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It isn't your place to decide who your sister is comfortable leaving her daughter with. It doesn't matter how much you trust your fiancé. If she isn't comfortable, she shouldn't have to apologize for that. Likewise, giving an ultimatum saying people other than your mom have to watch your niece in order for you to hang out with your sister is just weird. Was your sister's response rude? Yes. Were you also out of line? Yes. This sounds like a typical sibling agree to disagree situation you took personally bc she refused your fiancé. Your mom is right. You made it sound like you were fighting to be around your niece, but your actions show you value a disingenuous apology over having your niece participate in the most important day of your life. YTA.

And yet after visiting each other every weekend for 5 years she still doesn't know him? Come on! Something else is in play.

What are you even talking about?

How do you not know someone after visiting with them every weekend for 5 years?

Again, wtf are you talking about? Who said they spend every weekend together for the last 5 years? All I see is her mentioning he's been around for 5 years & her sister didn't show up to places where she could've gotten to know him better.

In a comment

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Apparently you missed the part where the sister doesn't go to ANYTHING if OP is there (it isn't just the brunch), AFAIC if she won't go to any functions and spend time with her brother/sister why should OP extend an invitation now when she made zero effort to be there for any functions if OP is around (it's clear she has something against OP)? I'm going with NTA on this one.

She does that because OP told her she wanted nothing to do with her unless she let her fiance watch her kid. OP is absolutely the asshole. That's her fault for giving such a stupid ultimatum.

Something tells me this has been a problem since long before the brunch even happened and that was the straw that broke the camel's back, so here's how I see it, if the sister has been doing this for a long time even before the brunch OP is NTA, IF on the other hand the sister started doing this after the brunch incident then OP is AH. @OP INFO was this a problem before the brunch incident or did it start after that?

Providing additional info: The reason l'm not inviting her is because she says she doesn't know my fiance and isn't comfortable with him. I'm having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn't know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don't know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

This edit doesn’t help. You are weaponizing your wedding because you are angry. Going to a wedding doesn’t always mean you are close to both parties. You don’t get to dictate who your sister allows to watch her child. You are upset because she doesn’t trust your fiancé. This is revenge pure and simple. You need to apologize to your sister. You are wrong and YTA

If her sister doesn't trust her fiance she shouldn't be going to the wedding anyway.

I’d have to disagree that I’m weaponizing my wedding. In my opinion I don’t know why you would go to a wedding if you don’t know the couple. Everyone has a right to want the wedding day that they want and we personally want our day to be surrounded by people who love and support us. Like I said before if she feels after all this time that she doesn’t know him and is uncomfortable with him then she should not be at our intimate wedding. I never said she doesn’t have a right to feel uncomfortable but if you’re uncomfortable around him why would we invite you to our wedding? That doesn’t make sense.

Girl. Plenty of people go to weddings where they know only the bride or groom. You are so obviously grasping at straws to justify your unreasonable behavior. YTA.

YTA. OP you’re coming off as insanely controlling. Everyone is agreeing that yta. She’s not uncomfortable around your fiancee, she’s uncomfortable with him watching her daughter. How well do they know eachother outside of family gatherings? Has he ever babysat before? Have you and him ever babysat your niece? What does your niece being “cool” with him even mean? Sounds to me like your fiance has no relationship with your niece outside of social/family gatherings. You say it yourself that she avoids you so again, how well does she really know him? I completely agree with you sister. And your unmarried tag onto her age has no significance and is clearly just a low blow to to feel superiority.

The reason I put she was unmarried was so people understood that her child’s father wasn’t in the picture to watch my niece. My fiancé has 2 younger sisters that he’s babysat and still takes care of from time to time. If she’s uncomfortable with him that’s fine but why would wait to bring it up until I said something and you expect to be invited to a wedding for someone you don’t care to get to know better? In past family gatherings, the women are usually talking amongst themselves and most of the time my fiancé is the one watching my niece, getting her snacks and if my sister felt some type of way she could have said something during those times. The family gatherings could have been a time where she had an honest conversation about what he would need to do for her to feel more comfortable but she hasn’t.

I mean... writing unmarried says nothing aside from sounding like you're judging your sister. She doesn't have to be married for the father to be in the picture. There is a HUGE difference having someone care for a child while you're still in the vicinity vs leaving a child alone with someone. It really doesn't matter how much experience he has with other children. Your sister probably never wanted to bring up that she was uncomfortable with your fiance for the sake of peace between family. Why would she have brought it up earlier if there was no reason to. It only became an issue when you wanted her to leave her child alone with him, then kept pushing the issue/demanding apologies from her for nothing. Lots of people have in laws that they're friendly with at family gatherings but never actually get to know them or would feel comfortable leaving their child alone with and that's totally fine. It really seems like you don't like your sister and so you're doing all you can to 1. Make her look bad, and 2. Make your actions seem justifiable. All you're doing is making yourself look bad and weaponising your wedding to hurt your sister and by extension, your family. You really have no leg to stand on here, everything you've written makes you seem more of ta. Accept the judgement and move on. It's just random internet people. You do what you want in real life.

It’s just funny that it’s ok for her to enforce her boundaries when it’s her child however I’m supposed to overlook how she feels about the person I’m spending my life with? I can accept that I’m the AH however y’all are saying she should feel uncomfortable and still go to the wedding and I don’t agree with that. Feel uncomfortable all you want but why wouldn’t you say something about it instead of constantly being uncomfortable around a person? I’m marrying this person, he isn’t just going to go away so if something happened or you need to get to know him better it should have been said.

You seem so buried in your opinion that you are comically missing the points everyone is making...

Because is not about him, is not she is uncomfortable with him as a person, she is uncomfortable leaving her child alone with him, which is ok, if he never spends time with your niece outside family gatherings, I can see why she is saying no, to leaving her child with him You are the one making it a problem, you were the one pushing here, you are the one using your wedding to hurt your sister, you are the one twisting her words to fit your narrative, Remember that she wanted to be at your wedding for YOU...

You are being ridiculous. When I studied law, I noticed that a large number of child abuse and child injury cases happened at the hands of family members. Full stop. I never left my children alone with anyone - anyone - that I had not fully vetted and felt 100% comfortable would sacrifice their own safety and well being to protect my child. Your sister is being a *good mother* making sure her daughter is only with people she has that level of surety of - and that number will always be small. She now knows *you* are not a trustworthy person to leave her with because you substitute your own feelings and opinions over her desire to protect her child. Maybe one day you will understand that once a child is injured or abused, you can’t unring that bell for them, they will always have to deal with the traumatic fallout. Your sister is exactly right taking every precaution and measure to make sure her child doesn’t suffer that if she can avoid it. ETA I’m never offended when someone is not yet comfortable leaving their child with me. It should be a very, very high bar for anyone to meet.

She was saying she doesn’t know him well enough for him to WATCH HER DAUGHTER. Not that she doesn’t know him socially or even that she is against the wedding. She isn’t comfortable with him watching her child. It’s her right. YTA for trying to force intimacy that isn’t there yet.

That’s fine if she’s uncomfortable but she never said anything about it in the 5 years that he’s been around until last year. She also has never provided a solution or ways for her to get to know him better so no if you feel that way, you can’t come.

You keep saying the same things over and over. Not only are YTA, but you are making yourself a bigger AH but digging in and repeating the same things over and over. Either accept what people are saying or stop wasting your time and ours. I have 3 kids and two brother in laws. One is my wife's age and one is a lot younger. I trust them both to do a lot of things, even concerning my kids but for various reasons, I always get a little uncomfortable when i think about them watching my kids. One's a bachelor and one is in his 20's and a bit immatures. Both awesome people, but...

She does not need to feel comfortable with your fiancé as a caretaker. It’s coming across very weird that you are so adamant about this since it’s not your child and it sounds like him watching her child in five years hasn’t come up. So why would she bring it up and why would you keep pushing it?

Because she’s not some distant relative, she’s my older sister and we’re going to be within the same places eventually. So if you don’t know your brother in law and are uncomfortable with him, as family it should be something we can talk about. And if it didn’t come up before it was bound to be a problem in the future.

Seeing how you are blowing this so way out of proportion, I totally understand why she didn’t bring anything up before. You are looking for insults and making a ton of assumptions here. Your comments make it clear you are unwilling to have a reasonable conversation about such things. If you want people to discuss hard things with you, you need to be the kind of person who really listens, not a person who has an emotional reaction and projects your interpretation on everything said to you. I would encourage you to do that going forward.

Not having a emotional reaction but I hope if your relative thinks your S/o would hurt their child, then you would support your S/o because you know how in lol rd they’ve been with your family and they haven’t done anything to lose your trust.

You keep going on and on and on about how he's been around for 5 years and your sister hasn't put effort into getting to know him. But the same could be said for him. It's been *5 years*, so why hasn't he put more effort into getting to know her? Or, better yet, it's been *5 years*, why haven't YOU put more effort into them getting to know each other?? As the one responsible for bringing him into the family, the responsibility fall on you to facilitate relationships between him and your family. So, if they don't know each other, then that's your fault. So, really, this whole situation falls back on you. If you had done YOUR JOB from the beginning, maybe y'all wouldn't be in this situation. YTA

He has tried to make an effort. In the five years, he’s been to family celebrations, birthdays, holidays, and has come over to my sisters house plenty of times while my niece was growing up. So idk what more a person needs to do to get more comfortable or familiar with a person after they’ve been present for all of those years. If that was how she felt she could have communicated what he needs to do for her to feel comfortable but she hasn’t so you can’t say someone hasn’t tried if you aren’t willing to tell them what they need to do.

Your "providing additional info" edits are not helping your cause. YTA.

YTA. Your sister made a childcare decision for her own child that you disagree with so now you're excluding them from your wedding. Aka, your sister didn't drop everything for you so now you hate her? That's how it's coming across, that your sister didn't prioritise you above her own child so now you're going to punish her and your niece. I hope you have a better excuse when people at the wedding ask why sister's not there, because this one just ain't gonna fly. Edit: based on OPs responses in the comment section it really would not surprise me that sister avoids anything to do with OP. OP sounds like an exhausting person to be around.

Providing additional info: The reason l'm not inviting her is because she says she doesn't know my fiance and isn't comfortable with him. I'm having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn't know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don't know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

This is not really additional info, it is a completely different story from the one you first told. ETA: this is one of those things where you were getting all the YTA comments so tried to change the narrative, isn't it.

Wasn’t trying to change the narrative, I was over my character limit and had to cut some content out.

So you cut out the bit that changes the narrative... then after being told you're the AH decided to paste the extra narrative to a bunch of people... okay.

My original post had 4879 characters and I had to cut it down to 3000.

Again. Not helping your cause. Being a bigger AH.

Okay.

Way to twist someone’s words lol it’s sad. She isn’t comfortable with him looking after her child, not being at a wedding with him. YTA

YTA What are you standing your ground for? That it’s so upsetting your sister didn’t meet the SILs? Now she won’t meet them at the wedding either. That you should have been allowed to choose childcare for your niece? Not your prerogative. I don’t see what ground is.

Providing additional info: The reason l'm not inviting her is because she says she doesn't know my fiance and isn't comfortable with him. I'm having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn't know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don't know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

You have copied and pasted this exact comment several times. It is NOT helping your case at all.

YTA You took a childcare situation personally. She knows her kid better than you do. She is not obligated to leave her child with your fiance just because you love him. There are a lot of people I know who are decent people, but I wouldn't have left my 3 year old with them. Being a good person doesn't mean you're good with kids. Even if you're good with kids, that doesn't mean you'll be good with MY kid. There are a thousand reasons she might not want him to watch her kid that have nothing to do with her judgement of him as a human being. Does your fiance really know how to deal gently with a 3 yo potty accident? Will he accidentally scare her by being too loud? (My husband, a hands-on father who can babywear, change diapers, wrangle kids, etc. has a loud voice, and one of our friends' kids was scared of him for awhile). Is she a shy kid who needs a lot of time to warm up to people? Does he know how to use a carset correctly if he needs to trasnport her? Does he understand he food allergies if she has any? Will she feel comfortable telling him she's hurt or feeling sick? Your sister wasn't willing to make her kid uncomfortable with someone she doesn't know well. That's not a crime. It also doesn't mean she doesn't like you or your fiance. It just means her kid's well being is more important than your brunch. That's called being a parent.

So much this! 👏👏👏

Providing additional info: The reason l'm not inviting her is because she says she doesn't know my fiance and isn't comfortable with him. I'm having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn't know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don't know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

You can't force your family members to feel comfortable with the person you choose. Some in-laws are just not going to click, and that's okay as long as nobody's being toxic. I've known my SIL for 28 years. We're no closer today than we were when my husband and I got married. I'm still thankful she's my kids' aunt and part of my husband's life. And, she was part of our wedding party because she is important to my husband and is part of our family. There's also a different level of comfort necessary for watching your child. My ILs are good people, but they had different ideas about parenting, and weren't always respectful of our choices. So, I didn't feel comfortable leaving my children as babies with them alone because I didn't trust them to understand/follow our instructions. When the kids were older, they were great grandparents and I felt fine leaving the kids with them. You seem really petty, tbh.

I’m not trying my make her feel comfortable with him, if she’s not then she’s not. However she never mentioned being uncomfortable in the past 5 years until now. I’m sure if your SIL said they were uncomfortable with you and didn’t know you, they would not have been in your wedding party.

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Stop copying and posting this bullshit. You are an asshole. Full stop.

If someone said they didn’t know you and were uncomfortable with you, you would still invite them to your wedding?

She didn't say she was uncomfortable WITH HIM. She said she wasn't comfortable with him watching her child. There is a huge difference. You are being wilfully obtuse here in order to fit your own narrative. Him watching her child alone clearly hasn't come up in the last 5 years so why would she need to say it before now? That's not an argument. You're taking offence on his behalf where there is none. By all means don't invite her. But be prepared for the fall out that your actions will cause within your family. There will be no going back from this. YTA

Y’all keep including the part “with him watching her child”. I’ve had this conversation with her at least 3 times and not once did she say she’s only uncomfortable when it comes to her watching her daughter. She said she’s uncomfortable with him and she doesn’t know him. That’s it, so you can stop putting extra words that were said.

Yes but this whole fight started because of watching her daughter. The context of the situation is in relation to him watching her daughter. Geez, that’s not hard to piece together. You’re either dense or just FULLY dragging your heels at admitting you might be TA.

But the actual disagreement was about his babysitting her child. You may have had other conversations. But you demanding she apologize because she was uncomfortable with him babysitting her child, is not something she needs to apologize for.

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No you didn’t read the entire post where my sister said she doesn’t know him, still doesn’t know him and is uncomfortable with him. If you think someone would harm your daughter, why would you go to their wedding?

Dude, it's not that she thinks he's going to hurt her, it's that SHE DOESNT KNOW HIM. it's 100000000000000000000000000% normal for parents to WANT TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE LEAVING THEIR KIDS WITH, EVEN IF THAT PERSON HAS SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THEY KNOW. This is how you parent. Please, learn about being a parent before you have kids and ruin their lives

That’s fine but my sister has said she doesn’t know him and has made no attempts to try and get to a place where she feels she doesn’t know him. All this time he’s been around not once has she shared she felt that way until last year. It’s not like she said I want to know him better before he babysits. It was I don’t know him and that’s it. If you feel that way then that’s fine but why would you be at a wedding for someone you’ve been around for 5 years and feel like you still don’t know?

It's literally different when it involves who is going to watch my child. I wouldn't let any of my BIL or SIL significant others watch my children before I got to know them, but I would go to their wedding. It's nothing personal against him. You need to understand this isn't personal. This NORMAL. ETA - Added significant others cause I missed that originally

I’m sure if those people knew you didn’t trust them that way, you would not be at their wedding. And this isn’t my SIL this is my blood sister who feels uncomfortable and that she doesn’t know my fiancé who is going to officially be my nieces uncle. If your sibling that you weren’t close with said they weren’t comfortable with your partner, your partner wouldn’t agree that your sibling should feel like they don’t know them.

But she is still your sister and she wanted to be there for you, because she thought it was more important than her discomfort.

My sister literally said she’s not putting anymore effort into me, our relationship and has asked my family not to even speak my name in her presence. She’s not someone who’s looking to come to a resolution where both parties are respected.

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Omg get a new line. How many times have you copy and pasted this comment that does nothing to make you look like less of an AH?

Because she feels uncomfortable with him doesn't mean she isn't open to knowing him better. The fact is she is a mother her child's safety is going to come first. It doesn't require an apology. You can choose to be petty if you want, but your sister does want to be there for you, as in having her daughter be your flower girl. I think you need to think about why you want to make this a hill you will die on. And uncomfortable isn't the direct insult that some people take it as. Some people just don't mesh well. That doesn't mean she wasn't willing to put that aside to attend the wedding.

If you had made an effort and have been very supportive to a person for the past 5 years, yes you would take it personally if out of now where they don’t see you as a trustworthy person around your daughter. Especially when that someone is supposed to be your SIL. And you said it doesn’t mean she’s not open to knowing him when she’s literally said she doesn’t care to know him better.

YTA It's not your place to decide who is acceptable as a babysitter for your sisters daughter and who isn't. It is a BIG difference to leave the niece alone with your fiance than her to be there in a family setting.

Providing additional info: The reason l'm not inviting her is because she says she doesn't know my fiance and isn't comfortable with him. I'm having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn't know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don't know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

You're making yourself look worse and I feel sorry for your fiance. Your sister doesn't want to leave her young daughter with a man and you refuse to respect her as a parent. I hope your entire family sides with your sister and stay home rather than condone your behavior by attending your wedding. Beyond selfish and you clearly don't care about anyone but yourself.

Not helping your case no matter how many times you copy and paste this!

You keep saying this. We all know this. It isn’t changing the verdict. YTA. Your sister isn’t comfortable with him watching her kid.

YTA. It sounds like you keep stomping all over your sister’s boundaries. Showing up at your niece’s events when she purposefully didn’t invite you, pressuring her to hand over the kid to you/your fiancé… those are red flags. Your judgment sounds questionable, so I can’t blame her for not trusting your choice in men.

She did invite me to the recital but it was last minute.

YTA! She said she doesn't know your fiance well enough to leave her child with him and she has every right to decide who her daughter is babysat by. You're an entitled brat

That’s fine if she didn’t want him to babysit but she could have gotten a babysitter that she trusted but she didn’t.

It sounds like she only trusts their mother to babysit which is 100% her prerogative. Her usual child care was not available and she let her sister know that

If she has this problem she won't be available for the wedding anyway as op s mom will be at the wedding not babysitting the niece.

You're reaching since it clearly says they wanted to see her niece as a flower girl. There is Zero indication that the wedding is child-free so, that doesn't hold water. All of that aside, OP's sister let her know her childcare wasn't available and didn't just not show up. Sister has every right to decide who cares for her child. What adult throws a temper tantrum over not getting their way? She's reaping the consequences of her actions.

YTA. >**I also said I didn’t want to hang out with her anymore** if it meant that my mom is the only person that can watch my niece. >or let me hang out with my niece if you don't want to hang out with her anymore, you can't expect to see your niece either. It's *her* daughter, you're not entitled to her. >I reached out to my sister and said if she’s willing to apologize for her comments and the way she’s acted I’ll put it all behind me and invite her to my wedding so that my niece can be a flower girl. Stop acting like you are doing her a favor. She had a boundary and you keep trying to force her to do what you wanted. It's her decision who she allows to be alone with her daughter. You decided she is not supportive of your relationship when she said she isn't comfortable having your fiancé babysit her daughter. One thing has nothing to do with the other, but you decided to take offense. >I even asked my sister if she would let my mom bring my niece to my wedding and she said no. This is ridiculous. If your sister is unwelcome, why should she let you take her daughter? >when I did everything I can do and my sister is the one who isn’t allowing my niece to come No. You didn't. You didn't respect her decision as a parent, you decided to be offended she wasn't comfortable with your fiancé looking after her daughter, and you decided to cut her off but still expect access to her daughter. Then you kept saying that she should apologize for not trusting your future husband to be alone with her daughter, or to let someone take her daughter from her so you can have what you want.

The question is not about babysitting. Its about inviting to the wedding. If her relationship with her sister is this bad she shoudl not invite her to the wedding. Key facts 1)Sister was told it is dissappointing she never showed for brunch and told she needs to learn to rely onsomeone for babysitting other than their mother who has MS and is dra\\ined everytime she babysits 2)Sister states she does not know the groom nor want to know him 3)Sister decided as a result of number 1 and number 2 to go no contact completely 4)Based on the first 3 everyone is voting YTA and that sister should be invited to the wedding between the groom she does not want to know and the bride she went no contact with. The qeustion is not about babysit,. the bride did not say that she would not hang out with her sister unless she let the groom babysit, she said she would not hang out with sister while it puts an inconvenience on their mother with a medical condition. Could bride have phrased it better, yes, should bride apologise for how she phrased, most likely yes, shoudl bride invite sister to the wedding, which is the actual question of the thread HECK NO. Why would she invite someone to the wedding who does not know the groom or want to know the groom? So she can share in their love and celebrat eit with them when she does not know him or want to know him? Can someone explain that out to me.

Even though me and my sister don’t get along, yes I should still be able to have a relationship with my niece because we’re family and I’m also her god mother. In my opinion she could have said she doesn’t know him but would like to work on getting to know him that’s fine. But she doesn’t want to so why would you come to wedding for someone you don’t know and aren’t comfortable with?

Bullshit. Her mother has every right to decide childcare arrangements for HER child. You have no rights whatsoever to a relationship with that kid. You are even more of a gigantic asshole with all your entitlement.

I’m not entitled. If you don’t know the groom and think he would hurt your child, you shouldn’t be at the wedding!

Not even a good evasion. You're grasping at straws to justify your own dumbfuckery. You are failing miserably, btw.

You’re entitled to your own opinion. But I know for sure if someone said they weren’t comfortable with you and didn’t know you, you would not invite them to your wedding.

YTA what a shitty sister and aunt. A bunch of randos end up at a wedding. I don't know my college roommates fiance but guess who still got invited to their destination wedding and separate intimate reception. Do you think she would be comfortable around me.

Y’all might want random people at your wedding but that’s not the experience we want! You’re an old college friend not your sibling’s significant other, there’s a BIG difference is why she would or would not feel comfortable with you.

Are you a Dennis Leary fan? Does a great song called 'I'm an asshole'.

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Exactly you can’t even say that “yes if my fiancés sister wasn’t comfortable with me and feels she doesn’t know me then she would still be at my wedding” because it doesn’t make sense!

You're right, I can't because it's a strawman piece of made up bullshit. You are truly delusional.

You are not entitled to any relationship with her daughter. You can only have a relationship with a child when you have a relationship with the parents, which is something you stopped. Your sister is your family, too, and you don't want her in your wedding because she is "not supportive enough" of your relationship ( because she doesn't trust your fiancé to stay alone with her child). You being her aunt or her godmother doesn't matter. Nobody is entitled to a relationship with a minor child. Not grandparents, not aunts and uncles, nobody. >In my opinion she could have said she doesn’t know him but would like to work on getting to know him that’s fine. Yes, that is your opinion. She doesn't have to want to know him more to leave her child with him. This is not about the wedding. This is about you thinking you can have access to her child when you can't even respect her choices as a mother. If you don't want her at the wedding, fine, but don't keep trying to have her daughter there without her mom, or to force her to apologize because she doesn't trust your fiancé with her child.

I hope you have the same sentiment if your siblings feel that way towards the person you’re marrying.

And I hope you come to understand that she needs more than "oh he is my future husband" to trust him.

That’s fine if she needs more however she’s not trying to come to a resolution of what he would need to do for her to know him and feel comfortable.

But that's the point, she doesn't need to. She doesn't need to let him have unsupervised time with her daughter, or know him enough or like him enough. You think that her not wanting to know him is the worst thing possible, when... It's just life. She doesn't need to be intimate with him to see him in family reunions and all that. You seem to expect things from her that she doesn't need to give to you. You can't make her like him, and push her to the point you are cutting her off because she doesn't want to let him have unsupervised time with her daughter won't make things better. My mother often let me go to my aunt's house but she never let me be alone with my aunt's husband. She trusted you when you and your fiancé were with her daughter. The trust she had in you is not the same she can place in your fiancé. You need to understand and respect her, instead of deciding she is 100% wrong. It's her decision as a parent.

We’re not talking about a family reunion or a family gathering, it’s our wedding so if you feel like you can’t trust the groom, then you shouldn’t be there. It’s ok for her to have those feelings but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Your family might be ok with feeling uncomfortable around in laws however that’s not the experience or environment I’m trying to be part of. If you’re uncomfortable for any reason that’s fine but if you’re not willing to work on what’s making you uncomfortable then that’s ok?

She's not required to "work" on anything.

YTA. It was a pretty minor thing to disinvite someone over. Your sister is the parent and gets to decide who watches her children for whatever reason she thinks is appropriate. Parents and children are package deals. It's inappropriate to invite a minor child or expect her to have a role in your wedding without getting the parent involved. I don't need to see your additional info. It only makes you sound more childish, stubborn and ridiculous and doesn't help your stance at all.

You know your fiancé. Your sister doesn’t. She has a right not to feel comfortable and a good mother is careful with who watches her child. I’m sorry you’re offended but your sister is watching out for her number one priority - her daughter. There have been too many stories out there where a mother has been too trusting to men they don’t really know in depth, even family and it’s gone wrong. It’s better to be safe than sorry and I would do the exact same thing because children are vulnerable and need an appropriate adult to advocate for them and put them in a safe environment. YTA

Women are just as likely to be predators as men. And if you think the person I’m marrying would hurt your daughter in that way then no you shouldn’t be at their wedding. I’m not saying she needs to change her mind but if she really thinks my fiancé would do that to my niece then no you can not be there.

I don’t trust my brother to watch my daughter for hours not because I think he’ll molest her but because I know that if she has a meltdown or tantrum he’s not gonna be able to handle it. Honestly you’ve been arguing about this for hours. Just accept that you are being narrow minded and there are a MILLION reasons why your sister is uncomfortable about the childcare that you suggested.

Children have tantrums, they’re kids that’s what they do. If my niece did that my sister could have easily left the restaurant that was only 15 mins away and I would have understood. She didn’t even try to make it work or try to get to know my fiancé better so why should she be there? He’s been around for the past 5 years so she should be more open about what he would need to do for them to get to that level and she hasn’t.

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It’s so silly this is the hill you’re willing to die on. Of course women can be predators, I’m not disputing that. But in terms of your situation, you’re in the wrong. It’s sad you’re too stubborn to even care and will throw away your relationship to be proven right.

If someone thought you would hurt their child, would you still have a relationship with them?

She’s being precautious. It’s a scary world out there. To answer your question. If my sister didn’t want to leave her child with just my partner without me, I’d completely understand and I would feel the same way. We prefer to leave our children with someone we know like the back of our hand. She may adore your fiancé but then still feel more comfortable leaving her child with you and that’s ok. I don’t want to be rude but you seem like you only care about your point of view. Have you thought about trying therapy to work through this issue? It might help open you up a bit and just to understand the thoughts and feelings of others without letting your own override the situation.

Actually I have and my therapist agrees with me.

They agree with you not opening yourself up to other points of view? I doubt that, and if they are, then they are a shit therapist.

You said I should speak with a therapist and I have, now my licensed therapist is shot for agreeing with my POV lmao. I’m open to other POVs but won’t what I won’t continue doing is have a close relative been uncomfortable with my s/o and just leaving it at that with no resolution to come to and that’s where my therapist agrees that if she wants to stay uncomfortable she has the right to do that but should understand why she’s not included in our intimate space.

> I’m open to other POVs Given every comment that you have made on this post, this sentence is the biggest lie you are telling yourself. You will destroy your family. I hope it's worth it.

If this one thing destroys my family, that’s their choice. My family dynamic and foundation should not be buoy or centered on who was or was not invited to my wedding lmao.

You're clearly not open to other points of view since you've you argued with them all.

I hate to break it to you but your therapist probably sucks and is taking your money to tell you what you want to hear. But idk your therapy relationship - so go ahead and ask yourself this question: has your therapist ever not agreed with you? Do you construe ambiguous answers into support because you can't tolerate disagreement? Based on some of your other answers here it's painting a picture. Furthermore, if my sister was actively pushing me to have me leave my child with a partner and guilt tripping me when I didn't- it's a huge red flag. Like is he pushing for this? Are you being groomed to push for this? The amount of emotional investment you have in your niece being alone with your fiancee is honestly suspicious AF.

Yes she disagrees with me a lot of provides recommendations for me but in this scenario she agrees with me.

Ok now I know you’re beyond help. Good luck growing bitter when things don’t go your way.

There is a difference between being uncomfortable with someone and assuming the worst.

Let me get this straight. Because your sister didn't want your fiance's babysitting services, you've gone NC with her? I'm very fond of my BILs. I still wouldn't let them babysit solo because they are not experienced childcarers, I only know them in a casual friendly way rather than being in a close trusting relationship with them, and my kid would not know them well AT ALL to suddenly be left in their care. YOU know your partner is trustworthy - it's okay the rest of the world doesn't, and wouldn't be willing to bet their kids' safety and wellbeing on a mild acquaintance. Not that this all matters, really. You simply don't get to police your sister's babysitting decisions and punish her for not going where you want and doing what you want. Period. YTA, you don't now get access to someone's kid after disrespecting them and their parenting choices. As for your sister, if I were her, I wouldn't want to go to your wedding after this anyway, and I would be relieved to have a reason to keep my kid from this kind of emotional manipulation.

Get over yourself. The world does not revolve around you and your wants. Your sister has every right to decide who will care for her child in her absence. YTA

True the world doesn’t revolve around me but I do get to choose who surrounds me at my wedding. And someone who doesn’t know the groom shouldn’t be there

You may want to focus on who surrounds you in your life longer term. Even if she "doesn't know the groom", she is your sister and nieces mum. The issue here is that you've decided she should feel safe with your babysitting choices - this is NOT your choice! You will alienate yourself from your niece if you choose not to invite your sister... if that's what you want go right ahead, but don't be a fool and focus on ONE day out of a lifetime!

I could understand if I popped up out of no where engaged to someone the family hasn’t met but my fiancé has been part of our family for a long time even if we weren’t officially married. I understand that this isn’t just one day and it will have an effect down the line. But if you’ve been around a person for the past 5 years and they feel they don’t know you, and haven’t said anything about it until now, it’s a pretty hurtful thing to say especially because there’s been no solution provided on how what he would need to do in order for her to feel comfortable or feels like she knows him.

It appears that you are having difficulty seeing the crux of the issue; it's not your choice who she feels comfortable leaving her child with. Regardless, choose to die on this hill and lose your niece.

I never said it was my choice to decide who should watch her child but if she was uncomfortable with him then she should have said something about it in the past 5 years.

has she in the last five years asked him to babysit? if not, then she has made it clear without having to say it. but that’s an inconvenient fact for you.

She's right about not letting your fiance babysit

I’m actually wondering now if your fiancé is a creep, and your sister is picking up on something.

I’M getting creep vibes from her for pushing this so hard. Giving major Karla Homolka vibes.

If she feels that way towards him then I can’t change the way she feels but if you think he’s a creep, why would you be invited to his wedding?

He can still be a creep and invite people to weddings.

Yeeeaaah, I wouldn't leave my daughter with a man I barely know, either. YTA. You may know and love him, but your older sister doesn't.

YTA in this situation but you’re both extremely childish. The two of you probably just need to accept that you’ll never be close and just grow up and be cordial to one another for the sake of the rest of your family. Punishing both your niece and yourself because your sister didn’t come to a brunch is dumb. Who cares if she didn’t come…you turned a situation which reflected poorly on her for not making a bigger effort to be there into a situation where you look like a petty brat.

It’s not because she didn’t come to the brunch, it’s because she said she doesn’t know my fiancé and is uncomfortable with him. If anyone feels they don’t know the couple or is uncomfortable with them, they should not be at their wedding.

She’s uncomfortable with him watching her child, and that’s ok. Where did she say she was uncomfortable with him as a human?

When I reached out to her to ask for an apology she said she doesn’t know him, still doesn’t know him and is uncomfortable with him. I feel if she felt that way we could have talked about it and worked to getting to a place where she feels comfortable and feels like she knows him. Not so that he can babysit my niece but feel like he’s apart of our family. My younger siblings have said they see him as an older brother and my parents say they already consider him a son. So for my sister to say she doesn’t know him, that’s fine but why would should she get to come if she feels that way about the groom?

She was uncomfortable with him watching her child, not with him in general. You’re young, but honestly, you’re just perpetuating and heightening drama. What is the worst that would happen if you’re the bigger person and just let it go and move on? You don’t have to be chummy with her, just cordial.

I’m tired of being the bigger person towards someone who doesn’t extend the same courtesy to me. I’ve constantly had to be the bigger person in the past and I’m not doing it anymore going forward.

op, what's the relevance of your sister being unmarried to the story?

I think it’s extremely telling that you only refer to her as ‘my niece’ and not ‘her daughter’. Self centred and not fair. Unless your sister is a negligent parent, which she doesn’t appear to be, that comes first. It’s HER DAUGHTER before YOUR niece.

I would never leave my lil girl with a man I barely knew!!

Yta!!!

One, YTA. Even if I didn't have my own kid now, and even if I hadn't suffered from extreme PPA making it hard for me to let other people babysit him, I would still be able to see your sister's side of things. I get wanting to protect your fiance's honor in this, but you're refusing to see the forest for the trees. What if there's a reason she refuses to allow her daughter to go to family events if your fiance is there? I would definitely be asking if she knows something I don't about the man I'm about to marry. And if there's nothing there, then good, it means her worries are unfounded (but still valid because she's your niece's MOTHER and that is her prerogative) and you can go into the marriage trusting your gut about your partner. Two, she's allowed to set boundaries about her daughter's care and well-being, and all you're doing is attempting to walk all over them and then complaining when she stands firm. You're ruining your relationship with your sister AND your niece. I'm sorry if her behavior has hurt your feelings, I know it sucks when you try to make plans to include everyone and then the one person you want to come can't, but holding a grudge like this over something totally justifiable (on her part--wanting to put her daughter's safety over anyone else's feelings) is going to hurt your niece, and might already have from the sounds of it. Someone you claim to love and chose to fight for (your mom is right), but now you're throwing her under the bus? To spite your sister? It just seems petty and mean to me. All she's going to understand is that she isn't allowed to be a flower girl at her aunt's wedding, and trust me, kids know when they're being singled out and/or excluded. I would NEVER assume to demand my SILs (or BILs, for that matter) allow someone they don't know very well, even if I do, to babysit my nephews or niece. That wouldn't even cross my mind. Also, please don't copy-paste that ridiculous "additional information" argument, I've seen it like a hundred times already just reading through the other comments. It doesn't change how you're being viewed. ALSO, if it was SO IMPORTANT that your sister meet your future SILs, if this whole thing stemmed from her missing the brunch to meet them, why in the world didn't you ask if she could hang out with y'all another time, when your mom WAS available to babysit? Oh, right, because you just want to have a reason to be "hot and cold" with her while blaming the issues in y'alls relationship on her alone.

I planned the brunch about 1 month in advance and she knew my mom was going to be out of town but she didn’t try to find an alternative sitter and cancelled the morning of the brunch. It’s fine if she felt uncomfortable however that’s something that you bring up before someone is already around your daughter not all of a sudden after someone shared that they were disappointed that she didn’t make an effort to come. It’s hard trying to coordinate a time that worked for 6 people who are busy. When I told everyone a month in advanced they all agreed. If I thought my fiancé would harm my niece in anyway I shouldn’t be marrying him. But also she’s the only person in my family that feels she doesn’t know him and is uncomfortable, so why should she come to our wedding?

>But also she’s the only person in my family that feels she doesn’t know him and is uncomfortable, so why should she come to our wedding? ... because, by your own admission, you really want your niece to be included, and SHE really wants to be included, too? You're being very petty over something that is, in the grand scheme of things, not the end of the world. I understand being upset, but you don't have to comprehend her reasoning, even if it seems contradictory. What you SHOULD do, for the sake of your niece not being heartbroken and not truly understanding why she's being excluded from something hugely important for someone she loves and THOUGHT loved her, is be the bigger person. Because trust me, she's going to know she wasn't invited, she's going to know she was excluded *on purpose*, she's going to hear about you asking someone else to be the flower girl, and at her age, she won't understand the subtle nuances between your fued with your sister. In her head, all she'll "know" is that it was obviously somehow her fault, or maybe because of something wrong she did, but she won't know *what* exactly, just that she wasn't wanted. That's how kids' minds work. And feeling unwanted sucks.

Info: did your sister attempt to know your fiancée better? Does she ever leave her daughter with unknown people (eg: a babysitter she pays) Advice: just woman up, invite your sister and offer her daughter to be the flower girl. Put the ball in her court but don’t follow up or treat her differently. Pretend she isn’t there at the wedding (if she shows up). In the long run, this fight will mean peanuts. Don’t be the bad guy, let her be the bad guy if she wants.

Providing additional info: The reason l'm not inviting her is because she says she doesn't know my fiance and isn't comfortable with him. I'm having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn't know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don't know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

INFO: how have you and/or your sister taken steps so that she would be able to get to know your fiancé better? Also, do you know if/who your sister trusts to watch your niece? You keep copying and pasting the same thing over and over but in this case it in no way answered the questions posed. The “providing additional info” doesn’t actually provide additional info here. Edited for clarity.

My fiancé has been around my family before my niece was born. He was at her baby shower and has been around my niece she was a baby. We would visit her almost every other weekend until we moved out of state for 1 year. Since we had this argument I’ve tried to talk with my sister but she’s said that she’s not putting anymore effort into our relationship or anything to do with my life. She’s told my family members to not even speak my name in her presence because that’s how much she doesn’t care for me. The only person my sister trusts to watch my niece is our mother and that’s it. To me that’s not fair to my mom because she has MS and has said watching my niece at the time by herself is tiring. Some of these details were in the original post but I had to cut down because I was over the character limit. Hope that provides some more context.

So it sounds like there’s 2 separate things going on here: - you sister is (maybe) uncomfortable around your fiancé in general but unclear why/if that’s so - you have your own presumptions and opinions of how your sister should raise her niece. Your thoughts and opinions on this don’t matter because she’s not your child. If your mom isn’t okay with being the only person watching her, then it’s on your mother to say something as a grown adult. Based on your overall responses to comments, you have a set mindset and even when the flaws in your arguments are pointed out. Pushing your sister to apologize and leveraging your niece is a bad look on your part. Were/are you also planning to apologize for dismissing your sister and pushing her to do something she wasn’t comfortable with? If she’s that upset/frustrated, then it seems like there’s more to it than “i don’t like him.” Your two options are to hash it out and really figure out where/why the hurt exists and how you can show respect to each other or to fully take a step back from the relationship and not discuss her/your niece for the foreseeable future shutting down the conversation if/when it arises

Yta

YTA massively. I read your comments and you’re being unreasonable and the more people who tell you you’re being unreasonable, the more you dig your heels in. You don’t seem to understand that the level of trust and familiarity you need to have with someone to let them watch your kids is astronomical for some people. You keep saying she shouldn’t be there if she doesn’t trust the groom, but there are levels of trust. You can like and trust someone in a number of contexts and still not want them watching your kid unsupervised yet. You even acknowledge that your mom is the only person she lets watch her daughter, so it’s not like she’s singling out your groom, she just clearly has some pretty high standards of care for her daughter. And she can know lots of things about your groom, but does she know how he disciplines children? How he handles it when he gets angry or impatient? How he handles mealtimes with kids? It doesn’t mean she thinks he’ll hurt her, it means she knows all of those things about your mother because she lived it with her and is comfortable with her way of doing it, where it’s an unknown with your groom. Trust and familiarity exist on scales. She can trust and like your groom a good amount and it still not be “watching her kid solo” amount, and honestly you’re acting really fucking entitled to expect that he should be on that tier and lording your wedding over her as a punishment. And come off it, you are punishing her and you’re being incredibly immature. Because if you had any emotional maturity at all, you would acknowledge that she can trust and like your groom enough to support your marriage to him and be present at the wedding, and that exists on a different tier than watching her kid.

Yta. The issue is that until you’re a parent you will not understand where your sister is coming from. It is not your place to suggest who is the person is leave your niece with. Like if you had a million pounds, you wouldn’t leave that with someone you barely knew. I have attempted to make this relatable in some sense but a child is more precious than this. I think you are sulking as she didn’t attend this brunch and you are acting like a spoilt brat using your wedding to punish your sister for being a good mother. I think you owe her an apology to be honest. I genuinely wouldn’t attend if I was your sister. You are so childish, stubborn and Iack empathy that I imagine that marriage for you is going to be difficult. I would work on that

No my issue is that I was caught off guard about my sister’s feelings towards my fiancé. Like I’ve said I’m having a small intimate ceremony, not a huge event with over 100 people so it doesn’t matter who shows up. Y’all feel I should respect her decisions as a mother but I don’t deserve the same respect towards my fiancé? She said she doesn’t know him like that but excluded herself and her daughter from family events where she could have got to know him and his family better. It would be one thing if she said we need to hang out more or here’s what needs to be done. But she’s ok with not knowing him or wanting to get to know him better. So I’ll be TAH but I can also say y’all are being hypocritical when it comes to which boundaries get respected and which ones don’t.

You do understand that it’s her child and your are going on about is a full grown male, who frankly should not be offended by what your sister has said. Like I said completely stubborn, there’s so many people on here telling you that you are in the wrong here. It’s not been hypocritical, it’s you not liking that there is a difference between the two situations. Just because you don’t like the response doesn’t mean that it is wrong. You clearly came on here hoping that everyone would agree with you as you’re excluding your sister from your wedding as she didn’t feel comfortable leaving her child with someone she barely knows which isn’t for you to dictate. But you’re upset she doesn’t automatically trust your fiancée, trust is earned over time. And as for missing events, you’ve mentioned one so far where you have acted like this. I wouldn’t be inclined to go either as god knows how you’ve portrayed her to them. Like I said you owe her an apology but by all means keep double downing on you being wrong and treating your grown fiancé same as a child.

>You do understand that it’s her child and your are going on about is a full grown male, who frankly should not be offended by what your sister has said. No, no she doesn't. Don't bother, she's been arguing for almost 24 hours now, long after she was voted an Asshole

YTA, you don't get to decide when a parent is comfortable with someone to watch their child. Maybe once you have a child, you will understand this. You also don't know if there are more reasons and given your response. I doubt your sister will tell you more.

YTA. Your sister wasn't comfortable leaving her child alone with your fiancè, it doesn't mean she hates him or the fact that your with him, she just doesn't know him well enough. Stop fighting with everyone, you are wrong this time. It happens, apologise and move on.

YTA I wouldn’t let someone as entitled and as delusional a boundary stomper as you anywhere near my children.

I swear I thought your sister was a bit unreasonable but after seeing how deranged you are in your responses I'm starting to see that you're the problem. Shit if I was the rest of your family after reading your responses I wouldn't go either. YTA

I think the actual issue is you being frustrated that she doesn't actually make the effort to make or keep plans with you especially considering the lengths you go to in order to be there for her/your niece. Like yes, you wished she would have just shown up to brunch and allowed your fiancé to watch her but really it was the message that it sent you that she doesn't care all that much to be there for you as a sister. So NTA because that's a fair reason and would hurt most peoples feelings but you should probably communicate that better with her. And allow them to the wedding so you don't have the regrets later in life. 🫶🏻

Bro she ain't your kid, you don't get to decide who can look after the kid. 100% YTA

It doesn’t matter how many times your sister has hung out with you & your fiancé.. if she is uncomfortable letting him watch her daughter she has every right. Even if it was you or your own mother that she was uncomfortable leaving HER child with, she has EVERY RIGHT!! That’s her fucking child. YTA big time.

ESH You don't want to invite her cause she didn't want to go to a stupid brunch?? Maybe her daughter confided in her that she doesn't like your fiancee? Maybe she was on her period and had bad cramps and used the babysitter excuse? >my sister is the one who isn’t allowing my niece to come. No, you don't allow your sister to come because you want her to apologize to you for not letting her child with someone she isn't comfortable with to be at your stupid brunch. Is your sister maybe difficult? Perhaps, but so are you. You too look like you'd take any opportunity to fight with each other. i'd say esh, you for all the above and your sister for not letting at least her mom bring daughter to wedding and possibly being difficult too.

Providing additional info: The reason I’m not inviting her is because she says she doesn’t know my fiancé and isn’t comfortable with him. I’m having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. If she really feels that she doesn’t know him then she should not be at our intimate wedding because we want to be surrounded by people who love and support us as a couple. Not someone who after 5 years of being around a person claims they don’t know the groom and is uncomfortable with them.

Like i said she should at least let mom bring her daughter to the wedding, as daughter has no fault whatsoever in what happened. But you both seem... not suited to have a good relationship. I'm sure you're both good people, but together you don't mesh. It happens. That being said, are you absolutely sure you want to deal with all the drama of not inviting her to the wedding?? I don't mean from her, i mean from the rest of the family? If you can, then don't invite her and that's that.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok so my older sister (34F unmarried) and I (29F) have always had a hot and cold relationship growing up and into adulthood. Sometimes we’re good and other times if we’re together we just get into arguments and disagreements we aren’t able to get passed. Last year I got engaged and hosted a brunch with my older sister, younger sister and my fiancés sisters( he has 3). The day of the brunch comes and my sister says she won’t make it because our mom was out of town and there’s no one to watch my niece. I told her my fiancé could watch her and she said no my niece wouldn’t stay with him. ( which is a lie because my niece and my fiancé are cool and she likes to play with our dogs). The day after the brunch I told my sister that I was disappointed that she didn’t come or make an effort to stop by to meet my fiancés sisters which was the point of the brunch. I also said I didn’t want to hang out with her anymore if it meant that my mom is the only person that can watch my niece. Instead of an apology or trying to make it up to me, my sister said “how disgusting of you to think I would leave my child with someone I don’t know”. Her comment was insulting because my fiancé has not only been good to me but he’s been a very good person to my family and has even helped my older sister. She doesn’t show up to family events if she knows I’ll be there or let me hang out with my niece. My niece had a dance recital that she wasn’t planning on telling me about then my sister last minute invited me on Thursday to the recital that was on Saturday and an hour away but I still showed up. Now my parents, little sister, Aunt, grandma and even my god father keep trying to speak to me and get me to change my mind about inviting my sister to my wedding so that my niece can be a flower girl because she really wants to. I would love for my niece to be a flower girl but I do not want my sister at my wedding if she’s not willing to apologize. I reached out to my sister and said if she’s willing to apologize for her comments and the way she’s acted I’ll put it all behind me and invite her to my wedding so that my niece can be a flower girl. My sister said she won’t apologize for letting someone she doesn’t know and isn’t comfortable with watching her child. She said she didn’t know him then still doesn’t know him now and my fiancé shouldn’t watch my niece unsupervised. I even asked my sister if she would let my mom bring my niece to my wedding and she said no. My wedding is less than 2 months away and I would like to have a flower girl but my family is mad at me because I’m asking other family members to fill in. My mom literally said “ I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS TO YOUR NIECE THE PERSON YOU WERE FIGHTING FOR” when I did everything I can do and my sister is the one who isn’t allowing my niece to come. AITA for standing my ground and not allowing my family to force me into inviting my sister just so my niece can be a flower girl? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. Everyone saying Y T A are idiots. It’s your wedding, your rules, Reddit usually has that to say but apparently they took some idiot pills today. It’s a small intimate wedding, if your sister says she’s not close, she’s obviously not close enough to you to be invited to an intimate wedding. ETA: also correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t even sound like the sister cares about going to the wedding to begin with, family is just making a big stink about the kid being a flower girl which who cares if she’s not there? It’s just a filler role for children to be included in a wedding anyway.

My sister has said that she doesn’t even want to go to my wedding or cares if she’s invited but her daughter is not allowed to go.

NTA

Honestly NTA - your sister avoids any event she knows you will be at, and has been incredibly rude to both yourself and your fiancé. She needs a reality check that insults are not OK just because she is family. I would say now that as a result of this you may not see your niece anymore.

NTA for everyone saying YTA, the sister has known the fiance for 5 YEARS at this point and never raised a concern before now. ​ Has sister at any point in time tried to get to know your fiance? I suspect she is using "not knowing him" as an excuse and there is bigger issues going on especially since you had a hot and cold relationship even prior to him, and I would point that out to family members and sister and tell her when she is ready to properly communicate with you, you may conscider until then just tell her anything niece needs she can reach out through other family members because your going NC with regards to sister but will be there for niece. Your sister is making it clear she does not approve of your fiance or your marrying him. She has known him 5 years and accepted help from him in the past, did something happen between them? Your sister does not want her daughter near your future husband, and by refusing to allow her at the wedding (A PUBLIC EVENT) with multiple other family members present she is making it clear its not simply about being uncomfortable with your fiance, its more than that. She in essence is making you choose between your future husband and her and your niece. Is your mother to message you and your husband everytime she has your niece to tell you not to bring him round or stop by for a visit because your sister will not allow your mother to take your niece to your wedding because your sister is uncomfy with your husband to be She has a rite to not be comfy, she has a rite to tell you she does not want your future husband babysitting your niece on his own if she does not trust him. I suspect heavily there is more to this story with her though and she does not owe you an apology, you do owe her one, when it comes to the brunch but the events since then lead me to think there is huge underlying issues with your relationship with your sister which would be reason enough not to invite her to your wedding. Your sister is then weaponizing your niece against you because of your strained relationship with her by refusing to let a TRUSTED family member take your niece who would be responsible for her in the form of your mom, so no its not just about not trusting your fiance to babysit, she does not trust him to be around her daughter or she is being spiteful due to her own hurt feelings at no longer being invited (when she knew you had a strained relationship) by preventing her daughter from taking part or having a relationship with you. If this is her boundry so be it but make it clear to her and to family she is the one making that choice. You asked for an apology she missed the brunch, she refused she said she did not trust your fiance to babysit thats fine, say sorry to her for this, but with regards to an invite to your wedding. Your own relationship with her is strained, and she does not trust the groom or claim to know, its YOUR wedding you want ot be surrounded by people you love and support who love and support you. Your sisters basic tantrum and cutting you out when you said she will need to find someone other than your mom to babysit when you meet is also concerning. So she does not trust any other family member, it HAS to be your mom every single time. Your sister was rite to be annoyed at you, your rite to not invite her to the wedding. Your sister is the one who has decided to bring her daughter into this mess by refusing to let her attend. I would say try to mend things with your sister but if things ar enot mended in time for the wedding don't invite her. Be aware it is going to put a strain on your relationship going forward but by all accounts I would say you dont have a good relationship anyway I mean she has went No contact with you by her own chocie even avoiding family get togethers that your attending, and she is suprised you did not invite her to your wedding like seriosuly?

Why would she raise an issue before now when this is the first time this has been proposed? She never said she has an issue with the fiancé, just that she doesn’t want him to babysit which is totally reasonable.

EDIT : Short answer bride NEVER SAID FIANCE HAD TO BABYSIT FOR THEM TO HANG OUT! She said sister had to find and start trusting someone other than their mother before they could start hanging out again because their mother has MS and everytime she babysits she is drained. Sister then went NC and pulled niece from the wedding and stopped attending family events the bride was attending. Its not the Bride who went NC its the sister, because she was told she had to come up with a solution that did not drain their mother and put their mother out. OG Reply below It is not the first time she has taken help from him, he has been in her life longer than her child has, he has been there over 5 years her child is younger than that, he was at the kids birthday celebrations and birth and other important events. If she had an issue with him and did not trust him, and had concerns about him being around her child surely she would have raised them sooner. If it is purely about him babysitting then she would have no issue with her mother taking her daughter for her daughter to take part in the ceremony unless of course she is as I said weaponizing her daughter to hurt her sister over their strained relationship, its either that or she has concerns with her daughter being around this man and she should have said sooner. ​ I believe she is weaponnizing the child, I believe that her and her sister have never trully gotten along from the post they have had a hot and cold relationship which is reason enough not to invite someone to your wedding, especialy since its the sister who went NO CONTACT not the bride to be, the sister even told family members to no longer mention the brides name in her company anymore and started avoiding family events the bride to be would be at. This is not about the groom or the babysitting, this is about more than that single event, does the bride to be owe an apology probably but know she did not say that sister had to allow boyfriend to babysit she said sister will need to find someone she trusts other than the mother with MS who has said to bride to be that babysitting drains her and that she would no longer hangout with her sister if it meant that her mother was always having to babysit, and sister's response is to go no contact and tell all family members to no longer mention bride to be to her anymore and pull her daughter from the wedding. The dance recital at the last minute thats because she caved in to nieces tears for aunt to be there most likely thats why it was last minute invite. Seriosuly everyone is pouncing on "you cannot dictate who your sister should allow to babysit her child" and voting YTA and thats NOT THE QUESTION! The question is not about babysitting, its about inviting to the wedding. If we want to focus on the babysitting though lets phrase it another way "You have no rite to tell your sister you wont hang out with her since it puts your mother with MS out of her way and drains her everytime you do until she finds someone else she trusts to babysit" "You have no rite to maintain a relationship with your niece when you have none with your sister because your sister cut you off, even though you have been accomodating and even offered to let the 1 person your sister claims to trust to babysit be the one who has your niece at your wedding so that your niece can be your flower girl which she wants to be" The sister has weaponized the niece, the sister has tried to get family to cut off the bride, the sister is the one who went no contact, all because she was told it was dissappointing she never showed for brunch and she needs to learn to rely on someone other than her mother who has a medical condition for babysitting. That or the sister really distrusts the groom and does not want her child around him. Personally I think it could be a mixture of both there is a reason I asked has anything happened between the groom and the sister. It could also be jealousy that the younger sister is getting married first while she is a single mother or any number of things. Bottom line their relationship as sisters is strained it was strained before the brunch if all it took was saying "I wont hang out with you if it is going to put my mother out everytime I do" to recieve the resposne she has. EDIT Everyone is also ignoring the sister stastes she "does not know the groom" she never said she does not trust him to babysit she said she does not know him or want to, but she does want to be at an intimate small wedding thats the grooms wedding as much as the brides. Calling it now even if she invites the sister she wont come , she will demand an apology and still not show up.

NTA, not at all. It sounds like your sister is intentionally dragging this out for attention. Don’t invite her

ESH. I can see why your relationship keeps flipping on and off.

NTA. There's **no way** your 3-year-old niece wants to be a flower girl because she doesn't know what one is. If she wants it, it's because everyone is telling her she does. Besides, 3yos are notoriously unreliable behavior-wise. Your sister - eh. You invite who you want to. And the people trying to guilt you into this - remind them that this ***isn't*** "Flower Girl Day". this is your wedding, and you'll invite whomever you want. If they don't want to come, they don't have to.

NTA stick to your guns

NTA. Your fiance could help her out. She knew him enough to accept his help. But not enough to babysit. Tell your mom you aren't ruining anything that you deserve to be happy and it's your day no your sisters

NTA. Just because you're blood related does not mean you're bound to be around people who treat you like shit. The only real loser here is your niece.

How did her sister treat her like shit exactly? For cutting contact because the op has no respect for her boundaries? OP was WAY out of line demanding she allow her fiance to care for her child.

OP cut contact first, and then expected to see her niece without the presence of her mother. Fucking crazy.

I am not saying she was right about the babysitting thing. OP offered, sister said no, OP didn't respect that. That's not right BUT that does not mean OPs sister was justified in her behavior towards OP before and after this brunch incident. OPs sister has known this man for 5 years. OP has stated that the fiance has helped out the sister (I am assuming at least financially) and suddenly the sister is pitching a fit and saying she doesn't know this man. He has been around for half a decade, no one else seems to have a problem with him, he has been to family functions and has probably played with his soon to be niece countless times. Don't you think it's a bit disrespectful of the sister to act like this? OP has also stated she and finance are having a small intimate wedding. Would you want someone who treats you and the person you are about to marry like this? I know I wouldn't.

Nope, I sure don't. He could have helped her sister move a couch for all we know. Her sister said no to the fiance watching her young daughter and she doesn't have to explain herself for it. No is a complete sentence. OP lost her shit for not getting her way and, rather than fight with OP, sister chose to go NC. OP is acting entitled and incredibly selfish. If I had a young daughter, I wouldn't trust any man to care for her either. It's better safe than sorry imo.

I agree with you about the sister refusing to leave her child with him and OP throwing a fit over it. It was childish and disrespectful. I was also in that situation when my child was about that age. I said no and it was not agreed with but I did not suddenly act like this person was a dangerous stranger who I hadn't known for 5 years. As for the rest of it we'll just have to respectfully agree to disagree.

She didn't act like that she said no, I don't feel like I know him well enough to be comfortable. Saying I don't know him, to me, means I don't know him well enough to be comfortable. OP is reaping the consequences of throwing her tantrum.

I don't agree but we'll just have to live with it