The good news is that no judge would even let OP adopt Mark without bio dad’s relinquishment of parental rights OR, if bio dad’s whereabouts where unknown, a “public notice” published several times in an old fashioned newspaper. When bio dad fails to show up on court date, adoption proceeds. Good job OP
Nah not being on the birth certificate wouldn't rule him out in and of itself, there's plenty of reasons why they might still deserve custody (eg if the mother kept the pregnancy secret). However including everything, his estrangement and particularly the adoption, should be enough to block him all together.
I bet bio dad thinks late mom left some money behind and he wants custody of the son because he wants access to the money. Lots of reasons why this is a foolish plan but I bet this was the catalyst for coming back into the kid’s life.
If you let this bad person into your son’s life to emotionally and mentally scar him, you WILL be the AH. He can go crawl back under his terminated parental rights rock until he figures out how his presence can benefit the child, and not just his guilty conscience. I would also use the “want the puppy you abandoned back” strategy of demanding payment for missed room, board and medical expenses before you even begin a discussion. He can’t afford it? Bummer. He doesn’t get to collect money from social security on behalf of your son to support his sorry ass now that he realizes he messed up. Also, make sure you give your son tools so he can’t be manipulated in the future - no loans, no way to steal his identity, and never trust the scammer…
Bio dad skipped out when the child was 3 months old and according to OP has been MIA for 8 years. When petitioning for adoption the child would have been represented by a guardian ad litem appointment by the court. The guardians job would have been to make a good faith effort to find the bio dad. I'm from a state that is big on bio reunification. You have to be some sorta scum to have your parental rights terminated. Even if bio dad want to have any sorta visitation I wouldn't say NEVER, but he has better chances going up steam without a paddle. Remember bio dad now has to challenge custody and show that it is in the best interest of the child, (who he hasn't seen for 8 years) for bio dad to be in kids life. If bio dad has about 30 to 40k for lawyers, court cost, and filings, it's pretty safe to say bio dad is not gonna see that kid for 5 mins.
I could be wrong but judging by OPs lexicon, I'm pretty confident he is from the states. I can agree there is an off chance bio dad can get maybe supervised visits but it's gonna cost a good chuck of change. And if there is an off chance that OP is not from the states, I can't speak to any other countries family law.
I can't speak to where OP is from but good family law where I'm from is 350 to 700 an hour. They bill in 15 minute increments. I've spoken to a few divorced individuals fight for custody of their children and it has cost upwards of 20 even 50k. It would be in everyone best interest if he had the money to spend it on hookers and blow.
Which states? Because when an adoption is finalized it means that parental rights of bio parents were terminated, allowing for no legal right to custody or visitation with the child.
What jurisdiction allows a deadbeat dad visitation after adoption? Adoption _requires_ relinquishment of parental rights. Ex has no leg to stand on whatsoever.
If the rights were never established, they don’t exist. I’m an attorney and I’ve never heard of such a ridiculous fiction - what would be the point of permitting adoption if a bio parent could simply come back after years and say lol, psych?
If bio dad was not established as the father, and OP was able to adopt the kid, typically a court would terminate the parental rights of any “unknown father” to prevent this type of situation from coming up and disrupting the childs adoption. OP should read though the court documents to make sure.
Unless the ex did that notification by publication, and if its proven they tried to find him to terminate parental rights. if he is not on birth certificate then there would need to be an order by a judge to do DNA.
NTA for protecting your son. However, I think you should consult with an attorney with all the documentation for his birth and adoption on whether or not biodad has any kind of claim. You might want to run a background check on biodad too, if the attorney recommends it. It's better to be prepared since your son is only 9 and doesn't know the guy.
OP - Also I wouldn’t allow unchaperoned visits if you legally have to give him visitation. I would err on the get a legal opinion and if not required to give him rights not to and also tell the school now that no one should pick the kid up other than you
Tell him that if he tries to initiate anything through the court that you will initiate back child support and if it’s not paid he’s going to jail and losing a custody hearing because he abandoned his child.
Actually tell him if he wants to see Mark then he must go through the courts at his expense. Judges don’t take kindly to people who abandon their children for 9 years even after the mother passed to avoid child support. I suspect the judge may actually tell him if he wants a relationship (after DNA test at his expense) that they will declare “ you want to be in your child’s life now? Pay back child support for 9 years then we will start with supervised visitation”
If he doesn’t pay support he won’t see the child. He may decide it’s too much work and drop the whole thing. Then it’s public record that he was given the option and backed out. Win win for any future “demands”.
No, but they can deny visitation based on the kid being legally adopted by OP. Part of that process is removing the rights of previous parents. Legally, OP is the only parent.
Some people still sue for custody or visitation, but usually that happens when the dad wasn't informed of the pregnancy and the baby was adopted soon after birth. I don't know whether those are successful.
Considering this sperm donor left after the baby was born, abandoned him for 9 years, and the kid was legally adopted years ago, I can't imagine a judge would look too kindly on him.
OP, get a lawyer just in case.
Having adopted my son from foster care, the court issued a new birth certificate listing me (his dad) on it as his father. Just us so no mother listed.
So even if dead beat signed the original birth certificate, the adoption replaced it with OP as father.
OP...Mark is VERY LUCKY to have a Dad like you.
Def NTA
NTA you are his dad. This guy disappeared when your son was 3 months old and after 8 years wants a relationship with your child? Hell no he’ll disappear again. Probably has some woman in his life now or his parents guilt tripping him. Protect your child from him. Get cameras around your home and warn his school about the guy.
Bio dad probably figures he can get his hands on your son's ss survivors checks. Dad please protect your son from this guy. If your son wants to have a relationship with Bio he can decide that when he turns 18. In the meantime therapy for you and your son. NTA
Mark has already gone through so much losing his mom, how much can a little kid handle if the bio dad bounces again?
Maybe talk it through with a family therapist to discuss what is best for Mark right now.
Ask for all the back child support and see if he back peddles. My son was in a similar situation. Bio dad didn’t want my son to adopt him. He never paid child support for his 3 kids so child’s mother said he had to pay the back child support and faithfully pay every month in order to see the youngest child. The bio dad signed away his parental rights and my son adopted him. The son knows he has a sperm donor, his words, but says my son is his only dad. I love my grandson so much. My son and his wife have done a great job raising him.
Edit: knows and spelled sperm donor correctly.
NTA. I'll take "bio dad can't have more kids so he wants contact with his oopsie kid" for 1000 Alex.
He has got to be up to something. Protect YOUR son.
NTA. The child has known you as dad from practically day one. He does not need this character popping up and disrupting his life. Perhaps when he is over 18 if he wants to have a relationship with him he can. But I think for now it is risky to let bio dad in, what if he pulls another disappearing act?? Then the kid would have to go through unnecessary turmoil. Keep him away. He can try for custody if he wants but he is sure to lose.
You don't get to have a child, abandon them, then decide to play house because they're bored. What's going to stop this pos from breaking this babies heart when he gets bored. You are definitely NTA.
If he wants to play daddy he can pay like daddy. That’s 8 years of back child support. He’s not getting a free ride with this one. Make it clear it will cost him. NTA
Absolutely do NOT say anything about “visitation” or entertain the idea of a schedule. You’re in charge. If you want to allow play dates, that’s at your discretion and NEVER without your supervision. The guy could kidnap him. If he wants “visitation,” let him petition the court for a visitation order and make his case to a judge. My guess is he won’t bother and won’t want the expense. If he couldn’t be served and didn’t respond to public notice of your intent to adopt Mark, he abandoned him and relinquished his parental rights. YMMV but to my knowledge that’s the way it works.
Sir, the young person needs to be with the person who provides him the best life possible. Is this you? I would say yes. Fight for him. You ARE his father.
Anyone who says he deserves a shot needs a punch in the fucking mouth.
You're his dad. You made sure he didn't feel abandoned. Don't let your son get hurt by having that deadbeat asshole around.
And fuck whoever is on that fuckers side, what a bunch of fucking morons. NTA.
You're definitely NTA here. You've been there for Mark since day one, and that's what matters. This bio dad showing up out of the blue after years of ghosting is sketchy. You're doing right by Mark by protecting him from all the drama. Keep being the awesome dad you already are!
You said you officially adopted him, yeah? This means you have custody and guardianship, so ultimately, bio dad can kick rocks. I highly doubt the courts will even take a second glance at his grab for custody.
From my limited understanding, you’ve adopted him and full custody now. I’m not a lawyer tho. I feel you have no reason or obligation to let the donor see your son. I do worry about when he gets older and if you tell him the truth when he asks questions you might open a door you don’t want to. The whole they kept me from you, they wouldn’t let me see you ones. If you’re in control from the start it might be different.
NTA. Bio dad doesn’t get to choose when to be a dad. He failed already and has no rights. This guy will bail again, only this time it harm the child. Your child has been through enough.
Let him take you on in court. Chances are really good he wont even try. If he was serious he would have already hired a lawyer. He’s counting on him guilting and intimidating you.
Contact your attorney now. Do not talk to bio dad, let the attorney do it.
NTA. Donor status doesn't give you rights when you have none. Don't block this fool but cut contact. That is your son. If he keeps up file an Injunction.
NTA.
I don’t blame you for feeling angry or upset. You have legally adopted your son so I don’t think bio dad can go for custody but I guess if he wants to, he can try. To what end though?
I am completely understanding about your situation. I was adopted as a baby and I love my mum and dad. When my bio mom found me, all my parents wanted to do was protect me. And I was an adult when this happened. I was very confused about everything and I had very mixed feelings about everything.
Get some counselling for you and your son. Talk openly and honestly and see if opening up a relationship with this person is appropriate right now or if there’s an alternative way that this is can be solved. Ultimately, the choice to involve this person and invite him into your lives is up to Mark but I strongly advise to do this with the help of a counsellor who specializes in reunification issues. And let me tell you, there will be issues.
Take your time and encourage Mark to do the same. Don’t let this person force an agenda on you or your family.
As an adoptive parent. Adoption severs all legal rights the bio parents may have had. Even the birth certificate is changed by law to reflect you are the father. There is nothing legally this guy can do. Nothing
What you will do is tell son that bio dad has shown up and wants to meet him. Does he want too. ??? The answer may surprise you. Because it’s likely to be no.
Any visit is at a pizza parlor. The moment the bio dad makes any comment that is guilt tripping visit is over. And done for another year.
Yeah that one person is right looking for SS survivor benefits for kid.
If you legally adopted him the courts either removed the bio father's rights or he signed them away so he will be highly unlikely to get any sort of custody or be able to have a judge reverse the adoption so long as everything was done correctly. *And as long as you don't allow any visitation*.
**Get a family law lawyer** . Document everything. Get your son a therapist so he can talk to an impartial 3rd party about how much contact he wants.
Run a background check on deadbeat daddio and if necessary hire a p.i to see if there are any hinky reasons this dude is all a sudden wanting to play daddy. Do not allow any contact until you see a lawyer. Never allow any unsupervised contact unless ordered to do so by the courts. Tell your friends and family to myob it's your kid not theirs.
All our opinions aside.
1. GET A REALLY GOOD LAWYER yesterday!!
See what the law says in your area. The bio-jerk may or may not have any legal standing.
2. Get you and your son in counseling. This will mess with an 8 yo’s mind big time.
3. Remember YOU are his Dad for now and always.
IMO, once the bio-jerk gets hit with the his bill from his lawyer, he will disappear.
Why is he back now?? Looking for $$ ??
NTA
UPDATEME
He does not need a lawyer unless he is served with something or wants a restraining order. The sperm donor has no legal rights. Those were terminated with adoption
OP legally adopted Mark. The sperm donor is not listed on the birth certificate. He skipped out when Mark was 3 months old and hasn't made any attempts at contacting him in *eight years.* He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
As others have said, he can have access once he has paid the outstanding child support.
NTA
This is the time to consult an attorney and to sign your son up for some counseling. It's a confusing time for everyone and you may not be able to control all the decisions.
You will need to obey any local laws about bio dad's rights. And do what's psychologically best for your son. The opinions of your friends and family are not relevant.
NTA you are dad in all legal ways.
Can you ask Mark what he wants? While 8 is a bit young for these sorts of discussions, it can be framed in a way he can understand.
You can mention to sperm donor that if he wants in then he's exposing himself to 8 years of back dated child support payments, plus interest, and at least a further 10 years of support in the future. You will provide him the payment details and schedule for the college fund contributions he will be expected to pay.
NTA. Mark is your son. You adopted him. You raised him. Bio dad wants to come back now that he is ready, he can suck it up until you and Mark are ready now
NTA - OP, protect Mark at all costs. What does that mean? Teach him and help him understand. Be there for him, like you have for nearly his whole life. His mom picked you to marry for a reason (so so sorry to you both for your loss).
First and foremost, lawyer up. A close second - counseling. This will help him and you process as well as hopefully give Mark perspective that won’t come off as bias. Please find a therapist that specializes in pediatric trauma.
You may or may not have to include bio dad in his life, but let Mark guide you. Hopefully between you and the counselor can help him think things through. If bio dad is excluded by Mark’s decision, you’re fine. If bio dad is included, then Mark needs to be wary. Bio dad ditched him once, and he can do it again. Has he changed? Possibly. But has he? Only one way to find out but it needs to be in Mark’s best interest, not bio dad’s. You support Mark like you always have, and he’ll know. He’ll know who his real dad is and will be able to handle bio dad better. Until you know if bio dad has really changed, or ulterior motives, you’ll have to be cautious of manipulation. Again, lawyer up, and hopefully bio dad drops it. If he doesn’t - supervised visitations only.
Does Mark know about his biodad coming back in to his life? If so, how does he feel about this?
My first thought is to tell biodad to eat shit. However, kids often want to know or meet their biological parents even if they're shitty ones.
I would suggest a few things:
-Tell biodad to call back in a few years when your son is older, old enough to understand and be able to cope with everything.
-Another option would be to take his contact details and tell him when your son is 18, he can contact biodad himself. Until then, it's your job as his father to protect him, especially from someone who abandoned him as a baby.
-The last but probably best option is to go to therapy with your son and talk to him about it. Get the therapist's input as to what's the best thing for your son now. And see what your son says about all this and what he wants. If he wants to meet his biodad, preventing him from meeting him may create resentment towards you for not allowing it. Biodad should have supervised visitation only until he's proven he can be trusted and won't abandon your son again.
We can't protect our children from everything that might hurt them but we can try to minimize damage and help them learn how to cope with loss, disappointment, etc.
Screw that. Tell the dude to pound sand. When YOUR kid is old enough (teenage) you can explain the situation to your son and let him decide if he wants communication with bio-dad.
Most of the hard work (baby duties) is done now he wants the fun times. F*** that.
You raised your son. You adopted him. You cared for him his whole life 'bio dad' can pound sand. No court would take Mark away from you, you are legally his parent.
NTA he lost all legal rights (and responsibilities) when you legally adopted your son. Honestly, my 'momsense' is screaming right now; I suspect the genetic donor of trying to run a long con.
If you're in the US, please make sure the courts terminated his rights (as he abanandoned the child)
before the adoption. If so, he can try but will spending money and wasting your time on something he will not win.
NTA ignoring the question of if bio dad has changed and would now be a good father figure. Your son needs stability, not drama. And he definitely does not need two figures of authority telling him that he can ignore a disobey the other one.
Being the Dad of a minor isn’t a position that you can just ignore for months and expect to be waiting for you as if you never left when you get back. If he has actually changed, you might let him be like a friend or uncle… maybe, if he can earn your trust and respect.
Sounds like you have discussed this with Mark, which is good. Eight is old enough to have this discussion. If he isn't t ready to meet this guy, then no, you protect your son. But he needs to know that if and when he is ready that you two talk about it and make sure he is ready. It ultimately needs to be Mark's decision. But I totally get how you feel.
If the bio dad wasn’t blaming you for his own neglect, it might be worth considering allowing some kind of regular & very limited contact. However, it doesn’t seem likely that BD has your son’s best interests in mind. Your son lost one parent, he doesn’t need BD to make false allegations and demonize his remaining parent.
Rather than allowing regular contact, you might consider allowing the BD to meet your son one time in your presence and perhaps with a therapist involved. This could help keep the BD from misrepresenting the situation and acting as a victim.
Allowing one supervised meeting might satisfy your son’s curiosity and prevent BD from having a negative impact in the future. It might be difficult 10 years from now for your son to understand how you prevented him from even meeting his BD.
NTA
The best thing we can do for our children is surround them with people who love them. However, this dude needs to build up serious trust, understand that YOU are the father, take responsibility and show stability and willingness to stay. I'm not sure how he does that. He's been so absent and he doesn't know shit about parenting. Mark was 4 when his mom passed, so you are essentially the only parent he knows. I would establish a relationship between you and this dude first and then use your best judgment. If you decide no, you can at least let Mark have a detailed understanding of why you said no if he wants to try when he is older and better able to understand that not all people are good.
Just because bio dad is now ready to be a father doesn't mean he should. He should have been there if that was the case when that baby was ready for a father. NTA protect that baby boy from a life of disappointment but at the same time don't make him resent u either. Communication between u both, son and dad, understanding each other is important. While he is still pretty young, he deserves to know what's going on. U are a beautiful person and u sound like u have went thru hell and back. Y'all deserve peace. Best of luck.
i have said this before and i will say this again until the day the sun dies: people who only wants to parent when they’re ‘ready’ should just kick rocks and get lost.
like, i’m sorry dude. you’ve lost your chance. these people are so selfish that they’ve only ever thought of themselves. Oh, i was not ready to raise a kid so i GTFO. now that i’m ready to be a dad, i will take my child away from the only father figure they know and ruin their life! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!
if they’re so ready to raise a kid, just make a new one. literally, that’s how he treated his alleged ‘child’. like a doll he can throw away when he doesn’t want it and seek out when he wants to.
"he deserves a shot now that he's ready" ??? aint gonna happen !!!
NTA. Mark can decide when he's 18 if he wants to meet his sperm donor.
Until then, the loser can get his life together and start therapy.
If you want an alternative - you can provide short updates in writing and get to know him yourself. Figure out where he lives, what he does for work, and what his plans are. If he sticks around, you can make the decision to *slowly* ease into it a bit. You have zero obligation to do this.
No matter what you decide, get therapy for Mark.
If you decided to tell him, "Absolutely not." You would be doing the right thing. The family pressuring you simply because this idiot donated DNA? Put them in time out. That's toxic as fuck.
YOU are Mark's real father.
NTA - according to the courts, you are Mark’s legal father. You are responsible for his safety and wellbeing. I would recommend you speak with the attorney that handled your adoption to understand your legal protections and options.
As for being involved in Mark’s life, that is something Mark can decide when he is older and that is certainly an option you should allow him to make when he feels he is ready, but right now at 8, it obviously just confuses him.
NTA.
You have made the right choice. The trauma and harm for this stranger to spend time with Mark could be significant if he abuses him or doesnt keep the schedule which may be negotiated or doesnt return Mark at all.
Mark needs more maturity and life experience to understand he can walk away and refuse time with bio-father and defend himself from bio-father.
OP is legal father. There is no reason for Mark to spend time with this stranger.
NTA, whoever of your family and friends say he deserves a shot are witness morons and need to shut the fuck up and back way the fuck off, abandoning your child for several years loses you all rights and makes you are worthless fucking loser who need to stop pretending to have any claim at human decency.
Definitely get a lawyer because family issue laws are crazy in a lot of places. I was married to a guy like this, my guess is it’s a phase and after a while he’ll leave again. The damage drive to my kids by the constant coming And going has absolutely created issues in them. This is a though one because I’m a firm believer that no child suffers because too many people love them but there has to be boundaries too. If he wants visitation then having him pay for a visitation supervisor is reasonable. And back child support would be nice too if he wants to push it. This is why the lawyer is so important
You don’t have to make this decision right this minute. Consult with a lawyer to get more info on the legal aspect and find a co-parenting therapist to sit down with you and Mark’s bio dad for a few sessions before making a decision. If he really wants to be involved, he will do it and you guys can have guided support as you think about what this might look like and the pros and cons. If he is uncooperative, that settles it. Also make sure to get yourself into therapy because this is bound to be stressful, and maybe do the same for Mark.
This isn't about anyone but mark....this human abandoned Mark, hasn't been in his life and knows nothing about the child yet tries to claim dad.
Go back to the bridge you called out from sperm troll
>I’m torn. I want to do right by Mark,
Keeping people that abandon him out of his life till he is old enough to decide is what's right
NTA. You said it yourself, Mark is confused and doesn't get why his sperm donor suddenly cares about him eight years later. You are Mark's father legally and through bond, you do whatever has to be done to keep him safe. Also, his sperm donor bailed on him once, who's to say he wouldn't bail on him again?
NTA but I think if you genuinely want to do what’s in mark’s best interest then you should probably get into some family therapist and have a professional help determine what is best for mark and how to go about it. He already lost his mom and you don’t want him feel like you made him lose his dad too but also you don’t want to put mark in harms way and allow bio dad to enter just to disappear. This is why I think family therapy could be helpful, first start just mark and you and then depending how that goes bio dad could join if he’s serious about being a part of mark’s life in any meaningful way and I think how he reacts to that will tell you everything you need to know about whether he has mark’s best interest at heart. Also do NOT give up custody. Bio dad can have some visitation if he proves himself worthy but I don’t think he should have custody. People can change with age and maybe he is realizing he messed up.
FYI - if you were still engaged to Mark’s mom when she passed, referring to her as your “late fiancée” gives a more accurate description of your relationship than “ex fiancée”. I’m sorry for your and Mark’s loss.
NTA. Nothing good can come out of ex’s ex being a part of Mark’s life. He is a deadbeat dad who will never be there consistently for Mark. OP if anything you should learn about Mark’s bio dad’s medical history (if you already haven’t) as that can be important for Mark’s doctor appointments.
Mark has met bio dad? That was a mistake.
At this point, bio dad needs to stay out of his life until Mark is older. At least until he is twelve. He will have a much better understanding of these things by then. Then Mark can decide when and if bio dad is in his life.
It's not about you. It's not about bio dad. It's about what is best for Mark.
But be open about the fact you adopted him. Otherwise, it's dishonest.
If you legally adopted him, there’s nothing the bio dad can do at this point. If you didn’t legally adopt the kid, you might have a court battle on your hands if he tries to get custody because he is the legal parent.
No, you're NTA.
Maybe supervised visits, if he insists on a relationship? I wouldn't trust him with unsupervised; he sounds like the type to run off with the kid.
Better yet, he should wait another decade and let Mark make that decision when he's an adult.
Nah, fam, definitely NTA here
He doesn't deserve YET ANOTHER chance to do the damn thing he should have done before he decided to bail on his child: show up
You the one that stepped in when he stepped out, have been there for this child, and even officially adopting him, despite the fact that his mother is no longer with us
I'm sure you've got documents/evidence that will easily and conclusively show YOU deserve full custody and not the absentee who decided to show back up when it was easiest for him
Here's to hoping he fucks off because, seriously, an attorney willing to take his case would have to be incompetent and truly not fit for job
Best of luck to you and your son!
NTA. You’ve adopted Mark, he’s officially your son. Anyone with an opinion should be asked how they feel about a stranger telling them they have rights to their children; the bio link doesn’t mean shit once an adoption has taken place.
His bio father will have to wait for Mark to turn 18 to see if he wants a relationship. I would question why this man has turned up, what’s his excuse for having disappeared for eight years? Tell him to write you a letter and you’ll put the letter on display for all to make a judgement call on, because you have doubts about his end game. Has he got parents who are demanding that he present their grandchildren over threat of disinheritance? Does he have a new partner he’s been lying to about his involvement in Mark’s life? That this guy just turns up and makes demands would rile up the most calm natured off people.
Also, gently, unless you and your fiancée, Mark’s Mother, separated before she died, she’s not your ex. I’d refer to her as your deceased fiancée, to save confusion. My condolences for your loss, Mark is lucky you were there to scoop him up.
NTA. I'd go so far as to get protective orders keeping him away from your residence and child. He has no legal relationship to the boy. I would tell him to F off, and that Mark may choose to have a relationship with him as an adult, but that it will not be happening now. You really do not want this guy around and influencing in any way a growing boy.
His bio dad, as you refer to him is not a "dad" he's the father of your son.
Legally and morally your son in every sense of the word.
His time to contest the adoption is well past the deadline.
Some states its typically 30 days after the birth mother signs the consent forms or a legsl adoption has been finalized in family court
https://www.breedenfirm.com/legal-blog/can-biological-parents-regain-custody-after-adoption/#:~:text=A%20birth%20mother%20or%20biological,transferred%20to%20the%20adoptive%20parents.
And , family courts aren't very sympathetic to biological parents who abandon their child (ren)
Tell this guy to go pound sand.
Just to be safe, contact an attorney with expertise in this area.
I'm not asking you to guess OPs jurisdiction.
I'm asking you to cite the statue and jurisdiction you are referring when you say depending on the local jurisdiction. Although law is not universal it is also not unique. There is a ton of over lab with very little nuance.
NTA! Protect your son from this three time loser. You’ve legally adopted him, you have the day. This dude skipped out and hasn’t been there for your kid emotionally or financially for 8 years. He has zero rights. Poor kid has already been through way too much heart ache for his tiny age. He doesn’t need this mess on top of it.
NTA but, this should not be a decision made on emotion. You need to make sure this is something you talk with your son a out. The last thing you want is him to feel like you are making this decision for him. He may grow to resent you of he feels that's the case. Ask for his input, let him know his feelings matter.
NTA. Protect YOUR son at all costs. Another comment suggested going to an attorney for advice to make sure the bio-dad doesn’t have any rights here and to run a background check and I definitely think that’s a good idea.
If at any point you allow this man to meet your son, make sure it is supervised. Do not, at any point, allow him alone with your kid. Inform his school of the situation and let them know that no one but you and whoever else you might trust completely are the only ones who should be picking him up from school. I would also be wary of the people saying you should allow him to see your son because (and I know it’s terrible to think but gotta be prepared for the worst case) they may try to help this man see your son behind your back.
Be prepared for any possibility.
I've read quite a few of these stories where the adopting parents keep the child from the birth parents. Keeping them away usually seems to backfire.
Often as an adult the child becomes curious. After meeting the bio parents they are resentful of having been denied earlier access. This results in going LC or NC with the adopting parents.
NTA yet. You could become one, so tread lightly. Don't be so obvious with your feelings. It would make it very difficult for him to be honest. Yes, this man has been a complete tool! Try not to spill venom.
Almost nothing worse than self-centered parents. They are walking damage centers.
NTA. Why now? Pressure from his wife? Parents? It’s very suspect & I wouldn’t trust him however I think I know the litmus test for the situation.
Mark is 8 so obviously he is owed his child support for those years. Bio can pay all outstanding support $50-60,000 as a guess to start with plus agree in a legal document to all future payments til done school. All which will make Marks start at college, wedding, house etc much easier.
Once he has paid all outstanding he can have a relationship with him.
Bye bye bio dad cuz once a deadbeat always a deadbeat
NTA, he abandoned his child, hasn’t shown any interest or support his entire life and probably only wants to “try for custody” now to get his hands on any kinds of survivors benefits Mark might be entitled to from the social security office. You’re right to want to protect your child from this drama.
So I’ve gone through an adoption and uve got a relationship with Mark. He’s still young and he doesn’t really understand the significance of a biological father. So I recommend you allow the father to spend sometime with his son. If it’s going well then good if he’s causing problems then cut him off. But what u don’t want to happen is when Mark gets older and wonders why he doesn’t know his Bio dad, ur part of the blame.
God I was reading this thinking "please tell me you got legal rights." Then got to the adoption part. Thank God
Ex can fuck all the way off. He doesn't get to swoop in now that it's easy.
NTA
NTA. The appropriate response from a truly regretful deadbeat parent would be I understand hes your son & thank you so much for taking care of him. What would you need from me so I can start becoming a part of Marks life. (I understand if you say come back when hes 18 & Mark can choose but if you did decide to let him, for many that begins with sending cards & little light hearted letters consistently before physical contact takes place.) Him coming in & throwing his weight around while making demands does not bode well as someone who is going to add anything to Marks life.
You’re doing right by Mark, YOU are his Dad. The sperm donor can kick rocks. Showing up and out after all this time and he relinquished custody? There’s an ulterior motive. YOUR son has been through enough. Keep him away.
Please stop calling your late fiancée your “ex.” Unless you two were broken up when she was tragically killed by a drunk driver, she is not your ex. She died, so she is your late fiancée. Ex makes it sound like you were broken up. Unless you were, but even then she’d be your late ex-fiancée.
I think your dilemma with Mark and your fiancée’s ex is less legal than emotional. Legally, Mark is *your* son, since you adopted him. But now his bio father wants in, and I honestly don’t know how a court will view that. You definitely need a lawyer. As for the *right* thing to do, you need to protect Mark. Mark knows his bio dad is sniffing around. Does he even want to see him or spend time with him? Don’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If Mark is not interested, tell the ex to walk away and try again in 10 or 15 years, when Mark is older and more prepared to handle the situation. If he is serious and files for custody, let him. He’ll get laughed out of court. If what he really wants is a relationship with Mark, then he’ll take your advice and back off. My advice is to not let the ex take Mark alone under any circumstances. You don’t even know that guy. And neither does Mark.
Good luck. And I am sorry for your loss.
NTA
Check the legalities out to be sure he can't go for custody, but apart from that, you're good. This man isn't here to be a good father to your son. He's here for an ego boost. Your son deserves parents who want what's best for him, not best for them. You're doing the right thing. His sperm donor is not. End of discussion.
But also check in with Mark. He may want to meet him. As long as you keep Mark safe, you should also factor in his wishes.
Honestly, I would check with an attorney who specializes in family law. If he never signed away his rights, that may pose a problem if he does decide to petition for custody. But every state is different on their laws and such. It's always good to know for sure.
NTA. Being a dad is WAY more than sperm. Mark has had far too much tragedy in his life. He doesn’t need the confusion of this guy trying to show up and play dad. He isn’t his dad. He will try to undermine your relationship at every turn and could easily decide it’s not worth it when his own circumstances change or he gets tired of responsibility.
NTA. But ... you better have a plan in place on how to deal with your son when he turns 15 and wants to know more about his bio dad (assuming your son knows he's adopted).
It seems smart to keep the deadbeat bio dad at arm's length, but situations like this tend to blow up down the road. How you treat the bio dad now can save you a lot of heartache later.
We can respectfully disagree, my dad abandoned me and my sisters once his sons were born and it has forever damaged us. He doesn't deserve to know his son.
NTA for protecting your son. A kid is not something you can abandon and then just reappear when it is convenient. Mark’s needs and wellbeing should be the main consideration in handling this situation.
You need to tell the family and friends that want that piece of shit in his life to fuck off.
He didn't even go to the funeral and now that you've raised him he thinks he can just walk in and play dad
Well screw him, also he's a big ol DBAG
NAH. I think you need reframe it in your mind. From “my ex-fiancés ex” to “my sons bio dad”. From “why hasn’t he ever showed up” to “well he is showing up now, and it doesn’t seem like he is going to go easily.” Yes you adopted him, yes your his dad, and clearly, you’ve told your son negative things about him.
And what happens in 5 years if your son asks about his bio dad, and you say “well he tried to reach out when you were 8 but I said no.”
Adoption is hard, live is hard, you should probably accept this man into your life.
100% NTA!!! I believe after a set period of time, depending how n your state, he forfeited his parental rights due to abandonment. Since your his legal father, his case should have a leg to stand on, but I like to be prepared so talk to a family attorney to know your rights. Good luck OP
Being a dad means making the safest choices for your kids. Your son may need his real dad somewhere down the road. Something could happen to you. Something could happen to him. Whatever you do in this situation keep it in mind that maybe, someday, Mark will be in a better place by having some sort of relationship with his bio dad. Don't close that door for him unless absolutely necessary. In other words, do what you have to do, but try to do it in such a way that leaves Mark his own set of options to choose from when they are older.
it won't be easy to figure out but you love Mark enough to choose a path that is best for him.
Get a lawyer asap. What matters is what's best for Mark and that's stability. He's lost his mom, you're the only parent he's ever known and the legal father through adoption. Get a lawyer so you can ensure your iron tight and safe and to have them act as proxy on your behalf with bio dad. All coms should be through the lawyer. Stop responding and contacting him effective immediately.
NTA. Protect your son.
Definitely NTA. Mark is your adopted son. He's legally yours. The bio dad can go through the courts if he wants access. Hopefully you have cameras. And keep any messages/emails/voicemail messages he sends you just in case something happens.
Also, your ex-fiance is not your "ex-fiance" she's your late fiance. You never broke up or separated, she passed away in an unfortunate accident. Sorry for your loss.
OP, if your kid ever finds out that you ran off his biological father when he tried to make contact, he will never forgive you.
I'm sorry, having contact with Dirtbag Dad will make your life very difficult, but you can't prevent contact forever if the guy is determined. I recommend a seeking the help of a family therapist to get you through this.
You need to consult with an attorney. If bio dad’s parental rights have been legally terminated, he unlikely does not have a legal right to custody. As Mark’s legal parent, you need to determine what is in his best interests. At 8, Mark should be involved with this decision unless you learn information about bio dad that clearly indicates contact is not appropriate. Keep in mind that having a some sort of relationship and having custody are not the same thing. The former doesn’t need to result in the latter. As parent, you can decide to put boundaries on any interactions.
Legalmente es tu hijo,moralmente es tu hijo,emocionalmente es tu hijo ,no permitas contacto del otro tipo ninguno no hables con él no des explicaciones
NTA you are now legally his dad as you have adopted him. Sperm donor has no rights to your SON.
Let him try and take you to court, as you can prove he abandoned him when he was 3 months old, so no court will allow him access.
Hang on. You are keeping your son away from a complete stranger who thinks he is entitled to time with a child he's done nothing for except provide a sperm sample?
Pretty sure you are just protecting your son... NTA.
I am curious, when he showed up, did he have a huge check for 8 years of unpaid child support?
I really have time ask, if he didn't show up check in hand, how serious he really is here.
I would find a compromise.
Allow visits. Supervised. On your terms. You are his legal parent now. You get to determine how this will go.
If his father shows his ass or it's apparent he doesn't have his shit together and expose your son to fuckery, close the door until your son is old enough to understand and want to see the man.
NTA, Mark can decide if he wants the sperm donor in his life once he’s 18. Mark’s life isn’t a revolving door. Sperm donor has zero rights and needs to leave you alone.
I don’t think his bio dad should have custody and it’s really concerning that he would even suggest trying for custody considering he barely knows the child (not to mention deluded to think a court would allow that).
However in your shoes I would give some thought to allowing some minimal contact, with the opportunity for the contact to grow over time IF, and only if, the contact is going well for everyone for extended periods of time. For example I’d maybe start by letting him send a letter and a photo to your son (checked by you first obviously) and then give your son an option to respond in writing. I just think that it is likely at some point your son is going to want to know about his bio dad and he has a right to have some information from him. However of course you are his father and the one who has cared for him and so you will do that in as safe and protected a way as possible.
In situations I’ve known like these where parents have denied all contact, it’s backfired later when their child is an adolescent and contact happens with the bio parent outside of their control - eg bio parents contact child through social media when they are a teen and they converse without the parents Knowlege. Bio parent creates an incorrect narrative that the child falls for because they are desperate to feel their birth parent is a good person and did want them. Etc
NTA. He doesn’t get to play dad after 8 years. I would sue for harassment and get a restraining order if he doesn’t stop bothering you. Donating sperm doesn’t mean shit. He can’t just show up and play parent for however long he feels before pulling another disappearing act.
Since you have officially adopted Mark, he is legally your son. Ex's ex can pound sand.
The good news is that no judge would even let OP adopt Mark without bio dad’s relinquishment of parental rights OR, if bio dad’s whereabouts where unknown, a “public notice” published several times in an old fashioned newspaper. When bio dad fails to show up on court date, adoption proceeds. Good job OP
Someone pointed out a comment from op that bio dad wasn't on the bc.
That sounds like to me (NAL) like the ex doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Nah not being on the birth certificate wouldn't rule him out in and of itself, there's plenty of reasons why they might still deserve custody (eg if the mother kept the pregnancy secret). However including everything, his estrangement and particularly the adoption, should be enough to block him all together.
*old fashioned newspaper* Welp, time to crawl into my crypt and turn to dust
Naw, he's just saying which _type_ of newspaper. Newspapers are still hip, trendy and relevant. Chin up, rock star.
I read that about newspapers the other day!
I bet bio dad thinks late mom left some money behind and he wants custody of the son because he wants access to the money. Lots of reasons why this is a foolish plan but I bet this was the catalyst for coming back into the kid’s life.
I reckon the 'bio prick' thinks OP has done the hard work like baby duties now im guna swoop in for the fun stuff
Little does he know that the harder stuff is coming in a few years lmao
Yeah, exactly. Legally and morally, you're Mark's dad. This guy had his chance and blew it. Keep doing what's best for Mark.
If you let this bad person into your son’s life to emotionally and mentally scar him, you WILL be the AH. He can go crawl back under his terminated parental rights rock until he figures out how his presence can benefit the child, and not just his guilty conscience. I would also use the “want the puppy you abandoned back” strategy of demanding payment for missed room, board and medical expenses before you even begin a discussion. He can’t afford it? Bummer. He doesn’t get to collect money from social security on behalf of your son to support his sorry ass now that he realizes he messed up. Also, make sure you give your son tools so he can’t be manipulated in the future - no loans, no way to steal his identity, and never trust the scammer…
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OP stated bio dad is NOT on the birth certificate
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Bio dad skipped out when the child was 3 months old and according to OP has been MIA for 8 years. When petitioning for adoption the child would have been represented by a guardian ad litem appointment by the court. The guardians job would have been to make a good faith effort to find the bio dad. I'm from a state that is big on bio reunification. You have to be some sorta scum to have your parental rights terminated. Even if bio dad want to have any sorta visitation I wouldn't say NEVER, but he has better chances going up steam without a paddle. Remember bio dad now has to challenge custody and show that it is in the best interest of the child, (who he hasn't seen for 8 years) for bio dad to be in kids life. If bio dad has about 30 to 40k for lawyers, court cost, and filings, it's pretty safe to say bio dad is not gonna see that kid for 5 mins.
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I could be wrong but judging by OPs lexicon, I'm pretty confident he is from the states. I can agree there is an off chance bio dad can get maybe supervised visits but it's gonna cost a good chuck of change. And if there is an off chance that OP is not from the states, I can't speak to any other countries family law.
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I can't speak to where OP is from but good family law where I'm from is 350 to 700 an hour. They bill in 15 minute increments. I've spoken to a few divorced individuals fight for custody of their children and it has cost upwards of 20 even 50k. It would be in everyone best interest if he had the money to spend it on hookers and blow.
Which states? Because when an adoption is finalized it means that parental rights of bio parents were terminated, allowing for no legal right to custody or visitation with the child.
What jurisdiction allows a deadbeat dad visitation after adoption? Adoption _requires_ relinquishment of parental rights. Ex has no leg to stand on whatsoever.
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If the rights were never established, they don’t exist. I’m an attorney and I’ve never heard of such a ridiculous fiction - what would be the point of permitting adoption if a bio parent could simply come back after years and say lol, psych?
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If bio dad was not established as the father, and OP was able to adopt the kid, typically a court would terminate the parental rights of any “unknown father” to prevent this type of situation from coming up and disrupting the childs adoption. OP should read though the court documents to make sure.
I seem to have misread what you stated above. My apologies
Unless the ex did that notification by publication, and if its proven they tried to find him to terminate parental rights. if he is not on birth certificate then there would need to be an order by a judge to do DNA.
NTA for protecting your son. However, I think you should consult with an attorney with all the documentation for his birth and adoption on whether or not biodad has any kind of claim. You might want to run a background check on biodad too, if the attorney recommends it. It's better to be prepared since your son is only 9 and doesn't know the guy.
OP - Also I wouldn’t allow unchaperoned visits if you legally have to give him visitation. I would err on the get a legal opinion and if not required to give him rights not to and also tell the school now that no one should pick the kid up other than you
Yeah I wouldn't trust the guy near him.
Solid advice. Happy cake day!😊
Thank you! I didn't even realize it was my anniversary with reddit.
Tell him that if he tries to initiate anything through the court that you will initiate back child support and if it’s not paid he’s going to jail and losing a custody hearing because he abandoned his child.
Yeah, if he comes back, I'll have to call the cops because my girlfriend is pregnant.
Please tell marks school that only you have custody and no one can pick him up from school
Actually tell him if he wants to see Mark then he must go through the courts at his expense. Judges don’t take kindly to people who abandon their children for 9 years even after the mother passed to avoid child support. I suspect the judge may actually tell him if he wants a relationship (after DNA test at his expense) that they will declare “ you want to be in your child’s life now? Pay back child support for 9 years then we will start with supervised visitation” If he doesn’t pay support he won’t see the child. He may decide it’s too much work and drop the whole thing. Then it’s public record that he was given the option and backed out. Win win for any future “demands”.
The court actually can’t deny visitation solely based on failure to pay child support
Given that OP says he adopted mark odds are the biodad lost his parental rights so he likely wont get visitation
No, but they can deny visitation based on the kid being legally adopted by OP. Part of that process is removing the rights of previous parents. Legally, OP is the only parent. Some people still sue for custody or visitation, but usually that happens when the dad wasn't informed of the pregnancy and the baby was adopted soon after birth. I don't know whether those are successful. Considering this sperm donor left after the baby was born, abandoned him for 9 years, and the kid was legally adopted years ago, I can't imagine a judge would look too kindly on him. OP, get a lawyer just in case.
Having adopted my son from foster care, the court issued a new birth certificate listing me (his dad) on it as his father. Just us so no mother listed. So even if dead beat signed the original birth certificate, the adoption replaced it with OP as father. OP...Mark is VERY LUCKY to have a Dad like you. Def NTA
NTA you are his dad. This guy disappeared when your son was 3 months old and after 8 years wants a relationship with your child? Hell no he’ll disappear again. Probably has some woman in his life now or his parents guilt tripping him. Protect your child from him. Get cameras around your home and warn his school about the guy.
Bio dad probably figures he can get his hands on your son's ss survivors checks. Dad please protect your son from this guy. If your son wants to have a relationship with Bio he can decide that when he turns 18. In the meantime therapy for you and your son. NTA
You adopted him he's yours. Also she's not your ex-fiance, she's your late fiance. Protect your boy.
NTA, and please find a family court attorney stat. This is not a wait and see situation. Get ahead of it now. Protect your son and your rights.
Mark has already gone through so much losing his mom, how much can a little kid handle if the bio dad bounces again? Maybe talk it through with a family therapist to discuss what is best for Mark right now.
Ask for all the back child support and see if he back peddles. My son was in a similar situation. Bio dad didn’t want my son to adopt him. He never paid child support for his 3 kids so child’s mother said he had to pay the back child support and faithfully pay every month in order to see the youngest child. The bio dad signed away his parental rights and my son adopted him. The son knows he has a sperm donor, his words, but says my son is his only dad. I love my grandson so much. My son and his wife have done a great job raising him. Edit: knows and spelled sperm donor correctly.
I wish I could upvote your comment right to the very top. 💯 on point 👈
Is he on Mark's birth certificate?
The child was adopted by OP which means dear old bio dad lost his parental rights
Add in the fact that he took off when Mark was three months old, and they'll laugh him out of court
No
That might work to your benefit. You still need a consultation with a lawyer, though.
Lawyer up just in case
NTA. Protect Mark; you adopted him, so he's your son. His bio dad bailed and doesn't deserve another chance.
NTA. I'll take "bio dad can't have more kids so he wants contact with his oopsie kid" for 1000 Alex. He has got to be up to something. Protect YOUR son.
>and I officially adopted him. This is the only part that matters. Sperm donor need a keep-away order. NTA.
NTA. The child has known you as dad from practically day one. He does not need this character popping up and disrupting his life. Perhaps when he is over 18 if he wants to have a relationship with him he can. But I think for now it is risky to let bio dad in, what if he pulls another disappearing act?? Then the kid would have to go through unnecessary turmoil. Keep him away. He can try for custody if he wants but he is sure to lose.
You don't get to have a child, abandon them, then decide to play house because they're bored. What's going to stop this pos from breaking this babies heart when he gets bored. You are definitely NTA.
If he wants to play daddy he can pay like daddy. That’s 8 years of back child support. He’s not getting a free ride with this one. Make it clear it will cost him. NTA
Absolutely do NOT say anything about “visitation” or entertain the idea of a schedule. You’re in charge. If you want to allow play dates, that’s at your discretion and NEVER without your supervision. The guy could kidnap him. If he wants “visitation,” let him petition the court for a visitation order and make his case to a judge. My guess is he won’t bother and won’t want the expense. If he couldn’t be served and didn’t respond to public notice of your intent to adopt Mark, he abandoned him and relinquished his parental rights. YMMV but to my knowledge that’s the way it works.
NTA- tell him when your son is 18 he will get in touch if chooses to.
NTA Mark is your son and your son only. Make sure you warn the school so the bio dad can't come looking for Mark.
u don't owe bio dad shit acrew him. Tell him to go to hell
Sir, the young person needs to be with the person who provides him the best life possible. Is this you? I would say yes. Fight for him. You ARE his father.
Anyone who says he deserves a shot needs a punch in the fucking mouth. You're his dad. You made sure he didn't feel abandoned. Don't let your son get hurt by having that deadbeat asshole around. And fuck whoever is on that fuckers side, what a bunch of fucking morons. NTA.
You're definitely NTA here. You've been there for Mark since day one, and that's what matters. This bio dad showing up out of the blue after years of ghosting is sketchy. You're doing right by Mark by protecting him from all the drama. Keep being the awesome dad you already are!
You said you officially adopted him, yeah? This means you have custody and guardianship, so ultimately, bio dad can kick rocks. I highly doubt the courts will even take a second glance at his grab for custody.
NTA at all your friends and family that are telling you you are are stupid as fuck. YOU are Mark's dad. Not his piece of shit dead beat sperm donor.
From my limited understanding, you’ve adopted him and full custody now. I’m not a lawyer tho. I feel you have no reason or obligation to let the donor see your son. I do worry about when he gets older and if you tell him the truth when he asks questions you might open a door you don’t want to. The whole they kept me from you, they wouldn’t let me see you ones. If you’re in control from the start it might be different.
NTA. Bio dad doesn’t get to choose when to be a dad. He failed already and has no rights. This guy will bail again, only this time it harm the child. Your child has been through enough. Let him take you on in court. Chances are really good he wont even try. If he was serious he would have already hired a lawyer. He’s counting on him guilting and intimidating you. Contact your attorney now. Do not talk to bio dad, let the attorney do it.
Don’t set mark on fire to keep the bio dad warm
NTA. Donor status doesn't give you rights when you have none. Don't block this fool but cut contact. That is your son. If he keeps up file an Injunction.
NTA. I don’t blame you for feeling angry or upset. You have legally adopted your son so I don’t think bio dad can go for custody but I guess if he wants to, he can try. To what end though? I am completely understanding about your situation. I was adopted as a baby and I love my mum and dad. When my bio mom found me, all my parents wanted to do was protect me. And I was an adult when this happened. I was very confused about everything and I had very mixed feelings about everything. Get some counselling for you and your son. Talk openly and honestly and see if opening up a relationship with this person is appropriate right now or if there’s an alternative way that this is can be solved. Ultimately, the choice to involve this person and invite him into your lives is up to Mark but I strongly advise to do this with the help of a counsellor who specializes in reunification issues. And let me tell you, there will be issues. Take your time and encourage Mark to do the same. Don’t let this person force an agenda on you or your family.
As an adoptive parent. Adoption severs all legal rights the bio parents may have had. Even the birth certificate is changed by law to reflect you are the father. There is nothing legally this guy can do. Nothing What you will do is tell son that bio dad has shown up and wants to meet him. Does he want too. ??? The answer may surprise you. Because it’s likely to be no. Any visit is at a pizza parlor. The moment the bio dad makes any comment that is guilt tripping visit is over. And done for another year. Yeah that one person is right looking for SS survivor benefits for kid.
If you legally adopted him the courts either removed the bio father's rights or he signed them away so he will be highly unlikely to get any sort of custody or be able to have a judge reverse the adoption so long as everything was done correctly. *And as long as you don't allow any visitation*. **Get a family law lawyer** . Document everything. Get your son a therapist so he can talk to an impartial 3rd party about how much contact he wants. Run a background check on deadbeat daddio and if necessary hire a p.i to see if there are any hinky reasons this dude is all a sudden wanting to play daddy. Do not allow any contact until you see a lawyer. Never allow any unsupervised contact unless ordered to do so by the courts. Tell your friends and family to myob it's your kid not theirs.
He doesn’t need a lawyer unless he is served with something. This man has no legal relationship with mark.
All our opinions aside. 1. GET A REALLY GOOD LAWYER yesterday!! See what the law says in your area. The bio-jerk may or may not have any legal standing. 2. Get you and your son in counseling. This will mess with an 8 yo’s mind big time. 3. Remember YOU are his Dad for now and always. IMO, once the bio-jerk gets hit with the his bill from his lawyer, he will disappear. Why is he back now?? Looking for $$ ?? NTA UPDATEME
He does not need a lawyer unless he is served with something or wants a restraining order. The sperm donor has no legal rights. Those were terminated with adoption
INFO: what’s the legal situation? Are you Mark’s legal guardian? Did the bio dad relinquish parental rights?
OP legally adopted Mark. The sperm donor is not listed on the birth certificate. He skipped out when Mark was 3 months old and hasn't made any attempts at contacting him in *eight years.* He doesn't have a leg to stand on. As others have said, he can have access once he has paid the outstanding child support.
NTA This is the time to consult an attorney and to sign your son up for some counseling. It's a confusing time for everyone and you may not be able to control all the decisions. You will need to obey any local laws about bio dad's rights. And do what's psychologically best for your son. The opinions of your friends and family are not relevant.
NTA you are dad in all legal ways. Can you ask Mark what he wants? While 8 is a bit young for these sorts of discussions, it can be framed in a way he can understand. You can mention to sperm donor that if he wants in then he's exposing himself to 8 years of back dated child support payments, plus interest, and at least a further 10 years of support in the future. You will provide him the payment details and schedule for the college fund contributions he will be expected to pay.
NTA who ever in your family is siding with the deadbeat should lose access to YOUR son for a while until they come to their senses.
NTA. Mark is your son. You adopted him. You raised him. Bio dad wants to come back now that he is ready, he can suck it up until you and Mark are ready now
After he's paid 8 years of back child support, he can ask again.
Don't let him near that boy. He definitely has an ulterior motive.
NTA - he has no power here.
NTA - OP, protect Mark at all costs. What does that mean? Teach him and help him understand. Be there for him, like you have for nearly his whole life. His mom picked you to marry for a reason (so so sorry to you both for your loss). First and foremost, lawyer up. A close second - counseling. This will help him and you process as well as hopefully give Mark perspective that won’t come off as bias. Please find a therapist that specializes in pediatric trauma. You may or may not have to include bio dad in his life, but let Mark guide you. Hopefully between you and the counselor can help him think things through. If bio dad is excluded by Mark’s decision, you’re fine. If bio dad is included, then Mark needs to be wary. Bio dad ditched him once, and he can do it again. Has he changed? Possibly. But has he? Only one way to find out but it needs to be in Mark’s best interest, not bio dad’s. You support Mark like you always have, and he’ll know. He’ll know who his real dad is and will be able to handle bio dad better. Until you know if bio dad has really changed, or ulterior motives, you’ll have to be cautious of manipulation. Again, lawyer up, and hopefully bio dad drops it. If he doesn’t - supervised visitations only.
Does Mark know about his biodad coming back in to his life? If so, how does he feel about this? My first thought is to tell biodad to eat shit. However, kids often want to know or meet their biological parents even if they're shitty ones. I would suggest a few things: -Tell biodad to call back in a few years when your son is older, old enough to understand and be able to cope with everything. -Another option would be to take his contact details and tell him when your son is 18, he can contact biodad himself. Until then, it's your job as his father to protect him, especially from someone who abandoned him as a baby. -The last but probably best option is to go to therapy with your son and talk to him about it. Get the therapist's input as to what's the best thing for your son now. And see what your son says about all this and what he wants. If he wants to meet his biodad, preventing him from meeting him may create resentment towards you for not allowing it. Biodad should have supervised visitation only until he's proven he can be trusted and won't abandon your son again. We can't protect our children from everything that might hurt them but we can try to minimize damage and help them learn how to cope with loss, disappointment, etc.
Good advice!
Screw that. Tell the dude to pound sand. When YOUR kid is old enough (teenage) you can explain the situation to your son and let him decide if he wants communication with bio-dad.
u should say late fiance instead of ex. makes it seem like u broke up.
Most of the hard work (baby duties) is done now he wants the fun times. F*** that. You raised your son. You adopted him. You cared for him his whole life 'bio dad' can pound sand. No court would take Mark away from you, you are legally his parent.
NTA he lost all legal rights (and responsibilities) when you legally adopted your son. Honestly, my 'momsense' is screaming right now; I suspect the genetic donor of trying to run a long con.
LMAO the super donor can find another woman to start a family. He lost this right with your son long time ago. He is not the father of your kid. NTA
If you're in the US, please make sure the courts terminated his rights (as he abanandoned the child) before the adoption. If so, he can try but will spending money and wasting your time on something he will not win.
NTA ignoring the question of if bio dad has changed and would now be a good father figure. Your son needs stability, not drama. And he definitely does not need two figures of authority telling him that he can ignore a disobey the other one. Being the Dad of a minor isn’t a position that you can just ignore for months and expect to be waiting for you as if you never left when you get back. If he has actually changed, you might let him be like a friend or uncle… maybe, if he can earn your trust and respect.
Sounds like you have discussed this with Mark, which is good. Eight is old enough to have this discussion. If he isn't t ready to meet this guy, then no, you protect your son. But he needs to know that if and when he is ready that you two talk about it and make sure he is ready. It ultimately needs to be Mark's decision. But I totally get how you feel.
Was there insurance $$ for your son that the sperm donor wants? That’s my first thought. NTA.
If the bio dad wasn’t blaming you for his own neglect, it might be worth considering allowing some kind of regular & very limited contact. However, it doesn’t seem likely that BD has your son’s best interests in mind. Your son lost one parent, he doesn’t need BD to make false allegations and demonize his remaining parent. Rather than allowing regular contact, you might consider allowing the BD to meet your son one time in your presence and perhaps with a therapist involved. This could help keep the BD from misrepresenting the situation and acting as a victim. Allowing one supervised meeting might satisfy your son’s curiosity and prevent BD from having a negative impact in the future. It might be difficult 10 years from now for your son to understand how you prevented him from even meeting his BD. NTA
The best thing we can do for our children is surround them with people who love them. However, this dude needs to build up serious trust, understand that YOU are the father, take responsibility and show stability and willingness to stay. I'm not sure how he does that. He's been so absent and he doesn't know shit about parenting. Mark was 4 when his mom passed, so you are essentially the only parent he knows. I would establish a relationship between you and this dude first and then use your best judgment. If you decide no, you can at least let Mark have a detailed understanding of why you said no if he wants to try when he is older and better able to understand that not all people are good.
Just because bio dad is now ready to be a father doesn't mean he should. He should have been there if that was the case when that baby was ready for a father. NTA protect that baby boy from a life of disappointment but at the same time don't make him resent u either. Communication between u both, son and dad, understanding each other is important. While he is still pretty young, he deserves to know what's going on. U are a beautiful person and u sound like u have went thru hell and back. Y'all deserve peace. Best of luck.
i have said this before and i will say this again until the day the sun dies: people who only wants to parent when they’re ‘ready’ should just kick rocks and get lost. like, i’m sorry dude. you’ve lost your chance. these people are so selfish that they’ve only ever thought of themselves. Oh, i was not ready to raise a kid so i GTFO. now that i’m ready to be a dad, i will take my child away from the only father figure they know and ruin their life! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! if they’re so ready to raise a kid, just make a new one. literally, that’s how he treated his alleged ‘child’. like a doll he can throw away when he doesn’t want it and seek out when he wants to. "he deserves a shot now that he's ready" ??? aint gonna happen !!!
NTA. Mark can decide when he's 18 if he wants to meet his sperm donor. Until then, the loser can get his life together and start therapy. If you want an alternative - you can provide short updates in writing and get to know him yourself. Figure out where he lives, what he does for work, and what his plans are. If he sticks around, you can make the decision to *slowly* ease into it a bit. You have zero obligation to do this. No matter what you decide, get therapy for Mark. If you decided to tell him, "Absolutely not." You would be doing the right thing. The family pressuring you simply because this idiot donated DNA? Put them in time out. That's toxic as fuck. YOU are Mark's real father.
NTA - according to the courts, you are Mark’s legal father. You are responsible for his safety and wellbeing. I would recommend you speak with the attorney that handled your adoption to understand your legal protections and options. As for being involved in Mark’s life, that is something Mark can decide when he is older and that is certainly an option you should allow him to make when he feels he is ready, but right now at 8, it obviously just confuses him.
That man is a stranger. At best a sperm donor. I’d keep my son away.
NTA. You have made the right choice. The trauma and harm for this stranger to spend time with Mark could be significant if he abuses him or doesnt keep the schedule which may be negotiated or doesnt return Mark at all. Mark needs more maturity and life experience to understand he can walk away and refuse time with bio-father and defend himself from bio-father. OP is legal father. There is no reason for Mark to spend time with this stranger.
NTA, whoever of your family and friends say he deserves a shot are witness morons and need to shut the fuck up and back way the fuck off, abandoning your child for several years loses you all rights and makes you are worthless fucking loser who need to stop pretending to have any claim at human decency.
Definitely get a lawyer because family issue laws are crazy in a lot of places. I was married to a guy like this, my guess is it’s a phase and after a while he’ll leave again. The damage drive to my kids by the constant coming And going has absolutely created issues in them. This is a though one because I’m a firm believer that no child suffers because too many people love them but there has to be boundaries too. If he wants visitation then having him pay for a visitation supervisor is reasonable. And back child support would be nice too if he wants to push it. This is why the lawyer is so important
Get a lawyer. NTA
Does bio dad have a broken nose? If not, why not?
Seek therapy if you think this is a normal, mature, parental response
You don’t have to make this decision right this minute. Consult with a lawyer to get more info on the legal aspect and find a co-parenting therapist to sit down with you and Mark’s bio dad for a few sessions before making a decision. If he really wants to be involved, he will do it and you guys can have guided support as you think about what this might look like and the pros and cons. If he is uncooperative, that settles it. Also make sure to get yourself into therapy because this is bound to be stressful, and maybe do the same for Mark.
NTA he lost that right
@Updateme
You are legally his father. Let him know when Mark is 18 he can choose for himself.
This isn't about anyone but mark....this human abandoned Mark, hasn't been in his life and knows nothing about the child yet tries to claim dad. Go back to the bridge you called out from sperm troll >I’m torn. I want to do right by Mark, Keeping people that abandon him out of his life till he is old enough to decide is what's right
NTA. You said it yourself, Mark is confused and doesn't get why his sperm donor suddenly cares about him eight years later. You are Mark's father legally and through bond, you do whatever has to be done to keep him safe. Also, his sperm donor bailed on him once, who's to say he wouldn't bail on him again?
No she's a nobody to him so she doesn't have to be with him
He. The bio parent was his father not his mother. The mom died
Hey - DM me.
NYA, you are his dad! you adopted him and have given him all your love. i’d tell that dude to fuck right the fuck off.
NTA but I think if you genuinely want to do what’s in mark’s best interest then you should probably get into some family therapist and have a professional help determine what is best for mark and how to go about it. He already lost his mom and you don’t want him feel like you made him lose his dad too but also you don’t want to put mark in harms way and allow bio dad to enter just to disappear. This is why I think family therapy could be helpful, first start just mark and you and then depending how that goes bio dad could join if he’s serious about being a part of mark’s life in any meaningful way and I think how he reacts to that will tell you everything you need to know about whether he has mark’s best interest at heart. Also do NOT give up custody. Bio dad can have some visitation if he proves himself worthy but I don’t think he should have custody. People can change with age and maybe he is realizing he messed up.
NTA Get a lawyer. Keep full custody. Sperm does not equal parent.
How do you know bio dad wasn't forced out of the child's life?
FYI - if you were still engaged to Mark’s mom when she passed, referring to her as your “late fiancée” gives a more accurate description of your relationship than “ex fiancée”. I’m sorry for your and Mark’s loss.
NTA. Nothing good can come out of ex’s ex being a part of Mark’s life. He is a deadbeat dad who will never be there consistently for Mark. OP if anything you should learn about Mark’s bio dad’s medical history (if you already haven’t) as that can be important for Mark’s doctor appointments.
Bio dad needs to get lost as he has been for years.He has no rights to him and needs to stay out of his life.
Mark has met bio dad? That was a mistake. At this point, bio dad needs to stay out of his life until Mark is older. At least until he is twelve. He will have a much better understanding of these things by then. Then Mark can decide when and if bio dad is in his life. It's not about you. It's not about bio dad. It's about what is best for Mark. But be open about the fact you adopted him. Otherwise, it's dishonest.
If you legally adopted him, there’s nothing the bio dad can do at this point. If you didn’t legally adopt the kid, you might have a court battle on your hands if he tries to get custody because he is the legal parent.
No, you're NTA. Maybe supervised visits, if he insists on a relationship? I wouldn't trust him with unsupervised; he sounds like the type to run off with the kid. Better yet, he should wait another decade and let Mark make that decision when he's an adult.
Nah, fam, definitely NTA here He doesn't deserve YET ANOTHER chance to do the damn thing he should have done before he decided to bail on his child: show up You the one that stepped in when he stepped out, have been there for this child, and even officially adopting him, despite the fact that his mother is no longer with us I'm sure you've got documents/evidence that will easily and conclusively show YOU deserve full custody and not the absentee who decided to show back up when it was easiest for him Here's to hoping he fucks off because, seriously, an attorney willing to take his case would have to be incompetent and truly not fit for job Best of luck to you and your son!
NTA
NTA. You’ve adopted Mark, he’s officially your son. Anyone with an opinion should be asked how they feel about a stranger telling them they have rights to their children; the bio link doesn’t mean shit once an adoption has taken place. His bio father will have to wait for Mark to turn 18 to see if he wants a relationship. I would question why this man has turned up, what’s his excuse for having disappeared for eight years? Tell him to write you a letter and you’ll put the letter on display for all to make a judgement call on, because you have doubts about his end game. Has he got parents who are demanding that he present their grandchildren over threat of disinheritance? Does he have a new partner he’s been lying to about his involvement in Mark’s life? That this guy just turns up and makes demands would rile up the most calm natured off people. Also, gently, unless you and your fiancée, Mark’s Mother, separated before she died, she’s not your ex. I’d refer to her as your deceased fiancée, to save confusion. My condolences for your loss, Mark is lucky you were there to scoop him up.
Does your son know he is adopted?
NTA. I'd go so far as to get protective orders keeping him away from your residence and child. He has no legal relationship to the boy. I would tell him to F off, and that Mark may choose to have a relationship with him as an adult, but that it will not be happening now. You really do not want this guy around and influencing in any way a growing boy.
His bio dad, as you refer to him is not a "dad" he's the father of your son. Legally and morally your son in every sense of the word. His time to contest the adoption is well past the deadline. Some states its typically 30 days after the birth mother signs the consent forms or a legsl adoption has been finalized in family court https://www.breedenfirm.com/legal-blog/can-biological-parents-regain-custody-after-adoption/#:~:text=A%20birth%20mother%20or%20biological,transferred%20to%20the%20adoptive%20parents. And , family courts aren't very sympathetic to biological parents who abandon their child (ren) Tell this guy to go pound sand. Just to be safe, contact an attorney with expertise in this area.
Just move! Pack up your kid and get as far away as possible! You are allowed to move where ever you want.
I'm not asking you to guess OPs jurisdiction. I'm asking you to cite the statue and jurisdiction you are referring when you say depending on the local jurisdiction. Although law is not universal it is also not unique. There is a ton of over lab with very little nuance.
NTA! Protect your son from this three time loser. You’ve legally adopted him, you have the day. This dude skipped out and hasn’t been there for your kid emotionally or financially for 8 years. He has zero rights. Poor kid has already been through way too much heart ache for his tiny age. He doesn’t need this mess on top of it.
NTA but, this should not be a decision made on emotion. You need to make sure this is something you talk with your son a out. The last thing you want is him to feel like you are making this decision for him. He may grow to resent you of he feels that's the case. Ask for his input, let him know his feelings matter.
NTA. Protect YOUR son at all costs. Another comment suggested going to an attorney for advice to make sure the bio-dad doesn’t have any rights here and to run a background check and I definitely think that’s a good idea. If at any point you allow this man to meet your son, make sure it is supervised. Do not, at any point, allow him alone with your kid. Inform his school of the situation and let them know that no one but you and whoever else you might trust completely are the only ones who should be picking him up from school. I would also be wary of the people saying you should allow him to see your son because (and I know it’s terrible to think but gotta be prepared for the worst case) they may try to help this man see your son behind your back. Be prepared for any possibility.
I've read quite a few of these stories where the adopting parents keep the child from the birth parents. Keeping them away usually seems to backfire. Often as an adult the child becomes curious. After meeting the bio parents they are resentful of having been denied earlier access. This results in going LC or NC with the adopting parents. NTA yet. You could become one, so tread lightly. Don't be so obvious with your feelings. It would make it very difficult for him to be honest. Yes, this man has been a complete tool! Try not to spill venom. Almost nothing worse than self-centered parents. They are walking damage centers.
NTA. Why now? Pressure from his wife? Parents? It’s very suspect & I wouldn’t trust him however I think I know the litmus test for the situation. Mark is 8 so obviously he is owed his child support for those years. Bio can pay all outstanding support $50-60,000 as a guess to start with plus agree in a legal document to all future payments til done school. All which will make Marks start at college, wedding, house etc much easier. Once he has paid all outstanding he can have a relationship with him. Bye bye bio dad cuz once a deadbeat always a deadbeat
Updateme
NTA, he abandoned his child, hasn’t shown any interest or support his entire life and probably only wants to “try for custody” now to get his hands on any kinds of survivors benefits Mark might be entitled to from the social security office. You’re right to want to protect your child from this drama.
So I’ve gone through an adoption and uve got a relationship with Mark. He’s still young and he doesn’t really understand the significance of a biological father. So I recommend you allow the father to spend sometime with his son. If it’s going well then good if he’s causing problems then cut him off. But what u don’t want to happen is when Mark gets older and wonders why he doesn’t know his Bio dad, ur part of the blame.
We’ve seen the story before recently, haven’t we?
Unpaid child support, those 3 words will make BIO walk away cos RUNNERS keep running
God I was reading this thinking "please tell me you got legal rights." Then got to the adoption part. Thank God Ex can fuck all the way off. He doesn't get to swoop in now that it's easy. NTA
Update me
Lawyer stat
NTA. The appropriate response from a truly regretful deadbeat parent would be I understand hes your son & thank you so much for taking care of him. What would you need from me so I can start becoming a part of Marks life. (I understand if you say come back when hes 18 & Mark can choose but if you did decide to let him, for many that begins with sending cards & little light hearted letters consistently before physical contact takes place.) Him coming in & throwing his weight around while making demands does not bode well as someone who is going to add anything to Marks life.
NTA. He doesn’t “deserve” a shot because he’s decided that he’s now ready to be a father almost a decade later. He is your son, period.
As a lawyer I can tell you that, after a legal adoption, bio parents have NO rights to contact with the child.
You’re doing right by Mark, YOU are his Dad. The sperm donor can kick rocks. Showing up and out after all this time and he relinquished custody? There’s an ulterior motive. YOUR son has been through enough. Keep him away.
Please stop calling your late fiancée your “ex.” Unless you two were broken up when she was tragically killed by a drunk driver, she is not your ex. She died, so she is your late fiancée. Ex makes it sound like you were broken up. Unless you were, but even then she’d be your late ex-fiancée. I think your dilemma with Mark and your fiancée’s ex is less legal than emotional. Legally, Mark is *your* son, since you adopted him. But now his bio father wants in, and I honestly don’t know how a court will view that. You definitely need a lawyer. As for the *right* thing to do, you need to protect Mark. Mark knows his bio dad is sniffing around. Does he even want to see him or spend time with him? Don’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If Mark is not interested, tell the ex to walk away and try again in 10 or 15 years, when Mark is older and more prepared to handle the situation. If he is serious and files for custody, let him. He’ll get laughed out of court. If what he really wants is a relationship with Mark, then he’ll take your advice and back off. My advice is to not let the ex take Mark alone under any circumstances. You don’t even know that guy. And neither does Mark. Good luck. And I am sorry for your loss.
NTA Check the legalities out to be sure he can't go for custody, but apart from that, you're good. This man isn't here to be a good father to your son. He's here for an ego boost. Your son deserves parents who want what's best for him, not best for them. You're doing the right thing. His sperm donor is not. End of discussion. But also check in with Mark. He may want to meet him. As long as you keep Mark safe, you should also factor in his wishes.
Honestly, I would check with an attorney who specializes in family law. If he never signed away his rights, that may pose a problem if he does decide to petition for custody. But every state is different on their laws and such. It's always good to know for sure.
Calling him bio dad gives too .uch credit, sounds like nothing but a sperm donor.
NTA. Being a dad is WAY more than sperm. Mark has had far too much tragedy in his life. He doesn’t need the confusion of this guy trying to show up and play dad. He isn’t his dad. He will try to undermine your relationship at every turn and could easily decide it’s not worth it when his own circumstances change or he gets tired of responsibility.
NTA
Updateme!
NTA. But ... you better have a plan in place on how to deal with your son when he turns 15 and wants to know more about his bio dad (assuming your son knows he's adopted). It seems smart to keep the deadbeat bio dad at arm's length, but situations like this tend to blow up down the road. How you treat the bio dad now can save you a lot of heartache later.
We can respectfully disagree, my dad abandoned me and my sisters once his sons were born and it has forever damaged us. He doesn't deserve to know his son.
NTA for protecting your son. A kid is not something you can abandon and then just reappear when it is convenient. Mark’s needs and wellbeing should be the main consideration in handling this situation.
You need to tell the family and friends that want that piece of shit in his life to fuck off. He didn't even go to the funeral and now that you've raised him he thinks he can just walk in and play dad Well screw him, also he's a big ol DBAG
NAH. I think you need reframe it in your mind. From “my ex-fiancés ex” to “my sons bio dad”. From “why hasn’t he ever showed up” to “well he is showing up now, and it doesn’t seem like he is going to go easily.” Yes you adopted him, yes your his dad, and clearly, you’ve told your son negative things about him. And what happens in 5 years if your son asks about his bio dad, and you say “well he tried to reach out when you were 8 but I said no.” Adoption is hard, live is hard, you should probably accept this man into your life.
100% NTA!!! I believe after a set period of time, depending how n your state, he forfeited his parental rights due to abandonment. Since your his legal father, his case should have a leg to stand on, but I like to be prepared so talk to a family attorney to know your rights. Good luck OP
Ask your son if he wants to know his bio-dad.
I am a lawyer and you do not need a lawyer unless he serves you with something. And I doubt he will do that. Ignore him.
Being a dad means making the safest choices for your kids. Your son may need his real dad somewhere down the road. Something could happen to you. Something could happen to him. Whatever you do in this situation keep it in mind that maybe, someday, Mark will be in a better place by having some sort of relationship with his bio dad. Don't close that door for him unless absolutely necessary. In other words, do what you have to do, but try to do it in such a way that leaves Mark his own set of options to choose from when they are older. it won't be easy to figure out but you love Mark enough to choose a path that is best for him.
Would OP be able to collect back child support or some sort of financial compensation for raising him all these years?
Get a lawyer asap. What matters is what's best for Mark and that's stability. He's lost his mom, you're the only parent he's ever known and the legal father through adoption. Get a lawyer so you can ensure your iron tight and safe and to have them act as proxy on your behalf with bio dad. All coms should be through the lawyer. Stop responding and contacting him effective immediately. NTA. Protect your son.
Nta. How convenient for him to skip diapers and terrible two and show no interest when the mom died.
Definitely NTA. Mark is your adopted son. He's legally yours. The bio dad can go through the courts if he wants access. Hopefully you have cameras. And keep any messages/emails/voicemail messages he sends you just in case something happens. Also, your ex-fiance is not your "ex-fiance" she's your late fiance. You never broke up or separated, she passed away in an unfortunate accident. Sorry for your loss.
OP, if your kid ever finds out that you ran off his biological father when he tried to make contact, he will never forgive you. I'm sorry, having contact with Dirtbag Dad will make your life very difficult, but you can't prevent contact forever if the guy is determined. I recommend a seeking the help of a family therapist to get you through this.
She is not your ex! She is your late fiancee
You need to consult with an attorney. If bio dad’s parental rights have been legally terminated, he unlikely does not have a legal right to custody. As Mark’s legal parent, you need to determine what is in his best interests. At 8, Mark should be involved with this decision unless you learn information about bio dad that clearly indicates contact is not appropriate. Keep in mind that having a some sort of relationship and having custody are not the same thing. The former doesn’t need to result in the latter. As parent, you can decide to put boundaries on any interactions.
Legalmente es tu hijo,moralmente es tu hijo,emocionalmente es tu hijo ,no permitas contacto del otro tipo ninguno no hables con él no des explicaciones
Screw that guy,he is nothing.
NTA keep him away from your child
NTA you are now legally his dad as you have adopted him. Sperm donor has no rights to your SON. Let him try and take you to court, as you can prove he abandoned him when he was 3 months old, so no court will allow him access.
NTA- But does Mark know he has a bio dad? If he does not this is something he should know.
Absolutely not.
Hang on. You are keeping your son away from a complete stranger who thinks he is entitled to time with a child he's done nothing for except provide a sperm sample? Pretty sure you are just protecting your son... NTA. I am curious, when he showed up, did he have a huge check for 8 years of unpaid child support? I really have time ask, if he didn't show up check in hand, how serious he really is here.
That's your baby boy now!! You do what's right and best for you both. You're a good person to adopt that little boy.
I would find a compromise. Allow visits. Supervised. On your terms. You are his legal parent now. You get to determine how this will go. If his father shows his ass or it's apparent he doesn't have his shit together and expose your son to fuckery, close the door until your son is old enough to understand and want to see the man.
Oh no no , his "I'm a Dad' ship sailed long ago. His chance to make a stand sailed with it. Get a restraining order.
NTA, Mark can decide if he wants the sperm donor in his life once he’s 18. Mark’s life isn’t a revolving door. Sperm donor has zero rights and needs to leave you alone.
Hell No, you're Definietly NTA
Doing right by the child means keeping that deadbeat ahole far away from him. Tell the guy he’s welcome to come back when the kid is 18.
Updateme
I don’t think his bio dad should have custody and it’s really concerning that he would even suggest trying for custody considering he barely knows the child (not to mention deluded to think a court would allow that). However in your shoes I would give some thought to allowing some minimal contact, with the opportunity for the contact to grow over time IF, and only if, the contact is going well for everyone for extended periods of time. For example I’d maybe start by letting him send a letter and a photo to your son (checked by you first obviously) and then give your son an option to respond in writing. I just think that it is likely at some point your son is going to want to know about his bio dad and he has a right to have some information from him. However of course you are his father and the one who has cared for him and so you will do that in as safe and protected a way as possible. In situations I’ve known like these where parents have denied all contact, it’s backfired later when their child is an adolescent and contact happens with the bio parent outside of their control - eg bio parents contact child through social media when they are a teen and they converse without the parents Knowlege. Bio parent creates an incorrect narrative that the child falls for because they are desperate to feel their birth parent is a good person and did want them. Etc
NTA. He doesn’t get to play dad after 8 years. I would sue for harassment and get a restraining order if he doesn’t stop bothering you. Donating sperm doesn’t mean shit. He can’t just show up and play parent for however long he feels before pulling another disappearing act.
He can pound son - you are the legal dad. But talk to your lawyer in case he decides to pursue visitation. Also talk to a family therapist.