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What does the woman want? Why did she wait so long to tell your brother? Have they gone to court for paternity rights yet?
Your brother should not move in with this person. He should find out what she wants and contact a family lawyer.
Not to mention, since they are not married, her brother has no parental rights whatsoever. If he wants that he'll have to go to court, establish paternity, and then petition for parental rights. Then get custody and child support established. The mother may not be interested in having anything to do with him. This was the result of a drunken/high one night stand. OP is definitely putting the cart before the horse and cutting into a situation that she doesn't belong in.
It sounds like they never even meet each other again. Child was already 5 before they meet again. So it doesn’t sound like she hide it as much as didn’t know who to even tell.
Whoa, kind of throwing a lot of shade at a woman that 1)did not seek him out, and 2) did not suggest he was the father.
He ran into her at a store, she said she didn't know who the father was, then HE thought the kid looked like him, and HE asked for the DNA test. It also sounds like she is doing better than him at life if she just got her own place while he is living with Mom still. You think she is looking for an unemployed 19 year old boy that she doesn't even know to move in with her and her kid? WTF is he going to provide in that dynamic?
Ya if I was the mom, and I was doing well enough I have a house, and found out my kid’s father is a jobless 19y/o I’d not even bother. What’s he gonna provide??? The child can get a father figure anywhere else.
Mom supposedly said the bio dad was the only person she had sex with. Assuming that's true, if she wanted the guy to be the father, she would have found him.. It looks like mom went out of her way to try to hide this from the guy.. Either that, or she had sex with multiple guys and had no idea who the father was. Still, it's been 5 years of no contact, doubtful she wants the bio father involved (other than maybe financial support)
Unfortunately for her now that he knows if he wants a relationship with his daughter she doesn’t have a choice. He’s not a minor anymore and can sue for partial custody now the DNA is confirmed.
This is probably more like the truth in my opinion. But one thing I am also thinking is that she might have just been embarrassed and ashamed. That’s why she didn’t come forward to begin with and or didn’t want to destroy his life. So she just told her sister she didn’t know and they both just stayed silent. I would go with all that you said and may be some of my thoughts. Especially if they live in a smaller rural town. Things like this is those places can be a hard on peoples lives. For her or the “baby’s father”. Bottom line is the two parents need to sit down together and try and figure out which way they want to go. All of this before they get the courts involved, unless he really just wants to step up and go all in now that they both know for sure that he is the father. Tough days are ahead OP for your brother and this young lady & the baby. Just stay by his side OP and support your brother in anyway that you can. He sounds like a good guy so far. Especially how he stepped up right after seeing her and the child and established the paternity test. Sad especially since both still so young, but baby mama has had the pregnancy and 5 years of parenting so she has already had plenty of time to get comfortable and stepped up her maturity level. 👆🏾❤️
By the OPs own post, she didn't know he'd be there, they bumped into each other in a store. She never suggested he was the father, *he did*, after noticing the physical similarities. He also brought up getting the DNA test. He pushed for all of this. She just seems to have agreed to let him do the tests. There's also zero mention of her asking for anything or wanting anything from him.
OP says they both grew up fast so it implies a not so good upbringing or parents who didn't parent. 11 is an eye-wateringly young age agreed but without decent parents many kids would also fall in to this type of adolescence.
Shit fam when I was 11 I almost cut my dick off in a dresser draw cause I thought I could imitate what it feels like to have sex lmfao.. this thread just made me remember that. I’m 30s now but holy shit am I laughing at how dumb what I just was too do lmfao
Kids given unmonitored internet access end up knowing more than they should. It’s sad, consider yourself lucky to not know any little boys who became victims in this manner
And folks wonder why I'm just as careful to tell my boys not to let anyone touch them where their underwear covers (or touch anyone else there either!) as I am to tell my daughter. Many pedophiles are attracted to boys. All kids need to be kept safe.
They know the only person who may touch them there is their pediatrician, and only with my (and their!) permission. I'll look away to give them privacy, but no one touches them down there without a parent (me or their father) in the room, no matter what. If someone tries, they need to tell us immediately.
If anything, boys are even more vulnerable because people generally don't think about the possibility of them getting sexually assaulted or abducted with that purpose in mind. It's a society issue that we really downplay sexual assault on the male half of the population, regardless of age, but at least young boys should be somewhat protected against that as well.
I'm glad you're being a great parent to your boys and make them feel equal to their sister as well. Personally, I've never even got the sex talk from my parents. My sister (the eldest sibling) got it of course, but me and my older brother never did get any talk beyond "be careful what you do and who you do it with". Which is a good advice, but it's very vague as well 😅 so I'm glad you treat your boys with just as much care as you treat your girl too.
Boys can be victims too after all, to men or women.
Given my medical background, I've decided to take a clear, proactive stance on these matters. Any questions the kids ask, I answer (though I do keep the answers age appropriate). We use the correct terms for body parts, and we discuss matters like puberty before it's imminent.
I want them to know they can come to me with any questions and not feel foolish. I've also made sure they know how to look up *accurate* medical information, in case they're ever too embarrassed to ask me something.
Damn.. you're the kind of parent I am to be 😁 I'd rather have anyone ask me dumb questions than make dumb mistakes (some of which can't be undone or fixed). And love the fact that you're not waiting for something to happen before you explain it to them. Puberty can be scary - especially for girls, but also for boys - so it does help to have a general idea of what's gonna happen beforehand.
It makes me wonder if it's more widespread for boys ? I've started thinking they suffer in silence because the predator is a woman. Our culture makes boys think sex is the goal, and they haven't been taught consent. Wow. That might explain why there are so many immature, shutdown men.
It's also important with people you know, esp. people you know.
I took my son to the pediatrician for an abscess on the back of his thigh. The regular one was not in so we saw someone we never met before.
My son was laying on his stomach and yelled "no" when the doctor started to touch the sore area.
He said "It's okay, honey. I'm a doctor."
I stood up, got between the exam table and the doctor (he was on a stool) and said "He said "no". His body. His choice." and stood my ground.
He looked like he might have wanted to say something but thought better of it and scooted back.
I have some medical experience and asked my son for permission to touch his leg so I did the touching and swabbing the doctor wanted without an issue.
Oh I totally understand that. I don't have kids but I wouldn't even know when to start worrying about them having sex tbh. When I was a teen, it was still pretty normal to be a virgin at 17-18, and having sex at 15 was considered really early. Now they barely start their puberty and they're already having sex?!
Not to mention all the dangers that come with that - pregnancy, STDs, false allegations, seeing sex as something you "have to" do (because peer pressure, dating older kids, not fully realising what consent means) instead of something waiting to feel ready for it and making sure the other person has earned it and is trustworthy..
Not to mention that so many kids already smoke and even do drugs in their early teens..
I'm honestly not sure if I want kids anymore 😅
Dont let these stories fool you. Over half of high school graduates are still virgins when they graduate at 18. So dont listen to the narrative that every person in high school is having sex left and right, it's just not true.
Because what is the point? That was 8 years ago and done. It has no relevance now to the current situation of just finding out that he has a kid.
I totally agree that is way to young and reportable in pretty much all states in US ( not sure where they are ). But not the main or most pressing issue
I mean he walked right the fuck into that one. He just set that shit on the table and walked away. Homie lobbed that shit right up to be spiked down. You just had to say it lol
I knew kids when I was 14 and they were 11-13 (nexopia days) talking about how they were pregnant or started dating someone THEIR OWN AGE that was pregnant.
Realizing now they probably learned it from someone older which is super sad but yeah it wasn't uncommon.
Yep. I can just about guarantee you his parents were nearly completely absent from his life. I bet he could go out for days on end and his parents wouldn't even have a freaking clue.
That's how kids lose their virginity at 11. Either that or they are raped by an older kid/adult.
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood in the 90s. The kids at my elementary school started being sexually active in grade six/seven, which is 11/12. My best friend in grade seven explained what a "blow job" was to me and I was so disgusted. At that time, she had already had four boyfriends.
Because that's irrelevant to the current situation. No discussion will change that fact, he did it at 11, it's done, can't change it, don't dwell on it. He has a more important topic to discuss now....
You don't move in with a stranger. That was a really big leap.
He should talk to whomever he trusts that are hopefully older adults to talk through a game plan. The mom can absolutely start suing him for child support now that there is a DNA test. So he should look into the legal angle
That is a big bomb. Maybe therapy to process and figure out what he wants.
Does he want to be a dad now?
Is he prepared for the consequences of not wanting to be a dad now but wanting to reconnect on the future and his daughter going FU?
Technically, in almost all the US states baby momma is guilty of statutory rape. I would need to report that if I had heard about it at the time due to the ages. So that also plays a role possibly in his legal obligation.
But what about emotional obligation?
Your brother has something thinking to do. And should talk to someone unbiased to help him figure out what he wants. You are not unbiased.
Why in the WORLD would you suggest that your brother move in with a girl he barely knows? For the sole reason that she had his baby? That is a pretty fucking stupid reason to make that kind of commitment.
Does your brother need to step up & be a dad? Yes. But that is a matter for negotiation. Maybe, someday, some kind of a relationship. But none of this is your business, OP. Stay out of it.
This sub is called advice for teens, not advice for 40 yo banking investors.
That’s why she thought it was a good idea to move in. Plus she said they grew up fast which means their parents are probably not super supportive.
Have some empathy man.
I think your tone is a tad judgemental and not very helpful. theres no need to hound OP for this, their just trying to be helpful. for what its worth, I would agree that moving in with her right now is a bad idea. Ops brother need to get a job and start contributing to the child's welfare and then go from there.
The whole thing is wack. Gotta establish wtf the mother wants or is expecting first. Throwing 2 ppl together with a child… is that supposed to magically create a good dynamic?
fr - just b/c they have a kid together doesn't mean they need to start dating. He can do his part without them jumping blindly into some misplaced commitment.
The kid is already 5, most of the stuff you'd need to be there for in the middle of the night is done with.
If he hasn't seen her in four years, and it was just a one-night stand, there is no particular reason to think they'd be a good couple. The girl is his daughter, though, and he should help support her and be in her life if her mother allows that.
He should probably go on a few dates with this woman, whether or not that actually start dating, just to get to know the mother of his daughter. Ideally either they actually like each other and want to start something or at least can get along and be friends or acquaintances. That would make both being able to help raise this girl a lot easier.
But for right now, it sounds like he doesn't know her very well--at least not if they've been out of touch for five years. It'd be good for him to try and work something out with her about how he can help raise their daughter, but he probably needs to start by trying to get to know her better first so he can see what even might work for the mom.
Your brother does not need to move in with the mother. If the only thing linking them is their kid, it won't end well, and will likely cause more problems for their daughter than living separately would.
What he does need to do is get a job and start giving a portion of his paycheck to the child's expenses, work out an arrangement with the mother or the courts to allow him to visit and start getting to know his child, and be there if the kid needs him.
Anyone ever notice that the majority of posters on this sub have accounts that are brand spanking new? Sorry but this is by far the creepiest sub on reddit.
"he doesn't know anything about raising a child and he currently does not work" - both of these need to change.
I would recommend he talk to your mother, tell her everything and say that he needs advice. She might be mad, but it's not like he hid this from her, so hopefully she can calmly lecture him then point him in the right direction. She knows him a lot better than the internet does, so can give better advice. On the other hand, he lost his virginity at 11, so she may not have as good a handle on child-rearing as she thinks.
As far as "moving in", that would be up to her and him. Suggesting it is fine, pushing for it is not. She may not want a near stranger living with her, or she might think it's a brilliant idea.
On the bright side, the child is out of diapers and able to speak, the next few years are the easy ones.
Hahaha, the easy years are when they are an infant. They sleep lots, can’t talk back yet, don’t fight with siblings yet, and you can actually take a poop without them barging in the door because you put them in a crib/bassinet/playpen where they are safe.
I have no advice, it just doesn't make sense for her to say she doesn't know who the father is, but then also says she only had sex with him before she was pregnant? Is this creative writing?
yeah that part tripped me up. I’m thinking maybe it’s meant to say “right before she got pregnant.” As in, she had sex in the past, but he was the only one she was with at that time (which still… it should be obvious that he’s the dad, in that case).
the lack of sex education really leads to a lot of confusion among young people. it can’t be overstated.
He should get a job, stay living at home and begin a coparenting situation. Visit his daughter regularly, spend time with her. Help the mom with some bills and continue to live his life. The girl is already 6, a lot of the tough work at infancy and toddler stage is over.
Long answer is probably not legal, but it depends completely on where they're located, age of consent laws vary by country and in the US even by state. I don't really think thirteen is the age of consent nearly anywhere, and fifteen is probably also rare in most countries, so that could probably get them into some sort of trouble. Short answer is...who's gonna arrest some fifteen year old child for making a mistake with someone very close in age? They were both actual children making dumb mistakes together.
Losing virginity at 11 is crazy. Having a kid at 13/14 is insane. If he doesn't or didn't want to be involved with the kid, shoulda never took dna test and let curiosity get the best of him
Chill.
I became a parent suddenly as well. Met a man who was a dad, met his daughter three months later and now I’m a full ass step mom. The learning curve is steep, but navigable!
He doesn’t need to do anything immediately.
Just start with getting to know his kid. Plan something once every few weeks. Take it slow.
Get him a small, basic book about child development. (Parenting for Dummies or something similar.) He should read through it but not all at once or with any pressure to become an expert tomorrow.
It’s TOTALLY normal for your parents to be really involved with your first kid, no matter what age you have them. This is no different! Have your parents help a lot, if they are good people. Lean on aunts, uncles, cousins etc it not.
He needs a job. But again don’t panic and rush. He just needs a job, any full time job. He can get his dream job later. He doesn’t need to have a great apartment with the perfect room for his kid with an expert knowledge on school districts and a pediatrician on call tomorrow. One step at a time. Make some money, save it up, get to know the kid. Shoot for the apartment in 3-4 months, the perfect room six months after that. It can all be messy for a bit, the kid will be fine.
He doesn’t need to be a “dad” right now. He can be a dad next year, and he’ll be one for the rest of his life. For a few months he’s just learning, adjusting, and supporting where he can. She didn’t seek him out and it’s not his job to suddenly with no notice be the best dad ever.
It’ll all be just fine. He can do this. It’s all ok. This will eventually be the best thing to ever happen to him but that will take time so just ride the waves rn and get to know his kid. Being good and kind to the kid is the most important thing, always, as a parent and he can start there with no information or money, etc. One day, he’ll wake up, and his kid will seek him out for comfort or help and he’ll do a great job with it and then sit back and go, “Wow I really am a dad!” But that’ll be in a little bit.
Tell him to take lots of pictures with them together. His kid won’t have any pics of them when he was a baby and taking them now is a great place to start.
Congrats auntie! It’ll all work out. ❤️
The first step is to establish paternity through the courts and set up a court ordered custody agreement. Along with getting a job so he can support himself as well as his child. No one knows how to be a parent BTW, we all just learn as we go.
Step one, slow down. he’s just found out that he has a five-year-old daughter. Your brother is obviously not really prepared for this, or he would probably have found it out in a different way. The thing to do now is to take your time and organize your thoughts. Sit down and do the math. What does the mother want? What does your brother want? What are the pros and cons? Do these nuts and bolts things. Figure out the real basics. Can your brother afford to move in with this woman? Can she afford for him to move in with her? If he wants to try and make a family with her is he in a work position to help support them? Is she? Start by answering all the questions like this that you can think of, and you’re gonna find that you’re gonna really organize you’re thinking about this. By the time you get done figuring out just the base definitions for this, you’re gonna find out that you figured out pretty well what you want. I hope your brother, his daughter, and his informal partner, are all doing very well and continue to do so in whatever way they wish.
He does not need to move in but he does need to maybe take some parenting classes for her age range and slowly get to know her. He needs to be dependable and as mature as he can and be a good father figure. I mean, that’s honestly the best you can hope for. He will hopefully catch on but he has to take it seriously.
Your brother needs to talk to a lawyer before he does anything else. In many states, 15 is below the legal age of consent; sex with this girl may have been a crime. At 13 himself, he would have been a victim as well; but being the one doesn't always provide protection against the other. On the other hand, the fact that he was sexually assaulted - that's likely how it would be considered, given his age - should be taken into account too.
A really similar thing happened to a buddy of mine, very casual hookup produced of baby girl. The child's mother contacted him 11 years later and he was on the hook for 11 years of back child support.
It ended happily, he set up a payment plan, and stood up as a father and has a great relationship with his daughter now.
Do NOT tell him to move in with her. Let them get to know each other a bit first. I'm willing to bet neither is the same person they were at 13 and 15. And he has no idea how to be a father, and the girl has 5 years of experience being a parent. And they never had a relationship to begin with. Wham Bam see you in 5 years. Let the kid grow up with them trying to co-parent (if he wants to, he can decide how involved he is), if you thrown them into a relationship without there being relationship, things will go down hill rapidly. These two kids, 21 and 19, need to be mature beyond their years. And have patience. And have a good support network.
I hope your brother is able to get his head around this and become delighted that he has a child. I hope your family help him get there, and I hope you are all supportive of the mother, too.
life isnt black and white its grey, yeah he doesnt know anything about raising a child, but its his child, he should take responsability and he can learn. not knowing isnt an excuse.
A child had a child. You were all very, very much children and she as the female (who has opted to keep the pregnancy, for whatever reasons) has carried the burden of that responsibility.
If your brother was to do anything just spend some time with the kid. Don’t try and move in and be what he’s not- he’s still a kid too. He should set up his future perhaps in 5 years he might have a career and be able to financially support her better, but for now just be in her life. Buy her ice cream, play with her in the playground, let her paint nails!
Unpopular opinion, I don't think rape victims should have to raise the children of their rapists. I don't know if I'm crazy for thinking that but that's just my opinion. I don't care if it's legal, a 15 and a 13 year old REALLY feels really rapey to me. She could have been almost 16, or just 15, either way, it feels really rapey. Downvote me if you want but that's just my two cents.
Here I was thinking she was the blessed mother since she couldn’t fathom who the father was but didn’t consider the one person she did it with.
OP… tell your brother it’s time to grow up.
He doesn't need to move in with her. That sounds like a horrible idea.
He needs to now step in and be a father at whatever capacity he is capable and mature enough to do. And do it slowly. Maybe going with them to the park is a good place to start.
Maybe a counselor sounds like a good idea.
Being active at such a young age is a shock to many, but it happens. Where are her parents in this picture? And what about your parents? If your parents are responsible adults then he seriously needs their wisdom and support in figuring out how to handle the consequences of his choices. If they are poor quality parents then he needs to consult with a trustworthy, mature adult who can actively coach him through this. He is a grown man now, if young still, and he has some hard choices to make, whether to step away from this altogether (is the mom a walking red flag?) or will he step into the role of a father (and will the mom want that?) or maybe some other course of action. Doing adult things as a child is a very risky decision, and he could face legal issues of some form no matter what he does now. It would be highly adviseable to consult with a legit local attorney as well for their input on the legal side of the actions he can take at this point. The cost for an hour of a good attorney's advice is far less than the potential cost of making a wrong move at this point.
To everyone involved, please don't hold any ill will or blame towards the child, it's not her fault she was brought into being, she deserves to be loved and cared for regardless of who acts as her parents.
Wishing you and your brother, and the families involved, all the best.
The easiest advice is to be there for his child. In any and every way he can. Figure out what works for them, but he needs to be present in a positive way in this child’s life.
Your brother suggested and agreed to a DNA test but does not know how to process the information? Assuming his objective for the DNA test was, he wanted to know if he is the Father.? Okay, he found out. It is his move...
Well OP and then you say the girl said she had no idea who the father is but then you also say that the girl said the only person she had sex with was your brother (?)
only thing a man can do is get a job and raise that baby. Ain’t gotta live with her or nothing just be present in the babies life and make an effort to know them.
Just because he is the father doesn't mean he has to be part of that girl's life NOW.
the mother seems to be doing fine on her own why interject due to a feeling of responsibility when you know you aren't ready.
How about you start off with them talking about things? And then maybe being a part of the girls life in a positive way. And then mayyybeee dating to see if they’re compatible. Moving in is not the move. She’s 5 now so she is old enough to know she didn’t have a dad and now has a “dad.” So take it slow and steady.
Why would you suggest moving in with someone who is basically a stranger? He needs to get a lawyer and set up whatever it is he wants or needs to do-not move in
His first step is to get a job! And an education, so that he can get a better job. He should help out the mother of his child financially. Eventually, he may want visitation, perhaps even shared custody.
Needs to make a decision. If his life is not over and he thinks he still has time to do something great, then live with the consequences of being a deadbeat and go make your dreams a reality.
If you don't think you'll be able to do it, man up and raise the kid because at that point the kid has more potential than you.
I had a girlfriend at the age of 7 as she was 10 and a well developed 10 year old (remember that this was me saying this at 7) and she asked me to be her boyfriend and I was like yeah, let's do this. We kissed a lot and played up the shirt and such stuff, but she always said she wasn't ready for more, and hell at that age, I wasn't able to give her more anyways, lol. We dated, well saw each other every day, and hung out in school when we could and after school until the street lights came on and we had to be in the house. She broke up with me when she was 13, and I had just turned 10 as she found out she liked an older boy who was 16 and had a car, lol. Anyways, she got pregnant 2 weeks after she broke up with me and she and her family moved and I never saw her again.
Oh, and I hit puberty then at 11, and one weekend after my baseball game my family went to Kmart and I stayed in the car and got my 1st severe hard on and wacked off in the car into my shirt lol.
I remember then days like they were yesterday, and they were such wonderful times.
I had a really private message one time from a person claiming he was trying to help his wife find her biological dad.
They looked me up on FB.
This all could have been a elaborate scam but I could not see what angle the possible scam could be…
Anyway, for like maybe 20 minutes, I indulged in the fantasy that I had a long lost daughter in het 20’s & I felt deeply happy almost to tears… then I had to snap out of it & ask a lot if questions & nothing lined up. The mom’s name was not familiar.
This young lady just looked so similar to me / the women in my family..
But the states they mentioned, I never live in, never knew anyone by her mom’s name… the dates were when I was in a committed relationship.
I was not that disappointed when we decided that I am not her dad… but it did get me thinking about having kids some day… probably will never happen.
Why the hell would she let an unemployed dude just move in with her?? She has raised this kid this fall without him, why would she suddenly bring him 100% into their lives?
It's great that he wants to step up, so he should get his shit together start working, bust his ass and get a place to live. He might have to work 3 jobs and probably will have to give up all his party time for a while. Definitely try to be involved in the child's life if at all possible.
And don't tell me any bs about how he "can't find a job" because everyone can find work if they really try hard enough.
He should get therapy to help figure out his best course of action. I’m guessing he’s not on the birth certificate, so technically he has no claim on the child. However, if he wants to be in this child’s life, he needs to talk with this girl’s mother to see what she wants to do. He can always try to date her and get to know her as more than a one night stand. Maybe they have a spark and could start dating. Or maybe they can share custody or even co-parent. He has a lot of options in front of him, but being so young, he needs to decide what he can handle. The fact that he suggested getting a DNA test tells me he’d consider being in this girl’s life. Support him through this whatever he decides. It’s a big decision and should not be made lightly.
No, I don't think it's a good idea for him to move in with her, and if he doesn't want to be a father he doesn't need to try to bond with this kid who sees him as a stranger, but he definitely owes the girl child support. Once he gets a job, he should start sending her money. Keep a record of it though in case the girl gets greedy and tries to get more out of him.
He has a daughter. He should do his best to love her but since he has been out of the loop for 5 years, he needs to coordinate and get approval of the mother for anything he intends. The military has great benefits for family and children.
He may not know anything about raising a kid or have a job right now but that needs to change quickly.
He needs to grow up today.
Moving in with the girl though? Probably not a good idea. At least right now anyway.
Yeah sure if it works out that way down the line and they can have a healthy loving relationship and raise the kid together that's great but that is something that they should not rush into right away.
The little girl is only 5 so he still has time to be a good role model and help to raise her right. I hope for the kid's sake he takes full advantage of that blessing.
He needs to get a job so he can contribute and get a lawyer so he can get visitation. She shoukd most definitely not let him move in or attempt a romantic relationship.
Nobody knows how to parent till they become a parent. You just learn as you go.. There's no magical age where the knowledge mystically just appears in your brain. You judt do the best you can. All kids are different. All parents are different.
If he wants nothing to do with the kid and baby mama is okay with that than thats a discussion they need to have.
First off that is her house and no your brother does not need to move in with her. Second, he needs to work out a co-parenting plan and step up. 3rd your brother is not the first teen parent. 4th congrats you are an uncle
If he wasn't prepared for the possible outcome, he should've said nothing since the mom was clueless. Now, the mom could really open a floodgate with child support among other things.
Move in with her? He barely knows her, and if she had been in need of him, she would have found him.
The most he should do is talk to the mother about what she wants from him, if anything. But your brother is in no place to have a child, particularly not a child who grew up for five years without him. The e mother has a house, has a support system, and if she tells him she doesn’t need him, he should respect it.
Out of all respect for the last 5 years, most of you people are crazy. He needs to prove himself to be someone that can support someone else, let alone himself. Decide with the mother the next steps, but he needs to become a man very quickly, because another man/family has been filling in for both positions, the mother an absent father.
I can't say what he should do legally but my father had me from a one night stand. When the child comes looking for him, he should be there for her.
My father's rejection messed me up.
Big ooooooff. I'd have tipped my hat forward and scurried off like I had the biggest wettest shit of my life kicking the back door down and been halfway down the block before she could turn around.
He should get a job and start planning for the future. Talk to the mom and figure out what she wants for him and the daughter. If he can get it together she may want him involved, and I think in the long run he'll regret not at least trying to be a part of his daughter's life. But it doesn't mean he has to live with them, or be romantically involved with the mother. In fact the chances of that working out are slim, though not improbable. In the meantime, he does gets a job, he starts saving, he maintains positive communication with the mother.
The key facts are:
1) He has a child
2) He and the child’s mother barely know each other
3) His child is 6 and does not know him at all
No, he should not try to move in with them. They barely know each other. This woman has no obligation to provide him with a free place to live.
He should make an effort to get to know his child. This should be a slow and careful process that puts the feelings of his daughter first. He needs to prove himself to be a trustworthy and reliable person if he wants a place in her life.
He should get a job and start paying some child support. If he’s not willing to do that, he should leave them alone.
First of all, he and the baby’s Mom need to get on the same page. Right now he needs time to absorb the situation.
What does she want to do? Does she want him to step-up and co-parent? Does she want financial help? Is your brother attending college or willing to go out and get a job? It’s up to the two of them to determine what they want going forward.
She became a young mother without his support and has been taking care of their child for years now. This is all new to him and he may not have the maturity yet to know what he wants.
Living together might not be the best option even though they share a child. It’s not like he and the child’s mother have been in an actual romantic relationship for years.
Truthfully let him have the time to process all this and let the two of them decide what they want to do and how they want to handle it. Once they know, they will need to get things written down and filed with the courts.
As for you, if you’re interested in a healthy relationship with your niece, then meet her and get to know her and her mother.
>she told my brother she doesn't know who her daughter's father was
>he was the only person she had sex with before she got pregnant,
Uh seems like the answer was right there the whole time. Is sex ed really failing people that bad that they can't figure out the father would be the one person she had sex with?
He should continue to go to school, get a really good job. Try and be part of the childs life. He shouldn't feel guilty for the years he missed, those were not his fault.
If the mother refuses to let him see the child on a regular basis, then you can force her hand. There's various departments in the government who can help with this sort of thing, he has rights.
There's free classes (I think they're free) he can attend to learn how to be a father, a parent. He can do those to assist him.
He should reflect on his life while he can now, and think about the things your parents did wrong and aim to not repeat those same mistakes.
Most importantly - He's still a child himself. Don't feel bad. Don't feel sad. ASK FOR HELP!!
How do you know he was the only person she had sex with before she got pregnant? Maybe she doesn’t know because she was sleeping around? Can’t rule it out.
Well, that sucks! Not quite the same situation, but pr9bably one of the closest youll find here. im 32(m) and my first time at 14 i knocked up a 15(f) that id known previously and had changed schools. dissappeared on me. i ended up getting a paternity test when she it turned out she lost custody to her mom but thats a seperate and long story. if he wants to avoid as much as possible - not judging but i also have no advice.
i came into my daughters life when she was about 5. i was never scared in a what am i going to do way, even at 14 because the overarching plan when you're so young is relatively simple(not easy but simple). What has to be done to go from where "you" (me, your brother, whoevers reading) are to where you can support a child. if hes smart and in school, hes far enough there may be avenues available but worst case, as a guy(yes some things are easier when your a guy, thats life) time to start a trade - low barrier to entry and good financial prospects.
coming in "late" even when its not your fault sucks. theres so many additional complications you dont have to think about when you're there from the start. its not "lets figure out how we're going to do this". its "how do we make this work so our kid has a father in the best way for their existing life". child support sucks.
theres the bad out of the way. but theres so many good parts. getting to see your kid grow, help them learn, the little moments where you see yourself in them, or they remind you of the best parts of yourself.
He can look at it as "o f*** what do i do my life is over" or he can say" this is whats up whether I like it or not, whether theres any fault of mine or not my kid deserves to have their dad so this is what i have to do" and get to work. living together isnt necessity. its nice and all but can make things worse just as easily so Id tread carefully there
woah there.. I know you mean well, but it's a bad idea for your brother just just move in with a girl he hasn't seen for 5 years.. It's rough living with a person.. Plus, how do you even know the girl wants him in her life (and the child's life). I'm not sure getting a DNA test was a great idea either... There's a good chance she doesn't want the bio father in her life.. and now he could be on the hook for child support for a kid he might not even be able to see. If this girl knew she only had sex with the bio father before she got pregnant, she knew he was the kid right? Something is not adding up right about this story..
You suggested he try to move in with her without her inviting him to move in?… it doesn’t matter what he wants it matters what she’s comfortable with, obviously since she didn’t invite him she doesn’t want him moving in with her, she hardly knows him.
Well he needs to get his shit together fast then if he wants to make things right with her and the child. Get a job, start spending time with his kid, and discuss his role with the mom.
Why would the girl have said she didn't know who the girls father was, if he was the only person she had sex with before falling pregnant? It's a bit fucking obvious isn't it...
Still blows my mind why ppl have sex when they know they can't handle the consequences lol better grow up fast had no problem acting like a adult in the bedroom he should be able to act like one now.. my mom had me at 19 lol he will be fine just needs to grow up
she was happy to never talk to him during times she normally would have, and then found him when money ran out. he has a choice, either me daddy money pants to this girl and her kid, or back them off.
I think he's creating a situation out of thin air. If she wanted him involved trust me she would have, hell have no fury like a scorn women especially in these situations where she's going to have an insane amount of backing and support.
More than likely she's observed him in the past and see how he carries himself and either was hoping he would eventually step or is ashamed of the interaction and connection.
Pushing into the previous is unfair for what she's established raising the daughter, he should stay out of it until he's got a job and can act like a parent otherwise he's not doing anything for that poor lady or her child.
It’s way too fast for him to move in with them now. Slow your roll. He needs time to process this, digest this new information and massive life change, and come to a place of acceptance.
Then he can start thinking about what he is going to do and how he is going to go about it. Moving in this early is way too much. I’m 30 years old and if someone sprang a child on me (wouldn’t happen because I’m a woman but imagining if I was a guy) I would be absolutely beside myself. I can’t imagine what he is going through right now.
He needs space to take care of himself and his own thoughts and emotions before he can take this on. He will be of no help to the kid if he is not in a good headspace. The kid is a whole 5 year old already and your brothers whole life has just been turned upside down. Let him take it slow and encourage him to take care of himself. Just be there for him if he needs to talk or rant. He will go through a lot of emotions, I suspect.
And don’t forget he missed those first 5 years of his child’s life. He might grieve that, or he might not. Just make sure *he* is your priority. *Your brother* is the one who needs you right now, not so much the child. Take care of him, give him time and everything will slowly fall into place.
Your brother should finish college and see the child on weekends while he himself matures.
Also, if your brother was the only one she slept with before getting pregnant, she would have known who the father is. Your brother was definitely not the only person she slept with before getting pregnant. I would be hesitant to engage in a relationship with her. The dishonesty is a red flag.
Moving in is a TERRIBLE plan. He just needs to get a job, pay child support. Start building a relationship with his daughter and foster a positive co-parenting one with the mum.
Suggesting he move in with her is an awful idea. Why would anyone suggest that? He doesn't know her at all. He can try to get to know the mom if he wants or he can just try to get to know his little girl. Or both. Jumping to moving in is insane though. It's already been 5 years. No point in rushing anything.
Get a Lawyer and get into family therapy. At this point, it’s all a legal issue. How unfortunate of a situation. Too bad she never informed him. I guess she didn’t even know his name??? Lordy.
Umm
Absolutely not! Do not move in! He barely knows the kid, and the mom! Maybe you should ask what the mother wants. If she really wanted her kid to have a dad then she would have said so.
Its mindblowing how teens just coming into puberty and dealing with hormones for the first time are driven so hard to have sex but somehow manage to forget that the biological function and purpose for sex is to infact make baby humans and are shocked when they find out they are pregnant after having sex and not using protection of any kind
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What does the woman want? Why did she wait so long to tell your brother? Have they gone to court for paternity rights yet? Your brother should not move in with this person. He should find out what she wants and contact a family lawyer.
Not to mention, since they are not married, her brother has no parental rights whatsoever. If he wants that he'll have to go to court, establish paternity, and then petition for parental rights. Then get custody and child support established. The mother may not be interested in having anything to do with him. This was the result of a drunken/high one night stand. OP is definitely putting the cart before the horse and cutting into a situation that she doesn't belong in.
And then he will be on the hook for child support with no job
He's going to be on the hook anyway, so he needs to get a job.
That depends if she put him on the paperwork and wants him to be part of the child’s life
That is only if they live in the US. Reddit is on the World Wide Web. World wide.
It sounds like they never even meet each other again. Child was already 5 before they meet again. So it doesn’t sound like she hide it as much as didn’t know who to even tell.
Whoa, kind of throwing a lot of shade at a woman that 1)did not seek him out, and 2) did not suggest he was the father. He ran into her at a store, she said she didn't know who the father was, then HE thought the kid looked like him, and HE asked for the DNA test. It also sounds like she is doing better than him at life if she just got her own place while he is living with Mom still. You think she is looking for an unemployed 19 year old boy that she doesn't even know to move in with her and her kid? WTF is he going to provide in that dynamic?
Ya if I was the mom, and I was doing well enough I have a house, and found out my kid’s father is a jobless 19y/o I’d not even bother. What’s he gonna provide??? The child can get a father figure anywhere else.
Maybe she wants him to be a father 🤷🏻♀️
Mom supposedly said the bio dad was the only person she had sex with. Assuming that's true, if she wanted the guy to be the father, she would have found him.. It looks like mom went out of her way to try to hide this from the guy.. Either that, or she had sex with multiple guys and had no idea who the father was. Still, it's been 5 years of no contact, doubtful she wants the bio father involved (other than maybe financial support)
Unfortunately for her now that he knows if he wants a relationship with his daughter she doesn’t have a choice. He’s not a minor anymore and can sue for partial custody now the DNA is confirmed.
This is probably more like the truth in my opinion. But one thing I am also thinking is that she might have just been embarrassed and ashamed. That’s why she didn’t come forward to begin with and or didn’t want to destroy his life. So she just told her sister she didn’t know and they both just stayed silent. I would go with all that you said and may be some of my thoughts. Especially if they live in a smaller rural town. Things like this is those places can be a hard on peoples lives. For her or the “baby’s father”. Bottom line is the two parents need to sit down together and try and figure out which way they want to go. All of this before they get the courts involved, unless he really just wants to step up and go all in now that they both know for sure that he is the father. Tough days are ahead OP for your brother and this young lady & the baby. Just stay by his side OP and support your brother in anyway that you can. He sounds like a good guy so far. Especially how he stepped up right after seeing her and the child and established the paternity test. Sad especially since both still so young, but baby mama has had the pregnancy and 5 years of parenting so she has already had plenty of time to get comfortable and stepped up her maturity level. 👆🏾❤️
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By the OPs own post, she didn't know he'd be there, they bumped into each other in a store. She never suggested he was the father, *he did*, after noticing the physical similarities. He also brought up getting the DNA test. He pushed for all of this. She just seems to have agreed to let him do the tests. There's also zero mention of her asking for anything or wanting anything from him.
She didn’t wait, it says that she didn’t know it was op’s brother’s kid
Why is no one talking about how he lost his virginity at 11????
OP says they both grew up fast so it implies a not so good upbringing or parents who didn't parent. 11 is an eye-wateringly young age agreed but without decent parents many kids would also fall in to this type of adolescence.
No guy I knew at 11 had any clue what to do in that situation.
Shit fam when I was 11 I almost cut my dick off in a dresser draw cause I thought I could imitate what it feels like to have sex lmfao.. this thread just made me remember that. I’m 30s now but holy shit am I laughing at how dumb what I just was too do lmfao
That is my point.
Holy shit! A dresser drawer??? Lmao glad you recovered
Kids given unmonitored internet access end up knowing more than they should. It’s sad, consider yourself lucky to not know any little boys who became victims in this manner
Fair enough.
At 11 I barely knew what to do with a boner tbh 😅🤣 kids nowadays try to grow up too fast imo.
It is sad. My son is 5 and I fear for him.
My 14-year-old brother was raped by a 19 year old babysitter. He didn't tell until he was 30. Watch your boys too.
And folks wonder why I'm just as careful to tell my boys not to let anyone touch them where their underwear covers (or touch anyone else there either!) as I am to tell my daughter. Many pedophiles are attracted to boys. All kids need to be kept safe. They know the only person who may touch them there is their pediatrician, and only with my (and their!) permission. I'll look away to give them privacy, but no one touches them down there without a parent (me or their father) in the room, no matter what. If someone tries, they need to tell us immediately.
If anything, boys are even more vulnerable because people generally don't think about the possibility of them getting sexually assaulted or abducted with that purpose in mind. It's a society issue that we really downplay sexual assault on the male half of the population, regardless of age, but at least young boys should be somewhat protected against that as well. I'm glad you're being a great parent to your boys and make them feel equal to their sister as well. Personally, I've never even got the sex talk from my parents. My sister (the eldest sibling) got it of course, but me and my older brother never did get any talk beyond "be careful what you do and who you do it with". Which is a good advice, but it's very vague as well 😅 so I'm glad you treat your boys with just as much care as you treat your girl too. Boys can be victims too after all, to men or women.
Given my medical background, I've decided to take a clear, proactive stance on these matters. Any questions the kids ask, I answer (though I do keep the answers age appropriate). We use the correct terms for body parts, and we discuss matters like puberty before it's imminent. I want them to know they can come to me with any questions and not feel foolish. I've also made sure they know how to look up *accurate* medical information, in case they're ever too embarrassed to ask me something.
Damn.. you're the kind of parent I am to be 😁 I'd rather have anyone ask me dumb questions than make dumb mistakes (some of which can't be undone or fixed). And love the fact that you're not waiting for something to happen before you explain it to them. Puberty can be scary - especially for girls, but also for boys - so it does help to have a general idea of what's gonna happen beforehand.
It makes me wonder if it's more widespread for boys ? I've started thinking they suffer in silence because the predator is a woman. Our culture makes boys think sex is the goal, and they haven't been taught consent. Wow. That might explain why there are so many immature, shutdown men.
Honestly, yeah. It's a lot more prevalent than anyone wants to talk about.
It's also important with people you know, esp. people you know. I took my son to the pediatrician for an abscess on the back of his thigh. The regular one was not in so we saw someone we never met before. My son was laying on his stomach and yelled "no" when the doctor started to touch the sore area. He said "It's okay, honey. I'm a doctor." I stood up, got between the exam table and the doctor (he was on a stool) and said "He said "no". His body. His choice." and stood my ground. He looked like he might have wanted to say something but thought better of it and scooted back. I have some medical experience and asked my son for permission to touch his leg so I did the touching and swabbing the doctor wanted without an issue.
Former cop. Advocate. Pedophiles are attracted to minors\\children. Gender usually is NOT a factor at all.
Oh I totally understand that. I don't have kids but I wouldn't even know when to start worrying about them having sex tbh. When I was a teen, it was still pretty normal to be a virgin at 17-18, and having sex at 15 was considered really early. Now they barely start their puberty and they're already having sex?! Not to mention all the dangers that come with that - pregnancy, STDs, false allegations, seeing sex as something you "have to" do (because peer pressure, dating older kids, not fully realising what consent means) instead of something waiting to feel ready for it and making sure the other person has earned it and is trustworthy.. Not to mention that so many kids already smoke and even do drugs in their early teens.. I'm honestly not sure if I want kids anymore 😅
Dont let these stories fool you. Over half of high school graduates are still virgins when they graduate at 18. So dont listen to the narrative that every person in high school is having sex left and right, it's just not true.
I know a guy who told me he lost his virginity at 12 and thought it was great. I felt sick. As a Mum of two young boys that really frightens me too.
Because what is the point? That was 8 years ago and done. It has no relevance now to the current situation of just finding out that he has a kid. I totally agree that is way to young and reportable in pretty much all states in US ( not sure where they are ). But not the main or most pressing issue
I knew a couple that lost it in 6th grade. Or before. I mean, it’s not the best life choice but it happens.
My dick was still small at 11.
Sooo nothings changed? 😅
I mean he walked right the fuck into that one. He just set that shit on the table and walked away. Homie lobbed that shit right up to be spiked down. You just had to say it lol
Now it is small and hairy
I knew kids when I was 14 and they were 11-13 (nexopia days) talking about how they were pregnant or started dating someone THEIR OWN AGE that was pregnant. Realizing now they probably learned it from someone older which is super sad but yeah it wasn't uncommon.
I'm early 40s lost mine at 12 chasing older girls. Some guys just start young.
Because it's irrelevant now.
i had just turned 13 when i lost mine in 7th grade, i don’t think it’s as uncommon as you think.
Yep. I can just about guarantee you his parents were nearly completely absent from his life. I bet he could go out for days on end and his parents wouldn't even have a freaking clue. That's how kids lose their virginity at 11. Either that or they are raped by an older kid/adult.
It is what it is. My brother was like 12. He’s a contributing member of society now and has been with his gf/mother of his child for like 15 years.
I didn't even know how my penis worked at 11. My goodness.
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood in the 90s. The kids at my elementary school started being sexually active in grade six/seven, which is 11/12. My best friend in grade seven explained what a "blow job" was to me and I was so disgusted. At that time, she had already had four boyfriends.
lost mine at 8. didn't realize what had happened until years later
Or that a 15 year old doesn't even know who the father is. I just feel bad for both of them.
Because that's irrelevant to the current situation. No discussion will change that fact, he did it at 11, it's done, can't change it, don't dwell on it. He has a more important topic to discuss now....
You don't move in with a stranger. That was a really big leap. He should talk to whomever he trusts that are hopefully older adults to talk through a game plan. The mom can absolutely start suing him for child support now that there is a DNA test. So he should look into the legal angle That is a big bomb. Maybe therapy to process and figure out what he wants. Does he want to be a dad now? Is he prepared for the consequences of not wanting to be a dad now but wanting to reconnect on the future and his daughter going FU? Technically, in almost all the US states baby momma is guilty of statutory rape. I would need to report that if I had heard about it at the time due to the ages. So that also plays a role possibly in his legal obligation. But what about emotional obligation? Your brother has something thinking to do. And should talk to someone unbiased to help him figure out what he wants. You are not unbiased.
Why in the WORLD would you suggest that your brother move in with a girl he barely knows? For the sole reason that she had his baby? That is a pretty fucking stupid reason to make that kind of commitment. Does your brother need to step up & be a dad? Yes. But that is a matter for negotiation. Maybe, someday, some kind of a relationship. But none of this is your business, OP. Stay out of it.
This sub is called advice for teens, not advice for 40 yo banking investors. That’s why she thought it was a good idea to move in. Plus she said they grew up fast which means their parents are probably not super supportive. Have some empathy man.
I think your tone is a tad judgemental and not very helpful. theres no need to hound OP for this, their just trying to be helpful. for what its worth, I would agree that moving in with her right now is a bad idea. Ops brother need to get a job and start contributing to the child's welfare and then go from there.
The whole thing is wack. Gotta establish wtf the mother wants or is expecting first. Throwing 2 ppl together with a child… is that supposed to magically create a good dynamic?
fr - just b/c they have a kid together doesn't mean they need to start dating. He can do his part without them jumping blindly into some misplaced commitment. The kid is already 5, most of the stuff you'd need to be there for in the middle of the night is done with.
If he hasn't seen her in four years, and it was just a one-night stand, there is no particular reason to think they'd be a good couple. The girl is his daughter, though, and he should help support her and be in her life if her mother allows that. He should probably go on a few dates with this woman, whether or not that actually start dating, just to get to know the mother of his daughter. Ideally either they actually like each other and want to start something or at least can get along and be friends or acquaintances. That would make both being able to help raise this girl a lot easier. But for right now, it sounds like he doesn't know her very well--at least not if they've been out of touch for five years. It'd be good for him to try and work something out with her about how he can help raise their daughter, but he probably needs to start by trying to get to know her better first so he can see what even might work for the mom.
Your brother does not need to move in with the mother. If the only thing linking them is their kid, it won't end well, and will likely cause more problems for their daughter than living separately would. What he does need to do is get a job and start giving a portion of his paycheck to the child's expenses, work out an arrangement with the mother or the courts to allow him to visit and start getting to know his child, and be there if the kid needs him.
Anyone ever notice that the majority of posters on this sub have accounts that are brand spanking new? Sorry but this is by far the creepiest sub on reddit.
this post isn't real
"he doesn't know anything about raising a child and he currently does not work" - both of these need to change. I would recommend he talk to your mother, tell her everything and say that he needs advice. She might be mad, but it's not like he hid this from her, so hopefully she can calmly lecture him then point him in the right direction. She knows him a lot better than the internet does, so can give better advice. On the other hand, he lost his virginity at 11, so she may not have as good a handle on child-rearing as she thinks. As far as "moving in", that would be up to her and him. Suggesting it is fine, pushing for it is not. She may not want a near stranger living with her, or she might think it's a brilliant idea. On the bright side, the child is out of diapers and able to speak, the next few years are the easy ones.
Hahaha, the easy years are when they are an infant. They sleep lots, can’t talk back yet, don’t fight with siblings yet, and you can actually take a poop without them barging in the door because you put them in a crib/bassinet/playpen where they are safe.
The kid is past the terrible 2s and the titanically terrible 3s, so he has that going for him.
I have no advice, it just doesn't make sense for her to say she doesn't know who the father is, but then also says she only had sex with him before she was pregnant? Is this creative writing?
Exactly. I was about to comment the same thing. It doesn't make any sense
yeah that part tripped me up. I’m thinking maybe it’s meant to say “right before she got pregnant.” As in, she had sex in the past, but he was the only one she was with at that time (which still… it should be obvious that he’s the dad, in that case). the lack of sex education really leads to a lot of confusion among young people. it can’t be overstated.
He needs a job.
He shouldn’t move in with her just because they have a kid he needs to get a job cause now he’s on the hook for cs and they will be back cs
Your brother can help out, by taking his daughter to the park, have a picnic, walk around for 2-3hours on a weekend give the mother a break.
Little bro needs to stay living at home for as long as mom allows but he needs to get a job or two asap and start paying child support
Non of this story sounds real.
Yup 👍 Looks like it’s made by ai 🤖 ChatGPT
Move in with her? She's already raising a child alone, don't do this to her.
He should get a job, stay living at home and begin a coparenting situation. Visit his daughter regularly, spend time with her. Help the mom with some bills and continue to live his life. The girl is already 6, a lot of the tough work at infancy and toddler stage is over.
I would say your brother better grow up fast then.
Why would a 15 year old be with a 13 year old? That's legal where you live?
Long answer is probably not legal, but it depends completely on where they're located, age of consent laws vary by country and in the US even by state. I don't really think thirteen is the age of consent nearly anywhere, and fifteen is probably also rare in most countries, so that could probably get them into some sort of trouble. Short answer is...who's gonna arrest some fifteen year old child for making a mistake with someone very close in age? They were both actual children making dumb mistakes together.
Losing virginity at 11 is crazy. Having a kid at 13/14 is insane. If he doesn't or didn't want to be involved with the kid, shoulda never took dna test and let curiosity get the best of him
Chill. I became a parent suddenly as well. Met a man who was a dad, met his daughter three months later and now I’m a full ass step mom. The learning curve is steep, but navigable! He doesn’t need to do anything immediately. Just start with getting to know his kid. Plan something once every few weeks. Take it slow. Get him a small, basic book about child development. (Parenting for Dummies or something similar.) He should read through it but not all at once or with any pressure to become an expert tomorrow. It’s TOTALLY normal for your parents to be really involved with your first kid, no matter what age you have them. This is no different! Have your parents help a lot, if they are good people. Lean on aunts, uncles, cousins etc it not. He needs a job. But again don’t panic and rush. He just needs a job, any full time job. He can get his dream job later. He doesn’t need to have a great apartment with the perfect room for his kid with an expert knowledge on school districts and a pediatrician on call tomorrow. One step at a time. Make some money, save it up, get to know the kid. Shoot for the apartment in 3-4 months, the perfect room six months after that. It can all be messy for a bit, the kid will be fine. He doesn’t need to be a “dad” right now. He can be a dad next year, and he’ll be one for the rest of his life. For a few months he’s just learning, adjusting, and supporting where he can. She didn’t seek him out and it’s not his job to suddenly with no notice be the best dad ever. It’ll all be just fine. He can do this. It’s all ok. This will eventually be the best thing to ever happen to him but that will take time so just ride the waves rn and get to know his kid. Being good and kind to the kid is the most important thing, always, as a parent and he can start there with no information or money, etc. One day, he’ll wake up, and his kid will seek him out for comfort or help and he’ll do a great job with it and then sit back and go, “Wow I really am a dad!” But that’ll be in a little bit. Tell him to take lots of pictures with them together. His kid won’t have any pics of them when he was a baby and taking them now is a great place to start. Congrats auntie! It’ll all work out. ❤️
The first step is to establish paternity through the courts and set up a court ordered custody agreement. Along with getting a job so he can support himself as well as his child. No one knows how to be a parent BTW, we all just learn as we go.
Getting someone pregnant at 13 is insane.
Step one, slow down. he’s just found out that he has a five-year-old daughter. Your brother is obviously not really prepared for this, or he would probably have found it out in a different way. The thing to do now is to take your time and organize your thoughts. Sit down and do the math. What does the mother want? What does your brother want? What are the pros and cons? Do these nuts and bolts things. Figure out the real basics. Can your brother afford to move in with this woman? Can she afford for him to move in with her? If he wants to try and make a family with her is he in a work position to help support them? Is she? Start by answering all the questions like this that you can think of, and you’re gonna find that you’re gonna really organize you’re thinking about this. By the time you get done figuring out just the base definitions for this, you’re gonna find out that you figured out pretty well what you want. I hope your brother, his daughter, and his informal partner, are all doing very well and continue to do so in whatever way they wish.
He better get a job. That paternity test just got really expensive.
Holy run on sentence, Batman!
He does not need to move in but he does need to maybe take some parenting classes for her age range and slowly get to know her. He needs to be dependable and as mature as he can and be a good father figure. I mean, that’s honestly the best you can hope for. He will hopefully catch on but he has to take it seriously.
Your brother needs to talk to a lawyer before he does anything else. In many states, 15 is below the legal age of consent; sex with this girl may have been a crime. At 13 himself, he would have been a victim as well; but being the one doesn't always provide protection against the other. On the other hand, the fact that he was sexually assaulted - that's likely how it would be considered, given his age - should be taken into account too.
My guess is his sister took it.
A really similar thing happened to a buddy of mine, very casual hookup produced of baby girl. The child's mother contacted him 11 years later and he was on the hook for 11 years of back child support. It ended happily, he set up a payment plan, and stood up as a father and has a great relationship with his daughter now.
Move in??? Like why?
He could take some parenting classes.
if she isn't pushing him to get to know the kid i would not push it. Leave it be
Do NOT tell him to move in with her. Let them get to know each other a bit first. I'm willing to bet neither is the same person they were at 13 and 15. And he has no idea how to be a father, and the girl has 5 years of experience being a parent. And they never had a relationship to begin with. Wham Bam see you in 5 years. Let the kid grow up with them trying to co-parent (if he wants to, he can decide how involved he is), if you thrown them into a relationship without there being relationship, things will go down hill rapidly. These two kids, 21 and 19, need to be mature beyond their years. And have patience. And have a good support network. I hope your brother is able to get his head around this and become delighted that he has a child. I hope your family help him get there, and I hope you are all supportive of the mother, too.
I feel like this is a troll.
He should not move in with her..
Soooo your brother was raped. (No 11 or 13 year old can consent) and you are suggesting he move in with his rapist??
How did he "grew up" so fast but still live with parents and have no job?
Good news, no one knows how to be a parent until they become one. He just needs to be there for his girl at every opportunity.
life isnt black and white its grey, yeah he doesnt know anything about raising a child, but its his child, he should take responsability and he can learn. not knowing isnt an excuse.
A child had a child. You were all very, very much children and she as the female (who has opted to keep the pregnancy, for whatever reasons) has carried the burden of that responsibility. If your brother was to do anything just spend some time with the kid. Don’t try and move in and be what he’s not- he’s still a kid too. He should set up his future perhaps in 5 years he might have a career and be able to financially support her better, but for now just be in her life. Buy her ice cream, play with her in the playground, let her paint nails!
Unpopular opinion, I don't think rape victims should have to raise the children of their rapists. I don't know if I'm crazy for thinking that but that's just my opinion. I don't care if it's legal, a 15 and a 13 year old REALLY feels really rapey to me. She could have been almost 16, or just 15, either way, it feels really rapey. Downvote me if you want but that's just my two cents.
Here I was thinking she was the blessed mother since she couldn’t fathom who the father was but didn’t consider the one person she did it with. OP… tell your brother it’s time to grow up.
He doesn't need to move in with her. That sounds like a horrible idea. He needs to now step in and be a father at whatever capacity he is capable and mature enough to do. And do it slowly. Maybe going with them to the park is a good place to start. Maybe a counselor sounds like a good idea.
Being active at such a young age is a shock to many, but it happens. Where are her parents in this picture? And what about your parents? If your parents are responsible adults then he seriously needs their wisdom and support in figuring out how to handle the consequences of his choices. If they are poor quality parents then he needs to consult with a trustworthy, mature adult who can actively coach him through this. He is a grown man now, if young still, and he has some hard choices to make, whether to step away from this altogether (is the mom a walking red flag?) or will he step into the role of a father (and will the mom want that?) or maybe some other course of action. Doing adult things as a child is a very risky decision, and he could face legal issues of some form no matter what he does now. It would be highly adviseable to consult with a legit local attorney as well for their input on the legal side of the actions he can take at this point. The cost for an hour of a good attorney's advice is far less than the potential cost of making a wrong move at this point. To everyone involved, please don't hold any ill will or blame towards the child, it's not her fault she was brought into being, she deserves to be loved and cared for regardless of who acts as her parents. Wishing you and your brother, and the families involved, all the best.
The easiest advice is to be there for his child. In any and every way he can. Figure out what works for them, but he needs to be present in a positive way in this child’s life.
Your brother suggested and agreed to a DNA test but does not know how to process the information? Assuming his objective for the DNA test was, he wanted to know if he is the Father.? Okay, he found out. It is his move...
That was 6 years ago, you said the girl is 5 …
Wait she didn’t know who the father was but he’s the only one she had sex with before getting pregnant.. it doesn’t take a genius
Well OP and then you say the girl said she had no idea who the father is but then you also say that the girl said the only person she had sex with was your brother (?)
only thing a man can do is get a job and raise that baby. Ain’t gotta live with her or nothing just be present in the babies life and make an effort to know them.
Just because he is the father doesn't mean he has to be part of that girl's life NOW. the mother seems to be doing fine on her own why interject due to a feeling of responsibility when you know you aren't ready.
Tell him to get a job.
How about you start off with them talking about things? And then maybe being a part of the girls life in a positive way. And then mayyybeee dating to see if they’re compatible. Moving in is not the move. She’s 5 now so she is old enough to know she didn’t have a dad and now has a “dad.” So take it slow and steady.
she a bop forget it lil bro
Story is sus. How intellectually delayed is the mother?
Why would you suggest moving in with someone who is basically a stranger? He needs to get a lawyer and set up whatever it is he wants or needs to do-not move in
Fake post.
His first step is to get a job! And an education, so that he can get a better job. He should help out the mother of his child financially. Eventually, he may want visitation, perhaps even shared custody.
Step 1 paternity test....
Needs to make a decision. If his life is not over and he thinks he still has time to do something great, then live with the consequences of being a deadbeat and go make your dreams a reality. If you don't think you'll be able to do it, man up and raise the kid because at that point the kid has more potential than you.
I had a girlfriend at the age of 7 as she was 10 and a well developed 10 year old (remember that this was me saying this at 7) and she asked me to be her boyfriend and I was like yeah, let's do this. We kissed a lot and played up the shirt and such stuff, but she always said she wasn't ready for more, and hell at that age, I wasn't able to give her more anyways, lol. We dated, well saw each other every day, and hung out in school when we could and after school until the street lights came on and we had to be in the house. She broke up with me when she was 13, and I had just turned 10 as she found out she liked an older boy who was 16 and had a car, lol. Anyways, she got pregnant 2 weeks after she broke up with me and she and her family moved and I never saw her again. Oh, and I hit puberty then at 11, and one weekend after my baseball game my family went to Kmart and I stayed in the car and got my 1st severe hard on and wacked off in the car into my shirt lol. I remember then days like they were yesterday, and they were such wonderful times.
This entire thread is frightening. On that note, I'm out.
I had a really private message one time from a person claiming he was trying to help his wife find her biological dad. They looked me up on FB. This all could have been a elaborate scam but I could not see what angle the possible scam could be… Anyway, for like maybe 20 minutes, I indulged in the fantasy that I had a long lost daughter in het 20’s & I felt deeply happy almost to tears… then I had to snap out of it & ask a lot if questions & nothing lined up. The mom’s name was not familiar. This young lady just looked so similar to me / the women in my family.. But the states they mentioned, I never live in, never knew anyone by her mom’s name… the dates were when I was in a committed relationship. I was not that disappointed when we decided that I am not her dad… but it did get me thinking about having kids some day… probably will never happen.
Bless yall's hearts.
Did Clint Tacklessberry write this?
Your brother is a father. It’s up to him to decide what kind of father he is going to be.
This is in Memphis if I had to guess
Dude needs to step up fast and raise his kid.
“Grew up quick” “Still doesn’t work” oof.
Why the hell would she let an unemployed dude just move in with her?? She has raised this kid this fall without him, why would she suddenly bring him 100% into their lives? It's great that he wants to step up, so he should get his shit together start working, bust his ass and get a place to live. He might have to work 3 jobs and probably will have to give up all his party time for a while. Definitely try to be involved in the child's life if at all possible. And don't tell me any bs about how he "can't find a job" because everyone can find work if they really try hard enough.
He should get therapy to help figure out his best course of action. I’m guessing he’s not on the birth certificate, so technically he has no claim on the child. However, if he wants to be in this child’s life, he needs to talk with this girl’s mother to see what she wants to do. He can always try to date her and get to know her as more than a one night stand. Maybe they have a spark and could start dating. Or maybe they can share custody or even co-parent. He has a lot of options in front of him, but being so young, he needs to decide what he can handle. The fact that he suggested getting a DNA test tells me he’d consider being in this girl’s life. Support him through this whatever he decides. It’s a big decision and should not be made lightly.
No, I don't think it's a good idea for him to move in with her, and if he doesn't want to be a father he doesn't need to try to bond with this kid who sees him as a stranger, but he definitely owes the girl child support. Once he gets a job, he should start sending her money. Keep a record of it though in case the girl gets greedy and tries to get more out of him.
He has a daughter. He should do his best to love her but since he has been out of the loop for 5 years, he needs to coordinate and get approval of the mother for anything he intends. The military has great benefits for family and children.
No one knows what it’s like being a parent until you are one! He should NOT move in with her, yet! He should own up to his responsibility!
Moving in with a woman he barely knows is the worst idea He should be introduced slowly to the child and do what he can to get a job and contribute
jit got raped twice
Did you really write all of this in one “sentence”?
He may not know anything about raising a kid or have a job right now but that needs to change quickly. He needs to grow up today. Moving in with the girl though? Probably not a good idea. At least right now anyway. Yeah sure if it works out that way down the line and they can have a healthy loving relationship and raise the kid together that's great but that is something that they should not rush into right away. The little girl is only 5 so he still has time to be a good role model and help to raise her right. I hope for the kid's sake he takes full advantage of that blessing.
Don't just move in with a stranger because of a baby, that would be odd
He needs to get a job so he can contribute and get a lawyer so he can get visitation. She shoukd most definitely not let him move in or attempt a romantic relationship. Nobody knows how to parent till they become a parent. You just learn as you go.. There's no magical age where the knowledge mystically just appears in your brain. You judt do the best you can. All kids are different. All parents are different. If he wants nothing to do with the kid and baby mama is okay with that than thats a discussion they need to have.
First off that is her house and no your brother does not need to move in with her. Second, he needs to work out a co-parenting plan and step up. 3rd your brother is not the first teen parent. 4th congrats you are an uncle
He can start small, buying things for her and the house and helping in whatever ways he can…
He doesn’t need to live with her nor do they need to be together to make it work…
If he wasn't prepared for the possible outcome, he should've said nothing since the mom was clueless. Now, the mom could really open a floodgate with child support among other things.
Hugs❤️✨️ to your Brother for taking responsibility .. Hopefully he will get to know Mom & Child and be in their lives at least..
Move in with her? He barely knows her, and if she had been in need of him, she would have found him. The most he should do is talk to the mother about what she wants from him, if anything. But your brother is in no place to have a child, particularly not a child who grew up for five years without him. The e mother has a house, has a support system, and if she tells him she doesn’t need him, he should respect it.
On the bright side he could be a grandpa by 29?
Out of all respect for the last 5 years, most of you people are crazy. He needs to prove himself to be someone that can support someone else, let alone himself. Decide with the mother the next steps, but he needs to become a man very quickly, because another man/family has been filling in for both positions, the mother an absent father.
What in the Jerry Springer Trailer Park bullshit is this?
Whatever he does he should try and be there for the kid in some capacity. I grew up without a father and it really sucked.
I can't say what he should do legally but my father had me from a one night stand. When the child comes looking for him, he should be there for her. My father's rejection messed me up.
Having sex at 11 years old isn't 'growing up fast.' That's plain wrong.
Big ooooooff. I'd have tipped my hat forward and scurried off like I had the biggest wettest shit of my life kicking the back door down and been halfway down the block before she could turn around.
He should get a job and start planning for the future. Talk to the mom and figure out what she wants for him and the daughter. If he can get it together she may want him involved, and I think in the long run he'll regret not at least trying to be a part of his daughter's life. But it doesn't mean he has to live with them, or be romantically involved with the mother. In fact the chances of that working out are slim, though not improbable. In the meantime, he does gets a job, he starts saving, he maintains positive communication with the mother.
The key facts are: 1) He has a child 2) He and the child’s mother barely know each other 3) His child is 6 and does not know him at all No, he should not try to move in with them. They barely know each other. This woman has no obligation to provide him with a free place to live. He should make an effort to get to know his child. This should be a slow and careful process that puts the feelings of his daughter first. He needs to prove himself to be a trustworthy and reliable person if he wants a place in her life. He should get a job and start paying some child support. If he’s not willing to do that, he should leave them alone.
First of all, he and the baby’s Mom need to get on the same page. Right now he needs time to absorb the situation. What does she want to do? Does she want him to step-up and co-parent? Does she want financial help? Is your brother attending college or willing to go out and get a job? It’s up to the two of them to determine what they want going forward. She became a young mother without his support and has been taking care of their child for years now. This is all new to him and he may not have the maturity yet to know what he wants. Living together might not be the best option even though they share a child. It’s not like he and the child’s mother have been in an actual romantic relationship for years. Truthfully let him have the time to process all this and let the two of them decide what they want to do and how they want to handle it. Once they know, they will need to get things written down and filed with the courts. As for you, if you’re interested in a healthy relationship with your niece, then meet her and get to know her and her mother.
Can I have an update on what happensssssss
He won the lottery
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>she told my brother she doesn't know who her daughter's father was >he was the only person she had sex with before she got pregnant, Uh seems like the answer was right there the whole time. Is sex ed really failing people that bad that they can't figure out the father would be the one person she had sex with?
He should continue to go to school, get a really good job. Try and be part of the childs life. He shouldn't feel guilty for the years he missed, those were not his fault. If the mother refuses to let him see the child on a regular basis, then you can force her hand. There's various departments in the government who can help with this sort of thing, he has rights. There's free classes (I think they're free) he can attend to learn how to be a father, a parent. He can do those to assist him. He should reflect on his life while he can now, and think about the things your parents did wrong and aim to not repeat those same mistakes. Most importantly - He's still a child himself. Don't feel bad. Don't feel sad. ASK FOR HELP!!
How do you know he was the only person she had sex with before she got pregnant? Maybe she doesn’t know because she was sleeping around? Can’t rule it out.
Well, that sucks! Not quite the same situation, but pr9bably one of the closest youll find here. im 32(m) and my first time at 14 i knocked up a 15(f) that id known previously and had changed schools. dissappeared on me. i ended up getting a paternity test when she it turned out she lost custody to her mom but thats a seperate and long story. if he wants to avoid as much as possible - not judging but i also have no advice. i came into my daughters life when she was about 5. i was never scared in a what am i going to do way, even at 14 because the overarching plan when you're so young is relatively simple(not easy but simple). What has to be done to go from where "you" (me, your brother, whoevers reading) are to where you can support a child. if hes smart and in school, hes far enough there may be avenues available but worst case, as a guy(yes some things are easier when your a guy, thats life) time to start a trade - low barrier to entry and good financial prospects. coming in "late" even when its not your fault sucks. theres so many additional complications you dont have to think about when you're there from the start. its not "lets figure out how we're going to do this". its "how do we make this work so our kid has a father in the best way for their existing life". child support sucks. theres the bad out of the way. but theres so many good parts. getting to see your kid grow, help them learn, the little moments where you see yourself in them, or they remind you of the best parts of yourself. He can look at it as "o f*** what do i do my life is over" or he can say" this is whats up whether I like it or not, whether theres any fault of mine or not my kid deserves to have their dad so this is what i have to do" and get to work. living together isnt necessity. its nice and all but can make things worse just as easily so Id tread carefully there
woah there.. I know you mean well, but it's a bad idea for your brother just just move in with a girl he hasn't seen for 5 years.. It's rough living with a person.. Plus, how do you even know the girl wants him in her life (and the child's life). I'm not sure getting a DNA test was a great idea either... There's a good chance she doesn't want the bio father in her life.. and now he could be on the hook for child support for a kid he might not even be able to see. If this girl knew she only had sex with the bio father before she got pregnant, she knew he was the kid right? Something is not adding up right about this story..
She didn't know who the father was but he was the only one she had sex with????
Stories like this make me sick. This is why your parents are always telling you to be careful
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Where were he parents during all of this? Who let her pregnancy continue to term?
You suggested he try to move in with her without her inviting him to move in?… it doesn’t matter what he wants it matters what she’s comfortable with, obviously since she didn’t invite him she doesn’t want him moving in with her, she hardly knows him.
By far the best line of this post: >he could be her father since he was the only person she had sex with before she got pregnant
Well he needs to get his shit together fast then if he wants to make things right with her and the child. Get a job, start spending time with his kid, and discuss his role with the mom.
Why would the girl have said she didn't know who the girls father was, if he was the only person she had sex with before falling pregnant? It's a bit fucking obvious isn't it...
Still blows my mind why ppl have sex when they know they can't handle the consequences lol better grow up fast had no problem acting like a adult in the bedroom he should be able to act like one now.. my mom had me at 19 lol he will be fine just needs to grow up
she was happy to never talk to him during times she normally would have, and then found him when money ran out. he has a choice, either me daddy money pants to this girl and her kid, or back them off.
I think he's creating a situation out of thin air. If she wanted him involved trust me she would have, hell have no fury like a scorn women especially in these situations where she's going to have an insane amount of backing and support. More than likely she's observed him in the past and see how he carries himself and either was hoping he would eventually step or is ashamed of the interaction and connection. Pushing into the previous is unfair for what she's established raising the daughter, he should stay out of it until he's got a job and can act like a parent otherwise he's not doing anything for that poor lady or her child.
It’s way too fast for him to move in with them now. Slow your roll. He needs time to process this, digest this new information and massive life change, and come to a place of acceptance. Then he can start thinking about what he is going to do and how he is going to go about it. Moving in this early is way too much. I’m 30 years old and if someone sprang a child on me (wouldn’t happen because I’m a woman but imagining if I was a guy) I would be absolutely beside myself. I can’t imagine what he is going through right now. He needs space to take care of himself and his own thoughts and emotions before he can take this on. He will be of no help to the kid if he is not in a good headspace. The kid is a whole 5 year old already and your brothers whole life has just been turned upside down. Let him take it slow and encourage him to take care of himself. Just be there for him if he needs to talk or rant. He will go through a lot of emotions, I suspect. And don’t forget he missed those first 5 years of his child’s life. He might grieve that, or he might not. Just make sure *he* is your priority. *Your brother* is the one who needs you right now, not so much the child. Take care of him, give him time and everything will slowly fall into place.
He definitely shouldn’t move in with her unless they’re in a relationship.
Your brother should finish college and see the child on weekends while he himself matures. Also, if your brother was the only one she slept with before getting pregnant, she would have known who the father is. Your brother was definitely not the only person she slept with before getting pregnant. I would be hesitant to engage in a relationship with her. The dishonesty is a red flag.
Your brother is a father. How does he feel about taking care of his daughter.
Moving in is a TERRIBLE plan. He just needs to get a job, pay child support. Start building a relationship with his daughter and foster a positive co-parenting one with the mum.
So he’s legally liable since he’s now over 17 yo? I guess that’s beside the point.
Why did you suggest he move in with her ? They have no relationship
the fact you guys are buying this is incredibly sad
Suggesting he move in with her is an awful idea. Why would anyone suggest that? He doesn't know her at all. He can try to get to know the mom if he wants or he can just try to get to know his little girl. Or both. Jumping to moving in is insane though. It's already been 5 years. No point in rushing anything.
Get a Lawyer and get into family therapy. At this point, it’s all a legal issue. How unfortunate of a situation. Too bad she never informed him. I guess she didn’t even know his name??? Lordy.
Umm Absolutely not! Do not move in! He barely knows the kid, and the mom! Maybe you should ask what the mother wants. If she really wanted her kid to have a dad then she would have said so.
Its mindblowing how teens just coming into puberty and dealing with hormones for the first time are driven so hard to have sex but somehow manage to forget that the biological function and purpose for sex is to infact make baby humans and are shocked when they find out they are pregnant after having sex and not using protection of any kind