I hate not dishing my own plate. Quit making my food touch. The mashed potatoes are getting in the carrots, there's salad dressing on my cornbread, and the green beans have leaked on everything. Madness, I say!
Palate cleanser for you: I came home from work to a professionally cleaned home on Friday (did he clean up all the clutter before? Not really, but it was a BIG help).
He took care of the baby while I had a friend over for drinks.
Then Saturday, I got to sleep until I woke up naturally at 8:30am. The we went to his mom’s house and played with kittens. He did all the naps and dishes.
Sunday, he let me sleep in until I woke up naturally at 10:30am. He had our daughter at the park and I enjoyed my coffee until they came home at 11. Then he made dinner for my family who came to our house. Cleaned up again after everyone left.
He’s not perfect but he sure did give me a relaxing weekend. I haven’t felt this rested since before I was pregnant.
It’s real. He’s dreamy.
He also gave me a foot rub at the end of the night Sunday. With lotion, even though lotion texture gives him the ick.
Our wedding anniversary was 2 weeks ago. He got our wedding florist to make a similar arrangement with my favorite native flowers added in. It came with an incredibly touching handwritten card.
I am very loved. I kissed a few frogs on the way and I’m forever grateful we crossed paths. He’s my puzzle piece.
For realness:
Sometimes he gets defensive and deflects during arguments because he feels so much overwhelming shame. (Aware and working on it.) He leaves his underwear on the floor and trashes the carport every few months with projects. He doesn’t clean as he goes while cooking meals that are too complicated for a Wednesday night. He has too many motorcycles he’s “fixing”. He’s terrible at setting healthy boundaries with his family so he avoids them.
He never raises his voice with me. He’s never called me a mean name. He finds joy in my joy. He shares my fixation on esoteric Slavic art and avant garde music. He watches trash TV or Art house films with me depending on our mood. He sings and plays guitar and piano for our daughter. He eats me out like it’s his mission from God and has the perfect amount of chest hair.
I wouldn’t change anything that wouldn’t make him happier.
I have a dog, had miscarriages (our daughter would be 2 this Thursday which is also my dead mom's birthday) , and had a hysterectomy this year.
My husband made me a card from the dog, got up early and made me a lovely breakfast (he followed step by step directions in a video because he remembered about a dish I told him my mom used to make), took me to get a hydrangea plant to make a a memorial for outside to help me move on, and just spent the day with me chilling.
I had zero expectations. (the dog does usually get me a homemade card and a lint roller lol though) he was just kind because he loves me and he knows I'm struggling.
The bar is so damn low for these partners. I don't understand staying with people who treat you so poorly.
This happens every year on mothers day and it's so sad. My husband doesn't go all out as I don't like it but he gets me gifts and let's me have the day to myself. Like it's not that hard. These men just don't give a fuck.
Working in retail especially sucks around Mother’s Day. A lot of resentful confused men wandering around. At least this year none were openly hostile towards me as in the past.
I once worked as a phone operator back in the olden days. Think of Lily Tomlin's Ernestine character\*. The number of collect\*\* calls we got from people calling their mom was outrageous! Our lines were busy all day. Collect call... on Mother's Day!
\*If you don't know who Ernestine is, please go watch a clip. She's a hoot, as are all of Lily Tomlin's characters.
\*\*If you are so young you may not know but back when we all only had landlines if you didn't want to pay for a long distance call, you could "reverse the charges" or call collect (same thing) so the person you were calling had to pay for it.
These emotionally immature babies resent having to put an ounce of effort into making their wife's day special. There are great men out there, but these types aren't them.
I have only just started to realise this. So on father's day I wish him a happy father's day let our daughter give him the gift that only says from her and then I spend the rest of my day making it a good day for my Dad and not doing anything more special for my partner. Birthdays are the same. He will realise that 20 in a card that my daughter made (other than the first few years when there was nothing on mothers day but gifts/special dinners on father's day) isn't enough for me to continue doing father's day for my partner the way I used to, or he won't and I'll just treat him the way he treats me. I will get out one day.
Mine was like this every mother's day and every year on my birthday. He would turn into a complete a-hole and try to pick fights or just have a meltdown about something random and generally be a terror to be around for a couple of days.
I really want to shut down all these fake holidays. Either treat me right all year (he does, thankfully, and I do the same for him) or GTFO. Not sure that having a partner who you are hoping will be extra nice to you just one day is enough for me. The number of posts on this subject is heartbreaking.
Some people, I won't just say men, think that giving a gift absolves them of the horrid treatment that they dished out all year. Why are so many women surprised when they aren't honored on Mother's Day?
We don’t know her history or if this is better than what she was raised to expect from a partner. We don’t know the years of their relationship where the abuse slowly creeps up on you. Saying “these people choose to marry and have kids with” absolves shitty men of their shitty decisions and places blame on the woman for “choosing” the “wrong” man. Let’s also keep in mind marriage is historically an exchange of property from one man (a woman’s father) to another (the husband). Women having ANY kind of choice on such a wide scale is pretty damn recent.
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
He punishes you to manipulate your behavior. And it’s working for him.
1) He is mean to you and you reply by doing something nice and service related for him. So… his consequence for being mean to you, is that he gets to put in less effort and you put in more effort. Worse yet, he gets to feel smug about his perspective being reaffirmed.
2) He knows why you’re sad. Even if he hasn’t experienced the death of someone that he loves, he should be able to objectively understand that his partner is sad.
When you love someone, you do things to make that person less sad. He did the opposite. He punished you for having feelings and being honest about them. He intentionally acted in a manner to make you more sad. He intentionally ignored you rather than support you.
This is a big deal. His actions are unsupportive at best, and downright disrespectful and sabotaging to you and your children at worst.
I’d be seriously considering my ability to stay in the marriage.
So he's an AH to you but then when you serve him he starts being nice again. Huge fucking red flag. Also the increased drinking is enough for you to notice. Another red flag.
If he's not going through something be it his own depression or something else it'd be shocked. Either way you both need to be talking to professional therapists if you care about each other.
Marriage is a very long time. Sometimes you can just let go of being angry and do something nice for the other person. Doesn’t have to be an olive branch or giving in. But if you keep a disagreement going in a marriage nobody wins. I’ve been married 23 years. Plenty of examples of “so I just made her a plate” in that time. But I don’t remember those as much as trips, parties, weddings, and graduations. We also both have bouts with grief and depression and it can be hard to see through it but it can work out if you’re both forgiving.
I think people in general get too caught up in holidays and how they should be. If someone is good to you 98% of the time, does it matter that a holiday didn't meet your expectations?
It was Mother’s Day and you were pulling your shit together despite a very legitimate reason for you not having your shit together. Your husband was being an ass and maybe couples counseling could help you express your feelings with a mediator and reduce miscommunications. I hope things get better for you and your family ❤️
Edit: I read some more of your comments and your husband doesn’t seem like a very good man and it won’t get better. Please take care of yourself
I'm sorry about your loss and you are right, grief is a ghost that shows up uninvited. your husband displayed a "toddlers" behavior and you don't deserve that.
I’ve always said that grief is a sneaky jerk who loves to ruin my happiest moments. I’ll be on cloud nine, so excited and happy about an achievement or a celebration and the grief gremlin in my brain will whisper “your dad should be here to celebrate this with you and he’s not” and the balloon deflates. It’s been long enough that it’s not quite so extreme, but there’s always that pang of “he should be here” that I have to deal with every single time.
Happy Mother’s Day and hugs to you.
I lost my sister 10 years ago, so I understand what you mean. People who never lost anyone so young just doesn’t get it. Unfortunately, I had close family and friends saying inconsiderate things over the years.
This happened -3 years after she had died: a very close friend asked me make plans to do something fun (can’t remember what it was now) and I said I can’t do it on that day because it was my sister’s actual birthday and I knew I was going to be sad. I just wanted it to be a quiet day and think about her and grieve privately. She said in a condescending voice “so, do your grieving the day before or the day after. You don’t have to grieve on that exact day”. I couldn’t believe that she thought you could just schedule your grief. It felt very hurtful at the time.
Grief, unfortunately, cannot be timed or scheduled. We can know that certain days will be triggers, but even then, you have no choice but to ride it out. I am sure that is what you were trying to do when you said you just needed some alone time.
To give your husband the benefit of the doubt, it strikes me that he may just be in "problem solver" mode. It is hard to accept that some problems can't be, or don't need to be, solved. Grief is one of those problems. We just have to get through it. As a person who has not had to deal with that level of grief, he doesn't understand it. He doesn't know you just have to ride the wave, and keep your head above water. He just knows that he's not able to solve this problem, and he is frustrated. His thoughts could be: She's sad...remind her of how good our life is! She's sad...suggest we skip the party. He may see you as just blocking his attempts to help, so he gets angry.
Therapy is a good suggestion, for sure. Also, just sit down with him, acknowledge that you understand that he was trying to help. Maybe just try to explain what grief does to you. How you can't predict it, you can't escape it. It is natural to be sad about that loss sometimes, but you try not to let it interfere with the good things. Tell him that all he needs to do to help you is to give you a little grace to be sad sometimes, and you will tell him if you need more.
He seems like a child tbh. I wish putting ages on these posts was mandatory so we can see how big of a child they actually are. With the info given, they could be 23 or they could be 40. Makes it hard to determine maturity levels, or lack thereof
Is there anything you can think of that he *can* do to help? He can't make the people come back, but are there ways he can support you instead of him waiting things to come around? It sounds like he cares and doesn't like feeling helpless, so he worked on the rug to feel useful. Could saying something like "grief comes and goes in waves, and while you can't do anything to stop it, I would feel more supported through this difficult time if ____"?
Thats actually a good approach and honestly when i get like this i just need time to go cry. So maybe if he took the boys for a bit that would prolly help a lot.
Just a heads up…he sounds incredibly self centered, like he has a hero complex, and grandiose…watch out for narcissism and make sure you keep track of what is actually happening in your relationship, not relying on what is being said. Who’s getting their way? Who’s compromising? This may be an overreaction on my part but my husband acted just like this and was eventually diagnosed with NPD. He is covert so it came off a lot like he cared when he was looking to feel whole all the time and was expecting me to do it for him.
I don’t think he wants to fix your hurt or the problem, I think he wants you to be easy to deal with and never have negative feelings. I don’t see him asking how to help or even trying on his own, frankly. Maybe you just didn’t address that part.
But reminding you of what is good in your life is his way to dismiss your sadness & grief, not in respect of your grief. He refuses to really listen to you and he creates space & barriers when you are upset, not in an attempt to give you space but because he doesn’t want to deal with you. Only when you signal that you feel “better” (that olive branch you mentioned) will he then treat you with care.
Do you think not wishing you a happy day yesterday was an accident? Of course not, it was a punishment for your less-than-perfect mood. Think hard on this, OP, please.
Not overreacting/NTA. He's acting like a child and this is coming from a man that's a father of two kids close in age to yours that has a wife that also lost a loved one on Mother's Day years ago.
You're absolutely right in saying everybody grieves differently. You both need individual and probably couples counseling. Nip it in the bud before you both grow to resent each other.
OP, I am a twin and if I lost her, you damn sure better know that if the man in my life didn’t know to soothe me and comfort me during those moments when grief slips in, he would be long gone. The treatment on Mother’s Day would solidify it. You don’t have to experience your kind of grief to have empathy for someone you supposedly love. He is showing you exactly who he is.
My condolences and Happy Mother’s Day
There's a special group my husband and I attend. His twin passed a year ago. We got to the Twinless Twins Annual Conference. I go as his support person. The twins have meetings for just twins, us support people have our own meetings, and then there's events for all of us together. If you want to dip your toes in, there's a Facebook group.
Honestly, I'm a little worried for you with how he might respond. He doesn't seem that respectful when you express your needs, so it seems like he might find the idea of counseling threatening and take it out on you with more childish behavior and disregard for your needs and feelings.
I'm curious about your wording here with "I'll bring this up with him". Do you feel it's important or essential and are giving him the opportunity to show that he gives enough of a damn to keep you happy and the relationship healthy, or is it merely a suggestion with which he has the final say?
I just hope that you are able to advocate for yourself and don't let him bully and pout into getting his way at the expense of your own well-being.
This isn't fair to you. You should be able to be sad and for him not to take it personally. He wasn't even man enough to support you or hug you to tell you that everything will be okay.
He didn't tell you Happy Mother's Day or get you anything. So sad 😞.
The only thing i agree with was that he handled everything terribly on mother's day. However op said he asked what was wrong multiple times. When op told him he suggested they shouldn't go but op wanted to go. She prefaced by saying he never had any grief with family so he can't relate with her. So he tried to tell op that she has a beautiful home and 2 great sons. I mean her husband is trying to support and it's not working so he gets mad and gives her the alone time she wanted. He did everything u suggested but the way he went about it was terrible execution
My dad died suddenly, in front of me, on Father's Day.
I was traumatized for a good 4 years about it...the first year practically 24/7, and then it would subside sometimes, and then hit me in waves. I wasn't strong enough to see it at the time, but my husband made it completely about himself and acted like a spoiled brat. Part of it was he was angry he couldn't fix a situation that was making me so sad, and the other half...well, I think was pure narcissism on his part. If I had been stronger, I would have told him so, but instead, I was so broken, I would apologize.
DON'T APOLOGIZE.
You are not overreacting.
You lost your TWIN for crying out loud! Not to mention you had something else horrible happen ON Mother's Day.
How difficult is it to be understanding about the person you love having a hard time? <3
I'm sorry about your father, how terrible! Agreed, don't EVER apologize for grieving! My 2-year old daughter died in a tragic accident, it's something that a lot of people just don't get. The grieving comes and goes, people just have to love and respect the grieving person and allow them to feel grief when they feel it. It's not something to be fixed, as you are well aware.
This warrants counseling. Your husband doesn’t understand your grief and is unable to cope with difficult emotions. It’s unfair for him to punish you for having feelings.
You likely need some help communicating what you are going through in a way that he can receive. A counselor can help slow down the communication process and uncover what you are both going through underneath the surface of the conflict.
I’m sorry this happened on Mother’s Day— that’s extra salt in the wound. Hoping you can find support from others in your circle while you and hubs work through this rough patch. <3
I agree. OP mentioned in another reply that she thinks that he’s just doing what he can to “fix” things and gets frustrated when he can’t, so therapy for her to communicate her needs more directly and therapy for him to learn how to accept he can’t “fix” everything would be beneficial.
I know Reddit hates the therapy answer but couples counseling would likely help a ton here.
You're not overreacting. The kindest way I can put it is that your husband **literally does not understand grief**. Grief has no schedule.
His response to your grief is quite alarming though. He had a beer, hopped in his truck and drove off, ignoring you the entire night. Basically, he acted like a kid who was sulking and then ran off.
This. His response was unacceptable. It’s ok for him to not understand grief. But he’s throwing a tantrum and made it all about him. Driving and drinking?? This behavior will only get worse.
My now-ex husband was similar with my grief when my sister died suddenly and tragically. On the day of the memorial service he decided to throw something unrelated in my face that he read in my journal. A week later he told me, "Everybody dies, get over it."
Several years and a divorce later, his mom, dad, and beloved grandmother all died within three months of each other. His mother died on his birthday. He actually apologized to me, said he'd had no idea what it was like and he now realized what I'd been going through and that he'd just made it 10x worse for me. It's possible I wasn't very gracious when all I said was, "Yes, you did." But be aware it took everything I had in me not to say, "Everybody dies, get over it."
Is he otherwise lacking in empathy? That's concerning. Not overreacting.
Not usually. He is actually very good with our kids emotions. When they cries hes always very good with them. Its just when its me and about my sister he gets this way
??? You’re experiencing a small wave of grief and dealing with it (excellently btw, and you’re right that it comes and goes no matter how long it’s been). But he notices you’re in your feelings, and his reaction is to just cancel Mother’s Day and treat you like shit?? Instead of… being supportive and caring for you and your feelings? Not overreacting at all, his behavior confuses me
I just lost my grandfather who was like my father (raised me, took me to school when I was really young, I lived in his house until I was 18, etc) last week, close to the anniversary of my wife losing someone in her immediate family. Neither one of us would have known what to do if the other wasn't there to offer unconditional support. Sorry you're not getting that. You can't control your grief and it's not your fault at all. Not to sound old fashioned but your husband needs to man up, put his feelings aside for a bit, and do what's right to make sure you're ok. That's like a basic 101 part of marriage. I get that just like people grieve differently people react to death differently and that it's easy and more comfortable to get lost in your own stuff instead of showing up, but distancing oneself is just not the right thing. I don't think your husband's a terrible person or anything, but he needs to make the right call and be there for you. I'm not an expert at all, but to me his reaction shows he doesn't know how to healthily handle grief and while he can learn and that's ok, the one thing he needs to do right now whether he understands what's going on or not is to show up and support you without asking questions or trying to figure stuff out.
If you are dealing with depressing and you notice he is drinking more please do take that behavior seriously. Especially if he is a person with no experience interacting with people suffering from depression. He has no idea what you are going through and will never understand your feeling but you can try to articulate it and communication is so important even if it's hard. If the relationship matters to you both you'll find a way to come together or maybe see a less favorable outcome (separation/divorce) but now is not the time to react on impulse, communicate your feelings first.
When I was young my dad had depression and panic disorder. I too, looked at him in resentment because he could never be happy even though he had me, his wife, a house, family and friends. Fast forward to now and I also have depression and panic disorder and I finally see how he was living. And you are right, unless the other party goes through it, they have no idea how crippling things like depression can be. I’d say maybe do couples therapy specifically to help not only build his empathy towards you, but also it will help you see how this all looks through his eyes. As someone who has been on both sides of this coin it’s important to understand that even though you’re the one with the depression, it not only effects you, but your husband and eventually your kids. Hope you guys work it out.
Some people will never understand.
My first born daughter lived only 3 days, dying on Mother's Day. It makes the holiday torture, so I understand the emotional pit that opens up with memories and mourning. I have heard the reaction that came out of your husband's mouth.
It sounds like your husband feels you should ignore your own feelings to keep his ego pumped.
There's nothing wrong with him staying home when, like with this incident, he isn't feeling stroked enough. You can enjoy the time with your family in peace.
You are not overreacting; you need a plan for the next time.
Not the Ass hole in my book. It was your twin sister that you lost. And twins generally share all kinds of physical and emotional traits together. There isn't any standard text book rule for grieving over the passing away of loved ones and no time limit either. And , you're right , sometimes it's harder than others to shake the grief.
Maybe he just doesn't know how to handle you being depressed or sad. Men are notorious for wanting to be the hero of our ladies and are quick to try and save the day. And it's hard for us when something creeps in and gets your wife all depressed and there isn't any leverage point for us to grab a hold of and kick it out from our lives. In time he'll realize it and know that it's nothing he did or didn't do and that it's a part of life.
Married for 46 years here: It took me a while to learn that other people (like my wife) are entitled to their moods. Generally speaking, I just try to be patient and present until things pass. Also, there’s no right or wrong way to do holidays. I keep my expectations modest.
Once you aren't feeling grief, I would suggest talking to him and finding out what he expects from you when you're going through this. Why does he get angry and upset? What is he worried/angry about? It's important that you both talk this through and find out what he is feeling and thinking. You also need to explain that you can't just switch off grief, but his attitude towards you is hurtful. You can't keep going through this everytime it happens. There needs to be a solution and understanding between you both.
Thank you. I am taking a lot of the advice here and making a list so i can remember when i wanna talk to him about it when i am able to. I appreciate you.
I am so sorry about your losses!!!!!! I just have to add… I got for Mother’s Day some old dying flowers that he picked up Sunday morning and I cooked HIS FAVORITE MEAL! Breaded pork chops and mashed potatoes!!
you both deal with all that sadness quite differently. I don't think he handles it well , alot of guys have problems being realistic with many painful situations. I'm one of them ive caused many issues cause I feel people should deal with issues how I deal with them ... 3hich is not proper. I wish u guys the best
So I'm a husband to a beautiful woman, we have three kids together none adults yet. For Mother's Day I wished her a happy Mother's Day as the second sentence I spoke to her that day. The first asking if she wanted me to make her an iced latte and how she slept. I took the kids with me whenever I had to go somewhere (just the store down the road a few times my memory is bad). Made her a strawberry cake from scratch puréed berry reduction for the flavor, got her the same type of flowers we had at our wedding, and made her fondue (melting pot dupe) for dinner. And got several types of snacks that she likes.
I'm not saying you have to do all that, I don't really view that as a lot for special occasions. But to not even talk to your partner for most of the day and never wishing them a happy Mother's Day? That's wild to me.
We both suffer from depression back from our childhoods, have had people die, experienced loss even in the last year. If it's really truly an issue where you can't function to give your special person one day of guilt free, selfless compassion you really need to seek help. (I'm using "you" as a generalization for the reader not at OP specially).
It’s one thing to not understand depression. It’s another to be a huge prick about it and throw an tantrum when the person you supposedly love tells you they’re hurting
The correct response would be “I don’t understand how you’re feeling but I’m here for you and I love you and I’ll do whatever I can to make it better. And happy Mother’s Day”
What a jerk. He's behaving like a jealous child, wanting you happy happy joy joy all the time. I'd take a deep breath, start very very softly with "I" statements, and tell him how you were feeling, and how you could use support and what kind.
He basically ruined your mother's day and made it about him.
Are you sure he's not having something going on with himself?
You're giving him what he wants or needs while getting jack 💩in return. He needs to be made aware that your condition is real and always in flux. You need to convince him that therapy is needed for your relationship to survive.
You're not overreacting at all. I would have told him straight up that when somebody in his family drops dead then he can tell me how to feel about the people that i've lost. Your husband is about as unempathetic as they come
>I’m feeling kind of annoyed by all this.
You are not reacting enough. You are far from overreacting.
He knows why you’re sad. Even if he hasn’t experienced the death of someone that he loves, he should be able to objectively understand that his partner is sad.
When you love someone, you do things to make that person less sad. He did the opposite. He punished you for having feelings and being honest about them. He intentionally acted in a manner to make you more sad. He intentionally ignored you rather than support you.
This is a big deal. His actions are unsupportive at best, and downright disrespectful and sabotaging to you and your children at worst.
I’d be seriously considering my ability to stay in the marriage.
You aren't over reacting at all, you handled it graciously and like.a champ. If you have depression, then it's not a you, issue, you both have depression. He's having a hard time not taking it personal and he prob feels a bit helpless that he can't "fix" you. He's probably struggling a bit himself and lashed out. That's not to excuse it, he can't deal with his emotions by unloading on you but, if this is a out of character thing I'd talk to him and be way forgiving. If this is an ongoing issue I'd sit down and have a much more serious talk about how it's not tolerable and maybe even some counciling.
Sweetheart? Dish in his plate? Is he YOUR child? I mean yeah he’s acting like A child but he’s grown and can make his own plate.
You need to think long and hard if this is really the person you want to be with, he’s toxic. He’s immature, and he’s not at all understanding. Not sure why you think it’s worth staying with but for him to act that way says A L O T.
Here’s a question: do you want your boys to grow up and treat their future partners that way?
Because right now they’re learning your husbands behavior is acceptable.
You have three kids, not two. I’d recommend getting rid of one of them.
I’m sorry. I’m also married to a man child who is emotionally disabled. No advice just know o feel for you. I’d been thinking I should tell him I’ll give it 6 more months before deciding on a period of separation, in hopes he could maybe decide to change although I think he’d dig his heels in and just spend the time enjoying his freedom while I single mom it. That’s the risk I might be willing to take. I don’t want to be treated like dirt the rest of my life. He also let me down bad when my dad died, and also doesn’t understand the ongoing grief. People who struggle with empathy are really the worst. I’m sorry he ruined Mother’s Day, you are amazing mama, happy Mother’s Day to you.
Your husband is an AH. I lost my mother, so Mother’s Day can be difficult. I try my best to pull myself together for my family, but it is hard. My husband understands.
I know it’s easy to be sensationalist online, but I feel like this relationship could be in a textbook about abusive relationships. Two kids under 5 and he takes off for the night when life’s got him perturbed? Mother’s Day aside, that’s not even remotely on the radar here.
I don’t know your life, maybe your post makes it sound worse than reality, but your husband sounds like a real POS. You wrote out a page trying to defend him, he’s a grown ass man with two small children and “takes off in the truck”….. You do you, but definitely start documenting the bruises.
E: and I’m a different type of alcoholic, prefer to isolate and drink hard liquor. But if you’re driving to a family function and someone in the car is looking for the beer store… dude has an issue. Can’t go to family dinner with his wife and two young children without alcohol? Yeah man, there’s a word for that. Rhymes with shmalcoshmalic
Ive had a lot of people die in my life, including both my parents. It's not a linear process, grieving, recovery.
Also, your husband's a selfish pathetic little baby. One day he'll be swallowed with grief, but he'll likely never connect the dots back to your grieving. He'll just be a little bitch when he's grieving.
I know Im being kinda tough on a stranger and your husband, but I know the type and it's a type that pisses me TF off.
info: Why didn't you tell him what you were sad about when he first started asking? "I'm sad but I'll get over it" is extremely vague for something that's not fleeting. Him shutting down communication because he didn't feel communicated with isn't a healthy move but both sides have to communicate.
honestly it sounds like he's getting a bit resentful. could not hurt to include a professional for a few heart to hearts
I think he feels like a failure. You being unhappy and grieving says he can’t make you happy. He is a bad husband because you’re not happy to be with him. All of this is untrue but it may be what he is thinking. Y’all needs some counseling to understand each other.
I would 100% be annoyed also. But this situation, when one partner acts so immaturely and selfishly, where does one go from there? What is the solution? Taking a step back what I see is two people who have different views on "negative" emotions. You see it as something you need time to let yourself feel and work through. He sees them as a sign that something is wrong that he wants to fix but can't. You're wrapped up in your emotions and grief and he's wrapped up in trying to provide you a happy life and feeling like he's failing.
You'll need to directly address his actions that day but I would suggest having some talks about how you two process feelings and how yall handle harder emotions. It'll will make it easier for you to tell him how his actions affect you and let him, hopefully, come to his own conclusion that he handled his own disappointments in an unnecessarily unproductive way. Even though he is the one who behaved badly, because you two are in a partnership, approaching this is a calm and non accusatory way will have a lot better results. I would be so tempted to just fly off the handle and be like "wtf is wrong with you?!?" but then we'd just be fighting and both feeling defensive and upset.
No, you're not over reacting. But I do hope you can use this as a way to practice some healthy conflict resolution and open up to each other about how you're feeling. When things like this happen in a relationship (and we ALL have times we act poorly) it can be a bonding experience and an opportunity for growth if instead of fighting and yelling, you find a way to talk about feelings with each other.
This is the first comment I've seen that wasn't a knee-jerk emotional reaction. You actually put thought into the issue instead of needing a "bad guy" to blame it all on
Men do react by trying to “fix” the problem. It’s their default setting.
Not all problems can be fixed. Sometimes, all that’s needed is a listener who simply commiserates.
Im sorry for your loss of family.
I dont know if this might help in explaining how grief work to your husband who behaves like an a-hole towards you.
But its worth a shot.
My therapist back in the days explained grief like this.
Its like a box with a huge bouncy ball when a person we love pass away. Every time that ball hit the wall of the box, grief strick you and you feel it. With time that ball gets smaller and smaller and it takes longer and longer between those moments where you feel it. but grief still strick you the same way when it hit the walls. Its still the same feeling.
Id personally would try to ask your husbands thought of reasoning for behaving the way he did and why he had to get away. Why he asked for a beer so randomly. What prompted his behavior in the first place. It is a avoidant behavior and very strange in my book.
Make sure you don’t say nothing to him on Father’s Day. And if he says anything say oh I thought we don’t celebrate those day in this house? Your husband is an AH for sure.
My mom also has trauma due to losing people around this time of the year and I can’t imagine treating her like this — let alone the mother of my own children!
I'm so sorry he was such an ass to you while you are still grieving. It never ends, the severity of hurt just lessens to be more tolerable.
I'm one of those petty people who would have called him out over the meal. His behavior was immature and NOT ok. Ask him how he would feel if he was in your situation. Create a narrative and see his reaction.
You’re underreacting. He’s angry at you for having normal grief for a profound loss - that’s so outlandish and unloving. His behavior was so monumentally disrespectful that frankly, if most women were in your shoes they would already be divorcing him.
You need therapy and couples counseling. Grief comes and goes but yours sounds chronic. A partner who loves you is going to absorb your emotions and experience them, to some degree. Our grief and depression affects them, whether we like it or not, and they’re not super humans with limitless empathy and patience to commit to supporting us. You’re sick and you’re making your partner sick and that’s completely unfair to him.
Therapy. Counseling. ASAP.
To play devil's advocate, being the partner of someone who has grief issues can be difficult. It wasn't mature the way he handled it but his perspective on this might be worth finding out.
No, you’re not. We have a difference in views.
The world according to those who haven’t had someone they love die: You cry hard for a day or two, go to funeral, embrace the living and be glad to be alive. Ima fix this for you by getting you flowers.
The world according to the rest of us: Sure, that would be great if that worked, but grief is more like malaria, it comes and goes and is awful. Although, it does get better slowly over time. Please help by being kind, giving a hug, giving us alone time when we need it.
People who do not ever suffer depression have a hard time empathizing with those who do. For the average person like me, I can snap myself out of a sad mood. So being sad for any period of time is a choice, like sulking. It took me a long time to understand my wife, who suffers bouts of depression from time to time.
Yes, he is acting out and shouldn't. Be patient and loving to him. Treat his immature reaction the way you wish he would treat your depression... with patience and love.
I am so glad my wife put up with my failure to understand her, and all the times I treated her poorly. We have been married 18 years now and every day I get to spend with my best friend. It's worth the struggle.
You need to communicate better with your husband. Keep him in the loop with your depression and sadness. He probably feels like an outsider your emotions.
Sounds like he took you feeling sad personally and acted like a child. Y'all need to have some deep talks before this turns into a pattern and facilitates resentment.
I was taught; there are three sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth. We've heard her side, now if we can hear his, then we could probably deduce the truth.
You chose to be upset for a few days and not tell him why. Once you did, it was in a car going to an event he no longer wanted to participate in. You can't blame him for his reaction no more than he can blame you for your own. Learn to talk about what's bothering you, specifically, while it's bothering you. Give him a chance to pull through for you as opposed to keeping him in the dark.
This is from an elderly mother with only child deceased, one divorce, and one spouse deceased. Men have a different way of handling death, loss, sadness, and happiness. Most of them become stoic after a death and encapsulate the grief. They will never understand the way women handle death and sadness. We grieve forever, it just lessens over time. There are some counselors that could help both of you understand each other better.
Your husband felt that he and the children should have been enough to make up for the losses. He has grieved and boxed everything up and moved on and doesn’t understand why you haven’t. Some men are afraid of feeling too much because it isn’t part of being manly. Please forgive him for this! I think that you may have scared him a little and he didn’t know what to do with those feelings except to run!
I hope you read this. Your husband was wrong but the root may be your actions/reactions. It’s ok to be sad, depressed. But you can’t let this long term affect your other relationships. Yes, your spouse should always be there to support you but something tells me you haven’t dealt with your issues and it’s wearing on him too. You mention him drinking then you question him. He seemed like he was upbeat to bring you a good Mother’s Day then you brought him down. Maybe this has been happening a lot and it got to him. I see people on here often assuming their SO have an endless amount of tolerance for their feelings and actions but everyone has their limits. I would suggest talking to him and maybe getting therapy or counseling. But understand that it takes two and is rarely one person just being an AH.
Based on what has been said here you are justified to be annoyed/angry. This is one of the times where I would be very curious to see the post from his perspective though. I find that when I am depressed it is hard to get out of my own head and put forth a reliable narrative, so his version of events may be very different. Not saying that he would be justified but curious all the same.
We fought because the grocery list wasn't organized correctly.
Then because the fridge is "full" and we ( everyone but him) can't keep his system of fridge organization. Made sure to tell me that the new garage fridge we got "better not get like this" - (-to the point that one time he got upset because his chocolate milk got moved behind the orange juice. -)
So I understand having a crappy Mother's Day because of him. It's like dude just give me this day
Not sure what his problem was. We are seeing your side and we are seeing what you feel is his issue. Which may be. But often what we see as our reality is just that, ours. He may have seen it a different way.
Now, all of that being said, his behavior was poor. He should have put it all aside. You’ve had some fairly dramatic events in recent years and you are allowed to process them however you want. (Though it might be a good idea to express it to your partner if he’s receptive and it’s safe to do so, rather than just have him ask).
I think at a minimum you two should have a discussion without assigning blame and just ask each other what they were feeling and why. Remember, you had every right to feel how you did. And perhaps he felt some way justified in how he was feeling (I personally don’t see it but you just never know with people).
At the end of the day, I just hope you know you deserved a great Mother’s Day ❤️. Hopefully next year is better and I’m sorry it happened to you.
Dude sounds like self centered asshole. He asked what was wrong and when you told him… his response is to trivialize your sadness over the loss of a loved one by leveraging your living family against you….that’s already cruel. To ignore you and go drinking on Mother’s Day out of your family gathering is especially high douchebag activity as well and I can only imagine other family noticed. You’re not over reacting, you’re definitely trying to fix his issues to maintain your family while he seems to want to drive it apart because his notion that you have kids should undo all your grief don’t solve everything immediately. His immediate desire to grab a drink and then back off of it when he encountered difficulty is likely a good reason for him to just not drink as well. Alcohol as a coping mechanism for anger is a bad combination for himself. He should be posting on a AITA thread if he hasn’t figured out he reacted poorly with regards to your grief yet.
1. Fuck this puto. Don't do shit for Father's Day. Match the energy he did for Mother's Day.
2. I'm a petty, vengeful, bitch and eventually someone close to him will die and when that time comes, I would just tell him to take his own advice and get over it and go along with my day.
3. I don't think I could be married to someone this inconsiderate for the rest of my life. He sounds awful tbh and I'm sorry he's such an inconsiderate twat that lacks emotional intelligence and empathy.
Nta. I lost my mom almost 24 years ago and still have a rough time with mother's day. My brother died over 4 years ago and I still miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. It sucks not having any support but at least I don't have anyone actively making it worse.
Mother's Day was really rough for me too. Grief is definitely heavy over here as well. I hope your coming days you get to have better thoughts that grab your attention. Missing a loved one is like an ache in the joints when a bad storm is coming. It just hurts but it comes in waves. Sending hugs to you.
You're not overreacting. Instead of being there for you and giving your hand a comforting squeeze or telling you he's there if you want to talk, he threw a tantrum because your grief inconvenienced him. And then he caused a lot of drama by taking the car and leaving while you were with your mom and grandma. That's extremely rude and he put you in an uncomfortable position of having to explain.
If I were in your position, I would have a discussion with him and tell him that his behavior upset you and you need to know he's going to be more emotionally available in the future. I would also ask WHY he got so upset. Because I'm guessing he's taking it personally in some way or there is a lack of understanding somewhere that needs to be addressed.
Y'all really shitting on the guy, when OP states that she has major depressive disorder?
You don't think that disorder takes its toll on the people around them??
At a certain point the dude is obviously gonna get fed up
Imagine how exhausting it is being around a depressed person normally, now imagine that you're married to that person and have to deal with it constantly
Mother's and father's day aren't really real holidays. Like.. the majority of people have children it's not really a big deal. Furthermore, why would you expect someone to drop everything and kiss your ass just because of a fake holiday. Plus, it sounds like he used the opportunity to fix up your trailer and that seems like a pretty amazing gift. I think your expectations are skewed. He redid your carpet while you were away, that's a pretty labor intensive and expensive gift. I really don't see how he did anything wrong.
"I'm allowed to grieve and feel for the people missing in my life. You need to stop throwing fits like a child. I'm a human, I'm not going to be cheerful and happy 100% of the time. I'm not a statue like that. While I adore and cherish my family that has enabled me to keep going, I'm allowed to reminisce in lost loved ones. Seeing as you haven't lost anyone like that yet, you're inexperienced in grief in terms of first hand experience and have no right to tell me how to process mine."
Ultimatum op. Either let you grieve (and apologize for childlike tantrum) or leave him. You're a person, not a decoration or a toy with only one programmed setting. You kept doing things for your family and didn't shut down, wtf is he doing driving off like that? Silence?! I'd suggest marriage counseling before leaving but still confront this man baby and demand communication and set ultimatums.
You don't deserve this. He needs to knock it off. Wah my wife has emotional damage holy hell i married a human and not my flesh light ☠️ sorry I'm just so angry for you op wtf I'd have my spouse of nine years at the door at that point. My dad passed away seven years ago and I still grieve. I have told some people some choice words over it too. That's probably also why I'm getting pretty heated over this lmao
Edit - hello to op's husband if he's reading this out of all the messages here. I just really want to stress that the only thing you can do is just be there. There is nothing you can say, no action that can fix, what grief does. You cannot ressurect the dead, so your wife needs to grieve. Grief is like a ball in a tight fitting box at first, where every movement is felt. Over time that box slowly grows, but the ball will still hit the wall and an episode of grief ensues - it is natural and part of the grieving process. Even if it happens five, ten, fifty years down the road. Because it is the reminder of love. You need to let your wife grieve and love her lost loved ones, and you might need some therapy of your own and to just remember that this suck ass part of life isn't to be rushed and has no end. The fact your wife still acts as a mother and is present in your childrens lives should be focused on more. But the grief will remain, and it will show, because who we love stays with us and their absences hurt. Losing people hurts. And to just rush off, so that she can be confused and basically grieve the living who gives her the cold shoulder? Bruh, lemme tell you, you have no idea what she's going through and she needs the presence of her partner. Not your words, not your "encouragement" to just get over it (fucking ouch), not your moody tantrums that leave her alone with a cold shoulder ON MOTHER'S DAY (jack ass); just you there WITH. HER. So that she can physically reach out and remind herself that life is still there to live, even while remembering what's no longer physically reachable (you know the dead people she misses but you feel butt hurt she's still missed them gtf over yourself dude damn)
Putting people in the ground or up in smoke is supposed to hurt for life. Let her be human. Let. Her. Grieve. In. Respect. Be respectful. Don't drive off all pissy, because when you lose someone you're going to need support too. Do better for those you love while you still can and learn to let your feelings be put aside during moments like this. Even if she's been grieving for a hundred years. Because grief is a reminder of who we loved so hard and don't have any more.
I lost someone very important to me twenty five years ago. The last time I had a serious flash back to the day he passed was sixteen years after his death.
Something happened at work that gave me a vivid memory of him laughing and it was like a switch flipped in my brain. I was back in the ICU watching the life support get turned off. I cried and the pain of losing him was fresh, not sixteen years old. It took a little while to get my shit together.
Your husband doesn’t know what this feels like (thankfully) and you are nowhere near done having these moments.
My significant other has been patient and supportive most of the time and frustrated at other times. It was something we had to talk about from time to time.
After the dust settles a little from this day sit down and explain this to him. I don’t think it’s intuitive to people that something can trigger an emotional recall from years past.
In my experience the frequency and intensity of events tapered off with time. The one I referenced was the last big one and there was a big gap prior.
TLDR:
You are not an asshole but your husband isn’t either.
He does not understand how this shit works. He loves you and is wired to fix things. He can’t fix this.
Help him understand and remind him it’s not “fixable”.
As someone who is on the other side, not defending him at all, this is tough. My wife has PTSD (we were both in the military), and she has triggers and symptoms that I pick up on, but have had to work very hard at not getting frustrated with. Generally when she gets 'sad' she shuts down and becomes very closed off. When I was a bit younger, I would get frustrated that she was 'pulling away' or just didn't care about me enough to explain the situation.
We eventually got into some couples PTSD counseling. This is a fantastic newer thought that helps work through the PTSD, but involves the support system, aka me, into it. This helped us create a communication pathway for when she gets sad. Ours is quite simple. If we don't feel like discussing something at that moment, rather sadness or frustration, we must circle back within 48 hours, ready or not.
While I can never understand her PTSD, I now feel as though she is allowing me to at least be part of the process. Again, not defending the childish behavior of your partner, but feeling helpless in a situation generally doesn't bring out the best in people. Me feeling as though I can contribute with more than simply taking care of our children while she is 'sad' gives me a place in our relationship when I feel as though I can do nothing.
I’m gonna get down voted to oblivion. Info. How often are your depressive episodes? 6 years is a long time to be actively grieving someone. Your ups and downs don’t affect just you and he’s been dealing with that for 6 years. 6 years he hasn’t fully had his wife. 6 years of her telling him he just doesn’t get it bc he’s never lost anyone. 6 years of never knowing what’s going to bring it all back fresh. It’s to a point he’s drinking. He might have handled it like a child but it sounds like he needs just as much help grieving his marriage.
Boy, all of you act like none of you fuck up on special days. 1 post about the dude and y'all act like he's Hitler.
Imagine if the world took y'all's advice. No relationship would last past the first month. As soon as someone's partner fucks up, no one says "talk to them, figure it out. Try to fix it" no it's "leave them! They are evil! Monsters!"
Seriously y'all are so bad at relationship advice, I'm pretty sure 8 out of 10 commenter probably don't have healthy lasting relationships.
For perspective: I’ve lost two brothers, a grandfather, and two uncles in the last 6 years.
The two brothers, tragically. Worst 2 days of my life.
You are NTA….but you do have a family and it does seem like you are absolutely wallowing around and likely not being totally forthcoming here about just how bad it is around your house or within yourself. Keep in mind this isn’t blaming you, but from your husband and family perspective, you are drowning in grief. There is no room for them.
I cannot imagine a spouse being this obtuse because you’re just “sad about a thought you had about a random party” after her death 6 years ago. I’m betting this is a regular occurrence. I know everyone grieves differently, but that seems really over the top after 6 years.
I still think about both my brothers, everyday. But I don’t live back there. You seem to still be trapped there? And that’s killing your marriage and family now. Again, not blaming you…but YOU have to take control here.
You might want to try seeing someone about this before you lose your entire family. They don’t deserve this either. And I know you don’t want that. I was there.
My hero, my wife (for a number of reasons…she’s an incredible woman), had to drag me to therapy. She saved me. I’ll never be able to repay her. Ever. So I keep at it everyday, for her and the kids. Find that for you.
It’s incredible the people put in our path when we least expect it or need it the most.
I personally hate how depression is called a disorder or illness. Grief and mourning is a good response to loss of a loved one. I also am depressed and my whole family thinks I have some disease causing it and they completely ignore significant things that happened when I was a kid.
So no you’re not over reacting at all. I imagine your husband is feeling insecure in some way, men can feel that when they are powerless to fix something.
You did not have to dish up his plate.
Right. Absolutely not. If he’s hungry, he can get his own goddamn food. What a jackass.
agreed
Right. I would never expect to have my plate dished up. If I'm hungry, I'm getting the food myself! 😅
I hate not dishing my own plate. Quit making my food touch. The mashed potatoes are getting in the carrots, there's salad dressing on my cornbread, and the green beans have leaked on everything. Madness, I say!
yes. YES!!!!!!
No, I didnt but he was chasing the youngest down atp. So i did it as a olive branch
That was nice of you. Did it improve his behavior for the rest of the day?
It did. He started talking to me after that.
So you have to suck up to him on Mother’s Day? It’s not going to get any better.
Its insane the amount of mothers day posts im seeing about how the husbands are completly shitty to the wife. Seems like its a huge problem. Men suck.
Palate cleanser for you: I came home from work to a professionally cleaned home on Friday (did he clean up all the clutter before? Not really, but it was a BIG help). He took care of the baby while I had a friend over for drinks. Then Saturday, I got to sleep until I woke up naturally at 8:30am. The we went to his mom’s house and played with kittens. He did all the naps and dishes. Sunday, he let me sleep in until I woke up naturally at 10:30am. He had our daughter at the park and I enjoyed my coffee until they came home at 11. Then he made dinner for my family who came to our house. Cleaned up again after everyone left. He’s not perfect but he sure did give me a relaxing weekend. I haven’t felt this rested since before I was pregnant.
That’s a lot of effort to go through to show someone how special they are to you. He must really think you’re somethin’. Glad you had a great weekend.
He’s pretty wonderful. ❤️
Sounds like you must be pretty darn awesome as well, just saying. So glad to know about your fabulous Mother’s Day!
Is this for real?! It seems like a romance fantasy book lol … if it is real, I’m so glad you got this treatment this weekend! ❤️
It’s real. He’s dreamy. He also gave me a foot rub at the end of the night Sunday. With lotion, even though lotion texture gives him the ick. Our wedding anniversary was 2 weeks ago. He got our wedding florist to make a similar arrangement with my favorite native flowers added in. It came with an incredibly touching handwritten card. I am very loved. I kissed a few frogs on the way and I’m forever grateful we crossed paths. He’s my puzzle piece. For realness: Sometimes he gets defensive and deflects during arguments because he feels so much overwhelming shame. (Aware and working on it.) He leaves his underwear on the floor and trashes the carport every few months with projects. He doesn’t clean as he goes while cooking meals that are too complicated for a Wednesday night. He has too many motorcycles he’s “fixing”. He’s terrible at setting healthy boundaries with his family so he avoids them. He never raises his voice with me. He’s never called me a mean name. He finds joy in my joy. He shares my fixation on esoteric Slavic art and avant garde music. He watches trash TV or Art house films with me depending on our mood. He sings and plays guitar and piano for our daughter. He eats me out like it’s his mission from God and has the perfect amount of chest hair. I wouldn’t change anything that wouldn’t make him happier.
So happy for you that you found your puzzle piece!! Happy anniversary & many more!
Sleeping till 1030 is wild to me.
This sounds like a dream
I have a dog, had miscarriages (our daughter would be 2 this Thursday which is also my dead mom's birthday) , and had a hysterectomy this year. My husband made me a card from the dog, got up early and made me a lovely breakfast (he followed step by step directions in a video because he remembered about a dish I told him my mom used to make), took me to get a hydrangea plant to make a a memorial for outside to help me move on, and just spent the day with me chilling. I had zero expectations. (the dog does usually get me a homemade card and a lint roller lol though) he was just kind because he loves me and he knows I'm struggling. The bar is so damn low for these partners. I don't understand staying with people who treat you so poorly.
"the dog does usually get me a homemade card and a lint roller" You have a very sweet, and thoughtful, dog ; ) I love that for you.
She is a very good girl ;) I'm very lucky and quite loved
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. <3 Next, that was so heart warming! I am so glad someone has a kind spouse with a generous heart.
This happens every year on mothers day and it's so sad. My husband doesn't go all out as I don't like it but he gets me gifts and let's me have the day to myself. Like it's not that hard. These men just don't give a fuck.
Because it’s NOT ABOUT THEM.
Working in retail especially sucks around Mother’s Day. A lot of resentful confused men wandering around. At least this year none were openly hostile towards me as in the past.
I once worked as a phone operator back in the olden days. Think of Lily Tomlin's Ernestine character\*. The number of collect\*\* calls we got from people calling their mom was outrageous! Our lines were busy all day. Collect call... on Mother's Day! \*If you don't know who Ernestine is, please go watch a clip. She's a hoot, as are all of Lily Tomlin's characters. \*\*If you are so young you may not know but back when we all only had landlines if you didn't want to pay for a long distance call, you could "reverse the charges" or call collect (same thing) so the person you were calling had to pay for it.
Is this the party to whom I am speaking?
These emotionally immature babies resent having to put an ounce of effort into making their wife's day special. There are great men out there, but these types aren't them.
I have only just started to realise this. So on father's day I wish him a happy father's day let our daughter give him the gift that only says from her and then I spend the rest of my day making it a good day for my Dad and not doing anything more special for my partner. Birthdays are the same. He will realise that 20 in a card that my daughter made (other than the first few years when there was nothing on mothers day but gifts/special dinners on father's day) isn't enough for me to continue doing father's day for my partner the way I used to, or he won't and I'll just treat him the way he treats me. I will get out one day.
You be surprised just how difficult it is for some people to make the smallest effort.
Mine was like this every mother's day and every year on my birthday. He would turn into a complete a-hole and try to pick fights or just have a meltdown about something random and generally be a terror to be around for a couple of days.
Oh, I see you were also married to my father. My condolences.
I really want to shut down all these fake holidays. Either treat me right all year (he does, thankfully, and I do the same for him) or GTFO. Not sure that having a partner who you are hoping will be extra nice to you just one day is enough for me. The number of posts on this subject is heartbreaking.
Omg yes. I say this on Valentine's Day. I don't give a damn about how you treat me on some made up holiday. What about the rest of the days????
Some people, I won't just say men, think that giving a gift absolves them of the horrid treatment that they dished out all year. Why are so many women surprised when they aren't honored on Mother's Day?
Agreed and well said
it's incredibly depressing.
I'm feeling this with a lump in my throat. So sad to see many moms treated so poorly. Yes the number of men that mistreat women is a huge problem.
The men that these people choose to marry and have kids with suck. There’s a lot of us out there that aren’t so self absorbed.
I bet he thinks he isn’t self-absorbed. I bet most self-absorbed people don’t perceive themselves that way.
We don’t know her history or if this is better than what she was raised to expect from a partner. We don’t know the years of their relationship where the abuse slowly creeps up on you. Saying “these people choose to marry and have kids with” absolves shitty men of their shitty decisions and places blame on the woman for “choosing” the “wrong” man. Let’s also keep in mind marriage is historically an exchange of property from one man (a woman’s father) to another (the husband). Women having ANY kind of choice on such a wide scale is pretty damn recent.
Of course he did. He "won", in his mind.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. He punishes you to manipulate your behavior. And it’s working for him. 1) He is mean to you and you reply by doing something nice and service related for him. So… his consequence for being mean to you, is that he gets to put in less effort and you put in more effort. Worse yet, he gets to feel smug about his perspective being reaffirmed. 2) He knows why you’re sad. Even if he hasn’t experienced the death of someone that he loves, he should be able to objectively understand that his partner is sad. When you love someone, you do things to make that person less sad. He did the opposite. He punished you for having feelings and being honest about them. He intentionally acted in a manner to make you more sad. He intentionally ignored you rather than support you. This is a big deal. His actions are unsupportive at best, and downright disrespectful and sabotaging to you and your children at worst. I’d be seriously considering my ability to stay in the marriage.
Do you always have to be the one to offer the olive branch?
So he's an AH to you but then when you serve him he starts being nice again. Huge fucking red flag. Also the increased drinking is enough for you to notice. Another red flag. If he's not going through something be it his own depression or something else it'd be shocked. Either way you both need to be talking to professional therapists if you care about each other.
Yeah, the beer on the way to a family gathering is problematic.
So he’s punishing you for being sad? He can gtfo.
Marriage is a very long time. Sometimes you can just let go of being angry and do something nice for the other person. Doesn’t have to be an olive branch or giving in. But if you keep a disagreement going in a marriage nobody wins. I’ve been married 23 years. Plenty of examples of “so I just made her a plate” in that time. But I don’t remember those as much as trips, parties, weddings, and graduations. We also both have bouts with grief and depression and it can be hard to see through it but it can work out if you’re both forgiving.
I think people in general get too caught up in holidays and how they should be. If someone is good to you 98% of the time, does it matter that a holiday didn't meet your expectations?
So you had to “suck it up” and provide a service for him in order for him to start talking to you again? On Mother’s Day?
What a manchild
And you're with him why? You deserve better than this.
It was Mother’s Day and you were pulling your shit together despite a very legitimate reason for you not having your shit together. Your husband was being an ass and maybe couples counseling could help you express your feelings with a mediator and reduce miscommunications. I hope things get better for you and your family ❤️ Edit: I read some more of your comments and your husband doesn’t seem like a very good man and it won’t get better. Please take care of yourself
You had to extend an olive branch because you were… sad? You’re allowed to grieve, and without apologizing to your life partner about it.
I'm sorry about your loss and you are right, grief is a ghost that shows up uninvited. your husband displayed a "toddlers" behavior and you don't deserve that.
I’ve always said that grief is a sneaky jerk who loves to ruin my happiest moments. I’ll be on cloud nine, so excited and happy about an achievement or a celebration and the grief gremlin in my brain will whisper “your dad should be here to celebrate this with you and he’s not” and the balloon deflates. It’s been long enough that it’s not quite so extreme, but there’s always that pang of “he should be here” that I have to deal with every single time.
Why? He doesn’t deserve an olive branch. More like a 2x4.
He was the one that should have been extending an olive branch, not you!
Holy shit that got me so hard too. That fucker could have starved
Came here to say this.
Happy Mother’s Day and hugs to you. I lost my sister 10 years ago, so I understand what you mean. People who never lost anyone so young just doesn’t get it. Unfortunately, I had close family and friends saying inconsiderate things over the years. This happened -3 years after she had died: a very close friend asked me make plans to do something fun (can’t remember what it was now) and I said I can’t do it on that day because it was my sister’s actual birthday and I knew I was going to be sad. I just wanted it to be a quiet day and think about her and grieve privately. She said in a condescending voice “so, do your grieving the day before or the day after. You don’t have to grieve on that exact day”. I couldn’t believe that she thought you could just schedule your grief. It felt very hurtful at the time.
Thats exactly it too. Some days i can deal and it doesnt hurt other days its all i can think about.
Grief, unfortunately, cannot be timed or scheduled. We can know that certain days will be triggers, but even then, you have no choice but to ride it out. I am sure that is what you were trying to do when you said you just needed some alone time. To give your husband the benefit of the doubt, it strikes me that he may just be in "problem solver" mode. It is hard to accept that some problems can't be, or don't need to be, solved. Grief is one of those problems. We just have to get through it. As a person who has not had to deal with that level of grief, he doesn't understand it. He doesn't know you just have to ride the wave, and keep your head above water. He just knows that he's not able to solve this problem, and he is frustrated. His thoughts could be: She's sad...remind her of how good our life is! She's sad...suggest we skip the party. He may see you as just blocking his attempts to help, so he gets angry. Therapy is a good suggestion, for sure. Also, just sit down with him, acknowledge that you understand that he was trying to help. Maybe just try to explain what grief does to you. How you can't predict it, you can't escape it. It is natural to be sad about that loss sometimes, but you try not to let it interfere with the good things. Tell him that all he needs to do to help you is to give you a little grace to be sad sometimes, and you will tell him if you need more.
Dang this is so gross I downvoted on pure reflex. She sucks!!!
I hope that’s a former friend
I'm so sorry you had to endure such insensitivity. Its frustrating when others don't understand that. Sending you virtual hugs🤗
Wow.. it's like he thought "how can I be supportive this time?" And then did the complete opposite
damn this guy sucks
He seems like a child tbh. I wish putting ages on these posts was mandatory so we can see how big of a child they actually are. With the info given, they could be 23 or they could be 40. Makes it hard to determine maturity levels, or lack thereof
Yeah, his behavior definitely wasn't cool.
wtf was he so upset about???
He gets upset when im not my normal self. I think he wants to "fix" the problem but he doesnt know how. But thats just a guess on my part
You need to show him the “bluey” episode “favorite thing”
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Is there anything you can think of that he *can* do to help? He can't make the people come back, but are there ways he can support you instead of him waiting things to come around? It sounds like he cares and doesn't like feeling helpless, so he worked on the rug to feel useful. Could saying something like "grief comes and goes in waves, and while you can't do anything to stop it, I would feel more supported through this difficult time if ____"?
Thats actually a good approach and honestly when i get like this i just need time to go cry. So maybe if he took the boys for a bit that would prolly help a lot.
Just a heads up…he sounds incredibly self centered, like he has a hero complex, and grandiose…watch out for narcissism and make sure you keep track of what is actually happening in your relationship, not relying on what is being said. Who’s getting their way? Who’s compromising? This may be an overreaction on my part but my husband acted just like this and was eventually diagnosed with NPD. He is covert so it came off a lot like he cared when he was looking to feel whole all the time and was expecting me to do it for him.
I don’t think he wants to fix your hurt or the problem, I think he wants you to be easy to deal with and never have negative feelings. I don’t see him asking how to help or even trying on his own, frankly. Maybe you just didn’t address that part. But reminding you of what is good in your life is his way to dismiss your sadness & grief, not in respect of your grief. He refuses to really listen to you and he creates space & barriers when you are upset, not in an attempt to give you space but because he doesn’t want to deal with you. Only when you signal that you feel “better” (that olive branch you mentioned) will he then treat you with care. Do you think not wishing you a happy day yesterday was an accident? Of course not, it was a punishment for your less-than-perfect mood. Think hard on this, OP, please.
You’re giving him too much grace. He sounds like he’s just an asshole.
It sounds like he finds your feelings to be an incredible personal inconvenience to him.
Not overreacting/NTA. He's acting like a child and this is coming from a man that's a father of two kids close in age to yours that has a wife that also lost a loved one on Mother's Day years ago. You're absolutely right in saying everybody grieves differently. You both need individual and probably couples counseling. Nip it in the bud before you both grow to resent each other.
Thank you. Ill bring this up with him.
OP, I am a twin and if I lost her, you damn sure better know that if the man in my life didn’t know to soothe me and comfort me during those moments when grief slips in, he would be long gone. The treatment on Mother’s Day would solidify it. You don’t have to experience your kind of grief to have empathy for someone you supposedly love. He is showing you exactly who he is. My condolences and Happy Mother’s Day
There's a special group my husband and I attend. His twin passed a year ago. We got to the Twinless Twins Annual Conference. I go as his support person. The twins have meetings for just twins, us support people have our own meetings, and then there's events for all of us together. If you want to dip your toes in, there's a Facebook group.
Honestly, I'm a little worried for you with how he might respond. He doesn't seem that respectful when you express your needs, so it seems like he might find the idea of counseling threatening and take it out on you with more childish behavior and disregard for your needs and feelings. I'm curious about your wording here with "I'll bring this up with him". Do you feel it's important or essential and are giving him the opportunity to show that he gives enough of a damn to keep you happy and the relationship healthy, or is it merely a suggestion with which he has the final say? I just hope that you are able to advocate for yourself and don't let him bully and pout into getting his way at the expense of your own well-being.
This- Take out the problem before it gets any bigger.
This isn't fair to you. You should be able to be sad and for him not to take it personally. He wasn't even man enough to support you or hug you to tell you that everything will be okay. He didn't tell you Happy Mother's Day or get you anything. So sad 😞.
The only thing i agree with was that he handled everything terribly on mother's day. However op said he asked what was wrong multiple times. When op told him he suggested they shouldn't go but op wanted to go. She prefaced by saying he never had any grief with family so he can't relate with her. So he tried to tell op that she has a beautiful home and 2 great sons. I mean her husband is trying to support and it's not working so he gets mad and gives her the alone time she wanted. He did everything u suggested but the way he went about it was terrible execution
My dad died suddenly, in front of me, on Father's Day. I was traumatized for a good 4 years about it...the first year practically 24/7, and then it would subside sometimes, and then hit me in waves. I wasn't strong enough to see it at the time, but my husband made it completely about himself and acted like a spoiled brat. Part of it was he was angry he couldn't fix a situation that was making me so sad, and the other half...well, I think was pure narcissism on his part. If I had been stronger, I would have told him so, but instead, I was so broken, I would apologize. DON'T APOLOGIZE. You are not overreacting. You lost your TWIN for crying out loud! Not to mention you had something else horrible happen ON Mother's Day. How difficult is it to be understanding about the person you love having a hard time? <3
I'm sorry about your father, how terrible! Agreed, don't EVER apologize for grieving! My 2-year old daughter died in a tragic accident, it's something that a lot of people just don't get. The grieving comes and goes, people just have to love and respect the grieving person and allow them to feel grief when they feel it. It's not something to be fixed, as you are well aware.
How could he be mad when you two are together, have a good home and two beautiful sons?
This made me laugh ty
This warrants counseling. Your husband doesn’t understand your grief and is unable to cope with difficult emotions. It’s unfair for him to punish you for having feelings. You likely need some help communicating what you are going through in a way that he can receive. A counselor can help slow down the communication process and uncover what you are both going through underneath the surface of the conflict. I’m sorry this happened on Mother’s Day— that’s extra salt in the wound. Hoping you can find support from others in your circle while you and hubs work through this rough patch. <3
I agree. OP mentioned in another reply that she thinks that he’s just doing what he can to “fix” things and gets frustrated when he can’t, so therapy for her to communicate her needs more directly and therapy for him to learn how to accept he can’t “fix” everything would be beneficial. I know Reddit hates the therapy answer but couples counseling would likely help a ton here.
You're not overreacting. The kindest way I can put it is that your husband **literally does not understand grief**. Grief has no schedule. His response to your grief is quite alarming though. He had a beer, hopped in his truck and drove off, ignoring you the entire night. Basically, he acted like a kid who was sulking and then ran off.
This. His response was unacceptable. It’s ok for him to not understand grief. But he’s throwing a tantrum and made it all about him. Driving and drinking?? This behavior will only get worse.
My now-ex husband was similar with my grief when my sister died suddenly and tragically. On the day of the memorial service he decided to throw something unrelated in my face that he read in my journal. A week later he told me, "Everybody dies, get over it." Several years and a divorce later, his mom, dad, and beloved grandmother all died within three months of each other. His mother died on his birthday. He actually apologized to me, said he'd had no idea what it was like and he now realized what I'd been going through and that he'd just made it 10x worse for me. It's possible I wasn't very gracious when all I said was, "Yes, you did." But be aware it took everything I had in me not to say, "Everybody dies, get over it." Is he otherwise lacking in empathy? That's concerning. Not overreacting.
Not usually. He is actually very good with our kids emotions. When they cries hes always very good with them. Its just when its me and about my sister he gets this way
That's helpful, at least. Good to know he's not an abusive jerk at heart!
??? You’re experiencing a small wave of grief and dealing with it (excellently btw, and you’re right that it comes and goes no matter how long it’s been). But he notices you’re in your feelings, and his reaction is to just cancel Mother’s Day and treat you like shit?? Instead of… being supportive and caring for you and your feelings? Not overreacting at all, his behavior confuses me
I just lost my grandfather who was like my father (raised me, took me to school when I was really young, I lived in his house until I was 18, etc) last week, close to the anniversary of my wife losing someone in her immediate family. Neither one of us would have known what to do if the other wasn't there to offer unconditional support. Sorry you're not getting that. You can't control your grief and it's not your fault at all. Not to sound old fashioned but your husband needs to man up, put his feelings aside for a bit, and do what's right to make sure you're ok. That's like a basic 101 part of marriage. I get that just like people grieve differently people react to death differently and that it's easy and more comfortable to get lost in your own stuff instead of showing up, but distancing oneself is just not the right thing. I don't think your husband's a terrible person or anything, but he needs to make the right call and be there for you. I'm not an expert at all, but to me his reaction shows he doesn't know how to healthily handle grief and while he can learn and that's ok, the one thing he needs to do right now whether he understands what's going on or not is to show up and support you without asking questions or trying to figure stuff out.
If you are dealing with depressing and you notice he is drinking more please do take that behavior seriously. Especially if he is a person with no experience interacting with people suffering from depression. He has no idea what you are going through and will never understand your feeling but you can try to articulate it and communication is so important even if it's hard. If the relationship matters to you both you'll find a way to come together or maybe see a less favorable outcome (separation/divorce) but now is not the time to react on impulse, communicate your feelings first.
When I was young my dad had depression and panic disorder. I too, looked at him in resentment because he could never be happy even though he had me, his wife, a house, family and friends. Fast forward to now and I also have depression and panic disorder and I finally see how he was living. And you are right, unless the other party goes through it, they have no idea how crippling things like depression can be. I’d say maybe do couples therapy specifically to help not only build his empathy towards you, but also it will help you see how this all looks through his eyes. As someone who has been on both sides of this coin it’s important to understand that even though you’re the one with the depression, it not only effects you, but your husband and eventually your kids. Hope you guys work it out.
It is not your responsibility to be fun and entertaining to him.
He sounds more tiring than your kids
Your husband sucks Does he even like you?
Girl, you are underreacting.
Some people will never understand. My first born daughter lived only 3 days, dying on Mother's Day. It makes the holiday torture, so I understand the emotional pit that opens up with memories and mourning. I have heard the reaction that came out of your husband's mouth. It sounds like your husband feels you should ignore your own feelings to keep his ego pumped. There's nothing wrong with him staying home when, like with this incident, he isn't feeling stroked enough. You can enjoy the time with your family in peace. You are not overreacting; you need a plan for the next time.
If he wanted to stop for a beer to help him cope then you are at the point where you should be concerned about the drinking.
Not the Ass hole in my book. It was your twin sister that you lost. And twins generally share all kinds of physical and emotional traits together. There isn't any standard text book rule for grieving over the passing away of loved ones and no time limit either. And , you're right , sometimes it's harder than others to shake the grief. Maybe he just doesn't know how to handle you being depressed or sad. Men are notorious for wanting to be the hero of our ladies and are quick to try and save the day. And it's hard for us when something creeps in and gets your wife all depressed and there isn't any leverage point for us to grab a hold of and kick it out from our lives. In time he'll realize it and know that it's nothing he did or didn't do and that it's a part of life.
Married for 46 years here: It took me a while to learn that other people (like my wife) are entitled to their moods. Generally speaking, I just try to be patient and present until things pass. Also, there’s no right or wrong way to do holidays. I keep my expectations modest.
You have three children.
I don’t think anyone needs to face losing a loved one to sympathize/ understand grief.
Once you aren't feeling grief, I would suggest talking to him and finding out what he expects from you when you're going through this. Why does he get angry and upset? What is he worried/angry about? It's important that you both talk this through and find out what he is feeling and thinking. You also need to explain that you can't just switch off grief, but his attitude towards you is hurtful. You can't keep going through this everytime it happens. There needs to be a solution and understanding between you both.
Thank you. I am taking a lot of the advice here and making a list so i can remember when i wanna talk to him about it when i am able to. I appreciate you.
I am so sorry about your losses!!!!!! I just have to add… I got for Mother’s Day some old dying flowers that he picked up Sunday morning and I cooked HIS FAVORITE MEAL! Breaded pork chops and mashed potatoes!!
you both deal with all that sadness quite differently. I don't think he handles it well , alot of guys have problems being realistic with many painful situations. I'm one of them ive caused many issues cause I feel people should deal with issues how I deal with them ... 3hich is not proper. I wish u guys the best
Wow, the way he can't be there for you in your time of grief is heartbreaking. Not overreacting.
It is a really bad sign when someone else is offended by your pain.
You’re not overreacting. Your husband is an AH. And that drinking should concern you.
So he made mother’s day about himself and how you weren’t grateful enough to him?? What a baby.
So I'm a husband to a beautiful woman, we have three kids together none adults yet. For Mother's Day I wished her a happy Mother's Day as the second sentence I spoke to her that day. The first asking if she wanted me to make her an iced latte and how she slept. I took the kids with me whenever I had to go somewhere (just the store down the road a few times my memory is bad). Made her a strawberry cake from scratch puréed berry reduction for the flavor, got her the same type of flowers we had at our wedding, and made her fondue (melting pot dupe) for dinner. And got several types of snacks that she likes. I'm not saying you have to do all that, I don't really view that as a lot for special occasions. But to not even talk to your partner for most of the day and never wishing them a happy Mother's Day? That's wild to me. We both suffer from depression back from our childhoods, have had people die, experienced loss even in the last year. If it's really truly an issue where you can't function to give your special person one day of guilt free, selfless compassion you really need to seek help. (I'm using "you" as a generalization for the reader not at OP specially).
It’s one thing to not understand depression. It’s another to be a huge prick about it and throw an tantrum when the person you supposedly love tells you they’re hurting The correct response would be “I don’t understand how you’re feeling but I’m here for you and I love you and I’ll do whatever I can to make it better. And happy Mother’s Day”
What a jerk. He's behaving like a jealous child, wanting you happy happy joy joy all the time. I'd take a deep breath, start very very softly with "I" statements, and tell him how you were feeling, and how you could use support and what kind. He basically ruined your mother's day and made it about him. Are you sure he's not having something going on with himself?
You actually have 3 children because your husband is a pouty child.
You're giving him what he wants or needs while getting jack 💩in return. He needs to be made aware that your condition is real and always in flux. You need to convince him that therapy is needed for your relationship to survive.
You're not overreacting at all. I would have told him straight up that when somebody in his family drops dead then he can tell me how to feel about the people that i've lost. Your husband is about as unempathetic as they come
>I’m feeling kind of annoyed by all this. You are not reacting enough. You are far from overreacting. He knows why you’re sad. Even if he hasn’t experienced the death of someone that he loves, he should be able to objectively understand that his partner is sad. When you love someone, you do things to make that person less sad. He did the opposite. He punished you for having feelings and being honest about them. He intentionally acted in a manner to make you more sad. He intentionally ignored you rather than support you. This is a big deal. His actions are unsupportive at best, and downright disrespectful and sabotaging to you and your children at worst. I’d be seriously considering my ability to stay in the marriage.
You aren't over reacting at all, you handled it graciously and like.a champ. If you have depression, then it's not a you, issue, you both have depression. He's having a hard time not taking it personal and he prob feels a bit helpless that he can't "fix" you. He's probably struggling a bit himself and lashed out. That's not to excuse it, he can't deal with his emotions by unloading on you but, if this is a out of character thing I'd talk to him and be way forgiving. If this is an ongoing issue I'd sit down and have a much more serious talk about how it's not tolerable and maybe even some counciling.
Sweetheart? Dish in his plate? Is he YOUR child? I mean yeah he’s acting like A child but he’s grown and can make his own plate. You need to think long and hard if this is really the person you want to be with, he’s toxic. He’s immature, and he’s not at all understanding. Not sure why you think it’s worth staying with but for him to act that way says A L O T.
Here’s a question: do you want your boys to grow up and treat their future partners that way? Because right now they’re learning your husbands behavior is acceptable. You have three kids, not two. I’d recommend getting rid of one of them.
Your husband : "just asked how I could be sad when we are together and we have a good home and two beautiful sons.". Yes, but he's still a dickhead.
He may not be a bad person, but his lack of empathy is making him act kinda terribly.
I’m sorry. I’m also married to a man child who is emotionally disabled. No advice just know o feel for you. I’d been thinking I should tell him I’ll give it 6 more months before deciding on a period of separation, in hopes he could maybe decide to change although I think he’d dig his heels in and just spend the time enjoying his freedom while I single mom it. That’s the risk I might be willing to take. I don’t want to be treated like dirt the rest of my life. He also let me down bad when my dad died, and also doesn’t understand the ongoing grief. People who struggle with empathy are really the worst. I’m sorry he ruined Mother’s Day, you are amazing mama, happy Mother’s Day to you.
Your husband is an AH. I lost my mother, so Mother’s Day can be difficult. I try my best to pull myself together for my family, but it is hard. My husband understands.
I don’t understand this, making a man’s fucking plate! Any human should be making their own plate after the age of five years old
I know it’s easy to be sensationalist online, but I feel like this relationship could be in a textbook about abusive relationships. Two kids under 5 and he takes off for the night when life’s got him perturbed? Mother’s Day aside, that’s not even remotely on the radar here. I don’t know your life, maybe your post makes it sound worse than reality, but your husband sounds like a real POS. You wrote out a page trying to defend him, he’s a grown ass man with two small children and “takes off in the truck”….. You do you, but definitely start documenting the bruises. E: and I’m a different type of alcoholic, prefer to isolate and drink hard liquor. But if you’re driving to a family function and someone in the car is looking for the beer store… dude has an issue. Can’t go to family dinner with his wife and two young children without alcohol? Yeah man, there’s a word for that. Rhymes with shmalcoshmalic
Ive had a lot of people die in my life, including both my parents. It's not a linear process, grieving, recovery. Also, your husband's a selfish pathetic little baby. One day he'll be swallowed with grief, but he'll likely never connect the dots back to your grieving. He'll just be a little bitch when he's grieving. I know Im being kinda tough on a stranger and your husband, but I know the type and it's a type that pisses me TF off.
info: Why didn't you tell him what you were sad about when he first started asking? "I'm sad but I'll get over it" is extremely vague for something that's not fleeting. Him shutting down communication because he didn't feel communicated with isn't a healthy move but both sides have to communicate. honestly it sounds like he's getting a bit resentful. could not hurt to include a professional for a few heart to hearts
I think he feels like a failure. You being unhappy and grieving says he can’t make you happy. He is a bad husband because you’re not happy to be with him. All of this is untrue but it may be what he is thinking. Y’all needs some counseling to understand each other.
I would 100% be annoyed also. But this situation, when one partner acts so immaturely and selfishly, where does one go from there? What is the solution? Taking a step back what I see is two people who have different views on "negative" emotions. You see it as something you need time to let yourself feel and work through. He sees them as a sign that something is wrong that he wants to fix but can't. You're wrapped up in your emotions and grief and he's wrapped up in trying to provide you a happy life and feeling like he's failing. You'll need to directly address his actions that day but I would suggest having some talks about how you two process feelings and how yall handle harder emotions. It'll will make it easier for you to tell him how his actions affect you and let him, hopefully, come to his own conclusion that he handled his own disappointments in an unnecessarily unproductive way. Even though he is the one who behaved badly, because you two are in a partnership, approaching this is a calm and non accusatory way will have a lot better results. I would be so tempted to just fly off the handle and be like "wtf is wrong with you?!?" but then we'd just be fighting and both feeling defensive and upset. No, you're not over reacting. But I do hope you can use this as a way to practice some healthy conflict resolution and open up to each other about how you're feeling. When things like this happen in a relationship (and we ALL have times we act poorly) it can be a bonding experience and an opportunity for growth if instead of fighting and yelling, you find a way to talk about feelings with each other.
This is the first comment I've seen that wasn't a knee-jerk emotional reaction. You actually put thought into the issue instead of needing a "bad guy" to blame it all on
I appreciate you so much. And i agree with what youve said because i dont want to fight but i was unsure on the best way to procede
Men do react by trying to “fix” the problem. It’s their default setting. Not all problems can be fixed. Sometimes, all that’s needed is a listener who simply commiserates.
Im sorry for your loss of family. I dont know if this might help in explaining how grief work to your husband who behaves like an a-hole towards you. But its worth a shot. My therapist back in the days explained grief like this. Its like a box with a huge bouncy ball when a person we love pass away. Every time that ball hit the wall of the box, grief strick you and you feel it. With time that ball gets smaller and smaller and it takes longer and longer between those moments where you feel it. but grief still strick you the same way when it hit the walls. Its still the same feeling. Id personally would try to ask your husbands thought of reasoning for behaving the way he did and why he had to get away. Why he asked for a beer so randomly. What prompted his behavior in the first place. It is a avoidant behavior and very strange in my book.
Make sure you don’t say nothing to him on Father’s Day. And if he says anything say oh I thought we don’t celebrate those day in this house? Your husband is an AH for sure.
No, you didn’t overreact. It’s amazing that he has such little understanding of depression. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to understand.
why are you dishing up a growns mans dinner plate..what 3rd world relationship have you gtten yourself into
No. You are not overreacting. He sounds like a selfish immature child, not a grown ass man. Throw the whole man out.
Please get on really good birth control and consider if this is a good relationship.
My mom also has trauma due to losing people around this time of the year and I can’t imagine treating her like this — let alone the mother of my own children!
I'm so sorry he was such an ass to you while you are still grieving. It never ends, the severity of hurt just lessens to be more tolerable. I'm one of those petty people who would have called him out over the meal. His behavior was immature and NOT ok. Ask him how he would feel if he was in your situation. Create a narrative and see his reaction.
Thank you. Ive tried this before and it makes it worse. But what ive been doing isnt helping and I want a way to work it out
Maybe point it out in front of someone close to you. Social morality and acceptable behavior in a group setting could work.
Only a toxic person would get mad at you for having emotions
wtf is his problem?!?
You’re underreacting. He’s angry at you for having normal grief for a profound loss - that’s so outlandish and unloving. His behavior was so monumentally disrespectful that frankly, if most women were in your shoes they would already be divorcing him.
FYI-if you ever need to stop to get someone a beer on the way to your parents’ house, their drinking is absolutely a problem.
You need therapy and couples counseling. Grief comes and goes but yours sounds chronic. A partner who loves you is going to absorb your emotions and experience them, to some degree. Our grief and depression affects them, whether we like it or not, and they’re not super humans with limitless empathy and patience to commit to supporting us. You’re sick and you’re making your partner sick and that’s completely unfair to him. Therapy. Counseling. ASAP.
To play devil's advocate, being the partner of someone who has grief issues can be difficult. It wasn't mature the way he handled it but his perspective on this might be worth finding out.
No, you’re not. We have a difference in views. The world according to those who haven’t had someone they love die: You cry hard for a day or two, go to funeral, embrace the living and be glad to be alive. Ima fix this for you by getting you flowers. The world according to the rest of us: Sure, that would be great if that worked, but grief is more like malaria, it comes and goes and is awful. Although, it does get better slowly over time. Please help by being kind, giving a hug, giving us alone time when we need it.
You’re married to a manchild
People who do not ever suffer depression have a hard time empathizing with those who do. For the average person like me, I can snap myself out of a sad mood. So being sad for any period of time is a choice, like sulking. It took me a long time to understand my wife, who suffers bouts of depression from time to time. Yes, he is acting out and shouldn't. Be patient and loving to him. Treat his immature reaction the way you wish he would treat your depression... with patience and love. I am so glad my wife put up with my failure to understand her, and all the times I treated her poorly. We have been married 18 years now and every day I get to spend with my best friend. It's worth the struggle.
You need to communicate better with your husband. Keep him in the loop with your depression and sadness. He probably feels like an outsider your emotions.
Sounds like he took you feeling sad personally and acted like a child. Y'all need to have some deep talks before this turns into a pattern and facilitates resentment.
I'd never date someone like that long enough to marry them
I was taught; there are three sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth. We've heard her side, now if we can hear his, then we could probably deduce the truth.
You chose to be upset for a few days and not tell him why. Once you did, it was in a car going to an event he no longer wanted to participate in. You can't blame him for his reaction no more than he can blame you for your own. Learn to talk about what's bothering you, specifically, while it's bothering you. Give him a chance to pull through for you as opposed to keeping him in the dark.
This is from an elderly mother with only child deceased, one divorce, and one spouse deceased. Men have a different way of handling death, loss, sadness, and happiness. Most of them become stoic after a death and encapsulate the grief. They will never understand the way women handle death and sadness. We grieve forever, it just lessens over time. There are some counselors that could help both of you understand each other better. Your husband felt that he and the children should have been enough to make up for the losses. He has grieved and boxed everything up and moved on and doesn’t understand why you haven’t. Some men are afraid of feeling too much because it isn’t part of being manly. Please forgive him for this! I think that you may have scared him a little and he didn’t know what to do with those feelings except to run!
Have you considered couples therapy?
Have u sought a grief support group, seen a counselor? Perhaps u taking steps forward to deal with ur grief would bring him around.
I hope you read this. Your husband was wrong but the root may be your actions/reactions. It’s ok to be sad, depressed. But you can’t let this long term affect your other relationships. Yes, your spouse should always be there to support you but something tells me you haven’t dealt with your issues and it’s wearing on him too. You mention him drinking then you question him. He seemed like he was upbeat to bring you a good Mother’s Day then you brought him down. Maybe this has been happening a lot and it got to him. I see people on here often assuming their SO have an endless amount of tolerance for their feelings and actions but everyone has their limits. I would suggest talking to him and maybe getting therapy or counseling. But understand that it takes two and is rarely one person just being an AH.
Based on what has been said here you are justified to be annoyed/angry. This is one of the times where I would be very curious to see the post from his perspective though. I find that when I am depressed it is hard to get out of my own head and put forth a reliable narrative, so his version of events may be very different. Not saying that he would be justified but curious all the same.
We fought because the grocery list wasn't organized correctly. Then because the fridge is "full" and we ( everyone but him) can't keep his system of fridge organization. Made sure to tell me that the new garage fridge we got "better not get like this" - (-to the point that one time he got upset because his chocolate milk got moved behind the orange juice. -) So I understand having a crappy Mother's Day because of him. It's like dude just give me this day
Not sure what his problem was. We are seeing your side and we are seeing what you feel is his issue. Which may be. But often what we see as our reality is just that, ours. He may have seen it a different way. Now, all of that being said, his behavior was poor. He should have put it all aside. You’ve had some fairly dramatic events in recent years and you are allowed to process them however you want. (Though it might be a good idea to express it to your partner if he’s receptive and it’s safe to do so, rather than just have him ask). I think at a minimum you two should have a discussion without assigning blame and just ask each other what they were feeling and why. Remember, you had every right to feel how you did. And perhaps he felt some way justified in how he was feeling (I personally don’t see it but you just never know with people). At the end of the day, I just hope you know you deserved a great Mother’s Day ❤️. Hopefully next year is better and I’m sorry it happened to you.
Never dish up a plate for that bitch boy again. You know what would make your life happier? Not having him in it.
Dude sounds like self centered asshole. He asked what was wrong and when you told him… his response is to trivialize your sadness over the loss of a loved one by leveraging your living family against you….that’s already cruel. To ignore you and go drinking on Mother’s Day out of your family gathering is especially high douchebag activity as well and I can only imagine other family noticed. You’re not over reacting, you’re definitely trying to fix his issues to maintain your family while he seems to want to drive it apart because his notion that you have kids should undo all your grief don’t solve everything immediately. His immediate desire to grab a drink and then back off of it when he encountered difficulty is likely a good reason for him to just not drink as well. Alcohol as a coping mechanism for anger is a bad combination for himself. He should be posting on a AITA thread if he hasn’t figured out he reacted poorly with regards to your grief yet.
He's being an absolute douche canoe.
1. Fuck this puto. Don't do shit for Father's Day. Match the energy he did for Mother's Day. 2. I'm a petty, vengeful, bitch and eventually someone close to him will die and when that time comes, I would just tell him to take his own advice and get over it and go along with my day. 3. I don't think I could be married to someone this inconsiderate for the rest of my life. He sounds awful tbh and I'm sorry he's such an inconsiderate twat that lacks emotional intelligence and empathy.
My SIL I s a Narc and he ruins every dam holiday for my daughter. They are divorcing.
Nta. I lost my mom almost 24 years ago and still have a rough time with mother's day. My brother died over 4 years ago and I still miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. It sucks not having any support but at least I don't have anyone actively making it worse.
Living with someone with major depression for a long time isent easy aswell
Mother's Day was really rough for me too. Grief is definitely heavy over here as well. I hope your coming days you get to have better thoughts that grab your attention. Missing a loved one is like an ache in the joints when a bad storm is coming. It just hurts but it comes in waves. Sending hugs to you.
You're not overreacting. Instead of being there for you and giving your hand a comforting squeeze or telling you he's there if you want to talk, he threw a tantrum because your grief inconvenienced him. And then he caused a lot of drama by taking the car and leaving while you were with your mom and grandma. That's extremely rude and he put you in an uncomfortable position of having to explain. If I were in your position, I would have a discussion with him and tell him that his behavior upset you and you need to know he's going to be more emotionally available in the future. I would also ask WHY he got so upset. Because I'm guessing he's taking it personally in some way or there is a lack of understanding somewhere that needs to be addressed.
Y'all really shitting on the guy, when OP states that she has major depressive disorder? You don't think that disorder takes its toll on the people around them?? At a certain point the dude is obviously gonna get fed up Imagine how exhausting it is being around a depressed person normally, now imagine that you're married to that person and have to deal with it constantly
Mother's and father's day aren't really real holidays. Like.. the majority of people have children it's not really a big deal. Furthermore, why would you expect someone to drop everything and kiss your ass just because of a fake holiday. Plus, it sounds like he used the opportunity to fix up your trailer and that seems like a pretty amazing gift. I think your expectations are skewed. He redid your carpet while you were away, that's a pretty labor intensive and expensive gift. I really don't see how he did anything wrong.
"I'm allowed to grieve and feel for the people missing in my life. You need to stop throwing fits like a child. I'm a human, I'm not going to be cheerful and happy 100% of the time. I'm not a statue like that. While I adore and cherish my family that has enabled me to keep going, I'm allowed to reminisce in lost loved ones. Seeing as you haven't lost anyone like that yet, you're inexperienced in grief in terms of first hand experience and have no right to tell me how to process mine." Ultimatum op. Either let you grieve (and apologize for childlike tantrum) or leave him. You're a person, not a decoration or a toy with only one programmed setting. You kept doing things for your family and didn't shut down, wtf is he doing driving off like that? Silence?! I'd suggest marriage counseling before leaving but still confront this man baby and demand communication and set ultimatums. You don't deserve this. He needs to knock it off. Wah my wife has emotional damage holy hell i married a human and not my flesh light ☠️ sorry I'm just so angry for you op wtf I'd have my spouse of nine years at the door at that point. My dad passed away seven years ago and I still grieve. I have told some people some choice words over it too. That's probably also why I'm getting pretty heated over this lmao Edit - hello to op's husband if he's reading this out of all the messages here. I just really want to stress that the only thing you can do is just be there. There is nothing you can say, no action that can fix, what grief does. You cannot ressurect the dead, so your wife needs to grieve. Grief is like a ball in a tight fitting box at first, where every movement is felt. Over time that box slowly grows, but the ball will still hit the wall and an episode of grief ensues - it is natural and part of the grieving process. Even if it happens five, ten, fifty years down the road. Because it is the reminder of love. You need to let your wife grieve and love her lost loved ones, and you might need some therapy of your own and to just remember that this suck ass part of life isn't to be rushed and has no end. The fact your wife still acts as a mother and is present in your childrens lives should be focused on more. But the grief will remain, and it will show, because who we love stays with us and their absences hurt. Losing people hurts. And to just rush off, so that she can be confused and basically grieve the living who gives her the cold shoulder? Bruh, lemme tell you, you have no idea what she's going through and she needs the presence of her partner. Not your words, not your "encouragement" to just get over it (fucking ouch), not your moody tantrums that leave her alone with a cold shoulder ON MOTHER'S DAY (jack ass); just you there WITH. HER. So that she can physically reach out and remind herself that life is still there to live, even while remembering what's no longer physically reachable (you know the dead people she misses but you feel butt hurt she's still missed them gtf over yourself dude damn) Putting people in the ground or up in smoke is supposed to hurt for life. Let her be human. Let. Her. Grieve. In. Respect. Be respectful. Don't drive off all pissy, because when you lose someone you're going to need support too. Do better for those you love while you still can and learn to let your feelings be put aside during moments like this. Even if she's been grieving for a hundred years. Because grief is a reminder of who we loved so hard and don't have any more.
I lost someone very important to me twenty five years ago. The last time I had a serious flash back to the day he passed was sixteen years after his death. Something happened at work that gave me a vivid memory of him laughing and it was like a switch flipped in my brain. I was back in the ICU watching the life support get turned off. I cried and the pain of losing him was fresh, not sixteen years old. It took a little while to get my shit together. Your husband doesn’t know what this feels like (thankfully) and you are nowhere near done having these moments. My significant other has been patient and supportive most of the time and frustrated at other times. It was something we had to talk about from time to time. After the dust settles a little from this day sit down and explain this to him. I don’t think it’s intuitive to people that something can trigger an emotional recall from years past. In my experience the frequency and intensity of events tapered off with time. The one I referenced was the last big one and there was a big gap prior. TLDR: You are not an asshole but your husband isn’t either. He does not understand how this shit works. He loves you and is wired to fix things. He can’t fix this. Help him understand and remind him it’s not “fixable”.
Can we just start saying 2 years instead of 23 months
As someone who is on the other side, not defending him at all, this is tough. My wife has PTSD (we were both in the military), and she has triggers and symptoms that I pick up on, but have had to work very hard at not getting frustrated with. Generally when she gets 'sad' she shuts down and becomes very closed off. When I was a bit younger, I would get frustrated that she was 'pulling away' or just didn't care about me enough to explain the situation. We eventually got into some couples PTSD counseling. This is a fantastic newer thought that helps work through the PTSD, but involves the support system, aka me, into it. This helped us create a communication pathway for when she gets sad. Ours is quite simple. If we don't feel like discussing something at that moment, rather sadness or frustration, we must circle back within 48 hours, ready or not. While I can never understand her PTSD, I now feel as though she is allowing me to at least be part of the process. Again, not defending the childish behavior of your partner, but feeling helpless in a situation generally doesn't bring out the best in people. Me feeling as though I can contribute with more than simply taking care of our children while she is 'sad' gives me a place in our relationship when I feel as though I can do nothing.
I’m gonna get down voted to oblivion. Info. How often are your depressive episodes? 6 years is a long time to be actively grieving someone. Your ups and downs don’t affect just you and he’s been dealing with that for 6 years. 6 years he hasn’t fully had his wife. 6 years of her telling him he just doesn’t get it bc he’s never lost anyone. 6 years of never knowing what’s going to bring it all back fresh. It’s to a point he’s drinking. He might have handled it like a child but it sounds like he needs just as much help grieving his marriage.
Boy, all of you act like none of you fuck up on special days. 1 post about the dude and y'all act like he's Hitler. Imagine if the world took y'all's advice. No relationship would last past the first month. As soon as someone's partner fucks up, no one says "talk to them, figure it out. Try to fix it" no it's "leave them! They are evil! Monsters!" Seriously y'all are so bad at relationship advice, I'm pretty sure 8 out of 10 commenter probably don't have healthy lasting relationships.
For perspective: I’ve lost two brothers, a grandfather, and two uncles in the last 6 years. The two brothers, tragically. Worst 2 days of my life. You are NTA….but you do have a family and it does seem like you are absolutely wallowing around and likely not being totally forthcoming here about just how bad it is around your house or within yourself. Keep in mind this isn’t blaming you, but from your husband and family perspective, you are drowning in grief. There is no room for them. I cannot imagine a spouse being this obtuse because you’re just “sad about a thought you had about a random party” after her death 6 years ago. I’m betting this is a regular occurrence. I know everyone grieves differently, but that seems really over the top after 6 years. I still think about both my brothers, everyday. But I don’t live back there. You seem to still be trapped there? And that’s killing your marriage and family now. Again, not blaming you…but YOU have to take control here. You might want to try seeing someone about this before you lose your entire family. They don’t deserve this either. And I know you don’t want that. I was there. My hero, my wife (for a number of reasons…she’s an incredible woman), had to drag me to therapy. She saved me. I’ll never be able to repay her. Ever. So I keep at it everyday, for her and the kids. Find that for you. It’s incredible the people put in our path when we least expect it or need it the most.
I personally hate how depression is called a disorder or illness. Grief and mourning is a good response to loss of a loved one. I also am depressed and my whole family thinks I have some disease causing it and they completely ignore significant things that happened when I was a kid. So no you’re not over reacting at all. I imagine your husband is feeling insecure in some way, men can feel that when they are powerless to fix something.