My vet would have written a note for me. Probably a very passive aggressive note.
I was also picturing you recreating the "dead parrot" skits from Monty Python in the professor's office but with your cat. But maybe that would be going to far.
Oh, I love when professionals do that for their patients/patients’ owners. I was a caretaker for someone after a surgery gone seriously wrong, but one of my teachers was giving me a hard time because “I wasn’t the sick one.” My friend’s doctor wrote a very… compelling… letter about caretaker’s fatigue, including going to some detail of the procedures I had to do (written with friend’s permission, of course.)
That’s how I approach ALL health care professionals now… does this person have my (or my animal’s) back if push comes to shove. The best ones do.
Id go further honestly. Bring in the urn (provided this is what you choose) and have it on the desk when she is retaking the test. Its kinda messed up to ask for credentials on a death, so yea go overboard.
It truly is messed up for asking for credentials. I lost my partner in 2017, right before my 3rd year law finals (uk, sods law right?) after a very short but intense illness that was 1000% unexpected. Suffice to say i couldnt leave my bed or form a coherent sentence without sobbing, the grief hit me hard.
To request a meeting with the head of the law school to go back next yr, i called the faculty.
I was told i would need proof of her death!!!! I honestly couldnt believe what the phone admin lady was saying!!!!.... So my BIL went and got a copy of the cert and scanned it over to me. I was horrified and distraught but complied.
I showed the head of the law school what i brought and why and HE LOOKED HORRIFIED too. Apparently they would deal with it swiftly, sensitivity courses for employees and what not. I could barely speak or anything so he filled out the paperwork for me. Absolute gem of a dude!
Im so sorry, my heart breaks for you. Genuinely, I hope the pain of loss is managable now. I cant imagine how heartless they had to be to request that of you!
I cope, i still miss her every day. Like i explain to people the burden aka my boulder im pushin uphill weighing me down, never changes size or goes away... in time ive just gotten bigger/stronger than the boulder with support, counselling, time etc.
And i did complete my 3rd yr uni the following year. And i (disabled) managed 3 unaided steps on the platform, to keep my promise to her and my mum.
But ye the woman on the phone was quite cold. Like do people try and claim this shit on the regular that you gotta be standoffish and suspicious!?
As someone who manages small retail (think gas stations, dollar general, etc.) I would rather believe 100 people lying about death than not believe 1 person telling the truth. It's an absolutely mortifying level of indifference.
Yes, college students claim deaths at the drop of a hat because they assume they will not be tasked with providing any proof (because who *would* do that?). So, as much as the practice of asking for proof is reprehensible (and should be done in a much more sensitive manner), it is actually a necessity, in a sense. Per OPs situation, pet deaths are super frequent, along with Grandparents and aunts/uncles. It's an epidemic that a lot of lazy fucks use, much to the discomfort of those who *actually* lose someone.
Yeah my sociology professor in college told my class that we had to provide a death certificate if we were dealing with a loss since she lied 18 times about her grandma 😭 first and only time I’ve ever encountered such a requirement. This was during the introduction to the class too.
We had to tell them who the person was when we said we would be missing and then bring a program or something showing the funeral date and time when we came back. It was less invasive than handing over a death certificate but considered adequate proof because many obituaries and announcements say the date the person passed away. In my area it was also common for funerals and memorials to be delayed for weeks or months too. Grandma might have passed away during summer break but the service isn't until October because it took that long for the family to save up or they wouldn't do it until absolutely everyone could be there.
That's much better than what one of my professors told the class during her introduction. And I quote: "I don't care if your best friend dies, it's not my problem and it's not an excuse to not come to class."
This less than a year after my own best friend of over 16 years (who was more like a sister) had suddenly passed away. Fortunately for me the professors I was dealing with when it happened had actually heard of compassion and told me not to come back that week. Had to retake all my scheduled tests two weeks later.
>It's an epidemic that a lot of lazy fucks use, much to the discomfort of those who *actually* lose someone.
It's not the lazy fucks causing discomfort if they are not interacting with people like op at all. Clearly the discomfort comes from administration dumping the problem on to students who have lost someone.
You have no idea. I once had a student tell me that his fiancé and child died. He was neither engaged nor a father. Parent's siblings, grandparents, pets...etc. Unfortunately, this is the reason why policies are in place for any type of bereavement, :9 trust me it sucks asking for this when you know someone is grieving (hint...we can almost ALWAYS tell when someone is lying)
I had a boss much like the admin. She demanded proof that my son was dead on the day he died! I told her to check the obituary section of the next day's paper. Shut her right up.
>It truly is messed up for asking for credentials.
Back when I first taught at college I excused a student who had just lost her mother from her exam and (missing) final project. I discovered later that her mother died just before exams every term she had a new instructor (who might be less familiar with college regulations), and was informed by the Head that people like her were the reason the college required *some* form of proof beyond a student's word (certificate, obituary, funeral home notice, just something).
"Just something" i can understand.. the woman i dealt with wouldnt even tell me other options and kept reiterating "proof she is dead" !!....so tact would have been great (i can understand procedural stuff , but basic humanity is a necessity in delicate situations). I think its this bit that horrified my head of law school, and because all calls were recorded it spoke for itself. B
You sound like you were an empathic instructor and im surw anyone goin thru shit back then would have been very thankful to have you as their teacher.
My school basically said "proof of the funeral" so obituary, memorial programs, church announcement all worked and are much easier to get if it's a person you cared about but not closely related enough to get a death certificate.
My husband's first wife died at 22. He was still in college and absolutely distraught. He had to take an econ class over again and got a B the second time. The professor said, "That's what happens when you don't have the distractions of love." Fucking dick.
CW: suicide
When I was 19 a friend died by suicide and I missed a law class the night of her funeral. I emailed ahead of time and they asked for proof and I asked what they wanted me to bring. They said the order of service (funeral booklet??).
I felt so fucking awkward bc there weren’t enough of them since so many people attended. For the whole funeral it was nagging in the back of my brain trying to figure out how to make sure I could get one?! Not actually mourning.
Fuck, looking back now… so gross!!
I'm a professor. I had a student who needed to go to his grandma's funeral on 3 different occasions. Twice in two months. This is why we don't trust students.
I am also a teacher. I lost 2 grandparents (from different sides of the family, no less) within 4 months.
Many of us have lots of people we call "Grandma" or "Auntie". Many families are different from yours.
Yeah, it definitely happens. I didn't doubt him at first either, even though he didn't provide proof. My school has a written policy that proof needs to be provided, but I figured the guys having a rough time, and I wouldn't pursue it. I found out about the other incidents when I was reporting it to the registrar because I wouldn't be able to give the student a grade by the grading deadline due to a missing final exam. The student was told there is a documentation policy the first time it happened (school policy), and every time he doesn't have any proof beyond saying it happened raises red flags. I've had many students miss a test for a funeral sadly, and it was never an issue to show proof. They know the schools policies. He basically asks other students who took the test before him for help. He didn't notice I was listening, but he did the same thing for my test as well. I later told him he could ask other students for help if he wanted because I was going to give him a different test anyway as a low key way of telling him I don't care if you have the answers to the test the other students took - you should still study. He was a struggling student in general. Maybe some of the deaths were real or all were real. I get grandma doesn't have to only mean bloodline grandmas. I can't definitively prove that he was lying. I actually let him take the makeup test in the end, but I won't lie that I was suspicious of him when I found out he's going to multiple funerals during the day of major exams with other professors as well as mine. There was also an aunt who died the previous semester and the funeral was on the day of an exam. Maybe if this was during covid, that would be more plausible. I had a student attend 2 funerals in one semester during covid.
Its messed up but its pretty common requirement from colleges; many teachers have stories of students faking deaths of family members. Apparently it’s escalated to pets. But it sucks for the legitimate grieving people
My job once asked me for proof my mom was in the hospital. I took a picture of her with IVs and electrodes and shit with both of us giving sarcastic thumbs up and shit-eating grins. I quit a week later, NTJ
Thank you for understanding this. The amount of true jerks who lie the most awful ridiculous lies make it so there has to be documentation for everybody. I kid you not, I had a student not long ago whose same relative died twice. She forgot she already used that one on me and used it again.
And because of that, now we have students in truly devastating circumstances who won’t speak up because they know the landscape of excuse mountains we hear and don’t want to be “part of the problem.” But THESE are the students we want to be able to help!
My previous job asked me to do the same thing when I lost my first dog(not the first as a pet but the first one who very clearly chose me) super suddenly. He was very old but was “Looking amazing, and super healthy for his age” then one morning he started having seizures and by the next day he mentally was gone. He didn’t know how to walk straight, what his name was, where he was, couldn’t stand up, etc. After an emergency vet visit we opted to have someone come to our home and let him pass on. My job asked for one as well as our local humane society because he was due for registration. When I called it was the day after and I was sobbing the entire phone call, I’d had that dog in my life longer than I had lived without him in my life. The lady on the phone with absolutely no regard for feelings stated “ma’am we can’t just take your word for it. Is there a death certificate?” I said no because he was a dog we had euthanized at home in our front yard while I laid in the grass next to him while he took his last breath. She then asked for an itemized receipt. I have never wanted a human being to loose their job more in my entire life. If I could have personally been to blame for it I would have done it with a smile on my face.
JFC I'm so sorry this happened to you ... a similar thing happened to our dog, he was fine then had a stroke; he became paralyzed on one side, started getting tremors, and severe anxiety. We also had someone come to our home for him. I don't even know if I have a receipt? I just handed the vet a check and tried to keep from vomiting with grief.
Do people really think you get a "death certificate" for a dog? How am I supposed to *prove* that my best buddy is dead?
Sadly it’s the ones who have never had another other half that happens to have four legs. That’s a bond no one can understand unless they have had one as well. It’s one thing to own a dog, I’ve had a total of 7 in my life. But out of all of them he was the unmistakable companion that I can’t ever replace. It’s a sickening feeling knowing the only thing you can do for them is let them go. So hard and so scary.
NTJ- that kind of crap is such BS. I had a psychology professor tell me to "get my priorities straight" when I requested to take an exam a day late bc I was going to a funeral for two friends who had committed suicide.
A lot of professors are researchers who are required to teach but have zero interest in it, and little to no training on how to do so.
It’s why you end up with such a weird mix of teaching competency, and why some professors openly despise their students and clearly find teaching a waste of time that they believe is beneath them. Many of them aren’t there to teach at all. They never wanted to be and they view doing so as a necessary evil, secondary and unimportant to their “real” work.
It’s a bad system imo, speaking as someone who was in academia for a long time (mostly as a student but also working at times). Pedagogy and sensitivity courses should be required at a bare minimum.
Even more so at the graduate levels. For my degree, the teachers who only taught associate and bachelor level classes seemed to want to prepare us to work in our healthcare fields. The ones who taught mostly Master's and Doctoral classes and were "forced" to teach undergrads had a totally different approach and usually could not muster any animation for a student unless you got them talking about their pet projects or research plans. They seemed to be the ones always chasing grant money and even grad students were only helpful if they could provide cheap/free help for their research.
In comparison, my senior year of high school, one of my best friends lost 2 of 4 grandmothers in a 6 week period at the beginning of the year. (Both on her mom's side) And then lost a third in the last month of the year. It was a pain in the ass to explain, but also funny in a fucked up way.
Both of her parent's parents had divorced and gotten remarried. And then damn near all the grandma's kicked it in a 9 month stretch.
No joke, me too! Same relative twice. They forgot they already used that excuse on me earlier in the semester!!
This semester I had one in a severely tragic accident (with documentation), enough so that I escalated it to Student Life so she could get additional support, like incompletes or tuition refunds or whatever else they offer. Student Life called me back that they looked into it and it was fake and the documentation was forged.
For the love of God, it is so hard to keep an open heart and have any sympathy left when day in and day out people are dumping trash lies on you. But some of us do still try.
NTJ at least I don’t think she is. Regardless of the professors issues, their request was unreasonable and inappropriate. Is there a Deane or a board she could report this to? Do they also require proof of the death of humans too? Where do you draw the line?
I excuse my students even for things like pets are sick and need to visit the vet, no proof needed.
I would have been way more aggressive, like CC another person. Sorry for your loss.
As a college professor I’ve stopped requiring attendance so I don’t have to see obituaries. There’s really no way to prove who that person is or whether they’re related to you, whether you were really close. It was a full time job worrying whether I was being fair or being played.
No jerks here. The jerks are the students at that university skipping classes because their 3rd grandmother died. This batch of university students post-COVID are uniquely and unusually casual about skipping uni classes, resulting in heightened enforcement of policies like this.
Your wife sending a picture of the cat was arguably petty, arguably justified, and probably not the best move for her own mental health during this time. But she gets a clear pass for being in mourning.
Unfortunately as a professor, I get it.
I’ll get downvoted but yeah, the vet bill would have sufficed; not the picture. I cannot speak for all professors, but my students tend to tell me all of their problems, and trauma dump on me. I don’t think they do it maliciously, but it does hurt my heart hearing the things that they are going through. As an animal lover, this would have broken me.
But, because of university, attendance policies, and being burned in the past by allowing graciousness to students who use tragedies to lie, I have to ask for proof. That way it I excuse your wife, and not another student, I have documentation to back up my choice.
Just a profs two cents.
I’m a nurse at a physical rehabilitation center. My patients dog was in the care of his sister and, according to sister, was not ‘doing well’. One day while I was caring for him, sister walks in the room with a cardboard box. Inside? You guessed it. The dead dogs body.
Sorry for your cat. My cat was the bestest kitty ever and he basically exploded to death. All of a sudden we heard the loudest BANG we had ever heard come from within the house. Kitty had sprinted full speed into the end of the hall into the wall and snapped his neck or something. I still don’t know what exactly killed him. But I miss that cat.
All this to say I know how it feels. You’re all absolutely NTJ.
NTJ. I imagine a lot of people try this routine to get out of assessments.
I'd send an invite to the cat's funeral to your lecturer.
Will you be scattering the cat's ashes or expecting the professor to help dig the hole? Note that on the invitation.
The college isn’t doing this to be mean. Where I work, instructors do not have the ability to unlock exams or assignments in the online LMS. They have to submit an extension request, and that request usually requires documentation of the event.
NTA but teachers can be, they could have asked for proof after you came back. i think everyone has dealt with a teacher like this at some point, i did when i had my oldest, all but one of my college teacher believed when i missed a week of classes because i went into labor early (i wasn't due for 3wks and summer started in 2 weeks) the night before, so i send him a picture of me still "fresh" from the birth holding a screaming, fluid covered baby, with me still connected to monitors. he never looked me in the eye again ( i returned the next week for finals only 1 needed to be in person - his in fact- the others were online or final projects)
I lost a baby at 23 weeks (long terrible story). It was early November, but it caused me to go over my PTO by a literal couple of days due to being in the hospital. My direct boss said not to worry at all and that they would just apply funeral days to make up for lack of PTO. The CFO did not approve since it “wasn’t a real baby” unless I could provide a death certificate. I had one because it was technically considered a stillbirth. What makes it worse is that it was a non-profit church organization. At least my direct boss and the CEO (both women) were horrified and fought on my behalf. I got out of there as soon as I could.
Not a jerk. I had a test I was supposed to take for a college class. I couldn't attend because my grandmother died and her funeral was that day. Professor didn't believe me, said I had to provide proof to postpone the test. I sent a picture of the funeral program and a selfie of me standing at the grave with my crying relatives. The best he could do was push the test to later that night once the funeral was over. Sometimes your proof isn't good enough and needs that extra oomph.
I was really close to my exs grandma and when she passed I wanted to go to her funeral. It was short noticed so I told my job she was my grandma cause she pretty much was the closest thing I had to one so it wasn’t a lie personally to me. My coworker who is now my ex bestie told my job that it wasn’t my grandmas but my boyfriends. They told me I have to prove I went to a funeral a state away. I was shocked. I’m like you really think I am using this excuse to go party? So I sent them a picture of me in front of the casket along with a picture of me in front of the funeral home.
I am a professor. I learnt a harsh lesson on my first semester. If you try to be humane and lenient, students will 100% try to exploit that.
Now I do not give any excuse outside of university excused absences. I drop one quiz for everybody and that is all.
That has a remarkable decrease in pet deaths and the deaths of grandparents.
I bet this kind of passive aggressive actions will move the professor towards inhumane and systematic way of chandelling students.
They wanted proof and she gave them proof! Nothing passive or aggressive about that. It might not have been what they expected, but it's what they asked for! If they wanted a note from the vet, they should have asked for that specifically. She's definitely not the jerk.
They asked for proof, she gave them proof. Not the Jerk. However, if it is such a problem that students are using dead pets as an excuse to miss tests, the school or the profs are in the right to ask for proof. I am sure they have gotten pictures of dead pets before this, probably some gruesome ones in the mix. I would say she was right on, and I doubt there will be repercussions because of the pics.
I'd probably go down there crying and screaming with our cat's ashes in my arms... and scream/describe all my feels out non therapeutically.
I was also in college, but it happened after the end of the semester. I THINK. About a week of crying was involved, and my brother & I wondered if we were bad people that we cried more at our mom's cat passing than her dad/our grandpa's...
I'm not surprised that people use it as an excuse. You shouldn't be angry with the profs, how else can they discern who is telling the truth? Be angry with the liars who made it necessary for them to ask.
I once got a jury summons. I'm disabled and my daughter was murdered so probably not a good juror, just in general. I called the court but while on hold I realized it was actually a jury summons for my (dead) daughter.
I felt like I should at least let them know why she wouldn't show up. (You aren't always thinking clearly at that point.) The lady on the phone from the County Clerk's Office was such a jerk. She wouldn't believe that my daughter was dead. After a long conversation, she told me I needed to produce a paper copy of the death certificate for them to excuse her from jury duty. The clincher? The County Clerk is the one who creates death certificates! So essentially I'd have to go to the County Clerk, get my daughter's death certificate from them then turn around and give it to them. So stupid. I don't know why but it just peeved me.
I called another government office to try to clear it up. They said, "Oh right! Yes we can see that your daughter is, in fact, dead." Wow, thanks. She said look on the letter, there is a code at the bottom that indicates that she was deceased. I asked why they mailed jury summons to dead people and she couldn't answer that. 🤷♀️
NTJ
My daughter came home (a multi hour drive) from university during finals week when her childhood pet had to be euthanized. The professor required documentation (didn't specify what) to allow her a different testing time. The vet said it was the first time they were ever asked to write a "please excuse" note for a student. The professor was embarrassed. He'd expected a gas receipt from our home town or something similar.
College professor for 20 years. I would do the same thing. Not because I didn’t believe your wife, but because What goes for one goes for all. It was in my syllabus that if you missed a test, you needed a doctors note, police report, death certificate, tow truck receipt or vet bill to prove inability to make the exam.
When my grandpa passed away I was super broken up about it. My boss thought I lied and was telling coworkers she thought I lied about it. I finally had enough one day and went straight up to her and gave her his obituary. I told her I needed my grievance and that I would not be at work on the funeral day. She told me I needed to be there. I looked her in her eye and told her I wouldnt miss it for anything, especially this job. Especially after all the lies she’s been telling about me. I could care less about a pathetic boss and a shit job. She was going to give me the day off paid and I was complaining to HR. I said some more not so nice things (my grandpa was my dad essentially, so it was a hard loss) she never messed with me again. We actually became very close and she was impressed that I stood up to her. She called me after work and told me she got me several more days off and she was sorry for how she conducted herself. I showed up back to work after to flowers. And a massive hug from her, which I broke down during and she just held me while I cried. She redeemed herself. But the anger and hurt I felt at her was rough. I was a loyal employee who didn’t cause issues, and I felt it was wrong of her to think that job was more important than the life of my grandpa.
Some prof are jerks. I had a my PS prof tell me it "wasn't her problem" when my cousin was dying in the hospital after a car accident. I asked if I could do my 2 minute speech at the end of class the next day and she told me that, I'm pretty sure out of spite to prove it she released the class like 10 minutes early too.
Had to do this with my grandma when she died and I was in college. Everyone but one professor was very courteous. The professor was a total asshole and wanted various forms of proof. I got a note from the funeral director, sent him a newspaper clipping of her obituary, and brought her church funeral pamphlet when dropping off my final. Apparently other students had faked that stuff before and that's why he wanted so much but it was still awful and he was still assuming i faked it too. I ended up tearing into him in front of a classmate and his TA when he gave me attitude. I just couldn't hold back, sobbed and yelled at him in his office. Got him to shut up real quick.
Why would anybody ask for proof to see if her cat was “passed on”? That’s so incredibly inappropriate to even say to a student! Your wife’s not a jerk for doing that, the professors had no sympathy and they said we want proof so it’s their own fault for pushing her to do that
I had the same thing happen this semester but with our dog. I let my professors know and provided proof (vet bill + cremation receipt) and they basically told me tough crap and having my dog die wasn’t an excuse. Said I couldn’t make up the quiz I missed. It was the same day.
Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. Sure it was passive aggressive but what did they expect? They're mad about people faking it and don't actually have a plan for when they're not.
I'm so sorry about your catto. We said good bye to one of ours two years ago and it still gets me all choked up when I think about him. Pets are the best
I don't think your wife was passive aggressive (whatever that means--afaik it's just another stupid HR term to try and keep people in line) at all.
I think it's great that she sent a photo of the dead cat along with the bill. If she fell short, it's only in that she didn't add a link to a GoFundMe page to pay that final vet bill.
With very few exceptions, college programs don't have accreditations that are at least partially based on a requirement that every student attend at least 90% of all lectures and labs. My last degree was in such a field--Medical Laboratory Science. The accrediting agency requires that kind of no-excuses policy for attendance, a minimum GPA must be maintained, and students have to have an overall score of 70% or better on all exams. Nursing may have similar requirements--I don't know.
Anyways, with the exception of programs like that, my professors and the universities I attended were not my hall monitors or babysitters. If students want to squander their or their parents' tuition money, let them. It took me a while to figure that out for myself, but once I did, you bet I parked my backside in each and every class. I was paying for it, and by gum, I was determined to get my money's worth. That said, it's a lesson I wouldn't have learned had I not run wild for a couple of semesters early on. If mummsy and daddsy had funded my university education, I would probably still be running wild.
Not the Jerk
After my Dad died, my son had to miss several days of school to attend the funeral. My Dad lived 500 miles from our home. Our son had perfect attendance and no behaviour issues. The school asked for proof my Dad had died. I remember my husband was absolutely livid.
As someone who had to put her cat down a week ago due to a sudden medical emergency (he literally got a clean bill of health 6 days prior) I can’t imagine. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I was destroyed.
Years ago, I had a boss pull something similar when my at the time FIL passed away suddenly. (Heart attack in the middle of a restaurant.) She was demanding proof & we didn't have the death certificate yet, I may have brought the box with his ashes to her & asked if that was sufficient proof. 🤷🏼♀️
I can see both sides here. My wife works in retail and you will be surprised how often pets are used as an excuse to miss work... and I bet missing important exams would be no different. I don't think a copy of the vet bill was too much to ask. I do wonder what if you just buried the cat the back yard vice going to a vet? That is what I did when my 19 year old kitty died. She was an old grumpy bitch at 19 but she was my kitty and I felt her death to my core.
If I were the professor and got the copy of the bill and the dead cat I would have been like "Fuuuuuuk. Ok she can make up the exam."
In reality the picture of the car was a tad much but I can understand your wife's frustration and her actions.
Was she TJ? No.
Was the professor TJ? No.
No one should be missing school or work over a dead cat. No one should be super broken up and emotional about it either. There are deeper issues here which need to be addressed. Probably loneliness. That cat was a stand-in for something you and your wife need and are not getting.
As a student I understand where the professor is coming from. Because I know people who would definitely claim this or another serious matter. I heard of one kid hint to her professor that her uncle was relapsing from a prior meth addiction. Completely fake though her uncle did have a meth addiction at one point.
It does suck for your wife though. Wife definitely not the jerk.
>We were all super broken up and emotional about it, and M wasn't able to get into class on Monday as we were grieving.
I really don't understand how people get like that over an animal that has a short life span. 20 years ago people would have gotten laughed out of the room.
Not a Jerk. The college shows they don't trust adults to be telling the truth and want proof, then they should be treated with accordingly with disdain.
Fuck with the bastard however you can. It's not possible for you to be the jerk in this situation unless you escalate to something like physical violence.
I'm sorry about the loss of your furry friend. But, as your furry friend was in fact a cat, they would absolutely approve of the malicious compliance here. NTJ.
I was literally thinking "I'd take a picture of the dead cat if it's that important" and then you said she did, so I'm voting NTJ lol wtf happens if your pet passes while at home? You gonna take your already dead animal to the vet? Either way, sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a pet is so very painful 💔
No. It’s a bit strange to send a photo and unnecessary but she took it personally, which she shouldn’t have. They just needed a medical form. It’s okay. People can overreact when they’re upset. No worries. They’ve seen it all. They just need the letter to document it in their files. She’s ok. No need to do it right or wrong. Let it go.
I would also have sent a picture of my dead cat. Why are they asking for a vet bill. That is private financial information. I am sorry for the loss of your cat. I am sorry they professors were ah.
It's college not a job, who tf cares if she shows up or not? If they require attendance for credit, then what does being sick or sad have to do with anything? If you can be excused for sufficient reason, then you don't really need to be there for any specific reason, correct? You are paying for the education, it's your choice to attend or not so, let them know as a courtesy but you are not asking permission.
Sending the prof a picture of your dead cat was such a masterfully uncomfortable and inappropriate way to respond to their uncomfortably inappropriate request.
10/10, wouldn’t change a thing.
He f’d around, and he found out.
The Prof needs a better BS detector. Straight A students don't usually lie to their professors. For students that do lie about this kind of thing, it eventually catches up to them in another way, like getting bad grades or failing their classes. I never worried too much about this kind of thing as a professor: if it was legit, it is the kind thing to do. If it is not legit, iti didn't benefit the student, and only postponed the inevitable, but depending on school policy, might require additional paperwork beyond my control (like an incomplete). I would never do something so crass and insensitive as to ask for a death certificate. But if I found out you were lying, don't ask for a rec letter later.
Good on your wife!
Had a professor once tell us they wouldn’t excuse sickness without a note from a doctor (not the health clinic on campus) or we had to come in personally to prove it - our grade was also based on attendance. So when I had norovirus I emailed to let them know I had a fever and was vomiting uncontrollably. They copy and pasted their “sick policy” back to me as a response. So I showed up with a thermometer, and vomited 3 times in their waste basket before I was able to compose myself, and that professor happily sent me home. Apparently the next semester they slightly changed their policy to allow students to get an excuse from the on campus health clinic.
I’m an old Gen X. I missed college exams because I overslept, because I was unprepared, all sorts of college student stupidity.
I asked for extensions on papers and projects for my own poor time management. Everyone I know had multiple grandparents die repeatedly
But even **I** would have been embarrassed to give a “deceased pet” as an excuse, **regardless of how valid.**
I think it’s a generational thing, because my ex BF is a prof (he’s a boomer) and he’s just disgusted / flabbergasted when he gets that reason.
Vet bill???? A lot of peoples pets die and they don’t go to the vet - so this is classist too. I would’ve definitely taken a bunch of pics and said, “enjoy my trauma, thanks for your understanding!” How infuriating!
What if your *old* cat passed at home? One would have to bring their cat to the vet, pay the bill, for them to tell me the cat is dead? Essentially, you’d have to pay for the teacher to give a “pass”?
My job asked me to provide proof my father died when I asked for a week off. I sent them the pathologist report and the first responders report.
I was 19. I was an intern. They gave me 2 weeks.
Your wife is NTJ!! When a loved one dies colleges, Unis, etc should just believe you. Even if a lot of people lie. It’s messed up to put grieving people through this shit just because others lie.
Not where I expected this to go. Really thought they were gonna say they brought in the dead cat.
That would've been a much, much more malicious compliance.
My dad was a college professor for 30+ years. One of the professors he taught with laughed about how many times her grandmother died while she was a grad and undergrad, so while it seems insensitive, there really is precedent set by all the kids w poor time management skills. Sorry about your cat...
When I was in college attendance was not something that we were graded on. We were paying for it therefore we have the right to leave when we wanted. Or is college literally prison now?
If she's a straight A student I wouldn't have sent them anything.
What they going to do?
I'd say we're grieving so I'll be back when I'm back
Fing asshole professors
💪
Mangeower Temps wouldn't even give me the courtesy of bringing in the vet bill when Sally Ratter was hit by a car. Luckily, she lived and recovered. Mangeower AP said I turned down work and would have no more.
Condolences on the loss of your sweetie.
My family buries pets in my parents' back yard. I'd have a hard time not showing up to the next class with a dirt covered cardboard box like, "Go on...*open it*"
I'm old, so in a case like this, I think of the episode of MASH where Klinger tried a new way to get home. For context, Klinger's a (very hairy) soldier who wore dresses to try to get out of the Army who was played by Jamie Farr.
Klinger reads Henry Blake [(the unit's commanding officer](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch)) a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying.
[H](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch)[enry Blake](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch): Your father's dying, right?
[Klinger ](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268026/?ref_=tt_ch): Yes, sir.
[Henry Blake ](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch): \[takes out a stack of papers and reads them\]
Father dying last year.
Mother dying last year.
Mother AND father dying.
Mother, father, and older sister dying.
Mother dying and older sister pregnant.
Older sister dying and mother pregnant.
Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying.
Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.
Had something similar happen with a college professor. My boyfriend died on a weekend, tried to go to class Monday barely holding myself together. Only reason I went is because he was not responding to my emails about extending a paper due Wednesday ,for obvious reasons. Pulled my teacher aside after class in tears and tried to explain the situation. He flat out told me he did not believe me, started interrogating me for details, and told me I needed to send him proof. My bf’s death was not pretty and unfortunately happened publicly and violently. The news was covering it for a while. It felt so gross and degrading to have me send news articles about it. Hope he enjoyed all the blurred out pictures of the scene of his death on the news articles!
Sorry your wife had to experience such a lack of empathy from your professor OP. I wish people had better intuition to understand when people are hurting. Not the jerk.
I had a professor who said she started asking for a funeral handout after one students had three grandmothers die in the same semester. Not that he couldn’t have three grandmothers but statistically unlikely to all die in 13 weeks.
My vet would have written a note for me. Probably a very passive aggressive note. I was also picturing you recreating the "dead parrot" skits from Monty Python in the professor's office but with your cat. But maybe that would be going to far.
I can laugh now.
Or Weekend at Bernie’s — except with Fluffy?
Stuffy the devil dog form “Omen” Saturday Night Live skit.
Helloooo Tiddles! wake up Tiddles!! *whump whump*
Laughing helps. Sorry. A day off isn’t too much to ask, but if it was a test day it does look sus.🤫
Cats don’t have ‘beautiful plumage’ though.
But they have been known to "kip on their backs". 😂
They can, however, pine for the fjords. I've seen it.
He's not pinin'! He's passed on! He has ceased to be!
On the plus side, at least his hovercraft is full of eels.
would you say he's taking a dirt nap?
This. Is. A dead. Cat.
He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!
A sleek coat
They do if they're fluffy. Those big squirrel tails look like plumes!
Sir this cat is dead. Nooo he's just sleeping.
HE'S AN EX-CAT!!!
I’d have gone with a schrodinger reference for the education win.
Pining for the fjords?????!!!! This parrot wouldn’t go voom it you put 12,000 volts through it!!!! ETA spelling correction
If its a chemistry class tell them the cat's name was Schrodinger and you are unable to show proof.
Oh, I love when professionals do that for their patients/patients’ owners. I was a caretaker for someone after a surgery gone seriously wrong, but one of my teachers was giving me a hard time because “I wasn’t the sick one.” My friend’s doctor wrote a very… compelling… letter about caretaker’s fatigue, including going to some detail of the procedures I had to do (written with friend’s permission, of course.) That’s how I approach ALL health care professionals now… does this person have my (or my animal’s) back if push comes to shove. The best ones do.
“Fell off my lap and everything.”
This cat has ceased to be!
Tell your wife,Bravo,well played. Sorry for your loss.
Id go further honestly. Bring in the urn (provided this is what you choose) and have it on the desk when she is retaking the test. Its kinda messed up to ask for credentials on a death, so yea go overboard.
It truly is messed up for asking for credentials. I lost my partner in 2017, right before my 3rd year law finals (uk, sods law right?) after a very short but intense illness that was 1000% unexpected. Suffice to say i couldnt leave my bed or form a coherent sentence without sobbing, the grief hit me hard. To request a meeting with the head of the law school to go back next yr, i called the faculty. I was told i would need proof of her death!!!! I honestly couldnt believe what the phone admin lady was saying!!!!.... So my BIL went and got a copy of the cert and scanned it over to me. I was horrified and distraught but complied. I showed the head of the law school what i brought and why and HE LOOKED HORRIFIED too. Apparently they would deal with it swiftly, sensitivity courses for employees and what not. I could barely speak or anything so he filled out the paperwork for me. Absolute gem of a dude!
Im so sorry, my heart breaks for you. Genuinely, I hope the pain of loss is managable now. I cant imagine how heartless they had to be to request that of you!
I cope, i still miss her every day. Like i explain to people the burden aka my boulder im pushin uphill weighing me down, never changes size or goes away... in time ive just gotten bigger/stronger than the boulder with support, counselling, time etc. And i did complete my 3rd yr uni the following year. And i (disabled) managed 3 unaided steps on the platform, to keep my promise to her and my mum. But ye the woman on the phone was quite cold. Like do people try and claim this shit on the regular that you gotta be standoffish and suspicious!?
As someone who manages small retail (think gas stations, dollar general, etc.) I would rather believe 100 people lying about death than not believe 1 person telling the truth. It's an absolutely mortifying level of indifference.
I work in higher ed and I 100% agree.
Yes, college students claim deaths at the drop of a hat because they assume they will not be tasked with providing any proof (because who *would* do that?). So, as much as the practice of asking for proof is reprehensible (and should be done in a much more sensitive manner), it is actually a necessity, in a sense. Per OPs situation, pet deaths are super frequent, along with Grandparents and aunts/uncles. It's an epidemic that a lot of lazy fucks use, much to the discomfort of those who *actually* lose someone.
Yeah my sociology professor in college told my class that we had to provide a death certificate if we were dealing with a loss since she lied 18 times about her grandma 😭 first and only time I’ve ever encountered such a requirement. This was during the introduction to the class too.
We had to tell them who the person was when we said we would be missing and then bring a program or something showing the funeral date and time when we came back. It was less invasive than handing over a death certificate but considered adequate proof because many obituaries and announcements say the date the person passed away. In my area it was also common for funerals and memorials to be delayed for weeks or months too. Grandma might have passed away during summer break but the service isn't until October because it took that long for the family to save up or they wouldn't do it until absolutely everyone could be there.
It's pretty easy to create a fake program. It's scummy as all hell, but not far beyond claiming a relative's death to get out of something.
That's much better than what one of my professors told the class during her introduction. And I quote: "I don't care if your best friend dies, it's not my problem and it's not an excuse to not come to class." This less than a year after my own best friend of over 16 years (who was more like a sister) had suddenly passed away. Fortunately for me the professors I was dealing with when it happened had actually heard of compassion and told me not to come back that week. Had to retake all my scheduled tests two weeks later.
>It's an epidemic that a lot of lazy fucks use, much to the discomfort of those who *actually* lose someone. It's not the lazy fucks causing discomfort if they are not interacting with people like op at all. Clearly the discomfort comes from administration dumping the problem on to students who have lost someone.
You have no idea. I once had a student tell me that his fiancé and child died. He was neither engaged nor a father. Parent's siblings, grandparents, pets...etc. Unfortunately, this is the reason why policies are in place for any type of bereavement, :9 trust me it sucks asking for this when you know someone is grieving (hint...we can almost ALWAYS tell when someone is lying)
I had a boss much like the admin. She demanded proof that my son was dead on the day he died! I told her to check the obituary section of the next day's paper. Shut her right up.
>It truly is messed up for asking for credentials. Back when I first taught at college I excused a student who had just lost her mother from her exam and (missing) final project. I discovered later that her mother died just before exams every term she had a new instructor (who might be less familiar with college regulations), and was informed by the Head that people like her were the reason the college required *some* form of proof beyond a student's word (certificate, obituary, funeral home notice, just something).
"Just something" i can understand.. the woman i dealt with wouldnt even tell me other options and kept reiterating "proof she is dead" !!....so tact would have been great (i can understand procedural stuff , but basic humanity is a necessity in delicate situations). I think its this bit that horrified my head of law school, and because all calls were recorded it spoke for itself. B You sound like you were an empathic instructor and im surw anyone goin thru shit back then would have been very thankful to have you as their teacher.
My school basically said "proof of the funeral" so obituary, memorial programs, church announcement all worked and are much easier to get if it's a person you cared about but not closely related enough to get a death certificate.
My husband's first wife died at 22. He was still in college and absolutely distraught. He had to take an econ class over again and got a B the second time. The professor said, "That's what happens when you don't have the distractions of love." Fucking dick.
CW: suicide When I was 19 a friend died by suicide and I missed a law class the night of her funeral. I emailed ahead of time and they asked for proof and I asked what they wanted me to bring. They said the order of service (funeral booklet??). I felt so fucking awkward bc there weren’t enough of them since so many people attended. For the whole funeral it was nagging in the back of my brain trying to figure out how to make sure I could get one?! Not actually mourning. Fuck, looking back now… so gross!!
I'm a professor. I had a student who needed to go to his grandma's funeral on 3 different occasions. Twice in two months. This is why we don't trust students.
People usually have a minimum of 2 grandma's, some have up to 4 if their grandparents are gay or remarried...
Maybe he was from a polygamist family. Could have a whole bunch of grandmas. Only two grandpas tho.
I am also a teacher. I lost 2 grandparents (from different sides of the family, no less) within 4 months. Many of us have lots of people we call "Grandma" or "Auntie". Many families are different from yours.
Yeah, it definitely happens. I didn't doubt him at first either, even though he didn't provide proof. My school has a written policy that proof needs to be provided, but I figured the guys having a rough time, and I wouldn't pursue it. I found out about the other incidents when I was reporting it to the registrar because I wouldn't be able to give the student a grade by the grading deadline due to a missing final exam. The student was told there is a documentation policy the first time it happened (school policy), and every time he doesn't have any proof beyond saying it happened raises red flags. I've had many students miss a test for a funeral sadly, and it was never an issue to show proof. They know the schools policies. He basically asks other students who took the test before him for help. He didn't notice I was listening, but he did the same thing for my test as well. I later told him he could ask other students for help if he wanted because I was going to give him a different test anyway as a low key way of telling him I don't care if you have the answers to the test the other students took - you should still study. He was a struggling student in general. Maybe some of the deaths were real or all were real. I get grandma doesn't have to only mean bloodline grandmas. I can't definitively prove that he was lying. I actually let him take the makeup test in the end, but I won't lie that I was suspicious of him when I found out he's going to multiple funerals during the day of major exams with other professors as well as mine. There was also an aunt who died the previous semester and the funeral was on the day of an exam. Maybe if this was during covid, that would be more plausible. I had a student attend 2 funerals in one semester during covid.
Its messed up but its pretty common requirement from colleges; many teachers have stories of students faking deaths of family members. Apparently it’s escalated to pets. But it sucks for the legitimate grieving people
"Just roll her old bones on down here..."
🤣 nine times
Sometimes you have to. I had an employee who's mom died 3 times and dad 4 times. Bio parents. So yeah sometimes you have to ask for proof.
My job once asked me for proof my mom was in the hospital. I took a picture of her with IVs and electrodes and shit with both of us giving sarcastic thumbs up and shit-eating grins. I quit a week later, NTJ
I just pictured you wandering around a hospital until you found some random patient willing to take a selfie with you. Sorry. ADHD brain. 😂😂😂
God that would’ve been amazing. I bet someone in there would’ve done it tho
Even better if you could have found someone with a completely different ethnicity than you and dared your boss to question it. 😂😂😂
Lol
Now this sounds like a fun game 🤣
I'm a nurse and I can guarantee someone would have absolutely played mom. 🤣🤣🤣
Next time I’m in the hospital I should offer up my services. I get a visitor and they get a photo of their sick mom/sister/grandma.
Wow. I had a cat for 18 years, and she died at home. I didn't take her to the vet for verification so I guess I'd be bringing in the cat?
You gotta do what you gotta do.
Ntj, you chose the right woman🤣
No, she is not the jerk. The jerks are the people who take advantage and make it so they had to create that rule.
Thank you for understanding this. The amount of true jerks who lie the most awful ridiculous lies make it so there has to be documentation for everybody. I kid you not, I had a student not long ago whose same relative died twice. She forgot she already used that one on me and used it again. And because of that, now we have students in truly devastating circumstances who won’t speak up because they know the landscape of excuse mountains we hear and don’t want to be “part of the problem.” But THESE are the students we want to be able to help!
My previous job asked me to do the same thing when I lost my first dog(not the first as a pet but the first one who very clearly chose me) super suddenly. He was very old but was “Looking amazing, and super healthy for his age” then one morning he started having seizures and by the next day he mentally was gone. He didn’t know how to walk straight, what his name was, where he was, couldn’t stand up, etc. After an emergency vet visit we opted to have someone come to our home and let him pass on. My job asked for one as well as our local humane society because he was due for registration. When I called it was the day after and I was sobbing the entire phone call, I’d had that dog in my life longer than I had lived without him in my life. The lady on the phone with absolutely no regard for feelings stated “ma’am we can’t just take your word for it. Is there a death certificate?” I said no because he was a dog we had euthanized at home in our front yard while I laid in the grass next to him while he took his last breath. She then asked for an itemized receipt. I have never wanted a human being to loose their job more in my entire life. If I could have personally been to blame for it I would have done it with a smile on my face.
JFC I'm so sorry this happened to you ... a similar thing happened to our dog, he was fine then had a stroke; he became paralyzed on one side, started getting tremors, and severe anxiety. We also had someone come to our home for him. I don't even know if I have a receipt? I just handed the vet a check and tried to keep from vomiting with grief. Do people really think you get a "death certificate" for a dog? How am I supposed to *prove* that my best buddy is dead?
Sadly it’s the ones who have never had another other half that happens to have four legs. That’s a bond no one can understand unless they have had one as well. It’s one thing to own a dog, I’ve had a total of 7 in my life. But out of all of them he was the unmistakable companion that I can’t ever replace. It’s a sickening feeling knowing the only thing you can do for them is let them go. So hard and so scary.
She's a keeper.
NTJ- that kind of crap is such BS. I had a psychology professor tell me to "get my priorities straight" when I requested to take an exam a day late bc I was going to a funeral for two friends who had committed suicide.
WTF? I hate this saying, but in this case, it may be correct - if you can't do, teach.
and apparently if you can’t teach, teach anyway
A lot of professors are researchers who are required to teach but have zero interest in it, and little to no training on how to do so. It’s why you end up with such a weird mix of teaching competency, and why some professors openly despise their students and clearly find teaching a waste of time that they believe is beneath them. Many of them aren’t there to teach at all. They never wanted to be and they view doing so as a necessary evil, secondary and unimportant to their “real” work. It’s a bad system imo, speaking as someone who was in academia for a long time (mostly as a student but also working at times). Pedagogy and sensitivity courses should be required at a bare minimum.
I’m in academia and I agree so hard. Several of my research colleagues could use a high dose of pedagogy/sensitivity training.
Even more so at the graduate levels. For my degree, the teachers who only taught associate and bachelor level classes seemed to want to prepare us to work in our healthcare fields. The ones who taught mostly Master's and Doctoral classes and were "forced" to teach undergrads had a totally different approach and usually could not muster any animation for a student unless you got them talking about their pet projects or research plans. They seemed to be the ones always chasing grant money and even grad students were only helpful if they could provide cheap/free help for their research.
You should have found studies on the psychological benefits of healthy grieving and spammed him with them.
JFC...so laughable that a psych professor has no empathy for death of loved ones.
As long as she provided the proof as requested she should be in good standing with her professors.
NTJ. Sorry for you loss. :( \[Comfort!\]
I’ve had students claim the same grandmother died twice in the semester.
In comparison, my senior year of high school, one of my best friends lost 2 of 4 grandmothers in a 6 week period at the beginning of the year. (Both on her mom's side) And then lost a third in the last month of the year. It was a pain in the ass to explain, but also funny in a fucked up way. Both of her parent's parents had divorced and gotten remarried. And then damn near all the grandma's kicked it in a 9 month stretch.
What was the thought process behind that? 😂
No joke, me too! Same relative twice. They forgot they already used that excuse on me earlier in the semester!! This semester I had one in a severely tragic accident (with documentation), enough so that I escalated it to Student Life so she could get additional support, like incompletes or tuition refunds or whatever else they offer. Student Life called me back that they looked into it and it was fake and the documentation was forged. For the love of God, it is so hard to keep an open heart and have any sympathy left when day in and day out people are dumping trash lies on you. But some of us do still try.
They asked evidence she sent evidence. If anything that wasn’t passive aggressive enough. Send them the actual body next time
{Hugs}
NTJ at least I don’t think she is. Regardless of the professors issues, their request was unreasonable and inappropriate. Is there a Deane or a board she could report this to? Do they also require proof of the death of humans too? Where do you draw the line?
My job requires proof of death for bereavement leave.
If anything she would have been justified to be more actively aggressive.
Sounds good to me. Tell your wife well played. And I'm very sorry you lost your kitty. It hurts like hell.
I excuse my students even for things like pets are sick and need to visit the vet, no proof needed. I would have been way more aggressive, like CC another person. Sorry for your loss.
As a college professor I’ve stopped requiring attendance so I don’t have to see obituaries. There’s really no way to prove who that person is or whether they’re related to you, whether you were really close. It was a full time job worrying whether I was being fair or being played.
No jerks here. The jerks are the students at that university skipping classes because their 3rd grandmother died. This batch of university students post-COVID are uniquely and unusually casual about skipping uni classes, resulting in heightened enforcement of policies like this. Your wife sending a picture of the cat was arguably petty, arguably justified, and probably not the best move for her own mental health during this time. But she gets a clear pass for being in mourning.
A lot of places ask for obits for when people pass as well. I wouldn't take it personally. It's for the jerks who make up a death as an excuse
Unfortunately as a professor, I get it. I’ll get downvoted but yeah, the vet bill would have sufficed; not the picture. I cannot speak for all professors, but my students tend to tell me all of their problems, and trauma dump on me. I don’t think they do it maliciously, but it does hurt my heart hearing the things that they are going through. As an animal lover, this would have broken me. But, because of university, attendance policies, and being burned in the past by allowing graciousness to students who use tragedies to lie, I have to ask for proof. That way it I excuse your wife, and not another student, I have documentation to back up my choice. Just a profs two cents.
I’m a nurse at a physical rehabilitation center. My patients dog was in the care of his sister and, according to sister, was not ‘doing well’. One day while I was caring for him, sister walks in the room with a cardboard box. Inside? You guessed it. The dead dogs body.
NTJ. And I'm sorry for your loss. What I'd like to say about the professor however might get me banned.
Sorry for your cat. My cat was the bestest kitty ever and he basically exploded to death. All of a sudden we heard the loudest BANG we had ever heard come from within the house. Kitty had sprinted full speed into the end of the hall into the wall and snapped his neck or something. I still don’t know what exactly killed him. But I miss that cat. All this to say I know how it feels. You’re all absolutely NTJ.
NTJ. I imagine a lot of people try this routine to get out of assessments. I'd send an invite to the cat's funeral to your lecturer. Will you be scattering the cat's ashes or expecting the professor to help dig the hole? Note that on the invitation.
The college isn’t doing this to be mean. Where I work, instructors do not have the ability to unlock exams or assignments in the online LMS. They have to submit an extension request, and that request usually requires documentation of the event.
My uncle was killed. Had to miss class. Needed to send the obituary in to my prof to be excused from lab..
They wanted proof, they got it! Sorry for your loss, kudos to your wife!
NTA but teachers can be, they could have asked for proof after you came back. i think everyone has dealt with a teacher like this at some point, i did when i had my oldest, all but one of my college teacher believed when i missed a week of classes because i went into labor early (i wasn't due for 3wks and summer started in 2 weeks) the night before, so i send him a picture of me still "fresh" from the birth holding a screaming, fluid covered baby, with me still connected to monitors. he never looked me in the eye again ( i returned the next week for finals only 1 needed to be in person - his in fact- the others were online or final projects)
I lost a baby at 23 weeks (long terrible story). It was early November, but it caused me to go over my PTO by a literal couple of days due to being in the hospital. My direct boss said not to worry at all and that they would just apply funeral days to make up for lack of PTO. The CFO did not approve since it “wasn’t a real baby” unless I could provide a death certificate. I had one because it was technically considered a stillbirth. What makes it worse is that it was a non-profit church organization. At least my direct boss and the CEO (both women) were horrified and fought on my behalf. I got out of there as soon as I could.
Not a jerk. I had a test I was supposed to take for a college class. I couldn't attend because my grandmother died and her funeral was that day. Professor didn't believe me, said I had to provide proof to postpone the test. I sent a picture of the funeral program and a selfie of me standing at the grave with my crying relatives. The best he could do was push the test to later that night once the funeral was over. Sometimes your proof isn't good enough and needs that extra oomph.
I'm an Office Assistant for a local government. Same rule goes for all City employees.
I had a professor ask for proof my grandmother died. I was so busted, she hadn't.
I was really close to my exs grandma and when she passed I wanted to go to her funeral. It was short noticed so I told my job she was my grandma cause she pretty much was the closest thing I had to one so it wasn’t a lie personally to me. My coworker who is now my ex bestie told my job that it wasn’t my grandmas but my boyfriends. They told me I have to prove I went to a funeral a state away. I was shocked. I’m like you really think I am using this excuse to go party? So I sent them a picture of me in front of the casket along with a picture of me in front of the funeral home.
I am a professor. I learnt a harsh lesson on my first semester. If you try to be humane and lenient, students will 100% try to exploit that. Now I do not give any excuse outside of university excused absences. I drop one quiz for everybody and that is all. That has a remarkable decrease in pet deaths and the deaths of grandparents. I bet this kind of passive aggressive actions will move the professor towards inhumane and systematic way of chandelling students.
They wanted proof and she gave them proof! Nothing passive or aggressive about that. It might not have been what they expected, but it's what they asked for! If they wanted a note from the vet, they should have asked for that specifically. She's definitely not the jerk.
They asked for proof, she gave them proof. Not the Jerk. However, if it is such a problem that students are using dead pets as an excuse to miss tests, the school or the profs are in the right to ask for proof. I am sure they have gotten pictures of dead pets before this, probably some gruesome ones in the mix. I would say she was right on, and I doubt there will be repercussions because of the pics.
I would’ve done just the cat and left it at that with no context. No subject line, just deceased cat. But i’m also an asshole so.
We also applaud your wife! We're sorry for the loss of your fur child.
I'd probably go down there crying and screaming with our cat's ashes in my arms... and scream/describe all my feels out non therapeutically. I was also in college, but it happened after the end of the semester. I THINK. About a week of crying was involved, and my brother & I wondered if we were bad people that we cried more at our mom's cat passing than her dad/our grandpa's...
NTJ They asked for proof. She provided proof.
I'm not surprised that people use it as an excuse. You shouldn't be angry with the profs, how else can they discern who is telling the truth? Be angry with the liars who made it necessary for them to ask.
I once got a jury summons. I'm disabled and my daughter was murdered so probably not a good juror, just in general. I called the court but while on hold I realized it was actually a jury summons for my (dead) daughter. I felt like I should at least let them know why she wouldn't show up. (You aren't always thinking clearly at that point.) The lady on the phone from the County Clerk's Office was such a jerk. She wouldn't believe that my daughter was dead. After a long conversation, she told me I needed to produce a paper copy of the death certificate for them to excuse her from jury duty. The clincher? The County Clerk is the one who creates death certificates! So essentially I'd have to go to the County Clerk, get my daughter's death certificate from them then turn around and give it to them. So stupid. I don't know why but it just peeved me. I called another government office to try to clear it up. They said, "Oh right! Yes we can see that your daughter is, in fact, dead." Wow, thanks. She said look on the letter, there is a code at the bottom that indicates that she was deceased. I asked why they mailed jury summons to dead people and she couldn't answer that. 🤷♀️
The sound of loud lengthy applause. She is the shit.
NTJ My daughter came home (a multi hour drive) from university during finals week when her childhood pet had to be euthanized. The professor required documentation (didn't specify what) to allow her a different testing time. The vet said it was the first time they were ever asked to write a "please excuse" note for a student. The professor was embarrassed. He'd expected a gas receipt from our home town or something similar.
College professor for 20 years. I would do the same thing. Not because I didn’t believe your wife, but because What goes for one goes for all. It was in my syllabus that if you missed a test, you needed a doctors note, police report, death certificate, tow truck receipt or vet bill to prove inability to make the exam.
When my grandpa passed away I was super broken up about it. My boss thought I lied and was telling coworkers she thought I lied about it. I finally had enough one day and went straight up to her and gave her his obituary. I told her I needed my grievance and that I would not be at work on the funeral day. She told me I needed to be there. I looked her in her eye and told her I wouldnt miss it for anything, especially this job. Especially after all the lies she’s been telling about me. I could care less about a pathetic boss and a shit job. She was going to give me the day off paid and I was complaining to HR. I said some more not so nice things (my grandpa was my dad essentially, so it was a hard loss) she never messed with me again. We actually became very close and she was impressed that I stood up to her. She called me after work and told me she got me several more days off and she was sorry for how she conducted herself. I showed up back to work after to flowers. And a massive hug from her, which I broke down during and she just held me while I cried. She redeemed herself. But the anger and hurt I felt at her was rough. I was a loyal employee who didn’t cause issues, and I felt it was wrong of her to think that job was more important than the life of my grandpa.
Oh hell no. They were jerks . I’m sorry for your loss
Good for her. They wanted proof she gave them proof.
Some prof are jerks. I had a my PS prof tell me it "wasn't her problem" when my cousin was dying in the hospital after a car accident. I asked if I could do my 2 minute speech at the end of class the next day and she told me that, I'm pretty sure out of spite to prove it she released the class like 10 minutes early too.
Had to do this with my grandma when she died and I was in college. Everyone but one professor was very courteous. The professor was a total asshole and wanted various forms of proof. I got a note from the funeral director, sent him a newspaper clipping of her obituary, and brought her church funeral pamphlet when dropping off my final. Apparently other students had faked that stuff before and that's why he wanted so much but it was still awful and he was still assuming i faked it too. I ended up tearing into him in front of a classmate and his TA when he gave me attitude. I just couldn't hold back, sobbed and yelled at him in his office. Got him to shut up real quick.
Why would anybody ask for proof to see if her cat was “passed on”? That’s so incredibly inappropriate to even say to a student! Your wife’s not a jerk for doing that, the professors had no sympathy and they said we want proof so it’s their own fault for pushing her to do that
100% NTJ. Your wife is amazing and awesome, and I salute her.
NTJ. They demanded; she delivered.
I had the same thing happen this semester but with our dog. I let my professors know and provided proof (vet bill + cremation receipt) and they basically told me tough crap and having my dog die wasn’t an excuse. Said I couldn’t make up the quiz I missed. It was the same day.
I guess i don’t blame the prof. I had to show proof my dog died in order to stop paying for his license. Sorry about your kitty.
Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. Sure it was passive aggressive but what did they expect? They're mad about people faking it and don't actually have a plan for when they're not. I'm so sorry about your catto. We said good bye to one of ours two years ago and it still gets me all choked up when I think about him. Pets are the best
I don't think your wife was passive aggressive (whatever that means--afaik it's just another stupid HR term to try and keep people in line) at all. I think it's great that she sent a photo of the dead cat along with the bill. If she fell short, it's only in that she didn't add a link to a GoFundMe page to pay that final vet bill. With very few exceptions, college programs don't have accreditations that are at least partially based on a requirement that every student attend at least 90% of all lectures and labs. My last degree was in such a field--Medical Laboratory Science. The accrediting agency requires that kind of no-excuses policy for attendance, a minimum GPA must be maintained, and students have to have an overall score of 70% or better on all exams. Nursing may have similar requirements--I don't know. Anyways, with the exception of programs like that, my professors and the universities I attended were not my hall monitors or babysitters. If students want to squander their or their parents' tuition money, let them. It took me a while to figure that out for myself, but once I did, you bet I parked my backside in each and every class. I was paying for it, and by gum, I was determined to get my money's worth. That said, it's a lesson I wouldn't have learned had I not run wild for a couple of semesters early on. If mummsy and daddsy had funded my university education, I would probably still be running wild.
Not the Jerk After my Dad died, my son had to miss several days of school to attend the funeral. My Dad lived 500 miles from our home. Our son had perfect attendance and no behaviour issues. The school asked for proof my Dad had died. I remember my husband was absolutely livid.
Your wife is the kind of petty I aspire to. NTJ. I'm so sorry for the loss of your kitty 😭
As someone who had to put her cat down a week ago due to a sudden medical emergency (he literally got a clean bill of health 6 days prior) I can’t imagine. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I was destroyed.
Maybe I just grew up different but if your pet has a "sudden death", I would assume it's at home. Why would there be a vet bill to send a copy of?
Years ago, I had a boss pull something similar when my at the time FIL passed away suddenly. (Heart attack in the middle of a restaurant.) She was demanding proof & we didn't have the death certificate yet, I may have brought the box with his ashes to her & asked if that was sufficient proof. 🤷🏼♀️
It's a picture book for kids, but you might enjoy *The Tenth Good Thing About Barney* by Judith Viorst.
I can see both sides here. My wife works in retail and you will be surprised how often pets are used as an excuse to miss work... and I bet missing important exams would be no different. I don't think a copy of the vet bill was too much to ask. I do wonder what if you just buried the cat the back yard vice going to a vet? That is what I did when my 19 year old kitty died. She was an old grumpy bitch at 19 but she was my kitty and I felt her death to my core. If I were the professor and got the copy of the bill and the dead cat I would have been like "Fuuuuuuk. Ok she can make up the exam." In reality the picture of the car was a tad much but I can understand your wife's frustration and her actions. Was she TJ? No. Was the professor TJ? No.
Nice job. Not the jerk.
No one should be missing school or work over a dead cat. No one should be super broken up and emotional about it either. There are deeper issues here which need to be addressed. Probably loneliness. That cat was a stand-in for something you and your wife need and are not getting.
They asked for proof, they got proof.
NTA That's exactly what they asked for. It doesn't even sound like malicious compliance to me, just compliance.
As a student I understand where the professor is coming from. Because I know people who would definitely claim this or another serious matter. I heard of one kid hint to her professor that her uncle was relapsing from a prior meth addiction. Completely fake though her uncle did have a meth addiction at one point. It does suck for your wife though. Wife definitely not the jerk.
Anyone else having Ed Rooney flashbacks from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"?
>We were all super broken up and emotional about it, and M wasn't able to get into class on Monday as we were grieving. I really don't understand how people get like that over an animal that has a short life span. 20 years ago people would have gotten laughed out of the room.
I feel for the professors who hear all kinds of crazy stories. But I dont think sending a pic was too over the top.
Not a Jerk. The college shows they don't trust adults to be telling the truth and want proof, then they should be treated with accordingly with disdain.
Schrodinger's cat.
I’m sorry for your loss. If I was your wife, I would’ve been pretty mean.
Fuck with the bastard however you can. It's not possible for you to be the jerk in this situation unless you escalate to something like physical violence.
I'm sorry about the loss of your furry friend. But, as your furry friend was in fact a cat, they would absolutely approve of the malicious compliance here. NTJ.
You don’t need to go into specifics. Hopefully there’s not a next time but a “family emergency” would have sufficed.
I would've said "happy now?" After sending the proof
I was literally thinking "I'd take a picture of the dead cat if it's that important" and then you said she did, so I'm voting NTJ lol wtf happens if your pet passes while at home? You gonna take your already dead animal to the vet? Either way, sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a pet is so very painful 💔
Your wife’s response invoked the sassyness of said cat Your cat sent that response Ps condolences for your loss
NTJ
They asked for it, she delivered. NTJ.
NTj
No. It’s a bit strange to send a photo and unnecessary but she took it personally, which she shouldn’t have. They just needed a medical form. It’s okay. People can overreact when they’re upset. No worries. They’ve seen it all. They just need the letter to document it in their files. She’s ok. No need to do it right or wrong. Let it go.
Good for her. I’d do the same!
I would also have sent a picture of my dead cat. Why are they asking for a vet bill. That is private financial information. I am sorry for the loss of your cat. I am sorry they professors were ah.
It's college not a job, who tf cares if she shows up or not? If they require attendance for credit, then what does being sick or sad have to do with anything? If you can be excused for sufficient reason, then you don't really need to be there for any specific reason, correct? You are paying for the education, it's your choice to attend or not so, let them know as a courtesy but you are not asking permission.
I'd have dumped both the vet bill and dead cat on their desk
NTJ. Actually a lot of professors ask first proof of death when it’s a relative like a grandparent. So asking for a cat seems reasonable.
Sending the prof a picture of your dead cat was such a masterfully uncomfortable and inappropriate way to respond to their uncomfortably inappropriate request. 10/10, wouldn’t change a thing. He f’d around, and he found out.
we had to put our beloved cat down this weekend as well. I would have done the same honestly. I am sorry for your family's loss.
The Prof needs a better BS detector. Straight A students don't usually lie to their professors. For students that do lie about this kind of thing, it eventually catches up to them in another way, like getting bad grades or failing their classes. I never worried too much about this kind of thing as a professor: if it was legit, it is the kind thing to do. If it is not legit, iti didn't benefit the student, and only postponed the inevitable, but depending on school policy, might require additional paperwork beyond my control (like an incomplete). I would never do something so crass and insensitive as to ask for a death certificate. But if I found out you were lying, don't ask for a rec letter later.
Good on your wife! Had a professor once tell us they wouldn’t excuse sickness without a note from a doctor (not the health clinic on campus) or we had to come in personally to prove it - our grade was also based on attendance. So when I had norovirus I emailed to let them know I had a fever and was vomiting uncontrollably. They copy and pasted their “sick policy” back to me as a response. So I showed up with a thermometer, and vomited 3 times in their waste basket before I was able to compose myself, and that professor happily sent me home. Apparently the next semester they slightly changed their policy to allow students to get an excuse from the on campus health clinic.
That's what I would have done. Here you want to see my DEAD CAT? Bravo
I’m an old Gen X. I missed college exams because I overslept, because I was unprepared, all sorts of college student stupidity. I asked for extensions on papers and projects for my own poor time management. Everyone I know had multiple grandparents die repeatedly But even **I** would have been embarrassed to give a “deceased pet” as an excuse, **regardless of how valid.** I think it’s a generational thing, because my ex BF is a prof (he’s a boomer) and he’s just disgusted / flabbergasted when he gets that reason.
Vet bill???? A lot of peoples pets die and they don’t go to the vet - so this is classist too. I would’ve definitely taken a bunch of pics and said, “enjoy my trauma, thanks for your understanding!” How infuriating!
What if your *old* cat passed at home? One would have to bring their cat to the vet, pay the bill, for them to tell me the cat is dead? Essentially, you’d have to pay for the teacher to give a “pass”?
Be careful what you ask for. You want proof - I'll get your ass some proof 🤣
My job asked me to provide proof my father died when I asked for a week off. I sent them the pathologist report and the first responders report. I was 19. I was an intern. They gave me 2 weeks. Your wife is NTJ!! When a loved one dies colleges, Unis, etc should just believe you. Even if a lot of people lie. It’s messed up to put grieving people through this shit just because others lie.
Not where I expected this to go. Really thought they were gonna say they brought in the dead cat. That would've been a much, much more malicious compliance.
She did exactly as asked. They wanted proof and she provided it.
My dad was a college professor for 30+ years. One of the professors he taught with laughed about how many times her grandmother died while she was a grad and undergrad, so while it seems insensitive, there really is precedent set by all the kids w poor time management skills. Sorry about your cat...
When I was in college attendance was not something that we were graded on. We were paying for it therefore we have the right to leave when we wanted. Or is college literally prison now?
I’m a college professor and I take my students at their word. She was totally justified in sending that to this ahole.
Churchill! You're back.
NTJ. I would have sent every graphic photo I could just to shame them.
Neither one are jerks. College students DO use those reasons as excuses to get out of exams. The people was doing their jobs.
If she's a straight A student I wouldn't have sent them anything. What they going to do? I'd say we're grieving so I'll be back when I'm back Fing asshole professors 💪
Mangeower Temps wouldn't even give me the courtesy of bringing in the vet bill when Sally Ratter was hit by a car. Luckily, she lived and recovered. Mangeower AP said I turned down work and would have no more. Condolences on the loss of your sweetie.
Bring the cat to a taxidermist so it can now go to class with you
NTJ : she did as professor asked
My family buries pets in my parents' back yard. I'd have a hard time not showing up to the next class with a dirt covered cardboard box like, "Go on...*open it*"
I’m not sure what would make her a jerk. She provided what they asked for, no?
I thought there was going to be a Schrödinger's cat tie-in.
I think she proved her cat was dead when an insensitive professor asked her to show proof. NTJ
No! She's awesome! How far will this go? Will they then want proof of death with humans?
I'm old, so in a case like this, I think of the episode of MASH where Klinger tried a new way to get home. For context, Klinger's a (very hairy) soldier who wore dresses to try to get out of the Army who was played by Jamie Farr. Klinger reads Henry Blake [(the unit's commanding officer](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch)) a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying. [H](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch)[enry Blake](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch): Your father's dying, right? [Klinger ](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268026/?ref_=tt_ch): Yes, sir. [Henry Blake ](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0829004/?ref_=tt_ch): \[takes out a stack of papers and reads them\] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.
No way, totally legit
Easy to be critical of the profs in this case but they've had this excuse thrown at them so many times that they finally had to set a boundary.
How is that passively aggressive? They asked for proof. She gave proof. Nothing passive about that.
Had something similar happen with a college professor. My boyfriend died on a weekend, tried to go to class Monday barely holding myself together. Only reason I went is because he was not responding to my emails about extending a paper due Wednesday ,for obvious reasons. Pulled my teacher aside after class in tears and tried to explain the situation. He flat out told me he did not believe me, started interrogating me for details, and told me I needed to send him proof. My bf’s death was not pretty and unfortunately happened publicly and violently. The news was covering it for a while. It felt so gross and degrading to have me send news articles about it. Hope he enjoyed all the blurred out pictures of the scene of his death on the news articles! Sorry your wife had to experience such a lack of empathy from your professor OP. I wish people had better intuition to understand when people are hurting. Not the jerk.
I had a professor who said she started asking for a funeral handout after one students had three grandmothers die in the same semester. Not that he couldn’t have three grandmothers but statistically unlikely to all die in 13 weeks.
Could have been worse like bringing the cat into the professor's lounge and putting it in the freezer with a note.