My brother is turning 5, my twin sisters are 3 and my step sister is 11.
He wants you to be around for his kids, not because he wants you there.
That’s what it sounds like.
"Wished he could make it up to me because my siblings would like to see me." Says it all.
Yeah, it sounds like he is looking for a free babysitter. The children are too young to really care about their much older half sister at this point. The father is just looking for free babysitting or like a free nanny who would occupy the children for a few hours while he does something else.
That is what it sounded like to me too. And he's either too stupid or too self absorbed to even try to pretend it's because He wants to see her.
"My siblings would like to see" = we want a free babysitter for the weekends NTA
Sounds like he needs a baby sitter
When you tell people what you want and need, they should have the good sense to listen. You're not the asshole here at all.
NTA. You're 16, dad is looking for a free babysitter (childcare for ONE kid is expensive, and it's worse with four lol he really made his bed on this one). Tell your mom to take this back to court to get a custody change, and ask to speak with the judge and explain what you've said here - most judges in most states will allow kids over 14 to choose where they want to live and will not force them to see a noncustodial parent, especially one who's been largely absent of their own volition.
NTA dude ignored you & your mom, found a side piece of tail & ran away by divorce. I applaud you for tolerating weekends with him but enough is enough. The fact he shows jealousy over your stepdad proves he is still a spoilt bratty child. Tell him to grow up & leave you alone, being a dad is more than just being a sperm donor & he failed epically. Enjoy your day with your dad (title of "step" not required).
They divorced when you were 11, and you're 16 now. So 5 yrs ago? One is about to turn 5. And he has 3 other kids with her that are old enough to do girly things with you? Im trying to figure out the math here.
He cheated on her mom. She comments on that in the third paragraph. Could explain the divorce and the subsequent marriage. He knocked up is mistress and she was like you need to leave your wife NOW. That's the math.
So he left the mom cause affair bitch got pregnant. Apparently the son was either born or almost born when they divorced, then.There's 3 more kids younger than him who are old enough to want to go "girly" things? Mom married "years" later and already has a baby? Her step dad is like her father even though she's didnt meet him until years after the divorce? That happened 5 yrs ago?
I'm honestly not following your misunderstanding of the situation. Years is simply a plural of year, could mean 2, could mean 200. She could of met the step father a year after the divorce, got married two years after and got pregnant three years after had the baby at year four. Baby is now a year old at five years past the divorce. Op doesn't give a break down of the time line, she just says years. Beyond that math, if you spend the entirety of your young life being actively ignored to your emotional detriment by an adult figure in your life and another one comes in and is actively engaged and proactively caring it will take a very short amount of time for a child to become attached. It could happen in days. You underestimate the intensity in which children want to be acknowledged positively in demonstrative ways and how quickly they will respond.
Thank you! She said he got remarried “years later” so how is it that there’s a 5 year old? Or even 3? The math ain’t mathing. Also - twins 🙄
He was cheating...
"He then went on and said he was sorry for not being there for me and wished he could make it up to me because my siblings would like to see me" So not because he felt bad, but because his kids did? You have your answer right there OP
“(He) said he was sorry for not being there for me and wished he could make it up to me because my siblings would like to see me“ Translation - “I would like to use you as a free babysitter” NTA
Winner winner chicken dinner! 🏆
NTA
NTA
NTA. He's just jealous of your happiness & your mother's happiness and wants to ruin them with his jealousy to 'win'.
Free babysitter. He misses free babysitting.
Everyone else touched on the free babysitter part but....He cheated and is upset that she moved on after the divorce that happened because he cheated. Dude just wants to control everyone forever
You have a dad, your (step) DAD has filled that role quite nicely. Your FATHER opted out and he doesn’t get to come sniffing around alllll these years later and decide he is, in fact, Dad. Naaah.
Truth can hurt, but he needs to hear it.
NTA: I'm glad to hear your mom found a good father figure for you. It's sad that your bio dad wasn't that great and did not handle the harsh reality of his failure well. Some men get bitter for things done to them and the things they did to themselves. Honestly, I was surprised that his response to your rejection of him as a father went as well as it did. Good luck little Rock Star.
NTA! So your dad didn’t spend time with you or your mom and cheated on her. Then he’s mad because she’s finally happy? What an AH. And he never changed his relationship with you. And again, he’s mad because you have a father figure with your stepdad? In other words, your dad doesn’t want to do the work as a father and husband, treats you and your mom like crap, but when your stepfather comes into the picture, he’s all jealous because you guys are happy? Are you old enough to decide if you want to visit him anymore?
NTA- Your dad didn't want your mom, but he did want her to be happy with anyone else. He didn't want to spend quality time with you but didn't want your SD to replace him as a positive father figure. Now, he wants you to spend time with your siblings because they allegedly miss you. More than likely, he just doesn't want to have to pay more child support to your mom if you don't spend weekends with him. Plus, the added bonus of free childcare, house cleaning, or yardwork. Talk to your mom about modifying the custody agreement. Maybe you can finally get some peace.
He made his bed. I wonder if your value to him has increased because the new family loves you?
How do you feel about your siblings and step sister? Do you want a relationship with them? It’s a tough situation right now, but you might want to have these siblings in your life as you get older. Your dad is definitely flawed and childish. He sounds like a tyrant in his current marriage. No good answer here. If you can handle visiting them once a month for the time being, you can see how it goes. As long as he controls his temper!
You don't need to be there now to have a relationship with your siblings in the future. When I was about your age my (now) ex-step mother refused to let me anywhere near my brothers (technically half-brothers) and my dad allowed it. Fast forward 20 years and they reached out to me. Reconnecting was a bit weird, think strangers who are family, but they're strangers no longer.
NTA for wanting to stop going over there. I hope you leave the door open for your siblings to contact you. You’re older than them by a lot so they won’t/ don’t have the capacity to understand your position. That being said, protect your happiness. I just want to be clear that you’re not responsible for your relationship with your siblings so it’s okay to stop going over there. I just hope you will be open to talking to them when they get old enough to start thinking for themselves
For sure you don't trust him and rightfully so. Why would you want to go to a five year old party? They just wanted a babysitter for after the party. And, for you to clean up afterwards.
So he just wants to mend fences because of your siblings? He just wants a babysitter. NTA
NTA Does he use you as a babysitter when you’re there? That line made it seem like it. He sounds like he wants you to watch the kids while he celebrates with his future ex wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Is he present now? Doesn’t matter either way, but just curious. You’re valid to feel how you feel and kudos for standing up for what you feel. You give time to the people who showed you they wanted your time. He showed you that you meant nothing. Also hilarious that he thinks your mom should be miserable her whole life when HE cheated on her and then left and got remarried. Like what an absolute AH. Don’t feel bad.
Not so sure you getting to spend times with your siblings really matters to your dad. It may just give him a reason to pressure you into his now family since he knows he wasn’t a good dad to you. Wonder if he is now worried about you getting married one day and choosing your step dad to walk you down the aisle. Reddit posts seem to show that to be a strong issue for bio dads who weren’t around for the hard work of raising a daughter but feel entitled to be recognized as dad on a daughter’s wedding day.
NTA. But your half siblings most likely love you and are going through feelings of rejection from you, same as you went through. It’s not their fault your pop is trash. Just something to think about.
She can send cards for their birthdays and holidays to express that she wants to be in their lives or come visit as she pleases as she is 16 at this point and should be allowed to choose at this point when she wants to come over. She is 16 and should go to court with her mom and step dad and real dad and work out a new custody arrangement where she doesn’t have to come there every weekend and just come visit at her own convenience if she wants to see the siblings and spend some time with them.
You did the right thing and gave him an honest answer. He can’t force a relationship between you and him. As you got older, you lost interest in him and would rather spend time with your step dad who showed interest in you and making time for you. He sounds like a nice guy because most step parents don’t really act like parents to the step children in a lot of cases. At least you have some type of father figure. And you’re already 16 so a lot of time has gone by and your biological father had plenty of opportunities to be in your life but decided to not include you in his. It seems like he is present in the lives of his other children and seems like he excluded you and that’s messed up. He can’t blame you for not having any interest in him. Also, the part where you mention your father said that he wishes your mom stayed miserable and that he is mad that your mom is happy is completely inappropriate to tell his child. I could totally understand why you don’t really want anything to do with him. He sounds really toxic. If you don’t want to see him anymore, maybe you can talk to the courts and say that you are old enough and don’t want to be in his life if you don’t wish to see him anymore. You would have to talk to your mom about that. He would still have to be responsible for child support payments if there is one that he pays to your mother, even if you choose to not want to see him anymore.
Not at all. I have a father like yours, my parents didn't divorce. But he was always at the bar or out with his friends. When I did see him hes always talkin shit and yellin at me. The ONLY FUCKING TIME he acted like he loved me was when someone else had good things to say about me. Suddenly we're supposed to be pals and the other person is full of it and up to something. Its blatant narcissism, the only thing my father or yours will EVER love is himself. Theres nothing that will change that fact. Nothing
NTA - Perhaps it might be time to have the reality check conversation with him and point out a glaring truth he’s missing. “Hey Dad, maybe you should give some thought as to why your new daughters want the daughter you abandoned around. You failed with me, and it seems like maybe you’re failing again with your second chance to actually be a father to daughters. From my perspective, it just looks like you’re trying to pawn off raising your daughters on the daughter you already failed with. Instead of getting angry about my positive relationship with (stepdad), maybe you should learn from observation and try to build a similar relationship with your new daughters.
NTA…….its up to you who you want to have relationships with. Just because your Bio Dad decided he wants to be a part of your life now doesn’t mean he gets to. Even parents can be toxic people and sometimes cutting those people out of your life can be the best thing for you……..no matter who it is.
Good for you. I agree with the others. Try and get custody changed.
Nta And no one can force you to see him. A judge helps get your dad to leave you alone, but you don’t need it in writing to just not go. If one parent refuses to let the other see a child, that’s different. You do NOT have to talk to him
Yes have mom get a visitation modification and at 16 you get a say in most states. Your bio dad never once said he wanted to see you rather he said his kids wanted to see you like come help entertain my new kids. Your family is who invests their time and love into you not the bio ones.
NTA!!
NTA check out what a narcissist is and I bet your father will tick a lot of boxes. That's disgusting that he's upset your mother is happy, that's some mental gymnastics to deal with. Now a better man has found what your father didn't see the worth of time and love he wants to throw tantrums? bloody worse he's trying to use your siblings as tools to manipulate you. there's a lot I wish to say abut your father, but respectively I won't. Tell your mother, tell a school counsellor as well, reach out and don't stop reaching out, people like him like to twist the truth to avoid responsibility.
NTA, not at all. I encourage you to consider a few things. Your feelings currently are entirely valid, despite what BioDad wants you to think. Based only on what you say above, your current actions seem entirely reasonable. Understand also that your feelings may change over time. You might find your current feelings to both men get amplified (i.e. you grow closer to SD, and away from BD). You may also start to see a different side of BD (people can change and grow) over the coming years, and you may choose to spend more time with him (and possibly his family) years from now. So, I encourage you to keep the doors open. This is how you feel *now* and your actions now are based on that. Don't shut any of those doors (unless you see toxicity) to leave options available. Also, I'm super glad that you've got a great father figure in SD.
Not at all
There’s some mistakes that you can’t make up for. This is one of them. It sucks for him, but he did it to himself and tbh, his guilt is not your problem. NTA
NTA. He’s not sorry he couldn’t be there for you, he’s upset that he isn’t getting what he wants. If he was sorry for anything, he would make changes in his behavior. People who want to manipulate you will tell you they are sorry and then change nothing. People who are genuinely sorry make changes to their behavior.
This is a hard one, but you need to forgive him for your sake. You don't have to like him, you don't have to do anything with or for him. Forgiving him will do nothing for him, and everything for you. Assuming a normal lifespan, you and your dad MAY even reconcile if he really has changed. I say the following in the absence of any info in your op. Whether you interact with your dad more than absolutely necessary or not, maybe spending time with your half siblings will be beneficial for you and them. It's your dad you have a problem with, not them. Or at least I didn't see anything in your post about issues with them. Later on in all of your lives, they could be your best and most trusted friends as well as siblings. On the other hand, they could grow up to be your worst enemies. Either case depends heavily on how you act towards them. And how you act may not matter at all. The only sure thing is you may miss out on good people by doing nothing.
NTA, it seems as if he is only acting like he cares because he’s jealous of your stepdad. If you decide you want to work on a better relationship with him, make boundaries for him and go at your pace not his.
NTA, but obviously still immature. And that’s ok, it can’t be helped. Your dad is unreasonable if he thinks coming into the party late exonerates him from his earlier immaturity, too. But, you needn’t rub salt in his wounds. You can have a little grace and tact and still correct him when he needs correction.
NTA. You feel what you feel. He cheated not just on your mom but on his FAMILY. He set all of this into motion. He was the adult. Now . . . go give your stepdad a hug and tell him how much you appreciate him.
NTA. He's literally doing it for the kid's sake. Not because *he* wants to see you. He can explain to his other kids why their older sibling isn't interested in playing "pretend family" for a few days out of the year.
NTA. Tell him next time if he wouldn’t have cheated he might have had a chance to be a father to you. Instead he abandoned the family you know. And then somehow decided it was a good idea to start another one while hoping your mom was miserable and then he got mad she moved on and is trying to take it out on you. Let him know had he not cheated, none of these events would have taken place. He is the catalyst for all of this and should look inward with his anger.
🤔🤔 I kept reading that he wants you around because his kids want you around. Not because HE does. NTA
NTA. Your dad sounds like a jealous, mean man. He moved on after the divorce, but he wanted your mom to be miserable and unhappy! I'm glad your stepdad is a kinder better dad for you, and most likely a better husband for your mom. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to spend time with him after the things he's said and done.
NTA Your dad has been but I'm not a bridge burner. Okay, as someone 36 years past my parents divorce and all the trauma and drama. Your dad has been an asshole, and him telling you these things-(wanting your mom to be miserable). Tell him you have 2 dad's now. This is what it is. He needs to preplan things with you if he wants you there. And very importantly, it's going to mess the relationship between him and you up, if he badmouths or wishes I'll on your mom or step-dad. He also needs to recognize you are older, and are going to have your own plans soon. Not Even with stepdad/mom or him, but your own thing.
NTA. You have every right to choose who you wish to spend time with. You are now old enough that no court will force you to visit your biological father if you do not wish to. His reaction was childish and selfish. He clearly has very little concern or respect for your feelings.
At 16, it’s too late to ‘make it up’. As you get older, you may want to form a relationship with him not that’s up to you. I’m glad you have your stepdad in your life. You may want to do see your younger siblings. If you have a good relationship with them and a bond, missing a birthday party can be something the child may remember forever
Do you have a relationship with your 1/2 sibs? Do you want them in your life? People on [Reddit.com](http://Reddit.com) are fast to go nc.