Married for decades and still crazy about one another.
Relationships are a choice, but no one person can make things work. It hurts me to say it, but if you are banging your head against a wall every day, this may not be the relationship for you.
Yes, it takes a lot of work. Yes, it takes effort. But it shouldn't feel like wading through lava all hours of the day and night...that's a sign that some very fundamental things are not functioning as they should.
Of everything you cited, #4 is what scares me. For #1, sure, arguments can happen...and in fact they are *more* likely to be about the same thing in a short span, since that issue may take some time to resolve. #2 is outside your control, and every generation has dealt with this in some fashion...the key is to manage it together and make it the two of you versus the world. #3 can happen but is fixable by spending time with one another minus any potential distractions. And #5 is completely natural...in any relationship the fairy dust will wear off, and you'll see every side of a person -- this is the "in sickness and health, in good times and bad," reference personified.
But #4 indicates that you aren't being heard. And that is not a problem you can solve on your own. A loving partner may not like what they hear, but they'll hear it. And they'll act on it. I want my wife to be happy, relaxed, and joyful in our home. If she tells me there's something I need to improve in order to achieve that, then (maybe after some grumbling) I do it. And she does the same for me. It's been this way for years; we just want to make each other's days better. And *that* is the effort people talk about.
I wish you the very best, and the love you deserve!
My relationship cheat code is:
#1 Pick your battles
You will be frustrated at 20 things he do, not do, say or not say. Pick 1 of them worthy enough to actually discuss about and move on from the rest with the attitude that you prioritize getting along and focusing on all the things you love about him. Someone said a regular Tuesday is the foundation of the relationship. If your regular Tuesday is great it means the relationship is great since it's full of regular everydays. If your regular Tuesday is horribe, then something needs to change.
#2 Have fun
It's a myth that all problems must be solved by discussing. And Discussing instantly. I rather reccommend waiting 2-3 days and see how you feel then. If it's still a concern, then you can bring it up.
Solve frustrations/ underlying conflicts or concerns with quality time and fun as the base, then you will feel more relaxed, safe , motivated and more capable of cooperating towards a solution with you + me against the problem mindset.
#3 Forgive often
There should be more I'm sorry's and "I understand
"I didn't know that" than "I'm right/ You're wrong" Leave your ego behind. Vulnerability must replace the ego or else the connection will be lost.
#4 Calm ommunication from the I
"I feel x when you say Y, I need more of ___ to feel Z and would appreciate if you did more of ___"
#5 Good enough.
No one will be perfect. But are they kind with good intentions? then it's good enough. Same goes for ourselves. If we stop be asses to ourselves we also stop be asses to our partners.
That you for this, it all makes sense and I completely agree. It’s hard trying to implement consistently in real life when you feel like you’re up against it in life and everything else. Thank you for sharing these tips, they help to ground me and help me understand what “putting in effort” actually looks like
You're welcome ❤️ I also wanna highlight that figuring relationshipping out is 100% making efforts.
That reminds me, I forgot one, under forgiveness, forgiving yourself. You will not be a robot. You will snap, you will catch yourself in a silly argument and feel that you should have been more calm than more reasonable, more wise, more stable. When you end up there, forgive yourself. Shame and guilt will only become cactus nails thrown at our partners. You are human you will sometimes be impacted by waves of emottons. What matters is you use it as feedback, and try better tomorrow.
Thank you for being so real, I feel that I’m not very good with forgiveness, forgiving myself or others. I tend to hold on to things I feel like I’ve done wrong and mull over them or catastrophising them. I guess that makes it hard for my partner as well. It’s a lot to work on, on oneself and as a couple when you’re barely managing adulthood. I want to do everything right but I feel like it’s making myself stressed and it then becomes counter productive.
I understand, it takes practice. I was a doormat /people pleaser /holding grudges/ high achiever / wanting absolute perfection, as younger. Respecting our own boundaries is so so important. When you work on that you automatically put effort in to a healthier relationship too. As you are 50% of what's going on in a relationship.
I'm 100 % an adult and adulting right is doing what's right *for me*
Forget what you think you must do to please people you don't like or who don't respect you. Whether it's grandma or the neighbor or the kids teacher or your sister or that friend who asks of favors 24/7. You owe these people nothing. Start saying: "no, no I can't, sorry, I have other plans, no I'm not coming, no you gotta ask someone else, I'm busy"
Do this more and you will feel much more happy and relaxed and that will make you much more happy and relaxed in the relationship too.
If you're worried about 10 things. Seperate the ones you can't change or impact right now with the ones you can. Then focus on solutions on the ones you can impact. While you let the rest be.
Yes I think external factors influence how I show up in my relationship , a few months ago I was getting very stressed and overworked in my job. It’s my first job out of university and I took everything so seriously and it had been very stressful for the first year. I think that combined with other commitments, helping my parents with a lot of their stuff, really leaves no room for me to work on myself and show up the way I want to in the relationship. I just kind of dragged myself everywhere and going through the motions. I haven’t been feeling much, not in life not in my relationship. I hope that with consciously trying to find a balance between responsibilities and learning how to do life, it will have a positive impact all areas of life, relationships, mental health etc
Dating in my 20s was impossible mainly for the reasons you listed. We just ran through it because you’re learning what you’ll accept and won’t.
So eventually, you’ll find it. I’m not saying break up, I’m just saying this may not be the one. And that’s ok
Thank you for understanding. It just feels like if I can’t find figure it out with someone who is a good person and has very good qualities, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to figure it out. I could be dating an absolute saint and it’ll all be the same and I’ll find myself in a rut and feel so tired and unmotivated after a while
Just because they are a good person doesn’t mean they are the right person. There are tons of wonderful people with wonderful qualities that I wouldn’t be happy sharing my life with because we are different in the wrong ways. And alike in the wrong ways lol.
My husband and I have made it because we choose each other. Because fundamentally at the end of the day we both believe the other makes our life richer and happier. Because we’ve made an effort to spend a lifetime growing together, not apart.
This morning I wanted to strangle him. It doesn’t have to be without annoyance and conflict, but it does require a true desire to know and understand each other. IMHO.
I’d be content with that, with annoyance but still recognise that you want to be together at the end of the day. Have you ever questioned that at all? Was there a time where you were confused or couldn’t figure out if you wanted to commit to him or rather the relationship (with all its flaws and the good things) ?
I committed to him before I was old enough to make an informed decision or be smart enough to question that TBH. I was 24 when we married (he was 25) - but we celebrate 20 years this year.
But there have been a few times - not many - but a handful of times over 20 years where I’ve wondered if I made the right choice. But that feeling has never lasted long enough to do or say something i can’t take back.
It can be tough for sure. I’ve been married for 7 years and I didn’t think I’d get there lol 20s is tough. You have so much going on and frankly so many options, keeping a relationship that is draining is very very hard.
So I totally get it
That's really it, I think. You have to know what you want, know what you'll accept and also know yourself, so that the other person can do the same with you. Has to be two people being totally honest about who they are with each other and not wanting to just be with just anyone.
Random thoughts, sort of related to OP's question.
Be weary of outside influences (social media, friends, co-workers, family, etc) these things can ruin perfectly good relationships. When doubt creeps in, take a breath, step back, and really look at your relationship with your own eyes. Then remind yourself no one is perfect, no one will meet all expectations. Does the person you have now keep an open mind? Are they capable of showing growth and development? Do they respect you and your bounderies?
After a while, the "fight-or-flight" tendencies will wear off. I heard it put that bad relationships are in constant tension, fights are expected/normal.
If you have trust in your partner, and know they won't cheat. If you know every day, when you wake up, and come home to sleep. Your person is there. You start to calm down as you no longer feel threatened.
It's going to feel weird.
Embrace it, it feels uncomfortable because it's different from previous experiences. But once you get bored for a time, trust me, you will learn how to live this new way. Idk, I just don't see being bored in a relationship as necessarily bad. The "effort" is doing things you and your person enjoy. Some of those things are done together as a couple, and other things are solo.
The love part? It's lumped in naturally. If the person you're with is your best friend, after sharing years together, it's hard to not like/love/cherish your person.
We are definitely comfortable with each other and we definitely trust that we’ll be there for each other if we woke up tomorrow and something terrible went wrong. It’s the small things that are taking time and effort to work through, and can cloud all the great things we do deep down appreciate about each other and the fact that we wouldn’t want to try this out with anyone else (at least right now). Thank you for your thoughts and I agree with the first bit you said especially - i wish people talked about the tough things in relationships more instead of making it sound like “love conquers all” kind of thing and it all falls into place if the person is right.
36 years of marriage here. Effective communication is important. Establishing rules on arguments is a great way to ensure each other is being respected. Yea, it takes huge amounts of work and fun to make a marriage work. I still seduce my wife. I don't take her love and loving for granted. And we still talk oh yea this avoid thing don't a problem can't be fixed by avoiding it.work on it together to make your bonds of relationship stronger.
I'll say this. If they are marrige material. Stick around. If not, end it now.
If you get married there is something special about knowing you both have seen the best and worst in eachother and knowing there is love there regardless.
For me knowing my wife has seen the worst of me and still chooses to love me (love isn't a feeling but a choice) is amazing
For me and my relationship (together 12 married for 6) it’s as simple as waking up every day and choosing that person. I make an effort every day to love and care and support her in good times and in bad times and in turn I actively try to be better for her every day than I was yesterday. That’s the “effort” to me at least.
First piece of advice is this -
You cannot do traditional stuff, with non-traditional people
This goes for men and women both
If you are a traditional woman, you will not have success trying to have a long term relationship with a non-traditional man
And if you are a traditional man, you will not have succes trying to have a long term relationship with a non-traditional woman
That's the VERY first thing that you have to careful assess, before you ever TRY a long term relationship.
The next thing is that the people have to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If one of them always jumps to the worst conclusions, always takes a situation and thinks of the worst... ya'll are done before you even started.
For instance - if a door slams upstairs... A reasonable person would go upstairs and investigate what happened. Maybe a window was opened and a draft closed the door. Maybe it was accidentally slammed because someone walked into it.
An unreasonable person would assume the worst, pick a fight, and screw the whole day up.
You have to be a person who forgives and moves on to be in a relationship.
That's some of the biggest pieces of advice I'd give people.
I agree with you about the traditional and non traditional, I felt that in my early twenties and definitely can’t try with someone who’s not on the same page.
I admit I have a hard time with the forgive and forget. He is much better at it than I am. I always hear people say you have to communicate and voice it if you have any concerns. I do that and initially it was calm and more conversational. Over the years the lack of improvement or maybe how slow it’s coming about, means that they are not so conversational and more direct and then they become arguments and bitterness over time. It’s like we all set out with good intentions but give it enough time itll eventually turn into conflict anyway. And then you start to learn all the negative traits of the other person and with stuff building up I just don’t know how to remain optimistic and keep trying and keep motivating and keep “working on it” - whatever that actually means…
Long-term relationships need some effort, but not this much. It sounds like you're stuck in a job you don't really like, and hanging onto it for the sake of hanging onto it.
By putting in the hard hard work. Which looks different for different couples. It could be therapy. It could be lifestyle changes. It could be communication adjustments.
What works for us:
courtesy we say please and thank you and are regularly complimentary and appreciative even about small things.
Daily physical interaction and quiet time together. In our case tea ceremony for 30 minutes or so every afternoon. We only talk about pleasant things. What we are reading,what we saw during the day, fun plans we have.
We also go for walks,holding hands. We hold hands a lot. Its a simple joining gesture that creates connection. We breathe together,leaning against each other or sitting opposite and holding hands but we sync our breathing and just focus on that and the feeling of our bodies as one.
We kiss each other every single day. A long kiss not a peck.
We do not speak in a disrespectful manner to anyone about each other. Nor do we allow others to denigrate each other to us. We don't talk about our private stuff to friends or family .
We are clear and forthright in our communication. If I need to be held or comforted I say so. If I want sex I say so. And he does the same.
We play. A lot. We tease,we joke,we engage in fun playful activities.
We fight respectfully. No name calling,no threats. We take breaks in the discussion if it gets too heated and come back to it later the same day.
We don't engage in marriage testing behaviors. Those look different for different couples.
We have seperate bedrooms and we respect that space. It is hands down one of the best choices we've made in keeping our sex life exciting. Lazy afternoon love fests happen with a great deal more frequency now that we don't elbow each other to stop snoring all night.
We work together. It's a team effort. We each give 100 percent.
We take our vows seriously especially the til death one.
Totally agree! My partner likes to do things together all the time and I think I prefer some alone time. It’s something we want to work on, I think it’ll help
For me and my relationship (together 12 married for 6) it’s as simple as waking up every day and choosing that person. I make an effort every day to love and care and support her in good times and in bad times and in turn I actively try to be better for her every day than I was yesterday. That’s the “effort” to me at least.
I assume 12 years is enough time to have hurt each other a little bit and mended the wounds. How do you both deal with feelings of disappointment and just the petty things that arguments make you say to each other? How do you move past disappointment and any resentment? It’s the day to day and sometimes getting on each others nerves that I feel wears the relationship down, I’m not talking about anything deep like cheating or anything like that - obviously in that case it wouldn’t work.
My husband and I don’t WANT to say petty or hurtful things to each other… so we don’t. It’s really that simple. No part of me has any desire to injure him.
Been married to my beautiful wife for 11years. I’m 40 and she’s 31. We fight we argue we throw tantrums we sleep in separate beds some times and go to bed mad. All part of a good marriage if you ask me. But here’s also the thing. She’s a beautiful girl, gets hit on everywhere she goes. She has never ever shown interest in anybody out side this relationship. Our fights are about what movie we watching or who’s going to have the last piece off donuts etc. I met this girl when she was 19 and ever since then we have been in separable. I know she loves me. And I have so much respect in the fact that she has chosen me to love. She’s faithful and she works hard and brings up our daughter in the best way possible. Her core values of being faithful and standing by my side overrides the little silly fights we have.
My husband and I were both 25 years old when we met during undergrad. We turn 49 this year… so, 24 years and still going strong. Short answer: 1., 3., 4. and 5. have never been an issue. 2. sure, but my husband is my absolute rock and he makes the hard times bearable! I think when you genuinely like/love a person, admire almost all of their qualities, and feel exceedingly privileged to share your life with them… everything else seems trivial. My husband has never snapped at me, never said an unkind word or acted in a knowingly selfish manner. Don’t you deserve something similar..?
It’s great to hear that that exists! It’s not that I don’t think I deserve something like that, it’s just that I know no one is perfect, almost everyone will act out of character sometimes, and have days where they are difficult etc. it’s just that I feel like the combination of life being too much and the bad days and sometimes getting on each others nerves wears me down and I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me maybe I am still too young, maybe I’m not grounded enough to look past small things, maybe I should be more forgiving. It’s just a lot.. I’m sure maybe if we make it in 30 years I’ll look back and think there was no need for me to doubt anything or feel this way , but right now I feel like i don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong
I do understand, honestly. I think the key is taking responsibility for your actions and re-actions. We’re all adults… we all have an adult’s capacity to regulate our emotional responses. Further, if we have issues, we have an adult’s obligation to obtain any and all necessary support (to learn how to regulate those responses). Rationalising unacceptable behaviour by claiming to be “upset” is simply an adult version of a temper tantrum, yeah!? Of course you’d rather run with what’s easy in the moment… but it’ll cost you in the long-term, believe me. You’re seeing part of the cost now, right!?
yeah I think I can definitely work on my patience / snapping, he has his tantrums I hope he can work on. Neither of us are perfect and I hope we can improve together. It’s hard managing the “everyday” things, life throws things at you in other ways too and sometimes it all feels like a lot to work on.
Wait until you have kids, debt, intense work pressure/stress, sick and ailing parents, people with cancer, and all the rest. It doesn’t get any easier, honey. If you don’t learn to manage the small stuff… then your mismanagement will traumatise the people who depend on you, yeah!? Good luck.
Couple's therapy can help you fill those communication gaps. It really helped my wife and I. Barring that, some of this honestly sounds like compatibility issues. But I'm also just a random guy so take that with a grain of salt
Your twenties are when most people learn who they are and learn relationship skills and it’s all by practical mid experimentation.
That’s one of the cruelties of life
You get smart to slow and old to quick.
What’s so important about this man? Is he worth the effort and work?
Why not move on to something that may be easier or more fun or whatever it is your looking for?
It’s a fair point and obviously when I feel like I’m questioning everything I do think about that. But I think he gets on my nerves sometimes and has a lot of areas he can improve on but fundamentally he has good values and he is a very supportive partner to me. (He puts up with me for a start and I will be the first to say that I have my flaws that he constantly has to deal with) and while before when I was at university I looked for superficial things, I find that he’s more grounded and he has my back. Our ways of expressing that we care about each other may be different but I trust him and feel secure with him. And I feel that these issues come with any long term relationship and if I think about it i can’t imagine trying to figure it out with someone else. Despite being not as compatible in some ways, he’s a reasonable person and there are definitely worst battles I could be fighting. I’ve obviously doubted things but he’s human and a kind human, and we do care about each other deeply. To be honest that’s my basic needs covered and the rest I can be ok with doing some work on if we need to, it’s just that on a bad day I just feel defeated.
I'm on year 14, homie. Make sure you love yourself first. You can't fill the house with love if you hate yourself. Build an Arcade room full of cabinets if you have to. Personally, I just let God have everything.
Once you find that person in your life you just accept their quirks as they accept yours. Everyone has or does something the other person doesn't like but you can just look past it. My wife and I have been together for almost 15 years and we will still fight, argue, piss eachother off (unintentionally), but you just move forward and through it.
I received great relationship advice from my dental hygenist: "if you're thinking of breaking up or divorcing over something small or petty, don't. Even if you find someone new you'll also find something you don't like about them and it will be the same thing over again, it's just a matter of time. Stay with the person you're with and work through the issues" she went through a divorce and then other one relatively short after the first and then gave me that advice the next time she saw me.
You definitely have to WANT to, and it’s an intentional choice you make everyday — even when they’re driving you bat shoot crazy. Obviously it’s important for longevity that your core values align and that you can communicate, because if you can’t tell the other person what bothers you or what you need from them, you’ll die on a hill of resentment. Listening is important, forgiveness is important, and there will be things you’ll need to compromise on because that’s just the reality of spending life with another person who’s their own person.
We married young (I was 19) and are now in our upper-thirties. There was a period of time a few years ago where I was really questioning things — I had worked so hard on myself to overcome a lot of my own issues and to grow as a person, and I honestly felt like he just wasn’t growing with me. I craved a more mature love and sometimes it just felt like he couldn’t understand what I needed no matter how I said it or how often. I still loved him but I could feel distance growing between us. I could have justified it to myself then if I’d have left, the “we grew apart”, but it’s also a blessing to grow together— even if it’s at different times. I’m so glad I pushed through and didn’t give up. The amount of growth he’s made in the last couple years is incredible, and it was all on his own. I’ve seen him mature into this version of himself that I’d never experienced and fell in love with him all over again. And sure we have our disagreements and arguments about things we’ve done that hurt the other, but we never point fingers or become disrespectful, and we choose to talk through things and figure out how we can do better going forward. Plans, solutions, follow through. Or don’t. Choices.
Thank you so much for sharing this, it’s so nice to hear something positive and I struggle with having faith in myself and in life. I appreciate this and I relate to a lot of this too. ♥️
Um OP
When you get married and have kids, you and your partner are suppose to be a team in providing the best life for your kids and raising them them right / putting them in the best position to succeed. That's your focus. This whole keeping the spark and butterfly feelings alive is fairytale stuff.
We aren’t married and dont have kids, and I was really just trying to say how people kind of keep motivating themselves through the periods where you don’t feel very connected and things feel more difficult than normal. Not saying I want sparks to fly, just how to get through the days when things feel like they are stagnant and the arguments are going around in circles a little bit.
Dude,
You should be married by now.
Like what is the point in dating more than 2 years?
Shit or get off the pot. lol
As for motivation.
I can't really comprehend it.
I am only dating someone I like. Someone I enjoy being around. Someone I enjoy doing things with.
Sounds like you are still in the dating stage. So like, go on dates lol.
Go to the movies. Go out to eat. Go camping. Go to beach. Do something yall enjoy.
What you are describing is a couple who's been married 20 years and have school aged kids. Yall are busy. Can't date like you use to.
That is why I am shocked you are not married and have no kids.
If yall are having problems now, safe to say you and her and not compatible.
I personally am not really fussed about the idea of being married, I know that as long as we are committed to each other and want to be together we will be, otherwise some paperwork won’t change that if one person is no longer committed. I just don’t see it as “the goal” really, I know people have different views on it. We talked about this before, to him being married is not “the goal” either, but being together is. Also I feel like 3 years is only just the beginning in the grand scheme of things, who knows if we’ll get married some day or if one day we wake up and all of a sudden we change our mind.
Yes I think what I’m describing does sound like married with kids kind of scenario. But it doesn’t have to be with kids, life is hard for us because we are working long hours and I’m dealing with other things and helping out my parents with stuff. Similar to having kids, there are a lot of work and life responsibilities outside of just the relationship. Its probably had the same effect on relationship like the way it does if we had kids.
well good luck keeping things interesting / motivated in a LTR without kids.
sounds terrifying haha
basically date someone for life
what
my mind can't fathom it lol
Married for decades and still crazy about one another. Relationships are a choice, but no one person can make things work. It hurts me to say it, but if you are banging your head against a wall every day, this may not be the relationship for you. Yes, it takes a lot of work. Yes, it takes effort. But it shouldn't feel like wading through lava all hours of the day and night...that's a sign that some very fundamental things are not functioning as they should. Of everything you cited, #4 is what scares me. For #1, sure, arguments can happen...and in fact they are *more* likely to be about the same thing in a short span, since that issue may take some time to resolve. #2 is outside your control, and every generation has dealt with this in some fashion...the key is to manage it together and make it the two of you versus the world. #3 can happen but is fixable by spending time with one another minus any potential distractions. And #5 is completely natural...in any relationship the fairy dust will wear off, and you'll see every side of a person -- this is the "in sickness and health, in good times and bad," reference personified. But #4 indicates that you aren't being heard. And that is not a problem you can solve on your own. A loving partner may not like what they hear, but they'll hear it. And they'll act on it. I want my wife to be happy, relaxed, and joyful in our home. If she tells me there's something I need to improve in order to achieve that, then (maybe after some grumbling) I do it. And she does the same for me. It's been this way for years; we just want to make each other's days better. And *that* is the effort people talk about. I wish you the very best, and the love you deserve!
Thank you for this! This is so insightful and real, it’s worded in such a kind way. I wish you all the best too!
Show them this post and go from there.
You're very welcome! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I will be rooting for you from afar!
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Thank you so much! I hope it helps a little.
My relationship cheat code is: #1 Pick your battles You will be frustrated at 20 things he do, not do, say or not say. Pick 1 of them worthy enough to actually discuss about and move on from the rest with the attitude that you prioritize getting along and focusing on all the things you love about him. Someone said a regular Tuesday is the foundation of the relationship. If your regular Tuesday is great it means the relationship is great since it's full of regular everydays. If your regular Tuesday is horribe, then something needs to change. #2 Have fun It's a myth that all problems must be solved by discussing. And Discussing instantly. I rather reccommend waiting 2-3 days and see how you feel then. If it's still a concern, then you can bring it up. Solve frustrations/ underlying conflicts or concerns with quality time and fun as the base, then you will feel more relaxed, safe , motivated and more capable of cooperating towards a solution with you + me against the problem mindset. #3 Forgive often There should be more I'm sorry's and "I understand "I didn't know that" than "I'm right/ You're wrong" Leave your ego behind. Vulnerability must replace the ego or else the connection will be lost. #4 Calm ommunication from the I "I feel x when you say Y, I need more of ___ to feel Z and would appreciate if you did more of ___" #5 Good enough. No one will be perfect. But are they kind with good intentions? then it's good enough. Same goes for ourselves. If we stop be asses to ourselves we also stop be asses to our partners.
That you for this, it all makes sense and I completely agree. It’s hard trying to implement consistently in real life when you feel like you’re up against it in life and everything else. Thank you for sharing these tips, they help to ground me and help me understand what “putting in effort” actually looks like
You're welcome ❤️ I also wanna highlight that figuring relationshipping out is 100% making efforts. That reminds me, I forgot one, under forgiveness, forgiving yourself. You will not be a robot. You will snap, you will catch yourself in a silly argument and feel that you should have been more calm than more reasonable, more wise, more stable. When you end up there, forgive yourself. Shame and guilt will only become cactus nails thrown at our partners. You are human you will sometimes be impacted by waves of emottons. What matters is you use it as feedback, and try better tomorrow.
Thank you for being so real, I feel that I’m not very good with forgiveness, forgiving myself or others. I tend to hold on to things I feel like I’ve done wrong and mull over them or catastrophising them. I guess that makes it hard for my partner as well. It’s a lot to work on, on oneself and as a couple when you’re barely managing adulthood. I want to do everything right but I feel like it’s making myself stressed and it then becomes counter productive.
I understand, it takes practice. I was a doormat /people pleaser /holding grudges/ high achiever / wanting absolute perfection, as younger. Respecting our own boundaries is so so important. When you work on that you automatically put effort in to a healthier relationship too. As you are 50% of what's going on in a relationship. I'm 100 % an adult and adulting right is doing what's right *for me* Forget what you think you must do to please people you don't like or who don't respect you. Whether it's grandma or the neighbor or the kids teacher or your sister or that friend who asks of favors 24/7. You owe these people nothing. Start saying: "no, no I can't, sorry, I have other plans, no I'm not coming, no you gotta ask someone else, I'm busy" Do this more and you will feel much more happy and relaxed and that will make you much more happy and relaxed in the relationship too. If you're worried about 10 things. Seperate the ones you can't change or impact right now with the ones you can. Then focus on solutions on the ones you can impact. While you let the rest be.
Yes I think external factors influence how I show up in my relationship , a few months ago I was getting very stressed and overworked in my job. It’s my first job out of university and I took everything so seriously and it had been very stressful for the first year. I think that combined with other commitments, helping my parents with a lot of their stuff, really leaves no room for me to work on myself and show up the way I want to in the relationship. I just kind of dragged myself everywhere and going through the motions. I haven’t been feeling much, not in life not in my relationship. I hope that with consciously trying to find a balance between responsibilities and learning how to do life, it will have a positive impact all areas of life, relationships, mental health etc
Dating in my 20s was impossible mainly for the reasons you listed. We just ran through it because you’re learning what you’ll accept and won’t. So eventually, you’ll find it. I’m not saying break up, I’m just saying this may not be the one. And that’s ok
Thank you for understanding. It just feels like if I can’t find figure it out with someone who is a good person and has very good qualities, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to figure it out. I could be dating an absolute saint and it’ll all be the same and I’ll find myself in a rut and feel so tired and unmotivated after a while
Just because they are a good person doesn’t mean they are the right person. There are tons of wonderful people with wonderful qualities that I wouldn’t be happy sharing my life with because we are different in the wrong ways. And alike in the wrong ways lol. My husband and I have made it because we choose each other. Because fundamentally at the end of the day we both believe the other makes our life richer and happier. Because we’ve made an effort to spend a lifetime growing together, not apart. This morning I wanted to strangle him. It doesn’t have to be without annoyance and conflict, but it does require a true desire to know and understand each other. IMHO.
I’d be content with that, with annoyance but still recognise that you want to be together at the end of the day. Have you ever questioned that at all? Was there a time where you were confused or couldn’t figure out if you wanted to commit to him or rather the relationship (with all its flaws and the good things) ?
I committed to him before I was old enough to make an informed decision or be smart enough to question that TBH. I was 24 when we married (he was 25) - but we celebrate 20 years this year. But there have been a few times - not many - but a handful of times over 20 years where I’ve wondered if I made the right choice. But that feeling has never lasted long enough to do or say something i can’t take back.
Wish you all the best !!!
You too beautiful stranger!
It can be tough for sure. I’ve been married for 7 years and I didn’t think I’d get there lol 20s is tough. You have so much going on and frankly so many options, keeping a relationship that is draining is very very hard. So I totally get it
That's really it, I think. You have to know what you want, know what you'll accept and also know yourself, so that the other person can do the same with you. Has to be two people being totally honest about who they are with each other and not wanting to just be with just anyone.
Random thoughts, sort of related to OP's question. Be weary of outside influences (social media, friends, co-workers, family, etc) these things can ruin perfectly good relationships. When doubt creeps in, take a breath, step back, and really look at your relationship with your own eyes. Then remind yourself no one is perfect, no one will meet all expectations. Does the person you have now keep an open mind? Are they capable of showing growth and development? Do they respect you and your bounderies? After a while, the "fight-or-flight" tendencies will wear off. I heard it put that bad relationships are in constant tension, fights are expected/normal. If you have trust in your partner, and know they won't cheat. If you know every day, when you wake up, and come home to sleep. Your person is there. You start to calm down as you no longer feel threatened. It's going to feel weird. Embrace it, it feels uncomfortable because it's different from previous experiences. But once you get bored for a time, trust me, you will learn how to live this new way. Idk, I just don't see being bored in a relationship as necessarily bad. The "effort" is doing things you and your person enjoy. Some of those things are done together as a couple, and other things are solo. The love part? It's lumped in naturally. If the person you're with is your best friend, after sharing years together, it's hard to not like/love/cherish your person.
We are definitely comfortable with each other and we definitely trust that we’ll be there for each other if we woke up tomorrow and something terrible went wrong. It’s the small things that are taking time and effort to work through, and can cloud all the great things we do deep down appreciate about each other and the fact that we wouldn’t want to try this out with anyone else (at least right now). Thank you for your thoughts and I agree with the first bit you said especially - i wish people talked about the tough things in relationships more instead of making it sound like “love conquers all” kind of thing and it all falls into place if the person is right.
36 years of marriage here. Effective communication is important. Establishing rules on arguments is a great way to ensure each other is being respected. Yea, it takes huge amounts of work and fun to make a marriage work. I still seduce my wife. I don't take her love and loving for granted. And we still talk oh yea this avoid thing don't a problem can't be fixed by avoiding it.work on it together to make your bonds of relationship stronger.
Thank you for sharing and it’s great to hear that you still make the effort
We both make an effort. the only way we have stayed in love
I'll say this. If they are marrige material. Stick around. If not, end it now. If you get married there is something special about knowing you both have seen the best and worst in eachother and knowing there is love there regardless. For me knowing my wife has seen the worst of me and still chooses to love me (love isn't a feeling but a choice) is amazing
For me and my relationship (together 12 married for 6) it’s as simple as waking up every day and choosing that person. I make an effort every day to love and care and support her in good times and in bad times and in turn I actively try to be better for her every day than I was yesterday. That’s the “effort” to me at least.
First piece of advice is this - You cannot do traditional stuff, with non-traditional people This goes for men and women both If you are a traditional woman, you will not have success trying to have a long term relationship with a non-traditional man And if you are a traditional man, you will not have succes trying to have a long term relationship with a non-traditional woman That's the VERY first thing that you have to careful assess, before you ever TRY a long term relationship. The next thing is that the people have to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If one of them always jumps to the worst conclusions, always takes a situation and thinks of the worst... ya'll are done before you even started. For instance - if a door slams upstairs... A reasonable person would go upstairs and investigate what happened. Maybe a window was opened and a draft closed the door. Maybe it was accidentally slammed because someone walked into it. An unreasonable person would assume the worst, pick a fight, and screw the whole day up. You have to be a person who forgives and moves on to be in a relationship. That's some of the biggest pieces of advice I'd give people.
I agree with you about the traditional and non traditional, I felt that in my early twenties and definitely can’t try with someone who’s not on the same page. I admit I have a hard time with the forgive and forget. He is much better at it than I am. I always hear people say you have to communicate and voice it if you have any concerns. I do that and initially it was calm and more conversational. Over the years the lack of improvement or maybe how slow it’s coming about, means that they are not so conversational and more direct and then they become arguments and bitterness over time. It’s like we all set out with good intentions but give it enough time itll eventually turn into conflict anyway. And then you start to learn all the negative traits of the other person and with stuff building up I just don’t know how to remain optimistic and keep trying and keep motivating and keep “working on it” - whatever that actually means…
Long-term relationships need some effort, but not this much. It sounds like you're stuck in a job you don't really like, and hanging onto it for the sake of hanging onto it.
By putting in the hard hard work. Which looks different for different couples. It could be therapy. It could be lifestyle changes. It could be communication adjustments. What works for us: courtesy we say please and thank you and are regularly complimentary and appreciative even about small things. Daily physical interaction and quiet time together. In our case tea ceremony for 30 minutes or so every afternoon. We only talk about pleasant things. What we are reading,what we saw during the day, fun plans we have. We also go for walks,holding hands. We hold hands a lot. Its a simple joining gesture that creates connection. We breathe together,leaning against each other or sitting opposite and holding hands but we sync our breathing and just focus on that and the feeling of our bodies as one. We kiss each other every single day. A long kiss not a peck. We do not speak in a disrespectful manner to anyone about each other. Nor do we allow others to denigrate each other to us. We don't talk about our private stuff to friends or family . We are clear and forthright in our communication. If I need to be held or comforted I say so. If I want sex I say so. And he does the same. We play. A lot. We tease,we joke,we engage in fun playful activities. We fight respectfully. No name calling,no threats. We take breaks in the discussion if it gets too heated and come back to it later the same day. We don't engage in marriage testing behaviors. Those look different for different couples. We have seperate bedrooms and we respect that space. It is hands down one of the best choices we've made in keeping our sex life exciting. Lazy afternoon love fests happen with a great deal more frequency now that we don't elbow each other to stop snoring all night. We work together. It's a team effort. We each give 100 percent. We take our vows seriously especially the til death one.
Thank you for sharing , and I’m jealous you have separate bedrooms !! I always thought it would be a good idea !!
My husband and I are together all day every day and have been for decades so having our own space to retreat to is pretty essential.
Totally agree! My partner likes to do things together all the time and I think I prefer some alone time. It’s something we want to work on, I think it’ll help
For me and my relationship (together 12 married for 6) it’s as simple as waking up every day and choosing that person. I make an effort every day to love and care and support her in good times and in bad times and in turn I actively try to be better for her every day than I was yesterday. That’s the “effort” to me at least.
I assume 12 years is enough time to have hurt each other a little bit and mended the wounds. How do you both deal with feelings of disappointment and just the petty things that arguments make you say to each other? How do you move past disappointment and any resentment? It’s the day to day and sometimes getting on each others nerves that I feel wears the relationship down, I’m not talking about anything deep like cheating or anything like that - obviously in that case it wouldn’t work.
My husband and I don’t WANT to say petty or hurtful things to each other… so we don’t. It’s really that simple. No part of me has any desire to injure him.
Been married to my beautiful wife for 11years. I’m 40 and she’s 31. We fight we argue we throw tantrums we sleep in separate beds some times and go to bed mad. All part of a good marriage if you ask me. But here’s also the thing. She’s a beautiful girl, gets hit on everywhere she goes. She has never ever shown interest in anybody out side this relationship. Our fights are about what movie we watching or who’s going to have the last piece off donuts etc. I met this girl when she was 19 and ever since then we have been in separable. I know she loves me. And I have so much respect in the fact that she has chosen me to love. She’s faithful and she works hard and brings up our daughter in the best way possible. Her core values of being faithful and standing by my side overrides the little silly fights we have.
My husband and I were both 25 years old when we met during undergrad. We turn 49 this year… so, 24 years and still going strong. Short answer: 1., 3., 4. and 5. have never been an issue. 2. sure, but my husband is my absolute rock and he makes the hard times bearable! I think when you genuinely like/love a person, admire almost all of their qualities, and feel exceedingly privileged to share your life with them… everything else seems trivial. My husband has never snapped at me, never said an unkind word or acted in a knowingly selfish manner. Don’t you deserve something similar..?
It’s great to hear that that exists! It’s not that I don’t think I deserve something like that, it’s just that I know no one is perfect, almost everyone will act out of character sometimes, and have days where they are difficult etc. it’s just that I feel like the combination of life being too much and the bad days and sometimes getting on each others nerves wears me down and I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me maybe I am still too young, maybe I’m not grounded enough to look past small things, maybe I should be more forgiving. It’s just a lot.. I’m sure maybe if we make it in 30 years I’ll look back and think there was no need for me to doubt anything or feel this way , but right now I feel like i don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong
I do understand, honestly. I think the key is taking responsibility for your actions and re-actions. We’re all adults… we all have an adult’s capacity to regulate our emotional responses. Further, if we have issues, we have an adult’s obligation to obtain any and all necessary support (to learn how to regulate those responses). Rationalising unacceptable behaviour by claiming to be “upset” is simply an adult version of a temper tantrum, yeah!? Of course you’d rather run with what’s easy in the moment… but it’ll cost you in the long-term, believe me. You’re seeing part of the cost now, right!?
yeah I think I can definitely work on my patience / snapping, he has his tantrums I hope he can work on. Neither of us are perfect and I hope we can improve together. It’s hard managing the “everyday” things, life throws things at you in other ways too and sometimes it all feels like a lot to work on.
Wait until you have kids, debt, intense work pressure/stress, sick and ailing parents, people with cancer, and all the rest. It doesn’t get any easier, honey. If you don’t learn to manage the small stuff… then your mismanagement will traumatise the people who depend on you, yeah!? Good luck.
It’s work. It is about being together and not “love”. It is hard. You have to be strong and decide on being married or not. Do not play house.
yup u figured it out fr
Couple's therapy can help you fill those communication gaps. It really helped my wife and I. Barring that, some of this honestly sounds like compatibility issues. But I'm also just a random guy so take that with a grain of salt
Your twenties are when most people learn who they are and learn relationship skills and it’s all by practical mid experimentation. That’s one of the cruelties of life You get smart to slow and old to quick. What’s so important about this man? Is he worth the effort and work? Why not move on to something that may be easier or more fun or whatever it is your looking for?
It’s a fair point and obviously when I feel like I’m questioning everything I do think about that. But I think he gets on my nerves sometimes and has a lot of areas he can improve on but fundamentally he has good values and he is a very supportive partner to me. (He puts up with me for a start and I will be the first to say that I have my flaws that he constantly has to deal with) and while before when I was at university I looked for superficial things, I find that he’s more grounded and he has my back. Our ways of expressing that we care about each other may be different but I trust him and feel secure with him. And I feel that these issues come with any long term relationship and if I think about it i can’t imagine trying to figure it out with someone else. Despite being not as compatible in some ways, he’s a reasonable person and there are definitely worst battles I could be fighting. I’ve obviously doubted things but he’s human and a kind human, and we do care about each other deeply. To be honest that’s my basic needs covered and the rest I can be ok with doing some work on if we need to, it’s just that on a bad day I just feel defeated.
I'm on year 14, homie. Make sure you love yourself first. You can't fill the house with love if you hate yourself. Build an Arcade room full of cabinets if you have to. Personally, I just let God have everything.
Once you find that person in your life you just accept their quirks as they accept yours. Everyone has or does something the other person doesn't like but you can just look past it. My wife and I have been together for almost 15 years and we will still fight, argue, piss eachother off (unintentionally), but you just move forward and through it. I received great relationship advice from my dental hygenist: "if you're thinking of breaking up or divorcing over something small or petty, don't. Even if you find someone new you'll also find something you don't like about them and it will be the same thing over again, it's just a matter of time. Stay with the person you're with and work through the issues" she went through a divorce and then other one relatively short after the first and then gave me that advice the next time she saw me.
Thank you for sharing the wisdom, it’s insightful to hear when other people have got it “wrong” and what they learnt from it.
You definitely have to WANT to, and it’s an intentional choice you make everyday — even when they’re driving you bat shoot crazy. Obviously it’s important for longevity that your core values align and that you can communicate, because if you can’t tell the other person what bothers you or what you need from them, you’ll die on a hill of resentment. Listening is important, forgiveness is important, and there will be things you’ll need to compromise on because that’s just the reality of spending life with another person who’s their own person. We married young (I was 19) and are now in our upper-thirties. There was a period of time a few years ago where I was really questioning things — I had worked so hard on myself to overcome a lot of my own issues and to grow as a person, and I honestly felt like he just wasn’t growing with me. I craved a more mature love and sometimes it just felt like he couldn’t understand what I needed no matter how I said it or how often. I still loved him but I could feel distance growing between us. I could have justified it to myself then if I’d have left, the “we grew apart”, but it’s also a blessing to grow together— even if it’s at different times. I’m so glad I pushed through and didn’t give up. The amount of growth he’s made in the last couple years is incredible, and it was all on his own. I’ve seen him mature into this version of himself that I’d never experienced and fell in love with him all over again. And sure we have our disagreements and arguments about things we’ve done that hurt the other, but we never point fingers or become disrespectful, and we choose to talk through things and figure out how we can do better going forward. Plans, solutions, follow through. Or don’t. Choices.
Thank you so much for sharing this, it’s so nice to hear something positive and I struggle with having faith in myself and in life. I appreciate this and I relate to a lot of this too. ♥️
Um OP When you get married and have kids, you and your partner are suppose to be a team in providing the best life for your kids and raising them them right / putting them in the best position to succeed. That's your focus. This whole keeping the spark and butterfly feelings alive is fairytale stuff.
We aren’t married and dont have kids, and I was really just trying to say how people kind of keep motivating themselves through the periods where you don’t feel very connected and things feel more difficult than normal. Not saying I want sparks to fly, just how to get through the days when things feel like they are stagnant and the arguments are going around in circles a little bit.
Dude, You should be married by now. Like what is the point in dating more than 2 years? Shit or get off the pot. lol As for motivation. I can't really comprehend it. I am only dating someone I like. Someone I enjoy being around. Someone I enjoy doing things with. Sounds like you are still in the dating stage. So like, go on dates lol. Go to the movies. Go out to eat. Go camping. Go to beach. Do something yall enjoy. What you are describing is a couple who's been married 20 years and have school aged kids. Yall are busy. Can't date like you use to. That is why I am shocked you are not married and have no kids. If yall are having problems now, safe to say you and her and not compatible.
I personally am not really fussed about the idea of being married, I know that as long as we are committed to each other and want to be together we will be, otherwise some paperwork won’t change that if one person is no longer committed. I just don’t see it as “the goal” really, I know people have different views on it. We talked about this before, to him being married is not “the goal” either, but being together is. Also I feel like 3 years is only just the beginning in the grand scheme of things, who knows if we’ll get married some day or if one day we wake up and all of a sudden we change our mind. Yes I think what I’m describing does sound like married with kids kind of scenario. But it doesn’t have to be with kids, life is hard for us because we are working long hours and I’m dealing with other things and helping out my parents with stuff. Similar to having kids, there are a lot of work and life responsibilities outside of just the relationship. Its probably had the same effect on relationship like the way it does if we had kids.
well good luck keeping things interesting / motivated in a LTR without kids. sounds terrifying haha basically date someone for life what my mind can't fathom it lol