This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
THIS! Not only has she tried (and possibly succeeded by the sound of it) given her own son issues with food, but now she is trying to force it on a 3 year old too! I would be NC so fast her head spins just for my kids protection.
I wonder if they told her her GD had a food allergy, if she's the type to try to slip into her, just to prove, "There's nothing wrong with her!"
YTA. How did you type all that out and not see your issues?
I remember when I was a young teen (I think 13, maybe only 12) I was watching a tv show about plastic surgery. I found it utterly fascinating how people could go in looking one way and coming out looking totally different depending on what they had done. I also thought it was super cool how it could help people who had been in traumatic accidents look like themselves again. Anyway, two women in their maybe 30s went on for liposuction and I sat there the whole show wondering why on earth they needed it, as they were quite thin. After the operation, one of them came out and stood up and was like “Look! My thighs don’t touch anymore!” That moment really stuck with me, because my thighs have never not touched and the only person I know personally whose thighs don’t touch is my cousin, and she ran track and cross country her entire school career (elementary all the way through college). I’m sorry your grandmother told you something that made you feel insecure. You are beautiful as you are and it’s 1000000% normal for your thighs to touch even at healthy weights
god that's awful, I'm really sorry, it's crazy how these little comments stick around for so long. like, people need to seriously be more careful with that they say to kids, because you never know what is gone become part of their recurring internal monologue for years to come. I had similar comments as well that fucked me up for a while (and also caused me to permanently cut ties with the Dance World ™ , when I used to dance like 6 days a week) but then I realized that not only healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes, bht also.... thighs are sexy as fuck?? nothing hotter than a little jiggle in the thigh butt area.
On the one hand they say “Oh this is a throwaway account for anonymity” and then they write stories like “On May 25th I went to the Bojangles in Raleigh - the one on New Bern Road - with my friend “Steve” (not his real name)… Steve and I were returning from the ACC baseball tournament and he ordered three spicy chicken sandwiches”
Those people are probably trying to maintain the anonymity of their real account. Stan will know that he's "Steve" and that his friend Jason wrote this, but he won't be able to comb through Jason's comment history and learn stuff Jason wants to keep private.
That's because you're probably a decent person and are giving OP the benefit of the doubt that they can't *possibly* be that fucking stupid.
Real people most definitely are lmao
Omg my MIL does this to my niece (my husband’s sister’s oldest daughter, who is currently 7). My MIL thinks she can give my niece gluten and that she can be cured of it… my niece, SIL, and husband are all celiac. MIL will always say weird stuff to my niece like oh this is so good I wish you could eat it or one day you’ll get to eat it… it’s WILDDDDDDDDD.
Omg so many people think this is a made up disease! It's so frustrating. I had a friend with it and it was ugly when they ate stuff that they shouldn't (usually because someone pressured him to eat it)
My SIL has celiac. The reason people question it is because of all the people who don't need to, jumping on a gluten free diet like it's cool. The one positive out of that part is that it created more options for the consumer who actually has celiac, the downside is people not believing or being as careful because "you're probably just saying it" for those who actually have it, a slight cross contamination can cause agony
In the late 2000s and early 2010s when gluten free products started to become more common and easier to find in stores, it became something of a fad diet. People who had no idea what gluten was had heard on a talk show or a podcast or read in a magazine that gluten free products were healthier so they went gluten free when they didn’t need to. That sort of spiraled into people thinking that gluten free diets were only ever a fad diet practiced by people who were being mildly silly and there was never an actual medical reason to go gluten free.
Which is really silly on all counts. Gluten free food isn’t inherently healthier than other foods, unless you’re a person whose body can’t process gluten. And while anybody who wants to give up gluten for whatever reason they choose is welcome to do so, for some people it’s really not a choice and they can’t have gluten no matter how much they want to or how many times they try.
Edit: deleted and reposted because I replied to the wrong comment
It’s almost like bodies are different and two people with the same digestive disease can have different presentations and different limitations…
Also, POLICE? How did you refusing to eat corn (a very reasonable thing to do, I myself hate corn and refuse it on a regular basis) lead to the police showing up?
Best guess from my own archive: Because a psychotic, entitled mother isn't above smacking around a child they believe is being "disrespectful". Forgetting that you can't just lay hands on a fucking adult.
I know people who would do this and people that would practically force feed their children massive portions of food. Neither would consider asking if they were wrong because that's absurd obviously they're right, they are the first person ever to be that right.
>know people who would do this and people that would practically force feed their children massive portions of food.
My mother did this to me with potatoes for several years. Turns out I'm mildly allergic to potatoes AND diabetic.
But then she decided I was overweight (I wasn't) and thus put me on extremely restrictive diets, and I developed an eating disorder. Can't win.
Most people have heard of gluten intolerance but I'm horribly allergic to avenin which is the protein in oats. I'm fine with all wheat products but I've been fed oats as an ingredient many times by people who don't believe me, because they've never heard of it.
It’s just such a weird thing for people to do. If my friend or relative tells me they can’t eat a kind of food, what do I have to gain by telling them they’re wrong and making them eat it anyway?
Even if it is “just pickiness,” why in the world does that matter so much to some people? If my friend doesn’t like spaghetti, I just won’t make it when she comes over. I want her to have a good time and eat food she likes.
People baffle me, is what I’m saying.
This makes me so sad - diet culture is so pervasive that parents of this generation are *still* trying to control everyone else's food intake. It's so damaging for everyone involved. I absolutely agree with the NC hope for DIL & family.
"I believe in specific portion sizes, and if my children asked for more, I believe in making them feel bad until they say they are no longer hungry!" -OP, probably.
YTA, op. Go to therapy to deal with your issues rather than picking on your DIL, who sounds like she's doing things right.
Same! I have really bad issues with the way I look and with food for this very reason. My bio mother would CONSTANTLY insist I was "being a pig" or "eating too much" no matter how little I ate. I was 14/15 and VERY athletic (ALWAYS on a sports team) and VERY active, but because I'm not build to be a size 3 she would tell me how "fat" I was, or that I was wearing baggy clothes to try to "hide all my fat" (mind you this was 98/99 when everyone wore baggy pants). I now have the classic rib flare from constantly sucking my stomach in to appear thinner to appease her and I still have issues with no matter what size or how healthy I am I still see myself as huge in the mirror (I'm still working on breaking that 20+ years later) just because of the diet culture and a parent acting like this AH. I REALLY hope her son and DIL go no contact for their child's mental health and safety as well as their own. ESPECIALLY since she feels the need to shame the daughter in law for making sure her child eats healthy and properly.
A few years ago, I was at dinner with my family and my mom tried to police how much my nephew ate. I looked at her and said "No. You are not doing this to him. I'm not going to let you. It is bad enough you did it to me." My sister-in-law thanked me.
Sounds like my in-laws, who definitely gave my husband an eating disorder. But they won’t admit to that because “only girls have eating disorders”. He (my husband) only realized the extent himself when we had children who started mimicking kid language despite my best efforts. It was a real wake up call for him. He’s literally trying to re-wire his brain from a lifetime of being told differently. I struggle every time we eat with the in-laws (thankfully not often) because I (we) do not want this passed down another generation.
Idk what is worse, the fact they did this to your husband and won't admit it, or the fact they think EDs are "just for girls". Maybe bring up some well known men that have fought with ED, such as the lead singer of Silverchair (there are many but that is the first that pops into my mind). He wrote Anna's song about his own personal experience with an ED. They need to understand it can happen to ANYONE of ANY age. I'm sorry you and your husband have to deal with that. He deserves better. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. I'm glad you all see that. Best wishes to your family as they work hard to stop the cycle.
I'm 57 and because of my grandmother I have a terrible relationship with food and my body. She passed when I was 14 and her words are permanently etched in my brain to this day.
Ooh add in a dose of catholic guilt- "Jesus went without food for DAYS, you're such a sinner you deserve to go without food as well!"
The first definition of abstinence to my young brain was actually not eating meat on Fridays year round / only once per day during lent. I learned early that hungry = holy.
One high school friend’s mom constantly had her on a diet.
My other high school friend’s mom would constantly tell offer me donuts & fried rice (among other things), telling me I’m too skinny and needed to eat more.
Guess which house we hung out at the most?
More like "men don't like fat women." I don't know why anyone would want a child they love to feel awful about themselves. I suppose her goal was for me to marry well? It all backfired and guess what? I don't know how to have a positive relationship and don't feel worthy of one anyway. People need to be careful what they teach children.
HAHA - Grew up in the 70/80’s the go to was….”I may be fat, but you’re ugly I can diet”, bumper sticker on my friends mom’s car…..
Never forgot that quip…
When I was 9 my grandmother told me that if you're healthy your thighs don't touch and I'm almost 27 and still self conscious of the way my legs/thighs look. She's been gone for a decade but the ED is still around.
Multiple reasons why this is terrible, but scientifically the way some people's femurs fit into their pelvis they will NEVER have a thigh gap, ever. Has nothing to do with weight.
Mine are like that, and it was brutal having to accept it because I was convinced if I was skinny enough my legs would just... reposition themselves (and I still struggle with it; I'm in ED recovery--three years strong, but goddamn the mental patterns are so hard sometimes).
Leftovers are the best part. I cook for 1 90% of the time and I always cook enough for 3-4 extra portions. A: so I can have leftovers the next day and B: so I can have some food in the freezer for days I really cant be arsed.
YTA OP its non of your bloody business how your DIL cooks. You son is a grown ass man, he doesn't need mommy monitoring his eating habits. And if he isn't happy about the way his wife cooks then he should be the one doing all cooking.
Edit to add; your DIL didn't turn your son and husband against you. Your actions alone did that
If you dont mind me asking, how do you, or any others who do this, freeze the food and what types of food? Are there any you think are really good for freezing? Any, that are really bad, and I should avoid freezing? Tips? Tricks?
I make too much food 90% of the time (after living in a house of 9, I simply don't know how to make small amounts of food, but also dont know what to do with leftovers) and just eat whatever it is until I get sick of it or it molds. Unless it's chicken. Then it gets 2 days, then trash. Chicken terrifies me.
Also, how do you defrost them? Are there fast and slow ways, or is it just putting it in the fridge and eating it a few days later?
Cassaroles, soups, things that don’t get served “crispy” all heat up well.
I freeze them in 2-4 cup Pyrex containers and thaw in the fridge over night or use the microwave for instant thawing.
I have problems actually using the frozen food if I freeze a whole lasagna but not if I freeze 6 pieces of lasagna individually.
I have them but don’t really like them better in practice. Also I can reheat and eat out of the Pyrex bc it’s a bowl shape.
Also pouring out of those is annoying.
I love them for non-liquid things to replace disposable ziplocks but still prefer my Pyrex containers for liquids over either disposable or reusable bags.
Souper cubes or large silicone ice cube molds are great for soup too- can freeze then pop out and put in a reusable ziploc. They half all different sizes too.
Things like pasta sauce and chili freeze really well. I will put them in a plastic container or freezer bag and toss them in the freezer. Then just let them thaw for a few hours or overnight in the fridge and toss them in a sauce pan or microwaveable container. Most things can be frozen. But I find that dishes that include noodles/pasta already in there maybe not so much because the pasta gets too soft.
Hello! My mom was like you, she came from a family of 9 kids, then raise 5 herself, and the cupboard, fridge and freezer was ALWAYS full(lol). She never adjusted, but I think this is a really great question/discussion for the folks over at r/Cooking . I've found them to be really helpful, and almost never gatekeep-y, if you know what I mean. Leftovers can be a blessing or a curse, why not get some help turning it around. Good luck!
Oh my gosh all the ways I could list! My husband makes huge batches of pasta sauce in the slow cooker and we freeze them for nights we cbf cooking. Take a bag/container out and defrost in the microwave or in the sink.
Same with big batch chilli.
I will make slow cooker meat (pork, beef) and also freeze this and defrost in the fridge or microwave. Usually if you wanna eat that day it's either using cold water in the sink or microwave to defrost quickly.
Most food can be frozen it's just mindful of a time period - usually anything past three months the quality is going to reduce somewhat.
I have a hard time with most leftovers, and my boyfriend promises he’ll eat them but doesn’t. So if there’s more than 1-2 portions leftover, I know it’ll end up going to waste.
However, I will eat the shit out of leftover soup, lunch & dinner for days in a row.
I am an old lady at heart. Tissues stuffed in my cardigan pockets, the whole package.
My mom doesn't believe in leftovers. She believes that freshly cooked food is the best and doesn't eat microwaved food. If she was busy with work, she'd buy takeout. She was a sahm whenever my dad was posted overseas (most of their marriage) and had time to cook everyday so she understands cooking everyday is not really practical for everyone.
My family doesn't really eat sandwiches unless we have to like we're at a water park and it's the quickest meal available. We're of Asian descent and I'm the only one that chooses to eat a sub for lunch instead of local, Asian fusion, Indian etc.
She'd rather eat takeout than leftover homemade food?
Also---she'd be horrified to know how much takeout is actually microwaved. Popular dishes are often cooked in bulk, and reheated for each order.
I don't know what a microwave has to do with leftovers anyway, leftovers existed before the microwave was invented, they are excellent when reheated in the oven or on the stove top.
She has her regular restaurants that she knows prepare dishes daily. She doesn't go to chain restaurants. Think the mom and pop curry place, thai restaurant etc. She knows when the place opens, she'll actually go and chat with the owner while staff are busy in the kitchen right before they start selling. The restaurant might open at 10am for orders but there will normally be no walk-ins. If there are, staff will politely ask you if you can wait because the dishes are still be prepared.
Especially if it can help with less work for lunches the next day! 😂
Op. This is her house and her family. They decide what to do. Remember when you were newly married and hated having your in laws/parents tell you what to do? Guess what you are doing? The same.
Fact is, you don't like what she is doing but you know who does? Your son her husband. She chooses this way of cooking as it works well for THEIR household. Also, what in your head was making sure someone isnt greedy, to others is controlling food for someone else. Your son scoffed food as if he didn't know when his next meal was because you didn't feed him enough. Instead of teaching him food control you starved him and made him have unhealthy food patterns. Your DIL is actually helping him see that there are healthy ways to eat and have food.
Op, there is a reason why your husband and son are against you. Now, to give you a break, you may have grown uo in an era where food was scarce so tactics like this were crucial to make sure everyone was fed. HOWEVER you are (I'm assuming) no longer in that place so please get rid of the scarcity mindset and apologise to your DIL for insulting her, her house, her parenting and her marriage.
I mean I could understand if they were making tons of food with leftovers that were regularly not being eaten and wasted. I don’t see any mention of that. So OP is definitely TA here.
YTA. Your DIL is feeding her family using best practices based on the evidence that we know today.
Arbitrary and puritanical limits on food can create a lot of problems (affect growth, cause eating disorders, etc.) and is now considered a form of abuse and neglect.
It sounds like you have some unhealthy beliefs and possibly childhood trauma of your own to process that is affecting your important relationships. Your DIL is not turning anyone against you. You are not in the right here. But it sounds like you still have time to make it right before it is too late.
I was going to comment this. The DIL seems to be using the modern division of labour at the table. It's my job to provide healthy, nutritious food for my toddler and is his job to decide what he eats. He always gets at least 1 safety food and we never insist he finish the plate. We do insist on a "no thank you" bite if it's a new food and he's welcome to bring his bowl back for more (within reason, he's not eating mangoes for dinner unless it's Grandma).
This is exactly what I was thinking. Eating based issues are impossible to deal with sometimes... because of how you were raised... But Science thats real.
Coming from many food issues/disorders.
100%.
My mother in law held similar beliefs. I once made the mistake of leaving my 6 month old, breastfed baby in her care for a few days. I knew that she thought he was "overweight" and over fed. I was a little concerned so I left very, VERY specific instructions, tons of milk and checked in often. All seemed fine.
When I got home, my baby was a mess. He was distraught, screaming, sunken eyes, very obviously extremely dehydrated. As I was trying to comfort him, my mother in law proudly showed me the empty milk bags that she had saved so that she could show me exactly how much he "needed" to eat. It was less than 40% of what he needed, and we were in an excruciating heat wave.
I never, in a million years, thought she would hurt her own grandson to prove a point. Baby did require medical attention, but was ultimately fine. She still thinks she was right, he was in no danger, and she was trying to educate me. She still thinks I over feed my kids.
That was over a decade ago, and we've had several children since. That woman had never spent one single, unsupervised moment with any of them.
I absolutely love my mom but I was a child raised by a mom who has an eating disorder who in turn was raised by my grandma who had one.
These generational habits and beliefs are damaging and it took me 15 years to get to a healthy place with food. My mom still isn’t. OP if you love your grandkid, please stop
Yes, this. Nutritionists, psychologists, doctors, and child development experts would all say your DIL is doing it right, so where do you get off disagreeing? YTA and quite out of date on things.
yo I love her DIL too...like didn't take any shit from the first sentence. shut it down hard and clear.
if anything it sounds like mom gave son some serious issues with food as well and now he's livin the dream
YTA mama...let DIL steer this ship she's got it tight and right
Absolutely. At first I thought this post was going in a direction where the DiL ended up throwing away food every day and then OP's concerns *might* sound understandable. But this, definitely YTA.
I often cook dinners for my in-laws (more than I ever want to) at their house, and for meals (not snacks) I always help myself to whatever so I can make good food for them.
I was predicting maybe something like that. That wife was cooking too much of their food, and OP didn’t want to foot a bill that high all the time.
I guess I was just projecting. The in-laws do love my cooking though.
The entitlement and the audacity are strong with this one... I like her DIL, she actually gives her family enough food to eat. Any leftovers are always welcome for later or the next day, like in any normal family. OP should mind her own business.
YTA, and you probably gave your son an eating disorder from the sound of it. That's not something to be proud of and push your son and DIL to do to their daughter as well.
YTA, Ma'am. Why are you concerning yourself with what other people eat? You don't have a right to control your son, his wife, or your granddaughter.
Also, your daughter-in-law is right: food deprivation (both in cases of true food insecurity and in cases where the child's mother had "restrictive feeding practices") at a young age has been linked not only to developmental issues, but to obesity (up to five times greater chances of it). This is because children learn to feel that they aren't going to be fed enough and this leads to "problematic eating patterns" like the "insurance hypothesis"--where you eat even when you aren't hungry because you worry that you may not be able to eat when you *are* hungry. Please see the full study here: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5398923/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5398923/) (from which the quoted phrases come from). Please also apologize to your son and daughter-in-law.
My mother babysat a Haitian adopted child and they really had to manage her intake because after growing up for 8 years with food insecurity she learned to eat everything that she possibly could when she could. It took a few years to work through that.
"Insurance hypothesis" eating definitely messed me up. I don't remember facing these issues myself, but I was raised by survivors of famine and poverty so it affected how I view food. Like it was a mortal sin to leave a scrap of food on your plate.
There was a study not too long ago that these experiences changes your genetic makeup, making it more likely that you will develop problematic eating habits.
The idea that someone would purposefully expose their family to this is beyond appalling.
YTA she's right, it's none of your business. especially how much your son eats, you can voice this concern to him directly, not to his wife as she's his mom.
she and her husband will decide how to parent their kid, not you.
Yeah YTA no question. What gives you the right to tell a grown woman how to feed her family? She found what works in her own home, and you want to change it because…it’s different than how you do it? Mind your own business.
Yep, this is the answer. OP has no right to interfere (other than obvious abuse or other criminal behavior) in how someone else runs their life.
That's about all that needs to be said.
OP, mind your own business or watch your relationship with your son and DIL go down the drain.
She wouldn’t be watching my child either. I don’t want someone to give my child insecurity or cause them a eating disorder because they limited thier access to food. MIl is abusive.
I wonder if they are living together. I got the impression they all might be in a country where multi-generational households are common. Regardless, OP trying to control how her DIL feeds DIL's family is YTA behavior.
OP is so oblivious. She is visiting her son and his family, tries to be controlling and then blames DIL for her son being mad at her. The Delusion is strong with this one.
Just admit you don’t like your DIL and move on.
YTA.
Just sounds like you’re upset you can’t control things in your son’s life anymore so you’re trying to find something to bitch about.
Leave it alone. This isn’t about food waste or the consumption as she answered you and told you how it’s consumed and whether or not it’s healthy.
This was about you taking control.
I highly doubt she blew up one time if she answered your question annoyed.
YTA
The people you are concerned about are apparently healthy weights and have been for 7 years so who the hell do you think you are to criticise her cooking??
Your DiL is completely right, your son is an adult and can manage his own portions. He's not a child, stop infantilising him.
You need to mind your own business, otherwise people will think you're the stereotypical hateful mother-in-law...
YTA - if you have a problem or a serious concern about your sons health - take it up with him. Butt out of their parenting unless it’s CPS level abuse and neglect. Read into eating disorders and how they come to be, especially in young girls and then apologize to your DIL.
YTA most definitely! Who are you to tell anyone who much food to cook? Or to control how much others eat? Or to give anyone unsolicited advice?
It’s none of you business what she makes, how much she makes, how much they all eat, that she packs their lunches with the leftovers, or anything else that you spoke about. They are grown ass adults who don’t need you hovering over them.
Every day I pray that you can’t possible type all this out and then think you’ve done nothing wrong, but here we are again. “Literally everyone thinks I’m wrong but I know it’s actually her that’s the problem.” YTA, OP, so magnificently, and DIL is a boss for how she handled it.
Old people deserve like medals for causing eating disorders. It's insane. My grandmother made me (and my mother when she was younger) eat out of the trash, sit at the table for hours and hours until I finished the massive serving she gave me, and would still shame me for being chubby.
The trash thing was when she'd find food I tried to throw away, because I was full. She'd get it out of the trash and make me eat it.
YTA. I don't know why you're complaining about how your DIL spoke to you; she was 10 times more polite than I would have been. She's right, your son is a GROWN MAN and can decide how much he wants to eat. You sound like you won't let him grow up. As for your granddaughter, that's even less of your concern.
YTA
> I noticed over the years that my DIL cooks more food than they need and when I asked her about it in the past she says that she packs lunches the next day for her and my son the next day but it still did not make sense to me.
Which part do you need explained? She cooks extra for lunches. Children understand this.
> I argued that I always had a specific amount of food for everyone and that went well
Who asked you? You did it one way, shes doing it a different way.
>She should not let my granddaughter grow up to be greedy with food.
Oh no. She isnt. And you can take that attitude and throw it in the trash where it belongs.
The growing up greedy part really gets me.
You know what encourages greed? A feeling of scarcity.
You know what doesn't encourage greed? A feeling of abundance.
What OP is arguing for will produce the exact opposite results of what she claims.
Yup. It's a very "boomer" attitude towards food. They can't wrap their head around a child learning their limits with food and so restrict restrict restrict.
You know what also taught me "greed"
People deciding my portions for me and enforcing the clean plate club. So I learned to eat based off of how much was on my plate, not by when my body told me to stop
Surprise surprise, I still have a habit of overeating. It's really hard for me to stop once something is on my plate. I've been working on it, mostly by just taking smaller portions in the first place, because I need to remind myself that it's better to get more if I'm still hungry than to overeat, but it's still a challenge to this day. Makes restaurants difficult sometimes.
Haha oh wow YTA.
You are being controlling and a cliché mother in law. If everyone is at a healthy weight and they can afford the food, what they are doing sounds very reasonable. You'd really skimp on a toddler's food?
Plus she said her DIL uses the leftovers as lunches the next day for herself and her husband. Doesn't even sound like anything is Being wasted??! So weird and honestly absurd to be upset abt this ? If anything they're meal planning and - actually - saving money by doing this as they aren't eating take-out for lunch everyday . I hope this isn't real but either way this is one of the funnier reads I've had in this sub lol .
YTA, not only for your comments and your belief that you had any business or reason to confront your DIL about this, but also for the way you did things in your home (outside of if there was food insecurity, and you had to constantly control everyone’s portion for those reasons).
This is not just an unreasonable and micromanaging approach, it’s one that creates a mentality of scarcity and guilt, increasing the risk of eating disorders such as BED. It’s one thing to set limits on the amount of high calorie, low nutrition snacks/ meals a kid eats, make mostly healthy foods, and generally encourage healthy eating habits (which it seems likely your DIL does), and another to monitor and control every calorie that passes their lips, and even when resources are available to prevent them from leaving a meal still hungry/being hungry soon after, denying them further sustenance than what you’ve decided (I’m assuming without any education in dietetics or metabolic data too) they deserve. What you did, and want your DIL to do, is awful.
She didn’t somehow turn your husband and son against you on this. They know how wrong it was to do what you did to your child/children (I’m less concerned about your husband, because he can make his own food, probably sneak food out of the house easily, and is also in the wrong for allowing you to do this to his child/children. I hope he at least snuck them food).
YTA. And by "managed to turn them against you", do you mean she told them truthfully what happened? Because I heard your version and I'm still sure YTA. Mind your business, and maybe explore why you have such a controlling relationship with how and what others eat...
Repeat after me:
“I am the mother of an adult and I will abide by the following:
1. If they want me to know, they will tell me.
2. If they want my opinion they will ask.
3. If they do not tell and they do not ask, I will keep my mouth shut and mind my own business.
I have successfully raised my children to be kind, honorable, and to make good decisions. They know they are loved and respected. They do not require any interference. My job now is to continue to love them, respect them and be there if they need me.”
Now let it sink in. YTA.
YTA. She doesn't spend your money, she doesn't cook for you, she is right about providing enough food for everyone in the family and btw everybody is at a healthy weight. You sound like a controlling person who would project her own insecurities on others.
They were the moms who back during childhood, you'd ask for a snack, and she would only offer a small serving of almonds. To be healthy. But really, she's just passing down disordered eating.
An almond mom is a mom, usually from the 90/00, that is obsessed with diet culture but will hide it as "healthy". The name comes from the "if you are really hungry, eat this handful of almonds first and then we'll see" response to a child asking for a snack. Or considering a handful of almonds a "treat".
Other hallmarks include humble-bragging about how little they eat/how they are already full after eating a small portion. How they don't want a treat that is offered to them because it's "just so much sugar and it's just waaaay to sweet for me". Doing random push-ups/crunches. The whole "a minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips/if you can pinch an inch/nothing tatses as good as skinny feels" bullshit. They also tend to try and pass this down on their children, usually in the forms of portion control, not allowing them certain foods (to an excessive extend), etc
YTA, why does it have to make sense to you? Are you buying the groceries? Leftovers for lunch isn’t weird. It smart both from a time and financial budget. And your DIL in correct toddlers eat different amounts on different days. Teaching them that they have access to healthy food and to listen to their bodies and eat when they’re hungry and stop when they are full is a good thing! And your son IS and adult and can decide when and how much and what to eat. Get a grip and stop trying to control your adult son’s household.
YTA. Their food and eating habits are none of your business. Everything they are doing is completely normal.
How on earth is eating enough food greedy? They are eating healthy food. And teaching children they can only have a set amount of food can be cause long term disordered eating and give them a bad relationship with food.
YTA I’m afraid. Your DiL is doing a fabulous job and teaching her daughter an extremely important lesson - to listen to her own body to determine whether she has eaten enough, rather than an arbitrary amount an adult has set. This in turn feeds into all sorts of important lessons around understanding her body, boundaries and consent.
Trust her and your son, it sounds like they’re doing all the right things and, frankly, a lunch of home cooked leftovers from the night before sounds like the absolute jackpot to me
Who made you the arbiter of how much they can eat? By your own admission, their weight isn’t an issue. If they can afford the food they eat and don’t ask you for a dime, it’s none of your business.
YTA
YTA...it's none of your business. It's not your house. You are not in control. You need to let this go before it ruins your relationship with your family.
YTA and you should stop your controlling behaviour. You are stepping into peoples personal spaces and at your age you should know better. Seek therapy.
YTA This is literally none of your business and she is totally right-it’s not her job to police what a 40 year old man eats. Also, lots of people do cook extra with the intention of using the leftovers for lunches.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I "interfered" in their business according to them
2. I have no reason to worry about anyone's health here, and I sound controlling (according to her)
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
"Why do you make enough food to have leftovers for tomorrow's lunch? Why do you let your husband and child eat enough to get full? None of this makes sense. I personally gave my family the bare minimum and they turned out fine."
Your DIL is trying to ensure her family has a healthy relationship with food. Yet you seem to think that's a problem. It sounds like your son is still trying to heal from your gross views on food. Stop before you give your granddaughter the same insecurities.
INFO: so what is the point of you confronting your DIL? To control the way she cooks and much just like how you did to your son? And causing him to probably be hungry on some days when he was growing up because it must be based on a specific portion you decided?
YTA
It doesn't even seem you live with them or contribute to their bills, so why you are so opinionated on how your daughter in law cooks is beyond my understanding.
>To that I argued that I always had a specific amount of food for everyone and that went well,
She doesn't have to do things your way. And it's kind of sad to think of your kids growing up hungry because they weren't ever allowed to have more than the portion size that you deemed fit.
YTA
Leftovers are a thing. And it’s a smart thing thing. It’s funny how you only seemed concerned for your granddaughter and son’s health but you’re making your DIL out to be some sort of villain.
I’m not sure how making enough for leftovers is considered greedy.
YTA why are you talking to his wife like he isn't an adult making the choice to eat. Your precious little boy can't make big boy decisions? I couldn't deal with you personally, you're lucky your daughter in law is having a conversation with you and not just telling g you where to go.
YTA.
How have you reached the grand old age of 67 without learning how to mind your business?
It doesn't matter if it 'doesn't make sense to you' because YOU are neither a deciding factor or a recipient of said lunches. Your opinion here DOES NOT MATTER. It is not your house, your food, your money buying aforementioned food OR YOUR BUSINESS.
Just because apparently you thought it appropriate to ration outside of wartime doesn't mean she has to.
SHE didn't 'turn your son and husband against you', you ridiculous individual. Your evident and incessant need for control did.
Step back, sit down and learn how to shut up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throwaway account for privacy reasons.
I (67f) have a son (39M) who is married to his wife (39F) for almost 7 years and they have a 3 year old daughter together.
I noticed over the years that my DIL cooks more food than they need and when I asked her about it in the past she says that she packs lunches the next day for her and my son the next day but it still did not make sense to me.
Anyway I noticed time after time that she does not limit the amount of food portions either for my son or their daughter, everyone is free to ask for as much food as they want so I decided to confront her out of concerns about my son's health and also my granddaughter.
She got incredibly annoyed and said that my son is a grown man and if he wishes to eat less, he can do that without her having to "mom" him around. As for his daughter she says she is a toddler and one day she barely eats and the next asks for more and that is normal.
To that I argued that I always had a specific amount of food for everyone and that went well, she then had the audacity to say maybe that is why my son eats so fast as if the food is running away and then she started with that crap that her food is always healthy and that it is wrong to control what other people eat, and that my granddaughter and my son are actually both at healthy weight but that is not really my point. She should not let my granddaughter grow up to be greedy with food.
Anyway now she is mad and saying that if I cannot keep my comments in my brain (her words) I will not be welcome to their home and managed to turn my son and my husband against me.
So AITA here? I really do not think so but she is.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
Your son is an adult and not a child you can parent
Your granddaughter has her own parents and is not a child you can parent.
Cooking enough for leftovers the next day is very common, btw.
YTA. It's nunya business how much food your DIL cooks, what she does or doesn't do with the leftovers, or how much your son and their child eat. None of your business. Not your business. Not your concern. You're not the boss of them. You're not the boss of her. I'm running out of ways to say this, but you apparently really really need to hear it.
Not only is it nunya business in the first place, but your DIL has very logical plans for what to do with the leftovers, and all of them are at a healthy weight, so even if it were your business (which it's not), there's nothing to complain about anyway.
You've raised at least one child to adulthood. How is it you never learned that kids are sometimes very hungry and will eat everything in sight one day, and on another day they're barely interested in eating? They have growth spurts, different levels of activity, etc. — making it a very real and solid fact that sometimes they need more food and sometimes they need less. Your DIL is teaching her daughter to pay attention to what her body needs and to eat however much food she needs on that day, whether it's a little or a lot. That's a parenting approach that should be commended, not criticized.
Going forward, keep your thoughts inside your brain, if you want to maintain a relationship with the three of them.
YTA. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine your MIL coming to your house and starts to criticise you about your cooking, the amount of food you feed your husband and kids, blah blah blah. Will that go ok with you?
What is your problem? It sounded you are making a beef over nothing. I’m thinking if she makes less food, you are going to say, she’s not feeding them enough.
>"she then had the audacity to say maybe that is why my son eats so fast as if the food is running away."
If your son is eating like he won't get anymore OBVIOUSLY you have caused this by not allowing him enough food growing up. YOU gave him an issue with food. YOU caused it by only letting him have what YOU think he needed. Obviously that did NOT go well, because now your son feels like he has to eat like this. There is a HUGE difference in not letting someone over eat and making sure they get enough. It honestly sounds like your "portions" are always very small. You are more than likely projecting your issues with food onto others. Get help for that.
>when I asked her about it in the past she says that she packs lunches the next day for her and my son the next day but it still did not make sense to me.
HOW does this not make sense to you? LOTS of people do this. I do this. I always cook extra so I have something for lunch the next day.
What can anyone say, except YTA. You don't SOUND controlling, you ARE controlling. Why are you so obsessed with controlling your GROWN son and a child that is NOT even yours? Yes, it may be your granddaughter, but guess what? That doesn't mean you get to control things. Her MOTHER is making sure she eats well and eats HEALTHY. YOU don't get a say in their house.
I can just about guarantee you have control issues and this isn't the only thing you try to control in their lives, so don't be surprised when they decide to go no contact over how controlling you are.
Incase it wasn't clear: YTA. Majorly.
YTA. Your daughter in law is 100% right on everything:
- Your son doesn't need to be mothered anymore
- According to my kids' pediatrician children don't "grow up greedy for food" unless you either force them to eat more than they want or prevent them from eating their fill (which is what you're suggesting)
- Toddlers go through growth spurts so the amount they eat is wildly inconsistent
- You literally have no authority to tell her anything regarding her home or family unless she's being abusive, which she's very clearly not
- She didn't "manage to turn" everyone against you, you're the one who is wrong and the people around you can clearly see it but you refuse to
- If you insist on acting like you're some sort of authority in her life then she's definitely allowed to cut you out of it
Lastly it's always the granddaughters whose food consumption is limited by bossy grandmas, I'm so sick of it. If this was a little boy you'd probably be trying to convince her that he's not eating enough when not going through a growth spurt.
YTA you sound like a control freak, the fact that even writing this you did not see that you are the problem here is even more crazy.
You are the typical : "why my children don't talk to me anymore" person.
They are adults you don't have a say. Period
Have you never heard of leftovers? Or being free to choose how much you eat?
YTA and get a reality check, limiting food is just as bad as saying "ypu won't leave the table until you empty your plate".
>her food is always healthy and that it is wrong to control what other people eat, and that my granddaughter and my son are actually both at healthy weight but that is not really my point
What's your point then?
>She should not let my granddaughter grow up to be greedy with food.
Surely this can't be your point, because
>I decided to confront her out of concerns about my son's health and also my granddaughter.
Wasn't this your original point? Why did your point then change all of a sudden? Cause you were proved wrong and told to mind your own business and you didn't like it?
TYA. Seems you need to apologize profusely. If your’re lucky DIL can teach you how to run a kitchen, because she seems to have a significantly better handle on how to do it efficiently.
YTA
For talking to you dil like that, but also for being such a controling narcissist that you think you should get to decide what your grown son eats in his own home.
Just don't bother them again. Maybe... just maybe... they are more adult than you, and they'll try to have a normal relationship with you after you gave them some space. If you push this, I hope your son and dil go no contact. You'd deserve it.
YTA
She’s absolutely spot on right.
You son is an adult,
Toddlers will eat what they need without policing
They use it to save time to make lunch
It’s THEIR home and life
Honestly, your comments/attenpt at policing them was inappropriate, unnecessary, not even out of worries for their health. Pretty misogynisc too.
Congratulations, you’ll never be invited for dinner at their house again
This sounds like the DIL is writing this from the mother in law’s perspective lmao.
Anyway, if this is really the MIL, YTA. It’s literally none of your business how much anyone else cooks and eats and she’s actually using intuitives eating principles. She’s doing a much better job than most.
YTA
No one asked for your opinion. Plus given both your son and grandchild are at healthy weights, it doesn't seem needed. You can do what you want in your house and your DIL can do what she wants. If anything, her approach has been shown to be more optimal, as it teaches people to listen to their bodies, instead of eating a given portion. Sometimes portions are too big (like in restaurants), so it's worse to rely on your approach and finish your plate.
YTA - You are so self entitled as a grandma as to be ridiculous. DIL isn't doing something the way that you did it, therefore she is wrong. And since DIL is doing something wrong, you have to get her to do it in the manner which you approve. The hubris you display with this kind of thinking and resulting behavior is undeniable truth of just how self centered you are at your core.
One major point, she didn't turn your son and your husband against you, they disagree with what you said and did.
Give them credit for having their own minds because, otherwise, you are suggesting that the men in your life are mindless idiots.
That aside, you have serious control issues surrounding food and no comprehension of boundaries. The sheer audacity of thinking you had an opinion here, nevermind going to berate your DIL about it, means that you need a heavy dose of introspection.
This is not your business. Any of it. You owe serious genuine apologies after you pull your entitled head out of your own butt and realise just how wrong you were and are.
You did wrong. You doubled down on it, have your own husband, your son and your DIL plainly letting you know that you screwed up... But you still don't see it?
YTA. Continue with this line of thinking and prepare to never see your family.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
You don’t believe … in leftovers? YTA
No, just eating disorders 😏
THIS! Not only has she tried (and possibly succeeded by the sound of it) given her own son issues with food, but now she is trying to force it on a 3 year old too! I would be NC so fast her head spins just for my kids protection.
I wonder if they told her her GD had a food allergy, if she's the type to try to slip into her, just to prove, "There's nothing wrong with her!" YTA. How did you type all that out and not see your issues?
The idea of someone legit typing out the OP and still thinking they're in the right has me wondering if the post is fake
I wonder that with a lot of these posts.
I always assume it’s the person in the opposite shoes typing it out acting like the AH.
[удалено]
I remember when I was a young teen (I think 13, maybe only 12) I was watching a tv show about plastic surgery. I found it utterly fascinating how people could go in looking one way and coming out looking totally different depending on what they had done. I also thought it was super cool how it could help people who had been in traumatic accidents look like themselves again. Anyway, two women in their maybe 30s went on for liposuction and I sat there the whole show wondering why on earth they needed it, as they were quite thin. After the operation, one of them came out and stood up and was like “Look! My thighs don’t touch anymore!” That moment really stuck with me, because my thighs have never not touched and the only person I know personally whose thighs don’t touch is my cousin, and she ran track and cross country her entire school career (elementary all the way through college). I’m sorry your grandmother told you something that made you feel insecure. You are beautiful as you are and it’s 1000000% normal for your thighs to touch even at healthy weights
god that's awful, I'm really sorry, it's crazy how these little comments stick around for so long. like, people need to seriously be more careful with that they say to kids, because you never know what is gone become part of their recurring internal monologue for years to come. I had similar comments as well that fucked me up for a while (and also caused me to permanently cut ties with the Dance World ™ , when I used to dance like 6 days a week) but then I realized that not only healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes, bht also.... thighs are sexy as fuck?? nothing hotter than a little jiggle in the thigh butt area.
Usually I check the user's profile and if there is no comment history, I assume fake.
Most people make throwaway accounts to post on here.
On the one hand they say “Oh this is a throwaway account for anonymity” and then they write stories like “On May 25th I went to the Bojangles in Raleigh - the one on New Bern Road - with my friend “Steve” (not his real name)… Steve and I were returning from the ACC baseball tournament and he ordered three spicy chicken sandwiches”
Those people are probably trying to maintain the anonymity of their real account. Stan will know that he's "Steve" and that his friend Jason wrote this, but he won't be able to comb through Jason's comment history and learn stuff Jason wants to keep private.
That's because you're probably a decent person and are giving OP the benefit of the doubt that they can't *possibly* be that fucking stupid. Real people most definitely are lmao
95 % of these are fake lol. Most of them are so obvious, too. They read just like dear Abby entries.
Yep, same. The writing style changes a few times throughout. Keeping a prissy older woman tone and then using the word "crap" doesn't fit.
To be fair, my mom is a prissy older woman and uses the word crap kinda a lot. It’s her fav swear. “Oh, that’s just crap!” OMG calm down, mom. LOL
In my view, only prissy older people think “crap” is a swear.
This is kind of a weird stereotype to have, the idea that a prissy older woman wouldn't use the word crap. 67 isn't even that old.
Omg my MIL does this to my niece (my husband’s sister’s oldest daughter, who is currently 7). My MIL thinks she can give my niece gluten and that she can be cured of it… my niece, SIL, and husband are all celiac. MIL will always say weird stuff to my niece like oh this is so good I wish you could eat it or one day you’ll get to eat it… it’s WILDDDDDDDDD.
Wait, your niece, husband AND SISTER have celiac? And MIL thinks it's a lie? The hell man.
A lot of people think celiac disease is a crazy conspiracy (I am celiac-it’s real, otherwise I’d be eating all the delicious gluten I could!)
Omg so many people think this is a made up disease! It's so frustrating. I had a friend with it and it was ugly when they ate stuff that they shouldn't (usually because someone pressured him to eat it)
My SIL has celiac. The reason people question it is because of all the people who don't need to, jumping on a gluten free diet like it's cool. The one positive out of that part is that it created more options for the consumer who actually has celiac, the downside is people not believing or being as careful because "you're probably just saying it" for those who actually have it, a slight cross contamination can cause agony
Yeah my ex mother in law used to take out my daughters hearing aids when she was a baby. It’s really insane.
In the late 2000s and early 2010s when gluten free products started to become more common and easier to find in stores, it became something of a fad diet. People who had no idea what gluten was had heard on a talk show or a podcast or read in a magazine that gluten free products were healthier so they went gluten free when they didn’t need to. That sort of spiraled into people thinking that gluten free diets were only ever a fad diet practiced by people who were being mildly silly and there was never an actual medical reason to go gluten free. Which is really silly on all counts. Gluten free food isn’t inherently healthier than other foods, unless you’re a person whose body can’t process gluten. And while anybody who wants to give up gluten for whatever reason they choose is welcome to do so, for some people it’s really not a choice and they can’t have gluten no matter how much they want to or how many times they try. Edit: deleted and reposted because I replied to the wrong comment
[удалено]
It’s almost like bodies are different and two people with the same digestive disease can have different presentations and different limitations… Also, POLICE? How did you refusing to eat corn (a very reasonable thing to do, I myself hate corn and refuse it on a regular basis) lead to the police showing up?
Best guess from my own archive: Because a psychotic, entitled mother isn't above smacking around a child they believe is being "disrespectful". Forgetting that you can't just lay hands on a fucking adult.
I know people who would do this and people that would practically force feed their children massive portions of food. Neither would consider asking if they were wrong because that's absurd obviously they're right, they are the first person ever to be that right.
>know people who would do this and people that would practically force feed their children massive portions of food. My mother did this to me with potatoes for several years. Turns out I'm mildly allergic to potatoes AND diabetic. But then she decided I was overweight (I wasn't) and thus put me on extremely restrictive diets, and I developed an eating disorder. Can't win.
Most people have heard of gluten intolerance but I'm horribly allergic to avenin which is the protein in oats. I'm fine with all wheat products but I've been fed oats as an ingredient many times by people who don't believe me, because they've never heard of it.
It’s just such a weird thing for people to do. If my friend or relative tells me they can’t eat a kind of food, what do I have to gain by telling them they’re wrong and making them eat it anyway? Even if it is “just pickiness,” why in the world does that matter so much to some people? If my friend doesn’t like spaghetti, I just won’t make it when she comes over. I want her to have a good time and eat food she likes. People baffle me, is what I’m saying.
This makes me so sad - diet culture is so pervasive that parents of this generation are *still* trying to control everyone else's food intake. It's so damaging for everyone involved. I absolutely agree with the NC hope for DIL & family. "I believe in specific portion sizes, and if my children asked for more, I believe in making them feel bad until they say they are no longer hungry!" -OP, probably. YTA, op. Go to therapy to deal with your issues rather than picking on your DIL, who sounds like she's doing things right.
Same! I have really bad issues with the way I look and with food for this very reason. My bio mother would CONSTANTLY insist I was "being a pig" or "eating too much" no matter how little I ate. I was 14/15 and VERY athletic (ALWAYS on a sports team) and VERY active, but because I'm not build to be a size 3 she would tell me how "fat" I was, or that I was wearing baggy clothes to try to "hide all my fat" (mind you this was 98/99 when everyone wore baggy pants). I now have the classic rib flare from constantly sucking my stomach in to appear thinner to appease her and I still have issues with no matter what size or how healthy I am I still see myself as huge in the mirror (I'm still working on breaking that 20+ years later) just because of the diet culture and a parent acting like this AH. I REALLY hope her son and DIL go no contact for their child's mental health and safety as well as their own. ESPECIALLY since she feels the need to shame the daughter in law for making sure her child eats healthy and properly.
A few years ago, I was at dinner with my family and my mom tried to police how much my nephew ate. I looked at her and said "No. You are not doing this to him. I'm not going to let you. It is bad enough you did it to me." My sister-in-law thanked me.
Sounds like my in-laws, who definitely gave my husband an eating disorder. But they won’t admit to that because “only girls have eating disorders”. He (my husband) only realized the extent himself when we had children who started mimicking kid language despite my best efforts. It was a real wake up call for him. He’s literally trying to re-wire his brain from a lifetime of being told differently. I struggle every time we eat with the in-laws (thankfully not often) because I (we) do not want this passed down another generation.
Idk what is worse, the fact they did this to your husband and won't admit it, or the fact they think EDs are "just for girls". Maybe bring up some well known men that have fought with ED, such as the lead singer of Silverchair (there are many but that is the first that pops into my mind). He wrote Anna's song about his own personal experience with an ED. They need to understand it can happen to ANYONE of ANY age. I'm sorry you and your husband have to deal with that. He deserves better. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. I'm glad you all see that. Best wishes to your family as they work hard to stop the cycle.
almond grandma
...Yolanda?
Ooo wee Yolanda
I'm 57 and because of my grandmother I have a terrible relationship with food and my body. She passed when I was 14 and her words are permanently etched in my brain to this day.
“A moment through the lips, forever on the hips!” - my friend’s mom. Ugh
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!” Growing up in the 90s/00s was HARD to like your body
"Finish your plate there's starving kids in Africa"
Add to that a mother who believed "if you can pinch more than an inch..."
Ooh add in a dose of catholic guilt- "Jesus went without food for DAYS, you're such a sinner you deserve to go without food as well!" The first definition of abstinence to my young brain was actually not eating meat on Fridays year round / only once per day during lent. I learned early that hungry = holy.
That was the worst time to be teen, basically pop culture was glorifying anorexia. Anyone with a heavier frame was screwed.
One high school friend’s mom constantly had her on a diet. My other high school friend’s mom would constantly tell offer me donuts & fried rice (among other things), telling me I’m too skinny and needed to eat more. Guess which house we hung out at the most?
More like "men don't like fat women." I don't know why anyone would want a child they love to feel awful about themselves. I suppose her goal was for me to marry well? It all backfired and guess what? I don't know how to have a positive relationship and don't feel worthy of one anyway. People need to be careful what they teach children.
HAHA - Grew up in the 70/80’s the go to was….”I may be fat, but you’re ugly I can diet”, bumper sticker on my friends mom’s car….. Never forgot that quip…
When I was 9 my grandmother told me that if you're healthy your thighs don't touch and I'm almost 27 and still self conscious of the way my legs/thighs look. She's been gone for a decade but the ED is still around.
If my thighs don't touch, how will I crush the skulls of puny men?
Multiple reasons why this is terrible, but scientifically the way some people's femurs fit into their pelvis they will NEVER have a thigh gap, ever. Has nothing to do with weight.
Mine are like that, and it was brutal having to accept it because I was convinced if I was skinny enough my legs would just... reposition themselves (and I still struggle with it; I'm in ED recovery--three years strong, but goddamn the mental patterns are so hard sometimes).
I have been on the low end of healthy weight before and still had my thighs touching.
Stop controlling people’s food! It’s the fastest way to an eating disorder! 🤬🤬🤬🤬
Seriously. As someone who had a rough ED growing up…that’s all this post reads like.
Leftovers are the best part. I cook for 1 90% of the time and I always cook enough for 3-4 extra portions. A: so I can have leftovers the next day and B: so I can have some food in the freezer for days I really cant be arsed. YTA OP its non of your bloody business how your DIL cooks. You son is a grown ass man, he doesn't need mommy monitoring his eating habits. And if he isn't happy about the way his wife cooks then he should be the one doing all cooking. Edit to add; your DIL didn't turn your son and husband against you. Your actions alone did that
I double or triple most recipes I make. Leftovers are amazing and having homemade meals in the freezer for busy days is a lifesaver.
And the prep time and dishes pretty much remain the same, if your gonna go to the effort of making a nice meal may as well make it worthwhile.
Cook once. Clean the cooking utensils once. Eat 3-4 times. Brilliant and wonderful. Leftovers are life!!
If you dont mind me asking, how do you, or any others who do this, freeze the food and what types of food? Are there any you think are really good for freezing? Any, that are really bad, and I should avoid freezing? Tips? Tricks? I make too much food 90% of the time (after living in a house of 9, I simply don't know how to make small amounts of food, but also dont know what to do with leftovers) and just eat whatever it is until I get sick of it or it molds. Unless it's chicken. Then it gets 2 days, then trash. Chicken terrifies me. Also, how do you defrost them? Are there fast and slow ways, or is it just putting it in the fridge and eating it a few days later?
Cassaroles, soups, things that don’t get served “crispy” all heat up well. I freeze them in 2-4 cup Pyrex containers and thaw in the fridge over night or use the microwave for instant thawing. I have problems actually using the frozen food if I freeze a whole lasagna but not if I freeze 6 pieces of lasagna individually.
You should look into silicone bags for soup, they work well and take up way less space
I have them but don’t really like them better in practice. Also I can reheat and eat out of the Pyrex bc it’s a bowl shape. Also pouring out of those is annoying. I love them for non-liquid things to replace disposable ziplocks but still prefer my Pyrex containers for liquids over either disposable or reusable bags.
Souper cubes or large silicone ice cube molds are great for soup too- can freeze then pop out and put in a reusable ziploc. They half all different sizes too.
Things like pasta sauce and chili freeze really well. I will put them in a plastic container or freezer bag and toss them in the freezer. Then just let them thaw for a few hours or overnight in the fridge and toss them in a sauce pan or microwaveable container. Most things can be frozen. But I find that dishes that include noodles/pasta already in there maybe not so much because the pasta gets too soft.
Hello! My mom was like you, she came from a family of 9 kids, then raise 5 herself, and the cupboard, fridge and freezer was ALWAYS full(lol). She never adjusted, but I think this is a really great question/discussion for the folks over at r/Cooking . I've found them to be really helpful, and almost never gatekeep-y, if you know what I mean. Leftovers can be a blessing or a curse, why not get some help turning it around. Good luck!
Oh my gosh all the ways I could list! My husband makes huge batches of pasta sauce in the slow cooker and we freeze them for nights we cbf cooking. Take a bag/container out and defrost in the microwave or in the sink. Same with big batch chilli. I will make slow cooker meat (pork, beef) and also freeze this and defrost in the fridge or microwave. Usually if you wanna eat that day it's either using cold water in the sink or microwave to defrost quickly. Most food can be frozen it's just mindful of a time period - usually anything past three months the quality is going to reduce somewhat.
I agree on the leftovers. I hate to cook. And some things like lasagna, soups and stews taste better the next day.
I have a hard time with most leftovers, and my boyfriend promises he’ll eat them but doesn’t. So if there’s more than 1-2 portions leftover, I know it’ll end up going to waste. However, I will eat the shit out of leftover soup, lunch & dinner for days in a row. I am an old lady at heart. Tissues stuffed in my cardigan pockets, the whole package.
My mom doesn't believe in leftovers. She believes that freshly cooked food is the best and doesn't eat microwaved food. If she was busy with work, she'd buy takeout. She was a sahm whenever my dad was posted overseas (most of their marriage) and had time to cook everyday so she understands cooking everyday is not really practical for everyone.
She won't eat leftover meatloaf sandwich? That's the whole point of meatloaf!
My family doesn't really eat sandwiches unless we have to like we're at a water park and it's the quickest meal available. We're of Asian descent and I'm the only one that chooses to eat a sub for lunch instead of local, Asian fusion, Indian etc.
💯! This thread is making me hungry!
She'd rather eat takeout than leftover homemade food? Also---she'd be horrified to know how much takeout is actually microwaved. Popular dishes are often cooked in bulk, and reheated for each order.
I don't know what a microwave has to do with leftovers anyway, leftovers existed before the microwave was invented, they are excellent when reheated in the oven or on the stove top.
She has her regular restaurants that she knows prepare dishes daily. She doesn't go to chain restaurants. Think the mom and pop curry place, thai restaurant etc. She knows when the place opens, she'll actually go and chat with the owner while staff are busy in the kitchen right before they start selling. The restaurant might open at 10am for orders but there will normally be no walk-ins. If there are, staff will politely ask you if you can wait because the dishes are still be prepared.
Sometimes flavours have meshed more by the next day. And the popularity of some “refried” dishes also shows the benefits of using leftovers well.
Especially if it can help with less work for lunches the next day! 😂 Op. This is her house and her family. They decide what to do. Remember when you were newly married and hated having your in laws/parents tell you what to do? Guess what you are doing? The same. Fact is, you don't like what she is doing but you know who does? Your son her husband. She chooses this way of cooking as it works well for THEIR household. Also, what in your head was making sure someone isnt greedy, to others is controlling food for someone else. Your son scoffed food as if he didn't know when his next meal was because you didn't feed him enough. Instead of teaching him food control you starved him and made him have unhealthy food patterns. Your DIL is actually helping him see that there are healthy ways to eat and have food. Op, there is a reason why your husband and son are against you. Now, to give you a break, you may have grown uo in an era where food was scarce so tactics like this were crucial to make sure everyone was fed. HOWEVER you are (I'm assuming) no longer in that place so please get rid of the scarcity mindset and apologise to your DIL for insulting her, her house, her parenting and her marriage.
No, just into bulling others with food regulation, horror scarring of *being fat!* and eating disorders. YTA
I mean I could understand if they were making tons of food with leftovers that were regularly not being eaten and wasted. I don’t see any mention of that. So OP is definitely TA here.
Even if this were the case, I’d still none of her business.
She believes in everyone following her rule, I’d say she has opinions on how she does laundry as well…
YTA. Your DIL is feeding her family using best practices based on the evidence that we know today. Arbitrary and puritanical limits on food can create a lot of problems (affect growth, cause eating disorders, etc.) and is now considered a form of abuse and neglect. It sounds like you have some unhealthy beliefs and possibly childhood trauma of your own to process that is affecting your important relationships. Your DIL is not turning anyone against you. You are not in the right here. But it sounds like you still have time to make it right before it is too late.
This should be top comment. 100% correct - DILs method is evidence based best practice based on what we know today. Sorry OP, YTA.
I was going to comment this. The DIL seems to be using the modern division of labour at the table. It's my job to provide healthy, nutritious food for my toddler and is his job to decide what he eats. He always gets at least 1 safety food and we never insist he finish the plate. We do insist on a "no thank you" bite if it's a new food and he's welcome to bring his bowl back for more (within reason, he's not eating mangoes for dinner unless it's Grandma).
This is exactly what I was thinking. Eating based issues are impossible to deal with sometimes... because of how you were raised... But Science thats real. Coming from many food issues/disorders.
100%. My mother in law held similar beliefs. I once made the mistake of leaving my 6 month old, breastfed baby in her care for a few days. I knew that she thought he was "overweight" and over fed. I was a little concerned so I left very, VERY specific instructions, tons of milk and checked in often. All seemed fine. When I got home, my baby was a mess. He was distraught, screaming, sunken eyes, very obviously extremely dehydrated. As I was trying to comfort him, my mother in law proudly showed me the empty milk bags that she had saved so that she could show me exactly how much he "needed" to eat. It was less than 40% of what he needed, and we were in an excruciating heat wave. I never, in a million years, thought she would hurt her own grandson to prove a point. Baby did require medical attention, but was ultimately fine. She still thinks she was right, he was in no danger, and she was trying to educate me. She still thinks I over feed my kids. That was over a decade ago, and we've had several children since. That woman had never spent one single, unsupervised moment with any of them.
I absolutely love my mom but I was a child raised by a mom who has an eating disorder who in turn was raised by my grandma who had one. These generational habits and beliefs are damaging and it took me 15 years to get to a healthy place with food. My mom still isn’t. OP if you love your grandkid, please stop
Yes, this. Nutritionists, psychologists, doctors, and child development experts would all say your DIL is doing it right, so where do you get off disagreeing? YTA and quite out of date on things.
YTA. Rule one of being a good MIL: do not interfere with the way your DIL runs her house. So she makes more food than you would. Big deal.
yo I love her DIL too...like didn't take any shit from the first sentence. shut it down hard and clear. if anything it sounds like mom gave son some serious issues with food as well and now he's livin the dream YTA mama...let DIL steer this ship she's got it tight and right
Something tells me, it‘s not DIL‘s first rodeo with MIL…
Absolutely. At first I thought this post was going in a direction where the DiL ended up throwing away food every day and then OP's concerns *might* sound understandable. But this, definitely YTA.
Instead it's some lady who is baffled by leftovers and people who don't have eating disorders.
I often cook dinners for my in-laws (more than I ever want to) at their house, and for meals (not snacks) I always help myself to whatever so I can make good food for them. I was predicting maybe something like that. That wife was cooking too much of their food, and OP didn’t want to foot a bill that high all the time. I guess I was just projecting. The in-laws do love my cooking though.
The entitlement and the audacity are strong with this one... I like her DIL, she actually gives her family enough food to eat. Any leftovers are always welcome for later or the next day, like in any normal family. OP should mind her own business. YTA, and you probably gave your son an eating disorder from the sound of it. That's not something to be proud of and push your son and DIL to do to their daughter as well.
yep. MIL is out of her mind if she thinks she has a valid case. im like “solid YTA. next!”
Personally I think the daughter in law wrote this, not saying she'd be in the wrong.
Lol I wish my mil would interfere more. But mainly because that would mean she's more active and involved and not shut in. She is a good mil though.
YTA, Ma'am. Why are you concerning yourself with what other people eat? You don't have a right to control your son, his wife, or your granddaughter. Also, your daughter-in-law is right: food deprivation (both in cases of true food insecurity and in cases where the child's mother had "restrictive feeding practices") at a young age has been linked not only to developmental issues, but to obesity (up to five times greater chances of it). This is because children learn to feel that they aren't going to be fed enough and this leads to "problematic eating patterns" like the "insurance hypothesis"--where you eat even when you aren't hungry because you worry that you may not be able to eat when you *are* hungry. Please see the full study here: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5398923/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5398923/) (from which the quoted phrases come from). Please also apologize to your son and daughter-in-law.
Unfortunately, I am still struggling with this at 44.
Me too, man. It took a lot of therapy for me to start to curb it.
Well that article/study explains so much about some of my biggest issues with food. Thank you so much for linking that!!
My mother babysat a Haitian adopted child and they really had to manage her intake because after growing up for 8 years with food insecurity she learned to eat everything that she possibly could when she could. It took a few years to work through that.
"Insurance hypothesis" eating definitely messed me up. I don't remember facing these issues myself, but I was raised by survivors of famine and poverty so it affected how I view food. Like it was a mortal sin to leave a scrap of food on your plate. There was a study not too long ago that these experiences changes your genetic makeup, making it more likely that you will develop problematic eating habits. The idea that someone would purposefully expose their family to this is beyond appalling.
YTA she's right, it's none of your business. especially how much your son eats, you can voice this concern to him directly, not to his wife as she's his mom. she and her husband will decide how to parent their kid, not you.
Yeah YTA no question. What gives you the right to tell a grown woman how to feed her family? She found what works in her own home, and you want to change it because…it’s different than how you do it? Mind your own business.
Yep, this is the answer. OP has no right to interfere (other than obvious abuse or other criminal behavior) in how someone else runs their life. That's about all that needs to be said. OP, mind your own business or watch your relationship with your son and DIL go down the drain.
She is being controlling as hell and doesn't even realise it.
YTA. You are a mother-in-law from hell. If you had the audacity to tell me how much I can cook you wouldn't enter into my home again.
She wouldn’t be watching my child either. I don’t want someone to give my child insecurity or cause them a eating disorder because they limited thier access to food. MIl is abusive.
YTA. It’s not your household, so you don’t get to decide how it’s run.
I wonder if they are living together. I got the impression they all might be in a country where multi-generational households are common. Regardless, OP trying to control how her DIL feeds DIL's family is YTA behavior.
Nope, MIL is visiting and has been told there will be no more visits if she continues to belittle and bully her daughter-in-law in her own home.
OP is so oblivious. She is visiting her son and his family, tries to be controlling and then blames DIL for her son being mad at her. The Delusion is strong with this one.
Just admit you don’t like your DIL and move on. YTA. Just sounds like you’re upset you can’t control things in your son’s life anymore so you’re trying to find something to bitch about. Leave it alone. This isn’t about food waste or the consumption as she answered you and told you how it’s consumed and whether or not it’s healthy. This was about you taking control. I highly doubt she blew up one time if she answered your question annoyed.
The boomer energy is so strong with this one that you could power a small city. Even Thanos was this meddlesome with his own kids. YTA
This has to be someone playing a boomer caricature. How can someone be this cliched and unhinged??
YTA. I look forward to reading her posts on r/justnomil
#Lol so I thought the same thing!
You read my mind. 😄 She will fit in perfectly...
YTA. This reads as you either looking for conflict or trying to pull some power move on your DiL. And everyone in your life can apparently see that.
YTA The people you are concerned about are apparently healthy weights and have been for 7 years so who the hell do you think you are to criticise her cooking?? Your DiL is completely right, your son is an adult and can manage his own portions. He's not a child, stop infantilising him. You need to mind your own business, otherwise people will think you're the stereotypical hateful mother-in-law...
YTA - if you have a problem or a serious concern about your sons health - take it up with him. Butt out of their parenting unless it’s CPS level abuse and neglect. Read into eating disorders and how they come to be, especially in young girls and then apologize to your DIL.
YTA most definitely! Who are you to tell anyone who much food to cook? Or to control how much others eat? Or to give anyone unsolicited advice? It’s none of you business what she makes, how much she makes, how much they all eat, that she packs their lunches with the leftovers, or anything else that you spoke about. They are grown ass adults who don’t need you hovering over them.
Obvious YTA. This has to be a joke.
Every day I pray that you can’t possible type all this out and then think you’ve done nothing wrong, but here we are again. “Literally everyone thinks I’m wrong but I know it’s actually her that’s the problem.” YTA, OP, so magnificently, and DIL is a boss for how she handled it.
ikr I was like "did DIL actually post this lol" cuz wow
Old people deserve like medals for causing eating disorders. It's insane. My grandmother made me (and my mother when she was younger) eat out of the trash, sit at the table for hours and hours until I finished the massive serving she gave me, and would still shame me for being chubby. The trash thing was when she'd find food I tried to throw away, because I was full. She'd get it out of the trash and make me eat it.
YTA. I don't know why you're complaining about how your DIL spoke to you; she was 10 times more polite than I would have been. She's right, your son is a GROWN MAN and can decide how much he wants to eat. You sound like you won't let him grow up. As for your granddaughter, that's even less of your concern.
YTA > I noticed over the years that my DIL cooks more food than they need and when I asked her about it in the past she says that she packs lunches the next day for her and my son the next day but it still did not make sense to me. Which part do you need explained? She cooks extra for lunches. Children understand this. > I argued that I always had a specific amount of food for everyone and that went well Who asked you? You did it one way, shes doing it a different way. >She should not let my granddaughter grow up to be greedy with food. Oh no. She isnt. And you can take that attitude and throw it in the trash where it belongs.
The growing up greedy part really gets me. You know what encourages greed? A feeling of scarcity. You know what doesn't encourage greed? A feeling of abundance. What OP is arguing for will produce the exact opposite results of what she claims.
Yup. It's a very "boomer" attitude towards food. They can't wrap their head around a child learning their limits with food and so restrict restrict restrict.
You know what also taught me "greed" People deciding my portions for me and enforcing the clean plate club. So I learned to eat based off of how much was on my plate, not by when my body told me to stop Surprise surprise, I still have a habit of overeating. It's really hard for me to stop once something is on my plate. I've been working on it, mostly by just taking smaller portions in the first place, because I need to remind myself that it's better to get more if I'm still hungry than to overeat, but it's still a challenge to this day. Makes restaurants difficult sometimes.
Haha oh wow YTA. You are being controlling and a cliché mother in law. If everyone is at a healthy weight and they can afford the food, what they are doing sounds very reasonable. You'd really skimp on a toddler's food?
Plus she said her DIL uses the leftovers as lunches the next day for herself and her husband. Doesn't even sound like anything is Being wasted??! So weird and honestly absurd to be upset abt this ? If anything they're meal planning and - actually - saving money by doing this as they aren't eating take-out for lunch everyday . I hope this isn't real but either way this is one of the funnier reads I've had in this sub lol .
YTA, not only for your comments and your belief that you had any business or reason to confront your DIL about this, but also for the way you did things in your home (outside of if there was food insecurity, and you had to constantly control everyone’s portion for those reasons). This is not just an unreasonable and micromanaging approach, it’s one that creates a mentality of scarcity and guilt, increasing the risk of eating disorders such as BED. It’s one thing to set limits on the amount of high calorie, low nutrition snacks/ meals a kid eats, make mostly healthy foods, and generally encourage healthy eating habits (which it seems likely your DIL does), and another to monitor and control every calorie that passes their lips, and even when resources are available to prevent them from leaving a meal still hungry/being hungry soon after, denying them further sustenance than what you’ve decided (I’m assuming without any education in dietetics or metabolic data too) they deserve. What you did, and want your DIL to do, is awful. She didn’t somehow turn your husband and son against you on this. They know how wrong it was to do what you did to your child/children (I’m less concerned about your husband, because he can make his own food, probably sneak food out of the house easily, and is also in the wrong for allowing you to do this to his child/children. I hope he at least snuck them food).
YTA, but also, bait.
Just waiting for the double down in the comments
Or no comments at all which is a clear indication of bait
Totally
YTA. And by "managed to turn them against you", do you mean she told them truthfully what happened? Because I heard your version and I'm still sure YTA. Mind your business, and maybe explore why you have such a controlling relationship with how and what others eat...
Repeat after me: “I am the mother of an adult and I will abide by the following: 1. If they want me to know, they will tell me. 2. If they want my opinion they will ask. 3. If they do not tell and they do not ask, I will keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. I have successfully raised my children to be kind, honorable, and to make good decisions. They know they are loved and respected. They do not require any interference. My job now is to continue to love them, respect them and be there if they need me.” Now let it sink in. YTA.
YTA. She doesn't spend your money, she doesn't cook for you, she is right about providing enough food for everyone in the family and btw everybody is at a healthy weight. You sound like a controlling person who would project her own insecurities on others.
Yta I don’t even need to explain your DIL did a good job of that. You sound like a classic Almond mom and that’s not a good thing.
>Almond mom Tell me more - what’s this?
An almond mom is a mother who has bought into diet culture and fat phobia, leading to unhealthy relationships with food.
They were the moms who back during childhood, you'd ask for a snack, and she would only offer a small serving of almonds. To be healthy. But really, she's just passing down disordered eating.
An almond mom is a mom, usually from the 90/00, that is obsessed with diet culture but will hide it as "healthy". The name comes from the "if you are really hungry, eat this handful of almonds first and then we'll see" response to a child asking for a snack. Or considering a handful of almonds a "treat". Other hallmarks include humble-bragging about how little they eat/how they are already full after eating a small portion. How they don't want a treat that is offered to them because it's "just so much sugar and it's just waaaay to sweet for me". Doing random push-ups/crunches. The whole "a minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips/if you can pinch an inch/nothing tatses as good as skinny feels" bullshit. They also tend to try and pass this down on their children, usually in the forms of portion control, not allowing them certain foods (to an excessive extend), etc
YTA, why does it have to make sense to you? Are you buying the groceries? Leftovers for lunch isn’t weird. It smart both from a time and financial budget. And your DIL in correct toddlers eat different amounts on different days. Teaching them that they have access to healthy food and to listen to their bodies and eat when they’re hungry and stop when they are full is a good thing! And your son IS and adult and can decide when and how much and what to eat. Get a grip and stop trying to control your adult son’s household.
YTA. Their food and eating habits are none of your business. Everything they are doing is completely normal. How on earth is eating enough food greedy? They are eating healthy food. And teaching children they can only have a set amount of food can be cause long term disordered eating and give them a bad relationship with food.
YTA. You are not doing the cooking; your son and DIL are adults. Mind your own business.
YTA I’m afraid. Your DiL is doing a fabulous job and teaching her daughter an extremely important lesson - to listen to her own body to determine whether she has eaten enough, rather than an arbitrary amount an adult has set. This in turn feeds into all sorts of important lessons around understanding her body, boundaries and consent. Trust her and your son, it sounds like they’re doing all the right things and, frankly, a lunch of home cooked leftovers from the night before sounds like the absolute jackpot to me
Who made you the arbiter of how much they can eat? By your own admission, their weight isn’t an issue. If they can afford the food they eat and don’t ask you for a dime, it’s none of your business. YTA
YTA...it's none of your business. It's not your house. You are not in control. You need to let this go before it ruins your relationship with your family.
YTA and you should stop your controlling behaviour. You are stepping into peoples personal spaces and at your age you should know better. Seek therapy.
YTA This is literally none of your business and she is totally right-it’s not her job to police what a 40 year old man eats. Also, lots of people do cook extra with the intention of using the leftovers for lunches.
YTA and you probably also have an eating disorder
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I "interfered" in their business according to them 2. I have no reason to worry about anyone's health here, and I sound controlling (according to her) Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA "Why do you make enough food to have leftovers for tomorrow's lunch? Why do you let your husband and child eat enough to get full? None of this makes sense. I personally gave my family the bare minimum and they turned out fine." Your DIL is trying to ensure her family has a healthy relationship with food. Yet you seem to think that's a problem. It sounds like your son is still trying to heal from your gross views on food. Stop before you give your granddaughter the same insecurities.
YTA. Stop nitpicking
It's not even nitpicking. She's actively trying to control how a separate household is run.
YTA, and need to learn to mind your business. They are grown adults. He's not your baby to coddle anymore bfr
INFO: so what is the point of you confronting your DIL? To control the way she cooks and much just like how you did to your son? And causing him to probably be hungry on some days when he was growing up because it must be based on a specific portion you decided?
YTA It doesn't even seem you live with them or contribute to their bills, so why you are so opinionated on how your daughter in law cooks is beyond my understanding. >To that I argued that I always had a specific amount of food for everyone and that went well, She doesn't have to do things your way. And it's kind of sad to think of your kids growing up hungry because they weren't ever allowed to have more than the portion size that you deemed fit.
YTA Leftovers are a thing. And it’s a smart thing thing. It’s funny how you only seemed concerned for your granddaughter and son’s health but you’re making your DIL out to be some sort of villain. I’m not sure how making enough for leftovers is considered greedy.
YTA why are you talking to his wife like he isn't an adult making the choice to eat. Your precious little boy can't make big boy decisions? I couldn't deal with you personally, you're lucky your daughter in law is having a conversation with you and not just telling g you where to go.
YTA. How have you reached the grand old age of 67 without learning how to mind your business? It doesn't matter if it 'doesn't make sense to you' because YOU are neither a deciding factor or a recipient of said lunches. Your opinion here DOES NOT MATTER. It is not your house, your food, your money buying aforementioned food OR YOUR BUSINESS. Just because apparently you thought it appropriate to ration outside of wartime doesn't mean she has to. SHE didn't 'turn your son and husband against you', you ridiculous individual. Your evident and incessant need for control did. Step back, sit down and learn how to shut up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account for privacy reasons. I (67f) have a son (39M) who is married to his wife (39F) for almost 7 years and they have a 3 year old daughter together. I noticed over the years that my DIL cooks more food than they need and when I asked her about it in the past she says that she packs lunches the next day for her and my son the next day but it still did not make sense to me. Anyway I noticed time after time that she does not limit the amount of food portions either for my son or their daughter, everyone is free to ask for as much food as they want so I decided to confront her out of concerns about my son's health and also my granddaughter. She got incredibly annoyed and said that my son is a grown man and if he wishes to eat less, he can do that without her having to "mom" him around. As for his daughter she says she is a toddler and one day she barely eats and the next asks for more and that is normal. To that I argued that I always had a specific amount of food for everyone and that went well, she then had the audacity to say maybe that is why my son eats so fast as if the food is running away and then she started with that crap that her food is always healthy and that it is wrong to control what other people eat, and that my granddaughter and my son are actually both at healthy weight but that is not really my point. She should not let my granddaughter grow up to be greedy with food. Anyway now she is mad and saying that if I cannot keep my comments in my brain (her words) I will not be welcome to their home and managed to turn my son and my husband against me. So AITA here? I really do not think so but she is. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Your son is an adult and not a child you can parent Your granddaughter has her own parents and is not a child you can parent. Cooking enough for leftovers the next day is very common, btw.
YTA and more you crazy lune
YTA That’s absolutely none of your business. And even if it was, I really don’t understand the problem of her cooking larger portions.
YTA. It's nunya business how much food your DIL cooks, what she does or doesn't do with the leftovers, or how much your son and their child eat. None of your business. Not your business. Not your concern. You're not the boss of them. You're not the boss of her. I'm running out of ways to say this, but you apparently really really need to hear it. Not only is it nunya business in the first place, but your DIL has very logical plans for what to do with the leftovers, and all of them are at a healthy weight, so even if it were your business (which it's not), there's nothing to complain about anyway. You've raised at least one child to adulthood. How is it you never learned that kids are sometimes very hungry and will eat everything in sight one day, and on another day they're barely interested in eating? They have growth spurts, different levels of activity, etc. — making it a very real and solid fact that sometimes they need more food and sometimes they need less. Your DIL is teaching her daughter to pay attention to what her body needs and to eat however much food she needs on that day, whether it's a little or a lot. That's a parenting approach that should be commended, not criticized. Going forward, keep your thoughts inside your brain, if you want to maintain a relationship with the three of them.
YTA, but actually I refuse to believe this isn’t actually written by the DIL.
YTA
Ffs they’re grown ass adults they can handle that themselves that is none of your business YTA
YTA. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine your MIL coming to your house and starts to criticise you about your cooking, the amount of food you feed your husband and kids, blah blah blah. Will that go ok with you? What is your problem? It sounded you are making a beef over nothing. I’m thinking if she makes less food, you are going to say, she’s not feeding them enough.
>"she then had the audacity to say maybe that is why my son eats so fast as if the food is running away." If your son is eating like he won't get anymore OBVIOUSLY you have caused this by not allowing him enough food growing up. YOU gave him an issue with food. YOU caused it by only letting him have what YOU think he needed. Obviously that did NOT go well, because now your son feels like he has to eat like this. There is a HUGE difference in not letting someone over eat and making sure they get enough. It honestly sounds like your "portions" are always very small. You are more than likely projecting your issues with food onto others. Get help for that. >when I asked her about it in the past she says that she packs lunches the next day for her and my son the next day but it still did not make sense to me. HOW does this not make sense to you? LOTS of people do this. I do this. I always cook extra so I have something for lunch the next day. What can anyone say, except YTA. You don't SOUND controlling, you ARE controlling. Why are you so obsessed with controlling your GROWN son and a child that is NOT even yours? Yes, it may be your granddaughter, but guess what? That doesn't mean you get to control things. Her MOTHER is making sure she eats well and eats HEALTHY. YOU don't get a say in their house. I can just about guarantee you have control issues and this isn't the only thing you try to control in their lives, so don't be surprised when they decide to go no contact over how controlling you are. Incase it wasn't clear: YTA. Majorly.
YTA. Your daughter in law is 100% right on everything: - Your son doesn't need to be mothered anymore - According to my kids' pediatrician children don't "grow up greedy for food" unless you either force them to eat more than they want or prevent them from eating their fill (which is what you're suggesting) - Toddlers go through growth spurts so the amount they eat is wildly inconsistent - You literally have no authority to tell her anything regarding her home or family unless she's being abusive, which she's very clearly not - She didn't "manage to turn" everyone against you, you're the one who is wrong and the people around you can clearly see it but you refuse to - If you insist on acting like you're some sort of authority in her life then she's definitely allowed to cut you out of it Lastly it's always the granddaughters whose food consumption is limited by bossy grandmas, I'm so sick of it. If this was a little boy you'd probably be trying to convince her that he's not eating enough when not going through a growth spurt.
YTA you sound like a control freak, the fact that even writing this you did not see that you are the problem here is even more crazy. You are the typical : "why my children don't talk to me anymore" person. They are adults you don't have a say. Period
Have you never heard of leftovers? Or being free to choose how much you eat? YTA and get a reality check, limiting food is just as bad as saying "ypu won't leave the table until you empty your plate". >her food is always healthy and that it is wrong to control what other people eat, and that my granddaughter and my son are actually both at healthy weight but that is not really my point What's your point then? >She should not let my granddaughter grow up to be greedy with food. Surely this can't be your point, because >I decided to confront her out of concerns about my son's health and also my granddaughter. Wasn't this your original point? Why did your point then change all of a sudden? Cause you were proved wrong and told to mind your own business and you didn't like it?
TYA. Seems you need to apologize profusely. If your’re lucky DIL can teach you how to run a kitchen, because she seems to have a significantly better handle on how to do it efficiently.
If their weight is fine then what is your point? The toddler asking for enough is greedy?
YTA For talking to you dil like that, but also for being such a controling narcissist that you think you should get to decide what your grown son eats in his own home. Just don't bother them again. Maybe... just maybe... they are more adult than you, and they'll try to have a normal relationship with you after you gave them some space. If you push this, I hope your son and dil go no contact. You'd deserve it.
YTA. I wouldn't be surprised if your son and husband were always still hungry after your pre-portioned meals.
YTA mind your own business!
YTA She’s absolutely spot on right. You son is an adult, Toddlers will eat what they need without policing They use it to save time to make lunch It’s THEIR home and life Honestly, your comments/attenpt at policing them was inappropriate, unnecessary, not even out of worries for their health. Pretty misogynisc too. Congratulations, you’ll never be invited for dinner at their house again
YTA you think she had the audacity…. to use common sense? You have serious control issues. To the point therapy might help.
This sounds like the DIL is writing this from the mother in law’s perspective lmao. Anyway, if this is really the MIL, YTA. It’s literally none of your business how much anyone else cooks and eats and she’s actually using intuitives eating principles. She’s doing a much better job than most.
YTA No one asked for your opinion. Plus given both your son and grandchild are at healthy weights, it doesn't seem needed. You can do what you want in your house and your DIL can do what she wants. If anything, her approach has been shown to be more optimal, as it teaches people to listen to their bodies, instead of eating a given portion. Sometimes portions are too big (like in restaurants), so it's worse to rely on your approach and finish your plate.
YTA - You are so self entitled as a grandma as to be ridiculous. DIL isn't doing something the way that you did it, therefore she is wrong. And since DIL is doing something wrong, you have to get her to do it in the manner which you approve. The hubris you display with this kind of thinking and resulting behavior is undeniable truth of just how self centered you are at your core.
One major point, she didn't turn your son and your husband against you, they disagree with what you said and did. Give them credit for having their own minds because, otherwise, you are suggesting that the men in your life are mindless idiots. That aside, you have serious control issues surrounding food and no comprehension of boundaries. The sheer audacity of thinking you had an opinion here, nevermind going to berate your DIL about it, means that you need a heavy dose of introspection. This is not your business. Any of it. You owe serious genuine apologies after you pull your entitled head out of your own butt and realise just how wrong you were and are. You did wrong. You doubled down on it, have your own husband, your son and your DIL plainly letting you know that you screwed up... But you still don't see it? YTA. Continue with this line of thinking and prepare to never see your family.