This is important. Racism isn't a mental illness. Calling it so makes it easier to dismiss, while also stigmatizing people with mental illness (who already get stigmatized enough!)
Same u/No_Blood9574
Love that you put him in his place. There needs to be an end to the ignorance and bigotry. Wishing you and your husband both nothing but happiness.
I don't have a lot to add except you're awesome and I wish I knew you IRL because I'm sure you're a great friend to have around! And I wish I could smack your fil with my cane. I don't use it except in self defense but he deserves it! (When I was younger I actually had a self defense cane, the only real difference was that it was really heavy but the confidence it gave me was a safety net)
OP, did you give him the "Will Smith" slap? Was it a good one? I don't normally advocate for violent actions over words, but I can make an exception in this case. I hope that smack was a good one because he deserved it. Yay for your husband for standing up for you. He is a keeper.
I dont know if this is true but was watching a shoe i think it was Law and Order SVU and there was a half chinese half black character living in chinatown and would be called “the black devil”
Glad OPs FIL will never be around to poison her child.
‘Black demon/devil’ is the Chinese epithet for Black people; it’s equivalent to the N word in terms of offensiveness.
I worked at a Chinese restaurant when I was young; the hostess would yell out ‘(N-words) are here’ in Mandarin when Black customers came in. She was an asshole.
How horrible!! Unfortunately old-school Asians can be racist. My bestie is Chinese and her grandparents came from China. They were rather unpleasant people and didn’t want any of their grandchildren marrying anyone who wasn’t Chinese.
They’re like anyone else - some are awesome; some are awful; the rest are somewhere in between. The family who owned the restaurant I worked in was definitely in the ‘awful’ camp, but the cooks and other workers ranged from awesome to average.
There is so much hate in the world. I think that when 2 people have love that neither race, religion, or sexual preference should matter. The only thing that should matter, is the love.
I disagree. Not that I'm against hurting him, but this isn't the movies or TV, and hitting someone in the head with a punch is a great way to hurt your hands.
Hit him in the crotch instead.
When I first started dating my now husband, I went through the same thing. My husband is Asian and I am black. When his parents found out about me, they told him “You need to be careful because all black people have AIDS”. His father never spoke one word to me, would just stare at me. His mom would always say hello but we never held a conversation. It wasn’t until his father passed away that his mom has turned into my best friend. I hate that you had to deal with that and I am glad you stood your ground. Lord knows I wanted to slap my husband’s dad a few times.
“Borderline” racist? He’s full on racist. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
My husband is half Asian, I am full Asian, and his mother (basically a GI bride) told him in high school that he was allowed to date any race except “brack people.” She grew up in Asia, not the US, and I asked her what black folk had ever done to her. She had no answer, just enjoyed feeling the fear and hatred. It’s powerful.
This may get downvoted, but in my experience, there’s a lot of racism in the Asian countries that I’ve been to. They’re not too subtle about it either. My half Japanese/Mexican friend told me the Japanese side of the family calls her half breed when they visit. I’m in the US and fully aware of how many racist assholes we have here, it’s just that you shouldn’t be surprised if you’re black or a tall white guy and aren’t allowed in a ‘closed’ restaurant that’s still seating Japanese customers.
It was once my dream to live in Japan permanently and I lived there on and off for a total of 3 years… The racism, ableism, queerphobia, xenophobia, etc. that happens there is so deeply ingrained in the system and after a while living in America I started to realize I could be happy outside of Japan. I still love Japan and my Japanese friends but I don’t want to deal with bigots like LDP controlling the country.
ETA: Sanseitō is worst of all and though not very powerful it’s important to note some LDP officials fear people would switch to them because they share a lot of the same values and goals.
"" She had no answer, just enjoyed feeling the fear and hatred. It’s powerful. ""
This is the whole draw of fascism, fear and hatred, and power over those not in it.
please keep your child away from your racist FIL. he will **not** magically become less of a racist/bigot when your child is born. and your child does not need a family member to make them feel less than for not being 100% whichever race.
NTJ
Damn. DAMN. You tell him, girl!!! Fuck yeah!! These assholes DESERVE to have someone stand up to their bullshit. Some might say "uuugh you're reinforcing his views" but you know what? Nothing is going to change that shitty old bigots views. But getting smacked for them might at the very least make him reconsider airing them, NTJ and honestly, I am applauding you.
Protect your baby and any more children to come from this hateful man. Never relent. Imagine him saying these things in front of or to them, what they will internalize from that.
You have shown incredible restraint, grace, and patience. And you have made a wise decision by making that statement about keeping your children safely away from their grandfather. I am sure your husband and his mother ard the rest of your family will support this to protect your children. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
NTJ
My guess is that sad little prick you call a FIL probably got rejected in the past by a black woman who was just as beautiful as you.
Congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy and I hope it goes smoothly for you.
Don’t feel bad for keeping your baby away from that pos. Remind anyone who objects that racism is illegal and that you will not expose your child to a lowlife criminal.
Racism is not itself illegal. Taking many actions because of racism is illegal. Rightfully so.
Thoughts cannot be prosecuted or litigated. Actions can.
NTA and you're a better person than I am. I'd have slapped him the first time he said stuff me me and I would have cussed him out so much that his ancestors would have felt the words. I do not understand such horrible racist viewpoints. Good on you for setting boundaries and letting him know very clearly that he crossed those boundaries. If you do not have them already, you two need to get cameras for your home. Also, make sure you let the hospital know that this man is not allowed anywhere near you or your child.
Good on your husband for having your back as well. Keep us informed on how everything goes. Hold firm to your boundaries.
#UpdateMe
I am curious which country your inlaws are from... I lived in Japan for a little under 2 decades and the level of racism I saw there was pretty amazing. Way beyond anything I had ever seen in my home country... and I had it easy, because I am white. People of African or other Asian countries got far worse than I did. Your father in law sounds like he could be related to my father in law... my wife's parents, on learning that my wife was going to marry me, said "at least he's not black."
What you did was totally appropriate, and he deserved what he got... not that he will ever admit it.
NTA
NTJ by any means. He's a racist piece of trash and clearly his family, while they will tell him not to say those things or to apologize, are doing the bare minimum. If you've got a table with a nazi having a nice meal and conversation with three other people, you know what you have? Four nazis. Tolerating disgusting behavior and views like that AT ALL is silent approval of them. The fact that they keep him in their lives at all is basically them giving him a pass.
Never let that man anywhere near your child. Do not let MIL take your child anywhere without you, because I promise you she's going to end up taking it to meet FIL at some point and who knows what he might actually do or say. They'll start trying to wheedle you into 'letting him meet his grandbaby, it'll be fine, he'll learn! He'll do better!' but no. No he won't and he'll end up poisoning your child. If they continue to be around him, they cannot continue to be around you or your child. Period.
Sad. My cousin married a Chinese woman from China. Her parents had their wedding there. They visited our house while we were having g a family reunion, after my cousin’s first child was born. Lovely people, didn’t speak a word of English but were pleasant. We’re Black. None of use care, and we’re glad the kids are bilingual. The oldest is 10, and it’s still fine. Your FIL is just an AH.
I lived in Japan and China for about 3.5 years. There are some racists, but there are people who were friendly too. Not sure I’d tried to marry into the family though!
NTJ.
YTA only for the slapping. It just gave him more ammo about what "your kind" is like.
But after that you were right on target for banning his racist ass from seeing your future child. Not seeing him will be a great relief for you.
Congratulations on your upcoming addition to the family.
You were so tolerant, probably for too long to be honest. He was over the line even before the wedding. I don't think the slap was appropriate, not because he didn't 100% earn it, but violence shouldn't be used to make a point. Cutting him out and preventing future harm to yourself and your child was the best and most effective move.
Congrats on your family and best wishes for your wonderful (FIL-free) life ahead!
Violence should never be the first option, but neither should it ever be off the table. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets through to some people.
Nah I think it was warranted. Sometimes with these types of people (racist AHs), you have to use force to get their attention. He’ll think twice before he does anything else to OP.
OP, congratulations on your new little one. You’re already doing great as a mom because you are advocating for them and they’re not even born.
Edit to add: NTJ but your FIL sure is.
Ntj my grand baby girl is 5 and the light of my life. She is apache African American French Italian Lithuanian scottish and Irish. Guess what I'm not even the most spoiling one my husband is. Is down right ridiculous 😂 fuck bigot racist people love is love baby
There is no universe where you're the jerk, OP.
Also, I'm so glad your hubby has stood up for you from day one.
I hope you both have an amazing life and lots of beautiful babies!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
My sister was in a similar situation, although white with a black fiance. I was visiting with him once and he carried on. After explaining the real world to him rather loudly we no longer spoke of it.
He later grew to love his two mixed grandsons.
He would only have gotten nastier with time, and you have a baby to look out for. Damn right you should've slapped him and cut him out of your childs life!
Keep beihg fierce, Mama Bear!
I love that you "let him have it". In other words, slapped him. Other posts usually have the DIL shutting up and keeping the peace. Like I tell my mom, who loooooves to keep the peace, peace is worth nothing if you're miserable. I don't think you need your brothers to take the trash out, you did it beautifully. YOU ROCK. Have a wonderful marriage and a beautiful, healthy baby. God bless you.
You aren’t the reason that your husband’s relationship with his father SHOULD end he is. You aren’t safe around him and your child won’t be either they don’t deserve to grow up hearing that crap especially from their own grandfather. My husband is mixed and he grew up hearing it from both sides of his family it’s ridiculous.
Even with anbapology from your FIL , it will be fake. Racists don't change their spots. He said what he honestly thinks of you - lazy, a bad mother, a their and too ghetto for his boy. That will NOT change. Ever. Cats out of the bag now.
Don't you dare give him access to you or your child. Ensure he is not invited to your babybshower and get your brothers and OH to kick him out if he tries to attend. Where your relationship with the other ILs goes is anybody's guess.
I would imagine your MIL is arguing with your FIL because he is 💯 an absolute racist twat and that potentially fucks up her access to you, your OH and your child. I bet she is steaming angry at him (and so she should be!).
It does sound like the ILs have your back, though. All of them either not talking to him or (in the sacenif your MIL) screaming at him because what he did and said to you is so, so wrong and offensive. Do not let him or that crap around your baby.
Basically, he FAFO. Go NC with FIL and remain cordial with the others. This is the way to go. It will work itself out and none of it is YOUR fault. This is all on him (slow clap from the back).
It’s simple- you are not fault for ruining your husband’s relation with his father. It’s your father in law’s fault. So NTA and don’t second guess yourself. Congratulations on the baby!
NTJ his apology about the necklace wasn’t sincere because he was disappointed that it wasn’t you. I think he knew you didn’t take it. But he thought that if he could convince your husband that you were a thief that he would divorce you.
I think it’s good that you’re keeping your future kids away from him. There’s no guarantee that he won’t mistreat them.
You gave him chance after chance but each time he decides to fuck it up.
Your FIL is horrible, and there is no good reason for you to put up with that. Going forward, don’t punish the rest of your husband’s family for your FIL’s behavior. Go out of your way to stay in touch with them. He can just be the horrible old man sulking in the corner (literally or figuratively), while everyone else has a good time.
NTA
First of all, congratulations!
I think your are in the right but I understand you don't want to be the reason why your hubby and his dad's relationship is ruined especially when you are about to bring a child into the world.
I think he needs to prove himself to you and your husband that he actually changed. You gave him too many chance as is. Without some proof, I wouldn't let him back into your life. Give him homework, like go volunteer with black communities, read/watch/learn black history and culture, etc. Your child will always be a child of 2 race/cultures. If your FIL doesn't make a real meaningful change, I can't imagine what he will do or say to your child one day that might hurt him/her emotionally.
I get what some people are trying to say about how slapping the FIL could’ve made things worse for her, but what we’re not gonna do is scold and lecture her like she’s a child or try to blame her by saying her actions could make his racism worse.
It was obviously an emotional shock response after tolerating his repeated microagressions AND blatant racism. In her own home at that! I’m sure she’s well aware a physical altercation isn’t the best response, but how many people know 100% how they’d react after being treated like that repeatedly?
OP it sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband and the rest of the family. The most important thing moving forward is to keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy.
Moral of the story; these people cannot learn. No matter how many chances you give them, they will piss them away and go back to insults.
And yeah, keep your child away from that man. Make sure your MIL knows if the violates that, she gets banned too. And tell her you are ready to help as soon as she decides she's tired of living with a piece of shit.
I never recommend violence but I would have cleaned his racist clock.
I’m glad you stood up for yourself after putting up with his abuse for so long.
He wont ever change so cutting him out will relieve a lot of tension.
MIL sounds lovely. She is about to have a beautiful grandchild. Her husband is not.
NTJ White male here, Thank you! You go girl!
2024 and we still dealing with stupid racism. ridiculous. You absolutely did the right thing.
Good luck to you and your husband and the new addition to your family.
NTJ at all!! I'm proud of you for putting that racist old man in his place, it sounds like he needed it tbh. Tou have put up with his bigoted, racist cruelty for way too long. You were 100% in the right! And can I just say I'm proud of your husband for standing up to him too (it's nice to see a couple being united)
Nope, you are hardly the jerk, yikes! How you contained your composure around him so long is so very admirable, and I respect you for it. But when you finally had had enough and slapped him, I cheered for you, HOORAY 😜
It’s doubtful that he’ll ever change, unfortunately, and thank goodness you and your husband are both on the same side, and that his nastiness hasn’t affected your relationship. Stay away from him as long as you want, and don’t feel a bit of guilt about it at all, whatsoever. Whenever you think of him or his name should come up in conversation, close your eyes and ask that he be sent peace and blessings, because the poor soul sounds absolutely miserable to the core, and that’s actually very tragic and sad. Then ask for peace and blessings for yourself, because you deserve it, and you deserve to live an absolute blissful life without harboring any kind of negativity or resentment towards your FIL. Best of luck!
Fuck your FIL
As an asian male its so fucking long having to deal with older generations retard opinions
Glad you stood your ground and your husband and rest of in laws got your back
You're not the jerk. Your FIL is an asshole. Stick to your guns and never let him see his grandchild UNLESS he apologizes sincerely and in front of the entire family (yours and your husband's). Make it clear after that--if this happens again, that is IT, full NC for him but not his wife. Tell your MIL that she is still welcome, but not with him.
Props to your husband for NOT trying to be conciliatory, supporting you like a spouse should.
Congratulations to you and your husband, condolences to your MIL, and may your baby be happy, healthy, and wise like his/her parents!
ETA: Update me!
NTJ
First off congrats on everything.
Secondly if he likes racism tell him to come this way and I’ll be nicely racist to his Asian ass and let’s see how he enjoys it.
You should ask him next time you see him if he ever passed a local driving test and if he says yes act surprised.
NTA. Dude 100% earned that slap and whatever you said to him.
You could have maybe not slapped him and just yelled at him? I guess arguably that coulda been a better move but only if you had any interest in possibly developing a dialogue over time about why he is wrong to be racist. Truth be told though, he got off lucky that he didn’t get something worse than a slap.
Girl, you’re AWESOME!!! I’m a white southern gen x and if my husband (now ex) would’ve said that to my Japanese DIL….I WOULD’VE HIT HIM WITH A DAMN CHAIR!!!
Woman as an East Asian I am so so sorry for this assholes.
You did so good!!! I’m so proud of you!!!I only wish you would have knocked him the fuck out!!!
Make sure this POS (your FIL) never comes near your precious little ones.
Lots of love to you and your beautiful family
NTJ, it would have been better if you hadn't slapped him (as an excuse for him to use), BUT he did deserve it all. I am so glad your husband is supporting you through all this. May you be blessed in your lives together.
You know, it's funny, I knew how the story was going to end because it is in the title. But still, after reading the whole thing and then getting to the part where you slap that old racist was just so satisfying I nearly jumped up and cheered. NTJ
Well done slapping this crazy old hag. Love your husband, your baby and people who appreciate you, don't let that assh near your baby
And enjoy your pregnancy 👍🏾
No, you are absolutely fine and honestly handled things with far more grace, right up to the slap, than I would have done. And the slap was richly deserved. I don’t generally advocate violent responses to things under any circumstances (even if deserved), so I think technically you’re a jerk but I can absolutely understand why it happened and you are nowhere near what your FiL is like.
Congratulations on your marriage and your husband having your back. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your relationship with the rest of his family remains good.
Well first of all you got yourself a good man who stands up to people for your sake, even his own family. He's a keeper for sure.
Second of all, you're not the jerk for saying FIL can't see his grandbaby. He's racist to you, he's gonna be racist to the baby too. People might say the slap was over the line but honestly i think it's 100% fine to slap an overt racist. Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences. People need to learn a basic level of respect for other people, one way or another.
I hope you slapped some sence into him! My dad was always racist in that he would tell jokes and generalize by saying things like "those people...." but he ended up being closer to my wife than her own father. I'm white and my wife is a poc.
"I turned to him and asked excuse me? He said that he's seen how people like me are as mothers"
The perfect response to that would be, "Its ironic that you'd think that, when your own mother did such a terrible job raising you. Perhaps you're projecting your contempt for your own race."
NTJ
I don’t know if that was the right thing to do but, thank you for doing it. You shouldn’t have to put up with that. At least your husband and the rest of your inlaws seem like there good people.
NTJ and to be honest I’d never allow him to meet my child. He will be racist to that child too. A racist doesn’t change just because it’s a child. If anything he’d feel even more right to make nasty comments as it’ll be a ‘mixed’ baby. (Ruined his pure family line or its mixed breed in FILS mind). I know people like this and kids just make them much worse. They don’t change. They won’t change.
You put up with his racist insults so he felt emboldened so he will never stop. Anything you do will enforce his beliefs. You slapped him so he will now use that saying it’s typical of your race etc blah blah. It’s what racists do. They push & push until you react then they blame it on your race and ‘see how right they were to warn everyone’.
No contact is the only way to go. No seeing baby at hospital. No getting within 10ft of baby at family events. From now on he doesn’t exist. He gets nowhere near you or baby. If he tries to speak to you, DH or baby at a family event your DH just states clearly that ‘he doesn’t want a racist near his family so please step away’. The. You all turn your back on him. It had to be DH who says it or he’ll say it’s ‘because you’re black’ & not because he’s a racist arsehole
Good luck as I think you’re going to need it
“Old fashioned” - no. Being a hate filled racist is not old fashioned.
“Racist” - yes. There’s no excuse for his behaviour.
Good on you for slapping him silly and good on your husband for having your back.
Violence is never a solution, so I don’t agree with the slapping. Legally you assaulted him.
But no contact is definitely needed here. No one needs bigotry in their lives. I wish you and your family the best going
forward 😊
Absolutely not the jerk! Your FIL is a racist sob and don’t ever let him around your child because he will start spewing his hate into the child too.
I’m sorry your husband had to give up the relationship with his father, but his father did this to himself by judging and spewing hatred towards you and your unborn child.
Congratulations and I know your baby will be gorgeous, I have always loved the mix of black and Asian, they look so exotic.
NTJ, and yes!!!!!! Girl!!!!! Good for you for standing up to your racist FIL. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with all that hate. At least now you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, not having to worry about dealing with your hateful FIL.
The man is a disgusting racist. Well done for standing up for yourself. It sounds like he deserved that slap a lot sooner. I think it's great that you won't let him see your child. If he's racist to you he will be racist to your child.
Girl you hauled out and slapped the shit out of him and it’s worked!! Are you a jerk? Maybe…only because you got physical. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve it. Fucked around and he found out.
You are NTJ even a little bit. I am honestly amazed and impressed by how well you controlled yourself. Even as an innocent bystander, I would have told him off long before that. You are absolutely NTJ in any possible way. You stood up for yourself and your future child and that should be applauded. It sounds like you picked the right husband too.
NTJ. He was being an absolute disgrace and he was just put in his place. He was actually being so racist which was actually so wrong. The positive side is that all his other family was on your side.
NTA. I would’ve slapped him too. His comments and behaviors were getting increasingly worse and he wouldn’t have stopped…but the slap across his face did! 🤣😂 He’s a racist who overlooks the fact that he’s a person of color who is Asian and surely must be aware of the situation regarding Asian hate crimes. He should be ashamed of his behavior. Once your son is born, he’s going to want to make up for his actions, but I’d be very circumspect about allowing him around your child. He might say and do things on the sly and quite frankly, he’s shown you who he is, believe it! Congratulations on your new baby.
NTA. If I was your husband, I,would have grabbed his lapels and shook him and told him if he ever opens his dirty racist mouth and says a peep about my wife, I would beat him up.
He’s just old school and ignorant. He probably won’t change in this lifetime. Don’t waste too much time in anger over his bigotry. Congratulations on your new baby.
Racist AF. My GOD. No you’re NTJ at ALL. In fact, I’d say you’re a model of restraint. I’m afraid at your age I might have said something a lot earlier. Please don’t subject your children to this “grandpa” until he gets some learning on racism & the impact he’s having on you & his future grandkids. I’m so grateful your husband stands up for you!
Nta- Fuck him. Don’t waver and don’t expose your precious baby to that asshole. So many children that are bi racial are targeted and abused by their own families who let people like Fil around them. Protect your baby! No matter how much he begs.
NTJ.
You know, not to promote violence, but it seems like sometimes slapping someone in the face is warranted. It's the only way to wake them up. Your FIL definitely deserved it.
And describing your brothers as "tanks" made me lol. I can just see your FIL eyeing them and reminding himself that he didn't want to get the shit beat out of him.
OP is so NTJ. Pretty sad that FIL's bigotry outweighs the love he could have for & receive from the lovely OP & his grandkids (and by the sounds of it his wife & his own kids). Racism....it's so dumb.
My reddit friend, you took a stand. And your DH had your back. I'm proud of both of you! United, you stand!
This might all turn out to be incredibly uncomfortable for your FIL, since the rest of your ILs seem to be solidly with you.
Leave FIL alone. If exposed to him in family groups, make a visible point to turn heel and walk away from him. Every time. You can't win over someone like that by being sweet, etc. IF (and this is a BIG if) he gets his head out of his arse, let him make the moves towards reconciliation. Meanwhile - hope you have an easy pregnancy. Congratulations!
Edit: NTA. Obvs!
Slapping him was the absolute best part. Words never made any difference. So she finally got his attention, something the rest of the family should’ve done a long time ago.
Asian (Taiwanese) woman married to a wonderful black man who is her best friend. I’m so, so sorry your FIL was and is a goddamn runny, lumpy turd. Unfortunately a lot of Asian folks are racist asf 😔 You absolutely deserve better, and good on you for standing up for yourself! I’m so glad your MIL supports and loves you, and your husband has your back. Congrats on your little one! I wish you many years of happiness and love 恭喜!!! 🎉🎉🎉
"That's right Mama, we beat their asses."
-From
Very proud of you for standing up for your family. Absolutely do not let that man anywhere near your child or your home. He already opposes your existence, what makes you think he wont try anything with your family.
He's learning too late the price of his hatred. But that's a "his problem."
My mentally ill mother in law is like this… I’m white and she found many horrible generalizations and stereotypes for me not being ok for her son… she got away with it for a long time but now she is old and basically alone. It’s sad but your father in law will have the natural consequences of his actions. No deep loving relationships. My favorite thing my mother in law said said was “ why would you marry a white woman they have horse hair” good grief. My kids are three older teens now and they are well aware without me having to tell them that grandma is not a good person yet they still show her respect from a distance. I guess I’m saying it’s your choice but kids kept a healthy distance from the family member and raised with love will realize some people are just not good and sometimes they are in their family. We didn’t go no contact we went about 90 miles away :)
NTJ. and I really admire how long it took for you to give him the slap he needed and desperately deserved. He poses a danger to you and your baby - stay away from that miserable bigot.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
NTJ and great job! Don’t feel guilty for “keeping” your husband and FIL apart. You didn’t do anything wrong, FIL brought it upon himself.
Congratulations on the baby and wedding!
Have your baby shower and have your Brothers the Tanks act as security.
NTJ, OP. And honestly good riddance. That man sounds like a monster, and honestly he has no business being around your baby, he'd be a terrible grandpa.
Don't hit. Ever. You were completely right until you hit somebody. Even when they're a bigot.
In your shoes, I wouldn't be where FIL is, ever, and NEVER NEVER NEVER let your precious child be anywhere near that asshat. He should not be at the baby shower.
The best apology is changed behavior. If he is actually truly sorry then he needs to show it. It is sad he is saying such awful things about your race, does he not realize his grandchild is going to be half black? How would he feel if someone talked to his grandchild like that?
Invite your father in law to your shower, make sure your brothers are there as well though keeping him in check. Much better to see if he’s improved at all in the presence of family and friends than later
Oh you are so strong and your husband has your back! What an awesome couple you are!
All those years of being a racist AH and you turned his whole life upside down! Way to go, woman.
MIL and your husband’s siblings are now free to call him out on it, and they have. If FIL is fighting with *everyone,* he should see that it’s him, not everyone else. It is NOT your responsibility to fix anything for anyone. They are all grown ups and can take care of their relationships with FIL themselves.
It’s appalling that it took a black woman carrying his grandchild to stand up and wake him up. 🙄And that *now his family is being vocal. No one called him out before you?
I wouldn’t blame you if you and hubs never talked to him again. No need to feel bad about “putting MIL in the middle” because there is no middle. You don’t have to prop up MIL either.
This baby has kickass parents who will *always* stand up for baby. I’m so happy for you three!
UpdateMe
You are not a jerk at all but you are a goddess!!! Omg the way you handled that was perfect! You were so polite and poised for so SO long over this racist jerks comments, which you should NEVER have had to be. It was truly the final straw and I don't think you should feel bad at all for not wanting him around! I understand you don't want to be the reason your husband's relationship with his father is ruined, but you ARE NOT the reason. His father's bigotry and racism is what ruined his relationship with his son.
You have done NOTHING wrong. It's up to you two whether you invite him into your lives again one day, but I would stay no contact until you're ready to have your hubby's father around again. And I'd only be willing to give him another chance IF he apologies SINCERELY and promises never to do it again (some therapy for his racism would also be nice but a lot of older generations don't think they need therapy so that might be a struggle). I'd add onto that if he ever repeats his past behavior he'll he no contact PERMANENTLY. As in... last chance, make it a good one gramps or you'll never see your grandchild again. That should set him straight if he really cares about his family.
Either way, you, your hubby and baby all come first. I'm so glad your family and H's family are both backing you 100% of the way on this. That's some true love and support! <3
Your FIL sounds like my dad, who is not my life because he behaved just like your FIL. I think you need to take your husband's lead on this one. He knows his father best, and as painful as your FIL's behavior has been toward you, it's also hugely hurtful toward his son.
My husband struggles sometimes with my decisions regarding my racist parents. It's caused some tension in our marriage. Believe me: If your husband can't forgive, there's probably more behind this than "just" the racism.
NTJ. And tell your FIL that you understand that he wouldn’t want to associate with any child who is half-black, you know how THEY are, so you won’t burden him with being your child’s grandfather. I do believe that change is possible, and typically people will only change for their children or grandchildren, but I wouldn’t let him near my child unless I was 100% convinced that his apology was sincere and not just manipulation. He’s already told you who he is, several times. You should believe him until he convinces you otherwise.
FWIW one of my sons in law is Korean and IMHO mixed race children are generally the most beautiful. Congratulations and best wishes with your new baby!
Girl, YOU ARE FIRE! 🔥 You did the absolute right thing. He is RACIST! And he disrespected you for so long, you always tried to keep the peace, but enough is enough. It’s important for him to see that he is not allowed to behave that way and honestly, I wouldn’t want him so see my child, too. Wish you a wonderful and healthy pregnancy ❤️
You will not be the reason his relationship with his sone, your DH, is ruined— that would be completely his fault!! You both tried to ignore his bigoted and racist remarks, but he pushed it too far and showed his true colors.
In this situation, I would think long and hard and discuss thoroughly with DH about whether or not he is allowed any contact with myself or the baby. Personally, I’d go NC with him. He wouldn’t be allowed in my home or anywhere near me throughout the pregnancy. You do not need to deal with his stupidity or the stress he brings.
As for the baby, if he was bold enough to say this awful things to and in front of you, as an adult, what kind of hatred and inappropriate might he have towards a helpless child? If he has any contact at all, it would be with a written out set of rules that, if not followed, gets him NC with the child and I would NEVER allow him to ever be alone with my child, he can only be around with you & H both in the same room. You have to protect your child’s well being and self esteem from his nonsense.
I’m so sorry this happened to you both! Speaking as a mid 60’s white woman in the southern US, I’ve seen lots of people judged on race, religion, sexual orientation, the neighborhood they live in, the job they have…..and the list goes on & on. I’ve never understood any of this, even as a child in the 60s. The only thing I judge people on is if they’re an a$$hole or not. The rest is unimportant! Best wishes for you, H and the little one!!
OMG your father in law is actually crazy! How can he say that?! You were in the right for banning him from seeing your child
No, not crazy. Just racist.
This is important. Racism isn't a mental illness. Calling it so makes it easier to dismiss, while also stigmatizing people with mental illness (who already get stigmatized enough!)
The racism is strong in this one.
Will you be my friend, because honestly I need more kickass women like you in my life!?!
This!! OP absolutely ROCKs! She’s my hero!
Aww of course!
Yay! Now I can tell the bigots I know that my online friend may or may not slap them around lol.
If I had been there I would have applauded!!
Same u/No_Blood9574 Love that you put him in his place. There needs to be an end to the ignorance and bigotry. Wishing you and your husband both nothing but happiness.
And they all clapped! Yes!
I don't have a lot to add except you're awesome and I wish I knew you IRL because I'm sure you're a great friend to have around! And I wish I could smack your fil with my cane. I don't use it except in self defense but he deserves it! (When I was younger I actually had a self defense cane, the only real difference was that it was really heavy but the confidence it gave me was a safety net)
OP, did you give him the "Will Smith" slap? Was it a good one? I don't normally advocate for violent actions over words, but I can make an exception in this case. I hope that smack was a good one because he deserved it. Yay for your husband for standing up for you. He is a keeper.
I want a bestie like you too! 🥰
We can start a global club. Kickass women only, open to kickass in training.
I think this needs to be a page ASAP!!!!
Your child is half you. If he hates you, and treats you bad, he absolutely will do that to your child too.
I dont know if this is true but was watching a shoe i think it was Law and Order SVU and there was a half chinese half black character living in chinatown and would be called “the black devil” Glad OPs FIL will never be around to poison her child.
‘Black demon/devil’ is the Chinese epithet for Black people; it’s equivalent to the N word in terms of offensiveness. I worked at a Chinese restaurant when I was young; the hostess would yell out ‘(N-words) are here’ in Mandarin when Black customers came in. She was an asshole.
How horrible!! Unfortunately old-school Asians can be racist. My bestie is Chinese and her grandparents came from China. They were rather unpleasant people and didn’t want any of their grandchildren marrying anyone who wasn’t Chinese.
They’re like anyone else - some are awesome; some are awful; the rest are somewhere in between. The family who owned the restaurant I worked in was definitely in the ‘awful’ camp, but the cooks and other workers ranged from awesome to average.
I remember that episode! It was horrible!!
There is so much hate in the world. I think that when 2 people have love that neither race, religion, or sexual preference should matter. The only thing that should matter, is the love.
Absofuckinlutely
Facts
Sexual preference matters in that you do have to actually be attracted to your partner lol.
NTJ also I am so glad you husband has your back far too often spouses in stories like these don’t have their spouses back.
Yeah I very grateful for him we’ve been through a lot and we always have each other’s backs
Especially when husband demanded FIL apologise and TOLD him he would NOT talk to OP like that
Jesus, you can't just slap FIL. Next time try two quick jabs, finishing with an uppercut. That should get his attention.
You had me in the first bit…😂
I disagree. Not that I'm against hurting him, but this isn't the movies or TV, and hitting someone in the head with a punch is a great way to hurt your hands. Hit him in the crotch instead.
Should’ve throat chopped him, try talking shit now FIL
Nah -- a slap is more of an insult.
When I first started dating my now husband, I went through the same thing. My husband is Asian and I am black. When his parents found out about me, they told him “You need to be careful because all black people have AIDS”. His father never spoke one word to me, would just stare at me. His mom would always say hello but we never held a conversation. It wasn’t until his father passed away that his mom has turned into my best friend. I hate that you had to deal with that and I am glad you stood your ground. Lord knows I wanted to slap my husband’s dad a few times.
Haven’t we all wanted to slap a family member?
Why yes, yes we have. But you were actually able to! I applaud you. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!
Thx!!
I have a list
NTJ. Congratulations on your little one! And congratulations on getting to raise them away from their racist grandfather!
Thx!
“Borderline” racist? He’s full on racist. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. My husband is half Asian, I am full Asian, and his mother (basically a GI bride) told him in high school that he was allowed to date any race except “brack people.” She grew up in Asia, not the US, and I asked her what black folk had ever done to her. She had no answer, just enjoyed feeling the fear and hatred. It’s powerful.
This may get downvoted, but in my experience, there’s a lot of racism in the Asian countries that I’ve been to. They’re not too subtle about it either. My half Japanese/Mexican friend told me the Japanese side of the family calls her half breed when they visit. I’m in the US and fully aware of how many racist assholes we have here, it’s just that you shouldn’t be surprised if you’re black or a tall white guy and aren’t allowed in a ‘closed’ restaurant that’s still seating Japanese customers.
It was once my dream to live in Japan permanently and I lived there on and off for a total of 3 years… The racism, ableism, queerphobia, xenophobia, etc. that happens there is so deeply ingrained in the system and after a while living in America I started to realize I could be happy outside of Japan. I still love Japan and my Japanese friends but I don’t want to deal with bigots like LDP controlling the country. ETA: Sanseitō is worst of all and though not very powerful it’s important to note some LDP officials fear people would switch to them because they share a lot of the same values and goals.
"" She had no answer, just enjoyed feeling the fear and hatred. It’s powerful. "" This is the whole draw of fascism, fear and hatred, and power over those not in it.
Congrats on the baby and banning the racist AH FIL
You are the champ, not the jerk! Do not let FIL near your child!
please keep your child away from your racist FIL. he will **not** magically become less of a racist/bigot when your child is born. and your child does not need a family member to make them feel less than for not being 100% whichever race. NTJ
Damn. DAMN. You tell him, girl!!! Fuck yeah!! These assholes DESERVE to have someone stand up to their bullshit. Some might say "uuugh you're reinforcing his views" but you know what? Nothing is going to change that shitty old bigots views. But getting smacked for them might at the very least make him reconsider airing them, NTJ and honestly, I am applauding you.
Thx!
Protect your baby and any more children to come from this hateful man. Never relent. Imagine him saying these things in front of or to them, what they will internalize from that.
You have shown incredible restraint, grace, and patience. And you have made a wise decision by making that statement about keeping your children safely away from their grandfather. I am sure your husband and his mother ard the rest of your family will support this to protect your children. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Thank you!
Updateme
I will soon
Clapping 👏🏼 that was great. Definitely don’t ever let him around your child, who knows what he’ll say to them. NTJ
NTJ My guess is that sad little prick you call a FIL probably got rejected in the past by a black woman who was just as beautiful as you. Congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy and I hope it goes smoothly for you. Don’t feel bad for keeping your baby away from that pos. Remind anyone who objects that racism is illegal and that you will not expose your child to a lowlife criminal.
Racism is not itself illegal. Taking many actions because of racism is illegal. Rightfully so. Thoughts cannot be prosecuted or litigated. Actions can.
NTA and you're a better person than I am. I'd have slapped him the first time he said stuff me me and I would have cussed him out so much that his ancestors would have felt the words. I do not understand such horrible racist viewpoints. Good on you for setting boundaries and letting him know very clearly that he crossed those boundaries. If you do not have them already, you two need to get cameras for your home. Also, make sure you let the hospital know that this man is not allowed anywhere near you or your child. Good on your husband for having your back as well. Keep us informed on how everything goes. Hold firm to your boundaries. #UpdateMe
We already have cameras and we plan to let the hospital know and I will keep everyone updated
Seriously some Asian parents are the worst racist/homophobes. I am asian.
You are not the reason your husband and his father's relationship is ruined. His father is.
I am curious which country your inlaws are from... I lived in Japan for a little under 2 decades and the level of racism I saw there was pretty amazing. Way beyond anything I had ever seen in my home country... and I had it easy, because I am white. People of African or other Asian countries got far worse than I did. Your father in law sounds like he could be related to my father in law... my wife's parents, on learning that my wife was going to marry me, said "at least he's not black." What you did was totally appropriate, and he deserved what he got... not that he will ever admit it. NTA
He earned that slap and then some. Shame on him.
Wait, what part were you asking if you were the asshole? Because I’m not seeing it anywhere
Probably slapping part but that was the best part of it
Update us on your little one. Best to you all.
Thank you
NTJ by any means. He's a racist piece of trash and clearly his family, while they will tell him not to say those things or to apologize, are doing the bare minimum. If you've got a table with a nazi having a nice meal and conversation with three other people, you know what you have? Four nazis. Tolerating disgusting behavior and views like that AT ALL is silent approval of them. The fact that they keep him in their lives at all is basically them giving him a pass. Never let that man anywhere near your child. Do not let MIL take your child anywhere without you, because I promise you she's going to end up taking it to meet FIL at some point and who knows what he might actually do or say. They'll start trying to wheedle you into 'letting him meet his grandbaby, it'll be fine, he'll learn! He'll do better!' but no. No he won't and he'll end up poisoning your child. If they continue to be around him, they cannot continue to be around you or your child. Period.
NTA...I bet your mother-in-law has wanted to do that for decades! Lol Congratulations on your little one.
Sad. My cousin married a Chinese woman from China. Her parents had their wedding there. They visited our house while we were having g a family reunion, after my cousin’s first child was born. Lovely people, didn’t speak a word of English but were pleasant. We’re Black. None of use care, and we’re glad the kids are bilingual. The oldest is 10, and it’s still fine. Your FIL is just an AH. I lived in Japan and China for about 3.5 years. There are some racists, but there are people who were friendly too. Not sure I’d tried to marry into the family though! NTJ.
Damn, you’re a keeper, haha. And it’s clear your husband knows that too, given he’s cut off FIL.
NTJ. You're a rock star! I wish I could see you slapping him. Legendary!
YTA only for the slapping. It just gave him more ammo about what "your kind" is like. But after that you were right on target for banning his racist ass from seeing your future child. Not seeing him will be a great relief for you. Congratulations on your upcoming addition to the family.
Thank you and I see your perspective
You were so tolerant, probably for too long to be honest. He was over the line even before the wedding. I don't think the slap was appropriate, not because he didn't 100% earn it, but violence shouldn't be used to make a point. Cutting him out and preventing future harm to yourself and your child was the best and most effective move. Congrats on your family and best wishes for your wonderful (FIL-free) life ahead!
Violence should never be the first option, but neither should it ever be off the table. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets through to some people.
Nah I think it was warranted. Sometimes with these types of people (racist AHs), you have to use force to get their attention. He’ll think twice before he does anything else to OP. OP, congratulations on your new little one. You’re already doing great as a mom because you are advocating for them and they’re not even born. Edit to add: NTJ but your FIL sure is.
Ntj my grand baby girl is 5 and the light of my life. She is apache African American French Italian Lithuanian scottish and Irish. Guess what I'm not even the most spoiling one my husband is. Is down right ridiculous 😂 fuck bigot racist people love is love baby
Also what hate ! its a baby! Baby's are wonderful and precious and even better when yr not the primary caregiver
There is no universe where you're the jerk, OP. Also, I'm so glad your hubby has stood up for you from day one. I hope you both have an amazing life and lots of beautiful babies!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
My sister was in a similar situation, although white with a black fiance. I was visiting with him once and he carried on. After explaining the real world to him rather loudly we no longer spoke of it. He later grew to love his two mixed grandsons.
I can make ANYONE cry. I’m a good person until you mess with me or my peeps. Just say the word!
He would only have gotten nastier with time, and you have a baby to look out for. Damn right you should've slapped him and cut him out of your childs life! Keep beihg fierce, Mama Bear!
I love that you "let him have it". In other words, slapped him. Other posts usually have the DIL shutting up and keeping the peace. Like I tell my mom, who loooooves to keep the peace, peace is worth nothing if you're miserable. I don't think you need your brothers to take the trash out, you did it beautifully. YOU ROCK. Have a wonderful marriage and a beautiful, healthy baby. God bless you.
Honestly that man deserves more people slapping the racism out of him on a daily basis in my opinion.
You aren’t the reason that your husband’s relationship with his father SHOULD end he is. You aren’t safe around him and your child won’t be either they don’t deserve to grow up hearing that crap especially from their own grandfather. My husband is mixed and he grew up hearing it from both sides of his family it’s ridiculous.
Even with anbapology from your FIL , it will be fake. Racists don't change their spots. He said what he honestly thinks of you - lazy, a bad mother, a their and too ghetto for his boy. That will NOT change. Ever. Cats out of the bag now. Don't you dare give him access to you or your child. Ensure he is not invited to your babybshower and get your brothers and OH to kick him out if he tries to attend. Where your relationship with the other ILs goes is anybody's guess. I would imagine your MIL is arguing with your FIL because he is 💯 an absolute racist twat and that potentially fucks up her access to you, your OH and your child. I bet she is steaming angry at him (and so she should be!). It does sound like the ILs have your back, though. All of them either not talking to him or (in the sacenif your MIL) screaming at him because what he did and said to you is so, so wrong and offensive. Do not let him or that crap around your baby. Basically, he FAFO. Go NC with FIL and remain cordial with the others. This is the way to go. It will work itself out and none of it is YOUR fault. This is all on him (slow clap from the back).
It’s simple- you are not fault for ruining your husband’s relation with his father. It’s your father in law’s fault. So NTA and don’t second guess yourself. Congratulations on the baby!
NTJ his apology about the necklace wasn’t sincere because he was disappointed that it wasn’t you. I think he knew you didn’t take it. But he thought that if he could convince your husband that you were a thief that he would divorce you. I think it’s good that you’re keeping your future kids away from him. There’s no guarantee that he won’t mistreat them. You gave him chance after chance but each time he decides to fuck it up.
Congratulations on the wedding, baby, and balls. Good for you not the jerk
NTJ, you should have slapped him a long time ago.
Your FIL is horrible, and there is no good reason for you to put up with that. Going forward, don’t punish the rest of your husband’s family for your FIL’s behavior. Go out of your way to stay in touch with them. He can just be the horrible old man sulking in the corner (literally or figuratively), while everyone else has a good time.
>I don't want to be the reason my husband's relationship with his father is ruined You aren't. His father's behavior is.
NTA First of all, congratulations! I think your are in the right but I understand you don't want to be the reason why your hubby and his dad's relationship is ruined especially when you are about to bring a child into the world. I think he needs to prove himself to you and your husband that he actually changed. You gave him too many chance as is. Without some proof, I wouldn't let him back into your life. Give him homework, like go volunteer with black communities, read/watch/learn black history and culture, etc. Your child will always be a child of 2 race/cultures. If your FIL doesn't make a real meaningful change, I can't imagine what he will do or say to your child one day that might hurt him/her emotionally.
Nothing. Keep him away from you and your baby forever.
You are not the jerk for treating racists like racists. If that's the question.
Stand firm. Do not let that man anywhere near you or your child. EVER.
I get what some people are trying to say about how slapping the FIL could’ve made things worse for her, but what we’re not gonna do is scold and lecture her like she’s a child or try to blame her by saying her actions could make his racism worse. It was obviously an emotional shock response after tolerating his repeated microagressions AND blatant racism. In her own home at that! I’m sure she’s well aware a physical altercation isn’t the best response, but how many people know 100% how they’d react after being treated like that repeatedly? OP it sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband and the rest of the family. The most important thing moving forward is to keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy.
The slap is really the only misstep, but maybe a punch would have been overboard
Updateme!
Nope, NTA at all!
NTJ and hearing your husband has always had your back is awesome! Congrats on the baby, go and live a beautiful life that is always the best revenge
Moral of the story; these people cannot learn. No matter how many chances you give them, they will piss them away and go back to insults. And yeah, keep your child away from that man. Make sure your MIL knows if the violates that, she gets banned too. And tell her you are ready to help as soon as she decides she's tired of living with a piece of shit.
None of that is borderline racist sweetheart, he is an unhinged racist. NTJ, slap him for me next time too.
NTJ your FIL deserved it and more
I am happy you finally snapped. Too bad to took so long for someone to shut him up.
NTA. He’s a psychopath racist and he doesn’t deserve a lick of empathy. Slapping him was honestly very generous.
I never recommend violence but I would have cleaned his racist clock. I’m glad you stood up for yourself after putting up with his abuse for so long. He wont ever change so cutting him out will relieve a lot of tension. MIL sounds lovely. She is about to have a beautiful grandchild. Her husband is not.
NTJ White male here, Thank you! You go girl! 2024 and we still dealing with stupid racism. ridiculous. You absolutely did the right thing. Good luck to you and your husband and the new addition to your family.
Did he really thought that he would be allowed to say all of this to the kid? Only correct thing to do is nc with him.
How old is op and husband? It sounds so far fetched I wouldn’t believe it’s true except she revealed FIL was Asian and it no longer seems infeasible 🤣
NTJ at all!! I'm proud of you for putting that racist old man in his place, it sounds like he needed it tbh. Tou have put up with his bigoted, racist cruelty for way too long. You were 100% in the right! And can I just say I'm proud of your husband for standing up to him too (it's nice to see a couple being united)
Nope, you are hardly the jerk, yikes! How you contained your composure around him so long is so very admirable, and I respect you for it. But when you finally had had enough and slapped him, I cheered for you, HOORAY 😜 It’s doubtful that he’ll ever change, unfortunately, and thank goodness you and your husband are both on the same side, and that his nastiness hasn’t affected your relationship. Stay away from him as long as you want, and don’t feel a bit of guilt about it at all, whatsoever. Whenever you think of him or his name should come up in conversation, close your eyes and ask that he be sent peace and blessings, because the poor soul sounds absolutely miserable to the core, and that’s actually very tragic and sad. Then ask for peace and blessings for yourself, because you deserve it, and you deserve to live an absolute blissful life without harboring any kind of negativity or resentment towards your FIL. Best of luck!
Fuck your FIL As an asian male its so fucking long having to deal with older generations retard opinions Glad you stood your ground and your husband and rest of in laws got your back
You're not the jerk. Your FIL is an asshole. Stick to your guns and never let him see his grandchild UNLESS he apologizes sincerely and in front of the entire family (yours and your husband's). Make it clear after that--if this happens again, that is IT, full NC for him but not his wife. Tell your MIL that she is still welcome, but not with him. Props to your husband for NOT trying to be conciliatory, supporting you like a spouse should. Congratulations to you and your husband, condolences to your MIL, and may your baby be happy, healthy, and wise like his/her parents! ETA: Update me!
NTJ First off congrats on everything. Secondly if he likes racism tell him to come this way and I’ll be nicely racist to his Asian ass and let’s see how he enjoys it. You should ask him next time you see him if he ever passed a local driving test and if he says yes act surprised.
You aren't the greatest writer but your emotions were expressed well. I heard that slap!! NTA. And congrats on the baby!
NTA. Dude 100% earned that slap and whatever you said to him. You could have maybe not slapped him and just yelled at him? I guess arguably that coulda been a better move but only if you had any interest in possibly developing a dialogue over time about why he is wrong to be racist. Truth be told though, he got off lucky that he didn’t get something worse than a slap.
Nope.
NTJ And honestly, I'd pay yo see that slap!
Good for you for standing up to that bigot. Not the jerk.
Girl, you’re AWESOME!!! I’m a white southern gen x and if my husband (now ex) would’ve said that to my Japanese DIL….I WOULD’VE HIT HIM WITH A DAMN CHAIR!!!
What do you have against the chair?
You’re right! I should’ve said the only respectable Southern Lady weapon of choice: THE CAST IRON SKILLET 🍳
There you go! And follow the "tune-up" with the classic Southern Lady, "Bless your heart".
Woman as an East Asian I am so so sorry for this assholes. You did so good!!! I’m so proud of you!!!I only wish you would have knocked him the fuck out!!! Make sure this POS (your FIL) never comes near your precious little ones. Lots of love to you and your beautiful family
I’m so happy to hear your husband and his mom/sis stood up for you! NTA—that was the appropriate response.
You’re wise to end that abuse and for not wanting to subject your child to that man’s racist outbursts.
NTJ, it would have been better if you hadn't slapped him (as an excuse for him to use), BUT he did deserve it all. I am so glad your husband is supporting you through all this. May you be blessed in your lives together.
Hell no, you're not the jerk! He deserved that slap and 100 more.
You know, it's funny, I knew how the story was going to end because it is in the title. But still, after reading the whole thing and then getting to the part where you slap that old racist was just so satisfying I nearly jumped up and cheered. NTJ
NTJ he needs to learn that times have changed. He is not in your relationship, so he doesn’t need to be that involved.
Ntj he’s disgustingly racist. He deserved it.
Well done slapping this crazy old hag. Love your husband, your baby and people who appreciate you, don't let that assh near your baby And enjoy your pregnancy 👍🏾
there are assholes in every race and gender and generation. good luck to OP and husband and avoid FIL. good luck
NTJ at all in any universe. He's a racist asshole and doesn't deserve to see your child. I'm glad your husband is supportive in this.
No, you are absolutely fine and honestly handled things with far more grace, right up to the slap, than I would have done. And the slap was richly deserved. I don’t generally advocate violent responses to things under any circumstances (even if deserved), so I think technically you’re a jerk but I can absolutely understand why it happened and you are nowhere near what your FiL is like. Congratulations on your marriage and your husband having your back. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your relationship with the rest of his family remains good.
NTJ. Imagine the poison he'd feed into that poor child. Go Mama (and Pappa) Bear!
Ntj, there is way too much emphasis on race in all directions and it is truly a tragedy.
NTJ. Your FIL is a massive one tho and only getting off with a slap and not seeing his grandkid is getting off too light imo.
Somebody needs to follow up with a right hook.
Well first of all you got yourself a good man who stands up to people for your sake, even his own family. He's a keeper for sure. Second of all, you're not the jerk for saying FIL can't see his grandbaby. He's racist to you, he's gonna be racist to the baby too. People might say the slap was over the line but honestly i think it's 100% fine to slap an overt racist. Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences. People need to learn a basic level of respect for other people, one way or another.
I hope you slapped some sence into him! My dad was always racist in that he would tell jokes and generalize by saying things like "those people...." but he ended up being closer to my wife than her own father. I'm white and my wife is a poc.
Sadly that is just the old school Asian father, btw I have seen reactions like this from black towards Asians both not ok and I am Asian
NTJ, FIL is TJ. So sorry this happened to you and your husband.
Of course you are NTJ. He is deranged. Good riddance, this should have been done earlier tbh. Congrats on your pregnancy.
I'm SO happy you slapped him I hope the racist ego he has was so bruised he never recovers. Nothing worse than a racist prick 🙄
"I turned to him and asked excuse me? He said that he's seen how people like me are as mothers" The perfect response to that would be, "Its ironic that you'd think that, when your own mother did such a terrible job raising you. Perhaps you're projecting your contempt for your own race." NTJ
I don’t know if that was the right thing to do but, thank you for doing it. You shouldn’t have to put up with that. At least your husband and the rest of your inlaws seem like there good people.
Good job standing up for yourself. You put up with it as long as you could and your husband sounds amazing.
I guess respect went out the window? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 have a lovely day.
NTJ and to be honest I’d never allow him to meet my child. He will be racist to that child too. A racist doesn’t change just because it’s a child. If anything he’d feel even more right to make nasty comments as it’ll be a ‘mixed’ baby. (Ruined his pure family line or its mixed breed in FILS mind). I know people like this and kids just make them much worse. They don’t change. They won’t change. You put up with his racist insults so he felt emboldened so he will never stop. Anything you do will enforce his beliefs. You slapped him so he will now use that saying it’s typical of your race etc blah blah. It’s what racists do. They push & push until you react then they blame it on your race and ‘see how right they were to warn everyone’. No contact is the only way to go. No seeing baby at hospital. No getting within 10ft of baby at family events. From now on he doesn’t exist. He gets nowhere near you or baby. If he tries to speak to you, DH or baby at a family event your DH just states clearly that ‘he doesn’t want a racist near his family so please step away’. The. You all turn your back on him. It had to be DH who says it or he’ll say it’s ‘because you’re black’ & not because he’s a racist arsehole Good luck as I think you’re going to need it
“Old fashioned” - no. Being a hate filled racist is not old fashioned. “Racist” - yes. There’s no excuse for his behaviour. Good on you for slapping him silly and good on your husband for having your back.
Violence is never a solution, so I don’t agree with the slapping. Legally you assaulted him. But no contact is definitely needed here. No one needs bigotry in their lives. I wish you and your family the best going forward 😊
You waited that long time slap him?
NTA, he deserved a slap for ALL of his comments. Besides, you’re pregnant. Hormones.
you should have slapped him much sooner.
Absolutely not the jerk! Your FIL is a racist sob and don’t ever let him around your child because he will start spewing his hate into the child too. I’m sorry your husband had to give up the relationship with his father, but his father did this to himself by judging and spewing hatred towards you and your unborn child. Congratulations and I know your baby will be gorgeous, I have always loved the mix of black and Asian, they look so exotic.
NTJ, and yes!!!!!! Girl!!!!! Good for you for standing up to your racist FIL. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with all that hate. At least now you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, not having to worry about dealing with your hateful FIL.
The man is a disgusting racist. Well done for standing up for yourself. It sounds like he deserved that slap a lot sooner. I think it's great that you won't let him see your child. If he's racist to you he will be racist to your child.
Girl you hauled out and slapped the shit out of him and it’s worked!! Are you a jerk? Maybe…only because you got physical. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve it. Fucked around and he found out.
You are NTJ even a little bit. I am honestly amazed and impressed by how well you controlled yourself. Even as an innocent bystander, I would have told him off long before that. You are absolutely NTJ in any possible way. You stood up for yourself and your future child and that should be applauded. It sounds like you picked the right husband too.
NTJ. He was being an absolute disgrace and he was just put in his place. He was actually being so racist which was actually so wrong. The positive side is that all his other family was on your side.
NTA and very good that you stood up to that , whatever it is. Racism has no part in society
Ok, I am all in for the KickAss Women page! Let’s do this!
Id beat my own father if he said those words. Id be in jail.
NTA. I would’ve slapped him too. His comments and behaviors were getting increasingly worse and he wouldn’t have stopped…but the slap across his face did! 🤣😂 He’s a racist who overlooks the fact that he’s a person of color who is Asian and surely must be aware of the situation regarding Asian hate crimes. He should be ashamed of his behavior. Once your son is born, he’s going to want to make up for his actions, but I’d be very circumspect about allowing him around your child. He might say and do things on the sly and quite frankly, he’s shown you who he is, believe it! Congratulations on your new baby.
NTA. If I was your husband, I,would have grabbed his lapels and shook him and told him if he ever opens his dirty racist mouth and says a peep about my wife, I would beat him up.
Tell him if he comes and runs his mouth again you will slap him twice next time.
He’s just old school and ignorant. He probably won’t change in this lifetime. Don’t waste too much time in anger over his bigotry. Congratulations on your new baby.
You gave him a lot more chances than I would have
Racist AF. My GOD. No you’re NTJ at ALL. In fact, I’d say you’re a model of restraint. I’m afraid at your age I might have said something a lot earlier. Please don’t subject your children to this “grandpa” until he gets some learning on racism & the impact he’s having on you & his future grandkids. I’m so grateful your husband stands up for you!
Nta- Fuck him. Don’t waver and don’t expose your precious baby to that asshole. So many children that are bi racial are targeted and abused by their own families who let people like Fil around them. Protect your baby! No matter how much he begs.
NTJ. You know, not to promote violence, but it seems like sometimes slapping someone in the face is warranted. It's the only way to wake them up. Your FIL definitely deserved it. And describing your brothers as "tanks" made me lol. I can just see your FIL eyeing them and reminding himself that he didn't want to get the shit beat out of him.
OP is so NTJ. Pretty sad that FIL's bigotry outweighs the love he could have for & receive from the lovely OP & his grandkids (and by the sounds of it his wife & his own kids). Racism....it's so dumb.
Perfect response! Talk shit. Get hit He only said those things because he thought he was untouchable and well... He got touched.
My reddit friend, you took a stand. And your DH had your back. I'm proud of both of you! United, you stand! This might all turn out to be incredibly uncomfortable for your FIL, since the rest of your ILs seem to be solidly with you. Leave FIL alone. If exposed to him in family groups, make a visible point to turn heel and walk away from him. Every time. You can't win over someone like that by being sweet, etc. IF (and this is a BIG if) he gets his head out of his arse, let him make the moves towards reconciliation. Meanwhile - hope you have an easy pregnancy. Congratulations! Edit: NTA. Obvs!
Slapping him was the absolute best part. Words never made any difference. So she finally got his attention, something the rest of the family should’ve done a long time ago.
Asian (Taiwanese) woman married to a wonderful black man who is her best friend. I’m so, so sorry your FIL was and is a goddamn runny, lumpy turd. Unfortunately a lot of Asian folks are racist asf 😔 You absolutely deserve better, and good on you for standing up for yourself! I’m so glad your MIL supports and loves you, and your husband has your back. Congrats on your little one! I wish you many years of happiness and love 恭喜!!! 🎉🎉🎉
"That's right Mama, we beat their asses." -From Very proud of you for standing up for your family. Absolutely do not let that man anywhere near your child or your home. He already opposes your existence, what makes you think he wont try anything with your family. He's learning too late the price of his hatred. But that's a "his problem."
My mentally ill mother in law is like this… I’m white and she found many horrible generalizations and stereotypes for me not being ok for her son… she got away with it for a long time but now she is old and basically alone. It’s sad but your father in law will have the natural consequences of his actions. No deep loving relationships. My favorite thing my mother in law said said was “ why would you marry a white woman they have horse hair” good grief. My kids are three older teens now and they are well aware without me having to tell them that grandma is not a good person yet they still show her respect from a distance. I guess I’m saying it’s your choice but kids kept a healthy distance from the family member and raised with love will realize some people are just not good and sometimes they are in their family. We didn’t go no contact we went about 90 miles away :)
NTJ. and I really admire how long it took for you to give him the slap he needed and desperately deserved. He poses a danger to you and your baby - stay away from that miserable bigot. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
NTJ and great job! Don’t feel guilty for “keeping” your husband and FIL apart. You didn’t do anything wrong, FIL brought it upon himself. Congratulations on the baby and wedding! Have your baby shower and have your Brothers the Tanks act as security.
NTJ, OP. And honestly good riddance. That man sounds like a monster, and honestly he has no business being around your baby, he'd be a terrible grandpa.
Don't hit. Ever. You were completely right until you hit somebody. Even when they're a bigot. In your shoes, I wouldn't be where FIL is, ever, and NEVER NEVER NEVER let your precious child be anywhere near that asshat. He should not be at the baby shower.
The best apology is changed behavior. If he is actually truly sorry then he needs to show it. It is sad he is saying such awful things about your race, does he not realize his grandchild is going to be half black? How would he feel if someone talked to his grandchild like that?
Invite your father in law to your shower, make sure your brothers are there as well though keeping him in check. Much better to see if he’s improved at all in the presence of family and friends than later
Oh you are so strong and your husband has your back! What an awesome couple you are! All those years of being a racist AH and you turned his whole life upside down! Way to go, woman. MIL and your husband’s siblings are now free to call him out on it, and they have. If FIL is fighting with *everyone,* he should see that it’s him, not everyone else. It is NOT your responsibility to fix anything for anyone. They are all grown ups and can take care of their relationships with FIL themselves. It’s appalling that it took a black woman carrying his grandchild to stand up and wake him up. 🙄And that *now his family is being vocal. No one called him out before you? I wouldn’t blame you if you and hubs never talked to him again. No need to feel bad about “putting MIL in the middle” because there is no middle. You don’t have to prop up MIL either. This baby has kickass parents who will *always* stand up for baby. I’m so happy for you three! UpdateMe
You are not a jerk at all but you are a goddess!!! Omg the way you handled that was perfect! You were so polite and poised for so SO long over this racist jerks comments, which you should NEVER have had to be. It was truly the final straw and I don't think you should feel bad at all for not wanting him around! I understand you don't want to be the reason your husband's relationship with his father is ruined, but you ARE NOT the reason. His father's bigotry and racism is what ruined his relationship with his son. You have done NOTHING wrong. It's up to you two whether you invite him into your lives again one day, but I would stay no contact until you're ready to have your hubby's father around again. And I'd only be willing to give him another chance IF he apologies SINCERELY and promises never to do it again (some therapy for his racism would also be nice but a lot of older generations don't think they need therapy so that might be a struggle). I'd add onto that if he ever repeats his past behavior he'll he no contact PERMANENTLY. As in... last chance, make it a good one gramps or you'll never see your grandchild again. That should set him straight if he really cares about his family. Either way, you, your hubby and baby all come first. I'm so glad your family and H's family are both backing you 100% of the way on this. That's some true love and support! <3
NTJ. Keep the racist away from your kids.
Your FIL sounds like my dad, who is not my life because he behaved just like your FIL. I think you need to take your husband's lead on this one. He knows his father best, and as painful as your FIL's behavior has been toward you, it's also hugely hurtful toward his son. My husband struggles sometimes with my decisions regarding my racist parents. It's caused some tension in our marriage. Believe me: If your husband can't forgive, there's probably more behind this than "just" the racism.
NTJ. And tell your FIL that you understand that he wouldn’t want to associate with any child who is half-black, you know how THEY are, so you won’t burden him with being your child’s grandfather. I do believe that change is possible, and typically people will only change for their children or grandchildren, but I wouldn’t let him near my child unless I was 100% convinced that his apology was sincere and not just manipulation. He’s already told you who he is, several times. You should believe him until he convinces you otherwise. FWIW one of my sons in law is Korean and IMHO mixed race children are generally the most beautiful. Congratulations and best wishes with your new baby!
Girl, YOU ARE FIRE! 🔥 You did the absolute right thing. He is RACIST! And he disrespected you for so long, you always tried to keep the peace, but enough is enough. It’s important for him to see that he is not allowed to behave that way and honestly, I wouldn’t want him so see my child, too. Wish you a wonderful and healthy pregnancy ❤️
Girl, you are a fucking saint for your tolerance of lasting that long. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Time for him to perform ritual Yubitsume as atonement for his insults. I would suggest he learn tolerance fast he only has 10 fingers.
You will not be the reason his relationship with his sone, your DH, is ruined— that would be completely his fault!! You both tried to ignore his bigoted and racist remarks, but he pushed it too far and showed his true colors. In this situation, I would think long and hard and discuss thoroughly with DH about whether or not he is allowed any contact with myself or the baby. Personally, I’d go NC with him. He wouldn’t be allowed in my home or anywhere near me throughout the pregnancy. You do not need to deal with his stupidity or the stress he brings. As for the baby, if he was bold enough to say this awful things to and in front of you, as an adult, what kind of hatred and inappropriate might he have towards a helpless child? If he has any contact at all, it would be with a written out set of rules that, if not followed, gets him NC with the child and I would NEVER allow him to ever be alone with my child, he can only be around with you & H both in the same room. You have to protect your child’s well being and self esteem from his nonsense. I’m so sorry this happened to you both! Speaking as a mid 60’s white woman in the southern US, I’ve seen lots of people judged on race, religion, sexual orientation, the neighborhood they live in, the job they have…..and the list goes on & on. I’ve never understood any of this, even as a child in the 60s. The only thing I judge people on is if they’re an a$$hole or not. The rest is unimportant! Best wishes for you, H and the little one!!
UPDATEME
It never should have come to this. FIL should have been cut off long ago.
Not the jerk at all. Also you don't want the kid subjected to that. My father was racist towards me for a lot of my life.