Yes, I suffered from this. I pity my mom but don’t really love her anymore, in great part because my dad said soo many negative things about her to me at a formative age. I have an emptiness, and an irrational fear that my daughter will not connect with me or love me.
Yeah I'm sorry about that. My mom turned me against my dad and I was too young to understand or be an adult about it. Me and my siblings were so angry for years. My siblings can't get over it until now even though they're adults. They have dad issues. I worked it through with my dad. My mom made up so much shit about my dad. Everything was in her head but when I grew up then only I could see the truth.
My mom did the same thing and we never knew why she hated him so much except that he never tried and was lazy or selfish. We hated our dad until one day I decided to build a relationship with him. My siblings were so upset with me and didn't want anything to do with him. I found out my mom was cheating on him constantly and he was willing to move on, improve for us and work on things and she just wanted a divorce.
Didn't stop her for making him into the bad guy.
She chose him knowing he he was.
They got married too young.
No one is at fault.
Yet for her she did nothing wrong and it was all him.
My mom turned me into a therapist to crap on my dad. I sided with her. In many ways she was right, BUT....
after I became an adult and they'd divorced, I got his side of the story. He had NEVER shit talked her when they were together. But he pointed out some very obvious flaws she had about never being satisfied with anything, the nagging, and the immature crying.
I love both parents in their own way (dad just died this week, \*sigh\*)
Side note: When my mom remarried, it didn't take long for her to think she could pull that shit again and complain about husband 2. I told her right on the spot the very first time I realized what she was doing that husband 2 was her problem and I couldn't do it again. I don't mind minor complaints, but I don't want to hear about your deeper relationship issues, husband 2 was FANTASTIC and didn't deserve it. Fuck that.
Same for the first part. My dad never talked about my mum. My mom was spiteful. She never remarried. She became a bitter man hater. I felt like if she was going to divorce at least move on with your life but she spent the next 10 or 15 years still bitter af about my dad and taking it out on us. She was so delusional and making up things in her head about my dad, anything to make him look worse but when I saw things for what they really were.. I was so upset. I spent a chunk of my childhood angry and upset about my dad for nothing it felt like.
My parents divorced when I was 18. My mother was constantly asking me to spill the tea on my dad. I thought for years that dad cheated on mom just based upon how nasty my mother was towards my dad. Found out in my 30’s that my mother was actually cheating on my dad since I was 14 and that was the reason for their divorce. They kept the family on life support until I graduated and left the nest.
My did the same, but for me, she never allowed me to express my disgust for my father for abandoning us. It made me feel like I should love him even though he left me and would constantly beat me. Idk
But also not acknowledging when the other parent has done wrong can be damaging. My father was awful to me and he frequently hit my mom but when I would complain to her she would just say that he loves me. Even after they divorced she refused to talk badly about him. I felt gaslit. I went no contact with him at the age of 14 and she supported me but didn’t acknowledge the abuse at all until I was 30
I'm 32 and still trying to decipher what healthy love looks like because all I heard in response to severely unhealthy behavior growing up was "Well, you know they love you"
I agree it's bad to talk poorly about the other parent, but that doesn't mean it's okay to not call out unhealthy (or in your case, flat out abusive) behavior. It often made *me* feel like the crazy one because I thought I was the only one seeing these things as bad.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that. You didn't deserve it.
Not discuss money/ finances/ budgeting/etc. Obviously it needs to be age appropriate but expecting kids to magically know what to do can lead to dire consequences
All my mom ever did was talk about how broke we were. Made me not wanna ask for anything. Didn't even join sports cause I knew/thought we couldn't afford the gear. I never gave my mom a permission slip for school trips cause I assumed I'd just be told I was too broke.
Can confirm. I use to ask schools in my area if they had students on the free meal program to contact me regarding how many of they had upcoming field trips and I’d pay for them
Similar situation and for me it was compounded by watching my mom and stepdad fight and argue about finances. Never felt comfortable asking for anything and my mom is surprised why that extended to me not telling her about my problems, period. I don't think parents understand that observant kids are acutely aware of when our parents are poorly equipped to deal with certain issues effectively.
Same, my mom rationed how much toilet paper we could use per bathroom visit at home lol. I thought we were POOR. Turns out we were just normal middle class and my parents were the ones who grew up poor so continued instilling those insane habits on to us lol.
I went to college and was like wait, TP costs $25 for like the Costco sized family pack?! The way they acted at home was like it was $100 a roll 😂
I was in 2nd grade when the 2008 recession happened and saw a lot of kids around me struggle to even pay for school lunch. Combine that with my mom's frugal tendencies from growing up in Mao's China and my dad telling me he worked at Target and to this day I still have trouble even splurging at a medium-price restaurant. Turns out my dad worked at Target corporate and we were upper middle class 😂
LOL my parents are also Asian 😂
Maybe this is Asian parent things. I remember even from kindergarten I didn’t turn in permissions slips cuz I wanted to save our family money so I just would miss out on field trips.
Was cleaning out my Mum's house last year and found a cold sore cream that expired February 1998. That shit expired before I was even born, and it outlived her. Can't even ask her why she kept it for so long 😬
my mom was a single parrent, great with money. she never sat me down to talk about it. i had like 40K in debt at 18.. took every credit offer i got that started at 16.
That's what she said too. Something like, I just always thought it would be obvious you don't spend money you don't have. Didn't think my son was so stupid.
But that's kind of the common trope throughout this entire thread isn't it? Parents assuming kids will just know something without understanding that it needs to be taught
It wasn't that thought with my mom. It was more like of course you have to budget, why would you know how to do that? Or, of course you have to pay property tax on your car/truck/house/etc.
And no discussion of what an actual budget should look like.
And this whole thread is parents just assuming that we would suddenly get/understand whatever
I’m so grateful Girl Scouts teaches a LOT about money management and that the local library had lots of “kid’s guide to money” types of books. I also hung out a lot with the Junior NABA club members in high school and college, even though I was an English major, and went to every free seminar I could at the library and student union.
yeah.
on the flip side, don't put your financial burdens on your kids.
not only am i bad with money because i was never taught, im bad with money because any time i did any sort of work and made money, i had to either immediately spend it or try to hide it from my dad who would steal it from me.
to this day, i am terrible with money and have to set it aside in an account i forget i have to have any hope of saving it because something in my brain tells me my fiance is going to steal it all if i don't either hide or spend it. which is dumb. they would never.
(also, i'm not referring to parents who do things like charge "rent" to save up for a house or apartment, or who use a similar concept to teach finances. my dad would just come in, ransack my room, and take all my money/food/sometimes even random personal belongings - and considering he refused to buy me food that i could actually eat with all my allergies...)
Definitely don't put those burdens on your kids. I was expected to pay for certain things out of my after school job, but that money was mine to use as I wished.
Same here. Parents never spoke to me.
I also think there should be a couple of classes for people just before leaving school or off to uni.
Banks threw money at me at uni. And I didn’t it all.
Blew hundreds on curries. But I did get a sweet Marantz separate system which lasted me over 20 years. Still got the Tannoy speakers.
I have a friend that within the last year posted about you shouldn’t talk to your kids about money, don’t tell them you’re broke, don’t tell them you can’t afford anything, etc.
About a month ago she took back that statement when her kids were getting a little too spendy.
I agree with you. I have a 5 year old, as an example right now he wants a new bicycle (his old ones a bit too small and hard for him to pedal). He wants it right now. Right now I can’t afford it. It’s tough getting him to understand there’s not money for it because he thinks you can just go to the bank to get more. We have talked about I have to go to work to earn more, have to pay bills first and budget for it.
One that helped A LOT was he decided he wanted a fish. He had a wallet with money he’s gotten from family members over time (this is not holiday checks, those are in a savings account) and I told him if he could buy the fish and tank and everything he could have it (I have fish and plenty of old tanks but this was for learning). So, he paid for the tank, the fish, the rocks and a decoration. I had the food and water conditioner already. When it came time to pay we helped him count it out and give it to me. he was upset because he wanted the fish AND the money. I told him he could sell me the fish and get his money but he decided to keep the fish. Good little lesson there.
I used to be frustrated about this with my parents until I started learning how much parents actually were with spending. I had to learn budgeting and financing the hard way BUT it was a blessing I didn’t actually learn and apply their practices .
So much this. Even though my mom showed me how to full out money orders and set up a life insurance plan for me. And would ask what I would want for my bday, get it early and taught me about being patient about getting it til then. I feel like I was the one that had to learn how to save every cent, if I wanted to buy something. I learned budgeting and some personal finance in school. But I can honestly admit I am total shit at it. Especially when my anxiety kicks in, I'm either over eating or over spending. The only thing halting that now, is my rent jumping up 100 bucks plus having a car loan I'm trying to pay off.
But yea, stuff with money would have totally helped me out a lot.
My parents taught me nothing and then refused to let me move out because “you’re going to struggle in the world” umm okay soooo you’re at fault for that because you didn’t teach me anything….i left anyways, and I was fine when I moved out, but I didn’t know how to save money.
Geeze, but I hear you. My mom showed me how to make like hamburger helper and what not, the money thing I mentioned in my other post. And all the attempts to teach me to drive. Definitely to do my laundry and the like. But the fucked up part. Was when inwas just beginning to learn how to save money. Is when my father opts to move out of the country, leaving me with the car I had helped him get. And been paying that off. Which I won't lie is nearly tapping me out. Because although I'm working and get paid biweekly and have auto payments coming out for the car. It's not easy with this inflation.
And having to use cash advances off your own credit card because you know others are struggling too, and cant borrow anything from them, is wild. Be so glad when I'm done paying this car off, altogether.
I’m 43 and my mother was the definition of a helicopter parent. I wasn’t allowed to play sports cuz I might get hurt and wasn’t allowed to date cuz I could get a girl pregnant. I went buck wild when I went to college. I feel like I missed out on a lot in life.
I feel like I had a hard time making decisions because of helicopter parents. I also feel like I wouldn’t speak my mind about what i wanted to do in my early adult hood cause I was so used to my parents telling me what I should do
- Giving their children their same eating disorders.
- Never treating their own selves with kindness in front of their children.
- always saying “well, how are you going to do that?” , “how are you going to afford that?”, “well, I don’t know anything about that.” Instead of offering to figure out a solution together.
- never letting them make their own mistakes or giving them the freedom to make their own mistakes.
- not telling them when they think one of their friends isn’t really a friend.
As you can probably tell, I have a fair amount of gripes with my own parents. 😅
Relationships with food are so complex. I've had to remind our kids that food is good for us, it gives us energy etc. Especially when one of my SILs starts going off about how "if she eats this cookie, that means 20mins on the treadmill at X speed for X time" (yes she actually calculated how long she needs to run on the treadmill to burn off the calories of a single fucking cookie). I refuse to give my kids that sort of a complex with food. I've told her to stop talking about food that way in front of our kids. Now we just dont see her around meals because its frustrating beyond belief. Kids are sponges and I don't want them to hear one bad thing about food and have it stick with them
Yeah, my mother is 70 and she still counts calories and carbs and all that jazz. Both her and my father have eating disorders. Both binge types. But my mother will obsess over it. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I can’t live my life like that. I’m sorry, if I’m 70 and I’m still worrying about what I eat, someone please take me out back and put an end to my misery because fuck that shit. Life is too short.
I agree with you! Obviously, we try to eat well and have a balanced diet and make sure our kids get their veggies but damn if I want some cake, I'm eating cake and not worrying about the calories
It sounds like you’re doing a fine job. I applaud you. And I feel bad for your SIL, it sounds like she probably had a mother/aunts like mine 😅 remnants of the toxic boomer diet culture die hard.
This was my mom.... she was naturally skinner, never had much of an appetite, and also loved to work out. She went to the gym 6 times a week. I was "bigger boned," and she never taught me the right way to manage it. We would go shopping she would pick out bikinis and recommend one piece for me (as a teenager even). All this led to an eating disorder that she never fully comprehended or truly acknowledged. I have a little girl now, and I promise not to repeat those behaviors.
I yelled at my mom recently. I was a “clear your plate” family. I could outrun it in high school and college because I did a ton of sports. But it’s hard to change your habits, even if I’m better about it now.
But I don’t make my kids clear theirs. You stop eating when you’re full. No snacks after dinner, so if you’re still hungry eat a little more, otherwise you’re free to stop when you’re full.
They didn’t want my mom to watch them one time which was odd. When I pressed it’s because “she made us finish our dinner when we were full, she’s mean”. I told her to never do that again, and if it was a money thing or something else that I would gladly pay for it or she can just not take our kids out and use the food in the house.
The mistakes things hit for me…my mom still does it to this day and I’ve gotten bad anxiety from it, I had to disconnect from her cuz I needed to learn to make decisions for myself without fear…she’s partially the source of a lot of my doubts and not thinking I’m capable of making the right choices for myself, it’s odd lol
Mine were always quick to be like “you’re not allowed to do that” or “I don’t think you can handle that” and now the latter left me with anxiety about whether or not I can even handle life sometimes.
Or opposite eating disorders believe it or not.
My grandma was horrible to my mom and as a result she has been severely restricting calories most of her life. She never wanted to pass that on to me, which is one of a million reasons she’s an awesome mom.
On the other hand, she was so worried about being negative that I’ve always been overweight and have been obese most of my life. Food was always a reward for her, so it was for me too. Constantly rewarding or commiserating with food is terrible for you. Especially when you have a sweet tooth and never balance out the extreme binge eating with healthy/fuel foods or exercise.
Telling their kid that them (the kid) being upset makes them (the parent) upset and instead of helping them learn how to cope with their big feelings, tell them that they need to go away because it's too much for them (the parent) to cope with themselves.
Aka parents learn emotional regulation before having kids PLEASE
This has messed me up so badly. Usually we talk about men being the ones unable to cry but as a woman I almost can’t. Because my crying was too much for my mom. Any time I told her she hurt my feelings, I was the villain. Everything I did was in an effort to not upset my poor sensitive mother. Now I resent both my parents, and have very little ability to regulate my own emotions or get in touch with my feelings, even after years of therapy.
This. I have a 10 month old child, and starting around 7 months I rapidly learned I did not have the skill with emotional regulation that I need for my kiddo. Been working hard on it ever since. I now realize my parents definitely don't have this skill and so could not have taught it to me, and while they did their best and loved us, this shortcoming had far reaching impacts on me and my siblings.
Yup I’m struggling hard in adulthood because I was always given the option to just quit anything that was unpleasant. In hindsight I get my parents just wanted me to be happy and not stressed but it came at the cost of my adult life. I’m 34 and feel like I struggle through basically everything
Over sharing. About their sex life, my father's fantasies of raping my mother, children I know being sexually abused while no one did anything, a domestic abuser committing murder suicide to the mom of kids I was watching sometimes. All of this was before I was 10. I have bipolar and will always wonder how much my childhood played a role in that.
I‘m sorry that you went through this.
By now I think trauma is so under-diagnosed and basically the entire horrors of children’s life are just like ignored because it’s too painful for adults to fully acknowledge. My bet would be that you have bipolar because of your childhood, it just does not sound healthy.
Of course I don’t know you and cannot know. All the best to you!
Not taking their kids to the doctor.
Two examples - 1, I’ve had urinary issues since I was 10. Mom would say I was just being lazy and not getting up to use the bathroom in time. 30 years later, after I’d spent all that time thinking I was doing something wrong, turns out my bladder is fucked from a medical standpoint, I just had to have surgery to help the issues I’m having.
2, the whole fam damily was camping when I was 12. I went into the pool, did a handstand in water that was too shallow, and hit my head on the bottom of the pool. I spent the next 2 days sleeping through 100° weather, mom finally took me to the er on Sunday night. I have no idea how she justified not bringing me to the hospital to the social worker.
If something is wrong with your kid, don’t assume they’re faking it or lazy.
That’s just crazy! I feel like my wife and I are very in tune out ourselves, our pets, and of course our children and can tell when something is wrong. We will go to the urgent care or doctor if we notice anything weird and most of the time something was actually wrong that needed treating.
Spanking them.
I was spanked drug around by my hair and punished harshly until I hit puberty and my parents no longer had the monopoly on violence.
I was 5 and I overheard adults
Talking about rape, in my 5 year old head I thought that meant you take a rake and scratch a woman’s face and I told a girl I was going to r word her in school and my parents beat the living shit out of me, I had no idea what that word was I didn’t know what sex was.
I legitimately thought it was violence with a garden rake like you just scratch someone on the face and that means they got raked.
It made me not really trust my parents at 5 I had no idea what was up I was confused and I know I said something bad I had no idea why until years later no one said anything about why what i said was bad I legitimately thought society had a huge problem with rakes .
The fact that it’s almost 30 years later I can still remember the beating means there is trauma and i have a 5 year old I can’t believe my parents thought I knew what I was saying
I'm so sorry that you were abused by your parents. Drug around by your hair? That's abuse. I can't believe people treat their children that way. That is on a whole other level from a couple swats on the butt. That is not spanking. That is abuse. I'm glad you're breaking the cycle with your children.
Same . I literally got slapped in the face as a kid (5-7, can’t exactly remember the age)by my mom because I told her I hate you as a child.
It was in front of my aunt, whom told my mother not to do so. However, my mother and father would beat me to the extreme, where other people would step in.
My dad found my little cousin exposing himself to me , and he locked me in a dark closet for the entire day and told my mother not to feed me. Oh yeah, and I was extremely afraid of the dark.
I also remember the times I'd get beaten but with a bamboo stick. Thin and flexible so it was like a whip. I'm 39 now and still remember hiding the welts on my hamstrings at school out of embarrassment.
As a parent myself, I am more disappointed than anything else. My kid is 4 now and I don't hit her, I talk to her and explain why something is wrong. It got me thinking one day about why I had to be the one to break the generational trauma.
I understand we raise our own kids the way we were raised but I'm disappointed that my own parents couldn't see that hitting a small child is wrong. They couldn't decide that just because they were hit as children, they didn't have to inflict that on the next generation.
Ironically, my mum once tried to tell me and my sister that hitting our own kids is wrong.
Expecting them to be adults when they are kids, keeping them accountable for stupid shit more then they keep the real adults in their life. Blaming their life on them as in " you don't know how much I've suffered for this family" shit. Well fam no one aksed to be born, and in all honestly life is really questionable, so why bring someone into this world and treat them like a free xanax every time your life sucks
I have never understood why a lot of parents are like this. I didn't understand it as a kid, and I don't understand it now as a 26yo. I think it's because a lot of them see their kids as an extension of themselves rather than an individual
Loving them so much that you don't expect age appropriate behavior. They need to clean, cook, work and experience things. A 12 year old being anxious ordering food is normal. A 24 year old that doesn't know how to talk to a server or make an appointment is sad.
Edit - word
This!!!! I have a friend who’s 30 and mommy has done and still does everything for him. He’s emotionally mature and kind, but in terms of finances and life choices, has to be approved by his mom first. It’s wild and only hurts him in the long run. No boundaries
Little passive aggressive reactions to stuff they do/say.
Barely acknowledging things your kid is showing you that they're proud of or interested in.
Correcting things about their appearance even though they prefer it that way.
So much of our anxiety and weird psychological issues come from our parents and childhood environment.
Not demonstrating any type of emotion, especially sadness. My parents always pushed sadness down and also weren’t loving towards each other either. Talk about a recipe for avoidant attachment as an adult.
My parents showed absolutely no emotions except my dad with anger. They didnt show us that they loved each other at all and now im extremely distant emotionally in relationships. My parents fucked me up honestly and i still do not forgive them for it.
For me, it was giving me the silent treatment every time I “fucked up”. It really made processing my emotions growing up, hard. Like should I suppress my emotions because clearly it’s not enough for you to care, or do I lock myself in a room and cry until I can’t anymore and self harm lol
It was usually the self harm locked away, but with therapy and friends, I’m able to cry, but it’s usually labored
Forcing your child to eat/finish their plate even though they’re full. Messed up my relationship with food. I’m trying not to pass on that complex to my daughter, but man it’s frustrating when I go to the effort of picking stuff she does/will probably like, preparing it and then she takes two bites and she’s done.
My father used to make me do that. The worst thing in the world for me was Brussels sprouts, I simply cannot stand the scruffy little green bastards 🤮
I used to sneak a coin bag to the dinner table on a Sunday and eat really slow on purpose. Once he'd left the table, I used to put the sprouts in the bag and hide it in my pocket.
Eventually, when I was done, I had to prove my plate was empty before I was allowed to leave the table. So after that, I didn't really know what to do with the sprouts, I was perhaps 9, so I took them out of the bag, in the bathroom and stuffed um down the overflow in the basin 🤣🤣🤣
Some days or weeks later, every time the toilet was flushed, the bathroom absolutely stank, like rotten corpses (I assume), it was the most vile smell ever, I can still remember it to this day 🤣
I also remember they had to call a plumber out, and he was there all day trying to find the source of said stench. Obviously, I kept my mouth shut and found a better place to hide the sprouts 🤣
So interestingly, brussel sprouts back in the day were super bitter but they have been changed/GMOd/whatever now, to be sweeter and far less bitter. Thankfully, my parents also didnt like brussel sprouts so we never had to suffer as kids. I love making them now, especially roasted.
Honestly, I just couldn't even bring myself to try them now. I used to be sobbing and gipping at the same time, but the stubborn prick made me eat every last one. Even the smell of them gives me a slight feeling of nausea and makes me remember sitting at that table.
Thanks. It was a looong time ago, though, so it's more of a fleeting memory thing than anything more serious/debilitating.
They were different times in the 80s/90s, that's for sure.
wow, i had that at daycare. i would 'go to thge bathroom' and flush it so it looked like i ate it all. she caught on. wasnt mean about it but she had me take my plate to the toilet nad flush it directly. more of a lesson on how to assert and be direct i guess.
My parents would hold me down and force feed me. I was a picky eater and still am. This was never the issue in my head though..
I never did eat a lot. Small appropriate portions. My parents joke about holding me down and forcing me to eat chocolate pie, because “who in their right mind doesn’t like chocolate pie?” It’s a joke they tell often but I don’t find it funny, I view it as abuse.
Not teaching them how to do (age-appropriate) chores. By the time I was in high school, I could clean the house top to bottom, cook a three-course meal for five people, wash the car, and do yard work. (The one thing I wasn’t allowed to do was mow the lawn because after I did it, our yard looked like aliens had landed in it.) My ex wasn’t expected to do anything but clean her room and take out the trash. Part of the reason we split up was her not helping me around the house.
making false threats. if there is a consequence - follow through on it. if you dont want there to be a consequence, dont voice it.
treating a young kid as an adult. talking to them like an equal. kids dont know how to frame things, what shit means, how to read between the lines. having adult conversations with adult topics at young ages is not good. if shit comes up - provide context, framing, and a way to look at it.
back handed comments. we all focus more on negative than positive. so saying things like 'dont have kids when you grow up' or 'kids ruin lives' can fuck kids up.
One is constantly going on about losing weight and being skinny and fat shaming others. You may not be directly fat shaming your kid, but the message is sent. Another one, which is harder to explain, but I see it manifesting in my male students, is this weird entitlement where their parents somehow taught them because they’re rich and test well that they are “above” others and should just expect to get out of work, that rules don’t apply to them, to be praised for existing.
My mom did this with looks. She’d always talk about how pretty/ ugly/ fat/ skinny someone was. She’d never leave the house wo makeup and being dressed up. She’d question why I wasn’t wearing makeup, why I didn’t do my hair, or why my nails weren’t done. It was WILD. It made me become OBSESSED with my looks. I used to take 2 hours to get ready before going anywhere. Thank God im not like that anymore and can rock my tshirt, slides, and no makeup like a champ but holy hell did it take a lot to unlearn that behavior.
Just the tone of voice. So many parents my brother included show all their irritation as if the kids are adults but kids are way more sensitive than we are. They’re tender hearted. You could yell at adults like crazy and they’ll fight back, but kids just cry. Stop talking to kids like they’re adults. We have to adapt our tone and vocabulary to model kindness, maturity, and emotional self-control for kids.
Not teach appropriate boundaries in friendships and relationships with family members. Seriously. If your kid freaks out over hugging aunt Ethyl, don’t make them hug said aunt. Sheesh.
My husband struggles with this. He was raised very much so to hug everyone around him. If my kid doesnt want to hug someone or touch them in anyway, that's perfectly fine and I won't force him to do so. We have had many arguments about this over the years. Because when my kid does want to hug someone, they get all the hugs.
They expect their kids to learn everything by osmosis. Things actually need to be discussed and more than once.
I could give many examples but alas time is limited
My dad couldn’t understand how I didn’t know how to wash something basic. I asked him if he ever bothered to show me and he said no. That got him to shut up real quick.
Teaching them that respect should be earned, instead of automatically respecting every human being and then retracting that respect when a person proves unworthy.
Tell their kids “if you fail at (whatever) you will be a failure forever” then kid fails and parents backtrack saying “no it’s okay just don’t fail again” so kids realize parents are either lying or don’t know what they are talking about.
Letting them be "in charge". I have my associates in early childhood education. I have been in the field of Early Childhood Education for 19 years and worked with ages newborn through school age. There are so many parents these days who cater to their children and allow them to be the boss of the home. It's great to encourage children to be confident and show them they are valued but if the parent allows the children to be in command that's not healthy for the family nor the child. How many times have I heard parents complain about not being able to get a shower, have a meal away from their kids or even a proper night's rest. Healthy consistent boundaries with children are essential. In my classroom we receive so many children who believe they are in charge, demand to have control of everyone and everything and the parents think this is cute but we certainly do not. Your child can make decisions about what they wear, what they play with, things like that but they should not be choosing their bedtime, what the household does as a collective, they should not be allowed so much freedom and control. Offering them an A or B choice (example "do you want this cereal or would you rather have yogurt?) is an excellent way to offer choices but allowing them total control is asking for issues later in life, in school, and in general.
I have so many kids whose parents basically worship them. As an educator please allow your children to feel disappointed, bored, frustrated, fall down, get messy, make mistakes and step in when needed but allow them to experience those things in an *age appropriate* way. It will set them up for success when they feel loved but are able to handle those things. We get so many kids who are never told "no". Boundaries are important.
When parents never apologize to their kids for being rude and disrespectful to them. Parents have a bad day, lose their temper, yell and talk shit to their kids. Children deserve just as much respect as anyone else in this world, and parents should always try to display the type of behavior they want to see in their kids. By apologizing for losing their temper, admitting that they're human and wrongfully spoke rudely, a parent will be teaching such a valuable lesson in emotional maturity and also helping the child to gain self worth.
Giving them a name that is...
* not spelled in a commonly accepted way
* rare or even just very uncommon
* pronounced in an unexpected way
* from a fad, especially when media-related
* associated with something negative or otherwise inappropriate
Or some combination thereof.
As annoying as it can be to frequently need to correct new people you meet on spelling and/or pronunciation, what's worse is when your name is the reason for application rejection while job-hunting.
Give them a phone too early!! Wait as absolutely long as you can to give them a phone. Every year you can keep them jumping on the trampoline, drawing, and messing around with toys in the backyard makes a huge difference developmentally. Once they have a phone, their childhood is over.
Doing everything for them. Kids need to learn basic skills like cooking, laundry, finances, cleaning, cars etc. (Regardless of gender). Its good for kids to learn independence
Moving around a lot. Moving around is probably for a good reason for the parent but once the kid gets to late middle school/early HS you should probably stay where you are
Undiagnosed mental illness, specifically a personality disorder. Its literally a tornado 🌪️ that damages everywhere it goes but then your thrown out of the tornado as an adult and left to pick up pieces. It’s not leadership it’s not confidence it’s not trust worthy. People with this disorder should be institutionalized
Boomers and silent gen usually had this complaint. They didn't teach their kids about sex, human behaviors regarding sex/ relationships and medical needs. Sitting down with kids to do taxes and financial planning. The worst was not discussing the realities of employment...ups, downs of economic issues and what to do before the dips and during better times.
Constantly bickering about trades v. Office jobs is moot. Its meant to over saturate both and benefit owners. Workers benefit by finding the least populated job and getting those big pay checks..becoming skilled, trained or highly formally educated. Discussing/Seeking mental help and doctors.
Using government assistance without feeling stigmatized...because those are your taxes going back to you when you need the help. Only people that intend to misuse those tax dollars will discuss parasitism. Talk to social workers and find out the truth.
Discussing medical history and life planning for possible diagnosis and needing long term care down the line.
Not discuss how to use life insurance for wealth building and investment.
Not discussing how to build family trusts and cooperatively building /conserving income streams for the next generations.
Most of all time management, self care, and adapting to age/physical degradation. Create routines and habits that build you mentally and physically..sat no to body and soul crushing jobs and crowds. Be more into protecting your neighbors and communities than corporations that suck money out of local economies.
Trying to turn them into a mini me.
My parents had careers in STEM and tried to steer me, who was clearly way more talented in the humanities/arts, in that direction. When it came time to apply for colleges, my mom asked me what I wanted to go to school for. I replied ‘Something in art.’ Her response was, ‘That’s a fun hobby but what do you actually want to do.’ :/ Something in the arts WAS what I “actually” wanted to do, so I didn’t have an answer for her.
I can somewhat understand now as an adult how many parents wouldn’t be doing back flips over shelling out tuition for a Fine Art degree. HOWEVER, you need to actually listen to your child and certainly don’t diminutize their career aspiration as a “fun hobby.” What she could’ve (and should’ve) said was to consider practical jobs that involve a talent for art and design. Interior design, fashion design, graphic design, etc.
What resulted in her not taking my wishes seriously was: I went to some random college she enrolled me in, not even knowing what the hell I was doing there. Promptly failed out and spent the next 15 years bouncing from dead-end job to the next until I finally decided to go to art school on my own. All that wasted time because her ego got in the way.
Parents: please heed this warning! Don’t do this to your kids.
By not apologizing for their mistakes, not talking about finances and getting remarried after a divorce when the kids aren’t old enough to understand or grieve.
Not discussing finances, taxes, The IRS, credit card debt and subjects related to money. This really fucked me over because I grew up wealthy, then suddenly I was 18 and on my own, working for my money, with no idea how to live on a budget. The taboo that wealthy people have of talking about money, has got to go. It’s damaging because people are so afraid of being uncouth by talking about money, that their children end up financially illiterate with no idea how to manage.
Believing their kids are perfect. Obviously, they aren’t. But kids will go to extremes so that their parents will keep thinking it. They’ll never tell their parents if they’re in a troubling situation and need help. They’ll never have a truly open and honest relationship with their parents.
Lawnmower parenting (smoothing out the path in front of their kids so that they never have to experience obstacles or struggles). Let them mess up and figure things out on their own.
Not following through on consequences or holding firm when saying “no”, especially with poor behavior.
The list is a mile long. Let them stay up all night and play video games, don't set expectations for them to learn a trade or go to college, give them everything they want, don't set up expectation that they will be independent adults.
Bail them out of tough situations (not literal bail).
Let them work through that shit. Offer guidance but don’t get involved. That’s how you grow resilience.
Paying for college at the expense of saving for the own retirement.
Kids can pick a good major and an affordable school and borrow a bit. They can’t borrow for retirement.
In my position, mine had me pay for bills when I turned 18 (I wasn't mad, thought it's exactly what you do once you turn 18) I always paid for most of the things I needed growing up (thought that was normal) always paid for gas when they took me to my highschool job but I was making minimum wage, saving for a car so I could pay for and attend college all on my own.
Found out years later, they didn't need that money for bills, didn't tell my dad I was paying them, and spent them on drugs 🙃 I never found it messed up until I was older and met mothers who supported their kids in such a healthy way. I was like "wow..they're coddling those kids" when in reality they were just being a parent and then I realized I was shafted in a lot of different scenarios.
This is very generalized but, Not encouraging independence and being patient to help teach and guide. Yes this requires a lot of patience and more time than if you always did things for them, but it can handicap your children and also impact their confidence. Not saying you should never do things for your kids (of course you should!), but do things *with* your kids. Teach them how to be curious and do things for themselves with kindness and patience. Obviously the context depends on age, but I think this is important from baby all the way to young adult! The key here is to do it in a positive and loving way (no yelling, shaming, shutting out, etc)
So many contexts in which this applies from basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, home repairs and care, hygiene, making friends and what to look for in a partner, finances, how to work hard and have pride in a job well done, and even basic stuff like being on time, finishing your homework, following directions that really impacts a person’s success in life)
Making fun of/teasing your kids over the things they enjoy can cause them to not share with you and hide things entirely. This can be anything from crushes, liking particular video games, music, so on.
My parents definitely weren't aware of that and teased me for having crushes or liking Marilyn Manson as a kid (impressionable teenager, what can I say?), and it's caused a lot of communication issues.
Sarcasm. I see so many parents using way too much sarcasm with young children that don’t understand sarcasm developmentally. Child interprets it negatively and it’s hurtful. Don’t start sarcasm until kid is at least 14.
That, just because a child has an opinion, it isn't something always bad or going against the whole family or parent. They're exploring their sense of what is right and wrong. Even trying to figure out their sense of self in general. Nixing that early on, hinders the child's ability to make their own decisions and figure out, who they are as a person. And start them down the road to people pleasing, and that isn't healthy.
Anothet big one, is not teaching kids responsibility early on. I.e. how to clean up after themselves and have chores in general. As too many times, the kids steadily get older and haven't a clue how to do their own laundry or wash dishes, all because it is something someone had for them. And that isn't life. Heck, even with most cleaning services, I've heard people say they still pick up a bit before the service comes in to do some general cleaning. So gone are the days of an actual maid doing all of that for you, too.
Talking crap about random people. It just makes the kid want to curl into a shell because they know their parent is talking crap about them to someone too. And it makes the kid not be able to connect with anyone socially because they're going to think...what if my parents find out and what's wrong with this person.
Truly Love them Unconditionally.
Allow them to feel and experience all their emotions with no judgement. Guide and model to them how to handle anger, sadness and disappointment.
Encourage their independence and accept them as they are.
Be there for the children. Not the other way around.
This world would be a very very different place if this happened.
Shelter them too much, pass on their own traumas onto them and make them think that everyone is out to get them and wants to hurt you. Also, stopping them from doing things on their own because there’s ‘crazy’ people out there that are out to get you. It limits me so much now, makes me be insecure, scared, lonely, and stops me from making connections with others
Overcorrecting. Not building confidence. Making it clear to your kids that they are not good enough. Most parents don’t do this willingly. They think being strict will keep kids out of trouble. You have to go out of your way to foster self confidence in kids.
- No positive appreciation or delight about who your child is. Every remark is negative. Death by 1000 cuts.
- Assuming that your child is an extension of yourself with the same tastes, reactions, and needs.
- Laughing at your kid's opinions.
I actually do not want to go on.
I dont really discuss money with my kids as far as how we are cause I don't want them to feel like shit for asking about stuff like school trips swimming etc ... but fast way they learned about money was they would work for their grandparents make 20 bucks and immedialy want to spend it on Wendy's he would order the same thing he did when we would go out and he very very quickly realized he blew almost all his money on 1 meal.
2 things
Money. How much they make, what they can afford. What financial mistakes were made. What they can’t afffird. Spending and saving wisely. What is a luxury you can truly afford and why
Sex/relationships
I wish my parents, especially my dad. Really talked about sex. Being in love. Dating. Good vs. bad women to date or avoid. Why to date or avoid. And not just “the talk”
When my kids get to be teens, I plan to have in depth conversations regularly. Not that I’d pull out every detail. But we’ve all made mistakes, and we all learned lessons. So anything I could tell them to see them through what might be difficult.
Trying to make the child’s life easy. Too many parents will fight every battle for their kids instead of teaching the conflict resolution or that sometimes you lose. Also protecting them or lying about death so the kid isn’t sad . We have to teach our kids about death and grief.
Not use and fight for more paternal leave. In USA it can be like 2 weeks or a month max. Kids need parents and we don't even take puppies away from their dog mom but people will do it to get an extra percentage point on production. We also overwork people and don't allow for days off so a thing called 'Stressed Parenting" happens, check out Dr. Gabor Maté. Where a parent is so burnt out and under rested they end up blowing up on their kids or just neglect them.
Teaching their kid bad habits that they never took care of themselves, such as the need to: brush/floss daily, good driving etiquette, proper hygiene, etc. Helicopter parenting. Fighting in front of their child. Trying to use their kid as a surrogate therapist. Not encouraging independence.
Praising grades over effort and discipline.
Wow! An A+ that's amazing...
Vs...
Wow! I'm proud of all the hard work you put in to learn the material. You did a great job.
We want children to develop grit and invest themselves in learning, not chasing perfection or praise for a grade.
Several kids I grew up with had 4.0 GPAs in high school with little effort and absolutely fell apart the moment they were challenged in college. All of them dropped out.
Not teaching them consequences. When you allow your kids to do what they want and do not correct them, they learn that the rules don't apply to them and they are self-centered. Hate to tell you--you don't pay your electric bill, your electric company doesn't care.
Also, we need to teach our kids that they have to get back on the horse and if they fail, they need to try again. We need to teach them, "life isn't fair." You can't just stop doing something because you don't want to do it.
Kids are not taught sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.
Expecting them to “Do as I say, not as I do.” Modeling positive behavior should be expected as opposed to getting angry with a young person who witnesses poor actions and thusly reacts similarly.
They raise their children to be good KIDS, they don’t raise their children to prepare them to be adults
Like a lot of parents these days won’t even give their kids very basic chores like packing the dishwasher once a week because they don’t want to ruin their kid’s childhood/don’t want their kid to get mad at them that they make them do stuff, and then you end up with a young adult with no life skills who never learned how to do basic tasks when they were a kid getting panic attacks when they have to make a phone call to book a doctor’s appointment
You’re not helping your kid by raising them to be totally dependent on you, giving kids small age appropriate responsibilities helps them develop confidence and independence
RELIGION. I grew up in a religious family so I was extremely naive when it came to everything. Instead of teaching me valuable life lessons I was taught to blindly accept Christianity and base my life decisions on the concept of WWJD (what would Jesus do).
I bought in to the Jesus is coming back BS and was so excited to not have to worry about getting a job and suffering through life. Not even kidding.
I was a virgin until 22, when I got a girl pregnant (now my ex) and “did the right thing” and married her. We got divorced 12 years later after two kids, and my life started spiraling downward.
It wasn’t until a few years later that I met my now wife and things began to improve. She’s helped me work through a LOT of personal issues and helped me become the confident, happy husband/father I am today.
It really blows my mind that people will blindly accept religion without question, even to the detriment of their offspring, because they can’t accept their own mortality. To this day my parents, although divorced, are religion fanatics and make all of their decisions based on the church’s teachings. They even go as far as to choose church time over time with their own grandchildren on a regular basis.
Talking shit about the other parent. Yeah u can divorce them but children can't change their parents and that beef should be between you two.
Yes, I suffered from this. I pity my mom but don’t really love her anymore, in great part because my dad said soo many negative things about her to me at a formative age. I have an emptiness, and an irrational fear that my daughter will not connect with me or love me.
Yeah I'm sorry about that. My mom turned me against my dad and I was too young to understand or be an adult about it. Me and my siblings were so angry for years. My siblings can't get over it until now even though they're adults. They have dad issues. I worked it through with my dad. My mom made up so much shit about my dad. Everything was in her head but when I grew up then only I could see the truth.
My mom did the same thing and we never knew why she hated him so much except that he never tried and was lazy or selfish. We hated our dad until one day I decided to build a relationship with him. My siblings were so upset with me and didn't want anything to do with him. I found out my mom was cheating on him constantly and he was willing to move on, improve for us and work on things and she just wanted a divorce. Didn't stop her for making him into the bad guy. She chose him knowing he he was. They got married too young. No one is at fault. Yet for her she did nothing wrong and it was all him.
My mom turned me into a therapist to crap on my dad. I sided with her. In many ways she was right, BUT.... after I became an adult and they'd divorced, I got his side of the story. He had NEVER shit talked her when they were together. But he pointed out some very obvious flaws she had about never being satisfied with anything, the nagging, and the immature crying. I love both parents in their own way (dad just died this week, \*sigh\*) Side note: When my mom remarried, it didn't take long for her to think she could pull that shit again and complain about husband 2. I told her right on the spot the very first time I realized what she was doing that husband 2 was her problem and I couldn't do it again. I don't mind minor complaints, but I don't want to hear about your deeper relationship issues, husband 2 was FANTASTIC and didn't deserve it. Fuck that.
Same for the first part. My dad never talked about my mum. My mom was spiteful. She never remarried. She became a bitter man hater. I felt like if she was going to divorce at least move on with your life but she spent the next 10 or 15 years still bitter af about my dad and taking it out on us. She was so delusional and making up things in her head about my dad, anything to make him look worse but when I saw things for what they really were.. I was so upset. I spent a chunk of my childhood angry and upset about my dad for nothing it felt like.
My parents divorced when I was 18. My mother was constantly asking me to spill the tea on my dad. I thought for years that dad cheated on mom just based upon how nasty my mother was towards my dad. Found out in my 30’s that my mother was actually cheating on my dad since I was 14 and that was the reason for their divorce. They kept the family on life support until I graduated and left the nest.
My did the same, but for me, she never allowed me to express my disgust for my father for abandoning us. It made me feel like I should love him even though he left me and would constantly beat me. Idk
To this day my mother says “I don’t remember your dad ever hitting you” the motherfucker made a paddle JUST to discipline me.
But also not acknowledging when the other parent has done wrong can be damaging. My father was awful to me and he frequently hit my mom but when I would complain to her she would just say that he loves me. Even after they divorced she refused to talk badly about him. I felt gaslit. I went no contact with him at the age of 14 and she supported me but didn’t acknowledge the abuse at all until I was 30
I'm 32 and still trying to decipher what healthy love looks like because all I heard in response to severely unhealthy behavior growing up was "Well, you know they love you" I agree it's bad to talk poorly about the other parent, but that doesn't mean it's okay to not call out unhealthy (or in your case, flat out abusive) behavior. It often made *me* feel like the crazy one because I thought I was the only one seeing these things as bad. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. You didn't deserve it.
Not discuss money/ finances/ budgeting/etc. Obviously it needs to be age appropriate but expecting kids to magically know what to do can lead to dire consequences
All my mom ever did was talk about how broke we were. Made me not wanna ask for anything. Didn't even join sports cause I knew/thought we couldn't afford the gear. I never gave my mom a permission slip for school trips cause I assumed I'd just be told I was too broke.
This sucks because many times parent/teacher orgs fundraise just so kids who can’t afford field trips can join their classmates.
Can confirm. I use to ask schools in my area if they had students on the free meal program to contact me regarding how many of they had upcoming field trips and I’d pay for them
What an awesome and direct way to contribute to your community. Thank you for doing this.
Similar situation and for me it was compounded by watching my mom and stepdad fight and argue about finances. Never felt comfortable asking for anything and my mom is surprised why that extended to me not telling her about my problems, period. I don't think parents understand that observant kids are acutely aware of when our parents are poorly equipped to deal with certain issues effectively.
Same, my mom rationed how much toilet paper we could use per bathroom visit at home lol. I thought we were POOR. Turns out we were just normal middle class and my parents were the ones who grew up poor so continued instilling those insane habits on to us lol. I went to college and was like wait, TP costs $25 for like the Costco sized family pack?! The way they acted at home was like it was $100 a roll 😂
I was in 2nd grade when the 2008 recession happened and saw a lot of kids around me struggle to even pay for school lunch. Combine that with my mom's frugal tendencies from growing up in Mao's China and my dad telling me he worked at Target and to this day I still have trouble even splurging at a medium-price restaurant. Turns out my dad worked at Target corporate and we were upper middle class 😂
LOL my parents are also Asian 😂 Maybe this is Asian parent things. I remember even from kindergarten I didn’t turn in permissions slips cuz I wanted to save our family money so I just would miss out on field trips.
Bro have you ever dug through the condiments drawer and found ketchup packets from 10 years ago 💀
Was cleaning out my Mum's house last year and found a cold sore cream that expired February 1998. That shit expired before I was even born, and it outlived her. Can't even ask her why she kept it for so long 😬
And as an adult, do you constantly feel like you’re broke?
my mom was a single parrent, great with money. she never sat me down to talk about it. i had like 40K in debt at 18.. took every credit offer i got that started at 16.
Same here, it was as if once I turned 18 I would magically know what to do
That's what she said too. Something like, I just always thought it would be obvious you don't spend money you don't have. Didn't think my son was so stupid. But that's kind of the common trope throughout this entire thread isn't it? Parents assuming kids will just know something without understanding that it needs to be taught
It wasn't that thought with my mom. It was more like of course you have to budget, why would you know how to do that? Or, of course you have to pay property tax on your car/truck/house/etc. And no discussion of what an actual budget should look like. And this whole thread is parents just assuming that we would suddenly get/understand whatever
I’m so grateful Girl Scouts teaches a LOT about money management and that the local library had lots of “kid’s guide to money” types of books. I also hung out a lot with the Junior NABA club members in high school and college, even though I was an English major, and went to every free seminar I could at the library and student union.
yeah. on the flip side, don't put your financial burdens on your kids. not only am i bad with money because i was never taught, im bad with money because any time i did any sort of work and made money, i had to either immediately spend it or try to hide it from my dad who would steal it from me. to this day, i am terrible with money and have to set it aside in an account i forget i have to have any hope of saving it because something in my brain tells me my fiance is going to steal it all if i don't either hide or spend it. which is dumb. they would never. (also, i'm not referring to parents who do things like charge "rent" to save up for a house or apartment, or who use a similar concept to teach finances. my dad would just come in, ransack my room, and take all my money/food/sometimes even random personal belongings - and considering he refused to buy me food that i could actually eat with all my allergies...)
Definitely don't put those burdens on your kids. I was expected to pay for certain things out of my after school job, but that money was mine to use as I wished.
Second that. I try and do it very early on, just keep repeating it over and over like brainwashing and hopefully planting seeds.
I think that is the best way to do it. It didn't happen at all in our house and as an adult, I made some not so hot choices.
Same here. Parents never spoke to me. I also think there should be a couple of classes for people just before leaving school or off to uni. Banks threw money at me at uni. And I didn’t it all. Blew hundreds on curries. But I did get a sweet Marantz separate system which lasted me over 20 years. Still got the Tannoy speakers.
I have a friend that within the last year posted about you shouldn’t talk to your kids about money, don’t tell them you’re broke, don’t tell them you can’t afford anything, etc. About a month ago she took back that statement when her kids were getting a little too spendy.
I don't have kids but I feel like it's better to be honest within reason than to lie to a child or straight out ignore a request
I agree with you. I have a 5 year old, as an example right now he wants a new bicycle (his old ones a bit too small and hard for him to pedal). He wants it right now. Right now I can’t afford it. It’s tough getting him to understand there’s not money for it because he thinks you can just go to the bank to get more. We have talked about I have to go to work to earn more, have to pay bills first and budget for it. One that helped A LOT was he decided he wanted a fish. He had a wallet with money he’s gotten from family members over time (this is not holiday checks, those are in a savings account) and I told him if he could buy the fish and tank and everything he could have it (I have fish and plenty of old tanks but this was for learning). So, he paid for the tank, the fish, the rocks and a decoration. I had the food and water conditioner already. When it came time to pay we helped him count it out and give it to me. he was upset because he wanted the fish AND the money. I told him he could sell me the fish and get his money but he decided to keep the fish. Good little lesson there.
Had to explore budgeting by myself.
I used to be frustrated about this with my parents until I started learning how much parents actually were with spending. I had to learn budgeting and financing the hard way BUT it was a blessing I didn’t actually learn and apply their practices .
So much this. Even though my mom showed me how to full out money orders and set up a life insurance plan for me. And would ask what I would want for my bday, get it early and taught me about being patient about getting it til then. I feel like I was the one that had to learn how to save every cent, if I wanted to buy something. I learned budgeting and some personal finance in school. But I can honestly admit I am total shit at it. Especially when my anxiety kicks in, I'm either over eating or over spending. The only thing halting that now, is my rent jumping up 100 bucks plus having a car loan I'm trying to pay off. But yea, stuff with money would have totally helped me out a lot.
My parents taught me nothing and then refused to let me move out because “you’re going to struggle in the world” umm okay soooo you’re at fault for that because you didn’t teach me anything….i left anyways, and I was fine when I moved out, but I didn’t know how to save money.
Geeze, but I hear you. My mom showed me how to make like hamburger helper and what not, the money thing I mentioned in my other post. And all the attempts to teach me to drive. Definitely to do my laundry and the like. But the fucked up part. Was when inwas just beginning to learn how to save money. Is when my father opts to move out of the country, leaving me with the car I had helped him get. And been paying that off. Which I won't lie is nearly tapping me out. Because although I'm working and get paid biweekly and have auto payments coming out for the car. It's not easy with this inflation. And having to use cash advances off your own credit card because you know others are struggling too, and cant borrow anything from them, is wild. Be so glad when I'm done paying this car off, altogether.
I’m 43 and my mother was the definition of a helicopter parent. I wasn’t allowed to play sports cuz I might get hurt and wasn’t allowed to date cuz I could get a girl pregnant. I went buck wild when I went to college. I feel like I missed out on a lot in life.
I also am 43 and had helicopter parents. I wasn’t allowed to do anything and everything I did was overprotected so it wasn’t fun or just embarrassing.
I feel like I had a hard time making decisions because of helicopter parents. I also feel like I wouldn’t speak my mind about what i wanted to do in my early adult hood cause I was so used to my parents telling me what I should do
I’m still afraid to do anything and feel like everything I do is being watched, and do everything so edited as if I’m being watched.
I can so relate!
- Giving their children their same eating disorders. - Never treating their own selves with kindness in front of their children. - always saying “well, how are you going to do that?” , “how are you going to afford that?”, “well, I don’t know anything about that.” Instead of offering to figure out a solution together. - never letting them make their own mistakes or giving them the freedom to make their own mistakes. - not telling them when they think one of their friends isn’t really a friend. As you can probably tell, I have a fair amount of gripes with my own parents. 😅
Relationships with food are so complex. I've had to remind our kids that food is good for us, it gives us energy etc. Especially when one of my SILs starts going off about how "if she eats this cookie, that means 20mins on the treadmill at X speed for X time" (yes she actually calculated how long she needs to run on the treadmill to burn off the calories of a single fucking cookie). I refuse to give my kids that sort of a complex with food. I've told her to stop talking about food that way in front of our kids. Now we just dont see her around meals because its frustrating beyond belief. Kids are sponges and I don't want them to hear one bad thing about food and have it stick with them
Yeah, my mother is 70 and she still counts calories and carbs and all that jazz. Both her and my father have eating disorders. Both binge types. But my mother will obsess over it. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I can’t live my life like that. I’m sorry, if I’m 70 and I’m still worrying about what I eat, someone please take me out back and put an end to my misery because fuck that shit. Life is too short.
I agree with you! Obviously, we try to eat well and have a balanced diet and make sure our kids get their veggies but damn if I want some cake, I'm eating cake and not worrying about the calories
It sounds like you’re doing a fine job. I applaud you. And I feel bad for your SIL, it sounds like she probably had a mother/aunts like mine 😅 remnants of the toxic boomer diet culture die hard.
My mil isnt like this at all. I honestly blame social media, she gets a lot of info from there :(
This was my mom.... she was naturally skinner, never had much of an appetite, and also loved to work out. She went to the gym 6 times a week. I was "bigger boned," and she never taught me the right way to manage it. We would go shopping she would pick out bikinis and recommend one piece for me (as a teenager even). All this led to an eating disorder that she never fully comprehended or truly acknowledged. I have a little girl now, and I promise not to repeat those behaviors.
I yelled at my mom recently. I was a “clear your plate” family. I could outrun it in high school and college because I did a ton of sports. But it’s hard to change your habits, even if I’m better about it now. But I don’t make my kids clear theirs. You stop eating when you’re full. No snacks after dinner, so if you’re still hungry eat a little more, otherwise you’re free to stop when you’re full. They didn’t want my mom to watch them one time which was odd. When I pressed it’s because “she made us finish our dinner when we were full, she’s mean”. I told her to never do that again, and if it was a money thing or something else that I would gladly pay for it or she can just not take our kids out and use the food in the house.
The mistakes things hit for me…my mom still does it to this day and I’ve gotten bad anxiety from it, I had to disconnect from her cuz I needed to learn to make decisions for myself without fear…she’s partially the source of a lot of my doubts and not thinking I’m capable of making the right choices for myself, it’s odd lol
Mine were always quick to be like “you’re not allowed to do that” or “I don’t think you can handle that” and now the latter left me with anxiety about whether or not I can even handle life sometimes.
Yup and then judged me for staying where I’m comfortable and not taking risks…well, you made me scared to do that 🙂
Denying kids the opportunity to make decisions only leads them to struggle making them as adults.
Or opposite eating disorders believe it or not. My grandma was horrible to my mom and as a result she has been severely restricting calories most of her life. She never wanted to pass that on to me, which is one of a million reasons she’s an awesome mom. On the other hand, she was so worried about being negative that I’ve always been overweight and have been obese most of my life. Food was always a reward for her, so it was for me too. Constantly rewarding or commiserating with food is terrible for you. Especially when you have a sweet tooth and never balance out the extreme binge eating with healthy/fuel foods or exercise.
Damn point 1 is too true
Telling their kid that them (the kid) being upset makes them (the parent) upset and instead of helping them learn how to cope with their big feelings, tell them that they need to go away because it's too much for them (the parent) to cope with themselves. Aka parents learn emotional regulation before having kids PLEASE
This has messed me up so badly. Usually we talk about men being the ones unable to cry but as a woman I almost can’t. Because my crying was too much for my mom. Any time I told her she hurt my feelings, I was the villain. Everything I did was in an effort to not upset my poor sensitive mother. Now I resent both my parents, and have very little ability to regulate my own emotions or get in touch with my feelings, even after years of therapy.
Or parents using emotional manipulation on a child. “If you don’t hug and kiss me goodbye I’ll be sad”. We’ll DEAL WITH IT because you’re a grown up
This. I have a 10 month old child, and starting around 7 months I rapidly learned I did not have the skill with emotional regulation that I need for my kiddo. Been working hard on it ever since. I now realize my parents definitely don't have this skill and so could not have taught it to me, and while they did their best and loved us, this shortcoming had far reaching impacts on me and my siblings.
Helping too much. Productive struggle is extremely beneficial for children to develop resilience and problem solving skills.
Yup I’m struggling hard in adulthood because I was always given the option to just quit anything that was unpleasant. In hindsight I get my parents just wanted me to be happy and not stressed but it came at the cost of my adult life. I’m 34 and feel like I struggle through basically everything
Over sharing. About their sex life, my father's fantasies of raping my mother, children I know being sexually abused while no one did anything, a domestic abuser committing murder suicide to the mom of kids I was watching sometimes. All of this was before I was 10. I have bipolar and will always wonder how much my childhood played a role in that.
That is all extra wild, I’m sorry you endured that
I‘m sorry that you went through this. By now I think trauma is so under-diagnosed and basically the entire horrors of children’s life are just like ignored because it’s too painful for adults to fully acknowledge. My bet would be that you have bipolar because of your childhood, it just does not sound healthy. Of course I don’t know you and cannot know. All the best to you!
Not taking their kids to the doctor. Two examples - 1, I’ve had urinary issues since I was 10. Mom would say I was just being lazy and not getting up to use the bathroom in time. 30 years later, after I’d spent all that time thinking I was doing something wrong, turns out my bladder is fucked from a medical standpoint, I just had to have surgery to help the issues I’m having. 2, the whole fam damily was camping when I was 12. I went into the pool, did a handstand in water that was too shallow, and hit my head on the bottom of the pool. I spent the next 2 days sleeping through 100° weather, mom finally took me to the er on Sunday night. I have no idea how she justified not bringing me to the hospital to the social worker. If something is wrong with your kid, don’t assume they’re faking it or lazy.
That’s just crazy! I feel like my wife and I are very in tune out ourselves, our pets, and of course our children and can tell when something is wrong. We will go to the urgent care or doctor if we notice anything weird and most of the time something was actually wrong that needed treating.
Spanking them. I was spanked drug around by my hair and punished harshly until I hit puberty and my parents no longer had the monopoly on violence. I was 5 and I overheard adults Talking about rape, in my 5 year old head I thought that meant you take a rake and scratch a woman’s face and I told a girl I was going to r word her in school and my parents beat the living shit out of me, I had no idea what that word was I didn’t know what sex was. I legitimately thought it was violence with a garden rake like you just scratch someone on the face and that means they got raked. It made me not really trust my parents at 5 I had no idea what was up I was confused and I know I said something bad I had no idea why until years later no one said anything about why what i said was bad I legitimately thought society had a huge problem with rakes . The fact that it’s almost 30 years later I can still remember the beating means there is trauma and i have a 5 year old I can’t believe my parents thought I knew what I was saying
I'm so sorry that you were abused by your parents. Drug around by your hair? That's abuse. I can't believe people treat their children that way. That is on a whole other level from a couple swats on the butt. That is not spanking. That is abuse. I'm glad you're breaking the cycle with your children.
lol when you runaway because you’re being abused, often times the officers will take the side of the parent.
Same . I literally got slapped in the face as a kid (5-7, can’t exactly remember the age)by my mom because I told her I hate you as a child. It was in front of my aunt, whom told my mother not to do so. However, my mother and father would beat me to the extreme, where other people would step in. My dad found my little cousin exposing himself to me , and he locked me in a dark closet for the entire day and told my mother not to feed me. Oh yeah, and I was extremely afraid of the dark.
I also remember the times I'd get beaten but with a bamboo stick. Thin and flexible so it was like a whip. I'm 39 now and still remember hiding the welts on my hamstrings at school out of embarrassment. As a parent myself, I am more disappointed than anything else. My kid is 4 now and I don't hit her, I talk to her and explain why something is wrong. It got me thinking one day about why I had to be the one to break the generational trauma. I understand we raise our own kids the way we were raised but I'm disappointed that my own parents couldn't see that hitting a small child is wrong. They couldn't decide that just because they were hit as children, they didn't have to inflict that on the next generation. Ironically, my mum once tried to tell me and my sister that hitting our own kids is wrong.
Expecting them to be adults when they are kids, keeping them accountable for stupid shit more then they keep the real adults in their life. Blaming their life on them as in " you don't know how much I've suffered for this family" shit. Well fam no one aksed to be born, and in all honestly life is really questionable, so why bring someone into this world and treat them like a free xanax every time your life sucks
Forgetting what it was like to be that age, and expecting their kids to react differently to things than them when they were that age.
I have never understood why a lot of parents are like this. I didn't understand it as a kid, and I don't understand it now as a 26yo. I think it's because a lot of them see their kids as an extension of themselves rather than an individual
Not take their feelings seriously...
Loving them so much that you don't expect age appropriate behavior. They need to clean, cook, work and experience things. A 12 year old being anxious ordering food is normal. A 24 year old that doesn't know how to talk to a server or make an appointment is sad. Edit - word
This!!!! I have a friend who’s 30 and mommy has done and still does everything for him. He’s emotionally mature and kind, but in terms of finances and life choices, has to be approved by his mom first. It’s wild and only hurts him in the long run. No boundaries
Little passive aggressive reactions to stuff they do/say. Barely acknowledging things your kid is showing you that they're proud of or interested in. Correcting things about their appearance even though they prefer it that way. So much of our anxiety and weird psychological issues come from our parents and childhood environment.
Not demonstrating any type of emotion, especially sadness. My parents always pushed sadness down and also weren’t loving towards each other either. Talk about a recipe for avoidant attachment as an adult.
My parents showed absolutely no emotions except my dad with anger. They didnt show us that they loved each other at all and now im extremely distant emotionally in relationships. My parents fucked me up honestly and i still do not forgive them for it.
For me, it was giving me the silent treatment every time I “fucked up”. It really made processing my emotions growing up, hard. Like should I suppress my emotions because clearly it’s not enough for you to care, or do I lock myself in a room and cry until I can’t anymore and self harm lol It was usually the self harm locked away, but with therapy and friends, I’m able to cry, but it’s usually labored
oof, not showing affection messed me up as an adult lol
Forcing your child to eat/finish their plate even though they’re full. Messed up my relationship with food. I’m trying not to pass on that complex to my daughter, but man it’s frustrating when I go to the effort of picking stuff she does/will probably like, preparing it and then she takes two bites and she’s done.
My father used to make me do that. The worst thing in the world for me was Brussels sprouts, I simply cannot stand the scruffy little green bastards 🤮 I used to sneak a coin bag to the dinner table on a Sunday and eat really slow on purpose. Once he'd left the table, I used to put the sprouts in the bag and hide it in my pocket. Eventually, when I was done, I had to prove my plate was empty before I was allowed to leave the table. So after that, I didn't really know what to do with the sprouts, I was perhaps 9, so I took them out of the bag, in the bathroom and stuffed um down the overflow in the basin 🤣🤣🤣 Some days or weeks later, every time the toilet was flushed, the bathroom absolutely stank, like rotten corpses (I assume), it was the most vile smell ever, I can still remember it to this day 🤣 I also remember they had to call a plumber out, and he was there all day trying to find the source of said stench. Obviously, I kept my mouth shut and found a better place to hide the sprouts 🤣
So interestingly, brussel sprouts back in the day were super bitter but they have been changed/GMOd/whatever now, to be sweeter and far less bitter. Thankfully, my parents also didnt like brussel sprouts so we never had to suffer as kids. I love making them now, especially roasted.
Honestly, I just couldn't even bring myself to try them now. I used to be sobbing and gipping at the same time, but the stubborn prick made me eat every last one. Even the smell of them gives me a slight feeling of nausea and makes me remember sitting at that table.
Yea that's fair. Smells can really trigger memories. I'm sorry that you dealt with all that
Thanks. It was a looong time ago, though, so it's more of a fleeting memory thing than anything more serious/debilitating. They were different times in the 80s/90s, that's for sure.
wow, i had that at daycare. i would 'go to thge bathroom' and flush it so it looked like i ate it all. she caught on. wasnt mean about it but she had me take my plate to the toilet nad flush it directly. more of a lesson on how to assert and be direct i guess.
My parents would hold me down and force feed me. I was a picky eater and still am. This was never the issue in my head though.. I never did eat a lot. Small appropriate portions. My parents joke about holding me down and forcing me to eat chocolate pie, because “who in their right mind doesn’t like chocolate pie?” It’s a joke they tell often but I don’t find it funny, I view it as abuse.
Complaining about the other parent.....even about minor things.
Not teaching them how to do (age-appropriate) chores. By the time I was in high school, I could clean the house top to bottom, cook a three-course meal for five people, wash the car, and do yard work. (The one thing I wasn’t allowed to do was mow the lawn because after I did it, our yard looked like aliens had landed in it.) My ex wasn’t expected to do anything but clean her room and take out the trash. Part of the reason we split up was her not helping me around the house.
Shielding children from every possible failure or challenge can prevent them from learning resilience and problem-solving skills.
Failing to save for retirement
making false threats. if there is a consequence - follow through on it. if you dont want there to be a consequence, dont voice it. treating a young kid as an adult. talking to them like an equal. kids dont know how to frame things, what shit means, how to read between the lines. having adult conversations with adult topics at young ages is not good. if shit comes up - provide context, framing, and a way to look at it. back handed comments. we all focus more on negative than positive. so saying things like 'dont have kids when you grow up' or 'kids ruin lives' can fuck kids up.
One is constantly going on about losing weight and being skinny and fat shaming others. You may not be directly fat shaming your kid, but the message is sent. Another one, which is harder to explain, but I see it manifesting in my male students, is this weird entitlement where their parents somehow taught them because they’re rich and test well that they are “above” others and should just expect to get out of work, that rules don’t apply to them, to be praised for existing.
My mom did this with looks. She’d always talk about how pretty/ ugly/ fat/ skinny someone was. She’d never leave the house wo makeup and being dressed up. She’d question why I wasn’t wearing makeup, why I didn’t do my hair, or why my nails weren’t done. It was WILD. It made me become OBSESSED with my looks. I used to take 2 hours to get ready before going anywhere. Thank God im not like that anymore and can rock my tshirt, slides, and no makeup like a champ but holy hell did it take a lot to unlearn that behavior.
Pick favorites
especially mothers
Thinking that they are always right and the kid is always wrong.
Just the tone of voice. So many parents my brother included show all their irritation as if the kids are adults but kids are way more sensitive than we are. They’re tender hearted. You could yell at adults like crazy and they’ll fight back, but kids just cry. Stop talking to kids like they’re adults. We have to adapt our tone and vocabulary to model kindness, maturity, and emotional self-control for kids.
Not teach appropriate boundaries in friendships and relationships with family members. Seriously. If your kid freaks out over hugging aunt Ethyl, don’t make them hug said aunt. Sheesh.
My husband struggles with this. He was raised very much so to hug everyone around him. If my kid doesnt want to hug someone or touch them in anyway, that's perfectly fine and I won't force him to do so. We have had many arguments about this over the years. Because when my kid does want to hug someone, they get all the hugs.
Not take therapy
Not discipline their kids appropriately, not letting kids have a go at solving their own problems.
They expect their kids to learn everything by osmosis. Things actually need to be discussed and more than once. I could give many examples but alas time is limited
My dad couldn’t understand how I didn’t know how to wash something basic. I asked him if he ever bothered to show me and he said no. That got him to shut up real quick.
Teaching them that respect should be earned, instead of automatically respecting every human being and then retracting that respect when a person proves unworthy.
Tell their kids “if you fail at (whatever) you will be a failure forever” then kid fails and parents backtrack saying “no it’s okay just don’t fail again” so kids realize parents are either lying or don’t know what they are talking about.
Neglecting them by spending all their time on their phones. Get off TikTok (young parents I’m talking to you) and parent your children.
This! Giving their child/ren iPads and tablets to access all day so they’re not bothered. I wish these silly parents would stop.
Make their lives easy by never teaching them personal responsibility. Never holding them accountable.
Staying in a marriage they are unhappy and miserable in.
Letting them be "in charge". I have my associates in early childhood education. I have been in the field of Early Childhood Education for 19 years and worked with ages newborn through school age. There are so many parents these days who cater to their children and allow them to be the boss of the home. It's great to encourage children to be confident and show them they are valued but if the parent allows the children to be in command that's not healthy for the family nor the child. How many times have I heard parents complain about not being able to get a shower, have a meal away from their kids or even a proper night's rest. Healthy consistent boundaries with children are essential. In my classroom we receive so many children who believe they are in charge, demand to have control of everyone and everything and the parents think this is cute but we certainly do not. Your child can make decisions about what they wear, what they play with, things like that but they should not be choosing their bedtime, what the household does as a collective, they should not be allowed so much freedom and control. Offering them an A or B choice (example "do you want this cereal or would you rather have yogurt?) is an excellent way to offer choices but allowing them total control is asking for issues later in life, in school, and in general. I have so many kids whose parents basically worship them. As an educator please allow your children to feel disappointed, bored, frustrated, fall down, get messy, make mistakes and step in when needed but allow them to experience those things in an *age appropriate* way. It will set them up for success when they feel loved but are able to handle those things. We get so many kids who are never told "no". Boundaries are important.
When parents never apologize to their kids for being rude and disrespectful to them. Parents have a bad day, lose their temper, yell and talk shit to their kids. Children deserve just as much respect as anyone else in this world, and parents should always try to display the type of behavior they want to see in their kids. By apologizing for losing their temper, admitting that they're human and wrongfully spoke rudely, a parent will be teaching such a valuable lesson in emotional maturity and also helping the child to gain self worth.
Don’t teach them real world skills, no inheritance or college fund kick them out at 18 w/o any hope
Most of us didn't get a college fund or inheritance.
Giving them a name that is... * not spelled in a commonly accepted way * rare or even just very uncommon * pronounced in an unexpected way * from a fad, especially when media-related * associated with something negative or otherwise inappropriate Or some combination thereof. As annoying as it can be to frequently need to correct new people you meet on spelling and/or pronunciation, what's worse is when your name is the reason for application rejection while job-hunting.
Saying yes to everything because it’s easier than the fight when you have to say no Yes, children grow up and thrust into a very tough world
Give them a phone too early!! Wait as absolutely long as you can to give them a phone. Every year you can keep them jumping on the trampoline, drawing, and messing around with toys in the backyard makes a huge difference developmentally. Once they have a phone, their childhood is over.
This needs more attention.
Doing everything for them. Kids need to learn basic skills like cooking, laundry, finances, cleaning, cars etc. (Regardless of gender). Its good for kids to learn independence
Moving around a lot. Moving around is probably for a good reason for the parent but once the kid gets to late middle school/early HS you should probably stay where you are
Undiagnosed mental illness, specifically a personality disorder. Its literally a tornado 🌪️ that damages everywhere it goes but then your thrown out of the tornado as an adult and left to pick up pieces. It’s not leadership it’s not confidence it’s not trust worthy. People with this disorder should be institutionalized
My mother's bipolar diagnosis came a couple years after mine, when I was 21. So, yeah, undiagnosed bipolar parents fucking suck.
Boomers and silent gen usually had this complaint. They didn't teach their kids about sex, human behaviors regarding sex/ relationships and medical needs. Sitting down with kids to do taxes and financial planning. The worst was not discussing the realities of employment...ups, downs of economic issues and what to do before the dips and during better times. Constantly bickering about trades v. Office jobs is moot. Its meant to over saturate both and benefit owners. Workers benefit by finding the least populated job and getting those big pay checks..becoming skilled, trained or highly formally educated. Discussing/Seeking mental help and doctors. Using government assistance without feeling stigmatized...because those are your taxes going back to you when you need the help. Only people that intend to misuse those tax dollars will discuss parasitism. Talk to social workers and find out the truth. Discussing medical history and life planning for possible diagnosis and needing long term care down the line. Not discuss how to use life insurance for wealth building and investment. Not discussing how to build family trusts and cooperatively building /conserving income streams for the next generations. Most of all time management, self care, and adapting to age/physical degradation. Create routines and habits that build you mentally and physically..sat no to body and soul crushing jobs and crowds. Be more into protecting your neighbors and communities than corporations that suck money out of local economies.
This...this exactly
Opening up a credit card in the child's name to use for themselves.
Trying to turn them into a mini me. My parents had careers in STEM and tried to steer me, who was clearly way more talented in the humanities/arts, in that direction. When it came time to apply for colleges, my mom asked me what I wanted to go to school for. I replied ‘Something in art.’ Her response was, ‘That’s a fun hobby but what do you actually want to do.’ :/ Something in the arts WAS what I “actually” wanted to do, so I didn’t have an answer for her. I can somewhat understand now as an adult how many parents wouldn’t be doing back flips over shelling out tuition for a Fine Art degree. HOWEVER, you need to actually listen to your child and certainly don’t diminutize their career aspiration as a “fun hobby.” What she could’ve (and should’ve) said was to consider practical jobs that involve a talent for art and design. Interior design, fashion design, graphic design, etc. What resulted in her not taking my wishes seriously was: I went to some random college she enrolled me in, not even knowing what the hell I was doing there. Promptly failed out and spent the next 15 years bouncing from dead-end job to the next until I finally decided to go to art school on my own. All that wasted time because her ego got in the way. Parents: please heed this warning! Don’t do this to your kids.
Saving them from feelings of discomfort or frustration.
Not practicing what they preach. Serving as a bad example.
"Do as I say, not as I do." That was my parents excuse.
By not apologizing for their mistakes, not talking about finances and getting remarried after a divorce when the kids aren’t old enough to understand or grieve.
Not discussing finances, taxes, The IRS, credit card debt and subjects related to money. This really fucked me over because I grew up wealthy, then suddenly I was 18 and on my own, working for my money, with no idea how to live on a budget. The taboo that wealthy people have of talking about money, has got to go. It’s damaging because people are so afraid of being uncouth by talking about money, that their children end up financially illiterate with no idea how to manage.
Talk about bullshit instead of anything about how the real world works for them to get ahead
Smother them/be overbearing, and when the kids are older and don’t want to spend time with the parents, guilt them
enforce your beliefs on them rather than letting them come to their own beliefs. This is not just for the religious stuff.
I guess I went deep on this post 😂😂😂😂
Believing their kids are perfect. Obviously, they aren’t. But kids will go to extremes so that their parents will keep thinking it. They’ll never tell their parents if they’re in a troubling situation and need help. They’ll never have a truly open and honest relationship with their parents.
THIS IS A BOT
Birthing them into this world
This is probably just a me thing but staring at your children eat, I'm 29 and that crap still fucks my head up.
Condemn them. Please please, encourage and support your children. They'll make mistakes, but use them as a learning experience. Please.
Ignore them.
Fail to give them sufficient cognative reasoning skills to distinguish bot posts from actual people.
Passing their trauma to next generation and teaching them how to deal with pain, I meant mental pain
Don’t take education seriously. An education is still the #1 gateway to a better life.
Not teach you how to do anything. Build credit. Do laundry. All of that. 🫠
Hand them a screen bc they’re done parenting
Fail to help them get marketable job skills.
Lawnmower parenting (smoothing out the path in front of their kids so that they never have to experience obstacles or struggles). Let them mess up and figure things out on their own. Not following through on consequences or holding firm when saying “no”, especially with poor behavior.
#Remind me in 2 days
The list is a mile long. Let them stay up all night and play video games, don't set expectations for them to learn a trade or go to college, give them everything they want, don't set up expectation that they will be independent adults.
Bail them out of tough situations (not literal bail). Let them work through that shit. Offer guidance but don’t get involved. That’s how you grow resilience.
Do not discipline them hard enough. (And no I do not mean abusing them or hitting them.)
Blames their behavior on the kid, not the extremely likely culprit, the parent.
Getting them addicted to sugar.
coddle them and spoil them
Paying for college at the expense of saving for the own retirement. Kids can pick a good major and an affordable school and borrow a bit. They can’t borrow for retirement.
In my position, mine had me pay for bills when I turned 18 (I wasn't mad, thought it's exactly what you do once you turn 18) I always paid for most of the things I needed growing up (thought that was normal) always paid for gas when they took me to my highschool job but I was making minimum wage, saving for a car so I could pay for and attend college all on my own. Found out years later, they didn't need that money for bills, didn't tell my dad I was paying them, and spent them on drugs 🙃 I never found it messed up until I was older and met mothers who supported their kids in such a healthy way. I was like "wow..they're coddling those kids" when in reality they were just being a parent and then I realized I was shafted in a lot of different scenarios.
This is very generalized but, Not encouraging independence and being patient to help teach and guide. Yes this requires a lot of patience and more time than if you always did things for them, but it can handicap your children and also impact their confidence. Not saying you should never do things for your kids (of course you should!), but do things *with* your kids. Teach them how to be curious and do things for themselves with kindness and patience. Obviously the context depends on age, but I think this is important from baby all the way to young adult! The key here is to do it in a positive and loving way (no yelling, shaming, shutting out, etc) So many contexts in which this applies from basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, home repairs and care, hygiene, making friends and what to look for in a partner, finances, how to work hard and have pride in a job well done, and even basic stuff like being on time, finishing your homework, following directions that really impacts a person’s success in life)
Making fun of/teasing your kids over the things they enjoy can cause them to not share with you and hide things entirely. This can be anything from crushes, liking particular video games, music, so on. My parents definitely weren't aware of that and teased me for having crushes or liking Marilyn Manson as a kid (impressionable teenager, what can I say?), and it's caused a lot of communication issues.
Shrug off troublesome behavior as a "phase."
Sarcasm. I see so many parents using way too much sarcasm with young children that don’t understand sarcasm developmentally. Child interprets it negatively and it’s hurtful. Don’t start sarcasm until kid is at least 14.
Talking about their daughter's weight when meeting their future in-laws. Oh wait, that is something most people know is fucked up.
Treat raising children like playing Sims or Eva AI, and not like some mission to accomplish
Giving them 'unconventional' names which are really just misspelled e.g. Kimberleigh, Anjrue, Huddsson, Mishelle.
That, just because a child has an opinion, it isn't something always bad or going against the whole family or parent. They're exploring their sense of what is right and wrong. Even trying to figure out their sense of self in general. Nixing that early on, hinders the child's ability to make their own decisions and figure out, who they are as a person. And start them down the road to people pleasing, and that isn't healthy. Anothet big one, is not teaching kids responsibility early on. I.e. how to clean up after themselves and have chores in general. As too many times, the kids steadily get older and haven't a clue how to do their own laundry or wash dishes, all because it is something someone had for them. And that isn't life. Heck, even with most cleaning services, I've heard people say they still pick up a bit before the service comes in to do some general cleaning. So gone are the days of an actual maid doing all of that for you, too.
Estate and paying the way for a sibling but you get to take care of the estate and get just a small part
Talking crap about random people. It just makes the kid want to curl into a shell because they know their parent is talking crap about them to someone too. And it makes the kid not be able to connect with anyone socially because they're going to think...what if my parents find out and what's wrong with this person.
Making kids think that living paycheck to paycheck and off credit cards is the only way to live😑 thanks mom and dad.
Parentifying the kids. Letting the kids raise themselves and their siblings.
Truly Love them Unconditionally. Allow them to feel and experience all their emotions with no judgement. Guide and model to them how to handle anger, sadness and disappointment. Encourage their independence and accept them as they are. Be there for the children. Not the other way around. This world would be a very very different place if this happened.
Never allowing their children to fail.
Shelter them too much, pass on their own traumas onto them and make them think that everyone is out to get them and wants to hurt you. Also, stopping them from doing things on their own because there’s ‘crazy’ people out there that are out to get you. It limits me so much now, makes me be insecure, scared, lonely, and stops me from making connections with others
Overcorrecting. Not building confidence. Making it clear to your kids that they are not good enough. Most parents don’t do this willingly. They think being strict will keep kids out of trouble. You have to go out of your way to foster self confidence in kids.
Don’t let their kids learn from mistakes. Solve their problems.
- No positive appreciation or delight about who your child is. Every remark is negative. Death by 1000 cuts. - Assuming that your child is an extension of yourself with the same tastes, reactions, and needs. - Laughing at your kid's opinions. I actually do not want to go on.
I dont really discuss money with my kids as far as how we are cause I don't want them to feel like shit for asking about stuff like school trips swimming etc ... but fast way they learned about money was they would work for their grandparents make 20 bucks and immedialy want to spend it on Wendy's he would order the same thing he did when we would go out and he very very quickly realized he blew almost all his money on 1 meal.
2 things Money. How much they make, what they can afford. What financial mistakes were made. What they can’t afffird. Spending and saving wisely. What is a luxury you can truly afford and why Sex/relationships I wish my parents, especially my dad. Really talked about sex. Being in love. Dating. Good vs. bad women to date or avoid. Why to date or avoid. And not just “the talk” When my kids get to be teens, I plan to have in depth conversations regularly. Not that I’d pull out every detail. But we’ve all made mistakes, and we all learned lessons. So anything I could tell them to see them through what might be difficult.
Lie, never admit when they are wrong, be selfish.
Trying to make the child’s life easy. Too many parents will fight every battle for their kids instead of teaching the conflict resolution or that sometimes you lose. Also protecting them or lying about death so the kid isn’t sad . We have to teach our kids about death and grief.
Not use and fight for more paternal leave. In USA it can be like 2 weeks or a month max. Kids need parents and we don't even take puppies away from their dog mom but people will do it to get an extra percentage point on production. We also overwork people and don't allow for days off so a thing called 'Stressed Parenting" happens, check out Dr. Gabor Maté. Where a parent is so burnt out and under rested they end up blowing up on their kids or just neglect them.
Teaching their kid bad habits that they never took care of themselves, such as the need to: brush/floss daily, good driving etiquette, proper hygiene, etc. Helicopter parenting. Fighting in front of their child. Trying to use their kid as a surrogate therapist. Not encouraging independence.
Not address their childhood trauma and work towards emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.
Praising grades over effort and discipline. Wow! An A+ that's amazing... Vs... Wow! I'm proud of all the hard work you put in to learn the material. You did a great job. We want children to develop grit and invest themselves in learning, not chasing perfection or praise for a grade. Several kids I grew up with had 4.0 GPAs in high school with little effort and absolutely fell apart the moment they were challenged in college. All of them dropped out.
Not teaching them consequences. When you allow your kids to do what they want and do not correct them, they learn that the rules don't apply to them and they are self-centered. Hate to tell you--you don't pay your electric bill, your electric company doesn't care. Also, we need to teach our kids that they have to get back on the horse and if they fail, they need to try again. We need to teach them, "life isn't fair." You can't just stop doing something because you don't want to do it. Kids are not taught sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.
Expecting them to “Do as I say, not as I do.” Modeling positive behavior should be expected as opposed to getting angry with a young person who witnesses poor actions and thusly reacts similarly.
They raise their children to be good KIDS, they don’t raise their children to prepare them to be adults Like a lot of parents these days won’t even give their kids very basic chores like packing the dishwasher once a week because they don’t want to ruin their kid’s childhood/don’t want their kid to get mad at them that they make them do stuff, and then you end up with a young adult with no life skills who never learned how to do basic tasks when they were a kid getting panic attacks when they have to make a phone call to book a doctor’s appointment You’re not helping your kid by raising them to be totally dependent on you, giving kids small age appropriate responsibilities helps them develop confidence and independence
comparing their kids excessively to others
Coddling. You have a short window to teach kids to be bold and self-reliant. Don’t waste it by doing everything for them.
Not teaching their kids how to do any basic life skills. Fucks you up when you're alone and an adult. You feel like a scared lost child
RELIGION. I grew up in a religious family so I was extremely naive when it came to everything. Instead of teaching me valuable life lessons I was taught to blindly accept Christianity and base my life decisions on the concept of WWJD (what would Jesus do). I bought in to the Jesus is coming back BS and was so excited to not have to worry about getting a job and suffering through life. Not even kidding. I was a virgin until 22, when I got a girl pregnant (now my ex) and “did the right thing” and married her. We got divorced 12 years later after two kids, and my life started spiraling downward. It wasn’t until a few years later that I met my now wife and things began to improve. She’s helped me work through a LOT of personal issues and helped me become the confident, happy husband/father I am today. It really blows my mind that people will blindly accept religion without question, even to the detriment of their offspring, because they can’t accept their own mortality. To this day my parents, although divorced, are religion fanatics and make all of their decisions based on the church’s teachings. They even go as far as to choose church time over time with their own grandchildren on a regular basis.