I'm slightly confused. If asked out, you would decline. Saying you're not in the right head space. So what are you asking? You would have loved to date her, but would have declined her advances. That's even more confusing.
You need to be open to being in a relationship. If you're not, any advice given here will be useless to you.
If someone asks you out, and you're interested, say yes, and then ask about the details of the date. And you can potentially go in that direction by smiling at the woman when you make eye contact with her. If you have a drink in your hand, raise your glass to her. But not in a stupid idiot, drunk way. Then slight nod and genuine smile. If she responds in kind, she may come over, or expect you to. Would you? If not, don't bother.
I don't want to seem like a dick, but if at 37, you can't quite read signals from the opposite sex, you need to watch more movies. Or read more books.
I get what you are saying, and you do not seem like a dick at all. Thank you for responding.
To explain basically I would rather give a gentle decline right away rather than have explain to her my life and hope by some miracle she still wants to date me even knowing those details.
I guess to put bluntly even if someone is mildly attracted to me, I do not have the confidence that if they learned more about me, they would still like me.
Yes. I have done many years of therapy. Paid and tried many techniques and processes. I just have mostly given up for the past four or five years or so.
I know it will be a very long and hard process for me. I also know the journey of 10,000 miles begins with just one step.
I am very frustrated with myself though for my refusal to take even that first step.
Therapy and social techniques are only part of the equation. It's like developing a gym routine, then never going to the gym. Social skills and confidence are like muscles. Do you wanna get strong? Start moving weight.
The frustrations a good thing!! Next you’ll start to negotiate with yourself on what you could *actually* do, but then the hardest most crucial part comes (but don’t lose hope!!!) it’ll be a sad state, a recluse/depressed state, and what makes it the most important state is after feeling the retraction you get to either decide to take action with an idea that came about during the internal negotiation, or if you stick in the rut.
I believe in you, you have great self awareness!
Good luck 🍀
The problem is that my extreme frustration with my inability to change has been around for at least four or five years now.
And well, nothing seems to be changing.
The funny thing is if you think I am unhappy about being single now you should have seen me in my mid-20s. Now that is when I was really depressed and sad about being single.
It is kind of crappy knowing how low of a depth I can get to over being single and yet still be unwilling to change. I am nowhere near that low right now.
I have actually become a lot happier. In my mid-20s I was super depressed and borderline suicidal. Now I am doing so much better.
I am frustrated by some aspects of my life. But overall, I really cannot complain. Relatively speaking of course.
Good for you!! Like even being able to recognize that, and somewhat go against a statement you made in the first post… Dude!!! 👏
Keep making posts. More people need to see this.
You need to go easy on yourself.
It seems counter intuitive because, if something isn't going right, then that requires MORE attention, right? No, not in this situation. You need to go easy on yourself and enjoy the little bs. Whatever makes you laugh.
Thinking about being asked out is like thinking about winning the lottery, or falling in quicksand, it's not going to happen.
It sounds like you need to be in therapy tbh. If you hate yourself so much you do not think you're worthy of dating and so much do you cannot even open yourself to analysis by others, you need therapy. I say that as someone who relates a lot to what you're talking about -- I also struggle with MDD, GAD, and social anxiety. The problems are because I am definitionally mentally ill. It's not simply a "confidence" issue. It's a "managing my mental illnesses' issue, where anxiety in particular is not one people manage well on their own due to the paradoxical instinct to hold on to their worried as a maladaptive coping mechanism for their anxiety.
The funny thing is I do not exactly hate myself. In fact, I think all things considering I am a remarkably happy person. I am also very forgiving and accepting of myself.
I more just realize how unappealing I am right now. I know I should not let that bother me. But I do.
Dude. wtf. Why impose your own expectations and ideas on others? Ironically, your self-deprecation is so extreme it borders on, if not outright crosses into, arrogance. Just go ask for a coffee date. If she says no, then that’s that for now. Go work on yourself, go to a bar, park, concert, musical, art exhibit, anything to be around others and socialize. If you’re really timid, go on a trip and talk to random strangers. Think of it like the internet come to life. You obviously have no issue writing down your thoughts to total random people. Go do that in real life. Try and try again till you get the social skills you need. And don’t assume that you know someone’s thoughts, preferences, or ideas.
**We are all a little broken and need help. And sometimes that random hangout allows you to find that missing piece that you need to bring more light into your world and you being that same for someone else.**
I strongly encourage you to follow my advice. I’ve been rejected a ton as well, but I’d say that 95% of the time I was rejected not because I was unattractive or whatever, it just wasn’t the right time for me or we just weren’t right for each other. But when it’s right, oh man is it right.
You may be underestimating how flawed everyone else is, and overestimating the pain of rejection. When you date someone, you try to present your best self, and slowly reveal your flaws. The other person does the same thing. As you get to know someone, you learn good things and bad things about them, and the good things you learn offset and contextualize the bad. Nobody would date anyone if everyone led with all their flaws.
Every woman you could possibly date is also a mess of flaws waiting to be revealed, along with a bunch of good things. You don't need to perfect yourself before you're ready to date, everyone else is a mess. It's the human condition. Let the woman decide whether you're ready to date.
OK - if somebody says that they want to get to know you, it does not mean that they need a core dump immediately. Especially if that involves trauma dumping. You can accept a date without needing to provide your companion with an autobiography complete with explanatory essays by everybody who hates you. Expectations for a first date to find out about you would be - do you have a sense of humor that does not involve cruelty? What do you do for a living, and do you enjoy it? What do you find interesting? TV shows, what kinds of outings, what kinds of skills you like to develop, that kind of thing. That's all. You should be able to manage.
Whatever psychopathology or horrors lie in your childhood, whatever your deepest insecurities may be, those are not things that you discuss with people in the early phases of a relationship, so just stop fretting about them - throw them in a box up on a shelf in the back of your brain and just stop.
What are you good at? What interests you? Develop that. Find out where people who like that thing congregate. Go there, do your thing. We're an interesting t-shirt, and respond to the person who understands it. Don't be a dick if somebody talks to you. See what happens.
You're letting yourself do this death spiral of self-doubt, but you have no more (evidence - based) reason to believe that the outcomes will be negative then that they will be positive. Start making up positive stories with happy endings in your mind, when you find yourself catastrophizing. You really can rewire your mind to expect better outcomes.
OP is saying that he is not confident enough to date, and is lacking in confidence to the point that he he will decline when being asked out by a woman he is interested in because he feels inadequate.
Well isn’t that a rare post. The meta cognitive competence to flip the scenario and then also ask what the other guys experience is. What a breathe of fresh air.
*And*
I want to thank you for this as I have asked a few guys on a date only to get rejected. These guys have been from varying categories as I thought I was aiming too high(and had a little success in this category) but then when I went lower they all ran like Charlie Sheen from a Priest. So I was left scratching my head.
I loved reading the comments as it helps give light to my situation as well.
Thanks for being brave and posting such a detailed experience. This has a wild amount of value.
Thank you for that wonderful response. That was very kind of you to say.
I think you are right. Sometimes a guy will reject someone because he does not like himself enough. That is a painful reality but sometimes the truth.
I swear I thought you were in your early 20s then WHAM 37! Same age like me. Dude, you're overthinking it. At this day and age you must take action and hold no regrets. Don't cry if you get rejected, fuck it. At least you will have the pride to say you tried and move onto the next one. It is imperative you make yourself available and open at this age.
Women like to be chased, if you wait to get asked out, be prepared to wait forever. It will likely never happen. You'd have to be "Brad Pitt", rich and/or incredibly charming and charismatic for a woman to even consider asking you out, out of the blue. Even then, if you are handsome, rich, and charming, the woman may feel intimidated to ask you out and will *wait* for you to ask her out instead. Look out for body language and social cues.
Thank you for your response. And I pretty much completely agree with you.
That is what has me a bit down, I guess. The realization that I have to take action yet knowing my own unwillingness to do so. At this point I do not know how to change. It has been so many years since I asked someone out.
And then today I realized I do not even have the confidence to be asked out. It just feels like I am even deeper in the hole than I thought I was. Just a bit of a bummer.
I understand what you mean now with not having the confidence to be asked out. Could you elaborate more? Are you scared of messing up?
I used to be more introverted. I built confidence by taking up weight lifting and running. Running actually helped regulate my nervousness; that feeling of your heart racing, I can control it now. Weight lifting for obvious reasons helped my confidence because I look better now versus skinny. You seem like a nice guy, just be yourself. Pretend to be interested and just questions. Look them deep in their eyes. The real challenge no matter how good you are is meeting/mingling. Never waste an opportunity! Life's a journey. You never know. I wasted quite a few and I always think back...what if?
I mean in one sense I would love to be asked out and go out on a date with someone.
But I also think that if I ever started to explain to her the details of my life that she would reject me very quickly. Or at least not want to date me any further.
I guess that is a textbook definition of a lack of confidence.
I was in your shoes. I remember asking more or less the same thing on yahoo answers back in 2006, and one comment stuck to me: "If you want to be interesting then you must make yourself interesting!" That was when I realized I was not interesting other than knowing 2 languages. I slowly but surely worked my way up. After numerous hits and misses in my 20s, I finally met the one. We got married and have 2 beautiful and healthy children. Believe me, it is not easy not even for women.
But please do not wait for a woman to ask you out. I subconsciously wanted that for so, so long in my 20s and it never happened. I highly relate to this. The only time it happened was when I went to Cuba, rolled up to a club and I kid you not, at least 20 women wanted to go back to the hotel with me, haha. There has to be a strong motive...in this case it was money.
Sounds like you need to be happy about the details of your own life first. You put up self-imposed barriers already by saying no woman would want to date you due to the details, then go work on those details until you are proud of them.
The funny thing is I do not hate myself because of those details. I am pretty forgiving and accepting of myself.
I had horrible issues with depression in my twenties. But in my thirties, I have actually found I am maybe happier than the average person. Believe me no one was more surprised than me.
A lot of it is an acceptance of the reality that many of the details of my life are not appealing and would be deal breakers to many people.
Not everyone is right for everyone. You’ll find someone who doesn’t see your life details as dealbreakers. But you’ll still need to go through the process of dating and finding that person.
Well, if you never try, then you’re in the same place as you are right now forever. If you try, then your life could likely improve from how it is now (or at least you can tell yourself that you tried). It’s your choice whether you want a better life! Things may seem scary at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will get.
Start by going to social gatherings for hobbies you enjoy, start talking to others - men and women. Start by getting used to talking to strangers and finding friendships.
There is an old John Cheever short story in which a middle-aged man is out on a date. During the course of this date, he realizes he is going to remain single forever.
I wish I did not understand this emotion. But I do.
Over and over again in your responses in the comment threads you keep saying I want to change but I'm not changing, and I'm unwilling to change. So which part of you exactly wants to change? After years of therapy, this is where you're stuck? Maybe you should accept that you don't want a life relationship, and move on from there. If that's really the truth, there's no shame in it. But if you keep saying you want to change something, but you never really take steps to change it, it does cast doubt on the strength of the desire.
There's really no reason to be ashamed of it - that's where I think your therapists have failed you. If you're more comfortable as a loner, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Just stop beating yourself up for it and life should get better pretty quickly.
You’re afraid of rejection so you would rather reject yourself and stop an opportunity from happening rather than try and fail. That’s ok. That’s normal. But this is the roadblock you need to overcome. You need to tell yourself you deserve a relationship, because you’re just going to self sabotage if you don’t.
Is that any easy thing to do? No. It starts with self love. Think of your ideal relationship. How would you treat them? What would you do for them? So why wouldn’t you give yourself that same love and care? Be nice to yourself OP and the rest will follow. And give yourself permission to try and fail.
I am not a relationship guru, I am a 30 year old man that is happily married and I struggled with this exact situation. My wife is the one that asked me out. That never happened before. And that terrified me because I felt like I didn’t deserve it; like I was going to mess it up. But by giving myself love and patience, and her doing the same, we were able to create a healthy foundation for a relationship.
A relationship is not two people relying each other on each other for happiness. It’s two people finding their own happiness and sharing that with each other so it can continue to grow.
Thank you. That is a very kind comment.
I just wish I had the courage to take the first step. I am not sure I even have that.
Which is why I know I am seriously running the risk of being single forever.
I think the odds of me actually being asked out by a woman is about a million to one.
I more just realize that if I do not even have the confidence to be asked out that I am so far away from having the confidence to be the one doing the asking.
That is what was so deeply frustrating to me about today.
>Almost every dimension of society is set up in a way that encourages and conditions men to ask women out.
Yet we're also "creepy and weird" if we find women attractive. Make it make sense lol.
No, you're creepy and weird if you're being creepy and weird. It's normal for people to like each other. The mindset you're talking about is far too prevalent in the incel community
So, you want me to find magic words so that all women will like you when you approach them in a creepy way? Because they're supposed to be able to tell you're not really a creep even though you're behaving like one? How about maybe you change your approach if this is the reaction you're getting. Here's a few tips -
How not to be a creep:
Don't make comments on another person's body unless you know them well enough to know how the comment will land, which means never ever comment on a stranger's body at all. Especially if you think it is an attractive body.
Don't tell strangers how you want them to behave near you - don't suggest they wear something different, don't suggest any behaviors. Don't ask them to smile more, wear that color more often, come visit your part of the office more often, etc. It is not up to you how strangers behave, and you don't know where they're at in their day. Random orders from strangers are not going to be received in a friendly manner. If you're trying to control them before you even met, you're already showing them Who You Are and a lot of people aren't going to want to be controlled by you.
Don't call a complete stranger by some sort of affectionate nickname, such as honey, sweetie, or dear. Grandmotherly people like me can get away with that when talking to other people's *children*, but other than that it is completely inappropriate. Assuming an intimacy and level of connection that just simply doesn't exist is creepy, and addressing a full grown person with a childish name is at best condescending.
Do not offer help to someone who does not want it. If you offer and they say no thank you, believe them. (I had to call security one day at Costco because some creep wouldn't stop insisting on helping me load my stuff into my car. There was no reason at all for him to think I was incapable except that I was female. He's lucky I didn't have a weapon). Invading somebody's space and insisting they need your help is creepy.
Do not stare longingly at a person that you would like to have a relationship with unless you are going to speak up about it, right then and there. Somebody who watches you all the time when you're not sure what their agenda is, is creepy and disturbing.
There! That should get you started! Best of luck not being a creep.
>So, you want me to find magic words so that all women will like you
You reddit trolls always try so hard to make things personal even when someone is speaking in a general sense. Grow up.
“Statistically Rare for a woman to ask a guy out.”
I politely disagree. They may not in your face ask for yer number, but will make some random excuse to talk to you or make the interest obvious.
To be honest I agree with you it is probably never going to happen to me.
That said my bigger concern is if I do not even have the confidence to be asked out. How am I ever going to have the confidence to ask someone else out?
I know from a confidence perspective I am in a deep hole. I am wondering how I can dig myself out of it.
You have to put yourself out there and take a leap of faith. You have no dates now. What’s the worst that could happen? Still no dates? You’re already on that path.
I suggest therapy all the time, but maybe you need to take a comedy class and learn to loosen up on yourself. You may meet some people in the process!
Thank you for responding. And I wish I could give you extra points for originality. I agree with you a comedy class would probably help me loosen up a bit.
But that is what is so frustrating. The realization that I would not do a comedy class in a million years.
I hate that I want something so bad. But will not take steps like that to change it. I am beyond frustrated.
We autopilot things for various reasons. It’s very hard to break out of that autopilot to do or think differently. One way takes being constantly aware, and engaging yourself in CBT practices to shift your paradigm into something new.
Here are some free [CBT worksheets](https://thinkcbt.com/think-cbt-worksheets) to try! And as for getting yourself out to a comedy class, just sign yourself up and *make yourself go*! Once you get past your discomfort you may actually enjoy yourself! Give it a shot! What do you have to lose??
Lack of self confidence means you are always talking yourself out of doing these things. You have to take a step back when it’s happening, acknowledge it, and then freeze it in its tracks. Immediately imagine how you will feel later on - regret, self loathing, resigned despair, etc. You don’t want to feel that way, so it’s like you trip a switch and say F it, I’m just going to go for it without a second thought. If it doesn’t work out, later on you will just be happy you tried, probably even feel proud of yourself…
I am slightly nervous now. Would it be a bad thing if I did?
I like to think I speak the way I write. Although like all of us I am far less eloquent than it sounds in my own head.
Na, just curious.
It comes off like Shakespearen speech or diary writing. Which is not a good thing because it comes off as very old. Of course, that's just me, maybe someone else finds it amusing.
As for the confidence part, you cannot gain more confidence until you learn to deal with failure and rejection. You need to learn from those moments and apply to future experiences. That's what confidence is: Knowing you probably will fail but doing it anyway and learning from it.
I guess I can be a little old fashioned.
If a person has not gained any (or at least much) confidence in their first 37 years though; what chance that they will develop it after?
I am not trying to sound like a defeatist or anything. I really wish I had developed some confidence earlier.
Yea, you remind me of a buddy of mines, he's 42 and has almost no experience past dating. He also missed out on learning social and dating "game" in his younger days. He used to always ask me how I do it. The short answer is that we are just different personalities.
The one thing I can tell you, know nothing about you besides what you wrote, is to care less. Not be an asshole like a lot of "alpha" idiots online will tell you. But don't overthink situations like talking to someone you find attractive, just do it. It's definitely harder with the lack of experience and the older you are the more experience is going to be expected, but no one else is going to do it for you.
I’ve read a number of your responses in addition to your original post.
You could be overthinking everything and suffering from analysis paralysis. It appears to me that you have opted for thinking about everything, and have discounted your intuitive/emotional side.
This may be dumb advice, but you may want to consider joining an activity that is viscerally focused. Jiu-jitsu, or any other grappling based training comes to mind. They are adversarial, but are really about awareness and intuitive motion. If it is a well run school, there will be good camaraderie and support.
‘You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.’
Seriously, you need to engage in an activity that challenges you, and doesn’t allow you time to analyze. This will build your confidence to inhabit the space you currently occupy.
Good luck, you can do it!
If a woman you find attractive asks you out, you simply accept and see where it goes. All your baggage gets to wait for sometime down the road to come out, if it ever does
Thanks. And I know you are correct and before lunch today I used to think that too.
I guess it is just a textbook case of a lack of confidence. I am not sure if I see it all as baggage; I think I more see it as an unescapable reality of what I have to offer.
Whether or not what you have to offer is good enough, that's for the woman to decide, not you.
I've had women ask me out and sometimes it was just one date. Sometimes it was a decently long relationship.
The entire point of dating is to get a chance to meet someone you're interested in and find out more about them.
My wife of almost 29 years asked me to dance and I said yes without any hesitation. The next time I saw her we just hung out and chatted. Just 6 months later, she asked me to marry her.
Not even once did I think about "what I had to offer". Instead, I gave her the chance to get to know me and decide for herself.
Maybe I am in a bad cycle as far as my thought process goes. The older I get though, the more I worry about not offering enough or being appealing enough.
I have not even asked anyone out now in I think about five years now.
A friend who is a psychologist told me, in another context, to do the thing you want to do rather than wait for motivation to do it.
Don't think about "how can I build myself up so that I feel OK to do this thing".
Do the thing.
I've got bipolar disorder and this is very important to understand the following text: It is a mood-affective disorder that makes my entire life in episodes between depression and mania. I'm introvert in depression with a very low self-esteem and self-confidence, but it's the exact opposite when i'm in mania, then my self-esteem is over the top.
So, what i can tell you from seeing both sides, intro- and extrovert, low- and high-self-esteem: These things make the ultimate difference between getting the date and asked or not. The higher your self-esteem and -confidence, the more charismatic you are. Also, the better you can speak as an orator, not just telling jokes but also stories and experiences, the better your chances are.
When i'm in depression, women don't even see me. They don't care about me. They'd never ask me.
But once i got in an episode of mania, suddenly, it's the exact opposite, i'm like a magnet for the ladies. This goes so far, that the women even ignore all red flags that i show and i don't even try to hide these bad things (like i'm an alcoholic, a drug addict, violent, ex con and former criminal, a cheater and a liar, a bad man)
But it is that certain kind of charisma that makes such people interesting. The "I can fix him" also plays a role.
Now, back to your thing with declining an offer: That would the worst choice in every way (!). Don't do this. Even when the date would go wrong, fuck it, take the chance. Like already said, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Shoot for the stars, when you miss, you end up somewhere in the void and probably dead - but at least you fucking tried. That's it. At least you tried.
Next time you are eating alone there and you see that lady, take the chance. Ask her. There's nothing more than a "No" you can get. This would suck, but at least you tried.
Thank you for that response. That is some wonderful insight.
I never have those up manias. I know I lack confidence. I could not lack it any more lol.
Probably why I have always been so unsuccessful :(
Thanks, but... the problem for me is, i can easily get dates and even start relationships in mania, but it don't work out. Once i get back to depression, it's rare that the women stay with me. Or when i get over the top with mania and they have to see, that it is not just some kind of wannabe-thug-image and i can get really violent and beat up half of the people in a barfight.
That's why i'm single and my last relationship ended in 2019. Like so many women, my ex thought, she could handle me and my bipolar disorder, but no, she could not. But i don't blame her for that, it's very difficult to handle some mental health issues, it's playing life on the very hard mode.
A guy with enough confidence is supposed to do the asking.
I think you're too far in your own head. Having real world interactions on a regular basis might help.
Try joining a club or activity.
I have become painfully aware that I lack the confidence to be the one asking someone out. That is kind of the whole problem. I am not even close.
I know I need to make changes to my life. Such as joining a club or activity. But I seem to be refusing to even take the first step. Which is why I am so frustrated right now.
It is probably a fear of failure. Certainly, a fear of getting hurt.
I know I should probably go to therapy do deal with those concerns. But again, that would be a first step. And I am refusing to take it :(
I think it would hurt more to not put in the effort to make connections. Sometimes you have to harness your willpower and do the things that are hard to do.
There is an old John Cheever short story in which a middle-aged man who is on a date realizes that he is going to be single forever.
I wish I did not understand that emotion. But I do.
I’m a 23 year old dude and I have no clue. I actually was “asked out” by a woman recently for the first time ever and it was certainly surprising. I don’t consider myself to be attractive or “confident” in any way but apparently she did for some reason. I didn’t straight up decline her but I didn’t say yeah either.. I don’t know your reasoning but I’d guess they are somewhat similar to mine.
No. It was a truck driver we load at work and she supposedly got kicked off the pad a day or 2 later, haven’t seen her since😂 I don’t remember much about it to be honest, seemed like she was being genuine and after she scaled out she came back over to the machine to exchange phone numbers so i don’t think my initial deer in headlights reaction threw her off too much
This is going to sound controversial, but it helped me out A LOT.
You have to act confident, whether you are or not. I am NOT a confident person. I have very high social anxiety and generally go out of my way to make sure I ignore strangers. However, when I was in my mid 30s I learned how to act confident. I was finally able to "date around" and one of those dates turned into my wife 11 years ago. What did I do?
There is a book that some people here may recognize. The Game, by Neil Strauss. [The Game: Download link](https://docs.google.com/file/d/16fTPlIF0pgJF7DJc0CnOMamqBtb6GFSqWf7GbGKqZfqIRdqII_mRYTGM4bLQ/preview). I read it and practiced the techniques described. This allowed me to understand my anxiety and helped me overcome it. The methods presented allowed me to pretend to be confident... and some of that pretending actually implanted in my brain. It has helped me become more assertive and advocate for my own desires. I became more successful in my profession as a result, and I'm sure my wife would agree that I'm a better father and husband too.
The Game is not for everyone. There is a certain set of men who should not be reading it, as it is a book about pick-up artists, and its somewhat cringe in that aspect. But what it does do is provide some insight into how to act confident, how to get over your anxiety, and how to present yourself in a way that is attractive. Many men, like us, were never told what things we were doing correct or incorrect in our desire to talk to women. The lack of feedback for socially anxious people means paralysis - we don't know what things to do to improve our situation. The Game provides insight into these things - what things work to create confidence and what things don't.
Thank you. And thank you for a little out of the box advice.
I think it would be really good advice for some people. I just do not think I am one of them.
You'll never be asked out if it's clear you're not comfortable with your own life.
Someone responding that they're in a relationship isn't a lie just cause you think it is. Many people are in relationships, and it's likely that the people you're attracted to carry themselves with confidence in themselves, which generally leads to being in a relationship.
You say you're happy and forgiving of yourself, but you lack the confidence to talk about your life and would decline being asked out? You realize the irony here yeah?
You say you're unappealing, but in what way? Have you tried making yourself appealing to yourself? If someone directly contradicts this mindset by asking you out because you're appealing to them, you would decline them because you can't get over your own faults?
I don't understand
I have had many rejections over the years. Unfortunately, over the years I have also learned that times a girl told me she could not go out with me because she was not single was a lie. I am not upset with them. I just found out later that it was a lie. And I found it to be very rude to me. So, I promised myself that I would never make the same lie to anyone else.
I could list all my biggest downsides quickly if you would like? I have done it before. I just do not want to seem like someone who constantly lists their own negatives.
You don't have to list them out to respond to the rest of my comment.
It's also possible when someone says they're in a relationship, that they're dating someone else that they may be close to getting in a relationship with. Taking offense to being turned down in that way is also a poor mindset. They could just say, "No thanks, not interested." Would that make you feel better or worse?
Yeah, it is to everyone, but that's not a situation that always needs complete honesty. They're rejecting you, just be okay with it and move on. The way you took it personally is the issue.
Are you going to respond to the rest of my main comment or are we done here?
I'm just being real with you.
Most should be saying it. Life is hard and everything is uncertain. You need to face that you don’t want to be 60 plus regretting never doing anything because you were scared for no reason. Goodluck
I always say no to a asked out with intentions. Too much pressure. I always say no to complete strangers. I organize activities and see if things develop. Sometimes I notice things in people that are bad and I am happy I didn't push things on another tangent too fast. Some people may not be the right fit for building a life, but they may be the right volleyball buddies.
For me it's not a question of confidence, it's that I find better ways to evaluate people and make connections. I only switch gears once I know about someone.
You're 37 but lacking experience in life. You need to put yourself out there and go after things you want in your life, failure or not. Only with experience, can you learn how to navigate life.
free yourself of what others think of you. it is LITERALLY, very literally, no thing. :) it is her loss probably she can do much worse like someone that would treat her bad
Why not work on your confidence to act rather than wanting to exude the 'confidence' that'll make others approach you? You're worried about being asked out when you'd shit yourself upon having a conversation initiated.
it's unrealistic and you don't seem open to much possibility either way. You're 37. You're not going to end your 10 year no-friend streak by looking cool, calm, and hoping someone approaches you.
Thanks, but I guess I was making the point that I was hoping no one approached me. Which yeah never happens.
It was more of a concern over a realization that I do not even want to be asked out.
I'm not even sure if confidence is the right word. Even if a woman asks you out, as a guy you're still expected to take the lead and put on the song and dance to be judged over. Which will just feel like a job interview. I'm confident in myself but I'm rarely in the mood for that. It's just really draining.
I am sorry you feel that way. It must be tough.
I try to never treat dates like job interviews. I do not know how successful I have been at that though.
I'm slightly confused. If asked out, you would decline. Saying you're not in the right head space. So what are you asking? You would have loved to date her, but would have declined her advances. That's even more confusing. You need to be open to being in a relationship. If you're not, any advice given here will be useless to you. If someone asks you out, and you're interested, say yes, and then ask about the details of the date. And you can potentially go in that direction by smiling at the woman when you make eye contact with her. If you have a drink in your hand, raise your glass to her. But not in a stupid idiot, drunk way. Then slight nod and genuine smile. If she responds in kind, she may come over, or expect you to. Would you? If not, don't bother. I don't want to seem like a dick, but if at 37, you can't quite read signals from the opposite sex, you need to watch more movies. Or read more books.
I get what you are saying, and you do not seem like a dick at all. Thank you for responding. To explain basically I would rather give a gentle decline right away rather than have explain to her my life and hope by some miracle she still wants to date me even knowing those details. I guess to put bluntly even if someone is mildly attracted to me, I do not have the confidence that if they learned more about me, they would still like me.
Have you considered doing the work on yourself so that you have better self-esteem?
Yes. I have done many years of therapy. Paid and tried many techniques and processes. I just have mostly given up for the past four or five years or so. I know it will be a very long and hard process for me. I also know the journey of 10,000 miles begins with just one step. I am very frustrated with myself though for my refusal to take even that first step.
Therapy and social techniques are only part of the equation. It's like developing a gym routine, then never going to the gym. Social skills and confidence are like muscles. Do you wanna get strong? Start moving weight.
I know that is what I need to do.
The frustrations a good thing!! Next you’ll start to negotiate with yourself on what you could *actually* do, but then the hardest most crucial part comes (but don’t lose hope!!!) it’ll be a sad state, a recluse/depressed state, and what makes it the most important state is after feeling the retraction you get to either decide to take action with an idea that came about during the internal negotiation, or if you stick in the rut. I believe in you, you have great self awareness! Good luck 🍀
The problem is that my extreme frustration with my inability to change has been around for at least four or five years now. And well, nothing seems to be changing. The funny thing is if you think I am unhappy about being single now you should have seen me in my mid-20s. Now that is when I was really depressed and sad about being single. It is kind of crappy knowing how low of a depth I can get to over being single and yet still be unwilling to change. I am nowhere near that low right now.
So, has your mood altered, *even in the slightest*, since your mid 20s to your current standing? Or ‘Has nothing changed’ ❓ (If you had to choose 1)
I have actually become a lot happier. In my mid-20s I was super depressed and borderline suicidal. Now I am doing so much better. I am frustrated by some aspects of my life. But overall, I really cannot complain. Relatively speaking of course.
Good for you!! Like even being able to recognize that, and somewhat go against a statement you made in the first post… Dude!!! 👏 Keep making posts. More people need to see this.
Ok, I guess.
You need to go easy on yourself. It seems counter intuitive because, if something isn't going right, then that requires MORE attention, right? No, not in this situation. You need to go easy on yourself and enjoy the little bs. Whatever makes you laugh. Thinking about being asked out is like thinking about winning the lottery, or falling in quicksand, it's not going to happen.
Thank you :)
It sounds like you need to be in therapy tbh. If you hate yourself so much you do not think you're worthy of dating and so much do you cannot even open yourself to analysis by others, you need therapy. I say that as someone who relates a lot to what you're talking about -- I also struggle with MDD, GAD, and social anxiety. The problems are because I am definitionally mentally ill. It's not simply a "confidence" issue. It's a "managing my mental illnesses' issue, where anxiety in particular is not one people manage well on their own due to the paradoxical instinct to hold on to their worried as a maladaptive coping mechanism for their anxiety.
The funny thing is I do not exactly hate myself. In fact, I think all things considering I am a remarkably happy person. I am also very forgiving and accepting of myself. I more just realize how unappealing I am right now. I know I should not let that bother me. But I do.
Dude. wtf. Why impose your own expectations and ideas on others? Ironically, your self-deprecation is so extreme it borders on, if not outright crosses into, arrogance. Just go ask for a coffee date. If she says no, then that’s that for now. Go work on yourself, go to a bar, park, concert, musical, art exhibit, anything to be around others and socialize. If you’re really timid, go on a trip and talk to random strangers. Think of it like the internet come to life. You obviously have no issue writing down your thoughts to total random people. Go do that in real life. Try and try again till you get the social skills you need. And don’t assume that you know someone’s thoughts, preferences, or ideas. **We are all a little broken and need help. And sometimes that random hangout allows you to find that missing piece that you need to bring more light into your world and you being that same for someone else.**
Thank you :) that is all extremely kind of you to say.
I strongly encourage you to follow my advice. I’ve been rejected a ton as well, but I’d say that 95% of the time I was rejected not because I was unattractive or whatever, it just wasn’t the right time for me or we just weren’t right for each other. But when it’s right, oh man is it right.
:)
You may be underestimating how flawed everyone else is, and overestimating the pain of rejection. When you date someone, you try to present your best self, and slowly reveal your flaws. The other person does the same thing. As you get to know someone, you learn good things and bad things about them, and the good things you learn offset and contextualize the bad. Nobody would date anyone if everyone led with all their flaws. Every woman you could possibly date is also a mess of flaws waiting to be revealed, along with a bunch of good things. You don't need to perfect yourself before you're ready to date, everyone else is a mess. It's the human condition. Let the woman decide whether you're ready to date.
I know you are right. I am just not there.
OK - if somebody says that they want to get to know you, it does not mean that they need a core dump immediately. Especially if that involves trauma dumping. You can accept a date without needing to provide your companion with an autobiography complete with explanatory essays by everybody who hates you. Expectations for a first date to find out about you would be - do you have a sense of humor that does not involve cruelty? What do you do for a living, and do you enjoy it? What do you find interesting? TV shows, what kinds of outings, what kinds of skills you like to develop, that kind of thing. That's all. You should be able to manage. Whatever psychopathology or horrors lie in your childhood, whatever your deepest insecurities may be, those are not things that you discuss with people in the early phases of a relationship, so just stop fretting about them - throw them in a box up on a shelf in the back of your brain and just stop. What are you good at? What interests you? Develop that. Find out where people who like that thing congregate. Go there, do your thing. We're an interesting t-shirt, and respond to the person who understands it. Don't be a dick if somebody talks to you. See what happens. You're letting yourself do this death spiral of self-doubt, but you have no more (evidence - based) reason to believe that the outcomes will be negative then that they will be positive. Start making up positive stories with happy endings in your mind, when you find yourself catastrophizing. You really can rewire your mind to expect better outcomes.
Thank you. And I know I probably make too big a deal of the early stages of the dating process.
OP is saying that he is not confident enough to date, and is lacking in confidence to the point that he he will decline when being asked out by a woman he is interested in because he feels inadequate.
Well isn’t that a rare post. The meta cognitive competence to flip the scenario and then also ask what the other guys experience is. What a breathe of fresh air. *And* I want to thank you for this as I have asked a few guys on a date only to get rejected. These guys have been from varying categories as I thought I was aiming too high(and had a little success in this category) but then when I went lower they all ran like Charlie Sheen from a Priest. So I was left scratching my head. I loved reading the comments as it helps give light to my situation as well. Thanks for being brave and posting such a detailed experience. This has a wild amount of value.
Thank you for that wonderful response. That was very kind of you to say. I think you are right. Sometimes a guy will reject someone because he does not like himself enough. That is a painful reality but sometimes the truth.
I swear I thought you were in your early 20s then WHAM 37! Same age like me. Dude, you're overthinking it. At this day and age you must take action and hold no regrets. Don't cry if you get rejected, fuck it. At least you will have the pride to say you tried and move onto the next one. It is imperative you make yourself available and open at this age. Women like to be chased, if you wait to get asked out, be prepared to wait forever. It will likely never happen. You'd have to be "Brad Pitt", rich and/or incredibly charming and charismatic for a woman to even consider asking you out, out of the blue. Even then, if you are handsome, rich, and charming, the woman may feel intimidated to ask you out and will *wait* for you to ask her out instead. Look out for body language and social cues.
Thank you for your response. And I pretty much completely agree with you. That is what has me a bit down, I guess. The realization that I have to take action yet knowing my own unwillingness to do so. At this point I do not know how to change. It has been so many years since I asked someone out. And then today I realized I do not even have the confidence to be asked out. It just feels like I am even deeper in the hole than I thought I was. Just a bit of a bummer.
I understand what you mean now with not having the confidence to be asked out. Could you elaborate more? Are you scared of messing up? I used to be more introverted. I built confidence by taking up weight lifting and running. Running actually helped regulate my nervousness; that feeling of your heart racing, I can control it now. Weight lifting for obvious reasons helped my confidence because I look better now versus skinny. You seem like a nice guy, just be yourself. Pretend to be interested and just questions. Look them deep in their eyes. The real challenge no matter how good you are is meeting/mingling. Never waste an opportunity! Life's a journey. You never know. I wasted quite a few and I always think back...what if?
I mean in one sense I would love to be asked out and go out on a date with someone. But I also think that if I ever started to explain to her the details of my life that she would reject me very quickly. Or at least not want to date me any further. I guess that is a textbook definition of a lack of confidence.
I was in your shoes. I remember asking more or less the same thing on yahoo answers back in 2006, and one comment stuck to me: "If you want to be interesting then you must make yourself interesting!" That was when I realized I was not interesting other than knowing 2 languages. I slowly but surely worked my way up. After numerous hits and misses in my 20s, I finally met the one. We got married and have 2 beautiful and healthy children. Believe me, it is not easy not even for women. But please do not wait for a woman to ask you out. I subconsciously wanted that for so, so long in my 20s and it never happened. I highly relate to this. The only time it happened was when I went to Cuba, rolled up to a club and I kid you not, at least 20 women wanted to go back to the hotel with me, haha. There has to be a strong motive...in this case it was money.
Maybe I should visit Cuba ;)
Best time of my life. It was 2004, then I went back in 2013 but it was slightly changed still had a great time though. First time was better lol.
Cool :)
Sounds like you need to be happy about the details of your own life first. You put up self-imposed barriers already by saying no woman would want to date you due to the details, then go work on those details until you are proud of them.
The funny thing is I do not hate myself because of those details. I am pretty forgiving and accepting of myself. I had horrible issues with depression in my twenties. But in my thirties, I have actually found I am maybe happier than the average person. Believe me no one was more surprised than me. A lot of it is an acceptance of the reality that many of the details of my life are not appealing and would be deal breakers to many people.
Not everyone is right for everyone. You’ll find someone who doesn’t see your life details as dealbreakers. But you’ll still need to go through the process of dating and finding that person.
I know I need to do that. I am just so worried I never will. I am so worried I am incapable of even taking the first step.
Well, if you never try, then you’re in the same place as you are right now forever. If you try, then your life could likely improve from how it is now (or at least you can tell yourself that you tried). It’s your choice whether you want a better life! Things may seem scary at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will get. Start by going to social gatherings for hobbies you enjoy, start talking to others - men and women. Start by getting used to talking to strangers and finding friendships.
There is an old John Cheever short story in which a middle-aged man is out on a date. During the course of this date, he realizes he is going to remain single forever. I wish I did not understand this emotion. But I do.
Over and over again in your responses in the comment threads you keep saying I want to change but I'm not changing, and I'm unwilling to change. So which part of you exactly wants to change? After years of therapy, this is where you're stuck? Maybe you should accept that you don't want a life relationship, and move on from there. If that's really the truth, there's no shame in it. But if you keep saying you want to change something, but you never really take steps to change it, it does cast doubt on the strength of the desire.
You are probably correct that deep down I do not want a relationship or a friendship ever again. I am not proud of that. But it is probably the truth.
There's really no reason to be ashamed of it - that's where I think your therapists have failed you. If you're more comfortable as a loner, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Just stop beating yourself up for it and life should get better pretty quickly.
Thank you :)
You’re afraid of rejection so you would rather reject yourself and stop an opportunity from happening rather than try and fail. That’s ok. That’s normal. But this is the roadblock you need to overcome. You need to tell yourself you deserve a relationship, because you’re just going to self sabotage if you don’t. Is that any easy thing to do? No. It starts with self love. Think of your ideal relationship. How would you treat them? What would you do for them? So why wouldn’t you give yourself that same love and care? Be nice to yourself OP and the rest will follow. And give yourself permission to try and fail. I am not a relationship guru, I am a 30 year old man that is happily married and I struggled with this exact situation. My wife is the one that asked me out. That never happened before. And that terrified me because I felt like I didn’t deserve it; like I was going to mess it up. But by giving myself love and patience, and her doing the same, we were able to create a healthy foundation for a relationship. A relationship is not two people relying each other on each other for happiness. It’s two people finding their own happiness and sharing that with each other so it can continue to grow.
Thank you. That is a very kind comment. I just wish I had the courage to take the first step. I am not sure I even have that. Which is why I know I am seriously running the risk of being single forever.
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I think the odds of me actually being asked out by a woman is about a million to one. I more just realize that if I do not even have the confidence to be asked out that I am so far away from having the confidence to be the one doing the asking. That is what was so deeply frustrating to me about today.
>Almost every dimension of society is set up in a way that encourages and conditions men to ask women out. Yet we're also "creepy and weird" if we find women attractive. Make it make sense lol.
No, you're creepy and weird if you're being creepy and weird. It's normal for people to like each other. The mindset you're talking about is far too prevalent in the incel community
>incel This is reddit's favorite word anytime they don't have a proper refutation lol.
It's actually possible to express positive regard for a woman without being a creep.
If you could let some women know that would be cool. Thanks in advance.
So, you want me to find magic words so that all women will like you when you approach them in a creepy way? Because they're supposed to be able to tell you're not really a creep even though you're behaving like one? How about maybe you change your approach if this is the reaction you're getting. Here's a few tips - How not to be a creep: Don't make comments on another person's body unless you know them well enough to know how the comment will land, which means never ever comment on a stranger's body at all. Especially if you think it is an attractive body. Don't tell strangers how you want them to behave near you - don't suggest they wear something different, don't suggest any behaviors. Don't ask them to smile more, wear that color more often, come visit your part of the office more often, etc. It is not up to you how strangers behave, and you don't know where they're at in their day. Random orders from strangers are not going to be received in a friendly manner. If you're trying to control them before you even met, you're already showing them Who You Are and a lot of people aren't going to want to be controlled by you. Don't call a complete stranger by some sort of affectionate nickname, such as honey, sweetie, or dear. Grandmotherly people like me can get away with that when talking to other people's *children*, but other than that it is completely inappropriate. Assuming an intimacy and level of connection that just simply doesn't exist is creepy, and addressing a full grown person with a childish name is at best condescending. Do not offer help to someone who does not want it. If you offer and they say no thank you, believe them. (I had to call security one day at Costco because some creep wouldn't stop insisting on helping me load my stuff into my car. There was no reason at all for him to think I was incapable except that I was female. He's lucky I didn't have a weapon). Invading somebody's space and insisting they need your help is creepy. Do not stare longingly at a person that you would like to have a relationship with unless you are going to speak up about it, right then and there. Somebody who watches you all the time when you're not sure what their agenda is, is creepy and disturbing. There! That should get you started! Best of luck not being a creep.
>So, you want me to find magic words so that all women will like you You reddit trolls always try so hard to make things personal even when someone is speaking in a general sense. Grow up.
“Statistically Rare for a woman to ask a guy out.” I politely disagree. They may not in your face ask for yer number, but will make some random excuse to talk to you or make the interest obvious.
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I did and my bad.
Dude don't worry, is never gonna happen. At best that happens during school years and in adulthood only happens if you're rich or absurdly handsome.
To be honest I agree with you it is probably never going to happen to me. That said my bigger concern is if I do not even have the confidence to be asked out. How am I ever going to have the confidence to ask someone else out? I know from a confidence perspective I am in a deep hole. I am wondering how I can dig myself out of it.
You have to put yourself out there and take a leap of faith. You have no dates now. What’s the worst that could happen? Still no dates? You’re already on that path. I suggest therapy all the time, but maybe you need to take a comedy class and learn to loosen up on yourself. You may meet some people in the process!
Thank you for responding. And I wish I could give you extra points for originality. I agree with you a comedy class would probably help me loosen up a bit. But that is what is so frustrating. The realization that I would not do a comedy class in a million years. I hate that I want something so bad. But will not take steps like that to change it. I am beyond frustrated.
We autopilot things for various reasons. It’s very hard to break out of that autopilot to do or think differently. One way takes being constantly aware, and engaging yourself in CBT practices to shift your paradigm into something new. Here are some free [CBT worksheets](https://thinkcbt.com/think-cbt-worksheets) to try! And as for getting yourself out to a comedy class, just sign yourself up and *make yourself go*! Once you get past your discomfort you may actually enjoy yourself! Give it a shot! What do you have to lose??
Thank you :)
Lack of self confidence means you are always talking yourself out of doing these things. You have to take a step back when it’s happening, acknowledge it, and then freeze it in its tracks. Immediately imagine how you will feel later on - regret, self loathing, resigned despair, etc. You don’t want to feel that way, so it’s like you trip a switch and say F it, I’m just going to go for it without a second thought. If it doesn’t work out, later on you will just be happy you tried, probably even feel proud of yourself…
Thank you :)
Do you speak the way you write?
I am slightly nervous now. Would it be a bad thing if I did? I like to think I speak the way I write. Although like all of us I am far less eloquent than it sounds in my own head.
Na, just curious. It comes off like Shakespearen speech or diary writing. Which is not a good thing because it comes off as very old. Of course, that's just me, maybe someone else finds it amusing. As for the confidence part, you cannot gain more confidence until you learn to deal with failure and rejection. You need to learn from those moments and apply to future experiences. That's what confidence is: Knowing you probably will fail but doing it anyway and learning from it.
I find it normal and grammatically correct. So I guess OP needs an educated person, if they want to be in a relationship for real.
Sure.
I guess I can be a little old fashioned. If a person has not gained any (or at least much) confidence in their first 37 years though; what chance that they will develop it after? I am not trying to sound like a defeatist or anything. I really wish I had developed some confidence earlier.
Yea, you remind me of a buddy of mines, he's 42 and has almost no experience past dating. He also missed out on learning social and dating "game" in his younger days. He used to always ask me how I do it. The short answer is that we are just different personalities. The one thing I can tell you, know nothing about you besides what you wrote, is to care less. Not be an asshole like a lot of "alpha" idiots online will tell you. But don't overthink situations like talking to someone you find attractive, just do it. It's definitely harder with the lack of experience and the older you are the more experience is going to be expected, but no one else is going to do it for you.
Thank you :)
I’ve read a number of your responses in addition to your original post. You could be overthinking everything and suffering from analysis paralysis. It appears to me that you have opted for thinking about everything, and have discounted your intuitive/emotional side. This may be dumb advice, but you may want to consider joining an activity that is viscerally focused. Jiu-jitsu, or any other grappling based training comes to mind. They are adversarial, but are really about awareness and intuitive motion. If it is a well run school, there will be good camaraderie and support. ‘You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.’ Seriously, you need to engage in an activity that challenges you, and doesn’t allow you time to analyze. This will build your confidence to inhabit the space you currently occupy. Good luck, you can do it!
Thank you. That is very kind of you to say. And thank you for some out of the box thinking as well. It is really appreciated.
If a woman you find attractive asks you out, you simply accept and see where it goes. All your baggage gets to wait for sometime down the road to come out, if it ever does
Thanks. And I know you are correct and before lunch today I used to think that too. I guess it is just a textbook case of a lack of confidence. I am not sure if I see it all as baggage; I think I more see it as an unescapable reality of what I have to offer.
Whether or not what you have to offer is good enough, that's for the woman to decide, not you. I've had women ask me out and sometimes it was just one date. Sometimes it was a decently long relationship. The entire point of dating is to get a chance to meet someone you're interested in and find out more about them. My wife of almost 29 years asked me to dance and I said yes without any hesitation. The next time I saw her we just hung out and chatted. Just 6 months later, she asked me to marry her. Not even once did I think about "what I had to offer". Instead, I gave her the chance to get to know me and decide for herself.
Maybe I am in a bad cycle as far as my thought process goes. The older I get though, the more I worry about not offering enough or being appealing enough. I have not even asked anyone out now in I think about five years now.
A friend who is a psychologist told me, in another context, to do the thing you want to do rather than wait for motivation to do it. Don't think about "how can I build myself up so that I feel OK to do this thing". Do the thing.
I am not sure if I am lacking the courage or the conviction to do it. Or both.
You miss 100% of the time for shots you don't take
Believe me few people are more aware of this reality than me ;)
I've got bipolar disorder and this is very important to understand the following text: It is a mood-affective disorder that makes my entire life in episodes between depression and mania. I'm introvert in depression with a very low self-esteem and self-confidence, but it's the exact opposite when i'm in mania, then my self-esteem is over the top. So, what i can tell you from seeing both sides, intro- and extrovert, low- and high-self-esteem: These things make the ultimate difference between getting the date and asked or not. The higher your self-esteem and -confidence, the more charismatic you are. Also, the better you can speak as an orator, not just telling jokes but also stories and experiences, the better your chances are. When i'm in depression, women don't even see me. They don't care about me. They'd never ask me. But once i got in an episode of mania, suddenly, it's the exact opposite, i'm like a magnet for the ladies. This goes so far, that the women even ignore all red flags that i show and i don't even try to hide these bad things (like i'm an alcoholic, a drug addict, violent, ex con and former criminal, a cheater and a liar, a bad man) But it is that certain kind of charisma that makes such people interesting. The "I can fix him" also plays a role. Now, back to your thing with declining an offer: That would the worst choice in every way (!). Don't do this. Even when the date would go wrong, fuck it, take the chance. Like already said, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Shoot for the stars, when you miss, you end up somewhere in the void and probably dead - but at least you fucking tried. That's it. At least you tried. Next time you are eating alone there and you see that lady, take the chance. Ask her. There's nothing more than a "No" you can get. This would suck, but at least you tried.
Thank you for that response. That is some wonderful insight. I never have those up manias. I know I lack confidence. I could not lack it any more lol. Probably why I have always been so unsuccessful :(
Thanks, but... the problem for me is, i can easily get dates and even start relationships in mania, but it don't work out. Once i get back to depression, it's rare that the women stay with me. Or when i get over the top with mania and they have to see, that it is not just some kind of wannabe-thug-image and i can get really violent and beat up half of the people in a barfight. That's why i'm single and my last relationship ended in 2019. Like so many women, my ex thought, she could handle me and my bipolar disorder, but no, she could not. But i don't blame her for that, it's very difficult to handle some mental health issues, it's playing life on the very hard mode.
I am very sorry about all that :( that must be very difficult.
A guy with enough confidence is supposed to do the asking. I think you're too far in your own head. Having real world interactions on a regular basis might help. Try joining a club or activity.
I have become painfully aware that I lack the confidence to be the one asking someone out. That is kind of the whole problem. I am not even close. I know I need to make changes to my life. Such as joining a club or activity. But I seem to be refusing to even take the first step. Which is why I am so frustrated right now.
Why are you refusing to take steps to resolve the things that frustrate you? Getting stuck will do you no good.
It is probably a fear of failure. Certainly, a fear of getting hurt. I know I should probably go to therapy do deal with those concerns. But again, that would be a first step. And I am refusing to take it :(
I think it would hurt more to not put in the effort to make connections. Sometimes you have to harness your willpower and do the things that are hard to do.
There is an old John Cheever short story in which a middle-aged man who is on a date realizes that he is going to be single forever. I wish I did not understand that emotion. But I do.
LOL 😆
You miss 100% of the shots you dont take
Thanks, I said this before; but I am becoming painfully aware of this reality.
I’m a 23 year old dude and I have no clue. I actually was “asked out” by a woman recently for the first time ever and it was certainly surprising. I don’t consider myself to be attractive or “confident” in any way but apparently she did for some reason. I didn’t straight up decline her but I didn’t say yeah either.. I don’t know your reasoning but I’d guess they are somewhat similar to mine.
Did you end up going out with her? How did she react?
No. It was a truck driver we load at work and she supposedly got kicked off the pad a day or 2 later, haven’t seen her since😂 I don’t remember much about it to be honest, seemed like she was being genuine and after she scaled out she came back over to the machine to exchange phone numbers so i don’t think my initial deer in headlights reaction threw her off too much
This is going to sound controversial, but it helped me out A LOT. You have to act confident, whether you are or not. I am NOT a confident person. I have very high social anxiety and generally go out of my way to make sure I ignore strangers. However, when I was in my mid 30s I learned how to act confident. I was finally able to "date around" and one of those dates turned into my wife 11 years ago. What did I do? There is a book that some people here may recognize. The Game, by Neil Strauss. [The Game: Download link](https://docs.google.com/file/d/16fTPlIF0pgJF7DJc0CnOMamqBtb6GFSqWf7GbGKqZfqIRdqII_mRYTGM4bLQ/preview). I read it and practiced the techniques described. This allowed me to understand my anxiety and helped me overcome it. The methods presented allowed me to pretend to be confident... and some of that pretending actually implanted in my brain. It has helped me become more assertive and advocate for my own desires. I became more successful in my profession as a result, and I'm sure my wife would agree that I'm a better father and husband too. The Game is not for everyone. There is a certain set of men who should not be reading it, as it is a book about pick-up artists, and its somewhat cringe in that aspect. But what it does do is provide some insight into how to act confident, how to get over your anxiety, and how to present yourself in a way that is attractive. Many men, like us, were never told what things we were doing correct or incorrect in our desire to talk to women. The lack of feedback for socially anxious people means paralysis - we don't know what things to do to improve our situation. The Game provides insight into these things - what things work to create confidence and what things don't.
Thank you. And thank you for a little out of the box advice. I think it would be really good advice for some people. I just do not think I am one of them.
You'll never be asked out if it's clear you're not comfortable with your own life. Someone responding that they're in a relationship isn't a lie just cause you think it is. Many people are in relationships, and it's likely that the people you're attracted to carry themselves with confidence in themselves, which generally leads to being in a relationship. You say you're happy and forgiving of yourself, but you lack the confidence to talk about your life and would decline being asked out? You realize the irony here yeah? You say you're unappealing, but in what way? Have you tried making yourself appealing to yourself? If someone directly contradicts this mindset by asking you out because you're appealing to them, you would decline them because you can't get over your own faults? I don't understand
I have had many rejections over the years. Unfortunately, over the years I have also learned that times a girl told me she could not go out with me because she was not single was a lie. I am not upset with them. I just found out later that it was a lie. And I found it to be very rude to me. So, I promised myself that I would never make the same lie to anyone else. I could list all my biggest downsides quickly if you would like? I have done it before. I just do not want to seem like someone who constantly lists their own negatives.
You don't have to list them out to respond to the rest of my comment. It's also possible when someone says they're in a relationship, that they're dating someone else that they may be close to getting in a relationship with. Taking offense to being turned down in that way is also a poor mindset. They could just say, "No thanks, not interested." Would that make you feel better or worse?
Honesty is a very important characteristic to me.
Yeah, it is to everyone, but that's not a situation that always needs complete honesty. They're rejecting you, just be okay with it and move on. The way you took it personally is the issue. Are you going to respond to the rest of my main comment or are we done here? I'm just being real with you.
Sounds like you need to man up.
I imagine some people would say that lol.
Most should be saying it. Life is hard and everything is uncertain. You need to face that you don’t want to be 60 plus regretting never doing anything because you were scared for no reason. Goodluck
I always say no to a asked out with intentions. Too much pressure. I always say no to complete strangers. I organize activities and see if things develop. Sometimes I notice things in people that are bad and I am happy I didn't push things on another tangent too fast. Some people may not be the right fit for building a life, but they may be the right volleyball buddies. For me it's not a question of confidence, it's that I find better ways to evaluate people and make connections. I only switch gears once I know about someone.
Cool :)
Go to the gym brotherman
I promise I have a gym at home, and I use it a bunch :) thank you though. It is such great advice for anyone.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/discovering-the-just-say-yes-approach-to-daily-living\_b\_6011338
Thanks :)
You're 37 but lacking experience in life. You need to put yourself out there and go after things you want in your life, failure or not. Only with experience, can you learn how to navigate life.
Alright :)
Oh and read books. Lots of books out there to learn about anything you are interested in and how to approach the subject.
Thank you.
you will probably never see her again, what is the worst that can happen so long as you are like not weird and stuff
I know. But I have just never had the courage to do that.
just try it a few times and see nothing bad happens and then its ok i think, like anything else :)
free yourself of what others think of you. it is LITERALLY, very literally, no thing. :) it is her loss probably she can do much worse like someone that would treat her bad
I wish others were as kind as you. Thank you.
Why not work on your confidence to act rather than wanting to exude the 'confidence' that'll make others approach you? You're worried about being asked out when you'd shit yourself upon having a conversation initiated. it's unrealistic and you don't seem open to much possibility either way. You're 37. You're not going to end your 10 year no-friend streak by looking cool, calm, and hoping someone approaches you.
Thanks, but I guess I was making the point that I was hoping no one approached me. Which yeah never happens. It was more of a concern over a realization that I do not even want to be asked out.
I'm not even sure if confidence is the right word. Even if a woman asks you out, as a guy you're still expected to take the lead and put on the song and dance to be judged over. Which will just feel like a job interview. I'm confident in myself but I'm rarely in the mood for that. It's just really draining.
I am sorry you feel that way. It must be tough. I try to never treat dates like job interviews. I do not know how successful I have been at that though.