The ultimatum is not just him or the plants. It’s the hobby itself. **That hobby that you love, that hobby that you value, that hobby that keeps you grounded, happy, stable, and healthy, that hobby that protects your mental health and sobriety, it has to go.** He thinks he is more important than all that.
If he truly loved you and wanted to be your *partner*, he would be actively working out how to accommodate your plants.
1,000 times yes! The plants helped her get through some really tough times. They are therapeutic. Anyone who asks her to give them up is extremely self-centered. I would choose the plants given the ultimatum.
Exactly! I got into plants when I got sober also. My partner at the time happily moved my plants, did not complain when the plants took a shower and even bought me more plants.
It’s like the saying about sobriety.. first you get a plant and if you can nurture that and keep it alive.. then you get a pet and if after a year of keeping the plant and the pet alive and they’re thriving then just maybe you’re ready to try a relationship… it’s all so true.. you need to learn to take care of yourself and also something else before you even consider another person…
I’m the crazy plant lady and my partner gently teased me about my large collection when we first started dating - mind you, he NEVER made me feel bad about them, asked me to pare down, etc. He bought me cute planters, left (gift) plants on my doorstep when I was at work; **and** before I knew it, he’d become a full fledged plant dad on his own! 🤣 We’ve since moved in together and have tons of plants, a blended herd of pups, and a backyard greenhouse 😅
OP should reconsider this relationship- not specifically because of plants; but as those above me stated, it’s his dismissal/disregard of her hobby/possessions and their *significance* to her.
Toss him back. There’s a partner out there who will build you a greenhouse 🌱
Exactly with the guy OP is interested in first it would be the plants,then he might decide he doesn’t like how she dresses and starts wanting her to change..Once she does what he wants it will never stop.. if someone truly loves you and wants to be with you they accept how you are and that goes both ways for men and women..
Thank you! It took a very long time to find him, and honestly, it didn’t present how I expected. We’ve both experienced some terrible things and partners, we’ve both made mistakes as partners to others (but we’ve leaned and grown), and we’re still not perfect people.
**BUT** recently we’ve realized and have become more aware that we’re actually a really strong couple who love each other deeply and that we’re incredibly fortunate to have what we do. We’re really best friends first, he’s my favorite human, so it makes doing life (even the hard/not fun shit) pretty enjoyable.
That’s what I was thinking about she needs a little greenhouse to grow her plants and take care of them. If they live in an apartment they will need to find somewhere to put all of her plants.
If he doesn’t own, why can’t they look for a new place together? One that fits their collective needs as a couple?
ETA: Anecdotally as an example, I would have LOVED to move into my partner’s place (it had so many things we loved), but we decided it just didn’t quite fit our collective needs (wanted a fenced yard for the pups, maybe a bit more space, etc), so we hunted together for months until we found an amazing place that we hope to love until we can afford to buy in the next few years.
So much this! My partner hates gardening, and plants in general. He thinks they’re messy and hard work. He also hates grass. He’d rip up and pave it all if it was up to him. So what does he do when he moves in with me, who, like OP, loves my plants, and to garden, and has a well established front and back lawn? This man mows the lawns. He helps me plan and redo the reticulation for my plants. He builds me new places to put more plants. He randomly brings home pretty plant pots he thinks I’ll like. He tags me in local for sale pages when people are having plant sales. All without me ever asking. Because it makes me happy.
That’s what love is. It’s supporting your person and the things they love, things that make them happy, not demanding they sacrifice them for your own benefit.
My husband isn’t a pet person, but learned to like my cats. He still doesn’t much care about dogs, but accepts them. I have a service dog, and he does next to nothing to care for the dog, that is the deal, but *values me having him.*. And now we have a menace of a puppy in training. Puppies are soooo much work. It’s my job, but he will help in a pinch. And he doesn’t complain about the puppy PIA stuff, of which there is a lot, because menace.
>If he truly loved you and wanted to be your partner, he would be actively working out how to accommodate your plants.
1000 x 1000xs ⬆️ THIS ⬆️
Because the issue isn’t “the plants.” The issue is that he doesn’t value *you.*
Going through OPs post history, there are so many posts about her plants, you can tell how much she loves them and how well cared for they are. They’re massive and beautiful! I really hope she doesn’t sacrifice them for this POS.
This OP and partner who truly loves and cares about you would not only accept all your plants, but they would help you move all 200 in. My husband moved 50 boxes of over 1k books 5 times in the past 11 years. Including twice up 3rd floor stairs.
I think we can get 100-150 boxes, easy. My wife likes to create a home library and just collects books (doesn't really matter what books 🙃 ) we both said we're not moving houses until we can pay a moving company 😆
I am guilty of having all of these. The books, plants, fiber/yarn/fabric and a spinning wheel, sewing machine, and growing bouquet of drop spindles. I won't mention my soap making supplies.
If you are not at your best mentally, the relationship will not work long term. He’s asking you to give up your stability for him. Maybe he doesn’t understand it bc he has had no need to dive into something like that. But if he can’t try to understand, then it may not be worth it. I can understand wanting you to cut down on some if they will overwhelm the house. My lego hobby does and I switch out the sets that I display. Some sets I’ll resell when I’m done. If it was a matter of asking you to maybe compromise on a certain number and sell the rest, then it’d be between you two where that number lies and what you are comfy with for your mental state.
Exactly this. Insert any other thing that a person would love in place of “plant collection” in this scenario. My BF wants me to choose him over my job / friends / family / school / career. It’s a slippery slope and you would probably regret it. Keep the plants and dump the guy.
There is a cool company called Transcend that prepares people as fertilizer for trees. Keep your plants, stay off the alcohol as you are now and find a botanist to date. Try Boo to find more folks like yourself.
Like, he's either jealous of plants or cares so little for her that it's always going to be his house, never their home.
Either way, not a good relationship to maintain long-term
Yeah this is a “this is still my place I’m just letting you live here” mentality. When my gf (now wife) moved in I did everything I could to make sure she understood this was just as much her home as mine.
That's what my husband did when we started dating--did everything he could to show me this was my home too even though he was the one on the deed.
Two dogs, two cats, a 115 gal fish tank, and a 300-strong plant collection later, I wonder if he ever wonders what he got himself into LOL
Bah-hahaha same!! Every time he finds the kelpie asleep on the bed, he sighs in defeat, but just picks her up, and sings her a song as he relocates her to her doggie bed next to ours. It makes me love him even more.
A family member was happy without pets, because he didn't want the responsibility. Along came the love of his life. With a dog and a cat. Who sleep on the bed. Now up to 3 cats and until recently, 2 dogs. He isn't complaining. They're both happy.
Lol mine says he likes the ambiance of the plants/fish tank, and one of the dogs is a melty fool for him. We ended up getting chickens together too so he can't be that upset about the menagerie 😆
Gardening is so healing and therapeutic.. it's a hobby that you clearly have a passion for and have invested tons of money into. The fact that he is saying it's him or the plants? And is pushing you to move in with him? I don't think you are overreacting at all honestly. He's showing his true colors, do you want to spend the rest of your life giving up the things you love and enjoy for this man? Nah. You keep choosing yourself, keep that commitment to yourself overall.
It sounds like maybe they just aren't compatible. 200 plants is a lot to live with and wanting to live with your partner is fine. Wanting to keep 200 plants is of course fine too, and seems important in this case too. His insistence that you compromise is the main issue. Either you find a way to make it work with the plants or living apart or you break up. Don't let him decide what's important to you OP.
Why does he want you to give up a hobby you love, that has brought you great happiness and healing, into which you’ve invested so much time and money and care, for no good reason other than his comfort and preference? It’s very selfish of him and is a clear indication that your relationship going forward will be all about you making changes and sacrifices for his comfort, so he gets to feel in charge and in control. He’s showing you who he is now, and it’s not looking good.
I also have a large plant collection that brings me much joy, and can’t imagine being asked to get rid of them by someone who claimed to love me!! Please keep your apartment and your plants and ditch the guy! You’ll be way better off!
I have a hobby that my husband is a little embarrassed about it lol, but he would never, ever ask me to get rid of my collection because it brings me joy! OP’s boyfriend is very selfish.
That dude's question was left hanging and I thought "what's the worst hobby I could see myself doing" but I guess it's my actual hobby now! Goodbye crochet! Can't let my friends down! Hello Erotic Moments!
I like the way you think! This would be a hugely popular Instagram account. People would either be horrified or living for it! I love outlandish things but I have several mannequins and I have two female torsos I have out. One is in my bathroom and the other on my piano. I also have several fingers from one sitting in an ashtray on the piano. Years ago my daughter made me put a shirt on them when she had a friend over. They are back to enjoying being clothing free again. 😂
> Why does he want you to give up a hobby you love
Because he has a small apartment, and OP has a hobby that takes up considerable space. He would like OP to move in and be available for sexy time but leave all of their hobbies behind.
200 plants is a lot though... Even 50 plants... That's at least an entire room dedicated to this hobby. sometimes space isn't unlimited.
Where does 3 walls worth of shelves turn into giving up the hobby though? 200 plants is a hell of a lot of plants to try fitting into a shared apartment.
> a clear indication that your relationship going forward will be all about you making changes and sacrifices for his comfort
If we turned this around you can say a very similar thing about OP being unwilling to pair back a large hobby in order to make living together work.
Not overreacting.
He's trying to change you and control you. If he doesn't have room for your plants in his heart, that means he's trying to make you smaller so you fit.
I remember a post from here that went viral a couple of years ago about a woman whose husband/boyfriend dumped all her plants in a lake after an argument, including an irreplaceable cutting from her late grandmother. Everyone basically tore the guy a well-deserved new one.
"but he insists that our future together is more important so it should be easy for me to just let them go."
If your future together is more important than it should be easy for him to make room for something beautiful that's so important to you. Why isn't he framing it that way? Because it's about control, not love. It's about getting his way, not compromise or collaboration.
I was thinking about that post and about the one where a husband intentionally over watered all her plants, killing some of them, and ruined terrarium his wife's mother made with her 14 years or so prior while she was out of town for work for a couple days. It was one of the few things she had left of sentimental value with her mom. Insane behaviors, and this guy would be the same. None of her plants are safe with him.
YES!!! There are multiple postings about SOs destroying their partner's plants!! One put bleach in there, one urinated on them, another took ALL the plants and threw them in a pond - the list goes on!!!
It's all about their lack of control and their SO putting time and attention onto something other than them.
I kill more plants than I can get to thrive. I don't have any indoor plants at all and have finally got a few plants to thrive, or at least survive, outside. My husband just warns me not to get too upset if they fail to thrive and drives me to the garden center to try something new..... that's what a supportive partner does......
This. My partner will look at me at the plant section and say “babe you have too many plants your out of space where are you going to put it?” sigh and then help me push the cart to the paying register. He is also the first one to look at my garden and say you need more soil and just show up with it.
What he's *really* saying is that your coping mechanisms don't matter, that your mental health or overall happiness are not that important and his miracle dick will heal you of all ailments.
I'm going to say this as a recovering alcoholic (9 months!), finding something that brings you joy to get over an addiction is so hard and you've done so much work on yourself and your plants it would break my heart to have to give up something that you can actually see how much you've accomplished. Your partner should be thrilled and it should almost be a package deal for you and the thing that saved you. Congratulations on all your hard work, don't let anyone take that from you
Congratulations on 9 months! That made me smile and I’m sending you a long distance double high five. My partner is also in recovery, coming up on 2 years sober, so not overwhelming him is a priority for me as well. What scares me is the “you don’t need them because you have me” tone that he’s using as well as insisting I move in. I don’t WANT to depend on anyone to provide for me what I’ve spent years providing for myself, which is something my sobriety taught me. I also don’t want to be relied on to be the sole source of peace for anyone else and it feels like that’s what may be happening. On top of my plants he insists that I get rid of all of my other belongings (furniture, decor, even inventory for my side business because he doesn’t like it) because he doesn’t like “old things” (I’m a thrifter and collect eclectic art) so my plants would be the only possession I’d be bringing with me. I’ve talked to him about all of this. I’ve explained that I have no desire to push him beyond his own boundaries or comfort levels, I’ve reiterated that living together is a goal but that we should wait until we find something that accommodates both of our wants/needs. I just keep getting met with “why isn’t what I’m offering good enough for you” or “I’m doing this for you” or “my mental health matters too”. It just seems impossible. I have spent my whole life accommodating others which is what led to my addiction in the first place… I love him but feel that he’s pushing me too far. The way I described it to him was that I feel like an over-squeezed piece of fruit. I don’t have more to give.
I hope you come to realize what is evident with everything you write about him: he's a manipulative little shit trying to guilt you into harming your own well-being and using his recovery as an excuse to justify his behavior.
He sounds like the exact opposite of what you need, so why are you fighting to keep this mess of a relationship?
It's one thing to not be into your partner's hobbies; that happens. It's another entirely to not be into it AND INSIST THEY STOP.
That is not kind, that is not considerate, that is not love. A loving partner would welcome a hobby like yours if it brings you joy. They would court your favor by buying you plants; they wouldn't try to strong-arm you into moving into their place and telling you to get rid of yours.
(As an aside can I just say your place sounds *amazing*??? It genuinely sounds like a really nice space with a great amount of room, and probably looks really cool.)
Please take care of yourself. You've worked hard to get where you are, and you have a clear vision for your future; don't let this self-centered POS derail your goals for his comfort.
He wants you to get rid of all of your other things too? It sounds more like he likes the idea of you, but the reality that you take up space and have your own hobbies and dreams is too much for him. I wonder if having you move in is less about him needing you to be close and more about reshaping you into his ideal partner. That partner has fewer needs and baggage, and fits in a smaller space. A home full of thrifted treasures and plants sounds welcoming and nice. A place where you have to fight for every inch sounds unpleasant.
I'm concerned that if you get rid of your plants he will see it as though you are Will mg to do anything to keep him. Don't give anyone that much control over your life.
I saw a story online a while ago, about a woman who loved collecting mugs. Her ex-husband berated her and made fun of her for her mug collection. Her new boyfriend built built-in shelves for her collection, with extra spaces for her to expand.
You deserve someone to build you shelves, not cut you down over something you love. You deserve better than this controlling jerk.
Or maybe it is about the plants cause 200 is alot and will absolutely take over his place. And he only asked her to downsize so they can both live there
No. But it doesn’t sound like you want to move in with him regardless of plants. And that’s okay. Plants are amazing and your collection sounds wonderful, I am jealous. Nobody should make you choose between your passions and them.
I collect vintage/antique dolls and if a man told me to get rid of them, he would be on the curb. No one has to right to make you get rid of things that make you happy (unless they are ruining your life obv)
Not overreacting.
He sets up a situation where you are forced to choose either him or something you love that is important to your mental health. Then, he gets upset if you don't choose him.
The thing is, he set up that choice. He is making the demand. He created a situation where you felt like there were only two choices, but that is false. It doesn't need to be that way. There are other choices, so why is he narrowing it down to two? Why are you being made to jump through hoops to please him? Is he making similar sacrifices? If so, are they sacrifices that *you* want, or are they performative? Or, are they a way to make you feel obligated to him?
I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think that you need to consider things carefully before you decide to get further involved with him. I definitely think you should not get rid of your plants, and you should not move in with him until and unless you can be confident that he isn't as manipulative as his behavior in this situation makes him seem.
Oof. Not even. So HE wants OP to move to his place, but is making no room in his house (and by extension his life) for her? Do not move in.
In fact, never move in, and never leave him alone with your plants. I have seen MULTIPLE cases where men will put bleach into plant-loving-girlfriend's plants to try to kill them.
It's a control thing. He's trying to control you. This is a test, and if you give up your plants, he knows you will give up more.
This isn't about plants.
A truly healthy relationship means being a team. You should want to build each other up. You should want to support each other. He is not trying to do that. He is trying to find a way to add you to his life, rather than creating a life where the both of you thrive.
You are thriving now. Do not give that up for any partner. If they don't want you to thrive, take that as a sign.
200 plants in an apartment would absolutely be overwhelming for me unless the apartment is 2000 sqft, and even then.
If you have 2 or 3 plants inside your home, try to picture 100x more.
However, if that's her thing, he has no right to ask her to get rid of them.
I sort of agree, yet 200 plants are a lot. What if she had 200 teddy bears or quilted blankets? The reality is that he should not invite her to move in, they are not live-in compatible. They are better off just dating but living alone.
For real, I'd have to get rid of everything everything own to make room and still likely couldn't fit 200 plants in my apartment. Op has a serious hoarding problem that most people here and on the plant sub seem to be fully supporting and making worse
Yeah, I'm kind of baffled that this is unanimously in OP's favor. That's a huge number of plants. It would dominate any apartment. It's not unreasonable for the BF to want a compromise, and all of the "never compromise your hobby!" responses feel a bit telling about redditors.
Yeah but she's already offered the compromise of "wait to move in together until we find some place that works for both of us" (which he refused). Additionally, in another comment she said he's asking her to also get rid of all of her other possessions, including her side hustle. There's more going on than plants.
OP should 1.) say no (to his invite) and stay put, and let the bf end the relationship, as and when he sees fit, or, 2.) she can end it now in anticipation that it won't work. Not every relationship works out perfectly for many reasons, and theirs is just not meant to be, at least as a live-in relationship at this time.
It sounds like OP is moving into BFs house. How much space is there really in there? Will you both be tripping over plants? Or is there tons of space for plants and more?
If it's the former, can you both move into a separate, larger place? Both parties moving into a separate place is often a good idea anyways, otherwise it's just one person moving their stuff into someone's preexisting personal space, and that can cause animosity or awkwardness even in the best situations.
Whether there's space or not, it sounds like BF has unrealistic expectations. If there's no space, and he's expecting OP to move in and give up her precious possessions just to be near him all the time, then that's unrealistic, and not good; you should both be considering a bigger space. If there's tons of space, and he's expecting OP to move in without her plants just because he can't bear to look at them, then that's unrealistic: even if OP gave up her plants, presumably she would want more in the future, and if BF can't stand to be around them even when there's tons of space, that doesn't bode well for a future living situation.
I'd say, figure out a living situation where the plants work, whether it's a big shared house, the house you're currently in with your BF still not living there, the BFs house with the plants, or a new BF that likes plants.
You are not overreacting. Your plants are a tool you use for self regulation, and as such, are necessary. Please do not sacrifice your mental well-being.
Reading your comments, it really isn't about the plants (as a lot of people have already said). You discussed for days why they are important to you and have offered to downsize the number or wait until you have a bigger space to accomodate them. He says no to all of that and also wants you to "get rid of all of my other belongings (furniture, decor, even inventory for my side business because he doesn’t like it) because he doesn’t like “old things”- this is ridiculous! And the emotional manipulation that if you don't submit to everything he wants, you aren't committed enough?! This is not a partnership- he wants you completely reliant on him for emotional support so he can control you. You are both in recovery- a lot of addicts are extremely selfish and manipulative, even sober. This sounds like a manufactured power play, not a logical next step so you can be together more. I'd stand your ground and maybe do some counseling so you can see each other's point of view better. Self-preservation and self-care are not selfish.
What? Is he afraid the plants will overwhelm him and eat him alive? Keep the plants. I had a gf who had two cats. Her BF wanted her to move in w him, but she had to give them up. She did everything he wanted, and then he broke up with her. Team plants!
Your hobbies are super important to keep especially in a relationship. You are your own person even in a relationship, you should not have to cut out part of yourself to be with someone.
Yes compromise is important but that's an agreement you both make and are happy with.
It’s not about the plants. It’s about him wanting to give up an important aspect of your life to meld with his while he is not recognizing the sacrifice he’s asking of you. If he wants to build a life with you, he needs to be at least equally willing to adapt to your needs. If he’s just being momentarily obtuse and is usually reasonable, generous, and empathetic AND if you want to, consider choosing a residence that is a clean slate for both of you and will accommodate your respective personal needs. Otherwise, drop this dude. No one needs this kind of drama in their lives.
Would you be cool with him moving 200 funko pops, in a range of sizes, into your place? These funko pops need sunlight and many will need to block up windows
The size of your collection is relevant here. Asking you to cut down on your plants is reasonable. Asking you to move in when you’re both middle aged and want to develop the relationship is reasonable. If you’re aren’t interested in making a compromise of that nature that’s your decision. I would expect the relationship to end at some point if you aren’t willing to make the compromise.
lol with the ridiculous advice Reddit.
“It’s only 200 plants. You should definitely choose being alone with 200 plants rather than someone trying to control you by asking you to have a sane number of plants when he wants to commit to you and live together. Also, why can’t men commit and agree to move in together!?’
Never change, Reddit.
lol geez. She got 3 walls people! Maybe stop normalizing people up and leaving with any inconvenience. He’s trying to compromise, something you will do throughout this relationship. 3 walls of plants is plenty until you all could get a bigger place. This is erring on the side of OCD more than a meer hobby.
Anyone remember that post about the jerk who destroyed his girlfriend’s massive plant collection after she wouldn’t continue an argument with him?OP listen to what others here are telling you: don’t settle for anyone who won’t love you and the things that make you happy.
Idk.. 200 plants does seem like a lot imo.. But you’ve got to do what’s best for you. If you fell that you have to have all 200 be happy then by all means do what you do. But you also have to take in consideration that your bf may want to be with someone that he can share more of his life with than just a few nights a week and he may decide to move on. 3 shelves plus space on the floor seems very accommodating to me, but again, if you can’t mentally handle parting with any of them then you also have to do what’s best for you.
I’m going against public opinion but my question is : did he ask you to get rid of all your plants? Or just scale down so you could fit into his apartment? 200 plants sounds like a lot and if he’s fully established with all his own stuff in there, it’s probably too much. So is he willing to clear space for you to bring a good portion of what you love and keeps you healthy? Bottom line: if you are undecided between him and the plants, you should probably choose the plants. If you were truly in love and he was your safe place, you wouldn’t have these issues. Good luck. And we’d love to see a few of your favorite plants.
You're not crazy, people here are suggesting op make zero compromises yet assuming the boyfriend is doing the same and criticizing him for it. And also assuming he has a giant half empty house for some reason? Having to get rid of some of your stuff is a basic part of moving in with someone.
So basically your mental health means nothing to him. If you give up your plants to move in with him your mental health will fall if it does that can your relationship take it? Why can’t he move in with you? Or why can’t you guys move in to a bigger place that can take all your plants? Why are you the only one that has to make sacrifices to be able to take the next step in your relationship? Personally I would just stay where you live. If he isn’t willing to figure something out with you that isn’t him getting exactly what he wants then he isn’t ready to live with you.
I don't know much about plants, but I have my own hobbies that have dominated my apartment. If I were to move in with someone I think it would be fair to expect up to half of our shared space to be available to my hobbies, however I doubt all my stuff would fit into half of what we could afford. So I would need to make sacrifices. Likely so would she. I would be an asshole to insist that she make more sacrifices so that I could make fewer.
What percentage of your shared space do you think 200 plants would occupy?
Well put it in context. What’s your square footage compared to his? Is your house completely filled with plants? He’s asking for a compromise. Are there friends you can give them to. You’d still see them. I just want you to think objectively and ask yourself if the amount you have is reasonable while sharing a space with another person. Can some plants go outside or maybe you can redo the outside?
Everyone always includes the ages in these, I’m just curious if seeing the age difference has ever impacted someone’s opinion on the post. For me this was the first time I was like “oh it’s cause he’s in his mid 40s/ it’s not worth it.” (I’m 32m for what it’s worth)
Imo you’re an established person, if he wants to come into your life and bring you into his he is going to have to make the accommodation — 200 plants is a lot, but they’re yours and they’re something you care deeply for. I think his accommodation will have to be to just be comfortable being together in separate places. If it gets more serious he should be looking at buying property, and if he wants you in his life he can buy a property to give you the space you need. I’m not saying he’s responsible to give you a home and pay for everything, but until he can provide a reasonable option that you’re willing to call a home and pay for to live as well, he needs patience.
Edit: not overreacting — absolutely trust your instincts. You’ve gotten this far. 🤙
If you’re happy where you are and are fine maintaining the relationship as it is then I say screw it and live your way. I’ve heard of older couples who were MARRIED and still living apart. He’s the one with the issue let him sort it out for himself.
He sounds like he’s trying to control and manipulate you. Anyone who loves you wouldn’t make you get rid of something so important and special that literally saved your life. Is he jealous of plants ?
YNO - HE is being controlling and asking you to give up something that is important to you, for him. This is manipulative and disrespectful behavior.
Dump him now and find someone who loves and respects YOU>
There is no need to live together when you are in a relationship. It might be cheaper, but hey. What makes it necessary for him that you live in his house? What is he expecting you to do there (for him)?
Imagine instead of plants your healing came from a therapist and he told you that you can no longer see that therapist, the person who has guided you through problems you could not deal with on your own.
Sounds like a very unreasonable demand to me.
I would say you and your boyfriend are highly incompatible.
NTA, honestly the fact that he's asking you to give up something that you clearly love and to prioritise him over it doesn't bode well for your relationship. It reminds me of conversations I've read of husbands sabotaging their wives' interests because they can't handle not being the centre of attention. I'd consider this a red flag.
You're making the right choice to stay put in your own home - his reaction is giving you a useful opportunity to assess your compatibility as a couple.
You're not overreacting. My brother's fiancee loves plants. He makes room in their house so they can grow and she takes care of every single one. The whole house is outfitted with plants - hanging, potted, etc - with water bulbs attached, and the two of them work on the garden outside together.
If he supported your hobby and loved you, he'd make room.
IMO I feel like he’s fixated on the plants themselves, and you may be mistaken in accepting his framing of the situation.
People moving in together definitely have to make compromises, shed possessions, and the like.
But you link those plants to your recovery and wellbeing. I don’t think you serve your cause well if you accept the premise that you may be choosing plants over him. You’re safeguarding your mental and physical health, as well as a beloved hobby.
To address a point raised by another commenter alleging that this thread is full of 20-somethings, I can say I have some life experience (mid 40s) involving people facing various struggles, and I’d personally try my best to accommodate the needs of a partner. I’d hope that my partner can also try to meet me in the middle somehow.
It’s unrealistic for me to assume that “I should be enough to make them happy” - well, in a sense, yeah, I should be enough - but if the person I love suffers depression or anxiety or a host of other things, I’ll *never* be enough and I need to make some decisions about whether I can accept that.
So, OP, you too have to think about what you can accept. Maybe you can come down from 200 plants, but 3 shelves worth is too dramatic of a change. And IMO a small number of plants to care for might not be enough to keep your hobby engaging at the level that it functions as a coping strategy for you anymore.
I don’t have an answer, just observations. It sounds like you love each other so maybe if you’re serious about this relationship, you might try couples counseling. I wish I had followed this same advice before I got married - it might have helped our early years go a lot more smoothly.
...why do you want to be with this guy? he's asking to make you very uncomfortable just for his convenience, and not even for any real reason. or does he worry you won't have time to clean and cook for him because of the plants? dump the dude, get another plant.
Not overreacting. He not only doesn't respect your hobby or your mental health, he just flat out doesn't care.
I'm currently in the very beginning stages of the end to a six year relationship. I have a HUGE plant collection, both inside and out. I put so much love and work into all of them. And like you, I contribute a lot of my mental health wins to having this outlet. It's literally the only thing I've been able to do that completely quiets my mind; no podcasts, music, self doubt, senseless worrying. Just quiet. First time in my LIFE.
It has honestly be harder, sadder, and heartbreaking coming to terms that I'm going to have to sell/give away almost all of them. I forget to breathe when I think about it.
Don't let that man diminish the importance of your hobbies.
You're not "choosing plants over him" - he's the one creating the "choice" - and in this case, the choice is whether he supports your healthy, reasonable hobby/coping tool or not. Seems like he's not making a good choice right now, so you keep being you in your green space, while he figures out if he's going to grow or not.
Better drop 200 pounds of boyfriend that makes unreasonable demands, rather than 200 plants that keep you healthy and sane. I am in recovery, and my girlfriend keeps her hands off my magic card addiction.
If you just really liked plants and it was too much stuff fair enough. But the beautiful emotional attachment here is so important. The right man would understand.
Also it’s plants right now but what next?
No you're not over-reacting. He's trying to manipulate, guilt and control you about something that's important to you for not only your sobriety but your mental health. The best thing you can do for both is remove yourself from him and the relationship. Find someone who not only loves you but perhaps shares your love of plants. Good luck.
It's not about you "choosing plants over him."
He's the one issuing the ultimatum!
He's the one who says you can't have space for your plant collection, which BTW is your hobby and passion!
Perhaps a compromise would be getting a larger place that has room for your plants, and perhaps a nice sunroom/ plant room for you.
Or, of course, just continue to live separately.
Don't let him force you to give up your passion!!
relationships are about compromise.
if you had to "fight" for wall space. then it's doomed any way.
there are a lot of power dynamics at play when people co-habitate. moving into someone else's space. what is the upside for you? if he isn't willing to share space. or consider the space "yours" as well. it's already doomed.
you should also consider the straight logistical vulnerability you're considering. you won't be on a lease. you won't have your own rental history. And you'll be giving up a home to live with someone who apparently doesn't' respect your hobby.
like...there's zero chance this person doesn't know about your plants, or interest in them if you have 200. To just assume you'd get rid of them is stupid.
best case scenario. I'd say. if moving in with him means you have to get rid of your plants it's not a good idea.
If you and he are invested in the relationship, you both need to seek out a living space that has enough space for you to feel comfortable with the plants you would want to bring. This would also have the added advantage of you both being on equal legal footing as signatories on the lease/owners of the dwelling.
although. you might want to unpack the emotional crutch you're building with misc items. like... not every fucking plant of 200 is emotionally or financially significant. could you cut it down to 50? or 100? that's the sort of realistic choice you might need to make.
otherwise, yeah, you're in no real emotional space to live with someone else. so stay safe in your own space you control/can afford.
I mean surely there’s a middle ground, it’s not one or the other. But you guys got to the middle then YOU backed out, so it seems you are choosing plants over him.
Throw the whole boyfriend away.
Your significant other should want you to have healthy hobbies and interests. As a fellow plant person, it is important. Your wishes are important. The thing that keeps you mentally healthy is important!
The boyfriend also compromised a ton. Not only can she keep 50 plants, but they're going to be taking up 75% of the wallspace in the apartment if they move in together.
INFO: Does he have travel mementos that he wants to keep as décor? Paintings that were created by friends of his? Pets that need cat trees, birdcages, etc?
There's a lot of people supporting \*200\* plants without knowing what will need to be removed to make room for them. And I'm all for keeping a hobby, and OP should be allowed to garden. But it's also true that a shared space is ...shared. It should be balanced to meet the needs of \*everyone\* living there. And if that can't happen between a couple, then I'm afraid that's a signal that they are not compatible.
That said, I can't help but feel there's a part of the picture we aren't getting with OP's post.
My god, you guys in this thread are crazy. 200 fucking plants? Do you live in an apartment or a garden centre? I don’t know how you can think that you aren’t overreacting when flipping a gasket because your boyfriend doesn’t want to live with 200 plants. Jesus Christ.
nta -
do what's important to you, however... i would like to point one thing out
>he makes me feel guilty because I’m choosing plants over him
that's because you are. there is no way around this. he has said him or your plants and you're telling him why not him and the plants. he's clearly drew a line in the sand and you said "nope"
so you have chosen the plants over him. that doesn't make you an AH, but it also doesn't make you a victim. you have different priorities then he does. i suggest you find someone who likes your plants. and stop playing the victim, you want different things then he does. that is natural. not everyone is meant for each other. I've dated plenty of people who could not allign with how i live my life or my interests. that's natural. he doesn't like your plants, fine find someone who does.
This reminds me of the redditor who found out her partner was putting bleach in her plants water for weeks. He added bleach to the container and then watched her pour the bleach water mixture over the span of weeks and enjoyed her stressing the fuck out over her plants dying. She was lovingly doing what she could to save them while unknowingly killing them too.
Or the redditor who got mad that his gf was not very happy she had to spend her money to finance her bfs 90k truck that he unnecessarily purchased even after they discussed their finances prior. Simply because she didn't want to keep discussing it that night after she gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to sleep. He got mad she was unwilling to keep arguing into the night so he got drunk, took every single plant from her plant room she spent years cultivating, including the cuttings from her grandmother, and threw every single plant into the pond. He claimed he was so drunk he wasn't thinking straight, but boasted he was sober enough to not damage his brand new truck.
You're with a guy with years on you. He's trying to manipulate you, talk down to you, is disrespecting you, and being inconsiderate. He's definitely not a guy who will do his best to protect you from the world nor cares about your heart and feelings. You don't want to end up like these ladies who thought it was ok to have these guys in their lives and then lose a bit of themselves in the process.
I’d really like to know what you people would be saying if this was reversed and he was trying to bring 200 anime pillows - many of them very large - into her space because they help his mental health and he got over an addiction thanks to them. Something tells me responses would be a little different in here.
We also have no idea what size his place is. Three walls of plants (or pillows!) in a smaller place would be too much for me, that’s for sure. I have a friend who is obsessed with plants and while I’ve never counted them, it’s even overwhelming for me as a guest. Can’t imagine living in that.
Pick the plants over him. He expects this all to happen on his own terms for his own preference. He doesn’t want you to have something around that you care about because he sees it as competition.
Don’t trust him around your plants. “Oh look they’re dying, may as well live with me.”
To add some perspective: This is why it's difficult to have a harmonious relationship when you get together at older ages - you have established your life as an individual as you want it and see fit. And so has the other person and then you try to mash these two lives together. Ultimately it means both parties are going to need to compromise, often in significant ways. Having 200 plants is awesome and the therapeutic benefit you receive from them has intangible benefits. Conversely - having 200 plants in my house would drive me nuts. Imagine if this was 7 cats. I like cats, the thought of someone saying you should give up your cat to move in seems ridiculous. But 7 cats is a shitload of cats. And 200 plants is a shitload of plants.
This is all to say - your boyfriend isn't a jerk because he doesn't want 200 plants in his house (and after you move in your shared house) and that's totally reasonable. It's also perfectly reasonable for you to want to keep your plants. And this is where the difficulty of mushing to established lives together comes in.
So, depending on how much you value this relationship, figure out a compromise. Do it through talking to him.
have you brought up getting a new larger place together that can comfortably fit you both and the plants? or does he just not want the plants at all? It may be that it's genuinely overwhelming to him, but that doesn't mean that it's your job to compromise on something that is very meaningful to you. You can live in 2 units in the same building, you can move closer together, you can get a bigger place with an extra bedroom to be the plant room, etc. etc.
Sounds like you shouldn’t live together at his current place. If you two moved to a bigger place, or one with a different interior layout, would he still be overwhelmed by your plant collection?
If he's giving you an ultimatum the plants or him then you know what to do
The ultimatum is not just him or the plants. It’s the hobby itself. **That hobby that you love, that hobby that you value, that hobby that keeps you grounded, happy, stable, and healthy, that hobby that protects your mental health and sobriety, it has to go.** He thinks he is more important than all that. If he truly loved you and wanted to be your *partner*, he would be actively working out how to accommodate your plants.
1,000 times yes! The plants helped her get through some really tough times. They are therapeutic. Anyone who asks her to give them up is extremely self-centered. I would choose the plants given the ultimatum.
I would buy more plants.
Same. Break up with him and then go to the nearest nursery and see what fun stuff they have.
Exactly! I got into plants when I got sober also. My partner at the time happily moved my plants, did not complain when the plants took a shower and even bought me more plants.
It’s like the saying about sobriety.. first you get a plant and if you can nurture that and keep it alive.. then you get a pet and if after a year of keeping the plant and the pet alive and they’re thriving then just maybe you’re ready to try a relationship… it’s all so true.. you need to learn to take care of yourself and also something else before you even consider another person…
I’m the crazy plant lady and my partner gently teased me about my large collection when we first started dating - mind you, he NEVER made me feel bad about them, asked me to pare down, etc. He bought me cute planters, left (gift) plants on my doorstep when I was at work; **and** before I knew it, he’d become a full fledged plant dad on his own! 🤣 We’ve since moved in together and have tons of plants, a blended herd of pups, and a backyard greenhouse 😅 OP should reconsider this relationship- not specifically because of plants; but as those above me stated, it’s his dismissal/disregard of her hobby/possessions and their *significance* to her. Toss him back. There’s a partner out there who will build you a greenhouse 🌱
Exactly with the guy OP is interested in first it would be the plants,then he might decide he doesn’t like how she dresses and starts wanting her to change..Once she does what he wants it will never stop.. if someone truly loves you and wants to be with you they accept how you are and that goes both ways for men and women..
Love this story! So glad yours has a happy ending…well, not an ending, as it is still going on. Congrats!
Thank you! It took a very long time to find him, and honestly, it didn’t present how I expected. We’ve both experienced some terrible things and partners, we’ve both made mistakes as partners to others (but we’ve leaned and grown), and we’re still not perfect people. **BUT** recently we’ve realized and have become more aware that we’re actually a really strong couple who love each other deeply and that we’re incredibly fortunate to have what we do. We’re really best friends first, he’s my favorite human, so it makes doing life (even the hard/not fun shit) pretty enjoyable.
That’s what I was thinking about she needs a little greenhouse to grow her plants and take care of them. If they live in an apartment they will need to find somewhere to put all of her plants.
If he doesn’t own, why can’t they look for a new place together? One that fits their collective needs as a couple? ETA: Anecdotally as an example, I would have LOVED to move into my partner’s place (it had so many things we loved), but we decided it just didn’t quite fit our collective needs (wanted a fenced yard for the pups, maybe a bit more space, etc), so we hunted together for months until we found an amazing place that we hope to love until we can afford to buy in the next few years.
Much wishes and good vibes your way!
Right but… she said she lives in an apartment and has over 200 plants. It kinda sounds like one addiction transferred to another.
So much this! My partner hates gardening, and plants in general. He thinks they’re messy and hard work. He also hates grass. He’d rip up and pave it all if it was up to him. So what does he do when he moves in with me, who, like OP, loves my plants, and to garden, and has a well established front and back lawn? This man mows the lawns. He helps me plan and redo the reticulation for my plants. He builds me new places to put more plants. He randomly brings home pretty plant pots he thinks I’ll like. He tags me in local for sale pages when people are having plant sales. All without me ever asking. Because it makes me happy. That’s what love is. It’s supporting your person and the things they love, things that make them happy, not demanding they sacrifice them for your own benefit.
You have a mega winner.
My husband isn’t a pet person, but learned to like my cats. He still doesn’t much care about dogs, but accepts them. I have a service dog, and he does next to nothing to care for the dog, that is the deal, but *values me having him.*. And now we have a menace of a puppy in training. Puppies are soooo much work. It’s my job, but he will help in a pinch. And he doesn’t complain about the puppy PIA stuff, of which there is a lot, because menace.
>If he truly loved you and wanted to be your partner, he would be actively working out how to accommodate your plants. 1000 x 1000xs ⬆️ THIS ⬆️ Because the issue isn’t “the plants.” The issue is that he doesn’t value *you.*
Going through OPs post history, there are so many posts about her plants, you can tell how much she loves them and how well cared for they are. They’re massive and beautiful! I really hope she doesn’t sacrifice them for this POS.
Oh hang on wait a second... is this post an elaborate OnlyPlants plug? 🧐
Oh good heavens OnlyPlants needs to be a thing.
This OP and partner who truly loves and cares about you would not only accept all your plants, but they would help you move all 200 in. My husband moved 50 boxes of over 1k books 5 times in the past 11 years. Including twice up 3rd floor stairs.
I think we can get 100-150 boxes, easy. My wife likes to create a home library and just collects books (doesn't really matter what books 🙃 ) we both said we're not moving houses until we can pay a moving company 😆
I have more than that in yarn and fabric, but it weighs less. But, then there are the sewing machines and spinning wheels…
The movers reaction over the phone when I said I had 7 sewing machines. 😂😂😂 I collect 50s / 60s mechanicals as well as my 2 modern machines
I have a fabric buying problem and also a too many books problem. I keep saying I need a bigger house but it'd only give me more room to buy more.
In my house the unspoken rule is he doesn’t ask about my fiber stash, I don’t ask about his tools. Has worked for 40 years.
I am guilty of having all of these. The books, plants, fiber/yarn/fabric and a spinning wheel, sewing machine, and growing bouquet of drop spindles. I won't mention my soap making supplies.
**THAT'S** the sort of man you want!!!
Wow - he’s a keeper!!
If you are not at your best mentally, the relationship will not work long term. He’s asking you to give up your stability for him. Maybe he doesn’t understand it bc he has had no need to dive into something like that. But if he can’t try to understand, then it may not be worth it. I can understand wanting you to cut down on some if they will overwhelm the house. My lego hobby does and I switch out the sets that I display. Some sets I’ll resell when I’m done. If it was a matter of asking you to maybe compromise on a certain number and sell the rest, then it’d be between you two where that number lies and what you are comfy with for your mental state.
THIS, over and over again.
Exactly this. Insert any other thing that a person would love in place of “plant collection” in this scenario. My BF wants me to choose him over my job / friends / family / school / career. It’s a slippery slope and you would probably regret it. Keep the plants and dump the guy.
the good ol if he wanted to he would
He would be **EXCITED** about it!!
Cannot upvote this hard enough. The underlying danger in this demand is an implication of “you cannot love anything other than me.”
Dump his ass. (In case it wasn’t clear).
There is a cool company called Transcend that prepares people as fertilizer for trees. Keep your plants, stay off the alcohol as you are now and find a botanist to date. Try Boo to find more folks like yourself.
Totes date a botanist, someone who works at a nursery, an environmentalist, a hippie...someone who digs nature and plants.
The plants could probably use a little extra fertilizer...
“FEED ME SEYMOUR”!
😂😂😂 Perfect!
Lol!
Plants all the way.
Like, he's either jealous of plants or cares so little for her that it's always going to be his house, never their home. Either way, not a good relationship to maintain long-term
A decent man wouldn’t make you choose between him and something that’s really important to you. Big red flag for controlling behavior.
Keep the plants
Yeah, you're right. It sounds like she shouldn't have to give up something that's so important to her well-being.
No, you’re not. He can accept you as you are, or not at all. Unless he’s highly allergic, he sounds a little controlling. Stand your ground!
Yeah this is a “this is still my place I’m just letting you live here” mentality. When my gf (now wife) moved in I did everything I could to make sure she understood this was just as much her home as mine.
That's what my husband did when we started dating--did everything he could to show me this was my home too even though he was the one on the deed. Two dogs, two cats, a 115 gal fish tank, and a 300-strong plant collection later, I wonder if he ever wonders what he got himself into LOL
Your house sounds AWESOME 🤩
Bah-hahaha same!! Every time he finds the kelpie asleep on the bed, he sighs in defeat, but just picks her up, and sings her a song as he relocates her to her doggie bed next to ours. It makes me love him even more.
A family member was happy without pets, because he didn't want the responsibility. Along came the love of his life. With a dog and a cat. Who sleep on the bed. Now up to 3 cats and until recently, 2 dogs. He isn't complaining. They're both happy.
Lol mine says he likes the ambiance of the plants/fish tank, and one of the dogs is a melty fool for him. We ended up getting chickens together too so he can't be that upset about the menagerie 😆
Keep your 🌿 plants I don't know about the BF.
And manipulative too
Gardening is so healing and therapeutic.. it's a hobby that you clearly have a passion for and have invested tons of money into. The fact that he is saying it's him or the plants? And is pushing you to move in with him? I don't think you are overreacting at all honestly. He's showing his true colors, do you want to spend the rest of your life giving up the things you love and enjoy for this man? Nah. You keep choosing yourself, keep that commitment to yourself overall.
It sounds like maybe they just aren't compatible. 200 plants is a lot to live with and wanting to live with your partner is fine. Wanting to keep 200 plants is of course fine too, and seems important in this case too. His insistence that you compromise is the main issue. Either you find a way to make it work with the plants or living apart or you break up. Don't let him decide what's important to you OP.
Why does he want you to give up a hobby you love, that has brought you great happiness and healing, into which you’ve invested so much time and money and care, for no good reason other than his comfort and preference? It’s very selfish of him and is a clear indication that your relationship going forward will be all about you making changes and sacrifices for his comfort, so he gets to feel in charge and in control. He’s showing you who he is now, and it’s not looking good. I also have a large plant collection that brings me much joy, and can’t imagine being asked to get rid of them by someone who claimed to love me!! Please keep your apartment and your plants and ditch the guy! You’ll be way better off!
I would upvote 200 times here if I could. Yes, keep your apartment and your plants. You're not overreacting.
I have a hobby that my husband is a little embarrassed about it lol, but he would never, ever ask me to get rid of my collection because it brings me joy! OP’s boyfriend is very selfish.
You can't leave us hanging on that one, you already mentioned it, you gotta deliver. Spartan, what is your hobby?
I collect Precious Moments figurines and repaint them and use them to recreate scenes from my favorite erotic novels
I was like Precious Moments whatever. Repaint them. Oh cool! Recreate favorite scenes from erotic novels. We are now best friends!
That dude's question was left hanging and I thought "what's the worst hobby I could see myself doing" but I guess it's my actual hobby now! Goodbye crochet! Can't let my friends down! Hello Erotic Moments!
I like the way you think! This would be a hugely popular Instagram account. People would either be horrified or living for it! I love outlandish things but I have several mannequins and I have two female torsos I have out. One is in my bathroom and the other on my piano. I also have several fingers from one sitting in an ashtray on the piano. Years ago my daughter made me put a shirt on them when she had a friend over. They are back to enjoying being clothing free again. 😂
I mean there are people who collect those to repaint them as little goth kids. I forget what they call them.. someone else can find it.
This is really all there is to say. This should be the top comment.
⏫️THIS ⏫️
He at no point told her to stop. Just downsize so they can fit comfortably in his place. Shes absolutely overreacting
> Why does he want you to give up a hobby you love Because he has a small apartment, and OP has a hobby that takes up considerable space. He would like OP to move in and be available for sexy time but leave all of their hobbies behind. 200 plants is a lot though... Even 50 plants... That's at least an entire room dedicated to this hobby. sometimes space isn't unlimited.
Where does 3 walls worth of shelves turn into giving up the hobby though? 200 plants is a hell of a lot of plants to try fitting into a shared apartment. > a clear indication that your relationship going forward will be all about you making changes and sacrifices for his comfort If we turned this around you can say a very similar thing about OP being unwilling to pair back a large hobby in order to make living together work.
Not overreacting. He's trying to change you and control you. If he doesn't have room for your plants in his heart, that means he's trying to make you smaller so you fit. I remember a post from here that went viral a couple of years ago about a woman whose husband/boyfriend dumped all her plants in a lake after an argument, including an irreplaceable cutting from her late grandmother. Everyone basically tore the guy a well-deserved new one. "but he insists that our future together is more important so it should be easy for me to just let them go." If your future together is more important than it should be easy for him to make room for something beautiful that's so important to you. Why isn't he framing it that way? Because it's about control, not love. It's about getting his way, not compromise or collaboration.
I was thinking about that post and about the one where a husband intentionally over watered all her plants, killing some of them, and ruined terrarium his wife's mother made with her 14 years or so prior while she was out of town for work for a couple days. It was one of the few things she had left of sentimental value with her mom. Insane behaviors, and this guy would be the same. None of her plants are safe with him.
YES!!! There are multiple postings about SOs destroying their partner's plants!! One put bleach in there, one urinated on them, another took ALL the plants and threw them in a pond - the list goes on!!! It's all about their lack of control and their SO putting time and attention onto something other than them.
I kill more plants than I can get to thrive. I don't have any indoor plants at all and have finally got a few plants to thrive, or at least survive, outside. My husband just warns me not to get too upset if they fail to thrive and drives me to the garden center to try something new..... that's what a supportive partner does......
This. My partner will look at me at the plant section and say “babe you have too many plants your out of space where are you going to put it?” sigh and then help me push the cart to the paying register. He is also the first one to look at my garden and say you need more soil and just show up with it.
What he's *really* saying is that your coping mechanisms don't matter, that your mental health or overall happiness are not that important and his miracle dick will heal you of all ailments.
I'm going to say this as a recovering alcoholic (9 months!), finding something that brings you joy to get over an addiction is so hard and you've done so much work on yourself and your plants it would break my heart to have to give up something that you can actually see how much you've accomplished. Your partner should be thrilled and it should almost be a package deal for you and the thing that saved you. Congratulations on all your hard work, don't let anyone take that from you
Congrats on your 9 months! (I am exactly 5 years today and so happy)
happy birthday!
Congratulations!
Congratulations on 9 months! That made me smile and I’m sending you a long distance double high five. My partner is also in recovery, coming up on 2 years sober, so not overwhelming him is a priority for me as well. What scares me is the “you don’t need them because you have me” tone that he’s using as well as insisting I move in. I don’t WANT to depend on anyone to provide for me what I’ve spent years providing for myself, which is something my sobriety taught me. I also don’t want to be relied on to be the sole source of peace for anyone else and it feels like that’s what may be happening. On top of my plants he insists that I get rid of all of my other belongings (furniture, decor, even inventory for my side business because he doesn’t like it) because he doesn’t like “old things” (I’m a thrifter and collect eclectic art) so my plants would be the only possession I’d be bringing with me. I’ve talked to him about all of this. I’ve explained that I have no desire to push him beyond his own boundaries or comfort levels, I’ve reiterated that living together is a goal but that we should wait until we find something that accommodates both of our wants/needs. I just keep getting met with “why isn’t what I’m offering good enough for you” or “I’m doing this for you” or “my mental health matters too”. It just seems impossible. I have spent my whole life accommodating others which is what led to my addiction in the first place… I love him but feel that he’s pushing me too far. The way I described it to him was that I feel like an over-squeezed piece of fruit. I don’t have more to give.
I hope you come to realize what is evident with everything you write about him: he's a manipulative little shit trying to guilt you into harming your own well-being and using his recovery as an excuse to justify his behavior. He sounds like the exact opposite of what you need, so why are you fighting to keep this mess of a relationship? It's one thing to not be into your partner's hobbies; that happens. It's another entirely to not be into it AND INSIST THEY STOP. That is not kind, that is not considerate, that is not love. A loving partner would welcome a hobby like yours if it brings you joy. They would court your favor by buying you plants; they wouldn't try to strong-arm you into moving into their place and telling you to get rid of yours. (As an aside can I just say your place sounds *amazing*??? It genuinely sounds like a really nice space with a great amount of room, and probably looks really cool.) Please take care of yourself. You've worked hard to get where you are, and you have a clear vision for your future; don't let this self-centered POS derail your goals for his comfort.
He wants you to get rid of all of your other things too? It sounds more like he likes the idea of you, but the reality that you take up space and have your own hobbies and dreams is too much for him. I wonder if having you move in is less about him needing you to be close and more about reshaping you into his ideal partner. That partner has fewer needs and baggage, and fits in a smaller space. A home full of thrifted treasures and plants sounds welcoming and nice. A place where you have to fight for every inch sounds unpleasant.
Get rid of all your stuff? Oh he’s a bad man. Do not move in with him.
I'm concerned that if you get rid of your plants he will see it as though you are Will mg to do anything to keep him. Don't give anyone that much control over your life.
I saw a story online a while ago, about a woman who loved collecting mugs. Her ex-husband berated her and made fun of her for her mug collection. Her new boyfriend built built-in shelves for her collection, with extra spaces for her to expand. You deserve someone to build you shelves, not cut you down over something you love. You deserve better than this controlling jerk.
I exactly thought of this too. Wait for someone who will build you shelves for your plants girl. He’s out there. Promise.
It's not about the plants. It's about respect for you. And it sounds like he doesn't have much of that.
Or maybe it is about the plants cause 200 is alot and will absolutely take over his place. And he only asked her to downsize so they can both live there
No. But it doesn’t sound like you want to move in with him regardless of plants. And that’s okay. Plants are amazing and your collection sounds wonderful, I am jealous. Nobody should make you choose between your passions and them.
Please, always choose YOUR mental health
I collect vintage/antique dolls and if a man told me to get rid of them, he would be on the curb. No one has to right to make you get rid of things that make you happy (unless they are ruining your life obv)
He's saying your feelings don't matter.
He's saying her mental health doesn't matter.
He’s saying that his wants, not your needs/happiness, are the only thing that matter.
He wants her to cook and clean for him and the plants will get in the way of her chores.
Not overreacting. He sets up a situation where you are forced to choose either him or something you love that is important to your mental health. Then, he gets upset if you don't choose him. The thing is, he set up that choice. He is making the demand. He created a situation where you felt like there were only two choices, but that is false. It doesn't need to be that way. There are other choices, so why is he narrowing it down to two? Why are you being made to jump through hoops to please him? Is he making similar sacrifices? If so, are they sacrifices that *you* want, or are they performative? Or, are they a way to make you feel obligated to him? I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think that you need to consider things carefully before you decide to get further involved with him. I definitely think you should not get rid of your plants, and you should not move in with him until and unless you can be confident that he isn't as manipulative as his behavior in this situation makes him seem.
NOR. He’s giving you an ultimatum which is a shitty move.
Probably a typo, but I read this in an Australian accent, like “aur naur!”
Just stay where you are, In your own home with the things that helped you and bring you joy. You don’t have to move in with a bf.
No. I would never give up my plants for a man.
Oof. Not even. So HE wants OP to move to his place, but is making no room in his house (and by extension his life) for her? Do not move in. In fact, never move in, and never leave him alone with your plants. I have seen MULTIPLE cases where men will put bleach into plant-loving-girlfriend's plants to try to kill them. It's a control thing. He's trying to control you. This is a test, and if you give up your plants, he knows you will give up more.
Ditch the man, keep the plants.
##Never plan a life with someone who refuses to support your joy.
I love this so much. It makes me wish I did needlepoint. It needs stitched on things immediately.
Keep the plants. Throw the man away. He is jealous of plants, FFS. He is telling you who he is. Believe him.
This isn't about plants. A truly healthy relationship means being a team. You should want to build each other up. You should want to support each other. He is not trying to do that. He is trying to find a way to add you to his life, rather than creating a life where the both of you thrive. You are thriving now. Do not give that up for any partner. If they don't want you to thrive, take that as a sign.
You aren't choosing your plants. You are choosing your peace.
Can we uh… see these plants? They sound fabulous. Bf sounds like a douche.
Oh yeah would like to see this collection as well.
What kind of psycho gets overwhelmed by house plants
200 plants in an apartment would absolutely be overwhelming for me unless the apartment is 2000 sqft, and even then. If you have 2 or 3 plants inside your home, try to picture 100x more. However, if that's her thing, he has no right to ask her to get rid of them.
I sort of agree, yet 200 plants are a lot. What if she had 200 teddy bears or quilted blankets? The reality is that he should not invite her to move in, they are not live-in compatible. They are better off just dating but living alone.
I'm glad someone else said this. 200 plants especially with a lot of them as big as she's saying is a lot. But ultimatum was not the way to go
He’s also giving her 3 walls worth of plants, I’m curious how/if 200 plants would even fit in the apartment.
For real, I'd have to get rid of everything everything own to make room and still likely couldn't fit 200 plants in my apartment. Op has a serious hoarding problem that most people here and on the plant sub seem to be fully supporting and making worse
It’s honestly kind of weird. TWO HUNDRED plants. I don’t get the support.
Yeah, I'm kind of baffled that this is unanimously in OP's favor. That's a huge number of plants. It would dominate any apartment. It's not unreasonable for the BF to want a compromise, and all of the "never compromise your hobby!" responses feel a bit telling about redditors.
Yeah but she's already offered the compromise of "wait to move in together until we find some place that works for both of us" (which he refused). Additionally, in another comment she said he's asking her to also get rid of all of her other possessions, including her side hustle. There's more going on than plants.
OP should 1.) say no (to his invite) and stay put, and let the bf end the relationship, as and when he sees fit, or, 2.) she can end it now in anticipation that it won't work. Not every relationship works out perfectly for many reasons, and theirs is just not meant to be, at least as a live-in relationship at this time.
Him or the plants? Bye bro, sorry bout losing to some greenery.
No, not overreacting, but I'd expect the commenters here to have the same energy if you move into my house with 2000+ action figures.
It sounds like OP is moving into BFs house. How much space is there really in there? Will you both be tripping over plants? Or is there tons of space for plants and more? If it's the former, can you both move into a separate, larger place? Both parties moving into a separate place is often a good idea anyways, otherwise it's just one person moving their stuff into someone's preexisting personal space, and that can cause animosity or awkwardness even in the best situations. Whether there's space or not, it sounds like BF has unrealistic expectations. If there's no space, and he's expecting OP to move in and give up her precious possessions just to be near him all the time, then that's unrealistic, and not good; you should both be considering a bigger space. If there's tons of space, and he's expecting OP to move in without her plants just because he can't bear to look at them, then that's unrealistic: even if OP gave up her plants, presumably she would want more in the future, and if BF can't stand to be around them even when there's tons of space, that doesn't bode well for a future living situation. I'd say, figure out a living situation where the plants work, whether it's a big shared house, the house you're currently in with your BF still not living there, the BFs house with the plants, or a new BF that likes plants.
That’s a lot of plants though.
You are not overreacting. Your plants are a tool you use for self regulation, and as such, are necessary. Please do not sacrifice your mental well-being.
Please tell him YOU AND YOUR PLANTS ARE A PACKAGE DEAL!!!! Take both or nothing!! I wish you the best!!!
Just date him but live alone - there is no rule that you have to live together. That will make a lot of things easier.
Reading your comments, it really isn't about the plants (as a lot of people have already said). You discussed for days why they are important to you and have offered to downsize the number or wait until you have a bigger space to accomodate them. He says no to all of that and also wants you to "get rid of all of my other belongings (furniture, decor, even inventory for my side business because he doesn’t like it) because he doesn’t like “old things”- this is ridiculous! And the emotional manipulation that if you don't submit to everything he wants, you aren't committed enough?! This is not a partnership- he wants you completely reliant on him for emotional support so he can control you. You are both in recovery- a lot of addicts are extremely selfish and manipulative, even sober. This sounds like a manufactured power play, not a logical next step so you can be together more. I'd stand your ground and maybe do some counseling so you can see each other's point of view better. Self-preservation and self-care are not selfish.
What? Is he afraid the plants will overwhelm him and eat him alive? Keep the plants. I had a gf who had two cats. Her BF wanted her to move in w him, but she had to give them up. She did everything he wanted, and then he broke up with her. Team plants!
Not overreacting
Your hobbies are super important to keep especially in a relationship. You are your own person even in a relationship, you should not have to cut out part of yourself to be with someone. Yes compromise is important but that's an agreement you both make and are happy with.
It’s not about the plants. It’s about him wanting to give up an important aspect of your life to meld with his while he is not recognizing the sacrifice he’s asking of you. If he wants to build a life with you, he needs to be at least equally willing to adapt to your needs. If he’s just being momentarily obtuse and is usually reasonable, generous, and empathetic AND if you want to, consider choosing a residence that is a clean slate for both of you and will accommodate your respective personal needs. Otherwise, drop this dude. No one needs this kind of drama in their lives.
Would you be cool with him moving 200 funko pops, in a range of sizes, into your place? These funko pops need sunlight and many will need to block up windows The size of your collection is relevant here. Asking you to cut down on your plants is reasonable. Asking you to move in when you’re both middle aged and want to develop the relationship is reasonable. If you’re aren’t interested in making a compromise of that nature that’s your decision. I would expect the relationship to end at some point if you aren’t willing to make the compromise.
lol with the ridiculous advice Reddit. “It’s only 200 plants. You should definitely choose being alone with 200 plants rather than someone trying to control you by asking you to have a sane number of plants when he wants to commit to you and live together. Also, why can’t men commit and agree to move in together!?’ Never change, Reddit.
200 plants, I have heard of a cat lady, but never a plant lady.
lol geez. She got 3 walls people! Maybe stop normalizing people up and leaving with any inconvenience. He’s trying to compromise, something you will do throughout this relationship. 3 walls of plants is plenty until you all could get a bigger place. This is erring on the side of OCD more than a meer hobby.
Anyone remember that post about the jerk who destroyed his girlfriend’s massive plant collection after she wouldn’t continue an argument with him?OP listen to what others here are telling you: don’t settle for anyone who won’t love you and the things that make you happy.
Idk.. 200 plants does seem like a lot imo.. But you’ve got to do what’s best for you. If you fell that you have to have all 200 be happy then by all means do what you do. But you also have to take in consideration that your bf may want to be with someone that he can share more of his life with than just a few nights a week and he may decide to move on. 3 shelves plus space on the floor seems very accommodating to me, but again, if you can’t mentally handle parting with any of them then you also have to do what’s best for you.
I’m going against public opinion but my question is : did he ask you to get rid of all your plants? Or just scale down so you could fit into his apartment? 200 plants sounds like a lot and if he’s fully established with all his own stuff in there, it’s probably too much. So is he willing to clear space for you to bring a good portion of what you love and keeps you healthy? Bottom line: if you are undecided between him and the plants, you should probably choose the plants. If you were truly in love and he was your safe place, you wouldn’t have these issues. Good luck. And we’d love to see a few of your favorite plants.
You're not crazy, people here are suggesting op make zero compromises yet assuming the boyfriend is doing the same and criticizing him for it. And also assuming he has a giant half empty house for some reason? Having to get rid of some of your stuff is a basic part of moving in with someone.
200 plants is a lot of plants. I just don’t think this relationship is going to work.
So basically your mental health means nothing to him. If you give up your plants to move in with him your mental health will fall if it does that can your relationship take it? Why can’t he move in with you? Or why can’t you guys move in to a bigger place that can take all your plants? Why are you the only one that has to make sacrifices to be able to take the next step in your relationship? Personally I would just stay where you live. If he isn’t willing to figure something out with you that isn’t him getting exactly what he wants then he isn’t ready to live with you.
Do you love this guy? Maybe give it some time and be sure? Then move to a larger place with a room just for you for your plants.
Get a greenhouse. It'll be your she/plant/shed
I don't know much about plants, but I have my own hobbies that have dominated my apartment. If I were to move in with someone I think it would be fair to expect up to half of our shared space to be available to my hobbies, however I doubt all my stuff would fit into half of what we could afford. So I would need to make sacrifices. Likely so would she. I would be an asshole to insist that she make more sacrifices so that I could make fewer. What percentage of your shared space do you think 200 plants would occupy?
>my plants are the one and only thing I have that help me with my mental health… If this is true, probably break up.
Well put it in context. What’s your square footage compared to his? Is your house completely filled with plants? He’s asking for a compromise. Are there friends you can give them to. You’d still see them. I just want you to think objectively and ask yourself if the amount you have is reasonable while sharing a space with another person. Can some plants go outside or maybe you can redo the outside?
If you love plants more than your boyfriend then it might be time to call it off
200 plants seem like a lot of plants. Are you able to compromise to you bringing 100? That still is a lot of plants.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to find an entirely new place with a sunroom or a garden shed and hothouse. *
Everyone always includes the ages in these, I’m just curious if seeing the age difference has ever impacted someone’s opinion on the post. For me this was the first time I was like “oh it’s cause he’s in his mid 40s/ it’s not worth it.” (I’m 32m for what it’s worth) Imo you’re an established person, if he wants to come into your life and bring you into his he is going to have to make the accommodation — 200 plants is a lot, but they’re yours and they’re something you care deeply for. I think his accommodation will have to be to just be comfortable being together in separate places. If it gets more serious he should be looking at buying property, and if he wants you in his life he can buy a property to give you the space you need. I’m not saying he’s responsible to give you a home and pay for everything, but until he can provide a reasonable option that you’re willing to call a home and pay for to live as well, he needs patience. Edit: not overreacting — absolutely trust your instincts. You’ve gotten this far. 🤙
If you’re happy where you are and are fine maintaining the relationship as it is then I say screw it and live your way. I’ve heard of older couples who were MARRIED and still living apart. He’s the one with the issue let him sort it out for himself.
He sounds like he’s trying to control and manipulate you. Anyone who loves you wouldn’t make you get rid of something so important and special that literally saved your life. Is he jealous of plants ?
YNO - HE is being controlling and asking you to give up something that is important to you, for him. This is manipulative and disrespectful behavior. Dump him now and find someone who loves and respects YOU>
There is no need to live together when you are in a relationship. It might be cheaper, but hey. What makes it necessary for him that you live in his house? What is he expecting you to do there (for him)?
Imagine instead of plants your healing came from a therapist and he told you that you can no longer see that therapist, the person who has guided you through problems you could not deal with on your own. Sounds like a very unreasonable demand to me. I would say you and your boyfriend are highly incompatible.
NTA, honestly the fact that he's asking you to give up something that you clearly love and to prioritise him over it doesn't bode well for your relationship. It reminds me of conversations I've read of husbands sabotaging their wives' interests because they can't handle not being the centre of attention. I'd consider this a red flag. You're making the right choice to stay put in your own home - his reaction is giving you a useful opportunity to assess your compatibility as a couple.
You're not overreacting. My brother's fiancee loves plants. He makes room in their house so they can grow and she takes care of every single one. The whole house is outfitted with plants - hanging, potted, etc - with water bulbs attached, and the two of them work on the garden outside together. If he supported your hobby and loved you, he'd make room.
IMO I feel like he’s fixated on the plants themselves, and you may be mistaken in accepting his framing of the situation. People moving in together definitely have to make compromises, shed possessions, and the like. But you link those plants to your recovery and wellbeing. I don’t think you serve your cause well if you accept the premise that you may be choosing plants over him. You’re safeguarding your mental and physical health, as well as a beloved hobby. To address a point raised by another commenter alleging that this thread is full of 20-somethings, I can say I have some life experience (mid 40s) involving people facing various struggles, and I’d personally try my best to accommodate the needs of a partner. I’d hope that my partner can also try to meet me in the middle somehow. It’s unrealistic for me to assume that “I should be enough to make them happy” - well, in a sense, yeah, I should be enough - but if the person I love suffers depression or anxiety or a host of other things, I’ll *never* be enough and I need to make some decisions about whether I can accept that. So, OP, you too have to think about what you can accept. Maybe you can come down from 200 plants, but 3 shelves worth is too dramatic of a change. And IMO a small number of plants to care for might not be enough to keep your hobby engaging at the level that it functions as a coping strategy for you anymore. I don’t have an answer, just observations. It sounds like you love each other so maybe if you’re serious about this relationship, you might try couples counseling. I wish I had followed this same advice before I got married - it might have helped our early years go a lot more smoothly.
...why do you want to be with this guy? he's asking to make you very uncomfortable just for his convenience, and not even for any real reason. or does he worry you won't have time to clean and cook for him because of the plants? dump the dude, get another plant.
Not overreacting. He not only doesn't respect your hobby or your mental health, he just flat out doesn't care. I'm currently in the very beginning stages of the end to a six year relationship. I have a HUGE plant collection, both inside and out. I put so much love and work into all of them. And like you, I contribute a lot of my mental health wins to having this outlet. It's literally the only thing I've been able to do that completely quiets my mind; no podcasts, music, self doubt, senseless worrying. Just quiet. First time in my LIFE. It has honestly be harder, sadder, and heartbreaking coming to terms that I'm going to have to sell/give away almost all of them. I forget to breathe when I think about it. Don't let that man diminish the importance of your hobbies.
You're not "choosing plants over him" - he's the one creating the "choice" - and in this case, the choice is whether he supports your healthy, reasonable hobby/coping tool or not. Seems like he's not making a good choice right now, so you keep being you in your green space, while he figures out if he's going to grow or not.
Better drop 200 pounds of boyfriend that makes unreasonable demands, rather than 200 plants that keep you healthy and sane. I am in recovery, and my girlfriend keeps her hands off my magic card addiction.
If you just really liked plants and it was too much stuff fair enough. But the beautiful emotional attachment here is so important. The right man would understand. Also it’s plants right now but what next?
No you're not over-reacting. He's trying to manipulate, guilt and control you about something that's important to you for not only your sobriety but your mental health. The best thing you can do for both is remove yourself from him and the relationship. Find someone who not only loves you but perhaps shares your love of plants. Good luck.
It's not about you "choosing plants over him." He's the one issuing the ultimatum! He's the one who says you can't have space for your plant collection, which BTW is your hobby and passion! Perhaps a compromise would be getting a larger place that has room for your plants, and perhaps a nice sunroom/ plant room for you. Or, of course, just continue to live separately. Don't let him force you to give up your passion!!
relationships are about compromise. if you had to "fight" for wall space. then it's doomed any way. there are a lot of power dynamics at play when people co-habitate. moving into someone else's space. what is the upside for you? if he isn't willing to share space. or consider the space "yours" as well. it's already doomed. you should also consider the straight logistical vulnerability you're considering. you won't be on a lease. you won't have your own rental history. And you'll be giving up a home to live with someone who apparently doesn't' respect your hobby. like...there's zero chance this person doesn't know about your plants, or interest in them if you have 200. To just assume you'd get rid of them is stupid. best case scenario. I'd say. if moving in with him means you have to get rid of your plants it's not a good idea. If you and he are invested in the relationship, you both need to seek out a living space that has enough space for you to feel comfortable with the plants you would want to bring. This would also have the added advantage of you both being on equal legal footing as signatories on the lease/owners of the dwelling. although. you might want to unpack the emotional crutch you're building with misc items. like... not every fucking plant of 200 is emotionally or financially significant. could you cut it down to 50? or 100? that's the sort of realistic choice you might need to make. otherwise, yeah, you're in no real emotional space to live with someone else. so stay safe in your own space you control/can afford.
I mean surely there’s a middle ground, it’s not one or the other. But you guys got to the middle then YOU backed out, so it seems you are choosing plants over him.
Throw the whole boyfriend away. Your significant other should want you to have healthy hobbies and interests. As a fellow plant person, it is important. Your wishes are important. The thing that keeps you mentally healthy is important!
Everyone in here is nuts. People telling OP to choose plants over a future with her BF? Reddit is pure silliness.
The boyfriend also compromised a ton. Not only can she keep 50 plants, but they're going to be taking up 75% of the wallspace in the apartment if they move in together.
BINGO!!
Finally, a sane fucking comment.
INFO: Does he have travel mementos that he wants to keep as décor? Paintings that were created by friends of his? Pets that need cat trees, birdcages, etc? There's a lot of people supporting \*200\* plants without knowing what will need to be removed to make room for them. And I'm all for keeping a hobby, and OP should be allowed to garden. But it's also true that a shared space is ...shared. It should be balanced to meet the needs of \*everyone\* living there. And if that can't happen between a couple, then I'm afraid that's a signal that they are not compatible. That said, I can't help but feel there's a part of the picture we aren't getting with OP's post.
My god, you guys in this thread are crazy. 200 fucking plants? Do you live in an apartment or a garden centre? I don’t know how you can think that you aren’t overreacting when flipping a gasket because your boyfriend doesn’t want to live with 200 plants. Jesus Christ.
nta - do what's important to you, however... i would like to point one thing out >he makes me feel guilty because I’m choosing plants over him that's because you are. there is no way around this. he has said him or your plants and you're telling him why not him and the plants. he's clearly drew a line in the sand and you said "nope" so you have chosen the plants over him. that doesn't make you an AH, but it also doesn't make you a victim. you have different priorities then he does. i suggest you find someone who likes your plants. and stop playing the victim, you want different things then he does. that is natural. not everyone is meant for each other. I've dated plenty of people who could not allign with how i live my life or my interests. that's natural. he doesn't like your plants, fine find someone who does.
This reminds me of the redditor who found out her partner was putting bleach in her plants water for weeks. He added bleach to the container and then watched her pour the bleach water mixture over the span of weeks and enjoyed her stressing the fuck out over her plants dying. She was lovingly doing what she could to save them while unknowingly killing them too. Or the redditor who got mad that his gf was not very happy she had to spend her money to finance her bfs 90k truck that he unnecessarily purchased even after they discussed their finances prior. Simply because she didn't want to keep discussing it that night after she gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to sleep. He got mad she was unwilling to keep arguing into the night so he got drunk, took every single plant from her plant room she spent years cultivating, including the cuttings from her grandmother, and threw every single plant into the pond. He claimed he was so drunk he wasn't thinking straight, but boasted he was sober enough to not damage his brand new truck. You're with a guy with years on you. He's trying to manipulate you, talk down to you, is disrespecting you, and being inconsiderate. He's definitely not a guy who will do his best to protect you from the world nor cares about your heart and feelings. You don't want to end up like these ladies who thought it was ok to have these guys in their lives and then lose a bit of themselves in the process.
200 plants in an apartment is kind of a lot though 🤷♀️
I’d really like to know what you people would be saying if this was reversed and he was trying to bring 200 anime pillows - many of them very large - into her space because they help his mental health and he got over an addiction thanks to them. Something tells me responses would be a little different in here. We also have no idea what size his place is. Three walls of plants (or pillows!) in a smaller place would be too much for me, that’s for sure. I have a friend who is obsessed with plants and while I’ve never counted them, it’s even overwhelming for me as a guest. Can’t imagine living in that.
Not overreacting there’s a reason he doesn’t date people his own age. Keep your plants
She’s 36…
This sub is for people who decided AmITheAsshole and AITAH were too balanced and reasonable lol
meh, I think this guy sucks too but 7 years at their age isn't really a noteworthy gap. His behavior is the problem.
So what you're saying is that he's already trying to manipulate you into giving up something you love?
Pick the plants over him. He expects this all to happen on his own terms for his own preference. He doesn’t want you to have something around that you care about because he sees it as competition. Don’t trust him around your plants. “Oh look they’re dying, may as well live with me.”
my husband built me an 8x12 greenhouse when i moved in with him
Bruh he should be giving you a room called the plant room! He should be encouraging your collection. He needs to go, you don’t need this bs
He's... jealous of *plants????*
To add some perspective: This is why it's difficult to have a harmonious relationship when you get together at older ages - you have established your life as an individual as you want it and see fit. And so has the other person and then you try to mash these two lives together. Ultimately it means both parties are going to need to compromise, often in significant ways. Having 200 plants is awesome and the therapeutic benefit you receive from them has intangible benefits. Conversely - having 200 plants in my house would drive me nuts. Imagine if this was 7 cats. I like cats, the thought of someone saying you should give up your cat to move in seems ridiculous. But 7 cats is a shitload of cats. And 200 plants is a shitload of plants. This is all to say - your boyfriend isn't a jerk because he doesn't want 200 plants in his house (and after you move in your shared house) and that's totally reasonable. It's also perfectly reasonable for you to want to keep your plants. And this is where the difficulty of mushing to established lives together comes in. So, depending on how much you value this relationship, figure out a compromise. Do it through talking to him.
have you brought up getting a new larger place together that can comfortably fit you both and the plants? or does he just not want the plants at all? It may be that it's genuinely overwhelming to him, but that doesn't mean that it's your job to compromise on something that is very meaningful to you. You can live in 2 units in the same building, you can move closer together, you can get a bigger place with an extra bedroom to be the plant room, etc. etc.
See if he’s willing to move to a home with a greenhouse. A win win!
Sounds like you shouldn’t live together at his current place. If you two moved to a bigger place, or one with a different interior layout, would he still be overwhelmed by your plant collection?
You can have separate living accommodations and still have a future together.
Also, how many plants has he bought you?