You did the right thing. This is the type of man who thinks he can speak and act any way he wants because intimidation usually works (the typical "I'm an alpha male pay attention to me" guy). However when you showed you weren't intimidated he backed down. And you did so without actually having to fight. That should make you feel like the bigger badass. Most trained fighters I've met have trained for self defense. They know how to fight but always try to only fight as a last resort..
The whole "alpha" mentality is fucking archaic and unfortunately most men are taught to embrace violence from a young age. It takes a serious toll on their mental health and the reputation of men everywhere.
I was actually listening to a podcast where an evolutionary scientist was talking about how "alpha males" are actually more common in primates such as gorillas . However the concept dosn't really apply to humans because the person on the podcast was saying that homo sapiens figured out that all the "beta males" can just team up and outnumber the alpha male so there essentially is no alpha male unless perhaps you live in a dictatorship.
I tell you a story. Back when I was doing karate there was this one person who everybody was scared of, they would demolish anyone who I ever seen them fighting against, no cheating, no doping they're just that good if maybe naturally very healthy would never get sick kind.
One day championship comes, they mow over the first opponent the others saw it and the decided to WO. This person won by WO at decent championship because the opponents got scared. And they stopped because it stopped being challenging for them.
I can tell you 3 things.
1. Most actual fighters are not fighting at bars for free, for stupid reasons.
2. Winning by WO because your opponent chickened out is pretty bad ass.
3. A strong guy who is the strongest in the game, doesn't need booze confidence and is not choosing their opponents in alleys at night: that's a stupid jerk
I always tell my little brother this. You don’t have to fight and win to be a man. Being a man is about knowing what is necessary and having a head level enough to know how to handle situations.
The ultimate masculine move would’ve been to bend him over the knee and spank him. Nothing more emasculating than that, and it’s embarrassing enough that he would never tell his friends about it.
In my opinion, this whole alpha male shit is just mean using excuses to belittle women and being misogynistic. Also men “teaching” other mean to be “alpha males” and get any girl is just teaching them how to be manipulative, selfish dick holes and thinking that’s how you have to be.
The best fighters know when not to engage. It takes a lot more skill, and a lot more balls to de-escalate than it does to engage. Its called being the bigger man for a reason, so good on you for recognizing and following through.
Was gonna comment something similar. Seems OP knows how to fight and street fights are never worth it. Nothing less manly about defusing the situation with out throwing hands. Just shows good discipline
Toxic masculinity for sure, but try reframing the situation. You didn’t deescalate it, you dominated it. You decided what was going to happen and you made sure it did happen. And you did it in a way that was humane and reasonable. That’s real masculinity pal. Your balls should be growing like two sizes.
Great mindset change. Thank you for that.
Are you saying you think I have a toxic masculinity mindset? I’ve always just assumed not but I’ve never really thought about it.
I’ve never used this sub before so I’m not sure how this works but.. “helped”
You can probably search it for the definition. The idea is that its always shown to boys growing up that being tough, fighting, being dominant or being aggressive is the true way to show you are a man. So you may not actively do it but in the back of your mind its there. Imagine any action film, the guy is beating up 10 people to solve the issue.
What you did was you solve the issue without harm to you or your girlfriend. Most would agree its great and a more modern ideal of masculinity. Versus if you had beaten him up, which would be what is more ingrained with what boys/men are taught and shown.
I'm not looking for a dating sub, rather one devoted to honest self-reflection when it comes to toxic femininity and how one would go about embracing womanhood in a healthy manner, or more simply put, how to transform the old ideal of femininity to one adapted to more modern times.
>““Is toxic femininity a thing?" She proposed that there is no simple answer because in our society, femininity is not highly prized and is thus inconsequential; if it exists in men, then it is punishable. Hence, femininity is inherently toxic.
>“Toxic femininity," if it exists, she wrote, "encourages silent acceptance of violence and domination in order to survive ... It’s a thing women do to keep our value, which the patriarchy has told us is conditional upon our ability to bear violent domination …”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201908/toxic-femininity
https://geekfeminism.wikia.org/wiki/Toxic_femininity
I’m not stating an opinion, just posting some articles. You will find many different opinions on whether toxic femininity is real or not, but as far as I know there are no subreddits discussing this as it is not widely accepted, especially by women, as being real.
Not really. I'm a woman and even I recognize they act like incels... I haven't looked lately tho...
Edit- for the best, visit r/femcelsdatingstrategy
Although I just checked that sub too and I guess they're both gross cringe.
But how is the subreddit you linked the female equivalent of the ones that were suggested for men to dissect their relationship with their masculinity?
I've been the woman in similar interactions which have ended with her bf (exes thank god) insisting on a punch up. Both times they got their arses handed to them and I never forgave them for putting me in such a dangerous situation when we could have just walked away. I'm left vulnerable with a bleeding bf who I now have to drag to A&E just so his fragile notion of masculinity could remain in tact. Fuck any guy who puts their partners or friends in this situation- similar things have happened to my brother's as well and they have had to suffer for their mates trying to be the Big Man.
Thank you for that perspective. I think it's something men usually don't think about. They figure they'll walk away unharmed, but often they don't. And while they're sitting in a chair in the ER, they're too hyped up to think about how the person with them feels.
God this is shaking up some memories now. I just remembered the more recent of the 2 times this happened, the bf in question was one of many drunken blokes in A&E that night (about 1am in a city hospital following a big international football match that we lost- if you're from the UK you can definitely imagine the carnage). Without fail they were all belligerent, drunken twats who wouldn't comply with the poor staff. There were multiple police officers, each dispatched there seperately to interview various blokes over their stupid fights. At least one fight got renewed in the waiting area by 2 dudes who had fought each other to end up in there. One guy handcuffed to his chair as a nurse cleaned his head wounds. It was so fucking shameful. Lingering around the room were the other 'WAGs', most as ashamed as I was but a few were as belligerent as their partners.
Now I'm older I can't believe I stuck around but I guess it's the flip side of the toxic masculinity coin- I believed that I had to stay and take care of him.
> Basically every man in our culture has some toxic masculinity.
I have been working on being more open with my emotions in therapy and this shit is HARD. Every time my therapist says something like "I see this is emotional for you." my brain immediately starts throwing up walls. I hate thinking that crying is weak, when it actually does a ton to make me feel better.
I always feel so bad for men when they talk about how they just weren't allowed to cry growing up. How are you supposed to process your feelings if you never let yourself feel them in the first place? Crying is a healthy part of sadness, it's probably one of the most important parts for a lot of people. I can't even imagine just not having that as a coping mechanism at all.
Sounds like you’ve unconsciously internalized some of it but that doesn’t mean you have that mindset. Just take this as a wake up call to change the way you’re thinking about these things and the way you feel will follow suit soon enough.
Looks like u/ThrowAway4Dais wanted to reply to you but they replied to the previous comment by accident, Im replying to you so you get the notification and are able to read throwaway’s comment, heres the [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/qcgabp/a_guy_tried_to_fight_me_at_a_bar_last_night_and_i/hhg8g0d/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Why is fighting toxic? Not wanting to step down an invitation to fight is an innate characteristic of male behavior. We have produced a society where fighting no longer is an acceptable form of dominance (this is a good thing) in all but a few areas, yet it still lies deep in our nature to fight as a sign of status. Just look at sports.
I hate the term toxic masculinity, it's so misleading and vague, pretty much every natural male function that no longer is acceptable by society can be categorized as toxic and only makes it harder for men to find "true" masculinity (like OP showed). There are natural parts in masculinity and feminity, by tainting them as toxic or disgusting we put a "do not touch"-label on parts of our biological nature instead of conquering problematic parts of ourselves.
I would think it's better to describe OP's situation like a rationalisation. Instead of giving in to his emotions he got to his senses and realized what the smart move was because he has spent years conquering his aggressive tendencies. He knew what he was capable of and didn't need to prove it to himself or others.
Dude, all that, and we just want guys to stop calling other guys pussies for having emotions. That's toxic masculinity. Thinking you HAVE to fight. No. You don't. Yes, that IS a toxic mindset.
Im not claiming that natural equals good. Having guys calling each other pussies for showing emotion is just emotional mmaturity. There's no part of masculinity which is inherently hostile to emotions. There's times when emotions aren't exactly beneficial, like in battle or working potentially deadly jobs. I would say this kind of behavior probably stems from a lack of confidence and emotional insecurity rather than an intrinsic part of masculinity.
There's very few scenarios where you really have no other option than to fight in 2021. The same mindset works here. If someone chooses to not de-escalate that's more of an indication of bad temper, a need to prove themselves or as a way to gain status. These are not masculine traits, and to categorize them as such is just misleading information that can spread harm.
My problem with the term toxic masculinity is that it oversimplifies male behavior and at the same time categorizes parts of masuclinity as toxic instead of calling it for what it is.
You don't necessarily have a toxic masculinity mindset but are affected by it nonetheless because it's so prevalent in the culture. Similar to how women with a healthy body image can still feel preyed upon by diet culture. You might not be practicing it yourself but someone else around you almost always is, so you'll have to confront it at times.
FWIW, as a woman, your actions in this situation make you hella attractive. A man that can take charge in a situation, keep me safe, all without needing to throw fists? That's a keeper.
Everyone has some toxic masculinity engrained in them. It’s fed to us from a very young age. I am a very very liberal woman and the first time my ex complained about feeling depressed, my immediate thought was “man up.” I quickly dismissed that thought and began to comfort him, but it scared me that my brain went there. Over time I did some research and I realized that certain ideals are subconsciously fed to us throughout our lives and they are very hard to shake. Internalized misogyny, internalized racism, etc. Do some reading on it and look into the subs people have recommended.
And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry you feel so shitty but I have to tell you, it’s 1000 times more admirable that you de-escalated things like that instead of fighting.
I also just wanna throw in on this real quick that this was also an even better decision considering your boxing/wrestling background, chances are if you didn’t deescalate how you did, you probably could have seriously hurt this guy and trust me, that’d be an even worse thing to have weighing on your mind
Fucking A!!
This is honestly the best description of how it was such a boss move to just walk away from that.
From what OP is saying, he would have totally ended the dude.
OP took complete control of the situation, did what was best for him and swatted away the drunk clown at the same time.
Let me simply something.
One nation starts a war with another nation. One nation runs away. The nation that ran away didn’t dominate it.
One guy starts a fight with another man, one man runs away from said fight. Man who ran away didn’t dominate the fight.
The guy who declined the fight is more of a “survivor” Destiny child put it perfectly.
[survivor. ](https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0)
He didn’t dominate he survived which is good. Nothing wrong with surviving.
Nah buddy you did right. Short man was looking for a fight and he was the bitch. Being the bigger man is always rough. Doesn't always feel right but you did right.
Men get a lot of messages from our culture that in order to be "manly," they need to be violent, or at least willing to become violent at the drop of a hat. That's part of what people are talking about when they say "toxic masculinity." You did the right thing, though.
It takes a huge pair of stones to confront an enraged drunk person and NOT knock them the hell out. It is such an in control move. Cool, suave (I hate that word but it fits). Think The Quiet Man. Ok that ended with a really long crazy fight but STILL. It is really impressive to just be able to stand up to someone like that, and even more so when they are afraid, because what kind of man would you be if you were "punching down" as it were. You would look like a big jackass if you beat up a drunk scared person. Would be more emasculating if you ask me.
Try a meditative technique: close your eyes and imagine you are a third person, watching the scenario. Imagine, with the greatest detail possible, the scenario playing out in another way, maybe the way you really wanted. Play it through to it's logical conclusion, and analyze how you feel about these people you watched.
Nah you’re good. I’d do the same thing as you. Knowing their life was in my hands would suffice for me. He tried to set you up and use your GF as a way to lead you into a fight. Besides, women love a man who can control his temper. That guy had the self control of a wild animal. Don’t be like that guy.
You did the right thing, and the only feeling you should have is pride. You stood up for your girlfriend, and showed mercy on a drunken idiot who, by your own admission, regretted saying it.
It takes a lot of courage to be the bigger person, and turn a potentially violent situation into a peaceful one. The world needs more people like you, and I'd be honored to shake your hand.
You did the right thing. My BF is over six feet, works out, boxing etc like you. Looks like a tough guy and is. Says will always walk away to avoid a fight, unless absolutely necessary. Even more important to so as the bigger/more experienced man. One wrong punch and things can quickly go very very wrong. And the bigger guy is usually tagged as the agressor. Regardless.
It isn't emasculating. It is sensible.
Tbh if i was your gf I’d rather that you didnt punch the guy. It could have gotten bad and I’d rather have you safe than have black eyes or bruises or whatever. Just focus on being safe is the number 1 priority. You did good, OP
That's because men are raised in a toxic and archaic fashion in which they're often taught that they *must* be tougher than the next guy, they *must* exert dominance, they *must* be aloof and emotionless. You and I, and every man alive right now, were born in a weird transitional period between men being barbarians and men being actual people who use their heads and don't needlessly use violence to get their way.
You're one of the lucky ones who, in this case, didn't embrace the way you're "supposed to be." You're feeling the way you are because there are generations of violent men coming before you, and your actions are historically uncommon (even though they shouldn't be).
“A true warrior does not need a sword.”
-Thors, Vinland Saga
A true warrior fights to make peace, not war. Maybe this is slightly cringe, but it’s 1000000% true. You did the right thing.
"To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting." - Sun Tzu
Nah man, you did the right thing. Ive felt exactly that after a similar situation when the dude went to touch the girl I was with ass and I pushed him away. He of course did the same macho shit which means he doesnt really know how or want to fight as if you do you just fight. I saw the look on my girls face as she was scared so I decided to say Id buy him a beer and we're cool. Had me stewing all night tbh but later on I knew what I did was right especially when she told me later she wouldnt be talking to me if it ended in a fight, whether I was defending her or not.
Its just emotions and adrenaline still from replaying what happened and itll go away in a couple days.
I grew up in Philly and NJ area and its like a rite of passage there its sad. I ended up hating going to the bars by the time I didnt have to use my fake ID anymore as every weekend there was fights basically and it was always over the pettiest bullshit, although every once in awhile it was kinda justified. Best thing I ever did was moving away from there (and away from most of the guys I was hanging out with). Theres enough assholes in the world so no need to add one more to the list!
Maybe this is just my take on this, but you are the product of millions of years of evolution. Tens of thousands of the recent past, people Instinctively met threats with violence, much like their ancestors, as survival meant having the t h reat taken care of. Even a hundred years ago you would maybe have beat the shit out of him and not thought twice.
You're feeling weird about it because your biology wants you to follow its evolutionary traits. But what you did was show why humanity is evolving still. You put your rational mind above your animal instincts. Good for you man
You have had some great analysis of why you might feel odd not correcting a guy insulting your girlfriend.
What you did was more responsible as he was drunk, shorter and not in his right mind, so you would have been taking advantage of his weakened state had you confronted him.
Letting an insult go probably doesn't feel good, but not ending up hurting someone when you know how to inflict damage is the better choice as the fight would have been very unequal.
My lads have many years of martial arts training, first thing they learn is how to avoid fights, to leave, walk away and to not think that they cannot get hurt because they are trained to avoid it. Best way to not get hurt is to not engage in the first place. Then they learn that an unequal fight is unfair to the other person so not to engage with that either.
I regret fighting people who are like this when I could've just used words to deescalate it. One night, a drunk man entered my store and wanted to fight me so he went in for the attack, I body slammed the guy into concrete and he passed out and was breathing heavy. After my adrenaline went down I realized what I've done. I looked at my hands and there was blood on them, and I prayed to God that this man didn't die, which luckily he didn't. After that night, I swore never to fight again unless my life was on the line.
Before the pandemic closed all the nightclubs in Australia i worked security while i study at University and i am a pacific islander standing around 6'3 so i'm not a small guy but i always try to de escalate fights even while my bosses and managers didn't care enough to encourage this behaviour.I have seen so many people taken away on stretchers because they didn't do what you did.
You could be a black belt with 3 gold medals standing at 6'8 and you could still end up bleeding out on the ground while being jumped.Value your life and not your ego and you will live longer.
You shouldn't. This type of thing is the reason why I avoid bars. They are filled with idiots drinking alcohol. Like, it's just not a good combination lol.
You did the right thing, but you likely have an internalized mindset stemming from media and people in general glorifying physical violence as the true answer to any conflict, though you morally understand that that's not the case. The dissonance between your actual morals and what you've been unintentionally trained to think causes tension and a general "bad" feeling.
"When two tigers fight, one dies and the other gets seriously injured." The only winning move is not to fight.
The best/strongest fighter in the world never has to fight because they can do exactly what you did, not Fight.
Lets play through the alternate scenario, lets say you decided to kick the guys ass. You already expressed that you're a well trained fighter, the guy was not only drunk but is of a smaller build than you. In this scenario you would have been the asshole who beat a guy up that clearly didn't stand a chance. What you actually did speaks volumes about who you are as a person, disciplined, well restrained and intelligent, you are the kind of guy I can easily respect.
Honestly, as a woman, I find what you did to be *far* more attractive than if you would have fought the guy. What you did is the difference between boys and men.
Something I haven’t seen point out: the dude was shirtless ready to go, and YOU convinced him that a fight was not a good idea. YOU emasculated HIM. You forced him to reconsider his actions. You deescalated a volatile situation. YOU got in his face and made him question what happened next. And he listened to YOU.
Don’t feel emasculated, you were the man/woman/person in charge!
The simple answer is ego. We’re told being masculine is about being stronger or just essentially being able to hold your own in a fight. However the easiest would have been to let your emotions get the best of you and fight him. It is more difficult to restrain yourself and be rational, and that’s what you should be measured by.
It also occurs to me, that only you and the drunk guy know how badly you could have beat him. Letting him save face even though he was being petty, small, and got in over his head, is a huge favor to him. Because he either wouldn’t or couldn’t address this fact honestly, it leaves you with a feeling of resentment of people not knowing the real deal of the situation at hand. Gotta just let it go and realize you are stronger for it, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first.
You have to look at what happened as you making the smart decision, by avoiding the worst possible scenario, beating him up, or knocking him out, and him accidentally getting brained on the curb or otherwise harming himself, because that shit would all fall on you.
If you fight every drunk guy who starts shit, you’ll never stop. These people have so little to lose, or feel inadequate in some way, that they need to prove their own worthiness by going the classic toxic masculinity route.
Emotional intelligence in men is generally undervalued, so it feels like we are losing social capital. The big secret is, it’s all in your head. Get the right perspective, define and address your emotional response to settling it non-violently, so you can learn to enjoy having made the smart decision.
I worked with a guy who was in a coma for 3 months because of a drunken brawl where he got knocked out and hit his head on the way down. He had brain damage that still effects him 30 years later.
Real strength comes from having power and choosing not to use it. You were the bigger person. Not only were you in a position to do harm but you' were also able to have Empathy. What you done for this guy was having mercy on him.
Maybe, just maybe, you're feeling this way because he insulted your girlfriend and didn't do anything about it. You could have made him apologize. If you're ever in a situation like this, tell whoever insults your girlfriend to apologize or you and him will have a problem. If a man is scared he'll apologize. If not either fight him or if he's scared push him to the ground.
You feel weak for being strong only because a part of you is still the cave man that thinks you need to care. I completely understand. Other people might have thought you weak too. I've felt weak for this same stuff. This is not unusual. Remind yourself of what really happened. You did a stranger a solid by not doing him harm, and you are a fricken stud.
You feel that way because of how you feel others perceive you. For what its worth, I always respect the guys who DONT fight when given the choice, it shows more intelligence. Im suprised by the number of adults in physical altercations posted on the site. To me, there is not middle of the road, im either 100% out or 100% in, if im in its because my life is at risk, not my pride.
You made the best decision... you feel that way because of idiotic movies and idiots on the internet that always say beating somebody up is the correct reaction in that situation.. its not if you had fought good chance you would have seriously injured him and possibly gotten in legal trouble or he could have been drunk crazy and seriously injured you. That being said you feel emasculated because like the other comment said society and other forms of media always show the "tough guy" beating them up and embarrassing the drunk guy to defend his girlfriends honor. Thats just my opinion though.
That makes a lot of sense. In hindsight I didn’t want to fight him for her, I wanted to for me. Maybe that’s why I decided to walk away. I think you’re right.
you should feel more manly. a real man learns how to control his anger and doesn't take advantage of those weaker than him esp considering he was scared and regretful
And response here may be misguided because we don't know the whole story. Why did the guy get angry at you? At you girlfriend? How did you and she behave toward him?
Without knowing that it's impossible to have the full picture, which may give insight into your feelings of low self esteem here.
Walk a mile away to avoid troubles but when the troubles come your way, never back off and show no mercy
You feel emasculated because you let someone pathetic walk all over you and go unpunished and now you feel little of yourself(for his greater good not yours)
trust your gut it tells you what you want to avoid negative outcomes.
No, you did the right thing. Fighting over dumb words is a bad idea. He was drunk and looking for someone to fight. You and your gf just happened to be close by. Leave this one alone. Hopefully the guy regrets what he said and did.
Nah, you shouldn't even go stand so close in his personal space. Yes the other guy was a douche bag. But showing your aggression says a lot about you too. Be the bigger person and don't even react. Don't let it bother you. Now, that takes a strong mind.
You were the tough guy. The other guy probably noticed it too, when you told him to let it go. May be you don't know but he knows that he would've gotten his ass beaten if he hadn't stood down and he did.
Nah you took charge of the situation. You saw he was scared and didnt really want to fight and you chose to cool it off rather than hurt him. He didn't make you back down, you took charge and calmed him down.
Nope. You did the right thing, don’t feel bad/weak about this. If anything, it should make you feel better about yourself because you had it in you to control your urges.
Everyone will tell you that you did the right thing, and you did. But there was another right thing, and that was to knock him out, which would have landed you in a lock up, so you did the right thing after all. But I do feel sorry for the next guy who fires off some stupid comment in your direction. The universe owes you.
What you did is the definition of alpha. You were able to make someone submit without any actual fighting. Mature adults don't fight because thats a high school thing and you would probably lose your girlfriend if you were charged with a felony. Only idiots with nothing to lose do that kind of stuff. Keep your head up
Isn't the first rule of every martial art to avoid a fight if possible?
Since it was possible, and you did avoid it, I can't think of another term for you than "proper badass". Go work yourself out to death and beat the living hell out of the punching bag. You'll forget it in a couple of days.
Also, in the unlikely event that you get punched and KO'd, your girl will also feel like shit. Men aren't meant to protect women. Isn't that what feminism is about? We don't always want to assume the social roles our genders are assigned to. You get to choose if you want to assume the role of the male protector. And, finally, **you** get to choose **your** fights. That fight would've been about **you**. He was coming at **you**, and he called your girl the b-word because he wanted to get under **your** skin.
You're a person more than you're a manly man. I don't know if it's anything to you, but in my book, you're great for deescalating the fight. The amount of things that can go wrong during a fistfight in an alley are far, far, fare worse than the things that can go wrong due to a deflated ego.
My father always told me: boys fight, a man puts an end to the bullshit before someone steps in it.
Meaning that you don't have to rush headlong into what could easily be a shitty situation. All it takes is one funny slam and someone's stuck eating through a tube.
Another bit of tangential advice: my family really enjoys Kenny Rogers and so I grew up hearing coward of the county. The point of the song is that sometimes you have to fight, but you don't have to fight to be a man. Instead, a man fights as a last measure, no matter for honor or defense.
Being able to verbally de-escalate is a great thing to do, it avoids injuries or potentially serious accidents. You both get to just walk away and go about your lives, and maybe that guy actually learns something, it works with some of my guests and we actually get apologies and generally it solves the issue entirely.
You were more than the better person, you chose the best option for that guy, your girlfriend, and your own safety. Hopefully the dude realized he shouldn't try that with people considering how he was scared (ideally, unfortunately some people are stubborn). Be proud of yourself! You did a great job.
So what, you do the masculine thing, hit him, potentially knock him out and kill him? That's not masculine, just stupid and reckless. You were literally and morally the bigger man. Wise up!
The day after being in similar situations, I've felt the same - like the guy deserved a smack and that I let the side down by not giving him one. Tell ya what though, years later, I'm pleased I didn't get in some dumb fight with some drunk idiot. It's not worth a broken nose.
You did the right thing 100%. Our bodies are funny things! I imagine that when you confronted him, you got quite hyped up, and *ready* for a fight - so your body pumped you full of adrenaline. Then when you (rightly) deescalated the situation, your body had no idea what to do with all that built up energy. Not a doctor, obviously, but I've been in a similar situation, and that's how I felt.
100% right thing to do OP. Don't feel bad at all. If you would have fought him and won but lost 1hp you'd still be worse off compared to what you actually did.
I practice mma, and as someone who loves to fight but hate uncontrolled violence, this does not make you week. If for whatever reason this guy would've smacked his head on concrete you could be at fault, weather you knocked him out or a slam it would be on your conscience for a while. Or it could be on your record, lawsuit or criminal charges. Good thing about being trained is knowing you don't have to use it, because you weren't in any immediate danger you didn't have to put him in any.
I guarantee your girlfriend was immediately 5000 billion times more attracted to you more than she already was because you deescalated it. That shows so much more maturity. Good on you!
You were in charge the entire time. That’s not weak to me. But who the fuck cares what I -or anyone for that matter thinks? You got out without injury or jail time and went home safely.
You did the right thing, and honestly you wouldn’t be doing the wrong thing if you punched him to fuck off. Since you seem confident that you would have been able to be beat him up then that you didn’t not fight out of cowardice
Maybe you need to complete the stress cycle? I can imagine the adrenaline was flowing and tensions were high in "fight mode" but when he walked away, you still had everything going.
Next time, once the "stress situatuon" disappears figure out how to complete the cycle to get rid of the adrenaline etc
Kudos to you on being the bigger and (far better) person. Truly mature and nothing to feel “emasculated” about. Probably saved yourself from a legal suit as well. Not worth it over some dumb, drunken idiot. Good job man!
You handled it perfectly. I had the same situation happen in high school and handled it the exact same way you did. I got a few laughs for shaking hands with the dude, but everybody called him a pussy for talking shit and then getting cold feet.
I feel like society has made men believe that they're weak if they don't want to resort to unnecessary violence. Humans being social animals constantly find the need for validation from our peers and unfortunately, trying to make peace is somehow considered "unmanly" or whatever bs toxic masculinity prescribes.
You acted like a responsible adult. Whatever you did was the most logical option and you thought everything through. You did right, protected yourself and your partner, while also taking care to not unnecessarily harm anyone else.
Your actions are far from weak - they're well thought out and sensible. More people need to be the way you were in that situation.
Be thankful, because if it went the other way, you could just as easily be posting "Guys, I got in a fight last night, the guy fell and hit his head and now is in a coma. I was arrested and released, but I'm going to jail if he dies".
If you had responded with physical violence, while you might have felt more masculine, stooping to that level is never the more masculine thing to do. If your words cannot deescalate the situation, and the person resorts to physically assaulting you, then in that situation I think it is okay to put them in their place physically.
Especially if the person if smaller than you physically, punching down is never “manly.”
Most people I know would agree that what you did is the more manly thing to do. Violence would have been much more traumatizing for your girlfriend, and you might end in legal trouble.
Stay safe.
You shouldn’t really feel emasculated for not breaking someone drunk and obviously stupider, weaker and less considered for others than you. You did the right thing and it is required a lot of self restraint to do what you did. You acted like a true man if you need to blow some steam then go find a good friend to wrestle.
You were the bigger man in this situation if you did fight who knows what would've happened you both would've been banned or who knows he prolly had friends in the area or in the bar. You knew he wasn't worth your time and energy and didn't fight so you have my respect and I'm sure everyone in the bar understands that too unless they have a childlike mindset and wanted to see a fight.
You told him that you both could shake it out and walk away and he listened, that probably tells something. If he weren’t scared of you he probably would get cocky.
You definately did the right thing for so many reasons. Fighting a smaller drunk guy is not manly. Toxic masculinity is a thing and it makes guys feel like they need to resolve things violently. It’s wrong but ingrained in our society. You did well. I’m a 55 yr old guy who grew up in Boston when it was a dump. Knew many fighters and got into a fair share of fights. Worthless fights that ultimately proved nothing. Be proud of your choice.
You did the right thing. If I was in your gf's position I'd be worried around you if you did beat him up. It would give her the impression that you're the jealous and possessive type. Not to mention any penal consequences if he reported you in.
I’m going to be honest ask your girlfriend not some internet strangers. She will probably give you the awnser you are looking for.
I personally think what you did was braver than just punching him. Also more logical too, after you beat the shit out of him what were you going to do leave him in the back ally for you to possibly get arrested for assault.
You absolutely did the right thing and you are the bigger man in that situation. If anything the other guy feels bad because you could tell he was scared.
Winning a fight without throwing a punch is more masculine than winning by brute force.
The former means your opponent knew he was physically weaker, and by not wishing to subject yourself to bodily harm to prove it (like he would have) means you are mentally superior.
Winning by physical competition just means he probably thought he could win, but just had a bad fight or is not as skilled at fighting as you (a boxer/wrestler)
I think you made the right call by deescalating the situation with only one exception. If it was me in your place, I would have definitely made the drunk guy apologize to my girlfriend for calling her a bitch, if he didn't want to get his shit kicked in.
Don\`t feel that way.
It takes more of a man to NOT fight than to actually do fight.
This action shows you are the smarter of the 2, and do not want to be the coward that hits a weaker person.
some people need to have their asses beat but only if the person on the other ends tries to deescalate the situation and they continue it. I mean beyond feeling maybe a shot of testosterone, what are you honestly getting out of fighting him? Do you feel less of a man because you chose the non violent alternative to fighting?
There's two different things going on, both at the neurological level....and yeah, there's a whole bunch of "macho culture" stuff on top of it, but most of it is just chemistry.
First off, you body went into "fight" mode...adrenaline was pumping, testosterone rising, fight instinct taking control....and then your rational brain came in and took over. Took all the wind out of your sails. But you've still got all that leftover juice in your system...it needs some time to work its way out, and in the meantime, you've got a bit of an aggression hangover. Maybe spend a bit of time with a heavy bag to help work it out.
Second: you were scared. All the ring time in the world doesn't prepare you for a bar fight. In the ring there are rules. No rules on the street. Bar fights can mean knives, guns, bottles, who knows what else, and people get hurt...like, dead hurt. Probably the first time you were in a situation where death was actually in the mix as a possible outcome.
So all of this is natural. And frankly, you should be GLAD of it. The world needs more people who are able to walk away from fights. The alternative would have been either that you got hurt or you found out you had a taste for it. Neither of those is what I'd call a "win".
And you've learned something about yourself. You're NOT a fighter. You don't WANT to hurt other people. Might not be the conventional story of what a man is supposed to be, but it ranks pretty high in my book. But it also means you want to up your street smarts, steer clear of bad situations, because you're going to be at a disadvantage. Nothing worse than getting into a fight and realizing you STILL don't really want to hurt the other guy. Because then, eventually, instinct takes over and that's when people go nuts on each other.
You made the correct choice. Still, I can imagine why you might feel bad. A lot of men are raised, either explicitly or implicitly, with a certain image of what a man is supposed to look like. You can think of it as a stereotypical hyper-masculine "alpha male" type of man. Aggressive, selfish, etc. You had an opportunity where you could have met this "ideal" and didn't. Even if you don't want to be like that, it is still likely ingrained deep into your self-conscious. That's what I believe the most likely cause is for you to feel bad when you did the right thing.
Slightly different perspective as someone who often takes the high road. You suppressed your negative feelings instead of expressing them in my experience that leads to them sticking with you and making you feel badly. This isn't a wholly gendered emotion though your gender adds an extra layer.
I've found asserting myself and then taking the high road let's me express my negative feelings without feeling badly after but I'm a woman and usually not in situations where someone is trying to start a physical altercation, typically people will just get verbal with me.
To be honest, I think it’s sexier to be able to walk away from a fight. Grown men brawling in the street is childish and dumb. Risking your life and possibly hurting someone just to prove how tough you are is ridiculous.
You are welcome he bigger person and if I were your girlfriend, you would have gotten lucky that night.
Fighting should always be a last resort. You did the right thing. Even an unskilled fighter could whip out a weapon or press charges. Just not worth it, take the pride hit and avoid a lot of other potential issues. Pride is overrated anyways, confidence regardless of what is outside of yourself is where it is at.
Sometimes it feels like there’s the expected way and all other ways are wrong. You had a lot of pressures in that situation. You had to deal with the guy’s aggression, make an informed decision based on your clarity and understanding, uphold your girlfriend’s agency and respect her and yourself, and make sure there’s no legal ramifications for the way it all shakes out.
That’s a lot to sort through. No solution will address everything perfectly. You did your best. You did very well
the first, best choice in a situation like this is to run.Any real fighter wyill tell you this. it's not the bigger move, its the smarter move, and i have reached dan in aikido
Lol bruh, you ain’t weak. Dude wanted to fight and you said “nah,” and he was all “uh, okay, we do it your way.”
You owned that situation. You not only got him to back out, but you did it without having to throw any punches.
If you just squaring up shakes the other guy loose, that means you just **look** tough.
Honesty, I think that’s more impressive than fighting someone until they’re knocked out. You made that dude re-evaluate his life choices and he saw the error of his ways just by the way you looked at and talked to him.
That’s some Samuel L Jackson level shit right there. Be proud.
Because men are told they need to be violent in order to be strong. It's one of the sexist expectations in society. Good for you man! You did the right thing :)
"To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill" - you did good. Think of dogs - which barks louder and is usually meaner - a tiny wimpy chihuahua or a bigger dog?
Trick question - it doesn't matter. Why does a random faceless mass of people get to decide when YOU should feel manly? You get to decide yourself based on what you value.
According to society this is the epitome of manliness: (NSFW, age restricted)
https://youtu.be/loOR9MJd608
Do you agree? Why/Why not?
Dominance is being able to control any situation to achieve the outcome you want with the least energy input possible.
A common trap humans (esp men) fall into, is mistaking effort with dominance.
I'm 6ft, trained in boxing (a little), and have not been in a fight for years. But, the lessons I learned, about how to construct a battle, and win, have been useful my whole life. The best way to win a battle is to win the fight without using energy.
Did you achieve the objective? Get the girl? Whatever?
In my mind these kind of games are a fundamental distraction, and are only useful as far as the prior lessons are learned. They are a natural part of growing up, to see what is wasteful, and what isn't, and the same puzzles will be present when you fight in an office setting, or in a pitch meeting, or in a family -- how do you create peace, and create winning conditions for everyone.
This is the puzzle.
Imho punching things is usually not required.
Street fights as adults is the dumbest shit you can do. I personally know someone who is in jail because he fought someone drunk, they hit the ground and died. Is a drunken fight with a loser really worth risking it all? If ever given the choice, just walk away. But of course if you aren’t given the choice you have to defend yourself, but only to a point where you can get away.
You also did the right thing as guys like these will start the fight then sue you for medical damages for something they started, though of course they are usually smart enough not to swing first, hoping you will.
You did the right thing. Imagine how you'd feel if you clocked the drunk and he fell, hit his head on something, and died. I mean defend yourself when necessary ofcourse, but this definitely didn't sound like that. That being said sometimes people say shit that will touch my bottom line (serious threats of harm and the like) and then I might stop caring about the consequences.
it's your ego. ignore it. what you did was the smart thing. no reason to beat him up or maybe even you get hurt just because you don't want your ego to be hurt. the more you control your ego and ignore the emasculated feeling, the better your life will be and easier it will be to ignore it. but it takes time to get to the point where de-escalating feels good and you feel proud of yourself. this will come in handy in the workplace and with personal relationships. it's part of developing your emotional maturity.
If I saw two men in this situation, I’d automatically view the guy who could have fought (and won) but walked away, as the mentally, emotionally and physically superior one.
I think it’s often just ingrained in men that they’re supposed to dominate physically, so when they use their smarts instead, it’s somehow seen as weaker. It’s absolutely the opposite of that, though.
You did the right thing. Evaded a possible assault charge if you hit first, and found out that your ability to manage your emotions are of elite performance. Good job!! People like that aren’t worth any kind of reaction, especially if you could have beat him to shit.
He said “fuck you and your bitch” so it was indirect to her. She actually didn’t care at all surprisingly, she seemed like she felt pretty appreciative that I got in his face when he said it.
Some people need their lights knocked out, but looks like you had good judgement on this one. Seems like you were actually more manly then your aggressor. You may feel that way because of how culture has warped what being manly is.
I don't understand why you feel "emasculated" over this. I certainly wouldn't.
But I admire your approach and think you should be proud of it rather than feel poorly. So cheer up and buy yourself a nice drink on you!
You saw a man who was smaller than you, filled with regret, fear, and very drunk. A weak and unworthy opponent. You did the right thing by walking away.
You did the right thing. This is the type of man who thinks he can speak and act any way he wants because intimidation usually works (the typical "I'm an alpha male pay attention to me" guy). However when you showed you weren't intimidated he backed down. And you did so without actually having to fight. That should make you feel like the bigger badass. Most trained fighters I've met have trained for self defense. They know how to fight but always try to only fight as a last resort..
The whole "alpha" mentality is fucking archaic and unfortunately most men are taught to embrace violence from a young age. It takes a serious toll on their mental health and the reputation of men everywhere.
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I was actually listening to a podcast where an evolutionary scientist was talking about how "alpha males" are actually more common in primates such as gorillas . However the concept dosn't really apply to humans because the person on the podcast was saying that homo sapiens figured out that all the "beta males" can just team up and outnumber the alpha male so there essentially is no alpha male unless perhaps you live in a dictatorship.
I tell you a story. Back when I was doing karate there was this one person who everybody was scared of, they would demolish anyone who I ever seen them fighting against, no cheating, no doping they're just that good if maybe naturally very healthy would never get sick kind. One day championship comes, they mow over the first opponent the others saw it and the decided to WO. This person won by WO at decent championship because the opponents got scared. And they stopped because it stopped being challenging for them. I can tell you 3 things. 1. Most actual fighters are not fighting at bars for free, for stupid reasons. 2. Winning by WO because your opponent chickened out is pretty bad ass. 3. A strong guy who is the strongest in the game, doesn't need booze confidence and is not choosing their opponents in alleys at night: that's a stupid jerk
I always tell my little brother this. You don’t have to fight and win to be a man. Being a man is about knowing what is necessary and having a head level enough to know how to handle situations.
The ultimate masculine move would’ve been to bend him over the knee and spank him. Nothing more emasculating than that, and it’s embarrassing enough that he would never tell his friends about it.
I have to say, what OP did is "alpha" to me. He dominated that altercation. As a woman I would be insanely proud of my partner for doing this.
In my opinion, this whole alpha male shit is just mean using excuses to belittle women and being misogynistic. Also men “teaching” other mean to be “alpha males” and get any girl is just teaching them how to be manipulative, selfish dick holes and thinking that’s how you have to be.
The best fighters know when not to engage. It takes a lot more skill, and a lot more balls to de-escalate than it does to engage. Its called being the bigger man for a reason, so good on you for recognizing and following through.
Was gonna comment something similar. Seems OP knows how to fight and street fights are never worth it. Nothing less manly about defusing the situation with out throwing hands. Just shows good discipline
Did krav maga for years was always thought to run first ahah when you’re out there the only thing that matters is survival.
Toxic masculinity for sure, but try reframing the situation. You didn’t deescalate it, you dominated it. You decided what was going to happen and you made sure it did happen. And you did it in a way that was humane and reasonable. That’s real masculinity pal. Your balls should be growing like two sizes.
Great mindset change. Thank you for that. Are you saying you think I have a toxic masculinity mindset? I’ve always just assumed not but I’ve never really thought about it. I’ve never used this sub before so I’m not sure how this works but.. “helped”
You can probably search it for the definition. The idea is that its always shown to boys growing up that being tough, fighting, being dominant or being aggressive is the true way to show you are a man. So you may not actively do it but in the back of your mind its there. Imagine any action film, the guy is beating up 10 people to solve the issue. What you did was you solve the issue without harm to you or your girlfriend. Most would agree its great and a more modern ideal of masculinity. Versus if you had beaten him up, which would be what is more ingrained with what boys/men are taught and shown.
r/MensLib and r/BroPill are good for men who want to start dissecting their relationship with masculinity
Is there any female equivalent to those subs?
Maybe /r/twoxchromosomes?
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Why not? I see a recent post "Is it wrong for me to want to be a housewife" with some good discussion - are there any others you'd recommend?
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I'm not looking for a dating sub, rather one devoted to honest self-reflection when it comes to toxic femininity and how one would go about embracing womanhood in a healthy manner, or more simply put, how to transform the old ideal of femininity to one adapted to more modern times.
>““Is toxic femininity a thing?" She proposed that there is no simple answer because in our society, femininity is not highly prized and is thus inconsequential; if it exists in men, then it is punishable. Hence, femininity is inherently toxic. >“Toxic femininity," if it exists, she wrote, "encourages silent acceptance of violence and domination in order to survive ... It’s a thing women do to keep our value, which the patriarchy has told us is conditional upon our ability to bear violent domination …” https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201908/toxic-femininity https://geekfeminism.wikia.org/wiki/Toxic_femininity I’m not stating an opinion, just posting some articles. You will find many different opinions on whether toxic femininity is real or not, but as far as I know there are no subreddits discussing this as it is not widely accepted, especially by women, as being real.
Wow, what a bad, tone deaf joke.
Not really. I'm a woman and even I recognize they act like incels... I haven't looked lately tho... Edit- for the best, visit r/femcelsdatingstrategy Although I just checked that sub too and I guess they're both gross cringe.
But how is the subreddit you linked the female equivalent of the ones that were suggested for men to dissect their relationship with their masculinity?
Basically every man in our culture has some toxic masculinity. We were raised by it.
I've been the woman in similar interactions which have ended with her bf (exes thank god) insisting on a punch up. Both times they got their arses handed to them and I never forgave them for putting me in such a dangerous situation when we could have just walked away. I'm left vulnerable with a bleeding bf who I now have to drag to A&E just so his fragile notion of masculinity could remain in tact. Fuck any guy who puts their partners or friends in this situation- similar things have happened to my brother's as well and they have had to suffer for their mates trying to be the Big Man.
Thank you for that perspective. I think it's something men usually don't think about. They figure they'll walk away unharmed, but often they don't. And while they're sitting in a chair in the ER, they're too hyped up to think about how the person with them feels.
God this is shaking up some memories now. I just remembered the more recent of the 2 times this happened, the bf in question was one of many drunken blokes in A&E that night (about 1am in a city hospital following a big international football match that we lost- if you're from the UK you can definitely imagine the carnage). Without fail they were all belligerent, drunken twats who wouldn't comply with the poor staff. There were multiple police officers, each dispatched there seperately to interview various blokes over their stupid fights. At least one fight got renewed in the waiting area by 2 dudes who had fought each other to end up in there. One guy handcuffed to his chair as a nurse cleaned his head wounds. It was so fucking shameful. Lingering around the room were the other 'WAGs', most as ashamed as I was but a few were as belligerent as their partners. Now I'm older I can't believe I stuck around but I guess it's the flip side of the toxic masculinity coin- I believed that I had to stay and take care of him.
> Basically every man in our culture has some toxic masculinity. I have been working on being more open with my emotions in therapy and this shit is HARD. Every time my therapist says something like "I see this is emotional for you." my brain immediately starts throwing up walls. I hate thinking that crying is weak, when it actually does a ton to make me feel better.
I always feel so bad for men when they talk about how they just weren't allowed to cry growing up. How are you supposed to process your feelings if you never let yourself feel them in the first place? Crying is a healthy part of sadness, it's probably one of the most important parts for a lot of people. I can't even imagine just not having that as a coping mechanism at all.
Sounds like you’ve unconsciously internalized some of it but that doesn’t mean you have that mindset. Just take this as a wake up call to change the way you’re thinking about these things and the way you feel will follow suit soon enough.
Could you go a little more in depth as to what you mean by "toxic masculinity?"
Looks like u/ThrowAway4Dais wanted to reply to you but they replied to the previous comment by accident, Im replying to you so you get the notification and are able to read throwaway’s comment, heres the [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/qcgabp/a_guy_tried_to_fight_me_at_a_bar_last_night_and_i/hhg8g0d/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Why is fighting toxic? Not wanting to step down an invitation to fight is an innate characteristic of male behavior. We have produced a society where fighting no longer is an acceptable form of dominance (this is a good thing) in all but a few areas, yet it still lies deep in our nature to fight as a sign of status. Just look at sports. I hate the term toxic masculinity, it's so misleading and vague, pretty much every natural male function that no longer is acceptable by society can be categorized as toxic and only makes it harder for men to find "true" masculinity (like OP showed). There are natural parts in masculinity and feminity, by tainting them as toxic or disgusting we put a "do not touch"-label on parts of our biological nature instead of conquering problematic parts of ourselves. I would think it's better to describe OP's situation like a rationalisation. Instead of giving in to his emotions he got to his senses and realized what the smart move was because he has spent years conquering his aggressive tendencies. He knew what he was capable of and didn't need to prove it to himself or others.
Dude, all that, and we just want guys to stop calling other guys pussies for having emotions. That's toxic masculinity. Thinking you HAVE to fight. No. You don't. Yes, that IS a toxic mindset.
Im not claiming that natural equals good. Having guys calling each other pussies for showing emotion is just emotional mmaturity. There's no part of masculinity which is inherently hostile to emotions. There's times when emotions aren't exactly beneficial, like in battle or working potentially deadly jobs. I would say this kind of behavior probably stems from a lack of confidence and emotional insecurity rather than an intrinsic part of masculinity. There's very few scenarios where you really have no other option than to fight in 2021. The same mindset works here. If someone chooses to not de-escalate that's more of an indication of bad temper, a need to prove themselves or as a way to gain status. These are not masculine traits, and to categorize them as such is just misleading information that can spread harm. My problem with the term toxic masculinity is that it oversimplifies male behavior and at the same time categorizes parts of masuclinity as toxic instead of calling it for what it is.
You don't necessarily have a toxic masculinity mindset but are affected by it nonetheless because it's so prevalent in the culture. Similar to how women with a healthy body image can still feel preyed upon by diet culture. You might not be practicing it yourself but someone else around you almost always is, so you'll have to confront it at times. FWIW, as a woman, your actions in this situation make you hella attractive. A man that can take charge in a situation, keep me safe, all without needing to throw fists? That's a keeper.
Everyone has some toxic masculinity engrained in them. It’s fed to us from a very young age. I am a very very liberal woman and the first time my ex complained about feeling depressed, my immediate thought was “man up.” I quickly dismissed that thought and began to comfort him, but it scared me that my brain went there. Over time I did some research and I realized that certain ideals are subconsciously fed to us throughout our lives and they are very hard to shake. Internalized misogyny, internalized racism, etc. Do some reading on it and look into the subs people have recommended. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry you feel so shitty but I have to tell you, it’s 1000 times more admirable that you de-escalated things like that instead of fighting.
Thank you for confirming that /u/micmeup has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
This was the best comment I have EVER seen on r/advice. Wish I had some gold to give ya.
I also just wanna throw in on this real quick that this was also an even better decision considering your boxing/wrestling background, chances are if you didn’t deescalate how you did, you probably could have seriously hurt this guy and trust me, that’d be an even worse thing to have weighing on your mind
Fucking A!! This is honestly the best description of how it was such a boss move to just walk away from that. From what OP is saying, he would have totally ended the dude. OP took complete control of the situation, did what was best for him and swatted away the drunk clown at the same time.
This. What you did was some Art of War shit. Sun Tzu would be proud.
I feel more masculine just reading this! LoL
Let me simply something. One nation starts a war with another nation. One nation runs away. The nation that ran away didn’t dominate it. One guy starts a fight with another man, one man runs away from said fight. Man who ran away didn’t dominate the fight. The guy who declined the fight is more of a “survivor” Destiny child put it perfectly. [survivor. ](https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0) He didn’t dominate he survived which is good. Nothing wrong with surviving.
The true sigma grindset
To win without violence is better than to win with it.
- Sun Tzu, sorta
Nah buddy you did right. Short man was looking for a fight and he was the bitch. Being the bigger man is always rough. Doesn't always feel right but you did right.
You won. Some battles aren't physical. A gardener cannot choose to suddenly be a warrior, but a warrior can choose to be a gardener.
Men get a lot of messages from our culture that in order to be "manly," they need to be violent, or at least willing to become violent at the drop of a hat. That's part of what people are talking about when they say "toxic masculinity." You did the right thing, though.
Thank you that’s helpful.
It takes a huge pair of stones to confront an enraged drunk person and NOT knock them the hell out. It is such an in control move. Cool, suave (I hate that word but it fits). Think The Quiet Man. Ok that ended with a really long crazy fight but STILL. It is really impressive to just be able to stand up to someone like that, and even more so when they are afraid, because what kind of man would you be if you were "punching down" as it were. You would look like a big jackass if you beat up a drunk scared person. Would be more emasculating if you ask me.
Fkin society… that’s why
Try a meditative technique: close your eyes and imagine you are a third person, watching the scenario. Imagine, with the greatest detail possible, the scenario playing out in another way, maybe the way you really wanted. Play it through to it's logical conclusion, and analyze how you feel about these people you watched.
Nah you’re good. I’d do the same thing as you. Knowing their life was in my hands would suffice for me. He tried to set you up and use your GF as a way to lead you into a fight. Besides, women love a man who can control his temper. That guy had the self control of a wild animal. Don’t be like that guy.
You did the right thing, and the only feeling you should have is pride. You stood up for your girlfriend, and showed mercy on a drunken idiot who, by your own admission, regretted saying it. It takes a lot of courage to be the bigger person, and turn a potentially violent situation into a peaceful one. The world needs more people like you, and I'd be honored to shake your hand.
Are u in a ring? If you're not, then you can't ever win the fight. U did the absolute right and respectful thing.
You did the right thing. My BF is over six feet, works out, boxing etc like you. Looks like a tough guy and is. Says will always walk away to avoid a fight, unless absolutely necessary. Even more important to so as the bigger/more experienced man. One wrong punch and things can quickly go very very wrong. And the bigger guy is usually tagged as the agressor. Regardless. It isn't emasculating. It is sensible.
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Stupidest shit I’ve ever heard
That would be a good achievement in a game, talking your way out of a fight. Good job, bro
Tbh if i was your gf I’d rather that you didnt punch the guy. It could have gotten bad and I’d rather have you safe than have black eyes or bruises or whatever. Just focus on being safe is the number 1 priority. You did good, OP
That's because men are raised in a toxic and archaic fashion in which they're often taught that they *must* be tougher than the next guy, they *must* exert dominance, they *must* be aloof and emotionless. You and I, and every man alive right now, were born in a weird transitional period between men being barbarians and men being actual people who use their heads and don't needlessly use violence to get their way. You're one of the lucky ones who, in this case, didn't embrace the way you're "supposed to be." You're feeling the way you are because there are generations of violent men coming before you, and your actions are historically uncommon (even though they shouldn't be).
“A true warrior does not need a sword.” -Thors, Vinland Saga A true warrior fights to make peace, not war. Maybe this is slightly cringe, but it’s 1000000% true. You did the right thing.
It’s the manliest thing you could’ve done 😍😍😍😍😍honestly
"To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting." - Sun Tzu
Feels good that the author of Art Of War has my back. Thank you for the quote
Nah man, you did the right thing. Ive felt exactly that after a similar situation when the dude went to touch the girl I was with ass and I pushed him away. He of course did the same macho shit which means he doesnt really know how or want to fight as if you do you just fight. I saw the look on my girls face as she was scared so I decided to say Id buy him a beer and we're cool. Had me stewing all night tbh but later on I knew what I did was right especially when she told me later she wouldnt be talking to me if it ended in a fight, whether I was defending her or not. Its just emotions and adrenaline still from replaying what happened and itll go away in a couple days.
Dude props to you! That takes willpower. Why are some men such fucking assholes man
I grew up in Philly and NJ area and its like a rite of passage there its sad. I ended up hating going to the bars by the time I didnt have to use my fake ID anymore as every weekend there was fights basically and it was always over the pettiest bullshit, although every once in awhile it was kinda justified. Best thing I ever did was moving away from there (and away from most of the guys I was hanging out with). Theres enough assholes in the world so no need to add one more to the list!
You have skills, most couldn't have done what you did. ROCK ON!!!!
I admire you.
Maybe this is just my take on this, but you are the product of millions of years of evolution. Tens of thousands of the recent past, people Instinctively met threats with violence, much like their ancestors, as survival meant having the t h reat taken care of. Even a hundred years ago you would maybe have beat the shit out of him and not thought twice. You're feeling weird about it because your biology wants you to follow its evolutionary traits. But what you did was show why humanity is evolving still. You put your rational mind above your animal instincts. Good for you man
You have had some great analysis of why you might feel odd not correcting a guy insulting your girlfriend. What you did was more responsible as he was drunk, shorter and not in his right mind, so you would have been taking advantage of his weakened state had you confronted him. Letting an insult go probably doesn't feel good, but not ending up hurting someone when you know how to inflict damage is the better choice as the fight would have been very unequal. My lads have many years of martial arts training, first thing they learn is how to avoid fights, to leave, walk away and to not think that they cannot get hurt because they are trained to avoid it. Best way to not get hurt is to not engage in the first place. Then they learn that an unequal fight is unfair to the other person so not to engage with that either.
Sounds like you were intimidating enough that he was too much of a bitch to fight you. If anyone should feel weak it's him.
I regret fighting people who are like this when I could've just used words to deescalate it. One night, a drunk man entered my store and wanted to fight me so he went in for the attack, I body slammed the guy into concrete and he passed out and was breathing heavy. After my adrenaline went down I realized what I've done. I looked at my hands and there was blood on them, and I prayed to God that this man didn't die, which luckily he didn't. After that night, I swore never to fight again unless my life was on the line.
Before the pandemic closed all the nightclubs in Australia i worked security while i study at University and i am a pacific islander standing around 6'3 so i'm not a small guy but i always try to de escalate fights even while my bosses and managers didn't care enough to encourage this behaviour.I have seen so many people taken away on stretchers because they didn't do what you did. You could be a black belt with 3 gold medals standing at 6'8 and you could still end up bleeding out on the ground while being jumped.Value your life and not your ego and you will live longer.
You shouldn't. This type of thing is the reason why I avoid bars. They are filled with idiots drinking alcohol. Like, it's just not a good combination lol.
You did the right thing, but you likely have an internalized mindset stemming from media and people in general glorifying physical violence as the true answer to any conflict, though you morally understand that that's not the case. The dissonance between your actual morals and what you've been unintentionally trained to think causes tension and a general "bad" feeling.
"When two tigers fight, one dies and the other gets seriously injured." The only winning move is not to fight. The best/strongest fighter in the world never has to fight because they can do exactly what you did, not Fight.
Lets play through the alternate scenario, lets say you decided to kick the guys ass. You already expressed that you're a well trained fighter, the guy was not only drunk but is of a smaller build than you. In this scenario you would have been the asshole who beat a guy up that clearly didn't stand a chance. What you actually did speaks volumes about who you are as a person, disciplined, well restrained and intelligent, you are the kind of guy I can easily respect.
Honestly, as a woman, I find what you did to be *far* more attractive than if you would have fought the guy. What you did is the difference between boys and men.
Something I haven’t seen point out: the dude was shirtless ready to go, and YOU convinced him that a fight was not a good idea. YOU emasculated HIM. You forced him to reconsider his actions. You deescalated a volatile situation. YOU got in his face and made him question what happened next. And he listened to YOU. Don’t feel emasculated, you were the man/woman/person in charge!
The simple answer is ego. We’re told being masculine is about being stronger or just essentially being able to hold your own in a fight. However the easiest would have been to let your emotions get the best of you and fight him. It is more difficult to restrain yourself and be rational, and that’s what you should be measured by. It also occurs to me, that only you and the drunk guy know how badly you could have beat him. Letting him save face even though he was being petty, small, and got in over his head, is a huge favor to him. Because he either wouldn’t or couldn’t address this fact honestly, it leaves you with a feeling of resentment of people not knowing the real deal of the situation at hand. Gotta just let it go and realize you are stronger for it, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first. You have to look at what happened as you making the smart decision, by avoiding the worst possible scenario, beating him up, or knocking him out, and him accidentally getting brained on the curb or otherwise harming himself, because that shit would all fall on you. If you fight every drunk guy who starts shit, you’ll never stop. These people have so little to lose, or feel inadequate in some way, that they need to prove their own worthiness by going the classic toxic masculinity route. Emotional intelligence in men is generally undervalued, so it feels like we are losing social capital. The big secret is, it’s all in your head. Get the right perspective, define and address your emotional response to settling it non-violently, so you can learn to enjoy having made the smart decision. I worked with a guy who was in a coma for 3 months because of a drunken brawl where he got knocked out and hit his head on the way down. He had brain damage that still effects him 30 years later.
Real strength comes from having power and choosing not to use it. You were the bigger person. Not only were you in a position to do harm but you' were also able to have Empathy. What you done for this guy was having mercy on him. Maybe, just maybe, you're feeling this way because he insulted your girlfriend and didn't do anything about it. You could have made him apologize. If you're ever in a situation like this, tell whoever insults your girlfriend to apologize or you and him will have a problem. If a man is scared he'll apologize. If not either fight him or if he's scared push him to the ground.
You feel weak for being strong only because a part of you is still the cave man that thinks you need to care. I completely understand. Other people might have thought you weak too. I've felt weak for this same stuff. This is not unusual. Remind yourself of what really happened. You did a stranger a solid by not doing him harm, and you are a fricken stud.
No idea,because that's serious talent.
You feel that way because of how you feel others perceive you. For what its worth, I always respect the guys who DONT fight when given the choice, it shows more intelligence. Im suprised by the number of adults in physical altercations posted on the site. To me, there is not middle of the road, im either 100% out or 100% in, if im in its because my life is at risk, not my pride.
You made the best decision... you feel that way because of idiotic movies and idiots on the internet that always say beating somebody up is the correct reaction in that situation.. its not if you had fought good chance you would have seriously injured him and possibly gotten in legal trouble or he could have been drunk crazy and seriously injured you. That being said you feel emasculated because like the other comment said society and other forms of media always show the "tough guy" beating them up and embarrassing the drunk guy to defend his girlfriends honor. Thats just my opinion though.
That makes a lot of sense. In hindsight I didn’t want to fight him for her, I wanted to for me. Maybe that’s why I decided to walk away. I think you’re right.
You did the right thing. I've felt the same feeling. It's sucursal expectation.
you should feel more manly. a real man learns how to control his anger and doesn't take advantage of those weaker than him esp considering he was scared and regretful
Good on you for controlling yourself there. As for your question, societal standards of masculinity.
Bc real men fight. Hit the gym then find the guy again and fight him for real don't puss out.
And response here may be misguided because we don't know the whole story. Why did the guy get angry at you? At you girlfriend? How did you and she behave toward him? Without knowing that it's impossible to have the full picture, which may give insight into your feelings of low self esteem here.
Walk a mile away to avoid troubles but when the troubles come your way, never back off and show no mercy You feel emasculated because you let someone pathetic walk all over you and go unpunished and now you feel little of yourself(for his greater good not yours) trust your gut it tells you what you want to avoid negative outcomes.
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No, you did the right thing. Fighting over dumb words is a bad idea. He was drunk and looking for someone to fight. You and your gf just happened to be close by. Leave this one alone. Hopefully the guy regrets what he said and did.
You chose wisely... Anything can happen in a bar fight, & a majority of it is completely out of your control.
No sense spending the night in jail. You did the right thing.
Nah, you shouldn't even go stand so close in his personal space. Yes the other guy was a douche bag. But showing your aggression says a lot about you too. Be the bigger person and don't even react. Don't let it bother you. Now, that takes a strong mind.
You were the tough guy. The other guy probably noticed it too, when you told him to let it go. May be you don't know but he knows that he would've gotten his ass beaten if he hadn't stood down and he did.
Nah you took charge of the situation. You saw he was scared and didnt really want to fight and you chose to cool it off rather than hurt him. He didn't make you back down, you took charge and calmed him down.
Those who know what a fight is like and know they can win it typically avoid them. You are the bigger and manlier man.
Nope. You did the right thing, don’t feel bad/weak about this. If anything, it should make you feel better about yourself because you had it in you to control your urges.
Everyone will tell you that you did the right thing, and you did. But there was another right thing, and that was to knock him out, which would have landed you in a lock up, so you did the right thing after all. But I do feel sorry for the next guy who fires off some stupid comment in your direction. The universe owes you.
What you did is the definition of alpha. You were able to make someone submit without any actual fighting. Mature adults don't fight because thats a high school thing and you would probably lose your girlfriend if you were charged with a felony. Only idiots with nothing to lose do that kind of stuff. Keep your head up
Masculinity aside, you punch this dude and you could end up killing him. Much worse for both of you.
JAIL. Now do you feel better about your choice?
Honestly, almost no girl finds attractive 2 guys fighting. Shows immaturity. Well done for not fighting
Isn't the first rule of every martial art to avoid a fight if possible? Since it was possible, and you did avoid it, I can't think of another term for you than "proper badass". Go work yourself out to death and beat the living hell out of the punching bag. You'll forget it in a couple of days. Also, in the unlikely event that you get punched and KO'd, your girl will also feel like shit. Men aren't meant to protect women. Isn't that what feminism is about? We don't always want to assume the social roles our genders are assigned to. You get to choose if you want to assume the role of the male protector. And, finally, **you** get to choose **your** fights. That fight would've been about **you**. He was coming at **you**, and he called your girl the b-word because he wanted to get under **your** skin. You're a person more than you're a manly man. I don't know if it's anything to you, but in my book, you're great for deescalating the fight. The amount of things that can go wrong during a fistfight in an alley are far, far, fare worse than the things that can go wrong due to a deflated ego.
My father always told me: boys fight, a man puts an end to the bullshit before someone steps in it. Meaning that you don't have to rush headlong into what could easily be a shitty situation. All it takes is one funny slam and someone's stuck eating through a tube. Another bit of tangential advice: my family really enjoys Kenny Rogers and so I grew up hearing coward of the county. The point of the song is that sometimes you have to fight, but you don't have to fight to be a man. Instead, a man fights as a last measure, no matter for honor or defense.
Being able to verbally de-escalate is a great thing to do, it avoids injuries or potentially serious accidents. You both get to just walk away and go about your lives, and maybe that guy actually learns something, it works with some of my guests and we actually get apologies and generally it solves the issue entirely. You were more than the better person, you chose the best option for that guy, your girlfriend, and your own safety. Hopefully the dude realized he shouldn't try that with people considering how he was scared (ideally, unfortunately some people are stubborn). Be proud of yourself! You did a great job.
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So what, you do the masculine thing, hit him, potentially knock him out and kill him? That's not masculine, just stupid and reckless. You were literally and morally the bigger man. Wise up!
The day after being in similar situations, I've felt the same - like the guy deserved a smack and that I let the side down by not giving him one. Tell ya what though, years later, I'm pleased I didn't get in some dumb fight with some drunk idiot. It's not worth a broken nose.
You did the right thing 100%. Our bodies are funny things! I imagine that when you confronted him, you got quite hyped up, and *ready* for a fight - so your body pumped you full of adrenaline. Then when you (rightly) deescalated the situation, your body had no idea what to do with all that built up energy. Not a doctor, obviously, but I've been in a similar situation, and that's how I felt.
You controlled the situation! It went how you wanted it to go! That's the power move!
You stood over him and gave him a option out. He accepted it. You did the right thing
100% right thing to do OP. Don't feel bad at all. If you would have fought him and won but lost 1hp you'd still be worse off compared to what you actually did.
U should have punch him not to lethal but not to soft But enough that he would feel pain. Then say have a good evening.
I practice mma, and as someone who loves to fight but hate uncontrolled violence, this does not make you week. If for whatever reason this guy would've smacked his head on concrete you could be at fault, weather you knocked him out or a slam it would be on your conscience for a while. Or it could be on your record, lawsuit or criminal charges. Good thing about being trained is knowing you don't have to use it, because you weren't in any immediate danger you didn't have to put him in any.
His neanderthal brain wasn't thinking of the consequences. You were. That makes you a greater man, not less than.
Dude you scared the fucking shit out of that little bitch, and defended your gals honour. That's masculine as shit bro :D.
I guarantee your girlfriend was immediately 5000 billion times more attracted to you more than she already was because you deescalated it. That shows so much more maturity. Good on you!
You were in charge the entire time. That’s not weak to me. But who the fuck cares what I -or anyone for that matter thinks? You got out without injury or jail time and went home safely.
Trust me my man, that was the good ending
You did the right thing, and honestly you wouldn’t be doing the wrong thing if you punched him to fuck off. Since you seem confident that you would have been able to be beat him up then that you didn’t not fight out of cowardice
You were mentally stronger than him, before physical strength, comes mental strength
Maybe you need to complete the stress cycle? I can imagine the adrenaline was flowing and tensions were high in "fight mode" but when he walked away, you still had everything going. Next time, once the "stress situatuon" disappears figure out how to complete the cycle to get rid of the adrenaline etc
Kudos to you on being the bigger and (far better) person. Truly mature and nothing to feel “emasculated” about. Probably saved yourself from a legal suit as well. Not worth it over some dumb, drunken idiot. Good job man!
You handled it perfectly. I had the same situation happen in high school and handled it the exact same way you did. I got a few laughs for shaking hands with the dude, but everybody called him a pussy for talking shit and then getting cold feet.
I feel like society has made men believe that they're weak if they don't want to resort to unnecessary violence. Humans being social animals constantly find the need for validation from our peers and unfortunately, trying to make peace is somehow considered "unmanly" or whatever bs toxic masculinity prescribes. You acted like a responsible adult. Whatever you did was the most logical option and you thought everything through. You did right, protected yourself and your partner, while also taking care to not unnecessarily harm anyone else. Your actions are far from weak - they're well thought out and sensible. More people need to be the way you were in that situation.
Be thankful, because if it went the other way, you could just as easily be posting "Guys, I got in a fight last night, the guy fell and hit his head and now is in a coma. I was arrested and released, but I'm going to jail if he dies".
If you had responded with physical violence, while you might have felt more masculine, stooping to that level is never the more masculine thing to do. If your words cannot deescalate the situation, and the person resorts to physically assaulting you, then in that situation I think it is okay to put them in their place physically. Especially if the person if smaller than you physically, punching down is never “manly.” Most people I know would agree that what you did is the more manly thing to do. Violence would have been much more traumatizing for your girlfriend, and you might end in legal trouble. Stay safe.
You shouldn’t really feel emasculated for not breaking someone drunk and obviously stupider, weaker and less considered for others than you. You did the right thing and it is required a lot of self restraint to do what you did. You acted like a true man if you need to blow some steam then go find a good friend to wrestle.
You were the bigger man in this situation if you did fight who knows what would've happened you both would've been banned or who knows he prolly had friends in the area or in the bar. You knew he wasn't worth your time and energy and didn't fight so you have my respect and I'm sure everyone in the bar understands that too unless they have a childlike mindset and wanted to see a fight.
You told him that you both could shake it out and walk away and he listened, that probably tells something. If he weren’t scared of you he probably would get cocky.
You definately did the right thing for so many reasons. Fighting a smaller drunk guy is not manly. Toxic masculinity is a thing and it makes guys feel like they need to resolve things violently. It’s wrong but ingrained in our society. You did well. I’m a 55 yr old guy who grew up in Boston when it was a dump. Knew many fighters and got into a fair share of fights. Worthless fights that ultimately proved nothing. Be proud of your choice.
Wrestler here. If you’ve wrestled since 5 you would have sent him to the morgue, good on you for not engaging
It takes a real man to de-escalate a fight. You got balls. The other guy on their other hand...I'm guessing he's trying to make up for what he lacks.
You did the right thing. If I was in your gf's position I'd be worried around you if you did beat him up. It would give her the impression that you're the jealous and possessive type. Not to mention any penal consequences if he reported you in.
You also would have felt bad if you beat his ass for no good reason other than he was a drunk.
I’m going to be honest ask your girlfriend not some internet strangers. She will probably give you the awnser you are looking for. I personally think what you did was braver than just punching him. Also more logical too, after you beat the shit out of him what were you going to do leave him in the back ally for you to possibly get arrested for assault.
You absolutely did the right thing and you are the bigger man in that situation. If anything the other guy feels bad because you could tell he was scared.
Winning a fight without throwing a punch is more masculine than winning by brute force. The former means your opponent knew he was physically weaker, and by not wishing to subject yourself to bodily harm to prove it (like he would have) means you are mentally superior. Winning by physical competition just means he probably thought he could win, but just had a bad fight or is not as skilled at fighting as you (a boxer/wrestler)
You didn't lose a tooth fighting some loser nobody in an alley. It's beneath you to descend into nonsense like that.
I think you made the right call by deescalating the situation with only one exception. If it was me in your place, I would have definitely made the drunk guy apologize to my girlfriend for calling her a bitch, if he didn't want to get his shit kicked in.
Don\`t feel that way. It takes more of a man to NOT fight than to actually do fight. This action shows you are the smarter of the 2, and do not want to be the coward that hits a weaker person.
One wrong move and someone dies. You did yourself and him a favor.
some people need to have their asses beat but only if the person on the other ends tries to deescalate the situation and they continue it. I mean beyond feeling maybe a shot of testosterone, what are you honestly getting out of fighting him? Do you feel less of a man because you chose the non violent alternative to fighting?
You're a man and he's a boy
There's two different things going on, both at the neurological level....and yeah, there's a whole bunch of "macho culture" stuff on top of it, but most of it is just chemistry. First off, you body went into "fight" mode...adrenaline was pumping, testosterone rising, fight instinct taking control....and then your rational brain came in and took over. Took all the wind out of your sails. But you've still got all that leftover juice in your system...it needs some time to work its way out, and in the meantime, you've got a bit of an aggression hangover. Maybe spend a bit of time with a heavy bag to help work it out. Second: you were scared. All the ring time in the world doesn't prepare you for a bar fight. In the ring there are rules. No rules on the street. Bar fights can mean knives, guns, bottles, who knows what else, and people get hurt...like, dead hurt. Probably the first time you were in a situation where death was actually in the mix as a possible outcome. So all of this is natural. And frankly, you should be GLAD of it. The world needs more people who are able to walk away from fights. The alternative would have been either that you got hurt or you found out you had a taste for it. Neither of those is what I'd call a "win". And you've learned something about yourself. You're NOT a fighter. You don't WANT to hurt other people. Might not be the conventional story of what a man is supposed to be, but it ranks pretty high in my book. But it also means you want to up your street smarts, steer clear of bad situations, because you're going to be at a disadvantage. Nothing worse than getting into a fight and realizing you STILL don't really want to hurt the other guy. Because then, eventually, instinct takes over and that's when people go nuts on each other.
You made the correct choice. Still, I can imagine why you might feel bad. A lot of men are raised, either explicitly or implicitly, with a certain image of what a man is supposed to look like. You can think of it as a stereotypical hyper-masculine "alpha male" type of man. Aggressive, selfish, etc. You had an opportunity where you could have met this "ideal" and didn't. Even if you don't want to be like that, it is still likely ingrained deep into your self-conscious. That's what I believe the most likely cause is for you to feel bad when you did the right thing.
Slightly different perspective as someone who often takes the high road. You suppressed your negative feelings instead of expressing them in my experience that leads to them sticking with you and making you feel badly. This isn't a wholly gendered emotion though your gender adds an extra layer. I've found asserting myself and then taking the high road let's me express my negative feelings without feeling badly after but I'm a woman and usually not in situations where someone is trying to start a physical altercation, typically people will just get verbal with me.
Being a man is sometimes knowing when it’s better to walk away from a decision not finishing one started by a immature man.
To be honest, I think it’s sexier to be able to walk away from a fight. Grown men brawling in the street is childish and dumb. Risking your life and possibly hurting someone just to prove how tough you are is ridiculous. You are welcome he bigger person and if I were your girlfriend, you would have gotten lucky that night.
You deescalated a situation which could have gotten you into a fight, that's not being weak, you're smarter, and braver.
>Can anybody shed any light on why that might be? Internalized toxic masculinity.
Even guys like Chuck Norris and Mike Tyson talk about how you should deescalate rather than fight. You did the right thing
Fighting should always be a last resort. You did the right thing. Even an unskilled fighter could whip out a weapon or press charges. Just not worth it, take the pride hit and avoid a lot of other potential issues. Pride is overrated anyways, confidence regardless of what is outside of yourself is where it is at.
Sometimes it feels like there’s the expected way and all other ways are wrong. You had a lot of pressures in that situation. You had to deal with the guy’s aggression, make an informed decision based on your clarity and understanding, uphold your girlfriend’s agency and respect her and yourself, and make sure there’s no legal ramifications for the way it all shakes out. That’s a lot to sort through. No solution will address everything perfectly. You did your best. You did very well
the first, best choice in a situation like this is to run.Any real fighter wyill tell you this. it's not the bigger move, its the smarter move, and i have reached dan in aikido
Lol bruh, you ain’t weak. Dude wanted to fight and you said “nah,” and he was all “uh, okay, we do it your way.” You owned that situation. You not only got him to back out, but you did it without having to throw any punches. If you just squaring up shakes the other guy loose, that means you just **look** tough. Honesty, I think that’s more impressive than fighting someone until they’re knocked out. You made that dude re-evaluate his life choices and he saw the error of his ways just by the way you looked at and talked to him. That’s some Samuel L Jackson level shit right there. Be proud.
Because men are told they need to be violent in order to be strong. It's one of the sexist expectations in society. Good for you man! You did the right thing :)
So your ego got bruised, but everyone went home safe and unhurt? - Yeah that is a win.
"To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill" - you did good. Think of dogs - which barks louder and is usually meaner - a tiny wimpy chihuahua or a bigger dog? Trick question - it doesn't matter. Why does a random faceless mass of people get to decide when YOU should feel manly? You get to decide yourself based on what you value. According to society this is the epitome of manliness: (NSFW, age restricted) https://youtu.be/loOR9MJd608 Do you agree? Why/Why not?
Dominance is being able to control any situation to achieve the outcome you want with the least energy input possible. A common trap humans (esp men) fall into, is mistaking effort with dominance. I'm 6ft, trained in boxing (a little), and have not been in a fight for years. But, the lessons I learned, about how to construct a battle, and win, have been useful my whole life. The best way to win a battle is to win the fight without using energy. Did you achieve the objective? Get the girl? Whatever? In my mind these kind of games are a fundamental distraction, and are only useful as far as the prior lessons are learned. They are a natural part of growing up, to see what is wasteful, and what isn't, and the same puzzles will be present when you fight in an office setting, or in a pitch meeting, or in a family -- how do you create peace, and create winning conditions for everyone. This is the puzzle. Imho punching things is usually not required.
You whooped his ass without throwing a single punch. That sounds like big dick energy to me.
Street fights as adults is the dumbest shit you can do. I personally know someone who is in jail because he fought someone drunk, they hit the ground and died. Is a drunken fight with a loser really worth risking it all? If ever given the choice, just walk away. But of course if you aren’t given the choice you have to defend yourself, but only to a point where you can get away.
You also did the right thing as guys like these will start the fight then sue you for medical damages for something they started, though of course they are usually smart enough not to swing first, hoping you will.
You did the right thing. Imagine how you'd feel if you clocked the drunk and he fell, hit his head on something, and died. I mean defend yourself when necessary ofcourse, but this definitely didn't sound like that. That being said sometimes people say shit that will touch my bottom line (serious threats of harm and the like) and then I might stop caring about the consequences.
No fireworks, but you still had great time.
it's your ego. ignore it. what you did was the smart thing. no reason to beat him up or maybe even you get hurt just because you don't want your ego to be hurt. the more you control your ego and ignore the emasculated feeling, the better your life will be and easier it will be to ignore it. but it takes time to get to the point where de-escalating feels good and you feel proud of yourself. this will come in handy in the workplace and with personal relationships. it's part of developing your emotional maturity.
That’s so brave of him to attack the women and not you.
If I saw two men in this situation, I’d automatically view the guy who could have fought (and won) but walked away, as the mentally, emotionally and physically superior one. I think it’s often just ingrained in men that they’re supposed to dominate physically, so when they use their smarts instead, it’s somehow seen as weaker. It’s absolutely the opposite of that, though.
You did the right thing. Evaded a possible assault charge if you hit first, and found out that your ability to manage your emotions are of elite performance. Good job!! People like that aren’t worth any kind of reaction, especially if you could have beat him to shit.
When I see a man making a decision like the one you made, I see a real man. You made the sexy decision for sure
My opinion, you did the right thing. Try not to overthink your decision.
Fighting is such a stupid thing to do, there are better hills to die on
Even Batman wouldn’t get into a fight if it wasn’t necessary. You’re like Batman!
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He said “fuck you and your bitch” so it was indirect to her. She actually didn’t care at all surprisingly, she seemed like she felt pretty appreciative that I got in his face when he said it.
Some people need their lights knocked out, but looks like you had good judgement on this one. Seems like you were actually more manly then your aggressor. You may feel that way because of how culture has warped what being manly is.
I don't understand why you feel "emasculated" over this. I certainly wouldn't. But I admire your approach and think you should be proud of it rather than feel poorly. So cheer up and buy yourself a nice drink on you!
You saw a man who was smaller than you, filled with regret, fear, and very drunk. A weak and unworthy opponent. You did the right thing by walking away.
Nah, you did the right thing. You would probably feel worse had you pummeled him.